Purge of Kingdoms: The Unauthorized Game of Thrones Parody (2019) Movie Script
1
Does that work for you guys?
Was the accent good?
No? I'm not doing it again.
And what the hell
are we looking at here?
Is this
an alien abduction movie?
Change this.
But ruling them
isn't enough for this king.
What's this now? A dark room
full of pot smokers.
This is how we're starting
the movie? Change!
Our story begins here
in this Wild Westerworld.
What the fuck is this?!
You know what? Forget it.
Just start this shit.
Peasants
of Wild Westerworld,
welcome to the sporting event
of the weekend.
It's Aeneas!
It's A-E-N-E-A-S.
Aeneas.
Shit. I think
I'm going to go and, um...
I think I'm going to go to the
tent and have my cock sucked.
Oh, fuck. I think I just...
- I just farted.
- Up we go.
- This smells awful.
- I think I just shat my pants.
Gonna get myself cleaned up.
Fuck off!
Master of Secrets, let's go.
No!
What is this "Anus" shit?
His name is Aeneas!
A-E-N-E-A-S.
You fucking peasants
are so fucking uneducated.
"Anus."
Put the fucking signs away!
Hello, girls.
My name is Anus!
A-N-U-S!
I said wine!
Give me some wine now!
Don't fucking spill it on me,
you fucking idiot!
Yes?
- My lord.
- Yes?
I have seen him.
Who have you seen?
The one who predicts
our future.
The one who makes us envious.
The one who paints pictures
of life and death
with one fell swoop
of a tweet.
You brought me here
for this?
I swear he was out here.
This is boring.
Boring.
Oh!
There!
Wow! Oh, my, he came back!
Man, it's such an honor.
Uh, it's like cool, man.
Wow!
- I've seen your future.
- Yeah, I mean, look at that!
It's so bright,
I gotta wear shades.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Unless you quit the violence
around here,
all you motherfuckers
are gonna die.
Now, I'm telling you.
You wanna be in any more books
or TV shows,
y'all better stop
killing each other.
And it shall be decreed thus.
No longer shall we live
in a land where the defenseless
fall prey to vicious predators
and sexual deviants.
Let us restore the peace which
our ancestors once enjoyed.
Excuse me, my lord,
but there has never been peace
in Wild Westerworld.
- No?
- No, my lord.
Okay, um,
let it thus be decreed
that it is time
to come out of the Dark Ages,
into a new age
of everlasting peace.
And that is why I want you
to join us here
at Kingshire tomorrow,
sundown,
for Purgefest 3000.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, my lord,
but did you say "purge?"
Yes! Yes, you impotent
cocksucker.
Yes, I did.
But isn't a purge
where you violently remove
a group of people?
No, no, no. It's more like
a bar mitzvah with music
and just a few whores.
Make sure they're big tits.
I like the big tits.
You know that.
After you've sent out
the invites,
and everyone comes
to the party,
and we've ushered them
all into the hall,
I want you to make sure
that the doors to the hall
are locked from the outside.
And then I want you
to make sure
that we have plenty
of dragonfire because...
I'm going
to burn everyone alive.
Thank you, thank you.
No, really, really, thank you.
It was nothing.
Now it's your turn,
baby brother.
Brendan, what are you doing?
It's your turn.
Hold on, hold on.
I almost got Miraxus.
Oh.
Flew away.
Hodog.
Our father, Lord Deadard
Stork, is watching,
and so is our
mother, Lady Stork,
and your ginger sister, Sansia,
and the Polish baker,
the Puerto Rican gardener,
the carpenter,
and a guy named Carlos.
Hey!
Okay, okay, which one of you
was a marksman at 10?
I see.
Well, keep practicing, Brendan.
You'll get there soon enough.
I don't want to pressure you
or anything,
but you're embarrassing
our entire house.
Try to at least hit something
near the target this time.
Just shoot.
Ah! Ow, ow, ow!
I'm all right.
I'm okay, I'm fine, it's okay.
So what's happening?
It's stuck.
Oh, well.
We did our best, did we?
That's all they can ask for.
Look! It's him!
My God, he's handsome.
Excuse me.
What's up,
you horny bitches!
Can I get an autograph?
Nothing's up, really.
We're just talking about
going to get some cheeses.
- Right, guys?
- Yeah, yeah.
What about the wall?
The gate is stuck,
Commander Doe.
Well, we'll do this
the old-fashioned way.
Get some help here,
brothers.
- Yes, Commander Doe.
- Yes! Yes!
Pull!
Pull!
Harder! Harder!
Ham, Ham.
Why are you grabbing
my nipples?
Uh, I saw
the other guys helping,
so I thought I'd join in.
How does that help the gate
come down?
Yes? Well, indeed.
Yeah, good point.
Uh, my deepest apologies.
It won't happen again.
It's stuck.
Men, this is what you get
when you let
Lord Trumpet the Orange
build the wall
with the outsiders' money.
Men, get the torches!
There's someone coming.
Hello, everybody!
It's me,
Lord Trumpet of Orange,
and I want to give you
an update on my ratings.
They're incredible.
They're amazing.
They're tremendous.
Talk about the wall, sir.
Shut up, Miller.
This amazing wall,
which I installed
and was paid
for by the brown people,
who, by the way,
did not vote for me.
Very stupid.
It's sad, frankly.
No brown people, sir.
This wall was built
with the finest wood
in all of Wild Westerworld.
And as you can see,
it's huge.
Just like my penis.
My stars!
You are like a stallion
of Valdar!
Ohh! Ride me!
Ride me to the end of the world,
you beast!
Denise, my skanky,
slutty sister, there you are.
Look what just arrived
from Kingshire.
It looks like
an invitation to a party.
When they write
the history of my reign,
it will start today.
How exciting.
What day is it?
February 31st! Now we shall
travel to Kingshire at once
and deliver a special surprise
to our friend, the king.
- I thought you hated the king.
- Of course I hate him.
He's flatulating
all over my throne.
But if you hate him, then why
will you give him a surprise?
Never mind. Pack your things
and bring the savage with you!
Ohh!
Good evening.
We're going to a party
in Kingshire.
Are there snacks?
More snacks
than you can imagine.
Can I come?
Of course you can come!
You're the surprise!
Wait. I'm not popping out
of a cake again.
We're going to give him
our dragon?
No, no, not exactly.
We shall hide Piff
inside a pie,
and the king will cut it,
and then Piff will pop out
and eat the king
in front of everyone,
and I will be the new ruler
of Wild Westerworld.
Did you just say,
"Eat the king?"
Yes, I did.
Do you have a problem with that?
Well, I'm actually
a pescatarian,
so I don't eat any living
creature apart from fish
because they deserve it,
because they're dickheads.
Then just chew his head off
and spit it out.
What do I care?
As long as he dies.
Can I choke him out?
I'm not very good around blood.
Yes, I just need him dead.
Hold on,
I've got a better idea.
What about Killer here?
Uh, no.
You will do the killing.
Well, I've already
named him Killer,
so it just seems appropriate
that he should kill.
I said no.
You will kill him.
Fine, I'll kill him.
He'll be dead to you,
just like you're dead to me.
Meet me by the pile of horseshit
when he's done with you.
Which one?
Diego, my moon and my stars,
can you go harder?
Harder! Harder like you're
taking me to the moon!
Yes! Yes!
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes
Boys
Parties
Style
Fame
She likes
Glamor
Runway
Style
Fame
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh, my God!
It's got like an invitation.
It's a party!
Clearly that's for me.
This is my pool.
Yeah, but...
Thank you!
Phone, Sebastian,
give me my phone.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Me too!
Pack your things
because we're going to a party!
Oh, well, this says
it's like,
"Genocide,
but without the Jews.
And bring your own whores."
Oh, my God, you're right.
We could be the whores!
Oh, my God,
we're gonna be so famous!
Come on, Sebastian!
Why?
Because it's Purgefest.
Duh.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
I told you guys.
I told you we shouldn't
have come here.
No! We're going to die!
Gods, help us!
Where are you going?
You fucking cowards!
Johnny, do something!
Do the hair!
Yeah!
The dance magic!
Yeah, do it, Johnny!
Shake your hair, bitch!
Do it!
Oh, that's hot!
That's hot!
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Go for all of them.
All of them!
Wow!
Fuck me!
Do it, Johnny! Do...
Holy mother of...
Holy shit!
Uncle Tony, Lord of Iron!
Holy shit!
How did you do that?
Screw my suit.
You guys going to Purgefest?
Ah, my family wouldn't
want me there. I'm a bastard.
Your family
won't want you there?
I'm your family!
You know what you need?
You need some makeup.
Make yourself pretty
on the inside.
- Does that work?
- Does it work?
How do you think
I met your mother?
- You know my mother?
- Of course!
- I'm your uncle.
- Who is she?
Listen, go to Purgefest,
you'll meet your mother.
Can't go right now.
I gotta go to Segovia.
I got a hot widow in a castle,
and she's waiting for me.
But you guys,
I'll see you at Purgefest?
- All right, good.
- Later, guys.
So cool.
Everyone has a weird uncle.
Sorry, Father.
I was aiming for the target,
but he was in the way.
It's okay, boy.
Lord Stork, Lady Stork.
The guardsmen have returned
from the hillside.
They captured the deserter
from the wall.
Tell the men
to saddle the horses.
- Brendan, you come with me.
- Are you sure, Deadard?
Don't you think he's too young
to see such things?
He won't be a child forever,
my dear.
This will be
a good lesson for him.
Come on, Brendan.
I will teach you
how to deal with the deserters.
I got peanuts!
Beer!
Toy heads for the kids!
Peanuts! Peanuts!
Is there anything you'd like
to say in your defense
before I deliver your sentence?
Yeah. I know I hopped the wall,
but I'm not a goddamn deserter.
I know I shouldn't have ran,
but I saw what I saw,
so I went as fast
as me legs could carry.
You might think I deserve
to die like a dog.
People won't hear the truth.
Made a cat eat all your ears.
And the devil ate the cat,
and that's all.
Does anyone understand
what this man said?
No.
Very well.
Off with his head.
Yay!
Fucking gobshite.
In the name of
Walter of the House of Falafel...
Cut!
Cut, cut, cut, cut!
We can't hear you!
Where's the boom guy?
- Is he union?
- No!
Yay! I'm free!
In the name of Walter
of the House of Falafel,
I, Deadard, son of Fendrial,
husband of Lady Stork,
lover of Athena, Catrina,
Seraphina, and Salvador,
father of Macauley McCulkin,
Boped, Ariana, Celsia...
Oh, just do it already!
Who said that?
Father. Sorry, I just...
I can't stand
the sight of real blood.
This is the old way, boy.
The man who passes the sentence
must deliver the blow.
Now, put that game down.
Come here.
I'll chop his head off.
Hodog.
You may go.
My boy will hold him down.
Now hold him. Hold still.
Steady.
I told you to stay steady!
Here comes Lady Stork.
Don't say a word.
Oh, hello, my dear.
What brings you here?
Where's Brendan?
