Practically Married (2025) Movie Script

1
And that is
how babies are made.
Dad,
tell me this isn't real life.
Your mom's a doctor.
She knows how these things work.
Dad, don't act so innocent.
It takes two to tango.
You mean our neighbors
Mr. Ted and Ms. Christy
did that?
Oh, gosh.
Aunt Marie and Uncle Tom?
Can you imagine, Luce?
Girls, one day,
you'll understand.
And you won't feel so gross
or yuck about it.
I don't want to get married
and do the nasty stuff. Ew!
Well, you may like nasty
when you're older...
with the right guys, of course.
I'm gonna have babies with Lucy.
We are best friends
and sisters anyways.
Sweetie,
that's not how it works.
You can't have children
with your sister.
That's very, very wrong.
Yeah. Me and Sam
are gonna make our own rules
and have kids without a boy.
Boys have cooties anyways. Duh.
Yeah! Sister parents!
What's better than that?
Let's get married together.
Well, that's not how I planned
this conversation to go.
Do you have anything
to add, dear?
Dear.
Uh, no.
I'm good.
- Hello?
- Hey, Lucy, it's Billy.
I'm running a few minutes late
to the park.
Sorry about that.
I just got here myself.
Sorry. What did you say?
All I can hear
is some gangsta rap music
in the background.
Houston, Texas.
Well, you know,
it's Christmas time.
Some people will be starting
that ho-ho-ho a little early.
Pretty cool
you're letting our first date
be a workout in the park.
I'll go easy on you this round.
We'll see about that.
La, la, la, la, la, la
Deck me out
with Christmas cheer
'Cause Santa's watching
so we gotta
Much better.
Oh, uh...
Hello?
Hi.
Okay, I see you.
Oh. You're here?
No, I don't see you.
Yeah, no, I'm looking for you.
Youza gentleman
but, bae, you so damn hot
Bring on that rated-R shit
Steal my heart
like a lawless bandit
Work my body till I can't
withstand it, you can beat it
Like Boom da Boom da Eyyyy,
Boom da Boom da Eyyyy
Gimme fever
till I'm turning red now
Light my fire
right on da bed, wow
If you feelin
whats in my head now
Boom da boom da eyyyy
I like the handlebars
you have up there.
Oh. Thanks.
I think it's
a little cold outside.
Yeah, it would, like --
It would appear so.
I think we had, like,
a weather change or something.
That's okay.
We can warm you up later.
So you want to go run
or something?
If you can keep up.
Hey. I'm here.
Took you long enough. Rob?
Oh, yeah.
Okay. You look a little --
a little different
than your profile picture.
Ah. I lightened the hair
a little bit.
You know, the brunette was a
little harsh for my complexion.
Definitely a different look
for you.
Yeah, uh, you know,
I took that picture
a few months back.
-A few months?
-Yeah.
I might have put on
a little bit of weight,
but, you know, it's easy
for me to take off.
Ready to order?
Thank you so much
for coming to this place.
It's actually my friend's.
They just opened it.
Mm, no problem.
Just not sure what's good
to eat here, though.
No, every-- everything's good.
Yeah. Yeah.
-Like what?
-It's delish. Oh.
for one, it's my favorite. I
mean, I'm kind of a pasta-holic,
but fettuccine alfredo.
-I'll be getting that one.
-Wow.
Do you know how many calories
are in that thing?
It's the lunch portion.
I know. You'd think
it'd be less, but nope.
Mm. I usually
don't count calories
on a date or...a blind date.
Oh, okay. So sorry.
Get whatever fatty thing
you like, then.
No judgment here. You know, if
you want to pack on the weight
like I did, be my guest.
Santa and his Mrs. Claus.
One step closer to Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ah, nice little visual.
Thank you.
But don't you girls
just go to the bathroom
and throw it up
afterwards anyway?
-What?
-You know, bleh!
Bulimia is really
not my -- my thing.
Oh. Alright.
I've dated other fat chicks
beside you.
No judgment here.
Um...
So I guess that's a no
on the artichoke dip?
I'll just stick to lettuce.
Come on, pussy.
I tell you what.
I won't call you a dick
if you don't call me a pussy.
I'm not one of your
fucking guy friends.
Whatever.
I'll just call you crazy.
So dramatic, just like my ex.
Psychopath.
You want to see psychopath?
-I'll show you psychopath.
-Come on.
Careful! Look out!
Are your kids okay?
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
This is so embarrassing.
It hurts.
-Are y'all okay?
-Yeah, we're okay.
Yeah, Mom. We're fine.
Didn't feel a thing.
-See? They're fine.
-They're champs.
But is he gonna be okay, though?
I think I need an ambulance.
Hey, are you okay?
What hurts?
Billy, do you want to get up
and, you know, maybe show us?
Can you help me up?
Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, lady,
your kids should have been
paying attention to me.
You were running backwards.
You know what? You're right.
I will make sure that they learn
their lesson next time.
There shouldn't be a next time.
Stupid kids.
Learn about birth control.
How dare you say that to her.
Clearly you hit your head
a little too hard.
I didn't hit my head,
and I was talking to you.
So, are you going to show us
where it hurt or what, crybaby?
Yeah, I can show you.
See? Right there.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
That's awful.
It's -- It's a scratch.
-Oh, wait. I can't see it.
-It hurts.
See what you kids did?
We can't be responsible
for that.
Oh, you mean the tattoo?
-Yeah.
-Isn't it awesome?
That tattoo
is a powerful tattoo.
You don't like it?
I mean, is it permanent
or more like, you know, henna
-gone in a week or two?
-It's permanent.
You have to keep that
on you forever?
Yeah,
that's what permanent means.
You should probably
get that removed.
Yeah.
Maybe a little magic eraser
can fix something.
No, I don't think
anything can fix that.
I can't help it if you kids
don't have good taste in art.
We have good taste,
-but that's just bad.
-Bad.
-Idiots.
-What they said.
Please. You're nothing but
a grown man crybaby
over some little scratch.
This scratch isn't little.
It's big, and it hurts.
Crybaby, crybaby, cry --
Okay, kids. Alright.
Stop making fun
of the sensitive man.
Crybaby, crybaby, cry --
Y'all are just
a bunch of bullies.
So you're not gonna
call the ambulance?
I think you need more than that.
Mm, yeah,
I think we're gonna go now.
Good luck with that.
They just called me a crybaby.
I don't know.
-No!
-Okay.
Let it out.
You ready for dessert?
I would love some dessert.
I'm done. This is --
Mm-hmm. I'm ready.
What'd you have in mind?
Oh, just like cheesecake,
creme brle.
-Oh, yeah.
-Anything with some
just sweetness to it. Just --
Yeah. That'd be great.
That'd be great.
Yeah. Great. I just have to
be at church in the morning,
you know, be there on time.
Oh, no, no, no, of course.
I eat my dessert so fast.
-So delish. So, yeah.
-I bet you do. I bet you do.
Yeah, you'll be fine, 'cause
church is in the morning, and,
yeah, we have all day.
It's lunch.
Yeah, well, you know,
church girl like yourself,
you gotta keep Sunday open
to cleanse the sins.
Mm. Yeah.
Um, not exactly a church girl,
to be honest with you.
I mean, no offense or anything.
I just don't pile on them sins
and stuff like that.
Yeah. I just, you know,
I pray regularly every day.
-Every night.
-I bet you do regularly.
I bet you pray long and hard,
hmm?
-Mm-hmm?
-Yeah, actually I just
pray softly to myself.
Yeah, well, I can fix that.
Can I get you guys
anything else?
-Oh, yes, please.
-No, no.
The dessert menu
would be great.
Check, please.
Okay.
You're gonna love
my bourbon balls.
