Random Tropical Paradise (2017) Movie Script

Oh! Ah!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Come on. Come on.
Are you sure that we should
be doing this right now?
Okay? There are people
outside waiting.
They're going to wonder
where we are.
All right, we're going to have
plenty of time after the wedding.
I don't want to wait
until after the wedding.
I want you right now.
Come on.
Come on!
Oh, god.
What the fuck?
Hey, I'm so sorry, man.
I wanted to wait until
after the wedding
but she wanted
to do this right now.
- Oh...
- Holy shit!
- Bowie, I need you to... -It's fine, man.
I'm gonna get out... ah!
- Oh! -Oh! Damn, dude,
that's a big wiener.
- That's a big...
- Come on, man!
- I'm sorry.
- Zip it up, please.
I mean, I don't know if
it'll fit, though, right?
Not the time. Wildly
inappropriate right now.
Can't you just focus
on the guests, please?
The wedding is obviously off.
Great. I'm here for you. You're
my little king and I love you.
You're garbage trash.
And I always knew that.
I can't wait to
never see you again.
Garbage trash.
And you, I don't like you
either, but I respect
what's going on down there.
Let's get out of here.
- I'm really sorry, man.
- Fuck off.
- Yup.
- Yeah.
you know this is
all your fault, right?
- -Hello.
My name is
Beauregard Pemberton iv.
For those of you who don't know me
I am the best man for this wedding
betwixt my dear friend Harry
and his surprisingly
accommodating fiancee Christine.
You guys don't get that joke,
that's for sure. Uh...
First of all, I'd just like to start
by saying that I am very happy
that everyone from
Harry's bachelor party
made it out and is here
and not dead.
Wes, those eyebrows
are growing back.
Good for you, bud.
Anyway, that's not
why I'm here, guys.
I'm here to
tell you guys a story.
A story of waiting.
Waiting for that perfect moment.
That perfect day.
This story is about a young boy.
Let's just call him
This story is about
that young boy's
unbridled love
for guns n' roses.
Now in the mid to late '90s
you guys have to understand
that coming off
the giant success
of both
use your illusions I and ii,
anticipation was high
because this young boy
was finally old enough
to attend his
first guns n' roses concert.
Snake dancing
in front of the mirror,
picking out that
perfect bandana.
It was red, of course.
And when that night came for
the concert he was there,
in that arena,
section 352, row Q, seat 77.
That's when that...
Son of a bitch announcer
came over the loudspeaker.
I always have
trouble with this part.
Paradise city,
wherever it exists...
was not in
Atlanta, Georgia that day.
Guns n' roses had broken up.
So I think I explained
everything pretty good.
I'll open up the floor
to some questions.
Even though I'm not
quite sure which one of them
is the Axl in this situation.
I'm going to have to
get some more details later.
You don't even want to ask me what
my favorite song is? Civil war.
Guys, the wedding is not
happening is what I'm saying.
Okay, calm down.
Calm down, it's fine.
I thought I really
walked you guys into that.
I feel like
you guys are overreacting.
Hey, guys, guys, guys. It's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Okay, the road to happiness
is not a straight path, okay?
It's bumpy.
If Harry and Christine
want to make it work
they will make it work,
okay, guys?
Look at guns n' roses.
They figured it out.
I mean sure, slash and
the band were irreplaceable.
But the buckethead years
were all right
and Chinese democracy
had like two good songs.
Plus we got velvet revolver
out of it
and those guys fucking rule.
So it could be worse.
Guns n' roses is happy.
I'm happy.
Harry will be happy.
Christine is a bitch.
And, hey, GNR kind of
got back together.
Anything is possible.
The kids will be all right.
That's all I'm saying.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, that is it
for the wedding.
Thank you guys so much.
Um, I will see you
at the next one.
"To Harry and Christine,
"may you share the most romantic of
meals together over these dishes.
"Love Joey and Britney."
That's like, really nice.
- Pull!
Dude, in all fairness,
there are game of thrones weddings that
were less bloody than yours today.
- Not really funny. -But look
at it on the bright side.
At least you found out
before you married her.
Yeah, five minutes before.
Yeah, that's
still before though.
I mean, otherwise
you would have been having sloppy seconds
on your own wedding night, dude.
Also not funny.
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah, hey.
Uh, we're not really sure
what you want us to do here.
- Yeah, so I think we're just
going to, um, go. -Take off.
No, no, please stay.
Everything's fine.
I already paid you guys.
If he wants you to stay
then you fucking stay.
Okay? He had a shit day,
he almost married a skank
and he's a prince amongst men!
It's his wedding night!
And this is
the wedding reception
but it's not a wedding reception
without a wedding band.
It's not a wedding reception
without a wedding.
Please don't make me write you
guys a bad review on yelp.
Oh, he yelps like a maniac!
- He's like an angry mama
on that thing!
Play a song.
- One song!
- Thank you.
- That was a lot. -Had
to get my point across.
Sure. Anyway, dude,
this could be
a blessing in disguise.
Look at all our married friends.
What do they have in common?
That they're all married?
They're in captivity!
That's what marriage is.
They have that same glazed-over
look that lions at the zoo have.
You know why you've never
heard a lion at the zoo roar?
Because I'm a grown man
and I don't go to the zoo?
Okay, I'm a grown man and I
go to the zoo all the time.
- Is there something weird about it?
- It's kind of weird.
I got an annual pass.
What, am I not gonna use it?
That's ridiculous!
Does your lion metaphor
have a point?
You never hear lions
roar at the zoo
because you need
fucking balls to roar, man!
- They're good.
- Yeah, like, really good.
Can I ask you a question?
How did we get here, man?
Well, my hillbilly cousin gave
me this gun as a wedding present
and now we're using it to destroy
all the other wedding presents.
- No, not here...
Man, how did we get here
in life?
How could you stay with
someone so long,
let alone almost marry them,
when the whole time
you guys were together
she treated you so...
I don't know what the word...
'Cause I don't want to offend you,
because you're
a fragile guy right now.
What is the word
I'm looking for?
- Cold?
- Cunty.
I don't know, man.
When you're in something, you only
see what you want to see, right?
And I saw the girl that
I was supposed to marry.
On paper she was perfect.
I mean, so was Bitcoin
when you think about it.
You never suspected this?
No, actually,
I didn't see this coming.
I totally thought this would be
more of a murder-suicide situation.
Yeah. Wait, what?
Oh, she was going to kill you,
dude. That's for sure.
But then I like to think
in my fantasy world,
she would at least
have the courage
to turn the gun
on herself afterwards.
Is this the shit
you actually think about?
I know, right? It's weird.
Okay, do you guys know real songs
at all or do you just eavesdrop?
She checked all the boxes.
- Oh this one, okay. Let's hear 'em.
Number one, she had a good job.
You paid for everything!
- She's pretty... -She never
fucked you, so who cares?
She comes from
a really good family.
Dude, her dad
called me the n-word.
We had a plan.
Harry, I know you have plans.
You fucking love plans.
But you need to realize
that plan sucked.
If you felt this way, why is this the
first time I'm hearing about it?
Hey, what do you think
about Christine?
She's cool, right?
No, dude. She fucking sucks.
Anyway, do not
propose to Christine, man.
She fucking sucks.
Your fiancee fucking sucks, man.
I don't know, man,
I guess there was
just never a good time
to bring it up.
That's probably the flight Christine and I
were supposed to go on for our honeymoon.
What island were you guys
going to? I forgot.
Rancho para.
Supposed to be amazing.
Dude, let's go!
Just missed the flight.
Yeah, but you
canceled the hotel?
No, I couldn't.
It was too close to check-in.
- I'm just going to have to eat it.
- No, you don't.
Not if you and me go!
- What, you and me?
- Yeah!
How would we even get there?
Dude, I got a guy.
- You got a guy?
- I got a guy.
What does that even mean?
You're always so vague.
It means I know a guy.
He runs shuttles back and forth
to the islands for my company.
I'll hop on as a "business
trip" and you ride for free.
You're my best friend, I have no
idea what you do for a living.
Doesn't matter! You've got
your bags packed, right?
- Yeah. -So let's go, man, this
is gonna be fucking awesome!
Dude, fuck your honeymoon.
That was going to suck.
This is you and me going out.
It's not a honeymoon.
This is like, uh...
Dude, this is a fucking bromoon.
I think "homiemoon" is funnier.
Yeah, see, look, it is funnier.
That's how excited you are,
you're making puns!
I'm going to use homiemoon,
that's fucking hilarious!
- It's not that exciting. -You're
so excited for this homiemoon.
Dude, we've got to
get out of here.
Look at how fucking
depressing this place is.
It's like the
limp bizkit reunion tour.
Hey, man, we had
fun at that show.
We had a great time but the crowd wasn't
into it and it took me out, personally.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just
go in to work tomorrow.
Fuck you, man. I'm going
to fucking kill you.
Are you kidding?
You're going to do what you think
you're supposed to do, again.
Look at what doing what you're
supposed to do did to you today.
You almost married a whore!
Hey, come on, man,
it still hurts.
I know, I'm sorry.
I get excited.
I forget that you're fragile.
I love you.
