Punch-Drunk Love (2002) Movie Script

- Yes, I'm still on hold.
- And what was this?
I'm looking at your advertisement
for the airline giveaway.
Our frequent flyer plan.
It's hard to understand
because it says, "In addition to"...
...but I can't understand in addition
to what? There's nothing to add it to.
I think that's a typo, then.
Okay, so just to clarify, I'm sorry...
...10 purchases of Healthy Choice
products equals 500 miles.
And with the coupon, the same
purchases value 1000 miles?
That's it.
Do you realize that
the monetary value of this prize...
...is potentially worth more
than the purchases?
I don't know.
Could I call you back? Could I ask
you your extension and name?
It's extension 215,
and the name is Carter.
Carter. Thank you very much, Carter.
- All right.
- Bye-bye.
- I'm not sure what that means.
- If they break, is it plastic?
It's plastic, yeah.
But that kind of breakage shouldn't be
a problem in the shipping room.
I'm gonna run the numbers.
I'll give you a call.
- You have my home phone number?
- What's that for?
If you wanted to call me.
I'm fine.
I have your work number.
Because of the time difference,
if you needed to reach me earlier--
No, it's fine. I can just
get you at your office.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Bye-bye.
- Hi. Do you work at the mechanic?
- No.
- They're not open yet.
- They don't get open until 8:00.
Is it okay if I leave
my car, you think?
I don't know. I don't know.
I thought they opened at 7.
If I left my car, would it be okay?
See, I don't know how they do it.
- Do you know them?
- Not very well.
Could I trust to leave
my key with you...
...so when they get here,
you could give it to them?
Okay, sure.
- You think it's okay where I've left it?
- It'll be fine. I can watch it.
- Thanks a lot.
- I'll keep an eye on it.
- There's a piano in the street.
- Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you later.
Thank you for your help.
Thank you.
- Maybe I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Morning, Barry.
- You okay?
- Yes.
- Why are you wearing a suit?
- I bought one.
I thought it'd be nice to get dressed
for work, and I'm not sure why.
- May I please show you something?
- Sure.
What's this?
I believe this is a small piano.
It's not a piano.
I got a piano at home.
Where did you get it?
It was dropped in the street.
Why is it here?
Morning, Barry.
I don't know.
Great product.
I have to make sure I don't end
up with extra inventory.
Can you guarantee all your sales?
We back our fungers 100%. We ask
for a 30-60 day display on the floor.
Barry, your sister's on line one.
Barry, your sister's on line one.
I don't think they'll be out
that long. I guarantee that.
Let me just get this, this is my sister.
It's not a problem.
- This is Barry.
- It's Rhonda.
- Are you going to this party tonight?
- Yes, I am.
- All right, fine. Bye.
- Bye-bye. I'll see you tonight.
Sorry about that.
We've received a large order from the
Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
We will be supplying their bathrooms
with the dice and money funger.
So these babies are really flying.
Barry, your sister's on line two.
Barry, your sister's on line two.
With the aquablast, little zippers,
whales and speedboats...
...we ask the display be at eye level.
- Barry.
- Let me just get that.
You know, you can also
color-coordinate these fungers.
- This is Barry.
- What are you doing?
I have customers. I can't chat now.
Chat? Did you just say "chat"?
- Yeah, I can't talk--
- You just fucking said "chat."
What are you now? Chat.
I'm calling to make sure you
show up at this party.
- I'll be there.
- Okay, fine.
Then go back to chatting with your
customers, you phony, chatty shit.
All right, thank you.
Sorry about that.
- I didn't know you had a sister.
- I do.
I wanted to tell you
about the new fungers.
We've been working on this, and we
have a nonbreakable handle, finally.
Let me demonstrate for you.
Okay, this was one of the old ones.
Do we have a new one around, Lance?
Sorry about that.
That's a little embarrassing.
Barry, your sister's on line four.
- So how many sisters do you have?
- I have seven.
They're calling me because
they're having a party tonight.
I'll be two more minutes, okay?
- This is Barry.
- What are you doing?
Kathleen. I'm working.
- You going to the party?
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- I'm working.
Yeah, but what are you doing?
I'm talking on the phone, standing.
- What time you gonna be there?
- 7.
- You can't be late. I'm serious.
- I won't.
You can't not show up like you do.
You have to go. Seriously.
- You can't just stay in your house.
- All right.
- I'll see you there? Don't puss out.
- See you there. Okay.
Is her car going to be okay?
- It's fine.
- Thanks.
Barry, it's your sister.
- Hi. How are you?
- Hey, Elizabeth.
- How's it going?
