Pushing Dead (2016) Movie Script

- [Man] Ugh!
Holy fucking shit, this hurts!
- Hang in there, Danny!
- Oh. Ah!
- Dan?
- Danny?
- Yeah?
- I'm sorry about the time
I hit you in the face
with that big rock
down by the river.
and when I told your
mother about--
- Careful up there!
- And I'm sorry for
everything I ever said or did
that I should feel
sorry for. I'm sorry!
I love you, Danny!
I'm not dying back here, okay?
It just feels like I am.
(chuckles painfully)
I just wanted to get a
few things off my chest
Why do you always have
to question my motives?
- I think that was a stop sign.
- We are two blocks
from the hospital.
- Just hang in there, Danny!
- Aargh!
- (grunts, sniffs)
- [Woman] My God,
you sound awful!
- Hey mom.
- What'cha doin' honey?
- I'm not, uh...
I'm not really doing anything.
- Oh I won't keep you.
Sounds like I woke you up.
- (yawning) No no, no.
You didn't wake me,
it's just, uh...
one of these new
pills I'm taking.
It makes me a little groggy.
- A new pill?
What does it do?
- Uh, I don't,
I don't remember, exactly.
- Did you get my card?
- Last night I got it.
(sniffs) Let's see here.
- Oh my God.
Look at that thing on TV.
- (sighs)
Thank you, mom. That's very,
- that's very sweet.
- You're welcome.
- Are you sure you
can afford it?
- Do something fun with it.
- Oh I will.
I promise.
- [Dan] AIDS used to be
a big deal in America:
Marches, red ribbons,
media coverage.
Those were the fuckin' days.
Now it's just another boring
life threatening illness.
It's about as exciting
as having...
One thing that hasn't
changed for me,
it's still really hard to
be open about it.
Even in San Francisco.
Revealing HIV status
is an energy suck, so
I've successfully avoided
the dating scene.
The problem is,
I feel this need
to find someone
before I get sick.
I know that's fucked up.
- Hey, Danny, Danny.
- Hello.
- Aw, man.
- There's coffee. It's fresh.
- No thanks.
I want something to eat.
That's really gross!
You want to go out?
Get something to eat?
- I can't eat,
I just took my meds.
What, are you trying
to get rid of me?
- Oh yeah.
- Besides, (sighs)
I need to get some
writing done today.
- I will write today.
I will write today.
- You planning to eat this?
- Of course I'm gonna eat that.
you can have
the head.
- [Man] Dot?
Hey, Dot?
(grumbles) Jesus,
Mary, and Joseph.
- I'm trying to find that
big jug full of that stuff.
- It's where it always is,
aisle three.
- You love swiss cheese.
We should try these!
They're swiss flavor.
- Yeah.
We don't need 'em.
- Mr. Shwa-bell?
- Pretty close, actually.
- That'll be $2,841
and 12 cents.
I guess it's a good thing
I have insurance, huh?
- There appears to be a
problem with your coverage.
That's very strange. I've never
had a problem with it before.
- It would have been $5,682
but the government
kicked in part...
I don't know.
They installed a new system and
everything's all weird.
The background's green,
the text is yellow.
This is really hard to read.
We ran it through twice
but it didn't work.
Hold on.
American Medical Advantage.
Please enter the
client's ID number.
Please hold while we
access the information.
Please hold while we
access the information.
Client ID is not valid.
- What? (laughs)
- Sorry.
You might want to
change plans.
Hold on.
- You're on American
Medical Advantage Plus.
You might want to try
American Medical
Advantage Premium
or American Medical
Advantage Premium Plus.
That one sounds good.
- What's the difference?
- I don't know.
- Uh, okay, thank you.
- $22.11.
Card's been declined, sir.
- (sighs)
Well... (chuckles)
Uh, I'll tell ya what.
I'll just, uh...
I'll take the coffee.
I'll pay with cash.
- Nice.
- (sighs)
- You won't believe what
happened to me earlier.
- Well my imagination
is offended.
- I was just walking along
over by Sunny Produce.
and hit the wall behind me.
Then there was another one.
Then I felt a sharp pain
in the center of my back.
(slow motion, guttural,
deep scream) Ow!
Flying towards me were
these small
metallic things.
was hurling D batteries
from a rooftop,
trying to hit me.
- Jesus.
- Some woman.
They don't even know.
Can you believe that?
- Why would somebody do that?
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
Physically, anyway.
- I hate this story.
for being afraid to walk
by myself in this town.
- (groans)
Oh, hey there, Danny.
- Oh no. Bob,
I'm so sorry.
Could you tell how
hard I was trying
not to wake you?
- Oh you didn't wake me.
Besides, I'm, I'm glad I'm up.
I had to make some calls
to cash in on some debts
before they cut our
utilities off.
- Nobody's going to turn
off any utilities.
I just looked at the books.
It's really not that bad.
It's by no means great,
but I have an idea.
I'm gonna make some flyers
out of paper
for the poetry slams and then
I'm going to leave them
at independently owned
coffee shops and then
tens of people are
gonna show up.
- It's 2015.
Nobody likes poetry slams.
- Who's Grumps?
- Uh...
Dot left me.
- What?
Are you serious?
- She threw me out the house.
I deserve it.
I'm a pain in the ass.
- You're a huge pain in the ass
but come on, you guys,
you guys are gonna
get through this,
you've been together forever.
What the hell happened?
- I don't know.
Got into an argument.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
She said something about me
not knowing how
to be affectionate.
Called me an asshole,
a motherfucker,
and things got a
little out of hand.
- I've got something
for your ass right now.
- Oh, you got something
for my ass now, okay then.
- I got something
for you right here.
- Yeah I'm, I'm right here.
Get it for my ass right now.
Not, not, not my, not them...
All right then, all right then.
What about my...
What, what-- Oh!
- Yeah, let's get
down in it, now!
- This the one you
really like, huh?
- No you are not!
Watch this, baby.
Right there.
- (slow motion roar) No!
- Oh you get out of here now!
- I ain't getting
out of nowhere!
- Okay.
Well, it's obviously
not the first
huge fight that you've had,
and it won't be the last.
What are you looking for?
- I thought we had
a blanket here.
It's gonna be cold tonight.
- Stop it.
