Porky's II - The Next Day (1983) Movie Script
- They're for you.
- What am I gonna do with 'em?
We thought you'd like to wear one today.
Shit!
OK, here comes your night to remember!
Here she comes.
She's almost got it. She's almost got it!
She's got it!
Come on, shit for brains!
What do you mean,
break Pee Wee's cherry?
If you're not cherry,
you don't get Wendy.
I'm cherry. You could put me on
top of a banana split, I'm so cherry.
Make it mine. Make it mine.
Please make it mine.
I got laid!
I got laid. I tore her up.
She's ruined.
She's ruined.
Where's Stiffy? Stiffy!
Maybe it doesn't work
for a couple of days after you get laid.
Up, you big husky! Up!
Shit.
Marilyn Monroe.
Jayne Mansfield.
Shit!
Got a bad rash, Mom.
Hurts like heck.
I don't think I'll ask.
- Hey, Casanova!
- Hey, stud, how does it feel?
Listen, about this Shakespeare crap.
- Shakespeare crap?
- Stop!
You're getting me in
trouble with Mother.
It's not my fault your
Mom's a drama teacher.
Look. just because you don't
mind running around looking
like a jerk, my mother thinks
I shouldn't mind either.
Shakespeare's good for you.
It'll broaden your mind.
Shakespeare's ass
sucks canal water.
Oh his ass sucks canal water.
That's very profound.
- He has a keen analytical mind.
- And a way with words.
Hey, Pee Wee. How's what feel?
Getting laid.
- Same as it always feels.
- Oh, I don't believe it. Never again.
What are you guys talking about?
I got bodies laid all over South Florida.
Morris, the last time you got any action
was with your fist. You know, Rosie Palm.
You guys are jealous because
I ruined Wendy for everybody else.
- Oh, no!
- Now that she's had me, what's left?
Yeah, well, that's not what she told me.
- What did she tell you?
- Ask her, Pee Wee. Here she comes.
Yeah, I can hear her pantin' from here.
Look man. when they've been
had by Pee Wee Morris,
they stay had. I mean they can't
keep their hands off me.
You guys better watch
out, cause when she sees
me your libel to get
caught in the stampede.
Watch this.
Hi, boys.
- She's in a frenzy.
- She's rabid.
She didn't see me, she
didn't know I was here.
That's what she said
about you last night.
Oh, man. The girl's my slave.
Wendy!
Hey, Wendy!
- Hey, baby. How's tricks?
- You talkin' to me?
Well, yeah. I'm talkin' to you.
How you feelin'?
To tell you the truth, I'm a little horny.
I haven't had too much action lately.
Is that so?
In fact, if I don't get next to a man soon,
I'm gonna be in real trouble.
You guys are as funny as a rubber crutch.
Thanks a lot, kid.
Oh, Pee Wee, come on.
It's just a little joke.
They made me do it. They said
they'd never let me see you again.
If that happened,
I'd just have to go into a convent.
I mean, after you, where's a girl to go?
It's all downhill from here.
- That's what I was tryin' to tell 'em.
- Well, you were right.
- When?
- How about lunchtime?
- OK.
- Gotta go. See you later.
Bye.
Look closer. That is the world's
record shit-eatin' grin.
- I don't know how you do it, Pee Wee.
- I'm an artist.
Michelangelo worked in stone.
Van Gogh worked in oil. I work in pussy.
- He works in pussy.
- At least he's consistent.
- Let's get him.
- I think he needs some more.
I think he does.
Hey, Pee Wee!
Look seriously, If you
got all this pussy lyin'
around, I think you should
share with your buddies.
- I mean we share with you.
- Oh, yeah. Like Cherry Forever.
A mere dalliance, my boy.
Affectionately done life experience.
Everybody oughta learn to run from
big colored guys with machetes.
Yeah, and as early in life as possible.
Anyway, I think it's pretty awful if you
don't fix us up with some of your stuff.
- Sure, I'll fix you up.
- Yeah? When?
- Well, hell, any time.
- How about tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night? Well now wait a
minute, it might take me
a couple of days to line
up some first-class stuff.
I gotta talk 'em into goin' for some other
guys. I mean, you know they're pretty loyal.
- Oh, yeah. I can imagine.
- Of course they would be.
Makes sense to me.
Shit.
Hi.
- You still suspended?
- Three more days.
Shit.
You're right. 5:10 on the nose.
I told you.
She goes to the bathroom 5:10 every day.
- Every day?
- Every day. 5:10 every day.
You can set your watch by it.
- She's German, you know.
- Very interesting.
Yeah? What's so interesting about when
Miss Balbricker goes to the bathroom?
A little experiment I
got for zoology class.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Stemrick!
- What do you want, Pee Wee?
Listen, You get a lot
of action, just like me.
Yeah, I get my share sure.
Listen, I promised to set Turner and some
of the guys up with some pussy ya know?
They haven't been getting much lately.
Except I don't wanna give
'em my choice stuff.
I mean these guys are
pretty inexperienced.
Yeah, you don't wanna do that.
Right, so anyway I was wondering if you
knew a broad that's a real pushover.
Somebody a real idiot could score with.
Hell, man. That's easy. Wendy Williams.
- Hey, Stemrick.
- Yeah?
Your sister sucks rhinoceros dicks.
I wonder what he meant by that?
Hold your splits, girls. Hold your splits.
All right, let's get ready
for the tongue exercise. Ready?
All right. up! Out! Right! Left! Down!
Up! Out! Right! Left!
Hey, you guys what the hell
did Pee Wee do to Stemrick?
He's pissed as shit and lookin'
for Pee Wee everywhere.
I think he asked Big John if he could
fix us up with his sister for a gang bang.
Could be. He's desperate enough. Boys, I
think we got his ass in a sling this time.
Yeah, well. Serves him right.
Hey, Billy?
- What kinda role you playin'?
- I'm playin' a couple of roles, actually.
I'm doin' different scenes
from different plays.
- What roles?
- Macbeth.
- I heard of that.
- Yeah.
What's the other role?
- Oberon.
- Oberon? Who's he?
He's sort of like a... forest ranger.
A forest ranger? In Shakespeare?
Yeah. He looks after the woods. You know.
Looks after the woods?
Yes. He sorta runs
around in the woods a lot.
- He sounds like a fairy to me.
- He's not just a fairy.
He's the king of the fairies.
Oh, you mean like a really big fairy.
You guys are really funny.
Hysterical.
Come on, guys. Let's get serious.
This is art here.
- I think it's really admirable, Billy.
- I bet you do.
So.
So you're playin' a big fairy?
Yeah.
Well, that's good casting.
Hey, Turner, suck my wand!
- Frank.
- What's up, Pee Wee?
Listen, how would you like to get back
at Turner for that Cherry Forever gag?
Oh boy, you know I would.
Why, whatcha got in mind?
I'll tell ya later.
First we gotta find a broad who
they'll believe is ready for a gang bang.
You know, a real push over.
You mean someone who's like a door knob?
Everybody takes a turn?
- It's easy. Wendy Williams.
- Never mind Wendy Williams. Somebody else.
- Somebody that they don't know.
- All right. Let me see.
There's this girl in the
band, Big Edna, is supposed
to be hot. I heard, mind you.
I wasn't there.
I heard she was about to take on 20 guys
on the way back home from the Daytona trip.
Some of the fruitcakes in the band
didn't know what to do.
- It figures. Big Edna.
- I mean big. Six foot.
Listen, Pee Wee.
Take this over to that lab monitor for me.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- Thanks.
Gee, that's very funny, Morris.
Pee Wee.
Pee Wee, it's not that bad.
Just tell those guys you
polled all the members of your
harem and they don't want to
make it with a bunch ofjerks.
- That's what you'd do, huh?
- I don't have a harem.
Oh, that's not what I hear.
What'd you hear?
I was asking who's the biggest pushover
in school. You know what everybody said?
- Wendy Williams?
- Right.
Geez Pee Wee, it can't be the first time
you've heard that stuff.
- Well that's different.
- Why?
Well before, I wanted it to be true.
And I guess now I don't.
Well, that's good. Because it's not true.
- It isn't?
- No.
You don't believe me?
You went on the bus with me, just
like that. No questions asked.
That's like the old
joke "I wouldn't belong"
to any club that would
have me as a member. "
Pee Wee, don't you know why I did that?
Yeah. The bet with Tommy.
I did it because I liked you
and because I wanted to.
You did?
uh huh.
- You do it every time you want to?
- Yup. Every time I want to.
It's just that I've only
wanted to three times.
Really?
Tommy - you knew that.
Some guy you don't know at summer camp.
And you.
Well, why are all these assholes
talking about you like that?
Because most guys are so
desperate, they'll lie
about anybody to make
themselves look like studs.
Didn't you ever brag about some girl
you never really made it with?
Well, I can't believe
they'd make all that up.
You know how I got my reputation?
In the eighth grade.
I didn't know anything. I mean...
These guys tried to get me
to go skinny-dipping.
I didn't want to, but I didn't care
if they did so I watched.
I thought it was funny, you know.
Flopping around.
Oh, God.
The next day in school, I was a slut.
I mean, the original mattress-back.
I got used to it.
What do they know about me?
I do what I want.
I don't care what anybody thinks.
Well... I mean, don't
you care what I think?
uh huh.
I care.
But I can't tell you what to think.
I can only tell you the truth.
Oh, boy.
Well? We gonna be buddies?
Well first, I'm gonna
have to get into shape.
Yeah, why?
Why? Cos I'm gonna kick the
shit out of these guys!
I don't want 'em talkin'
about my girl like that.
Come on, kids! Let's go.
- Shit.
- That's your cue.
By the way, we got somethin' cookin'
for your Cherry Forever revenge.
Who's "we" and how
did you know about that?
"We" is Brian and me. And
what do you mean, how
do I know? You don't think
I look after my guy.
- We even know where to get the girl.
- Don't worry. I got a lead.
Now what's the plan?
We're still workin' on it.
I'll tell you everything tonight.
Big Edna?
- Hi. I'm Pee Wee Morris.
- I know.
You do? Ah, well, that figures.
Listen Edna, I heard you
had a little problem
with the boys in the
band the other night.
Huh?
Edna, I have some guys that won't
let you down. You know what I mean?
No.
Come on, Edna. A big girl like you takes
a lot of men to keep you satisfied, right?
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, you know what I'm talkin' about!
- I don't.
- Edna, come here.
- I wonder what he's up to.
- Who knows.
- What do you think?
- No way.
Gang bang?
Dirty, rotten, filthy little creep!
- Are you OK?
- I take it that was a no.
- She's thinking it over.
- You're funny.
Look, don't worry about it.
We'll switch to plan B.
Plan B? I don't even
know what plan A was.
Here's what we'll do.
Yet I will try the last.
Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be he
that first cries "Hold, enough!"
No, not you.
Shakespeare. The... play.
- God I'm glad I don't have to eat these.
- Hey ah Wendy, you seen Billy around?
Don't bug him you guys,
he's studying his role.
Yeah he's studying his role,
you ignorant oafs.
Right, I got a
role he can study.
He's not ready for a
role that big, yet Meat.
Hey, Mickey!
Suckers.
Hey, McCarty.
Can we have your autograph?
Look, you guys, when I become a big star
and I'm rubbing elbows with Ava Gardner,
you're the first people
I intend to forget.
That's Hollywood.
"Gentle Puck, come hither. "
What the fuck's a puck?
It's a character. It's a friend of Oberon's.
He's like a... a little forest ranger.
- Puck? A little forest ranger?
- Yes.
- Well, who plays that part?
- Pee Wee.
Oh. So Pee Wee plays the
little fairy and you
play a big fairy. That's
a lot of fairies.
You guys get to run around
the woods together?
You guys must be really proud of your
ignorance cos you show it off so much.
- John Henry.
- Yes, I know.
Tell Mrs. Morris I'll take the part.
I will. I'm glad.
- Is he in the show?
- Well, he is now.
- He's a Seminole.
- Observant, Tim. Real observant.
No, no, no. I just meant that...
some people might not care for that.
- Well, it's all right with me.
- Me too.
- So we're gonna see the broad tonight?
- Tonight, right.
Do you really think
they're gonna go for it?
Long as you keep your cool.
Lookjust think of it
as an acting lesson.
Cool. Right.
Hey, the door.
Right.
Don't forget Tomorrow
night at 11 o'clock.
Right.
It's gonna work, right?
Graveyard Gloria, right?
Right.
- Cool, right?
- Right.
You could be the biggest
fairy of 'em all.
Eat my shorts.
Hey, you guys, how they hangin'?
