Pitbullterje (2005) Movie Script

Are you ready, guys?
We are going to blow dry Jim's face
with the biggest flaming fart
of all times. Are you ready, Jim?
Get the lighter out. Come on.
Shit, did you see that?
That was crazy, that was a whopper.
Oh man, damn.
Are you alright, Jim?
Sure, I'm fine.
Did you start smoking yet?
Great, you can keep watch, then.
You need to close off right away.
And have at least one layer of clothes.
Or the flame can backfire.
A guy in the States fried up
his entire guts and croaked.
You can actually explode, right?
Yeah, that's a fact.
It could happen to anyone.
Weren't you supposed to keep watch?
Are those yours?
Okay, whose are they?
They're my mom's. She's trying to
quit, so I'm holding on to them for her.
I have to call your mom about this.
You can't, phone's not working.
You can write a note.
You owe me a pack of smokes.
Cigarettes too?
Yeah, here's the note from my mom.
Sure, that's fine.
The eagle has landed.
Three, four, five...
Did you lock the door?
Did you remember the chain too?
Of course.
Did the package arrive?
No, not yet.
We're having Beef Stroganoff, over.
Perfect, I'll reserve the best
table in the restaurant. Over.
It's all about having
a positive attitude.
You could become
the first mom on the moon.
That's not very likely. Women with
anxiety don't become astronauts.
Well, they did send a dog
in to outer space, so maybe?
I have been feeling pretty good
today. That's great.
A small step for man;
a giant leap for mankind.
TV shop presents Dog Style. Now
your dog can be a happy dog too.
Dog Style is a professional
equipment kit for your dog.
I would feel much safer if we had a
But you don't even dare go outside.
I thought we were supposed to have
a positive attitude?
I'm going out to the garage
for a little while. I won't go far.
Yo Kari, what's up?
They've taken Roger and Kurt.
Jim please, do something.
Help me Jim, please?
Are you going to help me or what?
Sorry Kurt, you asked for this.
Jim, what are you doing?
Jim. The smokes.
Sit down, chill. Teacher in the house.
Well, this is our class room.
As we've talked about, Terje is joining
us today. Are you coming, Terje?
Where would you like to sit, Terje?
Next to Jim.
I'll go get a chair.
What's your name other than Terje?
Fat Terje?
Terje the dick?
Homo Terje.
Or do you just use fatso?
You can call me PitbullTerje.
You know why?
Because I have a pit bull, get it?
Okay, let's all sit in a circle
so we can get to know Terje better.
Come on. Find your seats,
find your seats, excellent.
Ok, Terje. You can start by
telling us a little bit about yourself.
You can at least tell us
where you've lived?
Hell, no.
You can't swear in here.
Terje, you can't talk like that.
I talk exactly the way I want to.
Do you have a hobby
you could tell us about?
I have a pit bull terrier.
A pit bull terrier?
When it bites,
it doesn't let go until you're dead.
It could kill you, you, and you.
And you.
You can't let him do this.
Shut up.
Let's all go to the gym and continue
working on our Christmas play, ok?
Yes, come on, everybody.
Terje, you can be the guard in the inn.
You're sort of sturdy and tough, huh?
Very nice.
This is starting to look like Bethlehem.
Check it out, angel dance.
Real Jedi Josef there Jim.
And you, good and pregnant.
Let's hear the rap, now.
It came to pass that in those days.
Counting the people was all the craze.
So Caesar Augustus sent out the call,
to count and tax his subjects all.
If you so much as talk to that fat
sumowrestler you'll get your ass kicked!
What would I be talking to
that psycho about anyway?
The eagle has landed.
Did you lock the door?
Yes, and the chain as well. Over.
No package today either?
No, it'll probably be here tomorrow.
Look... I've made a list of things
we have to remember for Christmas.
A Christmas tree.
That's been ordered.
And your Christmas present.
That's ordered too.
Washing windows and other little
odds and ends... Then we're set.
Is there something wrong?
Why are you looking out the window?
I'm not looking.
What was that?
I can't hear anything.
Is there someone here?
Relax, it's nothing.
Yes, listen, there's somebody here.
No, have a look, then.
See, there was nothing.
Maybe we should just
cancel Christmas.
Where are we going today, mom?
To a party. A heck of a party.
