Portraits of Dangerous Women (2024) Movie Script
(woman)
I'm giving and giving and giving,
and it's just take, take,
take, take, take.
There's no discipline any more,
not a shred.
I've lost control, and you know there's
no coming back once you've lost control.
It's like they can smell me,
like I'm wounded prey
hiding behind a tree,
with the hyenas slowly closing in.
Yeah, they're just kids.
Oh, no, you've no idea
what they're capable of.
Look, I'm in no rush, OK? So can you
just slow down, Steph, please?
(rattling)
- What was that?
- Something's a bit loose at the bottom.
It sounded like the exhaust.
- It's not...
- (grinding)
- What's that?
- I don't know. It's just some...
Well, the exhaust is loose.
- I've turned into a moaning minnie.
- (groans)
Nobody likes a moaning minnie.
Come on, Steph, everyone likes you.
Why don't you just...
They just put up with me, that's all.
Remember Miss Mereham?
- You remember her?
- Right, Steph, right.
Miss Mereham, Dad.
Are you even listening to me?
Yes, of course I remember Miss Mereham.
She had a...
God, she had a blue rinse
and she wore a waistcoat.
And I was quite scared of her, actually.
That twitch.
(chuckles)
Oh, my God,
I've turned into Miss Mereham.
Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
You're too self-critical.
You always have been.
And a little over dramatic
on top of that.
Nobody likes me. That's fine.
I don't care any more.
(man groans)
There's a junction here. There we are.
- OK.
- Oh, come on.
Go!
Go.
(tyres screech)
Careful, careful, careful.
You didn't even look left then.
- What about Paul?
- What about Paul?
- Well, he likes you.
- Yeah, Paul's an idiot.
He loves you, right?
(clunk)
(grinding)
Yes, that's right, it's left.
Coming up here. Left, Steph.
- Steph. It's left.
- It's not.
Actually, there was something
that I wanted to, um...
You know, there's just been
just something on my mind for a while.
- Yeah?
- Um...
You know that money I lent you?
- What money?
- For the flat.
- The deposit?
- Yeah.
What about it?
- (thudding)
- Oh! Oh.
What was that?
- Stay there. OK?
- Mm-hm.
(engine stops)
(man) Hello.
(woman) Are you fucking crazy?
You saw that, right?
OK, you're my witness.
Stay!
- It's not a bloody racetrack!
- (woman 2) Oh, my God. Is it...?
- (woman) Hey, don't touch it!
- Oh, God.
(woman) Never move a dead body!
You do know that, right?
It just jumped out of nowhere.
There was nothing I could do about it.
It just... It just ran out in front.
- (woman) You killed my dog.
- (woman 2) What?
You fucking...
All of you, you fucking killed it!
Hey! I said don't touch...
I'm just putting it
on the side of the road.
- Do not touch nothing!
- I'm just... Look, it's not safe there.
Never move a dead body. You do know
this is officially a crime scene?
You.
Call the police.
Do something!
Stop staring, you...
- You knobhead!
- Don't call me a knobhead.
I didn't see your dog.
I didn't kill it. She did.
A sweet, innocent animal, yeah?
Yeah, you're all going to prison.
You're all going to fucking prison!
(woman 2) Shut up!
Will you just be quiet for a second?
None of us here is going to prison.
(grunts)
(Steph) Is there anything we can do?
Is there anyone we can call for you?
I'll, um...
- Here, let me give you a hand.
- Yeah.
- Here.
- Yeah.
(man) Uh...
- (woman 2) Yeah.
- OK.
Shall we put the shopping in the front?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Put it down, then.
All right. I'll take these.
- There we are.
- Mm-hm.
That door doesn't work.
(man) OK. After three.
(woman 2) One...
- (man) Two...
- Two...
- (man) And...
- Three.
(Steph) Oh, my God, sorry.
I didn't realise it was you.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, you're, um...
You... You work at the...
- The school.
- Right, right, yes.
- Tina. Caretaker Tina.
- Tina, yes, of course.
So typical of me that I...
She's the new caretaker at my...
the school. Tina.
- I don't think I can drive.
- What?
I don't think I can drive myself home.
Oh, uh...
I can take you home if you want.
(whispers)
Maybe I should drive her home.
(whispers) You take my car.
I'm sorry I didn't recognise you
straightaway.
Hmm.
I'm not paying attention half the time.
I don't think I hit it full on.
It was more of a... a glancing blow,
really, not enough to kill it.
Maybe the poor thing was just old
or sick or something.
We didn't see it at all.
We ran it over,
but it must have been dead already,
or fatally injured at least.
I mean, at the end of the day,
it was an accident.
Does it matter who actually killed it?
What was she thinking, letting it
run around off the lead like that?
I mean, it's irresponsible,
it's careless, dangerous.
And then getting all hysterical.
I never had a dog, or any kind of pet.
Just one of those childhood things
I missed out on.
It's probably for the best.
You get attached to them,
you love them and then they die.
(window whirs)
(woman) Look, I'm not confused, OK?
There's nothing to be confused about.
I just wanna make sure
you get home safely, that's all,
but, you know, up to you.
This needs to be cleaned off.
What? I see nothing.
Don't tell me you can't see this.
It's nothing. I'll do it later.
No, no, no, I need to wash it off now.
I don't think that's a good idea,
cos you're in no fit state to be...
Don't tell me what state I'm in.
(man) I'd say
that's pretty clean now, Ashley.
You'll take the paint off in a minute.
(man groans)
(water runs)
Excuse me, but are you actually
going to buy something
or just use our facilities?
Steady on, lad.
I'm a regular here. Nearly done.
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh, it's all right, son.
- Right, that's it.
- I'm not done yet.
Get in the bloody car.
Here.
You tipped him for, like, nothing.
You've been scrubbing away at nothing
for the last ten minutes.
(engine revs)
(water runs)
(plane flies overhead)
(rattling)
(sighs)
"Scrubbing away at nothing, Ashley."
"Listen to me. Don't do that."
(plane flies overhead)
"Why don't you calm down?"
Mmm.
Mmm...
- (Steph) Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi.
Why didn't you call?
I could have picked you up.
Oh, that's OK. I needed the walk.
- Was she all right?
- Who?
- The girl.
- Oh, yeah, she's fine.
I've got some, um... got some clients
coming over tomorrow
and I'm not quite sure
what to show them.
Business folk from Cottbus.
Don't ask me how they found me. Cottbus.
Dad, so that...
that thing about the money...
Cottbus, for God's sake.
I don't even know where that is.
- (chuckles)
- Did you want it back?
Uh...
Well...
Germany. It's a...
It's a town in Germany.
Eastern Germany.
Well, northeast. Cottbus.
(chuckles)
You always do that.
You always surprise me
with your general knowledge.
It's incredible
that you know stuff like that.
I'd have to look it up.
I guess I should have, really.
I don't wanna beat around the bush, but
I'd kind of forgotten about that loan.
Yeah, me too. I mean,
good idea that you bought that flat.
And you must have made a good dent
in the mortgage by now.
Yeah, pretty good dent.
Yeah, so...
Mmm...
So how did you get on
with that girl in the end?
Ashley? Oh, I told you, she's fine.
She's, I mean, intriguing for sure,
that one.
(Steph) Intriguing?
Yeah, that's one way of putting it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(drilling)
(hammering)
(drilling)
(Tina) Tiling here.
Fill that hole.
Take the paint up to the batons.
Use masking tape, obviously.
Fill those holes.
And paint up above the cistern.
- Any questions?
- (woman) No, that's all clear.
(man) Yeah, crystal clear.
Uh... you need
to cover the ground completely.
Do you have enough sheets?
- (woman) Yeah, we've got everything.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Hundred percent. Don't worry.
Oh, I do worry.
Got detention?
- How's your dad?
- He's fine.
- Oh, yeah. And what about that girl?
- God, yeah, her.
- She's OK, I think.
- Oh, you know her, then?
No, never met her before.
- How about you? Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
You're doing a great job here
with the toilets.
Oh, well, I've got a good team.
That's all you need.
Someone's squashed a fly.
It occurred to me last night,
the dog, is it...
- What did you do with it?
- I'm sorting it.
To be clear, though, my doing it
is by no means an admission of guilt
or anything like that.
No, absolutely not.
(Ashley) Hmm.
So what do you think?
Hmm. Yeah.
Nice. How did you come by them?
Car boot sales, charity shops, auctions.
- So...
- eBay, skips.
I mean, some of them I just found.
- You just found them?
- Mm-hm.
I'm good at creative finding, Jon.
Finding is an art,
and I do it exceptionally well.
So you've been collecting them.
Collecting, finding...
What is it exactly that you do?
What's the difference?
(chuckles)
OK, maybe I misunderstood the question.
Vernacular photography.
- Ver-what?
- It's a genre.
Amateur photographs
about everyday life.
(Ashley) If you say so.
(Jon) But someone's family album
isn't art, though.
Ashley, they're certainly nice,
but it's still just amateur stuff.
They have no value,
no art market value, at least.
That's exactly why I wanna exhibit them,
you know, put them in, um...
- Context?
- No, frames.
Do you wanna make money from them
or do you wanna just exhibit them
in some dreary community hall
or something?
Listen, art is a business,
and, you know, projects like this,
they're simply a hobby, you know.
And I'm a professional.
I wasn't after your involvement, Jon,
just your opinion,
your professional opinion.
Oh, that's it. That's the one
I was talking about yesterday.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean.
She does look a little bit like Steph.
A little bit? Are you kidding?
Have a proper look.
Yeah.
Interesting.
(door opens)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Aisha.
This is a surprise. Uh, how are you?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Um, I was just leaving, actually.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Not at all, not at all.
Don't dash off, Ashley.
I've got some of my soup on the go.
Oh, lovely.
Hope there's enough for me too.
Yeah, we were just discussing
Ashley's, um, collection.
It's a collection after all.
So, you're an artist?
Um...
More of a collector, you know, curator.
Anything that interests me, you know.
Objets trouvs.
It's not conventional art,
but you get what I mean.
Mmm.
Dad, have you got any wine or something?
Yeah. Here you go.
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Lovely. Thank you.
Oh, yes, now, then, this is one of my...
this is one of my favourites.
She's a... a wonderful artist.
Local lass, you know.
- Yeah.
- Nice. Very nice.
We finally agree on something.
- All right?
- Mm-hm.
(clattering)
(Jon) Here we go.
Yeah, that's plenty, thanks.
You need to keep yourself well fed
if you wanna work in the art world.
- Steph.
- Thanks.
(Jon) Be careful. It's hot, yeah?
Interesting wallpaper.
- But I chose that.
- Oh...
Perhaps it does need
a little refreshing, actually, Steph.
Mmm.
The dog didn't belong to me.
Yeah. I just happened to be there
when the other woman hit it.
I just... I felt sorry for it,
you know, a bit protective.
I don't know why.
I'm actually scared of dogs.
Anyway, I made the whole thing up.
Jon, you may know fuck all about art,
but you're an amazing cook.
(chuckles)
(Steph) Bit weird, isn't she?
Hmm.
Headstrong, for sure.
- And a bit of a liar.
- Mmm.
You think we should report the accident?
Oh...
No.
Listen, Dad,
I can't pay you back right now.
Oh?
