Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989) Movie Script
[MAN SINGING "TWELVE DAYS
OF CHRISTMAS"]
[CONTINUES SINGING]
Proctor, you've been singing
Christmas songs...
...for the entire five hours
of this stakeout.
Christmas is a good four months away.
If you sing so much as one more note...
...I will shoot you.
[HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS"]
Go ahead...
...make my Christmas.
Sir, can we call it a day?
I've got a very good tip
that the Wilson Heights Gang...
...is gonna rob the jewelry store
across the street.
I thought we might wait at least until
they showed up before we call it a day.
- Is that okay with you?
- Yes, sir.
I usually read the funnies
to my niece on Sunday.
HARRIS:
Don't you understand?
It took me a year to get transferred...
...away from Lassard
and his band of misfits.
Now that I've got my own precinct,
I'm not gonna let anyone screw with me.
It's my precinct.
I make the rules.
No one takes so much as a leak
without my say-so.
- I have a sixth sense.
PROCTOR: Sir...
HARRIS: Let me finish. I have a sixth...
- But, sir!
Would you let me finish?
I have a sixth sense
when it comes to crime...
PROCTOR: But, sir!
- Stop interrupting me!
I have got a sixth sense
when it comes to crime.
My instincts tell me this crime wave...
...is about to come to an abrupt end.
[SIRENS WAILING]
OFFICER 1:
Hey, you! Hold it!
OFFICER 2: Hold it!
OFFICER 3: Freeze!
OFFICER 4:
Captain Harris!
What are you doing here?
Well, we're on a stakeout.
What's all this about?
The Wilson Heights Gang struck again.
- Where?
- There, sir.
Right behind you.
OFFICER 5:
When did you get here, sir?
- Well, we...
- We've been here five hours.
- Shut up, Proctor.
- You were here during the robbery?
HARRIS: Of course not.
- Yes, we were, sir.
- They came a few minutes ago.
- Shut up.
- I tried to tell you.
- Shut up.
- Don't you remember? Inside the car.
- Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
Oh, gentlemen...
...you promised me you would have
this gang in custody two weeks ago!
Instead, they're making us look
like a bunch of... Uh...
Oh, the ones that are very funny.
The kings have them.
Bring me my f... Fools!
- Making us look like fools!
- Mr. Mayor, I...
- I can assure you...
- Save it.
People are afraid. They're taking
their business elsewhere.
The merchants are all over me.
Some very important...
The ones that...
Feathers are being ruffled here.
And now the governor is involved!
He wants this crime wave
stopped immediately.
And he is sending in a special team...
...to see that the crime wave is stopped.
Mr. Mayor, Your Honor...
I think what Captain Harris
is trying to say...
...is his department will appreciate...
...all the help it can get.
- Yes. Good. Thank you.
But due to the possibility of a leak
in Captain Harris' department...
...the governor chose a team
outside the precinct.
He feels sure that they will bring
these scoundrels to the...
You know, to the court thing.
Justice! Bring them to justice.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me.
Hello. Yeah.
Oh, send him in, yes.
Thank you, Midge.
Captain Harris, Commissioner Hurst...
...I'm sure you know
Commandant Lassard.
Thank you, Midge.
You... Let me make sure
I understand this.
You are going to be working with me.
Side by side.
I feel just the same.
We're very happy to have you with us,
Commandant Lassard.
I am sure, sure...
...that you will help us tree these swine.
Your Honor, I have just the men
for the job.
[GRUNTING]
[CHOKING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
[MEN GROANING]
Now, who wants to go one-on-one?
No.
Heads up, people!
WOMAN 1:
It's Brad. He's such a child.
- Hello.
- Nice seeing you again.
- You look lovely.
WOMAN 2: Thank you.
- Do call sometime, we'll have lunch.
WOMAN 3: I will.
- Hello, dear.
WOMAN 4: Hello.
- Hi, Mrs. Stanwyck.
- Hi, Jonesy.
Did you ever see such a bunch of stiffs?
WOMAN 5:
Elaine, exceptional event.
Watch this.
[MAKING SQUISHING SOUNDS]
[MAKING SQUEAKING SOUNDS]
[JONES MAKING
SCRATCHING SOUNDS]
MAN:
What on earth is he doing?
[MAKING SQUISHING SOUNDS]
[JONES IMITATING
ROCKET FIRING]
Thanks, pal.
That should get me
through the next hour.
MAN:
Excuse me.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm a police officer. It's my duty...
- Do you have any idea who I am?
- No, but I wanted to...
I'm Wendell P. Farnsworth.
My brother-in-law's a councilman, I'm a
personal friend of the watch commander.
So I suggest we forget all about
this little misunderstanding.
- Got me?
- But you were parked in a red zone.
- I have to give you a ticket...
- Let me make it clear to you, girl.
Now, get out of here...
...before I have you busted down...
...to crossing guard.
- All right.
- You told her.
You got to know how to handle peons,
you know what I mean?
What now?
- What's this?
- Citations for parking in a red zone...
...more than 18 inches from the curb,
blocking a fire hydrant...
...expired registration, no front plate,
littering, attempt to extort an officer...
...and willfully destroying
a court summons.
[WHISTLES]
Oh, no! My car!
You can pick it up at the police impound
after you pay for your citations, boy!
[CLATTERING]
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Dad.
Possible 211 in progress
in the living room.
- Shall we call for backup?
- No. We can handle it.
- Grandpa.
- Dad.
All I took is a lousy sandwich.
LASSARD: Good morning and welcome
to the Wilson Heights Division.
Now, let's get to work.
This gang has been one step
ahead of us.
Now, the governor feels that someone
in this department...
...may be leaking.
To guard against that possibility...
...only the people in this room
will know our plans.
Now, these boards...
...carry the only information we have...
...about these robberies.
We...
Captain Harris?
Commandant.
Thank you, Commandant Lassard.
Though we have dozens
of eyewitnesses...
...no one has been able to identify
any of these men from our mug books.
We can only assume therefore...
...they have no police records.
Three sets of unidentified fingerprints...
...have been found at each crime scene.
But running them through our records
has also drawn us a blank.
Whoever these perpetrators are,
they're pros.
But they have made one fatal mistake.
They chose...
...my precinct.
Yeah! Yeah! All right! All right!
HARRIS: Ten-hut!
HURST: Be seated.
- I've been briefing the men, sir.
- Thank you, Captain Harris.
Now, in the...
PROCTOR: Sir, are you okay?
- Get away!
HURST: In the absence of identifiable
fingerprints and photographs...
...we're gonna have to rely
on good old-fashioned police work.
Commandant, I thought you said
you had a seven-man team.
I do, commissioner.
- Morning.
- Ow!
- Hi, there.
WOMAN: Morning.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Nice day.
MAN: Morning.
- Hi.
It's good to be back.
[SCREAMING]
Gentlemen, you all know
Sergeant Fackler.
- Commissioner Hurst.
HURST: Hello there, sergeant.
Now that our team is complete...
...I know we shall soon
triumph over our enemies.
Hi. Laverne. Hightower.
- Hi, I'm Nick.
FACKLER: Hello.
How do you...?
Whoops!
Fackler, get a mop!
A mop.
MAN:
Evacuate!
Evacuate this room now!
This is not a good combination.
Fire in the hole.
Come on, come on. Let's go.
Hurry up.
Where you from originally?
Hm-mm.
You the president?
- You got the key for this?
- No.
Okay.
He lifted you out of your chair?
And across my desk,
and he carried me into the vault.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. He got away
with approximately $ 190,000.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, suggestions?
I suggest we canvass...
Canvass the entire area
with our modified police-artist sketches.
Who knows, we might get lucky.
- The word...
- Word on the street might help.
Listen to the stoolies,
maybe put a few men undercover.
Well, Commandant Lassard?
The word on the street...
...might give us a clue.
I think I just said that.
At his age, the memory comes and goes.
WOMAN:
Whoops!
Hey, Debbie, take a look at this.
Thank you, Douglas.
Well, at least they didn't get
all the money, huh?
They were too smart to take this.
It's an exploding dye pack.
It's activated when you take it out
of the bank.
If you remember anything else at all,
call Captain Harris.
- Sir...
- What are you doing there, sergeant?
Sir, I found money the gang dropped.
