Portal to Hell (2025) Movie Script
1
Hello?
Hi.
Is this, um...
I'm looking for a Miss Gregory.
Uh-huh.
- That you?
- Yeah. That's me.
- Oh, cool. Uh, I'm Dunn.
- That was fast!
No.
I'm kidding...
I'm just kidding.
- My name is Dunn.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Oh, that's fine.
It... it happens. Um...
What can I do for you?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Uh, I'm calling
on behalf of Macklin Medical.
Oh.
Yeah, looks like you owe $667--
Jesus!
I already paid!
I explained this...
Hey!
...to the last guy--
Hey. It's okay.
No, it's not.
No, I get... I get that.
I get that,
but that's... that's why...
- that's why I'm calling.
- This is a mistake.
You know?
I'm calling to... to help you.
Really?
Yeah. That's right.
Thank you.
I'm here to help you pay
what you owe.
Let's go over some options.
- Option--
- Dunn?
Yes, ma'am.
Absolutely go fuck yourself.
Okey dokey.
Funny joke.
Let's go over
your options.
I don't wanna go over options!
Option one,
pay full amount today.
I'm not paying,
dick head.
That's what I thought.
Option two,
we can put you
on a repayment plan, okay?
That money is gonna come out
the seventh--
I got a great idea.
How about I put you
on a re-fuck-ment plan, asshole?
Please don't put
your kid on--
Hi, Dunn!
Yeah, hey, Tiff!
Hi!
How you doing?
Are you gonna hurt my dad?
Six thousand dollars
for a colonoscopy?
How about I shove
a finger up your ass,
and swirl it around--
...swirl it around!
Hey.
Hey. Hey, man, what's up?
I think there's a portal to hell
in your laundromat.
Shit.
I can see why you thought
it might be a portal to hell.
Yeah? I mean, I hate
jumping to assumptions
as much as the next guy.
Hey, Pete,
what does that look like to you?
- A portal to hell.
- Oh.
Thanks, Pete.
Thanks, Pete.
Pete knows his stuff.
He seems great.
- I'm Dunn, by the way.
- Ed.
You know, this is
my favorite laundromat? I--
Happy to hear it.
Uh, so, should we
call somebody, or...
Oh, I can't get shut down.
No, owners would kill me.
Everyone's so sensitive
after Covid, you know?
Everything's gotta be
safe, safe, safe.
It's just-- You know?
Totally.
- Can I help?
- What?
I don't know, I-- Can I help?
Uh, what if somebody
stumbles into it?
You think
the mat could be liable?
Or someone could get hurt?
Oh, f--
But, yeah, probably liable too.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Is she looking
at me? Shit.
Morning, Mr. Bobshank.
Hi, Mr. Bobshank.
Morning, Mr. Bobshank.
How are you?
Hey.
How's it going?
How about this weather, huh?
Oh! Look out, caterpillar!
What?
Right there. Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I almost missed her.
It's just a caterpillar.
Well, if I drown her,
she'll never be a butterfly.
Are you okay, son?
Why? Portal to hell?
What? No.
I heard yelling last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. Really sorry.
That... that might
have been work.
How's that going?
It's great.
Sounds pretty fucking shitty
to me.
Seeing people at their worst?
Yeah, there's some...
bad people.
In my experience,
they're all bad people
when they owe money.
Not the good ones.
You really think there are just
good people and bad people?
Two big buckets?
Yes.
It's none of my business.
Life's too short
to be miserable.
Oh, that reminds me.
How's your, um...
how's your cancer going?
Still terminal.
It won't be long.
I'm so sorry--
I shouldn't have
brought that up.
That's just... I-- Can I...?
You know,
can I... can I help with...
can I... can I help with it?
Can you cure cancer?
Oh, I don't--
No. I...
No.
Then no.
Okay, right.
Um...
I... I... I'm sorry,
I... I didn't...
I didn't mean to.
Look, look, it's... it's fine.
I'm not offended.
All right.
And even if I was,
I'm gonna be dead soon
from the goddamn cancer.
Because of the cancer.
Um, I'll... I'll text you?
Yeah, uh, maybe.
Did you say...
a portal to hell?
Hello?
Hello?
- Mr. Pepperdine?
- Yeah.
- Hey, it's Dunn.
- Again?
I'm calling on behalf of--
Didn't I already tell you
to fuck off?
Yes! You sure did.
You told me that last week.
And looks like, uh...
Dammit. This fucking--
Pre... previous seven weeks
you said the same thing.
You said, "Fuck you!"
And I was like... I was like,
"No, but you owe
this money still."
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
Uh-huh, I'm following up
on those conversations,
and just seeing
if you have that money...
...that you owe.
You're calling
from an L.A. area code?
What?
I'm in LA.
How's the weather?
Are you honestly
dumb enough
to use your personal phone?
What, are you freelance?
I'm an independent contractor,
actually.
Legally, I don't know.
I'm a bad guy,
you understand?
You live alone?
Do I--
- I don't have roommates.
- Good.
So, here's what's
gonna happen, Dunn.
I'm gonna find you,
and I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Now, I just Googled
your number,
and here's
the first address that came up.
Five Six Two Seven Magnolia--
Anything new?
Nah.
Hey, you want my number?
Why?
Oh, uh...
in ca... in case you need help
with the...
Oh!
No, I'm not really a big texter.
Right.
Why is this even happening?
Why this laundromat?
Why me?
Should we figure it out?
You wanna throw something in?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
- Do you have something?
- Yeah.
Have you opened it yet?
God, no, I don't go near it.
What?
You'll probably
be fine, Dunn. Go.
Yeah, probably.
Okay.
Fucking do it.
Okay, okay!
I don't think
we should throw anything in.
Abort. Abort, abort, abort.
Yeah.
So, I think that, like,
we sort of felt the portal out,
you know?
Hmm. Yeah.
Like, it... it knows
where we stand.
We know where it stands. Yeah.
Should we close it?
That depends.
Are you fucking crazy?
Well, we can't leave it open.
Someone could get hurt.
I'm not going near it.
You're scared?
I'm not scared.
Then go close it.
Just go at it
from, like, the side.
You go at it, like,
from the side.
You're the sideler.
I'm a what?
Yeah, you're a sideler.
What is--
You come up...
you come up on people's side.
What is that?
Whatever.
Is that a thing?
You're real, so it's real.
I think
you should just go close it.
I think you should
just go close it!
- Just go close it.
- You go close it!
Oh.
I would have done it.
I know you would have.
Ed, prelap:
Sorry, why are we doing this?
Rules. Figure out
the Portal Rules.
Why do we need
to know the rules?
'Cause then we can figure out
why is there a portal to hell?
What does it want?
And how to get rid of it?
Oh, you... you wanna get rid
of it, right?
I mean,
it hasn't done anything to me.
What about the people
doing laundry?
The people doing--
- You think I could get fired?
- It's a portal to hell.
Allegedly.
We don't know that for sure.
I'm glad you brought that up.
'Cause we don't know, do we?
It does kind of have
an orange glow.
I think
if it was a portal to heaven,
it would be, like,
more, like, blue, white...
happy.
The screams
are a big giveaway too.
Could be screams of joy.
Could be.
But if it is a portal to hell,
and it does do something,
I think we should figure out
these rules.
- Backup plan.
- Yeah.
- Love that.
- Okay, here's what we got.
It's an "alleged"
portal to hell...
- and it could open on its own.
- Mm-hmm.
That's it?
Oh, yeah, for now.
What we don't know...
Fuck.
...is it a one way?
You know? Are things going in...
...or is something coming out?
You have two saved messages.
- Message one.
- Hey, bro!
Okay, just had an idea
for the place.
What if we got,
like, neon signs?
Like, everywhere.
Cause I've been watching
a ton of streamers,
and they have them
all over their walls.
It looks so sick,
because I've been thinking...
I've been thinking, like,
what if I started
streaming again?
You know, 'cause I... I... I...
I think it's like, you know,
maybe that would be...
...something, you know,
for me to do, so, um...
You know what?
It's probably stupid,
or whatever, but, um...
Uh, anyway,
I... I know you're busy,
so, just, uh... just give me
a call back whenever,
um, I'm around.
So, love you. Okay. Bye.
You do
a lot of laundry, man.
Thanks.
That's not a--
Yeah. Okay. What?
Something came out.
Okay.
What is it?
It-- Sulfur.
Definitely demonic.
Oh, definitely.
I think it's better
if I stay with the laundromat.
Are you sure?
'Cause I'd feel a lot safer
if you came with me right now.
I--
Well, just in case
it returns, right?
Protect the customers.
Customers?
I... I think
I'm the only one here, um...
I mean, you never know, right?
So...
Right. Uh, yeah, I just...
I really prefer not to be alone,
you know?
Okay.
You'll be all right though.
Just go ahead, okay?
Just go. Just go.
You know,
I just don't think it's in here.
I know. Mm-hmm.
I think it's out here, you know?
I think you're right.
Just go for it. You got it.
I just... I just--
I need your help.
Go.
You're gonna s-- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Ooh!
Oh, sugar fuck.
Are you from the portal to hell?
What gave me away?
Um...
how's--
I'm Dunn.
Okay.
No, no, my name... Dunn.
Hi, I'm Chip.
- What's all this about, Chip?
- What, you mean me?
Or, uh, life in general?
- The portal.
- Oh, the portal!
Well, there's a man
who lives up the street,
and soon he'll be dead.
- And you're gonna...?
- Drag him to hell?
- Okay, right.
- Sure.
Yeah, literally. It's my job.
- Wait.
- What?
- It's not Mr. Bobshank, is it?
- It is.
That's who I'm here for.
How'd you know?
- He's the best guy ever.
- I agree.
Why is he going to hell?
Well, he hurt someone bad,
and he knows it.
He's a good person.
- He smokes outside. He...
- Nice.
...has plants.
- Names all of them.
- See? That's lovely.
He said "hello" to me
four times, unprompted.
Well, really, three.
I think one time
he was just saying
he was done
with something, but I...
- I still count it.
- You should.
He's full
of information and advice.
He talks to me even though...
He doesn't wanna.
I know he doesn't want to.
He doesn't wanna.
He's tough
to crack, but...
If it's not hard,
what's the point, you know?
He owes a debt.
Can I help him pay it?
You wanna make a deal?
Not really. I--
But, you know,
I don't wanna leave Mr. Bobshank
high and dry.
Tell you what.
Give me three souls. Three.
Three...
people?
Three souls,
or Bobshank will burn,
and the world will end.
The world's gonna end too?
If it makes you
feel better,
sure, why not?
Can they be bad people?
I don't give a shit.
I defer to you.
Actually, you know what?
You know that song that goes...
- Yeah, that one! Who sings that?
- Ah, shit. Who is that?
- Hot Chelle Rae.
- Hot Chelle Rae!
It's been stuck in my head.
It's fucking earworm.
It's a banger.
You throw any of those guys
in the portal,
we're good.
Are they bad people?
They're musicians.
So, yeah, probably.
Right, okay.
- Hey Chip?
- Yeah, Dunn?
Why are you doing this?
Giving Mr. Bobshank
a second chance?
Eh, why not?
Dunn.
What's up, Mr. Bobshank?
You got, uh...
something on your mind?
No.
Great.