Oh, I thought you were doing all right.
A decent job, and the same with Paul.
Jesus Christ.
Paul's got nothing to do with this.
Why do you need the money
right now anyway?
- Why didn't you tell me sooner?
- Tell you what?
- About your money problems.
- It's not money problems.
OK, uh, nearly 40,
secure job and no savings.
37, if you don't mind. Now, why do you
need the money for exactly anyway?
Well, I want to, um, uh...
- I want to invest.
- Invest? In what?
Um, they go up there. Right. Up there.
Yeah, that one. Yeah.
I've rearranged a few things.
Invest in what, Dad? The gallery?
(sighs)
Maybe I just want the money back,
no particular reason.
Whisky all right?
Yeah.
(hums)
(plane flies overhead)
(dashboard sunflower clunks)
- (squeals)
- Oh.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
- (hamster squeaks)
- Oh.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
- Are you Sam?
- No, I'm her son, Steve.
Ah, Steve, son of Sam.
(chuckles)
She's a bit under the weather,
so I'm looking after the shop for today.
- Oh.
- Just a cold, nothing serious.
Can I help?
Yes, um, I've been considering
for some time now, um,
and I'd like to adopt.
A pet. But I haven't quite
made my mind up yet.
I'm really not sure what.
Would you like to see
our newest arrivals?
Yes.
Oh, my God, they're adorable.
How could any right-minded person
abandon them?
Oh, they're not abandoned.
They're, um... They're mine, actually.
- Oh.
- (meowing)
- Let me show you the kittens.
- Oh, I'm really not a cat person.
Oh, you'll have to take a look.
They're super cute.
(meowing)
- Aw.
- (meowing)
Um, what does one usually do
with a deceased pet?
I was just wondering
what the correct procedure would be,
as a general rule,
or, you know, what's required by law.
Cos there probably is a law for that,
isn't there?
There are laws or rules
for everything these days.
And don't get me wrong,
I am in favour of rules.
Rules are good. Rules are very good.
Rules are, you know...
That's all that separates us from,
you know, like, the monkeys, chaos.
So laws are good
and I like, um, laws and rules.
(heavy breathing)
Say hello to Sheba.
You're a real expert
at ruining a moment.
Don't you like it?
Well, how old is it?
He looks bloody ancient.
She. It's a female. An old lady.
- Are you sure?
- Steve said so.
- Who's Steve?
- Son of Sam.
- Who's Sam?
- His mother.
First he showed me some kittens,
and they were very cute.
But then I saw Sheba
and there was this immediate connection.
Well, there was for me at least.
Sheba is not so much into relationships.
But... But I like her anyway.
She emanates something wise
and, um, ancient,
like one of those Egyptian cat figures.
Yeah.
(church bell rings)
(officer) No, I understand.
Don't worry about it for now.
Get Rach to deal with it, and get out
of the office. That's an order.
No buts. Bye.
The station's calling back in a minute.
Well, that's where I left them,
there, on that table, yesterday,
just after seeing some of my clients.
And you're absolutely, positively sure
this is where you last saw them?
And those clients you mentioned,
anything suspicious?
No. Honourable gentlemen
from Germany. Cottbus.
Very polite and knowledgeable young men.
- Cottbus?
- Cottbus, yeah.
They... They purchased two pictures
and paid in cash.
Oh, God.
Where the hell are they?
Hi, Rach. Anything useful?
Oh, interesting.
OK, thanks. See you tomorrow.
Huh?
What do you mean, not working?
Well, slow? How slow?
OK, but it's still working.
No, Rach.
Because it's taxpayers' money.
We got this computer,
what is it, five years ago?
We all get a bit slower as time passes.
As long as they still do the job.
Oh, right.
Ooh.
Time flies. I didn't know that.
No, I honestly thought
it was five years, seven, nine max.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Yeah, we should definitely consider.
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, Rach, I agree.
Yes.
Yeah, well, let's talk tomorrow.
I've gotta go.
Bye. Bye.
Your garden is infested with rabbits.
- What?
- Rabbits.
They're more or less
digging up the entire garden.
They didn't steal my paintings,
did they?
I'm just telling you.
Rabbits may look sweet and cuddly,
but they are a pest.
Cathryn, when I say I last saw
my paintings on this table yesterday,
I mean it, OK?
They must have been stolen.
- Why don't you make us some dinner?
- Oh, God.
My shift's just about over
and I'm starving.
Did they, um... Have they called back?
What did they say about Ashley?
Please, Jon,
one of your glorious creations.
You know, I'm not supposed to share
this kind of information with you.
Definitely not on an empty stomach.
You do realise this is
a blatant act of bribery, don't you?
How can feeding the hungry
be an act of bribery?
If anything, it's an act of compassion.
If you weren't my sister,
I'd report you to the police.
(chuckles)
- Your teeth seem fine to me.
- Hmm.
Chicken's no problem.
You don't wanna know.
You're right, I don't.
- Ooh.
- Right... come on.
What did you find out about our Ashley?
Hmm.
- Are you driving?
- Mmm.
The roads are quiet.
She and another girl were caught
breaking into holiday homes
in North Tawton, Devon.
A few years back, that is.
Nothing serious.
And more importantly,
nothing was stolen.
Well, a smashed window
and some bottles of wine emptied.
She was still a minor.
Got a slap on the wrist, that's it.
Remember that time you had to pick
Steph up from the police station?
She was going through a bit of a phase.
And you, Jon, you did the right thing.
You didn't overreact.
- Right.
- I liked that.
- Now, Ashley?
- What do you want me to do?
Bring her in,
interrogate her in a dark room,
with a lamp shining up her nostrils?
Why can't you take this more seriously?
Oh.
Well, never mind.
I'll do my own investigation.
OK. Don't do anything stupid.
Hello?
Hello?
(toilet flushes)
One second. Just one second.
(officer mutters)
Yes, young lady.
I would like to report an incident.
Right...
So, it occurred last Sunday,
you know, around...
Are you gonna take a note, you know,
write this down?
- I've made a note.
- Right, OK.
So it happened last Sunday,
late afternoon, around like 4pm.
I witnessed a road traffic accident
on the B602
involving a car and a dog, right?
The driver, female,
50 to 55, I don't know,
well, she stopped and got out.
And then the collision was followed
by another car, 30 to 40 seconds later,
and it just, you know, it just...
like, scrunch, like bang,
well, not bang, but just...
It run right over the dog and it was
lying there in the middle of the road.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
It was like a bloodbath.
- A bloodbath?
- Yeah.
Um, anyway, I pretended
that the dog was mine.
I mean, I don't know, I just felt
terrible for the poor little animal.
I just don't know
what came over me, so... yeah.
And now there's someone out there
who's missing their pet
and they don't know where it's got to.
What's your name, love?
Um, uh, Ashley. Ashley Powell.
So, Ashley, Ashley Powell,
what breed of dog was it?
- Size?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Colour?
Black? White? Grey? Green? Purple?
Brown... ish, I think.
- Brownish.
- Yeah.
You sure it was a dog?
- Could it have been a fox?
- No, it was definitely a dog.
Mmm. Well, had no dogs reported missing
here since Sunday, no.
Wasn't a cat, was it? Or a stoat?
Like a very, very skinny,
evil-looking sausage dog?
No, no.
Well, as you can see, we are very busy
here at the police station.
Pets aren't really our priority.
Might be better to try
the newsagent window?
- Maybe someone put a notice in there.
- Oh. You got a pen?
- Pen?
- Yeah, a pen.
Thank you.
Uh...
Yeah, the newsagent.
Board outside the community centre.
- Um, wasn't a hawk, was it?
- No, no wings.
No, they've just, um... just lost a hawk
down there by the Pembroke Tavern.
Massive thing, it was, huge,
like a vulture.
(squawks)
Swooped down, picked up a young kiddie
in the playground, yeah,
took it up, 100, 200, 300 feet up high,
up there in the sky,
like looking down over the town, like...
Aagh!
No, Johnny, no!
Don't struggle! Don't struggle!
Dropped it. It's come plummeting down.
Whaaaaa!
Luckily, the vicar, imagine this,
is out there sunbathing,
he's got a reflector on and that,
like mirror thing,
he's looked down, seen this little thing
come flying towards him.
He managed to jump up
in the nick of time, grabbed him.
- Saved him.
- Saved his life.
- It wasn't a hawk, no?
- No, no, it was a dog.
- Didn't think it would be.
- OK.
Oh, one last thing. My pen.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Favourite pen.
- Queen gave it to me.
- Oh, nice.
For valour.
(urinates)
(man) Do you know what?
I don't need you to tell me how to act.
(woman) If you're gonna ask for
my advice, I'm gonna give you advice.
(man) Yeah, OK, I asked for advice,
as a friend.
- And then you start accusing me...
- It was never gonna be as a friend.
You were talking about our relationship.
I wasn't talking about our relationship!
- I was talking about my relationship.
- OK, fine.
(man) You keep calling me a twat,
and that's not very nice to hear.
- (woman) Oh, my God. OK, grow up.
- Grow up?
Thank you so much
for your wonderful advice.
(snores)
(snoring)
You know, in life you sometimes
come to these decisions
where you can make the right choice
or the wrong choice,
and sometimes you know
you shouldn't make the wrong choice,
but you have to make the wrong choice
just to know that you've made a choice,
even though the wrong choice
turns out to be the wrong choice.
(Sheba meows)
And I feel awful about it.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
And I know I'm gonna be plagued
by nightmares.
And to be clear,
I deserve to be plagued with nightmares,
because what I've done
is a hundred percent inexcusable.
I even named her. Sheba.
- Think it's a good name for her.
- (meows)
- OK.
- How's your mum, by the way?
- Tea?
- Go on, yeah.
- Much better.
- Oh, good.
She was a famous queen
from the Bible. Sheba.
King Solomon was into her.
Do you have any coffee?
King Solomon was into cats?
- Cappuccino?
- Oh, yeah.
(meows)
- Oh, let me help you.
- No, no, no. No, you're good.
Sorry. That's the... That's the teacher
in me. Didn't mean to patronise you.
Here you go.
(groans)
Ex-army?
Oh, no, nothing as...
nothing as heroic as that.
Just a stupid teenage thing.
Ow. Ow.
(car drives past)
Oh, do you wanna close up?
- Um...
- Actually, no, let's keep it open.
Oh. Oh.
- Hiya. Are you OK?
- Hi. Sorry to disturb.
- No problem.
- Um, are you missing a dog?
No.
Do you know anyone who's missing a dog?
It's right...
right down the bottom of that hill.
- All right?
- And then take a right? Take a left?
- A right, yes, yes.
- Take a right. All right.
- Thank you, sir.
- OK.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(knocking)
Afternoon.
Um, I don't suppose you own a dog?
- Sorry, dear?
- Do you own a dog?
Come in.
The kettle's boiled.
Sit down, love.
Lovely picture, isn't it?
Yeah, it's very nice.
Have you got any more like that?
Milk? Sugar?
Hmm.
Go on, then.
My mother.
Daddy.
Ooh.
Oh, my wee brother.
(chuckles)
Ah.
And this is a picture of my best friend.
She was the first ever
female bus driver in Liverpool.
1953, that was.
We were going to elope on that bus.
