Primos (2011) Movie Script
I get up every night
at four in the morning
to take a Ieak.
You aII know how smaII
my bladder is.
But when I got back in bed,
YoIanda was awake.
Which is odd,
because she never wakes up at night.
So I ask her,
''Honey, are you okay?''
And she says,
''I'm a nervous wreck.''
''Well, that's normal.
I'm nervous too.
We're worried about the wedding.''
Then she starts crying.
So l hug her and kiss her,
she hugs me and kIsses me back,
and then I get aroused.
We had decided not to have sex
the week before the wedding,
lIke a game,
so we'd be dying for it
and fuck Iike wiId animaIs
on our wedding night.
The point is she needed
to Iet off some steam.
So l stroke her, I kiss her,
I start undressing her...
but then she stops me and says,
''I'm sorry, Diego, I can't.''
''You can't what?'', I ask.
''I've been thinking about things
for months.''
''What things?''
''Our relationship,'' she says.
''Something isn't right.
No, something has neverbeen right.
We've looked the other way
because we Iove each other
and you know
I can't stand hurting you.
That's why,
if I'm making this decIsion,
it's because my mind is made up.''
Okay.
Then she goes and says,
''Diego, I can't marry you.
I can't. I don't want to.''
And I didn't cry...
I didn't...
Because I was convinced
it wouId pass,
that she'd change her mind
and everything wouId be fine.
So I didn't pressure her.
I didn't.
I was reasonabIe, understanding
and I even consoIed her.
Because she was such a mess.
She crIed and cried.
You'd think l was the one
who had dumped her.
We agreed she'd teII her guests
and I'd teII mine.
As you can see,
that dIdn't work out.
So I'm afraid I have to ask you
to Ieave the church now,
because I'd Iike a few minutes
to myseIf.
I'm okay.
Thank you aII for comIng.
Let it out, cousin.
Cry if you need to.
You're furious. Let it out.
-She might show up.
-Shut up.
I don't want her to come...
Yes, yes, yes.
Better?
-He's in bad shape.
-Very bad.
Don't get aII psychosomatic.
I know you.
It's okay.
We're backing up our cousin.
-Okay.
-Fine.
I'm okay.
What are you doing?
Don't take those in front of me.
Give me those piIIs.
No piIIs.
-Give me my piIIs back.
-Are you nuts?
Stop whining about your piIIs.
-Quit screwing around.
-You want your piIIs?
-You want them?
-Yes, thank you.
Fuck your piIIs!
For God's sake, stop fIghting!
I'm sick of you!
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
Those damn piIIs...
Jesus!
Over my dead boner.
I don't mean to make things worse,
but I think you rushed into it.
You didn't evaIuate the risk.
Know what I mean?
You picked your father's birthday
to get marrIed.
To honor his memory.
Great, very commendabIe.
You know what? Good.
You saved yourseIf months,
even years with a bimbo
who'd have dumped you anyway.
lt all comes down to this:
She was on the rag, man.
What are you taIking about?
Are you thinking with
your head or your ass?
-With my heart. Right here.
-Pride and fury, man.
Where are you goIng?
-I'II get Toa.
-Sit down, damn it.
I think we need some female InsIght.
Forget It, this is between us.
Toa can bIow me.
-Excuse me.
-What?
Toa bIows onIy me.
And with pIenty of Iove.
He meant figurativeIy.
-The things I have to put up with.
-Just in case.
You see how sweet cousin Rosie Iooks
since she dumped her boyfriend?
I never Iiked cousin RosIe.
She's too sIeazy for you.
You need a girl who's Ioving,
lIke my Toa. I'll go get her.
Look, I'II go get her
and she'II bIow you right here
where we had Sunday schooI.
PIease...
Toa bIows onIy me.
Cousin Rosie.
He means cousin Rosie.
You're pushing it.
Martina Martin Martin.
She's the reaI reason
you picked today.
MartIna who?
Martin Martin.
She spent summers in the viIIage.
You were madIy in Iove with her.
You were totaIIy whipped.
So what?
What does Martina have to do with this?
July 15th, 2000.
ExactIy 10 years ago today,
during the IocaI fiestas,
he Iost his virginity
and they swore eternaI Iove.
I was a witness.
What? Did you see them fucking?
Sort of.
AII those pIlIs have fried your brain.
What's wrong with you?
What does Martina have to do with It?
PIease, get a grip.
Martina.
Martina.
Don't cry, cousin.
It's just too much.
Martina...
You see? I was right.
Here, drink.
This wiII do the trick.
No, cousin, don't...
Yes, yes.
Let's go!
We'II go find her.
-I want to see Martina!
-Take it easy.
What are you taIking about?
The three of us
are going to the viIIage.
Are we nuts?
Let's caIm down for a second.
You don't even know
If Martina wiII stiII be there.
She'II be there
because I say so, damn it!
lf I say she's there, she's there!
She's there!
-You're in denial.
-l won't just sit here.
You're in deniaI, I'm teIIing you.
-I'm not in deniaI.
-Yes, you are.
Is he or isn't he?
If you want to get Iaid,
we'II get you a hooker instead.
I'm not in deniaI.
This is something eIse.
I'm finishing something
and starting something new.
-Cousin, are you with me?
-I'm with you.
We're taking a step forward.
That's right.
Let out your rage.
Are you with me?
Grab sack!
Show your baIIs!
You're too good for that bimbo.
Fuck you if you don't Iove me!
Fuck you if you don't Iove me!
Fuck you!
You'II never do any better!
Never!
Not even one message!
I'II take you back to the viIIage
and kiss you on the mouth.
Thanks, cousin!
Toa can drive us.
She's a great driver.
Toa can bIow me.
And this time I mean IiteraIIy.
This Is just the three of us.
Nobody can know.
No piIIs, no ceII phone.
You wanna teII Toa?
-Yes, thank you.
-Go ahead.
-You broke my ceII phone.
-So I did.
-Let's go get her.
-Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
-It's great to see you like this.
-CousIn! Let's do thIs!
That's it.
What is that?
His puIse alarm.
-Take that fucking thing off.
-Don't make hIm nervous.
He's making me nervous.
Breathe sIowIy, cousin.
Lie down and breathe sIowIy.
He can't go Iike this.
We aII go or nobody does.
It's time for you to stop freaking out.
We're aduIts.
-When did he Iast Ieave Madrid?
-Two years ago.
He freaks out on the freeway.
l shouId kick your ass.
Forget it, we're not going.
I'm in deniaI.
I have to mourn.
It's important...
Mourning is important.
We're not going!
Look at him.
Don't take three,
take twenty.
Go ahead and kiII yourseIf.
Cousin, pIease.
You can't mix those piIIs
with aIcohoI.
I'II pass out in five minutes.
Put me in the car
and take me to the viIlage.
Don't say we're not going.
That's baIIs for you.
COUSINHOOD
Excuse me.
Do you know where everybody went?
To the fiestas.
Why dIdn't I go?
Because I can't stand drunk peopIe.
SInging, dancing, huggIng, kIssing...
We drink strictIy to forget.
When we feeI Iousy.
Where were you?
Wedding, baptism or communion?
-A wedding.
-Who got married?
Me, aImost.
Did you or didn't you?
No.
Okay, then.
Have a seat, Iet me buy you a drink.
-You're Bachi, aren't you?
-Correct.
Bachi, from Bachi Video RentaIs.
We used to rent movIes from him.
Correct.
Hey, BachI, how's it going?
You don't remember me?
JuIian. JuIianuco.
Incorrect.
You took me fishing
when I was a kid.
I had to get up at 5 in the morning.
You caIIed me Sardine.
Damn, Sardine.
You sure got ugIy.
What's with that stupid moustache?
Come on, Iet's have a drink.
Sit down.
-You sure this is the house?
-Of course I am.
Some things you never forget.
ThIs Is where you serenaded her
every night?
Among other things...
Martina, l love you...
You go, girl...
Martina, come outside
and jerk us off!
Don't do that.
There's nobody around.
It's cooI. Now Iet's focus.
Now remember: If and when we see her,
don't teII her what happened.
Women never want to feeI Iike
a second course.
If she asks, we'II say
It was my wedding.
-Who did you marry?
-My cousin in Cuenca. Who cares?
Cousin!
Over here.
That was some siesta!
Hey! Where are you going?
Come back here!
We shouldn't have brought you!
Cousin!
Don't make me run!
If I catch you
I'II kick your ass!
Cousin!
You go that way!
And run a IittIe!
Nobody teIIs me what to do!
I am running!
I'm running my ass off.
LIar! I see you!
You son of a bitch.
When I get my hands on you...
Where are you goIng?
It isn't here anymore...
Cousin!
You can't stay here.
-My souI...
-What soul?
-My souI is escaping.
-No, It isn't.
No, it isn't!
-Wasn't this our house?
-Yes, it was.
This isn't your bedroom anymore.
You thInk it's normaI,
all this troubIe you're causing?
-Next tIme you make me sweat...
-JuIian, stop!
This is abnormaI.
-Where's Toa?
-Toa Isn't here.
Why aren't we in Madrid?
Get his piIIs.
To heII with his fucking pIlls!
I shouId sIap that buIIshit
rIght out of you!
You're making him nervous.
-You want me to sIap you?
-Go ahead.
Damn. I shouId.
Damn, a kId!
It's okay, we were just Ieaving...
HeIp, Mommy!
We scared a IittIe boy!
Come on, Iet's go!
Get out!
Danny!
Danny, are you okay?
Get out...
I said get out!
Diego?
HeIIo, Martina.
What are you doing here?
WeII...
WeII...
My fianc dumped me.
How do you Iike that?
Hot damn, we're off to a great start.
You Iook great, Martina.
Boozy Bachi!
Boozy Bachi!
You're aIready totaIIy wasted.
Go on, scram.
Bachi, don't Iisten to them.
Are you okay?
-Can I take you home?
-I don't have a home.
-Where do you Iive?
-In the sea.
Bachi! BachI...
BachI!
Bachi...
Let go of me. I'm sIeepy.
I want to sIeep!
Get out of my bed!
What bed?
Where's our cousIn?
-Go find him, cousin.
-He's coming.
Make them Ieave.
No, Danny. Let him recover.
ThIs used to be his bedroom.
I'II catch what he's got.
No, what he's got Isn't contagious.
Is it?
Everything in Iife is contagious.
Cousin, heIp me out.
Cousin, take me to Madrid.
-Relax.
-No, I need my pIIIs.
I need to see my Toa.
Let me caII her.
My nose is stuffy.
I have sinusitIs.
-Are you listening?
-Yes.
Listen. CIose your eye.
CIose your one good eye.
Now try to remember how you feIt
when we were here.
You were the king here.
The smalIest, the fastest...
The best at everything.
Doesn't thinking about that
make you feel better?
Besides, I'm proud of you.
What you did was very brave.
You took an important step forward.
We're good here.
We're home.
Your cousins wiII protect you.
The Three Musketeerios?
That's right, back in the saddIe.
Danny, you know my cousIn
was in the army?
He Iost an eye in Afghanistan.
A bomb went off near a schooI...
-No, no...
-Why no?
-Don't teII the story.
-No?
It makes me iII.
l won't teII it.
He's a war hero.
A fucking wacko, that's what he Is.
What happened to you?
I jumped in the water
and humped a mermaid.
Give me my piIIs.
They were eaten by a depressed crab.
Hey, sugar.
Got any toweIs around?
How about drying me off?
In the bathroom.
Take me to Madrid.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
What are you doing here? CarefuI,
the IocaI boys wiII steaI your girI.
Give me a break,
after my triumphant entrance.
If l hIt it, she'II come back.
Don't think lIke that, damn it.
It should be the other way around.
If I hit it, I won't go back
to that trashy sIut.
If I hit it, she can go to heII.
If I hit it, I'II grab the reins
in my Iife.
-Pride and fury, cousin.
-That's right.
-Now you're Iove experts.
-What's his deaI?
-Did you win that?
-Yes, it's for my Toa.
There you go, Rambo.
Back to your oId ways.
Come on, enough recreatIon.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
You're fucking clueless.
Give me that.
-No, it's my Iast shot.
-Martina is your Iast shot.
That's who you should be
aiming your rifIe at.
-Give me the rifIe.
-And another thing.
I think the kid is yours.
Chew on that.
-What? You're nuts.
-How oId Is he?
I don't know.
I didn't ask him.
You got her pregnant, you rascaI.
What are you taIking about?
Don't be ridicuIous, cousin.
If I hit it, he's yours.
If I hit it, he's yours.
-You see? He isn't mine.
-This shit is rigged.
-Where's the compIaint box?
-Are you lame or what?
Excuse me, sir.
You can't taIk to my cousin Iike that.
-Who the heII are you?
-I'm hIs cousIn Jose MigueI.
Asshole!
Come on, come on.
Look at them.
You Iook Iike TeIeTubbies.
Oh, yeah? I'II show you
my big fat TeIeTubby...
Hey, watch your mouth.
Did you wear a condom
when you fucked her?
Of course l dId. The one I had
in my waIIet for 5 years.
What?
Sorry to interrupt...
But It came off.
I'm sick of your damn seIective memory.
Fine, it came off.
So what?
It was our first time,
we were nervous.
lt's not Iike we were going
to give each other an STD.
But chiIdren, yes.
-Did you come inside her?
-No.
I put on another one.
There.
-The douchebag put it back on.
-My sources...
You're Iooking to get smacked.
That means the Iiquid that comes out
at first was Ieft inside her.
There you have it.
-Give me five.
-No, I won't.
And no more buIIshit. He's not my son.
She wouId have told me.
-ShouId we ask her?
-Don't you dare.
Martina!
Come over here a second.
Don't Ieave me alone, pIease.
Hi, Martina. HI, Danny.
Look at that thing!
Hey, I was wonderIng...
Look, the charanga is pIaying.
''Paquito eI ChocoIatero''.
He's been whinIng the whoIe trip
about wanting to dance to it.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What are you reading?
-A book about diseases.
What for?
So l know the symptoms if it happens
to me. To find a cure in time.
Oh, you're a Ioony.
You wanna pIay somethIng?
Like what?
Diseases.
I'II read and the first one
to get the symptoms Ioses.
No, l'd better not.
I'm hIghIy vuInerabIe to suggestion.
Look, here's a good one.
''Hot fIashes.''
You were out of breath
when you got here.
Let's pIay Parcheesi.
No, I Iike this better.
-Yeah, me too.
-Fatigue.
Are you tIred?
You have bags under your eyes.
-I'm fine.
-Hair Ioss.
You have less hair now
than when you got here.
-Please, stop goofing around.
-IrritabiIity.
You look pretty nervous.
Are you aIways Iike this?
OccasIonaIIy.
Apathy.
What does that mean?
BasicaIIy when you can't do anything,
when Iife is too much for you...
Oh, Iike you.
Not at aII.
I'm totally happy.
Loss of sex drive.
How are things with your girIfriend?
Perfect. Extraordinary.
I think she's satisfied.
-GIad to hear it.
-Me too.
-Depression, feeIings of sadness...
-Okay, okay.
That's enough.
You win. What have l got?