You can let me out here.
It's Jim's mom. The party can start!
Don't wait up.
This is going to be a real blow out.
Can a girl get a drink around here?
Roger, you'll get 100 crowns
if you hit the window.
Maybe we can scare Jim's mom
out of there once and for all.
Hey, there's Jim.
Are you playing with Playmo?
Can we play?
Let's watch a video instead?
Where's the TV?
Are there any girls there?
You really should have had some.
Then you could have played
truth or dare.
Or spin the bottle
or something like that.
Oh God.
Get the lighter out.
Did you know that Kurt is allergic
to milk? If he drinks milk every day,
his stomach gets all messed up
and he can make huge farts.
Do these chips smell weird?
Oh, shit!
We should have had
some girls here now.
Did you know that smoking stunts your
growth? You could end up a midget.
That was scary.
Eh, not very.
Want to play truth or dare or what?
Sorry Jim, there's one guy too many.
No French kissing.
Hey, hold on.
Little Jim needs his Playmo, you know.
Close the door.
Now you're all set.
Close the door, Kurt.
Roger, you'll finally
get to make out with Kari.
Yes, this one is also from Lego Land.
Here it's Christmas,
and this is the first time Jim...
I am just showing
your buddy here some photos.
Did you lock the door?
I worry about burglars. I thought
about getting a dog or something.
You should get a pit bull.
Aren't they dangerous?
Exactly. You can borrow mine.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I said he could go down to the garage,
but he preferred to wait here. I'm fine.
Can we be alone here?
Yes, sure.
I think it would be better if you...
From now on, you and I are
best friends or I'll kill you. Get it?
Would you like some cool aid
and ginger bread cookies?
I kill you motherfucker!
You are dead man.
Cool being in your garage last night.
We'll stop by again today.
To plan the party.
You need to by beer for us.
He can buy beer?
Jim can buy anything with
that little note he gets from his mom.
"I'm really thirsty."
See you tonight, Jim.
What are you doing here?
I'm not allowed to have company.
Do you want to play or what?
Playmo should be mandatory.
Oh Jim.
So, it's fat Terje and dorky Jim?
It's the gay pride parade, you know.
Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
No, no, no, don't do that.
What are you doing, man?
You want to dance for me bitch?
Dance bitch!
I'm so glad you came.
Jim, are you there?
Terje, you've got to go.
Out through the window.
They'll kick my ass if they see us.
Bu we're best friends.
Ring the doorbell.
No, wait, I'm here.
What are you doing?
Come on, get out.
But we're best friends.
Are we?
Yes, yes of course.
Get out, hurry.
Get the door open.
It's stuck. Hang on a sec.
What are you doing?
You've got to go to the store.
We need smokes.
Look, here's a marzipan pig.
Don't you like it?
That'll be 80 crowns exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, Terje.
Beat it.
20 crowns change, here you go.
And you want? Hello?
One pack of cigarettes, please.
Hey. Got my smokes?
Where are... Hanne and Kari?
They had to go home for dinner.
Hey, Roger,
didn't you have to take a piss?
Yeah, can I use your bathroom?
No, it's not working.
Oh, really?
It's clogged.
The plumber will be here tomorrow.
Oh, I see.
I think I have to
get home for dinner too.
No, the package
didn't get here today either.
What's going on in the garage?
There are so many strange noises.
I have friends. That's good, huh?
Sure. Is Terje there?
No, Terje is just a fat dork.
Nobody likes him.
I can decide these things for my self,
and I have decided to get a pit bull.
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
I would feel safer with a pit bull.
You don't know what a pit bull is.
We just have to train it.
It's really difficult to train a dog.
Besides, you have to feed it every day.
Take it for walks;
it's a big responsibility.
It's a big responsibility with a son.
You should do one thing at the time!
Sorry, mom.
I didn't mean it like that.
Compared to other moms
you're doing pretty good.
When is the Christmas pageant?
Thought I'd drop by this year.
No, there won't be one.
Why not?
They just don't do that in 7th grade.
Oh, really? Too bad.
Yo homes, are you with me?
Are you hip?
It came to pass that in those days.
Counting the people was all the craze.
So Caesar Augustus sent out the call,
to count and tax his subjects all.
So Joseph went from Nazareth.
To his old hometown Bethlehem.
