Pigskin Parade (1936) Movie Script

So, gentlemen, I urge you
to deliberate most carefully...
before reaching a decision
on so vital and momentous a question.
- Yes. Yes, of course.
- Mr. President.
I agree with our eminent professor
of metaphysics...
and I suggest that we postpone
further consideration of this-
- No, no! Definitely no!
- I object!
I must remind Professor Pillsbury...
that we cannot procrastinate further.
The press and public
await our verdict impatiently.
We must act today.
- Now!
- Right. Right, right, right.
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
After careful
and scientific analysis...
it is the opinion
of the department of mathematics...
that Yale University
can beat the pants off Michigan.
I disagree.
Look at what Michigan's team
did to Northwestern.
- Ah!
- You still owe me 50 cents from that game.
I do not, sir! I paid you.
- You never paid me that 50 cents.
- I distinctly remember-
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Remember that this great football classic
comes on Armistice Day...
just one week
before we play Harvard...
and we dare not risk facing
as strong a team as Michigan.
We must find a more
desirable opponent.
May I suggest Arkansas Normal?
I'm afraid not.
This game is for charity.
We cannot select too weak an opponent,
or no one will come to see it.
Then how about Nebraska?
- Oh, no!
- Definitely not.
- Well, sir?
- We've decided on the University ofTexas.
- Texas?
- Yes.
Will you see that an invitation is sent
and that the newspapers are notified?
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
Vacate, son.
The game won't draw flies
unless the players bring their horses.
- Look it up for me, will you, Freddy?
- Look what up?
- The address ofTexas.
- The address ofTexas?
Texas University, you flathead!
There's two of'em.
Which one do you want?
"Yale University takes great pleasure
in hereby inviting you"-
- What?
- Which one?
Texas University, I told you.
Prairie, Texas.
Grand Central Station!
All out.
Where are the showers?
- Here I come!
- Alley-oop.
Time out for Texas.
Hey! We oughta have
the new coach look you over.
- Don't worry. He will.
- Remember, he's married.
And you know what
football coaches' wives are like.
I'll say. They think a forward pass
is something a girl shouldn't make at a boy.
Hey, Zeb.
Is the Fort Worth train on time?
Maybe. Tell you when she gets in.
Aimin' to go someplace?
No. We're meeting the new football coach.
He's coming all the way from New York.
Boy, we're gonna have
a team this year.
We're gonna put T.S.U. on the map!
Looks like it's fixin' to rain.
- We oughta make him cheerleader.
- Yeah.
- Seen anything of Biff Bentley?
- No.
Fine thing if the captain
of the team isn't here.
We won't have much of a captain
if Sally Saxon doesn't let him alone.
Oh, here's Biff now!
Our captain's tackling
awfully high this season.
- The new coach'll fix that.
- Hiya, fellows. Sorry I'm late.
- Flat tire.
- I see you brought it with you.
- Hello.
- Hello, honey. Just talking about you.
And all the time I thought
it was your engine knocking, darling.
- Hey, you two will have to cut that out.
- Jealous, Chippy dear?
Remember, Biff's in training.
Biff doesn't need any training.
He's perfect now.
You'll all have to toe the mark this season
with the new coach.
- Suits me. As long as he can teach us football.
- He will.
Boy, I sure had a tough time
luring him away from Flushing.
- Flushing what?
- Flushing, Long Island, and no wisecracks!
Are you packed yet, sweetheart?
Come on.
Stop kidding and step on it.
- What the-
- Oh, excuse me, darling.
Now, listen. Don't pull
any of those offside plays on me.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- Sorry?
Not half as sorry as you're going to be for
dragging me out here to this forsaken desert!
Flushing was a heaven compared to this.
Are you sure you didn't
join the Foreign Legion?
Now, what's wrong with Texas?
Look at that sky, that sand.
You can have it.
I'll take Coney Island.
The wind, the wide-open spaces.
That's wide enough.
You can shut it now.
- Where men are men.
- Yeah, and I'm stuck with you.
And you're stuck with-
Oh, there you go again. Always belittlin'.
Look here, Bessie.
I'm gonna be a big shot down here.
What'll people think of a football coach
whose wife is always-
- Go on and finish dressing.
- Look, you can't talk to me like-
- I said, finish dressing!
- Well, that's different. All right, all right.
- Prairie! Next stop, Prairie!
- Come on. Let's hurry.
What we've always needed is a two-fisted
coach who could give it and take it.
Now, at last, we've got one.
- Here she comes!
- Oh, boy! Come on!
Come on. We're in.
- Hurry up!
- Oh.
Hey, that must be them.
Here they are, fellas!
Hey, Mr. Winters!
Mr. Winters?
- Mr. Winters?
- Yeah. How'd you guess?
I'm Carson, athletic manager
and publicity director for T.S.U.
Pleased to meet you.
My name is Winters.
I suppose this is Mrs. Winters?
Well, if Winters comes,
can Mrs. Winters be far behind?
May I present Miss Watson, Miss Jones,
Miss Saxon and Tommy Barker?
- This is Biff Bentley, our captain.
- How are ya?
- My name's Winters.
- Oh.
On behalf of the faculty
and student body...
I want to welcome you both
to Texas State University.
And we hope that,
as coach of the football team...
you will bring success
and glory to T.S. U...
and to yourself.
I want to thank you,
fellows and girls.
And on behalf of
Mrs. Winters and myself-
- You can leave me out of this.
- You can leave me out-
I want to say...
that it's a great deal of pleasure.
For dear old Texas, I thank you.
That's the best speech
you've ever made.
Well, the car's right over here, Mr. Winters.
