Phat Girlz (2006) Movie Script

All right, boys.
Don't fight. Don't fight.
Oh, to the left.
Bring mama home, baby!
Bring mama home, baby!
- Jazmin!
- Say my name, baby.
- Jazmin Nellie Mae Biltmore!
- Oh, yes! Full address!
Fine, but you made me do it.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes!
- Ooh! What's cooking?
- Soy oatmeal.
Come on. Get up before you late for work.
Stacey's gonna be down there
blowin' any minute...
and you need to be ready
when she comes.
Hell, I'm trying to come too,
but your ass keep waking me up...
before I get there,
you filthy bitch!
Damn. Bitch can't even
get none in her own dreams.
Good morning, beautiful.
We'll pick up
where we left off tomorrow.
Maybe if you stuck
to one of your diets...
you could get some
in real life.
I hate skinny bitches.
Ever since we were little girls...
my cousin Mia was a bone,
and I was slightly larger.
While our mothers were out
makin' a livin'...
Grandma Nellie practically
raised us as sisters.
But I hated Mia
all through elementary school...
because she would just stand by and watch
as her skinny friends called me names...
and terrorized me just 'cause
I ain't look like that.
Besides Grandma,
my only friend was-
God, please help me lose weight.
But he didn't seem to be listening.
By junior high school,
I was a solid 200 pounds...
and my school-yard entourage
consisted of a whopping three people-
me, myself and I.
Life as a skinny girl bull's-eye
was pretty much routine...
until one day this real prissy
girl named Quaniqua Jackson...
called me a fat bitch
in front of Benji Ross.
Now, it wasn't the first time
I'd been called that...
but calling me that in front of my
future husband, baby, that required action.
I don't know what took over me,
but the next thing I knew...
Miss Quaniqua Jackson was seein' stars.
Now, I learned a very
valuable lesson that day, and that was...
if I couldn't get respect
because I wasn't a stick...
then I'd get respect
because I was a stone.
What's up, L. A.? Good morning.
Time to get up and go to work. It's another
beautiful day in Southern California...
and you better leave on time
'cause traffic is a mother.
- I'm coming, girl!
- Come on!
- All right.
As soon as I find something to wear.
All right.
Damn it! What the hell?
I swear these clothes
are shrinking.
No, porky, your big ass just gettin' fatter.
I'm coming, Stace! Damn!
I need some Crisco.
Oh! Is this the wrong hole?
Wait a minute. Oh, sh-
Not my sexiest combo,
but I still look good.
Too hot for 'em, Jaz.
- Child, come on before we get late.
- All right.
I ain't gonna carpool with you no more
if you can't be on time.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
I couldn't find nothing to wear.
All them clothes
in your closet?
Ain't my fault the stores make all
the cute stuff in junior sizes.
- That should tell you somethin'.
- Yeah, I need to keep sewing my own shit.
- Or that fat girls can't wear
everything skinny girls can.
- I ain't fat.
- I'm sexy succulent.
- Get in the car.
See, this is why we need
to start leaving earlier.
You know I'm trying
to stick to my diet.
Oh, okay, now,
if I order an exercise video...
and 10 bottles
of Metabo Pills...
I could win me a trip
to Palm Springs.
One of them
sweepstakes entries.
It's like all them other
diet products you got- gimmicks.
All right, but you ain't gonna be saying that
when I get bootylicious like Beyonc.
I think you got her beat
in the booty department.
Give me these damn cookies.
- Uh, hi.
- Hey, sweetie.
Could you tell me
which one of these shirts...
um, goes better
with these jeans?
Come on, baby.
Let's go get you a money outfit.
- Excuse me. Excuse me, miss.
- Yeah?
Can I get
your honest opinion?
- Sure.
- Do I look fat in this?
No, Twiggy, I look fat in this.
You look ugly in that.
- It's a perfect fit.
- Thanks. I'll take it!
I hate skinny bitches.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
That's a damn shame.
Brother know he need to be
spending his hard-earned money on a sister.
If I see another white girl with one of our men,
I swear I'm gonna shoot somebody.
- Better get your gun cocked.
- What?
Oh, hell, no.
O.J. didn't teach you nothin'.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
My hair!
Did it get me?
Breathe. Count to 10.
Breathe. Count to 10.
Why don't people watch
where they're drinking?
You still look good.
Stay calm. Here. Here.
Take my car, go change...
and just be back
before lunch.
Who can even fit
in a size zero?
A bitch with no ass, no thighs and hips
as wide as my forearms.
- Come on, girl. Let's go to lunch.
- Can't. I just sent Kelly.
I need you to go work in the
plus-size department until she gets back.
No, Stace, no. I can't go work
in that department.
Look at that pitiful-ass excuse
for fashion over there.
Stace, even you
don't wear that stuff.
Who do they actually believe
is gonna buy that shit?
See what I mean? Now, how's she gonna
get a man in that?
We probably
look like that.
But she waddles.
We don't waddle.
- Do we?
- Hell, no, we don't waddle.
Now, we might jiggle
just a little...
but we don't waddle.
Ooh, Miss Thing!
I will work the hell out of that top,
and I'm straight as an arrow.
- You like it, Ramn?
- Girl, I love it. It is phat.
"Pretty, hot and thick."
- Okay, bitch. I didn't know where
you was goin' with that "phat."
- Thank you.
And while you bullshittin',
I heard that man over there...
And while you bullshittin',
I heard that man over there...
is the head buyer of
the whole Bloomfeld's.
You need to go on over there and show
him your sketches and flatter him...
into launching
you a line, girl.
- The one next to dickface?
- Yeah, but I wouldn't call him
that when you go over there.
Well, I ain't the one
who named him Richard.
Now, how you get "Dick"
out of "Richard" anyway?
You back up very carefully.
You did not hear that.
- So y'all think I should go over there?
- Damn right, girl.
Yeah, Jaz, go over there.
Show him your sketches, girl. Be bold.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, come with me, Stace.
- No.
- See?
All right, let's do it.
Okay, give me the pound.
- Okay. All right now.
- All right, here we go.
Get up on his grille.
Sell him that stuff.
Oh, no.