But then I left Liverpool without her.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
("Mille Anni Pi Di Me")
(music continues)
Are you sure?
Oh, your dog.
I don't have a dog, dear.
- You need a lift?
- No.
I already explained everything
at the desk.
Not that the officer was interested.
Why'd you pretend it was your dog, then?
Honestly?
You should be out there
looking for the rightful owner.
It's not like I run over the poor thing.
I actually reported it to you guys,
you know.
That's what Jon and the other woman
should have done.
That's the grown-up thing to do.
You visited his gallery
the next day, right?
I wanted to show him something.
Pictures. Why?
Three of his paintings
have gone missing.
Come on. You don't actually think
I stole his rubbish paintings?
I wouldn't say it's all rubbish.
Some of it, maybe...
Pretentious and utter rubbish.
Yeah. Anyone can throw shit at a canvas
and call it art.
- So what do you do, Ashley?
- What do I do?
- Well, you study, work?
- You wanna know how I make a living.
I'm not a thief,
I can tell you that much.
My mum died...
My mum was in a car accident.
I had some insurance money.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Where's the other one?
Just cut it off.
Mono's better. Stereo's for losers.
For losers.
Just for the record,
Jon's my brother, well, half-brother.
Sorry to hear that.
(laughs)
Ashley... you were in that accident
with your mum.
And it left you deaf in one ear.
Isn't that right?
(woman, indistinct, on TV)
(woman on TV)
for the teas they craved so much.
They presented him with all sorts of
curiosities and scientific instruments,
but despite all efforts,
he remained unimpressed.
(door opens)
- Hi, Tina.
- Hi.
Hmm.
- The... The dog.
- What about it?
Could you help me with it? I haven't...
Jesus. Have you still got the dead dog?
I think it deserves a proper send-off,
to be buried somewhere,
and I can't... can't face it on my own.
Yeah. Yeah, of course I'll help you.
Great.
So, how long
have you been teaching, then?
Oh, God. Uh, nine, ten years.
Well, I used to be an accountant,
you know.
I was pretty good at it, actually,
completing spreadsheets and all of that.
- Accounting?
- Yeah.
I love numbers,
or getting creative with them,
if you know what I mean.
What is the matter
with all these chairs?
They all need fixing.
- Yeah, it's no masterpiece.
- Yeah. No.
- I mean, sure, it's...
- Bloody ugly.
Well, you know
you can get them removed these days?
- I don't wanna get rid of it.
- No, of course not.
I went to prison for a bit.
Not for anything nasty.
Just some money laundering.
- Money laundering?
- Mmm.
Something like that. It's complicated.
Money... I mean, I don't even know
how you go about money laundering.
- How did you get involved?
- My husband.
Money laundering?
I mean, you hear about it all the time
on the news, on the telly,
but I don't think
I could explain it to the kids
if they asked me what exactly it is,
how it works.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Well, as I said, it's complicated.
And what about your husband?
What about him?
Uh...
Well, it was his brainchild,
but, um, once he'd set it all up,
I was doing all of the work
and he was doing all of the spending.
Hmm.
They never caught him.
As a matter of fact,
they never caught anyone except for me.
They all managed to flee the country,
the entire gang. Lucky bastards.
I still sometimes miss him.
No, not him. That came out wrong.
Them. I miss them,
the team, the time, the camaraderie.
It was good fun while it lasted,
and I miss that sometimes.
Bloody hell, Tina.
Come on, let's do it.
- What?
- The dog.
Come on.
- Now?
- Yep. Right now. Let's go.
Oh...
- (Tina) You all right?
- Yeah.
(grunting)
(Tina) Really... Yes.
How big is the dog?
(Steph) Really fucking big.
- I don't think we're gonna get that.
- We are.
(Tina) For fuck's sake.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
I just... I need a cigarette.
- You're doing a good job, Steph.
- Thanks. I think we'll be OK.
- Whoa!
- Whoa.
Careful with that spade, missy.
Are you OK?
- Jesus.
- Give me the spade.
What the hell were you thinking,
sneaking up on me like that?
All right.
- It's not what it looks like.
- And what does it look like?
We're not trespassing, are we?
Whatever the pair of you is up to,
make sure you bury it deep enough.
Have a good day.
Just...
- You could have killed the man.
- He's a fucking idiot.
"We're not trespassing, are we?"
Thanks for helping me with this.
No worries.
Perhaps we should tell that girl.
Oh...
Yeah...
Uh, it's... it's not actually her dog.
What? What do you mean,
it's not her dog?
She made it up,
pretended it was her dog,
for the sake of drama, I guess.
Well, whose dog
have we just buried, then?
Maybe it was a stray.
Come on, let's go.
She lied? Why would she lie
about a thing like that?
I don't know, Tina.
She must have had her reasons.
You coming?
Two hundred quid every month,
standing order.
- Does that sound OK?
- Oh, forget about it.
I don't want that stupid money.
It'll all be yours soon anyway.
That's very dramatic, Dad.
Steph, I don't really need the money,
and I'm sorry I brought it up, OK?
OK.
- Want a drink?
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Uh...
I think a couple of paintings
have been stolen from the gallery.
- What?
- Yeah, well, they've gone missing.
- When did that happen?
- Um, a couple of... couple of days ago.
And? Have you told the police? Cathryn?
Well... the truth is, I might have
misplaced them and I'm not sure.
Um...
I, um... I... I remember clearing the
walls after the, um, the Cottbus lot,
and I was happy,
I was excited, you know.
They paid a good price.
They didn't even haggle, you know.
I mean, very charming
and well spoken, polite.
Keen to know everything
about the artist.
Yes, yes, right, Dad. The pictures.
Yeah, well, I've, um...
I've looked everywhere for them.
Would you like me to help you look?
Mmm.
Ashley?
Ashley?
What do you want?
Hi.
I tried to call you.
I was busy.
- Did you get my messages?
- I did.
Now, look, Ashley,
I never said you stole anything, OK?
Now, you've got to believe me, OK?
Now, come on, don't be so...
Don't be so what?
Well, why didn't you return my calls?
OK, so let me just
get this straight, right?
You just happened to forget
they were in your garage?
That's what you're saying?
Your precious little masterpieces
left in a damp garage?
It scares me a bit, actually,
cos I've never misplaced
anything like that before, so...
I'm sorry.
All right? I just thought...
I mean, it's not like I called the cops.
Cathryn is family.
I mean, she's not real law enforcement.
Have some mercy
on an old forgetful man, eh?
OK, you're not that old, all right?
Your sister's nice, though.
A bit of a Sherlock Holmes.
Come on.
(sighs)
Mmm.
- Where'd you get these?
- Oh, I stole them.
(chuckles)
Yeah, from a sweet, old, helpless lady.
- She even gift-wrapped it for me.
- Mmm.
I mean, I forced her. Well,
I have that effect on people, so...
Scary.
So, that job offer,
have you thought about it?
- What job offer?
- Gallery assistant, Jon.
- We talked about this.
- Eh?
Great. I start Monday?
Amazing.
Let's go and get a drink to celebrate.
Yeah, you're good, Ashley.
You're very good.
(woman) We went for a last walk.
Like an old couple.
Through the woods.
The meadows along the road.
Revisiting those spots
where we liked to stroll.
Happy memories.
That's important.
You have to build happy memories
for the end.
That's what life is about.
Collect as many nice moments
so you've got something
to go back to at the end.
That's what we did.
Let him have a final pee, say goodbye.
Before taking him to the vet.
It's not the first time
I've had to put down a dog,
and this time round
I wanted to be there.
Be there for him.
Until the last moment.
Hold him.
Till his last breath.
(chuckles)
They are clever creatures.
They know full well
what's about to happen.
And suddenly he disappeared. Gone.
I was looking for him for hours.
Didn't want him to die on his own
somewhere in a ditch.
Cup of tea, Doreen?
Um... Uh...
I've got something to do, um...
Another time.
Any time, Doreen.
- How you doing?
- Ashley. What can I get you?
Yeah, let's get the usual.
Who's that you're with?
- Oh, my uncle.
- Uncle, eh? What's his name?
- Jon.
- Oh, yeah.
- A little bit more.
- Bit more?
- Yeah.
- You should go easy with this.
- It's an acquired taste.
- Thank you.
- Free?
- Yeah, yeah, on the house.
Go on, enjoy yourself.
- I told him you were my uncle.
- Eh?
Grappa.
- You never tried grappa before?
- Grappa?
Yeah, it's like an Italian whisky.
Oh! Uh!
I make a great niece, eh?
Why would you tell him I'm your uncle?
I don't know.
Oh, God.
- No, I need a beer or something.
- He's not licensed, though.
Yeah, well, I can't start
the evening off on shots. Sorry.
- Hello.
- Oh, Uncle Jon! What can I do for you?
Oh, uh, right,
do you have something lighter,
like, um, I don't know,
a beer or something, perhaps?
Lovely niece. Nice. Very nice niece.
- Is that a no?
- (car horn beeps)
- Oh, bugger.
- What?
- It's my other niece.
- Che bello! Family reunion?
Worse than that, I'm afraid.
Hello. What are you two doing here?
We could ask you the same, actually.
- Yeah, what are you doing here?
- It's not members only, is it?
We're celebrating.
Oh, yeah?
What exactly are you celebrating?
My new job.
She's good.
Hmm.
These are lovely.
Uh!
- He didn't think so.
- That's not strictly true, Ashley.
I only doubted their commercial value.
You called them vana... stuff.
- Vernacular. Vernacular.
- Well, I think they're beautiful.
- Thanks, Tina.
- I'd buy one. You must exhibit.
(Ashley) Well, I've actually been
planning something for a while, so...
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
So what's the title of your exhibition?
- Do I need one?
- What does the expert say?
Well, exhibitions
usually do have a title, yeah.
You can't call it Vernacule,
that's for sure.
Um...
How about Portraits or something?
- Portraits?
- Yeah, like Portraits of...
- Much better.
- Dangerous Women.
- (laughs)
- Exactly.
(Tina) You all right?
- Why is that funny?
- Yeah, what's so funny about that, Jon?
Well, you must admit, none of them
look particularly dangerous.
And what do dangerous women
look like, Jon?
Yeah, tell us, Jon,
what do dangerous women look like?
(chuckles)
- I don't know.
- (Tina) Hmm.
Well, I like it. Thanks, Tina.
- Let's get some more in, shall we?
- (Tina) Yeah.
Oh.
Marco.
(chuckles)
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you,
what are you doing on Friday night?
- Friday...
- This Friday? Thank you.
Yeah. Because I am having a party.
What?
- I think I'm busy this Friday.
- (Ashley) Jon, no, no, no.
- Never say no to a party.
- There you go.
You've got a lot to learn, old man.
- Moon story.
- What?
- Moon story.
- The moon st...?
You mean the moon dance.
in Florence...
- Jon.
- Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.
So what do you say? Salut?
Salute. Not French. Salute.
- What is it? I'm taking this.
- Where's she going with that?
So, listen...
- Hey, bring it back. Give it here.
- (laughs)
It's mine now.
("Isabella")
- (Jon) It's a very expensive hat.
- (Ashley) Turn it up. Turn it up.
- (Jon) Tina, look after that hat.
- (Ashley) Turn up the music.
- Yes.
- (volume increases)
- (Jon) Is that better?