- Thought I'd take it to the commissioner.
- That's all right, I'll take it.
- I think a job...
- That will be all.
Alrighty.
- Proctor.
- Yes, sir.
Keep an eye on these people.
Commissioner.
[EXPLOSION]
- Yes, Captain Harris.
- It wasn't important.
[LAUGHING]
Nick. Thanks, Clarke.
I think we got something here.
Go ahead.
- The big guy...
PROCTOR: Hang on, captain!
Was breaking open
the safety-deposit boxes.
The man with the guns told him not to,
and then they argued.
Tell him what the guy said.
The big guy said, "Why not?"
The guy with the gun said, "Because
that's not what we're being paid for."
They're just hired help.
There must be somebody planning
the robberies.
Somebody behind the scenes.
A mastermind.
- Ace.
- Yeah.
Who do you think the boss really is?
I don't know, but whoever he is...
...he's certainly well-connected.
- Yeah.
We know what the cops will do
before they do.
- Ain't it something?
- Hey.
Check out Ox.
Ox, five minutes, your time's up.
You win the bet.
You gotta pay him.
I told you.
[MICROPHONE FEEDING BACK]
MAN:
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I am pleased to say...
...my plan is proceeding perfectly.
[LAUGHING]
Together, we have brought forth
a wave of crime...
...such as this city has never known.
Every mind is filled with dread.
Every fear bears our name.
Only a few more robberies...
...and all will be ripe
for Operation Chaos.
There will be panic, anarchy, destruction.
We shall bring this city to its knees.
Very funny. But we've talked
about this before, haven 't we?
Oh, yes.
Bring them up here.
Come on.
You can have them back
at the end of the crime wave.
With all due respect, Your Reverence...
...Lassard's people
are incompetent fools...
...who are going to screw up
this whole investigation.
I certainly appreciate
your difficulty, captain.
I mean, after all,
I want these swine captured...
...every bit as much as you do.
What can I do? My hands are...
The thing... Oh!
- With the ropes.
- Tied.
When I want your help, Captain Harris,
you may rest assured, I will ask for it.
After all, this is the governor's show,
isn't it? I mean, my hands are tied.
However...
...if you should find any evidence...
...proving that Lassard and his men...
...are hurting the investigation
in any way...
Choo-choo-choo-choo,
woo-woo.
...I would have no choice
but to go right to the governor...
...and have them removed from the case.
I wish you could run for a third term,
Your Honor.
- I would love to vote for you again.
- Ow.
- Me too.
- Thank you for that vote of confidence.
Now, I'm very busy this afternoon.
So if you don't mind...
...have a nice...
...thingy.
- And you too, Your Honor.
Don't you touch another thing.
Before we leave...
...please allow me the privilege
to congratulate you...
...on your fabulous collection
of model ships.
Ah. Thank you.
Built them all myself.
Of course, it's a labor of love.
Now, take that one you're holding now
in your hands.
I've spent a year on that little baby.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no!
I can fix it.
- Oh.
HARRIS: I've got the whole weekend.
I'm very good with wood.
It's okay.
Trust me.
Oh!
Commissioner Hurst is right.
We must start
with basic police investigation.
We shall circulate these sketches...
...by our very, very talented police artist.
We shall come up with many,
many leads.
[CRASHING]
[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?
[GRUNTS]
- Yes, Nick.
- Sir, we got a tip...
...that an office at the Union Towers
is being used by the mob.
I think sending two
undercover officers...
...to this location may give us the break
that'll crack this case wide open.
- Sergeant Jones and myself...
- I'll handle this assignment, sergeant.
I don't think an assignment like this
is appropriate for a man of your...
Nonsense, sergeant.
I was handling undercover cases
when you were still trick-or-treating.
We'll have Captain Harris
and Lieutenant Proctor...
...take the undercover assignment
at the Union Towers building.
- Undercover work is sure exciting.
- Shut up, Proctor.
Proctor, we're supposed to
be undercover.
I know, I was trying to throw them
off guard.
- Just wash the windows.
- Sir.
Thank you, sir.
MAN: I think we need to talk
about what The Gang is gonna do next.
Yeah. This next job is gonna be
the crucial one.
It's gonna be...
[LOUD SQUEAKING]
What are you doing?
Sir, if you don't squeegee these
windows properly, it leaves streaks.
- Squeegee over there.
- Oh.
[CARS HONKING, CRASHING]
Thank you, sergeant.
This used to be my boys' club.
Come on.
It really has changed.
Pardon the intrusion...
...but I have these police sketches
I'd appreciate you looking at.
Well, certainly, officer.
But first, why don't we shoot a couple
of friendly games while we talk, huh?
Splendid.
This always was a friendly neighborhood.
MAN 1: Come here, son.
- I'II...
Watch this. I'm gonna hustle this old fart
for everything he owns.
Do you mind if I ask you
a few questions?
- Let's shoot first.
- Okay.
Hold this.
Hold this.
MAN 2:
Hold this.
- I'm not good with sports, you know.
- Hey, sarge.
This is...
I'll try.
- I'll go first.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's okay if you guys are tired,
I'll shoot again. This is nice.
MAN 3:
Jeez.
LASSARD:
That'll do it.
What would you like to know?
RAPPER 1:
You know what I'm saying, B
OG
Screaming almost damaged my ears
The people running in fear
The hour to devour is near
Pandemonium, chaos, total destruction
Tragedy portrays an eerie seduction
Gunshots, fistfights, even knives
People getting hurt
Others losing their lives
No doubt about it
And you can 't deny it
What started as a quarrel
Turned into a riot
RAPPER 2:
Bodies laid out all over the ground
Blood spattered everywhere
People getting beat down
Inner city juvie going out with a bang
Hi, we're...
Could you tell us...?
Your beat kept me moving
From right to left
Your rap is, how you say, real def
But we need some help
And some information
About the gangs
In the Wilson Heights situation
What do you know?
She's a rapper and a cop
Man, everybody's rapping
Where will it stop
People give rap a whole lot of beef
But now old folks are rapping
Without no teeth
RAPPER 2: We're rapping about gangs
That go around banging
Robbing, stealing, shooting
Hanging on corners, polluting the nature
So give me your number
In case we get some information
- Word
- We believe you guys
We won 't dispute you
But if you're lying to us
We'll come back and shoot you
Word
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
These guys are gonna be big.
Yeah. So where's The Gang
living these days?
[YELLING]
Captain Harris?
Shit. Ah!
Oh, God!
I'll feed the poor! Oh, please, help me!
- Oh, please, help me! Mother!
PROCTOR: Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay, you can do it!
Thank you, Proctor! I'll never forget...
Don't worry about the pants!
Save yourself, sir!
HARRIS:
God, please don't let me die.
I'm so young. Please...
- God, I'll help the homeless!
I'll feed the poor.
Oh, I'll be so good.
I mean it. I really, really mean it!
Thank you for your contribution,
Captain Harris.
[RECORDING CONTINUES]
Please, don 't let me die!
I'm...
Well, it would seem...
...that all our old-fashioned police work
has netted us zip.
We don't know who these men are.
We don't know where they're going
to strike next.
- Yes, sergeant.
- Well, maybe we do, sir.
Maybe they'll strike
exactly where we want them to.
Right.
HURST: A trap is only as good
as the bait you use.
Red Leader to perimeter. Report.
Checkpoint One. Nothing here.
Well, hello there, little fellow.
Bet I got something for you.
All right. Here we go.
Look at this. See, I'm gonna get you
some good milk.
Here. There you go.
Let's just keep this
between me and you. Okay?
JONES: Checkpoint Two?
- Checkpoint Two. Negative.
Airport. I'm in a hurry.
Take the bus.
I don't wanna take the bus.
I wanna take your cab. Now, step on it.
You'll take the bus and like it.
Now, mister!
LAVERNE:
He took me to dinner, then to his place.
And we've been there all of two minutes
when he says:
"Oh, baby, you're so fine.
How about some wine?"
JONES: Checkpoint Five. Are you there?
- Can you believe...?
Just a minute, Di.
Checkpoint Five. All quiet here.
So then I look at him, and I say...
JONES:
What's happening, Checkpoint Three?
Checkpoint Three. Nothing unusual here.
