Porky's (1982) Movie Script
1
"Get up, get up, you sleepyheads"
Get up, get outta bed
Good morning, Angel Beach. It's April 12.
This is Gene Morrison coming to you
from WACN Angel Beach,
nestled by the shore
in fabulous South Florida.
It's a bright and beautiful spring day.
President Eisenhower's running a tight
ship, with his hand steady on the helm.
The stars are secure in the firmament and the
rent's paid, so all's right with the world.
"So get up, get up, you sleepyheads"
Get up, get outta bed
Let's get out there
and get America moving forward.
It's 64 degrees, expecting to reach
a high of 76 - not a drop of rain in sight.
Good news for the beach bunnies,
but bad news for the farm boys.
Now, to help you start the day,
the singin'rage, Miss Patti Page.
"It gives me a thrill"
Edward. You'll be late for school.
Edward? Up. Right now.
I've got things to do. You hear?
Hit the floor, right now.
"You're welcome as the flowers"
on Mockingbird Hill
Edward Morris.
You be at the breakfast table in five
minutes, or you don't play ball this week.
- Pee Wee, what's wrong?
- Nothing. I pulled a muscle in my groin.
Be careful. Your father wants you to drop
him at the office. His car won't start.
- And pick up those clothes at the tailor's.
- Instant eunuch.
"To wake up in the morning"
to the mockingbird's trill
"There's peace and goodwill"
"You're welcome as the flowers"
on Mockingbird Hill
Shit.
It is. It's gettin' shorter.
Shit.
"And survey all my kingdom"
while everything's still
- Hey! Did you get your coloured guy?
- Does a fat dog fart?
- Well, what's he look like?
- Like a Zulu.
- Six foot four, two huge gold teeth.
- Great.
- Where'd you find him?
- My old man's construction company.
He doesn't know what I'm talkin' about,
but he's willin'.
- And he'll do it for ten bucks.
- Ten bucks? Not bad.
- You sure the broad's all set?
- Oh, it's no problem.
Jarvis, you stupid redneck.
You better duck, you suckers,
when Jarvis is at the wheel.
- Billy Boy. Y'all get the nigger?
- Come on, Jarvis.
- You mean "the coloured guy", "the negro".
- Poor white trash.
- Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
- That's colourful redneck humour, right?
- Right. Kiss my rebel ass.
- Should be writin' these down.
Immigrants. Go on back to Michigan
and kiss ass with all the negroes.
This is Dixie, baby.
How come you don't have
four names like most hillbillies?
Like Billy Joe Jim Bob,
or Flora Mae Sally Sue?
Hey, man. I had a cousin named Billy Joe
Jim Bob, and he was killed in the war.
Gee, I didn't know, Mickey. I'm sorry.
- Anyway, d'you get the negro?
- Yeah, we got one.
Guy's six four, has gold teeth -
the meanest-Iookin' mother you ever saw.
Hot damn! They're gonna croak. Who's goin'?
Hey, Tommy. Wait a minute.
- Did you get it?
- I found a place that's got one.
Well, don't let me down.
I'm gonna get that little creep.
- Who's she gonna get?
- Pee Wee.
- Didn't you hear about the other night?
- No.
- Are you sure you didn't?
- No.
Well, we figure we gotta get Pee Wee laid,
so I fix him up with Wendy.
Pee Wee and Wendy? Damn,
I thought she had better taste than that.
Well, all he had to do was knock it off.
They're makin' out, and you know Wendy.
She reaches down, she unzips his fly
and she grabs his cock, and guess what?
- What?
- The little bastard already had a rubber on.
- Oh, bullshit.
- I swear.
Wendy told me. Why would she lie?
Horny mother wore a rubber to his date.
She got so pissed off
she wouldn't let him touch her.
- Hi. I'm Mindy. Can I ask you somethin'?
- Yeah, sure.
Why do they call you "Meat"?
- I don't know.
- Wendy Williams told me I should ask ya.
She did?
Why do they call you "Meat"?
Cos you're so big?
- Yeah, sorta.
- Not "sorta". Why?
- Do you really wanna know?
- Yes.
- OK. Come on. I'll show ya.
- Meat. Wait, wait, wait.
- She's only a freshman.
- After this, she'll be a senior.
But if you get suspended again, you'll
never get that scholarship to Princeton.
Now think about that.
- I'm sorry, babe. No cigar. Can't do it.
- He won't tell me.
Shoot.
- Hey, you guys. Wait up.
- Speakin' of horny mothers, it's Ready Eddie.
- Be serious. I'm goin' tonight, right?
- Even a nymphomaniac has standards.
She lives with a black stud.
He's gonna cut your pecker off.
- Yeah, he's bringin' a pair of tweezers.
- I don't care. She likes to screw, right?
Especially young guys.
The more the merrier.
- Is she good-Iookin'?
- She's got a great body. Moves like an eel.
- Just the way I like 'em.
- As long as they're not dead...
I don't care if they're dead
as long as they're not too cold.
Let's not invite many guys -
we can all get her twice.
He's not even invited
and he's makin' up the guest list?
- You're not cuttin' me outta free nooky.
- All right. You're goin'. Now shut up.
- I'm goin'. Eight o'clock, right?
- Right.
- Wear your rubber.
- That lyin' bitch.
- I forgot which one is...
- This is the raw one...
- No. This is hard-boiled...
- Gonna get some action tonight?
- What are you talkin' about, Pee Wee?
- I'm goin' tonight. They said I can go.
- He'll be the comedy relief.
- She could use you for a recess period.
- Funny! What are you doin' with the eggs?
- What eggs?
- "What eggs"? Those eggs.
- Oh. These eggs.
- They're for you.
- For me?
Yeah. We thought you
might like to wear one.
Timmy...
- Funny.
- Not as funny as the look on your face.
- You gotta let me do it to somebody.
- I don't think there's anybody left.
- Oh, come on. There's gotta be somebody.
- I think we've done just about everybody.
Let me do Meat.
You gotta let me do Meat. Come on, Timmy.
OK. Now listen. The one in your left hand is
the raw egg, OK? That's the one you drop.
The one in your right hand is the
hard-boiled egg, the one you hit him with.
- Left hand raw, right hand smack him.
- Go get him, Tiger.
- Hi, Meat.
- Hi, Pee Wee. What's goin' on?
- Oh, nothin'.
- Guys.
Watch it. What are you, a psycho?
What's with the eggs?
- What eggs?
- Those eggs.
- Watch my lips. Those eggs.
- These eggs?
- Is there an echo here?
- They're for you.
- For me? What am I gonna do with 'em?
- Well, we thought you'd like to wear one.
- Morris, you're dead.
- I know.
Good morning, Miss Balbricker.
You look nice this morning.
Are you losing weight?
- Hot damn! You like to live dangerously.
- She wants a piece of your ass.
- Nice pass, captain.
- Too bad, Jew-boy.
Tim. What's your problem, man?
Oh, boy, would I like to get next to that.
- Yes. Lassie.
- Lassie?
- Patience, my boy, patience.
- Why d'you call her Lassie?
- Why do you think?
- I don't know.
Are you kiddin'? You callin' her a dog?
Fred, that's angel food cake.
You touch her, and the Food and Drug
Administration gets you for fuckin' food.
- Well, what can I tell you?
- You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Just get her up in the equipment room -
you'll find out.
- What are you talkin' about?
- But beware of King Kong.
Wait a minute. Come here, Fred.
- Hi, Miss Walker.
- Hi, Pee Wee.
- Tommy, Miss Walker's hot.
- Pee Wee, she just said hi to you.
Yeah, but did you see
the way she said hi to me?
Right, Pee Wee.
Boy, Miss Balbricker,
you put a lotta weight behind that one.
Coach Goodenough, would you kindly
keep your balls off my tumbling mat?
- Beg your pardon?
- The basketballs. Keep them in your court.
- I have little enough room as it is.
- I'll take care of that, Miss Balbricker.
Thank you.
- The girls' tumbling team just went in.
- Heck, those broads never take a shower.
- What about the majorettes?
- They're still out there.
- Yeah, well, keep lookin'.
- Ginny just went in.
Hey! You're not allowed
to think about her with her clothes off.
You aren't even allowed
to look at her with her clothes on.
Little dip.
Hey, Tim. I was thinkin',
maybe we oughta invite Brian tonight.
Why do we gotta invite a Jew?
All we need now is a Communist
and a spic and we'd have the whole bit.
You're really the tolerant type, Cavanaugh!
I notice you're still includin' yourself.
Broads are broads. I just don't see
why we gotta invite a kite.
Brian's a good guy.
Why don't you give him a chance?
- He's ajerk, and a Jew jerk at that.
- All right. We won't ask him.
You're a case, Cavanaugh.
- They just went in. Miss Walker's with 'em.
- I gotta put my shoes on.
You wouldn't know what to do
with Miss Walker even if she told ya.
Billy...
Billy.
Let's go. Come on.
Dammit. We missed 'em.
Kong.
- Dammit. I told you we were gonna miss 'em.
- That's OK, Pee Wee. We'll get 'em next time.
Miss Walker. A real
woman, and I missed her.
You're about to get laid by an exotic dancer.
That's a real woman.
Yeah, you're right.
I gotta go home and warm up.
Warm up?
- Slow down. It's about a quarter of a mile.
- Will they find this place?
- They'll be there. I took Conklin.
- I drew Cherry a map.
- Cherry?
- Cherry Forever.
- Cherry Forever?
- Her professional name.
- Bullshit.
- Her professional name.
Hot damn! Let's step on it.
OK. The coast is clear.
Let's go.
"The coast is clear."
Do you believe this dialogue?
Hey! Hey! Hold it.
What's goin' on here? Where are they goin'?
- They're goin' first. I'm sloppy second.
- I'm second.
Come on, Meat. If you go first,
nobody else'll be able to touch the sides.
Jeez.
OK. Cherry's ready.
- Everybody get their clothes off.
- What's this bullshit?
- She's gotta make sure you're clean. No VD.
- How's she gonna tell by lookin' at us?
She's done this so many times
she's practically a doctor.
And who's gonna inspect her?
You guys wanna get laid, or have a debate?
OK, I'm ready.
I'm gonna get laid.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
Hey! Come on, boys. No strippin',
no dippin'. Come on, let's go.
Watch me go.
- Come on, man.
- Relax, will ya, for cryin' out loud?
Wait a minute. How come
you guys ain't gettin' undressed?
- We got inspected last week.
- Lucky you.
- OK, Cherry.
- Come on, make a line. Look sharp.
Gentlemen... Gentlemen.
This is Miss Cherry Forever.
Cherry, this is Steve.
Hi, Steve.
Cough.
- And Cherry, this is Pee Wee.
- I'll say.
What do you use for ajockstrap, kid?
A peanut shell and a rubber band?
We might have to tie a board across his ass.
He's liable to fall in.
Bastard, Tommy.
Save your energy, Needle-Dick.
You're gonna need it.
And this is Tim.
- Hi, Tim.
- Howdy.
Cherry, meet Frank Bell.
Frankie?
It's crooked.
You been screwin' around corners?
And the pride of Angel Beach, Anthony
Tupperelo - affectionately known as "Meat".
My God, the boy's deformed.
OK, let's move it out.
- Yo.
- You guys take a number,
and sit down.
- We'll just be a minute.
- Yeah, we know.
- That boy really is deformed.
- I know.
- Billy, this is John Conklin.
- Hi, Conklin.
OK, Cherry, sit down.
- She touched your nuts.
- At least I got nuts.
Hey, wait. I got sloppy seconds,
you got ticklish thirds,
you got filthy fourths, you got
fall-in fifths, you're slippery sixth,
and you scrape her off
the mattress, Mickey.
OK, Cherry. Cherry, get it started.
Go ahead.
- Timmy, that's disg... Will you stop that?
- It wouldn't bother him.
Don't stop.
Come on, keep pumpin', baby. Yeah.
- You're next, Pee Wee. You're next.
- We're gonna get laid. Oh, she's hot.
- They're gonna shit.
- They're gonna shit.
They're gonna shit.
They're gonna shit.
Come on, Billy.
Go ahead. Go on.
- What are you guys doin'?
- Yeah, let's go.
