Play the Game (2009) Movie Script

Step one:
First you need to identify
your target.
How about her?
No, she's not planning on
taking anything
home with her tonight.
What about that
hottie down there?
Not buying.
How about this guy?
But he looks like the type of
guy that would lowball me.
Service manager,
line three.
Service manager,
line three.
She's the one.
I bet I'll have her sold
in less than five minutes.
Come on.
Not only that,
I'm gonna sell
her the flame car.
No way.
Watch this.
Yes, Mrs. Kennedy,
I realize it's the only one
in the city, and that is why
I'm holding it for you.
You are going to
make it stylish
for women to drive cars
with flames on them.
Exactly, more chic
than women smoking cigars.
I promise you I will not
sell it to anyone else.
You're very welcome.
I'll see you in
half an hour.
All right.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me
about this car here?
You got her digits, too,
didn't you?
I don't know
how you do it.
Hate to admit it, man,
but it's my dad.
That's why
he owns the place.
Hey, your dad's got
about a dozen more
flame cars in the back.
You care which color I bring
out next to the showroom?
Your call.
Good to see you,
Mrs. Cranston.
David, I missed you.
I missed you, too.
I'm surprised you remember
how to find the place.
Where is he?
He's in
the game room.
He's expecting you.
You two haven't
spoken in how long?
And you think I'm just
gonna let you show up
and surprise him?
I hear you're gonna drag my
husband out again tonight.
Yup, just gonna
play a little poker
at the dealership
with the boys.
That's on his list of approved
activities, isn't it?
Don't even try
and play me
like you play your little
bimbos, okay?
Rob already caved.
I know all about
your plans.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm sure you're gonna find
quality ladies at...
What's the name of
that club Rob told me?
I think it was Imagine.
And we're going to
a nicer club this time.
To find nicer bimbos?
He's married, David.
Stop dragging him
to these things.
Hey, hey, I've been trying to
get a hold of you, David.
I think he had a mild
stroke about an hour ago.
What, what?
Oh, my... oh, my God.
Oh, Grandpa!
Oh, Grandpa.
Hey, Grandpa, can your hear me,
are you all right?
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this.
I'm so sorry, Grandpa.
You were like
a father to me.
I love you so much.
Da... vid...
Da... David, yeah.
Grandpa, it's me,
it's David.
I got you, yes.
Of course you've got me,
I'm right here.
I got you!
You sick son of a bitch.
I can't believe
you did that.
I can't believe
you fell for that.
You think they'd just leave
me sitting out here
after I just
had a stroke?
All right,
this was a bad idea.
No, no, no, don't go.
I'm sorry,
it was a bad joke.
I'm sorry.
But I gotta say,
it was nice having the old
David back for a moment
and hearing
such nice things.
There's no old David.
Okay, it's just me.
Well, how have you been?
Fine... you?
Oh, my dentures
don't fit
and I'm growing a bunion.
But I ain't got
So I guess
I can't complain.
It's these others
who are sick.
It's depressing.
I hope I don't look like
that when I'm their age.
You're 84,
you are their age.
They're in their 90s.
Hell, that guy over there
I think's 150.
He knows too much
about the Civil War.
You still in that
crappy job of yours,
selling cars with
your dad?
Play some chess
like the old days?
Do you know
what today is?
She was my wife,
Of course I know.
It's been two years,
Carrie tells me that
you don't talk to anyone.
You sit around
sad all day.
You can't
go on like this.
I'm lost without her.
Sometimes it's hard to
get through the day.
I can't take it anymore.
You know, last week,
I almost tried to end it.
- Off myself.
- That's not funny.
Don't you wanna
know how?
Straight razor.
I figured, well,
if I'm gonna go,
it's got to be
A big, bloody mess.
All right, enough,
Grandpa, okay.
This has
gone on far too long.
It's time that
you started
socializing with women.
Oh, no,
I'm too old.
Grandma told me you
promised her.
Yeah, I did.
And I never broke a promise
to that sweet woman.
And I tried,
but I just couldn't.
Well, I promised her
something, too.
That I would
help you keep your promise
to her if you
Well, I'm gonna help you.
You're gonna help me?
Who's gonna help you?
No offense, David,
but you never were
a real Rudolph Valentino
with the women.
Actually, Grandpa, you might
find this hard to believe,
but over the past few years,
I've become quite
the chick magnet.
Yeah, that is hard for me
to believe.
What are you
doing tonight?
Oh, I got big plans tonight.
"60 Minutes" is doing an
Andy Rooney retrospective.
Well, you can record it.
Because, like it or not,
we're going out.
- We are?
- Yup.
If you wanna win
the game with women,
you first have
to learn
how to play the game.
I'm gonna teach you
every trick I've got.
Where are we going?
Well, if you wanna
meet women...
you go where
the women meet.
Yo, Sergio.
I need two drafts and a glass
of hot water with lemon.
So... I saw your wife
at the home today.
Lovely as usual.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You went with
the poker story, right?
Yeah, and she told me
you caved already.
Please say
you didn't tell her.
You know how she hates
when I go rolling
for honeys with you!
She told me you
caved already!
Oh, what?
You idiot, I didn't cave.
You caved!
Oh, she... she totally
played you.
Damn it.
Damn it.
There you go.
All right.
What are you expecting,
a flood?
Come on.
There you go.
You okay there?
No, I don't have
I'm avoiding them.
Did you know the average
person experiences
over three "G"s of pressure
in their butt
as they sit down?
Uh, no,
no, I didn't know that.
Yeah, the slower you sit,
the less "G"s.
The way I do it, it's like
I'm sitting on the moon.
That's fascinating,
Mr. Ward.
You're full of
interesting factoids.
The Discovery Channel
never lets me down.
And not only that...
I was an apprentice to
Harry Houdini back in the day.
It's true, David.
I was in
the tank with him
at the Shelton for
his last show.
He taught me
everything he knew.
The secret to the
milk-can escape...
Are you ready to
get to work, Grandpa?
Oh, yes, sir.
- Ready and waiting.
- Okay, good.
Step one...
Step one:
First you need to
identify your target.
I go for a nice-looking,
intelligent girl
who I think can keep up
with me intellectually.
What about her?
Nice, but she's
drinking red wine,
and I like this shirt
way too much.
I give up on the nice girl
and go for the hot chick.
What? Metamucil?
Oh, forgive me.
Where are my manners?
Oh, that's...
Oh, no, no, no...
Okay. Cool.
Oh. There.
All right, now,
step two:
the approach.
