Pie in the Sky (2021) Movie Script

(crickets chirping)
(gentle music)
(clock ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
(gentle music continues)
(door opens)
(light switch clicks)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(light switch clicks)
(gentle music continues)
(book rustling)
(papers rustling)
(Mama exhales)
(gentle music continues)
(dishware clattering)
(pie tin clatters)
- Oh, shit!
(Mama exhales)
(Mama exhales)
(back cracks)
(pie tin shuffling)
(cupboard door closes)
(dishware clattering)
- Mama.
Mama, what the
hell are you doing
in here in the
middle of the night?
- Did I wake you?
- Playing the cymbals like
that? Of course you woke me.
(Mama exhales)
Are you all right? Do
you need something?
- Just go on back
to bed. I'm fine.
- Well, what are
you looking for?
- [Mama] Brown sugar.
- Brown sugar? At
4:10 in the morning?
- [Mama] Yep.
- Why?
- I need it.
- You need brown sugar
at 4:10 in the morning?
- That's right.
- Well, you've finally
lost it.
- Why don't you
go on back to bed?
- What are you doing?
- I'm making an apple pie.
- At 4:10 in the morning?
- That's right.
- Why?
- Because it's your birthday
and you like my apple pie.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.
But can't this wait 'til later?
- I'm 85 years old.
How much later do
you think I got?
- You're not going anywhere
for a while, trust me.
- Don't you be too
sure about that.
I have got a busy schedule.
- Can't you at least wait
'til the sun comes up?
- No. I can't!
I woke up this morning
knowing I needed
to make an apple
pie first thing.
And I'm gonna make an
apple pie first thing
if it's the last
thing that I do.
And if all you're
gonna do is criticize,
you can just go
right back to bed.
- All right.
- Hey, why don't you help me?
- Help you?
- Yeah, help me.
- It's 4:10 in the morning!
- We're both awake.
- Not by choice.
Besides, I don't know how
to make your apple pie.
- Well, it's about time you
learned, don't you think?
I'm not gonna be around here
to bake them for you forever.
- You are out of your mind.
- Grab those apples off
the top of the fridge.
- Good God almighty.
Well, can I at least
make some coffee first?
You got a running start
on me. I got to catch up.
- Do what you need to do. I'm
gonna go on about my business.
(Dory exhales)
(dial clicking)
(flame roaring)
(cutlery clattering)
- It's 4:10 in the morning,
you know that, don't you?
- No, it's not.
- Oh, yes, it is.
- No, it's not! It's 4:15.
(Dory laughs)
(spoon clinking)
- All right.
What can I do?
- Did you wash your hands?
- What am I, eight?
- There's a piecrust in
the bottom of the freezer.
Why don't you get that out?
- [Dory] Oh, you're not gonna
make a crust from scratch?
- Who the hell's got time to
make a crust from scratch?
I haven't done that since
you went through puberty.
I'd have to get up two hours ago
if I was gonna a make
a crust from scratch.
No, I'm not making a
crust from scratch.
Store-bought is just fine.
- Mama, this piecrust has been
in here for over two years.
- [Mama] That's all
right. It's still good.
- You sure it
hasn't gone rancid?
- [Mama] You know what
that's made out of?
- Yeah, flour and shortening.
- That's right. You
know what shortening is?
- What?
- Petroleum.
It's a fossil fuel.
If it can live in the middle
of the earth for
5 million years,
two more on my freezer's
shelf ain't gonna hurt it any.
- Oh, shortening's
not a fossil fuel.
- Suit yourself.
I don't have time to
quibble about facts
that may or may not be true.
- Where do you want this?
- Take it out of the
plastic and put it in here.
- All right, well, you
don't want it in the tin?
Look, it comes in a tin.
- Good God, no,
I don't want it in the tin.
Those flimsy aluminum
tins aren't worth squat.
You need a good solid glass
dish to make a piecrust.
Now, this is one of those
nine-inch piecrusts.
But we're gonna put it
in a 10-inch glass dish.
At least I think
this is 10 inches.
24 centimeters? What
the hell is that?
Is that...
10, 24...
Well, I don't care what
they say, this is 10 inches.
So put it in here in the
center and let it thaw.
- All right.
Okay. Like that?
- No, not like that,
that's not the center.
It's got to be in the center.
Because once it's thawed,
you're not gonna
be able to move it.
- But the crust doesn't reach
all the way to the edge.
- That's because
it's one of those
nine-inch crust
in a 10-inch pan.
But they always give you
more crust than you need.
Once it's thawed, we're
gonna press it out real thin.
If you don't press
it out real thin,
then it's just a thick crust.
And who the hell wants
a mouthful of crust?
Now, set that over there.
- All right. What about the tin?
- What about it?
- Want to save the tin?
- No, I don't want
to save the tin.
I don't need a tin.
Do you need a tin?
- No, I don't need a tin.
- Well, then get rid of it.
- All right.
(pie tin clatters)
- Now, the first thing I do
is I make my crumb topping.
(Mama exhales)
(knife clinking)
Now, into this little bowl,
I want you to put two
tablespoons of softened butter.
Now, I need to get my cups.
I need a half a cup,
a third of a cup, a...
(spoons clattering)
What are you doing?
- [Dory] I'm measuring
two tablespoons of butter
off this other stick so I can
get just the right amount.
- Oh, here, give that to me.
(Dory exhales)
Now, this is two
tablespoons of butter.
- Well, how do you
know that's exact?
- I don't. But
it's exact enough.
That's what two tablespoons
of butter look like.
I've been doing this
long enough to know
what two tablespoons
of butter looks like.
And that's it.
Now, to this two
tablespoons of butter,
I want you to add a
third of cup of flour.
- Third of a cup of flour.
- That's right, a third
of a cup of flour.
(refrigerator door closes)
Then we need a third of
a cup of brown sugar.
(spoon tapping)
- Third of a cup of brown sugar.
- [Mama] Are you packing it?
- Yes, I'm packing it.
- [Mama] Is it well-packed?
- Yes, it's well-packed.
- That's got to be well-packed
or you won't get enough.
- It's well-packed, Mother.
- All right, let's
see. All right.
Now, you've got your brown sugar
and your butter and your flour.
Not all recipes call for this,
but I like to throw in a
little bit of cinnamon.
- All right, let me get
you a measuring spoon.
- I don't need a measuring
spoon for the cinnamon.
That's enough cinnamon.
- Okay, how much is that?
- How the hell should I know?
It's enough, that's
all you need to know.
And then I take a fork and
I mash that butter right in
to the brown sugar and flour.
Now, some people
say you should cut
this butter in with a knife-
- What people say that?
- I don't know, the one's who
do it with a knife, I suppose.
But I don't like to do that.
I like to use a fork
so I can press that butter
right between the prongs.
Now, this is not a fast job.
Nor is it one for a weakling.
It demands strength
and time and patience.
- None of which you possess.
- That is correct.
And that is why I am passing
the torch along to you.
(Dory groans)
Now, mm.
You just keep breaking
down that butter
into the flour
and sugar mixture.
Just break it down. Push.
Push, push.
- I am pushing.
- Well, yes. And you are.
And that is the way
you get it done. Yeah.
- Oh, God.
Don't you have
something else to do?
You don't have to
keep doing that.
- I'm just trying to help.
- Don't you have
something else to do
besides look over my shoulder?
(kettle whistling)
- All right.
- And go over there and make
some coffee or something.
Finish the coffee.
(kettle continues whistling)
- You like my apple
pie, don't you?
- [Dory] Sure do.
- Well, that's a good thing,
because that's all you're
getting for your birthday.
I didn't buy you a gift.
- [Dory] That's all right.
- I thought about it.
- [Dory] That's nice.
- But I didn't get you anything.
- [Dory] I said
that's all right.
- 'Cause, you know, I
can't get to the store
unless you drive me, you know.
- I know.
- So how the hell am I
gonna buy you a surprise
when you're standing next to me
the whole time?
- Mama, I said it's all right.
- So, I'm baking you a pie.
- I know and I appreciate that.
- Are you done yet?
- [Dory] No, I'm not done.
You said it takes patience.
- Well, it does.
But, still, you should be
done by now.
- Well, I'm not.
(spoon clinking)
- I just didn't
want you to think
that I forgot your birthday.
- I didn't.
- Since I didn't get you a gift.
- Mama, let it go. All is well.
I'm having a very
happy birthday.
- You are?
- Yes, I am.
I really am.
- You sure don't look like it.
- I don't?
- No. You look
sort of pissed off.
- Mama, I'm fine.
- Is it 'cause I
didn't buy you a gift?
- Mama, stop it! I'm fine!
I don't need anything for
my birthday except you!
- You think I don't pick up
on your sarcasm, but I do.
- [Dory] God, Mama,
can we just cook?
You crazy old lady.
- What?
- I said you're
a crazy old lady.
(Mama laughs)
- Well, I'm not the
only one. (laughs)
Have you looked in
the mirror lately?
Happy 65th birthday, Grandma.