Come here, my baby boy.
I'm sorry I hurt
your feelings just then.
But don't worry, this is going
to be a fun-ass homiemoon.
Okay, don't overuse it.
Thanks, dude.
You guys are wonderful, actually,
I was wrong about you.
Where are we going?
I told you, dude, gate z-98.
Z? I see a and b.
Ah, perfect timing. Give me that.
Give me that.
You got it from the closet
we don't talk about, right?
Cool, this is going into my file.
Get out of here.
- What was that? -It was one of my interns.
I had him get my go bag.
- How many interns do you have?
- Seven.
Can you and I
talk about this closet?
So is this it?
Well, all the signs say gate z.
- Who's this guy?
- Oh, that's Mike.
Yeah, well his friends
call him corn
on account of he tells
really lame jokes
but he's a hell
of a poker player
and really good at disc golf,
despite the fact that he lost
half of his index finger
in a thrashing machine
accident when he was nine.
It's a real bummer but
he's found a way to adapt.
How do you know all this?
I don't know all that, Harry!
You're asking a ton
of questions, okay?
I don't know everything
about everybody.
That's clearly just a homeless guy.
Where'd he go?
Who... who are you?
Who sent you?
How long was I there?
Did Miguel send you?
I don't know a Miguel.
Shh! That's exactly what
Miguel would want you to say.
We're just trying to get
to Rancho para.
I'm looking for
a guy named Randy.
- Randy? Hey!
- Hey!
All right.
- Hey!
- Hey!
And you must be Harry.
- Yeah. -Ah, the guy who almost
married the town jizz mop.
Don't blame me,
you know I like to gossip.
Hey, don't sweat it.
At least you two
found each other.
And it wouldn't have happened
without her.
That's the most important thing.
- Wait, what do you think that this is?
- Yeah?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Just two best friends
going on a trip for two together
to a tropical paradise
- with matching tuxes.
- Oh, shit.
I actually think we look badass.
We look like Sommeliers.
Follow me, guys. Come on.
Why are you talking about
west African pirates?
We look like butlers.
Yeah, Geoffrey from the fresh
prince fucking rules, it's fine.
Sun-kissed airlines
would like to
make the announcement
that flight one to Rancho para
is now ready to board.
Now, we'd like to
start off the boarding process
with all of our
first class passengers,
frequent flyer medallion members
and anyone traveling with a
wheelchair or small children.
-You're welcome to board.
Also, we'd like to announce
that this flight is overbooked.
Anyone who's willing to
give up their ticket
will receive a voucher
- of $400...
- Ooh.
- for your next flight.
Okay, what's up?
Can I help y'all?
- We're the only two people here.
- Yeah.
Come on, man,
I'm just messing with y'all.
- Come on, you guys.
- Oh, that was...
- You guys...
You were joking.
- Because I thought...
- Ah!
It's funny looking back,
but at the time
- I did not...
- It was pretty brutal.
- Yeah. -Anyways, the
more important thing is
let's get you two
love birds in the air.
Right this way, gentlemen.
- Are you sure you want to do this?
- Do what?
I wouldn't trust this guy
with my dry cleaning.
We're going to let him
fly a plane that we're in?
Harry, fucking relax, okay?
Literally no one has ever
died in a plane crash.
What are you talking about?
- John Denver. Aaliyah.
- Okay, three.
Three people in the history of
aviation, that's pretty good, Harry.
I think you should
fact-check that.
Hey, Randy,
you ever crash this thing?
And look at him,
he's doing great.
Hey, guys, guys.
I've got two parachutes and a
flotation device. We're good.
See? We're good!
I like you, Randy.
I like you a bunch.
I got dibs on the parachute.
All right, the meal on today's
flight is shut the hell up
and the in-flight movie is strap
on and hold on to your dicks.
Or each other's.
Whatever you're into.
Could you play the
movie alive? That'd be funny.
All right, boys, we are all set
and ready to go.
It's like a sophisticated
pinball machine, right?
Uh, tower, this is
Stroker Ace-six-nine,
ready for takeoff.
Now you've just got to
get out there and push.
You're just fucking
with us, right?
You're catching on, grasshopper.
- That's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
Okay, now I'm not.
You're going to have to
really get out there and push.
I have a hard time reading you.
That was a surprisingly
smooth flight.
- Huh? What?
He said that that was a surprisingly
smooth flight, Randy, it was great.
Come on, guys, we all know
I'm not allowed to fly.
No. Nope, we did
not know that, Randy.
If you Google me it says,
"don't let him fly."
Okay, well, looks like
we're here. Thanks again.
Oh, shit.
On behalf of everyone here
at the Tradewinds island resort,
it is my pleasure to say to you
welcome to Rancho para
and happy honeymoon Mr. and...
- Mr. and Mr. Fluder.
- Oh, uh...
No, no, no. Not Mr. and Mr.
Well, I mean, we are both misters.
I'm a boy so it's fine.
A lover's quarrel already?
This is supposed
to be the honeymoon.
- Don't worry...
- Hey!
Nothing a few days
in paradise won't cure.
No, you don't understand.
No bags?
- No, we have bags.
- Yeah, we have bags.
I must say, you two are doing
your honeymoon properly.
Should I have all your
meals sent to your room?
Double the maid service?
I don't know what that means.
I know what that means.
Did you forget our bags? We're the
only two people on the plane.
What? No! I know exactly
where your bags are.
Hey, you guys enjoy
your honeymoon, all right?
You guys make a cute couple.
- What about my toiletries? -Dude,
who cares? Come on, let's go.
- Hey.
- Hello.
The ultimate
honeymoon experience.
Dude, I can tell, man.
This thing rules.
I feel like
fucking Beyonce right now.
Does that make me Jay z?
I don't know who that is.
- Usa! Usa!
As you can see,
we've taken great pains
to ensure that your room
and your entire stay
caters to your every desire.
If you need anything
your wish is my command.
Good day, gentlemen.
Good day.
That guy talked
like a genie, huh?
All right.
What do you wanna do now?
You mean after we fuck?
Obviously, yeah. I mean, we have to fuck.
It would be rude not to.
- Let's get a drink.
- Okay.
It's just so wonderful.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Look how tropical
this shit is, man.
- Mmm. -Fuckin', who is
getting whiskey in paradise?
Get tropical with me.
Not feeling very tropical.
Ooh, that's good.
That's good.
When I pictured this,
I didn't exactly picture this.
Look, I know she-who-shall-not-be-named
fucking sucks, but still.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I forgot why I was here.
Take care of my buddy.
I'm gonna go get us the three WS.
How's that sound?
- Huh?
- Weed, women...
Fuck. Should've been two WS.
I'm gonna go do that, then.
I'm gonna get us the two WS.
Third one could've been whiskey.
Watermelon's the third one.
Oh yeah.
Hey. How's it going?
All at once
and at the same time.
Did you order caviar
or diamonds or something?
Oh, you see him too, huh?
Okay, good.
Hello, time traveler.
- Come, sit.
I'm bowie.
Hi, bowie.
Are you from
dancing with the stars?
No, no. I'm not.
But I think that show's great.
I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
Uh, I don't wanna, assume too much
that it might offend you guys,
but you just seem like
the sort that might know this.
You guys might be able to help me out.
I'm not from around here,
and if someone from not around
here was looking to, maybe,
elevate themselves to, like, the
level you guys seem to be on...
You know what I...
You know what I mean?
You're sayin' an awful lot
of words right now, man.
Are you a narc?
Oh, stop teasing him.
We're just fuckin' with you.
- We're just fuckin' with you.
Our level, our level.
Sure, sure, sure.
Look. All you gotta do, look.
You just gotta
eat this bag of mushrooms,
and smoke this bag of weed.
Every day for 20 years.
Get out... you...
You do that, and you
might be able to, like,
smell the orbit that we're
working with, you know?
I mean, yeah, it... It would get you close.
It would get you close.
It's true.
I once did peyote
with a leprechaun...
Could've been
a well-dressed armadillo.
Either way, we both peaked at the
same time, so it was all good.
Yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta
start somewhere, right? So...
Yeah, here.
Oh, man.
What do I owe you?
That's from the earth, man.
Who am I to charge for nature's bounty?
You know it's, uh...
That'd be like charging
for water, you know?
They do charge you for water.
You shut the fuck up, Richard!
That's not a funny joke,
and I told you that.
What's wrong with you?
Having a little shindig
by the casino, later, man.
You should stop by, man.
It's gonna be fun, you know.
Well, real mellow, you know.
Nothing formal, although...
Well, that sounds great. I'm just
here with my buddy, so I gotta...
We love buddies.
Yeah, man. The more the merrier.
That's what I say.
Shit. Bring him, you know.
It's easy to find.
You just gotta cut through
the woods right down...
There. Right down there,
and, uh...
It's off the beaten path,
but you can't miss it, man.
It's right down there,
you'll see it.
All right, man. Well, I'm so
glad I ran into you guys.
I appreciate everything. This is so cool.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you wanna...
You know? Just a little toke
for the road?
- Yeah. Yeah. Course.
- There you go.
That's gonna put some fuzz
on your peaches, you know.
This is fine, here?
- Yeah, never got caught.
