Post Grad (2009) Movie Script
Hey! It's me again.
This is a very special day.
This is day 756...
of my college experience...
otherwise known as... graduation day!
Whoo! Ah!
Wait for it.
I got the whole outfit. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have been planning
for this day for my entire life.
- Um, when I was a kid, I devised
this plan... -
that I cleverly called "The Plan."
Uh, " Dad can't make it to graduation today.
Big shocker.
Can I join you guys for lunch?"
Absolutely.
This is great, because nobody
runs parental interference quite like Adam.
We've been best friends since freshman year.
# This is Ryden's study song #
# I worked on it so damn long #
# It's to give encouragement #
# For your big test today #
Anyway, the plan is pretty straightforward.
One, kick ass in high school...
so that I can get...
two... a fatty scholarship.
Three, limit my beer pong enough...
to keep said scholarship,
which I did, and...
Oh.
Hi, Ryden. Jessica Bard here.
Just wanted to clean the slate.
I'm sorry I nabbed valedictorian...
but you have to believe
I will do an excellent job.
Jessica Bard... my own personal Darth Vader
since the third grade.
Back to the master plan.
Number four. Most importantly...
land a sweet job at the finest
publishing house in all of L. A...
Happerman & Browning,
where I will no doubt...
discover the next great American novel.
All right.
So that's the plan. This is it.
Malby signing off, about to embark on
the first day of the rest of my life.
And, hey,
if you're at graduation, come say hi.
I'll be the one in black. Bye!
# You stumble down a yellow brick road #
# Spinning your shoes in the air#
# The air#
# Then you hold your breath
and count to nine #
# Hoping that soon
somebody will find you #
# Find you #
# Go on, go on, go on #
# The stars are watching #
# Just say, just say, just say #
# What you're feeling #
# You know, you know, you know #
# You gotta take a bow
and do it your way #
# It's okay-ay #
# La-dada, da-dada, da-dada #
# It's okay-ay #
- # La-dada, da-dada, da-dada ##
- Please welcome your class valedictorian...
Jessica Bard, with
tonight's keynote address.
All right, Jessica!
Rock on, Jessie!
Class of 2009, it is my great honor...
to welcome you to this evening's
graduation ceremony.
I stand before you with two age-old words:
Carpe diem.
When we walk out these doors...
I challenge each of us
to not only seize the day...
but to clutch it with both hands.
- You go first.
- To squeeze it...
- Shh!
- with all your strength.
And drain every last...
- living, breathing...
- Could you move down a little?
victorious moment out of it.
Like when a Trojan decides...
...to plunge his blade into the beating
heart ofhis enemy. -
He realizes it's not for
his own personal glory.
- He does it for the better good of the
community as a whole. -
- We must remember that our
generation is smarter... -
...stronger and better equipped than those that
came before us. - Ma'am! Could you keep it down?
- And now...
- I'm dying.
it is our responsibility...
to forge ahead and stake
our rightful claim at the top.
- You know what? This calls for a toast.
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you say, huh? Glasses up.
- Hear, hear. Yes.
- To Ryden.
- To Ryden.
- To Ryden.
- Who I'm very proud of.
Mmm. And to Adam.
The A-Man, who's here because we like him.
He's also here because
his dad was too busy to come...
and, uh, his mom couldn't
come because, um...
'cause she's dead and...
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
- To your dead mother.
- Hmm. Cheers.
- Cheers.
Anyway, honey, now that you're
out there looking for a job...
maybe you, uh, you know,
come down and work with me.
Uh, she's already got something lined up.
Tell 'em about the big interview.
At Happerman & Browning, Monday at 10:00.
- Wow!
- Hey!
And my thesis adviser is best friends
with the chief editor...
and has already put in
a good word and everything.
And they are building
these loft apartments...
like a block away from the offices, so...
They have these sweeping city views.
I could walk to work.
Didn't I tell you?
What do you see over there?
What do you see right here on this wall?
Uh, white paint.
- Bookshelves!
- Oh.
All my babies,
floor to ceiling, organized by title.
- No, by author. No, by genre.
- Okay. Settle down.
It's amazing. I'll take it.
- Really?
- Really?
Yes! I can feel it.
It's everything I ever imagined.
Hello? I love it.
Here. I've already filled
out the application.
All right then. I'll need a check
for first and last month's rent...
plus security deposit, so $3,500.
Done and done.
Uh... Hey, don't you think...
you're getting a little ahead
of yourself there, killer?
No. No, I don't. I will
have enough money soon.
Okay, well, right here you wrote
"Happerman & Browning" under "employer"...
but you're not actually an employee of them.
In a couple of hours,
that will be true too, so...
Maybe.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
I'm hoping to
start moving my stuff in on Saturday.
Just as soon as I call your references.
And your check clears.
# Wake up, wake up
wake the sun #
# Wake up, wake up
hanging like...##
Are we okay? Do we have enough time?
Don't worry. We got plenty of time.
Hey, what's up with Columbia?
Did you hear back yet?
Uh, big envelope, so...
I don't know. I guess I got in.
Wait. Adam.
You might've gotten into law school...
and you haven't even
opened the envelope yet?
The shrug? Adam, you know
how I feel about the shrug.
Another shrug? Adam. I got the double shrug?
Hey, this is your day, okay?
Shit!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Okay. No, calm down. Calm down.
- You just calm down.
- Oh... My car! He killed my car!
No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, calm down.
His insurance will pay for it.
- Uh! Look...
- It's fine. I'll take...
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
- Yes?
- Happerman & Browning offices?
Uh, yes. Eighteenth floor.
- Okay.
- Uh, uh... Excuse me, ma'am.
You got something going on right here.
Oh!
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Happerman & Browning. Please hold.
Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00. Thank you.
Happerman & Browning. Please hold.
Hi. I'm Ryden Malby. I have an
interview with Barbara Snaff at 10:00.
Yeah. We're actually running
about two hours behind...
so just fill this out and have a seat with
the rest of the applicants, hmm?
Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00. Thank you.
Sorry.
Yes, Miss Snaff. Right away.
Stacy Moore?
Joe Schrader?
Caroline Hirsch.
Jeffrey Beales?
Kimberly Rice? Beth Brandon.
BarryJenkins. Gregory O'Bryant?
Ryden Malby?
Hello.
- Please. Take a seat.
- Thank you.
All right. You... You just graduated, yes?
- Yes, I...
- Major?
- English, with an emphasis...
- Minor?
- Communications.
- Internships?
I actually did three internships...
Penguin, Random House...
And Time Warner.
So, why do you want this job?
Because... this is not just a job to me.
This is... This is what I love.
This is what I'm good at.
When I was 11, at summer camp, all the
other kids would go down to the lake...
and I would be finishing
Catcher in the Rye...
'cause I couldn't get enough
of Holden Caulfield.
And at 13, Bukowski's Post Office...
the most explicit,
inappropriate thing I'd ever come across.
It was like sex ed,
except awesomely foul-mouthed.
Well, I guess what I'm getting at is
that books are all I know...
and everything I love, and...
I want this job because...
well, because I can't imagine
ever doing anything else.
All right. Good. Thank you for coming in.
I got it. Thank you.
- Jessica?
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
They just called me in for a little meeting.
Is that a bow? That's nice.
Jessica Bard?
- Barbara. Pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
Dean Brunswick just called me about you.
So glad I could fit you in.
Please.
I can get another job.
It won't be a problem.
I'm a college graduate.
Well, I didn't know you
were a college graduate.
Okay.
That Happerman & Browning thing...
It just wasn't meant to be.
- You know that, right?
- Yeah.
It's fine.
You should eat one of these.
No, thanks.
You're turning down an Eskimo Pie?
- Mmm.
- Oh, come on. All right.
Every evil, terrible thing
that ever occurs in the world...
is directly offset...
counterbalanced, if you will...
by the complete,
utter joy of biting into an Eskimo Pie.
It's... It's the way
we maintain balance in the universe.
Come on.
Mmm.
Does anyone ever say no to you?
You do all the time.
Okay. Take a bite.
Mmm. Hmm, hmm.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, yeah! It's like God's
just giving birth in my mouth.
Okay. That is the girl
that I fell in love with...
but harbors nothing but platonic feelings
for me, unfortunately.
Y... Your foot is freezing. It's 90
degrees outside, and your foot is freezing.
My feet are always freezing.
I have the feet of an 80-year-old man.
Ooh, that's hot.
Oh, so good.
Mmm.
Wait, wait. Hold... Hold on.
No.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Shh.
No!
Dad.
Juanita. Wow.
Didn't recognize you
without the cash register.
Hi, Adam.
What the hell are you doing here?
Funny.
I was about to ask you the same thing.
- It's my store.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Sorry, Mr. Davies. - Wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I'm really glad you're here.
'Cause you haven't
been home for a while...
...and you definitely were
not at my graduation.
Look, I don't wanna
get into this with you right now.
- Come on. It's time to go.
- Wait. Juanita, is he paying...
I hope he's paying you overtime for this,
'cause you do have rights.
You should call your union.
Well, welcome back home.
Bet you're excited.
Well, let's have a little look-see here.
- There she is! Hi!
- Hey, Mom.
She's home!
Oh, look at that. That's just a crime. Oh!
- Welcome back, baby.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
- Uh, Dad, that's gotta get into the shop.
- Huh?
Uh, I'm not so sure.
- What are you doing? - I'm just
looking it over. Gonna be all right.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You... You're not thinking
about fixing this yourself, are you?
Yeah. Just have some faith
in my abilities, honey.
- Usually there's a spot, if I can
just hear it. - But... Dad!
- You've never fixed a car before.
- Honey.
At one point, I'd never roundhouse-kicked
a man in the neck before either.
Now I do it every Wednesday.
My mind's like a sea sponge, honey.
When the synapses get going in Walter
Malby's mind... boom, boom, boom...
It's gonna be fun.
Don't worry about the car. I got it.
I got the car covered.
Let me give you a hand there, Adam.
That-a-boy.
Good. Look at you. You're a self-starter.
Walter! Walter! Walter! Walter!
- Watch your step there. You should
wear work gloves. - There's a derby!
There's a boxcar derby!
Can we make a boxcar?
- Not now. Not now.
- Pretty please? The derby's next month!
- Can we make a boxcar?
- Oh, geez.
Son of a bitch.
Look at that.
I knew it. Son of a bitch.
Third time. Third G.D. time!
Goddamn it. That's it.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- Look at this. I gotta...
- Walter, no. Don't. Honey?
- Dad, come back.
What? Goddamn.
- We could go home and clean it. - No.
I gotta talk to him. I'll talk to this guy.
You don't need to disturb him. I mean...
He's not home.
I know he's not working. I don't think
he has a job. Goddamn it. Where is he?
Hi.
Hi.
Um...
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Your cat has now crapped on my doorstep,
in my yard...
and now on my driveway, which around here...
is like church to me.
- Okay? That's sanctuary.
- Well...
I'm really sorry, sir. I am...
I'll talk to him. Yeah. I'll talk to him.
- See you later.
- Okay.
Today you are getting a job.
Today... you're getting a job.
Today.
# What do you say #
# When people turn you away #
# Do you just turn your back #
# And quickly walk away #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #
The bottom line is, what I lack in
experience, I make up for in vision.
And what I don't know...
I make up for with passion.
# My world, it's on fire now #
# My world is turned upside down #
# And I don't know what to do #
# Without you #
I'm driven. Full of ideas.
I'm upbeat.
Most importantly, I am
incredibly enthusiastic...
About the work your company is doing.
Really? Like what?
#Don't give me a hard time ##
Hunter, I hate getting these calls.
What did I tell you about
licking the kids' heads?
- Don't do it.
- That's right. Ever.
- Okay?
- Fine.
I mean, I know you
like the way it tastes,
but some kids don't like
having their heads licked.
Hey!
How'd it go?
I asked the V.P. if she was pregnant.
- No. She was just fat.
- Oh. Well, that's hard sometimes.
