Radiostars (2012) Movie Script
1
Today we have a rising star with us
throughout the show.
He's young, he's funny
and if you haven't yet seen him live,
his show's run has been extended.
Evening, Alex.
Evening, Marie,
a pleasure to be here.
Your real voice is just as good.
Thanks, but yours is so much classier.
I grew up listening to you
and I'm stressing out here.
You always wanted to be a comedian?
No, before,
it never occurred to me.
Before what?
Before last summer.
Actually, it's complicated.
What happened last summer?
Worse than a shrink. Merciless.
Tell us all about it.
It may be a bit long.
We've all the time in the world.
First,
I'll let you cue in the next track.
You can still do it?
Sure.
No problem, why not?
Welcome to
Up Close and Personal with Marie.
Know what? Let's take a break
from your usual artists,
like Garth Brooks.
Today I get to choose.
And my choice is Oxford Comma
by Vampire Weekend!
What've they got
that ours don't?
It's good shit, baby!
Isn't it cool in the back?
No, it sucks.
What if a paparazzi wants a shot?
Paparazzi? I'm unknown.
For now.
It's going to happen, trust me.
Why didn't Lauren come?
Hold onto her, she's cute.
Looks just like Anne Frank.
It's wild.
Come on, it doesn't matter.
Got that?
You can break out here.
Screw the Yanks.
Handsome, young and Jewish,
you've got it all.
For comedy,
there's more than New York.
With internet,
America comes to you.
Anyway, I don't give a damn.
Ben.
I believe in you.
I know you're funny.
Gimme a break!
I'm talking to my son.
He's my son, dammit!
You're going out?
It's on me.
I was thinking...
Now you're back for good,
stop by Henri's.
Henri?
Yes, Henri.
From the laundry.
Yes, Henri from the laundry.
Don't be such a little snob.
He knows people.
Like who?
People...
Tim Allen.
He knows Tim Allen.
He cleans his suits every week.
That cover it?
Hey, Ben.
You okay?
Yeah, I just got back and...
Gimme some space.
Douchebag.
Hold on.
Back off, will you?
You're too kind.
Up your ass, bitch!
Steph?
You are. You're Stephane.
- Wrong, I'm not Stephane.
- You're not Stephane?
Sure, you're not. Yeah, right.
I'm not Stephane. Asshole!
Stephane's here!
Seriously, this is whack!
The guy's sorted his DVDs by genre.
Crazy genres.
Animals. Penguin Movies.
Panda Movies.
Nuts!
Either he's a genius or a total dork.
All 6 Beethovens.
He's a dork.
Beethoven is a good doss
but the rest are turkeys.
A doss?
A good doss. Good shit.
Doss replaces any word,
when you're too lazy to think of it.
Beethoven 6!
What did they do to the dog in No.6?
He becomes a Hollywood star
and a jealous trainer kidnaps him.
More or less.
You nailed the movie.
It's your house?
No, I had a St. Bernard, so I know.
Lucky boy.
I wanted a dog, my folks didn't
and now my chick doesn't.
She's a heeb.
Heebs don't dig dogs.
I'm Jewish and I had three.
Heeb chicks then.
- Alex.
- Nice to meet you.
Ben? Fuck!
- You good?
- And you?
How long's it been now?
Great, getting to know each other?
Come down after the show
and we'll talk it over.
What were you talking about?
Beethoven.
The Hollywood star.
Okay, off topic.
Ben's my stand-up pal from New York.
I told you about him.
And this is Alex,
my sweetheart.
That's me, the sweetheart.
He works with me,
presenting the Breakfast Club,
the hottest morning radio show.
They're in shit and need a writer.
That's why I told you to come.
So you want me to write for you?
It's up to you.
We're just some guys,
hangin' out, talkin' shit.
It's cool.
Yeah, sure. I mean...
Sure, with pleasure.
Stefano, Stephanus!
I'm not Stephane, fuck it!
I'm not Stephane.
Tell him fast.
See that?
Tim Allen.
- Nice shot.
- Very nice.
And that's what's his name.
TV star.
- Jerry Springer.
- That's right.
And that's...
the rapper.
Know him?
Not M.C. Solaar, the other one.
He knows all the rappers and singers.
I know him.
Tim will stop by for his suits...
He's not listening.
Ben, listen to Henri.
- You're listening?
- I'm listening.
Mr. Allen will stop by for his suits
this Friday.
You arrive, glance at me
and if I'm eating pistachios,
Tim's in a good mood.
Henri...
Shut up!
Shut your trap.
Then you'll have five minutes
to make him laugh, no more.
I'll push
the ironing boards back for you.
But if I'm not eating pistachios,
hold fire.
We'll try again next laundry day.
Master plan.
Thanks. I have work lined up.
What work?
I'm giving you your break.
- What're you doing?
- Thanks.
I gotta go.
- You're leaving?
- I gotta bounce.
Benjamin?
Watch movies and series!
What you call hell,
Arnold calls home.
Blast FM, No.1.
Blast FM,
back with the breakfast show.
Hell yeah!
What's going on?
We have an intruder.
Pull up a chair.
Come on in.
We can't hear gestures.
Sit him down and open up a mic.
What's your name?
They told me to drop by.
Told-me-to-drop-by.
Dumbass name.
Anything easier to remember?
We have 6 million listeners,
introduce yourself.
My name's Ben.
- Benjamin.
- Speak up.
Benjamin what?
Benjamin Jablonsky.
Okay, typically Moroccan.
You're Jablonsky?
That's what he just said, Alex.
You were a comic in NYC?
And now you wanna write for us.
No kidding.
I just got back from New York,
doing stand-up.
Guys, listen up.
Ben leaves the States
to break out in Paris.
Benjamin,
you usually go back to front?
A new date, you fuck her first,
buy her dinner later?
Benjamin goes to see Avatar.
On the way out,
he puts the glasses on.
Joke too long, Cyril.
Basically,
Ben kills himself,
then listens to Lady Gaga.
Smithers alert.
Smithers is agitated.
Coordinator Smithers has a joke for
us.
Ben, you rape a child,
then you give him candy.
Off limits.
- Most people do the opposite.
- Most people don't rape kids.
Back on charge, Smithers.
Forgive me if I don't laugh.
Hold on, guys.
One single reason
why we should hire you?
To be cool.
Don't you have 6 million listeners?
Not bad.
See you tomorrow.
6-9 with Arnold
and the Breakfast Club crew.
Remember, if your life's shitty,
you shoulda worked harder at school.
The Breakfast Show,
in front of the others
and behind your wife.
Smithers,
draw up his contract.
We pick him up just like that.
Yes.
Sorry, Arnold, but...
Might we know why?
Because I can.
Jeremie,
the CDs are for listeners,
not your homies.
Are you acc...
Not accusing you, I see you.
I wasn't gonna say that.
You totally played me.
You got me to hire your ex.
So what?
Benjamin Jablonsky took your cherry.
He was my 1st boyfriend.
- You start with tongue not cock.
- What?
What's your plan? I'll kill him.
There's no plan, Alex.
The guy's funny.
His dad told me he sells out.
You guys have been slipping.
Don't be such an idiot.
You'll get on.
What's the problem?
Sure, we can discuss your ass.
Like, how's it matured, Ben?
I don't know, check it out.
Can it!
Last night, you DVD-bonded.
Last night,
he hadn't fucked you!
What the fuck was that this morning?
Quit yelling, will you!
No new writers! We have no money.
Fine, this is Ben.
Frederico, our program director.
You'll see, he's an exceptional boss.
The answer's no.
No?
In NYC, they'd kill for him.
But you say no.
Lucky I went over your head
and they said yes.
Redial, if you don't believe me.
How much will he cost us?
Good question.
How much are you worth?
Ristretto, sugar +4, no swizzle.
43 seconds.
It's boxing!
I don't get all this violence.
Boxing is violent, Cyril.
Destroy the guy!
Take a seat.
Is this the audience ratings party?
No party. We're No.1
and we do what we want.
How'd you get in?
See the dork?
An ass but he loves us.
He's a fan.
Cyril, you loser.
Get off the phone!
Joystick!
Sorry, I got a text.
Go ahead, go for it.
Let's see some action.
Ready to rumble?
Hey, it's me.
What is it?
What is this shit?
What a combination!
You call that good news?
No, I don't.
Your joystick's bust?
I'll call you back.
There you go!
Screwed him.
Sore loser!
You got a problem?
What's wrong?
Wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Open up!
Hit pause.
What's going on?
This is private property.
The cops!
I'm gonna kick ass.
It's only a joint, it's cool.
Only a joint?
We shouldn't be here?
No, we shouldn't trespass
in a movie theater to smoke weed.
Let's roll!
We'll fuck them up!
Hold on.
I'll go. If they arrest me,
you can do the show.
You're all going to jail.
Hey, newbie!
We're the vag badges.
Come on.
Hey, girls.
You okay?
Police!
Goodnight, guys!
In 3 hours, we're on air.
I don't wanna be cr...
Crunked, okay.
We burn it up together
and head on over.
Goodnight.
Okay, bounce.
Forget it, he'll never wake up.
Very true.
Shit, who's on air?
This is Ghetto Jeremie,
the show that rips you a new one.
Ain't no pussyass...
French rappers here.
Only the real deal.
Notorious B.I.G,
2pac,
Big L...
Niggaz that checked out too soon.
I say to them...
Rest in peace, niggaz.
Missed you for the ratings.
The numbers came in.
How do you see it?
Pretty...
Good.
Yeah, nice.
Very nice. Congratulations.
Thanks.
We've been slipping
and now we're No.2.
No longer France's most popular
station.
You fuck-ups
are putting the station in danger.
Happy?
Look, we'll get it back.
I promise you.
That's for sure.
Cancel your summer vacations,
you're going on tour.
On tour?
To every town in France
where you screwed my audience.
Yes, well, I don't think so.
Sorry, Frederico.
I just dropped five grand as a deposit
on a house in Porto-Vecchio.
A great house.
Cyril!
We're not going on tour?
Meeting people?
Yup, meeting people.
How about we blow each listener?
Watch the ratings soar!
Shut the hell up.
Be a smartass No.1, sure,
but we're No.2.
For the first time in 10 years.
The tour starts tomorrow
and it's low-cost.
We'll see you in Marseille
at the concert you host every year.
To assess the situation.
Either we're No.1...
or you...
I don't know.
You go back
to whatever you did before.
Is that a guy or a girl?
He's physically challenged.
Looks like Francoise Hardy.
Or Jacques Dutronc.
Yeah.
Sorry, what's your name?
Daniel(le).
Shit.
Wild! Daniel(le)!
Like it.
I mean, phonetically,
it's swinging.
Daniel(le)'s a great name.
And it's unisex.
Yeah, it goes both ways.
Sure.
Not under the bus.
Amazing. I was just thinking that.
What are you doing here?
Smithers told me that...
Learn to finish your sentences.
It's a pain in the ass.
Get in.
Your brain is 80 years old.
We don't speak, we don't talk.
About what?
Dude,
I know about Sabrina and you.
I know everything.
Dude, we dated in 9th grade.
She said. Don't bullshit me.
You're in cahoots.
I'm over Sabrina.
You got a chick?
- You really wanna know?
- Yeah, I do.
I just got dumped.
That's my break-up gift.
So screw you, her and your paranoia.
Can I look?
How'd she write on M&Ms?
You order them online.
Shit, that's mean.
But it's pretty cool.
- Can I eat it?
- No.
Smithers, this is Chaumont?
Relax, this is Chateauvillain
and the hotel's real cozy.
I'll know where to come
to hang myself.
Shit, look at that.
Why me, dammit?
Guys?
Guys! Fuck it!
- Cool, you got swords.
- Shut up. Look!
What?
That!
What's that?
- What is that?
- What's up?
What's that?
- What's up, guys?
- It's a thing.
What's the doss?
- What's up?
- We don't know.
It's a pair of socks rolled up.
A pair of socks?