- Give it to her, Billy.
- Oh, Billy. Keep pumpin'. Yeah.
Keep pumpin', Billy.
Come on, keep pumpin', Billy.
Tommy? Come on, baby.
Come on, Tommy. Get over here.
Don't stop. Billy. Oh, Billy.
- Oh, Billy. Oh, Tommy.
- Oh, shit.
Keep pumpin'. Come on. Come on, Billy.
Come on. Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Billy. You're so good I can't stand it.
Come on, baby.
Don't stop.
Oh, man. This broad must be from Brooklyn.
Come on, don't stop.
Hey, Cherry. Break the window.
What's goin' on? I'll kill you, white boy.
What the hell was that?
We didn't know she was your wife.
Besides, it wasn't me, it was him.
- You're both dead men.
- What's this bullshit?
- I'll kill you all, you peckerwoods.
- Look out, Tommy. Look out.
No.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
This way, Meat. Meat, this way. Run. Run.
You... you sons of bitches.
Wait, wait. Wait. Meat's still runnin'.
Come on, let's get him, guys.
- Slow night.
- Don't worry. That'll change soon enough.
What'd I tell ya?
Can't wait to hear this story.
I think I know that kid. Pee Wee Morris.
- The basketball player?
- A friend of Mickey's, my brother.
- Well, what should we do?
- Pull him over.
OK, pull over.
OK, let me see your driver's license.
Hey, Jarvis. I got
somethin' you can blow on.
Hey, Mick. It's your brother.
I got somethin'
you guys lost in the Everglades.
- You bastards. You left me out there.
- We thought you ran all the way home.
- If we hadn't seen him, he would have.
- Funny! A brother act.
- Tommy, where are my clothes?
- They're in my car.
Stop it, Meat. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Cindy and I are bringin' the kids over
on Sunday. I'll see you then?
Get rid of the beer, Cavanaugh.
I'm sorry about that, Officer Jarvis.
See you later, boys.
Tim. You get your ass over here.
Ginny, why don't you and
the girls go inside?
- Yes, sir?
- I heard you ran tail-ass from some nigger.
- No, we didn't.
- What's that?
Who is this guy?
- Tim's old man.
- Just got out of prison.
You get your ass on home, boy, right now.
- Shoulda left him there.
- What was he in for?
Manslaughter. Killed a guy in a fight
and tore his ear off with his bare hands.
Guess my old man's
not such a bad guy after all.
What are you lookin'
so glum about, Pee Wee?
Look, man, I gotta get laid. I go more
than a coupla weeks, I getjittery.
- So you're due for a nervous breakdown.
- Funny, Tommy. Real funny!
If he strikes out with Wendy Williams,
there's nothin' left but ham hocks.
Maybe there's a horny midget
eatin' her heart out, waitin' for Pee Wee.
- Come on, Meat. I'm serious.
- I'm just tryin' to help.
- We need professional help.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Porky's.
- Oh, come on. Don't start that stuff again.
- You crazy? You'll get your throat slit.
- All you gotta do is know how to operate.
- Porky is a badass redneck.
- You guys don't know how to talk redneck.
Porky is a businessman. He just imported
a load of Cuban broads. They're fantastic.
- How do you know?
- I got my sources. Upstairs is "Porky's Pen".
You can party with the Cubans as long as you
let 'em know you know what you're doin'.
- You sure?
- Does a bear shit in the woods?
- Let's go now.
- We got a game tomorrow.
- We need 30 bucks apiece.
- 30 bucks?
But anything goes. We can go Friday night.
It's "7" 0 miles out in the Everglades.
We got a game Saturday night.
What do you say, Turner?
Meat?
Well, you know my motto:
"Give me pussy or give me death."
Hot damn! There's my boy.
- You know, I never had any Cuban pussy.
- Right, Pee Wee... Right.
- "For the man who measures up."
- What is that?
- It's for Pee Wee.
- Where did you get it?
- Miami. One of those joke stores.
- Look at that.
- You're kiddin'.
- A ten-gallon condom.
- It looks like King Kong's rubber.
- D'you like it?
- I like it very...
- Jesus, Turner.
Hi, Pee Wee.
- OK, what'd you do now, Pee Wee?
- The little jerk put Bengay in my jockstrap.
You shoulda seen him
hoppin' around like the Easter bunny.
Who looks like the Easter bunny now?
- Hey, Pee Wee.
- What do you want?
- I got somethin' for ya.
- For me? What is it?
- It's kinda like a trophy.
- A trophy? What are you talkin' about?
- A trophy for you, my little Pee Wee.
- All right, a trophy. What for?
For being the biggest dickhead
I ever went out with.
Watch yourjock, Tommy. Watch yourjock.
Get 'em, best boy.
- Here, Meat. You can use that for a spare.
- Gimme a break, will ya, Turner?
- Wait a second.
- Pee Wee, you love it and you know it.
- Wendy, I will get you.
- You had your chance.
You know, Pee Wee,
you never looked so good.
Nice face, Wendy! Get outta here.
Hi, there.
Come on, girls. Don't be scared.
They love it. They love it.
Tommy. Tommy...
- "Your ass is mine" says Kong.
- No shit, Sherlock.
- Tommy...
- Turner, you're dead.
- Great defence!
- And you thought Jews were just smart.
Turner. I wanna talk to you.
Get in there, Young.
- Back to work.
- Bye.
Damn. Oh, God.
Well... Any luck?
We've been out twice. Zero, man. Zilch.
That girl wants to be loved for her mind.
You are drivin' me nuts with this howlin'.
What the hell does it mean? Come on, Fred.
Up there, Roy. Just get her up there,
and all things shall be made clear.
You're pullin' my chain, Fred.
The girl's a virgin.
- And the Pope's Jewish.
- All right.
So how do I get her up there? Put a rope
around her neck? Put handcuffs on her?
Guile, charm, persuasion...
And if that doesn't work, just ask her.
So what happened? Two days' suspension?
- Two games, and 2,000 laps.
- You're kiddin'.
I'm gonna nail her fat ass.
- Hey, Chief. What the hell is this?
- The sheriff's office.
In Wallacetown?
Where the hell's Wallacetown?
You're lookin' at it. It's Porky's
storm troopers. Porky Wallace, get it?
Get this.
Come on, man. Let's go.
- What's this?
- It's a Pigmobile.
It's got a pink interior.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, studs. Everyone got their ID?
I left my ID at home.
Every time we go somewhere,
you find some way to fuck it up.
Pee Wee, they'll take your word for it.
- I knew we shouldn't have brought him.
- I didn't do it on purpose, Tim.
Will y'all knock it off? Jesus.
Meat, give Pee Wee your ID.
- It's got my picture on it.
- You could be twins. Got any other cards?
- Here, use this.
- That's my Bible-school card.
Who'd believe a guy with
a Bible-school card would lie? Act cool.
- Think you can handle that?
- Yeah, sure.
Act like you come here all the time,
but don't overdo it.
- I won't overdo it.
- Let's go.
Yeah, OK.
- It's a coupla years since I been to the joint.
- Yeah, sure. A regular.
- Stop talkin' and start drinkin'.
- How's Porky?
I haven't seen ol' Porky in...
Holy shit. It's a pussy stampede.
Come on, Tiger. Let's go get 'em.
- Whaddaya want? Beer?
- Yeah, beer would be good.
Heart throbs
Heart throbs
Heart throbs, heart throbs
- That's a buck.
- I'll take care of this.
It's a buck apiece.
- Wanna take a peek?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Two.
- Yeah, let's see 'em both.
It means it'll cost you
two bucks to see 'em, stupid.
Oh, shit, I knew that. I'm just tryin'
to have some fun with the broad.
This broad's hot. She's really hot.
She took the seat beside me
and we rode to paradise
Heart throbs
- Way to go, Tiger.
- You sure took care of those guys.
The guy tried to muff-dive
one of the strippers.
He stuck his nose right in it.
- Mickey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's your night, Tiger.
Pick the one you want.
I'll take care of it, I'll take care of it.
- Barkeep, I'd like to talk to Porky.
- Porky's busy.
He ain't too busy for what I wanna
talk about. I wanna pay for some pussy.
- Pay me.
- I wanna talk to Porky.
OK, if that's what you want.
See? You just gotta
show 'em who's boss, right? Now...
In a minute, darlin'.
Now, sit here and do nothin'.
The racket is to get you
to buy these broads overpriced drinks.
No kiddin'? Hey, Mickey. Porky.
- Who's askin' to see me?
- Well... Mr Porky, I am.
What do you want?
My friends and I would like to party
with five of your girls in Porky's Pen.
- You want five of my piglets up in the pen?
- Yes, sir.
- For how long?
- An hour.
- What you got to spend? Bottle caps?
- 100 bucks.
100 dollars for five ladies?
- Go home, snotnose.
- Hey, Porky...
- Mr Porky.
- How many girls can we have for 100 bucks?
There's five of you, right?
That's a lot of horny dicks.
Two girls for an hour,
three for a half hour.
- That's all?
- Hey! Nobody's forcin' ya.
It's a long ride back home,
and it's even longer with a hard-on.
- OK. We'll take three for 30 minutes.
- OK. Pick out what you want.
Her... Her in the... And her.
Hey! That's cash in advance.
No, Mick.
- Hey, you. That's the only way I do business.
- OK. OK, no problem.
Got it right here. 20, 40, 50...
Not me. You pay the bartender,
you ridiculous dude.
And if any of you
get outta line with any of my girls,
I'm gonna kick your candied asses
all the way back to Angel Beach.
- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.
See that doorway over there?
You step in there and wait.
- It's dark. I don't want you to be surprised.
- What's this bullshit?
This bullshit is, you're underage kids
and I don't want my liquor license revoked.
The sheriff out here
happens to be a badass mother?
I don't want nobody
to see none of ya with any of my girls.
Now that's the back way up to the pen.
Go through the door and wait for a knock.
- That door over there?
- That door.
Wait for a knock, step through another door, and you're in.
And the girls'll be waiting.
- You like that, kid?
- Yeah.
I'll give you a night to remember.
You little piece of shit.
Did you see those broads?
They're really hot.
They're paid to be hot, Casanova.
- I don't like this. We're being had.
- Tim, it's under control.
- I smell pussy behind that door.
- I can't feel any door.
- I knew it.
- Are you ready, boys?
I told ya. Hell, yeah, we're ready.
- Are you sure you're ready?
- Yeah. Come on, let's go.
OK. Here comes your night to remember.
- I'm drownin'. I'm drownin'.
- Asshole. It's only two feet deep.
- Nice work, Jarvis. Great work!
- Mickey. You promised to get me laid.
- You're a horseshit procurer.
- I'll take care of it.
- We're out 20 bucks apiece.
- I'll take care of it.
Set 'em up, bartender. Whatever they want.
Shut the fuck up.
I wanna see Porky,
and I wanna see him now.
Get that piece of pigshit out here.
How was the pussy, boys?
- I want a piece of your fat ass.
- Sure you do.
- Let's step outside. We don't wanna...
- Play fair with me, fat man.
Mickey, I don't mind you
being stupid, but this is crazy.
Get outta here.
- Dammit. The damn sheriff.
- Hold it.
Hold it.
You better fuckin' freeze, buster.
What's goin' on, Pork?
I was givin' the place an enema,
and this pile of shit...
Shut up, boy.
Just shut up.
Well, it looks like to me
we got five Angel Beach assholes here.
Yes, sir. Five walkin', talkin' rectums.
- Where's your car, boy?
- Right there.
- You from Seward County?
- Yeah.
I don't know about Seward County,
but we got laws here
about drivin' with busted headlights.
- I don't have a busted headlight.
- Don't have a busted headlight?
Shit.
Now that's a $35 fine,
35 bucks or a night in jail.
Shit. I got 15 bucks.
- I got five.
- You got five, you got 15?
- I got 12.
- I think I got three.
Watch this.
Goddammit.
You got a busted taillight, too.
That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
- I got ten.
- Give it to me. Gimme all you got.
I guess I can show leniency
for first offenders. Whaddaya say, Pork?
Shall I give these nice lads a break?
They seem like a nice bunch
of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies.
A little smelly... Yeah, give 'em a break.
