Polyester (1981) Movie Script

Hello, moviegoers.
I am Dr. Arnold Quackenshaw.
And I'm here to explain to you
the wondrous screen gimmick, Odorama.
Odorama will enable you, the viewer,
to actually smell,
right from your movie seat,
some of life's most fragrant odors.
The producers of this film
have unselfishly spent
untold millions of dollars
to develop this startling process.
And I...
I have been locked away
for many years in the laboratory,
experimenting with
this mind-boggling project.
I would like to share with you
some of my research.
All right, first of all, this is the nose,
the most prominent part of the human face.
It bears the nostrils
und covers the nasal passages.
We all have one, this nose.
Call it what you will...
sneezer, schnoz, beak,
smeller, snout, schnoot...
it all means the same thing.
Through this nose comes some
of life's most rewarding sensations,
und we plan to share with you
some of the most beautiful odors
known to mankind.
this same nose is also responsible
for bringing us some odors
that are rather repulsive.
We have not shied away
from this distressing fact.
You will experience some odors
that may shock you,
but the producers of this film
believe that today's audiences
are mature enough to accept the fact
that some things in life just plain stink.
All right, now this is the product
of our endless experimentation...
mmm, the Odorama card.
The card is actually
quite simple to operate.
Just listen carefully
und follow my instructions.
When a number appears on the screen,
that is your signal
to scratch und to sniff
the same number on your Odorama card.
Ja? Hmm?
Use anything you want to scratch it.
Use a key, a coin.
Use your fingernail, hmm?
Number one. Ahh.
Now sniff it, number one.
Yeah, see? You get it? You smell it?
Yeah, it works.
By God, it actually works!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Odorama. Ja?
See the houses
Look at the trees swayin'
In the cool breeze
Oh, what a lovely street
It's a dead end
Hey, why don't you come on in?
French provincial
They do their best to stay neutral
And expressionless
Come on upstairs
Meet yourpolyester queen
You know about abundant women
Well, this girl only aims to please
Outside there's a load
Ofnoisy neighbors
Upstairs there's a polyester squeeze
This is your life, Francine
Smell the fragrant perfumed means
Darling, my dreams
You're the polyester queen
- Francine
- You're the polyester queen
- Francine
- Purelypolyester Francine
- Francine
- Purelypolyester queen
- Francine
- Purelypolyester Francine
- Francine
- My Francine
Down with smut! Down with smut!
Down with smut! Down with smut!
The porno king!
Smut king! You bought this house
with the profits of porno!
Our children are going to hell
because of your theater.
What have you got to say to him?
Children under 12 $1.50.
Please show Benji!
Please show G-rated movies!
Garbage and filth!
Elmer, thank God you're home.
Get off of me!
Why haven't you notified the press?
Think of the publicity!
The theater will be packed tomorrow night.
Oh, Elmer, please don't call the press.
It's bad enough already.
All the neighborhood women spit at me
when I'm in the shopping mall.
You wouldn't be in the shopping mall
if it wasn't for my theater.
- Oh.
- Hello? Channel 12 News?
This is Elmer Fishpaw, 538 Wyman Way.
- Oh, please.
- I'm the owner of the Charles Art Theater.
I thought you might want to send
a minicam crew to my home.
Minicam? Elmer, please! Please!
The Citizens for Decent Films are
violently demonstrating on my front lawn.
Oh, Elmer,
there are more of them out there.
I'll never be able to show my face
in church again!
I'll be excommunicated because of you!
Stop that yammering and fix me a drink.
- Oh! Oh.
- What do we love?
- What do we hate?
- Filth!
Down with smut!
Here, Bonkers. Here, Bonkers.
Ah, here's little Bonkers.
Bonkers is Daddy's little baby.
Bonkers knows who's boss in this house.
Here, Bonkers.
Give me a little kiss, Bonkers.
That-a little doggie. Little doggie!
You are so cute, Bonkers.
Oh, Elmer, that dog stinks to high heaven.
You'll be permeated by his odor.
Yeah? Well, this whole world stinks,
Francine, so get used to it.
You and that big nose of yours
are starting to get on my nerves.
Snorting around the place
like a goddamn anteater.
I've about had it with you.
- Give me that drink!
- Yes, dear.
Hurry up!
- What do we hate?
- Filth!
Lu-Lu, dinner's ready!
I'll be down in a minute.
Dexter, honey, dinner's on the table.
Elmer, dinner's served.
I'm in here waiting for it!
Elmer, let's try and have
a pleasant family dinner.
Let's try be kind to the other members
of the family.
I'll try, Francine,
but don't go riling me up.
Choose your words with care,
and I won't get riled.
Yes, dear.
Oh, Lu-Lu, your hair looks so pretty.
I know.
Dexter, did you do your homework, honey?
Sure, sure.
Can we say grace? Can we at least do that?
Bless us,
O Lord, for these thy gifts
which we are about to receive
from thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord.
Don't answer it!
It's a TV crew!
I'll handle that. You all stay here.
Mr. Fishpaw, would you step out, please?
Why, certainly.
