Postal (2007) Movie Script
MAN: Tower two.
Stand by.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
That's affirmative.
Congratulations, Nabi.
We are at the doorstep
of our martyrdom.
Praise Allah.
Praise him!
Soon we will be greeted
by Allah, the one true god,
and by the cheers
of our forefathers
and by 99 perfect virgins
who will worship us
for all eternity!
I thought it was 100.
What's that?
they promised me 100.
what's the difference?
If they're telling you one thing
and they're telling me another,
maybe they don't know
for sure.
Maybe.
Maybe the exact number
of virgins is not precise.
I mean, if it's in the 90s,
I can live with that.
Or 75.
Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?
Well...
What if it's 10, but we have
to split them between us?
Then you'll have
five more virgins
than you have right now,
right?
We're talking
about eternity here!
How long will five virgins
last you -- maybe a month?
They're not going to be virgins
for long, right?
Look, would it make
you feel better
if we called the big guy?
Yes.
Take the stick.
- Okay.
It's ringing.
Osama, yes, it's Asif.
No, we're on it.
It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?
What are you going to do?
Anyway, look,
Nabi has a question.
Will you talk to him?
No!
[ mutters indistinctly ]
You do it!
Hello!
Yes.
Uh, it's about the virgins.
Really?
It was 100 when I signed up.
[ sighs ]
He said
it's not that many anymore.
Too many martyrs
in the first go-around.
You've got to be kidding me.
Does he know where we are here?
Give me the phone.
Take the stick.
Osama, it's Asif.
Right now, can you tell me
the number, absolutely,
that you can guarantee
Nabi and myself,
as far
as virgins are concerned?
[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]
No, that's fine.
MAN: Do it!
Come on, man!
He can't guarantee
more than 20.
MAN #2: Open the goddamn door,
you bastards!
MAN #3: We're gonna fucking
kill you, you motherfucker!
MAN #4:
Lying pieces of shit!
MAN #5: Open the door!
MAN #6:- Open this fucker!
Screw this, right?
I'm glad you said it first.
Okay, get on the intercom
to the passengers.
We are changing course
for the Bahamas.
Bahamas!
Aah!
[ indistinct shouting ]
We're going to the Bahamas!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Aah!
[ whistling ]
[ gunshots ]
MAN:...Has again expanded
the definition of marriage,
this time to include any union
between a man and a woman,
a man and a man,
a woman and a woman,
a man and a collie,
or a woman, a polish sausage,
and a long weekend.
The standoff with Mr. Cruise
Has now stretched
into its eighth day.
Cruise continues to insist
that police are violating
his parental
and religious freedoms,
citing human sacrifice
as essential...
Today on
"Good Morning Paradise,"
mayoral candidate Eugene Wells
joins us to talk about
the new political landscape,
and the newest toy craze
of the year --
Krotchy dolls.
Stay tuned. It's gonna be
a super-dupe show.
Turn down that fucking TV!
I can't hear my show.
[ indistinct shouting on TV ]
Yeah,
nothing's good on anyway.
Just, uh, preparing
for my interview.
Fight!
Aw, you fight like a pussy.
No one's gonna hire
your sorry ass.
Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?
[ gagging ]
God damn it!
What the hell
is going on out there?!
Ugh.
Nothing.
Make sure you pick up
that welfare check!
Kiss, kiss,
sweetie pie...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ squishing ]
Come on!
Come on!
No.
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
I told you --
no poopies in our yard.
No poopies in this yard.
You only poop in
the next-door neighbor's yard.
[ gunshots pinging ]
Feces in the yard.
[ sighs ]
That's a violation
of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.
Stop eating the poop.
I'll add that to the list.
Th-the list?
The list. Great. The list.
W-what else?
What else
you got on the list?
Ordinance number 143-11.
Yesterday around lunchtime.
Now, I don't care what you two
do in your own bedroom,
but ordinance number 143-11
says if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,
I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,
which is
exactly what I'm gonna do!
Oh. Oh.
- Oh, okay.
Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.
Oh, for your information,
hillbilly,
I wasn't even here
yesterday afternoon.
[ laughs ]
[ sighs ]
I hate this town.
Matt!
- Whatever!
This fucking sucks.
And NASA,
The National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,
does not exist.
All the space missions
that we've heard about
since we were little kids
in school --
creations of Hollywood.
We did not land on the moon.
There is no John Glenn.
Well, there's a John Glenn
who's a Senator...
Hey, hello?
You, professor.
What is this,
a reading library?
Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes, buddy.
Ah, no "two minutes" now.
You buy now, or bye-bye.
Bye-dee now now.
Ah, go on, bye-bye.
Go on.
Bye-bye.
You bye-bye.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Hey.
Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.
Daddy, Mohammed says he needs
to talk to you again.
What about?
What else?
Okay, so, what did she say
about me exactly?
That slut.
# killer, yeah,
and rhyme till I die #
# with an AK-47
from side to side #
# jihad killers #
# man, it's hot in here #
# you just to stake that
out of this atmosphere #
# jihad killers #
My brother.
Any police come around today?
Anything suspicious?
No, nothing, Mohammed.
Trust me...
you are safely hidden here
for as long as you want.
Well, that may not
be for much longer.
Oh?
We have news
from Afghanistan.
News? Oh.
It is all coming together.
The shipment
left three days ago.
Oh.
Praise Allah.
When, uh, will be it here?
Tomorrow!
The time has come for us
to place our swords
to the genitals
of the infidels.
[ exhales deeply ]
Whoo-hoo!
[ chuckles nervously ]
[ groans lightly ]
[ keys clacking ]
Gah.
I see
you noticed the heads --
motivational.
Those are
every fucking bastard
that I had to climb over
to get this job.
Jesus.
[ laughs ]
Foul.
They're paper-mache.
They're --
he thought they were real.
[ chuckles ]
Sit down.
Let's get started.
So, I hope you don't mi--
I hope you don't mind
the recording.
Uh, we're gonna use it
as training later.
Ready?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's good.
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
It's, uh --
the chair is actually --
All right,
we're on a time clock,
So let's get started,
shall we?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Well...
Um, so, I'm here
for the job, sir.
Right.
You're a factory worker.
I was.
I was a factory worker, but
the factory got closed down,
so I got laid off, and --
I've interviewed 15 other people
for this job.
What makes you think
you're better than them?
Well, I don't know
if I am better than them.
Well, god damn it, pal.
If you want this job, you better
reach out and grab it.
You better put
those fucking heads on the wall.
You know what? Fuck it.
Let's go to the questions.
What is
your greatest strength?
Um...
I'm a really good team player.
Wrong.
[ keys clacking ]
What is
your biggest weakness?
Um, I'd say I work too hard.
Wrong.
How would you move a
mountain using only a spoon?
A spoon?
If you were in a box,
how would you think outside it?
Uh, it's --
well, if you're in a --
Wrong.
Last question --
What is
the difference between a duck?
And?
What the hell
is wrong with you people?!
A d-- a wh-- duck?
I don't --
I came here for a job, a job!
As far as I know, that job
has nothing to do with a
cocksucking, motherfucking duck!
[ keys clacking ]
Congratulations, pal.
You're
our leading candidate.
How does it feel?
[ keys clacking ]
It feels good.
No, no, no, no, no.
How's it feel?
How does it feel?
I mean, how does it feel
to put fucking 15 heads
on that wall?
I'll tell you how it feels.
It feels fucking great,
doesn't it?
Fucking great, like, unh,
unh, unh, unh, unh, unh...
So, I got it?
I got the job?
Oh, hell, no.
No, no, no.
This was just a like
a getting-to-know-you interview.
Oh, yeah, no, no, we have --
we have a couple of more -- 120.
Yeah, we have some, uh, more --
more candidates to talk to.
But hell of a start, though.
- Absolutely.
Last thing before you go --
I'd like you to sing
the company fight song.
[ up-tempo guitar music plays ]
# it's not a flag,
it's a company #
# a high-flying company #
# and it will cheerfully
work you to death #
# by the time you are old,
the pension is sold #
# and your cube
will be your casket #
# it's a company,
a high-flying company #
# now please get back to work #
[ music stops ]
We'll get back to you.
[ keys clacking ]
I hate this town.
[ Mark Polak's "Peace, Love,
and Harmony" plays ]
# change has begun #
# ah, ah #
# spread the word today #
# ah, ah, ah, ah #
# follow the flower children #
# let them lead the way #
Brothers and sisters...
I am proud
to introduce to you the one.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hold up your energies
for Uncle Dave!
[ cheers and applause ]
Good group, good group.
[ inhales deeply ]
Welcome to the Denomination
of Organic Monotheism.
I congratulate you all on taking
the first step to freedom
by completing
your training program.
Obviously, you've come
to the correct conclusion
that the American dream
is not a dream for you.
WOMAN: That's right!
In fact...
it is a nightmare...
[ cheers and applause ]
yeah!
...a nightmare that soon
will be engulfed
in the all-encompassing flames
of God's damnation!
Yeah!
Pious people in the house,
say, "oh!"
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
Who loves God?
We do!
- We do! - We do!
[ knock on door ]
RICHARD: David?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Initiation.
I love this part.
No, no, Richie, no, no,
this is...
this is just -- this
is just inner-sanctum stuff,
strictly ritualistic.
Uh, Uncle Dave, uh,
sorry to bother you,
but we've got some rather
important business.
[ grunts ]
The girls --
they need to go.
Oh!
Mm. Okay.
Children, it appears
that Brother Richard here
has to, uh, commingle
our -- our energies.
Sweetie -- sweetie --
Let's go.
Come on, ladies, move.
[ pop! ]
DAVE: There we go.
WOMAN: But I want more communion.
- Wa-kah!
Oh, we'll do communion,
I promise.
It's my favorite meal
of the day.
Don't worry about it.
RICHARD:- That's nice.
Now go.
- Oh, hello.
God bless it.
Ah, Richie, what the fuck is it?
What's the problem?
We're having something
[gasps]
of a cash-flow problem.
What the fuck
you talking about, Richie?
Did you see all those recruits
out there today?
It's true.
Membership and donations
are at an all-time high,
and we got more tail running
around here than the --
than the Playboy Mansion,
but it's --
[ farts ]
[ water splashing ]
Yeah? So?
Then what's the problem, Rich?
[ breathing heavily ]
Well...
[ farts ]
...it's the IRS.
Yeah?
Well, what do they want?
Uh, it seems we haven't paid
our taxes in three years.
So what, man?
I tried to explain,
of course,
that with our continued expectation
of the end of the world,
it's difficult
to justify contributing
to long-term programs like
Medicare or Social Security,
but, um...
[ farts ]
[ water splashing ]
...apparently even
a selective tax payment
is not an option.
Oh, come on, Richie, you know
I don't like to micromanage.
What the fuck do we do
about this, all right?
Well...
- Huh?
[ exhales heavily ]
What's your plan?
[ gagging ]
We pay them or, uh --
Ohh!
[ toilet flushing ]
We pay them,
or everything is all over --
the weenie whacking,
the pantless parties,
the tacos, everything.
And you...
you go to jail.
So, how much do we owe?
Mm...
[ inhales, exhales deeply ]
$1.3 million and 79 cents.
Oh, fuck, Rich.
Oh, d-d-don't despair,
Uncle Dave.
When the government
slams the doors shut,
G-O-D always opens
a window.
Oh.
That's a beautifully
retarded sentiment, Richie.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to be alone.
Well, if you need me,
I'm in the other room.
It seems
pretty unlikely, Rich.
Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy
dolls can't meet the demand,
And parents and
children alike have been
lining up for weeks to
get their hands on them.
We'll be back in two minutes.
See you then.
# I prey on the innocent #
# living on the grind #
# tryin' to get a dollar
out of 15 cents #
Hey, yo, hi.
Come here.
Help me out with a few bucks.
Yeah, I -- I don't have
any money.
Come on.
Come on, I'm serious.
Come over here.
I need a few bucks to get a bus
to go see my kids.
I -- yo, I don't have --
sorry, I don't have any money.
- Hey, come here.
Come here.
I want to talk -- come here.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm sick and tired
of people like you, you know?
You got a good job.
You got a big car.
You got everything,
and I got nothing.
Well, fuck you,
And fuck everybody
who even looks like you!
Get the fuck out of here!
# brace yourself #
I'll fucking knock you out, pal.
# just to see how it feels #
GREG: It's green.
[ siren wails ]
Look, you can make the light!
Hey!
[ horn honking ]
Oh.
You can make the light!
Come on, bitch!
God damn.
She could have made
the fucking light.
She forget her glass.
You say "glass"?
- Yes.
You say "glass," you
frankfurt-eating motherfucker?
I bought all these goddamn English CDs
For you
to say fucking "glass"?
It's "glasses."
You fucking foreigners
come over here,
and you fuck up
the language,
and this bitch
is fucking up the traffic!
Come down, Greg.
You fucking calm down!
This flat-ass bitch
comes over here,
she takes over
the convenience stores,
and they eat up
all our goddamn dogs!
Go and help her.
Come on.
WOMAN:
What's the holdup?!
You're right.
I'm trippin'.
I'll just get out of the car
and make sure she's doing okay.
She's an old lady.
[ sighs ]
I feel bad now.
[ woman shouts indistinctly ]
Hi.
The light is green.
[ speaking native language ]
The light is green.
You could have
went through the light.
The light turned gr--
what did you say?
[ speaking native language ]
What'd you say, bitch?
Aah!
Why don't you stir-fry that?
[ man laughing ]
WOMAN: Holy fuck!
MAN: Damn!
Yeah, that'll get her moving!
Man.
What happened over there?
Bitch called me nigger.
[ indistinct conversations ]
Ooh.
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
One date with me,
she'll look like she's been hit
with a mayonnaise truck.
[ both laugh ]
That's right, Mr. Stickum.
[ both laugh ]
Yeah, I hope she comes back.
You got to hold it.
[ whimpers ]
Thank you.
Okay.
All set?
- Yes.
What do you got?
- I will have a medium...
[ inhales sharply ]
[ squeaking ]
No, you know what?
I'm gonna have a large.
I'll have a large mocha.
