Piglady (2023) Movie Script

The girl,
they ended up--
they never did find her body,
but evidently they kept her--
she kept her somewhere
in a pen like this.
[reporter] In 2007, Caleb Jones
and his wife, Rachel,
saw an ad near the Weimer store
about help needing cutting
On the other end of that ad,
Susan Worley.
Just up the hill right here,
that's where they found
one of the--
like, an arm or a leg
or something,
just right over the hill there.
And if you look, the barn there,
it's torn down now.
[reporter] Jones says
he and his wife eventually
lived on her property.
They set up a small trailer
and helped her clean up
the property and feed her pigs.
And all of the sudden,
Worley told them they had to
He turned white as a ghost.
I mean, you can see I'm getting
chill bumps right now
just thinking about it,
because it's, like,
whenever you're that close
to somebody to escape death.
[reporter] Both of them
remember her living conditions
as being terrible.
While there was running water
on the property,
both say
there was no bathroom on site.
Her living conditions
were-- were crazy,
because she let the pigs
live in the house
and they would run through
and come and go
as she pleased as...
But there-- there was just
something about her
that was off,
that just was eerie.
[reporter] And they say news
of her arrest comes as a shock.
There were
warning signs definitely.
She-- she was always nice to me.
I remember down at the shelter,
I was looking for work...
[ominous music playing]
[woman grunting in agony]
Come on, you're almost there.
Right there.
-[woman screaming]
-[baby crying]
-[Susan] Come on.
Push. Come on.
[baby crying]
[ominous music plays]
[baby crying]
[woman] No!
[baby cooing]
-With you.
What else do we need?
Like, did the boys
prepare for anything?
Yeah, prepare, like, bring beer.
-This number keeps texting here.
-Oh, my God, it's 818.
That's, like, Burbank.
-Ew, who lives there?
-Oh, my God.
-Looking good, ladies.
-Looking good.
So my jiu-jitsu
classes are paying off.
-Girl, yes.
-Hey, baby girl!
-Looking marvelous as always.
-Thank you.
And hey, cutie!
I forget your name.
-I smoke too much weed.
-Don't ask why.
-Yeah, don't.
Girl, you're walking a pit bull
on the streets of Hillcrest.
I'm surprised
a Karen hasn't got you yet.
First of all, I am Black, gay,
and I need emotional support.
And, girl,
you know we're in California.
Why you got all that on
like you a Eskimo?
Oh, I'm Mormon now.
-Is that sheep's wool?
-Uh, yeah.
Girl, ain't no church gonna
have your scraggly ass.
[all laughing]
So, we're going to
my boyfriend's dad's house
in Oregon,
he's got a cabin up there.
We're gonna have
a little weekend fiesta.
Adrianna, meet my friends.
Marcus, Tyler, and the star
of the show, Hurricane.
Oh, my God, so cute.
Wait, why is his name Hurricane?
[both] Don't ask.
[ominous music playing]
[baby crying in distance]
[baby crying in distance]
[chain rattling]
[pig snorting]
[chain rattling]
[pig squealing]

Please, please, please.
[pigs squealing]

[baby coos]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Um, you guys should come
to the cabin with us, right?
Yes, yes!
I'm a city slicker.
This ass don't walk in grass.
And these heels don't, either.
Well, I know Hurricane
would like to get out
-of the city for a weekend.
Come on, do it for the dog.
Babe, I've been to Oregon.
And there's no place for
my beautiful, sexy Black ass.
Burning daylight, let's roll.
How was it, buddy?
There's a pandemic coming.
[ominous music playing]
[pigs growling]
[woman panting]

[pigs growling]
What is wrong with you?
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing this?
I have a baby!
Please, just leave me alone!
Don't kill me, please.
I'll do anything you want,
Say something!
What are you doing?

[grunting in pain]
[grunting in agony]
-[grunting with effort]

