Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988) Movie Script
There's somebody down there.
Is he gone yet? Is he gone?
-Sir, he's gone. | -Okay, let's go.
Anybody home?
Idiot.
Close the door.
-You know what to look for, right? | -Yeah. No. A light switch?
Please try not to be such an idiot.
-I'm okay. | -Nobody asked.
-He's not here. | -Who?
-Commissioner Hurst. | -Of course he's not here.
It's 3:00 in the morning. That's the point.
Maybe we should have called first.
If I'd wanted the Commissioner | to watch me while I looked at his files...
I could have come in during the day | and made an appointment.
Wait a minute. You mean | we're breaking and entering illegally?
-We are breaking the Law? | -No.
We are not breaking the Law.
We are merely stretching it a little.
It's okay to break the law | if you have a good reason...
-like a note from your doctor or mom. | -We are not breaking the Law.
We are stretching it.
Do you get it?
-Not really, sir. | -I got a note in my pocket, okay?
Okay. Why didn't you just say that?
Commissioner Hurst....
"Comdt. Eric Lassard."
Well, there he is.
For years you've kept me | from my rightful place...
as Commandant of the Police Academy.
You always manage to come out on top | somehow, don't you?
I know that there is | something in this file...
that is going to help me | get the upper hand for a change.
Who's in there?
Commissioner Hurst?
Yes. Who's out there?
Bob the janitor, sir.
I understand, sir. | And I didn't see you here tonight.
-I really appreciate that, Bob. | -Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bob.
-Proctor. | -Yes, sir?
This is it! According to these records, | Comdt. Eric Lassard...
reached the state's | mandatory retirement age Last year!
-Don't you see what this means? | -No!
This means that Comdt. Lassard...
should have retired | from the Police Academy a year ago.
Somehow, this information | just slipped through.
I find it my duty | as a conscientious police officer...
to see to it | that this file reaches the Personnel Office.
Are we going to have to | break in there, too, sir?
Officer Katherine Page.
Thank you, sir.
Officer Carla Grant.
Thank you.
Officer Bill Baker.
Thank you, sir.
Officer Bambi Brandon.
-Thank you, sir. | -Thank you.
Officer Kevin Wilson.
And last, but certainly not least, | not in any way...
Officer Thomas Conklin.
Also known as House.
Congratulations!
I'll miss you, Class of '88.
Nice.
I've seen a lot of graduating classes.
And let me say that | this is one of the very best of them.
Clearly, Comdt. Lassard | has outdone himself this time.
It's my privilege to announce | that Comdt. Eric Lassard...
will be honored | as Police Officer of the Decade...
at this year's | National Police Chiefs Convention...
to be held in Miami Beach.
This Academy owes a great debt...
to the vision of Comdt. Lassard...
which makes what I have to say next | even more difficult.
It is with great sadness and regret...
that I must announce | Eric Lassard's retirement...
as Commandant of this police academy.
Comdt. Lassard has reached | this state's mandatory retirement age.
A gualified successor will, | of course, be chosen.
But the new commandant | will have no easy task filling these shoes.
-What are we going to do? | -Kick some butt.
-It's just not right. | -This is so unfair.
-I've never seen him like this. | -He was always so strong.
-The Academy was his strength. | -Now he's lost it.
It's just not right.
-Why don't we just shoot somebody? | -Commandant.
-No. He ain't worth it. | -Congratulations on your retirement!
I'm sorry, I mean on your award | in Miami Beach.
Concerning your retirement, sir...
I want you to know how much I've enjoyed | working with you all these years...
and how much I hope you enjoy...
your long overdue rest.
Well, I guess I'll run along | and read my book.
Keep in touch, everyone.
They just keep staring at each other. | We've got to do something.
I know how you feel, sir. | I was ready to toss in the towel, too.
Then I met a man who changed my life. | That man was you, sir.
He said, "Take what you have, | however little...
"and do your best with it."
"Never quit. Never lose hope." | That's the lassard I knew.
And where is that lassard now?
Right here.
By God, you're right.
I was feeling sorry for myself. No more.
I'm still being honored...
at the National Police Chiefs Convention | in Miami Beach.
-Affirmative, sir! | -Go there with my head held high.
-Yes, sir! | -It will be my finest hour!
-Duck! | -Get down!
That's the spirit, sir.
Good shot.
It would make my crowning moment | only greater...
if my loyal graduates could be there | to share it with me.
Miami Beach? All that surf, sun, and fun?
Then you can meet Nick, my nephew. | He's a policeman in Miami Beach.
We'll do it, sir. But only for you.
You have all given me new hope.
-Way to go, sir. | -We're so proud of you.
If I cannot stay, then I'll go out in style.
Miami Beach, get ready.
Get ready for Eric Lassard!
The fish!
It's good to have you back, sir.
And I can assure you, this Academy...
under my administration, will no longer | be a source of any embarrassment to you.
-Yes, so you keep telling me. | -Sir.
Clean office. | My office hasn't been cleaned in a week.
-Janitor quit on me. | -Excuse me, sir.
Commissioner, I would like you to look at | this plan that I have formulated.
-It completely restructures-- | -I don't mean to bother you, sir!
...here at the Academy.
Harris, you may Well be the best man | for this position.
You may even wind up | as commandant of this Academy.
But you sure have a lot to learn | about acting like a commandant.
At least Lassard has the respect | of his men. Whose respect do you have?
-Commissioner shouldn't have said that. | -He's right.
I know, sir...
but he still shouldn't say it.
No, he's right.
Being qualified just isn't enough.
Now, I know that I was born | to be commandant.
It is my destiny.
You and I are going to Miami Beach.
-We are? | -Don't you see?
We'll go to Miami Beach | and help honor Lassard.
That will show the Commissioner | what a big man I can be.
-Yes, sir. | -Get on the phone. Call the airport.
Make a reservation to Miami Beach.
-First class. | -VIP.
-VIP. I'll impress them from the start. | -That's brilliant, sir.
Jones, pick up the phone.
Up.
When's Lassard coming back?
I didn't know he was gone.
Hello, municipal airport? | This is it. Proctor...
of the Metropolitan Police Academy. | Capt. Harris will be attending...
the NationaI Police Chiefs Convention | in Miami Beach...
and will require two first class tickets | aboard your most prestigious flight.
All lines are busy. Please hold.
I got Proctor on the telephone trying to | book two first-class tickets to Miami...
for him and Harris. | And he thinks I'm the airport.
Great. Just what we need in Miami, Harris.
No, wait.
Put him on hold for a minute.
Checking computers right now, sir. | Please stand by.
I'd like the number | for Budget Rent a Plane, please.
-Come on, pal. let's go. | -Yeah. Okay.
Go!
Go!
-Here, boss. | -Here.
Duck.
Quietly.
I said quietly.
That's all right.
Would you look at this?
Easy.
Get down, nitwit.
-Hey. | -Nighty-night.
All right, let's go.
All right!
-You got the Laser? | -Yeah.
-Give it to me. Come on. | -Okay, it's hot.
-Here you go. | -Sure, here.
Come to papa.
-Beautiful, boss. | -look at that.
Lt. Callahan.
Sgt. Hightower.
Sgt. Jones.
Sgt. Hooks.
Sgt. Tackleberry.
Officer Conklin.
-Thank you. | -All right. let's go.
We've got some time, boys. | What say we find ourselves the bar?
-Sure thing, boss. | -Yeah. Good idea, boss.
Watch it, kid!
Yeah. Nice shot.
-They ought to keep those kids on a leash. | -Yeah.
What an idiot.
Boss.
Out of the way, buddy.
You all right?
-How's my hair? | -Beautiful, boss.
There he goes, boss.
let him go. | We don't want to draw attention.
Yeah, the diamonds.
-Are you sure my hair's all right? | -Yeah, it looks the same.
-How's it look? | -Hasn't budged, boss.
All right. let's go.
Comdt. Lassard...
I was very sorry to learn | that we wouldn't be traveling together.
Now, that is a disappointment.
Lt. Proctor has booked us | on a very speciaI flight.
VIP. Excuse me.
VIP. I understand that you're taking | an economy flight.
We'll just have to meet in Miami. | I'll see you there.
-Shame. | -Morning, sir.
Please be careful with the bag.
Flying makes him nervous.
Metal, please.
Come through again, please.
It's probably the buckle, sir. | Here, Ill get it.
Get away from me, Proctor.
Thank you.
Come through, please.
Very funny, Jones.
Hold on. Miss?
Could you please tell me at what gate | Flight 1545 is boarding?
-Gate 24, sir. | -Could you aIso check and make sure...
that I am in the speciaI VIP section? | The name is Harris.
There is no VIP section, sir. | It's a private plane.
A private plane.
And you and Mr. Proctor | are the only listed passengers.
I see. Our own plane.
