Powder Room (2013) Movie Script
Sam! Hi!
- Hello.
- Ooh.
Aw, look at you. Oh, my God. It's
been forever. How are you doing?
No. I'm good. You look amazing.
Sam, this is Jess, my friend
from Paris. She came over with me.
Mmm.
Shit!
- You all right?
- Yes.
No.
- I actually think I'm making it worse.
- Just say it's woman's problems.
That's so much worse
than wine though.
Just say it's wine.
- It is.
- Yeah.
- So, do you come here often?
- No. No, not really.
I've only been here once before.
I always thought it was a bit posh.
- A bit of a dive?
- Dive. Posh dive.
- It's a confusing concept for a club.
- Hmm.
Is it much different here to Paris?
Yeah.
I'm freezing.
Maybe you just need
some food inside you.
- Go on. Next move.
- Rub the nipples!
You're wearing your "fuck me"
boots tonight then, Sam.
No, they're tiny. They're
more like "finger me" boots.
See, I told you she was funny.
You know, she talks about you all the
time, about when you were in college.
Oh, really?
"Me and Sam did this.
Me and Sam did that."
She told me about the time that you drank
too much Guinness and shat yourself.
That's just too funny.
Do you remember that?
And everyone called you "shit girl".
- Nobody called me that.
- Yeah, they did.
- Well, that's very clever wordplay.
- Aw.
I haven't shat myself since,
so... Whoo-hoo.
Eight years clean.
Rarr! Rarr!
Oh, my God. Let's get a photo.
So, what have you been
up to in Paris then?
Um, just working mainly.
- It's something to do with fashion, is it?
- Yeah, we run an online fashion blog.
Cor. That sounds great.
Oh.
And I got engaged.
- Oh, my God! To Marcel?
- Yeah.
Is it? Yeah. Oh! Amazing!
Yeah. It's massive.
The same designer that did mine.
So creative, it's unique, it's like...
It's like art. Don't you think?
You're engaged too?
No, I'm married. Yeah, with a
little girl, Kyla. She's three.
- She is so sweet.
- You have a kid?
You look...
I left her in Paris with her father, who's
probably spoiling her rotten by now.
He's amazing like that.
Just amazing.
- So, when is it you're getting married?
- In March.
- Wow. That's in a month.
- I know.
We've just been rushing round like
maniacs, really, trying to get it ready.
He's so obsessed
with her, it's so cute.
- He's not obsessed with me.
- He is obsessed with you.
Oui, oui.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me hide
my bag. I had this one last week.
Text it to Sam.
Obviously.
So, Sam, tell us about you.
What have you been up to?
Uh...
Ooh, fill me in on the
whole lawyer thing.
What "lawyer thing"?
Didn't you do a law
conversion after college?
Yeah. No, sorry. Of course.
Yeah, that is kinda what I do.
Wow. That's really impressive.
- See, I told you she was smart.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
So what kind of law do you do?
Divorces. Divorce law.
- Right.
- Irreconcilable differences.
Splitting up assets. Pre-nups.
That kind of thing.
- God, that sounds a bit depressing.
- No. No, I'm not depressed.
No. I just mean being on such
a negative side of things.
Yeah, I'm not depressed though.
So what does it entail exactly?
Erm...
Well, a lot of long hours
as you can imagine.
With all the cases
and clients and...
Little cards. Little
business cards.
Really good. So, does
that not make it, like,
really hard though with the long hours
to, uh, find somebody for yourself?
No. Not at all, actually.
Ooh, tell us more, tell us more.
Well, I am with someone.
Oh, don't you look nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Has she got any ID?
- She's 23.
- Don't look a day over 17 to me.
Mate, she's 23, for fuck's sake.
All right, love, step aside.
You're getting searched.
Oi, is that the purse I got
Mum for Christmas?
- Yeah. She didn't want it.
- You didn't give it to her, did you?
Don't ask me to wrap
the presents then.
Lesbian.
All right, just get in.
You're holding everything up.
Saskia.
Come on!
Yeah. We're actually really relaxed
about it. Not really relaxed.
I mean, we're actually
looking at moving in.
Oh, wow.
- Yes.
- What's his name?
Sean.
- Sorry. What?
- Sean!
Can you show us a photo of him?
Go on, show us some photos of him.
No, I don't have any.
- What about on Facebook?
- Yeah, show us those.
Okay.
Okay. Jean-Raphael just sent us the
money for the festive photo shoot.
All of it?
18,000 euros.
I mean, we usually do
it for double, but...
Sorry, Sam. That is so rude. No
more business stuff for the night.
Have you found him?
Oh, wow. He's really cute.
Oh, he's gorgeous!
Well done, woman.
I bet he's good in bed. Right?
You know what? I might just... I'm
just gonna send him a quick text.
Okay. We'll be on the dance floor. We'll
go by the DJ booth so you can find us.
- Great. Okay.
- All right? See you in a minute.
Okay, so I'm in.
I'm just in the toilets now.
Oh, my God, they let you through!
I was, like, "They're not
gonna let her through".
Then I was like, "Do I come out?"
No. I gave the bouncer
my sister's ID,
and he was like, "It doesn't really
look like you, but whatever".
Okay, right. So, if you didn't
know me, how old do I look?
- Um, I'd say 18 definitely. Yeah.
- Okay.
A bit more make-up?
Yeah. I think a bit, yeah.
What do I need?
Definitely lip gloss.
Yeah. And, like, more eyeliner.
'Cause that makes us look well older.
Okay. Um, so drinks?
What do we drink?
- White wine spritzer and lemonade.
- Does that get you drunk?
Yeah, it's what my sister drinks and
she's drunk, like, all the time.
Fine, okay. Um,
so let's just act cool.
Yeah. I'm cool.
Oh. You order the drinks
'cause you have ID.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing here?
Oh, my God! What are
you lot doing here?
- I thought you was with a friend?
- Yeah, yeah. Why are you here?
Bar guy said he'd get us
guest list if I pulled his pint.
He's a creep.
Oh, well, you're welcome
for the free drinks.
I didn't want this drink anyway.
Why didn't you get me the
Irish Cream like I asked for?
Because that shit curdles, man.
And you're not 60.
So? Sam, they wouldn't even
get me an Irish Cream.
That's not a bad thing.
Sweetheart, that bar guy is
potentially the love of my life.
I'm not going to walk up and
order an Irish fucking Cream.
The potential love. These men
are not lovers, you know.
Well, what then?
Some guy we went to school with wanked
on your leg, that's not love, Chanel.
I'm not talking about
him specifically.
So how's it going?
- Saskia, what are you actually doing?
- Ey?
Greasy fringe.
I am gonna ruin these men tonight.
Physically and financially.
Why don't you hang out with us
for a change? You might have fun.
- All right, you probably won't have fun.
- I'm dying for a piss.
Just be nice to him, Chanel, 'cause
I only came out with, like, a fiver.
Why are you on a night
out with a fiver?
Because I usually get my
drinks bought for me.
Don't hate me because I'm pretty.
It's not because you're pretty.
It's because you are the epitome
of why women have such a bad name.
You single-handedly bring down the
entire average in expectation.
- But I get pissed for free.
- Uh.
And, to be fair, I did
get all these for free.
Guys, am I a normal colour?
You look like an FHM throwback.
Aw, thanks.
Shit. I'm shiny.
Why are we all standing about
taking pictures of ourselves?
Paige. Mirrors and photos are different.
I do my make-up according to photos.
What, this night is going
to last, like, five hours?
Facebook lasts forever.
Babe, we should come here more often.
This is riddled with hot sausage.
- This place is a dive.
- Put this on me.
Yeah. Anyway I'm not gonna sleep
with some randomer I meet in a club.
- There's your problem in a nutshell.
- What problem?
Well, it's been ages
since you last had sex.
I mean, you do realise
that people have changed
the way sex is done since
you were last involved.
You're done. I'm gonna have
to get back out there.
So, see yous in a bit, all right.
We'll come over and say, "Hi".
Really don't.
It's just that Michelle's
got this friend with her
and she's odd.
She's horrible,
honestly, total bitch.
So don't bother. I'll just
see you in a bit. Okay?
- We can come save you, if you need us to?
- No. It's fine. It's only one night, innit?
I'll come speak to yous
in a bit though, okay?
- Okay, you good?
- Yes. I'm fine. See you in a bit.
- She ain't all right, is she?
- No.
How can we cheer her up?
We can't. She doesn't
want to be cheered up.
To be fair, she has
been through it lately.
I'm not saying she hasn't. I'm just
saying she's really negative now.
- Starting to think she really enjoys it.
- I think she's depressed.
Oh, you think? Look, all we can
do is just be there for her.
Right. Enough.
Let's get back out there.
Er, drink, smoke, dance?
No, we can't bring our
drinks out with us though.
- Smoke, drink, dance?
- Yep.
Yep!
Dylan keeps going on
about fucking phone sex.
Well, everyone has a thing, I suppose.
Has he never mentioned it before now?
No, it's not his...
You know, I just...
Because I work away
a lot, he keeps calling,
and then he's like, "Hey, baby,
let's talk dirty", you know.
"What do you wanna do?"
Well, just... I don't know. Tell
him what you wanna do. I guess?
Get off the phone?