Okay.
No.
No, you know what?
Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.
Okay.
W-w-what do you think
goes better with bagels?
Unh!
You had 10 minutes
to make up your fucking mind!
What is it with you people?
Can somebody please tell me?
I mean, we sell coffee.
That's it, nothing else.
You're not buying a car,
I mean, right?
Make a fucking decision, huh?
How about it?
I know.
Here we go.
You're gonna have
a regular coffee.
Careful -- the beverage you're
about to enjoy is extremely hot.
Next?
Uh...
What?
I, um --
Two lattes,
no foam, please.
[ rock music plays ]
I can't believe
this is the first time
you've ever been here.
Huh.
I mean, all these fucking idiots
calling me Uncle Dave,
And here I am --
I actually am your Uncle Dave.
[ chuckles ]
Yeah.
So, when was the last time
I saw you?
The bachelor party,
right before the wedding night.
Oh, fuck, yeah, right.
That was fun.
I wonder
if that donkey survived.
[ inhales deeply ]
Well, what do you think
of the place?
Ah, it's -- it's amazing.
Yeah. I kind of owe it
all to you, you know?
Me?
Well, we always talked
about running a con like this, right?
- Yeah.
You know,
about how gullible people are,
how they'll believe anything
if you just tell it to them
a couple of times?
Anyway, I just took all that
talk, put it into action,
pushed it to the next level,
and...
here I fucking am.
Man.
I just can't believe it,
you know?
[ exhales deeply ]
Yeah.
You know, it's funny you showing
up here like this, you know,
'cause I find myself in a --
in a financial situation.
And I have a plan
for getting out of it,
But I could use a partner.
Uh, no.
No, no, no.
I know where this is going,
Uncle Dave.
I -- I don't do
that type of shit anymore.
Come on,
it'd be like old times.
Remember when we stole the flag
from the Governor's Mansion?
Twice.
Yeah.
And this plan
is foolproof, man.
I got arrested
the second time.
Well, that plan
wasn't foolproof.
Yeah, they prosecuted me
under the new flag protection amendment,
and with that on my record,
I couldn't get into a good
college or get a good job or --
I pretty much just play
by the rules.
Look, man, nobody plays
by the rules, all right?
You bend them,
or you break them.
Anything else
is just slow death.
Yeah,
that's what it feels like.
Yeah.
All right,
well, fuck it, man.
I never push you
to do anything, right?
I always let you go your own way.
- Yeah.
Besides, it's working out great
for you, right?
I mean, you got the beautiful
wife, the nice home.
If you change your mind, though,
you let me know.
Here,
have a souvenir ashtray.
Thanks.
MAN: Now, you're gonna get a
welfare check for $168, right?
Fuck you, man.
You give me that check,
I'll give you $250 worth
of food stamps.
You understand what I'm saying?
Major profit there.
This is a good deal, pal.
It's a fucking great deal.
Shit.
MAN #2: That's $82.
[ bell dings ]
$82. You're good at math.
Hey, that's you.
You're next.
Here, use my pen.
Use my pen
and don't forget to date it.
Hey, have you heard
that since the United States
has closed their borders they're
getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?
I don't understand you.
All that scrap copper's
gonna be for sale.
I don't want copper!
You go away!
Wrong form.
What?!
Wrong form!
Look, I don't care
what form I have, all right?!
I'm not leaving here
until I get my money!
Buddy, come on.
Hey, buddy, let's go.
Come on.
Where's the pen?
Where's my pen?
Hey, come here.
He's got my pen.
Hey! Hey!
MAN: Down! Down!
Shit!
[ woman screams ]
[ woman humming ]
[ gunshots ]
WOMAN #2: Fuck me!
[ humming continues ]
Help me!
[ gunshots continue ]
Ugh!
Aah!
WOMAN #3: Oh, my god!
MAN: Just get down!
Get down!
[ man screaming ]
That does it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
I need backup!
Unh! Unh!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Sweet.
[ speaking native language ]
[ grunts ]
Aah!
More fucking backup!
[ bell dings ]
Number 25!
Right here.
Here.
Right here.
Sorry, we're closed.
[ siren wailing ]
WOMAN: My baby!
POLICEMAN: Ha! Unh!
Unh!
Unh! Oof!
[ metal squeaking,
woman moaning ]
WOMAN: Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
[ moaning ]
Oh, yes!
Come on!
Give it to me, daddy.
Give it to your bad girl.
[ up-tempo music playing ]
[ moaning ]
Oh, yes!
Give it to me!
Oh!
Oh, yes!
[ music continues ]
MAN: I'll be back in a second,
sweet cheeks.
[ breathing heavily ]
Hi, neighbor.
Guess I won't be needing
that grievance after all, huh?
Okay.
# love #
# I'm sucker for love #
# your love is a love
that I can't get enough of #
# I'm a sucker for love,
your love #
Got to find the wet spot.
[ laughs ]
[ metal creaking ]
Leave the welfare check
on the counter.
Oh, yeah.
There. Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Give it to me, you stud.
Yes.
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
Get me a large bottle
of cooking oil.
The extra-virgin kind!
Oh, yes!
Yes!
[ moaning intensifies ]
Oh, yes!
Oh!
Please, Uncle Dave, please,
just a few hundred bucks,
just -- just enough to get me
out of this fuckhole town
for the rest
of my life, please?
Hey, sport.
Last chance.
Come on.
Help me out with a few bucks.
I don't have anything.
Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, huh?
What, do you think I'm stupid
or something, huh?
Listen, you're not gonna help me
out, I'll help out myself.
Open up the wallet.
Dude, who you talking to?
No.
Let go of my gun.
What's the matter with you?
Bro, you still there?
[ muttering ]
Hey, bro?
Hey, while I got you,
I got to ask you --
What do you think of those --
those mileage rewards programs?
What's the matter with you? Let go.
- No!
You know, I thought you could
use those miles anytime
To get tickets, right?
But, you know, I tried, and
you can't use them at Christmas.
Last chance.
- No.
Give me the gun!
- No.
[ gunshot ]
Aw, shit, sport.
[ thud ]
It's like at every holiday
it's blacked out.
Like, anytime you want to use the
fucking thing, it's blacked out.
DAVE:
That's bullshit, isn't it?
Dave?
- Yeah?
I'm in.
You are?
Oh, fuck,
that's great, man.
But you know what?
You caught me at kind of
a busy time right now, so, uh...
[ static buzzing ]
We, the people under Allah,
give you a new beacon
of strength
against the great Satan
of the West.
They believe we are weakened,
but in only a few days,
we will strike a blow against
America so swift and terrible
that the evil ones will collapse
once and for all.
We are asking those
of the true faith
to wait, pray,
and praise Allah when
the glorious slaughter begins.
And cut!
Wonderful scene, Sammy.
Just wonderful!
You truly outdid yourself
this time.
You -- you hold the screen.
You -- you are forceful,
yet unbelievable.
I almost cried
in the middle there.
You have
such a -- a star quality.
You can't put it into words.
You are a true superstar.
Your voice...
Your eyes --
they were popping.
[ whimpering ]
What?
Don't you know
I'm lactose intolerant?
Are you trying to kill me?
[ sighs ]
Who writes this shit?
They're not listening anymore,
Mohammed.
I tell them
about Allah and glory.
And what do I get?
What do I get every damn time?
Virgins.
Ding ding ding
ding ding ding.
Nobody wants to die anymore
unless they get virgins.
But no one has to die
this time.
That is genius
of the shipment.
Ooh, the shipment!
Ooh, big whoop!
What is it this time --
more Anthrax?
[ coughs ]
Sammy, sammy...
Why do you have
to be like that?
Remember the thing with
the planes a few years back?
Do you remember that, hmm?
Do you remember that?
Come on, do you remember that?
Child's play!
Tomorrow is
when we really make our mark --
you, me...
and the shipment
of Krotchy dolls.
I'm gonna go watch "Oprah."
She's looking good
these days.
The diet is working.
I will do anything it takes to
get the fuck out of Paradise --
anything, anything!
DAVE: Okay.
Take me up the ass.
Just kidding.
[ chuckles ]
No, no, here, here.
You know these things?
Krotchy dolls?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Biggest show on TV, number one.
Oh, and the guy
who does the voice for it --
he's some big
international star, right?
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
All that matters
is everybody wants one
of those dolls, right?
But, sadly...
the Chinese tanker
bringing them over here sank.
They were able to save
about 100,000 dolls.
Unfortunately, none of the crew
was rescued.
So, what,
there's not enough dolls?
Check this out, man.
One of these dolls
sold at auction this morning
for $4,000.
Fuck me.
Yeah.
And...
And 2,000 times $4,000
times $4,000 is, uh...
is 8, uh...
that's like --
no, it's 800 --
no, it's 8--
well, you move --
well, if it's three zeros h--
you move the decimal back.
I don't think -- no, well, wait.
- Or...
It's a fucking lot of money!
Oh, it's an ass-load
of money.
Dude, a couple of asses.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
So, what do you want out of me?
Come up with the plan.
'Cause if you remember
the whole flag-stealing thing,
that was my plan.
That sucked.
It had
certain structural flaws.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
What we got to do
is we got to --
we got to go to little Germany...
- Yeah.
...And we got to break in there,
and we got to, uh,
get the dolls,
and we got to -- we got
to bring them back here.
So, we're gonna need
some sort of a, uh...
truck.
Truck.
A truck would be good.
Uh, one they can't trace back to us.
- Right.
Aha.
Huh?
Yeah.
You got an idea?
I got --
yeah, I got something.
No, it's gone.
Oh.
George W. Bush is a sham.
He's an actor.
That's not even his real name.
He knows too much.
Mohammed, he's crazy.
He suspects nothing.
I'm sorry.
You are a good man, Habib,
but we are at a critical point
in the plan,
and we must take no chances.
No.
Ohh!
[ giggling ]
[ beeping ]
Goodbye, heaven tarts...
sugar logs...
powdered flakes...
and sweetie o's.
[ beeping continues ]
[ clears throat ]
Goodbye, low-calorie
fudge ice cream.
[ slurping ]
[ beeping continues ]
Allah!
[ explosion ]
[ car alarms blaring ]
[ metal creaking ]
[ squeaking ]
Huh.
[ clears throat ]
How much is this?
[ motor humming ]
[ grunting ]
[ groans ]
[ singsongy voice ]
Harry!
You got my money, Harry.
[ chuckles ]
[ normal voice ] What you got
for us today, Harry, huh?
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Harry, come on.
You've been out here
for two hours and --
donating.
H-help the retards.
[ electricity zapping ]
Doing $13,
motherfucker.
Let's go.
What?
Oh, okay, I thought
you said something.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
$5s and $10s only.
[ engine sputters ]
No bath this month,
you son of a bitch.
[ engine turns over ]
I put some extra nutrients
in your dinner.
You're gonna like it.
Let me see.
Come on.
Mmm!
Good, isn't it?
[ groans ]
All righty, baby.
Well, uh, good night.
Big day tomorrow, okay?
All right.
[ grunting ]
What?
Oh, I'm trippin'.
Sorry, buddy.
It does get cold in my garage
late at night.
All right.
Night, Harry.
Welcome to Little Germany
amusement park,
Entertainment center
for Paradise city.
Now, tomorrow the major
media event will happen...
[ thwap! ]
...here at stage,
celebrating the unveiling
of the Krotchy dolls.
The huge international star
of "The Krotchy Show"
will be there.
[ thwap! ]
And that is when we'll strike!
Oh!
- Oh! -Oh!
Oh.
Dave and I
will be in the truck,
accessing
the employee entrance.
You are a blessing upon us,
my brother.
It is as it was foretold
in the good book.
"And then there will come
one amongst them,
"an apos-tle
who carries within him
the holy torch
of righteousness."
Uh-huh.
"He will lead us out
of the clutches of consumerism."
WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
WOMAN #2:- Mm-hmm.
You wrote a fucking bible
for these people?
Group "C" rappels down
and takes the dolls
from the storeroom.
Group "E"
must control the perimeter,
as our intelligence indicates
that another organization
may be after the dolls, as well.
[ whimpering ]
[ telephone rings ]
I'll get that.
Bin Laden.
Hello? It's your dime.
[ country music playing ]
Osama, you old fucker.
It's G.W.
You know how many innocent
people we've had to torture
Trying to get a lead on you?
So?
It's not my fault.
What is it, Georgie?
I, uh -- kind of busy here.
You know how pops has those
oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?
I'm wondering if we ought
to file an insurance claim,
You know,
after the whole thing blows up.
[ explosion ]
All right, well,
drop me an e-mail,
tell me what pipe
you're talking about,
and I'll blow it
all the way to Mecca.
We'd really appreciate it.
I'll ask Laura
to type that up --
you know,
me and spelling and all.
[ chuckles ]
All right, later.
Jihad!
[ cheering ]
[ horn honks ]
VERNE: First they promise me
a private jet.
Then they send me
a freakin' bus?
Geez!
Don't they know
I'm an international superstar?
Ugh!
Jesus!
Aw, Jesus.
Paradise 8 miles?
God!
Motherfuckers.
[ radio beeps ]
[ rap music playing ]
I'm telling you, Mohammed.
I know I've seen that gas
station before. We're lost.
We are not lost.
All gas stations look alike.
What's wrong with you?
Will you just pull over
and ask for directions?
Get off my back!
You know,
I'm doing my best here, okay?
I should be driving.
What, do you think
you're gonna do everything,
be the face of the organization
and also do the driving?
What is wrong with you, man?
[ polka music playing ]
GIRL: Mommy, Krotchy!
Aww!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Hey!
[ laughs ]
I'm here at the theme park
Little Germany
with owner and controversial
director Uwe Boll.
[ cheers and applause ]
Uwe, you made your fortune
turning video games
into hit movies,
but this theme park
has always been your passion,
and today is a big day
for Little Germany.
Absolutely.
I'm totally happy
that that freighter
went down from China
with all the Krotchy dolls,
So we, as the only people
in North America
having the Krotchy dolls
exclusively here on sale.
[ cheers and applause ]
Yay!
All right,
what is all this shit, man?
