Pete Holmes: Nice Try, the Devil! (2013) Movie Script

3
[rock music]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Pete Holmes!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you so--
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Austin, Texas,
how's it going?
[cheers]
Late show.
Great to see you.
Look at this.
Look at how the spotlight
follows me.
I feel bad for the front row.
It's like the sun rising on you.
Look at this.
[mock-singing the intro
to Circle of Life]

Just for you guys.
Now Austin, Texas...
[cheers]
Yeah.
One of my favorite towns.
I saw one of my favorite things
about Austin, Texas.
One of my favorite restaurants
has one of my favorite signs.
Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a barbecue joint.
Has a sign that says,
"No need teef..."
Teef.
T-e-e-f.
I'm not making this up.
"No need teef
to eat our beef."
That's a real sign.
That exists.
I walked past that.
This is a weird town, guys.
You have a Whole Foods
that you can drink white wine
in the middle of it.
You also have a barbecue joint
that caters
to the teef-less.
It's a weird place.
A guy's walking around
with a beard of bees
just like, "I don't have teef,
but I love cow!"
Only problem, though,
these places don't cater
to the "no teef" wallet.
They definitely have
teef-having prices,
you understand?
A guy with no teef
goes in there,
he probably doesn't have
the coin to throw down
for this premium barbecue.
He's like, "Hi, do you accept
eye contact?"
"Beat it, no teef.
Scram."
I was recently home
in Boston, Massachusetts,
where my mother Irena referred
to the singer Celine Dion--
Listen to me now.
She referred to the singer
Celine Dion
as Salon Dijon.
I honestly don't know why we're
not all doing backflips
right now.
Salon Dijon
was said to me in a room
with air in it.
I heard it, remembered it,
and brought it to the show.
That is a gift.
I haven't even added anything.
It's like a cat
bringing a dead bird.
It's a treasure.
And it wasn't like this--
it wasn't like,
"Peter, who's that singer,
"French-Canadian,
I don't know, Salon Dijon?
"I don't know.
What's her name? I don't know.
Salon, is that it?
Salon Dijon? I don't know."
It wasn't like that.
It was like this.
"Peter, your father
got me tickets
to my favorite
recording artist..."
[laughter]
"Salon Dijon."
Just an expensive mustard rinse
of a performer.
"Ooh. I love Salon.
"I hope she plays
my favorite song
"from my favorite movie,
Big Boat Iceberg.
"That's my favorite movie.
"Starring my favorite actor,
Leonardo DiPizzaplace.
"He...
"is a dream.
"Here there under the stairs
I love the lyrics."
None of those
are the lyrics, Mom.
So I don't know if you can tell
by my overall vibe
I am a friendly fellow.
Kind of guy who likes to get
to the airport
a couple hours early,
get a few white wines in me,
and start telling old people
they still got it.
That's the kind--
High-fiving babies.
That sort of thing.
I don't feel like I belong
in comedy.
People going out,
drinking
slippery American cocktails,
having sex after.
I don't belong
in the nightclub scene.
Look at me.
Huh-huh!
This face doesn't--
Hi, how you doing?
Fixed your taillight
while you were sleeping.
No charge.
That's--
[laughter]
I don't belong
in a comedy club.
I like to think
that there are millions
and millions
of different universes,
each slightly different
from the last.
And this universe,
the one we're all in currently,
is the only one
where I'm not a youth pastor.
[laughter]
Does that resonate with you?
I shouldn't be on a fancy stage
right now.
I should be
in a carpeted gymnasium
with an acoustic guitar
with a rainbow strap
just like...
Who wants to rap about the Lord?
Let's do this.
Let's get some testimonies
going.
Tyler, I love those testes,
buddy.
Break out those testes.
But no one will tell me
why that's funny.
Yeah!
[laughter]
Corny guy.
I always like doing
something silly up top
to kind of--I look at it
like comedy stretching.
Remind me not to take
any of this too seriously.
It's just a silly job.
So I'd like to do Pierce up top
if any of you are familiar--
[laughs]
What a weird world.
You guys know Pierce?
Yes, we do.
We're gonna do Pierce.
For those of you
who don't know Pierce,
I feel like expectations
are getting up high.
Go ahead and lower them.
Nothing is about to happen.
So this is it.
This is my impression...
[giggles]
of a guy asking his friend
Pierce to get beers for a party.
Okay?
It starts
with a door opening.
For no reason.
[laughter]
"Pierce!
Pierce!
"Pierce, get beers, Pierce!
"Pierce, get beers!
"And music, Pierce!
"Tears for Fears, Pierce.
"Go to Sears, Pierce.
Three cheers for Pierce!"
If you don't do that
in the shower alone tomorrow,
you're dead inside.
That's how that works.
Make up your own.
Just be like,
"I haven't seen you in years,
Pierce."
Live your life.
No one else
is gonna tell you to.
We did an old one
to do a new one.
This is a new Pierce.
This is a guy--
It's just as stupid.
This is a guy telling
his Latino friend...
that their soccer team finally
broke their losing streak.
Okay?
Guy telling his Latino friend
that their soccer team finally
broke their losing streak.
[laughter]
"Juan!"
[laughter]
"We won one, Juan!
"Juan, we won one!
"We finally won one, Juan!
"Where were you
when we won one, Juan?
"We finally won one, Juan.
"One is what we won, Juan.
One is what we won.
"It was one to one
for the longest time, Juan.
"Then we won one, Juan.
Penalty kicks."
If that doesn't unlock the safe
where you keep your joy,
maybe lube up the dial
a little bit.
Just a little bit.
For yourself.
[applause]
We're having a good time.
That is the worst thing to do
when you're actually having
a good time,
is to declare it.
I do that all the time.
If I'm at a party
and we are having
a fun time, I'll go,
"Oh, man, fun with friends."
[laughter]
Not anymore.
You just ruined it.
I'll actually teach you guys
the worst thing
you can say.