Mr. Fishpaw,
I'm Jerry Holland from Channel 12 News.
Um, I was wondering,
could you make a comment
on this demonstration against
your X-rated movie theater?
I'll show any movie I wanna show.
This is a free country, isn't it?
Our current attraction is My Burning Bush.
We have shows daily at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00,
8:00 and 10:00.
Leave us alone!
Please, leave us alone!
My family hasn't done anything to you.
I'm a good Christian woman!
No. No. No! No!
Two, four, six, eight!
All that free publicity!
I can't wait to see the 11:00 news.
- Excuse me? Excuse me?
- What the hell?
Excuse me. My name's Freddy Ashton.
I'm sorry if I caught you at a bad time.
Uh, I have a date with your daughter,
She didn't say anything to me
about a date.
- It is a school night, you know?
- Yes, ma'am, I know.
We're going to work on our term papers
together down at the library.
You take care of this, Francine.
I'm gonna fix myself a big drink
and get into bed.
I've got a big day
counting money tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Mr. Fishpaw.
Have a nice night!
I think it's disgraceful the way
your neighbors act, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Very kind of you to say so, Freddy.
- Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.
I-I didn't get your last name.
You're not by any chance
a friend of Bo-Bo Belsinger's, are you?
You see,
because Lu-Lu's forbidden to see him.
Oh, no, ma'am.
Ooh! Ah!
Hi, Freddy.
Where did you get that outfit?
I borrowed it. Do you like it?
That's a new garment, Lu-Lu.
I can smell it.
Have you been shoplifting again?
I bought it with money I saved.
What money? You don't have a job.
Boys at school give me money.
- For what?
- For dancing at lunch period!
You dance lewdly for the boys
at lunch period?
For a quarter I will.
Stop that dancing.
Don't be upset, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Puberty brings on
strange behavior in adolescents.
I'll take good care of her.
Have a nice night.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Bye, children. Don't be late.
It's a school night.
Freddy, drive carefully.
- Lu-Lu, you have 15 cents to call home?
- I sure do!
Okay. Well, be a good girl. Bye!
Daddy, Daddy
Lu-Lu, you look so nice tonight.
Oh, Freddy, you're so polite.
We're gonna have such fun.
Oh, my baby
Okay, birdbrain,
it's gonna cost you ten bucks.
Pull down by the golf course.
Lu-Lu, don't try to shock me,
because it's not gonna work.
We're going to the library to study.
Too cheap, huh? Come on. Get this moving!
Lu-Lu, stay on your side!
Give it some gas! Give it some gas!
See you later, chump.
we'd better be getting to the library.
You ain't going anywhere
with this little lady, faggot!
I believe I had a date with her, Bo-Bo.
Get lost, moron!
See you later, Freddy!
Ah, go on! Get out of here!
Yeah, shake it all!
You can do better than that.
- Hot damn! Yeah!
- Ready?
- Shake it, Lu-Lu.
- Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Yeah. Yeah!
- Come on, yeah.
- Come on, girl.
- Hey, hey, hey. Look what I got.
- All right.
Let's go downtown and play some pool!
White honky!
You crazy cracker!
What's wrong with these children of today?
Don't he know he just hit one
of the sisters of the church?
I'm sick and tired of what
these children are doing.
What the... What the...
Help! Help!
Hey, I didn't do anything.
Don't stop.
Baltimore Police today
reported they had no suspects
in the Baltimore Foot Stomper case.
Described as a thin, white teenage male,
the stomper struck twice this week,
seriously injuring the feet
oftwo Baltimore women.
Come on! Where's my footage?
...Betty Lalinski, a waitress at
the White Coffee Pot Restaurant,
was released from the hospital today
and talked with Channel 12 News.
Some people think this is funny,
but I have three broken toes
to show for it.
Did the stomper say anything?
Come on! Come on! Where's my footage?
He didn't say nothin'.
He just stomped on my foot!
- ...more important.
- In other news...
Shut up. Here it is.
...picketed the home
ofMr. Elmer Fishpaw today.
Mr. Fishpaw is the owner
ofthe Charles Art Theater,
a local X-rated movie house.
Two, four, six, eight,
X-rated movies we all hate!
One, three, five, nine,
G-rated movies are mighty fine!
The pickets,
led by Mrs. Jeannette Smies of Towson,
feel he should change the theater's policy
by showing only G-rated family movies.
Well, his theater caters to sex offenders.
We visited the Charles Art Theater today,
but were unable to find a ticket buyer
willing to be interviewed on camera.
Sir, would you like to comment
on the movie you've just seen?
Excuse me, sir. Pardon me.
Would you like to comment on the movie?
Excuse me, sir. Pardon me, sir. Would...
Pardon me, sir.
Would you like to comment on the movie?
Mr. Fishpaw,
when contacted by Channel 12 News...
- Here I am!
- ...responded to the protesters.
I think that my theater helps stop rape.
Mrs. Fishpaw, however,
refused to talk with reporters.
Oh. No! No.
Oh, I've never been so humiliated.
In other news,
a member of the Charles Manson family
escaped today
from the California Institute for Women
at Frontera, California.