I'm gonna call my friend
Betty from high school.
She owns an indie publishing company.
I'm gonna ask her for a favor.
I'm just gonna do it.
Dad already called her.
Betty's dead.
- Really?
- She died.
That's a shame.
What is it?
- Oh, my God.
- What?
What do you guys think? This one?
Or that little mahogany
number I was in earlier?
Hey, Hunter, come here.
What do you think of Grandma spending
her eternal slumber in this one, huh?
I love it!
- Let's talk about casket ornamentation.
- Ornamentation?
Yes. Casket ornamentation adds a personal
touch many families find comforting.
And we offer a variety of custom corners
and commemorative panels...
to highlight a loved one's passions.
Whatever you want, you could put it
right there on your commemorative panel.
It'll be right with you
through the afterlife.
I'm just not sure about all this.
Thank you.
Really? What do I have to do to put you in
one of my coffins today?
How about a little
magnesium seepage protection system?
Whoa.
That's $18,000.
That's the exact same...
...corrosion and rust technology
that protects our Alaskan pipeline.
- That's what that is.
- That's $18,000.
You know, she's absolutely right.
I mean, why spend all that money...
when there's probably
a nice local ditch somewhere...
you could take me to
and dump me in for free?
Oh, Maureen, we'd never do that.
No, no, no, no! No!
Ooh.
Special delivery.
I got a cell phone, credit card...
student loan and, last but not least...
one more little item...
I thought you might wanna see.
- Look at that.
- Mmm.
Come on!
Thanks.
Hey.
Got an idea. Since it concerns your future,
I need you to pay attention.
- You listening?
- No. Dad...
Listen to me. Listen to me. Ready?
Buckles.
Buckles.
Yeah. Belt buckles.
Million-dollar niche business.
They're going crazy on the Internet.
Who do you think met a distributor,
is gonna start his own company?
But, Dad, what about The Luggage Shack?
They just made you regional manager.
You gotta think big picture here.
You gotta have vision.
You know what I'm saying?
You just gotta see the...
And since none of this other crap
is really working out for you...
More than likely... gonna
need a vice president.
V.P.
- You go out there and
drum up some business. -
Come on. Let's go out there and put
some buckles on belts. What do you say?
Are you ever gonna actually open that?
It's made a long journey from New York.
I'm letting it breathe.
- You know, Adam, if you don't wanna go...
- Don't give me that shit.
It's not like I'm gonna force you.
No, you're just gonna hate me if I don't.
No, I'm not gonna hate you.
I just want more for you.
Do you wanna be like me? You wanna
come home from work 11:00 at night?
Save your whole life so you can afford
the mortgage on a place like this?
I'm going to bed.
- Seriously, yeah.
- It's a very funny thing, you know.
People keep calling me, but
I'm like, " Thanks, but...
...I'm working
for Happerman & Browning.
Make me a better offer, we'll talk."
- So what are you guys doin'?
- Me?
- Why, sure.
- Charles Schwab, baby!
- I'm moving to San Jose... dot-com.
- Oh, nice, man.
- You're going to...
- Pharmacy school, next month.
- Yeah, so what are you doing? What's
your deal? - I got into Columbia. We'll see.
Do it. Stay out of the workforce
as long as you can.
Ryden, what about you? What are you up to?
Uh... I just...
You know, I've been interviewing.
A lot. And, um, just had some
really amazing opportunities...
and just keeping my options open.
So what you're saying is you're unemployed.
God. I feel like such a loser.
Everyone is doing something
with their lives...
and I just turn out to be
this big, pathetic loser.
Come on.
No. I don't want your pity hug.
Come on. Ryden.
It's okay, you poor,
poor, no-talent screw-up.
Oh, shut up! You can joke about it.
You already got into law school.
- So?
- So, you're set. You're good. Whatever.
Yeah, maybe I'm set and I'm good,
but does that mean I'm gonna be happy?
- Come here.
- Screw you. I'm not going in.
You don't have to go in. Just...
come out here so I can tell you something.
- I don't think two people can be on
this thing. - Quit bitching and come here.
Okay.
- Come all the way to the edge.
- What?
I'm celebrating.
I'm opening at The Mint on Friday.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- Shut up! Really?
- Yeah.
Adam, so you're going into music then.
Why don't you just say that?
Well, because I'm not
saying that necessarily.
So you're going to law school?
No, I'm not saying that either necessarily.
- Then what are you saying, necessarily?
- I don't know what I'm saying.
All I'm saying is that I'm opening
at The Mint on Friday. Yea!
Look, you got the hard part figured out.
You know what you wanna do.
Now you can just spend
the rest of your life going after it.
This one's popular with all the
college kids. And this one...
- No, no.
- If you like 'em, you sell 'em all...
- I got plenty more... even higher quality.
- That's fantastic.
- Almost unbelievable.
- I am Hugo, the vampire.
- Not now, Hugo.
- Then help me build my boxcar.
I'm doing business now. Doing business.
It's so lifelike. It is. That's real snake.
- All made right here in the country?
- All here.
Geez, that's fantastic.
I'll call you about the rest of them.
All right, buddy.
Thank you. All right.
Hey, who was that guy?
Here, honey.
Grab that box for me, would you?
Carry it inside.
That's Gary. Gary the Buckle Man.
So these are the buckles, huh?
Yep, first shipment.
Hey. Question.
As vice president...
how would you like to spearhead
the marketing campaign?
- The marketing campaign?
- Yeah. You know, ads and slogans and...
you know, maybe some clever ideas
for some of the buckles, like...
I don't know. What do we got here?
Look at this. Look at that one there. That
could be the... like, the Cobra, you know?
Or, uh... I don't know. Here.
Look... Here. This could be the...
Uh...
It's just the flag of
Delaware. I don't know.
But you know what I mean.
Just some thoughts. Just ideas.
You know what I want...
as vice president, Dad?
I want my car back.
I want to stop having to call a taxi
every time I have to leave the house.
I told you. The part hasn't come in from
the factory yet. It's... It's a curveball.
You're gonna get thrown curveballs.
Life and work are like baseball.
You can't rest at the plate.
You gotta keep trying.
But I am trying hard.
I mean, I... I am scouring the job market.
I... I am. I'm getting up early,
and I'm searching for something, anything...
to get my foot in the door.
And do you have any clue
what these interviews are like?
I mean, I'm constantly having to gauge
how I'm coming across...
all the while without a consistent form
of transportation...
because you turned my car
into your latest science project.
So I really don't need to hear
that I'm not trying right now.
Well, maybe you're setting
your sights too high.
Oh, really? Well, where do you think
I should be setting my sights?
If you just give this one a chance,
I know you're gonna love it.
You just have to open it up,
get in there, check out all the pockets.
Ma'am? Sir?
It's on clearance!
Eye contact. Remember? We talked about it.
You gotta bring 'em in. Okay?
Honey, come on.
You gotta have a positive attitude
if you want to sell the suitcases.
Here. Let me show you something.
Hey, how you doing?
- Fine. - You headed out of town,
if you don't mind me asking?
- Yeah.
- Really? Where you going?
- Maui.
- Oh, wow! Hawaii. That's fantastic.
You going there for business, pleasure?
- Business.
- No, don't say business.
- Don't say business. Say pleasure.
Who go... - Pleasure.
- Why do you ask me the question then?
- I'm try... Here. Look.
Let me show you, honey. Do a little
demonstration, you know, right in here.
Like this. You point at the
wheels or something, you know.
- It's like, you know what? Those
girls from Deal or No Deal. - Mm-hmm.
You do that. Maybe not so slutty,
but show with a hand thing.
Here. Go ahead.
Remember... eye contact.
- Okay. Look at the wheels.
- There you go.
- Look how they roll. Oh, it's so nice.
- Yeah.
Here we go. Hot potato.
Right here. Right here.
Are you in the market for some lug...
Oh, crap!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I didn't know you worked here at
The Luggage Shack. - I don't work here.
Uh...
I, um... It's... It's temporary.
Right.
Um, how's Happerman & Browning?
Uh, great. Really, really great.
They're sending me to New York
next week for a conference.
- Hence the need for a new briefcase.
- Sounds so great.
Yeah, I saw one over here
last week that I loved.
- Let me take a look at that black one.
- Up there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Um...
There we go.
Ah... You know what? I want to take a look
at the one right next to it.
Nope. I gotta trust my
instincts on this one.
I'm saying no to that one.
I'm going back to the original.
You know, things are moving
outlandishly quick for me right now.
Unbelievably fast.
I'll need a good team.
I need people around me I can trust.
This is a no.
Let me take a look at this gray one here.
I thought you wanted a briefcase.
- I'm gonna need both.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lot of traveling.
- Right.
Okay.
That's the one.
You know, Ryden, I think
we've got really good synergy, you and I.
I know you're in a tough place right now...
but I want you to remember that
struggle and strife come before success.
Even in the dictionary.
I'm not gonna take this one.
Can I see that black one up there?
You know what?
Dad! All yours!
Hunty, can't ride Mama's shoe
when she's trying to make waffles.
- Giddyap.
- Come on, honey.
Go play. Go.
- Ride like the wind.
- Honey.
What do you want, Maureen? What?
- Hunter is a very unique little boy.
- I don't want you to coddle him.
I am not coddling him, okay?
I'm just a little concerned...
that he's weird.
Well, of course he's weird!
He's a Malby. Weird is good.
Weird indicates a creative force.
You have no idea what
I go through, okay? Trust me.
- Hey, come on. I wanna show you
something. Come on. - Huh?
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum #
It is time.
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum #
#Bum #
#Bum #
# Bum #
# Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
No way.
- It's really fixed?
- Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Your dad doesn't jerk around.
Ooh.
Watch this. Crack this hood.
Take a look at this.
- Now I'm gonna go fire her up.
- Okay.
Look under the engine
and let me know what happens.
I wasn't happy with the timing,
so I tweaked it a little bit.
Think I got her where I like her.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Ah, it's great! Hey!
Just a little bit more. It's...
Whoa!
Oh!
It just isn't fair.
There you are, this poor, little,
innocent thing that wouldn't hurt a fly...
and then one day
you're murdered by my own son.
It was an accident. Geez.
Why didn't you tell me to look behind me?
What? How is this my fault?
Hon, you always have to keep your eyes open.
Scanning. Constantly scanning.
- You told me to look at the engine.
- Can't do two things at once?
This is ridiculous.
You... You hated that cat.
- Shh. Keep your voice down. - You did say
something about wanting to flatten the cat.
Okay, okay. All right. Fine.
- It was a goddamn accident. - Either
way, somebody has to tell the neighbor.
All right. Geez. I can't believe...
Look out. Look out. Oh, God.
God... Jesus.
Goddamn. Even in death! Jesus!
- Ryden, go with him.
- What? No!
Come on, honey. Look at him.
Mmm, all right.
- Oh, no, honey, don't do that.
- Oh, Hunter, don't do that. No, no.
Dad!
- What?
- Why would you do that?
- Do what?
- That knock.
- What?
- Of all the knocks, that one?
That one is the one you think best says,
"Sorry we killed your cat"?
"Of all the knocks"?
What do you mean, "Of all the knocks"?
How many knocks do you think there are?
No, seriously.
How many knocks do you think there are?
- Let's just make this brief, okay?
- All right.
Cat's dead.
Ran over him on accident.
We're really sorry. Um...
- We didn't mean for it to happen.
- Where is he?
- #Midnight #
- Part.
- #Not a sound from the pavement #
- Let's part the way. Please.
# Has the moon lost her memory #
#She is smiling alone #
# In the lamplight #
- #T he withered leaves collect at my feet #
- There.
- What is that?
- #A nd the wind #
# Begins to moan #
# Memory #
#All alone in the moonlight #
# I can smile at the old days #
- There. All right.
- #I was beautiful then #
- There.
- #I remember#
- Ooh, sorry.
- #T he time I knew #
#What happiness was #
- # Let the memory #
- Honey?
- #L ive again #
- All right. All right.