- I hope so, man.
We been doin' it for years.
Oh, fuck, dude, fuck.
Oh, come on, man. That's
the breakfast blend, man.
That's the shit I smoke
to stop being high.
- Oh, god.
- Come on, man.
Look at him go.
I'm gonna
do one more for the road.
Okay, you go for that.
You gotta try
everything twice, yeah.
Ah, there we go.
Similar results.
This guy's funny.
Well, you guys are cool.
Come tonight. Don't forget
to bring your friends.
- I like him.
- Yeah, yeah.
Looked like a Butler.
But he didn't bring us anything.
- Yeah. -Butlers usually
bring you something.
- He's not good at his job?
- No.
What the fuck?
'Sup? That feels so
weird, huh.
Oh, my god!
Watch where
you're going, asshole.
I'm looking for an armadillo.
I'm sorry. Did you just say
you're looking for an armadillo?
Oh, he lost his armadillo.
Oh, yeah? Well, he's about to
lose the contents of his nut sack
if I don't have another drink
in my hand by then.
Here, just have mine.
I haven't even taken a sip.
No, it's fine.
"Lose the contents
of his nut sack?"
Are you gonna hurt him
or blow him?
Oh yeah. Good, Colette.
'Cause I suck every guy's dick
who spills a drink on me. Nice.
I mean, he's wearing a tuxedo
in 90 degree weather.
He's obviously a masochist.
Rip off his nuts.
I bet he'd like it.
Try and remember the last place
that you saw your armadillo.
Ooh, I know.
Check your other hand.
I can't tell you how many times I've lost
something and ended up finding it there.
Well, what do you say, asshole?
You wanna step outta the way
and apologize?
You want me to shove my foot so far
up your ass I can wear you as pants?
Shut up, you stupid.
Did he just call me stupid?
Shut up, you stupid.
Look at you, you so dumb.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna kick this guy's
dick off, right now.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait. I smell weed.
Do you have weed?
Oh, that's cool.
I'm in sad mode.
Entering anger mode.
Dude, I'm so high, too.
All right. Come on.
Let's do this.
- Bring the sad one.
That's you.
I know!
I didn't get watermelon.
That's the only one I forgot.
This is your boat?
It's awesome.
Okay, first of all,
it's not a boat.
It's a yacht, asshole.
It's okay, guys.
They're with me.
Shoes off, guys. Let's go.
All right. Whatever.
Fucking rules.
You're terrifying.
- Dude.
- Wow.
This boat is dope.
Mmm, thank you.
Speaking of which,
let's see it.
- What?
- Huh?
Come on. Isn't that what youse
came here for? Whip it out.
No, but...
- Uh, it's not why we came here...
- Uh...
but it's very cool of you
to start with this.
- Oh, that's not cool.
- Oh, my god.
No, not your dick. The weed.
Oh, what?
- Yeah, I know.
- God!
I was kidding.
Jesus Christ.
Heard of a joke?
- Gross.
- So, I'm Harry.
I'm Angela.
Nice to meet you.
- This is Beatrice over here.
- Hey.
You can call me Bea.
Everyone does.
I don't force them.
That's Johanna over there.
- Don't look at me.
- Okay.
Hi, I'm Tiffani and, uh...
It's really hot.
Oh. Ah, that's better.
Yeah. It... good call.
It is so hot.
It's... yup.
I'm Colette. Hi.
I'm bowie.
That's my weed.
So, you guys probably think
I'm pretty cool.
Do you have Asperger's?
I don't think so.
Unless you're into it.
So, what brings you ladies
to the islands?
The boat does.
My husband.
He's always traveling here and
there for work, you know,
so I said, "you gotta figure out
a way to bring us with you."
What does your husband do?
Oh, little bit of this,
little bit of that, you know.
Buys me yachts to keep me happy.
So I can hang out
with my girls and party.
He sounds cool.
Ooh, this weed
is really relaxing.
- I love smoking weed.
So relaxing.
Basically take a nap right now.
Might wanna take it easy on that.
You don't wanna get paranoid.
You need to take it easy,
tux-o. Okay?
I'm not paranoid.
You're paranoid.
- Shut up.
- It's okay.
Actually, that ridiculous
marijuana-causing-paranoia thing? That's a myth.
It just lowers your inhibitions,
and then you become a
heightened version of yourself.
So if you're, like, really
happy, you're extra happy.
If you're a crazy psycho weirdo,
you're that.
Lemme guess. Psychiatrist?
She said anal. That's funny.
why are you here?
it's a pretty crazy story.
Yesterday, I'm with Harry...
We're masseuse... Massages?
Massage. Massages.
You mean massage therapists?
- Yeah. I actually
consider myself
a massage, uh, wizard.
It's magic what I can do
with just these.
It sounds like magic.
Yeah. And we are here for
the annual awards ceremony.
The handies.
- Congratulations.
- Fuck, yeah. Thank you.
That would explain the tuxedos.
No, not really,
but please, go on.
You're nominated for an award.
Well, I'm nominated
for best technique,
and bowie's nominated
for best...
Best oral.
- Sup?
- Gross.
- Ew, that's disgusting. -No, it's
different in the massage community.
It just means good
table-side, uh, banter.
Uh, banter. So good.
Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ.
What happened? What is this?
What are you doing?
Oh, my god. Get down.
What the hell was that?
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Who cares?
Oh, my god.
I thought that was my husband.
Who's your husband?
Not someone you want to catch
you with his wife in a hot tub.
Oh, god.
I fuckin' ruined the weed.
Shit. All of it.
I'm sorry.
Well, you know
what that means, boys.
Just, kinda,
feel each other up, now?
- Okay, buh-bye.
- Byes.
Hey, um...
No, no. It's okay.
This was, uh...
I wanna say fun,
but it was more interesting.
How do I feel like I know you?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I just
have one of those faces.
No. Yours is a face
I definitely wouldn't forget.
That was, like, page one of the
douchebag pickup handbook, right there.
I'll take shitty Justin Bieber
lyrics for $1,000, Alex.
- I'll get outta here. You don't have
to see me again. -No, no, no, no.
I really hope
I get to see you again.
I hope you get to see...
I mean...
I think you know what I mean.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, then. It's settled.
- Settled.
Hey, tux-o.
- Let's fucking go.
- I'm coming.
I'm gonna go. Thank you.
- Coming. I'm high as shit, man.
Gotta get food.
Don't embarrass me.
It was nice to meet you,
She called you tux-o.
Massage therapist?
What the fuck was I thinking?
I dunno, but it was genius.
Did you have that one
loaded in the chamber,
or was that just
off the top of your head, man?
- Nope, that was
right out of my ass.
And when did you become
leisure suit Larry?
Oh, I wish I was leisure suit Larry.
That guy's awesome.
"Oh yeah. I'm nominated
for best oral, ha ha!
"Let me finger-bang you
with my wizard hand."
- That's not how I laugh. -That's
exactly how you sound, man.
Either way, I never said "finger-bang
you with my magical wizard hands."
Well, you might as well have.
The shit you were saying back
there didn't even make sense.
Harry, look around.
We're in a fast and the
furious movie right now.
Nothing has to make sense.
This is the stripper flight.
Okay. What's
a stripper flight?
Stripper flight is this legendary
flight from Tampa to Vegas,
filled with strippers.
Because everyone knows the two meccas for
strip clubs are Tampa and Vegas, right?
Oh. Yeah, I think that was
a question on my Lsats.
So, all the best strippers
work both places.
Tampa, weekdays.
Vegas, weekends.
There's this one flight.
According to legend,
every Thursday night,
the hottest strippers in Tampa
get on the same plane to Vegas.
And Vegas is a 24-hour town, so
they get on that plane ready to go.
You know, time is money.
And you can't just, like,
buy a ticket.
It's not like these flights are
advertised as the stripper flight.
They're totally random
and unpredictable.
Dude, just like strippers.
But every now and then,
the stars align,
and some lucky bastard
gets bumped off his flight,
and finds himself
on the stripper flight.
And if you ever end up
on the stripper flight,
you owe it to yourself
to go balls out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you can see, the captain has
turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.
You are now free
to get your freak on.
Not my most profound story...
Yeah, but maybe your longest.
But either way,
look at yesterday.
You were this close
to marrying a woman
who was
time-sharing her vagina,
and look at today.
You already spent the afternoon with a
bunch of banging-hot sorority chicks
in a hot tub.
Okay, dickhead.
You're 30 years old.
So are they. They're just
called women, now.
Either way. I bet there's gonna be
a bunch of hot sorority "women"
at this dope house party
I'm about to take you to.
Well, we're in the middle
of nowhere.
We look like assholes.
And this dope-ass house party is
definitely going to be a meth lab.
I bet the party's this way.
Oh, directly into the jungle?
Yeah, that makes sense.
Nicest meth lab I've seen.
How many meth labs
have you seen?
This is gonna be
fucking awesome.
You know, takes a big man
not to say I told you so.
Okay. Let's get it over with.
Get what over with?
- Just say it. -What did you
think I was gonna say?
You're not gonna
trick me into saying it.
- Trick you into saying what do you think?
- You're basically...
We're here for the party.
