Pork Pie (2017) Movie Script

I'm coming for you, Boyo!
Get him! Dave, go to him!
You're gonna pay up, kid!
Dave, hurry the fuck up! Dave!
- Hey!
- Oh!
Get over here!
Come on, Joe!
Dave, get the window.
Where are you, kid?
Where the fuck are you?
Check it out.
Get in the car!
- Noah.
- Hmm?
What is Jon doing on my couch?
- Uh...
- Uh?
Thanks, Bex.
I don't love you as
if you were a rose.
- See, I knew you would.
- No, no, Suzie. What? What?
- Just take it seriously, ok?
- Your mum would love it.
Morning, Fitbit.
I don't love you as if
you were a rose of salt, topaz...
You know, I've, um...
I've almost got the Holden going.
It's just a dodgy carb, I reckon.
- You know, the battery is...
- You know it's over, right?
Come on, man. I mean, you guys
gotta know where she is, right?
I mean, I just... I just wanna...
I just gotta talk to her.
Come on, hon.
You need to move on, eh?
What you did was unforgiveable.
I know it's...
What could you possibly
say to her, Jon?
Yeah, I know.
- She was absolutely devastated.
- I know.
Yeah, I know, I know.
- Which is why I need to talk to her.
- You hopeless bastard.
And... hello?
Come on. Come on. You can do it.
Believe in yourself.
My hands are tied
oh, I could be a victim
when my tongue won't move
you have it tied
with your heartstrings
when I needed you most
I couldn't find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn't say a word
my hands truly tied...
Yeah, I know I'm a prisoner
when my tongue wouldn't move
you have it tied
with your heartstrings again...
When I needed you most
I couldn't find the language
when I needed you more...
I couldn't say a word
when I needed you most
I couldn't find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn't say a word.
Uh, the petrol's
self-service, mate.
Oh, I got a problem with the car.
I was hoping you'd take a look at it.
Think she might be overheating.
I don't know...
Shit. Shit!
Oh, shit!
Too busy, bro.
Hey, Noah.
What have you done
with my crane brothers suit?
You said borrow anything.
Yeah, I meant like golf clubs
or our box set of 'got', not a 2-k suit.
Oh, come on, man.
You know I'm good for it.
You'd better be.
It's Becca's favourite.
Where are you, anyway,
and why the friggin' suit?
I'm going to a wedding.
Well, you're not going
to Nick and Bella's.
I told you, man. I gotta see her.
No, this is such a bad idea.
So bad.
Bro, you got a death wish?
You're breaking...
You're breaking up.
- Let me call you back.
- No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
I'm sorry about that.
He's gonna kill me.
Well, he won't have to
if you stay there.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just... Trying
to get a lift south.
Thanks, man.
Man, you wouldn't believe my morning.
My car shat its gearbox.
And then I had this,
like, uh, catastrophic governor failure.
Have you ever had one of those?
Yeah, no, you don't want to.
Trust me. It's a miracle I'm not toast.
Uh, bro, it's a miracle
you're not mince.
Yeah, man. Yeah, true. Thank you.
Thanks for not making me that.
This is a nice car
for a kid your age.
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, no, nothing. No, nothing, man.
I just... I don't know.
Maybe you won big Wednesday
or something.
That's none of my business, really.
It's my mum's.
Oh, right on. Hip-hop mum. Hip mum.
Hip mum. Mean mum. Yeah.
Hey, man, this is gonna
sound pretty forthright,
but, um, can I have
the rest of that cookie time?
I just... I totally missed breakfast.
Nah, it's cool. That's cool.
Now, this is it
my turn to bring a new shit
dark and it's heavy
show me if you're ready
this is it
my turn to bring a new sound
and it's heavy.
Show me if you're ready
this is it
my turn to bring a...
Oh, hey.
- You want me to Chuck in some gas?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Hello?
- Jon, Jon, Jon.
Hey, Sharon. Babe. Um, look, uh,
now's not actually such a good time.
"Sharon". 'Babe', my arse.
No, it's not a good time, is it, Jon?
I've had the publisher's legal team
chasing me all week, darling.
They called me in the supermarket.
They called me in the middle of
my daughter's remedial gymnastics...
Oh. Um...
Jon, my love, Jon, my darling,
where is that fucking book?!
Yeah, no, I'm... it's coming along.
Um, I'm working on it.
I'm working on it now, actually.
You better be, Jon, because they're
demanding refunds of your advance,
so that means
my fucking commission.
But, uh...
Hey, they loved the outline, right?
Jon, they paid you for a novel.
No-one's expecting
'the great fucking Gatsby' here,
but the last draft
you shovelled up was...
I'm just finding the...
Here it is.
This is what the publisher said -
"a shit sandwich without the bread."
They're... you know, they're
picking on the ending, right?
There was no ending, Jon.
The word count just stops, ok?
It goes nowhere. I can't cover for you
anymore. Finish that fucking book!
Cool... hey, thanks.
Agents, eh?
"A shit sandwich without the bread"?
What kind of feedback is that?
It's a metaphor.
Like imagine a sandwich
with just the shit bits...
- Yeah.
- ..And no bread.
- Oh.
- It's pretty shit.
Oh, cool! Hey, thanks, man.
Thanks for, you know,
thanks for clarifying that.
You're welcome.
Let me tell you
what it really is, ok?
It's a conspiracy to make me conform
to this bland commercial standard.
All those condescending morons,
they just...
They want derivative pulp,
and I'm not going to sell out, man.
I'm... I'm not.
Yep. Here we go.
