Private School (1983) Movie Script

"Her nipples now so erect they
seemed to reach out for him.
"Then in one quick movement,
he took her full inside his mouth."
Listen to this.
Hey, guys, wait for me.
Hi, Sharon. Hi, Jan.
Come on, hurry up.
We're gonna miss them.
They're gonna be
dressed already. Come on!
"Never had she wanted a man this much.
"Her longing swelled
from deep inside her."
Come on, Bubba, I
can't hold you forever!
Come on, Bubba, we can't
hold you much longer!
Hey! Oh, Bubba.
I got... I got one!
That way. Move it, chump. That way!
Move it. Move it.
Come on, get over that way.
Move it, get over there.
"She felt as if she'd been pierced to
the very soul by a bolt of lightning."
Betsy, listen to this.
"And then, just then, he
raised himself up above her
"and plunged his fullness
into her waiting..."
Can you believe this?
Hello, Chrissie, darling.
Hi, Jordan.
Is anything wrong?
Quick, she's going into the room.
- Not at all.
I just can't get
dressed for the big event
till my roommate finishes
ironing my blouse!
Well, do you wanna
borrow something of mine?
You can't be serious.
I mean, that's very sweet of you,
Chrissie, but I couldn't possibly.
Tell me, do you have any
of that gaudy nail polish?
I wanna do my toes.
I just don't feel dressed
till my toes are done.
What's this color called?
Naked pink.
Look at her picture.
Hey, Bubba, you all right?
Thanks for the nail polish, Chrissie.
Where you going?
To the stables.
She's given us so much horseshit,
it's only fair we give some back.
Christine Ramsay makes me sick.
If I have to spend one more
night watching her and Jim Green
slobber all over each other,
I think I'm gonna scream.
It sounds like maybe
you're a little jealous.
I could have Jim in a minute!
That's some big horse.
Oh, God. Excuse me.
Oh, gross, Betsy, that stinks!
It sure does.
You've gotta let me light it.
You've gotta let me light it.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
This is embarrassing. Just try this.
Come on.
Do you wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance?
Good evening.
For those of you who
do not know who I am,
I am the headmistress here at
Cherryvale, Prudence Dutchbok.
Good old Miss Douchebag!
I would like to take this opportunity
to welcome some very special guests.
The outstanding ladies of the
Cherryvale Building Committee.
A round of applause.
Largely due to their generosity,
we will soon have our new wing.
I would also like to
welcome our neighbors,
the young men from the
Freemount Academy for Men.
And now, all you boys and girls
have a grand and glorious time.
Would it be like that?
Like in that book, I mean?
Oh, no, of course not.
It wouldn't?
No, I mean, it would be.
It would be just exactly like the book.
Well, okay, then,
maybe we should try it.
Do you really wanna do it? All right!
Look, Chris, this isn't something
you just jump into, you know?
I mean, I wouldn't want you to do anything
you're not totally ready for or anything.
What do you mean?
Well, it's just that it's such
a big step and everything and...
I love you, Jim.
I love you, too, Chris.
You're perfect, you know that?
Yeah, I guess I am.
I'm telling you. The closer
he gets the bigger it gets.
Peter, this is Miss Birdie Fallmouth.
Hello, Peter.
And next is Christian, Miss Fallmouth.
Aren't any of you young
gentlemen going to stand up?
Your name?
Oh, I'm Roy, ma'am.
Hi, Roy.
And this is Bubba Beauregard.
Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
She's such a nothing.
I absolutely don't understand
what he sees in her.
I'd like to see you get
a guy as good as Jim.
Why not Jim?
You couldn't. He's in love with Chris.
Chris is no competition.
Tomorrow in riding class
I begin my campaign.
Coach Whelan, may I see you a moment?
I wonder if you would
keep an eye on our girls
while I show the ladies the
drawings of the new wing?
Certainly, Miss Dutchbok.
Good, good, good.
Ladies? I think these drawings
will take your breath away.
Young man!
Illegal use of the hands.
Right this way to my office, ladies.
Hey, Douchebag's office.
And the new wing.
Douchebag Hall.
I have to warn you, I like a lot of,
whatchamacallit, foreplay.
Is that enough?
I guess so.
And now, ladies, if you
will. My office. Come, please.
The marvelous renderings of the new
wing, which in your generosity and...
Good morning, girls, and attention.
