Psycho Beach Party (2000) Movie Script
Eddie, my friend,
what can I do for you?
I want to talk to Diane.
But she don't want
to talk to you.
Yeah.
Please don't make trouble.
Diane, before you start
squawking,
let me just tell you
you're the most wonderful girl
I've ever known.
And nobody's been as sweet
to me as you.
You make me feel...
Well, you make me feel
beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
Why do always hide
behind that booth?
Let me see all of you.
Please, I'm begging you,
go away and don't ever
come back.
Oh, kiss me!
Please, for the love
of god, go away.
Not till I get my kiss!
Please don't look at me
that way!
No.
- Eddie!
- No!
Ar
You're missing the whole movie.
Believe me,
I ain't missing a thing.
No one understands bettina.
Her screen persona
is a brilliant comment
on the entire sociopolitical
structure of stardom.
Jeeper, do you get all of that
from the pizza waitress
with three heads?
Well, I guess we are the only
ones watching the movie.
These guys have only one thing
on their minds.
Want a wiener?
Oh, hey there, Lars.
Oh, I love
the smells of America...
Hot dogs, popcorn...
- Car exhaust?
- Mm.
Lars, being how
you're from Sweden,
the sex capital
of the entire world...
- Mm-hmm...
- Could you tell me
what's wrong with me?
What? There's nothing
wrong with you.
Suddenly every girl I know
is boy crazy.
Golly, if some dork
stuck his tongue down my throat,
I'd barf! Ugh! I'd belt him.
I'd kick him in the nuts.
You're just a typical
American girl.
One day soon, you'll wake up
and explode into a woman.
Well, my date will be anxious
for these buns to be hot.
Bye-bye.
Where you going, lover?
I'm going to the head
to get us a you-know-what.
I don't want my girl
spending her Christmas
in a home for unwed mamas.
- Oh, hey, there, Rhonda.
- Hi, Florence.
You got yourself a heavy date?
I'm here with berdine.
You'd think it was a crime
against the nation
to go to a drive-in
with more than
kissy-kissy stuff on your mind.
Well, you do have a quaint way
of looking at things.
Hey, is it true you're going to
Europe at the end of the summer?
No, we just have
a Swedish exchange student
staying with us.
Oh, I heard you
were going to Denmark.
Where'd you get that idea?
I heard you were going there
to have some sort
of an operation.
An operation?
Yeah, I heard you're having
your dick cut off
and turning into a girl.
That's not funny.
Kisses.
Hey, pea brain,
who's that guy in the next car?
- You know him?
- Yeah, I know him.
Calls himself starcat.
Dropped out of Northwestern,
hangs out in Malibu
with a bunch of surf bums.
Strictly a loser
from loserville.
Sergeant, this
young woman is the victim
of nuclear testing.
Her cells appear to be
in a constant state of mutation
aggravated
by intense sexual frustration.
- Can I help you?
- Well, let's see.
I'll have a frank,
and with it, golly,
I'm not sure.
What would be good?
And what can I do for you, doll?
Who do you have to fuck
to get a hot dog in this dump?
Say what?
You heard me, buster,
and I'm not paying extra
for dialogue,
so cut the chin music.
Hey.
Aah!
Ee
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it was horrible.
So much blood,
like something
out of dostoevsky.
What took you so long
at the snack bar?
Well, I was about to order,
when the next thing I knew
the guy at the counter
went awol for some sweater job.
Captain Monica stark,
L.A. sheriff's department.
Detective molasky.
Now, don't tell me...
Florence, berdine.
- Wow, you're good.
- It's my job.
I understand you both were
at the drive-in last night.
Oh, yeah, berdine's the gal
who found the body.
I want to know
exactly what you heard
and exactly what you saw.
Well, it's hard
because I was concentrating
on the subtext of the film.
What about you, Florence?
Well, I guess I was
coming back from the snack bar.
Did you notice anything...
Unusual, anything at all?
Well, to be honest with you,
the whole night's
something of a blur.
I bet some rat fink
spiked my orangeade.
Hello, girls.
Hi, mom.
Florence, hop in.
I thought you were gonna help
me pickle those beets.
Oh, I was just on my way.
I got to skedaddle. Toodles.
We haven't quite finished.
May I ask what's going on here?
There was a murder
at the drive-in last night,
white female, 17,
sleeping it off in the morgue.
A murder?
And you didn't tell me?
I didn't want to upset you.
What were you doing
around 9:00 P.M., Mrs. forrest?
What any woman should be doing
at that hour... needlepoint.
Yes. Uh, Florence,
if you wouldn't mind answering
a few more questions,
- I...
- I don't think so.
We have beets to pickle,
and Florence has
to practice her oboe.
She has a recital coming up.
Mrs. forrest, I...
Florence, dear, the car.
Wait... now just
one minudo, sister,
before we toss you
both in the holding tank.
Show me a subpoena, flatfoot.
Madam detective,
I will not have my daughter
interrogated
by the secret police.
As far as I know,
we are not yet a part
of the Soviet union.
Good afternoon,
Mrs. forrest, Florence.
Lars, where are you off
to with that enormous satchel,
robbing a bank?
- Laundry time.
- Leave that to me, Lars.
It's women's work.
I do not wish
to impose myself on you.
Nonsense.
It would be a pleasure.
I haven't washed
a man's personal things
since Mr. forrest passed on.
Perhaps it's time
you considered remarriage.
Oh, Lars, you're outrageous.
I lost two husbands
in the big war and one in Korea.
No, my future
lies in my widow's pensions.
I mean pension.
Now, off with you.
You'll find everything
folded on your bed.
Mrs. forrest,
as Florence would say,
you are fantabulous.
Well, they know
how to grow 'em in Sweden.
Mother, can't you just
throw that in the machine?
Oh, darling,
you know I'm a perfectionist.
Oh, just look
at these urine stains.
They may never
come out completely.
Gee, marvel Ann,
I can't believe you called.
I mean, I honestly thought
you'd written me off
as the geekiest geek
of all time.
Keep moving.
We've never been
to Malibu before.
What made you want to come here?
- I have my reasons.
- Wait a minute, guys.
I feel my nose blistering.
- I got to put some...
- If you put any of that
disgusting white gook
on your nose,
I'm sorry.
I happen to be allergic
to the sun.
It's true.
Her face turns fire-engine red
and her lips blow up.
And I get this terrible
chafing between my legs.
Spare me the details, berdine.
Oh, darn, I left my goggles
and flippers in the car.
I think you're forgetting
the reason we're here.
This... is a man hunt.
Let's set our traps.
Can't we just have
a good time by ourselves?
I mean, why do we have
to bother with them?
Don't be a dip.
You've got the sex drive
of a milk dud.
You're 16, girl.
Get with the action.
Just look at that water
overflowing with boys.
Those guys are flying
over those waves.
It's the romping,
stomping, living end!
I'm heading down to the water.
You guys stay right here
and wait for my signal.
They look like beatniks.
Should I unpack my bongos?
I intend to unpack mine.
Whoo, flip my fins, daddy-o.
You see me getting tubed
on that outsider?
I got a tube for you.
Why don't you ride this?
Get him, man.
All right, yo yo.
Yo yo!
= eae sess ep
aah!
Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
Oh, oh, this is so embarrassing,
I could die.
Could you help me tie my straps?
You know, this could be
a subconscious reflex
of an overly stimulated libido.
Say, that sounds dirty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a refugee from the psych
department at Northwestern.
Starcat's the name.
Hey, didn't I see you
at the drive-in movie theater?
Uh-huh.
I'm marvel Ann.
I'm surprised you remember me.
There was a lot
going on that night.
I mean, that girl getting
her throat slashed and all.
Well, she
wasn't the only one murdered.
You killed me with that look.
Are those your friends?
Oh, hardly.
The one with the coke bottles
on her eyes
has something
that resembles a car.
My folks took my wheels away
'cause I ran over an old lady
in a crosswalk.
Parents are such squares!
That was so nifty.
You guys were flying
over those waves like a comet.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Excuse me?
Oh, I'm Florence.
Gosh, how'd you learn
to do that?
Florence, would you mind?
Maybe we should get some lunch.
Oh, you guys were boss.
You make it look so darn easy.
Easy? It takes years
to fly on top of the soup.
You got to stay in the curl.
There's turning, stalling,
trimming, riding the nose.
Alley-oops, duck dives,
flying through a wipeout.
Knowing your way
around point breaks,
reef breaks, shore breaks.
Yeah, doing the turtle,
little nose dips.
- Switch stance and spinners.
- Wow.
I just love to watch.
Well, I want to learn.
You guys mind if I tag along
with you next time you go out?
Forget it. Girls can't surf.
The male of the species
are natural-born hunters,
and our prey
is the perfect wave.
I mean, heck, a surfboard's
even a phallic symbol.
Well, I don't know
about all that phallic stuff,
but I'm a terrific swimmer
and a quick study.
Aw, the great kanaka
would cool to sub-zero
if we let a chick tag along.
Who's the great kanaka?
Only the greatest surfer
of all time... the pope.
Well, maybe he'll teach me
how to surf.
Oh, yeah.
Kanaka's a world champion.
He's not gonna splash around
with a half-pint like you.
Well, what about you?
Are you too big a fish
to teach a girl?
Ain't he simply gorgeous?
Hold me close,
you great big hunk of he-man.
Knock it off.
Kid, listen to it
in high-fidelity
stereophonic sound...
Surfing's a man's domain.
No minnows in the shark tank.
I guess the fella's
just not interested.
Oh, no, I'm afraid of sharks.
All points bulletin
for a big strong hero!
Yeah! Cowabungal!
There is no reason in the world
I can't be one of them.
I've got to ingratiate myself,
but how?
Those guys are interested
in only two things,
and you don't have
either of them.
Ugh!
Man, there went lunch.
I was down to my last peso.
Oh, well, like, hey, you
can have the rest of my hot dog,
and here, berdine,
you don't want this coke.
Hey!
Sit down, take a load off.
Thanks for the chow.
So why do you
stay all covered up?
Are you afraid of
a little sunburn?
It's good for you.
I suffer from the heartbreak
of psoriasis.
My back is covered
with the stuff.
I'm sorry. But, uh...
That football Jersey
looks really neato.
So tell me
about the great kanaka.
Is he really nice,
a lot of laughs?
Kanaka goes to a different bop.
He's a tip-top kaleidoscope
of cool.
Does he live around here?
I mean, I can't even fathom
where someone that fantabulous
would call home except maybe,
like, the white house.
Ha ha! No, kanaka has a place
at the far end of the beach.
Hey, you wouldn't be thinking
about crashing his pad?
What are you doing
snooping around my shack?
Are you the great kanaka?
I am the man who rides the waves
from Jay-pan to the Yucatan.
I'm Florence. Oh, wow!
This is like meeting
Walt Disney or Helen Keller.
I mean, you're a living legend.
Hey, pour some water
on the carburetor.
Hey, is this thing real?
You break it, you buy it.
So what brings you
to kanaka's shack?
Please, great kanaka,
I want to learn how to surf,
and none of the other fellas'll
teach me.
I'm desperate.
Oh, yeah,
we'd make quite a pair.
Sorry, kid, go back
to mama and papa square.
Yeah, I bet if I looked
like this, you'd teach me.
Pussycat,
if you looked like that,
we'd be doing more
than chewing the fat.
Numero uno,
the water's what I crave.
More than anything,
I live for mother wave.
More than anything,
I live for father fuck.
Florence?
I'm afraid
you got the wrong girl.
Florence is not my name.
Who are you?
My name is Anne bowman.
I'm revealing my true nature.
Listen, jailbait,
if I didn't live
by my personal code of honor,
I'd take advantage
of this situation,
erotically, as it were.
I thought you were the man
with the big cigar.
What are you packing,
a tiparillo?
More than you can handle.
Now, before I get mad,
kindly vacate my pad.
Don't you turn your butt to me!
Florence.
My name isn't Florence.
My name is Anne bowman.
Anne bowman, Anne bowman,
Anne bowman!
Yeah, that's right, Anne bowman.
I frighten you, don't I?
- I ain't scared.
- You're lying.
Look at your hands.
They're shaking like jell-o.
No, they ain't.
You're scared. Say it!
You're scared!
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
Yes, ma'am?
Ah, that's better.
You're just a little slave boy,
aren't you, Sonny?
Ma'am, if you would,
I ain't feeling so good.
Listen, sly,
can the nursery rhyme.
I know what you fantasize about.
I know what you dream about,
and I'm gonna
give it to you in spades.
To start, I think
I'll walk you down to the beach
on a leash, capisce?
But what'll the rest
of the fellas think?
To hell with the rest
of the fellas!
I am the most important,
me, Anne bowman.
I will not be cast aside.
I will not be...
Told a girl can't surf.
I mean, golly,
a girl can do all sorts
of things these days,
like be... an executive
secretary.
Anne?
Anne? My name is Florence.
It's squaresville,
but what the heck?
Do you remember
what we were just talking about?
Surfing lessons.
Can we start tomorrow?
I can see I'm wearing
down your resistance.
- You can say that again.
- Yippee!
I got to get moving.
I got to round up
a surfboard, not so easy,
and then tomorrow we'll hit
the old h20o. Toodles.
Ee
What?
Look out for that outsider!
- What?
- Duck under!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
I am sort of
picking it up a little.
Oh, cool, baby, cool.
You're a demon.
- Ow!
- Anne?
Beg your pardon?
Nothing.
Kanaka, I don't mean
to be scraping your fins,
but you can't let a chick
infiltrate our stag clan, man.
That's how it starts.
Next thing you know,
you'll be eating frozen waffles
and wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, you're the emperor
of the seven seas.
This makes us all look cheap.
Hey, kanaka doesn't have
to answer to anybody.
If he wants to indulge
this pipsqueak's penis envy,
that's his business.
Yeah, so there.
Kanaka, I thought
you had some hot babe
that you were seeing.
You can't be that desperate.
Yeah, but the new chick's
as complex as a zodiac.
You can never tell
when she's coming back.
You're not even a chick.
You're a chicklet.
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, that should be
your new name.
Don't you dig it?
It'll pass.
The name's got class.
I hereby dub you chicklet.
I'll buy it, I'll buy it.
I'll be chicklet.
But does this mean
I get to be part of the gang?