Speaking of conspiracies...
Afternoon, sir. Do you know
why I pulled you over?
Well, the Rego's all good, so I guess
you're just revenue collecting, officer.
Or another probable cause is...
Another probable cause is
institutionalized racism, you know?
Perhaps you just pulled him over
because he's Maori.
Sorry, sir.
His... his cat got run over this morning,
so he's a bit upset, yeah.
Was it desexed?
- What?
- Your cat.
Oh. Um... no.
Desexed cats are less likely to stray,
therefore less likely to be run over.
You might wanna consider that
next time.
Ok, yeah.
This vehicle left a Taihape service
station without paying for petrol.
You know about that?
- Nah, he paid for that.
- What?
- The petrol.
- Nah, I didn't.
I thought you did, didn't you?
No, you said
you'd Chuck it in, bro, so I...
I would never say
"Chuck it in, bro."
So this vehicle is registered to
jock Stevens. Either of you him?
Hey, what are you doing?
Dude, what are you doing?
Man, are you
in some kind of trouble?
Well, who fills up a car
and doesn't pay for it?
Who's got a mum called jock?
Ok, well, if you don't pull over soon,
you're gonna lose your license.
I don't have one.
Wh...! Whoa!
Oh! Ahh.
Ok, Evel Knievel, maybe you could
just, um, ease off the pedal a little bit.
Where'd he go?
It's not your mum's mini, is it?
I feel like a burger.
A flame-grilled Angus Patty,
runny egg and barbecue sauce.
Well, you got a better plan?
Let's get a burger.
That's six double-beef bacon, people.
What's the hold-up?
You growing those bloody cows?
We apologise, sir.
We've just had one out the back that
refused to be blended up in the mincer,
but we smacked her around and
you can stuff your face with her shortly.
- I have order 97 here.
- Oh, there you go. Nice and bloody.
Christ, lady, I've got
fucking kids in the car.
handsome. What can I do you for?
Yeah, um...
What...? Mm. Uh... I'm a...
Yeah, I'm a little bit torn.
Bro, she's talking to me.
- She asked me my order.
- I was talking to the driver, sir.
- Oh. That's fine. Sorry.
- Tends to be how it works.
Uh, well, can I grab
the flame-grilled Angus Patty
with runny egg
and extra bacon, please?
- Absolutely.
- Thanks.
And you, sir?
Um, yeah, and I'll get
the flame-grilled cheese, thanks.
- So that's the flame-grilled cheese...
- Oh, but no cheese.
Actually, no, should just make it
the Fla... Flame-grilled original.
- Without cheese?
- Without cheese, yep.
- And no... oh, does it have tomato?
- Yes.
Ok, cool. No, I don't want any of that.
Some dick stuffed up my order.
- Huh?
- Some dick stuffed up his order.
Sorry. Uh, can I offer you
a free coke?
Nah. How about some free chips?
- Nah, how about a free burger?
- Nah, how about a free blow job?
I'm sorry. We only offer free coke.
- What the fuck?!
- Did you want to supersize those?
Fuck, no!
Uh, I might cancel my coke order.
You might have to tell someone else.
I don't think I work here anymore.
Do you want
a double coke with that?
Oh, do you need a lift somewhere?
You're not going to Wellington,
are you?
Uh, yeah, we are.
- Wait, what's going on?
- It looks like she's in trouble.
Yeah, so are you, mate.
You don't want any more.
- Whoa...
- Um...
- Whoa!
- Gosh!
Sorry! Jesus, I'm sorry.
Keira1 oh! Oh! Sorry!
- Oh, god.
- Oh, shit.
My bad. Whoo!
- Well, that was insane.
- Yeah, it certainly was unusual.
Oh, uh, we've got the flame-grilled
Angus the cow right here.
Cool. Thank you.
And that is the regular Patty,
no cheese, no tomato
or anything interesting at all.
- Hey, what's this?
- Oh, read it.
"How much meat
is in your meat?" What?
"Once you account
for the water content,"
"crushed bone matter
and high-fructose corn syrup,"
"only 4% of your Patty
is actually meat."
That... "Statistically,
there'll be a mix-up in supply"
"which means 50% of that meat
content is actually horsemeat."
Horsemeat. Correct.
What kind of sadistic nutjob would
put that in their burger packaging?
I did. And it's factual.
So what? What are you, some kind
of undercover... Vegan activist?
Not really. I mean, I wore these
to my job interview last week.
"Not your mum, not your milk."
I never hide my beliefs.
- Gotta have principles, bro.
- That's rich coming from you.
Wait. Ok, ok, so...
what if someone's just, like,
innocently eating their burger
and then they come across
your pamphlet and then, boom,
they hurl all over their nan
or their friend or something?
Um... What are we doing?
Oh, we're just checking out
the local shops.
Sarah's souvenir stall?
Yeah, he really likes
kiwi fruit jam.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hmm.
- Oh, look, it's on special. 5 bucks.
- Oh, wow.
- You should get some.
- Oh...
Oh, you want to? $5. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, let's get some.
Cheapest I've ever seen it.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Let's do it.
E hinee
hoki maira
kamate au...
Hi. You Sarah?
Te aroha e.
So, what do you guys do?
Yeah, what? Mm. What do you...?
What is...?
What is it that you do again, man?
I just... l forgot.
Um, well, l... I work with vehicles.
Cars, trucks and...
So like, um, like a mechanic
or car salesman or, like...?
No, it's kind of more like
repossession, isn't it, sort of?
And what about you, Jon?
What do you do?
- What? Oh, I'm a writer.
