Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Movie Script

MAN: E, E, E, E, E.
Then I would go to, like, a G. And
these are all just power chords.
Hey, how you doing? You're tuned
in to Style Boyz television.
I'm just sparking up.
Style Boyz radio hour.
Sparking up this French fry.
I am French Fry Guy.
No! French Fry Guy!
I am French Fry Guy.
Not again!
Style Boyz.
(SINGING) Me likey that
When a genie grants wishes
About girls blowing kisses
And your momma doing dishes
Me likey that
Where to start?
Ever since I was born,
I was dope.
TILLY: Honey.
Oh, my gosh, sweetie!
CONNER: I loved music,
and as soon as I could,
I started a band with my two
best friends, Owen and Lawrence.
The Style Boyz.
Right away, people noticed us
because our lyrics were beautiful
and insightful, poetic even.
(SINGING) You're a motherfucking,
titty-sucking Two-bailed bitch
With a popcorn pussy
And a full-on dick
Style Boyz in the house
And we give a fuck
So whip out your nuts
And shut the fuck up...
QUESTLOVE: The thing
about the Style Boyz
is that their chemistry and their
friendship was really authentic.
You know, you could tell that they
were really friends with each other.
They were hot.
CONNER: Before you knew it,
we signed with a major label
and put out our first
single, Karate Guy.
One, two, three, four.
(SINGING) I like to kick
it, I'm a karate guy
Kiya, Kiya
Karate Guy?
Are you kidding me, man?
That song changed my Ne.
Now I'm in a cowboy hat
Yee-haw, yee-haw
Now I'm in a cowboy hat
Yee-haw, yee-haw
Now I'm in three cowboy hats
USHER: Kid Contact. He handled
the beats and the music.
Kid Brain, you know,
he did all the lyrics.
And then, Conner,
he was the charismatic one.
The one who brought it
all together.
You tell me you didn't see him
and say, "Yo, he's the star."
CONNER: Things definitely
started to get complicated.
I couldn't help it
if the world chose me.
Take one.
You want me to look here?
Pretty funny, right?
CONNER: Be original.
Be fearless.
I love my White Butt Jeans.
As my star kept burning
brighter, some stood by me.
Others couldn't take the heat.
CONNER: We broke up
the next day.
I went solo,
and Owen became my DJ.
Lawrence quit
the music biz altogether.
And our DJ, Francis, moved
to Japan to hunt dolphins,
like a dickhead.
But it turned out all of that
was just a blessing in disguise
because it turned me into
I dropped my first album. And
what can I say? It was a smash.
And I owed it all to my fans,
who I share everything with.
Yo, brushing my teeth.
Yo, I just ate a taco.
It's Conner's Confessions,
hoverboard edition. (LAUGHS)
Oh, fuck.
Yo, just got my butt waxed.
That shit hurt.
He's painfully honest with his fans,
probably too honest, really, like...
But they love him for it.
Yo, just jacked it.
Um... Feeling pretty
mellow right now.
Doink de doink.
ALL: Doink de doink.
Doink de doink.
I think he's incredible.
He really is the real deal.
CONNER: My fans and me, we're in love.
My songs are love letters,
and the arena is our bedroom.
The stage...
The stage is where we fuck.
Watch out Watch out...
It's Conner!
(SINGING) Bar none,
I am the most humblest
Number one at the top
of the humble list
My apple crumble is by far
The most crumblest
But I act like it tastes
bad out of humbleness
The thing about me
that's so impressive
ls how infrequently I
mention all of my successes
I poo-poo it When girls
say that I should model
My belly's full from all
the pride I swallow
(SINGING) I've got it all
And I'm getting more
Adam Levine's hologram!
But I never fall Beat them all
you know I'm so humble
So expensive.
I'm so humble I'm so humble
I'm not your normal
definition of a rock star
I don't complain
When my private jet is subpar
Your mom's old But I'll
ask if she's your sister
People say I'm charming
But I beg to differ
I feel more humble
Than Dikembe Mutombo
After a stumble left him
covered In a big pot of gumbo
I guess, in a way, being
gracious ls my weakness
People say I'm so
unpretentious For a genius
ADAM LEVINE: I've got it
all And I'm getting more
But I never fall Beat them all
'Cause you know I'm so humble
CONNER: I say that
with no ego.
ADAM: I'm so humble
I'm so humble
Watch out Watch out
I'm So Humble, I instantly
connected with that
because I'm probably the most
humble person that I know.
HARRY DUGGINS: Yeah, well, it's a
pretty exciting time right now.
Conner's second album, his
second solo album, CONNquest,
is dropping in two weeks.
And then we go
on the world tour.
Harry, get in here, man.
HARRY: I've been Conner's manager
since back with the Style Boyz.
It used to be the four of
us riding around in a van.
But, uh, with success, our family
had to get a little bit bigger.
Sure, Conner surrounds himself
with people who are agreeable.
I wouldn't call them
yes men- EDDIE: Whoo!
EDDIE: Money!
ALL: Oh!
It went in! It went in!
You a murderer, son!
Well, Conner currently has 32
people on his personal payroll.
He has a personal assistant, a
party coordinator, an ab trainer,
basketball coach,
an eyebrow specialist,
sneaker jockey,
two umbrella Wranglers,
a weed roller, a weed holder, a turtle
sitter for Maximus, scarf caddy..
(GRUNTS) ...a guy who
punches him in the nuts
so that he remembers where he came
from... (G ROAN S) You're right.
A perspective manipulator...
Oh! That's a guy who's, uh,
slightly shorter than Conner
who he pays to stand near him at
events to make him look taller.
You know, back in my high
school days I was in a band.
You may have heard of them, called Tony!
Toni! Tone! Tonee?
We broke up over
creative differences.
Each Tony had an exclamation
point after their name,
and I thought my name
should have a question mark.
So it would be Tony!
Toni! Tone! Tonee?
In hindsight, it was
not my best decision,
but that led me to Conner.
So who's laughing now?
Here you go, buddy. Ow, dude!
You bit me, Max.
This is my best friend Maximus.
My mom gave him to me
when I was nine years old,
like, right after my dad died.
I feel like he's, like, the
closest thing I've ever had
to, like, a little brother
or something.
If I had, like, a mute brother
that was hella scaly.
As a hatchling, the doctors said
that he had been diagnosed
with soggy bones syndrome
and that he was not gonna make
it past, like, six months,
but that was 20 years ago.
(WHISPERS) You're my best friend.
Don't tell Owen.
Come on up here. This is
Owen's world right here.
This is where
I keep all my gear.
This is one of the earliest synths I
ever got. It's a DX7. This is a classic.
Oh, Conner's show? No, no. In
Conner's show I just use this.
It's a iPod, 60 gigs, so, you
know, I can fit the entire show
and, uh, plus, like, a bunch
of dope audio books, you know.
year three at Hogwarts,
and Harry was worried it
would never get any easier.
Harry P.
You know, a lot of
people ask me that.
They say, like,
"ls it weird for you
"to be playing
the background now
cause, you know, you used
to be in Style Boyz?"
And I always say,
"No, man, not at all!"
Because I... I could never do
what Conner does, you know?
Look, I'm a perfectionist-
My first album sold four million
copies, so this one has to sell more.
And that's why
I take this so seriously,
you know, and I live
for this music.
And... (SIGHS)
It can't go away.
That's why I personally wrote
every song on this record,
and I used over 100 producers
for just 17 tracks,
to guarantee
that they're all hits.
I made a lot of the beats
on the first record,
but on this one Conner said he
really wanted to branch out.
It's good for him
to grow, you know.
And, also, I played him a bunch of
my beats, and he was like, "No."
What's up, y'all?
Got a hot new single coming.
It addresses some social issues
that I think are being ignored,
so keep your eyes
peeled for that.
We're gonna be surprise-releasing
it next Thursday at noon...
And that's it.
It ain't right
I'm not gay But if I was,
I would want equal rights
I'm not gay But if I were,
I would marry who I like
It's not fair I'm not gay
That the government has a say
In who can love who, not gay
Or to which god you
can pray I'm not gay
It gets me so angry On behalf
of them, I feel passionate
Not gay So I pray for
them, and I say for them
We need to make a change Not gay
I see it clear as day This
area is not gray, titties
We need equality
And for all to see
That this is the new way Not gay
Just seems, not gay
Wrong, not gay
That no one seems to care Sports
We can't continue to pretend
This not gay madness
has to end Not gay
I was born this way...
You were born your way...
Gay or straight, Straight or gay
It's all okay...
It's time to make a change...
Time to stop the hate...
