Project: ALF (1996) Movie Script

(dramatic orchestral music)
(ominous orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Good evening,
I'm General Myron Stone,
Air Force Liaison
to the Pentagon.
I would like to introduce to you
our esteemed committee members,
Undersecretary Overmyer
from the State Department,
Dudley Next from the Pentagon,
for Senator Anne Farnsworth,
and Darnell Muggins, from
Central Intelligence.
I shall now ask our
project personnel
to introduce themselves.
- Yes, thank you General.
I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil,
and I am Head of Security
for the Alien Task Force.
This is my assistant,
Second Lieutenant Reese.
- I'm Second Lieutenant Reese,
Colonel Milfoil's assistant.
- Captain Rick Mullican,
Scientific Coordinator
on Project: ALF.
My duty has been to monitor
all testing performed
on the alien.
- Major Melissa Hill,
Clinical Psychologist.
I've been responsible for all
behavior evaluations
concerning the alien.
- This panel has convened
to render a decision,
as to the immediate future
of the alien life form,
known as ALF.
Colonel Milfoil is
demanding full resumption
of psychological and
physical testing,
and the possible
elimination of the creature.
Captain Mullican and Major
Hill oppose this idea,
and in fact, recommend
the release of the alien.
Now it is our responsibility
to hear these arguments,
and determine what should
be done with the alien.
- We know what to do with it,
some of us just
don't have the guts.
- It's not a matter of guts,
it's a matter of human rights.
- Aliens don't have
human rights, Major,
that's why they're aliens.
- They're aliens because
we alienate them.
- Oh please.
- She's right.
We found ALF to be
a warm, friendly,
occasionally annoying, but
highly intelligent creature.
- Sir, ALF is a
menace to society,
and ought to be incinerated.
- Don't you mean
incarcerated, sir?
- No.
- According to these records,
ALF's planet, Melmac,
exploded in 1985.
After wandering in
space for almost a year,
his spacecraft fell to Earth,
and crashed into the garage
of a family by the
name of Tanner.
- That is affirmative, madame.
The alien held the
Tanner family captive,
and terrorized them for as
long as he lived with them.
- The Tanners and
ALF got along great.
- On the contrary, Mister
Tanner testified himself,
that the alien set over
300 fires in their home,
and that he continually
tried to eat the family cat.
- For the record, he
never ate the cat.
Besides, it was only 246 fires,
and most of those
were barbecue-related.
- Where is the
Tanner family now?
- They were placed
on the witness protection
program in 1990.
- Well, perhaps we
should talk to them.
- I'm afraid they don't
have a phone yet, sir.
It's hard to get
service in Reykjavik.
- They live in Iceland?
- They turned down Mozambique,
they weren't happy with
the school system there.
- Well are they happy with--
- They're fine, ma'am.
The rest is classified.
- Perhaps now would
be a good time
to view the videotapes
of the alien,
undergoing some of those
tests you told us about.
- The committee
should be aware that
several tapes, including those
of the more inhumane tests,
mysteriously disappeared
about the time
these hearings were scheduled.
- You lost some of the tapes?
Honest to God,
security in your
department is appalling.
Anyone can just
waltz into his lab,
and take whatever he wants.
- Anyone with a security key
and a 14-digit combination.
- May we take a look at
those tapes we do have?
(eerie music)
- Good morning, ALF.
May I call you ALF?
- If you insist.
- Well, I'm Doctor Warner,
and I'd like to ask
you a few questions.
- Do I have to come
up with funny answers?
(chuckling)
- Not at all.
Now during the course
of these interviews,
we'll also be videotaping you.
- If it's shown on Hard
Copy, I'll expect residuals.
(chuckling)
- No, these tapes
are classified,
the public will never see them.
- That's what they
told Marion Barry.
(chuckling)
- Yes, yes.
Good morning, ALF.
(chuckling)
- Yourself.
I take it this isn't the
word association test.
- There's been a
change of plans.
Not to worry,
we're gonna conduct
a different test.
- I'm not sure I like
the word, conduct.
- I assure you it's
completely safe.
Oh, pay no attention
to that sign,
it shouldn't even be there.
I'll remove it if
it bothers you.
- It bothers me.
(screaming)
(fire burning)
- Medic?
Medic?
- Hello ALF, I'm Doctor Newman.
- No need to ask who
you're replacing.
- We're gonna try a little game
called, numeric sequencing.
- Does it involve
electric shock?
- Absolutely not.
- Forgive me if I'm
a little paranoid.
There's still a silhouette
burnt into the linoleum.
- Well, it's been
officially determined
that Doctor Warner
had a heart condition,
and his unfortunate death
was totally unrelated
to the mild shock
that he received here.
- I'd be ready for
litigation if I were you.
- Well then that's not
your concern at this point.
- The man was
cooked in his shoes.
- Could you stop the tape?
- His glasses were
fused to his skull.
- Stop the tape.
- [ALF] He was a cinder!
- Stop.
- Hello there, I'm
Doctor Stanley.
- Where's Doctor Newman?
- He's taking some time off.
- I assume you heard what
happened to Doctor Warner?
- Yep, bad heart.
- Oh, we're sticking
to that story, huh?
Mum's the word.
- Let's try some
word association.
I'll say a word,
and you say whatever
pops in your mind.
- Food.
- I haven't said anything yet.
- Nothing interesting, at least.
- Sit.
- I am sitting.
- No no no no, that's
the first word, sit.
- Oh, food.
- Sunrise.
- Breakfast.
- Square.
- Meal.
- Left.
- Overs.
- Should we stop and get
you something to eat?
- I could use a little snack.
- [Newman] Feel better?
(belching)
- I do now.
- May we proceed with our
word association test?
- Fire away.
- All right.
Here's the first word.
Is there a problem?
- Nope.
- Here is the first word.
- Go ahead.
- No, here, the word
here, is the first word.
- You're jerking my
chain, aren't you?
- Let's just try another word.
- Good idea.
- On.
- Off.
- Up.
- Down.
- Toast.
- Doctor Warner.
- In.
- Out.
- Cold.
- Doctor Warner.
- Look, can we stop
the cameras please?
- Warner's body had to be
removed by a chimney sweep.
- Cut.
(screaming)
- Hello, I'm Doctor Mockton.
I'm going to show
you some ink blots.
- Does this involve
electric shock?
- Let's not start that again.
- You know why I'm
asking don't you?
- I suggest you
change the subject,
unless you want to pay another
visit to the centrifuge.
- Been there, done that.
Threw up.
- Let's start with this one.
- Doctor Warner struck me
as a rather gentle man.
(screaming)
This one is
definitely the Pepsi.
- Good morning,
I'm Doctor Carnage.
- Yikes.
- Yikes, yourself.
- Just so we
understand each other.
- I'm going to show
you some pictures.
- Are they of you?
- No.
- Good.
- Identify if you can--
- No breakfast?
- No breakfast.
- Lousy pork butt.
- No need to be insulting.
- No no, that's what
I had for breakfast,
just one lousy pork butt.
- Can you identify the
man in this picture?
- He was the drummer
for the Beatles.
Can I ask you something?
- What?
- How you found the
food here on the base?
- Adequate.
- Any truth to that
saltpeter thing?
Because frankly, I've been
having trouble maintaining a--
- Tell me about this picture.
- I wondered when we
were going to get around
to the Star Trek stuff.
- Ah, so you know about
the Starship Enterprise?
- I know it's an icon
for millions of people
who don't have a life.
- And tell me about
your spaceship.
- My ex-spaceship.
Now it's a pile of rubble,
much like my life.
- And what about your life, ALF?
