Puppy Love (2023) Movie Script

["Diggin' This Right Here"
[alarm ringing]
Oh, crap.
[alarm stops ringing]
[phone ringing]
Oh, God.
[Chaim] Hey,
thinking about tonight.
Why don't we just stay in?
Hang out
and talk about life,
you know?
Sounds refreshing,
but I have my sister's
engagement thing tonight.
Oh, hell yeah, I'm in!
I'll be there.
Oh, no. No, it's--
it's family stuff so you could
totally be out if you wanted to.
Okay, listen, Nicole,
uh, I actually think
that we need to talk.
Okay, aren't we currently
talking right now? I don't--
You are completely shut off.
[gasps] I'm not.
I am not shut off.
It feels like
you're incapable
of loving anyone.
Chaim, can we just, like--
That's not even my name.
It's Chaim.
Okay, Chaim.
[Chaim] Chaim!
[Nicole] I'm saying that.
Look, I'm sorry.
[drive-through attendant]
Pull up to the next window.
[phone ringing]
Hey, sweetie.
Latte with oat?
Is that a girl?
Oh, my--
No. I'm not-- It's--
Did she spend the night?
-I'm at a drive-through.
-Is she cute?
[attendant] Um, here you go.
Oh, thank you.
-Thank you.
Just a quick sanitize.
[radio host] This is KCLW,
and you're listening to
We Chill Radio Station
in Seattle.
Next up, we have a track
that will ease your mind
and kick-start your morning
with some meditative--
There was that one time
where I was telling you
about a dream that I had.
-Oh. My lip balm.
-You don't even
talk to me about your dreams.
[radio host]
And it's another pleasant day.
-[tires screeching]
-Fuck! What the fuck?
...and to share an emotional--
Got it.
-[horn honking]
-Thank you.
[radio host]
60,000 fans will be there
to cheer them on.
[guide on recording]
Welcome to your guided
meditation experience.
Before we begin, remind yourself
that this is a time...
-[sighs] Okay, I can do it.
-...for you and you alone.
I'm just gonna walk
into the office
and not be weird.
[guide] Relax your neck...
They're just...
...and shoulders.
...people that I actually know.
Deepen your breath
in through the nose...
-...and out through the mouth.
[horn honks]
I hate people. I hate people.
-[horn honking]
-Yeah. God.
[horn honks]
Yeah, okay!
-And travel your consciousness
down for--
-[inhales] Okay.
-[ringtone blares]
this is getting ridiculous.
I was planning on coming in.
It's just, my uncle's
in the hospital
with, um, a thing.
And, um...
[Sid] You're such a liar, Max.
Someone already
saw you outside.
And I'm looking at you
from my window right now,
circling the parking lot
looking like a freak.
-Look like
a student driver, bro.
-Look, I know things
are rough, man, but--
-You don't-- [sighs]
Are you okay?
I can't explain it, okay?
I just-- I-I don't know.
I mean, my-- my--
my heart's beating really fast,
and I'm-- I'm sweating,
and I just, um--
It's just--
You are really taking advantage
of my post-COVID,
very liberal
work-from-home policy.
-This is a real condition, Sid.
-I know, social anxiety is real.
I feel for you, dog.
I seen the commercials.
You gotta snap that shit quick,
'cause I can't
protect you anymore.
You're gonna get canned.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
I'm going to talk
to my fucking therapist.
I blew off the office. Again.
I did go get coffee,
but, um, it was the--
it was the drive-through.
No need to apologize, Max.
Yeah. No, no, I know. I just--
You know, I just feel like
a helpless idiot.
Well, I don't listen
to helpless idiots.
you're my therapist, so--
It's called mirroring.
-It's a therapy technique.
Shows you how
you talk about yourself.
Oh, wow, that's--
that's cool. Um...
-And that--
that's supposed to help?
Perhaps now it's time
to introduce something
a little different.
Oh, yeah? Something else?
Pet therapy.
Now listen,
if you can talk
to a dog and make
an emotional connection,
it can help you learn
how to connect with people.
-Dogs teach acceptance.
It's just, you know,
a dog is a serious invasion
of my, um, space.
Max, we need to take
some bold steps here.
-I'm not sure I'm capable--
-Do you have a problem
with dogs, Max?
Well, I just--
I don't have a problem
with a dog.
"I don't have a problem
with a dog."
-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry. I just--
That was mirroring.
Mirroring. Mm-hmm.
-Go out, Max.
Go out
and make a canine connection.
Yeah, I get it.
-Hey. Whatever-his-name
broke up with me.
-Oh, no. Really?
Yeah. He said I was closed off,
but, like, I let him in.
Like, in.
You know there are
other kinds of intimacy, right?
All the way in.
I'm just worried
Bumble's gonna raise
its price on ya.
Listen, I have a lot going on
right now with work and just,
like, life in general.
And I know that I have my needs,
but I don't need a guy for that.
Serious question.
Do I put my real height
in my profile
or my height in heels?
Uh, not needed.
Tonight we're going out.
[Nicole] Oh, thank God.
[muttering] I think this
will look good here.
These are pretty good.
-Oh, thanks. Here.
Hunter Fosterini is putting
his Bellevue estate
on the market.
Wait, CEO of Crypt-Yo?
He's hired me
to stage it.
But with
the twins coming,
I'm finally promoting you
to do it solo.
Oh, my God.
Stacey, are you serious? That--
Wow, I--
It's make-or-break.
No, I know that. [chuckles]
As one strong woman to you,
don't mess it up.
I-- I won't. I will not.
I will-- I won't let you down.
Just make him feel good
about himself.
Blur the line between stager
and potential sexual partner.
That's how
you'll succeed.
Oh. Hi.
Wait, are you somebody's?
Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
No, no, no. I'm sorry.
Sorry, buddy. I've just got
to go find an outfit
for my sister to criticize.
But good luck, okay?
[attendant] Thank you
for coming down
and checking us out.
You know, these dogs do deserve
a loving home.
[dogs barking]
And I got the perfect
fucking guy for you.
Real beauty.
Just needs some belly rubs
and tolerance training.
-[dog barking]
-Oh, my--
Don't worry,
he'll get bigger.
[Max] That's a therapy dog?
Oh, yeah.
He's perfect for you.
You're not gonna have
any problems with this guy.
He'll destroy anyone
that messes with you.
Um, I--
[barking continues]
I mean,
I've seen him go ballistic.
Anyone look him directly
in the eye, they're fucked!
I don't think
this is a good idea.
[barking continues]
I'm sorry, I just--
I don't need a--
Well, don't worry about it.
No problem.
We've got some other dogs.
Hmm. Ah.
What about
this cute little one
right here, huh?
[Max] What's her name?
[attendant] Well,
it's up to you, my dude.
Just bring her back
in a week
to get spayed.
She might be perfect for you.
Yeah, maybe she is.
Sorry, I'm just--
I'm just a little nervous. Uh...
Well, hey, if you wanna
change anything,
that's fine. You know?
Just run it by me first,
if that's cool.
So what will I call you?
King Charles?
Or Queen Charles?
What do you think about,
uh, Chloe?
I think I'm gonna
call you Chloe,
if that's okay.
Do you want to do a tour?
Um, I work in IT.
This is my
work-from-home station.
Popped for Xfinity,
so my Internet's crazy fast,
like, over a gig.
Trust me,
that's really fast.
I mean, I-- I could talk about
this shelf all day.
We got an unopened
'80s original right here.
And this whole collection
is just next-level.
Oh, and-- So Brando smoked this
for one take in The Godfather.
I mean, supposedly.
It didn't make
the final cut of the film.
But he did smoke a cigar
in the poster, so it's still
kind of dope. [exhales]
This is my keyboard.
[keyboard playing]
That's not bad.
And, you know,
it can be yours,
if you want.
I'm-- I'm really tired
of making music
just for myself, so...
Well... [sighs]
...that's it.
That's me.
It's impressive, right?
Oh, thank you.
That's fine, I guess.
[exhales] Okay.
Mom? Hello?
[cat hisses]
-Princess, you are
looking hypoallergenic.
[Nicole's mother] Nicole?
Shoes, Nicole.
You know we don't wear shoes
in the house.
[sighs] It's good
to see you too, Mom.
Hi, Sis. I'm home.
I don't think we've met yet.
-Nicole, this is Alistair.
-[Nicole] Hello.
He flew all the way here
to ask Mom for my hand.
Well, of course.
Oh, wow. That--
I had to come for this.
Oh. [giggles]
-Mom, is this your ring?
-[both giggling]
Well, you're hardly
galloping down the aisle, Nic.
[timer dings]
So, how's work going, Nicole?
Uh, oh, really good,
Yeah, Stacey promoted me
to head stager today, I think.
[gasps] She's killing it.
-Number two for Stacey Dorin,
a legend in home staging.
-Oh, my God.
Nicole's a very talented artist.
She could have gone
to art school.