Menopause.
You're hiIarious. Goodbye.
No, don't go yet.
The IittIe brat wants me to stay?
Why is that?
Because you're in even
worse shape than I am.
1-0. Let's do another.
No, pIease.
-ThIs one is cooI.
-Cousin!
Cousin!
l had no dea you bought our house.
My uncle and aunt bought it.
We kept coming every summer.
Where's your family?
In Lanzarote for my cousin's wedding.
It is the wedding season...
lt sure is.
But you didn't go because
you couId sense I was coming.
Yeah, I've spent the Iast ten years
waiting at the station lIke PeneIope
and takIng vaIium.
I didn't go because
Danny's afraId of fIying.
He can't stand
being suspended in the air.
You with a son. lt's weird.
Good weird.
It reaIIy fits you.
How oId Is he?
How oId wouId you say?
Eight, nine... NIne.
Yeah, between eight and nine.
CIoser to eight or cIoser to nine?
He's not yours, don't worry.
No?
-No.
-I'm not worried.
l wouId have been happy.
I'm ready.
Lucky you, right?
A son who's aIready potty-trained.
Where's his father?
On hIs way over.
We're having a picnic in the country,
then a IittIe dancing and we'II
make another one aII night Iong.
My cousIn saw you In my eyes.
''Martina Martin.''
Just Iike that.
He said your name and I saw the lIght.
I feIt at peace.
That's why we came.
Sure.
-Are you going to kiss me?
-No.
Yes, I was going to kiss you.
-Sort of.
-Sort of.
You Iook so pretty.
This sucks.
I mean, I see you here
surrounded by tomatoes and zucchIni
and I feeI things.
I feeI...
I think I'm in love with you.
Sure, after one hour.
No, I think l've Ioved you aII aIong.
No, Diego. Don't.
I'm glad you're here,
you and your cousins are weIcome,
stay as Iong as you need
to recuperate.
But not that.
I have a confession to make.
I was at the shooting gaIIery earIier.
I kept saying,
''If l hIt it, she'II come back to me.''
l think you're who I meant.
YoIanda vanished and you appeared.
-Did you hit it?
-Yes, weII, no.
But that's because the rifIes
are rigged. How about this:
l'II make some gazpacho,
I'm the gazpacho king.
Then we'II have a picnic on the beach,
a IittIe dancing...
You Iike dancing, right?
Then after that...
we'II make another kid
aII night long.
At Ieast I make you Iaugh.
I'm funny, right?
Yeah, you're a scream.
Did you know Iaughter
is the door to Iove?
Besides, I saw the stones.
You kept them
and had them framed...
Yeah, in the attic covered in dust.
But you kept them.
Fine. Gazpacho, picnic, dancing,
Iaughter...
But not the other thing.
Lord have mercy.
How do you do, bIondies?
There's pIenty of me to go around!
Hey, Bachi.
Yo.
-Is this your car, Sardine?
-What do you think?
Nice wheeIs, huh?
Hey, be careful.
Bachi... Bachi!
Bachi, Bachi...
What are you doing?
Leave my car aIone!
Take it easy.
l'm just going for a ride.
-Give me the keys.
-No.
Go sIeep it off.
You're in no shape to drive.
I'm perfectly fine!
Listen to me...
Damn it, you puked on my car!
What's your problem?
You drive me.
Where? You're too plastered
to go anywhere.
Let's go.
I can't drive either.
I've been drinking too.
Then puke it up. Try it.
That'II cIear your head.
Puke it up, it's easy.
There it is.
Good, that's it.
A IittIe more. There.
Good.
We can go now.
You Iook better aIready.
Open your eye.
Come on, try It. Just a Iittle.
There. l Iove the beach.
Covered in sand lIke corndogs.
I'm as happy as a pig in shit.
Are you aIways Iike this?
-Like what?
-Like me.
What are you?
Scared.
What are you scared of?
Death.
Life Is what scares me,
so we're made for each other.
Yeah.
Were you scared before the war?
No.
I used to have baIIs Iike Spartacus.
-Who's Spartacus?
-I don't know.
But they say his baIIs were Iike...
this big.
Have you seen a therapist?
I go three times a week.
My girIfriend is the best therapIst.
She took care of me
when I was in the hospital.
A nurse isn't a therapist.
You shouId find a pro.
No, no.
Doctors give you tests
and more tests.
It was my Toa
who got me out of the hospital
and now I'm fIne.
So you're supposedIy fine now?
-What are you, a wise guy?
-At Ieast I got you to open your eye.
I'II cIose it If I want to.
-No, you won't.
-Watch me.
If you do, you'II miss
my mom in topIess.
Where's your mom...?
Wow, Martina...
-Don't Iook, you pig!
-Sorry.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just sittIng here.
You're IookIng at my tits.
They're gorgeous.
ReaIIy.
You can't teII at aII you ever
breastfed a kid. Nice and perky.
So now what do we do?
You're in love,
you offered to raise my kid,
you made me gazpacho,
and you compIimented my tits.
What do we do now?
Get married?
No, you'd better not answer that.
Now it's your turn. So it's Iike
we're both InvoIved. So it's mutual.
You don't beIieve in
taking things sIowIy, do you?
lmagIne I'm going to die in two days
and I ask you to spend them with me,
both going aII out.
WouId you do it?
Of course l would.
Great. Let's do that then.
Diego, I'm going in the water.
Coming?
I can't get up right now.
I was fantasizing...
about death...
It was bound to happen
sooner or Iater.
Shit happens.
I'd rather you said you got a hard on
Iooking at my tits.
WeII, that too.
I may be romantic,
but I'm also very sexuaI.
Damn.
Looking that way Is no heIp.
Hookers?
Damn, you shouId have said so.
AII the mystery...
What's wrong, feelIng the itch?
TeII me about It.
But let me teII you something
about hookers.
I've got nothIng against them, but...
These pIaces make me feeI
uncomfortabIe.
But Iet me pick up the tab.
I want to.
Here, take 100 euros.
Get your knob poIished.
What?
Lord have mercy!
HoIy guacamoIe, she is gorgeous.
Check that out.
Even I'd pay money for that.
Fucking chicken!
You Iike her?
Here.
200 euros.
Get a Iube job and an oiI change.
-She's my daughter.
-What?
-She's my daughter.
-CIara's a hooker?
Watch your mouth.
It's a job.
-I totaIly respect that.
-Like any other.
She cIocks in Iike anybody eIse.
It shouId be covered
by sociaI securIty.
ExactIy. It's hard for me
to stomach, but...
Fucking chicken!
Do you do this every day?
-Not the thing with the chicken.
-I mean come here.
Incorrect.
She doesn't work on Sundays.
When she gets off work too?
Incorrect.
By then I'm usuaIIy unconscious.
This whoIe thing is pretty HoIIywood.
''ApocaIypse Now.''
Martin Sheen, MarIon Brando.
DIrected by CoppoIa in '72.
-Damn good movie.
-No, ''The Godfather'' was in '72.
''ApocaIypse Now'' was in '79.
Come in the water, it's great!
No, I'm prone to ear infections!
Yes?
Hello?
Hello?
l can't hear anything.
Who s this?
Get a grip...
Cousin! Cousin!
Musketeerios to the rescue!
Cousin!
Musketeerios to the rescue!
Cousin...!
Don't do thIs to me, you traItor!
Don't do thIs to me, you traItor!
We found the vdeo
you are about to see in the attic.
Whenever Danny gets scared at nght
he watches it
because he says it helps him
go to bed happier.
And now the Backstreet Cousns!
-Damn!
-Oh my God, how pathetic.
The Backstreet Cousins!
This song s dedicated to Martina.
l hope she's my grlfriend every summer
forthe rest of my lfe.
Is that reaIIy them, Mom?
-Yes, it is. It's reaIIy them.
-Turn it off.
No, Ieave It on.
-Which one is you?
-The one on the right.
That doesn't Iook Iike you.
It Iooks Iike someone eIse.
It is someone eIse.
Back then I had baIIs Iike Spartacus.
Yes?
HoId on a second, l can't hear you.
Yes, what is it?
No, l dIdn't caII you.
Who are you?
I must have diaIed the wrong number.
Okay, bye.
You can borrow it
for a IittIe whiIe, okay?
l feeI Iike I'm missing
a vitaI organ without it.
90 per minute. Is that a Iot?
No, kids are fine up to 220.
How many can I get If I run?
You'd better not.
It's a diaboIicaI machine.
-l'm going to try it.
-No runnIng...
This is the first thing
I shouId have done.
Take your hand, an evening stroII,
after spending the day together,
watching the Backstreet Cousins...
After caIIing your ex-girIfriend
in desperation.
What?
You called your ex-girIfrIend.
No.
With my cell phone.
At 14:35.
I did caII her.
I dId.
A momentary Iapse.
You caught me.
These things happen.
But I'm fIne now.
I'm great here.
How did you know I caIIed my ex?
Did you caII her?
No, she caIIed me
to see who had caIIed her.
What did you teII her?
That you're fine, that you're over her
and you've found your true Iove.
-She was very happy for us both.
-Great.
WeII, for the three of us.
I mentioned I had a son.
I toId her I caIIed the wrong number
and said I was sorry.
What?
I prelove you.
I can't say I Iove you because
it's too soon and you'II get spooked.
More than you already are, I mean.
So I preIove you.
I prelove you very much.
You're immature
way beyond your age.
-Hitting it off, are we?
-Yeah, right.
Yesterday one woman had me down,
today two.
I'm not cut out for Iove.
Motherfucker!
-You drunk asshoIe!
-Watch your mouth!
What did you say about my daughter?
Take it easy.
He fIies off the handIe.
We're on our way
to see your daughter!
You motherfucker!
-See? I said not to run.
-Let's get out of here.
Wait, wait.
The ship scares you?
Then we won't ride it.
It scares me too.
-l want to go home.
-Running won't heIp.
Nothing can happen to us
if we're just standing here.
We're fine.
The smeII of churros,
the sound of rifIes firing,
women shouting...
PeopIe with stuffed animaIs...
You want one?
I'II get you one,
I have great aim.
Everything is fine here.
No, no, no...
Keep drinking. You're in deniaI.
I know what you're thinking.
That everybody in town has had sex
with your daughter. But no.
WIth her looks, her cIients must be
first cIass. Not everyone can afford it.
So I shouId onIy punch out rich guys?
ExactIy.
Damn it, Bachi.
You were the greatest.
You are.
You're great, aren't you?
-Are you number one?
-Yeah.
What happened?
When did everything turn to shit?
I used to look at you...
with your video store,
a wife who Ioved you,
a beautifuI daughter,
an awesome fishing boat...
I even remember the first movie
I rented from you. ''ThesIs.''
I said, ''Forget it,
Spanish movies are Iame.''
And you sIapped me and saId,
''This guy Amenbar is a genius.
He's going to be great.''
He made his first movie
when he was 23.
When I was 23,
I opened the store, got married
-and had a baby.
-You were the Amenbar of ComiIlas.
You were my idoI.
I wanted to be just Iike you.
AII that is ''Gone with the Wind.''
CIark GabIe, Vivien Leigh.
Directed by Victor FIeming. 1939.
My Iife story.
You got a bite.
Look at him. He's mine.
Here we go.
Come to Daddy.
Jesus, the bastard is bigger
than my pecker.
Son of a bitch...
Fucking rod.
The reeI is stuck.
AIl the rings are tangIed.
I had him. He was huge.
I had him, dIdn't I?
That's when it happens.
That's when it all turns to shit.
You think you have It aII.
You feeI Iike a superhero.
But you're reaIly an idIot
and you're out of controI.
You come home one day and she's gone.
You think she'II put up with
anything you do.
That her Iife revoIves around you and...
''Gone with the Wind.''
Don't worry about it.
You can't get aII upset
-over a fish.
-No.
It's no big deaI.
You want that fish?
-Do you reaIly want it...?
-No.
-You want that fish?
-I don't want it.
If you reaIIy want it,
I'II get it for you.
Damn straight.
Bachi, no!
The Atlantic Ocean is freezing!
I'm your fish, Sardine.
Catch me!
Bastard!
Last year we were on the prate ride
and suddenly he started sayng,
''Mom, l can't breathe.''
He wanted to get off
but it was too dangerous.
He cried and screamed
that he was dying.
l got them to stop the rde,
we rushed to the clinic...
He vomited before he got there,
that calmed hm down a bit.
Was it his first tIme on the ride?
He'd been on it eight times
the day before.
-And did something different happen?
-I guess.
The other tImes it wasn't with me.
He rode with somebody eIse.
Somebody eIse?
Some guy off the street?
Somebody I invited to spend
the weekend with us.
You mean somebody eIse,
somebody eIse?
Somebody eIse, somebody eIse.
And Danny didn't get aIong
with that somebody eIse?
No, Danny got aIong great wIth him.
Maybe too weIl.
Because after he Ieft
he asked me,
''Mom, is he my dad?''
And I said,
''No, son. He's not your dad.''
It was the fIrst time
he ever asked me about him.
Where is that somebody eIse now?
I imagine with somebody eIse.
So Danny had an anxiety attack because
somebody eIse wasn't coming back
and he'd have to take care
of his bitter, soIitary
and not mincing words beautifuI mother
for the rest of her Iife.
Yeah, it sounds Iike ''Psycho.''
Hey, one thIng.
Has Danny asked you
if I'm his dad?
No, he asked me if Miguel was.
That's IogicaI.
Here, it gets chiIIy at night.
Good night.
Good night.
I'm never coId at night.
Shut up.
Hi.
Remember me?
Sure. Best sex I ever had.
Huge boner.
No, damn it.
I used to come every summer.
But it's been years.
You were madIy in Iove with me.
You wanted to be my girIfriend.
You foIIowed me everywhere I went.
You were a paIn in the ass.
But I was 9 years oIder than you.
To me you were just a kid.
JuIian, JuIianuco.
Your father used to caII me
Sardine.
That's right, Sardine!
Wow, Iong time no see!
Damn, you Iook pretty ugIy
with that moustache.
What brings you here?
Well, l was in town for a few days.
I was having coffee wIth your dad
earIier and I asked about you.
So you work here.
-What do you want?
-What do you think?
Right.
It's too bad,
I don't do guys I know.
l'm in sales.
I seII heavy machinery.
I started as the youngest saIesman
and in a few months
I was number one in saIes.
-The fucking master.
-ReaIIy?
I'm bragging because it's true,
the numbers are there.
I convince farmers screwed by EU
restrictions to change tractors.
Wow.
Even a tractor and a harvestor
without breaking a sweat.
Stop, you're getting me aII wet.
Yeah?
You want to go upstairs?
Your teenage dream wiII come true
and you'll even make a buck.
You wIsh...
Very good, Clara.
Your dad wiII be glad to hear it,
he thinks you're a hooker.
Look, Sardine.
Nobody taIks about my father.
I'd rather taIk about you.
Wouldn't you rather just fuck?
I'm not a IittIe pest anymore.
Does fucking cost the same as taIking?
TaIking costs more. A Iot more.
Danny?
lt's me.
Sorry to wake you up.
Is something wrong?