See, this is what I mean. I'm not
that kind of person. I can't...
I can't do it.
Can you help my friend
talk dirty to her husband?
This really isn't my forte.
Well, um, I dunno. Just talk
about what you do usually.
Bare minimum.
Have you ever done it?
I did it once. It was a
long time ago though.
See? It's fine.
Just start slowly and creatively.
Exaggerate, you know.
Say something like,
"I've been thinking about you and your
massive cock and what I'm gonna do to you".
Ugh. No, no, no.
I can't say that, no.
And then you could
say something like,
"You make me so horny.
"Thinking about you makes me so wet.
I just love the way you fuck me".
And then you could go onto
something harder like,
"I'm gonna tie you down and sit on your
face till I'm about to cum all over you.
"I'm gonna sit on your big hard cock
until you're begging me to make you cum
"but I won't, 'cause I'm a bad, bad
girl who needs to be taught a lesson".
Or just get drunk and do it,
that way you have an excuse.
You'll be fine.
- Wow.
- That's amazing.
Good luck.
Shit.
You're such a bitch.
It could have been anyone.
Let's just relax and stop talking to
yourself, because that's not helping.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Fine.
Sorry, I thought I had something in my eye,
but it's just my eyeball, so, good news.
Oh, well, let me look at it.
I did two months of med school.
- Oh, no, no. It's nothing. I'm good now.
- No, really, you're in good hands.
- Have you got our drinks?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, you do not know
what happened to us at the bar.
Oh, my God. These girls literally just
came up and started drinking our drinks.
Ooh.
- Is that better?
- Mmm-hmm. Thanks.
It's called minesweeping.
It's basically people go
around trying to steal
someone else's drink
without them noticing.
My friends used to do
it back in the day.
Yeah, but these girls were our age.
I mean, surely you can afford
your own drinks by now.
Yeah. If nothing else.
Sorry, hon? I think you
need to sort yourself out.
Oh, no, it's wine.
Okay.
I forgot how scummy
people are around here.
Like, are these girls, like...
Just like... Just, "What?"
- I knew you'd hate it.
- No, I don't. It's just the clientele.
Well, now you see why I moved.
Yeah. Totally. I mean, it's like,
"What are we doing here?" You know?
Yeah.
- Did you see her though?
- Shit. Oh, shit.
- What is she doing?
- Maybe she didn't even know it was Chanel.
Of course she did. And even if she didn't,
why is she acting like such a bitch?
Those are the girls. We should
go over and spill their drinks!
I don't know what the fuck
is wrong with her lately.
I've tried to be nice, but she's
making it so hard for me to care.
This is what I'm saying.
Une cigareet?
It's like she's in self-destruct mode.
She enjoys being miserable.
- What's up?
- Nothing. Just everything.
Chanel pisses me off, man.
She's only brought us to this club so
she can hang out with the bar guy,
and now she's getting off with someone
else so there was no point whatsoever.
Look, we can go somewhere
else, if you want.
We don't have to hang
out with your sister.
No, we're getting free
drinks from the bar.
Well, yeah?
I've been looking forward to tonight
all week as well, you know?
It's the same every time we go out.
It's just boys, boys, boys
until Sam wants to go home.
Usually after about half an hour.
There's no fun any more. We don't have
any fun as a group any more. I miss it.
Well, I'm not doing anything
tomorrow. I'll have fun with you.
- Yeah. You're not fun, Paige.
- Thanks.
Darling, are you all right?
I have some poo-poo
pills, if you need them?
I don't mean it in a horrible way.
You're always with Bobby, or your family.
Watching box-sets, and eating food.
Fine, we'll do whatever you want
to do. What do you wanna do?
Okay.
I've got some MDMA in
here from last week.
Yeah, all right. We'll do
that then, if you must.
Come here.
Finally.
- Une cigareet.
- What?
- No. That's not a good idea.
- That is because you've never taken it.
If you had, you would know that it's
probably the best idea anyone's ever had.
- Paige, seriously.
- No.
Oh, come on! You've been with
the same bloke for, what,
like, eight years, or some shit.
Three.
You've been with the
same guy for five years
- and you've never taken any drugs.
- Three.
I don't know how you've
done it. You deserve it.
All right. What will it do?
It will just make you really happy
and just feel in love with everyone.
No. Nope. I'm not becoming Chanel.
Look, I'll only give you a bit. You'll
be in complete control. I promise.
- All right. But you can't leave me though.
- Oh, my God! You're gonna do it!
Yes! Aw! I love you, Paige.
Come on, it's okay.
You can handle this. It's fine.
It's only one night.
Happy. Happy,
happy thoughts. Come on.
Oh, God.
Oh, for...
Don't worry, no one saw.
- You saw.
- Yeah, I did. You should feel ashamed.
You having a good night?
- Er, yeah.
- That means no.
- I said yes.
- You said, "Um, yeah", but you meant no.
- How about you? Good night?
- No. Not really.
I mean, I liked your whole toilet
roll dance, that was good.
But apart from that,
no, not a good night.
We should compare notes. Why are
you having such a bad night?
Er, I'm not having a bad
night as such. It's just...
You're just sitting alone, talking
to yourself, chain smoking.
Ah, yeah, like all
the great nights.
It's my thing. This happened.
Oh, my God.
You got shot in the arse?
That would put a downer on things.
I remember the night I got shot.
It was proper shit after that.
This small one's for you.
Just put it right at the back of your
throat and wash it back quick, okay.
God, that's disgusting.
Paige Burger, you naughty girl.
Let's go dance!
- Why are you having a bad night?
- Oh, no. My night is awful.
I mean, first of all, I'm out with work
mates, which is never a good start.
Plus, I'm in a nightclub,
which I just hate.
This place is such a dive.
No. I hate all nightclubs.
The whole dancing thing.
- I can't dance.
- Right.
And if you stand still
on the dance floor,
as a bloke, you just look
like a sexual predator.
And also, I can't drink.
I just never learned
how to handle it.
So, my all-round emasculation
and awkwardness combined
means that no, I'm not
having a good night.
You look really familiar.
I don't know why.
I'm being serious here. It's
not me trying to chat you up.
- I mean, all the rest was.
- What, that was your chat up?
I'm giving you gold here.
Was it from in here? Not tonight,
I mean, like, another night.
Boom. I know who you are.
- Who?
- That caff on Smith Street.
You work there, right?
It was just that I tried
to have a conversation
with you once but you
weren't having it.
Sorry about that. I don't
work there any more.
No?
No. Look, I'm going to
have to get back inside.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to keep you from...
You didn't.
Sorry. Bye.
Sam.
- What you doing in here?
- Toilet. You all right?
Indeed I am. I love this place.
I think I've found the one.
He's got jeans, black shirt. But stay
away, 'cause he's prime to be mine.
All yours.
What happened to Mr Bar Guy, then?
I thought... That didn't last long.
It's not going to work out.
It all went a bit Adele.
So I moved on. And just as well 'cause
I think this guy's the one. I'm sure.
What's his name?
- Good.
- Well, what's in a name?
You know, to call a rose something else,
doesn't mean it wouldn't smell as sweet.
- Shakespeare.
- Not quite.
And he's a Leo. Regal.
- You did star signs? Really?
- Just 'cause you don't agree with it.
It's nature. It's earthly.
It's neither.
It's a complete crock of shit that you
talk about in order to appear earthly.
Typical cuntish Gemini.
What are you...
You don't shave at home?
Well, yeah, I do. But every few hours,
the stubble starts to grow back.
If I'm going to get lucky,
I'm gonna get smooth.
First of all, shagging that guy
is not called getting lucky,
that's called getting AIDS.
- And second of all...
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Sam, the ironic oracle of
love and relationships.
In fact, because you don't approve makes me
feel more confident that this might work.
What are you... No! Don't you dare!
Don't you shave that rat
in here! No! No way!
Razor away, now.
You don't need any
more fucking makeup.
He's only gonna lick it off anyway.
- Have you seen my bronzer?
- You're bright orange!
I don't want to sound
like a bitch or nothing,
but could you not
like stand so close?
Eh?
I just mean, if it looks
like I'm out with you...
Which you are.
Yeah, but then he might feel we
can't, like, talk, and kiss and that.
Oh, right. So, what? I just
stand in the club by myself?
- Well, you're not...
- No, no, great. No, no.
Yeah, and I'm not going to look
like a total weirdo or nothing.
No. People dance by
themselves all the time.
Yeah, Mel. Weirdoes.
- You all right?
- No. I haven't had a shit for days.
I thought if I had a cig it
might relax it, you know.
Move it or whatever. But nothing.
Swear to God. When did
I last have anal?
Tuesday. And nothing since.
Don't you think that
tells you something?
Like, I don't know, maybe your bum hole
isn't designed to have cock shoved up it?
What, you're telling me that
you've never had anal sex?
- No, I haven't.
- A sneaky finger?
- No!
- Liar.
I haven't!
What, you've never put your finger up
a dude's arse? They fucking love it.
Well, if they love it so much, they
can do it themselves, can't they?
Can we stop this, please?
God, did you see how old those
girls were? What, were they like 12?
Come on, we were coming to these
clubs when we were too young.
- We weren't that young.
- We were.
We just had these to
get us in everywhere.
