Prego (2015) Movie Script

I'm pregnant
Oh yeah, it's pretty pleasant... Fancy.
can I get you anything else?
No. We're good. Thank you.
She's cute. I wonder what her deal is.
I'm pregnant
Hey! Wow! Congratulations!
Who's the lucky dad?
You are.
No... seriously
Yes. Pregnant.
What do you mean pregnant?
How are you pregnant?
You're kidding, right?
hmmm... mmm... this is good coffee
Do you... do you get what's going on here?
I'm pregnant!
So? So, it's yours what do you mean so?
What's mine?
The baby
Hey dad!
I'm gonna burn your fucking house down!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
You're pregnant
And... it's...
It's yours alright...
Are you sure?
Can you double check?
Oh my God!
Oh! How could I let this happen?
I think I'm ready to settle down...
with someone else...
I'm breaking up with you
You know what?
Fuck em'
Girl... Power
Oh my God!
Shut up!
Oh! When will death take me?
How the hell are we going to raise a baby?
Give it breast milk...
...and plenty of sunlight,
I'm sure it will be fine
It's not a fucking plant
You give your plants breast milk?
Okay, you know what?
You're a real asshole
You're not taking this shit seriously!
You and I are about to have a baby,
my friend. A real life fucking baby.
Now I need you to man up and take some
responsibility because I am not raising a kid by myself
Now I need to know, right now!
Are you in? or are you out?
Hey dad!
Let's smoke this shit!
I'm in!
Count me in!
You're in... That's...
It's good.
So how much money do you have?
You want money now? How much do you want?
I was hoping that you...
...was going to pay for lunch
No, asshole! How much money do you make?
What do you do for a living?
I used to be a food tester,
but that didn't pan out
Food tester? Really?
Yeah, I did quality control for
a food company
What company did you work for?
As in the dog food company?
No, this one didn't have a license
Oh, but you were eating
dog food for a living?
Dog food...
Cat food,
Fish food, bird food, all kinds
That is disgusting on so many levels!
Well, it's irrelevant.
They had to shut us down
Apparently some dogs died
of food poisoning...
PETA labeled our food as a form of
"animal abuse"
I don't know... I liked it.
Look lady! 9 out of 10 businesses fail
within the first year
We had a good month
Hold it!
Did you just call me "lady"?
What's my name?
Question mark?
Oh! I'm go... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna kill him
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna...
Dude! Calm down!
What's your problem?
My problem?
You really don't get my problem?
You're broke
You have no income, no future, no prospects
no fucking sense of reality
And I?
am pregnant!
with a baby! Your baby!
Your fucking baby!
Babies cost money...
Babies need care, they need a mom and a dad
and you are weird as hell!
and... and...
we're dealing with a human fucking life here,
what the fuck is the matter with you!
I knew it...
I knew that this was going to happen...
I'm going to have to raise
this baby all alone and...
...and I can't... I can't... I...
Okay, okay, okay! hey, hey, hey...
Don't cry...
You're right...
I'm sorry...
I'm just a little freaked out, is all
This is a lot to handle on a Sunday morning
it's Wednesday!
You won't have to raise this baby alone
I'll... help you with whatever...
And... I'll be there for you...
every step of the way
You have my word
You take care of the bills...
and the money...
...and all that stuff
and I'll have... an unlimited
...tainted, dog food supply
we're in this together...
I'm Mark by the way
It's a pleasure
Are you okay?
mm? Yeah!
Sure! Okay!
Look... I'm going to take a piss...
and when I come back
we're going to sit down and talk details
I want to know... everything!
Do you have a bathroom here?
Down the hall, to your left
Oh! That dick!