Pixels (2015) Movie Script

Cooper, it's opened!
It's open?
Come on!
It's gonna be awesome!
Thank you!
Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser!
I suck.
Gee, Sam.
How are you so good at this?
You've never even played it before.
I don't know.
There's a pattern to how
they are moving watch.
I don't see it,
but you sure as hell do.
Use the force.
Use the force.
Hey, Chewie.
You're a superstar...
...And it's time to show the world.
Attention all contestants.
...the competition will start
in 15 minutes.
You too?
That's so funny.
I think you're pretty darn foxy yourself.
Lady Lisa, I'll love
until the end of time.
- Who are you talking to?
- Nobody!
We'll talk later.
You're Lamonosoff Ludlow,
the wonder kid, right?
Who told you that,
the government?
Because I'm this close to figuring out
the secret of the Bermuda Triangle.
Wow, you don't have any friends,
do you?
Just my grandmother.
Well wonder kid,
you can hang out with us.
What's up,
misfits and groupies?
They call me the Fireblaster!
Because my hands are blazing fast...
...and also I will blast all my
competitors weak ass moves.
You must be the local talent.
If this was a fugly contest
I would be in trouble.
At least we didn't make up
our own nicknames, "Fireblaster".
Who cares who came up with it?
It's totally tubular.
Welcome gamers
to the first annual...
...Worldwide Video Arcade Championship!
Tonight we have representatives here
from The Guinness Book of World Records...
...as well as NASA, the National
Aeronautics and Space Administration.
Who will be videotaping
tonight's competition...
...to be included in a compilation of 1982
news events and popular culture.
That videotape will be placed
in a space probe...
...which will be launched by NASA
into our solar system...
...with the hope of connecting to, and
perhaps providing a message for...
...extraterrestrial life,
should it exists.
Oh, it exists.
Ladies and gentleman...!
...Start Your Gaming!
Announcer: Alright, ladies and gentlemen
what an evening we've had.
Six new US records set.
Three new world records set.
And, as the smoke clears,
right now we have a tie!
259 points for your new
Pac-man World Champion:
The Fireblaster, Eddie Plant!
Well done, Fireblaster!.
And 259 for the new
"Galaga Centipede" Wold Champion...!
...rookie sensation,
Sam Brenner!
Go Sam!
Well gentlemen,
how about we break this tie?
Let's play...
...Donkey Kong!
Good luck, man.
Thanks. You have the patterns down
pretty good for these games.
You're gonna be tough to beat.
You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is,
...the barrels become more random,
possessed almost.
Playing by the patterns
doesn't the trick anymore.
Does it, Brenner?
On coming in 2nd!
Fireblaster is the world's champ!
The local yokel looked me in the eye,
and blinks!
He's a loser, and you will always
be a loser.
Sam, Sam, wait.
Sam, listen...
...you're gonna go to MIT, and invent
something that makes you a millionaire.
...And maybe even marry
Olivia Newton John.
I was actually thinking Samantha Fox.
Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton.
...there's always Madonna.
How about Scarlett Johansson?
So hot.
Not Halle Berry hot,
but so, so, hot.
And didn't forget Katy Perry.
What are we doing right now?
We're too old. It's gross already.
Plus you're married to a
woman who hates you.
Doesn't hate me, she just don't get it,
you know.
We don't have the free time
to do stuff like we did 10 years ago.
This job is killing me, man.
If I were you...
...maybe half an hour a day
turn off the cell phone.
Shut down the emails, put away
the Reggie bars, and focus on your wife.
Hold on, I want to see this.
...at Joseph Knibb Elementary School to
promote his youth reading initiative.
Here's what happened.
"Mittens jumped on to the table and
knocked over the whole bowl of soup.
The Ms. Pickles said gasp..."
"And the whole room fell silent.
This was cistat...
This is cast...
Cattastrophic ".
I got it sweetheart, okay?
Why did he yell at me?
You're mean!
Leave her alone!
The President can't read.
You gotta learn how to read, buddy.
It's as simple as that.
I was on three hours sleep, alright?
- Your policies hurt the poor!
- Nice to see you!
- You have the blood of innocent children
on your hands!
Thank you, for your support!
- I can't go to college because of you!
- That's a lovely dress!
- You're ruining the country!
- We're all in this together, now.
You've got a rough life, bud.
- Sir?
- Thank you.
But a t least you have a life.
Look Brenner, you're meant for
something more than this.
You need to channel your genius
into something productive.
I mean you were incredible in
video games back in the day.
But that's a useless skill now.
It's like being a great blacksmith.
That hurt, man. That's "cattastrophic"
you said that.
I'm going to get you back for that.
Mr. President, if you take away
all the libraries, sir...
...how will the children
ever learn to read?
Blacksmith, over and out!
Hello. I'm a nerd
from the Nerd Brigade.
Here to nerd out on all your
audio and visual needs.
Do you have to say that every time
you show up at a house?
If I want to get paid, yes.
Isn't that kinda demeaning?
Only if someone brings it up.
- Okay, I won't bring it up then.
- Thanks.
Come on in.
What am I installing?
A new 85 inch, 4K 3D TV.
...PlayStation 4, 7.1
surround sound speakers.
Really? If you guys sell it,
we probably bought it.
Is it your birthday?
No, my parents are getting divorced.
Oh, so it's like 10 birthdays.
Yeah! My dad cheated on my mom with
his 19 year old Pilates instructor.
Her name is "Sinnamon", with an "S"...
...which tells you all you really need
to know about her.
I'd like to hear a little more.
You got any pictures?
I'm kidding.
I'm sorry to hear that.
My mom kinda hates him right now, and...
...she said she's gonna to invent a "Slut
Seeking Missile" to take out "Sinnamon".
Okay Matt, you don't need to tell the
nice installer man our whole life.
I'm sorry, woe what?
No, just you... "woe".
Me, woe.
I don't even know what that means.
I mean, just when your son told me...
...that your husband left you
for a 19 year old...
...I guess I thought of you were gonna
be like one of those...
...hot women when we first met
in high school...
...but then let herself go and got a
pot belly and turkey neck with a...
...with a hairy chin."
But, clearly that's not the case.
more like "Woe I should
have brushed my teeth...
...before I left my house this morning".
Or studio apartment if
we're getting real here.
Did you really not brush
your teeth this morning?
