Premarital (2026) Movie Script

1
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[birds chirping]
[man 1] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to hitch these two beautiful
sons of bitches that
love each other so much.
[woman 1] I think
that's Southern.
[man 1] What does it sound
like then?
Like this?
I want to marry you.
[laughs]
[woman 1] Dracula.
That's a choice.
Well, then what does
a Midwestern accent
sound like, eh?
Is that Canadian? Eh?
Hey.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
Relax.
-I'm sorry.
-Oh my gosh. It's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be fine.
No, there are just--
There are a few things that
I have not told you about
my family.
The religious stuff.
I know all about the religious
stuff.
It's fine.
If anyone asks,
can you just say that we don't
live together?
Like,
say you live with a friend.
I don't know if I'm comfortable
flat out lying.
It's not lying.
It's glossing over the details.
A sin of omission?
Sin of omission, that's more
of a Catholic thing.
Protestants are all about
sins of emission.
Ew.
[laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
[]
Something about the will,
channeling the will,
splitting it.
[man 2] I really thought it was
Augustine.
[man 3] No.
Aristotle?
[man 2] Mm-mm.
[man 3] I swear it was an A.
[man 2] Well, since when
is scripture not enough?
[man 3] I just really wanna
drive this point home.
[clicking]
[robot vacuum whirring]
[printer whirring]
[clicking]
[]
[knocking on door]
Pastor Stu, they're starting
the last song now.
Oh, thank you, Helen.
[takes deep breath]
Nervous?
Well, it's the first time
we're all under the same roof
in years, so...
They'll just be happy
to see you.
Yeah.
[laughs]
[choir] ...My soul,
my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art
[sighs]
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[]
[clears throat]
Let's pray.
[car passes]
So,
what should I talk about then?
Uh, talk about
your master's program.
That's interesting.
Okay.
Just don't mention
your research.
It's literally
a research program.
Yeah,
just talk about the biology part
without getting into the
evolutionary part.
Your parents are not like
flat Earthers, are they?
No, not flat Earthers,
just young Earthers.
Oh, also no smoking, sorry,
I'm sorry.
-Okay.
-[woman 1] Yeah. So sorry.
One week.
[kisses]
[man 4] Ready?
Here we go.
[door opening and closing]
Exhale.
[exhales]
[man 4] And squeeze.
[gunfire]
Jesus fuck.
-[laughs]
-Hey.
Look at that.
Oh my gosh.
-Look at that.
-Yay.
You might wanna watch that
language.
Who's that man?
That's Alan.
He's gonna be your new uncle.
[girl 1] Ah.
Well, look
at these cool New Yorkers.
Hey, I'm walking here.
-[Alan] Hey.
-[laughs]
-That's what you sound like.
-I've seen that on some show.
[laughs]
Hey.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Dad.
Dad, this is Alan.
I can tell by the dashing
good looks.
Sir, it is so great to--
-Hi, Aunt Sophie.
-[man 5] Dad!
-[Sophie] Hi, Jesse.
-[Stewart] Yeah.
Oh, gosh.
-[Alan] Hi.
-You know what?
Your mother's out.
I'm on kitchen duty.
[Alan] Is everything okay?
Should I--
-[Sophie] Dad.
-[Stewart] You know--
Okay, move, move, move.
Can I help?
Oh, I goofed.
I-- I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I just goofed.
I--
I shouldn't go near that thing.
-[Sophie] It's okay.
-But I can--
Whoa.
The tallest of all-est,
and he's good-looking.
Do you have any siblings?
'Cause I got a whole bunch I'm
still trying to get rid of.
[Stewart laughs]
[Alan] No siblings.
Oh, well, you do now.
Hi, everybody.
Sorry, we missed the uh,
service this morning.
Our flight got delayed.
Well, at least you guys had
a good excuse.
Where were the rest
of you Philistines?
[man clears throat]
I was here, P Stu.
Yes.
You-- you were there, Benji.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
What's up?
New guy.
Benji.
Hey.
[leaves rustling]
[pouring milk]
You saved the day, honey.
You did.
Oh, could you also make me
those cookies that I like?
Already in the oven.
[Stewart laughs]
[Stewart] Isn't she terrific?
Yeah, subservient wife
in training.
Don't worry, Grace
is just jealous someone actually
wants to marry Sophie.
[Grace] It's true.
I'm dying to consign my ovaries
to the patriarchy.
[speaks Korean]
Okay. Goodnight, grandpa.
-Goodnight, you guys. Love you.
-[Jesse] Goodnight, grandpa.
Naomi, help your brother, okay?
And Jared,
how are your studies going?
[Jared] Um...
[clears throat]
It's fine.
-[Stewart] Yeah?
-It's good, yeah.
Jared's following
in his old man's footsteps.
Gonna be a man of the cloth.
[Stewart chuckles]
[Stewart] And now w--
what about you?
So Sophie says you're
into the sciences or--
Yeah.
Actually, I uh, majored in--
ev-- ev-- ev-- I've--
I've done bi--
I do biology.
-[Sophie] Dad, I--
-Hm.
Why don't we go ahead and--
and eat?
Mom said she was gonna be late.
[Stewart] Okay, everyone's
attention, though, for a moment.
Um...
[clears throat]
Okay.
Uh, Sophie, um...
-...on the day you were born-
-Dad.
-[Jared] Dad.
-[Grace] Oh, here we go.
[Stewart] Sorry.
I know. [sniffles]
You're doing it again.
[Stewart] In your whole life,
the most important decision
you're gonna make is whom
to marry.
I was
so lucky I found your mother.
And well, Jared, you were
so lucky to have found Mae.
[Benji] And Leah has an amazing
boyfriend.
What?
Who said that?
We're very blessed
to have you here, too, Benji.
Ay.
Now, anyway, I-- it's nice
to have common interests
and you know, maybe good looks
a-- and all that,
but more importantly,
you wanna find someone
with integrity.
Someone whose yes is yes
and their no is no,
and can look in the eye
and know that you're
on the same page.
And Al, I have been praying
for you since long before
the two of you ever met.
May the Lord bless you both.
-[Jared] Hear, hear.
-[Sophie] Thanks, dad.
[glasses clinking]
[gulping]
Ah.
That's good stuff.
Okay. Now, Al,
would you do us the honor
of blessing this meal that your
lovely bride-to-be has prepared
for us?
Oh, I mean, I don't think I--
I'll do it. I'll pray.
Come on, the food
is getting cold.
No, hang on.
No, no, no, let the man speak.
What's the matter?
Uh, you are absolutely right,
integrity is everything,
and uh, I-- I don't wanna get
off on the wrong foot, Sophie,
so I don't wanna pretend
I'm somebody I'm not.
[playful instrumental music
playing]
Oh.
Oh.
You're a Catholic?
[Alan] I'm not an anything.
I don't--
I'm not religious at all.
[game sounds]
[bangs]
Fuck!
[exhales]
[door closes]
[Alan] Yeah,
but I never gave you permission
to tell 'em I was Christian.
No, that's a big deal.
Yeah, I kn-- I didn't tell them
anything.
They assumed.
It's their way of life.
But it's not mine.
I just-- I wanted them
to like you.
And sweeping things
under the rug is kind
of the family culture.
I don't wanna do that with you.
I'm sorry.
[door opens]
All right,
I will see you guys later.
I'm going.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Driving away.
Bye, Benji.
Oh, what's up?
[owl hooting]
[car lock beeping]
Oh, this week is gonna be hell.
Hey, hey.
We got this.
Should we get some sleep?
About that,
your room's up there,
mine's back there.
Oh.
Sorry.
-House rules.
-I understand--
And I'm not sweeping things
under the rug,
I just think with how tonight
went--
I have rocked the boat more than
enough for one day,
so it's okay.
See you tomorrow?
Okay.
[kisses softly]
[smacks]
[Sophie laughs]
Miss you already.
[clicks lighter]
Oh.
[crickets chirping]
One week.
