Ping Pong Playa (2007) Movie Script
Welcome back to
Eye on East Hills
with Jon Howard.
Look, people think
that sports is fair,
you know,
just 'cause it got rules
and stuff.
You know,
but is it fair that,
you know,
Chinese people are short
or, you know, we have fewer
fast-twitch muscles in our legs?
How do you explain
Yao Ming then?
Yao Ming is a statistical
anomaly, all right?
You take a country
of 1.4 billion people,
you're sure to have a few
hundred tall, right?
And out of that few hundred,
you know,
you're bound to have at least
one or two that can play ball.
Statistical anomaly.
Never seen Charlie Chan.
Never forget Vincent Chin.
I'm 'bout to drop
some knowledge on you.
Let the lesson begin.
Now, I'ma teach
this assignment in slang,
brother, change
the whole world to see shit
like The Eye
by the Pang brothers.
Asian American
who ain't afraid to say
comparing me
to David Carradine
will get you set ablaze
with kerosene.
I don't call
television racist,
but I do watch The Simpsons
and SpongeBob
just to see
some yellow faces.
I take the yellow haters
down like elevators.
Left hand on your girl.
Right foot
on the accelerator.
You ain't laughing at that.
I'm that new type of Asian.
I'll let you
do the math on that one.
I'ma teach you who's me
'cause I'm the Bruce Lee
of loose-leaf,
the Donnie N. Of rhyming,
and the Jackie Chan
of rapping, man.
Orient Express coming through!
Forget what
you think you know.
I'll teach
your ashes a lesson.
Listen and learn
and don't ask me no questions.
Wake up, kids, and keep
your eyes in my direction.
Welcome
to my Chinese school.
Class is in session.
You're awesome.
You should be in the NBA.
My name's Felix.
Good for you.
Hey, hook me up
with some of that, man.
Shot was off.
The big guy made a bunch
of lucky shots anyway.
W- w-wait, hold up, dog.
Hey, you want
to run that back?
Ball.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Come on,
what you gonna do?
Come on.
Come on.
You ain't got it.
You ain't got nothing.
Ah, get some!
Ah, stuffed like a turkey!
Booyah!
I don't think so.
Go play piano!
Access denied!
Ah, access denied!
Come on,
you want some of this?
Yeah, get him!
Where you going?
Where you going?
Where you going?
That's where you're going.
Who's lucky now, huh?
What you looking at?
Aw, yeah.
Yeah, you better step off.
Hey, this is my neighborhood.
Who's the master?
You are.
And what's my name?
Chris?
Call me C-Dub.
And what time is it?
3:35.
Dog, dog, when I ask you
what time it is,
you're supposed to say
"game time," all right?
Wait, wait,
what time is it?
Game time.
No, no, no, on the reals, man.
What time is it?
3:35.
Mother...
All right, man,
I'm sorry I'm late, man.
There was this big-ass accident
on the 405, man.
This mofo was speeding,
picking his nose, man.
His ass ran, pow, right into
the back of a chicken truck.
Man, I saw blood.
There was glass, blood,
feathers, everywhere, man.
I'm telling you, J.P.,
you should've seen
this wang ba dan, man.
He might as well have been down
on his hands and knees.
He was begging me to stay.
I swear on the grace
of 18 generations
of my ancestors, man.
I ain't gonna be
late again.
All right, you can't get
a better guarantee than that
from a Chinese brother.
You know what
you had to do, right?
Don't playa-hate.
Negotiate.
For sure, so check it.
This fool starts talking fast
about bonuses, vacation days.
Man, he tried
to straight-up bribe me.
I'll give you my autographed
Michael Jordan jersey, man.
You know how much
that's worth?
Really?
All right, maybe I ain't
going to give you that,
but, hey, I'll give you
my Larry Johnson jersey.
Who?
You know, UNLV, Charlotte
Hornets, Grandma-ma.
Come on, man.
I'll wash your car, man.
Right, r-r-r-right.
So you had to show him
who was the real
lao fan, huh?
Oh, man, you know it, baby.
Set the record straight.
We ain't building railroads
for free no more, you hear?
Hey, man, how you
going to reach out
to your Asian customers, man?
Hey, they feel me,
feel me, man?
There's like 2 million of us
in L.A., man.
How you going
to communicate with them?
Wilson?
I was thinking, man.
Can't be wasting all my time
working for the man.
Right.
You know that comic book
I was working on,
the one with the gun-toting,
crime-fighting pandas?
That's where I need
to devote more of my time.
Yeah, and don't forget
about our T-shirt company.
That's what I'm saying, man.
And then
there's the casino.
Aw, can't forget
the crown jewel.
Cha-Ching Dynasty.
Booyah.
Hey.
Make money, money,
make money, money, make.
You know what
the Donald says?
Ah, wait,
you can't fire me, dog.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, 'cause I quit.
Hm.
Oh, you're too polite.
I'm just a lousy player.
Not everybody can play
like that guy.
Hey, Pa, I fixed your modem.
You should really think
about going wireless, though.
It's a lot faster.
Hey, Michael,
you remember Mr. Lin?
Oh, of course.
Tournament's coming up.
You training hard?
Not that you need to.
You could probably win
blindfolded.
I'm just very lucky.
I definitely
should practice more.
Oh, I don't see how
you could find the time.
I got a nephew
in residency at General.
They're killing him
over there.
Well, my hospital's
definitely going to kill me
if I don't get back
right now,
so... good to see you.
- See you later.
- Pa.
Bye.
William?
He's too lazy...
and fat.
Ah, tell Mike, man.
He ain't doing nothing.
Doing nothing?
Yeah, but he don't have to work
on Saturday morning.
All right, all right,
all right!
Ow.
What up, playa?
Oh, man,
what time is it?
Time for you
to get your ass up, homey.
Man, aren't you supposed
to be in school?
Yeah, it's recess.
Hey, you need
to get down here.
No can, man, I told the dads
I was going to work.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'll tell him later, man.
No biggie.
All right,
but don't complain
when everybody tells you
they seen the new ride.
Hold up.
You got a new ride?
I'll see you in a minute.
Sweet.
Thud!
Ow.
Oh,.
Man, I was going
to tell you later, man.
I mean, you and Mom
have been bugging me
to lose that lame-ass job
anyway, right?
Hey, so check it out, man.
I got an email
from my friend Ian
about how his friend opened up
an online clothing store, man.
He works from home, man.
He makes like a few thousand
dollars, man, every month, man.
I said, "Hey, let me key in
on some of that. "
And then,
you know Henry, right?
Hey, he self-published
this comic book last month.
I'm going to talk to him
about that too.
I mean, he got, like, his own
website and everything, man.
Yo, you feeling me
on this?
Mr. Waaang?
It's Wang, dog.
I'm sorry, "Wong. "
Wang, not Wong.
Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Is she all right?
Good news.
Yourwrists
are just sprained.
You'll need
to take it easy for a while.
You can start physical therapy
in a couple weeks.
Just goes to show you
you can never be
too careful driving.
Wait, wait, hold up, dog.
What's that supposed to mean?
Excuse me?
You just assume that just
because my moms is Chinese
that she's a bad driver?
Like she couldn't break her hand
gardening or baking pies,
some Martha Stewart.
Hey, that's straight-up
racialism, dog.
You better have
malpractice insurance.
I just read her chart.
It said
"car accident" on it.
Yeah, so?
This is for the pain.
The nurse
will sign you out.
Ow.
I'm okay.
They gave you
ibuprofen, huh?
We should make sure
you get the good stuff, okay?
We'll get you Vicodin, Ma.
Oh, wait a minute now.
People always think that,
you know, Chinese people,
all they're good at are math,
martial arts,
and mu shu pork, you know?
But basketball, hey, that was
really my thing back in the day,
you know what I'm saying?
I used to play
on the JV squad.
Booyah.
They called me
The Orient Express.
They call me The Orient Express
for more than one reason.
You know what I'm saying?
Feel me, man?
Feel that?
Actually, I don't.
Uh...
A, B, C.
A, G, C.
A, B, C.
Superstar.
Nerds.
Yeah, homeboy
was on the news last week.
Supposed to be
some kind of genius.
So when we going
to play some ball, man?
Oh, no, man.
I got that thing later.
Oh, that's right.
Ping-Pong.
When you gonna get
a bowl cut?
I'm just helping out
my moms, man.
Kick her while she's down,
why don't you?
You're in Ping-Pong too?
No, dog,
I ain't in Ping-Pong.
I'm teaching Ping-Pong.
Awesome!
I'm in that class!
This it?
Yep.
All right,
all right.
What's going on,
everybody?
Come on over.
Is it true that Coach Wang
broke ten bones?
I heard they had to
cut off her arm.
What are you smoking?
All y'all need to know is,
I'm going to be teaching
for a little while.
Who are you?
I'm Chris,
but call me C-Dub.
Are you the guy that wins
the Ping-Pong tournament
every single year?
No.
But isn't Coach Wang
your mom?
That's her other son.
Yeah, better
get that straight.
- What's your name?
- William.
Free Willy,
listen up.
Don't ask stupid questions,
and you won't get
stupid answers.
All right, the rest of y'all,
come up here real quick.
Put a check
next to your name.
Hey, what's your name again?
Felix.
F- Bomb, hey.
What's the deal
with the white boys?
Coach Wang
lets them practice here.
They're, like, pros
or something.
All right, whatever.
So what y'all
normally do?
We usually warm up first.
Coach Wang always says...
Ah, t-t-t-t.
Don't just stand there
and tell me about it.
Step to it.
We're done.
20 forehands
and 20 backhands each.
Well, good for you.
Now do another 20.
Make that 30.
Aw, yeah.
What's up, playa?
Oh, I see you got
your eye on that.
So what's the holdup?
Aw, man,
you can't just run up
and start
humping her leg like a dog.
You got to be
like a tiger, man.
You got to stalk the prey.
You got to wait for it
and then...
bam,
pounce on that.
Yeah, I feel you
on that, man.
I feel you.
Hey, what you up to, man?
Joe put that issue of Hellboy
on hold for me.
Aw, man, I got to work.
On Saturday?
Work sucks, man.
Oh, I forgot.
You wouldn't know.
Ah, it's like that, huh?
I help you out
with your Chinese homework,
and this is how
you repay me?
Don't worry.
When I'm making my millions
in the exploding China market,
I'll be sure to cut you in
on a little RNB.
Yeah, you better.
Oh, hey, keys.
How long?
Brother's car
is still in the shop.
Later.
Take care of my baby.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims,
m- my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims,
m- my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
So glad you came by.
Well, I was
in the neighborhood.
I wanted to step in
and check on things.
Just give him
a few more days.
He's starting to practice
a little already.
Well, everyone at the ATTF
will be happy to hear that.
It's always a treat watching
Michael defend his title.
About the sponsorship...
We can talk about it
once Michael's recovered.
And I hope Mei
is feeling better too.
Just goes to show you,
you can never be too careful
when driving.
Excuse me.
How much are these?
'Cause I'm kind of
in a hurry.
Well, I can see you're busy.
I'll call you later.
We'll see you soon.
Hey, I ain't the rude one.
Cheryl Davis
is the regional director
of the table tennis federation.
So? It don't give her the right
to perpetuate
racial stereotypes.
What do you want?
Ma, I don't know
if I can teach that class.
That's not
what I'm talking about.
It's boring, man.
I ain't trying to coach
no Bad News Bears.
Come on, man.
It's not my thing.
Make Michael
teach the class then.
Hey, I play sports,
not games.
The Chinese, we're the masters
of Ping-Pong.
You always say
Chinese this and Chinese that,
but all you want to do
is play basketball.
Do you see any Chinese people
playing in the NBA?
As a matter of fact...
China!
Man, are you still trying to
play in that stupid tournament?
Everything's always stupid
to you, isn't it, Chris?
That's 'cause I know you, man.
You just want to go
to that dumb-ass parade.
I can see your future,
and you are not going on a date
with Miss Chinatown.
It's not about
Miss Chinatown.
You just love
the Miss Chinatown, though.
Well, at least
I've got standards.
Is that what you're calling
the Ten Commandments these days?
There are only eight, Chris.
You find an Ivy League graduate
who's over 5'6",
can sing, run a six-minute mile,
and look good in a bikini,
and is interested in you,
there's still
something wrong with her.
You think that's why I play
in the tournament every year?
Does Yao Ming
like Chinese food?
Oh, my God,
you're so stupid.
Listen, genius,
this is how it works, okay?
I play in the tournament.
Then I win the tournament.
Now, all the Chinese parents
out there,
they get really excited,
and they put their kids
in our classes,
which Mom teaches.
Then they buy
the gear in our store.
And ultimately, that gives us
money to pay for the Wheaties
you stick up your ass
every morning.
It is Marketing 101.
Wow, did you come up
with that yourself?
Shut up.
Chris, you need to get a job.
And I'm not talking about
hawking cell phones
at the mall, okay?
I'm talking about a real job,
so you can make
some real money
so you can move your ass
out of the house
and maybe just stop living
over the garage
like some sort
of yellow Fonzie.
There's some admin work
over at the hospital.
All the time I've known you...
No, I ain't going to work
in no hospital, please.
Well, dude,
figure it out, okay,
'cause I'm tired of hearing it
from Ma and Pa all the time.
Well, now you know
how I feel.
No, I don't, 'cause this
is not my fault, Chris.
Hey, this whole effed-up
situation is your fault.
Oh, please, elaborate.
You're just
a terrible driver, dog.
Ow.
That was going in, man.
You ever see you drive, huh?
- At least I got a car.
- Ma!
Yeah, call for Mama.
"Stop. "
Ow.
Yeah, homey.