Oh will you cut it out, for Christ's sake!
I come here with an offer
of a lifetime and you act like children.
It's embarrassing.
- We're sorry Pee Wee. What's your offer?
- Forget it. Billy, let's go.
You wanna sample the greatest ass in five
counties? Just nod if you're speechless.
What piece of ass is this?
Get this. By day, a
mild-mannered librarian.
She talks in a whisper. Looks
like a buttoned-up icebox.
But you get her within breathing
distance of a cemetery and you better
hold on to your dicks, because
she'll ride you into the ground!
I'm not kiddin'. They call her
"Graveyard Gloria, the fuck of death. "
I got it all lined up! You wanna act like
men for a change and take a shot at this?
I don't know. What do you say?
Do you wanna give her a shot?
I'd give her a shot, but it might
spoil it for the rest of you.
Well Hell why not? I mean if Pee Wee found
her she's gotta have some curiosity value.
I got it all worked out for you all right.
- How about you, McCarty?
- Oh, I just love graveyards.
- But can't we rehearse first?
- Sure, Billy.
See you, Rock.
- Graveyard Gloria, my ass.
- I wonder where he dug her up?
Hey that's funny. I mean it's not as funny
as your face, but it's funny.
The little booger's up
to something sure as shit.
Yeah we're gonna have
to keep start keeping an eye on him.
How we gonna do that?
He's in rehearsal all day.
Well, Anthony, you always
wanted to be an actor.
Me, an actor? No fuckin' way.
You gotta be kiddin'. It'll never happen.
Count on it.
Thanks for coming by, Anthony.
You know I just figured I'd... kinda like,
ask you a question.
I mean, is this guy, like... Is he, like...
No.
Well how come he has to wear,
you know, clothes like this?
Well, he's pretending to be a girl.
Just pretending? OK.
Will you read Thisbe's speech on page 120?
Yeah.
"O wall, full often
hast thou heard my moans. "
That's pretty good, huh?
Anthony, can you get
your voice a little higher?
Huh?
Well, he's pretending to be a girl.
"My cherry lips... "
A little higher, Anthony. Come on.
"And I like Helen, till the Fates me... "
This isn't gonna work.
I just got a naturally deep voice.
You know.
I just naturally got a man's voice.
Really neat disguise.
Yeah!
I think I'm going to regret this.
Shit.
Graveyard Gloria huh?
Why not? Sounds like fun.
- You got a deal.
- Gee that's great.
Rex, shut up!
Gosh, he's so possessive.
- OK, Friday night. Good night Gloria.
- See you later, boys.
- They're gonna shit. Definitely.
- Definitely.
Oh, definitely.
- What do you want?
- Is Gloria in?
- Who wants her?
- We wanna talk some business.
- She ain't interested.
- We brought along a few friends of ours.
Oh, well...
Any friend of yours is a friend of ours.
That is great. Great. Nice, nice.
Very good. Next!
Lovely! Oh, just wonderful.
Next!
All right, who's supposed to be next?
Let's move it.
Come on, folks. Let's get with it, please.
All right, who's supposed to be next?
- It's Pee Wee.
- Oh. I see.
Pee Wee!
- I'm not comin' out.
- Pee Wee, get out here right now.
All we need is a brief look at the costume.
No way.
Pee Wee, you get out
here right now or you're
sitting out the rest of
the baseball season.
- Aww Mom, I can't. Everybody'll laugh.
- Nobody will laugh.
- Yes, they will.
- No, they won't.
- Will anybody laugh?
- No.
Get the curtain.
It looks great, Pee Wee.
- Nice horn, buddy.
- Love your dress, Meat.
Nice tail.
Excellent, costumers.
Very good. Very creative.
- All right, let's get on with it.
- You're not gettin' on with anything.
- I beg your pardon?
- Rise, flock, and follow.
Excuse me. This is a closed rehearsal.
We don't open for...
This show is never gonna open.
Miss Balbricker.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Oh, it's no pleasure,
I assure you, Morris.
I'm here to lend support
to Reverend Flavel.
And I'm the spiritual leader of the
Righteous Flock, Reverend Bubba Flavel.
Bubble Flavour?
Bubba Flavel, Mrs. Morris.
Reverend Bubba Flavel.
- It is Mrs. Morris, is it not?
- The last time I looked.
Would you put cow puckeys in
these children's mouths, Mrs. Morris?
What?
Or dog oogies?
Or Pelican snot?
Excuse me, I am going to be ill.
This is Shakespeare. It is not filth.
Oh, yes. I know, that's the official position
of the academic community. However...
Exactly what are you trying
to tell us, Reverend Flavel?
We're closing you down, Morris.
Closing you down.
- On whose authority?
- God's.
- The Righteous Flock's.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
So sayeth the flock.
If that's not good enough, we'll take
it to the the principal's office.
Then let's do that, Miss Balbricker.
Let's just do that. Right now.
Mr. Carter, there's a mob here to see you.
- Do they have an appointment, Betty?
- God always has an appointment!
Come on, Mr. Carter.
Well, Reverend. What is the problem now?
What is the problem?
The problem is fornication.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
Sister Balbricker. Open your book.
You play the woman's part.
Shakespeare is trash!
I'll give proof. Listen to this!
"If I be waspish, best beware of my sting!"
"Who knows not
where a wasp does wear his sting?"
Get this: "In his tail. "
- "In his tongue. "
- "Whose tongue?"
"Yours, if you talk of
tails: And so, farewell. "
"What? With my tongue in your tail?"
Now, there's no mistaking
his intention. No, sir.
He intends to put his tongue
in a woman's tail.
What kind of man would
do a thing like that?
Reverend, here is the Bible.
Now... Now, listen.
Just a moment. Listen.
"And my beloved put in his hand
by the hole of the door
and my bowels were moved for him. "
Song of Solomon. Chapter 5.
The devil can cite
scripture for his purpose.
He can cite Shakespeare
too, Reverend Flavel.
I have read Solomon and Job and Isaiah
and Jeremiah and Malachi
and Matthew and Mark and Luke and John.
- And nowhere...
- He forgot Sneezy and Doc.
Nowhere do I find the likes of this.
Midsummer Night's Dream. Act V. Scene I.
"The iron tongue of midnight
hath told twelve;
Lovers, to bed; 'tis almost fairy time. "
Good God! It's enough
to make a real man sick.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And Abraham was 90 years old and nine
"when he was circumcised in the flesh
of his foreskin. " Genesis 17.
A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act IV, scene I.
"I could munch your good dry oats. "
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And thy navel is like a rounded
goblet which wanteth not liquor. "
Solomon 7, verse 2.
And King Lear. Act IV. Scene VI.
"Let copulation thrive!"
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And when the Lord saw Leah was hated,
he opened up her womb. "
Genesis 24:31.
Vile! Blasphemous!
Intolerable! Shakespeare must go!
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
God damn you, you...
What sayeth you, Mr. Carter?
Get the flock outta here!
All right, Mr.. Carter!
This means war.
Holy war!
Flock, follow!
Thank you.
- Will you hurry up?
- Brian, who do I look like?
One last time: Boris Karloff as the Mummy.
- Dead right. Dead ringer, huh?
- One more dead joke, you're dead.
Excuse me, girls.
Y'all know a good dermatologist?
All right let's go
over it one more time.
We pick 'em up. You introduce me.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Miss Gloria Tight ass,
little Miss Prim and Proper. "
"Good evening, boys.
It's swell to meet you. "
I figure she whispers a lot,
being from a library and all.
Right. Good, but talk about books or
something. You know, keep 'em off guard.
Oh, yeah. Books.
All right then we take the detour.
You ask me why.
The minute you hear
the word "graveyard"...
I get hot.
But I mean really hot. Be convincing, because
these guy's will be lookin' for a trap.
I mean you even gotta convince me.
And I've been around.
Lover, I will be convincing.
Oh, I want these guys so horny,
they'll do anything for it. Anything.
I don't believe you, what
is the matter with you?
It's the booze, man.
It's deadly.
Wait a minute. I almost forgot my bottle.
That would be a grave error.
So, Gloria,
have you read any good books lately?
I read My Gun is Quick.
Do you know that one?
Know it? He lives it.
- Really? Are you a private eye?
- No, he's a private dick.
- But not by choice.
- Turner, how about gobblin' myjoint?
No, I never read
that one, Meat.
Me neither. I don't think we
have it in the library yet.
So Gloria, how come we've never
seen you at the library?
- She works odd hours.
- Midnight till three.
Ooh that reminds me. I
promised Mother I'd stop by
the cemetery to put flowers
on Granddad's grave.
The graveyard?
Ooh, Pee Wee!
Oh Pee Wee! Oh!
The worms crawl in.
The worms crawl out.
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
Hey, don't forget your flowers.
- OK, where are the rednecks?
- Those boys are over there.
Where's Steve?
I think we oughta nail him
in his coffin and leave him overnight.
Hey, listen. Listen to me.
I'm gonna go back to her and...
- She's hot, man. She is really hot.
- That's what you said, Pee Wee.
- Yeah but she's really hot Timmy!
- Pee Wee, I'm getting hot.
I want all you guys - but especially you.
Go get her, Pee Wee.
I'm getting hot and I really mean it.
Let's you and I go do it
before the others get there huh?
Oh, shit!
- Bye, Pee Wee.
- Like shootin' fish in a barrel.
Don't die till he gets
all his clothes off.
Right.
- He's going to shit.
- So am I.
Steve!
Shut up, man.
Listen, come on! The signal's been delayed.
Somethin' important came up.
- Be realistic when you die.
- Don't worry, sugar.
- Go easy, Bill.
- Right.
OK. I'm ready.
Well...
I'm dying for it. But wait.
I want you to come... slowly.
Step by step... by step.
I wanna feel your arms around me.
Your lips on mine. Your hands on my body.
Oh, yes.
Touching, searching, feeling.
Oh, Pee Wee!
My God.
What's the matter? Don't you like me?
What?
What?
What?
I thought she was supposed
to be doing this realistic.
Holy shit!
Help, Tommy!
Help, Tommy, come here! Hurry!
We've got to act serious.
Tommy!
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Check her pulse.
- What pulse?
- What do you mean, what pulse?
- Is there a heartbeat?
I don't think so.
Of course there is a heartbeat!
Otherwise she'd be...
Dead.
Ha! Pee Wee.
Don't look, Pee Wee. Just don't look!
She can't be dead. Let me look.
- Dead as a fuckin' doornail.
- Oh, shit!
You got her too excited, Pee Wee.
- I think we should call the police.
- Police?! My mom's gonna kill me.
- Oh we can't do that.
- Why not?
- Pee We'll go to jail.
- Jail?
What do you mean?
Look man, this is coitus interruptus.
In extremis.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
- But I didn't do anything, Tommy!
The law doesn't look at
it that way Pee Wee.
If a woman dies while you're boffing her,
you're considered an accomplice.
- Oh, shit, Pee Wee.
- Oh, my God.
Look, Pee Wee. It really wasn't your fault.
She probably had a bad heart.
Yeah, it could have
happened to any of us.
Yeah, especially you, Meat.
- So. What are we gonna do?
- William, there's only one thing to do.
What's that, Thomas?
Bury her.
Yeah. We've gotta protect Pee Wee.
Hold up, they might miss
her down at the library.
Well I just suppose that's a chance
we're gonna have to take.
- Absolutely right.
- Meat, you wanna grab that body?
- Watch your hands buster.
- What do you care? You're dead.
- She's gettin' stiff already.
- So are you, Meat.
- What is this?
- Nothin'.
- What do you mean "Nothin" '?
- Who's in there? Where? There!
- Nobody.
- "Nobody"?
It's Steve.
Steve?
- It was a joke. It was just a joke.
- Ajoke?
Good God, Pee Wee, there's
a woman lying dead
over there. And you're
telling us it was a joke?
I didn't know!
We've put up with your pranks
for many years now.
But we never dreamed that you'd
have such little regard for human life.
We're disappointed.
Bitterly disappointed.
Well, God help you, Pee Wee.
- You're gonna have to live with this!
- Yeah. Amen.
But...
Oh, shit, Steve.
Hey!
Goddammit, I'm talkin' to you!
What the fuck do you think you're doin'?
- It's the goddamn grave robbers again.
- I'm gonna blow their fuckin' heads off.
Come on, you guys. What's goin' on?
Holy shit!
Bye-bye, Pee Wee. See you later!
What are you guys doin'?
Shit!
- Bye, Pee Wee!
- See you around!
- Crazy little fuckers.
- Well, it's an easy ten bucks.
That's right. Hand it over.
