Psych 3: This Is Gus (2021) Movie Script

[heroic music]
[sirens wail]
[indistinct chatter]
I don't know what's going on.
I didn't do any of this.
You can see this all
unfolding behind us here.
The killer had,
up until this point,
managed to elude
- Excuse me.
- Despite leaving behind...
Excuse me, please. Thank you.
Excuse me.
This is outrageous.
My client has no comment.
Step aside, please.
We need to get him in
for processing.
Hold on.
You got the wrong guy.
That's right.
I'm back.
Drink it in.
Who's this guy?
He's the chief of police.
[excited chatter]
Aren't you supposed
to be rehabbing right now?
As long as I've got
a police scanner,
consider me multitasking
and on the job.
I will, sir.
From here on out.
Now listen up,
because this one's got a twist.
[excited chatter continues]
- Your suspect has chest hair.
- Chest hair?
I mean, it's child's play
compared to mine,
but our killer waxes.
Okay, but we have
matching tire prints.
Right tires, wrong wear.
But he's got
the same neck tattoo
as the ATM security footage.
Wrong side of the spine.
Chief, all due respect,
but this would require a
frame job of epic propositions.
Which is why you need
to arrest his lawyer.
His own lawyer framed him.
It's simple.
You take an empanada,
wrap it in a burrito.
Excuse me?
- Uh...
- Gus, quiet!
I know it is not on the menu,
but an empanada-rito is not
an unreasonable request
because they have
made it for me in the past.
Nope. Nope.
I won't do it, Shawn.
Their tortillas cannot support
the filling and the weight
of a pastry shell.
I'm not gonna walk up
to the takeout counter
looking like an amateur,
especially when I only have
one more hole left
on my punch card!
Gus, don't be Adrien Brody's
last breath in "The Village."
I am trying to break down
Lassiter's case here.
Will you kindly suck it?
- You suck it.
- Suck it!
Did he just tell me
to suck it?
- You suck it.
- You suck it.
You flame-suck it.
Flame-suck it!
I think he told you
to flame-suck it.
How dare you?
Wait a second.
Is this thing on when I press
the button or when I let it go?
Oh, my gosh.
So how does this tortilla
fit into the case?
Lass, can you hear me?
Um, it does by, um,
by virtue of the, um...
Hey, that's a fun word to say.
He's improvising, Gus.
This could be trouble,
and it's your fault.
It's not good.
It's not good.
If you could've wait
five minutes,
controlled your appetite,
five minutes, we could've
order, like gentlemen.
- I have been waiting, Shawn.
- We could've done this first,
and then everything
would've been...
I have been waiting.
I have been waiting.
Ah, screw it.
You know what you did.
- What?
- Book him, McNab.
On what?
Book him.
Get him out of here.
Get that lousy sack of crap
out of here.
Okay, well, he... he wrapped
it up. He's walking away.
He must have pulled it off,
no thanks to you.
- Suck it, Shawn.
- Suck it, sucki-tavi.
- Suck it, sucki-tavi?
- Suck it, sucki-tavi.
- Suck it.
- Sick-tav.
- Suck it, suck it.
- Tav.
- Suck it.
- Suck-tav.
- Suck it, suck it
- Rikki-tikki, tikki
- Rikki-tikki, tikki
- Suck it, suck it
The mongoose
killed the snake
- Sss-ka!
- The mongoose
- Killed the snake
- Sss-ka!
The mongoose
killed the snake
- That mongoose killed the
- Sss-ka!
Of course
I want rice and beans.
- Get extra guac.
- And extra guac, please.
I was so humiliated.
Oh, come on, Lass.
You're acting like
we did it on purpose.
Look, we gave them
more than enough
to think twice
about the arrest,
and you cut a mean silhouette.
I mean, look at
that pocket square
sticking out like
a little hipster turtlehead.
Now, let's get you home, huh?
Gus and I have a long day
ahead of us.
This thing really drives
from either side?
You kidding?
It's the Dualberry.
That means it's got
two of everything.
Two steering wheels,
two sets of brakes,
seven ashtrays,
zero cupholders,
and exactly
one working spark plug.
It's great if you feel
like delivering mail
or pulling into
a drive-through backwards.
Do you mind if I, um,
ride in the driver's seat?
Don't think
we're having a moment.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
You're having a moment.
I'm just watching,
like Mr. Miyagi
at the very, very end
of "Karate Kid 1."
Of course,
if you're really feeling it,
we can hold hands.
I would rather wear those
shoes that look like gloves.
All right.
Damn it, I miss this.
Look, Lassie,
you can drive Gus and I around
any time you want.
- Isn't that right, Gus?
- Shawn, you don't
interrupt a man when
he's selecting napkin rings.
He's been a little lost
in wedding planning lately.
Yeah, don't care.
How do you two want
to handle tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
- Well, obviously,
there'll be a briefing
on our case.
I need to know how I came up
with all that stuff.
Now, why is Gus
just saying "nope"?
Tell him, Shawn.
Tell me what, Shawn?
Well, Lassie, I know this has
been a big case for the SBPD,
and the last few weeks
have seemed like old times,
but the truth is
we can't keep coming down here
and helping you solve crimes
from the bush.
But the good news is,
you don't need us.
I mean, look at yourself, man.
Look at your beard.
You're ready to fly,
like an eagle or a shark,
into the future.
My gut is telling me pewter.
But this brushed nickel has
some real nice weight to it.
Nope. You're doing it.
Lassie, might I remind you
that we live five hours away?
They're coming after my job.
They're circling like wolves.
Who's circling? Buzz?
Buzz McNab?
He does have
those little fangs.
Look, you don't need us, okay?
You're Lassiter.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Shawn.
- Hey, Magic Head.
- Hello.
- Dad, I've got some bad news.
- What's that, honey?
You're gonna have to do
my math homework for me.
I'm feeling kind of lazy
and Mom says
it's too hard for her.
Your mother's doing something
clever, Lily, called lying.
Besides, Daddy's got a date
with the police scanner.
You don't show tomorrow,
you're dead to me.
Dad, we're not done
talking about this.
- What do you want?
- Whoa.
Pop, I haven't seen you
in weeks.
Consider this a wellness check.
- Can I come in?
- I'm busy, Shawn.
What do you need?
Spit it out.
Okay, fine.
I need you
to hide in the bushes
and help Lassie solve cases.
I am too old
to play Cyrano, Shawn,
and I told you this was
a bad idea to get involved.
- He's not ready yet.
- Really?
'Cause he tried to run over
a squirrel on the way home.
He's plateauing.
He hasn't made
significant progress in months.
Doctor says
it could be a phase.
It also could be
his new normal.
And he's terrified
of never being a cop again.
You know that's
how he defines himself.
You guys coming down here
to give him some hope,
that's great.
But you can't give him
false hope.
Do you understand?
Oh, no, I had no idea.
All right, look.
I'll give him a call.
I'll talk him
through bits of the case.
But that's it.
Anything else?
Yeah. Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I'm having
a bit of a crisis of my own.
Oh, good luck with that.
Hey! What is this?
Ow, ow, ow!
I come by
to talk to my father.
I'm reaching out.
This is the kind of stuff
you live for.
Oh. Do you have a woman
back there?
Smells like wood.
Do you have a wooden woman
back there?
Wait, wait.
Shawn, whatever you need,
you can say it from right here.
It's Gus.
It just feels like
we're drifting apart.
I mean, lately
I'll send him a text,
and he just responds
with an emoji,
or by emphasizing my text.
And I'm like,
"I know. I sent it."
All male friendships die
at fatherhood, Shawn.
I tried to prepare you for this
when you were younger.
I don't remember that.
That's because you have
a very selective memory.
Well, sure, what's the point
of having a memory
if you can't choose
what to remember?
- It's called America.
- All right, look.
Here's the thing:
he is evolving.
And this next chapter
in Gus' life
is gonna be like nothing
he's ever experienced before,
and he couldn't
be less prepared.
And I suspect he is gonna love
every waking moment.
Well, guess what.
I'm evolving too,
so how come
we can't evolve together,
like NSYNC, when they opened
that hot dog stand?
Go talk to your best friend.
Tell him you love him.
Tell him you'll always
be there for him.
And you'll figure it out,
even if it doesn't involve
adjoining waterslides.
Shawn, we gotta bounce.
[sniffs deeply]
Are you building
a wooden woman?
Gus, I love you, man.
But we always said that if
one of us starts acting crazy
about our wedding
or looming childbirth,
the other one
would speak up, right?
I love you, too, Shawn,
and you just made up
that agreement.
I'm worried about us, man.
[exhales contentedly]
- Okay, what is this?
- It's an explosive device.
- Why is it giftwrapped?
- It's a gender-reveal box.
Didn't we use to make fun
of things like this?
Yes, but not anymore.
My baby's sex will be revealed
the way the good Lord
always intended...
in a glorious
nontoxic powder cloud
in front of 35
of my closest friends.
You don't have
35 close friends.
For the sake of my wedding,
I do.
Now, please,
unzip the wedding duffel.
If it starts to beep,
take cover.
This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Sorry, Shawn,
I just have so much
on my plate right now.
But you were married before.
Shawn, I was drunk on dark
rum, spiced rum, and wormwood.
I eloped.
That nearly killed my parents.