There are some prize tomatoes
in that tin can.
I didn't think anybody lived
in the elkins house.
- For good reason.
- How come?
'Cause it's haunted.
Really?
Have you ever been inside?
In my time.
There are ghosts, all right.
I could feel it in my nuts.
You and your nuts.
I've had a man's hairy balls
since I was eight.
It's the source of my power.
They tell me the weather,
time of day,
if there's a pile-up
on route 66.
Did something really awful
happen in that house?
A bunch of people died there.
Some people were born to die.
Here you go.
Aw, berdine, hon, your little
friend's awfully late.
Hey, I got a roast beef au jus
with your initials on it, hmm?
Mm, no, thanks.
I'll wait a little longer.
- All right.
- Pat?
Sorry you're going bald,
but finding clumps of hair
in the chicken a la king,
frankly, grossed me out.
It's reflected in your gratuity.
Well, I never.
And my hair is not...
Hi, berdine.
Aw, you enjoy your own company,
don't you?
I'm waiting for Florence.
Oh, you two
used to be friends, right.
What do you mean, used to be?
I heard she dumped you
now that she's got
all these new friends
down at the beach.
Well, you heard wrong.
I heard she
calls herself chicklet
and that she's hanging out
with that sleazy beach crowd.
Florence is my best friend,
and she's gonna
be here any minute.
What are you doing? What...
Yo yo, give her
the Chinese tickle torture.
Ole! Ole, toro, toro!
No, anything but that!
Aah!
Hey, let's invite them
to the luau.
T.j., toss them a line.
They'll do fine.
What luau?
Just the whippin',
flippin', rippin',
biggest event
of the whole summer.
A wild night.
Know how to spell orgy?
Better than you.
Well, I want to go!
Kid, you're definitely
not the luau type.
But those two angels are.
Junior, you coming?
No, I'm gonna stick around.
There's still some great
shore breaks.
No man rejects Anne bowman.
Anne bowman invented luaus.
Anne bowman invented orgies!
Anne bowman invented revenge.
Guys, any of you know a
surefire cure for constipation?
I got it real bad.
It's wrecking
my center of gravity.
It could be psychological.
A secret or a repressed longing
can lead to anal retention.
Oh, that's silly.
My mom swears by enemas
filled with epsom salt
and beef broth.
Butt out.
Provoloney, we got to dig deep,
deep into that inner dark place
where your fear lives.
I'll take an ex-lax.
On this fine morning,
how is your flipness?
His flipness is ready
to lead his troop into the soup.
- Where's junior?
- Yeah.
Haven't seen him
since yesterday.
Wasn't he with you, chicklet?
Well, yeah,
I guess, for a while.
Kanaka, did you, um,
shave off all your chest hair?
Yeah, well, olympic swimmers
shave their body so's they can
move faster through the water.
Yeah, does your new lady
friend like it that way?
Oh, yeah, baby.
My shave got a rave.
- Wedgie attack!
- Ah!
You guys. Ha ha.
Cowabungal!
Come on, yo yo!
Yo yo, yo!
Ah...
All right, guys, come on.
That's, uh, that's enough.
Ah... uhh...
Aah! What the hell is that?
Yo, it's got psoriasis on it.
Junior.
How long's he been planted
there?
Oh, maybe six hours.
We've located the pancreas,
the intestines, and a big toe.
And this group of deadbeats?
Alibis as tight as
Sandra Dee's butt.
Except that one.
Well, here we are
at yet another murder.
I'd rather we met
for miniature golf.
He was my friend.
I understand that at the time
of the murder
you were walking
along the beach.
Run into anyone
on this relaxing stroll?
I saw her.
Chicklet,
how come you didn't tell her
I bought you a burger and fries?
The great kanaka,
leader of the pack.
Long time, no see.
Still following the sun?
Still walking the straight
and narrow-minded?
Still intend to knock down
this fire trap
you call a bachelor pad.
Come by with those handcuffs,
and we'll burn it down...
Together.
Oh!
You forget that I'm
both a cop and a lady.
Why you picking on us?
We didn't do nothing wrong.
Because I don't like you.
Don't like the way you talk.
Don't like the way you walk.
Don't like your haircut.
You kids think
you own this beach,
think it's a teenage world.
Well, you're dead wrong.
Are you gonna arrest us?
I might.
I've got methods
that can get the truth out
of the most hardened criminal.
I have a special room.
Picture it,
if you will... cold steel,
blinding lights,
formica coffee table.
Oh, I've heard enough.
Well, you'll be hearing more
from me, especially you,
Mr. kanaka.
Cookie.
Kanaka, why's she got it
in for you so bad?
I boffed her once
in west Covina.
Carving up junior
like a Thanksgiving Turkey?
How does a monster
like that sleep at night?
If you're insane, you might
not even remember you did it.
You might not remember anything.
Lars? It's 2:00 in the morning,
and you're doing laundry?
Did I make too much noise?
Oh, only to someone
with insomnia.
And why should you
have trouble sleeping?
Inner demons.
Oh, you ate too much
of your mother's beef tornadoes.
If 1 didn't stop you, you
would have taken all my meat.
Lars, haven't you heard?
One of my friends
was found murdered today,
hacked up to bits,
and it looks like I was
the last one to see him alive.
Do you have any idea who would
do such a terrible thing?
No, but then I wonder
if maybe I did see something
but I can't remember,
like a mental block.
On...
It's very sad about your friend,
but you must not
torture yourself.
You are alive.
You must go out and surf
the waves just like your friend
would have done.
As my old grandmother,
Ingrid, used to say, "Lars..."
That's what she said, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess
that does make me
feel a little better.
And the papa bear said, "who's
been sleeping in my sandbox?"
Oh, am I trespassing?
I had no idea.
Say, you look real familiar.
Oh, no, I don't.
Give us a clue.
What's your name?
I'm afraid I can't answer that.
Are you incognito?
No, I'm German-Irish.
Wait a minute.
Chicklet, move a little
to the left.
A little more.
And yo yo,
lean your head in closer.
Keep going. Yeah, that's it!
The pizza waitress
with three heads.
- Bettina Barnes?
- Shh!
No one must know
my true identity.
I ran away from the studio.
You can't imagine
what it's like being exploited
by those lousy flesh peddlers
and power brokers,
everyone wanting a little piece.
I'm not a pepperoni.
I saw that one flick,
sex kittens go to outer space?
It was a good film, then I had
to do the four sequels.
Quelle trash.
They have no respect for
the rights of the individual.
We'll respect you.
Ah, would you really?
You see, I'm hiding out here
until the studio
agrees to my terms,
both script director
and hairdo approval.
Florence, there you are!
Yesterday I waited for you
at auggie's for over two hours.
Please, my name is chicklet.
Yes, you're definitely
not Florence anymore.
Bettina Barnes!
Shh! She's in hiding.
Oh, bettina Barnes in person.
I loved you in the
tarantula queen of hoboken.
I swear, I saw sex kittens and
the killer meatballs 16 times.
Oh, did you really?
Oh, yes, miss Barnes.
You are more than
a mere sex kitten.
You are the feminine embodiment
of the nietzschean Superman,
ever striding, striking a blow
for the truth in the eternal
battle of the sexes.
That is what I have been
telling my agent for months.
What is your name?
Berdine.
Always was berdine,
always will be.
Oh. Well, you know,
I desperately need
a secretary/companion/masseuse.
How'd you like to have a job
for the summer?
I'm really honored,
but Florence and I have a
zillion things planned, and...
I'd love to be your gal Friday.
When do I start?
Pronto. Come inside.
I am gonna let you
into my private world.
We are gonna have a blast.
Chicklet!
Are you okay?
How come you helped me?
I thought you would have
let me drown.
What would you say
a crazy thing like that for?
It's common knowledge
that you hate me.
I don't hate you.
I don't hate you at all.
When you didn't come up,
I suddenly thought...
I thought,
"well, doesn't she know
she should dive
before the wipeout?
Of course I know that.
It was an accident.
But then, you never have
accidents, do you, Mr. perfect?
Don't you ever call me that.
What, Mr. perfect?
You don't know what it's
like having everybody think
you're the golden boy, perfectly
smart, perfectly athletic.
You can't imagine the pressure.
And I thought all those people
starving in India had it bad.
It's a curse,
but you're so wrapped up
trying to prove
you're one of the guys
you've never given a thought
to my personal anguish.
Well, you're not a guy,
and you never will be.
Why... why can't you be
a normal girl like marvel Ann?
Oh, I wish I could be
more like her,
so cultured, so refined.
I can just imagine
all those wonderful evenings
you've spent together
at the opera, museums,
reading the great books.
Aw, forget it!
Next time you're drowning,
you can save yourself.
And no matter how hard you
try, you will always be perfect!
Perfect, perfect, perfect!
Perfect hair, perfect teeth,
perfect eyes...
Perfectly perfect.
Miss Barnes?
Miss Barnes?
Another lousy Sci-Fi
horror flick.
Berdine, I just...
I can't identify
with the ratface girl from Mars.
Is it really that bad?
Honey, Lassie
could fart out a better script.
Miss b, I found this photograph
tucked away in a corner.
- Is this your family?
- Oh, no.
I've never seen it before.
Oh, come in, come in.
We brought you some flowers,
but I guess my body heat
sort of slaughtered them.
Oh, well,
you must have one hot body.
Hey there, berdine.
How's it going?
Hey, look,
berdine just found this photo.
I wonder who it could be.
Whoa, this here's
the flipside of cool.
The elkins family.
Say, are those the people who...
Oh, you can tell me.
I like feeling tingles.
Yeah, well, baby, this tale
even makes my massive
cojones rise.
- Oh.
- 15 years ago,
the elkins family
made this joint their digs.
Ten-year-old Larry was
the youngest of the three kids.
One hot summer night
he couldn't sleep,
so he took his mom's
sharpest carving knife
and hacked them all to death.
Oh, look at my goose bumps.
You know, they say
this house is haunted.
If you're scared,
I'd like to make a pitch
at being your bodyguard,
all night long if need be.
Oh, tres gallant.
Miss b,
I've got an even better idea.
I've a book at home
on balinese exorcism rituals.
I bet I could get rid
of those ghosts.
Oh, quelle fun. Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
We'll have
a slumber party Chez moi,
and we'll take a whack
at some of those spells.
That'll teach
those evil spirits who's boss.
Cool.
A slumber party
thrown by a movie actress?
Oh, perhaps
if it were Deborah kerr
or Audrey hepburn,
but bettina Barnes?
Out of the question.
Oh, but mother, it's not
like we're going to be
drag racing
through Griffith park.
Florence, please get the eggs
out of the frigidaire.
You're going to love
this bavarian custard pudding.
But mother...
Dear,
a slumber party is an invitation
to sexual intercourse.
Oh, I know how they paint it
in the movies...
A man and a woman locked
in embrace,
soft lighting,
a pitcher of Manhattans,
rachmaninoff playing
in the background.
Well, my girl,
that is not how it is.
You have no idea
how repugnant it can be to have
a man's sweaty thing
poking at you.
- Ow.
- You like that?
- How does that feel?
- Mother, stop,
- you're hurting me.
- Huh?
That's nothing compared to
when they poke you down there.
Get them ugly old paws off me,
bitch.
- Florence...
- Don't tell me how to handle
my man's flippety-floppety,
baby.
I grease up the cake pan,
throw it in the oven,
- and let the batter rise.
- Florence, stop it!
On!
Mother? Mother, what's wrong?
Why are you crying?
You never know, do you?
I must be the worst mother
in the entire world.
No, it's just that, well,
things are different
from when you were young,
but that doesn't mean
you're bad.
You really want to go
to that party, don't you?
I'll die if I miss it, mom.
It's the nonstop ultimate.
Well, as long
as there are no boys present,
I guess it's as you teens
would say, okel-dokel.
Oh, mother.
I feel the spirit's hot breath
on my neck.
Oh, their lips on mine,
so sweet.
Oh, a touch, fingers
lightly caressing my breast.
Oh, a tongue,
a tongue licking my...
Good gravy, I forgot the chant.
That's supposed to come first.
We were doing just swell.
On.
Okay, why don't we just
take a break,
and I'll whip up
the house special,
my world-famous jalapeo
pancakes with peach sauce, hmm?
Oh, look at me.
I am hopeless.
Oh, I'll get that.
Oh, stop. Um...
I think it's best
if we preserve the fantasy
of my on-screen image.
On.
Wait.
Meet me in the guest bathroom
in ten minutes.
Dig this.
Must be bettina's room.
It's just me, starcat.
Sorry.
I'm sure Larry elkins
is residing in a well-guarded
booby hatch somewhere.
Unless the state board of
evaluation found his treatment
and rehabilitation
to be complete.
Then he can get sprung.
As an expert,
maybe you can help me.
See, I have this girlfriend.
I'm kind of worried about her.
She has these blackouts.
What sort of blackouts?
Well, she says
when she comes to,
she doesn't really remember
anything that happened,
but she thinks when she's out,
she's really out.
I mean, like, out of her bird.
Well, what do you think?
It's not professional
to give an instant diagnosis,
but I'd say
she's probably suffering
from morbidly psychotic episodes
of schizophrenia.
I didn't know
berdine was so unstable.
Berdine? Who said anything
about berdine?
Well, you don't have
any other friends.
Twisted loner that I am?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
How's about a truce?
Okay, a truce,
and I take it back
that you're perfect.
You're deeply flawed.
In fact, from a certain angle,
I can even see a small bump
on your nose.
From one mess to another?
I think the reason
I pick on you so much
is because you're so darn perky.
You can't help it. I mean,
not all of us can be attuned
to the darker side of life.
Fuck you.
Starcat?
I'm here.
Remember me, marvel Ann?
Is... is that the lady
of my dreams?
Mm, tingles.
Imagine bettina
wearing this stuff.
Yeah, and naked underneath.
Ooh, ooh,
I could just see her pretty
titties bouncing under this one.
Let me see.
Wow, which is the top?
On.
Here, try this on.
It looks your size.
I don't know, I think
it makes my neck look thick.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, we was just,
you know, looking for stuff
for the exorcism.
Yeah, we didn't hurt anything,
honest.
Oh, of course you didn't.
Oh, those white feathers,
they just look great
against your tan.
But, you know, I don't think
this is your color at all.
Try on my black peignoir.