- That's all?
- She was identified as...
They didn't even give the showtime.
I have never been so embarrassed.
Yellow journalism, that's what it is.
Oh, God. It's not fair.
What the hell are you doing?
Saying my prayers, Elmer.
Asking God to forgive you
for showing dirty movies.
I don't believe this.
I got a goddamn nun for a wife.
Oh, I'm not in the mood.
Oh, Sandra. Oh!
Oh, Sandra. Easy.
Easy, San... Easy, Sandra.
Oh, Sandra.
Oh, Sandra.
The White Gables Motel?
Get up, Francine, you big oaf.
I want some breakfast.
What time is it?
Time to get that fat ass out of bed.
That's what time it is.
I guess I'll have to fix my own cereal.
- You pig!
- You're the pig!
Sit up straight.
Why don't you let that hair grow, boy?
You look like a fruit
with that short hair.
Why don't you drop dead?
You're just asking for it.
How's my baby doing in school?
I learned all about my cervix
in sex education class yesterday.
I gotta go.
Me too.
Good morning, darling.
I don't know why I slept so late.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you later.
I got a busy day.
Oh, Elmer.
I'm in the little girl's room, Mother.
Can't you do that later?
I don't have all day, you know.
I'm missing valuable shopping time.
Mother, please, I'll be out in a second.
I don't know why you bother.
You've always retained your fluids.
Hello, Mother.
Good Lord, Francine.
You've put on another 20 pounds.
Au revoir, Heintz.
Should I go to the Laundromat now, madame,
or wait for you?
You can go now, Heintz. I'll...
...if I need you.
As you wish, madame.
Ooh, it's Cuddles.
Good Lord, Francine.
Don't you know it's bad luck
to let retarded people in your home?
Call me a cab this instant.
But, Mother, she's my best friend.
Your best friend?
She was your cleaning lady, Francine.
Are you that unpopular that you seek out
the social company of your maid?
But she's not a maid anymore, Mother.
She inherited a great deal of money
from a family she used to work for.
Money or not...
Oh, the injustice of it all.
She was a scrubwoman.
Give her car fare, a ham at Easter,
but for God's sakes,
don't hang around with her.
Are you going to call me a cab,
or do I have to walk?
Yes, Mother.
Good God.
- Hi, Francine.
- Hi, Cuddles.
You remember my mother, La Rue?
Well, well, well. Offwork so early?
Scrubbed out
any interesting toilets lately?
Mother, please.
Thank God, my cab.
Oh, Cuddles, I'm so glad you're here.
Francine, I'm in a heavenly mood today.
I just got my second installment
of my inheritance.
Let's celebrate.
That calls for a big lunch.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
This house is just like
Architectural Digest, Francine.
Thank you, Cuddles.
Oh, Cuddles,
I've been so depressed lately.
Well, you should get out more.
Bachelor cotillions, parties,
country clubs.
I've been on top of the world lately
with my debutante party coming up.
Oh, Cuddles,
you're too old to be a debutante.
Just because you've inherited
a lot of money
doesn't mean that you're suddenly
socially prominent.
I've already rented the hall, Francine.
November the 10th.
It will be a beautiful affair.
Every little detail will be perfect.
I wish I could be more like you, Cuddles.
Always optimistic.
I look into my future,
and all I see is a long, dark highway,
filled with endless tollbooths
and no exits.
I'll be quite blunt with you, Cuddles.
I think my marriage is on the rocks.
- Hello?
- Hello, Mrs. Fishpaw?
This is Sandra Sullivan,
your husband's secretary.
Elmer asked me to call to let you know
that he won't be coming home tonight.
- He's been called out of town on business.
- I see. I see. Thank you.
She fell for it.
Oh, God, what she must look like.
- Want to see a picture of her?
- Oh, God, yes.
- This I gotta see.
- The bitter truth.
Elmer, she's an absolute cow.
Elmer, I have something to show you.
You know what these are?
Yes, sirree.
Oral contraceptives.
They'll suppress my ovulations
through hormones.
I got something for you, Sandra.
- I got condoms.
- Ooh, wow!
Red-hot prophylactics.
- Black, your favorite color.
- Oh!
Oh, go, honey.
Oh, Elmer, you do that so good.
Come on, honey.
Move for me, baby.
Maybe he really did go out of town,
No. No, he's having an affair
with his secretary, and I have the proof.
Look what I found in his pocket.
A Master Charge receipt, dated yesterday
from the White Gables Motel.
I'll get it, Francine.
Oldhay onay.
For you, Francine.
Mrs. Fishpaw? This is Mr. Cur,
principal of Overly Junior High School.
Hello, Mr. Cur.
Is Dexter ill today?
Why, no, Mr. Cur. Dexter's in school.
I'm afraid he's not, Mrs. Fishpaw.
Dexter's truancy problem
is way out of hand.
And the Baltimore County School Board
have decided to expel Dexter
from the entire public school system.
Why, Mr. Cur, I'm as upset as you
to learn of Dexter's truancy.
But surely expulsion is not the answer.
