Ralph Barbosa: Cowabunga (2023) Movie Script

[electric razor buzzing]
[upbeat jazz music playing]
[scattered cheering]
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat jazz music continues]
Hello, hello.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
What's up?
[audience laughing]
Hell yeah. It's cool to be here.
I appreciate, like, that introduction,
but I'm not high-energy like that, though.
[audience laughing]
I'm very low-energy.
I'm trying to get lower, even.
[audience laughing]
I've been trying to chill lately.
I've been drinking less, yeah.
But... like if I'm with a group of people
that take me to a bar,
then I'll drink, you know. You have to.
You can't be that one person at the bar
without a drink in their hand.
That's weird.
That's like being the one dude
at a kids' soccer game,
and you don't even have a kid.
[audience laughing]
People will stare at you.
They're like, "What do you mean
you just like to be here?"
[audience laughing]
One of my buddies, he quit drinking.
He says his therapist cured him.
He's like, "No, man.
She opened my eyes up to something."
He's like, "If you think about it,
we probably don't even like alcohol."
I was like, "Nah, I like it."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Nah, man,
my therapist put it like this."
Like, "We probably just drink because
of the patterns our fathers set for us,
like how we saw them drinking growing up."
I said, "Bro, I saw that man,
like, twice growing up."
[audience laughing]
"He was sober both times."
[audience laughing]
But I, like, halfway agree
with that little school of thought.
Like, I don't think childhood trauma
makes you turn to alcohol,
but I do think childhood trauma
can make alcohol taste better.
[audience laughing]
Like as a kid,
any time you scored a touchdown
at one of your Little League games
and your dad wasn't there to see it,
your taste buds probably shifted
just a little bit.
[audience laughing]
And with every first down,
they just kept shifting and shifting.
That's why whenever I see somebody
take a shot of whiskey
without making a face, I'm like,
"Damn. He didn't even have no dad."
[audience laughing]
I'm trying to drink less. Trying to take
better care of my health, you know?
I was even smoking cigarettes
for a little bit. I stopped that.
I know it's unhealthy,
but I started 'cause
I saw somebody smoking and talking,
and they look so cool, you know?
You ever see somebody smoke and talk?
Whatever they're saying,
you just go with it.
They don't even have to say real words.
They just gotta, like...
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Bro, he's so right."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I know... I know it's unhealthy,
but all those health risks,
and the warnings they give you,
that's what pushed me over the edge
to try them in the first place.
I was reading that little box
of cigarettes.
It was like, "Warning...
tobacco may increase the risk
of infertility, low birth weight,"
and so on and so on.
But the beginning is what got me.
I was like, "Infertility..."
[audience laughing]
In my mind, I'm like,
"Damn, so I look cool as hell
and I don't have to use condoms anymore?"
[audience laughing]
I'll be about to hook up with a girl,
and she's like, "Do you have protection?"
I'm like... [inhales]
[audience laughing]
"Just hit this, baby."
[audience laughing]
First time I tried it, I only...
I only tried it 'cause I wanted to do,
like, the flicky thing.
[audience laughing]
That's the coolest part about it.
I was outside the bar,
and I feel... I feel like I nailed it.
I put that cigarette in my mouth,
I lit it, I took that first hit,
I was like... [inhales]
[exhales slowly]
- [exhales forcefully]
- [audience laughing]
Even people that were driving by
were like, "Oh shit!"
But anybody who was like a real smoker
saw me throw it away
was like, "Yo, dumbass,
that's a full cigarette. What the..."
[audience laughing]
But nah, man,
I'm trying to be a little healthier.
I had a water today.
[audience chuckling]
Yeah. It's a lifestyle.
[audience laughing]
Nah, I never... I never drink water.
I drink a lot of soda.
I don't like when healthy people find out
that they drink more water than I do.
'Cause you can see it in their face.
They immediately start feeling superior.
Whenever somebody finds out
they drink more water than you,
they start talking to you
like if they get laid more than you.
They say cocky shit.
Say shit like,
"You haven't had any water today?"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "No."
They're like... [scoffs] "Fuckin' up."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, it's just cooler to be healthy, man.
It's, like, in style to drink water,
and I don't like it.
- [audience laughing]
- This is out of hand, man.
It's gotten to the point
that people will judge you, even,
just based off of
the brand of water you drink.
I had a FIJI Water
at the barbershop the other day.
Everybody was like, "You like that one?"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Nah."
[audience laughing]
I didn't even know what I did wrong.
I was like, "Nah, I don't like it."
[audience laughing]
"I was just holding onto it
for this girl I have sex with sometimes."
[audience laughing]
I don't know which one
the "cool" water is to drink.
I know which one the lame one is.
It's the one that I like.
I like drinking Dasani.
[audience laughing]
- [scattered boos]
- Yeah. Didn't I tell you they judge?
[audience laughing]
Dasani takes me back to my childhood.
Dasani's the only water
that tastes like outside water hose.
[audience laughing]
Tastes like manguera.
[audience laughing and cheering]
I don't even care if I'm inside, man.
I'll buy me a bottle, I open it up,
and I drink it like this.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Trying to take care of my vision.
I got glasses.
I don't... I don't need 'em too much.
I need 'em to, like, drive at night.
For some reason,
once it gets dark outside,
I just can't see
little things on the road,
like innocent pedestrians and...
[audience laughing]
But I don't like to wear 'em, man.
Some people can rock glasses.
I tried, like,
all the different glasses, and...
I don't know. They all look lame on me.
I feel real dorky.
My biggest fear
is that I will wear them while I drive,
and then I'll crash, and...
[audience laughing]
...paramedics will find my body and be like,
"Aw, man.
We have one dead nerd over here."
[audience laughing]
"Let's get this lame ass on a stretcher."
[audience laughing]
If I ever crash and die,
I hope they don't even find my car.
It's dirty. It's embarrassing.
[audience laughing]
I got, like, half-empty bottles of soda,
a basketball,
one brand-new,
never-opened box of condoms...