You put them on!
What a fine bunch of pussies!
Don't!
Rolled-up socks.
Sweet.
Try to find me a Diet Coke, please.
I asked earlier.
They only have regular.
In Paris, Diet's regular.
It's called the Paris Inn.
I caught him.
Is he out of his mind?
Dipshit!
It's only a little toad.
It's only a toad.
I only drank 17 Buds today.
I only assfucked my son
at harvest festival.
Dipshit!
Calm down, dude.
Get over your fears.
Bullshit.
I'm not scared of...
It's that idiot
with his half-assed jokes.
And his ballet shoes.
Once again,
you're freaking over nothing.
Know what soothes at times like this?
Only...
music.
Not so long ago,
I met a Tunisian collective.
Last time I went for a massage
but who cares...
Instead of laughing,
find us a guest for tomorrow.
All right.
Smithers!
Please do.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Look, we're on a journey.
Every time,
you find something nice to say,
even when we're in complete
shitsville!
Music, Arnold.
Mr. Final Word.
Has to end the conversation.
I'll leave you the final word.
There you go. It's crazy.
You'll see, he's not done.
I left it to you.
He never shuts up.
20 years, and he never shuts up.
Arnold, sound good for you?
One-two. One-two-three.
Perfect.
Can you make my voice clearer, please?
- Make it younger?
- No.
Screw you! Is that clearer?
Alex? Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Hello!
This is not a re-run.
I repeat, no re-runs.
Do you think
we'd abandon you, cut you loose,
for the whole vacation?
We're not guys like that.
Definitely not.
To prove it,
the Breakfast Show will be on tour
throughout the whole of France
throughout the summer,
in every town and city.
All thanks to our sponsor, Dead
Riders,
the killer drink!
Great!
Today we're in Chaumont,
welcomed by the mayor himself.
That's right.
Today Chaumont, tomorrow...
Thanks, Alex. Wide awake.
The Breakfast Show,
touring France all summer,
coming to your town
for those with no vacation,
the forgotten masses,
the holidayless,
the students and workers.
Don't worry, France. You're not alone.
Hell yeah!
The Breakfast Show on tour
all summer!
So here we are outside the town hall
in Chaumont...
So you're a falconer.
All I can say is, what's that?
It means using raptors like Richie
here
to scare birds
that are harmful to the community.
Quite.
A quick example. The pigeon.
No kidding.
The pigeons where I live are hell.
For the benefit of our listeners,
we have Ben, the rookie of the team,
with an eagle on his arm, right?
A golden eagle.
How's it feel, Ben?
Scary!
Today, it's my honor
to introduce Jean-Bernard Reduque.
Go ahead, Jean-Bernard.
Hello and thank you, everybody.
Before anything else,
what is cappuccino?
Coffee with cocoa powder on top.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
What if you don't like coffee?
That's where I come in.
With the Chocuccino.
I have a question for him.
Isn't it a pain
to have your forehead sponsored?
For 20,000 a year, I don't think so.
Curly is peanuts, pistachios
and tutti frutti, right?
The whole shebang!
This isn't good.
He's not happy there.
He's ready to attack.
Let him peck you 5-6 times.
When he's bored, he'll fly off.
Not powdered milk, chocolate milk.
Milk with chocolate.
That's chocolate and milk,
mixed more.
Mixed more? I get it.
With ground coffee on top.
Have any very tall people at parties
grabbed hold of your head?
Maybe a guy thinking
you're a pistachio?
I don't think so.
My money's on the bird.
On the bird?
I bet on Ben then.
I'm gonna clean up.
He's in pain, guys. Do something.
He'll go for the eyes.
What don't you get?
The whole recipe.
Chocolate milk, you know?
Liquid.
With ground coffee on top.
I've no problem
adding Paprika or Onion,
or Vinegar.
The issue is space.
It's easy, dammit!
It's chocolate milk
with ground coffee!
Richie! Back!
It's simple!
Don't worry, it's okay.
There's no point anymore.
You take chocolate milk
and then you sprinkle coffee on top.
That's right.
So you have
a cappuccino in reverse.
I should explain to listeners,
Richie's asleep.
Find me a fella like that
in every town.
We'll be rocking then.
What if I do a regular piece,
a kind of travelogue
about the tour played for laughs?
On air?
Yeah.
Maybe. I don't know...
Maybe not.
After two days, you're on air.
In one week, you'll do the news.
In two weeks,
you'll host the Oscars.
Ben sends the ratings through the
roof.
Doofus!
Come on.
The Bains-Douches nightclub has moved!
You're not coming?
In a few minutes.
Next Sunday is lookalike night,
with special guest star, Richard,
Steven Seagal's official lookalike.
Arnold, I doubt the cigarette...
Bring it on.
581 CVJ 90.
That's the plate of the Dacia
blocking the entrance.
People can't get in the club.
Please move the vehicle.
He's a new dad!
I pity his son.
Who is also his nephew.
Put on some Jay-Z, please.
I haven't got him.
- Any Wu Tang?
- No. I already told you.
Snoop?
We only play hits. Blow!
Is that digital or analog?
You, get lost too!
You're missing Dr. Alban's latest hit.
What?
Nothing.
No, thanks.
I keep fixating
about your loser story yesterday.
The chick dumped you
with a bag of M&Ms?
She also said
the adventure was over for us.
Bitch!
It's not American Idol.
She's no bitch.
You don't know her, so shut up.
You cheated on her?
No.
5 years with me. She bounced.
I'd have done the same.
Are you nuts? Don't talk like that.
A real man doesn't.
It's over.
Nobody cares whose fault it was.
File her on the bitch pile.
Whatever.
I don't wanna talk about it.
That's a pity.
You're talking to a guy
who got his ass dumped before.
I swear it's true.
Sobbing and everything.
The thousand-mile beard.
Mariah Carey on the iPod, dude!
Then you know it's bad.
I'm just saying, it's no problem.
I know when you see me,
you think, no way.
Because I'm fit.
C'mon, let's burn it up.
Sorry, can't do it.
Force yourself.
Do nothing, nothing's doing.
Do what guys have done
since the dawn of time.
Toss some dosses.
We toss dosses?
Exactly. We toss dosses.
We screw chicks.
We do what we gotta do to get over it.
If you wanna get over it.
Come on...
Straight up, come on.
I wanna get my ass kicked tonight.
By those guys?
Maybe not.
I'm not so sure.
You know me.
I'm always up for a brawl.
Especially now. I'm in great shape.
There's only 8 of them.
No, it'd be too easy.
C'mon, relax.
Eye contact. Drink up.
What?
I'd like to be in the media, too.
Like you.
Like us. Exactly the same.
But my dad said everything
was run by the...
I'm Jewish, I've got money.
Stick with me, you'll make moola.
You're my cousin, you're family.
Let's go buy gold Rolexes.
Awesome!
You took me to the Garment District.
Spot on!
Movies, TV, banks, magazines...
- They own everything.
- Everything!
Nothing for the rest of us.
Gotta be a Jew to make it.
- Unless you're a fag.
- Or a fag!
Totally.
To big faggots! Drink up.
Just a second, potty visit.
Potty visit? That's cute, too.
I'm gone. She's a Nazi.
Don't care.
Toss that booty and avenge
6 million innocents with your dick.
Screw that! She's Hitler
with a beautician's diploma.
Gentlemen,
I think it's backed up
unless they're freeing Mandela.
She's scum. Screw her mean
and nasty. Bone her dry.
Here, babe!
You're snug as a bug in my little rug.
It's warm and cozy.
Isn't it warm and cozy?
She's hot. You tossed that doss?
Are you insane?
Dude, start by saying thank you.
Get out!
Without details, not a chance.
Cut it out. You'll wake her!
She's a good doss.
Get out!
A peck on the cheek?
- Dude!
- A quick kiss.
1950s Clark Gable brush of the lips.
Please, go.
Get lost!
Promise to tell all.
Or no more of my fans.
Screw them yourself.
I can't screw them.
I love Sabrina, you know.
Not so loud.
But I like to toss a good doss
and hear all about it.
Go!
She didn't mention the...
Fuck!
- It's a little Juden wiener.
- Shut up.
It belongs to a Juden, this wiener.
No way.
Hold on.
What's he doing here?
Just checking the mattress. Perfect.
You played me!
Absolutely not.
It wasn't me.
You're great big slimeballs.
You're scum
and I was so nice to you.
Don't leave.
Forget all that.
Room service. Continental breakfast?
I hate your show now.
Say Heil to your dad from me.
You jerkwad.
Dude...
Good doss.
Here...
Eat.
Help you forget the skank.
Don't like life?
Love the Breakfast Show.
And now a concert by Jean-Claude,
playing the musical glasses.
Over to you.
Here, it's ready.
No, he's the joke.
It's animal blood?
Yes.
With bubbles, though.
You thought that was funny?
Did you laugh?
When it's funny, it's funny, period.
Here we have Pinouille.
That one's Poustignale.
And I threw in some Farigoule.
Farigoll, right.
Farigoule!
I love it.
No, I'm kidding you.
It's goat's cheese and cheddar.
You Parisians are such suckers.
Incredible! It works every time.
The idiots!
Here.
That's a cherry.
Please, sir.
How do I become a radio presenter?
I don't know. There's...
There are local stations, the
internet.
When I...
Sorry.
I started out
recording myself on tape.
I film myself with my webcam.
But I don't like seeing myself.
What do you do on it?
I put on voices like this.
Not bad. What else?
Mathieu, don't pester him.
He's not pestering me.
Mathieu, right?
Send me some stuff.
I'll tell you what I think.
Don't bother getting his hopes up.
He's got enough crap into his head.
Dad!
We're going home, I said.
What crap's he got into his head?
Not wanting the same shitty life as
you?
What's your problem?
Butt out. We're fine, thank you.
Yeah, just dandy.
Tell your son he has no right to
dream.
He's gotta be just like his daddy,
an asshole.
Stop it!
I'll smash your face in.
Stop, Arnold.
Yeah, that's right.
Look at him.
He's so happy to be blind.
No projects, no dreams.
A waste of space!
Asshole!
All of you are a waste of space!
Living in shit with a dopey smile.
We're all a waste of space, dammit!
I quit this dumbass show.
It's over!
My fellow bus passengers,
we have for you a song
exclusively
consisting of local dishes.
Dishes from Provence,
the Alps and Riviera, of course,
which is the favorite region
of our good-natured friend here,
our friend Arnold, aka Arnie.
For the perfect picnic,
you need some Pinouille.
A little Pinouille
Some Farigoule
For you, Cyril.
Some Estampanievre and Cagnoule
A touch of Gougnale
That's good.
Use the gougnale sparingly.
It's very strong.
Some Saucinette
Sounds like sausage but it ain't.
And a pinch of Cougne
Some good old cougne.
Don't forget the children
Exactly.
To have a great picnic in the region,
we have all the food,
but without the family,
the picnic's doomed.
How about this...
A little Pinouille, some Farigoule
Some Estampanievre
and Cagnoule
A touch of Gougnale
Some Saucinette
A pinch of Cougne
And some mayonnaise
No, Smithers.
No, that doesn't work.
I like mayonnaise.
Who cares if you like it!
These dishes don't exist.
Do you get the idea?
And some Bidoune
- Bidoune's good.
- Bidoune works.
Okay, from the top.
And our Granny...
That's right. Our Granny.
If she isn't there, the picnic's
doomed
because she must be dead.
No, she's alive and in great shape.
For the perfect picnic
You need some Jugnole
A tart of Mougnarde
And some Bidoune...
Look, it's obvious.
She pees sta...
Standing up.
Sure, but nothing comes out.
Hey, Daniel(le).
Well, Daniel(le),
we were wondering,
for no real reason...
Are you hitched?
Or not?
15 years with my partner.
And what's the name...
of your beloved?
Dominique.
Very pretty.
It's an ambiguous name.
Yes.
Like Daniel(le).
Thanks, we have all we need.
See you back there.