He took his young wife Mary.
She was riding on a donkey.
It will be hard to get a bed.
They should have called ahead.
She looked to Joseph saying:
"The pickings are pretty thin".
He said "I'll ask here at this inn".
Joseph stepped up to the owner.
But the owner turned and said...
Joseph stepped up to the owner,
but the owner turned and said...
Terje, come on,
"at this inn there is no room".
Joseph stepped up to the owner
but the owner turned and said...
At this inn there is no room.
All right Terje!
That's my boy up there.
Kurt, Roger, break it down.
Nothing helped; begging or crying.
But Joseph did not stop trying.
"There was a stall with straw
back there that looked warm and dry."
Party at Jim's.
Jim, hand out a couple of these.
We've invited everybody, you know.
Party at Jim's, party at Jim's.
Hi, I can grab one for Terje.
No, they're all gone.
That was great.
Party at Jim's.
That went really well.
The rap was dynamite,
the angel dance was beautiful.
Was your mom not able to make it?
She's got migraine.
I thought I'd call her one of these
days and wish her a Merry Christmas.
You can't do that, you know.
The phone isn't working. Bye.
Turn around.
I thought I'd invite some friends
down to the garage.
We'll try to keep it down.
Oh no, they were out of
what I ordered for you.
That means
I don't have a present for you.
It doesn't matter.
Look, it's nice.
Cross that one off the list.
Christmas tree, got it.
Mom, what are you doing?
I'm going outside.
I'm going to get you a Christmas gift.
I can buy it my self.
Christmas presents
are supposed to be secret.
I need your help now.
Are you ready, over?
We have just landed, and we are
ready to exit the vehicle. Over.
Moon boots ok? Over.
Can't read you Armstrong. Over.
Ok, over.
Special gloves ok? Over.
Ok. Over.
Moon helmet ok?
Ok. Over.
Ready for countdown.
Three, two, one.
You'll be the first mom on the moon.
Ok. Over.
Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh.
Are you ok?
Jim, Jim.
I didn't mean for this to happen. I
thought it would be nice for your mom.
Is your oxygen supply
under control? Over.
I need that pit bull,
do you understand?
What about the pit bull? Hello?
Hi. Torstein.
Terje is out for a little while.
See that sign? I could have fixed it.
In the old days
I could have fixed it like that.
Now, nothing really works out.
If you were a woman,
would you have married me?
No, me neither.
Where is the pit bull?
The pit bull?
No, that bitch left a long time ago.
"The pit bull"... good one.
Terje? Come on over here!
Where is your so called pit bull?
It's at home.
That's great, because my mom
really needs to borrow it.
That'll be fine, but not today,
because it's sick.
You don't need to lie about this.
It's at a kennel.
Get a grip!
It has double pneumonia.
I went to see your dad.
If you tell anybody I'm going to
kill you. Do you understand that?
Relax, I promise not to tell anyone.
But you promised my mom a pit bull.
And now she needs one.
Do you know of any other dogs?
No, no lottery tickets.
We want to walk your dog!
We have this project at school
where we are offering people
a little help before Christmas.
And we were wondering if you
wanted us to walk the dog for you?
You're lucky. Now you won't have to
go outside and slip and break your hip.
We promise to be really careful.
Well, ok.
Did you lock the door?
I brought Terje and the pit bull.
I think you better go into your room.
But I should probably see it.
Well, if you insist. Terje!
It looks a little wimpy, but it'll
tear out your throat in a second.
It can kill a grown man just for fun.
It's the world's
most dangerous dog, mom.
And it's got rabies too.
We're locking it up in the closet,
Ok, mom, all set.
We locked it up in the closet.
See, it's totally calm, now.
If somebody breaks in or something,
it will go berserk.
I'll go lay down for a little bit.
She could have been more thankful.
The dog could have been dead.
You know what you would like to get.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Why can't you buy it your self?
I don't want to know what it is.
Why not, if it's for your cousin?
I just don't want to.
What does your cousin want, then?
I don't know, Playmo.
Alright, then.
Yeah, there's enough for everybody.
Ok, get in line.
Everybody gets. Yepp, get in line.
SmellyClaus, smellyClaus!
For crying out loud, get in line
I'll stuff the bloody presents up
where the sun don't shine! Get in line!