[audience laughing]
They find my body in my car,
they'll be like,
"Man, this dude
was one dehydrated virgin."
[audience laughing]
I could clean it, but I'm too lazy.
Instead, what I did
is I got that box of condoms,
there was like three in there,
I threw two of them away.
Now if they find my body in there,
they're gonna be like, "This guy...
he was all right."
[audience laughing]
[woman cheers]
Yeah, man.
I've been, uh, I've been seeing somebody.
It's going really good.
I haven't been
in a relationship for a while,
and I'm realizing
how jealous of a dude I am.
I was asking my girl, I was like,
"Have you ever gone skydiving before?"
She was like, "Yeah, I went skydiving...
with my ex-boyfriend."
I didn't need that extra information...
[audience laughing]
...like, at all.
And in my mind, all I heard was, like,
"Yeah, I went skydiving before."
"Also, just as a reminder,
I used to fuck somebody else."
[audience laughing and applauding]
But it... [chuckles]
It's 'cause she never gets jealous.
She doesn't understand jealousy, man.
She got a... She's got a healthy mindset.
Her parents...
[audience laughing]
Her parents have
a real healthy relationship.
She said growing up,
her parents never once argued
in front of her and her siblings.
They'd go to another room if they had to,
but never in front of the kids.
I... I was raised by my grandparents,
and I'm convinced that they would wait
till got home from school...
[audience laughing]
They were like,
"He needs to hear this, goddammit."
[audience laughing]
Nah, I'm...
I'm kidding.
My grandparents never... spoke English.
[audience laughing]
Man, she's cool, man, she's cool.
Her family's real religious.
My girlfriend always wants us
to pray before we eat
so that we could show
that we're thankful for things, you know?
Which, I agree.
I'll pray for things I'm thankful for.
I don't wanna pray before every meal,
but I'll pray before things
that I'm really thankful for.
Like sex.
[audience laughing]
She's like, "You're more thankful for sex
than for food?"
[blows air]
[audience laughing]
I was like, "I mean..."
[audience laughing]
"I never went six months
without eating before."
[raucous laughter and applause]
[audience cheering]
I didn't starve through high school.
[audience laughing]
She wants us to go to church,
but I don't even know
if I'm that religious.
Like, I'm one of those people,
like, I believe in God,
but I don't go to church, you know?
I think there's a lot of us like that,
that we believe...
We don't have to go to church,
but as long as we're just good enough,
God will still let us into heaven.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Yeah, 'cause in my mind,
God is like
those police captains in the movies.
He's like,
"Mm, you don't play it by the book,
but you're a good detective, goddammit.
You're in."
[audience laughing]
And I'm just at the gates,
like, "Thanks, Chief."
[audience laughing]
I just... I just don't like
going to church, man.
I don't like the people there.
People at church
have, like, co-worker vibes.
[audience laughing]
Like, some of them are cool,
but most of them, you know,
they're just being fake nice
'cause they want that promotion.
[audience laughing]
I don't know. I've never liked the people
at the churches that I've gone to, man.
If those are the people that
are gonna be hanging out in heaven,
I just... I'll just go to hell.
[audience laughing]
But yeah, no,
relationship's been going good, you know.
I would like to settle down, man,
you know, 'cause I really like girls.
I've been liking them
a long time now, actually.
[audience laughing]
I think I have
lots of good traits about me.
Like I'm a really good kisser.
I'm bad at sex, but I'm a good kisser.
[audience laughing]
I'm like a really cool movie trailer
to a really bad movie.
[audience laughing]
And, like, I know I'm good,
'cause when I'm kissing girls,
they almost start to moan.
They're like... [moaning]
[audience laughing]
But then we have sex,
and they're like... [questioning moan]
[audience laughing and applauding]
But whatever. I have fun.
[audience laughing]
When they do like it, I'm like,
"You don't know what good is, do you?"
[audience laughing]
Like, "You have bad taste.
I can't be with you."
[audience laughing]
But I think
I have lots of good traits, man.
Like I don't have
that old-school mentality,
that old-school way of thinking,
where they say the woman is the one
who has to do the cooking
and have dinner ready every night,
and only she does the dishes,
only she cleans the house,
only she does the laundry.
I don't think that way.
I just want a girl...
who does think that way.
[audience laughing]
I'm... I'm much more progressive than that.
But if my wife isn't, I just have
to love and support her, you know?
[audience laughing]
I used to, like, sit and wonder,
like, who would my dream girl be?
And I love cars. I really like cars.
And I would always envision
my dream girl would be a girl
who races cars, illegally.
[audience laughing]
'Cause that's the hot part, you know?
It'd probably be even hotter
if she was also illegal.
[audience laughing]
'Cause when she's speeding,
she's really risking it.
[audience laughing]
I'd like a girl who, she drives,
she takes the wheel, you know?
I wanna be passenger prince for once.
[audience laughing]
I would love to be with a girl who,
she's like,
she's leaning on her car, you know...
she's chillin', all badass.
[audience laughing and applauding]
And her enemies are rolling up on us.
She's like, "Ralph."
I'm back here, I pump the shotgun like...
[mimics shotgun loading] "Here you go."
[audience laughing]
That's 'cause, like, I see those movies
like Fast and the Furious and all those,
there's always the main dude.
He's the driver, he's the fighter,
he's the shooter, you know.
And then there's always
the girl riding passenger.
She has his back. She's ride or die.
I'm like, "Man, I'd like to be
like that girl, but to my girl."
[audience laughing]
I can already envision,
like, my dream life
with my dream girl.
It's late at night,
my window's cracked open,
little breeze coming in.
I'm already laying in bed,
'cause I'm not even
expecting to go out, even.
[audience laughing]
And then from down the street,
like, getting closer and closer,
I can just hear...
[mimicking engine roaring]
[audience laughing]
I get up, I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's here."
[audience laughing]
Start putting on deodorant.
[audience laughing]
She texts me, she's like, "I'm outside."