And now I'm on the road
to having a child
out of wedlock.
I can't do that
to my sweet mother's soul.
She needs a church wedding
and a baptism,
and that's what
she's gonna get.
So pick a date already.
I can't! Selene hasn't gotten
the divorce papers signed yet.
- Why not?
- I don't know.
Let me help you.
Give me this guy's name.
She won't
tell me that either.
That doesn't strike you
as weird?
Can we try the ice cream logs?
She says she wants
to take care of herself.
She says she doesn't need
some man to swoop in
to solve her problems for her.
- She said that?
- She did.
- Aloud?
- Yes!
Does she know
it would be us swooping in,
and that that's not
the same thing at all?
Shawn, I agreed
to let her take care of it,
which is why
I'm just trying to focus
on the things I can control.
- Like bouquets.
- And an officiant.
I put a pin in Father Westley
to perform the ceremony.
Father Westley specializes
in exorcisms.
He does weddings, too, Shawn.
He's also on Cameo.
But you are certain that
she wants a divorce, right?
Stop asking questions that
are freaking me out, Shawn.
I trust Selene.
I'll say it again.
I trust her.
- Okay.
- We're past eight months,
and that baby
won't stop gestating.
I tried to respect her wishes
and wait,
but the clock is expiring,
and I got a wedding to plan.
- [phone buzzes]
- I'm here for you, buddy.
Oh, crap. I gotta meet
with the videographer.
I'll be honest,
I didn't think we'd have
to take our pants off for this.
I didn't ask you to.
You are like toddlers.
Well observed.
Here's a question:
can mine be parachute pants?
- You must leave.
- Yep.
[phone pings]
Hey! You're back early.
Just wanted to make sure
I'm ready
for our couples dinner tonight.
Thought maybe we could spend
some couples time
doing couples things.
That's so many "couples"
for one sentence,
I'm immediately suspicious.
What are you up to?
Nothing. Just being super
sweet to my nighttime lover.
What do you say we crack
a wheel of cheese
and maybe run
a background check on...
Selene's husband? No.
You said you wanted
to do things together.
Selene is our family now,
and you have
to respect her wishes
and let her handle
the situation.
The situ...
so you know about that.
Of course I do.
She doesn't want
to talk about it.
- It's strange, right?
- It's not for us to judge.
You're wrong. We should
be judging everything
- all the time.
- Shawn. Shawn.
I finally have
a real adult friend,
and you are not going
to ruin my last shot
at being a godparent.
That's something we want?
Of course we do!
What if the kid is awful
or obsessed with crafts?
Shawn, Gus and Selene
both have sisters in line
in front of me.
And their kids are
the closest I'll ever get
to being a parent.
You know, now that we've
decided that we're not...
You know...
Hey, if you're having
second thoughts about...
Shawn, if neither of us
can even say "having a baby,"
I think we know
exactly where we are.
I can say it, and we can
reopen those discussions
right here, right now.
Or much later,
in the distant future.
Shawn, how old
do you think we are?
Younger than James Spader
when he did "Pretty in Pink."
And McCarthy. And Cryer.
Look, I know we agreed
that we don't have
to define ourselves by kids,
and we have rewarding careers
and a life we love.
It's just...
just feeling really final
all of a sudden.
Well, it doesn't have to.
We can change our minds.
There are creams
and balms and extracts
that will help us get pregnant.
Plus, they have
electric wombs and such.
I gotta go, Shawn.
I'll see you tonight.
It's gonna be social thing.
Yo, Chief.
- No.
- What?
I'm not running a background
check on Selene's husband.
Jules already called you?
Yeah, the second
you left her side.
Damn, that woman
can compartmentalize.
That's what's what we do.
Now, go away.
I'm packing.
Are you joining a cult?
No, I'm going on vacation
for the first time
in, like, ten years.
I've been working 60 hours
a week since I got here,
so I deserve to go camping
with my family,
far enough out in the woods
where cell phones
can't track me down.
Karen... may I call you that?
I mean, in light
of recent events?
I'm not changing my name.
I am trying to help
my best friend get married
before he has a baby out
of wedlock
and breaks his mother's heart.
So in a weird way,
I am the hero of this story,
just like Phil Collins
in "Buster."
They're waiting for you
downstairs in the courtroom.
Oh, no.
I am so late.
Could you call my husband
and just tell him that
I'll be a little delayed,
but I still think we can hit
the road by 6:00-ish?
- Okay.
- Tricky Vickie.
- Stop it.
- LL Cool K.
- Ooh, that's not happening.
- Chief Nasty Taquanda.
Shawn, I'm telling ya no.
What if this guy
is a deranged lunatic, huh?
And we're just inviting him
into our inner circle?
Come on, Chief. I know you.
I freaking know you.
And I can see that
you're suspicious, too.
- I'm telling you no.
- [clicks tongue]
And I'm leaving my office
Do with that what you will.
Just don't get caught,
or I will prosecute you.
[keyboard clacking]
[dramatic music]
- [line trills]
- What do you want, Shawn?
Hey, buddy.
Just thinking about ya.
Making this reservation
for dinner tonight.
How do you spell
Selene's last name?
- Gilmore, as in "Girls."
- That's what I thought.
I just thought it'd be fun
to make it under her name,
you know, in case
you two beat us there.
Will you repeat that?
Just spell it for me.
- Gilmore. G-I-L-more.
- Uh-huh.
Is there any chance
she's an 86-year-old man
- from Gwinnett, Georgia?
- You're being weird, Shawn.
I promise,
I'm not being weird.
It's just, are you
absolutely certain
that she's a human person?
I can't do this
with you right now.
All right, fine.
I'll talk to you tonight.
Whoa, before you go,
how dead set are you
on dinner not being weird
or uncomfortable?
[Gus hangs up]
[keyboard clacking continues]
Who are you, Selene Gilmore?
["I Know You Know" playing]
In between the lines,
there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity
If it's all right,
then you're all wrong
But why bounce around
to the same damn song?
You'd rather run
when you can't crawl
I know you know that
I'm not telling the truth
I know you know they
just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception,
learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end
I know you know
[elevator bell dings,
indistinct chatter]
And... he's not here.
[phone buzzes]
Hold on.
Woody, you should
be here by now.
Oh, don't be a Karen, Karen.
Have you ever heard the term
"fashionably late"?
- You're the defendant.
- Class is class.
Even when the state is trying
to prosecute you wrongfully.
Okay, get here now.
You have a little reprieve
because your public defender
still hasn't arrived yet.
Well, of course they aren't
there, because they are me.
Ta-da! I have decided
to represent myself.
Wait. Wait, what?
- No.
- Hear me out.
This way,
I can pocket the money
they had earmarked
for the public defender.
I figure I can drag out
the trial for six months,
build up a nice little
nest egg for myself,
and then plead out insanity.
Woody, I carved out
90 minutes for this hearing.
And you can't just decide
that you're an attorney.
I wasn't born yesterday.
I passed the Bar.
Is the judge going
to be wearing this?
I don't want
to step on his toes.
I sent all the pertinent
information to your assistant.
I think you'll find
it all checks out.
They're ready for us.
Woody, leave your house now.
I will stall, okay?
And on the way,
go over your statement.
Stick only to the facts.
You were not impersonating
a doctor for fun.
You were working undercover,
for Chief Carlton Lassiter,
who was in imminent danger
from the people
who were working
at the rehab facility.
And don't mention the surgery
that you tried to perform.
Oh, please, it was
a small outpatient surgery,
and I underbilled
the insurance company.
Okay, Woody,
I have another call.
Be here in ten minutes, or you
don't have a character witness.
Oh, I need an hour.
I just shaved my armpits.
I need to bronze...
[line clicks]
[forced laughter]
Hey, honey.
Yeah. Yeah, you were right.
Looks like we're not
getting out of here today.
Just take the stuff out
of the ice chest,
and then
we'll leave early tomorrow.
Okay. Yeah.
Uh, maybe you two go on ahead,
and I'll meet you there.
You're talking
about Kool & the Gang?
Yep. I can't hand-carve
a Kool & the Gang mobile
for my baby's crib
and not include
all the current and former
members of the band! Come on.
All I'm saying is,
a couple of those brothers
are gonna have
to share a string.
- Nope. Nope.
- So is it a nonstarter
to maybe make a few of them
a little smaller than Kool?
- That's a good idea, Juliet.
- Not happening.
Have you all ever
played the game
"What's My Social
Security Number"?
it's super fun.
Selene, why don't you go first?
- Don't pay him any mind.
- So help me, Shawn...
I'm simply initiating
an amusing table game.
You're doing exactly
what I asked you not to.
I have new information.
The chief is tangentially
on board.
- You dragged Karen in? How?
- I can't tell you that.
Also, she's gonna
change her name.
She's not going
to change her name.
It's been especially hard
on her daughter, Reba.
- Her daughter's name is Iris.
- It was a test.
- You passed.
- Shawn.
- Oh. Ooh!
- Let me see.
Tonight is going to be
the godparent ask.
- Tighten it up.
- Ouch!
[forced laughter]
You've created
an "ouch!" situation.
I'm gonna go
to the little boys' room.
And why don't you stay there
until you grow up?
Ha, I'm never
gonna grow up, Jules.
[all squealing]
All right.
