Pickled (2022) Movie Script

[ CHEERING, WHISTLING,
AND APPLAUSE ]



-TONIGHT, THE PICKLEBALL
REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED
AS 16 OF THE WORLD'S
MOST POPULAR ENTERTAINERS:
JIMMIE ALLEN,
MURRAY BARTLETT,
DIERKS BENTLEY,
JAIME CAMIL,
WILL FERRELL,
MAX GREENFIELD,
LUIS GUZMAN,
PHIL KEOGHAN,
DANIEL DAE KIM,
SUGAR RAY LEONARD,
TIG NOTARO,
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL,
KELLY ROWLAND,
PAUL SCHEER,
AISHA TYLER,
AND EMMA WATSON
WILL GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE
AND PADDLE TO PADDLE.
STEPHEN COLBERAND "FUNNY OR DIE"
PRESENT "PICKLED," A PICKLEBALL
TOURNAMENT FOR COMIC RELIEF.
AND NOW YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
-HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERAND WELCOME TO "PICKLED."
WE'RE HERE
AT SHERWOOD COUNTRY CLUB
IN BEAUTIFUL
THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA,
A CITY WHERE
THEY COUNT THEIR TREES.
TODAY, WE HAVE
A FRONT ROW SEATO A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL
TOURNAMENT UNLIKE ANY OTHER.
MOSTLY BECAUSE
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY OTHERS.
WE'VE GOT STARS
OF THE SILVER SCREEN,
MUSIC, AND TELEVISION --
ICONS ALL.
BUT THEY'VE ALL PUT ASIDE
THEIR BUSY SCHEDULE
OF INSTAGRAM BEEFS AND GAINING
MUSCLE TO PORTRAY SUPERHEROES
TO PLAY PICKLEBALL TONIGHT.
THEY'RE PLAYING FOR PRIDE,
FOR HONOR,
AND FOR THE RIGHT TO HOISTHE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

NOW, SOME OF YOU
MAY BE THINKING,
STEVE, WHAT IS PICKLEBALL?
WELL, IMAGINE TENNIS
AND BADMINTON
WERE IN A LOVING,
COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP,
BUT IT HAD BEEN A FEW YEARS
AND THE SPARK WAS GONE.
SO THEY DECIDED TO INVITE
PING-PONG
INTO THE MIX ONE NIGHT.
IT WAS BADMINTON'S IDEA,
AND TENNIS WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY,
I JUST HOPE
THIS DOESN'T GET WEIRD."
BUT WEIRD GET IT DID.
AND NINE MONTHS LATER,
THEY HAD A BEAUTIFUL,
BOUNCING BABY SPORWITH A SMALLER COURT,
A WIFFLE BALL
AND WOODEN PADDLES.
TONIGHT, I'VE GOT A BIRD'S-EYE
VIEW OF THE ACTION
FROM MY LUXURIOUS PERGOLA.
BUT CLOSER TO THE ACTION
AND DEFINITELY FURTHER AWAY
FROM THE AIR CONDITIONING ARE
TODAY'S "PICKLED" COMMENTATORS,
LEGENDARY SPORTS ANALYSBILL RAFTERY
AND OUR VERY OWN CHAMPION,
CARI CHAMPION.
THEY'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU
THE PLAY BY PLAY OF
HOW WE'LL PLAY TODAY.
BILL, CARI?
-THANKS, STEVE.
FOR STARTERS,
THE PICKLEBALL COURIS SMALLER THAN A TENNIS COURT,
JUST 44 FEET BY 20 FEET.
EACH SIDE IS DIVIDED
INTO THREE ZONES,
TWO SERVICE COURTS AND AN ON
VOLLEY ZONE CALLED THE KITCHEN.
EACH POINT BEGINS
WITH AN UNDERHAND
SERVE TO THE OPPOSING CORNER,
WHICH MUST CLEAR THE NEAND THE KITCHEN.
-THEN BOTH TEAMS MUST LETHE BALL BOUNCE IN THEIR COURBEFORE RETURNING IFOR A VOLLEY.
BUT BE CAREFUL:
NO IN-THE-AIR VOLLEYS
CAN BE HIWHILE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN.
EACH TEAM MEMBER WILL SERVE
BEFORE THE SERVE MOVES ON
TO THE OTHER TEAM.
NOW, KEEP IN MIND, POINTS ARE
SCORED ONLY BY THE SERVING TEAM.
A POINT IS WON
BY EITHER HITTING A WINNER
OR THE OPPOSING TEAM
HITS THE NET,
A SHOT OUTSIDE THE LINE,
OR IF THE BALL BOUNCES TWICE.
THE TEAM WHO FIRST GETS TO
11 POINTS WINS THE GAME.
THINGS ARE GOING TO GET HEATED
AS WE WATCH WINNERS MOVE ON
AND LOSERS MOVE OUIN TODAY'S BRACKET STYLE
DOUBLES TOURNAMENT.
ALSO, EACH TEAM
WILL BE ALLOTTED ONE TIMEOUFOR WHATEVER THEY MAY NEED:
HYDRATION,
CALLS TO A PUBLICIST,
OR A CHANCE TO UNWIND
AND RECHARGE
WITH A REFRESHINGLY COLD
AND CRUNCHY CLAUSSEN PICKLE.
-A MOMENT THEY'LL SURELY WANTO RELISH. STEVE?
-NOW LET'S SAY HI
TO OUR SIDELINE REPORTER,
THE HARDEST WORKING MEMBER
OF OUR "PICKLED" CREW,
STRANDED OUT THERE ALL ALONE IN
THE BLAZING CALIFORNIA SUN,
MY DEAR FRIEND AND SoulCycle
EMERGENCY CONTACJOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.
WHAT'S HAPPENING
BEHIND THE SCENES,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS?
-OH, GOSH,
I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF THINGS.
EMMA WATSON IS GETTING
IN THE ZONE.
SUGAR RAY LEONARD STRETCHING
THOSE GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING
LIGAMENTS.
WILL FERRELL
IS AGGRESSIVELY HYDRATING,
JUST TAKING THOSE ELECTROLYTES
STRAIGHT TO HIS FACE.
-I GOT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE.
-HE REALLY WANTS THIS, STEVE.
-THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
-STEVE, CAN I GET A DRINK?
-I SAID THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
BUT BEFORE WE GETO OUR FIRST MATCH,
THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE
IS TO SUPPORT COMIC RELIEF.
AND WE WOULD LOVE YOU
TO GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG
AND DONATE DURING THE SHOW
BECAUSE ALL THE MONEY YOU GIVE
WILL GO TOWARD KEEPING KIDS
AND FAMILIES SAFE HERE IN
THE U.S. AND AROUND THE WORLD,
WHETHER THAT'S KIDS
WHO NEED A PLACE TO CALL HOME
OR KIDS IN DANGER
WHEN DISASTER HITS.
JUST USE THE PHONE THAT IS
PROBABLY ALREADY IN YOUR HAND
AND GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG
AND GIVE.
-AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE RISE FOR THE SINGING
OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
OUR HOST, TRIPLE THREASTEPHEN COLBERT,
WILL BE ACCOMPANIED
BY GRAMMY AWARD WINNING
SINGER AND SONGWRITER,
A CITIZEN OF BOTH
THE DANGER ZONE
AND POOH CORNER,
MR. KENNY LOGGINS.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE
BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHWHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED
AT THE TWILIGHT'S
LAST GLEAMING
WHOSE BROAD STRIPES
AND BRIGHT STARS
THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHO'ER THE RAMPARTS WE WATCHED
WERE SO GALLANT STREAMING
AND ROCKETS' RED GLARE
THE BOMBS BURSTING
IN AIR
GAVE PROOF
THROUGH THE NIGHT
THAT OUR FLAG
WAS STILL THERE
OH, SAY, DOES THAT STAR
SPANGLED BANNER
YET WAVE
O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE
AND THE HOME
OF THE BRAVE
[ APPLAUSE ]
-PICKLEBALL!
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-OKAY, AMERICA, ARE YOU READY
FOR SOME PICKLEBALL?
CARI, TELL US ABOUT OUR FIRSMATCH UP.
-SHE'S AN ACTRESS, GRAMMY AWARD
WINNING RECORDING ARTIST,
SAY HER NAME,
SAY HER NAME,
IT'S KELLY ROWLAND!
HE WON AN EMMY
FOR GETTING USED AND ABUSED
BY THE GUEST OF A LUXURY RESORON HBO'S "THE WHITE LOTUS,"
NOW HE'S GOING TO FACE
THE BACKHANDS OF A NEW CROP
OF GLAMOROUS ECCENTRICS,
IT'S MURRAY BARTLETT!
LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR DINK FLOYD!
ORIGINALLY FROM MISSISSIPPI,
SHE'S AN EMMY
AND GRAMMY NOMINATED ACTOR,
WRITER AND STAND UP COMEDIAN
WHO RECENTLY JOINED
THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE.
IT'S TIG NOTARO!
THIS 6'3" COMEDIC GENIUS
STARS WITH A 6'2" RYAN REYNOLDS
AND THE NEW MOVIE "SPIRITED."
IN IT'S WILL FERRELL!
TOGETHER, THEY ARE
PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.
-I AM VERY EXCITED.
-I AM VERY HOT --
AND EXCITED TOO.
-YOU KNOW WHY
WE'RE FEELING GOOD?
IT'S CURRENTLY 94 DEGREES HERE
AT THOUSAND OAKS.
IT FEELS LIKE 107.
-FEELS LIKE THIS SHOULD
HAVE BEEN INDOORS.
-ON MY WEATHER APP, IT ALSO SAID
THREAT OF COYOTE ATTACK.
SO THAT WOULD BE A WORST CASE,
IF A BAND OF COYOTES CAME
AND ATTACKED EVERYONE
AS THEY WATCHED PICKLEBALL.
-WE'RE MOMENTS AWAY
FROM THE FIRST-EVER POINAT THE FIRST-EVER
CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT.
HISTORY IN THE MAKING.
KELLY ROWLAND,
MURRAY BARTLETT,
TIG NOTARO,
WILL FERRELL.
THE ENERGY HERE
IS AS ELECTRIC AS THEIR CARS.
LET'S GO TO CENTER COURT.
-THIS IS ABOUT CELEBRITY.
THIS IS ALL ABOUT CELEBRITY.
-WILL FERRELL ABOUT TO FACE
HIS ACHILLES HEEL,
HIS ACHILLES TENDON.
-THANKS, EVERYBODY.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
THANKS, YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.
-HERE WE GO.
WILL FERRELL SERVING TO
KELLY ROWLAND.
WE'RE UNDERWAY.
-SERVICE IS GOOD --
OH, BUT KELLY MISSES.
-A SMOKER.
-BILL, I'M CHALKING THAT UP
TO THE PRESSURE
OF PLAYING THE VERY FIRST MATCH.
SHE IS THEKELLY ROWLAND,
SO...
-AND IT'S FERRELL
TO BARTLETT, TO NOTARO,
BACK TO BARTLETT.
TIG TO KELLY.
AND THAT ONE'S OUT.
-WILL AND TIG OFF TO A QUICK
TWO POINT LEAD.
-TIG, THAT'S A LOT OF POWER
IN A LITTLE PACKAGE.
-2 -- 0-2.
-FERRELL DROPS IT IN.
NOW, LOOK AT WILL ATHE KITCHEN LINE.
-OH!
-IT'S JUST TOO MUCH, FOLKS,
FOR BARTLETT TO RETURN!
-GET OVER THERE.
-ALRIGHT.
-COMING UP TO THAT KITCHEN LINE
PUTS A LITTLE PRESSURE
ON THE OPPONENT.
-GOT IT.
-THAT WAS OUT.
-THAT WAS OUT.
-LOOK AT THIS, WILL FERRELL
CALLING HIS TEAMMATE'S BALL OUT.
SEEMS TO BE SOME CONFUSION.
WELL, THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY WE INSTALLED THE LINE CAM.
AND HE'S RIGHT.
TREMENDOUS VISION AND INTEGRITY
FROM WILL FERRELL.
-ALRIGHT. 0-3-1.
-GOT IT.
-WAY TO GO, WILL.
-LOOK AT THIS.
-OH!
-HE'S IN THE ATTACK MODE.
-FERRELL DID NOT COME TO PLAY.
HE CAME TO PLAY.
-HE'S LEAVING IALL OUT THERE, STEVE.
-I HOPE HE'S STILL GOT SOME LEFFOR THE NEXT ROUND
BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING GOOD
FOR PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.
-ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!
SILENCE IT OUT OVER THERE!
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-YOU RECOGNIZE THOSE TROUSERS
ON WILL FERRELL, STEVE?
-THEY ARE FROM
THE MOVIE "SEMI-PRO."
-FOOT FAULT.
-I DIDN'T SEE IT.
-LOOK -- WELL, SENSE IT.
-WE SHOULDN'T HAVE A KITCHEN
ON THE COURT.
-SO MUCH PASSION,
SO MUCH EMOTION,
NOT A LOT OF UNDERSTANDING
OF THE RULES.
JOIN US AFTER THE BREAK
FOR THE EPIC CONCLUSION
OF THE FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH.
AND THEN AISHA TYLER
AND JAIME CAMIL
SQUARE OFF
AGAINST THE MERRY DUO OF
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.
...WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,
TO "PICKLED."
OUR FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH
HAS BEEN FULL OF DASHES,
SMASHES,
AND NO DOUBT A FEW RASHES.
THERE IS A DECENT CHANCE
OF CHAFING OUT THERE.
LET'S GET BACK TO THE ACTION.
SCORE'S 5-4, WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO
CLINGING TO A ONE-POINADVANTAGE
OVER KELLY ROWLAND
AND MURRAY BARTLETT.
FERRELL SERVING.
-GOT IT.
-A NIFTY LITTLE WINNER
FROM NOTARO --
OH, AND THEN
A RACKET POINT!