Oh. Thank you.
I hope they're serving food
at this party. I'm starving.
Me too, man.
I'm doing mints right now.
Oh. I haven't brushed my teeth
since yesterday,
so two birds.
Cool. Pre meal, I guess.
- Oh, baby. That sucks.
- Too big, it wouldn't work.
Couldn't smoke it
at the same time.
Guys, you made it.
Like, I'm so glad
you got here, huh?
So glad.
I brought my friend, Harry.
Oh, hi, friend Harry.
Hey. So, you guys live here?
This is our vacation home.
We just...
We just come out here for one or
two months at a time when, uh...
When Monte-Carlo's feeling
a little too chintzy.
Yeah, Monte-Carlo. It's like
the Branson of the riviera.
Yeah. Just gets...
It's too much sometimes.
Lemme show you guys
around our little...
Our little jungle abode.
Have fun, boys.
All right, eh. See ya.
Hey, this place
fucking rules, dude.
Oh, thanks, man. Thanks.
- Hey, Marcel.
- Hello, monsieur.
How're you doing?
This is my head chef, Marcel.
Dude, you got a head chef?
Marcel, these are my pals,
Harry and bowie.
Pleasure to meet you.
We stole him from one of those real
fancy restaurants over in Europe.
You know, the kind where they
don't let you wear shorts,
and you can't even
bring your own beer.
One of those dumps, you know.
Ugh, yeah.
Cost me a fortune, man.
This guy can make an omelet
you just wanna fuck.
Hey, Kenny.
This place is amazing.
I love how nothing matches.
- Thanks, man. Thanks.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- I like it.
- What do you do?
Well, I like to think of myself
as an inventor, you know.
Some of it's
alternative licensing.
Like, have you heard of
the George foreman grill?
- Oh, yeah. You came up with the
George foreman grill? -Dude. No way.
No, no, no. There's a Larry Holmes
hot plate. Look at that guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marcel's a wizard on that thing.
Look, look. Out there.
You see out there?
People under that, uh,
under the blanket,
with all of the sleeves
cut out of it?
- Well, I'll be. No way.
- No, no, no.
That is a squilt.
That is a squilt.
There's a trademark
on the other thing.
Some lawsuits pending.
If it is, uh,
agreeable with monsieur,
- I started serving the hors d'oeuvres.
- Mmm-hmm.
We have a saffron-infused
lobster mini-cake,
- served on a jalapeno
dill crouton bread. -Ooh.
- Mmm. That sounds really good.
- That sounds amazing.
- Mmm-hmm. -I mean,
that's agreeable, yeah.
- Know what else is
agreeable, though? -Hmm?
Bagel bites. Ha ha, yeah, man.
- Bagel bites, monsieur?
- Yeah.
You know. It's the...
It's the...
It's like a little pizza
but it's on a bagel,
and you just... you bite it.
We got some in the freezer,
pop in the microwave.
I tried to make my own.
Uh, mini muffin munchers...
That's what I call 'em, but...
Can't fuck with perfection, man.
They nailed it.
They nailed it.
But those lobster croutons
sound amazing.
You can make the other things,
too, a couple of those.
Bagel bites. Your culinary
wish is my command.
Dude, you speak that language?
No, no. I just don't want him
to feel left out, you know.
It's pretty, though.
Sounds so pretty.
Can I show you what I really do for
a living, though? My true passion.
- You wanna see it?
- Oh, fuck, yeah, Kenny.
- You go check it out.
- Okay, come on. Come here.
I can't wait to.
It's gonna be so rad.
I didn't know
you were gonna be here.
- Hi.
- What're you doing here?
Oh, uh, yeah. I just, uh,
came from a night dive.
If I didn't find these shoes
in the bottom of my bag,
I'd be standing here
in flippers.
You look great.
Aw, thanks. You're so sweet.
You look exactly the same.
- What? No.
No, this is different.
That was my beach tux.
Oh, yeah. It's all right.
This is my cocktail t-shirt.
This... this is my lab, huh.
Fuckin' Harry was right.
You devil. What is this?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah. We're the premiere
manufacturer and retailer
of alternatively-sized and
uniquely-shaped pleasure products
- in the western hemisphere.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not trying to compete
with Japan. They're on another level.
Yeah, they're the number ones?
Yeah, they do all kinds of stuff with
real dolls and, like, fuck squids.
Anyway, so yeah. Marthy
calls this my fuck factory.
Dude. Uniquely-shaped,
All right. What is this?
What is this?
Oh. Oh, this one here.
Okay, this guy.
This is a top seller.
Now, say you got a gal.
She's in the mood,
but she has, like, a very, um,
shallow, wide vagina.
- Okay.
- It happens.
- Yeah. No, no. I know.
- You know, we're all...
It's the differences that
makes us, uh, a whole thing.
Now, something like this.
Something like this.
Look, this is gonna
brutalize her.
This is gonna... this is gonna
puncture a lung.
You know?
This is like an NBA player
diving into a kiddie pool.
You can't deal with this.
This is gonna hit
all the erogenous zones,
but not go too deep
and, uh, cause discomfort.
That's the little miss muff
right there.
- Feel that, that's just, the consistency's there.
- Dude, they're the same.
- Yeah, yeah. I know. -This
one, what is this one, Kenny?
Okay, oh. This, this one,
this is our sidewinder.
Uh, this is for, like, okay. You're a
guy, you're in the mood all the time.
But you're more of a
boomerang than a bow staff.
- Hmm. -You know what I'm saying?
Rhino... that's you?
So that's gonna go
right on there,
and it's gonna hit
all the spots...
No, I know.
I can visualize it for sure.
Dude, how do you
come up with this shit?
This is, fucking, so smart.
Well, I mean,
I've always been a tinkerer.
You know, they've got
big and tall stores
for clothes, they've got that. But,
uh, it's like the same concept,
but I just applied it
to, uh, your fuck parts.
Fucking genius.
It's why I live in a mansion,
Kenny, is that
your product shot?
Yeah, yeah, that's
Martha's idea, you know,
we gotta get the brand
out there,
she's like, "we gotta put a face
to the name of the company,"
so we're trying to be the Billy Mays
of dildos, and everything, you know?
Yeah, but he died, though.
- To random encounters.
So, I have a tiny confession
to make.
- Okay. -I knew I was going
to see you here tonight.
- You did? -That's why I
decided to cut my dive short
and get all dressed up.
How did you know
about the party?
Oh, it's not that big an island.
You ask the right people the right
questions you can find out anything.
What else do I not
know about you?
Oh, I am full of secrets...
- Well, I have a tiny confession
to make as well. -Uh-oh.
Things just got interesting.
Mmm, let me guess.
You're a spy.
The real Harry is just some guy
you left in a ditch somewhere?
Wow, that took
a sharp left turn. No.
Is serial killer
always your second go-to?
I don't know why more people don't
ask that right off the bat.
I mean, I think it's a pretty
important thing to know.
- Why, have you killed somebody before?
- Uh-uh, I asked you first.
- Not that I know of.
So, what was your non-serial
killer confession?
I'm not really...
I'm not really
a big fan of the ocean.
What? What? How
can you not like the ocean?
That's like saying you don't like music
or are not that big a fan of food.
Let me clarify. I used to
like the ocean,
and then I saw this monster hunters
episode where they go looking
for the giant squid, and then ever since
then, haven't stepped foot in the water.
The Kraken episode,
that is my favorite episode!
- Yes. It is?
- Totally!
Like when they find out
there's thousands of squid
just hanging out a few hundred
feet below the ocean surface?
- The squid superhighway!
- Superhighway!
Scariest fucking thing
I've ever seen!
Oh, come on, it's not
scary, it's fascinating.
How they all came up to that one
squid, put the camera on him,
and instead of attacking him they
were just curious and looking at him,
it was like, it was so cute.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Teddy bears are cute.
Penguins are cute.
Super-intelligent squid?
Nightmare fucking material.
Oh, come on.
It doesn't sound amazing?
It's like that ll cool j movie.
I mean, yes on the ll cool j movie,
except that was with sharks.
But no on the giant squid.
They are like
the assholes of the ocean.
That's why all the deep-sea divers
had to wear those special wet suits
it had so much Chainmail on it,
it was basically bulletproof.
I know! How awesome is that?
Okay, like...
When you see something that is
beautiful and captivating and unknown,
don't you just wanna jump in?
Not at all. In fact, ever
since I saw that episode,
I've been eating more
calamari, 'cause fuck squid.
Well, that's just too bad,
'cause I'm part squid, you know?
- Oh, you are?
- Uh-huh. On my mother's side.
They're from northern Europe.
You don't look squid-ish
at all.
Well, check it out.
It's a Gill.
How'd you do that?
Same way I did this.
This is for my aunt Bernice.
Fuck squid!
Harry, are you okay?
- What happened? -I don't
know, you just kept saying
"fuck squid" over and over
again, and then you...
Okay, you know what?
This party is lame,
we're leaving. Are you
coming or are you staying?
What the fuck
are you looking at?
Are you having a stroke?
What the fuck is wrong
with this guy?
Okay, you know what?
We're leaving.
Okay. Are you gonna be okay?
