Premature (2014) Movie Script
[ Film projector clicking ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Clock ticking ]
[ Moaning ]
RARBG.COM All right, so here's how
you can tell, in order of weirdness,
that this is a dream.
First off, I'm having sex.
Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.
Nice.
Are those beakers?
Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.
And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.
Those eyes... Those lips...
Those three tits.
I would tell you the fifth,
but this is about the time
where I...
I'm bit part player in the
story of my life
and I can't wake up, but I
just won't sleep at night
but maybe I'm alive and maybe
I'm dead
the things you say went around
my head
empty words that sound like
shit to me
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
turn it around
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
[ Slurping ]
It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.
Sit down.
I should probably be
going to school, so...
We both know how important
today's interview is.
Dad, I really don't need
another pep talk.
little league and your team
played with eight players,
I said nothing.
When you were bullied
by Sally levinson...
I said nothing.
When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...
He was the school mascot.
...I said nothing.
But this is too important to me
to just sit idly by
and say nothing.
[ Taps chair ]
So, come on. Please.
Okay. Fine.
I want you to wear
this during the interview.
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
But... I don't row crew.
Oh, God. This smells
like crotch.
That's the smell of a champion.
Today you have a
huge opportunity.
Today you'll make me proud.
[ Groans ]
It would save me time if I would
just put down newspaper on
his... Bed.
[ Cold war kids'
"miracle mile" plays ]
I was supposed to
do great things
I know the road was long
but I wasn't raised to
shoot for fame
I had the safety on
ooh, ooh, ooh
[ horn honks ]
I cut my ties,
I sold my rings
I wanted none of this
if you start from scratch,
you have to sing
just for the fun of it
cute dress!
Hello, Lisa.
Why is he near us?
Have a good day at school.
Rob!
Yo, rob!
Ah!
Oh.
Hey, are you okay?
Shh.
So, I'm about to blow my load
when Lisa says, "wait. "
She then stands up,
gets dressed,
turns to me and says,
"okay.
Come now. "
And boom.
I came.
How does a high school chick
learn mind control like that?
Maybe some sort of magnet
school for the sexually advanced?
You're gonna love sex.
It's like jerking off with the
best sock on the planet.
Wait.
Why are you dressed
like Ellen degeneres?
I have my interview today.
I'm not dressed like Ellen.
So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?
Hey. No. Shut up, okay?
I have to get in.
Don't jinx me.
So I'll kill a chicken.
Relax.
Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?
I'm playing "grand theft auto"
online with that kid from the Balkans.
You know, he sent me
this fucked-up YouTube clip.
Some mma guy got punched in the
nuts so hard he shit
himself and came.
Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are
watching the spelling
bee tonight.
Hi, guys.
The dork super bowl?
trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.
I mean, it's like watching
televised child abuse.
It's fucking awesome.
They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.
Huh.
And a good morning to you both.
Hey, gabs.
Thanks.
Arthur.
What time you flying out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.
Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
Want me to put in a good word?
They've been on my jock about going there
full ride since I was in middle school.
Really? Since middle school?
It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.
Good morning.
Morning, Mr. Hughes.
Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.
Excuse me for a second.
Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan, but
what I don't have is my money.
It's in my classroom.
Then let's go.
I'm sorry, guys. I have
to handle this.
And, rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.
I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.
Yeah, and how is
he so confident?
He has one eyebrow and it's
thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.
Aw, he can't help the
eyebrow. He's Armenian.
Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.
Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.
It's an athletic supporter.
In his defense, Gabrielle, a
little discomfort is far better
than getting kicked in he
balls every day for a semester.
That happened in the 9th
grade. It hasn't happened since.
It's not something one
just forgets, Gabrielle.
The 9th grade was my ballocaust.
Never again.
I got beer for tonight.
You excited?
Oh, sweet. How?
Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.
and my dad thought he put it
in, so it worked out perfectly.
Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,
unless you really think that
Mona panchal will take it all.
Um, some stats...
all right.
She is a 13-year-old
up-and-comer from Kansas via
Mumbai with a nervous twitch.
She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.
Also, it is too late to change your
bets because the first round has started.
I'm just really excited for
pongsaklek wonjongkam
to eat Mona for I-u-n-c-h.
Right. Is pongsaklek
a boy or a girl?
Yeah, I have no idea.
But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.
So, I was thinking we could
drink every time somebody asks
for alternate pronunciations.
Or... or every time someone asks for alternate
pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.
Yeah, sure.
Yo, rob! Y...
hey! Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
Set me.
No!
Ooh! Damn.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sniffs ]
It's piss.
Those assholes pissed on me.
Well, that'll dry
by the interview.
Yeah, but he smells like
a urinal cake.
I do. I do smell like
a urinal cake.
Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...
Stanley, go to the lost and
found, get rob a new pair of pants.
I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!
Stay calm.
All right? Take a deep breath.
Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.
[ Laughs ]
And it's gonna be great.
Okay?
Thanks, gabs.
Just text me with bee
updates, okay?
I will.
[ Chuckles ]
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, these aren't ideal,
but they didn't have a
lot to choose from.
Are these even men's pants?
Try 'em on. Maybe you'll
look fabulous.
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?
Shh.
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
Hey, Artie. Can you
help this student, please?
Rob's falling apart.
I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley, but can you
grasp the fact that I'm
already working with someone?
How many people know about your
arrangement with Mr. Hughes?
And I'm presuming
there are others.
[ Speaking foreign language ]
Don't shout that witch
language at me!
I'll burn you at the stake.
Move.
Go.
I know what would help.
Okay, take a deep breath.
Okay. I am.
Good. Now go to
the bathroom, hit a
stall, and rub one out to that.
It's a scientific fact that your
blood pressure drops after you orgasm.
It's like your balls are
shooting yoga through your veins.
Oh, no. Is she coming
over here? Yep.
She is. Shit. Please
stop talking now.
Hi, rob.
Hey, Angela.
Um, good morning.
Excuse me, Angela. I have
to update my Wikipedia page.
Okay.
So, rob, um, I know our tutoring
session isn't supposed to be
until Thursday, but I was kind
of hoping we could schedule,
like, an emergency session.
Miss marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a mammogram
tomorrow, so...
Did you say mammogram?
Yeah, how'd you make
it sound so hot?
I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.
Tonight? Um, actually,
I don't think I can.
Oh, boo. Really?
No. Not really.
Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...
I kind of have plans
I can't change, so...
Do you?
Yes. I do,
have plans.
Maybe, uh, you can study
with Arthur instead?
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, you're serious?
That's okay. I'll just...
I'll just fail it.
No, Angela, don't worry.
Rob will reassess his schedule
and get back to you a. S.A.F'ing. P.
Thanks. By the way, rob, that coat
makes you look so professorial.
[ Chuckles ]
She wants to fuck you.
Her nickname is "after
school special" for a reason.
Freshman year, she cured
Mike Dolan's stutter.
Her pussy inspired
"the king's speech. "
I just can't just bail
on gabs, you know?
I mean, we watch the spelling
bee every year. It's our thing.
You've been borderline stalking
Angela as long as we've been friends.
We've been friends
since we were 5.
You took time to grow on me.
I didn't consider you
a friend until 61.
Look, Angela has
sex with grown men.
She hasn't slept with a high-school
student since elementary school.
She's making an
exception for you.
This is too much pressure
for me today.
Okay, well, let me ask you this.
Has she ever invited you
over to her house before?
No, and stop, okay? Please.
Because I am panicking, and
I cannot shit these gym shorts.
Ew.
Did he really just say that?
The poem tells of a talking
raven's mysterious visit to a
distraught lover, tracing's he
man's slow fall into madness.
I'll start reading and then we'll
go around the room counterclockwise.
As I recite the poem, look
for the repetition of the word
"nevermore. "
"Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...
You know, I looked at last
year's yearbook, and her tits
were not that big.
There has definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement.
At least two of them.
Definitely.
When I die, I want to come back
as her top button, you know?
Yeah.
Or a guy who's fucking her.
That'd be cool.
That would be cool.
Dude, come on.
I have something to add.
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
Rob.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Is that supposed to be
the Georgetown mascot?
'Cause you know it's a bulldog.
I can't draw bulldogs.
..."the silken sad uncertain
rustling of each purple curtain
filled me with fantastic terrors
never felt before. "
Didn't Stanley go to
the lost and found?
They only had Capri pants.
Mm-hmm.
Are you my escort?
At your service.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I have bad news for you.
Pongsaklek wonjongkam, who is
a boy, by the way, misspelled
"endoradiosonde" in the second
preliminary round.
Are you serious?
Shit. I did not see
either of those coming.
[ Sighs ]
Well...
Here we are.
You're gonna nail
it. I know it.
You think?
Yes.
I mean, who can
resist those legs?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Rob crabbe?
Jack roth, Georgetown
admissions. Good to meet you.
Please take a seat.
Uh, before we begin, allow me
to apologize for the shorts.
Some of my classmates thought
it might be amusing if uhh...
bullies.
What was their weapon of choice?
A piss-filled water gun.
Direct hit.
Say no more. I'll pretend
they're pants.
[ Chuckles ]
Look, everything I've read
about you is great, so I'm
really here just to put
a face with the name.
Are those your notes?
Give them to me.
You don't need notes.
Just be yourself.
And it's okay if you don't
know who that is yet.
That's what college is for...
to figure out who you are.
Right? Not what somebody else
wants you to be, but who you...
Really...
Are.
Just answer the
questions honestly.
You're gonna do fine, all right?
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.
Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
They met there, actually.
Uh, some kids grow up hearing
about oz or wonderland.
All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Crying ]
I'm sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
I met my wife...
At Georgetown, too.
[ Chuckles ]
But then...
[ Crying ] Lupus.
[ Sniffles ]
I'm sorry.
It feels like it happened
yesterday. It was 10 months ago.
I'm just having a moment, okay?
[ Sniffles ]
Yeah, no.
Please, take your time.
No, no, no.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Sobbing ]
You know who the biggest bully
is?
Lupus?
No!
It's life!
Life is the biggest
bully of them all.
They'll shoot you with a
piss-filled water pistol
again and again and again.
You got to just get
up, carry on.
Smell like piss.
[ Sniffles ]
Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.
I am sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
Whoa!
Detour.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, lookit here.
It says that you were, uh, part
of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.
Mr. roth?
[ Voice breaking ] My wife
was my tutor.
That is how we met.
[ Crying ] Oh, God.
That's how we met.
And now she's gone.
[ Sobbing continues ]
Um...
I have my dad's headband, so...
Thank you.
[ Sniffles ]
Oh.
[ Blowing nose ]
[ Sniffles ]
How'd it go?
He cried.
Somehow I reminded him of the
greatest loss of his life.
There goes Georgetown.
It's not the end of the world.
It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.
Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,
and then imagine if
they didn't happen.
This is exactly why I
don't have goals.
Look, you can still
get into Georgetown.
And if you can't, focus on one
thing you can still get into...
Angela.
You're insane.
She doesn't want to...
you could become a beautiful
non-virgin butterfly.
Let Angela's crotch
be your cocoon.
Hey. Angela.
Rob.
Nice shorts.
Uh, thanks.
Uh, long story.
But, um...
I can tutor you tonight.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, rob you're such
a life saver.
Oh, I can help you out with
your test, but miss marconi is
on her own with her... Mammogram.
Hey. I've been looking
all over for you.
Hey, how was your, uh...
Really?
Uh, yeah.
I, um...
I pulled a wonjongkam.
No. What happened.
I'd rather not relive it.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, so, listen, um...
I don't think I can
make it tonight.
I, uh, I'm just not
feeling up to it.
You sure? Might cheer you up.
Yeah, you know, another time.
Um...
It's just my future's in doubt.
Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.
I don't know why
you feel so bad.
Because I just lied to gabs.
I feel awful.
Good. We can use that.
What?
Well, guilt is a blessing.
It'll make you last longer.
You can only go four minutes
when it's just you
and the tissues.
Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty
of guilt then, too.
Well, we'll need
something stronger.
Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?
Ugh. Yeah.
It looked like my
grandpa's elbow.
Yeah, use that.
That'll ruin things
for a little while.
That's good.
You know what you should do?
Buy the magnums, too.
Then use the regular-sized
condom, but leave behind the
Magnum wrapper.
What's that gonna do?
Besides make her feel
like she has a giant vagina.
Um, I'll have the trojan ecstasy
ultra-ribbed, please.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
oh!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Coughs, groans ]
[ Tires squeal ]
I'm fine, you asshole!
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
you love you
pussy?
Excuse me?
Are you here for pussy?
I'm Angela's tutor.
Is she home?
I don't know.
Mind if I check?
Do as you wish.
Hey.
Hey.
Uzi, you know you
can smoke inside.
Uh, no thank you.
Uzi's from Israel. He's
staying with us for the
rest of the school year, so...
Cool.
When it's this quiet
back home...
A caf explodes.
Come on in.
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Ka-boom.
Uh... So...
Quadratic equations.
Believe me, it is a lot more
exciting than it sounds.
What are you doing?
Sit on the bed.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, right.
Of course.
[ Chuckles ]
So, would you like some wine?
It's white zinfandel.
It's my mom's favorite.
It's absolutely delish.
No thanks.
Math pairs better
with a robust red.
