Please Sir! (1971) Movie Script

1
'Morning.
'Morning, Mr. Hedges.
Hello, dear.
Morning, Price.
Do you know "The March to
the Scaffold" by Berlioz?
Oh, yes, yes, I think I might.
Aye, that's it.
Well, when he wrote that
he must have been thinking
of the first day of term at
Fenn Street bloody School.
I don't understand you, Price.
I regard the first day of term
as one of the peaks of my career.
Then you've got your graph upside down!
You see, the kids around here, Price,
haven't had much of a chance, you see.
But if we care,
I mean, if we commit ourselves
and if one kid responds,
that's all it takes.
One child and our job is worthwhile.
A child inarticulate, maybe,
but inside desperately
trying to express himself.
Get knotted!
Excited, Doris?
You might say that I
changed gear simultaneously.
Strange, I didn't feel
your hand on the lever.
Hello, Smithy.
The heady wine of youth, eh, Price?
With a bouquet like an open sewer.
He's not my uncle,
Mum, he's your fancy man
and if he's still here
tonight, I'm not coming in!
Ta-ta, Mum, me old darling!
Oh, Eric!
Aye?
What?
Hey, I'll tell you what, ma'am,
you ain't half putting on weight.
Hi, luv!
God be with you, Maureen.
Monsignor Saltworth.
Hello, Den.
God be with you.
When?
Oh, come on, Den.
You want to buy a bun or something?
Yeah, neat!
You look as if you've been
pulled through edge backward.
Oh, Mum, you said I could
see myself to the lollipop man
- when I got into big form.
- Yes, yes.
When Mummy's legs finally
get on top of her,
I said, Frankie.
It's all right, Mrs. Abbott,
I'll see your little
soldier across the road.
Oh, ta, dear.
Bye, then, my little darling.
Oh, get off!
Little Frankie!
You'll do what, show horse?
Tiny tots crossing it says here, mush.
Tiny tots...
Her, this is mine!
Hey!
Here, now then...
Welcome back, boys and girls.
Thank you.
Now, what exciting things
have we got in store for you
this term, eh?
I'm sure I dunno.
Do tell!
Once again, a party from
Fenn Street will be going
for two wizard weeks to a rural centre.
Now, what do you think about that?
What a load of rubbish!
What a load of rubbish!
What a load of rubbish!
What a load of rubbish!
Mr. Hedges!
Your class!
What a load of rubbish!
What a load of rubbish!
Damned ignorant youth,
that's what you are!
Damned red shirts!
Wait till your body's been
cascaded with shrapnel
like mine was, you know,
then you can jostle me.
Until then, don't make a
monkey out of a desert rat!
Sit!
Up straight!
Well, Duffy?
That's right.
What was all that about?
Oh, I dunno why you
should ask me, chief.
I mean, I'm the quiet,
introspective child of the class, ain't I?
You're about as quiet and introspective
as Baby Face Nelson.
Oh, he's in 3B, isn't he?
Sharon!
What were you doing in
assembly this morning?
Abbott!
What?
Oh, nothing.
I was having a smoke in the lavs.
Oh, sweet cigarettes!
Ah, I'm on a pipe these days.
Hey!
Now, come on, boy.
Now, what was the meaning
of that singing in assembly this morning?
Well...
It was like another way of saying things.
Like a semaphore.
Er, metaphor, you mean.
See?
It like doth behove unto birds,
all manner of fish, of course, er...
Oh, frogs?
Croak, croak.
Them.
And of course, them
creatures which do slither
or just sit there and smell.
Like flowers.
Maureen, what an earth
are you talking about?
What we sang.
"All Things Bright and Beautiful."
Don't be stupid, Maureen.
I'm referring to the riot which followed
the headmaster's announcement about camp.
That's it.
Go on, take advantage of a woman.
That's men all over, that is.
Well, nearly.
Sharon, Maureen is the
last girl in the world
I would take advantage of.
Er, of whom I would take advantage.
Yeah, well you never had
a sit opposite Ralph Drover
at breakfast morning, did you?
Pardon?
Big rotten, fat,
horrible piggy slob he is!
Just a minute.
Who is Ralph Drover?
It's private.
I'll never call him uncle,
whether Mum wants me to or not!
Right.
Oh, er, yes.
Good, good.
Erm, yes, well, I'm sorry
about Ralph Drover, Sharon,
and I'm sorry for
shouting at you, Maureen.
That's all right, sir.
Er, but the point is...
It takes a Christian man to apologise.
Christian, yes.
Yes, yes, indeed, Maureen.
Er, the point is...
One who really loves his fellow men.
Er, if...
Or woman.
Or indeed, woman, yes, yes.
Now, the point is I will not
to be sidetracked, Maureen,
so let's just get back to
what I was talking about,
shall we?
Erm, now, er...
What was I, er, talking about?
Frogs.
Don't you remember?
- Croak, croak.
- That's right!
You mean our little prank in assembly.
Yes.
Yes, indeed, er, Craven.
You astonish me, 5C, you really do.
I would have thought you'd
have jumped at the chance
of two weeks in the country.
Jump?
We don't even get a chance
to even bloody hop, do we?
Yeah!
What do you mean?
Ah, there's been a school
camp every year, innit?
Only we haven't been
allowed to go on one of 'em.
Not allowed?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Not allowed.
Is this true?
- Of course it is!
- Yeah!
Honestly, sir.
That's not fair, is it?
Right!
I mean, that is unjust.
Yeah!
They're making an
example of my class, huh?
I'm not standing for this.
Good for you, sir!
We'll see about this,
we most certainly will.
Yeah, all right!
But Maurice,
you promised you'd try to
come to camp this year.
I know I did, Doris, but, oh!
Oh, look how beautifully
Norman has laid us all out.
It's your compliments, sir,
that get me through the day.
Oh, get on.
And last year.
You promised last year
and the year before.
We've never been away together.
Er, to camp.
Tell you what, I'll
pop down for the weekend
and surprise you in your quarters.
Oh, Maurice!
Allow me, sir.
Thank you.
Now, sir.
Lozenges, if you need them, sir.
Oh, how splendid, thank you.
Not at all.
Mr. Smith, Geography.
Mr. Price, Science.
Miss Cutforth, Art and Housework.
Domestic Science.
Now, then, sit down, chaps.
The meeting is convened.
What's he doing here?
In answer to that
question, Mr. Chairman,
I would like to point out that it was me
who laid out all the papers and pencils.
And if further proof is needed, sir,
I roneoed all those pro
formas for the parents, sir.
You're just nosy.
No, I am not!
Yes, you are.
Silence!
Silence!
Headmaster.
Oh, thank you, Doris, yes.
Er, the school camp will
take place this year
on the, er...
The...
The 29th of next month.
We shall be sending
a party of some, er...
Some, er...
Children, sir?
Well done, Norman.
Yes, they will be children,
but I was thinking of the numbers.
The party will comprise of 35 children.
Didn't you leave out the
word privileged, Miss Ewell?
Aye-aye!
Would you burst into the
United Nations like that?
Oh, make the tea, Potter.
Did you hear that, sir?
Splendid, yes.
Three lumps, please, Norman.
Certainly, sir.
Coming up tout de suite, sir.
Mr. Hedges, if you
have something to say,
albeit uninvited,
would you kindly say it briefly
and without recourse to
your usual emotive language.
I'm quite calm, I assure you.
