Producers, The (2005) Movie Script

- Opening night
- Opening night
It's opening night
It's Max Bialystock's latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open
They're on their way
Let's hear what they have to say
He's done it again
He's done it again
Max Bialystock has done it again
We can't believe it
You can't conceive it
How'd he achieve it?
It's the worst show in town
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There's no denying
It's the worst show in town
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss
We've seen shit
But never like this
Max Bialystock has done it again
The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin'
What he did to Shak espeare
Booth did to Lincoln
We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.
We couldn't leave faster
What a disaster
We are still in shock
Who produced this schlock?
That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock
What a bum
Mr. Bialystock?
Anybody here?
Mr. Bialystock?
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
What do you want?
Speak to me, dummy. Speak!
Why don't you speak?
Scared. Can't talk.
All right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold
of yourself. Come with me.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, right this way.
Watch your step.
Look, just...
Take a deep breath.
Let it out slowly.
- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom.
I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks...
...and I've come to do your books.
- Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen...
- Who is it?
- Hold Me- Touch Me.
Hold Me- Touch Me.
One of my backers.
Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.
Do me a big favour,
go to the bathroom.
- But I don't have to go.
- Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.
Be with you in a moment,
my darling.
Hold Me- Touch Me.
Where is Hold Me- Touch Me?
Kiss Me- Feel Me,
Clinch Me- Pinch Me...
...Lick Me- Bite Me, Suck Me...
Here she is. Hold Me- Touch Me.
You know, it worked.
As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...
...I didn't have any trouble at all...
- Back. Back. Don't make a sound.
Coming. Coming.
Hello, gorgeous.
- Hold me, touch me.
- As soon as I shut the door.
Did you bring the checkie?
Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.
Here you go.
But first,
can we please play a game?
One dirty little game.
All right, my little sex kitten.
What shall we play?
The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
- Oh, no.
- No.
How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?
You like that one, mama,
keeps you limber.
I know.
Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid
and the Well-Hung Stableboy.
I don't think I have the strength.
- Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
- All right.
Oh, dear...
...this milk is so heavy.
I'll never reach the house.
You there, well-hung stableboy.
Won't you please help me?
Of course, my little dairy queen.
First I'll take your milk.
Then I shall take your virginity!
No! No! Never! Never!
Yes. Yes.
Give it to me, well-hung!
Give it to me.
Darling, wait,
I haven't even had coffee yet.
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- Oh, my God.
Send me to the moon, you animal.
Send me to the moon.
Yes. Yes, my darling.
Thursday. Come back Thursday.
I'll send you to the moon Thursday.
I may even join you.
But first, the checkie.
Where's the checkie?
Come on, come on, find the checkie.
Here you go.
I made it out, like you told me,
to the title of the play:
- Cash.
- Yes.
That's a funny name
for a play, Cash.
Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.
I'll see you Thursday.
- Bye.
- Bye. Bye.
Yes, yes, yes.
You dirty old buzzard.
May I come out of the bathroom now,
Mr. Bialystock?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'm terribly sorry I caught you...
...feeling up the old lady.
- " Feeling up the old lady."
Thank you, Mr. Tact.
- May I take your coat?
- Oh, thank you.
So you're an accountant, huh?
- Yes, sir. I am, sir.
- Then account for yourself!
Why are you looking up little
old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?
I know what you're thinking.
How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts.
- Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn...
- Shut up!
I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
- Do you know who I used to be?
- Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...
...the king of Broadway.
- No, I'm Max Bialy... That's right.
- That's right.
- And might I say, Mr. Bialystock...
And please don't take this
the wrong way...
...but you're not just a dirty old man.
- Thank you.
Oh, you're also
a great Broadway producer.
And there's something about me
you should know.
When I was a kid...
...I had the good fortune
to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.
- Oh, Bialy-Hoos.
- Yes.
And I still have the ticket stub.
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.
And ever since,
I've had a secret desire... be a Broadway producer.
A secret desire, huh?
- Kid, can I give you some advice?
- Yes, sir.
Keep it a secret.
Do the books, please.
Top drawer, to the left.
Oh, my God.
Will you look at that.
That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?
- A minute?
- Yes.
- Just one minute?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- In glancing at your books...
- Go! You have 58 seconds left.
...I noticed that in the column...
- You're gonna time it?
- Time is money.
I looked at your books and the
columns marked "monies received."
- And I can't make the figures work out.
- Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.
- There's a problem with your figures.
- Twenty-eight. Running out of time.
- Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
- I cannot...
- Fifteen seconds.
- I cannot... I can't function.
- I cannot function in these conditions.
- Five, four, three, two, one.
You're making me
extremely nervous.
What is that, a handkerchief?
What? This? No, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?
My blanket. My blue blanket!
Give me back my blue blanket!
Give me my blanket! Give it to me.
Give it to me. Give me the blanket.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Here, here, here.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I don't like anyone
touching my blue blanket.
It's not important,
it's a minor compulsion.
I can deal with it if I want to.
But I've had it ever since I was a baby,
and I find it very comforting.
I need to lie down for a minute now.
They come here. They all come here.
How do they find me?
Hey, kid. Hey.
Look at this.
How can I help you?
- What's wrong?
- You're gonna jump on me.
- What?
- You're gonna jump on me.
I know you're gonna jump on me
and squash me like a bug.
- Oh, God.
- Please, don't jump on me!
I'm not gonna jump on you!
I'm not gonna jump on you!
Get ahold of yourself!
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop! Calm down!
Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
- What's the matter now?
- I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.
I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
I can see that.
All right. All right, calm down.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.
I'm wet!
I'm wet.
I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
I'm in pain.
I'm in pain, I'm wet...
...and I'm still hysterical.
All right, all right. What can I do?
You're getting me hysterical.
Move away, you frighten me.
- You're too close.
- I frighten you?
Yes, get over there and stop
touching... Move over there! Sit down.
I'm sitting, I'm sitting.
You still look angry.
I'm sorry. How's this?
Who's my little accountant?
Who's my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?
- Are you my little accountant?
- I am.
Yes, you are.
Well, thank you for smiling.
That helped a great deal.
Well, you know what they say:
"Smile and the world smiles
with you."
This man should be
in a straightjacket.
- You feeling better?
- Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.
- Good.
- May I speak to you?
Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?
Well, this is hardly
the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.
I've discovered a serious error... the accounts of your last show,
Funny Boy.
- Where? What?
- Well, according to the backers list... raised $100,000.
But your show only cost 98,000.
There's 2000 unaccounted for.
I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares?
The show was a flop.
Bloom, do me a favour...
...move a few decimal points around.
You can do it, you're an accountant.
You're part of a noble profession.
The word "count" is part of your title.
- That's cheating.
- It's not cheating.
It's charity.
Bloom... see this stickpin?
This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.
I used to wear handmade
Italian shoes, $500 suits.
