Prince Andrew: The Musical (2022) Movie Script
1
This programme contains
strong language
Ladies and gentlemen, please take
your seats for tonight's
performance.
ORCHESTRA WARMING UP
GULPS
NARRATOR ANDREW: Good evening.
My name is Prince Andrew.
Some very serious accusations
have been made against me
in the press recently,
accusations I intend to put
to bed for good.
Good evening, Emily.
Good evening, Your Royal Highness.
Excuse me.
And, action.
Your Royal Highness,
we've come to Buckingham Palace
in highly unusual circumstances.
NARRATOR ANDREW: Quite right, Emily
is using my royal title there,
something which can never,
ever, ever be taken away from me.
Do you regret the whole friendship
with Epstein?
Um, now, still not,
and the reason being is that,
that the, the people that I met,
and the opportunities that
I was given to learn,
either by him or because of him,
were actually very useful.
NARRATOR ANDREW: 'Excellent point.
'I mean, how am I,
a humble Queen's son,
'meant to get opportunities without
being friends with a paedophile?
'Come on, Emily, use that pretty
head of yours.'
I didn't sweat
at the time, because I,
had suffered what I
would describe as
an overdose of adrenaline in the
Falklands War, when I was shot at.
NARRATOR ANDREW: 'I'm slightly
flummoxing Emily with science here.
'Everyone knows the simple equation
- war plus guns equals no sweat for
'a bit.
It's just how the body works.'
There's a photo inside
Ghislaine Maxwell's house.
The photograph is taken upstairs,
and I don't think I ever
went upstairs.
'Bullet proof defence. Next?'
Your Royal Highness, thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
And cut.
Excellent... Excellent.
Excellent?
And, thank you again for coming in.
Sorry. How do YOU think that went?
Well...
# I nailed it
# I did everything right
# I've saved my reputation
# And my future is bright
# You see my accusers
# Are nothing but losers
# And nobody can say that
I failed it
# Cos I nailed it
# Although
# I can't believe I said that
# The thing about the sweat
# Though you'd rather have
a prince who's dry
# Than one who's soaking wet
# Plus my service in the Falklands
# Will no doubt be to my credit
# And a silly thing like that will
just be cut out in the edit... #
The sweat thing is definitely
making the cut, right?
# But I can't believe I said that
# The birthday meal in Woking
# It's the greatest food I ever ate
# But will they think I'm joking?
# No, they'll see a people's prince
who likes a pizza Fiorentina
# Rather than a chap whose chum
would try soliciting a minor
# So don't panic, don't worry
# I've got this, I'm free
# Everyone's about to learn
the victim's really me
# Cos I nailed it
# Not a word out of place
# The Duke's a legal genius
# And he's resting his case
# A new hero has risen
# Who won't go to prison
# The sea was choppy
# But I'm glad that I sailed it
# Cos I nailed it... #
Although.
# I can't believe he said that
# He claims he's not a sinner
# "But my paedo friend was
out of jail
# "So why not go for dinner?"
# It's doubtful that he's sorry
# I'm not even sure he cares
# But we're assured this royal
Dalek simply cannot go upstairs... #
Pretty hot, actually.
I'd say maybe an eight.
# And I can't believe he said that
# The ah-ing and the um-ing
# Till he brought himself to say
# A child abuser's unbecoming
# His accusers are a joke
and yet I'm stifling my laughter
# Cos with TV gold like this
I know I'm guaranteed a Bafta
# Don't panic, don't worry
# Start spreading the news
# The interview is dynamite
# And Maitlis has the fuse
# Yes, I nailed it
# I gave him plenty of rope
# The honourable prince
# Is an unlovable dope
# They'll cut off his free cash
# After this car crash
#Andrew had a train and I just
derailed it
# Cos I nailed it
# Although
# Could I have done
things differently
# And steered a better course?
# Should a father of two daughters
# Show a little more remorse?
# Was I a little gentle?
# Did his title make me kinder?
# No, Maitlis is a pro
# And she has played
a fucking blinder
BOTH: # So I can't believe we did
it, the story of the season
# Unforgettable, unmissable
# With just a whiff of treason
# The establishment has never had
a scandal this obscene
# The humiliating photograph
# Could this now be my epitaph?
# The invites that you sent to him
# Perhaps I have been rather dim
BOTH: # I wouldn't want to be the
one who has to tell the Queen
# The Queen.
# She nailed me
# I nailed him
BOTH: # Now the truth will be known
# Sex descriptions from the night
# The lying to the throne
# Right here in the palace
# Did I mention phallus-es?
# I shouldn't have done the
interview
# I should have curtailed it
# My excitement's uncontrollable
# I hope that I veiled it
BOTH: # There's a P45
for Andrew in the post
# And we nailed it
# I just can't believe
that you said yes
# I nailed it. #
And, this mantelpiece has actually
been here since the early 1800s.
Mm, fascinating.
Very, very old. And, um...
'OK, so perhaps that interview
didn't quite go to plan.'
A startling misjudgement.
Does Prince Andrew have the full
support of the royal family?
'But it wasn't my fault.
'The royal family isn't there
to be questioned.
'We've always been adored,
at a distance,
'with understated fanfare.'
NEWSREEL: Joyful news from
Buckingham Palace,
the birth of his Royal Highness
the Baby Prince.
'I was the favourite.
'Notice how my mother picks me up
'but fails to do so with Charles.
'I feel sorry for him, in a way.
'The public loved me.
I always commanded respect.'
His nickname gives a better clue
to his personality.
"Randy Andy" is the best known.
'Eventually, I joined the Navy,
'an honour I took
incredibly seriously.'
His helicopter is
a Lynx which he's nicknamed
"The Hussy", as in the brazen hussy.
'I knew of a helicopter called
the Dirty Linda.
'She went down in the Middle East,
'and the helicopter didn't fare too
well either.
CHUCKLES DRYLY
'No, but her pilot
did die, as I recall.'
'And when the Falkland Islands
were invaded,
'I came to the nation's rescue.'
Invincible, with a full complement
of Harriers and 1,000 men,
including Prince Andrew.
'This was my moment,
my chance to shine,
'a royal son fighting for Queen
and country,
'a country that was in a
frightfully sorry state at the time.
'A country that needed hope.
A country that needed a hero.'
Read all about it. Britain's in a
state of terminal decline.
# We've all read the news today
# Strikes, inflation, cuts in pay
# Every season's discontent
# And unemployment 12%
# Britain is broken
# The future is scary
# And the Falkland Islands were
recently seized
# By General Galtieri
# Our ships set sail
# But we knew they'd fail
# Although our
sailors might be brave
# We don't rule a single wave
ALL: # The Empire is about to fall
# We need a prince
to save...us all... #
CHEERING
REPORTER: As Prince Andrew returns
to Buckingham Palace...
# England expects
# Every man will do his duty
# England expects
# Every prince will play his part
# Did you think our country
was a joke
# And this war would be the punch
line?
# Well, listen to Elizabeth's
favourite son
# The Falkland's War,
it has been won
# And an unexpected party
is about to start
ALL: # We're safe
# Now help us to keep track
# Tell us how you got all our
tundra and sheep back
# I fought the Argies single-handed
# Give or take a fleet
# Without my chopper and joystick
# We'd have faced defeat
# Through the bullets I fly
# Never fearing the foe
# My adrenaline was high
# Perhaps excessively so
# Then I raised our flag above
Port Stanley
# How could one man be this manly?
# As a loyal English chap
there's one thing I know
# England expects
# The royals to inspire us
# And England expects
# Distractions from decline
# When the actual
news is really bad
# We look to the House of Windsor
# Now thanks to Elizabeth's
favourite son
# A daring new era has begun
# And an unexpected royal star is
about to shine
# I'm great
# And I bet he votes Tory
# Maggie, please don't interrupt
his interesting story
# There isn't quite a plan for you
# When you're not quite the heir
# Charles was always going places
# I was going spare
# Now I'm the best-looking royal
# In the prime of my youth
# Yes, the most normal-looking royal
# And I'm loveably uncouth
# I've got blue blood
but I'm not haughty
# We love it when he's a bit naughty
# HRH Invincible,
the flagship of truth
# That's what... #
Charles. How's it going, buddy?
