Quarter to Two Before Jesus Christ (1982) Movie Script
1
This film was restored
by PATH in 2013
In those days,
from Scotland to the Gobi,
from the Turkish hills
to the Hispanic shores,
one man alone held sway over
the civilized world,
Caesar!
Each year,
mighty Caesar vacationed
in Rahat-Locum,
a Roman colony in North Africa.
A QUARTER TO TWO B.C.
Want some good grass?
It's Phoenician!
Piss off!
What's all this? See what's wrong!
Outta the way!
Don't rupture yourself!
Move over!
Where's the fire?
If you're in a rush, get a camel!
Pain in the ass!
I'm workin'!
No reason to piss everybody off!
Why bitch?
Ya ain't got a fare.
Cuz I stop at noon for chow,
asshole!
Say that again...
Let's see if I get mad.
Gonna scare me, ya big bag?
If I come over
real close
and look ya in the eye,
got the guts to repeat that?
- Big bag!
- Me?
Yeah! Ya know what kind?
Me? A big bag?
What's up?
This dope's blockin' my way.
Chariot races are held
in the Circus.
What a clown!
Shut up!
I want the street cleared by 3.
Again!
I'm sick of this.
Move along! Don't gawk!
Close up your stands!
Caesar's guest is due.
Clear the street for the procession.
Close your shops!
Same thing every day!
Him and his foreign guests
ruin our sales!
Always showin' off for bigwigs
from Africa.
And Gaul!
Enough!
Go tell Caesar your troubles.
He's getting some new lions.
Big ones!
And I hear they're hungry!
We'd better leave.
Didn't you hear me?
Clear the street!
We just told you.
I'm just gonna grab a bite to eat.
See to this guy.
Ok... ok...
The Consul will convert
the Julian Severus Theater
into a supermarket
to increase government profits...
- Camparius!
- Americanus!
Hot tea but hold the sugar!
I'm on a diet.
Tax will be the same
for urban and provincial Romans
enabling them
to proudly share in the grandeur
of Rome.
To hell with Rome!
Arab emirs at the Congress
of Oat-Producing Nations
today announced a rise
to 18 sesterces
per quintal of grain.
Many emirs are arriving
for the festivities
organized by mighty Caesar in honor
of Cleopatra.
Kill the boob tube!
In Bethlehem...
It's all bullshit!
What'll become of us?
The price of oats is up
and this supermarket
will ruin business!
So have a glass of champagnus!
Ya don't care?
You bet I don't.
If the supermarket puts you
out of business
and keeps deliveries from blockin'
traffic, I won't mind!
Slob!
Hey, if you're so tough
use your merchants' union!
Sounds like a revolt's in the air!
Paulus is needlin' us.
Seen TV?
Like everybody!
We gotta stop 'em!
Exactly!
Know what I say?
Caesar's the big bad wolf
cuz the Romans are lambs!
Caesar's a lion
cuz the Romans are deers!
- True!
- Smart words!
He's smart.
Smart! But what else?
So what else, smarty?
I say we should let Caesar know
that we're fed up!
We should pick
a strong-fisted leader
who'll tell him so!
That we're sick and tired
and fed up!
Right! Exactly!
And it's you!
What?
The strong-fisted leader!
President of the Merchants!
But...
We'll go see the Consul
und let Ben-Hur Marcel
speak for us all!
And say it's the last straw!
Be our leader, Ben-Hur Marcel!
Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna talk to
the Consul!
Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna speak
for us all!
What is it?
- The masses!
- Well?
They seem to be crabby, Consul.
I got your message!
Citizens!
Do you want lower taxes?
Work for all?
An end to inflation?
We can do nothing for now
but as soon as we can,
we'll double our efforts!
Promises, promises!
We want guarantees!
Guarantees!
They're being a drag.
This can't go on!
Rome is a democracy!
We have rights!
Who are you?
Ben-Hur Marcel! Mechanic!
Merchants' President!
You're their leader?
Too right, Dwight!
So speak up!
Things were fine till Caesar came.
Then the shit hit the fan!
Caesar bestrides the world!
We trot between the giant legs
like midgets.
On what flesh does Caesar feed
to become so great?
Are Rome's walls to gird
but one man?
So we're fed up with Caesar!
Me?
Why not the others?
You're alone, asshole!
Listen, Demetrius Cassius
Titus Marcus Et Ceterus...
My designer miscut my pleats!
I can't wear this rag
to Caesar's Palace!
I want him torn to shreds
in the arena!
A bloody ragdoll!
Not in front of the guards...
Screw the guards!
Toss him in the arena
with a trident in his torso!
A sword slicing up his entrails!
His bruised body in a net!
His nose bashed!
Enough of this!
You've made me throw
a plumber to the lions...
Crucify a barber.
- Indeed!
- Now a dress designer?
So?
You're going to damage
my popularity!
Why did a nice Gallic gal like me
marry a Roman?
Now what?
Hail. Demetrius Cassius Marcus Oct...
Never mind!
- Well?
- Actually, in front of...
What's with this make-believe macho?
I'm the Consul's wife!
I hear all that goes on here.
Careful or you'll end up
in the arena!
Enough of that!
Go on.
It's your son...
His son? MY son! What's wrong?
He's dead! Hurt!
Do something, you Roman!
Give it a rest, Laetitia!
My son?
He was driving a chariot drunk.
Jupiter be praised.
The schmuck!
Bring him to me.
- The Highway Guards have him.
- So?
Highway Guards
and Palace Guards don't...
Free him! And tell
the Highway Guards
to shape up or I'll put a few
in the arena!
Finally!
Go tend to your lace laurels!
He really stuffs himself!
3 or 4 every Sunday in the arena!
Especially Greeks!
He has a soft spot for Greeks.
It must be their diet.
Stuffed grape leaves, souvlaki...
Greeks are tasty, eh, Lucien?
It's odd...
Turks eat like Greeks but...
he's not hot for Turks.
He doesn't like Spartans much.
Too dry!
He tears them up.
He toys with their sandals
but hardly eats a thing.
Gauls are too pickled.
He won't touch Biafrans.
That's understandable.
And Romans?
He loves them for dessert.
They're like rum cakes for him
but he doesn't get many.
Only skinny common criminals
fed on
dry bread.
But you!
You'll be a feast!
Look...
He's spotted you!
He has a good eye.
He knows who's who!
We could make a deal.
Listen,
you let me knock you out
and then fall
so I can grab your keys.
I'll pay!
Let you escape? You're joking?
Now I'm all for making a little cash.
Civil servants' pay is low
and fully declared.
So if ya want extras...
Having food brought in,
some packages...
But no escape!
I'd land in the arena in your place!
Then again,
Lucien wouldn't touch me.
- Right, Lucien?
- See!
But the others!
The gladiators!
They're wild animals!
They jab a trident
down your throat and twist it!
They lop off your hands!
They bash heads with axes!
It hurts!
They leave you in the sun
covered with honey and ants.
Camels lick you
while you slowly die,
lying for hours in the hot sun.
Right, I need to clean up the arena
and scatter some sawdust.
It's gonna be
a bloody Sunday.
Spurting blood!
Calm down, Lucien!
Be patient!
Sunday he's yours!
A plot?
Plenty of them!
But we can't check everybody's ID,
frisk chariots, arrest students
without arousing the masses
who are baying for blood.
So we'll organize our own plot.
It'll also unmask rabble-rousers.
Once Caesar survives
our phony ambush,
we can arrest plenty of suspects!
Brilliant, Consul!
We must hire
a clever firebrand,
loyal to us,
of course.
Don't you have an agent
smart enough?
Leave us!
My men are just cops!
No intelligent ones there!
Or use someone very dumb!
That'd do.
That we can find!
Hail, Deme...
Stop hailing me all day!
It gets on my nerves!
Well?
I got your son released
from the Highway Guards.
Look at that get-up!
Go to your room.
Don't smirk!
Next time you'll stay in stir!
And the town?
All going swimmingly.
Their ringleader is in prison.
- People?
- No worries!
The guy was just a mechanic.
It's a pity to feed him to a lion.
He's the only good chariot
mechanic in this damn town.
Why in Hades are we here
except to please
a brainless emperor
who in the meantime is...
Sorry!
My nerves are shot to hell.
Yes, I know...
You may go.
Shitty Jupiter-damned cape
of a half-assed uniform!
The men are fed up
with all this shit.
All this... shit.
That idiot gave me an idea.
What's the mechanic's name?
Ben-Hur Marcel.
Not very Roman,
but it's just as well.
He's the man
for our phony conspiracy.
Everyone heard him.
He's in jail now,
for plotting against Caesar!
Brilliant, Consul!
She reigns over Egypt
Each pyramid and crypt
Sings the praises
of her ancestors the Pharaohs
Neath the skies of Egypta
There grows the calyptra
Amid blossoms and rocks
Glide swans and peacocks
Let Asskisserus pass!
Hail to the envoy
of Consul Demetrius!
Keep your own nose, dear Queen.
One too long could change
the face of the world.
Divine Cleopatra,
may the Gods help me
to convince
Your Luminous Majesty
that although
mighty Caesar holds the fate
of the world in his hands,
yet in the provinces
as the Gauls say
"Though smart as foxes,
we're not oxes!"
Rahat-Locum
is not like Imperial Rome
where roads are broad and wide,
suitable for processions.
Asskisserus, you windbag!
Full of hot air!
But, divine Cleopatra!
Rahat-Locum is a tiny town
of narrow alleys
and difficult, twisting,
sandy streets.
Majestic Luminosity...
Your Luminous Majesty should
use the express highway.
Am I dreaming?
Tell your Emperor
the Queen of Egypt makes the laws!
Pyramid builders don't use
express highways
amid Roman delivery chariots!
I'll use Rahat-Locum's main avenue.