[mischievous music]
What the hell are you doing?
Okay. I know this looks bad.
You stole my fiance's purse.
You are perfectly right
to be upset in this moment.
But there is upside.
One, I created
my own forensic science,
and it just might have worked.
Two, Selene, as it turns out,
does not exist.
- She what?
- For you. For you!
I selflessly did a little check
on the police database.
No. Nope.
Shawn, you're not going
to do it this time.
You accuse every woman I date
of being some sort of criminal.
You did it to Chelsea,
Rachael, Emmanuelle,
Ruby, the lady with the statue.
but from that list alone,
I was right more
than 50% of the time.
Wait. Who's Ruby?
Shawn, drop it,
or face the consequences.
- Is that a veiled threat?
- It's a naked-ass threat.
You've crossed the line, Shawn.
Okay, show me the line.
That's clean.
You must be out
of your damn mind! Stop it.
- You stop it.
- Stop it.
Do you think the guys would
- like a nice bottle of wine?
- Oh, yeah.
Gus is really stepping
his sophistication game up.
Mmm. What do you have
in a grenache?
A grenache?
Well, that depends,
how sophisticated are
these two gentlemen?
- [gags]
- Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.
[both grunting]
I need this purse, Gus.
It's for your own good.
[tense music]
Wait. Wait.
No. No. No.
Just let me do what I do,
and you can have this back.
I came to say "good night,"
Good night.
- Stand down.
- No.
- Jyess.
- [screams shrilly]
Well, would you like
to hear the specials?
- We love a special.
- Yeah, for sure.
Right. Well, we have
a certified organic algae bowl,
served family style
in a cast-iron cauldron
or for one drenched
in an edible sea sponge.
We should go on.
We also have a gluten-infused
cuatro quesos dos Fritos.
That's served on a bed
of warm sand.
Not too hot, just warm.
- Does it burn?
- What do you think?
I'm sorry I sprayed you
with Jyess.
But, you know, we really should
consider the possibility
that her plan is to take off
and steal this baby...
We also have
a sauerkraut gramble
that comes with a side puddle
of Salt Lake City fry sauce,
which is perfect for people
who like to dunk things.
- [growls]
- Get in there.
Get in there. Get in there.
Get in there. Get in there.
It's a very loose sauce,
and we just put it
on a flat plate.
- No. You wouldn't do that.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- No. You wouldn't do that.
[both scream]
[distant screams]
Does it seem like they've
been gone for a long time?
No, it seems
about right to me.
Oh, you know met these days.
They're just in there
for so long, always primping.
Um, no.
Our men don't primp.
You are a monster.
An absolute monster.
I am sorry
for lip-sticking your face.
But that's all I'm sorry for,
because you never
listen, Shawn. Ever.
And I know
you're only doing this
because you're afraid
I'm gonna disappear.
But let me remind you of the
African proverb/bumper sticker
that taught us it takes
a village to raise a child.
You're in my village, Shawn.
Well, thank you
for saying that.
But the reason I couldn't
find Selene's husband
is because she's not
in the police database,
or any database.
I'm sorry,
but she doesn't exist.
She does exist, Shawn,
and I'm marrying her,
and she's carrying our child.
Which is exactly why
you should be more concerned
than I am.
Dude, let's just ask her.
Oh, no. She will
never know about this.
And the only person
to ask is me.
Gus and Selene both have
sisters in line in front of me.
Doesn't Selene have a sister?
Haven't you met her?
Yes. Whitney.
I've been to her house once.
Gus, that's it.
I beg of you, let's pop by.
We'll ask one probing question.
That probably gets us
to the husband,
which gets us to your wedding.
Come on, man. We'll be
stealthy, like jackals.
[mumbles] Unless your
jackal switch is broken.
- What did you say?
- Huh?
Oh, I said unless your
jackal switch is broken, Jack.
My jackal switch
is never broken, Jack.
I'll do the
Jack-tagging around here.
Fine. And I'll do
the overnight jackal upgrade,
since it's been a minute.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Just... come on. Just...
And I think
she thought about it,
but no, she's not
gonna change her name.
I like Janet.
Janet Vick?
- Hey.
- So... we doing appetizers?
Oh, I can share something.
What are those?
These are
invitations swatches, Shawn.
Gus, it doesn't feel
like you're giving
this investigation
the attention it deserves.
It's not an investigation.
It's a formality.
Whitney's gonna clear up
this whole identity nonsense
in two minutes.
Now be quiet.
I have a more pressing issue.
I have to get
a wedding band booked.
Ha! You're calling
Curt Smith?
He's not gonna play
your wedding, dude.
- [phone buzzes]
- Warning: Guster calling.
Warning: Guster calling.
Warning: Guster calling.
I haven't decided yet,
Yes, you have.
Of course you want to be there
for the most special day
of my young life.
Well, for starters, you're
firmly ensconced in midlife,
and if you don't
mind me saying,
you're acting like
a bit of a groomzilla.
There were 11 calls
on my phone last night,
and you tried to access
my doorbell camera.
I just need a verbal
commitment from you now.
We're gonna clear up
this one issue
with my wife getting divorced,
and then the ceremony's
gonna go into overdrive.
I can't wait any longer.
Look, I'm not supposed
to tell anyone this,
but I have
a potential conflict.
I'm at the top
of a very short list
to join Andrew Ridgely's
newly reformed Wam.
What? Ridgely's putting Wham!
back together?
Is he allowed to do that,
like, legally?
Of course he is.
He cowrote "Club Tropicana,"
for Christ's sakes.
That seems like
a legal minefield, Curt.
No, he's taking the "H"
and the exclamation point
out of "Wham!"
It's a totally different
band name.
Tastefully understated.
No punctuation at all.
Curt, you know
that's never gonna fly.
And this wedding
is a guaranteed gig.
Let's get down to business.
Have you learned
"Thong Song" yet?
Don't ruin this
for me, guys.
I've got to be ready to pounce
if I get the offer?
Curt, I really need you.
Would it make a difference if
I threw in an extra 35 bucks?
Actually, it would.
My Man United bets haven't
been working out lately.
Done. I'll send over
the rehearsal info
the second we get
this marriage dissolved.
Quick question: how are
your videography skills?
[hangs up]
[knocks on door]
Hello, kind sir.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is partner,
Birdindahand Anddabush.
- My name is not Birdindahand.
- Anddabush.
My name is Burton Guster,
and this is my partner,
Potential Spam.
- I'll call later.
- We drove out
from San Francisco
to quickly clear up
a small understanding
we have about...
there she is.
Hey, baby girl...
My bad.
We just have a few questions.
Shouldn't take long.
Uh, you need to leave,
whoever you are.
Is this a joke?
It's me, Gus.
I was here in August.
I accidentally broke the lamp
and ate all the macadamia nuts.
She said
she doesn't know you.
You need to hit the bricks.
Sir, I'm Selene's
future husband.
Who's Selene?
Okay, I feel like
this is going sideways.
Can you bring Whitney
back out here, please?
- Who the hell's Whitney?
- Gus.
Who the hell is Whitney?
She's my fiance's sister.
And I don't like
what your words are doing
to my head right now.
My words are the least
of your head's problems.
- Gus.
- What?
- She's on the move.
- What the...
["Ladies' Night" playing]
Oh, yes,
it's ladies' night
And the feeling's right
Oh, yes,
it's ladies' night
- Oh, what a night
- Oh, what a night
What is happening?
Why's she pretending
not to know me?
This one's
a head-scratcher, Gus.
But I do have a theory.
I think she and Ke'Brian
are being held in that house
against their wills.
- Who's Ke'Brian?
- The guy, Gus.
- The guy who answered the door.
- Please.
That dude was clearly
an Arthroponos.
What? No.
You saw the way he was
rocking that pumpkin shirt.
That means big "K,"
little "e," plus an apostrophe.
Something unique... or Glen.
Dude, she is not
gonna make that turn.
I think you're right.
- Damn!
- Oh, my God!
[brakes squeal]
If she went limp,
she's probably fine?
Oh, my God, Shawn.
This will rue the day.
Oh, hey! Hey!
Are you okay?
Well, I just rolled my car!
How do you think I feel?
It's a mixed bag.
The launch angle was epic!
Leave me alone!
We have some questions
for you!
Yeah, well the less you know,
the better.
Selene's carrying my child!
Yeah. Well, okay... okay, look.
She hires me to be her sister.
And, actually, Selene
is one of many names she uses,
and you're not the first person
she's brought over.
She pays me 600 bucks
every time.
I pretend to be somebody
who can validate
one of her fake identities.
- So you're an actress.
- Yes, I am.
Have we seen you in anything?
Uh, do you have the Peacock?
- What's that?
- It's a streaming service.
Ah, there's
so many streamers.
You know what
she's talking about?
No, she's making that up.
Anything else?
Do you ever
watch USA Network?
Not since 2014.
And the last few seasons
of "Suits."
Okay, okay, she said
if anyone finds out
about our arrangement,
I am in extreme danger.
This woman is not
who you think she is.
- Is she Prince?
- She isn't Prince, Shawn.
- Whoa, where you going?
- We can still see you.
This plan is weird.
Why don't you let us
give you a ride?
Please let me go.
I'm scared.
And I can't help you.
Answer one more question.