- A writer?
- Yeah.
- Wow. Anything I might have read or...?
Oh, yep. Yeah. Well, I've been...
I've got some irons...
I've got some projects on the go
at the moment that I'm working on.
- Yeah, he's a food writer.
- Yum!
You're... you're writing about
sandwiches at the moment, eh?
Good and shit ones, eh, bro?
Yeah, there are some shit sandwiches
out there that people have to... Eat.
Oh, sweet. There's a party tonight.
You keen?
Me? Oh, no, thanks. I don't...
I got plans tonight.
Party tonight? Whereabouts?
Um, apparently
it's at a warehouse in Thorndon.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm keen.
I got the wandering eye
mmm-hmm, hmm
I got the wandering eye...
I got the wandering eye...
Sorry, mate. Can you just...?
Can you just hold that
just for a minute?
Maybe that's...
- Ok, so that's over the...
- No, you're doing it wrong.
The fox chases the rabbit
around the tree.
- No.
- You gotta...
No, it goes twice around the tree,
then it goes over the hump, doesn't it?
No, it goes once around the tree
and then up the burrow.
No, that's not... You...
That's not the burrow, though.
- Yeah, but you just had...
- That's the hump.
- I just...
- There's no hump.
No, that's where the rabbit goes.
Find another one for a second.
Oh, my god,
where did all the men go?
Thank you.
- Round the tree...
- Oh.
Up and through the burrow.
Oh, that... see, that was
the burrow that I meant.
- Oh, check you out.
- Through the hump.
Oh, wow. So what is that?
That's like a four-in-hand
or like half-Windsor, is it?
Pratt knot.
- Pratt knot.
- Now...
- Hey, thanks for the lift.
- Sweet, bro.
- And, um, we cool?
- Huh?
Yeah, we're cool.
Hey, um, and don't be too late
'cause, you know,
mum wants the car back, remember?
Oh, so this is your mum's car?
- What?
- It's your mum's car?
- Oh, the car?
- Yeah, no, that's cool, man.
No, no, no. I just let her borrow it
for a little while and just...
- Oh.
- Who cares?
Where's your plus-one, honey?
Mm? Oh, no, I'm...
I'm flying solo tonight.
Oh. My husband's away
getting his hip replaced.
Oh, yeah? Ouch.
If you need a co-pilot, let me know.
Thank you.
Just gonna take one more.
Don't walk away from me
I'm not the kind
that likes to be put down
don't leave me standing there
- I'm not the kind that likes...
- thanks.
It finishes nicely.
What are you doing here, Jon?
Um, well, the arse fell out of writing,
so I thought I'd just,
um, try hospitality.
How can you even think this is...
Remotely appropriate?
A man's gotta eat.
Oh, no, wait. Stop, sue.
Stop, stop, please.
Um, I wanted to see you, so...
Alright, so you just thought you'd...
show up like nothing's happened?
I'm doing my best
to get over you, Jon.
Yeah, you aced that one, eh?
Well, you know,
I'm actually surprised.
For a specialist in the law
of intellectual property
that a body in search of a brain cell
would be your type.
- But... That's cool.
- Come on.
I get it. I get it. Suzie, he probably, you
know, satisfies in other ways, right?
He's probably hung like a fucking...
That's no way to treat the help.
You have arrived
at your destination.
- Oh!
- Shit!
Dude, hey, you scared
the crap out of me.
- Jon, hey.
- Hey.
It's Halloween, eh?
It's... it's Halloween, right?
No. We're, um...
We're marching on parliament tomorrow
to protest the death of animal rights.
There's this horrific bill in front
of the house that needs stopping.
Yeah, no, it's great.
You should do, like, a barbecue.
Which is like a protest and a lunch.
Hey, I left my laptop in the mini.
Oh, um, Luke's just over there.
Hey, some of these guys get too
carried away, eh?
- Chianti?
- No.
- Hey, session?
- No.
Ok, well, let me know
if you change your mind,
'cause my auntie grows it
in Motueka.
- Rough night?
- No. No, it was awesome.
It was just like my morning.
I crashed and burned.
Bro, I reckon you should just
have some chill-out time
and just, you know...
You know what, man?
I'm like a Phoenix.
I'm gonna rise from the ashes, bro.
In fact, I'm gonna... I'm gonna
smash out that novel right now.
I'm gonna smash it out.
You've got a, uh... A backup, right?
Of course I do, fool.
It's in my car.
Rise from those ashes, bro.
Oh. Wake up, man.
- Luke! Luke, wake up!
- Hmm?
We have to go.
They're marching already.
- Mm?
- Come on.
- What? Where are we going?
- The march.
Oh, shit.
Wake the fuck up, man.
Oh, what happened
to Jon last night?
Oh. 5-0.
This is harassment.
We've got a right to protest.
Getting evidence of this.
Hey! Whoa!
- Holy shit. What are you doing?
- Hey, I want to get off!
- Can't let them silence the lambs.
- Oh!
"Jon he 'baa!"
Hey, I wanna get off!
Oi! I wanna get off! Luke!
I'm on the roof! I wanna get off!
Is that Jon?
Hey, watch where you're going!
Holy sh...
- Quick, get in the back.
- What?
- Get in the back.
- Oh, my god, Luke.
Ah, now the protest... oh, shit.
I think I need a coffee,
um, or maybe just like
a blue powerade or something.
Watch out!
Just trying to get my seat belt on.
Oh, that's me. I'll get it.
You'll lose your license!
Hey, Noah.
Bro, so I heard about the wedding.