- (Ashley) That's better.
Tina. Tina. Heads up.
Let me show you the dance.
OK. OK. OK.
(Tina) I don't think you should do it.
I don't think you should do it.
I've got it. I've got it.
- (Tina) No. No.
- I've got it.
(laughs)
Ooh.
(music continues)
Ooh. Ooh.
No. No.
I'm not going to be part of you
having your first cigarette.
No. No. No.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Give me, give me.
Got it? Have you got it?
Where's my camera?
It's nature herself.
She inspires me. She energises me.
She drives me to paint, to create.
May I humbly suggest there's an echo
of our classical landscape tradition.
Classical?
(Ashley) Hmm.
Humbly suggest.
By classical, I mean a timeless quality.
Perhaps.
Uh, well, thank you
for your, uh, presentation,
but I'm... I'm currently not taking on
any new artists.
But you should head over
to Mark Gilhan. Yeah?
- He's a... He's a wonderful man.
- I saw him last week.
He said you were wonderful too.
He did, did he?
OK. So what would you have done?
I kind of liked it.
I mean, it's no Monet, but...
Or did you just feel sorry for him?
You know, dealing with the art
means dealing with the artist,
the person, Ashley.
Most have suffered a hundred rejections
and will never sell one work.
Always remain respectful,
and never take pity.
If, you know,
you thought his work was sell able,
despite it being a bit shit,
you know, would you?
You know, would you have taken him on?
That's exactly it, Ashley.
Now you're asking the right questions.
(Tina clears throat)
Two minutes, Tina.
No, no, you...
you just do your thing and I...
Um...
Where's the...?
Uh... Hmm...
Are you all right?
Was there something else you wanted?
Um...
Yeah, I was just wondering, um...
I'm throwing a small party,
it's actually more of a gathering,
and I wondered if you and the boys
wanted to come along.
- It'd be lovely if you could.
- Oh.
- What's the occasion?
- Oh, no specific reason.
Well, actually, it's my divorce.
Divorce? Your divorce?
Yeah. It's... It's finally come through.
All done and dusted.
And I thought starting over
is worth raising the odd glass or two.
Sure. Divorce parties, all the rage.
Yeah. Uh, it's tomorrow,
which is a bit short notice, I know.
Great. I'll pass it on.
- Great.
- Who else is coming?
Just some friends.
A few... A few friends.
It's in the assembly hall,
so you can ask whoever you like.
- There's room for all.
- It's here, in the school?
Yeah. Yeah, it's not entirely
above board, so, um, keep it schtum, OK?
OK, cool.
Right. Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Two hundred for the three.
OK, let's say if I sell them
in the next couple of months,
I'll come back, get two more,
same price guaranteed.
Your offer is very much appreciated,
but I can't possibly let them go
at that price.
I mean, each frame alone costs 25.
In which case,
we've gotta talk about framing costs.
I understand, but, you see,
frame and painting are one.
I work with the frames attached,
so paint actually
spills off the canvas onto them.
It's part of my technique,
my concept, so to speak.
(artist chuckles)
(artist sighs)
But I see your point.
I'll just produce
the next few frame less.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. With frames, OK?
Definitely with frames.
270, then.
Five. Five hundred.
Let's see.
372, 374, 21 pence.
I'll throw the box in too.
(Steph) Paul!
What's going on?
Isn't this a bit rushed?
Steph... when you came home
with that cat...
We should have ended this
a long time ago.
- Because of the cat?
- A nearly dead cat.
A probably dead by now cat.
Sheba. She had a name.
Sheba. Rest in peace.
- But where will you stay?
- With my mum.
What have you told her?
You know she adores you.
Shall I help you pack?
Yeah.
- That's definitely mine.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
That's OK.
- How was your day?
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- This is definitely yours.
- And this is yours.
Yeah.
Looks good, that, though.
- Did you ever read it?
- Yeah, when we were in Greece.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, he's weird, isn't he?
Yeah, very weird. I didn't sleep
very well after reading that.
No, I remember.
Come on, Jon, when was the last time
you went to a party?
I've never really been a party animal,
to be honest. Good grief.
This is where your daughter teaches,
isn't it?
This is where my daughter teaches.
Precisely.
It's a school, not a bloody party venue.
It seems rather inappropriate to me.
- (Ashley) Or are you scared of Tina?
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Wow.
- (Tina) Sweetheart.
- Oh, my God!
- You look amazing!
- Thank you.
Wow!
Listen, I've been thinking about those
photographs and the whole art thing,
and I think it's a brilliant idea.
- I think you're brilliant.
- Thanks, Tina.
No, it's a wonderful idea
and I'm sure you're going to make it
happen and go a long way.
Well, I've actually taken on an artist.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's gonna work for me,
like Andy Warhol-style.
Brilliant. So, how about this?
How about you have your exhibition
in my garden shed?
- It's empty.
- Shed?
- Yeah.
- Shed?
It's not the Tate, of course, but it's
not a bad venue for your vernissage.
Ashley wants to show her photographs,
not her prize vegetables.
- What makes you think...
- You lot.
I told you not to bring anything.
Can't you just follow
my instructions for once?
Tina, Tina. Mm-mm!
Your Very Royal Highness,
Empress of the School,
there is no way you can tell us
how to party.
Hello.
Thank you.
- (Jon) Hello there.
- Amazing.
- Hi.
- All right?
- Cheers, mate.
- Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
- Nice to meet you.
- Right, yeah.
- Anything I can do?
- I don't know. Is there?
Well, that amplifier's probably
steam-driven by the look of it.
- Funny. Next?
- (laughs)
OK, easy.
You're made of even harder stuff
than your Aunt Tina.
- My Aunt Tina?
- Not that it scares me off.
I can handle thick-skinned.
What, is she not?
This is probably not gonna...
Have you tried...?
(speaker buzzes)
- Oh! Ha-ha!
- (cheering)
- Finally.
- Yeah!
(Jennifer Touch:
"Chemistry (Llewellyn's Retouch)")
- Oh, Steph, Steph, Steph.
- Hi.
Um, there was this one time.
This was really, really bad.
We were on a flight,
and he upgraded his own flight
and he didn't upgrade mine.
His own seat, row three, and he said,
"I'm here and you're just off
in seat 2020" or whatever it was.
I just got into my seat
and I just closed my eyes,
and I mentally hummed...
- (Jon) Right, beer.
- Yeah, that's good, that's good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- You look amazing.
- So do you.
- Aw. Thanks so much for inviting me.
- Well, thanks for coming.
- I love your bag.
- Thank you.
- This looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- (Jon) Steph.
- (Steph) Yep? Oh, thank you.
(Hot Chip: "Over and Over")
Dad. I'll be back.
Dad. Dad, come and dance.
- No, come on, come on, come on.
- No, no, no.
- I don't dance.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't dance.
- Yeah.
Hey! Thank you.
- Right, show me your moves.
- I haven't got any.
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back
We'll give you playback
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back...
Under and under and under
and under and under
The spell of repetition
really is on you
And when I feel this way
I really am with you
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back
I'll give you playback
Over and over and over
and over and over...
(radio bleeps)
School's secure.
Must have been a false alarm.
Foxes... possibly. Over.
(officer) Foxes?
Yep, foxes. Over.
(Ruby Taylor: "Find Another")
He's all right, your dad.
- What?
- Don't worry.
I'm not considering becoming
your step mum or anything like that.
Steph-mum.
(laughs)
Come on, then,
give us another flash of that tattoo.
Oh.
I mean, Tina, what the hell?
- Take that out.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Right, what else do I have to do?
(Illustre: "Dimension Parallle")
(whooping)
(Tina) Get down, Steph.
(Steph) Yeah!
Ashley, crank it up! Louder!
Louder! Crank it up!
(volume increases)
- Tina! Tina!
- Stop, Steph.
Yeah!
(music stops)
(Linda Manning:
"Bonjour Tristesse (Hello Sadness)")
Hello, sadness
Only loneliness
For me
When you walked out the door
I said goodbye, amour
Happiness was gone
Forever more...
- (siren wails)
- Bonjour, tristesse
Hello, sadness...
(officer) Cathryn,
are you still at the school?
I'm on it. Copy that. Over.
(sirens wail)
When you walked out the door
I said goodbye, amour
(indistinct hospital announcement)
(whirring)
(Tina) How are we?
We pretended that we're family
and they believed us.
How bad is it?
- You're fine.
- Where's my dad?
Broken arm, um, some bruising,
a few bits. You'll live.
You will need some help
for a while, though.
- We'll look after her, won't we?
- I'm not wiping her arse.
For God's sake.
It's the last thing I needed.
- What did the school say?
- Oh, not much.
I explained what happened and they're
just glad you didn't do more damage.
Really?
They fired me, though.
- They fired you?
- Yeah, on the spot.
- Let me talk to them. I can explain.
- No, no, no.
- They can't fire you.
- No, Steph, it's fine.
I was gonna quit anyway
and do something else.
It wasn't really my thing.
Well, if you're going, I'm going too.
Don't be silly.
I got you fired.
- Do you hate me now?
- You didn't get me fired.
But you did ruin my party.
- Here we are. Coffee, yeah?
- Yeah, black.
- Black, yeah.
- Thank you.
Here you go, darling. Are you in pain?
Are you? I got you tea.
- Thank you.
- And...
I got you this.
Do you want me to open it up?
- Yes, please.
- I'd better, hadn't I?
Right...
There's four sticks.
- So we could all have one.
- Yeah.
Do you want me to drive you home?
Sister.
- All I said was can I drive you home?
- Really?
Yeah.
OK.
Excuse me. Hello, young lady.
Yep? Can we help you?
You must be Ashley.
Cathryn told me I'd find you here.
- Do you know Cathryn?
- Depends who's asking.
Cathryn told me
you'd say something like that.
Um, I'm Doreen, the owner of the dog.
Alexander.
I believe you found him.
- Uh, sort of, but not...
- It was an accident.
I know.
I know.
But where is he?
We... I buried him.
A couple of days after the accident.
It was a decent burial.
Intimate, but...
Would you mind showing me the grave?
- What, now?
- Do you have any other plans?
- I'm free.
- OK.
(bird screeches)
It's definitely here.
OK.
(grunts)
(Jon) Guess you were right.
Hmm?
- The show. Those photographs.
- I'm almost always right.
So what's the plan?
No plans, really.
Might even go abroad for a while.
I haven't decided.
Oh. You're leaving us.
You know how it is, Jon.
You get used to someone,
like them even, and then they leave.
In the end, everyone leaves.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, I'm all right, thanks.
Actually, yes, I would, please.
Just a...
Small one?
So this one took about two months
to complete.
- (Steph) Ashley.
- I mean, if you look at the edges...
Ashley.
I'm... I'm busy. What is it?
Do you remember
you said that she looks like me?
Sorry. Uh...
- Yeah, still does. Why?
- How much do you want for it?
This one's 50.
Cash. No receipts, no returns.
- Let me get this.
- Absolutely not, no.
It's mine. I want it, I'll get it.
- It's a deal.
- Deal.
Ashley. Ashley.
- Just give me a second, Claude.
- Excuse me.
They're very keen.
(Tara Cunningham: "I Talk To Myself")
Hi.