You don't think if I was 7'6"
like Yao Ming,
that I wouldn't be dunking on
fools all over the place, man?
I mean, even if I was just 6'6",
you know?
I mean, and not to say that
if I was black or white that,
you know, I'd be the next,
you know, Kobe Bryant
or Manu Ginobili,
you know, but...
all I'm saying is that I'd be
at least a Moochie Norris,
you know, or at least
a Mark Madsen,
at the very least,
you know?
Chinese people
are just not meant
to be tall, man,
you know?
We're good at badminton,
fencing, stuff like...
I don't know.
You know, like gymnastics
and, man, Ping-Pong.
Ah!
Man, we should be running
some ball right now, feel me?
I feel you.
Take it from me, man.
Unless you want to become
the Chinese Napoleon Dynamite,
get out of Ping-Pong.
Got it?
Got it.
I'm just here
'cause my moms is hurt.
Otherwise, I'd be taking it
to the hole, man,
crossing fools over.
Did I ever tell you about that
championship game at district?
Man, it was awesome.
There was this
half-court shot, man.
It was like football field
delivery, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Chubby, let me show you
the backhand serve.
Ah, hey, I got this.
I got this.
Sure thing, coach.
Free Willy, man,
you working too hard, man.
You don't need to swing it
like a baseball bat, man.
Just chop it, all right?
Thanks.
That's awesome.
Teach me too.
Class is over, F-Bomb.
What did I tell you anyway?
You better start working
on your jump shot.
Please?
I'll give you $10.
Whoo!
Game over, man, game over.
Again. Again.
Aw, come on, man.
I got to get going.
Please?
All right, you
talked me into it.
Yes.
You have a reputation for being
sort of hard on the children.
Why is that?
Look, I'm just trying
to keep it real, all right?
I'm trying to teach them
life lessons, you know,
so they don't have to go
through all the pain
and humiliation and suffering
that I had to go through,
you know what I'm saying?
What do you mean
by "suffering"?
You know, man, you think
my parents supported my dream
of becoming the first
Chinese player in the NBA?
Man, hell, no, man,
it was always about, you know,
"Go study, hit the books,"
man, "Go play violin. "
And you feel that held you back?
Hell, yeah, man.
I mean, dude, look at
my one Chinese brother, man.
His parents made him play the
accordion for ten years, man.
Look at what happened to him.
What happened?
Homey's in tech support
now, man.
It hurts me, dog.
It hurts me.
I'm sorry.
Don't touch me.
Aw, yeah.
Hey.
What you doing?
Man, I'm just trying
to holler at some honeys.
Feel me?
You mean that girl?
Hey, don't point like that.
That's not a honey.
That's my sister.
For real?
Damn, man, all this time,
why didn't you tell me
your sister was a hottie?
Ew.
Hey, she isn't
one of those girls
that only dates white boys,
is she?
You want to help
a brother out?
Okay.
Just tell your sister
about Ping-Pong class
and how cool your teacher is
and stuff, all right?
All right.
But don't be obvious or nothing.
Just tell her, like, you know,
how your day went and all that
and your teacher
just happens to be
this really cool guy; got it?
Oh, good-looking too.
Don't forget that.
And good at basketball.
Got it.
All right. My ninja.
My ninja.
I want it.
You deserve it.
A- Train, hand over that PSP
and go with B-Diddy over here.
Hey, what did I tell you about
eating dried squid in class?
Man, you got
to take that outside.
That's him.
He's awesome.
What you doing, dog?
That's Henry.
He's from Manila.
Yeah, so?
He said he's better than
everyone at Chinese school.
That's why he doesn't
take Ping-Pong here.
I said you could beat him.
Come on, man.
I got a class to teach, man.
Plus, you know I haven't really
played in a little while.
Please?
I'll give you some money.
Ooh.
What if I lose?
You can still have it.
All right, hold up a second.
Free Willy,
Adam.
What you doing, dog?
Don't you know that "boba"
is Chinese for "boob"?
You know why?
You drink enough of it,
that's what you're
going to get, man boobs.
Is that what you want?
Is it?
All right, you're going
to be my scorekeeper.
Watch and learn,
all right?
All right.
Game over, sucker.
Kablamo!
We showed him.
All the way back
to Chan Marino.
You got any more friends?
You got to rock
to the rhythm with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more
than the minimum.
Rock to the rhythm
with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more,
more, more.
Yo, wake up,
wake up.
It's a new day now.
Side step, right, left,
move when I break down.
How I get down?
Make 'em all sit down.
Either that or have them
hurrying to skip town.
Yeah, you're just like
good tobacco,
'cause I just put you
in my pipe and smoked you.
There you go.
Yeah, hey,
time to go to bed, old man.
Thanks for your business.
A pleasure to serve you.
Who's next?
That's it.
That's it?
Come on, man.
That's like barely 40 bucks.
Man, where are
all your rich friends?
You got something to say,
come say it to my face.
You're a real boon
to the sport of table tennis.
You're using your mom's class
to hustle suckers.
What did you say
about my mama?
All he's saying is,
maybe these students
deserve someone
a little more qualified.
Oh, you know,
all right, let's go.
Come on, what you want
to play for?
Please; whatever happened
to playing for sport?
All right,
you know what?
I got a few minutes
to kill.
Booyah.
Take my coat.
Oh, that's a bad China word.
Okay, first to 11 wins.
Skunk at 7.
- Come on, C-Dub.
- Do it. Booyah!
Two more points.
I think I smell skunk.
Smells pretty good to me.
Sorry, chum.
I got some more important
business to attend to.
Oh, he's walking away.
Gee, I'm shocked.
F- Bomb, finish up
with this fool.
Can we switch scores?
No.
Hi, how you doing?
Hi.
Yeah, I seen you around.
You play Ping-Pong?
Are you the instructor,
the guy that's been stealing
my brother's allowance?
Oh, wait, wait, hold on.
No, no, no.
You got the wrong dude.
That's the guy you want.
That kid?
He's like a Ping-Pong prodigy
or something.
- I'm serious.
- Really?
Yeah, he was on the news
the other day, man.
News lady said he's, like,
a genius or something.
Okay, thanks.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
My favorite kinds
was made by Meneral Gills.
Big spoon, big bowl,
I got minimal spills.
I ain't finished
about yet.
In a minute,
I will.
While I'm
getting my cartoon,
it comes
from cinema thrills.
I be watching Master Killer
chomping 'Zilla Vanilla.
Maybe grape, that's the one
that had the purple gorilla.
I crunch,
Chumpster Hunch Munch,
watch the Dukes
doing stunt jumps.
Christopher...
Christopher?
You got to be kidding.
Why not?
He has enough
free time now.
Ma, no way.
No way.
All he does is play video games
and read comic books all day.
No way.
Ma, this wasn't my fault.
Booyah!
Man, I'm telling you, man,
if I was just
one inch taller, man,
I'd be dunking
all the time, man.
Tomahawk, windmill, 360-degree
peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Uh!
Yeah, so we going to run
another game orwhat?
We can take these jabronis.
Can't.
I gotta go.
Where?
Birthday party.
I don't even want to go.
Well, then, don't go.
My sister's making me.
Man, and another thing, man.
Why you have to go all off
and tell your sister
about what we were doing, man?
I thought we was tight.
You said to tell her
about Ping-Pong class.
That means telling her
that you play Ping-Pong,
not that you
play Ping-Pong for money.
Just tell her that you made
all that up, all right?
I'm not as good
at lying as you are.
Hold up; Why you got to be
hurtful, man?
I'm not asking you
to lie, man.
I'm just asking you
to finesse the truth.
You got it?
Okay.
So where
this party at, man?
Geometrically speaking,
the probability of striking
all ten pins is highest
when the ball enters formation
at a 45-degree angle.
That didn't work.
Perhaps I should try
launching with more force.
Thud!
It's a shame,
isn't it?
What's that,
the nerds?
Matter of speaking, yes.
The birthday boy guy,
he's the biggest nerd
of them all.
Yes, my son,
the biggest nerd.
Oh, I didn't mean it
like that.
No, no, no,
it's quite all right.
It's a thing
with my son.
What good is it being able to
play Rachmaninoff at age six
if you don't have
an audience to play for, huh?
Hey, man, I don't mean
no disrespect,
but he ain't going to make no
friends warming a piano bench.
You know what I'm saying?
You have a point.
Oh, D.B. Reddy.
C- Dub.
I'm here
with my boy, Felix.
Oh.
Speak of the devil.
What's up?
Yo, yo, yo.
Yeah, F-Bomb, eh,
this is Prabakar's dad.
Hello, Felix.
Welcome.
Please,
make yourself comfortable.
There's some
pepperoni pizza.
Cool, thanks.
Amazing.
This boy,
he is your...
That's my basketball homey.
Oh, you're
his basketball teacher.
Uh, I actually
teach him Ping-Pong
at the Chinese school.
Ah, is that
your primary occupation?
No, no, no.
I'm actually getting ready
to start up a business
with a friend of mine,
you know?
We're going to press
some comic books,
start our own clothing line.
You know,
entrepreneurial-type stuff.
Fantastic.
Absolutely fantastic.
Yeah.
I was just like you
starting out,
less than $100 in my pocket
when I came from India.
And now I own
my own textile company.
That's tight, man.
That's like
kitchen tiles and stuff?
Oh, no, no, no.
Textiles as in fabric
for clothing and shoes.
Oh, oh, my bad.
No, it's quite all right,
my friend.
Well, I wish you luck
in your endeavors.
I think you have
what it takes.
Yo, for real?
You think
I could roll like you?
Listen, most people
underestimate
the social skills needed
to succeed in business.
Prabakar doesn't need
more math classes.
He needs to learn
to socialize,
to be a kid.
Yeah, so I ask you,
would you take on my son
as one of your disciples?
Disciple?
Yeah!
I like the sound of that.
Prepare for practice games,
y'all.
What do I do,
Coach Chris?
Call me C-Dub.
- L...
- Oh, you know what?
I got a better idea.
Call me sifu.
Yes, sifu.
I've done some studying
on the physics of table tennis.
Practice.
Don't talk.
See that over there?
That's for you.
Practice until you can hit it
back to yourself ten times...
That should be quite...
In a row.
I've been watching you.
I think you could be
a brilliant paddler.
Paddler?
It's Felix, right?
Yeah.
Your forehand smash
could use a bit of tinkering,
and your teacher's
been rather busy.
Anyway, I am opening a new
school in a couple of weeks,
all brand-new tables.
You should come down,
check it out.
Here, you know what?
Take a couple.
Put them in your pocket.
Give them to your parents.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be passing out no porno
to none of my kids, yo.
No worries, m'laddo.
Just offering a little friendly
advice to my buddy here.
Yeah, we ain't buying
your opium around here.
Sure thing,
Chrissie.
Booyah!
'Sup with
Prince Charles, man?
You got a question
you can't ask me?
I can't smash it
like you.
Let me see.
Free Willy,
balls.
All right.
Dog, you got no energy
in your swing, man.
Pull your arm
back like this.
Angle it down like that,
all right?
Now swing away,
all right?
Like that,
okay?
Free Willy,
come on, man.
You're going to get chocolate
all over the balls, man.
Ain't you tell me your dad
sent you here to lose weight?
Then why you keep bringing
candy to class, man?
I got a rep to uphold.
All right, just remember
what I showed you
and keep flapping
them back, okay?
All right,
here we go.
Remember that angle.
There you go.
Come on,
smack that sucker.
Tell that white boy
who's boss.
Ow.
Speaking of the competition,
are you entering
Miss Chinatown this year?
Because if you
don't mind me saying so,
you're certainly
beautiful enough to win.
C- Dub in the hizzouse.
Yo, J.P., money,
money, money, money, money.
What's up?
Speaking of which,
I was just telling my boy Felix,
we got a little cash money game
going on across the street.
Some of my boys
swinging by.
Come run with.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, man.
I just finished class, man.
Hold up.
Now you too tired
from playing Ping-Pong?
Coaching, dog.
Responsibility's tiring.
Always one good excuse
after another from balling, man.
I haven't seen you
on a court since JV.
Aw, man, come on,
you know that ain't true, man.
You're too busy working
to see me in action anyway.
Come on, Orient Express.
I mean,
this is easy money.
It's just my boy Kev
and a bunch of old geezers.
Really?
Like how old-old?
Man, I don't know.
They're like grandpas
and.
My bad, homey.
All right, fine.
Let's roll.
This is a wake-up call
to all my hustlers on the block
trying to make some ball.
See, I told you, dog.
We got this.
J.P., what's up, boy?
What's up, homey?
This is my boy, C-Dub,
I was telling you about.
J.P. Tells me about
this last-second shot you hit
at district
back in the day.
Yeah, back in the day.
$30 to the winner, right?
Yo, $40.
You still owe me In-N-Out.
Oh, we gonna serve you
a Double-Double.
Just you wait.
Yo, let me hydrate first.
Then we run.
Whatever.
Hey, yo, man, I just want
to let you know, man,
I haven't played
in a couple weeks.
Felix said
you played last week.
Don't sweat it, playa.
You got this.
All I'm saying is, man,
can't expect my regular
20-10 game, that's all.
When we clean these fools out,
Cinnabon's on me.
Cinnabons, baby.
Yo, I wish I was
a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl
who looked good.
I would call her.
Wish I was a baller.
I wish I had,
I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.
Got to get tall.
Got to touch trees.
Got to show my hometown
it ain't anything.
Got to live large
with a black car.
Got to get my mom and dad
a brand-new yard.
Let's pretend I was seven-tr,
built like a tree
and a guy from east end,
and my man, Yao Ming,
got more bottle
'cause I'm living tall Gs.