Do you remember her talking
about living in Santa Monica?
Uh, that's...
where we met.
Can you fill in three numbers
and five letters
in an address, please?
Can you call my boyfriend?
Of course we can.
What's his name?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you have a minute?
It's kind of personal.
Yes. Yes, I do.
Do you want to... do you want
to ask me something?
Yes, I do.
It's just that...
Oh, actually,
I'm gonna sit down for this.
Okay. So...
No, I want to stand up.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Gus missed his appointment
with the wedding fire-eater.
- They have those?
- Apparently.
But the thing is,
is he never misses anything
in regards
to planning this wedding.
And now I can't get ahold
of him. Have you seen him?
I'm having
a serious dj vu right now.
- Um, I'm sure he's with Shawn.
- Yeah.
That's what I thought.
And then I found this.
They went through your purse?
If they're doing
what I think they're doing,
they're in grave danger.
And worse than that,
it's my fault.
We're gonna need backup.
You think Meghan Markle
invited the entire cast
of "Suits"
to the royal wedding?
Nope. She did not.
- Phones off, Shawn.
- What?
Selene and I have
the Find My Location feature
on our phone...
if we're gonna do this,
we have to be stealth mode
from here on out.
Gus, Jules and I trust
each other implicitly.
I would never do anything
to violate that oath.
Then again, I can't tell a lie
if my phone is off.
Hello, ma'am.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner,
Burton Guster-Rodriguez.
- Rodriguez?
- It's always been there, man.
Oh. We want to ask you a
few questions about this woman.
Oh, hell, no.
If I never see that woman again
in my life, it'll be too soon.
Her and that charismatic,
smooth-talking husband
of hers up
and damn disappeared.
Middle of the night.
And left all their junk.
No notice, no nothing.
I see.
And, uh, when was this?
- A couple years now.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's... let's go back.
How charismatic are we talking?
On a scale of you
to Daniel Kaluuya,
he's... Harry Belafonte.
- Holy sh...
- Stay focused.
Look, a whole gaggle
of shady characters
have already been here,
and you're late to the party.
- You cops?
- I'm her current fiance.
And I have a few questions
for you.
Firstly, what is her name?
You don't know
your fiance's name?
Not her real one, no.
- It's not Prince, is it?
- Ignore him.
It's not Prince, is it?
Listen, I don't want anything
to do with this.
Those two were toxic.
Magnets for trouble.
And you need to beat it
before I call real cops.
- All right.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shawn, we can't just give up.
What are we doing?
I'm starting
to get worried here.
I need a logical explanation.
Gus, don't be
all the chalices
that Indy didn't choose
at the end of "Last Crusade."
There is a showing
of Selene's old apartment
to a prospective tenant
in 45 minutes.
- So?
- So...
there's a thrift store,
a Party City,
and a Halloween Spirit pop-up
across the street.
Meet me back here in 20
with a disguise that
does not pale to my idea.
It is a competition.
Okay, I think it's up here.
How are you? Are you okay?
How are your feet?
You need a LRABAR?
I got a LRABAR.
I'm fine. I mean,
my bunions are flared up,
and this may be the swan song
for my left nub of a pinky toe,
but this is bigger
than me, Juliet.
Yeah, it's bigger
than both of us.
- Oh, I guess...
- Oh.
What I wanted to say
was thank you.
Thank you for trusting me,
for believing in me
when you don't know
the whole story,
for not judging me.
But, mainly,
thank you for being my friend.
And now you're stuck with me.
And you know
what that means, right?
I do?
I mean... I mean, I do.
I mean, I hope I do... oh!
Oh, please tell me
there's no zombie apocalypse.
That's right.
Willie Tyler, the greatest
ventriloquist in the world.
And Lester.
I accept your concession
of defeat.
- I, for sure, beat you.
- Willie Tyler's almost 80.
Shawn, need I remind you
what doesn't crack?
We're in Hollywood.
If people actually believe
I'm Willie,
that's instant street cred.
We're in Santa Monica.
Lester's passable.
And your ceiling is Lamont
from "Sanford and Son."
Says the guy
who threw on a gray lady wig
and a fake beard.
Are you kidding me right now?
Look at my face, Gus.
I'm the spitting image
of Rob Zombie.
Pfft, please.
You don't look anything like...
oh, my gosh.
Did you know you look like him?
I didn't.
Not until I put on this wig
and added the side buckle.
It's weird, right?
- Super weird.
- Yeah.
Well, it's just part
of my reality now.
Should we slow-walk it?
Shawn, don't ask
stupid questions.
[heavy metal music]
- That was quick.
- Yeah.
I didn't realize
we were so close to the unit.
- Well, we can finish strong.
- Let's do it.
[music continues]
We have an appointment
to see an apartment, dummy.
She's not the dummy.
You're the dummy.
I don't have my hand
up a puppet's ass.
Whoa, language.
There could be kids around.
Which kids?
I hate LA.
Bryn, show these two idiots
apartment 336.
Takes one
to know two, Beowulf.
I saw your lips moving.
I can see your lips moving.
And two.
No, you can't.
- Psst.
- What?
She's on to us.
Act natural.
I'm... I'm sorry. Hi.
I know I'm staring.
I just have to ask.
Are you really him?
Pfft, don't joke
on that crow, son.
I'm just such a huge fan,
Mr. Zombie.
I know "31"
wasn't for everybody,
but it was definitely for me.
Oh. Thank you.
You bring so much more to
the picnic than potato salad.
Just to be clear,
you recognize me, right?
- Not him.
- No, sorry.
I am not familiar
with your friend
and his Urkel puppet,
but he seems very nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Urkel? Urkel?
Name one time that
Urkel ever wore a hat.
Name it. One time.
Okay. I can see
that I have offended you.
I apologize.
I am still learning
basic social protocols.
I was raised on an ashram.
My mother was a tree.
He wore jeans, suspenders,
sometimes he had ice cream.
- It's very simple...
- Excuse us for one moment.
I need you to reel it in.
- I know Urkel, Shawn.
- I know you do.
But she is sympathetic
to our needs.
Keep your eyes on the prize.
She might be able to give us
something we can use.
- I'm calm.
- Good.
Now start calling me Rob,
or Whitey Z.
- Pfft.
- And for her sake,
why don't you make the puppet
say, "Did I do that?"
I will not undermine
the integrity of the puppet.
- I will not.
- Fine. That was my bad.
I can't tell you exactly why
we needed to see this place.
I'm under a strict
nondisclosure agreement
with my record label
and Meg Foster.
What I can tell you is that we
have to be extremely thorough.
- You understand.
- Totally. That's cool.
Oh. I mean, that's not...
Usually, that's
not really allowed.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay. I love it.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I'm not Rob Zombie.
How did you know
that was gonna be up there?
Because, Bryn, I'm a psychic.
And as, you saw
with your very own eyes,
I'm also a master of disguises.
We're tracking the couple
that lived here two years ago
and the likely owners
of whatever is in this box.
Anything that you can
remember about them
might save lives.
Oh, okay.
Well, I remember they were
really cute together.
Whoa, whoa.
No need to editorialize.
She had shortish hair,
I think.
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
Him. Oh, my God.
He was beautiful,
inside and out.
Although I did kind of get the
feeling that he didn't really...
Care about her?
No, that he didn't
really live here.
Like, he would disappear
for days at a time
and then just
move right back in.
- Gus!
- What?
I need you stop it.
And get this thing open.
Anyway, so, one night, there
was this loud skirmish, right?
And then, they just bolted
under the cover of darkness.
Like the old Cleveland Browns.
The old Cleveland Browns.
That's not gonna work.
You're gonna use...
Trust it.
Trust it.
- You have it.
- [whimpers]
[latch unlocks]
Very impressive.
Happy to lend a hand.
Okay, no.
I'm sorry.
He's just speaking normally
with, like,
regular lip function.
[eerie music]
Thank you so much
for your help.
We'll be taking this box
and its contents.
But... ah! Ah!
I am getting a message
from your mother.
She wants you
to water her roots...
on Arbor Day.
Tell her that I will.
I'll tell you what,
these forgeries are top-notch.
This is not some
random con artist.
Whoever did this
is into some serious stuff.
Oh, Guster.
Not again.
There's gonna be
a perfectly good explanation.
And this gun with
the scraped-off serial numbers?
Maybe it was a gift. Maybe
she found it in a dumpster.
Maybe you should consider
that your lady picker is broke,
and move on.
Dad, whether or not Selene
is an international spy
or a serial killer,
it's irrelevant.
What we need right now
is police assistance, okay?
Lassie's not happy with us.
Yeah, well he's not
talking to me either.
He says he wants nothing to do
with all Spencers.
Just insist
that he take your help.
I'll give you my earpiece.
Oh, my God!
Gus, get in here.
He's having a kid.
Dad, you're having a kid,
- at your age?
- Shawn, stop. Stop.
I will not share my
with this demon
On behalf of me and
my potentially jail-bound wife,
let me be the first to say,
congratulations to you.
Stop! I am not having a baby.
[mouths words]
This crib
was for you, Shawn.
Oh, Dad, that's very sweet,
but I sleep
in a big-boy bed now.
Guster told me you and Juliet
were having a baby.
[gasps] Oh.
I might have been hopped up
on hallucinogenic ice chips
at the time.