-No.
-Mm.
Ah.
You know, I just remembered
that my -- my uncle's
cousin's cat,
I have to wash tonight.
-Yeah.
-Ah. You gotta wash that -- Mm.
Yeah. Yeah. Like --
-Yeah.
-You gotta wash the cat.
Just a little scrub.
Ohh, don't do that.
-Just a little one.
-We're still in a restaurant.
-Stop it.
-Yeah.
Okay.
Listen, Rob.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
go back with you
-for dessert.
-Why?
Because I'm kind of
like a church girl
in the sense that I just --
I don't sleep with someone
on the first date,
and that's really
the -- the reason.
That's hilarious. We both know
church girls aren't like that.
Yeah, it's gonna end here, Rob.
Like, completely. So, um --
Listen, we don't have to
have sex, Samantha.
Okay. Yeah.
No, we don't. We don't.
-And we won't. We won't.
-You have very nice feet.
Do I? You know, I'm sure
that you have nice feet
under your socks.
Yeah, I have some foot games
that we can play.
-I bet you do.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Bypass the full-blown sex.
No, no, Rob.
-Very, very sexy.
-Have a nice life, Rob.
-Please. Please.
-We don't have to use
-the whole foot.
-Never call me again.
Millennial.
Probably gonna go jam out
to some Taylor Swift
in your car.
Did he just talk shit
about Tay Tay Swift?
Fucking asshole.
Coulda been friends if
you talked nice 'bout Swift
But now I lost my attraction,
ya get my drift?
So if you can't keep
with the best of the best
I'm choosing Tay Tay Swift
over you
Don't forget your fucking
diapers on the way out! Fuck.
Please don't tell me ya never
listened to her lyrics
Nah nah eyy
nah nah nah nah nah eyy
You, too?
Yeah. Just when I thought
dating couldn't get any worse,
it does.
Worse than the throw up guy
last month?
Eh.
Even keel,
maybe about the same.
What is on your shirt?
Yeah. Mm.
Oh, yeah.
It's a new fragrance I'm trying.
It's called man snot and tears.
Oh.
Yeah, well, uh,
I was legit catfished.
I had a Santa look-alike
that wanted to fuck
my toes all night.
I had to deal with a boy
with mommy issues.
Well, my date threw Jesus
into the mix.
I don't think I'll ever
look at clowns the same.
Looks like I'm gonna get my,
um, new Google number.
Yeah, I gotta change mine, too.
I mean, it's probably
like my fifth one this year.
Does Google flag us for that?
Honestly,
I just don't even know.
So...
What are we gonna do tonight?
Youza trouble maker,
youza trouble trouble maker
Youza trouble maker
Who sings this?
-Maker, youza trouble maker
-I think her name's
like Sara or something.
-Can't deal with it Really?
-Alavi maybe?
-Really?
-Is it Alavi?
I don't know. I think I heard it
on the radio one time.
Um, can't handle your liquor?
We're in our pajamas at 9:00.
We had a long day.
We were in our pajamas
twice last week
at 7:30 and once at 6:00, so...
Maybe it happens more often.
I think we just
need to get laid.
It's been years.
I rather wear a chastity belt
than have any of those guys
near my holy grail.
I'd rather eat my vomit
and lick the toilet
than have any of those guys
the past five years.
Damn my situation.
Mm.
You know,
some guys are into that.
Know what, sis?
I know we're tired, but...
I just want to tell you.
If I have to go through
all this dating B.S.,
I'm glad it's with you.
Aww!
That's so sis-mantic.
Love you.
I just hope
our eggs don't get old.
No.
No, no, no, no, no. No,
that's, like, completely a myth.
You know that? Yeah.
Because, I mean, Janet Jackson
popped one out at 50.
And I saw, like, last week,
this lady from Uganda,
like, popped two out,
twins at 70.
-Yeah.
-And Naomi Campbell also.
Yeah. Could be the genetics.
Maybe we should get
a hot black guy.
If I had it my way, I would just
do exactly
what we told Mom and Dad
we would do when we were little,
you know?
I mean, that whole thing
about us two sisters
living together our whole lives,
best friends.
We're practically married
anyways.
We can raise babies
together, too. Hmm.
Yeah, that would be
a funny one for society.
I don't see
what the problem is.
I mean, our lesi friends do it.
We can do it.
If we do it,
you're the one getting pregnant.
I mean, I'm the older sister
here, and I can't,
you know,
have all that body fluid,
and my hormones are just --
the Hashimoto's thing.
Yeah, I, you know, I just say
we just like, like, adopt,
like five or something
like that, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My eyes are getting heavy.
Okay.
We have to continue
the conversation tomorrow.
Okay. Yeah, I agree.
You know, and the truth is,
we should probably sleep on it,
'cause we had a little
too much to drink tonight.
-Sam!
-Huh? What?
-Red soap!
-What? Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I need it today.
Today would be nice.
-Okay.
-Soon would be great.
-Good catch.
-Thank you.
Um, yep!
I can't believe we're late.
I mean, I only, like, snoozed
the alarm like once or twice.
Yeah. Like, honestly, like,
who does lunch at fricking 1:30?
-That is way too early.
-Way too early.
-Way too early.
-I don't like my lips.
Do Kaleb's like coloring book.
Make myself look awake.
Mm, mm.
A little lip.
-Done. Done.
-Boom.
Well, they look exhausted.
Probably had
a long night partying.
Yeah. I hope it's something
entertaining.
-Me, too.
-I miss the good story days
-before parenthood.
-Me, too.
But I wouldn't trade anything
for this, baby.
Aww.
Oh, my God. We're almost there.
So, crazy night last night?
Look a little beat.
Yeah.
We stayed up all night
partying...
with each other.
Oh, lame.
You guys are worse than us.
Pssh, honey, we're not that bad.
-Can I have dessert yet?
-We're not that bad.
No, honey, honey, please
don't say the word dessert,
because, like, your auntie
just has a little trigger word.
Nothing sweet
until you finish your lunch.
Ugh!
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But you know what?
The good thing is, is that
we have a solution to --
Yeah. Yep. There's a solution.
It's really like, you know,
it's an all encompassing
plan and solution
to this whole dating
B.S. fiasco stuff.
Oh, my gosh. You said B.S.
Oh, honey, no.
I just said the abbreviation.
It doesn't even count
when it's abbreviated.
Don't listen to your aunties.
So what's the solution?
We decided we don't need men.
Like, we have each other,
you know?
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
-What does that mean?
-No, no, no. I mean, what she --
What she's saying is, is pretty,
pretty direct, I would say.
You know, Luce and I would like
to have
-offspring together.
-Offspring.
What the -- WTF?
Yeah, babies.
What the hell?
-What the --
-Watch your mouth!
-Good example y'all are.
-Yeah, definitely.
Well, you know
it's not the aunties.
-Definitely not us.
-We are quite compatible.
We're already compatible.
We're tested. We live together.
It's basically a fail safe plan.
Mm-hmm. And honestly --
I know her faults.
She knows mine.
Oh, we know all of each
other's faults and --
-We got it.
-Ooh. Yeah.
But, I mean, honestly, we just,
we're tired of
this whole dating thing.
I mean, we're just gonna
cut our losses.
We don't need men to procreate.
You know, it's -- it's --
it's a feminist move, bro.
-It's a feminist --
-You're serious?
I -- Yep. I'm --
I'm almost crying.
-Excuse me.
-My sisters are pranksters.
They got it from big bro.
-We would make great parents.
-Great parents.
We got this under control.
Totally.
I mean, we're like two peas
in a pod.
Oh, okay.
I never said you wouldn't
make great parents.
I just, I think you might miss
the Harold and Felicia
style dynamics.