# Every streetlamp #
#Seems to beat #
#Afatalistic #
#Warning #
Well, I gotta roll.
- So, uh, if you need anything...
- Come on. Up. Up.
- here's my card.
- That-a-boy.
Okay? Okeydokey.
Hey.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all this.
I... Well, I can't tell
you how sorry I am, I mean...
about your poor cat and this...
Do you want some breakfast?
- What, right now?
- Yeah.
It's almost dinnertime.
Best time for pancakes.
Do you like pancakes?
- One more?
- No, I'm good, thanks. I'm full.
- Do you not like my pancakes?
- I love your pancakes, but I'm stuffed.
- All right.
- All right.
All right.
No, no, no, no. You go sit.
- Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thanks.
You know, it's weird. I've never
seen the inside of this house before.
Yeah. Kind of unimpressive, isn't it?
No, it looks exactly like ours, actually.
- Except you have cooler stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. I direct infomercials.
So I end up taking everything home.
Like this. What is this?
- This?
- Yeah.
Well, a couch.
- That's a couch?
- Yeah.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...
cinco.
Ah.
Super light.
And can even be used
as a flotation device in case of a flood.
Let's see. I, um... I have no car...
I, uh, lost my job peddling luggage...
- and I now live with my parents.
- All right. Living the dream.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
Yeah, this whole postgraduation thing...
is not exactly turning
out the way I planned.
I just thought I'd be doing
something amazing by now.
Or at least doing something.
Right. Hmm.
Well, listen.
I know it doesn't solve the problem,
but if you need something temporary...
we could always use an extra P.A. on set.
You know, the hours are crap,
and the money is very, very bad, but...
it will get you out of the house.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be good.
- You got a job.
- Thanks.
Cool.
But now...
I think it's time for you...
to start thinking about the good things.
Yeah.
- Like what?
- Like...
your ears.
- Ears?
- Yeah.
- My ears?
- Yeah, you've got incredible ears.
Incredible?
Yeah.
You know how some people
have that... that droop...
that sort of tragic dangling earlobe thing?
Yours... not so, no.
Not a single...
Just don't know why
you had to give him those cookies.
- We'll buy more cookies.
- You know they're my favorites.
Hey.
- Where's Ryden?
- She's paying her condolences.
Fuck me!
Well, I would, but somebody beat me to it.
Cool.
Listen. Dad, I know
that was a little bit awkward, but I...
I just hope you used one.
- One what?
- Used something... That you used something.
Something.
Used a... You know what I'm...
Used a rubber or something like that.
- But...
- Protection!
Oh, uh... But we didn't, uh...
'Cause I'm gonna tell you something.
Herpes isn't a picnic.
It's not a river-rafting trip either, like
they want you to think on that commercial.
- River rafting? - Everybody's
having fun with their herpes out there.
- What?
- You know what?
"lx-nay" on the "oodle-day." That's it.
- "Oodle-day"? - You know what I
mean. I don't want you near that...
Don't... Just stay away from the whole...
- pen... penile area.
- Dad.
Don't even see him anymore.
Don't even see him anymore.
- That's it. You can't see him anymore.
- Or what?
What are you gonna do, ground me?
I'm 22 years old.
Oh, really? Well, you're
forgetting you live in my house.
Well, trust me.
I'm doing everything I can to change that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
My name's Bill. And I'm a little upset...
to say the least, if you know what I mean.
Okay.
Someone stole two boxes
of my Buckle-O-Bill belt buckles.
World renowned, uniquely crafted.
Word on the street is
you're trying to sell 'em.
You talking about this? This here?
No, no, no. I bought this
legit from Gary the Buckle Man.
I don't know Gary the Buckle Man!
I know you're trying to take
food out of my kid's mouth.
I don't even have a kid.
But if I did, you're taking his food!
- Uh-uh.
- I want my buckle!
- Hey!
- Hey! Hey!
I need at least three feet
of personal space here.
- It's my buckle!
- I'm gonna paralyze you!
Crazy, man.
It's my Delaware!
Two fingers. Two. That's all it takes.
I will call the cops, man!
#I don't know #
#Where I belong #
#And I don't know #
#Where I should go #
Wait. So, you're gonna be a P.A. now?
It's just temporary. Our
neighbor hooked it up.
Wait. Rico Suave from across the street?
That... That old dude
who wears the low-rise jeans?
What? He's 34. He's not that old.
Very specific information you have there.
Hey.
So, uh, tomorrow night?
- Yeah? - I wrote
a little "something something" for you.
- For me?
- Oh, yeah.
- Shut up!
- Yeah, you want a little sneak preview?
- Okay.
- Okay.
# Ryden is beautiful
It's true #
#'Cause she's got eyes ofblue #
# But then one day I tried to kiss you #
#And you said
Oh, n-n-no #
- You're an idiot.
- You love me.
Anyway, so here's the deal.
Tomorrow night, me, you...
that dress.
Zip me.
Uh, yeah. Um...
So, first of all, I'm just gonna rock
the socks off everyone at that show.
Second, you're gonna throw your bra onstage,
just scream like a little girl.
Um... There.
And third,
we're gonna go out to a big, fancy dinner.
- Multiple forks... everything.
- We are?
- Yeah.
- Why?
To, uh, celebrate your new quasi job thing.
- Just to celebrate?
- Yeah.
- That sounds fun.
- Uh, it sounds...
"fan-crapping-tastic,"
is what it sounds like.
Making guacamole for your family...
orjust for yourself used to be a fight.
But now, with the Guacanator...
the Guacanator 3000...
making guacamole is as
easy as uno, dos, tres!
Senor Avocado... he no stand a chance
against the grips of the Guacanator.
The only assault will be
against your taste buds!
Got it. Got it. Okay, cut!
Okay, I got it. All right.
- And we're clear. - This mustache
is crap. The hairs are going in my mouth.
- I can swear I swallowed a couple.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll take care of that in a sec, all right?
- Thanks.
- Okay, everyone, take five.
- Take a fiver.
- There she is.
- Hey. - How's the first day
going? As shitty as I promised?
- It's not so bad.
- Well, just wait.
Ah. Psst. Bro. Hey, bro! Yo, dude.
Can I talk to you for a second before
you shoot anything else?
Well, this should be fun.
The script is like a
road map, but the road map...
Can you talk to the catering people? The
meat on this sandwich smells like ass-crack.
- Oh, okay.
- First of all, you're really close.
So, congrats. Bones. Awesome. Sweet.
We're getting so close,
but I just wanna go from the top.
A couple things to make this double awesome.
Give me more Mexican. I gotta get
more Mexican. You know what I mean?
I gotta... Oh! I wanna be
on or across the border.
You know what I mean? "Mexi-can." Not
"Mexi-can't" or "Mexi-could." "Mexi-can."
Like any of that flavor,
literally and figuratively, into it.
- Awesome.
- All right.
Second of all, your shots are boring, bro.
Seriously. Here's an idea.
Did you ever see The Matrix?
Movie about, like, alternative reality.
Okay, that shot... Keanu's, like, up in
the air... Bam! He's in the air. Freeze.
Remember what I'm saying? Yeah, like that.
That's exciting. That's awesome.
But check this out. Instead of Keanu...
it's the Guacanator is up in the air,
and you shoot around it, like, 360, 720.
Like, change the axis.
Like, people are totally gonna blow minds.
Matrix. That's a great idea. Yeah.
- Thank you. I wasn't fishing for that.
I appreciate it. - Maybe while I'm at it...
- I could...
- Bring it. Bring it.
Maybe we could hoist it up on a cross...
and we have The Passion of the Guacamole.
Okay. I get it. Do you think that's funny?
I think you're an idiot.
And I quit.
- Told you... Hollywood.
- Can you hear me?
- Let's go.
- I think I have the wrong channel.
- What?
- Let's go.
Hey. Hey, catch.
Hey, whatever.
All right, I'm gonna shoot this.
Can you put him back in the ring?
I got an idea.
- You're fired!
- Thank you!
#She don't know who she is #
#Oh, I can take her anywhere #
For years I had to deal with
this kind of stupidity.
Come on. Can you believe it?
I mean, you can't imagine how many times
I just wanted to walk off set like that.
- My God, I just walked off set.
- Yeah.
And it looks like I just lost another job.
That feels good. That feels great!
#With you eventually #
#'Cause I am always where I need to be #
#A nd I always thought #
Come on.
- #I would end up with you eventually #
- Ol! Ol!
Can we go? You guys ready?
- Where's your guy? Who's your singer?
- Yeah, he's right behind you.
Hey, man, you're on.
You guys good?
So, my name is Adam Davies.
I hope this doesn't make
anyone too uncomfortable...
but I'm completely naked
under these clothes.
This song is for someone...
I, um, care about a lot.
Ready?
# I'm counting the streetlights #
# It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
# Feels wrong at the right times #
#To reveal my hand #
# I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
# How hard it is for me to #
#Show my heart #
#With all the love #
# Running through my soul #
# Maybe one day you will know #
You know what I thought when I met you?
No.
- Aside from the incredible ears,
she's smart and stunning. -
- Absolutely stunning.
- Hmm.
But there was something else.
I just saw a girl that has the whole world
at her fingertips...
and she doesn't even know it.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm such an idiot. I completely forgot.
- It's cool.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
How was it?
Great. Fine, good... I...
And our dinner... I missed our fancy dinner.
You're getting overly worked up about this,
Ryden. It's...
It's cool.
Besides, you were clearly busy with...
Pel from across the street.
Oh, no, he... We were at work...
- and then there was this big blowup,
so we left, but it was... - Uh-huh.
Awesome. I'll see you later.
- Wait. What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
Just let me explain.
What exactly needs explanation?
The fact that I've been
waiting around like a moron...
hoping that one day you'll actually
feel about me the way I feel about you?
Or the fact that you're so obsessed
with your future...
that y-you completely forget about everyone
that you're supposed to give a shit about?
I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done.
I may not know exactly what my future
looks like, but I do know one thing.
You're not in it.
Oh...
...say can and will be used against
you, okay? - I didn't know they were hot.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- Bought them on the Internet.
Can't afford one, one will
be provided to you by the state.
This is so stupid. I can't...
Didn't have to be this way.
Grab your brother. Get him in the car.
Come on, honey.
Come on. Let's go get in the car.
I had absolutely nothing to do with this.
You can ask anybody,
and they'll tell you. I hate crime.
It's okay. It's okay.
The good news is your husband
doesn't have any priors.
The bad news is we're
gonna have to hold him.
Trafficking stolen
property is no small crime.
- The bail won't be set till tomorrow.
- You're keeping him overnight?
- But he's not a criminal. He's
just a moron. - That's the breaks.
I told you. I told you in
He's your son.
- And I did the best I could with
what I had. -
Yeah, well, your best effort is in jail
till tomorrow morning.
Hey. Pick up. I've called you 80 times.
I'm really, really sorry.
I... Call me back.
Where's Dad? I wanna go home.
Try and have a good one, all right?
Mrs. Malby? Miss?
Yes? Yes?
- Hey, morning. How you doing?
- Hi. Morning.
Um, so, basically, in order to bail him out,
you're looking at 15,000 bucks.
- Oh, my God. What? - Or he stays
in the slammer until the trial.
Oh, God.
$15,000.
Well, let's go home.
- Maureen?
- What?
Wait.
Cough it up.
Cough what up?
Pay the man your son's bail money.
Are you crazy?
You think if I had that kind of dough
I'd be living with you?
Cut the baloney, Maureen. Please.
I know you have money.
I know you sew it into your panty hose.
And I know you've got
it under your mattress...
and shoved up inside
every shoe in your closet.
Pay the man.
Why can't my family just
love me for my soul...
instead of my meager possessions
and my bank account?
Well, I love your soul, Grandma.
Okay, um... Will you take a check,
or do you want the green stuff?
I'm free!
I'm free!
Look at the sky.
Can you see how blue the sky is?
This entire experience has transformed me.
I am a new man. The old Walter is dead.