Well, fine. You know,
I'm going to be very happy down here.
- Swell.
- And I think we're gonna have a great season.
You look like first-class material-
a rough and ready bunch of youngsters
who aren't afraid to go in there and fight.
I've started seasons with worse-looking players
and turned them into champions.
With your brawn
and my, uh, experience...
we'll be a tough outfit to beat.
I want to get to know
all you fellows personally...
and I want you all to know me.
Say, they look pretty thin.
What's the matter? Diet?
Oh, they play a lot better
than they look, Mrs. Winters.
- Huh. I hope so.
- Oh, sure. Move over.
You see Biff Bentley there?
Why, he was all-state fullback last year.
He's great. He can pass, kick and run-
a real triple-threat man.
Got anybody else that's good?
Well, we will have when Mr. Winters
gets through with 'em.
He's gonna do big things here,
Mrs. Winters.
- We've got as much confidence in
your husband as you have. - Yeah-
I hate to talk about myself...
but last year in Flushing,
where I turned out, as you might have heard...
one of the greatest, one of the-
Just a minute, fellas.
Excuse us, folks.
Pardon us.
- What'd I say now?
- Nothing. It's what you were gonna say.
- Listen, I want you to find out something.
- What?
- When does the next train leave for New York?
- Why?
Why? You're no magician.
The day of miracles is past.
Go home and pack your toothbrush,
and let's go back to Flushing.
Wait a minute. Go back there
and coach those high school kids again?
Here I've got a chance to coach a college team
and get myself a reputation.
Yeah, a reputation that'll keep you
out of a job for the rest of your life.
- You can't make a team out of that herd!
- I can't, eh?
Listen, in my dictionary,
there's no such a word as "can't."
Brawn isn't the only thing that
wins football games. It takes brains.
At last we agree on something.
- Now let's get out of here while we still have the fare.
- Hey, Chip!
- Hey, Chip!
- Yeah, here I am.
Chip, read that.
- What is it, Chip? What is it?
- Yeow! Whoo!
Look, Mr. Winters.
"Yale University cordially invites
Texas State University to play its football team...
on Wednesday, November 11."
- Say, is this on the level?
- Sure, it is.
Gee, they must've known
you were coming down here, Mr. Winters!
- Yeah.
- We'll wire an acceptance right away.
Wait. Just a minute.
Just a minute, fellas.
Now, Yale's got a pretty heavy team.
I'm no magician. The day of miracles is past.
You can't expect to take a team that-
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean, "can't"? In our dictionary,
there's no such a word as "can't."
Brawn ain't the only thing that wins
football games. It takes brains.
Send that wire to Yale.
Tell 'em that I-
That-That-That, uh-
Tell 'em that we accept.
Sparks, you were instructed
to invite the University ofTexas...
not Texas State University,
you confounded idiot.
I'm sorry, sir.
I could withdraw the invitation...
and send another
to the University ofTexas.
Gentlemen, we can't do that.
That would be an obvious insult.
Professor Pillsbury is right.
Yes, yes, yes.
I find Texas State
hasn't won a game in two years.
A fine opponent
for a big charity game.
We'll be the laughingstock
of the nation.
Young man, I must ask
for your resignation.
Just a minute, Dr. Burke.
May I say a few words?
Three teams have come
out of the south...
teams that the north never heard of
until they played Famous Northern 11 's.
Remember Center of Kentucky
when they played Harvard?
Well, publicity made those games interesting,
and publicity can do it again.
Why, I know all about
this Texas State University team.
- You do?
- Of course.
They're light and fast and play
a brand of football we don't see up here.
They're tricky.
They're unorthodox.
They throw that pigskin around
like an apple.
Gentlemen, it's David and Goliath-
little David from the South,
and big Goliath from the North.
Give me a chance, gentlemen.
Give me a chance.
I'll build this game up to the point
where everyone will be fighting for tickets.
It's a natural!
Sparks, I don't think you know a thing
about Texas State...
and I'd advise you
not to try and find out.
But I do like your imagination.
- You go ahead and let it run wild.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you, gentlemen.
All I can say is, "Watch the sports page
of your favorite newspaper!"
- Wonder what position she plays on the team.
- She's the drawback.
Fellow students, before we hear any speeches
and before we introduce the new coach...
what do you say
we have a little music?
We want Ginger! We want Tommy!
We want Ginger!
- We want Tommy!
- All right, all right. You want Ginger? Here she is.
Fellows and ladies, this is the biggest day
in the history of our alma mater.
From this day on, there's only one thought
in the mind of every man and woman at T.S. U...
and that is, beat Yale!
I don't know how we happened to be
honored with the invitation to play Yale...
but, well, I have my suspicions.
And the man who I think
is responsible for the invitation...
is the man who is gonna
turn that invitation...
into the greatest football victory
in the history ofTexas.
Do I have to tell you who he is?
You tell me!
Come on, everybody.
Let's have three for Coach Slug Winters!
Coach Slug Winters!
Rah, rah, rah! Coach Slug Winters!
Now, folks, we have a little number
written especially for tonight...
sung by the boys who wrote it.
Do you wanna hear it?
That's the old Texas spirit, fellas.
Keep it up, and we'll lick the world.
Well, that's all.
Good night, everybody.
You won't mind if I don't take you home,
will you, Laura?
I gotta hurry to town
to the newspaper office.
You run right along, dear.
Don't let me interfere with your work.
You know nothin' else could
keep me away from you, beautiful.
- You want to know something else?
- What?
- Will you keep it a secret?
- Uh-huh.
I love you so much it makes me quiver all over.