You're not staying here.
and then tomorrow
you're gonna talk to Dot
and you're gonna
work everything out.
- Hey, Bob, will you
do me a personal favor
and stay with me please?
- Okay.
For one night.
And then I'll set up camp
here in the morning.
- All right,
you've got yourself a deal.
(clears throat)
- Oh, that's a good idea.
It's not like that's a
depressant or anything.
- Ahh.
- We have a capacity
crowd here at Club Dot
for Poetry Slam Thursday.
I am your host,
Dan Shauble.
and before I bring up
our first contestant
I have one question:
Do we actually have
any contestants?
How 'bout a,
a simple show of hands?
Is anyone here to slam?
Apparently it's just me.
(clears throat)
When we met,
my breath was thick.
When you smiled,
one thousand children laughed.
And when you told me
that you loved me,
that's when life made sense.
When you rolled
yourself up
into that thing that you called
the human sphere.
When hawk wings
sprouted from your hunched
reptilian back.
When your body grew to
five times its normal size.
When you swallowed my ten
dollars in change and sang to me
in that indistinguishable
tongue of yours.
When you forced my legs
into your giant mouth,
clamped down,
with your rock-like teeth
onto my waist and twirled around
in circles, I admit
I was concerned.
But I never
ever stopped loving you.
I win!
- [Paula] What are
you gonna get?
- [Dan] I'm not hungry.
- Oh, I know.
I know.
- I had a dream about
Kevin last night.
- It's so weird, I spend more
time with him now than I...
did when he was alive.
- What was the dream about?
- We just sat up all
night talking.
It was so good.
felt like it went on
for hours and hours
and it seemed so real
but at the same time, I was,
I was very aware
that it was a dream.
And that,
that made it
that made it nice because
I was able to tell him,
you know,
how much I miss him.
Because, oh my God,
I miss you brother
so much.
- Oh flip. (sniffs)
- But...
one of his hands, uh,
was a lobster claw.
- (laughs)
- And it spewed
a strange lobster ooze.
- (laughs) Shut up.
- [Dan] But in the
dream it was fine.
He touched my face
with his oozy lobster claw and
wiped it all over my pants
- and I was fine with it.
- (Paula laughs)
I wonder what it means.
- (laughs)
- [Waitress] Do you
know what you want?
- Yes. I would like
a grilled Swiss on rye,
an order of fries, and
a hot tea.
- And you?
- I'll just have coffee please.
- Nothing else?
- Uh...
I will...
the golden brown waffle.
- I'll be back with your drinks.
- (chuckles)
- God damn it, why did I just--
I just ordered a waffle, Paula.
I don't want a waffle.
I'm so
terrible under pressure.
Something's wrong with
my insurance.
I couldn't get my drugs today.
- What's wrong with
your insurance?
now I get to go down there
and try to figure out
what the problem is.
I hate that place.
It's so depressing.
- Maybe you should go
to a support group.
- Because...
I just said the
word "depressing"?
- It's just that I am the
only one you talk with
about this.
- Oh I see.
I see, I see where we are.
I'm a burden.
I'm a burden for you.
- I just think it,
it might be healthy
to open up about this
a little more.
- I got it. Open up.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate this gesture.
- I don't mind talking
about it with you.
- But I'm fine.
- Come on, let's talk about it.
- No.
- Come on.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Or anything else with
you ever again.
- Would you cut it out?
- (mumbles)
- (sighs)
- (mumbles)
- Fine.
- What are you reading?
- Thank you.
What are you doing?
- Well I don't have
a fork, do I?
So, this is fine.
- I'm getting you a fork, uh.
- Paula, stop it. Shh, stop.
Would you please stop?
The woman hates me.
That's clear.
I don't need a fork.
I don't, I don't even,
I don't even want this.
Oh Jesus,
could this coffee
be any weaker?
- Maybe some people
like it that way.
(gasps, coughs)
- You okay?
That was a really
sharp shooting pain.
- Can I help?
- You know what? I gotta go.
I gotta go anyway.
I forgot about Bob.
and I told him that I would
meet him there,
and you know what,
it's fine.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's probably just gas.
Or something.
- This...?
- Um, Bob might stay
with us tonight.
- What? Why?
I'm sorry for running
out on you like this.
And I'm sorry for
being a shit head.
- I did, and I feel amazing.
Watch, watch this!
Ugh fu--
Ah fuck.
Ah fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[80's MUSIC]
This is awful,
how do you watch this shit?
- Uh, huh, oh...
- What?
- (sighs)
- You got any smokes?
- Yeah, you know me, man.
I've got, I've got
all the smokes.
What k--, what kind do you want?
- How many kinds do you have?
- I have zero kinds, Bob,
but I'll go get you some,
is what I'm saying.
- Ah, don't worry about it.
- I'm going to get you some.
Because I want you to
die happily.
- Okay, okay.
Why does it have to be dying?
Okay, camels. Okay, unfiltered.
You know, nobody said
anything about dying.
- Do you want anything else?
- No, don't bother,
that's all right.
- I'll see you in a minute.
- This is the worst
date I've ever had.
- [Bob] Ooh, you tell him, baby.
- [Man on TV] Well why don't you
have a little more fried dough?
- Can we watch something else?
- Mm-mm. This is the real deal.
These aren't actors.
- This is real life.
- Hey Karen.
Karen. Karen.
Karen. Karen. Karen.
- This is depressing.
- Yeah, that's right.
- [Karen] I'm glad you
make yourself laugh.
- Just pedal and be quiet.
- You're an ass.
- [Bob] Mm-hm.
Tell him how you feel.
- Oh.
Good morning, Moonshine.
- Good morning.
- That's disgusting.
You're an animal.
- Mm-hm.
- (sighs) I know what
you're gonna say.
But you don't have to go.
You can stay here as
long as you want.
- Ah, no.
I'll stay at the club until I
figure out what I'm gonna do.
- Did you call Dot?
- Dot, your wife.
Your wife, Dot.
Did you call her?
- To tell her that you love her
and that you want to come home.
- (sighs) Thanks for letting
me spend the night.
-All right.
- Anytime.
- (grunts)
I, um...
I'll see you later at the club.
- Please be careful going
down those stairs.
- [Bob] All right.
Thanks, Dan.
