Pig Hag (2019) Movie Script


[crowd applauding]
[Jodie] Uhhh...
Oh, God.

[text alert]
[background siren wailing]
[girl] He's just such a great
Dad! She loves anything
to do with fish, eels,
the sea, and he surprised us
with a trip to the aquarium.
[girl 2] Uh, I wanna be married.
[girl] The way he is so sweet
with her, it's kinda of sexy,
you know what I mean?
[girl 2] Yeah...
The fuck?
You got to be fucking
kidding me!
[man] Jod.
Hey, what's up? So, um,
guess who broke
their fucking foot?
[man] Oh, my God. You?
Axl broke his fucking
foot in L.A. this week.
[man] Axl?
Axl Rose-- Who the fuck
do you think I am talking about?
Guns N' Roses.
- [man] Guns N' Roses. Aw.
-Yes, yes.
He broke his fucking
toe, or something?
- [man] No.
-Seriously, and we're just
finding out about this now?
The concert is this
fucking weekend and
I'm fucking pissed
because I am not fucking
driving four fucking hours
not to fucking see him
do the fucking snake dance.
That's fucking bullshit!
[man] Are you okay? Why
are you yelling at me?
Even guys like that have those.
No, no.
No. I've just been
bed garbage all day.
[man] All day?
No, I literally slept
for like 18 hours.
[man] Yelling at the moment.
No, it's just I'm driving
alone to a Guns N' Roses
concert, like a loser,
and I couldn't even give
away free tickets on the
internet to strangers.
[man] No, okay. Maybe
somebody will say yes.
No, I'm definitely
going to die alone
in a nursing home
and no one is going
to come get my body.
[man] Girl, that's
not gonna happen.
No, no, I've worked in nursing
homes and that totally happens.
No one visits you, and then no
one comes and picks up the body.
And then you're
buried by strangers.
[man] Boo, get it together.
I'm just going to give up and
become a burden on the state.
You can live in hospitals
for free if you want to,
you can just show up,
be a lazy piece of shit,
people are obligated
to take care of you.
[man] Well, I actually
have to run here.
What? What are you guys doing?
[man] We're going out tonight.
I'll call you. Okay?
Oh, no, I mean, I have to pack.
-[man] I'll call you.

[crowd cheering]
[text alert]
[phone ringing]
-[Jess] Hey.
-Hey, Sis! How are you?
[Jess] Good! Just
getting some stuff together
to go dancing tonight.
Are the kids already on the bus?
[Jess] Yeah, they are.
- [Jess] You okay?
No, no I just-- I wanted-
I wanted to tell them hey.
[Jess] Ah, well,
they're doing good.
Softball and bullshit.
Yeah, no, I- I miss
those little shits, yeah.
[Jess] How's the hospital?
It's alright, I mean,
same shit, different
shift. You know? Yeah.
[Jess] You taking
another contractor?
I might, or I might
not. I don't know.
[Jess] You like it?
Yeah, no, I was-
I was actually thinking
about buying an RV.
- [Jess] An RV.
-Yeah, like a-
- [Jess] What do you mean? RV.
-Yeah, like a camper
that you drive.
[Jess] Now, why
would you get an RV?
No, it's just-- you know,
you can travel
and I thought there's
nothing happening in L.A.
except for my gays.
And I figured, you
know, I could just
spend like a year
like just kicking it around,
like, West Coast.
Just taking a bunch of shorter
term-contracts, and I figured
I could go, like Portland
-and then Seattle-
- [Jess] Jodie,
this is ridiculous.
That's crazy.
Isn't that a little dark? I mean
was it just like amazing?
I just don't know
why that's so crazy!
[Jess] Have you met
anyone else there?
No one?
Okay, no, but have you
tried dating in L.A.?
[Jess] I'm just saying
give it a chance.
Don't go all-in on RV.
Okay, well, you know what?
Why don't you just tell
the kids that I miss them.
- [Jess] Are you okay?
-And... No, I'm fine!
- [Jess] Jodie.
-Okay, I'm gonna
talk to you later.
- [Jess] Jodie.