[Leah grunts, thuds]
-The f--
-[Leah] Ugh.
[Alan] Oh my God, are you okay?
[shushes]
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[dishes clink]
[Stewart] Sophie just needs
to have an honest conversation
with him about this.
No, she's compromised.
Missionary dating
is a bogus approach
to conversion.
It throws the whole motivation
into question.
[Grace] Uh, who are you to talk?
You missionary dated your wife,
literally.
Yeah,
but I fully converted her before
we even kissed.
Okay, so do you think he's a
full-blown atheist
or just still searching?
[Grace] What's the big deal?
I'm a Buddhist.
[Stewart laughs]
[Jared] Okay, Grace.
[Stewart] Okay, sweetie, yes,
you think you're a Buddhist,
but actually you're just
in a protractive rebellious
phase, and it'll pass.
[thumps]
[sighs]
[bottles clink]
[gulps]
[mother] Good stuff's under
the sink.
[Alan] Oh, shit.
Mazel tov.
Heard you made quite the
impression tonight.
[playful music playing]
Uh, yeah, everyone was uh,
was really--
[mother] It's okay.
It must have been overwhelming
for you.
Sorry, I couldn't be here.
So you're not concerned?
I know my daughter,
and if she thinks that you have
potential, so do I.
Potential.
Thanks, uh, I think.
[glass pieces clink]
So you're the family
night owl, huh?
[mother] Mm-hmm.
My youngest likes to sneak out.
I stand guard sometimes
to put the fear of God in her.
She's a little bit too much
like me, but don't worry,
Sophie takes after her dad.
In what way?
You know, i-- idealism, romance.
You must be quite the romantic
to have captured Sophie's heart.
I think less of a romantic, more
of a pragmatist.
And with all due respect,
I think that's what Sophie likes
about me.
My mistake.
[birds chirping]
[Mae] There's coffee there.
Sophie went out with dad.
[Alan] Oh, thank you.
What are you working on?
Oh, a paper.
Oh, you're in school, too?
No, I just help Jared with some
of the busy work
when he's uh, busy.
[gunshot in background]
[cheering & laughing
in background]
Uh, what's the subject?
Transubstantiation.
Oh, that is
my favorite Death Cab album.
What?
Never mind, sorry.
[clock chimes]
What does it mean?
It's like when the bread
and the wine
of the Eucharist become the body
and the blood of Jesus Christ.
Okay.
[laughs]
It's cool.
Jared actually refused
to write the paper,
because we do not believe
in transubstantiation.
He said we should refuse wasting
time on it.
[gunshots firing]
[Jared] Booyah, baby!
Bull's eye!
Woo!
But I don't want it
to hurt his academic record.
Sure, I understand that.
[Jared] Can anybody beat that?
What kind of biology did you say
you were studying?
Oh, paleobiology.
My focus, though, is
on the Cretaceous Period.
What's the Cretaceous Period?
It's actually a period of time
from over 145 million years ago.
Jesse, go play with dad.
But why?
[inhales sharply]
[speaks Korean]
[laughing]
Wow, so interesting.
I would love to hear more
about that sometime.
[seagulls squawking]
-[Sophie] Come on, old man.
-[Stewart] Oh.
[Sophie] We used
to do this every weekend.
[Stewart] Yeah, well, I used
to not be 60
with high cholesterol.
[laughs]
A-yai-yai.
[Sophie] Oh, I've missed this.
[Stewart] Oh, it's beautiful.
I-- how could you come up here,
look at this,
and not believe that
there's a God, huh?
Honey, have you ever heard
of the term unequally yoked?
Yeah,
but I don't love being compared
to an ox.
No, that--
that's just a metaphor.
No, that's Paul using imagery
from the ancient world,
but the rest
of the passage goes...
[Sophie] "What partnership has
righteousness with lawlessness?
What fellowship has light
with darkness?"
[soft piano music playing]
So you've thought about this.
[Sophie] Of course.
But dad, Alan isn't lawless.
[Stewart] No, again, it--
it's just a metaphor.
I think the main idea
is that you shouldn't give
your life
to someone who doesn't share
your faith.
Sweetie, marriage
is hard enough as it is.
Do you want it to be harder?
Divorce rates aren't any lower
for people
who are equally yoked.
[Stewart] Well, that's true.
Absolutely true.
We are living in a fallen world.
[sighs]
Look, dad,
I know this isn't exactly what
you had in mind for me, but Alan
is a good man.
He's patient, and understanding,
compassionate.
He loves me
for exactly who I am,
no strings attached,
and I love him
for exactly who he is.
She's compromised, period.
[humorous music playing]
Her female hormones have taken
over,
and she can't see straight,
period.
Uh, nail polish emoji,
baby emoji.
Um, it's up to us now, dash,
call a family meeting,
exclamation point,
exclamation point.
[beeps]
Hey, let's roll.
[laughs]
[air horn blares]
Family meeting in 10 minutes,
compulsory for all.
Family meeting, 10 minutes.
It is compulsory.
[Stewart] So listen, I--
I feel bad that we got off
to a shaky start last night,
'cause let me tell you
something,
that is not what this family
is about, okay?
So I wanna make it up to you,
so I want the two of you
to go out, have a nice lunch.
-No.
[Stewart] No, no, no, on me.
Dad, that's really
not necessary.
[Stewart] I insist. No, no.
-What? What?
-No, no, come on.
No, no, no, just come on,
you gotta get going.
Come on, jump in there.
You're gonna jump--
-No, no, you're--
-Okay.
Gonna jump in over here.
You can't-- [laughs]
You can't both drive.
Oh, and I meant to tell you,
they say that
when you marry someone,
you also marry their family.
Ooh.
Okay, have fun, you guys.
[door shuts]
[laughs]
Yum, yum, yum.
[string music playing]
All right, put it right here.
-[Grace] Holed down here.
-[Jared] Come on, Grace.
[Stewart] Okay.
[Grace] Why do you have
an air horn?
The Whitaker family meeting
comes to order.
-Okay, guys.
-[Grace] Give me that.
[air horn blares]
[Stewart] Okay, God.
Oh, no, no, no.
[Jared] Let go of my air horn.
[overlapping speech]
[Jared] Let go of my air horn,
Grace.
Jared!
[Stewart] Listen-- thank you,
Mae.
Now, we have five days
before the wedding.
That's five days
to rescue this marriage
from being doomed before it even
begins.
That's five days
to bring Alan Rhodes to Christ.
Yes, sweetie?
Are we sure that it has
to happen before the wedding?
Like, as long as it happens
before he dies.
Oh, wow, that
is such a slippery slope.
I mean,
first you make allowances
for marrying a secular.
Next thing you know,
you're getting gay married.
Suck it!
-Jared.
-What?
I've dated women.
Oh, that was for woke points,
Grace.
[Stewart]
Okay, you know what?
They are halfway through lunch
already.
We haven't even begun.
Full-blown atheists?
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, why don't we just
rip off the Band-Aid
while everything's
already messy
and just tell him we're staying
in New York?
[soft restaurant music playing]
Longman and Scout have landed.
Here you go, Pastor Erwin.
[newspaper crinkles]
[Erwin] Thank you, Shelly.
You know, it might be less
concerning for him
if he knew we were
actually more
on the same page than he thinks.
[Alan] Does he know you don't go
to church anymore?
No.
And if he found out,
he would think you were
corrupting me.
You stopped going to church
long before you met me.
I know that.
But it's all-- it's--
-[Alan] Complicated.
-[Sophie] It's complicated.
[Alan] I understand.
[Sophie] For me, it's okay.
It's something that I've
accepted as, I don't know,
part of the game,
but my dad grew up
in a different time.
[playful music playing]
And then when we move
in for the kill, you girls have
to take Sophie out
of the picture,
so she can't protect him
anymore.
Classic misogyny.
You got a better plan?
We could leave them alone.
Oh, Grace, you have to stand up
for your beliefs if they are
going to mean anything,
especially in a world that
is persecuting Christians left
and right.