- Just kids.
- Yeah.
Remember the last time
we were on this road?
Yeah. Couldn't forget that.
I really wanna hear this story.
Look out!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie. boogie!
Boogie, Boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie!
All right. That's it.
OK, OK. All right.
All right, take it up.
This is gonna scare the shit out of 'em.
They gonna mess their trousers!
- Why are we doin' this for?
- I don't know, Billy.
- Brian, get the house lights, please.
- Sure.
Just pretend Reverend Flavel and
the county commissioners aren't out there.
We'll do the scenes as
we've rehearsed them.
Now, don't worry about it. It's going to...
- What is it?
- These clowns.
What's this supposed to mean?
Well...
They don't like John Henry
playing Romeo to Wendy's Juliet.
I'll withdraw if
you think it's best.
Oh, no. We're not
givin' in to this stuff.
Now hold on a second.
John Henry, certainly we're not going
to be intimidated by this stupidity.
But, ultimately, the decision
isn't ours. It's yours.
Mrs. Morris!
Oh, Mrs. Morris. I'd like you to meet
His Honor Mayor John G. Abernathy.
- How do you do?
- How are you? Great school. Great.
- Great school. My mother was a teacher.
- Really?
Have you met the other commissioners?
Commissioner Couch. Commissioner Hurley.
- Bob Gebhardt.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Well, gentlemen, I hope you enjoy it.
- Not likely.
I always admired the Bard myself.
I know several thousand voters
who don't share your view, Commissioner.
That sounds like a
threat, Reverend Flavel.
The Lord doesn't have
to threaten Mr. Flavel.
You remember that, Reverend Commissioner.
- Well, shall we start?
- Of course, sir.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.
What man art thou, that,
thus be screened in night,
So stumblest on my counsel?
By a name I know not
how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee.
My ears have not yet drunk...
- That kid's a Seminole.
- Yeah, probably.
Are thou not Romeo, and a Montague?
Gentle Romeo, ifthou dost
love, pronounce it faithfully.
Or ifthou think'st i be too quickly won,
i'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay.
- Lady, by yonder biessed moon...
- O swear not by the moon...
That young man is not
of the American persuasion.
My bounty is as boundiess as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more i have...
Yet I should kiil thee
with much cherishing.
Good night, good night!
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good
night till it be morrow.
- Well?
- Didn't we tell you?
I want the school board to cut off funds
for this extravaganza immediately.
Well Reverend, we're not
the school board. The
school board is an
independently elected body.
We'll discuss it however.
I'll get back to you.
This is ridiculous!
Hell's a lot hotter than Angel Beach,
Mr. Carter. You'll get quite a tan.
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Who's that guy?
It's Commissioner Gebhardt.
He's a friend of Dad's.
So what do you think?
He's great guy. We got
nothin' to worry about.
Let's hope so.
- You know who's behind this don't you?
- Yeah. Balbricker.
Right. Now she gets hers.
Thomas! Hold it, Thomas!
- Billy.
- What's this?
Blueprints.
I know they're blueprints.
What are they of?
- Take a look.
- OK. There's the school.
OK. So this is the gym. So what?
- So we take this snake...
- Jesus Christ! What the hell you doin'?!
Get it outta my face!
You don't like snakes?
I hate snakes! You know
I hate snakes. Jesus!
What are you gonna do?
Kill her?
It's just a rat snake.
It's not poisonous.
That old biack magic has me in its speli.
That old biack magic
that you weave so well.
- Are you sure this is the one, Billy?
- It's that one right there.
- You're sure?
- Yeah.
Here we go.
A flame.
With such a burning desire.
That only your kiss, kiss, kiss.
Can put out the fire.
- OK, Billy, gimme the snake.
- Give you the snake?
Get your own fuckin' snake.
- I've got your snake right here.
- Here.
Oh, you're the lover I have waited for.
The mate that fate had me created for.
And every time your lips meet mine.
Get it outta here!
- Put him in the goddamn hole!
- I want you to meet a friend of mine.
OK, come on.
In a spin.
Lovin' that spin I'm in.
under that old black magic called...
Love.
One more turn and we'll go.
What in the world...?
No, it can't be. I fired them.
Excuse me.
It's OK. Nothing to worry about.
Just a little rat snake.
No danger.
No problem, Coach. I'll let him go outside.
Quick thinking, Turner. Good job, son.
Turner!
Turner!
Beautiful.
- Hang on to that.
- Jesus!
Goddammit!
Turner, I'm gonna kill you! Goddammit.
Turner!
That's it. You're not
gonna surrender to him.
No Seminole ever surrendered!
Go on! That's it!
Go, go!
Oh, wait a minute. Wait!
That's good acting when you wanna
kill each other, but don't, huh?
I think Hamlet's supposed to win this one.
- Sorry, I just got carried away.
- That's OK.
Oh, Mrs. Morris.
Oh Mrs. Morris.
I must have a couple ofwords
with the students please.
- We're in the middle of a rehearsal.
- It's very important.
All right Mr. Carter.
All right, folks.
Let's get up here, please. Quickly.
Let's move it.
Folks, may we have your attention please.
Mr. Carter has a few words. Come on, now.
Thank you. I don't like to have to say this,
but I don't want you to be too distressed
because I'm quite sure
it can be resolved perfectlyjustly.
As you know, certain uninformed
factions have attempted
to halt our production
of the scenes from Shakespeare.
They influenced the county commission
to address the school board,
and indeed they have
been granted a hearing.
Therefore the superintendent of schools
has ordered me
to temporarily suspend
this production, pending that hearing.
I understand how you feel.
Now, please listen.
That is what I am doing officially.
However, there's absolutely nothing
to prevent you on your own
continuing to practice as a class project.
Of course I assure you, we're going
to everything we possibly can
to put this "Evening with
Shakespeare" on the stage.
Thank you, and what's the phrase?
Break a leg!
- What a mess.
- Those bastards.
Man, this is ridiculous.
The county commissioners are gonna shutdown
Shakespeare because they think it's dirty?
Those creeps watch skin flicks every
Saturday in the basement of the courthouse.
You're kidding!
No I'm not kidding.
Commissioner Mason was caught
exposing himself two years ago to his
Bible school class and they hushed it up.
- Oh, God. How did you know that?
- Everybody knows that. That's right.
- Well, don't worry about it.
- What do you mean?
We got a friend in court, remember?
- Yeah, Commissioner...
- Geb-fart.
God, I love this. I just love it.
I can't tell you how great it makes me feel
to see you great American kids
standing up and fighting for
what you think is right.
And believe me there's no question about
what's right here. I think this is ridiculous.
- But how can he do this?
- Well, he hasn't done anything yet.
All he's done is petitioned
the school board for a hearing.
But they stopped the play.
Well now son they haven't
stopped anything yet have they?
- You're still rehearsing.
- Yeah...
Right.
See you don't understand
the politics behind this.
This is the way it's gonna work.
I've got it all mapped out.
As you know, we've got an election
coming up in a couple of weeks.
Flavel's got a few votes under his thumb,
It's not many, but it's enough to scare
a couple of my fellow commissioners.
So, what's the easy thing to do?
We make Flavel happy. So...
So the commission makes Flavel happy
by taking the issue to the school board.
Right. Now the school board's
not up for reelection,
so they turn the petition
down and you'll be happy.
And the commission is
off the hook because... we tried.
So how'd you get
the commissioners to go along?
Old-fashioned horse trading.
Couple of my fellow
commissioners have a rezoning
project on the line, and
I'm the swing vote.
I really don't give a damn if they get their
rezoning - but I can't let them know that.
So I play hardball.
Now if they want my swing vote,
they have to help me with your problem.
It's like the hip bone
connected to the thigh
bone, thigh bone to the
ankle bone and so on...
- It sounds like dirty pool to me.
- Well...
Well, now, little fella. Our great
American system is built on compromise.
Everybody wants something. The trick is
to see that everybody gets a little piece.
- You know what I mean?
- You bet he does.
Now, you've got my word on this.
I'm not gonna let a pack of self-righteous
bullies deprive you of your play.
Matter of fact, if I'm not mistaken your
principal is being notified right now
that the school board has okayed
the evening of Shakespeare.
That's wonderful. Thank you very much.
Well, you can't do somethin' for the
little guy, you don't belong in office.
Oh, Commissioner.
Your meeting in five minutes.
Now you kids go put on a hell of a play.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Maybe I'll get invited
to the opening night?
Front row, center.
- Great guy.
- Yeah, he's swell!
What's that?
Reverend Flavel's petition
to stop the Shakespeare festival.
- Five thousand signatures.
- Five thousand?
Yeah, five thousand and
every one of them prepared
to vote against you if
things don't go their way.
Set up a meeting with Flavel.
Right.
I thought so.
The Klan!
- Guys, what's goin' on? What happened?
- There's no need for you now.
- Wait a minute. We're his friends.
- I'm his brother.
If you'd been have been here on
time this wouldn't have happened.
Look we couldn't help it.
My truck wouldn't start.
John's always waited for us to get here before
he came out to the road. We didn't know.
Leave him alone. It was John's mistake.
- How badly is he hurt?
- Just his pride.
They tried to shave his head.
A white man's little joke.
But their day is coming.
Whoa, buddy.
Are you all right? You're sure, John?
- I wanna go.
- Let him go.
All right, go.
- That oughta stir 'em up.
- Yeah, they oughta turn tail now.
Look at them dirty redskins
attacking that poor, defenseless cross.
I will not yield,
To kiss the ground
beneath young Malcolm's feet.
Though Birnam wood
be come to Dunsinane,
And thou opposed,
being of no woman born,
Yet I will try the last.
Lay on, Macduff.
And damned be he
that first cries "Hold, enough!"
- My sword broke.
- His sword broke!
- A sword!
- A sword!
His kingdom for a sword!
Get him a sword!
A sword!
A sword! A sword!
- I don't have a sword.
- What do you mean you don't have a sword?
- Just kill him.
- With what?
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
Billy, I got a sword.
Stab him.
Just kill me, John.
Aw, shit!
Stab!
Will you stab me? Just stick it in, John!
Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
As this heavy ploughman snores,
All the weary task for done.
Now the wasted brands do glow,
Whilst the screech owl, screeching loud,
Does put the wretch that lies in woe
To the remembrance of a shroud.
Flock! Follow.
Not a mouse
Shall disturb this hallowed house:
For I am sent with broom before,
To sweep the dust behind the door.
Ifwe have unearned luck
So to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Or else Puck...
- It's the cops!
- Whoa, what's this? What's goin' on here?
I am the principal and I
will take care of this.
Ladies and gentlemen, one moment, please.
These learned people, the Righteous Flock,
in their infinite wisdom,
have decreed that the works of William
Shakespeare, the pearl of English literature,
are unfit to be performed by our students
and too indecent to be viewed by you.
However, my good friends, I assure you:
we have not yet begun to fight.
Thank you.
Good night,
and we'll see you all again... very soon.
- Who do you think you're talkin' to?
- A hypocrite.
You care nothing about
matters of the spirit.
You just wanna control
other people's lives, you fascist!
We have dealt with the filth.
I can see we will
now have to deal with
the purveyors offilth.
- Hey, deal with this.
- You whelp of Satan!
No one speaks to me that way.
You better get a grip on yourself, boy.
Bye, Reverend.
Anthony, that wasn't entirely helpful.
Now, as I say, we have a warrant here
charging the Angel Beach High drama club
with public presentation
of obscene material.
Of course, we have no need to press
this warrant. That was never our intent.
These innocent children aren't to blame.
- Do you believe this guy?
- He's a deeply religious man!
Yeah, and rich.
We were the voice cryin' in the wilderness.
And we were heard by the mayor
and the God-fearin' members of the county
commission, who voted unanimously
to bring this corruption to a halt.
Does your warrant
apply to all plays by the drama club?
My warrant applies
to all plays by any drama club...
That lousy son of a bitch.
Gebhardt's leg bone got connected
to Flavel's foot bone.
And they both got shoved up our asses.
I knew it.
Fellow Americans! Fellow Americans...
The Righteous Flock denounces you.
You have no part in this.
The God-fearin' members
of the Klan support this action.
The mixin' of nigger
and Injun blood must stop.
- God, I think I'm gonna puke.
- Me too.
Go on, get out of here!
- The Righteous Flock denounces this...
- Sister, please!
Friends, I'd like to tell
you that tomorrow night
there will be a giant
rally right here at Angel Beach
to announce future steps
we will take to preserve moral decency.
Amen! Amen, brother!
The Loyal Order of the Klan will be there!
Here comes the son of a bitch.