SHE'S PUTTING ROWLAND
AND BARTLETT ON NOTICE.
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
AT THAT, BILL.
HERE'S THE WINNER.
AND HERE'S THE POINT.
-ROWLAND, FAMOUSLY POLITE.
I WOULDN'T SAY SHE'S RATTLED,
BUT DEFINITELY OFFENDED.
SHE MIGHT FORGIVE,
BUT THERE WILL BE NO FORGETTING.
-OKAY.
-6-4 IN FAVOR OF
FERRELL AND NOTARO.
-THAT WAS CUTE.
-OH, KELLY.
-POINT.
-THAT WAS A NICE RETURN.
-NOW YOU'RE STARTING TO WAKE UP.
-7-4, MOMENTUM WITH
FERRELL AND NOTARO --
BUT LOOK AT THIS!
ROWLAND NOT ROLLING OVER --
A SALUTE, A SHIMMY.
-OKAY.
-FERRELL CLEARLY TAKING NOTICE
OF THE CHILD OF DESTINY.
OOH. BUT THE FOOTWORK,
NOT FANCY ENOUGH FOR THE RETURN.
-YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE ALL
THAT [BLEEP], DID YOU PLAN THAT?
-NOPE!
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
8-4, TWO.
-A NICE LITTLE RALLY DEVELOPING.
TIG COMING UP TO THE LINE.
AND, OOH, UNFORCED ERROR.
SERVICE GOING BACK TO ROWLAND
AND BARTLETT.
-DON'T WORRY, GUYS. SWEATSHIRTS
WILL BE COMING OUT SOON.
-FERRELL PANDERING TO THE CROWD,
CARI.
WHAT A SMART MOVE.
-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY HERE.
-I GOT IT.
-I GOT IT.
-GOT IT?
-POINT!
-ANOTHER UNFORCED ERROR
BY NOTARO.
-UNFORCED ERROR, OF COURSE,
ONE OF THE BESSTEVEN SEAGAL FILMS.
HE'S A FORMER NAVY SEAL
TURNED TENNIS PRO
WHO HAS TO SIMULTANEOUSLY
SAVE AND WIN WIMBLEDON.
STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT PLUS.
-NICE.
-OOH, LOOK AT THIS RALLY.
IN THE KITCHEN!
RIGHT IN.
STAY WITH IT, KELLY. COME ON!
-OH! NICE!
-ROWLAND SHOWING
SOME EMOTION THERE,
THROWING THE BALL
DIRECTLY AT TIG'S BACK.
BUT THERE'S THAT WINNING SMILE.
IS IT ENOUGH TO WIN THIS MATCH?
WE'LL SOON FIND OUT.
BUT OVER ON THE PRACTICE COURT,
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
IS RUNNING HER HUSBAND,
PAUL SCHEER, AROUND THE COURT.
RAPHAEL SERVING SOME SERIOUS
LOOKS THERE.
MEANWHILE, JAIME CAMIL
AND AISHA TYLER
ARE GETTING DIALED IN.
-[BLEEP]
-OH, CURSING A BLUE STREAK,
BUT LOOKING GREAT DOING IT.
THE WINNER OF THEIR MATCH
WILL FACE OFF
AGAINST THE WINNER OF THE MATCH
CURRENTLY ON CENTER COURT.
MURRAY BARTLETIS SERVING, DOWN 6-9.
-POINT.
-DON'T DO THAT.
-DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT.
-YEAH, DON'T DO THAT.
-I TRIPPED -- I SLIPPED.
DON'T -- BUT DON'T DO
WHAT YOU'RE DOING EITHER.
-BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT.
-YES!
-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY.
WHO WILL IT BE?
-THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!
-FERRELL IS LOVING IT.
OH!
-LOOK AT MURRAY WITH A SPIN!
-OH, BUT HITS IT OUT.
ROWLAND WITH A TWIRL.
GOT TO WONDER IF FARRELL'S LOVE
FOR THE GAME DISTRACTED HIM.
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
[ SLOW-MOTION ]
-THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!
-YEAH, HE'S LOVING IT SO MUCH,
HE JUST WATCHED THAT POINGET AWAY FROM HIM.
COSTLY.
-I DON'T MEAN THIS
IN A MEAN WAY,
BUT THAT POINT WAS YOUR FAULT.
-BARTLETT IS NOW SERVING TO TIE
IT UP.
-GOT IT.
-YEP.
-YEAH.
-DOWN THE LINE.
BUT, OOH, WAS IT IN?
-LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE LINE CAM.
YEP. THE JAR DOES NOT LIE.
DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO.
THAT WAS IT.
-OUT.
-IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ROWLAND.
SERVE GOING BACK TO NOTARO
AND FERRELL.
-GREAT, GREAT.
-YOU READY?
-HERE WE GO.
NICE.
-YOU GOT IT?
-GOT IT.
-WE GOT SOME NICE PLAY HERE.
-AND A SLAM FROM BARTLETT.
BUT NOTARY RECOVERS.
AND AGAIN, BUT --
-OOH!
-SORRY, I'M SORRY.
-WHAT WAS THAT?
-RIGHT INTO THE PICKLES
OF BELOVED ICON
WILL FERRELL, CARI.
-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.
WOW. TOUGH TO SEE.
AND -- UH-OH,
LOOKS LIKE FERRELL'S
A LITTLE ANGRY THERE.
YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
COULD BE TROUBLE
FOR MURRAY AND KELLY.
-DON'T APOLOGIZE.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
-OKAY.
-SORRY.
-NO, I KNOW --
NOW I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-NOW I KNOW.
-ALRIGHT.
-I'VE GOT SOME ISSUES.
-HE SEEMS NICE
UNTIL YOU GET HIM ON THE COURT.
-OH, MURRAY -- TECH MODE.
-SECOND SERVER.
-9 ALL, FERRELL SERVING.
-FIRST TO 11, WIN BY 2.
WHO WILL IT BE?
-YES!
YOU GOT IT.
-AND JUST LIKE THAT,
WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.
-10-9, TWO.
-FERRELL SERVING.
-IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SCREAM,
YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP.
-A NICE DIG FROM WILL.
-DEEP TO THE BASELINE.
BUT BARTLETT IS THERE WITH
THE CROSS-COURT BACKHAND.
NOTARO --
-OH!
-AND THAT'S IT.
NOTARO AND FERRELL WIN IT.
-WE WON.
-WE WON.
I'M GLAD THAT --
STILL HAVE NO IDEA.
-THAT IS APPARENTLY NEWS
TO NOTARO.
COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE SCORE,
BUT STILL COMING OUT ON TOP.
-WHAT A MATCH
TO KICK IT OFF.
THE EXCITING,
GUT-WRENCHING PICKLEBALL PLAY.
-KELLY ROWLAND
AND MURRAY BARTLETT MOVE OUT.
WILL FERRELL AND TIG
MOVE ON TO THE SEMIS.
THEY'RE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE
WITH JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.
-THANK YOU, CARI, I'M HERE
WITH THIS INCREDIBLE TEAM.
THEY PUT US THROUGH THE WRINGER
IN THIS MATCH.
I'M TELLING YOU,
ELECTRIFYING PICKLEBALL.
THOSE TWO WORDS
HAVE NEVER BEEN PUT TOGETHER.
TIG, WHAT WAS GOING ON
OUT THERE?
-WELL, BASICALLY WHAT WE DID
WAS WE GOT IN THERE,
WE JUST PLAYED OUR BEST.
WE JUST STAY FOCUSED.
-WONDERFULLY SAID, TIG.
I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU, WILL?
ARE YOU, UH -- ARE YOU
A BETTER PICKLEBALL PLAYER
THAN WHEN YOU STARTED
AFTER THAT MATCH?
-I THINK MOST DEFINITELY.
AND I'M MOST PROUD
OF MY PARTNER, TIG,
BECAUSE NO ONE --
NO ONE IN THE STADIUM --
-THANKS, WILL.
-NO ONE WITHIN 100 MILES' RADIUS
OF THIS -- OF THIS PLACE.
THOUGHT SHE COULD DO IT.
-THANKS, WILL.
-AND SHE DID IT.
-JUST LIKE I SAID,
I JUST GOT IN THERE.
JUST STAY FOCUSED
AND JUST, YOU KNOW,
KEPT MY EYE ON THE BALL.
-THAT'S A --
IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY SAID.
-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
-YES, SIR.
-I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR WILL.
WILL, YOU'RE ALL HEARWHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE.
YOU PUT IT ALL OUON YOUR SLEEVE.
WHAT OTHER ORGANS
WERE YOU TODAY?
-I WAS A LITTLE BIT, UH, I WAS
A LITTLE BIT GALLBLADDER,
A LITTLE BIT KIDNEY.
I WAS A LITTLE BIT COCCYX,
WHICH IS...
WHICH IS NOT AN ORGAN.
-I DO NOT BELIEVE
WE CAN SAY COCCYX --
-WELL --
-ON CBS.
-WE'RE GOING TO SAY IT.
THIS IS WHY THIS IS
A REVOLUTIONARY SHOW FOR CBS.
-THANK YOU, GUYS.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
I'M HERE WITH MURRAY AND KELLY.
THEY JUST CAME OFF
A HEARTBREAK OF A LOSS.
IF YOU COULD
CHANGE ANYTHING
ABOUT HOW YOU PLAYED TODAY,
WOULD IT BE EVERYTHING?
-NO.
-WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE
IF YOU COULD?
-THOSE TWO POINTS I LET...
[ LAUGHS ]
-YOU GOT ANGRY, THE EMOTIONS
GOT THE BEST OF YOU OUT THERE.
TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT MOMENT,
LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE.
LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE BACK
AND TAKE A LOOK AT --
SO, THERE YOU ARE.
YOU THREW A BALL AT TIG
WHEN HER BACK WAS TURNED.
-BUT I SAW YOU, YOU KNOW,
PURPOSEFULLY AIM IT NOT AT TIG.
-NO, I AIMED IT AT TIG.
-OH, OKAY.
ALRIGHT.
I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU THERE.
-NO, IT'S ALRIGHT.
I THINK SHE KNEW.
-WHAT DID YOUR OPPONENTS
HAVE THAT YOU DIDN'T?
OTHER THAN MORE POINTS
AT THE END.
-SKILL.
-SKILL?
WE'RE GIVING EVERYBODY
HERE WHO PLAYS AND LOSES
AN OPPORTUNITY
TO DO A MONOLOGUE
SO THEY CAN BE SUBMITTED
FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENAS A GUEST PERFORMER
IN A LIVE SPECIAL.
MURRAY BARTLETT IS NOW GOING
FOR HIS LAST CHANCE EMMY
WITH A DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE.
AND LIKE
ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES,
IT'S IN THE PROMPTER.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MURRAY BARTLETT IN
"SCREW YOU, DAD."
-44 CENTS -- THAT'S HOW MUCH
A POSTCARD STAMP IS.
44 CENTS, DAD.
EVERY DAY I WOULD RUN
TO THAT DANG MAILBOX
AS FAST AS I COULD.
NOTHING COULD STOP ME,
NOT EVEN THAHOT AUSTRALIAN SUN.
I KEPT THINKING MAYBE THERE'D BE
A POSTCARD FROM DAD,
FROM SOME FANCY PLACE --
HONG KONG, SAUSALITO,
THE MOON.
BUT THERE NEVER WAS.
SCREW YOU, DAD.
THERE WAS NEVER ANY MAIL AT ALL!
COME TO THINK OF IT,
THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN
A MAILBOX.
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A BIRDHOUSE.
IT WOULD EXPLAIN ALL THE EGGS.
OH, SHOOT.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY, DAD, I OVERREACTED.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-ONE MATCH DOWN,
FARRELL AND NOTARO
MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.
UP NEXT, DYNAMIC DUO
JAIME CAMIL AND AISHA TYLER
WILL FACE OFF AGAINSMARRIED DUO
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.
DEFEAT, DIVORCE,
"DA" CHAMPIONSHIP --
IT'S ALL ON THE TABLE
WHEN "PICKLED" RETURNS.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

-AND NOW YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
-HOW LONG TILL WE'RE BACK IN?
HELLO! WELCOME TO "PICKLED,"
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELCOME BACK TO THE ACTION.
FOLKS, WHILE I MAY BE THE HOSOF TONIGHT'S SHOW,
IT TAKES A LOT OF PEOPLE
TO PUT THIS TOGETHER.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO YOU
A VERY SPECIAL MEMBER
OF THE "PICKLED" FAMILY,
OUR BELOVED MASCOT,
HALF-SOUR HARVEY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, HARV?
MOST MASCOTS ARE
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,
JUMPING UP AND DOWN,
PUMPING UP THE CROWD.
BUT, TRUTH BE TOLD, HARVEY IS
GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF
AT THE MOMENT -- IT'S PRETTY
MUCH PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE
THAT HARVEY'S WIFE, JANET,
HAS MADE THEIR
TEMPORARY SEPARATION
MORE OF A PERMANENT SITUATION.
SHE SIGNED A LEASE.
SHE'S GONE ON TWO DATES
WITH A ZUCCHINI.
IT'S...
IT'S A MESS.
HARVEY,
WHEN YOU'RE READY TO TALK,
WE'RE READY TO LISTEN.
NOW LET'S GET READY
TO PICKLE.
CARI, BILL, CAN YOU TELL US
A LITTLE BIT MORE
ABOUT THE MATCH
WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?
-YOU KNOW HER FROM
"GRACE AND FRANKIE,"
AND YOU KNOW HIM
FROM "BLACK MONDAY."
TOGETHER, THEY PRODUCE TV SHOWS,
PODCASTS, AND EVEN CHILDREN.
BUT CAN THEY PRODUCE
PICKLEBALL POINTS?
IT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER,
A.K.A. THE PADDLE-SNAKES!