I mean, when Cassie Bernall
had that gun to her--
-[Grace] Ugh.
-That was a hoax.
[Grace] No.
[Stewart] When Cassie Bernall
had a gun to her head
at Columbine,
and that gunman said to her,
"Do you believe in God?"
What did she say?
[Grace] Dad.
Did she hide her faith
under a bushel?
No!
Dad, we talked about not
weaponizing tragedy.
No, no, it's not weaponized,
because I'm just saying
what happened.
Nothing would have happened had
those teachers been weaponized.
Oh.
[man 5] I don't get it.
If somebody puts a gun
to your head,
why wouldn't you just say
whatever they wanna hear?
Okay, now you see, right here,
that's exactly the type
of thinking that allowed Hitler
to rise to power.
You have to stand
for what you believe.
In North Korea,
they put Christians
in labor camps.
That's where I would be if
my parents had not escaped.
Now, you see, Mae gets it.
A-- a-- and she's coming
from the front lines of the war.
Does this have to be about war?
What about the law
of attraction?
Will it even count if
you trick him into it?
Okay, Grace, no one
is tricking anyone into
anything, okay?
It's just more like we're
expediting. Yeah, and...
[Stewart laughs]
[Stewart] I mean, you know how
all this stuff works.
I mean, you used to be a pro.
-No, no, I wasn't.
-Pfft. Yes, you were.
[Stewart] Okay, look,
if it makes you guys
feel better,
he's probably already close
to believing in his heart.
I mean, most people are.
They're just
so stubborn about saying it.
[Mae] It's true.
He seemed really interested
in my--
Jared's theology paper
this morning.
[Stewart] See? Right there.
He's teetering on the edge.
What does that mean?
It means he needs a little bit
of a push,
just got a little push
to get him over.
It's kind
of like premarital counseling.
Yeah.
It's gonna be just like
old times, you guys.
This is gonna be fun, okay?
Okay?
-[Mae] Okay.
-[Stewart] Okay.
[clapping]
-Yay.
-[Stewart] Okay, here we go.
Phase one, sugar.
-[Stewart] Heads up.
-Oh.
Dad, we are already way behind
schedule.
No, no, no.
Look, this is important.
Um, we got off
on the wrong foot, mea culpa,
so we just want to make it right
and show you
what the Whitaker family
is all about.
One quick game?
You don't know my family.
This is probably a trap.
It's just a game.
Yeah, exactly.
Come on. It'll be fun.
One game.
[playful music playing]
Play ball.
I mean,
set aside your postmodern
navel-gazing just a second,
and let's pretend there's
something called, "truth".
Can you see how the Bible speaks
to our predicament?
[Alan] I'm not saying that
I think the Bible
is strictly untrue.
I'm just saying that I don't
believe that it holds a monopoly
on truth.
How do you mean?
[Alan] Take your Old Testament.
Those stories were based
on existing mythologies
circulating in the Fertile
Crescent for generations.
I mean, way further back than
your Jewish roots.
[gasps, laughs]
Oho!
[Stewart] So, you guys ever find
your missing link?
[Stewart laughs]
[Stewart] Oh, and what about
uh, the Cambrian explosion?
Ever hear of that?
[Alan] Yeah.
[Stewart] And?
And-- and squeeze.
And it's extremely complicated.
Yes, yes, it is complicated,
but you know what isn't?
The Gospel.
[gunshot]
[cans clank]
[bird chirping]
Please.
-Oh.
-Oh, yeah.
You know, you seem
to know a lot about this
for a biology student.
I like podcasts.
[Stewart] Okay,
so you're gonna trust a man
in front of a microphone
in his mom's basement
over a text that has withstood
the test of time for millennia.
I mean,
you just give your allegiance
to anything that tickles
your fancy?
[Alan] No, I have principles.
Based in?
[sparks]
S-- science.
Oh, science. Yeah.
[Alan] Hey, science got us
to the moon.
Where has religion gotten us
lately?
[Stewart laughs]
Western civilization.
[firework shoots, explodes]
[laughs, cheers]
[sighs]
I'm almost embarrassed
to admit it,
but it felt really good
to shoot those guns.
Like, I felt powerful.
Alan.
What?
[sighs]
Come on, we're getting along.
Isn't that what you wanted?
We're respecting each other's
differences.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to shut him down?
No.
I want you
to tell him what he wants
to hear,
or he'll never leave you alone.
I don't wanna lie to them,
though.
Maybe there's a way
to say it that isn't untrue.
I mean, if you don't believe
any of it,
why does it matter what you say
about it?
It matters because it's my word.
-It's your ego.
-No.
Hey, this is about
how we're gonna live
our lives together.
I don't sweep things
under the rug.
[romantic music playing]
It's just he's got his hooks
in you, and he's going
to start looking for weaknesses.
Sophie, I know this
is complicated for you.
I can take it, okay?
Hey, what's up, Leah?
Hey, um, do you mind if I--
Oh, not at all,
it's your room.
Do what you gotta do.
Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
[thuds]
[ripping]
[intense music playing]
[people screaming]
[light-hearted music playing]
[Jared] This is pantheism.
It's heretical.
No, it's not.
It's panentheism.
That's what I said, pantheism.
This is a theological fallacy.
Even if you get a D,
that's better than not turning
anything in.
Not turning this in
is a statement.
What's theologic phalluses?
[chuckles]
Um...
[door opens]
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[door closes]
[door opens]
Morning, sleepyheads.
Appreciate you giving up
your room.
It was very kind of you.
Yeah, of course.
Listen, with the wedding
and the-- the crusade
and everything,
I know everyone's running around
like chickens with their heads
cut off, but I'm still here
for you, kiddo, so if there's
anything that you--
Mom, ugh, it's kind of early
for a lecture.
Sorry.
How do pancakes sound?
[sighs]
Well, I see you got my gift.
Yeah.
-Thank you.
-[chuckles]
It's uh, it's pointed.
Yeah.
So the whole thing's just going
through--
H-E double hockey sticks.
-Wow.
-Oh, yeah.
Dante.
Oh, it's just one of the greats.
"I am the way into the city
of woe.
I am the way into eternal pain.
I am the way to go
among the lost."
Wow.
-Come on. Let's get milk.
-Oh, can't do it.
I promised, uh, Sophie I'd be
on wedding duty today.
[Stewart] No, no,
I told her all the girls are
going for the dress fitting,
you can't see that, because
then that's bad luck,
so come on.
It'll-- Be back in a jiffy.
Clark, come on.
You go with us.
Bye.
[laughs]
[door shuts]
One family drinks so much pop.
[laughs]
It's unbelie--
[western country music playing]
Who's that?
Bruce.
He's the pastor at the mega
church in Benton Harbor.
Fine day, ain't it?
Beautiful.
[trolley rattles]
[car passes]
[game sounds]
So do you guys got like,
a rivalry or something?
Oh, no, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
It's more of a...
[inhales]
I don't know, differences
in theology,
I suppose you could say.
[tires screeching]
[fast-paced percussions music
playing]
Oh.
Whoa.
Okay. Are you all right? Clark?
-I'm fine.
-Are you okay?
Oh, no, no, no.
Sir, I--
sir, I think we should exchange
insurance information.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, we're gonna need a tow.
-We are gonna need a tow.
-I don't think we need a tow.
No, we're gonna need a tow.
I'm--
I don't think it's totaled--
We barely even touched him.
But we're gonna need-- You know
what? I'm just gonna pull in
right here,
and we'll wait right over there.
Okay.
[car beeping]
[door closing]
Oh, wow.
[Stewart] Alan,
can I ask you something?
[Alan] Sure.
[Stewart] Just now when we were
in that terrible pileup,
what were you thinking about?
Did your life flash before
your eyes?
'Cause, you know,
had I hit those brakes
just a split second later--
Sure.
You know where you would've
gone?
[beeps]
What went through your mind
at that moment?
Uh, I guess just that I love
Sophie very much.
