Philophobia: Or The Fear of The Falling In Love (2019) Movie Script

Oh, you know what?
I actually have to go
'cause my friend Tammy's
going to be really mad.
But, you have my number.
- [DAMIEN] Yeah, it's Da...
- Danielle.
[DAMIEN] Danielle, right.
Yeah, maybe next time,
you can buy the drinks.
Oh, we'll see.
- It was good to meet you.
- [DAMIEN] Yeah, you too.
Who the hell was that? And when
did you start talking?
'Cause I was sitting right next
to you and then, pfft,
you were gone.
-I'm sneaky.
-[TAMMY] You all were
engaged, honey,
just jabbering on and on,
couldn't get a word in edgewise.
- You? Never.
- He seemed nice. Well, charming.
But then again,
charming can be deceiving
so, but maybe you know better,
'cause you were so
engaged with him.
Was he? You all going to date?
[SCOFFING] I don't know.
I don't know,
he just seemed like a
typical LA guy, you know?
And besides, I don't know
if I'm ready for anything
at the moment.
[TAMMY] Yeah, I feel
you on that.
I mean, you did just
get out of something.
Although, that was like
six months ago, so.
- Oh, you're counting?
- I mean, now that I say it out
loud, maybe it's time you
get out there and explore?
- [SCOFFING] Okay.
- But then, again, I mean,
being on your own can
just be so liberating.
- Yes, it can be.
- You know, ya feel me?
I do feel you.
So we're splitting this Uber?
Oh, no, actually,
I'm staying at my friend
Julia's around the corner,
'cause Ubers add up.
Oh, yeah. You did say that,
okay, well, good to see you,
great to see you.
Ooh, it was so good seeing you.
[TAMMY] See you soon.
Yes, I had so much fun.
I did, too. Get home safe.
Text me when you get home.
[TAMMY] I will.
Get kicks when we take part
We go outside of the desert
[DAMIEN] Whoa!
- [DAMIEN] Dani, Danielle,
you forgot your purse.
Oh my God, I am so sorry.
[DAMIEN] Yeah.
Thank you.
[DAMIEN] Yeah, you punched
me in the fucking heart.
Really good on all
levels, actually...
You know?
Like, the first time we had real
talk we quickly communicated...
- and it was amazing!
- Oh yeah, I'm so sorry
about New Year's
that was so annoying.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
- Yeah, but it was annoying.
Stop, I just said we
killed it communicating.
All right.
And clearly we can be dorks
around each other, so.
[DAMIEN] I don't know
what you're talking about.
Plus we have this thing where
it's like you can instantly
- tell when I'm feeling off.
- Tell when you're off.
- Stop.
- Stop.
- Stop it, you dork!
- Stop it, you dork, ooh!
God, you know what?
Just forget it.
Forget it, forget it.
I'm kidding.
But see?
Well, to be fair the only
reason why I could do that
was because you brought
that up a couple times.
- [GROANING] That's so gross.
- No, it's not gross.
- I know it is. You hate it.
- No, it's not.
I don't hate it, it's sweet.
[DANIELLE] Mm-hmm.
It's sweet.
Okay, well, in that case.
No, no ruhros.
My mom's coming into
town this weekend
and I told her about that
breakfast place around
the corner.
Breakfast nook, what do...
what is a nook?
They were always using that,
what is that?
So, we're going to,
we're going to that place
at like 10 on Sunday morning...
For breakfast.
And I figured since
it's right there
that maybe you could
come meet us?
Nope, see?
You were right not to use it.
'Cause it just seems like
an adjacent small room
from a larger room.
Damien, can you meet up with us?
I got to take Alan
to the airport.
Okay, well, you said
his flight was at nine,
so you have to drop him
off by eight at least, so...
Wow, we got an elephant
over here.
Memory-wise, obviously.
Oh my, come on!
Can you see how I feel
that morning?
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to
- push it.
- No, no, no.
I just wanted the two
people I love to meet.
You know?
I love you.
Cough, cough.
Look Damien, I didn't expect
this, and at this point
I really feel like
something needs to be done
because I am starting
to feel nice,
I get excited to see you, and...
And I get that little
jolt in my stomach
whenever you text me.
And it feels like
high school again.
And I wasn't expecting to
feel like high school again.
How long have we been dating?
- Seven months.
- Three months.
- Seven months.
- Seven months, great.
Put your fucking hand down.
Look, you're... you're great,
and we are great.
Like the fucking connection,
the fucking communication,
the fucking, it's all great.
Dani, come on. Please, wait.
Just forget it,
I deserve better!
I deserve somebody who wants
me as much as I want them,
and you can't even
kiss me in public!
And you know what?
It does not have to be
some whole big thing,
it is just a brunch.
And you know what?
I don't even have to introduce
you as my boyfriend, okay,
because God forbid, right?
Oh, my God.
I'm done.
I am... done with not knowing
where I stand with you.
So, you know what?
Here's your stupid
fucking spare key.
- Please don't. Please.
- Just forget it!
Just forget it.
you should hear it,
and you should let it sink in.
I am not a coward,
and I'm not too much of a child
to deal with my own emotions.
So at least I'm owning it.
I love you, Damien.
I love you and I feel
like such an idiot.
So you know what?
I just hope you know
this is the last memory
that you have of me, goodbye.
Hey, hey, you okay?
[TRAVIS] Drank a lot,
no, I just want my bed.
[DAMIEN] Okay.
I was about to call the police.
All right, Johnny, I got it,
I got it.
I was about to fucking
call the police on you.
[DAMIEN] All right, all right,
get some rest.
- Can we please go?
- Fashion police.
- No argyle after Labor Day.
- Okay, okay.
[DRIVER] You been
together for a little bit?
Try two years, happily married.
is that surprising?