No, I did.
I guess I should just start
setting this stuff up right now.
Go get'em.
Colonel Devereux.
You need to see this, sir.
We're under attack.
What the hell is those things?
So, you a gamer?
I played when I was your age.
Were you any good?
It was pretty good
at some of the classic games.
Classics like
Halo and Call of Duty?
No. The real classics.
Defender, Pac-Man, Asteroids.
Games you played in a arcade...
...which was a building
outside your house.
You would got there with your friends,
listen to music. Cute girls everywhere.
In ancient times
they called it "socializing".
What are you guys talking about?
Video games.
I'll be right back.
Ms. Van Patten.
All finished up down there.
I need you to sign the work order.
Ms. Van Pattern,
are you in the closet?
Not judging,
but what are you doing in the closet?
I'm mostly crying.
A little drinking.
Probably equally
crying and drinking.
Something I do often also.
But why in the closet?
Because I didn't want Matty to see me.
I coming into the closet,
Ms. Van Patten.
I'll opening the door.
Are you alright?
I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet,
drinking Chardonnay in a sippy cup...
...so I guess not.
I'm sorry. I withdraw the question.
Oh, my God.
- You want to talk about it?
- No.
Oh God.
Sir, we're in the midst of an airfield
attack by an unidentified force!
Activate secure rf!
Momma no!
We were high school sweethearts.
The perfect couple.
Do you know he proposed
in a waterfall?
- I mean a fricking waterfall.
- Sweet.
But according to a text I got
20 minutes ago...
...he's marrying a 19 year old
named after a spice.
Not even spelled correctly.
It's just not where I thought I would be
at this point in my life.
Oh God, I hear that.
I was suppose to have a baby
with my ex-wife.
But the doctor who was helping us
make the baby...
...did help us make the baby.
But unfortunately,
I wasn't in the room.
Maybe this really is all for the best.
How do you mean?
You already married the wrong guy.
You got the worst part over with.
True, and you married
the wrong girl.
Maybe it just means we meet
the right person now.
Are you trying to kiss me?
Absolutely not.
Oh God.
Sorry. I thought we were
having a moment.
We were, a moment.
You seem like a very nice guy.
But I just met you.
Okay? And no offense...
...But I didn't think
my rebound guy is a 210 lb person
...that installs flat screens for a living.
First of all, 208.
And wow, I didn't peg you
as the snobby type.
Snob? Me?
I am not a snob.
Okay, let's just say I was a billionaire
and we were out on my giant yacht...
...in the middle of the Mediterranean,
sipping champagne,
and I went in to kiss you.
Would you have kissed me back then?
Hold that thought, snobby.
Big man!
Can you get to the
White House right now?
I'll be there in 15.
While I would love to stick around
and listen to you lie...
about not wanting to make out
with the yacht guy...
...I have to go.
For the record,
I'm an amazing kisser.
All us nerds aregive.
Because we appreciate it more.
You didn't even brush
our teeth this morning.
I ate a Tic Tac!
Too late, sweetheart.
You had your shot and you blew it.
I'm not following you!
Yeah, whatever you say, stalky.
It's over. Deal with it.
Woe, she went from zero to psycho in
3.4 seconds. A new world record.
Hey, Steveo.
There's a crazy woman following me.
I guaranteed she's here to shoot the President.
If I were you,
I would break out the billy club...
and go full throttle on her.
Go right on through,
Lieutenant Colonel.
- Why are you folowing me?
- Oh, God.
I can't believe
they even let you in here.
Colonel Van Patten, you can go right
into the Situation room.
Yeah, see they need me in
the Situation room.
So have fun doing
whatever you're doing.
Mr. Brenner, President is waiting for
you in the Oval office.
Somebody is more important!
Freddy, can you keep
the riffraff out of here?
Yo, what's up?
Ah, come on.
You couldn't at least changed?
He told me to rush right over.
What's going on man?
Why is it so crazy out there?
Our air force base
in Guam was attacked.
By who?
I'm not sure.
That's what I wanted to ask you.
Come here.
Check this out.
Yeah you, come here.
Listen to this.
Does that sound familiar to you?
Yeah. Where do I know that from?
- Can you freeze it?
- Yeah, hold on.
Go in tighter.
That can't be real.
Okay, so you're seeing the
same thing I'm seeing?
What kind of mushrooms did that guy
put on our burgers?
- They're ready for you, Mr. President.
- Great.
I've got to explain this to
the National Security Council.
Listen and do me a favor Sam...
Watch that again. See if there's anything
you can find to help us out.
Yeah. I can sit in your chair?
No, you can't,
and everything is recorded.
Okay, I won't, I won't, I won't.
I'm sitting in the chair.
Give me a break.
Mr. President.
We told the press that it was a
advanced weapons test that misfired.
- So there's no mass panic yet.
- Well good.
We will resolve this thing before there's.
Mr. President, someone has
made a major breakthrough...
in drone technology and it wasn't us.
- This has got Moscow's fingerprints on it.
- Nonsense...
It's a Iranian black ops sideshow,
I guarantee it.
I have a theory. I think based on
an analysis of the footage...
Preliminary indications are that
we were attacked by...
For whom, sir?
Sons of bitches.
Then let's blow Galaga to hell!
Who's Galaga?
It's an old timey video game 80's kind of
folks like my dad use to play.
Mr. President, no nation on Earth
that has the military technology...
to simply...
pixelate entire buildings.
Except Iran.
Forget Iran! I thinking it's a cutting
edge multinational enterprise.
An NGO, a think tank,
maybe even a corporation.
We're thinking Iran.
When we should be thinking Google.
Let's blow up Google!
Can someone take away grandpa's keys
away before he drives us into a ditch?
- Who is this person?
- The sandwich guy?
This here is my old
arcade game technical...
...adviser, person.
He is Sam Brenner,
he works in the tech sector.
So, Caltech, MIT?
MIT. Yeah.
Mississippi Institute of Technology.
No, not the one you were thinking of.
Anyway... more to the current point.
Mr. Brenner here was
world "Galaga" champion.
He knows everything there's
to know about this game.
So, what is it you, and your
orange shorts barged in to say?
Just the "Galaga" that attacked us...
...doesn't exists anymore.
Hello! You can download "Galaga"
your phone for $ 1.99.
Not this version,
Blue Lagoon.