- Great.
- Stopped by to say hello.
- Terrific.
- So you're going tonight?
- Yes.
- Cool.
- You're going?
Yes. I came by to talk to you
about something in particular.
There's this friend of mine who's
really cute, and I want you to meet her.
I was thinking about bringing
her tonight. What do you think?
Yeah, I don't wanna do that.
- Why?
- I just don't do stuff like that.
Well, you don't really do anything.
Everybody would be looking at me.
What's wrong with looking?
It's a free country.
I just feel like I'd be a little tense,
and I don't think I'd act like myself.
Well, that's kind of your fault.
There's an outside chance
I'm not even coming tonight.
Really? Didn't you tell everybody
you were coming?
I have to renew
my gym membership.
Right. God, well, that
solves everything, actually.
If you're not coming, then I can
bring her. It's not a big deal.
Well, it'll be fine. Great.
- Please don't--
- I'm just trying to be your friend.
I hope you can make it.
Remember when Barry
used to get all mad?
Because Rhonda used
to call him "Gay Boy" all the time.
- That's right.
- Remember the sliding glass door?
He threw that hammer
through the door.
He got glass in his foot.
Mom took him to the hospital.
He came home and locked himself
in the bathroom with the hammer.
- Hey, there he is.
- Hi.
We were talking about you. Remember
when we used to call you Gay Boy?
- What?
- We called you Gay Boy.
We'd call you Gay Boy,
and you'd just freak out.
You got so mad, you threw
the hammer through the glass door.
- You remember.
- I don't.
Yes, you do. We were calling you
Gay Boy, and you got mad.
Are you gay now?
I don't know.
We were trying to figure out
why you had a hammer.
- Why are you wearing that suit?
- I don't know.
- I like his suit.
- Thank you.
- Are you using that dandruff shampoo?
- Yes.
- You are?
- Barry?
- Why did you have the hammer?
- Why did I have the hammer?
- He was building a doghouse.
- Okay, Rhonda.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks for coming.
- A cake. We have a cake.
- You got a cake.
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Glad you could make it.
- Mr. Chatty. Hi, Mr. Chatty.
- You have rice in your hair.
Say hello to your
- Hey, Barry, how you doing?
- How you doing, pal?
- Good to see you.
- Saw your car. Snazzy.
- Hey, Barry, how you doing?
- I'm sorry!
- How you doing?
- How is it going?
How's work?
- Business is very food, thank you.
- What's very food?
- What's that?
- You just said "very food."
I'm sorry, I meant to say
"very good."
Maybe you said "food"
because you're hungry.
- You know, you want to eat.
- That makes sense.
Is your friend here?
No. You're off the hook.
She couldn't make it.
Thank you.
- You nervous?
- No.
- You look nervous.
- I feel very happy.
Good. Did you get
your gym membership?
I had a girl I was gonna bring
for Barry. He wouldn't let me do it.
I had this girl to bring for him.
She's awesome. We work together.
- He said he couldn't be himself.
- Gay Boy, it's time to eat.
- Who's he going to be?
- I don't know.
He's worried we'll give him
a bunch of shit.
He said he wouldn't come
if I brought her.
He's an asshole.
Why do you listen to him?
I don't know. I was gonna bring her.
It would've been totally casual.
Look at him.
- What the fuck is your problem?
- You fucking retard, Barry!
I'm sorry about that.
Sorry about what I did.
It's all right.
I wanted to ask you something
because you're a doctor, right?
I don't like myself sometimes.
Can you help me?
Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind
of help do you think I can give you?
I know. Maybe you know
other doctors?
Like a psychiatrist?
I just don't have anybody else
I can talk to about things...
...and I understand
it's confidential with a doctor.
And I just-- I don't want
my sisters to know, okay?
Because I'm embarrassed about this.
If it's about getting you
a phone number for a psychiatrist...
...I can do that. It's not a problem.
But what exactly is wrong?
I don't know
if there is anything wrong...
...because I don't
know how other people are.
I sometimes cry a lot...
...for no reason.
I'm sorry.
What am I looking for?
What am I looking for?
Tell me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.
I see you, Richard Seelan, yes.
All right, Mr. Seelan.
Hi, this is Janice. Who's this?
Hi. How you doing?
- Hi. Is this your first time calling?
- Yes, it is.
Can I have your credit card number
and expiration date?
Sure. How much is this, anyways?
It's $2.99 per minute for the first
half-hour, $1.99 per minute after that.
- Okay, and it's confidential?
- What do you mean?
The information I give you
is private, confidential?
Of course, yeah.
Would you like to talk to a girl?