'Cause who you are is beautiful...
Not gay...
Lying in bed next to 10
beautiful girls All straight
And while I made
love to every one of them
I was thinking about
the world Hot wings
True love trumps all Predator
Flying kicks, not gay
Big watch, not gay
Missionary, one love Gym
socks, nunchuck, not gay
Lighter fluid,
HD, ninja, world peace
Four-wheel drive,
gay marriage, love beave
Free love, golf club, two guys,
not gay, rainbow, muff dive
Harvey Milk, Sean Penn, not gay
Drum solo, courtside
seats, safe sex
One-armed pushups
Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm not gay I'm not gay
I'm not, not, not gay
I'm not gay
I was born this way...
I'm straight...
You were born your way...
You're gay...
Gay or straight, Straight or gay
It's all okay... And now it
time for sexual freedom for all
Time to make a change...
Sexual freedom for all...
Time to stop the hate...
Sexual freedom for all...
'Cause who you are is beautiful
Sexual freedom for all, not gay
He's writing a song
for gay marriage.
You know, like it's not allowed.
It's allowed now.
Usually, I don't like to read
reviews, but I'm just excited.
Like, I can't... I can't wait. I
wanna know how people feel about it,
and I wanna know how much they
love it, so, uh, here we go.
Well, it's Pitchfork-It's...
They gave it a negative review.
No, like it's a negative four out of 10.
Positive 1 O, I assume.
Pitchfork can be kind of
pretentious, though, sou.
You ain't gonna knock my hustle.
Let's look at another one. Let's
pull it up. Rolling Stone-
Okay, um... Out of
four possible stars,
Rolling Stone has
given it the shit emoji.
I can only assume
it's a mess-up, you know.
They must have had
a problem with their, um...
No, this seems like the right score
for how they're saying this.
You know what?
Let just do a search.
"CONNquest review."
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
"CONNquest a triumph."
That's a good one. Let me read it.
This is on The Onion-
So, you know, mixed.
Let's call it mixed reviews.
BIG BOY: So first you're in a group-
You introduce us to the Style Boyz,
and Donkey Roll, of course, we play
the hell out of that. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. That's a hit for us, man.
And then, Conner, you get
that breakout moment.
You get a phone call
from Claudia Cantrell.
The one and only.
And she asks you
for a verse, man,
on her song Turn Up the Beef.
Turn up the Beef
Throw your body on the flame
But you take that moment,
and instead of just,
like, kicking
a regular verse... You
know what I'm saying?
You did something
a little different.
The "catchphrase" verse,
as it's now known. Yeah.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
I had been working on a catchphrase...
But what had happened was I
just thought of so many dope ones
that I was like, "What if I
put them all into the verse?"
(SINGING) Turn up the beef
CONNER: It's Conner, bitch
Yeah, he said so many words
I didn't know.
That was
a game-changing moment.
Usually one
catchphrase in a hit.
He dropped, like,
30 on us in one night.
Shit was crazy.
Immediately, I said, "Man, this guy
right here, he's gonna make it big!"
Because when you have
a catchphrase,
the world is catched
by your phrase.
BIG BOY: You fast forward.
Things start to happen, man.
You get the Pop Music
Award, and now,
here come those
offers of a solo contract.
CONNER: Yeah. How'd the other
Style Boyz feel about that?
You know, they took it fine.
Owen is my DJ and my best friend.
That's good, man.
And Lawrence lives
on a farm now, so...
Hold on. Lawrence
Dunn is a farmer?
My name is Lawrence Dunn.
I used to be in the Style Boyz.
Now I'm a farmer.
Being out here in nature,
away from all the people and
the trappings of modern life,
it's so peaceful. There
nothing like it. Ohm!
I've never been happier.
Uh... So, yeah, this is,
uh, all my woodwork.
It's kind of my passion,
uh, my hobby.
This is a nice piece.
It's called
Government in Crisis
for obvious reasons.
This one's a mask.
It's still me.
It's a hat.
You know, we were going places as a band.
We had plans as a band.
Style Boyz, that's three guys, not two.
It doesn't work with two.
You know, it's like a tricycle.
You take away one of the
wheels, what have you got?
Nothing. A bicycle.
Don't use that.
Look, we had a good run, you know.
We had a few hits.
But it had run its course,
you know.
It was time
for us to all move on.
Get over it.
When the Style Boyz
broke up... (SIGHS)
The only other time
I remember being that sad
was when they killed Josh
Charles on The Good Wife-
(SINGING) I'm a Style Boy
for life (ALL CHEERING)
DEBORAH: Y'all ready for this?
Okay. Welcome to the future, bitches.
(some PLAYS)
That's Conner's song.
(some PLAYS)
Okay, both sides.
It's fun, right?
ALL: Yeah.
You know, it's my favorite.
I like the freezer one.
Listen to this, homies. We
can upload your entire album
to fridges,
washer-dryers, blenders,
and microwaves
across the country.
You could do that?
Yes, nerd.
It's just Wi-Fi jibber jabber.
It's not a big deal.
Nobody doing appliance
shit, my nigga.
Ain't that right, my nigger? No
one is doing appliance shit.
HARRY: Okay,
went with the hard
This is that next,
next, next, man.
I told you all,
Deborah's a genius.
It's true, and it is
also pronounced "Deboarrah."
"Deboarrah." Oh, that's very cool.
ALL: "Deboarrah."
What's the origin of that?
Uh, I believe Deborah.
That was ridiculous.
Right? Oh, my God,
yes, that was insane.
I mean, who would wanna
listen to music that way?
Swag. CONNER: I know
it's kind of weird,
but Aquaspin's gonna help us
get the music out there, man.
I mean... You don't think
people are gonna have a problem
when musk: "gust
appears 'm thew houses'?
CONNER: Look, I know
it sounds lame,
but there's no such thing
as selling out anymore, man.
This is how big business works.
I mean, nowadays,
if you don't sell out,
people will wonder
if nobody asked you to.
But look, dude,
if you're not comfortable
with it, we could rethink it.
No, man, it's cool.
It's cool.
All right, cool.
Let's get in the car.
This jacket's making
me sweat my ass off.
Yeah, it's fucking hot
as shit out here.
the car, Conner. CONNER: AC.
Did you say Macy's?
Did you say Macy's?
Macy's? Macy's? CONNER:
Air conditioning.
Sometimes Conner just gets an idea,
and he runs with it, you know,
and he's right, like,
99.9% of the time,
so you've just got to trust
that he knows what he's doing.
So I understand why he, you know,
did the whole Aquaspin thing.
Touring is expensive today. Why you
think I do the A$ap Crunchables?
This is Gary Sikes. This
is the label photographer.
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. All right.
There we go. Yeah.
All right. Got the two of you.
Great. Okay.
Can I have a little
separation, please?
Oh wait.
Hang on, Gary.
You're not trying to break
up the dream team, are you?
No, no, no. Just trying
to get the logo.
May I... May I touch you?
Yeah, yeah.
Just slide down just a little bit.
Schooch you down like that.
A little pressure.
There we go.
I still see your shadow a little
bit on him. If you don't mind...
Okay... GARY: You're Still in it.
You're Still in it.
Conner. Nice.
Yeah, same thing.
GARY: Nice. Yeah.
Here you go, Paula.
Thank you.
Hey, how's the Pop Music
Award thing coming?
Good. I've called producers.
I'm waiting to hear back.
Please stay on them because you
know how important it is to him.
PAULA: I'd love to get
Conner to the point where
people forget
that he's a musician.
Where he's just kind of
everywhere like oxygen or gravity
or clinical depression.
He's just everywhere.
ASHLEY: Conner!
Ashley Wednesday, star of the
blockbuster Cube Theorem franchise,
was spotted with
pop rapper Conner4Real,
leaving the exclusive New York
City nightclub... last night.
Okay. Let's go, kids. Time
to go home in your fun car.
Ash and I have been hanging
out for about six months now,
and I've got to say,
she's the total package.
Well, when I was little,
I would spend hours
looking at famous
couples in magazines.
Us Weekly, People,
and everybody's speculating.
"Are they a real couple, or
are they just for publicity?"
And I knew that when I grew up,
I wanted to be one
of those couples.
ALL: Five, four, three,
two, one!
MALE REPORTER: Last night,
popstar Conner4Real's
new album CONNquest
was released...
WOMAN: on all
Aquaspin appliances.
MAN: Millions of unsuspecting
Americans turned on their toasters...
You can't do that to people.
Yo, Conner4Real, you suck, dude!
MALE REPORTER: The President
calling the popstar a real dumb.