Do you guys want to learn
the worst thing
you could say?
I figured it out.
If you're at a party
and you actually
are having a fun time,
wait for there to be a lull
in your little horseshoe
of friends,
statistically every 11 minutes,
then just look at them and go,
"Oh, man,
this party is McDonald's."
[laughter]
"I'm lovin' it."
[applause]
That's it!
That's the worst thing
you can say.
Feel how you feel right now?
Violated.
That joke changes
your core temperature.
The feeling of hearing that joke
is the feeling of getting hit in
the face with a living lobster.
That's what that joke
feels like.
And everyone falls for it.
I don't care how smart you are.
This party's McDonald's.
What?
What do you--
what do you mean--
what does he mean by that?
What do you mean
by that, sir?
I'm lovin' it.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, sir.
Everyone falls for it.
You have this.
This is a tool
in your tool belt now.
You didn't know
you were gonna leave better
than you came.
If you're on a date...
you just don't give a shit
about the date,
you knew right away,
you're like, "Nope,"
sabotage the date.
Wait for a lull
and just look at them
and be like, "Oh, man...
this date is McDonald's."
Then there's a timing to it.
It's a three count
or two dry swallows.
"I'm lov--"
They're gone.
They are not there.
They are not there
when you come back.
It's great to be in Austin.
The last show I had
was in Atlanta.
My travel agent made a mistake
and booked me
in a bad part of Atlanta...
called Atlanta.
That one is right
over the plate, that one.
That is straight show business,
that one.
I don't know if you can picture
this friendly-faced fellow
in a bad part of Atlanta,
but I was just like...
"Oh, no."
And I don't know
if you've ever been driving
around a sketchy neighborhood
and you do what I do
and you start telling yourself
that it's you.
That you're judging the
neighborhood inappropriately.
That's what I did.
I was like, stop it.
It's fine.
It's different.
I like it.
It's just different.
Thank you.
What a vibrant community.
Check-cashing places?
What a wonderful service.
Those should be everywhere.
Thank you very much.
Oh, a Cash4Gold.
Thank you so much.
Finally a place to get rid
of this goddamn chest of gold
I have,
for I be a pirate
back from voyage.
Thank you.
I knew it was a bad area,
because I saw a pimp.
It's 11:00 A.M.
I saw a pimp.
How do I know
it was a pimp?
Picture a pimp.
You got him.
Don't alter your first draft
of pimp in the least.
I saw a man head to toe
in a furry purple suit,
a glass cane
with a living squid in it,
and Kung Lao's hat
from Mortal Kombat.
I saw a pimp.
[applause]
Like the idea of a man
who went
to a costume shop,
rented the pimp,
and then proceeded
to actually pimp within it.
And then never return it,
as is the pimp's way.
[laughter]
Then I got to my hotel.
I don't know if you're still
playing the picture-it game,
but it's not like a DoubleTree.
It's like an abandoned building
someone had spray-painted
the word "hotel" on.
Two "E"s.
Put 'em
wherever it tickles you.
I'm checking in behind
3 feet of bulletproof glass.
I still think it's gonna be
a delightful stay.
I'm asking
what the Wi-Fi password is.
"What is it?
What?
"It's hard to hear you
through this protective casing.
"It's 'Stab me'?
"How odd.
Stab--underscore?
There's an underscore.
Stabme? Thank you so much."
Then it hits me.
This has nothing to do
with me or my perception
of this area.
This is a messed-up area.
I don't care who you are,
you need to get
the fuck out of this area.
So I'm in the middle
of the transaction,
and I didn't know
what to say.
I had my roller bag,
and I was just like,
"Never mind."
And I just rolled out.
I'm in the parking lot.
It's 11:00 A.M.
It already looks like
a Bone Thugs-n-Harmony video.
I don't want to go
to the crossroads just yet.
So this is the most cowardly,
lamest, most pathetic thing
I've ever done in my life.
I got in my rental car,
Kia Sorrento--
already pretty lame--
terrified,
no idea where I was,
no idea where I needed to go,
turned on the GPS,
hand trembling,
just knew I needed to get
far, far away from there,
typed in Barnes & Noble.
[laughter]
I feel some of you are not sure
if you can laugh at that joke,
and I feel that same percentage
filing that away
as a viable option
to get out
of a sketchy neighborhood.
It worked.
I could have done Panera.
I could have done Apple store.
15 minutes later I had a scone.
Do you understand?
You're welcome.
It was not my finest moment.
I think I'm getting too
comfortable with swearing.
I recently told my doctor that I
don't really fuck with cheese.
That's true.
I was in a doctor's office
in the morning,
and he was like,
"Tell me about your diet."
I was like, "Pretty good.
Don't really fuck with cheese."
Maybe pump the brakes,
ol' Petey Pants.
Maybe pump the brakes.
I'm a dumb man, though.
I'm a dummy.
I recently dropped a dog.
Oh, that's okay.
I hear the empathy noise.
I didn't wound a dog.
That would be--
that would be crazy
if I was like, okay,
show's going pretty good.
What next?
I killed a dog.
[laughter]
You know those things
everyone loves?
I ended one.
I wouldn't tell you guys
if I did that.
I would save that
for my serial killer journal.
Just like, "Could man
be so sweet?"
[laughter]
Is that just me?
That's the craziest thing
about serial killers,
is the journaling.
I understand killing some
people, but who wants to go home
like, "Big day."
[laughter]
Take it easy,
Doogie Howser.
You killed
a lot of people today.
Take it easy.
So I dropped a dog.
I didn't know you can't.
Did you know?
Maybe there's one person
I'm helping.
You can't drop dogs.
If you want to put a dog down,
they're like little old people.
They need help.
They have arthritis and joints.
They're like, "Ah, be gentle."
You gotta be gentle.
If you want to put a dog down,
you have to kneel
as if before a king
and lay it down.
If there's mud,
put your jacket down.
They need our help.
I was raised with cats.
