Raising Arizona (1987) Movie Script

HI: My name is H.I. McDunnough.
[ Door slams ]
Call me Hi.
The first time I met Ed...
was in the county lockup
in Tempe, Arizona.
Don't forget his profile, Ed.
Turn to the right!
HI: The day I'll never forget.
Turn to the right!
What kind of name is Ed
for a pretty thing like you?
ED: Short for Edwina.
Turn to the right!
You're a flower, you are.
Just a little desert flower.
Let me know how those come out.
HI: Prison life
is very structured...
more than most people
care for...
but there's a spirit of
camaraderie between the men...
like you find
only in combat, maybe...
or on a pro ball club in
the heat of the pennant drive.
HI: In an effort
to better ourselves...
we were forced to meet
with a counselor...
who tried to help us figure out
why we were the way we were.
SCHWARTZ: All he wanted
was a hot roll and butter.
why do you use the word
Why do you say you feel trapped
in a man's body?
Well, sometimes I get
the menstrual cramps real hard.
Have you learned anything, Hi?
HI: Yes, sir. You bet.
WOMAN: You wouldn't lie to us,
would you?
HI: No, ma'am. Hope to say.
MAN: OK, then.
HI: I tried to stand up
and fly straight...
but it wasn't easy with Reagan
in the White House.
I don't know.
They say
he's a decent man, so...
[ Click ]
maybe his advisers are confused.
ED: Turn to the right.
What's the matter, Ed?
My "fy-ance" left me.
HI: She said her fiance
had run off...
with a student cosmetologist...
who knew how to ply
her feminine wiles.
The sumbitch.
Don't forget his phone call, Ed.
Tell him
I think he's a damn fool, Ed.
You tell him I said so--
H.I. McDunnough.
If he wants to discuss it,
he knows where to find me--
in the Maricopa County
Maximum Security...
Correctional Facility For Men...
State Farm Road Number
Thirty-one, Tempe, Arizona!
I'll be waitin'!
I'll be waitin'.
HI: I can't say I was happy
to be back inside...
but the flood of familiar
sights, sounds, and faces...
almost made it feel
like a homecoming.
Most men your age are getting
married and raising a family.
Well, factually--
SCHWARTZ: They wouldn't accept
prison as a substitute.
Would any of you men
care to comment?
GALE: Well...
sometimes your career
has got to come before family.
Work's what's kept us happy.
HI: I tried to sort through
what Doc Schwartz had said...
but prison ain't
the easiest place to think.
CELLMATE: When there was
no meat, we ate fowl.
When there was no fowl,
we ate crawdad.
When there was no crawdad
to be found, we ate sand.
- You ate what?
- We ate sand.
- You ate sand?
- That's right.
MAN: Well, Hi, you done served
your twenty months...
and seeing as how you never use
live ammo...
we got no choice
but to return you to society.
These doors gonna swing wide.
I didn't want
to hurt anyone, sir.
SECOND MAN: Hi, we respect that.
MAN: But you're just
hurting yourself...
with this rambunctious behavior.
I know that, sir.
MAN: OK, then.
HI: I don't know
how you come down...
on the incarceration question--
whether it's for rehabilitation
or revenge...
but I was beginning to think...
revenge is the only argument
makes any sense.
[ Siren ]
ED: Show the tattoo!
Turn to the right!
Don't forget his fingers, Ed.
Hear about the paddy wagon...
that collided
with the cement mixer, Ed?
Twelve hardened criminals
ED: Ha ha! I heard that one.
HI: Got a new beau?
ED: No, Hi. I sure don't.
HI: Don't worry. I paid for it.
They say that absence
makes the heart grow fonder.
And for once, they may be right.
- You missed a spot.
- Rrr!
HI: More and more,
my thoughts turned to Ed...
and I finally felt
the pain of imprisonment.
CELLMATE: Mama would throw
the live crawdad...
in a pan of boiling water.
One day, I decided to make
my own crawdad...
and I threw it in a pot
without the water, you see?
And it was just like
making popcorn.
HI: Yeah,
the joint is a lonely place...
after lockup and lights out...
when the last of the cons...
has been swept away
by the sandman.
But I couldn't help thinking...
that a brighter future
lay ahead...
a future that was only
eight to fourteen months away.
MAN: They got a name
for people like you, Hi.
That name is called recidivism.
SECOND MAN: Repeat offender.
Not a pretty name, is it, Hi?
No, sir.
That's one bonehead name...
but that ain't me anymore.
MAN: You're not just telling us
what we want to hear?
HI: No, sir. No way.
SECOND MAN: 'Cause we just want
to hear the truth.
HI: Then I guess I am telling
you what you want to hear.
MAN: Didn't we just tell you
not to do that?
HI: Yes, sir.
MAN: OK, then.
ED: Turn to the right!
HI: I'm walking in here
on my knees, Ed--
a free man proposing.
Howdy, Kurt.
HI: And so it was.
Don't forget the bouquet, Ed.
I do.
You bet I do.
OK, then.
- Yay!
- Whoo!
HI: Ed's pa
staked us to a starter home...
in suburban Tempe...
and I got a job
drilling holes in sheet metal.
COWORKER: We were doing
paramedical work...
in affiliation
with the state highway system.
Not actually practicing,
you understand.
Me and Bill
were patrolling down Nine Mile.
- Bill Roberts?
- No, not that mother-scratcher.
Bill Parker.
we're approaching the wreck...
and there's
this spherical object...
resting in the highway...
and it's not a piece of the car.
HI: Most ways,
the job was a lot like prison...
except Ed was waiting
at the end of every day...
and a paycheck
at the end of every week.
Government do take a bite,
don't she?
HI: These were the happy days--
the salad days, as they say.
Ed felt that having a critter
was the next logical step.
It was all she thought about.
Her point was that there was
too much love and beauty...
for just the two of us...
and every day we kept a child
out of the world...
was a day he might later regret
having missed.
ED: That was beautiful.
HI: So we worked at it
on the days we calculated...
most likely to be fruitful...
and we worked at it most
other days, just to be sure.
Ed rejoiced that my lawless
years were behind me...
and that our child-rearing years
lay ahead.