- [Dan] All right.
- [Man] Come on in.
- Hi.
- Ah, sit down.
Mrs. Doris is no longer with us.
- I'll be you new case worker.
My name is Gregory.
- Hello, Gregory.
- You have a social
security card,
driver's license
or California ID
and a current bank statement.
- It's all there.
- Excellent, thank you.
So, I think what's
happened here, Daniel,
is that you were bumped
from the low income plan
because your bank account
exceeds the maximum.
I'm sure you're aware
that you have to
stay within certain
financial boundaries
to get a state subsidy
for your prescriptions.
Your bank account
is approximately
$70 over the maximum.
- [Dan's mom] Do something
fun with it... (echoes)
- Maybe what happened is
you were moved to
the default plan
and due to your
high prescription costs
that plan is already maxed out.
Not sure.
I do know that your
plan was switched.
Look I'm in a meeting, okay?
So, you're going
to have to pay 50%
of your drug costs until the
plan renews in a few months.
And then maybe you can get
back onto the low income status
that you were on.
- Okay.
I, uh, don't understand
most of what you're saying.
- Yeah, nobody understands.
- Half cost meds,
that's gonna run me about, uh,
$3,000 a month.
And, um, I'm running low.
And I really
really need them.
Because I have...
So, um,
I'm not gonna be able
to come up with $3,000.
I don't have $3,000.
what else can we do, Gregory?
What, wha--
Uh, isn't there something
else that we can do?
when is the next time
you get a bank statement?
- Uh,
That one was from
last week, so it'll be
three weeks.
- Well here's what I
can do for you.
I'm gonna put this
on hold right now.
You're gonna send me your
bank statement when you get it,
and if everyhting's in order,
you can get right back onto
the low income status
that you were on
and you can use your card
that very same day.
That's the best I can do.
- Uh, I'll be out of
drugs in a week, man.
- That's the best I can do.
I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Keep that card.
Did I give you a card?
- You gave me a card.
- [Gregory] Great.
Have a nice day.
Thanks for coming in.
- [Dan] My grandfather used to
have an old Chevy Malibu.
It had a big white stripe
down the left side of it
and a big white stripe
down the right side of it.
The stripes were from the
car scraping against the
sides of his garage.
He wouldn't bother flicking
the ashes of his Chesterfields
when he was driving.
They would just fall off
when it was their time.
I loved spending time with him.
He was a great guy.
When my grandfater died,
I was ten and no one had
ever died on me before.
All of a sudden
it hit me.
I'm never gonna see him again.
But, I was wrong.
I'll get into a car that
has that same stale
smokey scent.
And it all comes back to me.
I look forward to those
flashbacks of him.
And I wonder what
if anything,
will remind people of me.
I once dated this guy who
instead of having a tool box,
kept all of his tools in
a white wicker basket.
I'm sorry, but that's gay.
- Hi there.
- Oh, sh-- (laughs)
How you doing?
- Good, yeah.
- [Dan] Wow.
How much is this?
- Ah, Hanuman.
- The great monkey warrior.
Very sacred, very noble.
He's a rare one,
that little monkey.
- What do you want for him.
- 25 bucks.
- (sighs) 25.
Would you take...
- Did you forget your keys?
- No, I did not.
- (screams)
Oh, Jesus! What the fuck!
- Don't just shove a little
plush animal at somebody.
What is that?
- It's a gift.
From me to you.
- That's nice, honey, but I,
he frightens me.
- Stop it. You two are
meant for each other.
Now take it. I'm gonna
be late, I have to go.
Take it, take it.
And love him.
- Um, thank, thank you.
- You're very welcome.
I'll see you later.
- Thanks for the monkey.
Okay. How about this?
Good boy.
- (sighs)
- Old man.
You're sad.
Aren't you?
- Yes.
I'm sad.
- I can tell.
You can do anything
if you put your mind to it.
- Thanks for the advice, kid.
- Fortune?
Get your fortune told?
- No, thank you.
- Learn your death time, mister?
- Jesus Christ.
- I've got to go.
- [Dot] Oh, that's nice.
(exhales sharply)
- How is everything?
- It's okay.
I'm okay.
- Yeah?
- How's Bob doing?
- (sighs) Not so good.
He misses you.
- Okay, enough of that.
you got any pot?
Be sure that Bob
takes his pills.
What does he take pills for?
- Just old man stuff.
You know, Paula.
I love Bob.
I really do.
I love him so much.
With all my heart.
But sometimes
I just hate him.
I hate him.
(menacingly) I hate him.
- Isn't that normal?
- Mm-mm, I don't think so.
- I'm pretty sure it is.
- Ah.
- I'm so glad that
wasn't locked.
- Hey, Danny.
- Hi, Bob.
Was, uh,
in the neighborhood so
I figured I'd, you know,
swing by
God knows I don't spend
enough time here as it is.
how's it going?
- Uh, I don't want
to talk about it.
- Okay.
Then I won't say another word.
- Now...
I win.
Eight bottles.
You're seven.
- Give me that.
One Daily Men's?
This is a multivitamin.
Multivitamins don't count.
tis a tie.
(both sigh)
- (grunts)
- [TV Narrator] Coming up
on National Justice
brutal beatings caught on tape.
- Don't forget to lock the door.
- I always lock the door.
- Mm-mm, not always.
- Do you want some cofffee?
- Oh I just made a fresh pot.
- You get me.
- Sorry about the sheet.
I'm just a little shy
around new people.
I hope you will understand
and not kill me.
How about that.
(clears throat)
- [Dan] Mom, you
can't pay for them.
They're $3,000.
- [Mom] A year?
- A month.
- [Mom] That's bullshit.
Look, I don't want you
to worry about this, okay?
I never should have
brought it up.
Besides, I can take a little
break from the drugs
for like two weeks, and
believe me, I could,
I could use a break.
It's perfectly safe,
I can assure you.
- Hi Mrs. Schauble!
- Okay.
- [Mom] Say hi to Paula.
- [Mom] Bye honey.
- Talk to you soon.
- That'll be nice.
You get to take a little
break from the pills.
- (sighs) Are you crazy?
I can't go off meds.
I could go resistant
to something.
I don't have a lot of
treatment options anymore.
It's salvage therapy or bust.