And look at me now.
Look at me now!
I'm wearing a cardboard belt.
Bloom, you gotta save me.
I'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.
Help me.
All right. All right.
Okay, I'll do it.
- Really?
- Yes, I'll do it.
See, $2000 isn't so much.
I'm sure I can hide it someplace.
After all, the IRS isn't interested
in a show that flopped.
Right. Good thinking.
You figure it out.
I'm gonna take a little nap.
Now, let's see.
Let's see, if we add up
these deductions, we get...
Carry the three, divide by four...
It's absolutely amazing, but...
...under the right circumstances...
...a producer could
make more money with a flop...
...than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible. If he were
certain that a show would fail...
...a man could make a fortune.
- Yes?
- Yes, what?
- What you were saying. Keep talking.
- What was I saying?
You were saying that a producer...
...could make more money
with a flop than a hit.
Well, yes. It's quite possible.
You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.
Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.
Let's assume for a moment
that you are a dishonest man.
Assume away.
All right. When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy... raised $2000
more than you needed.
But you could've raised a million...
...put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.
- But what if my show was a hit?
- Then you would go to jail.
See, rather than 100 percent
of the show... would've sold
more than 1000 percent.
So if the show's a success,
there's no way to pay off the backers.
- Get it?
- Got it.
So in order for our scheme to work,
we'd have to find a sure- fire flop.
"Our scheme"? What scheme?
What scheme?
Your scheme,
you bloody little genius.
I meant no scheme. I merely posed
a little academic accounting theory.
- It was just a thought.
- Bloom...
...worlds are turned
on such thoughts.
Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
It's so simple.
Step one,
we find the worst play ever written.
Step two,
we hire the worst director in town.
- Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.
- Two?
Yes, one for me, one for you. There's
a lot of little old ladies out there.
Step four, we hire the worst actors
in New York and open on Broadway.
And before you can say "step five,"
we close on Broadway...
...take our 2 million and go to Rio.
Rio? That'd never work.
Oh, ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything look ed bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled
Toward Everest's peak?
What did Washington say
To his troops
As they crossed the Delaware?
I'm sure you're well aware
What'd they say?
We can do it
We can do it
We can do it
Me and you
We can do it
We can do it
We can make our dreams come true
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had
Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls
Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.
Hear me out. Just think about it.
We can do it
We can do it
This is not the time to shirk
We can do it
You won't rue it
Say goodbye to petty clerk
Hi, producer
Yes, producer
I mean you, sir
Go berserk
We can do it
We can do it
And I know it's gonna work
What do you say, Bloom?
What do I say?
Finally, a chance to be
A Broadway producer
What do I say?
Finally, a chance to mak e
My dreams come true, sir
What do I say?
What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir
I can't do it
I can't do it
I can't do it
That's not me
I'm a loser
I'm a coward
I'm a chick en
Don't you see?
When it comes to wooing women
There's a few things that I lack
Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls
Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
Why, you miserable, cowardly,
wretched little caterpillar.
Don't you ever wanna become
a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?
- Where to?
- Central Park.
Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.
- We can do it
- Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song
You've got me wrong
I'll say "so long"
I'm not as strong a person
As you think
Mr. Bialystock, just take a look
I'm not a crook
- Drink champagne, not ginger ale
- I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink
- Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?
- I can't do it
You see Rio, I see jail
Driver, stop.
- We can do it
- I can't do it
- We can do it
- I can't do it
- We can do it
- I can't do it
- We can do it
- I can't do it
- We can do it
- I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it
'Cause I know it's gonna fail
Fail? How could it miss?
All you need is a little courage.
Bloom, you know what you are?
You're like a...
You're like a...
You're like a fountain waiting
to explode and shoot into the sky!
- I'm a fountain?
- Yes, you're a fountain!
Don't you realize? There's a lot more
to you than there is to you.
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.
You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.
I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.
- Goodbye forever.
- Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.
Think about it. You'll never get a cab
at this hour! Bloom.
Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...
...I want that money!
Very unhappy
Very, very, very, very, very
Very, very unhappy
Where the hell have you been?
You are six minutes late.
This is an accounting firm...
...not a country club.
You can't come and go as you please.
- Yes, Mr. Marks.
- Remember, you're a nobody.
A PA. A public accountant.
And I am a CPA.
A certified public accountant.
A rank a miserable little worm like
yourself could never hope to achieve.
Yes, Mr. Marks.
Thank you for speaking to me.
You're welcome.
What are you gawking at?
You never saw a person
humiliated before?
Now, get back to work. All of you!
Very, very, very, very
Very, very, very unhappy
I spend my life accounting
- With figures and such
- Unhappy
To what is my life amounting?
- It figures, not much
- Unhappy
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a producer
With a hit show on Broadway
I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi's every day
I want to be a producer
Sport a top hat and a cane
I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane
I wanna be a producer
And sleep until half past 2
I wanna be a producer
And say, "You, you, you..."
Not you.
I wanna be a producer
Wear a tux on opening night
I wanna be a producer
And see my name, Leo Bloom
In lights
He wants to be a producer
Of a great big Broadway smash
He wants to be a producer
Every pock et stuffed with cash
He wants to be a producer
Pinch our cheeks till we cry
He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch
- I wanna be
- He wants to be
- I wanna be
- He wants to be
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous producer
In the world
He's gotta dine
With a duchess and a duk e
I just got to be a producer
Drink champagne until I puk e
- Drink champagne till he puk es
- I wanna be a producer
Show the world just what I got
I'm gonna put on shows
That will enthral them
Read my name in Winchell's column
I wanna be a producer
- 'Cause it's everything I'm not
- Unhappy
- I wanna be a producer
- Very, very unhappy
- Unhappy
- I wanna be a produce...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold everything.
Hold everything!
What am I doing here?
Mr. Bialystock was right.
There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.
Stop the world, I wanna get on!
What the hell is going on in here?
Do I smell the revolting stench
of self-esteem?
where do you think you're going?
You've already had
your toilet break.
I'm not going into the toilet.
I'm going into show business.
And, Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!
And you were right about one thing,
you are a CPA.
- A certified public asshole!
- Hooray!
Here's my visor... Dixon Ticonderoga
number 2 pencil...
...and my big finish!
I'm gonna be a producer
He's gonna be a producer
- Look out, Broadway
- Look out, Broadway
'Cause here I come
Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.
I'm back! I'm back.
I've changed my mind.
Boy, you are good.
- Who are you talking to?
- Never mind, just an old friend.
- What happened?
- Oh, just this...
Just this: When I said that I was
scared that I was gonna go to jail...
...I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.
I've spent my life counting
other people's money.
People I'm smarter than...
...better than.
When's Leopold Bloom
gonna get his share?
When's it gonna be Bloom's day?
I want... I want...
I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.
And, Leo, you're gonna have it.