You're welcome. Right, I'm off.
Come and say "Hi".
- Keep your knickers on.
- Not a chance.
Voil.
- Hi.
- Here she is.
Where have you been?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry, I was
just about to come over.
We got you this.
It's... It's a Pink Lady.
Dame Rose.
Cheers.
- It's champagne, gin and pamplemousse.
- Nice?
Uh-huh.
This is what we drink in Paris.
Sam, you would love it there.
- I've always wanted to go to Paris.
- Well, come. You should totally come.
And we could show you how
Parisians really rock it.
Oh, my God, I would
love that. Really?
Yes. And you can stay at my place.
I have an extra room.
Wow. Really?
And Mike totally wouldn't mind
because he's so amazing like that.
I could stay at your place, you know,
until I got set up or whatever, and then...
Set up for?
What about your job?
I could just try something
else for a little while.
- What about Sean?
- Really?
- You'd just pack up and leave like that?
- Well, yeah. Definitely. Why not?
Wow, you are such a nutter.
Fuck off!
Fuck off now!
I can't, I'm sorry.
This is too funny!
- Why did you tell me it was fancy dress?
- I didn't.
Yes, you did.
On the phone. You did!
I said dress fancy!
No, you didn't. Don't try... You didn't.
You said something about...
You said something about fancy dress and
I said about maybe coming as a baby.
Remember? And you
didn't say nothing.
I didn't know what you
were talking about.
Ugh!
What am I going to do now? Huh?
I look like a prick!
What?
It's not funny, all right.
But it is, though!
Well, if it's that funny,
swap clothes with me then.
No way!
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No.
Okay, what are you
wearing under that?
Nothing.
- No!
- Wait, wait.
The same thing happened to me.
People are drunk, they'll just
think you did it on purpose.
Come on.
- I'll buy you a drink.
- No! No! Just fuck off, man!
Jesus! You do my head in,
you know that?
Some mate you are.
Look. Here. Take this.
Thank you.
There. That's...
You can hardly tell now, it's...
Much better.
Sorry.
Ah, thanks for doing that.
Look, I'll get her some shots and
she'll be over it soon enough.
Yeah, no worries.
Give her a good night.
Ah, yeah, thanks. All right.
Mmm. It's nice. I ain't
got no change. Sorry.
Laura! Laura!
You are never gonna guess
what I've just been doing.
- Oh, I will.
- Oh, really? What?
I don't know, Chanel. You've been
pondering the purpose of existence.
No. The guy. I fucked him.
I know.
Yeah. But what you don't know is that I just
probably had the best sex I've ever had.
You left like four minutes ago.
All right, well,
not the absolute best.
He didn't quite finish,
he had to come back here.
Good.
- Do I still look like I've had sex?
- Yes, you do. Well done.
Ooh!
- What's got inside your arse?
- That is just not even a phrase.
- How's your mate doing?
- Yeah. Fine.
Look, I'm going to have
to get going, okay?
'Cause there's people in here
I'd rather not be in here with.
Yeah, me too,
by the looks of things.
He just said something about his
girlfriend being here tonight.
What? Who, the bloke?
That's what he said, yeah.
And you don't care?
- Well, I didn't cheat on anyone, did I?
- Chanel, are you for real?
You're that desperate you would sleep
with a bloke who's got a girlfriend?
That's you, is it?
I'm hardly desperate, and he
only mentioned it afterwards.
Sorry, wrong toilet. All right?
Look, Sam, if this is about Sean
again, I really cannot be bothered.
This is not about...
Fuck Sean. Please don't fuck Sean.
So, what? Is she here tonight,
is she? God, he sounds great.
Pretty average actually.
I just don't get you sometimes,
Chanel. I really don't.
Look, Sam, you dated someone,
it didn't work out. Shit happens.
I fucked in a bush. Life goes on.
Yeah. It's not about that,
Chanel. It's about you.
Don't you care what
people think about you?
Walking around with your arse hanging out?
Being fingered in some club...
With no regard for anyone.
All right, Sam. I've got
no regard for anyone?
I don't give a fuck what
people think of me.
At least I'm not walking around
thinking I'm something I'm not.
Who have you come as?
Maybe you should start giving
a fuck what people think.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend.
I'm not in the wrong.
You're turning into a right
bitch, you know that?
I need a wee.
Right. Fine. If I'm turning into a
bitch then... Fuck my life. Hello.
Sam, what are you doing in here?
Are you going to be here all bloody night?
Oh, my God, you would not
believe what we just saw.
That girl from before?
The one before, with the
bloke's hand in her knickers.
It was so bad. She was
stumbling everywhere.
- It was, like, her make-up all mushed.
- And stank of sex and regret.
- You have got to see it.
- You're going to laugh your head off.
I really can't believe the girls
in this town. It's so funny.
- It's so funny.
- Come on.
Oh, my God!
Here.
Thank you.
So, me and Jess were thinking,
if you're gonna be in Paris,
you should come to the wedding.
- Really?
- Yeah. I'd love for you to come.
That's incredible, thank you!
I can't believe this is actually
happening. Thank God you came back.
- Gonna powder my nose.
- Okay.
So do you speak any French?
Not really, just the basics.
You know, like my name.
Sam.
I can say that in any
language actually.
- Saskia, I need to sit down.
- Okay, sit down then.
- Can I have a lollipop, please?
- Mmm-mmm.
Angry lady, can I have
a lollipop, please?
Oi!
Eh-eh! Are you going
to pay for that?
No, I ain't got no money.
I don't know how to open...
No. You can keep it, Paige,
you're allowed to keep it.
Thank you.
Saskia.
Come sit with me.
Oh.
Saskia, I need a drink,
my mouth is well dry.
Ow! Paige. That's my hair.
Oh. Saskia, your hair is well soft.
Is it?
We never talk any more.
Yeah, we do, all the time.
Yeah, but we never
talk, like, proper.
Yeah. I know. We should.
Let's go into the toilet.
I'll get you up.
Maybe not just...
Spin that...
Oh, God.
How are you, lovely?
Fucked.
Yeah?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just checking on my boobs.
- Are they still hanging on in there?
- Yeah.
- You've got great tits.
- Oh, God, no, I haven't.
I think...
I think I have an inverted nipple.
- A what nipple?
- Inverted, it doesn't point out.
It's like erectile
dysfunction for nipples.
- Please let me see it, Paige.
- No.
Just let me look at it and I'll
tell you if it's inverted.
No, it's fine. It's just not hard.
Don't think anyone else has
seen my nipples but Bobby.
That's probably why they're inverted.
Come here, they just need some attention.
Don't you, little nipple?
You just need some love.
Look, it works if you poke it.
What about this?
Saskia, that tickles.
This is amazing. You gotta try it.
What?
Go on, you do it.
Just a little flick and lick.
Seriously?
Just come on. Just do it!
So he has this really amazing
collection of Art Deco pieces.
You have to be really careful
not to touch anything,
but you can stay, it's fine.
He's amazing.
Oh, my God! You're not gonna
believe what I just saw.
- What?
- What?
You know the girls that
stole the drinks earlier?
- Yeah.
- Well, they're having sex in the toilet.
What? Together?
Yeah, completely off their faces.
Just going for it in the cubicle.
That's so amazing!
Sorry. The tall girl with
the curly hair and T-shirt?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, they're chewing their
faces off, just having it.
- It's hilarious!
- That's so funny!
- Are you okay, Sam?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
- I'll get the cocktails in, okay?
- Okay.
- Scusi.
- Oh.
My boobs are squishing, stop.
What the fuck are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Get out!
Get out! Come on!
Get out now!
Both of you!
Sorry, Paige, I've gotta go.
What are you doing?
Paige?
- What is wrong with Paige?
- Paige loves MDMA!
Oh, my God, you're fucked. Look
at you. You're both fucked! Saskia!
She is not like you, Saskia.
This is Paige we're talking about.
You were supposed to be looking after her.
And what is her boyfriend gonna think?
Perfume?
Well done, you've read
the situation perfectly.
Now look what you've done.
Dickhead, she was fine!
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to take off.
- Good night, everyone?
- She is not fine!
What the fuck?
Don't you fucking touch
her, you sweaty cunt,
he's got a fucking girlfriend.
Slut!
Oh, just leave it, Sam.
I'm trying to help.
We don't need your help.
Yeah, I think you've done enough.
Look, why don't you just go
back to the Bitches of Eastwick
and leave us alone, yeah?
I just found these two...
cottaging.
Shut up!
Fucking hell.
Sean.
- Sam.
- Sam, we found him at the bar...
With his tongue down
some slag's throat.
Easy, Sean.
Chanel.
Well, go on then.
Excuse me, there are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
Go on.
Sam. I'm fucking sorry.
Oh, God, no.
I didn't... I know I should have
said something before now...
I just didn't think...
Excuse me. There are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
Shh. Okay. It's okay.
I just thought...
Fresh.
That you'd be fine.
No, I am fine. It's fine.
Honestly, please just go.
Uh...
No, you're not letting him
get away that easy, are you?
He was parading his mistress around
like he doesn't give a shit.
- Stop. Just stop.
- When were you going to tell her?
No.
This was a long time ago, love.
We haven't been together for,
like, a year or something.
What?