MAN: The only reason
he put it in appliances
is 'cause no one was gonna
buy his shit album.
He released his record
with a dishwashing company?
They did this big launch, and it
was all wireless or something.
I don't know. But it came out
of every appliance in my house,
and I was just like,
"I hate Conner4Real."
For real.
But seriously, let's
be nice to Conner4Real
'cause he seems like a good guy.
Uh, I don't think so.
Uh, I don't think so.
Uh, I don't think so.
Come on!
Well, the overnight numbers were
not what we were expecting.
They were pretty low. But
it's still early. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, some people are saying
that the Aquaspin thing
was an invasion of privacy,
so it's just a little
bump in the road.
He's dealing with it.
Conner, you okay, buddy?
Maybe the numbers
were wrong, you know.
Like, Bonkohub had
a computer virus or something.
You know, you could be right.
I'll have Jay look into it.
So what are we talking? Like,
150, 200, or... (SIGHS)
Sixty-five thousand.
Well, that is not where we wanted
to be, but not bad for the day.
Actually, Conner,
that's for the week.
For the week?
Can... Can you...
Hey, can you guys give
us a second here?
Thank you.
It's the first day
of tour, baby!
ALL: Whoo!
EDDIE: I know Conner's bumming right
now, but his concert is amazing.
When this thing
goes off and he's out there,
I mean, it's just a spectacle.
It's enormous.
ZIPPY: Yeah, my name is Zippy.
I'm the guitar tech on the tour.
Shit. Shit.
I make sure all the
instruments are tip-top.
I love the road. You know, this
is kind of a perfect job for me,
but my favorite free time
thing is flat-lining.
Heart rate dropping.
Flatlining is when you technically
lower your heart rate until, um...
Well, you're dead.
He's still dropping. ZIPPY:
Then you can catch a glimpse
of the afterlife. Got the idea
from the film Flatliners,
Joel Schumacher film
shot by Jan de Bont.
You know, I try to fit in a
F-line sesh at least once a week.
DOCTOR: Two, one.
Hit him. Clear!
Oh, whoa!
Did I shit my pants?
Not this time.
To Conner!
ALL: To Conner!
My mom means well.
She had her own dreams of
becoming a star back in the day,
and she gave it up to have me,
so I really owe her for that, and
I'm lucky to have her support.
You wanna go first?
I'll go first.
Okay, you go first.
Kids first, and then moms.
TILLY: Oh, my God,
that is so fun!
Hello, my name is Tyrus Quash, and I
do the food service on Conner's tours.
So these are carrots
eight different ways.
You have your triangles,
shaved, obeHsks, natural, julienne...
As the French like to call it...
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) "Julienne." I
think that's how they say it.
Conner's very specific
when it comes to food,
and it brings me great joy to see
him love the treats that I prepare.
WOMAN: Yeah! Connor!
(SINGING) Finest girl I
ever met In my whole life
Wanna take her home
Make her my wife
Knew she was a freak
When she started talking
She said, "Fuck me
Like we fucked bin Laden"
Whoa That girl was a freak
She said she wanted me to fuck
her Harder than the military
Fucked bin Laden
Fucked bin Laden
Fucked bin Laden
She wanted to fuck me
Harder than the US government
Fucked bin Laden
(GRUNTS) She was a
freaky kind of girl
Kept up on current events
From all around the world
More specifically one event
The time Osama bin Laden
Got shot in the head
She said, "Do me like that" But
I couldn't track the metaphor
That said, I can see you
horny Like a Stegosaur
That said, again, your
request ls so irregular
She put on a beard I started
looking at the exit door
Then a turban, then a tunic
She said, "Invade my cave
With your special unit"
I said, "He wasn't in a cave"
But there was no stopping
She demanded
that I fuck her like we
Fucked bin Laden
Fucked bin Laden
Fucked bin Laden
She wanted to fuck me
Harder than the US government
Fucked bin Laden
This girl requested intercourse
To bring her to climax
With the clinical efficiency
Of the assassination
Of bin Laden
You're harboring a fugitive
That ass
And my justice will be
punitive I'm ma smash
Night vision They can
see us through my GoPro
She tried to negotiate
I said that's a no-no
Now I'm creeping in her
bedroom like, "GO, gon
She tells me to go low
Then looks down
and says I've got to
Terrorize that pussy
Got to terrorize that pussy
So I did it
Improvised some crazy shit...
It's fucking awful.
Conner's music may not be what
I listen to in my free time,
but it seems to make
so many people money.
(SINGING) Mona Lisa You're
an overrated piece of shit
Can someone explain
Why the whole wide world
Is obsessed with
a Garbage Pail Kid
Looks like a Garbage Pail Kid
(BONNER: Y'all have been so amazing.
Thank you so much.
What a beautiful night. Everybody
in the front, make some noise.
Now everybody on the sides,
make some noise.
Now everybody way up in the
upper deck, make some noise.
MAN: Conner,
I love you! I love you!
Harry, what the hell?
First of all, this is
an 18,000-seat arena.
Nobody sells this out. You sold 15,000
seats. That's still really good.
No, it's not good. Hammerleg
sold this place out last week.
(SIGHS) Well, Aquaspin
agrees with you.
They're concerned
about ticket sales.
What? But it's an 18,000 seat place.
Nobody sells that out.
Hammerleg did last week.
Look, the low record sales
are making them nervous.
They wanna bring
on an opening act.
What? We have an opening act.
Owen DJs.
Hey, I'm always saying Style
Boyz could be the opener.
No, man. Will you stop with that?
Dude, people keep blowing up my
Twitter about us doing Donkey Roll.
Oh, they're blowing up your Twitter?
OWEN: Yeah.
How many followers
do you have, Owen?
Like 500,000.
Okay, well, I got 20 million, and no
one's asking me to do that shit, so...
Some of those are probably bots.
Okay, look, guys, regardless,
we still have to decide
on an opening act.
Man! (SIGHS) All right, fine.
Does anybody have ideas?
One, but you are gonna like it.
Wait. Did you say
"are" or "aren't"?
(SINGING) Yeah! You know I'm a
motherfucking piece of shit.
"Fuck you, Hunter!"
Fuck you, Hunter!
Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!"
Fuck you, Hunter!
Let's go.
Stomping through the forest
Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus
Hunter eating beefcakes
In the back of a Ford Taurus
Fuck the chorus Fuck my moms
Fuck your dad Fuck this song
Hunter the Hungry is one of those
rappers who just doesn't give a fuck.
RZA: People think
that he ain't crazy.
No, he crazy for real.
I seen him backstage.
He wasn't smoking the blunt.
He was just eating it.
I mean Hunter's the youth, you know.
He's... He's what's next.
I'm talking our crew!
Conner4Real in the flesh?
Hey, yo!
It's... It's an honor
to meet you, man.
CONNquest, Style Boyz, I
grew up off that shit, man.
Thanks. I wanna be you,
kind of, but not white.
Like black still,
'cause it's strong.
It's a strong color.
For sure, yeah.
Like, you are that dude.
Like, have you met you?
Have you met you?
You? Have you met you?
Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying?
This is crazy.
You be you. You don't
want me to be all that
'cause I'll tear some shit up.
You know how it is?
CONNER: That is great...
Hell, yeah! We gonna
turn up a show up here!
Oh, don't hurt me.
HUNTER: You know how it is!
But seriously, man.
I'm real honored, dawg.
I'm not gonna let you down.
You my idol,
right next to Jesus and Morgan Freeman.
All right, sure.
Yeah, bitch! What up?
I like him.
Where'd you get the cayenne?
Get off my basil.
No, dawg. That's my basil, too.
Get off my basil, dude.
That's my basil.
That's my basil, too.
CONNER: Come on, dude.
And chives, son! And chives! Watch
me kill this deer real quick.
What? You can do that? HUNTER:
That's deer meat, son.
That's deer meat, bitch.
OWEN: (LAUGHS) Whoa, dude.
What is this crazy shit?
Oh, dude!
That's your new head.
CONNER: I had it specially
made for you, man.
I took the measurements
while you were sleeping.
It's like on some
futuristic EDM shit.
We did the research,
and EDM is hot.
Robots on ecstasy and shit.
Daft Punk, deadmau5,
DJ Tommy Pizza.
Oprah Spinfrey,
Vinyl Ritchie, R2-LSD2,
Ecstasy-3PO, LSD-3PO, Elton John.
All those dudes are crushing.
CONNER: Look at all these functions.
OWEN: Yeah.
It's like a Lite-Brite,
but it's moving.
Oh, and check this out.