I'll be a model
for a can of green beans.
You think it's funny,
but it ain't when you're broke.
It's like that
when the alarm is reset.
Try and sign a deal
but don't drop the soap.
If I roll a few feet,
then I know that there's hope.
I wish I was
a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl
who looked good.
I would call her.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had,
I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.
Yo, I wish, wish, wish.
Wish, wish,
wish, wish.
Dad, dude,
calm down, man.
Take it easy, man.
That money's
for you and Mom, man.
I was saving it
to fix the car, man.
Michael don't even have
a girlfriend, man.
He's always trying to get
them ugly-ass Miss Chinatowns.
But he has a good job.
And he's responsible.
I'm running your class,
ain't I?
What else I got to do,
become Ping-Pong king?
Yeah, right.
Okay?
Fine.
They're never cute.
They always
look like newscasters
cruising for prom dates.
Hey, remember
that cross-eyed one last year?
Hey, she looked
like a Chinese Lassie.
Oh!
Nice mailbox.
Nice ride.
Zero to 30
in 8-flat.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm telling you, man.
She's just mad jocking me
from the start, man.
How's that?
The eyes, smoldering.
Genius child-prodigy
Ping-Pong teacher, huh?
Yeah.
That was kind of funny.
Yeah, so is Felix home?
What do you want?
He's doing his homework.
All right, playa, so you got
your game face on, huh?
Yeah, so you know,
she's all up in my grill, man,
trying to get up close, man.
And I said,
"Wait a damn minute now. "
No one takes a ride
on the Orient Express
without paying
for a ticket.
I just wanted to give
the little man his money back.
Got caught?
Hey, look, lady,
I'm just trying to be nice.
I won that money
fair and square.
You think taking money from
old people and third graders
is fair and square?
Come on, she gonna take a ride
on the Orient Express?
Hey, wait, don't go jumping
the line now, man.
First, all right, she starts
giving me the sweet talk, right?
Talking about how little F-Bomb
looks up to me and.
Aw, that's so sweet.
You know, I tried
to get my parents
to make him
stop going to your class,
but he convinced them
you're, like,
his best friend
or something.
F- Bomb said that?
Just shows
how mature you are.
Your best friend is still
in elementary school.
You're so funny.
You're just lucky
he's the only boy in our family.
My parents spoil him.
Yeah, well, maybe they know
what's good for him.
Hey, better me teaching him than
some pasty Hugh Grant wannabe.
Yeah, I saw
y'all talking to him.
Hey, we don't talk to no...
They are the enemy.
Please, like I chose
to have him breathing on me
and shoving his flyers
in my face.
Someone's got to put
that guy on a bus.
Hey, I feel you
on that.
So why don't you,
if you're so offended
by him taking your students?
Well, maybe I will.
Good.
- Yeah.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
- Get on it.
Hey, I'm on it.
Feel me?
No, thanks.
Hey, you know, we got
some room in the class
if you want
to swing on by, you know?
Or I could give you some
private lessons on the side.
You and me
and Ping-Pong.
We could leave F-Bomb
at my mom's house.
If my sorry-ass manager
don't lay off the Saturdays...
No, I don't...
What's this?
My treat, dog.
Well, I like
the sound of that.
Oh, sure.
Nice.
Hey, you know, I let you down
on the court the other day, man.
These are good
when they're hot, man.
Absolutely.
Listen, I didn't
want you to think
I was pulling
a Latrell Sprewell,
so I didn't say nothing.
My knee was acting up, man.
Yeah, well,
ain't no thing.
Those guys were just better,
that's all.
Those geezers?
Hey, come on, man,
be real.
You know if my knee
was 100% % %...
Your knee has
never been 100% % %, man.
What's that
supposed to mean?
You just ain't
a baller, man.
Man, if you mad about
losing that money, man, hey...
Dude, I knew I was going
to lose that money.
You set me up, man?
Double betting
on the side, man?
Come on, money.
You know you can count me
in on that...
No, dog,
it's not like that.
I was just trying
to help you
face up to
your real skills, that's all.
My real skills?
Yeah, look,
we tight and all,
but if I got to hear
about your genetic disadvantage,
otherwise I'm gonna be
in the NBA bull
One more time,
I swear to God,
I'm going to have to
kill somebody.
I mean,
even if you're 8 feet tall
with a 12-pack, man,
you ain't never going
to be no Kobe Bryant.
Come on.
What?
Hey, C,
come on, man.
Hey, you got something to say,
just say it, man.
I just think you should cut
the wannabe crap, man.
I mean, we're still
going to be homies.
Hey, you think this is
about impressing you, man?
Look at you, man,
salary man,
9:00 to 5:00,
tied to the desk,
playing ring around
the water cooler.
You the one always talking
about the next big scheme, man.
And Mr. Entrepreneur
don't even have a business card.
I see.
So the best defense
is a good offense, huh?
Look, all I'm saying, man,
better a wannabe
than a bean counter.
Better a bean counter
than a loser.
Hey, a loser is someone who
gives up the game, all right?
No, no, a loser's somebody
who's got so many excuses
they never get in the game
in the first place.
Hey, you really
want to play this?
How about this then?
A loser's someone who takes
Chinese class for three years
and is still scared to order
dinner at Panda Express.
What?
Who?
What? You think I'm afraid
to use my Chinese?
Yeah.
Wait.
Read my lips.
Dog, dog, dog.
What?
What'd I say?
Are you trying to tell me
my basketball stinks?
Yeah, and?
All right,
try this, man.
Right, right.
Hey, dog,
that's harsh, man.
That's just harsh.
Sifu, I read in my book
about the topspin
you have to put on the ball
in order for it to have
a higher probability...
Dog, before you start fretting
about topspin,
you have to actually
hit the ball first.
Ah, so one must...
Ah, t-t-t-t.
Unscrew it.
That's what I'm trying to do.
It's, like, welded.
Unscrew the top.
Unscrew the top.
- I tried the top.
- No, the other top.
Listen, guys, you want to start
your own school?
No problem.
But you cannot take
our students.
It's a free country.
Kids can choose
their own school.
Yeah, it's a free country.
My wife
lets you practice here.
You cannot do this.
Can't handle a little
friendly competition.
Fine.
We'll go.
I'm sick of watching
these kids waste their time
with Conan the babysitter
anyway.
If they want real training,
they'll come learn
from the real masters,
the ones who invented
table tennis.
The Chinese
invented Ping-Pong.
Still smoking the opium,
old man?
That's so sad.
Don't come back again.
Hey, yo, Wonder Bread.
Hey, you got a problem
with my family,
you take it up with me.
You know, I feel
for your old man.
One son's a champion
with a bum wrist,
and the other one
is, um, you.
Hey, you come back here again,
and I'm going to show you
my fists of fury in closeup,
for real.
I don't need
to come back here,
because after
I win the Golden Cock,
those kids are going to be
begging me to teach them.
You know what?
You can take
your dumb-ass school
and your raggety-ass fliers
and shove them up
your mother ass.
Spoken like a true gentleman.
You know, I fancy a good parade
every now and then,
don't you, Tom?
Plus, I hear Miss Chinatown,
hot this year.
All right, look,
I'll do it,
but you got to train me.
Michael's Ping-Pong tournament,
I want to play.
Come on, man, don't pretend
like you don't know
what I'm talking about, man.
I heard y'all
talking in the kitchen
about how
you want me to play.
I just want you to know
I'm willing to represent.
What?
The store?
Hold up; you don't think
I got the chops
to hold down the store?
Man, I could work
the cash register, Dad.
I'm not an idiot.
Don't worry.
We'll manage.
Yeah, how?
I mean,
no one in our family plays.
No one represents.
Mom don't get students.
You don't get sales.
But you don't need my help.
Fine.
Man, I can't remember
the last time
I came up with an idea
and you said,
"Good idea, Chris. "
Hey, remember that time
you connect the TV
and the massage chair
with the remote control?
That was pretty good.
Man, whatever.
Forget it.
I'll train myself.
Yeah.
Why did you have
to cancel class?
Sorry, grasshoppers.
I can't be honing my skills
at the same time
I'm teaching y'all
Ping-Pong 101.
So? We'll watch you.
No can do.
Then we'll help you.
No disciple
would abandon his sifu.
Look, that's all good,
Prabakar,
but this calls for ninja mode,
not sifu mode.
I got to work on my drills,
skills, and kills.
See, I can't be stopping
to take attendance.
Why not?
Why can't we run with?
Dude, calm down.
You'll survive.
No, we won't.
If you cancel classes,
my mom will make me
take calligraphy.
My parents will put me
in S.A.T. Prep.
S.A.T. Prep?
You in, what,
like sixth grade?
Fourth.
For me,
language lab.
Brush painting.
Origami.
Folk dance.
Music theory.
Flower arranging.
- Computer camp.
- Test camp.
- Mental math.
- Abacus.
- Boys' choir.
- Boys' choir.
All right, fine.
Let's roll.
What happens if you get stuck
with this loan
for more than one year?
This is
an adjustable rate mortgage.
I have a friend
at City Federal...
I think it's actually
a little bit better.
Okay, game over,
grasshoppers.
I already played
a bunch of people.
It works.
Hey, a point
is a point.
Don't worry about it.
I'll manage.
I'll work it out.
Why not now?
Christopher,
I'm going to train you.
Really?
What about the store?
Mom can handle it.
Deal?
All right,
but as part of the deal,
I don't want
to hear no complaining
from you or mom either.
I mean, you know,
nothing about the job,
you know,
still living at home,
where's his girlfriend,
none of that.
- Come on, man.
- No way.
All right,
all right, all right.
Swing it, baby.
Let me take you higher,
swing it.
I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Here we go.
Hey, here we go.
Let's move.
Here's a kid
who learned to swing.
Getting love
when trouble swings.
Got you in the mood,
I'm like red wine.
Swing, baby, swing,
'cause tonight you're mine.
Let me make your whole world
start to spin.
You're spending the night
with an African.
I'm on the good foot
as long as I can.
Swing, baby, swing,
let's swing, let's go.
Have fun,
We're done, done, done.
Now stop.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Come on,
teach me how to swing.
I got my body moving.
Just gotta love
the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop;
keep swinging.
Come on,
teach me how to swing.
I got
your body moving.
Just gotta love
the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop;
keep swinging.
Swing, baby, swing.
Oh, tell 'em.
I'm still not clear
on the reason you chose
Ping-Pong over basketball.
Wait, look, look, look.
I didn't choose Ping-Pong
over nothing, all right?
Okay, well, it just seems
like an odd decision.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Well, I mean,
we've been talking,
and it seems like you're
trying to buck the stereotype
of the Asian community,
yet Ping-Pong seems...
Wait, like, I can't get in touch
with my roots and stuff?
My family owns
a Ping-Pong store, you know?
I mean, what do you even know
about the Asian or the Chinese
experience anyway, man?
I mean, what's the last time
you even had Chinese food, man?
As a matter of fact,
I had some last night.
It was B.S. Chang's.
It was a delightful meal.
B.S. Chang's?
Dog, B.S. Chang's is about as
Chinese as Charlie Chan, man.
B.S. Chang's
ain't no real Chinese.
Charlie Chan
isn't Chinese?
Is that true?
You a dumb-ass mother,
you know that?
Man, I'm getting it in,
ain't I?
Sifu, do we have to drill again
after wind sprints?
Yo, I'm training
just like y'all, man.
Come on, little homies,
what's up?
- Ping-Pong's not fun anymore.
- Yeah.
Well, y'all ain't coming here
to have fun.
You're here to learn.
Well, I'm tired
of learning.
Can't we still, like,
play games or something?
Pull a little something.
This is how we does.
Follow step, step,
but you catch a buzz.
At the back of the pool,
we be jigging
till we nauseous.
Acting a dance fool
like no one's really watching.
Do that, do that,
do that, do that, do that.
Nine to five,
overdrive.
Do that, do that,
do that, do that, do it.
Dance.
Do that, do that,
do that, do it.
I know, man,
I know.
Come on, dog, man,
it's just...
Dog?
It's just an expression...
Come on,
I'll practice an extra hour now.
Okay, just serves, okay?
Dad!
You didn't
bring him back on...
Where's the bike?
Hit a fire hydrant?
Very funny.
You know, it did
make you look taller.
I went to the mall
after class.
Thanks, like he's not spoiled
enough at home already.
Later.
Hey, what happened
to Mr. Smack?
Just ain't in the mood.
Mmm.
Stressed out, huh?
Stuff with your brother,
right,
taking his place
in the tournament?
How you know about that?
My brother talks about you
all the time.
It's not like I'm even trying
to win this thing for myself.
I'm doing it
for my family, man.
Ain't doing it so I can get
no stupid parade
and ride around with
Miss Chinatown and.
God, I hate that
Miss Chinatown.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It just perpetuates the whole
idea of the exotic Asian women.
I mean, half the people
that go see Miss Chinatown
aren't even Chinese.
Yeah, I feel you on that.
I feel you.
You know, a lot of those girls
don't even speak Chinese.
Serious?
That's what
my whole dissertation is on,
the objectification and
exoticizing of Chinese women.
Oh, that's tight.
So you in college, then?
Grad school.
Asian-American studies.
Cool.
Anyway, I got to go make Felix
ingest some protein.
Thanks for bringing him back.
No worries.
Oh, are you going to
the tournament next weekend?
Um, dissertation.
But maybe I'll try to make...
stop by.
What?
Christopher.
Oh, hell no.
All right, look, man,
hey, I said
I was going to play
in the tournament,
but I didn't agree to wear
no damn Daisy Dukes.
Daisy what?
Man, why I got
to wear those?