I can connect you with a girl if I can
have your credit card number...
...followed by the expiration date.
Sure. 5-1-0-2...
Expiration, 05-04.
Your billing address
and the name on the card.
Sherman Oaks, California...
...Apartment 4. 91403, ZIP code.
- And your name?
- Barry Egan.
And your social security number.
What for?
It's just for verification through
the credit card company.
And this is confidential?
It's to verify your credit information.
It's confidential.
It appears on your credit card
as D&D Mattress Man.
Very good.
- I'm sorry, 9-1-7...
- It's okay.
- Okay, so hang on, Barry, all right?
- Thank you very much.
We're all set.
Can I have the number
where we can call you back?
Could you possibly just connect me
to one of the girls?
Well, it's a callback service.
A girl will call you back.
I just was calling to speak
with one of the girls.
I thought that's how it worked.
I'm 8-1-8...
What kind of a girl
would you like to talk to?
I don't want anybody to know it's me.
I don't want them to know my name.
- Nobody will know your name.
- Tell them my name's Jack.
- You want her to call you Jack?
- I don't want her to know it's me.
- Okay, Jack.
- Thank you. I'm sorry.
- No problem. We'll call you right back.
- Terrific.
Hello, this is Back.
I'm calling for Jack.
- How you doing?
- Hi. How are you doing?
- This is Jack.
- This is Georgia.
- Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing. What are you doing?
I am laying on my bed.
- Where are you?
- I'm in my bedroom.
- No, I mean what state, what city?
- I'm in California.
- Me too. I'm in California.
- I know you are. I'm in Los Angeles.
I'm in Los Angeles too.
Well, maybe we should hook up
sometime. What do you think?
- Are you watching a porno movie?
- No, I'm not, Georgia.
- Do you like porno movies?
- Sure.
So Jack, are you stroking it?
- What are you doing, then?
- I'm talking to you.
With your pants off?
No, my pants are on.
I'm only wearing a T-shirt
and panties.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
And I'm looking at my shaved pussy
in the mirror.
- Want to know what I look like?
- Doesn't matter.
What do you mean,
it doesn't matter?
I have no way of finding out,
so it doesn't matter.
I'm not lying to you, Jack.
I'm about 5 foot 8, 34-28-34.
- My friends say I'm gorgeous.
- Really?
- Yeah, really. What about you?
- That doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
- You're married, aren't you?
- No.
- No? You have a girlfriend?
- Yes.
- Where is she?
- She went out of town.
Good, I like that.
- I'm so horny, Jack. What about you?
- Sure.
- Do you like peaches, Jack?
- They're okay.
Well, you'll like them even better
because I'm a Georgia peach.
- Are you jacking off yet, Jack?
- No, I'm not.
Well, do you ever?
Sometimes, yeah, when I'm lonely.
You don't have to be lonely,
because you got me now.
You sound very nice
and very personable.
Personable. Thank you, baby.
So, what do you do, Barry?
I work. I have my own business.
I work hard at doing my business.
- Are you good at your business?
- Yes.
Yeah? So do you do really well?
Do you make tons of money?
I'm doing pretty good,
I think, as a start.
I wish I was making more, doing better,
but I can't get over a certain hump.
I will. I'll crack something very soon,
I think, and really do better.
I'd like to diversify,
but I'm doing great, I think, as a start.
Are you stroking it yet, baby?
- No, I'm not.
- Is your cock hard?
I don't know what
it's doing right now.
Why don't you take
your clothes off, Jack.
And I want to picture you laying
down with me next to you...
...and I want you to stroke
your cock, okay?
I'm so horny, Barry. I want you.
- This is Barry.
- What are you doing? How are you?
- I'm fine. Nothing. How are you?
- It's me. It's Georgia.
- How's it going?
- It's okay that I'm calling, right?
I just wanted to call
and thank you for last night...
...and just catch you before you
went to work and say hey.
Well, thank you.
I am so tired. I went to bed
so late last night.
- When did you go to sleep?
- Not very late.
- Well, you going to work now?
- Yes.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
Remember last night I was telling
you about my apartment and my rent?
This is so weird and really
embarrassing for me...
...but I was wondering if you'd
help me out with some money.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
I can't afford that.
But you don't even know
how much it is.
- How much is it?
- Like 750. Seven hundred and fifty.
Yeah, no, I can't
afford that. I'm sorry.
- Seriously?
- You're having financial trouble?
It's so hard these days,
and, yeah, I really need it.
Yeah, I just don't have enough
money to be able to do that. I'm sorry.
I thought you had your own business.