Are you unhappy?
Tell me what frightens you.
- Besides the Fox Network?
- Besides the Fox Network.
- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.
- I'm a bit curious about the,
don't ask, don't tell,
policy, here in the military.
- What about it?
- Well, I assume it's
worked to your advantage.
- Stop the tape.
- Three, two, one, engage.
- Wow!
(siren blaring)
- [Man] Quick, somebody
bring the jaws of life!
- That crash test is
the perfect example
of the cruel and
inhumane punishment
ALF has been subjected
to, Mister Chairman.
- He had an airbag,
it just didn't work.
- Perhaps it would
be a good idea
if we met with ALF, and
talked with him personally.
- That's highly
inadvisable, sir.
He's very dangerous,
and may I remind you
sir, he is pelvic height.
- Where exactly is ALF now?
- Exactly where he
belongs, madame,
in maximum security under
full military guard.
- [Man] So, what's the
alien gonna do now?
- Looks like I
don't have a choice.
- You don't.
- Straight flush.
Read 'em and weep.
Hey, have some more
pretzels, boys.
They're only a dollar a bag.
- That's it for me, I'm tapped.
- You're tapped.
I just lost my hazard pay.
- Well, better luck
tomorrow, guys.
Cash 'em out Murph,
and lock the safe.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and while you're up,
get me the results
from Santa Anita,
and find out what we
owe on the Tyson fight.
Who would have
thought that prison
would have made him meaner?
- I'm on it, sir.
- Oh, and rustle up some
pizza from the commissary,
double-cheese,
hold the saltpeter.
- [Man] Right.
- Brown boy?
- Yes sir.
- What's my schedule
look like for tomorrow?
- Pretty tight,
8:30 a.m. massage.
- No hot oil.
- We won't make
that mistake again.
- 9:30, breakfast.
Irish oatmeal, fresh
strawberries, okay?
- Do I get scones?
- You get scones.
- And fresh clotted cream?
- Bad news on the clotted
cream front, I'm afraid.
It missed the flight
from Devonshire.
- Why don't you just stab me?
- Sorry.
Hey, 10 o'clock's
your hair coloring.
- Right shade this time?
- Burnt sienna.
- I'm the same color Lucy was,
towards the end.
- And I managed to block out
from 11 o'clock to three
o'clock for your lunch.
- Oh that is tight.
- And at 4:30, it's
either tea time,
or resumption of shock therapy,
depending upon the
outcome of the hearing.
- Please, let it be tea time.
At this point, I'd
even drink herbal.
Dismissed.
- Besides, I met Yassir.
Not only does he look like
Ringo, he's a better drummer.
Sorry.
- In consideration
of the overwhelming
amount of data before us,
this committee will
reconvene in two weeks.
Until then, the alien
remains in custody
under full military security.
- Prudent decision, sir.
- It is the ruling of
this panel, however,
that all testing on the alien
will be suspended
until further notice.
- Sir, I must strongly object.
Sir, let the record
show that I have--
- This hearing is adjourned.
- Mama.
- Beg your pardon, sir?
- What?
- Did you say something sir?
- What are you doing here?
- I'm saying goodnight, sir.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Reese?
- Sir?
- How do you think
things went today?
- I thought the panel made
a very safe decision, sir.
- I thought it was abominable.
- Abominable, yes sir.
Safe, yet abominable.
- Reese?
- Still here, sir.
- Let me tell you a story.
- Now?
- I grew up without a mother.
- You'd never know, sir.
- I had a mother.
But when I was 12 years
old, they hauled her away.
Nutty as a fruitcake, they said.
Why do you suppose
they said that, Reese?
- Oh, wouldn't
venture a guess, sir.
Even if I knew for certain.
- She was alien.
- From across the border?
- From across the cosmos, Reese.
- Oh, out there.
Yeah.
- We lived on a farm,
and mother would talk
of mysterious sightings.
She spoke of cattle mutilations,
and bizarre rings
burnt into the fields,
but no one took her seriously
until it was too late.
- Should I come in, sir?
- Yes, please, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Then one day the
aliens kidnapped mama.
They experimented on her.
They twisted her mind,
and clouded her
thoughts to the point
where she doubted
her own sanity.
- I'm sorry sir.
- How about a drink?
- No thanks.
- For me, Reese.
- Oh, of course.
- When my mother
took her own life,
she left behind a note,
penned with
incomprehensible symbols,
the ravings of a
lunatic, they said,
but I knew differently, oh yes.
I knew very differently.
And I made up my mind
I would seek the truth.
I knew that one day I would
join the Alien Task Force.
- Ice?
- Yes, please.
Eventually I found
out that those symbols
do indeed have meaning.
- What did they mean, sir?
- I don't know.
But they're the same as
the mysterious etchings
on the mountaintops of Peru,
and they're the same symbols
we found on the flying
saucer in Area 51.
- Now, those symbols have
yet to be deciphered, sir.
- You don't need a Rosetta Stone
to know they spell trouble.
- You really think ALF
poses that kind of threat?
- There's a very
thin line between
mutilating cows and eating cats.
- Point well-taken sir.
But the panel doesn't
seem to agree.
- The panel can never
know what I know,
or what my dear mother knew.
That's why we must take it
out of their hands, Reese.
- I smell a covert
operation, sir.
- What you're
smelling is victory,
the triumph of good over evil,
one that could make me
President of the United States.
It might even help earn you
your First Lieutenant bars.
- Wow.
So much so soon.
- I want you to sign
this medical requisition,
and access the serum from
the lab on level three.
If anyone asks questions,
you just tell them
it's biohazardous
material, section 12-801.
Sign right there.
- Top secret?
- Yes.
Our top secret, Reese.
Right there on the bottom.
Let me help steady
your hand, son.
That's it, good man yourself.
Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
- Carry on.
- Anyway, she was great,
didn't back down for a minute.
I mean, she was passionate,
eloquent, and beautiful.
- And she's here.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Major?
Rick was just talking about you.
- Pete, why don't you go get
yourself an apple juice, huh?
- Oh, yes sir.
Right away.
Major Hill?
- No thanks.
- All right, one apple juice.
I'll be back in a
couple of hours.
- He's a great kidder.
- I've been transferred.
- What?
- [Melissa] It's true.
- When?
- No later than 0800
hours tomorrow morning.
It's right there above
Colonel Milfoil's signature.
- He can't do this to us.
I mean we're such a great team.
- Divide and conquer.
(knocking on door)
- Excuse me.
Doctor, I need a signature
on this requisition form.
- Medical requisition,
level three?
What's this about?
- I wouldn't know sir,
it's a section 12-801.
- Level three is
biohazardous material.
- Airman, would you
please step outside,
we'll be with you in a minute.
- Yes, sir.
- Reese is trying to
access the vaccines
we're developing for
biological warfare.
- Security.
Is Sergeant Rhomboid
still on duty?
Evening pizza run, of course.
What about Murphy?
Great, thanks.
Murphy, Major Hill.
Just checking up on ALF.
No, I don't owe him money.
Say, what's his schedule
like for tomorrow?
It's pretty tight, huh?
Any changes in the
last several hours?
Really?
Why?
What time?
All right, thanks for the info.
- What, what is it?
- They rescheduled ALF's
pedicure for a medical exam,
I'd say a lethal one.
- I can't believe
we're doing this.
- It's our only choice.
Once we get ALF off the base,
we'll worry about
everything else.
- We're kidnapping him.
- We're saving his life.
- And where are
we gonna take him?
Neverland Ranch?
It's the only place
he'd go unnoticed.
- Evening, Airman Murphy.
- Evening, Major.