-Yeah, yeah, Jess, I'm gonna
talk to you later, okay bye.
[text alert]
[text alert]
[crowd cheering]
Hey, dude, are you okay?
-I'm not a dude!
-My bad.
-I'm not a dude! Look!
-Okay, sorry!
Hey, I'm sorry I yelled
at you but it's just when
I start crying I can't stop,
and also you scared me
and I didn't know what to say.
No-- I'm sorry that I thought
you were a man.
It's just from behind you
looked like you were.
With the bandana and stuff
and I'm kinda drunk.
You don't look like a man
now that I'm fully seeing you.
Uh, are you going to be okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
It's killer show, right?
Axl was fucking amazing.
Just blows my mind every time.
-I just wanted to see
him snake-dance.
Well, do you like need me
to call you a cab or?
My car's right there.
Are you driving it?
Well, I'm not gonna
leave it here.
Okay-- well you- you just
seem like you're a little drunk
and you've been crying.
-I just--
-Yeah, if I want to
drive my fucking car
I'm gonna drive my fucking car.
And I don't see what crying
has to do with it because
I'm not crying right now.
Where are you staying?
-The Palm.
-That's where I'm at.
Oh, well great fuck it, then
you drive us! But don't fucking
touch me-I swear to god,
if you fucking touch me I will
kill you and I'm not gonna
have a problem with it.
I promise not to touch you.
Cool. Get that.
I'm Dustin.
Thanks for driving us.
Yeah, no problem. Here...
What the fuck are you doing?
Snake dancing like Axl.
You said you wished
you'd seen him snake dance.
Oh, my god.
That's ridic.
I'm gonna go change
and drink by the pool.
Oh, yeah, I'm
gonna do that, too.
Are you inviting yourself?
Yeah, I guess.
You guess or you are?
I am. I mean if that's okay?
-Do you wanna hang
out? We don't have to.
No... Let's do it.
I'll meet you by the pool.
[cell phone ringing]
[man] We're here, babe.
Oh, shit, yeah.
[man] Can you buzz us in?
Yeah, I'll buzz you in.
- [man] Please send that.
-Yeah, I'll buzz you in.
[man] Don't go back to sleep.
-I'm buzzing!
[man approaching while talking]
Guys, there's something
seriously wrong with my toilet.
What? What is happening?
-No. Come on, I don't know
what to do, just look at it.
It stinks.
Is it overflowing?
[man] Jesus fuck, Jodie!
[man 2] That's
actually impressive.
[man] Oh, no, I was
not ready for this.
What a log-- Good
for you, honey.
[Jodie] I was saving it.
Christ, Jodie, that
was very unnecessary.
Maxwell was impressed.
I bet he was. He
probably shits pellets.
So, drinks, guys?
[all] Yes.
[man] Double. Are you
gonna shower? I want
to leave in like an hour.
Yeah, I'm gonna shower.
[man] Also, my cousin
Alicia is coming tonight, so,
let's be nice to her. K?
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
I'm always fucking nice.
[man] Shower!
I want to leave at 9!
[door closes]
[electronic music]
Hey, bitch! I'm going
to the bathroom.
You want to come with?
Yeah, I guess I kinda gotta pee.
Whew! Girl, these rum and
cokes were making me have
to pee something crazy.
Yeah-- they'll do that to you.
Ugh! Oh, my god.
This guy is blowing
me up right now.
We just fucking matched--there
is an incubation period.
God, have some chill, brother.
You can't start blowing
me up two seconds later.
I'm just not into it.
I'm not down for that. You know
I'm not down like that.
Do you get that? Like they think
you're going to drop everything
and be ready for a date...
Hey, where did you go?
You left me in the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, I was done, so I left.
I'm sorry, did you need help?
No. No, it's fine.
It's cool.
Okay. Sorry. Okay, sorry.
[background music and talking]

-[Pete] Oh.
-[man] Doing great.
Yep. Let it out.
Let it all out.
[Pete] I'm having fun!
I shouldn't have had
so many pia coladas.
You had the right amount
of pia coladas.
-Here, drink some water.
-Let's-- let's dance.