But the new Walter
wants to say how much I love you guys.
I'm a new man, and we're a new family.
I mean, look,
we have our problems. What family doesn't?
I know I get to be bullheaded. And,
you know, Ryden here is
essentially unemployable.
Hmm?
Hunter licks people, and...
Grandma's very, very...
very... kind.
So kind.
But, no matter what, we're a family.
We're a real family.
We're the Malbys, damn it.
From now on, it's Malby time.
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
That's all right, honey.
I'll just take a cab over to the curb.
- Malby!
- Grab my purse.
- My purse. - Did you leave it
at the police station, Maureen?
- No, I didn't leave... I thought
you had it. -
- I don't have your purse.
- Adam?
- I'm looking for Ryden Malby.
- That's me.
This is Barbara Snaff
from Happerman & Browning.
Listen, the position you interviewed for
just came available again.
You wanna fire me? Fine. I don't care.
I'm gonna own this town. And I'm gonna come
back, and I'm gonna take you down.
Wait... Wait, are you serious?
You're offering me the job?
Yes. Absolutely. When can you start?
The job is yours if you want it.
Immediately! Absolutely, yes.
Great. I'll have my assistant call you
with all the details.
- Thank you. Perfect.
- She's not there anymore.
- Guys, I got the job! I got the job!
- Yea!
- Does it pay? Does it pay?
- Yeah, it pays!
- Malby! Malby!
- Malby! Malby!
- Malby! Malby!
- She got a job!
Okay.
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
Okay. Silent treatment. I get it.
Very fifth grade of you. But very effective.
Please call me. Please?
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
All right.
Just... call me when you're ready.
Yo, yo.
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah, go. Go, Adam.
Take it in. Take it in.
Yes!
- Nice shot.
- All right. Check ball.
I'm open right here.
Someone once told me that every...
evil, horrible thing in the world...
can be directly counteracted by
the joy of a simple dessert.
I'm really sorry, Adam.
I know you don't wanna talk to me,
but I really have something
to tell you. I wish you...
Hold on a second.
If you don't forgive
me, I will follow you...
everywhere you go,
playing this extremely annoying song...
till you slowly go insane.
Okay. Just make it stop.
Ha!
How do you steal an ice cream truck?
Borrow.
My dad knows a guy that knows a guy, so...
Of course.
Look.
I'm good.
I'm so sorry I flaked on you, Adam.
You would never do anything like that to me.
And I've been thinking a lot about...
- I accept your apology.
- Wait. You have to let me get this out.
I have been thinking a lot
about what you said...
and I think you just...
maybe you just threw me because...
Look, it's fine.
Really, it's... It's all good.
I'm just...
You know, I'm in the middle of a game.
- Yo.
- Well, wait.
Um, do you wanna,
I don't know, hang out later? Um...
Oh, we could celebrate,
'cause I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I got that job at Happerman & Browning.
That's awesome.
Uh, I...
But I can't get together later,
'cause I kind of need to pack.
Pack?
Yeah. Uh...
Look, I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I decided to go to Columbia.
And I'm leaving tomorrow.
What? You're going to law school?
In New York?
Yeah.
That's...
That's... so great.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, I think
it'll be... I think it'll be good.
Look, I promise I'll call you...
as soon as I get settled in, okay?
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Come on, Adam. Ball in. Ball in. Ball in.
Hold up.
- Our ball.
- All right.
- Our ball.
- Check it up. Check it up, Adam.
Our ball.
All right.
Ball.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Ryden Malby. I'm...
The new assistant to the editor. Yes.
One sec. I'll get Lloyd.
I've got Ryden. Thanks.
Well, here it is. Home, sweet home.
- That's the mail cart.
- Great. Well, perfect.
Is there any material
you want me to start to read or...
No. Reading's on your own time.
Jessica was a shit filer,
so we're a little backed up on submissions.
I see that.
What happened toJessica anyway?
Well, we had a little bit of
a misunderstanding, she and I.
You see, I thought that she worked for me.
She thought she was running the company.
- Sounds likeJessica.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ready to go?
- Yep, I'll get right on it.
You know you're gonna have to enter every
one of these into the database, right?
Okay. Absolutely. Yeah.
- Hi.
- Oh!
Of course.
#Apicture paints a thousand words #
#As one door closes
another door opens #
#And two wrongs don't make a right #
#Now, good things come to those who wait #
Okay. I've got it right here.
My life is a shit-storm. I got way
too much crap to keep in my own brain.
So, what do I do?
- #Say what you say # - I think
those two books are totally different.
- #Do what you do #
- Different enough.
#Feel what you feel as long as it's real #
#I said take what you take #
#And give what you give
Just be what you want #
#Just as long as it's real ##
When are you gonna build my boxcar?
Get the puppet out of my face.
Come on. All the
other kids' dads are practically done.
Fine. Forget it.
Hunter. Wait a minute.
When's that race again?
- Saturday.
- Saturday.
Saturday.
Go get your mother, your grandmother.
We need every able-bodied man
we can get. Go.
- Just move all my Thursday
appointments to Friday. - Okay.
Oh, and you're gonna wanna get
some beauty sleep this weekend...
'cause I want you to sit in
on the Asia conference on Monday morning.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great. I'd love to. That'd be great.
- Great.
- Oh, you forgot one. Sign and date. There.
- Oh. Okay.
- All right. "Buenos nachos."
- Good night.
Hey, try to get out of here
by 9:00 tonight, will you?
- Okay.
- All right.
#Far, far#
#T here's this little girl #
#She was praying for something
to happen to her#
#The reality looks far now
but don't go #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
- #Mmm, mmm ##
- I got this job...
this incredible job.
And I'm working my ass off.
But I always expected that.
What are all the boxes for?
Moving back to Brazil.
Are you serious?
Yeah. My life is there.
I haven't seen my family in ages.
And I come home every night to what?
I guess I finally realized that...
what you do with your life
is really just one half of the equation.
The other half...
the more important half really, is...
who you're with when you're doing it.
Okay, come on! Come on.
Come on.
You got plenty of room. You got miles.
Oh, geez!
Don't tell me that's another cat.
Oh, geez.
Hey, keep this on the down-low, Mom.
It's one of those goofy gnomes.
Don't tell Carmella.
- Hunty? Come on, Hunty.
- He broke the gnome.
- Oh, sugar.
- Jesus! What'd I just say?
Hand me...
What's going on?
Get dressed. We're late.
We need all the manpower we can get.
But what if I don't drive good?
Hey. Hey, you're a Malby.
Driving is in your blood. Okay?
Come on. Come on, let's go.
We gotta go. Come on!
- And it's "drive well,"honey, not
"drive good." - Wait. Don't drive good?
Proper English is "drive well."
I want you to drive well.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please turn your attention...
to the starting ramp
for the last event of the day.
This is the one you've been waiting for...
the final race for the 9th Annual
P. T.A. Boxcar Derby.
Racers and their teams,
please take your marks.
Let's go, Raymond!
All right. How you feeling?
- Look at Hunter!
- Go, Hunty!
Go! Go!
Are you focused?
Balls to the wall.
Don't tell your mom I said that.
Smoke 'em. Go get 'em.
Balls to the wall, Hunty!
All right, let's go!
Come on! Go!
- Dad! Dad!
- Brake! Pull the brake back!
- What?
- The brake!
Go, Hunter! Go! Go!
Yeah! Go get 'em!
Go!
Go!
- Walt,
watch your ankle! - Go! Go!
#Here's to you, honey #
#But I'm out of your league #
#Y ou're never gonna pass me #
- #' Cause I'm out of your league #
- Go! Get in there!
#L ooky here, baby #
#You're comin'my way #
#But I move like a landslide #
#So I get out of my way
and stay away #
#Up from the floor
on the count of 10 #
#Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
#Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
- #Oh, you get up you get down
and you try again # -
#You get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Get up, you get down
and you try again #
- #You get up, you get down
and you try again ## - Yeah!
Whoa!
- Come on! Let's go!
- Excuse me.
Dad!
Dad!
Oh!
Thank goodness. You okay?
By the way, you won!
- Wow! Look at that.
- That-a-boy!
- Come on. Up, up.
- That's okay.
- No?
- Not today.
Okay.
- That-a-boy.
- Let me see. Let me see.
- It's so cool.
- Look at that.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom, Dad...
Sure you don't wanna get a little shut-eye
and see how you feel in the morning?
Nope.
Just out of curiosity though,
do you think I'm making the right decision?
Well, you know,
ever since you were a little kid...
you always seemed to have it figured out.
You know, you made good grades, you...
kept your room neat and clean,
you ate your vegetables.
Can I be honest with you?
I always found it a little troubling.
Because, see, hon...
the world's a screwy place.
It doesn't play by the rules.
So if you're asking me...
do I think it's a good
idea for you to, uh...
quit your job...
leave behind the only family you have...
and travel 3,000 miles...
to a place you've never been before?
I think it's the most kick-ass idea
you've ever had.
'Cause I think no matter where you are,
you're gonna knock 'em dead.
Thanks, Dad.
- See ya.
- Okay.
- Love ya, honey.
- Love ya. Bye.
No good-byes. Just see you later.
You be careful in New York.
There are a bunch of kookies there.
- Okay, I will.
- Call me frequently, okay?
- Okay. - I've got you on my
speed dial, and you're on mine.
- # Show me the world #
- Okay. Okay, bye.
- #In the shape of your looking glass #
- Bye.
#Beautifully bold when the colors unfold #
#Yes, it's easy to see #
#But it's harder to find #
#And I'm thinkin'of you #
#And it's clear in my mind, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And I'm eastern bound #
Thanks.
#Almost let slip all these words
in my fingertips #
#Still unaware #
#Of the pen in my hand, but I'm #
#Makin'my way day by day
comin'back to you #
#Here, unafraid of the path
that I choose, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And that's where you are found ##
Hey.
Life sucks without you.
I miss you. I...
Well, of course I miss you. I...
I knew that I would, but it's not like a...
"Hey, we had some great times...
you know, keep in touch" kind of thing.
It's... It was more like,
"I can't eat... I can't sleep...
I forget what it feels like to laugh"
kind of thing.
And I really think that when you left...
you took my heart with you.
Um...
I- I probably should've called first.
Oh, whoa. Whoa. No, no, no. Hold...
Ryden! Whoa!
Where are you... Where are you going?
Ryden!
Ryden. Ryden, hey. Wait. Hold up.
Look. Hey. Stop. All right? Hey.
She's my R.A.
I was just filling out a maintenance report.
- She's not...
- No.
Really?
Yeah.
I love you.
Well, that's good.
'Cause I love you.
#Some kind of magic #
#Happens late at night #
- Wanna go inside?
- Yeah.
#When the moon smiles down at me #
- Hey, Walt, it's Ryden.
- Oh.
- Hey, sweetie-pie.
- It's her machine, so leave a message.
Oh. Hey, guess who's coming for a visit.
We got cheap-ass tickets
on CheapAssTickets-dot-com, swear to God.
Ask Adam if he's got a pull-out,
'cause Grandma's got that heinous hump.
- 'Cause I don't wanna have her
suffering more than she... - Stop that!
I don't have a hump! Give me that.
I don't have a hump. I can sleep
anyplace you wanna put me, Ryden.
And, honey, it's genetic,
so take your calcium.
And don't forget to layer up, okay?
You're from California.
- And remember, condoms are
your best friend. - Oh, you have to...
Wait, like, the whole family's coming?
#It's a brand new day #
#The sun is shining #
#It's a brand new day #
#For the first time
in such a long, long time #
#I know #
#I'll be okay ##
#I'm counting the streetlights #
#It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
#It feels wrong at the right time #
#To reveal my hand #
#It's like I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#I'm hoping you just might #
#Take a moment to realize #
#That everything you're looking for#
#Is hidden in plain sight #
#I know you better#
#Than I know myself#
#How I feel is the only thing that #
#I could never ever tell you #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#Maybe one day you will ##
This is a very special day.