[DRIVER] It just seems like
you guys, you start now.
Near the beginning,
the honeymoon phase.
Yeah, you know what?
That's because he actually
told me about his obsession
with human flesh on our
one year anniversary.
So you know at that point
I was kind of had to
accept it, unfortunately.
Yeah, I just can't get
enough of it, driver.
Stop, stop.
- I hate you.
- I know.
Oh, yeah, it's just
right up here.
[DRIVER] Great.
It's nice to see two married
people in LA that still
look happy.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
I made it.
Jesus, did you get
any sleep at all?
Ah, welcome to Hollywood.
Thanks, buddy.
Sorry I didn't pick you up.
Oh, that's okay.
Yeah, how was the Uber?
Oh, really good actually,
real friendly guy,
who talk about
chandeliers, turn out he...
Dani broke up with me.
Yeah, then she just stormed out.
Wow, well, it's strange.
Yeah, it's so strange,
so strange, right?
I was going to say it's
strange because...
Yeah, it's strange, like
what is this, an ultimatum?
So strange, you're not alone
with the thinking
that it's strange.
No, what I was going to say
is that in the entire time
you've been out here
I don't think
you've dated anyone for
more than two months, so.
Now that's true.
Yeah, I just figured
you were like making up
for lost time, or something.
Are you going to eat?
Oh no, I'm not hungry.
So, what do you want to do?
I figured we'd hit some
of the Hollywood staples,
you know, Grauman's Chinese
Theatre, Santa Monica Pier.
- Yeah, we can do that.
- Staples Center.
Maybe tonight we just
stay in and chill,
watch a movie or something?
Yeah, sure, yeah, you must
be going through some stuff.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm,
no, it's just,
maybe we could catch up,
you know, I'm fine.
He's just a fool
[ALAN] All right,
shall we go out?
Yeah, we could, we could.
I'm a little terrified to
drink right now, but yeah.
Or we can just get dinner.
Maybe we can watch
another movie?
[MAN] You're screwing
Willy Walden, aren't you?
- Aren't you?
That's just like how
our breakup is.
[MAN] And I'm moving
out of here!
See, that's it.
You know? Like...
Naked and at his
most vulnerable.
Yet, she accepts him.
Yeah, that's what we
want right there.
I mean, Sara was cheating
on him before,
so it's like different
circumstances, but.
Yeah, right, exactly.
I guess I know what you mean.
You get it, you get it.
Queen that you are
All right, well what
do you want to do now?
I don't know, man,
I'm kind of wiped.
I think I'm going
to hit the hay.
But, I really want to see
some stuff tomorrow, please.
Sure, sure. Um...
Oh, if you wake up
before me I have a...
Sure and then
Tonight I have
I have a spare key,
there's a coffee shop
two blocks from here.
What are you doing?
I have a spare bedroom just
down the hall here.
I feel good, man,
I feel optimistic.
Great, man.
Hope you get some rest.
You too.
Cool, good night.
Good night.
I just figured 'cause
there's... there's no bouncer.
Nope, nope.
What can I get for you?
I think I'm going to try
one of those amber ales,
the Famous Amber Ale
you got over there.
Papa was a wrong of
mine until I stand alone
- Ooh.
- That'll be seven, please.
Okay, great.
- You can keep it open.
- What?
I just said you can go
ahead and keep that open.
Hey, you should go
ahead and drink up
because there's a painting
in the bathroom
with boobies on it.
Oh, all right.
Tonight you rocked me
This amber ale's amazing.
Tonight you rocked me
Out of my mind
Girl, you know it
Tonight you rocked me
Out of my mind, girl
Tonight you rocked me
Out of my mind
[MAN] So, this is like
a school night or something?
[WOMAN] Why do you
continue to talk?
Yeah, we got some
And we can sing
And I've got music
Exploding in me
This man tells me to
Bring some music
[JEFF] I wasn't shooting
myself because of you.
[JEFF] The pantomime, I wasn't
shooting myself in the head
because you looked up at me.
I was pretending to be you while
that other guy was
talking to you.
So, you live around here?
I'm not going to tell
you where I live.
[JEFF] Let me rephrase,
do you frequent this
[CAROL] Sure.
[JEFF] So?
Carol, I'm Jeff.
So what's the deal
with all the...
Can I get a whiskey over here?
What is up, dame?
Wait, what did you just call me?
Da man.
Oh, okay, for a second
there I thought
you actually said
my actual name,
like you memorized the
license or something.
Da man yeah, da man,
yeah, that's funny.
Actually, I thought
you were a girl when
you're asking for
a drink so I said, dame,
if I'm being honest.
Oh, okay, I think I liked
the other version better,
but nonetheless,
what's your name?
I'm sorry, The, The,
what's the last name?
Oh, all right.
Well, I guess there's
not a lot of wiggle room
in career paths, huh?
What can I get you?
I'm going to have a whiskey,
hold the rocks,
double style.
So, double whiskey neat.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Come home and meet you
Speak to me in my...
Thank you, the tab's Booster.
Yeah, it don't mean
It's time
Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry.
- Here.
No, no, you're fine.
Well, well, Prince Charming, eh?
- Aw.
- I want one.
[DAMIEN] You guys need to
be quiet 'cause my guest
is sleeping.
Oh, we'll be quiet.
This place is nice.
Yeah, it's all right.
No, I like it! Right, Becca?
Yeah, I mean, it's really...
This whiskey is amazing.
It's so smooth.
[DAMIEN] I mean, it's
all right, I guess.
It so smooth, right, Becca?
I mean, I haven't tried it.
It's so smooth.
None of that dragon throat
shit for us, guy.
- Dragon what now?
Fuck yeah, this guy.
Not for this guy, I mean.
- What the fuck bullshit
are you saying?
- I'm not.