Excuse me, there are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
We're not together any more.
Ask them.
Look, I'm gonna get out of here.
I don't know what Sam's told you, but...
Sam, I'm sorry.
So, he's not your boyfriend.
No, he's not.
- What?
- Sorry. Who are you?
Chanel, Sam's best mate.
What? This is your best mate?
The girl who you've been
slagging off to us all night
is your best friend?
Oh, we're colleagues.
You're a lawyer?
- No. Do I look like a fucking lawyer?
- Okay. Look. Stop.
No, but Sam is a lawyer.
No, she isn't.
Yes, she is.
Well, she's not.
What's going on?
Are you actually being serious?
Did you just make everything up?
I didn't mean to.
Everything that you've told us tonight,
like Sean and your job, it's all a lie?
Yeah.
- You've been slagging me off all night?
- No.
- To these two?
- I didn't, I...
- What is going on with you?
- Sam said you're a right horrible bitch.
- You're a horrible bitch.
- I didn't say that.
- You did. She did.
- Why have you gotta get involved?
I'm sorry, Sam.
Am I somehow ruining this
otherwise perfect moment for you?
A lawyer? Really?
All right, I lied.
And no fucking wonder!
I'm just sick of all this shit.
Of all of this, of all of you!
Okay, just so that we're clear, now.
You're not coming to Paris.
Shut up, you don't own Paris.
I can go if I want.
- Yeah, but not with us.
- Well, you're not coming with us.
You know what, actually, Sam?
I think it's best
if you don't come to
the wedding. Sorry.
I don't want to go to your
stupid fucking wedding anyway.
And why are you speaking French?
You're not even French, you're English!
It doesn't make any sense! Ow!
Look, just calm down.
No, I won't fucking calm down!
Why should I?
Well, you've done all this.
You lied.
Why wouldn't I?
I've got a shitty little job.
I've got nothing that even
resembles a relationship.
While everyone else is either
successful, engaged, rich or happy.
Or at least has central fucking heating.
Most people have all of those things.
Like these two. With your hair.
And your clothes.
And your weird ludicrously
oversized rings.
Haemorrhoids on your hands,
worth billions of pounds probably.
I can't take it any more, Chanel.
I'm not living. I exist!
With you, who keeps
shagging everything.
Saskia, who is just a fucking mess.
And Paige.
What the fuck are you doing?
Just this.
Oh, God, I want to get out!
- So, what, you wanna be like this?
- Yes.
I wanna change, Chanel.
Instead of just wasting away.
I've seen these girls on Facebook.
Engaged to guys with
tans and T-shirts.
And every day I get status updates from
friends I once had, boys I once fucked.
People who've travelled the
world and found themselves.
And I could've been that.
Had I not made the wrong decision
at every fucking point in my life!
Instead I'm just left with
the depression of not having
a single clean pair of underwear and
no reason to do anything about it.
Ew...
Oh, fuck off! Just get out,
all of you. Go on, go.
Come on, let's go.
You have... You have no idea,
do you? Now fucking listen to me.
Your life is the way it is 'cause
that's the way you chose it to be.
- I didn't choose it.
- Yes, you did.
And the only people that have ever been
there for you, you've just sent away!
Well, I'm done. You're on
your own. Well done, Sam.
Lord have mercy.
Hey. Hey, honey.
Oh. Yeah. How are you?
Yeah, I'm calling because
I'm ready to do that
thing that you want.
You ready?
Oh! Okay, okay.
Well...
I've been thinking about you,
and your big dick,
and what I want to do to you...
And that is...
I'm going to tie you
up, on a chair,
in the living room, you know
that wooden one that...
Yeah, yeah, and then I'm going to
just come into the living room
and I'm gonna get all
wet and... Am I wet?
What?
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm wet now, baby.
Yeah, I'm really, really all wet.
I'm just dripping.
It's, yeah...
Okay, then...
I'm gonna just take
off all my clothes,
and touch it. Yeah.
Oh, baby, I'm so horny
right now. I'm so horny.
I'm just...
Honey? Actually, you know what?
No, I'm gonna take
you off the chair.
I just think that that's gonna
be really uncomfortable.
I'm gonna just start
having sex at you.
With you.
With you. With you.
And I'm gonna feel my boobs!
Oh, yeah, that's good, that's good.
And I'm gonna...
move up and down.
And up.
And down.
And to the side and I'm just...
Kim?
Kim, is that you?
No?
Until you cum. Okay, I'll speak to
you later. Okay, bye. Bye, bye, bye.
Oh, fuck.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Good evening.
Mmm.
I got one.
There.
Thank you.
I've ruined my life.
Are you reading my thoughts?
You're all so full of shit,
do you know that?
My life is just absolute shit,
and you lot are just...
The big shit cherry on top of this huge
piece of shit cake. And you, just...
You're just on a comedown.
No.
It's not just tonight.
It's like...
Jesus.
I know you all think that I'm boring Paige
who doesn't know how to have fun.
Well, this isn't even fun.
My night would never end
like this with Bobby.
We watch films.
We play Crash Bandicoot
and we go to bed.
And I know that may not
sound fun, but it's great.
You're not boring, Paige.
You're the one of us who's sorted.
Got a great job. Got Bobby.
You don't need to be running
around getting fucked up.
And I've ruined all of that now.
- No, you haven't.
- I have.
Oh, come here.
You've done nothing wrong.
You got fucked up.
Did something you regret.
Fucking hell, welcome to life.
You and Bobby are strong enough
to weather a tiny mistake.
Yeah, you're right.
My life, on the other hand...
You've properly fucked that one up.
Chanel's never going
to speak to you again.
Thank you, Paige, I know.
Were you really gonna go
to Paris with them girls?
Well, yeah, I wanted to.
You just robbed my fucking
drink, you scabby bitch!
Er, no.
Don't fucking lie to me. Get up!
Get up!
Hey, no. She didn't drink the
drink, okay? I drank the drink.
Get up! And is that my fucking
lighter in your hand?
Listen, all right?
I'm sorry about your drink,
all right? I can explain.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go get help.
Can you hear me?
You've got period on your trousers.
You literally serve no purpose.
Oh, fucking hell.
Thank you.
Hello, Mike? Hello?
What's up?
Stop shouting at me. Speak.
She's not my daughter,
she's our daughter.
You're calling me because she's crying?
What do you want me to do?
It's 2:00 a.m.
Why is she even still up?
Have you read her the...
Have you read her the rabbit book?
I can't do everything
all the time, Mike.
No, no, no, don't put...
Please don't put her...
Hi, baby. Oh, baby.
Why are you crying?
Well, Daddy's not angry, he's just tired.
Has he read you the rabbit book?
Well, tell him to read
you the rabbit book.
No, no, okay, pass me on to Daddy,
baby. You have to go to bed.
Pass me on... Kyla, pass...
Thank you. Right.
I have asked you for
two days, Mike. Two days.
I haven't been out of
the house in years.
Well, read her the
fucking rabbit book!
Oh, really? Fine, then.
I'll be back tomorrow and I will
help you fucking pack, asshole!
And we're back. Lie down. Chill out.
Be happy, cool and relax.
Relax. Stop talking to yourself.
She was here. I think she's gone.
Shit. Do you think
she'll be all right?
Come on.
Are you all right?
No.
Come here, baby.
He has a boyfriend.
Why didn't he tell
me he liked boys?
Because he's a
dickhead, that's why.
And he let me talk
to him all night.
I made such a fool out of myself.
No, you haven't. No, he's the one
that should feel like a fool.
Listen to your friend.
If you were his boyfriend and he was
in a club talking to a girl like that...
You don't want to be
with someone like that.
You deserve so much better.
Okay?
- I guess you're right.
- I am right, okay?
- Sorry.
- Excuse me, please.
Stop your crying.
I'm not crying.
Well, stop the water from
running out your eyes, then.
Sort your makeup out. It's a bit...
Let's just have a good
night together, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah? No more kissing, or crying.
Just you, me, alcohol? Yeah?
And we can request Rihanna to the DJ,
and we could do the dance routine
we've been practising, 'cause
we were practising that?
Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
Well, come on, then, bitch,
let's go dance, yeah?
Okay.
You're such a bitch. Such a bitch.
She enjoys being miserable.
Dickhead!
Chanel, Sam's best mate.
Liar.
And the only people that have ever been
there for you, you've just sent away!
- Well, I'm done.
- Dickhead!
And we could do the dance
routine we've been practising.
We don't have any fun
as a group any more.
Oh, fuck.
Thank you. Have a good night.
Did you see that guy in the front?
I don't know, but baby, I been told
People like you make
people like me feel old
I don't mind,
but darling, that's okay
'Cause girls like you make
chicks like me feel great
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some love
Some love, some love
I don't know,
but darling, it's been said
That kids like you wish
cats like me were dead
I don't mind,
but darling, it's all right
'Cause people like you
make people like me
Sleep at night
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some love
- Someone show me some
- Some love
Someone show me some
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some
Someone show me some
Someone show me
- Someone show me some love
- Show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Man, I'm sick of this
- Man, I'm sick of this
- Someone show me some
Someone show me some
Someone show me some love
All right, ladies, see you
again next week, yeah?
Not a fucking chance, mate.
- Hello.
- Ooh.