JONES:
Checkpoint Four, report.
Checkpoint Four. Yeah, all clear.
Thank you for calling K-D-O-Z. K-Doz,
the station where nothing happens.
Come on, now, chin up.
I'm sure we'll get robbed any minute.
Promises, promises.
Right here, Proctor.
When this trap is sprung...
...right here is where the action will be.
And I will be right in the middle of it.
This is why I insisted
that I be given this assignment.
You sure know how
to throw your fat around, sir.
That's weight, Proctor.
- Weight.
- Oh, weight.
[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
- What's that?
- I don't know, sir.
They're out there, Proctor. I feel it.
They'll attack this truck,
our men will move in...
...and I will personally put an end
to the Wilson Heights Gang.
It's quite simple, really.
- Do you think we'll get commendations?
- Medals?
They'll give me the key to the city.
First, I'll address the city
on the 6:00 news.
"The city is safe. It was my privilege
to serve you," et cetera.
- Sir.
- I think maybe a parade is in order.
- Sir.
- I'll be the grand marshal, of course.
I'll have to face all the talk-show offers.
- Sir!
- What is it, Proctor?
Help! Pull me up!
Help! No! No!
Halt! Halt!
- Halt! Halt!
HARRIS: Help!
They can't hear me, sir.
Sir, running really is the best form
of aerobic exercise.
Is it bad?
They knew. They knew all about it.
Somebody had to tip them off.
- But only our team knew about the plan.
- No, Uncle Eric...
...the leak is not in the precinct.
It's one of us.
LASSARD: Well, it seemed like
a good plan at the time.
HARRIS:
Oh, yes, yes. A fine plan.
We lose a priceless diamond...
...the Wilson Heights Gang
pulls the crime of the century...
...and we look like a bunch of jerks
because we practically invited them.
Do us a favor, Sergeant Lassard.
The next time you have a brilliant idea...
...please, keep it to yourself.
Asshole!
HURST: But now, Captain Harris,
if you'll take a seat.
Perhaps a different seat.
We've got to stop feeling sorry
for ourselves.
Now, so far...
...this gang seems to be confining
its robberies to our precinct.
- You got something, Nick?
- No, no. I'm just taking some notes.
Captain Harris, the mayor wants
to see you as soon as possible.
The mayor would like to see me.
HURST:
Well, don't keep him waiting.
If you'll excuse me.
Proctor!
I want a complete report
on this sprinkler system.
- Sprinklers?
- Sprinklers.
Good afternoon. How are you?
So nice to see you. Hello. Hello.
Welcome to America. A great country.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Seven?
Harris. Don't bother to rise.
A whole lot of glue,
but not an ounce of love.
Have any progress to report,
Captain Harris?
Well, actually, I'm afraid not, sir.
We're at a bit of a standstill.
We are re-questioning all the witnesses,
but that, of course, is basic procedure.
This is not what I want to hear,
Captain Harris.
I wanna hear that these crooks
have been...
- The thing when you put the cuffs on...
- Caught!
- Caught. That's exactly right. Caught.
- I'm trying, sir. I really am.
But it's not easy with Lassard
and his men slowing me down.
Yes, that business with the armored car.
That was a mess.
Do you have any other complaints
against them at all?
Not yet, Your Eminence.
But I know Lassard and his nephew
are up to something.
- And I am going to find out what!
- What?
- That's what I'm going to find out.
- All right, let's get cracking!
- Yes, sir!
- Let's get this case moving!
- Yes, sir!
- Go!
Yes, sir!
Midge, find out why Harris
has got a chair on his ass.
Whoo!
Come on, Nick,
we've been here since noon.
- You haven't told us what we're doing.
- Look, you guys just have to trust me.
- May I help you, sir?
- I got my eye on that necklace there.
It is beautiful. Shall I show it to you?
No, thank you. I'll get it myself.
All right, all right, all right. Stay calm.
Sorry about the mess.
Okay, now,
where do you hide your safe?
- Call me when you're ready.
- Back room, behind the painting.
Thank you.
[SCREAMING]
Thank you.
We'll just be a minute.
- Excuse me, coming through.
MAN 1: I don't know them.
- How'd you know?
- I don't get it yet...
...but for some reason, the robberies
follow the old 51 bus route.
MAN 2: Get back here!
- Criminals, ho!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, crapola.
Let's go, Proctor!
Freeze! Freeze!
You're under arrest! Hands up!
Harris, you're in the line of fire.
Get out of the way!
Sure, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Well, let me tell you something,
Sergeant Lassard.
I happen to be captain of this precinct,
and I am perfectly...
Let's go, Proctor!
ACE:
Yeehaw!
- All units, attention. Robbery in progress.
- I hurt my hand. Let's go! Go!
That was very exciting, wasn't it?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- He shoots.
- Air ball.
MAN:
As I was saying...
...I wanted to praise the cunning
and skill you showed...
...in evading almost certain capture.
What happened there?
That fool Lassard and his team
are getting too close.
You want we should
take care of them?
No. Leave them to me.
- Yuck!
WOMAN: Watch it, it's Fackler.
MAN:
Watch it!
- Thought we weren't meeting till later.
- Hurst called a special meeting.
- For what?
- Makes me nervous. Harris is too happy.
You're probably jumping to conclusions.
[WHISTLING]
- I could be wrong.
- Officers, be seated.
This is not going to be pleasant,
so we'll get right to the point.
From the beginning, we've suspected
that there was a leak in this precinct.
This morning,
acting on an anonymous tip...
...Captain Harris and I personally
searched one of your offices.
I'm afraid we found
what we were looking for.
This jewelry has been identified
as stolen merchandise...
...from the Wilson Heights Gang's
last robbery.
The office belonged
to Commandant Eric Lassard.
To tell the truth, we were shocked.
You're shocked?
We have no choice but to suspend
Commandant Lassard and his team...
...from active duty,
pending an investigation...
An investigation.
Yes.
Good day, gentlemen.
Excuse me. And of course, lady.
Ladies, two of them.
And good day to you, Your Excellency.
You are all dismissed.
We're just gonna sit here
and do nothing?
What can we do? We're suspended.
To pursue this case
would be disobeying a direct order.
- We can lose our jobs.
DEBBIE: Wait a minute.
A man's being falsely accused here.
Doesn't that count for anything?
She's right. We've got to clear
Commandant Lassard.
- No one else can.
- He's the reason we have these jobs.
He'd do the same for us.
You're right. Let's go.
[WHISTLING]
HIGHTOWER:
So, what are we looking for?
I don't know, some connection.
Why are these robberies taking place
along the old number 51 bus route?
What's so special about that route?
- Shall I bring it up on the screen?
- Yeah, let's take a look at it.
Oops. Wrong file.
These are the intercity Railink plans.
They must have moved the old
bus routes to a different file.
No, no, no. Wait a minute.
Maybe this isn't the wrong file.
I'll tell you what, try cross-referencing
the old bus route...
...against the proposed Railink system
and see what you come up with.
Okay.
It matches perfectly.
Yes, but why is the Wilson Heights Gang
robbing stores along the Railink?
What happens when a section of town
becomes a high-crime area?
- The property is devalued.
- Right.
Why would somebody want
to devalue the property?
- So they can buy it.
NICK: Exactly.
The property along the Railink system
is very valuable.
Now, whoever owns that property
is gonna be very, very rich.
Find out if anyone's buying property
along that route.
I'm way ahead of you.
MAN:
Good evening, gentlemen.
Tonight our devious plan
becomes a fearful reality.
All that remains is for me
to give my final command.
Begin Operation Chaos.
You boys are awfully quiet tonight.
Oh, well, sir, this is probably going
to be our last official meeting with you.
We wanted you to know
what a privilege it's been for us...
...to work with a criminal genius
such as yourself.
As a matter of fact, we got you...
...a pathetic little something here
to express our admiration...
...our respect, sir, and our...
Just put it in the drawer, boy.
It's Cuban.
I thank you. I'm touched.
Why, this is the perfect way...
...for me to celebrate
this victorious moment.
Funny. Very funny.
It's no good.
I don't know the code word.
- The computer won't let me get the file.
NICK: We're so close.
We've gotta do something.
Yes, sir.
Hey, brother,
you really are computer friendly.