You know, you really chased us,
didn't you?
Chased is a bit...
Yeah, you stalked us up.
I mean the shoe fell off.
I'm fucking with you dude,
we like you.
Right, Becca?
Yeah, I mean...
I mean, we were like flirting
from a distance
for like awhile.
Right, well, that's
what I was saying.
Right, that's what I was saying.
Man, you are, you're funny,
you know that?
- I mean...
- You are.
You know that, right?
Do you want a bump?
No, I'm okay.
Oh God, look at this place,
it's so swanky.
For a two bedroom, Jesus.
[DAMIEN] I mean,
it's an apartment.
You know, you like
saying that a lot.
- [DAMIEN] What?
- I mean.
- [DAMIEN] I do?
- Yeah, are you?
- Am I?
- Mean.
- Wait, what?
- It's not a hard question.
Oh, oh God, oh, oh, oh God,
do you have a bathroom?
Yeah, right down the
hallway to the right.
- [NANCY] Can I use it?
- Yep.
You are so gullible.
Oh, God.
Man, I love this hallway.
It's so smooth!
Your place is nice.
I mean, maybe not as smooth
as she says it is, but...
Yeah, like I said,
it's an apartment.
That bar is cool,
first time I'd been.
This is a fine place
Yeah, at that bar?
You know I came up
with the shoe idea,
shoe doesn't just fall off.
I was just thinking out loud
Yeah, Prince Charming,
you know I always loved
that movie.
And I mean,
you did pick up my shoe, so.
Then it works.
You know, she's crazy.
She's out for the fun of it all.
[DAMIEN] It seems that way.
But I was the one who saw
you and pointed you out.
I thought you were so
charismatic and confident.
Told her, let's take
him back to our place
and let him line us up naked.
What's this shit
you're listening to?
Oh no, no, no.
15 holes and a 12 pack
Actually, Becca.
Come here. Come here!
At the same time services
Start for the third time
While I was grasping
Don't come this is
What you need
Don't come again
For the best I'll
give you the rest
You can dream
I like the brink
Stay out the link
Still, junior's got
Nothing on me
And I'm hauling docks
The old man's going
to help me out
And I'm born again
Got to a cooler in the back
This is John Day and
I've got nine lives
And I'm ripping ripping
And hitting long drives
I was a cracker
Back in the day
Played so many ways
I played 36 up to New York
Backed up to me and
The great white shark
Been playing for money
Since I was three
I'm entitled to play
Golf Channel's on
Feherty's talking about
Steve Daly, Dustin Johnson
All right, you ready,
charming prince?
Were you guys both
in the bathroom?
Did you miss us?
What the fuck was that?
It was the neighbor, were you
guys both in the bathroom?
Fuck off, dude, we're trying
to have a threesome here!
[NANCY] You coming, Nancy boy?
[BECCA] Come on.
[NANCY] Nancy boy.
Oh shit, that's my name.
What the fuck?
I never thought of that.
Come on.
Can't name the president
of Xanax, Codeine
Effexor, and Vicodin,
Come on!
[BECCA] Join in.
The crazy ones are
Investing in
I'm going to sit down
for a minute.
Well, well, well, you realize
winter isn't over, right?
I'm surprised you're
not still hibernating.
All right, it's good
to see you, man.
Good to see you, player.
Now, this place isn't
the swankiest but,
the girls here are fire.
After you, bud.
Oh my gosh, you were so right,
going out tonight was going to
be a total crap shoot.
- A shit show.
- Staying in was weird,
not going to lie,
but I loved it.
It was quaint, and desolate.
- But we're going out next year.
- All right.
But you know pizza, ice cream,
and champagne with my girl
was just so, you know,
mm, it was just so...
Deca... ooh, whoa.
Have you seen Jennifer's IG?
- No, why?
- She's like sucking face with
twins, twins, Dani.
- They're like models.
- Oh, my God, he's cute.
- That's gross.
- They're cute.
But also kind of hot.
I don't know, like why would
a brother and a brother, like...
- Seriously!
- Oh, my God!
Tammy, I love you.
OMG, I love you.
- Happy New Year's.
- Happy New Year, babe.
This is our year,
I feel it in my bones.
Not mine, 'cause
I'm chunking up that
white chocolate chunk
on-dairy and gluten-free carbs
in your bushes.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
It's that kind of year? Okay.
Yeah, it is that kind of year.
Are you okay?
Oh my gosh okay, go, go,
go, go, go, get home safe.
[TAMMY] I'll text you
when I get home.
Becca, Becca, Becca,
Becca, Becca, Becca!
Oh, thank God.
Oh, shit.
Little adorable Becca.
Little Becca.
Oh, fuck.
[BECCA] This is my best friend.
Hi, I'm Jennifer.
Oh, fuck!
[GREG] Damien.
Hey, Damien.
Hey, man, Bob's pretty pissed.
Aw, man, aw, what time is it?
I heard you scream.
Yeah, that was the knock,
it startled me a little bit.
Yeah, it was before I knocked.
Was it?
Yeah, oh, I stubbed my toe.
Were you sleep walking?
No, my buddy, he's crashing
here, and he got up
without his glasses,
he was all disoriented
going to the bathroom, so.
So your buddy stubbed
his toe then?
No, no, sorry, he got up
without glasses, disoriented,
going to the bathroom and
then I walked in a big hole.
It's none of my business,
all right?
- Whole thing.
- I just...
Bob's pretty pissed about
the noise, okay?
Well, Bob can suck a dick.
Come on, just be mindful.
- Yes.
- I don't want my buddy's
one and only trip to Hollywood
to be fucking ruined
because Bob is being a baby.
You know what's weird, Greg?
Is I have met every single
person in this complex,
I have yet to see
my neighbor, Bob.
What is that all about?