Yes, Jazmin?
What can I do for you?
Well, actually,
I wanted to talk to him.
Is that the head buyer
of Bloomfeld's?
And that information is
pertinent to you because?
- Well, I want to show him
my fashion design sketches.
- Absolutely not.
Robert Myer is an
extremely busy man...
and doesn't have time
to entertain your amateur sketches.
Maybe he can just take a look
and tell me if I've got potential.
I got this whole
book of plus-size designs.
Since our plus-size selection could use some
help, I thought he might be interested.
I can assure you he's not.
But he's standing right there.
Can I just talk to him?
You wouldn't believe how many big women
come up to me on the street every day...
wantin' to know
where I got my outfit from.
And frankly,
I don't give a damn.
Look, Jazmin, launching a clothing line
is much more than a notion...
and takes a lot of things
that you don't have.
Now, I have work to do and so do you
if you appreciate your job here.
Go... Bloomfeld's!
I'm gonna start my line. I'm gonna show
dickface. I'm gonna get me a bank loan.
Jaz, girl, you know I'm down
for you for whatever...
but bank loans
aren't easy to get.
They ain't just
handing 'em out.
Then I'll do whatever
it takes, Stace.
- You serious about this, huh?
- Damn right I'm serious.
I'm sorry, Ms. Biltmore,
your loan application has been denied.
- Denied?
- Uh, due to...
Yes, unfortunately,
although the home that your...
sweet Grandma Nellie left you...
is located in what some
might classify...
as an upper-middle-class
uh, the bank classifies it
as a high-risk zone.
- You mean a "black zone."
- Ms. Biltmore, this is not a race issue.
No, no. We here at First Plantation Bank
are an equal-opportunity lender.
It says so right there
on our brochure.
Sir, listen to me, okay?
Jazmin Biltmore don't beg nobody...
but I really
need this loan.
And my clothing line is a surefire
moneymaker, 'cause big girls like myself...
we have a hard time
finding trendy clothes to wear.
And consequently, we have a hard time
finding dates too, if you know what I mean.
But, um, I didn't come in here to get
all up in my personal business...
but, Mr. Banker, I ain't been laid
in nine months, hear?
Nine long months.
- So if-if you would...
give me the loan to help me
get my line off the ground...
not only will you get
your money back twofold...
but you'll be helping me
solve a very big problem...
for a lot of big girls.
Well, Ms. Biltmore,
if finding a date is your problem...
may I suggest...
Jenny Craig?
- Excuse me?
- I said, if finding a date is your problem-
I heard what you said.
You wanna say that again, sucker?
'Cause I will whip your balding ass all around
this bank! You don't say shit like that to me.
- Suggest Jenny Craig? Yeah, you can suggest it.
- Security!
- Just say it!
- Security!
Say something!
Say something!
- If you ever in my part of town,
your ass is whupped!
- Take her out of my bank now!
- Don't you ever come in my bank!
- Get me my stuff!
- Where's my toupee?
- You're probably a cross-dresser!
That's right! That's right! I ain't scared!
I ain't scared of your ass!
- I will whup your ass!
- Now, wait a minute.
Jaz, I know you're
depressed about the loan...
but I think you need to
slow down on those drinks.
Bartender, give me another shot.
And for her-
- Another iced tea.
- And do her a favor, baby.
Drive it through Long Island
on your way back over here.
And who's gonna drive us
home if we're both drunk?
Not me.
Yes, um...
I'm gonna have
a Cosmopolitan. Whoo!
Maybe this, uh, fine brother'll volunteer
to drive us home.
You wasn't that cute
no way, nucka!
Some cheering-up session
this night turned out to be.
Stace, pull up at that
Fatassburger over there.
Welcome to Fatassburger.
May I take your fat-ass order?
Yes. I'm gonna have
a Skinny Ass protein burger.
No bun, no mayo.
- And a skinny water.
- And I'll have-
She'll have what I got. You're trying
to stick to the diet, remember?
Yeah, I remember.
Uh, look, give me what she got,
but while you're at it...
make that Skinny Ass
protein patty...
a Fat Ass double-beef patty
with extra mayo...
put the bun back on there,
slap on some bacon and cheese...
and when you done,
slide up a chili dog...
two Fat Ass fries,
a onion ring...
a pecan pie
and a jumbo chocolate shake.
And I'll have the same.
What, y'all gonna need
a garbage bag to haul all that food out?
Excuse me?
What, you got too much fat
around your ears to hear?
- Ooh.
Oh, you punk.
See, if you want
to bag up in here...
with your ugly ass, you got to come
a lot stronger than that.
- Oh, well, let's do it.
- Well, let's do it!
Come on, punk,
what you got?
All right.
You so fat...
you can't fall down.
You so ugly,
your birth certificate...
is an apology letter
from the condom factory.
All right, well,
you so fat...
that, uh, you got to sleep
on a Texas-sized mattress.
You so ugly, when your mama
gave birth to you...
- she named you Shit Happens.
- Ooh!
All right, well,
you so fat that you need help...
just to get out of bed in the morning.
You worked hard
on that one, didn't you?
You so ugly that your mama got
morning sickness after you were born.
Boo-doo. Pow!
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
See, you can't quit now,
'cause I'm just gettin' started.
You so ugly, that pimple
on top of your mouth...
mistook your lips
for the crack of your ass.
I believe that's the herpes.
I don't want no damn food
from you, Jack!
Oh, you're bitchin'
up on me, Jack!
You so damn ugly...
that every time
your mama sees you...
she says to your daddy...
"Damn! I should've
just gave you head."
I'm cool, man.
Stacey and Mia,
grab our shit.
I guess my cousin
told you.
She ain't tell me nothin'!
And she's still a fat bitch.
Excuse me?
Did you just call me a-
That's right, I called you a-
fat bitch!
That's my cousin, y'all.
Damn! She knocked
his ass out cold.
Oh, my God.
Take a picture next time.
It'll last longer. Mm-mm-mm.
You ever wonder why everybody
has somebody else...
except us?
See, Stace, the reason you don't have nobody
is the way you dress.
Now, you want a man?
You know, show a little cleavage
or somethin'.