Hey, you think it's okay to...
do something bad...
to help someone... good?
Ah, Jesus.
Look...
depends on how good
the person is.
The best.
How bad the bad is?
The worst.
Does this have anything to do
with that portal to hell?
Uh, you... you want my advice?
More... more than anything? Yes.
Find another laundromat.
I like that laundromat.
Let me tell you something
that my dad told me.
Words to live by.
Sounds really deep.
"Watch your own dick, son."
- Sorry, what?
- "Watch your own dick."
Don't worry about
your neighbor's dick,
what the guy over there
is doing.
We all got our own dick
to worry about.
Ladies got their own dicks
to worry about.
You can't go around trying
to save everybody else's dick,
poking your dick
into other dick's business.
What if...
what if someone's dick
is in trouble?
- Did they ask you for help?
- No.
Then watch your own dick.
What if... what if someone's...
what if someone's dick...
doesn't know it needs help?
Are you talking about me?
What? No, no.
You sure?
'Cause I swear to fucking God
it sounds like
you're talking about me.
I'm not talking about you.
Well, if it is me--
It's not you.
If it is me--
It's not you.
You watch your own dick!
It's not-- Okay, yeah, got it.
God dammit.
It's not you.
Watch your own dick!
Oh, God, he's so...
Dunn, prelap: I'm sorry.
I really am.
I can't kill people.
Not even for Mr. Bobshank.
I'm just not a bad person.
You know, I work
in the debt business.
I would imagine it's similar.
And, uh, I'm my own boss.
Not really. But, you know,
sometimes we get
bad information,
and maybe that's what this is.
Maybe it's a mistake.
Dunn?
One sec.
Yeah.
That's me. What's up?
David.
Hey, David.
David Pepperdine.
David Pepperdine?
What are you doing here?
I came here to fuck you up.
Please don't.
Um, it's not safe for you here.
- What... what is that?
- We should get out of here.
What are you doing?
Uh, uh, nothing,
but we... we should go.
I ain't going nowhere, man.
Let's go someplace safe,
and go over
your repayment options.
No!
Oh, God, it hurts!
- David!
- It hurts!
- Hold on, Mr. Pepperdine!
- Oh, dear God!
His leg...
I don't know, I...
I just feel better.
Like, the... the cancer
is eating away at you
less quickly.
Hmm.
Fuck. I... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought--
Uh, look. look,
it's... it's okay, it's okay.
It... it is like the...
Like, "The cancer
is eating away at me
less quickly."
That's great.
About your cancer.
Um...
did anything happen to you?
Lot of things happen to me.
I mean...
Are you all there?
If I can put you
on this payment plan.
Twelve months, no interest.
It's gonna be cheaper
in the long run.
Um...
I promise you that.
Okay. Yeah.
Let's do it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
If it's gonna save me money.
Okay, great.
- I'll email you right now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Yup.
You too.
Hello.
Hello? Can--
Fuck. Can you hear...?
- Hello?
- Fuck.
Come on! Oh!
Oh, there you are, I gotcha!
Can you hear me?
David Pepperdine?
No, it's Chip, man.
We met in the alley
the other night.
The... the demon?
You wanna talk to David?
No, no,
I don't wanna talk to David.
No talk to David.
Here, I'll put him on.
No, please don't put him on.
Please! Make it stop!
No, he'll be fine,
he'll be fine.
What do you want?
Well, in the long term?
Two more souls.
Was that not clear?
I'm just calling
to say congratulations.
- For what?
- Killing Davey.
I didn't think
you had it in you.
I saw... I saw you... I saw--
Like, "This is a good guy."
"Definitely not a murderer."
That was a big misread.
I'm not a bad guy.
It's fine, buddy.
We're demons.
You don't have to lie,
not to me.
I'm proud of you.
One down, two to go.
- It was an accident.
- Accident, shma-ccident.
Look, I mean, once you do one,
you know?
Look, it makes
no difference to us
after the first one.
It's kind of like
losing your virginity.
You might as well go nuts.
Sounds great.
We'll follow up with you
next week.
All right.
Oh, my God. What...
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I haven't checked
the cameras yet.
This portal was fun at first,
but... fuck.
Sorry. Cameras?
Yeah.
That's amazing.
'Cause then you'll know
exactly what happened.
Yeah.
I'll check the security feed
once I'm done,
and just depending
what's on there,
I will call the cops.
You haven't called them yet?
I can't get shut down, man!
Are we even sure this is blood?
Tough to tell.
What are you...
what are you doing?
Nothing.
You gonna try
to push me into the portal--
You just did it again!
Okay.
Um... Uh, no, I wouldn't.
What the fuck, man?
Okay, okay.
You're right, you're right.
Okay, listen, listen, listen.
Fuck!
Uh, no, no, no. Okay.
Can we just please
go somewhere to talk?
Sure.
Okay.
Just stop trying to push me
into the portal to hell.
I wasn't.
Three people.
Three.
Or one of the members
of the band, Hot Chelle Rae.
Oh. Who are you trying to save?
Just my neighbor with cancer
and the whole planet.
Mr. Bobshank?
You know Mr. Bobshank?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he does laundry
on Thursdays.
Thursdays?
He was, like,
a big businessman
back in the day.
And he gave all his money
to charity, and...
- I don't know. He's the best.
- He is the best.
So, makes sense.
But, you know...
I don't know
where I'm gonna find
two more bad people
to throw into the portal.
Everyone in Los Angeles
has been so nice and genuine.
Why don't you have them
come to you?
What do you mean?
Yeah.
Catch a predator.
Post some shit.
See what monster turns up.
That's really smart.
Right?
Like really smart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey.
"Why don't you take a seat
right over here?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh... "Oh, hey, how ya doin'?
Uh, why don't you take a seat?"
"Um, hey,
why don't you take a seat
right over here?"
"Got you a stool right here."
"Take a seat."
"Take a seat."
"Just take a seat."
"Take a seat right over here."
"Take a seat."
"Take a seat,
take a seat, take a seat."
Dude, that's such a good idea.
"Why don't you
take a seat?"
You done?
Starving.
Sup, bud?
You, uh...
you wanna buy some coke?
Nope.
You cool?
I think so.
I think you're pretty cool too,
so, uh...
here's my card
in case you change your mind.
Hey, tell them
you wanna have sex.
Yeah. That's it-- Work.
Well-- That's what.
Watch this.
Yeah.
"Bring... flowers."
"I'm... classy."
That's really good
but really gross.
Oh, looks like
we got a little nibble.
That fast? Who is it?
- VadgeBadger69.
- Vadge Badger.
- Gross.
- Real sicko.
Sending our exact address.
Okay.
Hey, do you ever get,
um, lonely?
No.
Yeah.
I don't either.
You, um...
...you like that girl?
Which girl?
The girl with the hair.
And I think she does laundry
on Tuesdays.
She seems kind of sad.
The woman from 2B?
Morgan.
Morgan.
Why do you think she seems sad?
Oh, shit.
He's here.
Oh, shit. I think it's a woman.
Can confirm. It's a woman.
Vadge Badger makes
a lot more sense now.
Yeah.
Are we, uh...?
I think so.
No, I... I don't think so.
I think we have to abort.
What? Why?
Because it's a woman.
We can't kill her.
Honestly, man,
I think it's more sexist
if we don't shove her
into the portal to hell.
I don't know.
Would you kill a male pedophile?
Okay, right.
Okay.
If we kill a male pedo,
it's only fair
we kill a female pedo.
Equality and stuff, you know?
Yeah, equality, right.
She's gotta die.
Okay, I'm gonna get
into position.
Okay.
Don't forget to say it.
Oh, no.
I'm... I'm not gonna say--
- Who are you?
- I'm Dunn.
Okay.
What are you doing here, Dunn?
What are you doing here,
VadgeBadger69?
What the fuck!
What... what the fuck
is going on here?
And... and what is wrong
with that dryer?
That's... that's not normal.
Fuck.
Why don't you just take a seat?
What?
Yeah.
Up here.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
Um, I do need to apologize...
...about earlier.
I hesitated, you know,
and that's just...
Nobody dislikes sexism
as much as I do, okay?
Just-- Don't worry about it.
I just want you to--
You know we all make mistakes.
Okay. Good. Good.
What do we do now?
Man.
Yeah.
And then... and then, I said it.
Shit.
I said, "You heard me, right?"
You were like-- You were--
"Is that why you went?"
Oh, yeah, you were like...
And then I--
I was like... I was like,
"Would you take a seat?"
"You take a seat."
And then you were like...
"Whoosh!"
And then she went... Yeah!
Boom! Right in there.
Oh, that was like--
That was so crazy!
Take it! Really crazy!
You wanna grab a beer?
Oh, no, man.
'Cause I...
because I feel like I should...
'cause I feel like I should
maybe go back in there,
and... and just clean up
the evidence, I think.
Are you sure?
'Cause that one
was really clean.
There's, like, nothing in there.
Yeah.
It's pretty clean,
but I feel like
just better be safe than sorry,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, okay. Okay. Sure.
That's fine.
Anyway... Yeah.
Whoo!
No, no, no, man,
I saw it, it was crazy!
- Ed is really cool.
- Yeah, she's all right.
Hey, you wanna talk to Daphne?
Who's Daphne?
VadgeBadger69.
Oh. No way, man.
- I'm not a big pedophile fan.
- No, she's not a pedophile.
What... what'd you say?
I mean,
she liked them young, for sure,
but she never went
the distance, you know?
Tonight would have been
her first.
But she would have done it?
Well, probably, yeah.
Or, uh...
or she would have looked
that kid in the eye,
got the help she needed,
and turned her life around,
then helped others
to do the same!
Saved countless kids!
Some people need to go
right up to the edge
before they can change.
Definitely would have done
one of the two options.
Telling you, 50/50.
Oh, Je... oh, Jesus.
Yeah, she probably
would have done it, man.
She definitely would have--
Don't you worry about it!
She's a total pedo!
- Yeah.
- She's gross.
- Okay.
- Yeah. She's gross, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah she would have.
Yeah, yeah.
- She would have done it.
- Yeah.
- You still there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.
- Hey, Chip?
- Yeah.
What do you want?
I want you
to get a third soul!
No, I mean, like...
I mean,
I'm sure you've got portals
all over, right? But...
what do you want?
What do you want, Dunn?
To save Mr. Bobshank.
No, no, no, I mean you.
Once Mr. Bobshank is saved,
what do you actually want?
I lost someone.
I know.
- Someone close.
- Yeah.
I never really...
Hey! Shut the fuck up!
- Sorry, Mr. Bobshank!
- Sorry, Mr. Bobshank.
Tell him I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I gotta go.
- Yeah, I gotta go too.
- Yeah, me, too.
- All right.
I'll talk to you.
Yeah. Later.
Hey.
You all right, kid?
Yeah. It's--
Sorry, I was just thinking about
my dead brother.
Oh.
Well...
No, it's...
Fuck.
It's fine. We--
I shouldn't have
brought that up.
No, um...
Uh, you just came out
with it, huh?
We don't have
to talk about it. It's...
It... it's just, uh...
- I'm sorry. I'm so--
It's... -00 a.m.?
You're right, I'm sorry.
He killed himself.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, sorry.
Listen...
do you think he's in hell?
I mean, um...