- Who the hell is Bob?
- Bob's your neighbor,
I don't know what else to say.
Oh right, well, I think
you're missing my point, but...
I just want you to keep it down
so Bob doesn't call the cops,
and I don't have to come
bang on your door at three
in the morning, okay?
- That's fair, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
[MAN] Bullshit!
[DAMIEN] Oh, man.
- [GREG] Hey, listen, man.
- It's late, so we were just...
It's none of my business or
anything, but I kind
of heard and saw Dani like
storm off last night.
Yeah, and I want you to know
I'm sorry, all right?
I'm your friend if you
need anyone to talk to.
I don't want to see you
drowning your sorrows
in meaningless hookups, or
whatever you're doing in there.
No, no, I'm... no.
Yes, okay.
Before you start talking
with this next time
you can talk to me with this.
Thanks, Greg, appreciate it,
I'm okay, I'm good.
- Okay, I'm here,
I'm your friend.
- I'm going to get some rest.
Thank you, thank you,
appreciate that.
- Goodnight.
- I'm going to go right
to bed, you should too.
- Hey.
- Hey, Damien?
Yeah, yeah, I mean
yeah, I called you.
I found this girl on
the sidewalk passed out
and I've been drinking.
So, I was thinking I
would give you 40 bucks
and she has her keys and you
just put her in her room.
What are we supposed
to do you know,
like leave her on the sidewalk?
No, I don't...
Come on.
- [SIGHING] All right.
- [DAMIEN] All right. Okay.
Okay, you have my info, right?
Text me when it's all done.
Watch out, that's, random girl.
There you go.
Okay, awesome.
You know, we're doing a
good thing here, right?
And will I love
[ALAN] Morning buddy,
slept like a rock. I'm going
to get us some coffees and we'll
see some Hollywood bullshit?
Cut your losses and
Give up the ghost
I'll take the city
You keep the coast
And in the end I'll satisfy
Without all that I left
Between the lines
In the end
You won't need me anymore
In the end
You won't need me anymore
Like, posting left and right.
I really wouldn't
read into that.
[SIGHING] She's all happy
out and about doing things.
Dude, you of all people should
know that what you post online
isn't always what reality is.
You of all people should know
what you post online isn't...
Buddy, you are number 58
on the podcast charts,
that's awesome.
Maybe you should go to
brunch, just show up,
show that you care,
all will be fine.
Ever feel like you're like...
just going to wake up one day
alone, old, thinking like...
I was just at prom with Carol.
No, because Carol and I
didn't go to the prom.
I think there's something
seriously wrong with me.
Like, I'm seeing things,
or maybe they're real, I don't
know, I don't know, I just...
I feel like my past is
going to catch up to me
and it's going to
kill me, literally.
Like I'm going to
wake up a corpse.
Wake up a corpse?
Buddy, those things cancel
each other out.
You of all people should
resonate with that.
Well, how is that?
Living in Otero County.
Buddy, I like Otero County.
That's it.
[ALAN] What's it?
I'm going to record you
on the podcast.
No, I don't think that's
a good idea.
Yes, yes, it's
a great idea, buddy.
I was a student
I was strange, I'd be inside
All right.
We're all set up here.
- Don't be nervous.
- No, no, just a little
strange being here.
Yeah, you'll be fine, you've
listened to my show before?
Of course, yeah.
Just be real, you know?
- Authentic.
- All right, I get that,
- I just...
- That's all.
Thank you for tuning in,
we are Reality TV,
I am your hose Damien Booster,
we are reality talking voices,
real people, real thoughts,
no bullshit.
Today we have a special guest
all the way from
my hometown, Otero County,
New Mexico.
He happens to be the manager
of The Heart of the
Desert Pistachio Ranch.
- What's that all about?
- Well, we have a selection of
homegrown pistachios
and fine wines, we also
- have award winning cheeses.
Did we stop?
What, what happened?
Did I do something wrong?
No, no, no, you're
good, it's just...
It's not like raw or
gritty, so I'm just.
Okay I got it, what is
the craziest customer
you've ever dealt with
at the ranch?
Okay, yeah, this one guy,
he got really drunk,
he had a whole bottle
of wine on the patio,
and then he started drunkenly
tossing the pistachio shells
on the counter by
the cash register.
And Natalie's like
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
the shit is that?
No good?
A guy starts throwing pistachio
shells on the counter,
that's terrible.
Well you didn't let me finish.
It became this whole scene,
- the place was packed.
- No,
- that's awful.
- A fight it's broke out.
That's awful, but...
What's the craziest thing you
and your lady do in the bedroom?
I'm not answering that.
Are you afraid of getting real?
No, I'm not, I just...
Gah, come on dude, we had
something good going there.
- I don't love that.
- Why?
Because it's way too personal.
But that's what this show is,
it's all about being personal.
Yes, and I get that,
I love that,
we listen to you all the time.
- I appreciate that.
- But that means
she listens to it too, capisci?
I appreciate that,
I just, you know,
it's all about being real,
raw, no bullshit.
I don't want to talk
about my sex life on here.
Oh, okay, well, shoot,
I'm sorry, man,
is everything okay there?
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, it's me, seriously.
I don't know, it's just
sometimes I feel like
we're hitting a rough patch.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I don't know, it's
ever since she got promoted.
We've both been so busy
that things have kind of
slowed down in certain areas.
Okay, hmm.
All right so, do you
think like, would you say
that you resent Natalie's
Okay, I wouldn't say
I resent that.
You just hit record, didn't you?
You pointed at me.
- No, no.
- Okay, but every time you done
that little half point
you've hit record.
No, no, I was like hey,
tell me what's up man,
like no bullshit.
You know like, without
hitting record.
- Well, don't.
- You are, dude!
Oh, man!