Oh, wow! It goes all
the way up there.
All the way, man. It's
like a beacon to space.
And, plus, it makes this sound.
Why would it make that sound?
I don't even know,
but it's nice to know that it's
there if you need it, you know.
Yo, helmet's dope.
Looks like the tip
of Optimus Prime's dick.
See? Don't you wanna
look like Optimus Prime?
His dick?
Fuck, yeah!
Fuck, yeah! Yeah, man...
(CHUCKLES) I don't know.
Owen, please? Please, please
wear the helmet, Owen.
Come on, man. The show really needs it.
Please, man.
I mean, if it'll help the tour.
Yeah. Dude, we're killing this!
Well, howdy, ma'am
We're the two banditos...
CONNER: Having Hunter aboard
has really energized the tour.
Tickets are selling.
Hunter is the shit.
Aw! I love you, too, man.
Get off me, dude!
(SINGING) Yeah, you know
we're two banditos
Yeah, you know
we're two banditos
Do a little dance
and drink a little water
Putting that helmet on Owen's head,
that was a brilliant gimmick.
I wish I'd done that with Zayn.
We could've kept him
in One Direction for years.
Prank time!
Pranks is where it's at.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you've got
to have fun on tour, yo.
Rise and shine, dude.
SPONGE: You know he's got
that sense of humor
where it's like, "Stop now,
please." "Please stop."
But he keeps on going.
"Please stop doing this."
Eat a lot of burritos While
we're fucking bald eagles
Let's go back to the
chorus, dude Okay
We're two cute little kittens
Yeah, we're two cute
little kittens
Yeah, we're two cute little
kittens Shut the fuck up
Conner, did you take a shit
in the Anne Frank House?
Do not go in there.
Ace Ventura.
(SINGING) I fucked your first
cousin with the didgeridoo
And when she came
You know, it sounded like...
This is my new
best friend right here!
This my nigga!
Yeah, he's my friend!
All right, listen up, everybody.
First of all, I wanna say congratulations
on a great show tonight.
ALL: Yeah. HARRY: For
the last eight shows,
we have been sold out!
It's like I was... I feel like
it's finally just clicking.
Yeah. Hey, we are
on a roll, baby.
Is it helping album sales?
It's got to be, right?
You know how it is, you know.
Sometimes, it takes a while for
the marketplace to catch up.
Don't worry. Definitely
helping Hunter.
This dude's album
just went gold.
For real.
How's that even...
That's a mistake, right?
Our shit hasn't even gone gold.
Look, he's just having
a moment. That's all.
CONNER: Well, how come
I'm not having a moment?
You've had tons of moments.
Don't worry. There's
plenty to go around.
Yo! Shout out to T.l.
in the house.
What's up, soldier?
What's up, Ka-el? Okay.
Y'all, my man Hunter the
Hungry is in the house.
Y'all make some noise!
What's up, Ka-el?
Yo! Y'all wanna hear the hottest
song on the streets right now?
ALL: Yeah!
(SINGING) Stamping through the
forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus
Hunter eating beefcakes In
the back of a Ford Taurus...
Look, man, Conner got all the way to
the top of this business, you know,
and the higher you get, the harder
you fall. I mean, ask any coconut.
Thing is, is that Conner's never
been as good as with the Style Boyz.
Whatever him and Lawrence
were beefing over,
they need to figure out
a way to squash it.
Ever since Style Boyz broke up,
Lawrence has been mad at me.
He claims he wrote my
famous catchphrase verse.
he's a jealous-ass hater
who's mad that I blew up, and he's
a farmer out in bumfuck nowhere,
but, you know,
we all have our take.
Uh, this one here,
this is my Poppy.
It's what I got for writing
Conner's famous catchphrase verse.
If you look close, you'll
notice that it's not real
because I didn't get a Poppy
or credit of any kind.
But there is one person that
I absolutely have to thank,
and that person is me.
Me, myself, and I! I did it all by myself.
Nobody helped me.
So, yeah, (SNIFFS)
that's my Poppy.
CONNER: I mean,
if he's so great,
how come he's not
making anything, you know?
Nothing's stopping him from going
out and writing a bunch of hits.
LAWRENCE: After the Style Boyz,
I tried some solo projects,
but none of them
really took off.
(RAPPING) Old boots, paper
towels Shop girl, unknown fellow
Deodorant, house keys
Sweatshirt, and umbrella
A golf club,
basketball, bug spray
A laundry heap,
a pocket knife, a battery
These are the things in my Jeep
These are the things in my Jeep
AKON: I didn't really
relate to that song
because, you know,
I had different things
in my Jeep than
he had in his Jeep.
LAWRENCE: I don't think Conner's living
real life-I think he's in a bubble
with people telling him what he wants
to hear and kissing his ass all day.
I heard he's getting
into stage gimmicks now.
He's got Owen in
a helmet looking dumb,
and one where
he sings from a toilet.
Someone should've told him
that shit is whack,
but he's so afraid of failure, man.
He's just getting desperate.
Let's try it again.
Oh, it snagged.
What's up, my confidants? Be sure
to come through to my show tonight.
I'm trying a brand new
magic trick.
You know they said
it couldn't be done.
That the trick that
was designed for a woman,
and my junk would
get all tangled,
but I figured out
how to solve it.
I think if I just
tuck it all back.
See you tonight.
Let's go.
What is this, y'all?
I said upscale. You
took me to outer space.
What do you say we take
it back down to Earth?
This almost looks like something
that a cowboy might wear.
Are y'all looking at my chaps?
But enough horsing around.
Let's take this uptown.
How about a good old fashioned tuxedo?
There is no substitute.
Top of the world!
Oh, shit.
No, no. It's tucked. I shaved for
the trick. Don't post those pics.
MAN: As they approach
the end of the dark forest...
It's an illusion. It's tucked.
I tuck it back.
OWEN: Conner, just hold on.
CONNER: Don't post those. It's a
tuck and take. (OWEN GRUNT S)
I don't know what
to do right now.
I wanna show you all my dick
but I can't show you my dick.
It's a great conundrum. It's a
great conundrum. (CROWD LAUGHING)
Holy shit, dude. Where the
fuck was your dick, dawg?
What happened out there? What
happened to the trick? (LAUGHING)
Conner, don't worry.
Nobody saw anything.
I wish they had seen something.
Now, there's 10,000 people
that think I got no dick.
Wait. You guys know I have a dick, right?
EDDIE: You do. You do. SPONGE:
Yeah, it's just that...
HARRY: I've always
believed you had a dick.
Right, right, right. But
like where was it, though?
Because that
motherfucker was gone.
We've gone over this.
You know I've got
to tuck my shit back
so it doesn't get tangled
up in the garments.
That makes perfect sense.
Of course.
You've got to put it
in between your legs.
Conner, don't worry about it. You
were up there for, like, 10 seconds.
Ten seconds is
an eternity, Harry.
It's a third of the way to Mars.
Conner, we've talked about this.
Thirty Seconds to Mars is the
name of a band. It's not a fact.
Look, thank you, dawg, because
this shit was hilarious, man.
Well, I'm so glad that I
could entertain you, Hunter.
You wouldn't happen to know
anything about this, would you?
Oh! I wish. (SCOFFS)
This is like genius prank
shit right here. Next level.
You would have to be the
best prankster of all time
to think of something like this,
and, well, shit, that's me.
Maybe I did do it.
No, I didn't do it,
or did I?
No, I didn't,
or maybe I did
do it.
Did you?
(LAUGHING) I didn't do it, or I did.
Who knows? I don't.
Conner, don't worry. Don't worry.
This is not news.
What the fuck?
HARRY: Son...
The timing of that was crazy.
They should call
him NoDick4Real.
It was tucked, Linda.
It's part of the show.
No. No, don't print that. CONNER:
Everywhere I look. It's insane.
Now it's on the front
page of USA Today,
the most respected
newspaper in the world.
Sweetie, relax. All we
need is a different story
to wipe it out of the press cycle.
Okay, so what?
What do we do?
Release a new single.
Get a crazy haircut, or, uh, take
an ugly teenager to the prom.
All good ideas. Let's
keep thinking about it,
and I'm gonna go tweet
a picture of my dick.
Okay, don't really do that.
(BONNER: Man, I just think it's gonna
really change people's perception of me
in a good, positive way,
and also I'm really glad about the
fact that we'll get married, too,
'cause I like her so much.
ASHLEY: Conner, what's going on?
CONNER: You'll see.
ASHLEY: Oh, my God! ls that music?
Almost there and...
You ready?
ASHLEY: Are those
real wolves?