He had a small accident,
but it's nothing
the maester can't fix.
We just received an invitation
to Kingshire for Purgefest 3000.
What is that?
A party to purge all violence
from the kingdoms.
That is wonderful!
I think that
you should go alone.
Our enemies will be there,
and it may be dangerous
for the children.
- What say you?
- Father!
Prince Jizzy will be there,
and I must meet him.
He's the love of my life.
I'm going to marry him.
I want to lie naked
in his bed
while he drizzles hot honey
all over my body.
Now, now, don't get upset.
There's no safer place
in the entire realm
than Kingshire, my dear.
I'm certain that nothing bad
will happen to us.
My children, pack your bags.
We're going to the capital!
And now the benevolent,
the magnificent,
and the extremely dignified
Prince Jizzy!
That's my boy!
Ladies, ladies
All the sexy ladies
Longing for a prince
like me
Some of them
be cherry red
Some be lewd
and some be shrewd
All longing
for a prince like me
Mongrel,
you're in the wrong key!
I believe it is the right one,
Your Grace.
What did you say?
That you are right,
Your Grace.
I believe the only right key
is the one that will open
the door to this shithole,
so we can all get out before
this penis starts singing again.
What did you call me?
Your Mostly Honorable...
Prince Jizzy, of course.
That's what I thought.
Mongrel, kill him!
Mommy!
Ha! That's it!
Run to mommy, ya bitch.
Mongrel,
go play something for me.
Go!
Mommy!
I like my boy strong.
Ooh!
Yes!
Now, good boy.
Did you get your invitation
to Purgefest?
I got it.
It's a good plan.
What are you talking about?
It's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
Just another one of my husband's
stupid, bloody ideas
that drunk bastard...
What?
It's a brilliant opportunity
to kill him.
What did you say?
I said Purgefest
is an excellent opportunity
to kill your husband.
You're not just
a beautiful face, are you?
You've got stuff going on
up there.
I love it
when you talk dirty to me.
After the king is dead,
our son will take the throne.
- Jizzy?
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy?
- Jizzy.
Jizzy!
Jizzy!
Ohh!
Mother?
Hello, s-s-s...
Nephew.
I heard someone in this
direction calling my name.
Oh?
Oh, honey, you must be
hearing things.
Why don't you go run along
and play with yourself?
I'm not finished
with your uncle.
Can I go shoot peasants
with my crossbow?
No, honey, not today.
I just can't be bothered
with any maimed bumpkins
whining with their retched
families at the castle gates.
- Please, Mother!
- Not today!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's this?
Is this a toy from the future?
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Give your uncle his hand back!
Give your uncle
his hand back now!
No way!
It's too much fun!
No!
You know what?
Darling.
I changed my mind.
You can go shoot
the peasants now, darling.
Thank you, Mother.
Hello, everybody.
Have you noticed the beautiful
white swans behind me?
They remind me
of my favorite type of people:
Graceful and white.
Very, very white.
Inclusivity, sir.
They are so beautiful,
and they love me for
bringing them into this world,
almost as much as my beautiful
Russian mail-order bride.
And you know what the
best part about the swans is?
They're just as racist as I am.
Non-racist, sir.
Non-racist as I am.
It's so beautiful out here.
I wonder who planted
all these trees.
Must've spent a fortune
in gardeners.
Hey, where are you going,
you asswipe?
Come back here!
I'll sue you.
- Where'd he go?
- I can't believe he did that.
Let's get out.
Okay. Let's check it.
Whoa!
Okay, I'm fine.
Okay.
Where did he go?
- Oh, no. Your tit's hanging out
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, put it away for once.
No one can see.
Yeah, that's true.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
You've got to be
kidding me right now.
When you meet your gods,
tell them Shaggy,
son of Scooby,
from the Rock, Paper,
Scissor clan sent you.
Please don't kill me.
And...
Tell me...
where do women of your physique
come from?
The hills of Beverly.
Do they all have
the same curves as you?
Most do, yes,
if they can afford it.
I think we may
have to visit someday!
After we kill you.
What?
- Get out!
- Just do it.
Okay, okay.
Mr. Shaggy, my name is Clueless
of House Kardushian.
Tell me, Clueless,
how would you like to die?
Choking on a gallon of
mint chocolate chip ice cream
in my Jacuzzi,
while having sex with you.
The fat one's
got a sense of humor!
Take her as a slave
and kill the other one.
- What?
- What?
Who are you calling fat,
bitch!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, she's feisty.
Give me back my hammer
or the family dies.
Hang on a second!
How many followers
do you have?
I have five followers.
How do you expect me
to take you seriously
if you only have
five followers?
How many do you have?
Thousands.
Where are they?
They're in here.
And when I make my sex tape,
I'll have millions
and millions of followers.
Well, join the club!
Everyone does that
around here.
Really?
Oh, yeah!
Practically all the time.
Yeah!
How am I supposed
to get famous now?
Somebody say famous?
Me.
Me famous?
I can make
all you bitches famous.
- Can we take a selfie?
- Oh, my God, yeah!
Okay, duck face.
Famous!
Your Majesty.
Shut up!
I'm... I'm hunting.
- My apologizes, my lord.
- Yes!
You've done it again,
Your Majesty.
First shot.
Very good.
Take that beast
and give it to the cook
for tonight's feast.
The event is just
hours away, my lord.
Yes.
The, um...
Yes, spit it out.
The dragonfire
has disappeared.
Dragonfire has disappeared?
How does the dragonfire...
How does the dragonfire
disappear?
I'm afraid I do not know,
my lord.
I'm going to explain
one thing to you.
You're gonna get rid of
all those people tonight.
I don't care how you do it.
You throw them off
the castle wall.
You drown them in the moat.
Feed them to the little beasties
of the fucking forest.
Use your imagination,
will ya, man?
I'll think of something.
Hold my wine.
Ah, come here,
you little bastard.
Any more bad news
for the king today?
Lord Deadard Stork and
his family are about to arrive.
Would you like to greet him?
Well, yes,
of course I'd like to greet
my dear long-lost friend.
I mean, why didn't you bring
that up in the first place?
Do you wanna tell me,
you fucking...
The king is like
a feather in the air.
He goes whichever way
the wind blows.
And right now
Deadard is blowing him hard.
Oh, that's lovely.
Good work. Yes.
Ah, there we go.
Lord Trumpet's wall.
Journal entry number one.
It's cold as shit out here
in the middle of nowhere
as we look for nothing
for no reason whatsoever.
The story of my life.
A bastard life.
I'm bored.
We can be on our way
to Purgefest right now.
No one wants
two more bastards.
Oh, come on.
Half of the people
in this kingdom are bastards,
and the other half
are just inbred morons.
Besides, there will be women,
entertainment, chesses.
Hmm? All the essentials.
I'm a bastard child
Living on a wall
With 40 celibate men
Uh, wait.
I didn't want to scare you,
but I received a note
from an owl earlier
that said the Storks
might be in danger.
When did you see an owl?
Uh, it-it was when I...
When I went to the bathroom.
I've been with you all day.
Who sent it?
It was anonymous.
I've never heard of him.
Where is it?
I-I burned it.
Why would you
burn the message?
Because I was afraid it would
get into the wrong hands.
Look, we can
discuss this forever,
but the point is
we don't have much time.
If we don't head out now,
your family might be killed.
My family doesn't
want to see me.
Oh, bloody hell.
Are you going to sit here
moping all day
about not having a mother?
Or are you going to get up
and do something?
Let's go to Purgefest
right now!
Both of us.
Let's do it.
Yes, you're right.
- Pack your bags.
- Yes.
- Get your best dress.
- Yes!
I'll get the car.
We're going to Purgefest!
Yes!
Yes, let's do it, Johnny!
Don't tell me you're playing
that stupid game again.
It's not stupid.
I like it.
Promise me you won't play
with it while were in Kingshire.
Promise.
Hodog, no playing.
Hodog, Hodog.
Your Grace.
You look old.
And you're so fat,
the last time
they took out the catapult,
they thought
you were the boulder.
Just like the old days!
- Your Grace.
- Hello, darling.
Tight as a fist,
as always, hmm?
And where are
the little ones?
Ooh!
Not so little anymore,
are ya, Little Bobby?
Tortured any defenseless
little puppies lately?
Oh! You must be
the tomboy, hmm?
Ohh! Hmm?
Hello in there!
Ohh!
Oh, it's the pretty
little girly one.
She loves to play with
the little dollies, does she?
The little dollies! Ohh!
Ah! And what have we here?
We have the athletic little one.
Up and down.
Show us those legs.
I like pussy.
Hodog.
Oh.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
Mm.
Welcome to Kingshire.
Mi casa, su casa.
Meet the family.
Come here!
This is Cursey, my wife.
And Johnny.
"Bang Bang Johnny"
we call him.
Because he likes to bang
anything that fucking moves.
And Jizzy, my boy.
I'm so fucking proud of him.
Great shot with that thing.
I think he looks just like you.
He does, does he?
Tell me about this Purgefest.
Why this big party
all of the sudden?
You've never done anything
like this before.
Well, excuse us.
We've got a little talk.
Come on.
You're the best friend I have
in the whole wide world,
so I'm gonna be honest with you.
This isn't a party.
I'm gonna just
kill the competition
before it kills me, right?
You're becoming paranoid.
Everyone loves you.
Me? I'd give my left testicle
for you!
That's 'cause you're a moron.
Call me what you will.
But I still believe
in the old ways:
Loyalty, honesty,
character, and integrity.
Okay, I'll go get a snack.
While I figure out
how to murder
every single one of them.
That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen.
At least use a fork and knife,
you pig.
And what's taking you so long?
I'd like to keep moving.
You are an embarrassment
to me and our entire family.
When I rule the Eight Kingdoms,
I will have
to educate you properly.
You can't just be
on a rocking horse
with that beast of yours
and dining on horse parts
with your bare hands!
We're about to produce
the greatest dynasty
the world has ever known.
We are dragons!
Well, I'm a dragon.
I don't know what you are.
- Actually, I'm the dragon.
- How dare you correct me!
You say I'm the dragon.
You say I'm the dragon!
- You're the drag...
- Say I'm the dragon!
- You're the dragon.
- And don't you forget it.
And by the way...
Aaahh!
That's what a real dragon
sounds like.
Take it easy.
Diego's going to get mad.
So what if he gets mad?
The imbecile doesn't even
speak the common tongue.
He's getting pissed.
He may not speak it,
but he understands it.
I want to go! Now!
I want the crown I deserve!
Okay, what did he say?
He said he'll give you
your crown.
No! What?
Denise, what's happening?
What is he doing
with that bucket?
No, you keep that
away from me.
I am the king!
A crown for a king!
No!
- I think he's dead.
- S.
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please, thank you.
Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum.
I have stolen
all the dragonfire
and hidden it
in the basement.
Yes.
When all the families
sit down for the feast,
I will burn them,
and you and I will be
the new rulers of the kingdom!
Yes! I got you,
you nasty little devil.
Now, wait till I tell
all of my friends about you.
They won't believe it.
Get him!