Well done.
That was an impressive balls-up,
even by your high standards.
You know, you could have told me
that she was dating an ubermensch.
What are you talking about?
The blonde guy
in the fruity suit, man.
Oh, ok. No, that would've been Hugo,
Nick's brother. He's gay.
She's dating a gay guy? What
the fuck? How's that gonna work?
No, you dick, not dating him.
Hugo was Suzie's support person
at the wedding.
- Ah!
- Oh!
She's still cut up
about it all, mate.
- Argh!
- Where the hell are you, anyway?
- What are those sirens?
- Um, that's just movies.
- You know, it's a car chase.
- Let me out!
How do you even know all this?
Mrs d rang me.
And, shit, bro, you're bloody lucky
she's deleted your number
'cause the old girl let rip,
and now I'm to tell you to
stay away from her daughter.
I know, bro,
but I warned you not to go, ok?
She flew down south
to Mrs D's this morning,
and then she's taken
some flash job.
Oh... Shit!
Yeah, afraid so.
- Just let it go, dude.
- Right here!
Hey, the background noise
is killing me, mate.
Call me back
after you finish watching
that shitty Michael bay flick
or whatever it is.
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, my god!
- Wanker!
- Luke, slow down!
Oh, bro, can you speed that VOM up?
We have a situation here.
- Really? Ohh.
- Oh, man.
Here they are!
Freedom of sheep!
Ban live exports!
Shit, what are you doing?
We're meant to join them.
- Hugo's gay.
- Luke, stop!
What are you doing?
I am such a fuck-up!
Oi! Luke!
Jon! Make him stop!
What the fuck are you doing?!
Police. Alright?
- It's a dead end.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, it can't end like this.
- Yes, it can.
Police coming through.
- Excuse me.
- Move! Get out of the way!
Get out.
Come on, Jon.
What? What are you...?
Wait. Stop. Stop.
Stop the oar. Luke. Luke!
- Oh, genius.
- Luke, what are you doing?
(He)', guys! Guys, here!
- Open the door!
- What?
Open the door more!
Oh, no, no, no, no. Not the oar.
- Open the door!
- Luke!
No! Oh, no, no, no, no!
Not the car! Fuck! Shit!
We made it!
Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Bro, where's this thing headed?
I don't know, man, but you've
got balls for brains, bro!
- That was awesome!
- I'm a genius!
You're a maniac.
Get the fuck away from me!
What did you do?
She's pretty upset, man.
Hey. You ok?
He nearly killed us, Jon.
Who the hell is he
trying to impress?
I mean... I could hazard a guess.
You know what? I can't change
that vote stuck here.
Maybe you could, um, like... Like,
blog or tweet or something?
You don't get it, do you, Jon?
It takes so much more than
mouse clicks to make a difference.
There are...
Forget it.
God knows what you two are up to,
but I'm not risking my life for
some stupid game of hot wheels.
I wanna impact change, alright,
not some bloody lamp post.
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Holy shit.
What are you doing? Bro! Whoa!
Can't let them
silence the lambs.
I promise I won't slap you again...
if you promise to stop when I ask.
Sorry for slapping you.
You could try and kiss it better.
Wrong side.
Check us out.
- Bonnie and Clyde.
- Who?
Famous outlaws.
Never got caught.
Never ever?
Not alive.
Sounds riveting.
They copped about 167 bullets
in 20 seconds, I think.
- What?
- Bonnie and Clyde, the hail of lead.
Trust you to recall the fun facts.
You're not so bad
at that yourself, Keira.
You ever had a fantasy, Jon?
Surely you've wanted to be someone
glamorous, daring, romantic
at some point in your life?
- You speak French?
- Oui.
Un peu.
You haven't been to France,
have you?
I speak English
and I've never been to England.
I've never seen a diamond
in the flesh
I cut my teeth
on wedding rings...
- This here.
- Oh, yeah.
- In the movies...
- one more.
And we'll never be royals
It don't run in our blood
that kind of Lux just ain't for us
we crave
a different kind of buzz
let me be your ruler
you can call me queen bee
and, baby, I'll rule
I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule
let me live that fantasy.
It's good!
Awful. Wait, wait, wait.
Stop. Stop a second.
Ok, I wanna make a toast,
everyone, so...
- Um, ok, to... To pork pie.
- Yuck.
Oh, no, he's meaning the hat.
- It's a pork pie hat.
- Oh.
And, hey,
to an unsilenceable lamb.
And to me, ok?
To me making invercargill.
Like, what?
Suzie's down there. I'm gonna
go patch things up with her.
Didn't that plan fail already?
Oh, no. I mean, yeah.
Yeah, sort of.
I mean, I've since realised,
you know, that I just...
I gotta apologise about... Things.
See, anyway.
Apologise for what? Maybe I can
give you some womanly advice.
No, it's just, um...
- Suzie's awesome.
- Mm-hm.
You know, like, she's awesome,
and, uh, I just... I wasn't sure.
You weren't sure about what?
About what I was bringing
to the table. About me.
So, um, yeah.
So I just... I didn't go.
You didn't go where?
To our wedding.
Your own wedding?
It's a little bit of a fuck-up,
I know. I get that.
Oh, whoa.
Dude, that's...
Oh, well, looks like
we're going to Invercargill.
Come on. Look, man,
you wanna get to Suzie, right?
- Yeah.
- Then cheers, 'cause we're going.
To making invercargill.
I should warn you.
I've got two rules.
I only do it once
and feelings
can't come into it, ok?
I, um...
can't promise no feelings.