Well, Well, Harris. | You travel first-class, I must say.
Well, it's the only way. Come, Proctor.
-Au revoir! Bon voyage! | -Ciao!
Auf Wiedersehen.
Oh, my God!
This is great! Our own airplane. | AnimaIs to play with.
Ill tell you, this VIP treatment | is worth every penny.
A-okay!
Why do I put up with you?
I think that's because | my sister married your nephew...
-and that makes us-- | -Shut up, Proctor!
Sir, they like you!
-Sir, what would you like to drink today? | -Nothing right now, thank you.
Trichloroethane just doesn't have | the appeaI for me that it used to have.
I still depend on the old PR-24.
This little baby, it doesn't even break. | It pulverizes.
I can smash anybody. | I can hold them in a chokehold.
I have complete control over a perpetrator | or a group of perpetrators.
One time, when I saw these three guys | coming on from the left....
Eyes left!
Hightower, check this out.
-What you got there, House? | -There's an article here on Malone.
-I don't even like him. | -Give me five points.
-You got it. | -Excuse me, sir...
would you mind returning | to your own seat?
-We're about to serve the meal. | -The meal?
-Out of order. | -let me in here.
You've been waiting long? | Great. She's been....
Come on! Other people in need here, | you know.
Sorry.
Im sorry. There seems to be | something wrong with the sink.
I don't believe it. We're on the same plane.
-Boss, you know, we should.... | -What, are you crazy?
-We can't make a scene while we got.... | -Wait for your turn.
Come on. let me in.
let me out of here!
-I'll kill him! | -No, boss!
-The diamonds, boss. | -Right.
Here. Fix this.
-Please, sir. Your cigar. | -You got a problem, Lady?
-Excuse me. | -Now what?
-Okay, nice touch, Hooks. | -Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, | thank you for flying with us.
We hope you enjoy your stay | in the Miami area.
The temperature is a balmy 82 degrees.
I don't know what's the matter. | It must be stuck.
Ill get some help.
-It'll just be a minute or so, folks. | -Shall we help her?
-let's do it. | -Excuse me, ma'am.
Thank you.
Why, thank you, gentlemen.
You may all deplane now.
Attention, please. | Passengers on Flight 183...
continuing from Miami to Caracas...
there will be a slight delay | due to a small malfunction.
After we deliver the diamonds, | a night on the town. Your treat.
Stay the hell away from that old man. | He's bad Luck. Keep your distance.
He's a bucket of bad news. | All right, now we can relax.
-You okay, boss? You all right, boss? | -Yeah.
-The bag. | -Ill get it.
-I got it. | -Im all right.
-Give me the damn bag. | -You got it.
let's get the hell out of here. | I got people to meet.
-What the hell is this? | -looks like a moron convention.
-That's a nice set of papayas. | -There he is.
Ive read of your accomplishments, | and I must say that our city...
is proud to welcome | the Police Officer of the Decade.
-You're very, very kind, Mr. Mayor. | -Our Police Commissioner, Dave Murdock.
He's in charge of | the Police Chiefs Convention.
-Very, very pleased to meet you, Dave. | -Pleasure's all mine, Comdt. Lassard.
Mayor Thompson, Id like you to meet...
Comdt. Lassard's | Police Commissioner, Henry Hurst.
How do you do?
And these, Dave, are my finest.
Good to have you here, officers.
Stop! Halt!
-Good to see you, Nick. | -Hi, Uncle Eric.
That's my nephew, Nick | I was talking about. Im very proud of him.
What's the matter? What are you doing?
-Here's your wallet, sir. | -Thank you, Officer.
You're very welcome.
Good to see you, Uncle Eric.
Ive looked forward to this so much.
Nick, I want you to meet my finest, | my best friends.
Excuse me. Bill?
Comdt. Lassard, this is my wife, Eileen...
the chairwoman | of our welcoming committee.
-Very pleased to meet you. | -How do you do?
We've greeted everyone | except Capt. Harris.
-We can't find him anywhere. | -He'll be along shortly.
He's traveling by private plane.
Isn't this fun, sir?
They look impressed, sir. | I wish we had an elephant.
Would you like something?
Your merchandise, sir.
-You got the diamonds? | -Yes, sir. We did like you told us.
We tore out the stones | and threw that gold junk away.
-Good. | -We hid them in the camera.
It's gift-wrapped.
-Is this some kind of joke? | -Sir?
I got no excuse, sir. | Somebody pulled a bag switch on me.
My boat leaves the country in 24 hours.
-You got till then. | -Yes, sir.
-Don't disappoint me again. | -Thank you, Mr. Dempsey.
Shit!
That crazy old man has our bag! All right.
We search every hotel untiI we find him.
If we don't get those diamonds back | this time tomorrow, we're dead.
-You give a fine tour, David. | -Thank you, Commissioner.
Commissioner Murdock, | what have you got planned...
as police procedure demonstration | this year?
Last year, they arrested everyone | above the rank of captain, put us all in jaiL.
It was all rather fun, really.
Comdt. Lassard, if I told you, | it would spoiI the surprise.
let me show you the pool area | and the rest of the hotel...
where most our convention | will take place.
It's a good picture.
I guess the uniform | brings out the best in me.
Uncle Eric, are you all right?
Im really going to miss all this.
Testing, one, two, three, four. | Testing, can you hear me?
Is that okay?
This is going to be a great convention. | They got crowd control demonstrations...
new equipment, martiaI arts.
And, look, a bomb disposaI presentation.
-You guys put on a good show. | -Yes, sir, we do.
But it doesn't start untiI this afternoon. | So this morning...
I would like you to see another show | on a beautifuI stretch of beach.
Of course, the pool is nice, too.
Pardon me, won't you?
Attention, ladies, the water aerobics class | will begin in 15 minutes.
Show us how.
Poolside masseur.
I see.
-Enjoying yourself? | -Very much so. Thank you. And you?
Oh, yeah.
I just love it when a strange man | puts his hands all over my body.
You do?
-It gives me a chance to do this. | -No, wait.
Attention, guests, the water aerobics class | will begin in 15 minutes.
-So I guess I deserved that. | -But it was fun.
Hightower, okay, here we go. Come on.
Ill go out for a long one, okay? | Okay, here we go.
Okay, come on.
Here we go, come on.
Ill buy one. Okay, here we go! Come on!
What's the matter, no arm? Okay!
Andrew, honey!
Come on. Come get your sun block.
Help!
Shark!
Desist and leave | the swimming area now, mister.
What's that guy doing?
Move it.
Now!
Way to go, House!
The secret to a great tan is control.
First, I use this Number 4 tanning lotion | to give myself a nice golden brown.
Then I use a complete sun block | to keep those dangerous rays off my skin.
Throw it here, to me.
-Some dickhead is standing in my sun. | -Captain Harris, I didn't see you there.
I don't think we've been introduced--
I don't care who you are, buttwipe. | Just get out of my sun.
-Buttwipe? | -Scram, sleazeball!
Okay. Fine.
Buttwipe? Haven't heard that in a while.
-That was great, sir. | -Proctor.
-Yes, sir. | -Now you're in my sun.
let me have your sun block, Kate.
Where's he going?
Is this how your feet fit in these things?
Ive never done this before. | This is my first time!
So, don't do anything | untiI I wave my hand, okay?
-Whatever. | -You got that?
Stop!
Excuse me!
Never mind!
Thanks. I meant to do that, too.
Thanks. Thank you.
-Pretty good? | -Oh, my God!
Hello, dork.
What's happening, dork?
Check that guy out.
You do good work, lisa. | No question about it.
Mr. Mayor, excuse me, sir. | I don't mean to insult your city...
but the people on this beach | are very rude and hostile.
Im sorry to hear that, Capt. Dork.
He's an old guy about this tall, | with white hair, always carries a golf bag.
-You haven't seen him? | -He ain't at this hotel either.
We are dead men. | Three dead men, that's who we are.
-Where the hell have you guys been? | -We was at the track.
-Mr. Dempsey couldn't find us. | -He was very upset, you know.
-Any of you guys want a doughnut? | -We got to find this old guy!
It's going to be dark soon.
Can we get | a couple of those potato coladas?
What?
Could I get a pink.... | No, make it a green umbrella.
Drink up, sir. Bottoms up.
-May I have a grasshopper, please? | -Hi, how are you?
What a snob.
Snob? Take a look at yourself, | you first-class schmuck.
Change. Give me some change.
-Scorpio, right? | -No.
Sir, can I get a cigar?
-libra? | -No.
-You're a very pretty Lady. | -Thanks.
That's a nice suntan.
I got a little suntan today, too.
That's nice.
Maybe you'd like to come up to my room | Later and put a little lotion on it.
No? look at these cute freckles. | What is your name, little girl?
What are you doing, blowing in my ear?