-YOU KNOW HIM FROM HIS WORK ON
"JANE THE VIRGIN"
AND NETFLIX'S "EL REY."
HE'S HOPING TO BE
THE REYOF THE SPORT --
IT'S JAIME CAMIL!
SHE'S FAMOUS FOR ROLES
IN "GHOST WHISPERER,"
"CRIMINAL MINDS,"
AND "ARCHER" --
TODAY, SHE JUST MIGHT BE
A DEEP WHISPERER --
IT'S AISHA TYLER!
TOGETHER THEY ARE
TAKE THIS LOB AND SHOVE IT.
-AISHA AND JAIME'S
RELATIONSHIP
MAY NOT BE AS LONG
AS PAUL AND JUNE'S,
BUT THE SAME CANNOBE SAID OF THEIR ARMS,
WITH A COMBINATION WINGSPAN
OF OVER 150 INCHES.
THAT'S EQUIVALENT TO
A MINI COOPER CONVERTIBLE.
IT'S A FUN RIDE.
I'D GO ON, BUT THEY ARE NOA SPONSOR TONIGHT --
UNLIKE OOFOS.
-SPEAKING OF OOFOS, STEVE,
LET'S GO DOWN TO
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.
THAT'S WHERE OUR PLAYERS
WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO RECHARGE
AFTER THEIR MATCHES AND FEEL
THE OOH OF THOSE OOFOS.
IT'S ALSO WHERE OUR SIDELINE
REPORTER,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
IS STANDING BY.
JOHN MICHAEL, TALK TO ME
ABOUT THE VIBE DOWN THERE.
WELL, THANKS, CARI, I'M HERE
IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,
AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
THEY'VE REALLY
OUTDONE THEMSELVES.
I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY NICE
IN HERE --
AT FIRST GLANCE,
IT MIGHT JUST SEEM LIKE A TENT,
BUT IF THIS IS A TENT, THIS IS,
LIKE, THE NICEST TENI HAVE EVER BEEN.
AND I'M REALLY LOVING
THIS LOUNGE
BECAUSE IT'S A HOT DAY;
THEY HAVE OOFOS AS FAR AS
THE EYE CAN SEE IN HERE.
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON
THE MISTERS THEY PUT UP HERE
BECAUSE MISTER
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
NEVER MISSES A SCOOP.
AND I WAS ABLE TO CATCH UP WITH
OUR PLAYERS
BEFORE THIS MATCH.
LISTEN.
-SO MY STRATEGY IS TO BE
SUPER AGGRESSIVE,
TO GET UP TO THE NEAND TO GO FOR EVERY BALL.
-AND MY STRATEGY IS TO LISTEN
TO MY WIFE.
IF SHE TELLS ME TO DO SOMETHING,
I'M GOING TO DO IT.
-APPARENTLY, JUNE IS
PICKLEBALL AFICIONADO.
AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU
IS IT'S GOT TO BE WONDERFUL
HAVING THAT MUCH FREE TIME
ON YOUR HANDS.
-OOH!
-AISHA, JAIME,
WE'RE ABOUT TO BEAT YOUR ASSES.
-SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO WATCH
JUNE AND PAUL HERE.
THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 13 YEARS,
SO THEY'LL KNOW
EACH OTHER'S STRENGTHS.
BUT EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS SOME LINGERING RESENTMENTS
THAT COULD AFFECT GAME PLAY.
-AISHA AND JAIME ARE NOA MARRIED COUPLE,
BUT THEY ARE LONG TIME FRIENDS.
COULD BE A PRO OR CON.
-UP FIRST WITH THE SERVE,
THE PADDLE-SNAKES,
ALSO KNOWN AS THAT MARRIED
COUPLE;
0-0,
LET IT ALL BEGIN, GUYS.
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
EVERYBODY READY?
0-0, TWO!
-AISHA, THE BALL!
iVAMOS!
-iVAMOS!
-iVMONOS!
-OH.
-A FAULT FROM JUNE
TO START THINGS OFF HERE --
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TALK,
THOUGH, ABOUT HOW SHE'S
A REAL PICKLER.
SHE AND PAUL CONSTRUCTED A
PICKLEBALL COURT AT THEIR HOUSE.
SO MAYBE SHE'S FEELING
SOME JITTERS.
WE'LL SEE IF SHE CAN
PUSH THROUGH.
-AND JUNE POACHING A SLAM
FROM HER HUSBAND.
-JUNE WITH ANOTHER SMASH.
-CARI, SHE'S SKIPPING AWAY
WITH THE POINT.
BUT WHAT'S THIS,
SOME DEBATE HERE?
WAS IT IN OR OUT?
-IT'S HARD TO TELL
FROM THIS ANGLE.
OKAY, THAT ANGLE IS NOT DOING US
ANY FAVORS EITHER.
-LOOKED REALLY IN TO ME.
-YOU HAVE 1-0, ONE.
-UGH.
-POINT.
-IT'S OKAY, BABE.
-THAT IS GOING TO
HAUNT PAUL TONIGHT.
-HERE WE GO WITH HIS SERVE.
UNDERHAND.
-SERVE UNDERNEATH THE WAIST.
-OH.
-POINT.
-OKAY.
-LET'S SNEAK AWAY
FROM CENTER COURAND CHECK IN
WITH OUR NEXT TWO TEAMS
ON THE PRACTICE COURTS.
EMMA WATSON
AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD
ARE DINKING AND VIBING.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE ONE
TO WATCH.
BUT, FOLKS, KEEP AN EYE
ON LUIS GUZMAN.
-AAAAAH!
-HE'S FIRED UP.
THIS IS GOING TO BE
A SHOWDOWN FOR THE AGES.
-WHILE WE WERE AWAY,
TYLER AND CAMIL JUMPED OUTO A THREE-POINT LEAD,
AND THE PADDLE-SNAKES
ARE TRYING DESPERATELY
TO GET BACK INTO THIS.
JUNE SURVEY,
PADDLE-SNAKES DOWN 2-5.
-GOOD ONE!
-ANOTHER SLAM AND ANOTHER JIG
FROM RAPHAEL.
-CHANGE HOW QUICKLY.
-I LOVE HER LITTLE DANCE AFTER
A SUCCESSFUL THRUST.
-COME ON, AISHA!
-JAIME CAMIL UNDETERRED,
STAYING IN THIS ONE, BILL.
-OUT.
-POINT.
-IT WAS OUT.
-JUNE, YOUR SERVE.
-OH!
-OUT.
POINT.
-MUST BE HOT DOWN THERE,
DON'T YOU THINK?
-IT'S ACTUALLY --
I'VE BEEN DOWN THERE
FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
IT WAS QUITE COOL AND LOVELY.
-YOUR APPLAUSE WAS WARM AS WELL.
-YOUR VOICE IS AMAZING, STEVE.
-LET'S PAUSE HERE FOR A MOMENT,
JUST TALK ABOUT THAT.
-GOOD ONE.
-OUT. POINT.
-WELL-PLAYED.
-LOSING THAT STAMINA --
IT COULD BE THE HEAT.
-UP.
-GOOD, AISHA, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
-OUT.
-TOO MUCH FROM AISHA.
PANEL-SNAKES POISED
TO STRIKE HERE,
NOW UP 7-5.
-UH-OH, AISHA'S FEELING IT,
GUYS, SHE'S FEELING IT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
-KEPT 'EM BACK, THAT'S BEEN
PART OF THEIR PROBLEM.
THEY'RE NOT COMING FORWARD
ON THIS HIT.
STAYING DEEP.
-UP.
-OH.
-OUT, POINT.
ON THAT LAST ONE.
-OH!
-UP.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS, OOH.
-LOOK AT THAT!
JUNE IN IT TO WIN IT.
-LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
HERE SHE COMES.
RUSHING TO THE KITCHEN LINE,
JUMPS FOR THE SLAM.
PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED
TO GET AIRBORNE,
BUT IT LOOKS COOL IN SLO-MO,
AND I THINK SHE KNEW
THAT IT WOULD.
-PADDLE-SNAKES' FANGS OUT NOW,
UP 9-5, JUNE SERVING.
-FIRST TO 11.
WHO WILL IT BE?
-OH!
-OUT -- POINT.
-FIVE-POINT GAME.
-THIS IS VERY STRESSFUL,
YOU GUYS!
-10-5, ONE.
-AND JUST LIKE THAT,
WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE WHISPERING.
JUNE AND PAUL GUNNING FOR A SPOIN THE SEMIS
AGAINST WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO.
JUNE SERVING TO JAIME CAMIL.
DOES HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
TO BE A HERO?
AND NEVER MIND, HE HIT THE NET.
AND IT'S OVER.
-THE PADDLE-SNAKES,
THEY CAME BACK FROM A DEFICITO WIN IT ALL.
- THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU!
-OH, STOP IT!
-YEAH!
-OH, RUBBING IT IN!
-AN AMAZING MATCH,
SORRY TO SEE AISHA
AND JAIME GO,
BUT WHAT A GREAT MOMENFOR JUNE AND PAUL,
FOR THEIR MARRIAGE,
FOR THEIR BRAND.
-THEY ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,
SO LET'S CHECK IN.
-THAT WAS A REALLY
IMPRESSIVE WIN.
NOW, YOU COMING FROM WAY BEHIND
AND YOU JUST PULLED IRIGHT OUT AT THE END.
WHAT HAPPENED?
-WELL, WE HAD AN AMAZING SERVER.
-YEAH.
-JUNE REALLY LED US TO VICTORY.
SHE NEVER LET THE BALL
OUT OF HER SIGHT. SHE'S AMAZING.
-LISTEN, HAS YOUR MARRIAGE
IMPROVED SINCE YOU STARTED
THE GAME?
-YOU KNOW, IT DEFINITELY
HAS KEPT ME IN LINE.
I THINK IT'S MADE ME
A BETTER ATHLETE
BECAUSE I DON'T WANTO LET DOWN MY WIFE.
-YEAH, YOU DON'T.
-NO. JESUS. OH, MY GOD.
-NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO.
-I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT.
I WAS -- I'LL BE OKAY.
-ALRIGHT. THERE IT IS.
AND MAYBE YOU CAN BRING
"COMING FROM BEHIND"
BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE AS WELL.
-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
I HAVE A QUESTION.
STEPHEN COLBERT HERE.
-HI, STEPHEN.
-CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?
-YES.
-YES, QUITE WELL.
-YOU LOOK FANTASTIC,
FIRST OF ALL --
HOW MUCH
DID STYLE PLAY INTO THIS?
-YOU KNOW, FOR ME,
STYLE IS OVER EVERYTHING.
NOT MANY PEOPLE PLAY
IN A SWEATER IN 110 DEGREE HEAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT ACTUALLY IMPROVES MY GAME
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M SWIMMING
AND PLAYING PICKLEBALL
AT THE SAME TIME.
-LET'S FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT,
PAUL, WHERE IS MOST OF
THE SWEAT PUDDLING?
-OH, IT'S PUDDLING IN PLACES
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HAD PUDDLE ABILITY.
-NOOKS AND CRANNIES.
-SO BASICALLY YOU'RE SAYING
THAT YOUR NETHER REGIONS
FILLING UP
WITH WARM MELTED BUTTER.
-AND THAT'S THE PADDLE-SNAKES
IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, STEVE.
-THANKS, YOU GUYS.
-THANK YOU.
-JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER
ADVANCED TO THE SEMIFINALS,
WHERE THEY WILL BATTLE IT OUAGAINST WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO.
WHEN WE RETURN, SUGAR RAY
LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON
VERSUS DANIEL DAE KIM
AND LUIS GUZMAN.
WORLD CLASS ATHLETES,
A-LIST ACTORS --
SHOULD BE SOME
PRETTY GOOD PICKLEBALL ACTION.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.

-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."
THE FIRST HALF OF THE SEMIFINALS
HAVE BEEN SEWITH WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO
FACING JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.
IT'S TIME NOW TO STARFILLING IN
THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE BRACKET.
AND FOLKS, WE HAVE GOA BARN BURNER COMING UP.
CARI, BILL,
TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT.
-IN OUR NEXT MATCH-UP,
YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON ISLANDS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC
OCEAN IN THE HIT SHOWS
"LOST" AND "HAWAII FIVE-O,"
IT'S DANIEL DAE KIM
AND HIS PARTNER STEALS SCENES IN
"BOOGIE NIGHTS"
NIGHTS AND THE UPCOMING
ADDAMS FAMILY REBOOT,
"WEDNESDAY,"
IT'S LUIS GUZMAN.
-THEY'LL CONJURE UP
THE INTENSITY OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST ACTOR WHEN TOGETHER
THEY BECOME
DANIEL DAE LUIS.
AND NOW, HE'S ONE
OF THE GREATEST BOXERS
OF ALL TIME WITH FIVE WORLD
TITLES AND OLYMPIC GOLD,
IT'S SUGAR RAY LEONARD.
-SMELL SOMETHING SWEET.
SHE FIRST ROSE TO FAME
AS HERMIONE GRANGER
IN THE HARRY POTTER FILMS.
SHE STARRED IN THE
OSCAR-NOMINATED "LITTLE WOMEN"
AND WENT ON TO BECOME
THE UNITED NATIONS'
WOMEN GOODWILL AMBASSADOR.
IT'S EMMA WATSON.
TOGETHER, THEY ARE
THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.
SUGAR RAY LEONARD
IS THE ATHLETE.
-HE CAN STICK AND RUN.
HE CAN MOVE THOSE PUPPIES.
-ALRIGHT. LET'S GO DOWN
TO JOHN MICHAEL FOR MORE.
-THANKS, CARI. THANKS, BILL.
I WAS ABLE TO GETHE INSIDE SCOOP ON THIS MATCH
WHEN I PUT OUR TEAMS
ON THE HOT SEAT THIS MORNING.
-STRATEGY FOR TODAY
IS TO WIN, BABY.
