Pink Panther, The (2006) Movie Script

Yes, well, the first time
I ever heard that name...
...Clouseau was just a little nobody.
A police officer in some little village
far outside of Paris.
He was the village idiot
as far as I could tell.
Idiot, pull up.
Monsieur Dumont, you must
move your vehicle immediately.
I am so sorry, Officer Clouseau.
My chair, it won't move.
Here's your problem.
Your battery cable has come undone.
Let me help.
Let's see.
The positive to the negative.
The negative to the positive. There.
All right, you are ready to go.
All clear, keep it moving.
As chief inspector
of the Police Nationale...
...I hear many stories
of our officers in the field.
Clouseau generated many...
...many stories.
You are under arrest
for the murder of Pierre Fuquet.
You are under arrest
for the murder of Pierre Fuquet.
You are under arrest
for the murder of Pierre Fuquet.
Pierre Fuquet?
The case is closed.
Needless to say...
... Clouseau did not qualify
for any advancement whatsoever.
I never thought for a moment
I would have any use for him...
...until that fateful day.
It was a perfect day for a murder.
France against China, with the winner
advancing to the finals.
I had been invited, as chief inspector
of the Police Nationale.
And because of my recent nomination
for the Medal of Honor.
I have been nominated seven times.
I have never won.
But still, seven nominations...
...that's something.
Anyway, the coach of
the French team, Yves Gluant...
... came out
for his customary ovation.
He raised his fist to the crowd.
On it:
The Pink Panther diamond.
It was quite the symbol of pride
and victory for the French team.
Gluant's girlfriend at that time...
... was Xania,
the international pop star.
They had been having
quite a stormy affair.
By the end of regulation time
the score was tied...
... and the game
went into sudden death.
For a patriotic Frenchman
and a true fan like myself...
... it was almost
too thrilling to believe.
And then...
... the miracle.
Yes! Yeah!
And then, in front of a stadium
filled with people...
... Gluant collapsed...
... dead.
A poison dart in his neck.
And the Pink Panther diamond...
... had disappeared.
The newspapers fed on
Gluant's murder with a frenzy.
For them, the world had stopped.
For me...
... it was an opportunity
for my greatest triumph.
I know what we need
for the Gluant case.
- What?
- An incompetent.
An unimaginative, by-the-book,
low-level incompetent...
...who will plod along,
getting nowhere...
...with the media
watching his every step.
And while he is getting nowhere...
...I will put together the finest team
of investigators in France...
...and we will hunt down the killer,
retrieve the Pink Panther diamond...
...and then the Medal of Honor
will be mine.
And who is this incompetent?
Oh, I think I know
the perfect man for the job.
Find him and bring him to Paris.
His name is Clouseau.
Good morning, mademoiselle.
I'll be right with you.
The minister of justice sent around
a new picture of himself...
...but it was bigger than
Chief Inspector Dreyfus' picture.
So the chief inspector
had a larger one made.
You'll find that Paris
can be a very political place.
Yes, politics. Where greed
wears the mask of morality.
That's good. Did you say that?
Yes, I did.
- Could you help me down?
- Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, yes. Here, just... Perhaps...
- Yes, l...
- All right.
- Wait.
- Yeah.
Don't jump. Yes, that's good.
All right.
I think if you put
your leg right there...
- Okay.
- Yes. Okay.
- I can't see anything.
- Maybe over here?
- Yes, okay.
- Okay.
Over here.
The inspector will see you now.
He'll be right with you.
- Clouseau.
- He's coming in.
Officer Jacques Clouseau,
gendarme, third class.
- That had to hurt.
- No. No, not at all. No.
Clouseau, the reason
we called you here...
It is lovely weather we are having.
I hope the weather continues.
The area is secure.
Oh, thank you.
Clouseau, I have reviewed
your records, and it is clear to me...
...that a man of your talent
merits greater responsibility...
...than you have had
up to this point.
I have decided to promote you
to inspector...
...the highest rank of any officer
in the republic.
- Inspector?
- Exactly.
And your first case
is the Gluant murder...
...and theft of
the Pink Panther diamond.
- I am honored.
- Good.
Jacques Clouseau,
by the power vested in me...
...I hereby appoint you
full inspector...
...with all of the...
Here, if you would be so kind,
Oh, here, take my pen.
Thank you.
One does not often see
the traditional French fountain pen.
I will cherish this forever.
No. It is not a gift.
That was given to me
by the mayor of Paris.
Well, then...
...I cannot accept this.
The press conference.
Yes. Clouseau, there is
a press conference... just a few minutes
down the hall... introduce you to the media.
We'll meet you there.
And, Clouseau?
Good luck.
Good luck to you.
And where is the press conference?
Go under the arch...
...through the door on the right
and down the hall.
The area is still secure.
Thank you.
He's perfect.
Yes, we have definitely
found our man.