Be nice to him. Pretend you
understand why he did it.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Just do it! I'll explain later.
This is exhausting!
All tuckered out from
playin' hardball Commissioner?
I was afraid you were
gonna misunderstand.
Look, look, I had to
make a tactical retreat.
If I'd hung in there, gotten steamrollered.
you'd have no friend in court.
Friend in court? Gee,
that has a familiar ring.
I said "retreat," not "surrender. "
You heard this guy. He's a fanatic. Give
him two weeks, he's gonna bury himself.
- Right after the election, hm?
- Yeah.
Apparently you're not prepared to believe me,
but I was working in your best interests.
Look, votes don't mean a thing to me
if I can't maintain my own integrity.
Look, Commissioner we understand.
It's not the end of the world.
Everybody's just a little
disappointed, right?
I know. I understand.
Wendy, let me talk to you. I want to explain
what it is I'm trying to accomplish,
- then you can relay it to the fellas. OK?
- OK.
I know what he's trying to accomplish.
Mrs. Balbricker, be silent!
I have spoken on this matter.
What is at stake justifies
anything we have to do.
Well, then, I won't be there.
It's indecent.
Remember, he who is not
with me is against me.
Bubba!
Tell us, Reverend.
Friends, it's OK. It's all right.
Don't forget tomorrow night.
- This is more fun than puttin' on a play.
- Bite your tongue.
OK, guys. What are we gonna do?
Well, I think for once we should
be thoughtful, mature and adult.
No, no. Tommy's right.
We got a problem. It's time we grew up
and we solved it in an adult manner.
Right. Let's go right to the top.
What would Eisenhower do
if the Russians did to the
country what the Righteous
Flock has done to us?
- Cut the fuckers' nuts off.
- Right.
- Any more questions?
- Not a one.
- Let's get backstage for battle plans.
- Yeah.
- And him too!
- I don't like him.
- What did he have to say?
- Nothing much.
- He's takin' me to dinner.
- Dinner?
He's takin' me to a nice,
discreet restaurant down in Miami.
- What are you up to?
- Revenge. What are you up to?
- Sounds good to me.
- Yeah, but this time no explosives.
- Wait I don't get it.
- Nobody tells me nothin'.
Commissioner. Commissioner,
you're takin' that kid to dinner?
Just gonna put another notch
in my six-shooter.
For God's sake, we have
an election in just over a week.
Don't worry about it.
I'm takin' her all the way to Miami.
But, Commissioner, she
is only 17 years old.
Oh, yeah? Then I'll only put
half a notch in my gun.
I hope this is better
than the last one.
At least we can see this one.
We couldn't see the other one.
Wow! Look at that fancy costume!
That guy's wearing argyle socks.
Must be a high-budgetjob.
This director must be
the Cecil B De Mille of pussy film.
Man, that woman is ugly.
Hose her down, boy! Hose her down.
Look at them tits.
Holy shit!
Look at the dick on that son of a bitch!
Mayor, that guy's dork
is bigger than yours.
Hey, mayor! If you had a cape like that, you
could give your secretary a flyin' fuck.
Look at that snatch!
Did Reverend Flavel approve of this one?
Approve of it?
Are you shittin' me? He gave me this one!
That stuff looks like diarrhea.
Only worse.
And now for the grand experiment.
Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
As you know, I am the barf inspector.
I gotta make sure
it has exactly the right plop.
Barf inspector comin' through!
Excuse me. Careful.
- This couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
- X marks the spot. Let her rip!
- Right in the eye. OK, more corn.
- Corn. Corn.
Please, Madame.
At La Fontana Di Voglio, everyone waits.
Please, to the back of the line.
Merci, thank you very much.
- Ah, Monsieur Gebhardt.
- Alex.
How good to see you, Monsieur.
We are expecting a guest
this evening, I presume?
You presume correctly.
And at what time is your sister arriving?
Or is it your cousin this time?
- Actually, this one's more like my niece.
- But of course, Monsieur. Of course.
- Is everything all set?
- All set.
- This is gonna be good.
- Go get 'em, Billy.
- Is my hood on straight?
- Can you see?
- Yeah.
- Then your hood's on straight, stupid!
Everybody's a fuckin' comedian.
- They oughta be here soon.
- I'm goin' down the road.
You be careful!
Where the hell are they? They sh...
OK, guys, be careful.
Where's Mickey?
Where the hell is he?
- Hey, you Klan pricks!
- OK, guys. Let's go.
Yeah, you boy. Why don't you boys go on home
and choke your chicken and beat your kids?
That's your speed.
Excuse me. Have you met my friend Meat?
Go screw your wives! You'll have to wake 'em
up and tell 'em what you're doin', though.
Forget him. Let's get to the meetin'.
Hey, where you goin'? The rally's this way.
Shortcut.
What the hell is goin' on here?
Evenin', boys.
- Howdy.
- Welcome, fellas.
We thought you might like
to meet a friend of ours.
Say what?
Yeah, I remember him.
You did a mighty fine job on him, Eustace!
The stingy little fucker
wouldn't leave no tip.
Well, now, in lieu of a tip,
why don't we just return the favor?
Louisville tit? What did he say?
- What did you say, boy?
- Why don't we give you a trim?
Oh, you snot noses are
gonna give us a trim?
- us and a few of our friends.
- A few of these friends here.
Well, you better bring the army, boy.
Bring the whole fuckin' uS cavalry.
Actually, we had something
slightly different in mind.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
Aw, shit! They're all fuckin' Indians.
Aw, shit. Oh, that's a lot of Injuns.
They ain't happy. These Injuns ain't happy.
Well, now. Don't be shy.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Now in consideration of your
status in the community,
we've imported a very special
gentleman to give you your clip.
- Allow me.
- I'd like you to meet Brian Schwartz.
He's Jewish. He's our Mohel for the day.
What, you may ask, is a Mohel?
Good question. A Mohel is a Jewish barber.
- But not exactly.
- Ask him what a Mohel is exactly.
- Come on!
- Go on, ask him.
- What in hell's a Mohel?
- I thought you would never ask.
Do you remember when you had your bris?
Probably a barbecue and
a bris in your case.
- Go on, ask him what a bris is.
- What in the fuck is a bris?
Good question.
Well, a bris is a circumcision,
and a Mohel is a man
who performs a bris or circumcision.
And this instrument is a Zemel.
And a Zemel is used
by a Mohel to perform the bris.
- Would you hold that?
- Absolutely.
Now, this Zemel has been used to chop
off literally hundreds of foreskins.
- Hundreds.
- Amen.
What better to shave the heads
of a bunch of pricks like you?
- The fuck you will!
- That's it.
Sit down, Ansell. Sit down.
Line up, boys.
Say, now. This is gettin'
out of hand here, boys.
Let's talk this over, OK?
I tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna let you off this time, OK?
You're gonna get out of here and we don't
wanna see you around here no more.
- That a deal?
- Yeah, now that's fair, ain't it?
You gotta admit, that is fair.
Nah.
Line up, boys.
We'll most certainly have
to retire this Zemel after this job.
- Madame, we'll wait.
- That will be grand.
You sly devil. I just can't stand it.
Look Jack, i'il have you know
I'm the guest of Big Bobby Gebhardt.
County Commissioner of Seward
County and a very big deal.
- You better take me
to his tabie pronto.
- Piease Madame, please.
What is the problem
I happen to be the guest
of Big Bob Gebhardt,
County Commissioner
of Seward County, and a very big deal.
You better take me to his table pronto.
- Are you sure it's Commissioner Gebhardt?
- Move it, dildo breath!
Giddyup! Whoa, what an ass!
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
Little Bobby Gebhardt, where are you?
It's your little snatchy-poo!
What are you waitin' around for?
Roll 'em outi Git aiong, little doggies.
We're here, jackass!
Bobby. Baby.
Oh, my God.
What are you doin'? Are you crazy?
I'm crazy for you, you big horse.
I want a drink. Gar-con!
Gar-con! What's the matter stupid?
Don't you speak French?
Yeah. Oui, oui.
Well, get me a drink.
It's my birthday today.
I'm 17 today.
Golly, 17!
Don't say 17.
Sweet 17 and never been kissed.
That kid is 23. 20.
Where does the time go?
Why, do you realize
I was only 14 when we first met?
I don't know her. isn't this crazy?
It was so romantic. I was a Brownie
in his wife's Girl Scout troop.
- You swine!
- Gimme a Shirley Temple.
It's my niece. She does it all the time.
You should have seen her
last year at the Elks Club.
Hey, what are you doin' with my boa?
Are you some kind of sickie? Pervert!
Very cute. Well, I'm leaving.
Get out of that chair and I'll yell "rape. "
- You'll what?
- I'll yell "rape. "
You're bluffing.
Rape!
Rape!
Oh, Bobby, don't leave me.
I can't have our baby alone.
My daughter's so funny. She's just wild.
How's that grab you?
Now sit there and take your medicine.
She never stops. She's so quick.
Yes, yes, that's it. That's right, brother.
Let's ail stand up for Jesus.
Tiil every foe is vanquished.
And Christ is Lord indeed.
Stand up, stand up for Jesus.
Ye soldiers of the cross.
Lift high his royal banner.
It must not suffer loss.
From victory unto victory.
His army shall he iead.
Tiil every foe is vanquished.
And Christ is Lord indeed.
Thank you, brothers,
for that inspirational hymn about Jesus.
And now, friends, as I was say...
As I was sayin'...
Good Lord.
- Is this part of the show?
- I don't know.
What a bunch of assholes.
Yeah, I'll say so.
Do you recognize any of them?
Hold it! Hold, I say.
Stand, I say.
Behold, the spawn of Satan.
The bowels of perdition.
- Hear my words. I speak salvation.
- Right, get ready.
- I speak redemption.
- Now!
Verily I say this to thee.
Holy shiti
Look at the dick on that son of a bitch.
Mayor, that guy's dork
is bigger than yours.
Hey, mayori if you get
yourself one of those capes
you could give your
secretary a flyin' fuck.
- Look at the size of that snatchi
- Oh, Mother.
- Did Reverend Fiavei approve of this one?
- You scumi
Approve?
Heil, Reverend Flavel gave me this one.
I can explain it to you. Let me tell you.
It's all right. I swear it's gonna be OK.
It's the goddamn communist...
Those sons of bitches...
You son of a bitch! You get out of here.
I told you to get out!
I tell ya, it's gonna be OK.
Aw, shit!
God, I needed that.
Oh, don't worry.
Commissioner Gebhardt'll pay for it.
He's county commissioner
of Seward County, for piss sakes.
You don't think he's gonna stick ya
for a 50-cent drink, for piss sakes?
Hey, waiter!
Hey waiter!
Hey waiter!
Put shitface's drink here
on Commissioner Gebhardt's bill.
For piss sakes, he's up
for reelection in two weeks.
Do you think he needs this shit?
- She's crazy.
- Your ass sucks canal water, buddy.
Oh, there's my Shirley Temple.
Hey, where's my cherry?
Who got my cherry?
Bobby.
Bobby, I lost my cherry.
Bobby,
did you get my cherry again?
You saucy little devil.
You can't get a girl's cherry twice.
You sly goose.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Bobby.
Bobby, I think I'm gonna be... sick.
Don't be sick.
Bobby, I am. I'm gonna be...
Not the pool. No, not the pool.
Back to Howard Johnson's.
Boy, it sure tastes better goin' down.
Well, I feel better now.
Bye.
Oh, my bag. Don't wanna forget my bag.
Well, farewell!
Ben, what's goin' on?
I will sue you!
You will not have a pot to piss in!
Look!
My tit! You broke my tit!
I'm gonna sue you! Where are my lawyers?
- Come on, boys. Pictures! I want pictures!
- Say "I'm ruined. "
- Oh, shit.
- Another one. More pictures. This is nice.
Good luck in the election.
I'll see you at the polls.
This is the most disgusting display
I have ever seen.
What a dump! We're leaving.
We're off to see the Wizard.
The wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Because, because, because.
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're offto see the Wizard...
- Good luck in the election, Commissioner.
- Let me discuss the issues with you.
- Commissioner Couch. Republican.
- Yeah.
Good luck in the elections.
Wait! Wait, don't go. Stop!
Don't go. Wait!
Stop!
April Fool!
What the hell are you hittin' me for? Lady,
I'm warnin' you. Don't hit me no more...
Well, I warned you.
Don'tjust lie there all spread-eagled
like that. It looks obscene.
You are a disgrace to the profession.
You are... je Ne sais quoi...
relieved of duty.
I am the new mat re de
La Fontana Di Voglio.