[ Both chuckle ]
Is your mom home?
No, she works at night.
It's just me and uzi.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Don't worry about it.
[ Chuckles ]
So, uh...
What... what exactly is your
test on tomorrow?
Can I confess something to you?
You don't have a dead wife or
anything, do you?
'Cause I can't take
that again today.
[ Chuckles ] No.
I don't really have
a test tomorrow.
You don't?
No
I just really like
studying with you.
I really like studying
with you, too.
Your grades are
really improving.
The studying sessions are,
like, the highlight of my week.
They are?
Yeah.
When I'm with you, I don't know.
You don't treat me
like everyone else.
I just feel... I don't know.
Safe.
I was captain of the safety
patrol team in 8th grade.
Wait.
Maybe we should...
oh, that... that is nice.
[ Moans ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
What the f...
[ slurping ]
It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.
Sit down.
[ Sighs ]
We both know how important
today's interview is.
Rob?
The interview is today?
Don't "f" with me, Robert.
When you were benched in little
league and your team played with
eight players, I said nothing.
When you were bullied by
Sally levinson, I said nothing.
When you lost the class presidency
to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.
But this interview is far too important
for me to sit idly by and say nothing.
I want you to wear this
during the interview.
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
Today's the day you
make me proud.
[ Groans ]
It would save me time if I would
just put down newspaper on
his... Bed.
[ Car door closes ]
Rob!
Yo, rob!
Ah!
So, I'm about to blow my
load when she says, "wait. "
She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.
RARBG.COM Before she goes, she turns to me
and says, "okay. Come now. "
And boom. I came.
What the fuck are you doing?
Why are you dressed
like Ellen degeneres?
[ Groans ]
No, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.
Some mma guy got punched in the
nuts so hard he
shit himself and came.
Hey, you pissed at me
or something?
I'm just... Really out of it.
I don't think I slept so good.
I was having a crazy dream.
And a good morning to you both.
Hey, gabs. Arthur.
What time are you
flying out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today?
Does anyone know the
warning signs of a stroke?
Good morning.
Hi, Mr. Hughes.
Arthur, I thought you
were gonna be here early.
Excuse me for a second.
You know, I kind of
feel bad for him.
Probably because he
has one eyebrow.
And it's thicker than...
Both: Sam elliott's mustache.
So, I was thinking every
time they ask for alternate
pronunciations, we could drink.
Rob! Yo, rob!
Hey!
Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
Set me.
Oh!
Ooh! Damn!
[ Laughs ]
It's piss.
Okay, um...
Well, that'll dry by
the interview, right?
Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.
I have my test next
period, so I got to go.
Um...
Stanley, go to
the lost and found...
no, it's fine.
I'll just wear the shorts in my
gym locker.
Really? You sure?
Stay calm.
Take a deep breath.
No, seriously. I'm good.
This was the dream.
[ School bell rings ]
You dreamed about today?
Yeah.
Lisa's telling you to come.
The piss gun.
And Angela yearwood wants to
have sex with me.
Bullshit.
Hey. I have a test next period.
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
Hi, rob.
So, I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be until
Thursday, but I was kind of,
like, hoping that we could
schedule an emergency session.
Miss marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a
mammogram tomorrow.
[ Chuckles ]
Mammogram.
[ Chuckles ]
How could you even focus
on your interview right now?
In the dream, I bombed it.
Angela will make everything
in the world right again.
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
You know, I bombed
the Angela thing, too.
That's right.
What?
Nothing.
Are you ready?
Do I look ready?
The outfit weirdly
works for you.
No, it doesn't.
Nope. Not at all.
Oh, I have bad news for you.
Yeah, pongsaklek wonjongkam
misspelled "endoradiosonde. "
[ Voice breaking ] My wife was
my tutor. That's how we met.
[ Crying ] Oh, God. Jesus.
[ Sobbing ]
She's gone.
So?
Don't shut me out!
Hey, rob!
[ Chuckles ]
Are you okay?
I just thought you'd be more
excited to come over tonight.
You know, if you
have other plans.
I can tutor you tonight, so...
You're a life saver!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Ticking ]
Um... Help me? I'm sick.
What's wrong?
I have no idea.
I'm having dj vu or, like, a
psychotic episode, and I really
need your help because
I'm falling apart.
Okay.
Put this under your tongue.
[ Timer dings ]
That's your timer, Neal.
No fever, Neal.
You're not sick, honey.
You can go back to class.
[ Vomiting ]
Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.
Feel better, Neal.
There's never a bad time to
get an std from Angela yearwood.
Even if she gave you a fatal one,
your doctor would still high-five you.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Shit. I never canceled
with gabs.
Who cares?
Angela's about to deflower you.
Please smile.
Could I have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
oh, shit. This is where... aah!
[ Groans, coughs ]
Are you here for pussy?
Hey.
[ Door closes ]
Can I confess something to you?
I don't really have
a test tomorrow.
I know.
Oh, no.
[ Moaning ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the LA...
today's the day you
make me proud.
Rob! Ah!
She's getting a
mammogram tomorrow.
[ School bell rings ]
I have some more bad
news for you.
[ Crying ]
Not this time.
[ Groans ]
Pussy?
Can I confess something to you?
[ Moaning ]
Just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
What the fuck is happening?!
Is everything okay?
[ Chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah.
I'll just... I'll throw
the sheets in the laundry.
[ Chuckles ]
Do you want this to end?
'Cause [Chuckles] I think you're
getting a pretty good deal here.
We're having sex. The least you
can do is hold my hand in school.
Look, the whole reason that
this works is because I get to
practice for when I meet
the right guy in college, okay?
'Cause as far as anyone
who really matters is concerned,
you don't exist.
[ Thud ]
[ Groans ]
The hell are you doing here?
I have something I
need to tell you.
There is only
one explanation.
Your virginity is
driving you insane.
It's like one of those videos we saw
in Ms. depanorizzi's health class.
You know, how little Timmy went
berserk because he masturbated
too much.
No, I know. It's just... I
swear this all feels too real.
Way too real.
Sounds like a
delusional disorder.
Unlike hallucinations, your
actual belief in these events is
clearly pathological.
An antipsychotic will help
reduce your dopamine levels.
You'll be fine.
My dad's a psychiatrist.
I know what will help.
What?
A threesome.
With me?
Yeah. With you.
It's a win-win-win.
Look, you get some pre-college practice, rob
has sex and is no longer driven mad by his
virginal status, and I bust a
nut before 8:00 in the morning.
What do you say?
Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?
Does that mean that you and I...
mnh-mnh, rob, you and
I will not be having sex.
We'd be boning Lisa.
At the same time?
It all depends.
There are different methods.
You know, we could take turns...
okay.
Do you really think that I would
have a threesome with
the two of you?
Maybe.
Okay, look.
Threesomes are... Special.
They're specifically reserved
for when I find the man
that I'm going to marry.
And then a friend of
his choice, of course.
You know, that's how
you make marriages work.
Oh, and, Stanley, you
can come now.
[ Gasps ]
You too, rob.
[ Both gasping ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
He's a young man!
Are you kidding me with this?!
It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes!
He has a big day, probably
just needed to relieve
some tension.
That was a lot of tension!
Our son is turning
into this pervert!
When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.
Yeah? Well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.
It's just a little squirt.
A little squirt?!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times, and then
I went and saw Stanley and Lisa.
And then we almost
had a threesome.
And then...
Is that a 48-inch...
sure is.
I'm gonna do my own
laundry from now on.
Hey!
Hey!
Gabs!
Gabrielle, stop!
Gabrielle!
Rob? Are you okay?
You look insane.
Did you see Gabrielle?
Yeah. She went inside.
Dude, I called your phone
like a thousand times.
The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.
I know. Lisa's totally become
a master at jizzekinesis!
Jizzekinesis!
Gabs!
Gabs! Hey!
Gabs!
That's what you're
wearing to your interview?
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.
Sure. Are you okay?
Not really.
Let's go somewhere maybe and...
[ laughter ]
Oh, yeah!
You think that's funny?!
You think that's funny?!
Whoa!
Chill out!
That wasn't yours to touch.
Rob, I think we should go now.
Yeah, you should really
listen to your girlfriend.
You guys are taller and
you're better looking, but
that's not enough, is it?
I mean, why do you pick
on guys like me?
You know what I think?
I think you're gay and you don't
know how to handle it, so
you pick on me because, inside,
society picks on you.
That's not cool.
Tommy's gay.
Yeah, it's not that
big of a deal.
The guys are super supportive.
Oh, that's so nice.
Yeah, I guess it would have been worse
if you guys played a real sport, right?
[ Laughs ]
[ Clears throat ]
That came out wrong.
Gabs, I got to go.
Probably for the best.
Get him!
Aaaaaah!
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
Oh, rob! Can you...
no!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Where is he?
Try that one.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, shit!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on!
Get it open!
It's stuck! It's stuck!
One, two, three!
Would you guys just stop
banging for like two seconds?
Ugh! He's whacking!
[ Gasping ]
[ Boys groan ]
Just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
[ Door closes ]
Nothing happened.
[ Slurping ]
Mm.
Good morning.
Sit down. I want to talk to you.
Dad...
Why is it so important to
you that I go to Georgetown?
Well, I guess because that's
where I met your mother
and my life really began.
And you want that for me?
Yes, of course.
Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?
You don't want to
go to Georgetown?
[ Chuckles ]
No, I'm... I'm just kidding.
No, I just... I don't need
a pep talk, that's all.
I got this.
You know, why don't you just focus on
planning your trip to parents' weekend.
Okay.
All right.
Have a good day.
I proved the existence of a sex jedi
and you're just speechless and smiling.
Do you think about
anything besides sex?
Yeah. I think about
a lot of stuff.
Like why we're still
reliant on foreign oil.
What I'd look like
with a ponytail.
You know?
Why the sudden up tick
in peanut allergies?
You know, there are other
things in this
world besides sex.
Other things to see
or do in this world.
In this school, even.
What the hell are you
talking about?
I'm talking about living a
life without repercussions.
Hi, guys.
Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South oaks?
Yeah. He had a psychotic break and
burned down his neighbor's shed.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Uh-huh. We need to get rob
admitted there stat.
You know, I just woke up this
morning, and long story short, I
feel like I can do anything.
Okay. Can we talk about
that on the way to class?
Yeah, let's go. I need
to make a poo.
Yeah, you guys go.
I don't really feel
like walking.
Yeah, you're right.
He's acting weird.
Yeah. He's like the
douchey lama.
[ Sitar music plays ]
[ School bell rings ]
Stop that golf cart!
[ Tires screech ]
Show me your hall pass.
Is there a hall pass
for golf carts?
I'm gonna have to write you up.
You poor soul.
You don't know the power
that you possess.
I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?
A line on a college rsum?
I mean, what if instead of
writing people up, you used your
position to your advantage,
got something out of it.
Like, tell me that you won't write
me up if I give you the golf cart.
You would do that?
Maybe.
Or... Excuse me, miss?
Do you have a hall pass?
Shit.
No.
Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.
You see, my friend here is a
hall monitor, and it is his job
to write up students who roam the
halls without the necessary paperwork.
Please don't write me up.
I'll get suspended if I get
written up again.
Will you French kiss him?
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
But he can't tell anyone.
Deal.
[ Door opens ]
But give him something
to remember.
[ Sighs ].
[ Slam ]
This is what you're
doing with your day?
Yeah, totally.
Check this out.
Where'd you get that?
You know that creepy janitor?
It turns out he's
not a pedophile.
He's just a drug dealer.
Huh.
Hop in.
Should we be out here?
[ Grunts ]
Nope.
But that's what makes it fun?
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And if we get caught?
[ Laughs ]
Don't worry about it.
Just trust me.
It's like that time that you
told me to tell my gym teacher I
couldn't run the mile because
of my menstrual cramps.
Did I do it?
Mr. zizek still
calls you "tampon. "
[ Chuckles ]
I didn't say I'm not
smoking with you.
Come on.
Light that thing up.
Let us see if it is
really a gateway drug.
Oh. It is.
A gateway to awesome.
[ Coughs ]
[ Spits ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, thank you.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, you, um, would you like to
hear something that I've
never told anyone ever?
Yes.
Freshman year, I thought that
parent/teacher night meant t
hat Mrs. wiley was going to be
staying at my house for a night
while my parents went away.
[ Laughs ]
You would have to bomb your
house to get rid of the
stench of her perfume.
Oh, God.
[ Laughs ]
How did we become friends?
You don't remember?
No, it's not that I don't
remember, it's just...
It feels like you've
always been here.
Sorry.
Weed must make me
uncomfortably deep.
Uh-huh.
Um... I was in the third grade
and I was the new girl, the
giant, 5'3" new girl.
And you were the only one who
didn't laugh at me.
I was too scared to laugh.
You were enormous.
[ Laughs ]
Oh.
Hey.
No matter where we end up next
year, we have to watch
the spelling bee together.
Of course we will.
I'm really sorry that
I blew you off this time.
I'll never do it again.
When did you blow me off?
I meant... I meant to say I
would never blow you off.
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry.
This stuff must really
be killing brain cells.
[ Chuckles ]
It's nice to get out like
this once in awhile.
You know?
Get out of class, live a little.
Yeah.
We should have done something
like this sooner.
I always wanted to.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Come on.