You heard the man. You get your candy asses
back to Seward County, and keep 'em there.
This here's a man's county.
Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Come on.
Go on. Here we go.
- Here we go. Go on home now.
- I don't think they'll be comin' back.
Let's get back inside.
Worst thing is, you guys are out 100 bucks.
- This is the kind of thing you write off.
- Here.
- Again?
- I got it last time.
- Mick, I'm telling you, they're bad mothers.
- I'm goin' back to get that pig.
- Yeah, right, Mick!
- Yeah, Meat.
Mickey, are you crazy?
- What are you, a big man?
- Forget it, OK? We lost.
What do you think this is?
What are you, a tough guy or somethin'?
- Evenin', boys.
- Hello, Ted.
You don't look too terrific, little brother.
I hear you tried to butt heads with Porky.
- I'd have whipped him without that sheriff.
- That scumbag sheriff sided with Porky.
- That "scumbag sheriff" is Porky's brother.
- What?
- Shit.
- Unbelievable.
- Now, just where were you headed?
- Back to Porky's.
Well, if he kicks your ass again,
then what are you gonna do?
I'll go back, and just keep goin' back.
This guy's dangerous.
He's playin' with you now,
but he's gonna get tired of you,
then he's gonna hurt you bad.
Am I gonna have to take you home myself?
All right, I'm goin' home.
Redneck.
- Do you think he's really goin' back?
- Runs in the family, I'm afraid.
- What's up?
- He wanted to go after Porky.
Just hope he lives to outgrow it.
The girls are waiting, Miss Honeywell.
- How's Lassie?
- Lassie's fine.
She's still a virgin, but she's fine.
You, on the other hand, are gonna be dead if
you don't tell me why they call her Lassie.
Cavanaugh, you get wiped out by that trick
every time. When are you gonna learn, son?
- Cavanaugh, off the floor.
- It was an accident, Coach.
Bullshit. That was no accident. Off the floor, now.
You're suspended indefinitely.
Nobody who plays like that plays for me.
Move.
You all right, son?
Yeah.
Anybody wanna go
fly a kite with me tonight?
I think it's great weather
for flyin' kites.
I wonder if there are
any kites around here we can fly.
Hey, listen, Cavanaugh.
It's not "kites". It's "kike".
K-I-k-e. Kike.
You know, you're too stupid
to even be a good bigot.
Behind the gym, Jew-boy, as soon as
the coaches have gone. Jew-boy.
Suit yourself.
Asshole.
- Shit. This guy's a ringer.
- Yeah.
- Get him, Tim.
- Come on, Timmy.
Nice move, Tim.
Get him, Tim.
Get him, Timmy.
Jeez.
All right, Tim. That's enough.
Knock it off. That's enough.
All right. It's over. Let me go.
All right, shake hands.
Go on.
How did you learn to fight like that?
Listen, when you're Jewish, you either
learn to fight or you take a lotta shit.
I don't like to take shit, so I learned
how to box, and I studied a little jujitsu.
That Japanese stuff, right?
How often have you had to use it?
Well, this was the first time.
- Were you sure you'd remember how?
- Well, I was hopin'.
Look, Brian. Tim's our buddy, but you
gotta understand, he's got problems.
I noticed.
It's easy for him to take it out on you,
cos he thinks you're puttin' him down.
He's not a bad guy.
He's a prick.
- You're right. He's a prick.
- He's a schmuck.
- What?
- A schmuck.
That's Jewish for "prick", right?
- Yeah, sort of.
- Yeah, well...
Anyway, even though he's a schmuck and...
We don't like everything he does,
but he's still our buddy, you know?
I... I understand.
Well, listen, I gotta go.
See you guys later.
- Take it easy, Brian.
- So long, Brian.
This is great. I'm gonna get her.
This is great. It's
great, Meat, it's great.
I know I got her.
- Wendy, hon, would you get that for me?
- You got it.
- Deadbeats.
- Hello. Hi.
I... I'm lookin' for a friend of mine.
He's supposed to be there.
- What's his name?
- His name's Michael Hunt.
- Mike. Mike, yes.
- Mike Hunt? OK, just hang on a minute.
Is Mike Hunt here?
Is Mike Hunt here?
Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?
Practically everybody in town,
from what I hear.
Hey, Frank, ask one of the carhops
if Mike Hunt's outside.
- Telephone call for Mike Hunt.
- I got her. I got her.
Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot?
Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot?
Do you know Mike...
Oh, God!
- Pee Wee.
- Got her, Tommy.
Pee Wee, I'm gonna get you.
You little prick.
And I mean that literally.
What's wrong with Meat?
I thought he didn't drink.
He doesn't. But he found out today
he got turned down by Princeton.
Princeton sucks. It sucks.
I thought he had scholarship offers
from 60 other colleges.
He does, but for some reason
he had his heart set on Princeton.
This chilli tastes like shit.
Oh, shit.
Pee Wee, would you get me some sugar
from the end of the counter?
That boy been drinkin'?
No, sir, Officer. Our friend is a diabetic.
Thank you for bringing Anthony some sugar.
How many cubes of sugar does your cousin
require when he's had too much insulin?
Two cubes of sugar
usually is enough to bring Anthony around.
Feel better now?
Gee, I've never seen anybody
drown in a bowl of chilli before.
Me neither. I wouldn't even know
how to fill out the forms on that.
Yeah, you're right.
It would be a lotta hassle.
I guess we'd better save him.
Yeah, I guess we'd better.
You know, I'm no doctor, but I could
swear this youngster's inebriated.
- No, sir. He's not inebriated.
- Not at all.
Well, now,
if you guys say he's a diabetic, OK.
But if we find out he's drunk,
we're gonna book you as accessories.
- He's bombed.
- The son of a bitch does it all the time.
Officer. Excuse me, but I couldn't
help but notice what's been happening here.
- And who are you?
- Just a bystander. Brian Schwartz.
Now, I don't know if this is important,
but I overheard this poor fellow saying
the reason he'd gotten drunk...
that his girlfriend broke up with him.
Now, tell me, gentlemen,
wouldn't you be likely to toss down a few
if the woman you loved
turned her back on you?
If my wife left me, I'd get drunk forjoy.
All right.
Get him outta here, and get him home.
- Now.
- Thank you, Officer.
Will do.
- You're one smooth mother, Schwartz.
- Well, you do what you can.
- It's Mickey.
- Porky's.
Here we go again.
Holy shit.
- Did you whip him?
- Hell, yes.
I used my face
to break the son of a bitch's hand.
Pee Wee, you better go call Ted.
- I don't feel so good...
- I hate to do this,
but I think we better
get him to a hospital.
- Hospital. Hospital.
- Mickey, where are you goin'?
I'm goin' home, you son of a bitch.
Where d'you think?
Don't worry, old buddy.
I learned my lesson.
We're gonna have to baby-sit with him.
That won't stop him.
- Did you see Timmy's face?
- Yeah, we saw it.
Shorts, shirt...
You really worked him over,
didn't you, Schwartz?
Hey, I didn't do that. I hardly touched
his face. I couldn't have done that.
- No, you didn't do it.
- Well, what happened?
- His old man.
- His father? Why?
Cos he got into a fight with a Jew
and he lost.
Coach, can I talk to you about Cavanaugh?
- Come on, Lynn.
- Brackett, you know I don't go all the way.
Who said anythin' about goin' all the way?
We're just gonna have a cup of coffee.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Come on, Lynn.
I'll tell you a little secret.
- How do you know that?
- Miss Honeywell, do you mind?
- Do I mind what?
- It's disgusting.
The two of you, squirming about
like a pair of eels in heat.
- You're a disgrace.
- Yeah?
Well, it beats waddlin' around
like a frigid hippopotamus, Beulah.
What did you call me?
Beulah... Beulah Ballbreaker.
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- Well, if I heard a hurdy-gurdy playin',
I'd think I was talkin'
to the fat lady in the circus.
But I guess I'm talkin' to a ton of bad
news named Beulah, Beulah, Beulah.
- Look, ladies, I don't think this...
- You butt out.
Moral turpitude.
- What?
- Moral turpitude.
Read your contract, Miss Honeywell.
I'll have you fired for moral turpitude.
You can take your moral turpitude and you
can stick it up the old gazoo, Beulah.
- Gee, Lynn, I don't know. "Moral turpitude".
- Oh, come on.
All right, Brian.
- I'll talk to Coach Goodenough.
- I appreciate that.
But don't expect too much.
Now, come on, we're late for practice.
Smell.
Smell that air.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
The boys' locker room always turned me on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it turns me on.
It always has. I... I don't know why.
That's really interesting, Lynn,
but why don't you give me a hand here?
It always turned me on,
and I really don't know why.
Who cares?
I gotta know... I believe in frankness...
Why do they call you Lassie?
I... I...
I... don't... don't...
What in the world...?
Come on, Lynn. Time out. Time out.
Lynn. Lynn.
Be quiet! Be quiet, be quiet, be...
Please be quiet.
- Yes.
- Why, yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
Oh, goddammit.
Now.
Gas.
Sorry I'm late, Coach,
but I had a case of the runs.
Boy, it hurt like hell.
You probably heard me all the way out here.
- Must be catching.
- How's that?
I hope you haven't grown too attached
to Angel Beach, Coach Brackett.
All right, boys.
- This is the best one yet.
- What now?
All you need is a watermelon
and two jelly doughnuts.
- I'm not takin' a shower with him.
- Religious fanatics.
Hey, Mickey, how's it goin'? Listen,
we're about to go on a beaver shoot.
- You wanna come?
- Nah, I got things to do.
You're not thinkin' of
goin' back out there?
Hell, no. They got some badasses out there.
Not to worry, gentlemen.
Tupperelo's on the job.
If he goes there again, I'll work him over.
When I get through,
he'll think Porky's his momma.
You'd be an idiot
to mess with those shitkickers.
Hey, you guys. They're goin' in.
Miss Walker's with 'em. Come on.
See you later, Mick.
Right.
Jesus Christ. It's the mother lode.
I've never seen so much wool.
You could knit a sweater.
This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot
in the history of Florida.
Dammit. It's Blubber McNeil.
I can't see a thing, dammit.
Would ya be quiet?
They're startin' to leave. Shit.
- Hey, beat it, would ya?
- But I'm missin' it, man.
Would ya shut up?
And you stay on your side.
One, two, three, four, up, down.
And one, two, three, four, up, down.
Goddammit. Will you move it, you lard-ass?
- Sounds like a guy's voice.
- Yeah, but where's it comin' from?
- Is that Tommy Turner?
- Yeah, who is it? Who's back there?
Horny bastards. Get outta here.
Don't be alarmed, girls.
This is your health department.
We're checking out unlicensed pussies.
- Please step forward and spread your legs.
- What are you testin' for?
Originality, neatness and hygiene.
You'd better get outta here,
otherwise you could get in big trouble.
If Pee Wee's with you, you better
cover his eyes. He might get confused.
They're hot. These broads are hot.
They want us to look.
- They're hot, I'm tellin' ya.
- Well, they ain't leavin'.
Well, let's find out.
- What are they doin'?
- Shit. One's comin' for it.
Shit. Bitch. Funny?
All right, I'll give ya
somethin' to play with.
Tommy, what are you doin'?
Here, chickie chickie. Good chickie. Here, chickie.
Chickie chickie? Here, chickie.
- Here, chickie.
- Wait a minute. I know that guy.
- What's... what's goin' on?
- Tommy...
Hey, hold still, man. She's comin' for it.
Are you shittin' me?
She's droolin'.
Hi. I'm Paulie the Penis,
and I just love to have fun.
Hold still, man. She's comin' for it.
Oh, boy. She really wants it.
Here she comes.
She's almost got it.
She's almost got it.
She's got it.
- Oh, jeez.
- I've got you now, Tommy Turner.
- And I'm taking you to the principal.
- Man, this broad is really hot.
Hang in there, buddy.
Somebody get the principal, Mr Carter.
Somebody get the principal.
Does this mean
Tommy and Miss Balbricker are engaged?
Shit. Christ.
I know it's you, you little filthy pervert.
Now you...
Shit.
You freak.
You filthy little pervert.
I can hear you in there.