Good people make
bad decisions, you know?
That's not...
Look, I... I... I know
what you think, but...
morality is...
just a push.
What does that even mean?
It-- Look.
You take a farmboy
who's never hurt a fly...
put him through basic,
put a rifle in his hand.
Tell him that the Vietcong
will destroy
everyone he's ever loved.
He's a killer...
and a good guy.
You...
put a good person...
in a bad situation...
all it takes
is the slightest push.
Were you in Vietnam?
Is there something
you wanna ask me, son?
No.
Yes. What did you do
that was so bad--
What did I tell you?
Remember what I told you.
"All farmboys are killers."
Not what I said.
No, not that.
All farmboys are killers.
Dunn, prelap: Ed, he's bad.
He's bad.
Yeah, speaking of bad guys,
check it.
I'm a good person, okay?
Yeah, but you a bad man.
You know what I mean?
I don't know what you mean.
Never do.
You got, like, a dragon
deep down
that weird little dungeon
of yours.
Why don't you play
your murder video, huh?
Boot it up!
Hey.
God. All right. Fine.
What did he do?
He sells cocaine.
That's basically
a public service.
He cheats on his girlfriend.
She's amazing.
I mean, who doesn't?
Also, how do you even know
they're dating?
He spends the night.
He spends the night a lot.
It doesn't mean
they're dating.
I spend the night
with tons of women.
Really?
Yeah.
How many?
- Tons.
- Mm-hmm.
What the f--
I don't... I don't know.
He's a pedophile.
- What? Really?
- A hundred percent.
How do you know?
Cause...
I saw him cheating
on his girlfriend
with a little boy.
- Oh, that's fucking awful.
- It's terrible.
Um... Okay, fine, yeah.
Yes!
I'll... I'll leave
the mat open.
Oh, you're...
you're not gonna help me?
I'm kind of wiped out
on throwing people
through the portal.
Okay.
Yo.
Yo, it's Dunn.
Yeah, I live up, uh...
right up there
by your girlfriend.
Yeah, I see her every day.
Uh... and--
Well, what's up, man?
Sup, Rip? Is that--
Am I saying that right? Rip.
R.I.P--
Why don't you rip over here,
and sell me
some drugs, motherfucker?
Hell yeah.
Yeah, of course I do drugs.
Of course I...
of course I do drugs...
do drugs... do drugs.
Of course I do drugs.
I probably sent
more shit up my ass
than you've ever seen, man.
Hey, Rip.
Who's this?
Is this... is this Rip?
Who's asking?
Oh, hey, uh,
how are you doing? This--
Wow.
Your voice is really clear.
What, uh... what are you using?
Oh, yeah,
it's, um... it's the A1000.
A1000.
I just-- Yeah.
Okay, hold on,
let me write that down.
How are they?
They're the best.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Wait, who is this?
Oh, this is Dunn.
Dunn who?
Just Dunn.
Uh, I live in your girlfriend's
apartment building, you know,
and then, uh, we... we met
at the... at the...
at the burger spot.
Uh, you gave me
- your drug dealer card, and...
- Oh, I did.
Yeah, I remember you.
Yeah. Yep.
You're the one
who kind of, um...
- Yep. I'm-- Yep. That's me.
- The Sideler.
Um, okay, yeah.
I'd like to buy some drugs.
Came to the right guy.
What do you want?
Yeah, sure.
Just...
So, do you want, like...
Just the drugs.
...a little bit of everything?
Yeah--
A bit of everything.
Exactly right.
That's what I need, uh,
from you.
Okay, hold on,
let me, uh...
- Is that okay?
- Let me-- Yeah.
Of course it's all right.
Times are fucking tough.
Okay, perfect, yeah.
And then can...
can you... can you meet me
at the, uh... at the laundromat
down the street
from the apartment building?
- For the drugs?
- Laundromat? Fuck.
What's wrong with your place?
Oh, what's wrong with my place?
My place is, uh...
You know what, man?
There's cameras.
They're fucking everywhere, man.
- And, uh...
- Oh, yeah?
...we wouldn't want that,
you know,
if we're doing
this kind of stuff.
Oh, that's a good call.
Um, fuck it.
Yeah, I'll be there
in, like, an hour.
Yeah, perfect.
Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, I'll see you there.
Be careful.
- What up, buddy?
- Hey.
Oh, would you look at that?
It's drug o'clock.
Hey. Perfect.
Is that a portal to hell?
I'm so sorry.
How did you know
I was a Satanist?
Is that why you brought me here?
Huh? Be honest.
Jacket gave me away, huh?
Yep.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
This is amazing!
How long has it been here?
I don't know... I don't know.
We should...
uh, we should... we should go.
What? No way.
Yeah. Yeah, no,
you could... you could get hurt.
Look, I ride a motorcycle, bro.
It's so cool.
And I don't wear a helmet.
Why do you carry a helmet then?
So, people know
I ride a motorcycle
even when I'm not on it.
Okay.
I'm not afraid
of a little danger.
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
you don't understand.
Yeah, I understand fine.
No, no, no,
I was gonna push you in!
I brought you here
to push you in.
Okay.
Buddy, I'm going in
whether you push me in or not.
What do you mean?
You have the perfect life.
I hate my life, man.
What do I have to live for?
I'm just a coke dealer.
What about Morgan?
2B?
She's whatever.
I see the way you look at her.
You can have her.
Hmm, I just feel like
she should be involved
in that decision.
God. Man!
It's fine. I--
Oh, I'm such a dick.
No you're not.
No, I am, I am, I am, I am.
No. No, you're not.
It was just a mistake.
Every day here is pain.
Maybe it will be different
in there.
Uh... that's hell, so...
This...
this is hell.
I'm sorry.
But I'm not a good guy.
No.
I haven't been
for quite some time.
No, no.
No, no, no, please.
Oh, please don't.
Take care of her for me, yeah?
Oh, he's talking about his bike.
You have two saved messages.
Message two.
Hey, man, I, uh... I... I think
I'm gonna book a flight
for next week.
I, uh... I checked out,
you know,
a couple airlines,
but, um, it should be fine.
Oh, I also...
I also, uh, checked out
a few of those neon signs,
and, uh, they're looking, like,
a 100 bucks on Amazon,
so, we can get whatever we want.
You know, kitchen, beer,
Kevin's room, Dunn's room.
Yeah, whatever. So, um...
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm sure...
that the new job
has... has been crazy.
You know,
you're... you're doing great.
Yeah. I'm proud of you.
I can't wait
to be there, man, L.A.!
It's gonna be...
it's gonna be good to see you.
You know, I, uh... I love you.
I'll... I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, bye.
Bobshank, prelap:
Hey, Dunn, how's it hangin'?
You're looking good.
Oh! Feel good.
The doctor gave me
this new pill.
New pill?
And I feel...
Fuck, man,
I feel 20 years younger.
That's great.
You look great.
Hello.
Hey, Ms. Gregory,
it's Dunn again.
I'm following up on your debt
- you owe to Macklin Medical.
- For fuck's sake.
I blocked your number.
Yeah, well, blocking my number
doesn't change the fact
- that you still owe 667--
- I don't have it.
I... I'm sorry, I...
I... I just--
I don't have the money.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I... I got sick.
Uh, you know, I... I... I mean,
maybe you don't know, but--
I mean, I fell behind
'cause, like, you know,
I had to go to hospital,
and those are bills.
Are you a good person?
Shit, I hope so.
I... I mean,
I definitely try to be,
- you... you know?
- Right.
Are you still there?
I'll take care of it.
It's $700.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry about it.
Really? Are you sure?
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much, Dunn.
Um...
What's going on?
Listen, I really hope
you feel better.
I don't know,
he says he's gonna pay it.
- Why's he doing that?
- I don't know.
- Dunn, prelap: I got you.
- Is this a joke?
Mr. G, if this is a joke,
it sure as shrimp ain't funny.
This is Rip.
Hey, uh, where've you been? I--
Voicemail.
Got ya!
I'm probably riding my bike.
Leave a message or whatever.
No, Mr. Donaldson,
if you could pay me back...
...we wouldn't
be here in the first place.
I'm really sorry
I told you to go
on a re-fuck-ment plan.
No, that was funny.
I didn't go on one though.
Yeah, they... they don't exist.
I know.
So, we are filing
a missing persons report
for your boyfriend?
Yeah, I mean...
we, uh, hadn't had
that talk yet,
but, um...
he spent
the night a lot.
It's still here?
Hey! Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I said one, right?
One. Come on.
Yeah, portal's still here.
Quietly, confidently
doing portal shit.
I got three.
What's that now?
I got to three.
Sorry.
All right, look, man,
why don't you, um...
Yeah, why don't...
why don't you just give me
your number, all right?
And then I'll just text you
if anything changes.
Lost my phone.
Still here.
Beer.
Beer. Two beers.
Two beers-- Three beers!
Three, three.
Three beers, please.
Thank you, my friend.
Hey, yeah, buddy, how are you?
Good, thanks.
Good, good.
Hey.
Hey.
It's me. You got me.
Listen, man,
the last guy that found me...
- didn't work out for him.
- You mean Davey?
Chip?
Ta-da!
What are you doing here?
I had to make a possession.
I thought I'd fuck two rats
with one stick.
What?
You don't have
that expression here?
No. What's with the suit?
It's funny.
Hey, you wanna go
in the bathroom and fuck?
What the fuck
is the matter with you?
No, I don't wanna fuck.
Why?
Because!
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
No.
No!
Yeah, no. Abso--
No!
I don't wanna fuck a guy in a--
Are you out of your mind?
All right, it was just a test.
You passed.
Fuck.
Why are you here?
Well, I tried calling you,
but it just went straight
to voicemail.
Threw my phone in a river.
Well, that's the rational thing
to do, I suppose.
Listen, man,
you got your three...
and I'm really sorry
none of them
were in Hot Chelle Rae, but--
Yeah, well, I think
we're all sorry about that.
It didn't take.
What does that mean,
"It didn't take"?
- Wasn't enough, I guess.
- You guess?
- We had a deal, man.
- No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
No, no, no, you said,
"I don't want to make a deal."
I said
I didn't wanna make a deal,
but I didn't want
Mr. Bobshank to die.
Did you sign anything
in blood, huh?
That's a Faustian bargain.
We didn't even shake hands.
- No, I didn't.
- No.
You didn't.
Listen, I know
how hard you worked...
killing those three people
in cold blood.
Chip, you gotta stop
saying that.
I didn't kill anyone.
So you say.
Come on, buddy,
can't you do anything?
I don't have that kind of power.
What, are you fucked?
Look, I'm not my own boss
like you.
I wish.
Can't you go to...
Lucy?
Yeah.
No.
He doesn't make decisions.
What about God?
God's an asshole.
I don't wanna give you
too big a peek
behind the curtain,
but God and the devil,
they don't choose.
- Then who does?
- You do.
You pick where you go.
Well, yeah, sure.
If we're good or bad,
with our actions, we choose--
No, not with your actions,
with how you weigh your actions.
And Bobshank, well...
he weighed his sins
pretty heavily.
He just needs
to forgive himself.
Pretty much.
I thought
he would weigh two souls.
Two souls, three at the most.
Okay, three and a half.
Three and a ginger.
Three and a twin.
Like this guy.