If it's not wide enough,
tell mighty Caesar
to raze half the city!
Like this!
Is that clear?
But, Majesty...
Remove this ass
and his building blocks!
I only express the orders of
the Consul who is not too smart.
It's awful having to work
for such a dope!
If I could serve
a sovereign like you,
Luminous Majesty!
Majestic Luminosity!
Musculus!
Bicepsus! Tricepsus!
Dorsus dorsalum! Dorsus pectorus!
Musculus bicepsus!
Tricepsus et pectorem!
Who's the little dark man?
- Dark?
- Pudgy?
The dark pudgy one.
Juvenius, Consul.
Juvenius!
He trains badly.
He should be punished.
Indeed, Caesar. You heard?
I'll cast him into the arena
next Sunday!
Caesar's hard but fair.
He must be punished
but not in the arena.
Put him on night duty.
As you wish, great Caesar.
He'll stand guard for a week
at the North Gate
where nights are harshest.
You're the harsh one!
Don't be so severe.
Post him outside my room
tomorrow night.
Do as you're told.
Add a man
in case he goes off duty.
He wouldn't dare!
You schmuck.
Do it or you'll end up
in a lion's belly.
Yes, Consul.
Come with me.
We have serious matters to discuss.
Demetrius, baby,
just who is this Cleopatra?
A savage?
They say she's a woman of power.
Girl-scout type?
No.
Dictatorial but fairly feminine.
How ghastly!
But for the good of Rome we must
give her a perfect reception.
What do you think of these?
My costumes for the festivities!
Very gay! I hope it's sunny.
I want fabulous games!
Chariot races, gladiators...
I want gladiators who are big,
handsome and virile and all...
plus 2 or 3 not too big,
not too skinny.
Some pudgies.
As you wish.
But I'd like to talk politics.
Politics!
That bores me to tears!
I'm busy preparing for the Armenian!
Egyptian!
If you say so... Egyptian!
Must I worry about politics as well?
Noble Caesar,
the people are discontent.
People! What are the people?
Plumbers and maids!
Must I reign for the people?
Aside from them
is everyone else happy?
Absolutely.
So let's run the country
with the decent people!
That's impossible.
Revolt is sprouting everywhere.
Each day state officials,
judges, centurions,
tax collectors
are attacked by the Purple Brigades.
Public buildings are damaged daily.
Just look!
The Courthouse...
The Tax Center...
The Circus...
They've all been hit!
The Purple Brigades even smashed
your statue.
Good!
I hated the outfit
I was wearing.
I'll have it redone,
with pleats down the front
and a much fuller cut.
Take measures.
Send me my sculptor.
Political measures!
Be an angel and see to all that!
And also...
Hush! That's enough!
Having an empire's fine
but I want my privacy too!
Have I no right to live?
The state... The Empire...
Listen to me, noble Caesar!
Our economy needs an alliance
with Egypt.
Couldn't you take...
advantage of her visit...
and offer to wed Cleopatra?
Wed? What do you mean?
Marriage?
Only for political reasons!
You wouldn't have to...
What? He's lost his mind!
Me? Wed an Ethiopian?
Egyptian...
Sweetie,
I know you're devoted to me,
fussing over the Empire,
but you need a rest!
I mean, really!
Frankly, you've flipped!
Me with a broad and bawling brats?
A nightmare!
Ciao, Consul baby.
That's too funny!
Go, home, have some herb tea
and go beddy-byes!
I can't get over it!
He said "wed"!
Of all things!
I never heard anything so silly!
What's Caesar like?
They say he's very strong.
I mean as a person.
Chic with class.
That helps!
A good host.
Nouvelle cuisine, etc.
10,000 miles for pickled dormice
in strawberry jam!
For the grandeur of Egypt,
I hope we win the chariot races.
Leave us!
Come.
Sit down.
ID file...
"Ben-Hur Marcel.
32. Merchant Union President."
A subversive group?
We're only merchants who organize
special 2-week sales
with prizes and so on.
They say
you're a rebel
who criticizes the Empire
and that you're ready
to strike at Caesar.
It happened once...
cuz they pushed me.
Never mind.
I like that.
I need a man like you.
You know of plots against Caesar?
Being in business,
I hear folks talk.
Some say, "Kick him out on his ass!"
Or "Let's crucify him!"
"Perch him on a pyramid!"
But I've never heard of a plot.
You'll organize one.
A plot?
You and your merchants
will plan a conspiracy for me.
A conspiracy?
Against Caesar!
I'm not interested.
It's not my thing.
Makin' fun of Caesar and sayin'...
"That shit-face?
When he coughs, it's a fart!"
That's one thing but...
I mean... Sorry.
Sorry...
No conspiracies!
You must have specialists
who'd love to do it.
We're amateurs!
We'd slow you down.
You have no choice.
You do it or it's...
Sunday with Lucien!
In that case, I can handle it fine.
Some conspirators meet
nightly in the catacombs.
If our friend Ben-Hur Marcel
were to contact them...
Good idea! You'll go there
and infiltrate the terrorists.
Then report to us
and I'll decide.
Yes but...
what if they don't want me?
Lucien!
I see. Ok...
Here we are.
What do I owe you?
8 sesterces.
Thanks.
Ok, Lucette?
Some guys are kooks!
Well, baby?
How much?
20 in the chariot, 25 out.
Son of a bitch!
Pardon me?
Givin' me a hard time?
I don't give it away!
Yeah... ok.
You're cute
but I can't take anymore!
Going, dolls?
We're washed out!
From the baths!
Time for bed, Crocus!
See you, sweetie!
A closet queen with a mask!
Hi, you!
Hi, Reginus!
Good crowd?
Wild! Come in!
Here already, baby?
Here we do us we please!
No one'll deck us!
We hug and squeeze
In our homosexualis discothecus
Let the disco play!
Come shake your plexus!
It's all very gay
In the Homo-Disco-Texus!
Citizen! Got 2 or 3 sesterces
for a drink?
How do I get into the catacombs?
The door's not far.
Careful! Some odd guys
hang out there.
'Night, dolls!
'Night Ma!
Take care.
Hello, you!
Hi, ladies'n'gents!
I'm lookin' for friends.
But I don't know...
They said I'd find...
They're here to plan
something special.
Yes, it's special!
I don't know if...
it's in the catacombs.
Well, it's...
downstairs.
Care to take a peek?
Come in!
What's wrong, kitten? Shy?
No, but they said it was a secret.
It's not secret!
It's just discreet.
But everyone knows.
Cops come here too!
Hello, fellas! Hi, men!
Go on in!
What a dodo!
What'll it be, kitten.
Champagne?
Right.
Shit! Here, kitten!
'Evening!
Hi!
Are they all conspirators?
Pardon?
They're all conspirators?
What?
They all are?
Sure!
And you too?
You're one too?
Isn't that obvious?
Come on.
I can't hear...
You don't look like one.
I haven't been for long.
I'm not really one yet.
I want to but I don't know
where to begin.
It's easy!
I can show you the ropes.
That's kind. This wasn't my idea
but a guy forced me into it.
But now you're willing
to participate?
Sure!
But I'm not really active.
Can't passive roles be fun too?
Let the others do all the work.
That'd suit me!
But I could give a helping hand.
It's just I don't have the knack.
Don't worry.
Everything will be made easy for you.
That'd be nice!
Shall we dance?
Sure.
Come on.
What's wrong?
They can't stand.
This fool made them smoke!
My arrival was scheduled for 5 PM.
It's 2 AM!
I know, my Queen!
What does our guide say?
Oh, him!...
Hasch-Minafer!
Cleopatra's the most beautiful!
She's the best!
What have I done to Osiris
to deserve this?
Draw and quarter him at once!
I can't alone but once the guards
wake, I'll do my best.
Like it?
Nice...
But a bit sissyish.
He's so funny!
- Make yourself comfortable!
- I'm fine.
Thirsty?
Champagne.
It's good.
We need to decide who does what.
Sit down.
Relax.
Let's not rush things.
We've plenty of time.
I'd rather work fast.
Pick the right moment and...
bang!
You're hot stuff...
The 1st part is hard but...
once we begin,
we have to go all the way.
And no improvising!
Just a little?
With an ordinary customer, maybe.
But with Caesar,
it has to be done just right.
You know?
I see you do.
This can go.
True,
Caesar is an exceptional person,
yet he's a man like all others.
In certain realms,
he must be treated only
as a man and nothing more.
For Man...
Man is weak,
my young patrician.
True, it's not his fault
but a question of mentality.
But once Man is aware
of his weakness,
aware of his frailty
and aware of his ugliness...
For he is ugly!
Man is ugly!
- You do agree?
- Yeah!
Oh, thankless Nature
who had Man modeled
in the image of strength
rather than grace!
All that is male
is force and ugliness.
Walls. Rocks. Swords!
Whereas all that is female
is gentleness and tenderness.
Flowers. Rivers. Music!
You're too young,
my young patrician,
to have known Woman
in all her splendor.
Sure, but I get by.
What poet,
with tragic lucidity,
will describe the mule
in all his horror?
It's a horror.
All of this is a horror!
Head! Arm! Leg! Horrors!
- A man's leg is ghastly, isn't it?
- Yeah!
Is an arm beautiful?
And breastless torsos!
They're unbearable!
Oh, heinous partition!
Oh, infamous distribution!
Only Woman
was given all by the Gods!
Woman is a copy of Man,
but we are only a caricature!
For we men are...
We are...
We are ugly!
We're so ugly!
Now you see that though
his power be great,
Caesar is nothing but...
Caesar is nothing but
a poor little guy
Poor little guy!
Don't exaggerate!
He's still Emperor of Rome.
He's not just anybody!
He's guarded! It'll be hard
to stab him in the mug
or blow up his ass!