Captain.
- Evening.
- ALF around?
Silly question, he's a prisoner.
- Yes.
He's in his suite.
- We've got him scheduled for
a couple of tests, tonight.
- He's sleeping
pretty soundly sir.
- That's good,
because they're nocturnal
comprehension tests.
- NCT's.
- We'd do them in the morning,
but it's just not the same.
- Oh understood.
Just ALF gets a little
cranky when he's awakened,
unless it's for
his evening pizza.
Which should be
arriving any minute,
so you go on ahead.
- Hey, they're selling
copies of movies
that are still running
in the theaters.
- We're not here to shop.
- 2.99 for The Lion King.
How's he do this?
- I must again remind this jury
not to discuss this
case amongst yourselves,
this I admonish you.
- ALF?
- Counsel will refer
to me as Your Honor.
- ALF, wake up.
- Hey!
Easy with the mask, huh?
I've got cold cream on.
What are you two doing here?
You know the rules,
no merchandise sold
till 0900 hours.
- ALF, you're in grave danger,
we've got to get
you off the base.
You're scheduled
for a medical test
in a couple of hours.
- Must be my cholesterol again.
Last time it was
over a thousand.
- That's the least
of your worries.
Milfoil is planning to
test a serum on you.
- Is it cherry-flavored?
- It's poison,
and it comes in a
hypodermic needle.
- So it's not cherry-flavored?
- ALF, get up.
We have to get you off the base.
- I can't leave all this behind.
I have a corporation
to run here.
- ALF you have a choice,
your money, or your life.
- Well?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- Well, there's no
time for thinking.
- Hey!
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
- Oh relax, it's
just a sedative.
- Oh, that's really
gonna cost you, buddy.
Just for that, I'm
tacking on an extra 10%
to your gambling debts.
And I want it in cash
by next Tues--
- Quick get him in the mailbag.
- How much time do we have?
- He ought to be out
for a good half hour.
(knocking on door)
- [Murphy] Rhomboid's
here with the pizza.
Yeah, ALF open up.
- What are we gonna do?
- Get him in the bag.
Slide the pizza under the door.
Ha!
- [Murphy] It won't fit.
- Then, keep it.
- [Murphy] And what about
this flaming desert?
Oh, ow.
- Extinguish and enjoy.
- [Murphy] Hey thanks, buddy.
Doing all right?
- Yeah, I'm just not quite
as peckish as I thought.
- [Murphy] Okay pal,
see you in the morning.
- Great impression of ALF.
Except he would never
use the word peckish.
Yeah, he'd never turn
down food either.
Come on.
Ma'am.
- He's a lot heavier
than he looks.
- Just our luck.
Six of his seven
stomachs must be full.
All clear.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Three.
(grunting)
- Where are you going, Captain?
- I'm driving.
Unless of course, you want to.
- You're not going anywhere,
and that's an order.
- What are you talking about?
- There's no reason for
you to get in any deeper.
- This is my idea, I
take full responsibility.
- I thought we were
in this together?
- Your help has been
appreciated, Captain.
And now you're dismissed.
- Are you pulling
rank on me, Melissa?
- Major, and yes I am.
- I don't believe this.
- Rick, that's an order.
- And if I don't
follow it, what?
You gonna march back to MilFoil,
and tell him I'm
being insubordinate?
No offense Major, this is
my order, get in the van.
If we can make it past the
guard gate, we've got a shot.
- Is this a motor pool van?
- Yeah, it was.
It's ALF's now.
Won it in a poker game.
He rents it back
to 'em on weekends.
- He'll probably
charge us for mileage.
- It wasn't personal, was it?
- What?
- Your not wanting me
to come along with you?
- No, I like you.
I like working with you.
You're dedicated and sincere,
and sensitive.
- Well not that you asked but,
I think you're
passionate, eloquent,
and beautiful.
- So I overheard.
- I don't want you to
get a big head about it.
I felt that way since the
first time I heard you say,
welcome to Edmonds
Air Force Base.
- We're going really slowly.
- Well I think we should.
You're my superior, I
didn't know how you felt.
- No I mean, we're
going two miles an hour.
- Oh yeah, sorry.
- Evening, Major.
Captain.
What brings you
out at 2300 hours?
- Stealing government secrets,
selling them to spies.
No seriously,
I'm taking Major Hill
to the train station.
She's been transferred.
- Orders, ma'am.
Be right back.
- Do you find him to
be a bit humorless?
- It wasn't that funny.
(ALF moaning)
- [ALF] Where am I?
- Don't look now,
the mail's awake.
- Be quiet, ALF.
- [ALF] I remember now.
I'm being abducted by humans.
There's a switch.
- Shut up, ALF.
- [ALF] I have to
use the bathroom.
- ALF, get down.
- [ALF] Ow!
That was exceptionally
painful, on a full bladder.
- Everything seems
to be in order.
- Thank you Sergeant,
we have to go now.
- [ALF] You're telling me.
- Beg your pardon?
- You're telling me.
Thanks.
- [ALF] I don't recognize
this part of the country.
Could be this bag that I'm in.
- Yeah, and you're
gonna stay in that bag,
until we get where we're going.
Where are we going?
- Every hear of Dexter Moyers?
- Yeah, UFO guy, got
drummed out of NASA.
- No, he wasn't drummed
out, he resigned.
He testified in front of
a Congressional committee
that alien sightings
should be made public.
So they transferred him
to simulator maintenance.
- How come you know
so much about him?
- He was a friend
of my father's.
I called him, and he
offered to help us.
- Where does he live?
- Near the Arizona-New
Mexico border.
- [ALF] Oh goody, I
should be able to swim
out of this bag by then.
(crickets chirping)
(TV voices)
- Why are you so steamed ALF?
We saved your life.
- Saved my life?
You took me from my friends,
whom incidentally, I was
making a good living off of.
- Okay, I checked
with the front desk,
there's no room service.
- Big surprise.
We're lucky there's plumbing.
- What if Rick went out and
got you something to eat?
Would that make you happy?
- You can't buy me with food.
Unless it's fried chicken.
- I'll see what's open.
- A couple of burgers, maybe.
- Right, chicken or burgers.
- No, chicken and burgers.
And donuts, and get
some beet juice.
I like to dunk.
- Man.
- Also, if there's a
laundry mat around,
I suggest you wash
that mail bag.
- Why?
As long as it's--
- I told you to stop
at a clean gas station.
- I'll go see about that food.
- Last call, anyone want
the runny white part?
Going, going, gone.
- Can we get some sleep
now, it's three a.m.
- The night is young.
Who's up for a game of Twister.
- Where did you
put the sedative?
- I heard that.
- Please ALF, we need rest.
- Well, how shall we handle
the sleeping arrangements?
I should get the bed, being
that I'm already on it,
and I'm shedding.
- Fine, we'll stay
here on the couch.
- Evidently we paired
up for the evening.
- We haven't paired up, there's
just no place else to sit.
- Oh tish tosh.
You two have been
playing Ken and Barbie
ever since we left the base.
(TV voices)
- Could you turn the TV down?
- Nothing but infomercials
on at this hour.
- How about turning it off?
- Oh look, it's the
one for the Wonder Rag.
- Okay.
(TV voices)
- [ALF] Jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump.
One two three four.
Jump, jump, jump, jump.
One two three four.
Jump, jump, jump, jump.
(knocking on door)
Jump jump jump jump.
- Someone's at the door.
(knocking on door)
- ALF, hide in the bathroom.
- It's been a long time since
those words were uttered.
- Evening folks.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Name's Ernie.
I drive a truck.