The "Galaga" that exists now
came out in 1986.
But this is 1982 arcade version.
All those machines,
they recalled them.
They reprogrammed them because there
was glitches in the original code.
You can see by the way the
giant space bugs come swooping in.
Kinda ziggy zaggy.
Ziggy zaggy,
is that the snobby term?
So someone designed these
space bugs after an old...
...out of print version of a video game
from 30 years ago...
...nobody would know today?
Does she really get to talk twice?
She's not even at the grown up table.
I'm sorry, is this a
National Security Council meeting...?
...or dorm room drunk party?
Our nation has just been attacked
by an unknown military force.
If this gets out to the press that we are
pinning this on some old video game...!
They would not only mock you in the news,
Mr. President, they'd impeach you!
So I suggest that the man in the orange
shorts leave the room immediately.
And those of us with long pants
and government positions...
...can discuss our options.
Alright, Brenner, do me a favor.
Take off, alright? Appreciate the help.
Sorry everybody.
Mr. President.
Generals and admirals.
Guys in suits.
Zac Efron.
...and Harry Potter
in the same room.
Imagine that.
Grandpa, see you around
the nursing home.
Oh ah, the sandwich guy is here.
Fooled you.
Radio: Pass the shortstop
and to the left field for a single.
We're in the 2nd inning,
whereNWashington lead off with a single.
They're talking about how he's
standing straight over the plate...
...is working out for him. He just drove
that gap in the bat hard.
First pitch being outside
for a ball, 1-0.
And the 1-0...
What's your problem, dude?
What's going on?
Woe! Woe! No, Brenner!
No, Brenner. No! No! No!
It's me! It's me! It's Ludlow!
Lamonsoff Ludlow,
the wonder kid?
How did you get into my van?
I've been in there since you went to
that nice lady's house.
She's cute, by the way.
- What is that?
- This? It's a moisturizer.
Show me what that is.
Is that what it says?
You were going to drug me?
- Only as a last resort.
- What are you...?
- There's something I had to tell you.
- Why didn't you call me then?
Because the CIA has been
tapping my phones.
Every since I found out
the Zapruder film has been edited.
JFK shot first!
Ludlow, it's you!
Buddy! It's so good to see you!
How are you?
My goodness! Look at you!
- I know.
- Staying in shape!
I'm on a protein diet.
But I'm also doing carbs.
- Good.
- But, seriously, Brenner.
There's something I have to show you.
And let's just say...
...it's a game changer.
You're the first guest I've had here...
That's a shocker.
If Lady Lisa was real...
...she would have about 17
restraining orders out on you.
Actually, if things were real,
things would play out a little differently.
Want to know how I know that?
"If She Was Real." A book written
and illustrated by Ludlow Laminsoff.
Oh, boy.
You should sell it at
Barnes & Unstable.
- Do you want a copy?
- No.
I have eight others.
Why am I here right now?
Why did you try to roofie me?
Thank you for reminding me.
Follow me.
Earlier today our base in Guam
was attacked by this guy, "Galaga".
How would you know that?
I have a pen pal in Guam.
His name is Baubau.
Baubau was terribly frightened.
So I hacked into the government servers
to assure him everything was okay.
But you know what?
Everything was not okay.
Ludlow! Did you get me some giant
root beer while you were out?
- You remember my grandma, she's ah...
- Sure.
Still a character after all these years.
No, no, Grandma! It's funny...
...I didn't get a chance too because...
What happened? Ah, I remember now.
Don't yell at me!
So look, I know that sometimes people
think of me as bit of a conspiracy nut.
But sometimes,
Brenner, sometimes...
...the conspiracies are real.
Have you been playing
"Space Invaders" a lot?
I have.
How did you know that?
Because you invading my space.
Back up.
Brenner, do you remember
when we were children,
and played in that
video game championship?
Of course, buddy.
Do you remember how there was a tape of
the event and all the games we played...?
...That was then put into a capsule
and shot out to the universe...
...looking for extraterrestrial life?
I have reason to believe that some
alien life force found that tape...
...And have send down real life versions
of what they saw...
...to attack us.
I spent a day on 4chan...
...searching for messages from the aliens
to prove my theory.
- And you want to know something?
- Tell me.
I came up absolutely empty.
So then as a distraction me,
I got up...
...and tried to watch an episode of "One
Tree Hill" I recorded on my VCR last night.
I've been binge watching to catch up.
You didn't have cable because...?
Because the government spies on us
through our cable boxes, Brenner.
That's been proven.
And you didn't want them to see you
dancing around for Lady Lisa? I get it.
No that tape was burned
3 months ago. Anyway.
In the middle of the UHF broadcast...
...Something peculiar interrupted
Sophia Bush's sexy shenanigans.
You human freak with the huge...
Inhabitants of earth...
...we are a race
from the planet Volula.
We came to you in these
familiar earth forms...
...to tell you
we've received your vessel.
And in it,
your hostile challenge.
We accept your offer to compete
in winner take all battle.
Gather your bravest warriors
to face our bravest warriors!
The winner takes
the losers planet.
You've already lost the first battle.
And for our victory,
we've picked a trophy.
I'm okay, Momma.
I love you.
That's not the real Madonna!
You will get three lives.
You have two lives left.
Losing both will lead to the
total destruction of your planet.
The next battle
is in 15 hours...
...at coordinates 27-24'-79".
I got lost about half way through.
Why does Madonna want to
take over our planet?
These moron aliens think that the footage
NASA sent up to space...
...of us playing video games in 1982...
...was a declaration of war.
Intergalactic war, Mr. President. Isn't that crazy?
Isn't that unpredictable?
Lud, listen, you helped unscrambled my
Cinemax when we were kids.
I think you can call me Chewie.
What do they mean
by three lives?
- What is that?
- If I may. That's just it.
It's like the video games of old,
Chewie Mr. President.
One quarter, three lives.
This is clearly not a quarter, this is far
more valuable. May I keep this?
- Put it back on the desk.
- Fair enough.
We lost the first one, "Galaga".
Two more losses, and...
It's game over.
- That's not happening.
- Fair enough.
Assuming that alien Madonna numbers
are latitude and longitude
...then we can safetly assume the next
attack should happen somewhere...
...in Northern
India tonight.
If you can get your guys from the NSA
to clean up the signal...
...then we can pinpoint exactly
where the attack is going to be...