-No, sir-- | -Scram!
My name is Thaddeus Harris. | Maybe you've heard of me.
Not really.
-Put it out! | -Don't.
I guess coming up to my room | is out of the question.
Women. Go figure.
I won't tell anyone.
Is it a mock bomb threat? | A robbery? Am I getting warm?
Eric, Im not telling you anything | about the police procedure demonstration.
-You're just going to have to wait and see. | -Oh, Well....
You have a fine operation, David. | Thank you for showing it to me.
My pleasure, Eric. | Im just sorry that I made us run Late.
All right.
Between us, | we've covered every hotel on hotel row.
You guys. I want you guys | to start South Beach.
We don't see him here, | we'll start Northside...
and work our way to you. You got it?
You got it? Okay, get out of here.
You squirted me | with your doughnut, moron!
-You are disgusting. You are such a pig! | -Boss, Im sorry.
You guys are such pigs.
We better go right on in.
That's him!
Come on, get out of here! | What're you waiting for?
Excuse us, Gunga Din.
-Yeah, Gunga. | -Where's the boss?
-He's right there, boss. | -He's right over there, boss.
We grab him. We get out. Quiet if we can, | rough if we have to. You got it?
Got it, boss. Ill take the big guy.
-Both are big guys. | -Ill take the guy with white hair.
Both got white hair.
-Ill take the left. | -Your left--
-Would you shut up? | -All right, boss.
-You got it? | -Got it boss.
Come on in and register.
Sorry, wrong room.
Best of Luck.
The blue card is your Lunch pass.
-Boss, he's a cop! | -We're dead men, boss.
-Boss! | -Shut up. I gotta think.
Would you two guys clean yourselves up? | You're disgusting!
He's a cop.
Come on, Birdie. | let's get our little fish a little sunshine.
Where's my little fish?
Birdie, where are you?
They shouldn't have.
Splendid!
Come on out.
Hotel Laundry service, sir.
You got anything you want | dry cleaned or Laundered?
-Nothing today, thank you. | -Very good, sir.
This present has reaI possibilities.
There you are, you naughty, naughty fish.
I was thinking of having him | put a little more blue in it....
Come on.
A piece of cake, boss.
What?
What have we got here?
Where is the camera?
And Bambi's not going to take any flak...
when she wears | this lovely camouflage flak vest.
Would you care to try it on, sir?
Handcuffs. Laverne, look, restraints.
Excuse me, miss. Pardon me, miss?
Excuse me.
-Pardon me-- | -Hooks.
Why don't you try this?
This works even better!
Out of my way.
So when you see him, go....
You know what I mean? Okay.
This is the guy, all right?
Thank you.
Hey, dork.
Don't miss the Latest | in police holds and grips.
They will be demonstrated | on five different mats.
We have experts demonstrating | techniques in...
judo, aikido, Taekwon-Do, | hapkido, and karate.
-Hey, Callahan. | -Nick.
Excellent technique.
-Is that Kate? | -Yeah.
-You didn't know she could do that? | -Didn't even know she was a cop.
Where is he?
-Cut the strap! | -Im trying.
Don't!
-Come on, just get the camera. | -Okay.
-Missed him again. | -Go round the wall.
With our next volunteer, | we will demonstrate the chokehold.
We take him down with a sweep down.
If he becomes aggressive...
we take his arm, turn him around...
into the stomach throw.
Next?
I accept your challenge.
Okay.
let's see what you got, Jonesey.
All right, you're on.
Very good.
Thank you.
Next.
Jones, look at that. It's a knife.
-Watch this! | -Did she say knife?
Brother, let me help you up.
Not bad for a beginner.
What a good sport. Next.
That's it for me, Lady.
Come on, don't be afraid.
-Make way. | -Here's a volunteer.
Commissioner, fabulous convention.
-Fabulous, sir. | -Good.
This is a great convention.
Next. I need a volunteer.
Thanks.
Upsy-daisy.
That's okay, Im all right.
-Thank you. | -Next.
An authoritative voice | is very important in crowd control.
Now, let's see how some of you people | do in this situation.
Officer, out here with me.
The crowd has just broken through | your police line.
Move them back.
Hell, no! We won't go!
-What's the matter. You think Ill hurt you? | -Yeah.
Just remember what I taught you, okay?
-Be gentle. | -Okay.
I guess I did that wrong.
I don't know. | This technique has its merits.
-Shall we try it again? | -Practice makes perfect.
Officer, your turn. Out here with me.
Hell, no! We won't go!
Excuse me. We need to keep it....
It would really help us a lot | if you'll just back up.
Back off, you turkeys!
Im a police officer, | and when I talk, you listen!
Now, get your butts the hell back there | before I really get mad!
And no back talk!
-We jump out of this. That's him? | -Yeah. Go out on the limb.
let's get him.
-Where'd he go? | -How come we haven't hit the ground yet?
Physics.
-Way to zing there, Officer. | -Very, very nice shooting, Officer.
Excellent shooting! Excellent!
Officer, you need to share those weapons | with the other officers.
No. I need these.
let me talk to him.
Ill get you some of your very own | just as soon as we get home.
-You promise? | -Cross my heart.
-Okay. | -Good.
-Thank you very much. | -Thank you.
Eugene, this one, too.
let's go.
Thank you. let's go, guys. Excuse me.
May I have an interview, please?
On three, two, one, guys. | Hello, and you are?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris | of the Metropolitan Police Department.
Only a captain? Cut. Out of here.
-He's a nobody. | -He looks like a waiter.
-Sir-- | -Not a word, Proctor.
All right. Okay.
Our 24 hours are almost gone.
We got to get that camera back now!
Why do we need five guys | to take a camera from one old man?
-Believe me, it ain't that easy. | -Yeah.
Boys, I want you to | try this one on for size.
let's just say | we happen to be passing by...
and the poor old guy happens to faint.
Mouse, Sugar, they happen to catch him. | They set him down on the ground.
Maybe they open his collar.
Maybe they slip that | nasty camera off his neck.
-That is a great plan, boss. | -Very good.
If the old man faints.
He'll faint.
Julio will make sure of that. | Go on, Julio, show them.
We'll give him a shot, | make him go night-night.
-That's a pretty good plan, boss. | -That's great.
-Come on, let's get out of here. | -All right.
Come on, Sugar.
We only have about | 10 more minutes of this.
-Lassard, congratulations! | -Thank you so much.
let me just.... Here you go.
Commissioner, could I get a picture...
of you congratulating Comdt. Lassard?
-Of course, certainly. Yes. | -Thank you.
Photo opportunity.
Stay.
Thank you.
Commandant, I just want to say hello | and congratulations.
We'll get him next time, boss. | We'll see to it. We'll get it.
It wasn't our fault.
Excuse me.
Would you just give me my damn camera?
-My camera? | -Give me my damn camera!
-What are those? | -Diamonds!
-You broke my camera. | -Diamonds!
All right! All right!
Nobody move, or the old man is history.
-Boss. | -What?
All right. I want to see hands in the air. | Everybody's hands up.
Now. Hands up!
Pick him up. | I want everybody where I can see them.
-Get the diamonds. | -I see.
The police procedure demonstration.
A kidnapping. How original.
-I am honored. | -Shut up, old man.
Yes, of course. Im sorry.
Now, we make for the elevator.
Anybody gets stupid, | he gets filled full of holes.
Police, freeze!
Cover me up top! let's go!
All right, release your hostage...
put your weapons on the ground, | and slowly put your hands in the air!
Well said! That's my nephew.
-Shut up, old man. | -Okay, mister, hands up!
Hi.
Nobody's gonna shoot. | Not while I got grandpa here.
-Now! | -Too Late!
Mouse, Sugar, get in the elevator!
-Nobody move! | -No, no. He's bluffing, right?
Smart boy. He was bluffing.
He was bluffing, boss.
All right! What floor?
What's the matter? | You got a problem with this floor?
I don't mean to interfere, | but the commissioners are all downstairs.
I would use the penthouse. | It's very defensible.
You're all welcome to use my suite. | Allow me.
What?
Here we are.
All right, Im ready.
Snap it up with those blueprints. | We don't have all day.
-Here you are, sir. | -Thank you.
Tackleberry, would you please | stop doing that?
Sorry, sir.
All right.
Now, they're gonna | give us anything we want.
So all we got to do is figure out | the fastest way to get to Dempsey's boat.
-Im thirsty, boss. | -You got any booze around here?
-Certainly. The bar's very Well-stocked. | -Thanks.
There might still be | some ice cream left in the freezer.
Thanks. You're really a good host.
You're very welcome.
Do you mind?
Some of us are trying to | plan our escape here.
Sorry, boss.
We are definitely gonna need | a boat at the harbor.
And we're definitely gonna need | a fast car at the hotel back entrance.