If you look right behind
me in the parking lot,
you'll see my 18-wheeler.
- Oh yeah, there it is.
16, 17, 18, right.
- Yeah, well being on the
road 20 straight hours
can make a body tired.
- And irritable.
- Kind of hard to sleep
when all you hear from
the room next door
is the incessant pounding
of a bed on the wall.
- I'm sorry.
I apologize, we were--
- Look, I was a newlywed
myself once buddy but, dang.
- We're not.
- Point made.
- ALF, the coast is clear,
you can come out now.
ALF?
Oh no.
- What?
What now?
- He's gone.
- [Voice On TV] And
now the big question,
how much would you expect to pay
for the amazing Wonder Rag
and passive hanging hook?
- 20 bucks.
- [Voice On TV] Think
before you answer.
- Darn.
- [Voice On TV] Because
of the special TV bonus,
we'll throw in this
plastic protective bib,
and a gallon of sawdust
for those stubborn
industrial spills.
- That's worth five, 25.
(bell dinging)
- [Voice On TV] A
hundred dollars?
50 dollars?
What if I was to say
you get everything
for only 19 dollars
and 95 cents?
Try purchasing a rag and sawdust
for anything less than that.
Let's check on Cindy
and see how she's doing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Do you have a phone?
- What?
- All right, take your time,
get over the initial shock,
then answer my question.
Do you have a phone?
- Pay phone.
Outside.
- How about a coat?
- What for?
- You said the phone
was outside, didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Then I'll need a coat,
and a hat if you have one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I'll need a quarter.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Anything.
You're not gonna
bite me are you?
- Not for a quarter.
- You're not from
around here, are you?
- Minnesota.
- But somehow I thought it
would be farther than that.
- Michigan.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the Wolverine State.
That would explain it.
- I appreciate the loan
of the hat and coat,
and the quarter.
And I have to go now.
You continue with your
evening and have a good time,
if you know what I mean.
Bye bye.
(phone ringing)
- J Barracks, Airman Murphy.
- Murph, is that you?
- ALF?
It's five o'clock
in the morning,
and too early for room service.
- I'm not calling
for room service.
I'm not even calling
from my room.
Ask me where I am.
- Where are you?
- I'm standing on a corner
somewhere in Arizona,
not a fine sight to see.
Hold it.
There's someone slowing
down to take a look at me.
- Yeah, right.
A girl in a flatbed Ford, huh?
- How'd you know?
- Just a guess.
Goodnight ALF.
- Wait a minute Murph,
I'm not kidding.
- You're telling me
you're off the base?
- Yes, I was kidnapped
by Rick and Melissa.
- Major Hill and
Captain Mullican?
- Oh forgive me, I
forgot my protocol.
- Where are they?
- At the motel.
- What are they
doing in a motel?
- Not much.
They're just good friends.
Look, I gotta keep this short.
That girl in the flatbed
Ford just came back.
Looks like she's got a
gun, and eats red meat.
- What do you want me to do?
- Bring me my cash,
my credit cards,
and my pool cue.
I might have to
work for a living.
- I'll do what I can.
Where can I get a hold of you?
- Leave a message
on the internet.
(late night jazz)
Kitty Kat Lounge.
Oh boy, breakfast.
(dog barking)
- Any luck?
- No.
If it wasn't for bad luck,
we'd be having no luck at all.
- Okay, I'll get the
van and search the town.
- Hold on.
I got a hunch.
You wait in the room
in case he comes back.
- Where are you going?
- [Rick] I'll be right back.
Come get, get
a piece of this
I give you love, I
start with a simple kiss
I'll take you higher,
higher than before
I'll love you down
Then I'll take just
a little bit more
So don't you be,
don't be holding back
I got that game
It'll give you
a heart attack
I've got something for you
And it's love
I've got something for you
Yes it be love
- So, what are you drinking?
- Uh, nothing.
I'd like to see a menu, though.
- Yeah well, we
don't serve food.
- Isn't this the
Kitty Kat Lounge?
- Yep.
- Well I'd like a nice, big,
fat calico, medium rare.
- Are you some kind of sicko?
(screaming)
- All right, all right.
Take it easy.
- What's the problem?
- Look.
- Hi.
- What the heck is that thing?
- It's okay, it's
okay, I can explain.
- Do it.
Now.
- Mardi gras.
We're on our way to mardi gras,
and hence the costumes.
- What mardi gras?
- What costumes?
- The ones we're wearing.
- What costumes?
- Okay, gotta go now.
- You're not going anywhere.
There's a two drink minimum.
- Each.
- Well in that case,
I'd like a Melmacian martini.
If you don't have
fresh cat juice,
you can substitute ferret.
- Okay, here you
go, here you go.
Thanks very much.
Something for the
lady, appreciate it.
Okay, come on,
let's go, let's go.
Come on.
- I hope you're not
trying to win any prizes
with those outfits.
The Village People
uniform's okay,
but that dog suit's the worst.
- Permission to bite
the bouncer sir.
- Denied, keep moving.
Come on.
- Hey, easy on the dog suit.
It's a rental.
- Oh great, the cops.
- What's so great about that?
- Let's see if I've
got this right.
Around 4:32 a.m., a short
furry creature comes in.
- It was a wolverine.
- A wolverine.
- He was from Michigan.
A legend.
- A wolverine, from Michigan,
asked to use the phone,
then proceeded to steal
your hat and coat?
- No no no, he borrowed 'em.
But let's be realistic.
I'll never see 'em again.
- Oh I wouldn't be so sure.
- What were you thinking?
Now this place is
crawling with cops.
- Let's hope they leave before
the helicopters get here.
- What helicopters?
- Army, Navy, Air
Force, Marines.
I might have inadvertently
alerted the military.
- How might that have happened?
- Phone call.
- Who?
- Mine.
- When?
- Before.
- How?
- Collect.
- Are you sure?
- You're getting it straight
from the wolverine's mouth.
- Why?
- Because I need my things.
- I'm not talking to
you, I'm talking to Him.
- We have to get
out of here, now.
- In what?
A military van?
They've probably got
an APB out on it.
- May I suggest
a vehicle change?
- No, no, you may not.
- Fine.
- We really shouldn't
drive that van.
- Okay,
how would you suggest
facilitating a vehicle change?
- What vehicle change?
- The one you suggested earlier.
- Sure it was me?
- Why are you even
listening to him?
- A vehicle change
is not a bad idea.
- I'll take care of it.
- You can't go outside.
- I just did.
- Let him go.
All right, you
have five minutes.
- Fine, no problem.
Get you a vehicle.
(bell dinging)
- Oh oh.
- Remember me?
- The guy from Michigan.
- Yeah, I'm returning
your hat and coat.
Much obliged.
And your quarter.
- Thank you.
- I have another gift for you.
You see that van outside there?
- The one that says, property
of US government on the side?
- That's the one.
It's yours.
I'm with the government,
and we want you to have it.
- Really?
- Yeah, what else do you need?
- I don't know.
Socks.
- No problem.
I'll send you a gross.
I hope you look good
in Air Force blue.
Hey, you like music?
- Yeah.
- I'll send you some CD's.
Is 100 enough?
- What's the catch?
- No catch, no catch.
You lent me a quarter, I'm
giving you a brand new van,
and a thousand dollars
worth of merchandise.
When you do good things,
it comes back to you.
- Wow, thanks.
- Oh, stupid me.
I gave you my van.
How am I gonna get
where I'm going?
What kind of car do you drive?
- A '59 Caddy.
- What's it worth?
- Seven or eight hundred bucks.
- All right well, let's see,
we got the van, the socks,
the CD's, you give me
the car, and 500 bucks,
and we'll call it even.