How many of you were ever
dragged up in a concrete canyon?
You've never had to
stick your shoes together
with chewing gum, have you, sir?
And, and you, Miss Ewell,
you've always been able
to roll in the grass
when you've wanted to, haven't you?
Mr. Hedges,
before this outburst becomes a filibuster,
are you simply asking why 5C
aren't allowed to go to camp?
No, I am asking you why 5C are not
allowed to go to the camp.
Yes, yes.
I'll tell you.
If their behaviour were
as anarchic in the country
as it is in your concrete canyons,
I doubt very much that
any party from Fenn Street
would ever be allowed to go again.
All right, I'll admit they
can be a little difficult.
But aren't these the very kids
who should be given a chance to respond
to a healthier environment?
Hear, hear!
But let's be hon...
Sorry.
But let's be honest.
They don't get a chance
because it's too much trouble
for the teachers who are going with them.
I think Mr. Hedges may have a point.
Oh, yes, he's got a point, yes.
Oh, no.
Not 5C, please.
Are we, in fact, shirking
our responsibilities?
Oh, shirking is anathema to me, Doris.
Then have a lozenge, sir.
Oh, splendid, thank you, Norman.
Mr. Hedges is right.
They should at least be given the chance.
Thank you very much, Doris.
That, then, is my decision.
Headmaster.
Headmaster...
I thought you were wonderful.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Happy now, are you?
Satisfied?
Very.
Thank you, Price.
Ah, you would be.
You've just got shot of 5C for two weeks.
Mr. Hedges.
Yes?
There's one condition attendant on 5C
being allowed to go to camp.
If they go,
you go with them.
Oh well, that's
marvellous, Miss Ewell, I...
Well, I'd be, I'd be
very honoured.
You would?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Well, that's settled, then.
Goodbye, girls.
'Bye, miss.
Sorry, I thought you'd gone.
Er, well, that you weren't here.
Well, that nobody was here, in fact.
You remember when the giant
Ursus wrestled that bull
in "Quo Vadis?"
Yes, yes, er, er...
Maxy Baer in the film, I think.
You reminded me of him
when you crushed Miss Ewell today.
No, no, er, Buddy Baer,
er, it was, in fact.
Yes.
I'm not women's lib, you know.
Men should be in charge.
That's why I'm glad you're coming.
Where?
Camp.
Oh, yes.
Right.
On our way home, are we?
Miss, Ewell, about "Quo Vadis," I...
One strips off layers at camp, Bernard.
It's the proximity.
Getting away from it all,
we shall really be able to get down to
the nitty gritty of each other, won't we?
Right.
Well, my middle name is Hamilton.
When the children are in bed,
there's long, long evenings.
One has to fall back on one's own...
Yes, Ludo, Scrabble, that sort of thing.
Devices.
Are you still here, sir?
- Sir?
- Ah!
Oh, sir!
Dennis!
Duty calls.
Have you got another of
them forms about the camp?
Ah, yes.
Yes, indeed, Dennis.
Now, you will have to
get your mother or father
to sign this, of course.
Otherwise you won't be able to go.
All right.
Dennis, just a moment.
I gave you one already.
What did you do with it?
Well, there ain't any paper in the lavs.
Right.
Oh, go on, Mum!
Sign it?
You don't wanna go to no silly camp.
You'd rather stay at home
with your own little Mumsie!
Oh, shut up!
I want to go!
I do!
But you're my little man of the house.
I mean, what would happen
if Mummy had a fall?
I couldn't lift you anyway.
You're too fat.
Ah, bless him.
Don't do that, my duck.
You know Dickie don't like it.
Don't half love you, Mummy.
My little soldier!
Oh, mwah!
Can I go, then?
I've told you.
You don't want to.
I do!
Look at Mummy, Frankie.
Look at her!
If she was left alone in this house
with her stomach and her legs,
there's no knowing what
might happen to her.
I'll burn your hair off!
There's none in there, dear.
Wesley's going.
That Black boy?
Bloody cheek!
He's not robbing my
little soldier of a place!
Where's Mummy's pen?
My God, they're in on
everything these days!
Oil.
What do you think you're doing?
It's some form from the
school, I'm signing it.
How many times will you be told?
I sign things in this house.
But you can't write, David!
Never mind can't write,
that's not the point.
I sign things!
Reading glasses.
But you can't read, David.
You see that?
Was it addressed to me?
Yes.
"Dear David."
"Mr. Dunstable.
Sorry, sorry.
Look, I have to get these changed, they
make my head ache.
What's it say?
It's about some camp that
they want Dennis to go to.
Bloody government!
And who's expected to pay?
Tell me that!
Oh, it says we can
write off for a grant.
That's your answer to
everything, isn't it?
Writing and reading.
Have you signed yet, Dad?
No, I haven't.
Oh, why?
Why?
Why?
I'll sign, then we
can go out for a drink.
Give me that!
Don't you come here why-ing your father!
Vermin!
You brought them vermin
into the house again.
But they'll get drown-ded
in the area if it rains.
You!
Oh, give me the little
cows, son, give 'em here!
No!
I'm doing away with them!
No!
Fancy.
Okay, crud, this is where you get yours.
Missed!
Ivanhoe never misses.
You're dead.
I ain't playing, I'm going in.
Oh, don't go, Cliffy!
You can borrow your gun
back if you'll be the enemy.
Here, General, you seen Eric?
Oh, hello, Peter.
Yeah, he's indoors.
You fool, you.
Oh, I weren't playing with 'em.
Cor blimey, I was just showing 'em.
Wait, where you going?
What we doing?
Hello, Mrs. D.
Oh, hello, dear.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Where's Eric?
Eric's in the front
room, watching the telly.
- Cheers, Mrs. D.
- Hello, Mrs. Duffy.
Cough, cough.
Watching the telly,
aren't we, eh?
What's this, then?
Fact-finding tour?
What do you want?
It's Dan, innit.
Usual trouble.
Oh, blimey, not your old man again.
Yeah.
Rotten bully won't let him come to camp.
And he tried to Kill
Martin and his three wives.
Who?
My chicks.
Look.
Aren't they lovely, eh?
Blimey, what is the matter
with your old man, eh?
Here, you had any dinner, Den?
Oh, no, Eric.
Mum!
Mum!
Well, not now, dear.
I'm just doing Dennis some egg and chips.
Oh, neat!
Well, I think my idea is better.
- Oh, shut up.
- Oh, belt up.
You sure Den's folks
will fall for it, El?
Yeah, why not?
Den often stays round here.
Why not for two weeks?
But I want to go to camp, Eric.
Pretend, Dennis.
Yeah, look, we tell your
old man you're kipping here,
but really you're down
at camp with us, right?
Oh, yeah!
Here, got the form, Den?
Great.
Now, who do we get to forge
Mr. Dunstable's signature?
Well, it's easy, innit...
None of us can do it.
I mean, Privet knows
our writing, don't he?
Yeah.
We'll have to get some
stupid berk to do it for us.
Oh, lovely!
Just the right contingency.
Oi, Potter, you're leaking!
All right.
The experiment has worked with us,
but that's just kids, innit?
But I still maintain we could
get more significant results
with a mature, intelligent adult.
You mean like one of the teachers?
I said intelligent, Den.
What's going on, then, eh?
What've you got there?
Oh, it's just some thesis
by this Russian doctor
on handwriting.
Reckons you can tell character from it.
Oh, yes.