Been keeping the home fires burning?
Yes, we grew a rather nice crop
of lettuces this year.
Wow.
And, how's that saucy young
wife of yours, bro?
Ah, well,
she's not very interested
in the lettuces.
No way.
Anyway, hello.
I'm glad you didn't die, I suppose.
Ha. Why are you so weird, Charles?
# "Why are you so weird, Charles?
# You put everyone on edge
# Andrew is revered, Charles
# All you talk about is veg
# I've never been what
England expected
# My heart and mind are
always corrected
# Little brother, you have no duty
# You are free to fly
# But as heir my job
description reads
# "Become a stamp and die"
# Maybe that's why I'm so dry
# Yes, we much prefer this guy
# England expects
# Me to accomplish very little
# England expects
# This prince to be free
# He's won his spurs in battle
# Now I'm going to get
fucking wasted
# Because Randy Andy's come of age
# His future's an unwritten page
# He'll always be Elizabeth's
favourite son
# And there's no such thing
as too much fun
ANDREW AND SERVANTS:
# In this unexpected fairy tale
# That you're about to see
# Yes, England expects... #
A new economic paradigm.
# Yes, England expects... #
There are three other
countries in the union.
# Yes, England, yes, England
# Yes, England
# Yes, England
# Yes, England
# Expects. #
APPLAUSE
Extra, extra, read all about it.
Heroic prince, Britain's most
eligible bachelor.
Do you wanna get your own, mate?
Fucking Nora.
Pull.
GUNSHOTS
Oh, yes.
'I was the most eligible bachelor in
the UK, probably the world.'
REPORTER: The gossip columns
make no mention
of a serious romance at the moment.
'But a thoroughbred like me doesn't
stay single forever.
'It was time to find a wife,
so of course I went to Ascot.
ANDREW: We were made to sit next
door to each other at lunch.
Yes, he made me eat
chocolate profiteroles,
which I didn't want to eat at all.
I then didn't have any, so I got
hit... Very hard.
and it started from there.
Oops, so sorry.
Not at all. Sarah Ferguson,
isn't it? God, it's been years.
Not since we were children,
Your Royal Highness.
Well, we're all grown up now,
aren't we?
Diana brought me along.
She thought I might liven the place
up a bit.
Ascot always brings out
the finest fillies,
don't you think?
Well, I think they come for
the finest studs.
Sarah, we've only just met, again,
after meeting many years
ago as children,
which we mentioned earlier.
But, I'd like to offer you
a princely gift.
Care to accept?
It depends what it is
you're offering.
Oh, I could offer you everything
you've ever dreamed of, Sarah.
But first...
..care for a profiterole?
A what?
Oh, they're the latest thing.
The question is...do you want it,
Sarah?
Do...you...want...it?
# When Eve first saw the apple
# I believe she had to grapple
# With a choice beyond unfair
# Now my question's just as tricky
# Do I take a bun this sticky?
# When a voice says,
"Fergie, beware"?
# Taking a bite out of life
# I could taste the future
# Becoming a prince's wife
# I could wolf down bliss
# I'd grow strong, I'd grow tall
# On this royal nutrition
# Is that my profiterole in this?
# Diana craved a mascot
# To plan a day at Ascot
# And she said,
"Sarah, don't be late."
# For here among the horses
# We steer the primal forces
# Of desire, of power and fate
# Oh, think of the good
I could do in the world
# And of all the resorts
I could see
# Think of the numerous
hospital wings
# That would love
to be opened by me
# Infinite joy, and it's all
# Waiting inside this pastry ball
# The duchess of hearts that
I'm desperate to be
# Taking a bite out of pride
# I'd be munching glory
# Cupid, you're on my side
# Shoot and please don't miss
# Full of pep, full of punch
# As the new royal knockout
# Is that my profiterole in this?
# But don't forget there's a
price for a meal so rich
# For every fairy tale princess
# They need a fairy tale witch
# Today the papers love you
# "She's got humour,
style and grace"
# Tomorrow they will bellow
# "Fergie, shut your face"
# There's nowhere to run to
and nowhere to hide
# When you fail to live up
to their dream
# Condemned to ask strangers
# "How far have you come?"
# When inside you,
you just want to scream
# So do I accept?
# Yeah, of course
# Pour on that sticky
chocolate sauce
# Cos I'm not afraid
of this coronet of cream
# Taking a bite out of
Sarah Ferguson
# Your taste buds will explode
# Your tongue will dissolve
and your teeth will shatter
# Your brain will overload
# Eve knew what she was doing
# So like her I'll be brave
# You don't let anyone stop you
# When it's destiny you crave
# For after the very first bite
# Came the very first kiss
# And that's my profiterole
# Yes, my profiterole
# Yes, my profiterole
# In this. #
Mm.
Wonderfully rich.
Yes, you will be.
THEY CHUCKLE
Andrew and I fell in love
in the '80s,
a decade known for timeless elegance
and the subtle celebration of
wealth, just like me.
Everyone knows I've got subtlety
coming out of my amazing arse.
REPORTER:
By now we all know who she is.
I wasn't born into royalty.
I got to the top through
a combination of brains and beauty.
She's Sarah Ferguson, daughter of
Prince Charles's polo manager
and a friend of
the Princess of Wales.
In other words,
good princess material.
As our big day approached,
Andrew relished every moment.
Get on with it and get
it out of the way.
My wedding dress was spectacular.
REPORTER: The train,
all 17 and a half feet of it.
Nothing says "subtle" like
a 17-foot train.
I remember joking to the Queen that
a train that long should
have bogs in the middle.
She didn't laugh
but I could tell she wanted to.
What a day this was.
That was a pink Chanel number
sent directly from Paris.
I had the sleeves taken in a little,
and I'm holding, um,
one of my daughters.
But the honeymoon didn't last long.
REPORTER: She's been accused of
extravagance,
bad taste and an
over-exuberant manner.
Eventually the media vendetta
against me grew to fever pitch,
even though I had done
absolutely nothing wrong.
REPORTER: The Duke of York, who
suffered the humiliation of pictures
of his half-naked wife being
published throughout the world.
Oh, yes, apart from when I got my
toes slurped by John Bryan.
It takes two people to end
a marriage,
but suddenly I was public
enemy number one.
COMMENTATOR: There's a certain
amount of over-the-top-ness with
this girl.
After separating,
Andrew and I had no choice
but to contemplate
the D word most hated by
the royal family. Oh,
no, not Diana. The other D word.
Your Royal Highness,
trust me, divorce is war.
Right.
She's going to want to
want to screw you,
so we've got to screw her first.
No contact, no mercy.
Napalm her from the air,
just like you did in
the Falklands, eh?
That's not what I did in
the Falklands.
We've got to screw him
so hard he'll have
to start working as his
mum's dog walker.
They'll never demote Andrew.
He's the favourite.
The thing is,
I still quite like her.
He's very funny, you see,
and a very good dad.
This is a fight to the death.
Who's the enemy?
She is.
Who's the enemy?
He is.
There has to be another way.
There has to be another... Ow.
Psst.
What do you mean, "psst"?
You hit me with a rock.
Sarah, the lawyers, they say...
I know, but what can we do?
I've been thinking.
# My side will claim I'm the victim
# That wonderful man, how she
tricked him
# But who cares if they're right?
# I've no stomach for this fight
# Our love is greater than wedlock
# Can't we break free
of this deadlock?
# Let's end our cold estrangement
# And come to a bizarre arrangement
# Will you be my ex-wife, Sarah?
# Separate, inseparable
lifelong friend
# What solution could be fairer?
# Why don't we put our
strife to an end?