- I'm not a grandma yet.
The way things are going,
I probably never will be.
- Oh, you don't know.
Your daughter may
surprise you someday.
- Yeah, well, some
surprises I don't need.
Nah, Maggie's not
like you and me, Mama.
Maggie's an "independent
career type woman"
who won't know she wants
kids 'til it's too late.
Then she's gonna have some sort
of midlife crisis about it,
and the next thing you know,
she'll be living with
two hundred cats.
- Oh. (laughs)
- Yeah, well, thank God I won't
be around to see that, huh?
All right, here. How is that?
- That looks fine.
- You sure?
- Yep.
- All right. What
do I do with it?
- Just set it aside.
- Set it aside?
- Yeah, set it over there.
We're not gonna
use it for a while.
- We're not gonna use it?
- We're gonna use it, we're
just not gonna use it right now.
- Well, when are
we gonna use it?
- Last thing.
Right as the pie goes
into the oven.
- And when is that?
- Not for another
40 minutes or so.
- Why the hell did I go to
all this work now, then?
- Because it needed to be done.
- Is there an order to all this?
- Yes. This is the order.
- Are you sure about that?
- This is my pie, and I
get to choose the order.
And if you can't
follow directions,
you can just go
right back to bed.
- Oh, great.
- We need a large bowl.
(Dory groans)
A large bowl.
- Oh.
- And into that bowl, we're
gonna put white sugar,
brown sugar, flour,
nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt.
- [Dory] What about the apples?
- What about them?
- Aren't we gonna put
the apples in too?
- We're not putting
the apples in yet.
- Well, why not?
- Are you going to question my
recipe every step of the way?
- [Dory] Mm.
- We're gonna put the apples in;
we're just not putting
the apples in yet.
There is an order.
This is the order.
And now, we need a half a
cup of granulated sugar.
(spoon clatters)
- Oh! When did you
start using that word?
- What word? Shit?
- Yes. You shouldn't
be saying that.
- I'm 85 years old.
If I want to say the word
shit, I'll say the word shit.
- Well, I never use that word.
- Well, maybe you should.
Maybe you should try it
out every once in a while.
Might make you feel better.
- I feel fine.
- Feel better if you said
shit once in a while.
- Half a cup. This
is half a cup.
There. Boop.
- And now, we need a
quarter cup of brown sugar.
Now, not all recipes call for
this, and that's just stupid.
I don't know see
how you can make
an apple pie
without brown sugar.
And it's got to be well-packed.
Did I tell you that?
Now, look at this.
This is a well-packed
quarter cup of brown sugar.
A quarter cup of brown
sugar well-packed.
- All right, what is next?
- Now, we need a
quarter cup of flour.
- Wait! Whoa.
Aren't you gonna wipe
that off first?
- Wipe what off?
- Your quarter cup.
- My quarter cup's just fine.
- It's got brown sugar
stuck to the sides of it.
- A little brown sugar
never hurt anything.
Brown sugar just make
about any recipe better.
I can't think of a single meal
wouldn't be better
with brown sugar.
And if a little brown sugar
falls off in the flour jar,
then it'll just be a nice
little surprise for me
the next time I'm
baking something.
And now, we need a half
a teaspoon of cinnamon
and a half a teaspoon of nutmeg.
- [Dory] All right.
Let's see here.
(spoons clattering)
- No, not those.
- What?
- Those measuring spoons
won't fit in the spice pan.
Whose stupid idea
was that anyway?
Why would anybody ever
make measuring spoons
that won't fit in a spice can?
(spoons jingling)
- [Dory] Mm.
- You can't pour spices onto
a spoon, don't they know that?
Here, use this one.
- All right. Half a
teaspoon of cinnamon.
- Now, don't, whoa, don't
throw it in all in a clump.
Spread it out. Let
everybody get to know it.
That's the way.
All right, and now, half
a teaspoon of nutmeg.
- Nutmeg? What's the nutmeg do?
- I don't know. But I do
miss it when it's gone.
- All right.
- And we need some salt.
- How much?
- Oh, about that much.
- What was that?
- What?
- What did you just
put in there?
- I put in some salt.
- But you didn't measure it.
Was it a quarter teaspoon?
Was it a half a teaspoon?
- I don't know.
It was that much.
- God, Mama, how am I
supposed to learn your recipe
if you don't stick to a recipe?
- The recipe calls
for a dash of salt.
I put in what I
thought was a dash.
- Well, is a dash
always that much?
- No!
It depends upon the
day, and the time,
and how I'm feeling
at that moment.
Today, I felt like that much
was a dash. Good God almighty.
Grab a fork and stir all this
around 'til it's one color.
And you're gonna have to
break up that brown sugar.
(fork clattering)
What are you doing?
- Well, I'm breaking
up the brown sugar.
- Like that?
- You just told me to break up
the brown sugar, so I'm
breaking up the brown sugar.
- Like that?
- Yes, like that.
That's how I break up brown
sugar. What's wrong with that?
- That's just not
the way I do it.
- Oh, well, how do you do it?
- Well, I do it like this.
- Well, I don't
do it that way.
- Well, fine.
- Well, fine, then.
- Fine.
Wish I had that 60 seconds back.
- Right there. How's that?
- Is that all one color?
- Mostly.
- Mostly's not all one
color. I want one color.
It's got brown sugar and
cinnamon and flour and nutmeg,
it should come out beige.
I want one color.
Should come out beige.
- Oh, a beige is what you want,
then beige is what you'll get.
But some of this brown
sugar won't break up.
- I know. Don't worry about it.
I said don't worry about it.
- It won't break up.
- It'll just be a nice little
surprise for your mouth
when you bite into that bite
and get a little
extra brown sugar.
You see, that is one of the
nice things about brown sugar.
You just never know
what it's gonna do.
Sometimes, it's
not there at all,
other times, it just
kicks you in the teeth.
I just love brown
sugar. (laughs)
I can't think of a single meal
wouldn't benefit
from brown sugar.
- Shrimp scampi.
- [Mama] You could put brown
sugar in shrimp scampi.
- Oh, you can, huh?
- Sure.
- Yeah, well, why on earth
would you want to do that?
- [Mama] Why not?
- Tacos.
- Well, I suppose if you like
sweet tacos, you could...
(Mama laughs)
I see what you're trying to do.
You're trying to
catch me in a lie.
You're trying to
think of something
wouldn't be better
with brown sugar.
And I tell you this: you can
just stand there all day long,
you're not gonna come
up with anything.
- [Dory] All right,
how does this look?
- Now, that's all one color.
That looks fine.
Now, set that aside.
- Set this one aside too?
- Yeah, we don't
need it right now.
- God, why am I
doing all this work
we don't need done right now?
- Because you need to
prep things ahead of time.
That's what we're doing,
we're prepping
things ahead of time
so that when we need
them, they're ready.
Good God, I'm glad you
never worked for NASA,
we'd have never found
ourself on the moon.
All right. Now, it's magic time.
It's time for us
to get doing this,
get everything cleaned up.
Wait, what are you
doing with those cups?
- What?
- Those cups.
What are you doing
with my measuring cups?
- Well, I'm putting
them in the sink.
- Why? They're not dirty.
- Well, they've got flour
and cinnamon on them.
- Well, just blow on them.
It'll come right off.
It's just powder. We
don't need to wash them.
- Fine.
- I mean, now, if it were wet,
if it were corn syrup or
vanilla, well, sure, wash them.
But dry goods are fine.
Dry goods are dry.
That's why they're
called dry goods.
'Cause they're good
when they're dry.
- All right. All right.
- And now, the apples. Woo-hoo.
Grab those apples and
bring them over here
to the table so we can
peel them, will you?
- Peel them? Peel them where?
- Right here on the table.
- We're gonna peel the apples
right there on the table?
- That's right.
- Well, where are
the peels gonna go?
- [Mama] Right
here on the table.
- You're gonna put the peels
right there on the table?
- What have I been saying?
- [Dory] The peels are
gonna go all over the table.
- That's right. It's a table,
it's not a Mercedes Benz.
We're cleaning it all
up when we're done.
- Right.
- Now, we need eight cups
of sliced apples,
which translates into
about six or seven.
But you know what I do?
- I hesitate to ask.
- I use eight.
- Of course you do.
Why do you do that?
- 'Cause they cook down.
Now, if you use those
abnormally large,
genetically-altered apples
from the grocery store,
then you probably
only need about five.
But I like to use these smaller
ones in the five-pound bag,
they're sweeter
than those others.
- You're a genius.
- I know.
- Mm-hmm.
What kinda apples are these?
- McIntosh. I won't use
anything but McIntosh.
Now, your Aunt Sylvia
swore by Granny Smith.
But those apples are
just too damn tart.
Not that your Aunt Sylvia
and I saw eye-to-eye
on most things anyway.
Okay, we got two, four,
six. We need two more.
No. That one's got a dent in it.
- So?
- Well, if you use an apple
with a dent in it, you
lose a whole bite of pie.
- All right, there.
- All right.
Now there's eight.