[ Siren ]
And then the roof caved in.
ED: Hi...
I'm barren!
At first I didn't believe it...
that this woman
who looked as fertile...
as the Tennessee Valley...
could not bear children.
But the doctor explained
that her insides...
were a rocky place where my seed
could find no purchase.
Ed was inconsolable.
We tried an adoption agency.
ED: It's true that Hi
has had a checkered past.
HI: But Ed here is an officer
of the law twice decorated...
so we figure
it kind of evens out.
HI: But biology
and the prejudices of others...
conspired to keep us childless.
Our love for each other
was stronger than ever...
but I premonised no return
of the salad days.
The pizzazz
had gone out of our lives.
Ed lost all interest
in both criminal justice...
and housekeeping.
Soon after,
she tendered her badge.
Even my job
seemed as dry and bitter...
as a hot prairie wind.
COWORKER: So here's Bill
walking down Nine Mile--
That's Bill Parker,
you understand.
He's got his sandwich
in one hand...
and the fuckin' head
in the other!
[ Snorting ]
HI: I even caught myself driving
by convenience stores...
that weren't on the way home.
Then, one day...
the biggest news hit the state
since they built the Hoover Dam.
The Arizona Quints was born.
By Arizona Quints...
I mean they was born to a woman
named Florence Arizona.
As you probably guessed...
Florence Arizona is the wife
of Nathan Arizona...
and Nathan Arizona--
well, hell,
you know who he is.
So come on down
to Unpainted Arizona...
where you can get
the finest selection...
in fixtures and appointments...
for your bathroom,
bedroom, boudoir!
And if you can find
lower prices anywhere...
my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
HI: The owner of the largest
chain of unpainted furniture...
and bathroom fixture outlets
throughout the Southwest.
Yep, Florence had been taking
fertility pills...
and she and Nathan
had hit the jackpot.
Now, y'all without sin
can cast the first stone...
but we thought it was unfair
that some should have so many...
while others
should have so few.
With the benefit of hindsight...
maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.
But at the time...
Ed's little plan
seemed like the solution...
to all our problems...
and the answer
to all our prayers.
[ Man yodeling with banjo ]
NATHAN: Eight hundred
leaf-tables and no chairs?
You can't sell
leaf-tables and no chairs.
Chairs, you got a dinette set.
No chairs, you got dick!
I asked my wife.
She got more sense.
[ Bumping noise upstairs ]
Miles, alls I know is...
I'm away from the office
to play with my kids...
and everything
goes straight to heck!
I ain't gonna stand for it!
Yeah, if a frog had wings, it
wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'.
I am sick of your excuses,
It is now precisely...
I'm gonna be down at that store
in exactly twelve hours...
to kick me some butt...
or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
[ Baby cries ]
That sounds like Larry.
No, no, no. Shh. Shh.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
[ Baby cries ]
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Quiet, quiet.
HI: Quiet.
Good boy.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- [ Baby whines ]
- Shh, shh, shh.
Quiet, quiet.
[ Toy squeaks ]
HI: That's it. Good, good.
[ Baby cries ]
HI: Quiet.
Here's a rattle.
Rattle. OK?
OK, good.
[ Baby cries ]
HI: Shh.
HI: Shh, shh.
- [ Baby fusses ]
- No, no.
Shh. Shh. Quiet, quiet.
Come here.
BABY: Aah!
[ Thumping ]
[ Wind-up toy whirs ]
[ Baby cries ]
Come here. Come here.
[ Hi gasps ]
[ Baby coos ]
NATHAN: Why don't you go up
and check on them?
They sound restless.
ED: What's the matter?
HI: I'm sorry, honey.
It just didn't work out.
ED: What do you mean
it didn't work out?
HI: They--they started crying.
They were all over me.
It was kind of horrifying,
honey. Let me in.
ED: Of course they cried.
Babies cry.
I know that. We better leave.
ED: You go right back up there
and get me a toddler.
I need a baby, Hi. They got more
than they can handle.
HI: Oh, honey--
ED: Don't you come back here
without a baby.
- [ Baby babbling ]
- Shh.
[ Baby laughs ]
Beek beek beek beek beek.
NATHAN: Christian Dior, my butt.
They pay money for that?
Yes, dear.
NATHAN: How are the kids?
Fine, dear.
- Which one you get?
- I don't know.
- Nathan Junior, I think.
- Give me here.
HI: Here's the instructions.
ED: Oh...
he's beautiful.
HI: Yep. He's awful damn good.
I think I got the best one.
I bet they were all beautiful.
All babies are beautiful.
This one's awful damn good,
Don't you cuss around him.
He's fine, he is.
I think it's Nathan Junior.
ED: We are doing
the right thing, aren't we, Hi?
They had more
than they could handle.
HI: Well, now, honey, we've been
over this and over this.
There's what's right
and there's what's right...
and never the twain shall meet.
But don't you think his mama
will be upset...
I mean, overly?
Of course she'll be upset,
sugar, but she'll get over it.
She's got four little babies...
almost as good as this one.
It's like when I was robbing
convenience stores.
I love him so much!
I know you do, honey.
I love him so much!
I know you do.
MAN SINGING: Give me a home
where the buffalo...
HI: OK. Bring him in.
This is it, Nathan Junior.
Feast your eyes, old boy!
ED: Don't be so loud around him.
- Damn. I'm sorry, honey.
- And don't you cuss.
HI: He don't know a cuss word
from Shinola.
ED: Well, you see that he don't.
HI: I want to hold him, too.
HI: Oh, he's all right, he is.
Come on over here,
young Nathan Junior.
I'm gonna show you around.
Looky here, young sportsman.
That there's the kitchen area
where Ma and Pa chow down.
This here's the TV.
Two hours a day, maximum...
either educational
or football...
so's you don't ruin
your appreciation...
of the finer things.
And this here's the divan...
for socializing and relaxing
with the family unit.
Yes, sir.
Many's the day
we sat there and said...
"Wouldn't it be nice to have
a youngster here...
"to share our thoughts
and feelings?"
ED: He's tired, Hi.
HI: Well, I'll just set you
right there, boy.
Just put those dogs up
and take a load off.