# Our libidos need igniting
# Marital sex is a bore
# And I know my fires will
start relighting
# When you are my wife no more
# My side will try to determine
# That it is you who's the vermin
# Their faces grim and stony
# Increase my alimony
# But laying the blame isn't vital
# Just let me cling onto my title
# We're closer now than spouses... #
Hang on.
# Life partners in adjacent houses
# I will be your ex-wife, Andy
# Confident confidante,
chum supreme
# Never was divorce so dandy
# Leaving the stadium
still in the team
# Though the world
will call us crazy
# We'll honour the vow
that we swore
# I will treasure
and complete you, darling
# When I am your wife no more
BOTH: # Melt the rings,
rip up the contract
# All we need
is fortnightly contact
# Breaking convention
# I'd still like my pension
# Apart yet united
BOTH: # We're so damn excited
# To sing out the news!
# You don't fight, you don't lose
# Beatrice and the other one
# Will never have to choose
# So, please meet
# The happy ex-lovers
# Our car insurance
can stay the same
# Bentleys and the Golf
it covers
# So many vehicles,
still one name
# We won't part
and they won't make us
# We'll always play for a draw
# Now we're broken
you can't break us
# Exes forever more
# Exes forever more. #
If you say it,
I'll say it right back.
Let's say it together.
After three?
One.
Two.
Three.
BOTH: See you in court.
APPLAUSE
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Duke and Duchess decide on divorce.
HE STIFLES SOB
I said I wouldn't cry!
By the time Sarah and I divorced,
it was the '90s,
and change was afoot.
There was a different Fergie
on the scene,
one who also liked collecting
shiny things.
Anthony Blair was going round
spreading dangerously
anti-royalist notions,
such as optimism,
and lady power was the talk
of the town.
Much of it, as far as I could tell,
was just bad manners.
Do you know,
I think you're very sexy.
That's just plainly untrue,
and that Sugababe knows it.
I was committed to maintaining
warm relations with Sarah.
She was, after all,
the mother of my child.
Children. Keep doing that.
Of course, Sarah did now need
to rein in her overspending a tad.
REPORTER: The Duchess is said
to have handed out watercolours
she'd painted herself
rather than buying gifts.
Those were wonderful gifts
to receive,
and I've still got two of them
on the fridge.
I think one is of a house
with a face.
Thankfully, during this tough time
I had some good friends
to keep me sane.
I've got a real knack for seeking
out the company of honourable men.
I kept myself busy working
in my office-based
but still very active naval role.
Look at how I tackle those stairs.
Pew-pew-pew! Like Rocky.
It's safe to say that people
still thought of me first
and foremost as a brave Falklands
helicopter pilot.
When people think of him,
they don't think first of the brave
Falklands helicopter pilot.
They think, frankly,
of the poor prince who got messed
about by Fergie.
Who was I kidding?
I was at a crossroads.
I was still a respected
military man.
My screensaver was
the word "Navy", for heaven's sake.
But what was next
for poor old muggins?
PHONE RINGS
Speak.
Sir, the Prime Minister's here
to see you.
About bloody time.
Clear my schedule for the morning.
There's nothing in the schedule.
Prime Minister!
Please, call me Tony.
How are you, Andrew?
Please, call me Your Royal Highness.
Life's tough at the top, eh?
Tell me about it. How's the golf?
Excellent. Playing a seven handicap
these days.
Wowzer.
Perhaps you should be
Prime Minister.
No, no, you're doing fine.
Oh, thanks.
I understand you're about
to retire from the Royal Navy.
What are you going to do next?
Oh, you know, busy, busy,
royal life -
openings and, um...
..and then there's the unveilings,
of course.
Of course. Well, if you have a
moment, how would you feel
about being my government's
new international trade envoy?
I'm sorry?
Well, it's the perfect role
for a seasoned diplomat
with extensive business know-how
and keen entrepreneurial spirit.
But Peter Mandelson seems
to think you could do it too.
What do you say?
# Do you know what you are asking? #
Well, er...
# The man that it is
you are tasking? #
Er, well, yeah.
# The favourite son
of your sovereign queen
# In whose radiance we are
all basking... #
Yeah, and I really think it would
make such
a great use of all your free time.
Free time?!
Hmm.
ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP CHIRPY TUNE
# While sailing the seas I was glad
# Each day a promise
of fresh air and fun
# Retirement is lonely and sad
# Just snoozing and watching
A Place In the Sun
# Idleness serves to compound
my woe
# A prince really needs a portfolio
# This Labour Prime Minister,
though he seems sinister,
# Offers me somewhere
quite new to go... #
And, you know, even though
the role's unpaid,
we're more than happy
to cover your expenses.
# I find his proposal alluring
# The trade deals I'll soon
be securing
# Some would say that my
appointment's unwise
# But what do I lose
if I try it for size?
# Pull on your suit
and pack up your bags
# For a different kind of duty
# Can I speak
just like a businessman?
# "Business, business"
Yes, I can!
# Making connections,
holding receptions
# I'm no sleeping beauty
# I'm a working royal
with a job to do
# So it's time I began... #
Service!
CORK POPS
# Diplomacy can be quite tough
# You eat a big meal
and everyone's nice
# Then making a deal is rough
# My trick's to say yes
and just not know the price
# "British producers
are on their knees!"
# I yell at the Saudis
and Portuguese
# Our trade is declining,
there's no silver lining
# We import disgraceful amounts
of cheese
# But golfing in various nations
# Works wonders
for trading relations
# I'm helping the farmer,
the man in the street
# By skiing with all
the dictators I meet
# Pour out the whisky,
fire up the jet
# For a different kind of duty
# LHR, LAX, JFK
# HRH bringing the PR-tay!
# Daily I stand
and shake every hand
# But by night I shake my booty
# I'm a five-star guest
on a difficult quest
# To promote the UK
# But what's the point of anything?
# I'm busy and happy
and doing my bit
# Am I achieving anything?
# I'm certain back home
no-one thinks I'm a tit
# There's no escape from
the heat death of the universe
# Human endeavour is meaningless
and our existence is perverse
# But if there's a God,
then his purpose for me
# Is to travel around
and to get pissed
# Heaven's a party for billionaires
# And I'm making sure
I'm on the guest list
# The Air Miles are clocking up fast
# I'm piloting Britain
and looping de loop
# But if our success is to last
# I need to befriend
a more prosperous group
# Stelios, Delia, Lord Sug-ar
# Bozos and losers who won't go far
# A prince should be pally
with Murdoch and Gates
# And that fellow from
Virgin that everyone hates
# England expects
and I cannot relax
# Well, good evening to you
# My dear Ms Maxwell! #
TUNE SHIFTS TO SEEDY JAZZ
# Fasten your seat belt,
lower the lights
# For a different kind of duty
# Everything's going so swimmingly
# But why are we now in a minor key?
# Lady Ghislaine is boarding
the plane
# With a friend who's rather fruity
# I will never shy away
from someone new
# As a special envoy,
I've a job to do
# GDP depends on me
# So, sir, it's good to meet... #
Your Royal Highness,
this is Jeffrey.
# You. #
I was back as Britain's trade envoy,
making deals and nailing handshakes.
Can't win 'em all.
I was the nation's saviour - again.
But while my famous charm has always
helped maintain
good relations with the press...
One at a time!
..unbelievably, I was accused of
abusing my position
to jet all over the place.
REPORTER: He's become known as
Air Miles Andy.
I only took private jets
when absolutely necessary.
This private jet is taking
the Duke of York to Newcastle.
Otherwise, everything
was going marvellously.
That is until silly old Sarah
attempted a business deal
of her own.
500,000, when you can, to me...
POP
..open doors.
It would be Prince Andrew? Yeah.
Couldn't she tell it was a set-up?
They agreed to pay half
a million pounds to meet Andrew.
I mean, come on.
Is that a deal? Yeah.
Just cash stuffed into
a briefcase.
So vulgar.
Another donation to one of your
charities, Your Royal Highness.
Oh, goody. Pay it into the bank,
will you?
Very good, sir.