And I don't care who knows it!
Try that number 16 play again.
And no fumbles this time.
Twenty-one, 38.
What's the matter with you?
Can't you hold on to the ball?
And who, may I ask,
is that big lummox?
That's my brother Elmer.
Well, never mind, honey.
There's one in every family.
I'll have you know Elmer is the best
basketball player in this whole state.
We've got a great basketball team.
- Yeah. Haven't lost a game in five years.
- Basketball.
That's a big help.
How's your domino team?
Say, any more basketball players
in that alleged football squad?
Yeah, there's four of'em.
There's Biff Bentley, Connors, Link and Mather.
Excuse me!
Hey, Slug! Come here!
Oh! Okay.
Put them through
that last play again, Biff.
Come on, fellas.
Get in there. That was terrible.
- Hurry up.
- What do you want now?
Have you read this article, stupid?
Yeah, yeah.
I thought it was very flattering.
Don't you realize
there's a sensational idea in what it says?
You've got a lot of great
basketball players out there.
Yeah, but I'm trying
to teach them to play football.
- You've got to teach them to
play basketball-football. - I know-
- Basketball-football?
- Right!
Oh, listen, honey.
Do you feel all right?
Maybe you'd better go home and lie down
for a while. This Texas heat has got you.
Listen, lug, there's nothing
wrong with me. It's you!
Here's the answer to all your problems in black
and white, and you're too dumb to see it!
- All right. What do you want me to do?
- Practice what they preach.
- Quit talking riddles.
- Look, you've got four great basketball players.
Make them your backfield. They're used
to heaving a basketball to each other.
Let them do the same thing
with a football.
Say, there may be something
to what you say.
There's everything to it!
Use your brain.
Dope out a lot of screwy passing plays.
Let them toss the ball around and run wild.
It's your only chance!
Yeah. Honey, this is the greatest idea
you've had since you asked me to marry you.
Twenty-one, 49.
That's it!
Boy, did you see that play?
Nobody'll stop 'em!
You haven't seen anything yet.
This team will be the talk of the country.
- Yeah, and you'll do all the talking.
- And I'll do all the-
Say, it's new!
Where'd you get the idea, Mr. Winters?
Oh, it's, uh- it's from something
I picked up in Flushing.
Boy! Oh, babe!
Awfully crowded in here, isn't it?
It's cooler outside.
Want to go for a ride in my new bus?
If you don't go too far.
Hey, Sally.
This'll warm us up if it gets chilly.
Why, the idea of you two kids drinking!
Right here on the campus!
Why, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Mmm. Gin.
What do you expect
for nothin', champagne?
Listen, everybody!
Listen, please.
We're gonna settle something
once and for all.
Will you gather round here?
Here, Tommy.
Now, quiet.
This is very high class.
Coach, we got enough money
to send the team and the band too.
That's swell, Chip.
You know, I like music with my touchdowns.
Yahoo! Yippee!
Uh, excuse me, will you, please?
Yahoo! Whoopee!
- Get down. Get down. Let go.
- Whoopee!
Let go.
What's the matter with you?
Aw, is that what you call a tackle?
A fine coach you are!
You've been drinking, eh?
What are you doing, trying to ruin me?
Remember, you're my wife.
Aw, why did you have to remind me
and spoil my whole evening?
- Now, listen, Bessie. I have a certain-
- Mr. Winters.
Professor Barton
would like to see you.
- Tell him I'll be right there.
- All right.
Bye, Chippy!
Listen. Now, stay here.
Don't go away. I'll be back and get you.
You run along
and don't worry about me.
If your team can hold Yale
as well as I can hold my liquor, they-
Shh! Bessie.
- Hiya, Biffo!
- Hello, Mrs. Winters.
Well, you're just the man
I'm looking for.
You played a great game Saturday, Biff,
but I'm sorry, old boy.
- You still don't know how to take a man out.
- No?
No, you're not puttin' enough weight into it.
You're hittin' too high.
- Come here. I'll show you how.
- You, Mrs. Winters?
You heard me.
Come on. Get over here.
Biff, I'm gonna show you how to
take a man out and take him out good.
Get down there.
Now you relax and watch me.
Twenty-two, 41, 64! Hike!
- What's the matter?
- My leg! My leg.
- What's the matter?
- My leg. My leg.
Aw, come on.
You're not hurt. Get up!
Oh, I can't. I can't.
Oh, come on!
Be a man!
- It's nothing. Stand up.
- Okay. All right.
There. See?
It's all right. Stand on it.
That's it.
- Oh! Oh!
- Biff!
Slug! Hey, Slug!
- Biff! Aw, come on. Get up, Biff.
- What's the matter, Mrs. Winters?
It's Biff. He's hurt.
Something's happened to him. Slug!
- Hey, Slug! Oh!
- What's the matter?
- How's he doing, boys?
- What happened, Biff?
It's awful this had to happen to Biff.
Maybe it isn't as bad as we think.
- Any news about Biff yet?
- Not a thing.
I'm afraid Bentley won't play
any more football this year.
He has a fractured leg.
That's terrible!
Don't worry, honey.
Everything's going to be all right.
Aw, come on, honey.
After all, Biff isn't the whole team.
You're wrong, Laura. He is.
Without him, they're a bunch of scrubs.
Oh, so sorry.
My name's Herbert Terwilliger Van Dyck.
Oh? Too bad.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Well, I-I was planning to enroll here.
Could you direct me
to the Delta Delta Pi house?
- Oh, are you a Double Delt?
- Sure.
Well, hello!
Glad to know you!
Well, the house is right across the campus,
two blocks down.