You dirty little degenerate.
Now, Mr Carter,
I know this is completely unorthodox,
but I think this is the only way
to find that boy.
Now, that penis had a mole on it.
I'd recognise that penis anywhere.
In spite of the juvenile snickers of some,
this is a serious matter.
That... that seducer and despoiler
must be stopped.
He's extremely dangerous.
And, Mr Carter, I'm certain that
everyone in this room knows who that is.
He's a contemptible little pervert who's...
- Miss Balbricker.
- Well, I'm sorry.
But I've got him now, and I'm not going to
let him slip through my fingers again.
All I'm asking is that you give me
five boys for a few minutes.
The coaches can be present. Tommy Turner,
and any four boys you see fit to choose.
And we... and we
can put a stop to this menace,
and it is a menace.
Well? What are you gonna do about it?
Five young boys in the nude?
A police line-up so that
you can identify his tallywhacker.
Please, please, can we
call it a tallywhacker?
"Penis" is so person... per...
"Penis" is so personal.
Well, we can put hoods over their heads
to avoid embarrassment.
Now, listen. We have got to do it,
as distasteful as it is.
I know it's him.
That tallywhacker had a mole on it,
and that mole is the key to it.
Miss Balbricker, do you realise
the difficulty of your request?
Now, I would be very happy to...
to apprehend the young man myself,
but imagine what
the Board of Education would say
if you were granted a line-up in order
to examine their private pa... pa... pa...
their... their... their...
their private parts
for an incriminating mole.
But, Mr Carter...
Mr Carter?
I think I have a way out of this.
We call the police, and we have 'em
send over one of their sketch artists.
And Miss Balbricker can give a description.
We can put up "Wanted" posters
all over school.
"Have you seen this prick?"
"Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker."
"Do not attempt to apprehend this prick
as it is armed and dangerous."
"It was last seen hanging out in the girls'
locker room at Angel Beach High School."
- There you are. Now let's do it.
- All right.
- Hey, Timmy. Coach gonna let you play?
- Yeah. I've been reinstated.
- That's great.
- OK, guys. Hit the floor.
Yeah, Tim. Us little
guys need our enforcer.
All right, Cavanaugh. Get with it.
"Anytime you're feelin'Ionely"
"Anytime you're feelin'blue"
"Anytime you feel downhearted"
- What's that, Wendy?
- It's a shit detector.
- That's the oldestjoke in the world.
- I know.
I liked it.
- So, where's Mickey?
- Meat's with him.
I don't think so.
Hey, Meat. Where's Mickey?
I don't know, man. He gave me the slip.
- Shall we go out there?
- It's too late now.
OK.
Come on, Jew-boy. Hey, watch it, buddy.
Louie, Hymie, Abie, Sam
We're the boys who eat no ham
You really get a kick
out of this, don't you?
You got a big Jew mouth,
just like your big Jew nose.
You're a big man when you're kickin' the
ass outta kids with that sneaky Jap stuff.
Well, come on, boy. Why don't you try
some of that shit on me? Come on, Jew-boy.
- Get outta here.
- What?
- You heard what I said.
- Well, who are you talkin' to, boy?
- Trash. Pure trash.
- Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.
You know, I wish
you wouldn't have said that,
cos you don't know how humiliatin' it is
to have anybody know you're my pa.
Just stay out of this.
Make sure you're finished,
cos this is the last time you ever lay
a hand on me again, you son of a bitch.
All right, what's going on here?
Now, you got any more smart talk?
All right, Mr Cavanaugh. I think we can
get you one to three for felonious assault.
Meanwhile, I'll be glad
to finish this off the record.
No. Just let him be. I'm not afraid of him.
I'm not afraid of you.
If you ever come near me again,
I swear to God I'll kill you.
Looks like I'm gonna
make a man out of you yet, boy.
A man?
If being a man means being what you are,
I'd rather be queer.
I'm havin' you put under a peace bond,
Mr Cavanaugh.
You come near this boy again,
I'll have you arrested.
- I'll see you again.
- I'll be lookin' forward to that, Slime.
OK, it's over. Come on,
let's get on back to the dance.
- Well, what are you waitin' for?
- Are you OK?
Yeah, I think I'll be all right.
Look, you know you're welcome to stay
with Tommy or I as long as you like.
- All right. Thanks.
- Why don't you...
OK, girls. If you're gonna kiss each other,
let's get it over with.
Otherwise let's get on
back to the dance, right?
Right.
If Ted hadn't stepped in,
I'd have taught that sucker a new one.
I wonder if he realises
just how lucky he was.
Now, wait a minute. Just wait one minute.
Something's wrong here.
I know what it is.
If we could just... Yeah.
- That satisfies my sense of proportion.
- Man is not known by inches alone.
I got somethin' to satisfy
your sense of proportion.
I'm sure you do.
What the hell is this
tonight, Looney Tunes?
Mickey.
You should see him.
I messed him up good.
- I got the pig's tooth.
- Come on, step aside. Look out.
I think he's got some broken ribs,
maybe a collapsed lung.
Billy, get an ambulance.
No, don't move him, don't move him.
Take off his sweater
and put it behind his head. Real slow.
- See you guys.
- Hey, Ted, we're goin' too.
No, you're not. It's bad enough,
us goin' outtajurisdiction,
without a charge
of contributin' to delinquency.
- But we...
- No buts, Pee Wee.
I don't want to see any
of you guys get hurt.
- Nobody has to get hurt.
- What are you talkin' about, Brian?
Nobody has to get hurt, and your career
doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Well, I'm all for that.
What have you got in mind, Brian?
- It doesn't have to happen tonight, right?
- No, it doesn't have to be done tonight.
Good. Look, let me talk to you alone
for a second, OK?
OK.
- Count me in.
- You could get fired, Coach.
Are you kiddin'? I gotta be
the worst coach that ever lived.
I'm long gone after this semester anyway.
And don't call me "Coach" any more.
Call me Roy. I'm only 23, for chrissake.
- You look much older.
- Turner, why don't you go sit on a snake?
You see that right there?
Porky gave me that about six years ago.
I've always wanted a shot at that mother.
I'd like to feed him his nuts for lunch.
Brian's got somethin'. Be at his place
four o'clock Sunday, all right?
- What we gonna do?
- Just sit tight.
We're gonna give Porky a night to remember.
- Hey, Brian, where are you goin'?
- To do some reconnaissance.
Hey, Brian. Wait a minute.
Look, when we go to Porky's,
do me a favour, OK?
Don't tell him your name is Schwartz.
Those guys are prejudiced out there.
All right.
What about Paddy Aloysius O'Brien?
Nah, too Jewish. Let's
not take any chances.
All right. What about Sean Mulcahy?
Wait a minute.
Go ahead.
OK, thanks. We're just waitin'
for the guys from the bridge.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Billy. Billy. Tommy.
OK, I gotta go relieve Coach.
- Everything go all right?
- Like a precision drill team. Thanks.
Well... Good luck, kiddo.
I'll have everything ready.
Get ready for Jarvis's revenge.
- Hey, man, this better work.
- Don't worry.
There it is.
They're ready.
- What do we do now?
- Wait.
All we gotta do now is wait.
Billy. Billy.
Billy loves those bird calls.
All right. Now, If there's any sign of
guns, don't bother hookin' this up.
- We're gettin' the hell out, all right?
- Billy, be careful.
You'll never get one to fit me
out of that rubber machine.
What's that? What the hell is that?
- I wanna see Porky.
- Who wants to see Porky?
Tell him the boys from
Angel Beach are here.
Tell him to bring the best he's got
and meet us in the parking lot - now.
Jesus Christ.
Hey! Do you believe that?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Porky?
The boys from Angel Beach are here.
All right, now. Remember -
any sign of guns and we're gone, OK?
Yo. Billy.
Where are these little virgins
that think they've reached manhood?
You wanna tangle ass with me?
Come up here, you sawed-off punk.
I'll educate ya.
I'll wrap this right around
your damn neck. Come on.
Boy oh boy, Porky, we're really scared.
I guess we'd better go now.
- Get your ass on home.
- I hope shit floats.
You'll float if I catch you here again,
you little shit.
What are they up to now?
All right. Grab everything that kills.
I'm gonna kill em', the dumb shits.
I got splinters in my butt.
Let's go.
Don't you son of a bitches know the
difference between drive and reverse?
- I did have it in drive, boss.
- Get us outta here.
It's gone.
Porky's is gone.
You're dead, you sons of bitches.
I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.
Get that Pigmobile up here.
I'm gonna break your fuckin' necks myself.
Get their asses.
- Shit.
- Come on, forget it. We're leavin'.
We're leavin'. Come on.
- Did you check that car out?
- Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss.
"Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss."
Let's go. Come on.
Come on, fellas. Come on. Step on it.
Pork. Pork.
Come on. Let's go.
Where the hell were you?
See what those kids did to my club?
Hit that pig whistle.
Come on, Billy, let's go.
We're gonna do it.
Come on, Billy. They're gainin' on us.
- All right.
- Come on. Let's go.
There's the county line,
goddammit. Step on it.
We're gonna make it.
I want those little nosy mothers arrested,
and I mean like right now.
- They destroyed my club.
- How'd they do that?
- They've been comin' in there for weeks.
- Which ones?
- This one, and that little bastard back there.
- All right, Mickey.
This 16-year-old, and this 17- year-old
youngster have been in your establishment?
They've been comin' in before,
This ain't the first time...
- Especially that little son of a...
- We may have made a mistake.
- What are you talkin' about?
- They're youngsters.
Those boys just destroyed my station house
and two of my cars.
I want them booked on felony charges,
destruction of private property, and assault.
- Hold on...
- Hold on, my ass.
You're in my county now.
I wonder what I could book you for?
Let's see...
Get him, brother.
Broken headlight.
That's a $50 fine in Seward County.
I got that right here.
Damn.
Blown tyre. That's too bad.
Broken radiator. This car is a mess.
- Shit.
- Broken hood ornament.
- Any questions?
- All right, how much do you want?
I'll let you off on the promise that you get
your fat ass back across that county line,
and the promise from your brother that
what occurred tonight will be forgotten.
- Why don't you stick it up your...
- Promise. For chrissakes, promise.
- I promise to shove my foot up his...
- Promise him.
Promise him, you asshole,
or you'll be back shovellin' pigshit.
- I promise.
- I can't hear you.
I said I promise, you motherf...
I promise.
Now get this car out of Seward County.
You've blown away our engine,
we got one flat tyre. How?
Just put a little weight behind it.
I'm sure you boys can manage that.
OK, you guys. Get your shoulders
behind this thing. Let's get outta here.
Hey, listen up.
It's Tommy and Brian. Let's go get 'em.
- What a perfect ending?
- Yeah, perfect!
- What's with him?
- Take care of that, Mick.
What's wrong with you, Pee Wee?
We just blew up Porky's. That was my last
chance. Now I'm never gonna get laid.
- Oh, no, you... Wendy. Wendy. Come here.
- No, Tommy. Don't make me.
Yeah. You said if we pulled it off,
you'd break Pee Wee's cherry.
- A bet's a bet. Now you gotta pay off.
- I shoulda gotten better odds.
- Whaddaya mean, "break Pee Wee's cherry"?
- You wanna get laid or not?
- If you're not cherry, you don't get Wendy.
- I'm cherry.
You could put me on top of
a banana split, I'm so cherry.
Well?
Well... Oh, all right, all right.
Just... just don't tell anybody, OK?
- Hey, don't worry. It'll only take a minute.
- All right, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee. You idiot.
- Here he comes.
- Hey, it's Ready Eddie.
What now, Pee Wee?
- I need a rubber.
- Didn't I tell ya?
- Do you believe this?
- You have to do this with a little...
The Ramses, curse of the Pharaohs.
Hey, Pee Wee. Hey, Pee Wee.
It fits over your dick.
It's too big.
Pee Wee, we don't have
any training rubbers.
- Pee Wee, tie a knot in this one.
- I got ajunior size.
Hey, Pee Wee. Whaddaya think this is,
the return desk at Macy's?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I'd know that penis anywhere.
I saw it. I saw it.
Arrest him.
Arrest him. I can identify him.
Positively.
Jeez.
