Pornopung (2013) Movie Script
1
Hello?
Are you Karl?
I'm Christian.
The guy from Stavanger.
Moving to Oslo.
- Why are you moving to Oslo?
- To finish my sociology studies.
Sure, but why are you moving?
I guess I'm just tired
of living at home.
Are you single?
Am I...?
Yes, I am.
Are you gay?
No, I'm not.
You hesitated.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
Move a little closer.
Let me look at your face.
Cool.
Hello?
- Did you have a nice talk?
- Yes. Stop nagging!
Where in Oslo are you staying?
- I'm not sure.
- Not all parts are safe.
What do you mean?
- Do you have a rape alarm?
- Shut up!
- Why are you going to Oslo?
- To study. How about you?
I'm not going to Oslo. Are you crazy?
My little brother is.
You should get better acquainted.
It's a long train ride.
Just be yourself
and everything will be fine.
I love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you that guy's little brother?
- That's me.
Do you think I could get
your brother's phone number?
Yes. Of course.
Sure you can.
- Thank you.
- That is not a problem.
I got it!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Is this where Karl lives?
- Who's asking?
Christian.
I think I'm moving in here.
Hi there.
Leo.
You're just in time.
- Is that for me?
- Sorry, no. It's for Karl.
- Is it his birthday?
- Write "100" on that.
- Red towel means "help."
- Is he with someone?
Open it.
We can't open the door!
What if they're...?
Congratulations!
Leo, you didn't have to bake a cake!
Hey, boss.
Say hi to...
You, say hi to Christian.
Christian.
Nice to meet you.
- The hats!
- Right.
Cool!
Don't forget to blow.
Is it your birthday, or what?
- Karl, aren't you late for work?
- Shit!
I'm a huge fan.
I love you.
See you later.
Have you seriously had sex
with 100 women?
- Did you catch her name?
- Cake lady.
Looks: 7.
Sex: 5.
She was a club, I think.
Give me a seven of clubs.
I think you've used them up.
Hang on.
100 women?
How many kids do you have?
On a scale of 1 to 10:
How hairy are your balls?
- Huh?
- How many women have you fucked?
- Does that matter?
- We'll still love you.
Five...
Six...
...thousand.
Your doorbell doesn't work.
When I pushed the buzzer and tried...
Cool story, bro.
We were talking about fucking.
OK, so fucking
is all you talk about here?
Freud said that's all people talk
about. We're just honest about it.
What about you, Leo?
Does that apply to you too?
You've been duped your entire life.
Girls don't want boys like you.
But you're our roommate,
so we'll help you.
The women won the battle of the sexes.
They call all the shots.
Sorry,
but we have to shave your balls now.
Christian!
Christian...
He seems nice.
Son of a bitch!
CRACK, BACK & SACK
You will be presented
with certain methods -
- and what those methods are based on.
And you will also learn
about scientific writing.
How do we write scientific papers?
In other words,
your final thesis should focus on...
OK?
Is that clear to everyone?
There are mandatory activities...
- Please...
- Problem?
- It doesn't work!
- Is this your bachelor thesis?
No, but I have four minutes
to get this in, or I'll fail.
Thank you!
You're my hero!
All I need is a white steed.
- Were you here last year?
- No.
This is my first semester in Oslo.
- I live with...
- Sorry, I have to go.
But we're going out for beers
at The Owlery later.
- Christian.
- Hi. Mylian.
- Miriam?
- No. Mylian.
- Mylian.
- See you later. I have to run.
- You got a new job?
- At a nursing home.
- I didn't know that. How is it?
- Fine. But those old folks are insane.
Cool.
Cheers.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What is this?
- Cake.
Congratulations. You are now
officially Oslo's biggest asshole.
- Was it magical?
- Don't be jealous.
Chris, come here!
- "Feed the goat"?
- What happens if you don't feed it?
- It gets hungry?
- First, yes. And then it dies.
But don't worry.
Goats are omnivorous.
- We're going out.
- Sorry, I have to read.
Awesome!
Our new roommate
is an asexual academic.
I like that you label me as asexual
because I haven't slept with...
- A thousand million women.
- It isn't about the number.
OK, you got me there.
It is about the number.
But it's also about radiating
sexuality. Look at me, Christian.
Look at this!
I sweat fucking orgies!
Come on, take a whiff.
- No, I'm not going to smell you.
- Come on. I sweat pussy.
- Want to see my dick?
- No.
- I love showing off my dick.
- I don't doubt it.
- Just look down.
- No.
- And there it is.
- Please come out!
You could have
one chick licking your balls -
- and one with your "nose"
in her mouth.
- Please come out with me!
- No.
Fucking loser!
You are the perfect candidate.
For what?
If you do everything I tell you
for the next half year, -
- you can easily reach 123.
- What's that mean?
Casanova shared his cock
with a total of 122 women.
So Karl's goal in life
is to ravish 123 women.
Fuck yeah!
Is it possible to get AIDS
more than once? Like double-AIDS?
- Let it out, Chris. I've been there.
- I haven't known you that long.
But I think you have used all your
energy to fuck as much as possible.
I don't think you've slept with 100.
By New Year's Eve, I'm going
to celebrate that 123 women -
- have been swept away
by The Package.
And if you want, -
- we can make a deal
right here and fucking now:
If you do everything I say
for the next five months, -
- I'll turn you into a man women
want to share their sexuality with.
OK, so basically I'll be your slave
for a half year...
- Imagine how much you'll learn!
- Sorry, bro.
Chris, come on.
Chris!
Imagine the power!
- What did he say?
- "Imagine the power, Christian!"
I think he loves this image of himself
as a sex god.
And you?
- What about me?
- Do you want to be seen as a sex god?
I happen to be an atheist,
so I don't believe in gods.
But that's a stupid answer.
Honest answer.
Seriously?
Yes. I do.
You do?
You want me to view you
as a sex god?
Why?
According to Aristotle,
being sexually active is a virtue.
So according to virtue ethics...
Come on,
no sneaky philosophical answers.
A sneaky question deserves
a sneaky answer. Tit for tat.
Are you coming to The Owlery tonight?
I was planning on reading.
Are you going?
Yes.
With you.
- All right. Maybe.
- Not maybe. Join me.
And I'll tell all my girlfriends
what a sex god you are.
They already know.
I sent out a group e-mail.
If you have any intention
of passing on your genes, be careful.
"Mylian" sounds like something
from Lord of the Rings.
I hereby forbid you to think
about Mulan... Mylian... Muliano.
- Why?
- Because you like her.
I can't talk to her
because I like her?
Like her as much as you want,
just stop caring so much.
Mylion... Muylita... Muyliano...
Sounds like a French porn actress.
She may not even like me.
Can we talk about something else?
Forget it!
Don't worry.
They'll calm down, mom.
Dick or sack?
- What?
- Dick or sack?
- Sack?
- Dick.
- It was dick.
- OK.
Dick or sack?
Sack.
- What the hell is that?
- Huh?
What is that?
Your dick is supposed to be a reward.
That looks like a fucking punishment.
Dick or sack?
- Dick.
- Sack.
People go out to get pussy.
We go out to give dick.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi!
- This is Christian.
- Elisa.
He may seem shy, but once you get
his clothes off, he's a monster.
Like the Hulk?
I like to call myself
the Incredible Spunk.
That was really bad.
Chicks consider me
a good lay, period.
We don't realize that you're
just using us as hot sex objects.
Let me know if you feel abused.
Don't you worry about that.
Nobody can abuse the Spunk.
- Are you all right?
- Yes. I'm fine.
But you really have to stop
saying Spunk.
I'll do my best.
- Elisa, where are we going?
- It's your party.
Let's go to The Owlery.
Good prices, good people.
Fuck it!
The Party Prince has spoken.
One last round of champagne?
- Has she called?
- Huh?
- Has she called?
- No, not yet.
- Have you texted her?
- Three times. She hasn't responded.
Trust me. Don't send any more.