How many beers
do you think it would take
for this guy to get drunk?
Two, three, five, ten?
There's only one way
to find out.
That's to start drinking.
Two.
It takes two. The point is...
there are a lot of pricks
up in heaven.
Dicks who...
never looked at themselves
in the mirror.
But hell?
There's a lot
of good guys in hell.
They made mistakes...
and they owned up to them.
And like they say,
"The road to, uh...
you know, is paved
with good intentions."
But don't beat yourself up
about this.
You tried.
You tried. That's more
than most people can say.
- So, that's it?
- Yeah.
Unless you wanna kill
a fourth.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
That would be bananas.
That would be...
that would be stupid...
finishing what you started.
Hey, you sure you don't wanna
fuck this guy in the bathroom?
I'm sure I don't wanna fuck--
It'll be fun.
No.
All right.
I'm out of here.
You call me, okay?
Don't be a stranger.
I'm always around.
What? Jesus Christ.
What is...
what is... what is it?
Hey, Mr. Bobshank.
You're looking really healthy.
Um...
You wanna come in?
Yeah. Thanks.
What is it?
What did you do?
What did I do?
Yeah.
You did something.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
You hurt someone once.
How do you know about that?
I don't, not really. I just...
I just know it happened.
What do you want?
Money?
No.
I want you to forgive yourself.
You--
What a fucking unusual thing
to say.
Just...
Please, just do it.
I can't.
I used to live
with this burden, uh...
guilt.
I'd think about it all day.
All day I'd think about it.
These past few weeks,
not so much.
But it's still there,
still with me.
In the back of my mind,
this... this little voice.
That's great. You know, just...
get rid of it.
No, I won't.
I wouldn't be the same
without it...
without the little...
the little voice.
But it's smaller?
Smaller isn't gone.
But it's close, man.
Close to what?
You think one more might help?
What?
Nothing, um...
Uh, the place looks nice.
Uh...
What... what are you doing?
Bye, Mr. Bobshank.
Thanks.
What?
What are you gonna do?
I need your help.
Yeah, I'm leaving.
Bobshank needs one more.
I just-- I...
I live here.
Me too.
No.
Like, in the mat. I live here.
Yeah.
Yeah. Owners don't know.
It's cool.
Not really.
You know, I'm around this thing
all the time,
and I just think...
that I know
the longer we're around it,
the more we belong in it.
I don't understand.
What if the portal
didn't come here for Bobshank?
Hmm? What if
it came here for us?
No, we're good.
We're the good guys.
Are we?
Yeah.
'Cause I pushed that girl in.
And for what?
'Cause she said something
I didn't like on the internet?
And now, I just go around
pretending like she's...
she just doesn't exist.
And I can't...
I can't... I can't...
I can't keep pretending, man.
Just give me till tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will be as far away
from that thing as possible.
And you should be too.
I can't.
I can't let him down.
I know.
Leave.
Hey.
Hey.
Need help with something?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, do you have, uh, duct tape?
And then, like, uh, zip ties,
you know?
And then, like,
a blindfold-- Um...
A burlap sack, actually,
is what I need,
like a...
just to... to put stuff in.
I don't know, just normal stuff.
Like, everyday...
everyday st... everyday stuff
that you put in, like, a bag.
Just sack stuff.
But it's gotta be,
like, a dark color.
Or it doesn't--
You just can't see, uh...
I don't want people to see
the stuff in my bag.
That's-- Yeah.
I don't want people
to see the stuff
that's in the bag.
Like, i-- i-- if I was carrying
this stuff around,
the stuff I'm gonna buy,
I wouldn't want people to see.
Not for any reason, like,
other than--
It's just gotta be--
Can't see through it.
Aisle six.
- All that stuff is on aisle six?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, um...
It's...
Chloroform?
Fuck.
Cups, cups, cups,
and more fucking cups.
And coaster-less drinks.
Fantastic.
- Yo, dude. What's up?
- Fuck!
I've been looking
for you, man.
- What's up, buddy?
- Where you been?
Just making a drink.
All right, Mr. Alchemist,
come on out when you're done.
Everyone's waiting on you.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Guys, he's coming out.
He's gonna be out here
in a second.
He has no idea
I'm gonna ask him to play.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Bro.
Come on. No. Come on, come on.
Bro?
- Bro.
- Come on, it's a vibe.
Yeah, and there's nothing
vibey-er than my guy
laying his heart in his music.
Come on, man.
I don't have a pick.
It'll be great.
Well, if you don't have a pick,
that sounds like an excuse.
- So, pick another one.
- I hate you.
I love you!
Guys, he's gonna play!
He's gonna play, okay?
All right, um...
this is... this is...
a fan favorite.
It's a fan favorite.
Hey, man.
I thought you were gonna play
'Tonight, Tonight'?
Listen, you know
I'm not gonna do that.
You know I'm not gonna do that.
And you know that
I'm gonna continue
to ask you to do it
until you do,
because it's my birthday
tonight,
tonight is the night
of my birthday.
Your party you threw
for yourself?
I haven't been laid-- Yes!
And everyone showed up!
It's great. Look!
Even the girl that--
I haven't been laid.
I don't wanna play
the fucking song, man!
God. I mean, fuck.
Okay.
All right, all right.
I'll play it.
He's gonna play it!
Hey, everybody.
- Uno, dos, tres!
- Uno, dos, tres!
Maybe he didn't hear it.
- Uno, dos, tres!
- Uno, dos, tres!
Fuck her, man.
- Thank fucking God.
- Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, dude.
I can-- I live here too.
Dovin, Dovin, Dovin, Dovin.
I gotta it, boy. Stay.
Do I get a treat later
if I stay?
See how cool was that?
What's up, man?
That chloroform?
You're a heavy little fucker.
Stop! Please stop.
What is that?
Is that a portal to hell?
Hell yeah.
Oh, don't drag me to that.
Will you just chill?
- Fuck, man.
- Okay. Sorry.
Look, I'm a good person.
Honestly, I mean.
I'm not perfect.
I've made mistakes,
but... I'm... I'm good.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- They put you up to this?
- Who's "they"?
The Jews
who run the music industry.
- Okay.
- Oh, fuck, I knew it.
Come on, man.
Stop!
Hey, Dunn,
what are you...
what are you doing?
I'm throwing this guy
in the portal to hell.
What did he do?
He's a bad guy.
He's anti-Semitic.
He's in a band.
What? Oh.
What-- No, no, no, no, no.
Who... who... who decides that?
You can't throw people away
just because they made
a mistake.
That's almost exactly
what I've been doing.
This isn't the first one?
Dunn...
How many?
Oh, God.
Three...
You've killed three people?
Why would you kill three people?
For you! I did it for you.
And the world was gonna end.
Maybe, I don't know.
But if I didn't do this,
they were gonna drag you
to hell.
They should have, Dunn.
You can't buy forgiveness
for what I did.
It's not a transaction.
Yes it is.
It's three souls,
or one member of Hot Chelle Rae,
and you're good.
Oh, God.
What the fuck
is a Hot Chelle Rae?
It's actually
kind of a funny story--
Hey, bro,
would you shut up?
Okay. Okay, okay.
Just shut up.
What am I doing?
The reason that
they're gonna drag me to hell...
Is because I deserve it.
And no number of people
that you could throw
into that machine would...
would change that.
Do you wanna throw him in
a little bit?
No.
See how you feel?
No!
- My brother died.
- I know.
He hung himself.
I moved here, and, uh...
he was gonna move in with me.
I lost track.
All day, I call people
who fucking hate me.
I couldn't be bothered
to pick up the phone,
and call the one person...
who loves me.
- I didn't know.
- I could've helped him.
But I didn't know.
You didn't make
that choice for him.
People grow apart.
Not brothers.
I'm not gonna let you down
like I did him, okay?
I'm not gonna fail you
like I did him.
I don't love you...
but it's like
a really strong like.
That's great, Dunn.
But you need to listen.
Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.
I'm gonna go into that portal...
because it's where I need to be.
You're gonna to let him go.
And if he presses charges,
you're going to accept it.
You've done...
you've done terrible things...
for beautiful reasons.
Doesn't mean you're a bad guy,
it does mean
that you have work to do,
you owe a debt.
And one day...
...once that debt is paid...
...maybe not tomorrow,
or the next...
maybe... a decade from now...
...you're gonna have
to forgive yourself.
But what if I can't?
Then I'll see you
on the other side.
Sorry about all that.
Um, yeah, I need to give you
my information,
uh, for the cops.
You gotta call them
and stuff, so...
- Uh, um, my name is Dunn.
- I'm kind of busy.
Okay. Um...
All right, yeah.
That's fine. I'll, um...
I'll turn myself in.
That's what I'll do.
That's what we'll do.
I'll turn myself in, and then--
I'll have to answer
a bunch of questions.
And... the internet?
Look, I don't wanna be
a meme, man.
Let's just...
not see each other again.
Hey.
I tried to throw you into hell.
We all have bad days, man.
Come on, take me.
Hey, man, do you work here?
Probably.
This is, like, weird.
It's for you.
They said
if I gave you the phone, uh,
you'd throw me a 20.
Hello?
Hey, yeah, buddy, how you been?
I'm here.
Yeah, well, I got somebody
who wants to talk to you.
Not David.
Nah, nah,
you wanna talk to David?
Uh, hey, David!
Don't put David--
It hurts! Oh, dear God!
Hey, David.
Uh, no,
he's fine, he's fine.
They're doing, uh--
Oh, my God. Ow!
Oh, my God.
That's-- Fuck, it's awful.
But never mind,
he'll be all right.
What do you want, Chip?
Bobby wants to talk.
Dunn? You there?
- Mr. Bobshank?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're all here.
Daphne's all right.
Rip's having
the time of his life.
I know
you're beating yourself up.
Waiting for the police
to show up.
They won't.
This isn't gonna make sense
at first.
You don't have
to worry about us.
We got off easy.
You got it worse,
because you have
to live with it.
Don't do what I did.
Don't pull away from the world.
Don't sit there
and replay the same thing
in your head all day,
wishing you did
something different.
It doesn't help anyone.
You don't have time,
you gotta make up for it.
Start small.
Take care of something small.
A plant.
Actually, fuck that.
Get a dog.
Get a fucking dog.
Quit your shitty job.
Do what you love.
Do nothing, I don't care.
Make some real friends.
Hey!
- Here, I got them.
- Look out for them.
- What's... what's your name?
- Lupe.
Lupe? My name is Dunn.
Be nice to strangers.
Be nice to servers.
Tip.
For fuck's sake! Tip.
And if your better angels
desert you...
know that your demons
never will.
Give yourself a shot, kid.
A second chance
is the greatest gift
anyone gets. So, earn it.
You think
I'll ever be a butterfly?
Oh, fuck no, Dunn.
Not at fucking all.
But in time, if you're...
if you're sincere...
you might be
a damn decent caterpillar.
Yeah. Yeah, I will,
Mr. Bobshank.
I know.
Can I ask you?
What did you do?
And one last thing...
watch your own dick.
Thanks. I'm... I'm Dunn.
Cool.
Do you wanna be my friend?
No.
Okay.
Hey.
Um...
Hey. Uh, Dunn, right?
Uh, yep.
You know my name!
What's up?