- What the F?
- We had something going there.
Okay, but I don't want to
talk about that, just stop.
Because I don't want to,
it's just...
Okay, okay, I'm not mad,
okay, first show jitters,
it's fine, we'll just
talk about something else.
Yeah, anything else, anything
else besides my sex life.
Cool, cool. Oh, okay.
So how's the relationship
these days, is a...
Do you have any resentments
that could bleed elsewhere?
Actually everything's great,
I've never been happier.
Yeah, that's kind of the reason
for this whole trip.
What do you mean?
It's my last hurrah.
How's that?
I'm going to ask her
to marry me.
Oh shit, dude, you can't
air that either, fuck.
Wait, are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious,
I've been together with her
for a long time, I mean,
I love her, it's the next step.
Wow, but,
you were the king of Alamo,
I mean you're varsity soccer.
Dude, it's Alamo, you
can only be the king
for like three years,
and then you get a reputation.
And not a good one at that.
I just...
I didn't know.
You were the last...
The last what?
The Last of the Mohicans?
Forget it.
- You want to go out?
- You're not going
to air this, promise me.
No, I'm not going to
air this, okay?
Do you want to go out tonight?
Yes, I want to go out,
but I thought
you're not drinking.
Well, I mean I might
take a backseat to that,
but doesn't mean you
have to, you know?
Um, all right, I'll just
get cleaned up, cool?
Cool with me.
I'm late.
You okay?
- [DAMIEN] What?
- Are you okay?
What, why?
Dude, were you electrocuted?
- What?
- You just came out of
the bathroom freaked,
I thought you were electrocuted.
- Was it a spider?
- Huh? No, what?
Then why'd you scream then?
Why did you scream then?
I... ran out of deodorant.
Well, that's an odd reaction.
Dude, you can just
bum some off of me.
No, no, no, it's okay.
I have some in the closet,
I have some in the closet,
thank you though.
You ready?
I kind of want to wash up too.
And besides,
it's not even dark out yet.
Believe it or not,
it's hot dogs and pizza.
You sure you're not hungry?
Because I've been stuffing my
face all night, I haven't
- seen you eat anything.
- Nah, I'm good,
why don't you grab a table
and I'll get the first round?
Hey, you!
Hey, Dayman.
Somebody's been serving
underage girls here
and I don't think that's a good,
do you, The?
- Well, do you The?
- I don't know what you're
talking about,
I don't serve underage girls.
Hold your breath 'til
You see me again
How you doing there?
What can I get ya, pal?
I was just talking to The.
The Bartender.
I am the bartender, yeah,
they call me The Captain.
What'll it be?
And I stay out of
The drama but...
Okay, I'll have
a water and a pinot.
Water and a pinot
coming right up.
And it takes a good woman
Here you go.
Cool, thanks.
Yeah, keep it open, please.
Thanks, mate.
And I don't want you
To be calling 5-0-1
Excuse me.
Is there a problem?
Somebody's been serving...
Under age?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's Tasha, the waitress.
Yeah, manager's on her ass
about it though,
so something will be
cracking pretty soon.
Thanks for looking
out though, champ.
You need anything else,
let me know.
Thank you.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just the same shit.
Yeah... You seem a little jumpy.
Get yours
Yeah, I mean, have you
noticed anything weird
about my apartment?
There was some strange noises,
the light was flickering.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God, this pinot
is interesting.
The pinot on my ranch
has this rich underbelly.
- It's so good.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Oh shit.
- [ALAN] What?
- It's them.
- Them, who?
My neighbors.
[ALAN] Oh, sweet.
No, it will be very unsweet.
- Hey.
- This is the guys.
- [GREG] Oh, hoo hoo hoo.
- [TRAVIS] Scoot over guy. Hey.
I realize that I shouldn't
come out now.
- Hilarious.
- How'd you get this guy
to come out?
Jenny Swanson.
- Jenny Swanson?
- She's the girl at my office
that's like banged all
the guys in my office.
- And that's why Greg came out?
- The fuck are you talking about?
- No, I like this girl at my gym.
- How would Greg know
Jenny Swanson?
- Wake up, Damien.
- I don't know, you just,
you started talking about Jenny
Swanson, so I was just like...
There's a girl at my gym
that I like.
He likes this girl
at the gym that
has banged all the other
guys but won't give him
- the time of day.
- We all know that for a fact.
Okay, so how does that
correlate to Jenny Swanson?
Jenny... [SIGHING]
Jenny Swanson is the
all subtending girl
that excludes you from a shot
at the opposite genes pool.
Keep up, fella.
You literally walked into the
middle of the conversation
just talking about
Jenny Swanson, so I have
- no reference of any...
-[GREG] Just do your best
to keep up.
Why do you do that?
You have this weird,
goofy, deer doe-eyed look.
Go get us some whiskeys, dude.
Four whiskeys,
I'll get the first round.
I'm sorry, are you lost,
are you looking for the party?
No, I'm Damien's friend,
I'm Alan.
This is my best friend
from high school man, it's Alan.
Oh, Travis.
Yeah, what's up?
We actually
hated each other first
but our girlfriends
were best friends.
This is true.
Forcing us to hang out
- and get to like each other.
- That's right.
Yeah, but then they
broke up with us.
Well actually,
she broke up with me,
and then you broke up
with Carol, right?
- Right.
- Right.
Yeah, I was going off to college
and had to get out.
Oh, are you guys done?
That was a riveting story, Alan,
I'm glad you're here.
So, why are you here,
are you going to move here?
I hope you're not.
Are you going to move here?
No, he's actually, he's out here
for one last hurrah.
Yeah, he's going
to propose to that girl.
- Yeah, the same girl.
- You guys got back together?
After eight years apart we've
now been together for three.
I've never been happier
in my whole life.