- I don't have any money.
- All right, all right,
you drive a hard bargain.
Just give me the car.
I guess you didn't
get to where you are,
by being stupid.
- You gotta stay on your toes.
- I don't suppose
there'd be any warranty
that goes with this car?
- No, a deal's a deal.
Take it or leave it.
- I'll take it.
Oh by the way,
first chance you get,
you might want to have
that van repainted.
Bye.
- Air conditioning,
satin sheets, big screen TV.
Potted palms, gentlemen,
do you mean to tell me the alien
has been living like this the
whole time he was locked up?
- No sir, his original
room was far more spacious,
but he complained
it was too drafty.
- I see.
Why didn't we just put him in
a suite at the Ritz/Carlton?
- Actually sir, ALF
did suggest that.
- Put a lid on it, Sergeant.
- Yes sir.
- Colonel Milfoil.
- Yes, Reese.
- The red alert has
been issued sir.
A high priority
search is in effect
for Major Hill, Captain
Mullican, and the alien.
- Very well, son.
Now I want you to get a mobile
command unit underway, ASAP.
I intend to personally
handle every aspect
of this investigation.
- It's already been
initialized sir.
- What's this, roulette
table, one-armed bandits,
pinball machines,
blackjack table.
His own personal casino.
Did you know anything
about this, Reese?
- Yes sir.
- What?
- But I only participated
on Wednesdays.
It was Monte Carlo night.
- You men are on report.
- Yes sir.
- He said he was giving a
full 2% to the homeless, sir.
- [Gilbert] There
are no homeless
in the military, you idiot.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
riding in the back of
a pink Cadillac jack,
snacking on a snack,
and thinking on
back, of old Melmac,
grew up in a shack,
without knickknacks.
No rack and pinion steering,
my uncle hard of hearing,
the missus interfering.
- ALF.
- What?
- What are you doing?
- Rapping with the wind, dude,
about life back home.
- You didn't grow up in a
shack with no knickknacks,
and you've never been married.
- Hey, it's a rap.
It doesn't have to make sense.
- Now I asked you to get
down, and stay out of sight.
- If I do that, I
can't eat the bugs.
I get first dibs on
licking the windshield.
- Yuck.
- How much further?
- Not much.
- Why would Carl Sagan
live way out here?
- It's not Carl Sagan,
it's Dexter Moyers.
He's an ex-NASA test pilot,
and he is an expert on UFO's.
- As long as it's
not Carl Sagan.
- What's wrong with Carl Sagan?
- Besides his hair?
Well, for one thing,
he insists on pronouncing the
name of that planet, Uranus.
You want to know the
correct pronunciation?
- No.
- Fine.
(horn blaring)
- He's gonna say it
anyway, isn't he?
- Probably.
- Your anus.
That's how it's pronounced.
(rock music)
Well at least you know
I'm out the door baby
Don't want to stay
here anymore baby
Hit the gas and turn
the wheel, I'm gone
Gotta see if he's
apart too long
Turn up the radio
and play it loud
Don't need no for any doubt
Don't matter what
you want to do
Ride your lovin'
gonna see me through
Just want to drive
till the midnight hour
Can't stay away from
your lovin' flower
Stop drivin' let
the sunshine in
Don't know what
kind of state I'm in
Warm wind blowin'
through your hair
We could end up
almost anywhere
- You know, we've been
driving almost 10 minutes,
I haven't seen another
car on this highway.
- This isn't a highway,
it's Dexter Moyers' driveway.
Don't ready and slide on in
- [ALF] Wow, a shopping mall.
- Okay, I'll admit
it, I'm intimidated.
- I'll go in and
check things out,
if you stay here with ALF.
- Get some rice pudding.
- Will you get down
behind the seat?
- Oh, hey look.
Another gin bottle.
Dead soldier.
(glass smashing)
- Get down.
- [Machine Voice]
Kindly state your name
and nature of business.
- Melissa Hill,
I'm here to see Doctor
Moyers, he's expecting me.
- [Machine Voice]
Please wait, processing.
- Melissa?
- Yes.
- I'm Nina, Doctor
Moyers' assistant.
Please, come in.
Your friend too.
- You know, I
thought that I would
talk to Doctor Moyers first.
- Of course.
He looks almost human.
- That's my associate,
Rick Mullican.
- Oh.
- May I offer you a refreshment?
- No, no thanks.
- Wasted trip.
- Talk about almost human.
- That's Rocket, our server-bot.
- Melissa.
- Pleasure to meet you
again, Doctor Moyers.
- Please, it's Dexter,
and call me Dex.
I can't believe it,
you are the spitting
image of your dad.
- So I've been told.
- Sit down.
Your father was quite a guy.
I'll never forget the first
time I met him at NASA,
we were working on a
secret missile project,
and the first thing he
did was pull out a picture
of his nine-year-old
daughter, Pork Chop.
- Pork chop?
- Yeah, he named you after
his most glorious moment,
when he and his battalion
took Pork Chop Hill.
- Hors d'oeuvres.
- You hungry?
- No.
No thank you.
- Oh for two.
- I should get back to the car.
- Pull in the garage,
you can come in the back.
- Great.
And thank you for--
- Aiding and abetting?
It's my pleasure.
I gotta tell you,
I'm very excited about
meeting your friend.
- He's a handful.
- Well, we'll try and
make him feel safe.
And I promise I won't
call you Pork Chop.
Anyway, I know your
middle name is Angel.
- That's right.
- Much more fitting.
- I'm gonna go get
my friends now.
- Okay.
- So, everything all right?
Did you see Moyers?
- Yes, and he is
terrific, he's perfect.
- Would that gorgeous
young earthling
who answered the door
happen to be Missus Moyers?
- No, I think he's single.
- Let's hope they
have a hot tub.
- Welcome back.
- Rick, this is Doctor Moyers.
Dexter.
Dex.
Dex, this is Rick Mullican.
- Hi Rick.
- Doctor, heard a lot about you.
- I want to thank you
both for risking so much
to save the alien life form.
Speaking of which,
where's the little guy?
- ALF?
- [ALF] What?
- You can come in now.
- [ALF] Not so fast.
They have a cat.
Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty.
Here, kitty kitty kitty.
(cat meowing)
- ALF, get in here.
- [ALF] I'll be back
with my boning knife.
- ALF, this is
Doctor Dexter Moyers.
- Howdy partner.
- Well Doctor Moyers,
what do you think?
- I think this is
the moment I've been
waiting for, my entire life.
- Me too.
- Well, come on in.
- Not so fast.
What's the seventh
planet from the sun?
- Uranus?
- Lay down McDuff.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Amazing, absolutely amazing.
- Would you care for
an eighth dessert, sir?
- Muchos gracias, rock meister.
Keep 'em coming.
- That's the extent of the
rice pudding, I'm afraid.
Unless you'd like to
lick the container.
- I would indeed.
- Another gallon of cam
juice to wash it down?
- How did you know?
- I must be psychic.
- Your metabolism is incredible,
what's your diet like on Melmac?
- Fruits, vegetables,
free range kitten.
Pretty strict, I used to
be an underwear model.
- So many questions
I want to ask you,
about space, time, the universe.
- I have a few
questions for you.
Questions about Nina.
Her likes, her dislikes,
and would she like to
be an underwear model?
- This is the most incredible
place I have every seen, Dex.
I could live here.
- There's plenty of room.
- What do you think
of the joint, Rick?
You haven't said much.
- Oh, obviously,
it's pretty amazing,
I mean the computers,
the communication hookup,
production facilities.
I can't think of
anything you don't have.