Now, we need the knife,
the peeler, and the corer.
- The what?
- The corer.
- The corer?
- The corer that you core
the apples with.
- Oh, the apple slicer.
- Well, if you knew what it
was, why'd you just keep asking?
(Dory chuckles)
(utensils clattering)
Now, you take the corer,
the apple slicer, and
you core those apples.
And then I'll core these.
- All right.
- Whew.
(Mama exhaling)
You know, I made an
apple pie just like this
on the day you were born.
- Did you really?
- I just said I did.
Must have been some kinda
nesting instinct or something.
- Nesting instinct. You
had a nesting instinct.
- Well, sure I did.
I think we all do.
At least subconsciously.
And I would not leave,
I had to have the
house all cleaned up,
I had to have everything wrapped
up, everything organized,
before my life changed forever.
And I would not leave
for the hospital
'til that pie came
out of the oven.
- Was Daddy angry?
- Your father? Oh,
he wasn't here.
Your grandmother, my mother,
took me to the hospital.
"Get in the car,
Margaret," she said.
"Forget about that damn pie!"
- [Dory] Where was Daddy?
- Oh, he was somewhere,
I don't know.
- [Dory] You don't remember?
- Well, that pie
came out of the oven,
your grandmother
hustled me into the car.
"Get in the car,
Margaret," she said.
"Keep your legs crossed
for God's sakes!" (laughs)
We got to that hospital.
You were born 30 minutes later.
- Do you remember that?
- Oh, like it was yesterday.
I don't remember
all that much pain,
although they said I
screamed my fair share.
But I remember that nurse.
When it was all over, she
handed you to me and she said,
"Why, she's just as
cute as a sugar cookie."
So, I called you Cookie
those first few weeks.
You probably don't remember.
But your grandmother
put a stop to that.
- So, you named me after
her instead, then, huh?
- No, she named you after her.
I kept calling you Cookie.
- You always said that
you named me Dorothy.
- Well, I lie a lot.
- But you also said I was a
good baby. Is that a lie too?
- You were great
in still photos.
In real life, you
were loud as hell.
(Mama laughs)
- Well, I get that from you.
- Oh, and you couldn't
stand being left alone.
As long as I was in the room,
you were happy as a clam.
But if I had to leave to go
to the bathroom or take a pee,
you screamed so loud
you woke the neighbors.
Finally, I just took
to carrying you with me
every place I went.
- I must have liked
your company back then.
- I must have liked yours too.
Wait a minute.
- What?
- There's core on that piece.
- There's what?
- There's core on that
slice of apple.
You can't put core in a pie.
Nobody likes core in their pie.
- That little bit? Is
that really gonna matter?
- Gonna matter? Where
were you raised?
I have never fed you core
one time in your life.
And I'm certainly
not gonna start now.
Now, you get a knife
and you cut that out.
- All right. All right.
- And you be careful
with that knife.
Don't get blood in my pie.
- I'm not gonna get
any blood in your pie.
- Well, you would
if you cut yourself.
- I'm not planning
on cutting myself.
- Well, that's good thing.
Because we're gonna have enough
to clean up around
here as it is.
I don't need your
cold, lifeless body
at the same time
to be cleaning up.
Wait a minute.
There's stem on that one.
You can't put stem in pie.
Nobody wants stem in their pie.
Good God in heaven. Where'd
you ever learn to cook?
- From you.
- You didn't learn that from me.
I have never put stem in my pie.
- All right, look, you
worry about your apples
and I'll worry about mine.
- No, I'm gonna worry
about all the apples
'cause this is my pie.
- I thought it was my pie. I
thought it was for my birthday.
- It's not your pie yet.
It's my pie right now.
It's not your pie 'til
it comes out of the oven.
And then you can do whatever you
damn well please with it.
- All right.
Well, I am done
coring my apples.
- Well, good. Then, now,
you can do those, would you?
- Those are your apples.
- Good God, you've
got 20 years on me.
Can't you do a
little extra work?
(faucet running)
I haven't had a bowl
movement in three weeks.
- [Dory] Oh, good God,
Mama. Are you all right?
- I don't eat as much
as I used to either.
- Well, that's probably 'cause
there's no place to put it.
What else is going on with
you that I should know about?
- Nothing.
- Well, maybe we should have
you checked out later today.
- I don't need to
be checked out.
- Well, maybe you do.
- Well, maybe I don't.
Last thing I need is some young
doctor sticking his fingers
up my butt trying to figure
out what's slowing things
down up there.
- Well, it couldn't hurt.
- Ha, I'm not too
sure about that.
- No, I just meant that
it wouldn't be a bad idea.
- Well, just make sure
he's good-looking,
that's all I can say. (laughs)
- Maybe he'll look like Daddy.
- Oh, God, I hope not.
(Dory laughs)
- I just meant, maybe he'll
be suave and debonair.
- Well, if he's
suave and debonair,
he won't be anything
like your daddy.
- Now, Mama, stop it.
- Your daddy was an idiot.
- Stop it. Daddy
wasn't an idiot.
- Only an idiot could die
the way your daddy died.
- Mama, stop it.
Dying in a farming mishap
doesn't make somebody an idiot.
- Your daddy drank himself
to death. That was no mishap.
- Drank himself to death?
You always told me me
that died because of
a machine malfunction.
- The machine malfunctioned
because he was
drunk off his ass.
He was driving a hay baler
on a farm in Amarillo
while intoxicated.
Lost control, fell
into the machine,
and was spit out the
other end wrapped up
like a happy little package.
By the time they unbaled him,
he was dead as a doornail.
That never would have
happened if he had been sober.
- I never knew that.
- Yep. Your daddy was a drunk.
- But you told me it was
a machine malfunction.
- A hay baler is a machine.
- But you didn't
tell me the truth.
Why didn't you tell me
the truth before now?
- Why would you want
to know the truth?
Weren't you happier
thinking your daddy died
a noble death working the land,
instead of knowing he
was a drunken idiot?
The truth isn't
always the truth.
The truth is what
you believe it to be.
- So, you lied to me?
- That's why most families lie,
to protect the innocents
with ignorance.
Are you done there?
- Yes, I'm done.
- Oh, good.
Then it's time to peel.
Now, this is how I do it.
I take the peeler in one hand,
I take a slice in this hand-
- All right.
Thank you. I know
how to peel things.
I have peeled things before.
- All right, Miss Bossy-Boots,
I was just trying to
give you a few pointers.
- Yeah, well, I
think I can manage.
- Thank you.
- I can't believe
you lied to me.
- It was for your own good.
- Well, shouldn't I be
able to decide that?
- No.
(Dory exhales)
(Dory exhales)
- This is time-consuming.
- What, you've got
someplace else to be
at four in the morning?
- Well, yeah, in bed.
- [Mama] Ha.
- Did you know-
- Mm?
- Aunt Lucy is in the hospital?
- Your father's sister?
- Yeah.
- I didn't even know
she was still alive.
- Oh, yeah, 92 years old.
- Whew.
- Been living in Temecula
this whole time.
- Hmm.
(Dory chuckles)
- Yeah, I called Cousin Mavis
at the hospital this morning
and I said, "Mavis, what
is wrong with your mama?"
And she said...
Know what she said?
- What?
- "She's old."
(Mama laughs)
- That about sums
it up, doesn't it?
God, Lucy Garlifini. I haven't
thought about her in years.
- Lucy Gannon, Mama, we're
talking about Daddy's sister.
- Huh.
I didn't know you
were still in touch
with that side of the family.
- It's the only side left.
We visited them when we
took the kids to Disneyland.
- Disneyland?
- Yeah.
- That's got to be 20 years ago.
- Oh, no. More than 20.
That was the last
family vacation
we took before the accident.
All four of us driving
from Texas to California
in that Volkswagen Vanagon.
Living and eating
and sleeping together
for two weeks in that van,
boy, I thought I was
gonna lose my mind.
Louis said, "Oh, it'll be just
like living in a motor home."
Well, Louis was wrong.
A Volkswagen Vanagon
is not a motor home.
(Mama laughs)
Far as I can tell,
it's not much more than
a twin bed on wheels.
- Oh, Lord.
- But it got us there and back.
Anyway, we visited Aunt Lucy
and Cousin Mavis on that trip.
- Mm.
(dog barking)
You've got a bruise on that one.
- Yeah, I see it. I'll
just peel it away.
- Well, don't peel
away too much.
You won't have any apple left.
- Oh, God, what kinda
idiot do you think I am?
- I don't know, what
kind of an idiot are you?
- Mavis was so
calm on the phone.
I swear, sometimes, I
wonder if she's got a pulse.
I said, "Mavis, aren't you
worried about your mama?"
She said, "Well, what's
there to be worried about?
I don't know anything yet.
I suppose if the doctors tell me
she's got cancer or something,
then I'll be worried.
But until then, I'm
just gonna sit here
and eat my tuna sandwich."
- Oh, God.
- That's what she said.
(both laughing)
Oh, boy, she's a
better woman than I am,
that's all I can say.