You have to meet her,
or, more accurately,
you have her meet you.
Planned spontaneity,
That's the name of the game.
You gotta have her thinking
that she discovered you.
If she knows you're
pursuing her, it's all over.
- Excuse me.
- Oh!
Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.
That jerk-face.
Sure it's childish.
But if you find a woman
drinking club soda,
the shirt
practically cleans itself.
Here, let me buy you
a drink.
- All right.
- Come on.
Step three:
the buildup.
You gotta get her
interested in you.
And that's easy.
You just show her
how smart you are.
You know, I never understood
why this salt thing
takes out stains.
Well, salt is actually
sodium chloride
and the water from the stain
the molecule's ionic bonds,
which releases energy
and cleans the stain.
Sometimes you gotta
make stuff up.
But if you
say it with confidence,
it's safe to assume they're not
gonna look it up
to see if you're right.
Sergio, Sergio.
Step four:
the follow-through.
Just in case things don't
go well that night,
always have some
reason to see her again.
David, I almost forgot.
You won a sweet item from
the charity raffle last month.
Thank you, that's great.
It's dinner for two
at Charlie Trotter's.
This is my mom's favorite
She'll be so excited.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh, no, it expires
on Sunday
and she's
out of town this weekend.
This sucks.
Hey, you know what...
she can't use 'em, there's no
use letting 'em go to waste.
Would you like to go?
Sure, I'd love to.
Just take somebody who
appreciates good food.
This move is like
the Jedi mind trick.
"Why don't you
go with me?
They're your certificates."
Well, hey, they're
your certificates.
Why don't you go with me?
And the most important step?
Step five:
the Groucho effect.
Groucho Marx once said,
"I wouldn't
belong to any club
that would have me
as a member."
Well, it was very nice
meeting you, Susan,
and I look
forward to dinner.
Leaving so soon?
If you show interest
in a girl too soon,
if she gets into
the club too easily,
she thinks she can
do better.
You know what?
I promised my girlfriend I
would try and stop by tonight.
Your girlfriend?
But if you make her work
to get into the club,
she thinks she's
lucky to get you.
Why don't you stay for just
one more glass of wine?
You know what?
I'd love to,
but I really shouldn't.
It's extremely difficult
and a bit of a gamble.
But if you have patience
and play the game right,
it pays off.
Come on.
One more glass isn't
gonna kill you, is it?
And when she fills your
wine glass
slightly more than hers,
it means she wants to take
advantage of you.
That's when
you know you've won.
Game over.
Watching you
in action last night,
David, was amazing.
Just amazing.
Rob get you home okay?
Forget about me.
I wanna hear
what happened with you.
Well, let me
put it this way.
Look what I'm wearing.
It's the same clothes
I wore last night.
Well, I'll be glad to pay
for some new clothes
if things are
a little tight.
No, I didn't
change clothes
from last night.
Talk about lazy.
Think, Grandpa.
Why didn't
I change clothes?
Oh, you devil, you!
All right, all right.
Step one:
Do you know what kind of
woman you wanna meet?
Yeah, your grandmother.
Let me explain
something to you, David.
I'm not gonna
waste my time
on just anybody.
I have needs,
you see.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Are you...
are you saying that
you can still...
do the wild thing?
The what thing?
That you're still
able to... perform.
On stage?
In bed.
No way.
Are you kidding?
That thing died years
before your grandmother did.
Should have had it amputated
for all the good it does.
So then what
are these needs?
A man needs the real McCoy.
The only thing
that matters.
What, brains?
Have you ever had a companion
in your life, David?
Sure, I've dated
lots of girls.
Oh, horse feathers.
I mean a real
Mmm, how would I know?
There's only two ways to know
she's your real companion.
You either know it
when you meet her,
or know it
when you lose her.
Your companion is a woman
you care about.
A woman you could
call your best friend.
A woman you could tell
anything to.
A woman whose hand
you really want to hold.
That's the first time we held
hands as man and wife.
We didn't let go for
four hours and 23 minutes.
I timed it.
But eventually
nature called,
and I had to let go.
Your great-grandmother served
fried chicken at the reception
that went through me
like a racecar.
But the point is,
that's what
your grandmother was to me.
The old bearcat.
Companion, huh?
That's what
it's all about.
And that's what I need.
Oh, shoot.
Where are you going?
I'm so... I gotta
get to work, Grandpa.
Dad's gonna kill me.
Well, are you
coming back to help me?
I already taught you
everything you need to know
about meeting women.
You just gotta
do it now.
Will I see you again,
I don't know.
Soon, okay?
I'll see you soon.
I don't care
if it's on hold.
Take it off hold...
I got cash.
I want this
flame car today.
Pick up line two.
Abby in the loan department.
Sold another flame car.
Sign it.
How's the profit
on this one?
you have the gift.
Like that thing you do with
the customer where you say,
"Oh, I'm sorry,
you can't have this car".
I mean, that's beautiful.
It's like you have
a sixth sense
for reading and closing.
How's your grandfather?
Oh, you think
I'm an idiot.
You buy him a place in
a retirement community,
then he ignores you
all this time,
and you come back
with an olive branch?
Even your mother,
God rest her soul,
she wouldn't want you to have
anything to do with him.
All right, thanks
for the advice, Dick.
Like I've told you, David.
When it's just the two
of us here at work,
you can call me Dad.
Okay... Dick.
Okay, bye.
So not only did you blow
"the poker night
with the guys" story,
but your grandfather
told Carrie
all the details
about last night.
Hey, listen.
I have only two joys
in this life.
One is watching you be
the bachelor that I never was,
and the other is being
the pro football quarterback
that I never was.
You realize
how sad that is?
Carrie is freaking out.
And now both
my joys are at risk.
She's not gonna play
football tomorrow.
I'm sorry, man.
No, no,
no need to apologize.
Because, as punishment for
screwing up,
you're gonna sub for
her in tomorrow's game.
Oh, come on.
Yes, you are.
Teams three and ten,
game on!
Okay, guys, let's do this.
James, you got
a scouting report?
The ref called
the wrong team.
We're not even supposed to
play these guys.
So I don't
have any info.
Okay, let's see what
these guys are made of.
Joanie, down and out.
David, fake
and go long.
All right, let's go,
let's go.
You're covering me?
No, I didn't mean
anything sexist.
I just wanna confirm,
you're covering me?
You know, I bet I'm better at
this game than you are.
I don't think so.
What is that?
I think so.
Oh, your elbow's bleeding.