I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer.
It is the opinion of the entire staff
that Dexter is criminally insane
and a hazard to the safety
of the other students.
We have no choice. I'm sorry.
- Good day, Mrs. Fishpaw.
- Hello? Mr. Cur?
Hello? Hello!
Dexter's been expelled from school.
- For what?
- For truancy.
It's just those common
Baltimore public schools.
God, I wished I lived in Connecticut.
The principal said that he was insane!
He's probably out playing polo
with his friends.
Oh, Cuddles, do you think there is
something wrong with my son?
Help! Help!
Oh, my God, help!
Is anybody gonna help me?
If my son does have emotional problems,
I can only blame Elmer.
Oh. Oh, Cuddles,
go to the White Gables Motel for me
and call me if you see his car.
- Oh, you mean like a spy, Francine?
- Yes.
You got yourself a deal.
Ah, my goodness.
Hurry, Heintz.
Emergency, emergency.
Hurry, Heintz.
Don't ask any questions.
Make a fast right. Circle the block.
Head straight to the White Gables Motel,
and hurry.
Yes, ma'am.
Hurry, Heintz.
Lu-Lu? Lu-Lu, is that you?
Lu-Lu? Oh. Hi, honey.
Oh, Lu-Lu.
Home from school already?
Unfortunately, yes.
Did you have a nice day?
Lu-Lu, your mother is speaking to you.
Did you have a nice day?
I'm trying to clean in here.
- Oh.
- I got my report card today. Wanna see it?
Have you done any better this time?
Lu-Lu, you have failed
every single subject again.
Oh, no, Ma.
They changed the grading system.
"F" is for "fantastic."
You little liar.
It's a good thing you're not Pinocchio.
Your nose would be a mile long.
I swear to God on the Bible it's true.
Stop that lying.
I got voted president
of student council today.
Liar mouth.
- I'm a cheerleader too.
- Liar, liar.
I'll tell you another thing, Mother.
I quit school today,
and I'm gonna get me a job as a go-go girl
down at the Flaming Cave Lounge.
You'll work at the Flaming Cave Lounge
over my dead body.
Now you go to your room,
and you stay there until I call you.
Oh. Oh!
I'll work where I wanna work.
You've never worked a day in your life,
you fat cow.
I'm not gonna stay in this stinking house.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
He's my daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy
He's my daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy
Ooh, daddy
He's my daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Hi, honey.
Hey, baby.
Come here.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
I hate this place.
All right.
Oh, you're all beat up.
Ah, it ain't nothin'.
Any sign of him, Heintz?
Not yet, madame.
You devil, you.
You wait till I get in that room.
Oh. Oh, I can't wait, honey.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, you hurry up now.
Oh, Heintz,
she's straight from the gutter.
A sporting girl, I would imagine.
A fille de joie.
It saddens me that you have to see
anything this common, madame.
Poor Francine.
Poor, poor Francine.
In other news, James Lenew,
accused of the August 9 bombing
ofthe Maryland Censor Board office,
has pleaded "notguilty"
in federal court today.
And thisjust in, folks.
The Baltimore Foot Stomper
has struck again.
Baltimore County Police report
the stomper has attacked
a Mrs. Shirley Evans just
a few minutes ago at the Crock Field Mall,
and Channel 12 News was there.
I don't want to be on television!
My foot. Not now. Ow.
Mrs. Evans was rushed
to the Mercy Hospital shock trauma unit
for emergency treatment.
Many Crockfield Mall shoppers
witnessed the attack.
I seen it, man. I seen
this weird-looking dude run right out
and stomp on this honky lady's feet.
Police released
this composite sketch today
in the hopes that someone
could identify the stomper.
Ifyou have any information,
police have asked citizens
to call the Stomper hotline.
Just dial "STOMPER." S-T-O-M-P-E-R.
You'll be ready
for the back seat in a minute.
Trash! Don't touch my daughter.
- Take your hands off my boyfriend!
- That's my car.
- That's my car.
- Come on. Come on!
Hit her, Bo-Bo. Hit her!
No! No!
Don't hurt him!
That's what you deserve,
you big, fat galoot!
It was nice beating you,
Mrs. Fishpaw.
Dexter, are you all right?
Dexter, what's wrong?
Dexter, talk to me.
Dexter, it's your mother.
Dexter, what is it?
- What's wrong, honey?
- Mom.
Dexter. Dexter, what are you doing?
Oh, Dexter.
Do you want to see a psychiatrist?
- No! No!
- Well, I'd like you to think about it.
Dexter. Oh, Dexter.
Oh, honey. Honey.
Oh! Oh!
You had better watch yourself, young lady.
You're going to be in real trouble.
Well, Mother, I guess I should tell you
I'm two months' pregnant right now.
You're what?
I'm knocked up, and that's that.
Who did this to you?
Bo-Bo, the man I love.
I'll never allow you to marry him.
Marry him? Are you kidding?
I'm getting an abortion, and I can't wait.
I cannot take another heartbreak.
I just cannot take it.
Do you think I'm made of steel,
Miss Lu-Lu?