You blank your dad's call?
He's a pain.
Why?
He's always there, stifling me.
I'm unhappy.
Daddy loves me too much. Stifles me.
I'm gonna go home.
It's pointless staying.
You don't read my stuff, good or bad.
Where are you going?
Don't you want to go on air?
What?
You did stand-up?
This is the same but easier.
What's up? Scared?
No. What do I say?
Whatever.
As long as it's funny.
Jeremie!
You drank how many Riders today?
Maybe fifteen.
Way too many!
I don't have time.
I'm on air tomorrow.
Justine, this is Ben.
He's my straight twin.
It makes her laugh.
Come on in.
This is Blast!
I read it, it's great.
Turn the sound up
And shut up
Hi, Limoges.
It's the show
that gets your head out of your ass.
This morning, I want to introduce
a young writer,
who's our latest contributor.
Give it up for Mr. Ben, aka Ben Hur!
Okay, Mr. Ben, we're listening.
Hello, Limoges.
Slight technical problem.
Smithers, it'd be nice
if folks could hear us.
I read it?
I know what you're thinking.
You people in the square here,
you're thinking, Who are they?
What are they doing here? Simple.
We work for a station that was No.1.
Blast FM.
We were No.1.
When you're No.1, anything goes.
You run into the boss and you say,
"Dude, I screwed your wife.
"Put her on a diet."
When you're No.1, your boss
calls up his wife and says,
"I spoke to Alex, I'm not happy.
"Get on a diet."
Same goes for the listeners.
You put them on hold forever.
One time, a teen called in.
By the time he got on air,
he had 2 kids.
We'd become mean motherfuckers.
But we were No.1.
We were bigheaded bastards.
Totally disconnected.
Like Adolf Eichmann arriving in court,
turning to his counsel and saying,
"Funny, they don't like me here.
"Why do they look so mad?"
Except that being a dick
catches up with you
and you become No.2.
And that's why we're here.
It's our punishment.
You guys who live here
must've really messed up.
Seriously, try to understand.
None of us said,
"Fuck LA,
let's do the Cheese Trail this
summer."
We're doing the Cheese Trail.
But in the end,
thinking about it...
It means we get to see you.
Straight up.
For years, we talked to folks
we thought we'd never see.
You were just statistics.
The 15-25s, 16P+,
homekeepers under 50...
For the first time, we see you.
What I mean is,
let's get to know each other.
We're the Breakfast Club.
Nice to meet you.
Good job!
Well done, guys.
Good work.
First times are tough.
Live on national radio,
that's big pressure.
Anyway,
your text was on fire.
They were killing themselves.
Sure, they were. It was funny.
You're funny and I'm not. Great.
Pissed off, you're a jerk.
I'm just being honest.
You went on stage in NYC.
New York!
That pees on radio.
Don't you get it?
It's bullshit. I never went on stage.
I stood there like a dick
but I never went on.
I always lied.
I didn't know.
I bottle out, dammit,
and you've just got it.
Here's what we do.
I write and you do it live.
Arnold'll give us so much shit.
Cut it out.
First time we got applauded.
Arnold won't say a thing.
Do nothing, nothing's doing.
Don't you wanna make people laugh?
Sure.
You have no problem with that?
If you make 'em laugh, no.
It's cool.
Alex!
Your sister Jennifer keeps calling.
Thanks.
Don't die.
I'd have nothing to say.
Or we have croque-monsieur
or croque-madame.
Daniel(le), what'll it be?
I'm not sure.
I'll take a mixed salad.
Smart choice.
For tomorrow,
I sketched out a few ideas...
Excuse me.
10 years I've known you
and we only meet sis now.
She lives 500 km from Paris.
I never see her either.
You don't want Cyril
getting it on with her.
- Depends if she's hot.
- Sure.
Guys,
she's my sister.
Show some respect, please.
She's hot.
Can we focus on tomorrow?
It won't take long.
Hold on a second.
Your sister's coming on the tour?
How long do you need?
Good question, Arnold. I've no idea.
It depends on the vibes I'm feeling.
No feeling, guys. She's my sister.
She's 22, fragile,
doesn't know life,
just lost herjob...
Don't even think about it.
Respect.
Right, back off
and let's focus on tomorrow.
I bet you 1,000 euros
you can't nail her in 2 days.
No way. Money is not a goal for me.
1,000 euros.
Well, maybe I could be tempted, sure.
Shut up, he's shitting you.
Calm down.
She's not a whore.
You said you hadn't seen her.
Maybe she's changed.
Shut the fuck up!
Don't take it like that.
Mind that wasp.
Can we work now?
Hey.
Hey, sweets.
- Okay?
- Fine.
Guys, this is Jennifer, my sister.
Hi, I'm Cyril.
Welcome aboard.
I'd just like to say, with us,
in 2 days,
you'll forget you got fired.
You told them?
- No, I was...
- I need a shower.
Here. We're working here.
When you're ready.
Alex,
my dick's numb.
No fucking tonight.
- Sorry.
- Very smooth.
No, it's a running joke
with your brother.
I can't find my charger,
maybe I could borrow yours?
When I'm done, I'll bring it over.
I just need a quick burst.
7%. At 10, I'm gone.
Alex said you took photos.
I still do.
Can I see?
No, they won't interest you.
I am interested.
Let's see.
Who are these people?
All my exes.
Just kidding.
They're people who don't like me.
It's weird,
I like taking photos of haters.
They didn't want to give me anything
but in the end, they do.
I'm a loony.
No, you're cool.
I mean, it's cool.
10%. I'll be going.
Stay till 20% if you want.
Or even 30%.
You can even stay till 100%.
What?
30%.
It's a bit tricky, in terms of Alex.
I know,
but it's not what you think.
It's not about the money, you know.
But 1,000 euros!
She's cute,
but she seems a bit mixed-up.
- Fragile.
- Yeah, forget it.
- If I got a vibe, I'd go for it.
- There was no vibe.
Guys! Arnold got the ratings.
We're up 1.5 points.
What?
1.5 points.
Seriously?
Straight up.
No kidding?
There you go.
That's awesome!
Awesome!
What's 1.5 points mean?
It means 800,000 listeners, dummy.
Guys, cool.
We've proved nothing yet. Come on.
Calm down.
We've proved nothing yet.
1.5 points!
Consumer's Choice
This is the Breakfast Show.
You gotta know,
we have people on the phones.
Hello.
Your show's just great,
but it's down to the writer.
You sense a real comic talent.
Sharp, witty, nails it every time.
Say, I have a doubt.
Doesn't that sound
like Ben's dad's voice?
I think it's him, yes.
Not at all.
- Hey, dad.
- Hi, son.
Okay, guys?
Hello, Mr. Jablonsky.
Hi, audience. How are you today?
Why are you stopping?
It's beautiful, you shitheads.
This is so beautiful!
It tears my eyes out.
Scenery like that
makes me feel like a tiny little shit.
It works without the scenery.
Yeah, but here even more so.
You really jerk my chain.
Seriously.
We're fooling.
Sorry, Cyril, it was just a joke.
I had an announcement to make.
What's up?
- Forget it.
- I was kidding.
You know what?
You're such assholes.
I get serious for once
and what do you come back with?
Jokes!
You're the joke!
A bunch of clowns.
We can't talk normally for once?
You've always got to pick on something
to get a laugh.
And if it hurts a pal,
who cares?
C'mon, Cyril...
As long as everybody laughs.
It's true.
Did you laugh?
You didn't? It wasn't funny?
If it's funny,
it's funny, period.
But what your pal's feeling,
who cares?
Daddy-o, what's rattled your cage?
Shut up! You all piss me off!
I'm tired!
Listen up, and if you can't,
how about a little joke?
Ready, guys?
Those are the bus keys.
I'm the King of Comedy.
Fuck!
Shit!
Weren't those the bus keys?
It was a joke.
So it wasn't great.
Chill.
Excuse me.
You got a spare key?
Thanks for everything.
Sorry about that idiot.
I get the picture. You're not happy.
Better not be forever.
I messed up.
Let's say.
But if you think about it,
how could I know
we had the only driver without 2 keys?
I'm sorry, that is so unprofessional.
We're up 1 million listeners,
this far from making it!
But no!
Smartypants commits collective
suicide.
Dump the keys, walk across France.
You realize there's no show tomorrow
because of your stupidity?
He's not wrong, dude.
You're older than us
and more irresponsible.
You never get any better.
You realize you never get any better?
You're ultra-immature.
Funny you should say so,
I get no sense of that.
Precisely.
How old are you?
How old do you think?
Shit!
Sorry, it slipped out of my hands.
Isn't that crazy?
You must have spare set.
You're a pro.
Who's immature?
I'm gonna kill you!
There's a car!
You drive me nuts!
Leo...
Deep breaths.
The rapper, Leo.
Help him, guys.
Leo the rapper?
Fuck it, it's...
We don't understand.
See? You've pissed him off.
Leonardo da Vitry? You're nuts.
Jeremie recognized the car.
Even if it's him, he's a shit.
We need a guest for tomorrow.
So what? We'll...
Just ask Ben
to write you a sketch.
What's going on?
He's bigger than ever.
Get the hell off my steps!
Hi.
I'm a great fan.
Who invited you?
Hi. Actually...
We present the Breakfast Club.
On Blast FM.
You came on a few years ago.
You remember.
No hellos, no goodbyes, all that.
Know what? See that?
Suck it good, dickwad.
What a jerk!
Henri from the laundry sent us.
How do you know Henri?
He's a friend of my dad's.
How do you know Henri?
No sweat.
- Let's go.
- Just a second.
Excuse me.
You're a rap fan?
Yeah, I listen to some. I like it.
Like what?
You know Taboo
from Black Eyed Peach?
I just accepted him
as a friend on facebook.
Thanks, Cyril.
We need a guest for tomorrow's show.
If you can help, it's cool.
We all love what you do.
What time?
In the morning, actually.
We air in the morning.
The good thing is...
A lot of people tune in
in the morning.
The morning?
Mornings suck.
Let's do it at night.
You don't get it.
It's the morning show.
Like the evening news.
It's the evening news,
not afternoon news.
- We'll see, guys.
- What?
We'll see what?
No way!
You said, no work on vacation.
Screw the show!
Keep frying your ass and shut your
hole!
You shut your hole.
Flossing for your crew,
with your micro-dick stinking of shit!
Because it's been up your ass!
What did you say?
Say that again, faggot!
Quit busting my balls!
Say it! I'll fuck you up!
I dare you to repeat it!
Pain in the ass!
Come down here, I'll fuck you up!
Fuck you,
I'll pussywhip your manhole!
Right here, right now.
I like her. She's solar.
She has great energy.
I'm so gonna fuck you up!
Let's blow
before the shit hits the fan.
We'll be going. Thank you, ma'am.
No problem, fuck you!
- Thanks.
- The rap cliche.
Get outta here!
Come on, we're gone.
You faggots,
go suck each other off in the cellar.
You too, nigglet.
Run along, you black piece of shit.
Monday to Tuesday, we rape ya
Wednesday to Thursday, we rape ya
Friday with my homies, we rape ya
Saturday with the family, we rape ya
No condom, no mercy
if you're with NYPD
We rape ya
Leonardo da Vitry
fucks you without pity
Wet your panties
I'm gonna gape your booty
Get me, pretty
Dump your corpse in the city
Get ready, you hoes
Leonardo da Vitry
Weekly pussyhound
Well?
You keep pretty busy during the week.
For me, it's huge.
You're nuts. It stinks.
A pile of shit.
That we can agree on.
I wanted to play unplugged.
My wife refused.
She says rappers don't play guitar.
A real shame.
She talks nasty.
She talks bad to me.
No kidding.
She's very...
Here.
I'm sick of it.
Cooped up here every summer.
Maybe she'll let me out for a ride.
To go to the market.
Fuck it!
He's suffering.
She makes me a freak show.
I stink of defeat.
But she's right.
- She's right!
- How come? I don't get it.