But instead she chose to spend
her life rearranging furniture.
It's home staging, Mom,
in highest-luxury real estate.
You make it sound like
it's musical chairs.
She turned down a spot at U-Dub
for art and design.
Yeah, well, someone needed
to take care of Dad
while you were in Paris, so...
-See what I mean? Defensiveness.
-[Alistair] Mm-hmm.
I mean, she's been
completely closed off
these last three years.
-Mom, I'm literally sitting
right here.
-I mean,
she parties every night.
But I'm afraid
deep down she's really lonely.
-Oh, my God, Mom.
Why are you discussing this
with Alistair?
Because he's British, Nicole.
[people chattering]
[glass smashes]
Nothing good happens out there
past 9:00 p.m.
Just a bunch of packed bars
and people breathing
on each other.
I, I, I can't go now
DJ's playing
My, my, my, my song now
But if you want
To wait all night
I just might
Go all the way
With you tonight
Erase the visual
You like my--
You killed it on the bridge.
Uh, no, you killed it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, there are
zero one-night-standable guys
in this bar.
-[loud rock playing]
-[feedback squeals]
[singer shouts]
Oh, my God.
[Chloe whining, barks]
Chloe, what are you--
You need this right now?
Okay, hold on.
[whirs, buzzes]
Who are you?
Delivery guy.
Well, I'm willing
to receive a delivery.
Of a guy.
Pad thai with beef
for Rahul.
No, okay.
-Here you go.
[door buzzes]
All right.
Have a good night,
delivery guy.
-Thank you.
-See ya.
Hey, Chaim.
Oh, I'm sorry. Chaim.
Hello, it's me.
Listen, I just wanted
to let you know
that I can let people in.
I actually let
so many people in.
Everyone in but you.
And I am capable of love,
so thank you.
And good night. Goodbye.
Idiot. [sighs]
Buddy, you're still here?
Oh, man. No.
Don't look at me like a person.
Okay. All right. Come on.
One-night stand,
all right?
Let's go.
Make yourself at home.
Oh, sorry about the mess. Just--
[sighs] Put some music on.
[keys jangle]
Just gonna make a drink.
Yum, yum, yum, yum.
Oh! No! Ooh, no, no, no. No.
That lo mein is,
like, weeks old. [sniffs]
Oh, God.
Is that you
or is that the noodles?
["Guiding Light" playing]
Come on,
we'll get you washed up.
Come on. Come on, buddy.
No more work
Or things to do
Okay, next up,
let's talk conditioner,
shall we?
Would you like
argan oil to strengthen,
or coconut milk to thicken?
...Back up
On the stars tonight
I'll keep you warm...
Argan oil?
Yeah. Smart dog.
Solid choice.
[song continues playing]
Done. Okay,
let's take a peek. Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, wow.
Look at you, handsome!
It's like I'm looking
at Channing Tatum.
Yeah. There's you.
Chloe, whatever you're doing
is loud. I'm trying to sleep.
Are you trying to dig a hole?
I'll keep you warm
Near the ocean tonight
Thank you.
You'll be my love
And my guiding light
Definitely woken up
next to hairier,
that's for sure.
Good morning.
[groans] No.
No morning-after make outs.
Okay. All right. [sighs]
Time to find your person.
-We have 32 pounds.
He's in great shape.
You're a tough guy, aren't you?
You're a real tough guy.
Hey, tough guy,
how old are you?
Can you tell me?
"I'm two years old, yes."
He says he's two years old.
Isn't that cute?
You know what,
here's an odd thing.
I don't see any testicles,
so he's been neutered,
but no chip.
-So two snips, zero chips.
Did you find him
outside of a store
with a sign reading,
"No chips, no balls,
no service"?
We have fun here.
So what do I do then?
What am I supposed to do?
Well, the first thing
you should do is get him
some shots for worms,
because he was a stray,
and that's very common.
And it's also extremely common
for humans to ingest them.
So have you checked
your stools yet?
My stool?
For worms.
Holy shit.
No, I haven't.
And maybe for
an old Monopoly piece
if you ever shoved one of those
up your butt.
Jesus Christ.
Okay. All right.
[laughing] It happens.
It happens
when you're a kid.
All right, well,
good luck, pal.
Um, okay, well--
He's gonna be a great dog
for you.
The thing is,
I can't have a dog
right now.
I'm really busy.
I'm never home.
You're busy?
Yeah, work, is--
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
So what do you do?
Are you like
a long-haul trucker,
or you work on an oil rig
or neurosurgeon?
I'm a home stager.
Yeah, for high-end
luxury real estate.
It's kind of a big deal,
Do you still want her
to be your owner?
"Probably not.
She seems selfish."
Hey, she's not selfish.
She's just busy.
You don't have
to talk through the dog.
I can't help it.
He's very talkative.
You know what? That's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Don't adjust your lifestyle
for anything or anybody.
Excuse me?
That was an inner thought.
I think you should
post on Nextdoor,
maybe put up a few flyers,
and if you don't
hear anything,
you know, take him to
an animal shelter, I guess.
-They'll find him a home,
-Yeah, probably not.
You might as well
get it over with--
put up the flyers,
and then get ready
to see this guy
in the dumpster.
Typically I wouldn't be outside
during a pedestrian hour,
or ever, but it's better
you pee out here
than on my floor.
So, just get it done,
and then we'll go--
Oh, my God.
-Oh, God. Fuck. No.
-[dog walker] Hi, friends.
-Chloe, no, no, no, no, no.
-[gasps] And who is this?
Uh, she's--
Oh, so adorable!
Come here, you.
Come here.
She's, uh, Chloe.
Come here. Come here.
So adorable.
Oh. Oh!
-Oh, my God. Yeah.
-Such a sniffer.
All right.
Um, could you just--
Okay. Please, um,
just-- Thank you.
Hey, we should do a playdate.
Oh, um...
Okay, bye.
Come on, Strawberry!
never do that again, okay?
Do you hear me?
I was just violated for you.
Your Canva presentation
looks pretty dope.
Well, I'm trying.
I really have to impress
this guy.
Next, maybe you should make
lost dog posters.
Do you think
someone's gonna claim him?
I mean, maybe he's already home.
Your place is a dumpster.
My place is not a dumpster.
It's organized chaos.
Mm-hmm. Oh. Oh.
-Oh, your dog.
-Hey! Oh! No, no! No, boy.
Oh. [sighs]
Okay. All right. Fine,
I will take him out. [groans]
Looks like you got a girlfriend.
Maybe a little.
Yeah-- But no,
you know, not really.
Maybe it's time
for a real one?
Oh, no. I mean, I don't know.
I-- [laughs] I got a dog, so...
Because you're an ugly loser?
Okay, can we maybe stop
with the mirroring?
It kind of hurts my feelings.
Let's just try going out
on a random date.
Think of it as an experiment
in conquering your anxiety.
You never need
to see them again.
This is the next step.
Maybe Chloe can help you
with your dating profile.
Back on the prowl.
[shutter clicking]
Ah! Do you approve?
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Add new photo.
What do you think?
Not bad, right?
Do your magic, Bumble.
Okay. Now we wait.
Nice. Neat.
Reasonably funny.
Currently have a job,
at time of posting.
I should put some hobbies.
Figurine aficionado?
How about hanging
with my fluffy roommate?
This is stupid.
I just want you to know,
if I ever manage to actually
bring home another woman,
it's not gonna change
what we're building together.
No bio.
Only an Instagram link.
That's a really deep V-neck.
Why are you posting
a group photo?
Which one are you?
Oh, my God.
This guy is literally in prison.
"Reasonably funny."
Okay. Oh, my God. Wow.
Your dog is a ten.
I'm gonna swipe right
on this one
for you, all right?
This girl's out of my league.
But, as a very wise
Jedi Master once said,
[imitating Yoda]
"Do. Or do not.
There is no try."
[sighs] Look, Chloe,
you gotta understand,
this girl's hot,
and I'm kinda odd.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
-[app chimes]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Does this mean I have to
actually meet up with her?
She's way out
of your league, dude.
-Yeah, man, thank you.
I know that.
-Well, don't worry about it.
I got a three-step approach
that will guarantee
to help you score points
on any date.
Trust. 'Cause you already know
the ladies I be bringin' in.
No, I don't.
-You heard about
my many stories of conquest.
-No. What are you talk--
You're the only person
I know from school other than me
that's still single.
Take this down.
Step one.
Give me my phone.
You'll want to get
on the lady's level, right?
Which in your case,
you're gonna have to
bring her down to your level.
So you have to neg her
to keep her vulnerable
with, uh, veiled insults.
That will keep her
off guard.
Insult her.
So you want to say something
like, "Oh, those shoes
were hot last season."
I don't know
what a season is.
Doesn't matter.
She does.
-Step two.
Now you broke her down...
...you want to build her up now.
-Be specific.
Talk about her nail polish
and how that's a great color
on her.
Okay, her nail polish.
Yeah, she'll love that.