Oh, but I don't know,
maybe she's right.
Maybe it's better to just
wait for things to happen
and then deal with them.
The only one who suffers
from worrying is the worrier.
'Cause I've been worrying
about you for 20 years.
It hasn't gotten me a thing.
- Well, maybe you
learned your lesson.
(Dory chuckles)
All right, now that
we got some peeled,
it's time to take a few minutes
before they turn
brown and slice them.
Now, you want to
slice them like this.
Nice and thick.
No, that's too thin.
- Oh, okay.
Like that?
- No, thick!
- That is thick.
- No, I mean thick.
Like your head.
- All right, well, why
slice them at all, then?
Why not just cover
an apple in crust
and bake the whole damn thing?
(Mama laughs)
- Don't be sassy. (laughs)
You don't wear
sassy well. (laughs)
All right, once you've got
some peeled and sliced,
it is now time for the
flour and sugar mixture.
- Oh, now we're gonna use it.
- Woo-hoo.
(Mama laughs)
Now, after they're
peeled and sliced,
you throw them in here, and
you get them all well-covered.
- All right.
- Stir them around there.
Get them all well-covered.
There you go.
Get them all covered up.
- [Dory] Okay.
- And then you go back
to peeling and slicing.
Peel, slice, stir, repeat.
Peel, slice, stir, repeat.
- Yeah, you've got quite
a system here.
- Yes, I do,
and don't you tamper with it.
All right, I am going to
cover up that brown sugar
so that it don't get hard.
- [Dory] All right.
(Mama exhales)
- Oh.
- [Dory] Mama?
- Oh.
- What is it?
- I'm dizzy.
- Okay, all right.
Shh, shh, shh.
Here, come sit right down here.
Right there, right
there. Right there.
Okay. All right.
Did you take you blood
pressure medicine?
- I don't know. I think so.
- [Dory] All right,
all right. Where is it?
- In the bathroom.
- Okay.
All right, you're just gonna
sit here now and keep still.
And I'll be right back.
(Mama exhaling)
(no audio)
(Mama exhales)
(Mama exhales)
(floor creaking)
(Mama exhales)
Why am I in here?
- My pills.
(Dory gasps)
- Oh, right.
(Mama exhales)
(Mama exhales)
What are you doing over there?
- Well, I figured as
long as I was gonna die,
I should be in a comfortable
chair with my feet up.
- You're not gonna die.
Here. Take one of these.
Yeah, okay. Now, just
sit here a while.
You see, this is what
you get when you wake up
at four o'clock in the
morning to make a pie.
Your whole system
gets out of whack.
All right, now you're
just gonna sit there,
and I will finish these.
(Mama exhales)
(Mama exhales)
(Dory grunts)
(Dory exhales)
- I am scared of dying.
- You're not gonna die, Mama.
- Well, I am someday.
And it scares me.
- Well, don't think about it
then. Let's change the subject.
- Don't think about
it? I'm 85 years old.
What else is there
to think about?
- Well, let's talk about Howard.
- Howard's dead.
- Mama. All right, let's
talk about your friends.
- My friends are all dead.
(Dory exhales)
- Mama, stop it.
They're not all dead.
What about Carolyn
Wicker? She's not dead.
- She might as well be.
Ever since that
stroke last year,
she can't walk, she can't
talk, and she does is drool.
That's not living.
- Yeah, you're right about that.
- Just when you get
everything figured out,
everything starts to fall apart.
Getting old just sucks.
- [Dory] Oh, I know it.
- You?
Oh, you haven't even started
to age yet. Just you wait.
First, you start farting
for no reason at all.
And then, every time you
laugh, you pee your pants.
Parts of your body start to ache
you didn't even know you had.
Yeah, getting old
is just a hoot.
Then you forget things,
you can't sleep,
and then you find yourself awake
in the middle of the
night making an apple pie.
And suddenly, it
all makes sense.
And you go, "Yeah,
uh-huh, that's right."
As far as I can see,
the only good thing
to come out of aging is I no
longer have to have my period.
Good God almighty, if
I had to fool with that
at this stage of my life,
I think I'd just take out a gun
and shoot myself in the head!
There's peel on that slice.
- There's what?
- [Mama] There's peel
on that slice of apple.
- Oh, just a sliver.
You can barely see it.
- [Mama] I can see it from
all the way over here.
There's no slivers
of peel in my pie.
If you want slivers
of peel in your pie,
you should make
your own damn pie.
- Seems to me I am
making my own damn pie.
So, I'm gonna leave
that little sliver
of peel right on there.
Then when I come across it,
when I bite into that
little sliver of peel,
I'm gonna say, "Mm-mm.
Do you taste that
little sliver of peel?
Boy, is that yummy."
(fork clattering)
- You've got a real attitude
problem there, you know that?
- [Dory] God.
(Mama exhales)
- What were we talking about?
- I don't remember.
- Oh, gosh.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right.
- Are you lying?
- Yep.
- Well, you just sit
there for a while.
(Mama exhales)
These spells have
become more frequent.
- Have they?
- You know they have.
This is the third one this week.
- Fourth. I didn't
tell you about one.
- Well, maybe we should
have your medicines checked.
Maybe they should up the dosage,
or change it all together.
- Oh, maybe.
- Yeah, we'll tell them about it
when we go and see
them later today.
I'll call and make
an appointment
after the rest of
the town wakes up.
- It's not gonna do any good.
- What do you mean, of
course it will do some good.
What do you mean by that?
- I'm dying, Dory.
- You're old, Mama,
you're not dying.
- One leads to the other.
- Not today, it doesn't.
I swear to God, Mama, if you
spoil my birthday by dying,
you will never
hear the end of it.
- You know what would
make me feel better?
- I shudder to think.
- If you find a
man before I died.
- Oh, for me or for you?
- Well, I wouldn't
mind one for myself,
but it'd probably kill me.
- Well, if you're dying anyway,
you might as well
go out with a bang.
- No, I mean for
you, you need a man.
- Mama, I do not need a man.
- Well, you need somebody.
I'm not gonna be around here
to look after you
forever, you know.
- Look after me? I'm
here looking after you.
- You are?
- Yes.
- Well, you're not doing
a very good job, then.
- What does that mean?
- Well, look at me.
- You look bright
and sunny to me.
- Well, I don't feel
bright and sunny.
- [Dory] Yeah, well, just
wait for that medicine
to start working, you'll be
dancing around here in no time.
- I don't mean physically,
I mean up here.
Getting old is depressing.
Life used to be so easy.
When I was younger, and I mean
just a couple of years ago,
I'd do things without
even thinking about it.
But life's gotten
more difficult lately.
It's a lot of work just
to get through a day now.
And sometimes, my body
just feels so heavy,
I think I'm not gonna be able
to carry myself around anymore.
And that's depressing.
That's not gonna get any better,
that's just gonna get worse.
But there is one thing that
would make me really happy.
- [Dory] Oh, Mama.
- You can't deny an old,
dying woman's last request.
- Mama, I'm not gonna
hook-up with some fella
just to make you happy.
- I'd do it for you.
- Look, if you want
to see me with a man,
then stare at that picture
of me and Louis over there
'cause short of buying a puppy,
that's as close to a hairy
chest that I'll ever get again.
- Oh, I hate a hairy
chest on a man. Ugh.
Just creeps me out.
I like them smooth
and tall and tan.
(Dory chuckles)
- Looks like somebody's
medicine's starting to kick in.
(both chuckling)
- Oh, you dropped one
there on the floor.
- Oh, I know I dropped
one. I'll get it.
(Dory grunts)
- [Mama] Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
- I'm gonna throw it away.
- [Mama] What do you mean
you're gonna throw it away?
- Just what I said.
I dropped this slice on the
floor, the floor is dirty,
I'm gonna to throw it away.
- No, whoa, wait, whoa.
- What are you doing?
Just sit down, Mama.
No, hey, Mama, don't.
(faucet running)
- There.
Good as new.
You were going to throw
away perfectly good apple.
Who raised you?
- You raised me.
- Well, I did a
horrible job, then.
- [Dory] Fine, fine. Whatever.
- No daughter of mine
should be throwing away
perfectly good apple just
because it fell on the floor.
When I was little,
we are our food
right off the floor.
- Oh, you did not.
Stop it.
- And we were happy about it.
- [Dory] Would you go sit down?
- Now, that looks good.
There are some thick
ones. That's very good.
- [Dory] Yeah, that's
because I'm tired
as hell of doing
this and I figured
that if I made them bigger,
then they would be done sooner.
- Well, what about this one?
- Yeah, I got a little
thin with that one.
(Mama laughs)
- That looks like a potato chip.
- It'll add
character to the pie.
- My pie does not
need character.
- Give me that. Here.
(Dory humming)
(Mama humming)
- You have no respect
for tradition, do you?
- Okay, I am making a pie at
four o'clock in the morning.
I don't think that's
part of the tradition.
So, please, just sit down.
- You know, you
can't make a good pie
unless your heart's not in it.
(Dory exhales)
That's a fact.