This is Miss Dutchbok speaking.
And you know the morning exercises...
Good afternoon, class.
I know how much you've
been looking forward
to today's lessons of the
mechanics of sexual intercourse.
Too many people are
embarrassed or ashamed
about the very natural
act of sexual intercourse.
Come right in.
Go right ahead with your
class, Miss Copuletta.
We'll just stand here for a tiny moment.
Yes, of course, Miss
Dutchbok. Thank you.
Now then, during sexual intercourse,
the male undergoes
certain biological changes
which cause his organ to become erect.
Now, after a short length of time, the
male organ releases its fertile cargo...
Thank you very much, Miss
Copuletta. That was very stimulating.
Come, ladies, let's
... Let's go to lunch.
We have a lovely lunch in the
cafeteria. We're having chicken.
Miss Copuletta?
Which do you think is the
most important in a penis,
length or width?
Well, I don't think that we have
the time to get into that today.
What, is she kidding?
I mean, we don't have the
time today to talk about that.
Now, we are going to see a short film
called The Tadpole and His Community.
Rita, take care of the blinds, please.
Hello, Hotel D'Amour? I'd
like to make a weekend, please.
I mean, I'd like to reserve a
reservation for a weekend in your hotel.
A week from Friday.
It's Mrs. Christine Rams... Jones.
No, not Rams-Jones, just Jones.
What if they wanna see your
driver's license or something?
Listen, it seems that I was wrong
about the name. It's not Jones, it's ...
Should I use my name or his? Yours.
Ramsay. Mrs. Christine... His. Use his!
Ramsay is my married name and
Green is my professional name.
Jones was my mother's maiden name.
But, I'm a graphic designer
and I really am married,
so that's pretty much my story. Goodbye.
How was I?
I made the reservation at the Hotel
D'Amour. The weekend after next.
That's where my parents
stayed on their honeymoon.
God, this is gonna be
wonderful. So perfect.
Don't you think?
Don't you?
Of course I do. Why do you say that?
It just seemed like you were
beginning to have some doubts.
Me? Doubts? What, are you kidding me?
Well, that's good, at least
one of us won't be nervous.
Nervous? What's there
to be nervous about?
Oh, oh, no! Oh! Do you see what I see?
Jordan, dear.
Go get her, Bubba!
That is the finest example of
bareback riding I've ever seen.
I'll get them. I'll get them.
No, really, I'll go in and buy them.
But up till now you've done
everything. Now it's my turn, all right?
I suppose I'd say, "I'd just
like to buy some condoms"?
Well, be a little bit
more sophisticated.
Yep, it is fabulous.
It's called Fountain of Truth,
and you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm just gonna do one half of your face
so you can see the incredible difference.
It just relaxes those
years right off your face.
Now let that dry for a few minutes
and I'll be right with you. Okay?
Hello there, young fella! Hi.
What can I do you for today?
I'd like to buy some
prophylactic devices.
Now that is what I like to hear.
You know what they say,
"An ounce of prevention..."
You know, most young people today
are too careless about their bodies.
Well, what type of prophylaxis
did you have in mind?
What... What, what type?
Well, yeah, we have the ones
with the little rubber tip
for getting in the hard-to-reach
areas, and we have the stimulators,
and we have my personal favorite
which possesses marvelous
prophylactic qualities.
All you do is insert the tip
of a toothpick into the end
and she's ready to work for you. Yep.
And, of course, we also
carry the full line of flosses
and picks and the bristle brushes
in the various degrees of stiffness.
Did your dentist recommend
anything in particular?
My dentist? Yep. Your dentist.
Did you get them?
What the hell is this stuff?
He... He misunderstood me and
it was too much trouble to...
I'll do it.
Absolutely magnificent.
And you can really feel
it working, can't you?
You know what? Let's let
this little bit in here
dry a little bit more and I'll
be with you in two seconds.
Well, hello, young lady.
What can I help you with today?
I'd like to buy some condoms.
Yeah. Well, let's see.
We have these on sale this week.
This is three dozen for
$5.99. I'll take them.
However, I don't know if I'd trust them.
They've been on the
shelf for quite some time.
Now, we have this new product here.
These are multicolored and ribbed.
Oh, that'll be just fine.
No, I don't think so.
I don't think you'd want
anything that tawdry, do you?
No, no, or do you? No.