...and maybe even which game
they are going to use to attack us.
I can't authorize
a military response...
...based off a video that looks like it was
made by a couple of high school kids.
You've got to at least warn the people
of India something could be coming.
The whole country thinks I'm
a buffoon as it's.
I can't risk it, Brenner.
I just can't!
Don't sweat the whole Taj Mahal thing.
It's probably better to have only
six Wonders of the World now.
You know what, I get it, I screwed up.
It won't happen again.
Shut up.
Good morning,
Mr. President.
What's "Radio Shack Robbie" doing here?
And this other...
Ludlow Lamonsoff.
We've actually met before
but you wouldn't remember...
...because it was the back of Brenner's van,
and I was watching through the window.
You smell so nice,
like the Book of Genesis.
Mr. Lamonsoff and Mr. Brenner
have agreed to share...
Their video game expertise
with you and your team.
Happy to do it.
With all due respect sir...
...having civilians with zero security
clearance in this facility...
These civilians have better insight into
our current crisis
...than my entire administration.
I didn't know if I want to do it now.
She's being so mean.
I kinda want to leave.
- If he leaves, I leave. We're a team..
- Okay, stop.
- Is this how it's gonna be?
- You guys knock it off. Lead the way
Of course,
Mr. President.
So, have we made any progress, Colonel?
Enormous progress, sir.
We now understand that the entities that
attacked us are made of energy.
Intelligent Energy.
- Good morning, Colonel.
- Good morning, Michael.
Michael's a robot!
I think maybe the extraterrestrials
took what they saw in the orbiter...
...and recreated the same things
using light energy.
And then sent these light
creatures back at us.
That's why solid matter, bullets, and
missiles, won't harm them.
Can anything harm them?
Cubes we recovered in
Guam are normally pretty feisty.
Look at that!
He didn't like it though.
But they calm down pretty quick
when we hit them with...
...some supercharged light particles.
And the "Slut Seeking Missile"?
I would love to see that.
- Do you have that around here?
- You're so smart.
Yeah, you think so?
Is that how you got into
Mississippi Institute of Technology?
You know, I wish I never went into
that closet with you.
I was very happy
drinking and crying by myself.
I so regret trying to kiss you.
I would kiss the guy in the yacht a hundred
times before I would kiss you.
- Moving on.
- Yeah.
We've began instructing the Navy Seal task
force on the use of prototype weapons.
- What do we train for?
- War!
- Why do we fight?
- To win!
- When do we quit?
- Never!
- What do we train for?
- War!
- Why do we fight?
- To win!
When do we quit?
- Never!
Perhaps you expert advisers would like
to say a word to our CO?
Oh, boy.
...you have served this nation
with distinction...
...in combat zones in every nook and
cranny of this godforsaken world...
...defeating every enemy
they've thrown at you.
Hi, what's up?
I couldn't get a babysitter.
The President...
...has brought in these
two civilian arcaders...
...who we are required to listen to...
...for 120 seconds...
- I can't do this.
- You can do this.
- I can't do...
- ...now!
I'm can't do this!
You can't throw up!
We know how to do this, they didn't.
Just act the part.
Hi guys.
How are you? Hey, thank you, General Zod
for that beautiful intro.
Hey fellas.
Good to see you.
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Sam Brenner...
...and this is the wonder kid,
also known as...
Looks to me, Brenner...
Like someone forgot to send us
the best of the best. Oops!
And instead,
dropped off a bunch of incontinent...!
What am I looking at right now?
Are you guys soldiers
or cast of Magic Mike?
Are you here to fight
or dance naked?
From now on...
...you maggots, you little girl maggots...
...whatever the hell the form
of female maggot is.
You, magina!
When you magina poop your pants...
...you're gonna be thinking of me!
In your pants!
You know what I mean!
Do you feel me?
Do you feel me, sailor?
You beautiful Nubian man!
You gorgeous specimen
of what God can make!
Do you feel me?
I think you're about to feel him, Lud.
I can't move.
Let me help you.
Hey, come here.
Sorry, don't touch the guy,
sit down.
- Did I do good?
- You did awful.
Sit down.
Sorry about that, everybody.
I know it's weird.
Two buffoons like me and this guy
giving advice to you badasses.
But the truth is,
we've been trained.
Since childhood we have been training
our prefrontal cortex...
...to perform extremely
complex motor feats...
...with eye-hand coordination
unique to a very specific cognitive acuity.
I learned a lot of big words at the
dorm room drug parties.
All of it been meaningless
in all areas of our lives.
But suddenly it might be coming in handy
to saving our planet.
So we hope you guys can forget
about us being civilian morons...
...and let us teach you a few things,
in what little time we have.
I think we might help
you win this thing.
There's only one objective in "Asteroids".
That's to destroy every rock
and every saucer.
You don't want to get hit
by any of these boulders.
That's why I recommend
staying in the middle.
Just because you see a hammer
it doesn't mean "grab it."
You're not going to climb a ladder
with a hammer in your hand.
Good piloting, "Maverick"!
Don't lock on the radar!
It's fine son, it's fine.
You just blew up our entire planet.
Ain't no way Inky's catching up to you!
I want you to focus
mostly on ships.
Every 10,000 points you get
another triangle ship.
That's a good thing.
Still the master.
It's just like we were dating.
No distractions, just us.
And cake.
Go, big man. Settle down with
that butterscotch frosting.
What, too much? You know what?
You're not going to like what I do
with the rainbow sprinkles.
- Come on now!
- Will!
I love it!
Here comes the sprinkles monster!
Mr. President?
Yeah, Jennifer.
We've just received an alien transmission
from the "Where's the beef?" lady.
What did she say?
First of all she asked
"where the beef" was.
Then she said the next battle
was on after sundown tomorrow.
51-30'-29' latitude
0-9'-42 longitude...
Where is that?
Go! Go! Go!
Move! Move! Move!
Clear the area!
All of you, quick!
Come on, move it!
I said move it!
- So, what's this then mate?
- I got this. Hi.
We're Americans. Our Navy Seals were
given permission by your government...
To prepare for an
extraterrestrial invasion...
...which be believe will occur at these
coordinates in about 60 minutes.
We're shooting a beer commercial.
Ah, right then.
Break a leg then.
Woe, what was that?
Why did you lie to them?