- This is my gallerist, Ashley.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sorry.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm giving and giving and giving,
and it's just take, take,
take, take, take.
There's no discipline any more,
not a shred.
I've lost control, and you know there's
no coming back once you've lost control.
It's like they can smell me,
like I'm wounded prey
hiding behind a tree,
with the hyenas slowly closing in.
Yeah, they're just kids.
Oh, no, you've no idea
what they're capable of.
Look, I'm in no rush, OK? So can you
just slow down, Steph, please?
(rattling)
- What was that?
- Something's a bit loose at the bottom.
It sounded like the exhaust.
- It's not...
- (grinding)
- What's that?
- I don't know. It's just some...
Well, the exhaust is loose.
- I've turned into a moaning minnie.
- (groans)
Nobody likes a moaning minnie.
Come on, Steph, everyone likes you.
Why don't you just...
They just put up with me, that's all.
Remember Miss Mereham?
- You remember her?
- Right, Steph, right.
Miss Mereham, Dad.
Are you even listening to me?
Yes, of course I remember Miss Mereham.
She had a...
God, she had a blue rinse
and she wore a waistcoat.
And I was quite scared of her, actually.
That twitch.
(chuckles)
Oh, my God,
I've turned into Miss Mereham.
Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
You're too self-critical.
You always have been.
And a little over dramatic
on top of that.
Nobody likes me. That's fine.
I don't care any more.
(man groans)
There's a junction here. There we are.
- OK.
- Oh, come on.
Go!
Go.
(tyres screech)
Careful, careful, careful.
You didn't even look left then.
- What about Paul?
- What about Paul?
- Well, he likes you.
- Yeah, Paul's an idiot.
He loves you, right?
(clunk)
(grinding)
Yes, that's right, it's left.
Coming up here. Left, Steph.
- Steph. It's left.
- It's not.
Actually, there was something
that I wanted to, um...
You know, there's just been
just something on my mind for a while.
- Yeah?
- Um...
You know that money I lent you?
- What money?
- For the flat.
- The deposit?
- Yeah.
What about it?
- (thudding)
- Oh! Oh.
What was that?
- Stay there. OK?
- Mm-hm.
(engine stops)
(man) Hello.
(woman) Are you fucking crazy?
You saw that, right?
OK, you're my witness.
Stay!
- It's not a bloody racetrack!
- (woman 2) Oh, my God. Is it...?
- (woman) Hey, don't touch it!
- Oh, God.
(woman) Never move a dead body!
You do know that, right?
It just jumped out of nowhere.
There was nothing I could do about it.
It just... It just ran out in front.
- (woman) You killed my dog.
- (woman 2) What?
You fucking...
All of you, you fucking killed it!
Hey! I said don't touch...
I'm just putting it
on the side of the road.
- Do not touch nothing!
- I'm just... Look, it's not safe there.
Never move a dead body. You do know
this is officially a crime scene?
You.
Call the police.
Do something!
Stop staring, you...
- You knobhead!
- Don't call me a knobhead.
I didn't see your dog.
I didn't kill it. She did.
A sweet, innocent animal, yeah?
Yeah, you're all going to prison.
You're all going to fucking prison!
(woman 2) Shut up!
Will you just be quiet for a second?
None of us here is going to prison.
(grunts)
(Steph) Is there anything we can do?
Is there anyone we can call for you?
I'll, um...
- Here, let me give you a hand.
- Yeah.
- Here.
- Yeah.
(man) Uh...
- (woman 2) Yeah.
- OK.
Shall we put the shopping in the front?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Put it down, then.
All right. I'll take these.
- There we are.
- Mm-hm.
That door doesn't work.
(man) OK. After three.
(woman 2) One...
- (man) Two...
- Two...
- (man) And...
- Three.
(Steph) Oh, my God, sorry.
I didn't realise it was you.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, you're, um...
You... You work at the...
- The school.
- Right, right, yes.
- Tina. Caretaker Tina.
- Tina, yes, of course.
So typical of me that I...
She's the new caretaker at my...
the school. Tina.
- I don't think I can drive.
- What?
I don't think I can drive myself home.
Oh, uh...
I can take you home if you want.
(whispers)
Maybe I should drive her home.
(whispers) You take my car.
I'm sorry I didn't recognise you
straightaway.
Hmm.
I'm not paying attention half the time.
I don't think I hit it full on.
It was more of a... a glancing blow,
really, not enough to kill it.
Maybe the poor thing was just old
or sick or something.
We didn't see it at all.
We ran it over,
but it must have been dead already,
or fatally injured at least.
I mean, at the end of the day,
it was an accident.
Does it matter who actually killed it?
What was she thinking, letting it
run around off the lead like that?
I mean, it's irresponsible,
it's careless, dangerous.
And then getting all hysterical.
I never had a dog, or any kind of pet.
Just one of those childhood things
I missed out on.
It's probably for the best.
You get attached to them,
you love them and then they die.
(window whirs)
(woman) Look, I'm not confused, OK?
There's nothing to be confused about.
I just wanna make sure
you get home safely, that's all,
but, you know, up to you.
This needs to be cleaned off.
What? I see nothing.
Don't tell me you can't see this.
It's nothing. I'll do it later.
No, no, no, I need to wash it off now.
I don't think that's a good idea,
cos you're in no fit state to be...
Don't tell me what state I'm in.
(man) I'd say
that's pretty clean now, Ashley.
You'll take the paint off in a minute.
(man groans)
(water runs)
Excuse me, but are you actually
going to buy something
or just use our facilities?
Steady on, lad.
I'm a regular here. Nearly done.
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh, it's all right, son.
- Right, that's it.
- I'm not done yet.
Get in the bloody car.
Here.
You tipped him for, like, nothing.
You've been scrubbing away at nothing
for the last ten minutes.
(engine revs)
(water runs)
(plane flies overhead)
(rattling)
(sighs)
"Scrubbing away at nothing, Ashley."
"Listen to me. Don't do that."
(plane flies overhead)
"Why don't you calm down?"
Mmm.
Mmm...
- (Steph) Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi.
Why didn't you call?
I could have picked you up.
Oh, that's OK. I needed the walk.
- Was she all right?
- Who?
- The girl.
- Oh, yeah, she's fine.
I've got some, um... got some clients
coming over tomorrow
and I'm not quite sure
what to show them.
Business folk from Cottbus.
Don't ask me how they found me. Cottbus.
Dad, so that...
that thing about the money...
Cottbus, for God's sake.
I don't even know where that is.
- (chuckles)
- Did you want it back?
Uh...
Well...
Germany. It's a...
It's a town in Germany.
Eastern Germany.
Well, northeast. Cottbus.
(chuckles)
You always do that.
You always surprise me
with your general knowledge.
It's incredible
that you know stuff like that.
I'd have to look it up.
I guess I should have, really.
I don't wanna beat around the bush, but
I'd kind of forgotten about that loan.
Yeah, me too. I mean,
good idea that you bought that flat.
And you must have made a good dent
in the mortgage by now.
Yeah, pretty good dent.
Yeah, so...
Mmm...
So how did you get on
with that girl in the end?
Ashley? Oh, I told you, she's fine.
She's, I mean, intriguing for sure,
that one.
(Steph) Intriguing?
Yeah, that's one way of putting it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(drilling)
(hammering)
(drilling)
(Tina) Tiling here.
Fill that hole.
Take the paint up to the batons.
Use masking tape, obviously.
Fill those holes.
And paint up above the cistern.
- Any questions?
- (woman) No, that's all clear.
(man) Yeah, crystal clear.
Uh... you need
to cover the ground completely.
Do you have enough sheets?
- (woman) Yeah, we've got everything.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Hundred percent. Don't worry.
Oh, I do worry.
Got detention?
- How's your dad?
- He's fine.
- Oh, yeah. And what about that girl?
- God, yeah, her.
- She's OK, I think.
- Oh, you know her, then?
No, never met her before.
- How about you? Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
You're doing a great job here
with the toilets.
Oh, well, I've got a good team.
That's all you need.
Someone's squashed a fly.
It occurred to me last night,
the dog, is it...
- What did you do with it?
- I'm sorting it.
To be clear, though, my doing it
is by no means an admission of guilt
or anything like that.
No, absolutely not.
(Ashley) Hmm.
So what do you think?
Hmm. Yeah.
Nice. How did you come by them?
Car boot sales, charity shops, auctions.
- So...
- eBay, skips.
I mean, some of them I just found.
- You just found them?
- Mm-hm.
I'm good at creative finding, Jon.
Finding is an art,
and I do it exceptionally well.
So you've been collecting them.
Collecting, finding...
What is it exactly that you do?
What's the difference?
(chuckles)
OK, maybe I misunderstood the question.
Vernacular photography.
- Ver-what?
- It's a genre.
Amateur photographs
about everyday life.
(Ashley) If you say so.
(Jon) But someone's family album
isn't art, though.
Ashley, they're certainly nice,
but it's still just amateur stuff.
They have no value,
no art market value, at least.
That's exactly why I wanna exhibit them,
you know, put them in, um...
- Context?
- No, frames.
Do you wanna make money from them
or do you wanna just exhibit them
in some dreary community hall
or something?
Listen, art is a business,
and, you know, projects like this,
they're simply a hobby, you know.
And I'm a professional.
I wasn't after your involvement, Jon,
just your opinion,
your professional opinion.
Oh, that's it. That's the one
I was talking about yesterday.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean.
She does look a little bit like Steph.
A little bit? Are you kidding?
Have a proper look.
Yeah.
Interesting.
(door opens)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Aisha.
This is a surprise. Uh, how are you?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Um, I was just leaving, actually.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Not at all, not at all.
Don't dash off, Ashley.
I've got some of my soup on the go.
Oh, lovely.
Hope there's enough for me too.
Yeah, we were just discussing
Ashley's, um, collection.
It's a collection after all.
So, you're an artist?
Um...
More of a collector, you know, curator.
Anything that interests me, you know.
Objets trouvs.
It's not conventional art,
but you get what I mean.
Mmm.
Dad, have you got any wine or something?
Yeah. Here you go.
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Lovely. Thank you.
Oh, yes, now, then, this is one of my...
this is one of my favourites.
She's a... a wonderful artist.
Local lass, you know.
- Yeah.
- Nice. Very nice.
We finally agree on something.
- All right?
- Mm-hm.
(clattering)
(Jon) Here we go.
Yeah, that's plenty, thanks.
You need to keep yourself well fed
if you wanna work in the art world.
- Steph.
- Thanks.
(Jon) Be careful. It's hot, yeah?
Interesting wallpaper.
- But I chose that.
- Oh...
Perhaps it does need
a little refreshing, actually, Steph.
Mmm.
The dog didn't belong to me.
Yeah. I just happened to be there
when the other woman hit it.
I just... I felt sorry for it,
you know, a bit protective.
I don't know why.
I'm actually scared of dogs.
Anyway, I made the whole thing up.
Jon, you may know fuck all about art,
but you're an amazing cook.
(chuckles)
(Steph) Bit weird, isn't she?
Hmm.
Headstrong, for sure.
- And a bit of a liar.
- Mmm.
You think we should report the accident?
Oh...
No.
Listen, Dad,
I can't pay you back right now.
Oh?
Oh, I thought you were doing all right.
A decent job, and the same with Paul.