Where are we going?
There's something else I've
always wanted to do.
[ Snoring ]
Here.
It's pretty good, but kind of
illegal.
[ Snoring continues ]
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, God.
[ Grunting ]
Hold on!
Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
Rob, this is the
teachers' lounge.
Um, hey, you wouldn't happen to
have a match or anything, would you?
No? All right. Cool.
Well, um, I should
probably get going.
But you should probably flush
again, just in case.
What was it like in there?
It was very comfortable.
There was a great selection
of reading material.
Hm.
I fucking love doughnuts.
You know, all I'm saying is
that you have an inner strength
that one day I hope to have.
Thank you.
Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.
Okay? Because I am not
important right now.
My interview? That
is not important.
I'm never gonna forget you.
I know.
[ Laughs ]
Whoa!
Hey!
Whoo!
What the fuck was that?
Two men. Connecting.
Okay, cut the shit.
What is up with you today?
Gabs and I are worried.
I'm not worried.
Dude, I've told you.
You don't get it.
When did you tell me?
Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?
Because I didn't really get it,
either, but I do now.
Today is a gift.
Come on.
I just got an idea.
Okay, so, as I told you guys
yesterday, tomorrow's quiz will
be on chapters 5 through 7, and
what you want to look...
Mr. crabbe, your class
was two periods ago.
You missed it.
I know. I was taking a shit.
Excuse me?
Oh, my God.
What's he doing?
They're very firm, Stanley.
Like, spongy.
Does that mean they're fake?
Oh, my God!
Thank you.
Sweet.
I think I smoked too much weed.
Did he just feel up
Ms. hartnett?
Mm-hmm. I think she
called the cops.
It was worth it.
Are these seats taken, Sally?
It has been a long time.
Whoa!
That was for the 4th grade!
[ Laughs ] Right?
[ Intense music plays ]
Oh, shit.
[ Shrieks ]
Aaaah!
[ Thud ]
[ Growling ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Groans ]
Save yourself, rob!
Grab her tit!
I'm grabbing her tit!
Aah!
I'm grabbing your tit!
Squeeze it till milk comes out!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, Sally.
I'm a big fan.
Aah!
[ Groans ]
Aaah!
[ Groans ]
That's got to hurt.
Aah!
Sally!
Aaah!
[ Knock on door ]
Have a seat, rob.
I don't know what to say.
You're one of my
favorite students.
Really?
We've barely met.
Yeah, exactly.
I love the students I
don't have to meet.
Meeting you guys is the
worst part of my job.
Do you mind if I eat?
It's gonna be awhile before the
cops get here.
The cops?
Yes. The cops.
Geez.
You grabbed Ms.
hartnett's breasts.
That's sexual assault.
I mean, don't flatter yourself.
They're also coming for some
moron bus driver who was toking
it up in one of the parked
vehicles, but you're the main focus.
So...
I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation, but in an
overcrowded public school like
this, if one of you students
the crapper and I get to expel you,
I am not losing my appetite over that.
Shit.
Fuck.
[ Sighs ]
All right, let's run
down the hit list.
You molested a teacher.
You sexually harassed a female freshman
student and a male hall monitor.
And then... [ Chuckles ]
This is funny.
You got in a fight with
a girl and you lost.
She curb-stomped my
genitals. With her shoes.
Mm-hmm.
Your mom and dad are
on their way, by the way.
And she said that she caught
you masturbating this morning.
It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.
Seems like to me you're going for
a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Yeah, in your pants.
'Cause you're not
leaving this office.
All right.
Let's take a look.
I can't figure out what would
make a boy like you snap. I mean,
up to this point, no missteps.
What would make a boy like
you do what you did?
I mean, it's a big question.
Is society at fault?
Probably.
Have you got bad wiring?
Were you not hugged
enough as a kid?
Rob, rob, Robbie.
I mean, what is it?
You take Paxil or something?
Maybe it's your home life.
I don't know.
Maybe you have horrible parents.
But here is the hard truth that
America is not
prepared to admit.
We're all just... Filthy animals.
And to expect us to play by the
prude rules...
that's ri-goddamn-diculous.
I mean, what you did to
Ms. hartnett...
We were all thinking about it.
As long as you don't sell crack
really don't care if you
play a little ass-grab, but...
I mean, hell, if I had the
budget, I would build us a
windowless room where you
perverts could just go in there
and poke and grab all day long.
And I'd make it all out of
cement, you know, so you could
hose down all the... Fluids.
Come on!
Is that semen?
It's just a little Mayo.
My daughter made me
that sandwich!
That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!
Ohh!
[ Gasps ]
Cops are here.
Yeah, I know.
Dude, you got to get
me out of here.
Come on.
Uh, you do know that you're in
the girls' locker room, don't you?
Tell that to your Adam's apple.
Uh, sorry.
Hide here until
it's safe to leave.
What?
Don't go anywhere.
Come on!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Are you talking to me?
No. I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.
There's a guy in there.
I think he's...
Molesting himself?
It sure sounds like it.
Do you want to watch?
Hey, man. What the
fuck are you doing?
I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working, and I
think I might have broken it.
Wait. Why do you
need to jerk off?
Dude, I really don't have
time to explain right now.
Just help me or get
the fuck away.
[ Clears throat ]
[ High-pitched ] You want
to fuck mistah?
I'll fuck you first one free.
I'll give you all my holes.
Even brown one.
Stanley?
[ Normal voice ] Yeah?
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm trying to help.
I went Asian. Asian seems
right, you know?
[ High-pitched ] Put your egg
roll in my sticky bun!
Ooh, we do fucky-fucky!
Fucky now!
Let's do fucky-fucky!
Shut the hell up.
[ Normal voice ] You shut
the hell up!
Stanley, come on.
Stop, man.
I really need to focus.
[ High-pitched ] Oh, no. Do me!
Do me doggie style,
then we eat dog!
Woof!
Come on, man. Please stop.
You're ruining it.
No, you stop, Mr. America.
Choke me.
Choke me!
Choke me!
[ Deep voice ] You fuck her
from the front, "g. "
I'mma fuck her from the back.
Yeah.
What the hell is that?
[ Normal voice ] It's the only
other voice I can do.
[ Lock clicks ]
I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting
raped in jail is gonna do the trick.
Oh, no.
[ Growls ]
[ Groans ]
[ Gasping ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
You got to be fucking
kidding me!
What was that, Robert?!
You got to be fucking
kidding me!
Look at yourself!
I'm sorry, mom.
[ Scoffs ] I can't believe
this is my fucking life.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
You're not gonna lock
your bike up?
Hey, guys.
What time are you flying
out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...
today.
And no, I don't want to
drop your name.
I mean, I could, but, you know,
I'd rather not be
associated with you.
Rob. What's wrong?
It's not the interview.
You want to talk about it?
I'm good. [ Sighs ]
Well, it's bee day, right?
Yeah, about that.
I have to cancel.
Really? Just like that?
Yes, just like that.
Hey!
Aw!
I don't know what's going on here, but
promise me you'll turn the darkness off for
your interview.
'Cause you've worked
your ass off for it.
And I need to know you're
not gonna throw it away.
If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.
Stop fucking around,
man. I'm not...
I'm not in a good place
right now.
I'm not fucking around. You're my
best friend. I'd do anything for you.
Do you mean that?
Yeah. I mean that.
I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.
Well, I never knew I had to.
I don't know, you're just...
you're always so vulgar,
you know?
I bury my emotions. It's a
defense mechanism.
I'm gonna hug you now.
I know.
Hey, guys.
Oh.
Hi, Angela.
Hey... Angela. How are you?
Why are you guys hugging?
It's 2013, Angela. Men
hug now, you know?
Deal with it.
So, rob. Um, I was gonna come find
you later, but since you're here, I
know our tutoring session isn't technically
supposed to be until Thursday, but...
tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.
[ Chuckles ] Great. And could
we do it at my house?
If we have to.
Perfect. Come over
around 7:00.
Great.
Nice hoodie.
Tracing the man's slow
fall into madness.
I'll start reading and then we'll
go around the room counterclockwise.
Okay, let's get started.
Mr. crabbe, would you mind
taking your seat so we can begin?
Oh, no, if it's okay, I'm
just... I'm gonna stand.
No, it's not okay.
[ Sighs ]
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
Oh, wow. Aren't you
glad I took my seat?
As I recite the poem out loud,
listen for the repetition
of the word "nevermore. "
Gabs?
Huh.
..."while I pondered weak and
weary, over many a quaint and
curious volume of forgotten
lore"...
Mr. crabbe, good to
meet you, young man.
Not gonna lie. Today has been
a never-ending cluster fuck.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But as I've learned, in the light of some
recent difficult events, each day is a gift.
Yeah, it is a gift you
can't return.
You have a very
impressive application.
Everything on there was designed
to solicit that exact response.
I have lived to get
into this school.
You know I even have a set of perfectly scripted
responses to virtually every question that
you could ever ask?
Hell, at one point, I was so nervous
I might have even over-performed.
But not now.
Why? Why not now?
Oh, I could tell you, but
you'd never believe me.
Is it the pressure? Because I can
tell you, you're a lock for our school.
Is it a girl?
Is it a girl?
I can tell you, there's
gonna be others.
There will, and when the
right one... Presents herself...
Oh, God. I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.
What?
Here's the problem. There are certain
things that I thought I wanted, like getting
in to Georgetown or fucking
Angela yearwood, but then I
realized I don't actually
want any of those things.
Uh...
Other people just
want them for me.
Having sex is nothing you
should take lightly.
I've had, like, seven orgasms
so far today.
[ Scoffs ]
Holy shit.
How'd it go?
Look on the bright side.
Tonight you get to have
sex with Angela yearwood.
[ Sighing ] No.
The worst part is I don't.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hey. I thought
you had to cancel.
Can I come in?
I'm not good.
And I don't even get to actually have
sex. I just orgasm prematurely and
then I wake up back in my room.
And then my mom comes in to find
me sitting on a massive wet spot.
Do you believe me?
Only the part about you waking up
in a massive wet spot every morning.
Gabs, I know that this sounds
fucking crazy, but I'm serious.
Mmkay, what am I gonna say now?
I don't know. I...
I haven't done this part yet.
Oh, okay, so every day
is not the same.
You can do different things.
Yes, yes, but... inevitably,
I have an orgasm.
Okay. All right. That's... Great.
You got to believe me.
I don't, but, uh, I'm worried
about you now, so...
Walk me through this
never-ending day?
Okay, um...
[ Sighs ]
Well, I wake up...
Just... Throw the sheets in...
smell of a champ...
[ thud ]
Rob!
Hi, guys.
A mammogram.
Nevermore.
[ Knock on door ]
Pongsaklek wonjongkam.
[ Crying ]
No.
Can I confess something to you?
Ka-boom.
[ Gasps ]
And that's all you can think of?
Well, one time Sally levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me,
but those are the constants.
Right.
Look, it's, uh, it's getting
late and I have a test tomorrow.
Gabs, come on, okay? Please?
Please help me.
Look, if you're just gonna live this day
over again, you got to tell me earlier.
Like, third period.
And have you not
believe me again?
Okay, look. Just, if you
want me to believe you...
When you tell me your story,
just mention the Abraham Lincoln
sex fantasy and I will
believe you.
Ew. You have an Abraham
Lincoln sex fantasy?
I had a dream where he...
Emancipated my g-spot.
It was unforgettable.
Oh, my God.
Okay, do you want my
help or not?
Just forget it.
We do have one other option.
We can talk to the
smartest person I know.
You've come to me for help.
Pardon me while I
savor this moment.
Told you this was a bad idea.
Just wait.
Arthur, we really
need your help.
While I applaud your decision to discuss the
matter with me, I have little experience with
mental illness.
Also, he's a dick.
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you
have to leave before my Nana sees you.
Why? What's up with your Nana?
[ Screaming ]
Mama, no!
[ Thudding ]
Aah! Mama!
What the fuck?!
Mama! Mama!
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Thud ]
Mama?
[ Gurgles ]
Is she dead?
Aah!
[ All screaming ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Get her off of me!
Get her off of me!
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Get her off!
Get... Her... Off.
[ Moans ]
[ Moaning quietly ]
Jadoogar.
[ Slurping ]
Where are you going?
School.
Not like that.
It's okay. It get a do-over.
Hey, Arthur.
Oh, hey, rob. I got
beer for tonight.
I need to talk to you.
I'm pretty busy.
Are you okay?
No. I'm not okay.
I'm stuck in the same day, and
it's a fucking hell that you
can't even fathom, and it
just keeps happening.
I wake up, life kicks the shit
out of me, and then I have an
orgasm, and then I live the same day all over
again, and I know that that sounds crazy, but it's
true, and I think that this
little fucker can explain it to me.
Wow, I've never seen a
midlife crisis before.
He's 17.
I always saw him going young.
Drugs or a plane crash.
Anyway, hope it works out, rob.
Whoa, whoa, okay.
Watch it.
These fibers are delicate.
All right, so, he's, like, 5.
Hey, no!
Get back here! Get back
here, you little shit!
Arthur!
Arthur!
Oh, no. Oh.
He's in there. I'll give you two
minutes, but make it rough on him.
I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.
Hey, whoa, whoa. Uh,
maintenance. Keep it moving.