This is standard
Ping-Pong clothes.
All competitors
wear these.
Man, Michael
didn't have to wear these.
Son of a.
It's Cheryl,
not Shee-lo,
Cheryl Davis,
regional administrator.
Regional administ...
You can just say
I'm the boss.
You understand boss,
right?
Boss?
Right?
You know,
"You're fired!"
Boss.
Hey, man,
make sure your sister
don't see me in these
tight-ass shorts, man.
And I don't mean like
tight-tight, you hear me?
Word.
Look.
That's tight, man.
My ninjas.
- Dog...
- Not one word.
What are you
doing here anyway?
You going to tell me
my Ping-Pong stinks?
Now, come on, man.
I came here
'cause I got your back.
Round one
will begin in five minutes.
Competitors, please report
to your tables.
All right, man,
let's do this thing.
Aw, yeah,
what's up?
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling
while I turn around.
I can't believe it.
One mother match,
and it's already over.
Prince Charles
is going to win.
Maybe I'll see you later?
What's that
supposed to mean, man?
Like you're trying
to kick me while I'm down?
Like you think that just
'cause you win one stupid game
that you're like my master
and commander or something?
No, no, that's not
what I meant.
You think that
just 'cause I'm Chinese
that I'm going to be a passive,
non-aggressive mother?
Hey, hold me back, man,
hold me back.
Please, I just meant that maybe
I'll see you later
in the elimination round, man.
Come again?
The first half of the day, man,
round robin, man,
round robin.
- You mean I'm still in?
- Yes.
Dog, why didn't you
just say so?
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
First elimination
begins in ten minutes.
All scorers report
to officials' table.
You can't expect him
to change overnight, Ma.
The good thing is, he's finally
following through for once.
Hey, that was...
that was in, man.
Hey, it glanced off
the side of the table, man.
Did you see it
change angle, man?
Dude, it glanced
off the table, man.
Did you see it?
It changed angle, man.
Didn't you see it?
Give me that.
Come on, Chris.
Go back and change
the score, man.
That was a deuce.
We can play that again.
That's a deuce.
Hey, what are you doing, man?
What are you doing,
going back to your chair, man?
Ya!
Man, that last game
was bull, man.
That mother ref
is blind as a mother...
How would you know, man?
You don't even go
to any of my games, man.
Middle school, JV...
You're too old
to remember.
I'm talking
about Ping-Pong.
Man, what are you
ragging on me for, man?
I'm doing this
for you and Mom, man.
I don't even
want to be here.
Actually had
some lucky draws.
That last guy
was a...
You feel me?
That's tight.
I like that.
It's very nice.
We're coming correct,
you got to be hectic.
The people are jumping 'cause
they're feeling electric.
But give me a second
to reject the strike.
Respect the rock beat, people,
I'm the psycho.
Zap the bottle,
twist the cap,
tip the bottle back,
and relax,
as you get whack,
it's just a fact.
Nobody does it
better than us,
and we get so stupid
that we got
to ride the short bus.
Who rock the party?
We rock the party.
Never gonna,
never gonna give up now.
Uh!
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Take that one
back to your master.
Ah!
Booyah!
You're next!
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
I got it going on.
A- give me what you got.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
Never gonna,
never gonna...
You got this.
These goddamn shorts, man.
Sifu.
What's up, little Gs?
Where you been at?
I've taken the liberty
of outfitting
the shoes you threw away.
I've modified them to include
a hybrid rubber molding
on the side
as well as helium pockets
designed specifically to enhance
your jump-smashing style
of play.
P.B. Rizzle,
my own shoes.
My own nickname.
I mean, can I wear
these, though?
I mean, is it,
like, regulation shoes?
Regulation?
You know, like
the shorts and stuff.
According to the American
Table Tennis Federation,
there is no standard uniform.
Are you kidding me?
You mean all these fools
wear this by choice?
Son of a...
Christopher Wang,
please report for
the championships presentation.
Christopher Wang.
Hey!
I got this.
I got this, man.
I was listening
to you, man.
No matter what happens,
Ping-Pong is like life.
It's not the quick sprint
that matters.
It's...
Just kick his ass.
Booyah.
Booyah.
I got this feeling, man.
I got it,
I got it.
You'll never understand.
You know, uh,
you know, uh,
you know the place to be...
on top, on top,
right next to Booker T.
Let's play,
ha-ha.
Welcome, everyone,
to the championship match
of the Golden Cock
Ping-Pong Championship.
You know,
people ask me,
"Cheryl, how does a girl from
Iowa end up directing an event
sponsored by
the Chinese Community Center?"
And I just say to them,
"Me love a-Ping-Pong
long time. "
So our first competitor,
representing
the new Harcourt International
Institute of Table Tennis
of West Covina,
Gerald Harcourt.
And his challenger,
challenging for the title,
representing
Ping-Pong Palace,
Christopher Wang.
Excuse me.
Christopher "C-Dub" Wang.
Three games
for the match.
The first to 11 wins.
Good luck,
gentlemen.
Christopher Wang to serve.
Oh.
C- Dub, come on, you can do
better than that, baby.
Downtown to Chinatown, uh!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you get a point?
So fast, you missed it.
Son of a...
Game one
to Gerald Harcourt.
Harcourt leads
one to zero.
Gerald Harcourt to serve.
Ha-ha, who wants to play
some whack-a-fool?
That all you got,
weak nut?
Ah!
Like that?
Yeah, baby.
Make some noise,
make noise.
Aw, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Where my peoples at?
P.B. Rizzle!
No mercy.
That's my son.
He also plays piano.
Rachmaninoff, no problem.
Better bow down
to the new master.
Ah!
Make some noise,
make noise.
Go.
Thing of beauty.
So pretty.
That's all you, baby.
Game point, Wang.
What time is it?
Game time!
Game 2
to Christopher Wang.
Game tied
1 to 1.
Lost your collar, dog?
If you're
looking for your owner,
he's standing right here.
Tom, what do you do
with a dog
that barks too much?
P- T-S.
Oh, that's right, you're
putting everyone to sleep.
It's his best weapon,
you know.
Chinese chatter torture.
Christopher Wang
to serve.
I hope you're hungry,
'cause I'm getting ready
to serve you
some Chinese take-out.
Oh, who's smoking the opium now,
Sir Chokes-a-Lot?
Stuff that in your knickers,
blue boy.
Miss Davis, many, many rules
have been flaunted
during this match:
The showboating,
the profanity.
But this
I simply cannot let slide.
Under section 4-F
of the ATTF rulebook,
it clearly states
that unsportsmanlike conduct
may be defined as.:
"Baiting, tounting"...
Taunting.
There's a U.
"Baiting, taunting,
or any other act
"designed to embarrass,
ridicule, or demean others
on the basis of race, gender,
or national origin. "
You got to be kidding me.
Furthermore, it states
that players who exhibit
unsportsmanlike conduct
may face ejection.
Hold up,
you calling me a racist?
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
I will not be a pawn
in this forum
with these attacks
on my national heritage.
Dude, you're from,
like, Encino.
I demand his ejection.
Looking for
the easy way out, huh?
You're one to talk.
Someone get a cup
of shut-up juice
for this mama-jama.
Mr. Wang,
please do not speak Chinese.
The official language
of the ATTF is American.
The committee
will discuss this.
Please step away.
The committee has ruled
on Mr. Wang's violation
of ATTF section 4.
Because this is
a first infraction,
Mr. Wang
will not be ejected.
However, he will be required
to refrain
from all verbal ejaculations
for the remainder
of the tournament.
Verbal what?
What it means, old chum, is,
you can't talk.
Hold up, you know, I got
a right to free speech,
especially when the subject
of that speech
is a student-poaching,
female-harassing,
SPF-50-wearing,
Grey-Poupon-smearing mother...
Sir, you are one word away
from disqualification.
One.
Was th...
Was there something you...
He can't talk.
Back on my feet.
My game is,
my aim is
to get those
that's painless, not brainless.
Say something mean.
I know you want
to lash out.
Another reason I know
that I got to get out.
It's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need
to be friends.
So once you get to know me.
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
Yes, it's...
We don't need
to be friends.
Lights out.
So why don't you
get to walking?
It's on now.
You know,
you're really unbelievable.
I mean,
you cheating me
in things,
but I wasn't going to say
nothing about this.
Serve the ball.
You guys are being crazy.
Yes, this is the end.
Lights out.
We don't need
to be friends.
So why don't you
get to walking?
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need
to be friends.
So why don't you
get to walking?
It's over now, uh.
Injury time-out,
five minutes,
pending medical review.
Shake it off, C-Dub.
You know,
he wouldn't have fallen
if his footwork was just
a little bit neater.
He was airborne.
I don't think footwork
was the issue.
You'd be surprised.
You're the brother,
aren't you?
That's me.
Do you play?
No.
Would you like to learn?
Why does every guy I meet
want to teach me Ping-Pong?
I hate to break it to you,
but it's not exactly
a chick-magnet sport.
Well, it's like that in America,
but you know what?
In China, they would treat me
like Michael Jordan.
Excuse me.
What happened
to the posse?
I'm too nervous.
I feel like
I want to throw up.
Suck it up.
C- Dub's out there
sweating and bleeding.
Worse,
he can't talk,
and you guys sit here
like the see-no-evil monkeys?
Perhaps you could suggest
some cheers?
Do I look like
a cheerleader to you?
Boys, let's show them
what you got.
Mr. Wang is cleared for play.
The final game
will resume.
Harcourt leads
9 to 6.
Yes.
The score is tied.
Champion must win
by 2 points.
Match point, Wang.
Harcourt to serve.
Ah!
Uh!
Ah.
Ah!
Game and match
to Christopher Wang.
He was fantastic,
absolutely fantastic.
That's my son.
Ah!
Gerald, they're going
to make you pay for that.
You want some tea?
I got the thermos open.
Yeah!
Edward, you're late.
We need a partner
for Mrs. Lu.
Grab a paddle.
Oh, you did that.
Dad, hit it like this.
Tell your dad the
manufacturing deal's locked up.
All I need from you is to get
those specs for those shoes.
First thing tomorrow.
Word.
Yo, yo.
What's up, homey?
How's it feel to be
off the leash, man?
Oh, it's all good, playa.
When you got a big dog
like Rabakar's dad in the yard,
ain't no need to be sweating.
Hey, heard that.
Hey, do you want to play
some basketball later?
We haven't played
in forever.
Sorry, dog.
I have to give my moms
a ride home.
But I'll hit you up in the
neighborhood later, all right?
All right.
As long as
your sister's home.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, Ma.
One last lesson.
Always watch your back!
How you doing?
Splat!
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
Sitting at the table
throwing fits at my mother.
Want my own box.
I don't want to split
with my brother.
The one thing I hated
to admit, he discovered.
Certain cereals will make
the milk different colors.
If you took away my cereal,
you heard screams.
I like Kaboom! 'cause it
always made my poo turn green.
I make a scene
in the store
and start
to act disobedient
if sugar didn't come first
in the ingredients.
Make my mom buy me some,
no matter what it costed.
The best ones started
with the same word, "frosted. "
'Cause if it ain't sugary,
it ain't no good.
I hate
health food cereals.
They taste like wood.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm the champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
I'm rated number one
at the top of the game.
Hey, the dynasty's begun.
Ain't no stopping
this reign.
Better recognize the face,
start jocking the name.
With my whole line of shoes,
watch 'em
walkin' the Js.
Oh, I'm something special,
one of a kind.
Got my big bowl of Wheaties.
I was born to fly
Yes, I'm extra lifted,
extra gifted.
I'm going down in history
frozen in time.
Got trophies
by the dozens
and medals to count.
And I'm on your television show
and off my house.
Everybody wants to see me.
I'm the talk of the town.
Just the life
of a champ.
Take a look
at me now.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
I feel great
in the morning
when I wake up.
I'm a man on a mission
with no makeup.
I got lots to do today,
like find the right girl,
get my oil changed,
and take over the world.
See, everything you do,
I bet I could do it better.
If you climb a hill,
I'll climb the Staples Center.
If you say "what,"
then I'ma say "whatever. "
And if you
got the cheese,
then I'ma bring it better.
See, I don't even stop
at a stop sign.
With a off rhyme,
I can still sound dope on time.
I can sound proper.
I can sound unsigned.
Don't step to your man.
He's a land mine.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
Too short to be a baller, nope,
let alone a starter.
Warming up the bench,
I got it hotter
than a sauna.
Never getting called 'cause
I was skinny like my mama.
Couldn't land a chick
because my daddy sang opera.
Had a lot of time to think
stuffed inside my locker.
Penny for my thoughts,
then I'd have
a million dollars.
Didn't like to read,
so I couldn't be a scholar.
Didn't like the coppers.
Think a little harder.
Put it all together,
and what did I see?
What?
What could I be?
I could be an MC.
I ain't making money trees.
I'm just planting
my seeds.
But I'm doing what I feel,
and that's
a winner to me.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
Hi, I'm Gerald Harcourt
of the Harcourt Institute
of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
And, um, we're here to make
learning table tennis a smash.
We've got four hands
to perfect your forehands.
And you'll come back
to learn the backhand.
Table tennis:
Truly a sport of kings
and queens.
I lob it.
Harcourt Institute
of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
You'll all lob it too.
That's a...
I think that was a good one.
I liked it.
That was good.
Eye on East Hills
with Jon Howard.
Look, people think
that sports is fair,
you know,
just 'cause it got rules
and stuff.
You know,
but is it fair that,
you know,
Chinese people are short
or, you know, we have fewer
fast-twitch muscles in our legs?
How do you explain
Yao Ming then?
Yao Ming is a statistical
anomaly, all right?