- I can't believe Dan Shauble
lied to his mother.
- Believe me, it's
for her own good.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I guess I'll just keep going
down to the pharmacy
until someone makes a mistake.
- That doesn't sound like
a very good plan.
- It's actually not
a horrible plan.
They do make a lot of
mistakes down there.
They hardly ever check my card
until recently, of course.
I'll figure something out.
- Dan.
- Virginia says hi.
- What are you gonna do?
- Medical card please.
- Of course, yes,
that's the whole
- Gotta run the numbers
through the system.
- Here she is.
- Paul?
Can you get that?
- Okay. Thanks.
- (scoffs)
- Hi. (chuckles)
I'm sorry about all this.
- Yes, uh, I hope so.
Uh, sh, she went to
answer the phone I think.
Dan Schauble is the name.
S-C-H-A-U-B-L-E, Schauble.
- That was easy.
Dan Schauble,
here you are right here.
- Let's just make sure we
didn't leave anything out.
- Oh, I'm sure you didn't.
- (humming)
Lucky number seven, all there.
Uh, make sure you take
this on an empty stomach.
- Uh, uh, if you have
to eat something
a piece of fruit or
uh, anything that has
Fatty foods will block it from
being absorbed into your system.
- Not gonna do it,
not gonna eat anything.
- (laughs)
- There you go.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- Sir!
I'm gonna have to run those
numbers through the system.
I'm going to have to
have to take your order
until we get approval.
Thank you.
- [Automated voice] Please hold
while we access the information.
Client ID is not valid.
- Excuse me, uh, do
you guys have a bathroom?
It is not a good idea to
bother a dog when it's eating.
Someone is in here.
A similar rule applies
when people with AIDS are
taking their pills.
Someone is in here!
- Medical assistance.
I was supposed to send in
my bank statement,
and I was just wondering if
I could fax that over to you?
- Uh, no sir. I'm sorry.
We must see the original.
- [Dan] Okay, thanks.
- Uh, yeah.
- Hey, you want coffee?
- No thanks.
- Bob.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
(sighs) I got a big
charlie horse here, man.
A lack of potassium.
You scared the living
shit out of me.
- [Bob] Huh?
This banana should do the trick.
- [Dan] Yeah, because that's
exactly how bananas work.
They're like heroin,
you take one bite and then
all the potassium that you
need shoots directly
into your bloodstream.
- Thanks for the info, doctor.
- Why don't you just
come and stay with us?
- (sighs)
This is better for me, honestly.
And I've been
around a long time.
I can take care of myself.
- (scoffs) Yeah, I can see that.
This is, uh,
this is self-preservation 101.
Standing offer, okay?
My door's always open.
- I never thought I'd end up
in my golden years like this.
- Yeah, well I never thought my
golden years would be my 40s.
- Don't be morbid.
There is a very good chance
that you will outlive me.
- I don't want to hear
about it, okay?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- You, you, you should be sorry.
This is my time to be
miserable, not yours.
- I can be miserable
just as good as you can.
- Yeah, in your dreams.
- Do you want me to call her?
- Don't you dare.
- Okay. I won't.
- Good.
- (chuckles)
- (sobbing)
- Okay, is it buzzing right now,
or is it making like
a whistling noise, like a
(blows air/slight whistle)
Okay. Okay, try that.
Call me back later.
Okay, bye.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I have a, a 1:00 appointment
with Dr. Denny.
- All right. Let me see.
You are Daniel--
Daniel? Dan? Okay.
Oh, Dan, it looks like
you've got a $47 past due.
- Can I send you a check?
- Hello, Daniel.
- Hi doc, how, how are,
how are you?
- Fine. Uh, any complaints?
- No, sir.
Not of the medical
variety, anyway.
- And, uh, what about that skin?
- Good. Normal.
It's good.
You have a dog, huh?
- No, I don't.
- All right.
- Everything looks okay.
Just keep doing what
you're doing and, uh,
we'll see you in two months.
- Okay, thank you.
Excuse me.
I saw you.
(clears throat)
- [Man] Don't fucking move.
- [Dan] Okay.
- [Mugger] (stuttering) I w- I
will kill you. Come on! Come on!
- (grunts)
Ow, fuck.
Hey, you're supposed
to hit me first
not after I give
you all my money!
You moron!
And as I lay there bleeding,
looking at the vast
dark of the night sky,
I'm thinking,
I just don't take enough time
to appreciate nature.
Look at that thing.
It's beautiful.
- So, um...
What do you do?
- I'm a ranger.
- Really?
That's neat! What, what
what does a ranger do?
- Well, it's a lot
of responsibility.
But it's very fulfilling.
What I've always wanted to do.
I love nature.
- So, um...
Do y-- hm...
Ah, okay.
Here we go.
I love spinach.
- You know, so do I.
Something we have in common.
- (laughs nervously)
Very well done.
Terrific order.
This is really good.
- And good for you.
- And good for you.
Most importantly.
These, um...
These olives are unusual.
- What olives?
- What kind of sick fuck
puts bacon in spinach salad?
- Okay, if we could
just move past
the bacon portion
of the evening,
how, how was the
rest of the date?
- Oh that was it.
He knew I was a strict
vegetarian, I told him,
we talked about
it for five minutes,
but the fucking ranger
just sat there
and watched me eat
little hog bits.
I mean, aren't rangers supposed
to look out for people?
Isn't that their job?
To, to, to protect people?
I'm through, I really am,
I am so sick of it.
Ugh, I give up.
Why am I always
looking for relationships?
Relationships are crap!
I don't need a man.
I really do. I'd like that.
- Don-- hey, don't.
Leave it alone!
It's gonna get infected.
- So weird. It's like,
it's like numb.
Shouldn't it hurt?
It should sting
or something.
- It's normal.
Don't touch it.
- I feel a migraine coming on.
Do you have any coffee?
- You need to cut back.
- Oh God.
You see? Caffeine.
Just immediately keeps
my headaches in check.
- It's time
for us to take control.
- Yes.
(slams fist)
- (slams fist)
- What are you talking about?
- Learn how to defend ourselves!
Take control!
- Oh, I don't know.
I, I appreciate a
good challenge.
And having little to no control
is way more challenging,
- I am not going
to be unprepared
if somebody decides to mug me.