But it's an emergency.
I'll fucking kill you.
[ Gasps ]
Please stop! Someone just
pooped in here! I can smell it!
What does a "jadoogar" mean?
Wait, what?
What does "jadoogar" mean?!
"Curse"! I think
it means "curse"!
What kind of curse?!
Like a jinx!
How do I get rid of one?!
How should I know?!
Because your grandma
put it on me!
That's crazy! My Nana
doesn't even know who you are!
Your Nana put a fucking
jadoogar on me!
Please don't dunk me again. I can feel
sores opening up on my lips and in my mouth.
[ Crying ]
Here.
[ Sniffles ]
If I had a knife, I'd stab you
in the fucking throat.
Have you checked your voicemail?
- Are you okay?
You're acting kind of weird.
- The most amazing thing...
I'm cursed.
That first-generation asshole just told me that
I'm cursed and that this fucking shit-storm of
a day is just going to
keep repeating.
You know what's ridiculous? Is
wanting to have sexual intercourse with
Abraham Lincoln.
Because I've been through every
nook and cranny today has to offer.
You told me to say it, at
9:00 tonight yesterday.
And then I blew a load on
Arthur's mom's ample chest, and
then I woke up back
where I started.
Whatever, dude. Listen,
this morning...
Lisa's a jizz jedi. Nobody
cares right now.
Not like a curse is
such a big deal.
Well, if it's not, then
solve it for me.
Okay, it's pretty simple.
A curse is the universe trying
to make you right a cosmic wrong.
You have to figure out what
made the curse start and fix it.
And how do you know that?
Duh... the curse of the bambino.
By some sort of divine
intervention, the Boston Red Sox
got babe Ruth, and they traded
him to the Yankees.
To break the curse, they had
to beat the yanks.
It took them over 80 fucking
years, but they fixed it.
The universe is a cruel bitch.
You know, Stanley, you can
always say, "I don't know"
every once in awhile.
You don't always have to bullshit every
time there's a pause in the conversation.
Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why
are you still stuck in the same fucking day?
Curses are bullshit. Now
say sorry and go conquer
that which has been
unconquerable.
Angela.
[ School bell rings ]
I got to go.
Hey!
Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.
Kids, tomorrow I'm going to
be out with a substitute and
the next day I'm gonna have a big story
to tell you all about my mammogram.
Uh, miss marconi.
Angela's wanted down
at the main office.
Do you have a pass?
No.
Then she can't go with you.
Uh, fine.
Angela, tonight. I am coming
over and not for tutoring.
Rob.
What?
Spelling bee.
Seriously? Spelling bee?
You okay with that?
Sure.
You may continue your class now.
Okay, I need you to tell me everything
you know about pleasing a woman.
Jesus.
He's like the bill belichick
of lady parts.
Promise me you won't watch.
I can make no such promises.
Aw, motherfucker!
What made you do this?
You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time, and it
felt like you were finally
starting to notice me, you know?
Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.
[ Laughs ]
This is really nice. Usually
I'm with older guys, so...
Yeah, well, I am more
romance, less body hair, so...
[ Both laugh ]
You know what could
be really fun?
If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.
[ Laughing ] Okay.
That way, I mean, you just
have to, like, hook me up with
cheat sheets and write
my papers for me.
[ Chuckles ]
But I tutor you.
Yeah, but isn't this better?
I mean, we can fun during our
study sessions, and then you can
go home and do my work after.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, but... You don't ever
have to act cool around me.
I thought that's why you like
me, that and I make you feel safe.
[ Chuckles ]
I never said that.
[ Chuckles ]
You are right. Um... Look,
Angela, you are obviously
very, very hot, but,
you know what?
This never works out.
I mean, I have tried to have sex
with you like six times, and I'm done.
I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed
to be, but it is definitely not here.
And I'm sorry...
white zinfandel?
What are you? Like, 45?
Okay, then you can get
the fuck out of here.
Will do.
Dick. [ Scoffs ]
White zin's delish.
That was quick.
Go fuck yourself.
[ Whimpers ]
[ Sighs ]
I talked to my buddies
in admissions.
You don't think I would have found
out that you blew off the interview?
I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.
She told me you went over to
"what's-her- slut's"... her words.
Dad, it has been a
really long day.
Oh.
It's not over yet. Here.
Put this on.
There he is.
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Get your game face on.
Jack roth?
RARBG.COM Yeah?
I'm Jim crabbe. This is
my son, rob.
We talked on the phone before.
Right.
Right.
Have a seat.
Great.
Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.
Jim, could you go get
us some scotch?
Couple scotches?
Service here is shit.
Oh, sure. Okay.
Um... What'll you have?
Dewar's on the rocks with
a twist. Make it a double.
[ Sighs ]
Your dad really wants
you to go to Georgetown.
Yeah.
Do you?
What's going through
your mind right now?
Just that I can't wait for
this day to be over.
You and me both.
My cat shits outside of the box.
Not down the hall or in the basement or
in my bed, just right outside of the box.
It's a big "fuck you. "
Yeah, what's up with that?
My wife passed away a
few months ago.
And the cat really loved her.
He wishes I had died instead
of her. That's what he's saying.
Have you considered that
maybe... Your cat's just an asshole?
He is an asshole.
Thank you.
There we go. [ Chuckles ]
Jim, I was just asking your son why he wants
to go to Georgetown, but I would like to
hear it from you. Why do you
want him to go to Georgetown?
Well, my going there was the
transformative experience of my life.
And you just assume that what was
best for you is also the best for him?
Let me put it this way.
I had a choice. It was either
Georgetown or Yale.
Why did you choose Georgetown?
I actually... I didn't
choose it.
Georgetown gave me
a scholarship.
Sometimes the universe has a way of
helping when you're about to make a mistake.
You're on fire tonight.
Yeah. I'll get them.
I'll get them.
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Is it French?
Yes.
Can I have the
definition, please?
"To determine or
appoint beforehand. "
Can you use it in a
sentence, please?
It is debated whether
the events of our lives are
foreordained or the
product of our own brain. "
I don't want to go
to Georgetown.
But all...
don't... React.
Just feel.
Maybe I want to go. Maybe not.
I'll go to a good school
no matter what, but...
The only thing I know right now
is that I really like Gabrielle.
[ Chuckles ] Like, a lot,
and, uh...
Every time today plays
out, I fuck it up.
And I'm not gonna let
it happen again.
Gabrielle is my Georgetown.
I have no idea what that
means, but I support you.
[ Exhales deeply ]
It's gonna be okay.
Can I have my headband back?
Yeah.
Looks better on you.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks, Jack.
Let's go get that fucking girl!
Okeydoke.
Yeah.
Get in!
Can you drive?
Sure.
Why don't we get
some fries, too?
Okay, so what do I do?
Well, it's too late to knock.
Which one is her window?
The light's still flickering.
Okay.
Yes!
During your darkest time,
why was there only one set of
footprints in the sand?
What? Because I
carried you, brother.
Get over here.
What are we doing?
You're gonna need a boost.
[ Grunting ]
What are you doing?
I need to talk to you.
[ Exhales ]
I didn't have sex with Angela.
[ Chuckles ]
N-o...
Yeah. You didn't bang the
school slut. What a hero.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Gabs, come on.
[ TV turns off ]
Stop it, okay?
[ TV turns on ]
[ TV turns off ]
Really?
I'll buy you a new one.
Just... Listen, okay?
When I woke up this morning,
I expected to be here tonight.
I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I
wouldn't have been, but I lost sight of that.
But I'm here now,
curse or no curse.
Rob!
How's it going up there?
Who's that?
That is my Georgetown
interviewer.
Rob, how's it going?!
With the girl?!
What are they doing here?
We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep.
Just listen, okay?
I thought that I had
feelings for Angela.
Rob, leave.
Well, just let me finish.
Angela isn't...
ugh! This isn't about Angela!
Just... Get out.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Fine.
I can end this. I just
have to finish you off.
Then you're out of my room
and you're back in yours.
Okay?
What?
Let's go. Come on.
Whoa! Don't... Do that.
Hey, whoa!
Hold on!
It'll be over really fast.
Gabs, seriously, stop!
Don't touch me!
'Cause that's not hurtful.
Well, if you would just...
Gabrielle, what are you doing?!
Take off your pants
so I can be alone!
Gabrielle!
[ Door opens ]
Oh, shit.
Hi, dad.
Oh, thank God, sir.
Please don't leave, because
your daughter... [ Scoffs ]
She was trying to take advantage
of me, and, uh... I just want to
assure you that I do not wish to
do anything physical with or to her.
[ Chuckles ] Right now.
I'd feel a lot better about this if
you put your shirt back on... Dear.
Yeah. Sure. Here you go.
[ Chuckles ]
So... look, I'll leave, if
that's what you want, but...
I just want to say, um... I don't
know what I'd do without you.
I mean, you're, like, the only
way that I can get through the day.
Every night before I go to sleep,
I check to see if you texted me.
I mean, you were the one who t old me to
stop wearing white socks with black pants.
It's not a good look.
You give me raisins in third period
so my blood sugar doesn't go low.
You don't eat properly.
You download hall and
oates songs onto my phone.
That started as a joke,
but now I like them.
[ Laughs ] Me too.
I love h&o.
Look, today has been terrible, Gabrielle,
each version of it, but it's been
worth it because today's the day I
finally realized how much I like you.
And now all I want to do is
just sit... Several feet away from
you and watch the spelling bee.
But I obviously ruined
all that, so...
I'm just going to leave the way I
came in and hope I get another shot.
[ Grunts ]
[ Clears throat ]
Oh, shit.
So, um... you're at that age.
You're gonna start
having feelings.
Dad, I'd really be more comfortable
talking to mom about this.
Great. She'll be home later.
Okay.
Okay, just go... go
ahead and jump.
Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.
Go for a break, not a sprain.
Heals faster.
That's reassuring.
Okay, three...
Two...
You want to watch the rest
of the spelling bee?
Yeah.
Can you help me up now, please?
Yeah. Yes. I can.
Thank you.
[ Both laugh ]
What did I tell you?
[ Laughs ]
Love is alive!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Use it in a sentence?
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
This one looks young.
Yeah, yeah. It's his
first bee, so...
Is the language of
origin French?
Origin. That is a great stall.
Don't spell it till you know it.
Oh, no. He's imploding.
Can you hear me?
Oh, God. I can't watch.
Oh, don't be such a
pussy. Come on.
Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not
gonna watch it.
Come on! Don't be s...
oh, wow!
No, okay, you know what?
[ Laughing ] That's really bad.
Unfortunately, you've gone
over your allotted time.
You must leave the stage.
Does anyone know
where his mother is?
I've liked you since
we first met.
When I had my lisp?
[ Lisping ] Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
I was gonna tell you tonight,
and then I was hoping that the
beer would help and
not make me burp.
[ Both laugh ]
I was always hoping we'd
be each other's firsts.
Me too.
What do you think's
going on in there?
I think... it feels
kind of weird.
Shush. Do you hear that?
This feels awkward.
I feel... I feel unusually
comfortable.
[ Laughing ] Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Should we?
Yes.
I mean, like, now?
Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with...
rob, just try and relax.
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.
[ Gasping ]
I... I'm sorry. I'm...
[ moaning ]
Rob? What happened?
I mean, besides the obvious.
I'm not in my bed.
I'm in your bed.
And my mom's not here.
Do you need raisins?
No. I don't need anything.
I am right where I'm
supposed to be.
You know what?
What?
We should have done
something like this sooner.
[ Chuckles ]
I've always wanted to.
[ Both chuckle ]
Let's try it again.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grouplove's "tongue tied"
plays ]
That is a wrap!
We have a champion!
Yay!
Take me to your best
friend's house
goin' 'round this roundabout
oh, yeah
take me to your best
friend's house
I loved you then,
I love you now
oh, yeah
don't take me tongue tied
so, why do you want to
go to Georgetown?
George who?
Smart. Beautiful.
You're exactly what
Georgetown needs.
Are you married?
No. Not anymore.
[ Chuckles ]
My wife is dead.
[ Laughs ]
Normally we're making out
oh, yeah
oh, take me to your best
friend's house
she curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.
You should have punched
her in the pussy.
[ Laughs ]
Harder!
Do it!
Give her a tit bruise!
Give her a tit bruise!
Squeeze her tit until
milk comes out!
[ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
[ Normal voice ] Fucking...
[ laughter ]
No, I can do this.
[ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
Welcome to my pu pu platter.
[ Laughter ]
Fuck.
I'll do anything. Anything.
Put my finger in my butt and
make me pump it.
I help you jerk off.
I make you explode.
Do me doggie style and then
we can eat dog.
[ Laughter ]
I've had, like, seven orgasms
so far today.
Seven?
That's three more than me.
Seven?
You have to come to Georgetown.
You can make a lot of money,
young man.
[ Laughing ] That is so... wow.
[ Laughter ]
Is that selling it?
[ Both gasping ]
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, yeah
take me to your best friend's
house
I loved you then,
I love you now
don't leave me tongue tied
don't wave no goodbyes
don't leave me tongue tied
do-o-o-o-n't
don't leave me tongue tied
don't wave no goodbye
don't leave me tongue tied
do-o-o-o-n't
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Clock ticking ]
[ Moaning ]
RARBG.COM All right, so here's how
you can tell, in order of weirdness,
that this is a dream.