Aw, look at you. Oh, my God. It's
been forever. How are you doing?
No. I'm good. You look amazing.
Sam, this is Jess, my friend
from Paris. She came over with me.
Mmm.
Shit!
- You all right?
- Yes.
No.
- I actually think I'm making it worse.
- Just say it's woman's problems.
That's so much worse
than wine though.
Just say it's wine.
- It is.
- Yeah.
- So, do you come here often?
- No. No, not really.
I've only been here once before.
I always thought it was a bit posh.
- A bit of a dive?
- Dive. Posh dive.
- It's a confusing concept for a club.
- Hmm.
Is it much different here to Paris?
Yeah.
I'm freezing.
Maybe you just need
some food inside you.
- Go on. Next move.
- Rub the nipples!
You're wearing your "fuck me"
boots tonight then, Sam.
No, they're tiny. They're
more like "finger me" boots.
See, I told you she was funny.
You know, she talks about you all the
time, about when you were in college.
Oh, really?
"Me and Sam did this.
Me and Sam did that."
She told me about the time that you drank
too much Guinness and shat yourself.
That's just too funny.
Do you remember that?
And everyone called you "shit girl".
- Nobody called me that.
- Yeah, they did.
- Well, that's very clever wordplay.
- Aw.
I haven't shat myself since,
so... Whoo-hoo.
Eight years clean.
Rarr! Rarr!
Oh, my God. Let's get a photo.
So, what have you been
up to in Paris then?
Um, just working mainly.
- It's something to do with fashion, is it?
- Yeah, we run an online fashion blog.
Cor. That sounds great.
Oh.
And I got engaged.
- Oh, my God! To Marcel?
- Yeah.
Is it? Yeah. Oh! Amazing!
Yeah. It's massive.
The same designer that did mine.
So creative, it's unique, it's like...
It's like art. Don't you think?
You're engaged too?
No, I'm married. Yeah, with a
little girl, Kyla. She's three.
- She is so sweet.
- You have a kid?
You look...
I left her in Paris with her father, who's
probably spoiling her rotten by now.
He's amazing like that.
Just amazing.
- So, when is it you're getting married?
- In March.
- Wow. That's in a month.
- I know.
We've just been rushing round like
maniacs, really, trying to get it ready.
He's so obsessed
with her, it's so cute.
- He's not obsessed with me.
- He is obsessed with you.
Oui, oui.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me hide
my bag. I had this one last week.
Text it to Sam.
Obviously.
So, Sam, tell us about you.
What have you been up to?
Uh...
Ooh, fill me in on the
whole lawyer thing.
What "lawyer thing"?
Didn't you do a law
conversion after college?
Yeah. No, sorry. Of course.
Yeah, that is kinda what I do.
Wow. That's really impressive.
- See, I told you she was smart.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
So what kind of law do you do?
Divorces. Divorce law.
- Right.
- Irreconcilable differences.
Splitting up assets. Pre-nups.
That kind of thing.
- God, that sounds a bit depressing.
- No. No, I'm not depressed.
No. I just mean being on such
a negative side of things.
Yeah, I'm not depressed though.
So what does it entail exactly?
Erm...
Well, a lot of long hours
as you can imagine.
With all the cases
and clients and...
Little cards. Little
business cards.
Really good. So, does
that not make it, like,
really hard though with the long hours
to, uh, find somebody for yourself?
No. Not at all, actually.
Ooh, tell us more, tell us more.
Well, I am with someone.
Oh, don't you look nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Has she got any ID?
- She's 23.
- Don't look a day over 17 to me.
Mate, she's 23, for fuck's sake.
All right, love, step aside.
You're getting searched.
Oi, is that the purse I got
Mum for Christmas?
- Yeah. She didn't want it.
- You didn't give it to her, did you?
Don't ask me to wrap
the presents then.
Lesbian.
All right, just get in.
You're holding everything up.
Saskia.
Come on!
Yeah. We're actually really relaxed
about it. Not really relaxed.
I mean, we're actually
looking at moving in.
Oh, wow.
- Yes.
- What's his name?
Sean.
- Sorry. What?
- Sean!
Can you show us a photo of him?
Go on, show us some photos of him.
No, I don't have any.
- What about on Facebook?
- Yeah, show us those.
Okay.
Okay. Jean-Raphael just sent us the
money for the festive photo shoot.
All of it?
18,000 euros.
I mean, we usually do
it for double, but...
Sorry, Sam. That is so rude. No
more business stuff for the night.
Have you found him?
Oh, wow. He's really cute.
Oh, he's gorgeous!
Well done, woman.
I bet he's good in bed. Right?
You know what? I might just... I'm
just gonna send him a quick text.
Okay. We'll be on the dance floor. We'll
go by the DJ booth so you can find us.
- Great. Okay.
- All right? See you in a minute.
Okay, so I'm in.
I'm just in the toilets now.
Oh, my God, they let you through!
I was, like, "They're not
gonna let her through".
Then I was like, "Do I come out?"
No. I gave the bouncer
my sister's ID,
and he was like, "It doesn't really
look like you, but whatever".
Okay, right. So, if you didn't
know me, how old do I look?
- Um, I'd say 18 definitely. Yeah.
- Okay.
A bit more make-up?
Yeah. I think a bit, yeah.
What do I need?
Definitely lip gloss.
Yeah. And, like, more eyeliner.
'Cause that makes us look well older.
Okay. Um, so drinks?
What do we drink?
- White wine spritzer and lemonade.
- Does that get you drunk?
Yeah, it's what my sister drinks and
she's drunk, like, all the time.
Fine, okay. Um,
so let's just act cool.
Yeah. I'm cool.
Oh. You order the drinks
'cause you have ID.
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing here?
Oh, my God! What are
you lot doing here?
- I thought you was with a friend?
- Yeah, yeah. Why are you here?
Bar guy said he'd get us
guest list if I pulled his pint.
He's a creep.
Oh, well, you're welcome
for the free drinks.
I didn't want this drink anyway.
Why didn't you get me the
Irish Cream like I asked for?
Because that shit curdles, man.
And you're not 60.
So? Sam, they wouldn't even
get me an Irish Cream.
That's not a bad thing.
Sweetheart, that bar guy is
potentially the love of my life.
I'm not going to walk up and
order an Irish fucking Cream.
The potential love. These men
are not lovers, you know.
Well, what then?
Some guy we went to school with wanked
on your leg, that's not love, Chanel.
I'm not talking about
him specifically.
So how's it going?
- Saskia, what are you actually doing?
- Ey?
Greasy fringe.
I am gonna ruin these men tonight.
Physically and financially.
Why don't you hang out with us
for a change? You might have fun.
- All right, you probably won't have fun.
- I'm dying for a piss.
Just be nice to him, Chanel, 'cause
I only came out with, like, a fiver.
Why are you on a night
out with a fiver?
Because I usually get my
drinks bought for me.
Don't hate me because I'm pretty.
It's not because you're pretty.
It's because you are the epitome
of why women have such a bad name.
You single-handedly bring down the
entire average in expectation.
- But I get pissed for free.
- Uh.
And, to be fair, I did
get all these for free.
Guys, am I a normal colour?
You look like an FHM throwback.
Aw, thanks.
Shit. I'm shiny.
Why are we all standing about
taking pictures of ourselves?
Paige. Mirrors and photos are different.
I do my make-up according to photos.
What, this night is going
to last, like, five hours?
Facebook lasts forever.
Babe, we should come here more often.
This is riddled with hot sausage.
- This place is a dive.
- Put this on me.
Yeah. Anyway I'm not gonna sleep
with some randomer I meet in a club.
- There's your problem in a nutshell.
- What problem?
Well, it's been ages
since you last had sex.
I mean, you do realise
that people have changed
the way sex is done since
you were last involved.
You're done. I'm gonna have
to get back out there.
So, see yous in a bit, all right.
We'll come over and say, "Hi".
Really don't.
It's just that Michelle's
got this friend with her
and she's odd.
She's horrible,
honestly, total bitch.
So don't bother. I'll just
see you in a bit. Okay?
- We can come save you, if you need us to?
- No. It's fine. It's only one night, innit?
I'll come speak to yous
in a bit though, okay?
- Okay, you good?
- Yes. I'm fine. See you in a bit.
- She ain't all right, is she?
- No.
How can we cheer her up?
We can't. She doesn't
want to be cheered up.
To be fair, she has
been through it lately.
I'm not saying she hasn't. I'm just
saying she's really negative now.
- Starting to think she really enjoys it.
- I think she's depressed.
Oh, you think? Look, all we can
do is just be there for her.
Right. Enough.
Let's get back out there.
Er, drink, smoke, dance?
No, we can't bring our
drinks out with us though.
- Smoke, drink, dance?
- Yep.
Yep!
Dylan keeps going on
about fucking phone sex.
Well, everyone has a thing, I suppose.
Has he never mentioned it before now?
No, it's not his...
You know, I just...
Because I work away
a lot, he keeps calling,
and then he's like, "Hey, baby,
let's talk dirty", you know.
"What do you wanna do?"
Well, just... I don't know. Tell
him what you wanna do. I guess?
Get off the phone?
See, this is what I mean. I'm not
that kind of person. I can't...
I can't do it.