What?
With the roof so accessible, | you'd be a fool not to ask for a helicopter.
Helicopter? What a stupid idea!
No. He's right.
We'd be a sitting duck in that car. | The chopper is a great idea.
-We take the chopper to the harbor-- | -And?
Then we switch to the boat!
What? You don't like the boat?
-What? | -What?
I have to go to the little boys' room.
No, this is a kidnapping! | It's not a kindergarten!
Boss, he did think of the helicopter.
Yeah. Come on, boss.
All right, fine.
But make it quick. | Got a phone call to make here.
All right.
All we can do now | is wait untiI we hear their demands.
Im afraid you're right. | All we can do now is wait.
Would someone please wake Harris up?
He's thinking.
Here we go, come on. Open up. Big aah.
Would you please stop doing that?
Sorry, sir.
Incoming call for you, sir.
-Hello. | -All right. listen up.
I want a helicopter with pilot | on the roof of this hotel.
And?
And I want a fast boat | waiting for me in the harbor.
If all goes Well, I see no cops...
I hand the old man back to you | at the 12-mile mark off Key West...
as soon as we're safe | in internationaI waters.
We want some proof | that Lassard is still alive.
Your buddies want to talk to you.
-Hello? | -Comdt. Lassard?
Commissioner Hurst, | how nice of you to call.
I do hope that you do your best | to rescue me.
It'll only make the whole thing | all the more exciting.
Don't worry, Uncle Eric, | we'll get you out of this.
All right. He's alive. | How long, depends on you.
I think, in his own way, | Lassard is telling us...
that he'd rather risk his own life | than let those animaIs get away.
Brave man.
Sir. I realize that this is your jurisdiction...
but if there's going to be a rescue attempt, | we'd like to volunteer.
Commissioner Murdock, | I couldn't agree more.
I think it is vitaI that the rescue team | know Comdt. Lassard intimately.
I can vouch for the skill | of these police officers.
After all, I trained them myself.
It must be the drugs.
This is the floor | where Lassard is being held hostage.
-Capt. Harris? | -Yes?
All right, gentlemen. | This is what I want you to do.
And you will do it | exactly as I tell you to do it.
You've tuned to Larvell Jones | on the KWURST Radio.
And, now, the love Doctor. | I want you to come here, baby.
You and me, yeah. All the way.
Come on down. let's get down, baby, | because I need you. I love you.
That concludes our broadcast day.
How come I got the part with the steps?
I offered you the vent.
No.
let's go.
Nice, Kate. Watch this.
A woman's work is never done.
Come on.
That went off without a hitch.
Where is everybody?
I don't get it.
The chopper's here already.
It wasn't supposed to be here for an hour.
-Someone must have changed the plans. | -Yeah, Harris.
Your plan was brilliant, sir!
Thank you, Proctor.
By giving those incompetents | the diversionary part of this mission...
Ive left the reaI rescue | to the experienced officers...
namely, moi.
I will rescue Lassard, | and Ill get a promotion and a medal.
-Freeze! | -Freeze!
-We've got you covered. This is the police. | -Well done, Harris!
It was my pleasure, sir. | Now, everyone, drop your guns!
-Proctor, get down there and pick them up. | -Yes, sir.
No, Proctor, no. Use the Ladder. | The Ladder!
All right! Come on, give it to me.
That's right. Hands up, | or you've got one dead dork.
Nice twist. They're really going all out | this year, aren't they?
Get these guys to the chopper. | All right, Im going to my boat.
Tell your people, | I see one plane, one chopper, one boat...
before we reach our rendezvous, | these guys are shark bait. You got it?
-Where's Harris? | -They kidnapped him, too.
From now on, we do it our way.
We'll need some more information.
I don't know nothing.
I see. Ill tell you, partner...
don't tell me. Tell him.
The boss said to wait here | while he checked on the chopper.
Then you guys showed up, | and that's all I know!
I swear, I swear it.
Ill tell the others.
-Can I drop you somewhere? | -No!
-Im going down now. | -Okay, boss.
You concentrate. | Keep your hands on the wheel.
All right, boss.
All right. Im coming down.
That ended my first career.
Then, when I was 12 years old...
I got a job as a boxboy at the A&P.
That was a very, very exciting time for me.
I had many, many interesting experiences.
One day, as I was | stacking canned vegetables...
I think it was petit pois. | No, creamed corn...
or was it, maybe, succotash?
I can't quite remember.
Excuse me. Is there any possibility...
that I could be held hostage by myself?
Outside would be fine. | I don't mind the breeze.
What's the matter? | You're not enjoying yourself here?
Don't you worry your pretty little head. | You'll be out of misery in no time.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
My boss' boat is waiting for me.
As soon as we meet up with him, | Im gonna sink this baby...
with you in it.
You'll never get away with this, | you two-bit, fiIthy scum!
-What did he call me? | -Scum.
Perhaps you'd like to leave now. Mouse.
About that "fiIthy scum " comment....
Shut up, shark bait.
-Shark bait? | -Shut up.
What strategy.
Are you quite sure we didn't meet | at the Toronto Convention in '76?
You are one nutty old man.
Sug', how's it going?
We're getting pretty close, boss.
Boss, Mr. Dempsey should be | plenty proud of you.
You got the diamonds back. You did it.
Yeah.
I did it.
-Throw the line. | -Got it.
Mr. Dempsey, your merchandise, sir.
You're a good man, Tony.
Finish your business first. Then bring | the diamonds and let's get out of here.
Mr. Dempsey...
the dork, I don't mind, but the old man....
No witnesses.
-Don't disappoint me again. | -Yes, sir.
Shit.
Sorry, Mouse, he wouldn't go for it.
Excuse me. Could I say something?
Sure.
Don't kill me.
I won't tell on your gang. | I won't say a word. You can trust me.
Ill tell you what Im gonna do, | Ill shoot you second.
Thanks.
I just want to say that | this has been a splendid kidnapping.
Thank you. Thank you very much. | I really appreciate that.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart: | You have been one outstanding hostage.
My pleasure.
No, I mean it. Now, I got to kill you.
I understand.
Nothing personal. Just business.
What the hell is that?
Take care of them.
Out of my way, dirtbag!
Tony, you and Sugar | take the weenie for a hostage.
I got the old man. Come on!
This way, come on! Hurry up!
Get him! Take him out!
Now, which one of you guys | was resisting arrest?
-Not me. | -Me, either.
Come on, Tackleberry, | we need some help!
Up ahead, Hightower!
Keep it steady! Get ready to jump!
Okay, go!
-Are you okay? | -Yeah.
Where the hell have you been? | What took you so long?
I had to change clothes!
Where'd you get those | funny-looking clothes?
Wonderful!
Dispatch all units. Maintain your positions | until told otherwise.
Over that way. Steady. You got it.
Bombs away!
Here I come! Geronimo!
-Faster! | -Im going as fast as I can!
You're in trouble now. It's a dead end.
look out, old man!
Well done!
look out!
All right!
They probably think they got us!
I think we got them!
There's no way out.
-They think there's no way out! | -look out, here he comes.
-Well done! | -It's nothing.
let's get him!
-Capt. Harris. | -Sergeant.
I was locked in here during the fighting.
-Carry on. | -Yes, sir!
Move it. let's get these felons tied up | and into police custody.
Proctor! Where is Proctor?
Im coming, sir!
-Here I come! | -Proctor.
I did that. Im sorry, sir, my fault!
It didn't hurt. Didn't hurt.
Don't just stand there. Get me out of here!
Move it!
look out, gator!
That gator better watch out.
Roll him over, Hightower!
No!
All right!
Thank you.
Stay where you are. I still got the old man.
-Uncle Eric, are you all right? | -This is awesome!
It's the best procedure demonstration | in history!
Uncle Eric, those are reaI crooks.
In that case....
Nothing personal. Just business.
After capturing | the Mal-Ankh-Ee diamond thieves...
and bringing them to justice...
these officers have been cited | for medals of honor...
by the city of Miami.
In addition, one officer selflessly...
and at the risk of his life...
saved Captain Harris from certain death.
He is Sgt. Moses Hightower.
let them have their little moment. | We know who will have the Last Laugh.
Yes, we do, Comdt. Harris.
For his remarkable record...
this department is proud | to promote Sergeant Hightower...
to it. Hightower!
I think it is fitting that it. Hightower...
receive his bars from the very officer | whose life he saved:
Capt. Harris.
You dork.
Congratulations, Lt. Hightower!
It has been a great, great pleasure...
serving you as commandant | of this Academy.
I'll miss you all. FareWell.
Godspeed, and thank you.
Nothing could please me more | than what I am about to say.
The Governor and l | wish that Eric Lassard...
continue as commandant | of this Academy...
until such time as he sees fit | to retire himself.
