Playdate (2025) Movie Script
- Stop it!
- Dude, how sick is this?
We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
Oh, mama!
Pass the ball!
All right, guys, bring it in.
All right,
come on, come on, come on,
Get in here. Huddle up.
We got a minute left here, okay?
We are tied up.
Lucas, whe... where are you?
- Lucas, where are you?
- I'm right here, Dad.
- Go, Lucas!
- Get in here.
- You're on the team. Let's go.
- Come on.
You're kidding.
He sucks.
Nobody covered him
in the second quarter.
I'm getting triple teamed
out there.
Well, you know what?
Then I'll tell you what. Um...
Dude,
have you even played lacrosse?
Just cold play, loser.
Okay, fine. You know what...
That's a play.
We're gonna get
the ball to Lucas.
- What, are you high?
- Yes, that's the plan.
Lucas, you're gonna take
the shot.
We're gonna win
this thing, okay?
Let's get in there.
What do you say?
- I say we're gonna lose.
- I don't care.
Let's win this thing
as a team, guys.
- This is bullshit.
- Let's go, guys.
Let's go.
We are heroes.
Dad, are you sure about this?
I mean, everyone's just gonna
be pissed off at me
if I mess this up.
Maybe I should just go
sit on the bench.
Sit on the bench?
Buddy, you are set up
for the hero moment.
When we watch
those sports movies,
and it comes down
to those final few seconds,
and everything turns
to slow motion,
that's where the hero emerges.
Whoa!
Everything slows down,
and they make the shot,
and it's victory!
And they throw 'em
on their shoulders,
and they're going crazy.
The girls are gonna be
Lucas, Lucas!
That's how we win.
- All right.
- All right?
- Let's do it.
- Let's make it happen.
I love you, Dad.
Okay, sshh.
Hey, maybe lower.
This, this is sports.
We don't...
We kind of...
It's already assumed.
It's assumed.
Lucas!
All right, please, yes.
Oh, please.
Please, God.
Please.
Yes!
Oh, my God!
Lucas, go!
Eye of the tiger!
What the hell is he doing?
Why is he moving in slow motion?
I might have told him to.
No! He had no right!
- No way!
- You suck, Lucas.
You're okay.
He's okay.
You just got the wind
knocked out of ya.
He got the wind
knocked out of him.
He's fine.
Gonna come back quick.
Help me.
Maybe lacrosse isn't his thing?
I mean, maybe he's just not
a sports kind of kid at all.
Four leaf clover
won't you come over
Baby, give me a chance
Look, playing a sport
is important to him.
I mean, this is all I know.
This is what I did.
I... I connected with my father
through sports.
Oh, honey, I know this whole
new stepdad thing can't be easy
and I love that you're trying
so hard to connect with him.
I really, I really am.
You and Lucas will find
your thing too,
but you just gotta give it time.
You can't force it.
Come here. I love you.
I love you.
Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em
next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me bro, dude.
Don't call me dude, son.
Don't call me son, bitch.
- I'm not a bitch, you're a...
- Oh my God, stop.
You okay?
Yeah, fine, it's just...
By the way, how long does
it take Lucas to take a leak?
Oh, can you check on him for me?
He gets bladder shy.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
It's Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
Look, I'm sorry if I did
anything to piss you guys off.
Honestly, I... I just want it
to be cool between us.
Oh, shit.
Hey! Don't touch him.
Daddy's here.
Let's go, Lucas.
Let me tell you something.
You touch him again,
I come back here,
I personally kick
every one of your asses.
Every one, every ass.
I kick it, you understand?
Just let's go, Lucas.
Come on.
Do you understand what you guys
almost got into?
Do you have any idea
the annihilation
that would have
taken place here?
Annihilation.
Wait, you want to go?
You feeling frisky?
You want to go?
You know what?
I'll go.
- Hm?
- You want to go?
- Let's go.
- How old are you?
What the hell
where'd you come from?
- Let's go.
- I don't...
I'm not saying
I don't want to go.
I'm just saying we can go.
Stop talking shit
and just do it, old man.
- Hit me.
- Bring the voice down.
Okay, we're in a locker room.
It's a lot of acoustics.
You just said you could kick
all our asses.
I know.
I haven't even eaten yet.
We have reservations
at Benihana.
You know where they do
the smoking volcano thing
with the runyons.
It's fine.
Let's go, Lucas man.
Go. Just...
better watch it next time.
Yeah.
All right.
What's that kid's name anyway?
- Kurt.
- Kurt.
Freaking Kurt.
Do you realize
how... how... how
- that would have went down?
- Oh, yeah.
I would have kicked
all their asses.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.
Now, I should go back there.
I'm gonna go back there.
- No, no, no, no.
- He's probably not there, right?
- I mean, I'm gonna...
- It's fine, Dad.
I should just close
this shit out, man.
- This is crazy.
- No, no, no, no.
It's... it's fine, Dad.
I'm used to it.
What do you mean
you're used to it?
That's not...
see, that's not something
you should be used to.
How often does this happen?
Uh, every day.
I mean, there's no way
for him to escape.
Did you know it was this bad?
No. What should we do?
Nothing now,
because I slammed it down.
I shut it, you know?
I took care of things.
I nipped it in
the bud, you know? So...
You got to call the school
and the principal right away.
What? No.
You can't do that.
Then he's a rat.
You saw The Departed.
He'll get whacked.
Brian, you're his dad now.
This is something a dad
needs to handle.
You're right.
You're right.
I... Hey, look at me.
I promise you I'll never let
anything bad happen to him.
All right?
- All right.
- I gotta get back to work.
When I get back, we'll take care
of this, all right?
Hey, no more bullies.
Kick his ass!
- Please get off!
- Oh, oh!
Get him, you little bitch!
Dude, I got five grand on you!
Go, go!
C... Claire said
you wanted to see me?
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, come on in.
Just, uh, just grab...
Grab a seat.
- Go! Go!
- You can do it!
Believe in yourself!
Yeah! Whoo!
Pay up,.
Hey, so listen.
The Pfizer thing.
You're gonna straighten out
those numbers, right?
Well, I mean, the numbers
are what the numbers are.
First of all, don't yell at me.
Okay, then.
I didn't think I was yelling.
Sounded like yelling.
Numbers are a little tight,
dawg,
so just make them a little
loosey-goosey, you know?
Well, I mean,
if we loosen them up...
Hey, calm down.
If we loosen them up,
then what you're gonna do
is you're basically,
you're asking me
to commit fraud.
What?!
Whoa.
Listen, Dad is gonna flip out
if he sees these numbers.
Bro, you can't let Dad flip out.
You can't let Dad flip out.
I mean, he's not...
He's not my dad.
- What?!
- How dare you!
You shut your face!
Let me ask you something.
How do you think this is going?
Well, I thought it was going
better when I first...
That's not a question.
But here's the answer:
You're fired!
My dad always hated you.
Okay.
Big booty bitches
You're winning
you're winning
Drop it down low
Yeah, spinnin' spinnin'
Shake it, girl.
So you can't get
low, low, low
Big booty bitches
You're winning
you're winning
So they called you
a baby back bitch?
Do they do that a lot?
No, it doesn't matter.
Whatever it is.
I had to lay down the law
is what I did.
But, you know,
there's the standards.
There's standards.
I'm just cut from the cloth
of a higher standard,
if that makes any sense.
I don't know if it does,
but that's... you... you get
what I'm saying, right?
No, you're right.
Yeah. You're right.
What?
You're such a badass.
You're not a baby back bitch.
We'll just have to cut back
on a few things
until you find something else.
Maybe we pump the brakes
on his dance lessons, huh?
Mm-hm. Mm, mm.
We're paying for that?
A lot.
You know, I still have
that open invitation
to rejoin my old firm.
I thought you wanted
to stay home with Lucas.
I do, but we also need
an income, right?
So maybe you tag in
and do the whole
stay-at-home dad thing
for a bit.
You want me to stay at home
with... with him all day,
just me and him?
It would just be temporary.
Plus, it'd be so good
for you and Lucas.
It would give you
all this one-on-one time
to just like bond.
So you can't get
low no more
Ugh!
Was that good?
Very good, sweetie.
It was very good.
There's really no way
to tell, pal.
I love vacation,
and I'm all numb...
Hey, bud.
Aren't you, uh,
supposed to be in school?
No, it's teacher in service day.
The hell is that?
It's when teachers
learn new techniques
to help them
with their teaching.
And you get a day off for that?
Why don't they work
that out on their,
like, their own time?
Well, I don't know,
but it's good for us.
So what are we gonna do today?
We?
Boom. There you are.
A puzzle.
Look at that.
Huh?
It's 25,000 pieces.
Yeah, it is.
That's weeks' worth.
Maybe even a month.
Who knows?
- I'm kind of hungry, actually.
- Oh.
Am I supposed to cook
you something,
- or...
- Sure
Is that what your mother
would do?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. Uh, yeah.
Let's, uh, let's get after it.
You ever try intermittent
fasting, by the way?
- Intermittent fasting?
- Fasting, yeah.
It's amazing for your colon.
I'm in with you.
Let's both do it.
What do you say?
Okay, well... I'm sorry.
I'm just really hungry.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
All right, uh...
Sometimes Mom makes me
breakfast sandwiches
with the King's Hawaiian rolls.
Oh, these are cool.
These are really good.
I like them.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, so you know
what to do with that,
and that's... that's amazing.
- That's really cool.
- Yeah, I think so.
- All right.
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
You want to make them
with me or...?
No, you're good.
All right.
You wanna throw
the football around?
Do a little boxing?
- Nah.
- We could do, uh...
How about this?
Or just do weird crap
on your own,
that's fine too.
What up, bitch?
But you do owe me 50 bucks,
I'm not fooling around on that.
I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Relax.
- You relax.
I want my fucking money.
This dude looks like
my AA sponsor.
Dude looks like
my garbage man.
That gold crown ain't really
really relaxin'
All twenty-six packs
on taxes
Who are you?
I'm Brian.
Do you party, Brian?
Do I party?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, in college,
I did, I guess.
I'm Leslie.
This is Ivy, Jess and Marla.
We got the Mama Mafia here.
- What's up?
- What's up?
Hello. Nice to meet you,
uh... Mama Mafia.
Did you take my parking spot,
Brian?
Oh, is that yours?
All the gray Honda Odysseys?
All of them, are they all yours?
- Yeah.
- Safest SUV on the market
and gray's least likely
to get stolen.
Is there a problem?
No, no, no, I didn't know.
And it was just felt
like crazy to me,
but crazy sensible.
Like you got the exact
same color and everything.
It's pretty cool.
- Snack bag?
- Oh, thank you very much.
- I appreciate that.
- Those are for the kids.
Yeah, I know they are.
Give it back, Brian.
Back, Brian.
You've had enough
frickin' snacks.
So you want to be in?
You want to join the mafia?
Do I want to join
the Mama Mafia?
- Yeah.
- No.
I don't... I don't even know,
you know, what the Mama Mafia
really is about.
It's easy. Weekdays,
we're here at 10 AM,
we drop the kids,
they go apeshit.
Yeah, at 12, we caravan
down to Chili's, eat lunch,
and get ripped up.
But mainly to get ripped up!
Yeah, you want some wine?
I... I don't drink so much
during the day, you know?
You want coke?
Ivy's got speed.
No, not now, 'cause I'm
watching my, uh, son. Um...
You're gonna have to lose
the windbreaker, though.
- Oh.
- You want to get jumped in?
- Jumped in?
- Yeah.
You can keep your clothes on.
Uh, not right away.
You know what it is?
Oh, that's Lucas.
Okay, that's my boy.
He's a wanderer
and my wife got him
this wearable GPS tracker.
- Did your wife pick your jacket?
- She might have.
I'll see you later.
- Uh...
- No, you won't, Brian.
- Okay.
- You freaking won't.
I hope not.
All right, Lucas,
let's just try
to throw a spiral,
- you know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
Spiral.
You want to position your hand
on the back quarter of the ball.
Here you go.
It's just a nice, tight spiral.
Nice and tight.
Okay. All right.
Can you pick that one up?
- Love you, Dad.
- Yeah, no worries.
Try to catch those, okay?
Makes it so much more fun.
That wasn't it.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
Sorry. My bad.
This is gonna suck.
Thread that needle, I see it.
Was that good?
That's more...
That wasn't threaded,
that was more crochet.
All right.
All right, Lucas,
let's turn it up a notch.
What do you say, okay?
See what I'm doin'?
Okay,
you try to catch those though.
That's what you got to do.
You take it right in the chest.
Hey, give you a little tip.
It's these fingers for a spiral.
Yeah, I know
how to throw a spiral.
It's probably
because you got tiny hands.
It can be tricky
with little mitts like that.
You just got to adjust
your grip like this.
You don't, well...
I mean a little bit, yeah.
Hey, what do you say
we play a game?
Nah, I'm good.
I'm just...
You thinking
like a little two-on-two?
No, I'm not thinking
that at all.
Okay, fun.
CJ, go cover his kid! Here.
- I didn't even...
- Hike it. Hike the ball.
I don't even know
what we're doing.
Hey, stay tight on him.
Stay tight.
- That's all we're doing.
- Hike it, dude.
- I don't even know the rules.
- Ready? Ready?
Can you just listen?
Oh my God!
Oh look,
they're friends already.
Shake it, girl, come and get it.
Do you mind, uh, getting off me?
Fatherhood, huh?
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, look, your kid's catching
a bug with my little bugger.
Oh, that should keep them busy
for a while.
I stand corrected.
CJ, let it go!
No! Drop it!
Hmm.
Dude's always putting stuff
in his mouth.
Your kid ever go
through that phase?
Maybe when he was one.
Yeah, we're taking
a little longer.
Name's Jeff.
Uh, Brian.
Outstanding.
You ever go by Bri-Bri?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
Bri-Bri is a badass name, dude.
I knew a Bri-Bri
in the army once.
Bri-Bri once used a severed arm
of a Taliban
to diffuse an IED in a sewer.
I miss Bri-Bri.
Was he killed in action?
No, got crushed by a van
leaving Chipotle.
What about one Bri?
Is that cool?
- Sure.
- Okay, Bri...
Bri.
Okay. Uh, Lucas.
Let's get going, bud.
- What do you say, you know?
- Already?