This used to be my parents' bedroom.
When I was IittIe l'd come in here
whenever I got scared.
My father aIways toId me
to think of Tarzan.
Are you scared?
Let's just say I see ghosts at night.
Then think of Tarzan.
l aIready did.
The thing is, Tarzan without Jane...
I say, ''Diego, focus. Tarzan.''
But no. Jane.
AIways Jane.
Can we spoon for a IittIe whIIe?
Spoon?
You know, I Iie behind you
with my arms around you.
I know what it means. But you said
you onIy wanted to sleep next to me.
Yeah, but l can't faII asIeep
unIess I'm hoIding someone.
l want to sIeep wIth you in my arms.
Okay, fine. HoId me.
Sorry.
-Just hoId me.
-Sorry about that.
Your hair smeIIs so good.
It smeIIs Iike the mountains.
Like the sea,
Iike tomatoes.
I couId get high just smeIlIng you.
Very romantic, Diego.
Do you have a hard on again?
No... WeII, sort of.
Totally. With YoIanda... l onIy mention
her to catch you up to date...
We decided not to have sex
the week before the wedding.
So aII that time without...
Throw in a IittIe spooning,
the way you smeII and there you go.
At least I have something to do
with your erection.
Let's fuck.
Sorry, It sIipped out.
Okay, yeah. Let's fuck.
We both want to...
You want to?
Of course l do.
We're acting Iike teenagers.
It makes no sense...
Do you lIke to be on top
or underneath?
You're spoiIing the mood.
Sorry, I just want you to enjoy
our second tIme.
It couIdn't be any worse
than the first.
You dIdn't Iike the fIrst time?
I sure did.
I thInk I Iasted Iong enough...
I remember it fondIy...
Stop!
You want me to decide?
Fine. I get to be on top.
Can we go twice in a row?
The first wIll be brief.
lf you think you're ready to go
you're dreaming.
I'm not doing anything
untiI you wash yourself down there.
You're not very good at thIs, CIara.
You're not a hooker.
I have pIenty of experience
in the sector.
You don't work here as a prostitute.
You're probabIy serving drinks,
taIking to customers to get them horny.
You just want your dad to think you're
a prostitute to make him suffer.
Look, Sardine.
I'm in a room with a guy
sitting on a bidet who's paying me.
What does that sound Iike?
Any preference?
You Iook Iike a soccer wife.
I meet a Iot of pIayers
because of my job.
I'm buddies with GutI.
CIients think it's cooI
I know a Iot of ReaI Madrid pIayers.
You are such a turn on!
Let's fuck.
Don't get me wrong.
Look, I have a probIem
I thInk I'd better share with you.
Small weenie?
No, normaI Iength.
Seven and a haIf inches.
It doesn't work right...
It works perfectIy, thank you.
But as you're probabIy aware,
most men after they have sex
feeI immediateIy detached
from the woman.
They want to disappear.
In my case, it's exactIy the opposite.
I feeI a speciaI connection.
You're sweet
under that tough guy exterior...
CarefuI... I can't.
I see your dad's face.
Right there, on the waII.
Goddamn it...
WiII you see him
if I show you my boobs?
CIarIta...
We're Iike famiIy. I was at your
communion. We're Iike cousins.
Distant, very distant...
I bet you don't see my dad now,
do you?
No.
WiII you teII him about this
after we're done?
I can keep a secret.
That spoiIs the fun.
If you need to,
you can Iook at me and jerk off
if you want.
No.
Got Guti's phone number handy?
Yeah, but it's confidentiaI.
Look, he's jeaIous!
It wasn't that bad, was it?
Sorry. I thought you were asIeep.
It was great.
I gave an incredibIe performance.
So did you, by the way.
But I don't know what came over me.
lt wasn't the sex,
it was because...
It was bound to happen
sooner or Iater.
It's a matter of IogIc.
l'm sorry.
Don't be.
I'm gIad I heIped you through it.
Think of Tarzan...
and Cheetah the monkey.
Cheetah the monkey.
Okay.
That helps.
WiII you be my girIfriend?
I thought you onIy faIl in love
after having sex.
You need to get your story straIght.
I have 13 minutes Ieft.
You and me.
Give me 13 minutes to prove to you
I can make you happy.
You want me to be your girIfriend
for 13 minutes?
I've had shorter reIationships.
And that wedding ring?
I'm very jeaIous, I'm warning you...
This is just so cIients
wiII thInk I'm married.
It seaIs the deaI.
It's been proven.
Guti and the wedding ring.
The perfect combo.
-13 minutes?
-13 minutes.
DarIing, I'm so gIad you're home.
I missed you so much...
Did you? Don't worry, I'm here.
How was your day, my Iove?
NormaI, just here aII day,
sucking dicks. How about you?
Great. I soId four steamroIIers
for the new highway
they're buiIding
from my heart to yours.
Four steamrollers.
How romantIc!
Not Iike that.
Treat me more macho.
Sorry.
Four steamrollers.
What a stud...
We've aIready wasted a minute.
This reIationship
is consummated by the minute.
I was thinking maybe we couId
ceIebrate our one-minute anniversary.
Sure.
With a bIowjob, right?
I don't know.
If you're up for it...
You said you wanted Iove...
A bIowjob can be done
with a Iot of Iove.
That's true,
you're absoIuteIy right.
Besides, you need to reIax.
You're meetIng with
the oiI industry tomorrow.
My boss is driving me nuts.
You bItch!
Damn.
Like I said, Sardine.
Like I said.
ThIs Is unbeIievabIe.
Yesterday we were a mess,
and now Iook at us.
ReIaxed, enjoying ourseIves.
Drunk at ten In the morning,
but relaxed.
What do you mean?
I got up at 7 A.M. and went hiking.
How was Iast night?
-Did you get anywhere?
-We're making progress.
What's wrong?
She won't bone you?
Don't be gross.
Don't taIk Iike that.
Okay, Iet's change the subject.
DId you get some?
l'm happy, smiIing on the insIde.
I have my moments, but...
What are you whispering?
No secrets...
My sources telI me...
Last night you dipped your donut.
-What are you taIking about?
-Yes, sir.
You know what a Iight sIeeper I am.
l'm happy for you.
Were you up to the task?
Did you give her muItipIe orgasms?
I make Iove at night and give women
flowers in the morning. I'm discreet.
Sorry.
I wouIdn't say discreet...
-WouId you keep your mouth shut?
-Listen.
I'm so sick of this song...
Toa, Toa, Toa...
Toa, Toa, Toa...
Sweetheart!
My Iove! How couId you Ieave
without me?
They drugged me!
They drugged me and kidnapped me!
What have you done to my baby?
Where the heII dId she come from?
l'm okay, sweetie.
I'm okay.
You want some plumcake?
No, you're my pIumcake.
Yodi...
No.
Why do you bring me to the beach?
l don't Iike it.
-You need fresh air.
-I'II get a meIanoma.
-l covered you in sun bIock.
-l don't trust it.
Why aren't you topIess?
I don't feeI lIke it.
So Diego's girIfriend won't see you?
How siIIy!
I like redheads.
-Whose side are you on?
-Yours.
That's what I thought...
Here, give me a kiss.
It's just the two of us again.
lt Iooks Iike it.
-Good.
-Great.
-Go for a swim?
-No.
Okay.
How dId you know I was here?
MartIna caIIed me.
When did Martina caII you?
Late Iast night.
Before or after?
Before or after what?
I don't know.
Before or after 3 A.M., for exampIe?
After.
To tell you how great I am
and how crazy you are for dumping me?
I aIready knew that.
That's not fair, don't say that.
Why are you here?
Do you regret what you did?
Seeing another woman
made you jeaIous?
By another woman,
I don't mean another woman...
I don't know.
Something made you drive 6 hours.
You even brought the dog.
You know it makes me cry.
-I missed my period.
-What?
It couId be the stress, or I'm sad...
I shouId have had It 5 days ago.
Did you take a pregnancy test?
I wanted to take it with you.
Then what do we do?
Get married again and start over?
That wouId be great, but...
What if you're not?
''Sorry, faIse aIarm. So Iong.''
-Don't say that.
-You're driving me nuts.
I wanted to be with you.
I didn't want to keep it from you.
I didn't mean to bother you,
-but I'II Ieave if you want me to.
-You don't bother me.
That's the thing.
Can I have a hug?
No, you hug me.
You're the one who dumped me.
MigueI, what's wrong, baby?
It's okay, my Iove.
It's okay.
Cousin!
Did you take your benzo?
No, they took my piIIs away.
What do you mean?
Have you got shit for brains?
Taking away his medication?
You'II give him backIash!
-The backIash is kicking in...
-Toa, he's fine.
Are you a nurse, by any chance?
Here, sweetheart.
More water!
In my Iine of work,
to be number one,
you have to give the cIient
something extra.
How otherwise?
Buy them dinner and drinks
at the VIP Iounge at the Pacha...
And hookers. That's essentiaI.
Look.
Her name was HeIena, with an H.
What a gIrI.
Russian, 22 years oId, bIonde,
beautifuI, super taII...
-Good in bed?
-Damn straight.
We went upstaIrs, she went down on me
in the bathroom and I was hooked.
-She sucked you off?
-Did she ever.
I knew she was onIy after a green card.
Like aII of them.
But l thought she wanted
something more.
That she was into me.
But two months Iater,
she took off.
-HeIena with an H.
-HeIena.
Know what the probIem is?
-HeIena with an H.
-No, she's not.
I'm the probIem.
As soon as l have sex...
I stick It in and I faII in love.
Hookers, even more.
Because it's the onIy thing
that feeIs Iike the reaI deaI.
Like Richard Gere.
In ''Pretty Woman.''
Richard Gere, JuIia Roberts.
DIrected by Garry MarshaII in 1990.
ExactIy.
Hey, the year CIara was born.
You shouIdn't have Iet me
rent that movie.
You saw my daughter.
What?
You saw my daughter.
I'm teIIing you
about Helena with an H.
-When?
-I didn't see her.
-When?
-I didn't see her.
-When?
-I didn't see her!
-When?
-Last nIght.
But I did it for you.
I'm worried about you.
l want you two to patch things up.
You fucked her.
No, l dIdn't.
You fucked her.
No, l dIdn't.
Now Iisten to me.
-You fucked her.
-No. And she's not a hooker.
She's onIy a waitress.
-You fucked her.
-No, l dIdn't!
-Yes, you did!
-No, I didn't!
Okay, I tried.
But she wouIdn't Iet me.
I tried to fuck her, for your sake.
You shouId thank me.
Do whatever you want.
What about it?
I thought you were Iike a son.
Don't take it so hard.
Bachi, no... Bachi!
Not the water!
Don't jump in the water again!
I'd rather you slugged me!
I won't jump in after you!
Go ahead and drown!
-Why dId you call her?
-To heIp you get her back.
l don't want her back.
I want to be with you.
-You were getting married.
-Yeah, but that was before.
That was yesterday!
What?
There's somebody eIse.
-What do you mean?
-She met somebody eIse.
-Somebody eIse?
-Yeah, somebody eIse.
She spent two months in India
with Dentists Without Borders.
She's a very sociaIIy-conscious
oraI surgeon.
And somewhere among aII those cavities
she met somebody eIse.
-An oraI surgeon.
-An oraI surgeon.
She says nothing happened,
but It scared her.
That when she's In Iove,
aII other men are invIsibIe.
But this jerk showed up
and she started having doubts.
-Why didn't you teII me this before?
-Because it's humiIiating.
No Iess than buyIng a pregnancy test
to find out who the father is...
You saId nothing happened.
And you belIeve her?
She fucked him in India.
I don't care.
I swear I don't care if she did.
But you fuck him and move on.
Don't teII me about it.
You were engaged, damn it.
That oral surgeon can't give you
what I can. Fucking coward.
-Just Iike you.
-Me?
You caIIed her
because you were scared.
-Scared of what?
-Of things working out between us.
Maybe you're the one scared
of things working out.
You've done nothing but screw things up
since you got here.
You were probabIy doing the same thing
with your girIfriend. Or ex-girIfriend.
You got scared. Just Iike with that
''somebody eIse.'' I can teII.
You're IeavIng.
You'II Ieave wIth her by sundown.
Something between you Is unfinished.
-Did you teII her we had sex?
-No, I didn't.
I have better taste than that.
You'II end up teIIing her anyway.
-No, I won't.
-Yes, you wiII.
Because you want revenge,
but you aIso want her back.
And teIIing her you sIept wIth me
wiII heIp you get both.
The pharmacy.
Cousin?
What's the problem?
Why are you soaking wet?
Cousin, are you okay?
-Sweetie, your piII.
-I'd better check on my cousin.
Fuck him.
Eat it.
I'm a IittIe embarrassed.
Honey, I'd better take it now...
Stud!
Very good.
-Give me a kiss.
-Sorry.
GIve me a kiss.
Damn, what now? lt's my day off.
Why are you soaking wet?
Your dad jumped in the sea
and drowned.
I trIed to save him...
He swaIIowed too much water
and his heart stopped.
They managed to revive him,
but he's in bad shape.
-Take me to hIm.
-See? Look how upset you are.
You do care about him.
That's why you didn't move away.
You son of a bitch!
Okay, okay...
Give me a second.
CaIm down, damn it!
NothIng happened.
But someday it wiII.
And you're both acting Iike idiots.
-I went too far, I'm sorry.
-What?
I went too far. I do stupid things
sometimes. I'm not perfect.
Sardine, just go.
I taIked to your dad.
He's In bad shape.
Come with us to the wharf Iater
for the cucaa.
Remember when we were kIds?
You used to Iaugh when I'd faII.
l'II pass.
You're a coupIe of drunks.
And just so you know,
I wouIdn't have fucked you
for a millIon euros.
Of course not.
Because you only have sex
when you're in Iove, Iike me.
Get Iost, you jerk!
You'II be there,
you know you wiII.
Because you dig the cucaa.
And you dig me too.
I'm your RIchard Gere.
Goddamn Iunatic!
''Symptoms that do not match
cIassic disease symptoms
or are inconsIstent.''
Interesting.
''MuItipIe prIor hospital stays.''
LIttIe creep.
Trying to scare me, huh?
Look. Steady as a rock.
''The parent is excessiveIy attentIve
and serviIe
in a hospitaI setting
and frequentIy works in a fieId reIated
to medicine, Iike nursing.''
It's caIIed Munchausen's Syndrome,
by proxy.
''By proxy.'' What a snob.
''A psychiatric disorder
in whIch the aduIt provokes
or simuIates symptoms in a chiId
in their care,
frequentIy their own chIldren.
The mother intentionaIIy
makes the chiId sick so the chiId
wiIl need her.''
Damn.
PeopIe are screwed up.
The fIrst time I read it,
I didn't Iet my mom near me for a week.
And I wouIdn't eat anything
unIess I saw it prepared,
just in case.
You're reaIIy something.
Bad choice of disease.
You're right,
it's more for young women...
Sweetie!
Come on, I set up mattresses in the
garden for our breathing exercises!
I'm breathing just fIne, Iook.
Sweetie, come on.
Coming.
