Quiz Lady (2023) Movie Script

[cat purring]
[curious music playing]
[Terry on TV] But now,
put on your thinking caps.
It's America's new favorite game show.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Terry] Its seven oclock on a weeknight,
which can only mean one thing.
Its time for...
- Cant Stop the Quiz!
- [audience] Cant Stop the Quiz!
[Terry] Im your host, Terry McTeer.
[chuckles] Oh, my God!
[gasps] You made out with David Zelman?
[Anne's dad] You lost 600 dollars?
- [Anne's mom speaking Cantonese]
- [Anne's dad speaking Korean]
[in English] I want a divorce!
- [door slamming]
- [Anne's mom shouts]
- [shouting in Cantonese]
- [Terry in English] Welcome. Best of luck.
May I have
five minutes on the clock, please?
[audience cheering]
["I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" playing]
And your time starts now!
- Ready to learn and have some fun?
- [laughs]
- Countries on the equator. Whoa!
- [bell dinging]
Correct! Correct!
Wow! You guys are smart.
Welcome, Ralph,
hope you're enjoying Los Angeles.
Do me a favor,
don't miss the La Brea Tar Pits.
They're lovely.
[Anne's mom] Your cousin, Jin,
just got into Harvard Medical School!
And youre dropping out?
Its bad enough
you go to community college!
I dont need school!
Im gonna be an actress.
[Anne's mom] Oh! Youre making me crazy.
- Im going to the casino.
- [Jenny] Have fun losing all our money!
That was incredible!
You almost knocked my bow tie off.
- I would've felt quite nude.
- [chuckles]
Dont go anywhere.
- I know I wont.
- I know I wont.
[Terry] What an incredible game!
I learned so much.
I had no idea pineapple is a berry.
That blows my mind.
Join us tomorrow for another night
of fast facts and live learning!
Im Terry McTeer and Ill be right here.
- [audience applauding]
- Have a good night!
Thank you so much.
Have a great trip back to Delaware.
I hear there's no sales tax there.
- Wild stuff!
- [sighs]
[keyboard clacking]
Even if I find nothin' better to do
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
Why'd you pick a tune
when I'm not in the mood?
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
I'd rather be home with the one
in the bed till dawn, with you...
[phone beeping]
So, I'll just pretend
that I know which way to bend
And I'm gonna tell the whole world
that you're mine
Just please understand
when I see you clap your hands
If you stick around
I'm sure that I'll be fine...
[printer whirring]
But I don't feel like dancin'
- [song concludes]
- [coworkers] Surprise!
[cheering, applauding]
My God! I love that everybody's here.
[coworker] Oh, we love you.
Happy hour after this. Happy hour.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[Anne] Okay, let's get inside, get inside.
[Francine] Anne? Anne, is that you?
[Anne] Get inside.
Anne, your stupid postman
has done it again.
Once again, he's left one of your packages
in front of my door.
Oh, man. Uh, my mistake.
- [grunts]
- Yeah, well, what happens
when there's an unexpected package
in front of my door?
- I, um--
- I trip over it and I fall and I die.
- Mm-hmm.
- Your stupid postman is trying to kill me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Please speak to him.
[Anne] I'll leave him a voice mail.
Thank you.
Look, Linguini, it finally came.
[Mr. Linguini snoring]
[cellphone ringing]
[Anne] Linguini!
[Terry] Its time for...
- Cant Stop the Quiz!
- [audience] Cant Stop the Quiz!
Im your host, Terry McTeer.
Lets meet tonights contestants!
Starting with Linda,
who came all the way from Idaho.
- Did you bring any potatoes?
- Uh...
- I'm just kidding. [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
[Terry] And then we have
our returning champion,
- Ron Heacock from Ohio.
- [audience applauding, cheering]
[Terry] Ron, you must be getting
pretty comfortable here.
You're now the third
longest-running champion.
That's quite an achievement.
Uh, honestly,
Im just glad to be here, Terry.
- Uh, Im a huge fan.
- [Terry] Oh!
[audience] Aw!
- Please let this be the night...
- [Terry] Last but not least,
- we have Adrian.
- ...he finally loses. [sighs]
Ron, your winning streak continues!
[chuckles] Thank you.
But Linda, you did so great tonight.
I... I wish we could both win.
Hey! How about it, Terry?
Can there be two winners?
Unfortunately, no, there can't be.
Oh. Just me then.
[Trav] All I'm saying...
Okay, you put the money into the computer.
It prints you the money back.
- You don't lose any money.
- If you want me to invest in an app...
- [cellphone ringing]
- ...I'm not gonna...
[Trav] I sent this in an email.
Did you not read the email?
- [Marge] I don't open those things.
- [Trav] You don't open my emails?
- [Marge] Any emails, ever.
- Hi, Mom.
[Shannon] Hi!
This is Shannon from Sunnyvale.
I have some bad news.
- [man snores]
- We lost your mom.
[Shannon] Oh, my God. [laughs]
Sorry, that was terrible phrasing.
I meant we don't know where she is.
- [exhales deeply]
- Yes, she's not dead, but she is missing.
Have you checked Rivers Casino?
- Penny Palace, House of Slots?
- Yes, we checked all her usual spots.
- Can you come in?
- [sighs] I mean...
- [door chimes]
- [Walters whispers] Here she is.
Uh. Ms. Yum,
thank you so much for coming in.
Well, would you like to wait
for your sister?
Shell be here momentarily.
My sister? You... you called Jenny?
Well, when we lose someone,
we have to call everybody. [chuckles]
- We didnt lose her, she ran away.
- Oh! Right.
It's okay. She does this sometimes.
Due to the sheer number
of rules violations,
we can no longer
keep your mother as a resident.
So, you're kicking her out?
- Enough is enough.
- It's enough.
[Walters] Ms. Yum,
in signing the resident agreement,
- she agreed to adhere to our policies.
- [Jenny screams]
[Walters] Sneaking out
is a very serious violation.
- We can't be responsible for her safety.
- [indistinct screaming, yelling]
Shes also really mean.
It's less important, but its not nothing.
- [door thudding]
- Uh. I think your sister's here.
- [cries] Hello! Annie! Annie, let me in!
- [Anne] The button! Push the button!
- Hit the button. There's a button there.
- [yells] Annie! I can't hear you!
- Hit the god--
- [Jenny] What?
- [Anne] There's a... there's a button there.
- I can't see it!
- [Anne] There's a...
- What button? What button?
- [door chiming]
- [sighs]
- Well, that wasn't very clear.
- Oh, well...
[sobs] Annie! Annie,
it's finally happened.
- Oh, my God, it's okay, it's okay.
- [Anne] No, no...
I'm here. I'm here, we're together.
We're gonna get through this.
- This is a part of life. [sobs]
- Jenny, what are you wearing?
Oh, it's the only black dress I own.
- Okay.
- I can't believe she's gone.
- Mm-mm. No, she--
- [Jenny] Oh, my God.
We're orphans.
Oh, my God. You're Orphan Annie.
- Oh, my God.
- She's not dead. She ran away.
- [exhales sharply]
- That fucking bitch.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, we took the liberty of packing up
your mothers belongings.
Thank you. What a pleasant eviction.
Oh, good! I'm so glad. Oh? Great news!
It looks like your mom left a note.
Its mostly personal attacks on me.
Oh, but it does say
she and Jeff are off to Macao.
So, at least you know where she is!
- Who's Jeff?
- Who's Jeff?
- [playful music playing]
- She has a boyfriend?
I mean, why didn't she tell us?
Because she only calls
when she needs money.
[Jenny] Oh, youre parked right by me!
- [car trunk creaking]
- Are you living out of your car?
It's just some stuff I've been meaning
to donate and... Oh, my God.
This amazing lamp that I found in an alley
and some... blankets,
in case I wanted a nap.
sorry, you wasted all your time
driving out here.
Oh, actually...
I was hoping that maybe I can stay
with you for a little bit.
Well, I thought I was going to
since Mom was dead.
Come on, Annie.
Come on, it's gonna be fun!
- And I really wanna see my dog.
- Your dog?
I made it to the final round of auditions
for The Real World!
I have to go to L.A. tomorrow
to meet with the producers!
- Oh, my God!
- But...
- What about your puppy?
- [Jenny] Oh, yeah.
Can you take care of Mr. Linguini?
- [Terry] You added 2,500 dollars...
- [Jenny] Thanks! Thank you! [laughs]
- ...and that's not nothing.
- [audience applauding]
[exhales] You know, it feels smaller.
- Are you sure you didn't make it smaller?
- No, I didnt shrink my house.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
He's dead.
No, he's sleeping! Mr. Linguini! Hey!
Psst, psst, psst.
See? Full of life.
[Mr. Linguini snoring]
[Jenny] Shit!
[grunts, exhales sharply]
- So, uh... how long you planning on staying?
- Oh, I don't know. A few days.
Few days?
Don't they need you back at your... job?
Oh, no, I don't have a job.
Okay, well, are you looking for a job?
Im focusing all my energy
on manifesting the life I want.
But what... [stammers]
What are you gonna do for money?
Because I don't know
if I can lend you any more.
And Mom's nursing home
- isn't exactly--
- Okay, I don't need money.
I'm getting plenty from my lawsuit.
From your... From your what?
From your lawsuit? Sorry, what lawsuit?
Oh, I didn't tell you? Oh, my God.
I had a business lunch at Choochie's
with this guy
who wanted to invest in my fashion line,
and I took a bite of my tilapia filet,
and there was a fish bone in it.
It got stuck in my throat,
and I almost choked to death.
[chokes, grunts]
So, I sued them.
So, you sued Choochies
because there was a fish bone
in your fish fillet?
I'm sorry. I almost died.
Why can't you just be happy
I got a bunch of money from them?
I mean, who are you? Mr. Choochie's?
Now, why would I be "Mr. Choochie's?"
'Cause it's a man's world.
[Mr. Linguini snores]
Don't... Don't just leave
that hair there, please.
Okay, Dad.
[cellphone ringing]
Oh, my God.
Do you have a Quiz alarm on your phone?
- [audience applauding]
- Come on, Linguini! It's Quiz time.
Lets meet tonight's contestants.
Starting with our returning champion...
Yeah, there you go.
...Ron Heacock from-- [coughs]
Excuse me! From Ohio.
- You okay, Terry?
- Yes. I just ate some crackers backstage.
Mustve gotten some crumbs
down the wrong pipe.
- Thats live television for you.
- [audience laughing]
Good. 'Cause I worry about you, Terry.
You work so hard.
You should loosen up that bow tie.
Take a vacation.
- Aww.
- Don't "aww" him. He's a jerk.
But he seems so nice. And he's so smiley.
He's not. It's an act.
He's trying to be like Terry.
And look at how shiny his hands are.