ASHLEY: My psychic told me that,
in my previous life, I was a wolf,
which makes so much sense,
but I can't believe
that Conner remembered.
And you invited the press.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(SINGING) I landed in
London At a quarter to noon
Oh, my God, is that Seal? Yeah.
ASHLEY: What is this?
What's going on?
I know she's exquisite
So I had to visit
Pushed my back to
the front of the door
Ever since I met you,
I knew in my heart that
you were super banging.
Ashley Wednesday
Hey, dude, you've got to kill this music.
The wolves are going crazy.
I can't stop Seal from singing.
With impeccable style
All right, can we get the
wolves to be more quiet?
Ashley Wednesday,
will you marry me?
Please freaking say yes, girl
Yes. Yes.
WOLF WRANGLER: The wolves are loose!
Shit. Okay.
Oh, God!
Move! Run now!
MAN ON RADIO: Jesus Christ, we
got wild animals everywhere.
My God!
Get on!
Seal, come on!
Are you okay?
I'm fine. For a second...
Seal! Shit!
Oh, my God, you got him, dude!
Don't worry. I've been in
this situation before.
How do you think
I got these scars?
From wolves?
Fucking wolves. Now
let's get out of here.
What the fuck?
We killed Seal. He's dead!
He's dead!
Seal is dead!
NEWSCASTER: Conner4Real is being sued
by R&B singer Seal for $5 million.
Why would he do that to Seal?
Conner4Real is such a joke.
He disappointed all of us.
I mean like...
Did you see that proposal?
Like, I don't even think
they like each other.
'Cause Conner definitely
ain't the real deal.
He doesn't even have a dick.
I used to like Conner4Real, but
now I wish he would just go away.
JIMMY: My first guest,
I just wanna thank Seal again
and wish him a fast recovery.
He's gonna be fine.
JIMMY: That's great news.
That's great news, and congrats
again to you and Ashley.
Thank you. Thank you, and,
you know, don't forget,
in stores now. Cop that.
Yeah, absolutely. (AUDIENCE
Can I just fanboy
out for a second?
Uh, because my favorite
thing of yours
from back in the day,
the Donkey Roll. Oh!
You got a minute?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For the kids out there,
the Donkey Roll is
from Conner's old group,
the Style Boyz, when I was...
JIMMY: You know what I'm saying?
I don't wanna brag but
I used to do a mean
Donkey Roll back in college.
I'm just saying.
Oh, for real?
Some said I did it
better than yours.
Come on, now.
Don't do that, Jimmy Fallon.
I think I saw Kid
Contact backstage.
Do you think that we could
get him out here and...
I doubt he'd be into that.
Y'all set me up?
Okay, I'll be filling in for Kid Brain!
Roots, Donkey-Roll us!
I love the Donkey Roll.
The Donkey Roll was the shit.
That's the reason why I dance.
Every junior high dance had
to end with the Donkey Roll.
I dreamed of doing the Donkey
Roll onstage with them.
Yo, that was impressive!
It's all right.
Thanks, everybody.
Yo, dude, how fun was that shit?
Are you serious?
OWEN: Yeah.
I wish Lawrence
could've been here.
Owen, that sucked.
I'm trying to sell a record,
not stroll down memory lane.
That shit made me
look like a has-been.
(CHUCKLES) Come on, man.
The crowd loved it.
Whatever, man.
HARRY: Well, look, you have
to understand something.
Conner's lived
a very blessed life.
He got very successful
very, very young.
CAMERAMAN: No, no, no.
And because of that,
he never really learned
to handle adversity
in an adult way.
How many people here bought
my new album CONNquest?
CONNER: Ally'all are liars!
I know you didn't buy it!
Do you guys even
like me anymore?
Could've seen this coming.
Conner4Real dumped by new
fiancee, Ashley Wednesday.
why did Ashley dump you, bro?
Get the fuck off me.
CONNER: Son of a bitch!
Yo, I could really use you out here, man.
Yo, we're in Denver tomorrow.
OWEN: Come through.
I'll send a car for you.
He really wants to apologize?
OWEN: Yes. He really...
Stop. Down.
This business can be crazy, man.
That's why it's so important to
be around people that you trust,
that you've grown up with.
I mean...
What is that?
OWEN: And, plus,
Lawrence was always the one
who could cheer
Conner up, you know.
Dude, please. He really needs
his real friends right now.
OWEN: He needs you.
Yo, what's that sound
in the background?
Oh, it's just my girlfriend. I'm
having sex with her. (BLEATING)
All right, man. Maybe, you know?
Maybe. I'll think about it.
OWEN: So last night, I caught a
little bit of this obscure old movie
called The Parent Trap, right?
In that movie, these two
little red-headed girls,
they get the idea to trick
their divorced parents
into falling back in
love with each other,
so I was like, "Yo, if I just get Lawrence
and Conner in the same room together,
"boom, they're gonna
realize that they're friends,
"and we all can all
be buddies again."
Mona Lisa
You're an overrated
piece of shit
What the fuck is this garbage
Tyrus, shut up, man.
We're watching TV.
Quiet, fool.
Leave the singing to the
professionals, please. Yeah?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
And cut softer, dawg.
OWEN: Dedicated to
the people of Ethpania.
We were on the road
in Spain, and I noticed
that the people there pronounce the
letter S with, like, a T-H "th" sound,
so instead of saying Spain,
they say Thpain, you know,
and it's like the whole country
has a crazy speech impediment,
so I wrote a thong about that.
In Ibitha, tha, tha, tha
Every day's a fiesta, tha, tha
Speakers boom On the dance
floor, floor, floor
Everyone is a star,
star, star, star
Our tummies are
full of Pae-jhay-ah
All right.
Thanks, man.
Man, good shit.
You dropped in
perfect right on that one.
Oh, thanks, man.
Oh, I invited Lawrence to come
to the after-party tonight,
so he might be here.
What? Lawrence is here?
Yeah, man. You know, I told you
he lives right nearby here,
so I just thought it'd
be cool for him to come.
He actually... He wanted to
apologize to you, I think...
Owen, are you trying
to Parent Trap us?
he looks like a caveman.
Look at this fool. He's
about to murder somebody.
OWEN: I think it's just
the lighting in the limo.
No, seriously, I think that
that's just his resting face.
He's just relaxing.
So, what, he'll just apologize to me,
and I'm supposed to forgive him,
and then we go back to
being a big happy family?
Something like that, yeah.
(SIGHS) All right.
Style Boyz in the house, right?
No. No.
Fuck this.
No. No! Fans got
through the gate.
We've got to lock up. Let me out, man.
Unlock the doors.
Yeah, you should go, man.
Bail. That's your move.
That's not my move. That's your move.
You bailed.
I didn't bail.
People liked me best,
and you couldn't handle it,
so I did my own thing.
People liked you best
'cause of the shit I wrote.
They don't like your shit. They like
my shit, and they don't even know it.
Take a look around, Lawrence. If you
were so important to my success,
how come my solo shit's way
bigger than Style Boyz ever was?
You got Owen
making all your beats,
and now you ditched him,
and your shit's tanking.
Why can't you just
give me any credit, man?
Just admit that I'm talented?
Why can't you admit that I
wrote the "catchphrase" verse?
Oh, this shit again.
None of this garbage out
here is possible without me.
Admit that shit. Man, what the
fuck is going on out there?
GIRL: Conner, sign my tits!
Ch, what this?
This is just some
beautiful-ass titties, man.
My fans ask me to sign them all
the time because they love me,
and I love them, Lawrence.
And you know what?
You need to grow up, dude,
because this right here, this is
what it's all about, my friend.
Making art. Connecting
with people.
This is that
rock star life, my man,
and I'm slurping it down like
a big old fat milkshake.
Hey, Conner?
Not now, Owen.
Just CONNER: I'm gonna
sign these titties,
so sit back and watch how it's
done, my friend. I'm gonna...
Oh, shit! Oh! It's a dick!
That's one of your
fans, man. Go for it.
Can you make it out to Jenna?
Oh, hello.
That's me.
It's nice to meet you.
That's my fiance's penis. Ah.
MAN: Big fan.
Thanks, man.
So tight. Okay.
He's inside.
I'm just gonna...
The old John Hancock.
Are you guys getting back together?
Style Boyz?
We're thinking about it.
Right on.
I'm gonna roll the
window up now so just...
Thanks for coming by.
Great to meet you guys.
I rest my case, Lawrence.
You think you know what's up,
but in fact, you my friend,
have no idea what's going on.
Don't call me again.
Lawrence, dude.
