Poltergay (2006) Movie Script
It's beautiful!
We need to fix that...
using the same materials...
Right. I'm off!
- Here's my drill.
- See you later.
No drills at work?
In construction, but unconstructive!
Thanks Dad.
Good one!
Thanks Dad.
Here.
Here's David.
Delivery man!
AIready here, babe?
Oh, my pussycat!
I'd for gotten you!
Look at your new house!
What's up, puss?
It's a pile of rot here!
The ceilings are original!
Easy to rip out!
Right, we'll have the charm removed!
For now, we've lots to do!
It's nice. I can't say I don't like it...
but you're miles from Paris!
How did you find it?
A will that Dad handled.
Empty for 30 years.
Did Dad put up the money?
No, we took out a 20-year mortgage.
Oh, yes!
Your pool table!
It takes up the whole room!
Put it in the cellar!
No way! It'll warp and go mouldy!
You break.
It's the only thing I brought!
Take it easy!
I'm a doctor, not a mover.
You drive a medics' truck.
You're happy to use the truck!
- And I'm on call.
- Oh yeah?
They beep you to park?
I need a beer.
Hot stuff, Mr Italy!
- Mark! Come quick!
- What's up?
What's the matter?
- Pretty fast!
- OK!
Wait! I was thinking about this room...
it's quiet, it's next to ours...
it's light, it's ideal for a...
Home cinema! Brilliant!
We black out the windows...
two speakers here! Great idea!
- Can we start now?
- Yeah!
Mark! Emma! I'm off!
- Bye.
- Have fun, babe!
She has gym class with Pablo,
her Cuban coach.
- I need a beer.
- On a Sunday?
Yeah, he works hard. Sundays too.
A great guy. Charges one hour,
but she stays all evening!
Right.
- I'm up at 5 for an early flight.
- Where to?
Pompeii. A new dig at the baths.
- Boring!
- For guys who like pool.
I didn't tell you...
It's never been excavated before!
Never open to the public!
Can you imagine?
Huh? Oh, yeah, that's great.
- Come with me.
- I can't. There's too much to do here!
Don't forget to put up the wardrobe!
OK.
Don't be long.
And the stairs...
fix that step! It's dangerous...
- and tidy up, OK?
- Maldini, shut up!
You're not sleeping here?
Come to our place.
Why? It's my home. I'm not scared.
Valerie would be pleased.
She really likes you.
Let's go!
Shame! A mile wide!
- I slipped!
- You choked!
Give me the chalk!
You blew it!
Isn't Emma anti-spliff?
So?
So you're deceiving her!
Not really.
Watch my retro shot.
Only one other guy can do it.
Was that you?
Right! A dirty trick!
Can you hear that?
Emma, can you hear it?
What?
The music!
What music?
There... that music!
Damn! It's scratched!
There's no music, love.
Not any more.
You were dreaming.
Carlos, how's tricks?
- Frank. Mr Trayner.
- You part-time now?
Sorry for the slight delay.
We just moved house.
- You know how it is.
- No I don't.
Be on time, or you're home
all day, every day!
Capito! As you say!
Absolutely.
Yeah, it's great!
We're working a lot.
It's really great! Wait...
- Later!
- What's that?
Patricians.
Washing.
No. They're buttfucking.
No question about it.
They're buttfucking.
Yes!
For fuck's sake!
What the hell is that!
Sorry!
- You? Here?
- It was open.
Emma's away. I thought I'd drop by.
I brought us a wee drink.
But no glasses in the kitchen.
So it's you.
What?
Taking photos of my ass.
Making dicks with pool balls.
Dicks with what?
You find it funny?
What are you on about?
Is something wrong?
No, I'm fine, me!
But what's your game?
Nothing!
I'm sorry... I was wrong about you.
I think so!
Right.
Bye!
Otherwise...
Don't tell Emma.
Yes. I mean no.
Yeah.
Quiet please!
Some of us are trying to sleep!
Thank you!
No reply, and she's in my bed.
Yes, sir.
He doesn't answer?
When the cat's away...
- What's up?
- I can't see!
I need a flashlight.
Shame Emma's gone.
You into chicks now? Bad boy, Ivan!
My men are waiting!
You can put it down now!
- Hello.
- Hi, love.
- It's me!
- Hi honey!
- I'll call back.
- We found a great mosaic!
- It's Justinian!
- Great! A mosaic! Super!
- I can't talk now.
- Did you do the wardrobe?
The wardrobe?
- Yeah. It's good.
- Wait...
Did you go out?
- No.
- You slept at home?
I'll call you back. Love you.
It's fine, it's all arranged!
Is somebody there?
I'd better not tell Emma. She'll freak.
No pool tonight, David.
Right, I'm scared of a good thrashing.
Emma's back tomorrow,
and I have to do...
the wardrobe!
Hang on!
Mark...
Modena.
Pavarotti's town?
Exactly!
Well, even cops love painting!
So...
Traces of a break-in?
No break-in.
No break-in? So what was stolen?
- Nothing.
- Hold on... Nothing stolen or broken?
- What did they do?
- Drawings and they put up a wardrobe.
They put up a what?
A wardrobe.
And the ironing. Even my jeans.
With a crease.
Phil!
- Listen, Mr Modena!
- I know...
It's terrible...
we can't fight gangs
doing wardrobes and ironing...
Right.
...but we're quite effective drug-wise.
I didn't see this.
But next time, I might!
Fine, that's good of you.
It's not even mine.
But I guess it was in my house.
Good night.
You scared me!
- It's you!
- You're not asleep?
- You put up the wardrobe!
- Yeah!
- You're hiding something!
- No, why?
Your mistress does your ironing?
In fact, I started doing it myself.
It's very relaxing.
I wanted to surprise you.
What's the matter?
- You hear that?
- What?
There... can you hear it?
No, I can't hear anything... come on!
"Ra-ra-Rasputin,
na-na-na love machine..."
If you're not in the mood...
No, I swear... Iisten!
It's scratched!
It's stopped.
Give up the joints!
Rubbish! I don't smoke!
OK, but you hear Russians,
singing: "Rasputin, etc..."
They're not Russians. It's Boney M.
I'm just saying, they're not Russians.
It's Boney M, black guys.
Mark, are you sure you feel OK?
Oh yes, you feel fine!
- You feel just fine!
- I feel very fine!
An ass like a docker!
CIumsy! She deserves better!
Forget the girl, Bert!
- There!
- What!
Ivan's dancing. Fancy a quickie?
There! The guy's ass?
-What guy's ass?
-There! You saw it! On the wall!
PIease, stop it!
A guy showed me his ass...
and asked if... I fancied a...
- if I wanted...
- Great! Was it a nice ass?
Did it turn you on?
What now? Come to bed!
I'm just going for some water.
What the fuck?
There you are!
What the hell's going on?
Come to watch the fags, eh?
Michael Raffin, gay and proud of it!
- Fascist!
- You what?
Where's your chick?
Got any blow? I'm all out!
He's all rumply!
Not hanging too heavy down there?
The material I mean! What's the fabric?
Enough! Be nice to our intruder!
I'm John, but my friends call me Shaggy.
- This is my fucking house!
- Have a drink.
That's my wine!
"My house!", "My wine". Chill, man!
A little green, maybe. No effect at all.
'76 is young, though. Needs to age.
So, Mark. We need to talk.
You're cool, but this is our home.
- Private.
- Your home?
Maybe we can help each other out.
You can crash here for a while.
Sure. Thanks!
We've been here for ages.
But we need a change.
- Any ideas?
- Out! Or it's the cops!
The boys in blue!
The boys in blue!
I prefer firemen!
I'm Giles. I'm a rep with BASF.
They're showing off. Fags!
I'm not. You know?
I just come to dance!
So dance away!
And take your pals with you!
OK?
OK?
You don't get it!
What's going on?
Don't worry, it's alright.
And the shovel?
Don't touch me!
- It's for them!
- There's nobody there!
Shut up!
You're drinking at night, now?
It's not me who's drinking, it's them!
They opened our wine. Stop it!
- Mark, you're insane!
- They opened our wine. Stop it!
Quiet!
- Call the cops!
- Quiet!
You're nuts! You're nuts!
What? You're nuts!
I'm nuts? So what do you call this, then?
A cellar.
Emma! You can see this shit!
OK. You're fun guys, and great dancers...
I don't care who you are...
but get lost! OK!
The boys in blue!
OK, great!
I'll call them myself!
It's always the same.
Never there when you need them.
Stop it, Mark! Stop it!
You saw it down there!
You're scaring me! You're mad!
Are you blind, or what?
You saw those guys!
- What's your game?
- My game?
Have you seen yourself?
What are you on? Booze? Drugs?
You need a shrink!
Of course.
You're calling a shrink now?
We'll see who's nuts!
David? Is this a bad time?
Yeah, but... wait!
Can you come over to the house please?
Can we turn the music down!
What's the big deal?
That!
The cellar?
You must help me! I see guys!
- Just guys, in the cellar?
- No! Everywhere!
In the shower...
kissing, showing their asses!
Kissing, showing their asses?
Kissing, showing their asses?
- You're gay!
- But David!
Either mad, or gay.
But see a psycho-thingy.