- Yeah.
- We just got here.
Yeah, I know but your mother
wanted us back
for dinner and things.
We got to get ready.
- Dad, it's 10 in the morning.
- I...
But CJ invited me
over his house.
He just moved here
and he said there's a tree
in his backyard
that looks just
like Mark Ruffalo.
Freakin' uncanny.
It's why we rented the place.
So can we go
over their house, please?
CJ's cool.
He said my hoodie's dope.
It is a pretty dope ass hoodie.
Please?
Sure, sure.
All right. Why not.
- Hell yeah, dude!
- Yeah, okay.
Fuck yeah!
CJ, game on!
They're coming
to our place, bro.
Up high.
- Whoa.
- Mm.
Doesn't totally get high fives.
You wanna dance?
I said submit!
Submit!
No, CJ! No!
Release.
CJ, stand down!
CJ, stop it!
Little dude's super strong.
Oh, yeah.
You guys go on ahead
while I put him out real quick.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay, yeah.
- Go to sleep. Sleep.
- We're gonna go.
I'm so excited to be here.
Yeah, don't get too
comfortable, all right?
I texted your mom our location,
you know, just in case.
Well, just in case what?
In case the guy murders us.
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Come in, come in.
- Hey, CJ. What's up?
- Okay.
- Don't let go.
All right.
- There we go.
- Yeah.
Hey, I'm good.
- Missed you, buddy.
- Yeah, nice to see you.
We're still unpacking,
but I did clean the place
up for you.
Sorry. I'm beat, man.
- Yeah.
- CJ barely sleeps.
Lucky if he gets
two hours a night.
Two hours?
That can't be healthy.
Yeah, it's fine.
What's that old saying?
Kids are like horses?
No, no one's ever
said that at all.
Wow. Were you in the Army?
I was.
Well, that's Bri-Bri
with Commander Colonel Kurtz.
First Special Forces
Operational Detachment.
Delta Force.
Whoa. Delta Force?
Yeah. You know, one time,
I saw two guys
get their heads blown off.
One guy bled out in my arms
while I slowly watched him die.
Sick, right?
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Jesus.
- Wow.
Pretty crazy story.
I'm sure you got a lot more,
but if you tell me,
you're gonna have
to kill me, right?
I am gonna have to kill you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Take it easy!
Hey!
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
There was some left in there.
Oh, God.
It's a ketchup dispenser.
Came with a
matching mustard gun.
Isn't that fun?
Let me get you a paper towel.
Hey, Dad. Dad.
Isn't Jeff super cool
and strong,
and look how big he is.
Yeah, he's big, but it's...
It's genetics, you know?
I mean,
I'm sure his dad was very big,
and his mother
was an American bison.
Plus, when you get that big,
you don't live that long.
Okay, whatever.
Uh, CJ, want to go outside
so I can show you
some more dance moves?
Hell yeah!
Oh, you're okay
with him cursing like that?
Yeah, words can't hurt anyone.
Worst case,
I tell him to go to bed,
he calls me a buck-tooth bitch.
All right.
If you don't mind me asking,
I mean, where's CJ's mom?
Oh, she passed away
a few months ago.
Yeah, she was real sick.
Sorry to hear about that.
That's all right.
She was gonna die anyway.
That's why we moved
to a new town.
Make a fresh start, you know?
Had some money saved up
from a security gig.
Thought I'd do the
stay-at-home-dad thing
while CJ gets acclimated.
What about you?
Your wife croak too?
No.
She's alive and well at work.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
She's a lawyer.
I'm a forensic accountant.
Oh, forensics?
Like autopsies and stuff?
Forensic accountant.
Oh, that's boring.
So what does CJ
stand for anyway?
Christopher Jif.
- Like the peanut butter?
- Uh-huh.
Like this peanut butter?
The one you looked at
right before you said Jif?
Yeah, I looked
at the peanut butter
because I was thinking
of making us
some peanut butter sandwiches,
which was CJ's
mom's favorite food,
which is why
his middle name is Jif.
Oh, hey, look at that fun list
of stuff I did for me and CJ
to do now that his mom
went tits-up.
- One, make new friends.
- Check.
- Go to Buckee Cheese.
- Oh, love Buckee Cheese.
Do ayahuasca in the desert.
He's gonna love that.
Freak out
the fat lady across the street.
Dad? Dad?
There's a guy in the backyard
watching us.
Where?
Lucas is just kidding.
No, I'm not.
I'm serious.
There's a guy out there.
- He's just staring at us.
- Come on, Lucas.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we go get lunch?
- You guys like Buckee Cheese?
- Sure.
You can help us
cross it off the list.
- Can we, Dad?
- Of course we can.
Uh, you know,
he's got a dance lesson.
No, I don't.
Hope no one's allergic to fun.
I know I'm not.
Okay. Pile in, boys.
What the hell is with
all the gray Odysseys?
This is awesome, right?
- You suck.
- Creeper.
Man, that kid is fearless.
Look at him hanging upside down
from...
What's he hanging
upside down on?
That would be
the sprinkler system.
Oh. Well, you know
what they say.
A kid falls
and cracks his skull,
- that's how they learn, right?
- Mm, no.
No, that's not how they...
No one's ever said that.
Look at how happy he is.
You know, this is the first time
I've ever seen him smile.
You never... you never seen
your kid smile?
Since his mom died.
Yeah, like, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
You know, I can't imagine
what you guys...
Man, God is so good.
You know, the first day my son
meets his new best friend,
so did I.
Fathead.
- Do you want to start a band?
- No.
Um, well, you know,
uh... Jeff, look, I... I...
First of all,
this is... this is great.
- I know.
- Yeah, and you...
you just seem like a great guy.
You do. You got the thing.
And... and things are moving kind
of fast with this whole thing.
Like, a lot is going on
in my life right now
and it feels like, you know,
you're asking a lot, you know?
So first of all, I want
to tell you about myself.
I've recently got married.
It just feels like
I gotta concentrate on that.
You really can't be best friends
with somebody
when things are moving so fast
when you don't know
someone so well.
I mean... Oh, no, no.
Listen, I didn't mean...
I didn't mean it like that.
Hello, miss.
Can I get the super socks
for 500 tickets, please?
Thanks.
Whoa.
Holy shit!
- Dude, what the hell?
- You broke his face!
Sorry, I thought
he was a friend of mine.
Holy shit!
No, no, no, no!
Aahhh!
Well, hello.
Play with me, camper.
No.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit! Is this real?
Somebody help us!
Get your hands off me.
Give me a hug!
- No, no hug.
- Love me!
Get the hell away from me,
you freaking weirdo.
Aahh! Please stop!
Oh my God. Mommy!
Hey, give me... hey!
Ooh, shiny.
Stupid!
Who wants to be tickled?
- That's enough.
- Dude.
Just give me a hug, man.
You just grabbed love handles.
You don't do that.
No, no, no!
Don't be such a baby!
Give me a hug, man!
What's your problem?
- Smile!
- Take the photo!
- Smile!
- Take the photo, man!
Just relax!
- I'm not paying for that.
- Yes, you are.
- Thanks, Lucy!
- Stop it.
Ow! Asshole!
Welcome to the jungle, bitch!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
How'd you find me?
How'd you...?
All right,
shooters...
...hoedown.
moves, shoot it!
Let them critters have it!
Come on, big bitch!
- Okay.
- Yippee ki-yay, mother...!
- Hey, Dad!
- Hey, guys.
Guess you missed
freakin' Buckee.
What a freakin'...
Hey, look at that, pizza's here.
Thank you so much.
All right, guys, dig in.
What's that?
What is what?
Haven't you ever
had pizza before?
No.
Your... your dad's never
taken you for pizza?
Jeff's not my dad.
Jeff's not your dad?
No.
Who... who is he?
I don't know.
He just took me.
All right, that's it.
I knew something was wrong.
Everybody get up, get up.
Get up right now.
Come with me.
Let's go.
Look, ma'am,
this is an emergency, okay?
His wristband
doesn't match yours.
Okay, you're... you're okay
with a kid
dangling from
a sprinkler system,
but all of a sudden
an adult wants to leave
with a kid that's not his,
and you have a problem
with that?
That didn't come out right,
but look... look,
do I... do I look like a predator?
Yeah.
Is it the windbreaker?
Yeah.
No!
Slow down!
- Sorry.
- Look, do you know this man?
No. I don't know
any of these people.
That's a lie.
That's a lie right there.
You lie.
We met today at the park.
- You don't remember meeting us...
- Buckee, thank you.
- Please.
- What's up, pal?
- Okay.
- You're a tough guy now?
We've been through this already.
- Buckee, look out!
- Oh, shit.
Buckee! Holy shit!
Come here, man.
You guys stay with me.
Stay with me.
Hey, Lucas, stop.
Hey, trust me,
you don't have a choice.
Hop in, boys.
Seat belts.
Hey, why did CJ tell us
you're not his dad?
Because I'm not.
Okay.
Lucas, get out of the van.
I can't.
I'm sick of this shit.
Bring it, bitch.
Who the hell are you?
Who's that guy?
A guy who wants to kill you.
- Who are they?
- They want to kill you, too.
- Why?
- Because they think you know.
Know what?
Get in, Bri!
Shit! Man!
I don't know anything.
Why would they think I know?
Twenty people knocking 'cos
they're wanting some more
Let me in baby,
I don't know what you've got
- Dad, what's going on?
- Nothing.
We're just having a little fun.
It's just some fun, right guys?
- You guys having fun?
- Not really.
Okay,
get those seat belts on now!
He's got a gun!
No, no.
What the hell is that?
What are you doing?
We're on a freeway.
Just tell me
what the hell is going on.
Hey buddies,
put some headphones on
and throw in one
of my DVDs back there.
Doctor Hannibal Lecter.
Can you just tell me?
Look, they're not after me.
They're after CJ.
CJ? Why are they after him?
Because I rescued him
from some very bad people.
What... what kind of bad people?
- I don't know, bad people.
- Okay, that's it.
Do me a favor,
pull... pull over right now.
- Let us out.
- Oh, no way.
You've got one too.
What the hell?
Are you kidding me?
Oh, your child abduction photo
is way better than mine.
Amber Bros.
Okay, pull the car
over right now.
I'm calling the cops.
That's it, you're done.
Probably not a good idea
with the whole Amber alert
and all, huh?
The hell's my phone?
Fuck!
I left it at Buckee Cheese.
I'm not turning around, Bri-Bri.
The hostess at Buckee Cheese
thought I was,
you know, kidnapping the kids.
Do I look like a child predator?
It's the windbreaker.
Incoming call from Emily.
Dad, why is Mom calling Jeff?
Oh, uh, because I gave
Mom Jeff's contact info
- in case...
- In case what?
In case things went really well,
and then we became,
like, best friends.
We're all just, like,
hanging out together.
It's like, hey...
Well, we don't want
to disappoint her.
No, no, no, no.
Emily!
Hey, how you doing sweetie?
Oh, hi.
Um, is this Jeff?
Hit me with it girl.
I can't wait to meet you
in person.
I've heard so many good things.
- Okay, hey...
- Brian won't shut up about you.
- Hey, Em.
- Hey.
Jeff sounds so nice.
You said he was some kind
of like dumb-ass weirdo.
No, no, no, no.
He's not a weirdo.
No, no, no.
I said he's like a speirdo.
He carries a lot of spirit
and funness.
Oh, a speirdo?
Well, look at you
making friends.
Oh, wow.
Are you guys in like
a high speed chase or something?
Second one today.
Crazy shit, right?
It's insane indeed.
Hey, how's that
conference going?
Pretty eventful,
actually.
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
That's awesome.
Say hi for me.
Buckle in, boys.
What are you doing?
Relax, Bri.
Just let me do my thing.
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night...
This is the rhythm
of the night
Hey, hey.
Slow down.
You're gonna kill someone.
Hey, hey, hey!
Take me to the...
What are you crazy?
Oh, my God.
Feel you give me love again
Whoa.
Round and round we go
each time I hear you say
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night, oh yeah
Hey, stop!
- Stop!
- No, no, no.
- Move.
- No, no, no.
Move.
- Move.
- No!
Move.
Read the signs!
They're suggestions.
The rhythm of the night
Hands on the wheel!
Hands on the wheel!
Oh my God!
Go, go, go!
No! Holy shit!
- Hey, there's a baby!
- Baby.
There's a baby!
Run!
Are you purposely trying
to hit people?
- Uh-uh. Oh, shit.
- No!
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night
Oh, yeah
Ha-ha.
- The rhythm of the night
- It's you.
- No!
- It's on you.
Take the wheel.
All right.
- Whoo!
- Keep going.
Look out! Oh, my God.
We got a problem here?
We got a problem here?
We got a problem?
Oh, shit.
Dad, the police.
Oh my god!
Are you serious?
Still want me to pull over?
Remember, you're
a child abductor.
You're a child abductor, Dad?
- Put your headphones on.
- He is.
Man, what are we gonna do?
Boom!
That was cool of them, right?
Look at this.
It's like our tribe.
The Mama Mafia.
A bunch of drunk ass
soccer moms.
Probably on their way
to have lunch.
What kind of food?
They wanna let me in
but they're watching
my game ESPN
studying the moves,
trying to replicate...
Oh, shit.
A fricking pedo
drives one of ours.
What... what are you doing?
Blending in, Bri.
Watch this shit.
Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa!
What the hell's she doing?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Look, I can't be seen.
You got an Amber alert on you,
bro.
I think we're way past that.
Ladies, our day
has finally come.
Pedo on the parkway,
and he's right behind me.
Oh my god, Leslie.
What do we do?
Assume the diamond formation.
This is what we train for,
ladies.
Roger that. I'm going in.
Watch my six, Marla.
Let's castrate this mother...
Whoa. Whoa. Hey, hey.
Why are you slowing down?
Cuz your girlfriends
are boxing me in.
It's on, Bri.
I'm gonna ram the shit
out of 'em.
Yeah, ram 'em.
No, do not ram them.
Oh, shit.
- She's hot, bro.
- Don't start with her.
Dude, she's a firecracker.
I don't think
I can kill this one.
What?
Whoa. Shit.
What up, bitch?
Oh, I'm the bitch?
I'm the bitch?!
Can we not try
and kill her, please?
Eli! Eli,
take your earphones out.