Fucking you can bowl a cat.
Do you understand?
You can't hurt a cat.
They're infallible.
They're like the Pope
or a pharaoh.
You can't hurt a cat.
You can pick up a cat
any way you want.
You can grab a cat by the fat
behind its neck.
It'll yield to that move
from its youth
straight up with that look
on its face like,
this is degrading us both.
I'm 6'6".
That's like a kitty cat
skyscraper.
I'll go as high as I want,
give it a little bend
to the knee,
a hoist into the air.
Cat's cool, baby.
He's unfazed.
He doesn't even blink.
Do cats blink?
He doesn't even blink.
He'll just do
13 kitty cat somersaults,
smoke a tiny cat cigarette,
land on all fours,
be like,
"Fuck yourself.
I'm a cat."
[applause]
He'll disappear
into a nearby shrub.
You won't see him
for two months.
He'll be fine.
He'll forge for himself.
He'll come back
on a rainy Thursday
covered in lo mein just like,
"I've returned.
"Not because I like you,
but because I choose
to come back."
That's how I like my love,
from women and from cats.
I like to earn it.
I like to earn it.
When a cat meets you,
he's like, "Die."
Then you work up to that purr.
That purr means something.
People are like,
"My dog loves me."
I'm like, "Yeah, but your dog
would also love a bag of sticks
with your T-shirt on it,
you know what I mean?"
Scram.
But I love dogs.
Don't get me wrong.
I love dogs.
If I see a dog,
I love it,
I get excited.
I'm very tall,
and especially,
if it's like a cat-sized dog,
I want to pick it up.
That's how I love animals.
I want it close.
It looks so small.
Bring it up here
where I can see it.
It's always a gamble
picking up a dog,
'cause I'm never sure
where they bend.
It's never the same.
Where do dogs bend?
It's a gamble.
They're like rigid,
little, furry tables.
You got to go in like a forklift
and just take a chance.
Once you're up in the air,
you never know
when's it gonna yield
to that lowercase "C" shape
with the asshole
right on your arm.
We all act
like that's not happening.
It's a lovely beast.
The asshole is right on my arm.
It's cooler
than the rest of him.
So I'm holding a dog.
It's like a 35-pound dog,
like, a Boston Terrier
or something,
took a picture
with the dog,
proof that I love dogs,
and then I was done.
I'm done with the dog.
I feel you judging me.
I'm judging me too.
This is a stupid story.
This is a tale of woe.
I'm done with the dog,
and an idiot, me,
I just open...
from here I just open my arms,
and immediately--
I watched it falling,
I was like,
"That doesn't look right."
'Cause this fucking dog
didn't put his paws out
to cushion the blow.
He put his paws to the side
like a goddamn
adrenaline junkie skydiver
trying to get the most juice
out of the run.
His arms flailed
like an old man
shooing mosquitoes
at a company picnic.
And then he greeted the earth
with his face.
Are you listening to me?
He greeted the earth
with his face.
Do you know the sound of a dog
crumbling into the earth?
I do.
It's terrible.
It's like dropping
a hairy baby.
Everyone hates you.
No redemption.
You have no choices, though.
You open your arms and drop
a dog,
it starts freefalling,
you have two choices:
One, let it go,
which is what I did.
The only other choice you have--
I've thought about it--
is to own it and be like...
Fuck your dog.
Your dog is a racist.
I've always hated your dog.
[laughs]
So I'm a single man.
I am the only man up here.
[cheers]
I'm a single man.
I've never really been single
before.
It's new.
It's interesting.
It's not because I'm so,
"I can't stop getting it wet,"
you know?
[laughter]
You ever offend yourself?
I just offended myself.
"I can't stop getting it wet"?
Ugh.
Gross.
It's not because of that.
It's because for the past,
whatever, decade
I've been sexually active--
I've never said that before.
"For the past decade
that I've been sexually active."
What, am I showing you
a slideshow?
1950s high school?
This is a penis.
Okay, here we go.
For my whole life,
if I sleep with a girl,
I date her
for a year and a half.
That's how it works.
She's not even aware of it.
I'm like, "I'm your boyfriend!"
That's how it works.
And I thought
I'd give that a break.
I was like,
let's see what happens
if I'm a self-reliant man,
and I will be a single man.
And I like it.
It's a give and a take.
The give,
you can do whatever you want.
There's no little girl
there to be like,
"Fucking stop it,
knucklehead."
They're not there.
You can be like, I'm gonna shave
with Miracle Whip.
You'll be surprised
how far you get.
You're just like, zesty.
And it worked.
Downside: I choke on my soup,
I die alone.
That's the downside.
I'll tell you,
there are things that I do
now that I'm single
that I've never done before
in my life.
For example,
if I'm going out--
and this is sad--
if I'm going out
to a party
or a dance or something,
ice cream social,
anywhere where I think
there might be a girl
and I might meet a girl--
I hear lore of people meeting
girls and having sex with them.
I was like,
maybe for ol' Petey.
You know what I mean?
So, if I'm going out
on a Friday night
to a party,
before I leave the house,
I do stuff I never do.
Like, I'll make my bed.
I feel you getting
uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable too.
I'll make my bed,
'cause I'm like,
"A girl might see this bed.
"It's gotta look like the cover
of a Crate & Barrel catalogue.
I want it to look real nice."
Guys, I don't make my bed.
I've never made my bed.
What am I,
a recovering alcoholic?
I don't need structure.
I sleep in the same swirl of top
sheet as I mule-kicked it off
the evening before
in a fever dream.
I've never made my bed.
I jump right back into that
like a caramel center
in a Ben & Jerry's flavor
I call Lonely Man's Dilemma.
I've never once made a bed.
I can't tell you
what it feels like
to be wafting up a top sheet
that I haven't moved
in a millennium,
just like,
maybe a special lady tonight!
[laughter]
Tucking it in.
Guessing.
I don't know how to tuck it in.