- We can do it, we can do it
- I'm gonna be a producer
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
- With your brilliance, my resilience
- I'm gonna be a producer
- Up together we will zoom
- Up together we will zoom
- We can do it, we can do it
- We can do it, we can do it
Every show I touch I doom
- We were fated
- We were fated
- To be mated
- To be mated
- We're Bialystock and Bloom
- We're Bialystock and Bloom
Oh, Max...
Oh, Max, let's give up.
I can't read anymore.
- How many plays can a person read?
- Stop complaining.
We have to find the worst play
ever written.
- I've been reading all night.
- Who cares?
You wanna be a producer, read,
read. Keep reading.
Here's one.
Act I, scene one.
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning
to discover...
...that he had been transformed
into a giant cockroach."
No, too good.
" But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted."
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've read this before.
I think I've read this one before.
What's it called? What's it called?
The Frosted Glass.
Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.
I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.
Let's face it, we'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.
Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.
Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.
It's the mother lode.
- What is it? You found a flop?
- A flop.
That's putting it mildly.
This is a catastrophe.
A disaster certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds and religions.
A guaranteed- to-close- in-one- night
- Well, let's see it.
- Here.
"Springtime for Hitler...
...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf
at Berchtesgaden."
Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God" is right.
It's practically a love letter to Hitler.
- Max, this won't run a week.
- A week? Are you kidding?
This play has got to close
on page four.
What's the author's name again?
" Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,
New York, New York."
Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.
Let's go. We'll get the Broadway
rights to Springtime for Hitler...
...even if we have to go so far
as to pay him.
- Come on.
- This other hat, Max...
...may I wear it?
- No, you may not.
- Why?
Because that
is a Broadway producer's hat.
You don't get to wear
a Broadway producer's hat, son...
...until you're a Broadway producer.
And you're not
a Broadway producer until...
I know, I know. Until I've produced
a show on Broadway.
But I'm going to wear that hat,
and soon too, because...
We're gonna be the producers
Of a great big Broadway flop
Ja, ja, my Lieblings.
Let me grab you here.
We have work to do.
Hilda, my darling. Here, I have
written an important message...
...which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf.
...Buenos Aires, Argentina.
As quick as possible.
Fly, Hilda. Fly!
Hilda, where are you going?
Argentina's that way!
Okay, chow time.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Goes right into your belly.
It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting this is our man.
Max, he's wearing a German helmet
and lederhosen.
Yeah, I know. Don't notice them.
Don't notice anything.
Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.
Franz Liebkind?
I was never a member
of the Nazi Party!
I only followed orders.
I had nothing to do with the war.
I didn't even know
there was a war on.
We lived in the back...
...right across from Switzerland.
All we ever heard was yodelling.
- Who are you?!
- Relax.
Mr. Liebkind,
we're not from the government.
We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom... to talk to you about your play.
- My play?
You mean Springtime for...
- That's the one.
- What about it?
- We love it. Don't we love it?
- We think it's a masterpiece.
- We want to put it on Broadway.
Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.
Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.
- I must tell my birds.
- Tell your birds.
Otto, Bertha, Heinz,
Heidi, Wolfgang...
Do you hear?
We are finally going to clear
the Fhrer's name.
You know,
not many people know this...
...but the Fhrer was a terrific dancer.
- Really?
- We didn't know that, did we, Leo?
- No, no, we sure didn't.
That's because you were taken in
by the BBC!
Filthy British lies!
But did they ever say a bad word
about Winston Churchill?
With his cigars, with his brandy
and his rotten paintings.
There was a painter.
He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon.
Two coats.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind.
And that is exactly why
we wanna produce your play.
Show the world the true Hitler.
The Hitler you loved...
...the Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.
Here, Franz Liebkind.
Sign here...
...and make your dream a reality.
- No.
- That's what "nein" means.
First you must prove to me
that you believe as I believe... joining with me and singing and
dancing the Fhrer's favourite tune:
" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
I know.
- " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"?
- " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
No. I could never sing
the Fhrer's favourite...
Delighted. Delighted.
- Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.
All right. First you will roll up
your pants.
- Rolling?
- Rolling.
- Don't be stingy. Show some leg.
- Alrighty.
- Good.
- Good.
- Key of E?
- Is there any other?
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Ach, du lieber
Und oh, boy
Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
Ach, du lieber
What a joy
Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trink en
Tanzen und trink en
Until we get stinkin'
- Everybody!
- Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Guten Tag
Mein lieber Schatz
So we hop our hops
Und we clop our clops
Und we drink our Schnaps
Till we platz
You will sway?
We will sway.
Follow me.
Very good.
Whatever you say.
This is a tricky one
Oh, the Hop-Clop.
It's been so long!
Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
Gentlemen, you may
produce my play.
Excellent. Excellent.
Here we are. Here.
But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.
The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?
A pledge of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Fhrer.
...took that oath before.
One for me, one for you,
und one for you.
Never... Had one of those on before.
Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.
- Nice colours.
Oh, look, reversible.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- Max.
Max, we never
should have started this.
I think we're getting in too deep.
Too deep? This is nothing.
I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.
All right.
First, you will raise
your right forefinger...
...und repeat after me.
I solemnly swear...
- I solemnly swear...
- I solemnly swear... obey the sacred Siegfried Oath. obey the sacred Siegfried Oath. obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
- Und...
- Und...
...never, never, never...
...never, never, never...
...never, never, never...
...dishonour the spirit und the memory
of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
...dishonour the spirit und the...
...dishonour the spirit und the...
- Elizabeth?
- Elizabeth?
Ja, that was his middle name.
Not many people know this...
...but the Fhrer was descended
from a long line of English queens.
Is that right?
- Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
- Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
- Good. Now I sign your contract.
- Excellent! Excellent.
Here we are, sir.
Right here on the dotted line.
There you are.
You shall never regret this.
So thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty, then.
Thank you.
Let it go. Let it go.
I forgot to tell you.
The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath... dess.
" Dess"?
Is that anything like "death"?
Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...
...we'll iron out all these
thorny details over strudel.
Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go...
We're trapped! Trapped!
Got it.
Let's have lunch.
What nice guys.
I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.
Hello, the living room of
renowned theatrical director...
...Roger DeBris' elegant
Upper East Side townhouse...
...on a sunny Tuesday
afternoon in June.
Who may I say is calling?
Listen, you broken- down
old queen...
...he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.
- Don't ever call here again.
- Who was that?
Wrong number.
Well, hi there.
I'm Max Bialystock and this
is my associate, Mr. Bloom.
We have an appointment
with renowned theatrical director...
...Roger DeBris.
- Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.
- Please. Yes.
- Thank you.
I am Carmen Ghia...
...Mr. DeBris'
common-law assistant.
You are expected.
May I take your hat, your coat
and your swastikas?
Oh, these. We... We...
We just came from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.
- You didn't tell me we had those on?