Trying not to cause
total panic, Yank.
And you...
...I don't want to hear another
word out of you. Alright?
Walking wiener coat.
What's a "wiener coat"?
Madam Prime Minister, I can't thank you
enough for your cooperation on this.
Of course, Will.
I trust with the concord of
our powers...!
...We can duff up the jiggery pokery
of these blighters...
...and send them scuffling back
to the fascist fam they came!
I know, right?
Peg on!
I have no idea what she just said.
I just want to touch it.
Easy with those light cannons, gentlemen!
We don't have any backups.
These ray guns gonna work, Van Patten?
We had no way to field test them, sir...
...but our computer models show
a great likelihood of effectiveness.
"Great likelihood"? You're sending my men
into battle with untested ordinances?
I had two days to do things never done
before on this planet, sir.
Just remember who you're talking too,
Anybody who doesn't need to be here...
...follow me to the support area!
That means you two,
nipple twisters!
Move it!
Colonel, didn't worry.
They're gonna work.
The US military was attacked,
and what does President Cooper do?
Critics say: "Nothing".
That's not strictly true,
he made a cake.
I'm the sprinkle monster!
- Put that on pause, Sean.
- Thank you.
Turn it off.
My apologies, Will.
Just wanted to spend some quality time
with the wife.
Oh, I understand.
My husband says we don't spend the
time together like we use to.
So I took him to one of those
"Do it yourself" pottery studios.
He made me a, well: "Sexiest Prime
Minister" coffee mug.
Well. maybe he sees something
that nobody else does, you know?
Anything, Colonel Van Patten?
It's eerily quiet,
Mr. President.
In case it's "Space Invaders"
I just thought of something...
Please return to the support area!
There's a 5 + 1 formation,
If I need you, we know
where to find you, alright?
Now bugger-off.
Bloody geek.
It's "Centipede".
Okay boys,
do exactly what we talked about!
Kill each centipede
from the head down!
Do not hit him in the middle
or he will split in two!
No, no! Didn't we just say
don't split them in half?
Shoot for the head!
The mushroom things are in the way!
You shoot the mushrooms things
like the game!
Guys, every time he hits a mushroom,
he's gonna change direction!
My God! will you please find
the pattern and anticipate!
I didn't know the patterns!
Sergeant Duff.
12 clock!
What the hell kind of
beer commercial is this?
If I say it's
a beer commercial...
...it's a bloody beer commercial.
Get your bloody ass back here,
Shock and awe, baby!
High Score, alien trash!
You messed with the wrong planet!
From Land's End to John O'Groats!
- What the hell are you saying?
- I didn't know!
Hey, Ludlow! Grab a light cannon and
get out here now!
I need your help!
Me, no! Look at me!
I look delicious!
They'll gobble me up
like space "dim sum"!
It's level 2!
We're the only ones
who can do this!
Come on! You're the wonder kid!
You're no authority to dispense
weapons here, Mr. Brenner!
Mr. President?
Let the nerds take over.
What was that, sir?
Let the nerds take over!
Brenner's right.
I am the wonder kid.
This is the best time!
I have never been
happier in my life!
Okay, you can let go
of each other now.
Alright, you finish that.
I'll finish this.
It's been 30 years since I kicked your butt
and it's gonna happen again!
Move your arms!
Let's take it forward!
Now take it back!
- Enjoy!
- Hey!
Come back here!
Who are you, mister?
Son, I'm a just a loser who is
good at old video games.
Thank God for that!
Drinks on the US government!
Which is covering up the truth about the
Ancient Pyramid under the Hoover Dam!
You know you're all right,
You're alright too, snobby.
Are you going to nurse that all night long
or when are you going to start hitting it?
We defeat a few malformed belligerents
beer is fine.
If we defeat
a full on space invasion...
...I'm thinking something
a little stronger.
You're really challenging me t
o drink you under the table?
I'm not so sure you can, buddy.
I was the vodka shot holder
in my class at West Point.
One time I drank 15 milk shakes at Dennys.
We'll see what happens.
Where are my gamer guys, huh?
It looks like all that time you wasted when
we were kids is finally paying off.
- Yeah, baby.
- Alright!
Sir, may I affirm that
by pouring you a frosty?
The President can't be seen drinking
during times of crisis.
So nobody look!
Look the other way!
Inhabitants of earth...
you have won this battle,
Please accept one of our warriors
as a trophy of your victory.
The next challenge
It will not be easy.
The details will sent via
this signal shortly.
Remember, we are still leading
two battles to one.
One more loss for you will mean
the annihilation your world.
Good luck,
and may the best planet win.
You heard them.
Let's get back to work.
We've gotta get you guys ready
for your next battle.
Battle? Us? Huh?
This is like a regular thing now?
Remember when I told you you were
meant for something more in life?
This could be it, buddy.
There's nobody better than you.
...not at every game.
No no!
Never gonna happen.
Yo know he's right, Brenner.
We didn't even know
Where to find that idiot!
Eddie Plant married
and divorced four times.
Declared bankruptcy
in 1991 and 2004.
In 2005, he was caught hacking
cell phone companies...
...adding one of those fees you see
on your bill every month...
- ...but no one knows what it is.
- What a idiot!
He had about 15 million before he was
convicted and sentence to 20 years in prison.
Guards, get me out of here.
It's that mean Centipede killer!
I hope he don't zap me
with his space gun.
How are you, Eddie?
What's up second place?
Oh, and your sidekick here...
...The "Presi-donut".
I didn't know you could have
an approval rating so "cattastrophic".
- Okay Eddy, here's what we need.
- I know what you need.
You need the Fireblaster.
Who is the Fireblaster?
Me. That's my nickname,
Oh yeah, that's right,
the one you made up for yourself.
Yeah, who cares who made it up?
It's totally tubular!
See, this is why I don't think I can have
Brenner on my team.
He's just not really a gamer.
Take out your bag of quarters, pick a game.
I'll destroy you at it.
Oh, I'll pick a game, alright.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- No no, hey, hey, come on.
Sit down.
Okay, in exchange for helping us...
...I will personally speak to the parole
board about reducing your sentence.
- Pass.
- Pass?
That deal don't work
for Eddie Plant.
If you want the Fireblasters help,
he has some demands.
The "Bifocalblaster" is here,
by the way.
I want an island.
Oh, my God.