She knows I'm crazy.
I might lose it anytime.
- No?
- Sure.
It's harmless craziness. Artistic.
It's the emotion.
Here we go, losing it.
How long did it take?
30 seconds, tops.
Blunt?
He's starting up.
I'm bad.
Where's he going?
Sorry for bothering you
while you're driving.
Very well, too, I might add.
I was wondering, do you have any idea
of our point of reentry?
Come again?
Where are we going, if you prefer?
The journey, Cyril.
Embrace the journey.
The only one for miles.
Check out how it shines in the night!
What the heck?
Onions!
You gotta tell him
it's off limits here.
They'll shred my ass.
You tell him.
Sir...
Salad!
He's busy.
The ice cream's hot.
Hey, Harry and Sally, what's up?
We're eating ice cream not making out.
Get off my back.
You wanna make out?
You're as dumb as him.
Good one, Ben.
I thought
you were bigtime cocksuckers,
but it turns out you're cool.
You see...
Leo...
I'm touched.
When's your show again?
It's fucked.
We're on air in two hours.
Why not do it here?
My ass is shredded forever.
Up, up, up!
This is a big day.
For the first time,
we're live at McDonald's in Mornas.
Get in your cars,
on your bikes, scooters or whatever,
and get down here
for breakfast with us...
While you relish your breakfast,
I'm going to introduce
our surprise guest.
You're so gonna freak.
Give it up for...
Leonardo Da Vitry!
It's all yours.
Where, where, where I'm going
Where I'm going
I don't know where I'm going
lf, if, if I knew
If only
I knew where I'm going
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I can't make the play
Yes, no
Up and down
Am I a fake
Or what I want to be?
Far or near
Or on the horizon
In the end
I don't know where I'm from
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I can't make the play
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I continue to stray
Thanks, Leonardo. Wonderful.
Rap the way it should be.
- He's my favorite.
- Yes.
Check out the receptionist. Creamy.
She's a decoy doss.
Yeah? I get it.
Sir only eats gourmet doss now.
No, but she's a decoy doss.
I'm picky about what I eat.
Decoy doss, decoy doss...
She is.
That's gourmet!
Can I help you?
Sorry to bother you.
I'm facing an annoying situation.
Not that I'm annoyed.
Just a second.
I'm keeping my cool.
I got the disabled room again.
It's no problem,
a shower ramp, raised toilet.
Just a second!
You see,
I'm sick of shitting
with my feet off the ground.
If I could switch rooms,
I'd appreciate it.
What?
I'm sorry.
It's cool, everything's fine.
Well...
I got an email from Frederico.
He's good, he's fine.
Great.
He wants Alex
to replace you for the concert.
Pardon me?
He can go fuck himself!
Ten years I've hosted it.
Nothing changes.
What do you mean?
Alex knows?
No.
So keep your mouth shut.
I host it, period.
Alex can do it. He's good.
I know Alex is good.
- There's no email.
- There is.
- You never received it.
- I did.
- Are we agreed?
- Sure.
- Did you receive it?
- No email.
Very good.
Just after the break,
Homer, Bart and Liza,
Mr. Burns and Smithers
in another episode of
The Simpsons.
Smithers?
He said Smithers.
That's my name.
Yeah, Smithers in The Simpsons.
You never saw The Simpsons?
No, never.
Arnold gave me my name ages ago.
I have the same name
as a star of The Simpsons?
Fucking classy!
What's Smithers like?
Is he cool?
Punctual?
Professional?
What kind of guy is he?
I guess you'd say
Smithers is the ultimate asslicker.
Meaning?
The guy's a brownnose,
who loves being humiliated by his
boss.
The guy's a streak of shit.
A real streak of shit.
I get it!
Maybe
it's not him.
Arnold must know another Smithers.
Obviously.
When you finish a sentence,
you spout shit.
- Flip channels?
- Leave it.
It's fine.
It's me. Open up.
What the hell are you doing?
You with a doss?
No, I'm wiped out.
You smell fucky.
- Who is it?
- Nobody.
- I need a mental picture.
- No, no picture.
The receptionist?
Yeah, the receptionist.
You're good. I knew it.
Very good.
See you tomorrow.
What's going on?
- She's naked?
- No, she's not.
Is she jilling off?
Maybe later.
Shave her pussy. Creamy.
No, I won't shave her pussy.
Make a phone-vid and send me it.
We'll see.
By email if it's too big.
The wifi works great.
Okay, wifi.
Hey, dude.
I'm proud of you.
See?
You're happy, I'm happy.
I am happy.
I am really happy.
Fuck her, bone her dry.
Sure.
But classy.
Like a Brit.
Mustache, Oxford...
Walking stick, see?
Monocle.
A champion.
Think champion.
Shit!
Remember tonight's concert
to close our summer tour,
hosted by yours truly.
Come on down, everybody,
to join us at the Dome in Marseille.
The home of hip-hop.
For the concert...
Jeez, guys!
Listeners, we have Smithers breezing
in,
throwing smokes at me.
- A problem, Smithers?
- I'm not Smithers.
You know, it may be
that today's scratching day.
He's scratching, guys.
- Unless it's bad news.
- A death?
- Perhaps.
- Hagrid's dead?
He's been turned down for Hogwarts.
That can hit a guy hard.
Can't hear you.
3 wotsits.
3 wotsits, guys.
I've won! I got 3 wotsits.
30,000 fucking euros!
30,000 euros scratching!
Madness.
It's hardly Dubai. Settle down.
It's still cool.
I'm rich!
You know what?
Screw you!
Go fuck yourself!
Now you can buy your own cigarettes.
And stick your ristretto up your hole.
Chill, kid.
It's an old sketch he wrote.
I won't cover for you.
Listen up, everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Frederico wants Alex
to host the concert
but Arnold asked me to lie.
You heard me.
He asked me to lie.
Frederico wants Alex
to host the concert at the Dome.
Swivel on that, my friend!
We'll settle this off air, okay.
My name's Fabrice!
No more Smithers!
- Calm down.
- You pipe down, too.
You crappy has-been!
Don't you see people laughing at you,
with your Barbie hair
and ballet shoes?
Wake up, shithead.
Repettos.
Okay?
Repettos!
Shoes of legend of the 1970s
worn by artists
who had something to say.
Screw your fashion tips!
Got that, loser?
Show some respect.
I'm a grandfather.
What?
Come again?
Actually,
my daughter gave birth last week.
He's a grandfather.
Who gives a shit?
It's my big moment.
Listen to me now.
It's my fucking moment!
I'm rich and I screw you!
Let's see.
Screw you, too! 30,000 times!
Failed comic, call my office.
You little faggot.
I resign, dammit!
30,000 euros.
- Chill.
- Fuck you!
Get off of me, Barbie!
3 wotsits! 30 grand!
I'm going on vacation.
30 grand, screw you!
- Screw you!
- Okay, you screwed us all.
You're a sore loser. Ugly man.
It feels so good!
Look. 1, 2, 3.
You need 1, 2, 3, 4.
Bullshit!
Look! Be nice.
1, 2, 3, 4.
You only have 1, 2, 3.
See?
Do you see?
Maybe I overreacted.
What a jerk.
Joke's on me.
Fine performance, Smithers.
We'll be right back
after Metronomy on Blast FM.
What have you done?
What's going on?
He's gonna faint.
Call someone.
Call emergency services.
It's my fault.
What's wrong with him?
Did we even make him sign a contract?
We're in shit, guys. In deep shit.
A sonofabitch thing to say.
Calm down, we're in a hospital.
In a hospital with a sonofabitch.
What do you know?
Contracts, taxes,
whaddya know?
Keep your mouth shut.
Cut it out!
Gentlemen, please.
Stop that.
He'll pull through.
It was a minor stroke.
At his age?
We ran tests.
I thought it was bovine blood.
He was full of bull hormones.
He's got to stop drinking that.
His polydipsia could be fatal.
- Polydipsia?
- When you can't stop drinking.
Polydipsia.
Gentlemen.
Thanks, doc.
Polydipsia.
How you doing, guys?
Isn't Marseille wonderful?
Aren't they handsome?
I guess this is little sis.
Nice to meet you.
Don't worry about Jeremie,
I spoke to his folks.
He'll be in Paris tomorrow.
Can I borrow him?
Good news.
You did a great job.
We should be back on top.
I'm very pleased.
I am really pleased.
What you do is...
Look, I'll be clear.
If you want the Breakfast Show,
it's yours.
Just do a good job tonight.
What about the others?
We only air 24 hours a day.
In this business,
you always take someone's job.
I can't renew all contracts.
Tonight, grab your chance.
Well?
What did he say?
You gonna do it?
Right?
15 days of comic stardom
and you replace
15 years of experience.
15 years' graft
to earn the right to wake 'em up.
I wake them up.
My voice is the first one they hear.
Before their wife, husband or boss.
Take a good look.
I'm single.
I smoke 3 packs a day,
I ruin my health.
The show's all I have.
You get that?
The difference is I'd never stiff you.
You're so scared of being stiffed
you stiff your pals.
I don't care about the concert,
but I'll do it.
Good.
You're right.
Are my texts ready?
You with me? Are they ready?
You're on.
Good evening, Marseille!
How's it going in the Dome?
Thanks for coming
to this one-off concert
organized
by Blast FM's Breakfast Club.
Thanks for tuning in
and listening week in, week out.
And I mean thank you.
Everything's cool
now the sound's working,
but I'm alone here on stage.
In the Breakfast studio, I'm not.
We're missing someone, at least.
At least one.
His name's Cyril!
Give it up for him
because here he is!
Cyril in Marseille!
Cyril, come on out.
Let's hear it for Cyril!
Hell yeah!
Hello, Massilia,
Phocean city of the Sun King.
Above all, hello to you, girls.
You can stay, guys.
Thank you, Cyril!
Hold on.
There can't be just two of us here.
Louder.
Who's missing?
Louder!
Here's...
Arnold!
Is Le Panier in the house tonight?
Is Belsunce in the house tonight?
Is Marseille in the house tonight?
And let's hear it
for our boss, Frederico!
Don't worry.
We can't say he's the boss.
If you think about it,
the boss is the audience.
The boss could be you.
Come on.
The boss...
What if the boss was a lady?
Absolutely right.
Why shouldn't she be the boss?
- Here's the boss.
- Very pretty.
Why shouldn't the boss be
that guy there?
But if you think
long and hard about it,
the boss is you, you, you...
All bosses.
Come on up, bosses!
How did it end?
They couldn't fire us.
We were No.1.
Alex and I went away to write.
May I ask your director
the last question?
How did Alex react when he found out
about you and his sister?
What?
You and my sister?
You're dating my sister?
Hold on, Marie.
I find out live on national radio
that you're dating my sister?
What is this?
Marie, it's not your fault,
but what's going on?
I'm sorry.
- Let's hear it.
- Later maybe?
How long have you been together?
He's fooling.
Just kidding.
But I am meeting his mother soon.
And I can't wait.
What?
- Forget it.
- She's cute.
- Cut it out.
- Beautiful even.
Maybe so, but...
- If the vibe's good...
- No vibe, she's my mother.
- You never know.
- Stop!
Thanks, both of you,
and good luck with the show.
- Thanks.
- Thanks for having us.
Stroke the dog
before saying hi to your buddies.
Real classy. Honestly.
You killed tonight.
I am so pleased you could make it.
- So pleased.
- You're so funny.
- I appreciate it.
- 90 minutes of...
Hold on, guys. Stop.
Can we talk about that?
News flash, maybe.
They're Uggs.
The preferred shoe
of Australian surfers.
I treated myself in the sales.
Good job, see you soon.
I gotta run.
See you later, guys.
Stay, we got a doss lined up.
I'm parked in a loading bay.
- That old trick.
- Great excuse.
Yeah, it's a loading bay.
How many times I gotta say it?
You know what he's like.
- He could make an effort.
- He did. He came already.
That's a huge effort.
So what now?