Yes, phrenology, that's called, you know.
Blimey, he's right, El.
Here, do you reckon
Uncle Norman's the person
we're looking for?
Oh, he is, he is.
Oh, yes, he is.
Yeah, well,
I'm not a dupe, you know.
I've out-duped gout.
Well, look, just write your name down.
- Yeah, there you are.
- I see.
Wait a minute.
I'll, er, use my own
pen if you don't mind.
Right, Norman Escoth...
Potter.
There.
Blimey, we've come across
a right phenomenon here, EL.
Oh, not much, mate!
Well, look, according to this,
that handwriting denotes
a high intelligence,
a super-human bravery,
artistic flair, er,
extraordinary virility,
inborn leadership.
And a good runner.
Yeah, and outstanding athletic prowess.
That's uncanny, that, you know, lads.
That's me to a T, that.
- That's fantastic.
- Oh, it's awful neat.
- Aye, done well.
- Cor blimey.
What about the crosscheck?
The Crosscheck!
Here, what have I got do then?
What have I got to do?
Yeah, well, this time you
don't write your own name.
Ah, I see.
Er, my address?
No, no, it has to be a name.
Only one you ain't used to.
Den's dad, for example.
Yeah.
David Dunstable.
Yes, I take the point, you see.
Because I'm not used to signing that.
You understand?
Yeah.
Right.
So, David Dunstable.
There we are.
Oh, well, that bears out
the whole thesis, mate.
Everything checks.
- Incredible.
- Great.
Can't believe it.
I'm not just a flash in
the pan, you know.
Good.
Thank you, Wesley.
Right, fine.
Dennis.
I'm very glad you're coming with us.
Oh, sir, help!
Quick!
What is it, Sharon?
Oh, it's huge!
It's utterly horrible!
Don't be silly, Shannon,
there's nothing to...
Spider, watch it!
Watch it.
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, blimey!
A hundred lines, Feisal.
"I will not frighten my
teacher with toy spiders."
Erm, as you were, "fellow pupils.
"Frighten my fellow pupils.
All right, all right.
Good.
Now, Dennis.
Sir!
Sir, sir!
All right, all right, a
little less tic-tack, Maureen.
Good.
Thank you, Maureen.
Old Frank's old lady
cracked under pressure.
Oh, yes?
What do you do, use thumbscrews
or just look at her?
What is this, Abbott?
Er, that's washing up liquid.
Er, that's chocolate.
Oh, yes, yes.
And that's jam.
And that's the palm of my hand.
Oh, yeah?
Yes.
I bet the thought of going
away with us for two weeks
is like lifting up thine
heart, isn't it, sir?
Well, just so long as I
don't have a coronary, Maureen.
How do you mean, sir?
Well, coronary, heart.
Just, just a little joke,
that's all.
We're about an hour late as it is!
Oh, leave me alone!
Go away, will you?
Hang on a minute!
Get in the line, you!
Now, hang on, then.
All right, go on, get it now, then.
Oh, I see you brought a change
of underwear, then, Smithy?
It's the collapsible dinghy
that's taking up the room.
Are we boarding yet?
Nah, we're still waiting for
the regimental sergeant monster
to finish his inspection.
Come on, then.
To me.
All right.
Get your...
All right.
Come on, then, to me.
Stop!
All right, come on!
Everybody on.
What are you waiting for?
Come on, come on.
In you go, come on.
Move along.
Come on, come on.
Right down the back, will you?
Eva, get off the luggage
rack, will you, please?
Feisal, just a minute.
What have you got there?
My prayer mat.
Oh, I see.
Right.
Off you go.
In you go.
Come on, yes, off you go.
First time I've been on safari
without having to carry
the white master's bags.
Bwana Mkubwa says watch it, Wesley.
Abbott, where's Abbott?
Come on, Abbott!
Yeah, all right, Mum.
His Mummy's hanging
on to his little pandy
until the last minute, Mr. Hedges.
Yes, well, it is the
last minute, Mrs. Abbott.
I'm glad Miss Cutforth isn't
coming on our coach, sir.
I thought she looked quite
grotesque in that dress,
didn't you?
Yes.
Erm, just find yourself a
seat, would you, Maureen?
Stop that, Craven, will you, please?
There's plenty of time for that later on.
No, no, I just,
just stop it!
Now, Mrs. Abbott, if, er,
unless you intend to run along
by the side of the coach,
you will have to let
go of Frankie's pandy.
Yeah.
Shut up or I'll kick you varicose veins.
Veins!
Oh, what a little mind he's
got in him, bless him.
Yes, he has got a
little mind, Mrs. Abbott.
Erm, can I have him now?
Oh, bye-bye, my little soldier.
Get off!
Oh, don't forget Mr. Teddy!
Oh, I say!
One vital thing, Mr. Hedges.
Now, you promise to make him
do his number twos every day.
If I have to give him
the sanipods myself.
Yes.
Now, come along.
We're an hour late as it is.
Mr. Hedges, please!
That's quite enough of that
sort of thing for one day,
thank you.
Right, on you get.
Off we go.
There we are.
Good.
Right!
We're all ready, Price!
Same here, God help us.
Right.
All right, away all!
Come on, that's it.
Hey!
What's doing?
They had to do
away with my fallopians
after I gave birth to my
little Frankie, you know.
Kept jumping on the pram, did they?
You're raving mad, you are.
Hey, oh.
Eh? What?
- Oh, blimey!
- You got anything to eat?
Here.
Oh, ta!
Here, Feis, I'm gonna feed my chicks.
Look.
Oh, look at that one!
Yeah, look, that's Martin, that one.
And that one over there is Eva.
They ain't half looking forward
to going to the country.
Aren't ya?
Here.
About time for the old
prayer mat innit, Feis, eh?
No wonder we're two
hours late, is it, eh?
Stop, start, stop start!
If it ain't piddling, it's praying!
Language!
Well
I've got an ulcer, you know!
Oh, doesn't he go utterly on and on?
Yeah.
Shut your mouth and give your
brains a chance, sunshine!
Craven.
Here, we ought to get Wesley to put some
voodoo spill on him, eh?
Well, I'm sure Duffy intended
no ethnic malice, Wesley.
Wesley?
Where's Wesley?
Where's Wesley?
Er, can you give me a lift, miss?
Yes, get in.
Ta.
Would you stop this coach, please?
We've left a boy behind.
This is single lane traffic.
If I stop the coach, how
can anyone else pass?
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to insist.
Will you stop falling
about when I'm driving?
Satisfied?
Well, fine teacher he must be,
leaving you behind and not even noticing.
Oh, he's all right.
To most of us.
What do you mean?
You know, the white ones.
Now, look here, the whole thing...
It's really not my fault.
The driver was driving along...
Mr. Hedges, please let me explain.
Well, all right.
Oi, stop police brutality!
Can't you take a joke?
Fat-nosed bullies!
Lucky for you I was
in a good mood, fuzz.
What did he call you?
Jungle bunny!
I don't think he hates us for being Black.
It's just that he doesn't
reckon us very much.
Well, I don't know how
you can be so generous.
You have to.
I mean, he's our landlord and all that.
How many in your house?
Only six.
Er, families.
Oh, there they are!
Now, come on, Feisal,
get back in the coach.
No, no, I must pray to my god!
Oh, don't give me that.
Now, look, I saw you in assembly
singing hymns this morning.
Come on.