Jesus Christ.
Paul's got nothing to do with this.
Why do you need the money
right now anyway?
- Why didn't you tell me sooner?
- Tell you what?
- About your money problems.
- It's not money problems.
OK, uh, nearly 40,
secure job and no savings.
37, if you don't mind. Now, why do you
need the money for exactly anyway?
Well, I want to, um, uh...
- I want to invest.
- Invest? In what?
Um, they go up there. Right. Up there.
Yeah, that one. Yeah.
I've rearranged a few things.
Invest in what, Dad? The gallery?
(sighs)
Maybe I just want the money back,
no particular reason.
Whisky all right?
Yeah.
(hums)
(plane flies overhead)
(dashboard sunflower clunks)
- (squeals)
- Oh.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
- (hamster squeaks)
- Oh.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
- Are you Sam?
- No, I'm her son, Steve.
Ah, Steve, son of Sam.
(chuckles)
She's a bit under the weather,
so I'm looking after the shop for today.
- Oh.
- Just a cold, nothing serious.
Can I help?
Yes, um, I've been considering
for some time now, um,
and I'd like to adopt.
A pet. But I haven't quite
made my mind up yet.
I'm really not sure what.
Would you like to see
our newest arrivals?
Yes.
Oh, my God, they're adorable.
How could any right-minded person
abandon them?
Oh, they're not abandoned.
They're, um... They're mine, actually.
- Oh.
- (meowing)
- Let me show you the kittens.
- Oh, I'm really not a cat person.
Oh, you'll have to take a look.
They're super cute.
(meowing)
- Aw.
- (meowing)
Um, what does one usually do
with a deceased pet?
I was just wondering
what the correct procedure would be,
as a general rule,
or, you know, what's required by law.
Cos there probably is a law for that,
isn't there?
There are laws or rules
for everything these days.
And don't get me wrong,
I am in favour of rules.
Rules are good. Rules are very good.
Rules are, you know...
That's all that separates us from,
you know, like, the monkeys, chaos.
So laws are good
and I like, um, laws and rules.
(heavy breathing)
Say hello to Sheba.
You're a real expert
at ruining a moment.
Don't you like it?
Well, how old is it?
He looks bloody ancient.
She. It's a female. An old lady.
- Are you sure?
- Steve said so.
- Who's Steve?
- Son of Sam.
- Who's Sam?
- His mother.
First he showed me some kittens,
and they were very cute.
But then I saw Sheba
and there was this immediate connection.
Well, there was for me at least.
Sheba is not so much into relationships.
But... But I like her anyway.
She emanates something wise
and, um, ancient,
like one of those Egyptian cat figures.
Yeah.
(church bell rings)
(officer) No, I understand.
Don't worry about it for now.
Get Rach to deal with it, and get out
of the office. That's an order.
No buts. Bye.
The station's calling back in a minute.
Well, that's where I left them,
there, on that table, yesterday,
just after seeing some of my clients.
And you're absolutely, positively sure
this is where you last saw them?
And those clients you mentioned,
anything suspicious?
No. Honourable gentlemen
from Germany. Cottbus.
Very polite and knowledgeable young men.
- Cottbus?
- Cottbus, yeah.
They... They purchased two pictures
and paid in cash.
Oh, God.
Where the hell are they?
Hi, Rach. Anything useful?
Oh, interesting.
OK, thanks. See you tomorrow.
Huh?
What do you mean, not working?
Well, slow? How slow?
OK, but it's still working.
No, Rach.
Because it's taxpayers' money.
We got this computer,
what is it, five years ago?
We all get a bit slower as time passes.
As long as they still do the job.
Oh, right.
Ooh.
Time flies. I didn't know that.
No, I honestly thought
it was five years, seven, nine max.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Yeah, we should definitely consider.
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, Rach, I agree.
Yes.
Yeah, well, let's talk tomorrow.
I've gotta go.
Bye. Bye.
Your garden is infested with rabbits.
- What?
- Rabbits.
They're more or less
digging up the entire garden.
They didn't steal my paintings,
did they?
I'm just telling you.
Rabbits may look sweet and cuddly,
but they are a pest.
Cathryn, when I say I last saw
my paintings on this table yesterday,
I mean it, OK?
They must have been stolen.
- Why don't you make us some dinner?
- Oh, God.
My shift's just about over
and I'm starving.
Did they, um... Have they called back?
What did they say about Ashley?
Please, Jon,
one of your glorious creations.
You know, I'm not supposed to share
this kind of information with you.
Definitely not on an empty stomach.
You do realise this is
a blatant act of bribery, don't you?
How can feeding the hungry
be an act of bribery?
If anything, it's an act of compassion.
If you weren't my sister,
I'd report you to the police.
(chuckles)
- Your teeth seem fine to me.
- Hmm.
Chicken's no problem.
You don't wanna know.
You're right, I don't.
- Ooh.
- Right... come on.
What did you find out about our Ashley?
Hmm.
- Are you driving?
- Mmm.
The roads are quiet.
She and another girl were caught
breaking into holiday homes
in North Tawton, Devon.
A few years back, that is.
Nothing serious.
And more importantly,
nothing was stolen.
Well, a smashed window
and some bottles of wine emptied.
She was still a minor.
Got a slap on the wrist, that's it.
Remember that time you had to pick
Steph up from the police station?
She was going through a bit of a phase.
And you, Jon, you did the right thing.
You didn't overreact.
- Right.
- I liked that.
- Now, Ashley?
- What do you want me to do?
Bring her in,
interrogate her in a dark room,
with a lamp shining up her nostrils?
Why can't you take this more seriously?
Oh.
Well, never mind.
I'll do my own investigation.
OK. Don't do anything stupid.
Hello?
Hello?
(toilet flushes)
One second. Just one second.
(officer mutters)
Yes, young lady.
I would like to report an incident.
Right...
So, it occurred last Sunday,
you know, around...
Are you gonna take a note, you know,
write this down?
- I've made a note.
- Right, OK.
So it happened last Sunday,
late afternoon, around like 4pm.
I witnessed a road traffic accident
on the B602
involving a car and a dog, right?
The driver, female,
50 to 55, I don't know,
well, she stopped and got out.
And then the collision was followed
by another car, 30 to 40 seconds later,
and it just, you know, it just...
like, scrunch, like bang,
well, not bang, but just...
It run right over the dog and it was
lying there in the middle of the road.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
It was like a bloodbath.
- A bloodbath?
- Yeah.
Um, anyway, I pretended
that the dog was mine.
I mean, I don't know, I just felt
terrible for the poor little animal.
I just don't know
what came over me, so... yeah.
And now there's someone out there
who's missing their pet
and they don't know where it's got to.
What's your name, love?
Um, uh, Ashley. Ashley Powell.
So, Ashley, Ashley Powell,
what breed of dog was it?
- Size?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Colour?
Black? White? Grey? Green? Purple?
Brown... ish, I think.
- Brownish.
- Yeah.
You sure it was a dog?
- Could it have been a fox?
- No, it was definitely a dog.
Mmm. Well, had no dogs reported missing
here since Sunday, no.
Wasn't a cat, was it? Or a stoat?
Like a very, very skinny,
evil-looking sausage dog?
No, no.
Well, as you can see, we are very busy
here at the police station.
Pets aren't really our priority.
Might be better to try
the newsagent window?
- Maybe someone put a notice in there.
- Oh. You got a pen?
- Pen?
- Yeah, a pen.
Thank you.
Uh...
Yeah, the newsagent.
Board outside the community centre.
- Um, wasn't a hawk, was it?
- No, no wings.
No, they've just, um... just lost a hawk
down there by the Pembroke Tavern.
Massive thing, it was, huge,
like a vulture.
(squawks)
Swooped down, picked up a young kiddie
in the playground, yeah,
took it up, 100, 200, 300 feet up high,
up there in the sky,
like looking down over the town, like...
Aagh!
No, Johnny, no!
Don't struggle! Don't struggle!
Dropped it. It's come plummeting down.
Whaaaaa!
Luckily, the vicar, imagine this,
is out there sunbathing,
he's got a reflector on and that,
like mirror thing,
he's looked down, seen this little thing
come flying towards him.
He managed to jump up
in the nick of time, grabbed him.
- Saved him.
- Saved his life.
- It wasn't a hawk, no?
- No, no, it was a dog.
- Didn't think it would be.
- OK.
Oh, one last thing. My pen.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Favourite pen.
- Queen gave it to me.
- Oh, nice.
For valour.
(urinates)
(man) Do you know what?
I don't need you to tell me how to act.
(woman) If you're gonna ask for
my advice, I'm gonna give you advice.
(man) Yeah, OK, I asked for advice,
as a friend.
- And then you start accusing me...
- It was never gonna be as a friend.
You were talking about our relationship.
I wasn't talking about our relationship!
- I was talking about my relationship.
- OK, fine.
(man) You keep calling me a twat,
and that's not very nice to hear.
- (woman) Oh, my God. OK, grow up.
- Grow up?
Thank you so much
for your wonderful advice.
(snores)
(snoring)
You know, in life you sometimes
come to these decisions
where you can make the right choice
or the wrong choice,
and sometimes you know
you shouldn't make the wrong choice,
but you have to make the wrong choice
just to know that you've made a choice,
even though the wrong choice
turns out to be the wrong choice.
(Sheba meows)
And I feel awful about it.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
And I know I'm gonna be plagued
by nightmares.
And to be clear,
I deserve to be plagued with nightmares,
because what I've done
is a hundred percent inexcusable.
I even named her. Sheba.
- Think it's a good name for her.
- (meows)
- OK.
- How's your mum, by the way?
- Tea?
- Go on, yeah.
- Much better.
- Oh, good.
She was a famous queen
from the Bible. Sheba.
King Solomon was into her.
Do you have any coffee?
King Solomon was into cats?
- Cappuccino?
- Oh, yeah.
(meows)
- Oh, let me help you.
- No, no, no. No, you're good.
Sorry. That's the... That's the teacher
in me. Didn't mean to patronise you.
Here you go.
(groans)
Ex-army?
Oh, no, nothing as...
nothing as heroic as that.
Just a stupid teenage thing.
Ow. Ow.
(car drives past)
Oh, do you wanna close up?
- Um...
- Actually, no, let's keep it open.
Oh. Oh.
- Hiya. Are you OK?
- Hi. Sorry to disturb.
- No problem.
- Um, are you missing a dog?
No.
Do you know anyone who's missing a dog?
It's right...
right down the bottom of that hill.
- All right?
- And then take a right? Take a left?
- A right, yes, yes.
- Take a right. All right.
- Thank you, sir.
- OK.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(knocking)
Afternoon.
Um, I don't suppose you own a dog?
- Sorry, dear?
- Do you own a dog?
Come in.
The kettle's boiled.
Sit down, love.
Lovely picture, isn't it?
Yeah, it's very nice.
Have you got any more like that?
Milk? Sugar?
Hmm.
Go on, then.
My mother.
Daddy.
Ooh.
Oh, my wee brother.
(chuckles)
Ah.
And this is a picture of my best friend.
She was the first ever
female bus driver in Liverpool.
1953, that was.
We were going to elope on that bus.
But then I left Liverpool without her.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
("Mille Anni Pi Di Me")
(music continues)
Are you sure?