And then comes
the physical part.
My favorite.
You ready for this?
Blow on her neck.
-Just go like this.
-[blows] That's the secret.
Yeah. Yeah.
-That's why you're single.
Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down. Slow down.
You should never rush on stairs.
Do you see her anywhere?
Kind of forget what
she looks like, to be honest.
Holy shit!
[dogs barking]
Come on. It's okay.
What the fuck. Jesus!
[barking continues]
Okay, come on. I know.
That was insane.
No, hey! Gross, gross, gross.
We're expecting company.
She's three minutes late.
She's probably not gonna come.
You don't see her, do you?
She's not coming.
Okay, we-- we should just go.
This place is terrify--
That is Chloe,
so you must be Max. Hey.
Hey... lo.
-Hi. [clears throat]
-This must be Channing Tatum.
[imitating Tatum]
"I'm not gonna give up on you."
Wait, what?
It's, uh, G.I. Joe:
Rise of the Cobra.
Right, right.
Yeah, well, I think he's more of
a Magic Mike kind of Channing.
[imitating Tatum]
"Do I look like I own tights?"
Uh, yeah.
That might be Step Up.
Yeah, I think that is Step--
I don't know.
Movie confusion.
Doesn't matter. Um. so--
Cool shirt.
Oh, this-- Thanks.
It's a band.
[exhales] Your boots.
My boo--
Your boots.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. They're whatever.
They're really,
uh-- really cool.
Um, just, like, uh,
last season maybe?
Yeah, probably.
I got them at
a vintage store, so...
Nail polish.
That's a really nice color.
-You are "reasonably funny."
-Um, anyway, shall we--
Ooh. Hold on.
Well, they seem to be
getting along nicely.
That's cute.
He's had all his shots, right?
No, no. It's all
a government conspiracy.
I'm kidding.
[chuckles] Oh.
Of course
he's had his shots.
Uh, hey, are you hungry?
No, it's the best chicken
I've ever had.
Just trust me.
-Oh, actually, I don't--
-No, no, no.
Just watch the dogs.
I will be right back. Hold on.
Check the health rating.
Less than an A
means potential
for contamination.
Make sure it's--
Two dogs. Two dogs.
I don't even know
this other dog.
Okay, yeah,
don't touch the bench yet.
Hold on.
[whispering] Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
-Just move that.
-Oh, okay, well,
I was-- Okay.
All right, rule number one--
do not touch your eyes
or you will go blind.
I'm serious.
It's ghost pepper.
You've never had it before?
-Oh! [laughs]
Uh, rule number, uh, two--
sanitize hands.
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I got you.
Little bit of-- [squeaks]
All right. Here we go.
Rule number three--
maybe we just,
like, feed ourselves.
-Can you just try the chicken?
-I don't really dabble
with hot stuff.
Yeah, okay.
Sometimes you just
gotta try stuff.
Okay. All right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
that's so spicy.
My God, that's spicy.
Oh, my God. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here. Here.
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
[chuckles] Here.
Here, just--
[laughs] Wow. [gasping]
Why do people eat this?
Okay, reveal.
Super spicy chicken
is a natural truth serum.
-It's really fun, right?
-Mmm. Super fun.
Well, let's get to know
each other a little.
Okay, first question.
Oh, my God.
What did you keep
in your high school locker?
Yes, you do.
I don't remember.
[clears throat]
What did you keep in there,
like, all the way in the back?
Magic cards.
You were a nerd. I knew it.
Nothing wrong
with being a nerd.
And I didn't play
with them.
Eat another wing.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
[chuckling] Okay, okay.
Okay, it's my turn to ask.
Okay, uh...
Okay. Oh--
Wait, you've prepared questions?
Yeah, I thought it--
What, uh--
What's one of
your favorite family memories?
Christmas, I guess.
Well, you have to give me
more than just Christmas.
That's all I got.
I'm gonna pass.
You can't pass.
That's a boring question anyway.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
What's your favorite
family memory?
-I said I'm gonna pass.
-You can't change the rules.
Well, I made up the rules,
so I kind of--
I can change them.
-Rules are there
to be followed.
-Can you just let it go?
where are the dogs?
[Max] Chloe?
I'm sure they're close by.
[Nicole] Channing?
[Max] Chloe?
[toy squeaking]
Chann-- [groans] Shit.
Do you see either of them?
-I think--
[giggling] Look.
[Nicole] Channing? Channing?
[Max] Chloe?
Chloe? Oh, my God!
-[Nicole] What?
-Get away from her,
you monster!
[chuckles] Hey, it's fine.
He's neutered.
They're just having fun.
-Come on!
How do we know she gave consent?
It's assault.
Hey, it's okay.
Calm down.
[groans] It's not--
She looked like
she was having a good time.
[retching, spits]
Oh, my God.
-Are you okay?
-Do you vomit
when you're okay?
No, I mean, I feel bad.
Like, do you need anything?
This is your fault.
This is all because
of your stupid chicken game.
Oh, my-- I'm sorry.
-I was just trying
to have some fun.
-Oh, my--
I was trying
to get to know you.
So you think burning your throat
on lethally spicy chicken
is fun?
Really fun! Psycho!
-It's truth serum!
-It's truth serum!
I thought you were sweet,
if a bit weird.
But you know what?
You're a dick!
-Lose my number. Quick.
Okay, gone,
deleted it.
[stomach grumbling]
Oh, my God. No fuckin' way.
[Channing whining]
What are you whining about?
At least you got laid.
Oh, hey, you--
[Max] Holy shit.
Do you know where
the bathroom is?
[passerby] Over there.
That way? Jesus.
Where? How far?
Just keep going north.
Is it far?
It's a good walk.
It's far?
Straight that way.
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
Dear God. [groans]
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Oh, my fucking God. Jesus.
Oh, my God. This--
Okay, it's happening.
It's happening.
It's happening. No! Fuck!
Oh, my-- Fuck.
Are you fucking kidding?
-I'm so sorry, Chloe.
We gotta go.
-[belt unfastening]
[flies buzzing]
We gotta-- [groans]
[diarrhea splattering]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[Max farts, sobs]
We are never dating again.
Holy crap.
[text alert dings]
["Growing Up" playing]
I literally--
Down the halls
Of shy and awkward
Okay, buddy,
let's get the hell out of here.
Without somebody like you
Chloe, look what I got.
What do you think?
Yeah, check it out.
Check it out. [babbles]
Do you like it? [babbles]
Every day attached...
Yes, this is where
you can dig your hole.
Knock yourself out.
Wreaking our own kind
Of havoc
[Nicole] Okay.
Okay, Channing. Come here.
Come on. Good boy. Good boy.
And joy was the name
Of the game
It's a little fish.
Growing up beside you
Yeah. Good, huh?
[text alert dings]
That's yours. It's for you.
Living out loud every day
[song continues playing]
[shutter clicks]
Growing up with you
[no audible dialogue]
Shortcutting through
The wild abandon
If I was no, you were yes
You were the dollars
To my cents
If I would whisper
You would roar
Oh, growing up
I should have invested
in Crypt-Yo stock
when it was cheap.
[gasps] Holy shit.
[whispering] Oh, my God.
What is that?
Wait, is this a room
just for a tub?
Fuck it.
Oh, God. Ooh.
Yep. Yes.
This fits just right.
-[owner] Ding dong!
You must be Nicole.
Hi, I'm Nicole. Hi.
Um... Oops.
I was just, uh,
really getting a feel
for the space.
Cool, cool.
Do your thing.
I respect your process.
Just wanted to say,
I'm Hunter.
Oh, yeah. I-I figured.
-Want to take a bath?
-No, no. I'm good. I'll get out.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
Because I call this
a room for a bath.
Right. Of course.
Did you want
to see the rest?
Yes. Please.
I show you the world.
This is room for cook.
So, yeah,
that is what I'm thinking.
I gotta say,
I am vibing this.
It's the Dalai Lama
meets Wayne Manor.
But, like, in an authentic way.
That-- That is exactly
what I was going for.
Hey, there's this restaurant
downtown I'm thinking
of investing in.
It's completely inspired
by ASMR.
You will eat
with all your,
uh, senses.
I'd, uh-- I'd love
to take you there,
get your feel on the flow.
Oh, wow.
Yes, I-- I'm flattered.
It's the ultimate
sensory experience.
It's rad.
Yeah. Um... i-it sounds rad.
Hey, what's going on,
Yesterday you were throwing up.
Now you want seconds?
Okay, I'm-- I'm sorry,
we gotta get ready.
It's time to meet
Grandma and Grandpa.
And try not to judge me.
We can't choose
our parents.
Okay, here we are.
This is the place.
Holy shit.
I can't believe
you're here, Max.
Here, sweetie,
have a cracker.
Oh, no, thanks.
-There you go.
-Thank you.
I love what you've done
with the place.
-It's always a work
in progress, yeah.
-Did you see the wind man
out front?