Too bad you didn't get in sooner.
You missed the football rally.
Football? A capitalistic device
for the exploitation of the masses...
fostered by the meatpacking barons
to promote the sale of pigskin.
- But the time is coming-
- Well, I'll see you around sometime.
Ah. How's Biff?
Is he all right?
Sure, he's all right.
He's fine. He's wonderful.
- Only his leg ain't feeling so good.
- What's the matter with it?
- Not much. Just busted, that's all.
- Bust-
Fine thing. I take my wife to a dance,
and she goes around breaking people's legs.
Well, I didn't do it on purpose, did I?
I told you,
I was only showing Biff how to block.
How did I know that I-
Twenty-five men on the squad,
and you had to pick on my best player.
Why didn't you break your own leg-
or even your neck?
All right!
If that's how you feel about it!
You're darn right
that's how I feel about it.
The next time you meddle in my business,
I'm gonna send you back to where you be-
What are you doin'?
- Oh. Now, wait a minute.
- Let me alone. I'm going back home!
Oh, now, listen.
Don't be like that, babe.
You can't leave me alone.
You know I can't get along without you.
- You'll have to!
- But I can't. Honest, honey. Please don't.
Oh, why don't you listen to reason?
We're pals, aren't we?
I need you. Honest, I do.
Well, do you promise
not to talk to me like that again?
Sure. I didn't mean it.
You know how it is.
How would you feel if just
when you've built up a great team...
some stupid,
half-witted idiot came along-
That settles it.
- What's the matter?
- You can't call me a half-wit!
For years I've been trying to help you
to get to where you are-
- I didn't mean to-
- What do I get for it? You wish I'd break my leg!
- Oh, no, I don't.
- I know! You want to get rid of me!
- I didn't say anything-
- You wish that I were dead!
Aw, no, honey. I didn't say that.
I didn't say that at all.
- Go answer the doorbell.
- All right.
Hello, Chip.
Glad to see you. Come on in.
Aw, come on, Coach. Don't take it so hard.
Accidents will happen.
- Hello, Chip.
- Hello, Mrs. Winters.
Look out.
She might break your arm.
Well, what do you think
we oughta do, Coach?
- Maybe we'd better cancel the Yale game.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Listen, Chip. Can't we find
someone to take Biff's place?
There's a peach of a player up at Fort Smith
who was coming here...
but he wanted us to pay him.
Of course, we couldn't do that.
That would be unethical.
- Well, it's been done.
- What are you doing, trying to make more trouble for me?
- You keep out of this.
- I was only suggesting.
- Where are you going?
- To the drugstore. Walk me down, Chip?
- Certainly.
- Can I bring you anything?
Yeah. A ton of aspirin.
- Where you gonna get the headache?
- In my he-
There you go again.
Say, Chip, what's the name of this player
you were talking about?
Stanley Russell. Oh, but it's no use.
We can't offer him money.
You don't have to.
You just let me give him a sales talk.
There's no kid that's gonna turn down
a chance to play against Yale.
- Where's your car?
- It's laid up.
- Can you borrow one?
- I think I can. Laura has a car.
Then get it and come back here
as fast as you can!
Listen, do you want to
beat Yale, or don't you?
- I'll be right back.
- Remember, not a word to his nibs in there.
- I get it.
- Hurry!
- This is the place.
- I'll wait here.
All right.
Now listen, Chip.
You let me do all the talking. You understand?
- All right.
- Pardon me. Does Mr. Stanley Russell live here?
Is he in?
Well, do you expect him
back soon?
Well, is there anybody else home?
Thanks, chatterbox.
We better sit down here and wait.
Hey! Did you ever hear
a tune on a harmonica called "A Fox Chase"...
with the dogs and everything in it?
A fox hunt-
No, we haven't.
Here. Here, boy. Here.
Here, boy, Fido.
Here, Ranger.
Here, boy. Sing, Fido.
Hurry, Fido.
Come on, boy.
That's it, boy.
Here, boy.
Over now.
Come here.
We've been here
two hours and a half.
How much longer do you
suppose we have to wait for him?
Whoa. Hey, sonny!
Say, did you ever hear a fella
play a harmonica three different ways...
and end up playing it with his nose?
With his nose?
Oh, sonny, that was fine, but tell me-
haven't you any idea where Stanley is?
- For the love of Mike, where is he?
- He's at Yale.
- Yale?
- Yale?
Playin' football.
Footba-Why didn't you tell us
this three hours ago?
- You didn't ask me.
- We didn't ask-
Don't mind me.
I'm a heavy sleeper.
Y'all stop for melons?
Well, no, not exactly,
but it's an idea.
- Are they nice and ripe?
- They ain't nothin' else but.
- All right. Give us three.
- All right.
- Hello!
- Pick three!
All right.
Let 'em come.
What a heave.
Say, can he do that again?
Sho' 'nuff.
Just keep your peepers on it.
- Who is that?
- That's my brother Amos.
I'm Sairy Dodd, and I can sing.
You want to hear me?
Not right now.
Just about the size of a football.
- Call your brother. I want to talk to him.
- Amos! Come a-runnin'!
He can run powerful fast too.
He oughta.
He's got the biggest feet in Craw County.
The bigger the feet, the better the kick.
- Hey, are you thinkin' of-
- Brother, I'm not thinking. I'm praying.
Don't be scared, Amos.
They're friendly.
- Howdy, folks.
- Glad to meet you, Amos.
- Why?
- How would you like to go to college?
What fer?
I hain't done nothin'.
It's a chance to get an education,
and it won't cost you a cent.
- We'll get you a scholarship.