You take a country
of 1.4 billion people,
you're sure to have a few
hundred tall, right?
And out of that few hundred,
you know,
you're bound to have at least
one or two that can play ball.
Statistical anomaly.
Never seen Charlie Chan.
Never forget Vincent Chin.
I'm 'bout to drop
some knowledge on you.
Let the lesson begin.
Now, I'ma teach
this assignment in slang,
brother, change
the whole world to see shit
like The Eye
by the Pang brothers.
Asian American
who ain't afraid to say
comparing me
to David Carradine
will get you set ablaze
with kerosene.
I don't call
television racist,
but I do watch The Simpsons
and SpongeBob
just to see
some yellow faces.
I take the yellow haters
down like elevators.
Left hand on your girl.
Right foot
on the accelerator.
You ain't laughing at that.
I'm that new type of Asian.
I'll let you
do the math on that one.
I'ma teach you who's me
'cause I'm the Bruce Lee
of loose-leaf,
the Donnie N. Of rhyming,
and the Jackie Chan
of rapping, man.
Orient Express coming through!
Forget what
you think you know.
I'll teach
your ashes a lesson.
Listen and learn
and don't ask me no questions.
Wake up, kids, and keep
your eyes in my direction.
Welcome
to my Chinese school.
Class is in session.
You're awesome.
You should be in the NBA.
My name's Felix.
Good for you.
Hey, hook me up
with some of that, man.
Shot was off.
The big guy made a bunch
of lucky shots anyway.
W- w-wait, hold up, dog.
Hey, you want
to run that back?
Ball.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Come on,
what you gonna do?
Come on.
Come on.
You ain't got it.
You ain't got nothing.
Ah, get some!
Ah, stuffed like a turkey!
Booyah!
I don't think so.
Go play piano!
Access denied!
Ah, access denied!
Come on,
you want some of this?
Yeah, get him!
Where you going?
Where you going?
Where you going?
That's where you're going.
Who's lucky now, huh?
What you looking at?
Aw, yeah.
Yeah, you better step off.
Hey, this is my neighborhood.
Who's the master?
You are.
And what's my name?
Chris?
Call me C-Dub.
And what time is it?
3:35.
Dog, dog, when I ask you
what time it is,
you're supposed to say
"game time," all right?
Wait, wait,
what time is it?
Game time.
No, no, no, on the reals, man.
What time is it?
3:35.
Mother...
All right, man,
I'm sorry I'm late, man.
There was this big-ass accident
on the 405, man.
This mofo was speeding,
picking his nose, man.
His ass ran, pow, right into
the back of a chicken truck.
Man, I saw blood.
There was glass, blood,
feathers, everywhere, man.
I'm telling you, J.P.,
you should've seen
this wang ba dan, man.
He might as well have been down
on his hands and knees.
He was begging me to stay.
I swear on the grace
of 18 generations
of my ancestors, man.
I ain't gonna be
late again.
All right, you can't get
a better guarantee than that
from a Chinese brother.
You know what
you had to do, right?
Don't playa-hate.
Negotiate.
For sure, so check it.
This fool starts talking fast
about bonuses, vacation days.
Man, he tried
to straight-up bribe me.
I'll give you my autographed
Michael Jordan jersey, man.
You know how much
that's worth?
Really?
All right, maybe I ain't
going to give you that,
but, hey, I'll give you
my Larry Johnson jersey.
Who?
You know, UNLV, Charlotte
Hornets, Grandma-ma.
Come on, man.
I'll wash your car, man.
Right, r-r-r-right.
So you had to show him
who was the real
lao fan, huh?
Oh, man, you know it, baby.
Set the record straight.
We ain't building railroads
for free no more, you hear?
Hey, man, how you
going to reach out
to your Asian customers, man?
Hey, they feel me,
feel me, man?
There's like 2 million of us
in L.A., man.
How you going
to communicate with them?
Wilson?
I was thinking, man.
Can't be wasting all my time
working for the man.
Right.
You know that comic book
I was working on,
the one with the gun-toting,
crime-fighting pandas?
That's where I need
to devote more of my time.
Yeah, and don't forget
about our T-shirt company.
That's what I'm saying, man.
And then
there's the casino.
Aw, can't forget
the crown jewel.
Cha-Ching Dynasty.
Booyah.
Hey.
Make money, money,
make money, money, make.
You know what
the Donald says?
Ah, wait,
you can't fire me, dog.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, 'cause I quit.
Hm.
Oh, you're too polite.
I'm just a lousy player.
Not everybody can play
like that guy.
Hey, Pa, I fixed your modem.
You should really think
about going wireless, though.
It's a lot faster.
Hey, Michael,
you remember Mr. Lin?
Oh, of course.
Tournament's coming up.
You training hard?
Not that you need to.
You could probably win
blindfolded.
I'm just very lucky.
I definitely
should practice more.
Oh, I don't see how
you could find the time.
I got a nephew
in residency at General.
They're killing him
over there.
Well, my hospital's
definitely going to kill me
if I don't get back
right now,
so... good to see you.
- See you later.
- Pa.
Bye.
William?
He's too lazy...
and fat.
Ah, tell Mike, man.
He ain't doing nothing.
Doing nothing?
Yeah, but he don't have to work
on Saturday morning.
All right, all right,
all right!
Ow.
What up, playa?
Oh, man,
what time is it?
Time for you
to get your ass up, homey.
Man, aren't you supposed
to be in school?
Yeah, it's recess.
Hey, you need
to get down here.
No can, man, I told the dads
I was going to work.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'll tell him later, man.
No biggie.
All right,
but don't complain
when everybody tells you
they seen the new ride.
Hold up.
You got a new ride?
I'll see you in a minute.
Sweet.
Thud!
Ow.
Oh,.
Man, I was going
to tell you later, man.
I mean, you and Mom
have been bugging me
to lose that lame-ass job
anyway, right?
Hey, so check it out, man.
I got an email
from my friend Ian
about how his friend opened up
an online clothing store, man.
He works from home, man.
He makes like a few thousand
dollars, man, every month, man.
I said, "Hey, let me key in
on some of that. "
And then,
you know Henry, right?
Hey, he self-published
this comic book last month.
I'm going to talk to him
about that too.
I mean, he got, like, his own
website and everything, man.
Yo, you feeling me
on this?
Mr. Waaang?
It's Wang, dog.
I'm sorry, "Wong. "
Wang, not Wong.
Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Is she all right?
Good news.
Yourwrists
are just sprained.
You'll need
to take it easy for a while.
You can start physical therapy
in a couple weeks.
Just goes to show you
you can never be
too careful driving.
Wait, wait, hold up, dog.
What's that supposed to mean?
Excuse me?
You just assume that just
because my moms is Chinese
that she's a bad driver?
Like she couldn't break her hand
gardening or baking pies,
some Martha Stewart.
Hey, that's straight-up
racialism, dog.
You better have
malpractice insurance.
I just read her chart.
It said
"car accident" on it.
Yeah, so?
This is for the pain.
The nurse
will sign you out.
Ow.
I'm okay.
They gave you
ibuprofen, huh?
We should make sure
you get the good stuff, okay?
We'll get you Vicodin, Ma.
Oh, wait a minute now.
People always think that,
you know, Chinese people,
all they're good at are math,
martial arts,
and mu shu pork, you know?
But basketball, hey, that was
really my thing back in the day,
you know what I'm saying?
I used to play
on the JV squad.
Booyah.
They called me
The Orient Express.
They call me The Orient Express
for more than one reason.
You know what I'm saying?
Feel me, man?
Feel that?
Actually, I don't.
Uh...
A, B, C.
A, G, C.
A, B, C.
Superstar.
Nerds.
Yeah, homeboy
was on the news last week.
Supposed to be
some kind of genius.
So when we going
to play some ball, man?
Oh, no, man.
I got that thing later.
Oh, that's right.
Ping-Pong.
When you gonna get
a bowl cut?
I'm just helping out
my moms, man.
Kick her while she's down,
why don't you?
You're in Ping-Pong too?
No, dog,
I ain't in Ping-Pong.
I'm teaching Ping-Pong.
Awesome!
I'm in that class!
This it?
Yep.
All right,
all right.
What's going on,
everybody?
Come on over.
Is it true that Coach Wang
broke ten bones?
I heard they had to
cut off her arm.
What are you smoking?
All y'all need to know is,
I'm going to be teaching
for a little while.
Who are you?
I'm Chris,
but call me C-Dub.
Are you the guy that wins
the Ping-Pong tournament
every single year?
No.
But isn't Coach Wang
your mom?
That's her other son.
Yeah, better
get that straight.
- What's your name?
- William.
Free Willy,
listen up.
Don't ask stupid questions,
and you won't get
stupid answers.
All right, the rest of y'all,
come up here real quick.
Put a check
next to your name.
Hey, what's your name again?
Felix.
F- Bomb, hey.
What's the deal
with the white boys?
Coach Wang
lets them practice here.
They're, like, pros
or something.
All right, whatever.
So what y'all
normally do?
We usually warm up first.
Coach Wang always says...
Ah, t-t-t-t.
Don't just stand there
and tell me about it.
Step to it.
We're done.
20 forehands
and 20 backhands each.
Well, good for you.
Now do another 20.
Make that 30.
Aw, yeah.
What's up, playa?
Oh, I see you got
your eye on that.
So what's the holdup?
Aw, man,
you can't just run up
and start
humping her leg like a dog.
You got to be
like a tiger, man.
You got to stalk the prey.
You got to wait for it
and then...
bam,
pounce on that.
Yeah, I feel you
on that, man.
I feel you.
Hey, what you up to, man?
Joe put that issue of Hellboy
on hold for me.
Aw, man, I got to work.
On Saturday?
Work sucks, man.
Oh, I forgot.
You wouldn't know.
Ah, it's like that, huh?
I help you out
with your Chinese homework,
and this is how
you repay me?
Don't worry.
When I'm making my millions
in the exploding China market,
I'll be sure to cut you in
on a little RNB.
Yeah, you better.
Oh, hey, keys.
How long?
Brother's car
is still in the shop.
Later.
Take care of my baby.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims,
m- my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims,
m- my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining,
and my paint keeps chipping.
So glad you came by.
Well, I was
in the neighborhood.
I wanted to step in
and check on things.
Just give him
a few more days.
He's starting to practice
a little already.
Well, everyone at the ATTF
will be happy to hear that.
It's always a treat watching
Michael defend his title.
About the sponsorship...
We can talk about it
once Michael's recovered.
And I hope Mei
is feeling better too.
Just goes to show you,
you can never be too careful
when driving.
Excuse me.
How much are these?
'Cause I'm kind of
in a hurry.
Well, I can see you're busy.
I'll call you later.
We'll see you soon.
Hey, I ain't the rude one.
Cheryl Davis
is the regional director
of the table tennis federation.
So? It don't give her the right
to perpetuate
racial stereotypes.
What do you want?
Ma, I don't know
if I can teach that class.
That's not
what I'm talking about.
It's boring, man.
I ain't trying to coach
no Bad News Bears.
Come on, man.
It's not my thing.
Make Michael
teach the class then.
Hey, I play sports,
not games.
The Chinese, we're the masters
of Ping-Pong.
You always say
Chinese this and Chinese that,
but all you want to do
is play basketball.
Do you see any Chinese people
playing in the NBA?
As a matter of fact...
China!
Man, are you still trying to
play in that stupid tournament?
Everything's always stupid
to you, isn't it, Chris?
That's 'cause I know you, man.
You just want to go
to that dumb-ass parade.
I can see your future,
and you are not going on a date
with Miss Chinatown.
It's not about
Miss Chinatown.
You just love
the Miss Chinatown, though.
Well, at least
I've got standards.
Is that what you're calling
the Ten Commandments these days?
There are only eight, Chris.
You find an Ivy League graduate
who's over 5'6",
can sing, run a six-minute mile,
and look good in a bikini,
and is interested in you,
there's still
something wrong with her.
You think that's why I play
in the tournament every year?
Does Yao Ming
like Chinese food?
Oh, my God,
you're so stupid.
Listen, genius,
this is how it works, okay?
I play in the tournament.
Then I win the tournament.
Now, all the Chinese parents
out there,
they get really excited,
and they put their kids
in our classes,
which Mom teaches.
Then they buy
the gear in our store.
And ultimately, that gives us
money to pay for the Wheaties
you stick up your ass
every morning.
It is Marketing 101.
Wow, did you come up
with that yourself?
Shut up.
Chris, you need to get a job.
And I'm not talking about
hawking cell phones
at the mall, okay?
I'm talking about a real job,
so you can make
some real money
so you can move your ass
out of the house
and maybe just stop living
over the garage
like some sort
of yellow Fonzie.
There's some admin work
over at the hospital.
All the time I've known you...
No, I ain't going to work
in no hospital, please.
Well, dude,
figure it out, okay,
'cause I'm tired of hearing it
from Ma and Pa all the time.
Well, now you know
how I feel.
No, I don't, 'cause this
is not my fault, Chris.
Hey, this whole effed-up
situation is your fault.
Oh, please, elaborate.
You're just
a terrible driver, dog.
Ow.
That was going in, man.
You ever see you drive, huh?
- At least I got a car.
- Ma!
Yeah, call for Mama.
"Stop. "
Ow.
Yeah, homey.
You don't think if I was 7'6"
like Yao Ming,
that I wouldn't be dunking on
fools all over the place, man?
I mean, even if I was just 6'6",
you know?
I mean, and not to say that
if I was black or white that,
you know, I'd be the next,
you know, Kobe Bryant
or Manu Ginobili,
you know, but...
all I'm saying is that I'd be
at least a Moochie Norris,
you know, or at least
a Mark Madsen,
at the very least,
you know?