Get Mama's taser from her purse.
No, not that one,
the other taser.
Yeah, you're gonna put your
Fortnite skills to use, sweetie.
See that dick face
in the front seat?
No.
That's man's a pervert.
What do we do
to perverts, honey?
We zap him in the ball sack.
Face works too, honey.
Make Mama proud.
Little minion's trying
to execute me, dude.
Just shut the window.
I'm not backing down, Brian.
- He's the enemy.
- He's 12!
Exactly!
Eli, what the hell
are you waiting for?
Take him down!
You ain't gonna do it.
You ain't shit, bro.
You ain't shit!
Oh my god!
Did you just see that?
Dad, they're not stopping!
What are we gonna do?
Relax, Bri.
These things have a way
of working themselves out.
Ooh.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
Woo! Yes!
Oh my, pound it, dude!
- Pound it!
- No!
I'm not pounding it!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
All right, that's it.
We're out of here.
Totally.
Let's take a breather, Bri-Bri.
Stop calling me Bri-Bri, okay?
We're not friends.
Wow.
What the hell is that?
Thanks to your creepy
Amber alert,
we got to steal another one.
You stole that?
You think I bought
some bitch-ass minivan?
That's it.
CJ, Lucas, we are going.
We're out of here.
You're not taking CJ.
Oh, I absolutely am.
- Where are you gonna go?
- Home.
Out of here.
Away from this
freaking insanity.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Really? Why not?
'Cause they're gonna find you
and your family
and murder the shit out
of every last one of you.
What's your problem?
Hey, Lucas,
stay in eyesight, huh?
How are they gonna find me, huh?
Cause they found me, Bri.
And I drove 200 miles
to escape 'em.
Ugh.
Okay.
Wait.
Okay, if I tell you the story,
you gotta promise
to keep an open mind.
You don't look like
you're gonna keep an open mind.
I will keep an open mind.
Can you just go?
So remember that security gig
I took when I left the army?
Well, it was at this
top secret building.
I didn't know who owned it
or what went on in there
because I was never
allowed inside.
The job was pretty strenuous.
Lots of problem solving.
And I got to pretend
I was Kung Fu freaking Panda,
which was pretty
freaking awesome.
Hiya!
So all I was told to do
was patrol the area
and submit
to random drug tests, Ow.
Which I have no idea
how I passed,
'cause there's like literally
no chance I passed.
Anyway, so when I was working
this top secret building,
the only other employee
I ever saw there
was this bearded dude
who looked just
like Zach Galifianakis.
But it wasn't him, 'cause
I asked him once and he said,
"No, but I get that
all the time."
You see, we were never allowed
to give our real names.
So I just called him
Galifianak-ish.
So a few weeks ago,
this truck pulls up to the
warehouse with a package,
which was super weird
because I don't even have
an Amazon account.
I didn't want to leave it
outside all night
in case it was something
super important,
like the Ark of the Covenant.
So I brought it in.
And that's when I heard it.
Oh, shit.
You're surrounded, asshole!
We're... we're all gonna
blow your head off.
Oh my god.
Who's there?
I'm in here.
So I busted
through the door
because I'm big
and freaking awesome.
And then what did I do?
I can't live...
I rescued him like a rescuer.
Like the Yellowstone guy
from The Bodyguard ,
but way more badass and cool.
I can't give...
And there you have it.
- There you have it?
- Yeah.
You are gorilla-ass crazy.
Do you understand that?
Destroy
Agh!
Liquid Psycho.
This stuff's amazing, huh?
A thousand milligrams
of caffeine.
Is that a lot?
I mean, I feel like I'm on fire.
Like I'm riding a dragon,
like, like I'm white lightning!
Kids! Kids!
Oh my god! Calm down!
Now, who are these guys?
Why don't we just go
to the cops?
Well, there was
a little misunderstanding.
What type of misunderstanding?
Good morning.
So here's the deal.
He's not my kid, but
he's definitely someone's kid,
so I had to steal him away.
But now that I stole him,
I think someone's coming
after us trying to kill us.
You guys know
what I'm saying, right?
I can't live
if living is without you
Can't live
That is quite
a misunderstanding.
Right?
So cops are kind of out
of the question now.
What?
Is he coming?
Check it. I stole these.
No freakin' way.
Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
Is this your new girlfriend?
We got a problem here?
We got a problem here, punk ass?
Oh, shit.
You're frickin' dead.
Straight outta Compton
crazy broth a named Ice Cube
from the stupid-dope gang
wit a attitude
So when I'm in
your neighborhood
you better duck
'cause Ice Cube
is crazy as...
As I leave
believe I'm stompin' now
- Yeah!
- Compton
So nothing you've told me
is true.
There's no dead wife.
Well, that's good news, right?
Okay.
So let me get this straight.
There's a group of hardcore guys
out there that wanna kill me
and my entire family,
all because you stole CJ
from some secret facility.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Anything else you lied about?
Actually, I might have lied
about something else.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
CJ's name isn't Christopher Jif.
It's not?
That's a peanut butter.
I don't know what it stands for.
So, you're right, Bri.
All we have is each other now.
I never said that.
Lucas, CJ, let's go.
Where the hell are they?
Lucas! CJ!
CJ!
Oh, my God!
They found us.
What are you doing?
Stealing a car.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.
Now is this meant to be
or is this meant to be?
- I'm gonna get my kid.
- Bri-Bri!
Damn it.
Lucas!
Lucas!
- What's happening?
- Lucas!
She brought a casserole.
It was awful.
- Lucas!
- What's going on?
Lucas!
Oh, my God!
Lucas!
Lucas!
It's okay. It's okay.
I got you, all right?
- You're safe, you're safe.
- No, no. Where's Jeff?
We don't need Jeff, okay?
No, we gotta find Jeff.
He needs to protect us, Dad.
We gotta find him.
No, no, no!
No!
No! No, no, no! No!
You see that?
Sick, right?
God, I'm good!
Okay, not bad.
Dad, they're still coming.
Go, go, go, go!
Are they coming?
How do they keep finding us?
You thinking Treadstone?
Okay, that's a movie.
That's not real.
You know,
the way they track Matt Damon.
You know, everything on us
is traceable.
That's it.
They have my phone.
They're... they're tracking Lucas
with my phone.
Okay, Lucas,
take your GPS button
and turn it off, okay?
And keep it off.
Yeah, keep it off, Lucas.
This is all your fault.
I'm kidding, dude.
I'm kidding.
It's mostly your fault,
but not all your fault.
Thanks for what you did
back there.
That was really cool of you.
Cool.
Ow.
Huh, this is crazy.
I don't even know
what I'm thinking, man.
- What?
- Can't even be a good dad.
What are you talking about?
You're the one
who saved him, Bri.
You're a great dad.
And you got a great kid.
Kid who loves you.
I don't know about that.
You know... I gotta tell you
being a stepdad is...
I thought I'd have kids
in my 20s or 30s.
That didn't happen.
I was okay with that.
But then they put Emily
in my life
and I was like, wow, you know,
this amazing woman
who's kind of out of my league.
Totally out of your league.
Like way, way out.
- Okay.
- Like looks.
- Yeah, that.
- Personality.
Pretty much every way possible.
I got it.
I got what you're saying.
And she came with this kid...
And he started calling me Dad
and I was like, Oh, man.
You know, I don't know how
to do this stuff, you know?
And I thought I didn't even
deserve to be called Dad.
I started feeling bad
for him, you know?
He got saddled with
an old guy like me.
What are you,
a cool guy like you?
Bri, you're a great guy.
Like, I'd kill
to have a dad like you.
And the way you take care
of him is so cool.
We gotta get
them some place safe, okay?
Some place completely
off the grid.
I know just the place.
They'll never find us.
This is where we're hiding out?
Sick, right?
- Look at you.
- Gordon, I'm naked!
- Jeff?
- Hey, Gordon.
Hey.
Brian, this is Gordon,
- my estranged deadbeat dad.
- Pleasure.
That's Lucas, Brian's son,
and this here is CJ.
Ah, you never told me
you had a kid.
I don't have a kid.
Are you blind?
He's the spitting image of you
when you were his age.
I think.
Did, uh, Jeff mention
I abandoned him
when he was four?
Not yet, no, no.
Good. Good.
Well, come on in.
Let's go.
Hey, can you believe
he's still mad at me
for something that happened
30 years ago?
You dropped me off
in an orphanage for girls.
And you're welcome.
Brian,
when... when his mom died,
I mean, I just... I panicked.
It was just me.
I was young, stupid.
I was afraid I was in
over my head being a dad,
but kept tabs on you, didn't I?
Here we go.
This is what I want to show you.
Here we go.
See, you two are dead ringers.
Oh, look at my little Jeffy
with all his foster families.
You're a lucky bastard.
Well...
He's not wrong.
He looks just like you.
CJ's my son?
What's going on here?
How's that even possible?
Do you even know who his mom is?
Due to my deep-seated
emotional issues,
I've easily slept
with thousands and thousands
and thousands of women.
You're welcome.
How many women
have you slept with, Dad?
That's not your business.
That's none of your business.
So you're my son, little man.
No wonder you're so handsome
and awesome.
Hell yeah.
We're gonna make
such a good team.
We're gonna have
so much fun together.
Up high.
Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Gordon.
- Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Look, um...
we need a favor.
These guys keep coming after us.
It's not safe for the kids.
Can we leave them here
for a bit?
We're hoping you can look
after them for a while
until we figure all this out.
Yeah, um...
Will you help me, Dad?
I can't. Sorry...
I'm just not that... guy.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Man, we gotta find out
why they did this to you.
You know, why would anyone
want a kid from me?
Why should I be a dad?
You saw mine.
That's why I enlisted.
You know, I had my own team.
Finally had a family.
And I couldn't even
do that right.
Sarge, what are you doing?
Take him out!
I couldn't do it,
so they court-martialed me.
You're still my
perfect soldier, Jeff.
I wish I had more of you.
Perfect soldier, my ass.
That's not a flaw, man, at all.
I gotta be honest,
it sounds like that colonel guy,
like he really liked you.
Yeah, Colonel Kurtz.
He always had my back.
That's what it's all about, see?
Letting them know
that we have their backs.
I got it, you got it
Mm, they want it
Wow, yeah.
He's definitely your son.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing.
I mean, we just...
It's kind of like
we eat the same thing.
It's like, you know,
just like when you...
You were eating.
We gotta figure out
why they did this to you.
You don't know anyone
in that top secret...
whatever?
- Zach Galifianak-ish.
- Whoa, whoa.
Easy, easy, easy.
I'm good.
How in the world
are we gonna find this guy?
We're gonna pretend to bang him.
What?
Zach couldn't get women
so he'd come to me to help him
with all his dating apps.
Zach had no game.
- Obviously, I do.
- Mm.
So I'd pretend to be him
and text all these girls for him
and I was amazing at it.
Whoo-hoo!
Daddy's back in business.
Oh boy.
This is the one.
I can get this one.
Why is that?
Because she's half blind!
She can't even see me.
That's pretty sweet.
Dude, is that my body?
Yeah, yeah.
I should have asked.
I got excited.
And that's the plan.
We're gonna catfish
this bag of shit.
We don't need to find him.
We're gonna bring him to us.
And our fake profile
name will be... Candi.
Candi?
What, you want
to call her Karen?
- I like Candi, Dad.
- Would you just...
Hey, just put your headphones on
and stop listening.
You sit back.
Let a master do the work.
Okay.
Well, hello, handsome sailor.
Well, hello handsome sailor.
Ugh, here we go again.
I just got
into town and you are hot.
Russian bots.
Nice try, Putin.
Blocked.
This user has blocked you.
What?
All right,
just give me the phone.
- Give it to me, all right?
- Relax, Bri.
Look, maybe this time you just
come in a little slower.
Listen,
you wanna get smashed or what?
Ugh.
Report.
This user has reported you.
What is his problem?
Give me this thing.
You're done.
What are you gonna do?
I'm telling you
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna come in nice
and slow, but steady.
Hi, I'm Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm on fire tonight.
I just read your profile.
I, too, am interested in...
Pterodactyls, bulimia,
Love is Blind,
and the Mormon culture.
Oh, this is so annoying.
Yes, it seems
like we have much in common,
but now
who's your favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon.
Uh...
Top Gun Maverick.
Not even a person.
Jay-Z.
My favorite
Mormon is, of course, Jay-Z.
Oh, she's the one.
It is so nice to talk with
someone actually normal here.
I hate when people come across
so disgusting and aggressive.
Get your grubby thoughts
off of me, you know?
Totally.
So do you want
to get smashed or not?
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
You want to know
what really turns me on?
I'm just a boy
about to make love
to a woman
about to make love
to a woman
some call it intercourse
- Oh, no.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, not again.
- Sup, bitch?
- Got you, fool.
Mmm, not going to jail.
Eat shit,.
Okay.
You and I are gonna have
a very calm conversation.
What did you do to my son?
Dude, just please take
the hood off.
I already know who you are,
dumb-ass.
Oh, shit. Really?
Yeah, Jeff.
You're a pretty
specific looking guy.
Damn it!
I want answers.
Now.
Start talking, bro.
Uh-uh.
Oh, you want to get
waterboarded?
What?
You asked for it.
How are you gonna...?
That's not how you waterboard,
Jeff.
That's right.
What are you,
making me a protein shake?
Be prepared to talk, bitch.
- Not... Oh, come on.
- Are you thirsty?
Yeah, how do you
like them apples?!
Okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I was about to break him.
Get over here.
Ugh.
Yes, Mom?
Yeah, well,
what's going on over here,
it's just not working, okay?
What?
When I almost killed him?
You moisturized him
is what you did.
Okay, so you're bad cop?
- I can be bad cop.
- Okay.
- You can do it, Dad.
- Yeah, I know.
- Go get it out of him.
- I'll do it right now.
What are we gonna do?
What's that for?
Torture his ass.
Reservoir Dogs.
All right. Yeah, all right.
I can't wait to see this.
- Reservoir Dogs style.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
Who's laughing now, bitch?
Well, I don't know
why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that
Something ain't right
You look like Chris Christie
is on Dancing with the Stars.
He's not... he's not scared.
- He's not afraid.
- Don't be a quitter.
Get back in there.
Guess what?