I think you need an actual
family unit to raise kids.
For one, um, they have --
they have
that Harold and Felicia
style dynamic.
You know what I'm saying?
Chitty chitty, bang bang?
-Oh!
-Oh, yeah.
No, like, we haven't discussed
all the logistics of it.
We're still figuring out
some minor details,
but, I mean, I can get
myself there pretty fast.
And the hand can take you
to the promised land.
You know, I just have
to agree with Luce on that one.
I just hit the spot.
Eve knew what she was doing.
-Disgusting. TMI.
-It's great.
Okay, guys,
enough with that awkward talk.
Honey, will you help me
in the kitchen?
But I'm not done with my --
You know what?
On second thought,
-I'm losing my appetite.
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Coming, love.
Probably 'cause your wife
doesn't flavor the food.
Can we get some more
salt and pepper?
I mean, what did we get
for lunch? Lettuce?
-Seriously?
-What's for dessert?
Ice cream.
-What kind?
-Oh, I need some.
-So, I have an idea.
-What about?
You know that two week long
vacation I've been craving?
-Yeah.
-Well, I bet we could get
a couple of babysitters
to watch the boys while
we take a little much needed
honeymoon trip on that cruise.
You could go two weeks
without the boys?
You're right.
I would miss them too much.
I like it.
Wait. Really?
Yeah. We convince the girls
they need some practice before
committing to a lifelong choice.
Exactly. They have no idea what
they're getting into this quick.
This will let reality sink in,
and they can reconsider
this new age plan of theirs.
You're so smart.
That's why I married you.
Among other things.
Let's do it.
Let's teach them a lesson.
And then, meanwhile,
a second honeymoon
right before Christmas
would be perfect.
Mm.
You're so bad.
So then Elizabeth asked me
to read her one
of those wretched
bedtime stories.
And so I started reading what
I thought was a book for kids.
And then I realize there's all
these hidden adult innuendos.
She starts asking me
all these questions,
and I just felt awkward
the entire time.
We really need new books
for kids, you know?
So, everyone,
I want to announce I've decided
to write one with all the free
time I have, of course.
And it will be sweet
and innocent,
and it won't have any of that
hidden meaning crap, you know?
It's ridiculous.
how many hidden meanings
are in books and animations
these days.
-Right, honey?
-Yes, baby.
Whatever you say, I agree.
Y'all doing okay over here?
I'm seriously so psyched
that the two of you
decided to adopt.
Don't let anyone
tell you otherwise,
but the world needs
more parents like you.
You two are gonna be perfect.
Did someone say we wouldn't?
- No.
- No one said that.
That's not what I meant.
No, I just meant
if anyone were
to suggest otherwise,
I would shoot that crap
down so fast.
Plus, they'd never
get a table here.
You two are perfect
for parenting.
You know,
we're actually gonna
be watching the nephews
for a couple of weeks.
Yeah, apparently,
like Dave and Allison,
they want a little break,
a little getaway.
So we're stepping right in.
Yep. And we get
the entire house to ourselves.
So it'll be nice and comfy
and, you know,
master bedroom
and all that jazz.
So it's gonna be fun.
Well, yeah,
that should be interesting.
Mm. Definitely interesting.
Excuse me. Gotta go to
the little girls' room.
Boss mama's had too much sauce.
Don't do it.
-Huh?
-What? What --
Look, I didn't want to say
anything while she was around,
but I'm a stay at home parent
in this situation.
And unless you want to both be
stay at home parents together,
don't do it.
But I thought you loved
staying home with Lizzy.
Oh, I do. Don't get me wrong.
She's the best thing that's
ever happened to me in my life.
But being a stay at home parent
is a full time job
that doesn't pay.
And it's a lot harder
than those regular 9 to 5 jobs,
too. Let me tell you.
Mm, he does have a point, girls.
Listen closely. Right, Harold?
Yes, baby. You're always right.
Uh...
Okay. But it's, like,
worth it, right?
-Like, I mean, like, you know --
-I want to take a power nap
I don't get to take every five
minutes from pure exhaustion
and being tired
and -- and lack of nutrients,
and I get makeup
and slapped on my face
and my nails painted, and I have
to scrub this off in the shower
until my face is raw
and peeling.
And speaking of shower,
I only get to take like
maybe one a week. And sex life?
Forget about that for months,
even a year, or longer
in my case.
And, uh, well, it's --
Yeah, it's worth it.
It's a lot of hard work,
but, yeah, it's worth it.
I mean, have you communicated
your feelings
to anyone?
Yeah. Keep smiling and waving,
boys. You know.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Bye, Mom and Dad,
-Bye!
-Bye!
Take that, you filthy animal!
You're going down!
I'm out of bullets!
I'm out of bullets!
Those look yummy.
Why don't we go to
the park tomorrow?
Yeah, let's go to the park.
Or we could go to the playground
-or the zoo.
-Playground.
No. Zoo.
Playground!
Zoo!
Playground.
Zoo!
Paper. Scissors. Rock. Shoot.
Mm. You always win.
I'm gonna go to the zoo,
because I don't
feel like running.
Kind of over that.
Ho, ho, ho!
No!
We say
fa, la, la, la, la, la
Deck me out
with Christmas cheer
-Great.
-'Cause Santa's watching
So we gotta make sure
we've been good this year
Just lovely. Lovely.
Oh! No!
Hey. What are you doing?
You're going to town
with your nose.
Take your finger out of --
You, too.
What is this? No.
Your friend is eating boogers.
Hey, hey, hey,
are you yelling at my kid?
No, I'm not -- Your kid?
No, I'm not yelling
at your kid.
I'm yelling at my kid,
-and your kid happens --
-Uh, that's not your kid.
That's Dave's kid. Who are you?
Who are you? How do you know?
No. How do you know Dave?
Well, I'm --
I'm just gonna call Dave.
No, you need to call Dave?
-Just -- It's okay.
-No. I got this.
I got this taken care of.
Come on. No, no. Come on.
We're like junior high? Please.
Like, I know that it was
probably your influence.
No offense, little one.
It's not my kid's influence.
-It's your kid.
-No, no, he doesn't --
He doesn't pick his nose
at the house.
-He doesn't ever pick his nose.
-Alright, guys,
come on down here.
Let's settle this, please.
-Gooey and --
-Hustle.
Disgusting.
Okay.
This is so immature.
-Is it?
-Yep. It's very immature.
Um, be honest.
Who picked their nose first?
Me, me, me!
And I ate them, too.
And you ate them, too?
No, no, no. Come here.
Tell the truth. No, no.
Tell the truth.
Clearly he's deciding
in front of his friend.
Come on. Talk to me. Just us.
-I know he did it.
-No, it was me.
You're going to time out
when you get home.
Oh, time out!
I'm so scared!
Alright, guys,
go ahead and play.
-You should be scared.
-Thank you for the honesty.
Yeah, they don't care.
By the way,
I do know your brother Dave.
The kids play a lot together.
So why are you watching Kaleb?
Uh, Dave and Allison
busy or something?
-Tag. Hey!
-They, like, just went on
a little trip
and put me in charge,
-of course.
-Trip? Where did they go?
I'm not gonna -- You know what?
You're a stranger,
and I'm not gonna tell you.
You know, I'm
a great influence with the kids,
and they shouldn't
talk to strangers.
I'm not gonna talk to you.
Sassy. I was just
asking a question.
You're sassy.
Please.
So, I mean, like, why are you
at a playground by yourself?
I mean, where's -- where's
your better half?
Oh, uh, divorced. Single dad.
I have no idea why
I just showed you my hand.
I'm Ben, by the way.
Okay. Cool.
Um, listen, Sassy, my kid Ryan
is having a birthday themed
Christmas party
at our house next week.