Oh, your dog.
I don't have a dog, dear.
- You need a lift?
- No.
I already explained everything
at the desk.
Not that the officer was interested.
Why'd you pretend it was your dog, then?
Honestly?
You should be out there
looking for the rightful owner.
It's not like I run over the poor thing.
I actually reported it to you guys,
you know.
That's what Jon and the other woman
should have done.
That's the grown-up thing to do.
You visited his gallery
the next day, right?
I wanted to show him something.
Pictures. Why?
Three of his paintings
have gone missing.
Come on. You don't actually think
I stole his rubbish paintings?
I wouldn't say it's all rubbish.
Some of it, maybe...
Pretentious and utter rubbish.
Yeah. Anyone can throw shit at a canvas
and call it art.
- So what do you do, Ashley?
- What do I do?
- Well, you study, work?
- You wanna know how I make a living.
I'm not a thief,
I can tell you that much.
My mum died...
My mum was in a car accident.
I had some insurance money.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Where's the other one?
Just cut it off.
Mono's better. Stereo's for losers.
For losers.
Just for the record,
Jon's my brother, well, half-brother.
Sorry to hear that.
(laughs)
Ashley... you were in that accident
with your mum.
And it left you deaf in one ear.
Isn't that right?
(woman, indistinct, on TV)
(woman on TV)
for the teas they craved so much.
They presented him with all sorts of
curiosities and scientific instruments,
but despite all efforts,
he remained unimpressed.
(door opens)
- Hi, Tina.
- Hi.
Hmm.
- The... The dog.
- What about it?
Could you help me with it? I haven't...
Jesus. Have you still got the dead dog?
I think it deserves a proper send-off,
to be buried somewhere,
and I can't... can't face it on my own.
Yeah. Yeah, of course I'll help you.
Great.
So, how long
have you been teaching, then?
Oh, God. Uh, nine, ten years.
Well, I used to be an accountant,
you know.
I was pretty good at it, actually,
completing spreadsheets and all of that.
- Accounting?
- Yeah.
I love numbers,
or getting creative with them,
if you know what I mean.
What is the matter
with all these chairs?
They all need fixing.
- Yeah, it's no masterpiece.
- Yeah. No.
- I mean, sure, it's...
- Bloody ugly.
Well, you know
you can get them removed these days?
- I don't wanna get rid of it.
- No, of course not.
I went to prison for a bit.
Not for anything nasty.
Just some money laundering.
- Money laundering?
- Mmm.
Something like that. It's complicated.
Money... I mean, I don't even know
how you go about money laundering.
- How did you get involved?
- My husband.
Money laundering?
I mean, you hear about it all the time
on the news, on the telly,
but I don't think
I could explain it to the kids
if they asked me what exactly it is,
how it works.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Well, as I said, it's complicated.
And what about your husband?
What about him?
Uh...
Well, it was his brainchild,
but, um, once he'd set it all up,
I was doing all of the work
and he was doing all of the spending.
Hmm.
They never caught him.
As a matter of fact,
they never caught anyone except for me.
They all managed to flee the country,
the entire gang. Lucky bastards.
I still sometimes miss him.
No, not him. That came out wrong.
Them. I miss them,
the team, the time, the camaraderie.
It was good fun while it lasted,
and I miss that sometimes.
Bloody hell, Tina.
Come on, let's do it.
- What?
- The dog.
Come on.
- Now?
- Yep. Right now. Let's go.
Oh...
- (Tina) You all right?
- Yeah.
(grunting)
(Tina) Really... Yes.
How big is the dog?
(Steph) Really fucking big.
- I don't think we're gonna get that.
- We are.
(Tina) For fuck's sake.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
I just... I need a cigarette.
- You're doing a good job, Steph.
- Thanks. I think we'll be OK.
- Whoa!
- Whoa.
Careful with that spade, missy.
Are you OK?
- Jesus.
- Give me the spade.
What the hell were you thinking,
sneaking up on me like that?
All right.
- It's not what it looks like.
- And what does it look like?
We're not trespassing, are we?
Whatever the pair of you is up to,
make sure you bury it deep enough.
Have a good day.
Just...
- You could have killed the man.
- He's a fucking idiot.
"We're not trespassing, are we?"
Thanks for helping me with this.
No worries.
Perhaps we should tell that girl.
Oh...
Yeah...
Uh, it's... it's not actually her dog.
What? What do you mean,
it's not her dog?
She made it up,
pretended it was her dog,
for the sake of drama, I guess.
Well, whose dog
have we just buried, then?
Maybe it was a stray.
Come on, let's go.
She lied? Why would she lie
about a thing like that?
I don't know, Tina.
She must have had her reasons.
You coming?
Two hundred quid every month,
standing order.
- Does that sound OK?
- Oh, forget about it.
I don't want that stupid money.
It'll all be yours soon anyway.
That's very dramatic, Dad.
Steph, I don't really need the money,
and I'm sorry I brought it up, OK?
OK.
- Want a drink?
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Uh...
I think a couple of paintings
have been stolen from the gallery.
- What?
- Yeah, well, they've gone missing.
- When did that happen?
- Um, a couple of... couple of days ago.
And? Have you told the police? Cathryn?
Well... the truth is, I might have
misplaced them and I'm not sure.
Um...
I, um... I... I remember clearing the
walls after the, um, the Cottbus lot,
and I was happy,
I was excited, you know.
They paid a good price.
They didn't even haggle, you know.
I mean, very charming
and well spoken, polite.
Keen to know everything
about the artist.
Yes, yes, right, Dad. The pictures.
Yeah, well, I've, um...
I've looked everywhere for them.
Would you like me to help you look?
Mmm.
Ashley?
Ashley?
What do you want?
Hi.
I tried to call you.
I was busy.
- Did you get my messages?
- I did.
Now, look, Ashley,
I never said you stole anything, OK?
Now, you've got to believe me, OK?
Now, come on, don't be so...
Don't be so what?
Well, why didn't you return my calls?
OK, so let me just
get this straight, right?
You just happened to forget
they were in your garage?
That's what you're saying?
Your precious little masterpieces
left in a damp garage?
It scares me a bit, actually,
cos I've never misplaced
anything like that before, so...
I'm sorry.
All right? I just thought...
I mean, it's not like I called the cops.
Cathryn is family.
I mean, she's not real law enforcement.
Have some mercy
on an old forgetful man, eh?
OK, you're not that old, all right?
Your sister's nice, though.
A bit of a Sherlock Holmes.
Come on.
(sighs)
Mmm.
- Where'd you get these?
- Oh, I stole them.
(chuckles)
Yeah, from a sweet, old, helpless lady.
- She even gift-wrapped it for me.
- Mmm.
I mean, I forced her. Well,
I have that effect on people, so...
Scary.
So, that job offer,
have you thought about it?
- What job offer?
- Gallery assistant, Jon.
- We talked about this.
- Eh?
Great. I start Monday?
Amazing.
Let's go and get a drink to celebrate.
Yeah, you're good, Ashley.
You're very good.
(woman) We went for a last walk.
Like an old couple.
Through the woods.
The meadows along the road.
Revisiting those spots
where we liked to stroll.
Happy memories.
That's important.
You have to build happy memories
for the end.
That's what life is about.
Collect as many nice moments
so you've got something
to go back to at the end.
That's what we did.
Let him have a final pee, say goodbye.
Before taking him to the vet.
It's not the first time
I've had to put down a dog,
and this time round
I wanted to be there.
Be there for him.
Until the last moment.
Hold him.
Till his last breath.
(chuckles)
They are clever creatures.
They know full well
what's about to happen.
And suddenly he disappeared. Gone.
I was looking for him for hours.
Didn't want him to die on his own
somewhere in a ditch.
Cup of tea, Doreen?
Um... Uh...
I've got something to do, um...
Another time.
Any time, Doreen.
- How you doing?
- Ashley. What can I get you?
Yeah, let's get the usual.
Who's that you're with?
- Oh, my uncle.
- Uncle, eh? What's his name?
- Jon.
- Oh, yeah.
- A little bit more.
- Bit more?
- Yeah.
- You should go easy with this.
- It's an acquired taste.
- Thank you.
- Free?
- Yeah, yeah, on the house.
Go on, enjoy yourself.
- I told him you were my uncle.
- Eh?
Grappa.
- You never tried grappa before?
- Grappa?
Yeah, it's like an Italian whisky.
Oh! Uh!
I make a great niece, eh?
Why would you tell him I'm your uncle?
I don't know.
Oh, God.
- No, I need a beer or something.
- He's not licensed, though.
Yeah, well, I can't start
the evening off on shots. Sorry.
- Hello.
- Oh, Uncle Jon! What can I do for you?
Oh, uh, right,
do you have something lighter,
like, um, I don't know,
a beer or something, perhaps?
Lovely niece. Nice. Very nice niece.
- Is that a no?
- (car horn beeps)
- Oh, bugger.
- What?
- It's my other niece.
- Che bello! Family reunion?
Worse than that, I'm afraid.
Hello. What are you two doing here?
We could ask you the same, actually.
- Yeah, what are you doing here?
- It's not members only, is it?
We're celebrating.
Oh, yeah?
What exactly are you celebrating?
My new job.
She's good.
Hmm.
These are lovely.
Uh!
- He didn't think so.
- That's not strictly true, Ashley.
I only doubted their commercial value.
You called them vana... stuff.
- Vernacular. Vernacular.
- Well, I think they're beautiful.
- Thanks, Tina.
- I'd buy one. You must exhibit.
(Ashley) Well, I've actually been
planning something for a while, so...
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
So what's the title of your exhibition?
- Do I need one?
- What does the expert say?
Well, exhibitions
usually do have a title, yeah.
You can't call it Vernacule,
that's for sure.
Um...
How about Portraits or something?
- Portraits?
- Yeah, like Portraits of...
- Much better.
- Dangerous Women.
- (laughs)
- Exactly.
(Tina) You all right?
- Why is that funny?
- Yeah, what's so funny about that, Jon?
Well, you must admit, none of them
look particularly dangerous.
And what do dangerous women
look like, Jon?
Yeah, tell us, Jon,
what do dangerous women look like?
(chuckles)
- I don't know.
- (Tina) Hmm.
Well, I like it. Thanks, Tina.
- Let's get some more in, shall we?
- (Tina) Yeah.
Oh.
Marco.
(chuckles)
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you,
what are you doing on Friday night?
- Friday...
- This Friday? Thank you.
Yeah. Because I am having a party.
What?
- I think I'm busy this Friday.
- (Ashley) Jon, no, no, no.
- Never say no to a party.
- There you go.
You've got a lot to learn, old man.
- Moon story.
- What?
- Moon story.
- The moon st...?
You mean the moon dance.
in Florence...
- Jon.
- Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.
So what do you say? Salut?
Salute. Not French. Salute.
- What is it? I'm taking this.
- Where's she going with that?
So, listen...
- Hey, bring it back. Give it here.
- (laughs)
It's mine now.
("Isabella")
- (Jon) It's a very expensive hat.
- (Ashley) Turn it up. Turn it up.
- (Jon) Tina, look after that hat.
- (Ashley) Turn up the music.
- Yes.
- (volume increases)
- (Jon) Is that better?
- (Ashley) That's better.
Tina. Tina. Heads up.