Did I never clarify
that it was actually me?
- No.
- Oh.
But, fortunately,
I figured it out,
after nine weeks of Shawn
saying nothing about it.
You guys have some
serious communication issues.
Says the guy
who turns off his phone
so his wife can't track him.
So once I got over
feeling left out,
I decided to finish
what I had started.
You two nitwits never do
anything without the other one,
so I figured
it's only a matter of time
and you and Juliet
will pop one out.
Yeah. Uh, Dad,
Juliet and I have decided
not to have kids.
Well, obviously,
you'll have to reconsider.
We talked it through.
We're both very happy.
We've got a good thing.
Shawn. Shawn,
this is a big deal.
Not just for me.
But also for me.
Okay, Dad, I can't do this
with you right now,
because today is all about Gus
and his soon-to-be wife,
who is leading a double life
that has something to do
with that gun we found.
Also, we finally are on
to the husband.
She's married?
Dad, please, try and keep up.
Gus is losing hope and
feeling slightly incontinent.
Most of that is true.
We need to track those fake
IDs and retrace their steps.
- That won't be necessary.
- Why not?
Because one of those IDs
isn't a fake.
- You take this one.
- I want you to have it.
- No, this is all you.
- It's your journey.
This is a no-look alley-oop.
Slam dunk it.
both: Which one?
Chief, I am so horrified
to meet you here.
It's just that your assistant
said you were the last one
to see Shawn,
and he is now missing,
and we need to know
what he told you.
Sorry to ruin
your family vacation.
Oh, you know,
there is no family vacation.
I guess we're going
to reschedule.
Yeah, where is everybody?
I missed them.
They went back home.
Yeah, I got here
early this morning
and realized they didn't want
to do another trip without me.
So they just left you alone?
No, hardly. Hardly.
I left them alone...
a hundred times.
Working until I couldn't.
I let them down.
I mean, Iris was kidnapped
and taken to Alcatraz,
for God's sake.
You saved her, Karen.
Yeah, well, barely, and it
never should have happened.
Well, I guess this is where
the rubber hits the road,
so welcome
to the aftermath, ladies.
Take good look.
Do you need a hug?
No, right now,
what I think I need
is something I can solve.
But all I got from Shawn
is that he was concerned
that you, Selene, were not
being completely honest
with Gus about who you are.
He was right.
You need to tell us
exactly who you are.
Down to the worst detail.
Can we eat first?
Well, this is "Kiakos,"
so you can stop staring at
that guy's driver's license.
I think this dude
is wearing a wig.
- He's not wearing a wig.
- You don't know afros, Shawn.
Great. Another fake address.
Unless he lives
in a water tower,
which would make him
one of the Animaniacs.
He's here, Shawn.
I know it.
There's only 2,692 people
in this town.
We could knock on every door,
if we have to.
Don't be a negative frittato,
We're detectives.
Let's detect.
I appreciate the effort, Gus.
I really do.
But adding a pun
to a "don't be"
just feels like a hat on a hat.
I don't care, Shawn.
I'm talking about Selene.
I don't care if she did
all those things.
I don't care if the police want
her, if she robbed someone.
I don't even care
if that baby isn't mine.
- Ooh.
- I love that woman,
Do you understand me?
Let me ask you this.
Okay, I do care
if the baby isn't mine.
Why does a decommissioned
water tower need a mailbox?
And why is there mail in it?
Good news, man.
Whoever lives here has
a telescope pointed at the road
and at least
five security cameras,
all of which we are on.
Gus, what if someone's home?
What are you doing?
I'm jimmying the lock, Shawn.
What is that?
Why are you doing it like that?
I'm making myself
I promise you, it's having
the exact opposite effect.
What do you think it looks like
to the rest of the town?
The rest of the town
can suck it.
[door unlocks]
No. Keep that thing away
from me.
I'm not saying any, Shawn.
I knew it.
He's a creepy stalker dude.
This is
"Sleeping with the Enemy."
Check his towels.
Try again, Gus.
This is "Sicario."
That doesn't help me, Shawn.
You know I turned my back
on Benicio after "The Wolfman."
All right.
Who's the ginger?
He's in every single one
of these photos.
Eyes forward!
Eyes forward!
You're dealing
with a desperate man
with a couple of very itchy
trigger fingers.
Oh, don't you move.
I knew she would have moved on.
Anyone would have.
All right.
Y'all can turn around.
These aren't even real guns.
Those aren't even fake guns.
Who are you?
My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner,
Black Jack Arnold.
I can roll with that.
But my real name
is Burton Guster, damn it.
And Selene Gilmore, or whatever
her Christian name is,
she is my fiance
and she's carrying my child.
And I'm here to remove her
from your kung-fu grip, sucka.
- Kung-fu grip?
- Yeah.
Does it look like
I'm calling any shots here?
I don't have indoor plumbing.
Look, don't let that
water tower fool you.
So why are you here?
And who's this guy
you've been stalking?
Well, that monster
is the reason boo and I
had to split up.
- She's not your boo.
- Yeah.
She's my wife.
Gus. Gus.
Let the man bring us up
to speed.
That's why we came all the way
to "Cuyacas."
Caya... Cayu... I haven't
heard it both ways.
I haven't heard it at all.
Where are we?
Look, it doesn't matter.
That's Ronald Coe...
excuse me...
CEO of eco-friendly
Pacific Mountain Brew Works,
a hero to the environment,
but to us,
he's nothing but
a drug-smuggling arms dealer.
Now, you think you can
handle the whole story?
I was made for whole stories.
He calls himself...
Wait. Time out. Is it weird
that I'm standing next to you?
Like we're gonna
tell the story together?
I mean, I don't know
what you're...
I'm just gonna go stand
over there.
Here I am, next to my pal.
Please continue.
He calls himself...
both: The Bull.
But nobody knows that,
because he's the last person
anybody would think is
running guns and drugs.
CEO criminal. Okay.
So we're basically talking
about Victor Maitland.
You talking about the villain
from "Beverly Hills Cop"?
Gray-haired gentleman,
very dark skin, Capricorn.
Nothing like that at all.
Maitland owned a gallery
and lived in a city.
Sure, but he was
selling drugs.
- On the side.
- Okay.
Does it have to be
a movie character?
You want us to understand?
- It would help us enormously.
- Okay, fine.
Victor Maitland.
So I was an investigator
at a private security firm.
I was working
for an insurance claim company.
I get sent out to take photos
of a worker's comp claim.
I stumble across this smooth,
swole brother
named Alan Decker.
He's hiding across the street,
watching the same complex.
She got pictures,
I got pictures.
We pooled our stuff together.
So we working
in close quarters.
Under the specter of danger.
- Mm.
- Sparks start to fly.
Tale as old as time.
And we couldn't deny the heat
any longer.
You can skip this part.
It's disgusting.
It was exciting and sexy.
We felt like these
moral crusaders, you know?
So we about to tail
a delivery van,
and one of his muscle heads
is about to make a drop.
Talk about a serious crime.
Something goes wrong.
It's a gun fight.
One of the goons
leaves a gun at the scene.
That was it.
We had a literal smoking gun.
But nobody wanted to believe
anything bad about this guy.
The cops were more concerned
how we found a gun
with missing serial numbers.
That's when we knew
we had to do it alone.
And we were intoxicated by it.
Yeah, that was the night
I asked her to marry me.
Gotta strike
when the iron's hot.
I got caught up in the moment
and said yes.
His cousin, Nipsey, is ordained
and drove up from Bakersfield.
I still owe her an
engagement ring, a honeymoon.
We figured there'd be time.
But no matter how careful
we thought we were being,
his goons would always
find us.
That's when I realized:
the only way we'd stay alive
is if we split up.
One of the toughest decisions
I ever made in my life.
He broke up with me
on a Post-it Note.
Like when Berger
broke up with Carrie?
- "I'm sorry."
- "I can't"?
- "Don't hate me"?
- Yes.
So I realized I had
nothing else to lose,
so I came back
to finish the job.
And here we are.
Enough. You've painted
a pretty picture,
but you forgot one thing.
- Shoot.
- What is her real name?
- Is it Prince?
- Ooh.
Yeah, it'd probably be best
if she told you that.
Nah. You need to tell me!
Right now!
You are very close
to my face.
Tell me,
or things are about
to get weird.
They're not about
to get weird, Gus.
They're weird.
It's time for you and I
to take a very short
but meaningful walk.
We'll be back.
I didn't even know
if he was even still alive.
I realized the whole thing was
just the intensity
of the moment,
and I needed to get on
with my life.
And I did.
I met Gus.
And I cannot lose him.
So we need to find him
and stop him
before he realizes
what he's getting into.
Okay. It's fine.
I'm gonna change.
Selene, you douse the fire.
O'Hara, you're driving,
because these men are not
gonna save themselves.
[police scanner chatter]
- Hey.
- Damn it, Henry.
I've been ignoring your calls
on purpose.
I know.
But you're not gonna
out-"Gran Torino" me.
Just watch.
Oh, wow.
New grill, huh?
Infrared burners.
Holy mother.
They released my suspect.
It's entirely my fault
he's back on the streets.
Well, it won't be for long.
Just have to build up the
result of the case, together.
I looked like such an idiot.