You're not a well person.
Take that to help you sleep.
- I don't like pills.
- But you're too stressed.
One every two days.
With a glass of water for one week.
OK.
So, I'll call you.
Bye!
"Just guys!"
Oh, it's you!
Pyjamas in the shower now!
Oh, yeah!
I forgot. Must be those damned pills.
Scared of being naked?
Not with you!
I mean...
I'm late! Gotta run!
Mr Trayner!
I know, I know!
You piss me off.
- I've warned you!
- Absolutely!
But trust me! I'll make it up!
Let's do it for Mr Trayner!
Hip-hip-hooray, let's build!
Hi!
What's that?
A cue-rack.
Ugly, isn't it.
- Dad didn't come by.
- No.
So how are you?
- Fine.
- Really?
Fine, fine!
You saw someone?
Yeah! But I'll tell you later.
Are you sick of me?
No, why?
Don't force yourself!
I can force myself a little!
He'll stretch the material!
- The fabric!
- OK?
Yeah, yeah!
Show your tits!
Shut up Ivan!
- Do you still fancy me?
- I do!
- Fuck!
- Mark!
Maybe we can talk now?
We've got a proposal for you.
- Help us escape!
- Get lost!
You're busting my balls!
That sounds like fun!
Get out!
Who're you talking to now?
Get out!
To those bastards!
Stop it!
What luck! It didn't break!
It wasn't luck. It should have broken.
- That guy caught it.
- Sure.
You can't see the guy in white?
- Stop it!
- Watch this!
Take a glass...
drop it...
and it breaks!
and it breaks!
- But he couldn't catch it! Wait...
- And it breaks!
- Wait...
- Stop it! Stop it!
Wait... watch again!
- Stop it!
- It's OK!
Now, you catch it. OK?
Yes!
You'll see!
I'm off!
You're mad!
This time we count down. Like NASA...
You're mad!
Ready? 3, 2, 1...
Idiot!
You're certifiable!
You didn't catch it?
You just want us out, no?
You're out, OK!
He wants to marry us!
Let's play tag!
Kissie-kissie!
Can't catch us!
- That you, Mark?
- Yeah!
It's taken!
Straight fascist!
She told you to fix the step!
You didn't hurt your thingy?
I can massage it!
Just helping!
Not that way!
Go ahead, make my day! Hit me!
Show me your thingy!
That's not a good omen!
Anyone home?
Emma sweetie! It's Dad!
Anyone home?
"Took the drill. Dad."
"LSD. Handcuffs..."
"Yum-yum"
Whacko!
Hurts like that, huh!
Don't fuck with me in my house!
What did you do?
I got one of them!
Dad! Are you all right?
Answer me!
Mr Chevallier!
Don't touch me!
What a savage!
And with just a shovel!
So butch!
I'm sorry.
For the insurance. Thanks.
You're staying with your Dad?
I'm leaving.
But you'll be back tomorrow?
You'll be back?
- Why?
- You attacked Dad!
I know, but... I love you!
Listen: it's over!
You cheat on me...
fantasize about men...
steal my panties and hear voices!
What?
She said you fantasize about men...
Shut it!
For the photographer!
Man or woman.
But I don't know...
I don't know who took it!
You're scaring me! I can't take this!
I'll see someone, tomorrow!
I thought you already had?
Yes, I went there but...
Iet's go back in!
Emma, I love you!
Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
A guy crying,
and with pecs like that...
makes your heart bleed!
There's something in my eye...
She's hot when she's mad!
- Shame she's gone!
- Enough, Ivan!
Straights and their tiffs!
I see men...
in my room...
in the shower...
in the cellar...
but, let's be clear:
I'm not homosexual, OK?
Of course not! What's your job?
Construction.
I'm a site manager.
A man's world.
Yes.
So you work exclusively with men...
Er, yeah.
That's interesting.
And these men...
I'm the only one who sees them!
Mr Modena...
You are the victim of hallucinations.
Fine. Why?
If we restrict our instincts,
or restrain our desires...
we may have certain visions.
When you say visions,
- what do you mean?
- Time's up. That's 45 euros, please.
Wait, wait!
If I get a change of scene...
or sell the house,
maybe that would help?
Change your head. That's the problem.
In cash, of course.
- I only have this.
- I owe you 5.
"GAY"
We'll delve into that next time.
Make a new appointment...
Listen to me!
But what can I do? My wife's left me!
I'm all alone!
You have homosexual fantasies.
Accept it.
Act upon it.
You'll feel much better.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
- Thanks.
- Never mind.
I've made tea.
I always said that boy wasn't for us.
For you, I mean.
Oh, look! I love it...
Valerie's such a space case,
she's left her gymbag!
I need to talk...
She's got a 15-day course in Cuba,
with her coach...
And she's the only girl!
David... I'm wondering if...
I might be gay.
Pass the crisps.
- Did you hear me?
- Gay. Yes. I heard. I told you that.
- So?
- So, nothing.
You're not my type.
Hey, take it easy.
That explains the guys in the cellar.
So who is it? A colleague?
- Who's who?
- Whaddya mean who?
Your boyfriend!
For fuck's sake!
It's Carlos, the Portuguese guy.
You guys are always... It's Carlos!
I knew it!
No boyfriend!
Right.
Carlos met your Dad?
- Are you deaf! I don't have a boyfriend!
- So you just screw around?
I've never screwed a guy.
You said you were gay?
- Yes.
- And gays do guys.
You can't generalise.
Not all gays do guys.
But... you do want to screw a guy?
No!
Screw your dumb questions!
I have to go: my grandma's 80th birthday.
Where's my tie?
Oh God!
Look, Mark!
I found this for V's birthday.
It's African or Columbian, maybe...
- I don't know where to put it.
- Nor me.
But you're gay! You should know!
Where would you put it?
In the cellar.
What did he say?
He didn't say anything.
Yes I did, Papa.
I said that maybe I was...
homosexual... or bisexual.
Phew! I was worried...
I thought you didn't like my tiramisu!
Your tiramisu's the best!
So you're a fairy...
You know, pre-war... back in Italy...
I had this beautiful neighbour...
- she was round and firm: an apricot!
- AIright, Mama! Enough already!
- We used to do it every washday.
- AIright, Mama! Enough already!
- Your father was kind and a good worker.
- What did gran say?
But useless in bed.
We have to help him.
No leftovers!
What did gran say?
We have to help him.
Any ideas?
This TV is all squashed!
I'll talk to him.
A proper discussion.
We can help him...
and he might help us escape.
What's that?
An article about hammerhead sharks.
Hammertit sharks!
Don't push me, Ivan, please!
I've grilled his jeans!
Have you seen the date?
It's 2006!
We've been here for 27 years!
I'm 60!
No.
My ex is mayor of Paris!
And when I was in Italy...
one night he wasn't home!
But Mark is the Latin type.
And?
He's hot-blooded.
He needs to play around!
I swore I wouldn't tell...
He even hit on me!
What? Mark?
I don't want to cause trouble...
Is that him?
Don't answer!
Don't be a sucker!
You understand?
"Accept it. Act upon it."
Excuse me...
I will have...
a Scotch!
On the rocks?
Right, no ice. Thanks.
Has everyone left?
At 12? It isn't EuroDisney.
Uh, Yes.
Can I get a light, please?
...and for a name?
Samuel or John, finally Mark.
That's funny: my name's Mark!
You done, Mr Suit 'n' Tie?
No, it's Modena.
Mark... never mind.
Straight bait.
Up my alley!
Time out!
Hi, I'm Mark.
Wanna go downstairs?
Yes, sure... why? What's downstairs?
Come, and I'll show you.
Easy now... The direct type, huh?
I'm more old-fashioned...
maybe we could talk?
You just give head?
I didn't catch that.
You only give blow-jobs?
I didn't say that! No way!
Maybe we can chat... first!
What do you do?
I'm active.
Yes, but in what?
In almost anyone. It depends.
Right!
So what sign are you?
I don't believe in all that
astral shit, but hey!
I like you. We're going to get along.
Terrific!
You OK?
Do you want something to drink?
Or a bite to eat?
I just want to fuck.
Your place?
My place is not a good option!
Outside then?
I didn't like it much outside,
the last time.
Stones, and bits of stuff, and thorns...
Stop it! Sorry, but I can't drive.
That's all.
Shame: no site keys.
You work on a site?
Site manager! A great job!
A challenge, I love it!
Have you got any work clothes?
The first time I felched
a Turkish builder...
Great! Great!
Park there, quick!
Talk Turkish to me!
- Turkish?
- Yeah!
Go on, go on!
Kebab!
More!
Galatasaray...
Fuck, you're a hunk!
OK. OK.
- Do me a favour?
- No, yes, it depends.
Do me a favour?
No, yes, it depends.
Put this on.
And get undressed.
Aren't you worried
someone will see us?
Sure... the squirrels.
Here, lover...
Dear God! It's unreal!
And it's all yours!
What?
Hi. It's our pal!
Freaky, huh!
- It's not mine!
- I can see that! No question!
Wrap it all up! Follow us!
Straights! Never again!
"New message."
"Trayner here. You were expected at 7.
Get a new job. Goodbye."
"New message."