(ALF sneezing)
- Napkins.
You could use more napkins.
- I'll put napkins
on the shopping list.
- You do your own shopping?
- Yeah, and the cooking.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Does that surprise you?
- No, I thought
maybe Nina did it.
- No, Nina doesn't cook.
- She doesn't have to.
And you never will.
(ALF belching)
- You rang sir?
- No, but while you're here,
would you mind vacuuming my lap?
Nina needs a clean place to sit.
- I'll return with the shop vac.
Next time I'll remember
to lay down a tarp.
- That's the first robot
I've seen with attitude.
- Yeah, I modeled
him after my ex-wife.
- You designed Rocket yourself?
- Yeah, when I was at NASA.
- Wow.
He shops, he cooks,
he builds robots.
- Guess I'm quite a guy, huh?
- Yeah, speaking of NASA,
what happened over there
that caused you to
get drummed out?
- Dex wasn't drummed out.
He resigned because
the government
was suppressing information
that he thought
should be made public.
- Ah.
- If I ever use that tone
of voice with you, smack me.
- Here's what happened.
In 1978, two other
NASA test pilots and I
spotted a UFO over Utah,
and I was the only
one to publicly admit
we'd seen anything.
- The government denied
everything and Dex was demoted,
but he could have been
the next man on the moon.
- The first guy was sure a bust.
- Neil Armstrong?
- Yeah.
He had about as much
personality as sled tracks.
And that one giant step thing,
I mean, who was
his speechwriter?
Andy Rooney?
- No, I think Neil came
up with that himself.
- They should have
left him on the moon.
- Didn't I read
something, somewhere,
about you being implicated
in the lobo incident?
- The lobo incident
was the biggest lie
the government ever
made up about me.
- Let's just drop it.
Okay, Rick?
- Fine.
- How do you feel about dating
outside of your species?
- It wouldn't be the first time.
(laughing)
- Isn't she delightful?
- If I recall correctly,
the government accused you
of being an informant
or something, right?
- Rick!
- No no no, I didn't
say it, they did.
- You're being really
discourteous to our host.
- Yeah, after all
he's provided us.
- You're right.
I apologize, I was out of line.
- Look, my only purpose
even in the beginning,
was to go public with the truth.
Some people don't like that.
- Wait a minute.
Is that the plan?
You want to go public with ALF?
- Absolutely.
Once people know ALF
exists, he'll be safe.
- And let's not forget the
merchandising possibilities.
- Do you really want
to see ALF dolls
in all the toy stores?
- As long as they're plush.
I don't render well in vinyl.
- You're serious about
exposing ALF to the public!
- Yeah.
I'm expecting a call
from Nigel Neville.
- Nigel Neville?
From Global Television Network?
- He's an old friend of mine.
- Of course.
- I'm trying to get ALF booked
on his show tomorrow night.
It'll be broadcast
worldwide from London.
- Nigel Neville Live?
You really think
that's the best way
to reveal ALF to the world?
- Rick has a point.
I say we hold out for Baywatch.
- If anybody's interested,
I think it's a big risk.
Getting on a plane,
flying to London,
and putting ALF completely
at the mercy of the media.
- We're not taking ALF anywhere.
We'll do the interview from
here by satellite feed.
I'd never put ALF in harm's way.
- Now, don't you feel foolish?
We'll do London
another time, Ducky.
(romantic instrumental music)
Psst, Rick?
Rick wake up.
- ALF, what are you doing?
- I need to contact
Murphy on the internet,
but I don't know how
to work Dex's computer.
- Why don't you get
Dex to help you?
- Rick, I've never
seen you like this.
- There's something about the
guy, I just don't like him.
- No, I mean from this angle.
I thought I had a
lot of nose hair.
Come on, come on, let's go.
- Oh man.
- All right, here's
a list of the things
I want Murphy to send me.
I promised Nina nylons.
I hope she looks good
in Air Force blue.
- You really think you've
got a chance with her?
- I do if I can
get those nylons.
Oh, give me the list, I
forgot to add oysters.
- What's Nina gonna
do with oysters?
- They're not for
her, they're for me.
- Hey ALF,
what do you make of this?
Oh.
- You boys having
trouble sleeping?
- No, no, ALF just needed
to use the computer.
- Well I was just concerned,
because when the
computer is turned on,
so are the security cameras,
and everything in this
room gets videotaped.
- Oh,
he just wanted to send
something over the internet,
this list of items.
- Maybe I can help.
- Yeah Rick, get up.
Let someone who knows what
they're doing get in there.
- If you need me
I'll be in my room.
- We won't need you.
Now, about the last
item on this list here.
I think that we should
specify strapless.
(knocking on door)
- Melissa?
Melissa?
- Who is it?
- It's Rick.
- Come in.
- Oh, hi.
Look, I'm sorry, I've been
acting like a jealous idiot.
- Apology accepted.
Goodnight.
- Yeah, but that doesn't
change my mind about Dexter.
In fact, I just saw
something on his computer
that makes me even
more suspicious.
- Like what?
- I don't know,
a file called Operation Payback.
It's a list of
names, timetables,
numbers, big numbers.
It has something to do with ALF.
- Just wanted to make sure
everything was
all right in here.
- Rick was just
saying goodnight.
- That's a great idea, we've
got a big day tomorrow,
a monumental day, we
should all get some sleep.
- Yeah.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Rick.
- I get the feeling Rick's
a little apprehensive
about our plans for tomorrow.
- He's okay.
He just wants to make sure
we're doing the right thing.
- Do you think we're
doing the right thing?
- Oh I do.
I do.
Aren't we?
- Telling the truth's
always the right thing.
I'll see you in the morning.
Goodnight, Angel.
(soft orchestral music)
(dramatic instrumental music)
- A few more curly fries
from underneath the bed,
and I think we'll
have it all, sir.
- How long were they here?
- Six hours, sir.
- Six hours?
- Burnt sienna.
- Close,
we're very close gentlemen.
Put that in the bag, Sergeant.
Thank you.
(phone ringing)
(ALF belching)
- You mean to tell me there's
nothing on the videotape?
- He must have turned
off the security camera.
- And no one heard
a car starting,
and somebody driving away?
- I'm afraid not, sir.
- Hold a moment please.
It's the London Times,
they want to know why
Nigel Neville bumped
Nelson Mandela off the show
tonight, to interview you.
- Tell them to watch,
and they'll find out.
- Your scones sir,
and clotted cream.
- Oh right, rock of ages.
Where's the cheddar cheese?
- I'll leave for
Wisconsin, immediately.
- Drive safely.
- Good morning.
You wanted to see me?
- Yeah Melissa, I do.
- Yo Dex, let me tell her.
Guess who flew the
coop last night?
I'll give you a hint.
Rick.
- Rick's gone.
- Bailed, took a powder,
vamoosed, splitsville,
hasta la vista baby.
- Where did he go?
- We thought you might know.
- How would I know?
- Did he discuss it with
you, or leave a note?
- No.
I'm just as
surprised as you are.
- Okay.
Find him.
- Where do you
think he went, ALF?
- Beats me.
Pass the donuts.
- [Man On Phone]
Lab administration.
- Pete?
- Hey Rick, is that you?
- Thank God, you're
in the office.
- Hey man, where are you?
- I'm off base.
Way off base.
Anyway, I guess by now everybody
knows what happened, huh?
- You mean like you
guys going AWOL,
and abducting a
military hostage?
Hey, there's some speculation.
- I'll bet.
Listen Pete,
I need a favor.
- Well what do you need, Rick?
- [Rick] I want you to
access the central data bank.