[ cheers and applause ]
Ooh, Harry,
it's time to go to work.
Get your hat on.
Let me see.
Yeah!
Watch this. Watch this.
Say "will work for food"
in German.
[ groans ]
You the shit.
All right, go on, now.
All right, no $1s.
That's my motherfucker
right there.
Watch out for the flowers,
Harry.
But I want to use the situation
here, where I'm live in TV,
and I want to explain a little
about the financing of my movies
and also from Little Germany,
where the money comes from
because, you know,
there are all the rumors out
that my movies
are financed with Nazi gold.
And what should I say?
It's true.
But somebody must do something
with the money.
MAN: Ja!
I get a little horny here
onstage sometimes,
if I see a crowd
and all the children.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Master, allow me.
[ radio beeps ]
What about me?
Do your job.
Stupid.
Oh, what,
are you gonna fire me?
For saying "fuck"?
Well, fucky-fuck-fuck you, Dan.
I'm the fucking show.
You mind if I go to work now?
Thank you.
Five, four --
I got shit in my teeth?
Thank you.
Hi, we're live in Little Germany
in Paradise.
It's an amazing sight.
The crowd
is trembling with excitement.
People have been lining up
for days to be the first
to get their hands
on the coveted Krotchy dolls.
[ footsteps approaching ]
Ladies...
Today we do God's work,
so get in there
and give those boys a God job.
Yes, sir.
[ indistinct talking ]
WOMAN: Hi, boys.
Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.
Oops.
[ chuckles ]
[ giggling ]
Oh, God.
They're so creepy.
Yeah, so?
WOMAN: Come on, boys!
Can you guys
give me a hand?
Okay.
Let's go.
WOMAN #2: Come on, boys.
Whoo!
WOMAN #3: Come here.
[ woman laughs ]
[ laughing ] Huh.
[ gasps ]
Ha ha!
Whoa-ho!
Oh, yes!
Oh, you sexy little
motherfucker.
Unh! Unh!
Gayle, is that Verne's limo?
Uh, I can't see, Bob.
There seems to be a pickup truck
in the way.
A pickup truck?
Well, that's classy.
MAN: Yo, man.
[ camera shutters clicking ]
[ cheers and applause ]
I just can't possibly explain
how -- how unbelievably sorry
we are, Mr. Troyer.
I personally will take
full responsibility
for this confusion
with the pickup.
I don't want you fired.
I want
your fucking boss fired.
So, what did you do
with the guards?
They're all worn out.
Mm.
All right.
Okay, ladies.
Get to work
on lifting the crates.
This is great.
That means that...
The whole park is busy
with the pissed-off V.I.P.
Mm-hmm.
That means
my plan is genius!
Yeah.
[ woman straining ]
Come on, cowboy up.
Cowboy up!
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ speaking
native language ]
It's locked.
There must be
another way in!
[ polka music playing ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Where's my money, asswipe?
I have even better --
gold teeth.
Hello, Paradise.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ high-pitched voice ]
Help me, Krotchy.
I'm a beautiful lady.
Help me.
Well, you know
what the good and noble Krotchy
says about people in need.
KROTCHY: Only my father and
my priest can touch me there.
[ both laugh ]
Uncle Dave, look out!
What the fuck?
Get to the truck.
We'll meet you out front.
Come on!
Anne Frank, you better have
some chaos out there.
We're coming your way!
This is Anne Frank.
Abort mission!
You come down here,
you'll be arrested in a second!
You are the envy
of the entire country.
Anne Frank,
we need a distraction.
We need a distraction now!
You are the first city
to receive
the officially licensed...
Krotchy doll.
[ cheers and applause ]
Oh, powerful lord,
hear my plea.
Boll, I'm Vince Desi.
What the fuck did you do
to my game "Postal"?
I don't know
what your fucking problem is.
The movie is great.
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Officers, you realize
there's a huge fight going on
onstage right now?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[ choking ]
Unh!
POSTAL DUDE: Anne Frank,
we're coming your way now!
[ radio beeps ]
Party's over.
Freaking Nazi
motherfucker!
Get your hands
off me!
For video games!
No!
He shot Harry!
[ all screaming ]
Son of a bitch!
[ gunfire ]
Aah!
Be careful.
Harry! I'm gonna come
and help you, baby!
[ gunshot ]
[ gunshots ]
Aah!
Whoa!
Ooh!
I hate video games.
[ screaming ]
Aah!
Aah!
Let's get the hell
out of here!
Aah!
[ polka music plays ]
Get out of the way!
Ohh!
Oh! My shit!
I'm so sorry!
What are you doing with my shit?
- I'm a huge fan.
Let me give you a hand with that.
- Leave it alone.
I had no idea you be c--
A dildo on a stick? That's crazy!
- That's mine.
[ laughs ]
Let me see if I can help
you get everything in!
What are you doing?
Jesus!
What the fuck?!
God damn!
What --
God --
I'm in my fucking suitcase.
[ gunshots ]
Richard, what the fuck?
It's a present.
Hey! Assholes!
Uh...
Coffee shop.
Lattes, no foam.
Yeah.
Uh, I got to go.
[ tires screech ]
[ screaming ]
Why did you bring him?
Mind your own business
and get us out of here!
Shut up, you big crybaby.
GREG:
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hey!
Move, move, move, move, move.
Go, go, go.
[ tires screech ]
Let's go, baby.
[ siren wailing ]
Where is...the damn key?
You don't have the keys?
I thought you had the keys.
It's like
when you were a kid.
Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.
- Oh.
Mohammed.
[ siren wailing ]
You're under arrest!
You killed Harry!
Start shooting, John.
Do something. Shit!
[ gunshots ]
Harry wasn't hurting nobody.
What the fuck am I gonna do
with all those damn diapers
I bought him?
[ gunshots ]
RICHARD: Good God!
You're stepping
on my thing! Oh!
Allah be praised.
Now you will give your lives
to avenge this outrage.
Or we could just kill
the other guys.
Yeah!
[ cheering ]
[ machine-gun fire ]
[ siren wailing,
tire screeching ]
Jesus Christ,
can you control this thing?
Yes!
WOMAN:
Watch where you're going!
WOMAN #2: Oh, god.
[ gags ]
[ siren wailing in distance ]
[ chuckles ]
It's the moo cow
from the welfare office.
"sorry, we're closed."
Bitch!
What was that?
[ sighs ]
Oh.
I thought we had a flat,
but we just ran over some girl.
Whew! Thank god.
Got a body on maple.
WOMAN: Tag 22,
please repeat your location.
Maple, like the syrup.
Oh, this is
fucking fantastic.
Oh, my God,
these kids are heavy!
Okay.
All right.
Gary -- wait.
Just wait.
Wait.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Roll it, Gary.
Make me a star.
MAN:
[ crying ] Oh, my god.
This is Gayle Ravenson
reporting live
from Little Germany theme park,
on what will forevermore
be known as the place
where the laughter died.
Celebrity icon Verne Troyer
is currently missing
or presumed dead.
The coward responsible
for this massacre
has been described as
a rodent-like man with red hair
and wearing
a "peace" T-shirt.
Back to you, Bob.
Oh, that's right.
You're dead.
These kids
are starting to smell.
I can't believe
I took this fucking job.
Fucking bullshit.
God damn it.
This helps.
Definitely helps.
We need to get him
inside immediately,
along with the merchandise!
- Yes.
Jesus titty-fuck,
they're already here.
WOMAN:
Now what do we do?
That was the safest place
in all of Paradise.
You guys don't have
like a bomb shelter
or a basement or something,
you know,
that the Taliban couldn't
have found themselves, right?
No, we don't.
We do.
- What?
We do.
There's
a massive underground shelter
beneath the main compound.
It's perfect.
TROYER: You know
what would be perfect?
My foot up your ass.
Who the fuck
are you people?
What the fuck
did you bring him for?
You'll see, Uncle Dave.
Do you think we can sneak him
past the Taliban
without them finding out?
And where the fuck are
you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?
In plain sight.
Somebody grab
the little guy.
Come on, little guy.
What the fuck's going on?
WOMAN: Come on.
WOMAN #2: Okay.
Shut up.
WOMAN #3: Come on.
Citizens of this great nation --
town...
be on the lookout for this
psychopathic, deranged killer,
also known as...
Postal Dude.
...Postal Dude.
That's the best
we could come up -- Postal Dude.
He's wanted in conjunction
with the kidnapping,
the shooting
at the welfare office...
the assassination
of candidate Wells...
and killing a Chinese woman.
He killed
a poor, innocent Chinese lady.
So, if you see him...
You ever just have
one of those days?
Mm, no.
Hey! Hey!
The Postal Dude!
MAN: Get him!
Hey, come on!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Uh, I don't think that's him.
See how his hair flows,
though?
This guy
looks more like Jesus.
[ whistling ]
[ gasps ]
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Let's go!
Thank you!
Get him!
Come on!
Hey, which way did he go?
This way!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Why did you help him?
Want to clean
the windows again?
Yeah, fuck.
[ gun cocks ]
[ bell dings ]
Hold it!
[ gasps ]
Up against the wall now!
Ow!
Huh?
Look like I bagged me
the Postal Dude.
Ugh!
[ groans ]
God damn!
You son of a bitch!
I think
you busted my nose!
Ohh, fuck!
You fucking asshole!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Ugh!
Sorry.
I think he went
that way!
[ breathing heavily ]
No wonder cops are crabby.
This weighs a fucking ton.
Handcuffs -- those are cool.
What is that?
Is that like a flashlight?
[ chuckles ]
Pepper spray.
Pepper spray is neat.
PAUL: Officer!
Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood
watchdog group, Chapter 232.
Good job, citizen.
Did you see the Postal Dude?
Yes, uh, yes.
He went down
thataway.
Right.
Citizens united,
let's get this fucker!
Get him!
Hey, hey.
Nice outfit.
Like you couldn't be
more of an ass already.
You look like a penguin.
So, I dropped the junk off.
Yeah.
Now, where is
that underground shelter place?
Shh.
Go through the bedroom.
Yeah, the -- okay.
Zzzhhh!
All right, all right,
I'm going in.
All right.
All right, I'm going in.
Stay.
Have you heard
from Osama?
MAN: No.
Heard from the truck?
No.
Have you seen the dog?
- No!
Do you know anything?
- I don't know.
You are stupid!
Mohammed, I'm sorry.
Stupid...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
WOMAN:...Why the World Trade
Center victims deserved to die,
after the break.
Discouraged
by the inability to stem the...
[ meows ]
...prevents the continent
from having any further contact
with the rest of the planet.
According to leading experts,
video games are the number-one
cause of violence --
POSTAL DUDE: Psst!
Puss, puss, puss.
Here, you stupid cat.
[ cat meows ]
[ purring ]
[ cat meows ]
Meow!
Hmm?
[ meows ]
Aah!
[ cat yowls ]
Good kitty.
Psst, psst.
Come on. Come on.
Gah.
Stay low.
I already am.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Let's go. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Get him.
Get him. Get him.
Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Line up, my sexies.
That includes you, too,
Mr. Troyer.
Jenny, would you mind
opening it?
My pleasure.
Jenny, you, too, huh?
Am I the only fucking person
who didn't know there was a bomb
shelter underneath my bedroom?
It's not a bomb shelter,
Uncle Dave.
[ door creaking ]
TROYER: I can't believe
this fucking shit.
It's a god shelter.
Richie,
what the fuck is this?
This is amazing.
This is a shithole.
What is
all this for?
Dave's bible,
Chapter 11, Psalm 23 --
"and in the end,
the fire and the plagues
"will come
at the behest of the Lord,
"and the sores and the boils,
"and the intestinal ulcers
and testicular tumors
shall befall
all of humanity"...
except for those who hide
like rabbits below the ground.
Hey, this is pretty sweet.
You ever, uh, fire --
Don't touch anything!
Aah!
We will need every bullet
for the end of all things.
[ sighs ]
That's great, Richie.
But right now we've got
a problem, all right?
My house is full of a bunch
of fucking religious fanatics
who think they're gonna be the
chosen people at the end of the world.
As opposed to --
shut the fuck up.
Why don't you
shut the fuck up?
You don't think I'll come over there?
I'll come over there.
I'll stick this finger
up your ass.
Yeah, you
and what fucking ladder?
I'll get you.
- I'll fucking --
Take this.
God damn.
Richie, the point is...
We don't need to be worried
about the end right now, okay?
We just need
to take those guns,
go upstairs,
kill some motherfuckers,
get my merchandise back,
sell it so we can pay off
the IRS, all right?
Not gonna sell the merchandise,
Uncle Dave.
What?!
I am sorry to inform you,
but that was never part
of the plan.
[ chuckles ]
So, what is the plan?
To end the world,
of course.
You guys have issues, man.
Did you know about this?
No, I didn't fucking know about this.
- But he works for you.
Apparently not.
Dah!
I can hear you.
[ sighs ]
Richie...
Richie...
[ cries ]
Now it is time
for the rest of you
to know the full extent
of our plan.
This is why we need
the Krotchy dolls.
KROTCHY: What happens up my ass
stays up my ass.
The Avian Bird Flu --
the plague for which
the western devil has no cure.
If these dolls
are to be distributed
throughout the United States,
there will be
death and destruction
beyond all comprehension!
Yeah!
That is
what I'm talkin' about.
[ whimpering ]
So, to make a long story short,
the Taliban wanted
to get ahold of the flu,
and ma-na na-na na-na na-na na,
and they were gonna spread it.
Whatever.
I mean, we stopped them, right?
We're good.
Exactly!
We stopped them...
so that we could do it
our own way.
What?
See, they only wanted to spread
it in the United States,
but in order to fulfill
the prophecy in Dave's bible,
We must wipe out
the entire planet.
He's fucking nuts.
Which brings us to you,
Mr. Verne Troyer!
If he wrote anything about me
in that bible,
we're gonna have
some serious problems.
"and you shall know when the
final day of reckoning begins
"because on that day,
"a tiny entertainer
will be raped
by 1,000 monkeys!"
That's it.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
I'm sorry, little --
Ohh!
Ohh!
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Stop him!
We must do as god commands!