HE SIGHS
My brother's rarely out of
the press these days,
what with his jet-setter lifestyle
and the company he keeps.
REPORTER: Air Miles Andy and his
travel spend
have been controversial
- too costly, say some - for years.
Gallivanting around the world at
the taxpayers' expense.
People expect royals
to be better.
People get angry.
People start revolutions.
ECHOING MOB
THWACK
CHEERING
Not this Charles.
# There's a crown,
I can hear it calling
# Every jewel sends shivers
down my spine
# There's a crown on my head,
it's falling
# To hide my receding hairline
# How dare Fergie
try to sell her access
# For half a million pounds or so?
# Oh, she knew the mess she'd make
# Flogging royals to the sheikh
# And it sucks like John Bryan
sucked her toe
# And then there's Andrew
with that pesky Epstein
# I'm not sure why he makes me
so tense
# In about a year or ten
# He'll be in headlines again
# Hopefully it's only
a minor offence
# Obey, Andrew
# Every fave should still behave
# Obey, Fergie
# Haven't you got all those debts
you should repay?
# Any more dishonesty
# Coming from the monarchy
# I won't get the crown
they promised me
# So I say
# Pull up your socks and obey! #
Sir, Prince Charles!
Sir, Your Highness!
# And talking scandals -
well, I've had my fair share
# And all the papers gave me hell
# I called my Asian friend "Sooty"
# And shook hands with Mugabe
# While wed, I clapped Camilla's
cheeks as well
# Clapped them cheeks
# And I know it isn't easy
# When you're under
constant scrutiny
# Even me, I've got no leg
to stand on
# Cos I said I'd like
to be Camilla's
# Tampon! #
I meant romantically!
# Aah, aah, aah, aah!
# Obey, Fergie
# Don't air our laundry
in the press
# Just obey, Andrew
# No more publicly-funded
private jets
# Can you all collectively
# Just agree to wind
your necks in, please?
# So that I'll fulfil my destiny
# Again, I say
# Pull up your socks and obey
# The crown's so close
# I can almost taste it
# Aah, aah, aah!
# I get one shot to succeed
# I won't let you two waste it
# Aah, aah, aah!
# So before you take
your leave and go
# Is there more that I should know?
# Like when you partied halfway
round the world
# Did it involve any teenage girls?
# If such a story should unfurl... #
Nope.
# Then we're fine
# Farewell, Andrew
# You're just a good boy led astray
# And tell Fergie
# From now on you'll both
# Obey. #
Life, as they say,
comes at one fast.
Prince Andrew? Are you going
to resign, Prince Andrew?
Are you an embarrassment, sir?
One minute I'm in New York,
honourably visiting this chap
in the jacket
to honourably terminate our
friendship over a four-day stay.
There I am,
honourably waving him goodbye.
All of a sudden, there's a
full-blown hoo-ha in the press...
Can you recover from this, sir?
..compelling me to explain myself
to the nation.
Each disclosure threatens
Prince Andrew's position.
Of course, I now realise I made
a terrible mistake.
I should never have spoken
to Emily Maitlis.
Who'd have thought she'd ask me such
confusingly cryptic questions?
Do you regret that trip?
Yes.
Do you regret the whole friendship
with Epstein?
It's a simple question
and a simple answer - yes.
Say yes.
Um, now...
..still not.
And the reason being is
that...that the...
Get me Andrew.
..the people that I met
..and the opportunities
that I was given to learn...
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Prince Andrew's REALLY gone
and fucked it.
BELL TOLLS
DOOR CREAKS
WIND WHISTLES
Hello?
Sit.
I'll do another interview.
Make amends.
You were friends with a paedophile.
You brought a sexual predator
to Balmoral.
You welcomed a vile abuser
into the bosom of the royal family.
How do you turn this damn
thing off?
Charles, please.
Yes, it looks bad.
It's over for you, Andrew.
You're withdrawing from public life.
You will return your military
titles, your royal patronages
and you will stop referring
to yourself as HRH.
What if I say no?
You're being sued
for sexual assault.
I'll fight it.
REPORTER: Britain's Prince Andrew,
who has ended a sexual abuse lawsuit
by agreeing to a reported
multimillion dollar settlement.
It's done. You've settled.
In the future, the monarchy
will be slimmed down,
reined in, respectable.
Nice and boring.
But what about the minor royals?
Gone.
Even Princess Michael of Kent?
What Princess Michael of Kent?
You bastard!
It won't work, you know.
I can't just disappear.
OMINOUS MUSIC STRIKES UP
# We've all read the news today
# Andrew, you will have to pay
# Don't admit that all is lost
# Say I had my fingers crossed
# Why can't you be like Anne?
# No-one's as good as Anne
BOTH: # The bless-ed Anne
# Silence! Obey me!
# How dare you betray me?
# There's no use resisting
# I can't stop existing
# Remove every mention,
distract their attention
# You can't change the fact
that I'm just an extension
# Of you! #
The thing is, Charles, you're always
gonna need an Andrew.
What on earth are you
talking about?
# A-five, six, seven, eight
# Kings and queens used
to be murderers
# Rapists, fanatics and thieves
# But these days
you're all squeaky clean
# Or so everybody believes
# How do you keep us all convinced
# Of your virtue and dignity?
# You've subcontracted
your disgrace
# To minor royals like me
# Maybe there's been errors
of judgment
# And maybe I'm partly to blame
# But I was born to be
the scapegoat
# For all our family shame
# The Palace scowls at my behaviour
# But secretly you need me around
# Who do you want the people hating
# When you're the one being crowned?
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# Every heir needs a ne'er-do-well
# You'll always need
a royal screw-up
# And a shocking royal story
to tell
# Try to see my life in
a broader context
# You'll find I haven't much
to regret
# Cos you're always going to need
an Andrew
# And you haven't heard
the last of me yet
# Birth to earth and womb to tomb
# Our lives must always follow
the plan
# Crush and warp your soul
and spirit
# Cos it's all for the good of
the clan
# Members of the great unwashed
# Demand the monarch always looks
like a saint
# And the rest of us
make that easier
# Cos perfect is something we ain't
# Princess Margaret's
torrid affairs
# Kept the public fascinated
for years
# Lady Diana gave you great drama
# And Meghan gives you plenty
of tears
# Yes, we all loved George VI
# He was a king
everybody could like
# But it's easy to outshine
your brother
# When he's a fan
of the Third Reich
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# Every God needs a Devil to smite
# You'll always need
a royal wrong-un
# To prove you're
the royal who's right
# I have played my part
to complete perfection
# So arguably you owe me a debt
# Cos you're always gonna need
an Andrew
# And you haven't heard
the last of me yet
# Brother, that is utter crap
# And your delusion is a thing
to behold
# You've made your bed
beyond the pale
# And you're never coming back
in the fold
# The things that you're accused of
# They were choices that you made
on your own
# Now let's not mention them again
# Because no-one wants
to lower the tone
# There won't be another Andrew
# Every scandal needs to come
to an end
# There won't be another interview
# And you'll never make another
new friend
# Do the firm a favour
and keep your trap shut
# No-one wants to hear what you say
# I just want the best
for England now
# And we expect you just
to vanish away
# Ay!
# England expects
# Every man will do his duty
# England expects
# This Prince to be contrite
# Could it be our family is a joke
# And that I've become
the punch line?
# No! I'm still Elizabeth's
favourite son
# What lessons have I learned?
# Well, zero - none!
# That's the unexpected moral
that I'm gonna share tonight
# Oh! You're always gonna need
an Andrew.
# And you'll always
need to keep me sweet
# If you never let me face
the witness stand
# Then I'll never need admit defeat
# My time is gonna come round again
# You'll see history is on my side
# You'll realise you couldn't get
rid of Andrew
# And rue the day that you tried
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You haven't heard
the last of me yet
# You're always gonna love an Andrew
# You haven't heard
the last of me yet
# You're always gonna want an Andrew
# You're always gonna find an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew. #
This programme contains
strong language
Ladies and gentlemen, please take
your seats for tonight's
performance.