I'm like, "I know. My dad heard you."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
And my girl, she's gonna pull up
in something nice, man.
Something real car enthusiasts
can respect.
Not your average Honda, Charger, nah.
She's pullin' up,
like, in the Nissan Skyline.
[audience laughing]
She drives the R34 version.
She... she has the other versions too,
but tonight,
she brought this one out for me.
[audience laughing]
She picks me up.
She's driving, 'cause I'm progressive.
[audience laughing]
And, you know, she just takes us
cruising through the city.
She's showing the car off, showing me off...
[audience laughing]
I'm riding passenger,
I'm taking Boomerangs...
[audience laughing]
I'm in there like...
[raucous laughter and applause]
[audience cheering]
I'm posting them on my Instagram story,
like "Date night."
[audience laughing]
All my boys are replying to the story,
like, "I love this for y'all."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Thanks, bro.
We gotta get together soon."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Bitch, I've been sayin'."
[audience laughing]
But I don't hang out with him. He's fake.
[audience laughing]
Anyway... now it's later in the night,
she's... she's taking me home.
I was supposed to be home
a long time ago, but, ah.
[audience laughing]
My dad doesn't own me.
[audience laughing]
On the way home,
we stop at this red light.
And it's empty.
There's no other cars there. It's just us.
And my girl gives me this look.
She's like...
I'm like, "What the hell?"
I'm like,
"Does she want me to give her head?"
[audience laughing]
"Are all women like this?"
[audience laughing]
But nah, she was just trying to show off.
She gave me that look,
and then she started revving the engines.
[mimicking engine revving]
I'm like, "Babe, stop."
[audience laughing]
But that's baby.
She loves to flex, you know?
[audience laughing]
I say "stop," but I like it.
[audience laughing]
Then all of a sudden,
just as I began to give her head...
[audience laughing]
...this douchey-type girl
pulls up next to us in her car.
And she's pretty, and her car's all right.
Just not as cool as my girl's, you know...
She's driving, like, a 2008 Mustang.
[audience laughing]
'Cause that year,
they didn't even make 'em in 5.0s.
She's drivin' a 4.6.
But she has 5.0 energy.
I'll give her that much.
She pulls up next to us,
she's looking at our rims,
she's lookin' inside our car...
undressing me with her eyes.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Man, she ain't got no respect."
[audience laughing]
And my girl doesn't like that.
No, sir. Not one bit.
[audience laughing]
But my girl keeps it cool.
She keeps her composure, you know?
My girl just looks at her,
and then she looks at me...
And if you're wondering why she's driving
but looking this way at me,
it's 'cause the Nissan Skyline has
the driver's seat on the opposite side.
It's a Japanese car.
She got it imported from Japan.
My girl has money.
[audience laughing and applauding]
She looks at me, and I just
look back at my girl like... [scoffs]
"Kick her ass, babe."
[audience laughing]
And I say I'm loyal, but honestly,
whoever wins that race, they could get it.
[audience laughing]
But, yeah,
I was raised by my grandparents.
[audience laughing]
Which is cool.
I'd see my parents too.
They just had a lot going on.
They had crazy lives.
My mom had a boyfriend I remember
that went to prison for selling dope,
and she wanted to let me know,
but she didn't want to tell a little kid
the cold, hard truth,
so she told me like a sugar-coated truth.
She was like, "Hey, listen,
Martin is gonna be away for a little while
because he was caught
with moon rocks from the moon."
[audience laughing]
She's like, "Those are illegal on Earth.
They're these little white rocks..."
"They don't want them on the planet, so...
so the government is sending him
on a mission to the moon
to return the rocks."
She said, "I don't know
if you learned about this in school yet,
but it takes, like, two years
just to get to the moon,
about two years to get back,
just depending on his behavior..."
[audience laughing]
She's like, "Martin's gonna be gone
at least four to five."
Which I believed, but at the same time,
even in my little-kid mind,
I'm like, "Man. You know, I thought
to be an astronaut in the States,
you had to know English."
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"Martin is flying a spaceship?"
[audience laughing]
"I have to help that man
order Chinese food."
[audience laughing]
So I was like, you know what?
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Next time I see my dad,
I'm gonna tell him
this whole Martin story.
He'll tell me if it's real or not.
Or, you know,
he'll tell me what it really means
'cause he has no reason to lie.
He doesn't even know Martin.
I didn't know that during these times,
my dad was also
a "pharmaceutical salesman."
[audience laughing]
So when I told him about Martin,
he just got real agitated.
He was like, "Sometimes people gotta
go to the moon, man. It happens."
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"Damn. Are you gonna go to the moon?"
[audience laughing]
He was like,
"Nah, I'm not stupid, like Martin."
[audience laughing and applauding]
But that messed me up
so much in school, man,
'cause they used to tell you,
"You work hard, get good grades,
you can do anything you want.
Even be an astronaut."
And I was like, "Ahh."
[audience laughing]
"I'm no dumbass."
[audience laughing]
But, yeah, my dad would pick me up.
He always had me looking nice.
He'd buy me tons of shoes.
I didn't know that the shoes
were funded by drug money, but...
it definitely explains why every pair
came with a guilt trip.
I think my dad felt so guilty
about how he got the money
that anything he bought me,
he'd put a tremendous amount
of pressure on me
to, like, appreciate it
and take care of it.
Be trying on shoes at the store,
he's like, "You like those?
They fit? Those the ones you want?"
I'm like,
"Yeah, Dad, I love these. Thank you."
He's like, "You sure?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I like these."
He's like, "All right."
"'Cause a lot of people had to suffer
just for you to get those."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Suffer? What the...?"
[audience laughing]
I didn't know what he was talking about.
I was just walking up
to Foot Locker employees
like, "Hey, I'm...
sorry for your pain, bro."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know what happens
when y'all walk back there,
but be careful."
[audience laughing]
Now I think because of all that,
I'm, like, addicted to shoes, man.