This is day 756...
of my college experience...
otherwise known as... graduation day!
Whoo! Ah!
Wait for it.
I got the whole outfit. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have been planning
for this day for my entire life.
- Um, when I was a kid, I devised
this plan... -
that I cleverly called "The Plan."
Uh, " Dad can't make it to graduation today.
Big shocker.
Can I join you guys for lunch?"
Absolutely.
This is great, because nobody
runs parental interference quite like Adam.
We've been best friends since freshman year.
# This is Ryden's study song #
# I worked on it so damn long #
# It's to give encouragement #
# For your big test today #
Anyway, the plan is pretty straightforward.
One, kick ass in high school...
so that I can get...
two... a fatty scholarship.
Three, limit my beer pong enough...
to keep said scholarship,
which I did, and...
Oh.
Hi, Ryden. Jessica Bard here.
Just wanted to clean the slate.
I'm sorry I nabbed valedictorian...
but you have to believe
I will do an excellent job.
Jessica Bard... my own personal Darth Vader
since the third grade.
Back to the master plan.
Number four. Most importantly...
land a sweet job at the finest
publishing house in all of L. A...
Happerman & Browning,
where I will no doubt...
discover the next great American novel.
All right.
So that's the plan. This is it.
Malby signing off, about to embark on
the first day of the rest of my life.
And, hey,
if you're at graduation, come say hi.
I'll be the one in black. Bye!
# You stumble down a yellow brick road #
# Spinning your shoes in the air#
# The air#
# Then you hold your breath
and count to nine #
# Hoping that soon
somebody will find you #
# Find you #
# Go on, go on, go on #
# The stars are watching #
# Just say, just say, just say #
# What you're feeling #
# You know, you know, you know #
# You gotta take a bow
and do it your way #
# It's okay-ay #
# La-dada, da-dada, da-dada #
# It's okay-ay #
- # La-dada, da-dada, da-dada ##
- Please welcome your class valedictorian...
Jessica Bard, with
tonight's keynote address.
All right, Jessica!
Rock on, Jessie!
Class of 2009, it is my great honor...
to welcome you to this evening's
graduation ceremony.
I stand before you with two age-old words:
Carpe diem.
When we walk out these doors...
I challenge each of us
to not only seize the day...
but to clutch it with both hands.
- You go first.
- To squeeze it...
- Shh!
- with all your strength.
And drain every last...
- living, breathing...
- Could you move down a little?
victorious moment out of it.
Like when a Trojan decides...
...to plunge his blade into the beating
heart ofhis enemy. -
He realizes it's not for
his own personal glory.
- He does it for the better good of the
community as a whole. -
- We must remember that our
generation is smarter... -
...stronger and better equipped than those that
came before us. - Ma'am! Could you keep it down?
- And now...
- I'm dying.
it is our responsibility...
to forge ahead and stake
our rightful claim at the top.
- You know what? This calls for a toast.
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you say, huh? Glasses up.
- Hear, hear. Yes.
- To Ryden.
- To Ryden.
- To Ryden.
- Who I'm very proud of.
Mmm. And to Adam.
The A-Man, who's here because we like him.
He's also here because
his dad was too busy to come...
and, uh, his mom couldn't
come because, um...
'cause she's dead and...
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
- To your dead mother.
- Hmm. Cheers.
- Cheers.
Anyway, honey, now that you're
out there looking for a job...
maybe you, uh, you know,
come down and work with me.
Uh, she's already got something lined up.
Tell 'em about the big interview.
At Happerman & Browning, Monday at 10:00.
- Wow!
- Hey!
And my thesis adviser is best friends
with the chief editor...
and has already put in
a good word and everything.
And they are building
these loft apartments...
like a block away from the offices, so...
They have these sweeping city views.
I could walk to work.
Didn't I tell you?
What do you see over there?
What do you see right here on this wall?
Uh, white paint.
- Bookshelves!
- Oh.
All my babies,
floor to ceiling, organized by title.
- No, by author. No, by genre.
- Okay. Settle down.
It's amazing. I'll take it.
- Really?
- Really?
Yes! I can feel it.
It's everything I ever imagined.
Hello? I love it.
Here. I've already filled
out the application.
All right then. I'll need a check
for first and last month's rent...
plus security deposit, so $3,500.
Done and done.
Uh... Hey, don't you think...
you're getting a little ahead
of yourself there, killer?
No. No, I don't. I will
have enough money soon.
Okay, well, right here you wrote
"Happerman & Browning" under "employer"...
but you're not actually an employee of them.
In a couple of hours,
that will be true too, so...
Maybe.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
I'm hoping to
start moving my stuff in on Saturday.
Just as soon as I call your references.
And your check clears.
# Wake up, wake up
wake the sun #
# Wake up, wake up
hanging like...##
Are we okay? Do we have enough time?
Don't worry. We got plenty of time.
Hey, what's up with Columbia?
Did you hear back yet?
Uh, big envelope, so...
I don't know. I guess I got in.
Wait. Adam.
You might've gotten into law school...
and you haven't even
opened the envelope yet?
The shrug? Adam, you know
how I feel about the shrug.
Another shrug? Adam. I got the double shrug?
Hey, this is your day, okay?
Shit!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Okay. No, calm down. Calm down.
- You just calm down.
- Oh... My car! He killed my car!
No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, calm down.
His insurance will pay for it.
- Uh! Look...
- It's fine. I'll take...
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
- Yes?
- Happerman & Browning offices?
Uh, yes. Eighteenth floor.
- Okay.
- Uh, uh... Excuse me, ma'am.
You got something going on right here.
Oh!
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Happerman & Browning. Please hold.
Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00. Thank you.
Happerman & Browning. Please hold.
Hi. I'm Ryden Malby. I have an
interview with Barbara Snaff at 10:00.
Yeah. We're actually running
about two hours behind...
so just fill this out and have a seat with
the rest of the applicants, hmm?
Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00. Thank you.
Sorry.
Yes, Miss Snaff. Right away.
Stacy Moore?
Joe Schrader?
Caroline Hirsch.
Jeffrey Beales?
Kimberly Rice? Beth Brandon.
BarryJenkins. Gregory O'Bryant?
Ryden Malby?
Hello.
- Please. Take a seat.
- Thank you.
All right. You... You just graduated, yes?
- Yes, I...
- Major?
- English, with an emphasis...
- Minor?
- Communications.
- Internships?
I actually did three internships...
Penguin, Random House...
And Time Warner.
So, why do you want this job?
Because... this is not just a job to me.
This is... This is what I love.
This is what I'm good at.
When I was 11, at summer camp, all the
other kids would go down to the lake...
and I would be finishing
Catcher in the Rye...
'cause I couldn't get enough
of Holden Caulfield.
And at 13, Bukowski's Post Office...
the most explicit,
inappropriate thing I'd ever come across.
It was like sex ed,
except awesomely foul-mouthed.
Well, I guess what I'm getting at is
that books are all I know...
and everything I love, and...
I want this job because...
well, because I can't imagine
ever doing anything else.
All right. Good. Thank you for coming in.
I got it. Thank you.
- Jessica?
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
They just called me in for a little meeting.
Is that a bow? That's nice.
Jessica Bard?
- Barbara. Pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
Dean Brunswick just called me about you.
So glad I could fit you in.
Please.
I can get another job.
It won't be a problem.
I'm a college graduate.
Well, I didn't know you
were a college graduate.
Okay.
That Happerman & Browning thing...
It just wasn't meant to be.
- You know that, right?
- Yeah.
It's fine.
You should eat one of these.
No, thanks.
You're turning down an Eskimo Pie?
- Mmm.
- Oh, come on. All right.
Every evil, terrible thing
that ever occurs in the world...
is directly offset...
counterbalanced, if you will...
by the complete,
utter joy of biting into an Eskimo Pie.
It's... It's the way
we maintain balance in the universe.
Come on.
Mmm.
Does anyone ever say no to you?
You do all the time.
Okay. Take a bite.
Mmm. Hmm, hmm.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, yeah! It's like God's
just giving birth in my mouth.
Okay. That is the girl
that I fell in love with...
but harbors nothing but platonic feelings
for me, unfortunately.
Y... Your foot is freezing. It's 90
degrees outside, and your foot is freezing.
My feet are always freezing.
I have the feet of an 80-year-old man.
Ooh, that's hot.
Oh, so good.
Mmm.
Wait, wait. Hold... Hold on.
No.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Shh.
No!
Dad.
Juanita. Wow.
Didn't recognize you
without the cash register.
Hi, Adam.
What the hell are you doing here?
Funny.
I was about to ask you the same thing.
- It's my store.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Sorry, Mr. Davies. - Wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I'm really glad you're here.
'Cause you haven't
been home for a while...
...and you definitely were
not at my graduation.
Look, I don't wanna
get into this with you right now.
- Come on. It's time to go.
- Wait. Juanita, is he paying...
I hope he's paying you overtime for this,
'cause you do have rights.
You should call your union.
Well, welcome back home.
Bet you're excited.
Well, let's have a little look-see here.
- There she is! Hi!
- Hey, Mom.
She's home!
Oh, look at that. That's just a crime. Oh!
- Welcome back, baby.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
- Uh, Dad, that's gotta get into the shop.
- Huh?
Uh, I'm not so sure.
- What are you doing? - I'm just
looking it over. Gonna be all right.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You... You're not thinking
about fixing this yourself, are you?
Yeah. Just have some faith
in my abilities, honey.
- Usually there's a spot, if I can
just hear it. - But... Dad!
- You've never fixed a car before.
- Honey.
At one point, I'd never roundhouse-kicked
a man in the neck before either.
Now I do it every Wednesday.
My mind's like a sea sponge, honey.
When the synapses get going in Walter
Malby's mind... boom, boom, boom...
It's gonna be fun.
Don't worry about the car. I got it.
I got the car covered.
Let me give you a hand there, Adam.
That-a-boy.
Good. Look at you. You're a self-starter.
Walter! Walter! Walter! Walter!
- Watch your step there. You should
wear work gloves. - There's a derby!
There's a boxcar derby!
Can we make a boxcar?
- Not now. Not now.
- Pretty please? The derby's next month!
- Can we make a boxcar?
- Oh, geez.
Son of a bitch.
Look at that.
I knew it. Son of a bitch.
Third time. Third G.D. time!
Goddamn it. That's it.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- Look at this. I gotta...
- Walter, no. Don't. Honey?
- Dad, come back.
What? Goddamn.
- We could go home and clean it. - No.
I gotta talk to him. I'll talk to this guy.
You don't need to disturb him. I mean...
He's not home.
I know he's not working. I don't think
he has a job. Goddamn it. Where is he?
Hi.
Hi.
Um...
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Your cat has now crapped on my doorstep,
in my yard...
and now on my driveway, which around here...
is like church to me.
- Okay? That's sanctuary.
- Well...
I'm really sorry, sir. I am...
I'll talk to him. Yeah. I'll talk to him.
- See you later.
- Okay.
Today you are getting a job.
Today... you're getting a job.
Today.
# What do you say #
# When people turn you away #
# Do you just turn your back #
# And quickly walk away #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #
# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #
The bottom line is, what I lack in
experience, I make up for in vision.
And what I don't know...
I make up for with passion.
# My world, it's on fire now #
# My world is turned upside down #
# And I don't know what to do #
# Without you #
I'm driven. Full of ideas.
I'm upbeat.
Most importantly, I am
incredibly enthusiastic...
About the work your company is doing.
Really? Like what?
#Don't give me a hard time ##
Hunter, I hate getting these calls.
What did I tell you about
licking the kids' heads?
- Don't do it.
- That's right. Ever.
- Okay?
- Fine.
I mean, I know you
like the way it tastes,
but some kids don't like
having their heads licked.
Hey!
How'd it go?
I asked the V.P. if she was pregnant.
- No. She was just fat.
- Oh. Well, that's hard sometimes.
I'm gonna call my friend
Betty from high school.
She owns an indie publishing company.