I would call Dave and Allison
to invite the boys,
but I figured I'd just tell
the auntie in charge.
Auntie in charge?
Yeah, auntie in charge.
Either way, I'm in charge.
You know, you know,
we're just gonna have to check
our very, very,
very, very busy, busy schedule.
-Sure, sure.
-Yeah.
Hey. Hey, Ryan? Why don't you
tell, um, Miss, um...
Sorry, I didn't --
-Sam. Samantha.
-Sam. Samantha.
-Yeah.
-Tell Miss Samantha
-how old you're turning.
-I'm turning 7!
That's awesome.
Are you having a party?
Oh, can you come?
Can I come? Can I come? Please?
Can you come, please, please?
You're gonna ask
in front of him? Oh, okay.
-Yeah, you can come.
-Thank you. I love you, Auntie.
I know you love me. Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm. You better.
Alright. Well, uh,
the best Christmas themed outfit
wins a prize at the party.
So, uh, make sure
you bring your "A" game.
Hey, pal,
let's go get those decorations.
Okay? Come on.
-Alright.
-We'll see you guys next week.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Nice to meet you.
- Bye!
- Really?
What? He's my friend.
He's your friend
that eats boogers.
Oh, do you see the sheep?
It's a goat.
It's a goat? I can't even
tell the difference.
What's your favorite animal
at the zoo today?
- The goat.
- The goat?
And the pig.
Then we're coming up
on some pigs right now.
I love pigs.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe
we could walk a little faster,
Why?
Well, because it smells
like one of the pigs
maybe just took a big poo poo.
Do they poop in the potty?
No. Unfortunately, I think
they roll all up in it.
Oh, look,
there's the donkey right here.
You wanna pet the donkey?
Uh, ma'am?
I'm sorry,
are you speaking to me?
Yeah, uh, I think your kid
got mud on himself.
Let me see.
He said you have mud.
-Let me see.
-Oh, not on his shoes.
No, I think on his pants.
He must have sat in mud.
Just trying to help you out
so you don't get
your vehicle all dirty.
Oh, my God. Noah sat in --
It's all over.
Sweetie, when'd you sit in mud?
I didn't.
Oh, honey.
Oh, it's all up in my nails.
Oh.
I hate to ask,
but can I see your water bottle?
Oh. Yeah.
Sorry. I owe you one.
Let me see. Sorry, sweetie.
It's gonna be cold.
Ooh! Thank you.
Nephews get into stuff
all the time. I understand.
-What's happening? Hi.
-Hey.
This nice gentleman,
he showed me. Look.
-Noah sat in mud.
-Oh. Oh, Noah.
Baby, you know
not to sit in mud.
Oh, that's -- that's hefty.
That's it. Yeah.
Ooh. All in your nails.
-Wow.
-All under there.
Ooh. Yeah.
Oh, honey.
Honey, when did you do it,
sweetie? I didn't see you.
I didn't.
-You're speaking so softly.
-I didn't.
You didn't?
-Cutie, why are you laughing?
-Why are you laughing?
He said he didn't.
What? I don't get --
-Oh.
-I sharted.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch anything.
I'm just gonna --
-I'm gonna vomit.
-Don't throw up, Don't throw up.
I'll throw up.
Do you have any hand sanitizer?
I got some.
I got some in my car.
You want me to go faster?
I'll go faster.
-You have --
-Jeff, by the way.
Hand sanitizer.
Oh, God. It's in my --
Check out my new shoes.
Yeah. No --
Oh, yeah. Your shoes are great.
Flashy but comfortable,
you know?
Is there something wrong
with my hair?
Do I have
some lipstick on my teeth?
So whose party is this?
Okay. See that boy over there
with Kaleb?
-Little Ryan.
-Oh, he's a cutie.
-He's adorable.
-I know. So cute.
So, but, like, which --
who's his parents?
Oh, no, no, no. It's the --
It's the guy that I told you
I met at the playground.
Didn't I tell you I met --
I met a guy at the playground?
-Yeah.
-Mm, I don't --
I have to -- I have to go
take a tinkle, so, okay.
Okay. Sounds good.
I really do have to go.
Hello, hello.
Nice finding you here.
It's Jeff, right?
So, what are you doing
at a kid's Christmas party?
You have kids?
No. Not yet at least.
I'm actually here
with my nephew.
Oh. Me, too.
Um, actually,
you met them already
at the zoo the other day.
-Oh.
-Those were my nephews.
I didn't, um,
I didn't mean to leave
without a proper thank you,
but thank you
for the water bottle.
Didn't mean to leave you parched
and thirsty,
but I appreciate it.
Well, I'm just pretending
to talk to you
because I'm watching them
like a hawk.
You know?
They need supervision,
but this way, if they
don't know I'm looking at them,
I can see
what they're really up to.
-Pretending to talk to me?
-Mm, yeah.
I'm not sure whether I should
feel offended by that statement
or proud of your
parenting skills.
Oh, well.
I like your costume,
by the way.
Why, thank you.
Mrs. Claus gave it to me.
She said Santa Claus
already had enough children
to buy gifts for.
She didn't need an excuse
for one more.
Yeah, as they say,
the gift that keeps on giving.
-Right?
-Where's your costume?
I guess I didn't get
the costume memo.
Yeah, unfortunately.
Should really talk to
your nephew about that one.
Or maybe if I can get
your number or something,
and you can tell me
about the next costume party.
Or if you're free
one of these nights for dinner.
Are you gonna pull out
your phone or --
Oh. Yeah.
The number doesn't
write itself.
Um, I seem to have left
my phone in my car.
Well, I mean, there are
always New Year's parties, so.
-Uh --
-Maybe next year.
Uh, one second.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Where's, uh --
Where's your costume?
It is a costume party
for the kids.
-For the kids.
-Not the adults. Yeah.
Plus, the majority
of the dads here are already
rocking dad bods,
so we're looking like Santa.
This is, uh --
-Little sparkle, sparkle?
-Yeah, sparkle, sparkle.
Yeah, I tried, you know?
Yeah, I think we got
best costume,
I'm gonna tell you that, but --
Oh, jury's out, but --
Um, where have you been
this entire party?
Well, I'm kind of letting Ryan's
grandparents run the show.
- Yeah?
- They're apparently
way cooler than me.
He tells me that all the time.
-Does he?
-Yeah. Look at them go.
Yeah. I mean, they are
way, way cooler than you.
Well, that's only because you
haven't seen my dance moves yet.
I gotta go pick up a secret
surprise present for him.
-I'm really excited.
-For -- On your --
On your kid's birthday,
you're gonna leave, Jeff?
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
Are you gonna miss my company?
Oh, please. Oh, please.
You wish.
-Come on.
-I do kind of wish.
Actually, you know what?
I'm gonna leave you with this.
Just in case.
What is this?
It's in case you miss me
before I'm back.
-Okay, so --
-Bye.
-Bye.
-You like that?
-I call it the tiger.
-It's the tiger?
-Yeah?
-Yep, eye of the tiger.
I think my dad likes you.
Yeah? Why do you say that?
He's acting weird.
Yeah, he's a little
weird, you know that?
He thinks I don't know
he got me a big Corvette
for my birthday.
I'm gonna pretend
to act surprised.
Yeah, you should
probably act surprised.
You know that? Because
moms are better at hiding
secrets than dads, you know?
Are you a mom?
Uh, not yet.
You're amazing. You know that?
-You're pretty.
-You're beautiful.
So how about we, um,
we go to the dance floor?
You can show me some
of your dance moves.
You mean...
Yeah. I mean those ones.
How about that?
Did y'all have fun tonight?
-Yes.
-Yes.