- He puts makeup on his hands.
- Some people have ugly hands.
...all the way from Kentucky,
Margret, I have to ask you,
did you ride your horse to the studio?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] Welcome.
And your time starts now.
- What is the square root of 196?
- Fourteen.
- [Terry] Ron? Correct.
- Fourteen.
- How many hearts does an octopus have?
- Three.
- [Terry] Ron? Correct.
- Three.
- What?
- [Terry] What spice is derived
from Crocus sativus?
- Saffron.
- I feel like an answer hog. But saffron.
[Terry] Correct.
- Carbon dioxide.
- [Terry] Very good.
- [Anne] Wellington, New Zealand.
- [Terry] Correct.
Saturn. Our American Cousin.
The equal sign.
- Harry Potter.
- The Hobbit.
- [Terry] Correct.
- All right. Bless you.
Ron, please list for us
the gods of Mount Olympus.
Aphrodite, Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Athena,
Demeter, Dionysus, Hephaestus, Her-- Hey!
Why haven't you gone on that show?
Are you scared that you would win
so much money
that people will try and kill you for it?
You know,
that's a thing with lottery winners.
- No, it's not--
- [gasps] Are you scared
that your hatred for that Ron guy
is actually a sexual attraction
that you wouldn't know
how to navigate in person? [chuckles]
It's just... I'm not... good at...
being looked at, you know?
Its time for the Flip!
- [audience] Ten, nine, eight...
- [scoffs] Stupid coin.
- I love the coin. It's so big.
- ...seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
[audience cheering]
- [audience] Show it!
- [Terry] Show it!
- Show it.
- Our contestants will act out the answers
while their partners guess.
Wait, what are you doing?
The charades thing is the only fun part!
Its not fun, its a cheap gimmick.
They changed the entire final round
to boost ratings, it's so dumb.
Who wants to watch people
embarrass themselves?
I do.
Waltz. Waltzer.
[laughs] Oh, my God. He's dancing.
Sidewalk. Concrete.
Waltzer. Concrete... Walter Cronkite.
- [bell dinging]
- [audience applauding]
Who's Walter Cronkite?
[participant on TV] G. Dog.
- ["Guerrilla" playing]
- [groans]
Show up to the party it's guerrilla
With an itty bitty chance
of having a good time
Sip, sip, sippin' margaritas
spillin' like a villain...
It's like a robot's house.
Better whip out the swiffer
hiding my mind, smoke away depression
- Look like my exes
- Hey
They good, they tight
They pull me under...
[Jenny] I focus
on my destiny all the time.
I want to be rich and famous,
and loved by everybody. Why?
Because I want to be a powerful force
for good in this world, you know?
I just haven't found, you know,
the path to get there yet.
I mean, do you have any idea
how hard it is
to be an Asian woman in this country?
- Yes, I read an article.
- Like, we have to keep going.
Like, I've always wanted to open
my own bakery, you know?
- And then life got in the way.
- Mm-hmm.
And now, I never bake anymore,
and I feel so unfulfilled.
You need to change your life.
You can because you're strong.
So, are you done with your plate?
- Oh, yeah.
- [chuckles]
Since when does it take you 20 minutes
to service one table?
[Wendy] We started talking.
- [Carl] You can't just sit and hang out.
- [Wendy] She believes in me, Carl.
Oh, my God!
Hi. I had a huge day.
- Why are you sitting out here?
- [Jenny] Oh, I locked myself out.
- Well, let's get inside before--
- Anne, is this lunatic your sister?
I told you.
She threatened to call the cops
because she thought I was, what?
- Was it loitering?
- You were loitering.
I thought you were loitering
with an intent to murder.
Oh, do I look like a murderer?
- Yes. Well, yes, you do.
- [Jenny] Oh, really?
- [Francine] I can see your brassiere.
- Okay, okay. I'm... I'm sorry about her.
- Like--
- Sorry about me? What did I do?
- Why are you-- Why?
- Put a sock in it.
Okay, so, I went to go get coffee
and I met this woman.
Oh, my God! She was so sad.
But we got to talking, and I helped her.
And helping her made me feel better.
And just like that, I saw it.
I saw the path forward.
Don't move my stuff.
Why do you have
a bobblehead of Justin Timberlake?
It's Terry McTeer,
and it's limited edition.
Its from the 300th episode!
Do you know the heated eBay war
I had to endure to get that?
- [Jenny] It's Justin Timberlake.
- It's Terry McTeer.
Okay, as I was saying, I have decided
I am going to become...
a life coach.
- You know, like Oprah.
- [laughs] Oh, yeah. Yes. Linguini!
- What's so funny? This is my destiny.
- [Anne] Oh, there you are.
Yeah, you and your destinies.
First, it was figure skating,
then it was acting, and then...
And then you wanted to be a music icon.
- And then it was fashion design.
- Yeah, but this is different.
I'll show you, you know what?
Because you're gonna be my first project.
I don't need a life coach.
Uh, really? Because from what I can tell,
youre like a 28-year-old woman,
living the life of a 98-year-old widower.
I'm 33.
And why am I always a man
in your hypotheticals?
Because men are worse.
[Anne] Well,
I like my life just the way it is.
Okay, Ron. Chuck has chosen geography.
Let's see what we have for you.
- Please list for us...
- What are you doing?
- [Terry] ...South American capital cities.
- Yoga.
Buenos Aires, Lima, Sucre, Braslia,
Santiago, Bogot, Quito, Caracas,
- Montevideo, Asuncin.
- Caracas...
I knew I should have paid more attention
when I backpacked through South America
- after I graduated law school.
- [audience laughing]
Darn it.
Let's see, Chuck, it's your turn.
How about language?
[Terry] Chuck, please list for us
nouns that do not have a singular form.
Scissors, clothes, pants, jeans, trousers,
shorts, tights, goggles, sunglasses,
tweezers, belongings, boxers, briefs.
North American river borders.
All right, okay.
Detroit, Pine, Pigeon, Rainy.
Saint Clair, Saint Croix, Saint Francis,
Saint Lawrence, Saint Mary's.
Nucleus, nucleolus, mitochondria,
Golgi complex, cell membrane,
nuclear envelope, cytoskeleton.
[Ron groans]
[Marge] Did you see it? I was like,
"Don't we work with that girl?"
And I was like, "Oh, my God. Yes, I do."
And then I was-- Oh, my God!
- Hey, it's the Quiz Lady. [chuckles]
- What?
You were like,
"Spain. Killer whale. Octagon." [chuckles]
- So, what are you talking about?
- Hello!
You're on the front page of Reddit.
Your video.
[Anne] ...outskirts, premises, surroundings.
[tense music playing]
[Anne] Oh, no.
Oh, Quiz Lady.
Oh, my God.
- ...lysosomes, ribosomes, nucleus...
- Oh, no.
Yo, what up fam? As promised,
The Quiz Lady. [laughs]
Yo, that video was so funny, dude.
I dropped my phone in the toilet.
Don't worry, just pee.
Can you give me, like,
a quick "wassup" to my followers?
No! I need a minute.
- Hi, have you seen Twitter?
- How did this happen?
[Jenny] You are viral!
I posted it last night,
and then when I woke up
this morning it was everywhere.
I mean, I have a ton of followers
from that time Elon Musk yelled at me.
- But...
- Delete... Delete it right now.
Wait! You cannot buy this hype.
Get this, get this!
- Okay, the producers...
- I have to go.
- I'm still here.
- She always does this.
She just floats through life
without ever thinking
about how her actions affect other people.
Did you know that when were kids
we went to the Heinz Ketchup Museum,
our father brought us there,
and she was furious
'cause she wanted to watch Supercop 3,
and she'd just gotten it on DVD.
And, so, she knocks over
an entire display of ketchup
and we get thrown out onto the street
by a Heinz ketchup security guard.
And I really wanted
to learn about ketchup.
I wanted to have that experience.
I didn't get to have that experience.
Now, look at me now.
I think it's just tomatoes, though.
- You know, with sugar and spices.
- Oh, my God.
They want me to be on local news.
- [Trav] Dope!
- I don't want to be news.
I would kill to be local news.
Internal auditing.
[Gerald] Quiz Lady! I'm a huge fan.
My name's Gerald.
I'm what you might call a sexual cannibal.
It is what you think it is,
and do you wanna get lunch?
The internet knows where I work.
The internet knows where I work.
[Anne through video]
Niagara, Detroit, Pine, Detroit...
[overlapping video audio]
- Hey, say something smart.
- Sorry. I can't.
Come on!
[overlapping video audio continues]
[Ken] Anne Yum.
I didn't mean to startle you.
I'm a friend of your mom's.
Do you know where she is?
No, sorry.
[Ken] You sure?
'Cause I'd really like to find her.
She owes me some money.
She-- She said she quit.
Aside from occasional penny slots.
How much does she owe?
- Eighty grand.
- Eighty grand?
And imagine my pleasant surprise
when her daughter
with the goofy little bangs became famous.
Saved me all the trouble
of tracking you down.
So, where is she?
Do you really want to protect her?
You probably don't even like her.
I know I don't. [chuckles]
Come on, don't be stupid.
Tell me where she is.
- Macao.
- I can't help you.
Of course, you can.
You can cover her debt.
I don't have 80,000 dollars.
Neither do I, and that's the problem.
Call me when you have it...
and you'll get your dog back.
- [car engine revving]
- ["More" playing over radio]
[Anne] My dog?
- My dog?
- You have two weeks.
After that, you'll never see him again.
Let's go grab some cronuts.
- Amazing! We'll be there, thank you.
- [tense music playing]
[Anne] Linguini!
- [Jenny] Annie, what's going on?
- [Anne] Linguini!
[tense music concluding]
Who's even named Ken anymore?
This is all your fault.
He found me because of your stupid video.
- Are you calling him?
- I'm calling Mom.
It's not gonna do anything.
- [cellphone dinging]
- [Crystal over cellphone] Jenny?
You left us with an 80,000 dollars debt?
[Crystal] It's okay, I'm in Macao.
Jeff, get me another Mai Tai!
Okay, you know what?
It's not okay. None of this is okay.
Your bookie threatened Annie
and kidnapped my dog.
He's not your dog.
[Crystal] Not a bad deal.
- That dog's so old.
- [Jenny] That's not the point!
[Crystal] What do you expect me
to do about it? I'm in Macao!
[Jenny] You need to fix it.
We can't afford to pay them off!
[Crystal] Fine! Come to Macao.
Jeff rented a condo. But no free rides.
We don't wanna live in your goddamn condo.
[Crystal] Don't swear.
Aiya, who raised you?
[glass shattering]
- Told you.
- [breathes heavily]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- What? What? Are they here?
Annie, Annie, Annie!
This is all connected.
This is synergy from the universe.
Oh, my God.