Why do I feel wet?
Because of the unique nature
of the crime...
...we have brought in a man
specially suited to the case:
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
- Yes?
- Yes, what's your initial premise?
That Gluant did not
want to be killed.
Everything else follows
like liquid mercury...
...flowing down a... A...
A sloping thing.
How long do you think
it will take to find the killer?
Right now the killer is being
surrounded by a web of deduction...
...forensic science
and the latest in technology...
...such as two-way radios
and e-mail.
Assign a man to be his driver who can
report on his whereabouts at all times.
What kind of man?
A man who follows orders
and doesn't ask questions.
Inspector, do you know if the killer
was a man or a woman?
Well, of course I know that.
What else is there? A kitten?
Excuse me,
do you think it's possible...
...that the killer could be
watching you now?
Well, if I was a killer,
I would certainly be watching...
...and possibly taping
for later playback...
...because, you know, it's a big deal
to be talked about on TV.
But I have a message for the killer:
There is no place you can hide.
There is no place
you cannot be seen.
Killer, I will find you...
... because I am
a servant of the nation.
Because justice is justice...
... and because France is France.
- Bonjour, Nicole.
- Good morning, inspector.
Welcome to your new office.
You should probably start
by going through these files.
It is lovely weather we are having.
I hope the weather...
...stays this mild.
If the weather continues...
...we are in for a lovely summer.
The area is secure.
- Are you all right?
- Well, of course I'm all right.
And what is that?
- What?
- Nothing.
You should probably start
by looking at these files. You have to...
My leg, it crushed my leg!
Being an inspector,
you'll need some new clothes.
I can take your measurements
and have something sent over.
- Of course.
- Please remove your jacket.
- Do you live by yourself, inspector?
- Yes, I do.
Do you get lonely?
No, not really.
Not since the Internet.
Well, that takes care of that.
And welcome to Paris.
Thank you.
Good morning, monsieur.
And you are?
Gilbert Ponton.
Detective, second class.
I've been assigned to work with you.
What qualifications do you have
for police work?
My family's done police work
in Paris for nine generations.
- And before that?
- We were policemen for 200 years.
- And before that?
- Immigrants from countries in Europe.
- All involved in police work.
- And before that?
So you are a little lamb who has
come to Clouseau for to learn.
Gilbert Ponton, I vow to teach you
everything I know about police work.
And together...
...we are going to catch a killer.
The Chinese VIP box,
right on the edge of the kill zone.
The poison was Chinese.
Was Gluant ever in China?
Three years ago, he took a group
of French stars there...
...for some exhibition games.
Gluant was in China...
...the poison is from China...
...the Chinese are from China.
It may be too early to say for certain,
but I think our killer is Chinese.
Corbeille, I want you
on the next flight to Beijing.
Find out what Gluant did there,
who he saw, where he went.
Pacquette, I want a dossier
on every Chinaman in that box.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Inspector, it's awfully late and...
Oh, I'm just going over
these crime-scene photos.
- Don't you need some rest?
- Crime does not rest, Nicole.
It's true.
You see...
...I have waited a long time
to prove myself.
And I've been given
the opportunity of a lifetime.
And I intend to show the world
exactly who I am...
...and what I can do.
I must not fail.
You won't. I know it.
Thank you, Nicole.
- Nicole?
- Yes?
May I be very frank with you?
Of course.
You have put on a ton of weight.
Now, what I do
when I get a little heavy...
Never mind.
Would you like me to stay behind
and help you?
That is a generous offer, Nicole...
...but I am quite sensitive
to office gender politics.
And in today's world,
the slightest gesture...
...can be misinterpreted
as harassment.
And it is late, and I would prefer
not to put you or me...
...into that delicate situation.
Yes, I agree.
Well, let's seal it with a kiss.
And I'll get back to work.
I am going to be frank.
Since you are only a detective,
second class...
...your senses may not be as sharp
as my own.
And as I do not want a partner
who makes me duller...
...I have come up with a plan
to keep you as sharp as possible.
And what is that?
Intermittently, and without warning,
I will attack you...
...whenever and wherever
it is least expected.
In this way, I will keep you
vigilant and alert. Agreed?
- Good one.
- Thank you.
Here we are.
"Do not open door
when light is flashing."
Excuse me.
Coming through. Thank you.
And I'm wondering if you... Yes.
I'm wondering if you saw, perhaps,
a person yelling.
Stop! Stop, stop!
Who are you,
and what the hell are you doing?
- I'm in the middle of an interrogation.
- The booth is soundproof.
She can't hear a word.
And in case you haven't noticed... ruined my recording session.
Now, get out.
Unless you want to be charged
with obstruction of justice... will let me interrogate Xania.
It's all right, Roland.
Hello, inspector.
I'm Xania.
You do not know this, but I am
intimately familiar with your work.
You are very kind.