There are 18,617 named islands that are
part of United States, and its territories.
Not to mention all the countless
unnamed ones...
...like the soon to be called: "Edwahii".
You're not getting an island.
Then I want a full pardon.
I want to get out of here for good.
And after I do, I didn't want
to pay no taxes...
...like, forever.
And no sales taxes.
If I want buy some for instance gum...
...I want to flash a card
that says "I saved the world".
I didn't have to pay some shit sale taxes
for some gum.
And I want a stealth attack helicopter...
...so I can fly over the
Super Bowl, at my disposal...
...at all times,
so I can fly around.
If the world is still here,
I didn't want deal with traffic no more.
And lastly...
...I want you to set up
a romantic rendezvous...
...between Me, Serena Williams,
and Martha Stewart...
...in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Number 1. You're not getting a helicopter
or any sort of flying or driving vehicle.
Number 2. I'm pretty sure
the Federal government...
...can do without your income taxes,
and be fine.
And Number 3. If you help us
beat these things...
...I think we can get you out of here.
And Martha/Serena sandwich?
Pick one of them,
and we'll set up a coffee.
Serena Williams.
And we are closed.
It's happening tonight.
New York City.
Oh, forget about it!
Hello, Big Apple.
The cavalry has arrived.
Thanks for coming.
We saw how you guys
took care of the centipedes.
We hope you can do the same for us.
We hope so, also.
Well, what are we dealing with?
Over here.
...just tell them what you saw.
It was awful.
It was like one of those monster movies,
you know?
But this time...
...the monster was real.
And who was this monster?
Boom, that's my jam.
Let's get some light cannons,
and blow this sucker back to
whatever planet it came from.
No! Light cannons don't kill Pac-Man.
Those little ghosts do.
Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.
You want ghosts?
She's got ghosts.
We use the energy force field technology
from the cube...
...to develop four mini generators
for each of the cars. "Ghosts".
We're calling them
"XM950 Attack Modules".
Okay, we're calling them "Mini-ghost"...
because we'll never remember
what you just said.
Why are there four? There's only
three of us. Who is the fourth?
May introduce to you
Professor Toru Iwatani.
The creator of Pac-Man.
Do you speak Japanese?
Sir, what an honor. Thanks for all
the joy you brought to our lives.
Made your game my bitch!
What is...?
Don't worry about it,
he's a criminal.
- You alright?
- Yeah.
Okay, assuming they play by the rules
of the game like they did in "Centipide"...
...you guys hit Pac-Man 3 times with
the energy field, you win.
Ludlow's right. You do smell good.
- Good luck.
- Yeah
Gentlemen, I will be sending Pac-Man's
current coordinates to your GPS.
Let's locate and eliminate.
Come on guys.
Pac-Man's a bad guy?
Pac-Man is not bad!
I created him to bring joy
to all people of the world.
They've brainwashed him!
Deep down...
...He's kind, gentle...
...someone you can tell your troubles to,
or grab a hamburger with!
You'll see.
Professor Iwatani,
get back into the car!
Professor Iwatani,
what are you doing?
I will talk to him.
He's my son!
No, that's a bad idea.
...my sweet little boy.
Look how big you've grown!
I am so proud of you.
It's so sweet.
He's so sweet.
But all these destructive things
you're doing...
...it's wrong.
I am your father.
I know...
...you're a good boy.
Somebody kill that stupid bitch!
That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto
stuff right there.
Alright, losers!
Three on one!
Let's hit it!
Pac-Man's, faster
than I remembered!
Pac-Man always been faster
then the ghosts.
We're going to have to
outmaneuver his ass.
Wonder bro, you and
Silver Medal break off!
I'll stay with Big Yellow.
Woe Eddie,
how did you do that so fast?
Because I'm the champ,
Lt.. Long legs.
Whats up?
Oh yeah!
Good one, Eddie!
One down!
Two to go!
Okay, Pac-Man number two
just regenerated 4 streets north bound.
Turn east at the next intersection.
Brenner, go straight!
Got it.
Ludlow to the left.
Eddie, at the next intersection,
turn left.
We've got him!
There's no where to go!
Oh, God! No!
"Oh, God, what"?
He ate the power pellet!
Pac man has 10 seconds
where they can eat us!
Why me?
Oh, God, don't eat me! Don't eat me!
Please don't eat me!
Boys! Help!
I'm going to die a virgin!
Why are you doing this to me?
You've been brainwashed!
You're a good boy!
Ludlow, run!
Pump those legs, go!
That a boy, Eddie!
You just got "Fireblasted",
How the hell did he
get over there so fast?
Way to go, champ!
Aren't you glad you sprung me,
Second place?
Yeah, trilled.
One more to go
and it's happy hour.
So like, I guess they just leave, me here.
Now It's time for the hat trick.
Brenner, it's on you.
There are still three other
power pellets out there.
So, stay alert.
I've got this.
If I don't...
...the world ends.
I can't let that happen.
Come on, Brenner, come on.
Brenner, he's leading directly into
one of the power pellets!
Get out of there.
What the hell is he doing?
Dammit Brenner, I have a son
I would like to see grow up!
Three. You'll see your boy grow up!
Brenner, get out!
He's going to eat you!
You did! Brenner!
Way to go, buddy!
There he is!
Fireblaster, I love you!
Hey, guys!
Coming through. Going to
one of the heroes, sorry.
Check it out.
I think I might have found
our next trophy.
It's Q'bert.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Can I kill it?
Get to know him a little bit,
ask some questions.
Then we'll kill him.
- I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him.
- Bye!
Mr. President!
Please, Hal.
Mr. President, your approval ratings have
tripled since this crisis began.
Do you feel the heretofore
sanguine caused data...
...are tracking toward
an auspicious staining moment?
Shut up, Hal.
You're just using big words to
try to make him look like an idiot.
We love you, Mr. President.
Thank you for saving us.
Please didn't thank me.
It's Sam Brenner, and his team that have
brought us to the brink of victory.
And we understand that you're holding
a soiree in their honor.
Is that a good idea when
another attack my be imminent?
No need to worry.
They have their arcada uniforms on
underneath their tuxes...
...ready to go at a moments notice.
And for the record, Hal...
...I happen know what several
of those big words meant.
...I drank a few cold "sanguines"
on my last trip to Mexico.
Bite on that, Hal!