I think I might have manifested this.
I hate all the words you just used.
Oh, my God.
This is how you're gonna make the money.
Okay, someone from the Quiz just called.
They saw your video.
What? No! No! That is so embarrassing.
No, no, no, no.
No, see, they loved it,
and they're in the middle
of a casting round,
and they want-- No, come on.
They want you to come
to the in-person regional auditions
this weekend. Where? In Philadelphia!
- No, that's not happening.
- Oh, my God. Why not?
I mean, you could win
80,000 dollars just like that.
I mean, you got every question right.
I can't play on live TV
in front of millions of people.
In front of Terry-freakin' McTeer.
I can't, I can't.
There has to be another way.
You could sell your eggs.
I mean, it's not like you're using them.
- I'm not gonna sell my eggs.
- Okay!
Well, I am not gonna let
Mom's bullshit ruin your life.
- Too late.
- [melancholy music playing]
[Anne] So, I looked on CarMax,
and it said I could easily sell my car
for around 20,000...
[door knocking, lock clicking]
[lock clicking]
[melancholy music concludes]
Hi. The paperboy
missed the porch again, but by a mile.
I mean, he threw it
in the driveway, the jerk.
I'm pretty sure he's vaping drugs again.
Bending over that far,
its actually dangerous
for an almost ghost like me.
Could you help?
Oh, say, uh,
can I borrow your phone a sec?
I just want to check on my stocks.
- Is everything all right? You seem weird.
- What do you mean? Im fine.
- Since when do you invest?
- [Francine] What's it to you?
Dont be scared! Its me!
[Anne] What? [yells, grunts]
What the... Jenny, not again!
[Jenny] Don't worry!
We're getting your dog back!
- What are you doing?
- Im taking you to Philadelphia!
- So, you can get on the show!
- [Anne] Jenny!
[Francine] Okay!
Where's my 100 bucks?
Thanks. Um, sorry,
I don't have any cash on me.
[Anne] Hey! How could you do this to me
when I was just threatened
by a genuine Tong?
Thats why I yelled,
Don't be scared. Its me!
- [Anne] Jenny!
- What is a Tong?
Asian gangsters. You know, read a book.
- [Anne] Jenny!
- Thank you very much.
[Anne] Jenny, let me out of here.
Francine! Francine, please!
[Anne] Jenny! Let me out!
I will call the FBI!
- Settle down!
- [Anne] You want me to settle down?
- You kidnapped me!
- Oh, dont be so dramatic!
- [Anne] Jenny, Jenny--
- I put a bunch of, like, snacks
and pillows in there,
so just sit back, relax.
- Enjoy the ride.
- [Anne] Jenny, Jenny.
- ["My Own Worst Enemy" playing]
- [cheers]
Surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy...
...Every now and then
I kick the living shit out of me...
- [Anne yells]
- Oh, my God!
- Jenny!
- What are you doing?
- Pull over.
- Never! [screams]
[tires screech]
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop!
- Get back in the trunk!
- Look out! Its dangerous! Look out!
- [both scream]
- [car horn honking]
["My Own Worst Enemy" concludes]
- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- What the...
[driver] Learn how to drive!
Oh, hi!
["Quiet on Set" playing]
- [Jenny] That was crazy!
- [Anne] Jenny!
- What?
- Give me the keys!
- No!
- What?
- Come on!
- No! No. No, no, no.
- [Anne] You wanna run now?
- [Jenny] I would outrun you! I ran track!
- [Anne] What? You didnt run track!
- I signed up for it!
- [Anne] Not going to--
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!
[Anne] Thought I couldn't outrun you.
- What are you--
- Stop it! Stop! Stop!
...The work be killin' me dead, stuntin'
Killin' me, killin' me, killin' me...
- [Anne] Jen! [grunts]
- [Jenny screams]
You are going to Philadelphia!
What? [grunts]
I don't have time for this,
Linguini is in danger.
That stupid show is the only way
we're gonna get him back.
What about the Choochies money?
Theres no Choochies money.
Of course. Of course.
Why would I ever think
that you could help?
the Quiz is the best and fastest option
for us to get the money.
So, unless you want to sell your eggs,
we need to get to Philadelphia.
["Eye of the Tiger" playing]
- Fine. But I'm driving.
- Okay.
Give me back my hair.
- [narrator] Come to Philly.
- [bell dings]
[narrator] Were better than New York.
I always forget
how beautiful this city is.
- Can you check that?
- ["Eye Of The Tiger" concludes]
- [cellphone dings]
- What? What is it?
What the...
[Jenny] Whats he gonna do to our dog?
He isnt gonna hurt him, right?
No. It's okay.
Let's just get to the hotel.
- What's the address?
- I don't know, Im still looking for one.
You haven't booked one yet?
Sorry. I was too busy making the trunk
comfortable for you.
Besides, how hard is it
gonna be to find one?
How was I supposed to know
there was a pharmaceutical convention
this week?
Good morrow, ladies.
Welcome to the Ben Franklin Inn & Spa.
May I interest you in some johnnycakes
made fresh this morning by my lovely...
Um, dont touch that.
- [groans]
- [Anne] We have a reservation.
Its under Anne Yum.
Ah! Yes. I heard your voice
on that marvelous machine right there,
that I have heard is called the telephone,
but I am unfamiliar with it.
Identification and credit card, please.
You don't know what a phone is,
but you know about credit cards?
The concept of a credit card
is an easy one to grasp.
I know what credit is, and I can assure
you I'm familiar with cards. [laughs]
But that talking machine
was invented after my time.
- [telephone ringing]
- Oh, what is that sound?
Tis a chirping bird?
Ben Franklin Inn, please hold.
Uh, so, are you supposed
to be Ben Franklin?
Because if Ben Franklin
had just been alive this whole time,
he would know what phones are.
I mean, he was really smart.
Well, that is very kind of you to say
that I am smart.
Yeah, but if you don't know
about phones, then what?
You're just like a ghost of Ben Franklin,
whos somehow stuck in the 1600s?
- 1700s.
- And if you are stuck in the past,
then your inn should not have
all this modern stuff. But it does.
I mean, it makes no sense.
So, which is it? What are you?
I... am Ben Franklin.
Then why don't you have wooden teeth
like George Washington?
- Jenny.
- And... lifting.
- Can you just let him be Ben Franklin?
- In my family, we have wrinkly foreheads.
I just want to let you know, sir,
that you're doing a great job.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Well, he's using a computer.
How very 17th century.
- Eighteenth century.
- What?
Even though your time is limited
in our wonderful capital
of the United States of America,
which is how I know it.
I, Ben Franklin, know it.
If you need any help,
don't hesitate to call.
- On the phone?
- Yes. On the phone.
Futures greatest gift.
Would you please show our guests
to their chambers?
Please take more time
putting your hat on.
Just take your time.
Tina from the temp agency. [chuckles]
Scooch, scooch.
Welcome to the Betsy Ross suite.
Oh, can you take this? Thank you.
Right. Cute.
Jenny, were too old to share a bed.
Speak for yourself, Ben Franklin.
The thirties are the new twenties.
Since when are you in your thirties?
Oh, since I did a guess-my-age filter
and it said thirty...
You know, this place sucks.
Let's go to a real hotel.
They have to have rooms
they keep open just in case.
- I'll get them to give us one.
- How?
Oh, I am amazing at getting stuff.
I get really emotional and talk a lot,
so they get confused,
and then they're willing to do
whatever they can to make it stop.
See, just one second. Like this. [inhales]
Please! Oh, my God!
I know youre only serving
the breakfast menu,
but my husband needs fries!
He has a rare kidney condition,
and if he doesnt get salt, hell die!
Im too young to be a widow! Im only 39.
See? Works every time.
You would publicly humiliate yourself
just to eat fries at breakfast?
How is that humiliating?
- [gasps]
- [tense music playing]
- Oh!
- [Jenny] What?
There's no TV. I can't watch the Quiz.
Wait. Annie, where are you going? Annie!
Yeah, but right now?
I mean, is it such an emergency?
I can't miss it. I've watched it
every day since I was four.
Wait. Youve never skipped a night?
Neither has Terry. Nothing stops him.
- Not whiplash.
- [groans softly]
Somewhere-- Get the first question.
- ...country that...
- [Anne] An earthquake.
...borders Switzerland.
- [Anne] A swarm of bees.
- The answer is Mr. Potato Head.
[Anne] Not even Frat Week!
...which is, uh, one of the Twin Cities.
Annie, what about, um...
- [Anne] Hurry. It's probably starting!
- Jeez! Uh, are you...?
- [indistinct chatter]
- [upbeat music playing]
Excuse me? Sir...
- Try again.
- Excuse me.
Hey! Would you mind
changing the channel to the Quiz?
Holy shit. It's the Quiz Lady.
Oh, no. I think you have me confused
for another Asian lady.
Then why'd she ask to change
the channel to the Quiz?
Put it on. I wanna see
if she know all that stuff.
- 'Cause that video could have been fake.
- Fake?
Yeah, right. Like, 100 bucks
says she gets them all right.
Ooh! All right. Not like I care
about this game.
Darryl, shut your hole. Phils are at bat.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [Anne] What are you doing?
Making some money.
- Hey, everybody!
- [man 1] I'm trying to watch the game!
The Quiz Lady's here.
And she wants to play some Quiz.
Hundred bucks
says she gets them all right.
- All we need is one TV. What do you say?
- [woman] Get down!
[crowd booing]
- Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!
- Jenny! Stop chanting!
Chanting always works. Quiz! Quiz!
- Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!
- I see you.
- Quiz! Quiz!
- Stop! These are people
who punch police horses
when theyre happy!
Hey, thats a stereotype, okay?
That happened two separate occasions.
- Okay! Okay.
- [Jenny] Come on!
[indistinct clamor]
Im not sitting down until I see
Terry McTeers face on this TV.
I don't care what you throw...
- [grunts]
- [crowd gasps]
- [man 2] Is the TV okay?
- [upbeat music fading]
It was nice of that guy to drive us.
You know, Phillies fans get a bad rap,
but deep down theyre nice.
Sometimes stereotypes are wrong.
They're always wrong.
It's funny, the word stereotype
has a fascinating etymology
that I was reading about earlier--
Good Lord!
How are you not in a massive amount
of pain right now?
Oh, this happens all the time.
Ever since I tried to catch a foul ball
at that World Series game.
When I was dating Sammy.
Anyway, it hurts when it pops out,
and when it goes back in,
but in between, its not that bad.
That is not just dislocated.
That is definitely broken.
Oh, no, it's not.
I bet you, I could pop it back in myself.
- No.
- Okay, but now, its gonna...
- Okay. God!
- Jenny.
God! Did you hear that? That was actually...
- That was a crack!
- A little bit.
- No, I can't.