But who'd want to do that?
Stab his face
or blow up his behind?
Who? Us!
Aren't we plotting to kill Caesar?
Am I dreaming?
It'll be hard to corner him.
But once we get him, we can choose
poison, stabbing,
drowning in his bath,
smothering or whatever we decide.
Later we forget we ever met!
Yes!
Centurion! Guards!
- Help!
- Caesar!
Arrest him!
This hoodlum wants to kill me!
To the dungeons with him!
It's not me...
Mr. Caesar!
To the arena! To the lions!
Hold me up, angels.
I feel dizzy!
He wants to kill me
with a sword!
Put me on the cushions!
I'm going to faint!
Give me some air, baby!
Watch the arch!
We can't go under it.
It's too low.
What'll I look like now,
arriving at Caesar's court this way?
All the Roman Empire is watching me.
Not at this hour.
We can't get through there either.
There!
I told you so!
Smear honey on these bearers
and throw them to the ants!
I'll do it.
Once we find some honey.
Bravo!
Where's the principal street?
For who?
- For everyone!
- For me,
the principal street has
the most bars
but that one's the chic street.
Where are they going?
Straight ahead!
By Osiris! Straight!
They don't understand a thing.
Shit!
Not straight! Turn!
Turn!
Turn!
Drawn and quartered!
And thrown to the pigs!
Patrician,
could you help Cleopatra?
Certainly!
Just do as I say.
Forward! Straight ahead!
- The wall!
- Now turn! Stop!
Imbeciles!
Morons!
It's fate.
To hell with fate!
This is too much!
I spent 3 hours doing
my toes, hair and nails.
All for Egypt!
I rehearsed my arrival a month!
Now I look like shit!
Don't worry, divine Cleopatra.
Nobody saw you.
Right?
We're lucky in our misfortune,
my Queen.
Great Roman patrician,
where is Caesar's palace?
I can't go there in this condition!
How can I?
My chariot's a wreck!
Don't worry, divine Cleopatra.
I got a pal
who specializes in chariots.
If you'll get in my taxi...
My monkey and 2 falcons!
Yeah. I know...
Don't worry.
I'll see to everything.
Not too rough a ride?
Looks like he's out.
I'm a mess!
You're ok.
The bathroom?
That way...
What is it?
- That!
- What?
My grandpa! Pharaoh Sesostris
Amenofis Nyopartiefet...
called Sesostris for short.
Listen to this.
"I place this portrait in the babe's
cradle on the Nile.
"Blessed be the finder.
The boy will be Pharaoh of Egypt!"
The baby placed in the cradle
on the Nile
was my brother Aminemefet!
Grandpa raised me.
7 years earlier,
he'd put my brother in a foster home.
Take this baby
to Palestine.
He's the future Pharaoh.
I want him wet-nursed
by my old Hebrew friends,
Rachel and Simon Goldenberg.
Great Pharaoh,
why does your grandson have to be
suckled by a Hebrew nurse?
Politics.
Though he is not of Jewish blood,
he will be of Jewish milk!
Just after Aminemefet got there,
Herod massacred all boys
under 6 months of age.
He feared the King of the Jews
would take his throne.
Rachel set my brother
afloat on the Nile.
Don't be so pushy!
Get in line like everyone else!
They persecute us too, ya know!
We never heard of him after that.
I must learn why this portrait
is here.
Your mechanic must know
what's become of my brother.
Who are the others?
Nobody!
There's no conspiracy!
Caesar invited me in.
For a drink?
Yes! How could I know
it was Caesar?
His noble face
is on all our banknotes!
He wore a wig and mustache!
I didn't recognize his kisser.
Let me yank out
his nails and 4 or 5 teeth.
I'll break an arm or two!
No, I work with my hands!
I'm not an egghead like you.
Lucien loves tender broken arms.
Lock him up!
We'll go and search
his garage for accomplices!
Come out. You're surrounded!
Give up!
We're here in force!
Ben-Hur's in jail!
You're under arrest!
May we know why?
For conspiracy against Caesar
and Cleopatra!
I am Cleopatra.
Queen of Egypt.
And why not Caesar's wife
while you're at it?
I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt!
I demand the honors
worthy of my rank.
Cleopatra in a garage
at 6 AM? Sure!
And where're your chariot
and your tiara?
Her tiara is in her chariot
with a monkey and 2 falcons.
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Yes. A monkey and 2 falcons.
Run this drunk in,
along with the dame!
I spent a whole day
on skin cure,
a bubblebath and massage.
I went to town, I even spring-cleaned
for that Indian!
Egyptian!
She's Egyptian.
Egyptian! Indian!
What's the difference?
All I know is she's late.
That idiot's going to
screw up my party!
Can't you find out where she is?
You and your Rosetta-stone cops!
My nerves!
They're shot!
And I was attacked
in my room at 2 AM
by a bloodthirsty terrorist!
Your door has 24-hour guards!
Yes but...
What?
What are you insinuating?
Have you finished?
Keep your remarks to yourself.
That's not the problem.
Where's Cleopatra?
Hail, Demetrios!
Hail, Caesar!
And Cleopatra?
Still no news, Consul.
Such incompetence!
The Queen of Egypt
is roaming a land
we claim to control
in a chariot with camels,
a monkey and 2 falcons
and nobody's noticed her?
A monkey and 2 falcons?
Yes!
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Even a gross Gaul knows
Cleopatra always has
a monkey and 2 falcons with her.
A monkey and 2 falcons?
Yes!
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Is he retarded or what?
At a garage
we just picked up a dame
who says she's Cleopatra
and her pal spoke
about a monkey and 2 falcons.
A garage?
She said she's Cleopatra?
Yes, noble Consul.
You arrested her?
Of course.
Is it her?
I don't know.
He doesn't know!
Everyone knows
we've lost Cleopatra.
He finds one but he can't tell
a Queen of Egypt
with a monkey and 2 falcons
from a local whore!
A woman in an evening gown
at 6 AM...
At 6 AM? Such taste!
Where is she?
The arena prison.
By Jupiter! My chariot!
Where'd you get this?
It was in my cradle.
By Osiris!
I was found abandoned
on the Nile.
It was in the cradle.
Ben-Hur Gaston,
my adopted dad,
taught me to be a mechanic.
He put that on the wall.
But you never read it?
Hieroglyphics
are Greek to me.
If this papyrus
was in your cradle,
you're my brother!
She's kiddin'?
No. The papyrus says it's true.
You read papyrus?
It says
you're her brother named...
Aminemefet!
- Your brother?
- Yes
and heir
to the throne of Egypt!
Your resemble Grandpa!
Stop shittin' me!
You're my sis?
Yes!
Shit!
A brother and sister!
What a feast, Lucien!
Coming!
Who's there?
The Consul!
Is that her?
Absolutely.
Divine Cleopatra!
Forgive me. I throw
myself at your feet.
An incredible error.
A police screw-up.
They're fools led by a fool!
I agree.
Divine Cleopatra,
how may I be forgiven?
Begin by letting us out of here.
Certainly!
Move it!
He means you!
My chariot!
Make way for Cleopatra!
Not you.
What are you doing here?
Let me present my brother...
Pharaoh Aminemefet!
If you don't mind, Mr. Commoner!
And him?
My chief general!
Divine Cleopatra...
Back to canned cat food,
Lucien!
Are you nuts?
7! Red!
The Romans really know
how to have fun!
Politics keep us too busy.
And money!
And the Oat-Producers' Congress!
We've no time to play!
Very true!
Who'd defend our interests
except us?
We need an agent who's young,
dynamic and trustworthy
to be our Western sales rep!
We need a guy to stand up for us.
An energetic guy.
The merchants have
Ben-Hur Marcel.
So let's ask Ben-Hur Marcel!
He's a civilian.
No, he's a pharaoh!
That's the last straw!
I repainted
the royal apartments,
washed the mosaics,
got new rugs and flowers
and she stays in a garage!
She's at her brother's.
What a political change.
If Ben-Hur Marcel is Pharaoh,
you'll deal with him.
Cleopatra's visit is meaningless.
You won't need to wed her.
What a relief!
It's easier to get along with...
a pharaoh than a pharess, eh?
What's he like?
Sort of pudgy.
Really?
Listen, sweety,
the country's future
and politics come before
personal interests.
So I'll see this pudgy boy.
I'll go see him.
I mean, I'll go see
the young Pharaoh.
That?
Yes, Caesar.
I'll get grease all over me!
Let Caesar pass!
Tell me, young patrician...
What?
It's him! The killer!
Guards, seize him! Careful!
He's armed!
Not again!
What is this?
He tried to kill me!
He told me to!
You told him what?
Me? Nothing!
You'd better hold your tongue!
You can't talk to Pharaoh that way!
Seize this man!
What is all this?
Guards, seize that one too!
You can't. He's my pal!
Seize him!
This is incredible!
Guards, seize these guards!
What?
Guards, grab these guards!
What's going on?
It's weird, my Queen.
What's going on?
Mighty Caesar, I presume?
Obviously.
Where did she spring from?
I am accustomed
to warmer welcomes.
She's divine Cleopatra!
Glad to greet you,
divine Cleopatra.
About time!
The pleasure's all mine, Caesar.
This is my brother,
Pharaoh Aminemefet.
Impossible! He's the one!
He told me to do it.
Believe me now?
He could tell
everyone how he met you!
So?
Yes. That's true.
Would you like a drink?
No. Thank you, divine one.
I just came to officially
invite you
to the Circus Games
on Sunday.
With pleasure, mighty Caesar.
The contestants are
prime quality.
I hear your gladiators
are very good.
I hear your chariot driver
is very skilled!
Don't let me interrupt you.
There maybe a change
to the program.