- What am I gonna do with 'em?
We thought you'd like to wear one today.
Shit!
OK, here comes your night to remember!
Here she comes.
She's almost got it. She's almost got it!
She's got it!
Come on, shit for brains!
What do you mean,
break Pee Wee's cherry?
If you're not cherry,
you don't get Wendy.
I'm cherry. You could put me on
top of a banana split, I'm so cherry.
Make it mine. Make it mine.
Please make it mine.
I got laid!
I got laid. I tore her up.
She's ruined.
She's ruined.
Where's Stiffy? Stiffy!
Maybe it doesn't work
for a couple of days after you get laid.
Up, you big husky! Up!
Shit.
Marilyn Monroe.
Jayne Mansfield.
Shit!
Got a bad rash, Mom.
Hurts like heck.
I don't think I'll ask.
- Hey, Casanova!
- Hey, stud, how does it feel?
Listen, about this Shakespeare crap.
- Shakespeare crap?
- Stop!
You're getting me in
trouble with Mother.
It's not my fault your
Mom's a drama teacher.
Look. just because you don't
mind running around looking
like a jerk, my mother thinks
I shouldn't mind either.
Shakespeare's good for you.
It'll broaden your mind.
Shakespeare's ass
sucks canal water.
Oh his ass sucks canal water.
That's very profound.
- He has a keen analytical mind.
- And a way with words.
Hey, Pee Wee. How's what feel?
Getting laid.
- Same as it always feels.
- Oh, I don't believe it. Never again.
What are you guys talking about?
I got bodies laid all over South Florida.
Morris, the last time you got any action
was with your fist. You know, Rosie Palm.
You guys are jealous because
I ruined Wendy for everybody else.
- Oh, no!
- Now that she's had me, what's left?
Yeah, well, that's not what she told me.
- What did she tell you?
- Ask her, Pee Wee. Here she comes.
Yeah, I can hear her pantin' from here.
Look man. when they've been
had by Pee Wee Morris,
they stay had. I mean they can't
keep their hands off me.
You guys better watch
out, cause when she sees
me your libel to get
caught in the stampede.
Watch this.
Hi, boys.
- She's in a frenzy.
- She's rabid.
She didn't see me, she
didn't know I was here.
That's what she said
about you last night.
Oh, man. The girl's my slave.
Wendy!
Hey, Wendy!
- Hey, baby. How's tricks?
- You talkin' to me?
Well, yeah. I'm talkin' to you.
How you feelin'?
To tell you the truth, I'm a little horny.
I haven't had too much action lately.
Is that so?
In fact, if I don't get next to a man soon,
I'm gonna be in real trouble.
You guys are as funny as a rubber crutch.
Thanks a lot, kid.
Oh, Pee Wee, come on.
It's just a little joke.
They made me do it. They said
they'd never let me see you again.
If that happened,
I'd just have to go into a convent.
I mean, after you, where's a girl to go?
It's all downhill from here.
- That's what I was tryin' to tell 'em.
- Well, you were right.
- When?
- How about lunchtime?
- OK.
- Gotta go. See you later.
Bye.
Look closer. That is the world's
record shit-eatin' grin.
- I don't know how you do it, Pee Wee.
- I'm an artist.
Michelangelo worked in stone.
Van Gogh worked in oil. I work in pussy.
- He works in pussy.
- At least he's consistent.
- Let's get him.
- I think he needs some more.
I think he does.
Hey, Pee Wee!
Look seriously, If you
got all this pussy lyin'
around, I think you should
share with your buddies.
- I mean we share with you.
- Oh, yeah. Like Cherry Forever.
A mere dalliance, my boy.
Affectionately done life experience.
Everybody oughta learn to run from
big colored guys with machetes.
Yeah, and as early in life as possible.
Anyway, I think it's pretty awful if you
don't fix us up with some of your stuff.
- Sure, I'll fix you up.
- Yeah? When?
- Well, hell, any time.
- How about tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night? Well now wait a
minute, it might take me
a couple of days to line
up some first-class stuff.
I gotta talk 'em into goin' for some other
guys. I mean, you know they're pretty loyal.
- Oh, yeah. I can imagine.
- Of course they would be.
Makes sense to me.
Shit.
Hi.
- You still suspended?
- Three more days.
Shit.
You're right. 5:10 on the nose.
I told you.
She goes to the bathroom 5:10 every day.
- Every day?
- Every day. 5:10 every day.
You can set your watch by it.
- She's German, you know.
- Very interesting.
Yeah? What's so interesting about when
Miss Balbricker goes to the bathroom?
A little experiment I
got for zoology class.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Stemrick!
- What do you want, Pee Wee?
Listen, You get a lot
of action, just like me.
Yeah, I get my share sure.
Listen, I promised to set Turner and some
of the guys up with some pussy ya know?
They haven't been getting much lately.
Except I don't wanna give
'em my choice stuff.
I mean these guys are
pretty inexperienced.
Yeah, you don't wanna do that.
Right, so anyway I was wondering if you
knew a broad that's a real pushover.
Somebody a real idiot could score with.
Hell, man. That's easy. Wendy Williams.
- Hey, Stemrick.
- Yeah?
Your sister sucks rhinoceros dicks.
I wonder what he meant by that?
Hold your splits, girls. Hold your splits.
All right, let's get ready
for the tongue exercise. Ready?
All right. up! Out! Right! Left! Down!
Up! Out! Right! Left!
Hey, you guys what the hell
did Pee Wee do to Stemrick?
He's pissed as shit and lookin'
for Pee Wee everywhere.
I think he asked Big John if he could
fix us up with his sister for a gang bang.
Could be. He's desperate enough. Boys, I
think we got his ass in a sling this time.
Yeah, well. Serves him right.
Hey, Billy?
- What kinda role you playin'?
- I'm playin' a couple of roles, actually.
I'm doin' different scenes
from different plays.
- What roles?
- Macbeth.
- I heard of that.
- Yeah.
What's the other role?
- Oberon.
- Oberon? Who's he?
He's sort of like a... forest ranger.
A forest ranger? In Shakespeare?
Yeah. He looks after the woods. You know.
Looks after the woods?
Yes. He sorta runs
around in the woods a lot.
- He sounds like a fairy to me.
- He's not just a fairy.
He's the king of the fairies.
Oh, you mean like a really big fairy.
You guys are really funny.
Hysterical.
Come on, guys. Let's get serious.
This is art here.
- I think it's really admirable, Billy.
- I bet you do.
So.
So you're playin' a big fairy?
Yeah.
Well, that's good casting.
Hey, Turner, suck my wand!
- Frank.
- What's up, Pee Wee?
Listen, how would you like to get back
at Turner for that Cherry Forever gag?
Oh boy, you know I would.
Why, whatcha got in mind?
I'll tell ya later.
First we gotta find a broad who
they'll believe is ready for a gang bang.
You know, a real push over.
You mean someone who's like a door knob?
Everybody takes a turn?
- It's easy. Wendy Williams.
- Never mind Wendy Williams. Somebody else.
- Somebody that they don't know.
- All right. Let me see.
There's this girl in the
band, Big Edna, is supposed
to be hot. I heard, mind you.
I wasn't there.
I heard she was about to take on 20 guys
on the way back home from the Daytona trip.
Some of the fruitcakes in the band
didn't know what to do.
- It figures. Big Edna.
- I mean big. Six foot.
Listen, Pee Wee.
Take this over to that lab monitor for me.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- Thanks.
Gee, that's very funny, Morris.
Pee Wee.
Pee Wee, it's not that bad.
Just tell those guys you
polled all the members of your
harem and they don't want to
make it with a bunch ofjerks.
- That's what you'd do, huh?
- I don't have a harem.
Oh, that's not what I hear.
What'd you hear?
I was asking who's the biggest pushover
in school. You know what everybody said?
- Wendy Williams?
- Right.
Geez Pee Wee, it can't be the first time
you've heard that stuff.
- Well that's different.
- Why?
Well before, I wanted it to be true.
And I guess now I don't.
Well, that's good. Because it's not true.
- It isn't?
- No.
You don't believe me?
You went on the bus with me, just
like that. No questions asked.
That's like the old
joke "I wouldn't belong"
to any club that would
have me as a member. "
Pee Wee, don't you know why I did that?
Yeah. The bet with Tommy.
I did it because I liked you
and because I wanted to.
You did?
uh huh.
- You do it every time you want to?
- Yup. Every time I want to.
It's just that I've only
wanted to three times.
Really?
Tommy - you knew that.
Some guy you don't know at summer camp.
And you.
Well, why are all these assholes
talking about you like that?
Because most guys are so
desperate, they'll lie
about anybody to make
themselves look like studs.
Didn't you ever brag about some girl
you never really made it with?
Well, I can't believe
they'd make all that up.
You know how I got my reputation?
In the eighth grade.
I didn't know anything. I mean...
These guys tried to get me
to go skinny-dipping.
I didn't want to, but I didn't care
if they did so I watched.
I thought it was funny, you know.
Flopping around.
Oh, God.
The next day in school, I was a slut.
I mean, the original mattress-back.
I got used to it.
What do they know about me?
I do what I want.
I don't care what anybody thinks.
Well... I mean, don't
you care what I think?
uh huh.
I care.
But I can't tell you what to think.
I can only tell you the truth.
Oh, boy.
Well? We gonna be buddies?
Well first, I'm gonna
have to get into shape.
Yeah, why?
Why? Cos I'm gonna kick the
shit out of these guys!
I don't want 'em talkin'
about my girl like that.
Come on, kids! Let's go.
- Shit.
- That's your cue.
By the way, we got somethin' cookin'
for your Cherry Forever revenge.
Who's "we" and how
did you know about that?
"We" is Brian and me. And
what do you mean, how
do I know? You don't think
I look after my guy.
- We even know where to get the girl.
- Don't worry. I got a lead.
Now what's the plan?
We're still workin' on it.
I'll tell you everything tonight.
Big Edna?
- Hi. I'm Pee Wee Morris.
- I know.
You do? Ah, well, that figures.
Listen Edna, I heard you
had a little problem
with the boys in the
band the other night.
Huh?
Edna, I have some guys that won't
let you down. You know what I mean?
No.
Come on, Edna. A big girl like you takes
a lot of men to keep you satisfied, right?
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, you know what I'm talkin' about!
- I don't.
- Edna, come here.
- I wonder what he's up to.
- Who knows.
- What do you think?
- No way.
Gang bang?
Dirty, rotten, filthy little creep!
- Are you OK?
- I take it that was a no.
- She's thinking it over.
- You're funny.
Look, don't worry about it.
We'll switch to plan B.
Plan B? I don't even
know what plan A was.
Here's what we'll do.
Yet I will try the last.
Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be he
that first cries "Hold, enough!"
No, not you.
Shakespeare. The... play.
- God I'm glad I don't have to eat these.
- Hey ah Wendy, you seen Billy around?
Don't bug him you guys,
he's studying his role.
Yeah he's studying his role,
you ignorant oafs.
Right, I got a
role he can study.
He's not ready for a
role that big, yet Meat.
Hey, Mickey!
Suckers.
Hey, McCarty.
Can we have your autograph?
Look, you guys, when I become a big star
and I'm rubbing elbows with Ava Gardner,
you're the first people
I intend to forget.
That's Hollywood.
"Gentle Puck, come hither. "
What the fuck's a puck?
It's a character. It's a friend of Oberon's.
He's like a... a little forest ranger.
- Puck? A little forest ranger?
- Yes.
- Well, who plays that part?
- Pee Wee.
Oh. So Pee Wee plays the
little fairy and you
play a big fairy. That's
a lot of fairies.
You guys get to run around
the woods together?
You guys must be really proud of your
ignorance cos you show it off so much.
- John Henry.
- Yes, I know.
Tell Mrs. Morris I'll take the part.
I will. I'm glad.
- Is he in the show?
- Well, he is now.
- He's a Seminole.
- Observant, Tim. Real observant.
No, no, no. I just meant that...
some people might not care for that.
- Well, it's all right with me.
- Me too.
- So we're gonna see the broad tonight?
- Tonight, right.
Do you really think
they're gonna go for it?
Long as you keep your cool.
Lookjust think of it
as an acting lesson.
Cool. Right.
Hey, the door.
Right.
Don't forget Tomorrow
night at 11 o'clock.
Right.
It's gonna work, right?
Graveyard Gloria, right?
Right.
- Cool, right?
- Right.
You could be the biggest
fairy of 'em all.
Eat my shorts.
Hey, you guys, how they hangin'?
Oh will you cut it out, for Christ's sake!
I come here with an offer
of a lifetime and you act like children.