- Thank you.
(knife tapping)
(Mama exhales)
- When was the last time
you heard from Maggie?
- Maggie? My Maggie?
- Your daughter.
You remember her?
- Gosh. I don't know.
- Oh, no reason.
I was just thinking
about her last week.
- God, let me think.
Maggie and I, we
haven't spoken in,
well, I guess it's got
to be two years now.
- Oh, don't you miss her?
- Of course I miss her.
- Well, why haven't
you called her, then?
- Then why hasn't she called me?
When she was little, we
used to talk all the time.
We'd talk about which
boys she had a crush on
or what her interests were.
But ever since the accident,
the gaps between our talks
just keep getting
bigger and bigger and...
God, after Louis and
Michael were gone,
when it was just the
two of us in the house,
she could go days at a
time without talking to me.
The bottom line is, Mama,
she doesn't like me anymore.
- Now, that is ridiculous.
- No, that's true.
I know it's true.
Oh, God, it's funny, isn't it?
I haven't spoken to
her in over two years.
And I think about her every day.
- Well, it can't last forever.
Silence was made to be broken.
Pull your sleeve down.
- What?
- Pull your sleeve down.
I can see them. You know
how I hate seeing those.
- I'm sorry.
(Dory exhales)
So sorry.
All right. This is
the last of them.
(dog barking)
- All right, then.
- There we go.
- Just stir those all in.
- Okay.
- Get them going there.
Another one.
- Okay.
- Now, get them covered up.
- Okay, I think they're
stirred in and well-covered.
- I think that
looks pretty good.
- All right, good.
Well, you like that, huh?
- I think you did a fine job.
- Thank you very much.
- And now-
(Dory snorts)
- No.
- Set that aside.
(both laughing)
- You've got to be kidding me.
Are we ever gonna put
this thing together?
- Yes. But set that aside.
First, we have to
deal with that crust,
which is now nicely thawed.
- Okay. (chuckles)
- Now, we're gonna
take this crust
and we're gonna squoosh
it all the way out
to the sides of the dish.
- Okay.
- And make it real thin.
- Okay. Okay.
Like that?
- Even thinner.
- Mm. Okay.
- That's right, I'm not lying.
- Okay.
- And this ridge part
up at the top, just
press that out flat.
- [Dory] Uh-huh.
- And then, if you
get any holes in it,
you just mush them together.
- Oh, this is gonna make
for a very thin piecrust.
- Well, you need
a thin piecrust.
- Okay.
- There you go.
If you get any holes in the
bottom, you just mush them
back together.
- Okay.
- Once it starts cooking,
it's gonna melt itself
together anyway.
Now, there you go.
I got to tell you-
(Dory laughs)
There is your piecrust.
- Oh, my.
- Woo-hoo!
- Well, I have to say,
that was a lot easier than
making one from scratch.
- Damn anything's easier
than making one from scratch.
Hell, I'd give birth
again before I do that.
(Mama laughs)
- Okay, let me guess,
you want me to set this
aside now, don't you?
- No, Miss Smarty Pants.
I want you to take this piecrust
and set it in the freezer.
- In the freezer?
- That's right.
- We just took it
out of the freezer.
Why are we putting it back in?
- 'Cause it bakes up
better if it's chilled.
- Why?
- I don't know, it just does.
I don't know the
scientific reason.
But the crust comes out flakier
if the shortening is chilled.
- You're pulling my leg.
- Why the hell would
I pull your leg
over something as stupid
as chilling a piecrust?
- God only knows.
- This is the way my
mama did it before,
it's the way I do it now.
- All right, then.
Back into the freezer it goes.
- And now, we need to
deal with this oven.
It needs to be preheated
to 425 degrees.
- Okay.
425 degrees.
(dial clicks)
- All right, now.
You are ready now for the
biggest secret of all.
Are you ready? This is
just gonna blow your mind.
- [Dory] It is, huh?
- Grab that big skillet
out of the drawer.
- Okay. This one here?
- That's the one.
- [Dory] Okay.
- Can you guess what
we're gonna do with that?
- Can it get us arrested?
- We're gonna preheat the
apples on top of the stove.
(Mama laughs)
- That's it?
That's your big secret?
- It's a pretty big secret.
Don't you tell anyone.
- Who would I tell? So what,
we're not gonna bake this pie?
- Of course we're gonna bake
it, it's a "baked apple pie."
But if you just take
those raw apples,
and stick them in the crust,
and put it in the oven,
those are gonna
come out crunchy.
And we want them to
be soft but firm.
- Well, why don't you
just bake it longer?
- Because then the
crust would burn.
So, my little secret is
to pre-cook the apples
on top of the stove.
- Oh.
If Hitler had known this,
he might have won that war.
- If you pre-cook the apples,
they come out al dente.
- Al dente?
- It's an Italian word.
- Yes, I'm familiar
with the word,
I've just never heard it
applied to apples before.
- Oh, al dente can
refer to lots of things.
Matter of fact,
Howard and I once had
a bed that was al dente.
- Soft but firm.
- That's right.
(Dory chuckles)
In fact, oftentimes,
when we were in the
bed, we were al dente.
I was soft and he was firm.
- Let's just keep
cooking, all right?
- What's the matter?
Have you lost your sense
of humor all of a sudden?
- Just trying not to throw up.
- You're no fun at all anymore.
Now, get us some butter.
We need two tablespoons of
butter right here in this pan.
- All right.
That looks like two
tablespoons to me.
- All right. There you go.
There is hope for you yet.
(both laughing)
Now, we just need to wait
for that butter to melt
and cover the bottom of the pan.
- Oh, boy.
You know who would
have loved this pie?
- Who's that?
- Michael.
Oh, Michael loved your cooking.
- Yes, he did.
(Dory exhales)
- Oh, I miss him.
- I know you do. So do I.
- Mm. I still dream
about him, you know.
(Dory chuckles)
And when I do, he's
always eight years old.
I don't know why, he always is.
Just is.
My Little Fellow, oh,
that's what called him,
my Little Fellow.
Never even saw 15.
- He was a good boy. You
really raised a good boy, Dory.
- You think so?
- Might have been gay,
but he was a good boy.
All right.
Your butter is melting,
your oven is preheating,
it is time to make
Mama's Apple Pie!
Now, grab that piecrust
out of the freezer
and put it here in
your 425-degree oven
for exactly five minutes.
- You want me to put
this in the oven?
- For exactly five minutes.
- There's not a damn thing
in this piecrust, woman.
You know that, don't you?
- Oh, ye of little
culinary skill.
If you don't pre-cook
that piecrust a little,
it's gonna come out
mushy instead of crisp.
And we want it to be crisp.
So, my little secret is to
give it a little headstart
in the oven for the
same five minutes
that we're pre-cooking the
apples on top of the stove
for the same five minutes.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, if you
would've pre-cooked
all this last night,
we'd be done by now.
- You have a very short
fuse, you know that?
Now, quick as a bunny,
grab those apples
and pour them right here
on top of this butter.
- Right there on
top of the butter?
- [Mama] That's right.
- All right.
- And get all that flour and
sugar mixture in there with it.
(apples sizzling)
There you go.
Now, on a medium-low flame,
we're gonna slowly saute
those apples for five minutes.
- Oh, the same five minutes
that the crust is in the oven.
- That's right.
- Yeah, you just said
that a minute ago.
You're starting to
repeat yourself.
- I only said it
once, you repeated it.
I'm just agreeing with you.
(Dory chuckles)
Now, stir all that around,
don't let it get
stuck to the bottom.
That sugar'll just
turn to asphalt
if you don't keep it moving.
- Okay.
- Now, smell that.
Take a whiff.
- [Dory] Mm.
- The brown sugar and
the flour and the butter
and the cinnamon and the juice
from those apples
are mixing together
to create an aromatic glaze
that is simply to die for.
You smell that?
- I smell that.
- Is that not to die for?
- That is to die for.
- Making this pie
reminds me of my mama.
She taught me this recipe,
and now I'm passing
it along to you.
And someday, you'll
pass it along to Maggie.
- Maggie doesn't cook, Mama.
Maggie's a poster child
for the fast food industry.
- Oh, you don't know.
Someday, she may
get her act together
and get married and have kids
of her own, you don't know.
- Yeah, someday, she may do
a hell of a lot of things
but come visit me
or give me a call,
that's not gonna be among them,
I can tell you that right now.
- You don't know.
Everybody matures
at their own pace.
Keep stirring. Stirring.
- Okay. It's got nothing
to do with maturity, Mama.
She resents me,
that's the problem.
- Well, everybody gets over
their resentments in time.
I think age does that to
you. Maggie's no different.
She just needs a little
more time, that's all.
- Mama, Maggie is 35 years old.
How much more time does she get?
Now, what it is, is
that she blames me
for the accident.
- I know.
- Which is just ridiculous
because it wasn't my fault.
But damn if I can
convince her of that.
- Well, she can't
blame you forever.
- Well, I think
that's her intention.