-Uh-huh. Yeah, he-- he's cool.
Max, you seem happy.
Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm--
I mean,
Chloe's been helping a lot.
You know, she's pretty special.
Yeah, she's a real beauty,
She's got a little meat
on her bones too.
Like her grandma.
[laughs] Stop.
Is she looking kind of heavy?
It's weird.
I mean, at first
she couldn't keep
any food down,
and lately she can't get enough.
Well, let me take a look at her.
Here, come to Mama,
you sweet girl, yeah.
-Look at you.
You're just so pretty.
-[all chuckling]
Could she be pregnant?
[laughing] No.
[Max's father laughing]
No, that's impossible.
So she's been spayed?
No fucking way.
[paper crinkling]
All right, pick her up
and place her over the bowl,
but, like,
in her normal
squatting position.
I don't think
this is how we do it, man.
It is.
I read this is how they do it
in Finland.
Finland? What?
Yes. I read, okay?
Don't be uncultured, Max.
It's unattractive.
You're the one who dragged me
to a drugstore bathroom
to stick a piece of plastic
under my dog's vag--
I can't even say it.
I'm trying to help you with
your 16 and Pregnant -ass dog,
You could learn something
from her.
Gettin' laid on the first date.
Can you not be
so disrespectful?
I swear I get stupider
just being around you.
Hold on,
I feel her muscles moving.
I think she's gonna...
-Oh, that's vile! Whew.
-It's okay. It's okay, Chloe.
-She's probably just nervous.
-It's lingering! [laughs]
It's okay, Chloe.
It's lingering, dude.
Hold on.
-Oh, she's weeing. She's weeing.
She's weeing.
Oh, thank God.
[groans] It's on my finger.
Did it get on the thing?
It did. Ugh!
Here, girl.
I'm sorry. [kisses]
Okay, all right.
I got good news
and bad news.
what's the bad news?
It's the same news either way.
It's inconclusive.
That's just no news.
So what do we do now?
-You know.
I don't know.
If plan A didn't work...
Can you go up there?
No, this is your dog.
You got it.
I'm too anxious, man.
I'm anxious being in here.
Think about it
as a growing experience.
Adding to your progress.
You got this.
Here we go.
Hi there. How can I help you?
Do you sell the, um...
...the Plan B pill here?
Yes, we do.
You do.
I mean,
we generally do
a short consultation
with the patient
who we'll be
prescribing it to.
Oh, okay.
I mean, she's--
she's right here.
We're kind of, uh--
Yeah, she's--
He got the bitch
pregnant. [laughs]
Oh, yeah.
You're the two morons who got
the pregnancy test for your dog.
They've been laughing at you
for the last ten minutes.
Is that not--
[pharmacist] Okay.
Do you know how inaccessible
this kind of health care is
to most people
across America?
And you want me to hand it over
to you so you can put it
in a piece of cheese.
-Maybe smear
some peanut butter on it.
I wasn't gonna wrap it in--
I hadn't thought that far.
Put it in a Beggin' Strip.
You know?
No. No.
No? Yeah?
What was the plan?
Was this the plan?
This was the whole plan?
You were gonna come in,
swing hard on the
"it's for a dog" angle.
Not even broach a lie
that it's for a human woman.
And I was gonna be like,
"Yeah, guys. Let's do it."
We'd hoped.
Why don't we just go snort
some fuckin' Adderall?
'Cause apparently I can just
grab some stuff off the shelf
and give it to anyone.
Okay, I have one solution
I can offer you.
We'll go around back,
and I'll give your fuckin' pug
a back-alley abortion
or whatever.
-Can you do that?
-No, I can't fucking do that!
-She can't do that!
-Right. Yes, okay.
I can't do that
because I'm not a vet.
You need to go to a vet.
[whispering] Vets are
really expensive, and I could
lose my job any day now.
I'm his boss.
That's terrifying.
I hope you don't work
in anything important.
He's spending a lot of his money
on that psychoanalyst.
It's a therapist, man.
-I absolutely don't care
about this.
-Just letting her know.
-You need to go to a vet.
-[Sid] Yep.
And if you can't
afford that,
you need to get in touch
with the owner
of the father.
She's talkin' about
Channing Tatum's mom.
What the fuck planet
do you guys live on?
It doesn't matter.
It's-- It--
The mom to the doggy.
[whispering] Come here.
Come here.
Now, get the fuck
out of my face.
It's a stupid fuckin' idea.
You gotta call that girl,
That's not happening.
Prepare to experience food
with all your senses.
It's really nice.
Yes, it makes you
question reality.
Oh, excuse me,
do you have a--
Ah! It is now time to enjoy
the sense of touch.
Shit, that's really hot.
It's delicious.
The next course is, uh, smell.
[sniffs] Whoo!
[whispering] Delicious.
It's salty. It's bready.
It's tasty.
[crunching continues]
[Nicole] Yeah.
Hey, are you not vibing this?
Do you want to get
some real food?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Well, let's get out
of here, huh?
Oh, okay.
-Two-piece chicken.
You bet.
-Thank you.
Thanks for being,
uh, cool with this.
Are you kidding me?
I love food trucks.
There's something about
their transient nature.
You gotta enjoy it
while it's here.
That's almost
sorta deep.
I'm very deep.
Like infinity pool.
[phone ringing]
I'm so sorry.
This number keeps calling me.
Why can't people just do
normal phone calls?
Um, this might be an emergency.
Could you just hold on?
-[phone chimes]
-Oh, my God--
-Hey. So, um--
-Um, yeah,
I'll just be right back.
What the fuck?
I said lose my number.
Well, I can't
when you're gonna be
a grandmother. [laughs]
What are you talking about,
you psychopath?
W-- Wait a sec-- No. No way.
That's not even possible.
[Max] No, it's possible.
It's possible
because it's happening.
That's what's happening
right now. It's happening now,
so it's possible.
Okay, well,
Channing Tatum
is not the father.
Well, Chloe hasn't been
sleeping around.
Really? She seemed kind of
free with herself at the park.
Hold on. I'm sorry.
Are you slut-shaming my dog?
Listen to me.
Channing does not
even have balls, okay?
Hold on-- What do you--
How do you know that?
I think I would have
noticed his balls.
And the vet checked, okay?
He's neutered.
Okay, well, he has a penis.
Yes, of course he has a penis,
but you need balls
for the penis--
-I can't do this right now.
-You can't do this?
how come Chloe wasn't spayed?
Yeah, well, she was gonna be.
She was about to be.
I was gonna take her
to an appointment,
and then your mutt mounted her.
-Oh, who are you calling a mutt?
-I'm calling your mutt a mutt.
Yeah, well, it's better a mutt
than a slut!
[phone beeping]
Wow. [laughing] Wow.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry
about that.
Chill, chill,
chill, chill, chill.
No worries.
So you were saying that--
I got an early sound bath,
so I should call it.
Thanks for hanging.
Okay. Um...
Let's get down to work
[text alert dings]
Okay, these puppies
better not be yours.
Come on.
[vet] ...or a Monopoly piece
up your butt.
It happens
when you're a kid.
Uh-oh, look who's here.
I smell a vape pen.
-You guys ready
to solve a mystery?
It's like Scooby-Doo.
I'll be Fred,
you can be Daphne or Velma,
and you can be
a young Abraham Lincoln,
'cause that's
what you look like.
So how did you two meet?
-God. Please, just no.
-Can we not do this?
Really none of my business.
But I just have to say,
I sense some sexual tension.
-You are mistaken.
Not between you.
The dogs. [laughs]
You know what?
I think that Chloe does feel
a little thicc, with two C's.
I know the lingo.
Tell you what, let's get old
Channing Tatum up on the table
and we'll see
if this is even possible, huh?
Yeah, let's.
-Chloe, come here.
-[Nicole] Come on. Okay.
Come on up, pal. There ya go.
Ooh. Well,
I'm glad you didn't kill him.
There you go.
-You were gonna kill the dog?
-[vet] How you been?
-No, just shut up.
-[vet] Should we find out
what's going on?
-What's that?
-Well, that's his penis.
And that's a great penis.
It's a really, really good one.
Not that, the--
Yeah, the ball--
the ball circle things.
What are those?
Oh, fuck me.
He's cryptorchid.
-What does that mean?
-In English, please.
It means that he has
two functioning testicles.
They just never dropped
from his abdomen.
-What? That's possible?
-Yeah, it's possible.
Well, good for you!
You're shooting live rounds,
-[imitates shooting] All right.
Are you ready
for the next segment
of The Maury Povich Show?
-Please stop.
-Come on, Chloe, you're next.
I'd say it's about
T-minus 45 days
until showtime.
You two are
gonna be grandparents.
Come on, Channing.
[vet] Now, if you want a copy
of the ultrasound,
it's just 49.95.
[Max] And then she just
storms out. I mean,
she's an awful human. 750 bucks!
Thank God
you currently have a job.
I'm sure I can be
a single grandfather.