God damn it.
Bring on the monkeys!
Oh, not the monkeys.
[ chattering ]
Where'd you get
so many monkeys?
I don't fucking know.
I got nothing to do
with this shit.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Ohh!
[ speaks indistinctly ]
Don't fuck the pants up, please.
[ fabric tears ]
All in all, this has really
not been a very pleasant day.
Yeah.
- But...
Unfortunately, the desperate
nature of our situation
suggests that we may
need another of us
to embrace martyrdom as we bring
our fight to the Infidels.
Now...
How about Abdul?
KROTCHY: Hey, let's go do some drugs.
[ whimpering ]
Oh, that is a great idea,
a great idea -- genius!
Of course,
one must agree willingly.
Now, Abdul...
If you don't want to be blown
into a tiny million pieces,
raise your hand, hop on
one foot, and sing "Free Bird."
[ whimpers ]
Abdul it is.
Now, if we just had Osama.
Does anybody know
where the fuck he is?!
So, you can see that just
by changing the words you use,
you can motivate your employees
in all new ways.
If you master my 117 steps
to dominating your employees,
I personally guarantee
you will have a team
of little killer bees ready
to live or die at your command.
You can make them work
for 72 hours straight at a time,
especially if you put
crystal meth in the water.
Now, some of you may be asking,
"isn't crystal meth illegal?"
Technically, yes,
but the U.S. Air force uses it
to fuel their pilots
when they're on night missions
over Afghanistan.
So it can't be that illegal
if the U.S. Air force uses it.
So...what now?
So, you're
just gonna shoot us?
Yeah, you know,
I'm really sorry, man.
I mean, obviously, this is
some sort of misunderstanding,
But you can see
where I kind of have to go
with it at this point. Hmm?
I mean, you're my nephew,
but these are my people.
Got to lead them
to the Promised Land.
You're a douche.
Not.
- Yeah.
Actually, the bible
doesn't say to kill you.
What the fuck, Richie?
Come on, what?
I'm -- I'm god on earth,
remember?
Read your fucking bible.
When you read
between the lines,
it's remarkable
how the meanings change.
Now, the way I read it
was god chose you as a pawn
to get this movement going.
But now it's time for someone
else to take charge...
someone...
[ breathing heavily ]
...who truly believes.
No, Richie.
Oh!
WOMAN: Ugh!
WOMAN #2: Ew!
[ panting ]
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
[ laughs ]
Fuck!
Fuck me!
I'm fucking gay!
Who the fuck knew?
I had no clue, man,
but this explains a lot.
Oh, I can finally learn
to love myself for who I am.
I'm a fucking chubby chaser,
too!
Fuck it, man!
This is great.
Aww!
You know what?
Today is the start
of my whole new life.
[ laughs evilly ]
Right.
Aah!
[ Dave breathing heavily ]
[ groans ]
Mitzi.
Okay, so I'm bi.
Yuck!
You.
[ gun cocks ]
You we are grateful to,
so we will let you live...
Until the bird flu gets you.
Or we can put you out of your
misery right now -- either way!
Actually...
[ clears throat ]
Actually...
Uh, no.
Um, you have
to leave me alive...
Richie...
if you want to have
your little...Apocalypse.
And why is that?
Uh, because I am the only guy
who knows where the truck
filled with bird flu is parked.
[ grunting ]
[ screaming ]
[ laughs ]
Yeah! That's clever!
That is clever!
But it's
not insurmountable.
You didn't go far.
We'll just find it ourselves,
and then we'll kill you!
Or not, remember?
The bible said that
you didn't have to kill me,
And you said
you weren't going to,
And you killed Dave.
Yeah, but as soon
as I said that, I just --
it just was a lousy idea,
so ha-ha.
We'll be right back.
Get in there!
[ electricity zapping ]
Aah. Aah.
[ grunts ]
[ exhales deeply ]
[ coughing ]
[ coughs ]
What are you still doing here?
We're supposed to wait
for Richard
to get back
with the truck.
WOMAN: And then we eat
the poison brownies
and ascend into god's love.
Starr couldn't wait.
She was on a cleanse.
POSTAL DUDE: Yeah, that all
sounds like a real good plan.
Me --
I'm gonna go upstairs...
kill me some terrorists...
probably die
in a hail of bullets.
If by some miracle
I make it out alive,
I'm gonna find that fat fuck
of yours, Richard,
and stick this machine gun
up his self-righteous ass.
Yeah.
Decisions, decisions.
[ whimpering ]
Uh-oh.
[ screaming ]
Aah!
Mine.
Mine.
What?
- Yours.
Aww!
Oh, you are good.
Well, you are better.
- I know.
Come on.
Aah!
Let's go.
You cunning little bitch.
You're not retarded,
are you?
You've just been faking it.
Mine.
[ gunshot ]
MAN: Aah!
They'll meet us later.
[ engine turns over ]
All right, ladies.
This is
where we split up.
Aw.
Go home
to your families.
Think for yourselves,
And no more crazy cults
that look forward
to the end of the world.
Don't worry.
We've decided to be Christians
from now on.
Well...
[ horn honking ]
[ moaning ]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Why?
Because you're married?
No, I just want
to give Karen a turn.
Oh!
Hey.
- Hi!
Oh, my God.
Paradise, here I come.
Speaking of wild shit,
have you seen
that guy's wife?
Yeah, she's hard to miss.
Yeah.
She's a good fuck, though.
You fucked her?
Several times.
She's got a clapper
in her trailer.
The lights go on and off
and on and off.
[ laughs ]
Makes you feel
like a rock star!
Let's go to the trailer.
Aw, right.
Hey,
it's the Postal Dude!
Get him!
[ gunshots ]
Go! Go! Go!
[ all shouting ]
Come on!
Go! Go!
[ breathing heavily ]
Unh!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Come on.
- Shoot him!
Eat this!
[ machine-gun fire ]
I'm sorry!
Bye, cowards!
Aah!
[ sighs ]
You are so hot.
And you turned
into a crazy psychopath.
There were
some pretty good reasons.
That's what they all say.
I have to destroy a postal truck
filled with lethal microbes
before a doomsday cult
or a terrorist group
Gets their hands on it
and destroys the entire world.
Yeah, like I believe that.
Jihad!
[ shouts indistinctly ]
Huh?
- Jihad!
Okay.
Uh, where's that truck?
[ laughs sarcastically ]
Great.
Okay.
[ machine beeps ]
Oh.
I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.
It looks like your credit
card's been declined.
What?
It looks like every
free government on the planet
has frozen your assets.
Would you take a check?
[ clears throat ]
Cash, American.
I'm a little short.
Sammy, we need you
right away.
Do you have any cash?
No.
[ chuckles ]
Run!
Freakin' Arabs.
Go back to Mecca and run around
your big black box!
[ Rossini's "Largo Al Factotum"
plays ]
Oh, god.
- You okay?
Yeah, you ever get
like a hangnail?
Yeah, it's brutal.
- Aah!
[ gasps ]
What the hell was that?
Fuck her, Greg.
Yeah, come on.
Fuck her, Greg.
[ grunting ]
How's that, huh?
A little to the left,
motherfucker.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Oh! Okay!
You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
[ metal creaking ]
oh!
Yes!
Give it to me.
Whoo-hoo!
Who is that?
Ugh.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife.
Oh.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
You like that?
- Yes!
Great job!
A little faster.
That ought to do it.
[ beeping ]
All right.
Here, champ!
Come on, buddy.
Champ?
[ whistles ]
Come on!
Ah, poop.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
[ moaning ]
Too late.
Whoo-hoo!
[ gunshots ]
What the fuck was that?
WOMAN: Fucking guy!
We're gonna fucking mess you up!
Back! Back!
Fucking die!
MAN:
Shoot that motherfucker down!
I love you, Greggie.
I love you, too.
[ grunts ]
Go back!
Go back!
Let's do it!
All right!
Hey!
God damn it!
Get the hell off my property!
Motherfucking piece of shit!
Hand over the Avian Flu,
Infidel!
Hello?
That's their truck, right?
[ laughs evilly ]
Oh, there he is...
the guy
who killed Uncle Dave.
We must
rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!
Okay.
Fuck this.
Uh-huh.
Bomb!
Bomb!
Bomb!
B-b-b-b-bomb!
Bomb!
MAN: Hold up!
Fuck!
"big bomb that could take out
a whole city block" bomb.
Do I have your attention?
[ exhales deeply ]
Get down here!
What is wrong with you people?
You're so busy trying to blow up
the world in the name of God.
News flash, fucktards --
God doesn't need your help.
He's God!
And he, she, it --
they gave you life.
And you're wasting it.
Look around you.
Look.
Look, God damn it!
See?
We're not that different
'cause we all come
from the same family...
known as humanity.
Now, what do families do?
Do they fight?
Yeah, sure.
But they work it out
'cause they love each other,
and they know that
they're stuck with each other,
just like all of us are,
here on the crazy big mud ball
called Earth.
[ nose blowing ]
So, come on, people.
Let's try and find
some common ground, huh?
Uh, well,
we all hate Jews!
[ indistinct talking ]
MAN: Yeah.
Yeah, well,
everybody knows that, yeah.
No, no, no, no,
not a hate thing.
Ah, sh--
[ sighs ]
A happy thing.
MAN: I don't get it.
I think it's time
to empty our hands of guns
so we can fill our hands
with hugs.
[ crying ]
[ grunting ]
If you want to waste this
precious gift we call life,
I can't stop you.
So, go ahead.
Shoot.
Or...
...hug.
[ sighs ]
Shoot him.
[ rapid gunfire ]
Oh, you motherfuckers!
God damn!
[ gunshot ]
Aah!
[ gunfire continues ]
I'm starting to get pissed.
Greggie, I'm still wet,
though!
Just plug that little thing in.
I'll be there in one second.
Ugh!
[ crying ]
You've got
to be fucking kidding me.
Aah!
Aah!
You like that?
Aah!
Hey, Mo,
save some virgins for me.
Aah!
WOMAN: Please insert
an additional 25 cents
to complete
your long-distance call.
[ cellphone plays "Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star" ]
Hello,
this is George W. Bush.
It's Osama.
I need some help, man!
Hi, there, Osama.
How are you?
You got to speak up,
George.
I can't hear you over the gunfire.
- Hmm?
Gunfire. I'm trapped in
a trailer park in Paradise city.
I'm here for you, buddy.
We got you on satellite.
Should I send a couple
cruise missiles down there?
Uh-oh.
[ gunshot ]
No, I --
Please insert
an additional 25 cents
to continue
your long-distance call.
I was thinking maybe
a helicopter to come pick me up.
Hey, that -- that could work.
Uh, there's a field
just south of you.
I'll pick you up there.
Aw, thanks, Georgie.
I, um...
Yes?
I just wish
I knew how to quit you.
Shit.
[ snap ]
Oh!
No hand-to-hand combat,
no hand-to-hand combat.
No, no, no, no.
FRANK: Hello.
Internal Revenue Service,
Frank Dumont.
We're here to conduct an audit
on a Mr. David Clark.
You are
American government?
Yes, sir.
Is Mr. Clark at home?
Hold on one moment,
government man.
I have someone
to speak to you.
[ groaning ]
Unauthorized fruit sales.
I should have brought that dip.
[ whimpering ]
Jihad!
Jihad!
Ji-- oh, yeah.
Jihad, yeah.
Abdul!
Abdul, where is your belt?
You're not wearing
your explosive belt.
[ whimpering ]
[ mumbling ]
We're taking
the cop car.
[ beeping ]
Abdul.
Lorraine, Lorraine...
Stop licking
your own asshole, okay?
You're my publisher.
You tell them
that this is a prime example
of why everybody
should buy my book,
"how to fire an employee
without making him go postal" --
Because I'm a --
Aah!
[ blowing ]
Aah!
[ laughs evilly ]
You ruined everything!
[ gasps ]
Oh.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Don't be a dick...
No!
...dick.
[ birds chirping ]
MAN: At an Alabama high school today...
[ sniffs ]
Did you -- champ!
Hey, buddy.
Hey! Hey!
I thought
I smelled poo-poo breath.
...garbage duty
for a week as punishment.
Nice to see you, pal.
We're interrupting
our regular broadcast
to take you live
for this emergency announcement
from the President.
PRESIDENT BUSH:
This is the President
of the United States of America.
[ the "Star-Spangled Banner"
plays ]
C.I.A. Intelligence
has confirmed
that the governments
of China and India
were directly responsible
for the terrorist cell
recently uncovered in Paradise.
Worse still, they continue to
make T-shirts for well under $1.
In response, we've been forced
to destroy both countries
with "nucular" force.
China, despite
all our freedom-loving efforts,
was able to send
They should hit
in a little under two minutes.
I wish you all the best of luck
with your future endeavors,
and God Bless America.
[ sighs ]
[ music stops ]
Well?
I regret nothing.
You know what?
Forget the stuff.
Oh!
- What are you doing?
Don't you want me
to get out of here? Come on!
Come on!
Come on.
Go out!
[ beeping ]
[ transmitter beeps ]
[ car alarms blaring ]
Ugh.
They got a hu--
[ gasps ]
Oh, god!
[ Mark Polak's "The Magic Sound"
plays ]
[ engine turns over ]
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# hand in hand, we'll stroll the
land in the peace and harmony #
# we'll be friends
till the end #
# buddies, you and me #
Georgie, I think
this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship
# flowers all around #
# from the birth
of mother earth #
# we hear the magic sound,
singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# devils cast into the sea #
# brothers without love #
# ripple to a tidal wave #
# swelling to a flood #
# brave the storm,
you lonesome ships #
# courage, it's not far #
# sail away #
# we'll find a day in the land
of la-la-la, singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# tree of life bearing fruit #
# nourishing us all #
# as the sun will become
the father standing tall #
# let us take our appleseed
and plant it in the ground #
# soon we'll seen an apple tree
and hear the magic sound #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
[ "theme from 'Postal'" plays ]
MAN: Attention, residents
of the planet earth.
Don't miss the sale
of the century.
With the purchase of one clone,
get a second clone...
for
free.
There's no business
like clone business.