Oh my God, I am sorry,
man, you've got that
weird suburbia thing going on,
we're going to get you laid.
- You're joking.
- No, I'm not joking,
we need to get you laid.
[TRAVIS] Yeah, no, yeah, we are.
That was a cry for help,
I saw it.
Come on, look, you're
in the biggest city
of uncommitted
people, and you have
to get laid here.
It's a thing, you got to do it,
we're going to do it for ya.
So that's why I was convinced
to come out
to get my mind off the gym girl.
Why do you do that?
Did you think that
the conversation stopped
when you left and then
we just paused?
Alan here is going
to get married
to his high school sweetheart.
- Lovely.
- But before he does
he's going to have
a little rendezvous.
Is that a good idea?
[ALAN] It's terrible.
She's actually best friends with
Damien's ex-high school
What happened to your girl?
She ended up dating
some military guy.
But he's always off,
so I don't know, last I heard
it wasn't really working out,
she was over it.
Oh, no dude,
he's a desk pusher now.
They just got engaged.
I'm sorry, buddy, I was going to
bring it up earlier, but...
- No.
- We're here.
[TRAVIS] Yeah, we're just
a knock on the door away.
Guys, I'm... I'm fine.
It's not a big deal,
it's like forever ago.
You don't seem fine, but...
I, really, seriously,
it's whatever.
Did you know Damien when
he was a fat kid? [CHUCKLING]
He wasn't that fat.
Yes, he was, I saw pictures.
He was like Louie Anderson fat.
Living with Louie.
Hey, did you lose your glasses?
- You know what, man?
- [ALAN] What?
- I think you should.
- I should?
[DAMIEN] Have one last hurrah.
- Come on, you can't.
- Oh, come on.
Yeah, yeah, I think
he's speaking truth.
Yep, that's a guy with an idea.
No, no dude, I've had my fun,
I'm ready to settle down.
This is an even more reason
to have one last rendezvous.
- [TRAVIS] There you go.
- [DAMIEN] Greg and I are upset.
- I like the girl at my gym.
- Travis always wants
a one night stand, so come on,
let's all go in.
I like one night stands, I like
a lot of one night stands.
I'm always up for
a one night stand.
Oh, there's a hand in
the middle of the pot.
- What does that mean?
- The hand in the
middle of the pot
means that that's a pact.
If you put another hand
in the pot what happens?
It's pact time.
Oh, there's a third hand.
[GREG] I've got a small hand
so I'm going to do two hands.
He's going to do two hands,
put your hands in there.
-Don't break the pact,
don't break the pact.
-All right, fine,
I'll put my hand on the pact.
Okay, let me tell you something,
you've got long hands.
But that doesn't mean...
No, it does mean something.
Let me tell you something,
you don't know me!
- I'm just kidding. But I'm not.
- Okay.
- I'm really serious.
- All right, fine.
I'm going to the bathroom,
I'm glad we did this.
We're cool, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay.
- Yeah.
Do you think I like you?
Oh no no
Excuse me?
Ah, Jesus!
Sorry, you startled me.
Mind passing me one?
Oh, yeah, sure.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Do I know you?
Do you?
I mean, you look familiar,
but I can't place it.
Sometimes things are
hard to place.
Or be found for that matter.
Okay, have a good night.
Do you love her?
Excuse me?
Do you love her?
- Do I love...
- My daughter.
You know, we had some good
times, and had a few laughs.
Stop stuttering and answer me!
Is this what you want?
I think I want to leave.
Don't be bashful about it,
own it like a man!
Own it like a man?
That's right.
- Own what, exactly?
- You're asking me
for my daughter's hand
in marriage, aren't you?
Had we only met.
Have a good one.
The answer is yes.
I think you're mistaking
me for someone else.
Dani loves you,
and that's all that matters.
Welcome to the family, Damien.
You know a lot of guys think
that I just want a baby daddy,
which is so far from the truth.
I mean I really like my life,
doesn't mean
I don't want to have some
fun from time to time.
Who's this?
[ALAN] Oh, this is our buddy.
This is Damien.
Oh, someone's in Cabo.
I just mean
it's not a race, dude.
Race, Mexican, right?
normally he's very funny.
- [ALAN] He has his own show.
- Really?
Like a TV show?
So is this the male
equal to Ellen?
Equal parts whiskey
and terror, right?
Are you okay?
Dude, did you see a ghost?
[TRAVIS] Phantasma.
Shena, you were saying.
[SHENA] Was I?
You were saying that
even though you're a single mom
you still like the D.
Oh, whoa, okay,
I don't know if I was saying
exactly that.
Hey, we all have, you know,
animalistic urges.
It'd be unfair to put
a single mom
up on like a pedestal, right?
I mean you're a human being,
you're like
you deserve to have some,
you know, the...
The D!
Yeah, I do deserve the D,
you know, a big one too.
I just, I refuse to be seen
as this woe is me type woman
that needs a man to
take care of her.
- Totally.
- [SHENA] I don't need ya.
[CAROL] Yeah, it's 2018,
men are just sperm deposits
by this point.
[ALAN] Ouch.
Everything is just so easy now.
We have robots,
self-driving cars,
advancements in dildos.
- Yes, gross.
- [CAROL] They even have
the texture down, you know.
The whole hunter gatherer
sense is gone.
[SHENA] I have an announcement,
I have yet
to have a man give me an orgasm.
[CAROL] That's because
you don't use a dildo,
I have told you.
What about, what happened
to compassion and love?
- It's true, I do...
still like the feeling
of connecting, and the feeling
of weight on me, unfortunately.
I weigh 185.
You know, worse case
scenario, I guess I have to
raise my kid in this dystopian,
animatronic type future.
Oh you will thrive in a
dystopian, manimatronic future.
Is that so?