- Im gonna try it again. Wait.
I cant. It goes so far back!
- Really? But it's...
- It goes so far back.
- Does that gross you out?
- Im gonna throw up!
- Jenny!
- Okay. Okay.
- Can you put the ice pack on it...
- Okay. Okay.
...to cover it,
so I dont have to look at it?
'Cause youre scared of my wrist.
Really, it doesnt hurt that much.
Too bad cousin Jin isn't here.
- Fix that up for you.
- [chuckles]
-"Jin is the best..." [laughs]
- [laughs]
"He's the best surgeon in the world."
[both laugh]
Do you remember that summer in California?
He was so into skateboarding
- but he was terrible at it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, that was the best summer.
- Right?
Oh, my God, when we hit the freeway...
Oh, I knew I found my destiny...
["Walkin' on the Sun" playing]
[Jenny] Burbank.
It ain't no joke
I'd like to buy the world a toke
And teach the world...
[Jenny] Everything just felt so possible.
The world was big and bright,
and everyone was getting along.
No one was yelling at me to turn down
my music or get a job.
For the first time,
I felt like I belonged.
["Walkin' on the Sun" concluding]
Too bad they hated us
and never invited us back.
I always hated being around them.
They were so intimidating.
When we went to go stay with them,
I was so nervous...
that I didn't shit for, like,
the whole month we were there.
So, one night, I woke up with just...
the gurgles. You know what I mean? And...
I was so scared that maybe they would,
like, hear it or that Id clog the toilet
or, like, something would happen.
So, I went out in the backyard...
and I dug a little hole...
and I shit in there.
That's how unwelcome I felt in that house.
I never told anyone about that.
It was all too much.
The way that they would look at us
like we were... trash.
No, they... They wanted to help,
that's why they let us stay there.
They didnt even talk about Dad.
They were so embarrassed
about how he died.
Divorced, broke...
falling off a singles cruise
because he was trying to do
the king of the world thing
from Titanic.
Drowning in the Caribbean.
Like a... sad loser.
Dont say that.
He wasn't a loser. He was...
- [PA ringing]
- [voice over PA] Jennifer Yum.
[doctor] Well, good news.
Doesn't seem to be broken.
- Just dislocated.
- Mm.
- I can just go ahead and...
- Oh!
- [doctor] Hmm?
- Oh, wow! I told you.
[exhales] How can I ever thank you
for saving my wrist?
Oh, it's quite all right. [chuckles]
- Maybe, like, a drink later?
- Well, I'm married. And gay.
Whyd you have to say two reasons?
- [Jenny humming]
- [cellphone dinging]
- Oh, my God.
- What? What... Whats wrong?
- [Anne] Ken. He sent me a video.
- [tense music playing]
Give it to me. Ill look at it.
Mr. Linguini's getting
nice and comfortable over here.
The longer you take to pay me back,
the happier he is with me.
Were calling him Porky now.
Isnt that right, Mr. Porky?
Want some wagyu?
Dont mind if I do.
Thats how I picture him sounding
if he could talk.
Youre running out of time.
Hes gonna make it
so Linguini never wants to leave.
Oh, thats kinda brilliant.
Uh, in a bad way.
In a bad-- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey! It's gonna be okay.
- [Anne] Linguini.
- We are gonna get him back, I promise.
Dont look at your phone.
Do you have a laptop or something?
Cause I can't sleep without noise.
Yeah, in that blue bag.
Ah, whoo! Pop!
- When did you get this? 1970?
- [Jenny] Chad gave it to me.
He was with the CIA,
so you know its powerful.
- Who is Chad?
- [Jenny] Oh, you remember Chad.
I mean, arent you supposed
to have a great memory?
Yeah, for things of note.
Oh, well. I remember
everyone you've ever dated
since it was just that one
weird kid who was so pale
he was practically see-through.
Francoise was not see-through.
Yeah, well. It was like someone
Saran-wrapped a skeleton.
- Ooh, Kahi Bounce Balm?
- No.
Are you sure? Its Korean.
And also, Francoise and I werent dating,
we were just friends.
It wasnt his fault
that he was allergic to the sun.
- What are you doing?
- I want space.
Ah, okay. Well, I sleep with two pillows.
- Thank you very much. Yes, I do.
- Do you sleep with two pillows?
Because you can sleep
with two pillows on the floor.
Im sorry, Im injured,
I'm not sleeping on the floor.
- I'm not sleeping on the floor, either.
- Then sleep on the chair.
I don't wanna sleep in a sitting position.
Oh, my God. What is the big deal?
- We used to sleep together all the time.
- Yeah, 20 years ago, before you left.
Fine, pillow wall.
All right, you know what?
This is not half, by the way.
[Anne] Yes, it is.
I know you're really nervous
about tomorrow.
But is there at least
a small part of you that's excited?
A little bit.
You are gonna be great.
[Terry] I cant believe what Im reading.
Are all three of you librarians?
[audience laughing]
Linguini! Linguini, come here!
- Linguini!
- Linguini! [gasps]
Annie, wake up.
Its audition day.
Its so cold.
[Jenny] It says,
-"Report to the Liberty Conference Room."
- [patriotic music playing]
Jesus, this city is,
like, obsessed with freedom.
Annie. Annie. Annie. Annie. Okay.
Okay. Look at me.
How are you feeling? How are you feeling?
- [Jenny] Okay.
- I can't do this.
- Yeah, yes, yes.
- Am I sweating?
Um... yeah. You know what?
Put your arms down.
Just put your arms down.
Okay, good. Deep breath, deep breath.
One deep breath. Okay, you know what?
- I cant do this.
- Yes, you can!
- [Anne] Mm-mm.
- No! Yes, you can.
Annie. Yes, yes, yes. You know why?
Because you're strong.
Yeah? Okay. All right, lets go.
Lets go! Strong girl. Strong girl.
- [Jenny] Hey!
- Hi! Oh, you must be here to audition.
- Thank you.
- [Mercedes] Have a seat.
[Jenny] Take it, take it. Sit down. Okay.
All right. Its all good. So exciting.
Theres too many people here.
Oh, dont think about them.
Just focus on the fact that you need
this money to save Mr. Linguini's life.
Thats not helping.
I can't do this. I cant go on the show.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm--
I'm gonna end up like Marybeth Windlemore!
Whos Marybeth Windlemore?
The lowest-scoring contestant of all time.
She barely made it through
the Head to Head, and then she just froze.
- Martha Stewart.
- [buzzer buzzing]
- No... No. I mean... [stammers] Betty White.
- [buzzer buzzing]
US First Ladies. Focus on the topic.
- Nancy Sta... Stalin.
- [buzzer buzzing]
- [audience laughing]
- And the internet was so mean to her.
People hate it
when women are bad at things.
You're not gonna be bad.
You're gonna be great.
People dont like it
when women are good at things, either!
And the only reason
why I'm good is because I'm at home.
It's just me and Linguini.
I-- I-- I cant play
in front of all these people.
I-- I--
I think we should just sell my eggs.
No, no, no, no. No.
Annie, look at me.
Look at me. Annie, look at me.
- Mm?
- It's gonna be okay.
Its just an audition. Come on.
We made it all this way.
We gotta try, huh?
- Just sit there. Breathe.
- [Anne] Please.
Okay? Ill fill this out!
All right? Just sit there.
[exhales] Todays date. I dont know.
Tuesday? Tuesday.
- ["Angry Girl (CHAI Version)" playing]
- Um, your name. Okay.
Anne Yum.
Anne, do you wanna use Anne or Annie...
So mad, I'm an angry girl...
Hey! Hey!
Get back here
you sneaky, little bitch! Annie!
Dont you... I told you I ran track!
- [both grunt]
- Rugburn!
- Why are you ruining this?
- Is everything okay?
Oh, we're fine. Thank you.
I am not fine.
- My armpits are like Niagara Falls!
- Okay, just wait. Wait!
Okay, get up. Get up!
Here. Here, here, here, here.
Come on.
God, you are wet underneath there.
Jesus. Okay, here. Just, you know,
put this on so no one can see.
- What is it?
- Its a hoodie.
Okay. It's gonna be okay.
You're having a panic attack.
We just need to get through it.
Well, we're running short on time so, um...
do you want drugs?
- What?
- Do you want drugs?
- I cant...
- Drugs! For your anxiety!
You have drugs?
Oh, yeah. I got a ton of stuff.
Um... I've got party pills,
Zen pills, fun stuff--
Is that cocaine?
[laughs awkwardly] It's stevia.
Do you ever use stevia?
The sweetener?
Yeah. Yeah, Ive got it in my pocket.
God. You need this.
Doctors prescribe these.
Okay, well, not these exactly.
These are from the street
but they will help relax you a little.
[voice over PA]
CSQ auditions begin in three minutes.
All entrants report
to the Liberty Conference Room.
Okay. For Linguini.
Great. Hold this.
Got some water in here somewhere.
I think... Okay.
And only take a quarter because...
Because what?
- Because what? Because what?
- Because. Because I want some.
And now, you ate them all.
Okay, lets go. Lets go.
- Thank you.
- [Mercedes] Thirty-one!
- Now, you look like you have a bowl cut.
- No, I don't.
Okay, pretty, pretty, right? Right?
- How you feeling?
- [Mercedes] Anne Yum, are you here?
- The same!
- Oh, yes, yes. We're here. We're here!
She just had a little ladies' thing
- in the ladies' room, so--
- Oh, okay.
Oh, no, no. It's not for me.
It's for my sister, Anne. Anne Yum.
- You want her here now?
- [Mercedes] Yeah.
When are these drugs gonna kick in?
Watermelon sugar
On a summer evenin'
Baby, you're the end of June...
[Terry] Hi, Anne!
... I want your belly
And that summer feelin'
Getting washed away in you
Breathe me in, breathe me out
I don't know
if I could ever go without
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high...
...Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar...
- Hi, Annie!
- Hi, Annie!
Watermelon sugar high...
[clouds] Annie!
[clouds] Hi!
- ["Watermelon Sugar" stops]
- [indistinct chatter]
Close your mouth, you look insane.
[Mercedes] All right,
for today's audition,
everyone is going to get a chance to play
all three rounds.
We will start with the Blitz.
- Hi! I love your bangs.
- Please don't make her go first.
Please don't make her go first.
- [Mercedes] Angela Jackson. Come on up.
- Close your mouth. Close your mouth.
- Charles Von Kampf and...
- Annie.
- ...Anne Yum.
- Oh, shit! Anne.
- ["Watermelon Sugar" playing]
- Anne, it's your turn to play.
...High, watermelon sugar...
- Bye. Good. Bye. Bye.
- ["Watermelon Sugar" concluding]
[Mercedes] Okay, so you're gonna take
a seat and then we're gonna look
at our categories.