No, we're done.
-We're done doing that.
-I like--
Did you ever think about getting
an Aphrodite-type hairdo where
you look like a goddess?
No, Pete, I haven't
thought about that.
Why don't you drink some of
this water? Drink this water.
Okay, does it have vodka in it?
No, absolutely not.
Oh, honey! Who put water-
who put water in there?
Me, I put water in that.
[crowd cheering]
Wow, she's a lady.
Nice shirt!
What are you drinking?
Still beer.
Ah, yeah, me, too.
-Uh, if you need one take one.
-Oh, it's okay.
No really, I'm here by myself.
I don't need to
drink all of this.
Shut up! I'm here by myself!
I was just telling my friends
that I would be the only
loser here alone but...
So where do you live?
Santa Clarita.
I live in L.A.!
-Yeah, that's super close.
You know I wanna say, uh,
I'm not a loser, I just couldn't
find anyone to come with me.
Seriously? Did I hurt
your feelings?
You couldn't get your
wife to come with you?
I don't have a wife.
You-- you look like
you would have a wife.
I did.
Did she divorce you
for wearing that shirt?
You are being sarcastic.
You're about to feel really bad.
She's dead.
Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.
Eh, it's alright.
It happened like two and
a half years ago, it's fine.
So, you like Guns N' Roses.
Yeah, fuck, yeah.
I mean I grew up with them.
I fucking love them.
Axl is a God.
I'm not a gay but he is the
sexiest lead singer out of
any of those fucking bands.
No, totally.
I've been in love with him
since I saw him on MTV
when I was like nine.
He's legit the first man
I ever masturbated to.
Sexy guy.
Did you do the same thing?
No, I did not.
So you're- you're not gay.
No, I just told you
I had a wife.
A lot of gay guys have wives.
And also, we just bonded over
how sexy Axl is, and if someone
says aloud that they're not gay
it's usually because
they're gay.
It's just all my friends are
gay and I just instantly
lose attraction for someone
if I get the slightest inkling
that they're even a little
bit into dudes.
Well, I'm not. I don't
have a problem with it.
So you've never had
a guy, like, suck your
dick or anything.
Not even once.
-I'm sorry- I'm
sorry- I'm sorry!
-[Dustin laughing]
I have trust issues! I've-- It's
just-- then it's something that
you can just never satisfy
in another person
and it's just, like,
I'm never gonna have
a dick, I'm so sorry.
-So what do-- what do you do?
-Oh, I hate that question.
No it's fine, I just-- I hate
people's reaction to my answer.
-What, do you work for
the IRS or something?
-No- uh, I'm a funeral director.
-Oh shit, fuck!
I mean I'm a travel nurse.
So I spend most of my days
like up to my balls in blood,
and shit and bedpans.
Well, we have that in common
except for the bedpans.
Yeah, the shit just runs
right down the drain.
Yeah we put everything
down there.
It's really no different
than what someone
would flush down a toilet.
-Oh, sick.
I'm probably gonna wander into
the desert one day never to be
seen or heard from again.
What do you mean the desert?
Well, I'd rather be, like,
pecked by vultures or something
rather than die in some
nightmare nursing home.
I've- I've pretty much accepted
that I'm just gonna
live the rest of my life
a lonely old lady.
Like a old cat woman?
No, not a cat lady because
I fucking hate animals.
All they do is they piss
and shit in your house,
and they wanna be on you,
and they cost you
money, it's just, no, I'm
gonna be like an old hag.
Like a fag hag.
Like, literally, all my friends
are giant 'mos, I'm telling you!
Why do you think you're going
to spend the rest of your life
alone? You're a woman.
You could just find some
random guy to be with
if you really wanted to.
What do you think I spend
all of my time doing?
I can't find anybody.
I guarantee you there are guys
out there that would be with you
based off of just the fact
that you are any woman.
Well, if there are,
I can't find them.
I'm constantly being
rejected by women.
Yeah, probably because you're
always going after the super
hot ones, like all men.
I'll never understand why
these hideous man-beasts
are chasing after model-types,
like that's delusional.