ORCHESTRA WARMING UP
GULPS
NARRATOR ANDREW: Good evening.
My name is Prince Andrew.
Some very serious accusations
have been made against me
in the press recently,
accusations I intend to put
to bed for good.
Good evening, Emily.
Good evening, Your Royal Highness.
Excuse me.
And, action.
Your Royal Highness,
we've come to Buckingham Palace
in highly unusual circumstances.
NARRATOR ANDREW: Quite right, Emily
is using my royal title there,
something which can never,
ever, ever be taken away from me.
Do you regret the whole friendship
with Epstein?
Um, now, still not,
and the reason being is that,
that the, the people that I met,
and the opportunities that
I was given to learn,
either by him or because of him,
were actually very useful.
NARRATOR ANDREW: 'Excellent point.
'I mean, how am I,
a humble Queen's son,
'meant to get opportunities without
being friends with a paedophile?
'Come on, Emily, use that pretty
head of yours.'
I didn't sweat
at the time, because I,
had suffered what I
would describe as
an overdose of adrenaline in the
Falklands War, when I was shot at.
NARRATOR ANDREW: 'I'm slightly
flummoxing Emily with science here.
'Everyone knows the simple equation
- war plus guns equals no sweat for
'a bit.
It's just how the body works.'
There's a photo inside
Ghislaine Maxwell's house.
The photograph is taken upstairs,
and I don't think I ever
went upstairs.
'Bullet proof defence. Next?'
Your Royal Highness, thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
And cut.
Excellent... Excellent.
Excellent?
And, thank you again for coming in.
Sorry. How do YOU think that went?
Well...
# I nailed it
# I did everything right
# I've saved my reputation
# And my future is bright
# You see my accusers
# Are nothing but losers
# And nobody can say that
I failed it
# Cos I nailed it
# Although
# I can't believe I said that
# The thing about the sweat
# Though you'd rather have
a prince who's dry
# Than one who's soaking wet
# Plus my service in the Falklands
# Will no doubt be to my credit
# And a silly thing like that will
just be cut out in the edit... #
The sweat thing is definitely
making the cut, right?
# But I can't believe I said that
# The birthday meal in Woking
# It's the greatest food I ever ate
# But will they think I'm joking?
# No, they'll see a people's prince
who likes a pizza Fiorentina
# Rather than a chap whose chum
would try soliciting a minor
# So don't panic, don't worry
# I've got this, I'm free
# Everyone's about to learn
the victim's really me
# Cos I nailed it
# Not a word out of place
# The Duke's a legal genius
# And he's resting his case
# A new hero has risen
# Who won't go to prison
# The sea was choppy
# But I'm glad that I sailed it
# Cos I nailed it... #
Although.
# I can't believe he said that
# He claims he's not a sinner
# "But my paedo friend was
out of jail
# "So why not go for dinner?"
# It's doubtful that he's sorry
# I'm not even sure he cares
# But we're assured this royal
Dalek simply cannot go upstairs... #
Pretty hot, actually.
I'd say maybe an eight.
# And I can't believe he said that
# The ah-ing and the um-ing
# Till he brought himself to say
# A child abuser's unbecoming
# His accusers are a joke
and yet I'm stifling my laughter
# Cos with TV gold like this
I know I'm guaranteed a Bafta
# Don't panic, don't worry
# Start spreading the news
# The interview is dynamite
# And Maitlis has the fuse
# Yes, I nailed it
# I gave him plenty of rope
# The honourable prince
# Is an unlovable dope
# They'll cut off his free cash
# After this car crash
#Andrew had a train and I just
derailed it
# Cos I nailed it
# Although
# Could I have done
things differently
# And steered a better course?
# Should a father of two daughters
# Show a little more remorse?
# Was I a little gentle?
# Did his title make me kinder?
# No, Maitlis is a pro
# And she has played
a fucking blinder
BOTH: # So I can't believe we did
it, the story of the season
# Unforgettable, unmissable
# With just a whiff of treason
# The establishment has never had
a scandal this obscene
# The humiliating photograph
# Could this now be my epitaph?
# The invites that you sent to him
# Perhaps I have been rather dim
BOTH: # I wouldn't want to be the
one who has to tell the Queen
# The Queen.
# She nailed me
# I nailed him
BOTH: # Now the truth will be known
# Sex descriptions from the night
# The lying to the throne
# Right here in the palace
# Did I mention phallus-es?
# I shouldn't have done the
interview
# I should have curtailed it
# My excitement's uncontrollable
# I hope that I veiled it
BOTH: # There's a P45
for Andrew in the post
# And we nailed it
# I just can't believe
that you said yes
# I nailed it. #
And, this mantelpiece has actually
been here since the early 1800s.
Mm, fascinating.
Very, very old. And, um...
'OK, so perhaps that interview
didn't quite go to plan.'
A startling misjudgement.
Does Prince Andrew have the full
support of the royal family?
'But it wasn't my fault.
'The royal family isn't there
to be questioned.
'We've always been adored,
at a distance,
'with understated fanfare.'
NEWSREEL: Joyful news from
Buckingham Palace,
the birth of his Royal Highness
the Baby Prince.
'I was the favourite.
'Notice how my mother picks me up
'but fails to do so with Charles.
'I feel sorry for him, in a way.
'The public loved me.
I always commanded respect.'
His nickname gives a better clue
to his personality.
"Randy Andy" is the best known.
'Eventually, I joined the Navy,
'an honour I took
incredibly seriously.'
His helicopter is
a Lynx which he's nicknamed
"The Hussy", as in the brazen hussy.
'I knew of a helicopter called
the Dirty Linda.
'She went down in the Middle East,
'and the helicopter didn't fare too
well either.
CHUCKLES DRYLY
'No, but her pilot
did die, as I recall.'
'And when the Falkland Islands
were invaded,
'I came to the nation's rescue.'
Invincible, with a full complement
of Harriers and 1,000 men,
including Prince Andrew.
'This was my moment,
my chance to shine,
'a royal son fighting for Queen
and country,
'a country that was in a
frightfully sorry state at the time.
'A country that needed hope.
A country that needed a hero.'
Read all about it. Britain's in a
state of terminal decline.
# We've all read the news today
# Strikes, inflation, cuts in pay
# Every season's discontent
# And unemployment 12%
# Britain is broken
# The future is scary
# And the Falkland Islands were
recently seized
# By General Galtieri
# Our ships set sail
# But we knew they'd fail
# Although our
sailors might be brave
# We don't rule a single wave
ALL: # The Empire is about to fall
# We need a prince
to save...us all... #
CHEERING
REPORTER: As Prince Andrew returns
to Buckingham Palace...
# England expects
# Every man will do his duty
# England expects
# Every prince will play his part
# Did you think our country
was a joke
# And this war would be the punch
line?
# Well, listen to Elizabeth's
favourite son
# The Falkland's War,
it has been won
# And an unexpected party
is about to start
ALL: # We're safe
# Now help us to keep track
# Tell us how you got all our
tundra and sheep back
# I fought the Argies single-handed
# Give or take a fleet
# Without my chopper and joystick
# We'd have faced defeat
# Through the bullets I fly
# Never fearing the foe
# My adrenaline was high
# Perhaps excessively so
# Then I raised our flag above
Port Stanley
# How could one man be this manly?
# As a loyal English chap
there's one thing I know
# England expects
# The royals to inspire us
# And England expects
# Distractions from decline
# When the actual
news is really bad
# We look to the House of Windsor
# Now thanks to Elizabeth's
favourite son
# A daring new era has begun
# And an unexpected royal star is
about to shine
# I'm great
# And I bet he votes Tory
# Maggie, please don't interrupt
his interesting story
# There isn't quite a plan for you
# When you're not quite the heir
# Charles was always going places
# I was going spare
# Now I'm the best-looking royal
# In the prime of my youth
# Yes, the most normal-looking royal
# And I'm loveably uncouth
# I've got blue blood
but I'm not haughty
# We love it when he's a bit naughty
# HRH Invincible,
the flagship of truth
# That's what... #
Charles. How's it going, buddy?