I'm good with one dog.
I can handle five.
Don't worry.
I'll be your godfather.
[in gruff voice]
May your first puppies
be masculine puppies.
I'm so fuckin' screwed.
[keyboard playing]
I haven't really
written anything
in a while, um...
but you've kind of inspired me,
so I thought maybe
I'd try to write you a little--
[keyboard playing]
Chloe, little spaniel
Nothin' we can't handle
Stealin' my toast
And stealin' my heart
Buddies even when you bark
Or fart.
Yeah, fart. [chuckles]
Chloe, every day
We both wake up
Ready to play
Never gonna say goodbye
To my furry Jedi
What do you think?
I'm sorry.
Does he look sad to you?
Hate that he misses that hussy.
Dude, maybe he's bummed
because you've basically
robbed him of the chance
to be a father.
You're like single-handedly
perpetuating the stereotype
of deadbeat dads.
Okay, what am I supposed to do?
Max is a complete lunatic.
Well, you're just mad
because you kind of liked him,
and he wasn't into you.
Oh, no. [scoffs] Please.
Okay, the guy
disinfected a park bench
for, like, five minutes,
like a serial killer.
Are you really
gonna punish your dog
because the owner
of his baby mama
rejected you?
[sighs] Okay, bye.
[phone beeps]
Oh, buddy,
what did you get us into, huh?
I think you're muted.
Yeah, you're muted.
[colleague] Oh, my gosh.
Sorry, you guys. [chuckles]
You would think I would know...
[cell phone chimes]
...how to use Zoom by now.
Okay, sorry.
Um, so what I'd love to do
is just jump into
the customer survey numbers
that came back.
Um, I know we're just digging--
Aw. [chuckles]
He was a little concerned
she wouldn't go for him
with the cone on.
So you had him...
Yeah, just right off.
But he's been acting strange
since before then.
Yeah, Chloe's had
a permanent case
of the Mondays.
Mmm. Look at them now.
Yeah, they clearly
dig each other.
-Oh, uh...
Sorry. He wouldn't
give it up that easy.
At least not as easy
as she did.
Oh. Here.
It's my half of the vet bill.
I also found
some great podcasts
about raising puppies
on Spotify.
I can share the playlist I made
with you, if you want.
That's actually
really cool.
Look, I know how long this
whole pregnancy thing lasts.
And I do everything alone.
And I know how hard it is,
and how--
Look, I mean,
honestly, I could--
I couldn't have done
the vet visit
without somebody else there
helping me stay focused,
even if it was you.
Thanks. I think.
And I've been reading online
about the mother's
emotional well-being
during the pregnancy and how
it can affect the puppies.
And, I mean, look how happy
they are together, so...
I don't know,
what if we, as friends,
got them together
for a few playdates?
Just until the delivery?
And, I don't know,
we can just, like,
drop them off somewhere.
I definitely do not want you
sticking around my place.
Well, yeah, I don't want you
at my place either.
Okay, cool, great.
Then we can choose
some place neutral
to let them meet up.
Does that work for you?
I mean, I guess we'll be
doing it for the kids, right?
[video narrator]
You don't deliver the puppies.
Mom does.
Nature takes absolute control
of everything
and it all runs smoothly. But--
[cell phone chimes]
It's nice to get
that cone off, huh?
That thing sucked.
Hi. Sorry.
We, uh, we got
a little lost. Um...
I've never been here
before, so...
Oh. Hi, Chloe.
Oh, she's getting hefty.
Hefty girl.
Wait, you've lived here
your entire life
and you've never been
to Discovery Park?
How is that
even possible?
Strangers, bacteria,
wild animals.
But I brought
a first-aid kit
and bear repellent,
non-toxic. [sighs]
Very prepared. All right.
Yeah, I try to be prepared.
I take it you're not
a big hiker then, huh?
No, I can hang.
Nice cardigan.
I didn't know I was supposed
to dress like Danny Zuko.
This is amazing.
I could just
sit here and chill.
Yeah. It's my thinking spot.
It gives me good vibes.
Well, thanks for sharing
your spot with me-- us.
You're welcome.
Oh, shit.
I just finished all my water
and I forgot to bring them some.
I swear, I'm such
a selfish asshole sometimes.
No, you're not.
Here, I got it.
Got it.
It's BPA-free, don't worry.
Of course.
I could only assume.
Here you go, guys!
Here you go.
Let me go
Let me let you go
Let me go
[knocking on door]
Let me let you go
[song fades]
Shit, what am I gonna do?
Okay, make sure
you behave yourself.
He's doing us a big favor.
[knocking on door]
[inhales deeply] Okay.
Hi. Okay, come on in.
[clears throat]
Um, I'm gonna need you
to put this on, if that's...
Yeah, just in the house.
Do it quickly,
if that's okay.
[laughing] I'm just kidding.
You don't have to wear that.
You don't have to
wear that.
Would've been
reasonably funny
if I weren't being
threatened with eviction.
Yeah, no.
They gave me two days--
You are gonna have to take
your shoes off though. For real.
They gave me
two days to decide.
Me or Channing has to go.
[sighs] And I'm really sorry,
I just need a little more time
to figure out where to move.
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Thank you for letting him stay.
Yeah, I mean,
it's a big step for me,
but it's what's best
right now.
You know,
for both of them, so...
[gasps] Whoa.
Just gonna have to--
Wait, is this really
from The Godfather?
Uh, well, technically it is,
-That is my all-time
favorite movie.
-Which part?
Not Part III,
that's for damn sure.
Wait, don't touch it!
I'm sorry. I just--
I didn't. Just--
-You were going to.
Oh, oh, oh.
Will you hook this up
to your Wi-Fi for me?
Just so I can
make sure he's okay.
Uh, well, I can't let you
on my network.
I'd have to give you
my password.
And what if you see me
in my underwear?
Mmm. That is not
a vision that I need.
Just please hook it up,
just at night.
Anything else of mine
you'd like to take over?
Channing is used to his things,
so this will just...
-It doesn't have to--
-...get him acclimated.
Likes them spread out?
Wait, where is Channing?
-I don't know.
-Ooh, I bet he's marking.
You don't think he is, do you?
[Channing barking]
[cell phone ringing]
What happened? Is he okay?
[Max] Do you want to
just come over
and sleep on the couch?
Really? Are you sure?
[Max] Yes, he misses you.
[Nicole] Hey.
We having
a little family cuddle.
Aren't we?
[Max] What's happening?
Well, I went to
the Fremont Sunday Flea
this morning
and I found
all this great stuff.
What-- Okay. Yeah, um...
Why is it here?
It's for the house
that I'm staging.
This way I don't have to
keep going back and forth
from my place.
It's just for a couple of days.
But there's a path.
I mean, it's a little
"zig-zag-y," but--
-"Zig-zag-y" isn't a word.
-Why are you freaking out?
You've disrupted my apartment.
What does that mean exactly?
I don't like
junk all over my apartment.
Or people.
Um, I can't--
I can't be-- I'm gonna--
[Nicole] Okay.
Chloe? Chloe, come on.
Chloe, we're gonna--
I, um--
Yeah, I'm just gonna--
Chloe, come on.
Oh, my God. What just happened?
[Max] I mean, am I crazy?
Am I being unreasonable?
I feel like she's being
pretty inconsiderate.
Who brings a bunch of garbage
to somebody else's apartment?
It's unbelievable.
I mean,
I know I have some issues.
Hey, look,
thanks for listening.
All right.
Sometimes I just freak out.
You know?
[Nicole] Listen,
I'm gonna get out of your space.
Hey, Nicole, I--
This was a really,
really bad idea.
I've messaged some other friends
to see if they can take him.
I am sorry. Um...
I have my own issues
and I'm trying to work on them.
-Oh. So it's not all me?
-That's what I'm trying to say.
I know rules
aren't really your thing, but...
for me, they're how
I get through the day, so...
Why do you think
you worry so much?
I don't know.
I guess I've always
just been a worrier.
Even when you were a kid?
I used to
drive my parents crazy
with all my thoughts
of bad shit.
It's created
a bit of loneliness.
Yeah, and then
I chose to pursue music,
which was stupid
because, you know,
it sets you up
for a lot of judgment.
And people really do judge.
Um... [snaps fingers]
So that kind of messed with
my whole confidence thing.
Yeah, I bet.
Then I met a girl who, uh...
didn't really care
about my issues.
She seemed to love me
for who I was,
which was cool.
Really cool, in fact.
And I was, um--
I was gonna propose to her.
Oh, wow!
Until I got COVID.
Fr-- Um, from her.
Which she got
from a dude.
Oh, no! She was cheating on you?
So, you know,
I quarantined, um, solo
for, like, two years.
But I actually
really liked being alone.
I'm better off by myself,
I've realized.
But it, you know,
perhaps explains
my, uh, lameness.
Hey, I do not
think you're lame.
Seriously, at all.
I'm actually really enjoying
getting to know you.