No. No, what you want is
something really reliable, huh?
Yeah. Yep.
Well, I have sold literally miles and miles
of these and I've never had any complaints.
Now, does he like them pre-lubricated?
Your husband. These are for
your husband, aren't they?
Yes, for my husband.
They're definitely for my husband,
and we're both definitely married!
And does he like them
pre-lubricated, then?
Yeah, I'll take them.
Get this stuff off my face!
Miss Dutchbok. Good
afternoon, Miss Dutchbok.
Good afternoon, Christine.
You probably wonder what I'm
doing here... I don't really care!
...buying these very
things for my father.
Actually they're not
for my father, they're...
Fine! But don't you have homework
to do back at school, Christine?
Yes, I do. I do have lots of homework
and I'll just be paying for these vitamins
here and going on my way. Thank you.
You know, green really is your color.
Hey, did you win one yet?
So you're finally gonna get into
Chris' pants. I can't believe it.
Hey, scumbag, don't talk
about Chris like that.
Oh, our James doesn't approve of
your vocabulary, do you, James?
No, he's right, Roy. I'm sorry, Jim.
Perhaps I should've said, have
you given her a hot beef injection?
You guys are animals! Get out of here!
Hey, big boy. Think you're
man enough to score with me?
Damn right! Hey, guys!
I have to be in bed early tonight.
Don't worry, honey, you will be.
Oh, don't touch me there! It's not fair!
Hey, Jim, I'm doing better than you.
Oh, oh, yes, yes.
I did it! I scored!
I got into her pants!
Yeah, that's about as close as
you're ever gonna get to nookie.
Hey, Mr. Big, I thought you
were gonna call Chrissie.
You wouldn't want her to cancel
her de-virginization, would you?
I'm sure not gonna call
her in front of you nerds.
Oh, why not?
Is Jimsie-wimsy afraid to talk his baby
talk in front of Roysy-woysy and Bubba-wubba?
I'm not afraid to do anything.
He's afraid. Mmm-hmm.
Get off it! Well, if you're
not afraid, then call.
Go ahead. Hey, here's a
dime. There's the phone. Call.
Five bucks says you're chicken.
Do you have five bucks?
Go on.
Well, go on, chicken.
You guys make one sound, I'm gonna hang
up and beat the shit out of both of you.
Chris, hi.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, Jim, what are you doing?
You know, hanging out.
Hanging out.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just sitting around.
I've been thinking about you.
I've been thinking about you, too.
You have? What have you been thinking?
This is great. I gotta take some of
this down so I can use it for myself.
I've been thinking a
lot about our weekend.
Oh, weekend.
You have? What have you
been thinking about it?
Oh, lots of stuff. You know,
like how much fun it's gonna be.
What else? How great it'll be.
Mmm-hmm. What else?
Well, lots of stuff like that.
Do you still love me? Sure.
Well, then, let me hear you say it.
No, not right now.
Why not?
Because... Oh, come on,
let me hear you say it.
No. Why not?
Because you're afraid
to let anybody hear you.
No, that's not true.
Then say it.
All right. I love you.
And I love you, too, Jimbo.
What happened? Jordan
was on the extension!
I love you.
Hey, big boy, think you're
man enough to score with me?
I am if Bubba is.
Oops, sorry, tonight
I have to wash my hair.
What? Oh, Jim.
Do you think I'm doing the
right thing, with Jim, I mean?
I guess I'm kind of scared.
Bets, have you ever really
done it, all the way?
Well, yes and no.
What do you mean, "Yes
and no"? Don't you know?
Bubba says we did it once and that
it was very good for both of us.
But I was passed out. I
don't remember a thing.
Well, it's not gonna be like that
for me. What else does Bubba say?
He says that I had three orgasms.
That I begged him for mercy and that I
said I've never seen a man so well endowed.
Well, is he? Is he what?
Is he well endowed?
I don't really know.
I mean, not firsthand. Just
from what Bubba tells me.
Jordan thinks that length is
most important, what do you think?
I think width. Why width?
Because Jordan thinks length.
All right, girls, let's get a move
on. We're gonna be late for practice.
Who slammed?
Hey, Jordan, how's it going?
Who slammed? Cut it
out with the slamming!
Hut! Only a floater, Jim.
We go deep, make a play.
Okay. All right, let's see it.
All right!