And when's the last time
flashing cleavage got you a date?
Oh, see, you didn't even have to go there.
You're hateful.
Jaz, look around.
You notice what I notice?
We're the only
black people in here.
- No, we're the only fat people in here.
- Stace...
look, don't go there
with me, okay?
I hate when you get like this.
I'm not trying to be depressed today.
Bitch had a hard enough time
just gettin' out of bed this morning.
I'm going on break.
You can take your lunch
when I get back.
All right.
Keep it together, Stace.
One of us sure need to.
I do waddle.
Hey, this is Jazmin Biltmore...
so at the beep, do your thing.
Hi. This is the Metabo Pill Corporation calling...
to inform Miss Jazmin Biltmore
that you've won an all-expense paid...
travel vacation
to a five-star resort...
- in Palm Springs.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, you won!
- To claim your prize, call 555-1212.
You really won.
I can't believe people really do
win those things.
A five-star spa luxury resort in Palm Springs.
Oh, I've got so much
shopping to do.
I- I am going, right?
The mood I'm in,
I might not be going.
Okay, that's a joke, right?
If you don't want it, I'll take it.
I've got some coworkers
at the gym.
- They would love to go.
- Oh, no, Jaz, you going.
You not sticking me alone in Palm Springs
with Mia and one of her carrot-nibbling friends.
- Oh!
- Stace, I ain't trying to spend a whole week...
with a bunch of half-naked, skinny hos
flaunting around in dental floss all day.
Forget them, Jaz.
We need this.
If you won't go for you,
at least go for me.
And for me, your best cousin.
I'll go for you, Stace.
A good a reason as any.
Palm Springs
here we come!
- You need some help?
- Stacey, why don't you-
What are y'all doing?
Wait the car's moving. Wait-
Are you okay?
- Did y'all pack all of them?
- Don't scratch my bags.
- Palm Springs here we come!
- Here we come.
Let's do this!
Now, see, all you have to have is a little faith...
'cause I knew I
was gonna win.
- I knew I was gonna win this trip.
- She knew it.
- You were right, Jaz.
- I didn't hear you, Stace.
- I- I said, you were right, Jaz.
- Damn right I'm right.
Skinny bitches.
- Do you smell smoke?
Oh, my God.
Jesus, I done died
and gone to heaven.
Oh, if the lobby looks
like this, imagine what the-
- The room.
- The buffets.
What? Have you guys never been
to a five-star resort before?
- No.
- No.
Well, I'm off
to the pool.
- You ladies coming with?
- Uh-huh.
Just give me a second to throw a thong
up my crack. I'll be right with you.
Oh, but, Jaz, these deep-tissue
massages sound good.
Okay, well,
you know, you ladies...
y'all gonna have to
tell me all about it...
because I'm off to find me a rich,
handsome gent to spend my week with.
- See ya.
- See ya later.
- All that damn skinny went right to her head.
- Right.
One Cherry Blast
with a lime twist.
Mmm. Good. Thanks.
- That be all?
- Yeah.
On second thought, I think
I'm gonna have him to go.
Girl, this is so much better
then that raggedy-ass...
piece of terry cloth
grandma robe I brought from home.
- I like it.
- So how you think yours is bad?
My terry cloth
is hanging by a thread.
Pull it. Pull it.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Oh, it's gonna see my-
Wait a minute,
my... might be out.
Let me see.
- Terry cloth.
- Terry cloth.
I know you don't
expect our big asses...
to fit on these
little-ass tables.
Hmm. Thought you'd be hitched up
with some rich hunk by now.
Oh, I'm working on it...
but this puppy
is playing a little...
harder than usual.
Have you ever seen a man just
so damn fine in all your life?
All I see is arms
and legs kicking.
Well, we've been playing eye tag
for about an hour now.
The drink-stand worker
says he's a doctor.
Oh, my God, girl, look.
He's gettin' out the pool.
Tongue, be still.
Oh, my God,
he's coming over here.
- How do I look, huh? How do I look?
- Like you always look.
Oh, okay.
Perfect. Mm-hmm.
See, I knew it.
I knew he would finally break.
He wanted this.
He wanted it. Mmm.
Damn. Why Skinny always
got to get the good ones?
- Good afternoon, ladies.
- Good afternoon.
- Hi.
- Are you all here on vacation?
One of the many we take
throughout the year.
So I hear you're here all the way from Africa
for the big medical convention.
- Nigeria, to be exact.
- Well, isn't that interesting.
You see, I've always wanted
to travel to exotic places.
So, tell me,
what's it like in Nigeria?
- Hot.
- Ooh.
- Are you always this intensely quiet?
- Miss Motormouth here? Please.
- She's the loudest one out of all of us.
- Oh, really?
I find outspoken women
very fascinating.
Truth be told, I'm quite
the little chatterbox myself.
Chirp, chirp. Chatter, chatter.
Whoo! This heat.
Oh, it's just so treacherous.
Wow, I did not know they made bodies
that beautiful here in America.
Oh, you see this body, baby,
it wasn't made overnight.
I'm actually a world-renowned
aerobics instructor.
Actually, I was talking
about your beautiful plump friend here.
- Me?
- Her?
Yes, her.
Close your mouth, child.
Flies might get in.
- What is your name?
- Sweet Jesus,
what the hell is my name?
I am Tunde Jonathan.
Pleased to meet you.
Do you have a name?
Excuse her.
Her name is Jazmin.
It is a pleasure
to meet you, Jazmin.
Oh, no, baby, the pleasure is all mine.
Jazmin, what is wrong with you?
This man is
talking to you.
Pardon me, ladies,
for being rude, but you are?
Pissed off.
- Mia.
- Stacey.
Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
Well, ladies,
meet my friends and colleagues.
This is Akibo.
This is Jazmin.
And this is Mia.
Hey, I just thought
of a brilliant idea.
Maybe if you ladies
don't have plans tonight...
you wouldn't mind
accompanying us to the fund-raising...
party that our
native friends are throwing.
Actually, that would
be a great idea.
If Miss Jazmin would be
my very special guest.
- Yes, she will.
- And you.
- Will you be mine?
- Okay.