Chinese people
are just not meant
to be tall, man,
you know?
We're good at badminton,
fencing, stuff like...
I don't know.
You know, like gymnastics
and, man, Ping-Pong.
Ah!
Man, we should be running
some ball right now, feel me?
I feel you.
Take it from me, man.
Unless you want to become
the Chinese Napoleon Dynamite,
get out of Ping-Pong.
Got it?
Got it.
I'm just here
'cause my moms is hurt.
Otherwise, I'd be taking it
to the hole, man,
crossing fools over.
Did I ever tell you about that
championship game at district?
Man, it was awesome.
There was this
half-court shot, man.
It was like football field
delivery, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Chubby, let me show you
the backhand serve.
Ah, hey, I got this.
I got this.
Sure thing, coach.
Free Willy, man,
you working too hard, man.
You don't need to swing it
like a baseball bat, man.
Just chop it, all right?
Thanks.
That's awesome.
Teach me too.
Class is over, F-Bomb.
What did I tell you anyway?
You better start working
on your jump shot.
Please?
I'll give you $10.
Whoo!
Game over, man, game over.
Again. Again.
Aw, come on, man.
I got to get going.
Please?
All right, you
talked me into it.
Yes.
You have a reputation for being
sort of hard on the children.
Why is that?
Look, I'm just trying
to keep it real, all right?
I'm trying to teach them
life lessons, you know,
so they don't have to go
through all the pain
and humiliation and suffering
that I had to go through,
you know what I'm saying?
What do you mean
by "suffering"?
You know, man, you think
my parents supported my dream
of becoming the first
Chinese player in the NBA?
Man, hell, no, man,
it was always about, you know,
"Go study, hit the books,"
man, "Go play violin. "
And you feel that held you back?
Hell, yeah, man.
I mean, dude, look at
my one Chinese brother, man.
His parents made him play the
accordion for ten years, man.
Look at what happened to him.
What happened?
Homey's in tech support
now, man.
It hurts me, dog.
It hurts me.
I'm sorry.
Don't touch me.
Aw, yeah.
Hey.
What you doing?
Man, I'm just trying
to holler at some honeys.
Feel me?
You mean that girl?
Hey, don't point like that.
That's not a honey.
That's my sister.
For real?
Damn, man, all this time,
why didn't you tell me
your sister was a hottie?
Ew.
Hey, she isn't
one of those girls
that only dates white boys,
is she?
You want to help
a brother out?
Okay.
Just tell your sister
about Ping-Pong class
and how cool your teacher is
and stuff, all right?
All right.
But don't be obvious or nothing.
Just tell her, like, you know,
how your day went and all that
and your teacher
just happens to be
this really cool guy; got it?
Oh, good-looking too.
Don't forget that.
And good at basketball.
Got it.
All right. My ninja.
My ninja.
I want it.
You deserve it.
A- Train, hand over that PSP
and go with B-Diddy over here.
Hey, what did I tell you about
eating dried squid in class?
Man, you got
to take that outside.
That's him.
He's awesome.
What you doing, dog?
That's Henry.
He's from Manila.
Yeah, so?
He said he's better than
everyone at Chinese school.
That's why he doesn't
take Ping-Pong here.
I said you could beat him.
Come on, man.
I got a class to teach, man.
Plus, you know I haven't really
played in a little while.
Please?
I'll give you some money.
Ooh.
What if I lose?
You can still have it.
All right, hold up a second.
Free Willy,
Adam.
What you doing, dog?
Don't you know that "boba"
is Chinese for "boob"?
You know why?
You drink enough of it,
that's what you're
going to get, man boobs.
Is that what you want?
Is it?
All right, you're going
to be my scorekeeper.
Watch and learn,
all right?
All right.
Game over, sucker.
Kablamo!
We showed him.
All the way back
to Chan Marino.
You got any more friends?
You got to rock
to the rhythm with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more
than the minimum.
Rock to the rhythm
with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more,
more, more.
Yo, wake up,
wake up.
It's a new day now.
Side step, right, left,
move when I break down.
How I get down?
Make 'em all sit down.
Either that or have them
hurrying to skip town.
Yeah, you're just like
good tobacco,
'cause I just put you
in my pipe and smoked you.
There you go.
Yeah, hey,
time to go to bed, old man.
Thanks for your business.
A pleasure to serve you.
Who's next?
That's it.
That's it?
Come on, man.
That's like barely 40 bucks.
Man, where are
all your rich friends?
You got something to say,
come say it to my face.
You're a real boon
to the sport of table tennis.
You're using your mom's class
to hustle suckers.
What did you say
about my mama?
All he's saying is,
maybe these students
deserve someone
a little more qualified.
Oh, you know,
all right, let's go.
Come on, what you want
to play for?
Please; whatever happened
to playing for sport?
All right,
you know what?
I got a few minutes
to kill.
Booyah.
Take my coat.
Oh, that's a bad China word.
Okay, first to 11 wins.
Skunk at 7.
- Come on, C-Dub.
- Do it. Booyah!
Two more points.
I think I smell skunk.
Smells pretty good to me.
Sorry, chum.
I got some more important
business to attend to.
Oh, he's walking away.
Gee, I'm shocked.
F- Bomb, finish up
with this fool.
Can we switch scores?
No.
Hi, how you doing?
Hi.
Yeah, I seen you around.
You play Ping-Pong?
Are you the instructor,
the guy that's been stealing
my brother's allowance?
Oh, wait, wait, hold on.
No, no, no.
You got the wrong dude.
That's the guy you want.
That kid?
He's like a Ping-Pong prodigy
or something.
- I'm serious.
- Really?
Yeah, he was on the news
the other day, man.
News lady said he's, like,
a genius or something.
Okay, thanks.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
My favorite kinds
was made by Meneral Gills.
Big spoon, big bowl,
I got minimal spills.
I ain't finished
about yet.
In a minute,
I will.
While I'm
getting my cartoon,
it comes
from cinema thrills.
I be watching Master Killer
chomping 'Zilla Vanilla.
Maybe grape, that's the one
that had the purple gorilla.
I crunch,
Chumpster Hunch Munch,
watch the Dukes
doing stunt jumps.
Christopher...
Christopher?
You got to be kidding.
Why not?
He has enough
free time now.
Ma, no way.
No way.
All he does is play video games
and read comic books all day.
No way.
Ma, this wasn't my fault.
Booyah!
Man, I'm telling you, man,
if I was just
one inch taller, man,
I'd be dunking
all the time, man.
Tomahawk, windmill, 360-degree
peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Uh!
Yeah, so we going to run
another game orwhat?
We can take these jabronis.
Can't.
I gotta go.
Where?
Birthday party.
I don't even want to go.
Well, then, don't go.
My sister's making me.
Man, and another thing, man.
Why you have to go all off
and tell your sister
about what we were doing, man?
I thought we was tight.
You said to tell her
about Ping-Pong class.
That means telling her
that you play Ping-Pong,
not that you
play Ping-Pong for money.
Just tell her that you made
all that up, all right?
I'm not as good
at lying as you are.
Hold up; Why you got to be
hurtful, man?
I'm not asking you
to lie, man.
I'm just asking you
to finesse the truth.
You got it?
Okay.
So where
this party at, man?
Geometrically speaking,
the probability of striking
all ten pins is highest
when the ball enters formation
at a 45-degree angle.
That didn't work.
Perhaps I should try
launching with more force.
Thud!
It's a shame,
isn't it?
What's that,
the nerds?
Matter of speaking, yes.
The birthday boy guy,
he's the biggest nerd
of them all.
Yes, my son,
the biggest nerd.
Oh, I didn't mean it
like that.
No, no, no,
it's quite all right.
It's a thing
with my son.
What good is it being able to
play Rachmaninoff at age six
if you don't have
an audience to play for, huh?
Hey, man, I don't mean
no disrespect,
but he ain't going to make no
friends warming a piano bench.
You know what I'm saying?
You have a point.
Oh, D.B. Reddy.
C- Dub.
I'm here
with my boy, Felix.
Oh.
Speak of the devil.
What's up?
Yo, yo, yo.
Yeah, F-Bomb, eh,
this is Prabakar's dad.
Hello, Felix.
Welcome.
Please,
make yourself comfortable.
There's some
pepperoni pizza.
Cool, thanks.
Amazing.
This boy,
he is your...
That's my basketball homey.
Oh, you're
his basketball teacher.
Uh, I actually
teach him Ping-Pong
at the Chinese school.
Ah, is that
your primary occupation?
No, no, no.
I'm actually getting ready
to start up a business
with a friend of mine,
you know?
We're going to press
some comic books,
start our own clothing line.
You know,
entrepreneurial-type stuff.
Fantastic.
Absolutely fantastic.
Yeah.
I was just like you
starting out,
less than $100 in my pocket
when I came from India.
And now I own
my own textile company.
That's tight, man.
That's like
kitchen tiles and stuff?
Oh, no, no, no.
Textiles as in fabric
for clothing and shoes.
Oh, oh, my bad.
No, it's quite all right,
my friend.
Well, I wish you luck
in your endeavors.
I think you have
what it takes.
Yo, for real?
You think
I could roll like you?
Listen, most people
underestimate
the social skills needed
to succeed in business.
Prabakar doesn't need
more math classes.
He needs to learn
to socialize,
to be a kid.
Yeah, so I ask you,
would you take on my son
as one of your disciples?
Disciple?
Yeah!
I like the sound of that.
Prepare for practice games,
y'all.
What do I do,
Coach Chris?
Call me C-Dub.
- L...
- Oh, you know what?
I got a better idea.
Call me sifu.
Yes, sifu.
I've done some studying
on the physics of table tennis.
Practice.
Don't talk.
See that over there?
That's for you.
Practice until you can hit it
back to yourself ten times...
That should be quite...
In a row.
I've been watching you.
I think you could be
a brilliant paddler.
Paddler?
It's Felix, right?
Yeah.
Your forehand smash
could use a bit of tinkering,
and your teacher's
been rather busy.
Anyway, I am opening a new
school in a couple of weeks,
all brand-new tables.
You should come down,
check it out.
Here, you know what?
Take a couple.
Put them in your pocket.
Give them to your parents.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be passing out no porno
to none of my kids, yo.
No worries, m'laddo.
Just offering a little friendly
advice to my buddy here.
Yeah, we ain't buying
your opium around here.
Sure thing,
Chrissie.
Booyah!
'Sup with
Prince Charles, man?
You got a question
you can't ask me?
I can't smash it
like you.
Let me see.
Free Willy,
balls.
All right.
Dog, you got no energy
in your swing, man.
Pull your arm
back like this.
Angle it down like that,
all right?
Now swing away,
all right?
Like that,
okay?
Free Willy,
come on, man.
You're going to get chocolate
all over the balls, man.
Ain't you tell me your dad
sent you here to lose weight?
Then why you keep bringing
candy to class, man?
I got a rep to uphold.
All right, just remember
what I showed you
and keep flapping
them back, okay?
All right,
here we go.
Remember that angle.
There you go.
Come on,
smack that sucker.
Tell that white boy
who's boss.
Ow.
Speaking of the competition,
are you entering
Miss Chinatown this year?
Because if you
don't mind me saying so,
you're certainly
beautiful enough to win.
C- Dub in the hizzouse.
Yo, J.P., money,
money, money, money, money.
What's up?
Speaking of which,
I was just telling my boy Felix,
we got a little cash money game
going on across the street.
Some of my boys
swinging by.
Come run with.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, man.
I just finished class, man.
Hold up.
Now you too tired
from playing Ping-Pong?
Coaching, dog.
Responsibility's tiring.
Always one good excuse
after another from balling, man.
I haven't seen you
on a court since JV.
Aw, man, come on,
you know that ain't true, man.
You're too busy working
to see me in action anyway.
Come on, Orient Express.
I mean,
this is easy money.
It's just my boy Kev
and a bunch of old geezers.
Really?
Like how old-old?
Man, I don't know.
They're like grandpas
and.
My bad, homey.
All right, fine.
Let's roll.
This is a wake-up call
to all my hustlers on the block
trying to make some ball.
See, I told you, dog.
We got this.
J.P., what's up, boy?
What's up, homey?
This is my boy, C-Dub,
I was telling you about.
J.P. Tells me about
this last-second shot you hit
at district
back in the day.
Yeah, back in the day.
$30 to the winner, right?
Yo, $40.
You still owe me In-N-Out.
Oh, we gonna serve you
a Double-Double.
Just you wait.
Yo, let me hydrate first.
Then we run.
Whatever.
Hey, yo, man, I just want
to let you know, man,
I haven't played
in a couple weeks.
Felix said
you played last week.
Don't sweat it, playa.
You got this.
All I'm saying is, man,
can't expect my regular
20-10 game, that's all.
When we clean these fools out,
Cinnabon's on me.
Cinnabons, baby.
Yo, I wish I was
a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl
who looked good.
I would call her.
Wish I was a baller.
I wish I had,
I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.
Got to get tall.
Got to touch trees.
Got to show my hometown
it ain't anything.
Got to live large
with a black car.
Got to get my mom and dad
a brand-new yard.
Let's pretend I was seven-tr,
built like a tree
and a guy from east end,
and my man, Yao Ming,
got more bottle
'cause I'm living tall Gs.
I'll be a model
for a can of green beans.
You think it's funny,
but it ain't when you're broke.
It's like that
when the alarm is reset.
Try and sign a deal
but don't drop the soap.
If I roll a few feet,
then I know that there's hope.
I wish I was
a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl
who looked good.
I would call her.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had,
I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.
Yo, I wish, wish, wish.