Where the hell have you been?
Er, no, don't hit me, boss, please!
Please don't hit me, boss!
I'd, er...
I'd like to thank you for...
Would you mind not leaning on my bonnet?
Sorry.
I'm very grateful.
Take your hand off my window.
Pardon.
You make me ashamed
to be English, you do!
Look, I'm not trying
to pick you up, you know.
Surprise, surprise!
Blonde, Anglo-Saxon, don't I qualify?
Yes, of course you do.
You're very attractive.
And what if I was a Masai
woman sitting in this car?
Well, I'd probably round up a few cows
and call on your father.
You racist!
Mr. Hedges!
Look, I'm as, er,
I'm as confused as you seem to be.
Let me get in the car for a second.
No, thank you, mister grand wizard.
Mr. Hedges, stop that!
No, I'm determined to get
into this car and have it out.
Mr. Hedges, I'm beginning to believe
you are like a moth in
the flame of carnality.
Trevor Huddleston was
right about people like you.
Swine!
Miss Ewell, do you think
she's one of those girls
who's had an unfortunate experience?
Nearly.
All right, come,
everybody, on the coach.
On again.
After you, Miss Ewell.
Welcome to "Stalag 17," Vaughn.
Have they arrived yet?
Ah, no.
Perhaps they've been hijacked.
They're probably on
their way to Cuba by now.
Lis, er...
Is this.
Bernard's bed?
Yes.
It's the hard one.
I, erm...
I suppose you'll be going out
quite a lot in the evenings, eh, Pricey?
Oh, aye, provided I
can drug the guard dogs,
get past the searchlights
and machine guns.
I say, Price, I...
Get your feet on the floor, woman!
You'll have us all in solitary.
Let joy be unconfined!
The other coach has arrived.
Oh, good.
All right.
Quickly.
Quickly, come on, Peter.
Gah, it ain't exactly humming
with nightlife, is it, eh?
So that's fresh air?
All right, Craven, come on.
All right, boys and girls, now look.
Get your luggage sorted out.
We'll get you settled in,
then it's supper and straight to bed.
I'll give you a hand, Bernard.
You may give the girls
a hand, Miss Cutforth.
All right, boys, this way.
Come along, girls, follow me.
Come on, boys, follow me.
Bed at this time of night?
I wouldn't have come if I'd have known
we're gonna be treated like kids.
No.
Eva!
I said this way.
Maur?
Maur!
Amen.
What?
Do you think I'm losing my looks?
Oh, well, beauty is but like
the wine within the bottle.
It's like, internal.
Yeah.
But am I?
What are you talking about?
I just noticed my first wrinkle.
Where?
There, look.
That's not a wrinkle.
That's an eyelash.
Oh, thank goodness for that!
Come along, girls.
Come along!
In bed, lights out.
Yes, Miss Ewell does wear rollers.
Goodnight.
Goodnight, miss.
Mind you,
must be awful being old.
Shar?
What you thinking about?
My Eric.
What are you thinking about?
Sir.
Bernard.
Just popping over to see if
Mr. Hedges has his timetable
for tomorrow.
To bed, Miss Cutforth!
Will you shut up, everybody?
Will you all be...
Raquel Welch!
What? Where?
Where?
What's going on here?
Having a little game with
Frankie and his teddy bear.
Yes, well, give Frankie
his little teddy bear
and all get into bed, come on.
Don't you, er...
Don't you think you're a
bit old for this, Frankie?
Oh, don't be fooled by them kids.
Ain't a toy.
No?
It's a mascot.
Oh, I see.
God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy
and God bless my kind
teacher for looking after me
and my fellow pupils.
Craven.
One more, Chief.
Go on, Christopher Robin.
Please, God, make the
number three dog come up
at Catford tomorrow night.
Say goodnight, Craven.
Goodnight, Craven.
Just a minute, where's Dennis?
Having a breath of
fresh air, I think, Chief.
You're not smoking, are you, Duffy?
No.
No?
Oh, fancy that.
Yeah.
Here, put your foot on
that, will you, Chief?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Goodnight, then, lads.
- 'Night!
- Goodnight.
Dark in the country, innit, El?
Eric?
You there, Eric?
Oo-oo-ooh!
Ah, don't muck about, El!
Oh, shut up, then.
Mummy.
Peter!
What?
Hiya, Peter.
Do shut up.
Dennis?
Yeah?
Dennis, it's nearly quarter to...
What are you doing out here, Dennis?
Listen.
Er, sorry, no, I can't hear anything.
No.
Neat, innit?
Yes.
It's dead neat, Dennis.
Come on.
Bedtime.
Oh, all right.
Here, sir?
Yes, Dennis?
If I find a snake, can I keep it?
Snakes?
There wouldn't be any
snakes in the camp, er,
would there, Dennis?
Well, there might be.
Hiss, hiss.
Right.
Could you lot make
any less noise in there?
Go to sleep!
Right.
Our two amazons are bedded down,
Smithy is writing one of his
interminable letters to Madge,
so you and me, boyo, we are away.
Away?
Where?
Now, listen, Price...
Yes, listen, now, look,
what if the hut catches fire?
I mean, what if, er,
what if somebody wets the bed?
Well, it would put the fire
out, wouldn't it?
Hello.
A muffin, as you English would say.
Two halves, please, luv.
Hello, little Hitler.
What's going on?
It's the Madwoman of Chaillot again.
If I was my father,
I'd take you outside!
Well, go on, boyo,
take her up on it anyway.
Certainly not.
She's unhinged.
Well, do you mind if I
take her up on it then?
Be my guest.
And you needn't whisper.
No.
Come on, boyo, let's have
all the unspeakable detail.
Well, she...
Just a minute.
If they tell me they've
been sleepwalking...
Oi!
You're supposed to be in bed!
You just don't respond to trust, do you?
Now, what would you think
of me if I went out boozing
on the first night of camp?
You are, aren't you?
I, I was
simply through there
because I thought something
like this might happen.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If I expected this of you, Duffy.
Oh, thanks a bundle.
But you, Wesley.
You don't even drink.
I could hit you over a head with this.
Stop that!
You mind your own business!
Now, get back to camp and
pray that my patience lasts.
Because if it doesn't,
you'll go straight back
to where you came from.
Just a minute!
What's that man's name?
Hedges. Why?
Because I intend to report
him to the authorities
as soon as possible.
I'm not going to stand by
and see this boy persecuted any longer.
Persecuted?
By Privet?
He couldn't persecute a pudding.
Here, Wes, what you been up to?
Well, er, a few white lies.
Helped to pass the time, didn't it, miss?
Yes.
And miss has ended up
looking a right clown.
I think you'd better tell miss the truth
before I hit you over the head.
I dunno, you can't
have a bloody drink now
without getting locked out.
Now, look here, Price.
I'm not going to sleep
out here in the woods.
No?
I'm going to go over the top.
Oh, splendid.
One, two, three, four.
Underneath, I think.
Yes.
What?
I'll never get through there!
Just come on, Price, come on.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I've done some things
for a drink in my time,
but this takes the biscuit.
Price,
I, I wonder what that
girl's got against me.
Well, as long as it
doesn't become a court case,
you shouldn't worry.
Go on.
Come on, then, my son.
Oh, bugger.
Let's get out of here.
Price?
Here we are.
Oh, that was quick.
Are you sure?
Watch this.
Oh, it's dark in here, isn't it?
That's funny.