Well, we all do sometimes.
McNab asked for motive.
- I ordered a combo meal.
- [chuckles]
- That's good.
- That's not funny.
Oh, come on, man.
Look, Shawn is working
on something pretty important.
Not interested.
He found this gun,
but the serial numbers
have been scratched off.
Now, I know that
you're a master
at recovering this stuff.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it turns out recovery's
not my thing after all.
Well, maybe
I'll just leave it here.
[door opens]
Hey, Mr. Spencer.
Hey, Lily.
What a surprise.
You know, don't bother,
honey. He's just leaving.
Don't worry, Dad.
I got the expired stuff.
- Lily, what did I just say...
- Wait, my phone's ringing.
You don't have a phone.
[door closes]
Shut up.
You know, sometimes I think my
kid's more intuitive than I am.
Welcome to the club.
I can assume
this isn't for me.
And I wouldn't shake that
if I were you.
Well, you're not me.
[chuckles in disbelief]
Look, man, I'm just trying
to make things right
for my unborn child.
I'm a decent man,
and you seem like
a decent man too.
[exhales sharply]
Yeah, this one is tough.
Seeing her like this.
And you, all forehead.
it's like this is
supposed to be my life.
Then I realized,
I don't have a life.
All I do is hide and wait.
So I'll make you a deal.
- I'm listening.
- Look, I'm close.
If you two help me finish this,
I'll let her go.
Help me get some time of
version of my own life back,
and I'll step out of hers.
You'll sign divorce papers?
- Yeah, I will.
- We're in.
Whoa. You haven't
heard the plan yet.
The plan is
to marry my fiance
before her water breaks.
We have a deal.
Y'all want
to split a Moon Pie?
First of all, I'm not in
until there's a foolproof plan.
- Since when?
- Secondly,
anything less than
a whole Moon Pie
is a nonstarter,
for both of us.
- 3/4.
- You or us?
What's the math on that?
We get 3/8 each.
That's more than
two whole Moon Pies.
We accept.
It's just semantics.
It's not semantics, Shawn.
All right, Johnson.
Have fun, buddy.
You're a maniac.
- [phone rings]
- Mom's calling!
How is Marlowe doing?
I'm sure none of this
has been easy for her.
Yeah, my wife
believes in me so much
she's taken out a loan
and gone back to school.
I know
you don't believe that.
Night school?
Come on, man.
That's no walk in the park.
Mom's on her way home,
and she says don't forget
to take your Keppra.
I'm not 11.
- Neither am I.
- Yes, you are.
And she's picking up
Brophy Bros for dinner.
Ooh, I love that place.
It's Dad's favorite.
You should stay.
But you'll have
to watch us eat.
[phone buzzes]
- What are you doing?
- You got a text from Mom.
And you left
your reading glasses inside.
How do you know my passcode?
Why wouldn't I know
your passcode?
"My darling lover."
"I just couldn't wait
to tell you
I got us Ted Nugent tickets
for the 27th,"
with three exclamation marks
for some reason.
"I love you.
Home soon."
[sentimental music]
You okay over there, Carlton?
You might be the first person
I've ever seen cry
over Ted Nugent.
Kleenex. On it.
My girls have seen me
at my absolute worst
and haven't blinked.
Not once.
God, I'm such a fool.
Oh, come on.
You're not a fool.
Your life's dreams were stolen
from you overnight.
I got news for you.
You are so much more
than just being a cop, Carlton.
Am I?
I know this may not seem fair,
and you may not have
everything you want,
but you gotta believe
you got everything you need.
And take it from me, you do not
want to spend the next 20 years
sitting on this porch
trying to make up
for lost time.
I don't know if I'm ready
to let go yet.
Marlowe will be home
in 20 minutes.
Show me the gun.
Yeah. Hey, great.
All right, look.
What's it gonna take
to lift these numbers?
It's an acid compound.
Where would I find something
like that at this hour?
In the garage,
under "A" for acids.
That's my girl.
- Hey, Dad.
- Yeah, Lily-bunny?
Ted Nugent's not the guy
with the crossbow, is he?
He sure is, honey.
This is supposed
to be me, right?
Well, yeah,
it's supposed to be you.
It looks like
Anthony LaPaglia now.
- My marker was running out.
- It's fine. It'll have to do.
All right!
I got the plan.
We already figured it out.
Guys, I've literally been
studying the ins and outs
of this place for months.
We know,
and it's very impressive.
But before you launch into
hieroglyphics and string theory
and whatever else you have
on that corkboard, just...
you're gonna want
to hear our plan.
Make it quick.
We dig a trench
and tunnel under the brewery,
resurfacing on the inside.
You, Alan, free climb
the barley vats
and wait up top, next to
the thermal exhaust port.
There is
no thermal exhaust port.
Gus reaches out his hand
and pulls you through.
Where am I?
I'm on the flank,
serving up "look, it's me,
not a stuntman" realness.
There's a confrontation
with a man holding a wrench,
and we're all chased
by motorcycles.
You grab the evidence.
We escape through
a hole in the wall.
Then, I find
a house of windows.
- What?
- A house of windows.
- What?
- A house...
Of windows.
You realize I'm not
who I appear to be,
yet my hair remains unchanged.
We end up right back here,
in this cottage,
where I start to throw myself
against the walls.
Then I stop
for reasons unknown.
- And Gus weeps.
- You weep.
What you just pitched
was essentially the plot
from the "Take on Me" video.
He really knows his stuff.
That's not possible.
Would you have gotten it
without the illustrations?
- Never looked.
- Okay.
What's your garbage plan?
Okay. You guys
will be the distraction.
No. Boring.
It is excitement
that you're looking for?
Point taken.
Carry on.
Thank you.
Today is Sunday.
Coe doesn't brew on Sabbath.
It's a skeleton crew, and
the empty kegs get delivered.
- We're keg deliverymen?
- Is that a problem?
Like, I literally just
cut a deal with the guys
that usually make the delivery.
It was a big undertaking.
All right, fine.
What do we get to do?
Okay. Hear me out.
Hear me out.
You guys get to shut down
the auxiliary power grid,
disabling the alarm system.
- Yeah!
- It's an olive branch.
- Feels like table scraps, Gus.
- Let's hear him out.
All right.
I will go to the safe room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I'm the one
who does the safe-cracking
around here, okay?
There's no safe.
It's simply an office
with fortified windows.
Like a panic room.
You're not making it sound
any less cool.
The safe room
has a time lock.
If the doors activate, you're
locked in there for two hours,
and you're dead meat.
- We don't want that gig.
- No, we don't.
Okay, you've sold us on
not being the safe room guys.
But... and this is not open
for negotiation...
when we tell the story,
we reserve the right to say
that it was either of us
who was the safe room guy,
and you were running around
with kegs, and whatever.
Okay, fine.
Look, I just need
the system down long enough
to get The Bull's ledger
and leave with my heartbeat.
Look, I know exactly
where everything is.
Except the thermal
exhaust port.
[both snicker]
Are you guys ready
to pick up the delivery van?
- This is where we make our...
- Move in.
He has to say yes, 'cause
he doesn't have anybody else.
I'm telling you.
Make it a Wienermobile.
- No.
both: Damn it!
Yeah, I guess we're in.
I mean, we're here, right?
All right.
Hands in the middle.
Morten Harket, the lead singer
of a-ha, on three.
- One.
- Do I...[sighs]
Two. Three.
all: Morten Harket,
the lead singer of a-ha!
- Yeah!
- See?
You just commit to something,
it feels nice, doesn't it?
And then the psychic made
this, 'cause he had, like,
seen that there was, like,
a box up there or something.
And then the ventriloquist,
who just talked normally,
used the puppet
as a skeleton key,
and then the psychic told me
that I have to water my mom.
That story is ridiculous.
And very on-brand.
Did they say
where they were headed?
Yes. I gave them directions
to a DQ.
- [phone buzzes]
- Mm-hmm.
- Henry?
- Yeah, hey, Juliet.
I thought you might like
to know
that your husband
and his partner
are on a wild-goose chase
looking for Selene's husband,
and in the middle of all that,
no surprise,
they have managed to involve
themselves with a gun runner.
- Gun runner, yes, we know.
- Yeah.
Lassiter traced a gun
they found in an ammo box back
to a cartel in Cartagena.
Wait, how...
how do you have the gun?
It was in a box along
with a couple of fake IDs
and one legit one
from a city called Cayucos.
Where is Cayucos?
[door slams]
I know where they are.
He went to our first hideout.
I know what they're doing.
And your father-in-law has
the first piece of evidence
that could put The Bull away.
How fast can we drive?
As fast as we want.
Hey. Your gender-reveal box
is showing.
Oh! Oops.
You guys are early.
You got the work order?
Does Kim Basinger
have an Oscar?
Seriously, do you know?
Because, um, it seems like
something that happened.
You aren't the regular guys.
No. No, we are not.
Good eye.
Jeremy has a sour guncle,
so he called in sick.
And then they gave
Bruno the day off, too,
'cause he's got all those kids.
[forced laughter]
Yeah, uh, I don't know
what a guncle is
or how many kids
some guy named Bruno has.
My boss does not
like surprises.
I gotta call this in.
- Let 'em through!
- [sighs]
- What was that?
- Nothing.