Playtime is over.
Oh.
That's like
a traveling cosmetic kit.
You bet it is.
Pick your weapon, my friend.
Uh, the toothbrush?
Do you want this in you?
Man, what?
I'll start this way.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, stab him already.
Look, the two boys over there
would probably do
a better job interrogating me.
Why don't you swap places
with them?
Hey, look at me.
You're making me look pathetic
in front of my kid, okay?
I'm not gonna
tell you anything, okay?
It doesn't matter
what you offer me.
It doesn't matter
what you do to me.
I'm not gonna tell you
what happened.
Here's exactly what happened.
So, how do I put this?
That... that kid over there,
that's... that's not your son.
Who somehow looks a lot like you
is because he is
a genetic analog of you.
Genetic analog?
You mean like a clone?
Yeah. Smart kid.
Clone.
He's a genetic analog.
A clone.
His name's CJ.
That literally means
Clone Jeff.
So he's exactly like me?
Well, modified version of you.
See, he's faster, stronger,
and way smarter than you, okay.
He's a better version of you.
You are community college.
He is Harvard plus.
Why would you do this?
No, I didn't clone anyone.
I'm just like a babysitter.
Then who did this?
I... I... I can't tell you.
All I got is a name
and I'm not telling you
because they... ah, okay!
It's Simon Maddox.
Simon Maddox.
Put down the lamp.
Simon Maddox.
Who the hell is Simon Maddox?
Oh, wow.
You guys have no idea
what you just stepped into.
Okay.
Who is Simon Maddox?
And why the hell
would he clone Jeff?
Ergh. Aaagh!
Hah.
I used to sing and play the
blues in a little old band
We got brave and we hit
the road in a '61 van
Wow, this guy's a genius.
Oh man, super genius.
Mm, mm, mm!
Get that fight in there.
Mm, mm, mm!
Oof. Okay.
Also super creepy.
Fourteen dollars
in the kitty
when we left Folger City
and we headed down south
Whoa.
You can read my mind?
Yes. Crazy.
I turned toward the swamp
to look around
Hah! Hah!
Bayou Belle give
your guitar heck
Wait, I got an idea.
Alexa, play some
old-school hip-hop.
Ninety-nine, baby
I'm on the grind, baby
Show me something
You can do it
put your back into it
I can do it
put your into it...
Sick.
Tic-tic-boom, hear me banging
down these back streets
Bumpin' Blackstreet
treated like an athlete
we be clubbing
till the day we die
ask the bartender
if you think we lie...
Crap.
Hey, Em,
we're running a little bit late.
That's all, hon.
Em?
You can do it
put your back into it
Em?
Look at your screen.
Would you like us
to follow Emily home?
Pay her a little visit?
No. Would not like that.
Then you bring the boy to us.
Drive to the coordinates
that we send to you.
Otherwise, we will
visit your wife.
You see, Bri-Bri?
How much fun are you
having right now?
Whooh! God, you're good.
So how'd you track down
this Simon Maddox?
You do your forensic accounting?
Hm.
Bri-Bri? You okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Man, it's finally happening.
CJ and I are finally connecting.
Isn't this incredible?
It is, yeah.
Hey, I gotta thank you
for that little talk earlier.
I think you're right.
I really am gonna
be the best dad.
He's got a gun!
Oh, my God!
They're gonna kill her!
So how much further, Bri-Bri?
No, no, not... not much.
Man, I can't wait to see
this ass-hat face-to-face.
Right, CJ?
Right.
Huh, this can't be right.
Pictured it more of like
an Area 51 type place.
Maybe you did your
forensicing wrong.
- Lucas, get in the van.
- Why?
Get in the van
right now, please.
Bri? What's going on?
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
For what?
Get down!
Freeze!
Don't you move!
Dude, they were coming
after Emily, all right?
They were firing guns
and... and everything, man.
I... I... I didn't know what to do.
Shake that, shake that
Shake that, shake that
go at best
Shake that, shake that
Make it jiggle
make it jiggle
Do a jump, split
Make it wiggle
Make it wiggle
Make that, make that
Wanna shake it?
Wanna...
Who the hell are you?
Oh, you already know my name.
What's that?
Captain Dickface?
No.
This is Simon Maddox.
Hey, you touch him
and I'll kill you!
Don't touch him!
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing this anyway?
He's just a kid.
He is not just a kid.
Why me?
Why'd you do this to me?
I'm not the one
who can answer that.
Come on, CJ.
Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Let me at least
say goodbye to him.
Trust me, this is harder
for you than it is for him.
CJ isn't capable of making
any emotional connections.
It's literally not in his DNA.
Well, that's bullshit.
I'll prove it.
Hey.
I love you, little man.
And I know you love me, too.
I don't know what you mean.
What does love mean?
It's in your heart.
Don't you feel anything
in your heart?
No?
Do you feel anything at all?
No.
I don't believe that.
So this isn't goodbye, okay?
I'll see you again real soon.
Up high.
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging, dude.
Not now.
Please.
CJ!
Lu... Lucas.
Lucas, let's go.
Lucas, get in the van.
This is the rhythm
of the night
How do you like me now?
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, did I get him?
Did... did I look cool?
No.
But you distracted him,
and then Jeff took him out.
Oh.
Hey, Lucas, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm just...
I just may not be the dad
you... you need or you...
I mean, the one you really want.
What do you mean?
I'm not young.
You know, I'm not badass.
I'm just not a...
You are my dad.
I don't want you
to change at all.
You don't?
No.
I have you, right?
Right.
Hey, Jeff, should I tie him up
and torture his ass
like we did
with the fat leprechaun?
Would you?
I need a moment to recover
from your dad's
gut-wrenching betrayal.
I'm... I'm really sorry,
all right?
Doesn't matter.
I failed.
You... you didn't fail him.
We gotta go get him.
Didn't you hear what he said?
He doesn't care about me.
Okay, so that's it.
After all we've been through?
Whatever.
He doesn't want me
to come get him.
Of course he wants you to come.
Listen to me.
Hey! Listen to me!
You're not your dad.
Okay?
You know how I know this?
I know you got heart.
Careful, Bri.
You're starting to talk
like we're best friends.
Nah, closer but...
It's your phone.
Lucas, w... where's the tracker?
Well, it's in my hood...
CJ has it.
I thought you shut it off?
I did.
You know what this means?
- What?
- Why don't you tell him, Luke?
It means he turned
the tracker on
because he wants you
to go save him.
How do we know
that's what he wants?
Because you're his dad.
Damn right, I am.
Oh, this is where you worked?
- Mm-hm.
- It's like a lab.
Why would they bring him
back here?
This guy's a freaking nerd.
Lucas, I need you to stay
in the van
and lock the door, okay?
Lucas, I want to keep
you safe, all right?
That's the most important thing
to me, okay?
Okay, but you're gonna
come back, though, right?
Of course we're coming back.
Right, Jeff?
Both of us?
Sure.
Let's do this.
Oh.
Really?
Quit screwing around.
Hey, why... why is the door open?
It's like they're expecting us.
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Split up and cover more ground.
You gotta say that to me, okay?
That's what I just said.
I was...
You didn't.
with your freaking hands.
- I did not...
- Stop with the hands.
- Oh, my God!
- Hi.
CJ, you scared the crap
out of me.
That's a weird outfit.
Well, that's easier
than I thought.
Let's call your dad.
- Hey, what's up?
- Found CJ, huh?
How about that, huh?
- How's that possible?
- What are you talking about?
What, you think you're the only
one that could be the, uh...
hero?
Wait, there's two CJs?
This is insane.
Which one's ours?
I don't know.
Hey, little dudes.
Which one of you two
is my little guy?
Whoa, whoa, hey! Guys! Guys!
Hey, chill!
Bitch!
That was a little excessive,
huh?
It was self-defense!
What are they, possessed?
No, no, I'm not...
I don't like
where this is going.
I'm out.
Oh, gosh.
What the hell.
Oh, come on.
- Okay.
- Nope.
No. No. No.
What the hell is going on here?
All right,
everyone needs to just relax.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Relax! Relax.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Go, go, go, go!
- No!
- Sorry.
Ah, you gotta help me!
- Sorry.
- He's biting me.
Jeff, I can't see.
Get him off!
I'm so sorry.
Why are you apologizing?
For beating the shit
out of little versions of me.
I have no one
to talk to about it.
Stop it! Stop it!
I don't like that.
Just punch him and apologize.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Oh, God.
I can't believe
they cloned that many.
What assholes.
There's a lot of them.
You, uh...
You hear that?
Yeah.
What is that?
I don't know.
A T-rex?
Oh... Oh... Oh, my God!
Get some! Get some!
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no!
Thelma and Louise?
We have to hold hands?
Yeah, we gotta hold hands.
What the hell.
It's like they got
dog collars on, look at...
Look at them.
It's an electric fence.
They can't get past here.
It's incredible.
Yes!
Idiots! What's up now?
- Yeah, now!
- What's up now?
What's up now?
- Suck it!
- Yeah! That's what he said!
Okay, okay.
Hey, Bri.
Remember what Jenny
said to Forrest
when he was gimping around
with those metal things
on his legs?
No.
Run, Forrest! Run!
God.
Ugh.
'Sup dawg?
Hello, Jeff.
Lucas! Lucas!
- We gotta go!
- Dad!
- We gotta go!
- Wh... what's happening?
Where's Jeff?
Colonel?
What are you doing
with this freakin' nerd?
Why don't you just shut
your face, you loser.
I own a Bugatti, okay?
I get tons of hot chicks now.
I see you two have become pals.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, after all you've done
for us, Jeff,
you deserve some answers now.
Yeah. Why'd you do this to me?
Because you were
my perfect soldier.
A true physical specimen.
But do you know
what your kryptonite is?
Gefilte fish?
You have too much... empathy.
CJ. You okay?
See, son,
you weren't the only soldier
to let your country down
in the field.
Soldiers get tired.
They get afraid
and start to have feelings.
Well, I needed
to fix that problem.
So when I stumbled
upon Simon's genius here...
Genius, bitch.
Even Simon didn't realize what
his technology could create.
It could create
the perfect genetic soldier.
All we needed
was your superior DNA.
Random drug tests.
You were our ideal candidate,
Jeff.
So you're telling me
all those little guys out there
are going to be super soldiers?
Each one designed
to never get tired.
And now for one final test.
Go ahead, CJ.
Do what you were trained to do.
Sergeant Eamon,
thank you for your service.
CJ... listen, man.
Yeah, I...
you're not a machine.
You know how I know that?
Because if we're the same,
it means we got the same heart.
Fuck!
Everybody wants you
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make
you mine...
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Everybody sees you
Everybody looks and stares
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
You broke my heart.
Ha-ha.
How do you like me now?!
This is the rhythm
of the night
Ooh!
Did I get him?
Ooh.
How'd I do?
Did I look cool?
You did, Dad.
And you looked badass.
Yeah, I did.
We did it, little guy.
Up high.
How to keep your love away?
Best friends, Bri?
Best friends, Bri-Bri.
How are we gonna get home?
We don't have a car.
I guess we'll just have
to steal another one, huh?
Attaboy, Bri.
Hey, one second.
What are we gonna do
with all those
psycho killing machines
in there?
Kaboom, bitch!
Let's go!
Ah-hah, yeah
Come on, ha-ha
Yeah
Got my picture on the wall
like a VIP
next to the no-check sign
that's just me
Tell me, what a loser
Tune in for the revolution
Hey.
Butthead.
I've been meaning to ask you.
I'm so sorry.
You know what they say?
Sorry.
I'm not back in town, Bri!
He's a very dangerous
12-year-old.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Hey, what's up?
What?
- I'm sorry.
- Damn it!
- Are you insane?
- Am I insane?
You're absolutely back crap...!
- I'm back crap?
- You're back crap.
You was always hot
The rhymes
were always tighter
Like what?
Well, first of all,
how about tanning cream
and bikini underwear?
That's another problem.
Hold up.
What are you gonna do
about all those psycho family?
What are those names called?
What are they called?
- Psycho family.
- What are they?
Hold up.
What are you gonna do?
Can you believe
he's still mad at me
for something
that happened 30 years ago?
Did you take my parking spot,
Brian?
Beep!
Guys, I made my own beep sound.
That's an all-time low,
even for my acting.
You cool with just one Bri?
What is it?
You cool if I just call you...
Damn it.
You co... You co... You...
How about just one Bri?
How about just one Bri?
Cool?
How about just one Bri?
Cool?
Yeah, okay.
Ugh.
Oh, hey!
Look at that list of
super fun stuff I made for me.
It's CJ and me to do now
that CJ's mom went tits-up.
Damn it, man.
Buckle in, boys.
Hey, what are you doing?
There's different kids
back there.
Now we're really screwed.
We got different kids
all this time.
You keep forgetting the kids!
Hold up.
What are we gonna do
about all those
psycho killing machines
in there?
You have the same problem I do.
Oh, I almost dropped this.
Clear! Clear!
Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em
next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me bro, dude.
Don't call me bro, son.
One guy died in my arms
while I slowly
watched him bleed out.
Sick, right?
I hate that.
Hiya!
I missed the door.
Sorry.
God.
Emily!
Hey, how you doing, sweetie?
Oh, hi.
Is this Jeff?
In the... flesh.
Hi, Em.
Is that me?
I'm waiting.
I don't want to...
- I screwed it up.
- I don't want to get... all right.
I was trying to come up
with something else.
Okay, get off. I smell your ass
in a raccoon hat.
I didn't know
where to put my legs.
That was a very weird one, man.
Ow!
So? Tell me about the playdate.
Lucas said it was, like,
literally the best day
of his whole entire life.
Well,
it was definitely something.
Bri-Bri!
Jeff, what the hell
are you doing?
It's two o'clock in the morning.
You didn't give me an address,
so I had to knock
on a lot of doors.
You're never gonna guess
what happened.
I don't feel like guessing.
- Oh, guess.
- I don't want to guess.
- Oh, just guess.
- I'm not...
- I'm not guessing.
- Guess.
You stole another minivan.
What?
That's a stupid guess.
No.
They burned our house down.
Who, Maddox?
No, totally different group
of bad people.
I'll tell you all about it.
Let's go, CJ.
I call top bunk.
Bottom.
- Dude, how sick is this?