I love sneakers, you know?
They give me tons of confidence.
A brand-new pair of Nikes
will have me forgetting I'm only 5'7".
[audience laughing]
I'll start walking up to tall girls
at the bar, like, "What's up, shorty?"
[audience laughing]
I'll be like, "Hey, come here.
I have to tell you something."
[audience laughing]
Any time I'm feeling bad,
I'll go buy me some news shoes.
I just think retail therapy works, man.
I think retail therapy
works better than actual therapy.
You go to a therapist,
spend 200-300 bucks an hour,
to talk to one,
and you'll feel better for a little bit,
but you know you'll go home,
you'll look in the mirror,
you're still ugly.
[audience laughing]
But retail therapy,
you look better, you feel better...
Sometimes you don't even
have to spend money.
Next time you're feeling down,
just go to the mall.
Salespeople will lift you up
better than any therapist.
[audience laughing]
I was walking through the mall
a few months back.
I was all, like, moping.
This dude just runs up on me
with a back massager, puts it to my back.
He's like, "My man, my man.
Are you a hard worker?"
"You're a hard worker, right?"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Honestly... I'm not."
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Nah, you're a hard worker.
I can see it in you."
I was like, "All right. Yeah."
[audience laughing]
"I see it a little bit too now. Yeah."
[audience laughing]
Day's turning around.
He was like, "What you do is you tell
your girl about these back massagers,
you tell her how hard you've been working,
and she'll come up here and buy you one."
And I was just being honest at the time,
I was like, "I don't have a girl."
He was like...
"But you're gonna get a girl, man.
I know you will."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Dude, I've known you
like 30 seconds,
but I wish you could have been my dad."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding and cheering]
But, yeah, man, for me,
the therapy's always been the shoes.
Every new pair of shoes I buy
feels like it's fixing
another emotional issue I have.
Like these Nikes I'm wearing right now,
I was lacing them up,
I was like, "Man, these are fresh
right here. Hell yeah."
"So what if my dad's
on the moon right now."
[audience laughing]
Nah, he landed.
[audience laughing]
Living with my dad,
we live out in the country, which is nice.
There's, like, a pond in our backyard.
I've never lived near a pond.
I never had a pond to go to.
And I didn't even think
I'd like it that much.
Sometimes when I'm bored,
I go out to the pond to, you know...
[audience laughing]
That joke is real funny to me
'cause you paid money for it.
[raucous laughter]
Nah, but seriously,
you ever stare at a pond?
You'll get stuck staring at it.
It's like a reflection to your own soul.
You can lie to yourself.
You can't lie to the pond.
[audience laughing]
I was staring at it
for, like, 30 minutes one time
before I finally snapped out of it.
I was like, "Oh damn...
she's cheating on me."
[audience laughing]
I think my favorite part
about living in the country
is, like, driving to the country,
'cause the roads are real empty.
It's real dark at night. You can see
the stars shining really bright.
That's like the perfect time,
on those late-night drives,
it's the perfect time
to, like, turn up a little music,
spark up a little joint.
It's so chill. It's so relaxing.
But the police will ruin it.
[audience laughing]
This cop started driving behind me,
I got nervous,
I put my joint out,
I put two hands on the wheel...
Then I was like,
"Nah, too suspicious. Play it cool."
[audience laughing]
But I got nervous.
We're in the middle of nowhere,
he was following me for 20 minutes,
I'm paranoid, I'm high. I'm like,
"Is he gonna pull me over? Is he not?"
And then I got this genius idea.
[scattered laughter]
I scooted over to my left lane,
I slowed down a little bit,
and then I got behind him.
[audience laughing]
You ever drive behind a cop?
It's a different energy.
When he was behind me,
I was too nervous to smoke,
but when I got behind him,
I sparked that bitch back up.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
I was like...
[inhales] "Where you gonna go?"
[audience laughing]
"You're in my world now."
I started yelling out
Denzel lines from Training Day.
I was like,
"Officer Hoyt, it's not what you know,
it's what you can prove."
[audience laughing]
He was scared, man. I could tell
he was shook by the way he was driving.
[audience laughing]
Like, "Why you swerving like that, man?"
He tried going to his left lane,
I was like, "Uh-uh. I know that one."
[audience laughing]
I wasn't gonna let him get away.
I wanted him to feel the fear that I felt.
He tried getting off the highway,
I'm like...
[scoffs] "That's my exit too. Let's go."
[audience laughing]
He did a U-turn. I was like,
"Yeah, I did forget something, actually."
[audience laughing]
I followed him
all the way back into the city.
He took a left, I took a left.
He took a right, I took a right.
I'm like, "Where you goin', man?
You gotta run out of gas eventually."
I had another joint ready.
I'd never run out of gas.
[raucous laughter and applause]
And just as I was about to spark it,
he put his signal light on.
I was like, "Where we going?"
And I look, it was the police station.
I was like,
"Fuck, it's a trap, it's a trap."
[audience laughing]
He was two steps ahead the whole time.
[audience chuckling]
No, but it's nice living out there.
I do get bored sometimes.
I bought a PlayStation 5.
I like it a lot. I went a long time
without having a PlayStation.
I had the PlayStation 4
like a long time ago,
back before smart TVs were really around.
So I really depended on it.
But I had sold it to take a girl out.
[audience chuckles]
Yeah. Which kind of worked out.
She came back to my house.
She was like, "You wanna watch Netflix?"
I was like, "Yeah, I... I would like to."
[audience laughing]
She was like, "You don't have, like,
a PlayStation or an Xbox? Put it on."
I was like, "Nah, you don't wanna
just watch the news?"
[audience laughing]
But yeah, man. I love that PlayStation 5.
I like playing fighting games,
like Mortal Kombat, man.
I'm good at fighting games.
- Real life, not so much. But on the games...
- [audience laughing]
I like playing with my cousins a lot.
I hang out
with my older cousin Carlos a lot.
But he's, like, too thug for video games.