I'm gonna learn how
to protect myself.
I'm tired of being scared.
- This is good. I
like this for you.
You should learn
how to protect yourself.
- Meanwhile, I think maybe
I'll go to the zoo.
- (muffled) All right everybody
so here's what's gonna happen:
I'm gonna grab you
and then you hit
you hit, you hit
arms and elbows and everything
that we discussed,
You're first. Don't hold back.
- No, no!
No, no,
no, no!
- (growls)
- No!
No, no!
- Hi there.
I give up. You win.
- We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.
- FDR.
That's, that's good.
- Don't be scared.
- I'm not scared.
Are you scared?
- Don't be scared.
(echoing) We all die someday.
- Hello?
- [Man] Dan Schauble please?
and I'm calling from the
benefits of life company.
We are a company that believes
there are times when
we all need help
managing our lives.
Add the complexities of living
with a life-threatening illness
like yours, Mr.
Schauble, and I'm sure
life can at times
seem out of control.
Uh, my job is to assist
you in obtaining immediate
financial relief.
I'd like to help you
reduce your stress level.
for your life
insurance policy.
We are--
- (sighs)
- [Automated voice]
Please hold while we
access the information.
Client ID is not valid.
- There's a new moon tonight.
- Oh boy.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Thanks for
the paper people.
If I'd had some scissors they
would've been way better.
- I'm Dan. It's nice--
- Hi Dan.
- (laughs) Nice to meet you.
- What did you do to your eye?
- Oh.
Well that's a fun story.
Uh, I was mugged a
couple nights ago.
- Wow.
- Not too far from here.
By a very unhappy man.
Who also had a crowbar.
- Wow. And you've,
you've come back.
You're just back here tonight.
For the second round.
- Well I happen to like
this park very much.
roommate/massage therapist
told me that I should come here.
And that I should
talk to the trees.
Because they have special powers
or something like that.
And if I talk to them I can
absorb their energy.
She says that I should
be more spiritual and...
I'm just vomiting way too
much information right now
aren't I?
(laughs) I'm sorry.
- No, no, no it's interesting.
That is actually,
genuinely interesting.
I, I want to know more.
- Question 1:
- Mhm.
- Are they listening?
- (laughs) I don't know.
- I don't know, I haven't
made my opening statement.
I don't know if I'm supposed
to pick a single tree
or address them as a group.
Um, I should've asked
more questions.
I don't know maybe the whole
spirituality thing isn't for me.
- No! Don't give up!
Just start with a bush.
- (giggles-snorts)
Oh my God.
- That was a very strange
laugh that I just made.
That's, that's nothing
like my real laugh.
- Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
- I just want to see your palm.
- Oh dear.
- Look
See that? See those spirals?
- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah? You see them?
- Those spirals
show that actually
you are in very good shape.
Here you go.
Look, I've gotta
go. I have a, um
I have a dinner date.
- Of course you do.
- It's with my sister.
She's, uh,
in town a couple days,
just wanted to see
Chinatown, so...
- I love chinese food.
- (both laugh)
Aargh. Maybe I'll, I'll
see you around sometime?
- Maybe you will.
- Yeah, I could do that.
Definitely wanna do that.
All right, your turn.
What do you do?
- I am a painter--
walls for a living, and then
not for a living, on canvas.
- Fascinating, I never
would've guessed that.
- No?
- (chuckles)
- Yeah, I've got bad aim.
- Well maybe I can see some
of your paintings sometime.
- Yeah, maybe.
What were you doing at
our doctor's office?
- Uh, I've been going there
for about two years.
- Oh.
- Oh, that was my fi- uh,
that was my second time.
They seem to know
what they're doing.
- Mm. And considering their
specialty, I'm assuming
you're positive?
- Are you?
- I am.
- I am positive. (chuckles)
- Well you assume correctly,
I, too, am positive.
- How long?
- Uh, I think two years,
I'm not sure. Might be more.
Your turn.
- (laughs) To tell me how
long you've been positive.
- It's a little personal,
don't you think?
- Fine.
Be that way.
You don't really strike
me as a bouncer.
I do a lot more than
just bounce there.
(clears throat)
I do many things.
Um, the owner Bob,
sort of, like,
- You been in any big fights?
- Uh, I've tried to
break up a few.
Uh, I'm not a
confrontational person,
so it generally doesn't
go well for me.
I do not-- (grunts)
I'm all right!
I'm okay.
God, this is a lovely street.
- Mm, it's nice, I like it.
Also, this is my house.
- No way!
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna take you for
food tomorrow night.
- Y- yes, I acc--
Okay, I acc-- I accept that.
Do you have a pen or something
to write down my number?
- I have a pen.
- Wow.
- Pick a pen, any pen.
- Someone's a writer.
Is it you?
- (chuckles)
Um. (clears throat)
Confession: I'm sort of
cell phones at the moment
so, um,
I'm gonna give you my
home number.
The old land line.
And um, you can call that.
And if I'm not there
just, just uh...
Just leave a message.
- Okay.
Well I will call you tomorrow.
And we can work out specifics.
- I love specifics.
- I love specifics, too.
(clears throat)
(whispers) All right then.
Hello, Bob.
- Danny.
- Don't get up. I just brought
you some donuts to
help pass the time.
- Jelly?
- Are there any other kind?
- Ah. You sure know how to
cheer up an old man, huh?
And now I was thinking
of making some decaf
would you like some?
- I should probably get
some sleep tonight,
because I
(sings) have a date tomorrow.
- (chuckles) Yeah,
about time.
Bring him by. I
want to meet him.
- Only if you promise to
keep your hands to yourself.
It is a first date, after all.
Decaf or no?
- Eh, sure.
So, one old man to another...
How do I get her back?
- Whoa.
Did you actually--
You just asked me that?
- Yes, I'm asking you.
- Bob, this is good,
we're gonna talk about this,
this is good! Okay. Um.
Do you love her?
- Of course I love her!
What kind of question is that?
- Maybe it's the question
that she's asking herself.
Think about how long
she's been married to you
and what an enormous
pain in the ass
- Think about how hard it
must be to be married to you-
- Well, you could start with
something very simple.
You say,
'I'm sorry.'
- That'll never work.
- (laughs)
Try it on me.