Get me any information you can
on a military scandal
called the lobo incident.
- Lobo, huh?
That sounds familiar.
- [Rick] Yeah, it happened
around 1979, maybe '80.
- [Pete] All right, I'm on it.
Hey where do I get
in touch with you?
- [Rick] You can't.
I'll call you back.
- [Pete] Okay well,
give me an hour,
and I'll try to have
something by then.
- Thanks Pete, I appreciate it.
- Hey Rick,
it's good talking to you.
You take care, okay buddy?
- Yeah, you too, thanks.
- Did you get that, Reese?
- Every word, sir.
We're tracing the
call right now.
- Find him, son.
For Mama.
- 47-inch waist.
- I'm going on a diet
after the holidays.
- 15-inch neck.
- Look, I'll save
you a lot of trouble.
I'm the same suit
size as Danny Devito,
and the same dress
size as his wife.
- The satellite
uplink is online,
but we're still having trouble
with the phone line to Kuwait.
- Keep me posted.
- 42-inch sleeve.
- What are you doing?
- I'm fitting ALF
for his spacesuit.
- I want to look
authentic on the air.
- You're the real thing, how
much more authentic do we need?
- Dex is getting a
little stagefright.
We'll talk later.
(phone ringing)
- Yeah.
- You know Dex,
I've been thinking about
being merchandised.
We've gotta be careful.
I don't want it to
look like we sold out.
- That's right, a '59 Caddy.
- You know, like putting
those Disney characters
on a diaper pail was
an embarrassment,
probably the reason
Katzenberg left.
- [Dex] Good, now
find the driver.
- And I think we
should draw the line
on extruded cheese products,
and anything gelatinous.
Let's not follow in
Bill Cosby's footsteps.
- Fine, nothing gelatinous.
- Hi, ALF, what are
you doing on the table?
- I'd like to think of
it more as a pedestal.
- The lighting director says
he's ready to talk to you.
- Great, if you're
not lit right,
the camera can add 20
pounds to your nose.
We learned that from the
Gerard Depardieu movies.
- Dex, can I talk
to you for a minute?
- I'll go help ALF.
- What's on your mind?
- Rick, have we heard from him?
- No, not a thing.
- I'm a little
worried about him.
After all we are, were,
in this together.
- Sorry he let you down.
- Last night when he
came into my room,
he was really upset.
He said that he saw
something on your computer.
I didn't really think
much of it at the time,
but I just overheard
a conversation between
two of your associates,
and they were talking
about the same thing.
What is Operation Payback?
- More coffee?
- No, no.
- I'll take a cup
of that java, ma'am.
- Sir.
- Captain.
Guess you'd better
make that to go, hon.
Yes!
- I'm sorry it had
to come down to this,
because I really do
like you, you know.
- I can't believe I
led ALF into a trap.
- Don't think of it as a trap,
think of it as an opportunity.
I promise you ALF won't be hurt,
he's much too valuable for that.
- I know, merchandising.
- Melissa, you don't understand.
ALF is the merchandise.
- You're selling ALF?
- To the highest bidder.
But only once I
prove to the world
that extraterrestrial
life exists.
- You're never gonna
get away with this,
the government will hound
you until the day you die.
- No, they can't, Angel.
- Don't ever call me that.
- Once I expose ALF, the
government has no credibility,
and I think you deserve
something for that.
How about a million dollars
and safe passage
out of the country?
- I hate you.
- Think about it.
Consider your options.
Want to watch some TV?
I hear Nigel Neville has a
pretty good show on tonight.
- We will find the alien
whether you cooperate or not.
- Sure, it just might take
a little longer if I don't.
- We've got him in our sights.
I've ground units covering
a 600-mile radius.
- Oh, you're assuming
they're traveling by land.
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
I was just saying, if they're
in private plane for example,
every hour that
ticks by puts them
hundreds of miles further away.
- You listen to me, you
traitorous little twerp.
You better come clean
and quickly, too,
or I'm gonna kick
your butt so hard,
your breath's gonna
smell like shoe polish.
- All right, I'll cooperate.
I knew you were monitoring
those phone calls into the base.
I wanted you to find me.
I'm ready to make a deal.
- What kind of deal?
- I'll lead you to them,
if you promise not to
harm ALF or Melissa.
- Why would I agree to that?
- Because if you don't find
them in the next 50 minutes,
it'll be too late.
ALF will be revealed
to the world,
and your entire
career will be a sham.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- That's enough Louie,
I'm not Burt Reynolds.
- Six minutes to
air, Doctor Moyers.
- The bidders standing by?
- All but the King of Yemen.
He's still in morning prayers.
- He'd better pray he's
got enough money to bid
by the time it
gets around to him.
By the way, US dollars only,
no rubles, no yen, no
francs, no drachmas,
and definitely no pesos.
50 million dollar opening bid,
and increments of 10
million after that.
Where's ALF?
- Green room.
How do you feel, cutie?
- A tad nervous.
I thought I'd open with
a couple of toilet jokes,
to get the English
audience on my side.
Hey, hey, just walk away, Renee.
I don't want to
appear overly groomed.
- You look adorable.
- How you doin' champ?
- Oh oh.
What do you think?
- Why does he have
an ascot and a pipe?
- He asked for them, sir.
- I work well with props.
- You don't need props.
Just go out there
and be yourself.
Get rid of these.
- I'll mail them
back to Hugh Hefner.
- I thought I'd open
with a joke, or two.
No no, no jokes, ALF.
- Here's one,
what's the difference between
a shower curtain
and toilet paper?
- I don't know.
- So you're the one!
(laughing)
Get it?
Then I thought I'd segue
into some of the B material.
- No jokes.
- Gee Dex, I'm starting to
see a big change in you.
Are you getting enough sleep?
- Three minutes to air.
- I'll bring you out right after
the first commercial break.
- Who's the sponsor?
- What different does it make?
- I just don't want to follow
some feminine hygiene product.
- I gotta go.
- You know, there must be a way
to work in some of these jokes,
without looking too obvious.
- He said, no jokes
ALF, and he means it.
- Gee Nina, I'm starting to
see a change in you, too.
- [Nigel] Hey Dex, do
you hear me, buddy?
- Loud and clear, Nigel.
- You want to give me some idea
of what we're talking
about tonight.
- You're gonna have to
trust me on that one, Nige.
I haven't let you
down yet, have I?
- No, now wouldn't be
a good time to start.
Nelson Mandela is
a little miffed.
- I'll bet.
- We're up on the bird, and
the phone lines are open.
- They'd better be,
there's a lot at stake.
- All right, we're going
to remote everyone.
In five, four, three, two, and--
- Good evening.
Tonight on Nigel Neville Live,
we'll be talking to
Doctor Dexter Moyers,
America's leading
authority on UFO's,
cult figure,
best-selling author.
He says that tonight we're
in for a bit of a surprise,
so stay put, would you?
- I've been thinking.
Maybe going on that
English guy's TV program
isn't the right approach.
I could make more money
in a concert tour.
- You're going on
TV, and it's settled.
You'll do fine, Sweetie, really.
- I want to talk to Melissa.
I could be making
a bad career move.
- ALF, now isn't really the
time to talk to Melissa.
She's, she's busy.
- Dexter Moyers,
there he is folks,
renegade test pilot,
NASA scientist,
almost walked on the moon.
How are you, buddy?
- I'm great, Nigel.
(belching)
- I have to use the
little alien's room.
- You can't.
- I must.
- ALF! No.
- I must.
- Get back here.
- A lot of folks at NASA,
when the name Dexter
Moyers is mentioned,
talk about sour grapes.