- All that for free?
- Absolutely.
- No foolin'?
Cross my heart.
Aw, shucks.
I got enough book learnin'.
- You hain't neither!
- Shut your mouth before I smack you down.
You could study agriculture, Amos.
What I want with that?
I'm a-gonna be a farmer.
You can meet
some nice girls at college.
- Aw, shucks.
- Oh, Amos is scared of girls.
I hain't not!
- I could introduce you to a lot of lovely girls.
- With shoes on?
Sure, and stockings too.
Huh? Oh, gee whiz.
Does this here college place
give folks singin' lessons?
Yes, we have a fine
department of music.
And they teach hog calling.
Amos, you're a-goin', and I'm a-goin' with.
I aim to learn to sing proper.
- Now, look-a here, Sairy.
- Now, you know how I can sing.
- Do y'all wanna hear me?
- Oh, yes, Sairy, but not now.
Come along now, Amos,
so's I can fetch my Sunday dress.
I allow as how you'd better
take your shoes along. Don't you think?
- Oh, yes, by all means.
- Come on!
- We'll be right back.
- Oh, please, hurry.
Hey, Slug!
Hey, Slug! Hey! Slug!
- Hey!
- Bessie!
- Slug!
- Come on, Amos. Come on.
Sairy, Laura, come on.
I want you to meet the coach.
- Come on.
- Bessie! Wait a minute.
- Where were you last night?
- Oh, nix on the drama.
Amos, come here.
This is it, Amos. Isn't this a great place?
Here, I want you
to meet my friend Amos.
Oh, yeah? What do you mean
by keeping my wife out all night?
What's the matter with you?
Have you gone crazy?
Give me that football.
Come here, Amos.
- Yeah. Come on, Amos.
- Don't be afraid.
There. Here.
- You see this?
- Uh-huh.
- It's a football.
- Yeah. I've heard tell of them there things.
- Go ahead. Throw it, Amos.
- Yeah. Here.
T'ain't got much heft to it.
- Where'll I heave it to?
- Oh-
- You see that light down there?
- Uh-huh.
Throw it at that.
Go ahead.
Throw it.
- What's the matter?
- Aw, shucks.
What's wrong, Amos?
Amos wants to know
if'n it's all right...
if'n he takes off his shoes.
Tell him he can take off
anything he wants.
- Go ahead, Amos.
- I kinda like to feel my toes get a hold of the earth.
That's perfectly all right.
Go ahead.
What's the matter now?
I'm a-scared I'll bust that light.
You do, and I'll eat that football.
Go ahead, Amos.
Show 'em.
Oh, boy! That was swell, Amos!
Shake, that was great!
Well, how will you have your football-
on whole wheat or rye?
I'll have it-
Has someone got a ball?
- Here. Try that other light.
- Go ahead, Amos.
Supposin' I bust
that one too?
- It's okay. This one's on the house.
- Come on.
Give him a little room, boys.
- Hey, brother, you're a whiz!
- Aw, 'tweren't nothin'.
That's a big light.
- I can sing. You wanna hear me?
- Yeah!
Oh, no.
Not now, honey.
We found him in a melon patch playing
quarterback for a bunch of cantaloupes.
Boy, if this is a dream, don't wake me.
He's better than Bentley.
- Certainly!
- You know-
Don't you go trying to teach him
how to play football.
- Better hurry up and enroll him.
- Enroll him? Holy smoke.
- What's the matter?
- I wonder if he's eligible.
- Oh, sure he's-
- Certainly he-
- What?
- Oh!
What a break.
We finally find the greatest football passer
in the country, and he can't get into college.
And this stupe has been here seven years
and can't get out.
What's the matter?
Read this. Brothers and comrades,
read these carefully.
A message of vital importance
to the collegiate youth of the nation.
- What's this?
- Read it.
Are you fellas socially aggressive?
- He's socially offensive!
- Oh, get outta here!
What are you doing with these?
Spreading the message
of intellectual freedom.
- This might get you into trouble.
- We martyrs fear nothing!
- I spent two months in a jail in New Jersey.
- What for?
I crashed a brick through
the window of a bank.
The capitalistic faculty
at Bradley expelled me.
But I shall carry on here.
Tomorrow, after I've enrolled,
my work begins in earnest.
- You haven't enrolled yet?
- No.
- Have you got your credentials?
- Oh, yes.
They're in perfect order.
You bet. Anybody could get in college
with credentials like these.
Boys, take good care of Herbie.
T.S.U. needs him.
Brothers, I can't tell you
how delighted I am...
to find myself among such splendid,
intelligent sympathizers in our cause.
The time has come-
Hello. Is this Judge Fleming?
- Speaking.
- This is Chip Carson.
- Would you settle a little argument we're having here?
- Well, what is it?
Could a fella get 60 days for tossing a brick
through the bank window?
Like the big plate glass one
on College Street?
That's just exactly
what I'd give him- 60 days.
Fine. Thanks, Judge. Thanks very much.
Hey, Red, Jimmy! Come here!
Come here, quick.
Listen, fellas, all we gotta do is-
Read these carefully, boys.
We are the rising generation
of mental giants...
who will loose the ties that bind us...
as sure as my name is
H. Terwilliger Van Dyck.
Wait a minute.
What did you say your name is?
H. Terwilliger Van Dyck.
- Can you prove it?
- Sure, he can. Show him your credentials.
Take a look at those.
H. Terwilliger Van Dyck?
H. Terwilliger Van Dyck?
Why, that name
sounds vaguely familiar.
- Ah! - Ah!
- Ah! - Ah!
Here's the brick!
- Where's the bank?