First off, I'm having sex.
Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.
Nice.
Are those beakers?
Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.
And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.
Those eyes... Those lips...
Those three tits.
I would tell you the fifth,
but this is about the time
where I...
I'm bit part player in the
story of my life
and I can't wake up, but I
just won't sleep at night
but maybe I'm alive and maybe
I'm dead
the things you say went around
my head
empty words that sound like
shit to me
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
turn it around
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
[ Slurping ]
It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.
Sit down.
I should probably be
going to school, so...
We both know how important
today's interview is.
Dad, I really don't need
another pep talk.
little league and your team
played with eight players,
I said nothing.
When you were bullied
by Sally levinson...
I said nothing.
When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...
He was the school mascot.
...I said nothing.
But this is too important to me
to just sit idly by
and say nothing.
[ Taps chair ]
So, come on. Please.
Okay. Fine.
I want you to wear
this during the interview.
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
But... I don't row crew.
Oh, God. This smells
like crotch.
That's the smell of a champion.
Today you have a
huge opportunity.
Today you'll make me proud.
[ Groans ]
It would save me time if I would
just put down newspaper on
his... Bed.
[ Cold war kids'
"miracle mile" plays ]
I was supposed to
do great things
I know the road was long
but I wasn't raised to
shoot for fame
I had the safety on
ooh, ooh, ooh
[ horn honks ]
I cut my ties,
I sold my rings
I wanted none of this
if you start from scratch,
you have to sing
just for the fun of it
cute dress!
Hello, Lisa.
Why is he near us?
Have a good day at school.
Rob!
Yo, rob!
Ah!
Oh.
Hey, are you okay?
Shh.
So, I'm about to blow my load
when Lisa says, "wait. "
She then stands up,
gets dressed,
turns to me and says,
"okay.
Come now. "
And boom.
I came.
How does a high school chick
learn mind control like that?
Maybe some sort of magnet
school for the sexually advanced?
You're gonna love sex.
It's like jerking off with the
best sock on the planet.
Wait.
Why are you dressed
like Ellen degeneres?
I have my interview today.
I'm not dressed like Ellen.
So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?
Hey. No. Shut up, okay?
I have to get in.
Don't jinx me.
So I'll kill a chicken.
Relax.
Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?
I'm playing "grand theft auto"
online with that kid from the Balkans.
You know, he sent me
this fucked-up YouTube clip.
Some mma guy got punched in the
nuts so hard he shit
himself and came.
Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are
watching the spelling
bee tonight.
Hi, guys.
The dork super bowl?
trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.
I mean, it's like watching
televised child abuse.
It's fucking awesome.
They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.
Huh.
And a good morning to you both.
Hey, gabs.
Thanks.
Arthur.
What time you flying out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.
Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
Want me to put in a good word?
They've been on my jock about going there
full ride since I was in middle school.
Really? Since middle school?
It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.
Good morning.
Morning, Mr. Hughes.
Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.
Excuse me for a second.
Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan, but
what I don't have is my money.
It's in my classroom.
Then let's go.
I'm sorry, guys. I have
to handle this.
And, rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.
I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.
Yeah, and how is
he so confident?
He has one eyebrow and it's
thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.
Aw, he can't help the
eyebrow. He's Armenian.
Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.
Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.
It's an athletic supporter.
In his defense, Gabrielle, a
little discomfort is far better
than getting kicked in he
balls every day for a semester.
That happened in the 9th
grade. It hasn't happened since.
It's not something one
just forgets, Gabrielle.
The 9th grade was my ballocaust.
Never again.
I got beer for tonight.
You excited?
Oh, sweet. How?
Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.
and my dad thought he put it
in, so it worked out perfectly.
Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,
unless you really think that
Mona panchal will take it all.
Um, some stats...
all right.
She is a 13-year-old
up-and-comer from Kansas via
Mumbai with a nervous twitch.
She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.
Also, it is too late to change your
bets because the first round has started.
I'm just really excited for
pongsaklek wonjongkam
to eat Mona for I-u-n-c-h.
Right. Is pongsaklek
a boy or a girl?
Yeah, I have no idea.
But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.
So, I was thinking we could
drink every time somebody asks
for alternate pronunciations.
Or... or every time someone asks for alternate
pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.
Yeah, sure.
Yo, rob! Y...
hey! Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
Set me.
No!
Ooh! Damn.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sniffs ]
It's piss.
Those assholes pissed on me.
Well, that'll dry
by the interview.
Yeah, but he smells like
a urinal cake.
I do. I do smell like
a urinal cake.
Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...
Stanley, go to the lost and
found, get rob a new pair of pants.
I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!
Stay calm.
All right? Take a deep breath.
Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.
[ Laughs ]
And it's gonna be great.
Okay?
Thanks, gabs.
Just text me with bee
updates, okay?
I will.
[ Chuckles ]
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, these aren't ideal,
but they didn't have a
lot to choose from.
Are these even men's pants?
Try 'em on. Maybe you'll
look fabulous.
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?
Shh.
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
Hey, Artie. Can you
help this student, please?
Rob's falling apart.
I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley, but can you
grasp the fact that I'm
already working with someone?
How many people know about your
arrangement with Mr. Hughes?
And I'm presuming
there are others.
[ Speaking foreign language ]
Don't shout that witch
language at me!
I'll burn you at the stake.
Move.
Go.
I know what would help.
Okay, take a deep breath.
Okay. I am.
Good. Now go to
the bathroom, hit a
stall, and rub one out to that.
It's a scientific fact that your
blood pressure drops after you orgasm.
It's like your balls are
shooting yoga through your veins.
Oh, no. Is she coming
over here? Yep.
She is. Shit. Please
stop talking now.
Hi, rob.
Hey, Angela.
Um, good morning.
Excuse me, Angela. I have
to update my Wikipedia page.
Okay.
So, rob, um, I know our tutoring
session isn't supposed to be
until Thursday, but I was kind
of hoping we could schedule,
like, an emergency session.
Miss marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a mammogram
tomorrow, so...
Did you say mammogram?
Yeah, how'd you make
it sound so hot?
I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.
Tonight? Um, actually,
I don't think I can.
Oh, boo. Really?
No. Not really.
Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...
I kind of have plans
I can't change, so...
Do you?
Yes. I do,
have plans.
Maybe, uh, you can study
with Arthur instead?
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, you're serious?
That's okay. I'll just...
I'll just fail it.
No, Angela, don't worry.
Rob will reassess his schedule
and get back to you a. S.A.F'ing. P.
Thanks. By the way, rob, that coat
makes you look so professorial.
[ Chuckles ]
She wants to fuck you.
Her nickname is "after
school special" for a reason.
Freshman year, she cured
Mike Dolan's stutter.
Her pussy inspired
"the king's speech. "
I just can't just bail
on gabs, you know?
I mean, we watch the spelling
bee every year. It's our thing.
You've been borderline stalking
Angela as long as we've been friends.
We've been friends
since we were 5.
You took time to grow on me.
I didn't consider you
a friend until 61.
Look, Angela has
sex with grown men.
She hasn't slept with a high-school
student since elementary school.
She's making an
exception for you.
This is too much pressure
for me today.
Okay, well, let me ask you this.
Has she ever invited you
over to her house before?
No, and stop, okay? Please.
Because I am panicking, and
I cannot shit these gym shorts.
Ew.
Did he really just say that?
The poem tells of a talking
raven's mysterious visit to a
distraught lover, tracing's he
man's slow fall into madness.
I'll start reading and then we'll
go around the room counterclockwise.
As I recite the poem, look
for the repetition of the word
"nevermore. "
"Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...
You know, I looked at last
year's yearbook, and her tits
were not that big.
There has definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement.
At least two of them.
Definitely.
When I die, I want to come back
as her top button, you know?
Yeah.
Or a guy who's fucking her.
That'd be cool.
That would be cool.
Dude, come on.
I have something to add.
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
Rob.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Is that supposed to be
the Georgetown mascot?
'Cause you know it's a bulldog.
I can't draw bulldogs.
..."the silken sad uncertain
rustling of each purple curtain
filled me with fantastic terrors
never felt before. "
Didn't Stanley go to
the lost and found?
They only had Capri pants.
Mm-hmm.
Are you my escort?
At your service.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I have bad news for you.
Pongsaklek wonjongkam, who is
a boy, by the way, misspelled
"endoradiosonde" in the second
preliminary round.
Are you serious?
Shit. I did not see
either of those coming.
[ Sighs ]
Well...
Here we are.
You're gonna nail
it. I know it.
You think?
Yes.
I mean, who can
resist those legs?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Rob crabbe?
Jack roth, Georgetown
admissions. Good to meet you.
Please take a seat.
Uh, before we begin, allow me
to apologize for the shorts.
Some of my classmates thought
it might be amusing if uhh...
bullies.
What was their weapon of choice?
A piss-filled water gun.
Direct hit.
Say no more. I'll pretend
they're pants.
[ Chuckles ]
Look, everything I've read
about you is great, so I'm
really here just to put
a face with the name.
Are those your notes?
Give them to me.
You don't need notes.
Just be yourself.
And it's okay if you don't
know who that is yet.
That's what college is for...
to figure out who you are.
Right? Not what somebody else
wants you to be, but who you...
Really...
Are.
Just answer the
questions honestly.
You're gonna do fine, all right?
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.
Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
They met there, actually.
Uh, some kids grow up hearing
about oz or wonderland.
All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Crying ]
I'm sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
I met my wife...
At Georgetown, too.
[ Chuckles ]
But then...
[ Crying ] Lupus.
[ Sniffles ]
I'm sorry.
It feels like it happened
yesterday. It was 10 months ago.
I'm just having a moment, okay?
[ Sniffles ]
Yeah, no.
Please, take your time.
No, no, no.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Sobbing ]
You know who the biggest bully
is?
Lupus?
No!
It's life!
Life is the biggest
bully of them all.
They'll shoot you with a
piss-filled water pistol
again and again and again.
You got to just get
up, carry on.
Smell like piss.
[ Sniffles ]
Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.
I am sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
Whoa!
Detour.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, lookit here.
It says that you were, uh, part
of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.
Mr. roth?
[ Voice breaking ] My wife
was my tutor.
That is how we met.
[ Crying ] Oh, God.
That's how we met.
And now she's gone.
[ Sobbing continues ]
Um...
I have my dad's headband, so...
Thank you.
[ Sniffles ]
Oh.
[ Blowing nose ]
[ Sniffles ]
How'd it go?
He cried.
Somehow I reminded him of the
greatest loss of his life.
There goes Georgetown.
It's not the end of the world.
It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.
Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,
and then imagine if
they didn't happen.
This is exactly why I
don't have goals.
Look, you can still
get into Georgetown.
And if you can't, focus on one
thing you can still get into...
Angela.
You're insane.
She doesn't want to...
you could become a beautiful
non-virgin butterfly.
Let Angela's crotch
be your cocoon.
Hey. Angela.
Rob.
Nice shorts.
Uh, thanks.
Uh, long story.
But, um...
I can tutor you tonight.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, rob you're such
a life saver.
Oh, I can help you out with
your test, but miss marconi is
on her own with her... Mammogram.
Hey. I've been looking
all over for you.
Hey, how was your, uh...
Really?
Uh, yeah.
I, um...
I pulled a wonjongkam.
No. What happened.
I'd rather not relive it.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, so, listen, um...
I don't think I can
make it tonight.
I, uh, I'm just not
feeling up to it.
You sure? Might cheer you up.
Yeah, you know, another time.
Um...
It's just my future's in doubt.
Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.
I don't know why
you feel so bad.
Because I just lied to gabs.
I feel awful.
Good. We can use that.
What?
Well, guilt is a blessing.
It'll make you last longer.
You can only go four minutes
when it's just you
and the tissues.
Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty
of guilt then, too.
Well, we'll need
something stronger.
Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?
Ugh. Yeah.
It looked like my
grandpa's elbow.
Yeah, use that.
That'll ruin things
for a little while.
That's good.
You know what you should do?
Buy the magnums, too.
Then use the regular-sized
condom, but leave behind the
Magnum wrapper.
What's that gonna do?
Besides make her feel
like she has a giant vagina.
Um, I'll have the trojan ecstasy
ultra-ribbed, please.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
oh!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Coughs, groans ]
[ Tires squeal ]
I'm fine, you asshole!
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
you love you
pussy?
Excuse me?
Are you here for pussy?
I'm Angela's tutor.
Is she home?
I don't know.
Mind if I check?
Do as you wish.
Hey.
Hey.
Uzi, you know you
can smoke inside.
Uh, no thank you.
Uzi's from Israel. He's
staying with us for the
rest of the school year, so...
Cool.
When it's this quiet
back home...
A caf explodes.
Come on in.
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Ka-boom.
Uh... So...
Quadratic equations.
Believe me, it is a lot more
exciting than it sounds.
What are you doing?
Sit on the bed.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, right.
Of course.
[ Chuckles ]
So, would you like some wine?
It's white zinfandel.
It's my mom's favorite.
It's absolutely delish.
No thanks.
Math pairs better
with a robust red.
[ Both chuckle ]
Is your mom home?
No, she works at night.
It's just me and uzi.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Don't worry about it.