- I didn't notice them.
- You told me to look straight ahead.
- Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?
Oh, Roger.
We're not alone.
Here's Roger.
- Max, he's wearing a dress.
- No kidding.
Roger, good to see you again.
Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,
I presume?
Forgive the pun.
- What pun?
- Shut up. He thinks he's witty.
Roger, may I say you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
By the way, Max, darling,
we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?
Worshipped it.
To be or not to be
You mean a lot to me
- Showstopper!
- Fabulous.
Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.
- Well, I was...
- I should explain.
I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.
There is a prize for best costume.
- We always win.
- I'm not so sure about this year.
I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia...
...but I think I look more like
the Chrysler Building.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, without
your wig on, you're only half dressed.
Well, then,
why don't you go and get it...
...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.
If your intention...
...was to shoot an arrow
through my heart...
...bull's- eye!
Oh, Roger, let's face it,
that building is you.
Listen, I know we sent it to you
only this morning...
...but did you read
Springtime for Hitler?
Read it? I devoured it.
And I find it remarkable.
I feel it is a very important piece,
drenched with historical goodies.
I, for one, for instance,
never realized that the Third Reich...
...meant Germany.
Yeah, how about that.
Then you'll do it?
Do it? Of course not. It's not my
kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.
World War II?
Too dark, too depressing.
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more
What's the word?
- Gay?
- Exactly.
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, k eep it bright
Keep it gay
Whether it's murder
Mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay
People want laughter
When they see a show
The last thing they're after is
A litany of woe
A happy ending
Will pep up your play
Oedipus won't bomb
If he winds up with Mom
- Keep it gay
- Keep it gay
- Keep it gay
- Keep it gay
Couldn't agree more.
And you have our blessings,
Roger... make Springtime for Hitler just
as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So come on, do it for us. Please.
I'm sorry, Max.
It's simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair.
I should ask my production team
what they think.
Your production team,
who are they?
You'll see. They all live here.
Guys! Come say hello
to Bialystock and Bloom!
This is my set designer, Brian.
Keep it mad, k eep it glad
Keep it gay
- Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
- Hello.
Keep it happy, k eep it snappy
Keep it gay
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
That everything's perfect
For Mr. DeBris
Scott, my choreographer.
Hi there.
And, finally, last and least... lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Now, they all just read Springtime.
What did you think of it, fellas?
- It needs glamour
- And glitz
- It needs sequins
- And tits
Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.
Go say something nice to Roger.
I think he likes you.
- But, Max...
- Go on. It's just show biz.
Mr. DeBris. Roger.
Roger, actually,
I think your gown is very stunning.
Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.
What is that enchanting
cologne you're wearing?
Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
You mean that smell is you?
Oh, God.
If I could bottle you, I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.
Oh, Max.
Max, we never should've started this.
- I think we're getting in too deep.
- Too deep? This is nothing.
I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.
And so the rule is
When mounting a play
Keep it funny
Keep it sunny
Keep it gay
- What should we do?
- Relax. Watch this.
Roger, l...
I think that Springtime for Hitler would
be a marvellous opportunity for you.
I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with...
Dare I say it? ...frivolous musicals.
You're right.
I've often felt as though...
...l've been throwing my life away
on silly entertainments.
Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.
Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,
kick, turn.
- Roger.
- It's enough to make you heave.
Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just
couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.
- Why not? Think of the respect.
- No.
- Think of the prestige.
- No, no, no.
Think of the Tony!
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
- What's the matter?
- Is he all right?
- He's having a stroke.
- What?
- Of genius!
- I see it at last.
The chance
to do something important.
Roger DeBris presents
Of course that second act
has to be rewritten.
They're losing the war? Excuse me,
that's too downbeat.
Roger DeBris presents
But maybe...
It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.
A line
Of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers
Each one a gem
With leather boots
And whips on their hips
- It's risqu, dare I say, S & M
- Love it!
I see German soldiers
Dancing through France
Played by chorus boys
In very tight pants
And wait, there's more
They'll win the war
And the dances they do
Will be daring and new
Turn, turn, kick, turn.
One, two, three, kick, turn.
Keep it sassy, k eep it classy
Keep it...
That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger...
...when I say you are the only man
in the world...
...who could do justice to
Springtime for Hitler.
- Will you do it, please?
- Please.
Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.
It might affect the course of my life.
I shall have to think about it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it
Sabu, champagne!
If at the end
You want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello
Or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Comedy's joyous
A constant delight
Dramas annoy us
And ruin our night
So k eep your Strindbergs
And Ibsens at bay
- I'll sign
- Sign
- Sign
- Sign
- Sign
- Sign
Roger Elizabeth DeBris.
Keep it gay
- Conga!
- Everybody!
And so the rule is
When mounting a play
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Stop it.
Keep it gay
Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show ever written...
...and a signed contract
with the worst director who ever lived.
We're in business.
And what a business.
In the same day,
I'm taking the Siegfried Oath...
...and dancing the conga
with a cop, a sailor...
...and an extremely friendly
Cherokee Indian.
Yeah. Oh, well.
It's not easy
being a Broadway producer.
But together we'll make it.
Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...
...and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.
Nothing or no one, Max.
- Come in.
- Come in.
Bialystock and Bloom?
- What?
- Oh, excuse me.
Casting today?
- Cahstink? Cahstink?
- Cahstink?
- Casting!
- Casting.
No, no, no, miss.
We're not casting yet.
We don't even know when
we're beginning rehearsals...
Yes, we just started
casting today. Yes.
- We're casting?
- Yes. Yes, we're casting.
If you don't mind,
just once in my life...
...l'd like to see somebody
on that couch who's under 85.
What's your name, my dear?
My name is Ulla Inga...
...Hansen Benson Yonsen
Tallen- Hallen Svaden Svanson.
Wait. Wait.
What's your first name?
That was my first name.
You wanna hear my last name?
We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.
Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?
- Ulla sing and dance.
- Oh, yeah?
- You want Ulla make audition?
- Oh, no, miss.
- That won't be nece...
- Yes, it is " nece."
Extremely nece.
Please. Please make audition.
Make audition all over the office.
- What are you going to sing?
- Well...
...yesterday when I was stepping out
of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...
...a crazy man
yelled something out the window...
...that inspired me to write this song.
When you got it
Flaunt it
Step right up and strut your stuff
People tell you modesty's a virtue
But in the theatre
Modesty can hurt you
When you got it
Flaunt it
Show your assets
Let 'em know you're proud
Your goodies you must push
Stick your chest out
Shake your tush
When you got it
Shout it out loud
Now Ulla dance.
When you got it
Show it
Put your hidden treasures
On display
Violinists love to play an E string
But audiences really love a G-string
When you got it
Shout it
Let the whole world hear
What you're about
Clothes may make the man
All a girl needs is a tan
When you got it
Let it hang out
- Remember when Ulla dance?