Then it's no deal.
You have to protect yourself, Luke.
What if I break
your precious little heart?
It... It would have been worth it...
to have these feelings.
Oh... Fuck.
I have you so close that
your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes
close with my dreams.
You think...
You hate it, don't you?
- No.
- You just want...
Where did you learn French?
Mum was a French teacher.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She started tutoring me
when I was about... 2.
And where's mum now?
She passed.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to...
- Oh.
Speak some French to me.
That sounds pretty romantic.
What'd you say?
I said you have...
mean boobies.
You little shit!
Bloody typical.
Oh. Um...
I think we should get off.
I mean, like, the three of us.
I mean off the train.
The three of us
should get off the train
'cause we're about
to get to the stop soon.
Oh, god.
Hey, we're almost at the station.
Where's Keira, man?
...The humane treatment of pets
and livestock to get behind us.
We're taking our message
the length of New Zealand,
all the way to invercargill.
Keira! Come on!
What are you guys doing?
We can't take this.
- I'm not leaving it.
- Why not?
Because if we leave it,
then they'll definitely know
we're in the south island.
Come on, Keira. We gotta go.
We gotta go.
It's happening in three seconds.
- One, two...
- You're a little shit.
I can't believe it!
Ok. Let's do this.
Whoo! Yeah!
Like this, like this
let's do it...
Hey, hey, this is my jam.
How many dudes you know
roll like this?
How many dudes
you know flow like this?
Not many, if any
not many, if any
how many dudes you know
got the skills
to go and rock a show like this?
Uh-uh, uh-uh
I don't know anybody
I don't know anyone.
You've got a little boy band
going on here.
Yes, put me out, I'm on fire.
You're... you're hitting
the spot, mate.
How many dudes
you know roll like this?
How many dudes you know
flow like this?
Not many, if any
not many, if any
how many dudes you know
got the skills
to go and rock a show like this?
Come on, Suzie.
Hello? Davidson residence.
Yes, hello.
Is Suzie Davidson there, please?
- Who is this?
- Uh, it's tom here from, uh...
um, tom thumb nurseries,
and, uh, Suzie was inquiring
about some geraniums,
so I'm just returning her call.
Jon, is this you?
Uh, no.
This is not Jon.
I don't even know who Jon is.
Ah! Mrs d,
please don't hang up. I just need to...
What? Holy shit! No way!
Where'd you get that?
It's a gift from your mate,
Dr Hannibal Lecter.
I don't have any papers, though.
- Boom.
- Boom.
See right through you
flyin', highin'
Freddy voodoo...
lucid dreaming
magic wonder...
Ok. Swapsies.
See this spell I'm under
make you wander...
- With that rhythm...
- yeah.
This was a good idea.
Oh, I am craving
some chips and some
hokey-pokey ice-cream, man.
- Oh, my god.
- Yes. Hokey-pokey.
- Hokey-pokey.
- Yes.
- Can we get some?
- Yes.
- I could actually do with hokey-pokey.
- Wait, I thought you were vegan.
- No!
- No. Oh, no. This is a dilemma.
- Oh, shit.
- But we want it.
Keira1 I want it!
I got the wandering eye...
I'm hungry.
I got the wandering eye
mm-mm, mm-hm, hmm
I got the wandering eye
Have you ever made love
when you're high?
I'm not high.
Oh, yeah. But I am.
Come on.
Goodnight, sir.
We all recognise
that when one or other goes,
the other one goes
within a very short space of time.
Oh, hey, do you have any of those,
urn, like, cassava chips?
And maybe like a beetroot dip?
I just got chip chips.
Yesterday's spectacular police chase
through the capital has gone viral,
already clocking
4 million views on YouTube.
These guys are crackerjacks.
Have you seen this?
The activists responsible for the
mayhem uploaded this message.
Our disobedience is civil
and it's just,
and we're taking our message
the length of New Zealand,
all the way to invercargill.
They've been dubbed the blondini
gang by fans on social media,
and have ignited a viral spike
not seen since nek minnit
or the ice bucket challenge.
That is the new
Cooper s right there.
...Antics have caused
a nation-wide sensation.
Um... uh...
Right, that is $17.95, thank you.
Police are trying to identify
the daring trio
who claim to be continuing
their crusade for animal rights
all the way to invercargill.
Guys, we... oh. Oh.
Oh, Luke. Oh, my...
Nice day for it.
This is not so funny, Keira.
What do you mean viral?
How many hits?
I don't know. Like, it's massive.
Like, ok, like the ice bucket
challenge thing.
The ice bucket...? That's awesome.
- No, it's not awesome.
- Yes, it is.
It's not awesome. They know
where we are and what we look like.
- When did you upload all of that?
- You didn't even tell him?
The protest stopped trending, alright?
I had to do something.
So, wait, you're just gonna
start a manhunt for Luke and I
and then just walk away looking
like phantom of the opera?
Oh, come on. That is not what I...
You guys didn't wanna
wear them, alright?
Anyway, they don't know
where we are.
They'll be tracking the sim
from your uploads, Keira.
They can't. It's in flight mode.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- I switched on data.
- What? When did you do that?
Well, back at the lake.
I downloaded that game.
Oh, Luke, you idiot!
Ok, ok, just everyone, please.
Just everyone
turn their phones off.
Keep going.
We'll escape somehow.
Bonnie and Clyde, right?
Bonnie and Clyde didn't leak
a behind-the-scenes video.
Hey, I've been the one
saying ditch the mini.
Not happening-
why not?
It's not even yours, is it, Luke?