You'll just seem pushy.
Now you sound like Karl.
I hate to admit it,
but sometimes he's actually right.
Fuck it.
- I'm leaving.
- No, no!
Do you realize how easy it is to hook
up here? These hippies are starving.
- Some other time.
- I'm serious!
They don't care if your balls aren't
shaved, as long as your face is.
Some other time.
I'll see you later.
- Christian...
- See you later.
Chris, could you bring Elisa home?
She has to get to bed.
- Bring Elisa home, Christian.
- I don't want to get puked on.
Fuck you!
What time is it?
I'm OK.
I can take your shoes.
- Up you go!
- You're a good person.
You aren't going to rape me, are you?
No, I am definitely not
going to rape you.
- Come on.
- That's swell of you.
Can you make it from here?
- Great. OK. Bye.
- Bye.
Rise and shine, Karl!
Oh, shit. My alarm didn't ring.
I have to get to work.
See you later.
You live here?
Were you...
- Were you out late last night?
- Yeah.
Real late.
Are you hungry?
I could make some chicken.
No thanks, I'm not that hungry.
I should leave.
Do you have all your things?
But...
- See you later?
- Yeah.
I'll give you a call, OK?
She was cute.
So fucking -
- tight.
- But not worthy of breakfast?
- She snored.
Or, she made these sleeping sounds.
Some sort of weird breathing.
What was her name?
I can't remember.
Just feeding the goat.
She was hot.
A little boring in bed.
Dick or sack?
- Dick.
- Nope.
- Of course it is.
- Nope.
- OK.
- What?
- I'm in.
- In on what?
Teach me.
- It'll be hectic.
- And painful.
Nagging, grumpy neighbors,
hangovers... It'll be legendary!
Are you ready to become a charming
asshole that girls want to sleep with?
You bet your ass!
- Ouch! Shit!
- We are a low caste, but we rebel.
The Oslo and Surrounding Area
Fucking Caste.
One day, Chris...
One day this will all be yours.
- The first girl you had sex with?
- Susann.
- We had sex on a slope.
- Susann.
- She screwed Terje the same night.
- Fuck her. She's probably obese now.
The second time, are you sure
there was full penetration?
Pretty sure.
I think.
The head of your penis inside
at least once?
- I'm pretty sure it was.
- Pimp!
That's pretty impressive.
Don't worry.
By New Year's you'll be way up here.
- I can guarantee at least five.
- Three more? In three months?
Before New Year's
you'll be at five and I'll be at 123.
What's on your mind?
This may sound stupid, but what
happened to just "being yourself"?
OK, Chris, your mother raised you
to be nice and sweet.
And worst of all, to be yourself.
What if "yourself" isn't good enough?
What if "yourself"
is a boring, ugly nerd?
If you smell bad, take a shower.
If there's a dead whore
in your living room, get rid of her.
Adaptation is as natural as evolution.
"Yourself" is a term for losers
who sit at home whacking off. Agreed?
- Yes.
- Pimp.
For starters:
It's essential that you control
every social situation.
It helps if you're wealthy
or have a magical penis like Leo, -
- but all it comes down to
is how you communicate.
Most girls think that a set number
of boys are their perfect match.
And that's fine.
We can take advantage of that.
Get as close to her physically
as possible, without it being awkward.
You're a little too close to Leo now,
but look how close I am to you.
With indirect body language,
I can get much closer.
But what if I go like this?
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
- Touch everyone, even boys.
- You mean grope?
No, don't grope.
Create physical closeness.
Always touch them in a natural manner.
She'll never want you
to play with her pussy, -
- unless you've played with
her arms and shoulders first.
Analyze who they are with.
All other boys are considered enemies.
More on that later.
What do you see over there?
- Two girls.
- Wrong.
A hot girl with an ugly girlfriend.
Ready?
What's she look like?
Huh? Right.
She has a white shirt...
Wrong!
She's naked on top of you!
Hi, you look great!
How's it going?
How do you know Karl?
Who?
Three-second rule: Talk to someone
you like within three seconds.
- What should I say?
- It's all about the delivery.
Hi! This is my roommate.
The coolest guy in the world.
Hi.
Tove.
Tove is a nurse,
but she's terrified of shots.
Cool!
So... why are you so afraid of shots?
I probably got scared
when I was a kid, or something.
- We aren't actually roommates.
- Who?
Me and...
Me and Karl.
I mean, we live together.
In the same apartment.
That is, I moved in.
From Stavanger.
You have beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
I'm a little thirsty.
- What would you like?
- Strawberry daiquiri.
One strawberry daggery.
I was wondering.
Could I have your phone number?
- I don't know...
- You have a boyfriend?
- No.
- You don't?
Come on.
Let's have it.
But...
I have to work early tomorrow.
I should probably get going.
- What was that?
- A free drink and some attention.
- Never start by buying them a drink.
- I didn't!
You did.
She just lumped you together
with the rest of the goats.
You elevated her way above you.
She should buy you a drink.
- How did it go?
- I got her number.
Let me see!
What did you do?
What should I say?
Say hi.
Invite her up here, or something.
Hello?
- What happened?
- It was an old folks' home.
- It was the night watchman.
- Don't worry about it.
She's a nurse.
It was probably her work number.
Holy crap, Karl!
You still have your dildo collection?
I told you I did.
This is Nils.
This is Johnny, who resembles Leo's.
Flicky, and Big Jim.
Perfect.
Leo's about to fuck that girl.
Hearing other people have sex
makes chicks horny.
That's when we strike.
I'll take Guro.
That Filipino chick goes crazy
once she's naked.
Or so I've heard.
- Are you in?
- Sure.
Here we go!
Imagine if we ended up
on a desert island.
That would suck.
I have to leave now. See you later.
- How long before you go over to her?
- Three seconds tops.
And if she asks for a drink?
Politely decline,
and try to get her to buy me one.
Excellent.
We've fed you a lot of information.
All that's important now,
is that you're totally relaxed.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
I didn't know what to say.
- Hi, I'm Leo.
- Hi, Leo.
- Have you met Christian?
- Hi. Christian.
We went to
music kindergarten together.
He's the only person I know
who plays rhythm sticks off-key.
Feed the goat.
Leo played this little mini guitar
while I sang.
The kindergarten teachers
threw their bras at us.
- What did you want to become?
- A stewardess.
- What was that?
- That can happen to anyone.
What do I do now?
- Fuck it. Take her back.
- Are you nuts?
Trust me.
Just go right over there and kiss her.
- Are you sure...
- Shut up. Go for the kiss.
What the hell do you think
you're doing, snail dick?
Good work, boss!
What the hell?
- Hang on, let me kill this faggot.
- He's with me. I told him to do it.
Really?
Nice to meet you.
I'm The Punisher.
Let's get a drink.
Karl may seem cynical.
But compared to The Punisher
he's a study in refined style.
That goat has a constant hard-on.
He won't stop until he gets laid.
And when he eventually does score, -
- he always tries
to butt-fuck the girl.
He feels they deserve it
for playing hard to get.
Thus the name, The Punisher.
It's a fucking war out there.
A war?
- Hi there!
- Hi!
It's great to see you again.
Last time was a little embarrassing.
You have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
But you did propose to me,
so we are engaged.
You said yes?
Nyah.
I said I'd think about it.
- Hi. Good to see you again.
- Hi!
- Hi. Line.
- Hi. Kine.
- Kine and Trine?
- Kine and Line.
Gotta keep my dick straight.
Hey...
Is it OK if we just...
Sure.
Of course.
I'm not the type to stick my finger
up girls' asses on the dance floor.
The Punisher's just messing around.
Why do girls go home with cavemen
who use their dicks like clubs?
I don't get it.
Aren't you working on
a degree in sociology?
You're the scholar here.
Figure it out.
Equal rights in Norway
"My Crack, Back & Shaven Sack."
"The division of power
between the sexes -
- in today's post-feminist society."
- What's it about?