Wish, wish,
wish, wish.
Dad, dude,
calm down, man.
Take it easy, man.
That money's
for you and Mom, man.
I was saving it
to fix the car, man.
Michael don't even have
a girlfriend, man.
He's always trying to get
them ugly-ass Miss Chinatowns.
But he has a good job.
And he's responsible.
I'm running your class,
ain't I?
What else I got to do,
become Ping-Pong king?
Yeah, right.
Okay?
Fine.
They're never cute.
They always
look like newscasters
cruising for prom dates.
Hey, remember
that cross-eyed one last year?
Hey, she looked
like a Chinese Lassie.
Oh!
Nice mailbox.
Nice ride.
Zero to 30
in 8-flat.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm telling you, man.
She's just mad jocking me
from the start, man.
How's that?
The eyes, smoldering.
Genius child-prodigy
Ping-Pong teacher, huh?
Yeah.
That was kind of funny.
Yeah, so is Felix home?
What do you want?
He's doing his homework.
All right, playa, so you got
your game face on, huh?
Yeah, so you know,
she's all up in my grill, man,
trying to get up close, man.
And I said,
"Wait a damn minute now. "
No one takes a ride
on the Orient Express
without paying
for a ticket.
I just wanted to give
the little man his money back.
Got caught?
Hey, look, lady,
I'm just trying to be nice.
I won that money
fair and square.
You think taking money from
old people and third graders
is fair and square?
Come on, she gonna take a ride
on the Orient Express?
Hey, wait, don't go jumping
the line now, man.
First, all right, she starts
giving me the sweet talk, right?
Talking about how little F-Bomb
looks up to me and.
Aw, that's so sweet.
You know, I tried
to get my parents
to make him
stop going to your class,
but he convinced them
you're, like,
his best friend
or something.
F- Bomb said that?
Just shows
how mature you are.
Your best friend is still
in elementary school.
You're so funny.
You're just lucky
he's the only boy in our family.
My parents spoil him.
Yeah, well, maybe they know
what's good for him.
Hey, better me teaching him than
some pasty Hugh Grant wannabe.
Yeah, I saw
y'all talking to him.
Hey, we don't talk to no...
They are the enemy.
Please, like I chose
to have him breathing on me
and shoving his flyers
in my face.
Someone's got to put
that guy on a bus.
Hey, I feel you
on that.
So why don't you,
if you're so offended
by him taking your students?
Well, maybe I will.
Good.
- Yeah.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
- Get on it.
Hey, I'm on it.
Feel me?
No, thanks.
Hey, you know, we got
some room in the class
if you want
to swing on by, you know?
Or I could give you some
private lessons on the side.
You and me
and Ping-Pong.
We could leave F-Bomb
at my mom's house.
If my sorry-ass manager
don't lay off the Saturdays...
No, I don't...
What's this?
My treat, dog.
Well, I like
the sound of that.
Oh, sure.
Nice.
Hey, you know, I let you down
on the court the other day, man.
These are good
when they're hot, man.
Absolutely.
Listen, I didn't
want you to think
I was pulling
a Latrell Sprewell,
so I didn't say nothing.
My knee was acting up, man.
Yeah, well,
ain't no thing.
Those guys were just better,
that's all.
Those geezers?
Hey, come on, man,
be real.
You know if my knee
was 100% % %...
Your knee has
never been 100% % %, man.
What's that
supposed to mean?
You just ain't
a baller, man.
Man, if you mad about
losing that money, man, hey...
Dude, I knew I was going
to lose that money.
You set me up, man?
Double betting
on the side, man?
Come on, money.
You know you can count me
in on that...
No, dog,
it's not like that.
I was just trying
to help you
face up to
your real skills, that's all.
My real skills?
Yeah, look,
we tight and all,
but if I got to hear
about your genetic disadvantage,
otherwise I'm gonna be
in the NBA bull
One more time,
I swear to God,
I'm going to have to
kill somebody.
I mean,
even if you're 8 feet tall
with a 12-pack, man,
you ain't never going
to be no Kobe Bryant.
Come on.
What?
Hey, C,
come on, man.
Hey, you got something to say,
just say it, man.
I just think you should cut
the wannabe crap, man.
I mean, we're still
going to be homies.
Hey, you think this is
about impressing you, man?
Look at you, man,
salary man,
9:00 to 5:00,
tied to the desk,
playing ring around
the water cooler.
You the one always talking
about the next big scheme, man.
And Mr. Entrepreneur
don't even have a business card.
I see.
So the best defense
is a good offense, huh?
Look, all I'm saying, man,
better a wannabe
than a bean counter.
Better a bean counter
than a loser.
Hey, a loser is someone who
gives up the game, all right?
No, no, a loser's somebody
who's got so many excuses
they never get in the game
in the first place.
Hey, you really
want to play this?
How about this then?
A loser's someone who takes
Chinese class for three years
and is still scared to order
dinner at Panda Express.
What?
Who?
What? You think I'm afraid
to use my Chinese?
Yeah.
Wait.
Read my lips.
Dog, dog, dog.
What?
What'd I say?
Are you trying to tell me
my basketball stinks?
Yeah, and?
All right,
try this, man.
Right, right.
Hey, dog,
that's harsh, man.
That's just harsh.
Sifu, I read in my book
about the topspin
you have to put on the ball
in order for it to have
a higher probability...
Dog, before you start fretting
about topspin,
you have to actually
hit the ball first.
Ah, so one must...
Ah, t-t-t-t.
Unscrew it.
That's what I'm trying to do.
It's, like, welded.
Unscrew the top.
Unscrew the top.
- I tried the top.
- No, the other top.
Listen, guys, you want to start
your own school?
No problem.
But you cannot take
our students.
It's a free country.
Kids can choose
their own school.
Yeah, it's a free country.
My wife
lets you practice here.
You cannot do this.
Can't handle a little
friendly competition.
Fine.
We'll go.
I'm sick of watching
these kids waste their time
with Conan the babysitter
anyway.
If they want real training,
they'll come learn
from the real masters,
the ones who invented
table tennis.
The Chinese
invented Ping-Pong.
Still smoking the opium,
old man?
That's so sad.
Don't come back again.
Hey, yo, Wonder Bread.
Hey, you got a problem
with my family,
you take it up with me.
You know, I feel
for your old man.
One son's a champion
with a bum wrist,
and the other one
is, um, you.
Hey, you come back here again,
and I'm going to show you
my fists of fury in closeup,
for real.
I don't need
to come back here,
because after
I win the Golden Cock,
those kids are going to be
begging me to teach them.
You know what?
You can take
your dumb-ass school
and your raggety-ass fliers
and shove them up
your mother ass.
Spoken like a true gentleman.
You know, I fancy a good parade
every now and then,
don't you, Tom?
Plus, I hear Miss Chinatown,
hot this year.
All right, look,
I'll do it,
but you got to train me.
Michael's Ping-Pong tournament,
I want to play.
Come on, man, don't pretend
like you don't know
what I'm talking about, man.
I heard y'all
talking in the kitchen
about how
you want me to play.
I just want you to know
I'm willing to represent.
What?
The store?
Hold up; you don't think
I got the chops
to hold down the store?
Man, I could work
the cash register, Dad.
I'm not an idiot.
Don't worry.
We'll manage.
Yeah, how?
I mean,
no one in our family plays.
No one represents.
Mom don't get students.
You don't get sales.
But you don't need my help.
Fine.
Man, I can't remember
the last time
I came up with an idea
and you said,
"Good idea, Chris. "
Hey, remember that time
you connect the TV
and the massage chair
with the remote control?
That was pretty good.
Man, whatever.
Forget it.
I'll train myself.
Yeah.
Why did you have
to cancel class?
Sorry, grasshoppers.
I can't be honing my skills
at the same time
I'm teaching y'all
Ping-Pong 101.
So? We'll watch you.
No can do.
Then we'll help you.
No disciple
would abandon his sifu.
Look, that's all good,
Prabakar,
but this calls for ninja mode,
not sifu mode.
I got to work on my drills,
skills, and kills.
See, I can't be stopping
to take attendance.
Why not?
Why can't we run with?
Dude, calm down.
You'll survive.
No, we won't.
If you cancel classes,
my mom will make me
take calligraphy.
My parents will put me
in S.A.T. Prep.
S.A.T. Prep?
You in, what,
like sixth grade?
Fourth.
For me,
language lab.
Brush painting.
Origami.
Folk dance.
Music theory.
Flower arranging.
- Computer camp.
- Test camp.
- Mental math.
- Abacus.
- Boys' choir.
- Boys' choir.
All right, fine.
Let's roll.
What happens if you get stuck
with this loan
for more than one year?
This is
an adjustable rate mortgage.
I have a friend
at City Federal...
I think it's actually
a little bit better.
Okay, game over,
grasshoppers.
I already played
a bunch of people.
It works.
Hey, a point
is a point.
Don't worry about it.
I'll manage.
I'll work it out.
Why not now?
Christopher,
I'm going to train you.
Really?
What about the store?
Mom can handle it.
Deal?
All right,
but as part of the deal,
I don't want
to hear no complaining
from you or mom either.
I mean, you know,
nothing about the job,
you know,
still living at home,
where's his girlfriend,
none of that.
- Come on, man.
- No way.
All right,
all right, all right.
Swing it, baby.
Let me take you higher,
swing it.
I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Here we go.
Hey, here we go.
Let's move.
Here's a kid
who learned to swing.
Getting love
when trouble swings.
Got you in the mood,
I'm like red wine.
Swing, baby, swing,
'cause tonight you're mine.
Let me make your whole world
start to spin.
You're spending the night
with an African.
I'm on the good foot
as long as I can.
Swing, baby, swing,
let's swing, let's go.
Have fun,
We're done, done, done.
Now stop.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Let me teach you
how to swing.
Hey, I got
that good foot moving.
Just gotta love
the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop;
keep moving.
Come on,
teach me how to swing.
I got my body moving.
Just gotta love
the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop;
keep swinging.
Come on,
teach me how to swing.
I got
your body moving.
Just gotta love
the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop;
keep swinging.
Swing, baby, swing.
Oh, tell 'em.
I'm still not clear
on the reason you chose
Ping-Pong over basketball.
Wait, look, look, look.
I didn't choose Ping-Pong
over nothing, all right?
Okay, well, it just seems
like an odd decision.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Well, I mean,
we've been talking,
and it seems like you're
trying to buck the stereotype
of the Asian community,
yet Ping-Pong seems...
Wait, like, I can't get in touch
with my roots and stuff?
My family owns
a Ping-Pong store, you know?
I mean, what do you even know
about the Asian or the Chinese
experience anyway, man?
I mean, what's the last time
you even had Chinese food, man?
As a matter of fact,
I had some last night.
It was B.S. Chang's.
It was a delightful meal.
B.S. Chang's?
Dog, B.S. Chang's is about as
Chinese as Charlie Chan, man.
B.S. Chang's
ain't no real Chinese.
Charlie Chan
isn't Chinese?
Is that true?
You a dumb-ass mother,
you know that?
Man, I'm getting it in,
ain't I?
Sifu, do we have to drill again
after wind sprints?
Yo, I'm training
just like y'all, man.
Come on, little homies,
what's up?
- Ping-Pong's not fun anymore.
- Yeah.
Well, y'all ain't coming here
to have fun.
You're here to learn.
Well, I'm tired
of learning.
Can't we still, like,
play games or something?
Pull a little something.
This is how we does.
Follow step, step,
but you catch a buzz.
At the back of the pool,
we be jigging
till we nauseous.
Acting a dance fool
like no one's really watching.
Do that, do that,
do that, do that, do that.
Nine to five,
overdrive.
Do that, do that,
do that, do that, do it.
Dance.
Do that, do that,
do that, do it.
I know, man,
I know.
Come on, dog, man,
it's just...
Dog?
It's just an expression...
Come on,
I'll practice an extra hour now.
Okay, just serves, okay?
Dad!
You didn't
bring him back on...
Where's the bike?
Hit a fire hydrant?
Very funny.
You know, it did
make you look taller.
I went to the mall
after class.
Thanks, like he's not spoiled
enough at home already.
Later.
Hey, what happened
to Mr. Smack?
Just ain't in the mood.
Mmm.
Stressed out, huh?
Stuff with your brother,
right,
taking his place
in the tournament?
How you know about that?
My brother talks about you
all the time.
It's not like I'm even trying
to win this thing for myself.
I'm doing it
for my family, man.
Ain't doing it so I can get
no stupid parade
and ride around with
Miss Chinatown and.
God, I hate that
Miss Chinatown.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It just perpetuates the whole
idea of the exotic Asian women.
I mean, half the people
that go see Miss Chinatown
aren't even Chinese.
Yeah, I feel you on that.
I feel you.
You know, a lot of those girls
don't even speak Chinese.
Serious?
That's what
my whole dissertation is on,
the objectification and
exoticizing of Chinese women.
Oh, that's tight.
So you in college, then?
Grad school.
Asian-American studies.
Cool.
Anyway, I got to go make Felix
ingest some protein.
Thanks for bringing him back.
No worries.
Oh, are you going to
the tournament next weekend?
Um, dissertation.
But maybe I'll try to make...
stop by.
What?
Christopher.
Oh, hell no.
All right, look, man,
hey, I said
I was going to play
in the tournament,
but I didn't agree to wear
no damn Daisy Dukes.
Daisy what?
Man, why I got
to wear those?
This is standard
Ping-Pong clothes.
All competitors
wear these.
Man, Michael
didn't have to wear these.
Son of a.
It's Cheryl,
not Shee-lo,
Cheryl Davis,
regional administrator.
Regional administ...
You can just say
I'm the boss.