[spiritual music playing]
Yeah, that's sweet.
Yeah.
And it's nice that your last
thought wasn't hateful.
But Al,
human love can't sustain you.
A person can't bear that weight,
and it's not fair
to ask a human person to try
to fill a hole that can only be
filled by God.
You know, Al--
I-- Can I share
my testimony with you?
Your te-- uh, yeah.
-Sure.
-Thank you.
I was lucky.
I grew up in a Christian home,
but it never really made sense
to me, you know, like,
in my heart,
until one day, I was sitting
right here, I mean right here
in this church,
and I was looking at the light
coming through that window.
And there are some things...
...there are some things that
are just beyond words.
[Jared] Goddammit,
whose Bluetooth is on?
Oh, sorry.
I'm turning it off.
[spiritual music playing]
Like, how did we get here?
How did um, how did any
of this get here?
I mean,
I think we're still trying
to figure that out, right?
Physicists seem to think we came
from a singularity.
Oh.
And...
[laughs]
Yeah.
The Big Bang.
-Yeah.
-Okay, primordial soup.
You know, it's just a hop, skip,
and a jump between Darwinism
and loading people
into a gas chamber.
Mm.
Well, and look. Look, look,
look, I can sympathize.
I'm a lapsed atheist myself.
I mean, didn't you say you were
born into this?
See, I didn't choose to be born
into a non-religious family
any more than you chose
to be born into a Christian one.
Okay, so you're a Calvinist.
A-- a what?
Predestination.
Okay, so once upon a time,
a Calvinist falls
down the stairs, gets up,
brushes himself off, and says,
"Well, thank God that's over."
[laughs]
Thank God that's over.
[chuckles]
Al, tell me, is there any room
for free choice
in this philosophy of yours?
I don't know.
Yeah, I'd like
to think there is.
Hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can run with that.
[chuckles]
[door opens]
[bell on door jingles]
[Clark] I am so sorry I'm late.
What did I miss?
[gasps]
Oh my God.
Clark, you're a boy.
What are you doing here?
Uh, Sophie said that she n--
needed--
Champagne.
-Did you bring it?
-Yep.
[Sophie] Thank God.
Will you pour me a tall one?
Thank you.
[cork pops]
Leah,
are you gonna have champagne?
Really?
That's a first.
Are you sure you don't want to?
Drop it.
What has gotten into you two?
Grace, stop taking it out
on her.
What are you talking about?
[Sophie]
What are you talking about?
Literally nothing.
Sophie, do you need any help
with your dress?
No. Wait.
I wanna know why I'm supposed
to be mad at you.
Because I made her
maid of honor.
You made her what?
Oh, shit.
[emotional string music playing]
[gasps]
Oh my goodness.
Come, come, come, come.
[Naomi] You look so pretty,
Aunt Sophie.
Oh my gosh, honey.
Grace, I'm so sorry.
I thought you knew.
[Mother] Oh, honey,
you are gorgeous.
[Clark] This is perfect.
Congratulations, Leah.
[Alan] Ready?
You want it?
-[Clark] No, no, no.
-[Alan] You want it?
You want it?
Come and get it.
-Motherf-- Fucker.
-Ah! Ah!
-Asshole.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I thought Whitakers weren't
supposed to swear.
Uh, no. It just has to be
for a good reason.
Got it.
[laughs]
Oh, it's-- it's more
of a smoke screen,
'cause if they're worried about
the obvious surface stuff,
they tend not
to notice other things.
Hmm. So you're saying I should
just start swearing and smoking
in front of them?
Oh, no, honey, your cat's out
of the bag.
They know your soul is damned.
You know, Clark, in New York,
you could be...
I could be what?
Whatever you want.
Hmm.
I have my reason for staying
for now.
-Oh. Oh.
-Hmm.
Oh. [laughs]
Do we get to meet this reason
at the wedding?
-Yeah.
-No pressure.
I'm just saying they're welcome.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
[saying Grace indistinctly]
[knocking on door]
Yep.
[door creaks open]
[fist-bumps]
[thuds]
[blows smoke]
[crickets chirping]
[Mother] Bruce.
Oh, no, no, Bruce.
Stop.
We can't do this here.
[romantic song playing]
Okay, then come see me.
-Come visit me.
-Oh.
I have a lot going on this week,
but I will soon.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-Okay.
-Bye.
[kiss]
[sighs]
Patricia, God has a plan for us.
[kissing]
What the fuck?
[birds chirping]
[Sophie] Morning.
[Leah] Oh my days, Sophie.
[Leah sighs]
Fuck.
[door opens, closes]
Got any big announcements?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, I really wanted
to tell you.
I just like didn't wanna
distract you from the wedding.
[chuckles]
I'm already distracted.
How far along are you?
All right, let's see.
It would've been about...
[upbeat music playing]
You may think it controversial
that a 58-year-old woman
is still a virgin,
but you know what?
That's what faith looks like,
trusting God's timing
in everything.
I know He's preparing the right
person for me,
and when the day comes,
he will walk in my door and say,
"Helen, I'm so glad you waited
for me.
I waited for you, too."
That
is what true romance looks like.
[Leah] After that,
it all happened kind of fast.
[door shuts]
[romantic song playing]
Open up
Let me in
I'm giving every part
of me to you
[Leah] Just kind of flipped.
I'm sorry.
I should have been more careful.
It's okay.
No one even told me
what a condom was until I was
practically in college.
What's a condom?
I'm kidding.
I made a mistake, okay?
Okay.
Does Benji know?
No, not yet at least.
Do you need help with anything?
Yeah, just getting Grace off of
my back.
I take it she wants you
to do something about it?
Yeah.
She wants to take me
to get it done
right after the wedding.
Is that what you want?
I don't know.
[birds chirping]
Do you think you're ready
to be a mom?
I don't know.
Is anyone ever really ready?
Uh, yeah,
I think people can be ready.
Really?
I mean, relatively speaking,
yeah.
Do you think I'm ready?
[door opens]
Well, aren't you up early?
Just getting some sun.
Looked a little pale in
my dress yesterday.
Careful you don't burn.
[door shuts]
[slow instrumental music
playing]
Hey, can I show you something?
[exhales]
I have no doubt you can beat him
at his own game, but you have
to ask yourself, at what cost?
[slow instrumental music
playing]
I mean,
why are you showing me this?
Don't you want me to convert?
Yes, but the heart isn't won
over by arguments.
You two are just butting heads,
and somebody's gonna get hurt.
Can I have one of those?
One of what?
[lighter clicks]
[exhales]
I've seen the way that Sophie
looks at you,
and I see the way that you look
at her,
and you already have everything.
You don't throw it away just
to win a philosophy debate.
I'm not trying to win anything,
just trying to be myself.
If you're lucky enough
to have a family,
you'll see that it's not always
as clear-cut as it seems.
Sometimes it's counterintuitive,
and the only way to win is
to lose.
[takes a drag]
[wood creaks]
[Stewart] He just seems so lost.
-[Helen] Hmm.
-You know?
And I feel helpless to try
to really connect with him.
Oh, wow, am I losing my mojo?
Did you give him the Dante?
I think he read the whole thing.
Incredible.
What was his reaction?
Well, he's a Calvinist.
A secular Calvinist?
Yeah, you know, determinism.
Why bother worrying about it if
the outcome's already decided?
Well,
you gotta give him Karl Barth.
Hmm?
What about the joke
about the stairs?
Crickets.
Don't give up hope,
Stewart.
You know Darwin himself
converted to Christianity
on his deathbed.
[Stewart]
Yeah, no, I know that, sure,
but he probably thinks
it's a hoax.
What?
-Oh.
-Yeah.
-Everything's a hoax these days.
-Yeah.
I mean, so I suppose the
Holocaust was a hoax.
Oh, oof.
Well, look,
you can keep taking him
to your favorite places
and sharing your favorite books,
but what matters to him?
[laughing]
Ah.
Ah.
[Sophie laughing]
Sophie, uh,
your mother and I would like
to talk
to you guys about something.