MAN SINGING: A discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all
Skies are not cloudy all
Skies are not cloudy all day
Ahh ahh...
What? Are you kidding?
We got us a family here!
Ahh ahh.
He's a scandal, isn't he?
He's a little outlaw.
No. He--he's a good boy.
HI: He ain't too good.
You can tell
by that twinkle in his eye.
Don't you think
we ought to put him to bed?
HI: No. Hang on, honey.
Let's preserve the moment
in pictures.
ED: Just one, OK?
I got to tell you...
I'm a little scared, Hi.
HI: How come is that, honey?
ED: Well, we got a baby, Hi.
It's an awful big
HI: Honey,
could you slide over a tad...
and raise the nipper up?
ED: I mean,
we never done this before...
and I'm kind of nervous.
You're doing real good, sugar.
[ Timer beeps ]
- I love you, Hi.
- We're set to pop here, honey.
- You're gonna help, aren't you?
- How's that, honey?
ED: Contribute...
to the management of the child.
[ Beeping faster ]
Quiet evenings at home together.
- You can count on it, honey.
- Everything decent and normal.
We're set to pop here, honey.
[ Rapid beeping ]
[ Thunder ]
Aah! Ohh! Aaaah!
EVELLE: Whoooo-ha!
GALE: What is she?
Station wagon. Looks nice.
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
[ Thunder ]
[ Knock on door ]
- Merry Christmas.
- Open up! It's the police!
ED: What's going on?
- Stay in here.
- Open up!
They ain't gonna split up
the family.
GALE: Open up in there!
HI: I'd like to see them try.
[ Gale banging on door ]
GALE: Open up! Maybe
we'll let you plea-bargain!
[ Evelle giggling ]
HI: Hi there!
GALE: Ha ha ha!
HI: Oh, Gale! Oh, make me sick!
[ Evelle and Gale giggling ]
Honey, I'd like you to meet...
Gale and Evelle Snoats...
as fine a pair
as ever broke and entered!
Boys...this here's my wife.
- Ma'am.
- Miz McDunnough.
Kind of late for visitors,
isn't it, Hi?
HI: Yeah, but these boys
just got out of the joint...
so we got to show
a little hospitality.
GALE: H.I., looks like you been
up to the devil's business.
EVELLE: Is that a him or a her?
ED: It's a little boy.
GALE: Got a name, does he?
HI: So far,
we just been using Junior.
ED: We call him Junior.
EVELLE: You mean J.R.,
just like the TV show?
[ Gale and Evelle cackle ]
EVELLE: That's good!
GALE: "Welcome home, son."
Where's he been?
- Phoenix.
- Tulsa.
HI: He was visiting
his grandparents.
ED: They're separated.
GALE: Would that be
your folks, ma'am?
ED: No. I'm afraid not.
GALE: You said your folks
was dead, H.I.
HI: We thought Junior should see
their final resting place.
Why don't you boys have a seat?
Hi, it's 2:00 in the morning.
What's that smell?
GALE: We don't always smell
this way, Miz McDunnough.
I was just explaining
to your better half here...
that when we were
tunneling out...
we happened to hit
the main sewer line--
dumb luck that--
and we followed that--
You mean you busted out of jail?
EVELLE: We released ourselves
on our own recognizance.
GALE: What Evelle's saying is
we felt the institution...
no longer had anything
to offer us.
My Lord, he's cute!
EVELLE: He's a little outlaw.
You can see that, Hi.
ED: Now, listen.
You folks can't stay here.
EVELLE: Ma'am?
ED: You just can't stay.
I appreciate
your being friends of Hi...
but this is a decent family now.
We got a toddler here.
Say, who wears the pants
around here, H.I.?
Ha! Honey, these boys
just got out of the joint--
Don't "honey" me.
You can set a while
and catch up...
but then be on your way.
[ Thunder ]
GALE: Got you on an awful
short leash, don't she?
[ Nathan Junior coos ]
ED: Are they still here?
HI: Yeah.
They're just gonna stay
a day or two, honey.
It's raining out.
They got nowheres to go.
They're fugitives, Hi.
How are we gonna start
a new life with them around?
HI: Well, honey, you got to have
a little charity.
You know, in Arab lands,
you set out a plate.
ED: Promise, just a day or two.
HI: Tonight and tomorrow, tops.
HI: That night, I had a dream.
I drifted off...
thinking about happiness,
birth, and new life...
but now I was haunted
by a vision of...
He was horrible.
The lone biker
of the apocalypse.
A man with all the powers
of hell at his command.
He could turn
the day into night...
[ Jingling ]
and laid to waste
everything in his path.
He was especially hard
on the little things--
the helpless
and the gentle creatures.
He left a scorched earth
in his wake...
befouling even
the sweet desert breeze...
that whipped across his brow.
I didn't know
where he came from or why.
I didn't know if he was...
a dream or vision...
but I feared that I myself
had unleashed him.
For he was the fury
that would be...
as soon as Florence Arizona
found her little Nathan gone.
[ Florence screaming ]
Father sits at his cabin door
Wiping his tear-dimmed eyes
For his only son soon shall walk
To yonder scaffold rise
HI: Is he all right?
He's all right.
He was just having a nightmare.
[ Singing ]
My race is run beneath the sun
The scaffold now waits for me
For I did murder
that dear little girl
Whose name was Rose...
Sometimes it's a hard world
for the little things.
NATHAN: No, the missis
and the rest of the kids...
left town to...
I ain't sayin' where.
They'll be back here when
we're a nuclear family again.
Which tot was abducted?
Nathan Junior, I think.
REPORTER: Do you have anything
to say to the kidnappers?
Watch your butts.
REPORTER: It's been rumored
your son was abducted by UFOs.
Don't print that, son.
If his mama reads that,
she'll lose all hope.
OFFICER: We need to ask you
some more questions.
But remember,
it's still business as usual...
at Unpainted Arizona.
If you can find
lower prices anywhere...
my name still ain't
Nathan Arizona.
REPORTER: But, sir...
OFFICER: Mr.Byrum can take
your exemplars while you talk.
MR.BYRUM: Just relax your hand.
I'll do the work.
NATHAN: What is this?
I didn't steal the damn kid.