Oh, no!
English
Is he gone yet? Is he gone?
-Sir, he's gone. | -Okay, let's go.
Anybody home?
Idiot.
Close the door.
-You know what to look for, right? | -Yeah. No. A light switch?
Please try not to be such an idiot.
-I'm okay. | -Nobody asked.
-He's not here. | -Who?
-Commissioner Hurst. | -Of course he's not here.
It's 3:00 in the morning. That's the point.
Maybe we should have called first.
If I'd wanted the Commissioner | to watch me while I looked at his files...
I could have come in during the day | and made an appointment.
Wait a minute. You mean | we're breaking and entering illegally?
-We are breaking the Law? | -No.
We are not breaking the Law.
We are merely stretching it a little.
It's okay to break the law | if you have a good reason...
-like a note from your doctor or mom. | -We are not breaking the Law.
We are stretching it.
Do you get it?
-Not really, sir. | -I got a note in my pocket, okay?
Okay. Why didn't you just say that?
Commissioner Hurst....
"Comdt. Eric Lassard."
Well, there he is.
For years you've kept me | from my rightful place...
as Commandant of the Police Academy.
You always manage to come out on top | somehow, don't you?
I know that there is | something in this file...
that is going to help me | get the upper hand for a change.
Who's in there?
Commissioner Hurst?
Yes. Who's out there?
Bob the janitor, sir.
I understand, sir. | And I didn't see you here tonight.
-I really appreciate that, Bob. | -Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bob.
-Proctor. | -Yes, sir?
This is it! According to these records, | Comdt. Eric Lassard...
reached the state's | mandatory retirement age Last year!
-Don't you see what this means? | -No!
This means that Comdt. Lassard...
should have retired | from the Police Academy a year ago.
Somehow, this information | just slipped through.
I find it my duty | as a conscientious police officer...
to see to it | that this file reaches the Personnel Office.
Are we going to have to | break in there, too, sir?
Officer Katherine Page.
Thank you, sir.
Officer Carla Grant.
Thank you.
Officer Bill Baker.
Thank you, sir.
Officer Bambi Brandon.
-Thank you, sir. | -Thank you.
Officer Kevin Wilson.
And last, but certainly not least, | not in any way...
Officer Thomas Conklin.
Also known as House.
Congratulations!
I'll miss you, Class of '88.
Nice.
I've seen a lot of graduating classes.
And let me say that | this is one of the very best of them.
Clearly, Comdt. Lassard | has outdone himself this time.
It's my privilege to announce | that Comdt. Eric Lassard...
will be honored | as Police Officer of the Decade...
at this year's | National Police Chiefs Convention...
to be held in Miami Beach.
This Academy owes a great debt...
to the vision of Comdt. Lassard...
which makes what I have to say next | even more difficult.
It is with great sadness and regret...
that I must announce | Eric Lassard's retirement...
as Commandant of this police academy.
Comdt. Lassard has reached | this state's mandatory retirement age.
A gualified successor will, | of course, be chosen.
But the new commandant | will have no easy task filling these shoes.
-What are we going to do? | -Kick some butt.
-It's just not right. | -This is so unfair.
-I've never seen him like this. | -He was always so strong.
-The Academy was his strength. | -Now he's lost it.
It's just not right.
-Why don't we just shoot somebody? | -Commandant.
-No. He ain't worth it. | -Congratulations on your retirement!
I'm sorry, I mean on your award | in Miami Beach.
Concerning your retirement, sir...
I want you to know how much I've enjoyed | working with you all these years...
and how much I hope you enjoy...
your long overdue rest.
Well, I guess I'll run along | and read my book.
Keep in touch, everyone.
They just keep staring at each other. | We've got to do something.
I know how you feel, sir. | I was ready to toss in the towel, too.
Then I met a man who changed my life. | That man was you, sir.
He said, "Take what you have, | however little...
"and do your best with it."
"Never quit. Never lose hope." | That's the lassard I knew.
And where is that lassard now?
Right here.
By God, you're right.
I was feeling sorry for myself. No more.
I'm still being honored...
at the National Police Chiefs Convention | in Miami Beach.
-Affirmative, sir! | -Go there with my head held high.
-Yes, sir! | -It will be my finest hour!
-Duck! | -Get down!
That's the spirit, sir.
Good shot.
It would make my crowning moment | only greater...
if my loyal graduates could be there | to share it with me.
Miami Beach? All that surf, sun, and fun?
Then you can meet Nick, my nephew. | He's a policeman in Miami Beach.
We'll do it, sir. But only for you.
You have all given me new hope.
-Way to go, sir. | -We're so proud of you.
If I cannot stay, then I'll go out in style.
Miami Beach, get ready.
Get ready for Eric Lassard!
The fish!
It's good to have you back, sir.
And I can assure you, this Academy...
under my administration, will no longer | be a source of any embarrassment to you.
-Yes, so you keep telling me. | -Sir.
Clean office. | My office hasn't been cleaned in a week.
-Janitor quit on me. | -Excuse me, sir.
Commissioner, I would like you to look at | this plan that I have formulated.
-It completely restructures-- | -I don't mean to bother you, sir!
...here at the Academy.
Harris, you may Well be the best man | for this position.
You may even wind up | as commandant of this Academy.
But you sure have a lot to learn | about acting like a commandant.
At least Lassard has the respect | of his men. Whose respect do you have?
-Commissioner shouldn't have said that. | -He's right.
I know, sir...
but he still shouldn't say it.
No, he's right.
Being qualified just isn't enough.
Now, I know that I was born | to be commandant.
It is my destiny.
You and I are going to Miami Beach.
-We are? | -Don't you see?
We'll go to Miami Beach | and help honor Lassard.
That will show the Commissioner | what a big man I can be.
-Yes, sir. | -Get on the phone. Call the airport.
Make a reservation to Miami Beach.
-First class. | -VIP.
-VIP. I'll impress them from the start. | -That's brilliant, sir.
Jones, pick up the phone.
Up.
When's Lassard coming back?
I didn't know he was gone.
Hello, municipal airport? | This is it. Proctor...
of the Metropolitan Police Academy. | Capt. Harris will be attending...
the NationaI Police Chiefs Convention | in Miami Beach...
and will require two first class tickets | aboard your most prestigious flight.
All lines are busy. Please hold.
I got Proctor on the telephone trying to | book two first-class tickets to Miami...
for him and Harris. | And he thinks I'm the airport.
Great. Just what we need in Miami, Harris.
No, wait.
Put him on hold for a minute.
Checking computers right now, sir. | Please stand by.
I'd like the number | for Budget Rent a Plane, please.
-Come on, pal. let's go. | -Yeah. Okay.
Go!
Go!
-Here, boss. | -Here.
Duck.
Quietly.
I said quietly.
That's all right.
Would you look at this?
Easy.
Get down, nitwit.
-Hey. | -Nighty-night.
All right, let's go.
All right!
-You got the Laser? | -Yeah.
-Give it to me. Come on. | -Okay, it's hot.
-Here you go. | -Sure, here.
Come to papa.
-Beautiful, boss. | -look at that.
Lt. Callahan.
Sgt. Hightower.
Sgt. Jones.
Sgt. Hooks.
Sgt. Tackleberry.
Officer Conklin.
-Thank you. | -All right. let's go.
We've got some time, boys. | What say we find ourselves the bar?
-Sure thing, boss. | -Yeah. Good idea, boss.
Watch it, kid!
Yeah. Nice shot.
-They ought to keep those kids on a leash. | -Yeah.
What an idiot.
Boss.
Out of the way, buddy.
You all right?
-How's my hair? | -Beautiful, boss.
There he goes, boss.
let him go. | We don't want to draw attention.
Yeah, the diamonds.
-Are you sure my hair's all right? | -Yeah, it looks the same.
-How's it look? | -Hasn't budged, boss.
All right. let's go.
Comdt. Lassard...
I was very sorry to learn | that we wouldn't be traveling together.
Now, that is a disappointment.
Lt. Proctor has booked us | on a very speciaI flight.
VIP. Excuse me.
VIP. I understand that you're taking | an economy flight.
We'll just have to meet in Miami. | I'll see you there.
-Shame. | -Morning, sir.
Please be careful with the bag.
Flying makes him nervous.
Metal, please.
Come through again, please.
It's probably the buckle, sir. | Here, Ill get it.
Get away from me, Proctor.
Thank you.
Come through, please.
Very funny, Jones.
Hold on. Miss?
Could you please tell me at what gate | Flight 1545 is boarding?
-Gate 24, sir. | -Could you aIso check and make sure...
that I am in the speciaI VIP section? | The name is Harris.
There is no VIP section, sir. | It's a private plane.
A private plane.
And you and Mr. Proctor | are the only listed passengers.
I see. Our own plane.