[baby crying]
[crying continues]
[car honking]
That must be
your prince charming.
-Well, Merry Christmas.
I hope I see you guys soon.
Please someone save me
from these cannibals
and meat eaters.
Girl, you don't eat meat?
I eat meat.
Well, I don't swallow,
but don't tell anyone.
Love her.
But speaking of secrets,
does he know yet?
[Brit] No, and I'd like
to keep it that way.
I haven't decided
if I'm keeping it or not.
You've got to
protect yourself, woman!
Funny you should say that,
-I always say that to you.
Okay, just text me
if you change your mind, okay?
Love you, love you.
Bye, Hurricane.
Girl, I love her,
but she is crazy if she has
a baby with that mess.
[mellow indie music playing]
-Who the fuck was that?
-Just some friends.
I was trying
to get them to come up.
You can't just invite people
to my parents' cabin
without asking me first.
Uh, you're such a butt plug.
What the fuck
does that supposed to mean?
Butt plug? Who has a butt plug?
Of course that's all
you got from that statement.
Jesus, guys, we haven't even
made it down the road
and you're already fighting.
All right, all right,
all right, you're right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize.
I have a chronic disorder
of douchebag,
but have no fear.
I will protect you
and I am strapped.
Strap on?
Well, I knew he was a perv,
but not you, Brit.
Oh, that shows
how little you know about me.
I know what you meant,
tough guy.
You want that. 45,
that Jesus piece.
[imitates gunshots]
That Colt 45 and two
baby that's all we need
Stop and hit the bong
like Cheech and Chong
Smoke that tumbleweed
Wait, wait, you have a gun?
Well, I mean,
I prefer a peacemaker, a heater.
That's so unnecessary.
until it's necessary.
what are you scared of, cowboy?
I don't know, you know,
vegans scare the hell out of me.
Well, you should be scared.
Listen, Adrianna,
I know you hate me,
but no matter what happens...
I'm gonna protect you.
Not because
I care about justice,
I just want to use my gun.
Oh, is this the part
where you tell us
your Second Amendment rights?
Aren't you scared
of getting arrested?
They have something
called licensing,
so if you have a gun license
and you're not with the liberal,
we should be good
according to law.
Brittany, you must be
a saint to be with this one.
I'm sorry,
I didn't hear anything.
That's gonna be
my number one tip
when I become a dating guru.
Using the excuse
of being on your phone.
Sounds like great advice.
Well, I'll be
your first patient, Brit.
Just make sure
to give me a good prescription.
Do I hear two?
I second the notion.
Dibs on uno.
Bullying and skipping line.
Why am I not surprised?
Anyway, let's be friends.
I don't wanna get shot.
Shake on it?
Let's get fucked up.
[all cheering]
Here we go! Rock and roll!
[dishes clattering]
[kettle whistling]
[ominous music playing]
Morning, Susan.
Sorry to bother you.
I know it's early, but we got
a few questions for you.
[Susan] Neighbors complaining?
Not this time.
Uh, we're just interested
to know the last time
you saw Doug Birchfield.
[Susan] Yeah,
Dougie used to work for me.
Like all of 'em.
Made some money,
got hooked back on the needle.
Were you and Mr. Birchfield
ever romantically involved?
[Susan chuckling] 'Course not.
I ain't needed a man in years.
Especially not a junkie.
I'm starting to feel
like you're up to something...
and I don't think
I like it very much.
How many pigs you got, Susan?
[Susan] Besides
the two on the porch...
30, 40.
Pig's a very
resourceful creature.
-A lot you could do with a pig.
[Susan] Yeah.
Your dad was a pig farmer,
wasn't he, Officer Raymond?
He was.
Well, you have yourself
a great day, Susan.
You think she did it?
Well, she's already lying
about their relationship.
And look at this place.
She's got every means
to dispose of a body...
including a homeless person.
Easy write off.
Don't do it.
We need probable cause.
But we'll get it.
[engine rumbles to start]
[Tony] Bro,
we should have a pig roast.
Uh, you better fucking not.
I'm down, dude. Let's do it.
[ominous music plays]
Hey, I heard
you were the one to talk to
about getting some work.
I sure could use some money
if you got anything.
[Susan] Who told you that?
I-- I don't remember, it's just
kind of the talk around here.
I don't recognize you.
Where are you from?
Uh, California.
[Susan] Can you keep a secret?
Of course, you can trust me.
I could hire you on my farm...
but I don't like people
knowing my business.
Yes, ma'am, I understand.
Appreciate it, Susan.
-You can't trust these people.
-I-- I give you my word--
If you're gonna work for me,
I gotta know I can trust you.
I-- I give you my word,
I'll keep it between you and me.
Come by my place in the morning.
Oh, thank you so much.
-I won't let you down.
It'll be good.
You won't regret it.
Nice talking to you.
I won't let you down!
[indistinct talking on radio]
[Hunter] Uh, all right, gang.
I need a drink, let's stop here
at the local Watering Hole.
-What do you say?
-[Brit] I'm game.
[Tony] I need to stop by the
store and get some booze, too.
-[Hunter] All in favor say aye.
-[all] Aye!
[bar din]
Got you a drink already, babe.
Well, I wanted to
change it up a bit.
-Get something different.
So what's the plan, Captain?
Uh, the plan is no plan,
I definitely want to do
some lounging around.
Get caught up on my beauty rest.
How about you boys?
I'd like to do some manly stuff.
Maybe teach a boy here
how to drive stick.
[all chuckling]
What does being a man even mean?
another round, please.
What? They work for me.
No, seriously.
What does
being a man consist of?
Oh, I think I would know.
Yeah, it's probably
eating a lot of meat,
so your asshole just lights up.
[Adrianna] What is
with you two and buttholes?
-I am the rubber band man
for tonight.
-Tony Tone!
-I got drinks.
But I need that, actually.
Ooh, baller!
Yeah, let's-- let's kill it
while we're here, huh?
[Brit] All right.
[Adrianna] So, what's your plan
after school, Brit?
[Brit] The plan is no plan.
How about you?
I plan on starting
my own practice.