Been keeping the home fires burning?
Yes, we grew a rather nice crop
of lettuces this year.
Wow.
And, how's that saucy young
wife of yours, bro?
Ah, well,
she's not very interested
in the lettuces.
No way.
Anyway, hello.
I'm glad you didn't die, I suppose.
Ha. Why are you so weird, Charles?
# "Why are you so weird, Charles?
# You put everyone on edge
# Andrew is revered, Charles
# All you talk about is veg
# I've never been what
England expected
# My heart and mind are
always corrected
# Little brother, you have no duty
# You are free to fly
# But as heir my job
description reads
# "Become a stamp and die"
# Maybe that's why I'm so dry
# Yes, we much prefer this guy
# England expects
# Me to accomplish very little
# England expects
# This prince to be free
# He's won his spurs in battle
# Now I'm going to get
fucking wasted
# Because Randy Andy's come of age
# His future's an unwritten page
# He'll always be Elizabeth's
favourite son
# And there's no such thing
as too much fun
ANDREW AND SERVANTS:
# In this unexpected fairy tale
# That you're about to see
# Yes, England expects... #
A new economic paradigm.
# Yes, England expects... #
There are three other
countries in the union.
# Yes, England, yes, England
# Yes, England
# Yes, England
# Yes, England
# Expects. #
APPLAUSE
Extra, extra, read all about it.
Heroic prince, Britain's most
eligible bachelor.
Do you wanna get your own, mate?
Fucking Nora.
Pull.
GUNSHOTS
Oh, yes.
'I was the most eligible bachelor in
the UK, probably the world.'
REPORTER: The gossip columns
make no mention
of a serious romance at the moment.
'But a thoroughbred like me doesn't
stay single forever.
'It was time to find a wife,
so of course I went to Ascot.
ANDREW: We were made to sit next
door to each other at lunch.
Yes, he made me eat
chocolate profiteroles,
which I didn't want to eat at all.
I then didn't have any, so I got
hit... Very hard.
and it started from there.
Oops, so sorry.
Not at all. Sarah Ferguson,
isn't it? God, it's been years.
Not since we were children,
Your Royal Highness.
Well, we're all grown up now,
aren't we?
Diana brought me along.
She thought I might liven the place
up a bit.
Ascot always brings out
the finest fillies,
don't you think?
Well, I think they come for
the finest studs.
Sarah, we've only just met, again,
after meeting many years
ago as children,
which we mentioned earlier.
But, I'd like to offer you
a princely gift.
Care to accept?
It depends what it is
you're offering.
Oh, I could offer you everything
you've ever dreamed of, Sarah.
But first...
..care for a profiterole?
A what?
Oh, they're the latest thing.
The question is...do you want it,
Sarah?
Do...you...want...it?
# When Eve first saw the apple
# I believe she had to grapple
# With a choice beyond unfair
# Now my question's just as tricky
# Do I take a bun this sticky?
# When a voice says,
"Fergie, beware"?
# Taking a bite out of life
# I could taste the future
# Becoming a prince's wife
# I could wolf down bliss
# I'd grow strong, I'd grow tall
# On this royal nutrition
# Is that my profiterole in this?
# Diana craved a mascot
# To plan a day at Ascot
# And she said,
"Sarah, don't be late."
# For here among the horses
# We steer the primal forces
# Of desire, of power and fate
# Oh, think of the good
I could do in the world
# And of all the resorts
I could see
# Think of the numerous
hospital wings
# That would love
to be opened by me
# Infinite joy, and it's all
# Waiting inside this pastry ball
# The duchess of hearts that
I'm desperate to be
# Taking a bite out of pride
# I'd be munching glory
# Cupid, you're on my side
# Shoot and please don't miss
# Full of pep, full of punch
# As the new royal knockout
# Is that my profiterole in this?
# But don't forget there's a
price for a meal so rich
# For every fairy tale princess
# They need a fairy tale witch
# Today the papers love you
# "She's got humour,
style and grace"
# Tomorrow they will bellow
# "Fergie, shut your face"
# There's nowhere to run to
and nowhere to hide
# When you fail to live up
to their dream
# Condemned to ask strangers
# "How far have you come?"
# When inside you,
you just want to scream
# So do I accept?
# Yeah, of course
# Pour on that sticky
chocolate sauce
# Cos I'm not afraid
of this coronet of cream
# Taking a bite out of
Sarah Ferguson
# Your taste buds will explode
# Your tongue will dissolve
and your teeth will shatter
# Your brain will overload
# Eve knew what she was doing
# So like her I'll be brave
# You don't let anyone stop you
# When it's destiny you crave
# For after the very first bite
# Came the very first kiss
# And that's my profiterole
# Yes, my profiterole
# Yes, my profiterole
# In this. #
Mm.
Wonderfully rich.
Yes, you will be.
THEY CHUCKLE
Andrew and I fell in love
in the '80s,
a decade known for timeless elegance
and the subtle celebration of
wealth, just like me.
Everyone knows I've got subtlety
coming out of my amazing arse.
REPORTER:
By now we all know who she is.
I wasn't born into royalty.
I got to the top through
a combination of brains and beauty.
She's Sarah Ferguson, daughter of
Prince Charles's polo manager
and a friend of
the Princess of Wales.
In other words,
good princess material.
As our big day approached,
Andrew relished every moment.
Get on with it and get
it out of the way.
My wedding dress was spectacular.
REPORTER: The train,
all 17 and a half feet of it.
Nothing says "subtle" like
a 17-foot train.
I remember joking to the Queen that
a train that long should
have bogs in the middle.
She didn't laugh
but I could tell she wanted to.
What a day this was.
That was a pink Chanel number
sent directly from Paris.
I had the sleeves taken in a little,
and I'm holding, um,
one of my daughters.
But the honeymoon didn't last long.
REPORTER: She's been accused of
extravagance,
bad taste and an
over-exuberant manner.
Eventually the media vendetta
against me grew to fever pitch,
even though I had done
absolutely nothing wrong.
REPORTER: The Duke of York, who
suffered the humiliation of pictures
of his half-naked wife being
published throughout the world.
Oh, yes, apart from when I got my
toes slurped by John Bryan.
It takes two people to end
a marriage,
but suddenly I was public
enemy number one.
COMMENTATOR: There's a certain
amount of over-the-top-ness with
this girl.
After separating,
Andrew and I had no choice
but to contemplate
the D word most hated by
the royal family. Oh,
no, not Diana. The other D word.
Your Royal Highness,
trust me, divorce is war.
Right.
She's going to want to
want to screw you,
so we've got to screw her first.
No contact, no mercy.
Napalm her from the air,
just like you did in
the Falklands, eh?
That's not what I did in
the Falklands.
We've got to screw him
so hard he'll have
to start working as his
mum's dog walker.
They'll never demote Andrew.
He's the favourite.
The thing is,
I still quite like her.
He's very funny, you see,
and a very good dad.
This is a fight to the death.
Who's the enemy?
She is.
Who's the enemy?
He is.
There has to be another way.
There has to be another... Ow.
Psst.
What do you mean, "psst"?
You hit me with a rock.
Sarah, the lawyers, they say...
I know, but what can we do?
I've been thinking.
# My side will claim I'm the victim
# That wonderful man, how she
tricked him
# But who cares if they're right?
# I've no stomach for this fight
# Our love is greater than wedlock
# Can't we break free
of this deadlock?
# Let's end our cold estrangement
# And come to a bizarre arrangement
# Will you be my ex-wife, Sarah?
# Separate, inseparable
lifelong friend
# What solution could be fairer?
# Why don't we put our
strife to an end?