"Mark, it's Emma."
"Dad's picking up his car tonight."
"Don't be there... please."
How are you?
Oh no! I'd forgotten!
We're having a Village People party...
we borrowed some stuff.
Damn visions!
He's obsessed!
See a shrink!
Change the goddamn song!
What time is it?
You're all worked up!
You need a bath and a massage.
Shut up!
Maldini! Dinnertime!
I need my keys.
Come in.
I'm sorry... it's so unlike me.
Just a misunderstanding...
Tell Emma...
Definitely.
Thanks.
Gentlemen...
Kissie!
"Gentlemen?"
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Who were you talking to?
Who was there?
Those fellows...
What fellows? I'm all alone!
You're crazy! The Indian, the cop...
the motorbike guy...
That's great!
- That's great!
- Crazy!
"L'Am - bi - gu" What is that?
Colour TV for the straights!
Damn allergies!
Must be puss!
"Franz, let's get married!"
Princes but no queens!
"I love you, Franz!"
"Don't call me Franz!"
- Change channels!
- Switch it back on! We want the Princess!
And the Prince!
"Tragedy at club. 5 dead."
Baby!
Smoking!
No effect at all!
Come on!
Pass the ball!
"Tr.z.guet shoots!"
Tr.z.-gay? Who are these guys?
We'll never win with the B-team!
Where's Janvion and Revelli?
Or the new kid, PIatini?
France always sucks at soccer!
We have won 2 Euros and a World Cup!
Leave the footie!
Let's talk.
Did you hear that, girls!
- He wants to talk!
- Look.
We're in the newspaper!
Let's see!
"Explosion at 2 in the morning..."
That's mine.
"Five victims' bodies were not found..."
"due to the blast..."
"caused by a short-circuit in an
overheated bubble and foam machine!"
I get it now.
April 13th 1979...
Huggy's surprise birthday party...
he was thirty...
my partner!
You come out at night...
stay young...
We're fags, right?
- Yes. No. I was going to say ghosts!
- What a genius!
We walk through walls and don't age...
you could have asked us!
Anyway...
Emma's Dad sees you, so I'm not alone...
And I'm not mad, and not gay!
Happy now, are you?
He's glad not to be gay!
Yes!
Maybe I can win back the woman I love!
"Ghosts"
Brilliant!
I'm coming!
...so if you think you can help,
call me back. Thanks.
The very man!
You lost your job: you're in deep shit...
So? suicide?
What?
Well you're gay, your wife's left you,
you're jobless... it makes sense.
Bullshit!
I'm not gay.
Shame, it was kind of cool.
Did you tell Emma?
I left 100 messages...
Oh shit! Like a beer?
It's me...
I went for my car.
- You OK?
- Yeah.
Move on, Emma. I saw Mark.
- Really? How is he?
- Seems just fine!
Having a little party a kinky costume do!
Going out?
To work. I can't sleep anyway.
Mark!
Christ!
Stop going through walls!
It's creepy! There are doors!
Doors means... never mind.
You know...
the pal who never showed up...
can you try and find him?
His name was Henry Burns.
But I called him Huggy.
He ran a bar in the Rue St Anne.
The love of my life.
I'll do what I can.
- Huggy?
- Huggy.
Right... We're going to dance.
Thanks.
What's up?
It's Ivan! He's dead!
- Yes, I'm dead!
- My baby's dead!
- It's Ivan! He's dead!
- Of course he's dead! You're dead too!
You're all dead! So what?
Not again! You need locking up!
You need locking up!
You're seriously whacko!
You're seriously whacko!
I'm talking to gh...
to friends you can't see.
Cut it out!
How about a demo?
Leave it to me!
What?
Just watch!
Ready?
Lets' go!
Nice move. My turn.
Nice move!
Did you see that?
You think I did that alone?
What planet are you on?
Huh?
OK, guys. Reset.
You shoot now. You'll see.
Holy shit!
Is that them?
Wow!
They're good!
It's like a flying sea-snake!
Oh shit! Are they there?
I've got pretty balls, huh?
They see me?
Is he playing with a full deck?
They think you're cool.
Howdy!
That's a cue-rack! Over there!
Do they live here?
That's the problem...
Good evening, Mr Modena.
A classic case.
What our German friends call
"poltergeists".
"Noisy spirits".
You say they died violently,
without a proper burial...
they behave strangely...
are prisoners in this house...
... and appear at night?
Absolutely.
What are you doing?
To imprison such spirits...
one needs an area of consecrated ground...
... enclosed by 4 holy stones.
We need to find those stones.
I should have taken the barbecue sauce.
Get me some.
Hey! Get it yourself!
David... please.
And for dessert, a fudge McFIurry.
Do it for me!
Great!
It's OK.
He has a cuckold's chin...
a prominent forehead
and a thick neck an obvious cretin!
Right... find me those stones!
It's manual labour... not too hard...
even for you.
I hate him.
It's mutual.
You can see them? And hear them?
Let's go guys!
"This house was built
on a Templars' shrine..."
"and the 4 imprisoning stones represent
the 4 corners of the old torture chamber."
"When the Order was repressed..."
"the Templars were slain..."
"at this precise location:
your house..."
"and the former club."
SIow going! Careful, Mark.
OK. There!
The stones represent the limits
of the ectoplasmic perimeter.
Your chums' "prison".
If I move the stones...
they move too.
One barbecue sauce!
I don't want it now. Where's my dessert?
Thanks, David.
I don't want it now. Where's my dessert?
Here!
So if I put the stonesat
each corner of the country...
they could go anywhere?
That's impossible.
The ectoplasmic zone is fixed.
It can't be enlarged.
So they will never leave?
Oh, but yes!
The poltergeist state is just one step
preceding reincarnation and...
the Great Passage.
What's that?
Like in that film: "Hell-house".
Every 700 years, there's a big hole...
and guys fall in.
So you liked that fine documentary...
But then, you have flat lobes.
I'm going to play pool.
When is the Great Passage?
It can be defined.
I can do that.
But I am intrigued...
Some people...
can see them...
others cannot.
Yes, I agree.
Be quiet!
I need to think.
We know that Casanova's ghost...
appeared only to virgins.
To no-one else. Why?
Because he lusted after virginity.
Thus, if we see them...
others do not,
it is for the same reason...
Virginity!
That doesn't work. I can see them...
- and I'm no virgin.
- With a man?
Ah, in that case...
Myself too!
And what fantasy...
inspires every pederast?
You and I!
Attractive hetero males to convert!
That makes sense.
Emma's Dad and I can see them...
but she can't.
Exactly.
Impure contact with a man
means virginity is lost.
So you can't see them.
Are your toilets clean?
Yes.
Where?
I'm coming.
AII right, guys?
I'll kill the fascist!
No, we need him!
It's bedtime, OK?
For you!
We're stuck here because of the stones!
Why don't you put the stones in the car
and go for a drive!
He's right!
We can't leave the perimeter,
but we can move it!
Mark can drive us and the stones...
I wouldn't, if I were you.
We'll do what we like, pal!
You're not giving orders!
How do we do it?
We can't even touch the stones!
- Come and party with us!
- I'm off!
I'm really not in the mood.
Early night for me.
Be cool, Mark!
We'll never see
what's become of the world.
But we can't force anyone to be generous.
Don't worry, Mark...
We'll still help get Emma back.
Kissie!
Bastards!
OK. But not for long.
I'll have to move the stones!
Hurry up!
I have a question for you...
why doesn't David see the ghosts?
Think about it. There are two cases.
Either you're pure... or you're not.
Leave the old fart!
Good night, Mr Modena.
Let's go, Mark!
- You'll drop me off?
- Sure.
Party time!
Who put a stone by the brake!
- I did. Don't move.
- What's he doing?
OK! I've got it.
Put the radio on!
- Yes, the radio!
- 2 seconds!
A serenade for Paris!
Sounds good! Is it new?
- Turn it up!
- That better?
- Yeah, cool!
- Yes.
Why don't you come?
V's probably waiting.
And tomorrow at 6...
I have to examine the firemen.
- A whole squad in their boxers!
- Invite her.
Having their nuts squeezed!
You want to come? It's near your house.
Thanks... but no thanks.
- See you!
- Meet you!
They all say bye.
Hey, Mark?
What?
Maybe we could stop by?
- Maybe we could stop by?
- To see the firemen!
What?
What's the problem? Firemen are cool!
Firefighting is important!
- Right!
- It is!
And hunky firemen?
What are you talking about?
Admit it! You're a fag!
You want to check out firemen
because you're gay!
You hear that, Mark? That's a good one!
Me! Gay! It's preposterous!
- Gay, gay!
- Stop teasing Benny Hill!
Paris is still so beautiful!
Michael! The Mayor's place!
Where are we going?
The Marais!
The Marais!
- What's there?
- Surprise!
Gay driving schools!
Gay restaurants!
Gay bookstores!
Gay hairdressers! Gay gays!
It's the Promised Land!
Take a smaller table!
When the place fills up, I'll move. OK?
What can I get you?
Beer? Beer? Yes?
Thanks.
The joint's empty!
It's not EuroDisney!
- Euro-what?
- What's EuroDisney?
Oh, right.
A funfair in the suburbs
with Mickey Mouse.