Is it...
Something not quite right here, Price, eh?
Good evening.
Mr. Hedges!
A singularly inauspicious beginning.
As camp warden, it's my job to ensure
that the rules here are obeyed.
Between you, you've managed
to break nearly all of them
on your first night.
Now, this is not vindictiveness.
Just because your boys
walked all over my cucumbers
and your bigger boys
set my chickens broody,
if there's any more of
this sort of behaviour,
I shall be obliged to
send you all packing.
Goodnight.
Miss Ewell.
Miss Ewell, I feel rather
responsible for this.
You are.
Right.
I have nothing more to say.
Good.
Except that the C in 5C
seems to stand for catastrophe.
And at the risk of mixing my metaphors,
if socks aren't pulled
up, heads will roll.
Oh, don't you worry, Miss Ewell.
Starting from tomorrow,
the C in 5C will stand for
something quite different.
Oh, yes.
It will stand for...
Triumph.
That's what it will stand for.
Right, lads?
Right!
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning!
Good morning.
Chickens all right, are they?
All right, lads, come on!
Hut inspection!
Everybody out of your...
You are out, good.
Er...
Do you,
do you know where they are, by any chance?
No.
No, right, thank you.
Right.
Now, lads, proficiency on this course
is one of the things
that's really gonna get
the Fenn Street star-chart moving
and show the rest of the schools
just who's best 'round here, right?
Oh, goody-goody!
Oh, what jolly fun!
All right.
Seriously, lads, er, make an effort
and I think you really will benefit
from these next two weeks.
Gah, it's beginning
to sound like two years.
What do we have to do, eh?
Well, I'll show you, shall I?
Er, stand back, would you?
I'll just show you exactly
what you have to do with this.
Sorry.
That's all right.
Dennis?
Dennis, oh, Dennis, where have you been?
Well, I went out for a walk
and this bloke stopped me.
What?
What did, what did he,
what did he say?
Did he touch you anywhere at all?
Give you sweets or anything, did he?
Well, no, but his
wife gave me breakfast.
Her last baby arrived a
month early, you know.
Gipsies, they are, and dinner.
Oh, I see.
Well, you really shouldn't
go out into the woods...
And I helped her put
cotton 'round her heather
and I learned how to milk a goat.
Ain't half neat down here, innit?
Yes.
Yes, very neat, Dennis.
Now, look, erm,
come on, join in with the rest of us
and do the best you can.
Well, what are you doing?
We're being waved that through
the fence by little brahma.
Don't be silly, Craven,
there's no little...
Yeah!
Go on, then.
No, no, I'm really,
I'm really not into...
Shall I, shall I go over?
Yeah, go on!
All right, lads, erm,
now, er, carry on with what we were doing.
Erm, get used to the apparatus and, er,
be careful, right?
Watch.
Hello.
Hello.
Eric?
Yeah?
What are you doing?
Making the blood rush to me head, Den.
Feeding me brains.
Oh, I better do that.
I could do with some brains.
You see, it was that Wesley's fault.
He gave me the idea that you were
the London rep for the
Ku Klux Klan.
Er, why would he do that?
Well, because he likes you.
He said you could take a joke.
Oh, well!
Well, yes, I can.
Oh, yes.
But you didn't have to
believe him, did you?
No.
No, I don't suppose you'll
ever be able to forgive me,
will you?
No.
Er, yes, yes, I could.
Well, I do.
I do, in fact.
Yes.
Look, erm...
I don't, I don't suppose...
I mean, well, I don't,
I don't suppose we could, we could...
Oh, I should think so.
Right!
Good.
"Right, good" what?
Pardon?
When?
Well, erm, I'd, er,
I'd like to take you to lunch.
Fine!
But I can't because I'm
being kept in, you see.
Er, mind you, er, this evening...
I mean, I don't suppose,
I mean, no.
I don't suppose that...
Lovely.
Right!
Sorry to rush you like this,
but I haven't got a lot of time, you see.
Rush me?
One, two, three, leap!
One, two, three, leap!
One, two, three, leap!
Oh, yeah, I like that.
Double cubist, that is, mate.
I dunno, I think, er,
bolder strokes would serve
young Leonardo rather well.
They can't paint for
toffee nuts, can they?
I dunno.
They'd be all right at the white lines
in the middle of the road.
Oh, blimey, here comes the Bolshoi Ballet!
Woo, Charlie's, Den!
Go on, Ang, have a good knees up!
I shall report you to Mr. Hedges.
Oh, go and get your nappy changed!
Follow me, girls.
Silly little cows!
Eh, pardon?
Pardon?
Look, it's people of your type
that spoil it for the rest of us.
Strong him, El, strong him.
You want to watch
your language, sunshine.
You don't frighten me, you know.
Yeah?
Well, put one on there, then.
Go on.
Go on.
All right, all right!
Stop there, Duffy.
Oh, it's these rough boys, sir,
they've been bullying us.
Oh, yes?
Go on, neutral corner.
Come on.
Well?
They started it, sir.
Don't tell tales.
I think you might look
after your equipment
a bit better than this, don't you?
All right, lads.
Now, I'm going to show you
the way around this obstacle course,
starting with the wall.
Erm, this is where we see
whether all that soft living
and smoking in London has
really taken it's toll of you.
Right, watch me, will you?
Well done!
Quite!
Oh, no.
Oh, do it again.
Just look at it.
Look at it.
Not now, my darling.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Ewell.
I am writing to my dear wife, Madge.
This is hardly the time
for domestic tittle-tattle.
She sent you her kindest
regards, Miss Ewell.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please inquire after
her palpitations for me,
I'm so concerned.
One doesn't expect Fenn Street
to be leading the field,
but with 5C here, we hardly
seem to have left the paddock.
Right, now then.
Having got back safely from
our little nature ramble,
we will all show teacher what
pretty little wildflowers
we have picked.
Right.
Where did you get those
from, you little guttersnipes?
Out of my blooming garden!
That's where!
You've missed breakfast again.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to get this
flaming hut in order
before Gestapo Reynolds comes in!
Oh, pardon me.
The wrong side, surely, Mr. Reynolds.
Minus.
What was you saying, Den?
Oh, that Joe down at the gypsy camp
has given my chicks a
good home and everything.
Oh, bless him.
He really loves it, don't he?
Do you mind?
You're well in down
there, Den, ain't ya?
Yeah.
I think this is the
bestest place I ever was.
Well, I'm glad you
like it down here, Den.
Quite frankly, this camp
bores the pants off of me.
Here, Frankie,
I've be looking at your hands.
You know, I reckon they could well be
the hands of a werewolf.
Oh, yeah!
Evening, 5C.
Here, priv, what do you
reckon on them hands?
Dirty.
What are you...
What are you doing now, 5C?
Nothing!
Blimey, can't even be bored in peace here!
Well, there's the camp film show.
We're barred, ain't we?
Oh, yes.
Where you going?
I'm going out with, erm...
Never you mind.
Out.
Not with that Miss Cutforth!
Certainly not.
Thank goodness for that.
So cheap, the way she
throws herself at him.
All right, now, er,
don't forget, 5C,
early to bed, hmm?
And you, chief.
Goodnight, boys and girls.
Goodnight, sir.
Goodnight sir!
Here, I probably am one!
Probably am one what?
What Peter said.
A werewolf!
Run, Maur!
You know what they're like with girls.