Like, fancy,
like a hotel.
Spraying down Febreze.
Hear the truth.
No time for a wash.
Spray down some Febreze.
This is awkward.
If you're not laughing,
you're not picturing
a grown man alone,
just like...
[imitates spray bottle]
Floral-scented desperation
all over the sheets.
There's a lamp
that I turn on,
like a sex lamp.
Mood lighting.
I never use it
unless I think
a girl's coming over.
Can't use the overhead one.
It's too dank.
What is this, surgery?
Sex lamp.
Clean up the toenails.
This is true.
The feet might make
an appearance.
Trim up the toenails, guys.
Can't have the cold click-clack
of your feet
on tile be a deal breaker.
Just like,
"Hi, I'm Foghorn Leghorn
here to fornicate with you."
He doesn't have sex.
He's a cartoon bird.
Then I can't tell you guys--
I don't have
the poetry of language
to then tell you
what it feels like
to come home
1:00 in the morning alone,
see the crack of my bedroom
door, see the lamp,
smell the Febreze,
and promptly masturbate
atop a made bed.
I can't...
[applause]
Just like, this was
for someone else.
Pretty generous girth mime
at the end.
That is a generous girth mime.
None of that's even a joke.
That's just investigative
reporting on what happens
in my life.
I'm a straight man.
I'm one of the straight guys.
Some exceptions.
Some exceptions.
I am completely gay
for Ryan Gosling.
That's true.
[cheers and applause]
Behold, the correct response.
In fact any man not clapping
and applauding
at least in his heart
is a goddamn liar.
And I want to hit you
in the face
with an antique fan
from the Orient
until you admit it.
You don't have to be gay
to know
that that
is a gorgeous, sexy beast,
and he's everything
that we want to be.
I am gay for Gosling.
That's right.
I don't want to fuck him.
That's not enough.
[laughter]
That's just a little piece of me
inside of him.
I want to go
all the way up in there
and wear him like a puppet.
Do you understand?
I want to be Ryan Gosling.
I'm getting orders
from Ryan Gosling.
I saw the movie Drive.
Changed my life.
It's true.
I saw it, I left the theater,
I was like, oh, that's
what I'll do to be cool.
I just won't talk.
I've done it.
It totally works.
I've been on a date,
the girl's talking,
I don't know what to say,
do what Gos would do, man--
shut your mouth,
chew on a toothpick,
don't say shit.
It works.
And by works I mean we're
in a nonsexual relationship
where I'm helping her
raise her son.
[laughter]
And also helping her husband
rob a pawnshop.
I think it'll be okay.
Straight men are the most easily
offendable group, my group.
It's fun to fuck with them.
It's fun to mess with us guys.
I love playing the price game
with my friends.
You ever do that?
It's where you tell your friend,
you're like,
"All right,
I know you're straight.
"You are a straight man.
I believe you.
"You checked the box
marked 'straight.'
You are straight.
Got it."
"$10 million.
You go down on a dude?"
I don't care how gay-friendly
or open-minded the guy is,
it's always the same.
It's like, "What? Blah!
"No!
"No!
No way, bro!
No way!"
"$20 million?"
"Ugh, barf!
Barfcity.org, bro.
I'm logging on."
"$100 billion a week
for the rest of your life."
"Not even considering it, bro."
Seriously?
How many Tahitian islands
and polar bear butlers
do you need to forget 15 minutes
on a lonely Thursday?
You'll move on.
Do you know
how much straight shit I've done
I've forgotten with two glasses
of Chardonnay and a Xanax?
You'll erase the memory.
[applause]
You can even make it mythical.
Like, dude, your mom is dying.
We'll cure her if you do it.
"No way, bro.
"Ma didn't raise no homo.
Just an irrational monster
that won't save her."
You kill a guy
for a million dollars?
"I'd kill a guy
for 200 cash.
"Stab him in the neck,
watch life leave his face,
but not make him feel
pretty good."
Listen to me carefully, Austin.
I'm straight.
That means I don't want
to blow a dude,
but it doesn't freak me out.
Penises don't freak me out.
I'm attached to a penis.
What do you think,
I'm in the shower like,
"La da da da, no!
La da da da,
it's back!"?
I give a man a hand job
most days.
Me.
I know the warm familiar grip
of a penis, you guys.
I could figure it out.
I'd be freestyling,
but I'd get the job done.
Next thing you know, my mother's
got everlasting life,
and I'm doing backflips
into gold coins DuckTales style.
I'm so full of Mai Tais,
I have no idea how I got there.
4 million.
Are you kidding me?
In a briefcase I can handcuff
to my wrist, yeah.
4 million.
Let's do this.
You're fucking right.
$4 million.
Yes.
Ryan Gosling, 50 bucks
and a ride home.
That's all I--
[laughter]
And I give him the 50 bucks.
Like, thank you very much.
Big fan.
Where do you live?
This next one,
I have no idea
if it's gonna work.
This is a newer joke,
and I'm not sure
if it's too mean.
Because this is a weird feeling
I've had.
I'm a nice person.
I'm a nice guy.
I don't know.
Just kind of like the kind
of person you want
to introduce to your parents,
like, "I'm hanging out
with this guy."
Like, "Hi, nothing illegal.
Hey.
"No pills or powders here.
Hey, good-looking."
I'm a friendly guy.
If your name's Anna,
I'm calling you Banana.
That's the kind of guy I am.
That's who we're dealing with.
That's part "A."
Part "B"?
Every girlfriend I've ever had,
I've secretly hated her friends.
Don't abandon me.
Please don't betray me here.
I know that's a weird thing,
and some of you are on dates,
and you can't laugh.
Fine.
I'll be the whipping boy.
This is a weird secret
I've had in every relationship.
Thank you for nodding
your head, sir.
God love you.
Every girlfriend.
Why?
Let me break it down for you.
You meet a girl.
What an exciting thing.
You fall in love
with a girl,
and, hey, she loves you too.