He's got too much of a temper, you know?
He can't take a loss.
I was whooping him on Mortal Kombat,
and he threw my controller.
He's like, "Man, fuck this game.
Hit me in real life."
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
I was like, "Bro, go back to jail."
[audience laughing]
Anytime we go to bars,
he's always starting bar fights.
Which, honestly, I like.
It's a win-win for me.
'Cause if he wins the fight,
I could just go up to girls like...
[blows air] "That's just how we do."
[audience laughing]
"We're related, so I could also do that."
[audience chuckling]
If somebody tries to fight me,
he'll stop it.
He won't let anybody touch me, man.
He's very protective.
There was one time
I got into a fight at a bar
and he tried to come save me,
but we got surrounded by a crowd.
He couldn't get through. He was trying
to coach me from behind the crowd.
He's like, "Ralph, you've gotta slip
the jab, bob, weave."
But I didn't know what any of that meant,
so I was getting whooped the whole time.
[audience laughing]
Then he put it into terms
I could understand.
He was like,
"L1, square, square, triangle."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
He was like,
"Now do L1, R1 at the same time."
I was like, "Hadouken!"
[audience laughing and cheering]
No, but...
I'm too friendly to start bar fights, man.
When I go to bars, I walk around
with Starbursts in my pocket.
You don't want to fight that guy.
[audience laughing]
This girl at a bar hit on me one time.
I was talking to her
and her boyfriend came up to us.
He was like,
"Yo, yo, yo. What the fuck is this?"
I was like, "Hey."
[audience laughing and applauding]
He took a strawberry,
he was like, "All right, all right."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Whew."
I've been fortunate enough
to get to travel a little bit,
which is cool.
I took a $25 bus ride
from Dallas to Houston one time.
It was like a four-hour drive.
I remember thinking, "Man, 25 bucks
and they take you to a whole other city?"
"That's a great deal."
Then the driver started screaming at us.
[audience laughing]
I started to understand
the pricing a little more.
[audience laughing]
He was like, "Two things
before we get going on this drive
I wanna make very clear."
"One... there's no smoking
of any kind on my bus."
"Do not smoke.
I don't care who you are. No smoking."
I was like, "All right."
[blows air]
[audience laughing]
He's like, "Second...
nobody gets naked on my bus."
[audience laughing]
That's when I was like, "Ahh."
"I overpaid for this trip."
[audience laughing]
He scared the hell out of me
when he said that
because there was only
three of us on the bus.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Sir, do you know these two?"
[audience laughing]
Then I felt offended with them,
because what look do the three of us have
that when this man saw us,
he was just like, "Mm-mm."
[audience laughing]
"These are some little sluts right here."
[audience laughing]
"I better make an announcement."
[audience laughing]
Like, "I... I'm grown, man.
You don't have to tell me to not get...
to not get naked on a bus.
I'm not just gonna do that."
That's what I told myself.
[audience laughing]
But I'll be honest.
Like 20 minutes into that ride,
I was sitting there like,
"Don't... Don't get naked on the bus?"
[audience laughing]
I look back at those other two guys,
I was like, "Hey, he...
he can't tell us
what to do with our bodies."
[audience laughing]
One thing I like about traveling
is going to different cities
and trying, like, the junk food
that's famous out of that city.
But, like, their local stuff.
You know, from the hole-in-the-wall,
family-owned type businesses.
That's where the best junk food
always comes from.
I've also noticed
that every city's the same
in the fact that the best junk food
always comes from
the ghettoest neighborhoods.
It's weird. It's like the more people
that have been shot in a place,
the better the food gets.
I don't even think it's anything
they do to the food in particular.
I think it's just the fear.
Like, knowing you can get shot
at any second,
it makes you savor it more.
You're like, "This might be my last."
[audience chuckling]
Sometimes I'll be having so much fun,
I'll drop my guard,
and then I'll eat food that's so good,
it'll remind me to stay on my toes.
You know, it's like 2:00 a.m.,
you leave the bar,
you go to some late-night burger spot...
You're just like,
"Damn, this burger's good."
"A little too good."
[audience laughing]
Any time I'm in a different city
and wanna look for something good to eat,
I never go on, like, Yelp or TikTok.
I just... I just watch the news.
I wait for them to be like,
"Local man shot at taco stand tonight."
I'm like, "That's the spot."
[audience laughing]
I'll go that same night.
'Cause you know
there's not gonna be a line.
[audience laughing]
I'll go up there like,
"Yo, is this where that guy was shot?"
"Whatever he had, I want six of those."
[audience laughing]
Or I'll go to, like,
the corporate junk food places too.
I just don't like
when their customer service is too good.
Like, if I go to somewhere
where I'm not spending that much money,
and they're being super nice to me,
it gets uncomfortable.
Like... like at those Chick-fil-As,
[audience laughing]
I'm just like, "All right.
Thank you for my chicken sandwich."
"It's my pleasure."
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing]
"This is what does it for you?"
[audience laughing]
I'm like,
"You can have it back. I'm not even..."
[audience laughing]
- "I'm not even hungry anymore."
- [audience laughing]
It only makes sense
when they treat you like that
at the expensive, fancy restaurants.
Those places where the more
money you spend, the nicer they get.
Especially the service
in those places, man.
When they're trying to earn a fat tip,
they'll be so nice to you,
you almost feel like they're trying
to have sex with you a little bit.
You'll be like, "Yo, can you bring us
another round of drinks
and another order of that appetizer?"
They're like,
"Yeah, of course. That's a smart choice."
"You're a wise man,
and you have kind eyes."
[audience laughing]
I'm a sucker for it too.
I'll be like, "Yeah, I do all right."
[audience laughing]
"Here's more gratuity."
It's not like that with fast food.
With fast food, it's like the more
food I order, the madder they get.
[audience laughing]
We were on our way to a house party once,
and we stopped at a McDonald's
and ordered 100 McChickens.
I could see the cook behind the counter.