- In case you're arrested, your name is John Smith.
Right! And tonight,
John Smith makes history!
On to the bank!
Call the police!
What's the big idea?
I do this as a protest of the collegiate youth
against the tyranny-
Tell it to the judge!
I reiterate, I do this as a protest of the
collegiate youth of the United States against-
- Sairy!
- Amos!
Well, I wouldn't have knowed ya...
if I hadn't have known who you was.
Me nuther.
Where'd you get all them
store-boughten clothes, Sairy?
- Laura give 'em to me.
- She did?
- She's awful nice, Amos.
- Shh.
My name hain't Amos.
- 'Tis too.
- 'Tain't nuther. Not no more.
Then what is it?
Herbert- Herbert, um-
Um, what does it say there?
Chip wrote it down for me.
Herbert Van "Dick."
Dyck. Dyck. That's it.
Herbert Van Dyck.
Well, call my hogs!
Ain't that a name!
Where'd you get it?
Chip give it to me
for to play this here football with.
Then my name's gotta be
Van Dyck too, hain't it?
I reckon so.
Come on.
Van Dyck.
Gotta get me a high-tone
front handle for that.
- I got it!
- Huh?
- Murine!
- Murine?
Well, that's right fancy.
Where'd you get that?
Off'n a bottle.
Hiya, Van. What's up?
- Hello, Van. How ya doing?
- Hiya, Van Dyck!
- Hello, Van Dyck.
- Hello.
So that's what
kept him out last night.
The little devil.
She must be rooting for Yale.
Get a load of that.
- When she gets through with him, they'll have to plow him under.
- You're not kidding.
- What's the matter?
- He's cutting in. I'll have to dance with him.
- With both of us?
- No.
We'll dance around,
and you cut in on us. See?
Aw, shucks.
I thought you didn't want
to go to this dance.
- I changed my mind.
- Don't kid me.
You've fallen for that hillbilly
just 'cause he got his picture in the papers.
Oh, have I?
Guess I'd better
take this back to the jewelers.
- For me?
- It was.
Oh, Morty, darling.
- Hiya, big boy.
- Having a nice time?
Well, I was,
but I'm a-gettin' kinda tired.
- I reckon I'll go on home.
- Where's Sally?
Oh, I don't know.
Go get him.
- Oh, Mr. Van Dyck.
- Huh?
- You haven't danced with me yet.
- Well, gosh, I don't feel much like dancin' no more.
Where's Tommy? We want the Balboa!
Come on! The Balboa!
- All right!
- Balboa! We want the Balboa!
Okay! The Balboa!
Come on.
They're gonna do the Balboa.
Oh, I can't do no newfangled dancin'.
Oh, come on.
It's easy.
- Why, Amos, what's the matter?
- I'm a-goin' home.
- Why, you can't do that, Amos.
- Yes, I can.
Folks like me and Sairy
don't belong here nohow.
I'm a-waitin' for her now.
Soon as she gets here, we're trackin' back home.
Look, Amos, you wouldn't throw us
down like this, would you, old man?
Everybody's depending on you.
Why, we can't get along
without you, Amos.
Oh, I reckon some folks around here
can get along without me.
What do you mean?
I'd rather not say.
It's- It's kinda personal.
Why, it isn't Sally, is it?
Well, I hain't sayin' it 'tis,
and I hain't sayin' it 'tain't.
Amos, why, that little flirt
is nothing but an ordinary-
You shut your mouth, Chip!
You can't talk that-a-way
about the gal I love.
Now you be gettin' on outta here.
Amos, I didn't mean that-
I said, you git!
- Hi, Chip.
- Hi.
Come in!
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Winters.
- Hiya.
- Is the coach in?
- Why, yes.
Oh, hello, Chip.
Bad news, Coach.
Amos is going home.
I thought you s-
- What?
- Don't break up house yet!
- Why is he leaving?
- On account of Sally. She gave him the air.
- Can't you make her listen to reason?
- She won't budge.
- And she knows who Amos is and threatens to spill the beans.
- There goes Yale.
It's a jinx.
I give up.
We can't give up.
You city people don't realize what
this Yale game means to our little college.
It's more than just a football game.
It's our chance to show the country that
a college doesn't have to be big to be good.
This isn't only T.S.U. 's fight.
We're fighting
for all the small colleges...
that haven't got thousands of students
and millions of dollars...
but are just as good
as your Yales and Harvards and Princetons.
They're all watching us and pulling for us.
We can't let them down.
We gotta win!
I'm with you, son.
Nobody's quitting now, not after that speech.
It's a lucky thing for him
you're not selling pianos.
Come on, stupid, think of something.
- We've gotta keep Amos here.
- How? By breaking his leg?
Darn little flirt.
She even flirted with you at the dance.
Yeah, but I didn't flirt back.
- But you will. That's it! I've got it!
- What do you mean?
- You're gonna take Sally out
and make love to her. - I'm-
- Who, me? What for?
- Leave that to me. You just make love to her.
But I can't do that.
- Besides, I'm out of practice.
- You're telling me.
Well, what's your idea, Mrs. Winters?
Stick around and you'll learn something
they don't teach in college.
Gee, I never won a football game
this way before.
Aw, Bessie, honest,
I don't wanna do this.
- You'll do it and like it.
- All right.
- What's Sally's address?
- She lives on Bird Street.
I think the number is 1216.
It's 1218.
We'll give him a little time.
Not too much.
Sweetheart! Darling!
- My, but you work fast.
- Well, I'm in a hurry.
I-I mean, I'm kind of a busy man.
You know, I've never been
out with a coach before.