I'm gonna ask her for a favor.
I'm just gonna do it.
Dad already called her.
Betty's dead.
- Really?
- She died.
That's a shame.
What is it?
- Oh, my God.
- What?
What do you guys think? This one?
Or that little mahogany
number I was in earlier?
Hey, Hunter, come here.
What do you think of Grandma spending
her eternal slumber in this one, huh?
I love it!
- Let's talk about casket ornamentation.
- Ornamentation?
Yes. Casket ornamentation adds a personal
touch many families find comforting.
And we offer a variety of custom corners
and commemorative panels...
to highlight a loved one's passions.
Whatever you want, you could put it
right there on your commemorative panel.
It'll be right with you
through the afterlife.
I'm just not sure about all this.
Thank you.
Really? What do I have to do to put you in
one of my coffins today?
How about a little
magnesium seepage protection system?
Whoa.
That's $18,000.
That's the exact same...
...corrosion and rust technology
that protects our Alaskan pipeline.
- That's what that is.
- That's $18,000.
You know, she's absolutely right.
I mean, why spend all that money...
when there's probably
a nice local ditch somewhere...
you could take me to
and dump me in for free?
Oh, Maureen, we'd never do that.
No, no, no, no! No!
Ooh.
Special delivery.
I got a cell phone, credit card...
student loan and, last but not least...
one more little item...
I thought you might wanna see.
- Look at that.
- Mmm.
Come on!
Thanks.
Hey.
Got an idea. Since it concerns your future,
I need you to pay attention.
- You listening?
- No. Dad...
Listen to me. Listen to me. Ready?
Buckles.
Buckles.
Yeah. Belt buckles.
Million-dollar niche business.
They're going crazy on the Internet.
Who do you think met a distributor,
is gonna start his own company?
But, Dad, what about The Luggage Shack?
They just made you regional manager.
You gotta think big picture here.
You gotta have vision.
You know what I'm saying?
You just gotta see the...
And since none of this other crap
is really working out for you...
More than likely... gonna
need a vice president.
V.P.
- You go out there and
drum up some business. -
Come on. Let's go out there and put
some buckles on belts. What do you say?
Are you ever gonna actually open that?
It's made a long journey from New York.
I'm letting it breathe.
- You know, Adam, if you don't wanna go...
- Don't give me that shit.
It's not like I'm gonna force you.
No, you're just gonna hate me if I don't.
No, I'm not gonna hate you.
I just want more for you.
Do you wanna be like me? You wanna
come home from work 11:00 at night?
Save your whole life so you can afford
the mortgage on a place like this?
I'm going to bed.
- Seriously, yeah.
- It's a very funny thing, you know.
People keep calling me, but
I'm like, " Thanks, but...
...I'm working
for Happerman & Browning.
Make me a better offer, we'll talk."
- So what are you guys doin'?
- Me?
- Why, sure.
- Charles Schwab, baby!
- I'm moving to San Jose... dot-com.
- Oh, nice, man.
- You're going to...
- Pharmacy school, next month.
- Yeah, so what are you doing? What's
your deal? - I got into Columbia. We'll see.
Do it. Stay out of the workforce
as long as you can.
Ryden, what about you? What are you up to?
Uh... I just...
You know, I've been interviewing.
A lot. And, um, just had some
really amazing opportunities...
and just keeping my options open.
So what you're saying is you're unemployed.
God. I feel like such a loser.
Everyone is doing something
with their lives...
and I just turn out to be
this big, pathetic loser.
Come on.
No. I don't want your pity hug.
Come on. Ryden.
It's okay, you poor,
poor, no-talent screw-up.
Oh, shut up! You can joke about it.
You already got into law school.
- So?
- So, you're set. You're good. Whatever.
Yeah, maybe I'm set and I'm good,
but does that mean I'm gonna be happy?
- Come here.
- Screw you. I'm not going in.
You don't have to go in. Just...
come out here so I can tell you something.
- I don't think two people can be on
this thing. - Quit bitching and come here.
Okay.
- Come all the way to the edge.
- What?
I'm celebrating.
I'm opening at The Mint on Friday.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- Shut up! Really?
- Yeah.
Adam, so you're going into music then.
Why don't you just say that?
Well, because I'm not
saying that necessarily.
So you're going to law school?
No, I'm not saying that either necessarily.
- Then what are you saying, necessarily?
- I don't know what I'm saying.
All I'm saying is that I'm opening
at The Mint on Friday. Yea!
Look, you got the hard part figured out.
You know what you wanna do.
Now you can just spend
the rest of your life going after it.
This one's popular with all the
college kids. And this one...
- No, no.
- If you like 'em, you sell 'em all...
- I got plenty more... even higher quality.
- That's fantastic.
- Almost unbelievable.
- I am Hugo, the vampire.
- Not now, Hugo.
- Then help me build my boxcar.
I'm doing business now. Doing business.
It's so lifelike. It is. That's real snake.
- All made right here in the country?
- All here.
Geez, that's fantastic.
I'll call you about the rest of them.
All right, buddy.
Thank you. All right.
Hey, who was that guy?
Here, honey.
Grab that box for me, would you?
Carry it inside.
That's Gary. Gary the Buckle Man.
So these are the buckles, huh?
Yep, first shipment.
Hey. Question.
As vice president...
how would you like to spearhead
the marketing campaign?
- The marketing campaign?
- Yeah. You know, ads and slogans and...
you know, maybe some clever ideas
for some of the buckles, like...
I don't know. What do we got here?
Look at this. Look at that one there. That
could be the... like, the Cobra, you know?
Or, uh... I don't know. Here.
Look... Here. This could be the...
Uh...
It's just the flag of
Delaware. I don't know.
But you know what I mean.
Just some thoughts. Just ideas.
You know what I want...
as vice president, Dad?
I want my car back.
I want to stop having to call a taxi
every time I have to leave the house.
I told you. The part hasn't come in from
the factory yet. It's... It's a curveball.
You're gonna get thrown curveballs.
Life and work are like baseball.
You can't rest at the plate.
You gotta keep trying.
But I am trying hard.
I mean, I... I am scouring the job market.
I... I am. I'm getting up early,
and I'm searching for something, anything...
to get my foot in the door.
And do you have any clue
what these interviews are like?
I mean, I'm constantly having to gauge
how I'm coming across...
all the while without a consistent form
of transportation...
because you turned my car
into your latest science project.
So I really don't need to hear
that I'm not trying right now.
Well, maybe you're setting
your sights too high.
Oh, really? Well, where do you think
I should be setting my sights?
If you just give this one a chance,
I know you're gonna love it.
You just have to open it up,
get in there, check out all the pockets.
Ma'am? Sir?
It's on clearance!
Eye contact. Remember? We talked about it.
You gotta bring 'em in. Okay?
Honey, come on.
You gotta have a positive attitude
if you want to sell the suitcases.
Here. Let me show you something.
Hey, how you doing?
- Fine. - You headed out of town,
if you don't mind me asking?
- Yeah.
- Really? Where you going?
- Maui.
- Oh, wow! Hawaii. That's fantastic.
You going there for business, pleasure?
- Business.
- No, don't say business.
- Don't say business. Say pleasure.
Who go... - Pleasure.
- Why do you ask me the question then?
- I'm try... Here. Look.
Let me show you, honey. Do a little
demonstration, you know, right in here.
Like this. You point at the
wheels or something, you know.
- It's like, you know what? Those
girls from Deal or No Deal. - Mm-hmm.
You do that. Maybe not so slutty,
but show with a hand thing.
Here. Go ahead.
Remember... eye contact.
- Okay. Look at the wheels.
- There you go.
- Look how they roll. Oh, it's so nice.
- Yeah.
Here we go. Hot potato.
Right here. Right here.
Are you in the market for some lug...
Oh, crap!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I didn't know you worked here at
The Luggage Shack. - I don't work here.
Uh...
I, um... It's... It's temporary.
Right.
Um, how's Happerman & Browning?
Uh, great. Really, really great.
They're sending me to New York
next week for a conference.
- Hence the need for a new briefcase.
- Sounds so great.
Yeah, I saw one over here
last week that I loved.
- Let me take a look at that black one.
- Up there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Um...
There we go.
Ah... You know what? I want to take a look
at the one right next to it.
Nope. I gotta trust my
instincts on this one.
I'm saying no to that one.
I'm going back to the original.
You know, things are moving
outlandishly quick for me right now.
Unbelievably fast.
I'll need a good team.
I need people around me I can trust.
This is a no.
Let me take a look at this gray one here.
I thought you wanted a briefcase.
- I'm gonna need both.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lot of traveling.
- Right.
Okay.
That's the one.
You know, Ryden, I think
we've got really good synergy, you and I.
I know you're in a tough place right now...
but I want you to remember that
struggle and strife come before success.
Even in the dictionary.
I'm not gonna take this one.
Can I see that black one up there?
You know what?
Dad! All yours!
Hunty, can't ride Mama's shoe
when she's trying to make waffles.
- Giddyap.
- Come on, honey.
Go play. Go.
- Ride like the wind.
- Honey.
What do you want, Maureen? What?
- Hunter is a very unique little boy.
- I don't want you to coddle him.
I am not coddling him, okay?
I'm just a little concerned...
that he's weird.
Well, of course he's weird!
He's a Malby. Weird is good.
Weird indicates a creative force.
You have no idea what
I go through, okay? Trust me.
- Hey, come on. I wanna show you
something. Come on. - Huh?
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum #
It is time.
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum #
#Bum #
#Bum #
# Bum #
# Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum #
# Bum, bum, bum, bum #
No way.
- It's really fixed?
- Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Your dad doesn't jerk around.
Ooh.
Watch this. Crack this hood.
Take a look at this.
- Now I'm gonna go fire her up.
- Okay.
Look under the engine
and let me know what happens.
I wasn't happy with the timing,
so I tweaked it a little bit.
Think I got her where I like her.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Ah, it's great! Hey!
Just a little bit more. It's...
Whoa!
Oh!
It just isn't fair.
There you are, this poor, little,
innocent thing that wouldn't hurt a fly...
and then one day
you're murdered by my own son.
It was an accident. Geez.
Why didn't you tell me to look behind me?
What? How is this my fault?
Hon, you always have to keep your eyes open.
Scanning. Constantly scanning.
- You told me to look at the engine.
- Can't do two things at once?
This is ridiculous.
You... You hated that cat.
- Shh. Keep your voice down. - You did say
something about wanting to flatten the cat.
Okay, okay. All right. Fine.
- It was a goddamn accident. - Either
way, somebody has to tell the neighbor.
All right. Geez. I can't believe...
Look out. Look out. Oh, God.
God... Jesus.
Goddamn. Even in death! Jesus!
- Ryden, go with him.
- What? No!
Come on, honey. Look at him.
Mmm, all right.
- Oh, no, honey, don't do that.
- Oh, Hunter, don't do that. No, no.
Dad!
- What?
- Why would you do that?
- Do what?
- That knock.
- What?
- Of all the knocks, that one?
That one is the one you think best says,
"Sorry we killed your cat"?
"Of all the knocks"?
What do you mean, "Of all the knocks"?
How many knocks do you think there are?
No, seriously.
How many knocks do you think there are?
- Let's just make this brief, okay?
- All right.
Cat's dead.
Ran over him on accident.
We're really sorry. Um...
- We didn't mean for it to happen.
- Where is he?
- #Midnight #
- Part.
- #Not a sound from the pavement #
- Let's part the way. Please.
# Has the moon lost her memory #
#She is smiling alone #
# In the lamplight #
- #T he withered leaves collect at my feet #
- There.
- What is that?
- #A nd the wind #
# Begins to moan #
# Memory #
#All alone in the moonlight #
# I can smile at the old days #
- There. All right.
- #I was beautiful then #
- There.
- #I remember#
- Ooh, sorry.
- #T he time I knew #
#What happiness was #
- # Let the memory #
- Honey?
- #L ive again #
- All right. All right.