In our experience, one
of the things that couples
disagree upon most is how
to bring up children.
Now, w-- we-- we just wanted
to make sure that you're
prepared
for the differences inherent
in your perspectives.
Al, any thoughts on that?
Um, I don't wanna speak
for Sophie, but based
on the discussions we've had,
I-- I think we're
in agreement about the
psychological harm that
could be done to kids through
excessive shaming
and guilting tactics.
Sophie?
W-- well, yeah, I agree.
But that doesn't necessarily
mean that I don't wanna
give them some kind
of foundation.
Uh-huh.
-[Alan] Wait, hold on, hold on.
-Uh, sorry.
After all the work you've done
to undo the weird baggage
the church has given you--
W-- w-- what weird baggage?
H-- honey,
do you have weird baggage?
I'm not necessarily saying that
I want them
to have the same experience,
but I am glad that I was given
certain moral building blocks
to work with.
Exactly.
-Yes.
-Exactly.
I like morals, and our kids are
gonna have lots of 'em.
But where do you base
the authority of your morals?
Uh, because without God,
you are stuck in relativism.
Look, man, this
is hypothetical anyway.
It's if we even decide
to have kids, okay?
Ooh.
[laughs]
Dad, I don't wanna talk about
this right now.
Well, then when?
[Alan] Sorry.
After you commit your lives
to each other?
[sighs]
Honey, I'll look after her.
You wanna seal the deal tonight?
Yeah.
[sighs]
Trust me, it'll loosen him up.
[pats]
[door shuts]
[sighs]
[Stewart] Forgive me.
[bar music playing]
[groans]
Another one of these?
Make him a White Russian.
What's a White Russian?
Don't worry, you'll like it.
It's got milk in it.
Alan, I think maybe we hit you
too hard.
Are you feeling okay?
Oh my gosh, don't look
at me like that.
Now I feel bad.
Look, I was just trying
to help you understand that
marriage is a serious decision.
And if you're not
on the same page about
what it is we're doing here,
then I--
What are we doing here?
Exactly.
That is the big question,
isn't it?
And the Bible has the answer.
Thank you.
[slurps]
Mm, mm, mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
Wow.
What does the Bible say about
what to do if the truth is...
...hurtful?
It says the truth will set you
free.
Whatever it
is you're holding onto,
whatever sin you might have
in your past,
it can be forgiven.
So just let it go.
Let the truth set you free.
I need some air.
Ugh.
[sighs]
Um, you know what?
Come to a service sometime.
We'd love to see you.
[laughs] Okay.
Uh.
[slurps]
Oh, God bless.
Mm.
[window slides open]
[panting]
Hey, Sophie.
-[screams]
-[Alan] Ow! Jeez.
Alan?
-[Alan] Ow. It's me.
-What?
It's me.
I'm sorry.
[Sophie] Are you drunk?
I'm a little drunk.
I'm sorry. Hi.
[Sophie] Hi.
Oh, no. Okay.
I'm so sorry.
[pants]
Your mom's having an affair.
Oh.
Oh?
Yeah, no, it's not--
it's not really an affair.
They have an arrangement
of sorts.
Wait, what?
[Sophie] Yeah.
She's sort of dating this
charismatic preacher guy.
She has a type, I know.
Oh my God.
What's the big deal?
We have lots of friends
in open relationships.
Yeah, but they're not trying
to get us to be
in perfect fucking Christian
marriage, Sophie.
Keep your voice down.
Shh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
D-- d-- does anyone else
know this?
Is it just...
I don't know.
Probably some of them.
Leah still lives here.
She probably knows.
But you guys just don't talk
about it.
It's just easier to--
Sweep it under the rug.
Yeah.
[emotional instrumental music
playing]
[Sophie] My parents are
in a marriage that stopped
working a long time ago.
But they believe divorce
is wrong, so--
-Goodnight.
-[Sophie] They're just kind of
doing everything they can
to make it all work.
My dad would lose his job
if anyone found out,
so my mom keeps her dating
pretty quiet, which I think
is kinda considerate of her.
[grunts]
[Sophie] But my dad is still
in love.
[sighs]
[lawnmower whirring]
Ooh.
Honk! Honk!
[Jared] No, I-- I-- I sent it.
Professor Bauer called me
about it this morning.
[Jesse laughing]
[Mae] He did?
But why?
He wanted
to talk about publishing it.
Publishing my paper?
I mean, your paper.
What did you say?
I said, no, of course.
I can't publish something
I didn't write.
Hey, sport.
[grunts]
Hey, feeling good about tonight?
Uh, do you need any help
rehearsing
for the rehearsal?
That reminds me, I need
to go work on my vows.
Well, I'm around if you wanna
shoot around any ideas.
[Alan] Oh.
[Stewart]
I got him on the ropes.
I just don't know where to go
from here.
I have an idea.
You're not gonna like it.
Oh, I had a feeling.
He needs something emotional.
He-- he needs zap, a kick
in the spiritual gonads.
Trish.
What you're doing
is just so gentle, and kind,
and intellectual.
It-- it--
you're playing the game
by his rules,
and he's kicking your butt.
Can we please just
keep this in the family?
I don't trust Pentecostals.
Hm.
You asked for my help.
You wanna get him across
the finish line or not?
Yeah, well, I asked
for your help, not...
[sighs]
Not--
The glory of the Lord is ready
to fill this earth.
Be healed in Jesus' name.
Healed.
Healed.
Healed.
Be healed in Jesus' name.
In Jesus' name.
[praying in foreign language]
Oh, yeah.
[moaning]
All right. All right.
I get the picture.
Well, I'm just saying,
he has the spiritual horsepower
that you're looking for.
Now, when he prays over you,
when he touches you, when--
Okay. No, no,
I don't need the details.
My point is,
if Bruce gets his hands on Alan,
literally lays his hands
on Alan, Alan will see God.
[clears throat]
-Will this be all right?
-Yeah.
Yeah, this is perfect.
This is, this is w--
I just need a place just
to meditate just
for a little while.
Whoa! Whoa.
Way cool. Hey.
Oh, this, this is cool.
[pouring drink]
[Bruce laughs]
[Bruce] Ah, yeah.
Mm.
[western music playing]
Oh, yeah. [laughs]
It's delicious.
I'll come back
for you when we're ready.
[Bruce] Okay.
All right.
I'll be here.
I'll be here.
Hey. Excuse me.
Could you uh, point us
in the direction
of the wedding rehearsal?
Are you...
-[Alan] Dad! Mom. Hi.
-Hey, Alan. Hey.
You made it. You made it.
You made it.
-Oh, yeah. Oh.
-Oh, so good to see you.
-Oh.
-Hi, Mom.
Oh, honey.
It's good--
The famous father.
Alan's spoken so highly of both
of you.
Oh, well, you must be Stewart.
-[Stewart] I am.
-I'm-- I'm Peter.
-[Stewart] Hi, Peter.
-This is my wife, Jean.
-Hi.
-How do you do?
Are you guys gonna be staying
with us at the homestead?
Yeah. You know, we hadn't
planned on it, but then might--
No.
Uh, not...
It's not a good idea. Uh.
[chuckles] Sorry.
-Night, night terrors.
-Night terrors, night terrors?
Uh, sorry, dad.
I-- I know it's personal.
I d-- really intense and um--
-Really intense night terrors.
-[Stewart] Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably better if they
just stay in a hotel.
That keeps everybody up, so I--
you know, I--
I wouldn't wanna bother you.
No, but it wouldn't be--
Nonsense.
You could still,
we'll figure it out.
You know, Pastor Stewart,
do you--
do you think I can just,
uh, say hello to
my parents before the rehearsal?
Of course. I'm so sorry.
Some alone time.
Listen, I'll see all of you guys
in there in a couple of minutes.
-Okay, okay.
-It was so nice to meet you.
Good to meet you, too.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-Seems like a great guy.
-Yeah, he's, uh--
-What is going on, Alan?