Don't leave like that.
We should probably
hit the car wash.
All work and no play
Make Hunter go crazy
All play and no work Make
Hunter feel just as depressed
I'm OJ I'm Simpson
I'm Martha I'm Plimpton
Finally heard back
from the Poppies.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, they love you.
Um, they just don't have
enough room for you this year.
What? For real?
Yeah, it's a bummer. I know.
I told them to keep us in
mind if anything changes.
It could come around.
HARRY: This business is tough.
The highs are high, and the
lows are low, you know.
It's like a wave.
You've just got to learn how
to ride the wave, you know.
Up and down, just like that.
Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?
Style Boyz, Conner4Real.
That means I might be
going down again soon.
Heya, heya, ho
Harry, he's 30 minutes over.
I'm sure he'll be done soon.
I'm never gonna leave this stage!
I'm gonna die up here!
All right, that's it.
Owen, get your gear.
Got it.
Frank, queue it up.
Conner, what are you doing?
I'm going on, Harry.
You better get a bedpan!
I'll be here all night, bitch!
Who came here to see
Hunter the Hungry?
And who came here
to see Conner4Real?
CONNER: What's up, y'all?
What'd you just say?
Contact, skip the intro.
Go to Humble.
HUNTER: (RAPPING) Stamping through the
forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus
I am the most humblest
HUNTER: (RAPPING) In the back of
a Ford Taurus Fuck the chorus
CONNER: (RAPPING) Number one
at the top of the humble list
All right, Harry.
We've got to talk.
I know. That was a mess
out there tonight.
Yeah, we have to
get rid of Hunter.
We can't fire Hunter.
Conner, I mean he's one of the
reasons that the tour's sold out.
I want him off the tour.
Well, look he's number one
on Bonkohub right now.
Well, what number are we?
Numbers don't matter. Come on.
You know that.
God. (SIGHS) Can we
talk about this helmet?
It's crazy heavy, and it's
really hurting my back.
Owen, why are you talking right now?
Why are you in this meeting?
I'm in all of our meetings.
Dude, just leave, all right? Go
have a meeting with Lawrence.
You know it's not my fault that
the album's not selling, okay?
Don't take it out on me.
Harry, we have to get rid
of Hunter, all right?
I'm not asking. I'm telling.
You represent me, not him.
Okay, look, well,
actually, technically,
full disclosure,
I represent both of you.
You signed him?
Conner, come on.
Are you kidding me, Harry?
It's just business.
It's not to me. All right, look,
decide right now. Him or me?
Come on. Don't go there. Look,
I've got a family to feed.
What? No, you don't.
I have a niece.
We all have a niece!
You know what? (LAUGHS)
You're fired.
Conner, you're just... You're
upset, and you're overreacting.
Okay, now I've got to
collate that.
Great. Have fun collating.
There's no fun in collating!
What's up, my confidants?
Who can you really trust?
I thought I could
trust my manager,
but it turned out he was stabbing
me in the back the whole time.
I thought I could trust Seal.
I thought I could
trust the Yelp reviews
of PartyWolves.com. Really
makes you think, doesn't it?
Who's out there scheming behind my
back, trying to take what I built.
I need to find out
who I can really trust.
All right, y'all,
come and get them.
Conner's fancy
flapjacks right here!
Thanks, Conner.
Eat up. Eat up. Eat up.
Mmm. Mmm.
Sponge, you like those pancakes?
They're so good.
Eddie? Feeling these?
Okay. Mmm-hmm.
Dude, I'm sorry. I can't.
Conn, these are terrible, man.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you, Owen, truly.
Okay. And the rest
of you liked them?
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's very disappointing
because they are not good.
I knew it.
And the reason they're not good is
because I put dog shit in them.
Oh! Dang, dude. That's nasty.
That's hilarious.
The reason that I did that is to
see who would tell me the truth.
Oh! Conn,
that's mad smart.
Yeah. He's always
two steps ahead.
No. No, stop
doing that, you guys.
This is what I'm talking about.
You can't just agree
with everything I say.
No doubt. No doubt. No doubt.
It's not helpful.
Got to be honest.
No, you're doing it again, all right?
Just stop.
You fed us dog shit?
What is wrong with you?
Owen, chill out, man.
You're the only one who passed the test.
You're good.
How the fuck can you think I
was one of your lackeys, dude?
I'm your oldest friend.
Hey, we're friends!
We're all friends.
I should've told you
to fuck off years ago,
but instead I just let you
become a bigger and bigger dick.
Look, I'm sorry, but
I've kept you on the tour.
I keep you paid.
I put food on the table.
With dog shit in it!
It's the thought
that counts, man.
Oh, my God.
That's it. I quit.
You can't quit.
What do I even
do anymore, Conner?
I push play on an iPod
in a robot costume.
All right,
fine, then. Go.
CONNER: Maximus!
I'm home, buddy.
(GRUNTS) Sometimes,
he kicks it in here. Max!
You hear that?
What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
Why are you all white? Why
is he making that sound?
Oh, fuck! There's something
wrong with Maximus!
His scales are all ashy.
Come on!
No! Get out of the way! Move! Come on!
Please! Please move!
My turtle is sick.
I've got to get him to the hospital.
He's gonna die.
Maximus! (SOBBING)
CONNER: As I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
I take a look at my life and
realize there's nothing left.
Maximus was my best friend,
who struggled daily
with soggy bones syndrome,
but never complained once.
MARIO LOPEZ: Conner4Real fighting with
Martin Sheen, gets knocked the "F" out.
from The West Wing?
MALE REPORTER: Things going from
bad to worse for Conner4Real,
seen unconscious, rolling
around town on a hoverboard.
CONNER: Now go and join your
family in turtle heaven.
Fuck, yeah!
It's time, man. You've got
to know when to go home.
Bro, you've got to
know when to let go.
The key is don't play yourself.
That's it. Very simple.
Don't play yourself. Congratulations,
you played yourself.
You guys win.
I get the message.
I'll go away.
This is Conner4Real signing off.
I am back in Sac,
housesitting for my mom 'cause
she's on tour with Fall Out Boy.
Are you guys filming me?
It's been awesome, you know.
Dude, which one of
y'all pissed on me?
Feels really good to reconnect
with my hometown. (SIGHS)
I've just been really living a very
simple life, kind of back to basics.
I've been watching
a lot of dressage,
which is a very elevated, uh,
competitive form of horse dancing,
and I've been doing a lot of
painting and a lot of sketching.
I'm doing a series
on show ponies.
I actually have a lot of
trouble with the hooves.
It's hard to get
like a hoof texture.
This one is, like,
pretty accurate, actually.
I'll show you guys the
horse that I based it on.
Anyway, it's not my best one.
Um, like, in retrospect,
I probably wouldn't have
used that shade of green.
I've even been selling
some of them online,
which has been
a cool new experience.
Ooh! Sold.
You know, it's not Conner4Real
numbers, you know,
but, in a way, it means more.
That's pretty much it, you know.
That's my life now.
What's up, dude?
You guys, Paula's here.
What's going on?
Just wanted to check up on you.
You want a drink?
Uh, no. It's 11:00. It's
11:00 in the morning.
It's 11:30
Can we please turn this off?
(LAUGHS) Look at
those little nerds.
We were very cool for
our school district.
My birthday is awesome.
CONNER: Yeah, man, we used to have fun.
Best birthday ever.
What the fuck happened?
CONNER: Oh, shit.
I think this is the day that
my mom gave me Maximus. Oh!
This one is from
Owen and Lawrence.
A turtle!
A turtle!
TILLY: Oh, my goodness!
Look, Mom, they got me a turtle!
TILLY: What do you say, sweetie?
YOUNG CONNER: Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
TILLY: Honey, what are
you gonna name it?
name it Maximus.
Get up. We're going out.
What? Oh, no,
I'm not going out.
I cannot deal with
the public right now.
Conner, it's not a question.
All right, fine,
but if we're going out,
I've got to put on my makeup.
Please don't put that on.
This is cool. It feels good to be out.
You were right.
Good. Yeah, I'm glad I did
this, though, you know.
Makes me feel more comfortable,
more at ease. I feel at ease.
Yeah, you look really comfortable.
You look like Matthew Modine
had a peanut allergy.
All right.
You look like Nazi propaganda.
Okay, that's foul.
CONNER: Wait a minute.
That piano part is incredible.
Earth, wind, and birds
They fill my heart up
With darkness alone
Was my last album bad?
I feel like I probably
could've handled myself
a little better over
the past few months.
It feels so nice to be
able to say all this shit
'cause the music is so
loud no one can hear me.