- Try what?
- I want you to try apologizing.
- I want you to look me
in the eyes and say,
- Dot-
- 'I'm sorry.'
Or 'Dot, I love you.'
- Because I think at this point
either one will go a long way.
- Dot, I love you!
- I love you too, Bob.
I've always loved you.
Since that first
night at the Filmore,
when you took me to see "Bebe."
- Way back then?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- I'm gonna come
sit on your lap.
- I'm gonna come sit
on your lap right now.
- Dan. Come on.
(both laugh)
- [Automated voice] Please hold
while we access
the information.
Client ID is not valid.
- I'm sorry.
I know it's, I know
it's not your fault.
- He's got a grenade!
- I, I--
- [Automated voice]
Client ID is not valid.
- It's, it's not
your fault, um...
How about my migraine pills,
can I, I could just
pay with cash for those?
- Of course!
That'll be $21 even.
- Can I get half?
- [Mugger] Don't fuckin' move!
Give me your fuckin' money!
- [Paula] No!
- (groans) Ugh.
(grunts, gasps)
- You're lucky I'm nice.
- (heavy breathing)
So beautiful...
I'm okay, kid.
Thanks, thanks for your
concern, but go on home.
Okay, you're creeping
me out now. Go away.
- Let this be a lesson to you.
Crime doesn't pay.
- Got it.
And what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.
- Okay.
- [Mike] I call this
one the Grim Peeper.
- It's horrible. I love it.
It's all, it's all great!
- Wait here.
- Sh-, should I be worried?
- (Mike laughs)
- [Dan] I guess if I'm being
honest, they're a touch darker
than I was expecting.
But uh, I really
do dig them, man.
Is that a meerkat?
- [Mike] (from other room) Yep!
- I would, I would tell
you that I like them
even if I didn't
because that's a
thing that I do.
It's a problem for me but
the truth is, I really...
I'm just really impressed.
I mean, it's all really great.
- Well, I thought it
would appeal to you.
Oh, is, is that,
that's not something
that gentlemen do here,
go through other men's wallets?
- Sure, have at it.
I have nothing to hide.
- Good.
- (sighs)
- [Mike] Who's this?
- That is Kevin.
- An ex?
- An ex.
We were together for years.
And then he died.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, what can you do.
- Looks like a nice guy.
- Oh, he was a great guy.
- You never answered
my question.
- You've asked me
many questions.
- How long
have you been positive?
- A long time.
- How long?
- Longer than you.
- Tell me. Just tell me.
- Okay.
Twenty-two years.
- Twenty-two years. Man.
Long time.
- Yeah.
- You ever been sick?
- No.
Not really.
Okay! Um,
I know that (sighs)
I know it's a little early
in the proceedings to be
playing favorites, but
he's my favorite.
I love trolls.
- Well thank, thank
you for that but,
that's not a troll.
That's a mini-miser.
- It was the number four best
selling toy in the UK, all-time.
- That is, that's a mini-miser.
- Do you not know what that is?
- No.
- [Dan] Oh.
- What is this. What was that?
- Ah. That is a thing
that they used to
do back in the day.
First time it happened to me,
I was in New York at a club.
I was talking to this guy
and then another guy,
who I'd never met, came up
and drew a little
cross on my back.
and he was like "Yo, man.
I just had to warn you.
That guy you were talking to,
HIV pos."
- That's insane.
- And then I was just super
paranoid, you know?
was walking behind the
person that I was talking to
which was a completely
irrational fear
because the only one who
knew I was positive was me.
- Look, let me show
you something.
- (gasps)
- [Mike] Yeah.
That's my original model.
- I like him very much.
- Yeah? Do you want him?
- Yes.
- You can have him.
He's yours.
- I shall have you.
- (chuckles)
- I used to have this
recurring dream
when I was a kid.
And inside the trunk, I would
keep all of my magic stuff,
because I was
very into magic.
- (breathes deeply)
- And in the nightmare,
this creepy little puppet man
would jump up on
the steamer trunk
But he wasn't a puppet
because there were no strings.
He could move all by himself.
And he'd stare at me.
And then, his face
would start bleeding.
Usually out of his
nose, but sometimes
it would be an ear or
one of his eye sockets.
And you could tell, like,
He liked bleeding from the face.
And then he would start humming.
- I...
I don't think I
want to hear this.
- And then, his face would
start bleeding more,
and more, and more.
And he's just staring me down,
blood gushing from all
of his facial orifices.
And I had this dream
every night for a solid year
when I was like, 10 or 11.
Do you wanna know
how I beat him?
I'll tell you.
I started thinking about
this creepy little dick
every night before
I went to bed.
I would just start cycling
through all of his
demonic antics in my brain
and the more and more
I thought about him,
the less and less scared I was.
And then one night,
(whispers) Pow. Nightmares just
And the young warlock
had defeated
the creepy little
faux puppet fucker.
(laughs softly)
The end.
- (sighs)
- I, I don't want to do this.
And why did you make
me wear this fuckin' suit?
- Because you look
like a truck driver
who'd been living in a
Mexican motel for a year.
Now just go ring the doorbell
and give her the flowers.
It's gonna be so easy.
- I feel like an ass, okay?
Come on, let's go.
- Stop being such a fag.
- (gasps)
- Yeah. I can say that.
Especially if the
situation calls for it.
Now open your door and
get out of this car.
- (mocking) Yeah, shit.
- Yeah, shit...
- (mocking) My legs and my ass.
It's a journey just
getting out the f... car.
- Ooh, that's a
pretty suit, Bob!
- Suck it, Donnie!
- Oh, that hurts my feelings.
- (heavy breathing)
- Hey I'll see you over there
at that place next
week, eh, Bob?
- [Bob] Yeah, I'll be there.
Say hi to Linda.
Are you shittin' me?
(heavy breathing)
She wasn't home. Let's go.
'cause I'm pretty sure I just
saw her through the window.
- Who am I gonna disturb?
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
- People are napping, okay?
They're nappingat 3:00 here.
Let's drive. Drive. Go.
- It's the neighborhood
nap time?
- Yes, it's the
neighborhood nap time.
- Maybe you should date more
often. This place is spotless.
- (giggles)
I just have this extra
skip in my step.
- (blows)
- Hmm.