Did you just say
"let them through"
without moving your lips?
First of all, thank you.
I've been practicing...
with this.
Did I do that?
I saw Jeff Dunham in Vegas
a couple years ago.
And then at a Hardee's
on New Year's Eve.
That's sad.
Well, that Jalapeo
on a Stick is so funny, man.
[as Jos Jalapeo]
"On a stick!"
It's epic, yeah.
- But quite racist.
- Yes. Yes, it is.
All right, look,
just make sure
you send the regular guys
next time, okay?
Will do.
Thank you, sir.
This is work time.
He's so funny.
See? So much easier this way.
- Well, we don't do easier.
- Nope.
- Our brand is crisis.
- And Blue Sky dramedy.
Just get the alarm off
for me.
And don't die.
Okay. I get it.
You get what?
He's everything
you've ever wanted to be,
minus the ponytail.
- I could rock a pony tail.
- No.
I could jump that high
if I had springs in my shoes.
You think he has
little springs in his shoes?
I think he has big springs
in his shoes.
Or there's a trampoline
out there.
Like a little baby
- Right outside the loading dock?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. The one with a bar on it.
- Uh-huh.
- We should get going.
- Let's go.
Okay, man, according to this,
should be right up
on the right.
Nope, left.
Did you really need
to bring the bag in?
This has every detail
of my wedding in here, Shawn.
I'm not letting this thing out
of my sight.
This is my burden.
I'll go inside.
If that lever, switch,
or whatever it is
ends up being bigger
than we thought,
I'm right here.
I'll pull it with you.
thank you for being you
and investigating Selene,
even though
I expressly told you not to,
- which led us to fisticuffs.
- Gus.
I'm proud of you.
No, I'm proud of you.
I appreciate that,
but in this
particular instance,
I think I'm just a tiny
bit more proud than you are.
No, I am the undisputed
proud champion
of the world concerning you.
I think I'm proudest
of the two of us.
- I'm prouder than proud.
- I'm the most proud.
No, if I was
climbing Proud Mountain,
I'd be on the peak
of Mount Proudness.
[dramatic music]
So this is
The Bull's hideout?
It's a microbrewery.
But really, it's a front.
It's just, you kind of
sold it as something deadly.
- You sure they're here?
- Yeah.
Their car was parked outside
of Alan's place.
We all saw it.
So that means they're here,
altogether, and about
to do something stupid.
[power shuts down]
[alarms blaring]
Dude! You did it!
- [panting] Let's go!
- Okay.
[funky spy music]
That guard
just left his post.
Something's going down.
O'Hara, let's go in.
- Selene, stay put.
- No...
Try not to give birth.
And call the local cops
for backup,
and let's secure
this perimeter.
Did you follow the diagram
and switch the blue wire
with the green wire?
I just cut everything
attached to the main switch.
Good call.
That won't look weird at all.
Dude, someone's coming.
Winter Soldier.
- [gunshot]
- What? What?
That sounded like gunfire.
You think that could have
been anything but a gunshot?
- Maybe it was Tap-Man.
- Tap-Man?
Dude, you're Tap-Man.
We... we made that up.
I don't know, Shawn.
Maybe it was The Catch.
What? I'm the Catch.
Oh, shoot.
- It's a ninja.
- What happened to
- "nobody's here on a Sunday"?
- Go that way.
I'm supposed
to just sit here?
- Come on.
- Shh, shh. Shh, shh.
All right, all right.
Let's just lay low, hide out.
Hope that Decker made it
to the safe room.
- Uh, Shawn?
- What?
There's a dead guy here.
Is it Decker?
No. It's some random dude.
What, were you just
openly disappointed?
I'm indifferent, Shawn.
That's not just
some random dude.
That's The Bull.
[radio static]
Power system shut down.
We have a security breach.
All units, report in.
[gun cocks]
How many more of you
are there?
- How did this happen?
- What is he even doing here?
Hey! Decker! Hey!
Oh, no, no!
No! No!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't look at us.
We stuck to the plan
and shut the power down.
Yeah, and then
we heard a gunshot
and saw what might
have been a ninja
holding a gun right outside.
Then we realized
it couldn't be a ninja,
because no self-respecting
ninja would be holding a gun.
So then
we came in here to hide.
Not hide. Regroup.
- Reset.
- Reassess.
- Reassess the situation.
- Like men.
And as you can see,
The Bull is no longer with us.
- May he rest.
- Uh...
Well, uh, the good news is
I made it to the safe room.
Congratulations, man.
It's been a long haul.
What's the bad news?
Bad news is that
he's dead for real.
And you two are the ones
who killed him.
Now, believe me, if I didn't
have to absolutely do this,
I wouldn't.
But, wow, does the two
of you guys being here
tie up a lot
of loose ends for me.
You were never gonna
sign divorce papers.
That wasn't even necessary.
My cousin Nipsey
wasn't ordained.
His name is Nipsey.
- That wasn't a nickname?
- No, it wasn't a nickname!
The marriage wasn't legit.
I couldn't tell her that.
That's how she stayed
connected to me.
So I can marry Selene.
Technically, yes.
If I wasn't about to kill you.
Do you honestly think
Selene's gonna
get back with you
after she finds out
you killed her baby's father?
Well, they're gonna think
The Bull killed you.
And probably
Shawn killed The Bull.
And it's gonna be hard
to sort through
the pile of dead bodies.
Look, anyways, they find you
dead, everyone wins.
Well, I guess
that's subjective.
- Nah.
- Gus.
- Hell, nah.
- What are you doing?
I'm not gonna stand here,
counting the moments
till my impending death.
You ready to kill somebody
who's not a warlord?
You man enough for that?
With your gun
and your little man purse?
You see my bag?
It's not about
the size of the bag.
I love Selene.
And I've co-solved
over 130 murders
while maintaining
a full-time job
and finishing no less
than 9th out 12
at the annual
County Fair Pottery Throwdown.
Except for that year
I was disqualified.
So take your best shot,
Put that gun down.
Special K,
is that really you?
K? K for what?
That's not important
right now, baby.
If I'm gonna die,
I need to go knowing
what your real name is...
at least give me that.
You... your name is Kareem?
How are we spelling that?
My name is Selene,
now and forevermore.
Just not legally. Yet.
Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
I knew I would see you again.
Oh, man, I knew...
okay, okay, okay.
Right, now is not
the ideal time,
but, boo, I got everything...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I got everything worked out.
- Put the gun down, Alan.
- Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.
I know you.
You're not a killer.
Uh, the Bull here
might beg to differ.
He was a monster.
[zipper murmurs]
You've suffered enough.
It's time for you to be happy.
Go. Run before
the cops show up.
Come with me.
I can't.
Gus is my happy now.
It's time for you
to find yours.
I'm sorry.
But nobody takes my girl...
Gus, did you try to take me out
with a tiny present?
'Cause you ought
to do better than that.
[box beeping]
Oh! My eyes! My eyes!
- No...
- Oh...[grunts]
I killed him.
What? No. You didn't, Gus.
He's just unconscious.
I'm talking about my Lester.
Oh. Yeah.
You did do that.
We're having a boy!
Oh... oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Ahh!
It's no biggie.
It's just a contraction.
It's okay.
We have time... ooh!
Okay. Shawn, Shawn,
get the kegs off the dolly.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Come on.
Okay, take your time.
Take your time.
Take your time.
All right, my love.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
- I got you. I got you.
- Okay.
- Ooh!
- Right there.
You're going back for the bag?
we've been through this!
- Get her on the dolly!
- Okay, okay, okay!
Watch out. Watch out. Okay.
Okay, here we go.
[both yelp]
[sirens wail]
[radio chatter]
I think that's everyone.
Okay, one more sweep.
- Find your husband.
- Mm-hmm.
It's all right.
Just relax.
What do you think,
left or right?
- I don't know!
- All right, let's go right!
Shawn, how do we
get the hell out of here?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe we don't.
Maybe we're lost.
Stop. I'm sorry. No.
I just... I just need a minute.
Yeah, take a breather.
Take a breather.
- Okay. Okay.
- Gus.
Gus, that's the...
that's the safe room, right?
- There's a sofa.
- Ooh, sofa sounds great.
Yeah, and the back wall
is the ship from "Alien."
- The Nostromo.
- Was it the Nostromo?
What's Prometheus then...
Guys, I just... I would
really like to get in there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, thank you.
- Here we go. Here we go.
Plenty wide.
Right this way.
Right this way.
You're doing great.
- Here we go. Okay.
- Doing great.
- Look at that, huh?
- [yelps]
Whoo! Okay.
- Ah.
- Ah!
- Ooh!
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right. Okay.
- Okay. All right?
- Good, huh?
- Oh, yeah. That's plush.
- [groans]
Oh, oh, oh! Hold on.
Hold on. Oh, okay.
Thank you for getting here
so quickly.
We've got one shooting victim,
but I don't think
the paramedics are
gonna do much good.
But let's go ahead and scour
every inch of this place, okay?
You go that way.
It's a burrito
with an empanada inside.
Now, it's gonna take us
a little while to get there,
but you are going
to thank me forever.
It sounds delicious.
And I know I said I thought
I had about an hour or so,
but this baby's
coming right now.
- Gus.
- Oh.
- Gus.
- Oh!
- Gus!
- Oh!