[ Chuckles ]
So, uh...
What... what exactly is your
test on tomorrow?
Can I confess something to you?
You don't have a dead wife or
anything, do you?
'Cause I can't take
that again today.
[ Chuckles ] No.
I don't really have
a test tomorrow.
You don't?
No
I just really like
studying with you.
I really like studying
with you, too.
Your grades are
really improving.
The studying sessions are,
like, the highlight of my week.
They are?
Yeah.
When I'm with you, I don't know.
You don't treat me
like everyone else.
I just feel... I don't know.
Safe.
I was captain of the safety
patrol team in 8th grade.
Wait.
Maybe we should...
oh, that... that is nice.
[ Moans ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
What the f...
[ slurping ]
It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.
Sit down.
[ Sighs ]
We both know how important
today's interview is.
Rob?
The interview is today?
Don't "f" with me, Robert.
When you were benched in little
league and your team played with
eight players, I said nothing.
When you were bullied by
Sally levinson, I said nothing.
When you lost the class presidency
to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.
But this interview is far too important
for me to sit idly by and say nothing.
I want you to wear this
during the interview.
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
Today's the day you
make me proud.
[ Groans ]
It would save me time if I would
just put down newspaper on
his... Bed.
[ Car door closes ]
Rob!
Yo, rob!
Ah!
So, I'm about to blow my
load when she says, "wait. "
She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.
RARBG.COM Before she goes, she turns to me
and says, "okay. Come now. "
And boom. I came.
What the fuck are you doing?
Why are you dressed
like Ellen degeneres?
[ Groans ]
No, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.
Some mma guy got punched in the
nuts so hard he
shit himself and came.
Hey, you pissed at me
or something?
I'm just... Really out of it.
I don't think I slept so good.
I was having a crazy dream.
And a good morning to you both.
Hey, gabs. Arthur.
What time are you
flying out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today?
Does anyone know the
warning signs of a stroke?
Good morning.
Hi, Mr. Hughes.
Arthur, I thought you
were gonna be here early.
Excuse me for a second.
You know, I kind of
feel bad for him.
Probably because he
has one eyebrow.
And it's thicker than...
Both: Sam elliott's mustache.
So, I was thinking every
time they ask for alternate
pronunciations, we could drink.
Rob! Yo, rob!
Hey!
Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
Set me.
Oh!
Ooh! Damn!
[ Laughs ]
It's piss.
Okay, um...
Well, that'll dry by
the interview, right?
Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.
I have my test next
period, so I got to go.
Um...
Stanley, go to
the lost and found...
no, it's fine.
I'll just wear the shorts in my
gym locker.
Really? You sure?
Stay calm.
Take a deep breath.
No, seriously. I'm good.
This was the dream.
[ School bell rings ]
You dreamed about today?
Yeah.
Lisa's telling you to come.
The piss gun.
And Angela yearwood wants to
have sex with me.
Bullshit.
Hey. I have a test next period.
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
Hi, rob.
So, I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be until
Thursday, but I was kind of,
like, hoping that we could
schedule an emergency session.
Miss marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a
mammogram tomorrow.
[ Chuckles ]
Mammogram.
[ Chuckles ]
How could you even focus
on your interview right now?
In the dream, I bombed it.
Angela will make everything
in the world right again.
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
You know, I bombed
the Angela thing, too.
That's right.
What?
Nothing.
Are you ready?
Do I look ready?
The outfit weirdly
works for you.
No, it doesn't.
Nope. Not at all.
Oh, I have bad news for you.
Yeah, pongsaklek wonjongkam
misspelled "endoradiosonde. "
[ Voice breaking ] My wife was
my tutor. That's how we met.
[ Crying ] Oh, God. Jesus.
[ Sobbing ]
She's gone.
So?
Don't shut me out!
Hey, rob!
[ Chuckles ]
Are you okay?
I just thought you'd be more
excited to come over tonight.
You know, if you
have other plans.
I can tutor you tonight, so...
You're a life saver!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Ticking ]
Um... Help me? I'm sick.
What's wrong?
I have no idea.
I'm having dj vu or, like, a
psychotic episode, and I really
need your help because
I'm falling apart.
Okay.
Put this under your tongue.
[ Timer dings ]
That's your timer, Neal.
No fever, Neal.
You're not sick, honey.
You can go back to class.
[ Vomiting ]
Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.
Feel better, Neal.
There's never a bad time to
get an std from Angela yearwood.
Even if she gave you a fatal one,
your doctor would still high-five you.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Shit. I never canceled
with gabs.
Who cares?
Angela's about to deflower you.
Please smile.
Could I have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?
Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
I love you
you do, too
oh, shit. This is where... aah!
[ Groans, coughs ]
Are you here for pussy?
Hey.
[ Door closes ]
Can I confess something to you?
I don't really have
a test tomorrow.
I know.
Oh, no.
[ Moaning ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the LA...
today's the day you
make me proud.
Rob! Ah!
She's getting a
mammogram tomorrow.
[ School bell rings ]
I have some more bad
news for you.
[ Crying ]
Not this time.
[ Groans ]
Pussy?
Can I confess something to you?
[ Moaning ]
Just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
What the fuck is happening?!
Is everything okay?
[ Chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah.
I'll just... I'll throw
the sheets in the laundry.
[ Chuckles ]
Do you want this to end?
'Cause [Chuckles] I think you're
getting a pretty good deal here.
We're having sex. The least you
can do is hold my hand in school.
Look, the whole reason that
this works is because I get to
practice for when I meet
the right guy in college, okay?
'Cause as far as anyone
who really matters is concerned,
you don't exist.
[ Thud ]
[ Groans ]
The hell are you doing here?
I have something I
need to tell you.
There is only
one explanation.
Your virginity is
driving you insane.
It's like one of those videos we saw
in Ms. depanorizzi's health class.
You know, how little Timmy went
berserk because he masturbated
too much.
No, I know. It's just... I
swear this all feels too real.
Way too real.
Sounds like a
delusional disorder.
Unlike hallucinations, your
actual belief in these events is
clearly pathological.
An antipsychotic will help
reduce your dopamine levels.
You'll be fine.
My dad's a psychiatrist.
I know what will help.
What?
A threesome.
With me?
Yeah. With you.
It's a win-win-win.
Look, you get some pre-college practice, rob
has sex and is no longer driven mad by his
virginal status, and I bust a
nut before 8:00 in the morning.
What do you say?
Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?
Does that mean that you and I...
mnh-mnh, rob, you and
I will not be having sex.
We'd be boning Lisa.
At the same time?
It all depends.
There are different methods.
You know, we could take turns...
okay.
Do you really think that I would
have a threesome with
the two of you?
Maybe.
Okay, look.
Threesomes are... Special.
They're specifically reserved
for when I find the man
that I'm going to marry.
And then a friend of
his choice, of course.
You know, that's how
you make marriages work.
Oh, and, Stanley, you
can come now.
[ Gasps ]
You too, rob.
[ Both gasping ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
He's a young man!
Are you kidding me with this?!
It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes!
He has a big day, probably
just needed to relieve
some tension.
That was a lot of tension!
Our son is turning
into this pervert!
When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.
Yeah? Well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.
It's just a little squirt.
A little squirt?!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times, and then
I went and saw Stanley and Lisa.
And then we almost
had a threesome.
And then...
Is that a 48-inch...
sure is.
I'm gonna do my own
laundry from now on.
Hey!
Hey!
Gabs!
Gabrielle, stop!
Gabrielle!
Rob? Are you okay?
You look insane.
Did you see Gabrielle?
Yeah. She went inside.
Dude, I called your phone
like a thousand times.
The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.
I know. Lisa's totally become
a master at jizzekinesis!
Jizzekinesis!
Gabs!
Gabs! Hey!
Gabs!
That's what you're
wearing to your interview?
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.
Sure. Are you okay?
Not really.
Let's go somewhere maybe and...
[ laughter ]
Oh, yeah!
You think that's funny?!
You think that's funny?!
Whoa!
Chill out!
That wasn't yours to touch.
Rob, I think we should go now.
Yeah, you should really
listen to your girlfriend.
You guys are taller and
you're better looking, but
that's not enough, is it?
I mean, why do you pick
on guys like me?
You know what I think?
I think you're gay and you don't
know how to handle it, so
you pick on me because, inside,
society picks on you.
That's not cool.
Tommy's gay.
Yeah, it's not that
big of a deal.
The guys are super supportive.
Oh, that's so nice.
Yeah, I guess it would have been worse
if you guys played a real sport, right?
[ Laughs ]
[ Clears throat ]
That came out wrong.
Gabs, I got to go.
Probably for the best.
Get him!
Aaaaaah!
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
Oh, rob! Can you...
no!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Where is he?
Try that one.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, shit!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on!
Get it open!
It's stuck! It's stuck!
One, two, three!
Would you guys just stop
banging for like two seconds?
Ugh! He's whacking!
[ Gasping ]
[ Boys groan ]
Just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
[ Door closes ]
Nothing happened.
[ Slurping ]
Mm.
Good morning.
Sit down. I want to talk to you.
Dad...
Why is it so important to
you that I go to Georgetown?
Well, I guess because that's
where I met your mother
and my life really began.
And you want that for me?
Yes, of course.
Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?
You don't want to
go to Georgetown?
[ Chuckles ]
No, I'm... I'm just kidding.
No, I just... I don't need
a pep talk, that's all.
I got this.
You know, why don't you just focus on
planning your trip to parents' weekend.
Okay.
All right.
Have a good day.
I proved the existence of a sex jedi
and you're just speechless and smiling.
Do you think about
anything besides sex?
Yeah. I think about
a lot of stuff.
Like why we're still
reliant on foreign oil.
What I'd look like
with a ponytail.
You know?
Why the sudden up tick
in peanut allergies?
You know, there are other
things in this
world besides sex.
Other things to see
or do in this world.
In this school, even.
What the hell are you
talking about?
I'm talking about living a
life without repercussions.
Hi, guys.
Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South oaks?
Yeah. He had a psychotic break and
burned down his neighbor's shed.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Uh-huh. We need to get rob
admitted there stat.
You know, I just woke up this
morning, and long story short, I
feel like I can do anything.
Okay. Can we talk about
that on the way to class?
Yeah, let's go. I need
to make a poo.
Yeah, you guys go.
I don't really feel
like walking.
Yeah, you're right.
He's acting weird.
Yeah. He's like the
douchey lama.
[ Sitar music plays ]
[ School bell rings ]
Stop that golf cart!
[ Tires screech ]
Show me your hall pass.
Is there a hall pass
for golf carts?
I'm gonna have to write you up.
You poor soul.
You don't know the power
that you possess.
I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?
A line on a college rsum?
I mean, what if instead of
writing people up, you used your
position to your advantage,
got something out of it.
Like, tell me that you won't write
me up if I give you the golf cart.
You would do that?
Maybe.
Or... Excuse me, miss?
Do you have a hall pass?
Shit.
No.
Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.
You see, my friend here is a
hall monitor, and it is his job
to write up students who roam the
halls without the necessary paperwork.
Please don't write me up.
I'll get suspended if I get
written up again.
Will you French kiss him?
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
But he can't tell anyone.
Deal.
[ Door opens ]
But give him something
to remember.
[ Sighs ].
[ Slam ]
This is what you're
doing with your day?
Yeah, totally.
Check this out.
Where'd you get that?
You know that creepy janitor?
It turns out he's
not a pedophile.
He's just a drug dealer.
Huh.
Hop in.
Should we be out here?
[ Grunts ]
Nope.
But that's what makes it fun?
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And if we get caught?
[ Laughs ]
Don't worry about it.
Just trust me.
It's like that time that you
told me to tell my gym teacher I
couldn't run the mile because
of my menstrual cramps.
Did I do it?
Mr. zizek still
calls you "tampon. "
[ Chuckles ]
I didn't say I'm not
smoking with you.
Come on.
Light that thing up.
Let us see if it is
really a gateway drug.
Oh. It is.
A gateway to awesome.
[ Coughs ]
[ Spits ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, thank you.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, you, um, would you like to
hear something that I've
never told anyone ever?
Yes.
Freshman year, I thought that
parent/teacher night meant t
hat Mrs. wiley was going to be
staying at my house for a night
while my parents went away.
[ Laughs ]
You would have to bomb your
house to get rid of the
stench of her perfume.
Oh, God.
[ Laughs ]
How did we become friends?
You don't remember?
No, it's not that I don't
remember, it's just...
It feels like you've
always been here.
Sorry.
Weed must make me
uncomfortably deep.
Uh-huh.
Um... I was in the third grade
and I was the new girl, the
giant, 5'3" new girl.
And you were the only one who
didn't laugh at me.
I was too scared to laugh.
You were enormous.
[ Laughs ]
Oh.
Hey.
No matter where we end up next
year, we have to watch
the spelling bee together.
Of course we will.
I'm really sorry that
I blew you off this time.
I'll never do it again.
When did you blow me off?
I meant... I meant to say I
would never blow you off.
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry.
This stuff must really
be killing brain cells.
[ Chuckles ]
It's nice to get out like
this once in awhile.
You know?
Get out of class, live a little.
Yeah.
We should have done something
like this sooner.
I always wanted to.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Come on.
Where are we going?
There's something else I've
always wanted to do.