-I have s--
-What is going on?
What is going on here?
I have s-- I have so much
to tell you guys.
I know.
I will explain it later,
I promise.
Uh, can we just--
[laughs]
We gotta go to the rehearsal.
I'm gonna get you guys
in your seats.
-And we will talk about it.
-All right.
[Grace] If you are so pro-life,
why don't you take care of one
of the kids that are already
born?
[Leah] Are you kidding me?
I don't wanna talk to you
about this anymore.
Sophie,
will you please tell Leah that
this is the biggest mistake
of her life?
[Sophie] I am the one getting
married here.
Isn't anyone gonna tell me
I'm making a mistake?
Hey, Sophie,
will you please tell Grace that
it's my choice
and I will do what I want with
my goddamn life?
You're gonna do what you think
you want, but that's the thing,
it's not actually you.
It's the fucking patriarchy
speaking through
your indoctrinated brain.
I am not gonna let you have
a baby before you even know how
babies are made. [laughs]
Yeah, well, I seem to have
proved you wrong there, Gracie.
This is a cycle of suffering.
It is a cycle
of endless suffering,
and you're gonna be a mother
to it.
Enough with your Dalai Lama
bullshit.
Oh--
You are the same
obnoxious evangelist
you've always been.
You just, what, switched sides?
Leah, she does have a point.
If I had had a baby with
my youth group boyfriend,
I never would have gone
to school in New York.
I never would have met Alan.
[Mae gasps]
[Sophie] I never would have--
Oh my word, Leah!
Awesome.
Thanks, guys.
[Mae] Leah, sweet Leah,
your child is a gift from God.
This life is not a mistake.
This life is a miracle.
Right now, God is knitting him
or her together in your belly.
Or they.
Yeah, can we just call it "it"
for now?
It is a miracle.
[speaks Korean]
Okay, cut it out.
You guys, this weekend
is literally just about Sophie,
okay?
I'll figure this out later.
Leah, you must eat.
-Whatever.
-[Mae] I will make you, uh--
[Grace]
I'll see you at the dinner.
You're not coming
to the rehearsal?
What?
You have your maid of honor.
What do you need me for?
[Stewart] Oh, dear Lord.
I'm trying my hardest.
[Helen] Stu.
Oh, it's you.
How's your heart?
Oh, my heart's fine.
My heart's good.
Yeah. How about yours?
You're a terrible liar.
[laughs]
[romantic piano music playing]
I miss our little talks.
Hey Stu.
Oh, sorry.
Where's the bathroom?
I-- a l-- lot of grape juice.
-Right up there.
-Grape juice.
-Right up there.
-Thank you.
He's the worst.
He's the worst.
[laughing]
[beatboxing]
What's going on, dad?
Why is that guy in your spot?
I know. Everything's okay.
Every-- but I need everyone
to listen up, okay?
This is the next phase
of the plan.
This is the Hail Mary.
So we are just gonna,
you know...
[imitates explosion]
We're gonna what?
You know,
we're gonna roll the dice.
Dad, that's--
that's not rolling the dice.
-Yeah, of course it is.
-No, dad, that's not--
-Rolling the dice.
-No, dad, stop it.
Stop it.
[Jared] That's not rolling
the dice.
[whispering]
Oh. Oh, God.
Yeah.
I-- I've been doing that
in my sermons.
[scoffs]
[Bruce shouts]
[laughs, blubbers]
The spirit, it's ready.
[indistinct speech]
Okay, it's game time.
We gotta get moving.
What the heck?
Pastor Whitaker,
I do not believe this man has
any theological training.
Are you sure you w--
[Stewart] No, Mae,
it'll all be okay.
I promise, kind of.
Okay,
here's what's gonna happen.
Jared, you're gonna go find
Al's parents, okay?
Benji, Leah, just go
and play it like an altar call.
You've done that
a hundred times, okay?
Now, in the famous words
of our hero, Todd Beamer,
-"Let's roll."
-No.
-Let's roll.
-Yeah.
Let's roll, baby.
That's my hero.
[birds chirping]
[Alan] Is there anything that
I can do to help?
What can we do?
Rehearsal time.
Uh, could you just give us
a few more minutes?
It's okay.
Let's just get this over with
and we'll talk.
[soft instrumental music
playing]
Here we go.
[Alan] Here we go.
Wait, dad, what
is he doing here?
Sophie, honey,
it's all gonna work out
for the best, I think.
Am I missing something?
Who is this that
cometh up out of the wilderness,
that leaneth upon her beloved?
I aroused you
in the apple garden.
There thy mother brought thee
forth.
There she brought thee forth,
that bare thee.
For love is as strong as death.
The coals thereof are coals
of fire which hath a most
vehement flame.
Repeat after me.
I, Alan Rhodes, take you,
Sophie Whitaker.
I, Alan Rhodes, take you,
Sophie Whitaker--
[Bruce]
To be my wife...
To--
I-- I mean, actually,
we're gonna be writing
our own vows, so we can skip
over this part for now.
Yeah.
To be my wife.
Mom.
To be my wife.
[Bruce] To have and to hold...
Have and to hold...
From this day forward...
From this day forward...
[Bruce] For better or for worse.
[Alan] For better or for worse.
For I am a sinner.
For I am a--
What the fuck, man?
Yeah, no, he said it.
He said it.
[speaks foreign language]
-What? Get off of me.
-[Bruce] You're healed.
[Alan] What is wrong with you?
You're healed
of your blindness.
[Alan] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Bruce] Healed
of your blindness.
Get off of me.
[speaks foreign language]
I can't do this.
What--
Oh my God.
You were supposed
to slay him, not her.
[Bruce]
[speaks foreign language]
We have to get her
to the hospital.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
I don't think it's that bad.
But she's pregnant.
What?
Alan is a smoker.
Dude.
Pregnant?
She can't be pregnant.
No way, man.
It-- it doesn't count
if you don't finish, right?
As long as we don't finish,
we're still virgins.
Do you think that the
all-powerful, all-knowing God
of all the universe
is too stupid
to know that you're boinking
my daughter,
because you pulled out?
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh. Oh.
[Benji]
Oh God, I had premarital sex.
I had premarital sex.
-I have a boyfriend.
-[Bruce] Be healed.
I'm addicted to porn.
You are slaying
the wrong people.
Slay him.
I'm trying.
Come on, man, read the room.
Call an ambulance.
[Bruce] Oh, Lord.
Stu.
-Can you hear me?
-Dad!
[curtain rattles]
[Nurse] Excuse me,
we need to see my husband.
He's in critical condition.
And can't have visitors
right now.
[Stewart] Wait, wait.
Those two.
I w-- I wanna talk to those two.
We're here, dad.
Sophie, Alan, I saw it.
I-- I saw the other side,
and I came back.
I, I don't know how long I have.
I had to-- I had to tell you.
What, daddy?
They showed me the book of life.
They showed me the names that
were there, and Alan,
your name wasn't in it.
And I knew,
I knew immediately what they
were showing me.
And I knew, I knew I had
to come back because, because
my work wasn't done yet.
I have been sent back until
my task is finished.
I am begging you not
to let your pride get in the way
of your eternal salvation.
Alan, please.
I am hanging
on by a thread here, but I have
to know you're safe
before I can go.
[monitor beeping]
[whimpers]
What are the words?
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[blood pressure machine pumping]
Thank you.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I don't know
what I'm doing.
[door opening]
[door closes softly]
[machine beeping]
[vending machine clanks]
Here you go.
Thank you, and God bless.
There you go.
I-- I'd love to see you
at service sometime.
[playful music playing]
Sophie, I know what I saw.
You don't believe me?
Hey.
[laughs]
[Alan] What's going on?
How we feeling?
I'm better, I think.
[Alan laughs]
Unbelievable.
I take it back.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
When you're saved, you're saved,
baby.
-[Alan] No, no, no, no.
-No, no, no.
The book of life is written
in ink.
No take-backsies.