That's if I ever finish.
I don't know, maybe I'll just
be a professional student.
No, you got this,
you're almost there.
How about you, Hunter?
What's in store for the marine?
I was always
a little too cool for school.
That's why I enlisted.
But I don't know, I would like
to start a family one day.
Oh, that's so cute.
A little baby Hunter.
-[Hunter] Baby Hunter.
-[glass shattering]
-[Tony grunting]
-[Hunter] Tony!
[others laughing]
Party foul!
No worries, Tony,
I didn't need one anyways.
[Tony chuckling]
-Were you a server?
You're so cute
when you're embarrassed.
[Susan] Fucking thing!
[Adrianna] I'm ready
to leave after this round.
Yes, please.
We just got started,
what do you want to do, Tony?
I think I want
the whole outdoor experience.
Not this "watering hole" shit.
We've been on the road all day,
I'm ready to chill.
All right, ladies.
One more, then we go.
-All right, cheers.
-Party pooping tonight.
-[Brit] What is this then?
This is a drink.
Too bad
you're not drinking with us.
-What's up with that?
-What do you think this is?
So can we leave?
-[all chuckling]
-[Hunter] Sure, I guess.
[ominous musical effect plays]
[Hunter] All right, guys,
here we are.
[Adrianna] The door was open.
This place is a pigsty.
[Hunter] See, this is why
I'm not nice to people.
Look, maybe your water broke
or something.
Kind of creepy, but whatever.
-Let's get settled in.
-Adrianna, I think
we have cucumbers if you want to
put some of your eyelids.
No, thanks,
I brought my own facial masks.
And by the way,
we only have one room available,
so me and Britt will sleep
on the air mattress.
You two can have the room.
What's wrong
with the other two rooms?
One's my mom's art studio
and the other has
a bunch of shit in it.
[Tony] What kind of shit?
Dude, I don't know,
doomsday shit.
Well, thanks, that's sweet.
You're officially
off my shit list.
Yes! My life is complete.
[Tony] How about them cucumbers?
-You're bad.
-[Tony chuckling]
Man, that is a cool shotgun.
Yeah, that was my grandpa's,
he used to take us
skeet shooting
and bird hunting as a kid.
Skeet shooting is kind of
like our family sport.
1892 Damascus steel.
12 gauge. [blows air]
She is pretty.
Please tell me
you've shot skeet before.
What, those little orange
puck-looking things?
Technically they're called
clay pigeons, but whatever.
Sweet with the skeet, bro.
Let's do it to it.
[Hunter] Okay, babe,
we're gonna go
play guns in the woods.
Be careful, Hunter.
-Don't shoot your eye out, kid.
-Will do.
Hey, take care of my man,
when I'm done with your man,
he'll be shaking it
with two hands.
[women laugh]
Saddle up, Tony.
Famous last words,
"I'll be back."
[rock music playing]
[coughing, sniffing]
[snorting, grunting]
[snorting, sighing]
[music plays on speakers]
[leaves rustling]
-[music blasting on speakers]
-[banging on door]
Just a second.
[sighs, coughs]
Uh, hey.
[Susan] Randy.
Uh, you've done a lot
to help out around this month,
so I was thinking, uh...
you don't have to worry
about the rent on the RV.
Oh, well, thank you.
I'll-- I'll do the best
I can for you. [sniffles]
[Susan] I got supper ready
if you wanna come in.
Uh, no, I got--
I got things to do, but,
uh, I appreciate
all that you've done for me.
Well, uh, I could do a lot more.
You know, I couldn't help but
notice your little habit there.
What with you speeding around
so much and all.
So, uh...
all right.
I'll let you go, but, uh...
just let me know and Mom'll
cook you up something real good.
Real good.
So, what do you have
against the Piglady?
What do you mean?
It just seems like
you're hell bent on busting her.
Is it personal?
I just don't like her.
She's a thief.
She stole one of my dad's pigs.
I'm pretty sure
she poisoned my dog.
How long ago?
I was just a kid.
But you know
what really pisses me off...
is that
she paints herself as this
heroic philanthropist
down at the shelter.
[scoffs] Whatever.
I feel you.
Let's bust this bitch.
Well, it is Christmas time.
Seems to be bodies disappear
this time every year.
Do you really think
she's behind this?
I mean...
a little petty theft
is a long shot for murder.
And besides,
with all the trimmigrants
working in the pot fields,
it may be hard to quantify.
It's just a feeling.
It's just a feeling.
You know
how stubborn Adrianna can be.
I don't know how you do it.
[ominous music playing]
[indistinct talking]
Thank you, Adrianna.
It's no whiskey,
but it'll have to do.
[Hunter grunts]
It's like rubbing alcohol.
-No, I'm good.
So, how was shooting guns today,
my little tough guy?
It was awesome. Hey, Hunter.
-Are you deaf?
I saw an axe
in the back of the shed.
In the spirit of tradition...
-Christmas tree, anyone?
Ooh, Hunter,
I think you were right.
Kind of digging
my new manly man.
who's getting laid tonight?
Who's getting laid tonight?
Or today?
Oh! Hint-hint.
That'll give me something
to look forward to, babe.
But I need to chop a tree.
-[Adrianna chuckles]
-Oh, we're not gonna do that.
You gotta learn
how to chop wood first, boy.
Oh, I see how it is.
So, you don't want it...
[all chuckling]
Oof. Oof, babe,
sometimes you want
what you can't have.
Well, it's fine.
We need girl time anyways.
Yeah, it'll give us
a chance to talk about you.
Go on, do your manly stuff.
[sighs in effort] let's go.
Let's grab our coats.
First thing you need to know
about chopping wood,
it's all positioning
on the handle.
[Brit] Be careful.
Well, I need help
with your cooking skills.
I'm gonna make dinner.
Sure thing. My pleasure.
What're we having, captain?
[Brittany] I was thinking
something easy.
Maybe spaghetti?
They can have the meatballs
after you get your food.
-Thanks, babe.
All right,
let's clean this up. [sighs]
I love that
they're getting along.
[ominous music playing]
Okay, so how can I help you
with my cooking expertise?
[pigs oink in distance]
[Randy] Hey, uh, man, I, uh,
I think
I'll take you up on your offer.
You got me a little bit curious.
You want a bump?
Oh, wow, thanks.
[tense music playing]
[Randy groans]
[clears throat, coughs]