That Equal Rights
song was offensive!
I feel free!
Thanks for coming out, you guys.
Means a lot.
Great show, Kid Contact.
Conner? Oh! Man! How'd
you recognize me?
What's up, man?
What are you doing here?
Had to put on the disguise, right?
Yeah. No, I see that.
Come check out my
homie do his thing, man.
Great show.
Thanks, man.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, Paula brought you?
She did, and I'm
really glad she did.
It was such a great show.
You sounded incredible, dude.
Thanks, man.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, my singing's
terrible, but, you know.
What? No. No.
I mean, all right, look,
maybe time for some vocal lessons,
you know. No shame in that.
Yeah, or you know who
would sound better on it?
Clay Aiken.
No, you.
No. No, man.
This is your thing, and I'm
hella proud of you, man.
And, (SIGHS)
fuck, man, I just...
I wanna just say I'm sorry.
Conner, just... I... Like, I love
that you're doing this right now,
but it's really hard
to take you seriously
because you just look
like Jason Segel right now.
Oh, Paula said that.
We have great minds. Yeah.
That's funny. It must...
Like, how does it look?
Oh, yeah, it's like the
spitting image of that guy.
Is that good?
It looks identical to that dude.
"Sarah Marshall."
"I need to forget about her"
Yeah, he needs to forget her.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love that movie.
So good.
Thanks, man. It means a
lot that you came out.
I'm glad I came, too.
For real.
That's good, man.
LAWRENCE: What the fuck?
One of you guys put this here?
Hey, Lawrence.
Conner. Owen.
I just...
That's for you, man,
to borrow, you know.
I figured you could take a bunch of
pics of you holding it and stuff.
You could post them or whatever.
All right, so now we're cool.
What the fuck, man?
Now I've got to go find that.
What do you want me to say?
That you helped with
the "catchphrase" verse?
Is that what
this is still about?
Fine, you helped with the
"catchphrase" verse, all right?
You happy?
All right, and you
wrote most of it,
but using my catchphrases
that you also co-wrote.
All right, wrote, but we
were both in the room,
and I dictated
all the best stuff.
All right, none of
the best stuff, dude,
but I had tons of great ideas
that I still don't even know
why you didn't use them.
Because they sucked!
Okay, fine.
That's my bad.
But I was there
the whole time, man.
I was a little late.
I was a little late that day.
There was traffic, and I was a
little tardy on that particular day.
There was no traffic.
I lied about that.
I lied about it because I
overslept on accident.
It was on purpose.
It was a power move. I was
trying to send a message,
and that was a dick move
on my part, all right?
However, once I got there,
late, I put in time, okay?
I left a little early.
I remember that.
I was never there.
Now, I remember.
I remember now what happened!
I bailed and you
wrote the whole verse.
You wrote it, and I never gave
you credit 'cause guess why?
No one cares who writes shit.
They just care who performs it.
In fact, I think the only
person in the whole universe
who cares about the credit
for who wrote it is you!
I'm sorry.
Parent Trap.
CONNER: What'd you say
you grew here again?
LAWRENCE: You'll see.
OWEN: Oh, shit.
CONNER: Lawrence,
how much weed do you have?
Hey, everyone, I'm gonna take the rest of
the day off to hang out with my friends.
Keep up the good work, and
let's have a great harvest.
MAN: Okay.
You guys still smoke?
BOTH: Yeah.
Cheers, dude.
LAWRENCE: It's really up there, man.
Good shot there, Lawrence.
All right, one, two, three.
OWEN: Got it?
Ah! Yeah. Yeah.
OWEN: Yeah.
No way this works.
Get it.
You smoked a Poppy, dude.
What was that beat that we were
messing with once that was like...
What was that?
We should mess with that.
That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did
the lyrics go? What were the words?
You are my number one pick
LAWRENCE: We did it.
Every time I call you
You say that you're sick
She was always sick.
Lawrence hooked up with her.
That's right.
You hooked up with her.
Don't do me like that.
Come on, y'all.
Glenda, are you dying
Or just avoiding me
CONNER: That was it.
Either Way's a bummer
But I hope you're dying
That's what up.
He wrote that.
LAWRENCE: We had fun in there, man.
I forgot how fun it is.
Kind of makes me think
that I fucking hate farming.
I look at Conner,
and I see that seven-year-old
scrub that I grew up with,
and it's like, how could you
be mad at a seven-year-old?
It's crazy I spent so much time
thinking about killing him.
You guys see that?
You missed me. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, fuck.
Conner's full of surprises
these days, man.
OWEN: I mean, on our
way from the airport,
I actually noticed
something crazy.
I looked down and in his bag,
he had this book called
How to Be a Better Friend.
It was all dog-eared
and scribbled on.
It feels like
he's really trying,
and, plus, it shows he knows how to
read, which is really heartening.
(CHEERS) I can't believe
you remembered that, man.
Paula's calling you.
There was a whole
second verse to that.
OWEN: Yeah, what was it, dude?
LAWRENCE: Do you remember that?
I'm gonna grab it. I'm
gonna grab it. Okay.
PAULA: Where the hell
have you been?
I'm hanging with the guys. It's
actually been super fun, man.
Conner, you just got
offered the Poppy Awards.
Wait, what?
The Poppy Awards. Taylor Swift
was arrested for murder.
They want you to close the show.
It is a huge slot.
Six minutes to do whatever you
want, but they need an answer now.
Oh, shit. Um...
This is what we've
been waiting for, Conner.
She never wore socks
But that was
the third verse, though.
I'm talking about
the second verse.
Like what was the second verse?
Her daddy hates me
'Cause my car is slick
Let's record it.
Hell, yeah.
Let me get on the boards.
OWEN: What did
Paula want, man?
Oh, nothing, they wanted me to do
the Pop Awards, but I passed on it.
Yo, what?
Dude, I don't wanna do that shit.
I'm hanging with you guys.
Who fucking cares, dude?
That's the Poppies.
All right, but I thought
this was, like, the whole
reason you guys were mad at me,
for going and doing
all this solo shit.
Dude, you don't have to choose
between us and your solo shit.
It's like with Wu-Tang Clan.
It's like you're Method Man,
and he made a solo record, but
he's still in the Wu-Tang Clan.
He never stopped
being in the Wu-Tang Clan.
LAWRENCE: Or like the GZA.
He was in the Wu-Tang Clan, and
then he made a solo record,
but he never stopped
being in the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, or you're the RZA,
and you can do your solo shit, but
you're still in the Wu-Tang Clan.
So basically,
we're the Wu-Tang Clan.
Exactly, but better.
As soon as I said it, I was
kind of like, um, maybe not.
It's like we're
three Tom Pettys,
and we're the
Heartbreakers, you know.
You're a Tom Petty, you're a
Tom Petty, and I'm Tom Petty,
but together we're the Heartbreakers...
We're Tom Petty.
Oh, right, no. Yeah.
We're the Heartbreakers.
Yeah, I lost it, too.
OWEN: Yeah.
We know you've got to fly.
You're like a beautiful bird.
You've got to be out there.
You've got to see it all.
But we can be right there with
you as your little bird legs.
So you think I should
do the Pop Awards?
Fuck, yes.
All right, well,
I'm not going alone.
Who are you gonna do it with?
With you guys!
Do you wanna come with me?
Oh, sure, I was
wondering who you were...
Yeah, yeah. That's tight.
Hell, yeah!
We're so high.
MAN: And the stars
are arriving
for this year's Pop Music
Awards, the Poppies.
Good. Let's go.
You guys are all set.
They know you're doing
one Style Boyz song,
and then we're gonna go
into Conner's new single.
Great. Oh, shit! Conner,
what up, though, dawg?
CONNER: Oh, yeah,
what up, Hunter?
Yo, yo, yo. Say hey to
my doc real quick, baby.
You got a doc. I got a doc.
You know what I'm saying?
But now, like, I'm rolling
with all these dudes
and with Aquaspin.
Like, I kind of
Single-White-Femaled your ass.
Yeah, man, that's crazy.
Anyway, though,
good to see you, man.
You looking spiffy, you know?
Yo, yo, it's Hunter, dawg, about
to get crazy on the stage...
No, sorry, not your camera.
We're with Conner.
On, shit. My bad.
Yo, this is Hunter about to head into
the Poppies. You know what I'm saying?
CAMERAMAN: No, sorry,
we're with Snoop.
Surprise, mothafucka.
You're watching my brand new
show, Surprise Mothafucka
with Snoop Dogg, and,
mothafucka, you been surprised.
HUNTER: Excuse me.