Today we have a rising star with us
throughout the show.
He's young, he's funny
and if you haven't yet seen him live,
his show's run has been extended.
Evening, Alex.
Evening, Marie,
a pleasure to be here.
Your real voice is just as good.
Thanks, but yours is so much classier.
I grew up listening to you
and I'm stressing out here.
You always wanted to be a comedian?
No, before,
it never occurred to me.
Before what?
Before last summer.
Actually, it's complicated.
What happened last summer?
Worse than a shrink. Merciless.
Tell us all about it.
It may be a bit long.
We've all the time in the world.
First,
I'll let you cue in the next track.
You can still do it?
Sure.
No problem, why not?
Welcome to
Up Close and Personal with Marie.
Know what? Let's take a break
from your usual artists,
like Garth Brooks.
Today I get to choose.
And my choice is Oxford Comma
by Vampire Weekend!
What've they got
that ours don't?
It's good shit, baby!
Isn't it cool in the back?
No, it sucks.
What if a paparazzi wants a shot?
Paparazzi? I'm unknown.
For now.
It's going to happen, trust me.
Why didn't Lauren come?
Hold onto her, she's cute.
Looks just like Anne Frank.
It's wild.
Come on, it doesn't matter.
Got that?
You can break out here.
Screw the Yanks.
Handsome, young and Jewish,
you've got it all.
For comedy,
there's more than New York.
With internet,
America comes to you.
Anyway, I don't give a damn.
Ben.
I believe in you.
I know you're funny.
Gimme a break!
I'm talking to my son.
He's my son, dammit!
You're going out?
It's on me.
I was thinking...
Now you're back for good,
stop by Henri's.
Henri?
Yes, Henri.
From the laundry.
Yes, Henri from the laundry.
Don't be such a little snob.
He knows people.
Like who?
People...
Tim Allen.
He knows Tim Allen.
He cleans his suits every week.
That cover it?
Hey, Ben.
You okay?
Yeah, I just got back and...
Gimme some space.
Douchebag.
Hold on.
Back off, will you?
You're too kind.
Up your ass, bitch!
Steph?
You are. You're Stephane.
- Wrong, I'm not Stephane.
- You're not Stephane?
Sure, you're not. Yeah, right.
I'm not Stephane. Asshole!
Stephane's here!
Seriously, this is whack!
The guy's sorted his DVDs by genre.
Crazy genres.
Animals. Penguin Movies.
Panda Movies.
Nuts!
Either he's a genius or a total dork.
All 6 Beethovens.
He's a dork.
Beethoven is a good doss
but the rest are turkeys.
A doss?
A good doss. Good shit.
Doss replaces any word,
when you're too lazy to think of it.
Beethoven 6!
What did they do to the dog in No.6?
He becomes a Hollywood star
and a jealous trainer kidnaps him.
More or less.
You nailed the movie.
It's your house?
No, I had a St. Bernard, so I know.
Lucky boy.
I wanted a dog, my folks didn't
and now my chick doesn't.
She's a heeb.
Heebs don't dig dogs.
I'm Jewish and I had three.
Heeb chicks then.
- Alex.
- Nice to meet you.
Ben? Fuck!
- You good?
- And you?
How long's it been now?
Great, getting to know each other?
Come down after the show
and we'll talk it over.
What were you talking about?
Beethoven.
The Hollywood star.
Okay, off topic.
Ben's my stand-up pal from New York.
I told you about him.
And this is Alex,
my sweetheart.
That's me, the sweetheart.
He works with me,
presenting the Breakfast Club,
the hottest morning radio show.
They're in shit and need a writer.
That's why I told you to come.
So you want me to write for you?
It's up to you.
We're just some guys,
hangin' out, talkin' shit.
It's cool.
Yeah, sure. I mean...
Sure, with pleasure.
Stefano, Stephanus!
I'm not Stephane, fuck it!
I'm not Stephane.
Tell him fast.
See that?
Tim Allen.
- Nice shot.
- Very nice.
And that's what's his name.
TV star.
- Jerry Springer.
- That's right.
And that's...
the rapper.
Know him?
Not M.C. Solaar, the other one.
He knows all the rappers and singers.
I know him.
Tim will stop by for his suits...
He's not listening.
Ben, listen to Henri.
- You're listening?
- I'm listening.
Mr. Allen will stop by for his suits
this Friday.
You arrive, glance at me
and if I'm eating pistachios,
Tim's in a good mood.
Henri...
Shut up!
Shut your trap.
Then you'll have five minutes
to make him laugh, no more.
I'll push
the ironing boards back for you.
But if I'm not eating pistachios,
hold fire.
We'll try again next laundry day.
Master plan.
Thanks. I have work lined up.
What work?
I'm giving you your break.
- What're you doing?
- Thanks.
I gotta go.
- You're leaving?
- I gotta bounce.
Benjamin?
Watch movies and series!
What you call hell,
Arnold calls home.
Blast FM, No.1.
Blast FM,
back with the breakfast show.
Hell yeah!
What's going on?
We have an intruder.
Pull up a chair.
Come on in.
We can't hear gestures.
Sit him down and open up a mic.
What's your name?
They told me to drop by.
Told-me-to-drop-by.
Dumbass name.
Anything easier to remember?
We have 6 million listeners,
introduce yourself.
My name's Ben.
- Benjamin.
- Speak up.
Benjamin what?
Benjamin Jablonsky.
Okay, typically Moroccan.
You're Jablonsky?
That's what he just said, Alex.
You were a comic in NYC?
And now you wanna write for us.
No kidding.
I just got back from New York,
doing stand-up.
Guys, listen up.
Ben leaves the States
to break out in Paris.
Benjamin,
you usually go back to front?
A new date, you fuck her first,
buy her dinner later?
Benjamin goes to see Avatar.
On the way out,
he puts the glasses on.
Joke too long, Cyril.
Basically,
Ben kills himself,
then listens to Lady Gaga.
Smithers alert.
Smithers is agitated.
Coordinator Smithers has a joke for
us.
Ben, you rape a child,
then you give him candy.
Off limits.
- Most people do the opposite.
- Most people don't rape kids.
Back on charge, Smithers.
Forgive me if I don't laugh.
Hold on, guys.
One single reason
why we should hire you?
To be cool.
Don't you have 6 million listeners?
Not bad.
See you tomorrow.
6-9 with Arnold
and the Breakfast Club crew.
Remember, if your life's shitty,
you shoulda worked harder at school.
The Breakfast Show,
in front of the others
and behind your wife.
Smithers,
draw up his contract.
We pick him up just like that.
Yes.
Sorry, Arnold, but...
Might we know why?
Because I can.
Jeremie,
the CDs are for listeners,
not your homies.
Are you acc...
Not accusing you, I see you.
I wasn't gonna say that.
You totally played me.
You got me to hire your ex.
So what?
Benjamin Jablonsky took your cherry.
He was my 1st boyfriend.
- You start with tongue not cock.
- What?
What's your plan? I'll kill him.
There's no plan, Alex.
The guy's funny.
His dad told me he sells out.
You guys have been slipping.
Don't be such an idiot.
You'll get on.
What's the problem?
Sure, we can discuss your ass.
Like, how's it matured, Ben?
I don't know, check it out.
Can it!
Last night, you DVD-bonded.
Last night,
he hadn't fucked you!
What the fuck was that this morning?
Quit yelling, will you!
No new writers! We have no money.
Fine, this is Ben.
Frederico, our program director.
You'll see, he's an exceptional boss.
The answer's no.
No?
In NYC, they'd kill for him.
But you say no.
Lucky I went over your head
and they said yes.
Redial, if you don't believe me.
How much will he cost us?
Good question.
How much are you worth?
Ristretto, sugar +4, no swizzle.
43 seconds.
It's boxing!
I don't get all this violence.
Boxing is violent, Cyril.
Destroy the guy!
Take a seat.
Is this the audience ratings party?
No party. We're No.1
and we do what we want.
How'd you get in?
See the dork?
An ass but he loves us.
He's a fan.
Cyril, you loser.
Get off the phone!
Joystick!
Sorry, I got a text.
Go ahead, go for it.
Let's see some action.
Ready to rumble?
Hey, it's me.
What is it?
What is this shit?
What a combination!
You call that good news?
No, I don't.
Your joystick's bust?
I'll call you back.
There you go!
Screwed him.
Sore loser!
You got a problem?
What's wrong?
Wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Open up!
Hit pause.
What's going on?
This is private property.
The cops!
I'm gonna kick ass.
It's only a joint, it's cool.
Only a joint?
We shouldn't be here?
No, we shouldn't trespass
in a movie theater to smoke weed.
Let's roll!
We'll fuck them up!
Hold on.
I'll go. If they arrest me,
you can do the show.
You're all going to jail.
Hey, newbie!
We're the vag badges.
Come on.
Hey, girls.
You okay?
Police!
Goodnight, guys!
In 3 hours, we're on air.
I don't wanna be cr...
Crunked, okay.
We burn it up together
and head on over.
Goodnight.
Okay, bounce.
Forget it, he'll never wake up.
Very true.
Shit, who's on air?
This is Ghetto Jeremie,
the show that rips you a new one.
Ain't no pussyass...
French rappers here.
Only the real deal.
Notorious B.I.G,
2pac,
Big L...
Niggaz that checked out too soon.
I say to them...
Rest in peace, niggaz.
Missed you for the ratings.
The numbers came in.
How do you see it?
Pretty...
Good.
Yeah, nice.
Very nice. Congratulations.
Thanks.
We've been slipping
and now we're No.2.
No longer France's most popular
station.
You fuck-ups
are putting the station in danger.
Happy?
Look, we'll get it back.
I promise you.
That's for sure.
Cancel your summer vacations,
you're going on tour.
On tour?
To every town in France
where you screwed my audience.
Yes, well, I don't think so.
Sorry, Frederico.
I just dropped five grand as a deposit
on a house in Porto-Vecchio.
A great house.
Cyril!
We're not going on tour?
Meeting people?
Yup, meeting people.
How about we blow each listener?
Watch the ratings soar!
Shut the hell up.
Be a smartass No.1, sure,
but we're No.2.
For the first time in 10 years.
The tour starts tomorrow
and it's low-cost.
We'll see you in Marseille
at the concert you host every year.
To assess the situation.
Either we're No.1...
or you...
I don't know.
You go back
to whatever you did before.
Is that a guy or a girl?
He's physically challenged.
Looks like Francoise Hardy.
Or Jacques Dutronc.
Yeah.
Sorry, what's your name?
Daniel(le).
Shit.
Wild! Daniel(le)!
Like it.
I mean, phonetically,
it's swinging.
Daniel(le)'s a great name.
And it's unisex.
Yeah, it goes both ways.
Sure.
Not under the bus.
Amazing. I was just thinking that.
What are you doing here?
Smithers told me that...
Learn to finish your sentences.
It's a pain in the ass.
Get in.
Your brain is 80 years old.
We don't speak, we don't talk.
About what?
Dude,
I know about Sabrina and you.
I know everything.
Dude, we dated in 9th grade.
She said. Don't bullshit me.
You're in cahoots.
I'm over Sabrina.
You got a chick?
- You really wanna know?
- Yeah, I do.
I just got dumped.
That's my break-up gift.
So screw you, her and your paranoia.
Can I look?
How'd she write on M&Ms?
You order them online.
Shit, that's mean.
But it's pretty cool.
- Can I eat it?
- No.
Smithers, this is Chaumont?
Relax, this is Chateauvillain
and the hotel's real cozy.
I'll know where to come
to hang myself.
Shit, look at that.
Why me, dammit?
Guys?
Guys! Fuck it!
- Cool, you got swords.
- Shut up. Look!
What?
That!
What's that?
- What is that?
- What's up?
What's that?
- What's up, guys?
- It's a thing.
What's the doss?
- What's up?
- We don't know.
It's a pair of socks rolled up.
A pair of socks?
You put them on!
What a fine bunch of pussies!