Asskisserus knows
Egyptian customs and,
in international games,
the Pharaoh, when present,
heads the Egyptian team.
Exactly.
So Ben-Hur Marcel... Aminemafet
will represent your country.
Normally, yes.
Very good!
I'm honored
but that doesn't suit me.
Sunday I'm busy
and I can't take
a union man's job.
You've no choice.
It's the custom.
The custom? That's a bummer!
On patrol and sentry-duty,
a Roman guard sweats
under his armor.
Armpitus!
The trooper's deodorant
for soldiers of taste.
Live today
from the Rahat-Locum Circus.
We're here for the Circus Games
being given by Caesar,
Master of the Western World,
for Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt,
5'8", 104 pounds,
out of Amenofistofelet
of the 18th Dynasty
by Adtorsis.
21 on the Gallic chariot!
She rules Egypt!
Each pyramid and crypt
Sings praise to her ancestors
Cleopatra!
Beneath the sky of Egyptus
Grows the eucalyptus
Amid blossoms and rocks
Glide swans and peacocks
Cleopatra!
Emperors! Caliphs!
In hieroglyphs
Let her name be writ
Should Champollion find it
One day in Egypt
And thereafter transmit
This inscription:
She's glad to be Egyptian
What's this?
What's what?
This mad circus?
But it's your circus!
What're these sideshows doing,
these things in my circus?
It's advertising!
What?
I ordered a grandiose celebration!
Caesar, the coffers are empty.
We had to find a solution.
Pardon me for involving you
in such a farce.
Tomorrow I'll have it all moved.
Never mind.
We're all in the some boat.
Stay alert!
Watch for my signal.
Are you in love, ladies?
Make your gladiator glad!
Wear Frivolitus!
Ready to go, boys?
We'll eat those Romans alive.
We'll make mincemeat
of the Egyptians.
How's Ben-Hur Marcel?
Fine! But a bit tired
from tuning up his chariot.
- Have you seen it?
- No, not yet.
You should.
It concerns you most of all.
- Worth a detour?
- And how!
Divine Cleopatra,
mighty Caesar, hail!
Ladies and gentlemen of Rome,
foreign friends,
today's games
offered by mighty Caesar
to divine Cleopatra
will allow us to designate
but one victor!
First event, the chariot race!
The chariots are ready to start!
They're coming onto the track.
I'll give you
their names and numbers
before the draw.
The Greek entry driven
by Efistalopoulos
for King Simonides' stables
has been scratched
and will be replaced by chariot 2.
Now they're off
and it's an admirable sight!
A remarkable ballet
of machines, men and horses
in perfect harmony!
The haughty herd of
hammering hooves
makes the dust dance like stars
in the sparkling air
of the multi-hued arena.
What's going on?
The chariots are lining up
before mighty Caesar,
5'9", 180 lbs, son of Nero,
grandson of Caligula,
a fine line that has given
the empire so many leaders.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in all my 40 years
with Imperial Roman TV,
I have never seen such a thing!
What's wrong with them?
Mighty Caesar,
consider the race over.
We abandon the competition.
We cannot race
against Ben-Hur Marcel.
He is our master.
We ask you to declare him
the winner.
This is absurd!
Firstly, where is
this Ben-Hur Marcel?
My brother's good!
Not bad!
The chariot is illegal.
It meets Egyptian specifications.
Now!
The Arab world
respects Egypt's rules.
So we beg you, mighty Caesar,
to declare Aminemefet the winner!
They can't!
They can. They control all
the energy, you idiot!
What?
The consul means
we should be diplomatic
with our powerful guests.
But they're going
too far... Really!
What do I do?
Declare him the winner.
I declare Ben-Hur Marcel...
Aminemefet...
Aminemefet the winner!
Divine Cleopatra,
mighty Caesar, Romans,
foreign friends,
Aminemefet of Egypt
has won the chariot race.
But now he must confront
gladiators, animals and other stuff.
Gladiators, to your places!
The gladiators
the young Pharaoh will face are,
if I may say so,
the crme de la crme
of the Empire's fighters.
We are about to see
the Myrmidon Placius,
trained by Valerian,
the Thracian Mauritius who beat
Homo Placus Miserias Ventris
in 1 minute 27 seconds 6 tenths,
and the fantastic, colossal
and indeed scary Secutor
Flavian Magister,
of whom they say
"Even when absent, he terrifies!"
Those about to die
in agonizing convulsions,
writhing in pain
in a pool of blood...
Skip the details.
Those about to die salute thee!
Fate will now designate
Aminemefet's opponent.
Divine Cleopatra! Mighty Caesar!
Aminemefet's fate lies
in your hands!
Divine Cleopatra...
The honor is yours!
5 and 2, 7.
6 and 3, 9.
Caesar, what opponent do you choose?
I'll give him a tough one.
Secutor!
Caesar has chosen Secutor.
He looks in shape.
The short guy?
I'll waste him.
Yeah, you'll waste him
but next Sunday some guy'll
waste you!
Weird job you do,
getting beaten up all the time.
Caesar doesn't give a damn.
What's going on?
Ya got no coverage!
No social security!
No Medicare!
And because you die out there,
not even a pension plan.
I'd change jobs.
What you say is true.
Ya ought to fight back.
Ya need a guy
to defend your interests!
He's hard to find.
Come here.
Hey, fellas!
That's enough!
What're you up to?
Mighty Caesar.
I've talked to my comrades.
We feel our labor classification
is unjust.
From now on,
we want official gladiator status
with social and fiscal advantages.
If not, we strike.
Right, guys?
They're punch-drunk!
Go fight!
I'll give you
what you want but fight!
Get it in writing!
We want that in writing!
The Consul must meet your union rep.
The Consul must talk
to our union rep!
And who is
your union representative?
My colleagues and I
have democratically elected
Ben-Hur Marcel.
That pudgy thing'll drive me crazy!
I'm fed up!
Guards!
Force the gladiators to fight!
- Well?
- No hassle! Go!
No, mighty Caesar!
We won't budge.
As the Roman security force,
we're made to do the dirty work.
That's why we're hated.
We beat up students,
we beat up workers,
but we won't beat up strikers.
We're working for Ben-Hur Marcel
from now on!
Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!
I don't feel at all well.
My gala is a bust!
My arena, plastered with soap ads!
My guards turned
into sandwich-men!
I'm covered with ridicule!
They'll still be laughing
in the 20th century!
Get hold of yourself, mighty Caesar!
I'm sick of that pudgy thing!
Get rid of him.
Rid me of him!
If you love me, get rid of him.
Calm down!
Your wild beasts won't betray you.
They don't want welfare benefits!
They don't?
Straighten up!
Be the mighty Caesar!
At times, it's very hard.
Ok...
Gladiators, is that your last word?
Absolutely!
What do I do?
Explode or what?
I'll hang on. I'm Emperor.
Aminemefet, the winner!
Romans!
Respect for democratic principles
forces me
to yield to popular demands.
But the games are not over!
The wild beasts are waiting!
Aminemefet has won
the gladiator event.
He'll now face a wild beast.
Divine Cleopatra!
Caesar! Your play!
A double 5!
I love your hair.
You use a rinse?
It's natural.
But I use cyclamen-juice shampoo.
I must try it.
Isn't it nice, Tatoous?
Not bad, my Queen.
Well?
A double 6!
I get to choose.
What is Divine Cleopatra's choice?
The lion!
Cleopatra has chosen the lion!
Yes! It's him!
Lucien the Lion!
Like 9 out of I 0 beasts,
Lucien prefers Caninus!
Caninus! The big feast
in a little can!
For silky fur, use Hairsheenus!
The shampoo with that jungle aroma!
We're on TV live! For free!
Caninus, a feast for your pets!
That lion's eaten so much,
he can't get
off his ass!
Even the lion...
Even the lion...
Cleopatra! Caesar!
I never saw this happen before!
So... Aminemefet, the winner!
Aminemefet, the winner!
That does it.
Poison me! I want to die!
Give me hemlock,
with a little sugar.
You must congratulate the victor!
Never!
It's the tradition.
You must embrace the winner.
Embrace him?
No, that's not possible.
I'd rather die!
Come on, embracing a pudgy fellow
won't kill you.
A pudgy one?
He does seem rather nice.
I said so before!
I must look like
I was hit by a sphinx!
A mess, eh?
Look at my crown...
I get so upset with myself.
Come on up!
Congratulations,
valiant young Pharaoh!
And I love your outfit too.
Very attractive!
Here's the trophy
that will always remind the world
of your great victory.
Thank you.
No, that's enough...
Friends...
My friends!
Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!
My message to you is
but 1 word.
Reconciliation!
You all think Caesar is shit.
Ya think
the Consul and his men are shit.
Emirs, cops and the army are shit.
They think you're shit!
And both sides are right!
Cuz ya let 'em take ya for shit!
Since we're all shit, why fight?
- Stop drinking, dear.
- But, mommy...
And don't mommy me!
Being a mechanic wasn't my calling.
I just followed my dad.
Being Pharaoh suits me fine!
Rubies are nice
but can't go with everything.
8 days in Mesopotamia,
I didn't bathe even once!
A little lamb?
Dancing girls?
Coffee?
- Now that...
- A drop of coffee, yes.
You must tell me
who does your gowns...
Bethlehem is jammed
with tourists
and it's impossible
to find an inn room.
A carpenter and his pregnant wife
were forced to sleep in a stable
where the woman gave birth to a son.
Such crap on TV!
A kid in a stable!
Big deal!
Look! Isn't he sweet?
Wait till he grows up!
At least it's a boy!
Can't they show sports?
A kid born in a stable
in Bethlehem!
That's gonna change the world?
What did I say?
How'll a kid born in a stable
change things?
The divine child is born!
Play your cassettus and transistory!
The divine child is born!