We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
Oh, mama!
Pass the ball!
All right, guys, bring it in.
All right,
come on, come on, come on,
Get in here. Huddle up.
We got a minute left here, okay?
We are tied up.
Lucas, whe... where are you?
- Lucas, where are you?
- I'm right here, Dad.
- Go, Lucas!
- Get in here.
- You're on the team. Let's go.
- Come on.
You're kidding.
He sucks.
Nobody covered him
in the second quarter.
I'm getting triple teamed
out there.
Well, you know what?
Then I'll tell you what. Um...
Dude,
have you even played lacrosse?
Just cold play, loser.
Okay, fine. You know what...
That's a play.
We're gonna get
the ball to Lucas.
- What, are you high?
- Yes, that's the plan.
Lucas, you're gonna take
the shot.
We're gonna win
this thing, okay?
Let's get in there.
What do you say?
- I say we're gonna lose.
- I don't care.
Let's win this thing
as a team, guys.
- This is bullshit.
- Let's go, guys.
Let's go.
We are heroes.
Dad, are you sure about this?
I mean, everyone's just gonna
be pissed off at me
if I mess this up.
Maybe I should just go
sit on the bench.
Sit on the bench?
Buddy, you are set up
for the hero moment.
When we watch
those sports movies,
and it comes down
to those final few seconds,
and everything turns
to slow motion,
that's where the hero emerges.
Whoa!
Everything slows down,
and they make the shot,
and it's victory!
And they throw 'em
on their shoulders,
and they're going crazy.
The girls are gonna be
Lucas, Lucas!
That's how we win.
- All right.
- All right?
- Let's do it.
- Let's make it happen.
I love you, Dad.
Okay, sshh.
Hey, maybe lower.
This, this is sports.
We don't...
We kind of...
It's already assumed.
It's assumed.
Lucas!
All right, please, yes.
Oh, please.
Please, God.
Please.
Yes!
Oh, my God!
Lucas, go!
Eye of the tiger!
What the hell is he doing?
Why is he moving in slow motion?
I might have told him to.
No! He had no right!
- No way!
- You suck, Lucas.
You're okay.
He's okay.
You just got the wind
knocked out of ya.
He got the wind
knocked out of him.
He's fine.
Gonna come back quick.
Help me.
Maybe lacrosse isn't his thing?
I mean, maybe he's just not
a sports kind of kid at all.
Four leaf clover
won't you come over
Baby, give me a chance
Look, playing a sport
is important to him.
I mean, this is all I know.
This is what I did.
I... I connected with my father
through sports.
Oh, honey, I know this whole
new stepdad thing can't be easy
and I love that you're trying
so hard to connect with him.
I really, I really am.
You and Lucas will find
your thing too,
but you just gotta give it time.
You can't force it.
Come here. I love you.
I love you.
Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em
next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me bro, dude.
Don't call me dude, son.
Don't call me son, bitch.
- I'm not a bitch, you're a...
- Oh my God, stop.
You okay?
Yeah, fine, it's just...
By the way, how long does
it take Lucas to take a leak?
Oh, can you check on him for me?
He gets bladder shy.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
It's Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
Look, I'm sorry if I did
anything to piss you guys off.
Honestly, I... I just want it
to be cool between us.
Oh, shit.
Hey! Don't touch him.
Daddy's here.
Let's go, Lucas.
Let me tell you something.
You touch him again,
I come back here,
I personally kick
every one of your asses.
Every one, every ass.
I kick it, you understand?
Just let's go, Lucas.
Come on.
Do you understand what you guys
almost got into?
Do you have any idea
the annihilation
that would have
taken place here?
Annihilation.
Wait, you want to go?
You feeling frisky?
You want to go?
You know what?
I'll go.
- Hm?
- You want to go?
- Let's go.
- How old are you?
What the hell
where'd you come from?
- Let's go.
- I don't...
I'm not saying
I don't want to go.
I'm just saying we can go.
Stop talking shit
and just do it, old man.
- Hit me.
- Bring the voice down.
Okay, we're in a locker room.
It's a lot of acoustics.
You just said you could kick
all our asses.
I know.
I haven't even eaten yet.
We have reservations
at Benihana.
You know where they do
the smoking volcano thing
with the runyons.
It's fine.
Let's go, Lucas man.
Go. Just...
better watch it next time.
Yeah.
All right.
What's that kid's name anyway?
- Kurt.
- Kurt.
Freaking Kurt.
Do you realize
how... how... how
- that would have went down?
- Oh, yeah.
I would have kicked
all their asses.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.
Now, I should go back there.
I'm gonna go back there.
- No, no, no, no.
- He's probably not there, right?
- I mean, I'm gonna...
- It's fine, Dad.
I should just close
this shit out, man.
- This is crazy.
- No, no, no, no.
It's... it's fine, Dad.
I'm used to it.
What do you mean
you're used to it?
That's not...
see, that's not something
you should be used to.
How often does this happen?
Uh, every day.
I mean, there's no way
for him to escape.
Did you know it was this bad?
No. What should we do?
Nothing now,
because I slammed it down.
I shut it, you know?
I took care of things.
I nipped it in
the bud, you know? So...
You got to call the school
and the principal right away.
What? No.
You can't do that.
Then he's a rat.
You saw The Departed.
He'll get whacked.
Brian, you're his dad now.
This is something a dad
needs to handle.
You're right.
You're right.
I... Hey, look at me.
I promise you I'll never let
anything bad happen to him.
All right?
- All right.
- I gotta get back to work.
When I get back, we'll take care
of this, all right?
Hey, no more bullies.
Kick his ass!
- Please get off!
- Oh, oh!
Get him, you little bitch!
Dude, I got five grand on you!
Go, go!
C... Claire said
you wanted to see me?
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, come on in.
Just, uh, just grab...
Grab a seat.
- Go! Go!
- You can do it!
Believe in yourself!
Yeah! Whoo!
Pay up,.
Hey, so listen.
The Pfizer thing.
You're gonna straighten out
those numbers, right?
Well, I mean, the numbers
are what the numbers are.
First of all, don't yell at me.
Okay, then.
I didn't think I was yelling.
Sounded like yelling.
Numbers are a little tight,
dawg,
so just make them a little
loosey-goosey, you know?
Well, I mean,
if we loosen them up...
Hey, calm down.
If we loosen them up,
then what you're gonna do
is you're basically,
you're asking me
to commit fraud.
What?!
Whoa.
Listen, Dad is gonna flip out
if he sees these numbers.
Bro, you can't let Dad flip out.
You can't let Dad flip out.
I mean, he's not...
He's not my dad.
- What?!
- How dare you!
You shut your face!
Let me ask you something.
How do you think this is going?
Well, I thought it was going
better when I first...
That's not a question.
But here's the answer:
You're fired!
My dad always hated you.
Okay.
Big booty bitches
You're winning
you're winning
Drop it down low
Yeah, spinnin' spinnin'
Shake it, girl.
So you can't get
low, low, low
Big booty bitches
You're winning
you're winning
So they called you
a baby back bitch?
Do they do that a lot?
No, it doesn't matter.
Whatever it is.
I had to lay down the law
is what I did.
But, you know,
there's the standards.
There's standards.
I'm just cut from the cloth
of a higher standard,
if that makes any sense.
I don't know if it does,
but that's... you... you get
what I'm saying, right?
No, you're right.
Yeah. You're right.
What?
You're such a badass.
You're not a baby back bitch.
We'll just have to cut back
on a few things
until you find something else.
Maybe we pump the brakes
on his dance lessons, huh?
Mm-hm. Mm, mm.
We're paying for that?
A lot.
You know, I still have
that open invitation
to rejoin my old firm.
I thought you wanted
to stay home with Lucas.
I do, but we also need
an income, right?
So maybe you tag in
and do the whole
stay-at-home dad thing
for a bit.
You want me to stay at home
with... with him all day,
just me and him?
It would just be temporary.
Plus, it'd be so good
for you and Lucas.
It would give you
all this one-on-one time
to just like bond.
So you can't get
low no more
Ugh!
Was that good?
Very good, sweetie.
It was very good.
There's really no way
to tell, pal.
I love vacation,
and I'm all numb...
Hey, bud.
Aren't you, uh,
supposed to be in school?
No, it's teacher in service day.
The hell is that?
It's when teachers
learn new techniques
to help them
with their teaching.
And you get a day off for that?
Why don't they work
that out on their,
like, their own time?
Well, I don't know,
but it's good for us.
So what are we gonna do today?
We?
Boom. There you are.
A puzzle.
Look at that.
Huh?
It's 25,000 pieces.
Yeah, it is.
That's weeks' worth.
Maybe even a month.
Who knows?
- I'm kind of hungry, actually.
- Oh.
Am I supposed to cook
you something,
- or...
- Sure
Is that what your mother
would do?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. Uh, yeah.
Let's, uh, let's get after it.
You ever try intermittent
fasting, by the way?
- Intermittent fasting?
- Fasting, yeah.
It's amazing for your colon.
I'm in with you.
Let's both do it.
What do you say?
Okay, well... I'm sorry.
I'm just really hungry.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
All right, uh...
Sometimes Mom makes me
breakfast sandwiches
with the King's Hawaiian rolls.
Oh, these are cool.
These are really good.
I like them.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, so you know
what to do with that,
and that's... that's amazing.
- That's really cool.
- Yeah, I think so.
- All right.
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
You want to make them
with me or...?
No, you're good.
All right.
You wanna throw
the football around?
Do a little boxing?
- Nah.
- We could do, uh...
How about this?
Or just do weird crap
on your own,
that's fine too.
What up, bitch?
But you do owe me 50 bucks,
I'm not fooling around on that.
I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Relax.
- You relax.
I want my fucking money.
This dude looks like
my AA sponsor.
Dude looks like
my garbage man.
That gold crown ain't really
really relaxin'
All twenty-six packs
on taxes
Who are you?
I'm Brian.
Do you party, Brian?
Do I party?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, in college,
I did, I guess.
I'm Leslie.
This is Ivy, Jess and Marla.
We got the Mama Mafia here.
- What's up?
- What's up?
Hello. Nice to meet you,
uh... Mama Mafia.
Did you take my parking spot,
Brian?
Oh, is that yours?
All the gray Honda Odysseys?
All of them, are they all yours?
- Yeah.
- Safest SUV on the market
and gray's least likely
to get stolen.
Is there a problem?
No, no, no, I didn't know.
And it was just felt
like crazy to me,
but crazy sensible.
Like you got the exact
same color and everything.
It's pretty cool.
- Snack bag?
- Oh, thank you very much.
- I appreciate that.
- Those are for the kids.
Yeah, I know they are.
Give it back, Brian.
Back, Brian.
You've had enough
frickin' snacks.
So you want to be in?
You want to join the mafia?
Do I want to join
the Mama Mafia?
- Yeah.
- No.
I don't... I don't even know,
you know, what the Mama Mafia
really is about.
It's easy. Weekdays,
we're here at 10 AM,
we drop the kids,
they go apeshit.
Yeah, at 12, we caravan
down to Chili's, eat lunch,
and get ripped up.
But mainly to get ripped up!
Yeah, you want some wine?
I... I don't drink so much
during the day, you know?
You want coke?
Ivy's got speed.
No, not now, 'cause I'm
watching my, uh, son. Um...
You're gonna have to lose
the windbreaker, though.
- Oh.
- You want to get jumped in?
- Jumped in?
- Yeah.
You can keep your clothes on.
Uh, not right away.
You know what it is?
Oh, that's Lucas.
Okay, that's my boy.
He's a wanderer
and my wife got him
this wearable GPS tracker.
- Did your wife pick your jacket?
- She might have.
I'll see you later.
- Uh...
- No, you won't, Brian.
- Okay.
- You freaking won't.
I hope not.
All right, Lucas,
let's just try
to throw a spiral,
- you know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
Spiral.
You want to position your hand
on the back quarter of the ball.
Here you go.
It's just a nice, tight spiral.
Nice and tight.
Okay. All right.
Can you pick that one up?
- Love you, Dad.
- Yeah, no worries.
Try to catch those, okay?
Makes it so much more fun.
That wasn't it.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
Sorry. My bad.
This is gonna suck.
Thread that needle, I see it.
Was that good?
That's more...
That wasn't threaded,
that was more crochet.
All right.
All right, Lucas,
let's turn it up a notch.
What do you say, okay?
See what I'm doin'?
Okay,
you try to catch those though.
That's what you got to do.
You take it right in the chest.
Hey, give you a little tip.
It's these fingers for a spiral.
Yeah, I know
how to throw a spiral.
It's probably
because you got tiny hands.
It can be tricky
with little mitts like that.
You just got to adjust
your grip like this.
You don't, well...
I mean a little bit, yeah.
Hey, what do you say
we play a game?
Nah, I'm good.
I'm just...
You thinking
like a little two-on-two?
No, I'm not thinking
that at all.
Okay, fun.
CJ, go cover his kid! Here.
- I didn't even...
- Hike it. Hike the ball.
I don't even know
what we're doing.
Hey, stay tight on him.
Stay tight.
- That's all we're doing.
- Hike it, dude.
- I don't even know the rules.
- Ready? Ready?
Can you just listen?
Oh my God!
Oh look,
they're friends already.
Shake it, girl, come and get it.
Do you mind, uh, getting off me?
Fatherhood, huh?
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, look, your kid's catching
a bug with my little bugger.
Oh, that should keep them busy
for a while.
I stand corrected.
CJ, let it go!
No! Drop it!
Hmm.
Dude's always putting stuff
in his mouth.
Your kid ever go
through that phase?
Maybe when he was one.
Yeah, we're taking
a little longer.
Name's Jeff.
Uh, Brian.
Outstanding.
You ever go by Bri-Bri?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
Bri-Bri is a badass name, dude.
I knew a Bri-Bri
in the army once.
Bri-Bri once used a severed arm
of a Taliban
to diffuse an IED in a sewer.
I miss Bri-Bri.
Was he killed in action?
No, got crushed by a van
leaving Chipotle.
What about one Bri?
Is that cool?
- Sure.
- Okay, Bri...
Bri.
Okay. Uh, Lucas.
Let's get going, bud.
- What do you say, you know?
- Already?
- Yeah.
- We just got here.
Yeah, I know but your mother
wanted us back
for dinner and things.