- (sighs)
I gotta tell ya, it's...
it's been, it's been
surprisingly refreshing
dating someone who's positive
You know after Kevin I just,
there was no way, you know,
I thought I would never
you know, want to go through...
But it's just easier. In a
lot of ways, it's easier.
- Well, Snowball and I
are very happy for you.
- Thank you. Both of
you. And can I just say
I am delighted that
you two are getting
on so well.
- (cartoon voice) Uncle Dan,
I love my mom.
(normal tone) Aw,
thank you, sweetheart.
I love you, too.
(cartoon voice) Yes
I do! I love her.
We're very proud of you!
You're getting out there!
Good for you! (laughs)
But let's, let's
not give up on the
idea of a, of a real man, okay?
Let's keep that ball in the air.
- (whispers) Don't
listen to him.
He doesn't mean it.
- [Mike] Hi, uh, could
I speak to Dan, please?
- Well, um...
I guess that
depends. Who's this?
- [Mike] (laughs)
It's uh, it's Mike.
The only british person
likely to be calling you.
- (chuckles) Well
how's it goin'?
- (Mike) Yeah, good. Um,
good I think. I, I had a
really nice time last night.
- Ah, so did I. I can't
wait to do it again,
like, oh, I don't know...
Is this thing on?
- [Mike] Uh, I'm not, I'm
not really very good at this,
I'm just gonna come
out and say it.
- [Mike] I think it's
a bad idea, um,
for me to try and
date right now.
Um, I mean, I, I've just
(clears throat) I've been
going through a lot of stuff
and you seem really sweet
but um, I just, I can't date
right now, it's
hard to explain.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I don't, I
don't want to sound like a dick.
I just need to...
(sighs) It's just, 22 years
is a long time.
and um...
- (clears throat) No,
you're right, I get it.
I understand. Completely.
Um. (clicks tongue)
I'm gonna have to go.
Because something is
burning somewhere.
- [On recording] Hi, this
is Dan. I'm not around.
Please leave a message.
- [Dan's mom] Dan honey,
are you there?
I'm feeling a little dizzy
and my eye is all pink.
And there's a strange
looking guy on the porch.
Could you call me when you can?
- Mom, hello?
Mom, what's wrong?
- [Mom] I'm sorry, honey.
I just wanted you to pick up.
- Ugh.
Jesus Christ, that's,
(sighs) that's diabolical.
- [Mom] Paula tells me
you're depressed.
- Well, I'm fine.
- [Mom] What is it?
- (sighs) It's nothing.
Some guy,
okay? I, I hardly knew him.
I got rejected. (chuckles)
(sighs) So that's it.
Okay? It's no big deal.
- [Mom] No big deal but
you locked yourself
in your apartment
for three days?
- Okay, it hasn't
been three days.
It's been a day
and I'm...
I'm better now.
You should...
You should see me,
I'm doing quite well.
- [Mom] Have you had coffee?
you decide to stop
drinking coffee?
Cold turkey?
Honey, you have an addiction.
You need to feed it.
I'll hang up if you promise
to go make some coffee.
- (exhales) Okay.
- [Mom] You can quit when
you're better in the head.
- Okay.
She's a very smart woman.
- [Woman on TV] I was heading
off to Chile for a trip once
when my then-young-daughter
asked me
'Mommy, is it chilly in Chile?'
(laughs) It can be.
While we may think of this
South American country
as a hot spot,
the Andes Mountains--
- [Man on TV] Take a look
at this little guy, a tiny
mouse lemur from Madagascar.
- [Woman] He is adorable!
I want one!
-- are one of the most
endangered on the planet.
- [Man] Sad, but very,
very true. (chuckles)
Good night, everybody.
- Ah.
- [On TV] Same to you, Jeff.
- When you get yourself
shot full of holes
- and all crippled up, why,
- (sniggers)
- [Jeff] Come on over and sit
under my fig tree for a spell.
- [Billy] (chuckles) All right.
- [Jeff] Bye, Billy.
- [Billy] So long, Fuzzy.
You know where to find us if
you ever change your mind.
- [Jeff] Sure do.
- (sniffs)
do not miss an dose. Do not
take more than one dose.
And if I do?
- [Automated voice] Pharmacy
hours are from 8:00 AM
Please call back
during business hours.
- Make sure you take this
one on an empty stomach.
Fatty foods will block it from
being absorbed into your system.
- Ugh!
(breathes heavily)
(breathes heavily)
- Are you all right?
You okay?
- I'm fine.
Sorry. I didn't
mean to wake you.
- [Paula] Should I be worried?
- Good night, Paula.
- [Paula] Good night.
- (sighs)
Ow, what the...?
(gasps) Ah--
Fuck is... Ah.
(exhales sharply)
- [Dan] Hey!
Okay, there's
definitely something
wrong with me.
I'm in a great deal of pain.
think I need to go to
the emergency room.
- I'm calling an ambulance.
- No! No, no, no.
Don't be crazy.
Just, just come get me.
Please, please just come get me?
- We are two blocks
from the hospital.
- Just hang in there, Danny!
- Aargh! Shit!
- Aaah, red light, okay. Okay.
- Okay, we're almost
there. Keep breathing!
- [Dan] Kevin?
- There's absolutely
nothing to be afraid of.
- (grunts)
- We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.
- [Man on TV] These are
flying off the shelves.
Commemorative 9/11
hunting knives.
The iconic twin towers
on these handles
are coated with a
sure grip resin.
Beautiful tribute weapon.
- [Dan] Thank you, doctor.
You can send my friends in.
I'll break the news.
You don't, you don't
have to do that.
- I'll give you some privacy.
- Thank you.
I'll miss you.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Look who's here!
- (chuckles)
- [Dan] Dot!
I did not expect to see you.
How are you?
- I'm okay. The big question is:
- How are you?
- Yeah, how are you?
- (sighs)
- [Paula] What is it?
What's wrong?
- (sniffs)
Look, you guys are my family.
I'm not gonna mince words.
We all knew this day would come.
I have a kidney stone.
- Oh, you ass!
- (laughs)
- [Paula] I thought
it was serious!
- It is very serious.
Do you have any idea how
much these things hurt?
- Yeah I, I had a
kidney stone once.