Quite the little pervert,
aren't you?
What's happening?
What's going on?
I was just up here
having some fun.
Having some fun?
Is that what you call it?
I was playing with my dragon.
Clobbering the creature, yes?
- Popping the beast.
- Chasing the serpent?
Tickling the lizard?
We get it.
What are you doing?
You're going to kill him.
I'm saving our asses.
The kid is just playing
Dragon Bone.
Right.
Can I have
my Dragon Bone back, please?
This does nothing but
numb your brain
and get you in trouble.
No! My Dragon Bone!
It's okay.
The game... still works.
He's still alive.
It's a miracle.
I saw the best joust match
the other day.
Anus stuck the tip of his lance
into the other guy's neck.
There was blood
gushing everywhere.
It was pretty fun.
Sounds interesting.
No, I don't.
Do it.
Okay!
What is it, my sweet lady?
Does Mongrel bother you?
Away with you, Mongrel!
You're scaring my lady!
There. Now it's just
the two of us.
So...
what do you like to do
for fun?
I sew, cook,
masturbate, clean.
Twice a day
in that order.
A traditional woman.
I like that.
I'm not into these woman
who want to work
or fight or talk.
Take that, fatty!
You'll never defeat me!
Don't worry, milady,
I've got this!
Why should I be worried?
- You're safe with me.
- From what?
Surrender your weapon,
fat boy!
Let go of my girl's sister,
or I'll slice you in half
like a loaf of bread.
Hey, man, relax.
I'm not a man.
I'm your prince.
Dude, seriously.
Stop messing around.
We're actors on a movie.
Don't move.
I saw it with my own eyes.
You attacked her
with your sword.
No, he didn't.
He's my friend
This?
It's just a stick.
Do you want it?
En garde!
- Don't, Jizzy!
- Quiet, my lady.
No one can defeat me
in combat.
Now fight me like a man!
Ohh!
How dare you
hit your prince.
You aren't a prince.
- You're a penis.
- What did she call me?
She called you
a prince, sir.
You're nothing but
a little penis.
A walking, talking penis.
Admit it to everybody here that
you are nothing but a penis.
Never.
Say it!
No!
No! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Mommy! Ow! Mommy!
Why don't people like me?
They're jealous of you, sir.
Am I good-looking?
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
You hesitated for a bit there.
No, no, I didn't.
- Look, you did it again.
- No.
You... You're doing...
Oh, all right, all right.
All right, fuck you!
You think you're ever
gonna be king, my boy?
You've got another thing coming.
You're always gonna be
a little prince
who's got a little dick.
This is the biggest dick
you're ever gonna see, my boy.
In this water,
this reflection,
is the only dick
you're ever gonna have.
So are you guys coming with us
to Purgefest or what?
I don't know.
I don't know if that place
is our scene, really.
Who is that?
The fat one?
No, the one with the hair.
He's so hot.
You two need to leave!
There is no place for you
in here.
Now leave before
I smash you with my hammer!
Oh, uh, I see.
Well, I think I saw another inn
a few steps from here.
Maybe we should go to that one,
shouldn't we?
Yeah.
Why should we leave?
We have the same right
to be here as any of you.
Is that so?
Men!
On the bar. On the bar!
The maester says
it's a miracle he's still alive.
Help. Help!
Our boy is strong.
He will survive. You'll see.
I think someone pushed him
out of that tower, Deadard.
I think he saw something
he shouldn't have seen,
and they tried
to murder him.
Come on!
Who would do such a thing?
Johnny and Cursey!
I don't know!
The Boltons, the Freys,
the High Pigeon.
Could've been anyone.
Maybe even Elay, my sister.
That's outrageous!
Those are all the nice families
you're talking about.
Elay, my sister,
would never hurt a child.
Hodog.
We have to watch our backs,
Deadard.
You never know who would
stab us in the back.
I think you need to rest.
You're becoming paranoid
like the rest of them.
Wait, wait, wait!
Where you going?
I'm going to get
to the bottom of this!
Lord Stork, the king would like
to talk to you in private.
Yes, of course.
I'll be there.
What's happening?
What's happening?
Ham!
You A-hole!
I'm sorry!
Next! Step right up,
step right up!
Who wants to kill
a bastard?
Here, mate.
I'll take those two.
You bastard.
Come on.
I wasn't any good, was I?
I wasn't any good.
I want to fuck!
Hello.
Having a wonderful time here.
Oh, God, I miss your sister.
You know, the old days,
they were beautiful.
Your sister was a real goer.
She was such a partier,
with the little tits
and that ass of hers.
Ah, she was wonderful.
She reminds me of you.
How do you keep your stomach
flat like that?
I have to get on a diet.
I mean, I'm good in bed,
but I'm not like your sister.
She could take 45 people
in one go.
One time I saw her with a
camel with it all in her mouth.
It was quite beautiful
in some horrific kind of way.
Anyway, do you wanna have
a little shot with this one?
Wanna have a little shot?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How can I help you, my lord?
What I...
Oh, I do need a favor
from you.
Whatever it is,
you can count on me, my lord.
You're like my brother.
Yes, all right.
Don't interrupt the king.
Now, you know
that I am surrounded
by a bunch of moneygrubbing
ass-licking,
scummy little piggy, alcoholic
people in this kingdom,
and somebody is going to try
and kill me tonight, okay?
Listen, listen,
we already discussed this.
Don't you...
Don't fear the ungrounded.
No one would dare
harm a king.
Okay, well, I happen
to disagree with you,
and therefore I'm going to
command you to protect the realm
for my little
jizzy-wizzy boy,
so he can come and take
all of the things
and have it all, okay?
You can count on me, my lord.
I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
All right, go on now.
You want to have a little shot?
'Cause I'm gonna go again.
Come here.
Mmm.
That column won't hit back,
you know.
Who are you?
I am a master dancer,
lover,
and the best swordsman
you have ever seen!
My name is Zorrio Furrel.
Oh, the grip is a bit slippery.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
Chasing rats!
- Part of your training?
- No.
The rodent situation
in Kingshire is out of hand.
Sword.
Here. Catch this sword.
Looks like your reflexes
could use some practice.
Pick up your weapon.
That is not the way, boy!
I'm a girl.
That cannot be true.
Anyway...
this is how you
pick up a sword.
Ugh!
Ooh! Ooh!
I am just showing you
how not to do it. Ah!
Wouldn't want to knock
yourself in the giggle berries.
I don't have giggle berries.
I'm a girl!
Oh, the sword is all
badly balanced.
Last time.
That is how you do it!
Now get into
the fighting position.
That is not
the fighting position.
Turn to me side-faced!
Sideways.
Yes, that is what I said:
Side-faced.
I have been the first swordsman
of the Bravados for 20 years.
You must listen to me, boy!
I'm a girl!
No way.
Where are your boobies then?
- I'm like ten!
- Very well then.
Turn side-faced!
Good. Now try to strike me.
Ooh! Ooh, you...
I wasn't expecting that.
I'm sorry.
You knocked the wind
out of me.
Let me help you up.
You have to wait for me
to say go, okay?
Go.
Not above the shoulders!
Don't have the proper gear
for that!
You're only supposed to hit me
in this section here.
Follow me.
I will teach you to Fandango!
And then perhaps you will become
a great swordsman like me.
Fandango!
Yeah! There! Ol!
Ol!
Ariana, what in the name of
the Old Guard are you doing?
Zorrio was teaching me
to Fandango.
Zorrio Furrel at your service.
We must go.
Purgefest is about to begin.
Yes, Father.
Keep practicing
and you will go far.
I must go to chase the rats.
Good luck, boy!
Hello, everybody!
It's me, Lord Trumpet,
here at the tremendous
Trumpet Maze.
Everyone loves this maze.
You know why?
Because only white people
can get through it
and brown people get trapped.
Sir! Sir, I'm stuck!
Sir, I need help.
Sir!
Sir, I can't get out! Sir!
Total loser.
Oh, no, Johnny.
Ohh!
What did you do, KK?
Why'd you have to stab him?
- I didn't stab him.
- Yes, you did.
You're a murderer.
Admit it.
I didn't do it.
Okay, if you didn't,
then you did it!
I didn't do it.
I saw you do it.
Me? No! I would never
kill John Doe.
You sure about that?
Oh, no, I did.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Okay, well, let's just get him
into the back room, okay?
Oh, yeah.
- Sam, come on!
- Okay, let's go.
Oh, God.
Eight hundred paces,
and we'll be in Kingshire.
I will be the first female ruler
of all of Wild Westerworld.
My destiny awaits.
Do you have horse heart
by any chance?
Horse heart?
Oh, sure.
- Okay.
- Can you make a sad face?
Okay, let's go this way.
Oh, no.
Oh, Johnny, what do we do?
What do we do?
His clothes, rip them off.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Help, Kocky.
No chance.
Can you get his...
Hello, lady-boys.
Oh, look who it is.
It's the Red Sorceress.
Perhaps she can
bring him back to life.
Uh, that's not
the Red Sorceress.
That's our stepdad,
Trans Jenner.
All right, I'm out.
What's going on?
That man saved us
from the bad people,
and now he's dead
Why are his clothes
coming off?
I just wanted to see
what he looked like naked.
Oh, is that what
you're looking for?
I can just tell you
what it looks like.
Oh, he's so, so warm.
And so, so soft.
Leave the room.
I can't make any promises.
I need to work
my jazz fingers.
- Come on, Clueless.
- No, I... I'm not done!
Ooh!
At least light a match.
My sun and my stars...
May I borrow your ponytail?
My hair is falling
all over my...
Aah!
Here.
Take it.
Burn him.
Qu?
Lets go conquer
the Eight Kingdoms.
Sorry, buddy.
Dad, are you gonna be
much longer?
They just burned a man alive
in the pub.
I'm just doing some magic.
What do you need?
Just wanted to make sure
everything is okay!
Yes, everything is fine!
Just let me finish!
Okay, I will!
Ugh!
My boy!
What has happened?
Who did this?
Who are you?
What are you doing
in my son's room?
- What's that up there?
- Where?
That's a funny place
to keep a rabbit.
Show your face, you coward!
Show your face!
- Hodog!
- Stay in bed, my boy.
I will catch the man
who was trying to kill you!
What happened to me?
You were dead.
I just blew you
back to life.
You're not gonna
put it in there, are you?
Too late!
Who is that?
That's Summer.
Summer is coming.
That must be him.
I don't know how you manage
to do all of us at once.
You're a true master.
If I told you my secret,
I'd have to kill you both.
Ooh! Right.
So close your eyes now.
Come on.
Both of you, close your eyes.
That's it.
You can open them now!
Your time is up, troll!
You're coming with us!
Where to?
Grab him.
Excuse me.
- Put me down, you shit!
- Come on, troll!
Wait, I didn't get a chance
to punch my frequent doer card.
Ah, keep it
in your pants, troll.
Tell me brother!
Hodog. Hodog!
Please, look, please!
Git! Come on, come on!
Ooh!
Please, look, please.
We have to be reasonable
about this here.