Oh, yeah, they drag 'em
off, up their belfries.
Yeah, get tarts up your belfry!
Hello.
Hello.
Thanks for picking me up.
I thought I'd better get
you past the guard room.
No, it's all right tonight.
Mr. Hedges!
No it isn't.
Yes?
A werewolf has gone berserk
in the recreation room.
Would you kindly attend to him?
Right.
Excuse me.
Werewolf.
Utterly sadistic, isn't it,
making us do lines on our holidays.
Yeah.
This is not a holiday, Sharon,
certainly not for me.
Well, how do you spell
misdemeanour, then?
Easy.
M-I-double S-D-double E, erm...
M-I-double S-D-double E...
It's on the board!
It's on the board, innit?
Shut up!
- Table tennis?
- No!
That's telling her!
Hm! Trollop!
Cheer up, chief.
There'll be other times.
Yes.
Yes, the way your lot are carrying on,
they seem like an eternity.
All right, go on, clear off to supper.
Get your eyeful, tiddler!
You wanna fight?
Where's your mummy, then, eh?
You're pretty.
Here!
Oi, oi, oi, oi!
Watch the mouth, small fry.
That's F.A.'s tot you're talking to.
Do you wanna fight?
I don't fight kids.
Hey, do you always go
around threatening people?
Yeah.
You're in prison, I'm not.
Hey, you ain't wrong there, mate.
Utterly outspoken, isn't he, Maur?
Look at his poor little coat, though, eh?
Yeah.
I love her.
Here, he's at it again!
Oi, Nobbler!
Where you been?
I was waiting down the other end for you.
I was here.
Is he a mate of yours, then, Den?
Yeah, his name's Nobbler.
It's his mum and dad I go to see.
Den says I'm coming to
sup with you lot tonight.
Oh, can he, Eric?
Think he better or
he'll beat us all up, eh?
Hey, come on, Nobbler,
let's sneak you out a couple of burgers.
Now, pay attention, 5C,
because this is what being down here
is really all about, isn't it?
Look around you and take it all in, hm?
Ah, just a...
Follow me, will you?
Look at this, 5C.
Now, where around Fenn
Street would you see
a beautiful maple tree like this?
It's an oak tree.
Is it?
Yes, oak.
Oh, oak, oak tree.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, listen to that bird, 5C.
Now, men have waxed poetic about that bird
for hundreds of years
and now you can actually
say you've heard it
with your own ears.
The skylark.
It's a redstart.
How do you know?
Because they live in the woods
and skylarks live in fields.
Yes, but I mean, one can
be off course and, and...
Who are you?
Nobbler.
How do you do?
He's my mate.
I met him down at the gypsy camp.
All right.
Well, Nobbler, you can come with,
is that really your name?
Do you wanna see a foxes oak
with four little cubs in it?
Er, no, thank you, Nobbler,
we're doing trees at the moment.
Oh, yes!
Oh, please!
Oh, please, please!
All right.
All right, follow me, will you?
This way, er, Nobbler.
Yes, follow Nobbler.
That's right.
You should've seen them today, Miss Ewell,
interested in everything, well behaved.
But have you asked
yourself why, Mr. Hedges?
I said all along,
they'd respond to be sure,
and responded they have.
Sorry.
I'll get you some more.
Poor deluded twit.
Did you enjoy yourself
down there today, Den?
Oh, yeah, double neat.
Here, bark bark.
That's the fox, that is.
Do you wanna know how a cub goes?
Yeah.
Bark, bark.
Oh, blimey!
Bark, bark.
You say something,
you pasty-faced pillock?
Ignore him, Malcolm.
Would you pass the jam, please?
Oho!
"Ignore him, Malcolm!
"Would you pass the jam, please?"
I'm sorry, Parsons,
we seem to have run out.
What a terrible shame, Malcolm.
Do have some of ours.
I have never been so
ashamed of my school!
Since the first minute you arrived,
you have behaved like little
rotters and absolute cads!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Monosyllabic pop culture
grunting is no answer, Duffy.
I don't know if you're aware of this,
but Mr. Hedges has put his
head in a noose for your sakes.
Nah, nah, schtum.
Hey, how come?
How come?
Do you mean "I beg your pardon?"
Yeah.
Then say it, sir!
I'll say it.
I beg your pardon.
I don't know if you are aware of this,
but if it were not for Mr. Hedges,
you would not be here at all.
Everyone else was against it.
And mark me well,
you were only allowed to
come in the last analysis
because he agreed to accompany you.
We're all sinners!
If ever faith was repaid by treachery,
well, you are its grossest example!
Shall I run after him?
Slit his throat with a cheese worrier?
Shut up!
Well, come on St. Francis,
let's have a defensive repost
for all your little animals.
Yeah, what's the matter with you?
You're not much fun, you know,
when you give in like the rest of us!
Price!
Price, come and look.
Oh, I don't know about that, boyo.
What's going on, then?
New leaf.
Watch them.
Watch them.
Why?
Well, 'cause Whiffy Smithy
says we couldn't have come
if you hadn't 'a brung us.
Duffy.
What Den said.
Good.
Right, right.
Come on out, lads.
Come on, now, then.
Half a bar.
Same rate tomorrow
if you get the place looking
as nice again, right?
Right, you're on, mate.
Great!
Plus!
Rape!
Rape!
Help! Rape!
Help! Rape!
Hey, I think we got a start at botany.
Yeah, and for plants, too.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
She'll want a life size
enlargement for Cromwell.
I wonder if Maurice would
like an enlargement, Mr. Smith.
Oh, I'm sure he would, Miss Ewell.
This is rapidly becoming
a historic occasion.
I would've thought
stupefying was a better word.
I think we might have a glass of sherry
and see our own stars.
Blimey, this is historic.
Action stations, men!
Here comes the fuzz!
Here, quick!
Well, what's this, then?
Fatigues?
No, Mr. Reynolds.
We just think it's only
right that we should
try to keep the camp nice and tidy.
Oh, really?
Excellent.
Well, keep up the good work.
Here, this is the Boulters hut, innit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Untidy lot, innit they?
Terrible.
Here, Maur!
Maur, watch!
Peter Bonetti, ain't I?
Silly fool!
Thought you was gonna go, Nobbler.
You're much better than he is.
Look, Nobbler, really
I'm much too old for you.
I'm virtually a woman.
I don't care.
This is for you.
What is it?
Frog spawn.
How thoughtful.
Eric!
Eric!
Quick, it's them Boulters!
Boulters?
Where?
In your hut!
Come on!
Blimey!
Here, you sure this was Boulters?
Positive.
I saw that boy running off.
You know, Maur, the one with the spots
who undresses you with his eyes.
Oh, I can't stand him!
He makes me feel as though
bugs was crawling all over me!
Yeah, well never mind
the character reference.
There's a punch-up in the
offering, ain't there?
Yeah, I wonder how they'll
eat their dinners out here
without any teeth!
Oh, typical.
Just as I was looking forward to a bundle,
I get a goitre trouble again.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Typical.
Come on!
Hang on, but, we're up
the creek here, aren't we?
We can't.
Well, why not, Eric?
They're asking for it.
'Cause we owe Privet,
don't we, like Smithy said.
Do 'em over, bang goes all his stars.
It sticks in your
gullet, though, don't it?
You're telling me, El.
I was looking forward to giving
the old Frankie Abbott bowl.
Toffee nosed, red blazer gits!