Don't!
Rolled-up socks.
Sweet.
Try to find me a Diet Coke, please.
I asked earlier.
They only have regular.
In Paris, Diet's regular.
It's called the Paris Inn.
I caught him.
Is he out of his mind?
Dipshit!
It's only a little toad.
It's only a toad.
I only drank 17 Buds today.
I only assfucked my son
at harvest festival.
Dipshit!
Calm down, dude.
Get over your fears.
Bullshit.
I'm not scared of...
It's that idiot
with his half-assed jokes.
And his ballet shoes.
Once again,
you're freaking over nothing.
Know what soothes at times like this?
Only...
music.
Not so long ago,
I met a Tunisian collective.
Last time I went for a massage
but who cares...
Instead of laughing,
find us a guest for tomorrow.
All right.
Smithers!
Please do.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Look, we're on a journey.
Every time,
you find something nice to say,
even when we're in complete
shitsville!
Music, Arnold.
Mr. Final Word.
Has to end the conversation.
I'll leave you the final word.
There you go. It's crazy.
You'll see, he's not done.
I left it to you.
He never shuts up.
20 years, and he never shuts up.
Arnold, sound good for you?
One-two. One-two-three.
Perfect.
Can you make my voice clearer, please?
- Make it younger?
- No.
Screw you! Is that clearer?
Alex? Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Hello!
This is not a re-run.
I repeat, no re-runs.
Do you think
we'd abandon you, cut you loose,
for the whole vacation?
We're not guys like that.
Definitely not.
To prove it,
the Breakfast Show will be on tour
throughout the whole of France
throughout the summer,
in every town and city.
All thanks to our sponsor, Dead
Riders,
the killer drink!
Great!
Today we're in Chaumont,
welcomed by the mayor himself.
That's right.
Today Chaumont, tomorrow...
Thanks, Alex. Wide awake.
The Breakfast Show,
touring France all summer,
coming to your town
for those with no vacation,
the forgotten masses,
the holidayless,
the students and workers.
Don't worry, France. You're not alone.
Hell yeah!
The Breakfast Show on tour
all summer!
So here we are outside the town hall
in Chaumont...
So you're a falconer.
All I can say is, what's that?
It means using raptors like Richie
here
to scare birds
that are harmful to the community.
Quite.
A quick example. The pigeon.
No kidding.
The pigeons where I live are hell.
For the benefit of our listeners,
we have Ben, the rookie of the team,
with an eagle on his arm, right?
A golden eagle.
How's it feel, Ben?
Scary!
Today, it's my honor
to introduce Jean-Bernard Reduque.
Go ahead, Jean-Bernard.
Hello and thank you, everybody.
Before anything else,
what is cappuccino?
Coffee with cocoa powder on top.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
What if you don't like coffee?
That's where I come in.
With the Chocuccino.
I have a question for him.
Isn't it a pain
to have your forehead sponsored?
For 20,000 a year, I don't think so.
Curly is peanuts, pistachios
and tutti frutti, right?
The whole shebang!
This isn't good.
He's not happy there.
He's ready to attack.
Let him peck you 5-6 times.
When he's bored, he'll fly off.
Not powdered milk, chocolate milk.
Milk with chocolate.
That's chocolate and milk,
mixed more.
Mixed more? I get it.
With ground coffee on top.
Have any very tall people at parties
grabbed hold of your head?
Maybe a guy thinking
you're a pistachio?
I don't think so.
My money's on the bird.
On the bird?
I bet on Ben then.
I'm gonna clean up.
He's in pain, guys. Do something.
He'll go for the eyes.
What don't you get?
The whole recipe.
Chocolate milk, you know?
Liquid.
With ground coffee on top.
I've no problem
adding Paprika or Onion,
or Vinegar.
The issue is space.
It's easy, dammit!
It's chocolate milk
with ground coffee!
Richie! Back!
It's simple!
Don't worry, it's okay.
There's no point anymore.
You take chocolate milk
and then you sprinkle coffee on top.
That's right.
So you have
a cappuccino in reverse.
I should explain to listeners,
Richie's asleep.
Find me a fella like that
in every town.
We'll be rocking then.
What if I do a regular piece,
a kind of travelogue
about the tour played for laughs?
On air?
Yeah.
Maybe. I don't know...
Maybe not.
After two days, you're on air.
In one week, you'll do the news.
In two weeks,
you'll host the Oscars.
Ben sends the ratings through the
roof.
Doofus!
Come on.
The Bains-Douches nightclub has moved!
You're not coming?
In a few minutes.
Next Sunday is lookalike night,
with special guest star, Richard,
Steven Seagal's official lookalike.
Arnold, I doubt the cigarette...
Bring it on.
581 CVJ 90.
That's the plate of the Dacia
blocking the entrance.
People can't get in the club.
Please move the vehicle.
He's a new dad!
I pity his son.
Who is also his nephew.
Put on some Jay-Z, please.
I haven't got him.
- Any Wu Tang?
- No. I already told you.
Snoop?
We only play hits. Blow!
Is that digital or analog?
You, get lost too!
You're missing Dr. Alban's latest hit.
What?
Nothing.
No, thanks.
I keep fixating
about your loser story yesterday.
The chick dumped you
with a bag of M&Ms?
She also said
the adventure was over for us.
Bitch!
It's not American Idol.
She's no bitch.
You don't know her, so shut up.
You cheated on her?
No.
5 years with me. She bounced.
I'd have done the same.
Are you nuts? Don't talk like that.
A real man doesn't.
It's over.
Nobody cares whose fault it was.
File her on the bitch pile.
Whatever.
I don't wanna talk about it.
That's a pity.
You're talking to a guy
who got his ass dumped before.
I swear it's true.
Sobbing and everything.
The thousand-mile beard.
Mariah Carey on the iPod, dude!
Then you know it's bad.
I'm just saying, it's no problem.
I know when you see me,
you think, no way.
Because I'm fit.
C'mon, let's burn it up.
Sorry, can't do it.
Force yourself.
Do nothing, nothing's doing.
Do what guys have done
since the dawn of time.
Toss some dosses.
We toss dosses?
Exactly. We toss dosses.
We screw chicks.
We do what we gotta do to get over it.
If you wanna get over it.
Come on...
Straight up, come on.
I wanna get my ass kicked tonight.
By those guys?
Maybe not.
I'm not so sure.
You know me.
I'm always up for a brawl.
Especially now. I'm in great shape.
There's only 8 of them.
No, it'd be too easy.
C'mon, relax.
Eye contact. Drink up.
What?
I'd like to be in the media, too.
Like you.
Like us. Exactly the same.
But my dad said everything
was run by the...
I'm Jewish, I've got money.
Stick with me, you'll make moola.
You're my cousin, you're family.
Let's go buy gold Rolexes.
Awesome!
You took me to the Garment District.
Spot on!
Movies, TV, banks, magazines...
- They own everything.
- Everything!
Nothing for the rest of us.
Gotta be a Jew to make it.
- Unless you're a fag.
- Or a fag!
Totally.
To big faggots! Drink up.
Just a second, potty visit.
Potty visit? That's cute, too.
I'm gone. She's a Nazi.
Don't care.
Toss that booty and avenge
6 million innocents with your dick.
Screw that! She's Hitler
with a beautician's diploma.
Gentlemen,
I think it's backed up
unless they're freeing Mandela.
She's scum. Screw her mean
and nasty. Bone her dry.
Here, babe!
You're snug as a bug in my little rug.
It's warm and cozy.
Isn't it warm and cozy?
She's hot. You tossed that doss?
Are you insane?
Dude, start by saying thank you.
Get out!
Without details, not a chance.
Cut it out. You'll wake her!
She's a good doss.
Get out!
A peck on the cheek?
- Dude!
- A quick kiss.
1950s Clark Gable brush of the lips.
Please, go.
Get lost!
Promise to tell all.
Or no more of my fans.
Screw them yourself.
I can't screw them.
I love Sabrina, you know.
Not so loud.
But I like to toss a good doss
and hear all about it.
Go!
She didn't mention the...
Fuck!
- It's a little Juden wiener.
- Shut up.
It belongs to a Juden, this wiener.
No way.
Hold on.
What's he doing here?
Just checking the mattress. Perfect.
You played me!
Absolutely not.
It wasn't me.
You're great big slimeballs.
You're scum
and I was so nice to you.
Don't leave.
Forget all that.
Room service. Continental breakfast?
I hate your show now.
Say Heil to your dad from me.
You jerkwad.
Dude...
Good doss.
Here...
Eat.
Help you forget the skank.
Don't like life?
Love the Breakfast Show.
And now a concert by Jean-Claude,
playing the musical glasses.
Over to you.
Here, it's ready.
No, he's the joke.
It's animal blood?
Yes.
With bubbles, though.
You thought that was funny?
Did you laugh?
When it's funny, it's funny, period.
Here we have Pinouille.
That one's Poustignale.
And I threw in some Farigoule.
Farigoll, right.
Farigoule!
I love it.
No, I'm kidding you.
It's goat's cheese and cheddar.
You Parisians are such suckers.
Incredible! It works every time.
The idiots!
Here.
That's a cherry.
Please, sir.
How do I become a radio presenter?
I don't know. There's...
There are local stations, the
internet.
When I...
Sorry.
I started out
recording myself on tape.
I film myself with my webcam.
But I don't like seeing myself.
What do you do on it?
I put on voices like this.
Not bad. What else?
Mathieu, don't pester him.
He's not pestering me.
Mathieu, right?
Send me some stuff.
I'll tell you what I think.
Don't bother getting his hopes up.
He's got enough crap into his head.
Dad!
We're going home, I said.
What crap's he got into his head?
Not wanting the same shitty life as
you?
What's your problem?
Butt out. We're fine, thank you.
Yeah, just dandy.
Tell your son he has no right to
dream.
He's gotta be just like his daddy,
an asshole.
Stop it!
I'll smash your face in.
Stop, Arnold.
Yeah, that's right.
Look at him.
He's so happy to be blind.
No projects, no dreams.
A waste of space!
Asshole!
All of you are a waste of space!
Living in shit with a dopey smile.
We're all a waste of space, dammit!
I quit this dumbass show.
It's over!
My fellow bus passengers,
we have for you a song
exclusively
consisting of local dishes.
Dishes from Provence,
the Alps and Riviera, of course,
which is the favorite region
of our good-natured friend here,
our friend Arnold, aka Arnie.
For the perfect picnic,
you need some Pinouille.
A little Pinouille
Some Farigoule
For you, Cyril.
Some Estampanievre and Cagnoule
A touch of Gougnale
That's good.
Use the gougnale sparingly.
It's very strong.
Some Saucinette
Sounds like sausage but it ain't.
And a pinch of Cougne
Some good old cougne.
Don't forget the children
Exactly.
To have a great picnic in the region,
we have all the food,
but without the family,
the picnic's doomed.
How about this...
A little Pinouille, some Farigoule
Some Estampanievre
and Cagnoule
A touch of Gougnale
Some Saucinette
A pinch of Cougne
And some mayonnaise
No, Smithers.
No, that doesn't work.
I like mayonnaise.
Who cares if you like it!
These dishes don't exist.
Do you get the idea?
And some Bidoune
- Bidoune's good.
- Bidoune works.
Okay, from the top.
And our Granny...
That's right. Our Granny.
If she isn't there, the picnic's
doomed
because she must be dead.
No, she's alive and in great shape.
For the perfect picnic
You need some Jugnole
A tart of Mougnarde
And some Bidoune...
Look, it's obvious.
She pees sta...
Standing up.
Sure, but nothing comes out.
Hey, Daniel(le).
Well, Daniel(le),
we were wondering,
for no real reason...
Are you hitched?
Or not?
15 years with my partner.
And what's the name...
of your beloved?
Dominique.
Very pretty.
It's an ambiguous name.
Yes.
Like Daniel(le).
Thanks, we have all we need.
See you back there.
You blank your dad's call?
He's a pain.