Okay, let's keep it down,
monkey boys.
Can you read us a bedtime story?
Yeah.
Only if you close your eyes.
-That's the condition.
-Okay.
Okay. Close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed.
You have to keep them closed
and tired.
No peeking.
Okay. Are you ready?
"Kaleb and Noah
make your aunties go whoa-ah.
Y'all so cute,
even when you toot.
"Even when you shart,
you got that big heart."
"Now go to bed,
you little sleepy heads.
Close your eyes
'cause the eyes don't lie."
Okay, go to bed, sweetie.
Go to bed, sweetie.
-Hey, sis.
-Oh.
-Tired?
-Mm-hmm.
I bet.
The kitchen's all clean.
Finally.
It's nice.
I mean, is it me,
or is it so cool
that kids get to party
like rock stars every weekend?
I mean, where do they come up
with the energy?
I'm wiped.
I mean, silver lining,
we get to party
every single weekend.
It's kind of cool, right?
Mm-hmm.
It's fantastic.
I'm gonna go to sleep.
Okay.
-I love you.
-Good night.
-Sweet dreams.
-Sweet dreams. I love you, sis.
Love you, sis.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh.
Really? Okay.
Oh. Oh.
No.
8:00 a.m.?
Oh, goodness. Okay.
Seriously, huh?
Seriously? Huh?
Your breath stinks.
Yeah, well, that's what you get
for waking me up
at 8:00 in the morning.
Alright.
Come on, Lucy.
Okay. I'm there.
I'm gonna get you for that.
I'll probably do ceral or
something simple for breakfast.
No, pancakes.
-Yeah! Pancakes!
-We don't want
-chocolate chip pancakes.
-Thank God.
Oh, my God.
See, this is called compromise.
We met in the middle.
This is great.
-Cereal it is. Cereal --
-No, we don't want
chocolate chip pancakes.
We want confetti pancakes
with sprinkles.
Why don't we save
the sprinkle pancakes
for your birthday?
No, I want them now!
Yeah, now!
I want birthday cake
for my birthday.
-What's wrong?
-I'm sad
that Mom and Dad won't be here
for my birthday.
Aw, cutie, we're here.
We're gonna still watch you.
But I want Mommy and Daddy
for my birthday.
Yeah. Two birthday
parties are so much better.
-You're crying, too, now?
-Honey, we would all love
two birthday parties,
but unfortunately,
you're only born
one day of the year.
Well, yeah, we all --
But I think Christmas
and my birthday's back to back,
I feel like I get less presents.
I mean, that's true
because you usually just divided
the holidays, birthdays.
That's pretty tough.
Yeah, it's December.
It's like you wonder
how that works.
That's what I would do
if I was their parents.
Alright. Maybe we'll do
like a little something.
Yay!
Oh! Okay. Okay.
Little something at the park.
Um, Auntie Lucy is gonna
prepare the -- the party list,
-right?
-Yay!
Aww. Go. Go hug Lucy.
She's gonna do the work.
-Only for I get kisses.
-That's great. That's great.
That's good.
And you make the pancakes.
-Yeah.
-Thank you, babe.
Looking out for your Luce.
Really?
Okay, little rascals. Ooh!
-Ooh! Pancakes are here.
-Pancake time.
-Mr. Kaleb.
-No, I'm gonna eat those. Mmm.
And Mr. Noah.
Oh. Sam. We have the --
We have the thing tonight.
-Uh, no.
-The grand opening.
Alex and Mark's grand opening.
No, that was like literally --
We just literally --
We just had our brunch
the other day.
Yeah. Like our friend brunch,
a little --
And that was, like,
a soft, intimate, like --
Why do you need two?
You don't need two
-grand openings.
-This is what we're about to do.
You know, obviously,
they took a hint from Kaleb.
He wants two birthdays.
They want two grand openings.
Okay. Are you gonna go,
or what do you want to do?
-Two things myself.
-Come on.
Come on.
You really want to do this?
No, I really want to do this.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ready?
Paper. Scissors. Rock. Shoot.
Paper. Scissors. Rock. Shoot.
Paper. Scissors. Rock. Shoot.
Messed up.
You -- I feel like you cheat
every time.
You, like, always win.
Whatever.
Auntie Lulu getting out tonight!
-Mmm.
-Lovely.
Load up on that sugar, sunshine.
Eat those sprinkles.
Maybe I'll just eat the last --
last pancake.
Just, just --
-What's going on, sunshine?
-What are you doing?
I'm trying to pick a dress.
You want to help me?
Yes.
Option one.
-Red.
-Red.
Didn't even show you the second.
Option two.
Red.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Why do you like
the red so much?
-'Cause it's short.
-Yeah.
And that's exactly
why I think I'm going to
be going for the black one,
sweetie.
Right?
-Red.
-Red.
What are you all
gonna be doing tonight?
Squirting her with my Nerf gun.
-Yeah.
-With your Nerf gun?
And throwing water balloons
like we did yesterday.
And throwing water balloons and
seeing how she feels about them?
They're cold.
I mean, I won't be here,
-so you have my permission.
-Just so you know,
if your window's open
when you come home,
I'm probably gonna
throw a water balloon in it.
Oh, so I need to close
my window tonight.
-No.
-No, gonna throw it at your car.
You're gonna throw it
at my car?
What my car do to you?
What did my car do to you?
At my car? Okay.
My car needs a car wash
anyway. I'll let you throw it
at my car.
No. With dirty water.
-With dirty water?
-No.
Like I was getting
a free service.
-No, mud.
-Get dirt. Put water on it.
-Mm-hmm.
-Then we will throw it at you.
Then you'll throw it at me?
But the good thing is it's dark
so you'll probably miss.
We can use the flashlight.
Wow.
Have a seat.
Mm. I see you already
ordered us drinks.
Yeah,
I got a couple cabs for us.
I wasn't sure what you wanted.
Good choice.
Wow.
You look absolutely gorgeous.
You trying to make me blush
or something?
Maybe a little.
Is it working?
I guess we'll see.
Glad I was able
to steal you away tonight.
I was wondering when
I'd be able to take you out.
Well, you know, it was a lucky
game of rock, paper, scissors.
Well, you hadn't returned
my phone call,
so I was beginning to wonder.
Mm.
I mean, they do say
the only difference
between a persistent man
and a stalker
is whether or not
you're interested.
But you did call me back,
and we're here now,
so perhaps you're
a interested.
Perhaps.
You might be cute
and working your smarts
and charms on me, but,
we're just hanging out
as friends tonight.
Oh, yeah. Friends.
I'm good with friends.
Friends confide in each other.
Help each other.
Totally innocent.
-There she is.
-Hey, there.
-Hi.
-Come on in.
Ryan!
-Yeah.
-Hi, boys.
Thought the two of --
three of them could --
Ryan, come check out
our room.
Ahem. And don't trip.
Yeah. Be careful.
I don't think we're gonna
see them again
-the rest of the night.
-No.
We're not.
We're not gonna see them at all.
Is that lasagna I smell?
Yeah, that is lasagna.
It's gonna be the best lasagna
you ever had in your life.
Bye, boys.
Don't forget lasagna --
Okay, well, they don't --
No, they don't. They're back.
Well, thanks for the support
tonight, y'all.
Appreciate you coming. And
give our love to Sam, won't you?
-I will.
-Okay, great. Have fun.
Oh.
Kaleb has a birthday party.
It's gonna be this Saturday.
You're coming.
I'll buzz you the details.
I should probably take
the little guy to the car soon.
They're out.
They're out cold.
Yeah.
I had fun tonight.
I did, too.
-Yeah.
-That lasagna was, um --
It was interesting.
It was my first time
making it.
-It was --
-Hopefully your last.