Absolutely, my mother raised me.
And my father couldn't
hold a candle to her.
Yeah, I think single parents
deserve a lot of respect.
Oh, were you a product of?
A lot of people think that,
but no,
my parents are still
happily married.
- [TRAVIS] Really?
- Yeah.
Are you a commitaphobe?
I would not use that term.
That means yes.
I just feel that everyone
should love themselves.
Well, you were raised in a
respectful, loving relationship
- so what are you trying...
- We're derailing from
the conversation.
Maybe your parents raised you
with this unrealistic
idea of romance?
I think people want
what they can't have
because it's safer and
that we're all responsible
for our own feelings,
nobody else's.
It's safer that way.
And it's just, you know,
it's just stress-free living
all the time.
I refuse to be psychoanalyzed.
All right, I got shots.
- Yes!
- Yay.
You should ID.
Oh please, that line is not
going to work on us honey.
No, no, seriously.
Just to let you guys know,
we're going to be closing
in about 10 minutes.
[ALAN] Thank you, Jen.
No one underage should be
admitted in this bar.
So drink up, have fun,
I'll see ya in 10.
Hey, hey, hey, did I hear shots?
This is my kind of group.
- May I join?
- [TRAVIS] Yeah.
[ALAN] Yes, you can
have this one.
[NANCY] Yeah.
[TRAVIS] Hey, you know what?
I think we should
take this party
back to Damien's house
for after hours.
[NANCY] Fuck, yeah!
- Let's do it.
- Yeah!
I'm his next door neighbor.
- Yes.
- No, no, no.
[ALAN] They're coming,
they're coming.
[DAMIEN] You left a naked,
under-age girl in my bed.
[NANCY] You didn't do
anything, did you?
- [DAMIEN] No.
- [NANCY] Then what's
the fucking issue?
You saw some tits,
we had some laughs,
stop being a baby.
[SCOFFING] You hooked up with an
under-age girl.
Yes, dammit.
We kissed, and then
we made fun of you
after you passed out,
we moved you into the hallway.
[DAMIEN] And her clothes
came off when?
[NANCY] Her clothes?
Fuck if I know.
When I left she was clothed.
Are you sure you didn't
remove her clothes?
Yes, positive.
Chill out, dude, I'm just
fucking with you,
I won't say anything.
There's nothing to say.
Look, I can invite her over
if you're so curious.
No, I just want to
make sure she's okay.
She's fine.
She just drank
a little too much.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
do you actually think
that you're coming in here?
'Cause you're not.
You're not, you psycho.
You need me.
Oh, and why is that?
Because I'll make
this fun while you
go sulk in a corner.
I don't...
- M-hm.
- I don't sulk, okay?
- I'm not going to.
- Yeah, you do.
- You don't know that.
- You do.
- You do.
- No.
Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, you see this
guy's apartment?
But I have a three
bedroom apartment.
So she coming inside?
Is that, it's okay?
She can come inside my place.
Yeah, yeah I think
that's a good idea.
-[LAUGHING] Yeah, it's
a good idea.
- You'll have fun.
You guys should definitely
do that.
All right, have fun, okay?
- I like that you share, bro.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
make sure he follows
the fucking pact, okay?
- Okay.
- Hey!
Make sure he follows the pact.
Okay, I'll do it,
I'm going to go talk
to him right now.
Okay, just make sure he does it
because it'd be good for him.
Oh, hey, Greg.
Dude, you should probably...
She called you a hobbit,
you're like a little
handsome white Smurf.
Okay, get some rest,
good night, guys.
Of course I would.
Yeah, he was drunk,
he had a whole bottle of wine.
He had an entire bag
of pistachio nuts
from our finest closet,
he starts flicking 'em...
on the counter.
So just flicking shells
just everywhere?
- Everywhere.
- Are you okay?
- What?
- Are you okay?
Yeah, of course,
why wouldn't I be?
- You seem a little on edge.
- Hey, where's the ice?
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Security gets the suite, eh?
- Oh, my God!
- Great.
Is he okay?
He's fine, he just had
a little bit too much to drink.
How are you guys
doing on drinks,
you need some more?
- Fine.
- Oh, I'm okay.
We just poured those.
- Great, I'll get some more.
- Whoa.
[ALAN] Dude, what's up?
What? I'm fine.
Really? Because you just dumped
our whiskeys out,
now you're
making us four new ones.
I think if you keep this up
you're going to turn into
a big, fat
Who do we have here?
Is it this important
child's birthday?
No, not yet.
Happy birthday, fatty.
You're okay.
You're okay.
You're okay.
You're a father.
Drives you crazy.
- Yeah.
- Well, man.
Hey, Damien.
Damien, is that you?
Hey, man,
Alan says that he's probably
not going to go through
with the pact.
I just feel super
weird about it.
But I told him that he should.
And I said that I shouldn't.
Yeah, and then
I said to him again,
"Yeah, you should."
So yeah, that's what's
happening out out here.
you look kind of weird.
Alan, you are going to
go through with it, okay?
Because we made a fucking pact,
and it's not a time
to be a little bitch,
it's time to man up, right?
I'm not going to hurt you,
I'm not going to hurt you, Alan.
But you will
fuck that girl.
Hey, Damien, why don't
you take it down a notch?
Don't tell me to take
it down, all right?
Go hump crazy.
And gentlemen...
we have a pact.
Are you sure?
I packed 'em.
Oh, yeah, you did.
See, told you.
A duh doi
You didn't tell me anything.
And that's actually not true,
'cause you were just
saying something.
I was?
Yeah, about the girl
from way back.
Oh, Carol, yeah.
Yeah, I guess she was the most
serious thing I was ever in.
Oh man, I love the way
we talk about relationships.
Like they're
a John Carpenter movie.