Neither have I.
I-I mean, uh-
He's really enjoying it, the rat.
My wife's all right...
but she just doesn't understand me.
I wondered how
a good-looking man like you...
could be stuck
with a crow like her.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
Bessie- I-I mean, Sally,
you're wonderful.
You do something to me.
This thing has gone far enough.
What is it?
- So I've got you at last!
- Wait a minute, honey. I can explain everything.
Oh, yeah?
Well, explain this!
You'll hear from my lawyer. I'm going to sue him
for divorce and name you as correspondent.
Oh, no, no, you can't. I've never been
out with him before. Honest.
We haven't done anything wrong.
- You're my witnesses!
- Oh, please! Please!
I swear your husband
doesn't mean a thing to me.
I'm in love with somebody else.
- Who? The 7 th Regiment?
- Uh-uh.
Herbert Van Dyck, for instance?
Yes! Yes! Everybody knows
we're practically engaged.
Is she lying about this?
She's been going out with him.
Sairy! Sairy!
That's him now!
Sounds like he's calling hogs.
Must be paging you.
Go on. But if I find out you're not engaged to him,
I'll file my divorce papers in the morning.
Well, that's that.
Come on. Let's go.
Wait a minute, Mrs. Winters.
Haven't you forgotten something?
You didn't have to
sock me so hard, did you?
Imagine what I'll do if
I ever really catch you. Come on.
- What do you mean,
we can't sleep six in an upper berth?
Have you got your baggage, dear?
Yeah, Ma. Here it is.
Come on, gang!
Let's get going!
Promise, darling, when you're not with me
that you won't flirt with any other girls.
Say, where do we eat
on this here train?
Come on.
Let's go this way.
Isn't it exciting?
The whole town's here to see us off.
I only hope they're all here
when we come back.
Statement for the press,
Mr. Winters?
Why, uh, yes.
Uh, you can quote me as saying:
As Coach Winters boarded
the train for New Haven, he said...
my players are in fine
physical and mental condition...
and will fight to the last man
for Texas.
And on the eve of battle...
I feel very confident of victory.
But if we should lose, I-
We will have no alibi.
Come on.
All aboard! All aboard!
Hey, General,
have we got time just for one song?
- I guess so.
- Swell! Come on!
- Oh, no, no.
- Not right now!
No, we've written a special song...
but we're saving it for the big game.
- Aw, come on!
- Mr. Chip, I got a song. Can I sing it?
- Would it make you happy, honey?
- It sure would.
Then you sing it!
Come on!
Hey, let's go!
Okay, fellas, hit it.
I reckon none of you
Northern folks ever heard...
a Texas cowhand
makin' love to his gal.
Well, you're gonna hear it now.
All right, Sam.
You're on.
A good good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is Sam Hays, bringing you
a play-by-play account of the gridiron classic...
between Yale and Texas State.
I'm looking down on a colorful
and certainly a capacity crowd...
gathered here to see
the little team from Prairie...
fight it out with the Yale Bulldogs.
While the weatherman
says it's fair and warmer...
it feels to me like it's freezing
and getting ready to snow.
But maybe I'm just thin-blooded.
The Yale team has come onto the field-
or should I say, the four Yale teams.
They're running through their signals.
Those boys look a little too tough
for these Texas lads to handle.
Here come the Texas boys back onto the field again.
Texas are in crimson jerseys with white sleeve
bands, wearing white bordered head guards.
They don't look very big, but they make up
for their lack of weight with terrific speed.
- Sure is mighty chilly up here all of the sudden.
- I'll say it is.
'Tain't like down home.
It's snowing!
Yeah, and it isn't gonna help us any.
My, it's cold.
I'm freezing.
Well, snow or no, here we go.
Let the best team win.
Well, it's started to snow,
but nobody around here seems to care.
Yale has won the toss
and is going to kick off.
They're lining up
in their positions now.
Van Dyck, the Texas pass wizard,
isn't in the starting lineup.
- Is he in there, Jerry, or isn't he?
- No.
No, friends, he isn't. But you can bet Coach
Winters will send him in at the first opportunity.
Did we gain anything?
About a yard.
That Yale line's pretty heavy.
- Snow's getting heavy too.
- Yeah.
I should have worn a heavy coat.
We're going to kick!
Yale has the ball. First down and 10 to go.
We'll see what they're going to do.
Five minutes left
in this nip-and-tuck quarter...
with those fighting Texans
more than holding their own.
Yale has the ball.
Third down and four to go.
And, ladies and gentlemen,
it's really snowing a snowstorm.
Looks like Yale's going to kick. They're in punt formation
- long punt formation. Cooper back.
Block that kick! Block that kick!
Block that kick!
Block that kick!
Texas ball!
Here you go, Herbie.
Go in for Prescott and heave that apple.
I'm a-just a-rarin' to heave, Coach.
Oh. Remember,
don't talk on the first play.
- It's Herbie!
- Oh, boy! Now we goin' places!
Van Dyck for Prescott.
Watch closely, young man, and you'll see how
we play football in the great open spaces.
You can watch too.
Pretty snappy!
That goes for me too.
Can't you stop them fellas
from bustin' through on me?
We'll stop 'em this time,
and it'll be a number 38 for a touchdown.
Now, come on, gang!
Give it to 'em!
That wasn't bad either,
was it, sonny?
That's the way they play football
down in Texas. And very good too.
Van Dyck faded back, tossed a cannon pass to
Mather, and boy, how this Van Dyck can throw 'em.
Mather snagged it,
tossed a lateral to Connors...
who ran across the goal line
standing up for a touchdown.