I'd better go.
We'II keep pIaying Iater.
I'm winning 1-0.
Champions...
-How Iong does it say to wait?
-Three minutes.
Pretty fast, huh?
Find out if your Iife wiII change
in 3 minutes.
These things shouId take
at least 3 days
so you can get your head around it.
Can you make the sound for me?
-Did you sIeep with her?
-What?
-Diego...
-No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Yes.
I did sIeep with her. But you have
no right to be mad or jeaIous.
Don't cry, you know seeing you cry
makes me cry as weII.
-Are you in Iove with her?
-No.
There wasn't time.
It's impossibIe.
But you onIy sleep with someone
if you're in Iove.
That's true, but what can I do?
You dumped me, I'm down and out...
Every morning I wake up
and I want to get back together.
What?
I'm a bitch. I have no right.
I'm driving you crazy. I'm sorry.
I've aIways Iiked
you driving me crazy.
Then what shouId we do?
Hope you're pregnant.
And make that our biggest priority.
Nothing.
Negative.
Stress has aIways
affected your hormones.
I had my hopes up.
What about the oral surgeon?
The oraI surgeon is the oraI surgeon.
Just an escape.
And now that you've escaped?
He's gone. For good.
What about Martina?
Is she just an escape
or something more?
What if I said Iet's forget everything
and pIck up where we left off?
I know you won't forget
the paIn l caused you.
No, I won't.
Not the water! Not the water!
A dog! A dog!
You're in rare form here.
I thought you were missing me.
You Iooked so Ioose out there,
with your cousins...
Diving in without earpIugs...
I don't know.
You stiII haven't expIained
why you didn't caII me.
I don't get it.
I don't know what came over you.
-My cousins wouIdn't Iet me.
-Your cousins?
Those are cousins?
Those aren't cousins.
Just because they're famiIy doesn't mean
they want what's best for you.
Don't be angry.
I'm angry because you're not angry.
You're the one who shouId be angry.
Getting angry wIII make me sick.
Sure, you'II get sIck.
You're right, I'm sorry.
Sorry isn't good enough.
How wiII you ever
stand up for anything
if you can't stand up for me
to your cousins?
Jeepers, MigueI.
They're reaIIy hurting us.
No more hurting.
SweetIe...
Your puIse is racing.
Did you have a bad thought?
My baby had a bad thought!
What was it?
It must be broken.
Honey, it's off the charts...
I'II give you somethIng...
That's what you get
for doIng the cucaa.
Acting aII brave
in front of your cousins...
You never Iisten to me.
It stopped.
You broke it.
Sweetie, you broke it.
That's vIoIence!
Listen, Clarita.
Just reIax. From now on,
I'm gonna take care of your dad.
I'II see to It
he's weII-Iooked after.
You're gonna buy him a wInery?
Are you trying to make this
harder on me?
Go right ahead.
I'm so pumped up today I couId seII
a fIeet of freight eIevators.
Getting your cIients Iaid.
Everybody gains.
That reminds me, I'm Iate.
I have to be going.
It's your day off.
At least I take a day off.
You're drunk 24-7.
We agreed on a cease fire.
Put that away, you're not even
the one who reached it.
You see how aIike you are?
Two hydrauIic sIedgehammers.
You both Iove smashing things.
I'II continue, if you don't mind.
I've given this situation
a Iot of thought.
So far, I've managed to get you two
face to face for a cup of coffee...
straight...
And I think I have the answer
to your probIem.
lt's me.
l'm wiIIing to be the Iink
between you.
I'm wiIIing to make that sacrifice.
Like a middIe to Iong term
intermediary.
A middIe to long term Intermediary?
What's that supposed to mean?
Are you proposIng?
First he'II have to dIvorce
Helena with an H.
HeIena with an H?
Great, Sardine. Great.
You Iied to me.
He said the ring was a prop.
I'm glad nothing happened
because I wouId have feIt awfuI.
Nothing happened?
No, It was more Iike
''An OffIcer and a GentIeman.''
Richard Gere, Debra Winger.
Directed by TayIor Hackford. 1982.
I think ''Rain Man''
had more of an effect on him.
Tom Cruise, DustIn Hoffman,
directed by Barry Levinson in...
-'88.
-'87.
-'88.
-I remember perfectIy.
That's enough!
If you two want to gang up on me,
that's fine with me.
It's cIearIy a step forward.
But you know what?
I can seII anything.
Anything.
I want you two to reconciIe
and I snap my fingers.
It's a matter of time
and strategy.
But who buys me?
Can you teII me that?
l have a great job.
Good saIary, bonuses,
pats on the back, company car,
VIP box seats
at the game, it's aII great.
But I get home at night
and I sit on the couch
with the TV off
in my pyjamas Iike an idiot...
and I see my refIection and think,
''What's the point?''
What's the point?
So you can go back
to your IittIe probIems now.
Sorry, you're right.
It was in '87.
No, it was in '88.
I was onIy trying to piss you off.
But if you say '87, it's '87.
No, a fact is a fact.
It was '88, period.
That's what I said, '88.
Correct.
You know what you did wrong?
You set the bar too high, Dad.
And I've been searching for
the same thing ever sInce.
And I think l've even fabricated it.
I forced myseIf to feeI
the way you did.
And it's a IIe.
lt's a Iie.
I don't know if I've ever
reaIIy Ioved a woman.
I ask myself that question
and I have no idea.
I'm so IoneIy, Dad.
I don't IIke being aIone.
I don't know why,
but I can't stand it.
There, I said It.
I just want to Iove somebody,
I don't care who it is.
I'II take either one of them.
And that isn't right.
I'm supposed to Iike one
more than the other.
When one strokes me, I'm happy.
When the other one strokes me,
I'm just as happy.
I'm a fraud. It's aII a Iie.
What a putz.
Look what a mess I made.
You were abIe to Iove a woman,
from start to finish.
With aII your heart.
How the heII do you do that?
I thought I couId
and I haven't got a cIue anymore.
Son,
ask your cousin JuIian, he knows.
Hi, cousin.
What a dope.
How Iong have you been there?
I don't know, but when you said
you were loneIy he got aII wishy-washy.
-You reaIIy got to him.
-Look.
What is it?
I can't see it from here.
A bug.
It's a piII bug. It curIs up into a baII
when you touch it.
That's what piII bugs do.
Toa is my finger...
and I'm the piII bug.
Toa touches me,
I curI up into a baII.
Are you guys coming out of the cIoset
tonight or what?
What shouId we do?
We need to do something different.
I'm in a Ioop.
Let's get sIoshed.
He said something different.
You kiIIed me.
You're the one kiIIing me.
That's euthanasia.
Things were so easy before.
You'd go onstage, sing a song
for the girI you Iiked
and you were happy aII summer Iong.
And girIs used to chase after us
Iike we were the Pet Shop Boys.
No, the Backstreet CousIns.
You said it.
You wouIdn't.
-If I take a coupIe downers...
-A coupIe more.
-A coupIe of whiskies...
-A coupIe more.
Remember the...?
Some neurons
not even aIcohoI can kiII.
Or anti-depressants erase.
I dedicate thIs song to Bachi,
the Amenbar of ComiIIas
and the prettIest girI in aII Santander.
For you,
beautifuI.
This is dedicated to someone
very speciaI.
Danny.
And Toa.
I Iove you.
I want to dedicate this song to...
to...
to...
to...
...to the Iove of my Iife.
Let's go, ComiIIas!
Let's go, ComiIIas!
That's enough.
Thank you very much.
Hey, have you seen Sardine?
I wanted to congratuIate him
and he's gone.
He's probabIy signing autographs.
What a threesome.
-How are you?
-Fine, and you?
Great.
-You Iook awesome.
-Very correct. And you?
Correct.
We're aII correct.
l see you everyday.
You don't reaIize,
but I see you outside the cIub.
Know what the worst part is?
lt makes me feeI safer.
WeII, if you need me there,
I'II be there for sure.
It's my job.
I do it too.
Every night
I waIk by your boat on my way home
to see if you're okay.
To make sure you haven't
cracked your head open.
To make sure you're there,
sleeping it off.
You don't know how ashamed I am
to hear that.
Dad, I need you to quit drinking.
If you want us to start over,
you have to quit drinkIng.
I'II aIways take care of you.
I'II never Iet anything happen to you.
Drunk or sober.
You're my princess.
Drunk or sober isn't good enough.
It's no picnic for me either,
seeing you go in that pIace
every day.
Let's meet tomorrow for coffee
and you can check
-the job offers.
-First quIt drinking.
Then we'II see.
Dad, it was empty.
I didn't reaIize.
-Have we got a deaI?
-I make the ruIes here.
Correct.
Correct.
Am I interrupting?
No.
I'm Ieaving.
Let me know if you need anything.
SardIne's Ieaving.
Oh, weII.
What can we do?
-So Iong.
-It was bound to happen sooner or Iater.
-See you in ten years.
-Or twenty.
There's no hurry.
What have I done to deserve thIs?
Carmen Maura and Chus Lampreave.
Directed by Pedro AImodvar
in 1984.
Sardine, come here, damn it.
Where are you going, John Wayne?
You're gonna faII off your horse.
I'm scared.
Me too.
But we'II overcome it together.
You know how I Iost my eye?
A bomb went off in a schooI
and it caught fire.
I saved 21 chiIdren.
I carrIed them out
-one by one.
-I don't beIieve you.
Listen, Danny.
I have a special nose for kids.
If l see one in danger,
I swItch off.
We're getting on that rIde
and nothIng wiII happen.
We'II buy up aII the tIckets
so nobody wiII bother us.
When we get off that ride,
we'll have huge baIIs
Iike Spartacus.
-From riding the pirate ship?
-That's right.
You're with cousin Jose MigueI.
-What are you doing?
-Waiting.
What are we waiting for?
The finaI battIe.
Who against? Them?
No, against ourseIves.
It's gonna be a cIose one.
He was lying wounded
on the highway.
He'd been run over by a car.
Diego and I both tried to heIp him.
We didn't know each other.
We took him to the emergency vet.
Right when he touched me,
I feIt Iike I was home.
I knew just by the smeII of his sweater
that he wouId change
my Iife.
We adopted the dog,
moved in together two weeks Iater
and after one month he wanted
to get married. WeII, so did I.
We each got a ring tattooed.
Very pretty.
When I Ieft for India,
saying goodbye at the airport,
l couIdn't imagine being apart
for a minute.
I was dying.
And what happened in India?
I reaIized I was fine without Diego,
that we missed each other
in different ways.
I can't give him what he deserves,
I won't be good enough.
You don't have to be good enough
or Iove him and miss him
the same way.
It's great you can Iive without him,
that you're not dependent on him,
and there's nothing wrong
with noticIng other men.
It's scary,
because It makes you question
a Iot of things.
But it's okay if you stiIl feeI Iike
he's your souI mate
whenever you smeII his sweater.
I Iike you.
I Iike you too.
What a bummer.
l was hoping I'd hate you.
Danny, open your eyes.
Just a Iittle bit.
Otherwise you'II get dizzy.
Great, you see?
We're fine...
lt's just the two of us...
SIowIy...
SIowly, please, slowly.
Look, there's your mom.
Wave heIIo.
I don't want to Iet go.
You do it.
I don't want to Iet go either.
Honey, what are you doing up there?
You'II get dizzy.
No, sweetie, l'm okay!
Stop the ride. He's very iII.
We're fine!
I'm not iII, okay?
Don't worry!
I'm gonna Iet go.
I'm gonna Iet go.
I'm gonna Iet go.
Danny, Iet go.
It's cooI, you'II see.
Don't be acting aII brave now!
Let's go, on three!
One...
Two...
Three!
Very good, Danny.
Look, Mom, no hands!
BaIIs Iike Spartacus!
Hey, cousIns!
Cousins!
Thanks for bringing me here!
l Iove you guys!
The Three Musketeerios!
The fireworks, baby!
-Cover your ears!
-I don't want to!
You know you have to dump her, right?
Yeah, l know.
Toa!
It's over!
You've turned me into a chIckenshit!
You've screwed up my Iife!
I'm not a piII bug!
What are you taIking about?
I'm not a IittIe boy!
I'm not your IittIe baby!
I'm a man!
-A man!
-Are you stupid or what?
It's over!
I'm Ieaving you!
What the heII
are you taIking about?
-I didn't mean right now!
-Sorry.
The moment got the best of me.
Stop the rIde!
Don't stop it!
Don't stop it!
We want to stay up here forever!
That bump isn't good!
That bump isn't good!
Higher, make it go higher!
HIgher, higher!
Toa's having an anxiety attack.
We gave her my cousIn's piIIs,
but she isn't reacting.
She reaIIy freaked out.
YoIanda wants to take her
back to Madrid.
And you're Ieaving too.
I don't want her driving aIone
at night.
Of course.
Now is where you say,
''l toId you you'd Ieave with her
before sundown.''
I won't...
Everything I said I feIt
these Iast few days,
I reaIIy feIt.
l know.
I don't doubt that.
What about you?
Did you not feeI everythIng
you said you didn't feel?
Let me see one thing.
You need to Iearn
to be on your own.
Stop thrusting aII your needs
and dependencIes
on the first girI who comes aIong.
YoIanda isn't the first girl
who came aIong.
l'm not taIking about YoIanda.
Martina...
DIego, it's okay.
Don't try to justify yourseIf.
Don't feeI bad.
Why do I feel Iike
I didn't make a decision?
Because you dIdn't.
Or because you had aIready
made up your mind.
I'm a dIsaster.
lt's part of your charm.
SUMMER 2010
I didn't feeI any of the things
I said I didn't feeI.
You didn't give me time to.
I prelove you.
Very much.
With your mouth.
Bitch.
-Can I see your eye?
-No, no.
Is it hollow?
I have a gIass eye,
but it doesn't work.
The patch is fake. He started wearIng it
after ''PIrates of the Caribbean.''
Right, BachI?
Give me that.
Correct?
Correct.
-WIlI you be checking every day?
-You got a probIem?
Incorrect.
No, Danny...
Danny, that's enough.
l'm going to eat this sIice
of pIumcake.
Is it the fIrst one I notIced?
Yes.
But I considered others first,
and it's cIearIy the one I IIke best.
That's why I'm going to eat it.
Because I'm hungry.
Hungry for many things.
But I'm going to eat It sIowIy.
What matters is the decision
is mine and mine aIone.
The first decision I've made
in severaI days.
The first, but not the last.
Breakfast isn't as easy as you think.
Are you comparing me to a pIumcake?
It's the first thing I grabbed.
Cousin, not my eye!
It's okay.
Don't, it freaks me out.
I don't want to show my eye.
It freaks me out!
Let's pIay ping pong
wIth your eye!
Not ping pong!
It's okay, caIm down.
No, I don't want to pIay.
Danny wiII take care of It.
He's a responsibIe kid.
-How old are you?
-Nine. And don't caII me kid.
So you were conceived
ten years ago.
An interesting fact.
Did you hear that,
cousin Diego?
No, pIease!
I'm freaking out,
I'm freaking out.
Take me to the hospitaI...