Film, Italian literature, language,
- museums, physics, world history...
- Don't wanna sit on it wrong.
- ...home gardening.
- Jeez.
Entomology and weather.
So soft. Do you realize--
You feel how soft it is?
Okay, so we have five minutes
on the clock.
And your time starts now.
What was the first film
to gross over a billion dollars worldwide?
- Angela.
- Titanic.
- [Mercedes] Yes. The majority of weather...
- Wake up!
- ...occurs in which atmospheric layer?
- [bell dinging]
- [Mercedes] Angela.
- [snores]
- [Angela] Troposphere.
- [Mercedes] Correct.
- What is the deadliest insect?
- Annie!
- Mosquito.
- [Mercedes] You nailed it.
What is the oldest written language?
- [bell dinging]
- [Mercedes] Charles.
- Sumerian.
- [Mercedes] Yes.
Look at you, Father Time.
- [audience laughing]
- [Mercedes] What's that, Miss Yum?
[Anne] Mm. What are you doing?
- [Mercedes] Miss Yum?
- Hmm.
Is everything all right, Miss Yum?
[Mercedes] Who was the first president
to be photographed
- at their inauguration?
- [bell dinging]
- Abraham Lincoln.
- Yes. Correct.
Oh! Do you know that
because you were there?
- [audience laughing]
- Miss Yum, you... you doing okay?
- Shit! Shit!
- [Anne] Oh. I'm just kinda hot.
- I think I might just...
- [Mercedes] Okay.
- ...take this off because I don't...
- Bingo.
- [Anne] The sleeves. Its hot in here.
- Up, up!
- Whoa, that's tight.
- Sorry. Sorry. My bad, my bad, my bad.
I forgot to give her
her diabetes medication.
- You got popcorn?
- No, no, I don't have popcorn.
- Put this down. Hey, hey.
- [Anne] Hi, Jenny.
When she doesn't take it,
she gets drowsy, so...
Drowsiness can't be solved
by diabetes medication.
- Are you a doctor?
- Yes.
- A diabetes doctor?
- Yes.
Well, this is Eastern medicine,
so get with the times, Big Pharma.
Annie, take your medicine.
- That... that... that's good.
- [inhales]
Okay, now, swallow.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [clouds] Swallow.
Now, swallow, swallow. Great.
[echoes] Annie, now you can play.
Our next question is in the sciences.
- What is the only element...
- [thunder rumbling]
...that can exist without...
- [echoes] ...neutrons?
- [rock music playing]
[clouds whimper]
- H... hydrogen.
- [in deep voice] Correct.
What is the smallest bone
in the human body?
[clouds] You have to get them all, Anne.
Or else we'll die!
- It's the stapes!
- [clouds whimper]
- The stapes! The stapes!
- [music cuts off]
- [bell dinging]
- Yes. C... correct.
Yes! Just gotta keep this up
for a couple more hours.
- Oh, God!
- [Mercedes] Anne?
- [bell dinging]
- Correct!
- Oh, no!
- [Mercedes] You got it.
- Anne. Anne. Anne. Anne. Yes!
- [bell dinging]
No, no! Are you seeing this?
[Mercedes] Okay, and one for Anne.
- Best Picture Oscar winners.
- [Anne whimpers]
- I'mma do it in order if that's okay.
- Oh, you don't have to...
Wings, Broadway Melody,
All Quiet on the Western Front,
- Cimarron, Grand Hotel...
- [audience murmuring]
...Cavalcade, It Happened One Night,
Mutiny on the Bounty, The Great Ziegfeld,
- Time!
- All About Eve.
- An American in Paris.
- Okay, your time is up.
The Greatest Show on Earth, Birdman,
Spotlight, Moonlight, Shape of Water,
- Green Book, Parasite, Nomadland, CODA!
- [cheers]
- [bell dinging]
- [laughs] Oh, hello!
- [Mercedes] Okay!
- I'm sorry.
[sighs] Okay. That was amazing.
I had no idea
you've seen all those movies!
I haven't.
I feel like my heart's gonna explode.
Okay? Um. You know what?
Here's something. Eat something. Eat this.
Uh. It might take the edge off.
You know what? I have some...
I have some water in here too.
- So, maybe-- Okay, okay. You know what?
- [grunts]
- [groans]
- That's good. Take a moment.
- Take a moment. Breathe.
- [groans]
God, it's like you're a boxer
or something! This is so exciting!
- [groans]
- Okay. Okay. There's just, like, what?
The Coin?
- Oh, God. The Coin!
- [rock music playing]
[Mercedes] I know,
it looks a lot bigger on TV.
- Heads is "Say It" and tails is "Show It!
- [whimpers]
- [groans]
- And it's heads!
Yes! Victory is mine!
And I feel so relieved
because I can win now,
and the clouds above won't die.
Yes, yes. The clouds won't die.
They're gonna live.
It's an old Chinese saying, you know?
- Yeah. Blessings.
- [audience] Ah!
[gentle music playing]
Okay. Here we are, here we are.
- Step down, step down, and down.
- The metal chariot.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Not... Not that.
- I don't go in the trunk?
- Shotgun.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, okay. All right.
- Well, at least I did it.
Uh. You didn't just do it, Annie.
You crushed that audition.
Okay? Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Just get in, get in.
Wanna get your leg in?
Okay, there we go. She's in, she's in.
- Not kidnapping her, are you?
- [chuckles] Not anymore.
[indistinct chatter]
Surprising that you have
Eggs Benedict here.
Yeah! Oh, yes! Pains me to serve
a dish named after a traitor.
Alas, it's a popular item
which the ignorant expect on every buffet.
And herein lies my conundrum. [chuckles]
Sounds like you might need
to make a pro-con list.
Oh! [chuckles] Look at you, Miss Yum.
You have read my 1772 letter
to Joseph Priestly, have you not?
- Well...
- That's wonderful. [chuckles]
- [Jenny] Annie!
- Uh-oh, the enemy.
[chuckles] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
The Quiz just emailed.
They said to expect a call soon.
- Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
- [Jenny chuckles, shrieks]
- I'm... I'm... I'm gonna be on the show.
- And you thought I could not be Oprah.
- [chuckles]
- Well, too bad
the Choochie's money isn't real.
You'd be flying
around the world like Mary Poppins
- with that gigantic unnecessary bag.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well...
- [Anne] What?
Um. I lied about the Choochie's money.
- Yeah, I know.
- No, no, no, no.
I lied about lying
about the Choochie's money.
It's totally real!
I'm getting a giant check,
just like on TV.
- I made them put that in the contract.
- But...
I'm sorry. [chuckles]
Uh. Wh... what are you saying?
Oh, I knew that the only way
that you would do this is if you thought
it was the only way.
Life coaching.
Yeah, but we could've paid off the debt
and I could have Linguini back.
Yeah, but I told you
that the money hasn't come in yet.
Oh, my God!
- Even your lies are lies.
- I'm not lying.
You always do this.
You don't think
about the consequences of your actions.
Mr. Linguini is everything to me,
and to you, he's just a pawn.
- I thought you were trying to help me.
- I am.
I'm helping you get him back
while also seizing your destiny!
- Oh, my God, destiny isn't real!
- Yes, it is. We all have a purpose.
We just need to find it.
No. See, that's just a lie
that you tell yourself
because you're just chasing
these stupid dreams,
then blaming whatever you can
when they don't work out.
But the truth is, it's you.
You're selfish. You're reckless.
- You are just like Mom!
- Don't say that!
Just take some responsibility
for your life.
Stop being such a goddamn loser.
- [Anne groans]
- [crowd gasps]
You're the loser!
- Yes, I am lonely and currently unhoused...
- [speaks indistinctly]
...and my life hasn't turned out
exactly the way I wanted.
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to be an Asian woman in this country?
[crowd murmuring]
- Oh, my God!
- [Jenny] But at least I've lived!
What have you done with your life?
I mean, you just, like,
hide out in your robot house
just while watching the Quiz,
watching the Quiz.
Yeah, and take care of Mom
and lend you money, and support myself.
I am responsible for everything!
- Excuse me, ladies, if you don't mind--
- Fuck off, Ben Franklin!
- [crowd gasps]
- I absolutely will.
You're the older sister,
you're supposed to help me.
But you never have, you were never there.
All you care about is yourself!
That is not true.
I was always looking out for you.
Yeah? When?
In Burbank!
When you shit in the goddamn hole!
You didn't bury it deep enough.
So, the next day,
when So-Yung and Na-Yung
and I got back from Starbucks...
Appa said you can live with us
and you can come with me
to UCLA next year!
- And we can start our fashion line!
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, Jenny!
[Jin] Uh. Guys.
- Come here. You gotta see this.
- [Jenny] Cousin Jin found it.
- [Na-Yung] Ew!
- [So-Yung] Tiger, did you do this?
- How could that come out of Tiger?
- [So-Yung] Well, then who did it?
[Jenny] I knew right away it was you.
And it was just a matter of time
before they figured it out.
So, I told them I did it.
[all, in slow motion] Ew!
Uncle Joon was gonna let us live
with them in Burbank
'cause Mom was, like, on a bender.
But everything changed after that.
I mean, do... do you know how insane
an 18-year-old would have to be
to shit in a hole?
[crowd murmuring]
Why didn't you tell me?
Because you were eight.
[somber music playing]
- Asshole!
- [crowd murmuring]
[footsteps receding]
Anne, where is my 100 bucks?
- [sobs, sniffles]
- [Francine] Anne...
You... you... you... you wanna come in?
- [sobs, sniffles]
- [Francine] Come on.
- [kettle whistling]
- [cutlery clattering]
- [Francine] Here.
- [cutlery clattering]
I didn't know
you were a Pee-wee Herman fan.
Who the hell is Pee-wee Herman?
P-- Uh.
That's Alan Cumming from The Good Wife.
Such a wonderful actor.
And that Scottish accent of his.
That's not Alan Cumming,
that's P-- That's Paul Reubens.
He plays Pee-wee... Herman.
I think I would know
who my favorite actor is,
thank you very much. That is Alan Cumming.
So, what's wrong with you?
I just...
I thought I was happy.
And maybe I wasn't.
I've just been so scared.
You know, scared of... of being judged,
being laughed at.
When I was younger,
I wasted so much energy
trying to get people to like me.
And for what? Hmm?
So, I could get invited
to some potluck dinner party?
- And terrible games of charades?
- Ugh. I hate charades.
Oh, I love charades.
I am an excellent guesser.
So long as the person who's acting out
the clues is not a total imbecile,
- which they usually are.
- [scoffs]
I've been alive a long time.
I've met a lot of people.
I only liked one.
Was it me?
No. You get too much mail.
The point is... [sighs]
...you don't want to waste time
looking for happiness in other people...
because happiness...
happiness... does not exist.