Or your mum's. You stole it.
It's one big, fat yellow lie.
Maybe you can just apologise, Keira.
But for what, Jon? For having
the guts to stand up for something?
Look, Keira,
your protest is awesome,
but you've basically told everyone
where we are
and where we are headed.
Let me out.
What? Keira,
we're knee-deep in sheep.
- You're not...
- Let me fucking out.
I'm just trying to do
something meaningful, ok?
What are you two even doing?
I mean, fuck me!
It's like being stuck in a car
between no cause and a lost one.
She's never gonna have you back,
Jon. You're not enough man.
And you,
you need to realise that there's more
to life than boy fucking racing!
I actually thought those were the
three qualities she admired in you.
You should clean this up, you know!
There's shit all over the road!
It's disgusting!
I'll go get her.
Copy that, all units.
That's a go for a sweep of the town.
- Whoa!
- Moving on, moving on!
- Go, man. Go.
- That's Keira.
- Keira!
- Go, Luke.
- Fuck!
- Get out of the car!
Go, man, go.
They're about half a k back.
You did all you could, man.
I reckon
they're just dead-set legends.
So it doesn't bother
you that they're breaking the law?
It's giving the finger to those
idiots up in the beehive. Legends.
Well, I believe our next caller
knows one of them.
Becca from Auckland.
Hi there, Becca.
Hi, Paul.
Hi there.
We believe you know the older guy.
Heroes or downright reprobates?
What's the deal?
Um, well,
he's not exactly a hero,
but, you know,
he's not a bad guy either.
He just made a really bad call.
What do you mean?
The veganism?
Or his penchant
for civil disobedience?
I mean a really bad call.
"Paul". Worse than going vegan?
It's actually a really sad story.
They were sweethearts since uni.
- Who were?
- Him and his fiance, Suzie.
But, you know, he just...
Oh, I'm sorry. I've gotta go.
No, no, no, Becca.
You called for a reason.
What exactly did he do?
He did a no-show at their wedding,
and now he wants her back.
Oh, fantastic!
What a total plonker!
This guy is a legend,
you're absolutely right. Legendary...
Oh! Oh! Argh! Son of a bitch.
That mini was stolen
long before I took it.
But it wasn't mine to take.
When mum passed...
I took to the speedway,
and I felt closer to her.
I won almost every race.
But I owed a chop shop crew
for the stock car and all the gear.
So I started working for them,
stripping hot cars, drug runs,
wheel man on burgs, you name it.
But that's not me, bro.
Keira was right.
I'm all shit.
No, you're the ballsiest dude
I've ever met.
You're inspiring to me.
I mean, look at me, man.
Shit, I've...
I got kicked out of my flat,
I got fired by my publisher,
and I've been run to ground
by, you know, pretty much
every cop in New Zealand.
I got bagged out on national radio.
Those bastards.
But I never felt more alive.
Screw the novel. You showed me
how to write my own destiny, man.
That's where it's at.
I'm going all the way.
I gotta get to Suzie.
But, I mean, you know,
the Suzie mission, it's mine,
so, you know, you don't...
I mean, it's...
If you think that...
Oh, yeah. That's a fair call.
That's a fair call, man.
I mean, everyone's got
their own path to take.
Bro, are we taking that car
to Invercargill
or you plan on
hitching in your undies?
Whatever it takes, man.
Whatever it takes.
Well, there's your GPS fuse.
That's cool.
Are you getting baked, bro?
Weed sharpens my mind.
I do some of my clearest
thinking on weed.
And it sharpens my mind as well.
- You look ridiculous.
- Hey, shit's getting real.
Lay off the weed, bro.
This ain't 'call of duty'.
The road south's no good.
Come on, pork pie.
A couple of cops
never stopped you before.
Open country, choppers,
nowhere to hide.
That actually does sound
like 'call of duty'.
Do you want me
to cause a diversion?
Ok. Why don't you call 111
and tell them we're over there?
You're a genius. I'll do it.
Jon, I was joking, man!
It's them. It's the blondini phone.
Uh, put it on speaker.
Slow down, man.
Ah! Shit!
Yes! Yes! That's what
I'm talking about, brother! Whoo!
Hey, look at those people.
Those people recognise us.
They're like fans
or friends or something.
Freedom of sheep!
Freedom of sheep!
Don't let them pull the wool
over your eyes, ladies!
Don't eat your friends for dinner!
Sir, that is a nice jumper.
Clearly a sheep lover.
Ah, fuck off.
Ah. Oh.
Maybe could've phrased
that last one a little bit better.
Hey, guys!
Pull over! Hey!
Wait, who...? Who is that?
- Hey, guys, pull over!
- Who does he think he is?
- Who do you think you are?
- I'm bongo.
I'm a mate, yeah? You guys
are amazing. I love you guys.
- Nah, nah, man. I don't trust him.
- Yeah, nah. We're ok, man.
- You guys are fucked!
- Hey, that's not friendly.
I'm just calling it like it is, eh?
The cops have blocked all the roads
between here and Clyde.
They've got two choppers, eh,
sweeping up from the south.
They're after you, man.
They're after ya!
Where? How does he know that?
- It's a...
- No, no, ask him.
- Oh, oh. How do you know that?
- I've got a police scanner, eh?
He's got a police scanner.
Nah, man. If he wants to follow us,
he can get a Twitter account.
- Sorry, man, nah, we're good.
- I'm on Twitter.
- No, we're all good.
- I'm here to help!
- Fucking crazy.
- You need some petrol, guys?
I can get you some petrol.
I can source that for you.