Godwin here is very shy
in expressing himself...
but he would be delighted
if you were his guest of honor.
Oh, gao.
Girl, a bitch tongue
just got paralyzed.
He is so juicy.
He is so juicy.
He is fine.
My Akibo is quite a hunk himself.
I just want to say...
I did not come all the way to Palm Springs
to get hooked up with Fat Albert.
From the sounds of it, homeboy wasn't
digging you too much either.
- Really not at all.
- "No, gao."
Well, wait until you find out...
how domineering and chauvinistic
those African men can be.
They want their woman to be completely
submissive to them. And you know what else?
One of my clients, she happens to be married
to this Nigerian guy...
and she told me he even wants her
to get circumcised.
Shi-Ain't nobody cuttin'
on my figgy puddin'.
I'm sure all Nigerian men
do not believe in that.
Well, here's my chance to find out.
Stace, how do I look?
'Cause I could have some green stuck in my
teeth, and this heifer wouldn't even tell me.
You put the "P"
in "phat," girl.
And the "F" too, but we're not gonna
worry about that tonight.
- All right.
- Go get the door. Go.
- Get the door. Get the door!
- Okay!
And you look quite fabulous
yourself, darling.
Oh, girl.
Good evening.
You look, uh-
Very nice, he says.
We are going to be the envy of every man
at the party tonight.
- Hello, Jazmin.
- Just tell me you do not believe
in circumcising women.
Is that a greeting?
Well, I just want to know
before we step out this door.
What if we talk about
it in the car?
Our driver is waiting.
Let's just say that in some remote parts
of Nigeria, they do practice it.
But do you believe in it?
Speak English, now.
Well, the simple answer to your question is no.
Baby, I'm not going to be satisfied...
till you get me back up
in your hotel room tonight.
- Welcome.
- Welcome.
- Welcome.
- Welcome. Welcome.
Yeah, Dr. Tunde. Akibo. Where did you find this
beautiful, thick Madame from?
Your wish
is my command.
- At your service.
- Mmm!
where is your meat?
We have got to fatten you up
while you are here, huh?
So, how do you find
Nigerian food?
- Tasty. Thank you.
If you are ever looking
for some native attire...
I'm your man.
Thank you.
Thank-Thank you.
I am glad that you
like Nigerian food.
- You find it tasty?
- Bump the food.
I wanna taste you,
you big, fine-ass African...
spear-throwing, lion-hunting...
"Mandingo" warrior
with a king-size-
- Thirsty?
- Excuse me? Huh? Excuse me?
Why don't we go
and get something to drink?
- Okay, okay. Mm-hmm.
- Yes?
In order to truly
enjoy fufu...
you have to swallow
big chunks at a time.
Dip it in the egusi soup...
and swallow.
Ah, ah.
It's okay, right?
I want to get to know you
like no man has ever known you.
you need to eat more.
I know exactly
what I need to do.
Thank you.
And it's not eat more.
Taxi! Taxi! Oh! Ooh, get me the hell
out of here, please.
These people are crazy!
Ladies and gentlemen, the favorite part
of the evening-
the spray dance!
What's the spray dance?
Oh, the spray dance. It is a tradition
where we dance for money.
Uh-oh. It's about to be a strip show
up in this camp! Oh!
Yes, they are
inviting you out.
- Come on, Stace.
- I ain't going out there.
Okay. Then watch me
rack up on the dollars.
We have a saying
in my country.
"A pearl is not a pearl...
until it's out
of its shell."
And I know,
under that shy shell of yours...
there is a big, bold woman
waiting to burst out...
and enjoy life.
Just look at
your friend there.
She's only your friend because
there's a lot of her...
buried inside of you.
That was just
a taste of Nigeria.
- I hope you enjoyed it.
- Oh, I did.
A bitch racked up a hundred
dollars doing my number.
Ow! Y'all don't know
nothing about that, do ya?
You gotta do me.
You gotta do me.
You are a very rich
woman, Jazmin.
Well, I wouldn't
call a hundred dollars exactly rich.
But cut me loose a few weeks in Nigeria,
and I might be.
I was not speaking
in terms of money.
In Africa...
a woman's body size
is a reflection...
of her social status.
The thicker she is,
the richer she's presumed to be.
Well, hell, I'm livin'
in the wrong country.
I wanna live where
they like the fat girls.
Whoa. But we don't
call it "fat."
The term is "thick Madame."
Thick Madame.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.
Thank you.
I might sound
extremely shallow...
saying that on a scale
from one to 10...
you are the perfect 20.
Wait a minute.
This is too good
to be true.
- You need a green card or somethin'?
- That's funny.
That don't answer
the question.
No. No.
I do not need a green card.
But I would like
to ask you one question.
Yes. Yes, I will marry you.
Why do you refer
to yourself as "bitch"?
Wow. Um...
it's just an expression.
American girls...
we sometimes use it
to refer to ourselves or our friends.
It's... a term of affection.
Okay. Thank you
for the explanation... bitch.
- Excuse me?
- You see?
It was not such
an affectionate term after all.
Jazmin, I cannot tell you
how to express yourself...
but you are way too classy of a lady
to use such profanity.
Tell you what.
Why don't we change into
something a bit more casual?
And then we'll
meet here in 10 minutes.
Okay. Ten minutes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, I've been wanting
to ask you all night.
With a full figure
such as yours...
why do you hide it under
all of this bulky clothing?
as big as I am...
I don't need to be
showing no skin.
If the decision
were mine...
you would be naked
all the time.
Um. Oh.
- You okay?
- Oh.
This is nice.
I knew you
would like it.
Thank you.
So tell me more about
your passion for fashion.
I could talk about that
all night.
One day,
I'm gonna go to Paris.
- Paris.
- Yes.
Fashion capital
of the world.
I did my
residency there.
Maybe it's just
a silly pipe dream...
'cause it seems everybody and they mama
got a clothing line out now.
Whose mother?
No, it's, um-
It's just another
American expression.
- What'd you say?
- It's French.
I said, "Everything in
its own time, my dear.
"It will happen for you
when you least expect it...
"and on that day, you will
remember Dr. Tunde...
and smile."