Last I heard, she was
dating a man twice her age,
and I know it's
just to piss me off.
All right, maybe
it's just some sort
of father-figure substitute
type thing, I don't know.
Here, how does that look?
- Now, that looks fine.
Turn off your flame now.
Let those just sit there
while your crust finishes.
We can clean up a little bit.
- Boy...
(faucet running)
Louis was a better father
than I was a mother.
- Oh, what a thing to say.
- Maggie used to tell me that.
- Well, if she'd said that to
me, I'd'a slapped in the face.
- Yeah, well, I would have too
if I didn't think she was right.
See, Maggie had a
bond with her daddy
that I just never could match.
But I tried.
I tried to fill that void, hmm?
After Louis was gone, I
tried being her sister.
Tried being her friend. What
I couldn't be was her daddy.
And, God, that's
what she needed.
That's what she wanted.
- You did your best you could.
That's all anybody
can ask of you.
And I think she's gonna come
around in time. I really do.
Everybody ripens when the sun
comes up. She'll ripen too.
- Who are you all of a
sudden, the Dalai Lama?
The sun comes up and
everybody ripens?
What the hell does that mean?
- Means I'm a genius.
(timer ringing)
There's the timer. All
right, let's make a pie!
Grab some mitts and get that
piecrust out of the oven
and set it right there.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- There you go.
And now, quick as a bunny,
grab those apples and
pour them in here on top.
- [Dory] Right there on top?
- Right here on top.
- [Dory] Okay.
- There you go.
Get all that flower and sugar
mixture in there with it.
There you go.
Now, you want to get that
in there and spread it out,
you don't want any
mountains in the middle.
'Cause your crumb topping
needs a flat surface,
so you need it nice and flat.
Are you hearing me? Flat.
- Yeah, that is flat.
- Does that look flat to you?
- Yeah, that's flat.
- That's not flat.
- Sure, it's flat.
- What's that?
- All right, (groans)
it's not entirely flat.
There. Ooh!
- When I say the word flat,
what does it mean to you?
I say flat, do you think pancake
or do you think porcupine?
- I know what flat is, Mother.
- I don't think you do.
Otherwise, that'd be
flat. Give me that to me.
Now, this is flat.
Get your crumb topping
and bring it over here.
(Dory gasps)
- My God, the Holy Grail,
the time has finally come
for my crumb topping.
- Oh, why don't you
stop talking about it
and get over here
for heaven's sakes?
Now, get this all around.
All around on the
edges and every place.
I just love a crumb topping.
It's so light and airy on your
tongue. Sorta just dances.
A double crust pie does
not dance on your tongue,
it just lays there.
Now, get all these corners.
Don't leave any
apples underexposed or
they'll likely burn.
Get them all the way
out there, the edge.
There you go.
- That's good.
- I think this is
ready for the oven.
- All right.
- So slide that
puppy in the oven.
- Okay.
- And set your timer
for 30 minutes, and
we will be on our way.
- [Dory] Oh, so it takes
about 30 minutes, huh?
- Not about 30 minutes,
30 minutes exactly.
- [Dory] All right,
then. 30 minutes.
- And in one half hour,
you will have the
most delectable pie
that your tongue has
ever experienced.
(Dory exhales)
All right, now the
pie's in the oven,
we need to clean up a bit.
Oh, got a bunch of peels
there on the floor.
- Well, yeah, well...
- Mm-hmm?
- How is it that you get up
at four o'clock in the
morning to bake a pie,
and yet I am doing all the work?
- [Mama] I guess I'm
just smarter than you.
- [Dory] Hey, what is this?
- Oh, it lives down there now.
I just needed some
more room on the shelf.
- Mm-hmm.
(Dory chuckles)
- Mm-hmm?
- Did you ever love Daddy?
- What an odd question
to ask out of the blue.
- [Dory] Well, no, the
way you were talking
about him before, falling
into the hay baler and all,
you didn't sound like a woman
who loved him very much.
- Oh, I suppose I did.
It's hard to love a drunk.
Harder still to love a coward.
And your father was
most of those things.
- [Dory] Why did you
ever go out with him
in the first place?
- 'Cause he had a big dick.
- Oh, my good God.
Where is your tact nowadays?
- I don't need tact.
I'm 85 years old. I can say
anything I damn well please.
Besides, didn't you
ever go out with a man
just 'cause he had a big dick?
- [Dory] What?
- I said, didn't you
ever go out with guy-
- No, no, Mama. I
heard what you said.
I just can't
believe you said it.
- Well, didn't you?
- [Dory] Well, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Damn right, yeah.
- But how did you know?
- What? That he had a big dick?
- Oh, would you
stop saying that?
- Well, you asked.
- But I'm trying to be discreet.
- You can't be discreet
about something like that.
You just have to blurt it out.
I knew because he
wore those tight,
stretchy jeans back then.
He knew what he had.
He was advertising.
First time he came towards me,
I thought I was being
charged by a rhino.
(Dory laughs)
- [Dory] But it
wasn't enough, huh?
- Oh, it was plenty.
- No. I mean, it wasn't
enough to save the marriage.
- Dory, I need to
tell you something.
- Okay. What is it?
- You're 65 years old now,
you're probably old
enough to deal with this.
(Dory gasps)
- My good God, you're
a democrat, aren't you?
- What?
(Dory chuckles)
No, I'm not a democrat.
For God's sakes.
- Okay.
What is it, then?
- Your father and I
were never married.
- [Dory] What?
- You heard me.
- You were never married?
- [Mama] No.
- I'm finding this out now?
- [Mama] Yep.
- You waited all these
years and you never told me?
- [Mama] That's right.
- Well, when were you
planning on telling me?
- [Mama] Eventually.
- Eventually? Mama,
you are 85 years old.
How much more eventually were
you planning on using up?
- Well, I was cleaning out
my closet over the weekend
and I saw some photographs
of him, and I thought,
well, now might be the
right time to tell you.
- How many skeletons have you
got in that closet of yours?
- Oh, I've got quite a
few. How many have you got?
- I don't have any.
- You will by the time
I'm finished talking.
- God, I can't believe
you never told me.
- I did, I just
told you right now.
I swear, you're never satisfied.
- I just assumed the
two of you got divorced
when I was a baby.
- I know. And I just let you
think that all these years.
But you said you wanted the
truth and so there it is.
You're not gonna cry, are you?
- No.
I mean, I suppose it
doesn't much matter.
It doesn't change the
way I feel about you.
It's just a little odd finding
these secrets out
this late in life.
- Well, I'm sorry.
That's just the way life is,
just full of little secrets.
- So, then, technically,
I'm a bastard.
- Yep. That's right.
You're a bastard.
- What's the female
word for bastard?
- Bastard.
- Really? It's not bastress,
or something like that?
- No, I think you're
just a bastard.
- Thank you. I think
you're one too.
- Hey, while you're up,
why don't you get
me some more coffee?
- I'm not up.
- Well, then get up and
get me some more coffee.
(Dory exhales)
- [Dory] Now, wait a minute.
If you and Daddy
were never married,
how did you end up
with his last name?
- Oh, I just took it.
- [Dory] You took it?
- Yeah, I took it.
When it became clear to me
that he wasn't gonna
give it to me himself,
I just went over
to the courthouse
and had my name
legally changed to his.
I didn't want him trying to
pretend that you weren't his.
And I didn't want you
going through life
with a stigma around your neck.
Nowadays, women are just popping
out babies right and left,
not caring who the father is,
sometimes not even knowing.
But back then, a woman out
of wedlock giving birth
to a bastard was frowned upon.
- So you became Margaret Jackson
all those years just for me?
- Well, it wasn't
that hard. (laughs)
When your maiden
name is Strogonavich,
Jackson just seems
like a happy accident.
And then I married Howard and
became Margaret Garlifini.
So I was Polish and
British and Italian
and never left the country.
(kettle whistling)
- So, you never lived together?
- No.
He'd show up in town
from time to time
and tell me all the
things I needed to hear.
And that usually resulted
in a night of passion.
And then by the
morning, he'd be gone.
Finally, when you
were about three,
I just told him to take a hike.
- Why did you do that?
- Because he wanted
to have another baby.
- With you?
- Of course, with me. What the
hell's that supposed to mean?
- I'm just asking.
- I said there's just no way
I'm gonna raise
two kids by myself.
If you want to
have another baby,
it's gonna cost
you a diamond ring.
- So, what happened?
- Well, you know what
happened. We never married.
Suppose that big cock of his
just kept him too busy to ever
think about settling down.
And then when I wouldn't open up
those golden gates anymore-
- Okay, Mother, please.
- Well, he just
stopped coming around.
- Well, that's not totally true.
I remember him stopping
by from time to time
when I was growing up.
- [Mama] Well, that's right,
but he didn't come to see me.
He was coming to see you.
He really liked
being your daddy,
he just didn't know
how to do it very well.
Do you remember him at all?
- Sort of. I remember
he was really tall.
- [Mama] That's because
you were really short.
How old were you the
last time you saw him?