I only said it, because you
tricked me into saying it.
You did. You--
Honey, you were there.
Did he mean it?
Dad, did you even have
a heart attack?
I did.
Thankfully, very slight,
and now they're telling me
I have to start drinking
skim milk, sweetie--
So you lied?
No, I did not.
No.
I will admit I was a bit
theatrical,
but nothing I said was untrue.
I... [scoffs]
I can't do this.
I can't do this anymore.
[Sophie] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you saying?
Maybe I should just get
a room with my parents
at the hotel for a little bit,
okay?
-You're welcome to come with me.
-[Stewart] No, no, no.
Honey, it--
You only have one more night
till you're married.
Don't stumble now.
[Alan] We're adults.
We're not hurting anyone.
Just yourselves.
Uh-huh, mm.
Do you really wanna roll the
dice on your soul?
I--
Sophie.
[chuckles]
[Alan] Sophie.
[Alan slurping]
[clicking lighter]
Sir, you can't smoke in here.
I'm making a point.
Please.
Mm.
[clicking lighter]
Are you kidding me?
[glass smashes]
[car alarm beeping]
Shit.
How could you do this to us?
Uh, to-- to yourself.
Gosh, you are such
a freaking hypocrite.
What? Th-- those--
[Sophie]
Mom, enough.
We've known for a long-ass time.
Since when?
[quirky instrumental music
playing]
That? That-- that was nothing.
I was just going through
a hard time.
And then there was the one you
left in the car.
All right uh, fine.
I-- I might have been thinking
about my options, but--
And the one
in your Amazon cart right now.
Okay.
You're practically a grown-up.
Isn't it time you get your own
Amazon account?
Oh, so now I'm a grown-up,
but heaven forbid,
I do any grown-up things.
You can do all the grown-up
things as long as you do them
in the right order.
Yeah, and you're one to talk.
Usually,
people wrap up one marriage
before starting another one.
We did the right thing for you.
Don't.
Don't put that shit on us.
We're not kids anymore.
God fucking damn it!
Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Clark.
No swearing.
[hammering]
[lighter clicks]
[Stewart singing]
[hammering]
[slow instrumental music
playing]
Hail greater--
-[Patricia] Stewart.
-What?
Stewart, I think it's time.
Um, we know this new situation
is a bit shocking to you.
Um, it's not ideal,
but your mother and I are
in agreement, and no one
is being deceived.
[Grace] Except us.
I cannot believe you judged me
when you're out there
screwing around.
It's not as scandalous
as it seems.
Bruce and I are in a loving,
monogamous relationship,
and your dad
and I both agreed that we would
keep it secret,
so he could keep his job.
Yeah, so for now,
we have to ask you
to please keep this
to yourselves.
We know it's not fair.
We know it's not perfect.
But neither are we.
[Sophie sniffles]
[Stewart]
Oh Sophie, sweetie, please.
It's okay.
We still care very much
for each other.
Stewart, it's not about us.
[Stewart]
Oh.
Oh, Sophie.
Oh, sweetie, I-- I'm sorry,
but I did try to warn you.
The man has no moral center.
At least, we like Alan.
Look, it's not whether someone
is likable.
You know who else was likable,
they say?
Dad, if you compare my fianc
to Hitler, I swear to God.
No, no.
OJ.
Dad,
you are not a martyr.
You are not being persecuted.
You're the one doing the
persecuting.
That is not fair.
Everything I do every day
is because I love all of you.
No, you don't.
You don't love us.
[melancholic piano music
playing]
You have conditional affection
for us, and that is not love.
People can't live like this.
I can't live like this.
Are you
and mom gonna get divorced, too?
No.
No, of course not.
Why would you think that?
Because
of mom's theologic phalluses.
[Mae] Oh.
[speaks Korean]
Mom and dad are okay.
Huh.
[speaks Korean]
Sweet dreams.
[Peter] With another pastor?
[Alan]
Guess she's got a type.
[laughs]
Oh my God.
Guys, what are we doing here?
I'm supposed to get married
in nine hours from now.
Well, what's stopping you?
It's you who left, not her.
Yeah, but all this bullshit
with her family, I don't--
No, no, pardon me for saying,
but with all this talk about
integrity,
didn't you just lie about me
having night terrors?
Look,
I can understand you being
upset about Sophie,
but she's trying
to hold two extremes together,
and she's just doing her best.
[Peter]
I don't know, you know.
Maybe I should have given you
more exposure to this sort
of thing when you were
growing up, you know?
[knocking on door]
Okay.
Oh, hi, Mr. Rhodes.
[Peter] Jean,
let's give 'em a minute.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, no, no.
[Sophie] I should have told you
everything.
I should have told you about
my family.
I should have told you about
my parents.
The reason you didn't meet them
for two years
is because I didn't want you
to meet them.
Slow down.
I wanted to be different,
and I've just been sweeping
everything under the rug, which
is such a fucking Whitaker thing
to do.
Sophie, Sophie, Sophie,
it's okay.
I'm the one that's sorry.
No.
Yes.
My behavior the last few days
has been...
It's just that your parents,
man, they know how to get to me.
[laughs]
Yeah, tell me about it.
And your mother,
I thought she was on my side.
I really-- I really did.
Yeah, she's a both sides person.
[sighs]
And of course,
I want a family with you.
Of course, I do.
I-- I just needed
to get your dad off my back.
And honestly, I'm a little
worried that we'll--
I know.
I don't want a family like that
either.
[romantic piano music playing]
We okay?
Yeah.
I love you so much.
[Sophie sniffles]
[Sophie] I love you, too.
[door closes softly]
You know,
I took Alan downstairs yesterday
and showed him your little plan.
You what?
I was trying to help.
You Samson and Delilah-ed me.
I did lose
my mojo is 'cause you snuck in
and chopped it off.
Stu, my point is,
given the opportunity
to tell you what you wanted
to hear, he wouldn't.
He's a terribly honest person.
They both are.
Well, he's prideful.
You have more
in common than you think.
Trish, did I make you feel
not good enough?
[emotional string music playing]
Stewart.
I swear I was just trying
to love you.
If you love me,
give me a divorce.
We both know it's what's better
for both of us, and-- and--
and maybe the church elders will
understand.
No, I can't.
Uh, I-- I-- it's wrong.
And I'm sorry.
Me too.
[waves crashing]
[knocking on door]
[door opens]
Hey, honey.
Uh, do you mind if we uh,
if I speak to you alone
for a minute?
Yeah, I-- I do mind actually.
You can talk to both of us.
Okay.
That's fair.
Um, so look, I d-- I just,
I just wanna tell you I'm sorry.
Marriage is hard enough.
You don't need me piling on.
[sighs]
But look, you are always going
to be my little Sophie and--
and-- and it's-- it--
it's not a choice I'm making.
I promise you.
It's just--
it's the old software.
I know
in reality you're grown up.
I know it.
You're gonna do
what you wanna do.
And you certainly don't need
my permission to get married.
Can't imagine you'd even want it
at this point.
But I wondered if I could give
you my blessing,
if you'd even have it.
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[Peter]
Pastor Stewart.
Peter,
can I get you some coffee?
No, no, no, no,
I'm good, thanks.
Well then, what can I do
for you?
Uh, after all the excitement
last night-- [laughs]
Oh.
I didn't know what else you
could possibly--
-No, I'm so sorry. Oh.
-No, no, no, no. It's okay.
It's okay.
You know, to be honest,
it got me, you know,
thinking about, you know,
I-- I've always wondered
if I should've gotten Alan,
you know, more involved
in his religious heritage, so,
um, yeah.
-His religious heritage?
-Yeah.
Um, so I got this.
Um.
[coughs]
You're Jewish.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm Jewish.
I'm not practicing, you know,
but I-- I thought this might be
a nice nod to tradition.
It's called a uh, a "ketubah".
It's a like a Jewish wedding,
uh, contract.
[Stewart] Yeah. No, no, no,
I know exactly what it is.
Yeah.
Wow.