NICK:
Okay. "Clayton Plating."
Ah-ha! Radio-controlled detonators.
Dynamite.
DEBBIE:
Douglas.
- Oh, no.
- What, another robbery?
No, it's worse.
They've got the blueprints
and the firepower to shut the city down.
Party Guys to Birthday Boy.
The candles are lit.
Make a wish.
[CARS HONKING]
[FACKLER BLOWING WHISTLE]
Come on. Come on. Come on.
WOMAN: Make up your mind.
I'm out of here!
What are you doing?
[DRIVERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
We better check this out.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please just calm down.
There's no need to be alarmed.
Just take your seats.
[IMITATING DRUM ROLL,
CYMBAL CRASH]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Metropolitan
Police Department proudly presents me.
IMITATING DONALD DUCK:
Ow!
IN NORMAL VOICE: Sorry, Donald.
IMITATING DONALD DUCK: Ah, phooey!
- Okay, come on.
- There you go.
- Hey, here comes a portable.
- Yeah, right.
MAN:
Yeah, give me that one.
Yeah.
Nice night, isn't it, officers?
IMITATING WOLFMAN JACK:
Hey, baby.
Rock 'n' roll is the answer, baby.
Because I know what you need.
Because I'm gonna give you
what you need.
[IMITATING S YNTHESIZER]
[IMITATING DRUM MACHING]
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
Great.
[IMITATING JIMI HENDRIX]
Thank you very much. Good night.
Come on, Nick, let's go.
Officers need assistance.
The batteries are dead.
You better go on foot. Now.
Hey, baby.
Why don't you just put that gun away.
Maybe we can have ourselves
a little party.
Okay.
Who wants to go first?
Looks like she doesn't need us.
SWAT OFFICER 1: She's good.
SWAT OFFICER 2: All right.
DEBBIE:
My...
What a big gun.
OX:
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, crapola!
He can be such a baby.
This is Sergeant Lassard, requesting
all available units to Galena and Main.
Galena and Main.
HIGHTOWER:
Over here.
- What's up?
- The Wilson Heights Gang is down there.
[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]
- What's the situation?
- The gang is getting away.
So, what are we waiting for?
[CAT YOWLING]
I'll just get a few things from my cycle.
Tack, you ready?
- I'm ready.
- Let's go kick some butt.
- Let's check it out.
- All right, be careful.
I'm gonna see where this tunnel goes.
Look who's here.
Here one minute, gone the next.
How about you?
I just thought I'd keep you company.
You into heavy metal?
[CLATTERING]
Now I'm mad.
[CAT HISSING]
TACK:
Sorry.
You're under arrest!
Throw down your weapon
and come out with your hands up!
I take that as a "no."
Ha! You're weakening. I'm stronger.
No, it's your breath.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boo who?
Quit crying.
This will be over in a moment.
- That's it!
- Huh?
Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes
is where I draw the line.
[DOG BARKING]
[IMITATING OVERDUBBED
KUNG FU MOVIE]
This time it's you and me.
Leave the dog out of it.
Okay, let's see what you got.
All right.
Airline pilot, huh?
All right, let's finish it.
Damn you!
[IMITATING ROBOT]
What the hell are you made of?
Target: Human.
Mission: Destroy.
My God, you're a robot!
"My God, you're a robot!
My God, you're a robot!"
- Please, don't kill me!
- "Please, don't kill me!"
"Please, don't kill me!"
Rest now, human.
Furlinger Magnum Special.
Hey, you're pretty good.
I'm the best.
Cute.
You know, this has been a lot of fun,
but I have to place you under arrest.
You wouldn't shoot...
...an unarmed man, would you?
MAN:
Welcome, Sergeant Lassard.
- So you know me.
- Oh, yes, indeed.
Whatever you're paying your informer,
it's not enough.
Your cohorts are causing me
very great annoyance.
As we speak, my associates
are finishing off your friends.
And now I'm going to finish you.
Poison gas?
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Yes, melodramatic, I know,
but effective.
Goodbye, Sergeant Lassard,
and take care.
[NICK COUGHING]
That's a nasty little cough you have.
That's not gonna do it.
Help!
Help!
You okay?
As you were, sergeant.
Thanks.
Now, where's Mr. Big?
We better split up.
Oh!
Man...
Come on.
You got anything?
I think we lost him.
I think we found him.
HIGHTOWER OVER RADIO:
The perpetrator's attempting escape...
...west on Foundry.
Sir, Lieutenant Hightower's chasing
the perpetrator our way!
HARRIS: Well, what are you waiting for?
Let's get out of here!
HIGHTOWER OVER RADIO:
Repeat: West on Foundry Street.
I am pursuing in a commandeered
civilian vehicle.
Tack!
Tack! Jones!
I got him! He's in the truck!
Come on!
Anybody know how
to drive one of these?
Affirmative, sir!
We took one on our honeymoon.
Y'all hang tight.
Paddy wagon will be by in a minute.
See y'all later.
Yeehaw!
Yeehaw!
HARRIS:
I don't see anything, Proctor.
Well, this is Foundry Street.
I heard Hightower on the radio.
You must have been mistaken,
because there is nothing going on here.
[SCREAMING]
I do not believe it!
Shoot. Don't say it, Proctor!
Just don't say it.
- Told him so.
- I heard that!
MAN: I don't care where it's going.
I'm getting on.
- What are you doing?
- I'm picking up passengers.
Why?
Well, I have to, sir.
They're on my route.
Let's go! Move it, move it, move it!
Let's move! Go! Go! Go!
Sit down! Let's go!
You know what you're doing?
Relax, I do this all the time.
Look out!
Welcome aboard, cowboy!
- Woo-hoo!
- Whoo!
He had a lot of trouble with that landing.
I'll give it a nine.
HARRIS: Look out for Gene & Roger's
Fruit Stand!
MAN:
Get out of here, you maniac!
- Have a nice evening, sir.
- Yeah, sure.
You're much better
than the regular driver.
"You're much better
than the regular driver."
- There go the lights.
HIGHTOWER: All right! Let's go!
What are you doing here?
Well...
...we chased the mastermind
into this office, sir.
Well, he isn't here.
So get out there and find him!
Yes, sir.
What are you doing here?
That man is an imposter!
Me?
No, he's the imposter!
Okay, make way! Make way here!
Move it, move it! Commissioner Hurst...
...they have violated their suspensions.
I demand they be brought up on charges!
- Oh, Harris, shut up!
- Oh, shut up, Harris!
Well, one of these guys
is the mastermind.
But which one?
There's only one sure way to find out,
and that's the Pinocchio test.
That was it. Sorry, commissioner.
Whoo!
Hello, guys and gals!
Oh, boy. I wish I had a picture
of your stupid faces.
Mr. Mayor!
Hello, Harris, you stupid twit!
Thank you for all the info when you were
trying to catch me. I found it so useful.
Woo-hoo!
Harris was the leak?
I didn't know!
I mean, he was the mayor. I mean...
- How was I supposed to know?
- Why?
For money, sir.
He knew property along the
Railink route would be very valuable.
So he had his gang set up a crime wave
to devalue the property...
...so he could buy it up, cheap.
With the damage that blackout caused,
well, he was gonna own it all.
He'd just sit back,
stop the crime wave...
...retire from public service
and watch his property skyrocket.
You mean this was all
just a real-estate scam?
A billion-dollar real-estate scam, sir.
Hee!
Take him away.
Take me away? Oh, how rude!
How rude! Whoo!
Take yourselves away. Try that!
As a matter of fact, you're all fired.
Each and every one of you is fired. Fired!
And don't you touch my model ships!
Not one of you!
Don't touch them!
The little men are so delicate.
They'll crumble
between your big, fat fingers!
Your big cop fingers!
Eric, I owe you and the team an apology.
I've been a fool.
Yes.
But that's all right, commissioner.
Consider yourself
and your team reinstated.
All right!
MAN: And so it is with great honor
that I award these men and women...
...the Distinguished Service Medal
for serving this city in its hour of need.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our honored police officers.
[PLAYING BAND MUSIC]
I think I'll take your seat, lieutenant.
You take mine.
Yes, sir.
Unless there's some problem.
Nope. No problem.
Oh...
Proctor.
Oh, Proctor.