Stand by.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
That's affirmative.
Congratulations, Nabi.
We are at the doorstep
of our martyrdom.
Praise Allah.
Praise him!
Soon we will be greeted
by Allah, the one true god,
and by the cheers
of our forefathers
and by 99 perfect virgins
who will worship us
for all eternity!
I thought it was 100.
What's that?
they promised me 100.
what's the difference?
If they're telling you one thing
and they're telling me another,
maybe they don't know
for sure.
Maybe.
Maybe the exact number
of virgins is not precise.
I mean, if it's in the 90s,
I can live with that.
Or 75.
Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?
Well...
What if it's 10, but we have
to split them between us?
Then you'll have
five more virgins
than you have right now,
right?
We're talking
about eternity here!
How long will five virgins
last you -- maybe a month?
They're not going to be virgins
for long, right?
Look, would it make
you feel better
if we called the big guy?
Yes.
Take the stick.
- Okay.
It's ringing.
Osama, yes, it's Asif.
No, we're on it.
It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?
What are you going to do?
Anyway, look,
Nabi has a question.
Will you talk to him?
No!
[ mutters indistinctly ]
You do it!
Hello!
Yes.
Uh, it's about the virgins.
Really?
It was 100 when I signed up.
[ sighs ]
He said
it's not that many anymore.
Too many martyrs
in the first go-around.
You've got to be kidding me.
Does he know where we are here?
Give me the phone.
Take the stick.
Osama, it's Asif.
Right now, can you tell me
the number, absolutely,
that you can guarantee
Nabi and myself,
as far
as virgins are concerned?
[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]
No, that's fine.
MAN: Do it!
Come on, man!
He can't guarantee
more than 20.
MAN #2: Open the goddamn door,
you bastards!
MAN #3: We're gonna fucking
kill you, you motherfucker!
MAN #4:
Lying pieces of shit!
MAN #5: Open the door!
MAN #6:- Open this fucker!
Screw this, right?
I'm glad you said it first.
Okay, get on the intercom
to the passengers.
We are changing course
for the Bahamas.
Bahamas!
Aah!
[ indistinct shouting ]
We're going to the Bahamas!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Aah!
[ whistling ]
[ gunshots ]
MAN:...Has again expanded
the definition of marriage,
this time to include any union
between a man and a woman,
a man and a man,
a woman and a woman,
a man and a collie,
or a woman, a polish sausage,
and a long weekend.
The standoff with Mr. Cruise
Has now stretched
into its eighth day.
Cruise continues to insist
that police are violating
his parental
and religious freedoms,
citing human sacrifice
as essential...
Today on
"Good Morning Paradise,"
mayoral candidate Eugene Wells
joins us to talk about
the new political landscape,
and the newest toy craze
of the year --
Krotchy dolls.
Stay tuned. It's gonna be
a super-dupe show.
Turn down that fucking TV!
I can't hear my show.
[ indistinct shouting on TV ]
Yeah,
nothing's good on anyway.
Just, uh, preparing
for my interview.
Fight!
Aw, you fight like a pussy.
No one's gonna hire
your sorry ass.
Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?
[ gagging ]
God damn it!
What the hell
is going on out there?!
Ugh.
Nothing.
Make sure you pick up
that welfare check!
Kiss, kiss,
sweetie pie...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ squishing ]
Come on!
Come on!
No.
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
I told you --
no poopies in our yard.
No poopies in this yard.
You only poop in
the next-door neighbor's yard.
[ gunshots pinging ]
Feces in the yard.
[ sighs ]
That's a violation
of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.
Stop eating the poop.
I'll add that to the list.
Th-the list?
The list. Great. The list.
W-what else?
What else
you got on the list?
Ordinance number 143-11.
Yesterday around lunchtime.
Now, I don't care what you two
do in your own bedroom,
but ordinance number 143-11
says if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,
I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,
which is
exactly what I'm gonna do!
Oh. Oh.
- Oh, okay.
Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.
Oh, for your information,
hillbilly,
I wasn't even here
yesterday afternoon.
[ laughs ]
[ sighs ]
I hate this town.
Matt!
- Whatever!
This fucking sucks.
And NASA,
The National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,
does not exist.
All the space missions
that we've heard about
since we were little kids
in school --
creations of Hollywood.
We did not land on the moon.
There is no John Glenn.
Well, there's a John Glenn
who's a Senator...
Hey, hello?
You, professor.
What is this,
a reading library?
Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes, buddy.
Ah, no "two minutes" now.
You buy now, or bye-bye.
Bye-dee now now.
Ah, go on, bye-bye.
Go on.
Bye-bye.
You bye-bye.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Hey.
Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.
Daddy, Mohammed says he needs
to talk to you again.
What about?
What else?
Okay, so, what did she say
about me exactly?
That slut.
# killer, yeah,
and rhyme till I die #
# with an AK-47
from side to side #
# jihad killers #
# man, it's hot in here #
# you just to stake that
out of this atmosphere #
# jihad killers #
My brother.
Any police come around today?
Anything suspicious?
No, nothing, Mohammed.
Trust me...
you are safely hidden here
for as long as you want.
Well, that may not
be for much longer.
Oh?
We have news
from Afghanistan.
News? Oh.
It is all coming together.
The shipment
left three days ago.
Oh.
Praise Allah.
When, uh, will be it here?
Tomorrow!
The time has come for us
to place our swords
to the genitals
of the infidels.
[ exhales deeply ]
Whoo-hoo!
[ chuckles nervously ]
[ groans lightly ]
[ keys clacking ]
Gah.
I see
you noticed the heads --
motivational.
Those are
every fucking bastard
that I had to climb over
to get this job.
Jesus.
[ laughs ]
Foul.
They're paper-mache.
They're --
he thought they were real.
[ chuckles ]
Sit down.
Let's get started.
So, I hope you don't mi--
I hope you don't mind
the recording.
Uh, we're gonna use it
as training later.
Ready?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's good.
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
It's, uh --
the chair is actually --
All right,
we're on a time clock,
So let's get started,
shall we?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Well...
Um, so, I'm here
for the job, sir.
Right.
You're a factory worker.
I was.
I was a factory worker, but
the factory got closed down,
so I got laid off, and --
I've interviewed 15 other people
for this job.
What makes you think
you're better than them?
Well, I don't know
if I am better than them.
Well, god damn it, pal.
If you want this job, you better
reach out and grab it.
You better put
those fucking heads on the wall.
You know what? Fuck it.
Let's go to the questions.
What is
your greatest strength?
Um...
I'm a really good team player.
Wrong.
[ keys clacking ]
What is
your biggest weakness?
Um, I'd say I work too hard.
Wrong.
How would you move a
mountain using only a spoon?
A spoon?
If you were in a box,
how would you think outside it?
Uh, it's --
well, if you're in a --
Wrong.
Last question --
What is
the difference between a duck?
And?
What the hell
is wrong with you people?!
A d-- a wh-- duck?
I don't --
I came here for a job, a job!
As far as I know, that job
has nothing to do with a
cocksucking, motherfucking duck!
[ keys clacking ]
Congratulations, pal.
You're
our leading candidate.
How does it feel?
[ keys clacking ]
It feels good.
No, no, no, no, no.
How's it feel?
How does it feel?
I mean, how does it feel
to put fucking 15 heads
on that wall?
I'll tell you how it feels.
It feels fucking great,
doesn't it?
Fucking great, like, unh,
unh, unh, unh, unh, unh...
So, I got it?
I got the job?
Oh, hell, no.
No, no, no.
This was just a like
a getting-to-know-you interview.
Oh, yeah, no, no, we have --
we have a couple of more -- 120.
Yeah, we have some, uh, more --
more candidates to talk to.
But hell of a start, though.
- Absolutely.
Last thing before you go --
I'd like you to sing
the company fight song.
[ up-tempo guitar music plays ]
# it's not a flag,
it's a company #
# a high-flying company #
# and it will cheerfully
work you to death #
# by the time you are old,
the pension is sold #
# and your cube
will be your casket #
# it's a company,
a high-flying company #
# now please get back to work #
[ music stops ]
We'll get back to you.
[ keys clacking ]
I hate this town.
[ Mark Polak's "Peace, Love,
and Harmony" plays ]
# change has begun #
# ah, ah #
# spread the word today #
# ah, ah, ah, ah #
# follow the flower children #
# let them lead the way #
Brothers and sisters...
I am proud
to introduce to you the one.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hold up your energies
for Uncle Dave!
[ cheers and applause ]
Good group, good group.
[ inhales deeply ]
Welcome to the Denomination
of Organic Monotheism.
I congratulate you all on taking
the first step to freedom
by completing
your training program.
Obviously, you've come
to the correct conclusion
that the American dream
is not a dream for you.
WOMAN: That's right!
In fact...
it is a nightmare...
[ cheers and applause ]
yeah!
...a nightmare that soon
will be engulfed
in the all-encompassing flames
of God's damnation!
Yeah!
Pious people in the house,
say, "oh!"
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
Who loves God?
We do!
- We do! - We do!
[ knock on door ]
RICHARD: David?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Initiation.
I love this part.
No, no, Richie, no, no,
this is...
this is just -- this
is just inner-sanctum stuff,
strictly ritualistic.
Uh, Uncle Dave, uh,
sorry to bother you,
but we've got some rather
important business.
[ grunts ]
The girls --
they need to go.
Oh!
Mm. Okay.
Children, it appears
that Brother Richard here
has to, uh, commingle
our -- our energies.
Sweetie -- sweetie --
Let's go.
Come on, ladies, move.
[ pop! ]
DAVE: There we go.
WOMAN: But I want more communion.
- Wa-kah!
Oh, we'll do communion,
I promise.
It's my favorite meal
of the day.
Don't worry about it.
RICHARD:- That's nice.
Now go.
- Oh, hello.
God bless it.
Ah, Richie, what the fuck is it?
What's the problem?
We're having something
[gasps]
of a cash-flow problem.
What the fuck
you talking about, Richie?
Did you see all those recruits
out there today?
It's true.
Membership and donations
are at an all-time high,
and we got more tail running
around here than the --
than the Playboy Mansion,
but it's --
[ farts ]
[ water splashing ]
Yeah? So?
Then what's the problem, Rich?
[ breathing heavily ]
Well...
[ farts ]
...it's the IRS.
Yeah?
Well, what do they want?
Uh, it seems we haven't paid
our taxes in three years.
So what, man?
I tried to explain,
of course,
that with our continued expectation
of the end of the world,
it's difficult
to justify contributing
to long-term programs like
Medicare or Social Security,
but, um...
[ farts ]
[ water splashing ]
...apparently even
a selective tax payment
is not an option.
Oh, come on, Richie, you know
I don't like to micromanage.
What the fuck do we do
about this, all right?
Well...
- Huh?
[ exhales heavily ]
What's your plan?
[ gagging ]
We pay them or, uh --
Ohh!
[ toilet flushing ]
We pay them,
or everything is all over --
the weenie whacking,
the pantless parties,
the tacos, everything.
And you...
you go to jail.
So, how much do we owe?
Mm...
[ inhales, exhales deeply ]
$1.3 million and 79 cents.
Oh, fuck, Rich.
Oh, d-d-don't despair,
Uncle Dave.
When the government
slams the doors shut,
G-O-D always opens
a window.
Oh.
That's a beautifully
retarded sentiment, Richie.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to be alone.
Well, if you need me,
I'm in the other room.
It seems
pretty unlikely, Rich.
Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy
dolls can't meet the demand,
And parents and
children alike have been
lining up for weeks to
get their hands on them.
We'll be back in two minutes.
See you then.
# I prey on the innocent #
# living on the grind #
# tryin' to get a dollar
out of 15 cents #
Hey, yo, hi.
Come here.
Help me out with a few bucks.
Yeah, I -- I don't have
any money.
Come on.
Come on, I'm serious.
Come over here.
I need a few bucks to get a bus
to go see my kids.
I -- yo, I don't have --
sorry, I don't have any money.
- Hey, come here.
Come here.
I want to talk -- come here.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm sick and tired
of people like you, you know?
You got a good job.
You got a big car.
You got everything,
and I got nothing.
Well, fuck you,
And fuck everybody
who even looks like you!
Get the fuck out of here!
# brace yourself #
I'll fucking knock you out, pal.
# just to see how it feels #
GREG: It's green.
[ siren wails ]
Look, you can make the light!
Hey!
[ horn honking ]
Oh.
You can make the light!
Come on, bitch!
God damn.
She could have made
the fucking light.
She forget her glass.
You say "glass"?
- Yes.
You say "glass," you
frankfurt-eating motherfucker?
I bought all these goddamn English CDs
For you
to say fucking "glass"?
It's "glasses."
You fucking foreigners
come over here,
and you fuck up
the language,
and this bitch
is fucking up the traffic!
Come down, Greg.
You fucking calm down!
This flat-ass bitch
comes over here,
she takes over
the convenience stores,
and they eat up
all our goddamn dogs!
Go and help her.
Come on.
WOMAN:
What's the holdup?!
You're right.
I'm trippin'.
I'll just get out of the car
and make sure she's doing okay.
She's an old lady.
[ sighs ]
I feel bad now.
[ woman shouts indistinctly ]
Hi.
The light is green.
[ speaking native language ]
The light is green.
You could have
went through the light.
The light turned gr--
what did you say?
[ speaking native language ]
What'd you say, bitch?
Aah!
Why don't you stir-fry that?
[ man laughing ]
WOMAN: Holy fuck!
MAN: Damn!
Yeah, that'll get her moving!
Man.
What happened over there?
Bitch called me nigger.
[ indistinct conversations ]
Ooh.
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
Yeah.
[ chuckles ]
One date with me,
she'll look like she's been hit
with a mayonnaise truck.
[ both laugh ]
That's right, Mr. Stickum.
[ both laugh ]
Yeah, I hope she comes back.
You got to hold it.
[ whimpers ]
Thank you.
Okay.
All set?
- Yes.
What do you got?
- I will have a medium...
[ inhales sharply ]
[ squeaking ]
No, you know what?
I'm gonna have a large.
I'll have a large mocha.
Okay.