-WE'RE GOING TO WIN
-WHEN I KNEW I WAS GOING
TO BE PLAYING WITH RAY,
I STARTED TRAINING.
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, I DON'T WANTO LET THIS MAN DOWN.
WE DID MOUNT EVERESA FEW TIMES.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
-KILIMANJARO.
WE WENT TO AFRICA.
IT WAS GREAT.
-WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST ATHLETIC
ACHIEVEMENT TO DATE?
-I WOULD SAY THE 1976
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.
-MY BIGGEST ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENTO THIS DATE
WAS BEATING MY YOUNGER BROTHER
AT PING-PONG.
-PING-PONG.
-I GUESS!
PING-PONG AGAINSMY YOUNGER BROTHER.
-ALRIGHT.
OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.
LET'S WATCH THE COURAND THE PEOPLE ON IT.
AND SPEAKING
OF THE PEOPLE ON IT,
EMMA IS UP SERVING FIRST.
-0-0, TWO.
-EMMA WATSON WITH A NICE SERVE
TO GUZMAN,
AND HIS RETURN IS LOW.
-POINT.
-WIND'S AGAINST US.
-OKAY.
-OR, WIND'S WITH US.
-VOLLEY RANCHERS UP 1-0.
-SO THAT'S 1?
-1-0, TWO.
-EMMA WITH THE STRONG FOREHAND.
GIVEN BACK TO SUGAR.
-OH.
-BACKHAND FOR THE WIN.
2-0.
-DAMN! DAMN,
IT'S LIKE THAT, HUH?
-OKAY. LIKE THAT.
IT'S LIKE THAT.
YOU SAW THAT?
-APPARENTLY, IT IS LIKE THAT.
-TOO LONG!
OH, IT'S IN.
-OH!
-WE GOT ONE.
WE GOT ONE.
-LETTING THEM HIT IDOWN THE MIDDLE.
-DOWN THE MIDDLE. RIGHT?
-DANIEL DAE LUIS
CATCHES A BREAK THERE
WITH EMMA'S UNFORCED ERROR.
THEY'LL GET THE SERVE
AND AN OPPORTUNITY
TO PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD.
-0-2, ONE.
-OKAY, WE'RE READY?
-GUZMAN SERVING,
EMMA AND SUGAR UP 2-0.
-GOTTA LET IT BOUNCE, LUIS.
-OH-HO!
-OH!
-THAT'S ALRIGHT,
THAT'S ALRIGHT.
-THE CHAMP SMOKING THOSE BALLS
AT GUZMAN.
-SERVE GOES TO KIM NOW.
-WE GOTTA GET 'EM BACK.
GET 'EM BACK.
-ALRIGHT. HERE WE GO.
-OH!
-SUGAR RAY IS PLAYING
WITH INTENTION.
-SUGAR WITH SOME SPICE...
AND NOTHING NICE.
TAKING ADVANTAGE,
GOING FOR THE JUGULAR AREA.
-I SEE HOW THAT IS GOING.
AND IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.
IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.
-SUGAR RAY CONSIDERED ONE
OF THE BEST PICKLEBALL PLAYERS.
-OF ALL TIME?
-ON THIS COURT.
-OH, OKAY. ON THE COURT.
SIMILAR TO ALL TIME.
HERE WE GO, DANIEL DAE!
VOLLEY RANGERS GET THE POINT.
SCORE 3-0,.
SUGAR RAY LEONARD STILL SERVING.
-NOT GOOD. THAT WAS OUT.
THAT WAS OUT.
-CARI, BILL, ARE YOU SEEING
WHAT I'M SEEING?
EMMA'S GOT A HELL OF AN EYE.
SHE LETS THAT BALL PLAY
ALL THE WAY OUT TO SEE
WHETHER IT'S FAIR PLAY
OR WHETHER IT'S GOING
TO GO OUTSIDE.
I LIKE HOW COOL
SHE STAYS ON THE COURT.
-YOU KNOW, I'M TOLD
THAT SHE REALLY
HAS WORKED AT THIS
WITH INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION.
LUIS!
-THAT'S OUT.
[ CHEERING ]
-THAT IS IMPRESSIVE,
TERRIFIC TECHNIQUE.
-I HATE THEM.
-WAY TO RALLY --
NEITHER TEAM,
THOUGH, BACKING DOWN,
BUT LOOK AEMMA WATSON'S DETERMINATION.
ZERO FEAR AT THE KITCHEN LINE,
MY KIND OF GAL,
MAKING IT LOOK EASY.
SHE AND LEONARD WIN THE POINT.
-UNPRECEDENTED GAME PLAY.
WE HAVE NEVER SEEN
THIS KIND OF ACTION.
-IT'S OKAY, WE GOT THIS.
WE GOT THIS.
-WHILE THESE WARRIORS
GRIND IT OUT ON THE COURT,
LET'S SHARE A BRIEF REMINDER
OF WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY.
-TO EVERYONE WATCHING,
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.
-DONATE NOW TO HELP SAVE
AND CHANGE THE LIFE OF A CHILD.
-THAT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL,
WHO RECENTLY CARRIED
HER HUSBAND,
PAUL SCHEER, TO THE SEMIFINALS.
NOW BACK TO CENTER COURT.
OH, A RARE BREAK FOR GUZMAN.
HE'S GIVING EMMA WATSON
THE BUSINESS,
STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT.
EMMA FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.
-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.
-THERE IT IS.
SCORE 8-0 AT THIS MOMENT.
-HERE'S SOME MORE TERMINOLOGY.
IF YOU WIN A GAME BY SKUNKING
THE OTHER TEAM,
IT IS CALLED BEING PICKLED.
-BEING PICKLED.
YOU BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH.
-I'M SORRY, BILL.
-THAT'S ALRIGHT. YOU, BABY.
TO THE PICKLE.
9-0.
-9-0, TWO.
POINT.
-THERE IT IS.
10-0 NOW.
-OH.
-10-0, TWO.
-IF THIS WERE A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE,
NOW WOULD BE THE MOMENTHAT DANIEL DAE LUIS STAGES
THEIR EPIC COMEBACK.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN M--
NOPE. NO. YEAH. THIS ONE'S OVER.
EMMA, SUGAR, 11-0.
YEAH, THEY CRUSHED 'EM.
-VOLLEY RANCHERS
MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.
STEVE, HAS SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AGED?
-NO.
-NOT A BIT.
-THEY RECENTLY
TOOK A CORE SAMPLE,
AND THERE ARE NO MORE RINGS.
-OKAY.
-DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN,
A HEARTFELT SALUTE TO YOU
FOR COMING OUT TODAY
FOR COMIC RELIEF,
BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DID NOCOME OUT TO PLAY PICKLEBALL.
EMMA AND SUGAR RAY ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE
RIGHT NOW WITH OUR FRIEND
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.
-OH, BOY.
WHAT A PERFORMANCE.
I MEAN, YOU COULD DO NO WRONG.
AND WHAT WAS INTERESTING
ABOUT YOU
WAS THAT YOU SHOWED
ABSOLUTELY NO MERCY
TO THOSE TWO WONDERFUL PEOPLE
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT.
WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
ARE YOU BAD PEOPLE?
-WELL, WE'RE NOT BAD PEOPLE.
IT JUST --
IT'S A NATURAL THING.
JUST A NATURAL HABIT.
-I SEE.
-WINNING IS A NATURAL HABIFOR HIM, AND I'M JUST --
I'M JUST FOLLOWING HIM UP,
YOU KNOW?
-YOU'RE JUST HELPING HIM ALONG.
THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.
WELL, YOU CRUSHED THEM.
YOU CRUSHED THEIR SPIRITS,
AND YOU CRUSHED THEIR --
THEIR WHOLE FUTURE.
SO I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
-WELL, I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID,
THAT CRUSH.
AND THAT WAS THE INTENTION.
-DESTROY.
WE'RE I'M APOLOGIZING
FOR OUR INTENSITY.
-NO APOLOGY, SUGAR RAY?
-I MEAN, I FEEL BAD,
BUT I FEEL GOOD THAT I WON.
WE WON.
-IT'S A REAL GOOD KIND OF BAD.
-FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
-THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT ROUND.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THE VOLLEY RANCHERS ADVANCE
TO THE SEMIFINALS.
COMING UP, IT'S GOING TO GEA LITTLE COUNTRY IN HERE.
MULTI-PLATINUM ARTISJIMMIE ALLEN
AND STAR OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD"
MAX GREENFIELD
TEAM UP TO TAKE DOWN SINGER
SONGWRITER DIERKS BENTLEY
AND HOST OF "THE AMAZING RACE,"
PHIL KEOGHAN.
AND THEN IT'S THE CLAUSSEN
CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORT.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,
TO "PICKLED."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'VE GOT A MOMENT,
SO I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENRIGHT NOW TO INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE REAL STAR
OF OUR SHOW TONIGHT --
OUR TROPHY, THE COLBERT CUP.
I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT THAT,
YES, WE'VE SEEN YOUR TWEETS
AND #WEGETIT --
THAT IS A KARATE TROPHY.
YOU SEE, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE TROPHY INDUSTRY, SADLY,
IS LIVING IN THE PASAND HAS YET TO DEVELOP
THE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IT TAKES
TO PRODUCE
A PROPER PICKLEBALL TROPHY.
BUT WE THOUGHT THIS BAD BOY
WAS PRETTY COOL.
LET'S GET BACK
TO OUR COMPETITORS, SHALL WE?
BILL, CARI, OVER TO YOU.
-BILL AND I ARE EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEXT MATCH UP.
HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM COUNTRY
MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER
WITH HIT SINGLES "BEST SHOT"
AND "DOWN HOME,"
AND HE'S GOING TO GIVE
PICKLEBALL HIS BEST SHOSO HE DOESN'T END UP
HEADING HOME.
IT'S JIMMIE ALLEN.
HIS PARTNER STARS ON CBS'S
HIT COMEDY
"THE NEIGHBORHOOD,"
WHERE HE SCORES TONS OF LAUGHS,
BUT CAN'T HE SCORE TONS
OF POINTS TODAY
ON THE PICKLEBALL COURT?
WE'LL FIND OUT.
IT'S MAX GREENFIELD.
AND TOGETHER THEY ARE
DILL-I-AM.
-AND SO YOU BE --
HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM
COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER
WITH HIT SINGLES
"AM I THE ONLY ONE?"
AND "BEERS ON ME" -- WILL BE
ON STEVE LATER, I MIGHT ADD.
IT'S DIERKS BENTLEY.
HIS PARTNER IS THE HOST OF
"THE AMAZING RACE,"
BUT TODAY HE'S THE ONE WHO WILL
BE PUSHING HIMSELF TO HIS LIMITS
PUTTING IT ALL ON THE LINE
FOR THE ONE SHOT AT GLORY.
IT'S PHIL KEOGHAN!
-KEOGHAN!
-TOGETHER, THEY ARE...
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.
[ CHEERING ]
-YOU HEAR THAT CROWD
RIGHT THERE?
-THEY'RE ALREADY CHEERING
FOR US, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PLAYING,
THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING NOISE
FOR US --
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. HANG ON.
WRAPPING UP SOME TV STUFF.
-PHIL PLAYS A LOT.
DIERKS PLAYS ON THE ROAD.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT DIERKS TELLS YOU.
HIS WHOLE TOUR,
THEY PLAY PICKLEBALL. OKAY?
-WHAT I LIKE TO DO
IS LET THEM GET UP
LIKE A POINT AWAY FROM VICTORY,
AND THEY REALLY GETHEIR HOPES UP.
-REALLY? YOU WANT TO TAKE ITHAT CLOSE TO THE LINE?
-IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME
JUST GET THE WIN.
I WANT TO GET LIKE --
I WANT -- I WANT --
-YOU WANT TO RUB IT IN.
-I WANT TEARS.
-AND HONESTLY, TOO,
THEY'RE BOTH SO RICH.
LIKE, THEY GOT A LOT OF FREE
TIME ON THEIR HANDS.
WE GOT TO WORK.
-THESE ARE RICH MEN.
-THESE ARE RICH MEN
PLAYING A RICH MAN'S SPORT.
-MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE US
SOME MONEY.
-YEAH.
-AND HERE THEY COME, DIERKS
AND PHIL STRUTTING THEIR STUFF
ONTO CENTER COURT.
JIMMIE AND MAX NOT FAR BEHIND.
THE INTENSITY
IS ALREADY DIALED UP.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE.
-ALRIGHT, FOLKS,
OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.
SO LET'S GO TO THE COURAND WE HAVE MAX GREENFIELD
SERVING,
TEAM DILL-I-AM TRYING TO MAKE ITO THE SEMIFINALS.
-0-0, TWO
-WAS THAT OFF?
-DO-OVER, DO-OVER.
MY MISTAKE. MY MISTAKE.
-GREENFIELD LETTING HIS EMOTIONS
GET THE BEST OF HIM.
OBVIOUSLY,
YOU CANNOT SERVE OVERHAND.
-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT OVER.
-YEAH, LET'S LET HIM DO IT OVER.
-HE'S LEARNING.
HE'S LEARNING THE RULES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S HIS FIRST TIME.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME.
-OH!
-WE GOT A POINT.
NOW YOU GUYS SWITCH SIDES.
-NOW WE SWITCH IT.
-WHAT DO WE DO?
-1-0, ONE.
-DID WE -- IS IT OVER?
-NO.
-OKAY.
I THOUGHT WE WON.
-AS AN ACTOR WE KNOW THAGREENFIELD NEVER PLAYS
BY THE RULES, BUT WE HERE A"PICKLED" INSIST THAT HE DOES.
HERE'S THE SERVE.
-JIMMIE COVERING A LOT OF GROUND
RIGHT THERE.
BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GEAROUND KEOGHAN'S --
-OH!
-LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
-AND BAM,
THE MAN FROM DOWN UNDER
GOES UP AND OVER.