You said you were gonna
diversify and all that stuff.
So you think you can?
I'm sorry.
Maybe I should call back
and talk to your girlfriend?
Maybe it'd be better
to ask her for the money.
It could be really easy, Barry.
I have all your information.
- Your credit card, your billing stuff--
- Okay. No, thank you.
- Morning, Barry.
- Morning, Lance.
What's with all this pudding?
That's part of a pretty amazing
airline promotional giveaway.
I'm gonna collect puddings
and coupons that can be redeemed...
...for frequent flyer miles.
- You going on a trip?
- No, I'm not...
...but airline mileage is like
a currency these days.
- You should go on a trip.
- No, thank you.
What do you want me to do with it?
Why don't we just leave it
there for now.
Thank you very much. I'm well.
My name is Barry Egan.
I have a little problem
with my MasterCard.
I lost it and I found it again...
...and I'm afraid
in my losting and finding, I...
Somebody might have
used my card--
- And what's the account number?
- I did punch that in earlier. I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous about this.
I don't know the proper
etiquette in this situation.
I just wanna make sure
no one spent any money.
- I don't have money to burn.
- There's nothing--
- I'm clean for now?
- Yes, everything is fine.
- I'm sorry I sound panicked.
- That's okay--
- What's your name?
- Jeanette.
Nice to meet you.
- Okay, so I'll cut it up.
- That's fine.
I'll cut up my card,
then get a new one going, right?
- Yes, you will.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Why's that there?
I don't want to be a dick...
...but that could hurt somebody.
It already hurt me.
Let's please move that.
He's wearing that damn suit again.
I don't know why.
- He doesn't usually dress like that.
- That's fine.
Hey, why are you wearing
that suit again?
- I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Remember me?
- I left my car yesterday.
- Yes.
This is Lena from work.
We're here to pick up her car.
We're getting breakfast.
So do you wanna go eat?
Yeah, I can't.
- Why?
- I have to stay here.
- Seriously, we're going to eat.
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
- What is that?
- Are you learning to play the piano?
- That's not a piano.
Lance! Remember we have
to call that guy in Toledo.
- Which guy?
- I'll tell you later.
- You don't want to eat with us?
- Telephone, Barry, on line two.
What's all that pudding?
I don't know.
I'll talk to you in a second.
- Let me get this.
- What's that pudding, Barry?
This is Barry.
Hey, baby. I guess
we got disconnected.
We got disconnect-- How did
you get this number for my work?
You canceled your credit card.
I need you not to and up your limit.
Okay, this is making
me very uncomfortable.
I need help. Maybe I should just
call back and talk to your girlfriend.
- I don't have one.
- You said you did.
- I know, but I don't.
- You lied to me?
This is illegal, okay? I'm sorry.
- I'll call the police.
- No, you won't.
This is embarrassing.
- I'll go pay for my car.
- Are you sure?
He's being weird.
- I don't know why he's in that suit.
- It's not bad. It's okay.
He's strange. I don't know
if you'd want to date him.
- It's okay. I'll just pay for my car.
- I'm sorry.
- Come on, rich boy.
- This isn't cool.
- It was last night.
- I'm hanging up.
- You don't know what could happen.
- I have to go.
This is a big mis--
- She's cool, right?
- Why did you just come by like this?
- It's not cool?
- No, it's fine. I feel put on the spot.
- Think you'll ask her out?
- I don't do things like that.
- Why are you being scared?
- I'm not being scared.
- You'll rag on me if I do this.
- Why would I do this to rag you?
- I don't know.
- Can I ask you a question?
Did you ask Walter
to get you a shrink?
Did you ask Walter
to get you a shrink?
What's the matter with you?
Are you okay?
He is lying.
You're being weird again.
Please don't be weird.
We should be going.
Yep. Nope. I have
to get something from my car.
What guy in Toledo
are you talking about?
I'm talking about the guy.
- I'll come over and tell you.
- Is this about the Ramada Inn?
I'll just come over
to you in a second.
I'm sorry I couldn't come
to your sister's party.
I couldn't make it.
Not a problem. Don't worry.
We had a terrific time.
Must be weird
to have so many sisters.
- Not at all. It's nice.
- Telephone, Barry, line one.
- This is Barry.
- Hang up and there'll be trouble.
- Thank you.
- What do you mean, thank--?
- Business is good. You're busy.
- Not really.
- I saw a picture of you.
- Oh, yes?
Elizabeth has a picture
of your sisters and you.
It's a lot of family. Must be nice.
- Do you have brothers or sisters?
- No. I'm the opposite.
That must be nice.
That must be really...