How magical.
That's great.
You've found a girl.
And then suddenly there's
just six fucking other girls.
Like, "Hey, I'm Tiffany."
Fucking beat it, Tiffany.
I don't give a shit.
"I'm from Pennsylvania."
Can I light you on fire?
Is that something I can do?
And my girlfriend always
secretly hates her friends too.
The second we're alone,
she's like, "I know.
Suzy's a fucking bitch.
I hate Suzy."
Suzy walks in.
"Hey, Suzy!
Mwah, mwah,
mwah, mwah, mwah."
You hate Suzy too.
We both hate Suzy.
And my girlfriend's parents too,
always hate 'em.
I'm sorry.
I know that's unpopular.
It's weird.
Always hate 'em.
Why would I like 'em?
You fall in love with a girl,
then there's
just two random old people?
Like, "Hello, how you doing?"
Scram.
You're in the way.
What, are we gonna hang out?
"Maybe we could all find a movie
we could all enjoy."
Maybe we could ingest grenades.
Is that something we can do?
They want to get all friendly.
"Call me Dad.
Call me Dad."
I'm full up on dads.
Already got a dad.
And I've never been
with my parents and been like,
I gotta double up
on this shit.
Never.
And they hate me too.
It's just facade.
They hate me too.
We're all pretending
to like each other,
go to Cheesecake Factory.
"So, Peter, what was your major
in college?"
I fuck your daughter.
Is that a major?
I minored in I'm rough
with your baby angel.
Is that--
And we're gonna sit here
like chums?
If your dad's best friend
fucked his daughter,
he'd kill that man
with a shovel.
But we're gonna split
a dessert?
It's a lie.
I've been playing a lot
of old-school video games.
I got an emulator
for my computer.
So I've been playing a lot
of, like, Double Dragon.
Yeah.
Remember that?
Streets of Rage 2.
Final Fight.
Been playing all these games.
And I've been playing them
and also cracking myself up
with the following fantasy
that I think would be fun
for us to imagine together.
The idea of a character from one
of those side-scrolling games
going to the doctor.
Already laughing.
'Cause he's making
artistic choices.
It's a video game character,
like Haggar,
going to the doctor.
How are you picturing it?
Is it a human doctor?
Maybe it's Dr. Mario.
These are your artistic choices.
But I can't stop laughing
at the idea
of Haggar going to the doctor,
and the doctor being like,
"Hey, hey, Haggar,
how you doing?"
"Pretty good."
"And what have you
been up to, man?
What's been going on?"
"I've been fighting.
Doing a lot of fighting."
"What kind of fighting?"
"Oh, regular.
"You know, left to right.
"A lot of little guys,
and then, like,
"at the end one big guy,
you know.
Fighting, you know.
Pretty standard."
"Great.
And what's the problem?
What brings you into the office
here today?"
"It's my stomach."
[laughter]
"Okay, why don't--
why don't you tell me
a little bit about your diet?"
"I don't think that's it."
"All right, well, humor me.
Why don't you just tell me
what you eat on a normal day?"
"Okay, it's a waste of time,
but...
"like, an apple.
Like--like, I'll find an apple."
"What do you mean you'll--
"What do you mean
you'll find an apple?
"You mean you'll go
to the store,
"and you'll select an apple?
Is that what you mean?"
"Oh, no.
I'll be fighting..."
[laughter]
"And then I'll hit a barrel."
[laughter]
"And that barrel will bounce
a few times,
"flash, and disappear.
"You know, a barrel.
"And right there
on the dirty ground,
"there'll be an apple,
"and I'll go over
and eat that in one bite.
That'll get me
about 1/3 of the way."
I forget who's who.
"You eat ground apples?"
"Well, I don't call them
ground apples,
but yeah."
"You eat anything else?"
"Oh, yeah. Fully-cooked
rotisserie chickens."
[laughter]
It's the stupidest joke
there's ever been.
You just witnessed the stupidest
joke that there's ever been.
And it takes like six minutes.
You were here for something.
Something happened.
[chuckles]
[applause]
Oh, God.
Let's see
how weird we can get it.
This is a weird one.
I've been thinking
about breast milk a lot lately.
Breast milk.
Hey, guys, breast milk.
When's the last time
you thought about that?
Never?
Milk from breasts.
Guys, listen to me.
Women can make milk
from scratch.
Milk, the shit you buy in
the back of the grocery store,
women can make it
with their bodies.
I feel you backing away.
I'm not a crazy person
out on the sidewalk
like, "You can make
half and half with your tatas."
This is a scientific fact
that we must all reckon with.
Any woman in this room
can get pregnant,
and something in your body goes,
"Turn it on!"
And you eat at Quiznos,
and your body takes
the nutrients from Quiznos,
turns it into milk,
something comes out
of your vagina,
you feed it that,
and it lives.
Holy shit,
that's amazing.
What's even crazier
is I drank it.
You drank it,
you fucking sociopaths.
You drank it,
and you loved it.
Oh, my God,
you loved it.
You were never so happy,
spooning your mom's huge tit,
napping mid-guzzle.
Listen to the truth.
You would cry and scream
and wail
when you didn't get it.
And the only thing
that would settle you down
is going to second base
with your mother.
Do you realize you should be
so much more fucked up
than you are?
I can't believe any of us
are wearing pants.
Great job, you guys.
Way to turn it around.
[applause]
We should all be dressed
like Abraham Lincoln right now,
killing off-duty clowns.
That's where we should be.
Not even clowns in makeup.
Just like,
"I know you're a clown."
And when the police get there,
be like,
"Sorry, I committed
a thirsty act of incest."
They'd be like, "As you were,
Mr. President.
Thanks for not killing
all of us."
Well, it's the end
of the show.
I feel like we should talk
about religion.
[cheers and applause]
Way to wrap it up.
You guys have been amazing,
by the way.
Really, really great.
I've been thinking
about how I want to die.
We all have to die.