Why?
He's always there, stifling me.
I'm unhappy.
Daddy loves me too much. Stifles me.
I'm gonna go home.
It's pointless staying.
You don't read my stuff, good or bad.
Where are you going?
Don't you want to go on air?
What?
You did stand-up?
This is the same but easier.
What's up? Scared?
No. What do I say?
Whatever.
As long as it's funny.
Jeremie!
You drank how many Riders today?
Maybe fifteen.
Way too many!
I don't have time.
I'm on air tomorrow.
Justine, this is Ben.
He's my straight twin.
It makes her laugh.
Come on in.
This is Blast!
I read it, it's great.
Turn the sound up
And shut up
Hi, Limoges.
It's the show
that gets your head out of your ass.
This morning, I want to introduce
a young writer,
who's our latest contributor.
Give it up for Mr. Ben, aka Ben Hur!
Okay, Mr. Ben, we're listening.
Hello, Limoges.
Slight technical problem.
Smithers, it'd be nice
if folks could hear us.
I read it?
I know what you're thinking.
You people in the square here,
you're thinking, Who are they?
What are they doing here? Simple.
We work for a station that was No.1.
Blast FM.
We were No.1.
When you're No.1, anything goes.
You run into the boss and you say,
"Dude, I screwed your wife.
"Put her on a diet."
When you're No.1, your boss
calls up his wife and says,
"I spoke to Alex, I'm not happy.
"Get on a diet."
Same goes for the listeners.
You put them on hold forever.
One time, a teen called in.
By the time he got on air,
he had 2 kids.
We'd become mean motherfuckers.
But we were No.1.
We were bigheaded bastards.
Totally disconnected.
Like Adolf Eichmann arriving in court,
turning to his counsel and saying,
"Funny, they don't like me here.
"Why do they look so mad?"
Except that being a dick
catches up with you
and you become No.2.
And that's why we're here.
It's our punishment.
You guys who live here
must've really messed up.
Seriously, try to understand.
None of us said,
"Fuck LA,
let's do the Cheese Trail this
summer."
We're doing the Cheese Trail.
But in the end,
thinking about it...
It means we get to see you.
Straight up.
For years, we talked to folks
we thought we'd never see.
You were just statistics.
The 15-25s, 16P+,
homekeepers under 50...
For the first time, we see you.
What I mean is,
let's get to know each other.
We're the Breakfast Club.
Nice to meet you.
Good job!
Well done, guys.
Good work.
First times are tough.
Live on national radio,
that's big pressure.
Anyway,
your text was on fire.
They were killing themselves.
Sure, they were. It was funny.
You're funny and I'm not. Great.
Pissed off, you're a jerk.
I'm just being honest.
You went on stage in NYC.
New York!
That pees on radio.
Don't you get it?
It's bullshit. I never went on stage.
I stood there like a dick
but I never went on.
I always lied.
I didn't know.
I bottle out, dammit,
and you've just got it.
Here's what we do.
I write and you do it live.
Arnold'll give us so much shit.
Cut it out.
First time we got applauded.
Arnold won't say a thing.
Do nothing, nothing's doing.
Don't you wanna make people laugh?
Sure.
You have no problem with that?
If you make 'em laugh, no.
It's cool.
Alex!
Your sister Jennifer keeps calling.
Thanks.
Don't die.
I'd have nothing to say.
Or we have croque-monsieur
or croque-madame.
Daniel(le), what'll it be?
I'm not sure.
I'll take a mixed salad.
Smart choice.
For tomorrow,
I sketched out a few ideas...
Excuse me.
10 years I've known you
and we only meet sis now.
She lives 500 km from Paris.
I never see her either.
You don't want Cyril
getting it on with her.
- Depends if she's hot.
- Sure.
Guys,
she's my sister.
Show some respect, please.
She's hot.
Can we focus on tomorrow?
It won't take long.
Hold on a second.
Your sister's coming on the tour?
How long do you need?
Good question, Arnold. I've no idea.
It depends on the vibes I'm feeling.
No feeling, guys. She's my sister.
She's 22, fragile,
doesn't know life,
just lost herjob...
Don't even think about it.
Respect.
Right, back off
and let's focus on tomorrow.
I bet you 1,000 euros
you can't nail her in 2 days.
No way. Money is not a goal for me.
1,000 euros.
Well, maybe I could be tempted, sure.
Shut up, he's shitting you.
Calm down.
She's not a whore.
You said you hadn't seen her.
Maybe she's changed.
Shut the fuck up!
Don't take it like that.
Mind that wasp.
Can we work now?
Hey.
Hey, sweets.
- Okay?
- Fine.
Guys, this is Jennifer, my sister.
Hi, I'm Cyril.
Welcome aboard.
I'd just like to say, with us,
in 2 days,
you'll forget you got fired.
You told them?
- No, I was...
- I need a shower.
Here. We're working here.
When you're ready.
Alex,
my dick's numb.
No fucking tonight.
- Sorry.
- Very smooth.
No, it's a running joke
with your brother.
I can't find my charger,
maybe I could borrow yours?
When I'm done, I'll bring it over.
I just need a quick burst.
7%. At 10, I'm gone.
Alex said you took photos.
I still do.
Can I see?
No, they won't interest you.
I am interested.
Let's see.
Who are these people?
All my exes.
Just kidding.
They're people who don't like me.
It's weird,
I like taking photos of haters.
They didn't want to give me anything
but in the end, they do.
I'm a loony.
No, you're cool.
I mean, it's cool.
10%. I'll be going.
Stay till 20% if you want.
Or even 30%.
You can even stay till 100%.
What?
30%.
It's a bit tricky, in terms of Alex.
I know,
but it's not what you think.
It's not about the money, you know.
But 1,000 euros!
She's cute,
but she seems a bit mixed-up.
- Fragile.
- Yeah, forget it.
- If I got a vibe, I'd go for it.
- There was no vibe.
Guys! Arnold got the ratings.
We're up 1.5 points.
What?
1.5 points.
Seriously?
Straight up.
No kidding?
There you go.
That's awesome!
Awesome!
What's 1.5 points mean?
It means 800,000 listeners, dummy.
Guys, cool.
We've proved nothing yet. Come on.
Calm down.
We've proved nothing yet.
1.5 points!
Consumer's Choice
This is the Breakfast Show.
You gotta know,
we have people on the phones.
Hello.
Your show's just great,
but it's down to the writer.
You sense a real comic talent.
Sharp, witty, nails it every time.
Say, I have a doubt.
Doesn't that sound
like Ben's dad's voice?
I think it's him, yes.
Not at all.
- Hey, dad.
- Hi, son.
Okay, guys?
Hello, Mr. Jablonsky.
Hi, audience. How are you today?
Why are you stopping?
It's beautiful, you shitheads.
This is so beautiful!
It tears my eyes out.
Scenery like that
makes me feel like a tiny little shit.
It works without the scenery.
Yeah, but here even more so.
You really jerk my chain.
Seriously.
We're fooling.
Sorry, Cyril, it was just a joke.
I had an announcement to make.
What's up?
- Forget it.
- I was kidding.
You know what?
You're such assholes.
I get serious for once
and what do you come back with?
Jokes!
You're the joke!
A bunch of clowns.
We can't talk normally for once?
You've always got to pick on something
to get a laugh.
And if it hurts a pal,
who cares?
C'mon, Cyril...
As long as everybody laughs.
It's true.
Did you laugh?
You didn't? It wasn't funny?
If it's funny,
it's funny, period.
But what your pal's feeling,
who cares?
Daddy-o, what's rattled your cage?
Shut up! You all piss me off!
I'm tired!
Listen up, and if you can't,
how about a little joke?
Ready, guys?
Those are the bus keys.
I'm the King of Comedy.
Fuck!
Shit!
Weren't those the bus keys?
It was a joke.
So it wasn't great.
Chill.
Excuse me.
You got a spare key?
Thanks for everything.
Sorry about that idiot.
I get the picture. You're not happy.
Better not be forever.
I messed up.
Let's say.
But if you think about it,
how could I know
we had the only driver without 2 keys?
I'm sorry, that is so unprofessional.
We're up 1 million listeners,
this far from making it!
But no!
Smartypants commits collective
suicide.
Dump the keys, walk across France.
You realize there's no show tomorrow
because of your stupidity?
He's not wrong, dude.
You're older than us
and more irresponsible.
You never get any better.
You realize you never get any better?
You're ultra-immature.
Funny you should say so,
I get no sense of that.
Precisely.
How old are you?
How old do you think?
Shit!
Sorry, it slipped out of my hands.
Isn't that crazy?
You must have spare set.
You're a pro.
Who's immature?
I'm gonna kill you!
There's a car!
You drive me nuts!
Leo...
Deep breaths.
The rapper, Leo.
Help him, guys.
Leo the rapper?
Fuck it, it's...
We don't understand.
See? You've pissed him off.
Leonardo da Vitry? You're nuts.
Jeremie recognized the car.
Even if it's him, he's a shit.
We need a guest for tomorrow.
So what? We'll...
Just ask Ben
to write you a sketch.
What's going on?
He's bigger than ever.
Get the hell off my steps!
Hi.
I'm a great fan.
Who invited you?
Hi. Actually...
We present the Breakfast Club.
On Blast FM.
You came on a few years ago.
You remember.
No hellos, no goodbyes, all that.
Know what? See that?
Suck it good, dickwad.
What a jerk!
Henri from the laundry sent us.
How do you know Henri?
He's a friend of my dad's.
How do you know Henri?
No sweat.
- Let's go.
- Just a second.
Excuse me.
You're a rap fan?
Yeah, I listen to some. I like it.
Like what?
You know Taboo
from Black Eyed Peach?
I just accepted him
as a friend on facebook.
Thanks, Cyril.
We need a guest for tomorrow's show.
If you can help, it's cool.
We all love what you do.
What time?
In the morning, actually.
We air in the morning.
The good thing is...
A lot of people tune in
in the morning.
The morning?
Mornings suck.
Let's do it at night.
You don't get it.
It's the morning show.
Like the evening news.
It's the evening news,
not afternoon news.
- We'll see, guys.
- What?
We'll see what?
No way!
You said, no work on vacation.
Screw the show!
Keep frying your ass and shut your
hole!
You shut your hole.
Flossing for your crew,
with your micro-dick stinking of shit!
Because it's been up your ass!
What did you say?
Say that again, faggot!
Quit busting my balls!
Say it! I'll fuck you up!
I dare you to repeat it!
Pain in the ass!
Come down here, I'll fuck you up!
Fuck you,
I'll pussywhip your manhole!
Right here, right now.
I like her. She's solar.
She has great energy.
I'm so gonna fuck you up!
Let's blow
before the shit hits the fan.
We'll be going. Thank you, ma'am.
No problem, fuck you!
- Thanks.
- The rap cliche.
Get outta here!
Come on, we're gone.
You faggots,
go suck each other off in the cellar.
You too, nigglet.
Run along, you black piece of shit.
Monday to Tuesday, we rape ya
Wednesday to Thursday, we rape ya
Friday with my homies, we rape ya
Saturday with the family, we rape ya
No condom, no mercy
if you're with NYPD
We rape ya
Leonardo da Vitry
fucks you without pity
Wet your panties
I'm gonna gape your booty
Get me, pretty
Dump your corpse in the city
Get ready, you hoes
Leonardo da Vitry
Weekly pussyhound
Well?
You keep pretty busy during the week.
For me, it's huge.
You're nuts. It stinks.
A pile of shit.
That we can agree on.
I wanted to play unplugged.
My wife refused.
She says rappers don't play guitar.
A real shame.
She talks nasty.
She talks bad to me.
No kidding.
She's very...
Here.
I'm sick of it.
Cooped up here every summer.
Maybe she'll let me out for a ride.
To go to the market.
Fuck it!
He's suffering.
She makes me a freak show.
I stink of defeat.
But she's right.
- She's right!
- How come? I don't get it.
She knows I'm crazy.