This is gonna cost us a bomb.
Yeah, we'll have to pay
our little skivvies overtime
to clean this lot up.
We'll have to have a whip 'round.
Oh, I don't know,
it's gonna leave me utterly short.
All of us!
But it is for sir.
Bleeding Boulters!
They're the ones that should
be made to pay for this.
'Evening.
Hello, Penny.
You're out.
Yes, I, er,
I sneaked out of the gates
disguised as Miss Ewell.
Well, as long as you're here.
My name is Penny Wheeler.
I'm 23 and single.
I like interior decorating
and I hate diced vegetables.
I cry at sad films and I
fancy men who wear glasses.
I can't rollerskate,
but I'm a dab hand at
the Balinese nose flute.
Really?
Now, they're made out of bamboos.
Or, no, no, er, erm,
small, small reeds.
Why the, er,
why the potted autobiography?
Well, I just thought you
could get to know me better
before you have to dash off again.
Oh, I see.
- So drink up quick.
- Right.
Okay.
I don't have to.
I've got the evening free.
So they finally sent 5C home, eh?
No.
No, Penny, no.
I've been vindicated.
Oh, sorry.
Vindicated, yes?
Yes, it's, er...
It's fantastic.
They're sweeping the board.
I mean, all this response.
Do you know, only today in
environmental studies...
Sorry.
Sounding like The Times
education supplement.
It's all right.
I like the chap who's writing the article.
Which article is that?
Yes, erm.
And I, er,
I wear glasses, too.
Next step.
Order and force me to
come to dinner with you.
All right.
Put you on coat on.
Right, good, right.
I really must stop saying that.
Sir!
Sir!
Dennis?
What is it?
I've done it now, sir.
Oh, bloody...
What?
What have you done, Dennis?
I sent a card to me Mum and Dad.
Well, that's alright.
It's a very nice thing to do, Dennis.
Nothing wrong with that.
Well, there is when they
don't even know I'm down here.
Dennis.
Now, look...
Dunstable, back to camp immediately.
Just a minute, Miss Ewell,
I've got a crisis here.
You wait till you hear mine.
Dunstable.
You see, Miss Ewell, my
crisis concerns a postcard.
- Dennis...
- And mine concerns a theft
of 40 of pocket money from
the Boulters School hut.
Oh, hell.
5C took the money, Mr. Hedges.
Oh, well, that's just typical, isn't it?
Anything happens, blame 5C.
Oh, yes.
Yes, forget all the strides they've made
and the way they've striven
to make those strides.
Because striving to make strides
when there's a situation of strife
is much harder than
striving to make strides
when there isn't.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Mr. Hedges, you must face facts.
Facts? Give me the facts, Miss Ewell!
I'll be very surprised if
there's one shred of evidence...
The money was discovered
hidden in 5C's hut.
Oh, my God.
Sir, the car is ready,
sir, to take you to the camp.
Thank you, Norman.
You will be navigating me, won't you?
I'd show you the way to
Hell, sir, if you asked me.
Oh, Norman, how brave of you
to be worrying about the A3
when you've suffered a
personal bereavement?
I am in mourning, sir.
For your assassinated character, sir.
How Hedges and his mob can do that
to a man of your sensibility
is beyond me, sir.
I agree, Norman.
This theft has put the
mark of Cain on Fenn Street
as a seat of learning.
I should have lowered
the flag to half-mast, sir.
Come along, Norman.
The guilty must be punished.
You see that, Daphne?
They're trying to do a bunk.
Oh, it is a case, yes.
Well, you're too late, matey.
Look, I want to know how that boy of mine
went to camp without permission!
Oh, how much weight
can these shoulders bear?
I'm in a pit of despair, already!
I don't care if you're
down a bleeding well, mate.
I want an explanation!
Now, now, language!
Yeah!
Watch it, watch it, watch it.
I was train in Jujitsu, you know.
I've only got one lung.
It's his left one.
And I've got shrapnel working
its way towards my heart,
so don't you one-lung me!
I sometimes have conjunctivitis.
That, sir, has humbled the pair of us.
You see, you're not talking to
a human being here, are you?
Oh, no, you are talking to a headmaster.
All right, then.
What are you gonna do about it?
I have some eye
ointment I use sometimes.
Don't eye ointment me!
And don't you eye ointment him!
I'll eye ointment who I like!
Hop chicks, probably.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Mr. Burnstable, you cannot
possibly have let your son
go to camp without permission.
Look, there's the form you signed.
That's impossible.
Not even when you were, erm...
No, not even then.
I know that for a fact.
Then we must add forgery to theft.
Pardon me, sir, for taking
something from your hand, sir,
but I know a bit about phrenology, sir.
Reading bumps, Norman?
I don't quite see the connection.
Eh, bump...
Yes, well, I also know, sir,
a bit about handwriting,
you know.
And I can tell which kid forged
this signature by just...
Yes, well,
now, is this absolutely necessary, sir?
I mean, shouldn't we be
concentrating on the robbery, sir?
I mean, on the prima facie case, you see.
I'm not letting the matter rest.
Then I can only suggest
that you and your good lady...
How do you do?
Come down to the camp with us.
We will, don't you wait.
Yes.
Norman, Norman, the lights are
going out over Fenn Street.
Now, come on.
Which one of you forged
Mr. Dunstable's signature?
Come on, step forward.
I mean the person responsible.
All right.
Take the blame collectively.
I don't condone it,
but at least I understand
why you did that.
But stealing!
You've always been difficult
and that's putting it mildly,
but I've always felt
that you had an underlying
sense of decency.
But this is just criminal!
Now look what you've done.
There's no need to howl, Maur.
We ain't guilty, are we?
The money was found
in your hutch, Duffy.
My old man found a bomb in
his garden during the war.
Don't mean put it there, do it?
Honestly, sir, we never took that money.
I swear to you.
I'll do unto you this oath
by the symbol of my faith, if you like.
I know you don't connote
me being here by fiddling.
Er, condone, Dennis, yes.
But we didn't do any thieving.
Cross me heart and hope to die.
So help me, I...
I think I believe you.
Come here.
Yes?
Right!
Bless you, sir!
All right, all right, Maureen!
Good.
All right, now, look.
The next thing to do
is to try and find out
who did take the money.
Yeah, we think we know.
Well, for goodness sake, who?
We ain't saying.
But if you could let us out
of here for half an hour,
I think I could put the wraps on this.
No, I'm sorry, I can't do that, Duffy.
You've been confined to this room
until the headmaster gets here.
Oh, blimey!
Well, now, look, you
tell me what you do know
and I'll do some private
investigating for you.
Well, you know them gipsies
I've been seeing, they've...
Hey!
Ah! Right.
Right, all right!
That's it.
Yes!
Hang on!
Let me out of here!
I suffer from hydrophobia!
Oh, bounce out.
Here, Sharon, hairpin.
Right.
Oh, gee.
Oh, that tiring journey, Doris.
I may have to have a lie down
on your bed this afternoon.
Oh, you will have to give me a chance
to hide my night things first, headmaster.
Still, first things first.
Where are the miscreants, Doris?
Er, this way, headmaster.
We have them secured in a classroom.
We're off to clear ourselves, ain't we?
See you later, Oliver!
Stop!
I order you to stop!
Oi, come here, Tinkerbell!
Leave this to me, sir.
I've driven tanks, sir.
Ah, thank you, Norman.
Just leave it to me, sir.