Can somebody move?
Mariah Carey, (SNIFFS) your
hair smells and looks great.
Did you know Aquaspin has
hair dryers and flat irons?
No, I didn't.
Aquaspin appliances are completely
affordable for college students.
Honey, you're not
doing ads now. Really?
Read the damn prompter, yo. You
messing with my money right now.
What the (SLEEP) did you
just say to me? What?
Yo (SLEEP) all y'all, all right?
And (SLEEP) everybody else,
and (SLEEP) Mariah Carey
for leaving me up here.
Yeah, I said her. No...
Oh, you still here? I thought you had left.
Okay, sweetie...
Style Boyz.
It's time.
HUNTER: Yo, what the fuck
was that, everybody?
Why you got me up there
saying that bullshit, man?
I told you not to say it. You're the
one that wanted to cash the check.
Dude, you set me up, dude!
You ain't nothing
but like a fake sellout
money hungry pop
bullshit-ass manager.
You ain't nothing but a Tony!
Toni! Total reject, bitch!
What the fuck you say to me?
Say that shit again,
young blood.
I will eat your head! I
will eat your fucking head!
You better learn some respect.
Yo, all right.
Man, I'm sorry, yo. Chill.
Old-ass motherfucker.
Why you hit me like that, dawg?
Get yourself a new manager.
HUNTER: Yo, are you serious?
Damn, man.
Oh, my God.
That was great, Harry.
It was insane, wasn't it?
I was like, "Get some
respect," you know?
Hey, look, Harry, I just
wanna say I'm sorry.
No, don't.
Don't worry about it.
Just get out there and have a good time.
Good luck, guys.
Thanks, Harry.
Thanks, Harry.
(EXHALES) Okay, this is it.
You nervous?
Just a little bit.
Don't be. We got this.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
All right, see you out there.
See you out there.
Please take your seats.
Oh, God, Conner, there you are.
Look, the show's going way over,
so you only have
three minutes now.
What? Yeah, you can
only do one song,
so I need to know are you gonna
do Conner4Real or Style Boyz?
Yeah. No, I asked him.
He's just kind of, like,
looking off into space
and, like, really
making a meal out of this.
And now I'm just
standing here waiting.
He's looking off to, like,
contemplate whether he should,
I think, pick the Style Boyz, 'cause
he's, like, looking in their direction,
so we might be leaning
toward that kind of...
No, he's looking back.
So I'm lost. I'm not sure
which one he's gonna go for.
All right, I know
what I'm gonna do.
Our final performer tonight is a
living legend and still a superstar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
one and only Conner4Real-
(SINGING) Finest girl I
ever met In my whole life
Wanna take her home
Make her my wife
Knew she was a freak
When she started talking
She said
I'm a Style Boy for life
Should we tell them?
Tell them, man.
We made a new song at the farm.
Yeah, we found Lawrence's journals,
and they were just amazing.
Amazing. Just full of
incredible thoughts.
Just like ideas and poems and stuff.
Nothing special.
Yo, and then Conner had the idea
to take a piano line
from my solo shit.
Conner put it all together.
And the Poppies paired us with the
craziest special guest to perform with.
Incredible thoughts
Incredible minds
I'm so overwhelmed
How did my brain conceive them
A snow white dove
in the pitch-black night
A raindrop falls
from tremendous heights
A wave crashes off
of a cliff in Scotland
A child bites an apple
but the core is rotten
TV is free But what is the cost
We have GPS
And yet we're still lost
A carrot in the desert
A camel in the garden
A man with giant ears
Begging your pardon
What if a garbage
man was actually smart
A common misconception
That we're tearing apart
And to a dog
Dog food is just food
And to a sock A mansion's
just a big shoe (LAUGHS)
A Milk Dud
sitting in the acid rain
A house cat
addicted to the cocaine
No teeth, unlimited floss
These are just a few of
Our incredible thoughts
Incredible thoughts
AKON: Oh, man, watching the Style
Boyz together onstage again was like.
I lived to see that. After that,
you know, take me away, I'm done.
Kid Contact, Kid Brain, and
Kid Conner all back together,
the motherfucking Style Boyz.
This is just some
revolutionary shit, man.
My heart is pounding right now.
A ballerina waits for the bus
A "number one dad"
trophy covered in rust
A nun dunked a basketball
Living the impossible
A man breaks his leg
Inside a hospital
We just thought of that
And it could change the world
We're like a smart
oyster full of pearls
Such as an ultrasound
of a new baby
With a Santa hat drawn on, yeah
That's my kind of Christmas card
What if a butterfly
Was made out of butter
These small thoughts
Could destroy Big Brother
The world's cutest kitten
Just hugging a dog
Just one of many of
Our incredible thoughts
What if one thought
could cure the people
What if one song
could end all evil
Imagine if a fish
could play guitar
And also sing
It would sound bizarre, like
My name is Mr. Fish
These guys' thoughts have
granted my wish Oh, yeah
All I wanna know, who was in that
fish costume? That was amazing.
The fish was me, Tyrus.
And that may have just
Changed the course of time
I swear, my mind Blows my mind
Let me see that Donkey Roll
Donkey Roll
Let me see that Donkey Roll
Incredible thoughts
Donkey Roll Incredible thoughts
Let me see that Donkey Roll
Incredible thoughts
Incredible minds
Too many great ideas inside
It's a miracle my head
can contain them
My spectacular brain
Changing how we think
about space and time
Now it's time to share that
with the people
My brain is a genius
QUESTLOVE: When it was
happening, I was just like,
"Yo, I cannot believe I'm
here to witness this, man."
How did my brain conceive them
Yes! Yes! Fuck!
Whoo! Yes. (LAUGHS)
I just performed the Donkey
Roll with the Style Boyz.
I was a Style Boy.
I walked out onstage,
all I could think of was,
"I'm so happy.
"And I really hope that Tony!
Toni! Tone! Is watching,
"and that they
feel like shit."
CONNER: A wise man once said,
everyone's career is on a wave.
Sometimes, you're up.
Sometimes, you're down.
But the trick is not to lose
yourself along the way.
And when you're up,
don't be an asshole about it.
It's like my mom always says...
Yo, what the fuck? (LAUGHS)
That stage manager lady just
macked on Lawrence super hard.
Yo, do they even know each other?
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
And why is "Deboarrah" here?
Anyways, be cool to your friends, right?
That's what I was saying.
Yo, they are gonna fuck.
Damn, that is hilarious.
But the point is,
be a good person.
The rest will fall into place.
And that's Conner4Real.
Isn't that right, Maximus 2?
It sure is, Conner.
He wasn't really talking.
That was me doing the voice.
The Style Boyz are getting
back together again.
Yeah, they broke up. Then
they buried the hatchet,
and now I guess they're
working together again.
They're like friends
from childhood.
For life.
And they had, like, tough times
and now they feel good
about being back together.
"We're gonna put
aside our differences."
They actually do something.
Sometimes, I think about doing that.
I haven't talked to
my mom in three years.
I moved out here. I thought I could
get like a commercial agent.
I just wanted to be
a longboard model.
I never graduated high school.
I never graduated middle school.
It'd be a lot of
fun if the four of us
hung out outside of the office.
Hey guys, can I ask you
something really...
That I've never really
asked you before?
Do you guys have a photograph of
James Franco leaving a Denny's?
Oh yeah, totally! It's right here!
Fuck, yeah!
Let's see it.
Put it up.
WOMAN: Bring it up.
We got it.
(SINGING) Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah
Words and truth
One fine evening
on the sandy coast
The feeling was irey
'round the drum circle
When the wisest rasta I ever saw
Gently joined us and sang of Jah
Roots and culture
seeped from his bones
He took out a spliff and said,
"Pass this around"
So I took a righteous drag
It was the best sensi
that I ever had
And then I felt the chills
run up my back
"My good man,
tell me, what was that?"
He said, "My friend,
you just smoked crack"
"You just smoked crack"
Oh, crack
I just smoked crack Oh, my God
And it felt fucking great
This feels amazing
Thought it was marijuana
Oh, yeah
But now it's too fucking late
I can't go back
I love crack Holy shit
Now I am invincible
Fuck, yeah
If anyone tries to take my crack
I'll kill them on principle
Some call crack bazooka
Others call it base
But no matter
what name you call it
It's the best invention ever
by the human race
The government
spread lies about it
They say that it is no fun
But on that plastic shell
I sucky
Sucky, sucky, sucky
till the crack is gone
Now we should legalize it
Legalize it
Set the people free
And legalize
We should legalize crack
So that I can smoke it all