Let's videotape some History!
This film was restored
by PATH in 2013
In those days,
from Scotland to the Gobi,
from the Turkish hills
to the Hispanic shores,
one man alone held sway over
the civilized world,
Caesar!
Each year,
mighty Caesar vacationed
in Rahat-Locum,
a Roman colony in North Africa.
A QUARTER TO TWO B.C.
Want some good grass?
It's Phoenician!
Piss off!
What's all this? See what's wrong!
Outta the way!
Don't rupture yourself!
Move over!
Where's the fire?
If you're in a rush, get a camel!
Pain in the ass!
I'm workin'!
No reason to piss everybody off!
Why bitch?
Ya ain't got a fare.
Cuz I stop at noon for chow,
asshole!
Say that again...
Let's see if I get mad.
Gonna scare me, ya big bag?
If I come over
real close
and look ya in the eye,
got the guts to repeat that?
- Big bag!
- Me?
Yeah! Ya know what kind?
Me? A big bag?
What's up?
This dope's blockin' my way.
Chariot races are held
in the Circus.
What a clown!
Shut up!
I want the street cleared by 3.
Again!
I'm sick of this.
Move along! Don't gawk!
Close up your stands!
Caesar's guest is due.
Clear the street for the procession.
Close your shops!
Same thing every day!
Him and his foreign guests
ruin our sales!
Always showin' off for bigwigs
from Africa.
And Gaul!
Enough!
Go tell Caesar your troubles.
He's getting some new lions.
Big ones!
And I hear they're hungry!
We'd better leave.
Didn't you hear me?
Clear the street!
We just told you.
I'm just gonna grab a bite to eat.
See to this guy.
Ok... ok...
The Consul will convert
the Julian Severus Theater
into a supermarket
to increase government profits...
- Camparius!
- Americanus!
Hot tea but hold the sugar!
I'm on a diet.
Tax will be the same
for urban and provincial Romans
enabling them
to proudly share in the grandeur
of Rome.
To hell with Rome!
Arab emirs at the Congress
of Oat-Producing Nations
today announced a rise
to 18 sesterces
per quintal of grain.
Many emirs are arriving
for the festivities
organized by mighty Caesar in honor
of Cleopatra.
Kill the boob tube!
In Bethlehem...
It's all bullshit!
What'll become of us?
The price of oats is up
and this supermarket
will ruin business!
So have a glass of champagnus!
Ya don't care?
You bet I don't.
If the supermarket puts you
out of business
and keeps deliveries from blockin'
traffic, I won't mind!
Slob!
Hey, if you're so tough
use your merchants' union!
Sounds like a revolt's in the air!
Paulus is needlin' us.
Seen TV?
Like everybody!
We gotta stop 'em!
Exactly!
Know what I say?
Caesar's the big bad wolf
cuz the Romans are lambs!
Caesar's a lion
cuz the Romans are deers!
- True!
- Smart words!
He's smart.
Smart! But what else?
So what else, smarty?
I say we should let Caesar know
that we're fed up!
We should pick
a strong-fisted leader
who'll tell him so!
That we're sick and tired
and fed up!
Right! Exactly!
And it's you!
What?
The strong-fisted leader!
President of the Merchants!
But...
We'll go see the Consul
und let Ben-Hur Marcel
speak for us all!
And say it's the last straw!
Be our leader, Ben-Hur Marcel!
Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna talk to
the Consul!
Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna speak
for us all!
What is it?
- The masses!
- Well?
They seem to be crabby, Consul.
I got your message!
Citizens!
Do you want lower taxes?
Work for all?
An end to inflation?
We can do nothing for now
but as soon as we can,
we'll double our efforts!
Promises, promises!
We want guarantees!
Guarantees!
They're being a drag.
This can't go on!
Rome is a democracy!
We have rights!
Who are you?
Ben-Hur Marcel! Mechanic!
Merchants' President!
You're their leader?
Too right, Dwight!
So speak up!
Things were fine till Caesar came.
Then the shit hit the fan!
Caesar bestrides the world!
We trot between the giant legs
like midgets.
On what flesh does Caesar feed
to become so great?
Are Rome's walls to gird
but one man?
So we're fed up with Caesar!
Me?
Why not the others?
You're alone, asshole!
Listen, Demetrius Cassius
Titus Marcus Et Ceterus...
My designer miscut my pleats!
I can't wear this rag
to Caesar's Palace!
I want him torn to shreds
in the arena!
A bloody ragdoll!
Not in front of the guards...
Screw the guards!
Toss him in the arena
with a trident in his torso!
A sword slicing up his entrails!
His bruised body in a net!
His nose bashed!
Enough of this!
You've made me throw
a plumber to the lions...
Crucify a barber.
- Indeed!
- Now a dress designer?
So?
You're going to damage
my popularity!
Why did a nice Gallic gal like me
marry a Roman?
Now what?
Hail. Demetrius Cassius Marcus Oct...
Never mind!
- Well?
- Actually, in front of...
What's with this make-believe macho?
I'm the Consul's wife!
I hear all that goes on here.
Careful or you'll end up
in the arena!
Enough of that!
Go on.
It's your son...
His son? MY son! What's wrong?
He's dead! Hurt!
Do something, you Roman!
Give it a rest, Laetitia!
My son?
He was driving a chariot drunk.
Jupiter be praised.
The schmuck!
Bring him to me.
- The Highway Guards have him.
- So?
Highway Guards
and Palace Guards don't...
Free him! And tell
the Highway Guards
to shape up or I'll put a few
in the arena!
Finally!
Go tend to your lace laurels!
He really stuffs himself!
3 or 4 every Sunday in the arena!
Especially Greeks!
He has a soft spot for Greeks.
It must be their diet.
Stuffed grape leaves, souvlaki...
Greeks are tasty, eh, Lucien?
It's odd...
Turks eat like Greeks but...
he's not hot for Turks.
He doesn't like Spartans much.
Too dry!
He tears them up.
He toys with their sandals
but hardly eats a thing.
Gauls are too pickled.
He won't touch Biafrans.
That's understandable.
And Romans?
He loves them for dessert.
They're like rum cakes for him
but he doesn't get many.
Only skinny common criminals
fed on
dry bread.
But you!
You'll be a feast!
Look...
He's spotted you!
He has a good eye.
He knows who's who!
We could make a deal.
Listen,
you let me knock you out
and then fall
so I can grab your keys.
I'll pay!
Let you escape? You're joking?
Now I'm all for making a little cash.
Civil servants' pay is low
and fully declared.
So if ya want extras...
Having food brought in,
some packages...
But no escape!
I'd land in the arena in your place!
Then again,
Lucien wouldn't touch me.
- Right, Lucien?
- See!
But the others!
The gladiators!
They're wild animals!
They jab a trident
down your throat and twist it!
They lop off your hands!
They bash heads with axes!
It hurts!
They leave you in the sun
covered with honey and ants.
Camels lick you
while you slowly die,
lying for hours in the hot sun.
Right, I need to clean up the arena
and scatter some sawdust.
It's gonna be
a bloody Sunday.
Spurting blood!
Calm down, Lucien!
Be patient!
Sunday he's yours!
A plot?
Plenty of them!
But we can't check everybody's ID,
frisk chariots, arrest students
without arousing the masses
who are baying for blood.
So we'll organize our own plot.
It'll also unmask rabble-rousers.
Once Caesar survives
our phony ambush,
we can arrest plenty of suspects!
Brilliant, Consul!
We must hire
a clever firebrand,
loyal to us,
of course.
Don't you have an agent
smart enough?
Leave us!
My men are just cops!
No intelligent ones there!
Or use someone very dumb!
That'd do.
That we can find!
Hail, Deme...
Stop hailing me all day!
It gets on my nerves!
Well?
I got your son released
from the Highway Guards.
Look at that get-up!
Go to your room.
Don't smirk!
Next time you'll stay in stir!
And the town?
All going swimmingly.
Their ringleader is in prison.
- People?
- No worries!
The guy was just a mechanic.
It's a pity to feed him to a lion.
He's the only good chariot
mechanic in this damn town.
Why in Hades are we here
except to please
a brainless emperor
who in the meantime is...
Sorry!
My nerves are shot to hell.
Yes, I know...
You may go.
Shitty Jupiter-damned cape
of a half-assed uniform!
The men are fed up
with all this shit.
All this... shit.
That idiot gave me an idea.
What's the mechanic's name?
Ben-Hur Marcel.
Not very Roman,
but it's just as well.
He's the man
for our phony conspiracy.
Everyone heard him.
He's in jail now,
for plotting against Caesar!
Brilliant, Consul!
She reigns over Egypt
Each pyramid and crypt
Sings the praises
of her ancestors the Pharaohs
Neath the skies of Egypta
There grows the calyptra
Amid blossoms and rocks
Glide swans and peacocks
Let Asskisserus pass!
Hail to the envoy
of Consul Demetrius!
Keep your own nose, dear Queen.
One too long could change
the face of the world.
Divine Cleopatra,
may the Gods help me
to convince
Your Luminous Majesty
that although
mighty Caesar holds the fate
of the world in his hands,
yet in the provinces
as the Gauls say
"Though smart as foxes,
we're not oxes!"
Rahat-Locum
is not like Imperial Rome
where roads are broad and wide,
suitable for processions.
Asskisserus, you windbag!
Full of hot air!
But, divine Cleopatra!
Rahat-Locum is a tiny town
of narrow alleys
and difficult, twisting,
sandy streets.
Majestic Luminosity...
Your Luminous Majesty should
use the express highway.
Am I dreaming?
Tell your Emperor
the Queen of Egypt makes the laws!
Pyramid builders don't use
express highways
amid Roman delivery chariots!
I'll use Rahat-Locum's main avenue.