These men are with the FBI.
NATHAN: Are you boys crazy?
Alls I know is I wake up
and my wife is screaming.
We need to distinguish
your prints...
from the perpetrator,
if they left any.
NATHAN: Of course. I know that.
We have an indication...
you were born Nathan Huffheinz.
Is this correct?
I changed my name. What of it?
YOUNGER AGENT: Can you give us
an indication why?
Would you buy furniture...
at a store called
Unpainted Huffheinz?
OFFICER: Was the child wearing
anything when he was abducted?
NATHAN: Nobody sleeps naked
in this house.
I am asking the questions.
OFFICER: To put out an APB,
I need a description.
We're better trained...
to intervene
in a crisis situation.
What was he wearing?
NATHAN: A dinner jacket.
What do you think?
He was wearing his damn jammies.
was wearing his jammies.
OLDER AGENT: Do you have
any disgruntled employees?
NATHAN: They're all disgruntled.
I ain't running
a damn daisy farm.
My motto is "Do it my way
or watch your butt."
It might have been an employee?
NATHAN: Don't make me laugh.
Without my say-so...
they wouldn't piss
with their pants on fire.
What did the pajamas look like?
I don't know. They were jammies!
They had Yodas and shit on 'em!
[ Banging ]
Get your damn feet
off my coffee table!
OLDER AGENT: Ron, you are
upsetting the victim.
NATHAN: Are you boys gonna
chase down your leads...
or sit around drinking
coffee in the one house...
in the state
where I know my boy ain't at?
YOUNGER AGENT: We don't have
any leads aside from the coat.
NATHAN: Give me that!
That's a $500 camel's hair coat!
MR.BYRUM: Sir, you might want
to wash your hands.
NATHAN: God damn it!
No leads? Everyone leaves
microbes and whatnot.
That's your forte, ain't it?
Trackin' down microbes
left by criminals and commies.
That's your whole goddamned
raison d'etre, ain't it?
No leads?
I want Nathan Junior back...
or whichever the hell
one of 'em they took!
He's out there somewhere.
Something leads to him.
And anyone can find him
knows the difference...
between a lead
and a hole in the ground!
[ Dog barking ]
[ Revving engine ]
[ Screech ]
[ Screech ]
[ Service bell rings ]
Awful good cereal flakes,
Miz McDunnough.
Why ain't you breast-feedin'?
You appear to be capable.
Mind your own business.
EVELLE: Ma'am,
you don't breast-feed him...
he'll hate you for it later.
That's why we wound up
in prison.
That's what Doc Schwartz says.
HI: Boys.
EVELLE: Mornin', Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Uh...say, boys...
you wouldn't mind
making yourself scarce...
for a couple of hours
this afternoon, would you?
We're having
some decent friends over.
HI: What Ed means to say is...
seein' as you two boys
are wanted...
wouldn't exactly do
to have folks seein' you here.
It's for your own protection.
Sure, H.I.
EVELLE: Anything you say, Hi.
HI: Honey, I think I'll skip
this get-together myself.
Glen won't mind.
I'll duck out with the boys...
knock back a couple
of Coca-Colas.
GALE: Sure, H.I.
We'd love to have you, Hi.
Maybe that ain't
such a swell idea, either.
So many social engagements...
so little time.
[ Honk honk honk ]
DOT: Where's that baby?
Where's he at?
GLEN: Go find him, honey!
DOT: Cut it out, Glen!
ED: He's asleep right now.
Shit! I hope we didn't wake it.
DOT: Can I sneak a peek-a-loo?
GLEN: Come on, kids!
Get away from
Mr.McDunnough's car!
DOT: [ Gasps ] Oh!
What's his name?
Uh, Hi...Junior...
till we think of a better one.
Well, why don't you
call him Jason?
I just love biblical names.
If I had another little boy...
I'd name him Jason,
Caleb, or Tab.
[ Gasps ] Oh, he's an angel!
He's an angel
straight from heaven!
I had my kids the hard way.
Tell me how you got
this little angel?
Did he fly straight down
from heaven?
You're gonna send him
to Arizona State.
BO Y: Bam! Bam!
[ Children screaming ]
HI: Need a beer, Glen?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
HI: Yeah,
I guess it is kind of funny.
GLEN: Say, that reminds me.
How many Polacks it take
to screw up a light bulb?
I don't know. One?
GLEN: Nope, it takes three.
[ Laughing ]
Wait a minute.
No, I told it wrong.
Here, I'm starting again.
How come it takes three Polacks
to screw up a light bulb?
I don't know, Glen.
'Cause they're so darn stupid!
Shit, man, listen up.
Don't you get it?
[ Screaming ]
HI: No, Glen, I sure don't.
GLEN: I guess that's why
they call it a way-homer.
HI: Why?
You only get it on the way home.
I'm already home, Glen.
BO Y: You wet yourself!
You wet yourself!
wet himself, Daddy!
GLEN: Say, how'd you get
that kid so darn fast?
Me and Dot went in to adopt...
on account of something
went wrong with my semen.
They said we had to wait five
years for a healthy, white baby.
I said, "Five years?
OK, what else you got?"
They said they got
two Koreans...
and a Negro born
with his heart on the outside.
It's a crazy world.
Someone ought to sell tickets.
Sure, I'd buy one.
That Buford's a sly one.
He already knows his ABCs.
Watch this.
Hit the deck, boy!
But like I'm sayin',
how'd you get the kid?
This whole thing
is just who knows who.
Then over here
you have favoritism.
Ed has a friend
at one of the agencies.
Maybe she can do something
for me and Dot.
There's something wrong
with my semen.
That reminds me,
what you gonna name it?
Ed. Ed Junior.
But I thought you said
it was a boy.
As in "Edward."
We just like that name.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I don't need another kid...
but Dot says these are
getting too big to cuddle.
Say, that reminds me--
[ Glass shatters ]
Mind you don't cut yourself,
DOT: Then there's
the diphtheria-tetanus.
Get them dip-tet boosters
or else they'll develop
lockjaw and night vision.
Then there's
the smallpox vaccine...
chicken pox, and measles.
If your kid's
anything like ours...
you'll have to get
those shots yourself first...
before he'll ever take them.