If you explain what it is
that you want,
I'm sure we can sort it.
If I'm not at the Purgefest
in the next couple of hours,
all my family is gonna
come looking for me!
Why'd you do it?
Why did I do what?
Why did you do it?
If you explain to me
what it is that I did,
perhaps I can tell you
why I did it!
Ooh! Aah!
Ah, bloody hell.
I think I'm chafing
from all the walking already.
Oh, John,
you wouldn't happen to have
some of that oil
you put on your hair
to rub on my thighs,
would you?
- Oh!
- What? What is it?
Is the flash too bright?
No, no.
We need to get out of here.
There is no way
I'm leaving this party early.
Stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know the future,
and shit's about to pop off.
Quick, take a photo of me
holding the statue's tiny penis.
Okay, how's that?
Do I look like I'm holding it?
Yeah, right on it.
Is that small enough?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Stop!
Guys!
I just farted.
Down. Quiet.
Seriously, it's like
a Dutch oven in here.
Ooh, grapes. Mmm!
Can't be discovered.
- More grapes, more grapes!
- Shh!
Where is your mother
and your brother?
Purgefest is about to begin.
Welcome
to Purgefest 2... 3000.
For as long
as I can remember,
my kingdom has been, uh...
Well, it's been known for its
sexual perversions, isn't it?
And for its corruption.
Violence, its betrayals,
and its bloodshed.
We're gonna put an end
to all that.
There's gonna be
no more raping
and no more killing
around here.
We're gonna hand in
our smartphones
'cause I don't want
no more pornography.
And were gonna hand in
all of our weapons,
and I mean everything.
I mean no more
kitchen knives,
no more forks,
nothing you can do nothing with.
Didn't they read
the invite?
Most of the people
in our kingdom
are illiterate, my lord.
They just heard there was
free food and a party.
I have the king
just where I want him.
Now, after just a little
manipulation
of Johnny Bang Bang,
then it's just a matter of time
before I mount the throne.
Enough!
I'm the fucking king!
And I declare
that anyone participating
in these violent activities
is gonna be expelled
from the Eight Kingdoms.
What?
The Storks have kidnapped
my little brother.
I demand he be released
immediately.
Wait a minute. No, I mean,
you told me this morning
you wanted that little fella
punished, didn't you?
Yes. I despise him.
But he is still
my little brother.
I can't allow a Stork to kidnap
someone with my own blood.
If they don't return him
to us immediately,
you must ban them
from the Eight Kingdoms,
according to the declaration
you just made.
Come on,
you wretched scuzzball.
Gonna get you already.
Hold still!
Speak, troll!
Meet your gods as an honest man!
Confess!
Never! Oww!
All right, I confess,
I confess.
I choked him,
and I slapped him all around
the floor till he bled.
- I'm an evil man!
- Who are you talking about?
The Lord Commander
of the Southern Forces.
He's here!
In my pants.
Would you like to meet him?
Tell me the truth.
All right, all right,
I confess.
I'm the reason why
all the dragons are extinct.
I screwed them all
into their extinction.
I built the wall
with my wank hammer.
I stabbed a crazy king
with my flesh saber.
That's enough!
You tried to kill my son!
Oh, well, why would I
want to kill your son?
I don't know!
You tell me!
Ohh!
What, no more wax?
Yes! I got you!
Hodog, Hodog, Hodog.
Hodog!
Oh, shit.
What was that?
The king into fireworks?
What the fuck is that?
Well, I guess we know...
what happened
to the dragonfire now.
You check it out.
I'll take care of the troll.
Yes, Mother.
Ohh. Ooh, ooh!
You're turning me on, you...
Now we will have to find
some other way to kill the king.
Whoever did this
must have known our plans.
Bobb, where's your mother?
She has the troll. She's trying
to make him confess.
You must tell her to bring him
to the feast immediately,
or our entire family's gonna be
banned from the Eight Kingdoms!
Yes, Father, I shall go now.
This was the work
of a true genius.
Yes!
I did it!
I got the bone!
I am the dragon master!
- How are you guys?
- This is so much fun.
Commander.
I've come to help.
John, I thought
you were at the wall.
I heard you were
in trouble, Father.
Who told you
we might be in trouble?
My friend Ham.
Ham?
The fat guy?
No, just one bite.
No.
No, I'm...
Come on.
Deadard, where is the troll?
I know nothing about the troll.
I swear it to it!
He's lying. Look at him.
Release him at once
or be banished
from the kingdom, my brother.
Bros before ho's.
Here he is, Your Grace.
This troll
tried to murder my son.
That's not true!
- I'm innocent!
- Ugh!
That's a very low thing
that you did there, troll.
I'm gonna have to
cut you down to size.
Since you're in the arena,
I demand a trial by...
twerking.
What's twerking?
Allow me, Your Grace,
to defend my family's honor.
No, bastard.
As the firstborn,
I shall defend
my mother's honor.
The two of you, sit down.
I am the one who must
defend my wife's honor.
Hey!
I will twerk the troll
to death!
Wait a second!
You're four times
the size of me!
I demand a champion.
I have the right!
Well, who's your champion
going to be?
I name my nephew,
Jizzy Lays-my-sister.
Let's see him twerk!
I can't twerk.
I'm just... a dick.
Ha! About time
you admitted it.
Right.
I choose... Hodog!
Hodog.
Show him, Dad!
- Help!
- Yep, yep.
Not yet.
I do not wish
to continue this battle.
I will spare Hodog's life
and let the troll live.
I demand nothing in return.
He was my friend.
He could've been somebody,
instead of a bum.
Deadard, no!
Die!
I... want... you...
to... die!
My own wife.
My own beautiful wife.
What happened to you?
Jizzy is not your son.
Yeah, but he really looks
just like me.
I'm king.
I'm king!
Yes, son, of course you're king.
You're king.
I'm king.
And you're mine.
Okay, guards,
kill all the Storks.
Kill them all!
Kill everyone!
Wait! Except Sansia.
I want to give her
a pearl necklace and a foot rub.
That's it. Shh.
You want some, do ya?
Do ya?
That's it. Shh.
Hey, come here,
you little bastard!
Go back to the wall!
Die!
Hodog!
Hodog! Hodog!
Who wants to see
a magic trick?
I'm melting!
Melting!
Melting, melting!
This is Trumpet Arena,
the greatest arena in the world!
I own it!
I strongly advise you
to leave the area, sir.
I am so sick of you, Miller.
You don't know anything!
But I just want
to protect you, sir.
We could've
made America great again.
Idiot!
People of Wild Westerworld,
- I've done everything for you,
- Dragon Bone.
And all I ask in return
is that you capture
that woman
and grab her by the pussy.
Grab her by the pussy!
Oh, man!
Well, if it isn't John Doe.
How's the life
of an inbred prince?
It's going great. How's life
in your Mexican gardener?
Let's go, princess.
Hello, princess.
Killed another Mexican.
I told you motherfuckers
y'all was gonna die.
Yippee!
The throne is mine!
The goddamn throne...
is mine!
Whoa!
Seven kingdoms.
Now all perished.
Death is certain.
Life is not.
But not in this movie.
You didn't think we were gonna
kill everybody, did you?
Come on, man,
this is Hollywood,
We need a sequel.
It goes lights,
camera, action
When I step into
the limelight
Easily adapted
to the high life
Dressed to impress
like it's prom night
And when you living
top shelf
You know you gotta
set the bar high
Had the same dream
since we was kids
Big chips, big cars,
and even bigger cribs
Never thought that it would
happen just the way it did
Fast forward that now
It's just the way we live
There's good food and drinks
My mood makes you think
That this life's
made for a king
The room starts
to shake so smooth
If you blink, you might
just miss the whole thing
It's just a different way
to move
Living the high life
So many different things
to do
Living the high life
There's good food and drinks
My mood makes you think
That this life's
made for a king
So many different things
to do
Living the high life
And now it's girls, girls,
girls I adore
The coupe only sit two,
but in the back I got four
Talking about this high life,
I mean as high as it go
That's kites, planes, clouds,
the bank accounts that I own
Funny thing it all started
from a pen and a poem
Good evening.
It's Piff, the magic dragon.
I'm here with one of the...
Well, the sole funder,
actually, of this movie,
Mr. Donald J. Trump.
Yes, Donald J. Trump.
The J is for John.
For John?
I thought it was for Jesus.
So you produced
Purge of Thrones,
and you're
one of the characters.
Tell us, how did you
audition for the role?
Uh, good question.
This is the skin I shedded
like a snake,
at least three weeks ago.
We're here with two of
our lovely cast members.
Would you like
to introduce yourselves?
First of all,
I'm just lovely without "this."
- What's this?
- You did it.
Yeah, "lovely."
I was just emphasizing it.
You said you had
a penis voice.
What's your penis voice?
My penis voice
is a little deep.
How's it going, Mum?
Living the
Mother of Dragons dream.
What is that dream?
Uh, conquering
the Eight Kingdoms.
- Eight Kingdoms?
- Yeah, I think.
And what are these kingdoms?
Gosh, I don't know.
Does it really matter?
Apparently not.
- Do you want some?
- Yeah.
So tell us about
Purge of Thrones.
Are you gonna have
the whole thing or...
Yeah, I'm a growing dragon.
This is the castle
they've given me to reside in
for the rest of my life.
They originally thought
it was to the end of the shoot,
but actually I took out a word
and replaced it with "life."
So this is now
my genuine castle.
Some of it is on flames, yep.
We just put some of it on fire.
We got about 20 minutes before
that place burns to the ground,
and we lose yet another
English heritage site.
During the process,
what moments led you
to feel most in tune
with yourself on set?
- Whiskey.
- Whiskey, great.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You were great. Good job.
Thank you very much.
Can I get some cake?
What is it that you enjoy most
about Purge of Thrones?
Well, obviously everyone
'cause everyone's been great.
Most people
just say the money.
No, because
I'm not gonna get paid.
Yeah, I'm just
hanging around here.
Guess it's how they afford
everyone else's exorbitant fees.
Exactly.
How am I supposed to answer
serious questions
to a man who's
dressed like this?
- I'm a genuine magic dragon.
- It's just not going to work.
I'm directing this,
I wrote this,
and I'm funding this.
This is gonna be
the biggest film
in the history of film since,
what, the Titanic,
which is huge.
But this is gonna sweep
the Academy Awards next year.
Just sweep it.
We're gonna make purging
great again.
No one purges like me.
No one!
- Make purging great again?
- Yes.
That's what we're going for.
I don't think I'm getting paid
enough gold for this, guys.
All of this is lies.
It's a bunch of crap. It's crap.
These guys are losers.
They're lightweights.
They're nobodies.
They don't know me.
They don't know
how great I am.
All that they do is spread
disinformation about me.
I'm so sick of watching
this crap every single night.
They don't know me.
They don't know
how tremendous I am.
They don't know
how fantastic I am,
what a great guy I am,
what a great businessman I am.
This is all just fake news!
Every single night
is just fake news about me!
And I'm a really,
really nice guy,
and I shouldn't be
picked on like this!