- Yeah.
Ulla dance again.
Ulla dance again!
When I was just a little girl
In Sweden
My thoughtful mother
Gave me this advice
If nature blesses you
From top to bottom
Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice
Now Ulla belt.
Don't think twice!
When you got it
Share it
Let the public feast
Upon your charms
People say that being prim
Is proper
But every showgirl knows
That prim will stop her
When you got it
Give it
Don't be selfish
Give it all away
Don't be shy
Be bold and cute
Show the boys your birthday suit
When you got it
If you got it
Once you got it
Shout out
Okey- dokey.
You like it?
Like... Like it?
I want you to know, my dear,
that even though we're sitting down...
...we're giving you
a standing ovation.
She's in the show.
Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know
if there's a part for her in the show.
Would you excuse us, my dear?
Nonsense, Bloom.
do I have to teach you everything?
There is always a part
for the producer's girlfriend.
But we don't even know
when we're starting rehearsal yet.
So what? So what?
We're producers, aren't we?
So until she goes into the show,
she can work for us here.
Because we need...
Nay, deserve to have ourselves a...
Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous
Swedish secretary/receptionist.
But, Max, a secretary who doesn't
speak English? What will people say?
They'll say:
Offer her the job, please?
Just a moment, miss.
We might have a position for you.
As a matter of fact, we might
have several positions for you.
Until the show gets going...
...we can offer you a job here
as a secretary/receptionist.
I can do that.
Answer telephone.
Bialystock and Bloom.
Bialystock and Bloom.
Smart as a whip.
You're hired!
Well... Well, all right. If he says so,
I don't have a...
And maybe you can tidy up
around here a little bit too.
Tidy up? Tidy up.
Such a funny word.
What means "tidy up"?
- You know, clean.
- Make look nice.
- Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.
- Very good.
What time can you be here
in the morning?
Well, Ulla wake up every morning,
From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.
From to 7 to 8,
Ulla like to take long shower.
From to 8 to 9, Ulla like
to have big Swedish breakfast.
Many different herrings.
From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.
And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.
What time should I get here?
- Eleven.
- Eleven.
Good. Ulla will come at 11.
Ulla will come at 11.
God bless America!
God bless Sweden.
Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.
The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
I've never felt this way before.
It's like a volcano erupting
inside of me... hot lava rising higher
and higher and...
What is that, Max?
What is it?
It's called an erection.
It's either that or malaria.
But don't worry,
they have shots for everything now.
Come here,
I want to show you something.
- What do you see?
- Nothing.
Exactly. But now that we've got
our sure- fire flop...'s gonna be our job
to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.
Two million?
Gee, how much do we put in?
How much...?
How much do we put in?
...the two cardinal rules
of being a Broadway producer...
...are one, never put
your own money in the show.
And two?
Never put your own money
in the show!
- Get it?
- Got it.
- Good.
- So how do we raise the money?
How? I'll tell you how.
From my investors.
Hundreds of little old ladies...
...all looking to Max Bialystock for one
last thrill on their way to the cemetery.
So in the days to come, Bloom,
you shall see very little of me.
And right now,
I'd like to see very little of you.
Scram while I get myself ready.
For Max Bialystock
is about to launch himself...
...into little- old-lady land.
The time has come
To be a lover from the Argentine
To slick my hair down
With brilliantine
And gargle heavily
With Listerine
It's time for Max
To put his back ers on their backs
And thrill them with amazing acts
Those aging nymphomaniacs
They were helpless
They were hopeless
Then along came Bialy
They were joyless
They were boy-less
Then along came Bialy
They're my angels
I'm their devil
And I k eep those embers aglow
When I woos 'em
I can't lose 'em
'Cause I cast my spell
And they start yellin'
"Fire down below!"
So romantic
They were frantic
Then their prayers were heard
Up above
Heaven sent them
Their Bialy
I'm the celebration of love
Who is it? Who is it?
It's Max Bialystock.
Fire down below!
We were listing
We were sinking
Then along came Bialy
We were desperate
We were drinking
- Then along came Bialy
- Who's your daddy?
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard
Up above
It's Bialy
Hey, Bialy
He's the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
He's the celebration of love
Thank you.
Bloom! Bloom!
What, Max? What?
I've done it. I've done it,
I've raised the 2 million.
Now all we have to do is put on
the biggest flop in history.
That's great!
We can't miss
I gotta make the next payment
on the theatre by 3:00 or else...
Sorry, wrong office.
Bialystock. Bloom.
Max. Leo.
- Ulla?
- Ulla?
What happened to the office?
Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."
Tidy "oop"?
How did you find the time
to do all this?
- I skip lunch.
- Of course you did.
- Very nice.
- She skipped lunch.
Almost 3.
That payment to the Shuberts.
I'll get the cash from the safe.
You make sure
all those contracts are signed.
Yes, Max.
She painted over the numbers.
Hello, boys.
Nobody knows
what I went through to get you.
Ulla knows.
You had to shtupp
every little old lady in New York.
That's right. That's right.
And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.
Work, work, work. Work, work, work.
So, Mr. Bloom.
We are all alone.
Yes, we are, aren't we?
Why Bloom go so far camera right?
Bloom no like Ulla?
Ulla like Bloom.
Bloom like Ulla, all right.
- Maybe a little too much.
- Good.
I'm glad.
Why Bloom need blue blanket?
Oh, it's not important.
It's just a minor compulsion.
It's that I've...
I've had it ever since
I was a baby, and I...
You're a little too close.
The urge to merge
Can rob us of our senses
The need to breed
Can make a man a drone
We must be on alert
With our defences
For every skirt will test
So knowing this
I severed all connection
With any creature
Sporting silk or lace
I was firmly headed
In the right direction
When suddenly I stumbled on
That face
That face
That face
That dangerous face
I mustn't be unwise
Those lips
That nose
Those eyes
Could lead to my demise
That face
That face
That marvellous face
I never should begin
Those cheeks
That neck
That chin
Will surely do me in
I must be smart
And hide my heart
If she's within a mile
If I don't duck
I'm out of luck
She'd kill me with her smile
That face
That face
That fabulous face
It's clear I must beware
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it
For that face
Bloom help Ulla down?
All right. Bloom help Ulla down.
That face
That face
That lovable face
It melts my Swedish heart
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it
For that face
Again! Arabesque, prepare...
...pirouette and twirl.
And goose step, goose step...
...waltz-clog and kick. Again!
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl.
And goose step, goose step,
waltz-clog and kick! Again!
Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!
- Halt!
- Halt.
- Halt!
- Halt!
- This is bedlam! Bedlam!
- This is bedlam! Bedlam!
Shut up!
We must have some order here.
Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait off-stage right...
...and all the singing Hitlers
off-stage left.
Get that way.
call in a singing Hitler, please.