Proctor!
Proctor!
OF CHRISTMAS"]
[CONTINUES SINGING]
Proctor, you've been singing
Christmas songs...
...for the entire five hours
of this stakeout.
Christmas is a good four months away.
If you sing so much as one more note...
...I will shoot you.
[HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS"]
Go ahead...
...make my Christmas.
Sir, can we call it a day?
I've got a very good tip
that the Wilson Heights Gang...
...is gonna rob the jewelry store
across the street.
I thought we might wait at least until
they showed up before we call it a day.
- Is that okay with you?
- Yes, sir.
I usually read the funnies
to my niece on Sunday.
HARRIS:
Don't you understand?
It took me a year to get transferred...
...away from Lassard
and his band of misfits.
Now that I've got my own precinct,
I'm not gonna let anyone screw with me.
It's my precinct.
I make the rules.
No one takes so much as a leak
without my say-so.
- I have a sixth sense.
PROCTOR: Sir...
HARRIS: Let me finish. I have a sixth...
- But, sir!
Would you let me finish?
I have a sixth sense
when it comes to crime...
PROCTOR: But, sir!
- Stop interrupting me!
I have got a sixth sense
when it comes to crime.
My instincts tell me this crime wave...
...is about to come to an abrupt end.
[SIRENS WAILING]
OFFICER 1:
Hey, you! Hold it!
OFFICER 2: Hold it!
OFFICER 3: Freeze!
OFFICER 4:
Captain Harris!
What are you doing here?
Well, we're on a stakeout.
What's all this about?
The Wilson Heights Gang struck again.
- Where?
- There, sir.
Right behind you.
OFFICER 5:
When did you get here, sir?
- Well, we...
- We've been here five hours.
- Shut up, Proctor.
- You were here during the robbery?
HARRIS: Of course not.
- Yes, we were, sir.
- They came a few minutes ago.
- Shut up.
- I tried to tell you.
- Shut up.
- Don't you remember? Inside the car.
- Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
Oh, gentlemen...
...you promised me you would have
this gang in custody two weeks ago!
Instead, they're making us look
like a bunch of... Uh...
Oh, the ones that are very funny.
The kings have them.
Bring me my f... Fools!
- Making us look like fools!
- Mr. Mayor, I...
- I can assure you...
- Save it.
People are afraid. They're taking
their business elsewhere.
The merchants are all over me.
Some very important...
The ones that...
Feathers are being ruffled here.
And now the governor is involved!
He wants this crime wave
stopped immediately.
And he is sending in a special team...
...to see that the crime wave is stopped.
Mr. Mayor, Your Honor...
I think what Captain Harris
is trying to say...
...is his department will appreciate...
...all the help it can get.
- Yes. Good. Thank you.
But due to the possibility of a leak
in Captain Harris' department...
...the governor chose a team
outside the precinct.
He feels sure that they will bring
these scoundrels to the...
You know, to the court thing.
Justice! Bring them to justice.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me.
Hello. Yeah.
Oh, send him in, yes.
Thank you, Midge.
Captain Harris, Commissioner Hurst...
...I'm sure you know
Commandant Lassard.
Thank you, Midge.
You... Let me make sure
I understand this.
You are going to be working with me.
Side by side.
I feel just the same.
We're very happy to have you with us,
Commandant Lassard.
I am sure, sure...
...that you will help us tree these swine.
Your Honor, I have just the men
for the job.
[GRUNTING]
[CHOKING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
[MEN GROANING]
Now, who wants to go one-on-one?
No.
Heads up, people!
WOMAN 1:
It's Brad. He's such a child.
- Hello.
- Nice seeing you again.
- You look lovely.
WOMAN 2: Thank you.
- Do call sometime, we'll have lunch.
WOMAN 3: I will.
- Hello, dear.
WOMAN 4: Hello.
- Hi, Mrs. Stanwyck.
- Hi, Jonesy.
Did you ever see such a bunch of stiffs?
WOMAN 5:
Elaine, exceptional event.
Watch this.
[MAKING SQUISHING SOUNDS]
[MAKING SQUEAKING SOUNDS]
[JONES MAKING
SCRATCHING SOUNDS]
MAN:
What on earth is he doing?
[MAKING SQUISHING SOUNDS]
[JONES IMITATING
ROCKET FIRING]
Thanks, pal.
That should get me
through the next hour.
MAN:
Excuse me.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm a police officer. It's my duty...
- Do you have any idea who I am?
- No, but I wanted to...
I'm Wendell P. Farnsworth.
My brother-in-law's a councilman, I'm a
personal friend of the watch commander.
So I suggest we forget all about
this little misunderstanding.
- Got me?
- But you were parked in a red zone.
- I have to give you a ticket...
- Let me make it clear to you, girl.
Now, get out of here...
...before I have you busted down...
...to crossing guard.
- All right.
- You told her.
You got to know how to handle peons,
you know what I mean?
What now?
- What's this?
- Citations for parking in a red zone...
...more than 18 inches from the curb,
blocking a fire hydrant...
...expired registration, no front plate,
littering, attempt to extort an officer...
...and willfully destroying
a court summons.
[WHISTLES]
Oh, no! My car!
You can pick it up at the police impound
after you pay for your citations, boy!
[CLATTERING]
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Dad.
Possible 211 in progress
in the living room.
- Shall we call for backup?
- No. We can handle it.
- Grandpa.
- Dad.
All I took is a lousy sandwich.
LASSARD: Good morning and welcome
to the Wilson Heights Division.
Now, let's get to work.
This gang has been one step
ahead of us.
Now, the governor feels that someone
in this department...
...may be leaking.
To guard against that possibility...
...only the people in this room
will know our plans.
Now, these boards...
...carry the only information we have...
...about these robberies.
We...
Captain Harris?
Commandant.
Thank you, Commandant Lassard.
Though we have dozens
of eyewitnesses...
...no one has been able to identify
any of these men from our mug books.
We can only assume therefore...
...they have no police records.
Three sets of unidentified fingerprints...
...have been found at each crime scene.
But running them through our records
has also drawn us a blank.
Whoever these perpetrators are,
they're pros.
But they have made one fatal mistake.
They chose...
...my precinct.
Yeah! Yeah! All right! All right!
HARRIS: Ten-hut!
HURST: Be seated.
- I've been briefing the men, sir.
- Thank you, Captain Harris.
Now, in the...
PROCTOR: Sir, are you okay?
- Get away!
HURST: In the absence of identifiable
fingerprints and photographs...
...we're gonna have to rely
on good old-fashioned police work.
Commandant, I thought you said
you had a seven-man team.
I do, commissioner.
- Morning.
- Ow!
- Hi, there.
WOMAN: Morning.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Nice day.
MAN: Morning.
- Hi.
It's good to be back.
[SCREAMING]
Gentlemen, you all know
Sergeant Fackler.
- Commissioner Hurst.
HURST: Hello there, sergeant.
Now that our team is complete...
...I know we shall soon
triumph over our enemies.
Hi. Laverne. Hightower.
- Hi, I'm Nick.
FACKLER: Hello.
How do you...?
Whoops!
Fackler, get a mop!
A mop.
MAN:
Evacuate!
Evacuate this room now!
This is not a good combination.
Fire in the hole.
Come on, come on. Let's go.
Hurry up.
Where you from originally?
Hm-mm.
You the president?
- You got the key for this?
- No.
Okay.
He lifted you out of your chair?
And across my desk,
and he carried me into the vault.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. He got away
with approximately $ 190,000.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, suggestions?
I suggest we canvass...
Canvass the entire area
with our modified police-artist sketches.
Who knows, we might get lucky.
- The word...
- Word on the street might help.
Listen to the stoolies,
maybe put a few men undercover.
Well, Commandant Lassard?
The word on the street...
...might give us a clue.
I think I just said that.
At his age, the memory comes and goes.
WOMAN:
Whoops!
Hey, Debbie, take a look at this.
Thank you, Douglas.
Well, at least they didn't get
all the money, huh?
They were too smart to take this.
It's an exploding dye pack.
It's activated when you take it out
of the bank.
If you remember anything else at all,
call Captain Harris.
- Sir...
- What are you doing there, sergeant?
Sir, I found money the gang dropped.