First we're gonna give
them cheer number 69.
"Rickety rackety."
All right, girls? All right.
What's so funny?
Keep your eye on the coach and Rita.
Oh, I think we might be
seeing a little more of them.
Rickety rackety shanty town
Who's gonna keep those Trojans down?
Nobody, nobody, nobody
Oh, Bet!
This is it!
This is the last straw.
I don't know which of you is
responsible for this shocking debacle!
I don't care.
You're all confined to
campus for the next week!
But we... Silence!
If you don't deserve
punishment, I'm sure each of you
will think of something you have
done to deserve it in the past.
But Miss Dutchbok, I didn't do
anything... Now, now, now, Jordan, dear,
I'm doing this for your own good.
You'll thank me for it in future years.
Run along, dear.
Coach Whelan, pull yourself together.
Oh, dear.
Here, drink this, it'll do you good.
Oh, no, I couldn't
possibly. I don't drink.
Alcohol is poison to the body.
Oh, don't be silly.
Consumed in moderation, alcohol
is perfectly harmless. Watch.
There you are, dear. Mmm-hmm.
I'll be back soon, Bertha, but
you stay here as long as you like.
Very soon I will forget
all about this morning.
Thank you, Miss Dutchbok.
By tomorrow we'll have
forgotten all of this.
Where'd you get all this stuff, anyway?
My brother J.D. left it
to me when he graduated.
Your brother?
Get up!
If we get caught, we're gonna get
expelled. I don't wanna get expelled.
Look, you only go around once in life
and you gotta grab for
all the nookie you can get.
It's embarrassing. The girl's desperate,
she's got the bathroom packed with
all these smelly and large things.
And she does enough
pushups to make you look...
I've got to get a new roommate.
I think Betsy's room
is over here, darling.
Hi. Hi.
Sugar. I don't believe we've met.
I'm Jordan Leigh-Jensen. Hi.
Oh, we're unknown visitors here.
My older sister's Christine Ramsay.
Mine's Betsy Newhouse.
Yes, there is a family resemblance.
Well, your sister's
room is right in here.
But my sister!
Your sister's at the library.
She'll be back any minute.
Bubba, what are you doing here?
But my sister.
Make yourself at home.
Can I get you anything?
No. Really, I don't wanna be any bother.
Oh, don't be silly. You're no bother.
Excuse me.
Miss! Miss! Miss!
You know, I'm so overheated.
These workouts really do me in.
Want some?
Well, I am feeling a little warm myself.
Oh, I'll take care of that.
You know, you seem like the kind of
girl that's had some experience with men.
Tell me, can you see any reason
why men wouldn't like my legs?
Well, what's wrong with me,
then? Why don't men go for me?
Feel my calf.
Go ahead, feel it. Go ahead, feel it.
Well, what do you think?
Tight as a drum, right?
No cellulite in the upper thighs, right?
None that I can see. No.
What is it, then?
Why am I so unattractive to men?
I know! My breasts!
Would you call these breasts firm?
Or do you think they're saggy?
Firm. Definitely firm.
Are you sure? Are you really sure?
Why don't you feel them?
Is something wrong?
Wrong? Oh, no.
It's just that it's so hot in here.
Yeah, we have that problem
with the heat all the time.
Let me see if I can make
it a little cooler for you.
George Washington.
So, what are we talking about?
Excuse me. I... I don't
suppose that you...
I didn't think so.
I'm just not in the
mood right now, Bubba.
Not in the mood? You're not in the mood?
I risked my life sneaking in to
see you and you're not in the mood?
Okay, okay. But just remember,
I like a lot of foreplay.
Go ahead and start without me.
Where you going?
Where am I going?
I'm going to the bathroom,
of course, to have a smoke.
In Europe, they smoke
before instead of after.
It's the latest thing.
Oh, I got a cramp. Help! Help!
Help, help!
Be a doll, will you? Grab
that bottle of love oil.
You sleazebag!
Oh, hi there, Betsy. I was just...
Yeah, I know that you
were just, you pervert!
Oh, that feels so much better.
There's just one spot
that's still a little tight.
Down just a little.
That's perfect.
Let me turn over now so
you can do the other side.
No! Jordan, I don't think I can do that!
Oh, how thoughtless of me!
Your hands must be tired.
I know, I'll massage you.
No, no, Jordan!
Yes? Please! I have
to tell you something.