- It's about living in Norway in 2013.
With a penis.
Is that a bad thing?
In Norway today, women live
five years longer than men.
Nine out of ten jail inmates are men.
Three of four suicides.
We have military service.
Men are overrepresented when
it comes to accidents, drowning, -
- drunkenness, depression.
In nine of ten divorces,
the women get the children.
Women get better grades than men
in 90 %% of courses.
And women have all the power
in the gender market.
- We were oppressed for 60,000 years.
- But I'm talking about today.
- So now you're the oppressed ones?
- Yes.
Everyone can see it, but women
are still portrayed as the victims.
Just because
there are fewer female leaders.
So why are fewer leaders female?
Because being the CEO of Statoil is
a shit job that no one really wants.
Unless you're a narcissistic bastard
that loves pussy.
- And money.
- And power.
And what do you use that
money and power for?
To drink champagne out of the ass
of some hot heiress.
I'm not sure it's as lopsided
as you make it sound.
Chris,
tonight I'm taking you to Nirvana.
Are we picking up lesbians?
This place is full of homos.
Relax. Savor the atmosphere.
How many desperate men do you see?
How many grumpy girls
yelling at some guy for making a move?
- I've never been to a gay bar.
- You're treated like a human here.
It's a great place
to hang out and relax.
Here, any one man
is worth as much as another.
Look at that guy.
Jesus, another ten shots,
and he could have me fooled.
Have you ever done it?
With a man?
It isn't my cup of tea.
- How about you?
- Right!
I'm 24 years old
and have had sex with two women.
I'm due a little more pussy
before I switch to cock and ass.
Did I hear "ass"?
- Mind if we join you?
- Not at all!
Ten shots.
You said ten shots.
- Cheers!
- Cumshots!
OK!
Hang on...
Christian, bring those two girls home.
Can't we just pretend like
we're gay tonight?
- Not a chance. Go!
- Christian!
Hi, excuse me for interrupting.
Could I just stand here
and pretend like I'm picking you up?
Just until my friend is satisfied?
He won't stop nagging.
- Of course.
- Cool.
Quite the pressure.
Could I bum a cigarette?
- Where are we going now?
- My place!
- Isn't he coming?
- No, he has things to do.
How old are you?
And you?
- What do you think?
- 16.
- Hi.
- Shh!
- Are you in here?
- Who is that?
Hi.
I'm Christian.
Have you eaten?
Why don't I make breakfast?
No, I'm fine.
Where are the car keys, mom?
I'm meeting Kaja.
- You can drive Christian home.
- Seriously?
No, really.
Don't worry about me.
- It's the least we can do.
- I'll take the tram.
- Talk to me.
- What?
No bullshit.
Have you fucked?
Yes!
Fuck!
What the hell is going on?
- Did you get laid?
- Like a madman!
- She was pretty old.
- Shut up! Women age like wine!
I'm proud of you.
Well done.
Chris, stand up.
Stand up!
I hereby appoint you
as Oslo Fuck Club's -
- first official Big Cat.
For the one of us who, -
- at any given time,
last fucked a new chick.
OK, fuck it.
You have been fantastic.
You too, Leo.
I'll admit it. I've been holding back.
But that's over now.
Now it's all about cock, pussy, S&M
in the woods and fucking lesbians.
Try stopping me, Middle Cat.
- Burn!
- Shut up, Baby Cat!
Come on.
Maja!
Maja!
- Time for a party!
- I'll kill your whole family, Karl!
OK. We have six hours
to organize the party of the year.
The mother-in-law of all parties.
Chris, you have to find
as much alcohol as you possibly can.
Leo, you handle the crazy shit. Here's
my card, don't tell me what you buy.
Maja, you call every girl you have
ever met in the surrounding area.
- You know more than I do.
- He's fucked 90 %% of them.
It would be kind of like Hefner,
partying with girls you've screwed.
- Fine, we both score chicks.
- Fuck you.
- Excellent.
- Maja?
- What if we don't feed the goat?
- It gets hungry.
Feed the goat!
- You should get a jacuzzi.
- More champagne?
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was invited, if...
Of course, no problem.
As long as it's been cleared
by the goat.
So...
It's good to see you.
Likewise.
- You want something to drink?
- I brought my own.
Dick or sack?
- Huh?
- Dick or sack?
Sack?
Wrong.
It was dick.
I thought you of all people would
recognize a dick when you saw one.
Hey, maybe it's time
to start calming down?
The goat needs to be fed.
It needs to.
Or else the SPCA
will get mad at us -
- and all hell will break loose.
We don't want that.
Sorry!
Listen...
I should leave now.
Do you want to walk me out?
I just have to say bye to Maja.
Thanks for tonight.
It was awesome.
I think it's best for everyone
if I go home with you.
Hello!
How are things here?
Did I wake you up?
Were you at a party last night?
All right, bye.
See you on Sunday.
There you go.
What's your name?
Mads, was it?
Mads is a super name.
How old are you?
One?
- Answer Christian.
- Two?
You don't have to answer.
Hello!
You just spilled some.
My first draft is due
in early December.
Yeah.
No, that didn't work out.
She ended up in bed with Karl.
No, it wasn't like that. They didn't
even know who the other one was.
No, mom.
It isn't...
He doesn't even know her name.
Stop.
It's no big deal.
Anyway, I have met someone else.
Yeah.
Her name is Elisa.
So that's...
Yes, she's very cool.
A very cool girl.
Hey, Karl, come here.
- That looks great.
- What?
You coming out with us tonight?
Elisa and I are meeting Maja.
You've been hanging out for weeks.
Are you an item?
- I don't know.
- What's that mean?
It means we enjoy
each other's company.
Does it have to be more complicated?
- Are you her boyfriend now?
- No.
- You're just getting the hang of this.
- You need at least one more.
Why get continually rejected,
when I can have fun with Elisa?
OK, I have a plan.
Bring Elisa, -
- and score a threesome.
She'll be game.
I don't think she's into that.
And she has her kid this weekend.
- Elisa has a kid?
- How old?
Two, maybe?
Whew!
What?
Hm?
Have you...
When?
Christ, it was like four years ago.
- It was at this crazy after-party.
- You too?
We were wasted, or stoned.
It was no big deal.
It was just for kicks.
So you and Leo fucked Elisa
at the same time?
- Was anyone else involved?
- No, just us.
- But, shit, she's smoking hot!
- It was just some drunken fun.
She would probably have told you
if she wanted you to know.
"By the way, your buddies
double-penetrated my ass."
"But I'm done with that now.
Let's do it the normal way."
Come on, Christian!
Let's go find the lesbian national
yoga team and have an eightsome.
How many have you had sex with?
What kind of a question is that?
I'm just curious.
OK.
34, I think.
Or 33.
Something like that.
Have you ever been in a threesome?
Why are you asking me that?
Over there, isn't that
that girl you made out with?
Maybe she could join us?
Christ! I thought you were serious
for a second.
What do you mean?
What, are you serious?
- OK.
- OK?
- So you're up for it?
- Yeah, sure.
I don't know.
Or...
No.
Why not?
Because...
Because I don't want to.
How about a foursome?
We can bring in Karl and Leo
and all fuck together.
Listen...
That happened ages ago, Christian.
- Why are you being like this?
- Like what?
- Like a guy who's into threesomes?
- I don't want to.
Why don't you ask
how many I have slept with?
- You know there aren't many.
- I don't care!
- Why didn't you say something?
- I didn't see it as a problem.
This is so typical!
Karl and Leo can fuck around because
they're men, but I'm a woman...
I'm not talking about what you
have done. I'm talking about us.
You're trying to force me
into a fuck orgy!
Fine, since you're beyond all that,
let's move in together.
And I can be Mads' substitute dad,
since he's so crazy about me!
Don't call me.
Out you go.
You and Kevin Danielsen were arrested.
Kevin who?
I don't know a Kevin Danielsen.
You called him -
- The Punisher last night.