Did you say that booth
was soundproof?
Now, you were nearby
when Gluant was killed?
Yes, I ran out to be with him
after the team won.
Of course you did.
Now, a few hours
before the murder...
...six witnesses saw you repeatedly
striking the deceased and screaming...
What was it, Ponton?
"I am going to kill you.
I am going to kill you."
I was angry.
I caught him with another woman.
And this was after
he said he loved me.
You poor little angel waif.
After he cheated on me...
...I hated him.
- But I didn't kill him.
- Of course you didn't.
- You recently performed in China...
- Stop browbeating her!
Can't you see she's sexy?
Three months ago in Shanghai.
Can you think of anyone else
who might have hated Gluant?
- Bizu.
- The football star?
I was dating Bizu when I met Gluant.
He thought Gluant was a bad guy
for stealing me away.
- Lf you ask me, they were both...
- You, don't leave town.
But I'm flying to Montserrat
to record Rene Duchanel...
You will not leave town. I may want
to ask you a few more questions.
But I don't know anything.
About life, about love.
Yes, you little wet puppy.
But about the crime
you may know a lot.
Do I have to stay in town?
Because next week
I have something...
...vague to do in New York.
Well, if you absolutely have
to do something vague...
...feel free to go where you wish.
I can't take you to Bizu, but I can
take you to Monsieur Vainqueur...
...the team's assistant coach.
Well, I guess he's
the head coach now.
- You wanted to see me?
- You are Vainqueur?
Yes. And who are you?
I am Inspector Clouseau.
Perhaps you have heard of me.
Don't write that down.
- What do you want?
- I am told that Bizu hated Gluant.
A lot of people hated Gluant.
Did you?
I spent six years under his thumb
being verbally abused every day.
Yes, I was not a fan
of Yves Gluant.
And now he is dead...
...and you have his job.
Not every death is a tragedy.
- And what was the...?
- Footsteps.
It's a young woman...
...30 to 35 years old...
...5'2", 5'4", brunette.
And she is wearing high heels.
Perhaps a bit too formal
for the afternoon.
And she has on...
...Chanel N5.
- Is anyone with you?
- No.
Do you have a pair of high heels
in that bag?
- No.
- Not even a small pair of pumps?
- No.
- Who are you?
I am Yuri, the trainer.
And what is it you do here,
Yuri the trainer?
I train.
So you are Yuri the trainer
who trains.
Do not leave Europe.
But I have to go to Asia.
Do not leave Europe or Asia.
We have one match in Brazil.
All right.
Do not leave Europe, Asia
or the Americas.
- Okay.
- Where is this famous soccer player?
He is outside on the practice field.
Well, we shall see about Mr. Bizu.
I've got Bizu
in the interrogation room.
What's the plan?
I'm going to give him the
good-coplbad-cop routine.
You are the soccer player
known as Bizu?
- Yes.
- You were acquainted with Gluant?
- I'm glad he's pushing up daisies.
- He is not pushing up daisies.
He is dead.
It's an idiom.
You, sir, are the idiom.
Now, unless you want to spend
the rest of your life in prison... will answer the next question.
Did you kill him?
I would have loved
to have killed him.
But some lucky bastard
beat me to it.
You disgust me.
I'll be right back.
Good for you.
...I know you didn't do it.
Someone else did,
and they are trying to set you up.
You'll help me?
Of course I'll help you.
Now, do you have any idea who
might have done this terrible thing?
His partner in those
stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Raymond Larocque,
the casino owner.
Gluant would steal money from
the restaurants and use it to gamble.
My guess is Larocque got fed up...
...and had him killed.
Bizu, I like you.
I'm going to help you.
You and I are going to make
a great team.
The good-coplbad-cop routine
is working perfectly.
You know, usually
two different cops do that.
You know what we do to prisoners
who don't cooperate?
We hook them up to the box.
What is the box?
Idiot. Like this,
I take one electrode...
...I put it here.
I take the other one...
...I put it...
So, what do you think?
Bizu is innocent.
How can you say that?
Gluant suspended Bizu.
He stole his girlfriend.
If it were me, I would have killed him
then and there.
That's exactly what Bizu did.
...a crime is like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have to have the jig
and you have to have the saw.
You have the jig, but no saw.
Where is your saw?
"Oh, Your Honor, I want to present
a case, but all I have is a jig.
Is that okay?"
I thought you said:
Oh, it's you.
I hope you don't mind I let
myself in with the spare key.
- Oh, no, no.
- And, look.
I got your pants back from the tailor.
- Plus a spare.
- Good.
- Would you like some water?
- Yes, please.
You know, Nicole, this crime
is forcing me to use all my knowledge.
Everything I have learned in a lifetime
of investigating is coming into play.
Do you mind if I have these?
I haven't eaten.
Oh, please, go ahead.
Things are appearing in my mind
that I did not even realize was there.