It's embarrassing.
- We're sorry Pee Wee. What's your offer?
- Forget it. Billy, let's go.
You wanna sample the greatest ass in five
counties? Just nod if you're speechless.
What piece of ass is this?
Get this. By day, a
mild-mannered librarian.
She talks in a whisper. Looks
like a buttoned-up icebox.
But you get her within breathing
distance of a cemetery and you better
hold on to your dicks, because
she'll ride you into the ground!
I'm not kiddin'. They call her
"Graveyard Gloria, the fuck of death. "
I got it all lined up! You wanna act like
men for a change and take a shot at this?
I don't know. What do you say?
Do you wanna give her a shot?
I'd give her a shot, but it might
spoil it for the rest of you.
Well Hell why not? I mean if Pee Wee found
her she's gotta have some curiosity value.
I got it all worked out for you all right.
- How about you, McCarty?
- Oh, I just love graveyards.
- But can't we rehearse first?
- Sure, Billy.
See you, Rock.
- Graveyard Gloria, my ass.
- I wonder where he dug her up?
Hey that's funny. I mean it's not as funny
as your face, but it's funny.
The little booger's up
to something sure as shit.
Yeah we're gonna have
to keep start keeping an eye on him.
How we gonna do that?
He's in rehearsal all day.
Well, Anthony, you always
wanted to be an actor.
Me, an actor? No fuckin' way.
You gotta be kiddin'. It'll never happen.
Count on it.
Thanks for coming by, Anthony.
You know I just figured I'd... kinda like,
ask you a question.
I mean, is this guy, like... Is he, like...
No.
Well how come he has to wear,
you know, clothes like this?
Well, he's pretending to be a girl.
Just pretending? OK.
Will you read Thisbe's speech on page 120?
Yeah.
"O wall, full often
hast thou heard my moans. "
That's pretty good, huh?
Anthony, can you get
your voice a little higher?
Huh?
Well, he's pretending to be a girl.
"My cherry lips... "
A little higher, Anthony. Come on.
"And I like Helen, till the Fates me... "
This isn't gonna work.
I just got a naturally deep voice.
You know.
I just naturally got a man's voice.
Really neat disguise.
Yeah!
I think I'm going to regret this.
Shit.
Graveyard Gloria huh?
Why not? Sounds like fun.
- You got a deal.
- Gee that's great.
Rex, shut up!
Gosh, he's so possessive.
- OK, Friday night. Good night Gloria.
- See you later, boys.
- They're gonna shit. Definitely.
- Definitely.
Oh, definitely.
- What do you want?
- Is Gloria in?
- Who wants her?
- We wanna talk some business.
- She ain't interested.
- We brought along a few friends of ours.
Oh, well...
Any friend of yours is a friend of ours.
That is great. Great. Nice, nice.
Very good. Next!
Lovely! Oh, just wonderful.
Next!
All right, who's supposed to be next?
Let's move it.
Come on, folks. Let's get with it, please.
All right, who's supposed to be next?
- It's Pee Wee.
- Oh. I see.
Pee Wee!
- I'm not comin' out.
- Pee Wee, get out here right now.
All we need is a brief look at the costume.
No way.
Pee Wee, you get out
here right now or you're
sitting out the rest of
the baseball season.
- Aww Mom, I can't. Everybody'll laugh.
- Nobody will laugh.
- Yes, they will.
- No, they won't.
- Will anybody laugh?
- No.
Get the curtain.
It looks great, Pee Wee.
- Nice horn, buddy.
- Love your dress, Meat.
Nice tail.
Excellent, costumers.
Very good. Very creative.
- All right, let's get on with it.
- You're not gettin' on with anything.
- I beg your pardon?
- Rise, flock, and follow.
Excuse me. This is a closed rehearsal.
We don't open for...
This show is never gonna open.
Miss Balbricker.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Oh, it's no pleasure,
I assure you, Morris.
I'm here to lend support
to Reverend Flavel.
And I'm the spiritual leader of the
Righteous Flock, Reverend Bubba Flavel.
Bubble Flavour?
Bubba Flavel, Mrs. Morris.
Reverend Bubba Flavel.
- It is Mrs. Morris, is it not?
- The last time I looked.
Would you put cow puckeys in
these children's mouths, Mrs. Morris?
What?
Or dog oogies?
Or Pelican snot?
Excuse me, I am going to be ill.
This is Shakespeare. It is not filth.
Oh, yes. I know, that's the official position
of the academic community. However...
Exactly what are you trying
to tell us, Reverend Flavel?
We're closing you down, Morris.
Closing you down.
- On whose authority?
- God's.
- The Righteous Flock's.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
So sayeth the flock.
If that's not good enough, we'll take
it to the the principal's office.
Then let's do that, Miss Balbricker.
Let's just do that. Right now.
Mr. Carter, there's a mob here to see you.
- Do they have an appointment, Betty?
- God always has an appointment!
Come on, Mr. Carter.
Well, Reverend. What is the problem now?
What is the problem?
The problem is fornication.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
Sister Balbricker. Open your book.
You play the woman's part.
Shakespeare is trash!
I'll give proof. Listen to this!
"If I be waspish, best beware of my sting!"
"Who knows not
where a wasp does wear his sting?"
Get this: "In his tail. "
- "In his tongue. "
- "Whose tongue?"
"Yours, if you talk of
tails: And so, farewell. "
"What? With my tongue in your tail?"
Now, there's no mistaking
his intention. No, sir.
He intends to put his tongue
in a woman's tail.
What kind of man would
do a thing like that?
Reverend, here is the Bible.
Now... Now, listen.
Just a moment. Listen.
"And my beloved put in his hand
by the hole of the door
and my bowels were moved for him. "
Song of Solomon. Chapter 5.
The devil can cite
scripture for his purpose.
He can cite Shakespeare
too, Reverend Flavel.
I have read Solomon and Job and Isaiah
and Jeremiah and Malachi
and Matthew and Mark and Luke and John.
- And nowhere...
- He forgot Sneezy and Doc.
Nowhere do I find the likes of this.
Midsummer Night's Dream. Act V. Scene I.
"The iron tongue of midnight
hath told twelve;
Lovers, to bed; 'tis almost fairy time. "
Good God! It's enough
to make a real man sick.
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And Abraham was 90 years old and nine
"when he was circumcised in the flesh
of his foreskin. " Genesis 17.
A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act IV, scene I.
"I could munch your good dry oats. "
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And thy navel is like a rounded
goblet which wanteth not liquor. "
Solomon 7, verse 2.
And King Lear. Act IV. Scene VI.
"Let copulation thrive!"
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
"And when the Lord saw Leah was hated,
he opened up her womb. "
Genesis 24:31.
Vile! Blasphemous!
Intolerable! Shakespeare must go!
- So sayeth the shepherd.
- So sayeth the flock.
God damn you, you...
What sayeth you, Mr. Carter?
Get the flock outta here!
All right, Mr.. Carter!
This means war.
Holy war!
Flock, follow!
Thank you.
- Will you hurry up?
- Brian, who do I look like?
One last time: Boris Karloff as the Mummy.
- Dead right. Dead ringer, huh?
- One more dead joke, you're dead.
Excuse me, girls.
Y'all know a good dermatologist?
All right let's go
over it one more time.
We pick 'em up. You introduce me.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Miss Gloria Tight ass,
little Miss Prim and Proper. "
"Good evening, boys.
It's swell to meet you. "
I figure she whispers a lot,
being from a library and all.
Right. Good, but talk about books or
something. You know, keep 'em off guard.
Oh, yeah. Books.
All right then we take the detour.
You ask me why.
The minute you hear
the word "graveyard"...
I get hot.
But I mean really hot. Be convincing, because
these guy's will be lookin' for a trap.
I mean you even gotta convince me.
And I've been around.
Lover, I will be convincing.
Oh, I want these guys so horny,
they'll do anything for it. Anything.
I don't believe you, what
is the matter with you?
It's the booze, man.
It's deadly.
Wait a minute. I almost forgot my bottle.
That would be a grave error.
So, Gloria,
have you read any good books lately?
I read My Gun is Quick.
Do you know that one?
Know it? He lives it.
- Really? Are you a private eye?
- No, he's a private dick.
- But not by choice.
- Turner, how about gobblin' myjoint?
No, I never read
that one, Meat.
Me neither. I don't think we
have it in the library yet.
So Gloria, how come we've never
seen you at the library?
- She works odd hours.
- Midnight till three.
Ooh that reminds me. I
promised Mother I'd stop by
the cemetery to put flowers
on Granddad's grave.
The graveyard?
Ooh, Pee Wee!
Oh Pee Wee! Oh!
The worms crawl in.
The worms crawl out.
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
Hey, don't forget your flowers.
- OK, where are the rednecks?
- Those boys are over there.
Where's Steve?
I think we oughta nail him
in his coffin and leave him overnight.
Hey, listen. Listen to me.
I'm gonna go back to her and...
- She's hot, man. She is really hot.
- That's what you said, Pee Wee.
- Yeah but she's really hot Timmy!
- Pee Wee, I'm getting hot.
I want all you guys - but especially you.
Go get her, Pee Wee.
I'm getting hot and I really mean it.
Let's you and I go do it
before the others get there huh?
Oh, shit!
- Bye, Pee Wee.
- Like shootin' fish in a barrel.
Don't die till he gets
all his clothes off.
Right.
- He's going to shit.
- So am I.
Steve!
Shut up, man.
Listen, come on! The signal's been delayed.
Somethin' important came up.
- Be realistic when you die.
- Don't worry, sugar.
- Go easy, Bill.
- Right.
OK. I'm ready.
Well...
I'm dying for it. But wait.
I want you to come... slowly.
Step by step... by step.
I wanna feel your arms around me.
Your lips on mine. Your hands on my body.
Oh, yes.
Touching, searching, feeling.
Oh, Pee Wee!
My God.
What's the matter? Don't you like me?
What?
What?
What?
I thought she was supposed
to be doing this realistic.
Holy shit!
Help, Tommy!
Help, Tommy, come here! Hurry!
We've got to act serious.
Tommy!
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Check her pulse.
- What pulse?
- What do you mean, what pulse?
- Is there a heartbeat?
I don't think so.
Of course there is a heartbeat!
Otherwise she'd be...
Dead.
Ha! Pee Wee.
Don't look, Pee Wee. Just don't look!
She can't be dead. Let me look.
- Dead as a fuckin' doornail.
- Oh, shit!
You got her too excited, Pee Wee.
- I think we should call the police.
- Police?! My mom's gonna kill me.
- Oh we can't do that.
- Why not?
- Pee We'll go to jail.
- Jail?
What do you mean?
Look man, this is coitus interruptus.
In extremis.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
- But I didn't do anything, Tommy!
The law doesn't look at
it that way Pee Wee.
If a woman dies while you're boffing her,
you're considered an accomplice.
- Oh, shit, Pee Wee.
- Oh, my God.
Look, Pee Wee. It really wasn't your fault.
She probably had a bad heart.
Yeah, it could have
happened to any of us.
Yeah, especially you, Meat.
- So. What are we gonna do?
- William, there's only one thing to do.
What's that, Thomas?
Bury her.
Yeah. We've gotta protect Pee Wee.
Hold up, they might miss
her down at the library.
Well I just suppose that's a chance
we're gonna have to take.
- Absolutely right.
- Meat, you wanna grab that body?
- Watch your hands buster.
- What do you care? You're dead.
- She's gettin' stiff already.
- So are you, Meat.
- What is this?
- Nothin'.
- What do you mean "Nothin" '?
- Who's in there? Where? There!
- Nobody.
- "Nobody"?
It's Steve.
Steve?
- It was a joke. It was just a joke.
- Ajoke?
Good God, Pee Wee, there's
a woman lying dead
over there. And you're
telling us it was a joke?
I didn't know!
We've put up with your pranks
for many years now.
But we never dreamed that you'd
have such little regard for human life.
We're disappointed.
Bitterly disappointed.
Well, God help you, Pee Wee.
- You're gonna have to live with this!
- Yeah. Amen.
But...
Oh, shit, Steve.
Hey!
Goddammit, I'm talkin' to you!
What the fuck do you think you're doin'?
- It's the goddamn grave robbers again.
- I'm gonna blow their fuckin' heads off.
Come on, you guys. What's goin' on?
Holy shit!
Bye-bye, Pee Wee. See you later!
What are you guys doin'?
Shit!
- Bye, Pee Wee!
- See you around!
- Crazy little fuckers.
- Well, it's an easy ten bucks.
That's right. Hand it over.
- Just kids.