- Oh, the last time I saw
him, I was 11 years old.
- [Mama] That
sounds about right.
- Yeah, I know I was 11
because that was the year that
I had sixth grade spelling,
and that week, one of the words
I had to learn was autopsy,
and I didn't know what it meant.
So, he was around, so
I asked him, I said,
"What's an autopsy?"
And he said, "Your
last physical."
(both laughing)
- Daddy.
- So, I told this
to all my friends.
I did, I said, "You know
how you go to the doctor
every year for your physical?
Well, your last
one's an autopsy."
I had half the class
using this word wrong
before the teacher
set us straight.
(Mama laughs)
- [Mama] He must have had his
last physical soon after that.
- Yeah, that summer.
- Sounds about right. I married
Howard soon after he died.
Oh, now, they're all gone.
- Yeah.
- Daddy and Louis and Michael.
I swear, men are
just unreliable.
Every time the dishes need
washing, they just up and die.
(Dory chuckles)
Those dry goods aren't gonna
put themselves away, you know.
- They're not, huh?
Is that your subtle way
of telling me to do it?
- I wasn't trying to be
subtle. Pull your sleeve down.
- Well, I guess I
should call Cousin Mavis
at the hospital this morning
and see how Aunt Lucy's doing.
- 92 years old, is
that what you said?
- Yeah.
- Good for her.
Your father and I
visited Aunt Lucy once.
- In Temecula?
- No, they were living
in El Paso at the time.
We drove all through the night
with you curled up
in the back seat.
You probably don't remember.
You were just one-year-old.
- No, but pretty sure
we didn't get there
in a Volkswagen Vanagon.
(Mama laughs)
- No, we did not.
- Hmm.
So, if I was only a year old,
then Mavis wasn't even
born yet, was she?
- Not quite.
- [Dory] And you
didn't keep in touch
with Aunt Lucy
over all the years?
- No, we sorta had a
falling-out early on.
- [Dory] Over what?
- Oh, I don't
remember right now.
First met Howard on that trip.
- Howard? Yeah, Howard's
from El Paso, wasn't he?
- Well, look who's
still got a memory.
Yes, he was. I'm surprised
you still remember that.
- Hmm.
So he knew Aunt Lucy too.
- How'd you know that? Did
your aunt tell you that?
- [Dory] What? No, no.
No, I was just asking.
Why, were they friends?
- You could say that.
- [Dory] Huh.
I never knew that.
- Yeah, they were good friends.
- So, all those years you
were married to Howard,
I don't ever remember
him mentioning Aunt Lucy.
- Well, they sorta
had a falling-out too.
- Huh.
So, they must have
moved to Temecula
soon after that visit of yours.
- I don't know. I suppose so.
- Well, because Mavis
was born in Temecula,
she's lived her
whole life there.
So if I'm only a
year-and-a-half older than her-
- You're nosy today.
- What?
- You're like a
bloodhound on a scent.
Where are you going with this?
- Nowhere.
- Look, you don't
get to pass judgment
on all the decisions
I made in my life.
Some of my secrets are just
going to my grave with me,
and that is the way
that is gonna be.
- Look, it was just idle chat.
- Well, let's just idle chat
about something else, then,
for God's sake.
- All right, all right.
- Good God almighty.
- Okay, I said all right!
(both exhaling)
- Have you ever
ridden a skateboard?
- Seriously? That's what
we're gonna talk about now?
- [Mama] I'd like to
ride a skateboard.
- Right now?
- [Mama] You got one?
- No.
- Well, maybe later, then.
(Dory exhales)
- Yeah, you on a skateboard,
that will be quite
a sight, you know.
Why would you want
to ride a skateboard?
They're dangerous, you
know. You can break a hip.
- At my age, I could break a hip
just getting out of
bed in the morning.
That's not my point.
- Okay, so what is your point?
- My point is it looks like fun.
- Fun? Oh, yeah.
Well, so does skinny-dipping,
but I'm not gonna do
that at my age either.
- You're a sour-suck.
- A sour-suck?
- Living with you is
like sucking on a lemon.
- Yeah, well, you're no
jelly donut, you know.
Fun is overrated at our age.
- You see, that is the
difference between us.
- What is?
- I still want to have
fun, you've given up on it.
- Oh, I haven't
given up on anything.
- You've given up on everything.
- No, I haven't given up on
anything. That's just not true.
I just happen to know
what my limitations are
at this point in my life.
And you don't.
You still want to run and jump
and play like a prairie dog.
- Well, what's wrong with that?
I'm just a young person
trapped inside an old body,
while you're an old
person trapped inside
a young body.
- What does that mean?
- You go around here all day
acting like your life is over.
65 is not old.
I'd kill to be 65 again.
- I'm not even middle
aged anymore, Mama.
65 is well past middle age.
- That doesn't mean you're dead.
You need to go out and
find yourself a man.
- Oh, see, yeah!
Here we go. Here we go.
- [Mama] It'd knock
a few years off you.
- Mama, the last
thing I need is a man.
- No, I'd say the first
thing you need is a man.
- No, Mama, I am not in any
position to have sex nowadays.
- Oh, I don't know, that
looks like a pretty good one.
- Good Lord.
- When was the last time?
- What?
- The last time you had sex,
when was it?
- No, mm-mm.
I'm not gonna stand here and
discuss my sex life with you.
- It'd be a short conversation.
The last time I had sex-
- No! I don't need to know this.
- You don't find it interesting?
- No.
- Really?
- No, no.
Not in the least. So,
please, Mama, just shut up.
- What about that Ed fella?
- What? What are
you talking about?
- Ed, Ed that fella you
hung out with a couple years-
- No.
Mama, that was over a year ago.
- Well? Maybe he's
interested in you.
- He hasn't called in a year.
Does that sound
interested to you?
- Well, maybe he hasn't called
'cause he lost
your phone number.
- Or maybe he hasn't
called because he died.
Either way, it doesn't
sound promising, does it?
- Maybe you should
call him, then.
- Why?
- Maybe you'd like to find
someone to grow old with.
I'm not gonna be around here
to entertain you forever.
- Oh, yeah, because
it is your soft shoe
that gets me up in the morning.
- You know what I mean.
You don't want to die alone.
- I'm not gonna die alone, Mama.
I've got you.
And you are clearly
gonna outlive everybody
because the ornery
ones always do.
So, maybe you ought to call Ed.
- Well, maybe I will.
- Mm, fine.
- Fine!
- Fine, then!
(Mama exhaling)
What do you want me to
do with these apples?
- [Mama] Oh, I don't care.
- [Dory] You want to save them?
- You're not gonna throw
them away, are you?
- [Dory] Are you
planning on making
something else with them?
- No, I think I'm done.
- [Dory] All right, well,
they'll be in the fridge
if you change your mind.
- What were we talking about?
- [Dory] I don't remember.
- Oh, good lord.
Here we go again.
Men, that was it.
- Oh, yeah, right, men.
- That was it. That was it.
I was gonna say you
need to find yourself
a fella like Howard.
- [Dory] Oh, Mama,
they don't make fellas
like Howard anymore.
- Oh. He was my little
Rock of Gibraltar.
Loyal as a puppy
and just as happy.
- He was a good man, Mama.
- Yes, he was.
He was a shy, though, and quiet,
I don't think he
said a hundred words
the whole time we were married.
- But he had a good heart.
- Yes, he did.
Shame it had to stop ticking.
Right there in the Circle K.
I went to the next aisle
to get some Diet Rite,
I came back, he was
dead on the floor.
- Just horrible.
- I'll always remember
his last words.
- What were they?
- "I love you."
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- He was reading
a greeting card.
And then just fell on the floor.
- Unbelievable.
- I was your age, 65.
- Do you miss him?
- Oh. I think I miss him more
now than when he first died.
But you remember, I
had his ashes spread
up there on the mountain.
So, every spring when those
cactus flowers come into bloom,
I just feel like he's
paying me a visit.
- That is sweet.
- You know, they charged
me for that greeting card.
- What?
- Yeah.
Said they couldn't resell it.
- That's terrible.
- Well, he did wrinkle it.
And he adored you.
He treated you better
than his own daughter.
- He had a daughter?
- Well, if he had a daughter.
He treated you like his own.
- Mm, yeah.
He was so tickled
when I asked him
to walk me up the
aisle. (chuckles)
His face turned bright red.
(Mama laughs)
- Yeah, shy men are like that.
Oh. (laughs)
I remember the first time I
had him over to the house.
I offered him some of my
homemade fudge, and I said,
"Do you want the male
fudge or the female fudge?"
And he said, "What's
the difference?"
And I said, "Well, the
male fudge has nuts."
(both laughing)
Bright red!
(both laughing)
In fact, the first
time we slept together,
his faced turned the color-
- Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No. That's far
enough, old woman.
We do not need to go any
further with that story.
- It's really good one.
- Oh, no.
No, thank you.
- Well, you're just
missing out.
- No, thank you.
Mama. Mama?
How many apple pies do you think
that you've made over the years?
- I don't know. At
least a hundred.