Can you help my friend
talk dirty to her husband?
This really isn't my forte.
Well, um, I dunno. Just talk
about what you do usually.
Bare minimum.
Have you ever done it?
I did it once. It was a
long time ago though.
See? It's fine.
Just start slowly and creatively.
Exaggerate, you know.
Say something like,
"I've been thinking about you and your
massive cock and what I'm gonna do to you".
Ugh. No, no, no.
I can't say that, no.
And then you could
say something like,
"You make me so horny.
"Thinking about you makes me so wet.
I just love the way you fuck me".
And then you could go onto
something harder like,
"I'm gonna tie you down and sit on your
face till I'm about to cum all over you.
"I'm gonna sit on your big hard cock
until you're begging me to make you cum
"but I won't, 'cause I'm a bad, bad
girl who needs to be taught a lesson".
Or just get drunk and do it,
that way you have an excuse.
You'll be fine.
- Wow.
- That's amazing.
Good luck.
Shit.
You're such a bitch.
It could have been anyone.
Let's just relax and stop talking to
yourself, because that's not helping.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Fine.
Sorry, I thought I had something in my eye,
but it's just my eyeball, so, good news.
Oh, well, let me look at it.
I did two months of med school.
- Oh, no, no. It's nothing. I'm good now.
- No, really, you're in good hands.
- Have you got our drinks?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, you do not know
what happened to us at the bar.
Oh, my God. These girls literally just
came up and started drinking our drinks.
Ooh.
- Is that better?
- Mmm-hmm. Thanks.
It's called minesweeping.
It's basically people go
around trying to steal
someone else's drink
without them noticing.
My friends used to do
it back in the day.
Yeah, but these girls were our age.
I mean, surely you can afford
your own drinks by now.
Yeah. If nothing else.
Sorry, hon? I think you
need to sort yourself out.
Oh, no, it's wine.
Okay.
I forgot how scummy
people are around here.
Like, are these girls, like...
Just like... Just, "What?"
- I knew you'd hate it.
- No, I don't. It's just the clientele.
Well, now you see why I moved.
Yeah. Totally. I mean, it's like,
"What are we doing here?" You know?
Yeah.
- Did you see her though?
- Shit. Oh, shit.
- What is she doing?
- Maybe she didn't even know it was Chanel.
Of course she did. And even if she didn't,
why is she acting like such a bitch?
Those are the girls. We should
go over and spill their drinks!
I don't know what the fuck
is wrong with her lately.
I've tried to be nice, but she's
making it so hard for me to care.
This is what I'm saying.
Une cigareet?
It's like she's in self-destruct mode.
She enjoys being miserable.
- What's up?
- Nothing. Just everything.
Chanel pisses me off, man.
She's only brought us to this club so
she can hang out with the bar guy,
and now she's getting off with someone
else so there was no point whatsoever.
Look, we can go somewhere
else, if you want.
We don't have to hang
out with your sister.
No, we're getting free
drinks from the bar.
Well, yeah?
I've been looking forward to tonight
all week as well, you know?
It's the same every time we go out.
It's just boys, boys, boys
until Sam wants to go home.
Usually after about half an hour.
There's no fun any more. We don't have
any fun as a group any more. I miss it.
Well, I'm not doing anything
tomorrow. I'll have fun with you.
- Yeah. You're not fun, Paige.
- Thanks.
Darling, are you all right?
I have some poo-poo
pills, if you need them?
I don't mean it in a horrible way.
You're always with Bobby, or your family.
Watching box-sets, and eating food.
Fine, we'll do whatever you want
to do. What do you wanna do?
Okay.
I've got some MDMA in
here from last week.
Yeah, all right. We'll do
that then, if you must.
Come here.
Finally.
- Une cigareet.
- What?
- No. That's not a good idea.
- That is because you've never taken it.
If you had, you would know that it's
probably the best idea anyone's ever had.
- Paige, seriously.
- No.
Oh, come on! You've been with
the same bloke for, what,
like, eight years, or some shit.
Three.
You've been with the
same guy for five years
- and you've never taken any drugs.
- Three.
I don't know how you've
done it. You deserve it.
All right. What will it do?
It will just make you really happy
and just feel in love with everyone.
No. Nope. I'm not becoming Chanel.
Look, I'll only give you a bit. You'll
be in complete control. I promise.
- All right. But you can't leave me though.
- Oh, my God! You're gonna do it!
Yes! Aw! I love you, Paige.
Come on, it's okay.
You can handle this. It's fine.
It's only one night.
Happy. Happy,
happy thoughts. Come on.
Oh, God.
Oh, for...
Don't worry, no one saw.
- You saw.
- Yeah, I did. You should feel ashamed.
You having a good night?
- Er, yeah.
- That means no.
- I said yes.
- You said, "Um, yeah", but you meant no.
- How about you? Good night?
- No. Not really.
I mean, I liked your whole toilet
roll dance, that was good.
But apart from that,
no, not a good night.
We should compare notes. Why are
you having such a bad night?
Er, I'm not having a bad
night as such. It's just...
You're just sitting alone, talking
to yourself, chain smoking.
Ah, yeah, like all
the great nights.
It's my thing. This happened.
Oh, my God.
You got shot in the arse?
That would put a downer on things.
I remember the night I got shot.
It was proper shit after that.
This small one's for you.
Just put it right at the back of your
throat and wash it back quick, okay.
God, that's disgusting.
Paige Burger, you naughty girl.
Let's go dance!
- Why are you having a bad night?
- Oh, no. My night is awful.
I mean, first of all, I'm out with work
mates, which is never a good start.
Plus, I'm in a nightclub,
which I just hate.
This place is such a dive.
No. I hate all nightclubs.
The whole dancing thing.
- I can't dance.
- Right.
And if you stand still
on the dance floor,
as a bloke, you just look
like a sexual predator.
And also, I can't drink.
I just never learned
how to handle it.
So, my all-round emasculation
and awkwardness combined
means that no, I'm not
having a good night.
You look really familiar.
I don't know why.
I'm being serious here. It's
not me trying to chat you up.
- I mean, all the rest was.
- What, that was your chat up?
I'm giving you gold here.
Was it from in here? Not tonight,
I mean, like, another night.
Boom. I know who you are.
- Who?
- That caff on Smith Street.
You work there, right?
It was just that I tried
to have a conversation
with you once but you
weren't having it.
Sorry about that. I don't
work there any more.
No?
No. Look, I'm going to
have to get back inside.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to keep you from...
You didn't.
Sorry. Bye.
Sam.
- What you doing in here?
- Toilet. You all right?
Indeed I am. I love this place.
I think I've found the one.
He's got jeans, black shirt. But stay
away, 'cause he's prime to be mine.
All yours.
What happened to Mr Bar Guy, then?
I thought... That didn't last long.
It's not going to work out.
It all went a bit Adele.
So I moved on. And just as well 'cause
I think this guy's the one. I'm sure.
What's his name?
- Good.
- Well, what's in a name?
You know, to call a rose something else,
doesn't mean it wouldn't smell as sweet.
- Shakespeare.
- Not quite.
And he's a Leo. Regal.
- You did star signs? Really?
- Just 'cause you don't agree with it.
It's nature. It's earthly.
It's neither.
It's a complete crock of shit that you
talk about in order to appear earthly.
Typical cuntish Gemini.
What are you...
You don't shave at home?
Well, yeah, I do. But every few hours,
the stubble starts to grow back.
If I'm going to get lucky,
I'm gonna get smooth.
First of all, shagging that guy
is not called getting lucky,
that's called getting AIDS.
- And second of all...
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Sam, the ironic oracle of
love and relationships.
In fact, because you don't approve makes me
feel more confident that this might work.
What are you... No! Don't you dare!
Don't you shave that rat
in here! No! No way!
Razor away, now.
You don't need any
more fucking makeup.
He's only gonna lick it off anyway.
- Have you seen my bronzer?
- You're bright orange!
I don't want to sound
like a bitch or nothing,
but could you not
like stand so close?
Eh?
I just mean, if it looks
like I'm out with you...
Which you are.
Yeah, but then he might feel we
can't, like, talk, and kiss and that.
Oh, right. So, what? I just
stand in the club by myself?
- Well, you're not...
- No, no, great. No, no.
Yeah, and I'm not going to look
like a total weirdo or nothing.
No. People dance by
themselves all the time.
Yeah, Mel. Weirdoes.
- You all right?
- No. I haven't had a shit for days.
I thought if I had a cig it
might relax it, you know.
Move it or whatever. But nothing.
Swear to God. When did
I last have anal?
Tuesday. And nothing since.
Don't you think that
tells you something?
Like, I don't know, maybe your bum hole
isn't designed to have cock shoved up it?
What, you're telling me that
you've never had anal sex?
- No, I haven't.
- A sneaky finger?
- No!
- Liar.
I haven't!
What, you've never put your finger up
a dude's arse? They fucking love it.
Well, if they love it so much, they
can do it themselves, can't they?
Can we stop this, please?
God, did you see how old those
girls were? What, were they like 12?
Come on, we were coming to these
clubs when we were too young.
- We weren't that young.
- We were.
We just had these to
get us in everywhere.
You're welcome. Right, I'm off.
Come and say "Hi".
- Keep your knickers on.