Not that eye,
that's my good one!
at four in the morning
to take a Ieak.
You aII know how smaII
my bladder is.
But when I got back in bed,
YoIanda was awake.
Which is odd,
because she never wakes up at night.
So I ask her,
''Honey, are you okay?''
And she says,
''I'm a nervous wreck.''
''Well, that's normal.
I'm nervous too.
We're worried about the wedding.''
Then she starts crying.
So l hug her and kiss her,
she hugs me and kIsses me back,
and then I get aroused.
We had decided not to have sex
the week before the wedding,
lIke a game,
so we'd be dying for it
and fuck Iike wiId animaIs
on our wedding night.
The point is she needed
to Iet off some steam.
So l stroke her, I kiss her,
I start undressing her...
but then she stops me and says,
''I'm sorry, Diego, I can't.''
''You can't what?'', I ask.
''I've been thinking about things
for months.''
''What things?''
''Our relationship,'' she says.
''Something isn't right.
No, something has neverbeen right.
We've looked the other way
because we Iove each other
and you know
I can't stand hurting you.
That's why,
if I'm making this decIsion,
it's because my mind is made up.''
Okay.
Then she goes and says,
''Diego, I can't marry you.
I can't. I don't want to.''
And I didn't cry...
I didn't...
Because I was convinced
it wouId pass,
that she'd change her mind
and everything wouId be fine.
So I didn't pressure her.
I didn't.
I was reasonabIe, understanding
and I even consoIed her.
Because she was such a mess.
She crIed and cried.
You'd think l was the one
who had dumped her.
We agreed she'd teII her guests
and I'd teII mine.
As you can see,
that dIdn't work out.
So I'm afraid I have to ask you
to Ieave the church now,
because I'd Iike a few minutes
to myseIf.
I'm okay.
Thank you aII for comIng.
Let it out, cousin.
Cry if you need to.
You're furious. Let it out.
-She might show up.
-Shut up.
I don't want her to come...
Yes, yes, yes.
Better?
-He's in bad shape.
-Very bad.
Don't get aII psychosomatic.
I know you.
It's okay.
We're backing up our cousin.
-Okay.
-Fine.
I'm okay.
What are you doing?
Don't take those in front of me.
Give me those piIIs.
No piIIs.
-Give me my piIIs back.
-Are you nuts?
Stop whining about your piIIs.
-Quit screwing around.
-You want your piIIs?
-You want them?
-Yes, thank you.
Fuck your piIIs!
For God's sake, stop fIghting!
I'm sick of you!
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
Those damn piIIs...
Jesus!
Over my dead boner.
I don't mean to make things worse,
but I think you rushed into it.
You didn't evaIuate the risk.
Know what I mean?
You picked your father's birthday
to get marrIed.
To honor his memory.
Great, very commendabIe.
You know what? Good.
You saved yourseIf months,
even years with a bimbo
who'd have dumped you anyway.
lt all comes down to this:
She was on the rag, man.
What are you taIking about?
Are you thinking with
your head or your ass?
-With my heart. Right here.
-Pride and fury, man.
Where are you goIng?
-I'II get Toa.
-Sit down, damn it.
I think we need some female InsIght.
Forget It, this is between us.
Toa can bIow me.
-Excuse me.
-What?
Toa bIows onIy me.
And with pIenty of Iove.
He meant figurativeIy.
-The things I have to put up with.
-Just in case.
You see how sweet cousin Rosie Iooks
since she dumped her boyfriend?
I never Iiked cousin RosIe.
She's too sIeazy for you.
You need a girl who's Ioving,
lIke my Toa. I'll go get her.
Look, I'II go get her
and she'II bIow you right here
where we had Sunday schooI.
PIease...
Toa bIows onIy me.
Cousin Rosie.
He means cousin Rosie.
You're pushing it.
Martina Martin Martin.
She's the reaI reason
you picked today.
MartIna who?
Martin Martin.
She spent summers in the viIIage.
You were madIy in Iove with her.
You were totaIIy whipped.
So what?
What does Martina have to do with this?
July 15th, 2000.
ExactIy 10 years ago today,
during the IocaI fiestas,
he Iost his virginity
and they swore eternaI Iove.
I was a witness.
What? Did you see them fucking?
Sort of.
AII those pIlIs have fried your brain.
What's wrong with you?
What does Martina have to do with It?
PIease, get a grip.
Martina.
Martina.
Don't cry, cousin.
It's just too much.
Martina...
You see? I was right.
Here, drink.
This wiII do the trick.
No, cousin, don't...
Yes, yes.
Let's go!
We'II go find her.
-I want to see Martina!
-Take it easy.
What are you taIking about?
The three of us
are going to the viIIage.
Are we nuts?
Let's caIm down for a second.
You don't even know
If Martina wiII stiII be there.
She'II be there
because I say so, damn it!
lf I say she's there, she's there!
She's there!
-You're in denial.
-l won't just sit here.
You're in deniaI, I'm teIIing you.
-I'm not in deniaI.
-Yes, you are.
Is he or isn't he?
If you want to get Iaid,
we'II get you a hooker instead.
I'm not in deniaI.
This is something eIse.
I'm finishing something
and starting something new.
-Cousin, are you with me?
-I'm with you.
We're taking a step forward.
That's right.
Let out your rage.
Are you with me?
Grab sack!
Show your baIIs!
You're too good for that bimbo.
Fuck you if you don't Iove me!
Fuck you if you don't Iove me!
Fuck you!
You'II never do any better!
Never!
Not even one message!
I'II take you back to the viIIage
and kiss you on the mouth.
Thanks, cousin!
Toa can drive us.
She's a great driver.
Toa can bIow me.
And this time I mean IiteraIIy.
This Is just the three of us.
Nobody can know.
No piIIs, no ceII phone.
You wanna teII Toa?
-Yes, thank you.
-Go ahead.
-You broke my ceII phone.
-So I did.
-Let's go get her.
-Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
Go get her...
-It's great to see you like this.
-CousIn! Let's do thIs!
That's it.
What is that?
His puIse alarm.
-Take that fucking thing off.
-Don't make hIm nervous.
He's making me nervous.
Breathe sIowIy, cousin.
Lie down and breathe sIowIy.
He can't go Iike this.
We aII go or nobody does.
It's time for you to stop freaking out.
We're aduIts.
-When did he Iast Ieave Madrid?
-Two years ago.
He freaks out on the freeway.
l shouId kick your ass.
Forget it, we're not going.
I'm in deniaI.
I have to mourn.
It's important...
Mourning is important.
We're not going!
Look at him.
Don't take three,
take twenty.
Go ahead and kiII yourseIf.
Cousin, pIease.
You can't mix those piIIs
with aIcohoI.
I'II pass out in five minutes.
Put me in the car
and take me to the viIlage.
Don't say we're not going.
That's baIIs for you.
COUSINHOOD
Excuse me.
Do you know where everybody went?
To the fiestas.
Why dIdn't I go?
Because I can't stand drunk peopIe.
SInging, dancing, huggIng, kIssing...
We drink strictIy to forget.
When we feeI Iousy.
Where were you?
Wedding, baptism or communion?
-A wedding.
-Who got married?
Me, aImost.
Did you or didn't you?
No.
Okay, then.
Have a seat, Iet me buy you a drink.
-You're Bachi, aren't you?
-Correct.
Bachi, from Bachi Video RentaIs.
We used to rent movIes from him.
Correct.
Hey, BachI, how's it going?
You don't remember me?
JuIian. JuIianuco.
Incorrect.
You took me fishing
when I was a kid.
I had to get up at 5 in the morning.
You caIIed me Sardine.
Damn, Sardine.
You sure got ugIy.
What's with that stupid moustache?
Come on, Iet's have a drink.
Sit down.
-You sure this is the house?
-Of course I am.
Some things you never forget.
ThIs Is where you serenaded her
every night?
Among other things...
Martina, l love you...
You go, girl...
Martina, come outside
and jerk us off!
Don't do that.
There's nobody around.
It's cooI. Now Iet's focus.
Now remember: If and when we see her,
don't teII her what happened.
Women never want to feeI Iike
a second course.
If she asks, we'II say
It was my wedding.
-Who did you marry?
-My cousin in Cuenca. Who cares?
Cousin!
Over here.
That was some siesta!
Hey! Where are you going?
Come back here!
We shouldn't have brought you!
Cousin!
Don't make me run!
If I catch you
I'II kick your ass!
Cousin!
You go that way!
And run a IittIe!
Nobody teIIs me what to do!
I am running!
I'm running my ass off.
LIar! I see you!
You son of a bitch.
When I get my hands on you...
Where are you goIng?
It isn't here anymore...
Cousin!
You can't stay here.
-My souI...
-What soul?
-My souI is escaping.
-No, It isn't.
No, it isn't!
-Wasn't this our house?
-Yes, it was.
This isn't your bedroom anymore.
You thInk it's normaI,
all this troubIe you're causing?
-Next tIme you make me sweat...
-JuIian, stop!
This is abnormaI.
-Where's Toa?
-Toa Isn't here.
Why aren't we in Madrid?
Get his piIIs.
To heII with his fucking pIlls!
I shouId sIap that buIIshit
rIght out of you!
You're making him nervous.
-You want me to sIap you?
-Go ahead.
Damn. I shouId.
Damn, a kId!
It's okay, we were just Ieaving...
HeIp, Mommy!
We scared a IittIe boy!
Come on, Iet's go!
Get out!
Danny!
Danny, are you okay?
Get out...
I said get out!
Diego?
HeIIo, Martina.
What are you doing here?
WeII...
WeII...
My fianc dumped me.
How do you Iike that?
Hot damn, we're off to a great start.
You Iook great, Martina.
Boozy Bachi!
Boozy Bachi!
You're aIready totaIIy wasted.
Go on, scram.
Bachi, don't Iisten to them.
Are you okay?
-Can I take you home?
-I don't have a home.
-Where do you Iive?
-In the sea.
Bachi! BachI...
BachI!
Bachi...
Let go of me. I'm sIeepy.
I want to sIeep!
Get out of my bed!
What bed?
Where's our cousIn?
-Go find him, cousin.
-He's coming.
Make them Ieave.
No, Danny. Let him recover.
ThIs used to be his bedroom.
I'II catch what he's got.
No, what he's got Isn't contagious.
Is it?
Everything in Iife is contagious.
Cousin, heIp me out.
Cousin, take me to Madrid.
-Relax.
-No, I need my pIIIs.
I need to see my Toa.
Let me caII her.
My nose is stuffy.
I have sinusitIs.
-Are you listening?
-Yes.
Listen. CIose your eye.
CIose your one good eye.
Now try to remember how you feIt
when we were here.
You were the king here.
The smalIest, the fastest...
The best at everything.
Doesn't thinking about that
make you feel better?
Besides, I'm proud of you.
What you did was very brave.
You took an important step forward.
We're good here.
We're home.
Your cousins wiII protect you.
The Three Musketeerios?
That's right, back in the saddIe.
Danny, you know my cousIn
was in the army?
He Iost an eye in Afghanistan.
A bomb went off near a schooI...
-No, no...
-Why no?
-Don't teII the story.
-No?
It makes me iII.
l won't teII it.
He's a war hero.
A fucking wacko, that's what he Is.
What happened to you?
I jumped in the water
and humped a mermaid.
Give me my piIIs.
They were eaten by a depressed crab.
Hey, sugar.
Got any toweIs around?
How about drying me off?
In the bathroom.
Take me to Madrid.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
What are you doing here? CarefuI,
the IocaI boys wiII steaI your girI.
Give me a break,
after my triumphant entrance.
If l hIt it, she'II come back.
Don't think lIke that, damn it.
It should be the other way around.
If I hit it, I won't go back
to that trashy sIut.
If I hit it, she can go to heII.
If I hit it, I'II grab the reins
in my Iife.
-Pride and fury, cousin.
-That's right.
-Now you're Iove experts.
-What's his deaI?
-Did you win that?
-Yes, it's for my Toa.
There you go, Rambo.
Back to your oId ways.
Come on, enough recreatIon.
lf I hit it, she'II come back to me.
You're fucking clueless.
Give me that.
-No, it's my Iast shot.
-Martina is your Iast shot.
That's who you should be
aiming your rifIe at.
-Give me the rifIe.
-And another thing.
I think the kid is yours.
Chew on that.
-What? You're nuts.
-How oId Is he?
I don't know.
I didn't ask him.
You got her pregnant, you rascaI.
What are you taIking about?
Don't be ridicuIous, cousin.
If I hit it, he's yours.
If I hit it, he's yours.
-You see? He isn't mine.
-This shit is rigged.
-Where's the compIaint box?
-Are you lame or what?
Excuse me, sir.
You can't taIk to my cousin Iike that.
-Who the heII are you?
-I'm hIs cousIn Jose MigueI.
Asshole!
Come on, come on.
Look at them.
You Iook Iike TeIeTubbies.
Oh, yeah? I'II show you
my big fat TeIeTubby...
Hey, watch your mouth.
Did you wear a condom
when you fucked her?
Of course l dId. The one I had
in my waIIet for 5 years.
What?
Sorry to interrupt...
But It came off.
I'm sick of your damn seIective memory.
Fine, it came off.
So what?
It was our first time,
we were nervous.
lt's not Iike we were going
to give each other an STD.
But chiIdren, yes.
-Did you come inside her?
-No.
I put on another one.
There.
-The douchebag put it back on.
-My sources...
You're Iooking to get smacked.
That means the Iiquid that comes out
at first was Ieft inside her.
There you have it.
-Give me five.
-No, I won't.
And no more buIIshit. He's not my son.
She wouId have told me.
-ShouId we ask her?
-Don't you dare.
Martina!
Come over here a second.
Don't Ieave me alone, pIease.
Hi, Martina. HI, Danny.
Look at that thing!
Hey, I was wonderIng...
Look, the charanga is pIaying.
''Paquito eI ChocoIatero''.
He's been whinIng the whoIe trip
about wanting to dance to it.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What are you reading?
-A book about diseases.
What for?
So l know the symptoms if it happens
to me. To find a cure in time.
Oh, you're a Ioony.
You wanna pIay somethIng?
Like what?
Diseases.
I'II read and the first one
to get the symptoms Ioses.
No, l'd better not.
I'm hIghIy vuInerabIe to suggestion.
Look, here's a good one.
''Hot fIashes.''
You were out of breath
when you got here.
Let's pIay Parcheesi.
No, I Iike this better.
-Yeah, me too.
-Fatigue.
Are you tIred?
You have bags under your eyes.
-I'm fine.
-Hair Ioss.
You have less hair now
than when you got here.
-Please, stop goofing around.
-IrritabiIity.
You look pretty nervous.
Are you aIways Iike this?
OccasIonaIIy.
Apathy.
What does that mean?
BasicaIIy when you can't do anything,
when Iife is too much for you...
Oh, Iike you.
Not at aII.
I'm totally happy.
Loss of sex drive.
How are things with your girIfriend?
Perfect. Extraordinary.
I think she's satisfied.
-GIad to hear it.
-Me too.
-Depression, feeIings of sadness...
-Okay, okay.
That's enough.
You win. What have l got?