"Get up, get up, you sleepyheads"
Get up, get outta bed
Good morning, Angel Beach. It's April 12.
This is Gene Morrison coming to you
from WACN Angel Beach,
nestled by the shore
in fabulous South Florida.
It's a bright and beautiful spring day.
President Eisenhower's running a tight
ship, with his hand steady on the helm.
The stars are secure in the firmament and the
rent's paid, so all's right with the world.
"So get up, get up, you sleepyheads"
Get up, get outta bed
Let's get out there
and get America moving forward.
It's 64 degrees, expecting to reach
a high of 76 - not a drop of rain in sight.
Good news for the beach bunnies,
but bad news for the farm boys.
Now, to help you start the day,
the singin'rage, Miss Patti Page.
"It gives me a thrill"
Edward. You'll be late for school.
Edward? Up. Right now.
I've got things to do. You hear?
Hit the floor, right now.
"You're welcome as the flowers"
on Mockingbird Hill
Edward Morris.
You be at the breakfast table in five
minutes, or you don't play ball this week.
- Pee Wee, what's wrong?
- Nothing. I pulled a muscle in my groin.
Be careful. Your father wants you to drop
him at the office. His car won't start.
- And pick up those clothes at the tailor's.
- Instant eunuch.
"To wake up in the morning"
to the mockingbird's trill
"There's peace and goodwill"
"You're welcome as the flowers"
on Mockingbird Hill
Shit.
It is. It's gettin' shorter.
Shit.
"And survey all my kingdom"
while everything's still
- Hey! Did you get your coloured guy?
- Does a fat dog fart?
- Well, what's he look like?
- Like a Zulu.
- Six foot four, two huge gold teeth.
- Great.
- Where'd you find him?
- My old man's construction company.
He doesn't know what I'm talkin' about,
but he's willin'.
- And he'll do it for ten bucks.
- Ten bucks? Not bad.
- You sure the broad's all set?
- Oh, it's no problem.
Jarvis, you stupid redneck.
You better duck, you suckers,
when Jarvis is at the wheel.
- Billy Boy. Y'all get the nigger?
- Come on, Jarvis.
- You mean "the coloured guy", "the negro".
- Poor white trash.
- Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
- That's colourful redneck humour, right?
- Right. Kiss my rebel ass.
- Should be writin' these down.
Immigrants. Go on back to Michigan
and kiss ass with all the negroes.
This is Dixie, baby.
How come you don't have
four names like most hillbillies?
Like Billy Joe Jim Bob,
or Flora Mae Sally Sue?
Hey, man. I had a cousin named Billy Joe
Jim Bob, and he was killed in the war.
Gee, I didn't know, Mickey. I'm sorry.
- Anyway, d'you get the negro?
- Yeah, we got one.
Guy's six four, has gold teeth -
the meanest-Iookin' mother you ever saw.
Hot damn! They're gonna croak. Who's goin'?
Hey, Tommy. Wait a minute.
- Did you get it?
- I found a place that's got one.
Well, don't let me down.
I'm gonna get that little creep.
- Who's she gonna get?
- Pee Wee.
- Didn't you hear about the other night?
- No.
- Are you sure you didn't?
- No.
Well, we figure we gotta get Pee Wee laid,
so I fix him up with Wendy.
Pee Wee and Wendy? Damn,
I thought she had better taste than that.
Well, all he had to do was knock it off.
They're makin' out, and you know Wendy.
She reaches down, she unzips his fly
and she grabs his cock, and guess what?
- What?
- The little bastard already had a rubber on.
- Oh, bullshit.
- I swear.
Wendy told me. Why would she lie?
Horny mother wore a rubber to his date.
She got so pissed off
she wouldn't let him touch her.
- Hi. I'm Mindy. Can I ask you somethin'?
- Yeah, sure.
Why do they call you "Meat"?
- I don't know.
- Wendy Williams told me I should ask ya.
She did?
Why do they call you "Meat"?
Cos you're so big?
- Yeah, sorta.
- Not "sorta". Why?
- Do you really wanna know?
- Yes.
- OK. Come on. I'll show ya.
- Meat. Wait, wait, wait.
- She's only a freshman.
- After this, she'll be a senior.
But if you get suspended again, you'll
never get that scholarship to Princeton.
Now think about that.
- I'm sorry, babe. No cigar. Can't do it.
- He won't tell me.
Shoot.
- Hey, you guys. Wait up.
- Speakin' of horny mothers, it's Ready Eddie.
- Be serious. I'm goin' tonight, right?
- Even a nymphomaniac has standards.
She lives with a black stud.
He's gonna cut your pecker off.
- Yeah, he's bringin' a pair of tweezers.
- I don't care. She likes to screw, right?
Especially young guys.
The more the merrier.
- Is she good-Iookin'?
- She's got a great body. Moves like an eel.
- Just the way I like 'em.
- As long as they're not dead...
I don't care if they're dead
as long as they're not too cold.
Let's not invite many guys -
we can all get her twice.
He's not even invited
and he's makin' up the guest list?
- You're not cuttin' me outta free nooky.
- All right. You're goin'. Now shut up.
- I'm goin'. Eight o'clock, right?
- Right.
- Wear your rubber.
- That lyin' bitch.
- I forgot which one is...
- This is the raw one...
- No. This is hard-boiled...
- Gonna get some action tonight?
- What are you talkin' about, Pee Wee?
- I'm goin' tonight. They said I can go.
- He'll be the comedy relief.
- She could use you for a recess period.
- Funny! What are you doin' with the eggs?
- What eggs?
- "What eggs"? Those eggs.
- Oh. These eggs.
- They're for you.
- For me?
Yeah. We thought you
might like to wear one.
Timmy...
- Funny.
- Not as funny as the look on your face.
- You gotta let me do it to somebody.
- I don't think there's anybody left.
- Oh, come on. There's gotta be somebody.
- I think we've done just about everybody.
Let me do Meat.
You gotta let me do Meat. Come on, Timmy.
OK. Now listen. The one in your left hand is
the raw egg, OK? That's the one you drop.
The one in your right hand is the
hard-boiled egg, the one you hit him with.
- Left hand raw, right hand smack him.
- Go get him, Tiger.
- Hi, Meat.
- Hi, Pee Wee. What's goin' on?
- Oh, nothin'.
- Guys.
Watch it. What are you, a psycho?
What's with the eggs?
- What eggs?
- Those eggs.
- Watch my lips. Those eggs.
- These eggs?
- Is there an echo here?
- They're for you.
- For me? What am I gonna do with 'em?
- Well, we thought you'd like to wear one.
- Morris, you're dead.
- I know.
Good morning, Miss Balbricker.
You look nice this morning.
Are you losing weight?
- Hot damn! You like to live dangerously.
- She wants a piece of your ass.
- Nice pass, captain.
- Too bad, Jew-boy.
Tim. What's your problem, man?
Oh, boy, would I like to get next to that.
- Yes. Lassie.
- Lassie?
- Patience, my boy, patience.
- Why d'you call her Lassie?
- Why do you think?
- I don't know.
Are you kiddin'? You callin' her a dog?
Fred, that's angel food cake.
You touch her, and the Food and Drug
Administration gets you for fuckin' food.
- Well, what can I tell you?
- You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Just get her up in the equipment room -
you'll find out.
- What are you talkin' about?
- But beware of King Kong.
Wait a minute. Come here, Fred.
- Hi, Miss Walker.
- Hi, Pee Wee.
- Tommy, Miss Walker's hot.
- Pee Wee, she just said hi to you.
Yeah, but did you see
the way she said hi to me?
Right, Pee Wee.
Boy, Miss Balbricker,
you put a lotta weight behind that one.
Coach Goodenough, would you kindly
keep your balls off my tumbling mat?
- Beg your pardon?
- The basketballs. Keep them in your court.
- I have little enough room as it is.
- I'll take care of that, Miss Balbricker.
Thank you.
- The girls' tumbling team just went in.
- Heck, those broads never take a shower.
- What about the majorettes?
- They're still out there.
- Yeah, well, keep lookin'.
- Ginny just went in.
Hey! You're not allowed
to think about her with her clothes off.
You aren't even allowed
to look at her with her clothes on.
Little dip.
Hey, Tim. I was thinkin',
maybe we oughta invite Brian tonight.
Why do we gotta invite a Jew?
All we need now is a Communist
and a spic and we'd have the whole bit.
You're really the tolerant type, Cavanaugh!
I notice you're still includin' yourself.
Broads are broads. I just don't see
why we gotta invite a kite.
Brian's a good guy.
Why don't you give him a chance?
- He's ajerk, and a Jew jerk at that.
- All right. We won't ask him.
You're a case, Cavanaugh.
- They just went in. Miss Walker's with 'em.
- I gotta put my shoes on.
You wouldn't know what to do
with Miss Walker even if she told ya.
Billy...
Billy.
Let's go. Come on.
Dammit. We missed 'em.
Kong.
- Dammit. I told you we were gonna miss 'em.
- That's OK, Pee Wee. We'll get 'em next time.
Miss Walker. A real
woman, and I missed her.
You're about to get laid by an exotic dancer.
That's a real woman.
Yeah, you're right.
I gotta go home and warm up.
Warm up?
- Slow down. It's about a quarter of a mile.
- Will they find this place?
- They'll be there. I took Conklin.
- I drew Cherry a map.
- Cherry?
- Cherry Forever.
- Cherry Forever?
- Her professional name.
- Bullshit.
- Her professional name.
Hot damn! Let's step on it.
OK. The coast is clear.
Let's go.
"The coast is clear."
Do you believe this dialogue?
Hey! Hey! Hold it.
What's goin' on here? Where are they goin'?
- They're goin' first. I'm sloppy second.
- I'm second.
Come on, Meat. If you go first,
nobody else'll be able to touch the sides.
Jeez.
OK. Cherry's ready.
- Everybody get their clothes off.
- What's this bullshit?
- She's gotta make sure you're clean. No VD.
- How's she gonna tell by lookin' at us?
She's done this so many times
she's practically a doctor.
And who's gonna inspect her?
You guys wanna get laid, or have a debate?
OK, I'm ready.
I'm gonna get laid.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
Hey! Come on, boys. No strippin',
no dippin'. Come on, let's go.
Watch me go.
- Come on, man.
- Relax, will ya, for cryin' out loud?
Wait a minute. How come
you guys ain't gettin' undressed?
- We got inspected last week.
- Lucky you.
- OK, Cherry.
- Come on, make a line. Look sharp.
Gentlemen... Gentlemen.
This is Miss Cherry Forever.
Cherry, this is Steve.
Hi, Steve.
Cough.
- And Cherry, this is Pee Wee.
- I'll say.
What do you use for ajockstrap, kid?
A peanut shell and a rubber band?
We might have to tie a board across his ass.
He's liable to fall in.
Bastard, Tommy.
Save your energy, Needle-Dick.
You're gonna need it.
And this is Tim.
- Hi, Tim.
- Howdy.
Cherry, meet Frank Bell.
Frankie?
It's crooked.
You been screwin' around corners?
And the pride of Angel Beach, Anthony
Tupperelo - affectionately known as "Meat".
My God, the boy's deformed.
OK, let's move it out.
- Yo.
- You guys take a number,
and sit down.
- We'll just be a minute.
- Yeah, we know.
- That boy really is deformed.
- I know.
- Billy, this is John Conklin.
- Hi, Conklin.
OK, Cherry, sit down.
- She touched your nuts.
- At least I got nuts.
Hey, wait. I got sloppy seconds,
you got ticklish thirds,
you got filthy fourths, you got
fall-in fifths, you're slippery sixth,
and you scrape her off
the mattress, Mickey.
OK, Cherry. Cherry, get it started.
Go ahead.
- Timmy, that's disg... Will you stop that?
- It wouldn't bother him.
Don't stop.
Come on, keep pumpin', baby. Yeah.
- You're next, Pee Wee. You're next.
- We're gonna get laid. Oh, she's hot.
- They're gonna shit.
- They're gonna shit.
They're gonna shit.
They're gonna shit.
Come on, Billy.
Go ahead. Go on.
- What are you guys doin'?
- Yeah, let's go.
- Give it to her, Billy.