It looked, um --
The layers were, like --
-Mushy.
-Shifting.
-Yeah --
-Like --
I'm just saying, I'm not trying
to make fun of you. I'm sorry.
I'm just saying
that maybe you should
let a real man
cook for you sometime.
Okay, okay. Well,
I'll let you know
when I find a real man.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
-Oh.
-Let it burn.
Let it burn.
I deserve that. It's okay.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a dumb question?
You don't have to answer.
-Do it.
-Okay.
Okay.
Why don't you --
Why don't you have
a real man in your life?
Let's just say that...
real men are hard to find.
Really hard.
Well, maybe you're looking
in the wrong place.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah. Um...
Um, what about you?
Why is there not a woman
in your life
Divorced, remember?
You don't have to talk about it.
No. It's okay.
We, uh --
I don't know, I --
I don't really think
she was the one.
We --
We got married really young
because she got pregnant,
and I don't think we were ready.
Yeah. It's okay. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
You know what?
I finally got to go to college.
I studied really hard.
I raised that little guy.
It was so hard.
And I don't mean that
in a bad way.
I don't mean it like --
It was worth it.
-Yeah.
-But it was hard.
Sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
Anyway, um...
That little kid's the best thing
that ever happened to me,
so I wouldn't change it
for anything.
You're an amazing father.
I think you're amazing.
I do.
Do you -- Do you think
you might want kids?
Sorry. You don't have to --
-No.
-It's a big question.
No, it's --
It's the best question.
Yeah.
I do.
How many?
Like baseball fields.
-Oh, wow.
-Yeah,
like a huge baseball field.
You know, I always thought --
I always thought that
Ryan needed a sibling
or seven or eight.
-Those are good numbers.
-You think so?
Yeah, seven and eight.
Yeah, I like those numbers.
That's a lot.
I'm sure the right girl's
gonna knock it out.
Yeah. Thank you.
Tonight was nice.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah.
I'd like to see you again.
I'd like that.
I'm trying my best
not to kiss you right now.
Since we're friends after all.
Friends don't kiss.
Yeah.
And it being
our first date and all.
Yeah. I mean,
we really shouldn't count
the zoo and the Christmas party.
Screw it.
I guess third time's
the charm.
Good night, gorgeous.
Good night, Jeff.
-Out cold.
-Oh, he's out.
We probably don't even
have to whisper.
-Really?
-Yeah, 'cause he's gonna be out
the rest of the night.
-Thank you again.
-Of course.
-I appreciate it.
-Anytime you want lasagna.
Okay. I mean --
Thank you.
-Night.
-Night.
Say you wanna build
a home with me
Wanna give me
all your babies
My head spins
when you talk to me
Make this girl go crazy
Got me weak,
got me weak in my knees
Burning hunger
I gotta release
Got me beggin,
beggin pretty please
Got me hooked on ya,
Lovestruck Greek Boy
Give me a feeling,
got me hypnotized
One look, it's like dynamite
Day dreaming,
going out of my mind
Got me hooked on ya,
Lovestruck Greek Boy
Sam?
I'm just so sleepy right now.
-Yeah.
-Did you have fun?
Yeah. I had fun. Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Okay, I'm going to sleep.
I'm so tired.
Night.
Good night.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Okay, so listen up, Ali.
I'm about to go do
a little gig I landed,
so you go have fun
with the cousins,
and then I'll be back later.
Okay, Uncle Kvon.
Fist bump? Foot bump?
Alright, have fun.
Ali! Hey, baby!
Kind of looks familiar.
That's that comedian guy
my husband watches
on TV all the time.
You know who he looks like?
Guy dressing up as Santa Claus.
Oh, my God!
You're that guy from TV.
-I just saw you on Netflix.
-Uh --
The comedian guy,
like K-Pop or something, right?
Oh, my God. Felicia,
he's not Korean.
Kevin. Palestinian.
I love my Palestinians.
He's definitely Pak--
P-Pakistan or something.
Oh, no, ladies.
No, no, no. He's Peruvian.
What? You both have
preggo brain. Are you serious?
No. You're the spitting image
of that guy, I swear.
Okay, I don't know
who you're talking about,
-but he sounds really funny.
-Spitting image.
Hold on, wait, wait.
No, no, wait, wait.
Take a picture!
Wait! Sign my...balloons?
That is him.
-See, I told you.
-You blew it.
-No, you blew it.
-It's obviously half Persian.
Nobody ever gets that right.
Now I got to go play Santa
because comedy
doesn't pay the bills.
P-A-R-I-S-A-N!
That's how you spell
Palestinian! Whoo!
Go blue.
What?
-Who's it?
-I am.
Who's it?!
Who's that guy
approaching the playground?
-What guy?
-That's creepy.
He looks way too overdressed
for the playground.
-Uh-huh.
-Weirdo.
Doesn't he know
this is a kid's birthday party?
-Hello?
-That's what I'm saying.
Is he waving to a child?
Who does he think
he is? That is --
Very creepy. I'm gonna go
talk to him right now.
Put my foot down.
-Mama style!
-Damn straight.
She looks like she had
a little too much fun.
Get him, girl.
-No. She's going.
-Go, Sam. Yeah.
-She's going.
-What a boss babe.
-She's tough.
-I taught her well.
Couldn't have done
that better myself.
Taught her well?
I think this parental training
is paying off.
- Hi, Sam.
- What are you doing here, Ben?
-What am I doing here?
-What are you doing here?
-What's wrong? Are you --
-What's wrong?
You can't be
at this birthday party.
You have, like,
stuff on your face.
-Do you want me to get --
-You have stuff on your face!
-And your eyes look great.
-Oh, thanks.
Yeah, yeah.
No, you need to go.
Did anyone bring the wine?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's in
the grape juice box below.
Let's find -- Clever mama.
Saucy minx.
There are adults supervising
on the playground.
Why can't I be here?
Those are women and mothers
-and -- and the children.
-And a father of my kid
who's invited
to your nephew's party.
It's creepy.
You're like a grown ass man.
And you look good,
and you smell good,
and you're gonna make
all the kids uncomfortable.
Make kids uncomfortable,
or make you uncomfortable?
M-Maybe a little bit of both.
Me, a little bit.
Just a little bit.
-Just a little bit.
-You trying to hide me?
-You're hiding me.
-No, I'm not trying to hide you.
I just, you know, I don't
want everyone to know
about situationship,
this little us scenario.
Oh, so we're an us now?
Do you like me?
You know, it's plausible.
Okay. Let's go. Come on.
You need to go.
-Bye.
-Let's go.
Okay. We need to get the party
on the road. Like, literally.
-Cakes. No, no. Cake. Candles.
-Already?
Kaleb!
Alright.
I'm ready to switch to sweet.
I'm over this.
Oh, you already did?
I have an excuse.
Thanks for helping me clean up.
-Totally, babe.
-Not eat cake, but --
Happy to help. Just glad to hear
the two of you
aren't having second thoughts.
It's a big commitment,
two sisters dedicating
their entire lives
to raising kids together.
Sounds like you two
have it all figured out though.
Yeah, we do.
I mean, what could go wrong
with sisters?
Nothing could. Nothing at all.
-Yeah.
-Especially if you decide
not to go through
with any of this.
Honey, it's just
me and you right now.
Come on.
You've got something to confess.
You're acting kind of weird.
We haven't done confession
in like years.
-"Confession."
-For starters, I'm a Jew.
I don't do confession ever.
Yeah, I know.
Please, just do me a favor.
Take a beat.
Reconsider the fact
that you and your sister
love each other and that you're
always going to be best friends,
regardless if you decide
to adopt and co-parent together.
Yeah, I mean, duh.
-Right?