Yes, darling... Roger.
"Jacques LaPidus."
"Jacques LaPidus."
"Jack Lapidus."
Well, Jack, what are you
going to sing for us?
I would like to sing
"A Wandering Minstrel I."
If you must.
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and
- Thank you!
- Patches
Next, please.
" Donald Dinsmore."
Well, Donald, if we...
Well, Donald, l...
- Hi, how are you?
- That's all right, Donald.
Hello. Yes.
Now, what are you
going to sing for us, friend?
I'd like to sing
"The Little Wooden Boy."
Thank you.
"Jason Green."
Well, Jason,
what have you been up to lately?
For the last 16 years, I have been
touring in No No Nietzsche.
- You played Nietzsche?
- No, no.
What are you gonna sing for us?
" Have You Ever Heard
the German Band?"
- No.
- That is the name of the song...
...I am going to sing.
Play it, please.
Speed it up.
Haben Sie gehrt
Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Oh, haben Sie gehrt...
Halt! Halt!
Halt! No, no, no.
This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.
The Fhrer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.
The Fhrer was butch!
And that is not how you sing...
..." Haben Sie gehrt
das deutsche Band?"
This is how you sing " Haben Sie
gehrt das deutsche Band?"
B-flat. Two-two time!
Modulate at the bridge!
Haben Sie gehrt
Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Oh, haben Sie gehrt
Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Russian folk songs
Und French ooh-la-la
Can't compare
With the German oom-pah-pah
We're saying
Haben Sie gehrt
Das deutsche Band?
Mit a zetz
Mit a zap
Mit a zing
Polish polkas
They're stupid und they're rotten
It don't mean a thing
If it ain't got that
Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten
Key change!
We're saying
Haben Sie gehrt
Das deutsche Band?
Mit a zetz
Mit a zap
Mit a zing
It's the only kind of music
That we Hans und our honeys
Love to sing
That's our Hitler!
Have your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready.
This way, please.
This way, please.
Take your seats.
Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.
- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Mr. Bloom.
- Oh, Mr. Bloom.
- You look so handsome.
- Thank you.
Leo, who said
you could wear that hat?
Nobody, Max. But I thought now that
I'm the producer of a Broadway show...
- Has the curtain gone up yet?
- No.
- Has the curtain come down yet?
- No.
Then you're not a producer yet.
Give me that hat.
Mr. Bloom! Leo.
Your tie is all askew.
Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.
Have a good show.
Roll them in the aisles.
Okey- dokey.
I will try to.
But there's just so many of them.
Gee, I thought we were partners,
sharing everything 50-50.
Now I'm out in the cold, and you two
are busy askewing each other.
Askewing? Never, Max.
Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.
Gunter, you will pick me up back here
right after the curtain.
Oh, God, will they love us?
Will they hate us?
The suspense is killing me.
I know.
I feel like I'm going into labour.
Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom.
Well, gentlemen, merde.
And I just wanna
wish everybody good luck.
- What? What did you say?
- Bite your tongue.
Well, what's the matter?
All I said was "good luck."
- He said it again.
- Hasn't anyone ever told you?
It's bad luck to say "good luck"
On opening night
If you do
I tell you
It is certain by the curtain
You are through
Good luck.
It's bad luck to say "good luck"
On opening night
Once it's said
You are dead
You will get the worst reviews
You ever read
Good luck.
Even at the Comdie Franaise
On the opening night
They are scared
"Bonne chance, mes amis"
No one says
- The only word you'll ever hear is
- Merde
Good luck, good luck, good luck.
It's verboten
Wishing luck on opening night
Take advice
Don't think twice
Or your show will surely end up
In the Scheiss
At the famous La Scala in Milan
On opening night it's a rule
"Al bocca lupo," they say with lan
And just for luck they all shout
- "Vaffanculo"
- I got it
Now I'll never say "good luck"
On opening night
That's the rule
I'm no fool
What do I say, I beg?
What you say is "break a leg"
- Break a leg?
- Yeah.
- Break a leg.
- Break a leg.
If you're clever
Good luck.
You'll endeav our
To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say
On opening night
Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up in five minutes.
I'm late. I must run!
- Break a leg!
- Break a leg!
Franz, what happened?
I broke my leg.
Now we'll have to cancel the show
and give everyone their money back.
Money back?
Money back?
Money back.
Don't ever say that again.
Money back?
We gotta think of something else.
But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.
You're right. What are we gonna do?
There must be a way out.
If I could only think of something.
Some way. Some...
Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you. You could play Hitler.
You know every line in the show.
I've seen you at rehearsal, always
moving your lips along with the actors.
It's an embarrassing habit.
I'm trying to break myself of it.
But me play Hitler? No!
There's no way I could go on tonight.
I don't have the strength.
I don't have the courage.
I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!
- Wow, that hurt.
- Roger.
Listen to me.
You can do it.
You know you can do it,
and I know you can do it.
You've been waiting all your lifetime
for this chance.
And I'm not gonna let you
pass it up.
You're going out there a silly,
hysterical, screaming queen.
But you're coming back
a great big...
Broadway star.
All right. You're right.
I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!
I've got to get into makeup.
Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.
And, oh! My lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.
Got it!
Leo, the overture.
Let's go.
- Max.
- What?
This is it!
- Good luck, Leo.
- Good luck, Max.
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader
To restore its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We look ed around
And then we found
The man for you and me
And now it's
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out
Here comes the master race
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland's a fine land once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We're going on tour
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Look, it's springtime
Winter for Poland and France
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Come on, Germans
Go into your dance
I was born in Dsseldorf
And that is why they call me Rolf
Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi Party
Well, I never!
Talk about bad taste.
Come on, let's get out of here
before they kill us.
The Fhrer is coming
The Fhrer is coming
The Fhrer is coming
- Heil Hitler
- Heil Hitler
Heil Hitler
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Heil Hitler
Heil myself
Heil to me
I'm the Kraut who's out
To change our history
Heil myself
Raise your hand
There's no greater dictator
In the land
- Everything I do, I do for you
- Yes, you do
If you're looking for a war
Here's World War II
Heil myself
Raise your beer
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
Stand and cheer
Heil myself
Heil myself
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
Stand and cheer
He's so cute
Let's give a salute and heil
Heil myself
I love you.
I was just a paperhanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Fhrer
Germany was blue
Oh, what, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland's smiling through
Oh, it ain't no mystery
If it's politics or history
The thing you gotta know is
Everything is show biz
Heil myself
Watch my show
I'm the German Ethel Merman
Don't you know?
We are crossing borders
The New World Order is here
Make a great big smile
Everyone "Sieg Heil" to me
Wonderful me
And now it's springtime
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
- Goose step
- Goose step's the new step today
Bombs falling from the skies again
Deutschland is on the rise again
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U- boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
- Means that
- Soon we'll be going
- We've got to be going
- You know we'll be going
You bet we'll be going
You know we'll be going
To war
"A satiric masterpiece."