Bye, Harry.
Fuck squid.
So this guy, he's like, "hey,
man, that's not a wrench,"
and I was like, "don't worry,
I'm not a mechanic!"
Oh, man, that was... I didn't see
that one coming, man. That's great.
Thanks, Kenny.
Thanks, Martha.
I just want to say thanks
for inviting us over here,
you guys are so cool.
You thought you were going to a
meth lab in the woods, didn't you?
- No, I didn't... -That's what,
that's what he thought.
Okay, for, like, a second!
Just for a second!
You don't know what you're
getting into!
No, man, now see, that's the thing,
like, I know what it looks like,
but we don't judge people here,
that's what's going on here.
I love that.
- Anybody can come, you do
what you wanna do. -Yes.
- You do who you wanna do.
- Yes.
I know it looks like
a lot of derelicts
and ne'er do Wells around here,
shady characters, you know?
But some of these people, some of
these people are Nobel prize winners,
- you know?
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
That guy won a Nobel prize?
Him, oh, no, no.
That's Jerry. Jerry's...
Jerry's got a crack problem.
Here, baby. Have one of these.
Martha, I can't have any more of these, I've
been fucking eating the shit out of them.
- So I'm full. You know.
- You ate a bunch of these?
Yeah, kind of for dinner.
He ate them for dinner.
You wanted to get on our level.
You just did, man.
- With a bullet.
I hope that tux has
a seatbelt, buddy.
- These aren't mints? -No, baby,
these aren't just mints.
We found out these orgies always
turned out a little more fun
if everybody was tripping balls.
So we...
Ooh, speaking of balls.
Did you say orgy?
Here we go. What is it,
8:30 already?
Um, bowie, guess what type
of oreo I like best.
Can you guess?
Probably a double stuffed,
you're going to say?
How did you...
You heard that joke already.
I love that almost as much as I love getting
banged by two boys at the same time.
All right. Dealer's choice. Lightning
round. Let's go. Who wants what?
Yeah, look,
I gotta coach, so get...
Jesus Christ.
Look at the ass on this one.
Who's your dad, Michelangelo?
It's like two cantaloupes trying
to kiss each other back there.
Look at that. Let them even
move when you did that.
That's good.
That's a strong ass.
Just relax, man. Just relax.
Sweetie, do you want to get fucked?
no, no, you're a
guest in our home.
You gotta loosen up.
- You fucked me, Kenny.
No, I mean somebody might
fuck you, but it wasn't me.
Gotta find Harry.
Gotta find Harry.
Gotta find Harry.
Gotta find Harry.
Gotta find Harry.
Gotta find Harry.
Fuck Harry. Let's go bury
ourselves in some man ass.
Who said that?
Down here!
What's up, motherfucker?
No. This is crazy.
This is bad.
Oh, I know. This orgy
started 20 minutes ago,
and I haven't played reverse Jenga with
any of these fine pieces of man meat.
It's a tragedy!
How is that a tragedy? We're not
gay, that sounds crazy to me.
Speak for yourself, breeder.
What do you mean, I bang chicks!
Ugh, don't remind me.
I was there.
Yeah, so how are you gay? I don't
fucking get what you're saying.
Don't talk so loud.
Bitch, you're not
the boss of me.
You don't know everything
that I do.
Yeah, I thought I did. This is a real
betrayal I didn't see coming at all.
- Harry.
- Hmm?
Harry, I'm freaking out, man.
Don't be rude.
Say hi to Jessica.
How are you doing that
with your eyes?
I don't know.
Ten, 20, 30. Suppose we have ten fingers.
What if we had nine fingers?
Then what would it be?
Nine, eight, 27, 36.
Look at my times tables. I'm a
fucking times table wizard.
I remember in first grade
I couldn't do my times tables,
I cried so hard, the teacher just passed me
because she didn't want to deal with it.
Dude, my thoughts
are in Spanish right now.
That's fucked,
'cause I don't know Spanish.
Christine never liked
regular red M&M's.
She thought they were boring.
That's weird.
She'd never eat a red M&M.
Never eat a red M&M.
Red M&M.
Maybe I'm just a regular
red M&M.
You are a regular red M&M.
There's so many other types
of M&M's.
I don't like when the M&M's
take their shells off...
And they pretend like
it's their clothes.
'Cause that's not their clothes.
That's their skin.
Dark chocolate M&M's.
Dark chocolate.
Pretzel M&M's.
- Pretzel.
- Mini M&M's.
- Pumpkin spice M&M's!
- Uh-huh?
You need to bust out
of your shell.
That's a good metaphor
for what we're talking about.
I'm just an M&M!
I'm just an M&M.
I don't wanna be an M&M anymore.
I think my dick's gay, man.
Good morning.
What happened?
I don't know.
Is this crocodile Dundee ii?
You got up just in time, man,
this is my favorite part.
Oh, yeah.
This is where he switches
clothes with the bad guy
so that the other bad guys shoot
their boss instead of him.
- Yeah.
- It's genius.
So good.
You know what would make
this movie even better?
Danny Trejo?
Fucking right!
- Danny Trejo makes everything better.
- Yeah, he does.
Imagine crocodile Dundee ii
starring Danny Trejo...
Movie would be 10 minutes long.
They would just steal his girlfriend,
and then they'd call him and be like,
"hey, we have your girlfriend,"
and he'd just be like...
And then they would just send
her back with an apology letter
and a box of chocolates.
What about jaws
starring Danny Trejo?
- Okay, is Danny Trejo jaws?
- No.
Danny Trejo swims out into the
middle of the ocean to find jaws,
uppercuts jaws,
sends jaws in orbit,
and then Danny Trejo just stares into
the camera for an hour and a half.
Ooh. Independence day
starring Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo rides his
motorcycle into space,
straight onto the
alien spaceship
and just looks at them all and goes,
"don't even fucking think about it."
And then aliens are like,
"sorry," and they leave,
and then Danny Trejo just
goes to will Smith like,
"quit fucking around
and start rapping."
Castaway starring Danny Trejo.
Where it's just Trejo?
I like a just Trejo film.
Except for the volleyball,
which is also Danny Trejo.
Indiana Trejo, where, the...
That he opens up the ark of the covenant
and then the ark of the covenant melts.
- Mmm.
- 'Cause it saw Danny Trejo.
What if, instead of fight
club, it's Danny Trejo club.
Danny Trejo is...
Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Ooh.
- "Toodeloo.
"I miss my kids."
- What about Sophie's choice
starring Danny Trejo. -Ooh.
So Danny Trejo has to decide
between two other Danny Trejos.
- So that's a triple Trejo.
- Talking about a triple Trejo.
Ooh. The lion king,
after Mufasa held up Simba,
the camera turns around, and it's not
Simba, it's goddamn Danny Trejo.
- Mmm.
- And then Mufasa's like,
"everything the light touches,
"except for the elephant graveyard," and
Danny Trejo's like, "fuck you, dude,"
and he goes straight to the
elephant graveyard, and guess what?
That's his now, too.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
- Got the bags!
- Yes!
Can't wait to get out
of these tuxedos.
Yeah, I've been needing
this guy.
All right.
This is your go bag?
Booze and candy?
What would be in your go bag?
I dunno, maybe a toothbrush,
some socks...
No, man, I wanna have some
fun if I need to leave town.
Dig around. You're gonna
love it.
Nice. Baseball cards.
Yeah, I've been thinking,
and in the future,
money will end up being
but you know what people will
always Cherish and want?
Ken Griffey Jr.
- Whoa!
- Fuck man, what the shit?
That is not my bag.
Yeah, I know.
I think I'd figure it out if my best
friend was fucking Pablo Escobar.
What are you doing? How did
this fucking get here?
- Hi. The door was open.
- Hey, Colette.
- Hi.
- Do you want some, uh...
- Some salt water Taffy? -No,
we don't have a lot of it.
No thanks, I'm good.
I just came by because Angela wants
to hire you for us for the day.
Okay, for what?
- Oh, yes. Because that's... -That's
what we do. That's what we do.
That's who we are.
So we'll come... You should go,
you go get ready on the yacht.
Yeah, we'll freshen up, and...
- We'll meet you there.
- Just go ahead.
Okay, yeah. I'll see
you there.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
You figure out what to do with this, um,
I'm gonna go get us some clothes, okay?
You couldn't
find anything better?
I wouldn't be caught dead
in this.
This is by far the coolest stuff
they had at the gift shop.
We look like extras
on Magnum, p.I.
Okay, how is that a bad thing?
Tom Selleck?
Goddamn it, you're right.
He is timeless.
Last night was crazy. Who's
ready to feel some magic...
What are you guys? What are you...
okay. Ouch.
Hey, this guy's
pinching my neck right now!
He's got a monkey grip.
Who the fuck are you?
I don't know.
Who the fuck are you?
Do you know these guys?
No, I never seen them
before in my life.
Well what's he talking
about magic fingers, then?
Oh, you know what? I was dancing with
the girls the other night at the club,
and I hurt my back,
so I called the hotel and I said, "do
youse have any massage therapists?"
This must be them, you guys are
the massage therapists, right?
- Yep, that's us. -Okay, cool,
yeah, so they're from the hotel.
- Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.
- Mmm. Yeah.
I mean, what two idiots are going to
voluntarily wear clothes like that?
So, the hotel makes you wear
this shit?
Uh, yes, sir.
Feels like fiberglass.
- Pretty itchy.
- Oh, I bet it is.
May I see?
I actually think it makes me look
quite strapping. Kinda buff, even.
Also a magnet for Bo.
I guess.
Okay, honey, why don't you
go downstairs and get ready.
I'll send your friends
down in a sec.
Thank you, honey, I love you.
Anything for you, sugar lips.
You guys have a really
beautiful relationship.
Thank you.
So... Your massage therapy
story might check out,
but that still doesn't mean
you're not gonna try
to get your slimy little
pencil dicks into my wife.
- Slimy...
- Mine's actually average,
I've done research, and I have
nothing to be ashamed of.
Sir, I can assure you
that on behalf of the...
Tradewinds island resort,
we have no ill-intentions
towards your wife whatsoever.
Why would I believe that?
- Because...
- Because we're gay.
- Because we're gay.
- Yep.
- Gay?
- Super.
Super gay. We do all
the stereotypes.
Uh... I won best dressed
in high school...
Yep, yep,
we watch a lot of bravo.
- Really? -We make, like, passionate
love to lady gaga, like,
- passionate love, it's like two suns burning.
- That's a lot of detail.
You two knuckleheads,
you walk on to my yacht,
wanna touch my wife,
tell me you're gay and you
expect me to believe it?
Okay, then. Do you need help
finding your way downstairs?
Wait, for real?
You believe it? We're good?
Yeah, sure. I believe you.
I mean, what, I'm gonna make
you touch dicks or something?
This is the 21st century
for Christ's sakes,
couple of finnocchios tell me they're
gay, which you two obviously are,
I'm not gonna make you
have to prove it.
It's like telling me you're
left-handed or red-headed.
I mean, I dunno if it's
obvious that we're gay.
Not quite sure what
Pinocchio has to do with this.
I feel like we give off
a masculine vibe.
Not at all.
See my guys here?
They're gay!
I officiated at their wedding.
Very beautiful.
Your mother cried...
- Very sweet.
- That's wonderful.
Now go.
Don't keep my wife waiting.
You guys need help
finding your way downstairs?
Nope, we'll find it.
If you guys excuse me, I've got
some business to attend to.
No problem.
Just go below.
But way below, 'cause it's
a big boat.
I'm nervous.
I'm not. I do this stuff
at work all the time.
- Hello.
- Hi.
You ready?
Yeah, so, uh, where
do you want me?
Uh, the bed.
I mean... this table.
Table bed.
- Yeah.
- I'll turn around.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Before we get started,
you should know that
a lot of my clients refer to
me as the David Blaine of
That doesn't make sense.
David Blaine... never mind.
Teachable moment.
Did you know that it's well documented in
scientific and anthropological communities
that while
comparable and complementary skills and
attributes are absolutely essential
in achieving intimacy
between two people,
the same is not so much
true when it comes
to things like
sexual fulfillment or
sheer, unbridled
animalistic passion.
- What the fuck is happening?
- Eye contact.
Studies have shown that when it comes to
pure adulterated no strings attached sex
that's when the highest levels of dopamine
and oxytocin are released from the body.
And subsequently,
the most intense and
pleasurable orgasms occur
when one partner has disproportionately
more of something than the other.
In our case, it's like, "oh, my god,
take your pick," I mean maturity.
- No.
- Basic self-awareness.
I am very aware that I am great.
Ability to see at night.
Who has that?
Which one of us is a lemur?
I mean the list
goes on and on. You get it,
blah, blah, blah.
You're terrible!
Are you okay?
Yep. Yeah.
Just, uh...
Fluffing your aura.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
So, um...
Do you that think maybe
you can get my upper bicuspid?
Your upper bicuspid?
- Sure.
- Hmm.
Of course, mine always
gets tight as well.
Okay, okay...
What are you doing?
What are you talking about?
This is my bicuspid!
Why do you want me
to massage your tooth?
Oh, my god, I don't want you
to massage my tooth.
- Now who the fuck are you?
- Okay!
- I'm not a massage therapist.
- No shit.
Or a dentist.
Oh, and by the way I looked up
the handies.
You don't even want to know
what came up.
All right, the truth...
I'm here on my honeymoon.
With bowie?
No, not like that.
I was supposed to get married
this past weekend.
Obviously, it didn't happen.
And so now,
bowie and I decided to go on
the honeymoon together.
It's just been a complete
what-the-fuck fest ever since.
I don't know what's going on.
Okay, the only thing I do know is
that the only time I'm not completely
miserable is when I'm with you.
That really sucks.
No, I mean that part about
your wedding sucks.
The other part was really sweet.
You're the best thing that's
happened to me since Friday.
You know, I've seen a lot of
movies that start out this way.
I've been in a lot of movies
that started out this way.
No, really.
So if at any point I start taking
off these sexy little shorts...
Just stop me, it's a bad habit.
Uh, okay, noted.
Do some rocks.
My specialty.
Oh, ow!
Okay, that one was hot.
It was on the bottom.
It's okay.
- Yes!
- Oh, my god, damn it!
I'm out of rocks, um...
I'm gonna go find some more.
You stay right here.
You're a sweet,
sweet angel from heaven.
- Hmm.
How did it end?
So what do you really do?
I'm a lawyer.
- Shut up, you're a lawyer?
- Yeah.
And you've lied about being
a massage therapist?
I plead the fifth.
Well done.
What about you?
What do you do?
Oh, um...
I am a professional
waster of potential.
Okay, what does that mean?
You know when you're a kid
and all you dream about is all
the wonderful and amazing
things you're gonna do
when you grow up?
Well, I grew up and I never
did any of those things.
Oh, come on.
When I was a kid, I dreamed
about being a firetruck.
Like literally a firetruck.
That's what I wanted to be.
I mean, you had to have done
some cool things with your life.
Yeah, I've done some things.
It's killing me. I know that I know you.
How do I know you?
Ah... okay. When I was 21,
I was picked to be the face
of a new energy sports drink.
- Diesel valve.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my god.
You're the diesel Valkyrie.
Holy shit.
That super bowl commercial was huge.
You were everywhere.
Yeah, I was. I mean one minute I was
just some college kid and the next...
It's crazy.
You think your life is gonna
go this one way
and then something happens
that completely changes it.
So then what do you do?
It's your life.
You live it.
So no regrets, huh?
Well, I was just
two credits shy of getting my degree in
marine biology when everything happened.
Okay, I get it. That's why
you're scuba diving every day.
Yeah, yeah, I've actually been
doing it with some of the people
from the marine
institute here and...
They said if I wanted to stay
to work on a fellowship
and finish my degree, I could.
That's awesome.
Is it?
I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't do it 'cause I'm
scared shitless of the ocean...
But it's cool for you.
It's scary
actually, possibly becoming the
person you've always wanted to be.
I'm not big on plans.
Well I think if you
have a chance,
you should go for it.
Okay what?
Okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah.
- That's it?
You're just gonna make a huge
life-altering decision just like that?
How else do you make one?
You just changed my entire life.
Hold on. Slow down.
I think maybe you should think about it.
I can't handle that responsibility.
- It's stressing me out.
Today was a good day.
You didn't even have
to use your AK.
Hmm. That feels so good.
Yeah, you're so good
with your hands.
Thanks, it's called
the curious cat.
You want the ocean breeze
package now?
Ooh, yes, please!
- Coming right up.
- Hmm.
Just like you're at
the ocean, right?
Maybe if the ocean ate a giant
fucking bowl of nachos.
Jesus Christ, what'd you eat?
A giant bowl of nachos.
We'll stay down here.
Hey, come on in.
- Doing this.
- Yeah, doing this.
- Just, uh...
- Ah!
- You all right? -Sorry, I
didn't know you were starting.
Seem a little tense?
A little tense.
Yeah, uh, I haven't
been back here
since my husband passed away
You're husband passed away
in Rancho para?
Um, yeah, he was
Vincent's accountant
for many years,
and then he died in a very
tragic accident.
What happened?
Well, he
accidentally shot himself
in the face
and then he fell into
a car trunk
and it landed in the bottom
of the ocean, so...
It was a lot.
It was like Murphy's law.
Like, what else could go wrong?
I trust the trip was enjoyable?
Can we get you anything?
Hors d'oeuvres,
drinks, something?
If it's all the same to you,
let us dispense with the
- pleasantries.
- Right.
Straight to business.
No bullshit.
A man after my own heart.
I love cash.
It's always the right size
and the right color.
You're just so talented.
Do you ever turn it off?
I don't know how.
Careful, my husband's upstairs.
Yeah, what's up with that guy?
Well, you know...
It's funny you should ask.
He and I have sort of
an agreement.
You both agree Shawshank
redemption is a great move?
That is a different agreement!
Yeah, no, I like...
I like this agreement more.
It's actually, like,
totally average.
Thank you.
What does Vincent do exactly?
Oh, he's a man of many pursuits.
He has an import-export
business of some sort.
He owns many
abandoned warehouses.