I wish you could see
what I see.
So, tell me...
when was the last time
you had fun?
Real fun.
Just let go of
all of your inhibitions...
and live passionately
in the moment...
with no thought
for tomorrow.
Well, it's time
to start living.
How you doing?
Okay, well,
I guess we are here.
- Is, uh, this room 334?
- Mm-hmm.
Here we are, back to your room,
uh, safe and sound.
I wouldn't want your girlfriends to think
that I was a bad doctor...
keeping you
out too long.
I'm sure they're worried sick
about me right now.
Oh, yeah, baby, get thick with it.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Ow, shit.
Well, looking forward
to seeing you again tomorrow.
You could've saw me tonight, fool.
Okay. Oops.
Looks like your necklace is-
Let me fix it.
I will be your African queen,
your thick Madame...
your royal princess,
mother of all your babies.
Oh, Tunde.
Thank you.
Okay, then.
Good night,
my American princess.
- Good night.
- Sleep tight.
More like alone and disappointed.
You too.
I hope I'm not
going too fast.
Child, a brother
was hittin' it so good...
he had me singing the Nigerian
national anthem up in there.
Girl, you crazy.
Oh, you think
I'm bullshittin'?
I don't know what kind of
African roots...
that man put on you
to yank you out...
that stuffy-ass shell of yours,
but I like it.
Dang, Stace,
we had to hook up with men...
visiting all the way from Africa
just to get some love.
Who said anything
about love?
This is a lust thing.
I'm the queen of the world!
Why do you insist on covering
up all of your assets?
I don't ever want to see you
with clothes on again.
I can live without the tail,
but the head is the best part.
Can I see it?
I mean, I see.
I see you ate yours.
You know, back home,
when a woman is in the kitchen...
cooking fish for her husband,
she makes sure that...
the eyeball stays in because...
it is believed that fish eye
gives men extra stamina.
- Does it?
- Oh, yes.
Now, speakin' of women
in the kitchen...
you don't believe that's where
her place should be, do you?
- Only when they're not cleaning.
- Excuse me? Waiter.
I am kidding, okay?
Don't test me,
okay, Tunde?
'Cause I keep my boxing
gloves back in the room.
Most men will find you
very intimidating...
but I find you very-
but I find you very-
So how was everything?
- Good. Thank you.
- Excellent. We aim to please.
Is there anything else
I can get you?
No, that will be all.
Thank you.
Dessert menu, perhaps?
Did you hear what he said?
No, thank you.
Okay. Okay.
Well, you and your sister...
have a good one.
Sister? I'm about to put my foot
up her bony ass.
Whoa, whoa!
Stop, stop. Come on.
- Did you hear-
- Relax, relax. Come on. Sit here.
Lord, I thought you forgot
your boxing gloves back in the room.
Did you hear
how that bitch-
woman tried to dis me?
Jazmin, why do her
silly comments bother you?
- I mean, I find it quite amusing.
- Well, I don't.
And I don't know what you
do over in your village, but over here...
you just can't
disrespect a sister.
I suspect that the real
reason why you're angry...
it's because you believe that
she can compete with you.
Well, she won't be able to as soon as I get
down to my perfect size five.
Now, it's not gonna take me long,
'cause I just got this...
workout video that will blow
Tae-Bo out the water.
Jazmin, you will never be a size five.
And I'm speaking to you
as a medical professional.
Your body structure
is not made to be a five.
You are beautiful.
So why would you want to fit in with American
society's fleeting standard of beauty?
Because, Tunde,
I live here, okay?
And every time
I open up a magazine...
or I go to the movies or I see the music videos,
all the girls are just-
Hopelessly insecure
and incurably unhappy.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
I have never been
so exhausted.
Shall we go
for lunch now?
Oh, forget lunch.
I got all the stuff
I need right here.
No, not again. No.
Hold on, I'm just
getting started.
Now, I know what gave me the courage
to get my big ass in this bathing suit...
but what about you?
It ain't about courage.
Akibo ripped up every outfit
I brought out here.
I ain't got
no more clothes.
- Girl, you so crazy. So y'all hooking up tonight?
- Dinnertime.
Well, not that we'll be eating.
What about y'all?
You know, Stace,
I don't get it.
I mean, the chemistry is there,
the attraction is bangin'...
and the sexual tension
is off the hook.
But, for some reason,
he won't go there with me.
Because he is gay.
- But what do I know?
- Not a damn thing, hater.
Okay, hold up.
Now check out Miss Stace here.
Girl, you got your titties up,
your legs showin'. Mmm.
Now what's gotten
into you, child?
- Dr. Akibo.
- Dr. Akibo.
Yes, he's in it.
I really like you, Jazmin.
Since the very first time
I laid eyes on you...
I could feel that
special connection.
Then, Tunde, why haven't you
tried anything, huh?
Last night
it could've been on.
I mean, on.
But you sat there like a lump on a log.
And when you dropped me off at my room,
you gave me a handshake.
It was a kiss on your hand.
I was trying
to show you respect.
But if you gauge how much
a man likes you...
by how quick he tried
to rip your clothes off...
then I'd be happy
to oblige you.
- My place or yours, baby?
- But, unfortunately...
tonight I'll be tied up in a meeting
with the president...
of the International
Medical Association.
But tomorrow
I'll be all yours.
Well, since I was
unable to appease you...
with instant gratification,
Funny how one kiss
from the right guy can give a girl...
a whole new attitude.
Gloomy one day
and sunny the next.
Ooh, harder.
Harder. Yes.
Yes, Tunde.
Is that avocado?
Mmm, tasty.
The world is finally comin'
around to seein' things my way.
at least some of the world.
Can you pass me
one of them cookies?
Oh, that's the best cookie.
That is the best cook-
Pop one of them cookies in your mouth.
That's the best-
That's a good cookie.
Feeling so damn good,
I got a date with myself.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord, thank you
for this blessed opportunity...
and help me to know where to start
on this wonderful buffet.
And, Lord, most importantly...
let my stomach
be much bigger than my eyes.
Amen. Amen.
Girl, dig in.
Ooh, yes, that's what
I'm talkin' about, baby.