Oh, it's a little
Yeah, you know, it's like
a bruise and an abrasion.
It's a new word just released
by Webster's last week.
Didn't get the memo.
You will,
I'm on the committee.
You sound very bright.
Oh, yeah, I'm Mensa.
Graduated eighth
in my class.
Huh, I was seventh.
If you wanna
meet women,
go where the women meet.
Um... top...
top of the morning
to you, ma'am.
How are you today?
I'm good.
Can I help you?
My name's Joe.
And I was wondering,
I was wondering
if you'd like to
have lunch, talk a bit and...
Oh, how sweet.
How old are you, Joe?
Uh, I'm 79.
Well, I'm very
flattered, Joe.
But I'm sorry.
I don't
date older men.
Older men?
We might have
some fun for a while.
But sooner or later,
you would get sick,
and I'll be the one
that has to take care of you
and eventually decide
whether or not
to take you
off of life support.
Been there, done that.
I've earned my
inheritance already.
But now that's too much
pressure for me.
Now if you will excuse me,
I'm late for
a game of mah-jongg.
You're covering me?
Seventh in your class, huh?
Quick, what's
the capital of Zambia?
Who's Bobby Brady's
first kiss with?
But very good question.
King of England, 1630.
- George V.
- Very impressive.
You don't even know the answers
to these questions.
I certainly do.
James II was king
in 1630.
I'm open!
Go, Julie, go, go, go,
go, go, go!
Game over!
Blue team wins it.
Let's move.
All right, Blue!
Yeah, nice pass.
Way to show
her who's boss.
She's a fast one,
isn't she?
Nice rack, too.
- Overthrow me?
- With pleasure.
My bad.
Here you go.
Thank you, come again.
Next time, huh?
I gotta go.
Thank you.
Oh, Rose.
Over here, honey.
That's my boyfriend.
I've gotta go.
A rose for Rose.
Let's go.
Hey, can we play
team three today?
Sorry, bro,
schedule's set.
This job gets better
and better every week.
Ingenious plan.
I guess it didn't include her
not showing up, did it?
She ain't here.
We're gonna kill them.
Hey, I guess we're
playing you guys again.
I wonder how that
happened, man.
I don't know.
Too bad you guys are
missing that superstar girl
you had last week, huh?
- What was her name?
- Julie Larabee.
Julie Larabee,
that's right.
Hey, listen,
we need a sub next week.
Do any of you guys
have her number
or an address or something?
Sure, just get a hold of me
after the game, all right?
Good luck, buddy.
6:00 in the morning?
Every morning
like clockwork.
Excuse me, ma'am.
The tables are filling,
so do you mind if
this gentleman joins you?
How nice.
And how are you
this fine evening?
I'm nice.
And you?
Well, fantastic
now that I've
had the opportunity
to meet a lady as lovely
as yourself.
You are too nice.
I'm Maxine.
What's your name?
I'm Joe.
And I'm from Hyde Park,
Oh, that's nice.
My cousin Myrna
lives in Rogers Park.
It's very nice.
You know...
you are very
Thank you.
I'm Maxine.
What's your name?
I told you.
It's Joe.
Where are you from, Joe?
Hyde Park.
Oh, that's nice.
My cousin Myrna
lives in Rogers Park.
Good morning, ma'am.
I'm sorry, dear.
I just can't
do it.
I'm... I'm just too old.
I know I promised you,
and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This is my home, you can't
just break in here, David.
Actually, I own the place,
so, technically,
it's my home.
And what did
you expect me to do
when you leave a message on
my machine saying good-bye?
I can't do it, David.
I can't take it
I'm done.
You're not done, okay?
You're just afraid of
getting hurt.
You're damn right
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Getting hurt hurts.
I'd rather feel lonely
than to feel this way.
It's just not worth it.
No, it is worth it.
No, it's not,
not for me.
You just need to get more
in your element, okay?
Ditch that old brown suit
that I know
you're wearing,
go and shop for some
new clothes.
You know, get
a little more casual.
And then, find the right place
to look for the ladies.
Will you help me then,
Look at you.
Grandpa, you the man.
You a player now.
You lookin' sick,
you lookin' dope.
Why the hell would you
dress me like a dope?
All right, so you see
anybody interesting?
What about her?
Isn't she a bit...
large for you?
Not the brunette,
the blond.
Oh, uh, I think
the blond might be
a little advanced
for you, Hef.
Why don't we try
and find someone
a bit more your
own age?
How about her?
Another rose for Rose.
You stole that rose.
You could go to
jail for that.
Well, that's a risk
I'm willing to take.
That mean you won't
accept it?
Well, I just worry about
what will happen to us
when the police come.
Well, we'll
fight 'em off
like Bonnie and Clyde.
Bonnie and Clyde?
That's a deal.
Oh, listen, I never got your
name when we first met.
It's Joe,
and I'm delighted to
meet you again.
Nice to meet you, too.
Please excuse me.
Have a beautiful day.
She's got a boyfriend.
I noticed.
Thought I was gonna have to
step in and break up
a fight for
a second there.
All right, come on,
shake it off.
How about her?
Down and up.
And up.
Good, good, good.
Okay, um...
All right, listen.
The delt machine's
next on her circuit,
so get over there and do
just like we planned.
The wh... wh...
what machine?
Next to the rhomboid
Just go, go over there.
All right, Edna,
that was awesome.
Oh, thanks.
You rock.
There's somebody
on the delt machine,
so I'm just gonna
grab another cup
and I'll meet you
at the bike, okay?
- Hey!
- So sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right, I'll live.
I'm Joe.
Hey, Joe, I'm Edna.
How late?
Really late.
All right, what night
does she go?
Don't know.
Depends on when she runs
out of clothes, I suppose.
Very dirty clothes.
Call me.
You're embarrassing me,
What the...
I want you to get out there
and sell me some cars.
Hey there.
What's this?
Uh, our laundry.
Carrie figured you might
as well be productive
while you're stalking
your woman at the Laundromat.
Oh, and, uh, make sure you
wash Carrie's stuff
on the delicate cycle.
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Uh, hi there.
Um, I think your
wash is done.
Thanks, Julie.
Nice bra.
Excuse me?
Your bra, I like it.
It's very sexy.
Oh, no, no,
this... I... I...
There's no explanation
I'll just let my
imagination run wild.
It's my girlfriend's.
I'm sure it is.
I was beginning to think I was
the only late-night washer.
You know,
there's fewer people.
No waiting for machines.