- Gus!
- Okay, don't worry.
Don't worry.
I know exactly what to do.
Why are you leaving?
Why would you do that?
Okay. Okay.
How can I help you?
Get these boots off
of me, Shawn!
Okay. All right.
All right. I can do that.
Now, look, we're just
gonna distract ourselves
for a little while, until Gus
comes back with the paramedics,
'cause they're medically
trained, aren't they?
- Yeah.
- Yes, they are.
Now, are you good?
Is your water still intact?
Honestly, it broke
three hours ago.
Why would you keep something
like that a secret?
I didn't want the ladies
to leave me behind.
Plus, I didn't want them
to think I was... weak!
Listen, this is fine, okay?
We're just gonna improvise
for another 30 seconds or so.
Now, do you have a stick
or a leather strap
or a knife that you can
bite down on for the pain?
You want me to bite down
on a knife?
I saw it in "Robin Hood:
Prince of Thieves."
Worked like a charm.
Have you not seen the film?
- Here we go.
- Thank God!
Where are the paramedics?
And why are you Zooming
with... Father Westley?
- Wedding first.
- Hey!
Gus, where are you going?
She's in labor!
Oh, there's the bride.
Uh, she looks lovely.
Father Westley, is a Zoom
wedding ceremony even legal?
As far as I know.
It's fine.
No, this is for God's eyes.
You and Gus are crazy people.
Well, this is a wonderful
but unexpected surprise.
I had an exorcism
scheduled at 2:00,
but they canceled.
Unlucky for them.
Serendipity, right?
Where we you getting all
of these laptops?
Is that...
Curt Smith?
You're alive!
Oh, hey, Selene.
Hi, Guster.
Do I have time
for a soundcheck?
We need to start
the ceremony right now!
Yeah. Let's go. Let's go.
The power of Christ
compels you!
- The power of...
- Father, that's an exorcism.
Oh, sorry. Force of habit.
Force of habit.
This is the police.
The building you're in is
an active crime scene.
Please evacuate the premises.
Much better.
No, Gus,
that's a time-lock door.
We're in the safe room.
Why would you do that?
It was loud, Shawn.
But now we're stuck in here!
You're doing great, though.
Just keep breathing.
Yes, you are. Breathe.
Okay, look,
I'm really in labor.
Like way far down the road.
It's, like, bone-grinding.
Jules! Oh, God.
Thank God, Jules.
You have to help me.
You have to help me.
It won't open.
You have to come in here,
because I can't get out there.
Jules, you have
to come in here,
because I can't get out there!
You have to come in here,
because I can't get out there!
Shawn? Shawn!
What? I mean,
what... what, Father?
If we're gonna
finish the ceremony,
you're gonna have to be
the one to deliver this baby.
No. I can't do that.
Are you gonna give me
my dream wedding or not, Shawn?
This is your dream wedding?
Yes, it is!
Get over here!
On this peaceful day,
we are here to wed these two
in holy matrimony
and, as a bonus, witness
the birth of a new baby.
Now, I have known Gus ever
since he was a young child,
and I have always suspected
that his wedding
would be a day
for all to remember.
Shawn, I'm gonna need you to
make sure you avert your eyes.
From what?
You know, the business.
Gus, how am I supposed
to deliver a child
if I can't use my eyeballs?
Val Kilmer, "At First Sight."
- Damn it. That's fair.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
All right.
Let's twist this.
No, let's not twist this.
[mouths words]
No. No.
[inhales deeply, exhales]
[chants in Latin]
No, no, no.
Father, you're slipping back
into that Latin.
Oh, this is way harder
than it looks. My bad.
Upside, the baby's gonna be
relatively demon-free.
- Okay, speed it up, Padre.
- Yes, ma'am.
You have prepared some vows?
both: Skip 'em.
Where is it?
Do you, Selene, take Guster,
- in sickness and in health...
- [screams]
And all that other stuff?
I do!
I think he's crowning.
Oh, I don't even want
to know what that is.
- Shawn.
- Oh, sorry. Push.
- No, no push.
- No push?
"Push" is the only
birthing instruction I know!
- Father.
- Ah, here we go.
Do you, Burton Guster...
Oh, hey.
- Hey, O'Hara.
- [whimpers] Hey.
Sweetie, are you crying?
Oh, I always cry at weddings.
- Weddings?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, is that Father Westley?
- Mm-hmm.
And she's in labor.
- What?
- Yeah!
Okay, why is he throwing Holy
Water at his laptop screen?
Out! Out!
Father, seriously?
Oh, sorry. Again.
Whatever you just said, I do.
Perfect. Perfect.
Now, Mr. Smith,
do you know Corinthians 13?
No. Do you mind
if I do "Previous Holiday"
from my new project?
Oh, wow.
Dude, you got the gig.
No. They gave it to Jerome.
You know, the guy that holds
the mirror in The Time.
Doesn't mean I can't do
my own Wham!, though.
Expect I'm gonna
pronounce it "Whahm."
What are you talking
about right now?
You guys are welcome
to be in the video.
- Ooh! I'd like that very much.
- Fine. I'm in, too.
No video! Ahh!
- Without me.
- What?
Fine. You can all be
in the video.
Ah, that's pass for me.
I'm more of a crooner.
Okay. Pull!
- Pull?
- Is that not a thing?
- No!
- Okay!
All right! Okay!
What if we just skip
the interlude?
As long as the check clears.
Oh, God.
Oh, Go... oh, God.
Oh, I... I... I... I... I can sense
that there is a human coming.
I mean, I'm not looking!
I'm sensing.
- He's coming.
- I'm like Luke Skywalker
with his
targeting computer off.
By the power vested in me
by the State of California
and those good people
at State Farm insurance...
don't ask...
I now pronounce you...
- He's coming!
- No, he's not!
Husband and wife.
Okay, push.
Give it everything
you got, woman!
Come on, son!
- Ahh!
- Ahh!
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Okay!
[yelps shrilly]
All right.
Let's do this!
both: Push!
Oh, Gus.
Gus, I think this baby
is coming AF!
Avert your eyes, Shawn!
Avert your eyes!
- Avert your eyes!
- Oh, my God! It's in my hands!
It's in my hands, Gus!
Somebody take this baby!
all: Ahh!
Avert your eyes!
Avert your eyes!
Avert your eyes!
Someone take this baby
from me! Oh, God!
I'm married!
The miracle of childbirth
is horrifying!
Oh, Jules.
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm gonna be scarred forever.
Oh, pat my back.
That feel good?
You're okay!
Oh, God!
- Use your nails.
- My baby.
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my baby!
- Oh, I know. I got you.
- Oh, God.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm here to scratch you.
- It's our baby.
- Oh... oh, hi, Chief.
I didn't see you
standing there.
Oh, please tell me
you have Decker in custody.
- Huh?
- Decker. Selene's ex.
He should have been on
the floor on the tasting room,
covered in blue powder,
his pants generally
around his knees...
next to the dead ginger CEO,
who's also a kingpin.
I saw a dead CEO,
the severed head of a dummy,
and plenty of blue powder,
but that's it.
- This is not good.
- No.
We're not gonna tell them
that he got away right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
I need three officers
with me right now.
Look at that baby.
His head was so heavy,
and his body was so light.
Aww, but you're okay.
And he bit my finger
right there.
- He didn't... he didn't bite...
- If you look very close,
you can see
that he bit my finger.
He did not bite your finger.
Would you like
to meet your godbaby?
- [gasps]
- I'll meet him from over here.
Oh! Oh, gosh.
You already met him.
I'm gonna meet him!
Thank you.
[soft laughter]
Oh, hello.
Hi. Oh, my gosh.
Can I tell you something?
Whoever wrapped him up
in that...
in that little cloth napkin,
that's who the real MVP is.
- Ugh!
- [sobbing]
I have a son.
[sentimental music]
Not UK.
That's WAM without an H.
Or an exclamashe-un point.
Let's go!
Curt Smith, man myth
He's a salt and peppa,
hot steppa
This song is not
to be confused
With other works of art
Any similarities are
purely coincidental
It's unique in every way
Every single way
This is "Previous Holiday"
Happy Holidays.
Did I just say that
out loud?
Didn't mean to specify
Which holiday
I was talking about
Gotta keep it vague
Could be a bank holiday
Or the Feast of Guadalupe
Point is, an incident
happened last year
The details,
I'm advised to steer clear
Use your imagination.
Let's just say someone was
sad, and leave it at that
And then this will
be independent
Of every other work of art
Even sculptures and stuff.
Light-years away
That's really far.
This previous holiday
Not UK.
Different in every way.
Let's go!
Let's go!
If you think
this sounds familiar
Then sadly, you are wrong
It's okay.
Nobody's perfect.
It's worlds away
This previous holiday
This song is
very different
From every other
Christmas song
In the history of time.
It's worlds away
This is "Previous
["I Know You Know" playing]
In between the lines,
there's a lot of obscurity
I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity
If it's all right,
then you're all wrong
But why bounce around
to the same damn song?
You'd rather run
when you can't crawl
I know you know that
I'm not telling the truth
I know you know they
just don't have any proof
Embrace the deception,
learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions tend
to psych you out in the end
I know you know
I know you know
[suspenseful music]
[waves crash,
seagulls calling]