Who's your pediatrician,
We ain't exactly fixed on one
yet, have we, Hi?
ED: No,
I guess we don't have one yet.
DOT: Jesus! You got
to have one this instant!
ED: What if the baby
gets sick, honey?
DOT: Even if he don't get sick,
he's got to have his dip-tet.
ED: He's got to have
his dip-tet, honey.
DOT: Have you started
his bank accounts yet?
ED: Have we done that?
We got to do that, honey.
What's that for?
DOT: His orthodontia
and his university.
Soak his thumb in iodine...
you might get by
without orthodontia.
Won't knock a thing
off the university.
Ray, take that diaper
off your head!
Put it back onto your sister!
You probably got
the life insurance...
all squared away.
Have we done that yet, honey?
DOT: Got to do that, Hi.
Ed's got her hands full
with this little angel.
Yes, ma'am.
DOT: What would Ed and
little angel do if a truck...
splattered your brains
all over the interstate?
ED: Yeah, honey.
What if you get run over?
DOT: Or you got
carried off by a twister?
Say, you hear about the person
of Polish persuasion...
he walks into a bar with a big
pile of shit in his hands...
and he says, "Look what
I almost stepped in."
Yeah, that's funny.
You're damn right it's funny.
Shit, what's the matter?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a wife,
kids, family life.
I mean...
Are you...
are you satisfied, Glen?
Don't you ever feel suffocated?
Like there's something big
pressing down?
Yeah, I do know that feeling.
HI: I don't know.
GLEN: And I told Dot
to lose some weight...
but she don't want to listen.
Ha ha ha ha! No, man,
I know what you mean.
You got all
these responsibilities now.
You're married, you got a kid.
It looks like
your whole life is set down...
and where's the excitement?
Yeah, that's it.
That's a disease,
but you got a cure.
Dr.Glen is here to tell you
that you can heal thyself.
What do I got to do?
Just broaden your mind a little.
Say if I asked you,
what do you think about Dot?
She's a fine woman
you got there.
You might not know it
to look at her...
but she's a hellcat. T-i-g-e-r.
What's that got to do--
GLEN: Now, don't rush me.
The thing about Dot is...
She told me this.
She thinks--
she thinks you're cute.
HI: Yeah?
GLEN: I'm crappin' you
and I could say
the same thing about Ed.
What are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
I'm talking about sex, boy.
What the hell are you
talking about?
I'm talking about l'amour.
I'm talking me and Dot
are swingers...
as in "to swing."
I'm talking about wife-swapping.
I'm talking about
what they call open marriage.
I'm talking about--
HI: Keep your goddamn hands
off my wife.
I was only trying to help!
You crazy! You're crazy, man!
Keep your goddamn hands
off my wife!
You're crazy! I pity you!
[ Crunch ]
[ Thunder ]
We finally go out
with some decent people...
and you break his nose.
That ain't too funny.
His kids thought it was funny.
ED: Well, they're just kids.
You're a grown man
with responsibilities.
Whatever possessed you?
He was provoking me.
ED: How?
Never mind.
But, Hi, he's your foreman.
He's gonna fire you now.
I expect he will.
ED: And where does that leave
the three of us?
Where does that leave
our entire family unit?
With a man for a husband.
That ain't no answer.
Honey, that's the only answer.
ED: That ain't no answer.
HI: Just a man for a husband.
Nathan needs some Huggies.
I'll be out directly.
Mind you stay strapped in.
HI: Wake up, son.
I'll be taking these Huggies
and whatever cash you got.
"No, no, not by the hair
on my chinny-chin-chin..."
said the little pig.
Look at him.
"Then I--"
[ Sirens ]
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff...
"and I'll blow your house in."
That sumbitch.
That son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch!
HI: Hurry up.
I'm in Dutch with the wife.
You son of a bitch!
HI: Come on, now.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Sirens ]
HI: Honey?
[ Sirens ]
[ Bang ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Bang ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Growling ]
[ Barking ]
[ Gunshots ]
That sumbitch.
Hold on, Nathan.
We're gonna go pick up Daddy.
Son, you got a panty
on your head.
Just drive fast.
[ Barking ]
[ Small dog barking ]
HI: Oh, wait. There's the wife.
Grab the baby, now!
Aah! Aaaah!
Hang on, Nathan.
We're gonna take a shortcut.
[ Gunshots ]
Aah! Can I stop now?
- Aaaah!
- Aaaah!
HI: Thank you.
That's private property, son.
Come out to the street
and reveal yourself.
Son of a bitch.
[ Barking ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Barking ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshots ]
WOMAN: Aaah!
HI: Thank you, honey, but you
really didn't have to do this.
ED: You son of a bitch!
What if we'd been picked up?
HI: Turn left here.
ED: Nathan Junior would have
been accessory to armed robbery.
HI: It ain't armed robbery
if the gun ain't loaded.
ED: What kind of home life
is this for a toddler?
You're supposed to be
an example.
HI: A what? Businessman?
I never postured myself
as a three-piece-suit type!
Turn right, honey.
ED: We got a child now.
Everything's changed.
HI: Nathan Junior accepts me
for what I am...
and I think you better had, too.
I'm OK, you're OK.
That there's what it is.
I know, but, honey...
I come from a long line
of frontiersmen--
Oh, here it is, dear. Turn here.
I'm not gonna live this way, Hi.
It just ain't family life!
HI: Well, it ain't
Ozzie and Harriet.
[ Woman singing opera
on television ]
ED: You two are leaving
tomorrow morning.
I got nothing against you
but you're wanted
by the authorities...
and you're a bad influence
in this household.
GALE: Well, ma'am...
we sure didn't mean
to influence anybody.
And if we did, we apologize.
I'm going in town tomorrow
to see about shots for the baby.
When I come back,
you better be gone.
What's he need, his dip-tet?
HI: I'm awful sorry, boys,
but...when Ed gets mad...
you know, she gets an idea.
GALE: There ain't a thing
to apologize for, H.I.
Seems pretty clear
what the situation is here.
EVELLE: Yeah. I guess the missis
wants us to clear out.
GALE: Now, H.I., if you'll
pardon me for sayin' so...