-AND FOLKS, YES, WE KNOW
THAT PHIL
IS FROM NEW ZEALAND,
NOT AUSTRALIA,
BUT NEW ZEALAND
IS TECHNICALLY DOWN UNDER
AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OVER.
NEWS YOU CAN USE.
-1-1.
-KEOGHAN SERVES, 1-1.
-JIMMIE WITH A NICE DEEP RETURN.
BILL AND DIERKS
CHARGE THE KITCHEN LINE.
-BENTLEY GOING UP TO GET IT.
AND JIMMIE, JUST TOO
MUCH POWER THERE.
-IS THAT OUT?
-SO LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE JAR
TO SEE WHERE THAT ENDED UP.
AND IT IS INDEED LONG.
-ALRIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GET --
LET'S BRING THE TEAM TOGETHER.
-GOT IT.
-SECOND SERVER.
-OH, GOD. NICE SHOT.
-ONE.
-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE EARLY.
I THINK BOTH TEAMS
ARE LEARNING THE GAME.
LOOKS LIKE THEY PRACTICED.
REHEARSED.
-NICE SERVE.
-ANOTHER DEEP RETURN FROM AL,
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
MAX UP TO THE KITCHEN LINE.
HE'S THERE.
AND ANOTHER --
-POINT.
-HE POACHED IT, MAYBE SHOULD
HAVE LEFT IT FOR JIMMIE.
-MY PARTNER.
HE'S GOT IT GOING ON.
-I WAS ABOUT TO SLAM IT.
-YOU CAN CHANGE A CHILD'S LIFE
TONIGHT.
MAKE NO MISTAKE.
JUST GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.
-AND EVERYONE'S A WINNER.
-HE SAID IT.
-THANK YOU, SUGAR AND EMMA,
THEY'RE PATIENTLY AWAITING
THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
LET'S CHECK BACK IN,
THE SCORE 804.
-GET IT.
GO!
-OH, BACKHAND. NO, LOOK.
-YEAH!
-AN AMAZING POINT THERE.
THIS -- THIS IS THE PICKLING
WE CAME HERE TO SEE.
-EVERYBODY UP ATHE KITCHEN LINE.
GREENFIELD WITH THE BACKHAND,
BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
THEY KICK IT UP A NOTCH
AND THE CROWD IS LOVING IT.
-9-4, ONE.
-DIERKS SERVING, SCORE 904.
ALLEN DELIVERS
ANOTHER GREAT RETURN,
KISSING THE LINE, RIGHT THERE!
-9-4, TWO.
-HERE WE GO.
-KEOGHAN SERVES.
GREENFIELD RETURNS.
-MAX IMMEDIATELY UP
TO THE KITCHEN. SMART MOVE.
-OUT.
-OH, BUT IT IS OUT,
A RARE MISTAKE FROM PHIL.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE JAR, FOLKS.
IT'S CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.
-THAT IS A STRONG JAR.
TAKES A LICKING
AND KEEPS ON TICKING.
LET'S SEE IF GREENFIELD AND
ALLEN HAVE THE SAME TOUGHNESS.
-MAX NOW SERVING, DOWN BY FIVE,
TRYING TO MOUNT A COMEBACK,
FOLKS.
NOW, LOOK AT THIS, FOLKS --
DIERKS AND PHIL RIGHT ON THAKITCHEN LINE.
BUT JIMMIE IS A LITTLE OUT OF
POSITION AND THEY,
OF COURSE, TAKE ADVANTAGE.
-NICE JOB.
-BROMANCE DEVELOPING
BETWEEN THESE TWO.
WOULD BE PRETTY COOL IF THEY
CAME OUT OF THIS BEST FRIENDS.
-4-9, TWO.
-SERVE NOW WITH JIMMIE,
THEY'RE DOWN 4-9.
NICE SERVE.
BUT HERE COMES DIERKS.
A BIG SLAM, AND DIDN'T HAVE
A FOOT IN THAT KITCHEN.
HE MIGHT HAVE.
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
-NO! PRANCIN', DANCIN',
BUT NO COOKIN'.
HE STAYS OUT OF THE KITCHEN,
CARI -- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
-THAT WAS CLOSE. YEAH.
-INTO THE NET,
MAX VERY DISAPPOINTED THERE.
AND HERE WE ARE.
KEOGHAN SERVING MATCH POINT.
HARRY NET RALLY ONE POINT AWAY
FROM A COVETED SEMIFINAL BERTH.
GREENFIELD.
GREENFIELD AGAIN.
JIMMIE, REAL DANGER HERE.
-GET IT, MAX!
-GREENFIELD'S GOT IT --
BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH, FOLKS!
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY,
ONTO THE SEMIS!
-MOVING ON!
-GOOD JOB.
GOOD JOB.
-GOOD PLAYERS, DUDE!
-YOU PLAYED OFF YOUR ASS OFF.
MAX, YOU'RE GOOD, BRO.
-I WAS WORRIED THERE.
THAT WAS FUN.
-YEAH. GOOD JOB.
-LOOK AT MAX DOING EVERYTHING
HE CAN TO KEEP THIS ALIVE.
HITTING THE DECK, BUT, FOLKS,
IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.
-THEN GOES GREENFIELD,
MAYBE A SKINNED KNEE.
GET THE MEDIC.
BUT DEFINITELY A BROKEN HEART.
-DIERKS AND PHIL ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.
-YOU ARE NOW FACING SUGAR
RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON,
WHO TURNS OUTO BE A HOUSE ON FIRE.
A REALLY GREAT PLAYER.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
EXPECTING FROM THIS BOUT?
-UH, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.
-I WANT YOU TO THINK
ABOUT ROBERTO DURAN.
DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?
-YES.
-I WANT YOU TO BE ROBERTO DURAN
IN THE NEXT ROUND.
-WAIT A SECOND.
DIDN'T SUGAR RAY LEONARD
BEAT ROBERTO DURAN
REPEATEDLY,
TO THE POINWHERE HE WENT UP
AND SAID "NO MS"
AT ONE POINT?
-MAYBE WE MAKE HIM DURAN.
-YEAH.
-AND WE BEAT HIM.
-WE'RE SUGAR RAY.
THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
-THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN
AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AND EMMA WATSON
MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.
ALSO ADVANCING ARE JUNE DIANE
RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER
AGAINST TIG NOTARO
AND WILL FARRELL.
FOUR MATCHES BEHIND US,
THREE MORE REMAIN,
WHICH, IN "PICKLED,"
IS HALF WAY.
COMING UP, THE CLAUSSEN
CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORAND THE ANNUAL
STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS.
NO OTHER RACKET SPORTS PAUSE
FOR A HALFTIME SHOW,
BUT NO OTHER RACKET SPORIS PICKLEBALL.
"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

-AND WE WELCOME EVERYBODY
TO THE CLAUSSEN CRUNCH-TIME
HALFTIME REPORBROUGHT TO YOU BY CLAUSSEN.
BE THE CRUNCH YOU WANTO SEE IN THE WORLD.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERJOINED HERE IN THE PERGOLA
BY OUR COMMENTATORS BILL RAFTERY
AND CARI CHAMPION.
GUYS, WE ALL KNOW CLAUSSEN
PICKLES ARE COLD AND CRUNCHY.
COULD YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUSOME OF THE PLAY WE SAW TODAY?
I TELL YOU, SUGAR RAY'S
OPPONENTS ARE IN A PICKLE.
HE HAS BEEN STONE COLD.
HE IS GOING TO THE SEMIS.
THAT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF.
-HE'S GOING TO BE VERY GOOD,
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
I'M SURE HE'S A NEOPHYTE
AT THIS GAME.
AND THAT'S WHAIMPRESSED ME THE MOST --
LOT OF THESE PEOPLE
ARE FIRST TIME STARTERS
AND DISPLAYED
EXTRAORDINARY ABILITY.
-SUGAR RAY AND EMMA SHUT OUDANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN.
I'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN PICKLE.
-THUS FAR, EMMA IS THE BESPLAYER IN THE COMPETITION.
-REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
-SHE'S ON THE SHORTLIST FOR MVP,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
-THEY WENT AFTER LUIS BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T COME TOWARDS
THE KITCHEN, THEY'RE VERY SMART.
I JUST LOVE HER ATTITUDE.
WHAT A COMPETITOR.
-JUNE DIANE AND PAUL'S MARRIAGE
SEEMS TO BE AN ADVANTAGE SO FAR.
-ARE THEY STILL TALKING?
I'M NOT SURE.
-I DON'T KNOW. LIKE MOST WOMEN,
SHE'S CARRYING HIM
IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
DO YOU NOT AGREE?
-OH, SHE WAS FANTASTIC.
AND HER ATTITUDE AFTER
A MADE POINT, BIT OF DANCIN'
AND PRANCIN',
HAVING A GREAT TIME.
-CARI, BILL,
THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHT.
AND NOW TO DELIVER
CLAUSSEN'S ANNUAL
STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS,
THE ANCHOR OF
"CBS NEWS PRIME TIME,"
JOHN DICKERSON.
-PICKLEBALL'S JOURNEY BEGAN
IN THE TUMULTUOUS YEAR 1965.
THE TIMES, THEY WERE A-CHANGIN'.
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE THOSE TIMES A-CHANGED
THE WAY WE PLAYED RACKET SPORTS.
ONE WEEKEND
IN THE SUMMER OF '65,
FUTURE CONGRESSMAN
JOEL PRITCHARD WAS TRAPPED ON
A FAMILY VACATION ON
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WASHINGTON,
WITH SEVERAL BORED CHILDREN,
TWO-PING PONG PADDLES,
ONE WIFFLE BALL,
AND A BADMINTON NET.
THEN CONGRESSMAN PRITCHARD
DARED DO
WHAT NO ONE
HAD DARED DO BEFORE.
HE LOWERED IT.
AND PICKLEBALL WAS BORN.
THE '60s MAY HAVE
COME TO AN END,
BUT PICKLEBALL'S ROCKET RIDE
HAS JUST BEGUN.
RACKET SPORTS SCIENTISTS
CALCULATE THAT IN THE LASTWO YEARS, THE SPORT HAS GROWN
BY 40%.
THERE ARE NOW
4.8 MILLION PLAYERS.
PICKLEBALL IS BRINGING HEALTH
AND HAPPINESS
TO COUNTLESS AMERICANS --
UNLESS YOU CAN COUNTO 4.8 MILLION.
CLEARLY PICKLEBALL HAS BECOME
A NATIONAL OBSESSION.
BUT EVERY OBSESSION
HAS A DARK SIDE.
AS THE HORDES OF PICKERS
GROW THEIR INSATIABLE THIRSFOR COURT SPACE
DEVOURS GYMS, TENNIS COURTS.
AND, IN NEW YORK CITY,
PICKLEBALLERS ARE
SETTING UP UNAUTHORIZED COURTS
IN PUBLIC PARKS AND PLAYGROUNDS,
AND FIGHTS ARE ERUPTING.
YES, VIOLENCE ON
THE PLAYGROUND AND SADLY,
NOT THE COOL DANCING KIND.
ONE CRITIC LABELED PICKLERS
"THE LANTERN FLIES
OF THE SPORTS WORLD" --
AN APT COMPARISON,
BECAUSE, LIKE PICKLEBALL,
THEY'RE BOTH INVASIVE,
AND, UNTIL RECENTLY,
I HAD NO IDEA
EITHER ONE EXISTED.
BUT PADDLE CRIME ISN'T THE ONLY
DANGER LURKING ON THE COURT.
SO ARE INJURIES --
19,000 OF THEM A YEAR.
THE CAUSE,
ACCORDING TO ONE EXPERT --
"MOST OF IT IS FROM TRIPPING."
THE SPORT IS LURING UNSUSPECTING
AMERICANS INTO AN ACTIVITY
THEY'RE NOT READY FOR:
MOVEMENT.
SO WITHER NOW PICKLEBALL?
HARMLESS ACTIVITY,
SURGING SPORT,
OR MENACE TO SOCIETY?
PERSONALLY, AFTER SEEING THESE
CELEBRITIES PLAY THIS SPORFOR THE BETTER PAROF AN AFTERNOON,
I THINK PICKLEBALL
CAN BE A FORCE FOR HEALING
IN THE RIGHT HANDS --
AND SOMETIMES IN THE LEFT.
BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
-THANKS, JOHN.
COMING UP: JUNE, PAUL;
WILL, TIG --
PICKLEBALL MAY BE LOW IMPACT,
BUT IT IS DEFINITELY
HIGH STAKES.
WHEN WE COME BACK, THE "PICKLED"
SEMIFINALS GET UNDERWAY.
THIS IS CBS.

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
I AM MORE THAN SEMI EXCITED TO
WELCOME YOU TO THE SEMIFINALS.
IF THESE PLAYERS WIN HERE,
THEY MOVE ON
TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.
BUT IF THEY LOSE,
THEY'RE STILL FAMOUS.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
-OUR NEXT TEAMS WILL NEED TO
LEAVE EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN
IF THEY WANT TO MAKE IT THROUGH.
WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING
THE JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER PLAYING
WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO.
-IT'LL BE FINE.
-WILL?
-HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
-NO, WE'RE JUST HUGGING.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
-THERE'S A RUMOR YOU GUYS
ARE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED.
WHOA!
[ CHEERING ]
-WILL.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY.
-HERE WE GO. PADDLE-SNAKES
VERSUS PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.
LET'S WATCH.
-NICE SERVE, BABE.
GOT IT.
-LITTLE POACHING EARLY.
OOH, BIG RETURN!
-OOH, MEAN.
-MEAN WILL FERRELL.
-NOW, REMEMBER, FOLKS,
ONLY THE SERVING TEAM CAN SCORE.
WILL AND TIG HAVE THE SERVE
AND A CHANCE
TO GET OUT TO AN EARLY LEAD.
-YOUR SERVE, TIG.