No.
No, you know what?
Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.
Okay.
W-w-what do you think
goes better with bagels?
Unh!
You had 10 minutes
to make up your fucking mind!
What is it with you people?
Can somebody please tell me?
I mean, we sell coffee.
That's it, nothing else.
You're not buying a car,
I mean, right?
Make a fucking decision, huh?
How about it?
I know.
Here we go.
You're gonna have
a regular coffee.
Careful -- the beverage you're
about to enjoy is extremely hot.
Next?
Uh...
What?
I, um --
Two lattes,
no foam, please.
[ rock music plays ]
I can't believe
this is the first time
you've ever been here.
Huh.
I mean, all these fucking idiots
calling me Uncle Dave,
And here I am --
I actually am your Uncle Dave.
[ chuckles ]
Yeah.
So, when was the last time
I saw you?
The bachelor party,
right before the wedding night.
Oh, fuck, yeah, right.
That was fun.
I wonder
if that donkey survived.
[ inhales deeply ]
Well, what do you think
of the place?
Ah, it's -- it's amazing.
Yeah. I kind of owe it
all to you, you know?
Me?
Well, we always talked
about running a con like this, right?
- Yeah.
You know,
about how gullible people are,
how they'll believe anything
if you just tell it to them
a couple of times?
Anyway, I just took all that
talk, put it into action,
pushed it to the next level,
and...
here I fucking am.
Man.
I just can't believe it,
you know?
[ exhales deeply ]
Yeah.
You know, it's funny you showing
up here like this, you know,
'cause I find myself in a --
in a financial situation.
And I have a plan
for getting out of it,
But I could use a partner.
Uh, no.
No, no, no.
I know where this is going,
Uncle Dave.
I -- I don't do
that type of shit anymore.
Come on,
it'd be like old times.
Remember when we stole the flag
from the Governor's Mansion?
Twice.
Yeah.
And this plan
is foolproof, man.
I got arrested
the second time.
Well, that plan
wasn't foolproof.
Yeah, they prosecuted me
under the new flag protection amendment,
and with that on my record,
I couldn't get into a good
college or get a good job or --
I pretty much just play
by the rules.
Look, man, nobody plays
by the rules, all right?
You bend them,
or you break them.
Anything else
is just slow death.
Yeah,
that's what it feels like.
Yeah.
All right,
well, fuck it, man.
I never push you
to do anything, right?
I always let you go your own way.
- Yeah.
Besides, it's working out great
for you, right?
I mean, you got the beautiful
wife, the nice home.
If you change your mind, though,
you let me know.
Here,
have a souvenir ashtray.
Thanks.
MAN: Now, you're gonna get a
welfare check for $168, right?
Fuck you, man.
You give me that check,
I'll give you $250 worth
of food stamps.
You understand what I'm saying?
Major profit there.
This is a good deal, pal.
It's a fucking great deal.
Shit.
MAN #2: That's $82.
[ bell dings ]
$82. You're good at math.
Hey, that's you.
You're next.
Here, use my pen.
Use my pen
and don't forget to date it.
Hey, have you heard
that since the United States
has closed their borders they're
getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?
I don't understand you.
All that scrap copper's
gonna be for sale.
I don't want copper!
You go away!
Wrong form.
What?!
Wrong form!
Look, I don't care
what form I have, all right?!
I'm not leaving here
until I get my money!
Buddy, come on.
Hey, buddy, let's go.
Come on.
Where's the pen?
Where's my pen?
Hey, come here.
He's got my pen.
Hey! Hey!
MAN: Down! Down!
Shit!
[ woman screams ]
[ woman humming ]
[ gunshots ]
WOMAN #2: Fuck me!
[ humming continues ]
Help me!
[ gunshots continue ]
Ugh!
Aah!
WOMAN #3: Oh, my god!
MAN: Just get down!
Get down!
[ man screaming ]
That does it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
I need backup!
Unh! Unh!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Sweet.
[ speaking native language ]
[ grunts ]
Aah!
More fucking backup!
[ bell dings ]
Number 25!
Right here.
Here.
Right here.
Sorry, we're closed.
[ siren wailing ]
WOMAN: My baby!
POLICEMAN: Ha! Unh!
Unh!
Unh! Oof!
[ metal squeaking,
woman moaning ]
WOMAN: Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
[ moaning ]
Oh, yes!
Come on!
Give it to me, daddy.
Give it to your bad girl.
[ up-tempo music playing ]
[ moaning ]
Oh, yes!
Give it to me!
Oh!
Oh, yes!
[ music continues ]
MAN: I'll be back in a second,
sweet cheeks.
[ breathing heavily ]
Hi, neighbor.
Guess I won't be needing
that grievance after all, huh?
Okay.
# love #
# I'm sucker for love #
# your love is a love
that I can't get enough of #
# I'm a sucker for love,
your love #
Got to find the wet spot.
[ laughs ]
[ metal creaking ]
Leave the welfare check
on the counter.
Oh, yeah.
There. Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Give it to me, you stud.
Yes.
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
Get me a large bottle
of cooking oil.
The extra-virgin kind!
Oh, yes!
Yes!
[ moaning intensifies ]
Oh, yes!
Oh!
Please, Uncle Dave, please,
just a few hundred bucks,
just -- just enough to get me
out of this fuckhole town
for the rest
of my life, please?
Hey, sport.
Last chance.
Come on.
Help me out with a few bucks.
I don't have anything.
Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, huh?
What, do you think I'm stupid
or something, huh?
Listen, you're not gonna help me
out, I'll help out myself.
Open up the wallet.
Dude, who you talking to?
No.
Let go of my gun.
What's the matter with you?
Bro, you still there?
[ muttering ]
Hey, bro?
Hey, while I got you,
I got to ask you --
What do you think of those --
those mileage rewards programs?
What's the matter with you? Let go.
- No!
You know, I thought you could
use those miles anytime
To get tickets, right?
But, you know, I tried, and
you can't use them at Christmas.
Last chance.
- No.
Give me the gun!
- No.
[ gunshot ]
Aw, shit, sport.
[ thud ]
It's like at every holiday
it's blacked out.
Like, anytime you want to use the
fucking thing, it's blacked out.
DAVE:
That's bullshit, isn't it?
Dave?
- Yeah?
I'm in.
You are?
Oh, fuck,
that's great, man.
But you know what?
You caught me at kind of
a busy time right now, so, uh...
[ static buzzing ]
We, the people under Allah,
give you a new beacon
of strength
against the great Satan
of the West.
They believe we are weakened,
but in only a few days,
we will strike a blow against
America so swift and terrible
that the evil ones will collapse
once and for all.
We are asking those
of the true faith
to wait, pray,
and praise Allah when
the glorious slaughter begins.
And cut!
Wonderful scene, Sammy.
Just wonderful!
You truly outdid yourself
this time.
You -- you hold the screen.
You -- you are forceful,
yet unbelievable.
I almost cried
in the middle there.
You have
such a -- a star quality.
You can't put it into words.
You are a true superstar.
Your voice...
Your eyes --
they were popping.
[ whimpering ]
What?
Don't you know
I'm lactose intolerant?
Are you trying to kill me?
[ sighs ]
Who writes this shit?
They're not listening anymore,
Mohammed.
I tell them
about Allah and glory.
And what do I get?
What do I get every damn time?
Virgins.
Ding ding ding
ding ding ding.
Nobody wants to die anymore
unless they get virgins.
But no one has to die
this time.
That is genius
of the shipment.
Ooh, the shipment!
Ooh, big whoop!
What is it this time --
more Anthrax?
[ coughs ]
Sammy, sammy...
Why do you have
to be like that?
Remember the thing with
the planes a few years back?
Do you remember that, hmm?
Do you remember that?
Come on, do you remember that?
Child's play!
Tomorrow is
when we really make our mark --
you, me...
and the shipment
of Krotchy dolls.
I'm gonna go watch "Oprah."
She's looking good
these days.
The diet is working.
I will do anything it takes to
get the fuck out of Paradise --
anything, anything!
DAVE: Okay.
Take me up the ass.
Just kidding.
[ chuckles ]
No, no, here, here.
You know these things?
Krotchy dolls?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Biggest show on TV, number one.
Oh, and the guy
who does the voice for it --
he's some big
international star, right?
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
All that matters
is everybody wants one
of those dolls, right?
But, sadly...
the Chinese tanker
bringing them over here sank.
They were able to save
about 100,000 dolls.
Unfortunately, none of the crew
was rescued.
So, what,
there's not enough dolls?
Check this out, man.
One of these dolls
sold at auction this morning
for $4,000.
Fuck me.
Yeah.
And...
And 2,000 times $4,000
times $4,000 is, uh...
is 8, uh...
that's like --
no, it's 800 --
no, it's 8--
well, you move --
well, if it's three zeros h--
you move the decimal back.
I don't think -- no, well, wait.
- Or...
It's a fucking lot of money!
Oh, it's an ass-load
of money.
Dude, a couple of asses.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
So, what do you want out of me?
Come up with the plan.
'Cause if you remember
the whole flag-stealing thing,
that was my plan.
That sucked.
It had
certain structural flaws.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
What we got to do
is we got to --
we got to go to little Germany...
- Yeah.
...And we got to break in there,
and we got to, uh,
get the dolls,
and we got to -- we got
to bring them back here.
So, we're gonna need
some sort of a, uh...
truck.
Truck.
A truck would be good.
Uh, one they can't trace back to us.
- Right.
Aha.
Huh?
Yeah.
You got an idea?
I got --
yeah, I got something.
No, it's gone.
Oh.
George W. Bush is a sham.
He's an actor.
That's not even his real name.
He knows too much.
Mohammed, he's crazy.
He suspects nothing.
I'm sorry.
You are a good man, Habib,
but we are at a critical point
in the plan,
and we must take no chances.
No.
Ohh!
[ giggling ]
[ beeping ]
Goodbye, heaven tarts...
sugar logs...
powdered flakes...
and sweetie o's.
[ beeping continues ]
[ clears throat ]
Goodbye, low-calorie
fudge ice cream.
[ slurping ]
[ beeping continues ]
Allah!
[ explosion ]
[ car alarms blaring ]
[ metal creaking ]
[ squeaking ]
Huh.
[ clears throat ]
How much is this?
[ motor humming ]
[ grunting ]
[ groans ]
[ singsongy voice ]
Harry!
You got my money, Harry.
[ chuckles ]
[ normal voice ] What you got
for us today, Harry, huh?
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Harry, come on.
You've been out here
for two hours and --
donating.
H-help the retards.
[ electricity zapping ]
Doing $13,
motherfucker.
Let's go.
What?
Oh, okay, I thought
you said something.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
$5s and $10s only.
[ engine sputters ]
No bath this month,
you son of a bitch.
[ engine turns over ]
I put some extra nutrients
in your dinner.
You're gonna like it.
Let me see.
Come on.
Mmm!
Good, isn't it?
[ groans ]
All righty, baby.
Well, uh, good night.
Big day tomorrow, okay?
All right.
[ grunting ]
What?
Oh, I'm trippin'.
Sorry, buddy.
It does get cold in my garage
late at night.
All right.
Night, Harry.
Welcome to Little Germany
amusement park,
Entertainment center
for Paradise city.
Now, tomorrow the major
media event will happen...
[ thwap! ]
...here at stage,
celebrating the unveiling
of the Krotchy dolls.
The huge international star
of "The Krotchy Show"
will be there.
[ thwap! ]
And that is when we'll strike!
Oh!
- Oh! -Oh!
Oh.
Dave and I
will be in the truck,
accessing
the employee entrance.
You are a blessing upon us,
my brother.
It is as it was foretold
in the good book.
"And then there will come
one amongst them,
"an apos-tle
who carries within him
the holy torch
of righteousness."
Uh-huh.
"He will lead us out
of the clutches of consumerism."
WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
WOMAN #2:- Mm-hmm.
You wrote a fucking bible
for these people?
Group "C" rappels down
and takes the dolls
from the storeroom.
Group "E"
must control the perimeter,
as our intelligence indicates
that another organization
may be after the dolls, as well.
[ whimpering ]
[ telephone rings ]
I'll get that.
Bin Laden.
Hello? It's your dime.
[ country music playing ]
Osama, you old fucker.
It's G.W.
You know how many innocent
people we've had to torture
Trying to get a lead on you?
So?
It's not my fault.
What is it, Georgie?
I, uh -- kind of busy here.
You know how pops has those
oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?
I'm wondering if we ought
to file an insurance claim,
You know,
after the whole thing blows up.
[ explosion ]
All right, well,
drop me an e-mail,
tell me what pipe
you're talking about,
and I'll blow it
all the way to Mecca.
We'd really appreciate it.
I'll ask Laura
to type that up --
you know,
me and spelling and all.
[ chuckles ]
All right, later.
Jihad!
[ cheering ]
[ horn honks ]
VERNE: First they promise me
a private jet.
Then they send me
a freakin' bus?
Geez!
Don't they know
I'm an international superstar?
Ugh!
Jesus!
Aw, Jesus.
Paradise 8 miles?
God!
Motherfuckers.
[ radio beeps ]
[ rap music playing ]
I'm telling you, Mohammed.
I know I've seen that gas
station before. We're lost.
We are not lost.
All gas stations look alike.
What's wrong with you?
Will you just pull over
and ask for directions?
Get off my back!
You know,
I'm doing my best here, okay?
I should be driving.
What, do you think
you're gonna do everything,
be the face of the organization
and also do the driving?
What is wrong with you, man?
[ polka music playing ]
GIRL: Mommy, Krotchy!
Aww!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Hey!
[ laughs ]
I'm here at the theme park
Little Germany
with owner and controversial
director Uwe Boll.
[ cheers and applause ]
Uwe, you made your fortune
turning video games
into hit movies,
but this theme park
has always been your passion,
and today is a big day
for Little Germany.
Absolutely.
I'm totally happy
that that freighter
went down from China
with all the Krotchy dolls,
So we, as the only people
in North America
having the Krotchy dolls
exclusively here on sale.
[ cheers and applause ]
Yay!
All right,
what is all this shit, man?