No one finds out you're
a cross-dresser.
That too.
I'm David.
Hi, David.
It's nice to meet you.
Uh, custom dictates this is
where you jump in
and you tell me your name.
But somehow you
already know my name.
When I woke you up, you said,
"Thanks, Julie".
Yeah, of course.
No, I... yeah,
when I, um...
Yeah, no, actually now,
we have met before.
I'm a little hurt
you don't remember.
That's right.
Oh, my God, silly.
We met at Victoria's Secret
when you were buying
that beautiful bra.
Actually I buy
my lingerie mail-order.
It's more discreet
that way.
So... where have we met?
a couple weeks ago?
That's right.
You were Mr. Trivial Pursuit,
trying to stump me.
Well, um, it's nice
to meet you, David.
Nice to meet you,
Boxers or briefs?
Oh, I forgot.
It's panties.
Actually, um, right now,
I'm commando.
Wow, impressive.
I know.
All right, um,
Ernie or Bert?
I never really had a thing
for long, yellow, oval heads.
I see, you're partial
to the squashed,
orange flat heads.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, me too.
Snickers or Milky way?
Oh, neither.
The Curly Wurly.
It's the most
amazing candy.
I have to
import it from...
- England.
- England.
What are the chances?
Guess it's time to
bring out the big guns.
Top or bottom?
Well, you weren't
Um, top.
Yeah, I always,
always start
my teeth on the bottom.
Your teeth?
What did you think
I was talking about?
Oh, my gosh,
that is terrible.
What kind of girl do
you think I am?
Oh, come on,
that's not fair.
Who said anything about
playing fair?
I'm gonna
go to the bathroom.
Oh, good,
the dryers are done.
Oh, perfect.
That's weird.
My clothes are still wet.
Weird, mine, too.
Ah, I hate these machines.
I guess we'll
have to run 'em again.
Oh, well.
I think being
a graphic designer
helps me to be
more creative.
It sounds like a really
cool, rewarding job.
I'm jealous.
Well, I'm sure being a car
salesman's pretty rewarding.
I mean, I'm sure you've
helped a lot of people
buy their first car
and given them a huge
sense of independence.
Oh, it's not like that.
Why not?
It's a big game.
I read people's
I make them think
they're getting something
they don't deserve,
and then I convince them to
spend more than they should.
Can't you just sell them
a car they can afford?
I could, and then my dad
would fire me.
Well, isn't there any other
job you'd find rewarding?
I was actually
studying to get my masters
in health-care administration,
and then right before
I finished,
my grandmother died,
and my grandpa
sort of fell apart,
so I had to buy him a condo
in a retirement community.
Oh, yeah,
I know how that is.
We had to put my grandma in
a retirement community
for the same reason.
She just couldn't
take the isolation.
Anyway, to afford
the mortgage,
I had to go back to
selling cars with my dad.
Well, why didn't your dad
just pay for it?
Well, my dad left my mom
and me when I was eight,
right before she died,
so my grandpa and him don't
get along all that well.
Or at all.
But when I needed the money,
my dad really came through
for me with the job.
How'd your grandfather
like that?
Well, he got all upset
because he thinks my dad's
a bad influence on me.
He's probably right.
And we stopped
talking for a while.
I have been looking
for these for weeks.
They're, uh, gift certificates
to my girlfriend's
favorite restaurant.
They expire on Sunday
and she's out of town
until Monday.
That sucks.
Hey, you know what?
She's not gonna
use them.
There's no use
letting them go to waste.
Would you like to go?
That's so nice of you
to offer.
Just make sure
you take somebody
who really appreciates
good food.
You know...
Thanks, David.
It's really
nice of you.
Well, that's it for me.
Well, David,
it was nice to meet you.
It was nice to meet you.
Hey, uh, Julie.
Have a good night.
Good night.
So did you come up with
a reason to see her again?
I found out her favorite
movie star is Rita Hayworth.
I already talked to the girl
that plans movie night.
You're a genius.
As soon as the movie arrives,
I'm gonna call Edna...
No, Grandpa.
You have to wait
until she calls you.
Take it from the genius.
Well, it sounds
like the genius
just stuck his big, fat
head up his ass.
In my day,
no respectable woman
would ever call
a man, ever.
Well, it isn't
your day anymore.
The rules of the game
have changed.
Oh, applesauce.
You're all wet.
Trust me, Grandpa,
I know
what I'm doing.
I finally met that girl
that I've been after.
Did you find out her
favorite movie star?
That one works
like a charm.
No, I stole her panties.
You what?
What kind of
sicko move is that?
Is that how I raised you?
It was a fair trade.
I planted a pair of jeans
in her laundry.
so now you're
wearing the panties
and she's wearing
the pants.
Oh, great.
Stupid, dumb,
idiot plan.
- How were your steaks?
- Oh, delicious, thanks.
Could we pay
with these?
Of course.
Enough already.
I haven't left my damn room
in three days.
Uh, hi, Edna.
It's Joe.
Hello, Joe.
I'm glad you caught me.
Um, I was just
running out the door
to the store for
some milk.
Well, uh...
I... I... I see that...
that "Gilda"
is playing on Monday,
and I know that Rita Hayworth
is your favorite,
and I wondered if, uh,
well, it might
be good
if, uh, if you
wanted to, to see...
see that talkie with me,
if you wanted to.
It's at 2:00 on Monday.
Well, let me
check my calendar.
Well, Joe, um...
I think I'm free.
I'll see you then.
Your package is here.
Well, hello, Mr. Trivia.
I have something that
I think belongs to you.
You cross-dressing men
just can't help yourselves,
can you?
Yeah, they were cute,
but they didn't fit.
So... hey, did you find
a pair of my girlfriend's
jeans in your laundry?
Mm-mm, no.
- You didn't?
- Mm-mm.
Are you sure?
They were, uh, blue
with red flowers on them?
No, but if they turn up,
I'll let you know.
Sorry, I just got a call.
I've got to go into work
today, Dollface.
I'm off like
a bride's nightie.
David, this is my
boyfriend, Paul.
Paul, this is David.
David is the only other
person in the city
who does his
laundry at night.
Oh, David!
Yes, it's an absolute pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
Oh, and thanks dearly
for the lovely prezzies
of gift certificates.
Charlie Trotter's
has an absolutely scrummy
fish and chips indeed.
Glad you enjoyed them.
Well, I've got to run,
you little minx.
I'll see you later tonight
for a little more
crazy Muskrat love?
Okay, yeah.