- You had a gall stone.
- Same thing.
I'm sorry, you're right.
It was a gall stone.
- [Dan] Aw, it was a gall stone.
You guys should
get out of here.
I'm gonna be stuck for a
couple hours at least.
- I'll wait with him.
You both go ahead.
- Are you sure?
- Of course!
You're perfectly healthy.
It's poopy here. Go.
- We're all just glad
you're all right.
Ah, man.
- That was adorable.
The only time I've
seen him cry was once,
during an extreme home makeover.
- (crying) Just glad
you're okay, man.
- Bob.
- Aw.
He's so sensitive.
I should've just married a lady.
- We gon' get out of here.
We'll see ya.
- Bye, Bob!
- Bye!
- [Bob] Bye bye.
- Oh my god.
What did I miss? What happened?
- I think your stone brought
them back together.
- Well shit, I should've
thought of this
way sooner.
- How are you feeling?
- I have no idea.
I'm on morphine.
- (laughs) I'm so
glad you're okay.
Is there anything
else I can get you?
- No, I'm good. I'm so good.
- All right, let me know if
there's anything else.
- I'm just gonna
ride this high.
- Okay.
- [Paula] (baby talk)
Boy, oh boy,
Ooh, it's nice and warm!
Oh, who's a dirty boy?
Who is a dirty, dirty boy?
Dirty boy?
(squeaky voice) Take that!
(normal voice) Oh!
(squeaky) No, you take that!
(normal) No you take that.
Watch it. Watch it.
You settle down.
- So, this is a thing
that's happening.
- Oh hey, if you,
uh, are going out,
I used it all up. I
used it all up on you.
- You talking to me
or the monkey?
- Yeah right behind the ears.
(sing-songy) Right
behind the ears.
- Ow.
Stupid shoes...
Oh, ah! (grunts)
- Oh, hey there!
Hey, hey, hey!
- Ah...
- You okay?
- Oh, I think I cut my knee.
- You need a few stitches there.
- Oh no, no.
No, I'm HIV positive,
you don't want to do that.
- Huh.
Aren't we all. (laughs)
What's your name?
- (sighs) Lisa.
- Well, Lisa.
I've got good news.
You picked a great
place to wipe out.
We're about 6 blocks
away from a hospital.
- (sighs) I'm a little drunk.
- Can you stand?
Whoa! Ha ha.
Good work.
- One step at a time.
- Okay.
This way?
(sighs) Oh gosh, thank you.
- Sure!
- Thank you so much. Oh.
- You know what? Um...
- (groans)
- In the interest of time,
we should revise our plan.
- Okay.
- (grunts)
Here we go, Lisa!
Here we go.
Yup. You're doing great.
- (breathes heavily)
- Okay.
- I'm a little out of shape.
I just tied my shirt
around your knee
'cause I needed a breather.
- Oh, now I feel bad.
- I'm a little out of shape.
It's true...
We're so close though.
- (grunts)
- Aye, ah.
- Oh, son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
- That hurt me.
- Lisa, Lisa-a-a.
Mother of god. Mother of god.
Little help?
Oh that's...
That's fortuitous.
- I cut my leg
pretty bad I think.
- Here's your...
- Oh, thank you, I owe you one.
- No, it's no problem.
- [Nurse] We'll take
real good care of her.
- Oh, but what about your shirt?
- Oh, uh, keep it!
- [Paula] Hello! Danny?
- Pray tell.
- (laughs)
What is in this pretty bag?
You are way too good to me.
- Turn, turn it over.
- Happy retirement, Guillermo.
- (laughs)
It was half price!
- You like it?
- I love it.
- Aw.
Look at that!
That's really handsome.
- I was thinking that it
was a really good thing
that I smashed the other one.
I got it when I started taking
meds and every time that
fucking alarm went off
my whole body just seized up.
Reminded me of the
super scary old days.
- Well, this one does
not have an alarm.
- Good.
- [Automated voice] Please
hold while we access
Please hold while we
access the information.
Client ID is approved.
- Thank you. (laughs)
- (humming to music)
- (gasps)
(heavy breathing)
- So I have decided to have
a monogamous relationship
with myself.
- I am going to cheat
every now and again
on myself, because
what I don't know
cannot hurt me.
- I think I'm going
to have a beer.
- I think that's a fine idea.
All right, let's do
this. (clears throat)
to Poetry Slam Thursday
at club Dot.
I am your host, Dan Schauble.
We have two poets
for you tonight,
but that is exactly two
more than we had last week,
so I am totally stoked,
but before I call them up,
I've got a little
something of my own.
Uh, this one's a little
rough around the edges.
Still workshopping it,
so go easy on me, okay?
What did I do to make you
so fucking angry?
Here I was thinking that
maybe you and I
could be friends.
I guess that was naive.
You scurry through my system
like a nimble little kitty.
Naturally, I am
allergic to cats.
Cats are ridiculous and adorable
the way that they
bat shit around--
I want one so badly.
I give you a place to live.
I put a roof over your head.
I share my bed with
you every night.
And in return all you
do is try to kill me.
I think that's so
Considering the fact
that we have to
spend the rest of
our lives together.
You should make an effort.
You should make an effort
to work things out.
Because, should you kill me,
I have a promise for you,
you sick,
soulless, son of a bitch.
I'm taking you down with me,
But enough about me.
(clears throat)
It's time to welcome
two very brave souls
to the stage.
We'll start with Gene Schnitzel.
He'll hand off to Maddie Levine.
Give it up, the
mic is yours,
it's Poetry Slam
Night at Club Dot!
- [Paula] Well done, AIDS boy.
- Definitely keep
calling me that.
Well hello.
It's time for me to
take my AIDS drugs.
These are really good.
- What?
- Mm.
They are good. Mm.
- [Dot] That's right
they're good.
They're goddamn Swiss flavored.
- Mm-hm.
Swiss flavor, baby. (laughs)
- [Anchorwoman] National
American Shopping Day
- [Anchorwoman] And Brian
Navarro is covering things
from the streets of
Hayes Valley. Brian?
- [Brian] A field trip into
the city proved to be
a fun experience for
students and teachers alike,
and first grader
Kimberly Miller is here,
who has a little bit of advice
for the shoppers at home.
- Let the buyer beware.