Do you know him, or not?
I do.
You have been charged with violating
Penal Code section 192-A:
"Sexual intercourse accomplished
by violence or menace."
"Punishable by
up to 10 years in prison."
I suggest you get yourself a lawyer.
You will be released...
- Karl!
- I told you so!
Up you go!
You doubted your cock.
But you've just fucked with that cock,
haven't you?
Five chicks, and it isn't even
Christmas yet. Damn I'm good!
You've become
a goddam fucking machine!
I have to go get laid.
Christian?
Yes.
- Sandwich?
- Excuse me?
- Would you like a sandwich?
- No, thanks.
I've looked at what you gave me.
- This shouldn't be a problem.
- OK. What does that mean?
That means
they don't have enough evidence.
So you'll probably get off scot-free.
What if they do have enough evidence?
Then you risk some years
in the slammer.
Or a fine.
Depending on what they find.
Sure you don't want a sandwich?
Aren't you going to eat?
No, I'm not that hungry.
- Are you sick?
- No, I'm not sick.
You look sick.
It's called a hangover.
That's a grown-up sickness.
How's it going with the ladies?
Fine, I guess.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.
- Why not?
Leave Christian alone now.
Hey, how are you really doing?
I'm fine.
Just have a lot on my mind.
- I'm very proud of you.
- Stop it.
I mean it.
You've always been such a sweet boy.
No matter what you do,
I will always be proud of you.
But listen, if something has happened,
you have to be honest.
Then everything will work out.
- Duly noted.
- OK?
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Hey!
Hi, it's you.
I thought...
Never mind.
I've been thinking.
- About what?
- My case.
Shit, I forgot to tell you!
I got a call a few days ago.
All the charges have been dropped.
She wasn't up for a full trial.
I told you so.
- But I want...
- It's very common.
I want to confess.
- Why?
- Because I can't live with this.
Listen, she said she doesn't want
any more attention.
The police have to drop a rape case
if there's no victim. Case closed.
Don't force her to do something
she doesn't want to do. Again.
OK?
Put it behind you, Christian.
Happy New Year.
Christian?
Can't you come out?
We miss you.
Hi!
What's this?
This is... a prioritized list of girls'
names in case I get a daughter.
- Are you going to be a dad?
- I don't know. Maybe.
You don't have Tone there.
Mind if I add my name?
Hi.
How are you doing?
I...
Super.
Has Karl told you
how he lost his virginity?
Up by Lake Sognsvann,
with a girlfriend of mine.
Sounds amazing...
He didn't notice
that his nose started bleeding.
Her face ended up covered in blood.
Number one: Nosebleed Ellen.
Yeah.
- It isn't easy.
- You don't know the half of it.
Here.
- Is this Karl?
- Yes.
So he clearly knows
what it feels like to be rejected.
Listen,
I know Karl can be a total pain.
Personally, I've never been a fan
of his womanizing.
All those girls.
But I let it slide because
it has had a positive effect on him.
That's because
you're in love with him, Maja.
Anyway...
I know those guys can be
intense and irritating.
But staring at the ceiling and
not talking to anyone, is also bad.
If not for them, do it for me.
I need someone to talk to out there
with an IQ over 70.
- Maja?
- Hm?
I have...
Don't worry about it, Christian.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends,
and you there...
I don't know you, but I like you.
It's awesome that so many of you are
still around after all our fuck-ups.
But there is one person who has
made this a fantastic year for me.
One of my favorite people
in the whole fucking world:
Christian!
He has changed my worldview -
- with his naive kindness.
And unbeknownst to him, he has helped
me and Leo write a book -
- that will hopefully help
many desperate jerk-offs.
He has been through
a boot camp from hell -
- that makes the special forces
look like bitches.
It's been hard, dark and miserable, -
- but he rose to the occasion.
Like a fucking phoenix from the ashes!
It is a pick-up guide for men.
How to go from man on the street
to fucking machine.
123 tips, illustrated throughout with
pictures I have drawn of Christian.
I would like to dedicate
the last toast of the year -
- to Christian.
Cheers!
Christian,
don't be such a party pooper.
- Hey!
- What the hell?
Take it easy!
Christian!
Hey, boss.
Get lost.
Go away.
I thought I'd try to talk you down.
Just leave me alone.
For once.
I'm not leaving here without you.
OK.
So what is this?
- The final chapter? You save me?
- Please...
Chapter 123:
Karl the Savior
rescues Christian the Pathetic.
What do you think I am?
I think you went behind my back
and wrote a book.
You fucked someone you knew I liked.
You forced me...
Leo and I didn't force you
to do anything.
OK?
You went along voluntarily.
- After you fucked Mylian.
- Yes, I fucked Mylian.
I realized you liked her,
so I fucked her. And it helped.
- It helped?
- Yes. Say what you want.
You are a much better man
than that wimp I met six months ago.
If you keep listening to me, I can
guarantee you an awesome life.
And you know it.
I did all that to open your eyes.
To give you a chance
to avoid being constantly rejected.
Open my eyes?
You are so fucking stupid.
Just tell me what's wrong,
and I'll help you.
We raped a girl, Karl.
Me and The Punisher.
So fuck "being rejected."
- Shit, I...
- You didn't think that would happen?
Of course not.
You're an idiot.
You have wasted half your life.
Pissed it away.
You claim I don't know
how the world works.
You're the one who's forgotten
how the world works.
Don't touch me!
Hi. We have an appointment
with Christian Lunde.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hi, boss.
How's it going?
Fine.
And with you?
Let's go find the bathroom.
Seriously?
You and Maja?
Pretty sick, huh?
How did that happen?
We argued for, like, three days.
She didn't believe me, so...
I proposed.
So how are you really doing?
The doctor thinks -
- I should stay a couple more weeks.
But... I am doing fine.
Have you gotten some diagnosis?
Just your average depression.
24 out of 30 on the scale.
Listen, I would never...
I would never have pushed you
if I had known...
It's OK.
You said lots of things that...
I just wanted to...
I don't know.
I just want to apologize.
Thank you.
Anyway, I talked to our publisher.
We decided to can the entire book.
This is the last copy.
Let me know, and I'll delete it.
Could I have it?
Are you sure?
I thought it might be interesting.
To see things from your perspective.
Fuck it. Take it.
Do with it as you please.
Thanks.
There's probably
a lot of porn on there.
I mean, we're talking shitloads.
If you find any shemale stuff,
that was downloaded ironically.
Leo eventually found
the woman of his dreams...
A ten of spades
and billionaire heiress.
Stop, you little shit!
Unfortunately her mother
was also a solid nine of clubs.
Leo insists he'll soon give up
the single lifestyle.
Karl got into architecture school
and married Maja.
Their love has blossomed
since she became number 123.
They have two daughters.
To Karl's great relief, he believes
he has spied lesbian tendencies.
And Christian?
Well...
Our next guest wrote a book
about Oslo's pickup scene.
It has already sold
over 100,000 copies.
Please welcome social worker
and author Christian Lunde!
Hi there!
Hi, Christian.
Welcome!
Hi.
It's great to have you here.
- How are you?
- Great.
You had some scores to settle
with yourself.
I sure did.
It was the only right thing to do.
I had scores to settle with myself.
And with others
who had been affected.
It has to do with attraction...
Christian?
Christian!
I'll call you back.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Long time, no see.
- Truly.
- And now you're on TV.
- Yeah.
- How are you?
- I'm great.
Listen, I have an appointment.
It was great seeing you.
Don't you have two minutes
to talk to me?
Was there something in particular?
Not really.
That is, I just...
I've been wondering
if you feel that I...
Was I mean?
Did I take advantage of you somehow?
Listen.
You have nothing
to feel guilty about, OK?
OK.
That was a huge relief.
Except that you're the reason
I tried to commit suicide.
You should have seen your face.
See you later!
Hey, Christian.
Hang on!
Where are you headed?
Actually, what I'm doing
is going home -
- for a nice, long wank.