Come on,
It's not so bad. There you go.
Merry Christmas,
do you want a hug from Santa?
Jim. Where have you been?
You have to get a cell phone.
How's your mom doing?
Oh, she's fine.
That jingle bell stuff was really
So we're still on for tonight?
Yeah, tonight.
The party, remember?
Oh, right, that party.
Great, let's go buy beers, then.
We can't do that.
Come on, let's go buy beers.
We need beers for the party.
Did you lock the door?
Did you remember the chain?
What's going on?
I'm changing.
I'll have company in the garage.
Are you having a party?
Not exactly a party.
No, it's quite alright. That's fun.
Who's going to be there?
I have a pit bull in here.
It's only Terje.
Great.... Hold on.
Jim, hurry,
people are starting to show up.
I'll be here, if something happens
or something, I'll be here.
Will you lock the door behind me?
Yeah, sure. Have a good party.
Hey, Jim, get over here.
Cool party, Jim.
Taste good?
No, it tastes like shit. That's why
you get so bloody drunk from it.
Did you do ystein's mom, or what?
Yepp, I did just that.
Jim, truth or dare?
You have to...
Ring your mom's doorbell and run.
Drop it.
Was your mom in the nuthouse?
Stop it.
How do you feel about PitbullTerje?
I saw you two in the dressing room.
I saw him ringing your door bell.
Are you guys gay or what?
Jim would never hang out with that
loser. Jim is one of us, right? Right?
There's no way you're hanging out
with that fat moron, right?
You know who your friends are?
He doesn't even have a pit bull.
How do you know that?
I go past his house every day...
I just know.
Damn, I knew it. Ok.
Sit. Sit.
Everything's fine.
Oh, that's good.
Good thing you checked,
it's been really quiet in there lately.
Is it fun being at the party?
I don't know.
I dare you to...
Kiss Kari.
Come on, he chose dare.
He doesn't have to if he doesn't want.
Yeah, there's smooching going on.
Kiss a little.
Is this where the party is?
Not for you it's not.
But I have an invitation.
You didn't get that from me.
He probably stole it.
Why don't you just beat it?
It's Jim's garage.
Jim, did you invite him?
Hey, I suggest that you get lost.
Watch out or I'll get my pit bull.
Oh, you're getting the pit bull...
Jim, tell him what you told us.
Say it.
There is no pit bull.
Just get lost, fatso.
Why don't you just get lost.
Check it out, he wobbles.
What are you? Keiko?
Are you listening?
Hey, why don't you just piss off?
He's going to get it.
Do you want to help me decorate?
Not right now.
Well, it's the day before Christmas,
we need to decorate.
I'm on vacation.
That's probably Terje.
It's only 33% of the world's population
that produce methane gas in their guts.
So when you light it
the flame is blue.
Right, Jim?
That makes me a proud member
of the Royal Order of the blue flame.
Check this out.
It's a stink bomb.
A tiny bit of pit bull doo doo.
You're going to throw it at Santa.
You'll get back at that fat sumo
wrestler for ruining your party.
What are you doing?
Are you chicken, or what?
Who are your friends, Jim?
Definitely not you.
Alright, I'll do it myself.
What the hell do you want?
I said what the hell do you want?
Get lost.
I said get lost!
Special offer on Swedish turnip
between four and five.
Sorry I don't have much time,
there's something I have to do.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. See you around.
Terje. There was a dog here
with a message for you.
Beat it!
Be at the garage at eight
Terje, "The Countess
and the Butler" is on.
You like that. Come sit down.
Man, that butler is such a clown.
To Terje from Jim
Residence Permit
Wow, that was a little too much.
That was nice.
It's sad we don't have a proper tree.
But we do.
Are you ready?
Yes. Wow.
That turned out nicely.
It's probably just the fuse.
I think we need an electrician.
I can't stand a stranger in the house.
We have to have power for Christmas.
We need power for Christmas.
But come on.
Hi, it's Jim.
I need your father's help. Our power
is out and it's a total crisis.
Terje? Hello, Terje?
Who are you talking to?
It's just the neighbor.
No, it's Jim.
It's the power, and I need your help.
Come on up.
Changing the fuse didn't help,
I'm coming with you.
No, you're not.
We need to sort this out.
What is wrong with you?
We have to help Jim and his mom.