We got to get ready.
- Dad, it's 10 in the morning.
- I...
But CJ invited me
over his house.
He just moved here
and he said there's a tree
in his backyard
that looks just
like Mark Ruffalo.
Freakin' uncanny.
It's why we rented the place.
So can we go
over their house, please?
CJ's cool.
He said my hoodie's dope.
It is a pretty dope ass hoodie.
Please?
Sure, sure.
All right. Why not.
- Hell yeah, dude!
- Yeah, okay.
Fuck yeah!
CJ, game on!
They're coming
to our place, bro.
Up high.
- Whoa.
- Mm.
Doesn't totally get high fives.
You wanna dance?
I said submit!
Submit!
No, CJ! No!
Release.
CJ, stand down!
CJ, stop it!
Little dude's super strong.
Oh, yeah.
You guys go on ahead
while I put him out real quick.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay, yeah.
- Go to sleep. Sleep.
- We're gonna go.
I'm so excited to be here.
Yeah, don't get too
comfortable, all right?
I texted your mom our location,
you know, just in case.
Well, just in case what?
In case the guy murders us.
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Come in, come in.
- Hey, CJ. What's up?
- Okay.
- Don't let go.
All right.
- There we go.
- Yeah.
Hey, I'm good.
- Missed you, buddy.
- Yeah, nice to see you.
We're still unpacking,
but I did clean the place
up for you.
Sorry. I'm beat, man.
- Yeah.
- CJ barely sleeps.
Lucky if he gets
two hours a night.
Two hours?
That can't be healthy.
Yeah, it's fine.
What's that old saying?
Kids are like horses?
No, no one's ever
said that at all.
Wow. Were you in the Army?
I was.
Well, that's Bri-Bri
with Commander Colonel Kurtz.
First Special Forces
Operational Detachment.
Delta Force.
Whoa. Delta Force?
Yeah. You know, one time,
I saw two guys
get their heads blown off.
One guy bled out in my arms
while I slowly watched him die.
Sick, right?
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Jesus.
- Wow.
Pretty crazy story.
I'm sure you got a lot more,
but if you tell me,
you're gonna have
to kill me, right?
I am gonna have to kill you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Take it easy!
Hey!
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
There was some left in there.
Oh, God.
It's a ketchup dispenser.
Came with a
matching mustard gun.
Isn't that fun?
Let me get you a paper towel.
Hey, Dad. Dad.
Isn't Jeff super cool
and strong,
and look how big he is.
Yeah, he's big, but it's...
It's genetics, you know?
I mean,
I'm sure his dad was very big,
and his mother
was an American bison.
Plus, when you get that big,
you don't live that long.
Okay, whatever.
Uh, CJ, want to go outside
so I can show you
some more dance moves?
Hell yeah!
Oh, you're okay
with him cursing like that?
Yeah, words can't hurt anyone.
Worst case,
I tell him to go to bed,
he calls me a buck-tooth bitch.
All right.
If you don't mind me asking,
I mean, where's CJ's mom?
Oh, she passed away
a few months ago.
Yeah, she was real sick.
Sorry to hear about that.
That's all right.
She was gonna die anyway.
That's why we moved
to a new town.
Make a fresh start, you know?
Had some money saved up
from a security gig.
Thought I'd do the
stay-at-home-dad thing
while CJ gets acclimated.
What about you?
Your wife croak too?
No.
She's alive and well at work.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
She's a lawyer.
I'm a forensic accountant.
Oh, forensics?
Like autopsies and stuff?
Forensic accountant.
Oh, that's boring.
So what does CJ
stand for anyway?
Christopher Jif.
- Like the peanut butter?
- Uh-huh.
Like this peanut butter?
The one you looked at
right before you said Jif?
Yeah, I looked
at the peanut butter
because I was thinking
of making us
some peanut butter sandwiches,
which was CJ's
mom's favorite food,
which is why
his middle name is Jif.
Oh, hey, look at that fun list
of stuff I did for me and CJ
to do now that his mom
went tits-up.
- One, make new friends.
- Check.
- Go to Buckee Cheese.
- Oh, love Buckee Cheese.
Do ayahuasca in the desert.
He's gonna love that.
Freak out
the fat lady across the street.
Dad? Dad?
There's a guy in the backyard
watching us.
Where?
Lucas is just kidding.
No, I'm not.
I'm serious.
There's a guy out there.
- He's just staring at us.
- Come on, Lucas.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we go get lunch?
- You guys like Buckee Cheese?
- Sure.
You can help us
cross it off the list.
- Can we, Dad?
- Of course we can.
Uh, you know,
he's got a dance lesson.
No, I don't.
Hope no one's allergic to fun.
I know I'm not.
Okay. Pile in, boys.
What the hell is with
all the gray Odysseys?
This is awesome, right?
- You suck.
- Creeper.
Man, that kid is fearless.
Look at him hanging upside down
from...
What's he hanging
upside down on?
That would be
the sprinkler system.
Oh. Well, you know
what they say.
A kid falls
and cracks his skull,
- that's how they learn, right?
- Mm, no.
No, that's not how they...
No one's ever said that.
Look at how happy he is.
You know, this is the first time
I've ever seen him smile.
You never... you never seen
your kid smile?
Since his mom died.
Yeah, like, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
You know, I can't imagine
what you guys...
Man, God is so good.
You know, the first day my son
meets his new best friend,
so did I.
Fathead.
- Do you want to start a band?
- No.
Um, well, you know,
uh... Jeff, look, I... I...
First of all,
this is... this is great.
- I know.
- Yeah, and you...
you just seem like a great guy.
You do. You got the thing.
And... and things are moving kind
of fast with this whole thing.
Like, a lot is going on
in my life right now
and it feels like, you know,
you're asking a lot, you know?
So first of all, I want
to tell you about myself.
I've recently got married.
It just feels like
I gotta concentrate on that.
You really can't be best friends
with somebody
when things are moving so fast
when you don't know
someone so well.
I mean... Oh, no, no.
Listen, I didn't mean...
I didn't mean it like that.
Hello, miss.
Can I get the super socks
for 500 tickets, please?
Thanks.
Whoa.
Holy shit!
- Dude, what the hell?
- You broke his face!
Sorry, I thought
he was a friend of mine.
Holy shit!
No, no, no, no!
Aahhh!
Well, hello.
Play with me, camper.
No.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit! Is this real?
Somebody help us!
Get your hands off me.
Give me a hug!
- No, no hug.
- Love me!
Get the hell away from me,
you freaking weirdo.
Aahh! Please stop!
Oh my God. Mommy!
Hey, give me... hey!
Ooh, shiny.
Stupid!
Who wants to be tickled?
- That's enough.
- Dude.
Just give me a hug, man.
You just grabbed love handles.
You don't do that.
No, no, no!
Don't be such a baby!
Give me a hug, man!
What's your problem?
- Smile!
- Take the photo!
- Smile!
- Take the photo, man!
Just relax!
- I'm not paying for that.
- Yes, you are.
- Thanks, Lucy!
- Stop it.
Ow! Asshole!
Welcome to the jungle, bitch!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
How'd you find me?
How'd you...?
All right,
shooters...
...hoedown.
moves, shoot it!
Let them critters have it!
Come on, big bitch!
- Okay.
- Yippee ki-yay, mother...!
- Hey, Dad!
- Hey, guys.
Guess you missed
freakin' Buckee.
What a freakin'...
Hey, look at that, pizza's here.
Thank you so much.
All right, guys, dig in.
What's that?
What is what?
Haven't you ever
had pizza before?
No.
Your... your dad's never
taken you for pizza?
Jeff's not my dad.
Jeff's not your dad?
No.
Who... who is he?
I don't know.
He just took me.
All right, that's it.
I knew something was wrong.
Everybody get up, get up.
Get up right now.
Come with me.
Let's go.
Look, ma'am,
this is an emergency, okay?
His wristband
doesn't match yours.
Okay, you're... you're okay
with a kid
dangling from
a sprinkler system,
but all of a sudden
an adult wants to leave
with a kid that's not his,
and you have a problem
with that?
That didn't come out right,
but look... look,
do I... do I look like a predator?
Yeah.
Is it the windbreaker?
Yeah.
No!
Slow down!
- Sorry.
- Look, do you know this man?
No. I don't know
any of these people.
That's a lie.
That's a lie right there.
You lie.
We met today at the park.
- You don't remember meeting us...
- Buckee, thank you.
- Please.
- What's up, pal?
- Okay.
- You're a tough guy now?
We've been through this already.
- Buckee, look out!
- Oh, shit.
Buckee! Holy shit!
Come here, man.
You guys stay with me.
Stay with me.
Hey, Lucas, stop.
Hey, trust me,
you don't have a choice.
Hop in, boys.
Seat belts.
Hey, why did CJ tell us
you're not his dad?
Because I'm not.
Okay.
Lucas, get out of the van.
I can't.
I'm sick of this shit.
Bring it, bitch.
Who the hell are you?
Who's that guy?
A guy who wants to kill you.
- Who are they?
- They want to kill you, too.
- Why?
- Because they think you know.
Know what?
Get in, Bri!
Shit! Man!
I don't know anything.
Why would they think I know?
Twenty people knocking 'cos
they're wanting some more
Let me in baby,
I don't know what you've got
- Dad, what's going on?
- Nothing.
We're just having a little fun.
It's just some fun, right guys?
- You guys having fun?
- Not really.
Okay,
get those seat belts on now!
He's got a gun!
No, no.
What the hell is that?
What are you doing?
We're on a freeway.
Just tell me
what the hell is going on.
Hey buddies,
put some headphones on
and throw in one
of my DVDs back there.
Doctor Hannibal Lecter.
Can you just tell me?
Look, they're not after me.
They're after CJ.
CJ? Why are they after him?
Because I rescued him
from some very bad people.
What... what kind of bad people?
- I don't know, bad people.
- Okay, that's it.
Do me a favor,
pull... pull over right now.
- Let us out.
- Oh, no way.
You've got one too.
What the hell?
Are you kidding me?
Oh, your child abduction photo
is way better than mine.
Amber Bros.
Okay, pull the car
over right now.
I'm calling the cops.
That's it, you're done.
Probably not a good idea
with the whole Amber alert
and all, huh?
The hell's my phone?
Fuck!
I left it at Buckee Cheese.
I'm not turning around, Bri-Bri.
The hostess at Buckee Cheese
thought I was,
you know, kidnapping the kids.
Do I look like a child predator?
It's the windbreaker.
Incoming call from Emily.
Dad, why is Mom calling Jeff?
Oh, uh, because I gave
Mom Jeff's contact info
- in case...
- In case what?
In case things went really well,
and then we became,
like, best friends.
We're all just, like,
hanging out together.
It's like, hey...
Well, we don't want
to disappoint her.
No, no, no, no.
Emily!
Hey, how you doing sweetie?
Oh, hi.
Um, is this Jeff?
Hit me with it girl.
I can't wait to meet you
in person.
I've heard so many good things.
- Okay, hey...
- Brian won't shut up about you.
- Hey, Em.
- Hey.
Jeff sounds so nice.
You said he was some kind
of like dumb-ass weirdo.
No, no, no, no.
He's not a weirdo.
No, no, no.
I said he's like a speirdo.
He carries a lot of spirit
and funness.
Oh, a speirdo?
Well, look at you
making friends.
Oh, wow.
Are you guys in like
a high speed chase or something?
Second one today.
Crazy shit, right?
It's insane indeed.
Hey, how's that
conference going?
Pretty eventful,
actually.
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
That's awesome.
Say hi for me.
Buckle in, boys.
What are you doing?
Relax, Bri.
Just let me do my thing.
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night...
This is the rhythm
of the night
Hey, hey.
Slow down.
You're gonna kill someone.
Hey, hey, hey!
Take me to the...
What are you crazy?
Oh, my God.
Feel you give me love again
Whoa.
Round and round we go
each time I hear you say
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night, oh yeah
Hey, stop!
- Stop!
- No, no, no.
- Move.
- No, no, no.
Move.
- Move.
- No!
Move.
Read the signs!
They're suggestions.
The rhythm of the night
Hands on the wheel!
Hands on the wheel!
Oh my God!
Go, go, go!
No! Holy shit!
- Hey, there's a baby!
- Baby.
There's a baby!
Run!
Are you purposely trying
to hit people?
- Uh-uh. Oh, shit.
- No!
This is the rhythm
of the night
The night
Oh, yeah
Ha-ha.
- The rhythm of the night
- It's you.
- No!
- It's on you.
Take the wheel.
All right.
- Whoo!
- Keep going.
Look out! Oh, my God.
We got a problem here?
We got a problem here?
We got a problem?
Oh, shit.
Dad, the police.
Oh my god!
Are you serious?
Still want me to pull over?
Remember, you're
a child abductor.
You're a child abductor, Dad?
- Put your headphones on.
- He is.
Man, what are we gonna do?
Boom!
That was cool of them, right?
Look at this.
It's like our tribe.
The Mama Mafia.
A bunch of drunk ass
soccer moms.
Probably on their way
to have lunch.
What kind of food?
They wanna let me in
but they're watching
my game ESPN
studying the moves,
trying to replicate...
Oh, shit.
A fricking pedo
drives one of ours.
What... what are you doing?
Blending in, Bri.
Watch this shit.
Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa!
What the hell's she doing?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Look, I can't be seen.
You got an Amber alert on you,
bro.
I think we're way past that.
Ladies, our day
has finally come.
Pedo on the parkway,
and he's right behind me.
Oh my god, Leslie.
What do we do?
Assume the diamond formation.
This is what we train for,
ladies.
Roger that. I'm going in.
Watch my six, Marla.
Let's castrate this mother...
Whoa. Whoa. Hey, hey.
Why are you slowing down?
Cuz your girlfriends
are boxing me in.
It's on, Bri.
I'm gonna ram the shit
out of 'em.
Yeah, ram 'em.
No, do not ram them.
Oh, shit.
- She's hot, bro.
- Don't start with her.
Dude, she's a firecracker.
I don't think
I can kill this one.
What?
Whoa. Shit.
What up, bitch?
Oh, I'm the bitch?
I'm the bitch?!
Can we not try
and kill her, please?
Eli! Eli,
take your earphones out.
Get Mama's taser from her purse.