[ Snoring ]
Here.
It's pretty good, but kind of
illegal.
[ Snoring continues ]
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, God.
[ Grunting ]
Hold on!
Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
Rob, this is the
teachers' lounge.
Um, hey, you wouldn't happen to
have a match or anything, would you?
No? All right. Cool.
Well, um, I should
probably get going.
But you should probably flush
again, just in case.
What was it like in there?
It was very comfortable.
There was a great selection
of reading material.
Hm.
I fucking love doughnuts.
You know, all I'm saying is
that you have an inner strength
that one day I hope to have.
Thank you.
Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.
Okay? Because I am not
important right now.
My interview? That
is not important.
I'm never gonna forget you.
I know.
[ Laughs ]
Whoa!
Hey!
Whoo!
What the fuck was that?
Two men. Connecting.
Okay, cut the shit.
What is up with you today?
Gabs and I are worried.
I'm not worried.
Dude, I've told you.
You don't get it.
When did you tell me?
Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?
Because I didn't really get it,
either, but I do now.
Today is a gift.
Come on.
I just got an idea.
Okay, so, as I told you guys
yesterday, tomorrow's quiz will
be on chapters 5 through 7, and
what you want to look...
Mr. crabbe, your class
was two periods ago.
You missed it.
I know. I was taking a shit.
Excuse me?
Oh, my God.
What's he doing?
They're very firm, Stanley.
Like, spongy.
Does that mean they're fake?
Oh, my God!
Thank you.
Sweet.
I think I smoked too much weed.
Did he just feel up
Ms. hartnett?
Mm-hmm. I think she
called the cops.
It was worth it.
Are these seats taken, Sally?
It has been a long time.
Whoa!
That was for the 4th grade!
[ Laughs ] Right?
[ Intense music plays ]
Oh, shit.
[ Shrieks ]
Aaaah!
[ Thud ]
[ Growling ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Groans ]
Save yourself, rob!
Grab her tit!
I'm grabbing her tit!
Aah!
I'm grabbing your tit!
Squeeze it till milk comes out!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, Sally.
I'm a big fan.
Aah!
[ Groans ]
Aaah!
[ Groans ]
That's got to hurt.
Aah!
Sally!
Aaah!
[ Knock on door ]
Have a seat, rob.
I don't know what to say.
You're one of my
favorite students.
Really?
We've barely met.
Yeah, exactly.
I love the students I
don't have to meet.
Meeting you guys is the
worst part of my job.
Do you mind if I eat?
It's gonna be awhile before the
cops get here.
The cops?
Yes. The cops.
Geez.
You grabbed Ms.
hartnett's breasts.
That's sexual assault.
I mean, don't flatter yourself.
They're also coming for some
moron bus driver who was toking
it up in one of the parked
vehicles, but you're the main focus.
So...
I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation, but in an
overcrowded public school like
this, if one of you students
the crapper and I get to expel you,
I am not losing my appetite over that.
Shit.
Fuck.
[ Sighs ]
All right, let's run
down the hit list.
You molested a teacher.
You sexually harassed a female freshman
student and a male hall monitor.
And then... [ Chuckles ]
This is funny.
You got in a fight with
a girl and you lost.
She curb-stomped my
genitals. With her shoes.
Mm-hmm.
Your mom and dad are
on their way, by the way.
And she said that she caught
you masturbating this morning.
It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.
Seems like to me you're going for
a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Yeah, in your pants.
'Cause you're not
leaving this office.
All right.
Let's take a look.
I can't figure out what would
make a boy like you snap. I mean,
up to this point, no missteps.
What would make a boy like
you do what you did?
I mean, it's a big question.
Is society at fault?
Probably.
Have you got bad wiring?
Were you not hugged
enough as a kid?
Rob, rob, Robbie.
I mean, what is it?
You take Paxil or something?
Maybe it's your home life.
I don't know.
Maybe you have horrible parents.
But here is the hard truth that
America is not
prepared to admit.
We're all just... Filthy animals.
And to expect us to play by the
prude rules...
that's ri-goddamn-diculous.
I mean, what you did to
Ms. hartnett...
We were all thinking about it.
As long as you don't sell crack
really don't care if you
play a little ass-grab, but...
I mean, hell, if I had the
budget, I would build us a
windowless room where you
perverts could just go in there
and poke and grab all day long.
And I'd make it all out of
cement, you know, so you could
hose down all the... Fluids.
Come on!
Is that semen?
It's just a little Mayo.
My daughter made me
that sandwich!
That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!
Ohh!
[ Gasps ]
Cops are here.
Yeah, I know.
Dude, you got to get
me out of here.
Come on.
Uh, you do know that you're in
the girls' locker room, don't you?
Tell that to your Adam's apple.
Uh, sorry.
Hide here until
it's safe to leave.
What?
Don't go anywhere.
Come on!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Are you talking to me?
No. I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.
There's a guy in there.
I think he's...
Molesting himself?
It sure sounds like it.
Do you want to watch?
Hey, man. What the
fuck are you doing?
I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working, and I
think I might have broken it.
Wait. Why do you
need to jerk off?
Dude, I really don't have
time to explain right now.
Just help me or get
the fuck away.
[ Clears throat ]
[ High-pitched ] You want
to fuck mistah?
I'll fuck you first one free.
I'll give you all my holes.
Even brown one.
Stanley?
[ Normal voice ] Yeah?
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm trying to help.
I went Asian. Asian seems
right, you know?
[ High-pitched ] Put your egg
roll in my sticky bun!
Ooh, we do fucky-fucky!
Fucky now!
Let's do fucky-fucky!
Shut the hell up.
[ Normal voice ] You shut
the hell up!
Stanley, come on.
Stop, man.
I really need to focus.
[ High-pitched ] Oh, no. Do me!
Do me doggie style,
then we eat dog!
Woof!
Come on, man. Please stop.
You're ruining it.
No, you stop, Mr. America.
Choke me.
Choke me!
Choke me!
[ Deep voice ] You fuck her
from the front, "g. "
I'mma fuck her from the back.
Yeah.
What the hell is that?
[ Normal voice ] It's the only
other voice I can do.
[ Lock clicks ]
I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting
raped in jail is gonna do the trick.
Oh, no.
[ Growls ]
[ Groans ]
[ Gasping ]
Just... Throw the sheets in
the laundry, hon.
You got to be fucking
kidding me!
What was that, Robert?!
You got to be fucking
kidding me!
Look at yourself!
I'm sorry, mom.
[ Scoffs ] I can't believe
this is my fucking life.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
You're not gonna lock
your bike up?
Hey, guys.
What time are you flying
out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...
today.
And no, I don't want to
drop your name.
I mean, I could, but, you know,
I'd rather not be
associated with you.
Rob. What's wrong?
It's not the interview.
You want to talk about it?
I'm good. [ Sighs ]
Well, it's bee day, right?
Yeah, about that.
I have to cancel.
Really? Just like that?
Yes, just like that.
Hey!
Aw!
I don't know what's going on here, but
promise me you'll turn the darkness off for
your interview.
'Cause you've worked
your ass off for it.
And I need to know you're
not gonna throw it away.
If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.
Stop fucking around,
man. I'm not...
I'm not in a good place
right now.
I'm not fucking around. You're my
best friend. I'd do anything for you.
Do you mean that?
Yeah. I mean that.
I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.
Well, I never knew I had to.
I don't know, you're just...
you're always so vulgar,
you know?
I bury my emotions. It's a
defense mechanism.
I'm gonna hug you now.
I know.
Hey, guys.
Oh.
Hi, Angela.
Hey... Angela. How are you?
Why are you guys hugging?
It's 2013, Angela. Men
hug now, you know?
Deal with it.
So, rob. Um, I was gonna come find
you later, but since you're here, I
know our tutoring session isn't technically
supposed to be until Thursday, but...
tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.
[ Chuckles ] Great. And could
we do it at my house?
If we have to.
Perfect. Come over
around 7:00.
Great.
Nice hoodie.
Tracing the man's slow
fall into madness.
I'll start reading and then we'll
go around the room counterclockwise.
Okay, let's get started.
Mr. crabbe, would you mind
taking your seat so we can begin?
Oh, no, if it's okay, I'm
just... I'm gonna stand.
No, it's not okay.
[ Sighs ]
[ Knock on door ]
I need rob crabbe to
the main office.
Oh, wow. Aren't you
glad I took my seat?
As I recite the poem out loud,
listen for the repetition
of the word "nevermore. "
Gabs?
Huh.
..."while I pondered weak and
weary, over many a quaint and
curious volume of forgotten
lore"...
Mr. crabbe, good to
meet you, young man.
Not gonna lie. Today has been
a never-ending cluster fuck.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But as I've learned, in the light of some
recent difficult events, each day is a gift.
Yeah, it is a gift you
can't return.
You have a very
impressive application.
Everything on there was designed
to solicit that exact response.
I have lived to get
into this school.
You know I even have a set of perfectly scripted
responses to virtually every question that
you could ever ask?
Hell, at one point, I was so nervous
I might have even over-performed.
But not now.
Why? Why not now?
Oh, I could tell you, but
you'd never believe me.
Is it the pressure? Because I can
tell you, you're a lock for our school.
Is it a girl?
Is it a girl?
I can tell you, there's
gonna be others.
There will, and when the
right one... Presents herself...
Oh, God. I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.
What?
Here's the problem. There are certain
things that I thought I wanted, like getting
in to Georgetown or fucking
Angela yearwood, but then I
realized I don't actually
want any of those things.
Uh...
Other people just
want them for me.
Having sex is nothing you
should take lightly.
I've had, like, seven orgasms
so far today.
[ Scoffs ]
Holy shit.
How'd it go?
Look on the bright side.
Tonight you get to have
sex with Angela yearwood.
[ Sighing ] No.
The worst part is I don't.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hey. I thought
you had to cancel.
Can I come in?
I'm not good.
And I don't even get to actually have
sex. I just orgasm prematurely and
then I wake up back in my room.
And then my mom comes in to find
me sitting on a massive wet spot.
Do you believe me?
Only the part about you waking up
in a massive wet spot every morning.
Gabs, I know that this sounds
fucking crazy, but I'm serious.
Mmkay, what am I gonna say now?
I don't know. I...
I haven't done this part yet.
Oh, okay, so every day
is not the same.
You can do different things.
Yes, yes, but... inevitably,
I have an orgasm.
Okay. All right. That's... Great.
You got to believe me.
I don't, but, uh, I'm worried
about you now, so...
Walk me through this
never-ending day?
Okay, um...
[ Sighs ]
Well, I wake up...
Just... Throw the sheets in...
smell of a champ...
[ thud ]
Rob!
Hi, guys.
A mammogram.
Nevermore.
[ Knock on door ]
Pongsaklek wonjongkam.
[ Crying ]
No.
Can I confess something to you?
Ka-boom.
[ Gasps ]
And that's all you can think of?
Well, one time Sally levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me,
but those are the constants.
Right.
Look, it's, uh, it's getting
late and I have a test tomorrow.
Gabs, come on, okay? Please?
Please help me.
Look, if you're just gonna live this day
over again, you got to tell me earlier.
Like, third period.
And have you not
believe me again?
Okay, look. Just, if you
want me to believe you...
When you tell me your story,
just mention the Abraham Lincoln
sex fantasy and I will
believe you.
Ew. You have an Abraham
Lincoln sex fantasy?
I had a dream where he...
Emancipated my g-spot.
It was unforgettable.
Oh, my God.
Okay, do you want my
help or not?
Just forget it.
We do have one other option.
We can talk to the
smartest person I know.
You've come to me for help.
Pardon me while I
savor this moment.
Told you this was a bad idea.
Just wait.
Arthur, we really
need your help.
While I applaud your decision to discuss the
matter with me, I have little experience with
mental illness.
Also, he's a dick.
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you
have to leave before my Nana sees you.
Why? What's up with your Nana?
[ Screaming ]
Mama, no!
[ Thudding ]
Aah! Mama!
What the fuck?!
Mama! Mama!
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Thud ]
Mama?
[ Gurgles ]
Is she dead?
Aah!
[ All screaming ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Get her off of me!
Get her off of me!
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Get her off!
Get... Her... Off.
[ Moans ]
[ Moaning quietly ]
Jadoogar.
[ Slurping ]
Where are you going?
School.
Not like that.
It's okay. It get a do-over.
Hey, Arthur.
Oh, hey, rob. I got
beer for tonight.
I need to talk to you.
I'm pretty busy.
Are you okay?
No. I'm not okay.
I'm stuck in the same day, and
it's a fucking hell that you
can't even fathom, and it
just keeps happening.
I wake up, life kicks the shit
out of me, and then I have an
orgasm, and then I live the same day all over
again, and I know that that sounds crazy, but it's
true, and I think that this
little fucker can explain it to me.
Wow, I've never seen a
midlife crisis before.
He's 17.
I always saw him going young.
Drugs or a plane crash.
Anyway, hope it works out, rob.
Whoa, whoa, okay.
Watch it.
These fibers are delicate.
All right, so, he's, like, 5.
Hey, no!
Get back here! Get back
here, you little shit!
Arthur!
Arthur!
Oh, no. Oh.
He's in there. I'll give you two
minutes, but make it rough on him.
I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.