You know, it's a Paris original.
Oh, I, you know,
don't really want to...
Oh, there's nothing
wrong with dressing up.
That's why I'm an actress.
Some afternoon
you should come over,
and we can play beauty parlor.
Sure, yeah, but, you know,
we got to get downstairs.
You know, the guys, they're
gonna be waiting for us, so...
Oh, yeah, yeah, the guys.
But you haven't even seen
my shoes.
Berdine, have I been
acting strange lately?
Other than being
an obnoxious snob?
That bad, huh?
It's okay.
You're part
of the cool crowd now.
Being best friends and soul
mates is sort of kid stuff.
As Jean-Paul sartre would say...
No, what I meant was
do you think I'm suffering
from morbidly psychotic episodes
of schizophrenia?
Morbidly schizophrenic what?
Where'd you get that crazy idea?
It's like just now.
I was talking to starcat,
and now I'm out here with you.
Does this happen a lot?
Well...
Last time it happened
was the night junior was killed.
Kanaka, you rat fink.
Don't give me no sass.
It was a gas.
Is he dead?
That's dead.
- 1.j.!
- Nobody touch a thing.
Cookie, is there something
stuffed in his mouth?
Oh, my god.
Somebody's bumping off
all our friends.
I don't want to die.
I'm panicking.
- It's giving me agita.
- I'm experiencing
severe feelings of loss
and a profound sense of anxiety.
You guys are the absolute limit.
I suppose this is your answer
to school overcrowding,
letting us
get butchered one by one?
We were in the lanai
when we heard bettina.
I'd know that scream anywhere,
tender and vulnerable,
yet brimming
with inner strength.
Miss Barnes,
I hope my colleagues
weren't too rough on you.
No, I'm all right.
This trauma can only make me
a greater artist.
You see, to excel at drama,
one must experience tragedy
and then be able to transform
that into the raw material
of art.
Otherwise...
Keep it going, partner.
Keep up the speed.
Harder.
Pull back.
Now run the light.
- Yaaah!
- Ah!
What's wrong?
Taking a breather.
I talked to
sergeant macklehenny.
He said we could have
the wedding in his backyard,
and Steve Casey's wife
said she'd do the flowers.
You've been busy.
Well, if we want
a June wedding...
Isn't that a little soon?
What, having second thoughts?
It's just that, well,
I'm taking
the detective's exam next month.
Shouldn't you be thinking
about having babies?
A baby?
You've got to be kidding.
My career's just building.
I'm sure
you can understand that.
I guess I just like
being a cop on the beat.
Well, I want more.
I'm gonna show those bastards
who said a woman
couldn't be a detective.
And where do I fit in?
Honey, you fit just fine.
Stop it!
- I'm not your whore.
- Don't talk that way.
This isn't what I want.
None of it!
Come back.
Darling, all the success
in the world means nothing
unless you're beside me.
I need you!
Monica, you okay?
Of course I am.
Strange that the victim
had only one testicle
stuffed in his mouth.
I believe they usually
come in pairs.
Well, that's 'cause
he only had one.
I checked.
Plenty of meat,
but only one potato.
Cookie, the girl who was
murdered at the drive-in,
do you recall any distinguishing
marks or scars?
Yes, indeedy.
Victim had a harelip.
Precisely, a harelip,
a common birth defect.
The boy at the beach
suffered from
the heartbreak of psoriasis,
and this young man had one nut.
Cookie,
someone out there has a problem
with people who are different.
Look at this dull blade,
can't even slice
through a sandwich meat.
If there's one thing
I can't stand,
it's imperfection.
No room in the world for it.
It's just not the same
without t.4. And junior.
Yeah, I can still picture
old t.J. Hanging ten
off the nose of his hobie.
And all that time
he only had one nut.
Yeah.
Hey, kanaka,
think we should cancel the luau?
You know,
out of respect for the dead?
No way, man.
We got to commune
under the full moon
to celebrate our main man,
king Neptune.
Yeah, I mean, they'd want
us to have a good time.
Us? She's saying us again.
Maybe the kid should come.
Might be a good mix,
like adding coke to rum.
Oh, golly, my first luau.
I've never been to
an orgy before.
What do I wear?
I got to split.
I'm late to meet marvel Ann.
Chicklet, old buddy,
can I borrow a few bucks
to buy something sweet
to keep my girl cuddly?
Sure.
Frankly, Dr. Edwards,
in the past
I've had little use
for you head shrinkers...
Inkblot tests, I hate my mother,
and all that crap.
But with this case
I find myself at a loss.
I understand you
specialize in the treatment
of homicidal maniacs.
Yes, but I've never
been involved
in a criminal investigation.
Ha. Don't worry,
you can leave the cops
and robbers stuff to me.
What I need from you is this...
What kind of sicko
am I looking for?
The perpetrator preys
upon vulnerable unfortunates
the killer deems somehow flawed.
Give me a profile.
Let's say the assailant
is highly sophisticated
yet childlike,
vulnerable but canny,
capable of both tenderness
and extreme brutality.
The murderer
is highly intelligent
yet strangely
out of touch with reality,
sexual,
yet surprisingly innocent.
This individual
has an insatiable craving
for normalcy which will make
your investigation
- all the more difficult.
- How so?
Because the killer
will do everything in his power
to pass as normal.
He or she could be anyone.
What you doing?
For the luau, pagan god of sex.
Oh, funny coincidence... that's
what I need some advice about.
See, there's this girl I know
who's friends with this guy.
She wants to be
more than just friends.
What I need to know is if she
puts out, will he respect her?
Kid, lesson number one,
don't be sleazy.
Nobody wants
what they can get too easy.
For instance,
I got this lady friend.
I haven't seen her in a while.
And that makes you really
miss her, huh?
Uh-huh.
Don't even know
how to reach her.
Her name's Anne bowman.
Ring a bell?
Nope. Does she live around here?
Real close.
It's still a mystery to me
just what turns her on.
Is something wrong
with your back?
Oh, man,
I must be out of my gourd.
Kid, before I get myself
in a jam, you better scram.
Yeah, my mom would be frosted
if she knew I was alone
with a man in his house.
I mean, I don't know why.
It's not like you find
me even remotely sexy.
I mean, you probably...
Anne? Are you back?
With a vengeance.
God, I didn't think
the little twerp
would ever let me in.
It's the circles, isn't it?
You're a regular Einstein.
Mistress Anne,
I've been a bad boy.
And bad boys get spanked.
Bad boys get tortured.
Cowabungal!
Boy, what you doing
dressed up like a ho?
- You out your mind?
- Anne?
Anne? Who you be calling Anne?
My name is tylene,
tylene Carmichael carmel.
I work the checkout
at the safeway.
Look, it's going on 4:30, right,
and my supervisor, miss...
Bring Anne back!
Look what I've got for you!
Back up! I got me a blade.
I'll cut you. I will cut you.
Forget the paddle, bad idea.
Don't mess with me, boy.
Don't even
try to escape my power.
The world
has conspired to suppress me,
but I've risen like a Phoenix
to claim my birthright.
Anne bowman, dominatrix,
empress of the planet earth.
Catchy, isn't it?
You know, I think
I've gotten in over my head.
Oh, miss b,
auggie's does deliver.
Berdine, how can I
express universal emotions
if I don't observe
how real people live?
Oh, how terribly human.
Now, we mustn't draw
attention to ourselves.
We're here to observe.
Look over there, a brave soul.
Yeah, she's pretty brave,
all right.
- Hello, berdine.
- Hello, Rhonda.
Not alone for a change.
You gonna introduce me
to your new friends?
This is yo yo and provoloney.
Hmm, intellectual types.
And this is my cousin,
frieda diefendorfer
from altoona.
You're not from altoona.
You're bettina Barnes.
Well, you're very sweet
and very pretty.
So that is your real voice.
I thought maybe they messed
with it to make it sound funny.
Oh, well,
would you care to join us?
No, I've got to get going home.
I've got friends
coming for dinner.
Berdine, you're not invited.
Miss Barnes, I'm a real fan.
You know, for crummy movies,
the camera
work must be pretty good.
Can't even see
those itty-bitty lines.
Anyway, it's been a thrill.
Kisses.
That wheelchair
needs an ejector seat.
So what can I do you for?
I think we need
a few more minutes.
Hey, hon, has anyone
ever told you you're a ringer
for that gal that makes
all those stinky horror movies?
I need air.
Oxygen, I'm suffocating.
I have to go outside.
- I'll go with you.
- No.
I must be alone.
Don't worry,
just order me a Reuben,
fries, and a cherry coke.
What are you looking at,
asshole?
What are you doing?
I don't... 1 don't need
your stinking help, okay?
Where the hell
are you taking me?
There's your tuna melt
and your bit,
and you got the prunes.
Those oughta loosen you up.
Ain't your friend coming back?
Oh, I hope so.
Oh, my lord.
Berdine, darling.
- It's been ages.
- Chicklet?
Where'd you find that get-up?
Oh, this?
A gift from an admirer.
I am panting for a cocktail.
A highball, baby,
hold the fruit.
You're not even old enough
to be smoking.
Peasant, be gone.
You're annoying me.
You're on a wild groove.
Love your eye makeup,
very Cleopatra.
Well, I... 1-
what's this all over my fingers?
- What's this?
- I think it's fabulous.
- Are you okay?
- Berdine, it happened again.
What happened?
I was in kanaka's shack.
Oh, god, what's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.
She's just putting you guys on.
Ever since we were kids
she's been doing funny voices.
Both: Oh.
Clear a path, police.
All of yas, evaporate.
The crippled girl.
Fits the pattern.
Miss Barnes, why am I feeling
a sense of dja vu?
I have a breath mint
in my purse, sweetie.
Will that help?
A strange coincidence
that all of your recent
personal appearances
have been at crime scenes.
Say, is that a crack?
Fellas, do, please, sit down.
I want to talk to you
about the murders
that have been taking place.
I'm concerned
that one of you could be
- the killer's next target.
- Why us?
Well, so far
the killer's gone after
a girl with a harelip,
a young lady in a wheelchair,
a boy with psoriasis,
and another with one testicle.
Is there anything about you
that the killer could possibly
perceive as freakish?
Come now, fess up.
Everyone has something
they'd rather hide.
Since he won't say anything,
I guess I'll tell you.
Provoloney's
so constipated he's in
Ripley's believe it or not
for going 67 days
without taking a dump.
You want to see a freak?
Starcat, show her your big toe.
The nall fell off.
It makes you want to puke.
You guys think
this is real funny.
Wheelchairs and harelips
and stuff,
kind of makes
you want to crack up.
Oh, you kids.
I just hope someday
decent people no longer
find this sort of sick humor
a source of comedy.
Yo yo, a penny
for your thoughts.
There's nothing wrong with me.
This is for your own protection.
Do you feel different
in any way?
[, uh...
Maybe a little.
What are you talking about?
You're 100% normal.
I am, but...
Sometimes I feel like
there's something in me
that's kind of...
The way I feel towards...
I mean, provoloney and me...
I can't believe this. Forget it.
You know, I hope the killer
knocks us all off.
Provoloney!
What exactly did I sound like?
Like an old lady,
like you were 30.
"Berdine, darling."
Oh, you won't tell anyone
I'm a nut job, will you?
Oh, of course not.
Chicklet forrest,
you are my best friend.
I'd keep your secret forever.
- You'd do that for me?
- I'd take a bullet.
It makes me feel like the way
things used to be
when it was just the two of us.
Hello, girls.
Florence, may I
ask of you a favor?
I wish to wear these trousers
to the luau Saturday night,
but the button fell off.
I'm not good with the needles.
Each time I put my hand
in the pants, I feel a prick.
Sure thing, Lars.
Thank you.
Oh, the luau.
I can't wait
to hear all about it.
Oh, I'm not going.
But you've got to go.
You have been canvassing
for that invitation all summer.
What if I blow a fuse
and I short out the whole party?
What goes on when I black out?
Golly, could I be the nutter
who's been butchering
all these people?
I'll never get
into a good school.
You've got to finish college.
It's a terrible tragedy seeing
all of your wonderful
moneymaking
- potential going to waste.
- That's parent stuff.
Kanaka says I've got the
potential to be a great surfer.
Where you going?
I am mapping out my future,
and you're not in it.
And here, you can take back
your tacky old ten-cent pin.
- Let me help you with that.
- Get your hands off of me!
No, but I think I can get it.
Marvel Ann, I am so sorry.
You did that on purpose.
You are a selfish,
disgusting, perverted weirdo,
and my advice to you
is to straighten up,
buckle down, and apply yourself
like any decent presbyterian.
Girl trouble?
It's a lot more than that.
See, I'm an extremely
complex person
with deep-rooted neuroses
and anxieties.
Why am I telling you this?
You're just a kid.
I'm not just a kid.
I'm... how did kanaka put it?
A luscious voluptuary.
He never said that, liar.
He taught me how to surf,
didn't he?
And he always wants
to see me alone.
As a matter of fact,
I'm headed over to his shack
later today for an extremely
intimate tete-a-tete.
You're just trying
to make me jealous.
Ha. If we were at war
with the Soviet union,
I wouldn't even let you
into my bomb shelter.
Hey, hold on.
Didn't we call a truce?
You know, you could make
a tasty morsel to some wolf.
Starcat...
What do you do with marvel Ann?
I mean when you're alone.
It's kind of
embarrassing, chicklet.
Tell me. I mean, I need
to learn about this stuff.
Well, she nestles
real close to me.
Kind of like this?
Yeah, sort of like that.
And I hold her in my arms.
Kind of like this?
Then what do you do?
I kiss the back of her neck.
You know, in the movies,
sometimes they
lie down together,
like over by these rocks.
- I can't do this with you.
- Oh, come on.
Pretend I'm marvel Ann.
I mean, I don't want guys
to think I'm frigid.
I stroke her arm,
and she kisses my chest.
Then you take
your clothes off, right?
Uh-huh.
I caress her smooth,
satiny flesh.
It glows in the sunset.
She gently touches my muscles
with her fingertips.
She sinks to her knees
with a look of loving rapture.
My erect penis grazes her cheek.
She slides it in her mouth,
cupping my balls with one hand
and playing with my anus
with her finger.
Oh, god!
Chicklet! Chicklet, come back!
- Kanaka.
- Hold on, doctor.