You once reported
sighting a UFO,
and your government
not only denied it,
but made sure that you
never reported another,
or so you say.
What's the real story, Dex?
- The real story
unfolds tonight, Nigel.
It's the culmination
of all my years
of believing the existence
of extraterrestrial life.
Tonight, the truth
will be known,
and I'll be vindicated, because
now there is living proof.
- Whoa whoa whoa,
hold it right there.
Are you telling me
that somewhere on the
face of this Earth
there is an actual alien?
- There is an
actual alien, Nigel,
and he's right here in
this studio with me,
in a minute, you and
millions of your viewers
are gonna meet him.
- Oh come on, Dex.
- He's from the planet,
Melmac, and his name is ALF.
- Well that's pretty
serious stuff, Dex.
And we'll be right
back to check it out.
In a minute folks, we'll find
out whether it's a scoop,
or a hoax, so stand
by to meet ALF.
Stay put, won't you?
- Please come out for me now.
- [ALF] Where's
the room freshener?
- ALF come out, they
are ready for you now.
- Doctor Moyers.
Doctor Moyers.
- Where's ALF?
- He's locked himself
in the bathroom.
- What?
- He doesn't want
to do the show.
- Well get him out of
there, knock down the door,
just bring it, go on.
- ALF!
Come out, they're ready for you.
- [ALF] I can't, my
foot's stuck in the bidet.
- Please?
- Get out of the
way, open up ALF.
- [ALF] Back off
buddy, take a number.
- They're on the air.
- How's my hair?
- Sparse.
- Get out.
- Well, we're back folks
with Dexter Moyers, and ALF.
- Are you there, Dex?
- Right here, Nigel.
- Well, we're all sitting
on the edge of our chairs,
with our breath baited.
We're ready to meet ALF.
- [Man] He's still
locked in the john.
- He doesn't seem to
be here at the moment.
- Now why doesn't
that surprise me?
- I mean he's here,
in the studio.
He's just not here beside me.
He's getting his nose powdered,
he's a little sensitive about
how big it appears on TV,
you understand.
- We've got to move
things along, Dex.
We've got the whole
world watching.
- I'm sure they're
getting him right now.
- Gosh, I don't know
what's happened.
We seem to have lost
our satellite feed.
- The show's over, Dexter.
You've been canceled.
All right Lieutenant, let's
mop up this operation.
And I want that alien unharmed.
- Yes, sir.
- ALF, open up.
Hey hey hey.
- Well folks, as I said
before the commercial,
this was either a
scoop, or a hoax,
and now I guess we
know which one it was.
We'll take another
commercial break,
and when we come
back, we'll talk--
- Take your hands
off me, airman.
Let go of me.
- Relax, these are the
good times, Captain.
Enjoy the fruits of your labor.
- Rick?
- Melissa?
Hey go easy with her, I
thought we had a deal?
- How about this
for deal, Captain?
You and your associate
get to be court marshaled,
plus, and I'm throwing
this in as a bonus,
the alien will be
dead by next week.
That good enough for you?
- I knew you
couldn't be trusted.
The committee should
know what it is
you've been planning all along.
- [Gilbert] Yeah, what's that?
- This is the requisition form
for the poison serum
you ordered to kill ALF.
- What serum?
- Let me refresh your memory.
Level three
biohazardous material,
section 12-801,
requested by you.
- I didn't request
anything, Captain.
In fact, I think if
you look closely,
you'll see Lieutenant
Reese's signature
on that piece of
paper, not mine.
That's what Second Lieutenant's
are for, to take the fall.
Nevertheless,
let me file that
for safekeeping.
Oh my, oh dear, look at this.
Oh what a shame.
Well, it was a worthless
piece of paper anyway.
- Nice working with you, sir.
- Sergeant.
Take him away.
He disgusts me.
(humming)
- All right fellas,
once more from the top.
A one, and a two,
and a kick, kick.
Now come on men, lighten up.
It's me, your ex-bookie.
- Welcome back.
- Thanks.
Forgive me, if I don't get up.
- Well well well,
didn't you lead us on
a merry little chase?
A delightful little
chase indeed.
- You don't seem to delighted.
- Oh, but I am.
In fact, I couldn't be happier.
See, your escape
attempt will prove
to be the final
nail in your coffin.
- What escape attempt?
I was kidnapped.
- Oh please.
We both know that
Hill and Mullican
weren't acting on their own.
You manipulated their minds,
you clouded their thoughts.
- I think you have me confused
with the psychic hotline.
- Now you listen to me,
you furry little freak.
When we exterminate you,
we're gonna be sending a message
to every other
extraterrestrial out there.
We will no longer
be intimidated,
not me, not my mama, not anyone.
- Your mama?
Did he say his mama?
Where did that come from?
- You drove my mama insane,
you and your kind.
- I didn't even know your mama.
I'm sure she was a great mama.
- In 48 hours, the
committee will reconvene
to determine your future,
or the lack of it,
to be more precise.
Project: ALF is about
to be terminated,
not just the
project, but the ALF.
Arrivederci, baby.
- Any chance of me
getting a cappuccino?
(guns cocking)
Apparently not.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I can honestly say that I
really had my doubts
about you, Colonel.
- Oh really, why sir?
- Well, I always thought you
had your own personal agenda.
But obviously, the whole country
owes you a huge
vote of confidence.
- I thank you, General.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh, speaking of votes.
Would you happen to know when
the New Hampshire primary is?
- March or April, I think.
Why?
- Just curious.
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
- Permission to enter sir?
- What is it, Lieutenant?
- Before your committee
reconvenes, General Stone,
I have a videotape that you
may be interested in seeing.
- Look, we've seen
all the videotapes
on the alien we need
to see, thank you.
- ALF's not in this one, sir.
You are.
- What?
- Allow me.
- This is the requisition form
for the poison serum you
ordered to kill ALF with.
- What serum?
- Well let me
refresh your memory.
Level three,
biohazardous material,
section 12-801,
requested by you.
- I didn't request
anything, Captain.
In fact, if you look close,
you'll see Lieutenant
Reese's signature
on that piece of
paper, not mine.
See, that's what Second
Lieutenants are for,
to take the fall.
But let me file that
for safekeeping.
- Permission to be excused sir?
- Permission granted.
It is the further
determination of this panel,
that an official apology
be sent to all of you.
- Suitable for framing, we hope.
- Absolutely, ALF.
- Good, I have the frames,
5.99 each, today only.
- As far as this
committee is concerned
we will do everything possible
to guarantee the
safety and comfort
of our ambassador from
another galaxy, ALF.
- This ambassador is
pretty high-maintenance.
- We know, we've
seen the food bills.
- Lastly we would like to thank
our fine young officers
for a job well-done.
To First Lieutenant,
Harold Reese,
for bringing certain
evidence to our attention,
and to Colonel Melissa Hill,
and Major Rick Mullican,
for their exceptional courage
and dedication upon yourself,
our congratulations
to all of you,
on your pending promotions.
- Hear that?
I'm still your superior officer.
- Permission to discuss
it over dinner, Colonel?
- Permission granted.
- The banquet you ordered sir.
- I've taken the liberty of
having my assistant, Rocket,
provide us with a little nosh.
- What a mensh.
- It's the least I could
do to show my appreciation.
Go ahead, Rocky
Wagner, do your thing.
- I'm in robot hell.
Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels.
- Help yourselves folks,
they're only a dollar a bag.
- Well then, if there
is no further business,
this hearing is--
- Wait, wait, let me do it.
This hearing is impaired.
Aha.
- [Rick] Do you
have a gavel truck?
Where did you get this?
(dramatic orchestral music)