Why doesn't David see you?
I'm sure he's not gay. Everyone's gay.
Heterosexuality is a bourgeois scam.
And all straights are latent gays!
We're either gay or fascists! Yes?
You piss me off!
What about tolerance and difference...
do they mean nothing?
With his Peace and Love pendant...
a bigot!
You're right. He's talking rubbish.
David! He touches dicks!
Firemen's dicks!
That's the reason!
He touches other people's dicks!
That's why he can't see you!
Of course, that's why he can't see you!
He touches firemen's dicks!
And so he can't see you!
That's great! No problem!
Brilliant! I'll call him!
Move the stones!
Mark! The stones!
At work, you touch dicks!
That's why they're invisible!
I'll call back.
That's me, there.
I've changed!
No, I recognize you.
I know the person beside you.
Impossible.
He passed away a long time ago.
Huggy?
Only one person ever called me that!
You're too young.
How did you know?
I know?
What's up guys?
Don't move!
Sir! Sir!
Your order!
Any longer outside,
and they're in limbo...
I wouldn't like to be in their shoes...
- Your order?
- Quarterpounder with cheese.
I'd just leave them there.
But if you want to save them, it's simple.
Put the stones back in the house.
The timing is vital.
They must always be back by 1.55.
The time of the explosion
during their debauchery.
Like Cinderella...
they're Cinderellas!
You!
Cinders with their own balls!
Napkins are extra?
They're in the bag, sir.
Don't worry! It'll be OK!
It's alright! Don't worry!
Wait...
I'll be back! Don't move!
Emma!
Emma! Unbelievable!
Don't you get my messages?
I'm fine! I'm cured!
It's complex, but I'll explain!
We'll be home in 2 minutes!
PIease!
Forget me.
Good luck. To you, and your wheelbarrow.
Fuck! Emma!
Are you OK?
Are you OK? Nearly there!
Sorry.
Our pal! Running red lights now, eh?
- You like prison food?
- It's an emergency! Really!
AII wasted too!
AII right, girls! Get out!
Phil... who are you talking to?
He's all alone.
Yeah... it's just me.
The 5 fairies back there!
The 5 what?
What?
Who?
Take a vacation, Phil!
It's OK, Phil... move along now...
Bye Phil!
Are you nuts?
You know how it is.
Don't touch me!
Better now?
AII right, baby?
Thanks, Mark.
"Emma..."
"I'd like to explain..."
"but otherwise,
your stuff's in the hall."
"Mark"
Don't put a crease in the jeans.
You'll get all rumply at work!
Work is history!
But that's not the problem never mind.
This is nice, eh?
OK, Mark?
Yeah, yeah.
"Love is a science..."
"you my guiding hand...
I hear your silence..."
"and try to understand...
Did I love you badly?"
"My angel, sweet and brutal..."
"Pure and clear and perfect..."
"a jewel made of crystal."
Who is it?
Is it for me?
Mark.
I got your letter. I just wanted to say...
- "It's lovely."
-Yeah?
"Especially the end."
The end?
"Your stuff"?
"I hear your silence..."
"It's beautiful."
- Must be a mistake...
- Jean Cocteau.
What?
Jean Cocteau.
You like poetry?
Oh yes...
We should talk, don't you think?
Of course. Talk and meet...
- Invite her to dinner!
- Get her over here!
Maybe we can... have dinner?
Finally!
- Next week!
- Tonight!
Tonight?
I'll be there in 1 hour.
Me too. I mean, I'll be waiting.
Who forged my handwriting?
Thanks, guys!
It was me, Mark.
I only wanted to help.
So I took the letter...
Thanks, Shaggy!
You're brilliant! Thanks!
What time is it?
That's on your broken watch. It's 20.15.
Do me a favour, guys.
- Leave me and Emma alone tonight?
- OK, but...
OK, but... you want your wife back, right?
Exactly!
The way he looks, he has no chance!
Hardly a babe-magnet!
He's right: always rumply!
But he works, or worked, so hard!
No time for taste!
I worked for BASF for ten years...
- and was always more than alluring!
- But...
- Listen.
- Enough with the witchtrial!
So he's frumpy! And straight!
That's how it is!
Is it innate? Who knows?
We can't all have dominant mothers...
and meek fathers! It's not his fault!
The concept of tolerance...
means nothing to you?
- Is Perry Mason done?
- Stop it!
We'll help you!
Let's get to work, girls!
Give me a hand!
No.
No.
I think I'll do the icing!
This material!
Wait, Giles!
This might work better!
Facial toner! Such penetration!
Easy, boy!
Good evening!
It's changed! It's so much bigger!
We... I took out the pool table.
It creates more space.
- You did all this?
- Yes.
By yourself?
Yes.
I did the step!
That's pretty.
Fairy lights! They light up!
Sit down.
Make yourself...
at home!
Mark! It's ready!
Two more nibbles!
Did you shag her?
The tomato umbrellas!
That's enough!
- She'll notice!
- Dressed to the nines!
She'll love you!
Yes.
Next!
You're back already?
You did all this?
Yes.
- It's lovely!
- A minimum of effort.
Everything OK?
Ask about her job.
So, how's work?
Well, the Pompeii job...
is a bit boring.
Well, "Pompeii isn't Carthage!"
Well, "Pompeii isn't Carthage!"
Carthage?
That's for sure.
You weren't into that stuff before?
- "Hannibal,
- "Hannibal,
- the city walls,
- the city walls,
- the Antonine baths..."
- the Antonine baths..."
I got so laid there!
I got so... it's great!
Pompeii, Carthage those Persians, huh!
Idiot! Wrong answer!
The Persians?
Really! Fancy some wine?
I'm fine.
You're different.
I'm cured. I'm better now.
It's all sorted.
It's as if you'd changed.
For the better.
I like it.
Dessert is served!
Dessert is served!
AIready?
I mean, I made dessert, and it's ready.
Superb!
- Cake?
- Is that the cake?
I supervised!
I'd never have guessed...
- It's great, fantastic.
- Thanks.
But, I'm sorry...
- I have to... She'll notice.
- But... my icing!
That was my icing!
Sorry!
- He ruined my cake!
- Be strong!
- He ruined my cake!
- I know!
I know!
It's sort of...
Chocolate!
No, really, it was delicious...
it was a great dinner...
I'll have an apple.
As you like.
I'll mute it.
What are you doing?
A Marquise apple!
Did you do that?
But how?
It's amazing!
- It's an apple.
- Show me.
Not with a Granny.
Come on!
Giles, the music!
Let me see...
The music is pre-programmed.
Time to dance! Dance?
Follow my lead.
Forward..
Follow my lead.
Back,
Back, and forward...
To the right...
And the magic square...
Now!
I should go...
Are you sure?
In for the kill!
- Kiss her! You fag!
- Full tongue job!
Damn allergies!
PIease, get lost!
You're not hurt, Mark?
Kissie.
Kissie, kissie.
I love it when you growl. Turns me on!
OK, let's go!
Hi, I'm Giles.
What's your precinct, big boy?
It wasn't me! I didn't touch anything!
It was already switched on!
It was great!
Now she's back,
we need to get organised...
Explain this!
Wow, you're on here!
It was true?
We're off... We'll be downstairs...
Kissie you too.
They went into the wall!
Well my love, that's what ghosts do.
They go into walls.
My calculation for
the Great Passage is done.
The moment when your ghostly chums...
Ieave the world of the living...
is fixed for...
Tuesday July 7th 2706.
At 1.55.
That late, huh?
Or 2.55, if we give
up daylight savings time.
That's quite a wait!
We need more friends!
Girlfriends even!
Enough, Ivan!
You'll need to be very, very patient...
because 2706 is hardly next week!
I've thought of something!
This was once a nightclub!
A drink on the house?
Why all the Greeks on TV?
They're Romans! Ghosts!
They're here,
but only on-screen for you.
From Pompeii!
They were at the baths.
Mostly gay...
and they died in the eruption!
How did they get here?
By ship, with lava stones.
Dance?
I'm Gillus.
Concerning the baths...
I just went to wash.
I'm not...
a homo.
Nor me, Gillus!
Did you see Ivan?
No. No.
Weird cocktail!
No Curacao... I used tomato juice.
It's different but it's...
Hi.
Amazing! You look 20 years younger!
-Is he here?
- Right here. You can see him on the screen.
- Shaggy?
- Yes, Huggy.
He's saying...
I can read his lips... thanks, Mark.
"I'm here Huggy..."
"Here for ever..."
Dust in my eye...
- Having fun?
- I'm thirsty!
Hi! I'm her husband!
Fancy a drink?
How's my grandson doing?
Fine, Dad!
Bravo Mark! Well done!
No hard feelings!
Great club! Nice atmosphere!
Yes.
- A lot of fags here!
- Pardon?
- Lots of fags!
- I like it!
I like older men.
Yeah, but: "old rod, small rod!"
Let's be clear...
There's a pork-roast for 6 down there!
OK?
So beat it, Romulus and Remus!
- Have you seen Ivan?
- No.
Everything OK?
I can't find him.
- Who's Ivan?
- His friend: or ex!
Dave!
Yes!
You can see them? And hear them?