They're lining up for the extra point.
- He missed it.
- Aw, who cares? We've just started scoring.
It's a great game, isn't it?
There goes the gun, ending the first half...
of this terrifically exciting
gridiron battle.
The score:
Texas, 6, Yale, nothing...
providing one of the biggest
upsets of this season.
The Texans, who weren't given a chance,
have played magnificently.
In the second quarter, the weather
slowed down their passing attack considerably.
Did I mention that our snowstorm
has turned into a blizzard?
But defensively,
their work was smart and stubborn.
If Yale doesn't play heads-up football
this last half, those six points'll beat 'em.
What's the matter
with you boys anyway?
That whole Texas outfit don't weigh
four pounds more than a straw hat...
and they're making monkeys out of ya!
You lose this game, and you'll be
the laughingstock of the country.
And you, Sparks-
I thought you were making up
all that stuff about their passing.
- Can I help it if they believe
everything they read? - Oh, you-
Now, folks, four of our boys will sing
a song written especially for this occasion.
Would you like to hear it?
We can't sing that song here.
It don't fit. We didn't expect this.
Listen to me, fellas.
You can't embarrass me in front of all these people.
Now, sing it and sing it good.
- But, Tom-
- Go on!
It's great, boys, it's great!
You got those Yale guys dizzy!
Keep it up!
Don't let it down!
Herbie, you were terrific.
Just slightly, boss.
Come on, fellas. Up and at 'em. And remember,
a game isn't won until the final gun is fired.
Come on now!
They're lining up for the second half kickoff
on a field completely snowed under.
Yale will kick off to Texas. There's the whistle.
What's the matter with you guys?
They're stopping us cold.
- We can't run in this stuff. Let's try another pass.
- It's 47 this time.
- The ball's gettin'-
- I know. It's getting slippery.
Come on.
Up and at 'em.
He can't hold that ball.
It's too slippery.
That's the third time he's fumbled.
Forrest, come here.
Go in for Van Dyck.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Forrest for Van Dyck!
- Say, can you get this down to the Texas coach?
- But, lady, I-
It's very important.
I'm his wife.
Thanks, fella.
Van Dyck is out of the game, which means
that Texas has given up the offensive...
and is going to try to protect
that six-point lead.
Yale's ball.
Well, friends, this is
certainly one for the book.
It's fourth quarter, and the Yale team hasn't
been able to reach the Texas goal line.
The score is still: Texas 6, Yale nothing.
And Yale has the ball.
Piling on- 15 yards.
Uh-oh, that hurts.
Texas is penalized 15 yards for piling on.
It puts Yale right down there
within scoring distance.
And if they're ever going
to score, now's the time.
Hey, you! Come here!
What's the big idea, you robber?
One more crack like that,
and I'll penalize you another 15 yards.
Where do you think
you are anyway, in Texas?
Ah, you silly-
Can I trouble you again to take this
down to him? It's very important.
The big blue team is ripping its way toward
the Texas goal line, and Texas can't stop 'em.
They've put up a great fight, those kids
from cow country, as gallant as I've ever seen.
But they're in a tough spot now.
And here comes the big moment.
The score is tied, 6-6.
Yale is lining up
in front of those goal posts...
and Evans is going to try to put that
slippery pigskin between those uprights...
for that one little point
that Yale needs to win.
The ball is snapped!
He made it,
and Yale leads Texas 7-6.
- Going to be a cold winter in Texas.
- We still got a chance.
What we really need is snowshoes.
My nerves are all in tatters.
Only enough time left
for a couple plays.
Yale is praying for the final gun,
but it's fourth down and they've got to kick.
They're back to punt formation.
Block that kick! Block that kick!
Texas recovered that blocked kick!
This ball game isn't over yet!
We still got a chance!
Go in there and tell 'em to run
a play over their left guard! Go ahead!
We've still got a chance!
Flagrant, unsportsmanlike conduct
from the Texas bench.
Fifteen yards.
- It's a penalty.
- Against us?
Five yards!
- Ten!
- Fifteen yards!
- What for?
- How do I know?
Maybe it's my poor spelling.
Isn't that awful?
The Texas team is penalized 15 yards
for unsportsmanlike conduct...
from the Texas bench.
And that looks like it's about
the end of your old ball game.
We haven't got a chance!
We haven't got a chance!
- You haven't got a brain either.
- I haven't got a brai-
- What are you doing here?
- Suffering while you're throwing the game away.
Will you keep out of this!
What's the matter? Every time-
Now we've got a chance!
Out of the way, boys.
Come here!
- Yes, ma'am?
- Oh, Herbie, listen, and listen carefully.
I want you to go out there and-
- Here. You got it? Get going! Hurry!
- Yes'm.
They've sent Van Dyck back in. I think
he's going to try a desperate, last-minute pass.
Wait a minute.
What's this?
Van Dyck sitting down in the mud.
Do my eyes deceive me?
No, sir. He's taking off
his shoes and stockings.
It's a sight you may never see again.
The stories about him must be true-
he likes to feel his toes grip the earth.
He's getting ready to put
everything he has into one long pass.
The timekeeper has his gun ready to
end the game. Van Dyck's getting up now.
- Pass! Pass!
- I got him!
Van Dyck scores!
It's a touchdown! Touchdown!
Slug! Slug!
Wake up, Slug!
Oh, come on! Snap out of it!
Let's get in there, Coach.
Aw, cut it out! It's all over!
Slug, we won!
Oh, I-What?
- Yeah! We won! We beat 'em, Slug!
- We won?
- Whoo-hoo-
- Yeah! Whoo!
And then we'll score a touchdown