And yet the in...
Oh, my God. The Heimlich!
The Heimlich!
Are you feeling better?
Yes, thank you.
You are so good at it.
Where did you learn that?
I used to practice on mannequins,
...but frankly, it was the expression
on your face...
...that told me that you needed it.
Now, Ponton, what do you
have for me?
It seems you were right about Bizu.
He was just found dead... the training facility locker room.
- Shot in the head.
- Was it fatal?
- Yes.
- How fatal?
I want to talk to him now.
He's dead.
You there. Halt.
You are Yuri the trainer
who trains.
Yeah, that's right.
I am looking for a dead body.
Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Oh, yeah. I heard it was
in the locker room.
You go down the hall,
make a right and two lefts.
You are finding
something amusing here?
I'll be honest with you. L...
I find your accent quite funny.
- Where are you from?
- From Russia.
Gluant recruited me
from the Russian military gym.
You need to work on your accent.
- What?
- What?
- What? What?
- What?
- What?
- I don't have time for this.
I have to solve a murder.
Please, tell me what you saw.
Well, I didn't see anything.
I was passing by the locker room.
It was late, past time
anyone should be there.
I heard movement on the other side
of the locker-room door.
I heard Bizu say:
"Oh, it's you."
And then there was gunfire.
Ponton, go to your databases.
I want to interrogate every person
in Paris with the name "You."
And, Ponton...
...don't you find it
a bit of a coincidence...
...that the body fell perfectly
within the chalk outline on the floor?
I think they drew
the chalk outline later.
We are dealing
with some kind of mastermind.
Ponton, I want to interrogate
this man Raymond Larocque.
Where is his casino?
Park it close by. Unless you want
to know what else is good for you.
You continue to surprise me,
Get used to it, Ponton. With me,
surprises are rarely unexpected.
Yes, the weather is nice today.
Let's hope it continues.
Ponton, go find security.
Tell them I want to converse
with Mr. Raymond Larocque.
- You're not coming?
- Something has come up.
If the weather stays this mild,
we are all in for a treat.
- Place your bets.
- I am in law enforcement too.
Am I that obvious?
No, it's just that I have an ear
for such things.
Here is your mojito.
- Flame it.
- No more bets.
I will remember that.
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
I am here on a very important case.
Boswell. Nigel Boswell.
Agent 006.
- Know what that means?
- Of course I do.
You are one short of the big time.
I, too, am on a very important case,
So you understand
what I mean when I say... one must know that I am here.
I have just slipped my
cell-phone number into your pocket.
Call me if you need any help.
I will, inspector.
...Monet. Very impressive,
Monsieur Larocque.
Very impressive,
Inspector Clouseau.
Please make yourself at home.
Now, how can I help you?
I am investigating the murder
of Yves Gluant.
Fascinating man.
Would you happen to know
what he paid for the Pink Panther?
He inherited it.
It cost him nothing.
It cost him his life.
I would like to take a closer look
at your bowls.
- My what?
- Your bowls.
I would like to take a closer look... your big brass bowls.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Han Dynasty.
- Very rare. Beautiful.
- I see you have an eye for antiques.
Some here are real
and some are copies.
I'm sure you can tell
which are which.
Second century. Very rare.
One should always handle
an antique vase from the inside.
Otherwise the oil from the hands
can damage the patina.
Pure alabaster.
That's odd. What I did,
I went like this, and then...
This is weird.
Why did you take out
a life-insurance policy on Gluant?
The insurance company won't pay
unless the murderer is caught.
And if it turns out to be me...
...they won't pay at all.
Do you understand?
But you stood to gain
from Gluant's death, didn't you?
Gain? What would I gain?
Gluant's share of the restaurants.
Oh, the restaurants
were a disaster.
Gluant was siphoning money out
faster than it came in.
My only consolation was he'd lose
the money gambling in my casino.
But after a while his losses
became so ridiculous...
...he promised me his ring
as collateral.
But someone had words
with Gluant...
...the night before he was killed.
- Didn't you?
- No.
You didn't threaten to break his legs
and then crush him into powder?
Perhaps I saw that on TV.
Well, I can certainly think
of a better place for this.
That's my personalized
cell-phone tone ring.
Yes, this is Inspector...
Yes, I could meet you.
In the restaurant?
Yes, of course. Right away.
Gentlemen, something has come up.
Please excuse me.
- Monsieur Larocque.
- Yes.
Is this vase of great value?
It is a worthless imitation.
But that desk was...
- Clouseau.
- Oh, yes.
I need your help. Now, it's very
important that you remain calm...
...and you do not turn around.
- Remain calm. Do not turn around.
Behind you in the casino
are the Gas Mask Bandits.
Oh, my God!
The Gas Mask Bandits!
- All Europe is looking for them.
- How can I help?
- Just give me your coat.
- Yes, of course. Why?