# Every streetlamp #
#Seems to beat #
#Afatalistic #
#Warning #
Well, I gotta roll.
- So, uh, if you need anything...
- Come on. Up. Up.
- here's my card.
- That-a-boy.
Okay? Okeydokey.
Hey.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all this.
I... Well, I can't tell
you how sorry I am, I mean...
about your poor cat and this...
Do you want some breakfast?
- What, right now?
- Yeah.
It's almost dinnertime.
Best time for pancakes.
Do you like pancakes?
- One more?
- No, I'm good, thanks. I'm full.
- Do you not like my pancakes?
- I love your pancakes, but I'm stuffed.
- All right.
- All right.
All right.
No, no, no, no. You go sit.
- Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thanks.
You know, it's weird. I've never
seen the inside of this house before.
Yeah. Kind of unimpressive, isn't it?
No, it looks exactly like ours, actually.
- Except you have cooler stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. I direct infomercials.
So I end up taking everything home.
Like this. What is this?
- This?
- Yeah.
Well, a couch.
- That's a couch?
- Yeah.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...
cinco.
Ah.
Super light.
And can even be used
as a flotation device in case of a flood.
Let's see. I, um... I have no car...
I, uh, lost my job peddling luggage...
- and I now live with my parents.
- All right. Living the dream.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
Yeah, this whole postgraduation thing...
is not exactly turning
out the way I planned.
I just thought I'd be doing
something amazing by now.
Or at least doing something.
Right. Hmm.
Well, listen.
I know it doesn't solve the problem,
but if you need something temporary...
we could always use an extra P.A. on set.
You know, the hours are crap,
and the money is very, very bad, but...
it will get you out of the house.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be good.
- You got a job.
- Thanks.
Cool.
But now...
I think it's time for you...
to start thinking about the good things.
Yeah.
- Like what?
- Like...
your ears.
- Ears?
- Yeah.
- My ears?
- Yeah, you've got incredible ears.
Incredible?
Yeah.
You know how some people
have that... that droop...
that sort of tragic dangling earlobe thing?
Yours... not so, no.
Not a single...
Just don't know why
you had to give him those cookies.
- We'll buy more cookies.
- You know they're my favorites.
Hey.
- Where's Ryden?
- She's paying her condolences.
Fuck me!
Well, I would, but somebody beat me to it.
Cool.
Listen. Dad, I know
that was a little bit awkward, but I...
I just hope you used one.
- One what?
- Used something... That you used something.
Something.
Used a... You know what I'm...
Used a rubber or something like that.
- But...
- Protection!
Oh, uh... But we didn't, uh...
'Cause I'm gonna tell you something.
Herpes isn't a picnic.
It's not a river-rafting trip either, like
they want you to think on that commercial.
- River rafting? - Everybody's
having fun with their herpes out there.
- What?
- You know what?
"lx-nay" on the "oodle-day." That's it.
- "Oodle-day"? - You know what I
mean. I don't want you near that...
Don't... Just stay away from the whole...
- pen... penile area.
- Dad.
Don't even see him anymore.
Don't even see him anymore.
- That's it. You can't see him anymore.
- Or what?
What are you gonna do, ground me?
I'm 22 years old.
Oh, really? Well, you're
forgetting you live in my house.
Well, trust me.
I'm doing everything I can to change that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
My name's Bill. And I'm a little upset...
to say the least, if you know what I mean.
Okay.
Someone stole two boxes
of my Buckle-O-Bill belt buckles.
World renowned, uniquely crafted.
Word on the street is
you're trying to sell 'em.
You talking about this? This here?
No, no, no. I bought this
legit from Gary the Buckle Man.
I don't know Gary the Buckle Man!
I know you're trying to take
food out of my kid's mouth.
I don't even have a kid.
But if I did, you're taking his food!
- Uh-uh.
- I want my buckle!
- Hey!
- Hey! Hey!
I need at least three feet
of personal space here.
- It's my buckle!
- I'm gonna paralyze you!
Crazy, man.
It's my Delaware!
Two fingers. Two. That's all it takes.
I will call the cops, man!
#I don't know #
#Where I belong #
#And I don't know #
#Where I should go #
Wait. So, you're gonna be a P.A. now?
It's just temporary. Our
neighbor hooked it up.
Wait. Rico Suave from across the street?
That... That old dude
who wears the low-rise jeans?
What? He's 34. He's not that old.
Very specific information you have there.
Hey.
So, uh, tomorrow night?
- Yeah? - I wrote
a little "something something" for you.
- For me?
- Oh, yeah.
- Shut up!
- Yeah, you want a little sneak preview?
- Okay.
- Okay.
# Ryden is beautiful
It's true #
#'Cause she's got eyes ofblue #
# But then one day I tried to kiss you #
#And you said
Oh, n-n-no #
- You're an idiot.
- You love me.
Anyway, so here's the deal.
Tomorrow night, me, you...
that dress.
Zip me.
Uh, yeah. Um...
So, first of all, I'm just gonna rock
the socks off everyone at that show.
Second, you're gonna throw your bra onstage,
just scream like a little girl.
Um... There.
And third,
we're gonna go out to a big, fancy dinner.
- Multiple forks... everything.
- We are?
- Yeah.
- Why?
To, uh, celebrate your new quasi job thing.
- Just to celebrate?
- Yeah.
- That sounds fun.
- Uh, it sounds...
"fan-crapping-tastic,"
is what it sounds like.
Making guacamole for your family...
orjust for yourself used to be a fight.
But now, with the Guacanator...
the Guacanator 3000...
making guacamole is as
easy as uno, dos, tres!
Senor Avocado... he no stand a chance
against the grips of the Guacanator.
The only assault will be
against your taste buds!
Got it. Got it. Okay, cut!
Okay, I got it. All right.
- And we're clear. - This mustache
is crap. The hairs are going in my mouth.
- I can swear I swallowed a couple.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll take care of that in a sec, all right?
- Thanks.
- Okay, everyone, take five.
- Take a fiver.
- There she is.
- Hey. - How's the first day
going? As shitty as I promised?
- It's not so bad.
- Well, just wait.
Ah. Psst. Bro. Hey, bro! Yo, dude.
Can I talk to you for a second before
you shoot anything else?
Well, this should be fun.
The script is like a
road map, but the road map...
Can you talk to the catering people? The
meat on this sandwich smells like ass-crack.
- Oh, okay.
- First of all, you're really close.
So, congrats. Bones. Awesome. Sweet.
We're getting so close,
but I just wanna go from the top.
A couple things to make this double awesome.
Give me more Mexican. I gotta get
more Mexican. You know what I mean?
I gotta... Oh! I wanna be
on or across the border.
You know what I mean? "Mexi-can." Not
"Mexi-can't" or "Mexi-could." "Mexi-can."
Like any of that flavor,
literally and figuratively, into it.
- Awesome.
- All right.
Second of all, your shots are boring, bro.
Seriously. Here's an idea.
Did you ever see The Matrix?
Movie about, like, alternative reality.
Okay, that shot... Keanu's, like, up in
the air... Bam! He's in the air. Freeze.
Remember what I'm saying? Yeah, like that.
That's exciting. That's awesome.
But check this out. Instead of Keanu...
it's the Guacanator is up in the air,
and you shoot around it, like, 360, 720.
Like, change the axis.
Like, people are totally gonna blow minds.
Matrix. That's a great idea. Yeah.
- Thank you. I wasn't fishing for that.
I appreciate it. - Maybe while I'm at it...
- I could...
- Bring it. Bring it.
Maybe we could hoist it up on a cross...
and we have The Passion of the Guacamole.
Okay. I get it. Do you think that's funny?
I think you're an idiot.
And I quit.
- Told you... Hollywood.
- Can you hear me?
- Let's go.
- I think I have the wrong channel.
- What?
- Let's go.
Hey. Hey, catch.
Hey, whatever.
All right, I'm gonna shoot this.
Can you put him back in the ring?
I got an idea.
- You're fired!
- Thank you!
#She don't know who she is #
#Oh, I can take her anywhere #
For years I had to deal with
this kind of stupidity.
Come on. Can you believe it?
I mean, you can't imagine how many times
I just wanted to walk off set like that.
- My God, I just walked off set.
- Yeah.
And it looks like I just lost another job.
That feels good. That feels great!
#With you eventually #
#'Cause I am always where I need to be #
#A nd I always thought #
Come on.
- #I would end up with you eventually #
- Ol! Ol!
Can we go? You guys ready?
- Where's your guy? Who's your singer?
- Yeah, he's right behind you.
Hey, man, you're on.
You guys good?
So, my name is Adam Davies.
I hope this doesn't make
anyone too uncomfortable...
but I'm completely naked
under these clothes.
This song is for someone...
I, um, care about a lot.
Ready?
# I'm counting the streetlights #
# It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
# Feels wrong at the right times #
#To reveal my hand #
# I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
# How hard it is for me to #
#Show my heart #
#With all the love #
# Running through my soul #
# Maybe one day you will know #
You know what I thought when I met you?
No.
- Aside from the incredible ears,
she's smart and stunning. -
- Absolutely stunning.
- Hmm.
But there was something else.
I just saw a girl that has the whole world
at her fingertips...
and she doesn't even know it.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm such an idiot. I completely forgot.
- It's cool.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
How was it?
Great. Fine, good... I...
And our dinner... I missed our fancy dinner.
You're getting overly worked up about this,
Ryden. It's...
It's cool.
Besides, you were clearly busy with...
Pel from across the street.
Oh, no, he... We were at work...
- and then there was this big blowup,
so we left, but it was... - Uh-huh.
Awesome. I'll see you later.
- Wait. What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
Just let me explain.
What exactly needs explanation?
The fact that I've been
waiting around like a moron...
hoping that one day you'll actually
feel about me the way I feel about you?
Or the fact that you're so obsessed
with your future...
that y-you completely forget about everyone
that you're supposed to give a shit about?
I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done.
I may not know exactly what my future
looks like, but I do know one thing.
You're not in it.
Oh...
...say can and will be used against
you, okay? - I didn't know they were hot.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- Bought them on the Internet.
Can't afford one, one will
be provided to you by the state.
This is so stupid. I can't...
Didn't have to be this way.
Grab your brother. Get him in the car.
Come on, honey.
Come on. Let's go get in the car.
I had absolutely nothing to do with this.
You can ask anybody,
and they'll tell you. I hate crime.
It's okay. It's okay.
The good news is your husband
doesn't have any priors.
The bad news is we're
gonna have to hold him.
Trafficking stolen
property is no small crime.
- The bail won't be set till tomorrow.
- You're keeping him overnight?
- But he's not a criminal. He's
just a moron. - That's the breaks.
I told you. I told you in
He's your son.
- And I did the best I could with
what I had. -
Yeah, well, your best effort is in jail
till tomorrow morning.
Hey. Pick up. I've called you 80 times.
I'm really, really sorry.
I... Call me back.
Where's Dad? I wanna go home.
Try and have a good one, all right?
Mrs. Malby? Miss?
Yes? Yes?
- Hey, morning. How you doing?
- Hi. Morning.
Um, so, basically, in order to bail him out,
you're looking at 15,000 bucks.
- Oh, my God. What? - Or he stays
in the slammer until the trial.
Oh, God.
$15,000.
Well, let's go home.
- Maureen?
- What?
Wait.
Cough it up.
Cough what up?
Pay the man your son's bail money.
Are you crazy?
You think if I had that kind of dough
I'd be living with you?
Cut the baloney, Maureen. Please.
I know you have money.
I know you sew it into your panty hose.
And I know you've got
it under your mattress...
and shoved up inside
every shoe in your closet.
Pay the man.
Why can't my family just
love me for my soul...
instead of my meager possessions
and my bank account?
Well, I love your soul, Grandma.
Okay, um... Will you take a check,
or do you want the green stuff?
I'm free!
I'm free!
Look at the sky.
Can you see how blue the sky is?
This entire experience has transformed me.
I am a new man. The old Walter is dead.