I don't go after
women like that.
I go for women like you.
A woman like me.
Meaning what?
Okay, let's not pretend
like you didn't just call me
a hideous man-beast.
I was not talking about you!
Well, I wasn't
talking about you!
You said women like
me like not models.
Neither one of us
is a model, all right?
So, let's not pretend like
either of us has anything
over on the other one.
Marilyn Monroe was a size 16!
[chuckling] Okay...
Fuck off.
Oh, my god.
Oh! You're such a pussy!
Text Dustin, "Are
you in your room?"
[sending text]
[phone ringing]
Hey, it's Dustin.
Leave a message.
[phone ringing]
-Hey, it's Dustin.
Leave a message.
-What the fuck?
Shit, shit.
[phone ringing]
Hey, it's Dustin.
Leave a message.
Hey, um, so, um, I'm calling
just 'cause I'm here.
Um, yeah, I- I was gonna drop
this stuff off so, hopefully,
you will feel better um,
so, yeah, I just- I- I figured
I would drop them by, um,
I'm not going
to stay or anything.
Uh, so, um, I'm gonna
hang out around my room
so just give me a call
and I can drop this stuff by
and if you're feeling better
you know maybe we can hang,
or not, whatever is cool
with me--either is fine.
Okay--talk soon!
Whoa! Okay, I don't
know what that was.
Okay, um, okay b--
uh, okay-- okay, bye.
[switching channels]
[turning off TV]
[text alert]
Fucking text threads!
I don't care!
[text alerts]
Oh, wow!
Is this a suite?
Yeah, I'm treating myself,
no kids, no corpses.
You have kids?
Yeah, three.
Kaylee is 8, Davis
is 11 and Jay is 16.
That explains the shirt, Dad.
Would you stop it
with the shirt?
It's really bad.
I'm trying to help you.
You want me to take it off?
Now you don't have
to see it anymore.
Okay--Jesus. Slow down.
-Shut up and show
me your thick rod!
-[Dustin chuckles]
I have no blood.
I need water.
Oh, are we not doing that?
[Dustin] Uh, what?
[Jodie] Cuddling.
You don't want to spoon?
[Dustin] Oh-- oh,
God, I feel like shit.
Oh, god, my stomach.
Are you okay?
Oh, my, God! Here, let
me-- let me help you!
No, I'm okay!
No, seriously,
I'm an actual nurse.
Are you clammy?
No seriously, I'm fine.
Do you normally
get this hung over?
Well, then maybe you
have a bug- or you're
probably dehydrated.
I'm gonna be okay,
you should just go.
I just need to feel sick.
Okay, well let me just look--
Oh, God-- really--
seriously-- no thanks.
Sorry. Okay, well,
I could get you some
Pepto, or a sports drink,
some electrolytes?
Seriously, just go.
I could drive you back
to L.A. if you don't feel
like you can--
I flew.
Well, I'm gonna go get
some supplies and
then I'll be right back.
Honestly, I just need
to be by myself.
No, I'm gonna be right back.
[phone ringing]
Hey, Sis, what's up?
[Christy speaking]
No it's in the mail and
there's a card in there
for mom too so sign it.
I'm good! I went to Guns
N' Roses last night.
[Christy] Oh, how was it?
[Christy] Aw.
Axl was so, so good.
[Christy speaking]
[Christy speaking]
No it-- it was awesome.
[Christy] Oh, good, good.
So, guess what?
[Christy] What?
I met a boy.
[Christy] You met a boy?
Yeah, at the concert.
[Christy] Oh, Lord.
I don't know about it.
Oh, shut up!
[Christy] You met him
at the concert?
Well, so what?
[Christy] I hope he's
not wild and crazy.
No! No, he is nice!
He's a funeral director.
[Christy laughing]
Christy-- why is that funny?
[Christy] Oh, my God.
That is ridiculous.
-[Christy] Does he have a wife?
No! He doesn't have a wife.
And you're about to feel
really bad because she's dead.
-[Christy] Oh.
-Yeah, a lot of people
don't find true love
until their second
marriages anyway.
[Christy] Did you
say that to him?