I don't dig surprise visits.
I wanted to get here
before chicklet.
What's it to you?
She's not your chick.
She shouldn't be yours either.
She's only a kid.
That's all you know.
If you've laid a finger on her...
Hey, cool out.
I've never even touched her,
but let me tell you,
she is off the wall.
There is more to that chicklet
than meets the old eyeball.
There's, like,
two chicklets in one.
What are you talking about?
I know it's odd,
but she's like twins in one bod.
Are you saying
she has a split personality?
Split, one's an angel,
the other's a she-devil.
Calls herself Anne bowman,
and the screwy thing is
I can switch her off and on
like a flashlight.
So do you think this
Anne bowman could be violent?
You tell me.
I hope you put some bactine
on that scratch.
Kanaka, I hate to say this,
but I think our little chicklet
may be the butcher
of Malibu beach.
Chicklet, hi. Um...
We were just talking about you.
Checking up on me, huh?
Well, if it isn't
the Malibu branch of the CIA.
Chicklet,
I'm fixing up the place.
What do you think of my
new curtains, lots of circles?
I know how you dig
the crazy circles.
Starcat, this is the friend
I wanted you to meet.
You lousy son of a...
Oh, listen, guys, really...
Aw, now you've done it, man.
I've done it?
- Oh, what happened?
- Dear god!
Who the hell are you?
Mother, what are you doing here?
Your oboe recital was at 4:00.
Do you even care?
To track you down,
I've had to consort with
the lowest form of beach scum
only to find you here like this.
Uh, miss forrest,
you don't understand.
Indeed I do.
I believe this is what you
young people call a gangbang.
Mother, kanaka and starcat
are my friends.
Florence, dear,
please wait in the car.
- But mother...
- End of discussion.
Just get in the car.
I'll have you know
I fully intend to press charges.
You two had better find
a good lawyer because I'm going
to tear your peckers off
in that courtroom.
- Captain?
- Yes, cookie?
I just checked the plates
on that dodge.
It's registered
under the name Thor frestur,
mar vista, California.
Sounds phony, like an anagram.
Thor frestur.
Put the r before the s,
t in back of the e,
and you get Rose h. Toruf.
Hmm. Take the h,
move it back to the fourth spot,
the o to the last syllable,
Seth r. Roufort.
No, that's not it.
Put the r
back in the first slot,
the f at the top
of the last name,
and what have you got?
Mrs. Ruth forrest.
Good evening, Mrs. forrest.
Lars, look at you.
I'm on my way to the luau.
I wanted to ask you, my car
is still in the shop.
Might [...
Take the dodge any time.
I never use it.
Shall I wait
and give Florence a ride?
I have forbidden
her from attending.
I had no idea she'd been
palling around with
that disgusting beach trash.
Garbage like that oughta
be incinerated.
Oh, Lars, be a lamb?
Screw that light bulb
in overhead.
It's been flickering all night
and driving me batty.
But of course, Mrs. forrest.
Don't you think it's time
you called me ruthie?
On.
Climb up on that stool.
It should hold your weight.
You keep yourself so trim.
I owe you a cocktail
for this good turn.
Oh, I don't like
the hard liquor.
One little nip
ain't gonna kill ya.
Oh, damn it to hell.
Better soak this immediately.
Stool's a little wobbly.
Wouldn't want you to fall.
I think perhaps you require
the services of an electrician.
Baby, just screw
the goddamn bulb in the socket.
Mrs. forrest,
I've never seen you like this.
This is not you.
No, this is not you at all.
How the heck
did you get up here?
The wonders of literature.
To Everest and beyond:
Mountain climbing made easy.
We are going to that luau.
Marvel Ann.
I knew you'd come crawling back.
I'm looking for chicklet.
Have you seen her?
Yeah, she's in the bottom
of this glass.
- Bettina?
- Hmm?
Have you seen chicklet?
Oh, no, come to think of it,
I haven't seen her.
Oh, but starcat,
I want you to meet
my new friend.
This is Joey. He's deaf.
Oh, and look, he has 11 fingers.
Isn't that cute?
Poor sucker.
Doesn't stand a chance in hell.
J the tallest waves j
j into outer space ~
nothing's copacetic.
The poi's overcooked,
I see no lychee nuts.
I ordered lychee nuts,
and the pineapple's gone bad.
You can't make a pu pu platter
without pineapple.
Pull yourself together,
provoloney.
You're at the breaking point.
I can't take the pressure.
Oh, shit.
My insides are finally moving.
I really got to go.
Do what you got to do, man,
and don't forget:
When you get back,
I'll be waiting for you.
Yo yo, you're the greatest.
Chicklet, wow.
You look so...
Glamorous?
Sophisticated?
- Scrumptious?
- Yeah.
Look, I don't know
how to say this,
but you shouldn't be here.
- Oh, I get the picture.
- You do?
Now that marvel Ann's here,
I'm back to being
Lassie to your Timmy.
Now, get this.
I'm gonna be the life
of this luau,
and if anyone tries to stop me,
I'll...
I'l kill them.
Selacs a
- hello.
- Hello.
Kanaka, what gives?
You know those characters?
I've had the displeasure.
Wedge Riley's
out of the big house,
and the coroner's hurting
for slabs.
I wonder if the two
could be related.
Looks like they
want to start something.
This started a long time ago.
Wedge Riley.
So what brings you
to our nocturnal celebration?
Just a friendly visit.
No need for confrontation.
Wedge, old man,
I appreciate the wit,
but from trash like you
I take no shit.
Cool, daddy-o, cool.
Over this domain you rule,
but let me give you
some good advice:
To honor king Neptune
you need a virgin sacrifice.
Virgin sacrifice?
What the hell's that?
An ancient ritual
started in del mar in '62.
Forget it, wedge.
Well, what happens
to the virgin sacrifice?
I mean, what do you do to her?
You shouldn't even be here.
There you go, treating me
like a pipsqueak again.
We were gonna do the ritual,
but it turns
out we don't got no virgins.
Well, I'll do it.
I mean, I'm your man...
I mean, your virgin.
Ooh, yeah,
fresh as a salad
out of the fridge.
You'll do nicely.
- I won't let you.
- Please, chicklet, don't.
It's an existential fate
worse than death.
You gonna let your pals spoil
a night you'll never forget?
Let the ritual begin.
I do have a few conditions,
though.
I mean, first of all,
no blindfolds.
What's going on back there?
Hey, is that chicklet?
She's got more garnish on her
than my grandma's antipasto.
Oh, at least she has clothes on.
That's more
than I got back in altoona.
King Neptune, to you
we offer the ring of fate.
In other words,
scumbags, form a circle!
No circles. That... that...
That's not the way
we do things around here.
Dance, fools, dance.
That ain't the way
a virgin should act.
Kiss my ass, flunky.
I'm calling the shots now.
Put me down
from this thing, now!
Where's my whip?
Who's got my goddamn whip?
Now chicklet's gonna
do some impressions.
- Do your zsa-zsa.
- I warned you not to touch me.
- That's one flaked-out chick.
- I'm not mere chick.
I'm a goddess,
and the first thing I'm gonna
sacrifice are your balls, Sonny.
There! Officers,
those men seduced my daughter.
Your daughter is mentally ill.
She's not sick. She's not sick!
It's true!
I'm hardly the lunatic
you're painting me to be.
I'm utterly in control.
You're merely a delusion
of chicklet forrest
that enables her to express
anger and rage.
Fancy phrases and a big basket.
I'm gonna place
you under hypnosis,
and we're gonna get
to the root of the trauma,
the guilt complex that
fragmented
chicklet's personality.
I can't allow this.
He doesn't even know
what he's doing.
He's had three semesters
of psych at Northwestern.
It's either that
or an ice pick lobotomy.
Starcat, proceed.
You're feeling tired, drowsy.
You can't keep your eyes open.
Oh, someone stop this madness.
Oh, shut your hole.
Go on, darling doctor starcat.
I want to talk to chicklet.
It's hard.
I feel so far away.
I can't... travel
down the Hollywood freeway.
Be prepared for stop-and-go-
What's going on?
It's a bad connection.
Help me.
- Chicklet, is that you?
- Uh-huh.
- How old are you?
- 71/2.
- I don't like this place.
- Where are you?
The hotel.
Oh, well, look who's here.
We've got visitors.
Curtsy, Florence,
like I taught you.
Mama, we're ready
to go to the movies.
Oh, darlings, I'm so sorry.
We're gonna
have to skip the picture.
But you promised.
Well, mother's got
to do her part
for the boys
serving our country.
Why don't you and Frankie
go sit in the living room
and listen to the radio?
Sugar,
I don't even know your name.
Oh, pleased to meet you, Johnny.
I'm Anne, Anne bowman.
I was so angry.
I wanted to hurt her.
I took Frankie to the playground
across the street.
Please don't make me go on.
You got to. What happened next?
He kept asking me
to push him harder and harder
until he was soaring
into the clouds.
Then he said,
"make me go round the world."
Aah!
No!
I did it, I did it,
I killed him!
It was my fault.
When Florence lost her memory
I took it as
a blessing from god.
I vowed to create
a better life for us.
I changed my name,
I moved to a new city.
- Oh, mother, hold me.
- Darling.
That's the most exciting
story idea I've heard in years.
This is the project
that could showcase my talent
as a great dramatic actress.
Story?
A surfer chick
with a split personality.
Oh, I can see a hit
Broadway play,
and we'll sort out
the movie rights.
Honey, I want to option
this property, and believe me,
I'll pay top dollar.
Bettina, do you think
you're ready to tackle
- such a complex role?
- I don't think, I feel.
I know this girl.
I am chicklet.
I hate to miss
your opening night,
but I'll be in a loony bin
for the criminally cuckoo.
- Oh, no.
- Not so fast, chicklet.
I wouldn't model
that straightjacket just yet.
Someone so tormented
for being an outsider
that she's compelled to destroy
others who don't fit in.
Mrs. forrest,
you're under arrest.
Oh, no! It can't be!
What are you doing?
This is a dreadful mistake.
Come on, sister,
you're going places.
Get your hands off me.
I'm innocent, I tell you!
I'm innocent!
All right,
cut her off at the pits.
Let me go.
No, I'm not moving.
Just try and make me, pig-woman!
Lady, you are
getting me steamed!
Oh, please don't hurt her!
You'll never get away with this,
motherfucking cocksuckers!
My mother, a murderess?
What next?
Oh, berdine, did I hurt you?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I thought by
making excuses for you
I was being a best friend.
I should have gotten you help.
I stink rotten eggs.
We've got to get
both of you home.
Actually...
I think I'd like
to stay a little longer.
I can take Florence home.
Oh, Lars,
you sure picked one heck
of an American family
to shack up with.
I'm not worried.
How can I ever thank you?
Well, you just being chicklet
again's all the thanks I need,
and believe me, one's enough.
Shall we go?
Florence,
this must be the worst thing
that's ever happened to you.
It's definitely up there
in the top ten.
Your mother
couldn't help herself.
In her own way,
she believed she was saving
those poor, sick people.
If you don't mind,
I'm not really in the mood
for conversation right now.
I understand completely.
Still, I was surprised
to learn of your deep
psychological problems.
I always thought of you
as a well-adjusted typical
American girl.
Almost boring, really.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
There is so much ugliness
in the world.
Can't there be anyone
who is utterly perfect?
Gee, all those revelations
today have made me famished.
How's about stopping over there
for a quick bite?
I think not.
Psychologically
it just doesn't jive.
- It can't be Mrs. forrest.
- Hmm. Poor chicklet.
Well, at least she's not alone.
It's a good thing
she has Lars with her, huh?
Yeah, Lars.
Bettina, do you still have
that photo of the elkins family?
Well, you mean the ones
who were murdered?
I put it in the credenza.
Starcat, what are you doing?
Why are you
running away from me?
I only want to help you!
Could you pass the mustard?
Lars, what happened
to your accent?
I don't need it.
I can finally be myself.
- Call me Larry.
- As in elkins?
Pleased to meet you.
Unfortunately,
this is also good-bye.
- You best be backing off.
- Huh?
You a nut. Give me that knife.
I'm axing you nicely,
give me that thang.
Oh, I'll give you the knife.
You going, down, fuckface.
Criminy.
There's the dodge.
They must be in the drive-in.
How could you do
that to your own family?
You're just like all the others.
- No one understands.
- Try me.
I can be very perceptive.
You can't possibly imagine
what it's like to grow up
in a house of freaks.
My mother was blind,
my father was deaf,
and my sisters were midgets.
They had to die
so I could be free.
So why kill me?
I'm your pal. I'm the one
who fixed your pants.
And now I'm gonna fix you.
Look, up there!
Alone at last.
Larry, please, don't.
I've got you now,
just the way I want you.
You pathetic little worm.
- No man conquers Anne bowman.
- What?
You're weak. You disgust me.
You like being humiliated,
don't you?
Help me. Chicklet!
Starcat?
The bitch is gone,
and now so are you.
Put down the knife.
Make me.
Poor Larry.
That's the end of that.
The circle goes round,
but I'm still me.
You're cured.
I remember that grip.
- Feels good?
- Mmm, it feels real good.
Want to wrestle?
For the championship.
Let's get out of here.
Boy, there sure are a lot
of twisted souls out there.
Maybe I should become
a psychiatrist.
You'd be tops.
I'm proof of that.
I'd have to go back to school.
Leave everything behind.
Not everything.
Chicklet, I was wondering,
will I ever?
Florence?
Florence? Florence, wake up.
Wake up.
You got to get up.
I must have been dreaming.
It's time for your treatment.
Ready?
You were in my dream.
- And you were there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bite.
- And you.
We dream many foolish things
when we're ill.
Kisses.
So it was all her dream?
What a gyp.
Well, it's based
on a true story.
I'm just glad that
creepy Anne bowman
is locked up for good.
Don't be so sure, darlings.
J p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j there was a crazy
beach party that was underway j
j with lots of rocking
teenagers from the usa 2
j they planed to romp
and stomp till broad daylight
j but there was something
in the air j
j that something
wasn't quite right j
j if I sing anymore,
I might give it away j
j it was a psycho
beach party in the usa
j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;
js yeah
Ooh jt
J p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;
j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;
what can I do for you?
I want to talk to Diane.
But she don't want
to talk to you.