I get the feelin' that this here
ain't exactly workin' out.
HI: Edwina's generally
a real sweetheart.
GALE: And as per usual,
I wouldn't be surprised...
if the source of the marital
friction weren't financial.
HI: As a matter of fact...
I did lose my job today.
EVELLE: Oh, Hi, you're young
and got your health.
What do you want with a job?
GALE: I'd rather light a candle
than curse your darkness.
Now, as you know...
Evelle and I never go anywhere
without there's a purpose.
And here we are
in your little domicile.
We come to invite you in
on a little score.
- A bank, H.I.
- Come on, now!
GALE: I know you're partial
to convenience stores...
but damn it, H.I...
the sun don't rise and set
on the corner grocery.
It's like Doc Schwartz says.
You got to have
a little ambition.
We just watchin' on the news...
how somebody went and snatched
one of them Arizona babies.
HI: Oh, for Christ's sakes.
EVELLE: That's somebody
who's thinking big.
GALE: Here you are
sitting on your butt...
playing house with a--
don't get me wrong--
with a fine woman...
but a woman
who needs a button-down type.
I don't particularly think
that's any of your--
GALE: Hold on, H.I.
Now looky there.
That's a picture of El Dorado.
GALE: The locals call it...
the Farmers & Mechanics Bank
of La Grange.
Looks like a hayseed bank.
To tell you the truth,
it is a hayseed bank...
except the last Friday
of every financial quarter...
there's more cash in that bank
than flies at a barbecue.
Guess what day it is tomorrow?
When all the hayseeds come in...
and cash
their farm subsidies checks.
A-1 information.
Got it in the joint
from Lawrence Spivy...
one of Dick Nixon's
Undersecretary of Agriculture.
He's in for soliciting sex
from a state trooper.
Ordinarily we don't
associate with that type...
but he was trying to make
a few brownie points.
HI: Boys, I can't.
EVELLE: We need someone handy
with a scatter-gun...
to cover them hayseeds
while we get that cash.
GALE: You understand, H.I.?
If this works out,
it's just the beginning...
of a spree to cover
the entire Southwest.
And we keep going
until we can retire...
or we get caught.
Either way,
we're fixed for life.
Boys, this is a kind offer,
if you're suggesting
I just up and leave Ed...
that would be pretty damn
cowardly, wouldn't it?
Would it?
Think about it, H.I.
Seems to me, sitting here,
you ain't doing her any good...
and you ain't bein' true
to your own nature.
HI: "My dearest Edwina...
"tonight as you and Nathan
"my heart is filled
with anguish.
"I hope that you will both
"and forgive me for
what I have decided I must do.
"By the time you read this,
I will be gone.
"I will never be the man
that you want me to be...
"the husband and father
that you and Nathan deserve.
"Maybe it's my upbringing.
"Maybe it's just
that my genes got screwed up.
"I don't know...
"but the events
of the last day...
"have showed amply...
"that I don't have
the strength of character...
"to raise up a family...
"in the manner befitting
a responsible adult.
"I say all this to my shame.
"I will love you always...
"truly and deeply...
"but I fear that if I stay...
"I would only bring
bad trouble...
"on the heads of you
and Nathan Junior.
"I feel the thunder gathering
even now.
"If I leave...
it will leave with me.
"I cannot tarry.
"Better I should go...
"send you money...
"and let you curse my name.
"Your loving...
[ Baby crying ]
Mr.Arizona, he just barged in.
Should I call Dwayne?
NATHAN: Hell, no.
Why wake the security guard?
I'll take care of this.
You got flies.
I doubt it.
This place
is climate-controlled.
All the windows are sealed.
Who the hell are you?
Leonard Smalls.
My friends call me Lenny...
but I got no friends.
Oh, stop. You're gonna
make me bust out cryin'.
Leonard, you want
some furniture or a shit box...
they're out there
on the sales floor.
SMALLS: I'm not a customer.
I'm a manhunter.
Now, of course, I do hunt babies
on occasion.
I hear you've got one
you can't put your hand to.
What do you know about it?
SMALLS: That's my business.
I'm a tracker.
Some say part hound dog.
When some dink busts
out of the joint, skips bail...
I'm the one they call.
NATHAN: Mister...
I got the cops,
state troopers, Federal B.I...
already looking for my boy.
Now, if you got information--
Cops won't find your boy.
A cop couldn't find his butt
if he had a bell on it.
You want to find an outlaw,
you call an outlaw.
You want to find
a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
Smalls, first off, get your
damn feet off my furniture!
Second off, it's widely known...
I posted a twenty-five-grand
reward for my boy.
Now, if you can find him,
claim it.
Short of that...
what have we got to talk about?
Price...fair price.
It's not what you say it is.
It's what the market will bear.
Simple economics.
Other people--
and mind you, I know them--
that'll pay more than $25,000
for a healthy baby.
What are you after?
SMALLS: Give you an idea.
Why, as a pup, I myself fetched
$30,000 on the black market--
them was 1954 dollars.
Now, for fifty grand,
I'll track him.
I'll find him.
[ Buzz buzz ]
Them people that took him...
I'll kick their butts.
No extra charge.
And if I don't pay?
I'll get the boy, regardless...
but if you don't pay...
the market will.
You want to know what I think?
I think you're an evil man.
I think this is nothing
but a goddamn screw job.
I think it's a shakedown.
I think you're the one
that took Nathan Junior...
and you're the one that's
gonna get his butt kicked.
I'm gonna phone the cops
right now.
GALE: Up and at 'em!
Today's the first day
of the rest of your life.
Already you're messing it up.
Missis gonna be back
from town soon.
Where's the baby?
In the bedroom in his crib.
He's sawin' toothpicks.
He'll be fine.
[ Knock on door ]
GALE: You expecting anyone?
HI: No.
You two stay out of sight.
Mornin', Glen.
I ain't comin' in.
I'll just keep my distance.
I didn't invite you in, Glen.
GLEN: Don't even bother.
First off, you're fired.
And that's official.
I kind of figured that, Glen.
GLEN: That ain't the reason
I come out here.
No. You're in a whole shitload
of trouble!
Why don't you just calm down?
Why don't you just make me?