- Mm-hmm.
- [cellphone ringing]
Oh! Judge Judy.
[announcer over TV] Next up,
she's the voice you trust.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [cellphone ringing]
- Hello?
- [Mercedes] Hi!
We wanna put Anne on Can't Stop the Quiz.
Can she fly out ASAP?
Um. I'm sorry.
I'm no longer part of her journey.
So, you'll have to call her directly.
[Mercedes] Um. I'm sorry, journey?
Where is she go...
- [indistinct chatter]
- [keyboards clicking]
- [telephone ringing]
- Internal auditing.
[Mercedes] Hi! Is this Anne Yum?
This is Mercedes from the Quiz.
Great news!
We'd love to have you on the show!
- Any chance you could fly out tonight?
- Tonight?
- Okay. Youre gonna regret...
- [Mercedes] Yeah, I know it's last minute...
I'm telling you...
[Mercedes] ...but we'd love to capitalize
on the buzz from your video.
[Anne] I can't really hear you.
Hold on one sec.
- Oh, my God. Obsessed with the neti pot.
- I got you one for Christmas for a reason.
- [shushes]
- God!
Uh. Do you guys, like, have to eat here?
Or, like, is there another...
- This is our spot, Fran.
- Yeah, it's kinda great.
Cause then the food smell
stays over here,
- not at our desks.
- Yeah. I know, I know.
- No one's here, like... [laughs]
- [Marge] Yeah.
- [Trav] You're sweating.
- [Marge] It's really spicy.
[Mercedes] Hello?
- Sorry about that, I just...
- [Mercedes] And we need the information
for whoever you wanna bring
- ...as your partner.
- [Marge laughing]
[Anne] I'm so sorry about that.
I just had-- Sorry, one second. I just...
[Marge] Like, I'm, like, dripping,
my back is dripping sweat.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Hey!
I am sick of being treated
like some silent, invisible man.
I exist! And I know that you guys
don't see me around the office.
But you're gonna see me
tomorrow night on television.
- Book it, Mercedes!
- [telephone clatters]
["edamame" playing]
Balls hanging low
while I pop a bottle off a yacht
Chain swanging
cling-clang and it cost a lot
Bitch, I'm always at the guala, yeah
and you are not
Badass B
keep on going 'til you hit the spot
Whoa, I'm a big bag hunter
with the bow...
- [sighs] I'm coming for you, Linguini.
- She got a big bad dumper, drop it low
Mama called me
and she happy with the growth
Never ever fold for a thottie
that's an oath
Just popped her kidney
I bought a million options of the stock
[kids chuckling]
Man, I rock arenas, bringin' the peace
I'm bumpin' that 'Pac in the car
Pretendin' I got all the eyes on me
got a bad baby...
- [Wendy] Hi.
- [door closing]
- Danielle!
- Wendy.
- Wendy!
- I wanted to give you this as a thank you.
For what?
You inspired me. I convinced my boss
to let me take over the pastries.
- [chuckles] What?
- You changed my life, Janet.
It's Jenny.
Raspberry fennel.
Feel so hot like
I'm chillin' on the beach
Yeah, baby in the sun
like the Teletubbies
I'm a big bag hunter with the bow
She got a big bad dumper, drop it low
Mama called me
and she happy with the growth
Never ever fold for a thottie
that's an oath
- [woman] Hey, girls. That's enough.
- [kids clamoring]
- What now?
- I need you to come with me to California.
- What are you vaping? No!
- No. I need a partner
in case the coin flip lands on "Show It"
and I don't have anybody else.
Well, what the hell is "Show It"?
["SHAKE THAT BRASS" playing]
You are strong.
Better get that brass ready, huh
Here we go, hey
- Hey!
- Shake that brass, stop
[rapping in Korean]
[in English] I'm here to see Ken.
Get on the floor, shake that brass
[rapping in Korean]
[in English] I get down, down, baby
[rapping in Korean]
[Mr. Linguini snores]
[in English] Shake that brass
[song concludes]
- Who the hell is this?
- [dog growls]
Crystal's other daughter.
- How'd you find me?
- My ex-boyfriend's CIA.
[scoffs] Coming here was a big mistake.
I will get you the money, but first,
you're gonna give me back that dog.
- [men laughing]
- [scoffs]
- Actually, we're gonna break your arms.
- [intense music playing]
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll...
I'll pay you double. I swear, I swear.
I'm about to get a very large
cash settlement from Choochie's!
You know, Choochie's,
- the nationwide chain.
- [laughs]
- [men laughing]
- Oh, my God, you're so sweaty.
- [grunts]
- You're just like your mom.
- That crazy crying. That screaming.
- [shrieks] No, no, no!
You really think you're gonna bail her out
with that same bullshit?
I am not my mom.
And I am not here for her.
I'm here for Anne,
and that dog has been
by her side for the last 20 years.
- What? How old is he?
- Old!
Yes, Annie is an anxious,
sweaty little weirdo,
but she is my sister. And she needs me.
So, I need that dog.
Just like you need my money.
- Oh, I've done my research, right?
- [men murmuring]
- We Asians like our research, right?
- [suspenseful music playing]
And you're, like, what,
six months behind on rent? [chuckles] Oh.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Did you... did you boys not know?
Shame. Where did all of the money go, hmm?
Up your nose? On your tats?
- In your man buns?
- It's the dogs.
These people, they're monsters.
Half of them never come back
for their dogs.
Oh, and the purebreds,
they have issues, you know?
Skin problems,
kidney problems, anxiety. [scoffing]
My poor Crispy over there
needs constant attention or he gets sad.
- [pants]
- I'm all they've got.
Give me back Linguini, and when my big,
fat Choochie's check comes in,
I'll solve all your money problems.
Do we have a deal?
- [men laughing]
- [laughs] Nope.
["SHAKE THAT BRASS" playing]
[dogs barking]
[Ken] She took my dog!
Shake that brass
- Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho
- Yeah, uh-huh
- Yeah
- Hey, ho...
Get them, you idiots!
That's my dog! Porky! Porky!
[indistinct chatter]
[Anne] Francine!
Jesus! Why is this going so fast?
A person could get killed in this.
- Gotta keep up.
- Okay, all right.
Hi. I... have a plus one.
So glad you all found the place okay.
Now, if you'll follow me,
I'll show you to the green room.
I don't care what color it is
as long as there's a chair in it.
[chuckles] For sure. And, Anne,
we're gonna get you into hair and makeup.
[gentle music playing]
Isn't that amazing?
You know he's never worn
the same one twice.
- [indistinct clamor]
- [Terry] What is the lightest element...
- [Anne's dad] I want a divorce!
- ...on the periodic table?
[door slamming]
What? You've never seen a tie before?
Let's go.
[Glenn] We're on in ten.
You're all mic'd up.
- [sighs]
- [Glenn] Getting closer, people.
Getting closer.
Get away from my makeup.
Just kidding. Hi, I'm Ron. How are you?
Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand but...
- Anyway. How was your flight? Great?
- [sighs]
- Great. Listen, I want to apologize.
- [crew member 1] Big night, Ron.
- [crew member 2] You got this!
- Why?
Uh. Well, because-- Well,
you're obviously a huge fan of the show,
and I just think it's a bummer
that you finally get to be here,
and tonight's gonna be all about me
winning the 84th game,
becoming the longest running champion.
I'm very sorry. It's very unfair to you.
Do you wanna be Terry?
Is that why you're always tryna act nice
'cause you wanna take over the show?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles]
Terry is beloved by the entire world.
I'd be insane to try to think
I could fill his shoes.
- [gasps]
- [Ron] And I'm not pretending to be nice.
I really am nice. Ask anybody here.
- I'm nice.
- [crew member 3] Sure thing, Ron.
[Ron] Well, anyhow,
I'll let you get to it.
I know you gotta get
through hair and makeup.
I already went through hair and makeup.
Well, then you missed a spot.
And I'll let you change and, uh--
Hey! Speak of the devil, or the angel.
- [uplifting music playing]
- Hi, Anne. I'm Terry.
Welcome to the show.
- [over TV] Welcome to the show.
- [audience applauding over TV]
- Your video was very impressive.
- Freakishly great.
- [blows air]
- Hi, Ron.
[Glenn] Two minutes. Places, everyone.
- Okay, see you on stage.
- Thank you.
Remember, we're here
to learn and have fun.
Don't worry about winning.
I have to win to save my dog.
I have no idea what that means,
but I'll see you out there!
[audience cheering, applauding]
Here he is, folks, Terry McTeer.
[audience cheering]
[audience member] We love you, Terry!
Hello, folks. Ready to learn
and have some fun?
- [audience cheering]
- Come on up.
[Glenn] Places, everybody. Places.
- [supporter 1] We love you!
- [supporter 2] You got this!
- All right!
- Yes!
[Glenn] Standby lights to half.
It's seven o'clock on a weeknight,
you know what that means. It's time for...
[audience] Can't Stop the Quiz!
[cheering, applauding]
Come on, Quiz Lady. Let's do this.
Godspeed, Miss Yum.
I swear, they changed the breading
on these mozzarella sticks again.
- [Terry] Let's meet tonight's contestants.
- Shit!
[audience cheering, applauding]
Of course, we all know
our returning champion, Ron Heacock,
who's going for the record tonight.
- Oh, is that tonight?
- [audience chuckling]
And I see you've stolen my look.
Well, it's a big night, Terry.
I wanted to honor you.
- [audience] Aw!
- Well, thank you.
Also, joining us tonight
is someone you might recognize
from your computers,
the famous Quiz Lady. Welcome, Anne.
Thanks, Dad.
- I'm sorry?
- What?
- Welcome.
- [audience applauding]
And welcome Leah from Guam.
What a journey. Best of luck.
Let's see tonight's categories.
Music, books, life science, sports,
- fun and games, mechanics...
- [heart thumping]
- ...food and drink, geology, and language.
- [Mr. Linguini pants]
May I have five minutes
on the clock, please?
- And your time starts now!
- [bell dinging]
The Striding Man is the logo
- of what spirits company?
- Johnnie...
- [buzzer beeping]
- Ron.
- Johnnie Walker.
- [bell dinging]
- Correct. Who wrote Jane Eyre?
- [buzzer beeping]
- Leah.
- Emily Bront.
- [buzzer buzzing]
- [Terry] Oh, no.
- [buzzer beeping]
- [Terry] Ron?
Actually, it was Charlotte Bront.
- The hot one.
- [bell dinging]
- [Terry] Correct.
- Oh...
[Terry] What does an oologist study?
- [buzzer beeping]
- Oh, no.
- [Terry] Ron?
- Eggs.
- [bell dinging]
- Yes, correct.
- You said "oologist" on that one?
- [Terry] I did.
- Oh, I-- ' Cause I heard...