- Hello!
- He's here, Francine.
At first, I thought he was walking a dog.
Then I realized it was his date.
I'll be right there.
God, Francine,
hasn't he ever heard of the Hilton?
Wait till I get my hands on him.
They went down that way,
but I don't know which room.
I picked up her scent already.
Cheap Midnight in Paris perfume.
I can smell it anywhere.
This is it. Hold this.
One, two, three...
- Oh!
- What the hell?
- Coitus interruptus?
- Get out of here, Francine.
Caught you, didn't I?
Right in the act of adultery.
Well, I won't stand for this, Elmer.
I want a divorce.
And a big,
fat settlement to go along with it.
You'll never get a penny out of me,
you fat hunk of cellulite.
I only support the women I love.
See these rings?
Guess who bought them for me.
If you want, you can look at my clothes.
They're the finest of polyester,
and I didn't pay for them.
Don't worry, Francine.
I hear every word that this scag says,
and I'll testify in court.
Come on, Sandra. Get dressed.
Let's go to some snazzy cocktail lounge
and celebrate my new freedom.
But, Elmer,
what about Dexter and little Lu-Lu?
Those two little bastards
are a perfect argument for birth control.
Children would only get in the way
of our erotic lifestyle.
You piece of trash!
- You'll hear from my attorney.
- Sooey!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, Francine, don't worry.
You'll get another man.
Don't worry. Everything will be all right.
Take it easy on that sauce.
Don't drink too much, Francine.
Oh! Oh.
Hi, Ms. Fishpaw. This'll be 14.88.
I didn't order anything.
But this is 538 Wyman Way, isn't it?
I didn't order anything.
It's just my husband harassing me.
Please leave me alone!
Wait a minute.
Come on, lady. Open up. It's getting cold.
Yo, pizza.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Leave me alone.
Having a little wake-up cocktail?
Your father has been
tormenting me all morning.
That's no excuse. You big drunk.
What do you think you're doing?
I need money for a cab.
Have you forgotten today's
the day for my abortion?
there's a living thing inside of you.
Oh, Lu-Lu, have the baby.
We'll raise it together.
We'll get a little bassinet
and some Pampers.
Oh, Lu-Lu, that baby is part of you.
It's stealing part of me, you mean.
I can feel it like cancer,
getting bigger and bigger like the Blob.
One day, it'll rip me open.
And it'll be there in my life,
ready to rob me of every bit of fun
I deserve to have!
Oh, Lu-Lu! Lu-Lu!
Look at yourself.
You better get yourself
to an alcoholics' meeting
before you end up in the poorhouse.
What's in the bottle, Mother?
Your beloved booze, Francine.
Want a little scent?
Please, don't torture me, Mother.
I need a drink.
Want some, huh?
You see what an alcoholic you are?
You'd even drink gasoline
if it was in a bottle.
You stink like an alcoholic.
Positively disgusting!
Francine Fishpaw lives at 538 Wyman Way.
She weighs 300 pounds and is an alcoholic.
No. No.
She eats an entire cake at one sitting.
You should see her stretch marks.
Because ofher drunkenness,
both her children are delinquents.
She's the hairiest woman
I've ever laid eyes on.
What's the matter, ma petite?
Speak English, Cuddles.
Please, speak English.
You want a little drinky, Franciney?
Oh, God. Help me up. Please.
You're so cute when you get tipsy.
Oh, Cuddles, I am an alcoholic.
Well, you should get out more then, honey,
and forget your silly-nilly problems.
You got to get me
to the alcoholics' meeting.
I'll take you to your club meeting,
But first, you're going shopping with me.
I simply cannot stand another day
undecided about my debutante gown.
I've got to get to the alcoholics' meet...
Oh. Heintz! Heintz!
Hurry, Heintz. Hurry.
Hurry. Come on. Come on, Heintz.
Oh, Francine.
At your service, madame.
Mrs. Fishpaw and I have decided to go view
the new Paris creations, Heintz.
I would like it if you would help me
get her into a more presentable outfit.
Yes, madame.
Come on, Francine. We're going shopping.
Mrs. Fishpaw, come. Let's go.
This way, Mrs. Fishpaw. Upstairs.
Let's go upstairs, Mrs. Fishpaw.
- Upstairs?
- This way. Yes, ma'am.
Look at this dress, Francine.
Isn't it ra-sha-sha?
It's very pretty, Cuddles.
Oh! Oh, a Halston!
How au courant.
I'm going to try this one on too,
and I'll be right back.
Oh! This place is glamorous!
Oh, hurry.
I don't want to be late for my meeting.
Damn these designers.
Oh, shoes.
Madam, you will simply have to
leave this store immediately,
or I will be forced
to call the security guards.
You're really gauche, madam.
A regular little cochon,
and that means pig.
- Oh!
- Come on, Francine.
I see we should have gone straight
to Peck & Peck after all.
Hey. Hey!
Call the police. Police!
Fellow members,
we have someone new with us tonight.
Her name is Francine Fishpaw,
and she's an alcoholic.
Francine, come up here and witness for us.
- Step up there, now.