I'm not supposed to be here.
But I can't let
the Gas Mask Bandits escape.
- Put it on.
- Yes. Yes, of course. But why?
I'm not supposed to be here,
My God, man, that was fantastic.
Inspector, was Clouseau's plan to set
a trap for the Gas Mask Bandits?
Does Clouseau think the Bandits
are connected to the Pink Panther?
Is Clouseau
going to be promoted, sir?
I cannot comment
on ongoing investigations.
Good one.
Thank you.
Now, what do you have for me?
We have rounded up
all the people in Paris...
...with the name "You."
- Finally, we are getting somewhere.
Read that back.
You may go.
You speak Chinese?
What, you don't think
I speak Chinese?
If I don't speak Chinese,
what are we doing here?
That must be funny
around the water cooler.
"Oh, Inspector Clouseau
does not speak Chinese.
Let's take him out for lunch.
We will all speak Chinese.
He won't know
what we are talking about."
Is that what you like to do?
Is that funny?
Of course I speak Chinese.
Bonjour, Nicole.
Could I see you in my office
in a few minutes?
I'll be right with you, inspector.
Yes, inspector?
The weather has been so pleasant.
I was wondering if you think
it's going to stay this mild.
I certainly hope so.
But do you think the weather... going to change?
Let's keep our fingers crossed...
...that it stays this mild.
And here's another one for you!
Now let's see who you are.
It is "Inspector Dreyfus."
The intruder is obviously wearing
a flesh mask.
But that will come off.
My face!
Maybe there is a seam
under your hairline.
I'll just turn you around.
Are you feeling any better?
I am so sorry, inspector.
Let's just forget it.
I thought I would stop by and let you
know how we are doing on the case.
Oh, I'll just...
...stay back here.
- Yes, of course.
I see you have one
of these collapsible pointers.
So very useful.
It is so degrading to have to point
with your finger...
...or one of those
long wooden sticks... you are some sort
of primitive oaf.
But you have one of these, you just
snap it open and you are ready to go.
The case. The case, Clouseau.
Yes, the case.
The case is going quite well.
I have prepared a list of suspects.
And how many suspects
do you have?
Twenty-seven thousand
six hundred eighty-three.
It's just a matter of time now,
isn't it?
- Have you eliminated any suspects?
- Yes.
One. And who would that be?
Gluant is the victim.
Excellent, inspector.
We think alike.
One clue leading inexorably
to the next.
Just leave it.
I assure you, inspector...
...I will soon have your criminal
cornered like a...
Like a... Like... Like a... Like...
Like something...
Something that you... You corner.
- Well put.
- I see you enjoy wordplay.
We will have to have lunch
one day...
...and engage
in a little verbal jousting.
I'm sure you're quite the raconteur.
So I will call you for lunch.
There's only one item
on the agenda of this committee:
To approve the list of nominees
for our nation's highest award...
...the Medal of Honor.
The two nominees are...
...Charles Dreyfus...
...and Sister Marie-Hugette...
...whose selfless concern
for our nation's orphans... an inspiration to us all.
I would like to add one more name
for the committee's consideration.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the man
who came here from a small village... investigate the murder
of Yves Gluant...
...who just last night captured
the notorious Gas Mask Bandits.
Yes. Interesting idea.
- An average Frenchman.
- Exactly.
Excellent idea.
All in favor?
How is it I was not informed
of Clouseau's going to that casino?
- It was the middle of the night.
- Oh, it was the middle of the night.
What, you did not want to wake me?
I want to know
of Clouseau's whereabouts...
...every hour, 24 hours a day.
You miss one call, and I will have
you kicked off the force.
- Do you understand?
- Yes, sir.
Why are you not with him now?
- I'm here.
- Get out.
- Clouseau.
- Ponton.
Let's call it a day. I am tired.
I just wanted to see where you are
with the investigation.
Good idea, Ponton.
To let the subconscious mind... on the case while we sleep.
Now then, what are the facts?
Yves Gluant was found... the international championship
...with a poison dart in his neck.
- The crime!
Bizu wanted to kill him,
but is now himself dead.
A complication!
Gluant was siphoning off money...
...from Larocque.
- A motive!
And close to the body
was the singer, Xania.
Xania is not the killer.
But I suspect she knows more
than she is telling me.
- Where is she now?
- She left suddenly for New York.
We are going to have to follow her
and find out what she is up to.
And if I am going to America...
...I am going to have to speak
with a flawless American accent... as not to arouse suspicion.
So find me the greatest
accent coach in the world.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy...
...a hamburger.
No, no, no. Let's break it down.
- I.
- I.
- Would.
- Would.
- Would.
- Would.
- Would.
- Weird.
- Like.
- Like.
- Like.
- Like.
- To.
- To.
- To.
- To.
- Buy.
- Buy.
- Buy.
- Bee.
- Buy.