You know that little baby
you got?
I know what his real name is.
Keep your voice down, Glen.
I'll pitch my voice
wherever I please!
His name ain't Hi Junior
or Ed Junior...
but it's Junior, all right!
It's Nathan Junior!
Stay away from me, McDunnough!
Yeah, you're an awful big man...
when you got something
to clobber a guy with.
I ain't a big man.
GLEN: That's right.
And now, you're at my mercy.
[ Snort ]
I'm your worst nightmare.
I was just gonna turn you in
for the reward...
but Dot wants something
to cuddle.
So we'll call the baby
Glen Junior from now on.
I'll give you a day
to break the news to Ed.
Dot will be around tomorrow
to pick him up.
Either that, or you go to jail.
Say, that reminds me.
You'll be getting a doctor bill
in the mail in a few days.
I recommend you pay it!
[ Buzzards screech ]
HI: What's going on here?
GALE: You know what's going on.
It's just business.
This can go hard or easy, H.I.
[ Scrape ]
GALE: Aaagh!
[ Both screaming ]
[ Clatter ]
EVELLE: My sweet Lord!
GALE: Come on.
GALE SINGING: Comin' round
the mountain when she comes
Oh, when she comes
GALE SINGING: She'll be comin'
round the mountain
When she comes
HI: Honey, there ain't a thing
to be worried about.
We're absolutely
gonna get him back.
We'll get him back.
That's all there is to it.
I'm gonna be a better person
from here on out.
That's final. That's absolutely
the way it's gonna be.
That's official.
You were right, I was wrong.
A blind man could tell you that.
They ain't gonna hurt him.
They're just in it
for the score.
I ain't like that no more.
I'm a changed man.
We got a family. I'm gonna start
acting responsibly.
So let's go, honey.
Let's go get Nathan Junior!
All have chicken and dumplings
GALE SINGING: Yeah, we'll all
have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
EVELLE: Yee-hoo!
I lo-o-ove to drive.
Boy, you sure said
something there, partner.
GALE: Yes, sir.
I figure between the ransom
and this bank...
you and I will be sitting
in the fabled catbird seat.
Junior just had
a--a--an accident.
GALE: What's that, partner?
He had hisself
a little old accident.
What do you mean? He looks OK.
See, moving, though we are...
he went and had hisself
a little old rest stop.
Well, that's natural.
What now, little brother?
He smiled at me.
You smiled at me, you.
Come here. Yeah.
You know how to put these on?
Around the butt
and up over the groin area.
I know where they go, old-timer.
I just want to know whether
I need to use pins or fasteners.
CASHIER: No. They got
those tapettes already on there.
It's self-contained
and fairly explanatory.
EVELLE: Uh-huh.
These blow up into funny shapes?
Well, no, unless round is funny.
EVELLE: I'll take those, too.
All right, now!
Now, you just lie down
back there, old-timer.
Yes, sir!
I want you to count up to
eight hundred twenty-five...
then on back down to zero.
CASHIER: OK, then.
I'm comin' back in five...
and check to see
that you ain't cheatin'.
EVELLE: Open the door!
GALE: He's real cheerful
once he warms up to you.
EVELLE: I don't know how high
this one can count.
CASHIER: Six Mississippi...
seven Mississippi...
eight Mississippi...
nine Mississippi...
Got some baby grub, baby wipes.
Got them diapers,
them disposable kind.
I got me a packet of balloons.
They blow up into funny shapes?
No. Just circular.
Say...where's Junior?
- Didn't you put him in?
- I thought--
GALE: Where did we leave him?
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
GALE: Aaah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aaa!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- My baby!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
CASHIER: Eight hundred one
Eight hundred Mississippi...
- Aah...
- Aah...
- Aah!
- Junior!
- Aah! Aah!
- We're on the way!
CASHIER: Seven hundred
and ninety-one...
Aw, bullshit!
- Aah!
- Aah!
CASHIER: Seven hundred
and ninety-aught Mississippi...
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
CASHIER: Seven hundred
eighty-seven Mississippi...
EVELLE: Oh, baby!
Oh, baby.
CASHIER: Seven hundred
eighty-five Mississippi...
EVELLE: Promise we ain't never
gonna leave him, Gale.
GALE: We ain't never gonna
give him up again, Evelle.
He's our little Gale Junior now.
I realize...
I can't be much
of a comfort to you now...
but let me just say this.
You'll feel a whole lot better--
- I don't want to feel better.
- Honey.
I don't care about myself
I don't care about us anymore.
I just want Nathan Junior
back safe.
I know that.
ED: If we don't get him back,
I don't want to go on living.
Even if we do get him back,
I don't want to live with you.
I--I guess I still love you, Hi.
I--I know I do.
I ain't even blamin' you.
The whole thing was crazy,
and the whole thing was my idea.
I bear a large percentage--
Let me finish.
Ever since those jailbirds
took Nathan...
I been doin' some thinkin',
and I ain't too proud of myself.
Even if Mrs.Arizona had more
than she could handle...
I was a police officer
sworn to uphold...
the Constitution
of the United States.
You resigned before we ever--
ED: That ain't the point, Hi.
We don't deserve
Nathan Junior...
any more than
those jailbirds do.
If I'm as selfish
and irresponsible as you--
You're not that bad.
If I'm as bad as you,
what good are we to each other?
You and me's
just a fool's paradise.
- There she is.
- Yep.
GALE: Well, let's do her.
EVELLE: What are we gonna do
with Gale Junior?
GALE: He stays here.
EVELLE: Are you crazy?
Suppose we go in there
and get ourselves killed?
It would be hours
before he gets discovered.
GALE: All right, you hayseeds,
it's a stickup!
Everybody freeze.
Everybody down on the ground.
[ Clock ticking ]
Well, which is it, young feller?
You want I should freeze
or get down on the ground?
I mean to say, if'n I freeze,
I can't rightly drop.
If'n I drop,
I'm gonna be in motion.
- Shut up!
- OK, then.
Everybody down on the ground!
EVELLE: Forget that part
about freezing, now.
- Till they get down there.
- Y'all hear that, don't you?
Want to fill this up, partner?
We gotta--Shit!