And I will-- Oh.
Oh, my God. I--
I'm sorry.
No, I thought--
No, I--
Sorry, I was trying to lean--
No, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I just kissed your chin.
Yeah, it's--
I should--
Look, I'm sorry
for taking over your sanctuary.
No, look--
Seriously, Max.
It's really nice
that you're letting me stay here
and I will sign
a new apartment lease
right after the puppies arrive.
And I can even, you know,
help out around the house.
I can cook.
That's okay.
Okay, probably for the best.
Okay. Yeah, um,
all right,
offer accepted.
Where the fuck
are the towels?
[sighs] Oh, my God,
where are the towels?
What the hell has she done
with the-- Oh, my God!
[door opens]
What? What?
Get out! What-- Get out!
Lock the door next time, dude.
Close the goddamn door!
[Nicole] What did you say?
-No, no. Go!
-Oh. You are so confusing.
Goddamn it. Okay, guys.
Come on, dogs. Go, go! Out.
[dog barks]
Come on. Out, out.
God. For fuck's sake.
-Hey, Max?
Not bad.
Okay, guys.
No preservatives or fillers
or anything artificial.
That's really good.
No, this is silly.
Look. Channing and Chloe.
No, I mean, it's good--
I mean, all your art is awesome.
You ever think about
doing it professionally?
You ever think about
doing that professionally?
Okay, I'm retreating now.
[plays notes on piano]
Take my home
And take my things
I give my all to thee
Take them for eternity
Dearest Nicole-y
Nicole-y, Nicole-y, Nicole-y
Okay, okay.
All right,
all right.
I get it.
I wanted to go U-Dub
for art and design,
but my dad got sick,
so I didn't,
and then he died,
and now I'm here.
Thanks for
telling me that.
I showed you mine.
Play me a real song.
No, that's not gonna happen.
I'm turning it off,
[imitating Elvis Presley]
Thank you very much.
["Fever to the Form" playing]
Hey, I really like your tone,
Shut up.
[Max] Shuffling the deck.
Everyone has
their card locked in.
No cheating!
No cheating. Okay?
So whether music or madness
I have not altered
the deck of cards.
Don't do any funny business.
[Max] A little bit of magic.
We live by one of the two
Was this your card?
No way!
[Channing barking]
It was, huh?
How did you do that?
That's crazy.
Blow your mind, Chloe.
Not a moment too soon
Not a moment too soon
Should we ration
The reasons?
Choose a child to ignore
So I will follow
Just put it in.
The feeling
And sing fever to the form
All of my fever to the form
[vacuum whirring]
You should check out
the classes we offer.
Wait. Lamaze for dogs?
[singer vocalizing]
'Cause the very thing
You're afraid, afraid of
It keeps you clean
But unclear
-Oh, my God!
Just put it in your mouth.
Just put it in your mouth!
Is the dirt that you're made
You're made of
And that's nothing to fear
No, it's nothing, my dear
Oh, my God! It worked!
Oh, my God!
-[Nicole] Ah!
-Did you get it? Did you get it?
I got it. I got it.
I got it.
Good job, guys!
Mine's good.
[cell phone chimes]
Maybe I thought it before
Maybe that's why
I'm at your window
Hear me at your door
Singing give me some more
[people chattering]
Oh, fever to the form
Singing fever to the form
Happy to see you, man.
How are you feeling?
Yeah, good.
All right?
I wasn't gonna fire you.
[Max] Okay.
[Nicole] Aw, good boy!
Good boy! Did you--
-Oh. Did you--
[laughing] Oh, my God.
How does this even happen?
-Hold on. I got it. I got it.
Okay. Hold on, I got it.
I got it.
[dogs barking]
Okay, okay.
It's okay.
[cell phone chimes]
[Nicole sighs]
Crap, we're gonna be late.
Time to go to our class
full of dog people.
Mmm, all right.
Wait. Are you--
You're sure that
that won't make you anxious?
No, I think I'm good.
Hello and welcome to your first
Doggie Lamaze session.
When I say,
"Who let the dogs out?"
you say,
"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"
This is insane.
[whispers] I love it.
Who let the dogs out?
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
I think we can
do better than that.
-Let's get on all fours.
-[Max] Wait, what?
I'm not doing it.
Who let the dogs out?
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
Yes! See, dogs feed on
our enthusiasm.
So we want to show them
a lot of positive energy.
We're gonna start today's class
by doing a bit of role play.
Fuck off.
Can one grandparent please adopt
the female urination stance?
Now, this is a common position
that a bitch will adopt
during contractions.
There. Good.
I'm gonna go around
and check everyone out, okay?
Quick. You're gonna
fall behind. Get up.
Okay, all right.
I almost stepped on your bitch.
Oh, well,
what a nice couple you are.
-Oh, no. We're--
-We're not a couple.
All right.
-[Max wheezes]
How does that feel?
It feels great.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
A gentle ear rub
and panting encouragement
when a bitch is
having contractions
can really help calm
a laboring bitch.
So let's all pant together,
[all panting]
[instructor] Yes.
See how he's doing
over here?
How are you guys doing?
Good job.
Ma'am, you need to get
your crotch lower to the floor.
All right.
She said you were
being a good bitch.
Let's try it again.
[Max] Did she have to use
the word "bitch" so much?
[Nicole] I actually
learned something though.
[Max] Oh, yeah?
We learned something?
I mean, Nicole,
she was dry-humping my leg
and breathing into my face,
asking me to--
Heel, heel, heel,
heel, heel, heel.
Okay, you're not even listening.
-Uh, yeah.
Yes, really. Yeah, really.
Why'd you stutter?
Are you lying?
What? No.
You don't look
like a rescuer.
What is a rescuer?
I assure you, she is a rescue.
She better be.
Hey! What's going on here?
This man is a breeder.
Who are you calling
a breeder?
Listen, lady. Back off.
A dog's for life,
not just for Christmas.
Yeah, we know.
It's fucking September.
That was amazing.
Yeah, well,
we're a pack, right?
This week has been crazy,
but in a good way.
In a good way.
You excited to be a dad?
You're gonna do so great.
thank you so much for today.
That was so fun and so weird.
Yeah, and thank you.
It was a blast.
-You just--
You look really, uh, good.
Do you want to go out?
Yeah, right.
No, come on.
It'll be fun.
Are you--
Just you and me?
No, no, no.
I'm going to meet Shay.
And Naomi, I think,
later, so I just, um--
Didn't want to exclude you
if you wanted to
come out with us.
Just-- No. At a bar?
-Yeah, no, thanks.
-Come on, it'll be fun.
Somebody's gotta
walk the dogs. Um...
No, just not tonight. I mean,
actually I have other plans.
-I've got some plans, so...
Other plans. Okay.
-I sometimes have plans too.
-Yeah, I get it.
You've got plans.
Have fun with your plans.
I will. They're real plans.
Okay, my friend.
Stop saying the word "plans."
I'll be back later
and I'll walk the dogs.
Thank you
for hanging last minute.
Of course, babe.
I can't believe that hermit dude
turned down this dime-piece.
He's not a hermit.
His loss.
He's not.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
[Shay] What are you doing?
Hunter Fosterini
just walked in.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I saw he texted
while you were in the bathroom,
so I responded
with your location. [laughs]
Goddamn it, Shay, why?
I thought you'd want
a rebound beard
since you were rejected.
Well, I don't.
Really? You've changed.
-That's awesome, Nic.
Oh! Oh, oh.
-Hide me. Hide me.
[Shay] Okay. Uh, I don't--
Ding dong!
Hey, Nicole. Yo!
How are you?
Are you good?
No, Nicole. I am not good.
As you know, I put my house
on the market this week.
And it sold.
For 500,000 over asking,
all Ethereum.
So no. No, Nicole.
I am not good.
I'm fricking fantastic!
You did amazing! [cheers]
A drink for everybody!
Tequila, eh?
[dance music playing]
[all cheering]
Ah. Ugh!
It went up my nose!
When I close my eyes
You're all that
I'm thinking of
And when I say good night
You're all that
I'm thinking of
And when I'm driving home
You're all that
I'm thinking of
And when I'm all alone
I'm not alone
Just need you to know
You're all that
I'm thinking of
[Hunter vocalizing]
[bar patrons whooping]
Come on, baby
So, are you from here?
Are you from here?
Is your family here?
They live here?
You're funny.
I like funny.
I'm funny?
You're funny, yes.
How'd you get to be
so chill?
[speaking Italian]
What? I don't--
Mmm. [laughs]
Oh. Oh, oh.
[door creaks]
[speaking Italian]
Please be quiet.
Don't touch anything.
[laughs] Shh. Shh.
[laughs] It's tiny.
Okay, I'm gonna walk the dogs.
All right.
the little dogs!
Please don't touch anything.
No, no, no.
Please. No touching. Shh.
Who is this? What's--
Uh, this is Hunter.
I'm her boss.
Who are you?