If it's not wide enough,
tell mighty Caesar
to raze half the city!
Like this!
Is that clear?
But, Majesty...
Remove this ass
and his building blocks!
I only express the orders of
the Consul who is not too smart.
It's awful having to work
for such a dope!
If I could serve
a sovereign like you,
Luminous Majesty!
Majestic Luminosity!
Musculus!
Bicepsus! Tricepsus!
Dorsus dorsalum! Dorsus pectorus!
Musculus bicepsus!
Tricepsus et pectorem!
Who's the little dark man?
- Dark?
- Pudgy?
The dark pudgy one.
Juvenius, Consul.
Juvenius!
He trains badly.
He should be punished.
Indeed, Caesar. You heard?
I'll cast him into the arena
next Sunday!
Caesar's hard but fair.
He must be punished
but not in the arena.
Put him on night duty.
As you wish, great Caesar.
He'll stand guard for a week
at the North Gate
where nights are harshest.
You're the harsh one!
Don't be so severe.
Post him outside my room
tomorrow night.
Do as you're told.
Add a man
in case he goes off duty.
He wouldn't dare!
You schmuck.
Do it or you'll end up
in a lion's belly.
Yes, Consul.
Come with me.
We have serious matters to discuss.
Demetrius, baby,
just who is this Cleopatra?
A savage?
They say she's a woman of power.
Girl-scout type?
No.
Dictatorial but fairly feminine.
How ghastly!
But for the good of Rome we must
give her a perfect reception.
What do you think of these?
My costumes for the festivities!
Very gay! I hope it's sunny.
I want fabulous games!
Chariot races, gladiators...
I want gladiators who are big,
handsome and virile and all...
plus 2 or 3 not too big,
not too skinny.
Some pudgies.
As you wish.
But I'd like to talk politics.
Politics!
That bores me to tears!
I'm busy preparing for the Armenian!
Egyptian!
If you say so... Egyptian!
Must I worry about politics as well?
Noble Caesar,
the people are discontent.
People! What are the people?
Plumbers and maids!
Must I reign for the people?
Aside from them
is everyone else happy?
Absolutely.
So let's run the country
with the decent people!
That's impossible.
Revolt is sprouting everywhere.
Each day state officials,
judges, centurions,
tax collectors
are attacked by the Purple Brigades.
Public buildings are damaged daily.
Just look!
The Courthouse...
The Tax Center...
The Circus...
They've all been hit!
The Purple Brigades even smashed
your statue.
Good!
I hated the outfit
I was wearing.
I'll have it redone,
with pleats down the front
and a much fuller cut.
Take measures.
Send me my sculptor.
Political measures!
Be an angel and see to all that!
And also...
Hush! That's enough!
Having an empire's fine
but I want my privacy too!
Have I no right to live?
The state... The Empire...
Listen to me, noble Caesar!
Our economy needs an alliance
with Egypt.
Couldn't you take...
advantage of her visit...
and offer to wed Cleopatra?
Wed? What do you mean?
Marriage?
Only for political reasons!
You wouldn't have to...
What? He's lost his mind!
Me? Wed an Ethiopian?
Egyptian...
Sweetie,
I know you're devoted to me,
fussing over the Empire,
but you need a rest!
I mean, really!
Frankly, you've flipped!
Me with a broad and bawling brats?
A nightmare!
Ciao, Consul baby.
That's too funny!
Go, home, have some herb tea
and go beddy-byes!
I can't get over it!
He said "wed"!
Of all things!
I never heard anything so silly!
What's Caesar like?
They say he's very strong.
I mean as a person.
Chic with class.
That helps!
A good host.
Nouvelle cuisine, etc.
10,000 miles for pickled dormice
in strawberry jam!
For the grandeur of Egypt,
I hope we win the chariot races.
Leave us!
Come.
Sit down.
ID file...
"Ben-Hur Marcel.
32. Merchant Union President."
A subversive group?
We're only merchants who organize
special 2-week sales
with prizes and so on.
They say
you're a rebel
who criticizes the Empire
and that you're ready
to strike at Caesar.
It happened once...
cuz they pushed me.
Never mind.
I like that.
I need a man like you.
You know of plots against Caesar?
Being in business,
I hear folks talk.
Some say, "Kick him out on his ass!"
Or "Let's crucify him!"
"Perch him on a pyramid!"
But I've never heard of a plot.
You'll organize one.
A plot?
You and your merchants
will plan a conspiracy for me.
A conspiracy?
Against Caesar!
I'm not interested.
It's not my thing.
Makin' fun of Caesar and sayin'...
"That shit-face?
When he coughs, it's a fart!"
That's one thing but...
I mean... Sorry.
Sorry...
No conspiracies!
You must have specialists
who'd love to do it.
We're amateurs!
We'd slow you down.
You have no choice.
You do it or it's...
Sunday with Lucien!
In that case, I can handle it fine.
Some conspirators meet
nightly in the catacombs.
If our friend Ben-Hur Marcel
were to contact them...
Good idea! You'll go there
and infiltrate the terrorists.
Then report to us
and I'll decide.
Yes but...
what if they don't want me?
Lucien!
I see. Ok...
Here we are.
What do I owe you?
8 sesterces.
Thanks.
Ok, Lucette?
Some guys are kooks!
Well, baby?
How much?
20 in the chariot, 25 out.
Son of a bitch!
Pardon me?
Givin' me a hard time?
I don't give it away!
Yeah... ok.
You're cute
but I can't take anymore!
Going, dolls?
We're washed out!
From the baths!
Time for bed, Crocus!
See you, sweetie!
A closet queen with a mask!
Hi, you!
Hi, Reginus!
Good crowd?
Wild! Come in!
Here already, baby?
Here we do us we please!
No one'll deck us!
We hug and squeeze
In our homosexualis discothecus
Let the disco play!
Come shake your plexus!
It's all very gay
In the Homo-Disco-Texus!
Citizen! Got 2 or 3 sesterces
for a drink?
How do I get into the catacombs?
The door's not far.
Careful! Some odd guys
hang out there.
'Night, dolls!
'Night Ma!
Take care.
Hello, you!
Hi, ladies'n'gents!
I'm lookin' for friends.
But I don't know...
They said I'd find...
They're here to plan
something special.
Yes, it's special!
I don't know if...
it's in the catacombs.
Well, it's...
downstairs.
Care to take a peek?
Come in!
What's wrong, kitten? Shy?
No, but they said it was a secret.
It's not secret!
It's just discreet.
But everyone knows.
Cops come here too!
Hello, fellas! Hi, men!
Go on in!
What a dodo!
What'll it be, kitten.
Champagne?
Right.
Shit! Here, kitten!
'Evening!
Hi!
Are they all conspirators?
Pardon?
They're all conspirators?
What?
They all are?
Sure!
And you too?
You're one too?
Isn't that obvious?
Come on.
I can't hear...
You don't look like one.
I haven't been for long.
I'm not really one yet.
I want to but I don't know
where to begin.
It's easy!
I can show you the ropes.
That's kind. This wasn't my idea
but a guy forced me into it.
But now you're willing
to participate?
Sure!
But I'm not really active.
Can't passive roles be fun too?
Let the others do all the work.
That'd suit me!
But I could give a helping hand.
It's just I don't have the knack.
Don't worry.
Everything will be made easy for you.
That'd be nice!
Shall we dance?
Sure.
Come on.
What's wrong?
They can't stand.
This fool made them smoke!
My arrival was scheduled for 5 PM.
It's 2 AM!
I know, my Queen!
What does our guide say?
Oh, him!...
Hasch-Minafer!
Cleopatra's the most beautiful!
She's the best!
What have I done to Osiris
to deserve this?
Draw and quarter him at once!
I can't alone but once the guards
wake, I'll do my best.
Like it?
Nice...
But a bit sissyish.
He's so funny!
- Make yourself comfortable!
- I'm fine.
Thirsty?
Champagne.
It's good.
We need to decide who does what.
Sit down.
Relax.
Let's not rush things.
We've plenty of time.
I'd rather work fast.
Pick the right moment and...
bang!
You're hot stuff...
The 1st part is hard but...
once we begin,
we have to go all the way.
And no improvising!
Just a little?
With an ordinary customer, maybe.
But with Caesar,
it has to be done just right.
You know?
I see you do.
This can go.
True,
Caesar is an exceptional person,
yet he's a man like all others.
In certain realms,
he must be treated only
as a man and nothing more.
For Man...
Man is weak,
my young patrician.
True, it's not his fault
but a question of mentality.
But once Man is aware
of his weakness,
aware of his frailty
and aware of his ugliness...
For he is ugly!
Man is ugly!
- You do agree?
- Yeah!
Oh, thankless Nature
who had Man modeled
in the image of strength
rather than grace!
All that is male
is force and ugliness.
Walls. Rocks. Swords!
Whereas all that is female
is gentleness and tenderness.
Flowers. Rivers. Music!
You're too young,
my young patrician,
to have known Woman
in all her splendor.
Sure, but I get by.
What poet,
with tragic lucidity,
will describe the mule
in all his horror?
It's a horror.
All of this is a horror!
Head! Arm! Leg! Horrors!
- A man's leg is ghastly, isn't it?
- Yeah!
Is an arm beautiful?
And breastless torsos!
They're unbearable!
Oh, heinous partition!
Oh, infamous distribution!
Only Woman
was given all by the Gods!
Woman is a copy of Man,
but we are only a caricature!
For we men are...
We are...
We are ugly!
We're so ugly!
Now you see that though
his power be great,
Caesar is nothing but...
Caesar is nothing but
a poor little guy
Poor little guy!
Don't exaggerate!
He's still Emperor of Rome.
He's not just anybody!
He's guarded! It'll be hard
to stab him in the mug
or blow up his ass!
But who'd want to do that?