Sure.
So that means... you're not...
We need to fix that...
using the same materials...
Right. I'm off!
- Here's my drill.
- See you later.
No drills at work?
In construction, but unconstructive!
Thanks Dad.
Good one!
Thanks Dad.
Here.
Here's David.
Delivery man!
AIready here, babe?
Oh, my pussycat!
I'd for gotten you!
Look at your new house!
What's up, puss?
It's a pile of rot here!
The ceilings are original!
Easy to rip out!
Right, we'll have the charm removed!
For now, we've lots to do!
It's nice. I can't say I don't like it...
but you're miles from Paris!
How did you find it?
A will that Dad handled.
Empty for 30 years.
Did Dad put up the money?
No, we took out a 20-year mortgage.
Oh, yes!
Your pool table!
It takes up the whole room!
Put it in the cellar!
No way! It'll warp and go mouldy!
You break.
It's the only thing I brought!
Take it easy!
I'm a doctor, not a mover.
You drive a medics' truck.
You're happy to use the truck!
- And I'm on call.
- Oh yeah?
They beep you to park?
I need a beer.
Hot stuff, Mr Italy!
- Mark! Come quick!
- What's up?
What's the matter?
- Pretty fast!
- OK!
Wait! I was thinking about this room...
it's quiet, it's next to ours...
it's light, it's ideal for a...
Home cinema! Brilliant!
We black out the windows...
two speakers here! Great idea!
- Can we start now?
- Yeah!
Mark! Emma! I'm off!
- Bye.
- Have fun, babe!
She has gym class with Pablo,
her Cuban coach.
- I need a beer.
- On a Sunday?
Yeah, he works hard. Sundays too.
A great guy. Charges one hour,
but she stays all evening!
Right.
- I'm up at 5 for an early flight.
- Where to?
Pompeii. A new dig at the baths.
- Boring!
- For guys who like pool.
I didn't tell you...
It's never been excavated before!
Never open to the public!
Can you imagine?
Huh? Oh, yeah, that's great.
- Come with me.
- I can't. There's too much to do here!
Don't forget to put up the wardrobe!
OK.
Don't be long.
And the stairs...
fix that step! It's dangerous...
- and tidy up, OK?
- Maldini, shut up!
You're not sleeping here?
Come to our place.
Why? It's my home. I'm not scared.
Valerie would be pleased.
She really likes you.
Let's go!
Shame! A mile wide!
- I slipped!
- You choked!
Give me the chalk!
You blew it!
Isn't Emma anti-spliff?
So?
So you're deceiving her!
Not really.
Watch my retro shot.
Only one other guy can do it.
Was that you?
Right! A dirty trick!
Can you hear that?
Emma, can you hear it?
What?
The music!
What music?
There... that music!
Damn! It's scratched!
There's no music, love.
Not any more.
You were dreaming.
Carlos, how's tricks?
- Frank. Mr Trayner.
- You part-time now?
Sorry for the slight delay.
We just moved house.
- You know how it is.
- No I don't.
Be on time, or you're home
all day, every day!
Capito! As you say!
Absolutely.
Yeah, it's great!
We're working a lot.
It's really great! Wait...
- Later!
- What's that?
Patricians.
Washing.
No. They're buttfucking.
No question about it.
They're buttfucking.
Yes!
For fuck's sake!
What the hell is that!
Sorry!
- You? Here?
- It was open.
Emma's away. I thought I'd drop by.
I brought us a wee drink.
But no glasses in the kitchen.
So it's you.
What?
Taking photos of my ass.
Making dicks with pool balls.
Dicks with what?
You find it funny?
What are you on about?
Is something wrong?
No, I'm fine, me!
But what's your game?
Nothing!
I'm sorry... I was wrong about you.
I think so!
Right.
Bye!
Otherwise...
Don't tell Emma.
Yes. I mean no.
Yeah.
Quiet please!
Some of us are trying to sleep!
Thank you!
No reply, and she's in my bed.
Yes, sir.
He doesn't answer?
When the cat's away...
- What's up?
- I can't see!
I need a flashlight.
Shame Emma's gone.
You into chicks now? Bad boy, Ivan!
My men are waiting!
You can put it down now!
- Hello.
- Hi, love.
- It's me!
- Hi honey!
- I'll call back.
- We found a great mosaic!
- It's Justinian!
- Great! A mosaic! Super!
- I can't talk now.
- Did you do the wardrobe?
The wardrobe?
- Yeah. It's good.
- Wait...
Did you go out?
- No.
- You slept at home?
I'll call you back. Love you.
It's fine, it's all arranged!
Is somebody there?
I'd better not tell Emma. She'll freak.
No pool tonight, David.
Right, I'm scared of a good thrashing.
Emma's back tomorrow,
and I have to do...
the wardrobe!
Hang on!
Mark...
Modena.
Pavarotti's town?
Exactly!
Well, even cops love painting!
So...
Traces of a break-in?
No break-in.
No break-in? So what was stolen?
- Nothing.
- Hold on... Nothing stolen or broken?
- What did they do?
- Drawings and they put up a wardrobe.
They put up a what?
A wardrobe.
And the ironing. Even my jeans.
With a crease.
Phil!
- Listen, Mr Modena!
- I know...
It's terrible...
we can't fight gangs
doing wardrobes and ironing...
Right.
...but we're quite effective drug-wise.
I didn't see this.
But next time, I might!
Fine, that's good of you.
It's not even mine.
But I guess it was in my house.
Good night.
You scared me!
- It's you!
- You're not asleep?
- You put up the wardrobe!
- Yeah!
- You're hiding something!
- No, why?
Your mistress does your ironing?
In fact, I started doing it myself.
It's very relaxing.
I wanted to surprise you.
What's the matter?
- You hear that?
- What?
There... can you hear it?
No, I can't hear anything... come on!
"Ra-ra-Rasputin,
na-na-na love machine..."
If you're not in the mood...
No, I swear... Iisten!
It's scratched!
It's stopped.
Give up the joints!
Rubbish! I don't smoke!
OK, but you hear Russians,
singing: "Rasputin, etc..."
They're not Russians. It's Boney M.
I'm just saying, they're not Russians.
It's Boney M, black guys.
Mark, are you sure you feel OK?
Oh yes, you feel fine!
- You feel just fine!
- I feel very fine!
An ass like a docker!
CIumsy! She deserves better!
Forget the girl, Bert!
- There!
- What!
Ivan's dancing. Fancy a quickie?
There! The guy's ass?
-What guy's ass?
-There! You saw it! On the wall!
PIease, stop it!
A guy showed me his ass...
and asked if... I fancied a...
- if I wanted...
- Great! Was it a nice ass?
Did it turn you on?
What now? Come to bed!
I'm just going for some water.
What the fuck?
There you are!
What the hell's going on?
Come to watch the fags, eh?
Michael Raffin, gay and proud of it!
- Fascist!
- You what?
Where's your chick?
Got any blow? I'm all out!
He's all rumply!
Not hanging too heavy down there?
The material I mean! What's the fabric?
Enough! Be nice to our intruder!
I'm John, but my friends call me Shaggy.
- This is my fucking house!
- Have a drink.
That's my wine!
"My house!", "My wine". Chill, man!
A little green, maybe. No effect at all.
'76 is young, though. Needs to age.
So, Mark. We need to talk.
You're cool, but this is our home.
- Private.
- Your home?
Maybe we can help each other out.
You can crash here for a while.
Sure. Thanks!
We've been here for ages.
But we need a change.
- Any ideas?
- Out! Or it's the cops!
The boys in blue!
The boys in blue!
I prefer firemen!
I'm Giles. I'm a rep with BASF.
They're showing off. Fags!
I'm not. You know?
I just come to dance!
So dance away!
And take your pals with you!
OK?
OK?
You don't get it!
What's going on?
Don't worry, it's alright.
And the shovel?
Don't touch me!
- It's for them!
- There's nobody there!
Shut up!
You're drinking at night, now?
It's not me who's drinking, it's them!
They opened our wine. Stop it!
- Mark, you're insane!
- They opened our wine. Stop it!
Quiet!
- Call the cops!
- Quiet!
You're nuts! You're nuts!
What? You're nuts!
I'm nuts? So what do you call this, then?
A cellar.
Emma! You can see this shit!
OK. You're fun guys, and great dancers...
I don't care who you are...
but get lost! OK!
The boys in blue!
OK, great!
I'll call them myself!
It's always the same.
Never there when you need them.
Stop it, Mark! Stop it!
You saw it down there!
You're scaring me! You're mad!
Are you blind, or what?
You saw those guys!
- What's your game?
- My game?
Have you seen yourself?
What are you on? Booze? Drugs?
You need a shrink!
Of course.
You're calling a shrink now?
We'll see who's nuts!
David? Is this a bad time?
Yeah, but... wait!
Can you come over to the house please?
Can we turn the music down!
What's the big deal?
That!
The cellar?
You must help me! I see guys!
- Just guys, in the cellar?
- No! Everywhere!
In the shower...
kissing, showing their asses!
Kissing, showing their asses?
Kissing, showing their asses?
- You're gay!
- But David!
Either mad, or gay.
But see a psycho-thingy.
You're not a well person.