But the new Walter
wants to say how much I love you guys.
I'm a new man, and we're a new family.
I mean, look,
we have our problems. What family doesn't?
I know I get to be bullheaded. And,
you know, Ryden here is
essentially unemployable.
Hmm?
Hunter licks people, and...
Grandma's very, very...
very... kind.
So kind.
But, no matter what, we're a family.
We're a real family.
We're the Malbys, damn it.
From now on, it's Malby time.
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
That's all right, honey.
I'll just take a cab over to the curb.
- Malby!
- Grab my purse.
- My purse. - Did you leave it
at the police station, Maureen?
- No, I didn't leave... I thought
you had it. -
- I don't have your purse.
- Adam?
- I'm looking for Ryden Malby.
- That's me.
This is Barbara Snaff
from Happerman & Browning.
Listen, the position you interviewed for
just came available again.
You wanna fire me? Fine. I don't care.
I'm gonna own this town. And I'm gonna come
back, and I'm gonna take you down.
Wait... Wait, are you serious?
You're offering me the job?
Yes. Absolutely. When can you start?
The job is yours if you want it.
Immediately! Absolutely, yes.
Great. I'll have my assistant call you
with all the details.
- Thank you. Perfect.
- She's not there anymore.
- Guys, I got the job! I got the job!
- Yea!
- Does it pay? Does it pay?
- Yeah, it pays!
- Malby! Malby!
- Malby! Malby!
- Malby! Malby!
- She got a job!
Okay.
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
Okay. Silent treatment. I get it.
Very fifth grade of you. But very effective.
Please call me. Please?
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
All right.
Just... call me when you're ready.
Yo, yo.
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah, go. Go, Adam.
Take it in. Take it in.
Yes!
- Nice shot.
- All right. Check ball.
I'm open right here.
Someone once told me that every...
evil, horrible thing in the world...
can be directly counteracted by
the joy of a simple dessert.
I'm really sorry, Adam.
I know you don't wanna talk to me,
but I really have something
to tell you. I wish you...
Hold on a second.
If you don't forgive
me, I will follow you...
everywhere you go,
playing this extremely annoying song...
till you slowly go insane.
Okay. Just make it stop.
Ha!
How do you steal an ice cream truck?
Borrow.
My dad knows a guy that knows a guy, so...
Of course.
Look.
I'm good.
I'm so sorry I flaked on you, Adam.
You would never do anything like that to me.
And I've been thinking a lot about...
- I accept your apology.
- Wait. You have to let me get this out.
I have been thinking a lot
about what you said...
and I think you just...
maybe you just threw me because...
Look, it's fine.
Really, it's... It's all good.
I'm just...
You know, I'm in the middle of a game.
- Yo.
- Well, wait.
Um, do you wanna,
I don't know, hang out later? Um...
Oh, we could celebrate,
'cause I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I got that job at Happerman & Browning.
That's awesome.
Uh, I...
But I can't get together later,
'cause I kind of need to pack.
Pack?
Yeah. Uh...
Look, I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I decided to go to Columbia.
And I'm leaving tomorrow.
What? You're going to law school?
In New York?
Yeah.
That's...
That's... so great.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, I think
it'll be... I think it'll be good.
Look, I promise I'll call you...
as soon as I get settled in, okay?
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Come on, Adam. Ball in. Ball in. Ball in.
Hold up.
- Our ball.
- All right.
- Our ball.
- Check it up. Check it up, Adam.
Our ball.
All right.
Ball.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Ryden Malby. I'm...
The new assistant to the editor. Yes.
One sec. I'll get Lloyd.
I've got Ryden. Thanks.
Well, here it is. Home, sweet home.
- That's the mail cart.
- Great. Well, perfect.
Is there any material
you want me to start to read or...
No. Reading's on your own time.
Jessica was a shit filer,
so we're a little backed up on submissions.
I see that.
What happened toJessica anyway?
Well, we had a little bit of
a misunderstanding, she and I.
You see, I thought that she worked for me.
She thought she was running the company.
- Sounds likeJessica.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ready to go?
- Yep, I'll get right on it.
You know you're gonna have to enter every
one of these into the database, right?
Okay. Absolutely. Yeah.
- Hi.
- Oh!
Of course.
#Apicture paints a thousand words #
#As one door closes
another door opens #
#And two wrongs don't make a right #
#Now, good things come to those who wait #
Okay. I've got it right here.
My life is a shit-storm. I got way
too much crap to keep in my own brain.
So, what do I do?
- #Say what you say # - I think
those two books are totally different.
- #Do what you do #
- Different enough.
#Feel what you feel as long as it's real #
#I said take what you take #
#And give what you give
Just be what you want #
#Just as long as it's real ##
When are you gonna build my boxcar?
Get the puppet out of my face.
Come on. All the
other kids' dads are practically done.
Fine. Forget it.
Hunter. Wait a minute.
When's that race again?
- Saturday.
- Saturday.
Saturday.
Go get your mother, your grandmother.
We need every able-bodied man
we can get. Go.
- Just move all my Thursday
appointments to Friday. - Okay.
Oh, and you're gonna wanna get
some beauty sleep this weekend...
'cause I want you to sit in
on the Asia conference on Monday morning.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great. I'd love to. That'd be great.
- Great.
- Oh, you forgot one. Sign and date. There.
- Oh. Okay.
- All right. "Buenos nachos."
- Good night.
Hey, try to get out of here
by 9:00 tonight, will you?
- Okay.
- All right.
#Far, far#
#T here's this little girl #
#She was praying for something
to happen to her#
#The reality looks far now
but don't go #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
- #Mmm, mmm ##
- I got this job...
this incredible job.
And I'm working my ass off.
But I always expected that.
What are all the boxes for?
Moving back to Brazil.
Are you serious?
Yeah. My life is there.
I haven't seen my family in ages.
And I come home every night to what?
I guess I finally realized that...
what you do with your life
is really just one half of the equation.
The other half...
the more important half really, is...
who you're with when you're doing it.
Okay, come on! Come on.
Come on.
You got plenty of room. You got miles.
Oh, geez!
Don't tell me that's another cat.
Oh, geez.
Hey, keep this on the down-low, Mom.
It's one of those goofy gnomes.
Don't tell Carmella.
- Hunty? Come on, Hunty.
- He broke the gnome.
- Oh, sugar.
- Jesus! What'd I just say?
Hand me...
What's going on?
Get dressed. We're late.
We need all the manpower we can get.
But what if I don't drive good?
Hey. Hey, you're a Malby.
Driving is in your blood. Okay?
Come on. Come on, let's go.
We gotta go. Come on!
- And it's "drive well,"honey, not
"drive good." - Wait. Don't drive good?
Proper English is "drive well."
I want you to drive well.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please turn your attention...
to the starting ramp
for the last event of the day.
This is the one you've been waiting for...
the final race for the 9th Annual
P. T.A. Boxcar Derby.
Racers and their teams,
please take your marks.
Let's go, Raymond!
All right. How you feeling?
- Look at Hunter!
- Go, Hunty!
Go! Go!
Are you focused?
Balls to the wall.
Don't tell your mom I said that.
Smoke 'em. Go get 'em.
Balls to the wall, Hunty!
All right, let's go!
Come on! Go!
- Dad! Dad!
- Brake! Pull the brake back!
- What?
- The brake!
Go, Hunter! Go! Go!
Yeah! Go get 'em!
Go!
Go!
- Walt,
watch your ankle! - Go! Go!
#Here's to you, honey #
#But I'm out of your league #
#Y ou're never gonna pass me #
- #' Cause I'm out of your league #
- Go! Get in there!
#L ooky here, baby #
#You're comin'my way #
#But I move like a landslide #
#So I get out of my way
and stay away #
#Up from the floor
on the count of 10 #
#Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
#Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
- #Oh, you get up you get down
and you try again # -
#You get up, you get down
and you try again #
#Get up, you get down
and you try again #
- #You get up, you get down
and you try again ## - Yeah!
Whoa!
- Come on! Let's go!
- Excuse me.
Dad!
Dad!
Oh!
Thank goodness. You okay?
By the way, you won!
- Wow! Look at that.
- That-a-boy!
- Come on. Up, up.
- That's okay.
- No?
- Not today.
Okay.
- That-a-boy.
- Let me see. Let me see.
- It's so cool.
- Look at that.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom, Dad...
Sure you don't wanna get a little shut-eye
and see how you feel in the morning?
Nope.
Just out of curiosity though,
do you think I'm making the right decision?
Well, you know,
ever since you were a little kid...
you always seemed to have it figured out.
You know, you made good grades, you...
kept your room neat and clean,
you ate your vegetables.
Can I be honest with you?
I always found it a little troubling.
Because, see, hon...
the world's a screwy place.
It doesn't play by the rules.
So if you're asking me...
do I think it's a good
idea for you to, uh...
quit your job...
leave behind the only family you have...
and travel 3,000 miles...
to a place you've never been before?
I think it's the most kick-ass idea
you've ever had.
'Cause I think no matter where you are,
you're gonna knock 'em dead.
Thanks, Dad.
- See ya.
- Okay.
- Love ya, honey.
- Love ya. Bye.
No good-byes. Just see you later.
You be careful in New York.
There are a bunch of kookies there.
- Okay, I will.
- Call me frequently, okay?
- Okay. - I've got you on my
speed dial, and you're on mine.
- # Show me the world #
- Okay. Okay, bye.
- #In the shape of your looking glass #
- Bye.
#Beautifully bold when the colors unfold #
#Yes, it's easy to see #
#But it's harder to find #
#And I'm thinkin'of you #
#And it's clear in my mind, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And I'm eastern bound #
Thanks.
#Almost let slip all these words
in my fingertips #
#Still unaware #
#Of the pen in my hand, but I'm #
#Makin'my way day by day
comin'back to you #
#Here, unafraid of the path
that I choose, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And that's where you are found ##
Hey.
Life sucks without you.
I miss you. I...
Well, of course I miss you. I...
I knew that I would, but it's not like a...
"Hey, we had some great times...
you know, keep in touch" kind of thing.
It's... It was more like,
"I can't eat... I can't sleep...
I forget what it feels like to laugh"
kind of thing.
And I really think that when you left...
you took my heart with you.
Um...
I- I probably should've called first.
Oh, whoa. Whoa. No, no, no. Hold...
Ryden! Whoa!
Where are you... Where are you going?
Ryden!
Ryden. Ryden, hey. Wait. Hold up.
Look. Hey. Stop. All right? Hey.
She's my R.A.
I was just filling out a maintenance report.
- She's not...
- No.
Really?
Yeah.
I love you.
Well, that's good.
'Cause I love you.
#Some kind of magic #
#Happens late at night #
- Wanna go inside?
- Yeah.
#When the moon smiles down at me #
- Hey, Walt, it's Ryden.
- Oh.
- Hey, sweetie-pie.
- It's her machine, so leave a message.
Oh. Hey, guess who's coming for a visit.
We got cheap-ass tickets
on CheapAssTickets-dot-com, swear to God.
Ask Adam if he's got a pull-out,
'cause Grandma's got that heinous hump.
- 'Cause I don't wanna have her
suffering more than she... - Stop that!
I don't have a hump! Give me that.
I don't have a hump. I can sleep
anyplace you wanna put me, Ryden.
And, honey, it's genetic,
so take your calcium.
And don't forget to layer up, okay?
You're from California.
- And remember, condoms are
your best friend. - Oh, you have to...
Wait, like, the whole family's coming?
#It's a brand new day #
#The sun is shining #
#It's a brand new day #
#For the first time
in such a long, long time #
#I know #
#I'll be okay ##
#I'm counting the streetlights #
#It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
#It feels wrong at the right time #
#To reveal my hand #
#It's like I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#I'm hoping you just might #
#Take a moment to realize #
#That everything you're looking for#
#Is hidden in plain sight #
#I know you better#
#Than I know myself#
#How I feel is the only thing that #
#I could never ever tell you #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#Maybe one day you will ##