No, it's terrible.
- What's the pudding for?
- That's something else.
- You going to get pancakes?
- Yes, we are. We're going to--
- God!
- Where you guys going?
How long have you
worked for my sister?
- Six months.
- So you know her.
- Do you wanna check that?
- Sure.
Are you guys hurt?
They're okay.
So, what do you do?
You do what she does? Same job?
I do, but I do mainly field
consultations, which is cool...
...'cause I get to travel.
I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.
I was thinking about going there.
Going on business.
- If you're going--
- I probably won't, though.
That's too bad,
because it's so great there...
...and if you were there,
we could say hello.
Yes, but I'm not sure.
I have so much going on here.
It depends on this thing. If it happens,
I won't be able to go.
I can't find that thing in my car.
I can give it to you later.
- So are you gonna come eat with us?
- Yeah, I can't.
Oh, my God!
It was great to meet you again.
- Thanks for helping.
- What's that piano? This pudding?
- I don't know.
- Why are they here?
Call me later about the shrink. And
Walter said you have a crying problem?
Call me later.
He's obviously very busy. I don't even
know if he has time for a girlfriend.
- So I'll just see you at the restaurant?
- Okay.
I'm gonna go and eat tomorrow night.
Do you want to go with me?
- Do you want to pick me up?
- Sure.
Can I write down my address
and phone number?
- This is funny.
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I didn't ask for a shrink.
That was somebody else.
Also, that pudding isn't mine.
I'm wearing a suit because
I had an important meeting.
- And I don't have a crying problem.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- This is Barry.
- You made a fucking war for yourself.
- How do you know he's rich?
- He's gonna diversify.
- Diversify what?
- His business.
- And what is his name?
- Barry Egan.
I can take the brothers
on this mission?
- We'll do it.
- Thank you so much.
Check. Check. One, two. Test. Test.
How's that sound?
You can't do that. It's wrong.
Check. Check.
One, two. Test.
They'll go.
- I'm only paying two of you.
- That's cool.
When can you leave? I want you
to go right away. That's best.
I also need you to check out a car
for me there that this guy's selling.
- Your expenses are your own.
- Latisha said you'd pay.
- She was wrong.
- That's not cool.
It doesn't make sense if you
think about it in a fair, deal-like sense.
It's business.
$100, two days' work. It's more than
your family makes sitting around.
All right? Now, I'm serious now,
okay? Please. Now, just stop.
Keys to the truck.
You got to gas that up.
All right, save receipts on that.
His address.
We have his business
address too, but--
You know what?
Hit him at his house first.
See what this little bad-boy
businessman is all about.
Just fix it, sir.
You know, I wanna tell you
something. I've gotta tell you.
Oh, no.
I saw a picture
of your sisters and you...
...and I saw your picture,
and I really wanted to meet you.
I came to drop my car off
on purpose, to try and meet you.
- Are you lying?
- No.
- Oh, my...
- I thought I should tell you.
I didn't want to get too far along on
going out and be hiding something.
Very nice of you to say.
I was listening
to DJs this morning...
...and they always have couples that
call in and talk about their problems.
This DJ Justice--
This morning DJ
that I really like and...
They were talking
about yearbook pictures...
...and how nobody's happy
with the way they look.
I love this guy because he tells it
the way it is. He's not a phony.
And this guy calls up, and
he's talking about his senior quote...
...and DJ Justice says,
"What was great about your quote?"
He says,
"I stole an ancient proverb."
And so he says, "Okay."
And he says, "Confusion say..."
And then DJ Justice says,
"Confusion or Confucius?"
And it was just so comical. DJ
Justice just cuts you down to size.
That's my favorite part of the show.
I laugh and laugh.
Even when I'm alone.
So how's your business going?
Did you sell all that pudding?
That pudding is not a sales item.
It's not for sale.
Why is that?
I'd rather not say, if that's okay.
Oh, I'm sorry. What is it,
like, a secret pudding?
Let's just keep it between
you and I, if that's possible?
Sure, sure.
Healthy Choice and American Airlines
got together for this promotion.
If you buy any 10
of Healthy Choice products...
...they'll award you
With this special coupon,
they'll up it to a thousand miles.
So I think they're trying to push their
teriyaki chicken, which is $1.79.
But I looked in the supermarket,
and I saw that they had...
...pudding for 25 cents a cup.
Comes in packages of four.
But insanely...
...the bar codes
are on the individual cups.
So a quarter a cup--
Say you bought $2.50 worth.
That's worth 500 miles.
With the coupon, it's 1000 miles.
It's a marketing mistake,
but I'm taking advantage of it.