He has a limo company.
Strip club. The limo takes
people to the strip club.
He has an exotic animal farm
with a lot of lizards.
He also has very hungry pigs.
You're going to like
our product.
It's, uh, Primo shit.
Okay, well, why don't
you lay down, I just gotta
take care of some things.
That sounds like Vincent.
- That's a good impression.
- Just give me one minute...
- Sure.
- And I'll be right back.
Okay, remember that agreement.
- Okay.
- Keep that up here.
- Okay.
- I'll be right back.
Bowie, come out here.
Can I talk to you for one minute please?
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm getting to know Angela
and I'm this close to a fucking
two for Tuesday right now.
That's a bad idea. Do you
know who her husband is?
Yeah, he's the nicest man I've ever heard
of. They have a beautiful agreement.
Yeah, I'm sure they do.
I bet he made her an offer
she couldn't refuse.
What are you talking about?
When she said this
is her family's yacht,
she didn't mean her family.
She meant the family!
Like the Kardashians?
No! The fucking mafia!
We need to get the hell
out of here.
Okay, we just need
seven minutes.
I can do it in two and a half.
Excuse me?
No, no, no, hold on.
Let me pull up
my translation app.
- It's some kind of mistake...
- Can you say that again?
- How dare you disrespect me!
We'll get this straightened out.
Bang, bang, bang.
Nope, you're right, let's go.
Holy shit!
This shouldn't
have been that easy.
I mean these are Japanese
triads for Christ's sake.
I mean these guys
are lethal killing machines.
You ever watched the movies?
They, they use knives
and swords and shit.
I mean one guy can take out
an entire squad.
But here, it was like...
Bang, bang, bang, they're dead.
I mean, Craig, you didn't
even put down your tray.
I'm proud of you.
Hey, moron!
Get up here.
Yeah, boss man.
What the fuck is this?
It's a suitcase full of clothes.
And, um...
A bunch of dead
Koreans or...
Hawaiians maybe?
Ooh, mini hot-dogs!
Okay. Hmm...
- You had one job.
- Mmm-hmm.
One fucking job!
To go to the airport,
pick up a suitcase for me,
and bring it back here.
This is not my suitcase.
Where is my fucking suitcase?
Oh, right.
Funny story, I gave a lift
to these guys as a favor
of a buddy of mine who
scored me really great weed
and concert tickets,
if you guys need some.
Anyways, uh...
I went and had to get their luggage as
well, I might have switched their bag
with your bag.
Honest mistake.
You know, my fault, but
they're staying here on the island
so it should be easy just to get
the bag back.
No harm, no foul.
Randy, if you weren't my mother's favorite
nephew, I swear to Christ you'd be
dead like them!
Thanks, cuz! I love you too.
Okay, boys, get me Harry Fluder.
Flounder? Fluder?
Just find him.
- Tell me you didn't fuck his wife.
- I didn't fuck his wife.
Promise me you didn't
fuck his wife.
I promise.
- I might of touched a boob.
- What?
We have two minutes to Keyser
Soze the fuck out of here.
Okay, well, what are we gonna
do about your drugs?
They're not my drugs!
We're gonna get rid of them.
It's not exactly a carry-on.
Goddamn it.
- What can I do? -I don't know.
Get a plunger or something.
- Something...
- Okay, all right.
Maybe a hanger?
This is what I got.
We can't fuck the drugs away.
It's all I have right now, man.
Let me try. Let me try.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Fuck man. -Is everything
a fucking joke to you?
Can you even comprehend the
situation that we're in right now?
Oh, now is when I bet you tell
me that this is all my fault.
Yes! Of course
this is your fault!
Who else's fault could it be?
News flash.
You're not Ferris Bueller.
You're just a fucking asshole.
Oh, fuck you, man.
Now is when it comes out? I spend
my whole life looking after you.
Fucking showing you the time of your
life and this is the thanks I get?
Oh, oh, sorry did
you want me to thank you?
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm sorry, thank you.
Thank you for turning my life
into a complete and utter
None of this was about showing
me the time of my life.
This is about you not having
to live yours.
See, you don't want me
to grow up
because you're afraid
that I'll leave you behind.
That's why you're always pulling
some epically stupid shit.
Well, I'm tired of you
always dragging me down.
That's what you really think?
Fuck you.
You're not my
best friend anymore.
You're not my best friend
anymore either.
We really gotta start
locking this door.
Hiya, boys.
Long time no see!
All right, so, uh...
Let's cut right to the chase.
You know me.
And I
know you who you are.
Harry Fluder, 5220 Archer road.
Beauregard Pemberton.
The fourth?
There are four of you!
Yeah, uh...
302 southwest east,
third street.
- Ah, bingo.
- Ah.
So I want to apologize for any
discomfort my guys may have caused you.
Um, can I get you anything?
Uh, we're fine.
Actually, uh,
I'd love a sparkling water.
Get him a sparkling water.
Oh, ah, with a lemon wedge?
Lemon wedge coming up.
I mean, he's asking.
You didn't just bring us here
to kills us?
No, why would I do that?
I don't know. 'Cause, like,
we could go to the cops.
I have a cousin who works in the FBI.
I can tell him about...
Are you actively trying
to get us shot?
No, you're not those
kind of guys.
- No, we are not those
type of guys. No.
Your cousin's a security guard.
Yeah, but at the FBI.
How is it?
It's a little warm.
Can I get some ice?
What the fuck?
- You didn't even make it in.
- We're done here.
Make sure you stay
out of trouble.
So, that's it?
You're just gonna...
Forget about it?
There is one thing.
Uh, you guys got ahold of a
suitcase that belonged to me.
That suitcase.
Which was filled with drugs.
Now, not so much.
There's still a lot of drugs
in there, though.
You owe me money.
you've seen my face.
I've admitted
that those drugs belong to me.
Now, there are only
two types of people
that can see this kind of stuff.
People that work for me and,
- Oh!
You just cut them up and
carry them around in a bag?
Yeah, I thought step two of
murder was get rid of the body!
I'm senior staff,
I don't do the cutting.
Plus, I was trying
to make a point.
Point taken,
you fucking psycho. Relax.
Okay, now listen.
I've got good news.
There seems to be an immediate opening
in my organization available.
If you work for me
and do one job,
you won't owe me any money.
Or b...
You can, you know...
I have an empty bag.
Could you just give us
one minute to discuss this
between ourselves?
Sure, take your time.
Okay, could everybody turn
around and cover their ears?
No, that's not gonna happen.
- Okay, we'll just whisper.
- Okay.
I don't think this is the kind of
guy we want to be indebted too.
Yeah, but I don't think we really
have a choice. Look at him.
All white.
What is it Easter right now?
He's fucking crazy.
- Haven't you seen the godfather?
- Yeah.
There may be a day, where I come
in and ask you for a favor.
Oh, my god, Harry, that
impression was fucking spot on.
I've been sitting on that one
for a while.
- I thought it was appropriate.
- It was totally appropriate.
You've been crushing this whole
vacation with these impressions.
I didn't know you had it in you.
- Thanks man. -I still
fucking hate you though.
I still fucking hate you too.
There's no way this guy
really trusts us,
so he's not gonna give
us a big job.
I bet it's some, like, victimless
mundane crime. I'm positive.
Okay, we talked about it.
We're gonna do it.
- What... what, no!
- Excellent.
- Great.
Good choice.
I need you to, uh,
take care of somebody for me.
Uh, you know,
not my wife, just...
That one.
What did she do?
Nothing really...
I mean, accidentally, she saw
something she shouldn't have.
I've been agonizing
over this, really.
But, uh, I can't very well ask
her to whack herself, right?
So, listen. Vito and NICKIE
are gonna kinda tag along,
right, make sure
nothing goes wrong.
Then, you're free to go.
And thanks, fellas.
You're really taking
a load off my mind.
Yeah, thanks for the water.
JK, it fucking sucks.
Honestly, that could
have gone way worse.
What are you talking about?
Dude, we just had a meeting
with Vincent Gambazzo
in an abandoned warehouse
and he let us go.
- Yeah, to kill Colette. -We're
not gonna have to kill Colette.
We're just gotta get in
a couple of good
Huh. Fuck!
We're gonna
have to kill Colette.
Hey, hun.
Just finished my sudoku game.
And I think I just figured out
the secret to cold fusion.
Oh yeah?
I know, the patent alone
could be worth billions.
Anyway, I was thinking maybe
we could watch the sunset,
and then, practice the last
half of the Kama-Sutra.
That sounds great.
All right, I was wrong, man.
This is bad.
This is real fucking bad.
How are we supposed
to go through with this?
Yeah, man. How many
people have you killed?
None. But my gun has killed a bunch.
How are we even
supposed to find her?
Don't worry, she'll turn up.
Hey, guys.
Kenny! Kenny's here.
- Hi, hi. Hi.
- Kenny!
Uh, anyway, I'm having
a party at the house.
You know how those are,
Ragers, wouldn't want
the belles of the ball
to miss it.
Who are your friends? Look at these
guys, look at them. Matching set.
Big and tall.
Strong, silent type. Okay.
- All right, I get it. You're digging in.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
Playing hard to get, huh,
mount Olympus?