He had this look on his face
where you could tell he...
he didn't wanna have sex with me at all.
[audience laughing]
I took one look at that man,
I was like, "He is not horny."
[audience laughing]
My first job was at a restaurant.
When I was 12 years old,
I was a dishwasher
at a Mexican seafood restaurant.
Yeah. My grandma wanted me
to stay busy on the weekends.
But I was just like, "Man, you...
You know there's, like, basketball...
soccer," you know?
She was like, "That stuff costs money,
this makes money. You gotta think."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, every Saturday and Sunday
from 10:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.,
little 12-year-old me
washing dishes, you know?
It wasn't that bad.
My coworker... that dude, he was 11.
[audience laughing]
I was his supervisor.
[audience laughing]
I remember my first weekend there,
the older Mexican dudes got mad
'cause I kept changing the radio.
I couldn't get motivated
to the songs that they work to, man.
Old Mexican dudes work their ass off
to the most lovey-dovey music
all day at work.
Which is wild 'cause right after work,
they go home
and treat their women like shit.
[raucous laughter]
I remember one of the guys there,
he invited us to a cookout at his house,
and it was wild to see him go
from chopping onions at work, like,
Sabes que me gustas tanto
And then that same night,
he's yelling at his wife like...
"Pendeja, vete para adentro."
I felt so bad for her. I was like,
"Oh my God. He's a sweetheart to us."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Maybe you should
get a job with us, lady."
[audience laughing]
"Could save your marriage."
I kept changing the radio,
and he screamed at me.
He's like, "No toques el radio.
Don't touch the radio."
I was like, "Whoa, damn."
And then the next day,
I didn't talk, I didn't touch the radio.
Just washed dishes all day.
At the end of the night,
did a deep cleaning
of the whole restaurant,
and when the older Mexican dudes
were done,
they sat on these boxes
in the middle of the kitchen,
just talking, drinking.
But I kept looking for things to clean.
I wanted to get back in their good graces
and show them I'm a good kid,
I'm a hard worker.
And then the one who screamed at me,
he called me over. He was like... [whistles]
[audience chuckling]
I went over there,
and he got up off the box
and he pulled out a beer.
He was like, "Quiere una cerveza?"
He was offering me a beer.
But I'm 12.
[audience laughing]
So I was like, "Okay."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Noms dos."
[audience laughing]
"Maana tengo escuela."
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applauding]
For any of my
non-Spanish-speaking friends,
I basically let him know two is my cap
'cause I have school tomorrow.
[audience laughing]
No offense, but I don't wanna
work here the rest of my life with y'all.
[audience laughing]
But he gave me that beer,
and I felt so cool, man.
I got my beer, I'm hanging out
with the adults, listening to them talk.
I wanted to talk too, but I couldn't
find anything that I could relate to
so I could pitch in.
You know, they're talking about
grown-people stuff,
like their kids, their bills, their wives.
Like, "Ay, mi pinche vieja, gey."
[audience laughing]
But I tried my best to relate, man.
I took a swig of my beer,
I was like, "Mm."
"Yeah, my girl might be trippin', bro."
[raucous laughter]
I was like, "She never believes me.
I take showers!"
[audience laughing]
That's when I was 12.
By the time I was 13,
I was tired... tired of working for the man.
Started cutting hair out of my bedroom.
The only way you can learn to cut hair
is by practicing on people.
And none of my friends
wanted to let me practice on them.
But, thankfully for me, all my friends
were just poor enough...
[audience laughing]
...they had no choice
but to let me practice on them.
[audience laughing]
A lot of them had single moms
and a lot of siblings.
Their moms couldn't afford
to take them and their brothers
to a real barbershop.
So they'll bring them to me,
I'll cut their hair for free,
and then their moms, to help me,
would post the pictures on Facebook.
Like, "I keep my baby looking fresh."
[audience chuckling]
Yeah. Since 13,
I've been empowering these ghetto queens.
[audience laughing and cheering]
It's just that sometimes,
they would get too personal
with the posts.
Post the pictures of the cuts,
they'd be like, "I keep my babies
nice, fresh, and clean-cut,
and I do it on my own.
No man paid for this."
I'd be in the comments like,
"Yeah, if anybody else
needs a free haircut..."
[audience laughing]
"...come to my grandma's."
[audience laughing]
Cutting hair from home is how I realized
my grandma didn't care about my safety.
[audience laughing]
There used to be grown men covered
in tattoos showing up at my doorstep,
like, "Is little Ralphie here?"
She'd be like,
"Yeah, he's in that room, by himself."
[audience laughing]
She even would
leave me alone with them sometimes.
I saw her pulling out the driveway,
and I ran out there, I was like,
"Grandma, what are you doing?"
"There's an adult in there."
She was like, "Yeah, he'll watch you.
I'll be right back."
[audience laughing]
Sometimes I'd mess up on these haircuts,
and I would have these grown-ass men
just screaming at me
in my little 13-year-old bedroom.
As soon as I'd give them the mirror.
"Hey, let me see."
"Goddamn. What the fuck, dumbass?"
Like, "You don't know what you're doing.
You don't know how to cut no hair."
But I would always tell them
the same thing.
"I'm 13. Why would you let me do this?"
[audience laughing and applauding]
And then I'd go off on them.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "You walked into a room
covered in Dragon Ball Z posters..."
[audience laughing]
"...and you really expected a quality cut
from a dude who's never even
seen titties in real life."
[audience laughing]
I said, "No, sir.
You don't know what you're doing."
[audience laughing]
"Grandma, escort this gentleman
out the door."
[raucous laughter and applause]
But yeah, man.
[audience chuckling]
I love... I love being able
to travel now, you know?
It's opened my mind to a lot of things.
I didn't realize this,
but I take some things for granted
that people in other places,
they'd appreciate more.
And vice versa.
I was in Canada awhile back,
and I was talking to this girl.
I said, "It's so cool how in Canada,
you guys have legal weed
across the nation."
And she was like, "You don't know
what the fuck you're talking about."