[singing lullaby
in other language]
[Susan] Hey, honey.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I just need you awake for this.
Uh, how long have I been out?
[Susan] Not long.
Hey, why am I--
Hey, why am I tied to the bed?
Hey, what in the hell?
What in the fuck?
Why am I tied to the bed?
What in the fuck is going on?
I want out of here!
Why am I tied to the bed?
I've seen you looking at me.
What the fuck?
[Randy whimpers]

[deep eerie music playing]
Are they smoking? [scoffs]
Tony will take any opportunity
he gets to roll a joint.
They're so silly.
-What are they even doing?
-I have no idea.
I'm gonna make a drink,
do you want one?
Maybe in a minute.
Guys are so strange.
I mean,
how they go around roaring
and beating their chest
over nothing.
I mean, it's almost primal.
Yeah, it's almost as if
they're subconsciously clinging
to the last
of their masculinity.
[ice clunking]
I mean,
I guess I shouldn't complain.
At least there's some
manly men left in the world.
It does seem
to be a dying species.
I try and let him run free,
but at the end of the day,
he's such a moron.
They need us to keep them tame.
Tony would be lost without me.
Or maybe
we'd be lost without them.
[Hunter] You wanna ask
your mommy for permission?
-[Hunter] Come on, dude.
-[Tony] Fuck you, dude.
I got this.
-[Hunter laughs]
-[Tony] What? What is it now?
[Hunter] Nothing, man.
As you are, as you are.
You gonna keep doing this
every time that I swing?
I'm happy
you're cutting it, man.
-Oh, man. Come on.
-You're doing good.
What, are you cold, pretty boy?
[ominous music playing]
How does that feel?
[sighs] Good.
Well, let's finish the job.
What is that? Do you see it?
[Hunter] What?
-Dude, I don't know.
-Never mind, dude.
Never mind.
[Tony exhales sharply]
-Try that.
-[Hunter] There she is.
[Tony breathing heavily]
[Tony] Oh, there it is.
[both] Timber!
Tell me about that story,
you know,
what you were saying
about the Piglady?
there was just some folklore
around a couple
of disappearances,
one being her husband.
Apparently, she would feed
the victims to her pigs
and she had an ongoing
relationship with them
or something,
I don't know, Tony.
-I don't know.
-You mean like beastiality?
You tell me
she's a fucking pig whisperer.
I think she just looks scary.
I mean,
I've been there
a few times with my dad
-and I'm still alive.
she wouldn't kill a customer.
It's a bad business.
Yeah, I don't know,
I just don't want to
piss off my girlfriend.
Man the fuck up
and grow some balls.
That's what she secretly
wants anyways, Tony.
I don't think making eye contact
with a flaming pig head
is what she wants, bro.
Well then
she can get over it then.
Here's what
we're gonna do, Tony.
We'll sneak out
tomorrow after breakfast,
we'll get the pig
and the roast
will take place far,
far from the cabin.
And that's as nice as I can be.
-Come on, let's do it.
-[Tony sighs]
[Tony] All right.
[leaves crunching]
You boys don't belong here.
It's much too dangerous for you.
Just passing by, bud.
-What a view, huh?
-[Tony] Mm-hmm.
That's what it's all about.
[Tony] What are we sipping on?
Devil's gut.
Cheers. To the pig lady.
Skoal to experiences.
Let's head back.
Always leave a tool
how you found it, Tony.
Let's go sharpen this blade.
Saddle up.
Don't be modest, Tony. Come on.
[engine revving]
[Hunter whoops]
[ominous music plays]
Should have power in here.
Take that,
so you can latch it back.
[metallic whirring]
dramatic drum beat plays]
Just latch that back
when you're done, Tony.
I got you.

-Yo, Hunter, come here.
-[Hunter] Yeah?
Come here, come here, come here.
[Hunter] What?
I swear, I'm seeing things.
I'm not crazy, I sw--
[Hunter] What the fuck
are you seeing, dude?
Come on.
When you pine for the
of a friendly gaze
For the holidays,
you can't beat home sweet home

I met a man
who lives in Tennessee
Oh, shit. [chuckles]
[Tony grunts] Yep, yep, yep.
[Hunter chuckles]
What the fuck?
We just cut this tree.
Sorry. We found it in storage.
We thought you guys were drunk
in the woods by now.
I thought you guys were doing
some Brokeback Mountain shit.
Oh, are you jealous?
Just-- I'll put it--
Sorry, Tony.
You had the experience at least.
-Keep your head up, kid.
-Can you guys replant it?
[Tony] No, we can't replant it.
It's dead.
We already cut it down.
-That's not my problem.
-[Adrianna] Get out of here.
If you want to be happy
in a million ways
For the Holidays,
you can't beat home sweet home