-Things change, honey.
Take me and Mark, for instance.
We're doing awesome now.
We had a lovely little chat,
and now we're rotating
around the house.
I've hired a nanny, and now he
can help me run the restaurant.
Plus, we're doing it
like once a week.
Oh, shit. Okay, maybe --
Maybe it is working,
if that's the case.
The point is,
things change, babe.
Love doesn't, regardless if
the circumstances are shifting.
Yeah, I should probably
talk to her, you know, like --
I don't want to hold
a secret from her.
And I know she would never,
never hold a secret
from me, so...
Yeah, sisters never keep
secrets. People don't do that.
Heavens to Betsy.
But seriously,
you might get upset.
She might get upset.
You hash it out,
and then you move on.
You know I'm not one
to get sappy,
mnh-mnh, but really,
what I witness in all my
friendship with the both of you
is true unconditional love.
It's very rare.
Piece of hair in our cake.
Should I still take it home?
Oh, God.
Is that some of my extensions?
It might be, it might be,
but it still looks delicious.
I'm gonna --
I'm still gonna do it.
-Listen.
-Okay.
I saw you, Miss Smitten Kitten,
with that guy over there.
-Oh, my God.
-You're fooling no one.
He was like a --
He was like a nobody.
Whatever, saucy minx.
-Nothing gets by me.
-Oh, my God, Alex.
Who do you think
you're talking to?
You might be right.
You might be right.
Listen, can we finish this
conversation over a cocktail?
-Mommy needs a margarita.
-Yeah. Yes, please.
Please. Can you just
fold that, maybe?
Just -- Just please, just --
Or just wad it up.
That'd be great.
Did you miss me? If you didn't--
Are you trying
to get away from my hugging?
Birthday boy! I'm gonna get you.
Did my birthday boy have fun?
Did you have fun?
Did you have fun?
-Yes.
-Yes? You've grown so tall.
-I know.
-When'd you get this long?
Today was a fun day.
Yeah, so much fun.
Oh, my gosh.
Hey, um, I talk to you
about something, privately?
I mean,
the boys can play or something.
-Just talk alone?
-Yeah. Yeah.
I actually want to talk to you
about something, too.
Ooh! Hot potato.
Someone's ringing.
Someone's ringing!
Who's calling me?
My bum is vibrating.
-Who is it? Who is it?
-It's Mommy and Daddy!
-Oh!
-Oh!
Should I answer it?
Should I answer it?
You don't want to see
Mommy and Daddy?
Yeah. Yeah. Let's see.
I don't know if they miss you.
I don't know.
- We miss you so much.
- Should I hit on FaceTime?
Should I hit on FaceTime?
Y'all wanna see?
Yep. I'm hitting FaceTime.
-Gimme.
-They grabbed the phone now.
They grabbed the phone.
-FaceTime.
-Ooh!
We miss you so much.
- How much?
- To infinity and beyond.
Oh! You see that?
-How much is that?
-How much is that, huh?
Uh, to the universe and back.
-To the universe and back!
-To the universe and back!
-Oh! I'm jealous.
-Oh, my God. I'm jealous.
-I'm jelly, jelly, jelly.
-How many kisses are you gonna
give Mommy and Daddy
when they come?
1,000 million.
Did y'all have fun
with the aunties?
Yep, we had so fun
with our aunts.
Yeah, we're not gonna
give them back.
-Don't give us back.
-We had so much fun,
but we missed you so much.
We can't wait to give you
a million kisses on Saturday.
We'll give you
more than a million.
Mama loves you, boys.
-Bye. Love you.
-Bye.
Hang up.
Y'all hung up
on Mommy and Daddy.
I guess we're gonna
keep them now.
They hung up on Mommy and Daddy.
They want to stay!
Keep you forever and ever
and ever
They want to stay,
stay and play.
Ah! Oh, we missed you!
-We missed you guys so much!
-There's my guys.
How was it? You guys have fun?
Hey, buddies.
Let's go.
So how was it?
No mishaps at all?
No, no, I would say no.
No, I mean, we're --
we're totally natural.
-Yeah.
-Completely. We're ready.
Mm-hmm.
You look so tan and bronzed.
And no tan lines.
Wonder how that happened.
-Hi, guys.
-Yeah
-I need that.
-Yeah, I need it too.
-Ben!
-That would be great.
These are Dave's sisters,
Lucy and Samantha.
Ladies, this is Ben, Dave's
friend from sand volleyball.
His son Ryan
is good friends with the boys.
-Nice to meet you.
-Yeah.
Nice -- Hi.
Looks like the creeper
from the playground.
-Oh. That's me.
-Yeah.
Hey, what's up, man?
What's going on?
-Oh, look who's here.
-What's up, brother?
What's going on, boys?
You mean like blood brothers?
Uh, no, just, well,
regular brothers.
-Yeah.
-Wait, wait, wait a second.
Don't tell me you two
know each other, as well.
Oh, that's a small world, right?
Small.
We're all, like,
practically family.
Yeah. That's right,
like one big happy family.
-Yeah.
-Who knew!
Oh, God. What is that laugh?
-What? What laugh?
-Yeah, that little,
the little smile, the chuckle
is a little weird.
-Yeah.
-Allison, what's going on?
-You want to explain that?
-You guys -- Yeah. Joke's up.
Dave had his buddies babysit
you guys while we were gone.
What? You did not.
You didn't trust us
to watch the nephews?
-You trusted these two schmucks?
-Oh, my God!
You trust the guy
in the blue sweater?
I mean, who is that guy?
I haven't even --
Sam, you feel offended?
I feel offended.
-I feel very offended!
-You know what? Allison,
I expected this from Dave.
I tried to talk him out of it.
Ladies? Ladies?
I told him
you guys would be good!
Oh, you did?
Dave, do you need to get your
ears checked? Do your ears work?
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on. Hold on.
I actually thought
you did a really good job.
The boys behaved very well.
-I thought --
-Do not even get there.
Who's asking you, blue sweater?
Yeah, yeah. Your opinion?
Huh? We needed that?
We needed that suddenly?
Ooh. Yeah. No.
Take a -- Take a breath.
Let's take a breath.
-Yeah. No one cares.
-I'm breathing. I'm breathing.
-Does it seem like I'm not?
-Relax.
Relax. We were just trying
to help out my brother.
Totally innocent. Okay?
Huh.
You were just trying
to help out?
Yeah.
You were just trying
to help out?
-Mm.
-Okay --
Mr. Innocent?
Okay. What's going on here?
That's a wide term
of a definition.
That's all I'm saying. Innocent.
That's very,
very wide term of a definition.
Uh, uh,
did you just give her a look?
Did you just give her the look?
He just gave you the look!
I don't know
what you're talking about.
You -- What is
happening behind my back?
What is happening
behind my back?
-I don't know.
-Luce, the look?
-I don't know.
-He likes you.
Clearly something happened.
What happened?
-Is that true?
-Nothing.
Did you hit on my sister
while I was gone?
-Thanks, bro.
-Yeah.
You were supposed
to be keeping tabs.
-Exactly.
-And, you know just --
Look, bro.
Just relax, okay?
We're like brothers.
-That's my sister!
-Whoa!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Wrong. Wrong.
-You're wrong. You're wrong.
-It's totally innocent.
-Totally innocent.
-Nothing happened.
-I don't even know if --
-We -- We kissed.
No, you did not kiss.
You did not kiss.
You cheated on
the situationship.
You cheated on us.
-That's a very --
-That's a very hmm?
-You know?
-Okay, girls. Alright.
We both know that you're
both out of your minds
for wanting to do this
ditching men altogether
and this new sisterhood
parenting fad anyway.
Hey. It wasn't a fad, bro.