- Thought I'd take it to the commissioner.
- That's all right, I'll take it.
- I think a job...
- That will be all.
Alrighty.
- Proctor.
- Yes, sir.
Keep an eye on these people.
Commissioner.
[EXPLOSION]
- Yes, Captain Harris.
- It wasn't important.
[LAUGHING]
Nick. Thanks, Clarke.
I think we got something here.
Go ahead.
- The big guy...
PROCTOR: Hang on, captain!
Was breaking open
the safety-deposit boxes.
The man with the guns told him not to,
and then they argued.
Tell him what the guy said.
The big guy said, "Why not?"
The guy with the gun said, "Because
that's not what we're being paid for."
They're just hired help.
There must be somebody planning
the robberies.
Somebody behind the scenes.
A mastermind.
- Ace.
- Yeah.
Who do you think the boss really is?
I don't know, but whoever he is...
...he's certainly well-connected.
- Yeah.
We know what the cops will do
before they do.
- Ain't it something?
- Hey.
Check out Ox.
Ox, five minutes, your time's up.
You win the bet.
You gotta pay him.
I told you.
[MICROPHONE FEEDING BACK]
MAN:
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I am pleased to say...
...my plan is proceeding perfectly.
[LAUGHING]
Together, we have brought forth
a wave of crime...
...such as this city has never known.
Every mind is filled with dread.
Every fear bears our name.
Only a few more robberies...
...and all will be ripe
for Operation Chaos.
There will be panic, anarchy, destruction.
We shall bring this city to its knees.
Very funny. But we've talked
about this before, haven 't we?
Oh, yes.
Bring them up here.
Come on.
You can have them back
at the end of the crime wave.
With all due respect, Your Reverence...
...Lassard's people
are incompetent fools...
...who are going to screw up
this whole investigation.
I certainly appreciate
your difficulty, captain.
I mean, after all,
I want these swine captured...
...every bit as much as you do.
What can I do? My hands are...
The thing... Oh!
- With the ropes.
- Tied.
When I want your help, Captain Harris,
you may rest assured, I will ask for it.
After all, this is the governor's show,
isn't it? I mean, my hands are tied.
However...
...if you should find any evidence...
...proving that Lassard and his men...
...are hurting the investigation
in any way...
Choo-choo-choo-choo,
woo-woo.
...I would have no choice
but to go right to the governor...
...and have them removed from the case.
I wish you could run for a third term,
Your Honor.
- I would love to vote for you again.
- Ow.
- Me too.
- Thank you for that vote of confidence.
Now, I'm very busy this afternoon.
So if you don't mind...
...have a nice...
...thingy.
- And you too, Your Honor.
Don't you touch another thing.
Before we leave...
...please allow me the privilege
to congratulate you...
...on your fabulous collection
of model ships.
Ah. Thank you.
Built them all myself.
Of course, it's a labor of love.
Now, take that one you're holding now
in your hands.
I've spent a year on that little baby.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no!
I can fix it.
- Oh.
HARRIS: I've got the whole weekend.
I'm very good with wood.
It's okay.
Trust me.
Oh!
Commissioner Hurst is right.
We must start
with basic police investigation.
We shall circulate these sketches...
...by our very, very talented police artist.
We shall come up with many,
many leads.
[CRASHING]
[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?
[GRUNTS]
- Yes, Nick.
- Sir, we got a tip...
...that an office at the Union Towers
is being used by the mob.
I think sending two
undercover officers...
...to this location may give us the break
that'll crack this case wide open.
- Sergeant Jones and myself...
- I'll handle this assignment, sergeant.
I don't think an assignment like this
is appropriate for a man of your...
Nonsense, sergeant.
I was handling undercover cases
when you were still trick-or-treating.
We'll have Captain Harris
and Lieutenant Proctor...
...take the undercover assignment
at the Union Towers building.
- Undercover work is sure exciting.
- Shut up, Proctor.
Proctor, we're supposed to
be undercover.
I know, I was trying to throw them
off guard.
- Just wash the windows.
- Sir.
Thank you, sir.
MAN: I think we need to talk
about what The Gang is gonna do next.
Yeah. This next job is gonna be
the crucial one.
It's gonna be...
[LOUD SQUEAKING]
What are you doing?
Sir, if you don't squeegee these
windows properly, it leaves streaks.
- Squeegee over there.
- Oh.
[CARS HONKING, CRASHING]
Thank you, sergeant.
This used to be my boys' club.
Come on.
It really has changed.
Pardon the intrusion...
...but I have these police sketches
I'd appreciate you looking at.
Well, certainly, officer.
But first, why don't we shoot a couple
of friendly games while we talk, huh?
Splendid.
This always was a friendly neighborhood.
MAN 1: Come here, son.
- I'II...
Watch this. I'm gonna hustle this old fart
for everything he owns.
Do you mind if I ask you
a few questions?
- Let's shoot first.
- Okay.
Hold this.
Hold this.
MAN 2:
Hold this.
- I'm not good with sports, you know.
- Hey, sarge.
This is...
I'll try.
- I'll go first.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's okay if you guys are tired,
I'll shoot again. This is nice.
MAN 3:
Jeez.
LASSARD:
That'll do it.
What would you like to know?
RAPPER 1:
You know what I'm saying, B
OG
Screaming almost damaged my ears
The people running in fear
The hour to devour is near
Pandemonium, chaos, total destruction
Tragedy portrays an eerie seduction
Gunshots, fistfights, even knives
People getting hurt
Others losing their lives
No doubt about it
And you can 't deny it
What started as a quarrel
Turned into a riot
RAPPER 2:
Bodies laid out all over the ground
Blood spattered everywhere
People getting beat down
Inner city juvie going out with a bang
Hi, we're...
Could you tell us...?
Your beat kept me moving
From right to left
Your rap is, how you say, real def
But we need some help
And some information
About the gangs
In the Wilson Heights situation
What do you know?
She's a rapper and a cop
Man, everybody's rapping
Where will it stop
People give rap a whole lot of beef
But now old folks are rapping
Without no teeth
RAPPER 2: We're rapping about gangs
That go around banging
Robbing, stealing, shooting
Hanging on corners, polluting the nature
So give me your number
In case we get some information
- Word
- We believe you guys
We won 't dispute you
But if you're lying to us
We'll come back and shoot you
Word
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
These guys are gonna be big.
Yeah. So where's The Gang
living these days?
[YELLING]
Captain Harris?
Shit. Ah!
Oh, God!
I'll feed the poor! Oh, please, help me!
- Oh, please, help me! Mother!
PROCTOR: Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay, you can do it!
Thank you, Proctor! I'll never forget...
Don't worry about the pants!
Save yourself, sir!
HARRIS:
God, please don't let me die.
I'm so young. Please...
- God, I'll help the homeless!
I'll feed the poor.
Oh, I'll be so good.
I mean it. I really, really mean it!
Thank you for your contribution,
Captain Harris.
[RECORDING CONTINUES]
Please, don 't let me die!
I'm...
Well, it would seem...
...that all our old-fashioned police work
has netted us zip.
We don't know who these men are.
We don't know where they're going
to strike next.
- Yes, sergeant.
- Well, maybe we do, sir.
Maybe they'll strike
exactly where we want them to.
Right.
HURST: A trap is only as good
as the bait you use.
Red Leader to perimeter. Report.
Checkpoint One. Nothing here.
Well, hello there, little fellow.
Bet I got something for you.
All right. Here we go.
Look at this. See, I'm gonna get you
some good milk.
Here. There you go.
Let's just keep this
between me and you. Okay?
JONES: Checkpoint Two?
- Checkpoint Two. Negative.
Airport. I'm in a hurry.
Take the bus.
I don't wanna take the bus.
I wanna take your cab. Now, step on it.
You'll take the bus and like it.
Now, mister!
LAVERNE:
He took me to dinner, then to his place.
And we've been there all of two minutes
when he says:
"Oh, baby, you're so fine.
How about some wine?"
JONES: Checkpoint Five. Are you there?
- Can you believe...?
Just a minute, Di.
Checkpoint Five. All quiet here.
So then I look at him, and I say...
JONES:
What's happening, Checkpoint Three?
Checkpoint Three. Nothing unusual here.
JONES:
Checkpoint Four, report.