Do you need help
looking for your dead boyfriend?
Hello?
Hi.
Is this, um...
I'm looking for a Miss Gregory.
Uh-huh.
- That you?
- Yeah. That's me.
- Oh, cool. Uh, I'm Dunn.
- That was fast!
No.
I'm kidding...
I'm just kidding.
- My name is Dunn.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Oh, that's fine.
It... it happens. Um...
What can I do for you?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Uh, I'm calling
on behalf of Macklin Medical.
Oh.
Yeah, looks like you owe $667--
Jesus!
I already paid!
I explained this...
Hey!
...to the last guy--
Hey. It's okay.
No, it's not.
No, I get... I get that.
I get that,
but that's... that's why...
- that's why I'm calling.
- This is a mistake.
You know?
I'm calling to... to help you.
Really?
Yeah. That's right.
Thank you.
I'm here to help you pay
what you owe.
Let's go over some options.
- Option--
- Dunn?
Yes, ma'am.
Absolutely go fuck yourself.
Okey dokey.
Funny joke.
Let's go over
your options.
I don't wanna go over options!
Option one,
pay full amount today.
I'm not paying,
dick head.
That's what I thought.
Option two,
we can put you
on a repayment plan, okay?
That money is gonna come out
the seventh--
I got a great idea.
How about I put you
on a re-fuck-ment plan, asshole?
Please don't put
your kid on--
Hi, Dunn!
Yeah, hey, Tiff!
Hi!
How you doing?
Are you gonna hurt my dad?
Six thousand dollars
for a colonoscopy?
How about I shove
a finger up your ass,
and swirl it around--
...swirl it around!
Hey.
Hey. Hey, man, what's up?
I think there's a portal to hell
in your laundromat.
Shit.
I can see why you thought
it might be a portal to hell.
Yeah? I mean, I hate
jumping to assumptions
as much as the next guy.
Hey, Pete,
what does that look like to you?
- A portal to hell.
- Oh.
Thanks, Pete.
Thanks, Pete.
Pete knows his stuff.
He seems great.
- I'm Dunn, by the way.
- Ed.
You know, this is
my favorite laundromat? I--
Happy to hear it.
Uh, so, should we
call somebody, or...
Oh, I can't get shut down.
No, owners would kill me.
Everyone's so sensitive
after Covid, you know?
Everything's gotta be
safe, safe, safe.
It's just-- You know?
Totally.
- Can I help?
- What?
I don't know, I-- Can I help?
Uh, what if somebody
stumbles into it?
You think
the mat could be liable?
Or someone could get hurt?
Oh, f--
But, yeah, probably liable too.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Is she looking
at me? Shit.
Morning, Mr. Bobshank.
Hi, Mr. Bobshank.
Morning, Mr. Bobshank.
How are you?
Hey.
How's it going?
How about this weather, huh?
Oh! Look out, caterpillar!
What?
Right there. Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I almost missed her.
It's just a caterpillar.
Well, if I drown her,
she'll never be a butterfly.
Are you okay, son?
Why? Portal to hell?
What? No.
I heard yelling last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. Really sorry.
That... that might
have been work.
How's that going?
It's great.
Sounds pretty fucking shitty
to me.
Seeing people at their worst?
Yeah, there's some...
bad people.
In my experience,
they're all bad people
when they owe money.
Not the good ones.
You really think there are just
good people and bad people?
Two big buckets?
Yes.
It's none of my business.
Life's too short
to be miserable.
Oh, that reminds me.
How's your, um...
how's your cancer going?
Still terminal.
It won't be long.
I'm so sorry--
I shouldn't have
brought that up.
That's just... I-- Can I...?
You know,
can I... can I help with...
can I... can I help with it?
Can you cure cancer?
Oh, I don't--
No. I...
No.
Then no.
Okay, right.
Um...
I... I... I'm sorry,
I... I didn't...
I didn't mean to.
Look, look, it's... it's fine.
I'm not offended.
All right.
And even if I was,
I'm gonna be dead soon
from the goddamn cancer.
Because of the cancer.
Um, I'll... I'll text you?
Yeah, uh, maybe.
Did you say...
a portal to hell?
Hello?
Hello?
- Mr. Pepperdine?
- Yeah.
- Hey, it's Dunn.
- Again?
I'm calling on behalf of--
Didn't I already tell you
to fuck off?
Yes! You sure did.
You told me that last week.
And looks like, uh...
Dammit. This fucking--
Pre... previous seven weeks
you said the same thing.
You said, "Fuck you!"
And I was like... I was like,
"No, but you owe
this money still."
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
Uh-huh, I'm following up
on those conversations,
and just seeing
if you have that money...
...that you owe.
You're calling
from an L.A. area code?
What?
I'm in LA.
How's the weather?
Are you honestly
dumb enough
to use your personal phone?
What, are you freelance?
I'm an independent contractor,
actually.
Legally, I don't know.
I'm a bad guy,
you understand?
You live alone?
Do I--
- I don't have roommates.
- Good.
So, here's what's
gonna happen, Dunn.
I'm gonna find you,
and I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Now, I just Googled
your number,
and here's
the first address that came up.
Five Six Two Seven Magnolia--
Anything new?
Nah.
Hey, you want my number?
Why?
Oh, uh...
in ca... in case you need help
with the...
Oh!
No, I'm not really a big texter.
Right.
Why is this even happening?
Why this laundromat?
Why me?
Should we figure it out?
You wanna throw something in?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
- Do you have something?
- Yeah.
Have you opened it yet?
God, no, I don't go near it.
What?
You'll probably
be fine, Dunn. Go.
Yeah, probably.
Okay.
Fucking do it.
Okay, okay!
I don't think
we should throw anything in.
Abort. Abort, abort, abort.
Yeah.
So, I think that, like,
we sort of felt the portal out,
you know?
Hmm. Yeah.
Like, it... it knows
where we stand.
We know where it stands. Yeah.
Should we close it?
That depends.
Are you fucking crazy?
Well, we can't leave it open.
Someone could get hurt.
I'm not going near it.
You're scared?
I'm not scared.
Then go close it.
Just go at it
from, like, the side.
You go at it, like,
from the side.
You're the sideler.
I'm a what?
Yeah, you're a sideler.
What is--
You come up...
you come up on people's side.
What is that?
Whatever.
Is that a thing?
You're real, so it's real.
I think
you should just go close it.
I think you should
just go close it!
- Just go close it.
- You go close it!
Oh.
I would have done it.
I know you would have.
Ed, prelap:
Sorry, why are we doing this?
Rules. Figure out
the Portal Rules.
Why do we need
to know the rules?
'Cause then we can figure out
why is there a portal to hell?
What does it want?
And how to get rid of it?
Oh, you... you wanna get rid
of it, right?
I mean,
it hasn't done anything to me.
What about the people
doing laundry?
The people doing--
- You think I could get fired?
- It's a portal to hell.
Allegedly.
We don't know that for sure.
I'm glad you brought that up.
'Cause we don't know, do we?
It does kind of have
an orange glow.
I think
if it was a portal to heaven,
it would be, like,
more, like, blue, white...
happy.
The screams
are a big giveaway too.
Could be screams of joy.
Could be.
But if it is a portal to hell,
and it does do something,
I think we should figure out
these rules.
- Backup plan.
- Yeah.
- Love that.
- Okay, here's what we got.
It's an "alleged"
portal to hell...
- and it could open on its own.
- Mm-hmm.
That's it?
Oh, yeah, for now.
What we don't know...
Fuck.
...is it a one way?
You know? Are things going in...
...or is something coming out?
You have two saved messages.
- Message one.
- Hey, bro!
Okay, just had an idea
for the place.
What if we got,
like, neon signs?
Like, everywhere.
Cause I've been watching
a ton of streamers,
and they have them
all over their walls.
It looks so sick,
because I've been thinking...
I've been thinking, like,
what if I started
streaming again?
You know, 'cause I... I... I...
I think it's like, you know,
maybe that would be...
...something, you know,
for me to do, so, um...
You know what?
It's probably stupid,
or whatever, but, um...
Uh, anyway,
I... I know you're busy,
so, just, uh... just give me
a call back whenever,
um, I'm around.
So, love you. Okay. Bye.
You do
a lot of laundry, man.
Thanks.
That's not a--
Yeah. Okay. What?
Something came out.
Okay.
What is it?
It-- Sulfur.
Definitely demonic.
Oh, definitely.
I think it's better
if I stay with the laundromat.
Are you sure?
'Cause I'd feel a lot safer
if you came with me right now.
I--
Well, just in case
it returns, right?
Protect the customers.
Customers?
I... I think
I'm the only one here, um...
I mean, you never know, right?
So...
Right. Uh, yeah, I just...
I really prefer not to be alone,
you know?
Okay.
You'll be all right though.
Just go ahead, okay?
Just go. Just go.
You know,
I just don't think it's in here.
I know. Mm-hmm.
I think it's out here, you know?
I think you're right.
Just go for it. You got it.
I just... I just--
I need your help.
Go.
You're gonna s-- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Ooh!
Oh, sugar fuck.
Are you from the portal to hell?
What gave me away?
Um...
how's--
I'm Dunn.
Okay.
No, no, my name... Dunn.
Hi, I'm Chip.
- What's all this about, Chip?
- What, you mean me?
Or, uh, life in general?
- The portal.
- Oh, the portal!
Well, there's a man
who lives up the street,
and soon he'll be dead.
- And you're gonna...?
- Drag him to hell?
- Okay, right.
- Sure.
Yeah, literally. It's my job.
- Wait.
- What?
- It's not Mr. Bobshank, is it?
- It is.
That's who I'm here for.
How'd you know?
- He's the best guy ever.
- I agree.
Why is he going to hell?
Well, he hurt someone bad,
and he knows it.
He's a good person.
- He smokes outside. He...
- Nice.
...has plants.
- Names all of them.
- See? That's lovely.
He said "hello" to me
four times, unprompted.
Well, really, three.
I think one time
he was just saying
he was done
with something, but I...
- I still count it.
- You should.
He's full
of information and advice.
He talks to me even though...
He doesn't wanna.
I know he doesn't want to.
He doesn't wanna.
He's tough
to crack, but...
If it's not hard,
what's the point, you know?
He owes a debt.
Can I help him pay it?
You wanna make a deal?
Not really. I--
But, you know,
I don't wanna leave Mr. Bobshank
high and dry.
Tell you what.
Give me three souls. Three.
Three...
people?
Three souls,
or Bobshank will burn,
and the world will end.
The world's gonna end too?
If it makes you
feel better,
sure, why not?
Can they be bad people?
I don't give a shit.
I defer to you.
Actually, you know what?
You know that song that goes...
- Yeah, that one! Who sings that?
- Ah, shit. Who is that?
- Hot Chelle Rae.
- Hot Chelle Rae!
It's been stuck in my head.
It's fucking earworm.
It's a banger.
You throw any of those guys
in the portal,
we're good.
Are they bad people?
They're musicians.
So, yeah, probably.
Right, okay.
- Hey Chip?
- Yeah, Dunn?
Why are you doing this?
Giving Mr. Bobshank
a second chance?
Eh, why not?
Dunn.
What's up, Mr. Bobshank?
You got, uh...
something on your mind?
No.
Great.
Hey, you think it's okay to...
do something bad...
to help someone... good?