No, I did not say that to him,
I just met him last night.
[Christy] Well, don't
come out so drunk.
You're doing that thing.
-I am not!
-[Christy] Jodie, come on.
-You know how you get.
-I am not!
[Christy] You're
getting intense.
You know I guess I thought
you'd be fucking excited for me
because you're always
crawling up my fucking ass
about meeting someone.
But I guess that's too much
to ask from my bitch sister.
[Christy] Oh, fuck you, Jodie.
No, fuck you!
-Fuck you! You-- go
fold the fucking shirt!
- You need to...
Fucking cunt.
Hey, Dustin! Hey.
I know you're in there!
Seriously, what the fuck?
I brought you this stuff,
I just-- I want you to
feel better. I'm not crazy.
Seriously, fuck!
-Hey, I'm sorry,
uh, I have to go.
Do you want me to drive
you to the airport?
No, I have my car.
Um, sorry-- family emergency.
-You said you flew.
-Oh, weird.
Well, do you want your bandana?
You know what? You keep it.
Keep it? What about
this stuff? Do you--
do you feel better?
Uh, no, I'm good.
I hope everything
works out for you.
You hope everything works
out for me? What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
Look, I don't know,
I'm just saying things.
Alright? I-- I feel like shit,
my son broke his arm,
I don't want your stuff,
I really have to go.
Okay, well, why didn't you
just text me that? Like,
you could've just said,
"Jodie, hey, great
time last night.
My kid broke his arm.
Call me sometime."
-That's not that hard!
-Cause I don't want
to do that, alright?
I-- I don't want to get
into anything with you.
Not right now, not for
the foreseeable future.
Well, why didn't you just tell
me that instead of making up
some lie about your kid?
-It's not a lie.
It's not! Here... Fuck.
There, my son broke
his arm, okay?
-Okay, well, I believed you.
Bye, Jode.
You do not get to call me Jode.
Bye, Ghost.
Bye, Ghost! I didn't even
like you that much.
I hope your son feels better
but not for you, for him!
I hope that he feels better
and you feel bad.
You fucking ghost!
I'm, literally alive
and right here.
You fucking banshee! Be gone!
[Dustin] Jesus Christ.
[breathing heavily]
Oh, fuck!

[turns off car]
Do you smoke?
Sometimes, sure, I'm down.
Hey, can I borrow that?
Yes, but that is a very
special bandana.
I bought that for my first
Guns N' Roses concert when
I was thirteen in Chicago.
My dad drove me down from--
We lived in Milwaukee-
and he drove me all the way
down just to take me.
He didn't even go, he just
dropped my off and hung
out at a Denny's.
Do you like being a dad?
Of course. It's like the most
fulfilling thing in my life.
I want to be a mom.
Don't worry. I didn't poke holes
in the condom or anything.
I did tie it off and put it in
the mini-fridge though.
-I'm kidding! I'm not crazy.
Sometimes I do worry
my uterus is just going to rot
out before I find someone
to have kids with.
Having kids either
makes you more selfish
or completely selfless.
Which one are you?
Uh, fuck, I guess that's
not entirely accurate.
I guess sometimes
you feel both.
You know sometimes
you lie so you can smoke
a joint and jerk off
instead of going to your
daughter's softball game,
other times you take
a bullet for them.
Maybe it's a sliding scale.
I think I'd be more selfless.
I feel less anxious when
I'm thinking about things
that aren't myself.
What's that called?
Externa-- externalizing.
What about your wife?
What was she?
Oh, bad question.
It's fine, we don't
have to talk about.
No, it's fine.
Um, yeah, she was more selfish.
You know, she'd like disappear.
Drinking and sleeping basically.
-Was she an alcoholic?
-Yeah, big time.
-I'm sorry.
-Eh, was what it was.
Nothing to do about it now.
Do you mind if I ask
how she happened?
How she happened?
Like how she died?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I'm stoned.
Uh, yeah, she killed herself.
But I don't think
she actually meant to.
Excuse me?
-You want the story, huh?
-I mean, no, we don't have to
talk about it, but, yeah, kinda.