- Yeah.
Remember the last time
we were on this road?
Yeah. Couldn't forget that.
I really wanna hear this story.
Look out!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie. boogie!
Boogie, Boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
Boogie!
All right. That's it.
OK, OK. All right.
All right, take it up.
This is gonna scare the shit out of 'em.
They gonna mess their trousers!
- Why are we doin' this for?
- I don't know, Billy.
- Brian, get the house lights, please.
- Sure.
Just pretend Reverend Flavel and
the county commissioners aren't out there.
We'll do the scenes as
we've rehearsed them.
Now, don't worry about it. It's going to...
- What is it?
- These clowns.
What's this supposed to mean?
Well...
They don't like John Henry
playing Romeo to Wendy's Juliet.
I'll withdraw if
you think it's best.
Oh, no. We're not
givin' in to this stuff.
Now hold on a second.
John Henry, certainly we're not going
to be intimidated by this stupidity.
But, ultimately, the decision
isn't ours. It's yours.
Mrs. Morris!
Oh, Mrs. Morris. I'd like you to meet
His Honor Mayor John G. Abernathy.
- How do you do?
- How are you? Great school. Great.
- Great school. My mother was a teacher.
- Really?
Have you met the other commissioners?
Commissioner Couch. Commissioner Hurley.
- Bob Gebhardt.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Well, gentlemen, I hope you enjoy it.
- Not likely.
I always admired the Bard myself.
I know several thousand voters
who don't share your view, Commissioner.
That sounds like a
threat, Reverend Flavel.
The Lord doesn't have
to threaten Mr. Flavel.
You remember that, Reverend Commissioner.
- Well, shall we start?
- Of course, sir.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.
What man art thou, that,
thus be screened in night,
So stumblest on my counsel?
By a name I know not
how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee.
My ears have not yet drunk...
- That kid's a Seminole.
- Yeah, probably.
Are thou not Romeo, and a Montague?
Gentle Romeo, ifthou dost
love, pronounce it faithfully.
Or ifthou think'st i be too quickly won,
i'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay.
- Lady, by yonder biessed moon...
- O swear not by the moon...
That young man is not
of the American persuasion.
My bounty is as boundiess as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more i have...
Yet I should kiil thee
with much cherishing.
Good night, good night!
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good
night till it be morrow.
- Well?
- Didn't we tell you?
I want the school board to cut off funds
for this extravaganza immediately.
Well Reverend, we're not
the school board. The
school board is an
independently elected body.
We'll discuss it however.
I'll get back to you.
This is ridiculous!
Hell's a lot hotter than Angel Beach,
Mr. Carter. You'll get quite a tan.
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Who's that guy?
It's Commissioner Gebhardt.
He's a friend of Dad's.
So what do you think?
He's great guy. We got
nothin' to worry about.
Let's hope so.
- You know who's behind this don't you?
- Yeah. Balbricker.
Right. Now she gets hers.
Thomas! Hold it, Thomas!
- Billy.
- What's this?
Blueprints.
I know they're blueprints.
What are they of?
- Take a look.
- OK. There's the school.
OK. So this is the gym. So what?
- So we take this snake...
- Jesus Christ! What the hell you doin'?!
Get it outta my face!
You don't like snakes?
I hate snakes! You know
I hate snakes. Jesus!
What are you gonna do?
Kill her?
It's just a rat snake.
It's not poisonous.
That old biack magic has me in its speli.
That old biack magic
that you weave so well.
- Are you sure this is the one, Billy?
- It's that one right there.
- You're sure?
- Yeah.
Here we go.
A flame.
With such a burning desire.
That only your kiss, kiss, kiss.
Can put out the fire.
- OK, Billy, gimme the snake.
- Give you the snake?
Get your own fuckin' snake.
- I've got your snake right here.
- Here.
Oh, you're the lover I have waited for.
The mate that fate had me created for.
And every time your lips meet mine.
Get it outta here!
- Put him in the goddamn hole!
- I want you to meet a friend of mine.
OK, come on.
In a spin.
Lovin' that spin I'm in.
under that old black magic called...
Love.
One more turn and we'll go.
What in the world...?
No, it can't be. I fired them.
Excuse me.
It's OK. Nothing to worry about.
Just a little rat snake.
No danger.
No problem, Coach. I'll let him go outside.
Quick thinking, Turner. Good job, son.
Turner!
Turner!
Beautiful.
- Hang on to that.
- Jesus!
Goddammit!
Turner, I'm gonna kill you! Goddammit.
Turner!
That's it. You're not
gonna surrender to him.
No Seminole ever surrendered!
Go on! That's it!
Go, go!
Oh, wait a minute. Wait!
That's good acting when you wanna
kill each other, but don't, huh?
I think Hamlet's supposed to win this one.
- Sorry, I just got carried away.
- That's OK.
Oh, Mrs. Morris.
Oh Mrs. Morris.
I must have a couple ofwords
with the students please.
- We're in the middle of a rehearsal.
- It's very important.
All right Mr. Carter.
All right, folks.
Let's get up here, please. Quickly.
Let's move it.
Folks, may we have your attention please.
Mr. Carter has a few words. Come on, now.
Thank you. I don't like to have to say this,
but I don't want you to be too distressed
because I'm quite sure
it can be resolved perfectlyjustly.
As you know, certain uninformed
factions have attempted
to halt our production
of the scenes from Shakespeare.
They influenced the county commission
to address the school board,
and indeed they have
been granted a hearing.
Therefore the superintendent of schools
has ordered me
to temporarily suspend
this production, pending that hearing.
I understand how you feel.
Now, please listen.
That is what I am doing officially.
However, there's absolutely nothing
to prevent you on your own
continuing to practice as a class project.
Of course I assure you, we're going
to everything we possibly can
to put this "Evening with
Shakespeare" on the stage.
Thank you, and what's the phrase?
Break a leg!
- What a mess.
- Those bastards.
Man, this is ridiculous.
The county commissioners are gonna shutdown
Shakespeare because they think it's dirty?
Those creeps watch skin flicks every
Saturday in the basement of the courthouse.
You're kidding!
No I'm not kidding.
Commissioner Mason was caught
exposing himself two years ago to his
Bible school class and they hushed it up.
- Oh, God. How did you know that?
- Everybody knows that. That's right.
- Well, don't worry about it.
- What do you mean?
We got a friend in court, remember?
- Yeah, Commissioner...
- Geb-fart.
God, I love this. I just love it.
I can't tell you how great it makes me feel
to see you great American kids
standing up and fighting for
what you think is right.
And believe me there's no question about
what's right here. I think this is ridiculous.
- But how can he do this?
- Well, he hasn't done anything yet.
All he's done is petitioned
the school board for a hearing.
But they stopped the play.
Well now son they haven't
stopped anything yet have they?
- You're still rehearsing.
- Yeah...
Right.
See you don't understand
the politics behind this.
This is the way it's gonna work.
I've got it all mapped out.
As you know, we've got an election
coming up in a couple of weeks.
Flavel's got a few votes under his thumb,
It's not many, but it's enough to scare
a couple of my fellow commissioners.
So, what's the easy thing to do?
We make Flavel happy. So...
So the commission makes Flavel happy
by taking the issue to the school board.
Right. Now the school board's
not up for reelection,
so they turn the petition
down and you'll be happy.
And the commission is
off the hook because... we tried.
So how'd you get
the commissioners to go along?
Old-fashioned horse trading.
Couple of my fellow
commissioners have a rezoning
project on the line, and
I'm the swing vote.
I really don't give a damn if they get their
rezoning - but I can't let them know that.
So I play hardball.
Now if they want my swing vote,
they have to help me with your problem.
It's like the hip bone
connected to the thigh
bone, thigh bone to the
ankle bone and so on...
- It sounds like dirty pool to me.
- Well...
Well, now, little fella. Our great
American system is built on compromise.
Everybody wants something. The trick is
to see that everybody gets a little piece.
- You know what I mean?
- You bet he does.
Now, you've got my word on this.
I'm not gonna let a pack of self-righteous
bullies deprive you of your play.
Matter of fact, if I'm not mistaken your
principal is being notified right now
that the school board has okayed
the evening of Shakespeare.
That's wonderful. Thank you very much.
Well, you can't do somethin' for the
little guy, you don't belong in office.
Oh, Commissioner.
Your meeting in five minutes.
Now you kids go put on a hell of a play.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Maybe I'll get invited
to the opening night?
Front row, center.
- Great guy.
- Yeah, he's swell!
What's that?
Reverend Flavel's petition
to stop the Shakespeare festival.
- Five thousand signatures.
- Five thousand?
Yeah, five thousand and
every one of them prepared
to vote against you if
things don't go their way.
Set up a meeting with Flavel.
Right.
I thought so.
The Klan!
- Guys, what's goin' on? What happened?
- There's no need for you now.
- Wait a minute. We're his friends.
- I'm his brother.
If you'd been have been here on
time this wouldn't have happened.
Look we couldn't help it.
My truck wouldn't start.
John's always waited for us to get here before
he came out to the road. We didn't know.
Leave him alone. It was John's mistake.
- How badly is he hurt?
- Just his pride.
They tried to shave his head.
A white man's little joke.
But their day is coming.
Whoa, buddy.
Are you all right? You're sure, John?
- I wanna go.
- Let him go.
All right, go.
- That oughta stir 'em up.
- Yeah, they oughta turn tail now.
Look at them dirty redskins
attacking that poor, defenseless cross.
I will not yield,
To kiss the ground
beneath young Malcolm's feet.
Though Birnam wood
be come to Dunsinane,
And thou opposed,
being of no woman born,
Yet I will try the last.
Lay on, Macduff.
And damned be he
that first cries "Hold, enough!"
- My sword broke.
- His sword broke!
- A sword!
- A sword!
His kingdom for a sword!
Get him a sword!
A sword!
A sword! A sword!
- I don't have a sword.
- What do you mean you don't have a sword?
- Just kill him.
- With what?
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
A sword!
Billy, I got a sword.
Stab him.
Just kill me, John.
Aw, shit!
Stab!
Will you stab me? Just stick it in, John!
Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
As this heavy ploughman snores,
All the weary task for done.
Now the wasted brands do glow,
Whilst the screech owl, screeching loud,
Does put the wretch that lies in woe
To the remembrance of a shroud.
Flock! Follow.
Not a mouse
Shall disturb this hallowed house:
For I am sent with broom before,
To sweep the dust behind the door.
Ifwe have unearned luck
So to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Or else Puck...
- It's the cops!
- Whoa, what's this? What's goin' on here?
I am the principal and I
will take care of this.
Ladies and gentlemen, one moment, please.
These learned people, the Righteous Flock,
in their infinite wisdom,
have decreed that the works of William
Shakespeare, the pearl of English literature,
are unfit to be performed by our students
and too indecent to be viewed by you.
However, my good friends, I assure you:
we have not yet begun to fight.
Thank you.
Good night,
and we'll see you all again... very soon.
- Who do you think you're talkin' to?
- A hypocrite.
You care nothing about
matters of the spirit.
You just wanna control
other people's lives, you fascist!
We have dealt with the filth.
I can see we will
now have to deal with
the purveyors offilth.
- Hey, deal with this.
- You whelp of Satan!
No one speaks to me that way.
You better get a grip on yourself, boy.
Bye, Reverend.
Anthony, that wasn't entirely helpful.
Now, as I say, we have a warrant here
charging the Angel Beach High drama club
with public presentation
of obscene material.
Of course, we have no need to press
this warrant. That was never our intent.
These innocent children aren't to blame.
- Do you believe this guy?
- He's a deeply religious man!
Yeah, and rich.
We were the voice cryin' in the wilderness.
And we were heard by the mayor
and the God-fearin' members of the county
commission, who voted unanimously
to bring this corruption to a halt.
Does your warrant
apply to all plays by the drama club?
My warrant applies
to all plays by any drama club...
That lousy son of a bitch.
Gebhardt's leg bone got connected
to Flavel's foot bone.
And they both got shoved up our asses.
I knew it.
Fellow Americans! Fellow Americans...
The Righteous Flock denounces you.
You have no part in this.
The God-fearin' members
of the Klan support this action.
The mixin' of nigger
and Injun blood must stop.
- God, I think I'm gonna puke.
- Me too.
Go on, get out of here!
- The Righteous Flock denounces this...
- Sister, please!
Friends, I'd like to tell
you that tomorrow night
there will be a giant
rally right here at Angel Beach
to announce future steps
we will take to preserve moral decency.
Amen! Amen, brother!
The Loyal Order of the Klan will be there!
Here comes the son of a bitch.