# Our libidos need igniting
# Marital sex is a bore
# And I know my fires will
start relighting
# When you are my wife no more
# My side will try to determine
# That it is you who's the vermin
# Their faces grim and stony
# Increase my alimony
# But laying the blame isn't vital
# Just let me cling onto my title
# We're closer now than spouses... #
Hang on.
# Life partners in adjacent houses
# I will be your ex-wife, Andy
# Confident confidante,
chum supreme
# Never was divorce so dandy
# Leaving the stadium
still in the team
# Though the world
will call us crazy
# We'll honour the vow
that we swore
# I will treasure
and complete you, darling
# When I am your wife no more
BOTH: # Melt the rings,
rip up the contract
# All we need
is fortnightly contact
# Breaking convention
# I'd still like my pension
# Apart yet united
BOTH: # We're so damn excited
# To sing out the news!
# You don't fight, you don't lose
# Beatrice and the other one
# Will never have to choose
# So, please meet
# The happy ex-lovers
# Our car insurance
can stay the same
# Bentleys and the Golf
it covers
# So many vehicles,
still one name
# We won't part
and they won't make us
# We'll always play for a draw
# Now we're broken
you can't break us
# Exes forever more
# Exes forever more. #
If you say it,
I'll say it right back.
Let's say it together.
After three?
One.
Two.
Three.
BOTH: See you in court.
APPLAUSE
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Duke and Duchess decide on divorce.
HE STIFLES SOB
I said I wouldn't cry!
By the time Sarah and I divorced,
it was the '90s,
and change was afoot.
There was a different Fergie
on the scene,
one who also liked collecting
shiny things.
Anthony Blair was going round
spreading dangerously
anti-royalist notions,
such as optimism,
and lady power was the talk
of the town.
Much of it, as far as I could tell,
was just bad manners.
Do you know,
I think you're very sexy.
That's just plainly untrue,
and that Sugababe knows it.
I was committed to maintaining
warm relations with Sarah.
She was, after all,
the mother of my child.
Children. Keep doing that.
Of course, Sarah did now need
to rein in her overspending a tad.
REPORTER: The Duchess is said
to have handed out watercolours
she'd painted herself
rather than buying gifts.
Those were wonderful gifts
to receive,
and I've still got two of them
on the fridge.
I think one is of a house
with a face.
Thankfully, during this tough time
I had some good friends
to keep me sane.
I've got a real knack for seeking
out the company of honourable men.
I kept myself busy working
in my office-based
but still very active naval role.
Look at how I tackle those stairs.
Pew-pew-pew! Like Rocky.
It's safe to say that people
still thought of me first
and foremost as a brave Falklands
helicopter pilot.
When people think of him,
they don't think first of the brave
Falklands helicopter pilot.
They think, frankly,
of the poor prince who got messed
about by Fergie.
Who was I kidding?
I was at a crossroads.
I was still a respected
military man.
My screensaver was
the word "Navy", for heaven's sake.
But what was next
for poor old muggins?
PHONE RINGS
Speak.
Sir, the Prime Minister's here
to see you.
About bloody time.
Clear my schedule for the morning.
There's nothing in the schedule.
Prime Minister!
Please, call me Tony.
How are you, Andrew?
Please, call me Your Royal Highness.
Life's tough at the top, eh?
Tell me about it. How's the golf?
Excellent. Playing a seven handicap
these days.
Wowzer.
Perhaps you should be
Prime Minister.
No, no, you're doing fine.
Oh, thanks.
I understand you're about
to retire from the Royal Navy.
What are you going to do next?
Oh, you know, busy, busy,
royal life -
openings and, um...
..and then there's the unveilings,
of course.
Of course. Well, if you have a
moment, how would you feel
about being my government's
new international trade envoy?
I'm sorry?
Well, it's the perfect role
for a seasoned diplomat
with extensive business know-how
and keen entrepreneurial spirit.
But Peter Mandelson seems
to think you could do it too.
What do you say?
# Do you know what you are asking? #
Well, er...
# The man that it is
you are tasking? #
Er, well, yeah.
# The favourite son
of your sovereign queen
# In whose radiance we are
all basking... #
Yeah, and I really think it would
make such
a great use of all your free time.
Free time?!
Hmm.
ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP CHIRPY TUNE
# While sailing the seas I was glad
# Each day a promise
of fresh air and fun
# Retirement is lonely and sad
# Just snoozing and watching
A Place In the Sun
# Idleness serves to compound
my woe
# A prince really needs a portfolio
# This Labour Prime Minister,
though he seems sinister,
# Offers me somewhere
quite new to go... #
And, you know, even though
the role's unpaid,
we're more than happy
to cover your expenses.
# I find his proposal alluring
# The trade deals I'll soon
be securing
# Some would say that my
appointment's unwise
# But what do I lose
if I try it for size?
# Pull on your suit
and pack up your bags
# For a different kind of duty
# Can I speak
just like a businessman?
# "Business, business"
Yes, I can!
# Making connections,
holding receptions
# I'm no sleeping beauty
# I'm a working royal
with a job to do
# So it's time I began... #
Service!
CORK POPS
# Diplomacy can be quite tough
# You eat a big meal
and everyone's nice
# Then making a deal is rough
# My trick's to say yes
and just not know the price
# "British producers
are on their knees!"
# I yell at the Saudis
and Portuguese
# Our trade is declining,
there's no silver lining
# We import disgraceful amounts
of cheese
# But golfing in various nations
# Works wonders
for trading relations
# I'm helping the farmer,
the man in the street
# By skiing with all
the dictators I meet
# Pour out the whisky,
fire up the jet
# For a different kind of duty
# LHR, LAX, JFK
# HRH bringing the PR-tay!
# Daily I stand
and shake every hand
# But by night I shake my booty
# I'm a five-star guest
on a difficult quest
# To promote the UK
# But what's the point of anything?
# I'm busy and happy
and doing my bit
# Am I achieving anything?
# I'm certain back home
no-one thinks I'm a tit
# There's no escape from
the heat death of the universe
# Human endeavour is meaningless
and our existence is perverse
# But if there's a God,
then his purpose for me
# Is to travel around
and to get pissed
# Heaven's a party for billionaires
# And I'm making sure
I'm on the guest list
# The Air Miles are clocking up fast
# I'm piloting Britain
and looping de loop
# But if our success is to last
# I need to befriend
a more prosperous group
# Stelios, Delia, Lord Sug-ar
# Bozos and losers who won't go far
# A prince should be pally
with Murdoch and Gates
# And that fellow from
Virgin that everyone hates
# England expects
and I cannot relax
# Well, good evening to you
# My dear Ms Maxwell! #
TUNE SHIFTS TO SEEDY JAZZ
# Fasten your seat belt,
lower the lights
# For a different kind of duty
# Everything's going so swimmingly
# But why are we now in a minor key?
# Lady Ghislaine is boarding
the plane
# With a friend who's rather fruity
# I will never shy away
from someone new
# As a special envoy,
I've a job to do
# GDP depends on me
# So, sir, it's good to meet... #
Your Royal Highness,
this is Jeffrey.
# You. #
I was back as Britain's trade envoy,
making deals and nailing handshakes.
Can't win 'em all.
I was the nation's saviour - again.
But while my famous charm has always
helped maintain
good relations with the press...
One at a time!
..unbelievably, I was accused of
abusing my position
to jet all over the place.
REPORTER: He's become known as
Air Miles Andy.
I only took private jets
when absolutely necessary.
This private jet is taking
the Duke of York to Newcastle.
Otherwise, everything
was going marvellously.
That is until silly old Sarah
attempted a business deal
of her own.
500,000, when you can, to me...
POP
..open doors.
It would be Prince Andrew? Yeah.
Couldn't she tell it was a set-up?
They agreed to pay half
a million pounds to meet Andrew.
I mean, come on.
Is that a deal? Yeah.
Just cash stuffed into
a briefcase.
So vulgar.
Another donation to one of your
charities, Your Royal Highness.
Oh, goody. Pay it into the bank,
will you?
Very good, sir.
HE SIGHS
My brother's rarely out of
the press these days,
what with his jet-setter lifestyle
and the company he keeps.