Pence!
Does that work for you guys?
Was the accent good?
No? I'm not doing it again.
And what the hell
are we looking at here?
Is this
an alien abduction movie?
Change this.
But ruling them
isn't enough for this king.
What's this now? A dark room
full of pot smokers.
This is how we're starting
the movie? Change!
Our story begins here
in this Wild Westerworld.
What the fuck is this?!
You know what? Forget it.
Just start this shit.
Peasants
of Wild Westerworld,
welcome to the sporting event
of the weekend.
It's Aeneas!
It's A-E-N-E-A-S.
Aeneas.
Shit. I think
I'm going to go and, um...
I think I'm going to go to the
tent and have my cock sucked.
Oh, fuck. I think I just...
- I just farted.
- Up we go.
- This smells awful.
- I think I just shat my pants.
Gonna get myself cleaned up.
Fuck off!
Master of Secrets, let's go.
No!
What is this "Anus" shit?
His name is Aeneas!
A-E-N-E-A-S.
You fucking peasants
are so fucking uneducated.
"Anus."
Put the fucking signs away!
Hello, girls.
My name is Anus!
A-N-U-S!
I said wine!
Give me some wine now!
Don't fucking spill it on me,
you fucking idiot!
Yes?
- My lord.
- Yes?
I have seen him.
Who have you seen?
The one who predicts
our future.
The one who makes us envious.
The one who paints pictures
of life and death
with one fell swoop
of a tweet.
You brought me here
for this?
I swear he was out here.
This is boring.
Boring.
Oh!
There!
Wow! Oh, my, he came back!
Man, it's such an honor.
Uh, it's like cool, man.
Wow!
- I've seen your future.
- Yeah, I mean, look at that!
It's so bright,
I gotta wear shades.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Unless you quit the violence
around here,
all you motherfuckers
are gonna die.
Now, I'm telling you.
You wanna be in any more books
or TV shows,
y'all better stop
killing each other.
And it shall be decreed thus.
No longer shall we live
in a land where the defenseless
fall prey to vicious predators
and sexual deviants.
Let us restore the peace which
our ancestors once enjoyed.
Excuse me, my lord,
but there has never been peace
in Wild Westerworld.
- No?
- No, my lord.
Okay, um,
let it thus be decreed
that it is time
to come out of the Dark Ages,
into a new age
of everlasting peace.
And that is why I want you
to join us here
at Kingshire tomorrow,
sundown,
for Purgefest 3000.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, my lord,
but did you say "purge?"
Yes! Yes, you impotent
cocksucker.
Yes, I did.
But isn't a purge
where you violently remove
a group of people?
No, no, no. It's more like
a bar mitzvah with music
and just a few whores.
Make sure they're big tits.
I like the big tits.
You know that.
After you've sent out
the invites,
and everyone comes
to the party,
and we've ushered them
all into the hall,
I want you to make sure
that the doors to the hall
are locked from the outside.
And then I want you
to make sure
that we have plenty
of dragonfire because...
I'm going
to burn everyone alive.
Thank you, thank you.
No, really, really, thank you.
It was nothing.
Now it's your turn,
baby brother.
Brendan, what are you doing?
It's your turn.
Hold on, hold on.
I almost got Miraxus.
Oh.
Flew away.
Hodog.
Our father, Lord Deadard
Stork, is watching,
and so is our
mother, Lady Stork,
and your ginger sister, Sansia,
and the Polish baker,
the Puerto Rican gardener,
the carpenter,
and a guy named Carlos.
Hey!
Okay, okay, which one of you
was a marksman at 10?
I see.
Well, keep practicing, Brendan.
You'll get there soon enough.
I don't want to pressure you
or anything,
but you're embarrassing
our entire house.
Try to at least hit something
near the target this time.
Just shoot.
Ah! Ow, ow, ow!
I'm all right.
I'm okay, I'm fine, it's okay.
So what's happening?
It's stuck.
Oh, well.
We did our best, did we?
That's all they can ask for.
Look! It's him!
My God, he's handsome.
Excuse me.
What's up,
you horny bitches!
Can I get an autograph?
Nothing's up, really.
We're just talking about
going to get some cheeses.
- Right, guys?
- Yeah, yeah.
What about the wall?
The gate is stuck,
Commander Doe.
Well, we'll do this
the old-fashioned way.
Get some help here,
brothers.
- Yes, Commander Doe.
- Yes! Yes!
Pull!
Pull!
Harder! Harder!
Ham, Ham.
Why are you grabbing
my nipples?
Uh, I saw
the other guys helping,
so I thought I'd join in.
How does that help the gate
come down?
Yes? Well, indeed.
Yeah, good point.
Uh, my deepest apologies.
It won't happen again.
It's stuck.
Men, this is what you get
when you let
Lord Trumpet the Orange
build the wall
with the outsiders' money.
Men, get the torches!
There's someone coming.
Hello, everybody!
It's me,
Lord Trumpet of Orange,
and I want to give you
an update on my ratings.
They're incredible.
They're amazing.
They're tremendous.
Talk about the wall, sir.
Shut up, Miller.
This amazing wall,
which I installed
and was paid
for by the brown people,
who, by the way,
did not vote for me.
Very stupid.
It's sad, frankly.
No brown people, sir.
This wall was built
with the finest wood
in all of Wild Westerworld.
And as you can see,
it's huge.
Just like my penis.
My stars!
You are like a stallion
of Valdar!
Ohh! Ride me!
Ride me to the end of the world,
you beast!
Denise, my skanky,
slutty sister, there you are.
Look what just arrived
from Kingshire.
It looks like
an invitation to a party.
When they write
the history of my reign,
it will start today.
How exciting.
What day is it?
February 31st! Now we shall
travel to Kingshire at once
and deliver a special surprise
to our friend, the king.
- I thought you hated the king.
- Of course I hate him.
He's flatulating
all over my throne.
But if you hate him, then why
will you give him a surprise?
Never mind. Pack your things
and bring the savage with you!
Ohh!
Good evening.
We're going to a party
in Kingshire.
Are there snacks?
More snacks
than you can imagine.
Can I come?
Of course you can come!
You're the surprise!
Wait. I'm not popping out
of a cake again.
We're going to give him
our dragon?
No, no, not exactly.
We shall hide Piff
inside a pie,
and the king will cut it,
and then Piff will pop out
and eat the king
in front of everyone,
and I will be the new ruler
of Wild Westerworld.
Did you just say,
"Eat the king?"
Yes, I did.
Do you have a problem with that?
Well, I'm actually
a pescatarian,
so I don't eat any living
creature apart from fish
because they deserve it,
because they're dickheads.
Then just chew his head off
and spit it out.
What do I care?
As long as he dies.
Can I choke him out?
I'm not very good around blood.
Yes, I just need him dead.
Hold on,
I've got a better idea.
What about Killer here?
Uh, no.
You will do the killing.
Well, I've already
named him Killer,
so it just seems appropriate
that he should kill.
I said no.
You will kill him.
Fine, I'll kill him.
He'll be dead to you,
just like you're dead to me.
Meet me by the pile of horseshit
when he's done with you.
Which one?
Diego, my moon and my stars,
can you go harder?
Harder! Harder like you're
taking me to the moon!
Yes! Yes!
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes
Boys
Parties
Style
Fame
She likes
Glamor
Runway
Style
Fame
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh
Oh
She likes gossip
Oh
Oh, my God!
It's got like an invitation.
It's a party!
Clearly that's for me.
This is my pool.
Yeah, but...
Thank you!
Phone, Sebastian,
give me my phone.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Me too!
Pack your things
because we're going to a party!
Oh, well, this says
it's like,
"Genocide,
but without the Jews.
And bring your own whores."
Oh, my God, you're right.
We could be the whores!
Oh, my God,
we're gonna be so famous!
Come on, Sebastian!
Why?
Because it's Purgefest.
Duh.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
I told you guys.
I told you we shouldn't
have come here.
No! We're going to die!
Gods, help us!
Where are you going?
You fucking cowards!
Johnny, do something!
Do the hair!
Yeah!
The dance magic!
Yeah, do it, Johnny!
Shake your hair, bitch!
Do it!
Oh, that's hot!
That's hot!
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Go for all of them.
All of them!
Wow!
Fuck me!
Do it, Johnny! Do...
Holy mother of...
Holy shit!
Uncle Tony, Lord of Iron!
Holy shit!
How did you do that?
Screw my suit.
You guys going to Purgefest?
Ah, my family wouldn't
want me there. I'm a bastard.
Your family
won't want you there?
I'm your family!
You know what you need?
You need some makeup.
Make yourself pretty
on the inside.
- Does that work?
- Does it work?
How do you think
I met your mother?
- You know my mother?
- Of course!
- I'm your uncle.
- Who is she?
Listen, go to Purgefest,
you'll meet your mother.
Can't go right now.
I gotta go to Segovia.
I got a hot widow in a castle,
and she's waiting for me.
But you guys,
I'll see you at Purgefest?
- All right, good.
- Later, guys.
So cool.
Everyone has a weird uncle.
Sorry, Father.
I was aiming for the target,
but he was in the way.
It's okay, boy.
Lord Stork, Lady Stork.
The guardsmen have returned
from the hillside.
They captured the deserter
from the wall.
Tell the men
to saddle the horses.
- Brendan, you come with me.
- Are you sure, Deadard?
Don't you think he's too young
to see such things?
He won't be a child forever,
my dear.
This will be
a good lesson for him.
Come on, Brendan.
I will teach you
how to deal with the deserters.
I got peanuts!
Beer!
Toy heads for the kids!
Peanuts! Peanuts!
Is there anything you'd like
to say in your defense
before I deliver your sentence?
Yeah. I know I hopped the wall,
but I'm not a goddamn deserter.
I know I shouldn't have ran,
but I saw what I saw,
so I went as fast
as me legs could carry.
You might think I deserve
to die like a dog.
People won't hear the truth.
Made a cat eat all your ears.
And the devil ate the cat,
and that's all.
Does anyone understand
what this man said?
No.
Very well.
Off with his head.
Yay!
Fucking gobshite.
In the name of
Walter of the House of Falafel...
Cut!
Cut, cut, cut, cut!
We can't hear you!
Where's the boom guy?
- Is he union?
- No!
Yay! I'm free!
In the name of Walter
of the House of Falafel,
I, Deadard, son of Fendrial,
husband of Lady Stork,
lover of Athena, Catrina,
Seraphina, and Salvador,
father of Macauley McCulkin,
Boped, Ariana, Celsia...
Oh, just do it already!
Who said that?
Father. Sorry, I just...
I can't stand
the sight of real blood.
This is the old way, boy.
The man who passes the sentence
must deliver the blow.
Now, put that game down.
Come here.
I'll chop his head off.
Hodog.
You may go.
My boy will hold him down.
Now hold him. Hold still.
Steady.
I told you to stay steady!
Here comes Lady Stork.
Don't say a word.
Oh, hello, my dear.
What brings you here?
Where's Brendan?
He had a small accident,
but it's nothing
the maester can't fix.