- Oh, Billy. Keep pumpin'. Yeah.
Keep pumpin', Billy.
Come on, keep pumpin', Billy.
Tommy? Come on, baby.
Come on, Tommy. Get over here.
Don't stop. Billy. Oh, Billy.
- Oh, Billy. Oh, Tommy.
- Oh, shit.
Keep pumpin'. Come on. Come on, Billy.
Come on. Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Billy. You're so good I can't stand it.
Come on, baby.
Don't stop.
Oh, man. This broad must be from Brooklyn.
Come on, don't stop.
Hey, Cherry. Break the window.
What's goin' on? I'll kill you, white boy.
What the hell was that?
We didn't know she was your wife.
Besides, it wasn't me, it was him.
- You're both dead men.
- What's this bullshit?
- I'll kill you all, you peckerwoods.
- Look out, Tommy. Look out.
No.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
This way, Meat. Meat, this way. Run. Run.
You... you sons of bitches.
Wait, wait. Wait. Meat's still runnin'.
Come on, let's get him, guys.
- Slow night.
- Don't worry. That'll change soon enough.
What'd I tell ya?
Can't wait to hear this story.
I think I know that kid. Pee Wee Morris.
- The basketball player?
- A friend of Mickey's, my brother.
- Well, what should we do?
- Pull him over.
OK, pull over.
OK, let me see your driver's license.
Hey, Jarvis. I got
somethin' you can blow on.
Hey, Mick. It's your brother.
I got somethin'
you guys lost in the Everglades.
- You bastards. You left me out there.
- We thought you ran all the way home.
- If we hadn't seen him, he would have.
- Funny! A brother act.
- Tommy, where are my clothes?
- They're in my car.
Stop it, Meat. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Cindy and I are bringin' the kids over
on Sunday. I'll see you then?
Get rid of the beer, Cavanaugh.
I'm sorry about that, Officer Jarvis.
See you later, boys.
Tim. You get your ass over here.
Ginny, why don't you and
the girls go inside?
- Yes, sir?
- I heard you ran tail-ass from some nigger.
- No, we didn't.
- What's that?
Who is this guy?
- Tim's old man.
- Just got out of prison.
You get your ass on home, boy, right now.
- Shoulda left him there.
- What was he in for?
Manslaughter. Killed a guy in a fight
and tore his ear off with his bare hands.
Guess my old man's
not such a bad guy after all.
What are you lookin'
so glum about, Pee Wee?
Look, man, I gotta get laid. I go more
than a coupla weeks, I getjittery.
- So you're due for a nervous breakdown.
- Funny, Tommy. Real funny!
If he strikes out with Wendy Williams,
there's nothin' left but ham hocks.
Maybe there's a horny midget
eatin' her heart out, waitin' for Pee Wee.
- Come on, Meat. I'm serious.
- I'm just tryin' to help.
- We need professional help.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Porky's.
- Oh, come on. Don't start that stuff again.
- You crazy? You'll get your throat slit.
- All you gotta do is know how to operate.
- Porky is a badass redneck.
- You guys don't know how to talk redneck.
Porky is a businessman. He just imported
a load of Cuban broads. They're fantastic.
- How do you know?
- I got my sources. Upstairs is "Porky's Pen".
You can party with the Cubans as long as you
let 'em know you know what you're doin'.
- You sure?
- Does a bear shit in the woods?
- Let's go now.
- We got a game tomorrow.
- We need 30 bucks apiece.
- 30 bucks?
But anything goes. We can go Friday night.
It's "7" 0 miles out in the Everglades.
We got a game Saturday night.
What do you say, Turner?
Meat?
Well, you know my motto:
"Give me pussy or give me death."
Hot damn! There's my boy.
- You know, I never had any Cuban pussy.
- Right, Pee Wee... Right.
- "For the man who measures up."
- What is that?
- It's for Pee Wee.
- Where did you get it?
- Miami. One of those joke stores.
- Look at that.
- You're kiddin'.
- A ten-gallon condom.
- It looks like King Kong's rubber.
- D'you like it?
- I like it very...
- Jesus, Turner.
Hi, Pee Wee.
- OK, what'd you do now, Pee Wee?
- The little jerk put Bengay in my jockstrap.
You shoulda seen him
hoppin' around like the Easter bunny.
Who looks like the Easter bunny now?
- Hey, Pee Wee.
- What do you want?
- I got somethin' for ya.
- For me? What is it?
- It's kinda like a trophy.
- A trophy? What are you talkin' about?
- A trophy for you, my little Pee Wee.
- All right, a trophy. What for?
For being the biggest dickhead
I ever went out with.
Watch yourjock, Tommy. Watch yourjock.
Get 'em, best boy.
- Here, Meat. You can use that for a spare.
- Gimme a break, will ya, Turner?
- Wait a second.
- Pee Wee, you love it and you know it.
- Wendy, I will get you.
- You had your chance.
You know, Pee Wee,
you never looked so good.
Nice face, Wendy! Get outta here.
Hi, there.
Come on, girls. Don't be scared.
They love it. They love it.
Tommy. Tommy...
- "Your ass is mine" says Kong.
- No shit, Sherlock.
- Tommy...
- Turner, you're dead.
- Great defence!
- And you thought Jews were just smart.
Turner. I wanna talk to you.
Get in there, Young.
- Back to work.
- Bye.
Damn. Oh, God.
Well... Any luck?
We've been out twice. Zero, man. Zilch.
That girl wants to be loved for her mind.
You are drivin' me nuts with this howlin'.
What the hell does it mean? Come on, Fred.
Up there, Roy. Just get her up there,
and all things shall be made clear.
You're pullin' my chain, Fred.
The girl's a virgin.
- And the Pope's Jewish.
- All right.
So how do I get her up there? Put a rope
around her neck? Put handcuffs on her?
Guile, charm, persuasion...
And if that doesn't work, just ask her.
So what happened? Two days' suspension?
- Two games, and 2,000 laps.
- You're kiddin'.
I'm gonna nail her fat ass.
- Hey, Chief. What the hell is this?
- The sheriff's office.
In Wallacetown?
Where the hell's Wallacetown?
You're lookin' at it. It's Porky's
storm troopers. Porky Wallace, get it?
Get this.
Come on, man. Let's go.
- What's this?
- It's a Pigmobile.
It's got a pink interior.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, studs. Everyone got their ID?
I left my ID at home.
Every time we go somewhere,
you find some way to fuck it up.
Pee Wee, they'll take your word for it.
- I knew we shouldn't have brought him.
- I didn't do it on purpose, Tim.
Will y'all knock it off? Jesus.
Meat, give Pee Wee your ID.
- It's got my picture on it.
- You could be twins. Got any other cards?
- Here, use this.
- That's my Bible-school card.
Who'd believe a guy with
a Bible-school card would lie? Act cool.
- Think you can handle that?
- Yeah, sure.
Act like you come here all the time,
but don't overdo it.
- I won't overdo it.
- Let's go.
Yeah, OK.
- It's a coupla years since I been to the joint.
- Yeah, sure. A regular.
- Stop talkin' and start drinkin'.
- How's Porky?
I haven't seen ol' Porky in...
Holy shit. It's a pussy stampede.
Come on, Tiger. Let's go get 'em.
- Whaddaya want? Beer?
- Yeah, beer would be good.
Heart throbs
Heart throbs
Heart throbs, heart throbs
- That's a buck.
- I'll take care of this.
It's a buck apiece.
- Wanna take a peek?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Two.
- Yeah, let's see 'em both.
It means it'll cost you
two bucks to see 'em, stupid.
Oh, shit, I knew that. I'm just tryin'
to have some fun with the broad.
This broad's hot. She's really hot.
She took the seat beside me
and we rode to paradise
Heart throbs
- Way to go, Tiger.
- You sure took care of those guys.
The guy tried to muff-dive
one of the strippers.
He stuck his nose right in it.
- Mickey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's your night, Tiger.
Pick the one you want.
I'll take care of it, I'll take care of it.
- Barkeep, I'd like to talk to Porky.
- Porky's busy.
He ain't too busy for what I wanna
talk about. I wanna pay for some pussy.
- Pay me.
- I wanna talk to Porky.
OK, if that's what you want.
See? You just gotta
show 'em who's boss, right? Now...
In a minute, darlin'.
Now, sit here and do nothin'.
The racket is to get you
to buy these broads overpriced drinks.
No kiddin'? Hey, Mickey. Porky.
- Who's askin' to see me?
- Well... Mr Porky, I am.
What do you want?
My friends and I would like to party
with five of your girls in Porky's Pen.
- You want five of my piglets up in the pen?
- Yes, sir.
- For how long?
- An hour.
- What you got to spend? Bottle caps?
- 100 bucks.
100 dollars for five ladies?
- Go home, snotnose.
- Hey, Porky...
- Mr Porky.
- How many girls can we have for 100 bucks?
There's five of you, right?
That's a lot of horny dicks.
Two girls for an hour,
three for a half hour.
- That's all?
- Hey! Nobody's forcin' ya.
It's a long ride back home,
and it's even longer with a hard-on.
- OK. We'll take three for 30 minutes.
- OK. Pick out what you want.
Her... Her in the... And her.
Hey! That's cash in advance.
No, Mick.
- Hey, you. That's the only way I do business.
- OK. OK, no problem.
Got it right here. 20, 40, 50...
Not me. You pay the bartender,
you ridiculous dude.
And if any of you
get outta line with any of my girls,
I'm gonna kick your candied asses
all the way back to Angel Beach.
- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.
See that doorway over there?
You step in there and wait.
- It's dark. I don't want you to be surprised.
- What's this bullshit?
This bullshit is, you're underage kids
and I don't want my liquor license revoked.
The sheriff out here
happens to be a badass mother?
I don't want nobody
to see none of ya with any of my girls.
Now that's the back way up to the pen.
Go through the door and wait for a knock.
- That door over there?
- That door.
Wait for a knock, step through another door, and you're in.
And the girls'll be waiting.
- You like that, kid?
- Yeah.
I'll give you a night to remember.
You little piece of shit.
Did you see those broads?
They're really hot.
They're paid to be hot, Casanova.
- I don't like this. We're being had.
- Tim, it's under control.
- I smell pussy behind that door.
- I can't feel any door.
- I knew it.
- Are you ready, boys?
I told ya. Hell, yeah, we're ready.
- Are you sure you're ready?
- Yeah. Come on, let's go.
OK. Here comes your night to remember.
- I'm drownin'. I'm drownin'.
- Asshole. It's only two feet deep.
- Nice work, Jarvis. Great work!
- Mickey. You promised to get me laid.
- You're a horseshit procurer.
- I'll take care of it.
- We're out 20 bucks apiece.
- I'll take care of it.
Set 'em up, bartender. Whatever they want.
Shut the fuck up.
I wanna see Porky,
and I wanna see him now.
Get that piece of pigshit out here.
How was the pussy, boys?
- I want a piece of your fat ass.
- Sure you do.
- Let's step outside. We don't wanna...
- Play fair with me, fat man.
Mickey, I don't mind you
being stupid, but this is crazy.
Get outta here.
- Dammit. The damn sheriff.
- Hold it.
Hold it.
You better fuckin' freeze, buster.
What's goin' on, Pork?
I was givin' the place an enema,
and this pile of shit...
Shut up, boy.
Just shut up.
Well, it looks like to me
we got five Angel Beach assholes here.
Yes, sir. Five walkin', talkin' rectums.
- Where's your car, boy?
- Right there.
- You from Seward County?
- Yeah.
I don't know about Seward County,
but we got laws here
about drivin' with busted headlights.
- I don't have a busted headlight.
- Don't have a busted headlight?
Shit.
Now that's a $35 fine,
35 bucks or a night in jail.
Shit. I got 15 bucks.
- I got five.
- You got five, you got 15?
- I got 12.
- I think I got three.
Watch this.
Goddammit.
You got a busted taillight, too.
That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
- I got ten.
- Give it to me. Gimme all you got.
I guess I can show leniency
for first offenders. Whaddaya say, Pork?
Shall I give these nice lads a break?
They seem like a nice bunch
of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies.
A little smelly... Yeah, give 'em a break.