Hey, whoa, whoa. Uh,
maintenance. Keep it moving.
But it's an emergency.
I'll fucking kill you.
[ Gasps ]
Please stop! Someone just
pooped in here! I can smell it!
What does a "jadoogar" mean?
Wait, what?
What does "jadoogar" mean?!
"Curse"! I think
it means "curse"!
What kind of curse?!
Like a jinx!
How do I get rid of one?!
How should I know?!
Because your grandma
put it on me!
That's crazy! My Nana
doesn't even know who you are!
Your Nana put a fucking
jadoogar on me!
Please don't dunk me again. I can feel
sores opening up on my lips and in my mouth.
[ Crying ]
Here.
[ Sniffles ]
If I had a knife, I'd stab you
in the fucking throat.
Have you checked your voicemail?
- Are you okay?
You're acting kind of weird.
- The most amazing thing...
I'm cursed.
That first-generation asshole just told me that
I'm cursed and that this fucking shit-storm of
a day is just going to
keep repeating.
You know what's ridiculous? Is
wanting to have sexual intercourse with
Abraham Lincoln.
Because I've been through every
nook and cranny today has to offer.
You told me to say it, at
9:00 tonight yesterday.
And then I blew a load on
Arthur's mom's ample chest, and
then I woke up back
where I started.
Whatever, dude. Listen,
this morning...
Lisa's a jizz jedi. Nobody
cares right now.
Not like a curse is
such a big deal.
Well, if it's not, then
solve it for me.
Okay, it's pretty simple.
A curse is the universe trying
to make you right a cosmic wrong.
You have to figure out what
made the curse start and fix it.
And how do you know that?
Duh... the curse of the bambino.
By some sort of divine
intervention, the Boston Red Sox
got babe Ruth, and they traded
him to the Yankees.
To break the curse, they had
to beat the yanks.
It took them over 80 fucking
years, but they fixed it.
The universe is a cruel bitch.
You know, Stanley, you can
always say, "I don't know"
every once in awhile.
You don't always have to bullshit every
time there's a pause in the conversation.
Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why
are you still stuck in the same fucking day?
Curses are bullshit. Now
say sorry and go conquer
that which has been
unconquerable.
Angela.
[ School bell rings ]
I got to go.
Hey!
Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.
Kids, tomorrow I'm going to
be out with a substitute and
the next day I'm gonna have a big story
to tell you all about my mammogram.
Uh, miss marconi.
Angela's wanted down
at the main office.
Do you have a pass?
No.
Then she can't go with you.
Uh, fine.
Angela, tonight. I am coming
over and not for tutoring.
Rob.
What?
Spelling bee.
Seriously? Spelling bee?
You okay with that?
Sure.
You may continue your class now.
Okay, I need you to tell me everything
you know about pleasing a woman.
Jesus.
He's like the bill belichick
of lady parts.
Promise me you won't watch.
I can make no such promises.
Aw, motherfucker!
What made you do this?
You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time, and it
felt like you were finally
starting to notice me, you know?
Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.
[ Laughs ]
This is really nice. Usually
I'm with older guys, so...
Yeah, well, I am more
romance, less body hair, so...
[ Both laugh ]
You know what could
be really fun?
If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.
[ Laughing ] Okay.
That way, I mean, you just
have to, like, hook me up with
cheat sheets and write
my papers for me.
[ Chuckles ]
But I tutor you.
Yeah, but isn't this better?
I mean, we can fun during our
study sessions, and then you can
go home and do my work after.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, but... You don't ever
have to act cool around me.
I thought that's why you like
me, that and I make you feel safe.
[ Chuckles ]
I never said that.
[ Chuckles ]
You are right. Um... Look,
Angela, you are obviously
very, very hot, but,
you know what?
This never works out.
I mean, I have tried to have sex
with you like six times, and I'm done.
I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed
to be, but it is definitely not here.
And I'm sorry...
white zinfandel?
What are you? Like, 45?
Okay, then you can get
the fuck out of here.
Will do.
Dick. [ Scoffs ]
White zin's delish.
That was quick.
Go fuck yourself.
[ Whimpers ]
[ Sighs ]
I talked to my buddies
in admissions.
You don't think I would have found
out that you blew off the interview?
I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.
She told me you went over to
"what's-her- slut's"... her words.
Dad, it has been a
really long day.
Oh.
It's not over yet. Here.
Put this on.
There he is.
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Get your game face on.
Jack roth?
RARBG.COM Yeah?
I'm Jim crabbe. This is
my son, rob.
We talked on the phone before.
Right.
Right.
Have a seat.
Great.
Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.
Jim, could you go get
us some scotch?
Couple scotches?
Service here is shit.
Oh, sure. Okay.
Um... What'll you have?
Dewar's on the rocks with
a twist. Make it a double.
[ Sighs ]
Your dad really wants
you to go to Georgetown.
Yeah.
Do you?
What's going through
your mind right now?
Just that I can't wait for
this day to be over.
You and me both.
My cat shits outside of the box.
Not down the hall or in the basement or
in my bed, just right outside of the box.
It's a big "fuck you. "
Yeah, what's up with that?
My wife passed away a
few months ago.
And the cat really loved her.
He wishes I had died instead
of her. That's what he's saying.
Have you considered that
maybe... Your cat's just an asshole?
He is an asshole.
Thank you.
There we go. [ Chuckles ]
Jim, I was just asking your son why he wants
to go to Georgetown, but I would like to
hear it from you. Why do you
want him to go to Georgetown?
Well, my going there was the
transformative experience of my life.
And you just assume that what was
best for you is also the best for him?
Let me put it this way.
I had a choice. It was either
Georgetown or Yale.
Why did you choose Georgetown?
I actually... I didn't
choose it.
Georgetown gave me
a scholarship.
Sometimes the universe has a way of
helping when you're about to make a mistake.
You're on fire tonight.
Yeah. I'll get them.
I'll get them.
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Is it French?
Yes.
Can I have the
definition, please?
"To determine or
appoint beforehand. "
Can you use it in a
sentence, please?
It is debated whether
the events of our lives are
foreordained or the
product of our own brain. "
I don't want to go
to Georgetown.
But all...
don't... React.
Just feel.
Maybe I want to go. Maybe not.
I'll go to a good school
no matter what, but...
The only thing I know right now
is that I really like Gabrielle.
[ Chuckles ] Like, a lot,
and, uh...
Every time today plays
out, I fuck it up.
And I'm not gonna let
it happen again.
Gabrielle is my Georgetown.
I have no idea what that
means, but I support you.
[ Exhales deeply ]
It's gonna be okay.
Can I have my headband back?
Yeah.
Looks better on you.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks, Jack.
Let's go get that fucking girl!
Okeydoke.
Yeah.
Get in!
Can you drive?
Sure.
Why don't we get
some fries, too?
Okay, so what do I do?
Well, it's too late to knock.
Which one is her window?
The light's still flickering.
Okay.
Yes!
During your darkest time,
why was there only one set of
footprints in the sand?
What? Because I
carried you, brother.
Get over here.
What are we doing?
You're gonna need a boost.
[ Grunting ]
What are you doing?
I need to talk to you.
[ Exhales ]
I didn't have sex with Angela.
[ Chuckles ]
N-o...
Yeah. You didn't bang the
school slut. What a hero.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Gabs, come on.
[ TV turns off ]
Stop it, okay?
[ TV turns on ]
[ TV turns off ]
Really?
I'll buy you a new one.
Just... Listen, okay?
When I woke up this morning,
I expected to be here tonight.
I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I
wouldn't have been, but I lost sight of that.
But I'm here now,
curse or no curse.
Rob!
How's it going up there?
Who's that?
That is my Georgetown
interviewer.
Rob, how's it going?!
With the girl?!
What are they doing here?
We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep.
Just listen, okay?
I thought that I had
feelings for Angela.
Rob, leave.
Well, just let me finish.
Angela isn't...
ugh! This isn't about Angela!
Just... Get out.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Fine.
I can end this. I just
have to finish you off.
Then you're out of my room
and you're back in yours.
Okay?
What?
Let's go. Come on.
Whoa! Don't... Do that.
Hey, whoa!
Hold on!
It'll be over really fast.
Gabs, seriously, stop!
Don't touch me!
'Cause that's not hurtful.
Well, if you would just...
Gabrielle, what are you doing?!
Take off your pants
so I can be alone!
Gabrielle!
[ Door opens ]
Oh, shit.
Hi, dad.
Oh, thank God, sir.
Please don't leave, because
your daughter... [ Scoffs ]
She was trying to take advantage
of me, and, uh... I just want to
assure you that I do not wish to
do anything physical with or to her.
[ Chuckles ] Right now.
I'd feel a lot better about this if
you put your shirt back on... Dear.
Yeah. Sure. Here you go.
[ Chuckles ]
So... look, I'll leave, if
that's what you want, but...
I just want to say, um... I don't
know what I'd do without you.
I mean, you're, like, the only
way that I can get through the day.
Every night before I go to sleep,
I check to see if you texted me.
I mean, you were the one who t old me to
stop wearing white socks with black pants.
It's not a good look.
You give me raisins in third period
so my blood sugar doesn't go low.
You don't eat properly.
You download hall and
oates songs onto my phone.
That started as a joke,
but now I like them.
[ Laughs ] Me too.
I love h&o.
Look, today has been terrible, Gabrielle,
each version of it, but it's been
worth it because today's the day I
finally realized how much I like you.
And now all I want to do is
just sit... Several feet away from
you and watch the spelling bee.
But I obviously ruined
all that, so...
I'm just going to leave the way I
came in and hope I get another shot.
[ Grunts ]
[ Clears throat ]
Oh, shit.
So, um... you're at that age.
You're gonna start
having feelings.
Dad, I'd really be more comfortable
talking to mom about this.
Great. She'll be home later.
Okay.
Okay, just go... go
ahead and jump.
Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.
Go for a break, not a sprain.
Heals faster.
That's reassuring.
Okay, three...
Two...
You want to watch the rest
of the spelling bee?
Yeah.
Can you help me up now, please?
Yeah. Yes. I can.
Thank you.
[ Both laugh ]
What did I tell you?
[ Laughs ]
Love is alive!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Use it in a sentence?
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
This one looks young.
Yeah, yeah. It's his
first bee, so...
Is the language of
origin French?
Origin. That is a great stall.
Don't spell it till you know it.
Oh, no. He's imploding.
Can you hear me?
Oh, God. I can't watch.
Oh, don't be such a
pussy. Come on.
Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not
gonna watch it.
Come on! Don't be s...
oh, wow!
No, okay, you know what?
[ Laughing ] That's really bad.
Unfortunately, you've gone
over your allotted time.
You must leave the stage.
Does anyone know
where his mother is?
I've liked you since
we first met.
When I had my lisp?
[ Lisping ] Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
I was gonna tell you tonight,
and then I was hoping that the
beer would help and
not make me burp.
[ Both laugh ]
I was always hoping we'd
be each other's firsts.
Me too.
What do you think's
going on in there?
I think... it feels
kind of weird.
Shush. Do you hear that?
This feels awkward.
I feel... I feel unusually
comfortable.
[ Laughing ] Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Should we?
Yes.
I mean, like, now?
Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with...
rob, just try and relax.
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.
[ Gasping ]
I... I'm sorry. I'm...
[ moaning ]
Rob? What happened?
I mean, besides the obvious.
I'm not in my bed.
I'm in your bed.
And my mom's not here.
Do you need raisins?
No. I don't need anything.
I am right where I'm
supposed to be.
You know what?
What?
We should have done
something like this sooner.
[ Chuckles ]
I've always wanted to.
[ Both chuckle ]
Let's try it again.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grouplove's "tongue tied"
plays ]
That is a wrap!
We have a champion!
Yay!
Take me to your best
friend's house
goin' 'round this roundabout
oh, yeah
take me to your best
friend's house
I loved you then,
I love you now
oh, yeah
don't take me tongue tied
so, why do you want to
go to Georgetown?
George who?
Smart. Beautiful.
You're exactly what
Georgetown needs.
Are you married?
No. Not anymore.
[ Chuckles ]
My wife is dead.
[ Laughs ]
Normally we're making out
oh, yeah
oh, take me to your best
friend's house
she curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.
You should have punched
her in the pussy.
[ Laughs ]
Harder!
Do it!
Give her a tit bruise!
Give her a tit bruise!
Squeeze her tit until
milk comes out!
[ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
[ Normal voice ] Fucking...
[ laughter ]
No, I can do this.
[ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
Welcome to my pu pu platter.
[ Laughter ]
Fuck.
I'll do anything. Anything.
Put my finger in my butt and
make me pump it.
I help you jerk off.
I make you explode.
Do me doggie style and then
we can eat dog.
[ Laughter ]
I've had, like, seven orgasms
so far today.
Seven?
That's three more than me.
Seven?
You have to come to Georgetown.
You can make a lot of money,
young man.
[ Laughing ] That is so... wow.
[ Laughter ]
Is that selling it?
[ Both gasping ]
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, yeah
take me to your best friend's
house
I loved you then,
I love you now
don't leave me tongue tied
don't wave no goodbyes
don't leave me tongue tied
do-o-o-o-n't
don't leave me tongue tied
don't wave no goodbye
don't leave me tongue tied
do-o-o-o-n't