- She's blowing it.
- [Terry] Oo... Oologist.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- [inhales]
- What NBA team holds the record
- for most wins in a season?
- The Warriors!
- [blows air]
- [buzzer beeping]
- [Terry] Ron.
- Golden State Warriors.
- [bell dinging]
- Correct.
Go Splash Brothers. Hi, Steph.
- I hope he's watching.
- Oh, he is.
- [audience laughing, applauding]
- [buzzer beeping]
- Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron.
- [bell dinging]
[Terry] Ron's on a hot streak!
- Come on. Come on.
- [heart thumping]
What qualitative scale
is used to rate minerals
in terms of scratch resistance?
[buzzer beeping]
- Anne.
- Mohs Hardness Scale!
- [bell dinging]
- Correct!
- What is the only mammal that can't...
- [end of round cue]
Gosh, I guess we'll never know.
That's a shame. I love the animal ones.
Well, Leah, goodbye.
When we return,
Ron and Anne will compete head-to-head.
Don't go anywhere, I know I won't.
- [Glenn] And we're out.
- [audience applauding]
[Glenn] Resetting.
Let's clear the stage for Head to Head.
- [Ron] Touch-ups.
- [sighs]
[Ron] More contour,
I want tight little piano fingers.
- [exhales]
- Are you okay? You seem deeply unwell.
[Jenny] Get off of me.
I need to get in there.
- It's an emergency.
- [security guard] Hey, lady. Stop!
- Oh, no.
- [Jenny] I'll sue you into oblivion.
'Cause he's a service dog
and he keeps me from fainting.
- Hey...
- Linguini...
I missed you so much.
- Oh, my boy.
- [groans]
Oh. Is that-- Oh, he smells good.
And he seems like he's been eating.
[pants] And I can't...
I can't believe you... you... you... you...
- [Jenny sighs]
- ...you got him back.
And it's so good that you did
because there's no chance I'm winning.
Quick, create a distraction,
let's do the fries thing.
- No, no, no.
- Just let me...
I'm not letting you run away from this.
You can do this. You know why?
- Because I'm strong.
- Because you know this game,
just like you know
literally everything else.
So, play the same way you always have.
Like a winner.
[Glenn] Thirty seconds, everybody.
Oh, you smell so good.
You're so cute. You're such a big boy.
You can't have a dog up here. Right?
Well, uh...
You know what? I want him with me
and I don't care if that's weird.
- [pants]
- I-- Is it... is it okay that he's with me?
- [Glenn] Places, everybody.
- Oh, is it okay-- Gosh, I don't know.
No one's ever asked that before.
Uh. Let me ask. Uh. Uh.
- Glenn, can she have...
- [Glenn] No! We're live in 15.
Glenn says "no."
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye, doggy.
- [Mr. Linguini groans]
Um. [pants] Hey, everybody!
The Quiz Lady should have
her famous Quiz Dog with her, right?
Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- [audience chanting] Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
- Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
- [audience] Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
- Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
- Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog! Quiz Dog!
[Glenn] Fine, the dog can stay!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Chanting always works.
That was thrilling.
It's like we were in a musical.
[Glenn] And we're live!
- [sighs] I got Linguini.
- No kidding.
[Terry] Welcome back.
For the Head to Head,
we have a special guest joining us.
- Mr. Linguini. Hello, sir.
- [audience applauding]
- And thank you for your service.
- [audience] Aw!
You know, pugs are the official dog
of the House of Orange,
- in the Netherlands. And in 1572 of--
- Ron, I... I'm sorry. Can't stop the quiz.
- Can't.
- Please select Anne's first category.
Hmm. How about sports?
- [Terry] Sports it is.
- [bell dinging]
Anne, please list for us NFL teams
- with more than one Super Bowl win.
- Shit.
- [Terry] Your time starts now.
- [snores]
- Steelers, Patriots, 49ers, Cowboys...
- [bell dinging]
- [crowd booing]
- ...Giants, Packers,
- Broncos, Raiders, Chiefs...
- [bell dinging]
- [chuckles]
- ...Colts, Ravens,
- Dolphins, Rams, Washington...
- [bell dinging]
- [crowd booing, cheering]
- ...Buccaneers.
It's a comeback jawn!
- [bell beeping]
- [audience applauding]
- All right. Ron, now to you.
- [bell dinging]
Please list for us
the geological eras of Earth.
- My pleasure. Cenozoic, Mesozoic...
- [bell dinging]
- ...Paleozoic, Mesoproterozoic...
- What does-- Who cares?
- ...uh, Neoarchean, Mesoarchean...
- [bell dinging]
- ...Alan-archean. Just kidding.
- [buzzer buzzing]
One syllable words with no rhymes. Wow.
- Whilst, angst, cusp, breadth...
- [bell dinging]
- ...ninth, glimpsed, sculpts...
- [breathes heavily] Good.
- ...Goonch, twelfth.
-"Goonch." Oh...
- [bell ringing]
- [audience applauding]
God, I wish I had a service dog up here.
Hey, how about it, everybody?
- [chants] "Ron's dog! Ron's dog!"
- [audience member coughing]
Playable characters in Mario Kart 64.
This is fun.
- Mario, Luigi...
- [bell dinging]
- ...Princess Peach, for the women...
- [women cheering]
- ...Donkey Kong, and uh, Koopa Troopa.
- [buzzer buzzing]
- [laughs] Bowser, moron.
- [bar patron 1] You suck, Ron!
Cruciferous vegetables.
- Broccoli, cauliflower, horseradish, kale...
- [bell dinging]
...cabbage, kohlrabi, bok choy.
- Beethoven, Mozart...
- [bell dinging]
- [sneezes]
- ...Salieri, Strauss.
- [buzzer buzzing]
- Right. He's Romantic era,
which one could argue
still is classical music.
Anyhow, now, may I, uh...
- [Mr. Linguini groans]
- Come here. Oh...
- Okay. [chuckles]
- [Terry] Hmm.
- Hide and seek. Haydn!
- [Anne chuckling]
- [bell dinging, chiming]
- [Ron] It works!
- Such a jerk.
- And for the bonus round, simple machines.
- Lever, pulley, wedge, screw...
- [bell dinging]
...wheel and axle, inclined plane.
And that's all of them!
You finished with 24 seconds remaining,
which means you get a bonus
of 12,000 dollars.
I believe that's a new record.
- Is that right?
- [Terry] Can we check on that?
- [crew members] Yeah.
- Checking. What is that?
I don't-- It is? It is!
- [audience cheering]
- [Terry] That is the highest bonus
in the history of the show.
- Way to go, Annie!
- [Terry] Congratulations, Anne!
- [bell dinging]
- Whoo!
- Oh, huzzah!
- [Anne] Thank you.
[Terry] What a comeback.
This is just like
the classic sports film,
Mighty Ducks 2."Ducks fly together."
What a wonderful message.
Have you seen it?
- I've seen it multiple times.
- Oh...
Yes, it's in my top ten.
It might be my top two.
I think it's my number one.
Will the comeback continue,
or will another record be broken tonight
by Ron winning his 84th game?
It all depends on the final round.
- Time for the flip.
- [audience applauding]
[Terry] Ron, you have the honors.
[upbeat music playing]
[Ron] Whoo! Flip it! [grunts]
[audience] Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one!
- [audience] Show it!
- Oh...
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Charades.
When we return,
Anne and Ron will compete in "Show It."
- [chuckles]
- [Glenn] And we're out.
"Show It" is where Heacock
becomes a peacock.
- Hmm.
- How are you, buddy?
- All right, let's get in sync here.
- Okay.
[both vocalize]
- Oh, no. [coughs, grunts]
- Oh, no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
No, I'm fine.
It just got down the wrong pipe.
- [Anne] Uh-huh.
- [grunts]
- I always thought you ate crackers...
- [Terry] No.
- ...between the commercials.
- You caught me. [chuckles]
My wife, Cecilia,
worries about my sugar intake,
so, I just... I just say they're crackers.
[chuckles] What are you hiding from, huh?
I don't know what I'm doing. [chuckles]
All those...
...people watching and...
I'm gonna lose.
[sighs, clicks tongue]
You know... [smacks lips, sighs]
...whenever I look
at this bow tie right here,
it makes me think of one contestant
from that night, Oscar from Texas.
We had a wonderful conversation
about how he makes his own jams.
He tries these wild combinations,
like blueberry rhubarb.
What? [chuckles]
And he's like an artist, but with jams.
Oh! This was the night
that Aparna from New Jersey
played her mandolin for us
during the commercial break.
And that night, Mike from Maine
brought me a snowball in a cooler
cause he... he remembered that I had said
I... I missed New England winters.
Great guy.
None of them actually won their games.
You know, like most contestants,
they were just here for one night, but...
I don't think of them as failures.
I'm just glad
I got a chance to talk to them,
and they... they got a chance to play.
Don't ruin what might be
your only night here
by making it about winning or losing.
Just try to think
of what you wanna remember.
As for me...
no matter who wins...
this one will always remind me
of Anne from Pennsylvania
who brought her dog.
- There you are. We need you on stage.
- Yeah, right away, Glenn.
- Thank you so much.
- [Glenn sighs]
It's Glenn's world
and we're all just living in it, you know?
- [chuckles]
- [Terry] All right. Ready?
- [sighs]
- [intriguing music playing]
And legally, you have to allow
service animals, but also,
- it's the right thing to do, you know?
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
And you know what? Not only for Anne,
but for society, as well.
[Mercedes] Sure, it's just that
it's clearly a fake vest, so...
[Jenny] I know, but what side of history
do you wanna be on?
[Mercedes] Okay,
you can't pull that with me.
You know what? I think it's probably
gonna be really great for ratings.
- You know what?
- I wanna change my partner.
- What?
- What?
I wanna play with my sister.
- Jenny.
- [Glenn] You can't do that.
- Glenn, it's her game. I think she can.
- [Jenny] What? Uh.
You want me to guess?
But I don't know anything.
You know me.
And... and win or lose,
we'll... we'll... we'll do it together.
- [Glenn] All right. Switch them.
- I came all this way.
- I know, Fran. I'm so sorry about that.
- Ma'am, this way.
Um. If I could get you
and Mr. Linguini to a seat?
- [Anne] Sorry, Francine.
- [Francine] Now, I have to watch
the rest of this shit.
She can't do that.
You can't switch partners.
This is so unfair.
What are you gonna do next?
Give her all the answers?
- Welcome back.
- [clears throat]
I hope you enjoyed your break.
Joining us for the final round
is Ron's friend, Bart,
and Anne's sister--
I'm sorry, I never got your name.
Oh, Jenny.
- [Terry] Hi, Jenny, I'm Terry.
- Oh, hello, Satan.
Ron and Bart are up first,
so we'll ask Anne and Jenny
to step on the "Show It" coin.