Can't wait to climb you.
Gotta hose you off.
Let's save that for when the
sun goes down, at least.
- Come one.
- I have a big appetite.
I know, I'm stuffed though,
we got to get out of here.
All right.
I'll kill her.
I'm gonna do it.
What are you talking about?
I need a beer if I'm gonna
murder someone.
Is that all right?
- Okay. -What do you want? What
type of beer do you guys like?
Just water.
Just water? I thought you guys
were murderers, don't be pussies.
Here you go.
Water for the gentlemen.
Important to stay hydrated.
We can't kill her.
What are we supposed to do? Just
wait and see if she shows up?
If she shows up.
I don't know, Harry.
I just don't fucking know
what I'm doing.
Just going with it right now.
Oh, shit.
Um, I was just going to go for a
dive, you know, clear my head.
Look for the Kraken.
Sorry. Change of plans.
You should zip up your suit.
Wow, you know, I really like what
you guys have done with the place.
Do you guys summer here?
No, this is where we keep
the oars, propellers...
Dead bodies.
Go ahead.
No, no, no.
- What if I don't do it?
Then I shoot your friend.
What if I'm okay with that?
Listen, either you do it,
or we shoot you both and use
your hand to shoot her.
Harry, wait, there's time.
There's still time.
Hey guys, let me tell you this
quick story about a young boy
and his unbridled love
of guns n' roses.
Would you like to hear that...
- Shut the fuck up!
- You shut the fuck up!
You know there are
bullets in that thing.
Shut the fuck up about this...
Wait! Wait!
Just hold on a second.
I gotta say something.
I didn't mean
what I said before.
You don't bring me down.
Some of the best times I ever
had have been with you, man.
You remember that time,
we waited outside
Fred durst's hotel
just so he could sign our
red Yankees caps.
He was
such a fucking dick to us.
Or the first time
we smoked grass.
It wasn't really weed.
It was actual grass
but we still pretended
that we were high
for three days.
Look, I don't care
what you do for a living.
You're my best friend.
You're not my best friend.
'Cause you're my brother, man.
I love you.
Are you crying?
If I am, it's
only 'cause of this gun.
Are you crying?
That's a beautiful friendship,
right there.
Okay, no. Look, I've had
enough of whatever this is.
- Time's up.
- Fuck you!
Damn it!
Okay, you guys are free to go.
Yeah, it's a good job.
It's done, boss.
All right.
Look, get everybody back here.
We're leaving in about...
Two hours.
Yeah. Wait a minute. Um,
bring me back a sandwich.
I don't care.
Surprise me.
But no onions.
Where the hell is everybody?
Oh. Hey guys, let's go,
I want to get out of here.
Hey, daddy.
Oh, you want to arrest me?
- You have the right
to remain silent.
I've been wanting
to do this all week.
Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.
Careful, honey.
I got a glass chin.
You have the right
to an attorney.
Oh baby, the things
I'm gonna do to you.
Vincent Anthony Gambazzo,
you are under arrest
for trafficking illegal
racketeering and
conspiracy to commit murder.
What? Ow! Hey!
Come here.
Put your hands behind your head.
What the fuck is going on?
You've got nothing on me.
- What do you do it so tight?
- Put your hands behind your back.
Does the name Colette Weller
mean anything to you?
Um, no.
How about Harry Fluder?
- Bowie Pemberton?
- Doesn't ring a bell.
'Cause that's
not what they have to say.
Never heard of us.
Beauregard, remember?
Lemon water, you thought
we were gay. Come on dude.
Oh, these guys?
No, I'm sorry, my bad.
I'm bad with names.
Yeah, I know these guys. They've
been guests on my boat.
So, you're telling me
that I'm under arrest
for killing three people
that aren't dead?
Yes, I am.
You should be indicted
for conspiring to be an idiot.
I need you to take care
of somebody for me.
Um, you know,
not my wife, just...
That one. And thanks, fellas.
You're really taking
a load off my mind.
And that's not even half of it.
And I've got it all here.
Enough to put your sad,
soft dick in prison.
Wait. How did you get
that recording?
Well, talk about blowjobs
anywhere near a guy's dick and
I could have tattooed a
rainbow unicorn on you,
and you
never would have noticed.
Just stop me, it's a bad habit.
Oh, oh.
It's also the least thoroughly
searched area in a pat down.
All right, come
on guys. Let's go.
Hold on to me.
If I trip, I'll sue you.
Who gives a shit, these are
so fucking tight.
You know what? You're all uninvited to
my party in the Hamptons, you hear me?
We also had
Vincent's phone tapped.
And we recorded this,
right after you guys left.
As soon as this two
fuck-sticks are done
taking care of her,
I want you to take care of them.
No loose ends.
That's pretty cool.
They wanted to kill you.
Yeah, but you knew about
it so, it's all right.
The bug we had on you
only transmitted locally
so we had no idea
where they took you.
Our guys couldn't pick you up until
after you called us from the mansion,
so, how did you get
out of there?
Oh, so,
you weren't really
that careful about it.
Could have got killed.
Okay, here is what happened.
All right,
I can never remember, do we do
this like a burrito or a crepe?
What's the difference?
Well, burrito's folded
into a pocket
but stuff spills out the bottom.
Whereas, a crepe,
you just fold over
and it spills out the top.
Why don't we just roll her
up like a Taquito, then?
No, see, you're thinking
of a blintz, I think.
maybe, maybe we'll do, oh...
Oh... maybe we'll do it
like a hot...
Hot pocket.
How are you doing that
with your eyes?
How are you doing
that with your arm?
I'm not sure.
Is that a ninja
or a samurai?
Damn it! I would have had
a really cool one liner
about how badass
that just looked
if my brain wasn't so fucking
muddled with terror,
on account you just killed
Colette like a son of a bitch.
Aw! Did anyone oar-Der
an ass whopping?
That would have
been perfect, damn it!
Sorry, it's
not important to what we're
talking about right now, though.
Why the fuck did you do that?
I was trying to buy us time.
I drugged those two assholes, we
just needed two more minutes.
- Bowie!
- No, don't bowie me, man.
We just made up
and now I'm going to have to
fucking testify against you in court.
They're going to say, "who was it?"
And I'm not a liar. So, I'm
gonna have to point at you
and I'm gonna have to say,
"it was fucking Harry."
Holy shit, Colette!
You okay?
Why are you not dead?
I mean, I'm really
glad you're not dead,
but why the fuck
are you not dead?
Fuck squid. They are like
the assholes of the ocean.
That's why all the deep-sea divers
had to wear those special wet suits
it had so much Chainmail
on it, it was basically...
You knew it!
So, you're
not just like a murderer.
You should zip up your suit.
Trust me.
This is big, Harry.
I am fucking jacked up
right now.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Good shot.
I was aiming for your leg.
Never mind.
This is great.
Isn't this great? Look around. Look
at what we did. This is so great.
Where did you get the drugs?
Oh, dude.
It was Kenny.
Good to see Kenny!
Kenny, we're in trouble,
do you have mints?
- Back pocket.
- Oh, Kenny!
- Hi, hi. Hi.
- Kenny!
Here. Water for the gentlemen.
Important to stay hydrated.
Ow, ow, gentle, gentle!
Oh, god.
I can't believe you
fucking did it, man.
Yeah, yeah, can we just
get out of here? -Wait.
I have an idea.
Is this really necessary?
Told you I wouldn't be
caught dead in those clothes.
Watch you head, Colette.
Son of a...
It's done, boss.
Scientifically speaking,
what we did is called
crocodile Dundee ii -ing.
This is where he switches
clothes with the bad guy
so that the other bad guys shoot
their boss instead of him.
I've got to say, I'm...
I'm impressed.
What do you say, like,
maybe when we get
back to the mainland
go on like, a date?
You seem like a pretty nice guy.
I know, thanks.
So, how should I put this?
Um... mmm!
- You see that, right there?
- Yeah.
I'd rather shove that up my
ass and pull it out my vagina
than do anything with you.
What a Grosso!
What a fuckin' nut!
Did you hear that?
Oh yeah, we heard all that.
Oh my god, man.
I think I'm in love, I bet
she's into some weird shit.
Wait! Hold on! I love you!
Match made in heaven.
Well, um,
it was really great meeting you.
Thanks for shooting me.
You're welcome.
Now, if you ask me if I've ever killed
someone, I can say that I tried.
Yeah, how about next time,
we overthrow a dictator.
Or, yeah, we could stop
a bank robbery.
Or just play it by ear.
That would really mess
with my plans.
Hey! Where are
you going? Freeze!
I'll get you, you bitch.
Oh no!
Was that the first time
you guys were gonna...
I ruined it.
Okay, well, keep
going and all that.
You guys are cute!
- Help, help.
- All right, I got you.
Dude, that trip was
exactly what I needed.
You know what?
Me too.
- For real?
- Yeah, man, I feel great.
I like this new Harry, man.
What are going to do now?
Oh, I got this text
on the plane.
I guess I should just
probably go back in to work.
Dude, I haven't
got shit, this week.
I'm coming.
I still have no idea
what you do for work.
I work hard, man, what else
do you need to know?