Yeah.
Please don't make trouble.
Diane, before you start
squawking,
let me just tell you
you're the most wonderful girl
I've ever known.
And nobody's been as sweet
to me as you.
You make me feel...
Well, you make me feel
beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
Why do always hide
behind that booth?
Let me see all of you.
Please, I'm begging you,
go away and don't ever
come back.
Oh, kiss me!
Please, for the love
of god, go away.
Not till I get my kiss!
Please don't look at me
that way!
No.
- Eddie!
- No!
Ar
You're missing the whole movie.
Believe me,
I ain't missing a thing.
No one understands bettina.
Her screen persona
is a brilliant comment
on the entire sociopolitical
structure of stardom.
Jeeper, do you get all of that
from the pizza waitress
with three heads?
Well, I guess we are the only
ones watching the movie.
These guys have only one thing
on their minds.
Want a wiener?
Oh, hey there, Lars.
Oh, I love
the smells of America...
Hot dogs, popcorn...
- Car exhaust?
- Mm.
Lars, being how
you're from Sweden,
the sex capital
of the entire world...
- Mm-hmm...
- Could you tell me
what's wrong with me?
What? There's nothing
wrong with you.
Suddenly every girl I know
is boy crazy.
Golly, if some dork
stuck his tongue down my throat,
I'd barf! Ugh! I'd belt him.
I'd kick him in the nuts.
You're just a typical
American girl.
One day soon, you'll wake up
and explode into a woman.
Well, my date will be anxious
for these buns to be hot.
Bye-bye.
Where you going, lover?
I'm going to the head
to get us a you-know-what.
I don't want my girl
spending her Christmas
in a home for unwed mamas.
- Oh, hey, there, Rhonda.
- Hi, Florence.
You got yourself a heavy date?
I'm here with berdine.
You'd think it was a crime
against the nation
to go to a drive-in
with more than
kissy-kissy stuff on your mind.
Well, you do have a quaint way
of looking at things.
Hey, is it true you're going to
Europe at the end of the summer?
No, we just have
a Swedish exchange student
staying with us.
Oh, I heard you
were going to Denmark.
Where'd you get that idea?
I heard you were going there
to have some sort
of an operation.
An operation?
Yeah, I heard you're having
your dick cut off
and turning into a girl.
That's not funny.
Kisses.
Hey, pea brain,
who's that guy in the next car?
- You know him?
- Yeah, I know him.
Calls himself starcat.
Dropped out of Northwestern,
hangs out in Malibu
with a bunch of surf bums.
Strictly a loser
from loserville.
Sergeant, this
young woman is the victim
of nuclear testing.
Her cells appear to be
in a constant state of mutation
aggravated
by intense sexual frustration.
- Can I help you?
- Well, let's see.
I'll have a frank,
and with it, golly,
I'm not sure.
What would be good?
And what can I do for you, doll?
Who do you have to fuck
to get a hot dog in this dump?
Say what?
You heard me, buster,
and I'm not paying extra
for dialogue,
so cut the chin music.
Hey.
Aah!
Ee
J psycho
===
j psycho
===
j psycho
jhahahahalt
J psycho
===
j psycho
===
j psycho
jhahahahalt
J psycho
it was horrible.
So much blood,
like something
out of dostoevsky.
What took you so long
at the snack bar?
Well, I was about to order,
when the next thing I knew
the guy at the counter
went awol for some sweater job.
Captain Monica stark,
L.A. sheriff's department.
Detective molasky.
Now, don't tell me...
Florence, berdine.
- Wow, you're good.
- It's my job.
I understand you both were
at the drive-in last night.
Oh, yeah, berdine's the gal
who found the body.
I want to know
exactly what you heard
and exactly what you saw.
Well, it's hard
because I was concentrating
on the subtext of the film.
What about you, Florence?
Well, I guess I was
coming back from the snack bar.
Did you notice anything...
Unusual, anything at all?
Well, to be honest with you,
the whole night's
something of a blur.
I bet some rat fink
spiked my orangeade.
Hello, girls.
Hi, mom.
Florence, hop in.
I thought you were gonna help
me pickle those beets.
Oh, I was just on my way.
I got to skedaddle. Toodles.
We haven't quite finished.
May I ask what's going on here?
There was a murder
at the drive-in last night,
white female, 17,
sleeping it off in the morgue.
A murder?
And you didn't tell me?
I didn't want to upset you.
What were you doing
around 9:00 P.M., Mrs. forrest?
What any woman should be doing
at that hour... needlepoint.
Yes. Uh, Florence,
if you wouldn't mind answering
a few more questions,
- I...
- I don't think so.
We have beets to pickle,
and Florence has
to practice her oboe.
She has a recital coming up.
Mrs. forrest, I...
Florence, dear, the car.
Wait... now just
one minudo, sister,
before we toss you
both in the holding tank.
Show me a subpoena, flatfoot.
Madam detective,
I will not have my daughter
interrogated
by the secret police.
As far as I know,
we are not yet a part
of the Soviet union.
Good afternoon,
Mrs. forrest, Florence.
Lars, where are you off
to with that enormous satchel,
robbing a bank?
- Laundry time.
- Leave that to me, Lars.
It's women's work.
I do not wish
to impose myself on you.
Nonsense.
It would be a pleasure.
I haven't washed
a man's personal things
since Mr. forrest passed on.
Perhaps it's time
you considered remarriage.
Oh, Lars, you're outrageous.
I lost two husbands
in the big war and one in Korea.
No, my future
lies in my widow's pensions.
I mean pension.
Now, off with you.
You'll find everything
folded on your bed.
Mrs. forrest,
as Florence would say,
you are fantabulous.
Well, they know
how to grow 'em in Sweden.
Mother, can't you just
throw that in the machine?
Oh, darling,
you know I'm a perfectionist.
Oh, just look
at these urine stains.
They may never
come out completely.
Gee, marvel Ann,
I can't believe you called.
I mean, I honestly thought
you'd written me off
as the geekiest geek
of all time.
Keep moving.
We've never been
to Malibu before.
What made you want to come here?
- I have my reasons.
- Wait a minute, guys.
I feel my nose blistering.
- I got to put some...
- If you put any of that
disgusting white gook
on your nose,
I'm sorry.
I happen to be allergic
to the sun.
It's true.
Her face turns fire-engine red
and her lips blow up.
And I get this terrible
chafing between my legs.
Spare me the details, berdine.
Oh, darn, I left my goggles
and flippers in the car.
I think you're forgetting
the reason we're here.
This... is a man hunt.
Let's set our traps.
Can't we just have
a good time by ourselves?
I mean, why do we have
to bother with them?
Don't be a dip.
You've got the sex drive
of a milk dud.
You're 16, girl.
Get with the action.
Just look at that water
overflowing with boys.
Those guys are flying
over those waves.
It's the romping,
stomping, living end!
I'm heading down to the water.
You guys stay right here
and wait for my signal.
They look like beatniks.
Should I unpack my bongos?
I intend to unpack mine.
Whoo, flip my fins, daddy-o.
You see me getting tubed
on that outsider?
I got a tube for you.
Why don't you ride this?
Get him, man.
All right, yo yo.
Yo yo!
= eae sess ep
aah!
Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
Oh, oh, this is so embarrassing,
I could die.
Could you help me tie my straps?
You know, this could be
a subconscious reflex
of an overly stimulated libido.
Say, that sounds dirty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a refugee from the psych
department at Northwestern.
Starcat's the name.
Hey, didn't I see you
at the drive-in movie theater?
Uh-huh.
I'm marvel Ann.
I'm surprised you remember me.
There was a lot
going on that night.
I mean, that girl getting
her throat slashed and all.
Well, she
wasn't the only one murdered.
You killed me with that look.
Are those your friends?
Oh, hardly.
The one with the coke bottles
on her eyes
has something
that resembles a car.
My folks took my wheels away
'cause I ran over an old lady
in a crosswalk.
Parents are such squares!
That was so nifty.
You guys were flying
over those waves like a comet.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Excuse me?
Oh, I'm Florence.
Gosh, how'd you learn
to do that?
Florence, would you mind?
Maybe we should get some lunch.
Oh, you guys were boss.
You make it look so darn easy.
Easy? It takes years
to fly on top of the soup.
You got to stay in the curl.
There's turning, stalling,
trimming, riding the nose.
Alley-oops, duck dives,
flying through a wipeout.
Knowing your way
around point breaks,
reef breaks, shore breaks.
Yeah, doing the turtle,
little nose dips.
- Switch stance and spinners.
- Wow.
I just love to watch.
Well, I want to learn.
You guys mind if I tag along
with you next time you go out?
Forget it. Girls can't surf.
The male of the species
are natural-born hunters,
and our prey
is the perfect wave.
I mean, heck, a surfboard's
even a phallic symbol.
Well, I don't know
about all that phallic stuff,
but I'm a terrific swimmer
and a quick study.
Aw, the great kanaka
would cool to sub-zero
if we let a chick tag along.
Who's the great kanaka?
Only the greatest surfer
of all time... the pope.
Well, maybe he'll teach me
how to surf.
Oh, yeah.
Kanaka's a world champion.
He's not gonna splash around
with a half-pint like you.
Well, what about you?
Are you too big a fish
to teach a girl?
Ain't he simply gorgeous?
Hold me close,
you great big hunk of he-man.
Knock it off.
Kid, listen to it
in high-fidelity
stereophonic sound...
Surfing's a man's domain.
No minnows in the shark tank.
I guess the fella's
just not interested.
Oh, no, I'm afraid of sharks.
All points bulletin
for a big strong hero!
Yeah! Cowabungal!
There is no reason in the world
I can't be one of them.
I've got to ingratiate myself,
but how?
Those guys are interested
in only two things,
and you don't have
either of them.
Ugh!
Man, there went lunch.
I was down to my last peso.
Oh, well, like, hey, you
can have the rest of my hot dog,
and here, berdine,
you don't want this coke.
Hey!
Sit down, take a load off.
Thanks for the chow.
So why do you
stay all covered up?
Are you afraid of
a little sunburn?
It's good for you.
I suffer from the heartbreak
of psoriasis.
My back is covered
with the stuff.
I'm sorry. But, uh...
That football Jersey
looks really neato.
So tell me
about the great kanaka.
Is he really nice,
a lot of laughs?
Kanaka goes to a different bop.
He's a tip-top kaleidoscope
of cool.
Does he live around here?
I mean, I can't even fathom
where someone that fantabulous
would call home except maybe,
like, the white house.
Ha ha! No, kanaka has a place
at the far end of the beach.
Hey, you wouldn't be thinking
about crashing his pad?
What are you doing
snooping around my shack?
Are you the great kanaka?
I am the man who rides the waves
from Jay-pan to the Yucatan.
I'm Florence. Oh, wow!
This is like meeting
Walt Disney or Helen Keller.
I mean, you're a living legend.
Hey, pour some water
on the carburetor.
Hey, is this thing real?
You break it, you buy it.
So what brings you
to kanaka's shack?
Please, great kanaka,
I want to learn how to surf,
and none of the other fellas'll
teach me.
I'm desperate.
Oh, yeah,
we'd make quite a pair.
Sorry, kid, go back
to mama and papa square.
Yeah, I bet if I looked
like this, you'd teach me.
Pussycat,
if you looked like that,
we'd be doing more
than chewing the fat.
Numero uno,
the water's what I crave.
More than anything,
I live for mother wave.
More than anything,
I live for father fuck.
Florence?
I'm afraid
you got the wrong girl.
Florence is not my name.
Who are you?
My name is Anne bowman.
I'm revealing my true nature.
Listen, jailbait,
if I didn't live
by my personal code of honor,
I'd take advantage
of this situation,
erotically, as it were.
I thought you were the man
with the big cigar.
What are you packing,
a tiparillo?
More than you can handle.
Now, before I get mad,
kindly vacate my pad.
Don't you turn your butt to me!
Florence.
My name isn't Florence.
My name is Anne bowman.
Anne bowman, Anne bowman,
Anne bowman!
Yeah, that's right, Anne bowman.
I frighten you, don't I?
- I ain't scared.
- You're lying.
Look at your hands.
They're shaking like jell-o.
No, they ain't.
You're scared. Say it!
You're scared!
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
Yes, ma'am?
Ah, that's better.
You're just a little slave boy,
aren't you, Sonny?
Ma'am, if you would,
I ain't feeling so good.
Listen, sly,
can the nursery rhyme.
I know what you fantasize about.
I know what you dream about,
and I'm gonna
give it to you in spades.
To start, I think
I'll walk you down to the beach
on a leash, capisce?
But what'll the rest
of the fellas think?
To hell with the rest
of the fellas!
I am the most important,
me, Anne bowman.
I will not be cast aside.
I will not be...
Told a girl can't surf.
I mean, golly,
a girl can do all sorts
of things these days,
like be... an executive
secretary.
Anne?
Anne? My name is Florence.
It's squaresville,
but what the heck?
Do you remember
what we were just talking about?
Surfing lessons.
Can we start tomorrow?
I can see I'm wearing
down your resistance.
- You can say that again.
- Yippee!
I got to get moving.
I got to round up
a surfboard, not so easy,
and then tomorrow we'll hit
the old h20o. Toodles.
Ee
What?
Look out for that outsider!
- What?
- Duck under!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
I am sort of
picking it up a little.
Oh, cool, baby, cool.
You're a demon.
- Ow!
- Anne?
Beg your pardon?
Nothing.
Kanaka, I don't mean
to be scraping your fins,
but you can't let a chick
infiltrate our stag clan, man.
That's how it starts.
Next thing you know,
you'll be eating frozen waffles
and wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, you're the emperor
of the seven seas.
This makes us all look cheap.
Hey, kanaka doesn't have
to answer to anybody.
If he wants to indulge
this pipsqueak's penis envy,
that's his business.
Yeah, so there.
Kanaka, I thought
you had some hot babe
that you were seeing.
You can't be that desperate.
Yeah, but the new chick's
as complex as a zodiac.
You can never tell
when she's coming back.
You're not even a chick.
You're a chicklet.
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, that should be
your new name.
Don't you dig it?
It'll pass.
The name's got class.
I hereby dub you chicklet.
I'll buy it, I'll buy it.
I'll be chicklet.
But does this mean
I get to be part of the gang?
There are some prize tomatoes
in that tin can.