No, not that one,
the other taser.
Yeah, you're gonna put your
Fortnite skills to use, sweetie.
See that dick face
in the front seat?
No.
That's man's a pervert.
What do we do
to perverts, honey?
We zap him in the ball sack.
Face works too, honey.
Make Mama proud.
Little minion's trying
to execute me, dude.
Just shut the window.
I'm not backing down, Brian.
- He's the enemy.
- He's 12!
Exactly!
Eli, what the hell
are you waiting for?
Take him down!
You ain't gonna do it.
You ain't shit, bro.
You ain't shit!
Oh my god!
Did you just see that?
Dad, they're not stopping!
What are we gonna do?
Relax, Bri.
These things have a way
of working themselves out.
Ooh.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
Woo! Yes!
Oh my, pound it, dude!
- Pound it!
- No!
I'm not pounding it!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
All right, that's it.
We're out of here.
Totally.
Let's take a breather, Bri-Bri.
Stop calling me Bri-Bri, okay?
We're not friends.
Wow.
What the hell is that?
Thanks to your creepy
Amber alert,
we got to steal another one.
You stole that?
You think I bought
some bitch-ass minivan?
That's it.
CJ, Lucas, we are going.
We're out of here.
You're not taking CJ.
Oh, I absolutely am.
- Where are you gonna go?
- Home.
Out of here.
Away from this
freaking insanity.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Really? Why not?
'Cause they're gonna find you
and your family
and murder the shit out
of every last one of you.
What's your problem?
Hey, Lucas,
stay in eyesight, huh?
How are they gonna find me, huh?
Cause they found me, Bri.
And I drove 200 miles
to escape 'em.
Ugh.
Okay.
Wait.
Okay, if I tell you the story,
you gotta promise
to keep an open mind.
You don't look like
you're gonna keep an open mind.
I will keep an open mind.
Can you just go?
So remember that security gig
I took when I left the army?
Well, it was at this
top secret building.
I didn't know who owned it
or what went on in there
because I was never
allowed inside.
The job was pretty strenuous.
Lots of problem solving.
And I got to pretend
I was Kung Fu freaking Panda,
which was pretty
freaking awesome.
Hiya!
So all I was told to do
was patrol the area
and submit
to random drug tests, Ow.
Which I have no idea
how I passed,
'cause there's like literally
no chance I passed.
Anyway, so when I was working
this top secret building,
the only other employee
I ever saw there
was this bearded dude
who looked just
like Zach Galifianakis.
But it wasn't him, 'cause
I asked him once and he said,
"No, but I get that
all the time."
You see, we were never allowed
to give our real names.
So I just called him
Galifianak-ish.
So a few weeks ago,
this truck pulls up to the
warehouse with a package,
which was super weird
because I don't even have
an Amazon account.
I didn't want to leave it
outside all night
in case it was something
super important,
like the Ark of the Covenant.
So I brought it in.
And that's when I heard it.
Oh, shit.
You're surrounded, asshole!
We're... we're all gonna
blow your head off.
Oh my god.
Who's there?
I'm in here.
So I busted
through the door
because I'm big
and freaking awesome.
And then what did I do?
I can't live...
I rescued him like a rescuer.
Like the Yellowstone guy
from The Bodyguard ,
but way more badass and cool.
I can't give...
And there you have it.
- There you have it?
- Yeah.
You are gorilla-ass crazy.
Do you understand that?
Destroy
Agh!
Liquid Psycho.
This stuff's amazing, huh?
A thousand milligrams
of caffeine.
Is that a lot?
I mean, I feel like I'm on fire.
Like I'm riding a dragon,
like, like I'm white lightning!
Kids! Kids!
Oh my god! Calm down!
Now, who are these guys?
Why don't we just go
to the cops?
Well, there was
a little misunderstanding.
What type of misunderstanding?
Good morning.
So here's the deal.
He's not my kid, but
he's definitely someone's kid,
so I had to steal him away.
But now that I stole him,
I think someone's coming
after us trying to kill us.
You guys know
what I'm saying, right?
I can't live
if living is without you
Can't live
That is quite
a misunderstanding.
Right?
So cops are kind of out
of the question now.
What?
Is he coming?
Check it. I stole these.
No freakin' way.
Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
Is this your new girlfriend?
We got a problem here?
We got a problem here, punk ass?
Oh, shit.
You're frickin' dead.
Straight outta Compton
crazy broth a named Ice Cube
from the stupid-dope gang
wit a attitude
So when I'm in
your neighborhood
you better duck
'cause Ice Cube
is crazy as...
As I leave
believe I'm stompin' now
- Yeah!
- Compton
So nothing you've told me
is true.
There's no dead wife.
Well, that's good news, right?
Okay.
So let me get this straight.
There's a group of hardcore guys
out there that wanna kill me
and my entire family,
all because you stole CJ
from some secret facility.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Anything else you lied about?
Actually, I might have lied
about something else.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
CJ's name isn't Christopher Jif.
It's not?
That's a peanut butter.
I don't know what it stands for.
So, you're right, Bri.
All we have is each other now.
I never said that.
Lucas, CJ, let's go.
Where the hell are they?
Lucas! CJ!
CJ!
Oh, my God!
They found us.
What are you doing?
Stealing a car.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.
Now is this meant to be
or is this meant to be?
- I'm gonna get my kid.
- Bri-Bri!
Damn it.
Lucas!
Lucas!
- What's happening?
- Lucas!
She brought a casserole.
It was awful.
- Lucas!
- What's going on?
Lucas!
Oh, my God!
Lucas!
Lucas!
It's okay. It's okay.
I got you, all right?
- You're safe, you're safe.
- No, no. Where's Jeff?
We don't need Jeff, okay?
No, we gotta find Jeff.
He needs to protect us, Dad.
We gotta find him.
No, no, no!
No!
No! No, no, no! No!
You see that?
Sick, right?
God, I'm good!
Okay, not bad.
Dad, they're still coming.
Go, go, go, go!
Are they coming?
How do they keep finding us?
You thinking Treadstone?
Okay, that's a movie.
That's not real.
You know,
the way they track Matt Damon.
You know, everything on us
is traceable.
That's it.
They have my phone.
They're... they're tracking Lucas
with my phone.
Okay, Lucas,
take your GPS button
and turn it off, okay?
And keep it off.
Yeah, keep it off, Lucas.
This is all your fault.
I'm kidding, dude.
I'm kidding.
It's mostly your fault,
but not all your fault.
Thanks for what you did
back there.
That was really cool of you.
Cool.
Ow.
Huh, this is crazy.
I don't even know
what I'm thinking, man.
- What?
- Can't even be a good dad.
What are you talking about?
You're the one
who saved him, Bri.
You're a great dad.
And you got a great kid.
Kid who loves you.
I don't know about that.
You know... I gotta tell you
being a stepdad is...
I thought I'd have kids
in my 20s or 30s.
That didn't happen.
I was okay with that.
But then they put Emily
in my life
and I was like, wow, you know,
this amazing woman
who's kind of out of my league.
Totally out of your league.
Like way, way out.
- Okay.
- Like looks.
- Yeah, that.
- Personality.
Pretty much every way possible.
I got it.
I got what you're saying.
And she came with this kid...
And he started calling me Dad
and I was like, Oh, man.
You know, I don't know how
to do this stuff, you know?
And I thought I didn't even
deserve to be called Dad.
I started feeling bad
for him, you know?
He got saddled with
an old guy like me.
What are you,
a cool guy like you?
Bri, you're a great guy.
Like, I'd kill
to have a dad like you.
And the way you take care
of him is so cool.
We gotta get
them some place safe, okay?
Some place completely
off the grid.
I know just the place.
They'll never find us.
This is where we're hiding out?
Sick, right?
- Look at you.
- Gordon, I'm naked!
- Jeff?
- Hey, Gordon.
Hey.
Brian, this is Gordon,
- my estranged deadbeat dad.
- Pleasure.
That's Lucas, Brian's son,
and this here is CJ.
Ah, you never told me
you had a kid.
I don't have a kid.
Are you blind?
He's the spitting image of you
when you were his age.
I think.
Did, uh, Jeff mention
I abandoned him
when he was four?
Not yet, no, no.
Good. Good.
Well, come on in.
Let's go.
Hey, can you believe
he's still mad at me
for something that happened
30 years ago?
You dropped me off
in an orphanage for girls.
And you're welcome.
Brian,
when... when his mom died,
I mean, I just... I panicked.
It was just me.
I was young, stupid.
I was afraid I was in
over my head being a dad,
but kept tabs on you, didn't I?
Here we go.
This is what I want to show you.
Here we go.
See, you two are dead ringers.
Oh, look at my little Jeffy
with all his foster families.
You're a lucky bastard.
Well...
He's not wrong.
He looks just like you.
CJ's my son?
What's going on here?
How's that even possible?
Do you even know who his mom is?
Due to my deep-seated
emotional issues,
I've easily slept
with thousands and thousands
and thousands of women.
You're welcome.
How many women
have you slept with, Dad?
That's not your business.
That's none of your business.
So you're my son, little man.
No wonder you're so handsome
and awesome.
Hell yeah.
We're gonna make
such a good team.
We're gonna have
so much fun together.
Up high.
Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Gordon.
- Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Look, um...
we need a favor.
These guys keep coming after us.
It's not safe for the kids.
Can we leave them here
for a bit?
We're hoping you can look
after them for a while
until we figure all this out.
Yeah, um...
Will you help me, Dad?
I can't. Sorry...
I'm just not that... guy.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Man, we gotta find out
why they did this to you.
You know, why would anyone
want a kid from me?
Why should I be a dad?
You saw mine.
That's why I enlisted.
You know, I had my own team.
Finally had a family.
And I couldn't even
do that right.
Sarge, what are you doing?
Take him out!
I couldn't do it,
so they court-martialed me.
You're still my
perfect soldier, Jeff.
I wish I had more of you.
Perfect soldier, my ass.
That's not a flaw, man, at all.
I gotta be honest,
it sounds like that colonel guy,
like he really liked you.
Yeah, Colonel Kurtz.
He always had my back.
That's what it's all about, see?
Letting them know
that we have their backs.
I got it, you got it
Mm, they want it
Wow, yeah.
He's definitely your son.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing.
I mean, we just...
It's kind of like
we eat the same thing.
It's like, you know,
just like when you...
You were eating.
We gotta figure out
why they did this to you.
You don't know anyone
in that top secret...
whatever?
- Zach Galifianak-ish.
- Whoa, whoa.
Easy, easy, easy.
I'm good.
How in the world
are we gonna find this guy?
We're gonna pretend to bang him.
What?
Zach couldn't get women
so he'd come to me to help him
with all his dating apps.
Zach had no game.
- Obviously, I do.
- Mm.
So I'd pretend to be him
and text all these girls for him
and I was amazing at it.
Whoo-hoo!
Daddy's back in business.
Oh boy.
This is the one.
I can get this one.
Why is that?
Because she's half blind!
She can't even see me.
That's pretty sweet.
Dude, is that my body?
Yeah, yeah.
I should have asked.
I got excited.
And that's the plan.
We're gonna catfish
this bag of shit.
We don't need to find him.
We're gonna bring him to us.
And our fake profile
name will be... Candi.
Candi?
What, you want
to call her Karen?
- I like Candi, Dad.
- Would you just...
Hey, just put your headphones on
and stop listening.
You sit back.
Let a master do the work.
Okay.
Well, hello, handsome sailor.
Well, hello handsome sailor.
Ugh, here we go again.
I just got
into town and you are hot.
Russian bots.
Nice try, Putin.
Blocked.
This user has blocked you.
What?
All right,
just give me the phone.
- Give it to me, all right?
- Relax, Bri.
Look, maybe this time you just
come in a little slower.
Listen,
you wanna get smashed or what?
Ugh.
Report.
This user has reported you.
What is his problem?
Give me this thing.
You're done.
What are you gonna do?
I'm telling you
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna come in nice
and slow, but steady.
Hi, I'm Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm on fire tonight.
I just read your profile.
I, too, am interested in...
Pterodactyls, bulimia,
Love is Blind,
and the Mormon culture.
Oh, this is so annoying.
Yes, it seems
like we have much in common,
but now
who's your favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon.
Uh...
Top Gun Maverick.
Not even a person.
Jay-Z.
My favorite
Mormon is, of course, Jay-Z.
Oh, she's the one.
It is so nice to talk with
someone actually normal here.
I hate when people come across
so disgusting and aggressive.
Get your grubby thoughts
off of me, you know?
Totally.
So do you want
to get smashed or not?
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
You want to know
what really turns me on?
I'm just a boy
about to make love
to a woman
about to make love
to a woman
some call it intercourse
- Oh, no.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, not again.
- Sup, bitch?
- Got you, fool.
Mmm, not going to jail.
Eat shit,.
Okay.
You and I are gonna have
a very calm conversation.
What did you do to my son?
Dude, just please take
the hood off.
I already know who you are,
dumb-ass.
Oh, shit. Really?
Yeah, Jeff.
You're a pretty
specific looking guy.
Damn it!
I want answers.
Now.
Start talking, bro.
Uh-uh.
Oh, you want to get
waterboarded?
What?
You asked for it.
How are you gonna...?
That's not how you waterboard,
Jeff.
That's right.
What are you,
making me a protein shake?
Be prepared to talk, bitch.
- Not... Oh, come on.
- Are you thirsty?
Yeah, how do you
like them apples?!
Okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I was about to break him.
Get over here.
Ugh.
Yes, Mom?
Yeah, well,
what's going on over here,
it's just not working, okay?
What?
When I almost killed him?
You moisturized him
is what you did.
Okay, so you're bad cop?
- I can be bad cop.
- Okay.
- You can do it, Dad.
- Yeah, I know.
- Go get it out of him.
- I'll do it right now.
What are we gonna do?
What's that for?
Torture his ass.
Reservoir Dogs.
All right. Yeah, all right.
I can't wait to see this.
- Reservoir Dogs style.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
Who's laughing now, bitch?
Well, I don't know
why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that
Something ain't right
You look like Chris Christie
is on Dancing with the Stars.
He's not... he's not scared.
- He's not afraid.
- Don't be a quitter.
Get back in there.
Guess what?
Playtime is over.
Oh.
That's like
a traveling cosmetic kit.