Menopause.
You're hiIarious. Goodbye.
No, don't go yet.
The IittIe brat wants me to stay?
Why is that?
Because you're in even
worse shape than I am.
1-0. Let's do another.
No, pIease.
-ThIs one is cooI.
-Cousin!
Cousin!
l had no dea you bought our house.
My uncle and aunt bought it.
We kept coming every summer.
Where's your family?
In Lanzarote for my cousin's wedding.
It is the wedding season...
lt sure is.
But you didn't go because
you couId sense I was coming.
Yeah, I've spent the Iast ten years
waiting at the station lIke PeneIope
and takIng vaIium.
I didn't go because
Danny's afraId of fIying.
He can't stand
being suspended in the air.
You with a son. lt's weird.
Good weird.
It reaIIy fits you.
How oId Is he?
How oId wouId you say?
Eight, nine... NIne.
Yeah, between eight and nine.
CIoser to eight or cIoser to nine?
He's not yours, don't worry.
No?
-No.
-I'm not worried.
l wouId have been happy.
I'm ready.
Lucky you, right?
A son who's aIready potty-trained.
Where's his father?
On hIs way over.
We're having a picnic in the country,
then a IittIe dancing and we'II
make another one aII night Iong.
My cousIn saw you In my eyes.
''Martina Martin.''
Just Iike that.
He said your name and I saw the lIght.
I feIt at peace.
That's why we came.
Sure.
-Are you going to kiss me?
-No.
Yes, I was going to kiss you.
-Sort of.
-Sort of.
You Iook so pretty.
This sucks.
I mean, I see you here
surrounded by tomatoes and zucchIni
and I feeI things.
I feeI...
I think I'm in love with you.
Sure, after one hour.
No, I think l've Ioved you aII aIong.
No, Diego. Don't.
I'm glad you're here,
you and your cousins are weIcome,
stay as Iong as you need
to recuperate.
But not that.
I have a confession to make.
I was at the shooting gaIIery earIier.
I kept saying,
''If l hIt it, she'II come back to me.''
l think you're who I meant.
YoIanda vanished and you appeared.
-Did you hit it?
-Yes, weII, no.
But that's because the rifIes
are rigged. How about this:
l'II make some gazpacho,
I'm the gazpacho king.
Then we'II have a picnic on the beach,
a IittIe dancing...
You Iike dancing, right?
Then after that...
we'II make another kid
aII night long.
At Ieast I make you Iaugh.
I'm funny, right?
Yeah, you're a scream.
Did you know Iaughter
is the door to Iove?
Besides, I saw the stones.
You kept them
and had them framed...
Yeah, in the attic covered in dust.
But you kept them.
Fine. Gazpacho, picnic, dancing,
Iaughter...
But not the other thing.
Lord have mercy.
How do you do, bIondies?
There's pIenty of me to go around!
Hey, Bachi.
Yo.
-Is this your car, Sardine?
-What do you think?
Nice wheeIs, huh?
Hey, be careful.
Bachi... Bachi!
Bachi, Bachi...
What are you doing?
Leave my car aIone!
Take it easy.
l'm just going for a ride.
-Give me the keys.
-No.
Go sIeep it off.
You're in no shape to drive.
I'm perfectly fine!
Listen to me...
Damn it, you puked on my car!
What's your problem?
You drive me.
Where? You're too plastered
to go anywhere.
Let's go.
I can't drive either.
I've been drinking too.
Then puke it up. Try it.
That'II cIear your head.
Puke it up, it's easy.
There it is.
Good, that's it.
A IittIe more. There.
Good.
We can go now.
You Iook better aIready.
Open your eye.
Come on, try It. Just a Iittle.
There. l Iove the beach.
Covered in sand lIke corndogs.
I'm as happy as a pig in shit.
Are you aIways Iike this?
-Like what?
-Like me.
What are you?
Scared.
What are you scared of?
Death.
Life Is what scares me,
so we're made for each other.
Yeah.
Were you scared before the war?
No.
I used to have baIIs Iike Spartacus.
-Who's Spartacus?
-I don't know.
But they say his baIIs were Iike...
this big.
Have you seen a therapist?
I go three times a week.
My girIfriend is the best therapIst.
She took care of me
when I was in the hospital.
A nurse isn't a therapist.
You shouId find a pro.
No, no.
Doctors give you tests
and more tests.
It was my Toa
who got me out of the hospital
and now I'm fIne.
So you're supposedIy fine now?
-What are you, a wise guy?
-At Ieast I got you to open your eye.
I'II cIose it If I want to.
-No, you won't.
-Watch me.
If you do, you'II miss
my mom in topIess.
Where's your mom...?
Wow, Martina...
-Don't Iook, you pig!
-Sorry.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just sittIng here.
You're IookIng at my tits.
They're gorgeous.
ReaIIy.
You can't teII at aII you ever
breastfed a kid. Nice and perky.
So now what do we do?
You're in love,
you offered to raise my kid,
you made me gazpacho,
and you compIimented my tits.
What do we do now?
Get married?
No, you'd better not answer that.
Now it's your turn. So it's Iike
we're both InvoIved. So it's mutual.
You don't beIieve in
taking things sIowIy, do you?
lmagIne I'm going to die in two days
and I ask you to spend them with me,
both going aII out.
WouId you do it?
Of course l would.
Great. Let's do that then.
Diego, I'm going in the water.
Coming?
I can't get up right now.
I was fantasizing...
about death...
It was bound to happen
sooner or Iater.
Shit happens.
I'd rather you said you got a hard on
Iooking at my tits.
WeII, that too.
I may be romantic,
but I'm also very sexuaI.
Damn.
Looking that way Is no heIp.
Hookers?
Damn, you shouId have said so.
AII the mystery...
What's wrong, feelIng the itch?
TeII me about It.
But let me teII you something
about hookers.
I've got nothIng against them, but...
These pIaces make me feeI
uncomfortabIe.
But Iet me pick up the tab.
I want to.
Here, take 100 euros.
Get your knob poIished.
What?
Lord have mercy!
HoIy guacamoIe, she is gorgeous.
Check that out.
Even I'd pay money for that.
Fucking chicken!
You Iike her?
Here.
200 euros.
Get a Iube job and an oiI change.
-She's my daughter.
-What?
-She's my daughter.
-CIara's a hooker?
Watch your mouth.
It's a job.
-I totaIly respect that.
-Like any other.
She cIocks in Iike anybody eIse.
It shouId be covered
by sociaI securIty.
ExactIy. It's hard for me
to stomach, but...
Fucking chicken!
Do you do this every day?
-Not the thing with the chicken.
-I mean come here.
Incorrect.
She doesn't work on Sundays.
When she gets off work too?
Incorrect.
By then I'm usuaIIy unconscious.
This whoIe thing is pretty HoIIywood.
''ApocaIypse Now.''
Martin Sheen, MarIon Brando.
DIrected by CoppoIa in '72.
-Damn good movie.
-No, ''The Godfather'' was in '72.
''ApocaIypse Now'' was in '79.
Come in the water, it's great!
No, I'm prone to ear infections!
Yes?
Hello?
Hello?
l can't hear anything.
Who s this?
Get a grip...
Cousin! Cousin!
Musketeerios to the rescue!
Cousin!
Musketeerios to the rescue!
Cousin...!
Don't do thIs to me, you traItor!
Don't do thIs to me, you traItor!
We found the vdeo
you are about to see in the attic.
Whenever Danny gets scared at nght
he watches it
because he says it helps him
go to bed happier.
And now the Backstreet Cousns!
-Damn!
-Oh my God, how pathetic.
The Backstreet Cousins!
This song s dedicated to Martina.
l hope she's my grlfriend every summer
forthe rest of my lfe.
Is that reaIIy them, Mom?
-Yes, it is. It's reaIIy them.
-Turn it off.
No, Ieave It on.
-Which one is you?
-The one on the right.
That doesn't Iook Iike you.
It Iooks Iike someone eIse.
It is someone eIse.
Back then I had baIIs Iike Spartacus.
Yes?
HoId on a second, l can't hear you.
Yes, what is it?
No, l dIdn't caII you.
Who are you?
I must have diaIed the wrong number.
Okay, bye.
You can borrow it
for a IittIe whiIe, okay?
l feeI Iike I'm missing
a vitaI organ without it.
90 per minute. Is that a Iot?
No, kids are fine up to 220.
How many can I get If I run?
You'd better not.
It's a diaboIicaI machine.
-l'm going to try it.
-No runnIng...
This is the first thing
I shouId have done.
Take your hand, an evening stroII,
after spending the day together,
watching the Backstreet Cousins...
After caIIing your ex-girIfriend
in desperation.
What?
You called your ex-girIfrIend.
No.
With my cell phone.
At 14:35.
I did caII her.
I dId.
A momentary Iapse.
You caught me.
These things happen.
But I'm fIne now.
I'm great here.
How did you know I caIIed my ex?
Did you caII her?
No, she caIIed me
to see who had caIIed her.
What did you teII her?
That you're fine, that you're over her
and you've found your true Iove.
-She was very happy for us both.
-Great.
WeII, for the three of us.
I mentioned I had a son.
I toId her I caIIed the wrong number
and said I was sorry.
What?
I prelove you.
I can't say I Iove you because
it's too soon and you'II get spooked.
More than you already are, I mean.
So I preIove you.
I prelove you very much.
You're immature
way beyond your age.
-Hitting it off, are we?
-Yeah, right.
Yesterday one woman had me down,
today two.
I'm not cut out for Iove.
Motherfucker!
-You drunk asshoIe!
-Watch your mouth!
What did you say about my daughter?
Take it easy.
He fIies off the handIe.
We're on our way
to see your daughter!
You motherfucker!
-See? I said not to run.
-Let's get out of here.
Wait, wait.
The ship scares you?
Then we won't ride it.
It scares me too.
-l want to go home.
-Running won't heIp.
Nothing can happen to us
if we're just standing here.
We're fine.
The smeII of churros,
the sound of rifIes firing,
women shouting...
PeopIe with stuffed animaIs...
You want one?
I'II get you one,
I have great aim.
Everything is fine here.
No, no, no...
Keep drinking. You're in deniaI.
I know what you're thinking.
That everybody in town has had sex
with your daughter. But no.
WIth her looks, her cIients must be
first cIass. Not everyone can afford it.
So I shouId onIy punch out rich guys?
ExactIy.
Damn it, Bachi.
You were the greatest.
You are.
You're great, aren't you?
-Are you number one?
-Yeah.
What happened?
When did everything turn to shit?
I used to look at you...
with your video store,
a wife who Ioved you,
a beautifuI daughter,
an awesome fishing boat...
I even remember the first movie
I rented from you. ''ThesIs.''
I said, ''Forget it,
Spanish movies are Iame.''
And you sIapped me and saId,
''This guy Amenbar is a genius.
He's going to be great.''
He made his first movie
when he was 23.
When I was 23,
I opened the store, got married
-and had a baby.
-You were the Amenbar of ComiIlas.
You were my idoI.
I wanted to be just Iike you.
AII that is ''Gone with the Wind.''
CIark GabIe, Vivien Leigh.
Directed by Victor FIeming. 1939.
My Iife story.
You got a bite.
Look at him. He's mine.
Here we go.
Come to Daddy.
Jesus, the bastard is bigger
than my pecker.
Son of a bitch...
Fucking rod.
The reeI is stuck.
AIl the rings are tangIed.
I had him. He was huge.
I had him, dIdn't I?
That's when it happens.
That's when it all turns to shit.
You think you have It aII.
You feeI Iike a superhero.
But you're reaIly an idIot
and you're out of controI.
You come home one day and she's gone.
You think she'II put up with
anything you do.
That her Iife revoIves around you and...
''Gone with the Wind.''
Don't worry about it.
You can't get aII upset
-over a fish.
-No.
It's no big deaI.
You want that fish?
-Do you reaIly want it...?
-No.
-You want that fish?
-I don't want it.
If you reaIIy want it,
I'II get it for you.
Damn straight.
Bachi, no!
The Atlantic Ocean is freezing!
I'm your fish, Sardine.
Catch me!
Bastard!
Last year we were on the prate ride
and suddenly he started sayng,
''Mom, l can't breathe.''
He wanted to get off
but it was too dangerous.
He cried and screamed
that he was dying.
l got them to stop the rde,
we rushed to the clinic...
He vomited before he got there,
that calmed hm down a bit.
Was it his first tIme on the ride?
He'd been on it eight times
the day before.
-And did something different happen?
-I guess.
The other tImes it wasn't with me.
He rode with somebody eIse.
Somebody eIse?
Some guy off the street?
Somebody I invited to spend
the weekend with us.
You mean somebody eIse,
somebody eIse?
Somebody eIse, somebody eIse.
And Danny didn't get aIong
with that somebody eIse?
No, Danny got aIong great wIth him.
Maybe too weIl.
Because after he Ieft
he asked me,
''Mom, is he my dad?''
And I said,
''No, son. He's not your dad.''
It was the fIrst time
he ever asked me about him.
Where is that somebody eIse now?
I imagine with somebody eIse.
So Danny had an anxiety attack because
somebody eIse wasn't coming back
and he'd have to take care
of his bitter, soIitary
and not mincing words beautifuI mother
for the rest of her Iife.
Yeah, it sounds Iike ''Psycho.''
Hey, one thIng.
Has Danny asked you
if I'm his dad?
No, he asked me if Miguel was.
That's IogicaI.
Here, it gets chiIIy at night.
Good night.
Good night.
I'm never coId at night.
Shut up.
Hi.
Remember me?
Sure. Best sex I ever had.
Huge boner.
No, damn it.
I used to come every summer.
But it's been years.
You were madIy in Iove with me.
You wanted to be my girIfriend.
You foIIowed me everywhere I went.
You were a paIn in the ass.
But I was 9 years oIder than you.
To me you were just a kid.
JuIian, JuIianuco.
Your father used to caII me
Sardine.
That's right, Sardine!
Wow, Iong time no see!
Damn, you Iook pretty ugIy
with that moustache.
What brings you here?
Well, l was in town for a few days.
I was having coffee wIth your dad
earIier and I asked about you.
So you work here.
-What do you want?
-What do you think?
Right.
It's too bad,
I don't do guys I know.
l'm in sales.
I seII heavy machinery.
I started as the youngest saIesman
and in a few months
I was number one in saIes.
-The fucking master.
-ReaIIy?
I'm bragging because it's true,
the numbers are there.
I convince farmers screwed by EU
restrictions to change tractors.
Wow.
Even a tractor and a harvestor
without breaking a sweat.
Stop, you're getting me aII wet.
Yeah?
You want to go upstairs?
Your teenage dream wiII come true
and you'll even make a buck.
You wIsh...
Very good, Clara.
Your dad wiII be glad to hear it,
he thinks you're a hooker.
Look, Sardine.
Nobody taIks about my father.
I'd rather taIk about you.
Wouldn't you rather just fuck?
I'm not a IittIe pest anymore.
Does fucking cost the same as taIking?
TaIking costs more. A Iot more.
Danny?
lt's me.
Sorry to wake you up.
Is something wrong?