Ah, Jesus.
Look...
depends on how good
the person is.
The best.
How bad the bad is?
The worst.
Does this have anything to do
with that portal to hell?
Uh, you... you want my advice?
More... more than anything? Yes.
Find another laundromat.
I like that laundromat.
Let me tell you something
that my dad told me.
Words to live by.
Sounds really deep.
"Watch your own dick, son."
- Sorry, what?
- "Watch your own dick."
Don't worry about
your neighbor's dick,
what the guy over there
is doing.
We all got our own dick
to worry about.
Ladies got their own dicks
to worry about.
You can't go around trying
to save everybody else's dick,
poking your dick
into other dick's business.
What if...
what if someone's dick
is in trouble?
- Did they ask you for help?
- No.
Then watch your own dick.
What if... what if someone's...
what if someone's dick...
doesn't know it needs help?
Are you talking about me?
What? No, no.
You sure?
'Cause I swear to fucking God
it sounds like
you're talking about me.
I'm not talking about you.
Well, if it is me--
It's not you.
If it is me--
It's not you.
You watch your own dick!
It's not-- Okay, yeah, got it.
God dammit.
It's not you.
Watch your own dick!
Oh, God, he's so...
Dunn, prelap: I'm sorry.
I really am.
I can't kill people.
Not even for Mr. Bobshank.
I'm just not a bad person.
You know, I work
in the debt business.
I would imagine it's similar.
And, uh, I'm my own boss.
Not really. But, you know,
sometimes we get
bad information,
and maybe that's what this is.
Maybe it's a mistake.
Dunn?
One sec.
Yeah.
That's me. What's up?
David.
Hey, David.
David Pepperdine.
David Pepperdine?
What are you doing here?
I came here to fuck you up.
Please don't.
Um, it's not safe for you here.
- What... what is that?
- We should get out of here.
What are you doing?
Uh, uh, nothing,
but we... we should go.
I ain't going nowhere, man.
Let's go someplace safe,
and go over
your repayment options.
No!
Oh, God, it hurts!
- David!
- It hurts!
- Hold on, Mr. Pepperdine!
- Oh, dear God!
His leg...
I don't know, I...
I just feel better.
Like, the... the cancer
is eating away at you
less quickly.
Hmm.
Fuck. I... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought--
Uh, look. look,
it's... it's okay, it's okay.
It... it is like the...
Like, "The cancer
is eating away at me
less quickly."
That's great.
About your cancer.
Um...
did anything happen to you?
Lot of things happen to me.
I mean...
Are you all there?
If I can put you
on this payment plan.
Twelve months, no interest.
It's gonna be cheaper
in the long run.
Um...
I promise you that.
Okay. Yeah.
Let's do it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
If it's gonna save me money.
Okay, great.
- I'll email you right now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Yup.
You too.
Hello.
Hello? Can--
Fuck. Can you hear...?
- Hello?
- Fuck.
Come on! Oh!
Oh, there you are, I gotcha!
Can you hear me?
David Pepperdine?
No, it's Chip, man.
We met in the alley
the other night.
The... the demon?
You wanna talk to David?
No, no,
I don't wanna talk to David.
No talk to David.
Here, I'll put him on.
No, please don't put him on.
Please! Make it stop!
No, he'll be fine,
he'll be fine.
What do you want?
Well, in the long term?
Two more souls.
Was that not clear?
I'm just calling
to say congratulations.
- For what?
- Killing Davey.
I didn't think
you had it in you.
I saw... I saw you... I saw--
Like, "This is a good guy."
"Definitely not a murderer."
That was a big misread.
I'm not a bad guy.
It's fine, buddy.
We're demons.
You don't have to lie,
not to me.
I'm proud of you.
One down, two to go.
- It was an accident.
- Accident, shma-ccident.
Look, I mean, once you do one,
you know?
Look, it makes
no difference to us
after the first one.
It's kind of like
losing your virginity.
You might as well go nuts.
Sounds great.
We'll follow up with you
next week.
All right.
Oh, my God. What...
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I haven't checked
the cameras yet.
This portal was fun at first,
but... fuck.
Sorry. Cameras?
Yeah.
That's amazing.
'Cause then you'll know
exactly what happened.
Yeah.
I'll check the security feed
once I'm done,
and just depending
what's on there,
I will call the cops.
You haven't called them yet?
I can't get shut down, man!
Are we even sure this is blood?
Tough to tell.
What are you...
what are you doing?
Nothing.
You gonna try
to push me into the portal--
You just did it again!
Okay.
Um... Uh, no, I wouldn't.
What the fuck, man?
Okay, okay.
You're right, you're right.
Okay, listen, listen, listen.
Fuck!
Uh, no, no, no. Okay.
Can we just please
go somewhere to talk?
Sure.
Okay.
Just stop trying to push me
into the portal to hell.
I wasn't.
Three people.
Three.
Or one of the members
of the band, Hot Chelle Rae.
Oh. Who are you trying to save?
Just my neighbor with cancer
and the whole planet.
Mr. Bobshank?
You know Mr. Bobshank?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he does laundry
on Thursdays.
Thursdays?
He was, like,
a big businessman
back in the day.
And he gave all his money
to charity, and...
- I don't know. He's the best.
- He is the best.
So, makes sense.
But, you know...
I don't know
where I'm gonna find
two more bad people
to throw into the portal.
Everyone in Los Angeles
has been so nice and genuine.
Why don't you have them
come to you?
What do you mean?
Yeah.
Catch a predator.
Post some shit.
See what monster turns up.
That's really smart.
Right?
Like really smart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey.
"Why don't you take a seat
right over here?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh... "Oh, hey, how ya doin'?
Uh, why don't you take a seat?"
"Um, hey,
why don't you take a seat
right over here?"
"Got you a stool right here."
"Take a seat."
"Take a seat."
"Just take a seat."
"Take a seat right over here."
"Take a seat."
"Take a seat,
take a seat, take a seat."
Dude, that's such a good idea.
"Why don't you
take a seat?"
You done?
Starving.
Sup, bud?
You, uh...
you wanna buy some coke?
Nope.
You cool?
I think so.
I think you're pretty cool too,
so, uh...
here's my card
in case you change your mind.
Hey, tell them
you wanna have sex.
Yeah. That's it-- Work.
Well-- That's what.
Watch this.
Yeah.
"Bring... flowers."
"I'm... classy."
That's really good
but really gross.
Oh, looks like
we got a little nibble.
That fast? Who is it?
- VadgeBadger69.
- Vadge Badger.
- Gross.
- Real sicko.
Sending our exact address.
Okay.
Hey, do you ever get,
um, lonely?
No.
Yeah.
I don't either.
You, um...
...you like that girl?
Which girl?
The girl with the hair.
And I think she does laundry
on Tuesdays.
She seems kind of sad.
The woman from 2B?
Morgan.
Morgan.
Why do you think she seems sad?
Oh, shit.
He's here.
Oh, shit. I think it's a woman.
Can confirm. It's a woman.
Vadge Badger makes
a lot more sense now.
Yeah.
Are we, uh...?
I think so.
No, I... I don't think so.
I think we have to abort.
What? Why?
Because it's a woman.
We can't kill her.
Honestly, man,
I think it's more sexist
if we don't shove her
into the portal to hell.
I don't know.
Would you kill a male pedophile?
Okay, right.
Okay.
If we kill a male pedo,
it's only fair
we kill a female pedo.
Equality and stuff, you know?
Yeah, equality, right.
She's gotta die.
Okay, I'm gonna get
into position.
Okay.
Don't forget to say it.
Oh, no.
I'm... I'm not gonna say--
- Who are you?
- I'm Dunn.
Okay.
What are you doing here, Dunn?
What are you doing here,
VadgeBadger69?
What the fuck!
What... what the fuck
is going on here?
And... and what is wrong
with that dryer?
That's... that's not normal.
Fuck.
Why don't you just take a seat?
What?
Yeah.
Up here.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
Um, I do need to apologize...
...about earlier.
I hesitated, you know,
and that's just...
Nobody dislikes sexism
as much as I do, okay?
Just-- Don't worry about it.
I just want you to--
You know we all make mistakes.
Okay. Good. Good.
What do we do now?
Man.
Yeah.
And then... and then, I said it.
Shit.
I said, "You heard me, right?"
You were like-- You were--
"Is that why you went?"
Oh, yeah, you were like...
And then I--
I was like... I was like,
"Would you take a seat?"
"You take a seat."
And then you were like...
"Whoosh!"
And then she went... Yeah!
Boom! Right in there.
Oh, that was like--
That was so crazy!
Take it! Really crazy!
You wanna grab a beer?
Oh, no, man.
'Cause I...
because I feel like I should...
'cause I feel like I should
maybe go back in there,
and... and just clean up
the evidence, I think.
Are you sure?
'Cause that one
was really clean.
There's, like, nothing in there.
Yeah.
It's pretty clean,
but I feel like
just better be safe than sorry,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, okay. Okay. Sure.
That's fine.
Anyway... Yeah.
Whoo!
No, no, no, man,
I saw it, it was crazy!
- Ed is really cool.
- Yeah, she's all right.
Hey, you wanna talk to Daphne?
Who's Daphne?
VadgeBadger69.
Oh. No way, man.
- I'm not a big pedophile fan.
- No, she's not a pedophile.
What... what'd you say?
I mean,
she liked them young, for sure,
but she never went
the distance, you know?
Tonight would have been
her first.
But she would have done it?
Well, probably, yeah.
Or, uh...
or she would have looked
that kid in the eye,
got the help she needed,
and turned her life around,
then helped others
to do the same!
Saved countless kids!
Some people need to go
right up to the edge
before they can change.
Definitely would have done
one of the two options.
Telling you, 50/50.
Oh, Je... oh, Jesus.
Yeah, she probably
would have done it, man.
She definitely would have--
Don't you worry about it!
She's a total pedo!
- Yeah.
- She's gross.
- Okay.
- Yeah. She's gross, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah she would have.
Yeah, yeah.
- She would have done it.
- Yeah.
- You still there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.
- Hey, Chip?
- Yeah.
What do you want?
I want you
to get a third soul!
No, I mean, like...
I mean,
I'm sure you've got portals
all over, right? But...
what do you want?
What do you want, Dunn?
To save Mr. Bobshank.
No, no, no, I mean you.
Once Mr. Bobshank is saved,
what do you actually want?
I lost someone.
I know.
- Someone close.
- Yeah.
I never really...
Hey! Shut the fuck up!
- Sorry, Mr. Bobshank!
- Sorry, Mr. Bobshank.
Tell him I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I gotta go.
- Yeah, I gotta go too.
- Yeah, me, too.
- All right.
I'll talk to you.
Yeah. Later.
Hey.
You all right, kid?
Yeah. It's--
Sorry, I was just thinking about
my dead brother.
Oh.
Well...
No, it's...
Fuck.
It's fine. We--
I shouldn't have
brought that up.
No, um...
Uh, you just came out
with it, huh?
We don't have
to talk about it. It's...
It... it's just, uh...
- I'm sorry. I'm so--
It's... -00 a.m.?
You're right, I'm sorry.
He killed himself.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, sorry.
Listen...
do you think he's in hell?
I mean, um...
Good people make
bad decisions, you know?