You heard the man. You get your candy asses
back to Seward County, and keep 'em there.
This here's a man's county.
Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Come on.
Go on. Here we go.
- Here we go. Go on home now.
- I don't think they'll be comin' back.
Let's get back inside.
Worst thing is, you guys are out 100 bucks.
- This is the kind of thing you write off.
- Here.
- Again?
- I got it last time.
- Mick, I'm telling you, they're bad mothers.
- I'm goin' back to get that pig.
- Yeah, right, Mick!
- Yeah, Meat.
Mickey, are you crazy?
- What are you, a big man?
- Forget it, OK? We lost.
What do you think this is?
What are you, a tough guy or somethin'?
- Evenin', boys.
- Hello, Ted.
You don't look too terrific, little brother.
I hear you tried to butt heads with Porky.
- I'd have whipped him without that sheriff.
- That scumbag sheriff sided with Porky.
- That "scumbag sheriff" is Porky's brother.
- What?
- Shit.
- Unbelievable.
- Now, just where were you headed?
- Back to Porky's.
Well, if he kicks your ass again,
then what are you gonna do?
I'll go back, and just keep goin' back.
This guy's dangerous.
He's playin' with you now,
but he's gonna get tired of you,
then he's gonna hurt you bad.
Am I gonna have to take you home myself?
All right, I'm goin' home.
Redneck.
- Do you think he's really goin' back?
- Runs in the family, I'm afraid.
- What's up?
- He wanted to go after Porky.
Just hope he lives to outgrow it.
The girls are waiting, Miss Honeywell.
- How's Lassie?
- Lassie's fine.
She's still a virgin, but she's fine.
You, on the other hand, are gonna be dead if
you don't tell me why they call her Lassie.
Cavanaugh, you get wiped out by that trick
every time. When are you gonna learn, son?
- Cavanaugh, off the floor.
- It was an accident, Coach.
Bullshit. That was no accident. Off the floor, now.
You're suspended indefinitely.
Nobody who plays like that plays for me.
Move.
You all right, son?
Yeah.
Anybody wanna go
fly a kite with me tonight?
I think it's great weather
for flyin' kites.
I wonder if there are
any kites around here we can fly.
Hey, listen, Cavanaugh.
It's not "kites". It's "kike".
K-I-k-e. Kike.
You know, you're too stupid
to even be a good bigot.
Behind the gym, Jew-boy, as soon as
the coaches have gone. Jew-boy.
Suit yourself.
Asshole.
- Shit. This guy's a ringer.
- Yeah.
- Get him, Tim.
- Come on, Timmy.
Nice move, Tim.
Get him, Tim.
Get him, Timmy.
Jeez.
All right, Tim. That's enough.
Knock it off. That's enough.
All right. It's over. Let me go.
All right, shake hands.
Go on.
How did you learn to fight like that?
Listen, when you're Jewish, you either
learn to fight or you take a lotta shit.
I don't like to take shit, so I learned
how to box, and I studied a little jujitsu.
That Japanese stuff, right?
How often have you had to use it?
Well, this was the first time.
- Were you sure you'd remember how?
- Well, I was hopin'.
Look, Brian. Tim's our buddy, but you
gotta understand, he's got problems.
I noticed.
It's easy for him to take it out on you,
cos he thinks you're puttin' him down.
He's not a bad guy.
He's a prick.
- You're right. He's a prick.
- He's a schmuck.
- What?
- A schmuck.
That's Jewish for "prick", right?
- Yeah, sort of.
- Yeah, well...
Anyway, even though he's a schmuck and...
We don't like everything he does,
but he's still our buddy, you know?
I... I understand.
Well, listen, I gotta go.
See you guys later.
- Take it easy, Brian.
- So long, Brian.
This is great. I'm gonna get her.
This is great. It's
great, Meat, it's great.
I know I got her.
- Wendy, hon, would you get that for me?
- You got it.
- Deadbeats.
- Hello. Hi.
I... I'm lookin' for a friend of mine.
He's supposed to be there.
- What's his name?
- His name's Michael Hunt.
- Mike. Mike, yes.
- Mike Hunt? OK, just hang on a minute.
Is Mike Hunt here?
Is Mike Hunt here?
Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?
Practically everybody in town,
from what I hear.
Hey, Frank, ask one of the carhops
if Mike Hunt's outside.
- Telephone call for Mike Hunt.
- I got her. I got her.
Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot?
Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot?
Do you know Mike...
Oh, God!
- Pee Wee.
- Got her, Tommy.
Pee Wee, I'm gonna get you.
You little prick.
And I mean that literally.
What's wrong with Meat?
I thought he didn't drink.
He doesn't. But he found out today
he got turned down by Princeton.
Princeton sucks. It sucks.
I thought he had scholarship offers
from 60 other colleges.
He does, but for some reason
he had his heart set on Princeton.
This chilli tastes like shit.
Oh, shit.
Pee Wee, would you get me some sugar
from the end of the counter?
That boy been drinkin'?
No, sir, Officer. Our friend is a diabetic.
Thank you for bringing Anthony some sugar.
How many cubes of sugar does your cousin
require when he's had too much insulin?
Two cubes of sugar
usually is enough to bring Anthony around.
Feel better now?
Gee, I've never seen anybody
drown in a bowl of chilli before.
Me neither. I wouldn't even know
how to fill out the forms on that.
Yeah, you're right.
It would be a lotta hassle.
I guess we'd better save him.
Yeah, I guess we'd better.
You know, I'm no doctor, but I could
swear this youngster's inebriated.
- No, sir. He's not inebriated.
- Not at all.
Well, now,
if you guys say he's a diabetic, OK.
But if we find out he's drunk,
we're gonna book you as accessories.
- He's bombed.
- The son of a bitch does it all the time.
Officer. Excuse me, but I couldn't
help but notice what's been happening here.
- And who are you?
- Just a bystander. Brian Schwartz.
Now, I don't know if this is important,
but I overheard this poor fellow saying
the reason he'd gotten drunk...
that his girlfriend broke up with him.
Now, tell me, gentlemen,
wouldn't you be likely to toss down a few
if the woman you loved
turned her back on you?
If my wife left me, I'd get drunk forjoy.
All right.
Get him outta here, and get him home.
- Now.
- Thank you, Officer.
Will do.
- You're one smooth mother, Schwartz.
- Well, you do what you can.
- It's Mickey.
- Porky's.
Here we go again.
Holy shit.
- Did you whip him?
- Hell, yes.
I used my face
to break the son of a bitch's hand.
Pee Wee, you better go call Ted.
- I don't feel so good...
- I hate to do this,
but I think we better
get him to a hospital.
- Hospital. Hospital.
- Mickey, where are you goin'?
I'm goin' home, you son of a bitch.
Where d'you think?
Don't worry, old buddy.
I learned my lesson.
We're gonna have to baby-sit with him.
That won't stop him.
- Did you see Timmy's face?
- Yeah, we saw it.
Shorts, shirt...
You really worked him over,
didn't you, Schwartz?
Hey, I didn't do that. I hardly touched
his face. I couldn't have done that.
- No, you didn't do it.
- Well, what happened?
- His old man.
- His father? Why?
Cos he got into a fight with a Jew
and he lost.
Coach, can I talk to you about Cavanaugh?
- Come on, Lynn.
- Brackett, you know I don't go all the way.
Who said anythin' about goin' all the way?
We're just gonna have a cup of coffee.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Come on, Lynn.
I'll tell you a little secret.
- How do you know that?
- Miss Honeywell, do you mind?
- Do I mind what?
- It's disgusting.
The two of you, squirming about
like a pair of eels in heat.
- You're a disgrace.
- Yeah?
Well, it beats waddlin' around
like a frigid hippopotamus, Beulah.
What did you call me?
Beulah... Beulah Ballbreaker.
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- Well, if I heard a hurdy-gurdy playin',
I'd think I was talkin'
to the fat lady in the circus.
But I guess I'm talkin' to a ton of bad
news named Beulah, Beulah, Beulah.
- Look, ladies, I don't think this...
- You butt out.
Moral turpitude.
- What?
- Moral turpitude.
Read your contract, Miss Honeywell.
I'll have you fired for moral turpitude.
You can take your moral turpitude and you
can stick it up the old gazoo, Beulah.
- Gee, Lynn, I don't know. "Moral turpitude".
- Oh, come on.
All right, Brian.
- I'll talk to Coach Goodenough.
- I appreciate that.
But don't expect too much.
Now, come on, we're late for practice.
Smell.
Smell that air.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
The boys' locker room always turned me on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it turns me on.
It always has. I... I don't know why.
That's really interesting, Lynn,
but why don't you give me a hand here?
It always turned me on,
and I really don't know why.
Who cares?
I gotta know... I believe in frankness...
Why do they call you Lassie?
I... I...
I... don't... don't...
What in the world...?
Come on, Lynn. Time out. Time out.
Lynn. Lynn.
Be quiet! Be quiet, be quiet, be...
Please be quiet.
- Yes.
- Why, yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
Oh, goddammit.
Now.
Gas.
Sorry I'm late, Coach,
but I had a case of the runs.
Boy, it hurt like hell.
You probably heard me all the way out here.
- Must be catching.
- How's that?
I hope you haven't grown too attached
to Angel Beach, Coach Brackett.
All right, boys.
- This is the best one yet.
- What now?
All you need is a watermelon
and two jelly doughnuts.
- I'm not takin' a shower with him.
- Religious fanatics.
Hey, Mickey, how's it goin'? Listen,
we're about to go on a beaver shoot.
- You wanna come?
- Nah, I got things to do.
You're not thinkin' of
goin' back out there?
Hell, no. They got some badasses out there.
Not to worry, gentlemen.
Tupperelo's on the job.
If he goes there again, I'll work him over.
When I get through,
he'll think Porky's his momma.
You'd be an idiot
to mess with those shitkickers.
Hey, you guys. They're goin' in.
Miss Walker's with 'em. Come on.
See you later, Mick.
Right.
Jesus Christ. It's the mother lode.
I've never seen so much wool.
You could knit a sweater.
This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot
in the history of Florida.
Dammit. It's Blubber McNeil.
I can't see a thing, dammit.
Would ya be quiet?
They're startin' to leave. Shit.
- Hey, beat it, would ya?
- But I'm missin' it, man.
Would ya shut up?
And you stay on your side.
One, two, three, four, up, down.
And one, two, three, four, up, down.
Goddammit. Will you move it, you lard-ass?
- Sounds like a guy's voice.
- Yeah, but where's it comin' from?
- Is that Tommy Turner?
- Yeah, who is it? Who's back there?
Horny bastards. Get outta here.
Don't be alarmed, girls.
This is your health department.
We're checking out unlicensed pussies.
- Please step forward and spread your legs.
- What are you testin' for?
Originality, neatness and hygiene.
You'd better get outta here,
otherwise you could get in big trouble.
If Pee Wee's with you, you better
cover his eyes. He might get confused.
They're hot. These broads are hot.
They want us to look.
- They're hot, I'm tellin' ya.
- Well, they ain't leavin'.
Well, let's find out.
- What are they doin'?
- Shit. One's comin' for it.
Shit. Bitch. Funny?
All right, I'll give ya
somethin' to play with.
Tommy, what are you doin'?
Here, chickie chickie. Good chickie. Here, chickie.
Chickie chickie? Here, chickie.
- Here, chickie.
- Wait a minute. I know that guy.
- What's... what's goin' on?
- Tommy...
Hey, hold still, man. She's comin' for it.
Are you shittin' me?
She's droolin'.
Hi. I'm Paulie the Penis,
and I just love to have fun.
Hold still, man. She's comin' for it.
Oh, boy. She really wants it.
Here she comes.
She's almost got it.
She's almost got it.
She's got it.
- Oh, jeez.
- I've got you now, Tommy Turner.
- And I'm taking you to the principal.
- Man, this broad is really hot.
Hang in there, buddy.
Somebody get the principal, Mr Carter.
Somebody get the principal.
Does this mean
Tommy and Miss Balbricker are engaged?
Shit. Christ.
I know it's you, you little filthy pervert.
Now you...
Shit.
You freak.
You filthy little pervert.
I can hear you in there.
You dirty little degenerate.