I've got it back in my shed.
I've also got some mannequins.
Slide it in, mate. Just slide it in
nice and tight. Yeah, that's it.
I can help you guys if you want.
Anything you need.
Uh, petrol's all we need.
I can get a... hey, I can get us
50 K's south through the farm, yeah?
Slip the noose.
So we... so...
Uh, there's no us, bro.
How much do we owe you
for the gas?
I'll Chuck in the gas for free
as a joining fee.
There's... there's no joining.
But you're one man down, mate.
Yeah, and I'm...
No, we're not a man down.
We're good.
It's good, bro. We're good.
When it comes down to it, guys,
you're gonna need
some hardware, right?
Um, we're a peaceful protest, mate.
I can shoot a man 3 k away
with this one.
Yeah, he wouldn't even know
what hit him.
He could be doing anything.
He could be, I don't know...
He could be hanging out
his washing, for example.
Yeah? And thinking to himself,
"I've got a little bit of a bloat."
"Maybe I should switch
to almond milk."
And then I'm there, and then bang!
He's dead.
And his last thought
was almond milk.
Hey, Pongo, we're just gonna
take the gas, I think...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- The name is bongo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro.
Easy. Look, look, look. It's all good.
You... you passed. You passed.
Passed what?
This test.
This whole thing was just a test.
What? What kind of test?
- Well, um...
- What the fuck was the name? Quick.
- The blondini...
- Yeah, blondini.
- Test.
- The blondini test.
We just wanted to see if you'd go
all the way, and you took it...
All the way, man. All the way.
Yes, yes. You nailed it, man.
- That was all a test?
- Yeah, it was a test.
You just tested me,
and I pa... And I passed?
- Yeah, bro.
- Yes, congratulations, man.
I nailed it. Oh, my god,
you guys are crack-up.
'Cause I almost blew his brains out
for calling me Pongo.
- And it was just a test?
- Yeah, I saw that.
I saw that coming.
And then I would've taken you out
too, mate, and then myself.
But, anyway, c'est la vie.
Ok, here's the plan.
I'll go and get my stuff.
And then... Hit the road, Jack.
Get the petrol can.
You guys are gonna love these.
Oi! No!
Go! Go, man, go!
'Oh' my god!
Holy shit!
- Wake up!
- Calm yourself! Calm yourself!
- We need to get home, man!
- Yes, yes, I'm doing!
He fucking fired
a rocket launcher,
so just give me a second,
please, to...
Where the fuck are we?
Which way? Left or right?
Yeah, left. Left.
Left, man.
No, no, no, left. Left.
- The map's upside down.
- What?
I didn't know
they did upside-down maps.
Why would you even
bother with that?
I've been shot.
- Do you know who did this?
- Yes.
- Do you know who shot you?
- Yeah, the blondini gang.
- The Blondinis?
- Yes, they're driving...
Yes, they're driving around
in an apricot mini,
and they're shooting
whoever they see.
- Ok.
- I was the only...
I was the only one
smart enough to survive.
Go, go, go!
Assembly port b.
Quick smart, guys.
What's going on?
It's armed response.
What do you mean armed?
Guns. Armed usually means guns.
- Ha!
- Got your speech ready?
- My what ready?
- Your speech.
About what you're
gonna say to Suzie.
No. You got any ideas?
- No, I don't have any ideas.
- You brought it up.
- You must have some ideas.
- I'm not in your situation.
- I haven't been in your situation.
- Ok, alright! I think I'm gonna...
Yes, I've got some things to say.
- Well, hit me.
- I didn't...
I'm... I'll just...
I'll go with the moment.
Detective, what's going on?
Wait, this isn't about
the boys, right? But...
- Come on.
- Is it?
Come on, hurry up!
- Oh!
- Shit. Sorry!
I'm gonna try that phone box.
Ok, I'll get us a feed.
- Mum, have you seen my phone?
- No, darling.
Oh, it's so weird.
I thought I left it in here charging,
but I can't find it anywhere.
- Aw.
- I need to book my taxi.
Did you know
your land line's unplugged?
Oh, yes, I did it.
Telemarketing vulture's been
bothering me all week.
Hello. Davidson residence.
I'm just gonna go take a piss.
Blondini gang
member Keira Leigh-Jones
has caused further
embarrassment to police
by streaming this plea
while in custody.
We're a peaceful protest,
so please,
I need you all to challenge
this police action.
If you can tweet your support,
post to our...
Justin, all cars.
There's been a shooting in Roxburgh.
Suspects are the blondini gang.
They're believed to be
armed and dangerous
and heading south in a mini Cooper s,
registration lz6393.
I repeat - iz6393.
There's no way the boys would have
been involved in that alleged shooting.
Violence goes against
everything we stand for.
Ban live exports!
Miss Leigh-Jones rejected...
in the interest of public safety,
they're taking allegations
of a shooting spree...
The police response
has sparked an outcry
among fans on Twitter
and Instagram,
with many saying the armed
offenders squad mobilisation
is a major overreaction.
Hey, Luke! Man, come on.
It's the cops.
Come on.
Bro, it's the...
What's going on, man?
Get down on the ground, sir.
Get down on the ground.
Oh, no. Oh, jeez.
You shot him!
- What's going on, pup?
- It's the Blondinis. They're armed.
Do you see any guns, dipshit?!
It's ok, mate. It's alright.
- We gotta stop that bleeding.
- Step away, sir.
- These men are dangerous.
- You're the one that's dangerous, mate.
Step away, sir.
Step away, sir!