He's not allowed to have company.
They have a pit bull.
Damn, are you two still carrying on
about that pit bull?
There is no pit bull.
It's my mom.
She's got anxiety, and she's
terrified of people she doesn't know.
Ok, but she wouldn't be afraid of me?
Hang on.
Like this?
Nobody's afraid of Santa, you know.
Where's the fuse box?
Where is it?
There we go.
Let's see.
Careful, mom's sleeping.
Were you using much electrical
equipment when the power went out?
No, only a Christmas tree.
A Christmas tree?
There you go.
Be quiet.
I am quiet.
You go do it. Unplug the tree.
Check it out, light.
Great, let's go.
You are the best electrician ever.
I have my moments.
Hi, I'm Torstein.
Relax! it's just Terje's dad...
Bloody hell! How screwed up is that?
What are you doing?
Just trying to help the bitch.
Too weird.
I offer my assistance,
and this is what I get.
See you tomorrow.
Terje, Terje come on.
Not at my house.
Definitely not at my house.
Terje, get your ass over here.
That was just Terje's dad, mom.
He got our power back on.
We have power for Christmas, now.
There'll be no Christmas.
Do you think this is just a game?
No, but it is Christmas.
All that crap about Christmas,
do you really think it helps? Huh?
And that pit bull,
did you really think I bought it?
It's about having a positive attitude.
I am sick, Jim.
I am tired of this, mom.
You're tired?
You have no idea how lucky you are.
You can go out any time you like.
You can go out and just forget
about your sick mom. I can't do that.
I have to stay here forever.
I am the one with anxiety.
Shut up!
Many people with anxiety still go out.
I'm not asking you to go to the moon.
I just want to have Christmas.
What are you doing now?
I'm moving out to the garage.
Jim... Why don't you just stay here?
We can watch videos,
and eat ginger bread cookies, and...
If you want to celebrate Christmas,
you're going to have to join me.
Hello, Jim.
I can see
that you need some changes.
The Family Exchange has many
happy families waiting for you.
This family from the upper west side
has everything a child could want.
For the Anker Middelfart family,
press 1.
If you are more into wild life,
press 2 for the Hetta family.
Or maybe you are so sick of your mom
that you prefer two fathers?
For the Foss Juritzen family, press
You all know what day it is today,
right? It is Christmas, starting in:
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,
4, 3, 2, 1...
Hey, stop.
Will you cut it out!
It's Christmas!
Stop doing that!
Terje? Terje?
Kurt, stop it. What does it say?
"To Terje from Jim. Residence Permit."
I knew they were gay.
No, stop it.
Hello, Jim.
Playing with Playmo?
So what?
Stupid homo.
Where is that fat best buddy of yours?
Terje? He'll be here a little later.
So, you are friends?
We are best friends.
Stop it.
What's wrong with you? Get a grip.
Was there anything else you wanted?
You little shit.
Kurt, stop it.
Beat it. Come on, Roger.
Get the lighter. Hold.
I can feel the biggest blue flame fart
of all times building up.
It will fry up your nose hairs.
Are you ready?
Come on? Light it.
Get away, Jim.
What are you, a chicken?
I have to do everything my self.
What losers.
Shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit, it went in.
Oh, God damn it, it stings like crazy.
My fart backfired. Oh, Roger,
put some snow on it, please?
Hey, Roger, what are you doing?
Hanne, call an ambulance?
Shit, it stings.
Hanne, wait!
Hanne, wait.
Hanne, wait... seriously.
Merry Christmas.
And a Happy New Year.
You chose dare, you know.
See you around, then. Bye.
Come here.
Go get Jim's present.
Is there any room at the inn?
No, there is no room.
But we can squeeze inn one more.
Houston? The eagle has landed.
We are attempting to go out, need
assistance. Do you read me? Over.
Eagle read you loud and clear.
Ready for countdown? Over.
Three, two, one.
Jim? Weren't you supposed to
give up Playmo?
I was, but...
Then you don't need this.
Hey, Terje, that's Jim's present.
He got it from his mom.
You can have it.
Yes, Merry Christmas.
No, no, I won't take it.
Please? Ok.
Alright, if you insist.
I've got something for you, too.
Remember; it's the thought that
You can always use
a pit bull, you know.
So, I guess we can eat.