Uh, well,
I guess that means
you'll have to entertain
me today.
Are you free?
Um, yeah.
All right, cool.
I'm... I'm just gonna change,
and I'll be right out.
Thank you for inviting me
to the movie, Joe.
I had a lovely time.
It's my pleasure.
I love a good
Oh, me too.
Rita Hayworth was
wonderful in this.
Yes, she was.
You know...
uh, Edna... I, uh...
I... I... I like...
spending time with you.
I mean, I like...
well... you.
Oh, Joe,
I like you too,
very much.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
No, wait a minute,
wait a minute,
there's more, there's more.
Not... not only does
she have a boyfriend,
but he's, like, 50 years old,
with gray hair,
lousy teeth,
nasty BO, and a bald spot.
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
very funny.
All right, enough.
So what's my strategy?
Ah, buddy-buddy
all the way.
What the hell is
If Julie knows
that David wants her,
she's gonna avoid him because
she doesn't wanna feel like
she's cheating
on her boyfriend.
But as her buddy,
I'm not a threat,
so we get to spend
quality time together.
Before she knows it, she's
more attracted to me
than her boyfriend.
And that is
the end of the story.
No, it's not!
David, you need to grow up.
Don't you realize that girls
know when you're playing them?
Don't ask me how,
but they do.
They know.
And you!
I am so fed up
with your crap.
You're gonna have to decide
if you wanna be a divorced
bachelor with him
or a husband to me.
All right?
What about making that
Wednesday night laundry gig
a regular thing?
What, so after a big
Tuesday night
of wild muskrat love
with her antique
British boyfriend,
I can help wash the evidence
out of the sheets?
No, thank you.
- Hemorrhoids.
- Ahh.
Preventing hemorrhoids.
It lowers the "G" forces
on your tushie.
Joe taught me that.
So, um, what home
do you guys live in?
Oh, we're in the Lakewood
Retirement Community.
Are you serious?
My grandma lives there.
Yeah, I'm... I'm always
going to visit her.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, her name's Rose.
I know her.
Now I see where you get
your good looks.
We'll all have to
get together some time.
That would be wonderful.
Um, David,
did you know
that Joe is a wonderful
Um, no, Edna.
I did not know that.
Oh, yes.
Your grandmother
taught him well.
I can't wait to find out
what else she taught him.
how long have
you two been dating?
Oh, no,
we're not dating.
David, he's... he's like
a brother to me.
A brother?
You mean, like a brother
from Kentucky, right?
That way, you guys
could fool around, right?
Why are you getting yourself
all worked up
- over this one girl?
- Why?
I don't know,
I don't know.
Because she's...
she's cute and...
and I kind of like her,
and I'm blowing it!
Would you just please
tell her how you feel?
- Trust me on this one.
- No!
No, what I gotta do is
turn things up a notch.
Rob, are you interested in
playing a little
poker tonight?
No, I can't.
Carrie and I
are spending some
husband-and-wife time
Playing Scrabble.
Please tell me "Scrabble"
is code for having sex.
it's just Scrabble.
I got the girl to
show another
Rita Hayworth
talkie tonight.
You interested?
Oh, let's just have
dinner instead, Joe.
Is that okay?
Joe... Joe!
So nice to
see you again.
Well, hello again.
I met your
granddaughter the other day.
She and my grandson
are close friends.
Like brother and sister,
she said.
Well, if they're
brother and sister,
then that should make us
their grandparents.
I suppose it would!
Imagine, all this time we've
had the same grandkids,
and we didn't
know about it.
Imagine that.
Joe, we're going to
be late.
Yes, we're late, too,
- Late for what?
- Late for what?
I... I... I'll see you
at the family reunion.
I'll bring
the potato salad.
You've been dating
three weeks?
How come you
never told me?
Ah, we just started
getting serious
and I'm really into her.
Well, I'm sure
she's into you, too.
I don't know.
You know, it's tough
to tell.
Wait, you've never
talked about it?
Amanda, come here.
David, she's beautiful,
she could be a model.
I know, she is a model.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Amanda, this is,
uh, Julie.
It's so nice
to meet you, Julie.
I've heard such nice things
about you.
How are you?
- Hmm, good, I'm good.
- Good.
I hope you're hungry.
Edna's tired of
kissing me.
Aw, I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I told you you
shouldn't have laid it all
on the table like that.
You can't let them know
your true feelings so soon.
Why does she say she doesn't
wanna see you anymore?
She wants to
see more of me.
Well, what's
the problem then?
She wants to
see all of me!
She wants me to perform
with her.
On stage, I hope.
In bed.
Well, does she
know that
you can't... you know?
Are you kidding?
No way.
She assumes
I'm a virile young man.
Are you sure
she assumes that?
If she finds out the truth,
it'll get around
the home in hours.
I'll be the laughingstock
and I'll never find anybody.
I just wanted some
I can't believe
this is happening.
I can't believe
my grandpa's
getting more
action than I am.
I broke up with Paul.
Oh, Jul,
I'm so sorry.
How are you doing?
What happened?
Seeing you with Amanda
really affected me.
It did?
Yeah, I just... you guys
seemed so happy together
and there was so much
I got a little jealous.
You did?
I realized there's no passion
with me and Paul,
and I realized why.
Because he's 60?
Because I think I'm interested
in someone else.
He's funny
and smart and cute.
But he just started seeing
someone else,
so I don't
know what to do.
Just tell him.
I don't know,
it's complicated.
- There's...
- What are you afraid of?
Just be honest
with your feelings.
I'm sure he likes you.
David... you are the most
amazing friend
a woman could ever ask for.
You're so right.
I'm gonna tell him.
As soon as I walk
into work tomorrow,
- I'm just gonna tell him.
- Whoa, work?
Yeah, he works in
the media department.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So... oh, so he
works with you?
Well, I told you it
was complicated.
Do you think
I shouldn't do it?
I don't know.
- Why are you asking me?
- Why?
I saw you at the bar
with Amanda
and those other women,
you ladies' man, you.
Those girls said you
were quite the player.
I'm a player?
No, I don't mean it
in a bad way.
That's why it's
perfect we're friends.
'Cause now you can help me
with this stuff.
She called me a player.
Ooh, some nerve.
I actually thought
she was gonna break up
with that old fart
to go out with me.
She's got issues, man.
This calls for action.
About time.
If she wants a player,
she's gonna get one.
I'm gonna play her
like a two-bit fiddle.
A what?
By next week,
she'll be mine.
She won't even know
what hit her.