If you spent $3000, that would
get you a million frequent flyer miles.
You'd never pay for a ticket
the rest of your life.
So you bought all that pudding so
you could get frequent flyer miles?
That's insane.
I'm guessing it was a mistake.
But I'm taking advantage
of it while it's offered.
Who knows how long it'll last
if too many people start doing it.
Your sister was telling me
a very funny story about you...
...when you guys were kids.
You were building a ramp for the dog...
...and you threw a hammer straight
through a sliding glass door.
Is that right?
Threw a hammer?
I don't remember doing that.
My sister's a liar.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay. Sorry.
The waiter come by yet?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Can I talk to you, sir?
- I need you for a second, please.
- Okay.
- Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
- Yeah.
- Did you do it?
- No.
- You didn't smash up the bathroom?
- No.
Well, who did?
I don't know.
- Sir, your hand is bleeding.
- I cut myself.
- How?
- On my knife.
What? What?
- Sir, your hand is bleeding.
- I know.
- You have to leave.
- I didn't do anything.
I can't prove you smashed
the bathroom--
I didn't do that. I didn't.
- I have to ask you to go.
- Okay.
- I didn't do it.
- You have to leave.
- Don't do this.
- Sir, I will call the police.
All right. Can I just stay?
Sir, I'm gonna crack your
fucking head open. Get out of here.
We should go.
- I don't like it here, okay?
- Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, you hit it.
You can stop laughing.
So you know that...
...the harmonium that's ended
up in your office?
A harmonium?
The piano.
Did you steal that from the street?
What's this?
You did, didn't you?
Yeah, I did. Why, is it yours?
No, it's yours.
You learning to play it?
I wouldn't put on any concerts yet.
I'm trying.
Great. So I'm sorry,
I don't mean to pry...
...about the pudding and
the harmonium and everything...
- Not at all.
- You must travel quite a lot.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't travel.
You want to take a left up here.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Good to see you again. Good to see
your face again and go out with you.
I'll be back in town in a few days.
But if you come to Hawaii...
- I don't know. We'll see.
- You don't think you'll go?
- I'll call you when I get back.
- Okay.
Have a good trip.
And bye-bye.
And bye-bye.
And bye-bye. You fucking...
And bye-bye.
You stupid motherfucker.
Are you Barry?
- Yes.
- This is for you.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
This is Barry.
It's me. It's Lena.
I just wanted you to know...
...wherever you're going
or whatever you're doing right now...
...I want you to know that
I wanted to kiss you just then.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
I don't freak out very often.
What do you mean?
No matter what my sister says, okay?
- I don't know what you mean.
- I don't freak out.
- Have a good trip.
- Thank you.
So I got $500. That's maximum.
That's what I can take out in a day.
This is what you get
when you're a pervert.
Said you'd help and you didn't,
so we'll take this money to her...
...and that's that.
Okay, but before you guys go,
I want to bring up one thing:
I said no to Georgia.
She wanted the money, and I had
to decline. I don't have that much.
That money I gave you
is a lot of money to me.
Ninety-nine cents.
So I don't know if this is fair.
Wait, whoa. No. No, plea--
Want to fuck with what my brothers are
saying? Fuck with my family? Fuck!
Help me!
Help me.
Where the fuck are you going?
We know where you live.
Good morning.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
Come on in here.
Let's shut--
- I got in trouble last night.
- What happened?
I made a phone call.
Come here. Come here.
Barry, come here.
I better get more pudding.
Barry, telephone on line one.
Barry, telephone on line one.
- This is Barry.
- It's Rhonda.
I need to talk to you about
smashing the windows--
- I'm going out of town for two days.
- Where you going?
- Hawaii. But you can't tell my sisters.
- Hawaii?
- That is so wonderful.
- Just don't tell my sisters.
I have to get more pudding
for this trip to Hawaii.
I realize it sounds strange,
but it's not.
- So would you like to come with me?
- Right now?
I saw the teriyaki chicken for $1.79,
then the soup was a real deal.
But to stumble across the pudding,
it's tremendous how people don't look.
They don't look at the fine print.
Oh, my.
You can go to places in the world
with pudding. That is funny.
That's funny.
It's gonna work.
I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming.
Lena, I'm coming.
- I'm gonna get on line.
- Lena. Aloha.
- Barry, I'll be on line.
- Okay. I'm coming.
What do you mean? It doesn't say
six to eight weeks anywhere.
It takes that long to process
and validate the order.
I had this planned in my mind, okay?
I could get the pudding to you today.
I'm leaving today.
I've explained this.