Hey, what --
What's your problem?
I don't really have a problem.
I just thought
it was interesting
that we were talking about
our problems the other night,
and that doesn't seem
to be an issue.
-Huh. Huh.
-No, no --
No, no, no,
we didn't do anything.
It was just,
we just were talking.
So you were trying
to make it look like me?
-Really?
-When you were guilty?
-Oh, no. I'm not.
-You were doing what I was
doing, but you were trying
to make it look
like it was just me doing it
when you were doing it,
and I was doing it, but
you were really doing it, too.
-No!
-I see.
Because guess what? We --
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-You see what I'm --
-Excuse me?
Boing! Hey!
We didn't even get to second
or first base.
Was that the other night?
I mean, sounds like you did,
Miss Boing.
We didn't. We didn't even kiss,
mm-hmm, like y'all did.
You know, some people skip
some steps in between.
But anyway, I think
I'm gonna go now.
Hey, Kaleb! Noah!
Unh-unh.
Your favorite auntie is leaving!
-Wanna come with her?
-Absolutely not.
Your favorite auntie, the eldest
auntie is now leaving.
Kaleb, Noah,
you're coming with me.
Well, first is the worst.
Second is the best.
Some of these men
may have hairy chests,
and I'll see you later.
Happy holidays!
Merry F'ing Christmas.
See you at Christmas, guys!
Don't close the door on me!
Two weeks. Two weeks,
and you both
let your male instincts
take away with my sisters?
You're lucky
it ended with kissing.
I mean, you're the one
that showed us their Instagrams,
so I don't really know
what the problem is.
-Well, it was -- So?
-Yeah, I mean,
it's out there.
We knew what
we were getting into.
Right.
Fucking Instagram.
So I'm just here to keep
your sad, pitiful self company.
That's what friends are for.
Stop the madness, honey.
Come on.
Are you more upset
that she had a talk with Ben,
or at the fact
that you two had this crazy idea
of a fake marriage
or whatever the hell
you called it to raise kids?
I mean, honestly,
probably more the second one.
Exactly.
The truth is,
you really want Sam to be happy
in a romantic relationship,
and you as well,
assuming you two
found really great guys.
I mean, the reason why y'all
came up with this little crazy
pact to begin with is
because you couldn't find
the perfect guy in the beginning
to live the rest
of your lives with.
I mean, it's true.
Sam lied to me, right?
But I wasn't completely honest
with her, either.
So it can't really
be mad at her.
The thing is,
I know it's not gonna work out.
But it was a nice idea,
because, you know, Sam and I,
I mean, we have the sister bond.
But, you know, controlling
each other's love lives
is not going to work.
Like you do realize
no matter what guy
comes into the picture,
that's not going to break
y'all's bond.
Y'all gonna always
remain best friends.
And no matter
where life takes y'all,
y'all are always gonna
be there for each other
in the future for families,
babies, whatever.
Nothing and no one
can change that.
And I will always be the bestest
friend of the both of you.
What do I do?
I think you know what to do.
And buy Sam
a nice Christmas gift.
Did you give her
the same advice?
I'm sorry. Um,
I legally can't divulge
that information
because I'm talking to you
right now.
Your appointment with her
is right after this one.
No, my appointment with her
is tomorrow.
You're supposed
to go feed me now.
Okay.
I thought you were treating me.
I'm in your office.
No, I had to come out here
and walk with you.
You know I don't do
this exercise crap.
I walk with you
to help get the baby out.
Well, apparently that didn't
work because she's still here.
Mm. You're not eating
enough spicy food.
You gotta switch from
the jalapeno to the habanero.
Okay.
So where are we going to eat?
Thinking more like Indian.
I feel like you're more --
You're feeling
that curry stuff, aren't you?
You know me well.
Just tell Hubs to clear
the bathroom after that one.
That is disgusting.
It's time to go.
Yeah, she the one,
you the only one
There's no other one,
we have fun
Yeah, a lot of fun,
we act really dumb
Make my day every single day,
love it when you say
Love you, bae, let's take off
the day like a holiday
All day, I know
I'm your perfect type, girl
Type, girl, yeah
I can see you as my wife now
Hey, sis.
Hey.
I just want to say, um,
I'm really sorry.
Ditto.
You know no guy's ever
going to come between us, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're right.
And, you know,
we were a little out of it
when we made that pact.
We were -- We were a little,
uh-huh, gone.
We -- Blame it on the alcohol.
Yeah. Definitely.
Listen.
I really want to start
dating again.
I think we both should.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
You know,
Jeff seems pretty cool.
Mm.
I mean, I'm always gonna
be your toughest critic,
because I want you
to have the best,
but, um, you know,
he'll do for now.
Oh, for now.
-Yeah.
-Well, let me tell you.
Mm-hmm.
He's a pretty amazing kisser.
Stop. You did not.
-Oh, baby!
-Like so good? Like real good?
-Uh, very nice.
-Oh, my God!
I haven't even kissed Ben yet.
-No?
-And let me tell you something,
like I want to kiss him
like a tiger. Like
Oh, you gotta pounce on it
like a tiger.
Like those animal instincts.
Ask and the universe
shall deliver.
I mean,
is it kind of, kind of weird
that they're
like blood brothers?
like, kind of like with us?
Ancestral or something?
I mean.
Mm.
-Nah.
-Nah.
Let's do it.
We gonna watch
a Christmas movie or something,
or you just sit in the dark
when I'm not here?
-Let's do it. Love you.
-Come on.
Get one of those
classics on, baby.
-Let's do it.
-Love you.
Love you.
I miss Christmas.
Yeah. I miss our sunshines.
I mean, they're so cute.
I'm glad they're staying
with us tonight.
Mm-hmm.
A New Year is upon us.
Mm-hmm.
I'm just glad that we decided
not to adopt this year,
you know?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, being an auntie's
so much better.
It's like being a grandparent.
You get to kiss them,
spoil them,
then hand them
right back to their parents.
Don't have to handle -- do any
of those difficult questions.
Yeah. Those difficult questions.
-Mm-hmm.
-Leave it to the parents.
-Amen, sister.
-I have a question.
-Mm!
-Yes, angel?
Where do babies come from?
You wanna hear what my friend
at school told me?
Practically married,
practically married
We got that wide-eyed glow
and our sweet attitude
We know each other's quirks,
don't need a damn dude
Sick of the dating scene,
catfished too many times
Boys say they grown-ass men
But then they act like
they be nine
Best friends
for all our lives
To hell, it's modern times
Let's make our own rules now,
our track record's sublime
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
It's all gonna work out.
Yeah.
Yeah. Whoa.
Fuck. Can we get someone
to clean this up?
Didn't you hire help?
Where's my nanny?
-Where's that lady?
-Yeah, that chick, like --
-She seems to be --
-Cut.
Best friends
for all our lives
To hell, it's modern times
Let's make our own rules now,
our track record's sublime
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
We're like
practically married
We practically married
It's Christmas time
with our nephews
Let's let our hair down,
put on them dancing shoes
Nephews are
with their best friends
And we do the damn thing
Parental status on fleek,
are we just insane?
We're like practically
married, practically
We're like practically
married, practically
We're like practically
married, practically
We're like
practically married
We practically married
Yo, I ain't got
no problem with bestie
But I know deep inside
you feel empty
You need a guy by your side
who'll be down for the ride
To provide something
more interesting
Let me be the next best thing,
I know change ain't easy
But let's be honest,
ain't no way to convince me
That you don't want a man
in your life
But I know you got your code,
you and your girl so close
Let's raise this glass
and toast
Congratulate you both
because you're
Practically married,
practically
We're like practically
married, practically
We're like practically
married, practically
We're like
practically married
We practically married