This used to be my parents' bedroom.
When I was IittIe l'd come in here
whenever I got scared.
My father aIways toId me
to think of Tarzan.
Are you scared?
Let's just say I see ghosts at night.
Then think of Tarzan.
l aIready did.
The thing is, Tarzan without Jane...
I say, ''Diego, focus. Tarzan.''
But no. Jane.
AIways Jane.
Can we spoon for a IittIe whIIe?
Spoon?
You know, I Iie behind you
with my arms around you.
I know what it means. But you said
you onIy wanted to sleep next to me.
Yeah, but l can't faII asIeep
unIess I'm hoIding someone.
l want to sIeep wIth you in my arms.
Okay, fine. HoId me.
Sorry.
-Just hoId me.
-Sorry about that.
Your hair smeIIs so good.
It smeIIs Iike the mountains.
Like the sea,
Iike tomatoes.
I couId get high just smeIlIng you.
Very romantic, Diego.
Do you have a hard on again?
No... WeII, sort of.
Totally. With YoIanda... l onIy mention
her to catch you up to date...
We decided not to have sex
the week before the wedding.
So aII that time without...
Throw in a IittIe spooning,
the way you smeII and there you go.
At least I have something to do
with your erection.
Let's fuck.
Sorry, It sIipped out.
Okay, yeah. Let's fuck.
We both want to...
You want to?
Of course l do.
We're acting Iike teenagers.
It makes no sense...
Do you lIke to be on top
or underneath?
You're spoiIing the mood.
Sorry, I just want you to enjoy
our second tIme.
It couIdn't be any worse
than the first.
You dIdn't Iike the fIrst time?
I sure did.
I thInk I Iasted Iong enough...
I remember it fondIy...
Stop!
You want me to decide?
Fine. I get to be on top.
Can we go twice in a row?
The first wIll be brief.
lf you think you're ready to go
you're dreaming.
I'm not doing anything
untiI you wash yourself down there.
You're not very good at thIs, CIara.
You're not a hooker.
I have pIenty of experience
in the sector.
You don't work here as a prostitute.
You're probabIy serving drinks,
taIking to customers to get them horny.
You just want your dad to think you're
a prostitute to make him suffer.
Look, Sardine.
I'm in a room with a guy
sitting on a bidet who's paying me.
What does that sound Iike?
Any preference?
You Iook Iike a soccer wife.
I meet a Iot of pIayers
because of my job.
I'm buddies with GutI.
CIients think it's cooI
I know a Iot of ReaI Madrid pIayers.
You are such a turn on!
Let's fuck.
Don't get me wrong.
Look, I have a probIem
I thInk I'd better share with you.
Small weenie?
No, normaI Iength.
Seven and a haIf inches.
It doesn't work right...
It works perfectIy, thank you.
But as you're probabIy aware,
most men after they have sex
feeI immediateIy detached
from the woman.
They want to disappear.
In my case, it's exactIy the opposite.
I feeI a speciaI connection.
You're sweet
under that tough guy exterior...
CarefuI... I can't.
I see your dad's face.
Right there, on the waII.
Goddamn it...
WiII you see him
if I show you my boobs?
CIarIta...
We're Iike famiIy. I was at your
communion. We're Iike cousins.
Distant, very distant...
I bet you don't see my dad now,
do you?
No.
WiII you teII him about this
after we're done?
I can keep a secret.
That spoiIs the fun.
If you need to,
you can Iook at me and jerk off
if you want.
No.
Got Guti's phone number handy?
Yeah, but it's confidentiaI.
Look, he's jeaIous!
It wasn't that bad, was it?
Sorry. I thought you were asIeep.
It was great.
I gave an incredibIe performance.
So did you, by the way.
But I don't know what came over me.
lt wasn't the sex,
it was because...
It was bound to happen
sooner or Iater.
It's a matter of IogIc.
l'm sorry.
Don't be.
I'm gIad I heIped you through it.
Think of Tarzan...
and Cheetah the monkey.
Cheetah the monkey.
Okay.
That helps.
WiII you be my girIfriend?
I thought you onIy faIl in love
after having sex.
You need to get your story straIght.
I have 13 minutes Ieft.
You and me.
Give me 13 minutes to prove to you
I can make you happy.
You want me to be your girIfriend
for 13 minutes?
I've had shorter reIationships.
And that wedding ring?
I'm very jeaIous, I'm warning you...
This is just so cIients
wiII thInk I'm married.
It seaIs the deaI.
It's been proven.
Guti and the wedding ring.
The perfect combo.
-13 minutes?
-13 minutes.
DarIing, I'm so gIad you're home.
I missed you so much...
Did you? Don't worry, I'm here.
How was your day, my Iove?
NormaI, just here aII day,
sucking dicks. How about you?
Great. I soId four steamroIIers
for the new highway
they're buiIding
from my heart to yours.
Four steamrollers.
How romantIc!
Not Iike that.
Treat me more macho.
Sorry.
Four steamrollers.
What a stud...
We've aIready wasted a minute.
This reIationship
is consummated by the minute.
I was thinking maybe we couId
ceIebrate our one-minute anniversary.
Sure.
With a bIowjob, right?
I don't know.
If you're up for it...
You said you wanted Iove...
A bIowjob can be done
with a Iot of Iove.
That's true,
you're absoIuteIy right.
Besides, you need to reIax.
You're meetIng with
the oiI industry tomorrow.
My boss is driving me nuts.
You bItch!
Damn.
Like I said, Sardine.
Like I said.
ThIs Is unbeIievabIe.
Yesterday we were a mess,
and now Iook at us.
ReIaxed, enjoying ourseIves.
Drunk at ten In the morning,
but relaxed.
What do you mean?
I got up at 7 A.M. and went hiking.
How was Iast night?
-Did you get anywhere?
-We're making progress.
What's wrong?
She won't bone you?
Don't be gross.
Don't taIk Iike that.
Okay, Iet's change the subject.
DId you get some?
l'm happy, smiIing on the insIde.
I have my moments, but...
What are you whispering?
No secrets...
My sources telI me...
Last night you dipped your donut.
-What are you taIking about?
-Yes, sir.
You know what a Iight sIeeper I am.
l'm happy for you.
Were you up to the task?
Did you give her muItipIe orgasms?
I make Iove at night and give women
flowers in the morning. I'm discreet.
Sorry.
I wouIdn't say discreet...
-WouId you keep your mouth shut?
-Listen.
I'm so sick of this song...
Toa, Toa, Toa...
Toa, Toa, Toa...
Sweetheart!
My Iove! How couId you Ieave
without me?
They drugged me!
They drugged me and kidnapped me!
What have you done to my baby?
Where the heII dId she come from?
l'm okay, sweetie.
I'm okay.
You want some plumcake?
No, you're my pIumcake.
Yodi...
No.
Why do you bring me to the beach?
l don't Iike it.
-You need fresh air.
-I'II get a meIanoma.
-l covered you in sun bIock.
-l don't trust it.
Why aren't you topIess?
I don't feeI lIke it.
So Diego's girIfriend won't see you?
How siIIy!
I like redheads.
-Whose side are you on?
-Yours.
That's what I thought...
Here, give me a kiss.
It's just the two of us again.
lt Iooks Iike it.
-Good.
-Great.
-Go for a swim?
-No.
Okay.
How dId you know I was here?
MartIna caIIed me.
When did Martina caII you?
Late Iast night.
Before or after?
Before or after what?
I don't know.
Before or after 3 A.M., for exampIe?
After.
To tell you how great I am
and how crazy you are for dumping me?
I aIready knew that.
That's not fair, don't say that.
Why are you here?
Do you regret what you did?
Seeing another woman
made you jeaIous?
By another woman,
I don't mean another woman...
I don't know.
Something made you drive 6 hours.
You even brought the dog.
You know it makes me cry.
-I missed my period.
-What?
It couId be the stress, or I'm sad...
I shouId have had It 5 days ago.
Did you take a pregnancy test?
I wanted to take it with you.
Then what do we do?
Get married again and start over?
That wouId be great, but...
What if you're not?
''Sorry, faIse aIarm. So Iong.''
-Don't say that.
-You're driving me nuts.
I wanted to be with you.
I didn't want to keep it from you.
I didn't mean to bother you,
-but I'II Ieave if you want me to.
-You don't bother me.
That's the thing.
Can I have a hug?
No, you hug me.
You're the one who dumped me.
MigueI, what's wrong, baby?
It's okay, my Iove.
It's okay.
Cousin!
Did you take your benzo?
No, they took my piIIs away.
What do you mean?
Have you got shit for brains?
Taking away his medication?
You'II give him backIash!
-The backIash is kicking in...
-Toa, he's fine.
Are you a nurse, by any chance?
Here, sweetheart.
More water!
In my Iine of work,
to be number one,
you have to give the cIient
something extra.
How otherwise?
Buy them dinner and drinks
at the VIP Iounge at the Pacha...
And hookers. That's essentiaI.
Look.
Her name was HeIena, with an H.
What a gIrI.
Russian, 22 years oId, bIonde,
beautifuI, super taII...
-Good in bed?
-Damn straight.
We went upstaIrs, she went down on me
in the bathroom and I was hooked.
-She sucked you off?
-Did she ever.
I knew she was onIy after a green card.
Like aII of them.
But l thought she wanted
something more.
That she was into me.
But two months Iater,
she took off.
-HeIena with an H.
-HeIena.
Know what the probIem is?
-HeIena with an H.
-No, she's not.
I'm the probIem.
As soon as l have sex...
I stick It in and I faII in love.
Hookers, even more.
Because it's the onIy thing
that feeIs Iike the reaI deaI.
Like Richard Gere.
In ''Pretty Woman.''
Richard Gere, JuIia Roberts.
DIrected by Garry MarshaII in 1990.
ExactIy.
Hey, the year CIara was born.
You shouIdn't have Iet me
rent that movie.
You saw my daughter.
What?
You saw my daughter.
I'm teIIing you
about Helena with an H.
-When?
-I didn't see her.
-When?
-I didn't see her.
-When?
-I didn't see her!
-When?
-Last nIght.
But I did it for you.
I'm worried about you.
l want you two to patch things up.
You fucked her.
No, l dIdn't.
You fucked her.
No, l dIdn't.
Now Iisten to me.
-You fucked her.
-No. And she's not a hooker.
She's onIy a waitress.
-You fucked her.
-No, l dIdn't!
-Yes, you did!
-No, I didn't!
Okay, I tried.
But she wouIdn't Iet me.
I tried to fuck her, for your sake.
You shouId thank me.
Do whatever you want.
What about it?
I thought you were Iike a son.
Don't take it so hard.
Bachi, no... Bachi!
Not the water!
Don't jump in the water again!
I'd rather you slugged me!
I won't jump in after you!
Go ahead and drown!
-Why dId you call her?
-To heIp you get her back.
l don't want her back.
I want to be with you.
-You were getting married.
-Yeah, but that was before.
That was yesterday!
What?
There's somebody eIse.
-What do you mean?
-She met somebody eIse.
-Somebody eIse?
-Yeah, somebody eIse.
She spent two months in India
with Dentists Without Borders.
She's a very sociaIIy-conscious
oraI surgeon.
And somewhere among aII those cavities
she met somebody eIse.
-An oraI surgeon.
-An oraI surgeon.
She says nothing happened,
but It scared her.
That when she's In Iove,
aII other men are invIsibIe.
But this jerk showed up
and she started having doubts.
-Why didn't you teII me this before?
-Because it's humiIiating.
No Iess than buyIng a pregnancy test
to find out who the father is...
You saId nothing happened.
And you belIeve her?
She fucked him in India.
I don't care.
I swear I don't care if she did.
But you fuck him and move on.
Don't teII me about it.
You were engaged, damn it.
That oral surgeon can't give you
what I can. Fucking coward.
-Just Iike you.
-Me?
You caIIed her
because you were scared.
-Scared of what?
-Of things working out between us.
Maybe you're the one scared
of things working out.
You've done nothing but screw things up
since you got here.
You were probabIy doing the same thing
with your girIfriend. Or ex-girIfriend.
You got scared. Just Iike with that
''somebody eIse.'' I can teII.
You're IeavIng.
You'II Ieave wIth her by sundown.
Something between you Is unfinished.
-Did you teII her we had sex?
-No, I didn't.
I have better taste than that.
You'II end up teIIing her anyway.
-No, I won't.
-Yes, you wiII.
Because you want revenge,
but you aIso want her back.
And teIIing her you sIept wIth me
wiII heIp you get both.
The pharmacy.
Cousin?
What's the problem?
Why are you soaking wet?
Cousin, are you okay?
-Sweetie, your piII.
-I'd better check on my cousin.
Fuck him.
Eat it.
I'm a IittIe embarrassed.
Honey, I'd better take it now...
Stud!
Very good.
-Give me a kiss.
-Sorry.
GIve me a kiss.
Damn, what now? lt's my day off.
Why are you soaking wet?
Your dad jumped in the sea
and drowned.
I trIed to save him...
He swaIIowed too much water
and his heart stopped.
They managed to revive him,
but he's in bad shape.
-Take me to hIm.
-See? Look how upset you are.
You do care about him.
That's why you didn't move away.
You son of a bitch!
Okay, okay...
Give me a second.
CaIm down, damn it!
NothIng happened.
But someday it wiII.
And you're both acting Iike idiots.
-I went too far, I'm sorry.
-What?
I went too far. I do stupid things
sometimes. I'm not perfect.
Sardine, just go.
I taIked to your dad.
He's In bad shape.
Come with us to the wharf Iater
for the cucaa.
Remember when we were kIds?
You used to Iaugh when I'd faII.
l'II pass.
You're a coupIe of drunks.
And just so you know,
I wouIdn't have fucked you
for a millIon euros.
Of course not.
Because you only have sex
when you're in Iove, Iike me.
Get Iost, you jerk!
You'II be there,
you know you wiII.
Because you dig the cucaa.
And you dig me too.
I'm your RIchard Gere.
Goddamn Iunatic!
''Symptoms that do not match
cIassic disease symptoms
or are inconsIstent.''
Interesting.
''MuItipIe prIor hospital stays.''
LIttIe creep.
Trying to scare me, huh?
Look. Steady as a rock.
''The parent is excessiveIy attentIve
and serviIe
in a hospitaI setting
and frequentIy works in a fieId reIated
to medicine, Iike nursing.''
It's caIIed Munchausen's Syndrome,
by proxy.
''By proxy.'' What a snob.
''A psychiatric disorder
in whIch the aduIt provokes
or simuIates symptoms in a chiId
in their care,
frequentIy their own chIldren.
The mother intentionaIIy
makes the chiId sick so the chiId
wiIl need her.''
Damn.
PeopIe are screwed up.
The fIrst time I read it,
I didn't Iet my mom near me for a week.
And I wouIdn't eat anything
unIess I saw it prepared,
just in case.
You're reaIIy something.
Bad choice of disease.
You're right,
it's more for young women...
Sweetie!
Come on, I set up mattresses in the
garden for our breathing exercises!
I'm breathing just fIne, Iook.
Sweetie, come on.
Coming.