It takes time to process.
How am I supposed to know this
if you don't tell me this?
If it's not in the fine print.
That's an impossibility.
- It takes time to process.
- I didn't see a six or an eight.
- This is bullcrap to me.
- That's how long it takes to process.
All right!
The pudding takes six to eight weeks
to process, so that won't work.
I'll take a bath on that today.
But here's what I'm gonna tell you.
- Now, the pudding...
- Yeah?
- You okay?
- The chair broke.
We'll get to the pudding later.
I'm gonna go now.
I'll call you from there.
- You run the place till I'm back.
- No doubt.
- Don't tell my sisters anything, okay?
- Absolutely.
- Good afternoon.
- Thank you.
- Have a great flight.
- Thanks very much.
I've never been on a plane before.
- What was that sound?
- I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi. Where you wanna go?
Could you take me to where
the beach is and the hotels are?
And I'm gonna need a phone.
- It's me.
- What are you doing?
Nothing, I'm at work. I was wondering
about your friend Lena.
Yeah, what about her?
I was wondering if you know
where she's staying in Hawaii.
She left her pocketbook here.
I wanna get it to her,
make sure she's not nervous.
I know exactly where she's staying,
and you're lying.
She didn't forget her purse.
Why do you want her number?
- Don't do this.
- Why do you want it?
- All I want is her number.
- Why?
- Don't treat me this way.
- Do you like her?
- You're killing me.
- Oh, my God. Calm down.
All I want is her fucking number!
Give me that fucking number.
You hear me? I'm sick of this shit!
Stop fucking treating me this way.
I'll fucking kill you. You want that?
- Aloha, Sheraton Waikiki.
- Hi, yes. Lena Leonard's room.
- Okay, one moment.
- Thank you.
- Is Lena there?
- You have the wrong room.
Aloha, Sheraton Waikiki.
Hi. I just called. I think I was
connected to the wrong room.
I'm looking for a Lena Leonard.
There shouldn't be a man in that room.
One moment, please.
Thank you.
- Lena!
- Yeah?
Hi, this is Barry Egan.
Oh, wow, yeah?! That's great!
You came, you came!
- What are you doing?
- I didn't hear you!
I just want to know
what you're doing?
- Where are you?
- I'm calling you. I'm in my hotel room!
Yeah, I'm just down here
on my business trip!
Let's do something, then.
You want to do something?
Yeah! You don't have a boyfriend
or anything, do you?
- No! What do you mean?
- I just wanted to know.
- When's the last time you had one?
- About six months ago. Why?
- I just wanted to make sure.
- When did you last have a girlfriend?
- Were you ever married?
- Yeah.
Okay. How long were you married for?
Do you want to meet
and talk about this?
Okay. Where are you from originally?
I'm here.
You got me out of my hotel room.
You came and got me out of my room.
It's so nice.
It really looks like Hawaii here.
I'm sorry. I forgot to shave.
Your face is so adorable...
...and your skin and your cheek.
I want to bite it.
I want to bite your cheek
and chew on it. It's so fucking cute.
I'm looking at your face
and I just want to smash it.
I just want to fucking smash it
with a sledgehammer...
...and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
I want to chew your face,
and I want to scoop out your eyes...
...and I want to eat them.
Chew them and suck on them.
- This is funny.
- Yeah.
This is nice.
At that restaurant, I beat up
the bathroom. I'm sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
They need to see the new 4-84s
to make sure it works with their OC.
- Okay. What should I do about Eric?
- Just tell him to call me.
- Okay. So did my brother call you?
- No.
I don't know what he's doing.
I'm sorry that didn't work out.
- It's fine.
- You don't wanna date him anyway.
- Honestly, he's a freak sometimes.
- Yeah, he did seem a little strange.
Well, he's not that strange.
Don't say that.
- You're right. I'm sorry.
- I think he's weird, but that's me.
- Okay. So should I call you later?
- That's okay.
I'll just see you when you get back.
Okay, bye.
- So where do you have to go?
- For what?
For work.
I don't have any business here.
I came here for you.
- Hello there, guy.
- Hi, look. This is Bar--
You have almost reached me,
but not quite.
I'm shaving my roommate's pussy
right now, so I'm a bit distracted.
Leave your name and home phone
number, area code first, please.
I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.
God, she's so sexy.
Bye, honey.
This is Barry Egan. I'm calling
about what took place the other night.
I wanted to tell everybody
it was not fair what you did to me.
I am expecting my money back.
I realize you have my number.
I'm on vacation now. If you want
to reach me, shortly I will be home...
...and we can discuss
how you can return my money.