You bet it is.
Pick your weapon, my friend.
Uh, the toothbrush?
Do you want this in you?
Man, what?
I'll start this way.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, stab him already.
Look, the two boys over there
would probably do
a better job interrogating me.
Why don't you swap places
with them?
Hey, look at me.
You're making me look pathetic
in front of my kid, okay?
I'm not gonna
tell you anything, okay?
It doesn't matter
what you offer me.
It doesn't matter
what you do to me.
I'm not gonna tell you
what happened.
Here's exactly what happened.
So, how do I put this?
That... that kid over there,
that's... that's not your son.
Who somehow looks a lot like you
is because he is
a genetic analog of you.
Genetic analog?
You mean like a clone?
Yeah. Smart kid.
Clone.
He's a genetic analog.
A clone.
His name's CJ.
That literally means
Clone Jeff.
So he's exactly like me?
Well, modified version of you.
See, he's faster, stronger,
and way smarter than you, okay.
He's a better version of you.
You are community college.
He is Harvard plus.
Why would you do this?
No, I didn't clone anyone.
I'm just like a babysitter.
Then who did this?
I... I... I can't tell you.
All I got is a name
and I'm not telling you
because they... ah, okay!
It's Simon Maddox.
Simon Maddox.
Put down the lamp.
Simon Maddox.
Who the hell is Simon Maddox?
Oh, wow.
You guys have no idea
what you just stepped into.
Okay.
Who is Simon Maddox?
And why the hell
would he clone Jeff?
Ergh. Aaagh!
Hah.
I used to sing and play the
blues in a little old band
We got brave and we hit
the road in a '61 van
Wow, this guy's a genius.
Oh man, super genius.
Mm, mm, mm!
Get that fight in there.
Mm, mm, mm!
Oof. Okay.
Also super creepy.
Fourteen dollars
in the kitty
when we left Folger City
and we headed down south
Whoa.
You can read my mind?
Yes. Crazy.
I turned toward the swamp
to look around
Hah! Hah!
Bayou Belle give
your guitar heck
Wait, I got an idea.
Alexa, play some
old-school hip-hop.
Ninety-nine, baby
I'm on the grind, baby
Show me something
You can do it
put your back into it
I can do it
put your into it...
Sick.
Tic-tic-boom, hear me banging
down these back streets
Bumpin' Blackstreet
treated like an athlete
we be clubbing
till the day we die
ask the bartender
if you think we lie...
Crap.
Hey, Em,
we're running a little bit late.
That's all, hon.
Em?
You can do it
put your back into it
Em?
Look at your screen.
Would you like us
to follow Emily home?
Pay her a little visit?
No. Would not like that.
Then you bring the boy to us.
Drive to the coordinates
that we send to you.
Otherwise, we will
visit your wife.
You see, Bri-Bri?
How much fun are you
having right now?
Whooh! God, you're good.
So how'd you track down
this Simon Maddox?
You do your forensic accounting?
Hm.
Bri-Bri? You okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Man, it's finally happening.
CJ and I are finally connecting.
Isn't this incredible?
It is, yeah.
Hey, I gotta thank you
for that little talk earlier.
I think you're right.
I really am gonna
be the best dad.
He's got a gun!
Oh, my God!
They're gonna kill her!
So how much further, Bri-Bri?
No, no, not... not much.
Man, I can't wait to see
this ass-hat face-to-face.
Right, CJ?
Right.
Huh, this can't be right.
Pictured it more of like
an Area 51 type place.
Maybe you did your
forensicing wrong.
- Lucas, get in the van.
- Why?
Get in the van
right now, please.
Bri? What's going on?
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
For what?
Get down!
Freeze!
Don't you move!
Dude, they were coming
after Emily, all right?
They were firing guns
and... and everything, man.
I... I... I didn't know what to do.
Shake that, shake that
Shake that, shake that
go at best
Shake that, shake that
Make it jiggle
make it jiggle
Do a jump, split
Make it wiggle
Make it wiggle
Make that, make that
Wanna shake it?
Wanna...
Who the hell are you?
Oh, you already know my name.
What's that?
Captain Dickface?
No.
This is Simon Maddox.
Hey, you touch him
and I'll kill you!
Don't touch him!
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing this anyway?
He's just a kid.
He is not just a kid.
Why me?
Why'd you do this to me?
I'm not the one
who can answer that.
Come on, CJ.
Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Let me at least
say goodbye to him.
Trust me, this is harder
for you than it is for him.
CJ isn't capable of making
any emotional connections.
It's literally not in his DNA.
Well, that's bullshit.
I'll prove it.
Hey.
I love you, little man.
And I know you love me, too.
I don't know what you mean.
What does love mean?
It's in your heart.
Don't you feel anything
in your heart?
No?
Do you feel anything at all?
No.
I don't believe that.
So this isn't goodbye, okay?
I'll see you again real soon.
Up high.
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging, dude.
Not now.
Please.
CJ!
Lu... Lucas.
Lucas, let's go.
Lucas, get in the van.
This is the rhythm
of the night
How do you like me now?
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, did I get him?
Did... did I look cool?
No.
But you distracted him,
and then Jeff took him out.
Oh.
Hey, Lucas, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm just...
I just may not be the dad
you... you need or you...
I mean, the one you really want.
What do you mean?
I'm not young.
You know, I'm not badass.
I'm just not a...
You are my dad.
I don't want you
to change at all.
You don't?
No.
I have you, right?
Right.
Hey, Jeff, should I tie him up
and torture his ass
like we did
with the fat leprechaun?
Would you?
I need a moment to recover
from your dad's
gut-wrenching betrayal.
I'm... I'm really sorry,
all right?
Doesn't matter.
I failed.
You... you didn't fail him.
We gotta go get him.
Didn't you hear what he said?
He doesn't care about me.
Okay, so that's it.
After all we've been through?
Whatever.
He doesn't want me
to come get him.
Of course he wants you to come.
Listen to me.
Hey! Listen to me!
You're not your dad.
Okay?
You know how I know this?
I know you got heart.
Careful, Bri.
You're starting to talk
like we're best friends.
Nah, closer but...
It's your phone.
Lucas, w... where's the tracker?
Well, it's in my hood...
CJ has it.
I thought you shut it off?
I did.
You know what this means?
- What?
- Why don't you tell him, Luke?
It means he turned
the tracker on
because he wants you
to go save him.
How do we know
that's what he wants?
Because you're his dad.
Damn right, I am.
Oh, this is where you worked?
- Mm-hm.
- It's like a lab.
Why would they bring him
back here?
This guy's a freaking nerd.
Lucas, I need you to stay
in the van
and lock the door, okay?
Lucas, I want to keep
you safe, all right?
That's the most important thing
to me, okay?
Okay, but you're gonna
come back, though, right?
Of course we're coming back.
Right, Jeff?
Both of us?
Sure.
Let's do this.
Oh.
Really?
Quit screwing around.
Hey, why... why is the door open?
It's like they're expecting us.
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Split up and cover more ground.
You gotta say that to me, okay?
That's what I just said.
I was...
You didn't.
with your freaking hands.
- I did not...
- Stop with the hands.
- Oh, my God!
- Hi.
CJ, you scared the crap
out of me.
That's a weird outfit.
Well, that's easier
than I thought.
Let's call your dad.
- Hey, what's up?
- Found CJ, huh?
How about that, huh?
- How's that possible?
- What are you talking about?
What, you think you're the only
one that could be the, uh...
hero?
Wait, there's two CJs?
This is insane.
Which one's ours?
I don't know.
Hey, little dudes.
Which one of you two
is my little guy?
Whoa, whoa, hey! Guys! Guys!
Hey, chill!
Bitch!
That was a little excessive,
huh?
It was self-defense!
What are they, possessed?
No, no, I'm not...
I don't like
where this is going.
I'm out.
Oh, gosh.
What the hell.
Oh, come on.
- Okay.
- Nope.
No. No. No.
What the hell is going on here?
All right,
everyone needs to just relax.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Relax! Relax.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Go, go, go, go!
- No!
- Sorry.
Ah, you gotta help me!
- Sorry.
- He's biting me.
Jeff, I can't see.
Get him off!
I'm so sorry.
Why are you apologizing?
For beating the shit
out of little versions of me.
I have no one
to talk to about it.
Stop it! Stop it!
I don't like that.
Just punch him and apologize.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Oh, God.
I can't believe
they cloned that many.
What assholes.
There's a lot of them.
You, uh...
You hear that?
Yeah.
What is that?
I don't know.
A T-rex?
Oh... Oh... Oh, my God!
Get some! Get some!
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no!
Thelma and Louise?
We have to hold hands?
Yeah, we gotta hold hands.
What the hell.
It's like they got
dog collars on, look at...
Look at them.
It's an electric fence.
They can't get past here.
It's incredible.
Yes!
Idiots! What's up now?
- Yeah, now!
- What's up now?
What's up now?
- Suck it!
- Yeah! That's what he said!
Okay, okay.
Hey, Bri.
Remember what Jenny
said to Forrest
when he was gimping around
with those metal things
on his legs?
No.
Run, Forrest! Run!
God.
Ugh.
'Sup dawg?
Hello, Jeff.
Lucas! Lucas!
- We gotta go!
- Dad!
- We gotta go!
- Wh... what's happening?
Where's Jeff?
Colonel?
What are you doing
with this freakin' nerd?
Why don't you just shut
your face, you loser.
I own a Bugatti, okay?
I get tons of hot chicks now.
I see you two have become pals.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, after all you've done
for us, Jeff,
you deserve some answers now.
Yeah. Why'd you do this to me?
Because you were
my perfect soldier.
A true physical specimen.
But do you know
what your kryptonite is?
Gefilte fish?
You have too much... empathy.
CJ. You okay?
See, son,
you weren't the only soldier
to let your country down
in the field.
Soldiers get tired.
They get afraid
and start to have feelings.
Well, I needed
to fix that problem.
So when I stumbled
upon Simon's genius here...
Genius, bitch.
Even Simon didn't realize what
his technology could create.
It could create
the perfect genetic soldier.
All we needed
was your superior DNA.
Random drug tests.
You were our ideal candidate,
Jeff.
So you're telling me
all those little guys out there
are going to be super soldiers?
Each one designed
to never get tired.
And now for one final test.
Go ahead, CJ.
Do what you were trained to do.
Sergeant Eamon,
thank you for your service.
CJ... listen, man.
Yeah, I...
you're not a machine.
You know how I know that?
Because if we're the same,
it means we got the same heart.
Fuck!
Everybody wants you
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make
you mine...
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Everybody sees you
Everybody looks and stares
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na-na now
Baby, give it up
Give it up
Baby, give it up
You broke my heart.
Ha-ha.
How do you like me now?!
This is the rhythm
of the night
Ooh!
Did I get him?
Ooh.
How'd I do?
Did I look cool?
You did, Dad.
And you looked badass.
Yeah, I did.
We did it, little guy.
Up high.
How to keep your love away?
Best friends, Bri?
Best friends, Bri-Bri.
How are we gonna get home?
We don't have a car.
I guess we'll just have
to steal another one, huh?
Attaboy, Bri.
Hey, one second.
What are we gonna do
with all those
psycho killing machines
in there?
Kaboom, bitch!
Let's go!
Ah-hah, yeah
Come on, ha-ha
Yeah
Got my picture on the wall
like a VIP
next to the no-check sign
that's just me
Tell me, what a loser
Tune in for the revolution
Hey.
Butthead.
I've been meaning to ask you.
I'm so sorry.
You know what they say?
Sorry.
I'm not back in town, Bri!
He's a very dangerous
12-year-old.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Hey, what's up?
What?
- I'm sorry.
- Damn it!
- Are you insane?
- Am I insane?
You're absolutely back crap...!
- I'm back crap?
- You're back crap.
You was always hot
The rhymes
were always tighter
Like what?
Well, first of all,
how about tanning cream
and bikini underwear?
That's another problem.
Hold up.
What are you gonna do
about all those psycho family?
What are those names called?
What are they called?
- Psycho family.
- What are they?
Hold up.
What are you gonna do?
Can you believe
he's still mad at me
for something
that happened 30 years ago?
Did you take my parking spot,
Brian?
Beep!
Guys, I made my own beep sound.
That's an all-time low,
even for my acting.
You cool with just one Bri?
What is it?
You cool if I just call you...
Damn it.
You co... You co... You...
How about just one Bri?
How about just one Bri?
Cool?
How about just one Bri?
Cool?
Yeah, okay.
Ugh.
Oh, hey!
Look at that list of
super fun stuff I made for me.
It's CJ and me to do now
that CJ's mom went tits-up.
Damn it, man.
Buckle in, boys.
Hey, what are you doing?
There's different kids
back there.
Now we're really screwed.
We got different kids
all this time.
You keep forgetting the kids!
Hold up.
What are we gonna do
about all those
psycho killing machines
in there?
You have the same problem I do.
Oh, I almost dropped this.
Clear! Clear!
Yo, Hunt. We'll get 'em
next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me bro, dude.
Don't call me bro, son.
One guy died in my arms
while I slowly
watched him bleed out.
Sick, right?
I hate that.
Hiya!
I missed the door.
Sorry.
God.
Emily!
Hey, how you doing, sweetie?
Oh, hi.
Is this Jeff?
In the... flesh.
Hi, Em.
Is that me?
I'm waiting.
I don't want to...
- I screwed it up.
- I don't want to get... all right.
I was trying to come up
with something else.
Okay, get off. I smell your ass
in a raccoon hat.
I didn't know
where to put my legs.
That was a very weird one, man.
Ow!
So? Tell me about the playdate.
Lucas said it was, like,
literally the best day
of his whole entire life.
Well,
it was definitely something.
Bri-Bri!
Jeff, what the hell
are you doing?
It's two o'clock in the morning.
You didn't give me an address,
so I had to knock
on a lot of doors.
You're never gonna guess
what happened.
I don't feel like guessing.
- Oh, guess.
- I don't want to guess.
- Oh, just guess.
- I'm not...
- I'm not guessing.
- Guess.
You stole another minivan.
What?
That's a stupid guess.
No.
They burned our house down.
Who, Maddox?
No, totally different group
of bad people.
I'll tell you all about it.
Let's go, CJ.
I call top bunk.
Bottom.