Well, Well, Harris. | You travel first-class, I must say.
Well, it's the only way. Come, Proctor.
-Au revoir! Bon voyage! | -Ciao!
Auf Wiedersehen.
Oh, my God!
This is great! Our own airplane. | AnimaIs to play with.
Ill tell you, this VIP treatment | is worth every penny.
A-okay!
Why do I put up with you?
I think that's because | my sister married your nephew...
-and that makes us-- | -Shut up, Proctor!
Sir, they like you!
-Sir, what would you like to drink today? | -Nothing right now, thank you.
Trichloroethane just doesn't have | the appeaI for me that it used to have.
I still depend on the old PR-24.
This little baby, it doesn't even break. | It pulverizes.
I can smash anybody. | I can hold them in a chokehold.
I have complete control over a perpetrator | or a group of perpetrators.
One time, when I saw these three guys | coming on from the left....
Eyes left!
Hightower, check this out.
-What you got there, House? | -There's an article here on Malone.
-I don't even like him. | -Give me five points.
-You got it. | -Excuse me, sir...
would you mind returning | to your own seat?
-We're about to serve the meal. | -The meal?
-Out of order. | -let me in here.
You've been waiting long? | Great. She's been....
Come on! Other people in need here, | you know.
Sorry.
Im sorry. There seems to be | something wrong with the sink.
I don't believe it. We're on the same plane.
-Boss, you know, we should.... | -What, are you crazy?
-We can't make a scene while we got.... | -Wait for your turn.
Come on. let me in.
let me out of here!
-I'll kill him! | -No, boss!
-The diamonds, boss. | -Right.
Here. Fix this.
-Please, sir. Your cigar. | -You got a problem, Lady?
-Excuse me. | -Now what?
-Okay, nice touch, Hooks. | -Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, | thank you for flying with us.
We hope you enjoy your stay | in the Miami area.
The temperature is a balmy 82 degrees.
I don't know what's the matter. | It must be stuck.
Ill get some help.
-It'll just be a minute or so, folks. | -Shall we help her?
-let's do it. | -Excuse me, ma'am.
Thank you.
Why, thank you, gentlemen.
You may all deplane now.
Attention, please. | Passengers on Flight 183...
continuing from Miami to Caracas...
there will be a slight delay | due to a small malfunction.
After we deliver the diamonds, | a night on the town. Your treat.
Stay the hell away from that old man. | He's bad Luck. Keep your distance.
He's a bucket of bad news. | All right, now we can relax.
-You okay, boss? You all right, boss? | -Yeah.
-The bag. | -Ill get it.
-I got it. | -Im all right.
-Give me the damn bag. | -You got it.
let's get the hell out of here. | I got people to meet.
-What the hell is this? | -looks like a moron convention.
-That's a nice set of papayas. | -There he is.
Ive read of your accomplishments, | and I must say that our city...
is proud to welcome | the Police Officer of the Decade.
-You're very, very kind, Mr. Mayor. | -Our Police Commissioner, Dave Murdock.
He's in charge of | the Police Chiefs Convention.
-Very, very pleased to meet you, Dave. | -Pleasure's all mine, Comdt. Lassard.
Mayor Thompson, Id like you to meet...
Comdt. Lassard's | Police Commissioner, Henry Hurst.
How do you do?
And these, Dave, are my finest.
Good to have you here, officers.
Stop! Halt!
-Good to see you, Nick. | -Hi, Uncle Eric.
That's my nephew, Nick | I was talking about. Im very proud of him.
What's the matter? What are you doing?
-Here's your wallet, sir. | -Thank you, Officer.
You're very welcome.
Good to see you, Uncle Eric.
Ive looked forward to this so much.
Nick, I want you to meet my finest, | my best friends.
Excuse me. Bill?
Comdt. Lassard, this is my wife, Eileen...
the chairwoman | of our welcoming committee.
-Very pleased to meet you. | -How do you do?
We've greeted everyone | except Capt. Harris.
-We can't find him anywhere. | -He'll be along shortly.
He's traveling by private plane.
Isn't this fun, sir?
They look impressed, sir. | I wish we had an elephant.
Would you like something?
Your merchandise, sir.
-You got the diamonds? | -Yes, sir. We did like you told us.
We tore out the stones | and threw that gold junk away.
-Good. | -We hid them in the camera.
It's gift-wrapped.
-Is this some kind of joke? | -Sir?
I got no excuse, sir. | Somebody pulled a bag switch on me.
My boat leaves the country in 24 hours.
-You got till then. | -Yes, sir.
-Don't disappoint me again. | -Thank you, Mr. Dempsey.
Shit!
That crazy old man has our bag! All right.
We search every hotel untiI we find him.
If we don't get those diamonds back | this time tomorrow, we're dead.
-You give a fine tour, David. | -Thank you, Commissioner.
Commissioner Murdock, | what have you got planned...
as police procedure demonstration | this year?
Last year, they arrested everyone | above the rank of captain, put us all in jaiL.
It was all rather fun, really.
Comdt. Lassard, if I told you, | it would spoiI the surprise.
let me show you the pool area | and the rest of the hotel...
where most our convention | will take place.
It's a good picture.
I guess the uniform | brings out the best in me.
Uncle Eric, are you all right?
Im really going to miss all this.
Testing, one, two, three, four. | Testing, can you hear me?
Is that okay?
This is going to be a great convention. | They got crowd control demonstrations...
new equipment, martiaI arts.
And, look, a bomb disposaI presentation.
-You guys put on a good show. | -Yes, sir, we do.
But it doesn't start untiI this afternoon. | So this morning...
I would like you to see another show | on a beautifuI stretch of beach.
Of course, the pool is nice, too.
Pardon me, won't you?
Attention, ladies, the water aerobics class | will begin in 15 minutes.
Show us how.
Poolside masseur.
I see.
-Enjoying yourself? | -Very much so. Thank you. And you?
Oh, yeah.
I just love it when a strange man | puts his hands all over my body.
You do?
-It gives me a chance to do this. | -No, wait.
Attention, guests, the water aerobics class | will begin in 15 minutes.
-So I guess I deserved that. | -But it was fun.
Hightower, okay, here we go. Come on.
Ill go out for a long one, okay? | Okay, here we go.
Okay, come on.
Here we go, come on.
Ill buy one. Okay, here we go! Come on!
What's the matter, no arm? Okay!
Andrew, honey!
Come on. Come get your sun block.
Help!
Shark!
Desist and leave | the swimming area now, mister.
What's that guy doing?
Move it.
Now!
Way to go, House!
The secret to a great tan is control.
First, I use this Number 4 tanning lotion | to give myself a nice golden brown.
Then I use a complete sun block | to keep those dangerous rays off my skin.
Throw it here, to me.
-Some dickhead is standing in my sun. | -Captain Harris, I didn't see you there.
I don't think we've been introduced--
I don't care who you are, buttwipe. | Just get out of my sun.
-Buttwipe? | -Scram, sleazeball!
Okay. Fine.
Buttwipe? Haven't heard that in a while.
-That was great, sir. | -Proctor.
-Yes, sir. | -Now you're in my sun.
let me have your sun block, Kate.
Where's he going?
Is this how your feet fit in these things?
Ive never done this before. | This is my first time!
So, don't do anything | untiI I wave my hand, okay?
-Whatever. | -You got that?
Stop!
Excuse me!
Never mind!
Thanks. I meant to do that, too.
Thanks. Thank you.
-Pretty good? | -Oh, my God!
Hello, dork.
What's happening, dork?
Check that guy out.
You do good work, lisa. | No question about it.
Mr. Mayor, excuse me, sir. | I don't mean to insult your city...
but the people on this beach | are very rude and hostile.
Im sorry to hear that, Capt. Dork.
He's an old guy about this tall, | with white hair, always carries a golf bag.
-You haven't seen him? | -He ain't at this hotel either.
We are dead men. | Three dead men, that's who we are.
-Where the hell have you guys been? | -We was at the track.
-Mr. Dempsey couldn't find us. | -He was very upset, you know.
-Any of you guys want a doughnut? | -We got to find this old guy!
It's going to be dark soon.
Can we get | a couple of those potato coladas?
What?
Could I get a pink.... | No, make it a green umbrella.
Drink up, sir. Bottoms up.
-May I have a grasshopper, please? | -Hi, how are you?
What a snob.
Snob? Take a look at yourself, | you first-class schmuck.
Change. Give me some change.
-Scorpio, right? | -No.
Sir, can I get a cigar?
-libra? | -No.
-You're a very pretty Lady. | -Thanks.
That's a nice suntan.
I got a little suntan today, too.
That's nice.
Maybe you'd like to come up to my room | Later and put a little lotion on it.
No? look at these cute freckles. | What is your name, little girl?
What are you doing, blowing in my ear?