It would be weird
if there was one person here
that didn't know that.
Like, "What?
No!"
I've been thinking
about how I want to die.
I want to get hit by an arrow.
Who's hit by arrows anymore?
That never happens.
I want to get hit
by an arrow.
And not, like, in the woods
where it would
kind of make sense.
I want to be waiting for,
like, a crosswalk
to change,
just like...
Pfft!
What?
And you know, if one hits you,
three more are on the way.
Just like...
Who the fuck is arching me
right now?
I would crumble to the earth
with a smile on my face.
That would be the best way
to die.
I thought
about the funniest way to die.
It's me, I've been hit,
hopefully by arrows,
God willing.
I'm on the ground
and I'm dying,
and somebody's passing by,
and they see me dying,
and they come and they kneel
beside me to be
with me
in my final moment.
Unwritten social rule.
That's what you're supposed
to do.
So he'd kneel beside me,
and I see this man.
Then I get a second wind,
and I lean up,
and I go...
[clears throat]
"Not today."
But then I just die anyway.
[laughs]
To lean up with vigor
and declare, like,
"Mm-mm, not today.
I guess today."
Then you fall back down,
and diarrhea
shoots down one of your legs.
Then they put "Not today"
on your epitaph,
'cause you can't argue,
you're gone.
It's weird that none of us know
what happens when we die.
That is a huge burden
that all of us share.
I don't care if you're an
atheist or a big-time believer.
Either way, I respect you.
All of us in common,
no idea what happens
when we die.
It's all just a guess.
That's crazy.
It's wild.
We just walk around
acting like we're not thinking
about it.
Like in fucking yogurt shops.
It's like, "Hi..."
[laughter]
"Is it all by weight?
"Is that how this works?
"Like, the crunchies and
the candies and the fruities,
"those are all--
it's all by weight?
Where did Grandma go?"
[laughter]
It's a heavy question, and I'm
tired of not talking about it.
The way I see it,
you have two choices--
you can believe in something
and be that variety of doofus
or believe in nothing
and be that variety of doofus.
Either way,
you're a doofus.
You got to choose.
You can believe and be happy.
Yellow T-shirt.
Just like,
"Yeah, I know,
it doesn't quite add up,
"but I love it.
It just works for me.
It works for me."
This is a Segway.
You're hauling ass on a Segway.
You throw a wet Nerf football
to a Golden Retriever
that catches it
as the sun is setting,
and you're like,
"That's proof of the Lord."
That's choice "A."
Choice "B," you can wear
a dusty corduroy jacket
with elbow patches
and Scotch,
bring everyone at a party down
with your science.
Just like, "We're all bags
of water and electricity.
We're gonna die.
Aaggh!"
Those are your choices.
And they exclude each other.
Everybody thinks
they're in between.
You gotta choose.
You gotta choose right now.
Why not be weird?
Choose at a comedy show.
Which are you? Everybody thinks
they're in between.
You gotta pick one.
Which is it?
You're on a plane.
It's going down right now.
Which guy are you?
Are you science guy
in first class with his Scotch,
who's like, "Well..."
[laughter]
"This is as meaningless
as it all was"?
Or the believer back in coach
just like, "I'm going home!"?
[laughter]
Now...
you put it that way,
it sounds obvious.
Of course you would be
a believer.
But it's not always better
to be a believer,
'cause, chances are,
if you believe in something,
you probably think
that thing has a preference
on how you live your life.
That's where science guy
always wins.
Nothing's judging him.
He's like, "What of it?
"I love dog pornography.
"Who cares?
"I look at it every night.
"I'm carbon.
They're carbon.
"It makes me hard,
I jerk off, I go to bed.
We're gonna die."
He's fine with it.
Or you can be a believer,
mostly happy,
but a closeted homosexual
and burn yourself
with a cigarette
every time you get a half boner
from Ryan Gosling.
Those are your choices.
[cheers and applause]
And I'm 33.
You'd think I would have put
this to bed already, I would
have had it all figured out,
but I can't,
because things keep happening
that make me
question it, man.
Like, for example,
recently,
a guy jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge
to die.
Obvious.
Not to celebrate life.
Not, like, "Things are great.
Too high!"
It wasn't like that.
He jumped off to die.
And in the air, mid-fall,
the guy realized
that he didn't want to die,
called out to God,
and when he hit the water,
list--listen
to what I'm about to tell you.
When he hit the water,
an otter--
are you listening?
You know that animal
no one ever thinks about?
An otter swam up,
pushed the man out of the water,
and saved his life.
That man said that that otter
was sent by God.
Was it?
I don't know.
I got both interpretations
in my brain.
I got science guy going,
"Yeah, right.
"That otter probably thought
the guy's feet were fish.
That otter killed a human baby
later that very day."
But I want to believe
in that world
where God is up in heaven,
and he goes,
"Someone's falling.
Otter."
And the otter goes,
"Got it."
And God is up in heaven--
and I picture
the Burger King king.
That's my God.
You can have your God.
I got my God.
He's got the unmoving
smiling face, the crown,
the Whopper Jr.
up there watching.
Just like, "You want to live?
Have it your way."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I want to believe in that
so very badly.
I spent most of my life
believing in that variety
of God.
I know
I still have some religion
click-clacking around
in my subconscious.
You know, like when you shake
a spray paint bottle,
and you just hear...
[makes clicking sounds]
That's what I have of religion
still kicking around in there.
I know that because
I'm still afraid of raptures.
[laughter]
Is anyone here
afraid of raptures?
Won't make fun of you.
Someone went, "No."
Did you say a little?
Oh, Jesus.
I heard a no from this--
That would be a great time
for the devil to heckle.
"No."
I feel like if you're not
laughing, you're not picturing
a red devil
in a Carmen Sandiego trench coat
with the fedora,
just like,
"No, continue your wicked ways,
everyone."
I'm afraid of raptures.
I'm a grown man.
I'm afraid of raptures.