Spoken like
a true player.
A player.
I'll show her a player.
Oh, Joe, you came!
For a beautiful lady.
Oh, thank you.
Just wonderful.
Who knew that there
was a winery
an hour outside of the city?
I thought you had to go
to Napa to get good wine.
You do, but if you want
extraordinarily average wine,
you come here.
Thanks for inviting me.
I'm sorry Amanda
couldn't come.
I certainly brought back
enough wine for her,
didn't I?
Oh, and don't think
I didn't see all those
candles in the trunk.
Planning a big night,
are we?
we're having some issues.
What's wrong?
Oh, damn it!
- What?
- We're out of gas.
Oh, no.
And... that's that.
Oh, God, now what
are we gonna do?
Um, Edna?
I have something
I have to tell you.
Let me freshen
your glass first.
Edna, I don't know
how to say this,
I'm not as young
as I used to be.
Really, Joe?
You look pretty
spry to me.
No... no.
I mean,
I'm an older man now
than I used to be,
and sometimes
things don't work
like they used to.
Well, Joe, I don't...
I don't understand
what you're trying to say.
Edna, I have to
know something.
Are you trying to
seduce me?
Why, yes, Joe.
I am.
Well, that's just grand.
But I have to
tell you,
it might be hard
for me to satisfy you
if you've raised your
Well, Joe...
why don't you let me
worry about
what's going to be hard
and what's going to be
raised, hmm?
I guess if we're gonna get
stranded for three hours
waiting for
roadside assistance,
this is the place to do it.
Thank you.
One down, four to go.
Whoops... ahh!
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
I'll be out in just
a moment, Joe.
Oh, Joe?
What do you think?
How do you feel?
Oh, I feel fine.
I admit, I'm a little
nervous, but I...
Um, Joe?
Did I drop something?
It's alive!
It's alive!
Oh, it's a miracle!
Praise the Lord!
Quick, before it's gone!
How's your toe?
Oh, I think I'll live.
This frigid temperature is
keeping the swelling down.
Hey, maybe if the dashboard
catches on fire,
it'll heat
things up in here.
Are you cold?
I can barely
feel my fingers.
Come here.
Ooh, that feels good.
You call for a jump?
Oh, sorry, bro.
It looks like somebody
already got jumped,huh?
Yeah, uh... no.
We... we ran
out of gas.
Are you sure?
It says right here
that you need a jump.
Nope, gas.
I didn't bring my gas can,
so I'll have to tow you.
Gonna take about a second
to hook you up, all right?
Oh, my.
I don't have
any protection.
Protection from what?
You know, birth control.
I don't think
that'll be an issue.
Oh, you're on
the pill?
Good thinking.
It's like that little battery
bunny, it's still going.
Oh, David, stop!
That tickles.
Stop, that tickles.
Oh, oh, oh.
Ooh, oh, oh,
ooh, ooh.
Edna, Edna, where...
where... where...
Edna, where are you...
Edna, look out,
look out.
You're getting close!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
Bring her right this way,
hold the elevator.
Oh, Edna, I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I'm an awful man.
Oh, no,
you're a wonderful man.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be
lying here like this.
Joe, what happened
to Edna?
Grandpa, I got your message,
are you all right?
What's going on?
It's not me, it's Edna.
She's fine, just a little
shortness of breath.
Nothing serious.
What happened?
What happened?
I'll tell you
what happened.
That angel of a woman
slipped me a Mickey.
Have you ever heard
of a black-market drug
called Viagra?
Oh, please, tell me you...
- They're these magic pills,
see? - No, please, just stop.
I couldn't have
stopped if I tried.
I kept going
and going
and going and going.
Actually, I think
I might still be going.
Whoo-ee, those pills
are sick!
They're what?
you may not know it,
but your grandfather
is a sex machine.
A real "chick maggot".
Mag... magnet.
Grandpa, chick magnet.
Oh, I guess that would make
more sense, wouldn't it?
David, have you ever heard
of a woman giving a man
something called a...
- She put her mouth on... - Oh,
yeah, no, no, I know what it is.
Your grandmother sure as hell
never did that to me.
My goodness, I felt
like a damn Popsicle.
She even took her
dentures out.
And after that,
we did the wild thing.
The what?
It was just like
riding a bike.
Well, not just
like riding a bike.
David, I don't know if
I ever told you this,
but your grandmother
is the only woman
I ever had
sexual relations with.
And after last night,
I realized,
bless her soul,
she didn't have
a clue in the bedroom.
But that Edna, she's a real
All right, Grandpa,
enough, all right?
What's with Edna?
Oh, she's fine.
Her... her daughter's with
her in her room there,
talking with
the retirement-home director.
That's her daughter?
Is he gonna explain to her
what caused all this?
Oh, I don't
think he'd do that.
He what?!
What kind of dirty old men do
you let into that place?
Or maybe he would.
I assure you
that we only have
the highest of standards...
As soon as she's ready,
I want my mother out of that
brothel you're running
and on a plane to my home
where I can take care
of her myself.
- Sweetie...
- Do you understand?
Let's not overreact here.
Mother, enough!
Discussion over!
And in the meantime,
you make sure
that lecherous,
disgusting old man
stays the hell away
from my mother!
Just let me explain.
This kind of thing doesn't
happen at our facility.
Don't go, please.
I'm sorry, Joe.
She's my daughter.
If she wants me to move,
I have to go.
But I love you, Edna.
Whoa there, Joe.
Let's not move
too quickly here.
But last night...
I'll always, always
remember last night
and I will cherish it
But, y'know, people our age,
we... we have to live every
second to the fullest.
It doesn't make any
sense for either one of us
to be tied down to
just one person.
Trust me.
You don't know it yet,
but you're like
a wild stallion
and you must run free.
Oh, I'm so sorry,
I feel like I just met her
and it's over already.
She was such
a sweet woman.
Just being with her,
I wasn't so lonely.
And even when
I wasn't with her,
knowing I was gonna see
her again soon,
knowing somebody
was thinking about me,
somebody cared for me,
made it easier
to get through the day.
I can't do this again,
I can't take the pain.
It hurts too much, and it
doesn't get any easier.
I know it's hard
right now.
But don't worry, Grandpa.
There's another companion
out there for you.
Your grandmother
was my first love,
Edna was my last.
Not a bad run
for 84 years.
But now...
I'm done with love.
I'm done, it's over,
I'm ending it.
All right, will you stop
talking like that?
I'm not gonna
let you kill yourself.
Who's killing themselves?