I think it looks good.
[Tony] You know,
I can't figure out a way
to put this on.
I'm not the best
at this kind of thing.
[Adrianna] You can just
push it through.
Hey, Adrianna.
Your boy's been having
hallucinations today.
[Adrianna] Really?
Like dead people?
Uh, no, like pigs.
And I know it sounds crazy.
I swear,
pigs running by the shed,
by the jacuzzi.
Is it the cute little pink ones
with wings?
Okay, whatever, Brittany.
[Adrianna] This looks good here.
Oh, okay.
Well, I think
this looks good here.
[Adrianna] [laughs] Oh, you do?
And here and--
Should we just go upstairs?
Well, let's do that, yeah.
Let's go upstairs.
I think-- I think so.
I'm the only one
fixing the tree over here.
[Adrianna] Good night, guys.
-You want a bite?
-Are you sure?
-You having a good time?
[ominous music plays]
[Adrianna] Is this your version
of a Christmas story?
It's a little loud.
Can you turn it down, please?
They've got to be
the most sadistic couple
on Earth.
Halloween on Christmas?
Sorry, we must have fell asleep.
I thought you were dead.
You wouldn't get that lucky.
All right, let's walk three feet
to a bed of air.
I'll have to say
sex on the air mattress
is new for me.
It kind of turns me on.
How about you?
Turns me on maybe,
but not a first.
Ooh, competition.
-I like it.
-[Brit chuckles]
But be gentle with me.
I'm innocent.
I'll hurt you
in a good kind of way.
Some boys have all the luck.
Tell me about it.
But better yet, show me.
[pigs oink]
That's the house right there.
-[pig oinks]
-[knocking on door]
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to bother you.
We actually just wanna purchase
a pig from you.
[Susan] How big you want?
Uh, uh, just enough
to feed a few people.
[Susan] $2 a pound
is typically what I charge.
-You gonna haul it off?
-Yes, ma'am.
[Susan] 100-- 125.
Okay, uh, we'll take it.
[Susan] Randy!
[Susan] Butcher these kids
a suckling.
Which one?
[Susan] One of the little ones.
You want it butchered or killed?
Uh, both, please.
I'm sorry, you'll have to
forgive my friend.
He's not used to killing
what he eats.
We're gonna do the butchering.
-[Susan] California?
-[Tony] Yes, ma'am.
Randy will take care of you.
Hope you ain't got far to go.
just over the mountain here.
Staying at my dad's cabin.
[Susan] Over the mountain?
Is your dad Henry?
That's him.
[Susan] Tell him
to quit calling,
my land ain't for sale.
I'll pass it along.
I'm not here to take your land
from you, Miss.
I try to stay out
of my family business.
-But you have a good day.
-[Susan] All right.
And you have yourselves
a good stay.
[Hunter] Thank you.
Unless you boys
want to hang around,
I suggest you go wait down there
if you can't handle the reality.
[Hunter] We'll wait in the Jeep.
[Tony] Thanks.
You told 'em
where we were staying?
Don't worry about it, Tony,
I've been dying to use my weapon
[pigs squealing]
-[Hunter chuckles]
-[Tony exhales sharply]
Something's not right with you,
I figured
you'd want to be out there.
You know, watching him
blow a pig's head off.
Too up close
and personal for me, Tony.
I'm retired.
But after the fact, no problem.
[slow, relaxing music plays]
Brit, did you fill up
the hot tub yet?
Of course, just like you asked.
You're the best, babe.
Did you even bring trunks?
I got my boxers.
I think it's gonna rain.
Ah, they have a saying
in Oregon.
Wait five minutes,
the weather changes.
[chuckles] Okay.
Tony! Hot tub in five.
Adrianna! Hot tub in ten.
-[Adrianna] 10-4.
-It's a date.
[water bubbling]