- Come on.
Come on. Move it. Come on.
I-I really don't know what to say.
Say it! Say it! Say it!
Well, my name is Francine Fishpaw...
And? And? And?
And I am an alcoholic!
Ms. Malley, we're all ready for you.
- Yes.
- Now, don't be afraid.
This'll be all over before you know it.
I guess I made the right decision.
Don't have this abortion!
- How does it feel to be a murderer?
- Killer! Murderer!
Babies wanna live too, you know.
Suppose Einstein's mother had an abortion.
- No!
- Or John F. Kennedy's, huh?
- No!
- What if Mary and Joseph had an abortion?
- What then?
- Pro life! Pro life! Pro life!
That's from Jesus.
That's what he would do, you murderer.
Thank you, Heintz.
No! Stop it!
You're going to hurt yourself.
Stop spying on me!
Leave me alone!
Lu-Lu, stop it.
Yes, I need the number of
the Home of the Shepherd's Flock.
Lu-Lu, stop it.
Thank you.
Lu-Lu, stop.
Home of the Shepherd's Flock.
Yes, this is Francine Fishpaw
of 538 Wyman Way.
I need an unwed mothers' home.
My daughter is pregnant and trying
to induce a miscarriage.
We'll be right there.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
She's in the living room.
Thank God you're here.
It's all right, Lu-Lu. It'll be okay.
Get in there.
Oh, you can't do this.
Oh, my back.
Instead of rosary tonight,
we have a special treat planned for you.
- We're all going on a hayride.
- A hayride?
Bring proper clothing
and proceed to the wagons immediately!
Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts.
Somebody help me.
Stop this faking.
Prostitutes and devils' witches
lose their babies.
Pray with us, girls.
Open up. We have a search warrant.
Knock it down.
Let's go.
Check everywhere.
I know the evidence is around.
There's gotta be some kind of shoes here.
This whole family is sick, man.
Rip it off. Let's take a look.
- Oh!
- Mrs. Fishpaw,
I have a search warrant
signed by Judge Solomon Wise
to search this entire house.
For what?
Your son's been arrested for being
the Baltimore Foot Stomper.
- Dexter?
- Come on, Jack. Let's search the house.
- Lookee here. Lookee here.
- Look at this. Look at this.
- It's sick. Sick.
- Can you believe this?
- He is the Foot Stomper.
- We got it.
- I knew it.
- This stuff will hold up.
- You can take it downtown.
- What is your name, sir?
Are you related to Dexter Fishpaw?
- Are you a member of the Fishpaw family?
- What's your name?
Are you aware Dexter's been arrested?
Anybody home?
Oh, God, why has thou forsaken me?
Come on. We're going on a picnic.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, Francine.
Oh, Cuddles, Elmer sent the fire trucks.
Bravo! Bravo!
Good work. All right.
Nice going. Nice going.
- Bravo! Bravo!
- There she is!
Get out of our neighborhood.
Gosh, Francine.
Maybe we'll get on TV tonight.
Oh, no!
Want some hooch, Francine?
Oh, God.
God, Francine.
You're the most drinking-est gal
I've ever seen.
Oh. Oh, Cuddles,
maybe I should get out of Baltimore.
God, Francine, there must be a God.
Everything is so beautiful.
Oh, you gotta have some faith, Francine.
Everything will be all right.
Oh, this is nice.
Come on. You'll help me
with the tablecloth, will you, Francine?
Come on. Let's sit down.
Look, Francine.
Tab for our diet.
Ain't that great?
Look. Cups.
And, ooh, sandwiches.
happiness is a picnic in the woods.
God, look around you, Francine.
Look at the nature.
Look, Francine, it's beautiful.
Oh, Francine, I got ants in my pants.
I smell something.
I smell something. What is it? What?
- A skunk, Francine.
- A skunk! Oh, my God!
Well, isn't that something?
The divorce has finally come through.
2,000 a month and the house.
Time for us to move in
on that pot of gold.
Someone's at the door.
I'll call you when I get home.
Trick or treat.
I'm sorry,
but I don't live here
and no one else is at home.
What, no candy?
I'm sorry, but I forgot it was Halloween.
You know what no candy means, don't you?
Halloween just slipped my mind this year.
That means trick.
Stop it! Stop it! Leave that alone!
Stop it! Stop that!
Stop it!
Lady, when we say "trick or treat,"
we mean it.
Kill her, Bo-Bo.
Next time you won't be so selfish
and ignore little children on holidays.
Maybe we have an apple or something.
- Too late now, Grandma.
- No.
- No candy means death.
- No. No.
Let's destroy this place!
See you later.
Bo-Bo! Oh, God!
They killed my Bo-Bo!
- Good night, Francine.
- Good night, Cuddles.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Don't forget to wash your clothes.
Have a peaceful night, Ms. Fishpaw.
Good night, Heintz.
Oh. Oh. No!
It's all your fault.
No, no!
No, God, please. Not my baby.
No, no.
Oh, God, not my little girl.
Hi, Mom!
Dexter. Honey, you're home!
Oh, honey, let me look at you.