I live here.
This is Max.
He's my roommate.
Ah, cute. Roommates.
Eh, a little small
for a roommate.
[Nicole] Oh!
Hey. Hey, no, no!
I think I broke a tooth!
Give that to me.
[laughs] Relax.
Those are collectibles, man!
So I'll buy a new one.
Buy me a new--
Can I talk to you for a second
in privacy, please?
Oh, my-- Jesus.
Relax. I'll buy you ten, 20.
Who is this douchebag?
Did you seriously
bring a guy back here?
I said I was gonna
walk the dogs tonight.
I'm just trying to help out.
You're trying to help
by bringing Italian Fabio
back to the house?
He's the CEO of Crypt-Yo.
What the fuck is Crypt-Yo?
He's the house that I'm staging.
It's really important to me.
You're staging a house
for this mother--
Hey! No!
Give that back to me right now.
You can't buy me a new one.
It's irreplaceable, you dick!
Do-- Give it to me.
Oh, my God.
Max, I'm really sorry.
Please don't touch the dogs.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
Do not fuck with my dog, okay?
Bro, sit the fuck down
or I'm gonna give you
a spanking like a little baby.
Can we just--
Let's not.
[lightsaber whirs]
You like that? Huh?
Jerker. You want it, huh?
Bitch pig, huh?
Spunk-- Spunk man, huh?
-Hi-yah! [screams]
[Nicole] Hunter.
Come on, bring it!
this is so weird.
I think you need to go.
Like, it's really time to leave.
It's time to go, Hunter.
Good luck with, uh-- [scoffs]
Whoo! Whoo!
Max, I am so sorry.
Everywhere you go,
chaos just follows you.
Chaos? You mean the things
that come with having a life
outside of your own apartment?
Not just reading
other people's Yelp reviews.
You left a bowl
of disgusting old milk
and cereal in the bathroom.
Who eats any kind of food
in the bathroom,
let alone cereal?
-What are you
talking about?
Okay, but if we're
on the topic of bathrooms,
do you know what you do?
You go in the bathroom,
and then you spray
that little lavender spritz,
and it's a dead giveaway
for what just happened in there.
It's called being considerate.
And B, you are incapable
of turning off a light switch
after you've been in a room.
Okay, cool.
That's really fucking cool!
No, it's not fucking cool.
Know what else you do
that's infuriating?
What? What?
The way that
you delicately sip.
It makes my skin crawl.
I'm sorry, so I should chug
every drink that's ever put
in front of me like you
so I can get trashed
and hook up
with dirty strangers?
Like me?
Max, you are such
a pathetic loser.
Well, I'd rather be a loser
than a closed-off,
selfish asshole.
-Where's Chloe?
-I-I don't know.
Oh, my-- Where's Chloe?
I don't-- What--
Oh, my God.
Are you fucking--
I'm gonna come with you.
Absolute chaos.
No, you just stay here, okay?
You've done enough.
Max! I--
[door closes]
[Max] Chloe?
["The Other Side
of Mt. Heart Attack" playing]
[line ringing]
[operator] 911.
What's your emergency?
Hi, yeah, uh--
I guess it's not 911,
but my dog is missing and I--
Okay, sir,
you need to call animal control.
Sorry, animal control?
I'm supposed to call-- Fuck me.
Excuse me. Have you seen
a little dog?
Have you guys seen a dog?
A little dog-- A black-- No?
Fucking-- Chloe! Chloe.
Fuck. What am I gonna do?
[cell phone beeps]
I won't run far
I can always...
It's gonna be okay.
...be found
I can always...
[Channing whimpers]
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
[exhales shakily]
[thunder rumbling]
If you need me
If you need me
If you need me
I can always be found
I can always be found
[Chloe whimpering]
If you want me to stay
If you want me to stay
Hey. Hey, come here.
[whimpering continues]
If you want me to stay
I will stay by your side
I'm sorry.
I will stay by your side
I will stay
By your side
He's gonna find her.
[thunder rumbling]
I won't run far
I won't run far
I won't run far
[door opens]
Thank God. Where was she?
[Channing barks]
You're still here? Why?
I couldn't leave
until I knew she was okay.
Well, now you know,
Okay. Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna go.
Uh, I'll come back later
for my stuff.
I'll see you soon, buddy.
He can go with you.
What? No, you know
that I'll get evicted.
He's not my dog,
and I'm not your sitter.
Dude, seriously?
I've got Yelp reviews to read.
Okay. Come on.
["It Must Have Been Love"
Lay a whisper
On my pillow
Leave the winter
On the ground
I wake up lonely
Hey, Chloe.
There's an air of silence
What is this?
In the bedroom
And all around
Yeah, I miss her too.
Touch me now
I close my eyes
And I dream away
It must have been love
Do you want to play?
But it's over now
You're not in the mood.
Must have been good
I get it.
But I lost it somehow
Hold on.
Don't pull.
We're together
That I'm sheltered
Oh, my God.
By your heart
And in and outside
I turn to water
Like a teardrop
In your palm
Now it's a hard
Winter's day
They want to meet me.
They want to meet me!
It must have been love
But it's over now
It's where the water flows
[Sid] Ah, bro,
you were doing so good!
Then you lost it.
I'm not gonna have you
go dark on me as a friend again.
You know how hard it is for men
to find friends in their 30s?
Where I'ma go? Jamba Juice?
Man, I'm better off by myself.
I told her everything.
I told her about
getting cheated on, and she goes
and does the same thing.
But she never cheated on you.
You just didn't show her
how you felt.
Can you just
stop judging me for--
Me, judging you?
You judge everyone!
Nobody's never
good enough for you.
That's why you
by your damn self.
The truth of the matter is,
you do way better
with Chloe and Nicole.
And you need to be honest
with yourself about that.
You gotta tell her how you feel.
The chaos of the world
is here to stay.
Bro, just face it.
Face it as a pack.
How's your furry dependent?
I don't know.
I feel like he would be happier
with Chloe and Max
than he is with me right now,
and I still haven't found
an apartment I can afford
that takes dogs.
Are you really trying to tell me
you think that dog
is better off without you?
I mean, maybe everyone is right.
Maybe I am selfish.
I just feel like
a fucking mess.
I want to say something to you,
but I don't want you to punch me
in the face when I say it.
That happened one time.
Okay? We were five.
since you lost your dad,
you've put up some major walls.
And they may be
really cool walls,
covered in, you know,
stained glass
and vintage fabrics,
but they're still walls.
Babe, you really
gotta ask yourself,
what are these walls
getting you?
[Chloe barks]
Who is it? It's so early.
What the hell?
Hi. What? Why are you in a box?
What are you doing?
Can you ask your mom
if this is
an authentic Glengholm?
Huh? Where is she?
That is the Rolls-Royce
of Swedish whelping boxes
right there.
Only the best
for Chloe's delivery.
Can we talk?
Look, I--
No, Max.
I'm sorry.
I overstepped.
Especially after everything
you've done for me,
and how you opened up to me
about your ex.
And I'm not--
I know that we're not
a thing or whatever, but--
I mean, it wasn't cool
and I really regret it.
And I'm sorry.
Well, I really regret
not dealing with it better,
and I'm sorry.
What you said was kinda true.
You were pretty accurate
about me too.
I guess we both
kinda got some things.
Yeah. [laughs]
Yeah, I'd say we do.
I really like having you
in my life.
Yeah, me too.
it's just hard-- [scoffs]
It's hard
to care about someone
when you know
that they can just be
taken away from you.
I'm just scared, Max.
I know.
[dog barks]
Are you kidding me?
[Nicole grunts]
[Max] I could have helped
with the box.
[laughs] I got it.
Okay, Chloe. Go ahead.
Good girl. Good girl.
[door closes]
I thought
they looked good there.
Oh, my God.
I missed you guys so much.
Can you take
your shoes off?
[cell phone chimes]
[Max] These instructions
are in Swedish.
Yeah, we'll just attach
the "golv" to the "vagg"...
Oh, my God.
...using the "ryka."
we'll just wing it.
I can't read Swedish, so--
And I don't think
it says "vagg."
All right, step one.
I'm gonna miss
this whole roomie sitch
after the puppies are born.
Yeah, me too.
[people chattering]
[guitar strumming]
You ready?
For what, dinner?
No. Absolutely not.
I thought we were
just gonna have
a casual roommate's dinner.
Max, you helped me
fill out my U-Dub app.
This is me pushing you.
All right,
I don't want to be pushed
to do this.
Max, you are doing so good.
But I don't--
This would ruin everything.
What if something happens to me?
What if this is
my last night alive?
Why do you have to
go so dark?
Because I figured out
that it makes you do
what we both want.
Come on.
We can watch.
[person singing]
[employee] Hey, guys,
how's it going?
Sign up right here.
Do not sign me up.
I'm not doing it
if they call me.
Stay tuned, stay tuned
What is this guy?
It's great.
This is not normal.
This isn't right.