-RIGHT.
KNEW THAT.
-0-0, ONE.
-TIG SERVING AND ASSURING
THE LINE JUDGE THASHE UNDERSTANDS
SOME OR ANY OF THE RULES.
-JUNE HAS A LITTLE BIOF THE JITTERS.
-JUNE. YES, SHE IS --
SHE'S JUMPY
AS A YOUNG COLT RIGHT NOW.
-TIG...
-LOOKING AT JUNE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE NEAR THAT SERVE,
FOR GOOD REASON.
-OKAY. ALRIGHT.
-OH, HE'S GOT THE SOCKS UP!
IT'S DANGER TIME.
-THERE YOU GO.
-OH, HE'S LOOSENING UP.
-THERE YOU GO.
-WE HAVE ALL THE TIME
IN THE WORLD.
-ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.
-1-0, TWO.
-OH, ONE IS LOWERING
AT THE OTHER END.
-I'M GOING TO SET MYSELF
FOR EVERY SERVE.
-1-0, TWO.
-LONG.
-OH, OUT.
-LITTLE STRONG.
-2-0, TWO.
FOOT FAULT.
FOOT FAULT.
-YOU CAN SEE PAUL
STEPPING INTO THE KITCHEN LINE
WITHOUT LETTING THE BALL BOUNCE.
OUR LINE JUDGE SAYS NO WAY.
WILL AND TIG GET THE POINT.
SCORE 3-0.
-YOUR KITCHEN WASN'T UP TO CODE.
-FERRELL WITH A SNAPPY
ONE LINER.
THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO SERVE.
-NICE.
-SOLID BACKHAND
FROM SCHEER THERE.
-SIDE OUT,
CIRCLES BACK TO PAUL, 3-0,
PAUL AND JUNE.
-0-3, ONE.
-OKAY.
0-3, ONE.
-OUT.
-TONIGHT, YOUR DONATION CAN
HELP FAMILIES IN IMMEDIATE NEED.
-DONATE TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.
-NOW, AS WE PICK THIS MATCH
BACK UP,
WILL AND TIG HAVE JUST SCORED
SIX UNANSWERED,
AND, FRANKLY, UNWATCHABLE POINTS
THAT WE HAVE EDITED OUT.
THEY'RE UP 9-3.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
-NICE SERVE, BABE.
-OOH! OOH!
-SHE'S PISSED!
-I KNOW, SHE'S PISSED.
-THERE YOU GO.
-THAT'S WHAT'S UP.
-JUNE IS --
-PISSED.
-SHE'S UPSET.
-YEAH, SWEETIE, YEAH!
LET'S GO.
NICE.
-OH, TOUGH.
-JUNE STEPPING INTO
THE KITCHEN,
BUT SHE LETS IT BOUNCE.
-OH, SHE'S GOOD, THAT --
-SHE IS UNCONSCIOUS.
-MAMA.
-MOMMY!
-THAT WAS A MAMA.
-THAT WAS TOTALLY MOMMY.
-CALLING IT A MAMA.
THAT'S A TERM I BELIEVE THEY'RE
MAKING UP.
NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT LOOK AT THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
THAT'S A MAMA,
THAT'S A "MAMA MIA,
HERE WE GO AGAIN."
-EARLY VOTE FOR MVP.
-SHE WAS PERMITTED TO BE
IN THE KITCHEN.
-NICE SERVE.
OUT!
-TOUCH!
-HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT.
-DIDN'T TOUCH.
-I HEARD A TOUCH.
-IT --
I DID HEAR A TOUCH.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH TOO.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH.
-ALRIGHT, SECOND SERVER.
-ALRIGHT.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH.
I'D BE THE FIRST TO SAY
I DIDN'T HEAR A TOUCH,
BUT I HEARD A TOUCH.
-SOME DISPUTE ON THE COURT,
TIG AND OUR LINE JUDGE
BOTH CLAIMING THEY HEARD
PAUL'S PADDLE HIT THE BALL.
WE'D CHECKED,
BUT OUR LINE CAM TECHNOLOGY
ONLY HAS EYES, NOT EARS.
-POINT.
-NOW. I'M NOT HAPPY.
-USE IT.
-ALRIGHT, I'M GOING TO USE IT.
-6-9, TWO.
-COME TO THE KITCHEN.
-MAMA!
-9-6, ONE.
-OH.
-BABE!
-JUNE SEEMS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED
WITH HER HUSBAND RIGHT NOW.
WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED
IF A FIGHT BROKE OUT.
-HE MAY BE SLEEPING IN THE CAR.
-10-6, ONE.
-SORRY.
-I'LL TELL YOU,
NOTHING TESTS A MARRIAGE
LIKE BEING THE BETTER MEMBER
OF A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TEAM.
-WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY, BABE.
-ALL THE WAY, BABE.
-WILL SERVING MATCH POINT.
THIS COULD BE IT.
-BUT NO.
JUNE REFUSING TO LOSE
FORMIDABLE AT THAT KITCHEN LINE.
SHE LIKES IT UP THERE.
-YOUR SERVE, RIGHT OVER THERE.
-SECOND SERVER.
-I TOTALLY KNOW
HOW TO PLAY THIS.
-10-6, TWO.
-COME ON, TIG!
-DAMN IT!
-GET IN!
-OUT!
-THAT'S GOOD.
-WILL AND TIG
UNABLE TO WRAP THIS UP.
JUNE AND PAUL STILL ALIVE.
HERE'S PAUL.
-6-10, ONE.
-NICE SERVE.
-WAS THAT OUT?
-OUT.
LET'S CHECK THAT ONE.
-CHECK THAT ONE.
-AND A BIG SMASH
FROM THE BIG MAN.
-IT WAS SO CLOSE,
BUT THEY CALL IT OUT.
-IT WAS OUT. IT WAS OUT.
-IT WAS OUT.
-HEY, BABE? WE'LL COME BACK.
-OKAY.
-WE'RE STILL BACK.
-I KNOW.
-ARE WE WINNING?
-YES.
-YEAH.
-7-10, AND HERE COME
THE PADDLE-SNAKES.
-LET IT GO --
-WHOA!
-HEY, JUNE!
-BABE, I'M SORRY.
BABE, I'M LEAVIN'
-8-10, HOLDING
FOR SCHEER.
AND HE COMES UP WITH A WINNER.
-TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
NOT MUCH TIG COULD DO WITH IT.
SHE WAS IN DISBELIEF.
-NICE, BABE.
-HOW FAR ARE WE AHEAD?
-8-10, ONE.
-8-10.
WE'RE UP BY TWO.
-GOT IT.
-OOH, HOW ABOUT THAT?
SHOWED A LITTLE COCKINESS.
A LITTLE FLEXIN'.
-NICE.
-IT'S ALL IN THE SOCKS.
-I EXPECT MORE FROM JUNE.
I'VE SEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYS
THAT SHE JUST LET GO BY HER.
-I DON'T KNOW WHAT MATCH STEVE
IS WATCHING.
I'M TELLING YOU, I THOUGHTHAT WAS PAUL'S PROBLEM,
BUT IT'S OKAY, STEVE.
-WELL, I DON'T EXPECMUCH FROM PAUL.
THAT'S WHAT I EXPECFROM PAUL,
WHAT WE JUST SAW RIGHT THERE.
-THANKS, BABE.
I NORMALLY SERVE REALLY WELL.
-NO, YOU'RE GOT --
YOU GOT THIS ONE.
-10-8, ONE.
-MATCH POINT. MATCH POINT.
-MATCH POINT FOR THE THIRD TIME.
-RIGHT?
-CAN THEY GET IT DONE?
-DAMN IT! WHAT THE HELL?
-PARTY TIL...
-YOU CUKE.
-LIKE I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS.
-I WAS GOING TO ASK
THE SAME QUESTION.
-SECOND SERVER,
10-8, TWO.
-WILL NOW SERVING FOR THE WIN.
-UNH!
UNH!
-OH! THAT'S THE WINNER.
THAT'S IT.
-CHICKEN DINNER, MY FRIENDS.
CHICKEN DINNER.
-WILL AND TIG
SENDING THOSE LOVEBIRDS
BACK TO THEIR NEST.
-PARTY TIL YOU CUKE WINS IT,
THEY'RE ON TO THE FINALS.
GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
-SHE'S BEEN TERRIFIC,
HASN'T SHE?
-TO JUNE AND PAUL,
THEY HAVE DONE THE BEST.
HAVE THEY NOT?
-THEY COMPETED GREAT.
-THE PADDLE-SNAKES WERE AMAZING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR A COMPETITIVE ROUND.
WOW. THAT WAS
A GOOD SEMIFINAL MATCH.
-FUN TO WATCH.
-JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD
TO HANG ON.
BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.
BIG CONGRATS TO FARRELL
AND NOTARO.
THEY'RE HEADING
TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP
AND THEY'RE WITH JOHN MICHAEL
IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.
-WELL, PARTY TIL YOU CUKE,
AND CUKE THEY DID INDEED.
FANTASTIC PLAY.
THIS TEAM HAS WON EVERY
SINGLE GAME THAT IT PLAYED.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
-YEP.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
-AND DO YOU PLAN TO WIN
THE NEXT ONE?
-OUR MOTTO HERE,
AT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE IS,
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T --
YOU CAN'T PARTY...
-RIGHT.
...-UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING
TO CUKE,
AND WE'RE WILLING TO CUKE
EVERY TIME WE STEP
ON THE -- ON THE COURT.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
-I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
-TIG, WILL, IF I CAN JUMP
IN HERE REAL QUICK...
-SURE, STEVE.
-...WAS THERE ANY EMOTION
FOR YOU GUYS OUT THERE?
THERE WERE TIMES AT WHICH
YOU SEEMED ALMOST ANGRY.
-MM.
-I DIDN'T FEEL A THING, STEPHEN.
-DEAD INSIDE?
-YES, ABSOLUTELY.
-WILL, YOUR FEELINGS.
-I FELT DEAD INSIDE AS WELL.
-YEAH.
YOU LOOKED IT.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
-I CHECKED MY HEART RATE
AT ONE POINT.
I WAS AT A 12.
-UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.
-I WANT TO PLAY DIERKS BENTLEY.
I AM HERE TO WHUP ASS ON DIERKS.
-WE HAVE --
-I SAW ALL THE WEAKNESSES.
-WE CIRCLED DIERKS' NAME
ON THE ROSTER.
-WILL, YOU SAID
YOU CIRCLE JERKED?
-OH, I HAD MY CUKE OUT, YEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-THANKS, GUYS.
-YEP.
-THANKS SO MUCH,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
MY DEAR FRIEND.
TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL
MOVE ON TO THE FINALS.
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER ARE OUT.
STILL AHEAD, WE'LL SEE
SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AND EMMA WATSON
VERSUS DIERKS BENTLEY
AND PHIL KEOGHAN.
IT'S GOING TO BE ONE
FOR THE BOOKS.
THIS IS "PICKLED"!

...WILL CONTINUE.
-...WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.


-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK
BECAUSE OUR PENULTIMATE MATCH,
aka OUR FINAL SEMIFINAL MATCH,
aka OUR MATCH TO DECIDE WHICH
OF OUR PLAYERS
ALMOST LOST THE LEAST,
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.
CARI, BILL, CARI,
TELL US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT.
CARI, BILL.
-THIS FINAL SEMIFINAL
IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.
DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN
DEFEATED JIMMIE ALLEN
AND MAX GREENFIELD
TO GET HERE TO THIS POINT.
BUT SUGAR AND EMMA DOMINATED
DANIEL DAE KIM
AND LUIS GUZMAN --
A TOTAL SHUTOUT!
BILL, WHO DO YOU THINK
WILL CONTINUE THEIR REIGN
ON TO THE FINALS?
-OH.
-BE HONEST! YOU CANNOCHANGE YOUR MIND.
-THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.
YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THE CHAMP
TO WIN!
SUGAR RAY!
AND THE WAY EMMA WATSON HAS BEEN
PLAYING HAS BEEN SENSATIONAL.
-NO ONE HAS A SERVE LIKE EMMA.
-NO!
-WE CAN HEAR YOU DOWN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-I'M REALLY GOING
TO GO OUT HERE --
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.
THAT IS MY CHOICE.
I THINK THEY WILL WIN.
-CARI, YOU KNOW I RESPECT YOU.
YOU'RE LIVING
IN A FANTASY WORLD.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-[ CHUCKLES ]
-I AGREE.
-EMMA AND THE CHAMP ARE
ABOUT TO BRING IT HOT AND HARD.
-OFTENTIMES, I'VE BEEN TOLD.
-BOTH TEAMS VERYCONFIDENGOING INTO THIS.
SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
DIERKS BENTLEY
WITH THE FIRST SERVE.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-UH-OH.
OOH!
WAIT! OOH!
AGH!
IT'S OUT.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
AN EXHILARATING EXCHANGE.
FOUR VERY SKILLED PLAYERS
GOING AT EACH OTHER HERE.
-1-0-2.
-THANK YOU, BUDDY.
-HEY, STEVE.
-YES, CARI.
-SHOULD WE MAKE A SMALL WAGER?
-SURE.
I'LL BET YOU A JAR OF PICKLES.
-I WAS GOING TO SAY YOU HAVE
TO EAT A PICKLE.
-OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
FUN AND GAMES UP HERE,
BUT ON THE COURT,
DEADLY SERIOUS!
AS SUGAR RAY SERVES.
-0-1-1.
-OOH!
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT.
-OKAY.
-1-1-1.
NOPE, OUT.
POINT.
-BILL, THAT'S A GOOD EYE
FROM LEONARD RIGHT THERE.
-BIG ERROR FROM DIERKS.
HE NEEDS TO STOP THINKIN'
AND START PICKLIN'.
-NO!
-OUT. POINT.
-PHIL'S VOLLEY JUST A LITTLE
TOO AGGRESSIVE RIGHT THERE.