Hello?
Are you Karl?
I'm Christian.
The guy from Stavanger.
Moving to Oslo.
- Why are you moving to Oslo?
- To finish my sociology studies.
Sure, but why are you moving?
I guess I'm just tired
of living at home.
Are you single?
Am I...?
Yes, I am.
Are you gay?
No, I'm not.
You hesitated.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
Move a little closer.
Let me look at your face.
Cool.
Hello?
- Did you have a nice talk?
- Yes. Stop nagging!
Where in Oslo are you staying?
- I'm not sure.
- Not all parts are safe.
What do you mean?
- Do you have a rape alarm?
- Shut up!
- Why are you going to Oslo?
- To study. How about you?
I'm not going to Oslo. Are you crazy?
My little brother is.
You should get better acquainted.
It's a long train ride.
Just be yourself
and everything will be fine.
I love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you that guy's little brother?
- That's me.
Do you think I could get
your brother's phone number?
Yes. Of course.
Sure you can.
- Thank you.
- That is not a problem.
I got it!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Is this where Karl lives?
- Who's asking?
Christian.
I think I'm moving in here.
Hi there.
Leo.
You're just in time.
- Is that for me?
- Sorry, no. It's for Karl.
- Is it his birthday?
- Write "100" on that.
- Red towel means "help."
- Is he with someone?
Open it.
We can't open the door!
What if they're...?
Congratulations!
Leo, you didn't have to bake a cake!
Hey, boss.
Say hi to...
You, say hi to Christian.
Christian.
Nice to meet you.
- The hats!
- Right.
Cool!
Don't forget to blow.
Is it your birthday, or what?
- Karl, aren't you late for work?
- Shit!
I'm a huge fan.
I love you.
See you later.
Have you seriously had sex
with 100 women?
- Did you catch her name?
- Cake lady.
Looks: 7.
Sex: 5.
She was a club, I think.
Give me a seven of clubs.
I think you've used them up.
Hang on.
100 women?
How many kids do you have?
On a scale of 1 to 10:
How hairy are your balls?
- Huh?
- How many women have you fucked?
- Does that matter?
- We'll still love you.
Five...
Six...
...thousand.
Your doorbell doesn't work.
When I pushed the buzzer and tried...
Cool story, bro.
We were talking about fucking.
OK, so fucking
is all you talk about here?
Freud said that's all people talk
about. We're just honest about it.
What about you, Leo?
Does that apply to you too?
You've been duped your entire life.
Girls don't want boys like you.
But you're our roommate,
so we'll help you.
The women won the battle of the sexes.
They call all the shots.
Sorry,
but we have to shave your balls now.
Christian!
Christian...
He seems nice.
Son of a bitch!
CRACK, BACK & SACK
You will be presented
with certain methods -
- and what those methods are based on.
And you will also learn
about scientific writing.
How do we write scientific papers?
In other words,
your final thesis should focus on...
OK?
Is that clear to everyone?
There are mandatory activities...
- Please...
- Problem?
- It doesn't work!
- Is this your bachelor thesis?
No, but I have four minutes
to get this in, or I'll fail.
Thank you!
You're my hero!
All I need is a white steed.
- Were you here last year?
- No.
This is my first semester in Oslo.
- I live with...
- Sorry, I have to go.
But we're going out for beers
at The Owlery later.
- Christian.
- Hi. Mylian.
- Miriam?
- No. Mylian.
- Mylian.
- See you later. I have to run.
- You got a new job?
- At a nursing home.
- I didn't know that. How is it?
- Fine. But those old folks are insane.
Cool.
Cheers.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What is this?
- Cake.
Congratulations. You are now
officially Oslo's biggest asshole.
- Was it magical?
- Don't be jealous.
Chris, come here!
- "Feed the goat"?
- What happens if you don't feed it?
- It gets hungry?
- First, yes. And then it dies.
But don't worry.
Goats are omnivorous.
- We're going out.
- Sorry, I have to read.
Awesome!
Our new roommate
is an asexual academic.
I like that you label me as asexual
because I haven't slept with...
- A thousand million women.
- It isn't about the number.
OK, you got me there.
It is about the number.
But it's also about radiating
sexuality. Look at me, Christian.
Look at this!
I sweat fucking orgies!
Come on, take a whiff.
- No, I'm not going to smell you.
- Come on. I sweat pussy.
- Want to see my dick?
- No.
- I love showing off my dick.
- I don't doubt it.
- Just look down.
- No.
- And there it is.
- Please come out!
You could have
one chick licking your balls -
- and one with your "nose"
in her mouth.
- Please come out with me!
- No.
Fucking loser!
You are the perfect candidate.
For what?
If you do everything I tell you
for the next half year, -
- you can easily reach 123.
- What's that mean?
Casanova shared his cock
with a total of 122 women.
So Karl's goal in life
is to ravish 123 women.
Fuck yeah!
Is it possible to get AIDS
more than once? Like double-AIDS?
- Let it out, Chris. I've been there.
- I haven't known you that long.
But I think you have used all your
energy to fuck as much as possible.
I don't think you've slept with 100.
By New Year's Eve, I'm going
to celebrate that 123 women -
- have been swept away
by The Package.
And if you want, -
- we can make a deal
right here and fucking now:
If you do everything I say
for the next five months, -
- I'll turn you into a man women
want to share their sexuality with.
OK, so basically I'll be your slave
for a half year...
- Imagine how much you'll learn!
- Sorry, bro.
Chris, come on.
Chris!
Imagine the power!
- What did he say?
- "Imagine the power, Christian!"
I think he loves this image of himself
as a sex god.
And you?
- What about me?
- Do you want to be seen as a sex god?
I happen to be an atheist,
so I don't believe in gods.
But that's a stupid answer.
Honest answer.
Seriously?
Yes. I do.
You do?
You want me to view you
as a sex god?
Why?
According to Aristotle,
being sexually active is a virtue.
So according to virtue ethics...
Come on,
no sneaky philosophical answers.
A sneaky question deserves
a sneaky answer. Tit for tat.
Are you coming to The Owlery tonight?
I was planning on reading.
Are you going?
Yes.
With you.
- All right. Maybe.
- Not maybe. Join me.
And I'll tell all my girlfriends
what a sex god you are.
They already know.
I sent out a group e-mail.
If you have any intention
of passing on your genes, be careful.
"Mylian" sounds like something
from Lord of the Rings.
I hereby forbid you to think
about Mulan... Mylian... Muliano.
- Why?
- Because you like her.
I can't talk to her
because I like her?
Like her as much as you want,
just stop caring so much.
Mylion... Muylita... Muyliano...
Sounds like a French porn actress.
She may not even like me.
Can we talk about something else?
Forget it!
Don't worry.
They'll calm down, mom.
Dick or sack?
- What?
- Dick or sack?
- Sack?
- Dick.
- It was dick.
- OK.
Dick or sack?
Sack.
- What the hell is that?
- Huh?
What is that?
Your dick is supposed to be a reward.
That looks like a fucking punishment.
Dick or sack?
- Dick.
- Sack.
People go out to get pussy.
We go out to give dick.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi!
- This is Christian.
- Elisa.
He may seem shy, but once you get
his clothes off, he's a monster.
Like the Hulk?
I like to call myself
the Incredible Spunk.
That was really bad.
Chicks consider me
a good lay, period.
We don't realize that you're
just using us as hot sex objects.
Let me know if you feel abused.
Don't you worry about that.
Nobody can abuse the Spunk.
- Are you all right?
- Yes. I'm fine.
But you really have to stop
saying Spunk.
I'll do my best.
- Elisa, where are we going?
- It's your party.
Let's go to The Owlery.
Good prices, good people.
Fuck it!
The Party Prince has spoken.
One last round of champagne?
- Has she called?
- Huh?
- Has she called?
- No, not yet.
- Have you texted her?
- Three times. She hasn't responded.
Trust me. Don't send any more.