Take that to help you sleep.
- I don't like pills.
- But you're too stressed.
One every two days.
With a glass of water for one week.
OK.
So, I'll call you.
Bye!
"Just guys!"
Oh, it's you!
Pyjamas in the shower now!
Oh, yeah!
I forgot. Must be those damned pills.
Scared of being naked?
Not with you!
I mean...
I'm late! Gotta run!
Mr Trayner!
I know, I know!
You piss me off.
- I've warned you!
- Absolutely!
But trust me! I'll make it up!
Let's do it for Mr Trayner!
Hip-hip-hooray, let's build!
Hi!
What's that?
A cue-rack.
Ugly, isn't it.
- Dad didn't come by.
- No.
So how are you?
- Fine.
- Really?
Fine, fine!
You saw someone?
Yeah! But I'll tell you later.
Are you sick of me?
No, why?
Don't force yourself!
I can force myself a little!
He'll stretch the material!
- The fabric!
- OK?
Yeah, yeah!
Show your tits!
Shut up Ivan!
- Do you still fancy me?
- I do!
- Fuck!
- Mark!
Maybe we can talk now?
We've got a proposal for you.
- Help us escape!
- Get lost!
You're busting my balls!
That sounds like fun!
Get out!
Who're you talking to now?
Get out!
To those bastards!
Stop it!
What luck! It didn't break!
It wasn't luck. It should have broken.
- That guy caught it.
- Sure.
You can't see the guy in white?
- Stop it!
- Watch this!
Take a glass...
drop it...
and it breaks!
and it breaks!
- But he couldn't catch it! Wait...
- And it breaks!
- Wait...
- Stop it! Stop it!
Wait... watch again!
- Stop it!
- It's OK!
Now, you catch it. OK?
Yes!
You'll see!
I'm off!
You're mad!
This time we count down. Like NASA...
You're mad!
Ready? 3, 2, 1...
Idiot!
You're certifiable!
You didn't catch it?
You just want us out, no?
You're out, OK!
He wants to marry us!
Let's play tag!
Kissie-kissie!
Can't catch us!
- That you, Mark?
- Yeah!
It's taken!
Straight fascist!
She told you to fix the step!
You didn't hurt your thingy?
I can massage it!
Just helping!
Not that way!
Go ahead, make my day! Hit me!
Show me your thingy!
That's not a good omen!
Anyone home?
Emma sweetie! It's Dad!
Anyone home?
"Took the drill. Dad."
"LSD. Handcuffs..."
"Yum-yum"
Whacko!
Hurts like that, huh!
Don't fuck with me in my house!
What did you do?
I got one of them!
Dad! Are you all right?
Answer me!
Mr Chevallier!
Don't touch me!
What a savage!
And with just a shovel!
So butch!
I'm sorry.
For the insurance. Thanks.
You're staying with your Dad?
I'm leaving.
But you'll be back tomorrow?
You'll be back?
- Why?
- You attacked Dad!
I know, but... I love you!
Listen: it's over!
You cheat on me...
fantasize about men...
steal my panties and hear voices!
What?
She said you fantasize about men...
Shut it!
For the photographer!
Man or woman.
But I don't know...
I don't know who took it!
You're scaring me! I can't take this!
I'll see someone, tomorrow!
I thought you already had?
Yes, I went there but...
Iet's go back in!
Emma, I love you!
Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
A guy crying,
and with pecs like that...
makes your heart bleed!
There's something in my eye...
She's hot when she's mad!
- Shame she's gone!
- Enough, Ivan!
Straights and their tiffs!
I see men...
in my room...
in the shower...
in the cellar...
but, let's be clear:
I'm not homosexual, OK?
Of course not! What's your job?
Construction.
I'm a site manager.
A man's world.
Yes.
So you work exclusively with men...
Er, yeah.
That's interesting.
And these men...
I'm the only one who sees them!
Mr Modena...
You are the victim of hallucinations.
Fine. Why?
If we restrict our instincts,
or restrain our desires...
we may have certain visions.
When you say visions,
- what do you mean?
- Time's up. That's 45 euros, please.
Wait, wait!
If I get a change of scene...
or sell the house,
maybe that would help?
Change your head. That's the problem.
In cash, of course.
- I only have this.
- I owe you 5.
"GAY"
We'll delve into that next time.
Make a new appointment...
Listen to me!
But what can I do? My wife's left me!
I'm all alone!
You have homosexual fantasies.
Accept it.
Act upon it.
You'll feel much better.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
- Thanks.
- Never mind.
I've made tea.
I always said that boy wasn't for us.
For you, I mean.
Oh, look! I love it...
Valerie's such a space case,
she's left her gymbag!
I need to talk...
She's got a 15-day course in Cuba,
with her coach...
And she's the only girl!
David... I'm wondering if...
I might be gay.
Pass the crisps.
- Did you hear me?
- Gay. Yes. I heard. I told you that.
- So?
- So, nothing.
You're not my type.
Hey, take it easy.
That explains the guys in the cellar.
So who is it? A colleague?
- Who's who?
- Whaddya mean who?
Your boyfriend!
For fuck's sake!
It's Carlos, the Portuguese guy.
You guys are always... It's Carlos!
I knew it!
No boyfriend!
Right.
Carlos met your Dad?
- Are you deaf! I don't have a boyfriend!
- So you just screw around?
I've never screwed a guy.
You said you were gay?
- Yes.
- And gays do guys.
You can't generalise.
Not all gays do guys.
But... you do want to screw a guy?
No!
Screw your dumb questions!
I have to go: my grandma's 80th birthday.
Where's my tie?
Oh God!
Look, Mark!
I found this for V's birthday.
It's African or Columbian, maybe...
- I don't know where to put it.
- Nor me.
But you're gay! You should know!
Where would you put it?
In the cellar.
What did he say?
He didn't say anything.
Yes I did, Papa.
I said that maybe I was...
homosexual... or bisexual.
Phew! I was worried...
I thought you didn't like my tiramisu!
Your tiramisu's the best!
So you're a fairy...
You know, pre-war... back in Italy...
I had this beautiful neighbour...
- she was round and firm: an apricot!
- AIright, Mama! Enough already!
- We used to do it every washday.
- AIright, Mama! Enough already!
- Your father was kind and a good worker.
- What did gran say?
But useless in bed.
We have to help him.
No leftovers!
What did gran say?
We have to help him.
Any ideas?
This TV is all squashed!
I'll talk to him.
A proper discussion.
We can help him...
and he might help us escape.
What's that?
An article about hammerhead sharks.
Hammertit sharks!
Don't push me, Ivan, please!
I've grilled his jeans!
Have you seen the date?
It's 2006!
We've been here for 27 years!
I'm 60!
No.
My ex is mayor of Paris!
And when I was in Italy...
one night he wasn't home!
But Mark is the Latin type.
And?
He's hot-blooded.
He needs to play around!
I swore I wouldn't tell...
He even hit on me!
What? Mark?
I don't want to cause trouble...
Is that him?
Don't answer!
Don't be a sucker!
You understand?
"Accept it. Act upon it."
Excuse me...
I will have...
a Scotch!
On the rocks?
Right, no ice. Thanks.
Has everyone left?
At 12? It isn't EuroDisney.
Uh, Yes.
Can I get a light, please?
...and for a name?
Samuel or John, finally Mark.
That's funny: my name's Mark!
You done, Mr Suit 'n' Tie?
No, it's Modena.
Mark... never mind.
Straight bait.
Up my alley!
Time out!
Hi, I'm Mark.
Wanna go downstairs?
Yes, sure... why? What's downstairs?
Come, and I'll show you.
Easy now... The direct type, huh?
I'm more old-fashioned...
maybe we could talk?
You just give head?
I didn't catch that.
You only give blow-jobs?
I didn't say that! No way!
Maybe we can chat... first!
What do you do?
I'm active.
Yes, but in what?
In almost anyone. It depends.
Right!
So what sign are you?
I don't believe in all that
astral shit, but hey!
I like you. We're going to get along.
Terrific!
You OK?
Do you want something to drink?
Or a bite to eat?
I just want to fuck.
Your place?
My place is not a good option!
Outside then?
I didn't like it much outside,
the last time.
Stones, and bits of stuff, and thorns...
Stop it! Sorry, but I can't drive.
That's all.
Shame: no site keys.
You work on a site?
Site manager! A great job!
A challenge, I love it!
Have you got any work clothes?
The first time I felched
a Turkish builder...
Great! Great!
Park there, quick!
Talk Turkish to me!
- Turkish?
- Yeah!
Go on, go on!
Kebab!
More!
Galatasaray...
Fuck, you're a hunk!
OK. OK.
- Do me a favour?
- No, yes, it depends.
Do me a favour?
No, yes, it depends.
Put this on.
And get undressed.
Aren't you worried
someone will see us?
Sure... the squirrels.
Here, lover...
Dear God! It's unreal!
And it's all yours!
What?
Hi. It's our pal!
Freaky, huh!
- It's not mine!
- I can see that! No question!
Wrap it all up! Follow us!
Straights! Never again!
"New message."
"Trayner here. You were expected at 7.
Get a new job. Goodbye."
"New message."
"Mark, it's Emma."