Be nice to him. Pretend you
understand why he did it.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Just do it! I'll explain later.
This is exhausting!
All tuckered out from
playin' hardball Commissioner?
I was afraid you were
gonna misunderstand.
Look, look, I had to
make a tactical retreat.
If I'd hung in there, gotten steamrollered.
you'd have no friend in court.
Friend in court? Gee,
that has a familiar ring.
I said "retreat," not "surrender. "
You heard this guy. He's a fanatic. Give
him two weeks, he's gonna bury himself.
- Right after the election, hm?
- Yeah.
Apparently you're not prepared to believe me,
but I was working in your best interests.
Look, votes don't mean a thing to me
if I can't maintain my own integrity.
Look, Commissioner we understand.
It's not the end of the world.
Everybody's just a little
disappointed, right?
I know. I understand.
Wendy, let me talk to you. I want to explain
what it is I'm trying to accomplish,
- then you can relay it to the fellas. OK?
- OK.
I know what he's trying to accomplish.
Mrs. Balbricker, be silent!
I have spoken on this matter.
What is at stake justifies
anything we have to do.
Well, then, I won't be there.
It's indecent.
Remember, he who is not
with me is against me.
Bubba!
Tell us, Reverend.
Friends, it's OK. It's all right.
Don't forget tomorrow night.
- This is more fun than puttin' on a play.
- Bite your tongue.
OK, guys. What are we gonna do?
Well, I think for once we should
be thoughtful, mature and adult.
No, no. Tommy's right.
We got a problem. It's time we grew up
and we solved it in an adult manner.
Right. Let's go right to the top.
What would Eisenhower do
if the Russians did to the
country what the Righteous
Flock has done to us?
- Cut the fuckers' nuts off.
- Right.
- Any more questions?
- Not a one.
- Let's get backstage for battle plans.
- Yeah.
- And him too!
- I don't like him.
- What did he have to say?
- Nothing much.
- He's takin' me to dinner.
- Dinner?
He's takin' me to a nice,
discreet restaurant down in Miami.
- What are you up to?
- Revenge. What are you up to?
- Sounds good to me.
- Yeah, but this time no explosives.
- Wait I don't get it.
- Nobody tells me nothin'.
Commissioner. Commissioner,
you're takin' that kid to dinner?
Just gonna put another notch
in my six-shooter.
For God's sake, we have
an election in just over a week.
Don't worry about it.
I'm takin' her all the way to Miami.
But, Commissioner, she
is only 17 years old.
Oh, yeah? Then I'll only put
half a notch in my gun.
I hope this is better
than the last one.
At least we can see this one.
We couldn't see the other one.
Wow! Look at that fancy costume!
That guy's wearing argyle socks.
Must be a high-budgetjob.
This director must be
the Cecil B De Mille of pussy film.
Man, that woman is ugly.
Hose her down, boy! Hose her down.
Look at them tits.
Holy shit!
Look at the dick on that son of a bitch!
Mayor, that guy's dork
is bigger than yours.
Hey, mayor! If you had a cape like that, you
could give your secretary a flyin' fuck.
Look at that snatch!
Did Reverend Flavel approve of this one?
Approve of it?
Are you shittin' me? He gave me this one!
That stuff looks like diarrhea.
Only worse.
And now for the grand experiment.
Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
As you know, I am the barf inspector.
I gotta make sure
it has exactly the right plop.
Barf inspector comin' through!
Excuse me. Careful.
- This couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
- X marks the spot. Let her rip!
- Right in the eye. OK, more corn.
- Corn. Corn.
Please, Madame.
At La Fontana Di Voglio, everyone waits.
Please, to the back of the line.
Merci, thank you very much.
- Ah, Monsieur Gebhardt.
- Alex.
How good to see you, Monsieur.
We are expecting a guest
this evening, I presume?
You presume correctly.
And at what time is your sister arriving?
Or is it your cousin this time?
- Actually, this one's more like my niece.
- But of course, Monsieur. Of course.
- Is everything all set?
- All set.
- This is gonna be good.
- Go get 'em, Billy.
- Is my hood on straight?
- Can you see?
- Yeah.
- Then your hood's on straight, stupid!
Everybody's a fuckin' comedian.
- They oughta be here soon.
- I'm goin' down the road.
You be careful!
Where the hell are they? They sh...
OK, guys, be careful.
Where's Mickey?
Where the hell is he?
- Hey, you Klan pricks!
- OK, guys. Let's go.
Yeah, you boy. Why don't you boys go on home
and choke your chicken and beat your kids?
That's your speed.
Excuse me. Have you met my friend Meat?
Go screw your wives! You'll have to wake 'em
up and tell 'em what you're doin', though.
Forget him. Let's get to the meetin'.
Hey, where you goin'? The rally's this way.
Shortcut.
What the hell is goin' on here?
Evenin', boys.
- Howdy.
- Welcome, fellas.
We thought you might like
to meet a friend of ours.
Say what?
Yeah, I remember him.
You did a mighty fine job on him, Eustace!
The stingy little fucker
wouldn't leave no tip.
Well, now, in lieu of a tip,
why don't we just return the favor?
Louisville tit? What did he say?
- What did you say, boy?
- Why don't we give you a trim?
Oh, you snot noses are
gonna give us a trim?
- us and a few of our friends.
- A few of these friends here.
Well, you better bring the army, boy.
Bring the whole fuckin' uS cavalry.
Actually, we had something
slightly different in mind.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
Aw, shit! They're all fuckin' Indians.
Aw, shit. Oh, that's a lot of Injuns.
They ain't happy. These Injuns ain't happy.
Well, now. Don't be shy.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Now in consideration of your
status in the community,
we've imported a very special
gentleman to give you your clip.
- Allow me.
- I'd like you to meet Brian Schwartz.
He's Jewish. He's our Mohel for the day.
What, you may ask, is a Mohel?
Good question. A Mohel is a Jewish barber.
- But not exactly.
- Ask him what a Mohel is exactly.
- Come on!
- Go on, ask him.
- What in hell's a Mohel?
- I thought you would never ask.
Do you remember when you had your bris?
Probably a barbecue and
a bris in your case.
- Go on, ask him what a bris is.
- What in the fuck is a bris?
Good question.
Well, a bris is a circumcision,
and a Mohel is a man
who performs a bris or circumcision.
And this instrument is a Zemel.
And a Zemel is used
by a Mohel to perform the bris.
- Would you hold that?
- Absolutely.
Now, this Zemel has been used to chop
off literally hundreds of foreskins.
- Hundreds.
- Amen.
What better to shave the heads
of a bunch of pricks like you?
- The fuck you will!
- That's it.
Sit down, Ansell. Sit down.
Line up, boys.
Say, now. This is gettin'
out of hand here, boys.
Let's talk this over, OK?
I tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna let you off this time, OK?
You're gonna get out of here and we don't
wanna see you around here no more.
- That a deal?
- Yeah, now that's fair, ain't it?
You gotta admit, that is fair.
Nah.
Line up, boys.
We'll most certainly have
to retire this Zemel after this job.
- Madame, we'll wait.
- That will be grand.
You sly devil. I just can't stand it.
Look Jack, i'il have you know
I'm the guest of Big Bobby Gebhardt.
County Commissioner of Seward
County and a very big deal.
- You better take me
to his tabie pronto.
- Piease Madame, please.
What is the problem
I happen to be the guest
of Big Bob Gebhardt,
County Commissioner
of Seward County, and a very big deal.
You better take me to his table pronto.
- Are you sure it's Commissioner Gebhardt?
- Move it, dildo breath!
Giddyup! Whoa, what an ass!
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
Little Bobby Gebhardt, where are you?
It's your little snatchy-poo!
What are you waitin' around for?
Roll 'em outi Git aiong, little doggies.
We're here, jackass!
Bobby. Baby.
Oh, my God.
What are you doin'? Are you crazy?
I'm crazy for you, you big horse.
I want a drink. Gar-con!
Gar-con! What's the matter stupid?
Don't you speak French?
Yeah. Oui, oui.
Well, get me a drink.
It's my birthday today.
I'm 17 today.
Golly, 17!
Don't say 17.
Sweet 17 and never been kissed.
That kid is 23. 20.
Where does the time go?
Why, do you realize
I was only 14 when we first met?
I don't know her. isn't this crazy?
It was so romantic. I was a Brownie
in his wife's Girl Scout troop.
- You swine!
- Gimme a Shirley Temple.
It's my niece. She does it all the time.
You should have seen her
last year at the Elks Club.
Hey, what are you doin' with my boa?
Are you some kind of sickie? Pervert!
Very cute. Well, I'm leaving.
Get out of that chair and I'll yell "rape. "
- You'll what?
- I'll yell "rape. "
You're bluffing.
Rape!
Rape!
Oh, Bobby, don't leave me.
I can't have our baby alone.
My daughter's so funny. She's just wild.
How's that grab you?
Now sit there and take your medicine.
She never stops. She's so quick.
Yes, yes, that's it. That's right, brother.
Let's ail stand up for Jesus.
Tiil every foe is vanquished.
And Christ is Lord indeed.
Stand up, stand up for Jesus.
Ye soldiers of the cross.
Lift high his royal banner.
It must not suffer loss.
From victory unto victory.
His army shall he iead.
Tiil every foe is vanquished.
And Christ is Lord indeed.
Thank you, brothers,
for that inspirational hymn about Jesus.
And now, friends, as I was say...
As I was sayin'...
Good Lord.
- Is this part of the show?
- I don't know.
What a bunch of assholes.
Yeah, I'll say so.
Do you recognize any of them?
Hold it! Hold, I say.
Stand, I say.
Behold, the spawn of Satan.
The bowels of perdition.
- Hear my words. I speak salvation.
- Right, get ready.
- I speak redemption.
- Now!
Verily I say this to thee.
Holy shiti
Look at the dick on that son of a bitch.
Mayor, that guy's dork
is bigger than yours.
Hey, mayori if you get
yourself one of those capes
you could give your
secretary a flyin' fuck.
- Look at the size of that snatchi
- Oh, Mother.
- Did Reverend Fiavei approve of this one?
- You scumi
Approve?
Heil, Reverend Flavel gave me this one.
I can explain it to you. Let me tell you.
It's all right. I swear it's gonna be OK.
It's the goddamn communist...
Those sons of bitches...
You son of a bitch! You get out of here.
I told you to get out!
I tell ya, it's gonna be OK.
Aw, shit!
God, I needed that.
Oh, don't worry.
Commissioner Gebhardt'll pay for it.
He's county commissioner
of Seward County, for piss sakes.
You don't think he's gonna stick ya
for a 50-cent drink, for piss sakes?
Hey, waiter!
Hey waiter!
Hey waiter!
Put shitface's drink here
on Commissioner Gebhardt's bill.
For piss sakes, he's up
for reelection in two weeks.
Do you think he needs this shit?
- She's crazy.
- Your ass sucks canal water, buddy.
Oh, there's my Shirley Temple.
Hey, where's my cherry?
Who got my cherry?
Bobby.
Bobby, I lost my cherry.
Bobby,
did you get my cherry again?
You saucy little devil.
You can't get a girl's cherry twice.
You sly goose.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Bobby.
Bobby, I think I'm gonna be... sick.
Don't be sick.
Bobby, I am. I'm gonna be...
Not the pool. No, not the pool.
Back to Howard Johnson's.
Boy, it sure tastes better goin' down.
Well, I feel better now.
Bye.
Oh, my bag. Don't wanna forget my bag.
Well, farewell!
Ben, what's goin' on?
I will sue you!
You will not have a pot to piss in!
Look!
My tit! You broke my tit!
I'm gonna sue you! Where are my lawyers?
- Come on, boys. Pictures! I want pictures!
- Say "I'm ruined. "
- Oh, shit.
- Another one. More pictures. This is nice.
Good luck in the election.
I'll see you at the polls.
This is the most disgusting display
I have ever seen.
What a dump! We're leaving.
We're off to see the Wizard.
The wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Because, because, because.
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're offto see the Wizard...
- Good luck in the election, Commissioner.
- Let me discuss the issues with you.
- Commissioner Couch. Republican.
- Yeah.
Good luck in the elections.
Wait! Wait, don't go. Stop!
Don't go. Wait!
Stop!
April Fool!
What the hell are you hittin' me for? Lady,
I'm warnin' you. Don't hit me no more...
Well, I warned you.
Don'tjust lie there all spread-eagled
like that. It looks obscene.
You are a disgrace to the profession.
You are... je Ne sais quoi...
relieved of duty.
I am the new mat re de
La Fontana Di Voglio.