Checkpoint Four. Yeah, all clear.
Thank you for calling K-D-O-Z. K-Doz,
the station where nothing happens.
Come on, now, chin up.
I'm sure we'll get robbed any minute.
Promises, promises.
Right here, Proctor.
When this trap is sprung...
...right here is where the action will be.
And I will be right in the middle of it.
This is why I insisted
that I be given this assignment.
You sure know how
to throw your fat around, sir.
That's weight, Proctor.
- Weight.
- Oh, weight.
[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
- What's that?
- I don't know, sir.
They're out there, Proctor. I feel it.
They'll attack this truck,
our men will move in...
...and I will personally put an end
to the Wilson Heights Gang.
It's quite simple, really.
- Do you think we'll get commendations?
- Medals?
They'll give me the key to the city.
First, I'll address the city
on the 6:00 news.
"The city is safe. It was my privilege
to serve you," et cetera.
- Sir.
- I think maybe a parade is in order.
- Sir.
- I'll be the grand marshal, of course.
I'll have to face all the talk-show offers.
- Sir!
- What is it, Proctor?
Help! Pull me up!
Help! No! No!
Halt! Halt!
- Halt! Halt!
HARRIS: Help!
They can't hear me, sir.
Sir, running really is the best form
of aerobic exercise.
Is it bad?
They knew. They knew all about it.
Somebody had to tip them off.
- But only our team knew about the plan.
- No, Uncle Eric...
...the leak is not in the precinct.
It's one of us.
LASSARD: Well, it seemed like
a good plan at the time.
HARRIS:
Oh, yes, yes. A fine plan.
We lose a priceless diamond...
...the Wilson Heights Gang
pulls the crime of the century...
...and we look like a bunch of jerks
because we practically invited them.
Do us a favor, Sergeant Lassard.
The next time you have a brilliant idea...
...please, keep it to yourself.
Asshole!
HURST: But now, Captain Harris,
if you'll take a seat.
Perhaps a different seat.
We've got to stop feeling sorry
for ourselves.
Now, so far...
...this gang seems to be confining
its robberies to our precinct.
- You got something, Nick?
- No, no. I'm just taking some notes.
Captain Harris, the mayor wants
to see you as soon as possible.
The mayor would like to see me.
HURST:
Well, don't keep him waiting.
If you'll excuse me.
Proctor!
I want a complete report
on this sprinkler system.
- Sprinklers?
- Sprinklers.
Good afternoon. How are you?
So nice to see you. Hello. Hello.
Welcome to America. A great country.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Seven?
Harris. Don't bother to rise.
A whole lot of glue,
but not an ounce of love.
Have any progress to report,
Captain Harris?
Well, actually, I'm afraid not, sir.
We're at a bit of a standstill.
We are re-questioning all the witnesses,
but that, of course, is basic procedure.
This is not what I want to hear,
Captain Harris.
I wanna hear that these crooks
have been...
- The thing when you put the cuffs on...
- Caught!
- Caught. That's exactly right. Caught.
- I'm trying, sir. I really am.
But it's not easy with Lassard
and his men slowing me down.
Yes, that business with the armored car.
That was a mess.
Do you have any other complaints
against them at all?
Not yet, Your Eminence.
But I know Lassard and his nephew
are up to something.
- And I am going to find out what!
- What?
- That's what I'm going to find out.
- All right, let's get cracking!
- Yes, sir!
- Let's get this case moving!
- Yes, sir!
- Go!
Yes, sir!
Midge, find out why Harris
has got a chair on his ass.
Whoo!
Come on, Nick,
we've been here since noon.
- You haven't told us what we're doing.
- Look, you guys just have to trust me.
- May I help you, sir?
- I got my eye on that necklace there.
It is beautiful. Shall I show it to you?
No, thank you. I'll get it myself.
All right, all right, all right. Stay calm.
Sorry about the mess.
Okay, now,
where do you hide your safe?
- Call me when you're ready.
- Back room, behind the painting.
Thank you.
[SCREAMING]
Thank you.
We'll just be a minute.
- Excuse me, coming through.
MAN 1: I don't know them.
- How'd you know?
- I don't get it yet...
...but for some reason, the robberies
follow the old 51 bus route.
MAN 2: Get back here!
- Criminals, ho!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, crapola.
Let's go, Proctor!
Freeze! Freeze!
You're under arrest! Hands up!
Harris, you're in the line of fire.
Get out of the way!
Sure, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Well, let me tell you something,
Sergeant Lassard.
I happen to be captain of this precinct,
and I am perfectly...
Let's go, Proctor!
ACE:
Yeehaw!
- All units, attention. Robbery in progress.
- I hurt my hand. Let's go! Go!
That was very exciting, wasn't it?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- He shoots.
- Air ball.
MAN:
As I was saying...
...I wanted to praise the cunning
and skill you showed...
...in evading almost certain capture.
What happened there?
That fool Lassard and his team
are getting too close.
You want we should
take care of them?
No. Leave them to me.
- Yuck!
WOMAN: Watch it, it's Fackler.
MAN:
Watch it!
- Thought we weren't meeting till later.
- Hurst called a special meeting.
- For what?
- Makes me nervous. Harris is too happy.
You're probably jumping to conclusions.
[WHISTLING]
- I could be wrong.
- Officers, be seated.
This is not going to be pleasant,
so we'll get right to the point.
From the beginning, we've suspected
that there was a leak in this precinct.
This morning,
acting on an anonymous tip...
...Captain Harris and I personally
searched one of your offices.
I'm afraid we found
what we were looking for.
This jewelry has been identified
as stolen merchandise...
...from the Wilson Heights Gang's
last robbery.
The office belonged
to Commandant Eric Lassard.
To tell the truth, we were shocked.
You're shocked?
We have no choice but to suspend
Commandant Lassard and his team...
...from active duty,
pending an investigation...
An investigation.
Yes.
Good day, gentlemen.
Excuse me. And of course, lady.
Ladies, two of them.
And good day to you, Your Excellency.
You are all dismissed.
We're just gonna sit here
and do nothing?
What can we do? We're suspended.
To pursue this case
would be disobeying a direct order.
- We can lose our jobs.
DEBBIE: Wait a minute.
A man's being falsely accused here.
Doesn't that count for anything?
She's right. We've got to clear
Commandant Lassard.
- No one else can.
- He's the reason we have these jobs.
He'd do the same for us.
You're right. Let's go.
[WHISTLING]
HIGHTOWER:
So, what are we looking for?
I don't know, some connection.
Why are these robberies taking place
along the old number 51 bus route?
What's so special about that route?
- Shall I bring it up on the screen?
- Yeah, let's take a look at it.
Oops. Wrong file.
These are the intercity Railink plans.
They must have moved the old
bus routes to a different file.
No, no, no. Wait a minute.
Maybe this isn't the wrong file.
I'll tell you what, try cross-referencing
the old bus route...
...against the proposed Railink system
and see what you come up with.
Okay.
It matches perfectly.
Yes, but why is the Wilson Heights Gang
robbing stores along the Railink?
What happens when a section of town
becomes a high-crime area?
- The property is devalued.
- Right.
Why would somebody want
to devalue the property?
- So they can buy it.
NICK: Exactly.
The property along the Railink system
is very valuable.
Now, whoever owns that property
is gonna be very, very rich.
Find out if anyone's buying property
along that route.
I'm way ahead of you.
MAN:
Good evening, gentlemen.
Tonight our devious plan
becomes a fearful reality.
All that remains is for me
to give my final command.
Begin Operation Chaos.
You boys are awfully quiet tonight.
Oh, well, sir, this is probably going
to be our last official meeting with you.
We wanted you to know
what a privilege it's been for us...
...to work with a criminal genius
such as yourself.
As a matter of fact, we got you...
...a pathetic little something here
to express our admiration...
...our respect, sir, and our...
Just put it in the drawer, boy.
It's Cuban.
I thank you. I'm touched.
Why, this is the perfect way...
...for me to celebrate
this victorious moment.
Funny. Very funny.
It's no good.
I don't know the code word.
- The computer won't let me get the file.
NICK: We're so close.
We've gotta do something.
Yes, sir.
Hey, brother,
you really are computer friendly.
NICK:
Okay. "Clayton Plating."