You think I wanna
spend my remaining days
sitting on some park bench,
talking about my arthritis
with some old biddy?
What do you mean?
What about looking for
I just got
a new start on life
with those pills.
They're like
bottled erections.
Once this word gets
around the home,
the babes are
gonna be begging for me.
I'm the man now.
I'm a player.
I'm dope!
No, you are a dope.
You're the one
who convinced me
that I was missing out
on something,
and now that
I finally find a girl
that I kind of really like,
and you flip over
to the other side?
Circle of life.
I started out as
a baby sucking on a breast,
and by golly, that's the way
I wanna end up.
I just don't understand.
Grandpa's horny,
and he wants to have
some fun.
That's... that's...
that's horse feathers!
No, that's tight.
That's damn tight.
So tell me...
how did things
go with your young lady?
I hit on all sixes.
That's my boy.
Just like your grandfather.
And I know exactly how
we're gonna celebrate.
Barkeep, a barrel
of Viagra for me
and a case of condoms
for my friend here.
Um, come on in.
I'm running late for work.
So I didn't get a chance
to say good-bye
to you the other night.
Yeah, I walked home.
I didn't think you'd be
offering me a ride.
Of course I would have,
why would you say that?
Because your car
ran out of gas.
Yes, it did.
Good point.
I really enjoyed myself
the other night.
Yeah, me too.
You wanna do it
again sometime?
What are you
doing tonight?
Oh, uh, David,
I didn't think that
you meant right away.
I just meant, you know,
I just don't think that
it would be good for
our friendship
if we made that
a regular thing.
Do you?
No, no, no,
no, of course.
No, I didn't wanna make
it a regular thing.
I just thought
you might wanna
go out to dinner tonight.
Yeah, no, of course, no.
The friendship
comes first.
Oh, I'm so glad
to hear you say that.
I would go out tonight,
but guess who
left me a message?
The sexy guy from work.
Yeah, he wants to
go out tonight.
But I should wait
to call him back, right?
Just play it cool?
Yeah, oh,
totally, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Whoa, look at that,
I should go.
Well, do you wanna
have lunch instead?
Yeah, great.
I'll see you later.
So I'll just
come by your work?
She's the one.
I'm sorry, David.
That sucks.
But like I said, you either
know when you meet her
or you know
when you lose her.
So, obviously word
of your prowess
is out on the street.
Oh, yeah, my phone
won't stop ringing.
I've met three chicks
Well, Grandpa,
that's the bee's knees.
Yeah, but none of them really
lit my fire, you know?
Grandpa, you're
a retirement-home gigolo.
I'm no longer
a one-woman guy.
I'm a wild stallion,
and run free I must.
You said companionship
is the only thing that...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, so what are you gonna
do about your situation?
I have no idea.
No idea.
I'm lost.
David, maybe this isn't
the right girl for you.
I mean, maybe...
maybe she's not...
She is, Grandpa.
She is.
She's my companion.
She's special.
She's different.
Maybe that's the problem.
If she's so different,
maybe you should use
a different strategy
than you've used before.
David, if you wanna win
the game of love,
maybe you should stop
playing games with women.
I have to go to work.
Do you have to
leave already?
You... you never get to spend
time here anymore.
Stay, please.
I'm sorry, Grandpa,
I really can't.
I'll see you soon.
Is that a smoking jacket
you're wearing?
Oh, yes, indeedy.
A few of the girls pitched in
and bought it for me.
You like?
I don't know.
You know, as much
as I hate to admit it,
ever since Carrie...
how should
I put it?...
put my balls in a sling,
life has been nice,
you know?
I mean,
don't get me wrong.
I... I... of course,
I miss living
the wild bachelor life
vicariously through you,
but, uh... and of course,
you know, I miss...
I miss my balls, you know?
But it's been, you know,
it's been kind of fun.
In fact, you'll like this.
The other night, Carrie took
me out to the club dancing.
Um, after we played...
after we played Scrabble.
I'll take it, but without
the navigation system.
I said,
I'll buy the car.
Just step into my office.
I'll be one...
Hey, you ready for lunch?
Yeah, um, I just have
a customer in the office,
and then I'm all set.
All right, cool.
Well, I will just
browse around
and pretend like
I can actually afford
some of these cars.
All right, uh...
Um, you know what?
Before we go,
I... I need to...
I gotta talk to you.
If it's about
the other night...
No, no, no, no, no,
it's, um...
it's... it's
more than that.
I haven't been completely
honest with you
about my feelings.
David, excuse me.
There is a customer waiting
for you in your office.
I'll be there in a moment.
They are ready
to sign contracts.
I said, in a moment!
I'm interested
in you...
more than a friend.
I've been interested in you
since I met you
at the football game,
and since we've
become friends,
what I initially thought
was gonna be
a passing thing has
turned into much more,
and I wanna be with you.
I think I love you.
I love you, too.
...not in the same way.
We're good together.
Look, I...
wouldn't be honest
if I said that I haven't
thought about you romantically,
because I have.
But I just don't
think it would work.
Why not?
David, I insist that you...
Let's talk outside.
You leave that customer
waiting one more second,
you're through.
Get your hand off me!
Why won't it work out?
I just don't think
you're my type, David.
Why not?
I'm looking for
someone who's sincere
and up-front
and open with their
feelings, and that's not you.
I'm being pretty damn
open with my feelings
right now, aren't I?
It's bigger than that.
I mean, how long
have you felt this way?
You've never even
said a word,
never even hinted at it.
For the first time
in my life,
I have spilled my guts out.
I have never
done that for anyone.
Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
Frankly, David,
what I think it means
is you've tried
Now you're desperate.
Look, can't we just
get past this?
Our friendship is...
I'm not interested
in a friendship!
I never was!
That's good to know.
So that's it, then?
That's just great.
It was nice
knowing you, David.
I want you to
gather your stuff
and get out
and not come back.
Keep it... Dad.
Game over.
Can you stay
for dinner tonight?
They're serving
Chicken Kiev.
I don't know.
I got an erection
the other night.
All natural, no Viagra.
I keep seeing your friend's
grandmother everywhere.
That Rose is tight.
But she won't
pay any attention to me.
I'm seeing two other ladies,
but I can't seem to get
Rose out of my mind.
Any ideas, Casanova?
Did you try that buddy-buddy
thing I told you about?
Eh, like most
of your plans,
I figure it's
a piece of crap.
Well, try it.
Well, what's eating you,
Is it your lady friend?
Are you doing
as well as I am?