I'm sorry for the grief I caused you,
but I'm rehabilitated now.
I had a wonderful
drug counselor in prison,
and I received psychiatric treatment.
I am an artist now.
Oh, honey. It is beautiful.
We'll hang it right in the living room.
We can put this one in the kitchen.
I'm saving this one for my room.
Would you like some milk and cookies,
Oh, I'd love some, Mom.
Come on, honey.
I bet that food in prison
was just terrible.
I sure missed your home cooking, Mom.
Oh, honey.
There's no place like home, honey.
Wow. Everything looks just the same.
It's so good to have you back.
- Mom, are you still drinking?
- Dexter...
I'm afraid your ma's an alcoholic.
Oh, Mom, you could stop.
I got off the angel dust.
I-I... I wanna stop.
Just pour it down the drain, Mom.
I want to.
I want us to be happy again,
like we used to be,
before your father abandoned us.
I love you, Mom.
Go ahead. You can stop.
Oh, Dexter.
You don't need it anymore.
You'll be much happier.
Oh, honey,
today is going to be a new beginning.
We're going to be a real family again.
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, Dexter.
Welcome home, Dexter.
Hello, Lu-Lu.
Will you give your brother a kiss?
Dexter, forgive me for being so awful,
but I've changed.
Bo-Bo's dead, and I've had a miscarriage.
- That's awful.
- But I've discovered macram.
It's helped me find myself.
I'm gentler now and more creative.
I'm an artist now too, Lu-Lu.
I'm off drugs and ready for
a new beginning here at home.
Oh, you see, children?
It's not hard to be normal.
Oh, thank you, God.
Thank you for answering my prayers.
We're a real family again.
A normal American family.
- Oh!
- Oh, Mom.
Hello, Mother. Feeling any better today?
How can I feel better
with a drunken miser as a daughter?
Shut up, Mother!
For 44 years,
I've tried to be a good daughter to you,
and all I've gotten in return is abuse.
I've given you money...
thousands and thousands of dollars...
and still it's not enough.
Well, I've had it.
You can rot in that wheelchair
for all I care.
The pain, the pain. My heart.
She's giving me a heart attack.
Oh, God, help. Help.
Pull over here. Pull over here.
Stop the cab. Stop the cab.
- Here?
- Yes, yes, right here.
I'll stay here.
Here. Keep the change.
Hey, come here. Come here.
Come here!
Really horrible, isn't it?
Oh, those poor people.
Did you see it happen?
Yes, I saw it happen.
I was following that van,
and that other thing cut right in front.
- Wham. Hit it head-on.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
- It was really horrible.
Oh, it is. It's just too horrible.
I can't look.
Hey, you know... You know,
why don't we take a ride in the country
and get away from all this mess?
I mean, it's a beautiful day,
and I find you quite attractive.
But... But I don't even know your name.
It's Todd, honey.
Todd Tomorrow.
Hi. I'm Francine Fishpaw.
Francine Fishpaw.
It's a beautiful name. Fits you well.
- Hey, I got something I want to show you.
- Yes?
- It's long.
- Ooh.
- And it's sleek.
- Ooh!
And it's powerful.
Ooh! What is it, Todd?
- It's my new 'vette.
- Oh!
Hop in, honey. Ha.
We're off.
We met
We spoke
Our love became infinity
Our timeless fantasy
One boy
One girl
Deeply and honestly
Our real life fantasy
The first
Good thing
To happen
To Francine
If I break a nail, you're really never
gonna hear the end of this one.
I'm gettin' sick and tired
of all your complaining.
All you do is complain,
complain, complain.
Well, you'd complain too,
if you had a boyfriend like you.
Why don't you get a decent car?
- Get the thing closer.
- I'm working on it!
- You expect me to do it all?
- Get back to work, Elmer.
Get going. Get going. Hurry up.
- Why don't you go back to Francine?
- We ought to go catch 'em.
He's got some good taste in cars, anyway.
Mm-mmm. My, what a nice place.
Oh. Oh, it's such a mess.
I'm so embarrassed
for you to see it like this.
- Would you like to meet the children?
- I can hardly wait.
Oh, okay. Follow me.
Hi, Mom.
Lu-Lu, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine, Mr. Todd Tomorrow.
- Todd, this is my daughter, Lu-Lu.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi, darlin'.
Let's go meet my little Dexter.
Well... I don't know.
Oh, come in. Hi, Mother.
Hi, honey. This is my little Dexter.
He's a creative artist.
Dexter, this is my friend,
Mr. Todd Tomorrow.
- Put it there, young feller.
- How you doing?
Hey, I-I seen you before.
I seen you before on TV.
I seen him on the news.
- Dexter was just released from prison.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice. Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
And that's nice too.
That's a real masterpiece.
Yeah. Do you like it?
You bet.
You keep up that good work, you hear?
I will, Todd.
Why don't you show me your bedroom, honey?
- Mother, may I?
- Yes, you may.
Oh, Todd, I've had a bad year.
Please don't be too harsh
in your judgments.
Well, it's exquisite.
Look at me.