- Not a chance.
Voil.
- Hi.
- Here she is.
Where have you been?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry, I was
just about to come over.
We got you this.
It's... It's a Pink Lady.
Dame Rose.
Cheers.
- It's champagne, gin and pamplemousse.
- Nice?
Uh-huh.
This is what we drink in Paris.
Sam, you would love it there.
- I've always wanted to go to Paris.
- Well, come. You should totally come.
And we could show you how
Parisians really rock it.
Oh, my God, I would
love that. Really?
Yes. And you can stay at my place.
I have an extra room.
Wow. Really?
And Mike totally wouldn't mind
because he's so amazing like that.
I could stay at your place, you know,
until I got set up or whatever, and then...
Set up for?
What about your job?
I could just try something
else for a little while.
- What about Sean?
- Really?
- You'd just pack up and leave like that?
- Well, yeah. Definitely. Why not?
Wow, you are such a nutter.
Fuck off!
Fuck off now!
I can't, I'm sorry.
This is too funny!
- Why did you tell me it was fancy dress?
- I didn't.
Yes, you did.
On the phone. You did!
I said dress fancy!
No, you didn't. Don't try... You didn't.
You said something about...
You said something about fancy dress and
I said about maybe coming as a baby.
Remember? And you
didn't say nothing.
I didn't know what you
were talking about.
Ugh!
What am I going to do now? Huh?
I look like a prick!
What?
It's not funny, all right.
But it is, though!
Well, if it's that funny,
swap clothes with me then.
No way!
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No.
Okay, what are you
wearing under that?
Nothing.
- No!
- Wait, wait.
The same thing happened to me.
People are drunk, they'll just
think you did it on purpose.
Come on.
- I'll buy you a drink.
- No! No! Just fuck off, man!
Jesus! You do my head in,
you know that?
Some mate you are.
Look. Here. Take this.
Thank you.
There. That's...
You can hardly tell now, it's...
Much better.
Sorry.
Ah, thanks for doing that.
Look, I'll get her some shots and
she'll be over it soon enough.
Yeah, no worries.
Give her a good night.
Ah, yeah, thanks. All right.
Mmm. It's nice. I ain't
got no change. Sorry.
Laura! Laura!
You are never gonna guess
what I've just been doing.
- Oh, I will.
- Oh, really? What?
I don't know, Chanel. You've been
pondering the purpose of existence.
No. The guy. I fucked him.
I know.
Yeah. But what you don't know is that I just
probably had the best sex I've ever had.
You left like four minutes ago.
All right, well,
not the absolute best.
He didn't quite finish,
he had to come back here.
Good.
- Do I still look like I've had sex?
- Yes, you do. Well done.
Ooh!
- What's got inside your arse?
- That is just not even a phrase.
- How's your mate doing?
- Yeah. Fine.
Look, I'm going to have
to get going, okay?
'Cause there's people in here
I'd rather not be in here with.
Yeah, me too,
by the looks of things.
He just said something about his
girlfriend being here tonight.
What? Who, the bloke?
That's what he said, yeah.
And you don't care?
- Well, I didn't cheat on anyone, did I?
- Chanel, are you for real?
You're that desperate you would sleep
with a bloke who's got a girlfriend?
That's you, is it?
I'm hardly desperate, and he
only mentioned it afterwards.
Sorry, wrong toilet. All right?
Look, Sam, if this is about Sean
again, I really cannot be bothered.
This is not about...
Fuck Sean. Please don't fuck Sean.
So, what? Is she here tonight,
is she? God, he sounds great.
Pretty average actually.
I just don't get you sometimes,
Chanel. I really don't.
Look, Sam, you dated someone,
it didn't work out. Shit happens.
I fucked in a bush. Life goes on.
Yeah. It's not about that,
Chanel. It's about you.
Don't you care what
people think about you?
Walking around with your arse hanging out?
Being fingered in some club...
With no regard for anyone.
All right, Sam. I've got
no regard for anyone?
I don't give a fuck what
people think of me.
At least I'm not walking around
thinking I'm something I'm not.
Who have you come as?
Maybe you should start giving
a fuck what people think.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend.
I'm not in the wrong.
You're turning into a right
bitch, you know that?
I need a wee.
Right. Fine. If I'm turning into a
bitch then... Fuck my life. Hello.
Sam, what are you doing in here?
Are you going to be here all bloody night?
Oh, my God, you would not
believe what we just saw.
That girl from before?
The one before, with the
bloke's hand in her knickers.
It was so bad. She was
stumbling everywhere.
- It was, like, her make-up all mushed.
- And stank of sex and regret.
- You have got to see it.
- You're going to laugh your head off.
I really can't believe the girls
in this town. It's so funny.
- It's so funny.
- Come on.
Oh, my God!
Here.
Thank you.
So, me and Jess were thinking,
if you're gonna be in Paris,
you should come to the wedding.
- Really?
- Yeah. I'd love for you to come.
That's incredible, thank you!
I can't believe this is actually
happening. Thank God you came back.
- Gonna powder my nose.
- Okay.
So do you speak any French?
Not really, just the basics.
You know, like my name.
Sam.
I can say that in any
language actually.
- Saskia, I need to sit down.
- Okay, sit down then.
- Can I have a lollipop, please?
- Mmm-mmm.
Angry lady, can I have
a lollipop, please?
Oi!
Eh-eh! Are you going
to pay for that?
No, I ain't got no money.
I don't know how to open...
No. You can keep it, Paige,
you're allowed to keep it.
Thank you.
Saskia.
Come sit with me.
Oh.
Saskia, I need a drink,
my mouth is well dry.
Ow! Paige. That's my hair.
Oh. Saskia, your hair is well soft.
Is it?
We never talk any more.
Yeah, we do, all the time.
Yeah, but we never
talk, like, proper.
Yeah. I know. We should.
Let's go into the toilet.
I'll get you up.
Maybe not just...
Spin that...
Oh, God.
How are you, lovely?
Fucked.
Yeah?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just checking on my boobs.
- Are they still hanging on in there?
- Yeah.
- You've got great tits.
- Oh, God, no, I haven't.
I think...
I think I have an inverted nipple.
- A what nipple?
- Inverted, it doesn't point out.
It's like erectile
dysfunction for nipples.
- Please let me see it, Paige.
- No.
Just let me look at it and I'll
tell you if it's inverted.
No, it's fine. It's just not hard.
Don't think anyone else has
seen my nipples but Bobby.
That's probably why they're inverted.
Come here, they just need some attention.
Don't you, little nipple?
You just need some love.
Look, it works if you poke it.
What about this?
Saskia, that tickles.
This is amazing. You gotta try it.
What?
Go on, you do it.
Just a little flick and lick.
Seriously?
Just come on. Just do it!
So he has this really amazing
collection of Art Deco pieces.
You have to be really careful
not to touch anything,
but you can stay, it's fine.
He's amazing.
Oh, my God! You're not gonna
believe what I just saw.
- What?
- What?
You know the girls that
stole the drinks earlier?
- Yeah.
- Well, they're having sex in the toilet.
What? Together?
Yeah, completely off their faces.
Just going for it in the cubicle.
That's so amazing!
Sorry. The tall girl with
the curly hair and T-shirt?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, they're chewing their
faces off, just having it.
- It's hilarious!
- That's so funny!
- Are you okay, Sam?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
- I'll get the cocktails in, okay?
- Okay.
- Scusi.
- Oh.
My boobs are squishing, stop.
What the fuck are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Get out!
Get out! Come on!
Get out now!
Both of you!
Sorry, Paige, I've gotta go.
What are you doing?
Paige?
- What is wrong with Paige?
- Paige loves MDMA!
Oh, my God, you're fucked. Look
at you. You're both fucked! Saskia!
She is not like you, Saskia.
This is Paige we're talking about.
You were supposed to be looking after her.
And what is her boyfriend gonna think?
Perfume?
Well done, you've read
the situation perfectly.
Now look what you've done.
Dickhead, she was fine!
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to take off.
- Good night, everyone?
- She is not fine!
What the fuck?
Don't you fucking touch
her, you sweaty cunt,
he's got a fucking girlfriend.
Slut!
Oh, just leave it, Sam.
I'm trying to help.
We don't need your help.
Yeah, I think you've done enough.
Look, why don't you just go
back to the Bitches of Eastwick
and leave us alone, yeah?
I just found these two...
cottaging.
Shut up!
Fucking hell.
Sean.
- Sam.
- Sam, we found him at the bar...
With his tongue down
some slag's throat.
Easy, Sean.
Chanel.
Well, go on then.
Excuse me, there are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
Go on.
Sam. I'm fucking sorry.
Oh, God, no.
I didn't... I know I should have
said something before now...
I just didn't think...
Excuse me. There are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
Shh. Okay. It's okay.
I just thought...
Fresh.
That you'd be fine.
No, I am fine. It's fine.
Honestly, please just go.
Uh...
No, you're not letting him
get away that easy, are you?
He was parading his mistress around
like he doesn't give a shit.
- Stop. Just stop.
- When were you going to tell her?
No.
This was a long time ago, love.
We haven't been together for,
like, a year or something.
What?
Excuse me, there are no men
allowed in the ladies' room.
We're not together any more.
Ask them.