Gentlemen, take your places.
Best of luck.
[Ron] I'm ready, Terry.
- And your time starts now.
- [bell dinging]
- [timer ticking]
- Book. Magazine. Mag.
- Shopping. Cart. Mag.
- He's good.
- Cart. Magna Carta. Hmm.
- [bell dinging]
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- What's the Magna Carta?
Sky. Space.
- Dog.
- [audience laughing]
- [barks]
- Shut up!
- [Bart] Stay.
- [barks]
- Shun.
- [gasps]
Space. Stay.
- Shun. International Space Station.
- [bell dinging]
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- How... how's that possible?
- [Bart] Africa.
- Morocco.
- [gasps]
- [audience applauding]
- [bell dinging]
- Kombucha!
- [Bart] Apple cider vinegar.
- Oh.
- [bell dinging]
Woman. Thatch. Margaret Thatcher.
- [bell chiming]
- Hmm.
[Terry] And that's your time.
Ron, you got seven correct,
which brings your total
- to a whopping 61,000.
- [bell dinging]
- Whoo! Heck yeah, bro. Whoo!
- [Bart] Hmm.
But one thing stands
between you and victory.
Well, actually two, Anne and Jenny.
- [Ron] Oh, boy.
- [Terry] Come on up. Let's switch places.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Beat that.
- [grunts]
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- [Ron] What? What?
- [Bart] Hmm.
- [chuckles]
- [Terry] Anne? Jenny?
- Yeah?
- You need at least nine in order to win.
- Okay. [inhales]
- [Terry] And your time starts now.
- [bell dinging]
- [timer ticking]
[breathes heavily]
Okay, okay, okay, thinking, thinking.
Um. Um. A gathering. Uh.
You have a-- You... you... you have some--
Uh. A... an ear... ear...
ear... earache, earring, earring.
A gun in my ear? Earring gun.
"I can't hear," you're deaf.
Uh. Okay, not-- No. Don't-- Not that.
Um. A flying... a flying duck.
A duck... a duck. Uh.
Something is moving. What?
What? Do... do something else.
You're in jail, you can't get out.
You're The Hamburglar.
- [audience laughing]
- This is pathetic.
- [groans]
- [Jenny] Do something else!
Just do something else!
Uh. It's a... [inhales]
- Uncle Dong?
- [audience murmuring]
Okay, Uncle Dong, Uncle Dong.
Uncle-- Stock market.
[bell dinging]
Um. [chuckles]
Okay. Um. Me? Me? Praying.
I'm praying, I'm praying. Uh-huh. Okay.
- And Kristi Yamaguchi!
- Yes.
- [bell dinging]
- Yes.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Looking at a house.
Okay, me, me, me, me.
- Ketchup! [chuckles]
- [bell dinging]
- [audience gasping]
- What?
Uh. Gross, gross.
You, me, gross. Oh! The Beatles.
- [bell dinging]
- Yeah. Okay, uh, you, uh, banana.
- [chuckles] Glue stick! Glue stick!
- [bell dinging]
Oh, yeah, that's... that's me!
That's cheesecake!
I like it too.
Uh. The... the sad dog
from, uh, Homeward Bound.
- Shadow. Yes! Yes!
- [bell dinging]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
- Taking out the trash!
- [bell dinging]
- [both laugh]
- [audience laughing]
- [Jenny] Yes!
- That... that was good.
- Very good.
- [shushes]
[audience member 1] Come on, Quiz Lady!
One more.
Okay. [breathes heavily]
You are just, uh, so flinging.
Oh, you're gonna be strong.
You are-- Muscle. Muscle. Muscle.
You're like muscle... muscle lady.
Muscle. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Muscle. A bra-- A breastplate. Breast. Uh.
Uh. You're like a tiger woman.
Oh! You... you're swimming. What is this?
Uh. Oh! Oh, yes. Uh. Okay, okay.
I'm sweating, I'm sweating.
[pants] Okay. Okay. You, you, you.
You are... [pants] ...digging a hole.
Digging a hole,
digging a hole, digging a hole.
And you...
shit in a hole?
- [audience murmuring]
- Uh. Sh... shoot in a hole?
Shoot in a hole? Shoot in a hole.
Okay. Me. Me and, uh, you.
You, me.
You. You.
- Hero?
- [gentle music playing]
[audience gasping, murmuring]
[bell dinging, chiming]
- [Terry] And time's up.
- [audience gasping]
- We have a new champion.
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering, applauding]
Quiz Lady is my best friend.
- [cheers, screams] My God!
- No! No! No!
I'm very sorry, Terry.
I'm very sorry to do this, everybody.
- She cheated.
- What?
You brought in a dog,
you changed partners at the last second.
They use some kind
of ancient Chinese mind meld.
- [gasps] Actual racism.
- Just be honest with me, Terry.
You're threatened by me.
You wanted me to lose?
He wanted me to lose.
- [audience murmuring]
- Just lose with honor.
I can't... I can't... I can't. I am exciting.
I'm fresh. I'm popping. I'm young.
- And you're just a boring old man.
- [audience gasping]
- [Ron] Acting like you invented...
- [gasps]
...the bow tie. [chuckles]
[over TV] I'll keep going.
- [audience booing over cellphone]
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Yeah, I will say--
- I think you should stop.
In fact, I think you should buzz off, Ron.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [Mr. Linguini grunts]
- Ooh!
- Would a boring old man say that?
Congratulations, Anne,
you're our new Quiz Champion!
[cheering, applauding]
[sentimental music playing]
I'm sorry, Terry.
No. I... I-- Yeah.
Anne! Anne! Anne!
- [audience] Anne! Anne! Anne!
- [Terry] Join us tomorrow
for another night of fast facts
and live learning.
I'm Terry McTeer, and I'll be right-- Oh!
I'll be right here.
Have a good night.
[cheers, laughs] You did it!
- We did it.
- Win! Win!
- You bring me all this way...
- [chuckles]
...on the promise that I might get
a chance to play charades...
- [sighs]
- ...and it was all just a... charade.
Hey, if you're gonna be this miserable,
can you just, like, die?
- Don't.
- 'Cause you're ruining her moment.
Oh, moment. Look at the two of you,
running around, searching for happiness.
It's just deranged.
Just accept the fact that nothing
will make life better.
- Life is, and always has been a... a...
- [golf cart's horn honking]
[breathes shakily] ...a miracle.
[traditional folk music playing]
It's... it's... it's... it's, uh, it... it's...
- Who?
- [Anne] So sorry to bother you.
- She's a huge fan of yours.
- [Francine whimpering]
Uh. Maybe you can give her
a ride in your golf cart.
- Uh.
- Sh... she's gonna die soon.
- And she has this horrible disease...
- It's...
...where her intestines grow
like an invasive weed. It's everywhere.
- They kinda--
- Yeah, yeah, fine. Hop in.
- [Francine gasps]
- She also thinks
you're the Scottish actor, Alan Cumming.
Just play along with that.
[Francine] You're excellent
in The Good Wife.
You're so, so excellent.
- Ooh! What a bonnie lass.
- [chuckles] Oh, my God!
[Paul laughing]
- Who was that?
- [Paul] Play that bagpipe!
- Not Alan Cumming.
- [Paul] Oh, me pot o' gold. Lucky Charms!
That was a bloody good pudding.
Glengarry... [laughs]
[gasps] Oh! Look at it.
Oh! It's so beautiful.
[Jenny] Where's Burbank from here?
I think it's over there by the mountains.
[Jenny] Wow!
I always thought my destiny was out there.
Maybe it is.
It's just Burbank.
I'm sorry, I left you to deal with Mom.
I'm sorry, I ruined our chance of living
with the cool cousins.
- That was not your fault.
- It was.
I mean, they always thought
we were the losers of the family.
We kind of were.
Not today.
- You're right. Not today. [chuckles]
- [laughs]
- Not today!
- Not today!
- Motherfuckers!
- Oh, okay.
[geese squawking]
- I love you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [gasps] Look, geese, geese! [chuckles]
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
I love you, Jenny.
[gentle music playing]
I love you, Annie.
Thank you.
- Did you just say, "Thank you"?
- What? Yeah. Why?
Come here. Come here,
I'm touching you now.
- No!
- You can't help it.
I'm so proud of you.
[Anne sighs] Okay.
You know, I, uh, I'm gonna have
to stay in California for a while.
[Jenny] Oh! Look at the glow up.
Would you wanna stay with me?
Just cause I feel like
we make a pretty good team.
Uh. Yeah! We do!
[gasps] Oh. I can finally,
like, coordinate our outfits.
I have the most amazing sleeveless blazer,
it's chartreuse.
- No.
- [Jenny] It would be very slimming.
- [Anne] I don't like sleeveless.
- [Jenny] All you have to do
- is some pushups.
- [Anne] What do you mean?
[Jenny] You should work
on your arms a little bit.
[Anne] Are you trying to say
that I'm out of shape or something?
[Jenny] Yeah.
["Growing Up" playing]
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
I can't look at-- Leave it. No, no.
Let me have it, you go away,
and let me look at it by myself.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Lean on each other
When we need some extra strength
We'll never cave or we'll never waver
And we'll always
become braver and braver
- Whoo! [chuckles]
- [laughs]
We'll dance like nobody's there
we'll dance without any cares
- We'll talk 'bout problems we share
- [cheers]
- Thanks so much. Well done. [cheers]
- We'll sing to people and show
What it means
- To be young and growing up
- [dogs barking]
[indistinct chatter]
Make way. Make way.
Ooh! Hot, hot, hot! Ooh!
We should've done this family style.
Good eve.
Welcome to the Ben Franklin Inn and Spa.
- [telephone ringing]
- [chuckles] Oh!
What is that sound? Is it a chirping bird?
Ben Franklin Inn and Spa.
- Hmm.
- I make as many good memories as I can
When there are nights I can't sleep
it's okay in the end
[laughs] I'm sorry,
that was horrible phrasing.
I know what I do now makes me, me
Wherever we go, wherever we go, we
We'll dance like nobody's there
we'll dance without any cares
We'll talk 'bout problems we share
we'll talk 'bout things that ain't fair
We'll sing 'bout things we don't know
we'll sing to people and show
What it means
to be young and growing up
We'll take the good with the bad
all of the times that we'll have
Make every moment last
we'll have each other's backs
'Cause in the end we don't know
we don't know where we will go
We don't know
so there's still a little more
Growing up
[curious music playing]
["We Got It" playing]
[women vocalizing]
Hold on
Trust me, trust me, baby
Into the sky
we can, we can, we can make it
I got it, you got it, we got it
I got this under control
You can, you can, you can call me
together, unstoppable
I got it, you got it, we got it
[women vocalizing]
["We Got It" concludes]