Where'd all the tellers go?
TELLER: Down here, sir.
They're on the ground
like you commanded, Gale.
I told you not to use
my damn name.
Can't you try to keep
from forgetting that?
EVELLE: Not even your code name?
Oh, yeah, yeah. My code name.
Y'all hear that?
We're using code names.
We're just about ready
to begin the robbery proper!
Hurry up, you dang hayseed!
All right. Now, y'all know
how this here works.
And that hayseed over there
with the red hat...
he's the monitor.
MAN: OK, you betcha.
I want you to stay flat
for ten full minutes!
We might just come back in five
to check.
That's for us to know,
and y'all to find out.
Anyone found bipedal in five
wears his ass for a hat.
- Yee-haw!
- Yee-haw!
EVELLE: Yee-hoo!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Siren ]
That old-timer
threw off my concentration...
it would've gone smoother.
Shoot, Gale, we done good.
This ought to split up nice
three ways.
GALE: God damn it!
You never leave a man behind!
[ Alarm beeps ]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
- Wah!
- Aah!
[ Tires skidding ]
[ Tires screech ]
EVELLE: Ohh...ohh...
- Where's the baby?
- Where's the baby?
GALE: God damn it! Ain't we got
enough to contend with?
EVELLE: I don't know, ma'am.
You never leave a man behind!
EVELLE: Miz McDunnough,
I'm worried sick about him!
GALE: Hold on, H.I.
Don't be such a hothead!
EVELLE: Miz McDunnough!
- Let us come with you!
- Please!
GALE: It's our baby, too!
[ Gunfire ]
[ Siren ]
[ Tires screeching ]
What is he?
Do you see him, too?
HI: Aaaah!
[ Crunch ]
ED: Give me that baby!
I want that baby!
Give me that baby,
you warthog from hell!
[ Coughs ]
MAN: Just lay down on the floor,
young missy.
HI: Run along, now, honey.
ED: But, Hi...
Just run along, now. Whoa!
[ Hi coughs ]
HI: Aah! Ah! Aah!
HI: Oh ho!
Aaah! Ooh!
Aah! Aah! Aah...
[ Hi babbling ]
I'm sorry.
[ Baby cries ]
What the hell's goin' on?
Get away from there!
[ Nathan Junior cooing ]
HI: [ Whispers ] Let's go.
NATHAN: Wait a minute.
I ain't through with you.
What are you doing creeping
around here in the dark?
You in with Smalls?
HI: Excuse me?
Leonard Smalls. Big fella.
Rides a Harley.
Dresses like a rock star.
HI: No, sir.
That's who we saved him from.
It's a long story.
Suppose you tell it.
HI: Well, sir,
in a reward situation...
they usually say
no questions asked.
NATHAN: Oh...do they?
HI: Yeah.
NATHAN: Well...
all right, boy.
I guess you got a reward coming.
Twenty-five thousand dollars...
or...if you need
home furnishings...
I can give you a line of credit
at any of my stores.
That's the way I'd rather
handle it. Tax reasons.
ED: We don't want no reward.
We didn't bring him back
for money.
We could work it that way, too.
ED: Could I just look at him
a little bit more?
Be my guest, little lady.
But, uh...
would--would you mind
telling me exactly how you...
You took him...didn't you?
Wasn't that biker at all.
HI: I took him, sir.
My wife
had nothing to do with it.
I crept in yon window--
ED: We both did it.
We didn't want to hurt him any.
I just wanted to be a mama.
It wasn't for money or nothing.
We just figured you had more
than you could handle, babywise.
But I committed
the actual crime...
so if you need to call
the authorities--
Shut up, boy. Nobody's calling
the authorities...
since there's no harm done.
HI: Thank you, sir.
NATHAN: Bullshit.
Just tell me why you did it.
can't have one of our own.
look, if you can't have kids,
you just got to keep trying...
and hope medical science
catches up with you...
like Florence and me.
Caught up with a vengeance.
But, hell,
even if it never does for you...
you still got each other.
Sir...those are
kind words, but...
I think the wife and I
are splitting up.
Her point is that
we're both kind of...
selfish and unrealistic...
so we ain't too good
for each other.
Well, ma'am,
I don't know much...
but I do know human beings.
You brought back my boy...
so...you must have
your good points, too.
Sure hate to think
of Florence leaving me.
I... do... love her so.
You can go out
the way you came in...
and before you go off and do
another foolish thing...
like bustin' up...
I suggest you sleep on it...
at least one night.
HI: That night I had a dream.
I dreamt I was as light
as the ether...
a floating spirit
visiting things to come.
The shades and shadows
of the people in my life...
rassled their way
into my slumber.
I dreamt that Gale and Evelle
had decided to return to prison.
Probably that's just as well.
I don't mean to sound
and they're
a swell couple guys...
but maybe they weren't ready yet
to come out into the world.
And then I dreamed on...
into the future...
to a Christmas morn
in the Arizona home...
where Nathan Junior
was opening a present...
from a kindly couple...
who preferred to remain unknown.
I saw Glen
a few years later...
still having no luck
getting the cops to listen...
to his wild tales
about me and Ed.
Maybe he threw in
one Polack joke too many.
I don't know.
And still I dreamed on...
further into the future
than I'd ever dreamed before...
watching Nathan Junior's
progress from afar...
taking pride
in his accomplishments...
as if he were our own...
if he ever thought of us...
and hoping maybe we'd broadened
his horizons a little...
even if he couldn't remember
just how they got broadened.
But still I hadn't dreamt
nothing about me and Ed...
until the end.
And this was cloudier...
'cause it was years...
years away...
but I saw an old couple being
visited by their children...
and all
their grandchildren, too.
The old couple
wasn't screwed up...
and neither were their kids
or their grandkids.
And I don't know. You tell me.
This whole dream...
was it wishful thinking?
Was I just fleeing reality
like I know I'm liable to do?
But me and Ed...
we can be good, too.
And it seemed real.
It seemed like us...
and it seemed like...
our home.
If not Arizona,
then a land not too far away...
where all parents are
strong and wise and capable...
and all children
are happy and beloved.
I don't know.
Maybe it was Utah.
[ Man yodeling with banjo ]