Look, I'm gonna get out of here.
I don't know what Sam's told you, but...
Sam, I'm sorry.
So, he's not your boyfriend.
No, he's not.
- What?
- Sorry. Who are you?
Chanel, Sam's best mate.
What? This is your best mate?
The girl who you've been
slagging off to us all night
is your best friend?
Oh, we're colleagues.
You're a lawyer?
- No. Do I look like a fucking lawyer?
- Okay. Look. Stop.
No, but Sam is a lawyer.
No, she isn't.
Yes, she is.
Well, she's not.
What's going on?
Are you actually being serious?
Did you just make everything up?
I didn't mean to.
Everything that you've told us tonight,
like Sean and your job, it's all a lie?
Yeah.
- You've been slagging me off all night?
- No.
- To these two?
- I didn't, I...
- What is going on with you?
- Sam said you're a right horrible bitch.
- You're a horrible bitch.
- I didn't say that.
- You did. She did.
- Why have you gotta get involved?
I'm sorry, Sam.
Am I somehow ruining this
otherwise perfect moment for you?
A lawyer? Really?
All right, I lied.
And no fucking wonder!
I'm just sick of all this shit.
Of all of this, of all of you!
Okay, just so that we're clear, now.
You're not coming to Paris.
Shut up, you don't own Paris.
I can go if I want.
- Yeah, but not with us.
- Well, you're not coming with us.
You know what, actually, Sam?
I think it's best
if you don't come to
the wedding. Sorry.
I don't want to go to your
stupid fucking wedding anyway.
And why are you speaking French?
You're not even French, you're English!
It doesn't make any sense! Ow!
Look, just calm down.
No, I won't fucking calm down!
Why should I?
Well, you've done all this.
You lied.
Why wouldn't I?
I've got a shitty little job.
I've got nothing that even
resembles a relationship.
While everyone else is either
successful, engaged, rich or happy.
Or at least has central fucking heating.
Most people have all of those things.
Like these two. With your hair.
And your clothes.
And your weird ludicrously
oversized rings.
Haemorrhoids on your hands,
worth billions of pounds probably.
I can't take it any more, Chanel.
I'm not living. I exist!
With you, who keeps
shagging everything.
Saskia, who is just a fucking mess.
And Paige.
What the fuck are you doing?
Just this.
Oh, God, I want to get out!
- So, what, you wanna be like this?
- Yes.
I wanna change, Chanel.
Instead of just wasting away.
I've seen these girls on Facebook.
Engaged to guys with
tans and T-shirts.
And every day I get status updates from
friends I once had, boys I once fucked.
People who've travelled the
world and found themselves.
And I could've been that.
Had I not made the wrong decision
at every fucking point in my life!
Instead I'm just left with
the depression of not having
a single clean pair of underwear and
no reason to do anything about it.
Ew...
Oh, fuck off! Just get out,
all of you. Go on, go.
Come on, let's go.
You have... You have no idea,
do you? Now fucking listen to me.
Your life is the way it is 'cause
that's the way you chose it to be.
- I didn't choose it.
- Yes, you did.
And the only people that have ever been
there for you, you've just sent away!
Well, I'm done. You're on
your own. Well done, Sam.
Lord have mercy.
Hey. Hey, honey.
Oh. Yeah. How are you?
Yeah, I'm calling because
I'm ready to do that
thing that you want.
You ready?
Oh! Okay, okay.
Well...
I've been thinking about you,
and your big dick,
and what I want to do to you...
And that is...
I'm going to tie you
up, on a chair,
in the living room, you know
that wooden one that...
Yeah, yeah, and then I'm going to
just come into the living room
and I'm gonna get all
wet and... Am I wet?
What?
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm wet now, baby.
Yeah, I'm really, really all wet.
I'm just dripping.
It's, yeah...
Okay, then...
I'm gonna just take
off all my clothes,
and touch it. Yeah.
Oh, baby, I'm so horny
right now. I'm so horny.
I'm just...
Honey? Actually, you know what?
No, I'm gonna take
you off the chair.
I just think that that's gonna
be really uncomfortable.
I'm gonna just start
having sex at you.
With you.
With you. With you.
And I'm gonna feel my boobs!
Oh, yeah, that's good, that's good.
And I'm gonna...
move up and down.
And up.
And down.
And to the side and I'm just...
Kim?
Kim, is that you?
No?
Until you cum. Okay, I'll speak to
you later. Okay, bye. Bye, bye, bye.
Oh, fuck.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Good evening.
Mmm.
I got one.
There.
Thank you.
I've ruined my life.
Are you reading my thoughts?
You're all so full of shit,
do you know that?
My life is just absolute shit,
and you lot are just...
The big shit cherry on top of this huge
piece of shit cake. And you, just...
You're just on a comedown.
No.
It's not just tonight.
It's like...
Jesus.
I know you all think that I'm boring Paige
who doesn't know how to have fun.
Well, this isn't even fun.
My night would never end
like this with Bobby.
We watch films.
We play Crash Bandicoot
and we go to bed.
And I know that may not
sound fun, but it's great.
You're not boring, Paige.
You're the one of us who's sorted.
Got a great job. Got Bobby.
You don't need to be running
around getting fucked up.
And I've ruined all of that now.
- No, you haven't.
- I have.
Oh, come here.
You've done nothing wrong.
You got fucked up.
Did something you regret.
Fucking hell, welcome to life.
You and Bobby are strong enough
to weather a tiny mistake.
Yeah, you're right.
My life, on the other hand...
You've properly fucked that one up.
Chanel's never going
to speak to you again.
Thank you, Paige, I know.
Were you really gonna go
to Paris with them girls?
Well, yeah, I wanted to.
You just robbed my fucking
drink, you scabby bitch!
Er, no.
Don't fucking lie to me. Get up!
Get up!
Hey, no. She didn't drink the
drink, okay? I drank the drink.
Get up! And is that my fucking
lighter in your hand?
Listen, all right?
I'm sorry about your drink,
all right? I can explain.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go get help.
Can you hear me?
You've got period on your trousers.
You literally serve no purpose.
Oh, fucking hell.
Thank you.
Hello, Mike? Hello?
What's up?
Stop shouting at me. Speak.
She's not my daughter,
she's our daughter.
You're calling me because she's crying?
What do you want me to do?
It's 2:00 a.m.
Why is she even still up?
Have you read her the...
Have you read her the rabbit book?
I can't do everything
all the time, Mike.
No, no, no, don't put...
Please don't put her...
Hi, baby. Oh, baby.
Why are you crying?
Well, Daddy's not angry, he's just tired.
Has he read you the rabbit book?
Well, tell him to read
you the rabbit book.
No, no, okay, pass me on to Daddy,
baby. You have to go to bed.
Pass me on... Kyla, pass...
Thank you. Right.
I have asked you for
two days, Mike. Two days.
I haven't been out of
the house in years.
Well, read her the
fucking rabbit book!
Oh, really? Fine, then.
I'll be back tomorrow and I will
help you fucking pack, asshole!
And we're back. Lie down. Chill out.
Be happy, cool and relax.
Relax. Stop talking to yourself.
She was here. I think she's gone.
Shit. Do you think
she'll be all right?
Come on.
Are you all right?
No.
Come here, baby.
He has a boyfriend.
Why didn't he tell
me he liked boys?
Because he's a
dickhead, that's why.
And he let me talk
to him all night.
I made such a fool out of myself.
No, you haven't. No, he's the one
that should feel like a fool.
Listen to your friend.
If you were his boyfriend and he was
in a club talking to a girl like that...
You don't want to be
with someone like that.
You deserve so much better.
Okay?
- I guess you're right.
- I am right, okay?
- Sorry.
- Excuse me, please.
Stop your crying.
I'm not crying.
Well, stop the water from
running out your eyes, then.
Sort your makeup out. It's a bit...
Let's just have a good
night together, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah? No more kissing, or crying.
Just you, me, alcohol? Yeah?
And we can request Rihanna to the DJ,
and we could do the dance routine
we've been practising, 'cause
we were practising that?
Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
Well, come on, then, bitch,
let's go dance, yeah?
Okay.
You're such a bitch. Such a bitch.
She enjoys being miserable.
Dickhead!
Chanel, Sam's best mate.
Liar.
And the only people that have ever been
there for you, you've just sent away!
- Well, I'm done.
- Dickhead!
And we could do the dance
routine we've been practising.
We don't have any fun
as a group any more.
Oh, fuck.
Thank you. Have a good night.
Did you see that guy in the front?
I don't know, but baby, I been told
People like you make
people like me feel old
I don't mind,
but darling, that's okay
'Cause girls like you make
chicks like me feel great
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some love
Some love, some love
I don't know,
but darling, it's been said
That kids like you wish
cats like me were dead
I don't mind,
but darling, it's all right
'Cause people like you
make people like me
Sleep at night
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some love
- Someone show me some
- Some love
Someone show me some
Someone show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Show me some
Someone show me some
Someone show me
- Someone show me some love
- Show me some love
Someone show me some love
Man, I'm sick of this stuff
Man, I'm sick of this
- Man, I'm sick of this
- Someone show me some
Someone show me some
Someone show me some love
All right, ladies, see you
again next week, yeah?
Not a fucking chance, mate.