You'll just seem pushy.
Now you sound like Karl.
I hate to admit it,
but sometimes he's actually right.
Fuck it.
- I'm leaving.
- No, no!
Do you realize how easy it is to hook
up here? These hippies are starving.
- Some other time.
- I'm serious!
They don't care if your balls aren't
shaved, as long as your face is.
Some other time.
I'll see you later.
- Christian...
- See you later.
Chris, could you bring Elisa home?
She has to get to bed.
- Bring Elisa home, Christian.
- I don't want to get puked on.
Fuck you!
What time is it?
I'm OK.
I can take your shoes.
- Up you go!
- You're a good person.
You aren't going to rape me, are you?
No, I am definitely not
going to rape you.
- Come on.
- That's swell of you.
Can you make it from here?
- Great. OK. Bye.
- Bye.
Rise and shine, Karl!
Oh, shit. My alarm didn't ring.
I have to get to work.
See you later.
You live here?
Were you...
- Were you out late last night?
- Yeah.
Real late.
Are you hungry?
I could make some chicken.
No thanks, I'm not that hungry.
I should leave.
Do you have all your things?
But...
- See you later?
- Yeah.
I'll give you a call, OK?
She was cute.
So fucking -
- tight.
- But not worthy of breakfast?
- She snored.
Or, she made these sleeping sounds.
Some sort of weird breathing.
What was her name?
I can't remember.
Just feeding the goat.
She was hot.
A little boring in bed.
Dick or sack?
- Dick.
- Nope.
- Of course it is.
- Nope.
- OK.
- What?
- I'm in.
- In on what?
Teach me.
- It'll be hectic.
- And painful.
Nagging, grumpy neighbors,
hangovers... It'll be legendary!
Are you ready to become a charming
asshole that girls want to sleep with?
You bet your ass!
- Ouch! Shit!
- We are a low caste, but we rebel.
The Oslo and Surrounding Area
Fucking Caste.
One day, Chris...
One day this will all be yours.
- The first girl you had sex with?
- Susann.
- We had sex on a slope.
- Susann.
- She screwed Terje the same night.
- Fuck her. She's probably obese now.
The second time, are you sure
there was full penetration?
Pretty sure.
I think.
The head of your penis inside
at least once?
- I'm pretty sure it was.
- Pimp!
That's pretty impressive.
Don't worry.
By New Year's you'll be way up here.
- I can guarantee at least five.
- Three more? In three months?
Before New Year's
you'll be at five and I'll be at 123.
What's on your mind?
This may sound stupid, but what
happened to just "being yourself"?
OK, Chris, your mother raised you
to be nice and sweet.
And worst of all, to be yourself.
What if "yourself" isn't good enough?
What if "yourself"
is a boring, ugly nerd?
If you smell bad, take a shower.
If there's a dead whore
in your living room, get rid of her.
Adaptation is as natural as evolution.
"Yourself" is a term for losers
who sit at home whacking off. Agreed?
- Yes.
- Pimp.
For starters:
It's essential that you control
every social situation.
It helps if you're wealthy
or have a magical penis like Leo, -
- but all it comes down to
is how you communicate.
Most girls think that a set number
of boys are their perfect match.
And that's fine.
We can take advantage of that.
Get as close to her physically
as possible, without it being awkward.
You're a little too close to Leo now,
but look how close I am to you.
With indirect body language,
I can get much closer.
But what if I go like this?
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
- Touch everyone, even boys.
- You mean grope?
No, don't grope.
Create physical closeness.
Always touch them in a natural manner.
She'll never want you
to play with her pussy, -
- unless you've played with
her arms and shoulders first.
Analyze who they are with.
All other boys are considered enemies.
More on that later.
What do you see over there?
- Two girls.
- Wrong.
A hot girl with an ugly girlfriend.
Ready?
What's she look like?
Huh? Right.
She has a white shirt...
Wrong!
She's naked on top of you!
Hi, you look great!
How's it going?
How do you know Karl?
Who?
Three-second rule: Talk to someone
you like within three seconds.
- What should I say?
- It's all about the delivery.
Hi! This is my roommate.
The coolest guy in the world.
Hi.
Tove.
Tove is a nurse,
but she's terrified of shots.
Cool!
So... why are you so afraid of shots?
I probably got scared
when I was a kid, or something.
- We aren't actually roommates.
- Who?
Me and...
Me and Karl.
I mean, we live together.
In the same apartment.
That is, I moved in.
From Stavanger.
You have beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
I'm a little thirsty.
- What would you like?
- Strawberry daiquiri.
One strawberry daggery.
I was wondering.
Could I have your phone number?
- I don't know...
- You have a boyfriend?
- No.
- You don't?
Come on.
Let's have it.
But...
I have to work early tomorrow.
I should probably get going.
- What was that?
- A free drink and some attention.
- Never start by buying them a drink.
- I didn't!
You did.
She just lumped you together
with the rest of the goats.
You elevated her way above you.
She should buy you a drink.
- How did it go?
- I got her number.
Let me see!
What did you do?
What should I say?
Say hi.
Invite her up here, or something.
Hello?
- What happened?
- It was an old folks' home.
- It was the night watchman.
- Don't worry about it.
She's a nurse.
It was probably her work number.
Holy crap, Karl!
You still have your dildo collection?
I told you I did.
This is Nils.
This is Johnny, who resembles Leo's.
Flicky, and Big Jim.
Perfect.
Leo's about to fuck that girl.
Hearing other people have sex
makes chicks horny.
That's when we strike.
I'll take Guro.
That Filipino chick goes crazy
once she's naked.
Or so I've heard.
- Are you in?
- Sure.
Here we go!
Imagine if we ended up
on a desert island.
That would suck.
I have to leave now. See you later.
- How long before you go over to her?
- Three seconds tops.
And if she asks for a drink?
Politely decline,
and try to get her to buy me one.
Excellent.
We've fed you a lot of information.
All that's important now,
is that you're totally relaxed.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
I didn't know what to say.
- Hi, I'm Leo.
- Hi, Leo.
- Have you met Christian?
- Hi. Christian.
We went to
music kindergarten together.
He's the only person I know
who plays rhythm sticks off-key.
Feed the goat.
Leo played this little mini guitar
while I sang.
The kindergarten teachers
threw their bras at us.
- What did you want to become?
- A stewardess.
- What was that?
- That can happen to anyone.
What do I do now?
- Fuck it. Take her back.
- Are you nuts?
Trust me.
Just go right over there and kiss her.
- Are you sure...
- Shut up. Go for the kiss.
What the hell do you think
you're doing, snail dick?
Good work, boss!
What the hell?
- Hang on, let me kill this faggot.
- He's with me. I told him to do it.
Really?
Nice to meet you.
I'm The Punisher.
Let's get a drink.
Karl may seem cynical.
But compared to The Punisher
he's a study in refined style.
That goat has a constant hard-on.
He won't stop until he gets laid.
And when he eventually does score, -
- he always tries
to butt-fuck the girl.
He feels they deserve it
for playing hard to get.
Thus the name, The Punisher.
It's a fucking war out there.
A war?
- Hi there!
- Hi!
It's great to see you again.
Last time was a little embarrassing.
You have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
But you did propose to me,
so we are engaged.
You said yes?
Nyah.
I said I'd think about it.
- Hi. Good to see you again.
- Hi!
- Hi. Line.
- Hi. Kine.
- Kine and Trine?
- Kine and Line.
Gotta keep my dick straight.
Hey...
Is it OK if we just...
Sure.
Of course.
I'm not the type to stick my finger
up girls' asses on the dance floor.
The Punisher's just messing around.
Why do girls go home with cavemen
who use their dicks like clubs?
I don't get it.
Aren't you working on
a degree in sociology?
You're the scholar here.
Figure it out.
Equal rights in Norway
"My Crack, Back & Shaven Sack."
"The division of power
between the sexes -
- in today's post-feminist society."
- What's it about?