If we have any surprises
for each other.
I don't think we're in much
shape to do anything about it.
Best first date ever.
Hollywood Cemetery, check.
Aliens, check.
Body snatchers, check.
I would say to rephrase
something from moments ago,
duh doi.
Hey, I just want to say thank
you for putting up with my BS.
Well, I've been known to fling
some cow crap myself.
And like I tell our friends,
you and I are like
Mike Meyers and October 31st.
Seriously though, I know
I can be difficult,
and distant, you know,
But... you make me feel safe.
Should I be worried about you?
Dude, you went to get us drinks
and never came back
like 20 minutes ago.
Dude, I'm so sorry,
I'm a little out of it.
Look, I don't want to be
a dick, because I know
you're going through some shit.
But I'm pretty pissed off.
Look, this is my first
and possibly only visit
to Los Angeles, maybe ever,
and you don't want
to do anything!
And when you do, you're
either disgruntled,
or you fucking disappear,
or you dumped out
the whiskey shots.
Come on man, wake up,
I haven't seen you
since like three
Christmases ago.
I just want to have
fun with my old friend,
and you're breaking
my heart, dude.
You're right, you're right,
I'm sorry.
Damn right.
This is my LA trip.
- I wanted to be a prosecutor.
- God.
Oh, nothing, I'm just
going insane.
Sure, the moment I realized
my passion
would make you go insane.
No, no, no that's not
what I'm saying.
I'm just sorry, I...
Well, we could go walk
down that long hallway
or, if you are going insane,
then maybe we could be edgy
and just stay here.
Perhaps getting caught
would add a little...
Shit, I forgot about him.
Dude, what are you doing?
I was going to take the trash
out, it started to fill up.
No man, I've got my trash,
go sit down.
I'll be right back, I'm sorry.
Hey, you're doing really
good with him.
Just keep your confidence
level high and just...
Jesus Christ.
Late for kids.
Hello, kid?
Kid, is that you?
Kid, you back there?
We are gathered here today
to unite Damien Booster
and Danielle Scott.
Wel... welc...
Welcome to the family.
You have my blessing, son.
[DAMIEN] Oh shit.
Danielle, repeat after me.
With this ring.
With this ring I thee wed,
Damien Booster.
[DAMIEN] I don't see you!
Do you, Damien Booster
take Danielle Scott?
And, Danielle Scott,
do you take Damien Booster?
I do.
I'm sorry I'm
such a fuck up, okay?
I love you, I love you,
you have to know this,
you must know this, I love you!
I know.
Whoa, what's wrong?
Damien, you okay?
Hey, man, where's the trash?
- [DAMIEN] Fuck this.
- [CAROL] Wait, what?
Hey, whoa, Damien.
- Excuse me!
- I don't think
that's such a good idea.
- I just don't think
you should go in there.
- Excuse me, lady!
Oh, my God! Whoa, guys,
a little privacy, please.
Alan, I can't let
you do this, okay?
Everything I've said
is horse shit,
you deserve a real,
untainted love, man.
No, no, he's right,
I'm sorry, Shena.
You're an amazing girl
and I feel so lucky,
- but, I love my girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend?
I know, I know I should
have said something.
What the fuck?
[ALAN] I got carried...
Really, a fucking girlfriend?
Here I am fucking butt ass
naked in your bed
and you got
a fucking girlfriend?
I had a wonderful time with you.
Oh, stop.
[ALAN] Really!
Oh, fuck off!
- I'm sorry.
- [SHENA] Fuck you!
Thanks for nothing, asshole,
I can't believe I wasted
my night off with you.
I should have known
watching you in the bar
last night all mopey
and weird that tonight would be
just as shit-tastic.
She remembered me.
I'm so embarrassed,
you piece of shit.
Wait, wait, last night?
Yeah, you're buddy was
there last night
being just as lame and
pathetic as he was tonight.
[ALAN] Damien, what the fuck?
I'm sorry man, okay?
Like you passed out and
I couldn't go to sleep.
Dude, it's not just that,
it's everything.
The whole trip has just
been one big wash with you!
I know, I know, I know.
I fucked up, I fucked up,
I'm a fuck up.
Okay, I fucked up
Caroline's relationship.
I've self-sabotaged every
single relationship since.
And, you know, I guess I did
the same thing with you,
and I'm sorry dude,
I'm an asshole.
Yeah, you did, asshole.
Mainly to people I care about.
Mainly to people you care about.
And you don't deserve that.
I'm sorry, you're my best
friend, you've been
my best friend
my whole life, and
I love you, man, and I just...
Let's just save it.
I love you, man,
and I'm really happy
for you and Natalie,
like sincerely.
You kept me up all night, huh?
[ALAN] Hey, bud,
you didn't ruin my trip.
If anything, you made
it more interesting.
Thank you for showing me
just how much I love Natalie,
you da man, hope you will be
my best man come next spring.
Love you dude, Alan.
Snaps like a flag
In the wind
And I
Will never be forgiven
These my sins
And I'm sitting here
Guess that's
Natural selection
But I've had nights
With photograph protection
But I
Got a big bad love
But I
Got a big bad love
[DANIELLE] Damien?
Who is he?
Who was that guy?
Got a big bad love
Got nothing
Just words on withered pages
And I've known so long that
I forgot to make changes
And I've had nights
When sorrow's bled me dry
And I
I've been faced with
unsayable goodbyes
But I, I got a big bad love
I got a big bad love
And the soles of my shoes
Worn as thin as my faith
And I guess I should
Be heading home, honey
It seems it's getting late
Got to lay me down
Inside my bed, uh-huh huh
With these memories of you
I pray someday that
You could find
A way to love me too
'Cause I
I got a big bad love
'Cause I
I got a big bad love
'Cause I
I got a big bad love