We just received an invitation
to Kingshire for Purgefest 3000.
What is that?
A party to purge all violence
from the kingdoms.
That is wonderful!
I think that
you should go alone.
Our enemies will be there,
and it may be dangerous
for the children.
- What say you?
- Father!
Prince Jizzy will be there,
and I must meet him.
He's the love of my life.
I'm going to marry him.
I want to lie naked
in his bed
while he drizzles hot honey
all over my body.
Now, now, don't get upset.
There's no safer place
in the entire realm
than Kingshire, my dear.
I'm certain that nothing bad
will happen to us.
My children, pack your bags.
We're going to the capital!
And now the benevolent,
the magnificent,
and the extremely dignified
Prince Jizzy!
That's my boy!
Ladies, ladies
All the sexy ladies
Longing for a prince
like me
Some of them
be cherry red
Some be lewd
and some be shrewd
All longing
for a prince like me
Mongrel,
you're in the wrong key!
I believe it is the right one,
Your Grace.
What did you say?
That you are right,
Your Grace.
I believe the only right key
is the one that will open
the door to this shithole,
so we can all get out before
this penis starts singing again.
What did you call me?
Your Mostly Honorable...
Prince Jizzy, of course.
That's what I thought.
Mongrel, kill him!
Mommy!
Ha! That's it!
Run to mommy, ya bitch.
Mongrel,
go play something for me.
Go!
Mommy!
I like my boy strong.
Ooh!
Yes!
Now, good boy.
Did you get your invitation
to Purgefest?
I got it.
It's a good plan.
What are you talking about?
It's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
Just another one of my husband's
stupid, bloody ideas
that drunk bastard...
What?
It's a brilliant opportunity
to kill him.
What did you say?
I said Purgefest
is an excellent opportunity
to kill your husband.
You're not just
a beautiful face, are you?
You've got stuff going on
up there.
I love it
when you talk dirty to me.
After the king is dead,
our son will take the throne.
- Jizzy?
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy?
- Jizzy.
Jizzy!
Jizzy!
Ohh!
Mother?
Hello, s-s-s...
Nephew.
I heard someone in this
direction calling my name.
Oh?
Oh, honey, you must be
hearing things.
Why don't you go run along
and play with yourself?
I'm not finished
with your uncle.
Can I go shoot peasants
with my crossbow?
No, honey, not today.
I just can't be bothered
with any maimed bumpkins
whining with their retched
families at the castle gates.
- Please, Mother!
- Not today!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's this?
Is this a toy from the future?
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Give your uncle his hand back!
Give your uncle
his hand back now!
No way!
It's too much fun!
No!
You know what?
Darling.
I changed my mind.
You can go shoot
the peasants now, darling.
Thank you, Mother.
Hello, everybody.
Have you noticed the beautiful
white swans behind me?
They remind me
of my favorite type of people:
Graceful and white.
Very, very white.
Inclusivity, sir.
They are so beautiful,
and they love me for
bringing them into this world,
almost as much as my beautiful
Russian mail-order bride.
And you know what the
best part about the swans is?
They're just as racist as I am.
Non-racist, sir.
Non-racist as I am.
It's so beautiful out here.
I wonder who planted
all these trees.
Must've spent a fortune
in gardeners.
Hey, where are you going,
you asswipe?
Come back here!
I'll sue you.
- Where'd he go?
- I can't believe he did that.
Let's get out.
Okay. Let's check it.
Whoa!
Okay, I'm fine.
Okay.
Where did he go?
- Oh, no. Your tit's hanging out
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, put it away for once.
No one can see.
Yeah, that's true.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
You've got to be
kidding me right now.
When you meet your gods,
tell them Shaggy,
son of Scooby,
from the Rock, Paper,
Scissor clan sent you.
Please don't kill me.
And...
Tell me...
where do women of your physique
come from?
The hills of Beverly.
Do they all have
the same curves as you?
Most do, yes,
if they can afford it.
I think we may
have to visit someday!
After we kill you.
What?
- Get out!
- Just do it.
Okay, okay.
Mr. Shaggy, my name is Clueless
of House Kardushian.
Tell me, Clueless,
how would you like to die?
Choking on a gallon of
mint chocolate chip ice cream
in my Jacuzzi,
while having sex with you.
The fat one's
got a sense of humor!
Take her as a slave
and kill the other one.
- What?
- What?
Who are you calling fat,
bitch!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, she's feisty.
Give me back my hammer
or the family dies.
Hang on a second!
How many followers
do you have?
I have five followers.
How do you expect me
to take you seriously
if you only have
five followers?
How many do you have?
Thousands.
Where are they?
They're in here.
And when I make my sex tape,
I'll have millions
and millions of followers.
Well, join the club!
Everyone does that
around here.
Really?
Oh, yeah!
Practically all the time.
Yeah!
How am I supposed
to get famous now?
Somebody say famous?
Me.
Me famous?
I can make
all you bitches famous.
- Can we take a selfie?
- Oh, my God, yeah!
Okay, duck face.
Famous!
Your Majesty.
Shut up!
I'm... I'm hunting.
- My apologizes, my lord.
- Yes!
You've done it again,
Your Majesty.
First shot.
Very good.
Take that beast
and give it to the cook
for tonight's feast.
The event is just
hours away, my lord.
Yes.
The, um...
Yes, spit it out.
The dragonfire
has disappeared.
Dragonfire has disappeared?
How does the dragonfire...
How does the dragonfire
disappear?
I'm afraid I do not know,
my lord.
I'm going to explain
one thing to you.
You're gonna get rid of
all those people tonight.
I don't care how you do it.
You throw them off
the castle wall.
You drown them in the moat.
Feed them to the little beasties
of the fucking forest.
Use your imagination,
will ya, man?
I'll think of something.
Hold my wine.
Ah, come here,
you little bastard.
Any more bad news
for the king today?
Lord Deadard Stork and
his family are about to arrive.
Would you like to greet him?
Well, yes,
of course I'd like to greet
my dear long-lost friend.
I mean, why didn't you bring
that up in the first place?
Do you wanna tell me,
you fucking...
The king is like
a feather in the air.
He goes whichever way
the wind blows.
And right now
Deadard is blowing him hard.
Oh, that's lovely.
Good work. Yes.
Ah, there we go.
Lord Trumpet's wall.
Journal entry number one.
It's cold as shit out here
in the middle of nowhere
as we look for nothing
for no reason whatsoever.
The story of my life.
A bastard life.
I'm bored.
We can be on our way
to Purgefest right now.
No one wants
two more bastards.
Oh, come on.
Half of the people
in this kingdom are bastards,
and the other half
are just inbred morons.
Besides, there will be women,
entertainment, chesses.
Hmm? All the essentials.
I'm a bastard child
Living on a wall
With 40 celibate men
Uh, wait.
I didn't want to scare you,
but I received a note
from an owl earlier
that said the Storks
might be in danger.
When did you see an owl?
Uh, it-it was when I...
When I went to the bathroom.
I've been with you all day.
Who sent it?
It was anonymous.
I've never heard of him.
Where is it?
I-I burned it.
Why would you
burn the message?
Because I was afraid it would
get into the wrong hands.
Look, we can
discuss this forever,
but the point is
we don't have much time.
If we don't head out now,
your family might be killed.
My family doesn't
want to see me.
Oh, bloody hell.
Are you going to sit here
moping all day
about not having a mother?
Or are you going to get up
and do something?
Let's go to Purgefest
right now!
Both of us.
Let's do it.
Yes, you're right.
- Pack your bags.
- Yes.
- Get your best dress.
- Yes!
I'll get the car.
We're going to Purgefest!
Yes!
Yes, let's do it, Johnny!
Don't tell me you're playing
that stupid game again.
It's not stupid.
I like it.
Promise me you won't play
with it while were in Kingshire.
Promise.
Hodog, no playing.
Hodog, Hodog.
Your Grace.
You look old.
And you're so fat,
the last time
they took out the catapult,
they thought
you were the boulder.
Just like the old days!
- Your Grace.
- Hello, darling.
Tight as a fist,
as always, hmm?
And where are
the little ones?
Ooh!
Not so little anymore,
are ya, Little Bobby?
Tortured any defenseless
little puppies lately?
Oh! You must be
the tomboy, hmm?
Ohh! Hmm?
Hello in there!
Ohh!
Oh, it's the pretty
little girly one.
She loves to play with
the little dollies, does she?
The little dollies! Ohh!
Ah! And what have we here?
We have the athletic little one.
Up and down.
Show us those legs.
I like pussy.
Hodog.
Oh.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
- Pussy.
- Hodog.
Mm.
Welcome to Kingshire.
Mi casa, su casa.
Meet the family.
Come here!
This is Cursey, my wife.
And Johnny.
"Bang Bang Johnny"
we call him.
Because he likes to bang
anything that fucking moves.
And Jizzy, my boy.
I'm so fucking proud of him.
Great shot with that thing.
I think he looks just like you.
He does, does he?
Tell me about this Purgefest.
Why this big party
all of the sudden?
You've never done anything
like this before.
Well, excuse us.
We've got a little talk.
Come on.
You're the best friend I have
in the whole wide world,
so I'm gonna be honest with you.
This isn't a party.
I'm gonna just
kill the competition
before it kills me, right?
You're becoming paranoid.
Everyone loves you.
Me? I'd give my left testicle
for you!
That's 'cause you're a moron.
Call me what you will.
But I still believe
in the old ways:
Loyalty, honesty,
character, and integrity.
Okay, I'll go get a snack.
While I figure out
how to murder
every single one of them.
That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen.
At least use a fork and knife,
you pig.
And what's taking you so long?
I'd like to keep moving.
You are an embarrassment
to me and our entire family.
When I rule the Eight Kingdoms,
I will have
to educate you properly.
You can't just be
on a rocking horse
with that beast of yours
and dining on horse parts
with your bare hands!
We're about to produce
the greatest dynasty
the world has ever known.
We are dragons!
Well, I'm a dragon.
I don't know what you are.
- Actually, I'm the dragon.
- How dare you correct me!
You say I'm the dragon.
You say I'm the dragon!
- You're the drag...
- Say I'm the dragon!
- You're the dragon.
- And don't you forget it.
And by the way...
Aaahh!
That's what a real dragon
sounds like.
Take it easy.
Diego's going to get mad.
So what if he gets mad?
The imbecile doesn't even
speak the common tongue.
He's getting pissed.
He may not speak it,
but he understands it.
I want to go! Now!
I want the crown I deserve!
Okay, what did he say?
He said he'll give you
your crown.
No! What?
Denise, what's happening?
What is he doing
with that bucket?
No, you keep that
away from me.
I am the king!
A crown for a king!
No!
- I think he's dead.
- S.
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please, thank you.
Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum.
I have stolen
all the dragonfire
and hidden it
in the basement.
Yes.
When all the families
sit down for the feast,
I will burn them,
and you and I will be
the new rulers of the kingdom!
Yes! I got you,
you nasty little devil.
Now, wait till I tell
all of my friends about you.
They won't believe it.
Get him!