- It's about living in Norway in 2013.
With a penis.
Is that a bad thing?
In Norway today, women live
five years longer than men.
Nine out of ten jail inmates are men.
Three of four suicides.
We have military service.
Men are overrepresented when
it comes to accidents, drowning, -
- drunkenness, depression.
In nine of ten divorces,
the women get the children.
Women get better grades than men
in 90 %% of courses.
And women have all the power
in the gender market.
- We were oppressed for 60,000 years.
- But I'm talking about today.
- So now you're the oppressed ones?
- Yes.
Everyone can see it, but women
are still portrayed as the victims.
Just because
there are fewer female leaders.
So why are fewer leaders female?
Because being the CEO of Statoil is
a shit job that no one really wants.
Unless you're a narcissistic bastard
that loves pussy.
- And money.
- And power.
And what do you use that
money and power for?
To drink champagne out of the ass
of some hot heiress.
I'm not sure it's as lopsided
as you make it sound.
Chris,
tonight I'm taking you to Nirvana.
Are we picking up lesbians?
This place is full of homos.
Relax. Savor the atmosphere.
How many desperate men do you see?
How many grumpy girls
yelling at some guy for making a move?
- I've never been to a gay bar.
- You're treated like a human here.
It's a great place
to hang out and relax.
Here, any one man
is worth as much as another.
Look at that guy.
Jesus, another ten shots,
and he could have me fooled.
Have you ever done it?
With a man?
It isn't my cup of tea.
- How about you?
- Right!
I'm 24 years old
and have had sex with two women.
I'm due a little more pussy
before I switch to cock and ass.
Did I hear "ass"?
- Mind if we join you?
- Not at all!
Ten shots.
You said ten shots.
- Cheers!
- Cumshots!
OK!
Hang on...
Christian, bring those two girls home.
Can't we just pretend like
we're gay tonight?
- Not a chance. Go!
- Christian!
Hi, excuse me for interrupting.
Could I just stand here
and pretend like I'm picking you up?
Just until my friend is satisfied?
He won't stop nagging.
- Of course.
- Cool.
Quite the pressure.
Could I bum a cigarette?
- Where are we going now?
- My place!
- Isn't he coming?
- No, he has things to do.
How old are you?
And you?
- What do you think?
- 16.
- Hi.
- Shh!
- Are you in here?
- Who is that?
Hi.
I'm Christian.
Have you eaten?
Why don't I make breakfast?
No, I'm fine.
Where are the car keys, mom?
I'm meeting Kaja.
- You can drive Christian home.
- Seriously?
No, really.
Don't worry about me.
- It's the least we can do.
- I'll take the tram.
- Talk to me.
- What?
No bullshit.
Have you fucked?
Yes!
Fuck!
What the hell is going on?
- Did you get laid?
- Like a madman!
- She was pretty old.
- Shut up! Women age like wine!
I'm proud of you.
Well done.
Chris, stand up.
Stand up!
I hereby appoint you
as Oslo Fuck Club's -
- first official Big Cat.
For the one of us who, -
- at any given time,
last fucked a new chick.
OK, fuck it.
You have been fantastic.
You too, Leo.
I'll admit it. I've been holding back.
But that's over now.
Now it's all about cock, pussy, S&M
in the woods and fucking lesbians.
Try stopping me, Middle Cat.
- Burn!
- Shut up, Baby Cat!
Come on.
Maja!
Maja!
- Time for a party!
- I'll kill your whole family, Karl!
OK. We have six hours
to organize the party of the year.
The mother-in-law of all parties.
Chris, you have to find
as much alcohol as you possibly can.
Leo, you handle the crazy shit. Here's
my card, don't tell me what you buy.
Maja, you call every girl you have
ever met in the surrounding area.
- You know more than I do.
- He's fucked 90 %% of them.
It would be kind of like Hefner,
partying with girls you've screwed.
- Fine, we both score chicks.
- Fuck you.
- Excellent.
- Maja?
- What if we don't feed the goat?
- It gets hungry.
Feed the goat!
- You should get a jacuzzi.
- More champagne?
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was invited, if...
Of course, no problem.
As long as it's been cleared
by the goat.
So...
It's good to see you.
Likewise.
- You want something to drink?
- I brought my own.
Dick or sack?
- Huh?
- Dick or sack?
Sack?
Wrong.
It was dick.
I thought you of all people would
recognize a dick when you saw one.
Hey, maybe it's time
to start calming down?
The goat needs to be fed.
It needs to.
Or else the SPCA
will get mad at us -
- and all hell will break loose.
We don't want that.
Sorry!
Listen...
I should leave now.
Do you want to walk me out?
I just have to say bye to Maja.
Thanks for tonight.
It was awesome.
I think it's best for everyone
if I go home with you.
Hello!
How are things here?
Did I wake you up?
Were you at a party last night?
All right, bye.
See you on Sunday.
There you go.
What's your name?
Mads, was it?
Mads is a super name.
How old are you?
One?
- Answer Christian.
- Two?
You don't have to answer.
Hello!
You just spilled some.
My first draft is due
in early December.
Yeah.
No, that didn't work out.
She ended up in bed with Karl.
No, it wasn't like that. They didn't
even know who the other one was.
No, mom.
It isn't...
He doesn't even know her name.
Stop.
It's no big deal.
Anyway, I have met someone else.
Yeah.
Her name is Elisa.
So that's...
Yes, she's very cool.
A very cool girl.
Hey, Karl, come here.
- That looks great.
- What?
You coming out with us tonight?
Elisa and I are meeting Maja.
You've been hanging out for weeks.
Are you an item?
- I don't know.
- What's that mean?
It means we enjoy
each other's company.
Does it have to be more complicated?
- Are you her boyfriend now?
- No.
- You're just getting the hang of this.
- You need at least one more.
Why get continually rejected,
when I can have fun with Elisa?
OK, I have a plan.
Bring Elisa, -
- and score a threesome.
She'll be game.
I don't think she's into that.
And she has her kid this weekend.
- Elisa has a kid?
- How old?
Two, maybe?
Whew!
What?
Hm?
Have you...
When?
Christ, it was like four years ago.
- It was at this crazy after-party.
- You too?
We were wasted, or stoned.
It was no big deal.
It was just for kicks.
So you and Leo fucked Elisa
at the same time?
- Was anyone else involved?
- No, just us.
- But, shit, she's smoking hot!
- It was just some drunken fun.
She would probably have told you
if she wanted you to know.
"By the way, your buddies
double-penetrated my ass."
"But I'm done with that now.
Let's do it the normal way."
Come on, Christian!
Let's go find the lesbian national
yoga team and have an eightsome.
How many have you had sex with?
What kind of a question is that?
I'm just curious.
OK.
34, I think.
Or 33.
Something like that.
Have you ever been in a threesome?
Why are you asking me that?
Over there, isn't that
that girl you made out with?
Maybe she could join us?
Christ! I thought you were serious
for a second.
What do you mean?
What, are you serious?
- OK.
- OK?
- So you're up for it?
- Yeah, sure.
I don't know.
Or...
No.
Why not?
Because...
Because I don't want to.
How about a foursome?
We can bring in Karl and Leo
and all fuck together.
Listen...
That happened ages ago, Christian.
- Why are you being like this?
- Like what?
- Like a guy who's into threesomes?
- I don't want to.
Why don't you ask
how many I have slept with?
- You know there aren't many.
- I don't care!
- Why didn't you say something?
- I didn't see it as a problem.
This is so typical!
Karl and Leo can fuck around because
they're men, but I'm a woman...
I'm not talking about what you
have done. I'm talking about us.
You're trying to force me
into a fuck orgy!
Fine, since you're beyond all that,
let's move in together.
And I can be Mads' substitute dad,
since he's so crazy about me!
Don't call me.
Out you go.
You and Kevin Danielsen were arrested.
Kevin who?
I don't know a Kevin Danielsen.
You called him -
- The Punisher last night.
Do you know him, or not?