This guy's insane.
He's gotta be, like,
professional or something.
-Hey, you're gonna be fine.
-This is his concert.
This is not open--
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[emcee] That was spectacular.
I would not want to
follow that, people!
That was-- [mimics explosion]
[whistling, cheering]
Next up we have...
Max Stevenson.
No. No. I just got here.
Hey. Hey.
I fucking can't.
I'm not kidding.
Listen. [shushes]
Look me in the eye.
Just imagine that it's me
and Chloe and Channing Tatum.
[emcee] Max Stevenson.
Come on. Let's go!
[applause continues]
You're ready for this.
-Come on.
[whooping, applauding]
Oh, God.
applauding continues]
[cheering, applause fades]
Hi, I'm Max.
I'm gonna sing a song.
A song I like.
[Max clears throat]
[plays piano note]
All through the night
I'll be awake
And I'll be with you
All through the night
This precious time
When time is new
All, all through the night
Knowin' that
We feel the same
Without sayin'
The same
Without sayin'
We have no past
We won't reach back
Keep with me forward
All through the night
And once we start
The meter clicks
And it goes running
All through the night
Until it ends
There is no end
All through the night
Stray dog is crying
So stray dog sings back
Under those
White street lamps
There is a little chance
They may see it
A chance they may see it
Stay with me
All through the night
-[cheering, whistling]
-[audience member] Yeah!
Good boy. Good boy.
You ready
for your interview?
[Max] Yeah?
Aw. [chuckles]
That's so sweet.
Thank you, guys.
Are you sure
you don't mind driving me?
I'm, like, really nervous.
Yeah, of course. We're your
emotional support mammals.
Get off her.
Yes. [laughs]
All right, road trip.
You're gonna do so great.
They're lucky
they get to meet with you.
Do you smell
something funny?
What? No.
Oh, man.
I think
one of them peed.
In the car?
I knew I should have
just got plastic covers
for the seats.
I think it was Chloe.
She went on the carpet
last night too.
You didn't tell me that.
Did you--
Yes, I used
the Nature's Miracle.
[Chloe panting, yelps]
What's going on back there?
I don't know.
They're getting zoomies.
-Can we please
be respectful of the seats?
-[Chloe whines]
She keeps licking her hoo-ha.
What do you mean?
Oh, my God.
I think that
she might be in labor.
I don't think that that was pee.
I think that her water broke.
She's not due for three days!
Yeah, but it's not
an exact science.
Shit, we gotta get to a vet.
What do you mean, a vet?
What about your interview?
A premature delivery
can be really dangerous.
We gotta go, like,
right now!
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Where are we even going?
Google something!
I am.
[car horn honks]
Is she okay?
She's still
licking her hoo-ha.
Is her hoo-ha okay?
And can we please use
proper terms?
She's about to give birth.
We need to be technical.
Okay, technically,
she is licking her vulva.
-I want to try that spot.
-[Max] Nicole!
Okay! Wait.
Wait. Okay, turn right. Now.
Very good.
I think we made a wrong turn.
-What? Is she okay?
-Well, she's--
[Nicole] Oh, my God!
It's happening!
Okay, let's go!
-Why are you puking?
Get the gloves
out of the glove box!
-Wait. Where are they?
-In the glove box!
-Do you need a ginger ale?
-I don't need a ginger ale!
-Something bubbly?
-Good girl.
Get the blanket and lay it out.
-Come on. Lay it out! Here.
-Okay, I got it.
Put the blanket down.
Wait, pull up YouTube.
[whistle blowing]
What are you doing?
Nothing. The dogs are tired.
Just nap time. Sleepy time.
Nap time. Go ahead.
It's probably
your nap time now.
[video narrator]
The female hyena's
birth canal...
That's the best
you could find?
...is only
an inch in diameter...
You can't do that here.
Recess starts in two minutes.
We didn't seek out
the most idyllic birthing spot!
-But there's children.
-They're about to get
a biology lesson!
You're, like, at a ten.
Bring it down.
What the teacher said. Like--
I knew you were a breeder!
[both] Fuck off!
[teacher] Language!
-Where did she come from?
-I don't know.
It's happening.
She's crowning.
That's gross!
[Nicole] Holy shit.
It's coming!
Oh, my God.
It's coming!
It's happening.
[children shouting]
Oh, my God.
That's like--
Oh, my God.
That's a puppy.
Oh, my God.
That's a puppy.
That's a puppy head.
[dog barks]
[Max] Vito Corleone
Michael Corleone
Sonny Corleone
Grand Moff Tarkin
And Babu Frik
[imitates Babu Frik]
-What was that?
-That's Babu Frik.
Don't worry about it.
Were you able to, um,
talk to the admissions office?
Could you reschedule
your interview?
Voice mail.
They haven't responded
to my emails.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
My dad always said
that everything happens
for a reason.
And right now,
I'm meant to be
a doggie grandma.
And I'm happy
with that.
[Nicole moans]
What is it?
Chloe's looking at us.
Chloe? Chloe, can you--
I gotta--
Chloe, come on. Go.
Come on. Chloe, come on.
Go, go, go.
Thank you. Okay.
[Nicole sighs]
[Channing barks]
-Jesus Christ.
Channing Tatum's
watching us.
Come on, buddy. Come on.
Mama's busy. Come on.
Come on.
Okay, just stay in here please.
Okay, good boy.
Holy shit.
No, no, no.
-No, no, no, no!
This is incestuous.
-[Nicole laughs]
-Come on. Get off. Get off.
Channing, no.
-Yeah, but you turned him on.
No, don't say that.
Go! Come on, guys, I--
Oh, man.
[Nicole chuckles]
[laughing] God.
Let's go to the bedroom.
Oh, my God. I got in.
Yeah, I got in.
That's amazing!
Wait. I'm confused.
I don't understand
how this happened.
I was supposed to show
my portfolio in my interview.
Right. Um...
I submitted
a virtual deck.
You what?
I mean, all I did was
put all your stuff together,
and I wrote
a little personal statement
and hit "send."
I mean,
it was just--
I can't believe
that you would do that for me.
We should have
a party to celebrate.
A party? Who are you?
It'll be like
a "you're awesome"
party/puppy shower.
Okay, where are we having
this party?
In the apartment.
Wait a second.
You're telling me you are
going to have actual humans
in your sanctuary?
Obviously they're gonna be
wearing booties and masks.
No, I-- Obviously
I don't think that they will.
Nicole, I don't want you
to move out.
Then I won't.
["Sweet Thing" playing]
[doorbell rings]
Congratulations, my darling.
Thank you, Mom.
So we do have a no shoes
and a hand sanitizer policy.
Sounds like my kind of party.
I thought so.
Thank you.
And I shall watch
The ferry-boats
And they'll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrow's sky
Oh, wow.
And I will never
Grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
Oh, whoa
She's such a sniffer!
Sweet thing, sweet thing
Baby, yeah
Sweet thing
[music fades, continues faintly]
Diane Matthews.
Nicole's mother.
Sid Saliba, Max's father...
figure, role model and boss.
That scarf is chic as shit,
a few seasons ago.
But, ooh,
that nail polish
is beautiful on you.
Really brings your eyes out.
When this party's over...
take me
somewhere sophisticated.
Yes, ma'am.
My, my, my
My-my, my, my, my
And I will raise my hand up
Into the nighttime sky
And count the stars
That's shining in your eye
And just to dig it all
And not to wonder
That's just fine
And I'll be satisfied not to
Read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever
Ever grow so old again
Oh, whoa
Sweet thing
["Growing Up" playing]
Get the gloves
out of the glove box!
Okay. Wait, where are they?
In the glove box!
Okay. They're not in here!
They're not in here.
We don't have them.
Okay, well,
the show must go on. Okay.
It literally
smells like crotch.
It's so bad.
She's still
licking her hoo-ha!
Well, is everything okay
with her-- with her hoo-ha?
And can we please use--
Okay, one more time.
[dog trainer]
Stay! Good girl.
Stay. Stay. Stay.
Bitch pig, huh?
[Max] You want it,
you bitch pig?
Come on.
Let's go.
All right, hold on. Huh?
Who the hell
you think you talkin' to?
Your mother does not
have a hot brother.
Oh, fuck me. [laughs]
You have me in my head
about my teeth now.
[director] Huh?
Let us see your teeth.
Please show us your teeth.
[director] More teeth.
And cut.
[crew laughs]
Puppies, puppies!
[both laugh]
Fuck! Sorry, guys.
We just tooth banged.
That hurt so bad.
Sorry. [laughing]
[director] Let's reset.
We generally do
a short consultation
with the patient.
What type of--
What do you need to--
[laughs] I'm sorry.
Yeah, so what kind of--
[giggles] So sorry.
Okay. Fuck.
[instructor panting]
[Max grunting]
[Max laughs]
Yes, yes. Really good.
Keep finding your place, okay?
You supple little bitch.
[song playing]
[song ends]