Yes? I'm not really a girl.
Jordan! Jordan, please, don't scream!
I never meant for this to
happen! Jim? Is that you?
How could you deceive me?
He snuck into my room
and took advantage of me!
You tricked me into taking my clothes
off just so you could see me naked!
What's going on? I don't know.
I wonder what he was doing in there.
What happened?
It was unbelievable.
Yeah, yeah, tell me, tell me.
Come on. He must be an 11, right?
Two 11s, unbelievable.
Miss Douchebag, get rid of it.
Oh, good evening, girls.
Good evening, ma'am.
Oh, there's nothing as fine
as a sauna before bedtime.
Oh, God.
So good for the respiratory
system, don't you find?
Yes. Oh, yes.
Highly good for the lungs.
If I don't get out of here soon,
I'm gonna end up the size of a prune.
Coach! I'm okay.
Listen to me... Perfectly okay.
Let me help you.
I got enough help from you this
afternoon to last me a lifetime.
Let me take you to my room,
all right? You can sleep it off.
Okay, here we are.
Is this my room?
Yep, come on.
Oh, miss? Miss!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Betsy, I'm sorry. I was an
animal. Do you forgive me or what?
Oh, I get it, the old
silent treatment, huh?
Well, let me see how we can fix that.
Hey Jim, where's the old pizzazz?
The old pizzazz? Where's
the old pizzazz? Oh, yeah.
Come on, you've got
the hottest girl here
chasing after you and you're depressed?
Why don't you just forget dumb
old Chris and give Jordan a chance?
I don't ever wanna hear you say
anything bad about Chris again!
Okay, okay.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know. Something about Chris.
Why, Jim, I didn't expect to see
you here today. How you doing, son?
Not too good, actually, Mr. Ramsay.
It's Chris. We had a misunderstanding.
It's all my fault, but Chris
won't even talk to me now.
Well, Chris has a mind
of her own, you know that.
But I'll put in a good
word for you, if you like.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Ramsay.
Thank you very much.
Good morning, we're delighted to
welcome you to Parents Day at Cherryvale.
Refreshments are now
being served at the pool,
and a full schedule of activities
has been planned for your enjoyment.
Here you go, Daddy.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Give me another one of these,
would you? Are you sure?
Oh, I don't have to tell you, Coach
Whelan, how vital today's Parents Day is
to the economic future of Cherryvale.
Yes, Miss Dutchbok. That's right.
Oh, which reminds me, dear, excuse me.
Jordan. Jordan, dear.
Yes, Miss Dutchbok?
I'm so eager to meet your father,
but it is getting rather late, dear.
Late? Miss Dutchbok, my
father is always late.
My father likes to be late
so he can make an entrance.
Ah, well, if he doesn't arrive soon,
I'll just run up to the parking area
to make sure he hasn't lost his way.
Whatever you say.
You look so nice, dear.
She's not gonna like me. I know it.
Jordan loves all her new
mommies, and you're no exception.
Come on, what does little Bambi-wambi
say to the dreat big drowly bear?
I wove you.
No more baby talk!
Chauncey is watching.
Chauncey, drive!
Stand aside, young
man! Make way! Make way!
Dad, you remember my roommate, Jordan?
Very pleased to see
you again, Mr. Flugel.
Jordan, little Jordan.
You and Rita have been so close, I
just feel like a second Daddy to you.
Yes, ma'am. You just think of yourself
as Frank Flugel's little girl anytime.
Isn't that right, Rita?
Oh! Stop, Mr. Flugel!
Oh, what's going on here?
I'm giving Bubba another chance.
After what he did?
What the hell? Maybe you
should give Jim a break, too.
Come on, you didn't give up
those hotel reservations, did you?
See, look at it this way.
I'm gonna forgive Bubba.
Compared to Bubba, Jim's a saint.
Compared to Bubba, anybody's a saint.
Nice driving, Chauncey.
Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, sir.
Come on, check it out!
I got this one.
Make way, gentlemen, please! We won't
be needing any assistance this afternoon!
Get out of the way!
Let me get it.
Don't touch the car, please.
Jordan. Daddy!
You are as beautiful as ever.
Oh, I want you to meet
Bambi, your new stepmother.
How do you do?
What happened to the last one, Mrs.
Lawrence Leigh-Jensen number seven?
Now, now, Jordan, let's not
behave like a cross child.