Now, Mr Carter,
I know this is completely unorthodox,
but I think this is the only way
to find that boy.
Now, that penis had a mole on it.
I'd recognise that penis anywhere.
In spite of the juvenile snickers of some,
this is a serious matter.
That... that seducer and despoiler
must be stopped.
He's extremely dangerous.
And, Mr Carter, I'm certain that
everyone in this room knows who that is.
He's a contemptible little pervert who's...
- Miss Balbricker.
- Well, I'm sorry.
But I've got him now, and I'm not going to
let him slip through my fingers again.
All I'm asking is that you give me
five boys for a few minutes.
The coaches can be present. Tommy Turner,
and any four boys you see fit to choose.
And we... and we
can put a stop to this menace,
and it is a menace.
Well? What are you gonna do about it?
Five young boys in the nude?
A police line-up so that
you can identify his tallywhacker.
Please, please, can we
call it a tallywhacker?
"Penis" is so person... per...
"Penis" is so personal.
Well, we can put hoods over their heads
to avoid embarrassment.
Now, listen. We have got to do it,
as distasteful as it is.
I know it's him.
That tallywhacker had a mole on it,
and that mole is the key to it.
Miss Balbricker, do you realise
the difficulty of your request?
Now, I would be very happy to...
to apprehend the young man myself,
but imagine what
the Board of Education would say
if you were granted a line-up in order
to examine their private pa... pa... pa...
their... their... their...
their private parts
for an incriminating mole.
But, Mr Carter...
Mr Carter?
I think I have a way out of this.
We call the police, and we have 'em
send over one of their sketch artists.
And Miss Balbricker can give a description.
We can put up "Wanted" posters
all over school.
"Have you seen this prick?"
"Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker."
"Do not attempt to apprehend this prick
as it is armed and dangerous."
"It was last seen hanging out in the girls'
locker room at Angel Beach High School."
- There you are. Now let's do it.
- All right.
- Hey, Timmy. Coach gonna let you play?
- Yeah. I've been reinstated.
- That's great.
- OK, guys. Hit the floor.
Yeah, Tim. Us little
guys need our enforcer.
All right, Cavanaugh. Get with it.
"Anytime you're feelin'Ionely"
"Anytime you're feelin'blue"
"Anytime you feel downhearted"
- What's that, Wendy?
- It's a shit detector.
- That's the oldestjoke in the world.
- I know.
I liked it.
- So, where's Mickey?
- Meat's with him.
I don't think so.
Hey, Meat. Where's Mickey?
I don't know, man. He gave me the slip.
- Shall we go out there?
- It's too late now.
OK.
Come on, Jew-boy. Hey, watch it, buddy.
Louie, Hymie, Abie, Sam
We're the boys who eat no ham
You really get a kick
out of this, don't you?
You got a big Jew mouth,
just like your big Jew nose.
You're a big man when you're kickin' the
ass outta kids with that sneaky Jap stuff.
Well, come on, boy. Why don't you try
some of that shit on me? Come on, Jew-boy.
- Get outta here.
- What?
- You heard what I said.
- Well, who are you talkin' to, boy?
- Trash. Pure trash.
- Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.
You know, I wish
you wouldn't have said that,
cos you don't know how humiliatin' it is
to have anybody know you're my pa.
Just stay out of this.
Make sure you're finished,
cos this is the last time you ever lay
a hand on me again, you son of a bitch.
All right, what's going on here?
Now, you got any more smart talk?
All right, Mr Cavanaugh. I think we can
get you one to three for felonious assault.
Meanwhile, I'll be glad
to finish this off the record.
No. Just let him be. I'm not afraid of him.
I'm not afraid of you.
If you ever come near me again,
I swear to God I'll kill you.
Looks like I'm gonna
make a man out of you yet, boy.
A man?
If being a man means being what you are,
I'd rather be queer.
I'm havin' you put under a peace bond,
Mr Cavanaugh.
You come near this boy again,
I'll have you arrested.
- I'll see you again.
- I'll be lookin' forward to that, Slime.
OK, it's over. Come on,
let's get on back to the dance.
- Well, what are you waitin' for?
- Are you OK?
Yeah, I think I'll be all right.
Look, you know you're welcome to stay
with Tommy or I as long as you like.
- All right. Thanks.
- Why don't you...
OK, girls. If you're gonna kiss each other,
let's get it over with.
Otherwise let's get on
back to the dance, right?
Right.
If Ted hadn't stepped in,
I'd have taught that sucker a new one.
I wonder if he realises
just how lucky he was.
Now, wait a minute. Just wait one minute.
Something's wrong here.
I know what it is.
If we could just... Yeah.
- That satisfies my sense of proportion.
- Man is not known by inches alone.
I got somethin' to satisfy
your sense of proportion.
I'm sure you do.
What the hell is this
tonight, Looney Tunes?
Mickey.
You should see him.
I messed him up good.
- I got the pig's tooth.
- Come on, step aside. Look out.
I think he's got some broken ribs,
maybe a collapsed lung.
Billy, get an ambulance.
No, don't move him, don't move him.
Take off his sweater
and put it behind his head. Real slow.
- See you guys.
- Hey, Ted, we're goin' too.
No, you're not. It's bad enough,
us goin' outtajurisdiction,
without a charge
of contributin' to delinquency.
- But we...
- No buts, Pee Wee.
I don't want to see any
of you guys get hurt.
- Nobody has to get hurt.
- What are you talkin' about, Brian?
Nobody has to get hurt, and your career
doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Well, I'm all for that.
What have you got in mind, Brian?
- It doesn't have to happen tonight, right?
- No, it doesn't have to be done tonight.
Good. Look, let me talk to you alone
for a second, OK?
OK.
- Count me in.
- You could get fired, Coach.
Are you kiddin'? I gotta be
the worst coach that ever lived.
I'm long gone after this semester anyway.
And don't call me "Coach" any more.
Call me Roy. I'm only 23, for chrissake.
- You look much older.
- Turner, why don't you go sit on a snake?
You see that right there?
Porky gave me that about six years ago.
I've always wanted a shot at that mother.
I'd like to feed him his nuts for lunch.
Brian's got somethin'. Be at his place
four o'clock Sunday, all right?
- What we gonna do?
- Just sit tight.
We're gonna give Porky a night to remember.
- Hey, Brian, where are you goin'?
- To do some reconnaissance.
Hey, Brian. Wait a minute.
Look, when we go to Porky's,
do me a favour, OK?
Don't tell him your name is Schwartz.
Those guys are prejudiced out there.
All right.
What about Paddy Aloysius O'Brien?
Nah, too Jewish. Let's
not take any chances.
All right. What about Sean Mulcahy?
Wait a minute.
Go ahead.
OK, thanks. We're just waitin'
for the guys from the bridge.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Billy. Billy. Tommy.
OK, I gotta go relieve Coach.
- Everything go all right?
- Like a precision drill team. Thanks.
Well... Good luck, kiddo.
I'll have everything ready.
Get ready for Jarvis's revenge.
- Hey, man, this better work.
- Don't worry.
There it is.
They're ready.
- What do we do now?
- Wait.
All we gotta do now is wait.
Billy. Billy.
Billy loves those bird calls.
All right. Now, If there's any sign of
guns, don't bother hookin' this up.
- We're gettin' the hell out, all right?
- Billy, be careful.
You'll never get one to fit me
out of that rubber machine.
What's that? What the hell is that?
- I wanna see Porky.
- Who wants to see Porky?
Tell him the boys from
Angel Beach are here.
Tell him to bring the best he's got
and meet us in the parking lot - now.
Jesus Christ.
Hey! Do you believe that?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Porky?
The boys from Angel Beach are here.
All right, now. Remember -
any sign of guns and we're gone, OK?
Yo. Billy.
Where are these little virgins
that think they've reached manhood?
You wanna tangle ass with me?
Come up here, you sawed-off punk.
I'll educate ya.
I'll wrap this right around
your damn neck. Come on.
Boy oh boy, Porky, we're really scared.
I guess we'd better go now.
- Get your ass on home.
- I hope shit floats.
You'll float if I catch you here again,
you little shit.
What are they up to now?
All right. Grab everything that kills.
I'm gonna kill em', the dumb shits.
I got splinters in my butt.
Let's go.
Don't you son of a bitches know the
difference between drive and reverse?
- I did have it in drive, boss.
- Get us outta here.
It's gone.
Porky's is gone.
You're dead, you sons of bitches.
I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.
Get that Pigmobile up here.
I'm gonna break your fuckin' necks myself.
Get their asses.
- Shit.
- Come on, forget it. We're leavin'.
We're leavin'. Come on.
- Did you check that car out?
- Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss.
"Ain't nothin' wrong with this car, boss."
Let's go. Come on.
Come on, fellas. Come on. Step on it.
Pork. Pork.
Come on. Let's go.
Where the hell were you?
See what those kids did to my club?
Hit that pig whistle.
Come on, Billy, let's go.
We're gonna do it.
Come on, Billy. They're gainin' on us.
- All right.
- Come on. Let's go.
There's the county line,
goddammit. Step on it.
We're gonna make it.
I want those little nosy mothers arrested,
and I mean like right now.
- They destroyed my club.
- How'd they do that?
- They've been comin' in there for weeks.
- Which ones?
- This one, and that little bastard back there.
- All right, Mickey.
This 16-year-old, and this 17- year-old
youngster have been in your establishment?
They've been comin' in before,
This ain't the first time...
- Especially that little son of a...
- We may have made a mistake.
- What are you talkin' about?
- They're youngsters.
Those boys just destroyed my station house
and two of my cars.
I want them booked on felony charges,
destruction of private property, and assault.
- Hold on...
- Hold on, my ass.
You're in my county now.
I wonder what I could book you for?
Let's see...
Get him, brother.
Broken headlight.
That's a $50 fine in Seward County.
I got that right here.
Damn.
Blown tyre. That's too bad.
Broken radiator. This car is a mess.
- Shit.
- Broken hood ornament.
- Any questions?
- All right, how much do you want?
I'll let you off on the promise that you get
your fat ass back across that county line,
and the promise from your brother that
what occurred tonight will be forgotten.
- Why don't you stick it up your...
- Promise. For chrissakes, promise.
- I promise to shove my foot up his...
- Promise him.
Promise him, you asshole,
or you'll be back shovellin' pigshit.
- I promise.
- I can't hear you.
I said I promise, you motherf...
I promise.
Now get this car out of Seward County.
You've blown away our engine,
we got one flat tyre. How?
Just put a little weight behind it.
I'm sure you boys can manage that.
OK, you guys. Get your shoulders
behind this thing. Let's get outta here.
Hey, listen up.
It's Tommy and Brian. Let's go get 'em.
- What a perfect ending?
- Yeah, perfect!
- What's with him?
- Take care of that, Mick.
What's wrong with you, Pee Wee?
We just blew up Porky's. That was my last
chance. Now I'm never gonna get laid.
- Oh, no, you... Wendy. Wendy. Come here.
- No, Tommy. Don't make me.
Yeah. You said if we pulled it off,
you'd break Pee Wee's cherry.
- A bet's a bet. Now you gotta pay off.
- I shoulda gotten better odds.
- Whaddaya mean, "break Pee Wee's cherry"?
- You wanna get laid or not?
- If you're not cherry, you don't get Wendy.
- I'm cherry.
You could put me on top of
a banana split, I'm so cherry.
Well?
Well... Oh, all right, all right.
Just... just don't tell anybody, OK?
- Hey, don't worry. It'll only take a minute.
- All right, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee. You idiot.
- Here he comes.
- Hey, it's Ready Eddie.
What now, Pee Wee?
- I need a rubber.
- Didn't I tell ya?
- Do you believe this?
- You have to do this with a little...
The Ramses, curse of the Pharaohs.
Hey, Pee Wee. Hey, Pee Wee.
It fits over your dick.
It's too big.
Pee Wee, we don't have
any training rubbers.
- Pee Wee, tie a knot in this one.
- I got ajunior size.
Hey, Pee Wee. Whaddaya think this is,
the return desk at Macy's?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I'd know that penis anywhere.
I saw it. I saw it.
Arrest him.
Arrest him. I can identify him.
Positively.
Jeez.