[Hunter] Oh, what a life, Tony.
[Brittany] Oh, my God.
I'm so ready for this.
[Tony] Damn, ladies!
It better be hot, boys.
[Hunter] The water's warm.
Come on in.
Don't mind if I do, boys.
[Hunter] Ooh!
[Adrianna] Okay,
-she's showing tit!
They're not gonna
hang like this forever.
I have more class than that.
So bougie.
My parents taught me better.
My parents taught me shit.
Yeah, well,
I think that my mom was a slut.
So, Tony,
what do you think about it?
Hmm, you know, I think, uh...
I say fuck it.
Fuck it. It's Christmas. YOLO!
[whoops and chuckles]
-See? Freedom.
-[Adrianna] Oh, my God.
It's kind of nice,
I'm not gonna lie.
[dramatic beat plays]
[Adrianna] I feel like we should
have some more bubbles though,
don't you think?
No? Okay.
I saw a creek in the back,
maybe we can go skinny dipping
next time.
Oh, I like
where your mind is headed.
[eerie music plays]
Yeah, the temperature's good.
Holy shit, Tony, I don't think
you're crazy after all.
Guys, look at the pigs!
-[Adrianna] Look! Right there.
I don't see anything.
It was literally right there.
I think both of you
are losing your shit.
[Brittany] I think you're crazy.
[Hunter] So, Tony,
how about that campfire?
[Tony] Yeah, man.
That's a good idea.
What's taking them so long?
Let's just get dressed
and head down to the fire.
We don't need them to escort us.
Yeah, we might want
to hang out here for a few.
Son of a bitch. Pig roast?
He can sleep
on the fucking couch.
And what were you trying to do?
Hide it from me?
I'm not hiding
anything from you,
I just told you.
Yeah, after hiding it
the whole time.
Nobody's hiding
shit from you, girl.
We're all just trying
to have a good time,
which seems impossible for some.
You know,
you've been in SoCal too long.
Take that pussy
off its pedestal.
What the fuck does that mean,
Oh, I'm the bitch?
I'm sorry,
let the three of us just
roll out the red carpet for you
and cater on your every need.
I don't see how Tony does it.
You are a fucking bitch
and don't include
my boyfriend's name
-in your mouth.
-[Brittany] Really?
Is that how you're gonna be?
Then go to your room, child,
before I go the fuck off!
[deep ominous music plays]
Hey, girl. Let's not argue.
I know you can hear me.
Let's just appreciate
the differences.
[Adrianna] I'm listening.
I'll ask the boys not to leave
any remains after dinner,
but they've got a fire going,
and I really wanna hang out
with you.
[Adrianna] Okay. You're right.
I'm sorry
for being such a prima donna.
[Brittany] All right.
Go get ready. Come on.
-I'm guessing it's cold outside?
-Yes, grab a coat.
Well, I hope you know
where you're going.
I don't want to get lost
in the woods.
Hunter left out glow sticks.
Of course he did.
Adrianna, the one good thing
about dating a Marine
is that they always lead
the way.
[Adrianna] Well,
at least he's thoughtful.
Tony's thoughtful, too.
I wish Hunter
was more thoughtful,
but what are you gonna do?
[Adrianna] Oh, fuck!
-God, are you okay?
-[Adrianna] Ow, no!
Why does this happen to me?
-Because you're a bitch.
-[Adrianna] Oh, fuck you, bitch.
[Brittany] A long weekend.

[Adrianna] Goddamn it, Tony.
What the fuck?
Oh, fuck, babe,
you weren't supposed
to see this.
I thought you were eating,
not carving up flesh!
My God. Sorry, don't hate me.
I'm gonna come grab you
when I'm all cleaned up.
I love you!
[Brittany] Adrianna!
Why is she limping?
I don't know how you do it, man.
All right, let's just finish
-what we started.
-[Tony sighs]
[Tony] Oh, man, okay.
I'm fucked,
you know that, right?
No, you're fine. Come on.
She'll get over it.
No one's getting laid tonight.
[eerie music plays]
Tony, what do you think
about your first pig roast?
-[Tony grunts]
-Let him finish.
I-- I didn't get to start.
Uh, to be honest,
it was an experience.
-That you'll never do again.
-[Brit chuckles]
No, I'll do it again.
No, I will definitely
do it again.
[Hunter] My man, my man, my man.
But-- but-- but what I wanna
do differently the next time
is I want to actually kill
the pig.
I wanna-- I wanna hunt,
trap, and kill the pig.
You know, get a little--
little primal situation
going before
otherwise I feel bad, you know?
Just seeing a dead pig
hanging up and all that, so...
why aren't you fucking drinking?
One of us
has to be the responsible one
-and pace ourselves.
-Since when are you that person?
Party pooper!
I'm glad my intoxication levels
are of the utmost concern.
[Tony] Honestly,
I'm with you, Brit.
Thank you.
Ah, I say we king her
designated driver
or something
at least comparable.
I second that notion, Tony.
All in favor say aye.
-[Brittany] Aye.
-[Adrianna] Aye.
[Hunter] Any opposed?
[Brittany] Well, I am honored.
Now, baby,
can you massage my shoulders?
You know,
I should hate the process,
but that pig roast was so good.
You boys did a great job.
Don't hate the process,
Here we go.
Didn't you used to eat meat?
that was before I was educated
-on this topic.
-[Brittany] Oh!
Or before you were a victim
of propaganda.
Okay, no. Come on, guys.
We were just all friendly,
Let's not go there.
-Let's keep it down.
-My bad, my bad.
-Think before you speak.
-Okay, okay, okay.
Damn it.
Tony, you take the floor,
I'm not winning this one.
I got a little something
to lighten the spirits
and give us
a little Christmas spirit...
-[Hunter] Okay.
-...if you will.
It's a little poem.
I didn't write it.
-I hope it rhymes.
-Her and her rhymes.
It's a poem, so it rhymes,
-I love a good rhyme.
Uh, it goes
a little something like this.
[ominous music plays]
"T'was the night
before Christmas.
When all through the house
not a creature was stirring."
-Except for a mouse.
-[Tony] No, not even a mouse.
Honestly, I don't know
the rest of that, so...
-[all laughing]
-Oh, come on!
-I was getting into it.
-I know.
Well, let me get you
back into it.
-[Brittany] The suspense.
-[Tony] I gotta just pull it up.
"Not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care.
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
soon would be there.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
while visions of sugar plums
danced in their heads."
Oh, baby, you're so sweet.
-Who's getting laid tonight?
-[Tony] Ah, come on.
You wanna place a wager?
[Tony] Probably-- probably you,
Mr. Manly Man.
Oh, God.
Oh, looks like
you're winning the game here.
[Brittany] Thank you
for bringing us here.
-I'm glad you came. Thank you.
-[Brittany] Of course.
[Adrianna] The one good thing
you did for us.
Oh, is that a compliment?
[Adrianna] [chuckles]
That was a compliment.
-[Hunter] I'll take it.
-[all laughing]
[Hunter] If that's all
I can get from you.
You know,
you two have been going at it
since the moment
we left this trip.
Come on. Okay, we're cool.
Right, Hunter?
Let's pump it out. Huh?
I'll take it.
I'll take it for now. Yeah.
Well, on that note,
I am gonna order a pizza
since you savages
had your feast.
-Which way is the house?
-This way.
This way. Go this way.
[Tony] No, Hunter. Babe--
Come on, Hunter!
I thought
we just had a thing going.
You know I gotta fuck it up,
come on.
[Brittany] Do you need a lamp?
[Adrianna] Uh, I have my phone.
Don't save me a piece
unless there's pepperoni on it!
I love to watch you leave.
How romantic.
[Tony] Babe,
save me a piece, please.
[Adrianna sighs]