We're all here to have fun.
We wanna meet all your friends.
Oh, where is that lovely Miss Dutchbok
whom I've been corresponding with?
Yeah. Good.
Hey, sweetheart, what class are you in?
I'm not in any class.
I'm a teacher here.
Oh, so what do you teach?
Sex education.
Sex education.
Sex education? That's
my favorite subject!
All right. Here, right here. Right here.
Here you go. Here you go.
Well, back, back, back,
back, I'll handle this now.
My dear, I need to
give you some help here.
Back up, back up.
I think she's gonna be all right.
I guess we should talk.
Nothing happened between
me and Jordan. I love you.
Hello! Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Welcome. Welcome to Cherryvale.
I'm Miss Prudence Dutchbok.
And I've already guessed who you are.
Oh, yes, Jordan speaks of you ceaselessly.
She's so proud of her father,
and your kind letters and
continued support of Cherryvale.
I think you're a remarkable man.
Mademoiselle, you are far too kind.
Oh, I hope you'll allow me to give
you a personal tour of the school.
Well, I can think of nothing
that I would like better.
Oh, I know you're interested in
seeing the sights of the new wing.
Unfortunately, we...
It's been difficult raising funds
for the construction beginning, but...
Well, now, let's not
go another step further.
Oh, dear, I seem to have
left my checkbook in the car.
Would you mind accompanying me
back to the car, Miss Dutchbok?
Oh, I'd love it, and
please call me Prudence.
Very well, Prudence.
I don't want to take up too much
of your time, Mr. Leigh-Jensen.
May I call you Mr. Leigh-Jensen?
If you wish.
I'm sure Jordan will
be anxious to see you.
She's probably wondering where you are.
Don't worry. No one is
gonna find us in here.
Try this.
Oh. Oh.
Oh! What are you doing?
Does it displease you? Dutchbok.
It doesn't displease me that much.
But do you suppose while you're doing that,
my darling, you could write that check?
Well, of course I could, darling.
Here, here, let me help
you with these buttons.
These buttons? Yes, they're so binding.
I wouldn't want anything to bind you.
I'll take care of the buttons,
you take care of the check.
As you wish, dearest.
Damn. What is it?
I've dropped my pen.
Oh, I'll get it... Oh!
Forgive me, Prudence.
A rash impulse. I couldn't resist.
No need to apologize.
The check, dearest?
Oh, yes, yes, of course. Damn!
The pen? No, no, the check.
I've dropped the check.
Well, let me. Oh, oh, stop that!
Stop! Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't!
Oh, my God, use both hands!
But I need one to write the check.
Oh, forget the goddamn
check! Use both hands!
Do you like it like this? Oh, yes!
Yes! Don't be so gentle!
How about this? Yes! Yes!
And this? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Something
strange is happening here.
There's nothing strange about two people
trying to give each other pleasure,
no matter how bizarre the means. I know!
And by the way, if you're turned on
to rubber garments, I happen to have...
Oh, shut up, you fool!
Our voices! It's almost
as if they're amplified!
Oh, you, miserable...
You, you bit me!
I didn't like you at first,
and I don't like you now!
Wait! Wait!
You bad, bad, bad boy! Let me out!
What do you want me to do? I don't care!
You can't do a damn thing!
Never, never, never, never, never!
Let the boy go!
I never liked you, either!
Holy shit.
Whose car is this?
Hey, Bubba!
Home, take me home!
Was that my car?
What did I do? You hit
the emergency brake!
I'm sorry. Get your
paws off my derrire.
Hey, hey. Hey.
How's it going?
Okay, you two, have a really great
time. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Blow in her ear. It
really gets broads hot.
Thanks for the advice, Bubba.
Pinch her boobs. It'll drive her crazy.
Great. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
Okay, read me the
current spread. Let's see.
All right. The odds against you
getting her into the dorm are 2-to-1.
Now, if you do get her there,
the odds against you getting any
of her clothes off are 4-to-1.
It's 7-to-1 against
you getting her top off.
Piece of cake, Roy, piece of cake.
But it's 9-to-1 against you
getting any actual bare tit!
It's 12-to-1 against you
getting down to her panties.
And 15-to-1 against you
getting her mother-ass naked.
22-to-1 against you scoring
in any way, shape or form!
I'm gonna be rich!