Quite the little pervert,
aren't you?
What's happening?
What's going on?
I was just up here
having some fun.
Having some fun?
Is that what you call it?
I was playing with my dragon.
Clobbering the creature, yes?
- Popping the beast.
- Chasing the serpent?
Tickling the lizard?
We get it.
What are you doing?
You're going to kill him.
I'm saving our asses.
The kid is just playing
Dragon Bone.
Right.
Can I have
my Dragon Bone back, please?
This does nothing but
numb your brain
and get you in trouble.
No! My Dragon Bone!
It's okay.
The game... still works.
He's still alive.
It's a miracle.
I saw the best joust match
the other day.
Anus stuck the tip of his lance
into the other guy's neck.
There was blood
gushing everywhere.
It was pretty fun.
Sounds interesting.
No, I don't.
Do it.
Okay!
What is it, my sweet lady?
Does Mongrel bother you?
Away with you, Mongrel!
You're scaring my lady!
There. Now it's just
the two of us.
So...
what do you like to do
for fun?
I sew, cook,
masturbate, clean.
Twice a day
in that order.
A traditional woman.
I like that.
I'm not into these woman
who want to work
or fight or talk.
Take that, fatty!
You'll never defeat me!
Don't worry, milady,
I've got this!
Why should I be worried?
- You're safe with me.
- From what?
Surrender your weapon,
fat boy!
Let go of my girl's sister,
or I'll slice you in half
like a loaf of bread.
Hey, man, relax.
I'm not a man.
I'm your prince.
Dude, seriously.
Stop messing around.
We're actors on a movie.
Don't move.
I saw it with my own eyes.
You attacked her
with your sword.
No, he didn't.
He's my friend
This?
It's just a stick.
Do you want it?
En garde!
- Don't, Jizzy!
- Quiet, my lady.
No one can defeat me
in combat.
Now fight me like a man!
Ohh!
How dare you
hit your prince.
You aren't a prince.
- You're a penis.
- What did she call me?
She called you
a prince, sir.
You're nothing but
a little penis.
A walking, talking penis.
Admit it to everybody here that
you are nothing but a penis.
Never.
Say it!
No!
No! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Mommy! Ow! Mommy!
Why don't people like me?
They're jealous of you, sir.
Am I good-looking?
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
You hesitated for a bit there.
No, no, I didn't.
- Look, you did it again.
- No.
You... You're doing...
Oh, all right, all right.
All right, fuck you!
You think you're ever
gonna be king, my boy?
You've got another thing coming.
You're always gonna be
a little prince
who's got a little dick.
This is the biggest dick
you're ever gonna see, my boy.
In this water,
this reflection,
is the only dick
you're ever gonna have.
So are you guys coming with us
to Purgefest or what?
I don't know.
I don't know if that place
is our scene, really.
Who is that?
The fat one?
No, the one with the hair.
He's so hot.
You two need to leave!
There is no place for you
in here.
Now leave before
I smash you with my hammer!
Oh, uh, I see.
Well, I think I saw another inn
a few steps from here.
Maybe we should go to that one,
shouldn't we?
Yeah.
Why should we leave?
We have the same right
to be here as any of you.
Is that so?
Men!
On the bar. On the bar!
The maester says
it's a miracle he's still alive.
Help. Help!
Our boy is strong.
He will survive. You'll see.
I think someone pushed him
out of that tower, Deadard.
I think he saw something
he shouldn't have seen,
and they tried
to murder him.
Come on!
Who would do such a thing?
Johnny and Cursey!
I don't know!
The Boltons, the Freys,
the High Pigeon.
Could've been anyone.
Maybe even Elay, my sister.
That's outrageous!
Those are all the nice families
you're talking about.
Elay, my sister,
would never hurt a child.
Hodog.
We have to watch our backs,
Deadard.
You never know who would
stab us in the back.
I think you need to rest.
You're becoming paranoid
like the rest of them.
Wait, wait, wait!
Where you going?
I'm going to get
to the bottom of this!
Lord Stork, the king would like
to talk to you in private.
Yes, of course.
I'll be there.
What's happening?
What's happening?
Ham!
You A-hole!
I'm sorry!
Next! Step right up,
step right up!
Who wants to kill
a bastard?
Here, mate.
I'll take those two.
You bastard.
Come on.
I wasn't any good, was I?
I wasn't any good.
I want to fuck!
Hello.
Having a wonderful time here.
Oh, God, I miss your sister.
You know, the old days,
they were beautiful.
Your sister was a real goer.
She was such a partier,
with the little tits
and that ass of hers.
Ah, she was wonderful.
She reminds me of you.
How do you keep your stomach
flat like that?
I have to get on a diet.
I mean, I'm good in bed,
but I'm not like your sister.
She could take 45 people
in one go.
One time I saw her with a
camel with it all in her mouth.
It was quite beautiful
in some horrific kind of way.
Anyway, do you wanna have
a little shot with this one?
Wanna have a little shot?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How can I help you, my lord?
What I...
Oh, I do need a favor
from you.
Whatever it is,
you can count on me, my lord.
You're like my brother.
Yes, all right.
Don't interrupt the king.
Now, you know
that I am surrounded
by a bunch of moneygrubbing
ass-licking,
scummy little piggy, alcoholic
people in this kingdom,
and somebody is going to try
and kill me tonight, okay?
Listen, listen,
we already discussed this.
Don't you...
Don't fear the ungrounded.
No one would dare
harm a king.
Okay, well, I happen
to disagree with you,
and therefore I'm going to
command you to protect the realm
for my little
jizzy-wizzy boy,
so he can come and take
all of the things
and have it all, okay?
You can count on me, my lord.
I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
All right, go on now.
You want to have a little shot?
'Cause I'm gonna go again.
Come here.
Mmm.
That column won't hit back,
you know.
Who are you?
I am a master dancer,
lover,
and the best swordsman
you have ever seen!
My name is Zorrio Furrel.
Oh, the grip is a bit slippery.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
Chasing rats!
- Part of your training?
- No.
The rodent situation
in Kingshire is out of hand.
Sword.
Here. Catch this sword.
Looks like your reflexes
could use some practice.
Pick up your weapon.
That is not the way, boy!
I'm a girl.
That cannot be true.
Anyway...
this is how you
pick up a sword.
Ugh!
Ooh! Ooh!
I am just showing you
how not to do it. Ah!
Wouldn't want to knock
yourself in the giggle berries.
I don't have giggle berries.
I'm a girl!
Oh, the sword is all
badly balanced.
Last time.
That is how you do it!
Now get into
the fighting position.
That is not
the fighting position.
Turn to me side-faced!
Sideways.
Yes, that is what I said:
Side-faced.
I have been the first swordsman
of the Bravados for 20 years.
You must listen to me, boy!
I'm a girl!
No way.
Where are your boobies then?
- I'm like ten!
- Very well then.
Turn side-faced!
Good. Now try to strike me.
Ooh! Ooh, you...
I wasn't expecting that.
I'm sorry.
You knocked the wind
out of me.
Let me help you up.
You have to wait for me
to say go, okay?
Go.
Not above the shoulders!
Don't have the proper gear
for that!
You're only supposed to hit me
in this section here.
Follow me.
I will teach you to Fandango!
And then perhaps you will become
a great swordsman like me.
Fandango!
Yeah! There! Ol!
Ol!
Ariana, what in the name of
the Old Guard are you doing?
Zorrio was teaching me
to Fandango.
Zorrio Furrel at your service.
We must go.
Purgefest is about to begin.
Yes, Father.
Keep practicing
and you will go far.
I must go to chase the rats.
Good luck, boy!
Hello, everybody!
It's me, Lord Trumpet,
here at the tremendous
Trumpet Maze.
Everyone loves this maze.
You know why?
Because only white people
can get through it
and brown people get trapped.
Sir! Sir, I'm stuck!
Sir, I need help.
Sir!
Sir, I can't get out! Sir!
Total loser.
Oh, no, Johnny.
Ohh!
What did you do, KK?
Why'd you have to stab him?
- I didn't stab him.
- Yes, you did.
You're a murderer.
Admit it.
I didn't do it.
Okay, if you didn't,
then you did it!
I didn't do it.
I saw you do it.
Me? No! I would never
kill John Doe.
You sure about that?
Oh, no, I did.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Okay, well, let's just get him
into the back room, okay?
Oh, yeah.
- Sam, come on!
- Okay, let's go.
Oh, God.
Eight hundred paces,
and we'll be in Kingshire.
I will be the first female ruler
of all of Wild Westerworld.
My destiny awaits.
Do you have horse heart
by any chance?
Horse heart?
Oh, sure.
- Okay.
- Can you make a sad face?
Okay, let's go this way.
Oh, no.
Oh, Johnny, what do we do?
What do we do?
His clothes, rip them off.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Help, Kocky.
No chance.
Can you get his...
Hello, lady-boys.
Oh, look who it is.
It's the Red Sorceress.
Perhaps she can
bring him back to life.
Uh, that's not
the Red Sorceress.
That's our stepdad,
Trans Jenner.
All right, I'm out.
What's going on?
That man saved us
from the bad people,
and now he's dead
Why are his clothes
coming off?
I just wanted to see
what he looked like naked.
Oh, is that what
you're looking for?
I can just tell you
what it looks like.
Oh, he's so, so warm.
And so, so soft.
Leave the room.
I can't make any promises.
I need to work
my jazz fingers.
- Come on, Clueless.
- No, I... I'm not done!
Ooh!
At least light a match.
My sun and my stars...
May I borrow your ponytail?
My hair is falling
all over my...
Aah!
Here.
Take it.
Burn him.
Qu?
Lets go conquer
the Eight Kingdoms.
Sorry, buddy.
Dad, are you gonna be
much longer?
They just burned a man alive
in the pub.
I'm just doing some magic.
What do you need?
Just wanted to make sure
everything is okay!
Yes, everything is fine!
Just let me finish!
Okay, I will!
Ugh!
My boy!
What has happened?
Who did this?
Who are you?
What are you doing
in my son's room?
- What's that up there?
- Where?
That's a funny place
to keep a rabbit.
Show your face, you coward!
Show your face!
- Hodog!
- Stay in bed, my boy.
I will catch the man
who was trying to kill you!
What happened to me?
You were dead.
I just blew you
back to life.
You're not gonna
put it in there, are you?
Too late!
Who is that?
That's Summer.
Summer is coming.
That must be him.
I don't know how you manage
to do all of us at once.
You're a true master.
If I told you my secret,
I'd have to kill you both.
Ooh! Right.
So close your eyes now.
Come on.
Both of you, close your eyes.
That's it.
You can open them now!
Your time is up, troll!
You're coming with us!
Where to?
Grab him.
Excuse me.
- Put me down, you shit!
- Come on, troll!
Wait, I didn't get a chance
to punch my frequent doer card.
Ah, keep it
in your pants, troll.
Tell me brother!
Hodog. Hodog!
Please, look, please!
Git! Come on, come on!
Ooh!
Please, look, please.
We have to be reasonable
about this here.