I didn't think anybody lived
in the elkins house.
- For good reason.
- How come?
'Cause it's haunted.
Really?
Have you ever been inside?
In my time.
There are ghosts, all right.
I could feel it in my nuts.
You and your nuts.
I've had a man's hairy balls
since I was eight.
It's the source of my power.
They tell me the weather,
time of day,
if there's a pile-up
on route 66.
Did something really awful
happen in that house?
A bunch of people died there.
Some people were born to die.
Here you go.
Aw, berdine, hon, your little
friend's awfully late.
Hey, I got a roast beef au jus
with your initials on it, hmm?
Mm, no, thanks.
I'll wait a little longer.
- All right.
- Pat?
Sorry you're going bald,
but finding clumps of hair
in the chicken a la king,
frankly, grossed me out.
It's reflected in your gratuity.
Well, I never.
And my hair is not...
Hi, berdine.
Aw, you enjoy your own company,
don't you?
I'm waiting for Florence.
Oh, you two
used to be friends, right.
What do you mean, used to be?
I heard she dumped you
now that she's got
all these new friends
down at the beach.
Well, you heard wrong.
I heard she
calls herself chicklet
and that she's hanging out
with that sleazy beach crowd.
Florence is my best friend,
and she's gonna
be here any minute.
What are you doing? What...
Yo yo, give her
the Chinese tickle torture.
Ole! Ole, toro, toro!
No, anything but that!
Aah!
Hey, let's invite them
to the luau.
T.j., toss them a line.
They'll do fine.
What luau?
Just the whippin',
flippin', rippin',
biggest event
of the whole summer.
A wild night.
Know how to spell orgy?
Better than you.
Well, I want to go!
Kid, you're definitely
not the luau type.
But those two angels are.
Junior, you coming?
No, I'm gonna stick around.
There's still some great
shore breaks.
No man rejects Anne bowman.
Anne bowman invented luaus.
Anne bowman invented orgies!
Anne bowman invented revenge.
Guys, any of you know a
surefire cure for constipation?
I got it real bad.
It's wrecking
my center of gravity.
It could be psychological.
A secret or a repressed longing
can lead to anal retention.
Oh, that's silly.
My mom swears by enemas
filled with epsom salt
and beef broth.
Butt out.
Provoloney, we got to dig deep,
deep into that inner dark place
where your fear lives.
I'll take an ex-lax.
On this fine morning,
how is your flipness?
His flipness is ready
to lead his troop into the soup.
- Where's junior?
- Yeah.
Haven't seen him
since yesterday.
Wasn't he with you, chicklet?
Well, yeah,
I guess, for a while.
Kanaka, did you, um,
shave off all your chest hair?
Yeah, well, olympic swimmers
shave their body so's they can
move faster through the water.
Yeah, does your new lady
friend like it that way?
Oh, yeah, baby.
My shave got a rave.
- Wedgie attack!
- Ah!
You guys. Ha ha.
Cowabungal!
Come on, yo yo!
Yo yo, yo!
Ah...
All right, guys, come on.
That's, uh, that's enough.
Ah... uhh...
Aah! What the hell is that?
Yo, it's got psoriasis on it.
Junior.
How long's he been planted
there?
Oh, maybe six hours.
We've located the pancreas,
the intestines, and a big toe.
And this group of deadbeats?
Alibis as tight as
Sandra Dee's butt.
Except that one.
Well, here we are
at yet another murder.
I'd rather we met
for miniature golf.
He was my friend.
I understand that at the time
of the murder
you were walking
along the beach.
Run into anyone
on this relaxing stroll?
I saw her.
Chicklet,
how come you didn't tell her
I bought you a burger and fries?
The great kanaka,
leader of the pack.
Long time, no see.
Still following the sun?
Still walking the straight
and narrow-minded?
Still intend to knock down
this fire trap
you call a bachelor pad.
Come by with those handcuffs,
and we'll burn it down...
Together.
Oh!
You forget that I'm
both a cop and a lady.
Why you picking on us?
We didn't do nothing wrong.
Because I don't like you.
Don't like the way you talk.
Don't like the way you walk.
Don't like your haircut.
You kids think
you own this beach,
think it's a teenage world.
Well, you're dead wrong.
Are you gonna arrest us?
I might.
I've got methods
that can get the truth out
of the most hardened criminal.
I have a special room.
Picture it,
if you will... cold steel,
blinding lights,
formica coffee table.
Oh, I've heard enough.
Well, you'll be hearing more
from me, especially you,
Mr. kanaka.
Cookie.
Kanaka, why's she got it
in for you so bad?
I boffed her once
in west Covina.
Carving up junior
like a Thanksgiving Turkey?
How does a monster
like that sleep at night?
If you're insane, you might
not even remember you did it.
You might not remember anything.
Lars? It's 2:00 in the morning,
and you're doing laundry?
Did I make too much noise?
Oh, only to someone
with insomnia.
And why should you
have trouble sleeping?
Inner demons.
Oh, you ate too much
of your mother's beef tornadoes.
If 1 didn't stop you, you
would have taken all my meat.
Lars, haven't you heard?
One of my friends
was found murdered today,
hacked up to bits,
and it looks like I was
the last one to see him alive.
Do you have any idea who would
do such a terrible thing?
No, but then I wonder
if maybe I did see something
but I can't remember,
like a mental block.
On...
It's very sad about your friend,
but you must not
torture yourself.
You are alive.
You must go out and surf
the waves just like your friend
would have done.
As my old grandmother,
Ingrid, used to say, "Lars..."
That's what she said, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess
that does make me
feel a little better.
And the papa bear said, "who's
been sleeping in my sandbox?"
Oh, am I trespassing?
I had no idea.
Say, you look real familiar.
Oh, no, I don't.
Give us a clue.
What's your name?
I'm afraid I can't answer that.
Are you incognito?
No, I'm German-Irish.
Wait a minute.
Chicklet, move a little
to the left.
A little more.
And yo yo,
lean your head in closer.
Keep going. Yeah, that's it!
The pizza waitress
with three heads.
- Bettina Barnes?
- Shh!
No one must know
my true identity.
I ran away from the studio.
You can't imagine
what it's like being exploited
by those lousy flesh peddlers
and power brokers,
everyone wanting a little piece.
I'm not a pepperoni.
I saw that one flick,
sex kittens go to outer space?
It was a good film, then I had
to do the four sequels.
Quelle trash.
They have no respect for
the rights of the individual.
We'll respect you.
Ah, would you really?
You see, I'm hiding out here
until the studio
agrees to my terms,
both script director
and hairdo approval.
Florence, there you are!
Yesterday I waited for you
at auggie's for over two hours.
Please, my name is chicklet.
Yes, you're definitely
not Florence anymore.
Bettina Barnes!
Shh! She's in hiding.
Oh, bettina Barnes in person.
I loved you in the
tarantula queen of hoboken.
I swear, I saw sex kittens and
the killer meatballs 16 times.
Oh, did you really?
Oh, yes, miss Barnes.
You are more than
a mere sex kitten.
You are the feminine embodiment
of the nietzschean Superman,
ever striding, striking a blow
for the truth in the eternal
battle of the sexes.
That is what I have been
telling my agent for months.
What is your name?
Berdine.
Always was berdine,
always will be.
Oh. Well, you know,
I desperately need
a secretary/companion/masseuse.
How'd you like to have a job
for the summer?
I'm really honored,
but Florence and I have a
zillion things planned, and...
I'd love to be your gal Friday.
When do I start?
Pronto. Come inside.
I am gonna let you
into my private world.
We are gonna have a blast.
Chicklet!
Are you okay?
How come you helped me?
I thought you would have
let me drown.
What would you say
a crazy thing like that for?
It's common knowledge
that you hate me.
I don't hate you.
I don't hate you at all.
When you didn't come up,
I suddenly thought...
I thought,
"well, doesn't she know
she should dive
before the wipeout?
Of course I know that.
It was an accident.
But then, you never have
accidents, do you, Mr. perfect?
Don't you ever call me that.
What, Mr. perfect?
You don't know what it's
like having everybody think
you're the golden boy, perfectly
smart, perfectly athletic.
You can't imagine the pressure.
And I thought all those people
starving in India had it bad.
It's a curse,
but you're so wrapped up
trying to prove
you're one of the guys
you've never given a thought
to my personal anguish.
Well, you're not a guy,
and you never will be.
Why... why can't you be
a normal girl like marvel Ann?
Oh, I wish I could be
more like her,
so cultured, so refined.
I can just imagine
all those wonderful evenings
you've spent together
at the opera, museums,
reading the great books.
Aw, forget it!
Next time you're drowning,
you can save yourself.
And no matter how hard you
try, you will always be perfect!
Perfect, perfect, perfect!
Perfect hair, perfect teeth,
perfect eyes...
Perfectly perfect.
Miss Barnes?
Miss Barnes?
Another lousy Sci-Fi
horror flick.
Berdine, I just...
I can't identify
with the ratface girl from Mars.
Is it really that bad?
Honey, Lassie
could fart out a better script.
Miss b, I found this photograph
tucked away in a corner.
- Is this your family?
- Oh, no.
I've never seen it before.
Oh, come in, come in.
We brought you some flowers,
but I guess my body heat
sort of slaughtered them.
Oh, well,
you must have one hot body.
Hey there, berdine.
How's it going?
Hey, look,
berdine just found this photo.
I wonder who it could be.
Whoa, this here's
the flipside of cool.
The elkins family.
Say, are those the people who...
Oh, you can tell me.
I like feeling tingles.
Yeah, well, baby, this tale
even makes my massive
cojones rise.
- Oh.
- 15 years ago,
the elkins family
made this joint their digs.
Ten-year-old Larry was
the youngest of the three kids.
One hot summer night
he couldn't sleep,
so he took his mom's
sharpest carving knife
and hacked them all to death.
Oh, look at my goose bumps.
You know, they say
this house is haunted.
If you're scared,
I'd like to make a pitch
at being your bodyguard,
all night long if need be.
Oh, tres gallant.
Miss b,
I've got an even better idea.
I've a book at home
on balinese exorcism rituals.
I bet I could get rid
of those ghosts.
Oh, quelle fun. Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
We'll have
a slumber party Chez moi,
and we'll take a whack
at some of those spells.
That'll teach
those evil spirits who's boss.
Cool.
A slumber party
thrown by a movie actress?
Oh, perhaps
if it were Deborah kerr
or Audrey hepburn,
but bettina Barnes?
Out of the question.
Oh, but mother, it's not
like we're going to be
drag racing
through Griffith park.
Florence, please get the eggs
out of the frigidaire.
You're going to love
this bavarian custard pudding.
But mother...
Dear,
a slumber party is an invitation
to sexual intercourse.
Oh, I know how they paint it
in the movies...
A man and a woman locked
in embrace,
soft lighting,
a pitcher of Manhattans,
rachmaninoff playing
in the background.
Well, my girl,
that is not how it is.
You have no idea
how repugnant it can be to have
a man's sweaty thing
poking at you.
- Ow.
- You like that?
- How does that feel?
- Mother, stop,
- you're hurting me.
- Huh?
That's nothing compared to
when they poke you down there.
Get them ugly old paws off me,
bitch.
- Florence...
- Don't tell me how to handle
my man's flippety-floppety,
baby.
I grease up the cake pan,
throw it in the oven,
- and let the batter rise.
- Florence, stop it!
On!
Mother? Mother, what's wrong?
Why are you crying?
You never know, do you?
I must be the worst mother
in the entire world.
No, it's just that, well,
things are different
from when you were young,
but that doesn't mean
you're bad.
You really want to go
to that party, don't you?
I'll die if I miss it, mom.
It's the nonstop ultimate.
Well, as long
as there are no boys present,
I guess it's as you teens
would say, okel-dokel.
Oh, mother.
I feel the spirit's hot breath
on my neck.
Oh, their lips on mine,
so sweet.
Oh, a touch, fingers
lightly caressing my breast.
Oh, a tongue,
a tongue licking my...
Good gravy, I forgot the chant.
That's supposed to come first.
We were doing just swell.
On.
Okay, why don't we just
take a break,
and I'll whip up
the house special,
my world-famous jalapeo
pancakes with peach sauce, hmm?
Oh, look at me.
I am hopeless.
Oh, I'll get that.
Oh, stop. Um...
I think it's best
if we preserve the fantasy
of my on-screen image.
On.
Wait.
Meet me in the guest bathroom
in ten minutes.
Dig this.
Must be bettina's room.
It's just me, starcat.
Sorry.
I'm sure Larry elkins
is residing in a well-guarded
booby hatch somewhere.
Unless the state board of
evaluation found his treatment
and rehabilitation
to be complete.
Then he can get sprung.
As an expert,
maybe you can help me.
See, I have this girlfriend.
I'm kind of worried about her.
She has these blackouts.
What sort of blackouts?
Well, she says
when she comes to,
she doesn't really remember
anything that happened,
but she thinks when she's out,
she's really out.
I mean, like, out of her bird.
Well, what do you think?
It's not professional
to give an instant diagnosis,
but I'd say
she's probably suffering
from morbidly psychotic episodes
of schizophrenia.
I didn't know
berdine was so unstable.
Berdine? Who said anything
about berdine?
Well, you don't have
any other friends.
Twisted loner that I am?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
How's about a truce?
Okay, a truce,
and I take it back
that you're perfect.
You're deeply flawed.
In fact, from a certain angle,
I can even see a small bump
on your nose.
From one mess to another?
I think the reason
I pick on you so much
is because you're so darn perky.
You can't help it. I mean,
not all of us can be attuned
to the darker side of life.
Fuck you.
Starcat?
I'm here.
Remember me, marvel Ann?
Is... is that the lady
of my dreams?
Mm, tingles.
Imagine bettina
wearing this stuff.
Yeah, and naked underneath.
Ooh, ooh,
I could just see her pretty
titties bouncing under this one.
Let me see.
Wow, which is the top?
On.
Here, try this on.
It looks your size.
I don't know, I think
it makes my neck look thick.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, we was just,
you know, looking for stuff
for the exorcism.
Yeah, we didn't hurt anything,
honest.
Oh, of course you didn't.
Oh, those white feathers,
they just look great
against your tan.
But, you know, I don't think
this is your color at all.
Try on my black peignoir.