Remember a couple years ago,
a couple people--
like, a big group of people
put up all those billboards
that said the world
was gonna end Sunday at 6:00?
I'm the only person
that was terrified by that.
I got home on that Sunday,
it was 4:00,
and I remembered.
I was like,
"Shit, two hours.
"I don't even have time
to watch Forrest Gump.
What do I do?"
What do you do?
I was afraid
the world was gonna end
by the Lord, you guys.
So I didn't know what to do.
I had a bottle of Scotch
that someone gave me
as a gift,
and I was like--
Listen to the thoughts
of a rational man.
I was like,
if the world's gonna end,
I'm gonna try
this Scotch first.
And I did.
It was great.
That's a weird ad,
a weird ad for Bushmills.
"Afraid the world's gonna end
by the Lord?
Bushmills."
So I drank the Scotch,
and the Scotch worked.
It made me forget
that the world was gonna end.
And then I'm laying
on the couch,
and now
it's just another lazy Sunday.
I'm not proud of this part
of the story,
but I was going--
[laughter]
I'm a grown man.
I'm not proud of this.
Occasionally, to recreate,
I will take myself on a J-date.
You understand?
I was gonna take myself
to dinner.
I was--
I was about to begin.
I'm very sexy with myself.
I'm like,
"You ready to begin?"
I'm like,
"Yeah, begin.
"I want an HJ
from lesbian Val Kilmer.
Get in there, girl."
And I was about to begin--
And this is how I know
I still have some religion
click-clacking around
back there,
'cause I looked up
at the clock,
and it was 5:58,
and I went, "Nice try,
the devil.
No fucking way."
No way am I gonna have my ham
in my sandwich
when Jesus comes out
of the fucking clouds
on a flaming sheep,
just like, "Huzzah!
"What are you doing?
I hope that feels like heaven,
'cause you'll never know."
Hosanna
Hosan--
Sorry.
For some reason I love to
pretend that Jesus is tone-deaf.
I don't know why.
It never doesn't crack me up.
I feel like,
if you're not laughing,
you're not picturing
dying and going to heaven,
and there's Jesus
as you've always pictured him,
and he's like,
Welcome
Welcome to paradise
You want to fucking tell
the King of Kings
he can't carry a tune?
No one wants to tell him.
Go tell the Prince of Peace
he needs to work
on his harmony.
No fucking way.
Halle--
Playing the harp.
Plunk, plunk, plunk.
He can do anything, just
not much of an ear for music.
Tone-deaf Jesus.
Okay, the show's
basically over...
[laughter]
- Whoo!
- Oh, thanks, man.
Oh, man.
That was one
of the best moments
of my life.
I was like,
this is good,
but it is kind of hard
to, like, remember everything,
and you're kind of--
I'm aware of the cameras,
and you're like,
people are gonna see this,
and then there's
this quiet moment--
weirdoes are the best fucking
fans in the fucking world.
[cheers and applause]
And I'm not--
I don't--
I'm not just pandering.
Listen to what just happened.
It's silent,
and I'm kind of like,
okay, there's a couple things we
could do,
and then we'll do
the last thing.
And, as I'm thinking
about it, this guy--
this gentleman right there--
what's your name?
- Jonathan Flanders.
- Of course it's--
We went to school together.
Jesus.
Fonzie.
[chuckles]
He went to Gordon College,
my weird Christian college.
Isn't that weird?
- It was weird.
- It was weird.
Now look at us.
[laughter]
So in the middle of the show,
Jonathan fucking Flanders,
who's looking good--
you look like you lost
some weight,
kind of got it together.
You look like a man now.
You know what I mean?
You run into someone
from college,
you're like,
"Why are you man now?"
That's what happened
to Jonathan Flanders.
It's dead silent,
and he just goes,
"This show is McDonald's."
[laughter and applause]
And then I turn, and it's people
I know from fucking college.
This is like my otter moment.
I'm like,
"Is there a God?"
I'm up here like,
Tone-deaf Jesus
Blasphemy is fun
He's like, "Hey, Pete,
remember New Testament?"
[laughter]
Blasphemy is fun.
I like to mix up
which Jesus I blaspheme.
Mormon Jesus?
That's a good one.
He doesn't get enough.
"Fuck Mormon Jesus!"
Like in traffic?
It's fun.
It's okay.
I feel all your assholes
tightening up in unison.
No.
[chuckles]
Isn't that weird?
It's, like, the only other time
that happens
is on an airplane.
You know,
where there's a big bump.
Everyone's asshole just tight--
That's the only response
we have.
Your body is pathetic,
and it's like,
"We might die.
We can't grow wings.
Tighten the asshole."
That's the only time
that happens.
We could do it now.
On three...
[laughter]
No one will know
if you do it or don't.
This is just a treasure
for you.
And some of you, this is
the only thing you'll remember--
an in-unison butt clench
for no fucking reason
other than we're living our
lives and cashing happy checks.
Ready?
One...
You better do it.
I swear to God.
I swear to fuck--
Somehow I'll know.
Two...
You're kind of getting ready.
You didn't know
there was a way to get ready.
Some of you kind of widened
a little bit.
Three.
I did it.
[laughter]
We did it.
Good for you.
I think it's weird
that electric eels exist.
Those are real.
They're not like unicorns.
They're real.
Electric--are you listening?
Electric eels--
eels that have electricity
in them are a real thing.
They're swimming
in the ocean currently.
With currents.
That's happening.
That's insane.
When's the last time
you thought about that?
Kindergarten?
Someone just came up to you
and was like,
"Hey, electric eels
are a thing."
And you were just like,
"I believe you.
"I'm gonna file that
under 'T' for 'True'
and never open the file."
Imagine having that open
of a mind.
That would be like if you were
at the aquarium tomorrow,
and I just came up to you,
and I was like,
"Hey, you know seahorses
transmit a Wi-Fi signal?"
Just immediately you were like,
"What's the password?