Just get you some salad,
'cause you been workin' so hard.
Just get a piece of turkey,
a little piece of protein.
Little cracker.
This is my crouton.
Baby, chicken on a stick.
Hmm, you need company.
Oh, just a couple pieces
of quiche, one little brownie, a croissant.
And just one sparerib, okay?
Oh, Jesus, they got a couple shrimps.
Wish I had a little
melted cheese to dip it in.
I am doing so good.
Yes, you are, Jaz.
Hey, Jazmin,
what's going on?
Don't "what's going on" me! I thought
you were supposed to go to a meeting.
- You tryin' to play me?
- No, this is-
And who is she? You wouldn't sleep with me
'cause you were so busy sleeping with her?
Sorry. We're not sleeping together.
We're just colleagues.
Oh, and, Tunde, did you feed her
with the same lines you fed me with?
- Jazmin, you are mistaken.
- And what happened to your
meeting with the president...
of the International Association
or medical board or whatever?
Did that conveniently
get canceled too?
Jazmin, this is the president
of the International Medical Association.
Excuse me, Sarah. Jazmin.
Jazmin, stop!
What is wrong with you, woman?
What just happened in there?
Is it who you are?
And if it is, then what?
Then I'll be asking, why are you
such a suspicious person?
Why are you so angry?
That woman in there-
she's a friend, a colleague, like she said.
She's also the wife of a fellow doctor
here at the convention.
Well, still, if you're
not sleepin' with that woman...
it's just a matter of time
before you're sleepin' with another one.
What do you want me to do?
I don't want you
to do nothin', Tunde...
except just
leave me alone, okay?
No, no, no. You're gonna have to answer
me one question.
Look at me.
What was this between us?
Was it just a blip
in your life?
I mean, this morning you said
that everything was perfect.
And now... everything
turned out so ugly.
'Cause maybe I'm ugly.
Okay, I mean, do you see this?
Look at this. Look at it.
All of it. Look at it.
It ain't goin' nowhere.
Nowhere. And neither are we, okay?
So let's just stop kiddin' each other
and say good-bye now.
Then you can go
get you a skinny woman.
Hey, Stace, I'm sorry
to interrupt you guys...
but I came to tell you I gotta
get the hell up outta here.
- I gotta go.
- What happened?
Come on, Mia, pack your shit.
We're leavin'.
You ain't gots
to tell me twice.
Will you tell me
what happened?
Move, Stace.
What did Tunde do?
- What did he do, Jaz?
- Nothing. Nothing, Stace.
It was me, Stace. It was me. Me.
It's okay.
You can stay. I don't
want to ruin your trip.
No. If you're leavin',
I'm leavin'.
- No, Stace.
- Yes.
I knew it was too good
to be true.
I knew it was.
That's what I always say.
When it's too good
to be true...
they must be gay.
Oh, hi, Madam Piggy Wiggy.
I'm just sittin' here
feelin' sorry for myself.
Thought I had a date
with Miss Slim Goody.
Turns out she never intended
to go out with a fatty like me.
It was all a big joke,
and I was the butt of it.
But you don't look like
an ass to me, Mr. Fat Man.
Hey, why don't you join me
in my pity party-
I mean, piggy party.
Your piggy parties is what got me
in this blubbery mess in the first place.
I think I got indigestion.
Hey, this is Jaz. Hang up at the beep.
Jaz, you've been in that bed...
wallowing in your misery for three days,
and it's time to snap out of it.
'Cause the way I see it, Akibo was just
a preview of greater things to come for me.
And the same goes
for you and Tunde-
Message erased.
...had frustrating results...
and haven't been able to lose weight
on any of the other methods...
come on in
and sleep that weight off.
Dia-Trim Weight Loss Shoe
creates resistance-
Studies have proven that daily exercise
is the fastest route to weight loss.
So if you want
that perfect bod-
I've tried all types of diets,
but nothing will work for me.
They tell me, "Oh, no, not you.
You're not fat. "
Of course I'm fat!
Look at me.
I just never imagined
that I could get this big.
I don't want
to have to eat lettuce!
Those stupid bags
of spring mix piss me off!
The only thing I am sure of...
is that there is no room
in this world for fat people.
They should just round us all up
and send us to some island.
Hell, that
wouldn't even work...
'cause we'd probably end up
eating each other.
Jazmin, you will never be a size five.
Jaz, honey, um,
I'm steppin' out for a second.
Do you need me
to bring you back anything...
like some air freshener?
Bitch, what you say?
Your room stinks like hell...
and it's time that you
get back with the program.
- I mean, just look at yourself.
- I am looking at me.
On second thought,
no, I'm not. You ain't me.
You ain't never been me.
You don't know what it's like to feel my pain.
You ain't never weighed
more than a buck oh-five in your life...
and you think
you feel my pain?
- Huh, bitch?
- Jazmin, are you talking to me?
Who the hell do you think
I'm talkin' to, you bulimic, anorexic bitch?
Well, geez, you don't
gotta get ugly.
Did you just call me ugly?
Bitch, did you just call me ugly?
I will kick your-
It's on. You hear me?
It's about to be on.
Bitch, you have tortured me
and taunted me...
made me do things to my body
trying to be like you.
What you say?
What you say? Take that!
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you for all the times
you told me I was fat!
Oh, my God!
My cousin has gone mad!
She's trying to kill me!
Never be a size five!
I won't! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, somebody
shut that fat bitch up!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Grandma. Grandma?
Look at me, Grandma.
Grandma. Grandma. Grandma.
You are beautiful.
Inside and out.
You're beautiful, sugar.
I'm beautiful.
I am. I am.
I am. I am beautiful.
All of me.
I love me.
I love me. I love me.
You are a diamond, girl.
And don't you ever forget it.
- Is it okay to enter?
- Come on in, girl.
Ooh! I'm sorry, Jaz.
I didn't know you was dressin'. I'll come back.
Oh, no, it's all right.
I wasn't gettin' dressed.
I just felt
like bein' naked.
Oh, okay.
Oh, um, okay.
Shoot, for a minute there
yesterday, girl...
I thought you
had lost your mind.
Oh, my God, Jaz.