Stab his face
or blow up his behind?
Who? Us!
Aren't we plotting to kill Caesar?
Am I dreaming?
It'll be hard to corner him.
But once we get him, we can choose
poison, stabbing,
drowning in his bath,
smothering or whatever we decide.
Later we forget we ever met!
Yes!
Centurion! Guards!
- Help!
- Caesar!
Arrest him!
This hoodlum wants to kill me!
To the dungeons with him!
It's not me...
Mr. Caesar!
To the arena! To the lions!
Hold me up, angels.
I feel dizzy!
He wants to kill me
with a sword!
Put me on the cushions!
I'm going to faint!
Give me some air, baby!
Watch the arch!
We can't go under it.
It's too low.
What'll I look like now,
arriving at Caesar's court this way?
All the Roman Empire is watching me.
Not at this hour.
We can't get through there either.
There!
I told you so!
Smear honey on these bearers
and throw them to the ants!
I'll do it.
Once we find some honey.
Bravo!
Where's the principal street?
For who?
- For everyone!
- For me,
the principal street has
the most bars
but that one's the chic street.
Where are they going?
Straight ahead!
By Osiris! Straight!
They don't understand a thing.
Shit!
Not straight! Turn!
Turn!
Turn!
Drawn and quartered!
And thrown to the pigs!
Patrician,
could you help Cleopatra?
Certainly!
Just do as I say.
Forward! Straight ahead!
- The wall!
- Now turn! Stop!
Imbeciles!
Morons!
It's fate.
To hell with fate!
This is too much!
I spent 3 hours doing
my toes, hair and nails.
All for Egypt!
I rehearsed my arrival a month!
Now I look like shit!
Don't worry, divine Cleopatra.
Nobody saw you.
Right?
We're lucky in our misfortune,
my Queen.
Great Roman patrician,
where is Caesar's palace?
I can't go there in this condition!
How can I?
My chariot's a wreck!
Don't worry, divine Cleopatra.
I got a pal
who specializes in chariots.
If you'll get in my taxi...
My monkey and 2 falcons!
Yeah. I know...
Don't worry.
I'll see to everything.
Not too rough a ride?
Looks like he's out.
I'm a mess!
You're ok.
The bathroom?
That way...
What is it?
- That!
- What?
My grandpa! Pharaoh Sesostris
Amenofis Nyopartiefet...
called Sesostris for short.
Listen to this.
"I place this portrait in the babe's
cradle on the Nile.
"Blessed be the finder.
The boy will be Pharaoh of Egypt!"
The baby placed in the cradle
on the Nile
was my brother Aminemefet!
Grandpa raised me.
7 years earlier,
he'd put my brother in a foster home.
Take this baby
to Palestine.
He's the future Pharaoh.
I want him wet-nursed
by my old Hebrew friends,
Rachel and Simon Goldenberg.
Great Pharaoh,
why does your grandson have to be
suckled by a Hebrew nurse?
Politics.
Though he is not of Jewish blood,
he will be of Jewish milk!
Just after Aminemefet got there,
Herod massacred all boys
under 6 months of age.
He feared the King of the Jews
would take his throne.
Rachel set my brother
afloat on the Nile.
Don't be so pushy!
Get in line like everyone else!
They persecute us too, ya know!
We never heard of him after that.
I must learn why this portrait
is here.
Your mechanic must know
what's become of my brother.
Who are the others?
Nobody!
There's no conspiracy!
Caesar invited me in.
For a drink?
Yes! How could I know
it was Caesar?
His noble face
is on all our banknotes!
He wore a wig and mustache!
I didn't recognize his kisser.
Let me yank out
his nails and 4 or 5 teeth.
I'll break an arm or two!
No, I work with my hands!
I'm not an egghead like you.
Lucien loves tender broken arms.
Lock him up!
We'll go and search
his garage for accomplices!
Come out. You're surrounded!
Give up!
We're here in force!
Ben-Hur's in jail!
You're under arrest!
May we know why?
For conspiracy against Caesar
and Cleopatra!
I am Cleopatra.
Queen of Egypt.
And why not Caesar's wife
while you're at it?
I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt!
I demand the honors
worthy of my rank.
Cleopatra in a garage
at 6 AM? Sure!
And where're your chariot
and your tiara?
Her tiara is in her chariot
with a monkey and 2 falcons.
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Yes. A monkey and 2 falcons.
Run this drunk in,
along with the dame!
I spent a whole day
on skin cure,
a bubblebath and massage.
I went to town, I even spring-cleaned
for that Indian!
Egyptian!
She's Egyptian.
Egyptian! Indian!
What's the difference?
All I know is she's late.
That idiot's going to
screw up my party!
Can't you find out where she is?
You and your Rosetta-stone cops!
My nerves!
They're shot!
And I was attacked
in my room at 2 AM
by a bloodthirsty terrorist!
Your door has 24-hour guards!
Yes but...
What?
What are you insinuating?
Have you finished?
Keep your remarks to yourself.
That's not the problem.
Where's Cleopatra?
Hail, Demetrios!
Hail, Caesar!
And Cleopatra?
Still no news, Consul.
Such incompetence!
The Queen of Egypt
is roaming a land
we claim to control
in a chariot with camels,
a monkey and 2 falcons
and nobody's noticed her?
A monkey and 2 falcons?
Yes!
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Even a gross Gaul knows
Cleopatra always has
a monkey and 2 falcons with her.
A monkey and 2 falcons?
Yes!
A monkey and 2 falcons!
Is he retarded or what?
At a garage
we just picked up a dame
who says she's Cleopatra
and her pal spoke
about a monkey and 2 falcons.
A garage?
She said she's Cleopatra?
Yes, noble Consul.
You arrested her?
Of course.
Is it her?
I don't know.
He doesn't know!
Everyone knows
we've lost Cleopatra.
He finds one but he can't tell
a Queen of Egypt
with a monkey and 2 falcons
from a local whore!
A woman in an evening gown
at 6 AM...
At 6 AM? Such taste!
Where is she?
The arena prison.
By Jupiter! My chariot!
Where'd you get this?
It was in my cradle.
By Osiris!
I was found abandoned
on the Nile.
It was in the cradle.
Ben-Hur Gaston,
my adopted dad,
taught me to be a mechanic.
He put that on the wall.
But you never read it?
Hieroglyphics
are Greek to me.
If this papyrus
was in your cradle,
you're my brother!
She's kiddin'?
No. The papyrus says it's true.
You read papyrus?
It says
you're her brother named...
Aminemefet!
- Your brother?
- Yes
and heir
to the throne of Egypt!
Your resemble Grandpa!
Stop shittin' me!
You're my sis?
Yes!
Shit!
A brother and sister!
What a feast, Lucien!
Coming!
Who's there?
The Consul!
Is that her?
Absolutely.
Divine Cleopatra!
Forgive me. I throw
myself at your feet.
An incredible error.
A police screw-up.
They're fools led by a fool!
I agree.
Divine Cleopatra,
how may I be forgiven?
Begin by letting us out of here.
Certainly!
Move it!
He means you!
My chariot!
Make way for Cleopatra!
Not you.
What are you doing here?
Let me present my brother...
Pharaoh Aminemefet!
If you don't mind, Mr. Commoner!
And him?
My chief general!
Divine Cleopatra...
Back to canned cat food,
Lucien!
Are you nuts?
7! Red!
The Romans really know
how to have fun!
Politics keep us too busy.
And money!
And the Oat-Producers' Congress!
We've no time to play!
Very true!
Who'd defend our interests
except us?
We need an agent who's young,
dynamic and trustworthy
to be our Western sales rep!
We need a guy to stand up for us.
An energetic guy.
The merchants have
Ben-Hur Marcel.
So let's ask Ben-Hur Marcel!
He's a civilian.
No, he's a pharaoh!
That's the last straw!
I repainted
the royal apartments,
washed the mosaics,
got new rugs and flowers
and she stays in a garage!
She's at her brother's.
What a political change.
If Ben-Hur Marcel is Pharaoh,
you'll deal with him.
Cleopatra's visit is meaningless.
You won't need to wed her.
What a relief!
It's easier to get along with...
a pharaoh than a pharess, eh?
What's he like?
Sort of pudgy.
Really?
Listen, sweety,
the country's future
and politics come before
personal interests.
So I'll see this pudgy boy.
I'll go see him.
I mean, I'll go see
the young Pharaoh.
That?
Yes, Caesar.
I'll get grease all over me!
Let Caesar pass!
Tell me, young patrician...
What?
It's him! The killer!
Guards, seize him! Careful!
He's armed!
Not again!
What is this?
He tried to kill me!
He told me to!
You told him what?
Me? Nothing!
You'd better hold your tongue!
You can't talk to Pharaoh that way!
Seize this man!
What is all this?
Guards, seize that one too!
You can't. He's my pal!
Seize him!
This is incredible!
Guards, seize these guards!
What?
Guards, grab these guards!
What's going on?
It's weird, my Queen.
What's going on?
Mighty Caesar, I presume?
Obviously.
Where did she spring from?
I am accustomed
to warmer welcomes.
She's divine Cleopatra!
Glad to greet you,
divine Cleopatra.
About time!
The pleasure's all mine, Caesar.
This is my brother,
Pharaoh Aminemefet.
Impossible! He's the one!
He told me to do it.
Believe me now?
He could tell
everyone how he met you!
So?
Yes. That's true.
Would you like a drink?
No. Thank you, divine one.
I just came to officially
invite you
to the Circus Games
on Sunday.
With pleasure, mighty Caesar.
The contestants are
prime quality.
I hear your gladiators
are very good.
I hear your chariot driver
is very skilled!
Don't let me interrupt you.
There maybe a change
to the program.