I might lose it anytime.
- No?
- Sure.
It's harmless craziness. Artistic.
It's the emotion.
Here we go, losing it.
How long did it take?
30 seconds, tops.
Blunt?
He's starting up.
I'm bad.
Where's he going?
Sorry for bothering you
while you're driving.
Very well, too, I might add.
I was wondering, do you have any idea
of our point of reentry?
Come again?
Where are we going, if you prefer?
The journey, Cyril.
Embrace the journey.
The only one for miles.
Check out how it shines in the night!
What the heck?
Onions!
You gotta tell him
it's off limits here.
They'll shred my ass.
You tell him.
Sir...
Salad!
He's busy.
The ice cream's hot.
Hey, Harry and Sally, what's up?
We're eating ice cream not making out.
Get off my back.
You wanna make out?
You're as dumb as him.
Good one, Ben.
I thought
you were bigtime cocksuckers,
but it turns out you're cool.
You see...
Leo...
I'm touched.
When's your show again?
It's fucked.
We're on air in two hours.
Why not do it here?
My ass is shredded forever.
Up, up, up!
This is a big day.
For the first time,
we're live at McDonald's in Mornas.
Get in your cars,
on your bikes, scooters or whatever,
and get down here
for breakfast with us...
While you relish your breakfast,
I'm going to introduce
our surprise guest.
You're so gonna freak.
Give it up for...
Leonardo Da Vitry!
It's all yours.
Where, where, where I'm going
Where I'm going
I don't know where I'm going
lf, if, if I knew
If only
I knew where I'm going
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I can't make the play
Yes, no
Up and down
Am I a fake
Or what I want to be?
Far or near
Or on the horizon
In the end
I don't know where I'm from
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I can't make the play
Today once more
I flee once more
I'm running away
I continue to stray
Thanks, Leonardo. Wonderful.
Rap the way it should be.
- He's my favorite.
- Yes.
Check out the receptionist. Creamy.
She's a decoy doss.
Yeah? I get it.
Sir only eats gourmet doss now.
No, but she's a decoy doss.
I'm picky about what I eat.
Decoy doss, decoy doss...
She is.
That's gourmet!
Can I help you?
Sorry to bother you.
I'm facing an annoying situation.
Not that I'm annoyed.
Just a second.
I'm keeping my cool.
I got the disabled room again.
It's no problem,
a shower ramp, raised toilet.
Just a second!
You see,
I'm sick of shitting
with my feet off the ground.
If I could switch rooms,
I'd appreciate it.
What?
I'm sorry.
It's cool, everything's fine.
Well...
I got an email from Frederico.
He's good, he's fine.
Great.
He wants Alex
to replace you for the concert.
Pardon me?
He can go fuck himself!
Ten years I've hosted it.
Nothing changes.
What do you mean?
Alex knows?
No.
So keep your mouth shut.
I host it, period.
Alex can do it. He's good.
I know Alex is good.
- There's no email.
- There is.
- You never received it.
- I did.
- Are we agreed?
- Sure.
- Did you receive it?
- No email.
Very good.
Just after the break,
Homer, Bart and Liza,
Mr. Burns and Smithers
in another episode of
The Simpsons.
Smithers?
He said Smithers.
That's my name.
Yeah, Smithers in The Simpsons.
You never saw The Simpsons?
No, never.
Arnold gave me my name ages ago.
I have the same name
as a star of The Simpsons?
Fucking classy!
What's Smithers like?
Is he cool?
Punctual?
Professional?
What kind of guy is he?
I guess you'd say
Smithers is the ultimate asslicker.
Meaning?
The guy's a brownnose,
who loves being humiliated by his
boss.
The guy's a streak of shit.
A real streak of shit.
I get it!
Maybe
it's not him.
Arnold must know another Smithers.
Obviously.
When you finish a sentence,
you spout shit.
- Flip channels?
- Leave it.
It's fine.
It's me. Open up.
What the hell are you doing?
You with a doss?
No, I'm wiped out.
You smell fucky.
- Who is it?
- Nobody.
- I need a mental picture.
- No, no picture.
The receptionist?
Yeah, the receptionist.
You're good. I knew it.
Very good.
See you tomorrow.
What's going on?
- She's naked?
- No, she's not.
Is she jilling off?
Maybe later.
Shave her pussy. Creamy.
No, I won't shave her pussy.
Make a phone-vid and send me it.
We'll see.
By email if it's too big.
The wifi works great.
Okay, wifi.
Hey, dude.
I'm proud of you.
See?
You're happy, I'm happy.
I am happy.
I am really happy.
Fuck her, bone her dry.
Sure.
But classy.
Like a Brit.
Mustache, Oxford...
Walking stick, see?
Monocle.
A champion.
Think champion.
Shit!
Remember tonight's concert
to close our summer tour,
hosted by yours truly.
Come on down, everybody,
to join us at the Dome in Marseille.
The home of hip-hop.
For the concert...
Jeez, guys!
Listeners, we have Smithers breezing
in,
throwing smokes at me.
- A problem, Smithers?
- I'm not Smithers.
You know, it may be
that today's scratching day.
He's scratching, guys.
- Unless it's bad news.
- A death?
- Perhaps.
- Hagrid's dead?
He's been turned down for Hogwarts.
That can hit a guy hard.
Can't hear you.
3 wotsits.
3 wotsits, guys.
I've won! I got 3 wotsits.
30,000 fucking euros!
30,000 euros scratching!
Madness.
It's hardly Dubai. Settle down.
It's still cool.
I'm rich!
You know what?
Screw you!
Go fuck yourself!
Now you can buy your own cigarettes.
And stick your ristretto up your hole.
Chill, kid.
It's an old sketch he wrote.
I won't cover for you.
Listen up, everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Frederico wants Alex
to host the concert
but Arnold asked me to lie.
You heard me.
He asked me to lie.
Frederico wants Alex
to host the concert at the Dome.
Swivel on that, my friend!
We'll settle this off air, okay.
My name's Fabrice!
No more Smithers!
- Calm down.
- You pipe down, too.
You crappy has-been!
Don't you see people laughing at you,
with your Barbie hair
and ballet shoes?
Wake up, shithead.
Repettos.
Okay?
Repettos!
Shoes of legend of the 1970s
worn by artists
who had something to say.
Screw your fashion tips!
Got that, loser?
Show some respect.
I'm a grandfather.
What?
Come again?
Actually,
my daughter gave birth last week.
He's a grandfather.
Who gives a shit?
It's my big moment.
Listen to me now.
It's my fucking moment!
I'm rich and I screw you!
Let's see.
Screw you, too! 30,000 times!
Failed comic, call my office.
You little faggot.
I resign, dammit!
30,000 euros.
- Chill.
- Fuck you!
Get off of me, Barbie!
3 wotsits! 30 grand!
I'm going on vacation.
30 grand, screw you!
- Screw you!
- Okay, you screwed us all.
You're a sore loser. Ugly man.
It feels so good!
Look. 1, 2, 3.
You need 1, 2, 3, 4.
Bullshit!
Look! Be nice.
1, 2, 3, 4.
You only have 1, 2, 3.
See?
Do you see?
Maybe I overreacted.
What a jerk.
Joke's on me.
Fine performance, Smithers.
We'll be right back
after Metronomy on Blast FM.
What have you done?
What's going on?
He's gonna faint.
Call someone.
Call emergency services.
It's my fault.
What's wrong with him?
Did we even make him sign a contract?
We're in shit, guys. In deep shit.
A sonofabitch thing to say.
Calm down, we're in a hospital.
In a hospital with a sonofabitch.
What do you know?
Contracts, taxes,
whaddya know?
Keep your mouth shut.
Cut it out!
Gentlemen, please.
Stop that.
He'll pull through.
It was a minor stroke.
At his age?
We ran tests.
I thought it was bovine blood.
He was full of bull hormones.
He's got to stop drinking that.
His polydipsia could be fatal.
- Polydipsia?
- When you can't stop drinking.
Polydipsia.
Gentlemen.
Thanks, doc.
Polydipsia.
How you doing, guys?
Isn't Marseille wonderful?
Aren't they handsome?
I guess this is little sis.
Nice to meet you.
Don't worry about Jeremie,
I spoke to his folks.
He'll be in Paris tomorrow.
Can I borrow him?
Good news.
You did a great job.
We should be back on top.
I'm very pleased.
I am really pleased.
What you do is...
Look, I'll be clear.
If you want the Breakfast Show,
it's yours.
Just do a good job tonight.
What about the others?
We only air 24 hours a day.
In this business,
you always take someone's job.
I can't renew all contracts.
Tonight, grab your chance.
Well?
What did he say?
You gonna do it?
Right?
15 days of comic stardom
and you replace
15 years of experience.
15 years' graft
to earn the right to wake 'em up.
I wake them up.
My voice is the first one they hear.
Before their wife, husband or boss.
Take a good look.
I'm single.
I smoke 3 packs a day,
I ruin my health.
The show's all I have.
You get that?
The difference is I'd never stiff you.
You're so scared of being stiffed
you stiff your pals.
I don't care about the concert,
but I'll do it.
Good.
You're right.
Are my texts ready?
You with me? Are they ready?
You're on.
Good evening, Marseille!
How's it going in the Dome?
Thanks for coming
to this one-off concert
organized
by Blast FM's Breakfast Club.
Thanks for tuning in
and listening week in, week out.
And I mean thank you.
Everything's cool
now the sound's working,
but I'm alone here on stage.
In the Breakfast studio, I'm not.
We're missing someone, at least.
At least one.
His name's Cyril!
Give it up for him
because here he is!
Cyril in Marseille!
Cyril, come on out.
Let's hear it for Cyril!
Hell yeah!
Hello, Massilia,
Phocean city of the Sun King.
Above all, hello to you, girls.
You can stay, guys.
Thank you, Cyril!
Hold on.
There can't be just two of us here.
Louder.
Who's missing?
Louder!
Here's...
Arnold!
Is Le Panier in the house tonight?
Is Belsunce in the house tonight?
Is Marseille in the house tonight?
And let's hear it
for our boss, Frederico!
Don't worry.
We can't say he's the boss.
If you think about it,
the boss is the audience.
The boss could be you.
Come on.
The boss...
What if the boss was a lady?
Absolutely right.
Why shouldn't she be the boss?
- Here's the boss.
- Very pretty.
Why shouldn't the boss be
that guy there?
But if you think
long and hard about it,
the boss is you, you, you...
All bosses.
Come on up, bosses!
How did it end?
They couldn't fire us.
We were No.1.
Alex and I went away to write.
May I ask your director
the last question?
How did Alex react when he found out
about you and his sister?
What?
You and my sister?
You're dating my sister?
Hold on, Marie.
I find out live on national radio
that you're dating my sister?
What is this?
Marie, it's not your fault,
but what's going on?
I'm sorry.
- Let's hear it.
- Later maybe?
How long have you been together?
He's fooling.
Just kidding.
But I am meeting his mother soon.
And I can't wait.
What?
- Forget it.
- She's cute.
- Cut it out.
- Beautiful even.
Maybe so, but...
- If the vibe's good...
- No vibe, she's my mother.
- You never know.
- Stop!
Thanks, both of you,
and good luck with the show.
- Thanks.
- Thanks for having us.
Stroke the dog
before saying hi to your buddies.
Real classy. Honestly.
You killed tonight.
I am so pleased you could make it.
- So pleased.
- You're so funny.
- I appreciate it.
- 90 minutes of...
Hold on, guys. Stop.
Can we talk about that?
News flash, maybe.
They're Uggs.
The preferred shoe
of Australian surfers.
I treated myself in the sales.
Good job, see you soon.
I gotta run.
See you later, guys.
Stay, we got a doss lined up.
I'm parked in a loading bay.
- That old trick.
- Great excuse.
Yeah, it's a loading bay.
How many times I gotta say it?
You know what he's like.
- He could make an effort.
- He did. He came already.
That's a huge effort.
So what now?