-No, sir-- | -Scram!
My name is Thaddeus Harris. | Maybe you've heard of me.
Not really.
-Put it out! | -Don't.
I guess coming up to my room | is out of the question.
Women. Go figure.
I won't tell anyone.
Is it a mock bomb threat? | A robbery? Am I getting warm?
Eric, Im not telling you anything | about the police procedure demonstration.
-You're just going to have to wait and see. | -Oh, Well....
You have a fine operation, David. | Thank you for showing it to me.
My pleasure, Eric. | Im just sorry that I made us run Late.
All right.
Between us, | we've covered every hotel on hotel row.
You guys. I want you guys | to start South Beach.
We don't see him here, | we'll start Northside...
and work our way to you. You got it?
You got it? Okay, get out of here.
You squirted me | with your doughnut, moron!
-You are disgusting. You are such a pig! | -Boss, Im sorry.
You guys are such pigs.
We better go right on in.
That's him!
Come on, get out of here! | What're you waiting for?
Excuse us, Gunga Din.
-Yeah, Gunga. | -Where's the boss?
-He's right there, boss. | -He's right over there, boss.
We grab him. We get out. Quiet if we can, | rough if we have to. You got it?
Got it, boss. Ill take the big guy.
-Both are big guys. | -Ill take the guy with white hair.
Both got white hair.
-Ill take the left. | -Your left--
-Would you shut up? | -All right, boss.
-You got it? | -Got it boss.
Come on in and register.
Sorry, wrong room.
Best of Luck.
The blue card is your Lunch pass.
-Boss, he's a cop! | -We're dead men, boss.
-Boss! | -Shut up. I gotta think.
Would you two guys clean yourselves up? | You're disgusting!
He's a cop.
Come on, Birdie. | let's get our little fish a little sunshine.
Where's my little fish?
Birdie, where are you?
They shouldn't have.
Splendid!
Come on out.
Hotel Laundry service, sir.
You got anything you want | dry cleaned or Laundered?
-Nothing today, thank you. | -Very good, sir.
This present has reaI possibilities.
There you are, you naughty, naughty fish.
I was thinking of having him | put a little more blue in it....
Come on.
A piece of cake, boss.
What?
What have we got here?
Where is the camera?
And Bambi's not going to take any flak...
when she wears | this lovely camouflage flak vest.
Would you care to try it on, sir?
Handcuffs. Laverne, look, restraints.
Excuse me, miss. Pardon me, miss?
Excuse me.
-Pardon me-- | -Hooks.
Why don't you try this?
This works even better!
Out of my way.
So when you see him, go....
You know what I mean? Okay.
This is the guy, all right?
Thank you.
Hey, dork.
Don't miss the Latest | in police holds and grips.
They will be demonstrated | on five different mats.
We have experts demonstrating | techniques in...
judo, aikido, Taekwon-Do, | hapkido, and karate.
-Hey, Callahan. | -Nick.
Excellent technique.
-Is that Kate? | -Yeah.
-You didn't know she could do that? | -Didn't even know she was a cop.
Where is he?
-Cut the strap! | -Im trying.
Don't!
-Come on, just get the camera. | -Okay.
-Missed him again. | -Go round the wall.
With our next volunteer, | we will demonstrate the chokehold.
We take him down with a sweep down.
If he becomes aggressive...
we take his arm, turn him around...
into the stomach throw.
Next?
I accept your challenge.
Okay.
let's see what you got, Jonesey.
All right, you're on.
Very good.
Thank you.
Next.
Jones, look at that. It's a knife.
-Watch this! | -Did she say knife?
Brother, let me help you up.
Not bad for a beginner.
What a good sport. Next.
That's it for me, Lady.
Come on, don't be afraid.
-Make way. | -Here's a volunteer.
Commissioner, fabulous convention.
-Fabulous, sir. | -Good.
This is a great convention.
Next. I need a volunteer.
Thanks.
Upsy-daisy.
That's okay, Im all right.
-Thank you. | -Next.
An authoritative voice | is very important in crowd control.
Now, let's see how some of you people | do in this situation.
Officer, out here with me.
The crowd has just broken through | your police line.
Move them back.
Hell, no! We won't go!
-What's the matter. You think Ill hurt you? | -Yeah.
Just remember what I taught you, okay?
-Be gentle. | -Okay.
I guess I did that wrong.
I don't know. | This technique has its merits.
-Shall we try it again? | -Practice makes perfect.
Officer, your turn. Out here with me.
Hell, no! We won't go!
Excuse me. We need to keep it....
It would really help us a lot | if you'll just back up.
Back off, you turkeys!
Im a police officer, | and when I talk, you listen!
Now, get your butts the hell back there | before I really get mad!
And no back talk!
-We jump out of this. That's him? | -Yeah. Go out on the limb.
let's get him.
-Where'd he go? | -How come we haven't hit the ground yet?
Physics.
-Way to zing there, Officer. | -Very, very nice shooting, Officer.
Excellent shooting! Excellent!
Officer, you need to share those weapons | with the other officers.
No. I need these.
let me talk to him.
Ill get you some of your very own | just as soon as we get home.
-You promise? | -Cross my heart.
-Okay. | -Good.
-Thank you very much. | -Thank you.
Eugene, this one, too.
let's go.
Thank you. let's go, guys. Excuse me.
May I have an interview, please?
On three, two, one, guys. | Hello, and you are?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris | of the Metropolitan Police Department.
Only a captain? Cut. Out of here.
-He's a nobody. | -He looks like a waiter.
-Sir-- | -Not a word, Proctor.
All right. Okay.
Our 24 hours are almost gone.
We got to get that camera back now!
Why do we need five guys | to take a camera from one old man?
-Believe me, it ain't that easy. | -Yeah.
Boys, I want you to | try this one on for size.
let's just say | we happen to be passing by...
and the poor old guy happens to faint.
Mouse, Sugar, they happen to catch him. | They set him down on the ground.
Maybe they open his collar.
Maybe they slip that | nasty camera off his neck.
-That is a great plan, boss. | -Very good.
If the old man faints.
He'll faint.
Julio will make sure of that. | Go on, Julio, show them.
We'll give him a shot, | make him go night-night.
-That's a pretty good plan, boss. | -That's great.
-Come on, let's get out of here. | -All right.
Come on, Sugar.
We only have about | 10 more minutes of this.
-Lassard, congratulations! | -Thank you so much.
let me just.... Here you go.
Commissioner, could I get a picture...
of you congratulating Comdt. Lassard?
-Of course, certainly. Yes. | -Thank you.
Photo opportunity.
Stay.
Thank you.
Commandant, I just want to say hello | and congratulations.
We'll get him next time, boss. | We'll see to it. We'll get it.
It wasn't our fault.
Excuse me.
Would you just give me my damn camera?
-My camera? | -Give me my damn camera!
-What are those? | -Diamonds!
-You broke my camera. | -Diamonds!
All right! All right!
Nobody move, or the old man is history.
-Boss. | -What?
All right. I want to see hands in the air. | Everybody's hands up.
Now. Hands up!
Pick him up. | I want everybody where I can see them.
-Get the diamonds. | -I see.
The police procedure demonstration.
A kidnapping. How original.
-I am honored. | -Shut up, old man.
Yes, of course. Im sorry.
Now, we make for the elevator.
Anybody gets stupid, | he gets filled full of holes.
Police, freeze!
Cover me up top! let's go!
All right, release your hostage...
put your weapons on the ground, | and slowly put your hands in the air!
Well said! That's my nephew.
-Shut up, old man. | -Okay, mister, hands up!
Hi.
Nobody's gonna shoot. | Not while I got grandpa here.
-Now! | -Too Late!
Mouse, Sugar, get in the elevator!
-Nobody move! | -No, no. He's bluffing, right?
Smart boy. He was bluffing.
He was bluffing, boss.
All right! What floor?
What's the matter? | You got a problem with this floor?
I don't mean to interfere, | but the commissioners are all downstairs.
I would use the penthouse. | It's very defensible.
You're all welcome to use my suite. | Allow me.
What?
Here we are.
All right, Im ready.
Snap it up with those blueprints. | We don't have all day.
-Here you are, sir. | -Thank you.
Tackleberry, would you please | stop doing that?
Sorry, sir.
All right.
Now, they're gonna | give us anything we want.
So all we got to do is figure out | the fastest way to get to Dempsey's boat.
-Im thirsty, boss. | -You got any booze around here?
-Certainly. The bar's very Well-stocked. | -Thanks.
There might still be | some ice cream left in the freezer.
Thanks. You're really a good host.
You're very welcome.
Do you mind?
Some of us are trying to | plan our escape here.
Sorry, boss.
We are definitely gonna need | a boat at the harbor.
And we're definitely gonna need | a fast car at the hotel back entrance.