- Bye-bye.
- A.
- A.
- Hamburger.
- Hamburger.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy a damburger.
It's not "damburger." Hamburger.
I'm not saying "damburger." I said,
"I would like to buy a damburger."
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy the hamburger.
- Hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger!
- Maybe we should stop.
- We don't quit.
We do not quit. Again! Again!
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger!
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy hamburger!
I would like to buy a hamburger.
- Have you ever had a hamburger?
- Well, of course not.
It's a disgusting American food.
I never see you with women.
I'm married.
You don't wear a ring.
To protect her.
I'm afraid some villain
might threaten her.
Tell me about her.
I consider her the most
beautiful woman in the world.
What about yourself?
No, I don't consider myself
a beautiful woman.
I mean, is there a woman
in your life?
Oh, no.
Love has not yet come my way.
How could Inspector Clouseau
be with a simple woman?
She would have to be
so extraordinary in order to keep up.
It's hard.
- What is?
- For you to meet someone.
Oh, yes.
We have a big day tomorrow.
We will go to Xania's hotel
and find out what she is up to.
- Good night, Ponton.
- Good night, Clouseau.
- Good one.
- Thank you.
I got her hotel phone records.
Xania made two phone calls... a notorious
black-market diamond cutter.
There she is! Newspapers!
Floor 12.
I smell something fishy.
May I help you?
Good teamwork.
Stop! Stop whatever it is
you are doing! You are defenseless!
We have already taken care
of your thugs patrolling the building.
I don't have any thugs.
You don't?
Ponton, I think we owe
those men an apology.
And what is it you are cutting?
Pink diamond. Clear.
- Clear?
- It's not the Pink Panther.
And what are you doing here
sneaking around?
This purse once belonged
to Josephine Baker.
It was falling apart, so
I had it studded with diamonds... wear on-stage
at the Presidential Ball.
Well, why did you just not tell me
why you were coming?
I can't be seen at a diamond cutter.
Not after what happened.
That may be one
of your mysterious clients now.
Yes, I am the person
in charge of the phone bill.
Well, I'm somewhat happy
with my service.
Twelve months
with that many minutes?
Plus free minutes per month?
Yes, sign me up.
Yes, Jacques Clouseau... card number:
Yes? Yes, you may have
my e-mail address.
Well, I think I just got myself
a pretty good deal.
- When are you leaving the city?
- I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah.
I may have to seduce her, Ponton,
in order to get her to talk.
- Part of the job.
- Talk about what?
I want to find out what time
her plane is leaving in the morning.
- Why not just ask her?
- Too obvious.
I may have to pump her
for information.
- I see.
- Inspector...
...would you like to join me
for dinner at the Waldorf?
Certainly, mademoiselle.
Say, 8:00?
Eight o'clock.
Say, I don't know,
my room on the second floor?
"I don't know,
my room on the second floor."
I'll see you then.
It might be a trap.
Who cares?
Welcome to my room, inspector.
It is lovely weather we are having.
Oh, yes, baby. Oh, yes.
Why what?
Why were you being
so elusive today?
I was afraid of Larocque.
- He might be following me.
- Larocque? The casino owner?
He sent out word
threatening to kill anyone... possession
of the Pink Panther.
He believes it belongs to him.
But why would he follow you?
I was in New York
to see a diamond cutter.
He might draw
the wrong conclusion.
You know...
...a man sitting here
in your private suite... close to you...
...might draw
the wrong conclusion too.
Or the right one.
I've heard things
about you, inspector.
What sort of things?
That you really know
how to treat a woman.
Yes. Yes.
Let the games begin.
Let me just slip away.
No! No, no! No, no!
My miracle pill
for the middle-aged man.
Give it back.
- Are you all right in there?
- I hope you're getting yourself ready.
Inspector? Are you sure
you're okay in there?
Yes, I am. I'm fine.
I'm just getting in the mood for love.
Well, hello.
We need fresh towels in 204.
Don't ask why, just do it.
You have the flight number.
He leaves tomorrow out of JFK.
He'll be easy to spot. He's got
white hair, a thin mustache...
...brimming with self-confidence
and completely lost.
- Did you get the stuff?
- Yes.
Give it to me.
Airline food is for suckers.
I will smuggle this on.
Just act cool.
- Hey, that's Xania!
- Hello.
Hi. Yes, thank you.
I still think she is hiding
something, Ponton.
If I knew what she was hiding,
then it wouldn't be hidden, would it?
- All right. Thank you.
- One more! One more!
Okay, let's go. Next.
Nothing to declare.
- Come on through.
- Hand check on two.
- This your bag, sir?
- Yes, it is.
- We'll have to hand check it.
- Go ahead. I have nothing to hide.
In my bag.
Come with me, sir.
Wait here, pal.
It's a harmless pocketknife.
It's a harmless pair of...