The seed of Abraham in
my own daughter.
-It s-- it says that?
-No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, no.
But Peter, this is beautiful.
-Oh, thanks. Thanks.
-Oh my goodness.
Yeah. You know, usually it's uh,
it's signed by
two Jewish witnesses.
Yeah.
But um, you know,
I was wondering if uh,
you know, perhaps you would,
you would do us the honor.
Would you-- would you?
-Thank you, Sophie.
-Welcome, welcome.
[birds chirping]
[Sophie humming]
[horn honks]
[keys jangle]
Grace, you can be the maid
of honor, okay?
I don't care.
[Grace] No, it's not that.
I just, um...
I haven't been in a church in
like, seven years, and I just,
um...
[emotional string music playing]
I feel very lucky
to have someone like you
looking out for me.
Yeah, well, you're right.
[laughs]
[laughs]
[Sophie]
Hey, me too.
You're both right.
[laugh]
It would mean a lot to me
to have you there.
You don't have to sing.
You can stand
in the back if you want.
No, no.
I'm gonna be up front with you.
Besides,
Leah just said that I could be
maid of honor, so--
-No, I-- I take it back.
-Oh.
[laugh]
Hey.
Hi.
Uh, Dad.
Hi.
Dad, this is Brian.
[Stewart]
Hey, Brian.
I'm Pastor Stewart.
They call me, "P Stu".
[laughs]
Wow, this suit is sharp.
Is that one of those Brooks
Brothers or something?
It's nice.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
[Jared] So dad,
I was doing some research after
our talk last night.
[Stewart]
Oh?
[Jared]
Yeah.
Divorced men aren't usually
allowed to remain pastors,
but there are a lot
of remarried pastors.
Oh,
like a Santa Clause 2 situation.
What's that?
Well, you know, you--
The one where he has
to get remarried by Christmas
or can't be Santa Claus
anymore.
Yeah, whatever.
Uh, listen, Jared, uh,
I just think it's a little late
in the game for me.
[laughs]
I just don't know if I have it
in me.
But listen, I appreciate you
looking into it for me.
I can see you becoming a very
compassionate minister.
It was Mae's idea.
-Mae?
-Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah. She um, she's really good
at that sort of thing.
[laughs]
I actually wanted
to ask you what you'd think
about the idea of um, of me,
well, of us.
Of what?
What if I don't finish seminary?
[emotional music playing]
Oh.
[knocking on door]
How you holding up, big guy?
Oh, boy.
They're all slipping through
my fingers, Helen.
They're growing up.
That's supposed to happen.
[Stewart]
Hm, but not like this.
A father has a responsibility
to set them on a good path,
to raise up a child
in the way he should go.
I blew it.
Oh boy, I blew it, and I seem
to have blown it
with all of 'em
in one way or another.
And you know, I have been trying
to be more accepting,
but there are just some things--
It's a long road, Stu.
And I have my limits.
In the Prodigal Son story,
when the kid wants to leave,
what does the father do?
Does he grab the kid by the
ankles and beg him to stay?
No.
Does he beat himself over the
head and blame himself
for failing?
No.
What does he do?
Hmm.
He lets him go.
[slow acoustic guitar music
playing]
Who gives this woman
to be married?
That's me.
Well, uh, her mother and I do.
[laughs]
So normally, when I begin, um,
you know,
a ceremony like this, I like
to begin with the Lord's Supper.
Um, but because
of your personal preferences,
I think we can be forgiven
for making a slight modification
to the traditional ceremony.
Excuse me.
[slow acoustic guitar music
playing]
[laughs]
[Stewart]
Why didn't you tell me?
I love the Old Testament.
It's like
my second favorite testament.
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
[smashes glass]
[crowd cheering]
[applauding]
[whistling]
Mazel tov.
[dance music playing]
Oh, that dance floor
is killing me.
[Stewart laughs]
[Stewart] Mm.
One more, garcon.
[laughs]
Dad, um, Brian and I have
something to tell you.
Oh, it's not necessary,
Clark.
-No, it's--
-I-- I-- I get the picture.
Can you just hear him out,
please?
Sure.
Pastor Whitaker,
I just thought I should warn you
about a man named
Bruce Gustafson, who's been--
Well,
he's kinda been hanging around.
Yeah, yeah.
You know him?
He um, used to be my pastor.
Your pastor?
Oh, so you went
to Living Waters.
I still do.
Look, I-- I--
I don't understand.
He was fired a few months ago.
What?
Why?
Well, how do I--
how do I put this delicately?
Um, well, he-- he's kinda
sort of an--
Asshole.
[grunts]
[crowd gasps]
Nobody cheats on my wife.
Ow.
Whoa.
[grunting]
Hey, get off of my dad.
[groaning]
[dishes clatters]
[Erwin] Son, that's enough.
Come on.
All right.
What is going on here?
You were getting
cucked by a false prophet.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea he--
[Patricia] The bridesmaid?
Really?
Baby, she didn't know the Lord.
All right, enough.
Boys, get him out of here.
[panting]
You all right, Stu?
I'm good, Erwin.
I'm good.
Well, I got cucked,
and you got cucked.
And with the measure you use,
it will be measured to you.
[Patricia] Don't talk. Just let
me-- let me clean you up.
[sniffles]
No, no, no. No, no, sweetie.
Baby, baby, baby.
I think it's time
to call it quits.
-Benji, where are we going?
-Right here--
Stop.
We're gonna miss the big exit.
Is where,
is where it all started.
Oh, that's thoughtful
and kind of weird.
Oh my God.
[soft instrumental music
playing]
I know we got some stuff
to figure out.
But, you know,
maybe this is a sign.
-Benji.
-Leah, I love you.
Benji, you don't have to say
that just 'cause I'm pregnant.
[Benji] I-- I'm not.
I-- I--
I got this the day after
we accidentally had
premarital sex
for the first time.
I've just been working up
the courage.
So...
Leah Whitaker,
will you marry me?
No.
What?
I-- I don't understand.
This is-- this
is how we make it right.
Are you-- are-- are you not
thinking about that right now?
Wait, you're-- you're not
thinking about actually--
[Leah] I am.
I'm gonna keep the baby.
And-- and I want you to be
a part of its life.
If you want--
Either we're a family
or we're not.
Do you wanna be a family?
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[crowd cheering]
[Leah crying]
[intense music playing]
[Stewart takes deep breath]
[Erwin] I called a meeting with
the board of elders.
Tried everything I could.
I'm sorry.
Leading this flock
with you has been one
of the great honors of my life.
And who am I
to get upset that the chapter
is coming to an end?
Mm-mm. I'm just going to quietly
give my final sermon
and then I'm going to go home
and pull a Noah.
What? Build an ark?
No, no, no. After the ark.
Oh, yeah.
Drink too much
and get butt naked.
[laughs] Bingo.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Did you at least get things
together with Alan?
Get 'em straightened out?
I succeeded
in doing some damage control.
That's about it.
Hmm.
Well, you know,
don't give up hope, Stu.
I mean, even Darwin converted
on his deathbed, you know?
What if that was a hoax?
[sighs]
[clock ticking]
[sighs]
[dings]
[exhales]
[Stewart] St. Thomas Aquinas
understood love to be an act
of the will.
He called it a binding force,
a movement
of the will simultaneously
toward good that one wills
and the person
for whom one wills it.
[snoring]
We are...
[soft instrumental music
playing]
[Stewart] Um.
[Stewart clears throat]
You know,
the Bible says that God loves us
like a father loves
his children.
And speaking as a parent myself,
I can tell you what that's like.
And I can tell you that He wants
to give you everything.
But if He made your lives
perfect,
He would be taking away
your humanity.
And then...
[Stewart sniffles]
[Stewart] We would just be like
Roombas vacuuming up
God's carpet.
[Stewart laughs, sniffles]
So what is it that makes us
different than a Roomba?
[paper crinkles]
[upbeat music playing]
[]
[acoustic guitar music playing]
[]