Uh, so I came home from work,
I was working on this girl who
had been in an accident and-
uh, it was bad.
How bad?
Like, really bad.
Jay was thirteen at the time,
I come in, "Where's mom?"
"Oh, she's taking a bath."
Go up to check on her,
figuring I'm gonna
find her plastered
and then an argument
is gonna ensue.
I go in, she's laying in
the bath, candles
all over the bathroom.
She drank six bottles of wine.
She passed out, slipped
under the water. It was red.
I thought she had
slit her wrists.
It was wine, one of those giant
glasses, you know, that
fits the whole bottle?
Candles were so close to the
curtains, anything could have
just caught them on fire,
set the whole house on fire.
She could've killed the kids.
It's heavy.
Was she depressed?
Fuck, yeah, she was depressed.
Have you been in a
relationship since then?
No but it doesn't mean
I haven't dealt with it.
No, of course.
What about you?
-A relationship?
Nursing school.
But really that was more of
a setup where we slept in the
same bed and we had sex...
He sounded like a frog.
He was like [with funny
voice] "Jodie, you need to
pay this month's rent.
Please write a check."
-What frog sounds like that?
-No, I don't know, but it
was-- that was close.
And now it's like the only men
who can stand me are gay.
Sometimes I think I should
just transition into being
a bear but it's like,
that's not now trans
works and also I'm not
attracted to gay men so.
What's a bear?
It's a big hairy gay man.
Would I be a bear?
And I don't know why
I am so worried about it.
My sisters are married and
they're fucking miserable.
Well, one of them
lives in Michigan.
And her husband expects her to
just sit at home, and cook, and
clean, and have sex with him,
even though he's
gotten really fat
and he doesn't do
anything to try to look
like a decent human being.
And she, like, lives for
this middle-school drama.
Shoot me if that is ever
the highlight of my life.
And the other one is engaged
to this man whose only
passion is hunting arrowheads,
and also, he calls
watching their children
alone babysitting.
It's like some men
are such man-babies.
Like they're completely
incapable of taking
care of themselves,
and they expect just
because they make just
a little bit of money
that they should just
act like an invalid
who needs to be waited on,
hand and foot, whenever
they're not at work
and that none of their
decisions or opinions
are to be challenged.
And it's just, like, wake up!
And, honestly, I haven't met
a straight man lately who's
not a complete dick...
A guy called me pig hag!
Pig hag?
Yeah! Because we were supposed
to go bowling together
and I slept through my alarm
because I'd had three
all-night shifts in a row.
But then it's like he goes
completely bonkers on me!
And then, suddenly
I am the bipolar,
lonely, pig hag cunt,
and I need to go hang
out with my gays.
I had to block him.
Jesus, that's terrible.
Yeah, I'm almost out of blocks.
You can run out of blocks?
Yeah, it's fucked!
Pig hag?
-[Dustin laughing]
-I'm sorry that that
happened to you!
-No, it's cool.
-No! It's not, men can be awful.
I'm sure I've been awful.
Probably will be awful again.
Well, don't be awful to me.
If I'm bad you can
always block me.
I'm-- I'm almost out
of blocks, that's a ter--
That's a terrible idea.

[unlocking door]
[text alert]
[sending text]
[phone ringing]
-[man] Hey, girl.
[man speaking]
-Yeah, I'm fine. I--
- [man] What's wrong?
Um-- no, I'm fine.
I've just been really busy
working and hermiting.
[man speaking]
Yeah, you-- you--
Yeah, you can come over.
-Yeah, come over.
Come over.
- [man] Okay. Thanks.
Oh, look, she's alive.
We seriously thought
you were dead, bitch.
-I'm not.
-Honey, why does it
smell like this in here?
Rotisserie chicken.
Okay, Brittany Murphy.
What is going on?
Did something happen
with the Guns N' Roses guy?
You haven't answered
any of the threads
or a single phone call.
You haven't posted about
it on Facebook either.
Yeah, cut this shit.
What happened?
Regale us.
Okay, so, basically,
I met this guy after the
Guns N' Roses concert,
and he just comes up
to me and he starts talking
to me about my outfit
because we're wearing
matching bandanas or whatever.