I don't... I don't even own a mace.
I don't know where that came from.
I've never seen that stuff in my life.
You don't need Jimbo.
- Jimbo, stay.
- What's in your pocket, sir?
- Nothing.
- Sir, I'll say again...
...what's in your pocket?
- Nothing.
I'm gonna ask you again,
what's in your pocket, sir?
All right.
I have, in my pocket...
...a couple of "hambwortsforts."
I have in my pocket...
...a couple of "dolvargars."
- Sir, in your pocket you have...?
- All right, I have four "hanholders."
I'm sorry. Once more.
- Sir...
- Hey, what's that?
- Sir... Sir, I'm losing my patience.
- Oh, you are?
- You are losing your patience?
- Yes.
I'm simply telling you I have
a couple of "tamburthers."
I've got an End darter down on six.
I've got an End darter down on six!
- Locked and loaded, sir!
- Show me your hands, sir!
All right, I'll just show you.
- No, no, no! Stay here, sir.
- Sic him, W!
- Yes, that's him!
- Inspector, what is a "damburgert"?
Inspector, how does it feel
to have let down the nation?
So much for the heroic
Inspector Clouseau.
Well, this is a glorious day
for France.
How so, chief inspector?
Because a stupid idiot
named Clouseau... going to be stripped of his rank
while I take over his case.
You have a second man
named Clouseau?
My God. Leave us alone
for a moment.
You, out. Go, go. Go.
I must have a private word...
...with Inspector Clouseau.
Understand something, Clouseau.
When I made you an inspector,
it was not because I thought... had any value as a detective.
It was because I thought you were the
stupidest policeman in all of France.
A hopeless, deluded idiot.
Then I was not promoted
for my merits?
I only made you inspector
because I needed someone...
...who would quietly get
nowhere until I was ready... take over the case myself.
I was trying to catch a killer.
You were trying...
You were trying to become a hero.
Well, you will be stripped...
...of your rank,
ridiculed by the media...
...and I will be done with you.
And now if you will excuse me,
ex-inspector, I must go and prepare...
...for the arrest which will win me
the Medal of Honor...
...catapult me to the National
Assembly, and after that, who knows?
- Goodbye, Clouseau.
- Shall we lock him up?
Look at him.
He is finished.
Let him go home to obscurity.
You knew?
...things were not
as I supposed they were.
And if I ever made
you look foolish...
...I am sorry.
It was an honor
serving under you, sir.
Good one.
The Internet.
Hello, old friend.
"To download your new
cell-phone ringtone... the button
that says 'download."'
I take the mouse and I click,
but do not drag...
...the button that says "download."
Gentlemen, and lady,
good morning.
Meet Dr. Li How Pang.
He was, of course, in the VIP box
when Gluant was killed.
Coincidentally, Dr. Pang would
send Gluant large sums of money.
Presumably, Gluant was to invest
these sums on Pang's behalf.
But being a compulsive gambler,
Gluant took the money...
...and gambled it all away.
So Pang had the motive.
He had the opportunity.
Pang is in France
for the president's ball tonight.
We will arrest him there
for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Bravo, chief inspector.
I am pleased to announce that
I am personally taking over...
... the Pink Panther investigation
and that an arrest is imminent.
- Thank you.
- Chief inspector...
... the coroner has announced
that Bizu was killed...
... with a perfect shot to the
occipital lobe. Any comments?
The occipital lobe?
It's irrelevant.
The occipital lobe.
That makes me feel good.
Of course.
Ponton, I need you
over here immediately.
We are back on the case.
Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant
were killed by the same person.
And that the killer
will strike again tonight.
I want you to meet me
at the presidential palace.
And bring my vinyl bag marked
"presidential palace."
And hurry! Xania is in grave danger.
Ponton, we must get to the
presidential palace immediately!
- Put your seat belt on.
- I don't need a seat belt.
Let's see what this baby can do!
No. Clouseau should not
be on this list.
He is no longer allowed
at state affairs.
He has been disgraced
and humiliated.
But what about all the reporters
who will want to come in?
When the time is right,
let them pour in.
I'm sorry, but your name
is not on the list.
Not on the list?
Dreyfus must have made sure
you cannot get in.
- Chief inspector.
- What?
- Inspector, here is your bag.
- Good work, Nicole.
Our men have reported a sighting
of Inspector Clouseau.
- What is that?
- Camouflage. Let's go.
- Nicole.
- Yes?
I know what he's up to. He wants
to try to make the arrest himself.
- One last thing.
- Yes?
If you see Clouseau,
put him in cuffs for trespassing...
...and parade him through the party.
It's evening...
I want all men on alert.
Arrest him outside.
...and you look beautiful
without your glasses.
Thank you, inspector.
Dr. Pang has arrived.
We will take him after the first song.
Yes, yes. Very true.
Good work, Ponton. We're in.
It's the killer! After him!