You! You! You!
I didn't know what would be worse.
Them failing...
...or them actually pulling this off.
Wife: What was that, Jim?
Can you shut up for five seconds?
We need to increase the rate of fire.
You've already calculated that in
your beautiful mind, didn't you?
There's no rhythm
or reason to this game.
Where are the patterns?
You get attacked out of left field.
Patterns? Is that why you were so
good with Pac man and Centipede?
You memorized the patterns?
The only way to beat these things.
Count the bullets, calculate the
speeds, crunch the numbers.
Where's the fun in that?
Oh, boy.
Why, what do you do?
You pretend you're the guy,
and you didn't want to die.
Yeah, that sounds cool, but it's
not gonna work every time.
That's why you have
your reset button.
We don't have those growing up.
The most violent game
I've ever seen.
I don't like it.
It isn't healthy for you.
It's fine, I can handle it.
I'm not talking to you,
I'm talking to homeboy.
So much blood!
Yeah, you know what
will cheer you up?
- A cheese ball.
- Yep.
Come on, suck one up.
Take a hand full.
That was smooth.
That was very smooth.
You know we should get
him some exercise...
...maybe throw him on the trampoline
for a little bit?
Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline!
Okay, how about me, and him do that,
while you go ask my mom
to the ball tomorrow night?
I'm not attracted to your mother.
Bull crap!
You're right, I am.
...finish these.
You're getting chubby.
Again! Again!
So I'm feeling obligated to make an
appearance to that thing tomorrow night.
I was wondering
when you got there...?
...possible you would like to hang out
with me while I was there?
- Like a date?
- Like a date, but... yeah.
I didn't know about that.
I'm a snob,
I have mental problems.
Well, you know, you are,
and you do but...
...I'm willing to overlook that
for the evening.
You will?
Um hmm.
Three, four.
Thank you, thank you.
Nice welcome for a change, huh?
Bring it down, Travolta,
bring it down.
They love you big man!
Good to see the respect, pal.
Well, looky here, Serena.
They threw me a big party
to thank me for saving the world.
And you get to stand next
to me all night!
- Champagne, sir?
- Thank you.
They promised me
an island if I did this.
I'm dying to met Sam's
new lady friend.
She's nothing.
It's just a little hanging out thing.
- Yeah, sure.
- Insurance.
Is she pretty, Will?
Define pretty.
I mean, you're pretty.
- Extremely pretty.
- Thank you.
She, I think, in the classical sense
of the word, is...
- Brenner, help me out here.
- You're doing great, keep going.
You know, she...
for military personnel, certainly...
You're the first lady...
She's a ten.
Hey, Brenner!
Hey, Brenner.
Excuse me for a second.
Come on Matty, let's Dance!
You look nice in a tux.
Green is officially my
favorite color now.
I have a question for you.
The President said I'm on call tonight,
so I can only have half a beer.
I know you like drinking out
of sippy cups, but...
...want to split a bottle with me?
What happened?
- You brush your teeth.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Alright, lead the way.
You got it.
Let's hear about Sinnamon.
What's she look like?
- Oh God, are you kidding?
- I want to know.
She's a husband stealing Pilates teacher.
She's hot!
And limber.
It doesn't matter.
Yes, actually it does!
She's not perfect though, right?
Girls like that who steals husbands...
...always got one thing wrong with them.
Come on.
Her forehead's too big?
- Mole on the chin?
- No.
- Two different nostrils?
- No!
I mean, her eyes.
Her eyes are a little far apart.
Kinda looks like a flounder.
There it is!
So tonight, your doppy ex-husband is going
to be looking into those eyes and saying:
"What kind of choice did I make?"
"I use to stare into the
most beautiful eyes I've ever seen...
...and now I'm stuck staring at
the fillet fish sandwich."
Did you say I have beautiful eyes?
While insulting the other chick.
That is really, really, really, good.
Thank you.
Can I have some of that?
No? I thought we were splitting?
You know?
Everybody likes:
"Brenner this" and "Brenner that."
But make no mistake, Fireblaster
is the leader of this crew.
Who's the Fireblaster, again?
Me, Serena! Alright, let me just
cut to the chase here.
Fireblaster been in prison for 8 years.
He hasn't been with a woman
since '05.
You're in for...
...the time of your life.
Even think of touching me, and I'm gonna
to smack you through the wall.
I'd have it no other way.
Should have gone with
Martha Stewart.
At least then I would have a tasty panini
cooked for me, or some shit.
So, what are you gonna do
after all this?
Are you gonna go back
to the Nerd Brigade?
Yeah. Yeah.
Probably. I mean...
what else would I do?
I think someone
with your skills...
...would be better off inventing
technology rather than installing it.
I don't know, of course I would love to
do something different.
You know, I had my shot...
...when I was a kid in the arcades.
...I blew it.
Yeah, I was thinking that maybe
my life would have been different.
Anytime I'm getting on a roll...
...or I feel like,
everything is going great...
...a giant ape throws
another barrel at me.
But.. it's all good...
...don't worry, "Hooyah".
Ladies and gentlemen, I proud to
introduce a special message...
...to the arcaders from P.S. 427...
...in New York City.
New York was in trouble.
Pac-Man caused a ruckus.
But the arcaders saved us.
Because they are brave sons of...
People of the earth...
...have violated
the rules of warfare, dude.
Violated the rules?
Because of this, you have forfeit,
and the planet is now ours.
Dudes, in 12 hours...
...we'll commence with the
all out destruction of earth.
After that, we sing this
about your precious planet
She's gone!
Oh, I better
learn how to face...
What the heck are they talking about?
Where are you going, Fireblaster?
Oh, hi kid.
I told Serena
I needed to get some air.
You know... I've only known her
half an hour and she's already...
" Mrs. Fireblaster this,
Mrs. Fireblaster that".
A cop fished these out of the river
the night you went in.
I was going to give them back to you,
I saw some interesting things
written on the inside of the lens.
The Pac-Man cheating code
for super speed.
- You're a cheater.
- So what?
Used cheats codes back in the day
to help me dominate.
So I figured why not use them
for the big show, and they worked.
You've been a cheater your whole life?
Only since I was 10.
That's how I beat your boy
Brenner at the world championships.
I owe everything I have to
these bitchin' shades.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
I thought we obeyed every rule!
You thought wrong, civilian!