Let me show you the dance.
OK. OK. OK.
(Tina) I don't think you should do it.
I don't think you should do it.
I've got it. I've got it.
- (Tina) No. No.
- I've got it.
(laughs)
Ooh.
(music continues)
Ooh. Ooh.
No. No.
I'm not going to be part of you
having your first cigarette.
No. No. No.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Give me, give me.
Got it? Have you got it?
Where's my camera?
It's nature herself.
She inspires me. She energises me.
She drives me to paint, to create.
May I humbly suggest there's an echo
of our classical landscape tradition.
Classical?
(Ashley) Hmm.
Humbly suggest.
By classical, I mean a timeless quality.
Perhaps.
Uh, well, thank you
for your, uh, presentation,
but I'm... I'm currently not taking on
any new artists.
But you should head over
to Mark Gilhan. Yeah?
- He's a... He's a wonderful man.
- I saw him last week.
He said you were wonderful too.
He did, did he?
OK. So what would you have done?
I kind of liked it.
I mean, it's no Monet, but...
Or did you just feel sorry for him?
You know, dealing with the art
means dealing with the artist,
the person, Ashley.
Most have suffered a hundred rejections
and will never sell one work.
Always remain respectful,
and never take pity.
If, you know,
you thought his work was sell able,
despite it being a bit shit,
you know, would you?
You know, would you have taken him on?
That's exactly it, Ashley.
Now you're asking the right questions.
(Tina clears throat)
Two minutes, Tina.
No, no, you...
you just do your thing and I...
Um...
Where's the...?
Uh... Hmm...
Are you all right?
Was there something else you wanted?
Um...
Yeah, I was just wondering, um...
I'm throwing a small party,
it's actually more of a gathering,
and I wondered if you and the boys
wanted to come along.
- It'd be lovely if you could.
- Oh.
- What's the occasion?
- Oh, no specific reason.
Well, actually, it's my divorce.
Divorce? Your divorce?
Yeah. It's... It's finally come through.
All done and dusted.
And I thought starting over
is worth raising the odd glass or two.
Sure. Divorce parties, all the rage.
Yeah. Uh, it's tomorrow,
which is a bit short notice, I know.
Great. I'll pass it on.
- Great.
- Who else is coming?
Just some friends.
A few... A few friends.
It's in the assembly hall,
so you can ask whoever you like.
- There's room for all.
- It's here, in the school?
Yeah. Yeah, it's not entirely
above board, so, um, keep it schtum, OK?
OK, cool.
Right. Cool.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Two hundred for the three.
OK, let's say if I sell them
in the next couple of months,
I'll come back, get two more,
same price guaranteed.
Your offer is very much appreciated,
but I can't possibly let them go
at that price.
I mean, each frame alone costs 25.
In which case,
we've gotta talk about framing costs.
I understand, but, you see,
frame and painting are one.
I work with the frames attached,
so paint actually
spills off the canvas onto them.
It's part of my technique,
my concept, so to speak.
(artist chuckles)
(artist sighs)
But I see your point.
I'll just produce
the next few frame less.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. With frames, OK?
Definitely with frames.
270, then.
Five. Five hundred.
Let's see.
372, 374, 21 pence.
I'll throw the box in too.
(Steph) Paul!
What's going on?
Isn't this a bit rushed?
Steph... when you came home
with that cat...
We should have ended this
a long time ago.
- Because of the cat?
- A nearly dead cat.
A probably dead by now cat.
Sheba. She had a name.
Sheba. Rest in peace.
- But where will you stay?
- With my mum.
What have you told her?
You know she adores you.
Shall I help you pack?
Yeah.
- That's definitely mine.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
That's OK.
- How was your day?
- Yeah, all right.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- This is definitely yours.
- And this is yours.
Yeah.
Looks good, that, though.
- Did you ever read it?
- Yeah, when we were in Greece.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, he's weird, isn't he?
Yeah, very weird. I didn't sleep
very well after reading that.
No, I remember.
Come on, Jon, when was the last time
you went to a party?
I've never really been a party animal,
to be honest. Good grief.
This is where your daughter teaches,
isn't it?
This is where my daughter teaches.
Precisely.
It's a school, not a bloody party venue.
It seems rather inappropriate to me.
- (Ashley) Or are you scared of Tina?
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Wow.
- (Tina) Sweetheart.
- Oh, my God!
- You look amazing!
- Thank you.
Wow!
Listen, I've been thinking about those
photographs and the whole art thing,
and I think it's a brilliant idea.
- I think you're brilliant.
- Thanks, Tina.
No, it's a wonderful idea
and I'm sure you're going to make it
happen and go a long way.
Well, I've actually taken on an artist.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's gonna work for me,
like Andy Warhol-style.
Brilliant. So, how about this?
How about you have your exhibition
in my garden shed?
- It's empty.
- Shed?
- Yeah.
- Shed?
It's not the Tate, of course, but it's
not a bad venue for your vernissage.
Ashley wants to show her photographs,
not her prize vegetables.
- What makes you think...
- You lot.
I told you not to bring anything.
Can't you just follow
my instructions for once?
Tina, Tina. Mm-mm!
Your Very Royal Highness,
Empress of the School,
there is no way you can tell us
how to party.
Hello.
Thank you.
- (Jon) Hello there.
- Amazing.
- Hi.
- All right?
- Cheers, mate.
- Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
- Nice to meet you.
- Right, yeah.
- Anything I can do?
- I don't know. Is there?
Well, that amplifier's probably
steam-driven by the look of it.
- Funny. Next?
- (laughs)
OK, easy.
You're made of even harder stuff
than your Aunt Tina.
- My Aunt Tina?
- Not that it scares me off.
I can handle thick-skinned.
What, is she not?
This is probably not gonna...
Have you tried...?
(speaker buzzes)
- Oh! Ha-ha!
- (cheering)
- Finally.
- Yeah!
(Jennifer Touch:
"Chemistry (Llewellyn's Retouch)")
- Oh, Steph, Steph, Steph.
- Hi.
Um, there was this one time.
This was really, really bad.
We were on a flight,
and he upgraded his own flight
and he didn't upgrade mine.
His own seat, row three, and he said,
"I'm here and you're just off
in seat 2020" or whatever it was.
I just got into my seat
and I just closed my eyes,
and I mentally hummed...
- (Jon) Right, beer.
- Yeah, that's good, that's good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- You look amazing.
- So do you.
- Aw. Thanks so much for inviting me.
- Well, thanks for coming.
- I love your bag.
- Thank you.
- This looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- (Jon) Steph.
- (Steph) Yep? Oh, thank you.
(Hot Chip: "Over and Over")
Dad. I'll be back.
Dad. Dad, come and dance.
- No, come on, come on, come on.
- No, no, no.
- I don't dance.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't dance.
- Yeah.
Hey! Thank you.
- Right, show me your moves.
- I haven't got any.
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back
We'll give you playback
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back...
Under and under and under
and under and under
The spell of repetition
really is on you
And when I feel this way
I really am with you
Laid back
Laid back
Laid back
I'll give you playback
Over and over and over
and over and over...
(radio bleeps)
School's secure.
Must have been a false alarm.
Foxes... possibly. Over.
(officer) Foxes?
Yep, foxes. Over.
(Ruby Taylor: "Find Another")
He's all right, your dad.
- What?
- Don't worry.
I'm not considering becoming
your step mum or anything like that.
Steph-mum.
(laughs)
Come on, then,
give us another flash of that tattoo.
Oh.
I mean, Tina, what the hell?
- Take that out.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Right, what else do I have to do?
(Illustre: "Dimension Parallle")
(whooping)
(Tina) Get down, Steph.
(Steph) Yeah!
Ashley, crank it up! Louder!
Louder! Crank it up!
(volume increases)
- Tina! Tina!
- Stop, Steph.
Yeah!
(music stops)
(Linda Manning:
"Bonjour Tristesse (Hello Sadness)")
Hello, sadness
Only loneliness
For me
When you walked out the door
I said goodbye, amour
Happiness was gone
Forever more...
- (siren wails)
- Bonjour, tristesse
Hello, sadness...
(officer) Cathryn,
are you still at the school?
I'm on it. Copy that. Over.
(sirens wail)
When you walked out the door
I said goodbye, amour
(indistinct hospital announcement)
(whirring)
(Tina) How are we?
We pretended that we're family
and they believed us.
How bad is it?
- You're fine.
- Where's my dad?
Broken arm, um, some bruising,
a few bits. You'll live.
You will need some help
for a while, though.
- We'll look after her, won't we?
- I'm not wiping her arse.
For God's sake.
It's the last thing I needed.
- What did the school say?
- Oh, not much.
I explained what happened and they're
just glad you didn't do more damage.
Really?
They fired me, though.
- They fired you?
- Yeah, on the spot.
- Let me talk to them. I can explain.
- No, no, no.
- They can't fire you.
- No, Steph, it's fine.
I was gonna quit anyway
and do something else.
It wasn't really my thing.
Well, if you're going, I'm going too.
Don't be silly.
I got you fired.
- Do you hate me now?
- You didn't get me fired.
But you did ruin my party.
- Here we are. Coffee, yeah?
- Yeah, black.
- Black, yeah.
- Thank you.
Here you go, darling. Are you in pain?
Are you? I got you tea.
- Thank you.
- And...
I got you this.
Do you want me to open it up?
- Yes, please.
- I'd better, hadn't I?
Right...
There's four sticks.
- So we could all have one.
- Yeah.
Do you want me to drive you home?
Sister.
- All I said was can I drive you home?
- Really?
Yeah.
OK.
Excuse me. Hello, young lady.
Yep? Can we help you?
You must be Ashley.
Cathryn told me I'd find you here.
- Do you know Cathryn?
- Depends who's asking.
Cathryn told me
you'd say something like that.
Um, I'm Doreen, the owner of the dog.
Alexander.
I believe you found him.
- Uh, sort of, but not...
- It was an accident.
I know.
I know.
But where is he?
We... I buried him.
A couple of days after the accident.
It was a decent burial.
Intimate, but...
Would you mind showing me the grave?
- What, now?
- Do you have any other plans?
- I'm free.
- OK.
(bird screeches)
It's definitely here.
OK.
(grunts)
(Jon) Guess you were right.
Hmm?
- The show. Those photographs.
- I'm almost always right.
So what's the plan?
No plans, really.
Might even go abroad for a while.
I haven't decided.
Oh. You're leaving us.
You know how it is, Jon.
You get used to someone,
like them even, and then they leave.
In the end, everyone leaves.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, I'm all right, thanks.
Actually, yes, I would, please.
Just a...
Small one?
So this one took about two months
to complete.
- (Steph) Ashley.
- I mean, if you look at the edges...
Ashley.
I'm... I'm busy. What is it?
Do you remember
you said that she looks like me?
Sorry. Uh...
- Yeah, still does. Why?
- How much do you want for it?
This one's 50.
Cash. No receipts, no returns.
- Let me get this.
- Absolutely not, no.
It's mine. I want it, I'll get it.
- It's a deal.
- Deal.
Ashley. Ashley.
- Just give me a second, Claude.
- Excuse me.
They're very keen.
(Tara Cunningham: "I Talk To Myself")
Hi.
- This is my gallerist, Ashley.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sorry.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.