Well, ladies,
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Baby, why don't you just go
pop a squat in the woods?
I said restroom.
Who said anything
about a number one?
-Fucking disgusting.
-[laughs] You asked for it.
[Tony] Hey, uh,
bring me back a slice please.
And my girlfriend.
And make sure
you wash your hands.
And make sure
you clean it up before I go.
Two in the pink,
one in the stink!
[Brittany] Shocker!
Behave yourselves, boys.

-[Marcus exclaims]
-[Brittany screaming]
Oh, my God, asshole!
What are you trying to do?
Give me a miscarriage?
[Marcus] I know, I know.
[Hunter] Tony, come the fuck on!
It's okay, Hunter.
It's just my friend Marcus.
Marcus from Hillcrest.
I'm Marcus.
[Hunter] You gave me
a fucking heart attack.
You see what I'm saying, Brit?
Figures you'd have
a little boy toy
running around with you.
Yeah, I don't think he was ready
-for this little escapade.
You would have done
the same thing, Hunter.
Do not compare us.
Ease up
and turn down that headlamp.
Are you trying to blind us?
Let me ask you.
Have you ever been blown
by a tranny?
Uh... [chuckles]
-Come again?
-[Marcus] You heard me.
No fucking way!
I brought extra
because I figured you'd want.
Oh, my God.
[Hunter] Well,
why didn't you say so?
I've been dreaming
of a white Christmas.
Just like the ones
I used to know
I was worried the fuck out.
What happened? Who was that?
That was the snowman, Tony.
Christmas comes early this year.
[Tony] Bullshit.
How much does he have?
[Tony] Enough to kill a snowman?
And his reindeer.
Let's hit that.
[Tony] Oh, fuck! My man!
[laughing] I love you.
I'm so glad you're here.
What made you decide
on this voyage?
Was it my pitch?
I need-- I need
a little adventure in my life.
-And why not? It's Christmas.
-[Brittany] Great.
But what about work?
I told my boss
I had a family emergency.
[Brittany] Classic.
But thanks for bringing blow
the one time I can't do any.
Sorry. I know, I had to, Brit.
-I won't let you do any, girl.
[eerie music plays]
-[killer exclaims]
[intense eerie music plays]
[killer exclaims]
[killer chuckles]
Please, no! Please! No!
Please, just leave me alone!
No! [sobbing]
[breathing shakily] No!

God, dude!
[laughing] Surprise!
There's Tyler.
Oh, my God! I knew it!
Okay, I really need to pee
or I'm gonna go in my leggings.
Where the hell's Adrianna?
Probably in the cabin pouting.
I'll let her know
we're in the presence
of your majesty.
Tell that sack of trash
I said get her ass out here.
Got it.
-[intense music plays]
-[leaves rustling]
-[breathing shakily]
[sobbing and panting]
-[dramatic beat plays]
-[toilet flushing]
[tense music plays]
[pig squeals]
[sobs] Brit!
[sobs] Brit!
[Brittany] Adrianna!
[Adrianna sobbing]
[pig oinks]
-Where did you guys come from?
-[pig squeals]
All right, it's okay.
You guys are shaking.
[sinister music plays]
[pigs growling]