You know, it's a Paris original.
Oh, I, you know,
don't really want to...
Oh, there's nothing
wrong with dressing up.
That's why I'm an actress.
Some afternoon
you should come over,
and we can play beauty parlor.
Sure, yeah, but, you know,
we got to get downstairs.
You know, the guys, they're
gonna be waiting for us, so...
Oh, yeah, yeah, the guys.
But you haven't even seen
my shoes.
Berdine, have I been
acting strange lately?
Other than being
an obnoxious snob?
That bad, huh?
It's okay.
You're part
of the cool crowd now.
Being best friends and soul
mates is sort of kid stuff.
As Jean-Paul sartre would say...
No, what I meant was
do you think I'm suffering
from morbidly psychotic episodes
of schizophrenia?
Morbidly schizophrenic what?
Where'd you get that crazy idea?
It's like just now.
I was talking to starcat,
and now I'm out here with you.
Does this happen a lot?
Well...
Last time it happened
was the night junior was killed.
Kanaka, you rat fink.
Don't give me no sass.
It was a gas.
Is he dead?
That's dead.
- 1.j.!
- Nobody touch a thing.
Cookie, is there something
stuffed in his mouth?
Oh, my god.
Somebody's bumping off
all our friends.
I don't want to die.
I'm panicking.
- It's giving me agita.
- I'm experiencing
severe feelings of loss
and a profound sense of anxiety.
You guys are the absolute limit.
I suppose this is your answer
to school overcrowding,
letting us
get butchered one by one?
We were in the lanai
when we heard bettina.
I'd know that scream anywhere,
tender and vulnerable,
yet brimming
with inner strength.
Miss Barnes,
I hope my colleagues
weren't too rough on you.
No, I'm all right.
This trauma can only make me
a greater artist.
You see, to excel at drama,
one must experience tragedy
and then be able to transform
that into the raw material
of art.
Otherwise...
Keep it going, partner.
Keep up the speed.
Harder.
Pull back.
Now run the light.
- Yaaah!
- Ah!
What's wrong?
Taking a breather.
I talked to
sergeant macklehenny.
He said we could have
the wedding in his backyard,
and Steve Casey's wife
said she'd do the flowers.
You've been busy.
Well, if we want
a June wedding...
Isn't that a little soon?
What, having second thoughts?
It's just that, well,
I'm taking
the detective's exam next month.
Shouldn't you be thinking
about having babies?
A baby?
You've got to be kidding.
My career's just building.
I'm sure
you can understand that.
I guess I just like
being a cop on the beat.
Well, I want more.
I'm gonna show those bastards
who said a woman
couldn't be a detective.
And where do I fit in?
Honey, you fit just fine.
Stop it!
- I'm not your whore.
- Don't talk that way.
This isn't what I want.
None of it!
Come back.
Darling, all the success
in the world means nothing
unless you're beside me.
I need you!
Monica, you okay?
Of course I am.
Strange that the victim
had only one testicle
stuffed in his mouth.
I believe they usually
come in pairs.
Well, that's 'cause
he only had one.
I checked.
Plenty of meat,
but only one potato.
Cookie, the girl who was
murdered at the drive-in,
do you recall any distinguishing
marks or scars?
Yes, indeedy.
Victim had a harelip.
Precisely, a harelip,
a common birth defect.
The boy at the beach
suffered from
the heartbreak of psoriasis,
and this young man had one nut.
Cookie,
someone out there has a problem
with people who are different.
Look at this dull blade,
can't even slice
through a sandwich meat.
If there's one thing
I can't stand,
it's imperfection.
No room in the world for it.
It's just not the same
without t.4. And junior.
Yeah, I can still picture
old t.J. Hanging ten
off the nose of his hobie.
And all that time
he only had one nut.
Yeah.
Hey, kanaka,
think we should cancel the luau?
You know,
out of respect for the dead?
No way, man.
We got to commune
under the full moon
to celebrate our main man,
king Neptune.
Yeah, I mean, they'd want
us to have a good time.
Us? She's saying us again.
Maybe the kid should come.
Might be a good mix,
like adding coke to rum.
Oh, golly, my first luau.
I've never been to
an orgy before.
What do I wear?
I got to split.
I'm late to meet marvel Ann.
Chicklet, old buddy,
can I borrow a few bucks
to buy something sweet
to keep my girl cuddly?
Sure.
Frankly, Dr. Edwards,
in the past
I've had little use
for you head shrinkers...
Inkblot tests, I hate my mother,
and all that crap.
But with this case
I find myself at a loss.
I understand you
specialize in the treatment
of homicidal maniacs.
Yes, but I've never
been involved
in a criminal investigation.
Ha. Don't worry,
you can leave the cops
and robbers stuff to me.
What I need from you is this...
What kind of sicko
am I looking for?
The perpetrator preys
upon vulnerable unfortunates
the killer deems somehow flawed.
Give me a profile.
Let's say the assailant
is highly sophisticated
yet childlike,
vulnerable but canny,
capable of both tenderness
and extreme brutality.
The murderer
is highly intelligent
yet strangely
out of touch with reality,
sexual,
yet surprisingly innocent.
This individual
has an insatiable craving
for normalcy which will make
your investigation
- all the more difficult.
- How so?
Because the killer
will do everything in his power
to pass as normal.
He or she could be anyone.
What you doing?
For the luau, pagan god of sex.
Oh, funny coincidence... that's
what I need some advice about.
See, there's this girl I know
who's friends with this guy.
She wants to be
more than just friends.
What I need to know is if she
puts out, will he respect her?
Kid, lesson number one,
don't be sleazy.
Nobody wants
what they can get too easy.
For instance,
I got this lady friend.
I haven't seen her in a while.
And that makes you really
miss her, huh?
Uh-huh.
Don't even know
how to reach her.
Her name's Anne bowman.
Ring a bell?
Nope. Does she live around here?
Real close.
It's still a mystery to me
just what turns her on.
Is something wrong
with your back?
Oh, man,
I must be out of my gourd.
Kid, before I get myself
in a jam, you better scram.
Yeah, my mom would be frosted
if she knew I was alone
with a man in his house.
I mean, I don't know why.
It's not like you find
me even remotely sexy.
I mean, you probably...
Anne? Are you back?
With a vengeance.
God, I didn't think
the little twerp
would ever let me in.
It's the circles, isn't it?
You're a regular Einstein.
Mistress Anne,
I've been a bad boy.
And bad boys get spanked.
Bad boys get tortured.
Cowabungal!
Boy, what you doing
dressed up like a ho?
- You out your mind?
- Anne?
Anne? Who you be calling Anne?
My name is tylene,
tylene Carmichael carmel.
I work the checkout
at the safeway.
Look, it's going on 4:30, right,
and my supervisor, miss...
Bring Anne back!
Look what I've got for you!
Back up! I got me a blade.
I'll cut you. I will cut you.
Forget the paddle, bad idea.
Don't mess with me, boy.
Don't even
try to escape my power.
The world
has conspired to suppress me,
but I've risen like a Phoenix
to claim my birthright.
Anne bowman, dominatrix,
empress of the planet earth.
Catchy, isn't it?
You know, I think
I've gotten in over my head.
Oh, miss b,
auggie's does deliver.
Berdine, how can I
express universal emotions
if I don't observe
how real people live?
Oh, how terribly human.
Now, we mustn't draw
attention to ourselves.
We're here to observe.
Look over there, a brave soul.
Yeah, she's pretty brave,
all right.
- Hello, berdine.
- Hello, Rhonda.
Not alone for a change.
You gonna introduce me
to your new friends?
This is yo yo and provoloney.
Hmm, intellectual types.
And this is my cousin,
frieda diefendorfer
from altoona.
You're not from altoona.
You're bettina Barnes.
Well, you're very sweet
and very pretty.
So that is your real voice.
I thought maybe they messed
with it to make it sound funny.
Oh, well,
would you care to join us?
No, I've got to get going home.
I've got friends
coming for dinner.
Berdine, you're not invited.
Miss Barnes, I'm a real fan.
You know, for crummy movies,
the camera
work must be pretty good.
Can't even see
those itty-bitty lines.
Anyway, it's been a thrill.
Kisses.
That wheelchair
needs an ejector seat.
So what can I do you for?
I think we need
a few more minutes.
Hey, hon, has anyone
ever told you you're a ringer
for that gal that makes
all those stinky horror movies?
I need air.
Oxygen, I'm suffocating.
I have to go outside.
- I'll go with you.
- No.
I must be alone.
Don't worry,
just order me a Reuben,
fries, and a cherry coke.
What are you looking at,
asshole?
What are you doing?
I don't... 1 don't need
your stinking help, okay?
Where the hell
are you taking me?
There's your tuna melt
and your bit,
and you got the prunes.
Those oughta loosen you up.
Ain't your friend coming back?
Oh, I hope so.
Oh, my lord.
Berdine, darling.
- It's been ages.
- Chicklet?
Where'd you find that get-up?
Oh, this?
A gift from an admirer.
I am panting for a cocktail.
A highball, baby,
hold the fruit.
You're not even old enough
to be smoking.
Peasant, be gone.
You're annoying me.
You're on a wild groove.
Love your eye makeup,
very Cleopatra.
Well, I... 1-
what's this all over my fingers?
- What's this?
- I think it's fabulous.
- Are you okay?
- Berdine, it happened again.
What happened?
I was in kanaka's shack.
Oh, god, what's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.
She's just putting you guys on.
Ever since we were kids
she's been doing funny voices.
Both: Oh.
Clear a path, police.
All of yas, evaporate.
The crippled girl.
Fits the pattern.
Miss Barnes, why am I feeling
a sense of dja vu?
I have a breath mint
in my purse, sweetie.
Will that help?
A strange coincidence
that all of your recent
personal appearances
have been at crime scenes.
Say, is that a crack?
Fellas, do, please, sit down.
I want to talk to you
about the murders
that have been taking place.
I'm concerned
that one of you could be
- the killer's next target.
- Why us?
Well, so far
the killer's gone after
a girl with a harelip,
a young lady in a wheelchair,
a boy with psoriasis,
and another with one testicle.
Is there anything about you
that the killer could possibly
perceive as freakish?
Come now, fess up.
Everyone has something
they'd rather hide.
Since he won't say anything,
I guess I'll tell you.
Provoloney's
so constipated he's in
Ripley's believe it or not
for going 67 days
without taking a dump.
You want to see a freak?
Starcat, show her your big toe.
The nall fell off.
It makes you want to puke.
You guys think
this is real funny.
Wheelchairs and harelips
and stuff,
kind of makes
you want to crack up.
Oh, you kids.
I just hope someday
decent people no longer
find this sort of sick humor
a source of comedy.
Yo yo, a penny
for your thoughts.
There's nothing wrong with me.
This is for your own protection.
Do you feel different
in any way?
[, uh...
Maybe a little.
What are you talking about?
You're 100% normal.
I am, but...
Sometimes I feel like
there's something in me
that's kind of...
The way I feel towards...
I mean, provoloney and me...
I can't believe this. Forget it.
You know, I hope the killer
knocks us all off.
Provoloney!
What exactly did I sound like?
Like an old lady,
like you were 30.
"Berdine, darling."
Oh, you won't tell anyone
I'm a nut job, will you?
Oh, of course not.
Chicklet forrest,
you are my best friend.
I'd keep your secret forever.
- You'd do that for me?
- I'd take a bullet.
It makes me feel like the way
things used to be
when it was just the two of us.
Hello, girls.
Florence, may I
ask of you a favor?
I wish to wear these trousers
to the luau Saturday night,
but the button fell off.
I'm not good with the needles.
Each time I put my hand
in the pants, I feel a prick.
Sure thing, Lars.
Thank you.
Oh, the luau.
I can't wait
to hear all about it.
Oh, I'm not going.
But you've got to go.
You have been canvassing
for that invitation all summer.
What if I blow a fuse
and I short out the whole party?
What goes on when I black out?
Golly, could I be the nutter
who's been butchering
all these people?
I'll never get
into a good school.
You've got to finish college.
It's a terrible tragedy seeing
all of your wonderful
moneymaking
- potential going to waste.
- That's parent stuff.
Kanaka says I've got the
potential to be a great surfer.
Where you going?
I am mapping out my future,
and you're not in it.
And here, you can take back
your tacky old ten-cent pin.
- Let me help you with that.
- Get your hands off of me!
No, but I think I can get it.
Marvel Ann, I am so sorry.
You did that on purpose.
You are a selfish,
disgusting, perverted weirdo,
and my advice to you
is to straighten up,
buckle down, and apply yourself
like any decent presbyterian.
Girl trouble?
It's a lot more than that.
See, I'm an extremely
complex person
with deep-rooted neuroses
and anxieties.
Why am I telling you this?
You're just a kid.
I'm not just a kid.
I'm... how did kanaka put it?
A luscious voluptuary.
He never said that, liar.
He taught me how to surf,
didn't he?
And he always wants
to see me alone.
As a matter of fact,
I'm headed over to his shack
later today for an extremely
intimate tete-a-tete.
You're just trying
to make me jealous.
Ha. If we were at war
with the Soviet union,
I wouldn't even let you
into my bomb shelter.
Hey, hold on.
Didn't we call a truce?
You know, you could make
a tasty morsel to some wolf.
Starcat...
What do you do with marvel Ann?
I mean when you're alone.
It's kind of
embarrassing, chicklet.
Tell me. I mean, I need
to learn about this stuff.
Well, she nestles
real close to me.
Kind of like this?
Yeah, sort of like that.
And I hold her in my arms.
Kind of like this?
Then what do you do?
I kiss the back of her neck.
You know, in the movies,
sometimes they
lie down together,
like over by these rocks.
- I can't do this with you.
- Oh, come on.
Pretend I'm marvel Ann.
I mean, I don't want guys
to think I'm frigid.
I stroke her arm,
and she kisses my chest.
Then you take
your clothes off, right?
Uh-huh.
I caress her smooth,
satiny flesh.
It glows in the sunset.
She gently touches my muscles
with her fingertips.
She sinks to her knees
with a look of loving rapture.
My erect penis grazes her cheek.
She slides it in her mouth,
cupping my balls with one hand
and playing with my anus
with her finger.
Oh, god!
Chicklet! Chicklet, come back!
- Kanaka.
- Hold on, doctor.