"'Magical'?
It's 'magical'?
"It's working.
I'm on.
He swam away."
I also think it's weird
that we have
a berry called boysenberry.
Boysenberry, guys.
You know, we name the berries.
Human men and women get together
and name berries.
You don't just, like,
lean into them real close
and they whisper like,
"I'm a strawberry."
[laughter]
It's not how it works.
We get together,
and we decide the names,
and one of the names
we decided on
is boysenberry.
Guys, there's two varieties
of berries
that I'm aware of--
regular and poison.
We named one of the regular
berries "boysenberry."
That is one sound away from
a horrible camping accident.
Just like, "How was camping
with dad?"
"He thought I said boysen.
We're orphans now."
You can't add "B"
to a word
and have it be okay,
like,
"Who wants
banthrax berry pancakes?
Delicious!
Fresh banthrax from the mail."
[laughter]
You guys want to hear
my dirtiest joke?
We're almost done.
[cheers and applause]
It's my dirtiest joke.
It's not even that dirty.
It's just
like a fun dad dirty joke.
It's like we're at a barbecue,
and I'm like,
"Come over here
away from the ladies."
This is my Fresca.
"Come on. Get over here."
It's more of an idea.
I'm terrified of getting
a girl pregnant.
I think it's crazy that that's
something you can do.
Guys, that's something
you can do.
Depending on how you choose
your day,
the events in your day,
you can either, like,
eat an Egg McMuffin
or blow a baby up somebody.
[laughter]
Are you listening to me?
It's like
a Choose Your Own Adventure.
One page
has a low-cost breakfast.
The other, there's a baby that's
like, "I'm yours forever."
That's insane.
That's what makes me think--
I think one of the reasons
why guys enjoy pornography
is there's no way.
Nobody's getting pregnant.
Not only are you not involved,
but the people in the video
never get pregnant either.
'Cause it's always like,
"Come on my elbows."
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
"Comebirds.net."
And I think
in the back of your mind--
.com was taken.
In the back of your mind,
you're like, "That's hot...
and responsible."
But that's crazy.
'Cause the point of sex
evolutionarily
is to make a baby.
But that never happens
in pornography.
That's crazy.
That'd be like someone
inviting someone over
to their house,
you're like,
"You want to come over
on Saturday
and make a cake?"
"I love making cake."
"Well, come over on Saturday.
We'll make a cake together."
"I love it.
Cake day."
"I love that you called it
cake day.
See you Saturday
for cake day."
"Thanks for thinking of me."
And then they come over
on Saturday,
and you're like,
"Are you ready to make a cake?"
"Yeah."
You got a big bowl,
you start mixing up
the ingredients,
the milk and the eggs
and the cream,
and you whisk 'em up
real nice.
You preheat the oven.
And at the last second,
instead of sliding it
in there,
you just throw it
in their face.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Just like, "Boom!
"Nobody's getting pregnant
today.
"Look in the camera
and say, 'Bang bros.'
"Look in that camera
and say, 'Bang bros,
cupcake edition.'"
Okay, let's head back
over to the ladies.
Then we go back to the party.
You guys have been
truly wonderful.
This is the--
this is the last thing
I will say.
Then I just leave.
This will be
the last thing I say.
No, not really.
This is my favorite thing
to talk about.
We save it for the end.
People always get mad
about telemarketers.
I don't understand why.
Whenever I go home
and we get a telemarketer
during dinner or whatever,
my dad will answer the phone
and be like...
[shouts indistinctly]
"Ah, telemarketer!
I'm trying to eat my corn!"
Hangs up so mad.
Vein in his neck.
Guys, listen to me.
Telemarketers are a gift
from the Lord.
Do you understand?
It's an opportunity
for joy in your life.
Listen to what
I'm about to tell you.
They can't hang up.
[laughter]
Do you feel that?
That's the feeling of your life
getting better
right now.
If you don't swear
or threaten them,
it's their job to listen
to whatever you have to say.
What an opportunity!
I do it all the time.
This is a true story.
I answered my phone,
I saw on the caller I.D.
that it was a telemarketer,
I decide to have a little fun,
cash some happy checks,
live my life.
I answer the phone.
I went, "Hello!"
[laughter]
I can feel some of you
wanting that to be funnier.
But this is a true story.
And, remember,
no one was even there with me.
I was like,
this is gonna be great.
"Hello!"
He was like,
"Hi, is Peter Holmes there?"
I'm like, "This is she.
I'm in the bathtub!"
Scrubadubdub
Scrubadubdub
on my downstairs, downstairs
Say whatever you want.
"I threw up in my mouth!
"Should I swallow it?
Press 1."
Anything you want.
Guy's like, "Well, I'm calling
from Chase bank."
I'm like,
Ooh, money, money, money!
Money, money, money!
I did the money song
for ten minutes.
Not a real song.
Then I said the word "diarrhea"
20 times in a row.
Guys, I'm 33,
the age of the Lord.
I said "diarrhea" 20 times
in a row.
Never the same way twice.
Just listening to him
nose-breathe on the other end,
waiting for his turn to speak.
Finally, I run out of wind.
I can't say "diarrhea"
any longer.
And the guy gets a chance
to talk, and he's like...
"Well...
"Mrs. Holmes...
"I'm calling
to let you know
that your credit card
has been stolen."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
This is a true story.
What do you do?
I couldn't stop the voice
on a dime.
I had to, like, slowly work
my way out of the voice
over ten minutes.
I was like, "Oh, no!
"Did they buy anything
expensive?
"What do we do?
"Do we put a hold
on that account?
"Is that what we--
"Do we put a freeze
on those funds?
"Thank you so much
for the early alert, Chase.
"I could not afford to have
this happening right now.
"Thank you sincerely.
Good-bye!"
Austin, thank you so much,
everybody.
This was incredible.
Thank you so much
for being here.
Keep it crispy, everybody.
Thank you!
Thank you very, very much.
Good night!