If you explain what it is
that you want,
I'm sure we can sort it.
If I'm not at the Purgefest
in the next couple of hours,
all my family is gonna
come looking for me!
Why'd you do it?
Why did I do what?
Why did you do it?
If you explain to me
what it is that I did,
perhaps I can tell you
why I did it!
Ooh! Aah!
Ah, bloody hell.
I think I'm chafing
from all the walking already.
Oh, John,
you wouldn't happen to have
some of that oil
you put on your hair
to rub on my thighs,
would you?
- Oh!
- What? What is it?
Is the flash too bright?
No, no.
We need to get out of here.
There is no way
I'm leaving this party early.
Stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know the future,
and shit's about to pop off.
Quick, take a photo of me
holding the statue's tiny penis.
Okay, how's that?
Do I look like I'm holding it?
Yeah, right on it.
Is that small enough?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Stop!
Guys!
I just farted.
Down. Quiet.
Seriously, it's like
a Dutch oven in here.
Ooh, grapes. Mmm!
Can't be discovered.
- More grapes, more grapes!
- Shh!
Where is your mother
and your brother?
Purgefest is about to begin.
Welcome
to Purgefest 2... 3000.
For as long
as I can remember,
my kingdom has been, uh...
Well, it's been known for its
sexual perversions, isn't it?
And for its corruption.
Violence, its betrayals,
and its bloodshed.
We're gonna put an end
to all that.
There's gonna be
no more raping
and no more killing
around here.
We're gonna hand in
our smartphones
'cause I don't want
no more pornography.
And were gonna hand in
all of our weapons,
and I mean everything.
I mean no more
kitchen knives,
no more forks,
nothing you can do nothing with.
Didn't they read
the invite?
Most of the people
in our kingdom
are illiterate, my lord.
They just heard there was
free food and a party.
I have the king
just where I want him.
Now, after just a little
manipulation
of Johnny Bang Bang,
then it's just a matter of time
before I mount the throne.
Enough!
I'm the fucking king!
And I declare
that anyone participating
in these violent activities
is gonna be expelled
from the Eight Kingdoms.
What?
The Storks have kidnapped
my little brother.
I demand he be released
immediately.
Wait a minute. No, I mean,
you told me this morning
you wanted that little fella
punished, didn't you?
Yes. I despise him.
But he is still
my little brother.
I can't allow a Stork to kidnap
someone with my own blood.
If they don't return him
to us immediately,
you must ban them
from the Eight Kingdoms,
according to the declaration
you just made.
Come on,
you wretched scuzzball.
Gonna get you already.
Hold still!
Speak, troll!
Meet your gods as an honest man!
Confess!
Never! Oww!
All right, I confess,
I confess.
I choked him,
and I slapped him all around
the floor till he bled.
- I'm an evil man!
- Who are you talking about?
The Lord Commander
of the Southern Forces.
He's here!
In my pants.
Would you like to meet him?
Tell me the truth.
All right, all right,
I confess.
I'm the reason why
all the dragons are extinct.
I screwed them all
into their extinction.
I built the wall
with my wank hammer.
I stabbed a crazy king
with my flesh saber.
That's enough!
You tried to kill my son!
Oh, well, why would I
want to kill your son?
I don't know!
You tell me!
Ohh!
What, no more wax?
Yes! I got you!
Hodog, Hodog, Hodog.
Hodog!
Oh, shit.
What was that?
The king into fireworks?
What the fuck is that?
Well, I guess we know...
what happened
to the dragonfire now.
You check it out.
I'll take care of the troll.
Yes, Mother.
Ohh. Ooh, ooh!
You're turning me on, you...
Now we will have to find
some other way to kill the king.
Whoever did this
must have known our plans.
Bobb, where's your mother?
She has the troll. She's trying
to make him confess.
You must tell her to bring him
to the feast immediately,
or our entire family's gonna be
banned from the Eight Kingdoms!
Yes, Father, I shall go now.
This was the work
of a true genius.
Yes!
I did it!
I got the bone!
I am the dragon master!
- How are you guys?
- This is so much fun.
Commander.
I've come to help.
John, I thought
you were at the wall.
I heard you were
in trouble, Father.
Who told you
we might be in trouble?
My friend Ham.
Ham?
The fat guy?
No, just one bite.
No.
No, I'm...
Come on.
Deadard, where is the troll?
I know nothing about the troll.
I swear it to it!
He's lying. Look at him.
Release him at once
or be banished
from the kingdom, my brother.
Bros before ho's.
Here he is, Your Grace.
This troll
tried to murder my son.
That's not true!
- I'm innocent!
- Ugh!
That's a very low thing
that you did there, troll.
I'm gonna have to
cut you down to size.
Since you're in the arena,
I demand a trial by...
twerking.
What's twerking?
Allow me, Your Grace,
to defend my family's honor.
No, bastard.
As the firstborn,
I shall defend
my mother's honor.
The two of you, sit down.
I am the one who must
defend my wife's honor.
Hey!
I will twerk the troll
to death!
Wait a second!
You're four times
the size of me!
I demand a champion.
I have the right!
Well, who's your champion
going to be?
I name my nephew,
Jizzy Lays-my-sister.
Let's see him twerk!
I can't twerk.
I'm just... a dick.
Ha! About time
you admitted it.
Right.
I choose... Hodog!
Hodog.
Show him, Dad!
- Help!
- Yep, yep.
Not yet.
I do not wish
to continue this battle.
I will spare Hodog's life
and let the troll live.
I demand nothing in return.
He was my friend.
He could've been somebody,
instead of a bum.
Deadard, no!
Die!
I... want... you...
to... die!
My own wife.
My own beautiful wife.
What happened to you?
Jizzy is not your son.
Yeah, but he really looks
just like me.
I'm king.
I'm king!
Yes, son, of course you're king.
You're king.
I'm king.
And you're mine.
Okay, guards,
kill all the Storks.
Kill them all!
Kill everyone!
Wait! Except Sansia.
I want to give her
a pearl necklace and a foot rub.
That's it. Shh.
You want some, do ya?
Do ya?
That's it. Shh.
Hey, come here,
you little bastard!
Go back to the wall!
Die!
Hodog!
Hodog! Hodog!
Who wants to see
a magic trick?
I'm melting!
Melting!
Melting, melting!
This is Trumpet Arena,
the greatest arena in the world!
I own it!
I strongly advise you
to leave the area, sir.
I am so sick of you, Miller.
You don't know anything!
But I just want
to protect you, sir.
We could've
made America great again.
Idiot!
People of Wild Westerworld,
- I've done everything for you,
- Dragon Bone.
And all I ask in return
is that you capture
that woman
and grab her by the pussy.
Grab her by the pussy!
Oh, man!
Well, if it isn't John Doe.
How's the life
of an inbred prince?
It's going great. How's life
in your Mexican gardener?
Let's go, princess.
Hello, princess.
Killed another Mexican.
I told you motherfuckers
y'all was gonna die.
Yippee!
The throne is mine!
The goddamn throne...
is mine!
Whoa!
Seven kingdoms.
Now all perished.
Death is certain.
Life is not.
But not in this movie.
You didn't think we were gonna
kill everybody, did you?
Come on, man,
this is Hollywood,
We need a sequel.
It goes lights,
camera, action
When I step into
the limelight
Easily adapted
to the high life
Dressed to impress
like it's prom night
And when you living
top shelf
You know you gotta
set the bar high
Had the same dream
since we was kids
Big chips, big cars,
and even bigger cribs
Never thought that it would
happen just the way it did
Fast forward that now
It's just the way we live
There's good food and drinks
My mood makes you think
That this life's
made for a king
The room starts
to shake so smooth
If you blink, you might
just miss the whole thing
It's just a different way
to move
Living the high life
So many different things
to do
Living the high life
There's good food and drinks
My mood makes you think
That this life's
made for a king
So many different things
to do
Living the high life
And now it's girls, girls,
girls I adore
The coupe only sit two,
but in the back I got four
Talking about this high life,
I mean as high as it go
That's kites, planes, clouds,
the bank accounts that I own
Funny thing it all started
from a pen and a poem
Good evening.
It's Piff, the magic dragon.
I'm here with one of the...
Well, the sole funder,
actually, of this movie,
Mr. Donald J. Trump.
Yes, Donald J. Trump.
The J is for John.
For John?
I thought it was for Jesus.
So you produced
Purge of Thrones,
and you're
one of the characters.
Tell us, how did you
audition for the role?
Uh, good question.
This is the skin I shedded
like a snake,
at least three weeks ago.
We're here with two of
our lovely cast members.
Would you like
to introduce yourselves?
First of all,
I'm just lovely without "this."
- What's this?
- You did it.
Yeah, "lovely."
I was just emphasizing it.
You said you had
a penis voice.
What's your penis voice?
My penis voice
is a little deep.
How's it going, Mum?
Living the
Mother of Dragons dream.
What is that dream?
Uh, conquering
the Eight Kingdoms.
- Eight Kingdoms?
- Yeah, I think.
And what are these kingdoms?
Gosh, I don't know.
Does it really matter?
Apparently not.
- Do you want some?
- Yeah.
So tell us about
Purge of Thrones.
Are you gonna have
the whole thing or...
Yeah, I'm a growing dragon.
This is the castle
they've given me to reside in
for the rest of my life.
They originally thought
it was to the end of the shoot,
but actually I took out a word
and replaced it with "life."
So this is now
my genuine castle.
Some of it is on flames, yep.
We just put some of it on fire.
We got about 20 minutes before
that place burns to the ground,
and we lose yet another
English heritage site.
During the process,
what moments led you
to feel most in tune
with yourself on set?
- Whiskey.
- Whiskey, great.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You were great. Good job.
Thank you very much.
Can I get some cake?
What is it that you enjoy most
about Purge of Thrones?
Well, obviously everyone
'cause everyone's been great.
Most people
just say the money.
No, because
I'm not gonna get paid.
Yeah, I'm just
hanging around here.
Guess it's how they afford
everyone else's exorbitant fees.
Exactly.
How am I supposed to answer
serious questions
to a man who's
dressed like this?
- I'm a genuine magic dragon.
- It's just not going to work.
I'm directing this,
I wrote this,
and I'm funding this.
This is gonna be
the biggest film
in the history of film since,
what, the Titanic,
which is huge.
But this is gonna sweep
the Academy Awards next year.
Just sweep it.
We're gonna make purging
great again.
No one purges like me.
No one!
- Make purging great again?
- Yes.
That's what we're going for.
I don't think I'm getting paid
enough gold for this, guys.
All of this is lies.
It's a bunch of crap. It's crap.
These guys are losers.
They're lightweights.
They're nobodies.
They don't know me.
They don't know
how great I am.
All that they do is spread
disinformation about me.
I'm so sick of watching
this crap every single night.
They don't know me.
They don't know
how tremendous I am.
They don't know
how fantastic I am,
what a great guy I am,
what a great businessman I am.
This is all just fake news!
Every single night
is just fake news about me!
And I'm a really,
really nice guy,
and I shouldn't be
picked on like this!
Pence!