That's not...
Look, I... I... I know
what you think, but...
morality is...
just a push.
What does that even mean?
It-- Look.
You take a farmboy
who's never hurt a fly...
put him through basic,
put a rifle in his hand.
Tell him that the Vietcong
will destroy
everyone he's ever loved.
He's a killer...
and a good guy.
You...
put a good person...
in a bad situation...
all it takes
is the slightest push.
Were you in Vietnam?
Is there something
you wanna ask me, son?
No.
Yes. What did you do
that was so bad--
What did I tell you?
Remember what I told you.
"All farmboys are killers."
Not what I said.
No, not that.
All farmboys are killers.
Dunn, prelap: Ed, he's bad.
He's bad.
Yeah, speaking of bad guys,
check it.
I'm a good person, okay?
Yeah, but you a bad man.
You know what I mean?
I don't know what you mean.
Never do.
You got, like, a dragon
deep down
that weird little dungeon
of yours.
Why don't you play
your murder video, huh?
Boot it up!
Hey.
God. All right. Fine.
What did he do?
He sells cocaine.
That's basically
a public service.
He cheats on his girlfriend.
She's amazing.
I mean, who doesn't?
Also, how do you even know
they're dating?
He spends the night.
He spends the night a lot.
It doesn't mean
they're dating.
I spend the night
with tons of women.
Really?
Yeah.
How many?
- Tons.
- Mm-hmm.
What the f--
I don't... I don't know.
He's a pedophile.
- What? Really?
- A hundred percent.
How do you know?
Cause...
I saw him cheating
on his girlfriend
with a little boy.
- Oh, that's fucking awful.
- It's terrible.
Um... Okay, fine, yeah.
Yes!
I'll... I'll leave
the mat open.
Oh, you're...
you're not gonna help me?
I'm kind of wiped out
on throwing people
through the portal.
Okay.
Yo.
Yo, it's Dunn.
Yeah, I live up, uh...
right up there
by your girlfriend.
Yeah, I see her every day.
Uh... and--
Well, what's up, man?
Sup, Rip? Is that--
Am I saying that right? Rip.
R.I.P--
Why don't you rip over here,
and sell me
some drugs, motherfucker?
Hell yeah.
Yeah, of course I do drugs.
Of course I...
of course I do drugs...
do drugs... do drugs.
Of course I do drugs.
I probably sent
more shit up my ass
than you've ever seen, man.
Hey, Rip.
Who's this?
Is this... is this Rip?
Who's asking?
Oh, hey, uh,
how are you doing? This--
Wow.
Your voice is really clear.
What, uh... what are you using?
Oh, yeah,
it's, um... it's the A1000.
A1000.
I just-- Yeah.
Okay, hold on,
let me write that down.
How are they?
They're the best.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Wait, who is this?
Oh, this is Dunn.
Dunn who?
Just Dunn.
Uh, I live in your girlfriend's
apartment building, you know,
and then, uh, we... we met
at the... at the...
at the burger spot.
Uh, you gave me
- your drug dealer card, and...
- Oh, I did.
Yeah, I remember you.
Yeah. Yep.
You're the one
who kind of, um...
- Yep. I'm-- Yep. That's me.
- The Sideler.
Um, okay, yeah.
I'd like to buy some drugs.
Came to the right guy.
What do you want?
Yeah, sure.
Just...
So, do you want, like...
Just the drugs.
...a little bit of everything?
Yeah--
A bit of everything.
Exactly right.
That's what I need, uh,
from you.
Okay, hold on,
let me, uh...
- Is that okay?
- Let me-- Yeah.
Of course it's all right.
Times are fucking tough.
Okay, perfect, yeah.
And then can...
can you... can you meet me
at the, uh... at the laundromat
down the street
from the apartment building?
- For the drugs?
- Laundromat? Fuck.
What's wrong with your place?
Oh, what's wrong with my place?
My place is, uh...
You know what, man?
There's cameras.
They're fucking everywhere, man.
- And, uh...
- Oh, yeah?
...we wouldn't want that,
you know,
if we're doing
this kind of stuff.
Oh, that's a good call.
Um, fuck it.
Yeah, I'll be there
in, like, an hour.
Yeah, perfect.
Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, I'll see you there.
Be careful.
- What up, buddy?
- Hey.
Oh, would you look at that?
It's drug o'clock.
Hey. Perfect.
Is that a portal to hell?
I'm so sorry.
How did you know
I was a Satanist?
Is that why you brought me here?
Huh? Be honest.
Jacket gave me away, huh?
Yep.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
This is amazing!
How long has it been here?
I don't know... I don't know.
We should...
uh, we should... we should go.
What? No way.
Yeah. Yeah, no,
you could... you could get hurt.
Look, I ride a motorcycle, bro.
It's so cool.
And I don't wear a helmet.
Why do you carry a helmet then?
So, people know
I ride a motorcycle
even when I'm not on it.
Okay.
I'm not afraid
of a little danger.
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
you don't understand.
Yeah, I understand fine.
No, no, no,
I was gonna push you in!
I brought you here
to push you in.
Okay.
Buddy, I'm going in
whether you push me in or not.
What do you mean?
You have the perfect life.
I hate my life, man.
What do I have to live for?
I'm just a coke dealer.
What about Morgan?
2B?
She's whatever.
I see the way you look at her.
You can have her.
Hmm, I just feel like
she should be involved
in that decision.
God. Man!
It's fine. I--
Oh, I'm such a dick.
No you're not.
No, I am, I am, I am, I am.
No. No, you're not.
It was just a mistake.
Every day here is pain.
Maybe it will be different
in there.
Uh... that's hell, so...
This...
this is hell.
I'm sorry.
But I'm not a good guy.
No.
I haven't been
for quite some time.
No, no.
No, no, no, please.
Oh, please don't.
Take care of her for me, yeah?
Oh, he's talking about his bike.
You have two saved messages.
Message two.
Hey, man, I, uh... I... I think
I'm gonna book a flight
for next week.
I, uh... I checked out,
you know,
a couple airlines,
but, um, it should be fine.
Oh, I also...
I also, uh, checked out
a few of those neon signs,
and, uh, they're looking, like,
a 100 bucks on Amazon,
so, we can get whatever we want.
You know, kitchen, beer,
Kevin's room, Dunn's room.
Yeah, whatever. So, um...
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm sure...
that the new job
has... has been crazy.
You know,
you're... you're doing great.
Yeah. I'm proud of you.
I can't wait
to be there, man, L.A.!
It's gonna be...
it's gonna be good to see you.
You know, I, uh... I love you.
I'll... I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, bye.
Bobshank, prelap:
Hey, Dunn, how's it hangin'?
You're looking good.
Oh! Feel good.
The doctor gave me
this new pill.
New pill?
And I feel...
Fuck, man,
I feel 20 years younger.
That's great.
You look great.
Hello.
Hey, Ms. Gregory,
it's Dunn again.
I'm following up on your debt
- you owe to Macklin Medical.
- For fuck's sake.
I blocked your number.
Yeah, well, blocking my number
doesn't change the fact
- that you still owe 667--
- I don't have it.
I... I'm sorry, I...
I... I just--
I don't have the money.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I... I got sick.
Uh, you know, I... I... I mean,
maybe you don't know, but--
I mean, I fell behind
'cause, like, you know,
I had to go to hospital,
and those are bills.
Are you a good person?
Shit, I hope so.
I... I mean,
I definitely try to be,
- you... you know?
- Right.
Are you still there?
I'll take care of it.
It's $700.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry about it.
Really? Are you sure?
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much, Dunn.
Um...
What's going on?
Listen, I really hope
you feel better.
I don't know,
he says he's gonna pay it.
- Why's he doing that?
- I don't know.
- Dunn, prelap: I got you.
- Is this a joke?
Mr. G, if this is a joke,
it sure as shrimp ain't funny.
This is Rip.
Hey, uh, where've you been? I--
Voicemail.
Got ya!
I'm probably riding my bike.
Leave a message or whatever.
No, Mr. Donaldson,
if you could pay me back...
...we wouldn't
be here in the first place.
I'm really sorry
I told you to go
on a re-fuck-ment plan.
No, that was funny.
I didn't go on one though.
Yeah, they... they don't exist.
I know.
So, we are filing
a missing persons report
for your boyfriend?
Yeah, I mean...
we, uh, hadn't had
that talk yet,
but, um...
he spent
the night a lot.
It's still here?
Hey! Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I said one, right?
One. Come on.
Yeah, portal's still here.
Quietly, confidently
doing portal shit.
I got three.
What's that now?
I got to three.
Sorry.
All right, look, man,
why don't you, um...
Yeah, why don't...
why don't you just give me
your number, all right?
And then I'll just text you
if anything changes.
Lost my phone.
Still here.
Beer.
Beer. Two beers.
Two beers-- Three beers!
Three, three.
Three beers, please.
Thank you, my friend.
Hey, yeah, buddy, how are you?
Good, thanks.
Good, good.
Hey.
Hey.
It's me. You got me.
Listen, man,
the last guy that found me...
- didn't work out for him.
- You mean Davey?
Chip?
Ta-da!
What are you doing here?
I had to make a possession.
I thought I'd fuck two rats
with one stick.
What?
You don't have
that expression here?
No. What's with the suit?
It's funny.
Hey, you wanna go
in the bathroom and fuck?
What the fuck
is the matter with you?
No, I don't wanna fuck.
Why?
Because!
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
No.
No!
Yeah, no. Abso--
No!
I don't wanna fuck a guy in a--
Are you out of your mind?
All right, it was just a test.
You passed.
Fuck.
Why are you here?
Well, I tried calling you,
but it just went straight
to voicemail.
Threw my phone in a river.
Well, that's the rational thing
to do, I suppose.
Listen, man,
you got your three...
and I'm really sorry
none of them
were in Hot Chelle Rae, but--
Yeah, well, I think
we're all sorry about that.
It didn't take.
What does that mean,
"It didn't take"?
- Wasn't enough, I guess.
- You guess?
- We had a deal, man.
- No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
No, no, no, you said,
"I don't want to make a deal."
I said
I didn't wanna make a deal,
but I didn't want
Mr. Bobshank to die.
Did you sign anything
in blood, huh?
That's a Faustian bargain.
We didn't even shake hands.
- No, I didn't.
- No.
You didn't.
Listen, I know
how hard you worked...
killing those three people
in cold blood.
Chip, you gotta stop
saying that.
I didn't kill anyone.
So you say.
Come on, buddy,
can't you do anything?
I don't have that kind of power.
What, are you fucked?
Look, I'm not my own boss
like you.
I wish.
Can't you go to...
Lucy?
Yeah.
No.
He doesn't make decisions.
What about God?
God's an asshole.
I don't wanna give you
too big a peek
behind the curtain,
but God and the devil,
they don't choose.
- Then who does?
- You do.
You pick where you go.
Well, yeah, sure.
If we're good or bad,
with our actions, we choose--
No, not with your actions,
with how you weigh your actions.
And Bobshank, well...
he weighed his sins
pretty heavily.
He just needs
to forgive himself.
Pretty much.
I thought
he would weigh two souls.
Two souls, three at the most.
Okay, three and a half.
Three and a ginger.
Three and a twin.
Like this guy.