- Change outfits.
- Stop! Turn around.
Who are you?
- What are you doing here?
- We are... We are two... We are...
- I'll tell you exactly who we are.
- Yes.
- We are...
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
Where the hell have you been?
- You know these two?
- Of course I know them.
They are Xania's backup dancers.
They go on in the third act...
...with the Komodo dragon
and the snow machine.
Why do you think they are
dressed like that, for fun?
- Prove it.
- We don't have to prove...
Can't you see these dancers
are exhausted?
Go and fetch them some water.
That was fantastic.
- You think so?
- You are... amazing woman.
Inspector, the killer.
Now I am ready to catch a killer.
Stop in the name of the law.
Get him!
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
Ponton, you follow him that way.
I'll go this way and cut him off.
Turn around.
- You're under arre...
- You are under arrest!
Ponton! After him!
Go, go!
Well, Dr. Pang.
In the name of the statutes...
...and laws of the great nation
of France...
...I arrest you for the murder
of Yves Gluant.
Clouseau! Arrest him.
Which one is he?
That would be him.
In the name of the statutes and laws
of the great nation of France...
...I arrest you for the murder
of Yves Gluant.
Yuri, the trainer who trains.
And who are you?
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Gluant was nothing!
I drew up the plays.
He takes credit for brilliant
French defense which I gave him...
...and treats me like I'm dead. Fine.
Now he is dead from Chinese poison.
Inspector, what made you
think it was him?
But, Ponton, think back.
You were there.
She was right, of course.
According to statute 87223, every
trainer of the national soccer team...
...must have a knowledge
of Chinese herbs.
This made it easy for him
to murder Gluant.
- And Bizu?
- Simple.
Bizu had often heard
Yuri's rants against Gluant.
So Bizu blackmailed Yuri
and got himself killed.
Oh, it's you.
A stunning shot to the head...
...burrowing deeply
into the occipital lobe.
But Yuri is a soccer trainer.
That shot was made
by an expert marksman.
Chief inspector, I'm sure
you're familiar...
...with Russian army statute 611.
Well, of course.
All members must be... marksmen...
- Expert marksmen.
...and understand the location
of the occipital...
- Occipital lobe, of course.
- Yes.
- Very true.
- Yes, Yuri.
Xania is still alive.
But you hated her. And that's
why you are trying to kill her.
You hated her because she
went with Bizu and then Gluant...
...and treated you
like you were nothing.
But you forgot a fundamental truth
about women.
A woman is like a...
Is like a...
You have to do a bit of work
before you get to her heart.
What about the diamond?
What about the Pink Panther?
Yes, thank you, Inspector Clouseau
for carrying out my orders.
Hand over the diamond, Yuri.
What do I care about
your stinking diamond?
He does not have the diamond.
The murderer does not have
the diamond?
- No.
- Well, then, where is it...
...lnspector Clouseau?
It is there! In her purse.
Let me see.
Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.
The purse, please.
Could you hold that, please?
After Gluant came to me, he said
he decided to stop cheating on me.
Then he asked me to marry him...
... and put the ring in my hands.
After he was killed, I thought...
...if I came forward with the ring,
everyone would think I did it.
If Gluant gave you the ring
before he died...
...then according to civil statute
You may keep the Pink Panther.
But, inspector,
how did you know she had it?
It was simple, Ponton.
I was looking at a photo of myself
at the checkpoint.
Something caught my eye:
Xania's purse passing through
the x-ray machine.
I enlarged the photo...
... and in it...
... the Pink Panther.
- The case is closed!
- Bravo, Clouseau.
Clouseau! Clouseau!
Clouseau! Clouseau!
I can't thank you enough
for giving me...
I can't thank you enough
for giving me...
...the opportunity to solve
the Pink Panther murder.
Without your decision to put me
on the case...
...who knows, someone else might've
won the Medal of Honor this year.
Yes, I know.
I owe it all to you, chief inspector.
Without you, I would be nothing.
- Perhaps you still are.
- Excellent verbal joust, inspector.
You idiot! Oh, no.
- Hit it, Ponton.
- No! Clouseau!
Stop the car. Dear...
You didn't say:
"Stop the car. Dear God,
I beg of you, stop the car"?
Does it hurt?
I can't understand you.
You know what,
I think he wants to recline.
There's a lever right here.
Oh, it's on the other side, I'm sorry.
A bit of a reach.
Wait a minute. I'll get it.
I'll get it right here.
Is right back here.
There must be a simpler way...
...of working this...
Oh, there's a remote control... that you can just...
It's sensitive! I hardly touched it!
But it goes up...
That's it! That's it!
- You know, Ponton.
- Yes, inspector.
This is a very hard time
for Inspector Dreyfus.
It is important that
we show compassion.
And we must use the gentle
healing power of laughter.
This is going to hurt.
That breeze feels good.