HE COULDN'T KEEP IT IN.
VOLLEY RANCHERS, 3-3-1.
-3-1-1.
-OKAY, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START.
-YEP.
-OOH, NICE!
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-SECOND SERVER.
-WATCH THIS SERVE FROM WATSON.
-HER SERVE IS BEAUTIFUL.
-YEAH, IT IS.
SHE'S PLAYED A LOT OF TENNIS.
-YOU CAN TELL.
-LOOK AT THAT.
-OKAY.
-SIDE OUT.
-HERE WE GO.
-THEM.
-YOUR SERVE.
VERY COMPETITIVE MATCH SHAPING
UP ON THE COURT RIGHT NOW,
BUT WILL AND TIG ARE STANDING BY
TO REMIND US
OF THE IMPORTANT STUFF.
-PLEASE HELP CHILDREN
AND FAMILIES THRIVE.
-YOU CAN GIVE AT...
-THANKS, GUYS.
WHILE WE WERE AWAY, THERE WAS
A DRAMATIC REVERSAL OF FORTUNE.
-7-5-1.
-WE NOW JUMP AHEAD.
BENTLEY AND KEOGHAN, UP 7-5.
PHIL SERVING.
[ CHEERING ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
-[ GRUNTS ]
OOH!
-SECOND SERVER.
[ WHISTLING ]
-WHERE --
WHERE DID SHE READ THAT?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S --
-7-5-2.
-LOOK AT THIS RALLY.
-SMASH IT!
-THERE'S THE SMASH.
-RIGHT THERE!
-OH!
-HE DIDN'T HAVE IT.
-WHEW!
-THE POWER!
-THAT'S THE CHAMP.
THAT'S THE SUGAR RAY
WE KNOW AND LOVE.
THE CHAMP IS BACK!
-OH, HE LOVES IT, TOO.
-EMMA'S SERVE.
-THAT MADE UP
FOR A COUPLE OF WHIFFS.
-NICE SHOT.
-ALRIGHT.
-5-7-1.
-IT'S ALL ON WATSON'S
STURDY SHOULDERS.
-5 SERVING 7.
5 SERVING 7.
-NICE [INDISTINCT].
-THAT'S IT.
-OOH, IT WAS IN.
[ OOHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-WHAT ANTICIPATION.
-5 SMOKING7.
-A ONE-TWO PUNCH
WITH EMMA AND SUGAR.
-THEY'VE GOT A TON OF CHEMISTRY.
THE CROWD IS ROOTING FOR THEM.
THE ONLY QUESTION, THOUGH,
IS CAN THEY PULL THIS OFF?
-BUT HANG ON, CARI.
NOT SO FAST.
THERE'S A FLAG ON THE PLAY HERE.
-WHAT HAPPENED?
-OKAY. OH, IT'S GREAT.
BUT YOU HAD
TO LET THE BALL BOUNCE
-IT BOUNCED TWICE.
-FOR THAT SECOND BOUNCE.
-TWICE?
-OUR LINE JUDGE POINTING OUTHAT LEONARD DID NOLET THE SERVE RETURN BOUNCE.
THEY LOSE THE POINT.
SERVE TO LEONARD.
-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
5-7-2.
-I WANT TO POINT OUT,
MY FRIENDS,
THAT IS THE SECOND OUTFIFOR EMMA WATSON TONIGHT.
-SOME PEOPLE CAME PREPARED.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ANOTHER JACKET, DID YOU?
-I DO, ACTUALLY.
I HAVE A DARKER GREEN JACKET,
IN CASE I BLOW THROUGH THIS ONE.
-[ LAUGHS ]
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-AAH!
-OH!
WHAT A PLAY BY SUGAR!
-SUGAR RAY LEONARD GOES SKY HIGH
WITH THE LOB!
A TRICKY SHOT,
BUT, OF COURSE,
HE MAKES IT LOOK EASY.
-YOU GUYS HAVE A NICE
LITTLE MOMENT.
-OH, NO, WE'RE
-IT'S A NICE MOMENT.
-GOING TO BEAT YOU.
WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP
AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.
-THIS IS WHERE
THE STORY CHANGES.
-WATCH THIS.
-DIERKS IS TRYING TO GEIN THEIR HEADS,
BUT EMMA, SHE'S NOT HAVING IT,
AND I LIKE IT.
THE VALLEY RANCHERS ARE
DOWN 6-7.
LEONARD HAS THE SERVE.
-I WANT TO SAY,
WILL FERRELL'S GIVING ME --
HE'S OFFERING ME A PICKLE
RIGHT NOW.
MAY I HAVE IT, WILL?
-NO, DON'T EAT IT.
THE CAMERA GUY SAID
REALLYDON'T EAT IT.
EVIDENTLY,
THAT WAS A PROP PICKLE
BEING USED FOR A PHOTO SHOOA LITTLE LATER TODAY.
TOO BAD. LOOKED TASTY.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-SERVE GOING BACK
TO PHIL AND DIERKS.
-NICE.
-[ GRUNTS ]
[ CHEERING ]
OH!
OH.
OH.
[ CHEERING ]
OUT, OUT, OUT!
-LEONARD JUST BARELY
MISSING THERE.
-HE'S OUT.
-THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH.
-LET'S FINISH IT OFF.
-EVERYTHING YOU GOT.
-8-6-1.
OUT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
-OUT, OUT.
-8-6-2.
IT HAPPENS.
-8-6-2.
-OH, HIGH.
-HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
-HIGH SERVE.
DIERKS LOFTING BALL.
DIFFERENT LOOK.
INTERESTING.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
[ OHHS ]
-POINT.
-YEAH.
-ALRIGHT, BILL, THAT PAYS OFF.
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY UP 9-6.
-LET'S DO THIS.
ON YOUR SERVE.
-NOW, WE GOT THIS.
-WE GOT IT.
-VOLLEY RANCHERS HAVE
TO DIG DOWN.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
[ OHHS ]
-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
-BENTLEY IS UNBEATABLE UP THERE,
SO STRONG AT THE KITCHEN LINE.
[ OHHS ]
-OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
IT'S MATCH POINT,
BUT EMMA IS CALLING
FOR A TIME-OUT,
A CHANCE TO REGROUP, POSSIBLY.
-OKAY, GUYS!
-EMMA!
-WOW! WATSON AND LEONARD
APPEALING TO THE CROWD.
-WE GOT TO WIN 4 OR 5 POINTS
IN A ROW.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU
TO BE ON OUR SIDE, OKAY?
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
WE NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU
TO BE HERE FOR US, YES.
-OKAY.
-[BLEEP] THESE GUYS.
WE HAVE TO WIN!
I WANT TO HEAR "EMMA AND RAY!
EMMA AND RAY!"
-THAT IS GOODWILL
AMBASSADORSHIP IN ACTION.
-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE NOTE, STEVE.
-IT'S JUST SO SAD.
THERE'S ONE POINT LEFT.
I'M SERVING.
IT'S GOING TO BE OVER.
ALL IN VAIN.
GOING TO BE A WASTE
OF TIME FOR THEM.
-PERSONALLY, I'M PULLING
FOR EMMA AND SUGAR RAY.
I REALLY WANT TO SEE
WHAT HER THIRD OUTFIT COULD BE.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-MY MONEY'S ON JUMPSUIT.
-MATCH POINT.
-YOURS.
-OH!
-OH, YES.
STAYING ALIVE.
THEY'RE STILL IN THIS.
-MY BAD
SET YOU UP THERE.
-THAT WAS A HARD STAREDOWN
FROM HER.
-YEAH.
-EMMA!
-EMMA STARING THEM DOWN.
SHE IS LOCKED IN.
-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
-[ CHANTING ] EMMA! EMMA!
EMMA! EMMA! EMMA!
-6-2.
-HERE WE GO.
-NOW, THEY GOT A WHOLE SERVE
TO GET BACK IN THIS.
-OKAY.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-SECOND SERVER.
-PHIL AND DIERKS FEELING
THEMSELVES A LITTLE BIT.
-NO ONE WANTS YOU TO WIN.
-[ LAUGHS ]
I DO.
-I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
-I GOT TWO PEOPLE.
-6-10-2.
-[ TRILLS ]
-IRON EAGLE.
[ OHHS ]
DAMN!
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-7-10.
[ LAUGHS ]
-7-10-2.
-WHAT IS ON THE LINE, BILL?
WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING FOR?
-WELL, THE STEPHEN CUP.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-STEPHEN COLBERT.
-THE COLBERT CUP, BILL.
THE STEPHEN CUP
IS WHAT I'M WEARING,
IN CASE I GET HIBY ONE OF THE BALLS.
-OKAY. OKAY.
-[ LAUGHS ]
UH-OH.
STAY AT THE NET,
RIGHT BEHIND THE KITCHEN LINE.
[ OHHS ]
-OOH!
-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
-10-7-1.
-LET'S FINISH IT OFF.
-EVERYTHING YOU GOT.
-PHIL SERVING MATCH POINT.
-COME ON, PHIL.
OOH!
OOH!
-OH, IS SHE GOOD.
-[ GRUNTS ]
-OH!
-POINT, GAME.
-SUGAR COMES UP EMPTY.
WHAT A LOW BLOW FOR HIM.
AND THAT ENDS THE MATCH.
-YOU ARE KILLER.
OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE HOW COMPETITIVE
YOU BOTH ARE.
-YOU ARE.
YOU STARED ME DOWN THERE.
-HOLY HELL.
-YOU STARED MEDOWN.
-BILL, CARI,
A GRIPPING MATCH THERE.
WATSON AND LEONARD
FOUGHT HONORABLY,
BUT, ULTIMATELY, K.O.'d
BY PHIL AND DIERKS,
WHO ARE STANDING BY IN THE
OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.
-HOW DOES IT FEEL, GUYS?!
LOOK WHO'S GOING TO THE FINALS!
-HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?
-I HAVE NO IDEA.
-IT'S JUST ALL A BLUR.
-YEAH.
-SUGAR RAY LEONARD WAS
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT,
SMASHING THOSE THINGS,
AND EMMA, I MEAN,
THE LOOK IN HER EYE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WAS INTIMIDATED.
-SHE WAS SHOOTING DAGGERS.
I MEAN, SHE WAS SHOOTING LIKE
JUST STAREDOWNS.
-DIERKS, PHIL,
DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?
-TO WIN.
-OKAY.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
-THERE IT IS. KEEP IT SIMPLE.
-GOOD LUCK, BOYS.
-THANK YOU.
-THANK YOU.
-NOT GOING TO NEED IT,
BUT THANKS.
-STEPHEN.
-THANK YOU,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.
HOW'S IT GOING AT HOME?
HAVE YOU WON YOUR FAMILY
"PICKLED" BRACKET YET?
WELL, AFTER YOU COLLECFROM YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDMA,
HOW ABOUT PAYING IT FORWARD
BY VISITING...
...AND COMING THEM IN ON SOME
OF THAT SWEET, SWEET ACTION?
NEXT UP, WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO
FACE DIERKS BENTLEY
AND PHIL KEOGHAN
IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.
PLUS, AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THE QUEEN OF DINK
HERSELF...
THE COLBERT CUP IS ON THE LINE.
...WILL CONTINUE.

-...WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.


-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
A LIGHT RAIN IS NOW FALLING
AS WE AWAIOUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,
BUT IT GAVE ME A CHANCE
TO SIT DOWN
WITH ONE OF OUR TOUGHESCOMPETITORS -- EMMA WATSON.
SHE GAVE EVERYTHING
SHE HAD TODAY.
PUT ON A HECK OF A SHOW.
SHE JOINS ME IN THE PERGOLA.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'M HONORED TO BE SITTING HERE
WITH A WOMAN WHOM MANY HAVE
CALLED THE QUEEN OF DINK.
-WOW!
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT?
-EMMA WATSON. EMMA, TELL ME,
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
YOU PLAYED SO BEAUTIFULLY TODAY.
THERE'S A LOT OF CHATTER HERE
AT "PICKLED" THAT,
WIN OR LOSE,
YOU'RE OUR MVP TODAY.
-REALLY?!
-ABSOLUTELY.
-THAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME CRY.
[ LAUGHS ]
-NOT ONLY -- NOT ONLY
WITH THE FEROCITY
OF YOUR PLAY...
-YES.
-...THE FIRE IN THE BELLY...
-YES.
-...BUT THE GRACE AND THE STYLE
YOU BROUGHT TO THE PLAY TODAY.
-UGH, STEPHEN!
-I MEAN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON
THE ENTIRE THING,
BUT, ULTIMATELY,
YOU WON SOMETHING HIGHER,
AND THAT'S THE HEARTS AND MINDS
OF THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT.
-I HAD, HONESTLY,
THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
LIKE GETTING TO PLAY A SPORWITH SUGAR RAY LEONARD.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
-THE CHAMP.
-I BROUGHT EVERYTHING TO THIS.
-WELL --
-IT WAS PERSONAL.
-EMMA --
-IT WAS VERY PERSONAL.
-YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON TONIGHT...
-I KNOW, I KNOW.
-IN A LARGER SENSE...
BUT YOU COULD STILL BE A WINNER,
IN THE END, BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,
WE'RE GOING TO SUBMIT TONIGHT'S
SPECIAL FOR AN EMMY.
-STOP.
-WE HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU
A MONOLOGUE.
IT'LL BE IN THE PROMPTER, LIKE
ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES ARE.
-OKAY. WOW.
-WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GIVE IT A SHOT?
-[ LAUGHING ]
I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE IT A SHOT.
-OKAY, SO, LET'S LET'S GET HER
PREPPED OVER THERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND NOW,
SWINGING FOR THE FENCES...
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
-MUM TO DEREK.
MUM TO DEREK.
DO YOU READ ME, SON?
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
WE BOTH KNEW
IT WAS A ONE-WAY TICKEWHEN I SIGNED UP
FOR THIS MISSION.