"Dad's picking up his car tonight."
"Don't be there... please."
How are you?
Oh no! I'd forgotten!
We're having a Village People party...
we borrowed some stuff.
Damn visions!
He's obsessed!
See a shrink!
Change the goddamn song!
What time is it?
You're all worked up!
You need a bath and a massage.
Shut up!
Maldini! Dinnertime!
I need my keys.
Come in.
I'm sorry... it's so unlike me.
Just a misunderstanding...
Tell Emma...
Definitely.
Thanks.
Gentlemen...
Kissie!
"Gentlemen?"
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Who were you talking to?
Who was there?
Those fellows...
What fellows? I'm all alone!
You're crazy! The Indian, the cop...
the motorbike guy...
That's great!
- That's great!
- Crazy!
"L'Am - bi - gu" What is that?
Colour TV for the straights!
Damn allergies!
Must be puss!
"Franz, let's get married!"
Princes but no queens!
"I love you, Franz!"
"Don't call me Franz!"
- Change channels!
- Switch it back on! We want the Princess!
And the Prince!
"Tragedy at club. 5 dead."
Baby!
Smoking!
No effect at all!
Come on!
Pass the ball!
"Tr.z.guet shoots!"
Tr.z.-gay? Who are these guys?
We'll never win with the B-team!
Where's Janvion and Revelli?
Or the new kid, PIatini?
France always sucks at soccer!
We have won 2 Euros and a World Cup!
Leave the footie!
Let's talk.
Did you hear that, girls!
- He wants to talk!
- Look.
We're in the newspaper!
Let's see!
"Explosion at 2 in the morning..."
That's mine.
"Five victims' bodies were not found..."
"due to the blast..."
"caused by a short-circuit in an
overheated bubble and foam machine!"
I get it now.
April 13th 1979...
Huggy's surprise birthday party...
he was thirty...
my partner!
You come out at night...
stay young...
We're fags, right?
- Yes. No. I was going to say ghosts!
- What a genius!
We walk through walls and don't age...
you could have asked us!
Anyway...
Emma's Dad sees you, so I'm not alone...
And I'm not mad, and not gay!
Happy now, are you?
He's glad not to be gay!
Yes!
Maybe I can win back the woman I love!
"Ghosts"
Brilliant!
I'm coming!
...so if you think you can help,
call me back. Thanks.
The very man!
You lost your job: you're in deep shit...
So? suicide?
What?
Well you're gay, your wife's left you,
you're jobless... it makes sense.
Bullshit!
I'm not gay.
Shame, it was kind of cool.
Did you tell Emma?
I left 100 messages...
Oh shit! Like a beer?
It's me...
I went for my car.
- You OK?
- Yeah.
Move on, Emma. I saw Mark.
- Really? How is he?
- Seems just fine!
Having a little party a kinky costume do!
Going out?
To work. I can't sleep anyway.
Mark!
Christ!
Stop going through walls!
It's creepy! There are doors!
Doors means... never mind.
You know...
the pal who never showed up...
can you try and find him?
His name was Henry Burns.
But I called him Huggy.
He ran a bar in the Rue St Anne.
The love of my life.
I'll do what I can.
- Huggy?
- Huggy.
Right... We're going to dance.
Thanks.
What's up?
It's Ivan! He's dead!
- Yes, I'm dead!
- My baby's dead!
- It's Ivan! He's dead!
- Of course he's dead! You're dead too!
You're all dead! So what?
Not again! You need locking up!
You need locking up!
You're seriously whacko!
You're seriously whacko!
I'm talking to gh...
to friends you can't see.
Cut it out!
How about a demo?
Leave it to me!
What?
Just watch!
Ready?
Lets' go!
Nice move. My turn.
Nice move!
Did you see that?
You think I did that alone?
What planet are you on?
Huh?
OK, guys. Reset.
You shoot now. You'll see.
Holy shit!
Is that them?
Wow!
They're good!
It's like a flying sea-snake!
Oh shit! Are they there?
I've got pretty balls, huh?
They see me?
Is he playing with a full deck?
They think you're cool.
Howdy!
That's a cue-rack! Over there!
Do they live here?
That's the problem...
Good evening, Mr Modena.
A classic case.
What our German friends call
"poltergeists".
"Noisy spirits".
You say they died violently,
without a proper burial...
they behave strangely...
are prisoners in this house...
... and appear at night?
Absolutely.
What are you doing?
To imprison such spirits...
one needs an area of consecrated ground...
... enclosed by 4 holy stones.
We need to find those stones.
I should have taken the barbecue sauce.
Get me some.
Hey! Get it yourself!
David... please.
And for dessert, a fudge McFIurry.
Do it for me!
Great!
It's OK.
He has a cuckold's chin...
a prominent forehead
and a thick neck an obvious cretin!
Right... find me those stones!
It's manual labour... not too hard...
even for you.
I hate him.
It's mutual.
You can see them? And hear them?
Let's go guys!
"This house was built
on a Templars' shrine..."
"and the 4 imprisoning stones represent
the 4 corners of the old torture chamber."
"When the Order was repressed..."
"the Templars were slain..."
"at this precise location:
your house..."
"and the former club."
SIow going! Careful, Mark.
OK. There!
The stones represent the limits
of the ectoplasmic perimeter.
Your chums' "prison".
If I move the stones...
they move too.
One barbecue sauce!
I don't want it now. Where's my dessert?
Thanks, David.
I don't want it now. Where's my dessert?
Here!
So if I put the stonesat
each corner of the country...
they could go anywhere?
That's impossible.
The ectoplasmic zone is fixed.
It can't be enlarged.
So they will never leave?
Oh, but yes!
The poltergeist state is just one step
preceding reincarnation and...
the Great Passage.
What's that?
Like in that film: "Hell-house".
Every 700 years, there's a big hole...
and guys fall in.
So you liked that fine documentary...
But then, you have flat lobes.
I'm going to play pool.
When is the Great Passage?
It can be defined.
I can do that.
But I am intrigued...
Some people...
can see them...
others cannot.
Yes, I agree.
Be quiet!
I need to think.
We know that Casanova's ghost...
appeared only to virgins.
To no-one else. Why?
Because he lusted after virginity.
Thus, if we see them...
others do not,
it is for the same reason...
Virginity!
That doesn't work. I can see them...
- and I'm no virgin.
- With a man?
Ah, in that case...
Myself too!
And what fantasy...
inspires every pederast?
You and I!
Attractive hetero males to convert!
That makes sense.
Emma's Dad and I can see them...
but she can't.
Exactly.
Impure contact with a man
means virginity is lost.
So you can't see them.
Are your toilets clean?
Yes.
Where?
I'm coming.
AII right, guys?
I'll kill the fascist!
No, we need him!
It's bedtime, OK?
For you!
We're stuck here because of the stones!
Why don't you put the stones in the car
and go for a drive!
He's right!
We can't leave the perimeter,
but we can move it!
Mark can drive us and the stones...
I wouldn't, if I were you.
We'll do what we like, pal!
You're not giving orders!
How do we do it?
We can't even touch the stones!
- Come and party with us!
- I'm off!
I'm really not in the mood.
Early night for me.
Be cool, Mark!
We'll never see
what's become of the world.
But we can't force anyone to be generous.
Don't worry, Mark...
We'll still help get Emma back.
Kissie!
Bastards!
OK. But not for long.
I'll have to move the stones!
Hurry up!
I have a question for you...
why doesn't David see the ghosts?
Think about it. There are two cases.
Either you're pure... or you're not.
Leave the old fart!
Good night, Mr Modena.
Let's go, Mark!
- You'll drop me off?
- Sure.
Party time!
Who put a stone by the brake!
- I did. Don't move.
- What's he doing?
OK! I've got it.
Put the radio on!
- Yes, the radio!
- 2 seconds!
A serenade for Paris!
Sounds good! Is it new?
- Turn it up!
- That better?
- Yeah, cool!
- Yes.
Why don't you come?
V's probably waiting.
And tomorrow at 6...
I have to examine the firemen.
- A whole squad in their boxers!
- Invite her.
Having their nuts squeezed!
You want to come? It's near your house.
Thanks... but no thanks.
- See you!
- Meet you!
They all say bye.
Hey, Mark?
What?
Maybe we could stop by?
- Maybe we could stop by?
- To see the firemen!
What?
What's the problem? Firemen are cool!
Firefighting is important!
- Right!
- It is!
And hunky firemen?
What are you talking about?
Admit it! You're a fag!
You want to check out firemen
because you're gay!
You hear that, Mark? That's a good one!
Me! Gay! It's preposterous!
- Gay, gay!
- Stop teasing Benny Hill!
Paris is still so beautiful!
Michael! The Mayor's place!
Where are we going?
The Marais!
The Marais!
- What's there?
- Surprise!
Gay driving schools!
Gay restaurants!
Gay bookstores!
Gay hairdressers! Gay gays!
It's the Promised Land!
Take a smaller table!
When the place fills up, I'll move. OK?
What can I get you?
Beer? Beer? Yes?
Thanks.
The joint's empty!
It's not EuroDisney!
- Euro-what?
- What's EuroDisney?
Oh, right.
A funfair in the suburbs
with Mickey Mouse.