[ cheers and applause ]
Ooh, Harry,
it's time to go to work.
Get your hat on.
Let me see.
Yeah!
Watch this. Watch this.
Say "will work for food"
in German.
[ groans ]
You the shit.
All right, go on, now.
All right, no $1s.
That's my motherfucker
right there.
Watch out for the flowers,
Harry.
But I want to use the situation
here, where I'm live in TV,
and I want to explain a little
about the financing of my movies
and also from Little Germany,
where the money comes from
because, you know,
there are all the rumors out
that my movies
are financed with Nazi gold.
And what should I say?
It's true.
But somebody must do something
with the money.
MAN: Ja!
I get a little horny here
onstage sometimes,
if I see a crowd
and all the children.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Master, allow me.
[ radio beeps ]
What about me?
Do your job.
Stupid.
Oh, what,
are you gonna fire me?
For saying "fuck"?
Well, fucky-fuck-fuck you, Dan.
I'm the fucking show.
You mind if I go to work now?
Thank you.
Five, four --
I got shit in my teeth?
Thank you.
Hi, we're live in Little Germany
in Paradise.
It's an amazing sight.
The crowd
is trembling with excitement.
People have been lining up
for days to be the first
to get their hands
on the coveted Krotchy dolls.
[ footsteps approaching ]
Ladies...
Today we do God's work,
so get in there
and give those boys a God job.
Yes, sir.
[ indistinct talking ]
WOMAN: Hi, boys.
Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.
Oops.
[ chuckles ]
[ giggling ]
Oh, God.
They're so creepy.
Yeah, so?
WOMAN: Come on, boys!
Can you guys
give me a hand?
Okay.
Let's go.
WOMAN #2: Come on, boys.
Whoo!
WOMAN #3: Come here.
[ woman laughs ]
[ laughing ] Huh.
[ gasps ]
Ha ha!
Whoa-ho!
Oh, yes!
Oh, you sexy little
motherfucker.
Unh! Unh!
Gayle, is that Verne's limo?
Uh, I can't see, Bob.
There seems to be a pickup truck
in the way.
A pickup truck?
Well, that's classy.
MAN: Yo, man.
[ camera shutters clicking ]
[ cheers and applause ]
I just can't possibly explain
how -- how unbelievably sorry
we are, Mr. Troyer.
I personally will take
full responsibility
for this confusion
with the pickup.
I don't want you fired.
I want
your fucking boss fired.
So, what did you do
with the guards?
They're all worn out.
Mm.
All right.
Okay, ladies.
Get to work
on lifting the crates.
This is great.
That means that...
The whole park is busy
with the pissed-off V.I.P.
Mm-hmm.
That means
my plan is genius!
Yeah.
[ woman straining ]
Come on, cowboy up.
Cowboy up!
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ speaking
native language ]
It's locked.
There must be
another way in!
[ polka music playing ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Where's my money, asswipe?
I have even better --
gold teeth.
Hello, Paradise.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ high-pitched voice ]
Help me, Krotchy.
I'm a beautiful lady.
Help me.
Well, you know
what the good and noble Krotchy
says about people in need.
KROTCHY: Only my father and
my priest can touch me there.
[ both laugh ]
Uncle Dave, look out!
What the fuck?
Get to the truck.
We'll meet you out front.
Come on!
Anne Frank, you better have
some chaos out there.
We're coming your way!
This is Anne Frank.
Abort mission!
You come down here,
you'll be arrested in a second!
You are the envy
of the entire country.
Anne Frank,
we need a distraction.
We need a distraction now!
You are the first city
to receive
the officially licensed...
Krotchy doll.
[ cheers and applause ]
Oh, powerful lord,
hear my plea.
Boll, I'm Vince Desi.
What the fuck did you do
to my game "Postal"?
I don't know
what your fucking problem is.
The movie is great.
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Officers, you realize
there's a huge fight going on
onstage right now?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[ choking ]
Unh!
POSTAL DUDE: Anne Frank,
we're coming your way now!
[ radio beeps ]
Party's over.
Freaking Nazi
motherfucker!
Get your hands
off me!
For video games!
No!
He shot Harry!
[ all screaming ]
Son of a bitch!
[ gunfire ]
Aah!
Be careful.
Harry! I'm gonna come
and help you, baby!
[ gunshot ]
[ gunshots ]
Aah!
Whoa!
Ooh!
I hate video games.
[ screaming ]
Aah!
Aah!
Let's get the hell
out of here!
Aah!
[ polka music plays ]
Get out of the way!
Ohh!
Oh! My shit!
I'm so sorry!
What are you doing with my shit?
- I'm a huge fan.
Let me give you a hand with that.
- Leave it alone.
I had no idea you be c--
A dildo on a stick? That's crazy!
- That's mine.
[ laughs ]
Let me see if I can help
you get everything in!
What are you doing?
Jesus!
What the fuck?!
God damn!
What --
God --
I'm in my fucking suitcase.
[ gunshots ]
Richard, what the fuck?
It's a present.
Hey! Assholes!
Uh...
Coffee shop.
Lattes, no foam.
Yeah.
Uh, I got to go.
[ tires screech ]
[ screaming ]
Why did you bring him?
Mind your own business
and get us out of here!
Shut up, you big crybaby.
GREG:
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hey!
Move, move, move, move, move.
Go, go, go.
[ tires screech ]
Let's go, baby.
[ siren wailing ]
Where is...the damn key?
You don't have the keys?
I thought you had the keys.
It's like
when you were a kid.
Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.
- Oh.
Mohammed.
[ siren wailing ]
You're under arrest!
You killed Harry!
Start shooting, John.
Do something. Shit!
[ gunshots ]
Harry wasn't hurting nobody.
What the fuck am I gonna do
with all those damn diapers
I bought him?
[ gunshots ]
RICHARD: Good God!
You're stepping
on my thing! Oh!
Allah be praised.
Now you will give your lives
to avenge this outrage.
Or we could just kill
the other guys.
Yeah!
[ cheering ]
[ machine-gun fire ]
[ siren wailing,
tire screeching ]
Jesus Christ,
can you control this thing?
Yes!
WOMAN:
Watch where you're going!
WOMAN #2: Oh, god.
[ gags ]
[ siren wailing in distance ]
[ chuckles ]
It's the moo cow
from the welfare office.
"sorry, we're closed."
Bitch!
What was that?
[ sighs ]
Oh.
I thought we had a flat,
but we just ran over some girl.
Whew! Thank god.
Got a body on maple.
WOMAN: Tag 22,
please repeat your location.
Maple, like the syrup.
Oh, this is
fucking fantastic.
Oh, my God,
these kids are heavy!
Okay.
All right.
Gary -- wait.
Just wait.
Wait.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Roll it, Gary.
Make me a star.
MAN:
[ crying ] Oh, my god.
This is Gayle Ravenson
reporting live
from Little Germany theme park,
on what will forevermore
be known as the place
where the laughter died.
Celebrity icon Verne Troyer
is currently missing
or presumed dead.
The coward responsible
for this massacre
has been described as
a rodent-like man with red hair
and wearing
a "peace" T-shirt.
Back to you, Bob.
Oh, that's right.
You're dead.
These kids
are starting to smell.
I can't believe
I took this fucking job.
Fucking bullshit.
God damn it.
This helps.
Definitely helps.
We need to get him
inside immediately,
along with the merchandise!
- Yes.
Jesus titty-fuck,
they're already here.
WOMAN:
Now what do we do?
That was the safest place
in all of Paradise.
You guys don't have
like a bomb shelter
or a basement or something,
you know,
that the Taliban couldn't
have found themselves, right?
No, we don't.
We do.
- What?
We do.
There's
a massive underground shelter
beneath the main compound.
It's perfect.
TROYER: You know
what would be perfect?
My foot up your ass.
Who the fuck
are you people?
What the fuck
did you bring him for?
You'll see, Uncle Dave.
Do you think we can sneak him
past the Taliban
without them finding out?
And where the fuck are
you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?
In plain sight.
Somebody grab
the little guy.
Come on, little guy.
What the fuck's going on?
WOMAN: Come on.
WOMAN #2: Okay.
Shut up.
WOMAN #3: Come on.
Citizens of this great nation --
town...
be on the lookout for this
psychopathic, deranged killer,
also known as...
Postal Dude.
...Postal Dude.
That's the best
we could come up -- Postal Dude.
He's wanted in conjunction
with the kidnapping,
the shooting
at the welfare office...
the assassination
of candidate Wells...
and killing a Chinese woman.
He killed
a poor, innocent Chinese lady.
So, if you see him...
You ever just have
one of those days?
Mm, no.
Hey! Hey!
The Postal Dude!
MAN: Get him!
Hey, come on!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Uh, I don't think that's him.
See how his hair flows,
though?
This guy
looks more like Jesus.
[ whistling ]
[ gasps ]
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Let's go!
Thank you!
Get him!
Come on!
Hey, which way did he go?
This way!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Why did you help him?
Want to clean
the windows again?
Yeah, fuck.
[ gun cocks ]
[ bell dings ]
Hold it!
[ gasps ]
Up against the wall now!
Ow!
Huh?
Look like I bagged me
the Postal Dude.
Ugh!
[ groans ]
God damn!
You son of a bitch!
I think
you busted my nose!
Ohh, fuck!
You fucking asshole!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Ugh!
Sorry.
I think he went
that way!
[ breathing heavily ]
No wonder cops are crabby.
This weighs a fucking ton.
Handcuffs -- those are cool.
What is that?
Is that like a flashlight?
[ chuckles ]
Pepper spray.
Pepper spray is neat.
PAUL: Officer!
Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood
watchdog group, Chapter 232.
Good job, citizen.
Did you see the Postal Dude?
Yes, uh, yes.
He went down
thataway.
Right.
Citizens united,
let's get this fucker!
Get him!
Hey, hey.
Nice outfit.
Like you couldn't be
more of an ass already.
You look like a penguin.
So, I dropped the junk off.
Yeah.
Now, where is
that underground shelter place?
Shh.
Go through the bedroom.
Yeah, the -- okay.
Zzzhhh!
All right, all right,
I'm going in.
All right.
All right, I'm going in.
Stay.
Have you heard
from Osama?
MAN: No.
Heard from the truck?
No.
Have you seen the dog?
- No!
Do you know anything?
- I don't know.
You are stupid!
Mohammed, I'm sorry.
Stupid...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
WOMAN:...Why the World Trade
Center victims deserved to die,
after the break.
Discouraged
by the inability to stem the...
[ meows ]
...prevents the continent
from having any further contact
with the rest of the planet.
According to leading experts,
video games are the number-one
cause of violence --
POSTAL DUDE: Psst!
Puss, puss, puss.
Here, you stupid cat.
[ cat meows ]
[ purring ]
[ cat meows ]
Meow!
Hmm?
[ meows ]
Aah!
[ cat yowls ]
Good kitty.
Psst, psst.
Come on. Come on.
Gah.
Stay low.
I already am.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Let's go. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Get him.
Get him. Get him.
Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Line up, my sexies.
That includes you, too,
Mr. Troyer.
Jenny, would you mind
opening it?
My pleasure.
Jenny, you, too, huh?
Am I the only fucking person
who didn't know there was a bomb
shelter underneath my bedroom?
It's not a bomb shelter,
Uncle Dave.
[ door creaking ]
TROYER: I can't believe
this fucking shit.
It's a god shelter.
Richie,
what the fuck is this?
This is amazing.
This is a shithole.
What is
all this for?
Dave's bible,
Chapter 11, Psalm 23 --
"and in the end,
the fire and the plagues
"will come
at the behest of the Lord,
"and the sores and the boils,
"and the intestinal ulcers
and testicular tumors
shall befall
all of humanity"...
except for those who hide
like rabbits below the ground.
Hey, this is pretty sweet.
You ever, uh, fire --
Don't touch anything!
Aah!
We will need every bullet
for the end of all things.
[ sighs ]
That's great, Richie.
But right now we've got
a problem, all right?
My house is full of a bunch
of fucking religious fanatics
who think they're gonna be the
chosen people at the end of the world.
As opposed to --
shut the fuck up.
Why don't you
shut the fuck up?
You don't think I'll come over there?
I'll come over there.
I'll stick this finger
up your ass.
Yeah, you
and what fucking ladder?
I'll get you.
- I'll fucking --
Take this.
God damn.
Richie, the point is...
We don't need to be worried
about the end right now, okay?
We just need
to take those guns,
go upstairs,
kill some motherfuckers,
get my merchandise back,
sell it so we can pay off
the IRS, all right?
Not gonna sell the merchandise,
Uncle Dave.
What?!
I am sorry to inform you,
but that was never part
of the plan.
[ chuckles ]
So, what is the plan?
To end the world,
of course.
You guys have issues, man.
Did you know about this?
No, I didn't fucking know about this.
- But he works for you.
Apparently not.
Dah!
I can hear you.
[ sighs ]
Richie...
Richie...
[ cries ]
Now it is time
for the rest of you
to know the full extent
of our plan.
This is why we need
the Krotchy dolls.
KROTCHY: What happens up my ass
stays up my ass.
The Avian Bird Flu --
the plague for which
the western devil has no cure.
If these dolls
are to be distributed
throughout the United States,
there will be
death and destruction
beyond all comprehension!
Yeah!
That is
what I'm talkin' about.
[ whimpering ]
So, to make a long story short,
the Taliban wanted
to get ahold of the flu,
and ma-na na-na na-na na-na na,
and they were gonna spread it.
Whatever.
I mean, we stopped them, right?
We're good.
Exactly!
We stopped them...
so that we could do it
our own way.
What?
See, they only wanted to spread
it in the United States,
but in order to fulfill
the prophecy in Dave's bible,
We must wipe out
the entire planet.
He's fucking nuts.
Which brings us to you,
Mr. Verne Troyer!
If he wrote anything about me
in that bible,
we're gonna have
some serious problems.
"and you shall know when the
final day of reckoning begins
"because on that day,
"a tiny entertainer
will be raped
by 1,000 monkeys!"
That's it.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
I'm sorry, little --
Ohh!
Ohh!
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Stop him!
We must do as god commands!
God damn it.