Probably more.
- And how long does it
take to make an apple pie?
- How long?
- Yeah.
From start to finish, how
long would you say it takes?
- Oh, I don't know,
hour and 20 minutes.
- So, 80 minutes.
- That sounds about right.
- All right, so that's 100
pies at 80 minutes a pie,
that's 8,000 minutes.
8,000 minutes you've spent
making apple pies. Hmm.
- That's about right.
(Dory laughs)
- 8,000 minutes. That's
about nearly a week.
Nearly a week of your life
you've spent doing nothing
but making apple pies.
- Well, that sounds like a
pretty good use of my time
on this earth, don't you think?
Oh, my God.
- Yes, I do.
I certainly do.
(Mama laughs)
- Oh.
- Muah.
(hand tapping)
Show me the way to go home
- Oh, my goodness.
I'm tired and I
want to go to bed
I had a little drink
about an hour ago
And it went right
To my head
Silver bell
Wherever I may roam
- [Dory] Whoa.
On land, or sea, or foam
You can always hear
me singing this song
Show me the way to go home
Boom boom
- We've still got it!
(both laughing)
Remember how we used
to sing that song
when you came home from school?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, I do. It's one of
my favorite memories.
You'd come from the kitchen,
I'd come from the hall,
we'd come together and we would
dance like we had no cares.
- Oh, we didn't back then.
- Boy. What made
you think of that?
- Oh. (laughs) You got me
thinking of your daddy.
That was his favorite song.
- That was?
- Yeah.
- [Dory] Huh.
- He and your aunt
used to sing that
right after they'd tied one on.
- Daddy and your sister?
- Yeah, they were
drinking buddies,
among other things.
- Oh, my God.
- I always thought
that a sad little song,
but your daddy had
a way of singing it,
made it seem real happy.
- Yeah, you know, I
taught that routine
to Maggie when she was little.
And there was a year or so there
when she was seven or eight
when she refused to go to bed
until we'd danced together.
- Dancing makes everything
seem a little bit better,
doesn't it?
- Yeah, sure does.
- I need to get to my chair,
I think.
- Okay, here.
Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
(Mama exhales)
- Life is good.
- Yeah, life is good.
(no audio)
- I called Ed.
- You did what?
- I called Ed.
That Ed fella.
- [Dory] Yes, I know who he is.
- Well, I called him.
- Just now?
- No. A few days ago.
- Why on earth
would you do that?
- Well, 'cause he
needed to be called.
And for the record,
he's not dead.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- In fact, he's
free Friday night.
- What?
- I said he's free
Friday night.
- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.
(Dory exhales)
But he's be picking
you up after eight.
- What?
- He's picking you...
What, are you going
deaf? Eight, eight!
- Oh, God.
What, you made a date for me?
- Well, you weren't
making one for yourself.
- Mother, I'm 65 years old.
I do not need you
making dates for me.
I'm perfectly capable
of making my own dates.
- Well, why don't you, then?
- Because I choose not to.
- Well, that's just dumb.
You're running out of time.
- Well, that's a
horrible thing to say.
- Well, it's true.
- Yeah, well,
I know it's true.
But you just don't
say that to somebody.
I'm very upset with you, Mama.
I mean, just how could
you do such a thing?
- It was easy, I
picked up the phone-
- Okay. Okay.
Can't believe you
sometimes. Really.
- [Mama] What?
- Eight.
- Yes.
- This Friday.
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm, well,
that's just ridiculous.
You should have made it seven.
You know I can't
stay up past 10.
- What?
- Seven, seven! What,
are you going deaf?
- Well, why don't you just call
him and change it yourself?
I mean, I put his number
right up there on the fridge.
- Really, I cannot
believe you sometimes.
What has gotten into you?
- Life has gotten into me.
(Dory exhales)
- Oh, my goodness gracious.
This changes everything.
- [Mama] Good.
(paper rustles)
(oven door opens)
(Dory gasps)
- [Dory] Mama, I
think it's done.
- [Mama] Has the timer gone off?
- No.
- Then it's not done.
- [Dory] Well, but it's
getting brown on top.
- [Mama] Yeah.
- [Dory] Well, do you want
to come and look at it?
- [Mama] No, I don't
want to look at it.
- [Dory] Well, maybe
you should just peek.
- No, I don't want to look at it
until it's done
and it's not done.
- [Dory] Well, how do you know
without looking at it?
- Because the timer
hasn't gone off.
Now, close that door or it's
never gonna finish cooking.
(Dory exhales)
(oven door closes)
- I can't believe you
made a date for me.
It's like high school
all over again.
Can you imagine what
Maggie would say
if she knew I had a date?
- I think she'd
be happy for you.
- No, I doubt that.
No, in her mind, I'm supposed
to live in perpetual mourning
as punishment for my crime.
- You didn't commit a crime.
Now, you've got to stop
thinking like that.
- Mama, I know I didn't.
But just try telling her that.
I don't know how
she could blame me
for an accident I had
nothing to do with.
But she does.
- I don't think she blames
you for the accident.
I think she blames you
for sending them out
that morning in the first place.
I know that's not right, but
I think that's what she does.
I think she's decided that
if you hadn't sent them
out that day to start
with, they'd still be here.
- And probably they would.
But how was I supposed to know
that trip was gonna kill them?
I sent Louis and Michael to
the market, that's all I did.
- I know.
- And Louis had driven
to that store a million times
without even getting
a scratch on him.
But this one time
there's a collision
and, suddenly, it's
all my fault, why?
Because I asked them to pick
up some ice cream for dessert?
Hell, people go out all
the time for dessert
and they live to tell about it.
- Well, I think, in time,
that she's gonna come around.
I really do.
I think all people, over time,
come to realize the
randomness of life,
that says this
person's gonna live
and that person's gonna
fall into a hay baler.
Arbitrary nature of things.
Maggie's a good girl.
She's grown up since the
last time you talked to her.
I think she's gonna come around.
Now, you just wait and see.
- You've been talking
with her, haven't you?
- What?
- You've been talking to her.
What did you do,
did you call her up?
Did you send her a letter?
- I did no such thing.
- Well, you have
been talking to her.
I can tell by the way
you're talking now.
- Oh, I texted her, if
you must know, Miss Nosy.
- You text?
- Nearly broke my thumbs off.
- And?
- And she called me right back.
We had a nice
phone conversation.
- So, why didn't you
tell me about this?
- 'Cause it's none of
your damn business.
Besides, she asked me not to.
- Well, I tell you
things all the time
that people tell me not to say.
- That's why you
have so few friends.
- Okay, so what did she say?
- Well, I'm not gonna go into
the whole thing with you.
But I will say this, she's
starting to come around.
She misses you, Dory.
She didn't talk angry
about you at all this time.
And we didn't even talk
about Louis and Michael.
We mostly we talked
about the weather.
- Oh, my God, she's coming
for a visit, isn't she?
- Why would you say
something like that?
- Because Maggie
never goes anywhere
without the
appropriate wardrobe.
Yeah, when we took vacations
when she was little,
she'd check the weather
reports days ahead of time.
She is coming for
a visit, isn't she?
Mama, isn't she?
- Oh, well, damn you!
Now you just spoiled
your own surprise.
- What surprise?
- Yes, she is coming
here later today
to surprise you
for your birthday.
Now you dragged it out
of me. Are you satisfied?
- Shit!
- There you go. (chuckles)
Don't you feel better?
- What are we gonna talk about?
- Well, it's not like
you're strangers.
- [Dory] Mm-mm.
- She's your daughter.
Just like you're mine.
You talk to me all the time.
Even when I don't want you to.
- But, Mama, we haven't seen
each other in over two years.
- It'll just be like that
piecrust from the freezer.
Once it was thawed, it
was fine. Wasn't it?
- Mama, what am I
gonna say to her?
What am I gonna say?
- Why don't you ask her
about her pregnancy?
- She's pregnant?
- Yep.
- Shit!
- Ask her who the father is.
- Who's the father?
- She doesn't know.
- Shit!
(both laughing)
- I don't know
about you, (laughs)
but I feel better hearing
you say shit.
- Oh, my God,
what a day this
is gonna be, Mama.
- You can say that again.
- Oh, God.
You know what?
- What?
- I do feel
a little bit better.
- All right.
It's a good word, isn't it?
- Uh-huh.
- Happy birthday, Dory.
- Oh, thank you, Mama.
(birds chirping)
- I love you.
- Oh, and I love you too.
Look at that.
Look, the sun, oh, it's
coming up on the mountain.
Isn't that pretty?
Oh, it's a brand new day, Mama.
It is a brand new day.
(timer ringing)
Oh, there's the timer.
It's ready. The
pie's ready, Mama.
I'll get it.
(Dory chuckles)
(oven door opens)
Oh! Look at that, Mama.
Look at that. (sniffs)
Ah, do you smell that?
Oh, boy. That is
one beautiful pie.
(Dory chuckles)
Here we go. Don't
you think so, Mama?
(clock ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
(clock continues ticking)
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