But then he ends up
being like really nice.
We spend the whole
night together.
He's a funeral director.
That's so hot.
So we meet, we hang around,
and then we end up
going back to his hotel room,
where we bang,
but then he tells me
all about his dead wife.
-Oh, fuck!
-Yeah, apparently, she
was like a huge alcoholic.
She like, drowned
in the bathtub and she
lit the house on fire
-while their kids
were inside of it.
Yeah, I don't remember
all of the details
because I was a little stoned
when he was explaining it.
But then, I end up comforting
him, and then we bang again!
And I kissed him.
You kissed him?
Yeah, I ended up sleeping there.
And the next morning I was
like cuddling with him, like
I'm-- like I'm spooning him,
and he's like, "No, no,
don't touch me I'm sick."
Well, was he actually sick?
Well, I did watch him throw up.
[Pete] Well maybe he
was legitimately sick, girl.
Okay, well, I offered
to take care of him like
hello I'm a fucking nurse!
But he was like,
"No, no, I'm good."
Like he, basically, yelled
and screamed at me to go.
And then, I'm like, "I can
drive you back to L.A. if
you're sick," but he ghosted.
Like, I called him, and I texted
him, and I called him again,
but it went to voicemail.
I didn't leave a voicemail.
It's just, he never responded.
-Well, that's the problem.
[Jodie] What?
What's the problem?
You cared, honey.
[Jodie] I cared?
Yeah, you freaked him
out, you were willing
to do too much too fast.
Okay, basically, the way
relationships work now is that
whoever cares more loses
and becomes unattractive
to the other party.
Okay, well, that makes
zero fucking sense.
Yeah, well, that's why you're
not supposed to respond
to guy's texts that
you like right away.
If I'm interested, why
would I wait? That's stupid.
No, girl. Now I start any
conversation with a man
by saying I'm not interested,
and I have never pulled in
more solid sevens in my life.
Hot men. Fresh men.
That's bullshit. I was
just trying to be nice.
We had sex, we talked
about personal stuff.
I don't want to marry
him or something.
-But don't you?
-No! I barely know him.
Well, did you talk to him
about being alone
for the rest of your life?
I mean we got pretty deep.
He was telling me
about his dead wife.
That's a lot.
He sensed that you
were getting too invested.
Like, you were too
eager to be a thing.
Well, he could've just told
me that! He ghosted.
I felt like a fucking idiot.
I spent all day wondering
what the fuck went wrong.
And the really fucked up
thing is I really liked him.
He was funny, and we got along.
We had shit in common,
like, literally shit and feces
and he had a thick rod,
and I didn't hate kissing him.
So, yeah, maybe I did want
to see him again, so what?
When people like each
other, don't they wanna
see each other again?
Like, why can't
I say what I feel?
Why can't I say "I like you"
without, apparently, being
some fucking crazy person?
Because straight men are
fucking garbage! That's why.
They can't express their
feelings, or have anyone else
express feelings at them,
let alone giving
a fuck about them!
You've ruined me! My gays
have ruined me! I'm ruined!
-Hush your mouth.
-No, I'm too used to men
expressing their feelings
and caring about my opinions
and then letting me speak!
On a date, I can't get
out a sentence without
being interrupted!
I mean what the fuck?
Honey! You don't think
from time to time we've been
reckless with men's hearts?
We treat you with respect
because you're our friend
and that's what friends
do for each other.
A guy called me pig hag.
Do you guys walk around
just calling people pig hag?
Pig hag?
Not unless someone wants me to.
Yeah, and fat, and lonely,
and bipolar, and cunt, because
I slept through a fucking date.
That's crazy.
Yeah, and the really
fucked up part is
is after he spends like three
days textually harassing me
he sends me a message
like, "Hey, let's start
over and hang out."
Like, motherfucker, I am
about to file a police report!
First of all, that's terrible,
block his number immediately.
I'm almost out of blocks!
Okay, look at me, listen to me.
This man, this Guns N' Roses
man, funeral director,
he is not the end-all be-all.