No way out.
"A surprise smash."
No way out.
" It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting...
...and I loved every minute of it."
No way out!
How could this happen?
We picked the wrong play,
the wrong director, the wrong cast.
Where did we go right?
" Congratulations."
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking these books...
...and I'm leaving.
Don't try and stop me.
I've made up my mind.
Wait. Where do you think
you're going?
I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.
I'm going to play ball with the IRS.
I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.
They'll reduce my sentence,
there's time off for good behaviour.
Maybe I'll get a job
in the prison library.
Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice working with you.
Leo. Leo. Leo.
Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.
Take it easy, all right?
You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.
You're acting out of panic.
Give me those frigging books!
Give me!
- Give me! Give me! Give me!
- I never should've listened to you.
I was an honest man
before I met you.
An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!
- Give me. Give me.
- How I hate you!
Double! Double! Double!
Fat! Fat!
I'm not that fat.
You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus.
Give me the fat books!
- Never, never!
- Fat, fat, fatty, fat!
- Oh, Jesus!
- Give them to me!
Give me the books!
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations!
- Give it to me! Give it to me!
- No! No!
- Give it to me! Give it to me!
- No! No!
Now, that's what I call celebrating.
You. You lousy fruit.
- You ruined me.
- You ungrateful breeder.
After he stepped in and saved
your little show, I cannot... My chains!
- Leave him alone!
- My Italian chains! My chains!
You have broken the Siegfried Oath.
You must die. You all must die!
What are you doing,
you neo- Nazi nitwit?
- Your show's a hit.
- Who cares?
You made a fool out of Hitler.
- He didn't need our help.
- He didn't need our help.
Stand still! How can I shoot you
if you keep moving?
Get back here!
Under the desk! Under the desk!
- Darling, quick, back in the closet.
- Okay.
This is no good.
I'm not killing anybody.
You must cooperate!
All right, Bialystock und Bloom.
Now I got you.
Say your prayers!
Remember I'd tell you
when we're in too deep?
- Yeah?
- We're in too deep.
Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!
Oh, no, no.
You snivelling cowards!
Cringing under a desk?
Clinging to life like baby butterflies.
Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!
Boy, when things go wrong...
That's it. Next time, no author.
What are you shooting
at us for anyway?
You Teutonic twit!
Wait. Wait a minute.
I just got an idea.
A way to close the show.
Franz, l...
- There, there.
- Where? Where?
Franz, listen to me.
Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good.
- Why don't you shoot the actors.
- The actors?
Yes, the actors.
Everybody laughed at your
beloved Fhrer tonight, and why?
Because of the actors.
The actors were making fun of him.
Yeah, you're right, the actors!
Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.
- Kill. Kill all the actors.
- I must kill all the actors.
Wait a minute!
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, "kill the actors"?
You can't kill the actors.
Actors are not animals.
They're human beings.
They are?
Have you ever eaten with one?
- Here. Listen...
- Open up, it's the police!
- The police!
- The police!
Come on, boys.
I was never a member
of the Nazi Party. I had nothing...
You, drop that gun.
- Ociffers!
- What's going on here?
This crazy Kraut is crackers!
He crashed in here
and crassly tried to kill us.
- Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
- Thank you, darling.
Okay, youse two can go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Tried to kill him, eh?
Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.
Next stop, Sing Sing.
Sing Sing?
You'll never take me alive!
- What happened?
- I broke my other leg.
All right, who are you,
and why was he trying to shoot you?
I haven't the slightest idea,
Sergeant O'Toole.
The name is O'Bialystock.
I was just passing by on me way
to the Pat O'Brien Film Festival...
...and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.
And now I'll be on me way,
before me voice gets any higher.
As we say in the old country, "Taxi!"
Hold it!
Hey, sarge, look at this.
- What?
- I found these two accounting books.
- This one says, "Show to the IRS."
- And what's the other one say?
" Never show to the IRS."
I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.
- Three?
- Yeah, you and them two books.
Mr. Bialystock?
Mr. Bloom?
Where are you?
Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening-night party.
Ulla, help me.
What happened to you?
I know.
You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.
Thank you for helping me down.
What were you doing up there?
I was hiding.
From who? From what?
From the police.
They were just here.
They've arrested Max.
- They found the books?
- I don't know what to do.
Poor Max.
Maybe I should turn myself in
and go to jail with him.
Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max...
...but it seems to me
you have two choices.
Number one, you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock...
...for years and years and years.
Or number two... can take that 2 million dollars
and Ulla, and go to Rio.
Oh, my God, what a dilemma.
Oh, what should I do?
Should I go to jail or go to Rio?
Mail call.
Hey, fatso.
I'm not that fat!
Says you.
You got a postcard.
A postcard? From where?
Who do I know in Brazil?
Why am I asking you?
" Dear Max, Rio is everything
you said it was and more.
Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.
In the morning, when we
have breakfast on our terrace...
... many different herrings.
In the afternoon, when we rub
each other's sun-drenched bodies...
... with banana-cream coconut oil,
number 15.
And then, in the evening, when
we samba together in the moonlight."
You'll find your happiness in Rio
The beaches there
Are strewn with pearls
The tropic breezes
Always blow there
And so, we hear
Do the girls
"Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting.
It's almost 11.
Wish you were here.
Your pal, Leo."
Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack
I thought that we were brothers
Then you stabbed me in the back
Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
I'm crying in the hoosegow
You're in Rio getting laid
Let's face it, I'm betrayed
Boy, have I been tak en
Oy, I'm so forsak en
I should have seen
What came to pass
I should have known
To watch my ass
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
Leo is lago
Max is double-crossed
I'm so dismayed
Did I mention I'm betrayed?
Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail
I have no one who I can cry to
No one I can say goodbye to
I'm drowning!
I'm drowning!
I'm drowning here!
I'm going down for the last time.
I can see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
I see a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.
I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.
No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.
And I see my mother.
I see Mama standing
on the back porch... a worn but clean
gingham gown.
And I hear my mama
calling out to me.
Don't forget your chores.
The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking.
Alvin! Alvin!
Wait a minute.
My name's not Alvin.
That's not my life.
Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.
What the hell is that about?
I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.
Leo's taken everything,
even my past.
My past's a dying ember
But wait, now I remember
How did it begin?
He walk ed into my office
With his cockamamie scheme
You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit
We can do it
We can do it
I can't do it
We can do it
I can't do it
Goodbye, Max
Lord, I want that money
I'm back, Max
Come on, Leo, we can do it
Step one, find the play
See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mr. Liebkind
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Step two, hire the director
Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it...
Two, three, kick,
Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn
Step three, raise the money
Along came Bialy
Step four, hire all the actors
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and...
The little wooden boy
That's our Hitler
Break a leg
I broke my leg
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
A surprise smash
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
It'll run for years!