Hello, can I speak to
Jordan Leigh-Jensen, please?
Hello, Jordan? This is Bubba.
Nice place.
Yeah, nice.
How long ago did you say
your parents stayed here?
Twenty-three years
ago, on their honeymoon.
May I help you?
I'm the graphic designer.
Excuse me?
I called you on the phone.
I made a reservation on
the phone. Do you remember?
And what name did you give?
Well, what name do you have?
Excuse me?
What I believe my wife is trying to say
is that she telephoned about a week ago.
The name is Green.
Green. Green. No, no, I'm
afraid I have no Mr. Green.
It might be under Ramsay.
Ramsay, Ramsay, Ramsay.
Or possibly Jones.
Jones, Jones. Ah, yes, here we
are. Mr. and Mrs. Rams-Jones.
The honeymoon suite.
There's late-night
entertainment in our piano bar.
Of course, you have your world
famous sunsets on the D'Amour beach.
And for a slight additional charge,
the Jacuzzi and the tennis courts.
Well, here we are.
Is this the honeymoon suite?
They're all honeymoon
suites since the remodeling.
And I hope that you
have a pleasant stay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, sir.
You could tape them together.
Well, so what do you think?
It's nice. It's very nice.
I wonder if this is anything
like when Mom and Dad stayed here.
Wow, look at this.
Hey, pretty fancy, huh?
This tub looks like it
could hold both of us.
I mean, if we wanted it to.
Look at this view.
Someone's at the door.
So what?
Relax, will you? Who's there?
Some complimentary pink
champagne, Mr. Rams-Jones.
Hey, thank you.
Well, okay. Okay, enjoy it.
Thank you.
Wow, complimentary champagne.
This must've cost a mint.
What's wrong?
Oh, there aren't any glasses.
Well, we can drink out of the
plastic ones in the bathroom.
No, don't be silly.
I'll call room service. I'm dying
to give that guy a tip again.
Is that her?
I can't believe it! You
actually got her here.
What'd I tell you, numbnuts?
Okay. I got another 10 bucks says
you get her top off but no bare tit.
You're on. Okay, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
How are we supposed to
know how far you get?
Yeah, you don't expect us to
take his word for it, do you?
Good as gold. The man's word
is as good as gold. Trust me.
Bubba's told the truth every
time! Hold it! I'll tell you what.
You get in the closet with Roy,
the rest of you assholes, out.
Hey, he gets to watch and not us.
You in on this with Bubba and Roy?
Sam, every time he... Hold up here!
I don't give a rat's ass which one
of you is in the closet with Roy,
but I want the rest of you out of here
by the time I get back with Jordan.
All right, gentlemen, last call.
Here we go! 4-to-1 clothes off.
7-to-1 top off.
12-to-1 panties down.
22-to-1 score
city. Who's in?
10 on panties!
Don't even mention it. I'd
do anything for that guy.
But I'll tell you, Jordan,
if he weren't my best buddy,
I'd have to put the
old moves on you myself.
Really, now? But what about Betsy?
Betsy? Betsy's an amusing girl,
but she and I are just good friends.
I got you both down.
Well, that's Jim's side. I'm over here.
What do you think? Marvelous.
Oh, surely you didn't
do all this yourself?
Well, I guess some of the
guys in the dorm helped out.
So, how's about a drink?
When's Jim gonna get here?
Any minute. Any minute.
You just make yourself
comfortable. Take off your shoes!
Or any other tight, binding
articles of clothing.
And I'll mix you that drink.
What's wrong? Wrong? Nothing. Nothing.
You'll have to excuse me, Jordan.
It's just I'm not used to receiving
female visitors in my room.
And I must be a tad nervous.
Nervous, Bubba, you of all people?
It's just that, well...
Being here alone with
you in this room...
I feel that my loyalty
to Jim might be, well,
It isn't perfect. It just isn't.
And I'm not feeling romantic
like I thought I would.
You're not?
Well, what are you feeling?
Well, Chris, this is just what I need.
What? Nothing.
No, what was it you said? Nothing.
Listen, I'm sorry you're not feeling
romantic, Chris. I'm feeling romantic.
You are?
I mean, look at this place.
It's the most romantic
place I've ever seen.
Like this bed. Have you ever
slept in a vibrating bed before?
No, but vibrating beds...
Have you ever had pink
champagne, and a red fur rug
and a knight in shining
armor standing by your bed?