Bring on the monkeys!
Oh, not the monkeys.
[ chattering ]
Where'd you get
so many monkeys?
I don't fucking know.
I got nothing to do
with this shit.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Ohh!
[ speaks indistinctly ]
Don't fuck the pants up, please.
[ fabric tears ]
All in all, this has really
not been a very pleasant day.
Yeah.
- But...
Unfortunately, the desperate
nature of our situation
suggests that we may
need another of us
to embrace martyrdom as we bring
our fight to the Infidels.
Now...
How about Abdul?
KROTCHY: Hey, let's go do some drugs.
[ whimpering ]
Oh, that is a great idea,
a great idea -- genius!
Of course,
one must agree willingly.
Now, Abdul...
If you don't want to be blown
into a tiny million pieces,
raise your hand, hop on
one foot, and sing "Free Bird."
[ whimpers ]
Abdul it is.
Now, if we just had Osama.
Does anybody know
where the fuck he is?!
So, you can see that just
by changing the words you use,
you can motivate your employees
in all new ways.
If you master my 117 steps
to dominating your employees,
I personally guarantee
you will have a team
of little killer bees ready
to live or die at your command.
You can make them work
for 72 hours straight at a time,
especially if you put
crystal meth in the water.
Now, some of you may be asking,
"isn't crystal meth illegal?"
Technically, yes,
but the U.S. Air force uses it
to fuel their pilots
when they're on night missions
over Afghanistan.
So it can't be that illegal
if the U.S. Air force uses it.
So...what now?
So, you're
just gonna shoot us?
Yeah, you know,
I'm really sorry, man.
I mean, obviously, this is
some sort of misunderstanding,
But you can see
where I kind of have to go
with it at this point. Hmm?
I mean, you're my nephew,
but these are my people.
Got to lead them
to the Promised Land.
You're a douche.
Not.
- Yeah.
Actually, the bible
doesn't say to kill you.
What the fuck, Richie?
Come on, what?
I'm -- I'm god on earth,
remember?
Read your fucking bible.
When you read
between the lines,
it's remarkable
how the meanings change.
Now, the way I read it
was god chose you as a pawn
to get this movement going.
But now it's time for someone
else to take charge...
someone...
[ breathing heavily ]
...who truly believes.
No, Richie.
Oh!
WOMAN: Ugh!
WOMAN #2: Ew!
[ panting ]
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
[ laughs ]
Fuck!
Fuck me!
I'm fucking gay!
Who the fuck knew?
I had no clue, man,
but this explains a lot.
Oh, I can finally learn
to love myself for who I am.
I'm a fucking chubby chaser,
too!
Fuck it, man!
This is great.
Aww!
You know what?
Today is the start
of my whole new life.
[ laughs evilly ]
Right.
Aah!
[ Dave breathing heavily ]
[ groans ]
Mitzi.
Okay, so I'm bi.
Yuck!
You.
[ gun cocks ]
You we are grateful to,
so we will let you live...
Until the bird flu gets you.
Or we can put you out of your
misery right now -- either way!
Actually...
[ clears throat ]
Actually...
Uh, no.
Um, you have
to leave me alive...
Richie...
if you want to have
your little...Apocalypse.
And why is that?
Uh, because I am the only guy
who knows where the truck
filled with bird flu is parked.
[ grunting ]
[ screaming ]
[ laughs ]
Yeah! That's clever!
That is clever!
But it's
not insurmountable.
You didn't go far.
We'll just find it ourselves,
and then we'll kill you!
Or not, remember?
The bible said that
you didn't have to kill me,
And you said
you weren't going to,
And you killed Dave.
Yeah, but as soon
as I said that, I just --
it just was a lousy idea,
so ha-ha.
We'll be right back.
Get in there!
[ electricity zapping ]
Aah. Aah.
[ grunts ]
[ exhales deeply ]
[ coughing ]
[ coughs ]
What are you still doing here?
We're supposed to wait
for Richard
to get back
with the truck.
WOMAN: And then we eat
the poison brownies
and ascend into god's love.
Starr couldn't wait.
She was on a cleanse.
POSTAL DUDE: Yeah, that all
sounds like a real good plan.
Me --
I'm gonna go upstairs...
kill me some terrorists...
probably die
in a hail of bullets.
If by some miracle
I make it out alive,
I'm gonna find that fat fuck
of yours, Richard,
and stick this machine gun
up his self-righteous ass.
Yeah.
Decisions, decisions.
[ whimpering ]
Uh-oh.
[ screaming ]
Aah!
Mine.
Mine.
What?
- Yours.
Aww!
Oh, you are good.
Well, you are better.
- I know.
Come on.
Aah!
Let's go.
You cunning little bitch.
You're not retarded,
are you?
You've just been faking it.
Mine.
[ gunshot ]
MAN: Aah!
They'll meet us later.
[ engine turns over ]
All right, ladies.
This is
where we split up.
Aw.
Go home
to your families.
Think for yourselves,
And no more crazy cults
that look forward
to the end of the world.
Don't worry.
We've decided to be Christians
from now on.
Well...
[ horn honking ]
[ moaning ]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Why?
Because you're married?
No, I just want
to give Karen a turn.
Oh!
Hey.
- Hi!
Oh, my God.
Paradise, here I come.
Speaking of wild shit,
have you seen
that guy's wife?
Yeah, she's hard to miss.
Yeah.
She's a good fuck, though.
You fucked her?
Several times.
She's got a clapper
in her trailer.
The lights go on and off
and on and off.
[ laughs ]
Makes you feel
like a rock star!
Let's go to the trailer.
Aw, right.
Hey,
it's the Postal Dude!
Get him!
[ gunshots ]
Go! Go! Go!
[ all shouting ]
Come on!
Go! Go!
[ breathing heavily ]
Unh!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Come on.
- Shoot him!
Eat this!
[ machine-gun fire ]
I'm sorry!
Bye, cowards!
Aah!
[ sighs ]
You are so hot.
And you turned
into a crazy psychopath.
There were
some pretty good reasons.
That's what they all say.
I have to destroy a postal truck
filled with lethal microbes
before a doomsday cult
or a terrorist group
Gets their hands on it
and destroys the entire world.
Yeah, like I believe that.
Jihad!
[ shouts indistinctly ]
Huh?
- Jihad!
Okay.
Uh, where's that truck?
[ laughs sarcastically ]
Great.
Okay.
[ machine beeps ]
Oh.
I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.
It looks like your credit
card's been declined.
What?
It looks like every
free government on the planet
has frozen your assets.
Would you take a check?
[ clears throat ]
Cash, American.
I'm a little short.
Sammy, we need you
right away.
Do you have any cash?
No.
[ chuckles ]
Run!
Freakin' Arabs.
Go back to Mecca and run around
your big black box!
[ Rossini's "Largo Al Factotum"
plays ]
Oh, god.
- You okay?
Yeah, you ever get
like a hangnail?
Yeah, it's brutal.
- Aah!
[ gasps ]
What the hell was that?
Fuck her, Greg.
Yeah, come on.
Fuck her, Greg.
[ grunting ]
How's that, huh?
A little to the left,
motherfucker.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Oh! Okay!
You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
[ metal creaking ]
oh!
Yes!
Give it to me.
Whoo-hoo!
Who is that?
Ugh.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife.
Oh.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
You like that?
- Yes!
Great job!
A little faster.
That ought to do it.
[ beeping ]
All right.
Here, champ!
Come on, buddy.
Champ?
[ whistles ]
Come on!
Ah, poop.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
[ moaning ]
Too late.
Whoo-hoo!
[ gunshots ]
What the fuck was that?
WOMAN: Fucking guy!
We're gonna fucking mess you up!
Back! Back!
Fucking die!
MAN:
Shoot that motherfucker down!
I love you, Greggie.
I love you, too.
[ grunts ]
Go back!
Go back!
Let's do it!
All right!
Hey!
God damn it!
Get the hell off my property!
Motherfucking piece of shit!
Hand over the Avian Flu,
Infidel!
Hello?
That's their truck, right?
[ laughs evilly ]
Oh, there he is...
the guy
who killed Uncle Dave.
We must
rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!
Okay.
Fuck this.
Uh-huh.
Bomb!
Bomb!
Bomb!
B-b-b-b-bomb!
Bomb!
MAN: Hold up!
Fuck!
"big bomb that could take out
a whole city block" bomb.
Do I have your attention?
[ exhales deeply ]
Get down here!
What is wrong with you people?
You're so busy trying to blow up
the world in the name of God.
News flash, fucktards --
God doesn't need your help.
He's God!
And he, she, it --
they gave you life.
And you're wasting it.
Look around you.
Look.
Look, God damn it!
See?
We're not that different
'cause we all come
from the same family...
known as humanity.
Now, what do families do?
Do they fight?
Yeah, sure.
But they work it out
'cause they love each other,
and they know that
they're stuck with each other,
just like all of us are,
here on the crazy big mud ball
called Earth.
[ nose blowing ]
So, come on, people.
Let's try and find
some common ground, huh?
Uh, well,
we all hate Jews!
[ indistinct talking ]
MAN: Yeah.
Yeah, well,
everybody knows that, yeah.
No, no, no, no,
not a hate thing.
Ah, sh--
[ sighs ]
A happy thing.
MAN: I don't get it.
I think it's time
to empty our hands of guns
so we can fill our hands
with hugs.
[ crying ]
[ grunting ]
If you want to waste this
precious gift we call life,
I can't stop you.
So, go ahead.
Shoot.
Or...
...hug.
[ sighs ]
Shoot him.
[ rapid gunfire ]
Oh, you motherfuckers!
God damn!
[ gunshot ]
Aah!
[ gunfire continues ]
I'm starting to get pissed.
Greggie, I'm still wet,
though!
Just plug that little thing in.
I'll be there in one second.
Ugh!
[ crying ]
You've got
to be fucking kidding me.
Aah!
Aah!
You like that?
Aah!
Hey, Mo,
save some virgins for me.
Aah!
WOMAN: Please insert
an additional 25 cents
to complete
your long-distance call.
[ cellphone plays "Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star" ]
Hello,
this is George W. Bush.
It's Osama.
I need some help, man!
Hi, there, Osama.
How are you?
You got to speak up,
George.
I can't hear you over the gunfire.
- Hmm?
Gunfire. I'm trapped in
a trailer park in Paradise city.
I'm here for you, buddy.
We got you on satellite.
Should I send a couple
cruise missiles down there?
Uh-oh.
[ gunshot ]
No, I --
Please insert
an additional 25 cents
to continue
your long-distance call.
I was thinking maybe
a helicopter to come pick me up.
Hey, that -- that could work.
Uh, there's a field
just south of you.
I'll pick you up there.
Aw, thanks, Georgie.
I, um...
Yes?
I just wish
I knew how to quit you.
Shit.
[ snap ]
Oh!
No hand-to-hand combat,
no hand-to-hand combat.
No, no, no, no.
FRANK: Hello.
Internal Revenue Service,
Frank Dumont.
We're here to conduct an audit
on a Mr. David Clark.
You are
American government?
Yes, sir.
Is Mr. Clark at home?
Hold on one moment,
government man.
I have someone
to speak to you.
[ groaning ]
Unauthorized fruit sales.
I should have brought that dip.
[ whimpering ]
Jihad!
Jihad!
Ji-- oh, yeah.
Jihad, yeah.
Abdul!
Abdul, where is your belt?
You're not wearing
your explosive belt.
[ whimpering ]
[ mumbling ]
We're taking
the cop car.
[ beeping ]
Abdul.
Lorraine, Lorraine...
Stop licking
your own asshole, okay?
You're my publisher.
You tell them
that this is a prime example
of why everybody
should buy my book,
"how to fire an employee
without making him go postal" --
Because I'm a --
Aah!
[ blowing ]
Aah!
[ laughs evilly ]
You ruined everything!
[ gasps ]
Oh.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Don't be a dick...
No!
...dick.
[ birds chirping ]
MAN: At an Alabama high school today...
[ sniffs ]
Did you -- champ!
Hey, buddy.
Hey! Hey!
I thought
I smelled poo-poo breath.
...garbage duty
for a week as punishment.
Nice to see you, pal.
We're interrupting
our regular broadcast
to take you live
for this emergency announcement
from the President.
PRESIDENT BUSH:
This is the President
of the United States of America.
[ the "Star-Spangled Banner"
plays ]
C.I.A. Intelligence
has confirmed
that the governments
of China and India
were directly responsible
for the terrorist cell
recently uncovered in Paradise.
Worse still, they continue to
make T-shirts for well under $1.
In response, we've been forced
to destroy both countries
with "nucular" force.
China, despite
all our freedom-loving efforts,
was able to send
They should hit
in a little under two minutes.
I wish you all the best of luck
with your future endeavors,
and God Bless America.
[ sighs ]
[ music stops ]
Well?
I regret nothing.
You know what?
Forget the stuff.
Oh!
- What are you doing?
Don't you want me
to get out of here? Come on!
Come on!
Come on.
Go out!
[ beeping ]
[ transmitter beeps ]
[ car alarms blaring ]
Ugh.
They got a hu--
[ gasps ]
Oh, god!
[ Mark Polak's "The Magic Sound"
plays ]
[ engine turns over ]
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# hand in hand, we'll stroll the
land in the peace and harmony #
# we'll be friends
till the end #
# buddies, you and me #
Georgie, I think
this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship
# flowers all around #
# from the birth
of mother earth #
# we hear the magic sound,
singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# devils cast into the sea #
# brothers without love #
# ripple to a tidal wave #
# swelling to a flood #
# brave the storm,
you lonesome ships #
# courage, it's not far #
# sail away #
# we'll find a day in the land
of la-la-la, singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# tree of life bearing fruit #
# nourishing us all #
# as the sun will become
the father standing tall #
# let us take our appleseed
and plant it in the ground #
# soon we'll seen an apple tree
and hear the magic sound #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
[ "theme from 'Postal'" plays ]
MAN: Attention, residents
of the planet earth.
Don't miss the sale
of the century.
With the purchase of one clone,
get a second clone...
for
free.
There's no business
like clone business.