We squandered our one chance on you!
A high fiber moment.
- But I swear...
- But nothing!
You heard Hall and Oates!
You blew it!
I've seen your files.
You've never accomplished
a dam thing in your life.
Brenner won two battles, Admiral.
That's two more than you.
I wouldn't get smart with me, colonel.
You were all over this sideshow that did
nothing but waste valuable time.
Sometimes I wonder if you not working
for the Martians, yourself!
Drop dead, Admiral.
You're done.
Alright guys, that enough. Listen, we tried
something, it didn't work.
What is that?
I can't believe they took Matty as a trophy.
I'm so sorry.
Well, there's gotta be
something we can do.
Where's Eddie?
Eddie, yeah. Crawled into a hole.
We'll never see him again.
Chewie won't take my calls.
Violet got the boot.
We're on our own, guys.
This seems like my planet.
No fun, no laughter.
Only war.
Wait a second. Q'bert is from there.
He knows all their secrets.
We were once a happy planet,
before you threaten us.
But we didn't threaten you.
You saw footage of old games.
They do not know they are games.
Why don't you tell them that Q'bert
and stop them?
It's too late.
And now the mothership is creating
millions of video game warriors...
...to destroy your planet.
Look, all we have to do is get inside
the mothership and try to stop them.
We can rescue Matty
while we're up there.
Up there,
you want to go up there.
I didn't know about that. You know they
took away our light cannons.
I don't think that's a good idea.
We have something better
than light cannons.
We have a positive,
can do attitude.
I'm kidding.
We are all going to die.
I'm just...
Are you sure you want to do this?
Maybe we could just find
another planet to live on.
Shut up, dude.
We're getting on that ship.
And the only way to do that is to
get directly under it.
That's the only way in.
Arcaders are coming,
don't worry!
Come on, come on, come on, go!
Stay with me!
Nobody is better at the
Crane Game then me!
What's with the disguise, buddy?
They tried to take me to some
underground bunker, so I went rogue.
Oh yeah!
Wonder kid, you've got to stay on the
ground. These people need protection.
Oh, thank God.
Live long, laugh much,
love often.
That's it.
That's not...
Back it up.
Thanks for being my friend.
Of course buddy,
I love you.
Let's go kick some ass.
Mr. President,
may I have a light cannon?
Don't tell anyone
I killed a smurf.
Hey! Get away from those kids now!
I spent most of
my formative years...
...trying to figure out a
way to bring you to life...
...all "Weird Science" style.
I used every birthday wish...
...every 11:11 on the clock...
...every little chicken wishbone
I could find and every ladybug.
I prayed for this.
But apparently,
you don't feel the same.
Okay, we're under it, Q'bert!
Now that?
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Q'bert the traitor...
...and his cheating friends.
Come to beg for a second chance?
You're in luck.
The boss wants to met you in person.
So come on up!
If you defeat him, you save your planet,
and destroy our warriors.
But if you lose...
See you on the other side.
You're so powerful,
just as I imagined.
You win! I'm not going to
fight you any more.
I know that you have love in your heart...
...and know that I could make you happy,
but if you need to kill me...
...you're just going to have to go ahead,
and kill me.
At least I die happy a happy man, knowing
I found true love.
And I couldn't even get a handshake
from Serena Williams.
Well, well, well.
Didn't think I would ever see you again.
He had to prove to myself, and the world
that I could do this without cheating.
You cheated?
Moving on.
Gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?
Where are we, Q'bert?
What is this place?
I didn't know.
But I'm scared.
What is that noise?
What the hell was that?
Donkey Kong.
One game you suck at.
Mom up here!
Where the hell is my momma?
We're coming for you, honey!
Oh no!
There's too many of them!
This way!
Only one way to beat this game!
Up the ladder, fast!
Q'bert, look out!
I can't do this!
There's no pattern!
Pretend you're the guy
and you didn't want to die!
I didn't want to die!
I couldn't even beat Eddie Plant!
Eddie Plant is a cheater!
That's why he was so good in New York!
He used cheats codes!
He did the same thing to you
went you were kids!
You know what that means, right?
I'm the Donkey Kong champion
of the world!
And the Donkey Kong champion
of the world doesn't need patterns.
Reset button!
Move, Chewie!
Mom look! Q'bert's not dead!
Help me, help me!
I'm pretty sure
he's dead, Matty.
Okay, fine.
What? No!
Violet, get out of there!
Look out!
We're trapped!
Grab on to my mighty hammer.
You loved saying that.
Yes I did.
Brenner! Whatever you're doing,
please hurry up!
I have been waiting
to do this since 1982.
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Oh God!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
You were so awesome down there!
You're my second favorite president.
You know Obama is still my man, right?
Oh, okay.
We won!
No more taxes!
We did it, baby!
We did it!
No, no!
Lady Lisa!
Eddie, I never thought
I would see you again.
Brenner, I want to say I'm sorry for
cheating back when we were kids...
...and for cheating again more recently.
Hey, I'm not going back to
prison for that, am I?
No, but you need to admit to Brenner
that he is the best in the world.
No way.
...you are the best...
...in the world...
...at Donkey Kong.
That's right, I am.
Ludlow. What's the matter, buddy?
I finally got the one thing I wanted...
...and now I'm back to being all alone.
Lady Lisa, she made an appearance.
And while you guys were out saving
the world, it kind destroyed his.
That horrible.
It's just... why does he get to stay?
Why are you still here?
I'm sorry.
Q'bert's a trophy.
And I guess we get to keep the trophies.
Q'bert, what is it?
What no one else is weirded out by this?
That was just Q'bert!
- Mr. President! Please!
- Yeah, Renee.
Mr. President,
Are we out of danger?
Yes, in fact,
I am pleased to announce...
...I have brokered a peace treaty
with the alien invaders.
This peace is due to, and only die to...
...the bravery of the arcaders...
...who against all odds,
stepped up, and saved us all.
Eddie Plant...
...Ludlow Lamonsoff...
...Sam Brenner...
...And Lt. Col.
Violet Van Patten...
...are American heroes.
World heroes.
World hero?
I guess you're not a "nerd" any more.
You didn't want me to
stop being a nerd, ever.
Why is that?
It's like I said,
nerds are the greatest kissers.
I will be the judge of that.
Hey kids, daddy's home!
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
...Daddy! Daddy!