REPORTER: Air Miles Andy and his
travel spend
have been controversial
- too costly, say some - for years.
Gallivanting around the world at
the taxpayers' expense.
People expect royals
to be better.
People get angry.
People start revolutions.
ECHOING MOB
THWACK
CHEERING
Not this Charles.
# There's a crown,
I can hear it calling
# Every jewel sends shivers
down my spine
# There's a crown on my head,
it's falling
# To hide my receding hairline
# How dare Fergie
try to sell her access
# For half a million pounds or so?
# Oh, she knew the mess she'd make
# Flogging royals to the sheikh
# And it sucks like John Bryan
sucked her toe
# And then there's Andrew
with that pesky Epstein
# I'm not sure why he makes me
so tense
# In about a year or ten
# He'll be in headlines again
# Hopefully it's only
a minor offence
# Obey, Andrew
# Every fave should still behave
# Obey, Fergie
# Haven't you got all those debts
you should repay?
# Any more dishonesty
# Coming from the monarchy
# I won't get the crown
they promised me
# So I say
# Pull up your socks and obey! #
Sir, Prince Charles!
Sir, Your Highness!
# And talking scandals -
well, I've had my fair share
# And all the papers gave me hell
# I called my Asian friend "Sooty"
# And shook hands with Mugabe
# While wed, I clapped Camilla's
cheeks as well
# Clapped them cheeks
# And I know it isn't easy
# When you're under
constant scrutiny
# Even me, I've got no leg
to stand on
# Cos I said I'd like
to be Camilla's
# Tampon! #
I meant romantically!
# Aah, aah, aah, aah!
# Obey, Fergie
# Don't air our laundry
in the press
# Just obey, Andrew
# No more publicly-funded
private jets
# Can you all collectively
# Just agree to wind
your necks in, please?
# So that I'll fulfil my destiny
# Again, I say
# Pull up your socks and obey
# The crown's so close
# I can almost taste it
# Aah, aah, aah!
# I get one shot to succeed
# I won't let you two waste it
# Aah, aah, aah!
# So before you take
your leave and go
# Is there more that I should know?
# Like when you partied halfway
round the world
# Did it involve any teenage girls?
# If such a story should unfurl... #
Nope.
# Then we're fine
# Farewell, Andrew
# You're just a good boy led astray
# And tell Fergie
# From now on you'll both
# Obey. #
Life, as they say,
comes at one fast.
Prince Andrew? Are you going
to resign, Prince Andrew?
Are you an embarrassment, sir?
One minute I'm in New York,
honourably visiting this chap
in the jacket
to honourably terminate our
friendship over a four-day stay.
There I am,
honourably waving him goodbye.
All of a sudden, there's a
full-blown hoo-ha in the press...
Can you recover from this, sir?
..compelling me to explain myself
to the nation.
Each disclosure threatens
Prince Andrew's position.
Of course, I now realise I made
a terrible mistake.
I should never have spoken
to Emily Maitlis.
Who'd have thought she'd ask me such
confusingly cryptic questions?
Do you regret that trip?
Yes.
Do you regret the whole friendship
with Epstein?
It's a simple question
and a simple answer - yes.
Say yes.
Um, now...
..still not.
And the reason being is
that...that the...
Get me Andrew.
..the people that I met
..and the opportunities
that I was given to learn...
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Prince Andrew's REALLY gone
and fucked it.
BELL TOLLS
DOOR CREAKS
WIND WHISTLES
Hello?
Sit.
I'll do another interview.
Make amends.
You were friends with a paedophile.
You brought a sexual predator
to Balmoral.
You welcomed a vile abuser
into the bosom of the royal family.
How do you turn this damn
thing off?
Charles, please.
Yes, it looks bad.
It's over for you, Andrew.
You're withdrawing from public life.
You will return your military
titles, your royal patronages
and you will stop referring
to yourself as HRH.
What if I say no?
You're being sued
for sexual assault.
I'll fight it.
REPORTER: Britain's Prince Andrew,
who has ended a sexual abuse lawsuit
by agreeing to a reported
multimillion dollar settlement.
It's done. You've settled.
In the future, the monarchy
will be slimmed down,
reined in, respectable.
Nice and boring.
But what about the minor royals?
Gone.
Even Princess Michael of Kent?
What Princess Michael of Kent?
You bastard!
It won't work, you know.
I can't just disappear.
OMINOUS MUSIC STRIKES UP
# We've all read the news today
# Andrew, you will have to pay
# Don't admit that all is lost
# Say I had my fingers crossed
# Why can't you be like Anne?
# No-one's as good as Anne
BOTH: # The bless-ed Anne
# Silence! Obey me!
# How dare you betray me?
# There's no use resisting
# I can't stop existing
# Remove every mention,
distract their attention
# You can't change the fact
that I'm just an extension
# Of you! #
The thing is, Charles, you're always
gonna need an Andrew.
What on earth are you
talking about?
# A-five, six, seven, eight
# Kings and queens used
to be murderers
# Rapists, fanatics and thieves
# But these days
you're all squeaky clean
# Or so everybody believes
# How do you keep us all convinced
# Of your virtue and dignity?
# You've subcontracted
your disgrace
# To minor royals like me
# Maybe there's been errors
of judgment
# And maybe I'm partly to blame
# But I was born to be
the scapegoat
# For all our family shame
# The Palace scowls at my behaviour
# But secretly you need me around
# Who do you want the people hating
# When you're the one being crowned?
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# Every heir needs a ne'er-do-well
# You'll always need
a royal screw-up
# And a shocking royal story
to tell
# Try to see my life in
a broader context
# You'll find I haven't much
to regret
# Cos you're always going to need
an Andrew
# And you haven't heard
the last of me yet
# Birth to earth and womb to tomb
# Our lives must always follow
the plan
# Crush and warp your soul
and spirit
# Cos it's all for the good of
the clan
# Members of the great unwashed
# Demand the monarch always looks
like a saint
# And the rest of us
make that easier
# Cos perfect is something we ain't
# Princess Margaret's
torrid affairs
# Kept the public fascinated
for years
# Lady Diana gave you great drama
# And Meghan gives you plenty
of tears
# Yes, we all loved George VI
# He was a king
everybody could like
# But it's easy to outshine
your brother
# When he's a fan
of the Third Reich
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# Every God needs a Devil to smite
# You'll always need
a royal wrong-un
# To prove you're
the royal who's right
# I have played my part
to complete perfection
# So arguably you owe me a debt
# Cos you're always gonna need
an Andrew
# And you haven't heard
the last of me yet
# Brother, that is utter crap
# And your delusion is a thing
to behold
# You've made your bed
beyond the pale
# And you're never coming back
in the fold
# The things that you're accused of
# They were choices that you made
on your own
# Now let's not mention them again
# Because no-one wants
to lower the tone
# There won't be another Andrew
# Every scandal needs to come
to an end
# There won't be another interview
# And you'll never make another
new friend
# Do the firm a favour
and keep your trap shut
# No-one wants to hear what you say
# I just want the best
for England now
# And we expect you just
to vanish away
# Ay!
# England expects
# Every man will do his duty
# England expects
# This Prince to be contrite
# Could it be our family is a joke
# And that I've become
the punch line?
# No! I'm still Elizabeth's
favourite son
# What lessons have I learned?
# Well, zero - none!
# That's the unexpected moral
that I'm gonna share tonight
# Oh! You're always gonna need
an Andrew.
# And you'll always
need to keep me sweet
# If you never let me face
the witness stand
# Then I'll never need admit defeat
# My time is gonna come round again
# You'll see history is on my side
# You'll realise you couldn't get
rid of Andrew
# And rue the day that you tried
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You haven't heard
the last of me yet
# You're always gonna love an Andrew
# You haven't heard
the last of me yet
# You're always gonna want an Andrew
# You're always gonna find an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew
# You're always gonna need an Andrew
# You're always gonna need
an Andrew. #