I'm doing worse.
It's your dad.
You've missed three
damn weeks already,
and now you're late again.
What are you
talking about?
You're late for your job.
Are you coming in
today or not?
Because if you're not,
I'll fire you again.
Yeah, I'll be there
in an hour.
Make it 45 minutes!
I told you, as much
as I'd love to, I... I can't.
I'm already dating a man.
I'm dating around, too.
I just wanna
be friends.
Friends have dinner together,
too, don't they?
I suppose they do.
Maybe you already
have too many friends,
but even so, in a place
like this,
who knows who's
gonna croak next?
Bad run of luck,
and you could be
friendless is a week.
Roadside assistance
is kind of expensive.
You... you think we
really need it?
Not at all.
I'll take it off.
Of course, that's always when
something happens, isn't it?
And probably when your
wife is driving.
Uh, keep it.
I guess
it's worth it.
I'll just go
get this approved.
Still got it.
A good profit margin
on this one?
I'd say so.
Take note, Rob.
Two hours
back on the lot,
the man's already
sold a car.
I told you, David.
You were
born for this.
Couldn't agree
with you more, Dick.
Unfortunately, we had to
make a few changes
to get the contract approved,
but I got you a new one with
what I think you'll find
are much more
favorable terms.
But you can't do this.
It's already done.
Signed by the manager
right there.
Now when you sign it,
it becomes legally binding.
You can't back out and,
of course, neither can we.
But you're selling us
a car for a dollar?
Uh, that's true,
but I'm also throwing in
the roadside assistance
and the warranty
and the CD player.
And our crappy navigation
Now, I couldn't
get you financing,
so you'll have to pay
cash up-front.
Is that acceptable?
- Yeah...
- Great.
Sign right there.
on the new car.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to run.
Wait, I don't understand.
How can you sell me a car
for a dollar?
Makes sense.
Bring this back
when it's right.
David, uh...
would you mind if I skipped
our dinner tomorrow night?
We've had dinner together
every night
for the past two weeks.
I think I can fend
for myself one night.
Got big plans?
That buddy-buddy
thing worked.
Rose agreed to
have dinner with me.
I can't believe
how lucky I am.
I'm happy for you.
Still thinking
about Julie?
She thought
I was a player.
You were.
Well, thanks
for the help.
That's very helpful...
you gotta
ask yourself,
are you a player
or were you
just playing?
'Cause if she wasn't
in the man you were,
she might be interested
in the man you are.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I think your
wash is done.
Thanks, David.
How are you?
I'm good.
Uh, I'm... I'm...
I'm not good.
I miss you... a lot.
I miss you, too.
I've been doing
a lot of thinking,
and I've made a lot
of changes.
I know.
I've seen you at the home.
And I think what you're doing
is wonderful and sincere,
and I really admire you.
You do?
Well, all that stuff that you
said about me before...
you were right.
But that was when I was
looking for something else.
I was... I was looking
for something
that wasn't important.
And now I'm
looking for...
a companion,
and I know that
the way to go about that
is to stop playing games
and to stop being
scared of...
whatever and to be
up-front with my feelings.
And my feelings are
that I care
about you...
And I need you in my life.
And I wanna
be the type of person
that you would be proud
to be with,
not the type of
person that I was,
but the type of person that
I truly know I am.
When I met you, I was lost
and when
I found you...
I found me,
and I want you to
get to know that person.
I would really like to get
to know that person, too.
How about we start with
a get-to-know-you
Oh, you know, I have these
gift certificates
for this restaurant,
but they
expire on Sunday.
We leave you two alone
for one minute.
All right, come on, Grandpa,
let's go fishing.
I think you need to
cool down a little bit.
It lessens the "G" forces
on your derriere.
So I've heard.
David's a very nice
young man.
His grandpa's pretty cute,
too, huh, Grandma?
Oh, yeah.
He's good in
the old sack, too.
Life is good, David.
We've caught ourselves
two beautiful babes
and have them eating out
of the palms of our hands.
And not only do
I have Rose,
but she wants to
keep dating other people.
Are you sure that's
what you want?
Yep, it's the perfect
Are you sure
that's what she wants?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I guess that does sound
like the perfect arrangement.
You know, Grandpa, you're
quite the bee's knees.
I prefer "chick magnet".
You know, the only problem is
he's still dating other women.
He doesn't seem to want
a real relationship.
And you do?
Oh, yes.
Listen, Grandma,
if you wanna
win the game of love,
you have to play the game.
Take David and me,
for example.
Remember the first
time I spotted him?
Oh, I remember.
Step one:
When a guy visits his
at a retirement home,
it's a pretty good sign
he's a nice guy.
Step two:
the approach.
He's a bit of a player,
but deep down,
he's a good guy.
If you could just get
him to grow up.
You have to meet him or,
more accurately,
have him meet you.
You know, I can get him to play
football this weekend
if you want to
run into him.
Planned spontaneity...
That's the name
of the game.
Step three:
the buildup.
Get him interested by
showing him
you're smarter than he is.
James II was king in 1630.
I have no idea who the king
of England was in 1630,
but I didn't think
he was about to look it up.
Step four:
the follow-through.
He'll be chasing you,
but you don't have to
make it easy on him.
There was some
sort of poetic justice
in him doing his girlfriend's
months before I was
actually his girlfriend.
It's my girlfriend's.
Sure it is.
And because information is
Can we pay with these?'s always nice to have
someone on the inside.
And the most
important step,
step five:
the Groucho effect.
Your package is here.
Thank you.
It says that men
won't join any club
that would have them
as a member.
Whoa, wait, he's here!
I need you.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I'm running late,
I can't do it.
But my Uncle Paul's here.
He used to be
an actor.
Uncle Paul!
Unlike women,
men just don't know
when they've got
something good.
But when you make him
work to get in the club,
he thinks he's lucky
to get you.
Okay, come with me.
And because men
sometimes fear commitment,
there's a step six:
the pull-back.
Give him a view of what
life would be like without you,
and that's when he'll realize
what he really wants.
In David's case,
there was nothing like
a one-night stand
to make him realize I wasn't
just another one-night stand.
She's the one.
It's a bit of a gamble,
but if you have patience
and you play the game right,
it pays off.
And with David...
it paid off.
Well, it sure paid off
for you,
but... I don't know.
Hey, Rose!
How about we eat dinner
early tonight?
I'm hungry.
Oh, sorry, sweetie,
but I told Mervin I would eat
dinner with him tonight.
- There's more... -