Why doesn't David see you?
I'm sure he's not gay. Everyone's gay.
Heterosexuality is a bourgeois scam.
And all straights are latent gays!
We're either gay or fascists! Yes?
You piss me off!
What about tolerance and difference...
do they mean nothing?
With his Peace and Love pendant...
a bigot!
You're right. He's talking rubbish.
David! He touches dicks!
Firemen's dicks!
That's the reason!
He touches other people's dicks!
That's why he can't see you!
Of course, that's why he can't see you!
He touches firemen's dicks!
And so he can't see you!
That's great! No problem!
Brilliant! I'll call him!
Move the stones!
Mark! The stones!
At work, you touch dicks!
That's why they're invisible!
I'll call back.
That's me, there.
I've changed!
No, I recognize you.
I know the person beside you.
Impossible.
He passed away a long time ago.
Huggy?
Only one person ever called me that!
You're too young.
How did you know?
I know?
What's up guys?
Don't move!
Sir! Sir!
Your order!
Any longer outside,
and they're in limbo...
I wouldn't like to be in their shoes...
- Your order?
- Quarterpounder with cheese.
I'd just leave them there.
But if you want to save them, it's simple.
Put the stones back in the house.
The timing is vital.
They must always be back by 1.55.
The time of the explosion
during their debauchery.
Like Cinderella...
they're Cinderellas!
You!
Cinders with their own balls!
Napkins are extra?
They're in the bag, sir.
Don't worry! It'll be OK!
It's alright! Don't worry!
Wait...
I'll be back! Don't move!
Emma!
Emma! Unbelievable!
Don't you get my messages?
I'm fine! I'm cured!
It's complex, but I'll explain!
We'll be home in 2 minutes!
PIease!
Forget me.
Good luck. To you, and your wheelbarrow.
Fuck! Emma!
Are you OK?
Are you OK? Nearly there!
Sorry.
Our pal! Running red lights now, eh?
- You like prison food?
- It's an emergency! Really!
AII wasted too!
AII right, girls! Get out!
Phil... who are you talking to?
He's all alone.
Yeah... it's just me.
The 5 fairies back there!
The 5 what?
What?
Who?
Take a vacation, Phil!
It's OK, Phil... move along now...
Bye Phil!
Are you nuts?
You know how it is.
Don't touch me!
Better now?
AII right, baby?
Thanks, Mark.
"Emma..."
"I'd like to explain..."
"but otherwise,
your stuff's in the hall."
"Mark"
Don't put a crease in the jeans.
You'll get all rumply at work!
Work is history!
But that's not the problem never mind.
This is nice, eh?
OK, Mark?
Yeah, yeah.
"Love is a science..."
"you my guiding hand...
I hear your silence..."
"and try to understand...
Did I love you badly?"
"My angel, sweet and brutal..."
"Pure and clear and perfect..."
"a jewel made of crystal."
Who is it?
Is it for me?
Mark.
I got your letter. I just wanted to say...
- "It's lovely."
-Yeah?
"Especially the end."
The end?
"Your stuff"?
"I hear your silence..."
"It's beautiful."
- Must be a mistake...
- Jean Cocteau.
What?
Jean Cocteau.
You like poetry?
Oh yes...
We should talk, don't you think?
Of course. Talk and meet...
- Invite her to dinner!
- Get her over here!
Maybe we can... have dinner?
Finally!
- Next week!
- Tonight!
Tonight?
I'll be there in 1 hour.
Me too. I mean, I'll be waiting.
Who forged my handwriting?
Thanks, guys!
It was me, Mark.
I only wanted to help.
So I took the letter...
Thanks, Shaggy!
You're brilliant! Thanks!
What time is it?
That's on your broken watch. It's 20.15.
Do me a favour, guys.
- Leave me and Emma alone tonight?
- OK, but...
OK, but... you want your wife back, right?
Exactly!
The way he looks, he has no chance!
Hardly a babe-magnet!
He's right: always rumply!
But he works, or worked, so hard!
No time for taste!
I worked for BASF for ten years...
- and was always more than alluring!
- But...
- Listen.
- Enough with the witchtrial!
So he's frumpy! And straight!
That's how it is!
Is it innate? Who knows?
We can't all have dominant mothers...
and meek fathers! It's not his fault!
The concept of tolerance...
means nothing to you?
- Is Perry Mason done?
- Stop it!
We'll help you!
Let's get to work, girls!
Give me a hand!
No.
No.
I think I'll do the icing!
This material!
Wait, Giles!
This might work better!
Facial toner! Such penetration!
Easy, boy!
Good evening!
It's changed! It's so much bigger!
We... I took out the pool table.
It creates more space.
- You did all this?
- Yes.
By yourself?
Yes.
I did the step!
That's pretty.
Fairy lights! They light up!
Sit down.
Make yourself...
at home!
Mark! It's ready!
Two more nibbles!
Did you shag her?
The tomato umbrellas!
That's enough!
- She'll notice!
- Dressed to the nines!
She'll love you!
Yes.
Next!
You're back already?
You did all this?
Yes.
- It's lovely!
- A minimum of effort.
Everything OK?
Ask about her job.
So, how's work?
Well, the Pompeii job...
is a bit boring.
Well, "Pompeii isn't Carthage!"
Well, "Pompeii isn't Carthage!"
Carthage?
That's for sure.
You weren't into that stuff before?
- "Hannibal,
- "Hannibal,
- the city walls,
- the city walls,
- the Antonine baths..."
- the Antonine baths..."
I got so laid there!
I got so... it's great!
Pompeii, Carthage those Persians, huh!
Idiot! Wrong answer!
The Persians?
Really! Fancy some wine?
I'm fine.
You're different.
I'm cured. I'm better now.
It's all sorted.
It's as if you'd changed.
For the better.
I like it.
Dessert is served!
Dessert is served!
AIready?
I mean, I made dessert, and it's ready.
Superb!
- Cake?
- Is that the cake?
I supervised!
I'd never have guessed...
- It's great, fantastic.
- Thanks.
But, I'm sorry...
- I have to... She'll notice.
- But... my icing!
That was my icing!
Sorry!
- He ruined my cake!
- Be strong!
- He ruined my cake!
- I know!
I know!
It's sort of...
Chocolate!
No, really, it was delicious...
it was a great dinner...
I'll have an apple.
As you like.
I'll mute it.
What are you doing?
A Marquise apple!
Did you do that?
But how?
It's amazing!
- It's an apple.
- Show me.
Not with a Granny.
Come on!
Giles, the music!
Let me see...
The music is pre-programmed.
Time to dance! Dance?
Follow my lead.
Forward..
Follow my lead.
Back,
Back, and forward...
To the right...
And the magic square...
Now!
I should go...
Are you sure?
In for the kill!
- Kiss her! You fag!
- Full tongue job!
Damn allergies!
PIease, get lost!
You're not hurt, Mark?
Kissie.
Kissie, kissie.
I love it when you growl. Turns me on!
OK, let's go!
Hi, I'm Giles.
What's your precinct, big boy?
It wasn't me! I didn't touch anything!
It was already switched on!
It was great!
Now she's back,
we need to get organised...
Explain this!
Wow, you're on here!
It was true?
We're off... We'll be downstairs...
Kissie you too.
They went into the wall!
Well my love, that's what ghosts do.
They go into walls.
My calculation for
the Great Passage is done.
The moment when your ghostly chums...
Ieave the world of the living...
is fixed for...
Tuesday July 7th 2706.
At 1.55.
That late, huh?
Or 2.55, if we give
up daylight savings time.
That's quite a wait!
We need more friends!
Girlfriends even!
Enough, Ivan!
You'll need to be very, very patient...
because 2706 is hardly next week!
I've thought of something!
This was once a nightclub!
A drink on the house?
Why all the Greeks on TV?
They're Romans! Ghosts!
They're here,
but only on-screen for you.
From Pompeii!
They were at the baths.
Mostly gay...
and they died in the eruption!
How did they get here?
By ship, with lava stones.
Dance?
I'm Gillus.
Concerning the baths...
I just went to wash.
I'm not...
a homo.
Nor me, Gillus!
Did you see Ivan?
No. No.
Weird cocktail!
No Curacao... I used tomato juice.
It's different but it's...
Hi.
Amazing! You look 20 years younger!
-Is he here?
- Right here. You can see him on the screen.
- Shaggy?
- Yes, Huggy.
He's saying...
I can read his lips... thanks, Mark.
"I'm here Huggy..."
"Here for ever..."
Dust in my eye...
- Having fun?
- I'm thirsty!
Hi! I'm her husband!
Fancy a drink?
How's my grandson doing?
Fine, Dad!
Bravo Mark! Well done!
No hard feelings!
Great club! Nice atmosphere!
Yes.
- A lot of fags here!
- Pardon?
- Lots of fags!
- I like it!
I like older men.
Yeah, but: "old rod, small rod!"
Let's be clear...
There's a pork-roast for 6 down there!
OK?
So beat it, Romulus and Remus!
- Have you seen Ivan?
- No.
Everything OK?
I can't find him.
- Who's Ivan?
- His friend: or ex!
Dave!
Yes!
You can see them? And hear them?
Sure.
So that means... you're not...