[Tyler] [laughing]
You scary bitches!
I figured you were out there
lurking somewhere.
Mm-hmm. How'd you know?
I can smell your perfume
a mile away.
I sure hope so.
I sprayed on
my Dolce, okurrr.
-Hi. I'm Tyler.
And that girl you heard scream?
Hell of an introduction, Tyler.
No, thanks. Sorry.
I didn't mean to catch you
with your hands full.
Actually I haven't seen my cock
since you scared me.
Last time I checked
I think it was in my ass.
I'm sure you know a little
something about that, don't you?
What? Your asshole?
Whatever, man.
I suck at being a smart ass.
[Tyler] Yeah, you do.
-[Hunter] Marcus!
[Marcus] Are we ready
to get this party started?
-[Tyler] Yas queen!
-[Hunter] Bravo.
-[Tyler] About time!
-I mean, right?
[Hunter] Ladies and gentlemen,
bump, anybody?
[Tyler] Do you have
the proper tools?
Blades, dollar bills.
You must not know who I am.
Ooh, a real tough guy.
Chop-chop! We ain't got all day.
Tony Tone, next in line.
Step right up.
I'm gonna go get Hurricane.
I'll be back.
One more, then you go, Marcus.
[frightened panting]
They know
I got prescriptions
Yeah, numb my self
That'll probably stop
the bitchin'
Locked 'em in his office
with a ostrich
And a coffin in it
Robbed 'em
of a lot a Ritalin
God is always on my side
'Cause I'm always honest
with 'em
Now I'm doing fine
No more drama
in my life
[ominous music plays]
[both scream]
Now I carry myself
like Kanye
Mix music, fashion hysteria,
sippin' Bombay
Have a rich baby,
marry Ariana Grande
Maybe she can call Drake,
help me get my songs played
[phone rings]
I spit about
Stranger Things
That's Mill Bobby got
a pill hobby for real doggie
Like Bill Cosby, God,
I feel groggy

In this house on the hill,
mouth full of molly
Trip to the lobby
Land on the couch
with a hottie
[breathing heavily]

Did someone order
the vegan pizza?
[pigs grunting]
[dog whimpers]
[Hurricane barking]

[Hurricane whimpering,
[whimpering, barking stops]
Hurricane. Hurricane.
[both screaming]

[door creaking]
[pigs grunting]

Who was that?
You guys never quit, do you?
Judging by the scream,
I would say that's a bitch.
[Tyler] Yeah.
You never know what
you're gonna get with Marcus.
He's a mixed bag.
I haven't seen
the girls in a while.
I'm gonna go see
what's popping.
What, are you scared?
[laughs] No.
I did not come
all the way here
to hang out
with choads all night.
And who knows?
could be the fuck out there.
-I think he's scared, Tony.
That he is.
[pigs oinking]
And thanks
for the party favor.
You got it! [chuckles]
the next round is on you.
I have scales in the drawer
left of the sink.
Weight me out an eight ball.
[Tyler] Aye, aye captain.
Shake it, don't break it,
[all laughing]
I break dicks.
[Tony] [indistinct]
Hey, that dude, bro.

Y'all bitches
better not be sleeping.
I will not allow it.
Y'all better have
some sparkling seltzer, okay?
Okay. Well,
I will settle for wine.
[footsteps approaching]
[Susan breathing heavily]
[both grunting]

[Tyler] Shit.
[Tyler grunting]
[glass shattering]
[Tyler groaning]
Where the hell is everybody?
I feel like I'm missing out.
No one cares, man.
Although it is kind of weird
that Brittany's not out here.
She loves campfires.
Yeah, I'm gonna go check.
And give me your keys.
I'm gonna go
get my weed and my money.
All right,
I'm right behind you.
I'm just going to
put out this campfire.
[Tony] Yep.
[eerie music plays]
[Tony screams]
[engine revving]
[Susan screaming]
[Susan screaming]
[Tony yelps] Shit!
[car horn honking]
[distant car horn honking]
[car horn honking]
[pings oinking]
[engine revving]
[pigs grunting]
Fucking shit!
Who moved
the fucking glow sticks?
Who moved
the fucking glow sticks?
[pigs grunting]
[exhales sharply] Tony!
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'll fucking get 'em, Tony.
I will get 'em, buddy.
I will fucking get 'em.
I'm gonna get 'em, Tony.
I'm gonna fucking get 'em.
I'll fucking kill 'em, Tony.
[Brittany] Hunter, down here.
Thank God you're okay, babe.
They fucking killed Tony.
She killed everyone.
Who is she?
It's the fucking pig lady.
[Brittany] Just come down here
and wait on help.
[Hunter] Oh, Jesus,
it's all my fault, baby.
I'm so sorry
for bringing you--
No, no it's not, baby.
Just come down here.
They fucking killed Tony.
[Brittany] Where are you going?
[Hunter] I'm going to
fucking kill this bitch!
[Brittany] No! Don't leave! No!
[pigs grunting]
I know you're out there,
[Hunter groaning in pain]
Right, ho!
Motherfucker's running!
[Hunter exclaims]
[both grunting]
[Hunter] You fucking bitch!
[Hunter] Fucking bitch!
[both grunting]
[gunshots firing]
[pigs oinking]

[breathing heavily]
[blade hacking]
[pigs oinking]

[Susan] Randy!
-[gunshots firing]
-Susan grunts]
[pigs grunting]

[baby crying]
[radio beeps and crackles]
[officer over radio]
Christmas came early this year.
We got a noise
complaint on Susan,
but that's not
the good part.
The church gave us
a warning.
Apparently Miss... [radio cuts]
...has been using
her former employees'
food stamps.
The missing employees?
[officer] Affirmative.
10-4. Copy that.
There was an old woman
and she had a little pig
There was an old woman
and she had a little pig
It didn't cost much,
'cause it wasn't very big
[siren wailing]
That little pig caused
a lot of harm
[ominous music plays]