Yeah, you've got
to pump the brakes.
I mean this is exciting
but it's sad, too.
I think you might be setting the
stakes a little bit too high up.
I mean, just cause it might not
work out with this guy doesn't
mean you're gonna end alone.
It's not that serious. There's
other fish in the sea, girl.
It's-- I'm just-- I'm fucking
lonely! You know dating
is really fucking hard.
I'm thirty-six! I'm like
five years away from
being someone's weird aunt.
And I just-- I'm not
ready to be that person
at family gatherings
that everybody feels sorry
for because they know I don't
have anywhere else to go.
Girl, we are all lonely.
Don't try to be in a
relationship just to
be in a relationship.
Not a one of us has a
significant other right now.
No, it's a different
for you, you're gay.
And also, lies! I see you
all on your phones
with boys all the time.
Not really,
it's all an illusion.
Just because we're texting
men all the time and
getting loads up the ass
doesn't mean
we're not lonely.
Okay, well,
I would settle for that.
So you guys have to help me
take sexy pics for my profile.
Girl, no.
Yes! Come on! I want
to do revolving dick door.
It's not fair, you get to do it.
I have not played ass up
door open in a long time,
for your information.
And I don't really think
that this is the answer.
I mean, you love to travel!
You were in Morocco and
Spain last year alone, bitch.
What about the RV?
No, my sister was right,
that's fucking stupid, and
I don't wanna talk about it!
Seriously dude,
this is not the answer.
If you think revolving
dick door is gonna
make you feel better
-you're out of your
fucking mind.
-Oh, shut up, Nate.
Why are you talking like
you have any fucking
moral high ground?
You get your asshole blown
out every fucking weekend
because you're
shit-house wasted.
Accurate, but unacceptable.
Take pics now.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna say,
"Thirty-six, fat ass, ass up,
door open, Buzz 585."
-Maxwell, how should I be?
-Um, I don't know,
I would just do like,
whatever you wanna be
serving when they get here.
Shut up, Nate!
Yeah, so like, I don't
know, just like, bend over,
tooch your ass up,
and just, like work, bitch.
-That's how we're working it?
-Yeah, don't show my face.
[taking picture]
I don't think I like
what I'm seeing.
Yeah, as a former face-down
ass-up queen I do
not condone this.
This is a micro solution
to a macro problem.
You cannot fill the void
in your life with dicks.
We've tried!
And you cannot fill it with
someone meaningful until
you yourself feel meaningful.
Yeah, Jodie, you can't
go walking down the street
requiring every man you see
to validate your parking.
You need to validate
your own parking, okay?
Having ten dicks inside
of you is guaranteed to
not make you feel better.
Are you listening?
Yes, ten dicks. Got it.
-I got it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry, Nate, for
what I said before.
I get it, I do, I get it.
I don't need a man, but I just-
I feel like I will feel better
if I get fucked right now.
And I just-- I need you
guys to just not judge me.
Alright girl, live your truth.
Just keep your phone near you
and text us if things get weird.
[knocking on door]
Come in!
[opening door]
[closing door]
[man] Thanks.
[Jodie] You're welcome.
[knocking on door]
[opening and closing door]
[flipping a condom]
[taking off condom]
[knocking on door]
[opening door]
[man] You've got a great ass.
[Jodie] Thanks.
-[man] Are you ready?
Can I just...
-[Jodie] Yeah.
[man] Is it okay if
I turn on the light?
[Jodie] Yeah.
So, I'm just gonna...
[taking condom]
Okay, I'm just gonna...
Ah, yeah.
Is that okay? Does it feel good?
Okay, good.
I want you to feel good.
Ah-- ah yeah, uh-- Can I, uh...
Can I ask you a weird question?
Can... can I see your face?
-Will you turn over?
-Yeah, sure. Sure.
You're beautiful.
Ah, yeah.
Oh, ah.
Oh, ah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay-- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
Ah-- ah-- Ah! Ah.
Ah, yeah.
Would you, um, wanna stay
and watch a movie or something?
[chuckling] Oh...
[opening door]
[closing door]

[music ends]