How many beers
do you think it would take
for this guy to get drunk?
Two, three, five, ten?
There's only one way
to find out.
That's to start drinking.
Two.
It takes two. The point is...
there are a lot of pricks
up in heaven.
Dicks who...
never looked at themselves
in the mirror.
But hell?
There's a lot
of good guys in hell.
They made mistakes...
and they owned up to them.
And like they say,
"The road to, uh...
you know, is paved
with good intentions."
But don't beat yourself up
about this.
You tried.
You tried. That's more
than most people can say.
- So, that's it?
- Yeah.
Unless you wanna kill
a fourth.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
That would be bananas.
That would be...
that would be stupid...
finishing what you started.
Hey, you sure you don't wanna
fuck this guy in the bathroom?
I'm sure I don't wanna fuck--
It'll be fun.
No.
All right.
I'm out of here.
You call me, okay?
Don't be a stranger.
I'm always around.
What? Jesus Christ.
What is...
what is... what is it?
Hey, Mr. Bobshank.
You're looking really healthy.
Um...
You wanna come in?
Yeah. Thanks.
What is it?
What did you do?
What did I do?
Yeah.
You did something.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
You hurt someone once.
How do you know about that?
I don't, not really. I just...
I just know it happened.
What do you want?
Money?
No.
I want you to forgive yourself.
You--
What a fucking unusual thing
to say.
Just...
Please, just do it.
I can't.
I used to live
with this burden, uh...
guilt.
I'd think about it all day.
All day I'd think about it.
These past few weeks,
not so much.
But it's still there,
still with me.
In the back of my mind,
this... this little voice.
That's great. You know, just...
get rid of it.
No, I won't.
I wouldn't be the same
without it...
without the little...
the little voice.
But it's smaller?
Smaller isn't gone.
But it's close, man.
Close to what?
You think one more might help?
What?
Nothing, um...
Uh, the place looks nice.
Uh...
What... what are you doing?
Bye, Mr. Bobshank.
Thanks.
What?
What are you gonna do?
I need your help.
Yeah, I'm leaving.
Bobshank needs one more.
I just-- I...
I live here.
Me too.
No.
Like, in the mat. I live here.
Yeah.
Yeah. Owners don't know.
It's cool.
Not really.
You know, I'm around this thing
all the time,
and I just think...
that I know
the longer we're around it,
the more we belong in it.
I don't understand.
What if the portal
didn't come here for Bobshank?
Hmm? What if
it came here for us?
No, we're good.
We're the good guys.
Are we?
Yeah.
'Cause I pushed that girl in.
And for what?
'Cause she said something
I didn't like on the internet?
And now, I just go around
pretending like she's...
she just doesn't exist.
And I can't...
I can't... I can't...
I can't keep pretending, man.
Just give me till tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will be as far away
from that thing as possible.
And you should be too.
I can't.
I can't let him down.
I know.
Leave.
Hey.
Hey.
Need help with something?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, do you have, uh, duct tape?
And then, like, uh, zip ties,
you know?
And then, like,
a blindfold-- Um...
A burlap sack, actually,
is what I need,
like a...
just to... to put stuff in.
I don't know, just normal stuff.
Like, everyday...
everyday st... everyday stuff
that you put in, like, a bag.
Just sack stuff.
But it's gotta be,
like, a dark color.
Or it doesn't--
You just can't see, uh...
I don't want people to see
the stuff in my bag.
That's-- Yeah.
I don't want people
to see the stuff
that's in the bag.
Like, i-- i-- if I was carrying
this stuff around,
the stuff I'm gonna buy,
I wouldn't want people to see.
Not for any reason, like,
other than--
It's just gotta be--
Can't see through it.
Aisle six.
- All that stuff is on aisle six?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, um...
It's...
Chloroform?
Fuck.
Cups, cups, cups,
and more fucking cups.
And coaster-less drinks.
Fantastic.
- Yo, dude. What's up?
- Fuck!
I've been looking
for you, man.
- What's up, buddy?
- Where you been?
Just making a drink.
All right, Mr. Alchemist,
come on out when you're done.
Everyone's waiting on you.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Guys, he's coming out.
He's gonna be out here
in a second.
He has no idea
I'm gonna ask him to play.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Bro.
Come on. No. Come on, come on.
Bro?
- Bro.
- Come on, it's a vibe.
Yeah, and there's nothing
vibey-er than my guy
laying his heart in his music.
Come on, man.
I don't have a pick.
It'll be great.
Well, if you don't have a pick,
that sounds like an excuse.
- So, pick another one.
- I hate you.
I love you!
Guys, he's gonna play!
He's gonna play, okay?
All right, um...
this is... this is...
a fan favorite.
It's a fan favorite.
Hey, man.
I thought you were gonna play
'Tonight, Tonight'?
Listen, you know
I'm not gonna do that.
You know I'm not gonna do that.
And you know that
I'm gonna continue
to ask you to do it
until you do,
because it's my birthday
tonight,
tonight is the night
of my birthday.
Your party you threw
for yourself?
I haven't been laid-- Yes!
And everyone showed up!
It's great. Look!
Even the girl that--
I haven't been laid.
I don't wanna play
the fucking song, man!
God. I mean, fuck.
Okay.
All right, all right.
I'll play it.
He's gonna play it!
Hey, everybody.
- Uno, dos, tres!
- Uno, dos, tres!
Maybe he didn't hear it.
- Uno, dos, tres!
- Uno, dos, tres!
Fuck her, man.
- Thank fucking God.
- Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, dude.
I can-- I live here too.
Dovin, Dovin, Dovin, Dovin.
I gotta it, boy. Stay.
Do I get a treat later
if I stay?
See how cool was that?
What's up, man?
That chloroform?
You're a heavy little fucker.
Stop! Please stop.
What is that?
Is that a portal to hell?
Hell yeah.
Oh, don't drag me to that.
Will you just chill?
- Fuck, man.
- Okay. Sorry.
Look, I'm a good person.
Honestly, I mean.
I'm not perfect.
I've made mistakes,
but... I'm... I'm good.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- They put you up to this?
- Who's "they"?
The Jews
who run the music industry.
- Okay.
- Oh, fuck, I knew it.
Come on, man.
Stop!
Hey, Dunn,
what are you...
what are you doing?
I'm throwing this guy
in the portal to hell.
What did he do?
He's a bad guy.
He's anti-Semitic.
He's in a band.
What? Oh.
What-- No, no, no, no, no.
Who... who... who decides that?
You can't throw people away
just because they made
a mistake.
That's almost exactly
what I've been doing.
This isn't the first one?
Dunn...
How many?
Oh, God.
Three...
You've killed three people?
Why would you kill three people?
For you! I did it for you.
And the world was gonna end.
Maybe, I don't know.
But if I didn't do this,
they were gonna drag you
to hell.
They should have, Dunn.
You can't buy forgiveness
for what I did.
It's not a transaction.
Yes it is.
It's three souls,
or one member of Hot Chelle Rae,
and you're good.
Oh, God.
What the fuck
is a Hot Chelle Rae?
It's actually
kind of a funny story--
Hey, bro,
would you shut up?
Okay. Okay, okay.
Just shut up.
What am I doing?
The reason that
they're gonna drag me to hell...
Is because I deserve it.
And no number of people
that you could throw
into that machine would...
would change that.
Do you wanna throw him in
a little bit?
No.
See how you feel?
No!
- My brother died.
- I know.
He hung himself.
I moved here, and, uh...
he was gonna move in with me.
I lost track.
All day, I call people
who fucking hate me.
I couldn't be bothered
to pick up the phone,
and call the one person...
who loves me.
- I didn't know.
- I could've helped him.
But I didn't know.
You didn't make
that choice for him.
People grow apart.
Not brothers.
I'm not gonna let you down
like I did him, okay?
I'm not gonna fail you
like I did him.
I don't love you...
but it's like
a really strong like.
That's great, Dunn.
But you need to listen.
Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.
I'm gonna go into that portal...
because it's where I need to be.
You're gonna to let him go.
And if he presses charges,
you're going to accept it.
You've done...
you've done terrible things...
for beautiful reasons.
Doesn't mean you're a bad guy,
it does mean
that you have work to do,
you owe a debt.
And one day...
...once that debt is paid...
...maybe not tomorrow,
or the next...
maybe... a decade from now...
...you're gonna have
to forgive yourself.
But what if I can't?
Then I'll see you
on the other side.
Sorry about all that.
Um, yeah, I need to give you
my information,
uh, for the cops.
You gotta call them
and stuff, so...
- Uh, um, my name is Dunn.
- I'm kind of busy.
Okay. Um...
All right, yeah.
That's fine. I'll, um...
I'll turn myself in.
That's what I'll do.
That's what we'll do.
I'll turn myself in, and then--
I'll have to answer
a bunch of questions.
And... the internet?
Look, I don't wanna be
a meme, man.
Let's just...
not see each other again.
Hey.
I tried to throw you into hell.
We all have bad days, man.
Come on, take me.
Hey, man, do you work here?
Probably.
This is, like, weird.
It's for you.
They said
if I gave you the phone, uh,
you'd throw me a 20.
Hello?
Hey, yeah, buddy, how you been?
I'm here.
Yeah, well, I got somebody
who wants to talk to you.
Not David.
Nah, nah,
you wanna talk to David?
Uh, hey, David!
Don't put David--
It hurts! Oh, dear God!
Hey, David.
Uh, no,
he's fine, he's fine.
They're doing, uh--
Oh, my God. Ow!
Oh, my God.
That's-- Fuck, it's awful.
But never mind,
he'll be all right.
What do you want, Chip?
Bobby wants to talk.
Dunn? You there?
- Mr. Bobshank?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're all here.
Daphne's all right.
Rip's having
the time of his life.
I know
you're beating yourself up.
Waiting for the police
to show up.
They won't.
This isn't gonna make sense
at first.
You don't have
to worry about us.
We got off easy.
You got it worse,
because you have
to live with it.
Don't do what I did.
Don't pull away from the world.
Don't sit there
and replay the same thing
in your head all day,
wishing you did
something different.
It doesn't help anyone.
You don't have time,
you gotta make up for it.
Start small.
Take care of something small.
A plant.
Actually, fuck that.
Get a dog.
Get a fucking dog.
Quit your shitty job.
Do what you love.
Do nothing, I don't care.
Make some real friends.
Hey!
- Here, I got them.
- Look out for them.
- What's... what's your name?
- Lupe.
Lupe? My name is Dunn.
Be nice to strangers.
Be nice to servers.
Tip.
For fuck's sake! Tip.
And if your better angels
desert you...
know that your demons
never will.
Give yourself a shot, kid.
A second chance
is the greatest gift
anyone gets. So, earn it.
You think
I'll ever be a butterfly?
Oh, fuck no, Dunn.
Not at fucking all.
But in time, if you're...
if you're sincere...
you might be
a damn decent caterpillar.
Yeah. Yeah, I will,
Mr. Bobshank.
I know.
Can I ask you?
What did you do?
And one last thing...
watch your own dick.
Thanks. I'm... I'm Dunn.
Cool.
Do you wanna be my friend?
No.
Okay.
Hey.
Um...
Hey. Uh, Dunn, right?
Uh, yep.
You know my name!
What's up?
Do you need help
looking for your dead boyfriend?