No. Well, all right.
So here we are in the most
romantic place in the world,
and here you are with the
most romantic guy in the world.
Take me.
Take me and do with me
what you will. Ravage me.
Are you feeling
romantic now, my darling?
What I'm feeling is drunk and scared.
And like I'm gonna toss
my cookies any second.
And after our summer, she
begged me to stay, but...
That was Paris.
Look, Bubba, I'm getting really
sick of waiting for your friend.
Jordan, just a little
longer. For Jim's sake.
Come on, this is
ridiculous! I'm gonna go!
Wait! Wait!
Now, Jim bought a bottle of
vintage champagne just for tonight.
He'd never forgive me if I let you go
without at least trying some. Please?
Red champagne?
The finest money can buy.
Just wait till you try this stuff.
Oh, I'm ... Look what you've done!
My clothes are ruined!
Take them off! All of them!
Take them off and soak them.
I'll get you a towel.
Got one!
Give me that! Do you have
any soda water? Soda water?
To take the stains out!
I'll go see if we have any.
So tell me, Jordan,
would you like to dance?
Oh, Betsy. What a great surprise.
I was just thinking about you.
Oh, yeah? I'm sure.
What in the world is going...
I suppose you two know each other?
What the hell are you doing here?
I came here to meet Jim, if
it's any of your business.
Is that right? You expected Jim to
leave Chris at the Hotel D'Amour?
No! The Hotel D'Amour?
That's right. They left hours ago.
Jim is at the Hotel D'Amour with Chris?
I can't believe this!
I spent all night in this pigsty
with you drinking after-shave cologne!
Listening to your boring stories
about what a big lover you are!
Where're my clothes?
Your clothes?
Where're my clothes?
How am I gonna go out like this?
Oh, thanks.
Now, come on, girls. Can't you take
a joke? I mean, come on, it's funny!
All right, come
on. 15-to-1.
All right.
Come on. All right, Sam.
Hi, there.
I couldn't find you. I got worried.
I behaved like a real jerk.
So did I.
I love you, Chris.
I know. I love you, too.
I guess this just wasn't it.
Wasn't what?
The right time, the right
place, the right anything.
I tried so hard to pretend that it was.
It just wasn't.
It was just, I don't know, like, too...
God, I'm glad you said that.
I was afraid that you liked it.
Really? I was afraid you liked it.
I never could love anybody
more than I love you, Chris.
Oh, Jim.
I can't believe you made me
late to my own graduation.
Now, Jordan, your father
doesn't get married every day.
Just about every other day.
Yes, Miss Copuletta. I mean, Mother.
Chauncey, stay with the car this time.
But, of course, Mr. Leigh-Jensen.
I always stay close to the car.
Parents, faculty, honored guests.
Welcome to the 86th Commencement
Exercises of Cherryvale Academy.
Well, the year is finally at an end.
It has been a long, hard struggle
but, girls, we've pulled together,
and now you have finally
completed your studies.
I see your teachers aglow with the
satisfaction of a job well done.
I see...
I see...
Your parents, secure in the knowledge
that their daughters have
received the very best.
And, you graduates, I see your joy.
The justifiable pride
in your accomplishments.
The excitement as you go
forward into your futures.
You've blossomed from
awkward adolescence
into the full bloom of young womanhood.
But with this joy comes
a tug at the throat.
A tiny sorrow.
A tender nostalgia.
Hey, watch it, man!
I can remember my own
days here as a student.
And certainly, on a day like today,
comes a wide array of varied emotions.
In future years, you'll
reflect upon your years here
and remember them, I am certain,
as the happiest time of your life.
What of my own feelings?
Well, we have had our ups and downs,
but I shall miss your shining faces,
even as you go forth to
fulfill your bright promise.
And now I shall yield the
floor to Miss Newhouse,
who, for reasons I don't
pretend to understand,
has been elected to make the farewell
remarks on behalf of the graduates.
Sunny days. Sunny days.
Thank you, Miss Dutchbok.
On behalf of the
entire graduating class,
I'd like to thank you for
all you've done for us.
No, you won't be seeing
our shining faces anymore.
Here's something you can
always remember us by.
Ready, girls?
Graduation, Cherryvale!
You won't forget us soon!
Sunny days ahead of us!
We leave behind this moon!
Way to go!