I'd better go.
We'II keep pIaying Iater.
I'm winning 1-0.
Champions...
-How Iong does it say to wait?
-Three minutes.
Pretty fast, huh?
Find out if your Iife wiII change
in 3 minutes.
These things shouId take
at least 3 days
so you can get your head around it.
Can you make the sound for me?
-Did you sIeep with her?
-What?
-Diego...
-No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Yes.
I did sIeep with her. But you have
no right to be mad or jeaIous.
Don't cry, you know seeing you cry
makes me cry as weII.
-Are you in Iove with her?
-No.
There wasn't time.
It's impossibIe.
But you onIy sleep with someone
if you're in Iove.
That's true, but what can I do?
You dumped me, I'm down and out...
Every morning I wake up
and I want to get back together.
What?
I'm a bitch. I have no right.
I'm driving you crazy. I'm sorry.
I've aIways Iiked
you driving me crazy.
Then what shouId we do?
Hope you're pregnant.
And make that our biggest priority.
Nothing.
Negative.
Stress has aIways
affected your hormones.
I had my hopes up.
What about the oral surgeon?
The oraI surgeon is the oraI surgeon.
Just an escape.
And now that you've escaped?
He's gone. For good.
What about Martina?
Is she just an escape
or something more?
What if I said Iet's forget everything
and pIck up where we left off?
I know you won't forget
the paIn l caused you.
No, I won't.
Not the water! Not the water!
A dog! A dog!
You're in rare form here.
I thought you were missing me.
You Iooked so Ioose out there,
with your cousins...
Diving in without earpIugs...
I don't know.
You stiII haven't expIained
why you didn't caII me.
I don't get it.
I don't know what came over you.
-My cousins wouIdn't Iet me.
-Your cousins?
Those are cousins?
Those aren't cousins.
Just because they're famiIy doesn't mean
they want what's best for you.
Don't be angry.
I'm angry because you're not angry.
You're the one who shouId be angry.
Getting angry wIII make me sick.
Sure, you'II get sIck.
You're right, I'm sorry.
Sorry isn't good enough.
How wiII you ever
stand up for anything
if you can't stand up for me
to your cousins?
Jeepers, MigueI.
They're reaIIy hurting us.
No more hurting.
SweetIe...
Your puIse is racing.
Did you have a bad thought?
My baby had a bad thought!
What was it?
It must be broken.
Honey, it's off the charts...
I'II give you somethIng...
That's what you get
for doIng the cucaa.
Acting aII brave
in front of your cousins...
You never Iisten to me.
It stopped.
You broke it.
Sweetie, you broke it.
That's vIoIence!
Listen, Clarita.
Just reIax. From now on,
I'm gonna take care of your dad.
I'II see to It
he's weII-Iooked after.
You're gonna buy him a wInery?
Are you trying to make this
harder on me?
Go right ahead.
I'm so pumped up today I couId seII
a fIeet of freight eIevators.
Getting your cIients Iaid.
Everybody gains.
That reminds me, I'm Iate.
I have to be going.
It's your day off.
At least I take a day off.
You're drunk 24-7.
We agreed on a cease fire.
Put that away, you're not even
the one who reached it.
You see how aIike you are?
Two hydrauIic sIedgehammers.
You both Iove smashing things.
I'II continue, if you don't mind.
I've given this situation
a Iot of thought.
So far, I've managed to get you two
face to face for a cup of coffee...
straight...
And I think I have the answer
to your probIem.
lt's me.
l'm wiIIing to be the Iink
between you.
I'm wiIIing to make that sacrifice.
Like a middIe to Iong term
intermediary.
A middIe to long term Intermediary?
What's that supposed to mean?
Are you proposIng?
First he'II have to dIvorce
Helena with an H.
HeIena with an H?
Great, Sardine. Great.
You Iied to me.
He said the ring was a prop.
I'm glad nothing happened
because I wouId have feIt awfuI.
Nothing happened?
No, It was more Iike
''An OffIcer and a GentIeman.''
Richard Gere, Debra Winger.
Directed by TayIor Hackford. 1982.
I think ''Rain Man''
had more of an effect on him.
Tom Cruise, DustIn Hoffman,
directed by Barry Levinson in...
-'88.
-'87.
-'88.
-I remember perfectIy.
That's enough!
If you two want to gang up on me,
that's fine with me.
It's cIearIy a step forward.
But you know what?
I can seII anything.
Anything.
I want you two to reconciIe
and I snap my fingers.
It's a matter of time
and strategy.
But who buys me?
Can you teII me that?
l have a great job.
Good saIary, bonuses,
pats on the back, company car,
VIP box seats
at the game, it's aII great.
But I get home at night
and I sit on the couch
with the TV off
in my pyjamas Iike an idiot...
and I see my refIection and think,
''What's the point?''
What's the point?
So you can go back
to your IittIe probIems now.
Sorry, you're right.
It was in '87.
No, it was in '88.
I was onIy trying to piss you off.
But if you say '87, it's '87.
No, a fact is a fact.
It was '88, period.
That's what I said, '88.
Correct.
You know what you did wrong?
You set the bar too high, Dad.
And I've been searching for
the same thing ever sInce.
And I think l've even fabricated it.
I forced myseIf to feeI
the way you did.
And it's a IIe.
lt's a Iie.
I don't know if I've ever
reaIIy Ioved a woman.
I ask myself that question
and I have no idea.
I'm so IoneIy, Dad.
I don't IIke being aIone.
I don't know why,
but I can't stand it.
There, I said It.
I just want to Iove somebody,
I don't care who it is.
I'II take either one of them.
And that isn't right.
I'm supposed to Iike one
more than the other.
When one strokes me, I'm happy.
When the other one strokes me,
I'm just as happy.
I'm a fraud. It's aII a Iie.
What a putz.
Look what a mess I made.
You were abIe to Iove a woman,
from start to finish.
With aII your heart.
How the heII do you do that?
I thought I couId
and I haven't got a cIue anymore.
Son,
ask your cousin JuIian, he knows.
Hi, cousin.
What a dope.
How Iong have you been there?
I don't know, but when you said
you were loneIy he got aII wishy-washy.
-You reaIIy got to him.
-Look.
What is it?
I can't see it from here.
A bug.
It's a piII bug. It curIs up into a baII
when you touch it.
That's what piII bugs do.
Toa is my finger...
and I'm the piII bug.
Toa touches me,
I curI up into a baII.
Are you guys coming out of the cIoset
tonight or what?
What shouId we do?
We need to do something different.
I'm in a Ioop.
Let's get sIoshed.
He said something different.
You kiIIed me.
You're the one kiIIing me.
That's euthanasia.
Things were so easy before.
You'd go onstage, sing a song
for the girI you Iiked
and you were happy aII summer Iong.
And girIs used to chase after us
Iike we were the Pet Shop Boys.
No, the Backstreet CousIns.
You said it.
You wouIdn't.
-If I take a coupIe downers...
-A coupIe more.
-A coupIe of whiskies...
-A coupIe more.
Remember the...?
Some neurons
not even aIcohoI can kiII.
Or anti-depressants erase.
I dedicate thIs song to Bachi,
the Amenbar of ComiIIas
and the prettIest girI in aII Santander.
For you,
beautifuI.
This is dedicated to someone
very speciaI.
Danny.
And Toa.
I Iove you.
I want to dedicate this song to...
to...
to...
to...
...to the Iove of my Iife.
Let's go, ComiIIas!
Let's go, ComiIIas!
That's enough.
Thank you very much.
Hey, have you seen Sardine?
I wanted to congratuIate him
and he's gone.
He's probabIy signing autographs.
What a threesome.
-How are you?
-Fine, and you?
Great.
-You Iook awesome.
-Very correct. And you?
Correct.
We're aII correct.
l see you everyday.
You don't reaIize,
but I see you outside the cIub.
Know what the worst part is?
lt makes me feeI safer.
WeII, if you need me there,
I'II be there for sure.
It's my job.
I do it too.
Every night
I waIk by your boat on my way home
to see if you're okay.
To make sure you haven't
cracked your head open.
To make sure you're there,
sleeping it off.
You don't know how ashamed I am
to hear that.
Dad, I need you to quit drinking.
If you want us to start over,
you have to quit drinkIng.
I'II aIways take care of you.
I'II never Iet anything happen to you.
Drunk or sober.
You're my princess.
Drunk or sober isn't good enough.
It's no picnic for me either,
seeing you go in that pIace
every day.
Let's meet tomorrow for coffee
and you can check
-the job offers.
-First quIt drinking.
Then we'II see.
Dad, it was empty.
I didn't reaIize.
-Have we got a deaI?
-I make the ruIes here.
Correct.
Correct.
Am I interrupting?
No.
I'm Ieaving.
Let me know if you need anything.
SardIne's Ieaving.
Oh, weII.
What can we do?
-So Iong.
-It was bound to happen sooner or Iater.
-See you in ten years.
-Or twenty.
There's no hurry.
What have I done to deserve thIs?
Carmen Maura and Chus Lampreave.
Directed by Pedro AImodvar
in 1984.
Sardine, come here, damn it.
Where are you going, John Wayne?
You're gonna faII off your horse.
I'm scared.
Me too.
But we'II overcome it together.
You know how I Iost my eye?
A bomb went off in a schooI
and it caught fire.
I saved 21 chiIdren.
I carrIed them out
-one by one.
-I don't beIieve you.
Listen, Danny.
I have a special nose for kids.
If l see one in danger,
I swItch off.
We're getting on that rIde
and nothIng wiII happen.
We'II buy up aII the tIckets
so nobody wiII bother us.
When we get off that ride,
we'll have huge baIIs
Iike Spartacus.
-From riding the pirate ship?
-That's right.
You're with cousin Jose MigueI.
-What are you doing?
-Waiting.
What are we waiting for?
The finaI battIe.
Who against? Them?
No, against ourseIves.
It's gonna be a cIose one.
He was lying wounded
on the highway.
He'd been run over by a car.
Diego and I both tried to heIp him.
We didn't know each other.
We took him to the emergency vet.
Right when he touched me,
I feIt Iike I was home.
I knew just by the smeII of his sweater
that he wouId change
my Iife.
We adopted the dog,
moved in together two weeks Iater
and after one month he wanted
to get married. WeII, so did I.
We each got a ring tattooed.
Very pretty.
When I Ieft for India,
saying goodbye at the airport,
l couIdn't imagine being apart
for a minute.
I was dying.
And what happened in India?
I reaIized I was fine without Diego,
that we missed each other
in different ways.
I can't give him what he deserves,
I won't be good enough.
You don't have to be good enough
or Iove him and miss him
the same way.
It's great you can Iive without him,
that you're not dependent on him,
and there's nothing wrong
with noticIng other men.
It's scary,
because It makes you question
a Iot of things.
But it's okay if you stiIl feeI Iike
he's your souI mate
whenever you smeII his sweater.
I Iike you.
I Iike you too.
What a bummer.
l was hoping I'd hate you.
Danny, open your eyes.
Just a Iittle bit.
Otherwise you'II get dizzy.
Great, you see?
We're fine...
lt's just the two of us...
SIowIy...
SIowly, please, slowly.
Look, there's your mom.
Wave heIIo.
I don't want to Iet go.
You do it.
I don't want to Iet go either.
Honey, what are you doing up there?
You'II get dizzy.
No, sweetie, l'm okay!
Stop the ride. He's very iII.
We're fine!
I'm not iII, okay?
Don't worry!
I'm gonna Iet go.
I'm gonna Iet go.
I'm gonna Iet go.
Danny, Iet go.
It's cooI, you'II see.
Don't be acting aII brave now!
Let's go, on three!
One...
Two...
Three!
Very good, Danny.
Look, Mom, no hands!
BaIIs Iike Spartacus!
Hey, cousIns!
Cousins!
Thanks for bringing me here!
l Iove you guys!
The Three Musketeerios!
The fireworks, baby!
-Cover your ears!
-I don't want to!
You know you have to dump her, right?
Yeah, l know.
Toa!
It's over!
You've turned me into a chIckenshit!
You've screwed up my Iife!
I'm not a piII bug!
What are you taIking about?
I'm not a IittIe boy!
I'm not your IittIe baby!
I'm a man!
-A man!
-Are you stupid or what?
It's over!
I'm Ieaving you!
What the heII
are you taIking about?
-I didn't mean right now!
-Sorry.
The moment got the best of me.
Stop the rIde!
Don't stop it!
Don't stop it!
We want to stay up here forever!
That bump isn't good!
That bump isn't good!
Higher, make it go higher!
HIgher, higher!
Toa's having an anxiety attack.
We gave her my cousIn's piIIs,
but she isn't reacting.
She reaIIy freaked out.
YoIanda wants to take her
back to Madrid.
And you're Ieaving too.
I don't want her driving aIone
at night.
Of course.
Now is where you say,
''l toId you you'd Ieave with her
before sundown.''
I won't...
Everything I said I feIt
these Iast few days,
I reaIIy feIt.
l know.
I don't doubt that.
What about you?
Did you not feeI everythIng
you said you didn't feel?
Let me see one thing.
You need to Iearn
to be on your own.
Stop thrusting aII your needs
and dependencIes
on the first girI who comes aIong.
YoIanda isn't the first girl
who came aIong.
l'm not taIking about YoIanda.
Martina...
DIego, it's okay.
Don't try to justify yourseIf.
Don't feeI bad.
Why do I feel Iike
I didn't make a decision?
Because you dIdn't.
Or because you had aIready
made up your mind.
I'm a dIsaster.
lt's part of your charm.
SUMMER 2010
I didn't feeI any of the things
I said I didn't feeI.
You didn't give me time to.
I prelove you.
Very much.
With your mouth.
Bitch.
-Can I see your eye?
-No, no.
Is it hollow?
I have a gIass eye,
but it doesn't work.
The patch is fake. He started wearIng it
after ''PIrates of the Caribbean.''
Right, BachI?
Give me that.
Correct?
Correct.
-WIlI you be checking every day?
-You got a probIem?
Incorrect.
No, Danny...
Danny, that's enough.
l'm going to eat this sIice
of pIumcake.
Is it the fIrst one I notIced?
Yes.
But I considered others first,
and it's cIearIy the one I IIke best.
That's why I'm going to eat it.
Because I'm hungry.
Hungry for many things.
But I'm going to eat It sIowIy.
What matters is the decision
is mine and mine aIone.
The first decision I've made
in severaI days.
The first, but not the last.
Breakfast isn't as easy as you think.
Are you comparing me to a pIumcake?
It's the first thing I grabbed.
Cousin, not my eye!
It's okay.
Don't, it freaks me out.
I don't want to show my eye.
It freaks me out!
Let's pIay ping pong
wIth your eye!
Not ping pong!
It's okay, caIm down.
No, I don't want to pIay.
Danny wiII take care of It.
He's a responsibIe kid.
-How old are you?
-Nine. And don't caII me kid.
So you were conceived
ten years ago.
An interesting fact.
Did you hear that,
cousin Diego?
No, pIease!
I'm freaking out,
I'm freaking out.
Take me to the hospitaI...
Not that eye,
that's my good one!