What?
With the roof so accessible, | you'd be a fool not to ask for a helicopter.
Helicopter? What a stupid idea!
No. He's right.
We'd be a sitting duck in that car. | The chopper is a great idea.
-We take the chopper to the harbor-- | -And?
Then we switch to the boat!
What? You don't like the boat?
-What? | -What?
I have to go to the little boys' room.
No, this is a kidnapping! | It's not a kindergarten!
Boss, he did think of the helicopter.
Yeah. Come on, boss.
All right, fine.
But make it quick. | Got a phone call to make here.
All right.
All we can do now | is wait untiI we hear their demands.
Im afraid you're right. | All we can do now is wait.
Would someone please wake Harris up?
He's thinking.
Here we go, come on. Open up. Big aah.
Would you please stop doing that?
Sorry, sir.
Incoming call for you, sir.
-Hello. | -All right. listen up.
I want a helicopter with pilot | on the roof of this hotel.
And?
And I want a fast boat | waiting for me in the harbor.
If all goes Well, I see no cops...
I hand the old man back to you | at the 12-mile mark off Key West...
as soon as we're safe | in internationaI waters.
We want some proof | that Lassard is still alive.
Your buddies want to talk to you.
-Hello? | -Comdt. Lassard?
Commissioner Hurst, | how nice of you to call.
I do hope that you do your best | to rescue me.
It'll only make the whole thing | all the more exciting.
Don't worry, Uncle Eric, | we'll get you out of this.
All right. He's alive. | How long, depends on you.
I think, in his own way, | Lassard is telling us...
that he'd rather risk his own life | than let those animaIs get away.
Brave man.
Sir. I realize that this is your jurisdiction...
but if there's going to be a rescue attempt, | we'd like to volunteer.
Commissioner Murdock, | I couldn't agree more.
I think it is vitaI that the rescue team | know Comdt. Lassard intimately.
I can vouch for the skill | of these police officers.
After all, I trained them myself.
It must be the drugs.
This is the floor | where Lassard is being held hostage.
-Capt. Harris? | -Yes?
All right, gentlemen. | This is what I want you to do.
And you will do it | exactly as I tell you to do it.
You've tuned to Larvell Jones | on the KWURST Radio.
And, now, the love Doctor. | I want you to come here, baby.
You and me, yeah. All the way.
Come on down. let's get down, baby, | because I need you. I love you.
That concludes our broadcast day.
How come I got the part with the steps?
I offered you the vent.
No.
let's go.
Nice, Kate. Watch this.
A woman's work is never done.
Come on.
That went off without a hitch.
Where is everybody?
I don't get it.
The chopper's here already.
It wasn't supposed to be here for an hour.
-Someone must have changed the plans. | -Yeah, Harris.
Your plan was brilliant, sir!
Thank you, Proctor.
By giving those incompetents | the diversionary part of this mission...
Ive left the reaI rescue | to the experienced officers...
namely, moi.
I will rescue Lassard, | and Ill get a promotion and a medal.
-Freeze! | -Freeze!
-We've got you covered. This is the police. | -Well done, Harris!
It was my pleasure, sir. | Now, everyone, drop your guns!
-Proctor, get down there and pick them up. | -Yes, sir.
No, Proctor, no. Use the Ladder. | The Ladder!
All right! Come on, give it to me.
That's right. Hands up, | or you've got one dead dork.
Nice twist. They're really going all out | this year, aren't they?
Get these guys to the chopper. | All right, Im going to my boat.
Tell your people, | I see one plane, one chopper, one boat...
before we reach our rendezvous, | these guys are shark bait. You got it?
-Where's Harris? | -They kidnapped him, too.
From now on, we do it our way.
We'll need some more information.
I don't know nothing.
I see. Ill tell you, partner...
don't tell me. Tell him.
The boss said to wait here | while he checked on the chopper.
Then you guys showed up, | and that's all I know!
I swear, I swear it.
Ill tell the others.
-Can I drop you somewhere? | -No!
-Im going down now. | -Okay, boss.
You concentrate. | Keep your hands on the wheel.
All right, boss.
All right. Im coming down.
That ended my first career.
Then, when I was 12 years old...
I got a job as a boxboy at the A&P.
That was a very, very exciting time for me.
I had many, many interesting experiences.
One day, as I was | stacking canned vegetables...
I think it was petit pois. | No, creamed corn...
or was it, maybe, succotash?
I can't quite remember.
Excuse me. Is there any possibility...
that I could be held hostage by myself?
Outside would be fine. | I don't mind the breeze.
What's the matter? | You're not enjoying yourself here?
Don't you worry your pretty little head. | You'll be out of misery in no time.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
My boss' boat is waiting for me.
As soon as we meet up with him, | Im gonna sink this baby...
with you in it.
You'll never get away with this, | you two-bit, fiIthy scum!
-What did he call me? | -Scum.
Perhaps you'd like to leave now. Mouse.
About that "fiIthy scum " comment....
Shut up, shark bait.
-Shark bait? | -Shut up.
What strategy.
Are you quite sure we didn't meet | at the Toronto Convention in '76?
You are one nutty old man.
Sug', how's it going?
We're getting pretty close, boss.
Boss, Mr. Dempsey should be | plenty proud of you.
You got the diamonds back. You did it.
Yeah.
I did it.
-Throw the line. | -Got it.
Mr. Dempsey, your merchandise, sir.
You're a good man, Tony.
Finish your business first. Then bring | the diamonds and let's get out of here.
Mr. Dempsey...
the dork, I don't mind, but the old man....
No witnesses.
-Don't disappoint me again. | -Yes, sir.
Shit.
Sorry, Mouse, he wouldn't go for it.
Excuse me. Could I say something?
Sure.
Don't kill me.
I won't tell on your gang. | I won't say a word. You can trust me.
Ill tell you what Im gonna do, | Ill shoot you second.
Thanks.
I just want to say that | this has been a splendid kidnapping.
Thank you. Thank you very much. | I really appreciate that.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart: | You have been one outstanding hostage.
My pleasure.
No, I mean it. Now, I got to kill you.
I understand.
Nothing personal. Just business.
What the hell is that?
Take care of them.
Out of my way, dirtbag!
Tony, you and Sugar | take the weenie for a hostage.
I got the old man. Come on!
This way, come on! Hurry up!
Get him! Take him out!
Now, which one of you guys | was resisting arrest?
-Not me. | -Me, either.
Come on, Tackleberry, | we need some help!
Up ahead, Hightower!
Keep it steady! Get ready to jump!
Okay, go!
-Are you okay? | -Yeah.
Where the hell have you been? | What took you so long?
I had to change clothes!
Where'd you get those | funny-looking clothes?
Wonderful!
Dispatch all units. Maintain your positions | until told otherwise.
Over that way. Steady. You got it.
Bombs away!
Here I come! Geronimo!
-Faster! | -Im going as fast as I can!
You're in trouble now. It's a dead end.
look out, old man!
Well done!
look out!
All right!
They probably think they got us!
I think we got them!
There's no way out.
-They think there's no way out! | -look out, here he comes.
-Well done! | -It's nothing.
let's get him!
-Capt. Harris. | -Sergeant.
I was locked in here during the fighting.
-Carry on. | -Yes, sir!
Move it. let's get these felons tied up | and into police custody.
Proctor! Where is Proctor?
Im coming, sir!
-Here I come! | -Proctor.
I did that. Im sorry, sir, my fault!
It didn't hurt. Didn't hurt.
Don't just stand there. Get me out of here!
Move it!
look out, gator!
That gator better watch out.
Roll him over, Hightower!
No!
All right!
Thank you.
Stay where you are. I still got the old man.
-Uncle Eric, are you all right? | -This is awesome!
It's the best procedure demonstration | in history!
Uncle Eric, those are reaI crooks.
In that case....
Nothing personal. Just business.
After capturing | the Mal-Ankh-Ee diamond thieves...
and bringing them to justice...
these officers have been cited | for medals of honor...
by the city of Miami.
In addition, one officer selflessly...
and at the risk of his life...
saved Captain Harris from certain death.
He is Sgt. Moses Hightower.
let them have their little moment. | We know who will have the Last Laugh.
Yes, we do, Comdt. Harris.
For his remarkable record...
this department is proud | to promote Sergeant Hightower...
to it. Hightower!
I think it is fitting that it. Hightower...
receive his bars from the very officer | whose life he saved:
Capt. Harris.
You dork.
Congratulations, Lt. Hightower!
It has been a great, great pleasure...
serving you as commandant | of this Academy.
I'll miss you all. FareWell.
Godspeed, and thank you.
Nothing could please me more | than what I am about to say.
The Governor and l | wish that Eric Lassard...
continue as commandant | of this Academy...
until such time as he sees fit | to retire himself.
Oh, no!
English