What happened to your room?
Just a little bit
of spring cleaning.
It smells so good,
and it looks so clean.
You sure you're all right?
I am "fat-tabulous."
- Yes, you are.
- Yeah.
Mmm. I love you.
I love you too.
And I'm sorry
about your head.
- You want me to show you how it feels?
- No.
Ooh, Stace,
that's my cut!
Come on. Come on.
All night. Yeah.
What's goin' on?
Oh, it's nothin'.
Just two fat bitches.
Oh, I got this.
What did you say?
I said it's just
two fat bitches.
Yeah, did she stutter?
You know, the only thing
stopping me from putting my size 10 foot...
up y'all bony asses is the fact that I know,
as pretty as you girls are...
if you got to clown somebody else
just to feel good about yourselves...
then you must feel
pretty damn ugly inside.
And if that's the case,
do me a favor-stop hatin'.
'Cause I'm plump like a roast
and thicker than most.
Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!
Girl, they are jammin'.
Hey, ladies, what you drinkin'?
Give us something sexy.
Two somethin' sexy's comin' up!
Ooh, Miss Stace! Sexy.
Feelin' sexy.
You want to dance?
He obviously doesn't remember us, Stace.
See, the last time
we were here...
I recall you
laughing at us...
when we asked you to be a gentleman
and drive us home.
- Right.
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
- Damn, what was I thinking?
The same thing I'm thinkin' right now.
- See ya! Peace.
- Peace.
- Yes, baby.
- All right.
- You know what? I got this round.
- Uh-uh. I got it.
Actually, ladies, those two gentlemen
over there got it.
Oh, child, we got some mens
buyin' us drinks and things.
Okay, okay. I want
the chocolate coffee.
No cream, no sugar.
- How you doin' ladies?
- Hey.
I would love to dance.
All right,
let's do it.
Cha-cha. Ooh, I love this dress.
It's pink. It's fresh.
Hey, y'all, welcome back!
How was the vacation?
Hey, y'all, welcome back!
How was the vacation?
- Life-changing.
- Ooh, ooh, I see.
Girl, you got two eyes instead of four.
Look at those knockers.
Mama said knock me out.
Now, bitch, give me
all the juicy details.
- A good girl never kisses and tells.
- Ooh!
- So where do you want me to start?
- Okay.
Excuse me. Can we get
some damn help around here?
Is anybody working here?
- Anybody?
- Ramn.
- Customer.
How can I help you?
Jaz, go help them.
I need to do inventory.
Yeah, can you tell me why everything in this
department matches my living room set?
- That's what I wanna know.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, ladies, unfortunately
I can't, because-
Because the only person that
can answer that question...
is that man
right over there.
Why don't we go ask him?
Can you give me a sec?
I saw it comin'.
Ladies, follow me.
All right.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, I do.
That's a bangin' dress
she's got on.
- Oh, I'd wear the hell out of that, girl.
- Yes, Jazmin, what is it?
Dick, these ladies
have a question for you...
and I have
a question for him.
- But you can't-
- Watch me.
Okay, 4:00 is good.
Hi. I'm sorry to disturb you.
My name is Jazmin Biltmore.
- I understand you're
the head buyer at Bloomfeld's.
- I am.
Excuse me.
Are you gonna help us or not?
Oh, I'm sorry, ladies.
How can I be of assistance?
We'd like to know which rack
she got her dress from.
Well, I'm not exactly sure.
Why don't we go ask her?
See, I'm an aspiring fashion
designer, and I was wondering-
Jazmin, need I remind you that you're on
the clock and should be assisting customers?
Now, these ladies would like you
to go and show them...
which rack
you got your outfit from.
- Oh, that is not one of ours.
- No.
Actually, I designed it
and made it myself.
- You made that?
- You made that? That is fly!
It's got a lot of flavor.
It is sexy yet professional.
Classy yet... sassy.
And this was
last season's design.
There's a lot more
where this came from.
Dang, girl, you gotta hook
your big sisters up.
- Just say how much.
- Has anybody seen these?
Well, I asked Dick
the last time you were here...
if I could show them to you,
but he said you would never...
be interested
in my amateur sketches.
- This Dick?
- This Dick.
- So you saw these sketches?
- Well-
- And you held them back from me?
- Not exactly.
Richard, you and I
have got to talk.
I agree.
She's got potential.
Potential? Potential is someone
who's on their way.
She's arrived.
- Mr. Myer-
- Please, call me Robert.
Let's go have a little chat.
Ladies, what
can I do for you?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
Robert, I need you to say to me in plain English
exactly what you're saying...
before I jump up and down
and make a total fool of myself.
Have a seat.
In plain English,
what I'm saying is...
your fashion sense
is simply... amazing.
If you allow me to test-market
your designs and they do well...
I will see to it
by this time next year...
your line is in every major
department store in the nation.
Miss Biltmore.
Miss Biltmore?
You can jump up and down
and make a total fool of yourself now.
Oh! Oh, Stacey!
Baby, y'all should
have seen Dick's face.
Yes, he was dick-faced.
- Dickface was dick-faced.
What is the name
of your line gonna be?
Thick Madame.
- To the thick Madames!
- To the thick Madames!
To the thick Madames!
To the thick Madames!
To the thick Madames!
Go, Stace! Go, Stace!
This is fabulous!
Miss Biltmore, Robert Myer.
It's this time next year.
I'm launching you nationally.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my-Thank you.
Thank you so much! Oh!
Thank you, and no, I am not a thick Madame.
Thick, no.
Madame, ooh, maybe.
And now for the moment
you've all been waitin' for.
Help me welcome all
the fabulous thick Madames!
They came, they saw,
they even sashayed.
That's right!
Go, Thick Madame!
Aren't they beautiful?
Aren't they opulent?
Aren't they lovely?
Absorb them. Love them. Take them in.
Who are they?
They are the uptown models.
They are the girls that fly!
Love you, Thick Madame!
They are here to work it.
This is the fashion line
for the uptown hot mama.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this ain't no "Lame" Bryant.
Fashion that will
blow you away.
Go Stacey! Yes!
Thank you. Thank you, ladies!