I do.
You have been charged with violating
Penal Code section 192-A:
"Sexual intercourse accomplished
by violence or menace."
"Punishable by
up to 10 years in prison."
I suggest you get yourself a lawyer.
You will be released...
- Karl!
- I told you so!
Up you go!
You doubted your cock.
But you've just fucked with that cock,
haven't you?
Five chicks, and it isn't even
Christmas yet. Damn I'm good!
You've become
a goddam fucking machine!
I have to go get laid.
Christian?
Yes.
- Sandwich?
- Excuse me?
- Would you like a sandwich?
- No, thanks.
I've looked at what you gave me.
- This shouldn't be a problem.
- OK. What does that mean?
That means
they don't have enough evidence.
So you'll probably get off scot-free.
What if they do have enough evidence?
Then you risk some years
in the slammer.
Or a fine.
Depending on what they find.
Sure you don't want a sandwich?
Aren't you going to eat?
No, I'm not that hungry.
- Are you sick?
- No, I'm not sick.
You look sick.
It's called a hangover.
That's a grown-up sickness.
How's it going with the ladies?
Fine, I guess.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.
- Why not?
Leave Christian alone now.
Hey, how are you really doing?
I'm fine.
Just have a lot on my mind.
- I'm very proud of you.
- Stop it.
I mean it.
You've always been such a sweet boy.
No matter what you do,
I will always be proud of you.
But listen, if something has happened,
you have to be honest.
Then everything will work out.
- Duly noted.
- OK?
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Hey!
Hi, it's you.
I thought...
Never mind.
I've been thinking.
- About what?
- My case.
Shit, I forgot to tell you!
I got a call a few days ago.
All the charges have been dropped.
She wasn't up for a full trial.
I told you so.
- But I want...
- It's very common.
I want to confess.
- Why?
- Because I can't live with this.
Listen, she said she doesn't want
any more attention.
The police have to drop a rape case
if there's no victim. Case closed.
Don't force her to do something
she doesn't want to do. Again.
OK?
Put it behind you, Christian.
Happy New Year.
Christian?
Can't you come out?
We miss you.
Hi!
What's this?
This is... a prioritized list of girls'
names in case I get a daughter.
- Are you going to be a dad?
- I don't know. Maybe.
You don't have Tone there.
Mind if I add my name?
Hi.
How are you doing?
I...
Super.
Has Karl told you
how he lost his virginity?
Up by Lake Sognsvann,
with a girlfriend of mine.
Sounds amazing...
He didn't notice
that his nose started bleeding.
Her face ended up covered in blood.
Number one: Nosebleed Ellen.
Yeah.
- It isn't easy.
- You don't know the half of it.
Here.
- Is this Karl?
- Yes.
So he clearly knows
what it feels like to be rejected.
Listen,
I know Karl can be a total pain.
Personally, I've never been a fan
of his womanizing.
All those girls.
But I let it slide because
it has had a positive effect on him.
That's because
you're in love with him, Maja.
Anyway...
I know those guys can be
intense and irritating.
But staring at the ceiling and
not talking to anyone, is also bad.
If not for them, do it for me.
I need someone to talk to out there
with an IQ over 70.
- Maja?
- Hm?
I have...
Don't worry about it, Christian.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends,
and you there...
I don't know you, but I like you.
It's awesome that so many of you are
still around after all our fuck-ups.
But there is one person who has
made this a fantastic year for me.
One of my favorite people
in the whole fucking world:
Christian!
He has changed my worldview -
- with his naive kindness.
And unbeknownst to him, he has helped
me and Leo write a book -
- that will hopefully help
many desperate jerk-offs.
He has been through
a boot camp from hell -
- that makes the special forces
look like bitches.
It's been hard, dark and miserable, -
- but he rose to the occasion.
Like a fucking phoenix from the ashes!
It is a pick-up guide for men.
How to go from man on the street
to fucking machine.
123 tips, illustrated throughout with
pictures I have drawn of Christian.
I would like to dedicate
the last toast of the year -
- to Christian.
Cheers!
Christian,
don't be such a party pooper.
- Hey!
- What the hell?
Take it easy!
Christian!
Hey, boss.
Get lost.
Go away.
I thought I'd try to talk you down.
Just leave me alone.
For once.
I'm not leaving here without you.
OK.
So what is this?
- The final chapter? You save me?
- Please...
Chapter 123:
Karl the Savior
rescues Christian the Pathetic.
What do you think I am?
I think you went behind my back
and wrote a book.
You fucked someone you knew I liked.
You forced me...
Leo and I didn't force you
to do anything.
OK?
You went along voluntarily.
- After you fucked Mylian.
- Yes, I fucked Mylian.
I realized you liked her,
so I fucked her. And it helped.
- It helped?
- Yes. Say what you want.
You are a much better man
than that wimp I met six months ago.
If you keep listening to me, I can
guarantee you an awesome life.
And you know it.
I did all that to open your eyes.
To give you a chance
to avoid being constantly rejected.
Open my eyes?
You are so fucking stupid.
Just tell me what's wrong,
and I'll help you.
We raped a girl, Karl.
Me and The Punisher.
So fuck "being rejected."
- Shit, I...
- You didn't think that would happen?
Of course not.
You're an idiot.
You have wasted half your life.
Pissed it away.
You claim I don't know
how the world works.
You're the one who's forgotten
how the world works.
Don't touch me!
Hi. We have an appointment
with Christian Lunde.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hi, boss.
How's it going?
Fine.
And with you?
Let's go find the bathroom.
Seriously?
You and Maja?
Pretty sick, huh?
How did that happen?
We argued for, like, three days.
She didn't believe me, so...
I proposed.
So how are you really doing?
The doctor thinks -
- I should stay a couple more weeks.
But... I am doing fine.
Have you gotten some diagnosis?
Just your average depression.
24 out of 30 on the scale.
Listen, I would never...
I would never have pushed you
if I had known...
It's OK.
You said lots of things that...
I just wanted to...
I don't know.
I just want to apologize.
Thank you.
Anyway, I talked to our publisher.
We decided to can the entire book.
This is the last copy.
Let me know, and I'll delete it.
Could I have it?
Are you sure?
I thought it might be interesting.
To see things from your perspective.
Fuck it. Take it.
Do with it as you please.
Thanks.
There's probably
a lot of porn on there.
I mean, we're talking shitloads.
If you find any shemale stuff,
that was downloaded ironically.
Leo eventually found
the woman of his dreams...
A ten of spades
and billionaire heiress.
Stop, you little shit!
Unfortunately her mother
was also a solid nine of clubs.
Leo insists he'll soon give up
the single lifestyle.
Karl got into architecture school
and married Maja.
Their love has blossomed
since she became number 123.
They have two daughters.
To Karl's great relief, he believes
he has spied lesbian tendencies.
And Christian?
Well...
Our next guest wrote a book
about Oslo's pickup scene.
It has already sold
over 100,000 copies.
Please welcome social worker
and author Christian Lunde!
Hi there!
Hi, Christian.
Welcome!
Hi.
It's great to have you here.
- How are you?
- Great.
You had some scores to settle
with yourself.
I sure did.
It was the only right thing to do.
I had scores to settle with myself.
And with others
who had been affected.
It has to do with attraction...
Christian?
Christian!
I'll call you back.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Long time, no see.
- Truly.
- And now you're on TV.
- Yeah.
- How are you?
- I'm great.
Listen, I have an appointment.
It was great seeing you.
Don't you have two minutes
to talk to me?
Was there something in particular?
Not really.
That is, I just...
I've been wondering
if you feel that I...
Was I mean?
Did I take advantage of you somehow?
Listen.
You have nothing
to feel guilty about, OK?
OK.
That was a huge relief.
Except that you're the reason
I tried to commit suicide.
You should have seen your face.
See you later!
Hey, Christian.
Hang on!
Where are you headed?
Actually, what I'm doing
is going home -
- for a nice, long wank.