You understand boss,
right?
Boss?
Right?
You know,
"You're fired!"
Boss.
Hey, man,
make sure your sister
don't see me in these
tight-ass shorts, man.
And I don't mean like
tight-tight, you hear me?
Word.
Look.
That's tight, man.
My ninjas.
- Dog...
- Not one word.
What are you
doing here anyway?
You going to tell me
my Ping-Pong stinks?
Now, come on, man.
I came here
'cause I got your back.
Round one
will begin in five minutes.
Competitors, please report
to your tables.
All right, man,
let's do this thing.
Aw, yeah,
what's up?
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling
while I turn around.
I can't believe it.
One mother match,
and it's already over.
Prince Charles
is going to win.
Maybe I'll see you later?
What's that
supposed to mean, man?
Like you're trying
to kick me while I'm down?
Like you think that just
'cause you win one stupid game
that you're like my master
and commander or something?
No, no, that's not
what I meant.
You think that
just 'cause I'm Chinese
that I'm going to be a passive,
non-aggressive mother?
Hey, hold me back, man,
hold me back.
Please, I just meant that maybe
I'll see you later
in the elimination round, man.
Come again?
The first half of the day, man,
round robin, man,
round robin.
- You mean I'm still in?
- Yes.
Dog, why didn't you
just say so?
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
Whistling here,
whistling there.
Whistling
almost everywhere.
Whistling up,
whistling down.
Whistling while
I turn around.
First elimination
begins in ten minutes.
All scorers report
to officials' table.
You can't expect him
to change overnight, Ma.
The good thing is, he's finally
following through for once.
Hey, that was...
that was in, man.
Hey, it glanced off
the side of the table, man.
Did you see it
change angle, man?
Dude, it glanced
off the table, man.
Did you see it?
It changed angle, man.
Didn't you see it?
Give me that.
Come on, Chris.
Go back and change
the score, man.
That was a deuce.
We can play that again.
That's a deuce.
Hey, what are you doing, man?
What are you doing,
going back to your chair, man?
Ya!
Man, that last game
was bull, man.
That mother ref
is blind as a mother...
How would you know, man?
You don't even go
to any of my games, man.
Middle school, JV...
You're too old
to remember.
I'm talking
about Ping-Pong.
Man, what are you
ragging on me for, man?
I'm doing this
for you and Mom, man.
I don't even
want to be here.
Actually had
some lucky draws.
That last guy
was a...
You feel me?
That's tight.
I like that.
It's very nice.
We're coming correct,
you got to be hectic.
The people are jumping 'cause
they're feeling electric.
But give me a second
to reject the strike.
Respect the rock beat, people,
I'm the psycho.
Zap the bottle,
twist the cap,
tip the bottle back,
and relax,
as you get whack,
it's just a fact.
Nobody does it
better than us,
and we get so stupid
that we got
to ride the short bus.
Who rock the party?
We rock the party.
Never gonna,
never gonna give up now.
Uh!
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Take that one
back to your master.
Ah!
Booyah!
You're next!
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
I got it going on.
A- give me what you got.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
'Cause tonight
the party don't stop.
Who wants to party?
We want to party.
Never gonna,
never gonna...
You got this.
These goddamn shorts, man.
Sifu.
What's up, little Gs?
Where you been at?
I've taken the liberty
of outfitting
the shoes you threw away.
I've modified them to include
a hybrid rubber molding
on the side
as well as helium pockets
designed specifically to enhance
your jump-smashing style
of play.
P.B. Rizzle,
my own shoes.
My own nickname.
I mean, can I wear
these, though?
I mean, is it,
like, regulation shoes?
Regulation?
You know, like
the shorts and stuff.
According to the American
Table Tennis Federation,
there is no standard uniform.
Are you kidding me?
You mean all these fools
wear this by choice?
Son of a...
Christopher Wang,
please report for
the championships presentation.
Christopher Wang.
Hey!
I got this.
I got this, man.
I was listening
to you, man.
No matter what happens,
Ping-Pong is like life.
It's not the quick sprint
that matters.
It's...
Just kick his ass.
Booyah.
Booyah.
I got this feeling, man.
I got it,
I got it.
You'll never understand.
You know, uh,
you know, uh,
you know the place to be...
on top, on top,
right next to Booker T.
Let's play,
ha-ha.
Welcome, everyone,
to the championship match
of the Golden Cock
Ping-Pong Championship.
You know,
people ask me,
"Cheryl, how does a girl from
Iowa end up directing an event
sponsored by
the Chinese Community Center?"
And I just say to them,
"Me love a-Ping-Pong
long time. "
So our first competitor,
representing
the new Harcourt International
Institute of Table Tennis
of West Covina,
Gerald Harcourt.
And his challenger,
challenging for the title,
representing
Ping-Pong Palace,
Christopher Wang.
Excuse me.
Christopher "C-Dub" Wang.
Three games
for the match.
The first to 11 wins.
Good luck,
gentlemen.
Christopher Wang to serve.
Oh.
C- Dub, come on, you can do
better than that, baby.
Downtown to Chinatown, uh!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you get a point?
So fast, you missed it.
Son of a...
Game one
to Gerald Harcourt.
Harcourt leads
one to zero.
Gerald Harcourt to serve.
Ha-ha, who wants to play
some whack-a-fool?
That all you got,
weak nut?
Ah!
Like that?
Yeah, baby.
Make some noise,
make noise.
Aw, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Where my peoples at?
P.B. Rizzle!
No mercy.
That's my son.
He also plays piano.
Rachmaninoff, no problem.
Better bow down
to the new master.
Ah!
Make some noise,
make noise.
Go.
Thing of beauty.
So pretty.
That's all you, baby.
Game point, Wang.
What time is it?
Game time!
Game 2
to Christopher Wang.
Game tied
1 to 1.
Lost your collar, dog?
If you're
looking for your owner,
he's standing right here.
Tom, what do you do
with a dog
that barks too much?
P- T-S.
Oh, that's right, you're
putting everyone to sleep.
It's his best weapon,
you know.
Chinese chatter torture.
Christopher Wang
to serve.
I hope you're hungry,
'cause I'm getting ready
to serve you
some Chinese take-out.
Oh, who's smoking the opium now,
Sir Chokes-a-Lot?
Stuff that in your knickers,
blue boy.
Miss Davis, many, many rules
have been flaunted
during this match:
The showboating,
the profanity.
But this
I simply cannot let slide.
Under section 4-F
of the ATTF rulebook,
it clearly states
that unsportsmanlike conduct
may be defined as.:
"Baiting, tounting"...
Taunting.
There's a U.
"Baiting, taunting,
or any other act
"designed to embarrass,
ridicule, or demean others
on the basis of race, gender,
or national origin. "
You got to be kidding me.
Furthermore, it states
that players who exhibit
unsportsmanlike conduct
may face ejection.
Hold up,
you calling me a racist?
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
I will not be a pawn
in this forum
with these attacks
on my national heritage.
Dude, you're from,
like, Encino.
I demand his ejection.
Looking for
the easy way out, huh?
You're one to talk.
Someone get a cup
of shut-up juice
for this mama-jama.
Mr. Wang,
please do not speak Chinese.
The official language
of the ATTF is American.
The committee
will discuss this.
Please step away.
The committee has ruled
on Mr. Wang's violation
of ATTF section 4.
Because this is
a first infraction,
Mr. Wang
will not be ejected.
However, he will be required
to refrain
from all verbal ejaculations
for the remainder
of the tournament.
Verbal what?
What it means, old chum, is,
you can't talk.
Hold up, you know, I got
a right to free speech,
especially when the subject
of that speech
is a student-poaching,
female-harassing,
SPF-50-wearing,
Grey-Poupon-smearing mother...
Sir, you are one word away
from disqualification.
One.
Was th...
Was there something you...
He can't talk.
Back on my feet.
My game is,
my aim is
to get those
that's painless, not brainless.
Say something mean.
I know you want
to lash out.
Another reason I know
that I got to get out.
It's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need
to be friends.
So once you get to know me.
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
Yes, it's...
We don't need
to be friends.
Lights out.
So why don't you
get to walking?
It's on now.
You know,
you're really unbelievable.
I mean,
you cheating me
in things,
but I wasn't going to say
nothing about this.
Serve the ball.
You guys are being crazy.
Yes, this is the end.
Lights out.
We don't need
to be friends.
So why don't you
get to walking?
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need
to be friends.
So why don't you
get to walking?
It's over now, uh.
Injury time-out,
five minutes,
pending medical review.
Shake it off, C-Dub.
You know,
he wouldn't have fallen
if his footwork was just
a little bit neater.
He was airborne.
I don't think footwork
was the issue.
You'd be surprised.
You're the brother,
aren't you?
That's me.
Do you play?
No.
Would you like to learn?
Why does every guy I meet
want to teach me Ping-Pong?
I hate to break it to you,
but it's not exactly
a chick-magnet sport.
Well, it's like that in America,
but you know what?
In China, they would treat me
like Michael Jordan.
Excuse me.
What happened
to the posse?
I'm too nervous.
I feel like
I want to throw up.
Suck it up.
C- Dub's out there
sweating and bleeding.
Worse,
he can't talk,
and you guys sit here
like the see-no-evil monkeys?
Perhaps you could suggest
some cheers?
Do I look like
a cheerleader to you?
Boys, let's show them
what you got.
Mr. Wang is cleared for play.
The final game
will resume.
Harcourt leads
9 to 6.
Yes.
The score is tied.
Champion must win
by 2 points.
Match point, Wang.
Harcourt to serve.
Ah!
Uh!
Ah.
Ah!
Game and match
to Christopher Wang.
He was fantastic,
absolutely fantastic.
That's my son.
Ah!
Gerald, they're going
to make you pay for that.
You want some tea?
I got the thermos open.
Yeah!
Edward, you're late.
We need a partner
for Mrs. Lu.
Grab a paddle.
Oh, you did that.
Dad, hit it like this.
Tell your dad the
manufacturing deal's locked up.
All I need from you is to get
those specs for those shoes.
First thing tomorrow.
Word.
Yo, yo.
What's up, homey?
How's it feel to be
off the leash, man?
Oh, it's all good, playa.
When you got a big dog
like Rabakar's dad in the yard,
ain't no need to be sweating.
Hey, heard that.
Hey, do you want to play
some basketball later?
We haven't played
in forever.
Sorry, dog.
I have to give my moms
a ride home.
But I'll hit you up in the
neighborhood later, all right?
All right.
As long as
your sister's home.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, Ma.
One last lesson.
Always watch your back!
How you doing?
Splat!
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
Don't put the box away;
I'm about to have me some more.
Sitting at the table
throwing fits at my mother.
Want my own box.
I don't want to split
with my brother.
The one thing I hated
to admit, he discovered.
Certain cereals will make
the milk different colors.
If you took away my cereal,
you heard screams.
I like Kaboom! 'cause it
always made my poo turn green.
I make a scene
in the store
and start
to act disobedient
if sugar didn't come first
in the ingredients.
Make my mom buy me some,
no matter what it costed.
The best ones started
with the same word, "frosted. "
'Cause if it ain't sugary,
it ain't no good.
I hate
health food cereals.
They taste like wood.
I like, I like,
I like cereal.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm the champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
I'm rated number one
at the top of the game.
Hey, the dynasty's begun.
Ain't no stopping
this reign.
Better recognize the face,
start jocking the name.
With my whole line of shoes,
watch 'em
walkin' the Js.
Oh, I'm something special,
one of a kind.
Got my big bowl of Wheaties.
I was born to fly
Yes, I'm extra lifted,
extra gifted.
I'm going down in history
frozen in time.
Got trophies
by the dozens
and medals to count.
And I'm on your television show
and off my house.
Everybody wants to see me.
I'm the talk of the town.
Just the life
of a champ.
Take a look
at me now.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
I feel great
in the morning
when I wake up.
I'm a man on a mission
with no makeup.
I got lots to do today,
like find the right girl,
get my oil changed,
and take over the world.
See, everything you do,
I bet I could do it better.
If you climb a hill,
I'll climb the Staples Center.
If you say "what,"
then I'ma say "whatever. "
And if you
got the cheese,
then I'ma bring it better.
See, I don't even stop
at a stop sign.
With a off rhyme,
I can still sound dope on time.
I can sound proper.
I can sound unsigned.
Don't step to your man.
He's a land mine.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
Too short to be a baller, nope,
let alone a starter.
Warming up the bench,
I got it hotter
than a sauna.
Never getting called 'cause
I was skinny like my mama.
Couldn't land a chick
because my daddy sang opera.
Had a lot of time to think
stuffed inside my locker.
Penny for my thoughts,
then I'd have
a million dollars.
Didn't like to read,
so I couldn't be a scholar.
Didn't like the coppers.
Think a little harder.
Put it all together,
and what did I see?
What?
What could I be?
I could be an MC.
I ain't making money trees.
I'm just planting
my seeds.
But I'm doing what I feel,
and that's
a winner to me.
I eat my Wheaties
for breakfast.
No one can mess with
the champ.
I'm a champ.
Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you
for dinner.
I'm a champ.
I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes
that I see on TV.
I'm a champ,
Mama said.
I'm a champ,
Papa said.
I'm a champ,
you'll see.
I'm a champ,
goddamn.
Hi, I'm Gerald Harcourt
of the Harcourt Institute
of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
And, um, we're here to make
learning table tennis a smash.
We've got four hands
to perfect your forehands.
And you'll come back
to learn the backhand.
Table tennis:
Truly a sport of kings
and queens.
I lob it.
Harcourt Institute
of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
You'll all lob it too.
That's a...
I think that was a good one.
I liked it.
That was good.