Help me welcome the legendary,
the one, the only...
the queen and my girl,
Miss Jazmin Biltmore.
Thank you.
Thank you all so much.
Ooh, I just want to say that this night
is not just a celebration for me...
but for all the full-figured
women of the world-
black, white,
Asian, Latina.
It's a new day.
From this day forward...
plus-sized women of America
will have a fashion line...
that we, too,
can be proud of.
And to all the people who think
we got a weight problem...
no, baby, we ain't
got a weight problem.
You just got a problem
with our weight.
We've been called fat, chunky,
chubby, porky, piggy...
every name you can think of.
They even took the name "phat."
But we're gonna take it back.
Because "P-H-A-T"
means "pretty, hot and thick."
Big women in the house,
we are the bellies of the ball.
So stand the hell up
and take a bow.
Let's make
Thick Madame wonderful.
Let's make history.
I love you all.
Thank you so much
for making my dream come true.
Thick Madame! Thick Madame!
Thick Madame! Thick Madame!
It will happen for you
when you least expect it...
and on that day, you will
remember Dr. Tunde and smile.
Thank you, Tunde.
Well, Jaz...
it took lots of
sweat and tears...
but you finally
got your dream.
I got it.
So, are we goin' to the club
to celebrate, or what?
This celebrating queen is not gonna
hang out with y'all right now.
I am just tired. I'm exhausted.
I need to get some rest.
Aw, come on. You can't be a party pooper
on the biggest night of your life.
Y'all go ahead. Y'all go ahead.
I'm okay.
Go have a good time. Really.
All right.
If you insist.
All right.
Y'all can't sneak up
on a fashion designer.
Sorry, but I know you didn't think
we could go party without you.
Child, come on. If you don't want to go
to a club, we can go eat or something.
No, I don't have
too much of an appetite. Y'all go on.
Now, that's a... first.
Jaz, we gotta
go somewhere.
How far are y'all
willing to travel?
I guess I use
this big thing to knock?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- My breath okay?
- Mm-mm.
Well, you ain't gotta
make that face. Damn.
Okay. Okay, here.
- Okay. You think he gonna like my hair?
- Fierce, baby.
- Um-
- Yes?
Hi. Are-Are you
Dr. Tunde's wife?
Yes. Yes. Dr. Tunde.
Dr. Tunde baby.
Okay, I don't mean to disrespect
you or your household, ma'am...
but, um, I'm an old friend
of Tunde's...
and I traveled here
all the way from America...
and, um, I just wanted to know
if I could say hi.
Would that be okay?
Damn. Hmm. Well, I guess
I won't be needing this.
Y'all go wait in the cab.
I, uh, want to get rejected in private.
- You sure? All right.
- Yeah. All right.
- Jazmin?
- Tunde.
- Am I dreaming?
- No, you're not dreaming.
Um, I'm really here.
And I'm sorry to show up
at your home unannounced...
but I didn't think you would
take my call, so I just-
I took a chance,
and I thought I'd come by to-
to see if you can look
at this broken fingernail.
So you flew 8,000 miles to ask me
to look at a broken fingernail?
Yeah, because, I mean,
it could get infected.
And a girlfriend of mine, she had
to get her whole hand amputated.
Well, maybe that's not
the only reason I came.
Truth is, Tunde, um,
I flew all this way to- to say I'm sorry.
And I know it's too late
to win you back...
but I hope you can find it
in your heart to forgive me.
And I just want you to know
if, uh-
if you ever regret meeting me,
I don't regret meeting you...
because it changed my life.
And, Tunde, you helped me see things
that no other man was able to.
You were offering me so much,
but I didn't love myself...
and I couldn't understand
why in the hell you wanted me...
so I couldn't love you.
But thanks to you, Tunde,
I'm- I'm a different person.
And I hope one day I will-
I will find another man
as wonderful as you.
That's all I came to say.
Jazmin, thank you.
And tell your wife I am so sorry
for barging in on y'all like that.
I mean, I may be a lot of things,
but I'm no home wrecker.
My wife?
The last time I checked,
I was still a single man.
The woman that answered
the door ain't your wife?
Heavens no. She's one
of the housekeepers.
- And her baby?
- I delivered the baby...
but had nothing to do
with the conception.
- But she said-
- Well, I doubt she said much of anything.
She doesn't even
speak English.
Hey, y'all,
it was a false alarm!
He ain't married!
She was the maid! Okay.
So- So, why ain't no woman
snatched you up yet?
I was waiting on you,
I never stopped
thinking about you.
I prayed that one day
we would meet again...
and you will accept how beautiful
you are and let me love you.
Well, looks like my prayers
have been answered.
Jazmin, if you will have me-
Have you?
Tunde, will you have me?
Oh, whoa, whoa. whoa!
Consummate! Consummate!
Y'all get our stuff.
We stayin' awhile.
She needs some
sexual healing, Tunde!
I think I can
arrange that.
Let us pray.
Thank you, Precious Lord,
for this food...
and for our
visitors here.
Thank you, Jesus Christi...
for bringing our American
children safely to their homeland in Africa.
Bless us all.
Ashe, ashe, ashe.
- Ashe.
- Please help yourselves.
- Ashe.
- Please help yourselves.
More food is coming.
- This is pretty good.
- Child, are you all right?
- Mm-hmm, I'm good.
- I've never seen you eat
this much food in your life.
I'm trying to gain me some weight
so I can be a thick Madame too...
so I can get me a rich
Nigerian doctor.
so I can get me a rich
Nigerian doctor.
Pass me some of that fufu he feedin' you.
Can I have some? Are you gonna eat that?
I am. I need it.
Wait. Wait.
- What is it?
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I have been waiting
far too long...
for this moment for us
to do it in the dark.
I want to see
every... sexy...
bit of you.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- But what about them?
- Who?
Oh. Them.
for all of you freaky-deaky,
nasty-minded voyeurs out there-
It's voyeur.
It's French.
Okay, them too.
Y'all too.
For all of y'all out there wanting to see
Jaz finally get her groove on-
well, this is PG-13.
So if you wanna see
some more freaky deaky...
go home and be
with the one you love.
go home and be
with the one you love.