I was like, "Oh my God. I... I don't."
[audience laughing]
She said, "Where are you from?"
I said, "Well, I'm from Texas."
She was like, "You see? In Canada,
we need to be more like Texas,
'cause y'all have guns.
We need guns. I need a gun."
I was like, "I think you'll be aight."
[audience laughing]
"I think you just need
somebody to talk to."
[audience laughing]
She was like, "You don't get it."
"We don't all...
we don't all want legal weed
'cause what a lot of people don't see
is when Canada legalized weed,
it came with a lot of bullshit."
"It gave the police more power."
"Now they can pull you over,
search you for no real reason at all,
they treat you bad. There's been
an increase in police brutality cases."
And she's going on and on,
and I don't know if that stuff is true,
but even if it is, like...
Unfair treatment
as a tradeoff for legal weed?
I'd take it.
[audience laughing]
Eh. I was like, "It sounds to me
like what you're going through,
it don't sound that bad."
It feels like if you grew up
in a household
with, like, very strict,
but polite parents.
They treat you right,
but they don't let you smoke.
And then one day, these parents were like,
"All right,
you can smoke weed in this house,
but also,
we're gonna start hitting you now."
[audience laughing]
I'd be like, "All right. As long as
I'm high when you're hitting me."
[audience laughing]
We'll literally go. A hit for a hit.
[audience laughing and applauding]
I didn't even realize...
like, I'm born and raised here in Texas,
but I didn't realize how accustomed to it,
how Texas I really was on the inside,
until I got to travel.
I remember the first time
I stayed in New York for a few weeks.
I was like 20, maybe,
and my buddy was pointing out to me,
he's like, "Hey, man,
have you noticed how over here,
nobody can walk around with guns?"
He's like, "The police can have guns.
We can't have guns, only the police can."
I was like, "Dang, for real."
"Am I Republican?"
[audience laughing]
Don't take that too serious.
These are just jokes.
[audience laughing]
It just threw me off is all,
'cause I'm not... I'm not used to that.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm used to,
yeah, the police walk around,
they have their gun at the holster.
Sometimes they might even
eyeball you a little bit.
Like as if to say,
"Hey, don't... don't start nothin' now."
And that's fine.
I'm used to that, you know.
I'm just also very used
to the way it is back home...
[woman whoops]
...where you can also walk around
with a gun at the holster.
And if you're feeling up to it,
you could eyeball the police back
a little bit.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
You'd be like, "Hey, you neither, now."
[audience laughing]
I remember they used
to teach us that in school.
It's called checks and balances.
[audience laughing]
I went to Canada,
asked them about their gun laws.
Asked a few different people.
From what I can tell, in Canada,
it's, like, extremely difficult
to get a gun,
but if you can get one,
you can only keep it at your house,
which... I guess that sucks,
'cause what if you have enemies to kill?
[audience laughing]
What do you do then?
You have to invite them over?
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yo, this is why
you Canadians get that stereotype
that you're all polite, man,
'cause somebody does you dirty,
you're like,
"What? You slept with my wife?"
"Come over for dinner tonight."
[audience laughing]
Also, I just wanna say this
to be 100% clear.
Like, I... Like, I feel
like I have to say it.
I'm not really Republican.
- [audience laughing and cheering]
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
- [cheering continues]
Don't clap. I'm not you either.
[audience laughing]
I've just never voted. I just...
[audience laughing]
Yeah, man.
Most people don't care, you know,
but I-I have made some...
some friends along the way,
some more liberal-type friends
that stop being my friends
when they find out I don't vote.
It was... it was in Brooklyn, New York,
dude got in my face about it.
He was like, "You don't... you don't vote?"
"What, you don't give a fuck?"
[audience laughing]
I'm like,
"Yo, man, that's not cool. I care."
"Well, not really, but that's not cool."
I don't like the way he did that.
I felt like he was judging me a little.
I don't know how he grew up.
Maybe, you know,
maybe he had some political literacy.
But I don't. Nobody taught me about that.
I was raised by my grandma.
She had just got to this country.
She's not gonna encourage me to vote.
She was just like, "Don't touch nothin'..."
[audience laughing]
"Let's just be happy to be here."
My mom, you know...
My mom had me at 16.
You think she's gonna
teach me about politics?
I watched that kid grow up
before my own eyes.
[audience laughing]
- Yeah.
- [cheering]
My dad was the only one who
knew about laws or the judicial system,
but that's 'cause he was an astronaut.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. I mean, I'll vote eventually.
I'm not like, "Yo, I'll never vote."
No, I'll vote eventually.
And I also don't judge
anybody's political preferences.
If you're left, right, red, blue.
I don't care if you like immigrants,
if you hate immigrants.
Just leave my girl out of it, please.
[audience laughing]
I don't judge, man.
I get along with everybody.
Well, there's, like, one group of people,
one small group,
that I... that I do judge a little bit.
And I'm not even saying they're wrong.
I just... I just judge them a little bit.
And it is Latino Republicans.
[audience chuckling]
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
I mean, more power to you,
but you look weird.
[audience laughing]
Even white Republicans
look at you like, "Huh?"
[audience laughing]
It's just weird to see some brown dude
say something off the wall,
like... [in heavy accent]
"Hey, we gotta stop immigrants."
[audience laughing]
[in normal voice]
Like, "When'd you get here?"
[audience laughing]
But yeah. But to each their own, you know?
I don't really care too much about it all,
like the laws or anything.
I don't take them too much... serious.
I mean, I like...
Being from Texas, I like guns.
I'm not, like, super into guns, you know.
My friends are.
They got, like, safes full of guns.
I did buy a gun 'cause I wanted to fit in.
[audience laughing]
But I didn't buy bullets.
Those are dangerous.
[audience laughing]
I... I just got the gun
so I can bond with my boys, you know?
We do activities together.
Like, we go to the shooting range together
all the time.
I don't buy bullets there either, though.