Read my lips.
I love you.
I'm sorry I'm so nervous.
It's just that my husband's
been harassing me every day.
I can't help it.
I'm afraid he's going to kill me.
I crave liquor right this minute.
Easy does it, baby. One day at a time.
I ache... I ache all over.
Let me kiss away your dt's, honey.
I love you, Francine.
I love your little ankles
and your little wrists,
your little breasts, your little belly.
Oh, Todd. Dare I say it?
I love you too, my darling.
Then let's make love,
you sweet little thing.
Oh, Todd, be gentle with me.
Please, be gentle.
Time to wake up, honey.
Did you sleep all right, my darling?
It was bliss.
- Are you my little fleshpot?
- Mm-hmm.
Will you marry me?
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I want you to be my wife.
Oh, Todd.
Of course I'll marry you,
but can you afford to take us on
as a family?
Hell, yes, I can.
I own the Edmondson Drive-in Cinema.
You do?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, Todd.
Visit our concession stand.
We feature beluga caviar,
succulent oysters, and champagne.
Take a tempting taste treat,
and ponder the intellectual
meaning ofcinema.
Well, what do you think, sweetheart?
Ooh, it's very highbrow, Todd.
We only show first-run art films here.
You wait here a sec
while I check them receipts.
Okay, but hurry. I don't want
to be late for Cuddles's party.
- Hey, what's happenin', Todd?
- Hi, darling.
- Right there.
- How you doin', my man?
- Not bad.
- Here. Here you go.
- Nose candy.
- Yeah, sweets for the sweet.
- Whoa-ho-ho!
- Freebasing!
Do it, Todd baby.
Go get her, honey.
Right after I blast off.
Whoo. I got a date with an angel.
Thank you, thank you.
And now,
the moment we've all been waiting for...
that lovely lady herself... Miss Cuddles.
Whoo! Whoo!
I have something for you, my dear.
What is it, Heintz?
Oh, Heintz, it's beautiful.
Cuddles, will you marry me? Please?
- Oh, Heintz.
- Aww.
I'll marry you, Heintz.
Oh, Heintz.
Thank you, Cuddles.
I could've danced all night.
Oh, God!
Todd? Todd?
Oh, God!
Let's keep love in the family, honey.
No! Not my mother!
- No!
- Let go of me.
- Hey.
- You monster. You monster!
You've been a good old wagon, Francine,
but you done broke down.
Here's a present for you, daughter dear.
Something for your nose.
This will make you feel all better.
What's going on?
Let's go.
No! No! Leave me alone!
Killer! Killer! Killer!
He's dead!
What the hell is goin' on here?
I never wanted to use macram to kill.
Why, it's Elmer!
Her lousy cheap husband.
He was tryin' to kill Francine.
Nonsense, La Rue.
What the hell you talkin' about?
Francine done it.
She's the one who killed him.
What are you doing to Mother?
Shut up, you little slut.
She's gone insane,
and we're putting her in a mental hospital
where she belongs.
I'm-a take care of them little creeps.
Hey, Flashlight! Get on over here!
Okay, Todd baby!
Hey, man, the chickens ready?
Take that little whore down to
the massage parlor where she belongs.
And as for you, bunghole,
you got an appointment
at the House of Torture
with some very dirty old men.
All right, chickens, move it!
No! No!
Does this mean the wedding's over, honey?
Why, I do think she's havin'
a little nervous breakdown.
I better call the mental hospital.
- Shut up.
- Right.
Stop that nonsense.
Happy Hills?
This is 538 Wyman Way.
Yeah, you'd better send some
attendants here right away.
We got this thing, this big thing.
This woman's had a breakdown.
Yeah, she's committed a double homicide
on her husband and his girlfriend.
Yeah, right. Thank you.
Shut up.
- Hey.
- Thank God I'm rid of her.
She'll be locked up for life.
I'll drain her bank account
and sell the house.
And I can get $5,000 for each
one of them little creeps.
And if I sell that drive-in, whoo,
we'll be rich.
Let's move to Miami.
Finally, I can get my face-lift.
I want a Cadillac too.
A big purple Cadillac,
so I can ride around
and laugh at poor people.
I'm gonna get me one of them
solid gold leisure suits,
and I can just strut around
that Fontaine Bleu lobby.
Hoo-hoo. We're gonna be happy in Miami,
La Rue. Happy.
Rich and happy, Todd.
Free, white, rich and happy!
Hot damn! Ha!
Oh! Help me. Help me!
Come on, come on.
Help. Oh, God, please.
- Somebody help me.
- Francine, shut up.
I feel so wonderful.
Heintz, look out!
- Oh!
- Ach du lieber.
Oh, no! No, Heintz.
Holy Jesus!
See you chickens later.
Oh, my baby.
It's all right.
They were gonna kill us!
It'll all be all right, Francine.
- Everything's going to be all right.
- It's going to be all right.
- I was nervous.
- Everything will be all right.
Nothing's right, nothing's right.
It's going to be all right.
Ah. Oh, smell. Oh.
Oh, everything smells so much better now.
Shh. Shh.