I don't dig surprise visits.
I wanted to get here
before chicklet.
What's it to you?
She's not your chick.
She shouldn't be yours either.
She's only a kid.
That's all you know.
If you've laid a finger on her...
Hey, cool out.
I've never even touched her,
but let me tell you,
she is off the wall.
There is more to that chicklet
than meets the old eyeball.
There's, like,
two chicklets in one.
What are you talking about?
I know it's odd,
but she's like twins in one bod.
Are you saying
she has a split personality?
Split, one's an angel,
the other's a she-devil.
Calls herself Anne bowman,
and the screwy thing is
I can switch her off and on
like a flashlight.
So do you think this
Anne bowman could be violent?
You tell me.
I hope you put some bactine
on that scratch.
Kanaka, I hate to say this,
but I think our little chicklet
may be the butcher
of Malibu beach.
Chicklet, hi. Um...
We were just talking about you.
Checking up on me, huh?
Well, if it isn't
the Malibu branch of the CIA.
Chicklet,
I'm fixing up the place.
What do you think of my
new curtains, lots of circles?
I know how you dig
the crazy circles.
Starcat, this is the friend
I wanted you to meet.
You lousy son of a...
Oh, listen, guys, really...
Aw, now you've done it, man.
I've done it?
- Oh, what happened?
- Dear god!
Who the hell are you?
Mother, what are you doing here?
Your oboe recital was at 4:00.
Do you even care?
To track you down,
I've had to consort with
the lowest form of beach scum
only to find you here like this.
Uh, miss forrest,
you don't understand.
Indeed I do.
I believe this is what you
young people call a gangbang.
Mother, kanaka and starcat
are my friends.
Florence, dear,
please wait in the car.
- But mother...
- End of discussion.
Just get in the car.
I'll have you know
I fully intend to press charges.
You two had better find
a good lawyer because I'm going
to tear your peckers off
in that courtroom.
- Captain?
- Yes, cookie?
I just checked the plates
on that dodge.
It's registered
under the name Thor frestur,
mar vista, California.
Sounds phony, like an anagram.
Thor frestur.
Put the r before the s,
t in back of the e,
and you get Rose h. Toruf.
Hmm. Take the h,
move it back to the fourth spot,
the o to the last syllable,
Seth r. Roufort.
No, that's not it.
Put the r
back in the first slot,
the f at the top
of the last name,
and what have you got?
Mrs. Ruth forrest.
Good evening, Mrs. forrest.
Lars, look at you.
I'm on my way to the luau.
I wanted to ask you, my car
is still in the shop.
Might [...
Take the dodge any time.
I never use it.
Shall I wait
and give Florence a ride?
I have forbidden
her from attending.
I had no idea she'd been
palling around with
that disgusting beach trash.
Garbage like that oughta
be incinerated.
Oh, Lars, be a lamb?
Screw that light bulb
in overhead.
It's been flickering all night
and driving me batty.
But of course, Mrs. forrest.
Don't you think it's time
you called me ruthie?
On.
Climb up on that stool.
It should hold your weight.
You keep yourself so trim.
I owe you a cocktail
for this good turn.
Oh, I don't like
the hard liquor.
One little nip
ain't gonna kill ya.
Oh, damn it to hell.
Better soak this immediately.
Stool's a little wobbly.
Wouldn't want you to fall.
I think perhaps you require
the services of an electrician.
Baby, just screw
the goddamn bulb in the socket.
Mrs. forrest,
I've never seen you like this.
This is not you.
No, this is not you at all.
How the heck
did you get up here?
The wonders of literature.
To Everest and beyond:
Mountain climbing made easy.
We are going to that luau.
Marvel Ann.
I knew you'd come crawling back.
I'm looking for chicklet.
Have you seen her?
Yeah, she's in the bottom
of this glass.
- Bettina?
- Hmm?
Have you seen chicklet?
Oh, no, come to think of it,
I haven't seen her.
Oh, but starcat,
I want you to meet
my new friend.
This is Joey. He's deaf.
Oh, and look, he has 11 fingers.
Isn't that cute?
Poor sucker.
Doesn't stand a chance in hell.
J the tallest waves j
j into outer space ~
nothing's copacetic.
The poi's overcooked,
I see no lychee nuts.
I ordered lychee nuts,
and the pineapple's gone bad.
You can't make a pu pu platter
without pineapple.
Pull yourself together,
provoloney.
You're at the breaking point.
I can't take the pressure.
Oh, shit.
My insides are finally moving.
I really got to go.
Do what you got to do, man,
and don't forget:
When you get back,
I'll be waiting for you.
Yo yo, you're the greatest.
Chicklet, wow.
You look so...
Glamorous?
Sophisticated?
- Scrumptious?
- Yeah.
Look, I don't know
how to say this,
but you shouldn't be here.
- Oh, I get the picture.
- You do?
Now that marvel Ann's here,
I'm back to being
Lassie to your Timmy.
Now, get this.
I'm gonna be the life
of this luau,
and if anyone tries to stop me,
I'll...
I'l kill them.
Selacs a
- hello.
- Hello.
Kanaka, what gives?
You know those characters?
I've had the displeasure.
Wedge Riley's
out of the big house,
and the coroner's hurting
for slabs.
I wonder if the two
could be related.
Looks like they
want to start something.
This started a long time ago.
Wedge Riley.
So what brings you
to our nocturnal celebration?
Just a friendly visit.
No need for confrontation.
Wedge, old man,
I appreciate the wit,
but from trash like you
I take no shit.
Cool, daddy-o, cool.
Over this domain you rule,
but let me give you
some good advice:
To honor king Neptune
you need a virgin sacrifice.
Virgin sacrifice?
What the hell's that?
An ancient ritual
started in del mar in '62.
Forget it, wedge.
Well, what happens
to the virgin sacrifice?
I mean, what do you do to her?
You shouldn't even be here.
There you go, treating me
like a pipsqueak again.
We were gonna do the ritual,
but it turns
out we don't got no virgins.
Well, I'll do it.
I mean, I'm your man...
I mean, your virgin.
Ooh, yeah,
fresh as a salad
out of the fridge.
You'll do nicely.
- I won't let you.
- Please, chicklet, don't.
It's an existential fate
worse than death.
You gonna let your pals spoil
a night you'll never forget?
Let the ritual begin.
I do have a few conditions,
though.
I mean, first of all,
no blindfolds.
What's going on back there?
Hey, is that chicklet?
She's got more garnish on her
than my grandma's antipasto.
Oh, at least she has clothes on.
That's more
than I got back in altoona.
King Neptune, to you
we offer the ring of fate.
In other words,
scumbags, form a circle!
No circles. That... that...
That's not the way
we do things around here.
Dance, fools, dance.
That ain't the way
a virgin should act.
Kiss my ass, flunky.
I'm calling the shots now.
Put me down
from this thing, now!
Where's my whip?
Who's got my goddamn whip?
Now chicklet's gonna
do some impressions.
- Do your zsa-zsa.
- I warned you not to touch me.
- That's one flaked-out chick.
- I'm not mere chick.
I'm a goddess,
and the first thing I'm gonna
sacrifice are your balls, Sonny.
There! Officers,
those men seduced my daughter.
Your daughter is mentally ill.
She's not sick. She's not sick!
It's true!
I'm hardly the lunatic
you're painting me to be.
I'm utterly in control.
You're merely a delusion
of chicklet forrest
that enables her to express
anger and rage.
Fancy phrases and a big basket.
I'm gonna place
you under hypnosis,
and we're gonna get
to the root of the trauma,
the guilt complex that
fragmented
chicklet's personality.
I can't allow this.
He doesn't even know
what he's doing.
He's had three semesters
of psych at Northwestern.
It's either that
or an ice pick lobotomy.
Starcat, proceed.
You're feeling tired, drowsy.
You can't keep your eyes open.
Oh, someone stop this madness.
Oh, shut your hole.
Go on, darling doctor starcat.
I want to talk to chicklet.
It's hard.
I feel so far away.
I can't... travel
down the Hollywood freeway.
Be prepared for stop-and-go-
What's going on?
It's a bad connection.
Help me.
- Chicklet, is that you?
- Uh-huh.
- How old are you?
- 71/2.
- I don't like this place.
- Where are you?
The hotel.
Oh, well, look who's here.
We've got visitors.
Curtsy, Florence,
like I taught you.
Mama, we're ready
to go to the movies.
Oh, darlings, I'm so sorry.
We're gonna
have to skip the picture.
But you promised.
Well, mother's got
to do her part
for the boys
serving our country.
Why don't you and Frankie
go sit in the living room
and listen to the radio?
Sugar,
I don't even know your name.
Oh, pleased to meet you, Johnny.
I'm Anne, Anne bowman.
I was so angry.
I wanted to hurt her.
I took Frankie to the playground
across the street.
Please don't make me go on.
You got to. What happened next?
He kept asking me
to push him harder and harder
until he was soaring
into the clouds.
Then he said,
"make me go round the world."
Aah!
No!
I did it, I did it,
I killed him!
It was my fault.
When Florence lost her memory
I took it as
a blessing from god.
I vowed to create
a better life for us.
I changed my name,
I moved to a new city.
- Oh, mother, hold me.
- Darling.
That's the most exciting
story idea I've heard in years.
This is the project
that could showcase my talent
as a great dramatic actress.
Story?
A surfer chick
with a split personality.
Oh, I can see a hit
Broadway play,
and we'll sort out
the movie rights.
Honey, I want to option
this property, and believe me,
I'll pay top dollar.
Bettina, do you think
you're ready to tackle
- such a complex role?
- I don't think, I feel.
I know this girl.
I am chicklet.
I hate to miss
your opening night,
but I'll be in a loony bin
for the criminally cuckoo.
- Oh, no.
- Not so fast, chicklet.
I wouldn't model
that straightjacket just yet.
Someone so tormented
for being an outsider
that she's compelled to destroy
others who don't fit in.
Mrs. forrest,
you're under arrest.
Oh, no! It can't be!
What are you doing?
This is a dreadful mistake.
Come on, sister,
you're going places.
Get your hands off me.
I'm innocent, I tell you!
I'm innocent!
All right,
cut her off at the pits.
Let me go.
No, I'm not moving.
Just try and make me, pig-woman!
Lady, you are
getting me steamed!
Oh, please don't hurt her!
You'll never get away with this,
motherfucking cocksuckers!
My mother, a murderess?
What next?
Oh, berdine, did I hurt you?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I thought by
making excuses for you
I was being a best friend.
I should have gotten you help.
I stink rotten eggs.
We've got to get
both of you home.
Actually...
I think I'd like
to stay a little longer.
I can take Florence home.
Oh, Lars,
you sure picked one heck
of an American family
to shack up with.
I'm not worried.
How can I ever thank you?
Well, you just being chicklet
again's all the thanks I need,
and believe me, one's enough.
Shall we go?
Florence,
this must be the worst thing
that's ever happened to you.
It's definitely up there
in the top ten.
Your mother
couldn't help herself.
In her own way,
she believed she was saving
those poor, sick people.
If you don't mind,
I'm not really in the mood
for conversation right now.
I understand completely.
Still, I was surprised
to learn of your deep
psychological problems.
I always thought of you
as a well-adjusted typical
American girl.
Almost boring, really.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
There is so much ugliness
in the world.
Can't there be anyone
who is utterly perfect?
Gee, all those revelations
today have made me famished.
How's about stopping over there
for a quick bite?
I think not.
Psychologically
it just doesn't jive.
- It can't be Mrs. forrest.
- Hmm. Poor chicklet.
Well, at least she's not alone.
It's a good thing
she has Lars with her, huh?
Yeah, Lars.
Bettina, do you still have
that photo of the elkins family?
Well, you mean the ones
who were murdered?
I put it in the credenza.
Starcat, what are you doing?
Why are you
running away from me?
I only want to help you!
Could you pass the mustard?
Lars, what happened
to your accent?
I don't need it.
I can finally be myself.
- Call me Larry.
- As in elkins?
Pleased to meet you.
Unfortunately,
this is also good-bye.
- You best be backing off.
- Huh?
You a nut. Give me that knife.
I'm axing you nicely,
give me that thang.
Oh, I'll give you the knife.
You going, down, fuckface.
Criminy.
There's the dodge.
They must be in the drive-in.
How could you do
that to your own family?
You're just like all the others.
- No one understands.
- Try me.
I can be very perceptive.
You can't possibly imagine
what it's like to grow up
in a house of freaks.
My mother was blind,
my father was deaf,
and my sisters were midgets.
They had to die
so I could be free.
So why kill me?
I'm your pal. I'm the one
who fixed your pants.
And now I'm gonna fix you.
Look, up there!
Alone at last.
Larry, please, don't.
I've got you now,
just the way I want you.
You pathetic little worm.
- No man conquers Anne bowman.
- What?
You're weak. You disgust me.
You like being humiliated,
don't you?
Help me. Chicklet!
Starcat?
The bitch is gone,
and now so are you.
Put down the knife.
Make me.
Poor Larry.
That's the end of that.
The circle goes round,
but I'm still me.
You're cured.
I remember that grip.
- Feels good?
- Mmm, it feels real good.
Want to wrestle?
For the championship.
Let's get out of here.
Boy, there sure are a lot
of twisted souls out there.
Maybe I should become
a psychiatrist.
You'd be tops.
I'm proof of that.
I'd have to go back to school.
Leave everything behind.
Not everything.
Chicklet, I was wondering,
will I ever?
Florence?
Florence? Florence, wake up.
Wake up.
You got to get up.
I must have been dreaming.
It's time for your treatment.
Ready?
You were in my dream.
- And you were there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bite.
- And you.
We dream many foolish things
when we're ill.
Kisses.
So it was all her dream?
What a gyp.
Well, it's based
on a true story.
I'm just glad that
creepy Anne bowman
is locked up for good.
Don't be so sure, darlings.
J p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j there was a crazy
beach party that was underway j
j with lots of rocking
teenagers from the usa 2
j they planed to romp
and stomp till broad daylight
j but there was something
in the air j
j that something
wasn't quite right j
j if I sing anymore,
I might give it away j
j it was a psycho
beach party in the usa
j p-s-y-c-h-o0, psycho j
j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;
js yeah
Ooh jt
J p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;
j p-s-y-c-h-o, psycho j;