I CAME TO DEEP SPACE
TO FIND ALIEN LIFE,
BUT I FOUND SOMETHING EVEN MORE
MYSTERIOUS AND WONDERFUL.
I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOTHER.
BUT I AM MORE THAN THAT.
IT TOOK SPACE FOR ME TO FIND ME.
SO, WHENEVER YOU MISS ME,
JUST GAZE INTO THE STARS
AND KNOW THAT,
SOMEWHERE UP THERE...
...MY FROZEN BODY
IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU
AND SMILING.
OR GRIMACING.
GUESS IT DEPENDS ON THE FACE
I MAKE WHEN I FREEZE TO DEATH.
YEAH.
LOVE, MUM.
[ HUSHED ]
OVER.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS IT.
THE ROAD TO THE FINALS
HAS BROUGHT US ALL HERE,
TO THIS DAY,
THIS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,
THIS MOMENT TOGETHER.
THE COURT'S BEEN ZAMBONI'D,
OUR AUDIENCE
IS KNAWING EXCITEDLY
ON THEIR COMPLIMENTARY
CLAUSSEN PICKLE SPEARS,
AND ME?
ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT,
BILL, CARI.
THIS IS EXCITING.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE.
-LIKE HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE?
-LIKE ONLY ONE BUTT CHEEK IS
STILL ON
THE SEAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-THANKS, STEVE. IT IS TIME
FOR OUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!
WE BEGIN!
DIERKS HAS THE SERVE.
-THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE PICKLES.
-READY?
-0-0-2!
-I THINK [INDISTINCT]
THE KITCHEN.
-WHOA!
-SIDE OUT.
[ WHISTLING ]
-PHIL KEOGHAN THROWS AWAY
THE ADVANTAGE RIGHT THERE.
-OKAY.
-BILL, YOU THINK THIS MATCH
WILL BE WON IN THE KITCHEN?
-I DO.
HARRY NET RALLY --
THEY'RE VERY GOOD GETTING
TO THE LINE.
YOU CAN SEE RIGHT HERE.
-SOME GRADE A PICKLING HERE.
NO SURPRISE.
THESE ARE, APPARENTLY,
THE TWO BEST TEAMS.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-NICE.
-SECOND SERVER.
-PUNISHMENT DOWN THE MIDDLE.
RIGHT? THE PUNISHMENDOWN THE MIDDLE.
-WILL GETS JAMMED UP.
COSTLY MISTAKE.
GOT TO GET CLOSER
TO THAT LINE, WILL.
DIERKS AND PHIL TAKE ADVANTAGE.
-0-0-2.
-PUSHED BACK
INTO THAT BACK COURT.
-SIDE OUT.
[ WHISTLING ]
-WHERE DID THE CHEERING GO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-WHERE DID IT GO?
-TIG AND WILL LOOKING
FOR SOME SUPPORT FROM THE CROWD,
HYPING THEM UP.
-0-0-1.
-[ CHANTING ]
LET'S GO, TIG!
LET'S GO, TIG!
-THE CROWD IS CHANTING FOR TIG.
HARD TO SAY IF IT'S
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO
OR BECAUSE THEY WERE TOLD TO.
-THAT WAS CLOSE,
BUT A LITTLE LONG FROM TIG,
AND SHE KNOWS IT, TOO.
-THE SCORE?
-1-0-1?
-IF I HIT HIM, DOES IT COUNT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
-RIGHT HERE.
-RIGHT HERE.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-HARRY NET RALLY, 2.
PARTY TILL YOU CUKE, 0.
-GO EASY ON ME, DIERKS.
-SORRY.
I DIDN'T TRY TO DO THAT.
-2-0-1.
-DIERKS WITH THE SERVE.
WILL'S RETURN IS NICE.
-YEAH, HE'S REALLY DONE --
LOOK AT THIS.
-OH.
-WHERE THERE'S
A WILL FERRELL'S WILL,
THERE'S A WAY.
LET'S BREAK
AWAY FROM THE ACTION.
QUICK MESSAGE FROM JAIME CAMIL
AND AISHA TYLER.
-TO EVERYONE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.
-YEAH, SO, PLEASE, GO DONATE NOW
TO HELP CHANGE THE LIFE
OF A CHILD.
-GO TO...
-REALLY APPRECIATE THOSE TWO
LOSING FOR A GOOD CAUSE TODAY.
SPEAKING OF LOSING,
BACK TO THE FINAL,
WHERE DIERKS AND PHIL HAVE TAKEN
A COMMANDING 6-0 LEAD.
MAKE THAT 7-0.
-WOW! I AM SHOCKED.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
WHAT WE'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
-DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
-I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
WHAT WE'RE WATCHING.
WILL AND TIG, FORMIDABLE.
-MM.
WOW.
-FORMIDABLE!
AND, YET, WE'RE WATCHING THEM
-TIG JUST WATCHED THAT ONE
WALK BY.
-BE PICKED APART.
-8-0-2.
-OUT!
-PHIL SERVING.
-WE CALL IT OUT.
-A LONG WAY TO GO AT 8-0.
-I DO NOT BELIEVE
THAT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE
WILL NOT SCORE.
-[ GRUNTS ]
-OH, GOD.
-OOH.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-WILL IS JUST NOT COORDINATED.
DO YOU THINK, PERHAPS...
-FATIGUE.
-...HE'S -- YES, IT'S SET IN.
-FATIGUE.
-THIS IS ALL ABOUT CONDITIONING,
AT THIS POINT.
-IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT GETTING A MOVIE?
-YEAH, I DON'T -- I MEAN, IF WE
START GETTING SOME POINTS...
-INTERESTING.
WILL SEEMS TO BE DANGLING
A MOVIE ROLE FOR DIERKS,
IN EXCHANGE
FOR SOME POINTS HERE.
-9-0-2.
-QUID PRO QUO. I LIKE IT.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-NICE.
-KEOGHAN TAKES THE BAIT.
-SIDE OUT.
-THAT WAS NOT GOOD.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
-YEAH.
-THAT WAS TERRIBLE, PHIL.
-LET'S GO, PHIL!
-[ CHANTING ] LET'S GO, TIG!
-BOY.
-LET'S GO, TIG!
LET'S GO, TIG!
LET'S GO, TIG!
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY, 9.
PARTY TIL YOU CUKE, 0.
-I'D LOVE TO SEE THEM GEON THE BOARD HERE.
-THEY AT LEAST HAVE TO GEON THE BOARD.
-YEAH!
YEAH!
-NO!
-OH!
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT!
-WE GOT A POINT.
-BABE, WE'RE BACK.
-WE'RE BACK.
WE ARE BACK!
-I LIKE IT, WILL.
INDEED, THEY ARE.
THANKS TO WILL'S BACKHAND.
KEOGHAN JUST COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
WILL WITH THE SERVE.
-1-9-1.
[ CHEERING ]
-SORRY.
HE SET YOU UP.
HE SET YOU UP!
-WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
-LOOK WHAT HE DID!
HE SET YOU UP!
-WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
YOU KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE
A CHANCE.
-WITH A PARTNER LIKE WILL,
YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AN OPPONENT.
I MEAN, HE JUST SET YOU UP
LIKE THAT, SO BAD.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-I EXPECTED MORE OF YOU.
-TIG HAS THE SERVE NOW.
TEAM IS DOWN 1-9.
[ CHEERING ]
-THERE YOU GO.
-OH!
-OOH!
[ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT.
-DOWN THE MIDDLE,
SOLVE THE RIDDLE.
-SOLVE THE RIDDLE.
-STILL ALIVE.
-THEY ARE STILL ALIVE.
THEY WILL NOT GO QUIETLY
INTO THE NIGHT.
WE ARE WATCHING A COMEBACK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
BILL, WHAT'S THE SCORE?
-2, SERVER.
9, RECEIVER.
-NICE.
-OUT.
-YES.
-GOT EXCITED.
-POINT.
-WOW, THAT WAS BAD.
-THEY'RE STARTING TO CRUMBLE.
-LONG WAY TO GO.
-THAT WASN'T GOOD, DIERKS.
-2-9-2.
-[ LAUGHING ] 2-9-2.
-2-9-3 NOW.
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO.
-KEOGHAN NEEDS TO GET CLOSER
TO THAT KITCHEN LINE
AND STAY THERE.
-THIS IS WHERE THE -- OOH!
-WOW, THEY DID TALK.
-TIG.
-THEY DID TALK.
-[ LAUGHING ] LOOK AT TIG.
THE LOOK.
-ALMOST.
-THAT HURTS, TO SEE THE LACK
OF CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU TWO.
THAT BREAKS MY HEARA LITTLE BIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-SIDE OUT.
-NO, NO.
-SORRY, BABE.
-I'MSORRY, BABE.
-TWO POINTS AWAY.
-9-3-1.
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
-STAY BACK, STAY BACK.
STAY BACK, STAY BACK.
-ON THE LINE.
-NICE.
-WHOO!
-NICE.
NICE.
-OH!
-THAT MIDDLE THING
IS THE PROBLEM.
-OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN.
DIERKS PUTS IRIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.
IT'S ALMOST AS IF DIERKS BENTLEY
IS TRYINGTO WIN THIS.
-GUYS! GUYS!
-BACK TO THE COURT.
-YOU'VE SEEN MY WEAKNESS.
DON'T GO AFTER IT.
-WELL, HONESTLY,
THE FOREHAND SHOULD BE COMING
OVER TO CATCH --
POACHING, GOT TO POACH THAT.
-I DON'T KNOW IF MY MIC IS ON,
BUT TIG IS A HORRIBLE PARTNER.
-OH, I SEE.
WILL'S PLAYING THE BLAME GAME.
I GET IT.
-THANKS, BABE.
-WHO PAIRED ME WITH TIG?!
OH!
-GAME POINT RIGHT HERE.
-HERE WE ARE WITH DIERKS
AND PHIL.
SERVING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-YOURS.
-GET 'EM, WILL!
-THERE WE GO.
-OOH!
-LOOK AT THAT. OH, YEAH!
-OOH!
-THERE YOU GO.
OH, YEAH!
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-THAT'S IT.
[ FIREWORKS EXPLODING ]
HOLY SHOOT!
HOLY FARKING SHOOT!
-[ LAUGHS ]
-I'M SORRY!
-WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.
THE CHAMPIONS!
-WOW.
-THEY MAY HAVE ICED THE KICKER.
-THEY MAY HAVE, BUT I THINK
THEY WERE ICED A LONG TIME AGO.
-UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS IS ONE
FOR THE RECORD BOOKS
AND THE HISTORY BOOKS.
SEND THIS TAPE RIGHTO THE SMITHSONIAN.
-I THOUGHT THEY WERE SAYING PHIL
AND, ALL THIS TIME,
I JUST FOUND OUT IT WAS WILL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
-WHEN WE COME BACK,
THE PRESENTATION
OF THE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.
THIS IS CBS.

[ MARCH PLAYS ]
-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."
TODAY, WE'VE BORNE WITNESS
TO MOMENTS OF COURAGE,
DEVASTATING HEARTBREAK...
[ OHHS ]
...RAW EMOTION.
BUT ABOVE ALL,
THE TRIUMPH OF ENDURANCE,
FORTITUDE, AND GRACE.
NOW, PLEASE WELCOME
TO CENTER COURT,
FOR THE PRESENTATION
OF THE COLBERT CUP,
MR. STEPHEN COLBERT.
-THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BEFORE I BESTOW THIS TROPHY
UPON OUR TOURNAMENT'S CHAMPIONS,
I JUST WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THE HARD WORK,
RESILIENCE, AND DEDICATION
OF MY FELLOW BROADCASTERS,
CARI CHAMPION,
BILL RAFTERY,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
AND, OF COURSE,
HALF-SOUR HARVEY.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
LOOK AT THAT.
HALF-SOUR HARVEY'S GOT HIMSELF
A PAIR OF OOFOS.
AND IS IT JUST ME
OR DOES HIS MOOD SEEM
SIGNIFICANTLY BRIGHTER?
TALK ABOUT THAT OOFOS RECOVERY.
HARV IS FEELING THE OO.
I LOVE YOU, HARVEY.
YOU DESERVE EVERY HAPPINESS
IN THE WORLD.
WELL, WE'VE MADE
HISTORIC TELEVISION HERE TODAY
AND WE SHOULD ALL BE PROUD.
AND, AT THIS TIME, I WOULD LIKE
TO GIVE A MUCH SMALLER TROPHY
THAN THIS ONE TO OUR RUNNERS UP,
TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL.
COME ON IN.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THIS.
-THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
-YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ]
-HERE YOU GO.
-THAT'S THE ONE WE WANTED.
-IT'S THE NOT FIRST PLACE
TROPHY.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU DID YOUR BEST.
IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH
AND THIS TROPHY'S REALLY
JUST A REMINDER OF THAT.
-WE'RE SIMPLY NOT THE BEST.
-AND, IF YOU GUYS COULD GO,
I GOT TO GIVE THE BIG TROPHY
TO THE PEOPLE WHO WON.
-[ LAUGHS ]
-THANK YOU.
OFF YOU GO.
AND NOW, THE CHAMPIONS
OF "PICKLED" 2022 --
PHIL KEOGHAN AND DIERKS BENTLEY!
-YES!
-GENTLEMEN.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
[ TRIUMPHANT TUNE SOARS ]

CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE AGAIN,
TO PHIL KEOGHAN
AND DIERKS BENTLEY,
AND TO ALL THE STARS
WHO WORKED SO VALIANTLY
TO TURN THIS HOBBY INTO A SPORWORTHY OF A TELEVISED SPECIAL.
AND TO YOU, THE VIEWERS AT HOME,
FOR DONATING TO COMIC RELIEF.
REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH
OUR TOURNAMENT MAY BE OVER,
YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE
LIVES ON.
FROM EVERYONE HERE AT "PICKLED,"
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.