Asskisserus knows
Egyptian customs and,
in international games,
the Pharaoh, when present,
heads the Egyptian team.
Exactly.
So Ben-Hur Marcel... Aminemafet
will represent your country.
Normally, yes.
Very good!
I'm honored
but that doesn't suit me.
Sunday I'm busy
and I can't take
a union man's job.
You've no choice.
It's the custom.
The custom? That's a bummer!
On patrol and sentry-duty,
a Roman guard sweats
under his armor.
Armpitus!
The trooper's deodorant
for soldiers of taste.
Live today
from the Rahat-Locum Circus.
We're here for the Circus Games
being given by Caesar,
Master of the Western World,
for Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt,
5'8", 104 pounds,
out of Amenofistofelet
of the 18th Dynasty
by Adtorsis.
21 on the Gallic chariot!
She rules Egypt!
Each pyramid and crypt
Sings praise to her ancestors
Cleopatra!
Beneath the sky of Egyptus
Grows the eucalyptus
Amid blossoms and rocks
Glide swans and peacocks
Cleopatra!
Emperors! Caliphs!
In hieroglyphs
Let her name be writ
Should Champollion find it
One day in Egypt
And thereafter transmit
This inscription:
She's glad to be Egyptian
What's this?
What's what?
This mad circus?
But it's your circus!
What're these sideshows doing,
these things in my circus?
It's advertising!
What?
I ordered a grandiose celebration!
Caesar, the coffers are empty.
We had to find a solution.
Pardon me for involving you
in such a farce.
Tomorrow I'll have it all moved.
Never mind.
We're all in the some boat.
Stay alert!
Watch for my signal.
Are you in love, ladies?
Make your gladiator glad!
Wear Frivolitus!
Ready to go, boys?
We'll eat those Romans alive.
We'll make mincemeat
of the Egyptians.
How's Ben-Hur Marcel?
Fine! But a bit tired
from tuning up his chariot.
- Have you seen it?
- No, not yet.
You should.
It concerns you most of all.
- Worth a detour?
- And how!
Divine Cleopatra,
mighty Caesar, hail!
Ladies and gentlemen of Rome,
foreign friends,
today's games
offered by mighty Caesar
to divine Cleopatra
will allow us to designate
but one victor!
First event, the chariot race!
The chariots are ready to start!
They're coming onto the track.
I'll give you
their names and numbers
before the draw.
The Greek entry driven
by Efistalopoulos
for King Simonides' stables
has been scratched
and will be replaced by chariot 2.
Now they're off
and it's an admirable sight!
A remarkable ballet
of machines, men and horses
in perfect harmony!
The haughty herd of
hammering hooves
makes the dust dance like stars
in the sparkling air
of the multi-hued arena.
What's going on?
The chariots are lining up
before mighty Caesar,
5'9", 180 lbs, son of Nero,
grandson of Caligula,
a fine line that has given
the empire so many leaders.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in all my 40 years
with Imperial Roman TV,
I have never seen such a thing!
What's wrong with them?
Mighty Caesar,
consider the race over.
We abandon the competition.
We cannot race
against Ben-Hur Marcel.
He is our master.
We ask you to declare him
the winner.
This is absurd!
Firstly, where is
this Ben-Hur Marcel?
My brother's good!
Not bad!
The chariot is illegal.
It meets Egyptian specifications.
Now!
The Arab world
respects Egypt's rules.
So we beg you, mighty Caesar,
to declare Aminemefet the winner!
They can't!
They can. They control all
the energy, you idiot!
What?
The consul means
we should be diplomatic
with our powerful guests.
But they're going
too far... Really!
What do I do?
Declare him the winner.
I declare Ben-Hur Marcel...
Aminemefet...
Aminemefet the winner!
Divine Cleopatra,
mighty Caesar, Romans,
foreign friends,
Aminemefet of Egypt
has won the chariot race.
But now he must confront
gladiators, animals and other stuff.
Gladiators, to your places!
The gladiators
the young Pharaoh will face are,
if I may say so,
the crme de la crme
of the Empire's fighters.
We are about to see
the Myrmidon Placius,
trained by Valerian,
the Thracian Mauritius who beat
Homo Placus Miserias Ventris
in 1 minute 27 seconds 6 tenths,
and the fantastic, colossal
and indeed scary Secutor
Flavian Magister,
of whom they say
"Even when absent, he terrifies!"
Those about to die
in agonizing convulsions,
writhing in pain
in a pool of blood...
Skip the details.
Those about to die salute thee!
Fate will now designate
Aminemefet's opponent.
Divine Cleopatra! Mighty Caesar!
Aminemefet's fate lies
in your hands!
Divine Cleopatra...
The honor is yours!
5 and 2, 7.
6 and 3, 9.
Caesar, what opponent do you choose?
I'll give him a tough one.
Secutor!
Caesar has chosen Secutor.
He looks in shape.
The short guy?
I'll waste him.
Yeah, you'll waste him
but next Sunday some guy'll
waste you!
Weird job you do,
getting beaten up all the time.
Caesar doesn't give a damn.
What's going on?
Ya got no coverage!
No social security!
No Medicare!
And because you die out there,
not even a pension plan.
I'd change jobs.
What you say is true.
Ya ought to fight back.
Ya need a guy
to defend your interests!
He's hard to find.
Come here.
Hey, fellas!
That's enough!
What're you up to?
Mighty Caesar.
I've talked to my comrades.
We feel our labor classification
is unjust.
From now on,
we want official gladiator status
with social and fiscal advantages.
If not, we strike.
Right, guys?
They're punch-drunk!
Go fight!
I'll give you
what you want but fight!
Get it in writing!
We want that in writing!
The Consul must meet your union rep.
The Consul must talk
to our union rep!
And who is
your union representative?
My colleagues and I
have democratically elected
Ben-Hur Marcel.
That pudgy thing'll drive me crazy!
I'm fed up!
Guards!
Force the gladiators to fight!
- Well?
- No hassle! Go!
No, mighty Caesar!
We won't budge.
As the Roman security force,
we're made to do the dirty work.
That's why we're hated.
We beat up students,
we beat up workers,
but we won't beat up strikers.
We're working for Ben-Hur Marcel
from now on!
Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!
I don't feel at all well.
My gala is a bust!
My arena, plastered with soap ads!
My guards turned
into sandwich-men!
I'm covered with ridicule!
They'll still be laughing
in the 20th century!
Get hold of yourself, mighty Caesar!
I'm sick of that pudgy thing!
Get rid of him.
Rid me of him!
If you love me, get rid of him.
Calm down!
Your wild beasts won't betray you.
They don't want welfare benefits!
They don't?
Straighten up!
Be the mighty Caesar!
At times, it's very hard.
Ok...
Gladiators, is that your last word?
Absolutely!
What do I do?
Explode or what?
I'll hang on. I'm Emperor.
Aminemefet, the winner!
Romans!
Respect for democratic principles
forces me
to yield to popular demands.
But the games are not over!
The wild beasts are waiting!
Aminemefet has won
the gladiator event.
He'll now face a wild beast.
Divine Cleopatra!
Caesar! Your play!
A double 5!
I love your hair.
You use a rinse?
It's natural.
But I use cyclamen-juice shampoo.
I must try it.
Isn't it nice, Tatoous?
Not bad, my Queen.
Well?
A double 6!
I get to choose.
What is Divine Cleopatra's choice?
The lion!
Cleopatra has chosen the lion!
Yes! It's him!
Lucien the Lion!
Like 9 out of I 0 beasts,
Lucien prefers Caninus!
Caninus! The big feast
in a little can!
For silky fur, use Hairsheenus!
The shampoo with that jungle aroma!
We're on TV live! For free!
Caninus, a feast for your pets!
That lion's eaten so much,
he can't get
off his ass!
Even the lion...
Even the lion...
Cleopatra! Caesar!
I never saw this happen before!
So... Aminemefet, the winner!
Aminemefet, the winner!
That does it.
Poison me! I want to die!
Give me hemlock,
with a little sugar.
You must congratulate the victor!
Never!
It's the tradition.
You must embrace the winner.
Embrace him?
No, that's not possible.
I'd rather die!
Come on, embracing a pudgy fellow
won't kill you.
A pudgy one?
He does seem rather nice.
I said so before!
I must look like
I was hit by a sphinx!
A mess, eh?
Look at my crown...
I get so upset with myself.
Come on up!
Congratulations,
valiant young Pharaoh!
And I love your outfit too.
Very attractive!
Here's the trophy
that will always remind the world
of your great victory.
Thank you.
No, that's enough...
Friends...
My friends!
Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!
My message to you is
but 1 word.
Reconciliation!
You all think Caesar is shit.
Ya think
the Consul and his men are shit.
Emirs, cops and the army are shit.
They think you're shit!
And both sides are right!
Cuz ya let 'em take ya for shit!
Since we're all shit, why fight?
- Stop drinking, dear.
- But, mommy...
And don't mommy me!
Being a mechanic wasn't my calling.
I just followed my dad.
Being Pharaoh suits me fine!
Rubies are nice
but can't go with everything.
8 days in Mesopotamia,
I didn't bathe even once!
A little lamb?
Dancing girls?
Coffee?
- Now that...
- A drop of coffee, yes.
You must tell me
who does your gowns...
Bethlehem is jammed
with tourists
and it's impossible
to find an inn room.
A carpenter and his pregnant wife
were forced to sleep in a stable
where the woman gave birth to a son.
Such crap on TV!
A kid in a stable!
Big deal!
Look! Isn't he sweet?
Wait till he grows up!
At least it's a boy!
Can't they show sports?
A kid born in a stable
in Bethlehem!
That's gonna change the world?
What did I say?
How'll a kid born in a stable
change things?
The divine child is born!
Play your cassettus and transistory!
The divine child is born!
Let's videotape some History!