I just get my gun,
I go in my booth, and I make noises.
I be like, "Blam, blam, blam!"
[audience laughing]
My boy was looking at me like,
"What are you doing?"
But I don't care.
I just look back at him like,
"Shut the fuck..."
[audience laughing]
[audience chuckling]
Guns make watching TV
with, like, your family funner.
I just be sitting there
looking at everybody...
[imitates gun cocking]
"Who has the remote?"
[audience laughing]
When you don't buy bullets,
you technically have access
to any kind of bullets you'd ever want.
It's all up to your imagination.
Some days I'm in the range,
and I'm like, "Blam, blam!"
I saw those Star Wars movies on TNand I was in there like...
[mimics laser gun firing]
[audience laughing]
Shit. My girl just put me on
to those Harry Potter movies.
I was in there like... [chanting]
[audience laughing]
Yeah, my friends don't like that, though.
They're like,
"Why do you come to the gun range
if you're just gonna pretend?"
I said, "Pretend?"
I'm like, "Bro, you bought bullets
and a piece of paper to shoot at."
"You just paid money
to pretend harder than I do."
[audience laughing and applauding]
Like, "If anything, you're wasting money,
'cause sometimes you miss."
[audience laughing]
"I never miss."
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'll be in my booth like,
"Head shot. Again."
[audience laughing]
And one of my boys
got all in my face about it, man.
He takes guns very serious,
which you should.
You should take a gun very serious.
I mean, I don't.
It's all a joke to me, but...
[audience laughing]
He was like,
"Man, if you're gonna have a gun,
you always need to carry bullets, man."
"It's not a toy.
It's not something to play with."
He said, "God forbid, one day your life
could come into some real danger,
and if that day ever comes, you'll wish
you had bullets to protect yourself."
And that's probably true, you know?
He's most likely right.
But... I don't know, man.
Like... I don't think I'd have the heart
to actually shoot somebody.
But if my life was really in danger,
I don't need the bullets
to protect myself.
I just need the gun itself
to scare people off,
make 'em think I'm crazy.
You know? Somebody'll run up on me
like, "Give me your money!"
I'll be like... [imitates gun cocking]
"I don't fucking need this right now, man,
I swear to God!"
[raucous laughter]
[audience laughing and applauding]
He'll be like, "Keep your money
and your dick, man. I'm sorry."
[raucous laughter]
Yeah. Guns are cool, man. Bullets are bad.
[audience laughing]
I don't know.
I'm trying not to be insensitive,
but I don't think I'm that much
of a sensitive dude in the first place.
Like, I don't even mind getting profiled...
[scattered chuckles]
Yeah. When they get it wrong,
it can be hurtful, you know?
Like if somebody
was to come up to me like,
"Look at this construction worker,
lawnmower," you know?
I'd be like, "Damn, that's messed up.
I don't even work hard."
[audience laughing]
But if somebody came up to me
and was like, "Yo...
look at this bean-eating..."
[audience tittering]
"...Hot Cheeto-loving..."
[audience laughing]
"...dish-washing, Dragon Ball-watching..."
I'd be like, "Damn, he's good."
[raucous laughter]
I don't know. I...
I also... I learned the pros and cons
of racially profiling people
at a young age.
Like, when I was 13, me and my buddy Jaime
went walking to a 7-Eleven gas station
to get some ice cream.
It was summer. It was hot.
And when we got to the freezer,
I remember there was this
orange push pop I wanted to get.
You remember those?
You'd push it from the bottom?
It's, like, in this weird
Downy toilet paper roll-looking...
[audience laughing]
It was good.
And I remember it so vividly.
It was the last one.
I was about to grab it, but my buddy Jaime
and his long-ass fingers
just got to it before I could.
But right when he gripped it,
and I'll never forget
the sound of this man's voice,
and the fear that his voice
put in my heart,
'cause he wanted us to hear him.
This man, this cashier,
he said to the woman cashier,
he goes, "Watch this, Brenda."
"That motherfucker's
gonna grab that ice cream
and put it right in his fucking pocket."
And I knew he was talking about us,
and I got scared. I froze.
And my buddy Jaime
let go of the ice cream,
and he stood up for himself.
Which was wild. We were shy kids, man.
We never stood up
to people our own age, you know?
We used to get bullied,
we'd take the ass-whoopin' and move on.
[audience laughing]
But Jaime was mad. He was offended
that somebody accused him of stealing.
'Cause he was a hard-working kid.
He earned his money.
He was the 11-year-old that was my...
We used to wash dishes together.
Anyway, he stood up for himself.
He looked at that cashier,
he said, "Excuse, me, sir,
are you profiling me right now?"
And the cashier was like,
"You call it what you want, man."
He's like, "Little fuckers like you
come in and steal shit all the time."
He's like, "I don't need you in my store."
Jaime was mad. He's like, "You don't...
you don't know who I am or how I am."
He's like,
"We've never stolen from you, man."
"We come in here all the time
and buy snacks."
And I was just like, "Yo, don't say 'we.'"
[audience laughing]
He's like, "You don't have any right
to talk to us like that."
He's like, "You may not know this
from looking at me,
but I'm a hard-working kid.
I earn my money."
He's like, "We come in here,
we buy snacks all the time."
"Never once have we stolen, man.
I don't have to steal."
"I take a lot of pride in the fact that
I work for the money to buy these snacks
whenever I want them."
And all the adults in the store
start listening to the story,
and they start cheering on Jaime.
They're like, "Hell, yeah.
Tell his ass, kid. Tell him."
So all the attention is on Jaime,
I grabbed that ice cream,
I put it right in my pocket.
[raucous laughter]
[audience cheering and applauding]
That dude was right to profile.
He just got the wrong one.
[raucous laughter]
Hey, thank you guys so much, man.
- [audience cheering wildly and applauding]
- Appreciate it.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
- Thank you.
- [cheering continues]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- [upbeat hip-hop music continues]
- [applause continues]
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
[music ends]
[insects buzzing]