If you don't put that thing down
and get some help for my mate,
I'm gonna shove it up
your arse, ok?!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Call for an air ambulance
and some backup.
- Hey, man, it's... it's ok.
- Sorry, man.
No, no, it's all good. It's all good.
Help's on the way. It's all good.
- I'll be all good, man.
- Yeah.
I'll be all good.
You need to get to invercargill.
No, man. I'm not... I'm not
taking the car without you, bro.
You're taking that car
to Invercargill, bro.
No, I'm not going without you.
- You need to go, bro.
- I'm not leaving without you, ok?
- I'm not leaving without you.
- Bro, you need to go!
Oh, fuck.
Goodbye, pork pie.
Hey! Hey, you, stop!
Move the truck! Can we
move the truck, please, sir?
Sir, I'll take over here.
Can you please move the truck?
Come back here!
Will you come back here?!
Stop! Get the truck out of the way!
I'm taking this bloody car
to invercargill!
Speculation is rife on social media
that the Blondinis
may have been unarmed.
This is just not on. It's not on.
...Firing a single shot,
wounding the male.
Hello, fats.
Are you watching the telly?
Apparently desperate to get
to his former fiancee...
I know.
Yeah. It's time to get the lads out.
Would the driver of the mini
pull over and surrender your weapon?
Surrender your weapon.
This is a police operation. I repeat,
the driver of the mini, pull over.
Surrender your weapon.
Hello, Davidson residence.
Oh, Mrs d! Look, I'm sorry, ok? Just
please don't fucking hang up, ok?
I really need to speak to Suzie.
- Please!
- It's me, Jon.
Oh, Suzie, hi! It's... hi.
I actually, um...
I can't talk. I'm packing, so...
Um, why? Where are you going?
I need a fresh start, Jon.
I decided to take that UK gig.
Well, um, I've gotta go.
The... the taxi's here, so...
No, no, no. Suze, don't. Don't.
Please don't. Please.
This is all fucked up.
This is all fucked up, ok?
I fucked it up. I fucked it up.
You're an incredible person,
and you didn't deserve to be
treated like that, alright? I...
I just didn't think you'd want
to spend the rest of your life
with a loser like me, ok,
and so I broke it.
I broke it.
And it was a prick of a thing to do,
and, actually, it was unforgivable.
It was unforgivable.
And I don't expect you
to take me back.
I don't... I, um...
Shit, I don't even expect you to talk
to me again ever. I just, um...
I just... I want you to know
that I think you're the most
beautiful person that I have met.
And you're perfect.
And I blew it.
I blew it.
Where are you?
About half an hour out of town.
You came down?
Yeah. Yeah, I just thought I'd pop
down to see you.
Ok, we can meet
at the casa Del mar
at 7 o'clock for... 10 minutes
and while my taxi's waiting, ok?
Ok, Suze, here's the thing.
It's quite... I'm in a...
Jon, just show up
for me, alright?
Be nice to know what that feels like.
Who was that?
Oh, urn, yeah,
the telemarketing people again.
Deployment of police
and armed response personnel.
It appears the blondini mini is being
funnelled towards the deployment.
Driver of the mini, pull over.
Surrender your weapon.
I repeat -
surrender your weapon.
Pull over immediately.
This is a police operation.
I repeat - surrender your weapon.
Fats, you little cracker!
Fats! Southland mini club!
- How you going?
- I've been better.
Just follow the clown
in the white JCW.
Ok, thanks, man,
but this... This isn't your problem.
Nah, you fucked up, bro.
We need to get you to the missus
so you can sort it out, eh?
All mini drivers
must pull over immediately.
Oh wait, what's a...?
What's a JCW?
All mini drivers
pull over immediately.
Get out of the car!
Hands in the air!
Up! Up! Up! Up!
Keep in touch.
- Oh.
- Love you.
I love you too.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Does Suzie Davidson live here?
- So you don't know where she is?
- I don't know who she is.
Yeah! Yes!
You fuckers!
Oh, shit.
Take out the tyres.
Ha ha!
The prime news team's following
what is now a fiery beacon
as it drives across town.
Surely, the whole country is watching
as police again close in on the mini,
which has reappeared on fire.
Yes, Simon.
I'm just hoping that
it doesn't end in further tragedy.
"Reporter". Surely this
incredible drama is near its close.
- Suzie?
- Jon.
What have you done?
Just kiss her!
Armed police. Get down on
the ground. Get down on the ground.
This is what it's like, Suzie.
What what's like?
Me showing up for you.
scenes here in Invercargill.
...Armed response units...
Armed police, calm down!
Oh, give them a minute!
Give them a minute!
Get down!
Can you just move...
Move down a little bit?
You'll need a lawyer, won't you?
My hands are tied
oh, I could be a victim
when my tongue won't move...
It's not illegal to have a pash,
is it, guys? It's ok to do that, eh?
It's totally legal.
When I needed you most
I couldn't find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn't say a word
my hands truly tied
yeah, I know I'm a prisoner
when my tongue wouldn't move
you have it tied
with your heartstrings again...
- How you feeling, mate?
- Hmm? Good. I feel good.
- She's a little bit late.
- Ooh.
It's alright.
They always do that.
When I needed you more
I couldn't say a word...
Uh, just sign this
before you take him away.
When I needed you most
- I couldn't find the language...
- cheers.
Where is he?
When I needed you more
I couldn't say a word...
- Where?
- Shit.
One day a heap on the ground
next day I'm so proud
today I don't know
I don't know
( he)'
when I needed you more
couldn't say a word
couldn't say a word.