Where did we go right?
Where did we go right?
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat
Lousy fruit
Kill the actors
You ever eat with one?
Then you ran to Rio
And you're safely out of reach
I'm behind these bars
You're banging Ulla on the beach
Just like Julius Caesar
Was betrayed by Brutus
Who'd think an accountant
Would turn out to be my Judas
I'm so dismayed
Is this how I'm repaid?
To be
Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?
Yes, Your Honour, we have.
We find the defendant...
...incredibly guilty.
Hold me, touch me.
I'm a little busy.
Does the defendant have
anything to say on his own behalf?
Yes, Your Honour, I do.
I admit, for the last 20 years
I've been a lying, double- crossing...
...two-faced, backstabbing,
despicable crook.
But I had no choice.
I was a Broadway producer.
A man without a conscience...
...and with no one
who gave a damn about him.
And that, Your Honour,
is what hurts the most.
I thought I'd at last
found a loyal partner.
A man I cared about...
...and who I thought
cared about me.
What breaks my heart is now...
...when I need him most,
he's deserted me.
I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.
That's not true!
Order! Order in the court!
And stop that samba!
- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom...
...Max Bialystock's partner.
And who are you, my dear?
My name is
Ulla Inga Hansen Benson...
...Yonsen Tallen- Hallen
Svaden Svanson Bloom.
- You're his wife?
- Ja, Your Honour.
He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.
What a schmuck.
Now, Mr. Bloom,
why in the world would you...
...want to come back here
and give yourself up?
Why? To speak on his behalf.
We all know that Max Bialystock
is a lying, double- crossing...
...two-faced, slimy,
manipulative, underhanded...
...don't help me.
Your Honour... Your honour,
if I may address the court.
The law was created to protect
people from being wronged.
So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?
- Well, not these dear ladies.
- No.
And not me, not...
Not me.
I was this nobody.
No one ever called me "Leo" before.
I mean, Your Honour,
I know it isn't a big legal point...
...but even when I was in kindergarten
everybody always called me "Bloom."
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that even when I was in Rio...
...and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of...
...I suddenly realized that...
That this man...
This man...
No one ever made me
Feel like someone
Till him
Life was really nothing
But a glum one
Till him
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid
Never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance
I was always frightened
Fraught with worry
Till him
I was going nowhere in a hurry
Till him
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never
Ever be another one
Like him
...I never realized.
- You're a good singer.
- Thank you.
- No, really, like a professional.
- Well, I sang it for you, Max.
I sang it because I'm your friend.
You are?
I've had a lot of relationships...
...but you couldn't call
any of them "friend."
But come to think of it... one ever, ever really knew me.
Till him
Everyone was always out
To screw me
Till him
Never met a man I ever trusted
Always dealt with shysters
In the past
Now I'm well-adjusted
'Cause I've got a friend at last
Don't help me.
Always playing singles
Never doubles
Till him
Never had a pal
To share my troubles
Till him
He filled up my empty life
- Filled it to the brim
- Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one
Like him
Gentlemen, it breaks my heart... break up
such a beautiful friendship.
So I won't.
Five years in the state penitentiary
at Sing Sing.
Gotta sing, sing
Gotta sing, sing
Oh, you can lock us up
Und lose the k ey
But hearts in love
Are always free
Come on, boys.
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners of love
You now own 45 percent...
...of Prisoners of Love. Next!
- How much have you sold so far?
- Six hundred percent.
Is that all? Keep selling.
Keep selling.
All right, break it up! Break it up!
Quiet! Give me that.
How many times do
I have to tell you guys?
No knife fights in rehearsal.
Hi. What are you in for,
lack of rhythm?
Get in line.
Everybody get in line, right away!
All right, you animals,
let's take it all together!
From the top! Hit it, Franz!
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
- Can't k eep our hearts in jail
- Tempo, fellas! Pick up that tempo!
- Prisoners of love
- That's it.
- Our turtledoves
- Okay, just the murderers!
Hey, you.
The warden wants to get in
on this thing.
Tell the warden he now owns
- Thank you.
- Sing out, criminals.
Let them hear you in solitary.
Take it home, boys.
We open in Leavenworth
on Saturday night!
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind,
good news!
This just came from the governor.
"Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon...
...for having, through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter...
...into the hearts of every murderer,
rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
- You're free!
- Free?
Next stop, Prisoners of Love
on Broadway!
- Broadway!
- Adolf, you must tell the other birds.
But hearts in love
Are always free
Gotta sing, sing
Sing, sing
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
- Can't k eep our hearts in jail
- Can't k eep our hearts in jail
Prisoners of love
- Our turtledoves
- Soon coming 'round with bail
- Tote that bale
- Oh, you can lock us up
And lose the k ey
But hearts in love
Are always free
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners
We're still prisoners
We're still prisoners of love
- Love, love, love
- Love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
Leo and Max
Up off our backs
Back on the Great White Way
Leo and Max
Back on our tracks
We're back on top to stay
So when we take your money
Never fear
We'll knock Broadway
Right on its ear
The cast is great
The script is swell
But this we're telling you, sirs
It's just no go
You've got no show
Without the producers
We'll never quit
Hit after hit
The producers
Leo and Max
The overture is over
The curtain starts to rise
You're suddenly in clover
You can't believe your eyes
You're sitting on the aisle
You break into a smile
Why this magic feeling?
And then you realize
That there is
Nothing like a show on Broadway
Nothing like a Broadway show
Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway
If you're feeling blue
I'm telling you
That's the place to go
Movies drag
Their endings sag
TV's just a bore
So hit the street
And move your feet
To the place we all adore
Because there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
It's often been said
The theatre is dead
The critics repeat it en masse
But the theatre's alive
It's gonna survive
Although it's a pain in the ass
You waited forever
And finally got tick ets
To get to your seat
You gotta cross pick ets
The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight
The guy to your left
Appears to have rick ets
The music's yuck
The lyrics suck
The casting is all wrong
And when you reach the bathroom
The line is five miles long
But still there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
You swear you'll never go again
It's simply not worthwhile
You make that vow
And then somehow
- You're back there on the aisle
- You're back there on the aisle
That's why there's
Nothing like a show
On Broadway
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
Till you're in movies
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show
And though it is expensive
At a hundred bucks a throw
There's nothing
Like a Broadway show!
Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf... paperback.
Available near you... Borders books...
...or Barnes & Noble...
...und amazon. Com.
Thanks for coming
To see our show
Sad to tell you
We got to go
Grab your hat
And head for the door
In case you didn't notice
There ain't any more
If you like our show
Tell everyone but
If you think it stinks
Keep your big mouth shut
We're glad you came but
We have to shout
- Ados
- Au rev oir
- Wiedersehen
- Ta-ta-ta
- Goodbye
- Get lost
Get out
It's over.