Ah-ha! Radio-controlled detonators.
Dynamite.
DEBBIE:
Douglas.
- Oh, no.
- What, another robbery?
No, it's worse.
They've got the blueprints
and the firepower to shut the city down.
Party Guys to Birthday Boy.
The candles are lit.
Make a wish.
[CARS HONKING]
[FACKLER BLOWING WHISTLE]
Come on. Come on. Come on.
WOMAN: Make up your mind.
I'm out of here!
What are you doing?
[DRIVERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
We better check this out.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please just calm down.
There's no need to be alarmed.
Just take your seats.
[IMITATING DRUM ROLL,
CYMBAL CRASH]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Metropolitan
Police Department proudly presents me.
IMITATING DONALD DUCK:
Ow!
IN NORMAL VOICE: Sorry, Donald.
IMITATING DONALD DUCK: Ah, phooey!
- Okay, come on.
- There you go.
- Hey, here comes a portable.
- Yeah, right.
MAN:
Yeah, give me that one.
Yeah.
Nice night, isn't it, officers?
IMITATING WOLFMAN JACK:
Hey, baby.
Rock 'n' roll is the answer, baby.
Because I know what you need.
Because I'm gonna give you
what you need.
[IMITATING S YNTHESIZER]
[IMITATING DRUM MACHING]
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
Great.
[IMITATING JIMI HENDRIX]
Thank you very much. Good night.
Come on, Nick, let's go.
Officers need assistance.
The batteries are dead.
You better go on foot. Now.
Hey, baby.
Why don't you just put that gun away.
Maybe we can have ourselves
a little party.
Okay.
Who wants to go first?
Looks like she doesn't need us.
SWAT OFFICER 1: She's good.
SWAT OFFICER 2: All right.
DEBBIE:
My...
What a big gun.
OX:
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, crapola!
He can be such a baby.
This is Sergeant Lassard, requesting
all available units to Galena and Main.
Galena and Main.
HIGHTOWER:
Over here.
- What's up?
- The Wilson Heights Gang is down there.
[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]
- What's the situation?
- The gang is getting away.
So, what are we waiting for?
[CAT YOWLING]
I'll just get a few things from my cycle.
Tack, you ready?
- I'm ready.
- Let's go kick some butt.
- Let's check it out.
- All right, be careful.
I'm gonna see where this tunnel goes.
Look who's here.
Here one minute, gone the next.
How about you?
I just thought I'd keep you company.
You into heavy metal?
[CLATTERING]
Now I'm mad.
[CAT HISSING]
TACK:
Sorry.
You're under arrest!
Throw down your weapon
and come out with your hands up!
I take that as a "no."
Ha! You're weakening. I'm stronger.
No, it's your breath.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boo who?
Quit crying.
This will be over in a moment.
- That's it!
- Huh?
Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes
is where I draw the line.
[DOG BARKING]
[IMITATING OVERDUBBED
KUNG FU MOVIE]
This time it's you and me.
Leave the dog out of it.
Okay, let's see what you got.
All right.
Airline pilot, huh?
All right, let's finish it.
Damn you!
[IMITATING ROBOT]
What the hell are you made of?
Target: Human.
Mission: Destroy.
My God, you're a robot!
"My God, you're a robot!
My God, you're a robot!"
- Please, don't kill me!
- "Please, don't kill me!"
"Please, don't kill me!"
Rest now, human.
Furlinger Magnum Special.
Hey, you're pretty good.
I'm the best.
Cute.
You know, this has been a lot of fun,
but I have to place you under arrest.
You wouldn't shoot...
...an unarmed man, would you?
MAN:
Welcome, Sergeant Lassard.
- So you know me.
- Oh, yes, indeed.
Whatever you're paying your informer,
it's not enough.
Your cohorts are causing me
very great annoyance.
As we speak, my associates
are finishing off your friends.
And now I'm going to finish you.
Poison gas?
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Yes, melodramatic, I know,
but effective.
Goodbye, Sergeant Lassard,
and take care.
[NICK COUGHING]
That's a nasty little cough you have.
That's not gonna do it.
Help!
Help!
You okay?
As you were, sergeant.
Thanks.
Now, where's Mr. Big?
We better split up.
Oh!
Man...
Come on.
You got anything?
I think we lost him.
I think we found him.
HIGHTOWER OVER RADIO:
The perpetrator's attempting escape...
...west on Foundry.
Sir, Lieutenant Hightower's chasing
the perpetrator our way!
HARRIS: Well, what are you waiting for?
Let's get out of here!
HIGHTOWER OVER RADIO:
Repeat: West on Foundry Street.
I am pursuing in a commandeered
civilian vehicle.
Tack!
Tack! Jones!
I got him! He's in the truck!
Come on!
Anybody know how
to drive one of these?
Affirmative, sir!
We took one on our honeymoon.
Y'all hang tight.
Paddy wagon will be by in a minute.
See y'all later.
Yeehaw!
Yeehaw!
HARRIS:
I don't see anything, Proctor.
Well, this is Foundry Street.
I heard Hightower on the radio.
You must have been mistaken,
because there is nothing going on here.
[SCREAMING]
I do not believe it!
Shoot. Don't say it, Proctor!
Just don't say it.
- Told him so.
- I heard that!
MAN: I don't care where it's going.
I'm getting on.
- What are you doing?
- I'm picking up passengers.
Why?
Well, I have to, sir.
They're on my route.
Let's go! Move it, move it, move it!
Let's move! Go! Go! Go!
Sit down! Let's go!
You know what you're doing?
Relax, I do this all the time.
Look out!
Welcome aboard, cowboy!
- Woo-hoo!
- Whoo!
He had a lot of trouble with that landing.
I'll give it a nine.
HARRIS: Look out for Gene & Roger's
Fruit Stand!
MAN:
Get out of here, you maniac!
- Have a nice evening, sir.
- Yeah, sure.
You're much better
than the regular driver.
"You're much better
than the regular driver."
- There go the lights.
HIGHTOWER: All right! Let's go!
What are you doing here?
Well...
...we chased the mastermind
into this office, sir.
Well, he isn't here.
So get out there and find him!
Yes, sir.
What are you doing here?
That man is an imposter!
Me?
No, he's the imposter!
Okay, make way! Make way here!
Move it, move it! Commissioner Hurst...
...they have violated their suspensions.
I demand they be brought up on charges!
- Oh, Harris, shut up!
- Oh, shut up, Harris!
Well, one of these guys
is the mastermind.
But which one?
There's only one sure way to find out,
and that's the Pinocchio test.
That was it. Sorry, commissioner.
Whoo!
Hello, guys and gals!
Oh, boy. I wish I had a picture
of your stupid faces.
Mr. Mayor!
Hello, Harris, you stupid twit!
Thank you for all the info when you were
trying to catch me. I found it so useful.
Woo-hoo!
Harris was the leak?
I didn't know!
I mean, he was the mayor. I mean...
- How was I supposed to know?
- Why?
For money, sir.
He knew property along the
Railink route would be very valuable.
So he had his gang set up a crime wave
to devalue the property...
...so he could buy it up, cheap.
With the damage that blackout caused,
well, he was gonna own it all.
He'd just sit back,
stop the crime wave...
...retire from public service
and watch his property skyrocket.
You mean this was all
just a real-estate scam?
A billion-dollar real-estate scam, sir.
Hee!
Take him away.
Take me away? Oh, how rude!
How rude! Whoo!
Take yourselves away. Try that!
As a matter of fact, you're all fired.
Each and every one of you is fired. Fired!
And don't you touch my model ships!
Not one of you!
Don't touch them!
The little men are so delicate.
They'll crumble
between your big, fat fingers!
Your big cop fingers!
Eric, I owe you and the team an apology.
I've been a fool.
Yes.
But that's all right, commissioner.
Consider yourself
and your team reinstated.
All right!
MAN: And so it is with great honor
that I award these men and women...
...the Distinguished Service Medal
for serving this city in its hour of need.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our honored police officers.
[PLAYING BAND MUSIC]
I think I'll take your seat, lieutenant.
You take mine.
Yes, sir.
Unless there's some problem.
Nope. No problem.
Oh...
Proctor.
Oh, Proctor.
Proctor!
Proctor!