Otherwise, I'm pretty sure
that the police can be contacted...
...and I could do that,
and I feel like it's warranted.
So let's figure something out.
Like I said, I'll be home shortly.
Give me a call. Okay, thank you.
How many airplanes
have you been on?
I think, maybe over a hundred.
- That's right, you travel a lot.
- Yeah.
How much do you travel?
Do you travel all the time?
Forgot about that.
Can I come home with you
when we get there?
Of course.
Is it okay to ask that?
I thought that you were anyways.
Come here.
Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine. Are you okay?
- Yes. I'm sorry.
- What is this?
- It's okay. It's okay.
Follow the penlight
with your eyes, okay?
People are just crazy
in this world, I think.
- Hi. Janice the operator. Who's this?
- This is Barry Egan.
- We talked. Do you remember?
- No, sweetie, I don't remember.
Cut the crap, lady!
You said your name was Georgia.
You said our conversation
was confidential! I trusted you.
And then you called me
and asked for money! Am I right?!
- Am I right?!
- Sir--
Get your supervisor on the phone!
I want whoever owns that place
on the phone! You hear me?!
- Can you wait a second, please?
- No more bullcrap! I'm not kidding!!
- Yeah, this is Dean.
- It's me.
Barry Egan's on the other line.
He wants to talk to a supervisor.
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Put him through.
- This is bad--
Will you shut up?
Okay, sexy. I'll connect you
with my supervisor.
You're in trouble, honey.
Who's this?
My name's Barry Egan.
I called your service--
- Why don't you shut the fuck up?
- What?
Calm down.
What's the problem?
The problem is, if you let
me explain, your employee...
...that girl who I was just speaking with,
has been threatening me.
And four blond gentlemen
just attacked me...
...and smashed my car
and hurt my girl.
Go fuck yourself. That has nothing to
do with me. I run a legitimate business.
Listen to me.
- What's your name, sir?! Answer me!
- What's your name, asshole?!
I'm Barry Egan!
How do I know?!
You could be anybody!
You have no right taking people's
confidence in your service!
- You're sick!
- No, shut up! Shut the fuck up!
You have no right
to take people's trust.
Shut up! Shut! Shut!
Shut! Shut! Shut up!
Shut up!
Now! Are you threatening me, dick?!
Why don't you--?
You go fuck yourself!
You-- Fuck! Did you just say,
"Go fuck myself"?
Yes, I did.
That wasn't good!
You're dead!
Is there--?
Is that guy in the blue suit, is he
just around the corner? Can you...?
Yes, there's a police officer here.
No, the guy who came with me.
Is he there?
I'm not sure. We can ask
the receptionist to get him.
He's probably in the waiting room.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
There was a blond woman in there.
Did they move her room?
- What's her name, sir?
- Lena Leonard.
- Are you a relative?
- Yes.
- Just a minute. Let me check for you.
- Okay.
- She was discharged this evening.
- She was discharged, okay.
Welcome to Directory Assistance.
City and state, please.
Somewhere in Utah.
Thank you.
What listing?
Can I have the listing
for D&D Mattress Man?
- Fuck you.
- No.
You're a pervert.
Think you can be a pervert
and not pay for it?
Don't you say that to me.
- You called the phone-sex--
- Shut up.
I didn't do anything.
I'm a nice man.
I mind my own business.
So you tell me that's that
before I beat the hell from you.
I have so much strength in me.
You have no idea.
I have a love in my life.
It makes me stronger
than anything you can imagine.
I would say that's that, Mattress Man.
You came all the way
from L.A. to tell me this?
Yes, I did.
Tell the cops?
All right.
That's that.
- Now, get the fuck out of here, pervert!
- Didn't I warn you?!
That's that.
- Barry, you okay? What's going on?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Where you been?
I was in Utah, but now I'm here
and I'll be right back.
Where you going?
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I left you
at the hospital.
I called a phone-sex line--
I called a phone-sex line
before I met you...
...and four blond brothers
came after me...
...and they hurt you, and I'm sorry.
Then I had to leave again
because I wanted to make sure...
...you never got hurt again.
And I have a lot of pudding...
...and in six to eight weeks,
it can be redeemed.
So if you could just give me
that much time...
...I think I can get enough mileage
to go with you wherever you go...
...if you have to travel
for your work.
Because I don't ever want
to be anywhere without you.
So could you just let me
redeem the mileage?
- You left me at the hospital.
- I'm sorry.
You can't do that.
If you just give me
six to eight weeks...
...I can redeem the mileage...
...and I can go with you
wherever you have to travel.
So here we go.