No worries.
Hello?
Anyone at home?
Right.
Hello.
Er, is your chieftain in, please?
You'll die by drowning in your bed,
no children, you will!
Will I?
You will if you interfere with me.
No, no.
No, I'm not that sort of person.
Erm, er, I'd like to talk to your leader.
Well, your, er, your sagamore.
Would you call him that?
'Morning.
Erm, I come in peace.
Er, I'm afraid I have no Romany.
We ain't Indians, mate.
Sorry.
Well, I've come, and I do want
to be diplomatic about this,
I believe somebody here
planted some stolen money
on my children.
Anything goes wrong,
it's always us, innit?
No, no, I mean,
I mean probably in this case
you were bribed to do it.
Here, what?
Here, you'll die by drowning, you will!
You'll die by drowning.
Hey!
Come out of there!
I'm really not trying
to interfere with you!
No!
Mark me, no!
We're like Punch and Judy in here!
Where's sir?
Where do you think?
Hey!
Hello, Dennis.
You've got sir in there, Joe?
Yes, he has, Dennis.
Madame, if you will...
Mama!
Thank you.
Well, what's all this about?
Well, I was just trying to explain...
Yeah, well, Dennis will explain.
Right, fine.
Can I see Nobbler for a minute?
Nobbler?
Yeah.
Nobbler!
Nobbler!
What?
Here.
What?
Now, tell me the truth, young man.
Did you put Boulters money in our hut?
Watch what you're saying, Den boy.
'Course I did.
I still can't work
out why young Cobbler...
Nobbler, headmaster.
Oh, quite.
He, um, did what he did.
I have got a good idea, headmaster.
Let us ask the boy.
Why, boy?
Are you Irish?
No, I am not!
Why did you do it, boy?
Because Boulters mucked up 5C's hut
and 5C are my mates.
They ain't got much money,
so I gave 'em Boulters money.
I did a very similar
thing with nanny's reticule
when I was 12.
I remember...
Not now, Mr. Smith.
The fact remains, it was a
very naughty thing to do.
Ah, Miss.
Miss Ewell, erm, I'm...
Surely, shouldn't we be
merciful rather than punitive?
Look at this child.
A little creature of the wilds.
What right have we to shut
him away from the sunlight?
He needs to feel the grass under his feet,
the wind in his little face.
Borstal could destroy him.
And so I beg of you to search your hearts
and ask yourselves
whether you are not guilty
of confusing justice
with revenge.
Mr. Hedges.
Yes, yes?
Apart from us not considering
life imprisonment in the Bastille,
you seem to have missed the fact that
Nobbler is underage and
not legally responsible.
Oh, yes.
The meeting is dis-convened.
It's all right, 5C.
Nobbler got away with a caution.
Great!
Nothing, I tell you, it was all right.
Look here, you lot,
I will get my oar in.
I'm sick of being fogged off
with piddling cups of tea!
Yeah, 14 we've had!
Not each, of course.
Erm, Mr. Dunstable, I'm,
I'm not defending the
way Dennis got down here,
but I can't tell you
how much he's benefited
since he's been here.
Hear, hear to that, Mr. Hedges.
And if it hadn't been for your son,
this money business would
never have been solved.
So come on Mr. Dunstable, be a sport.
Let him stay for the next week.
He's earned it.
Yeah.
Come on.
Get your things packed,
'cause you're coming home!
All right, 5C, leave
this to me, would you?
Er, son.
Son.
If there's any way that I can thank you
for not letting on about that forgery
that you tricked me into.
Yeah, well, Den's still
going home, ain't he?
Mrs. Dunstable,
your husband is a Martinique.
All this fuss about some kid
signing his name.
Well, that's 'cause he
don't know how to write
a bloody word his-self.
Can't he?
Oh, dear.
Can't he?
Mr. Dunstable,
Dennis has learned something here.
Now...
Now, does that mean anything to you?
Nothing.
Look, if you take Dennis away now,
you may be doing him some
permanent damage, psychologically.
That's your answer to everything, innit?
Big words.
It doesn't mean a thing to me.
Well, I'm up to here
with you, Mr. Dunstable.
I just hope you can live
with your lousy conscience.
Sorry, Dennis.
You've got to go.
,
Man with one lung beating a schoolie.
Not bad, is it, eh?
Has he written out his release
document yet, Mr. Hedges?
Oh, not now, Potter.
I said release document.
Has he, er, written it out?
I ain't writing nothing.
Why should I have to do that?
Because Mr. Hedges is relinquishing
his propensity of the boy.
Teacher's have a
responsibility inside the camp,
parents outside.
I aren't writing nothing!
No, Potter's right.
Dennis might be ill on the way home.
You're not gonna lay that at my door.
A short note will do.
You bloody know-alls!
You ain't trapping me into nothing!
Now, look,
Dennis does not leave the camp
until you write this note.
Come, come.
Well, ah, do what your fancy well like!
I don't care what the
silly little fool does.
He can stay here for the rest
of his life as far as I care!
You're ignorant, the lot of you!
- Pig-ignorant!
- Oh!
Daphne, home!
Well, goodbye, everybody.
Nice to have met you.
Oh, come on, now.
"My dear Bernard,
"It seems that the fates are
conspiring to keep us apart.
"If you feel as I do,
"skip the dance
"and meet me on the assault
course at eight o'clock.
"I am your Mona Lisa.
"Please, make me smile.
"Angela."
I still can't understand
why Mr. Dunstable
changed his mind so quickly.
Well, a little bird told me
Potter found out he couldn't write.
You see, it's as if he had
an actual aversion to writing.
Oh, dear.
That wasn't been a nice thing
for me to do, was it, Penny?
You didn't know.
No.
No, I didn't.
No, I'm really quite innocent, then.
Very innocent.
Bernard, would you take
me outside, please?
I feel faint.
Oh, dear, do you?
No, I don't.
Right.
Good.
So I got him up against the wall,
like that, you see.
You get the picture, do you?
Oh, yeah.
Yes, I thought you might do.
So I said to him, now I said,
"You, look!
"You let that little lad stay
"or I'll do to you what I
did to Robert, you see.
So, naturally, with my arm across his,
oh, hello, Bern.
Hello, Norm.
Er...
Pardon?
Er...
Oh, yes.
This is a turn up for
the book, isn't it, Potter?
You doing something for the lads.
Ah, yes, well, that's
the whole ironical part
of the old shooting match, you see.
I did it because they never let on,
now, listen to this, that it was me
that forged that signature
in the first place, you see.
Forged it.
Yeah, well,
Perhaps it's time for "The
Military Two-Step, eh?
Or do you fancy the Lancers?
Well, well, that's smart.
You actually, erm,
actually live in London, do you?
Yes.
I'm just at Mum and Dad's
pub for the holidays.
You...
Right.
Yes, I don't suppose, er,
Fenn Street is anywhere
near your area, is it?
Dangerously near, as a matter of fact.
Right.
Well, perhaps we,
we could, erm, sometimes, erm,
sometimes we could, we could, erm, meet.
Or, or, well something,
something like that anyway.
Something like quite a
lot of the time, I hope.
Yes.
Erm, I...
I don't suppose that...
Yes.
Er, yes, I do.
I do, I do...
Darling.
Ooh, darling, she said!
At last!
You're mine!
Miss...
Miss Cutforth, you really oughtn't...
Look, if Mr. Cromwell is...